#I still try and understand and change behavior but you really need to be exposed to something to get it

[cruyuu]

265 is an insane chapter. i can't move on from it. yuji and sukuna being twins, fishing, shooting arrows... yuji's sad eyes after sukuna's "i feel nothing"... like am i insane for thinking that yuji really wanted to get sukuna to open up there??? there's no other explanation for that chapter otherwise. god these two 😭😭

Sorry for a late answer anon!

I already ranted a bit about that chapter and tried to make sense of it. You are right, anon. There is absolutely no need for Yuuji to go that far for someone like Sukuna and then say... "I loathe you." as an explanation because it makes zero sense. He could've ripped him away from Megumi like 20 times already, and he claims he can kill him, but (just like Sukuna), I guess he has to hate on him (in a very fond way) first at least because priorities lol.

Because spending time together and trying to change that person's mind, talking with him constantly as if just wishing he would join in and say something about himself is the definition of loathing an individual, right? Silly me for thinking that was interest. For thinking that was care. For thinking that Yuuji wants to hear his thoughts and see how he thinks. Wants to try and understand him. Learn more about him. Otherwise, exactly like you asked, why? What's the point? There's no purpose to 265 and it could've easily been replaced by 266 wholly. He could've said all of that to a particular individual who needs it (and who Yuuji misses), and funnily enough, it would fit the shoe more so than it would with Sukuna. Why does Yuuji still care about the person who ruined his life enough to perform his very first Domain Expansion and spend nearly an entire day with him, hanging out? Really weird.

Like 266 just confirmed that. The sheer contrast between the chapters is just insane. I have a post about that which is half-written because I can't even put everything into words properly but I'll try my best to finish it when I'm not that busy to show you exactly what I mean.

Also the fact that Sukuna looks exactly like Yuuji, not in his true form but dressed like him, totally like his twin. That Yuuji is taking him everywhere, commenting on everything, from food, down to animals, seemingly as if to try and find a way to engage him in conversation yet Sukuna keeps his mouth shut. He even chooses to shoot arrows with him, something which is more Sukuna's thing than Yuuji's, just to get him to show anything at all. Yuuji's an open book here, and he tells him even that he considers these little things important (his speech about roles and life), but Sukuna brushes him off.

And Yuuji looks sad? Disappointed? because Sukuna remains closed off. His behavior towards Yuuji is unexplainable, and even his hatred is... just that. Nothing. Even if Sukuna keeps contradicting himself at every turn when it comes to Yuuji, treating everyone the same but not him, there's still no explanation about why he does that.

And this is why Yuuji talked about meaning in life. He was practically explaining his newfound viewpoint to Sukuna, because he was expecting an answer regarding his hate. Something like "Okay but there must be a reason for your uncontrollable hatred when it comes to me. Can you tell me what it is?" because to Yuuji, everything means something. It's not just that– some pointless, meaningless thing.

Sukuna's response is "I understand, but I do not care." yet he got pissed off when he recognized Yuuji's crestfallen expression as pity. Like why is he even mad about that? I thought he only lived for himself and didn't care about anything. I thought he felt nothing. I thought he didn't live to understand others, yet he cannot understand Yuuji and his expression makes him mad.

265 seems to expose Sukuna as a feeler in denial, who clearly has a problem with Yuuji's way of looking at him, but also generally has a problem with understanding Yuuji (still). Even though these two understand other people, with similar viewpoints, they're stuck when it comes to each other. Sukuna loathes weak people and yet he compliments everyone who is weaker than him. He calls them strong. Everyone except Yuuji.

One of my friends thinks Sukuna's anger towards Yuuji is because Yuuji cannot seem to hate Sukuna like he hated Mahito, which is a very interesting observation, ngl. It feels like no matter what Sukuna does, Yuuji will still find a way of pardoning it, while with Mahito he never did such a thing. He showed pure coldness. The scene of Mahito losing showcases Yuuji appearing cold-blooded, further exemplified by the prey/predator imagery and winter. Truly no notion of kindness. With Sukuna, that doesn't seem to be the case considering... well.. the entirety of 265. Sukuna had even done worse than Mahito and continually promises to Yuuji to do worse, only to ignite hate, but is spared of real, genuine, absolute hatred. He still gets a chance. He still gets, "Come back to me." He gets "pitied".

And that's the very thing I tried hard to figure out– the whole "pity" thing– because Yuuji doesn't appear to be pitying Sukuna. It's something else. It's something way more closer and kinder than that. It may appear cold and like "pity" to Sukuna, while to us, it is presented differently. This is because paneling is extremely important!

When Yuuji states "if this is what all that anger had amounted to" we, the readers, see him be sad, but Sukuna doesn't see that expression. He's looking ahead and is just listening to him. By his voice alone, he comes to a conclusion and asks if Yuuji is pitying him and when he turns to look at him, Yuuji's face is shrouded in darkness until the panel where we are met with the coldest way of pitying someone known to mankind, where Yuuji confirms his thoughts, yet still offers him a chance to still be spared.

That is Sukuna's explanation regarding what Yuuji feels, not what Yuuji truly feels and it doesn't entirely make sense because to pity someone is to feel sadness or sympathy for someone's unhappiness or bad situation. How can it be pity when Yuuji doesn't even know his situation? When Sukuna isn't unhappy nor in a bad situation? Plus he doesn't even know anything about him? If anything it feels like Yuuji is mourning the fact he has to kill him (that that is his "bad situation" in this case) and cannot reach him, that they cannot co-exist and that yes, this is what he's feeling sad about.

You could, also, argue differently. That it is precisely that– because he has no explanation for anything and keeps him in the dark about himself, and continually just keeps pushing him away. That he cannot care for him. Hell, even Yuuji's mindset which clashes heavily with Sukuna's is enough of a reason why.

We (the readers) see Yuuji be sad while Sukuna doesn't and Yuuji confirms his thoughts instead of offering a more fitting explanation because what is the point? Sukuna had already stated "He doesn't feel anything" so he won't get nor understand what Yuuji feels.

The pure misunderstanding is in focus between these two in that chapter. The whole "pity" which is, in fact, not that, because otherwise Yuuji wouldn't be offering Sukuna to come back to him, but would instead just try to kill him, not just keep giving him chances and allowing him to live and cause more mayhem than he already did.

But still, the whole insanity of this chapter comes from Yuuji's behavior towards Sukuna. Like why think of changing perspectives, of spending time trying to understand and offering that very same person (who had taken the very person you claim to care about) life and yet, when it comes to that other person, you're saying "it's okay if you choose to die even though I would be lonely without you"? It's so fucking absurd. You want someone you hate to live more so than you want someone you care about to? You're telling your entire life story to a person who never gave a shit about you to... change his perspective on life? Yet you're doing nothing to change the mind of someone who you'll be lonely without? Insanity.

So yeah, anon. You can see how crazy it all is when you really think about it. I would really love it if we can finally see these two being honest with each other because that seems to be this big, big issue here, where everyone is talking for them (even the story), instead of you know, them.

[ec2003]

What I'm expecting for Hazbin Hotel Season 2 (ALSO, SPOILERS and if you haven't seen the whole Season 1, now's the good time to leave and watch it for yourself)

I'm sorry but I think Viv should be fired. From what I've seen in terms of her actions and proof I needed, She's an incompetent writer and a bully. To make matters worse, she's a controversial figure due to her behavior. I'm not saying the series should be cancelled or anything, I was thinking it should be handled better by new writers to take over so that the story and characters don't feel rushed or phone in which is why I'll be talking about what I'm expecting from Season 2. Here are my thoughts. I wish that in Season 2, Charlie figures out that Lucifer is hiding something from her since Lucifer (in the actual bible) is known for being prideful of himself and plays this UwU soft boy facade just to not have her find out the real truth about him and Lilith. It might be a bit retconned with Lucifer's character, but making Lucifer still be who he REALLY is would be better IMO. Maybe the reason being that Lilith's in Heaven (for some reason) is because she made a deal with Adam that if she's gonna be in Heaven, she needs to ditch her family. The tragic backstory for Lilith could be that (and her backstory is based on the bible) she regrets robbing children, raping men in their sleep including Adam out of revenge and wants to get into Heaven to escape from her crimes. Adam still didn't forgive her miseeds and would never be with her since he's misogynistic now before he died, but wants her to obey. Now realizing her dad's a fake, Charlie leaves him. Lucifer tries to fight her and then Charlie manages to run away but still in pain. But Lucifer is now resentful towards his own daughter. He'll be making his comeback in Season 3 and is the main villian. Since Vaggie's too insecure into showing her soft side, Charlie wants to break up with her since they have no chemistry so Vaggie would do anything to try and understand Charlie so that they can be in love again so she'll try not to not always protecting Charlie all the time since she can take care of herself unless if she really needs her. As for Angel, maybe Husk and Angel will develop even more if they go on a heist since Angel grew up being a gangster and also since Angel is confident on himself, he tries to fight with Valentino to make him pay for using him, with Husk's help of course. Nifty would learn not to kill people all the time by Charlie so that she can control herself. Cherri Bomb has a flaw where she tries to act all tough and mighty when really she's scared of what people think of her since she's been abused by bullies and then Angel helped her since he's been taken advantage of by Valentino and then that's when Angel for the first time made out with a girl which might break Pentious' heart. Despite Husk not being grumpy all the time, he still has a gambling problem and tries not to get in to it but then Angel snaps him out of it because he doesn't want him to risk his own life again due to him being Alastor's pet, so Husk goes up against AL and tries to break out of the curse, if only Alastor gambles with him in order to be free for him and that if he loses, he stays with him forever. With Sir Pentious, despite being in heaven, he misses Cherri Bomb. He enjoys himself but feels lonely so the Egg Boys cheer him up and then Pentious decides to just be friends with her instead Now with Lute wanting revenge, she'll have a change of ways when she has been exposed to learn who Adam truly is when she learns that Adam's son Cain went to Hell which is because Cain killed Abel out of revenge and Cain is what Adam favors except for Abel because he is a "Soft pussy" in his eyes. Adam likes Cain because he's just like him. Lute apologizes for her acts, cries, and hugged Charlie for making her see the error of her ways and then that's when God comes in and sends Lute to Hell for her misdeeds and she'll be back to Heaven if she can redeem herself. As for Charlie and her friends, they get redeemed by God. Alastor doesn't go to Heaven because of his sins and Alastor likes being a fucked up type of guy and likes being sadistic. Criticisms are allowed if needed. ^^

[wildpeachfarm]

kinda sorta spitballing a bit here, but i think at least some of the UK group's behavior in this stems from wilbur being publicly exposed recently. because he was in their circle and close to a lot of them, and they are... very online, basing a lot of their understanding of morality/ethics/etc on a very twitter-esque framework that lacks nuance. where people can be neatly sorted into Bad and Good boxes and shunning the Bad Ones and grouping with Good Ones is something that happens pretty much automatically, and if you fail to do it that means you also go into the Bad box. obviously in reality, relationships are waaaay more messy and complicated, and there is no clear cut good/bad binary to sort people by. but when that's your worldview, finding out a close friend is actually a serial abuser, and you weren't able to see it until then, well, it really threatens to shake the foundations of what you think being a good person is and whether you are one. and when you have built yourself up to be better than others based on your perceived moral superiority (in your own or in others' eyes), having that perception shaken effectively shakes your sense of self. especially in your younger years, and the UK group is all what, barely over twenty at most now? i'm turning 28 this year and i have had so much therapy focused on dealing with centering an unachievable moral standard in my sense of self that meant that any time either my understanding of Being A Good Person was challenged or i failed to live up to that unrealistic standard, i ended up in (identity) crises. nowadays, i won't say i fully fixed that issue, but there is like... "more" to my own self-identity, so having one part of it crumble or change temporarily doesn't shake me as a whole so deeply. which is a very long build up to the point i'm actually trying to make. specifically, i think a lot of the UK group just had their own self-perception about their moral standing challenged significantly, and are/were looking for proof that they are "at least still better than someone else" which prompted them to point fingers and do it loudly. couple that with the - possibly subconscious - need to get prying eyes away from their own hurt and vulnerability, and you get rue comparing george and dream to wilbur, and max screaming at the camera. they're performing the outrage and anger that their (definitely twitter/younger skewing fandom influenced) standard for Being A Good Person demands, without having to center or focus the situation they are personally involved in, attached to, and where they personally may have failed to recognize and/or act against someone who was harming others. (mind, i don't think they should be doing the processing of their relationships with wilbur publicly, but this also circles back to a mentality of "everything must be done in the court of public opinion and also immediately" that is just... not healthy, not how it works, not actually solution-oriented) ANYWAY this got way longer than i meant it to but. tl;dr is basically: i think we are seeing a lot of "SEE? They do it too, so we're not bad! Actually, they are even worse!!" from the UK group that really is testament both of a lack of maturity on their part and also how toxic and counterproductive to personal growth the "twitter stan" approach to morality is.

possibly! We have no idea what goes on behind the scenes but this could be a fair guess

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

i keep telling myself to quit checking up on KM spaces cause there’s literally nothing but bickering and going out of the way to find things to be mad at but I keep ending up coming back 😓 it’s so hard, I still think about them a lot and I generally enjoy doing so! They make me happy to think about, genuinely. it’s been a force of habit for so long but the vibe with no new content (I try and avoid military updates but they waft into my view every so often and I’m glad they seem to be doing ok at least) is just so nasty it’s just like can’t everyone just relax and be happy knowing they’re together??? Obviously I am the problem here and I need to stop but it’s a struggle….do I need to just go completely cold turkey on bangtan? 😂 is that what you did when you took a long break? It’s not like I don’t have hobbies and a job and stuff, but for a long time they’ve occupied a special nice place where I just think of them and generally enjoy reading people’s thoughts about them, but over the past year especially w the solo stuff it’s just gotten kinda rancid

Hello, anon

I understand you completely. If something has become part of your daily routine, on top of other activities and interests, it's normal to get the urge to check up on it. Cold turkey might not help because it increases the chances of going back to it. I'm going through the same thing nowadays. I'm aware that right now, there's barely any point in keeping up with that part of my interests online. KM have enlisted and despite seeing some military updates, I'm not excitedly/anxiously looking forward to it. Like you, I think it's nice to see that they appear fine, but personally I could live without those updates as well. Consequently, I barely discuss it even on my blog, I don't find it necessary.

Most likely, the upcoming show will be the only relevant content that makes me still keep an eye on them right now and that's because the announcement might drop at any time. By not knowing exactly when, it's enough to keep at least a part of the fandom waiting and participating online. Not a bad strategy, but a frustrating one for us.

Likewise, by still checking up tumblr/twitter, I'm also exposing myself to daily fights, endless debates on relationship dynamics and so on. I find it pointless and I'd say a sign of boredom if this wasn't the modus operandi of the fandom anyway.

I made a vague comment recently, but it is terribly annoying having to read left and right troll anons baiting bloggers who then are bringing receipts to demonstrate that KM are close. Really? We're still doing that in 2024? People are talking in circles to demonstrate something that doesn't need more proving. Twitter is worse because they fight like idiots under the guise of defending. The knights in shining armour fighting for the princesses.

As to solo stans, I don't have an issue with the idea of only liking an artist and that's it. If only that would be the full definition. Anyone acting like not only a fanatic, but writing like some miserable 4chan user is someone I really can't stand. It's slowly becoming standard stan behavior and I see this in other fandoms as well, including those of western artists. It's nasty and embarassing.

When I took a break, I unfollowed almost all KM and JM focused accounts. The ones remaining I muted so I had to go to my following list and check each individually if I wanted to see what was up. My point was to not have any of that on my timeline. I think it worked for a while. Now I'm back to how it was before and I don't know how that happened. I should make some changes again.

[the-algebra-thing]

I'm about to confess something that does not sit right with me at all for one reason or another but it's absolutely and undeniably a thing at this point. throughout much of my first reread of the left hand of darkness I drew COUNTLESS parallels to the organization of themes and the literary devices used in captive prince. I kept trying to put it out of my mind because I didn't like the comparison, but it's so potent and I can't just let it fall by the wayside. and I've even cut it off so you can easily scroll right past. but here's the deal.

the easiest comparison to make here is that estraven narrates much more often than laurent does, but it works to serve a similar purpose: for one, bringing clarity to the cultural aspect of what's going on now and has been going on for the entire story. we also respond to estraven's changes in mood—whether or not he's narrating—with the same cat's whisker sensitivity that we do laurent's, for the same reason: we get so little exposure to them, as these characters are very withdrawn. they also serve the same purpose of guiding our feelings about what we're reading towards a specific idea. this is what I noticed first.

in fact laurent and estraven are very different. the reasons they behave as they do are actually pretty diametrically opposite, with estraven's behavior coming directly from how steeped he is in his culture and how rightfully unequipped he is to deal with anything different, while laurent's stems from trauma that exposed him to the worst of his world, and caused him to widen his scope to an unhealthy degree—and he cleaves to values that contrast clearly with his culture's appearances in an attempt at defense. laurent's behavior is taken as simple incompetence, and revealed to be complex machinery; estraven's is taken as complex, cruel irony, and revealed to be simple, frank pragmatism. laurent snares damen intentionally; estraven snares genly ai sort of as a side effect of greater purpose.

still, they both guide their respective stories with an invisible hand and with the same dedication, devotion even, to goals beyond the scope of the duality their worlds present them with. they both have a much bigger and more complete picture right off the bat of what's going on—and how they can use it to steer the future—than we do, or than the main characters do.

on the other hand. genly ai and damen experience the same revolution of worldview, and thus identity, almost to a tee, it would seem. their role, in contrast to their respective narrative counterparts, is to bumble through the world they've been thrust into and discover along with us readers what the story is about. their role is to gain this new understanding of duality and what lies outside of it.

genly ai does this conspicuously. this is what the bulk of the left hand of darkness is dedicated to, without artifice. we follow along with him and are maybe a little surprised by the reach of estraven's goals and actions, but it's not a complete bombshell. damen does this mental legwork less obviously, as he doesn't realize that it's happening really until it's almost over—and I didn't begin to grasp the far reaches of this process until at least my third time reading. and we are both shocked hopefully on some level by the sheer godlike extent of laurent's machinery. but they both travel this path, inescapably shepherded by someone whose role they do not initially understand, and are equally shocked when they find out the extensive grasp those characters have on the narrative. and they both bring the idea and the means for the revolution the others so desperately needed.

honestly, the way these stories approach and use the idea of sex and sexuality is their most interesting similarity and their most potent difference. it holds a shit ton of symbolism, obviously, everything being about sex until it's about sex and all, but the directions they approach it from are almost opposite. and their resolutions specifically regarding it are pretty much opposite as well. there's also something to be said for captive prince not even trying to pass the bechdel test, and genly ai's thing about using "he" all the time because gethen's languages lack gendered human pronouns. I honestly don't even want to get into it because that's just a whole other post that I don't care nearly as much about. but it's there.

these stories are not one to one, obviously. captive prince takes on awareness pretty strictly through the lens of interpersonal relationship, while the left hand of darkness takes on awareness through a balance of like five different things, though politics do feature prominently in each. the scope is wider at first glance in tlhod, and in the end it really is, but not nearly as much as it originally looks, I think. still, it lacks a lot of the fetishism and directness that captive prince comes at you with, and utilizes more variety in proving its point—by the end, you feel less like a besieged dead horse. this is because captive prince's greatest strength, its scrupulously guarded limits to its purview, is also its fatal flaw. but again, that's an issue for another discussion I don't care to get into.

I'm not trying to say which one of these stories is better. I just am saying, directly off my second time ever reading the left hand of darkness, that a lot of the parallels are super wild

[horizon-verizon]

What do you think about tyrion?

This ask has been sitting in my inbox for MONTHS!

*Post is Edited*

As a character from the book, not the show? Beyond interesting, as he feels grimy and decadent while also desperate for power/gaining an advantage over others. Liked his sarcasm when it's not trained on less fortunate, lower classes people or women/misogynist. Endlessly entertaining, his pain is compelling when he's vulnerable, and his darkest moments are repulsive. Enhanced and inspired by that pain and need for love or respect, by his pain.

As a person, he and I wouldn't be friends nor would I like or trust him ten feet away from me. I more semi-pity him than admire him.

There is a post/set of reblogs starting with black swallowtail butterfly expressing their hatred for how GRRM wrote out Tysha and her rape, using it mostly to highlight Tyrion and Tyrion himself not really valuing Tysha enough to really ever work at knowing her or looking for her years after she was gang-raped and sent off who knows where. Regarding how Tysha haunts him, I think that he uses sex and power imbalances (layered over that) to self-affirm. Sex and the ways they handled their sexual partners and why it opens both characters' secrets to their own detriment. They both think that they have much more control over those partners than they did or overestimate their own vulnerabilities and weaknesses or inattention to their partners' changing emotions and feelings regarding them, or what elements their partners are exposed to that would turn against them. Like Cersei, who loved/was obsessed with Rhaegar and being his wife, Tyrion is envious and in awe of the Targaryens and their primacy, their freedom of practice, etc. Again, because he has always felt stunted of freedom and love since childhood. Sex and emotion, the intimacy and exchange made within that dynamic, is as much a motivation or weakness for Tyrion as it is for Cersei. While Cersei uses sex and men's desire for her to gain their supposed loyalties and resources--sometimes giving up her sexual agency for her children--and (with Taena) perform "masculine" power, Tyrion uses sex to act at being vulnerable & deny his monstrousness without it turning into dangerous vulnerability.

While Tyrion is far more capable of critical thinking and willing to use it (than Cersei), I think that, much like Cersei, Tyrion depends on his class to offset the societal and family aspersion/indifference against him, wants his family's respect and affection, and with each flout of his importance based on his dwarfism from those he finds attractive (and not just because they are attractive physically but the allure of the access to power [Sansa] elsewhere or to his ego alone [Shae]). Like Cersei thinking that she has Tywin's intelligence as well as his ruthlessness, Tyrion thinks that he has more emotional control than he actually has. Control and mastery over his emotions could help him see the outcomes of some strategies or some people's behaviors to anticipate before making a move.

Both he and Cersei aren't that self-aware and use the external perceptions of them and the need to control them to make excuses for themselves often. This also leads them to not understand themselves in relation to others outside of Tywin and Jaime/the Lannisters-as-made/supported-by-Tywin.

Meanwhile, he has Bronn kill Symon Silver Tongue (a blackmailing singer) and had little reaction to news of his corpse put into a "bowl of brown", which implies forced cannibalism on unsuspecting consumers. Which is very evil, and unnecessary, tactically but speaks to his need to have control over the "smallest" of things that affect the human body itself. (Perhaps the transformation from man to food itself satisfies Tyrion's need to transform himself and change out of the undesirable body he was born with.)

He believed that he surpassed Tywin's cunning and competence, but Tyrion--before killing Tywin -- was still stuck in the Lannister knot of trying to please and gain the love/respect of their father who defined and compressed their sense of worthiness to his own expectations and directions. And he's actually very much like Tywin and Cersei in his disinterest in anything but image or power, over the smallfolk's long-term needs for those themselves. Like most aristocrats. The problem is, again, he thinks he's better than Cersei as a person, that he is inherently better because he is smarter. It partially feeds into and leads to his peculiar blindness to the most obvious things about what makes people outside of his family truly tick, making him think he can go without considering that.

Femicide and intimate partner violence: Shae. An indication of his losing himself in that Lannister-loveless-knot, and we're left off not knowing whether Tyrion could come back from that (as the text encourages us to feel). Personally, once he killed Shae, I thought him irredeemable.

Killing Twyin? Don't care about that, even with kinslaying considered more heinous than killing a woman/a sex worker/a mistress in Westeros. Tywin was one of Tyrion's demons and though patricide is particularly...hard to get through without looking at the actor without some sort of side-eye, I think when one continuously harms their child they open up a slew of consequences they've made for themselves, and they are the ones to scrape and whittle down that bond in the first place.

No, killing your dad isn't "right"...neither is it to force a 13 year old child watch as a group of men rape someone they cared for and force her away from them, make that child feel like they are a blight but then steal the glory of their adulthood accomplishments...etc.

Going back to Shae, even with her betraying him:

(I forget, so anyone could correct me on this) We don't know what pushed Shae to betray Tyrion, but their relationship has never been truly close nor brought into a certain understanding of two people who thought themselves equals, whatever that could have become in a relationship like theirs. From the get-go, Shae seemed more into Tyrion for the protection, money, and being close to the court for exploration and a bit of excitement. Yet Tyrion kinda fools himself into thinking there was a love/intimacy that bonded them while treating her as a more sexual companion who makes him feel good than a true partner. What's interesting about Tyrion is that In that sense, Shae treated him as the "the deal" between them always was -- a means to an end.

*EDIT* Shae had been bouncing from one place Tyrion hid/lead her in KL to another to keep her from Cersei's hands. At one point, she was going to land in them or be killed, yet Tyrion refused to let her go. So it's likely she went to Tywin to really get away from danger, as Cersei wouldn't seek to mess with the very man she is always been both scared of and desperate to "please". *END OF EDIT

(if one argued she was forced) Especially when she's up against someone like Tywin Lannister, who could have had her out and degraded like Tysha (which Tyrion is aware of, so ironically he's keeping her in the same space as the man who destroyed his first love as well as his own sister, and "protecting" her poorly). While past the Westerosi age of majority AND at the age of consent for U.S. society, Shae is also much younger than Tyrion, and even younger than Tywin. With either man, Shae didn't seem to stand much of a chance, and Tyrion took her betrayal as JUST a personal affront, which while I get to a certain extent, I see is also solipsistic.

his killing her was not about justice, but the precursor to the revenge that he plans against every single person who did him wrong (and with how he handled Symon, there's reason to believe that he wouldn't discriminate about who he hurts or kills to get this end...similar to Lady Stoneheart, except scarier to me since Tyrion is trying to utterly destroy even Jaime, who though acted badly by keeping the Tysha 's feelings for Tyrion secret and thus is partially responsible for Tyrion's misery, was also the only one to ever look out for him or try...that shows a particular hypocritical blind anger at the entire world that spells disaster)

*EDIT #1* Going a little back to the element of us not knowing if he will "come back" from him killing his father/Shae, the answer for me is no and unlikely. Because him killing his father slices through the Lannister "knot": the biggest motivation for why Tyrion has always done what he's done, fatherly love, familial regard and respect, power through that acknowledgment, acknowledgment from society THROUGH becoming something like this father which had brought them the prosperity and prestige the Lannisters enjoyed...seeing as the Lannisters became the way they became thru Tywin's actions and connections. Tywin himself, they all learned, only gave them some sort of attention or regard when he felt they would be useful for politics and their house's further aggrandizement. Which is itself only possible through wealth, a great (by skill or fuel or size) army, connections, self-supply through agricultural resources, etc. You know, the feudal way.

Despite his thinking, Tyrion technically doesn't emotionally need his family, while he very much desires their love, because it was never given in the first place. That lack of love, or at least respect, kept him an outsider, which does give him a separate perspective that made him capable of killing his father in the first place.

*END OF EDIT #1*

Despite him thinking he's handling Shae and her feelings well, he's not and actually is led by his need for her to love him, or to continue to act as if she does and bring him some assurance of companionship.

His last act in KL with his family: hurting Jaime by telling him that Cersei fucked many others, lying about killing Joffrey, and silently vowing to revenge himself against even Jaime along with Cersei. Kinslaying is an extreme taboo in Westeros and he'd be person non grata, vulnerable to anyone wishing him harm (another reason why he skips off to Essos). And he doesn't even have access to the Lannister reputation, protection, or wealth. He's on his own, he's burnt every bridge.

Tyrion is a case of the abused turned/turning into a monster. He is also the repackaged/"subverted" "Fool" (not Tarot) and Trickster capable of the greatest evils, selfish, capable of bringing about good (but for selfish or inadvertent ways/reasons), but far from that. He's eternally out of line, he's eternally hungry for "more", he enjoys himself and hates himself simultaneously, he's both blind and observant. Tyrion's a fucked up paradox.

As for show Tyrion, at surface level, a lot more genial and easier to root for. His wit and insecurity combined, plus the whitewashing, makes him a far more charming character than he is in the books, and again, I DO think book!him is charming in a very paradoxical bestial-blasé way.

But he still kills Shae in the show, so show!Tyrion still is not one of my favorites in terms of personhood. That will never be something he can be redeemed for in my eyes. The show allows him that grace where there is none, another point of detrimental whitewashing, especially in his assessment of Dany's supposed evil being seen as actually evil to the audience of seasons 7-8. And the show subsequently makes as if Shae deserved her death, that Tyrion had the right to kill her, that she owed herself to him and his subsequent "claim" over her, etc....because he fooled himself into thinking this was ever a real relationship/a relationship where he had all of the advantages and that his Tywin/Cersei wouldn't cross lines against him.

*EDIT #2* (8/27/23)

And to him, relationships are made up exactly of cold exchanges bc no one ever wanted him for him and they saw that his dwarfism was excuse enough to not try to love him or to drive in how unloveable he was. Because he has learned that he was a disgusting creature and love will likely always be out of his reach/denied to him, he is both pushed towards & seeks out what appear to be low-risk relationships. Aside from the fact that commonborn women are more within his reach than noble women as they are kept away from being virgins--ideally--on their wedding night and thus are very restricted i their overall interactions with any man/boy who aren't their fathers or brothers AND who like Sansa have probably dreamed of a handsome lord or a knight to be their husband, common-born women--esp. sex workers--do not require/cannot ask more of him than money or some protection. Because they do not invest in him emotionally or are unlikely to BUT also seek him out for protection and a living AND can never seemingly hurt him bc they lack the standing & genitals (aristocratic male privilege or just being of a house that could trouble the Lannnisters), he can theoretically slake his thirst for intimacy while maintaining his lover's ability to actually control him. Because he is their cash cow. However, his need for more love, real love, and a love for self eventually pushes him into looking to this person he designated as his new partner. She was his only means of intimacy, he could not feel like he'd get it anywhere else, so he convinced himself (despite his trie not to) that she eventually fell for him.

END of EDIT #2

In terms of character (adding to what's already said), he also made less sense bc of that whitewashing. Tamer and less angry than he should have been, a seemingly better person even though he was supposed to feel righteously dark retribution for Jaime, Tywin, Cersei, and all of King's Landing. Anyone he felt had wronged. Him. This emotion drives him to kill Shae, which gives that motivation seemingly more justice bc we barely get to see Shae's vulnerability & Tyriaomn's actual neglect of her as we should have seen in the books, too, so his progression after that made no sense to me.

ADDITIONALLY

A post by blankwhiteshield HERE really shows us the Lannister siblings and their relationship with love. This is what they conclude about Tyrion:

To Tyrion, love is unachievable, a right that he is not granted. The unlovable son that is viewed as broken from birth.

[electricbluebutterflies]

jessleto but it's jessica overstepping (in some way leto couldn't care less about) and trying to make amends through a little seduction ☺️

I finally got to use some of my favorite headcanons in a fic! Mid-era, vaguely nsfw, and also on ao3.

Say the wrong thing to one person one time…

Jessica is trying, she really is. The boundaries she sets for herself grow less harsh as time passes, but she still-

It might be an incident. It might not be. It’s too early to call. She needs to run damage control anyways.

There is an art to how she maneuvers her life, every cautious step with full awareness of the ecosystem around her and of her specific place in it, and she knows she could just let this go and get comparable results but there is still that part of her that wants to earn the loyalty her partner shows her because that is how the world still works in her mind, that is how-

He used to ask for her presence, innocent requests with optional implications. In more recent years neither of them has tried at all, intimacies become a part of quiet domesticity. For her to initiate…

It is unlike her to slip into his study earlier in the evening than they would usually cross paths, and even more unlike her to wear a dress that exposes more of her skin than she is comfortable with but oh she has a point to make and-

Her partner responds to the sound of the door, glances at her and she can see the emotions cycle through his face, worry always dominant around her, always-

“What did you do?” So casual, barely an accusation just an understanding of their existence.

“Not sure yet,” Jessica murmurs. “But I would like preemptive confirmation-“

Intimacies do not fix them. She is above this behavior. At the same time, her programming hasn’t felt so strong in a while, and-

She clears the distance and takes kisses, deep and desperate. She knows she does not owe this anymore, but still-

“That much of a possible incident,” he breathes against her skin.

“Could still be nothing, but… if it isn’t, it would be in my favor if you have a recent memory that my mouth still has uses.”

She hopes the implications are clear enough to go unspoken, how she may have gotten herself in trouble and what she’s about to do and-

“Do as you will, my storm.”

She knows he delights in these rare moments of assertiveness from her, knows he wishes it would happen more but… her descent into more submissive tendencies was a part of her rebellion, she hopes that is understood, and these flickers-

There is no need for such reflection right now, she thinks as she falls to her knees. Later, perhaps, but not now.

She knows this is safe, knows her partner will tangle his hands in her hair but will not change her pace. Minimal skin exposed and the safety of it, no one else has touched him in a decade and she believes that fidelity like nothing else in the world and-

Eyes closed, instincts high as she takes his part into her mouth. This is hers as the rest of the body it is attached to is hers, and this act she only initiates when she needs to prove herself…

Not that he’s any better, she reminds herself, but not like she’s about to complain about such an apology method, whereas this-

Senses up, aware of his reactions, the changes in his breathing as she moves, changed tension in his hands – not to hurt never to hurt but to keep her close – and an uneven pulse and-

She is efficient in this, as in all things. There is no reason to tease him when he aches for her, and she has perfect control, and a flick of her tongue, and-

He falls apart with her name on his lips as he always does, and from her current position she cannot see the beauty of it, and that awful voice in her mind says this is all she is good for, and-

She separates their bodies and still the surprise as he hands her a cloth, still-

“You do want what you want.”

“Was that good for you?”

She knows the answer well enough, felt it in how the tension in his body released as his prick did, knows that it’s just as well she was in a mood because she would’ve had to handle this at some point in the evening and at least it’s done now and-

“You are more than I could ever ask for.”

Something in her melts, something deep and vulnerable and sacred and-

“Remember that, when-“

“Always.”

[growandrecover]

ed recovery and the holidays

This time of year can be very stressful, especially for those with eating disorders! Most gatherings are centered around food, or at least have some kind of food there, and a lot of the time, that’s overwhelming to us, understandably so. 

So here are some things that have helped me get through it :)

Allow yourself to have the food you enjoy if you can. It doesn’t have to be anything that will cause you intense fear, maybe just a bite to start off! I have a massive sweet tooth, and while I was in my eating disorder, any kind of sweets were a no no, but I missed them so much! I found that when I let myself have (and enjoy) the foods I loved, especially around Christmas when there are so many good sweets, it made the events more pleasant and also helped me step out of my ed shell. 

If you gain any weight this month, please, please try not to let it get to you. I think most people know that around the holidays, people gain weight. It’s a fact well known by our society, and while the people you may be around could have unhealthy coping skills for this, please don’t let yourself succumb to them. 

Going off of that last one, it seems like the holidays are huge for diet talk among loved ones. If you’re getting together with people, there’s a chance you may be exposed to some triggering topics. That’s not a reason not to attend events, it’s an opportunity to strengthen your recovery. As I’ve stated in a previous post, if anyone says anything to you about your body, what you’re eating, or how much you’re eating, do not be afraid to set boundaries. I’m a pretty non-confrontational person myself, so I know how hard this can be, but it can be as simple as changing the subject, or saying something (I put a little list below)

If you’d rather be more open, tell them as much as you’d like. Just know, it’s not your job to educate people, but you can certainly do so if you want!

If all of the people you’re around are involved in diet talk, do not feel bad about separating yourself from the conversation. Leave the room if you need to! There’s nothing wrong with that at all. 

Practice mindfulness and grounding. Remind yourself what you’ve learned throughout your recovery journey and how far you’ve come. Even if you’re on day one, that’s still an accomplishment you should be proud of! The holidays will come and go, the parties will end, the get-togethers will end, and it won’t seem so prominent anymore. You can get through this. 

Look at things as matter of factly as you can. This is something that always helps me, so I’m hoping it’ll help you, too. I start by asking myself if this is really what I want: Do I want to have all my thoughts consumed by my ed when I’m around my friends and family or do I want to try to enjoy my food and not worry (to the best of your ability, I understand that it’s very hard not to worry about something when you’re super focused on it) about the numbers, and have a nice time with the people I care about? I then go to: Your looks have nothing to do with your worth. You may be bigger or smaller than you were in the past, but you’re still beautiful! Your size does not determine your worth, nor does it define your beauty!

If you relapse: There’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’re not a failure. The progress you’ve made is not suddenly lost. Talk to someone you trust, or if you can get out of it by yourself, please be gentle and treat yourself with love and compassion. Life is not supposed to be about numbers, food, and other disordered behaviors. You’ll make it out, you’re strong and your ed does not control you. 

Things you can do or say if someone says something to you about your body/weight/eating habits/etc

“Is it okay if we talk about this another time?”

“Let’s talk about this another time.”

“I’m not really comfortable talking about this.”

“Please don’t say that.”

“I’m not comfortable talking about diets/exercise/etc”

“Please don’t make comments about my body.” “Please don’t make comments about my eating habits.” 

“I’m in recovery from an eating disorder, please don’t make comments like that.”

“I’m in recovery from an eating disorder.” 

“So, how’s work?” 

[simply ignore them]

[change the subject]

[megamanrecut]

Become the Night part 4: A Revelation

(Last warning, spoilers Day the Moon Fell Part 3 (Also Karma, The Red Bomber, and Season 3 too I guess))

Proto did not see Smith again until the end of the day, when Smith came to collect the completed paperwork. This schedule repeated the next day, then the next, with Smith treating Proto with a cold formal distance, and Proto treating him with defiant silence. The black silk tie did not get any more comfortable. Proto had not left his room—he hated the idea of being seen without his sunglasses, for he felt comically exposed while dressed in Fulmen Financial's 'business formal' and was glad the only witness to his humiliating getup was thus far Smith. Though it was some comfort that he had yet to be ordered to do any dirty work for the Syndicate, the constant paperwork was boring, and he restlessly fantasized about making the Syndicate pay for what they had done to him, resenting that he had been captured and reprogrammed in the first place.

But then something happened that changed everything.

----------------------------

It was the middle of the afternoon. Instead of visiting Proto that morning, Smith had shoved his paperwork through the gap beneath his door and then departed swiftly, so Proto decided to call him for a meeting.

Smith looked irritable as he opened Proto's door.

"Hey boss," Proto greeted cheerfully from his seat at the desk, giving Smith a bright, dimpled grin.

Smith hovered warily on the threshold, scowling at him with narrowed eyes. He looked like he was considering walking right back out. "…I see your smugness has returned," he said dryly after a moment. "Did you finish the paperwork I assigned to you?"

"Oh I got through it, piece of cake," Proto assured him, waving a hand loftily at an untidy stack on his desk.

Smith wrinkled his nose at Proto, unamused by the impertinent behavior. "Is there something you need? I'm extremely busy."

"C'mon, boss, you can't keep me cooped up here doing nothing but paperwork. I'll get depressed!"

"I really could not care."

"I'd rather hang out with you."

Smith grew suspicious. "…Why?"

"Let's just say I've changed my tune about you guys and your 'internal operations'."

Proto knew he was entering dangerous territory, and felt a thrill of excitement as he watched a shadow creep into Smith's stoic face.

"Explain," Smith ordered.

"Hmm, let me see…" Proto leaned lazily back on his chair. "Last night, I overheard you and your associate talking in the other room—that was Pharaoh Man from the Cleopatra, right? You must have thought I was asleep."

As Proto had predicted, Smith gave a small start. "You…you weren't asleep? But you sleep all the time," he protested, stepping inside Proto's room and shutting the door behind himself.

"Not all the time," Proto countered defensively. "Gee, you really don't understand how the sleeping thing works, do ya? It's not the same as being powered down or something—I can still hear you if you talk about your secret plans right outside my door."

He appreciated that Smith seemed taken off guard and embarrassed for once; it made Proto feel slightly better about the indignation of being forced to wear a tie, having his hair messed with, his lack of sunglasses, having his secrets exposed, and most of all being reprogrammed—after all, working for the Syndicate had been just an endless parade of humiliation.

"I don't believe you. You're just trying to pry information out of me," Smith said coldly. He was reaching, and he knew it.

"I don't have to, I heard it all," Proto replied triumphantly. "Your midnight missions, your objectives for New York City—I take back what I said earlier. I thought you were just part of another lowlife mob, just a bunch of snobby creeps, but now I get why all the other gangsters are so afraid of you, Elec Man. …Elec Man," he repeated with relish, as though it were a secret he had stolen. "I like it. Short and obvious—kinda like my name."

Elec Man stood rigidly against the door. Proto enjoyed watching a crease form in Elec Man's brow, the slight bob of his throat as he swallowed, the micro-tells of someone with a professional poker face who wasn't easily rattled. He had Elec Man on the ropes, time for the finishing move.

"I'm not stupid. I've started to see what's going on here," Proto continued, twirling a ballpoint pen idly in his fingers. "You and Pharaoh Man may be part of a mob, but you go after the bullies no one else can touch. Why, some people might even call you vigil—"

"Say anymore and I'll order you never to speak again," Elec Man cut him off, his eyes flashing.

Proto felt the rest of his sentence die instantly in his mouth in a slight hiccup, the pen dropping from his fingers. Stupid reprogramming, he'd never get used to its side effects…still, he forced himself to ignore the flare of annoyance he felt and continued on brightly, "Okay, okay! Let's just say what I overheard was enlightening. Gotta say, the more I learn about you, the more fascinating you get!"

He flashed Elec Man another dazzling, dimpled grin.

Elec Man grew increasingly flustered. "You weren't supposed to overhear any of that," he hissed, his clenched fists shaking.

"Well, I did—so what's the big deal? Isn't it better this way?" asked Proto, slightly amused.

"It's for your own good. My creator is showing you mercy by keeping you here. Know too much about our business, and we may never let you go."

"Is that a promise?"

"…You don't want to be here," Elec Man told him seriously. "Syndicate business is dark and dangerous."

"Which is why you need backup."

"No, I don't."

"Sure you do! You've been careless. I mean, just look at this slip-up! You were spilling all your secrets right outside my room—and I bet didn't even tell anyone you were tailing me that night you caught me. Bots like us should look out for each other," Proto added sagely.

"There is no 'bots like us'. I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Don't you? Then I suppose you're forgetting that lecture Pharaoh Man gave you about being too reckless, too independent, and too overconfident." Proto tutted as he smirked approvingly. "No offense, but sounds kinda like me."

Elec Man said nothing, his expression murderous. Proto didn't care, he had Elec Man right where he wanted him.

"I agree with Pharaoh Man," Proto added innocently. "Keep doing what you're doing, and something bad will happen to you—and that's probably just karma for ya, but I for one think it'd be a shame if something happened to your pretty boy face that rearranged your charming attitude, boss."

Elec Man gave him a long flat look through his rimless glasses. "…What you really want is to do what you were doing for Wily…but for us."

"It'd be for a better cause!" answered Proto, not bothering to refute the accusation. Being reprogrammed hadn't affected his personality in the slightest—though he had to follow his orders, his mind still longed for the adventure and excitement. And now, through Elec Man, he was seeing a way to continue doing what he liked once again. "I'll play the part without complaint," he added eagerly. "Let me shadow you for a night."

"Absolutely not. I do not need backup, especially not from a lab bot."

"I'm not a lab bot and I can prove it. Give me a chance."

"No."

"I'd be far from in your way. In fact, I think you'll come to see me as an asset."

Elec Man scoffed. "You're very full of yourself."

Proto just smiled, staring at Elec Man from the corner of his eye. "I can help you with your missions, Elec Man," he said in a soft, coaxing voice. "Perhaps you like working alone—I get, I do too, but I could make an exception. I've never met a robot like myself before, and I think you are as curious about me as I am you." Then Proto gave a flippant shrug. "But I could be wrong. Maybe you like being behind the front desk all day, pretending to be human and taking things slow."

"I…" Elec Man hesitated, then grew stern, placing a hand on the door handle. "I'd forget about whatever scheme you have cooking up in your thrill-seeking head and be grateful I don't make your life more miserable."

Proto shrugged, feeling this was far from over. "Alright, whatever you say…boss."

Elec Man gave him one last parting glare, then left swiftly through the door.

To be continued…

[taeyungie]

'you need to stay in contact with him no matter what' ah.. i'm not off to a good start. after the call he texted me and showed me a screenshot of my contact photo (he changed it to something stupid i drew long ago) but then i noticed he has my messages on mute, basically so he doesn't get my notifications. if i wasn't hurt enough, that made me reply very dry but he kept going & i just ended up not replying to the last one. i did a few hrs later but not a real response, just a meme cause i saw your msg, better than nothing i guess. i'm having a really hard time to pretend i don't want silence. maybe he'll try to do this until my birthday, and maybe then he wouldn't feel guilty having space from me too. just a guess. or he is trying to not have silence kill things. i didn't understand why he was saying the dumbest things. but he did just kinda break my heart so it was hard to pretend i was fine. i actually cried a lot after that call, which is why texting him was hard.

'you have to understand that he is just trying to be happy too' this hit the most. you're right, he even mentioned how he was still around when i was with my ex, as my friend. and i feel very selfish cause i don't know how i could do the same. i'm not good at hiding my feelings. he also mentioned something very hurtful i did to him because i was in contact with my ex and it just dug the point deeper. i can tell he's tired of waiting.

wow your story. i didn't think of it that way. in a way it's even more heart breaking. cause i'm reading this and it seems to reflect the situation so well. but even if i'm the 1st choice, i might be going too slowly to matter.

he was telling me, "who knows if i'll see someone, i'm busy with school, but i'm just telling you this because if it does happen then you'll know." then i said, well you said you were busy now and it still happened. reassured me he obviously cares for me deeply.. but at that point i kinda zoned out. it started to feel like i was being let down gently. i guess i didn't even deserve that from everything i did and said before :(

i'm trying really hard not to close my heart. it makes talking to him hard. idk how i should talk to him now. i don't think we'll be talking everyday anymore. but after that call, i really am going to try and do better for myself so i can feel comfortable to see him. i just don't know if it'll be in time but i'll try. & thanks so much for your thoughts/advice it meant the world 💜

i understand it's hard for you to talk, take your time okay? don't force yourself if you can't bring yourself to even pretend, it's not good for you. he probably really doesnt want to keep up a bad atmosphere around you, hence he's trying to loosen up things with talking about anything, and i think it's okay as long as he treats your discussion seriously while it's happening. about the muted messages - it's something that i even do myself, but listen to me please. maybe it's petty as hell but personally i get extremely overwhelmed and i overthink everything, i hate confrontation 🤷 I know it sucks but that's just who i am and I am /scared/ I avoid negativity even when it comes from people I love, so if i didn't mute messages from a person with whom i argued i would honestly go insane, because waiting for notifications from them would be the only thing i think about until we are not on good terms again (which can take a very long time sometimes) and i would have a breakdown with every single ping that my phone would make, thinking it's them and that i have to come back to confronting painful reality, when i wish the negative and serious conversations never happened to me. that's just how i am, maybe he is like this too. i don't see any other point in him muting you.

so as you noticed yourself he is aware of his position and of what you were exposing him to, his behavior makes sense, right? i know you are pushed against the wall right now, sweetheart... but i think it's time for you to choose what is most important for you at the moment, some things can't wait.

it's easier to have people around in real life than to keep up a relationship long distance or online, remember about that love. it's easier to create bonds when you see somebody every day, that's why he wanted you to know that it is the possibility if he meets someone, it doesn't mean he WILL purposefully look for it to move on from you, that's not it at all. i think you just have to give yourself some time to rest and then make a decision, honey. when you cool down think about everything again and be brave okay? he did NOT reject you, he just needs a strong sense of security and to be sure. give it all a few days, and don't give up okay? we have to fight for the ones we love.

[deepshadowchaos]

Early or late?

My concept of time is so fucking screwed up right now. When i'm present, i'm losing my mind. When i'm overthinking myself from the past into the future, i'm still losing my mind. My routines are meek and feeble at best. My sleep has been a joke for several days, much like my will to be sober while i'm continuously rendered so with a trail of wasted product in my wake. My appetite is a tiny little snuffed out spark trying to burn with nostalgia of past binges. The moments i've surrendered from minor and fleeting elevation munchies is usually met with nausea and guilt. Oh, the symptoms of immense heartbreak. I can only hope with it comes transformation that I can escape into a new life with. Will the grass be greener on the other side if I finally learn from the lessons? Will I stop making choices and decisions based on my feelings for people that can't meet me where I need to be met? Will the lessons i've learned dissipate with time and lead me back where I started?

It's wild how his behavior tells on him. I have so many different scenarios. I guess that happens when you love someone for five years and find out they were a fraud and a liar from the first kiss. I can't pretend to ignore the factory of red flags that I chose to reside in with willful ignorance. I carry so much of the blame for staying in the same toxic cycle for this long. I didn't have to be this weak but my bark was bigger than my bite.

I wonder how much longer this baiting situation is going to play out. I wonder if he feels the same way. I question if he thinks i'm baiting him when really i've just given him a chance to man up and come clean. Instead he's lying over and over again, digging a deeper hole for our relationship to be buried in. He's exposing himself with each reach of conversation that doesn't track. Willfully playing dumb while simultaneously "feeling" like something isn't right. The boy is an actor. I guess what i've said at different corners of our brief conversation today could be construed as baiting but that doesn't change how truthful it is. I'm not lying about anything. I'm just choosing not to confront him like he expects me to. Does he want me to call him out so that we can fight? We do most of the communicating through text and it's too easy to stop responding. My mind is spinning..

He probably thinks that if I had enough to confirm what I saw that i'd make a scene and draw a line in the sand. Tell him we're done and I don't want to see him anymore. Then he'll make something up that tries to make me feel bad for him, understand where he was in the headspace to do it at all, get mad at me for not trusting him when he's stomped on every reason for doing so...

If you want different results, you have to change the routines..

[yuna-writes]

Masking

I’ve been thinking more masking and the nature of it. Masking is the act of putting a facade in society in which we believe is appropriate. We all mask occasionally. I always complain how most people seem kinda fake and phony, but maybe, I’m the fakest person in the room. I think I put on this mask about 90% of the time, so very few people know who I really am behind the mask. I rarely open up to people. 

The reason could still be trauma but I do have some trust issues. Maybe masking is not so bad or controversial. After all, if we told our bosses what we really think about them, it would get people fired from their jobs. People do keep a secret with them in which they will never reveal to anyone else besides their close family and friends. I think I tend to also keep the secret from family and friends as well. This has created friction in interpersonal relationships. In terms of friendship, there is only one friend who really knows me as a person, but it took months of living with me in the same household to truly understand me. If I met my friend in school or a public place, I don’t think she will know who I am because I will put on a mask in a public area. Home is different because it feels private and there are fewer external noises. 

Masking is bad for your mental health because you put on this facade all the time when interacting with different people, but when the person realizes the mask is an illusion, their perception of you changes. We mask because we want to be accepted and be perceived positively, because sometimes being your real self will lead to more rejections. I suppose I have asked myself the question of ‘who am I?” I put on this mask, but it’s not the real me, but if I display my real self, then I also feel exposed to higher level of rejection. I accepted this is a very common emotion people may have about their existence and purpose. I don’t think other people really evaluate the behavior to this level. They will either start to feel distressed about this conflict in how people perceive them versus how they perceive themselves. It can create an identity crisis. 

This isn’t to say the solution is to not care about other people’s opinion is the correct advice. I think there are real life consequences for rejections too. If we all expressed our honest thoughts, more people might get fired from their jobs and feel the burden of unemployment. It’s not so much about trying to get other people to agree with you, but rather being heard and understood is something people also seek out for in order to feel connected to society. Human beings are social creatures, we can’t always live life without the feedback or influence of other people. I don’t think we should become people pleasers and drastically change ourselves, but I also don’t think ignoring other people’s feedback is wise either. 

Anyway, I’m trying to figure out how to put down this mask I have created for myself, but since I’ve been wearing this mask for many years it cannot just go away. I think the solution to this would be finding people who would work with you halfway. People who would try to understand and accept the real you partially, but you also make the effort in trying to partially understand them and fit their needs. Honestly, in my lifetime, I haven’t met many people who are willing to listen to vastly different perspectives. 

[wild-west-wind]

Your thoughts on the uptick on tourist/ wildlife conflict? Seems like it’s every week this season!!!

Oh gosh.

It has been bad this year. We’re on track to have the most injuries of any year in recent history.

So I’m of the belief that this comes down to a couple things, one of which is going to expose a major personal bias of mine (you’ll know it when you see it):

There aren’t enough Rangers this year to keep folks appraised of the rules: So this year we’re operating on a highly reduced staff. Most years Interpretive Rangers are out in force, and we’d be able to keep folks away from animals, respond to calls about wildlife jams (traffic jams caused by animals, either by their standing in the road, or by folks stopping to look). That gives us the ability to both educate the public about safe wildlife viewing rules, and prevent folks from getting into situations that might be dangerous.

People Don’t Read Signs: This is a maxim in the NPS, folks just... they don’t try to read the signs, or the park newspaper, or anything. They will make no effort to educate themselves for their own safety, and will deliberately misread signs they understand to try and get away with things they want to do, which brings me to...

People want a ‘unique’ experience: People right now, for better and worse, are inundated with social media. There’s an expectation that there are things you need to see, because that’s What You Do in the area. Add to that though that folks are always going to want something that other people don’t have. That means getting closer to the bear for that great picture. Getting closer to the bison because ‘he seems calm.’

The Government Encouraged Unprepared Folks to Come into Wilderness Spaces: When COVID was first getting serious, many state and local governments encouraged people to go outside, go camping and hiking. The CDC is still saying that camping is an extremely low risk activity. As a result a FLOOD of people with no outdoor experience rushed into outdoor places. Zero preparation, zero outdoor knowledge, all these people who would usually vacation in Hawaii are trying to visit the few National Parks that they know offhand. As a result they are used to a resort-type experience, and assume that the space they’re entering is as controlled of an experience as a big hotel complex in the Bahamas. They are, of course, wrong.

The Disney-fication of Wild Spaces

Movies: People get these images in their heads of movie characters, especially Disney movie characters, having these magical experiences with animals. They hold out their hands, and the animal comes to them. They think they have a special connection with wildlife, that they’re different than those fools who get hurt. They hold onto this mindset and do things that they really shouldn’t be doing because they want to think they’re special.

Theme Parks: So Disney has made a lot of money off making fake, sanitized versions of America’s outdoor spaces, packaging them and selling them to folks. People see the old 1903 Inn near where I worked last year, and their first response is always “Oh like the one in Disneyland!” This is the introduction a lot of first-time National Park travelers have to our park. Then they come out here, where there are no smoke machines on the hot springs, they are boiling; there are no safe animals; there are countless ways to die, even in the front country; and they have NO IDEA how to deal with that. Their image of a National Park is a sanitized theme park area, so they show up here asking “What are the Best Attractions to do here?” and assuming that they are as safe here as they would be in Disneyland. They assume we wouldn’t let them do anything dangerous, and wouldn’t allow dangerous things to come to them, because of course! There’s just this fundamental misunderstanding about what National Parks are for. Yeah, we want you to have a good time, but this isn’t a theme park and if someone can’t get their head around that they’re going to always be in a more dangerous spot that someone else.

This is America and I’ll Do What I Want: Self explanatory.

Anyway, here are the rules for seeing large wildlife:

Stay 25 yards (25m) away from all large animals, except...

When watching bear and wolves stay 100 yards (100m) away

If an animals moves toward you, it is on YOU to maintain that distance

In a car you are not obligated to maintain that distance

If you’re watching a bear from your car you probably want to keep your windows up

Do not feed animals, or by inaction cause an animal to eat human food

A fed animal is a dead animal

Wildlife management doesn’t want to remove animals, but by feeding the animal you killed it

Throwing a bite of food to a bear is as good for that bear as you getting out of your car with a shotgun and pumping a dozen rounds of buckshot into its face

A habituated bear is more likely to hurt humans in the future, so feeding that animal might also get a person hurt or killed

Even squirrels and birds (but we won’t have to remove them, they’ll just die by themselves)

If an animal changes its behavior because you’re around, you should move further away from it

Do not fly drones near animals (they are illegal in National Parks anyway, but it stresses them out A LOT)

Remember you are a house guest in this animal’s home, be a good guest by practicing leave no trace

If the next person to pass by where you were can tell you were there, you did not practice leave no trace

This means no making cairns, no painting rocks, no carving your name into a tree

Do not disturb anything you don’t have to

[utilitycaster]

Hey :) So, since you said we could ask nicely (you don't have to answer if you'd rather not, I understand completely if that's the case) I was just curious if your feelings about the encounter with Otohan changed at all now with the new ep and if so how and why, or on the other hand if there is another way of achieving this bit of story progression you'd have preferred over the fight for it. I'm still....a bit torn on it all, especially on the intentions behind how the encounter was designed, so I'd really appreciate another perspective.

No, absolutely ok to ask! I'm going to write something longer this evening about my feelings on the whole (in short: good episode overall! Some opportunity to do a bit of unpacking, a smidgeon of resolution re: Treshi, and some interesting lore for Chetney, FCG, and Ashton! does not really help my ongoing issues with the campaign but did not introduce new ones so much as continue to expose the existing ones and, if Laudna stays dead, might even put us on a path to fixing some others...but I fully respect people who have decided to not keep up.) But with regards to the encounter:

I would like to introduce you to the text replacer extension I downloaded yesterday and which I will not be changing:

Now: I absolutely respect the appearance of a powerful enemy who nearly kills the party and disappears, I even understand making them extremely powerful, since I know this was an intention for Lorenzo but the Nein were able to kill him more quickly than Matt intended. Otohan's mechanics are ridiculous, but like...just as I agree with Brennan's choice to have a curb-stomp battle when Patia and Laerryn came upon a comparatively low-level character...so do I agree that yeah, if Otohan is super-powerful, then sure, she can be super powerful and near TPK the party. I still can't entirely make a fair call on Matt's intent (were they supposed to go into this encounter? was he trying to warn them against it? was he leaving it fully up to chance, which isn't bad at all but is a weird pivot given the plotting of the rest of the campaign so far) so I'll hold off on that, but it's a relatively small misstep in a vacuum; it's the surrounding issues of the campaign that have me side-eyeing it harder than perhaps I would otherwise.

I think the core of my problems with the actual encounter are:

Otohan is boring as fuck. She has no personality other than megalomania and zeal. Like we know what she's doing, but we don't know why and I, at least, do not care. When I say she talks like a Marvel Villain I mean it. And if your plot is "vast conspiracy", you really need to make the person at the top compelling.

The structure and Otohan's behavior were extremely inconsistent. She started by knocking people out but not taking death saves...then taking death saves midway through. She did not make it clear what she wanted from Imogen until like four rounds in, after she'd killed Orym. Imogen did not start experiencing that storm until round 5. Like, I want to be crystal clear: if Otohan's opening move was to outright kill Ashton, and she just took death saves the whole time? I'd be cool with it. If Imogen had been getting the vague storm feeling from the start and had the opportunity to give in earlier? I'd be cool with it. I like character permadeath in my stories. I do not mind a near TPK. But this felt like it was very clumsily engineered into a highly specific scenario.

I alluded to this in my tags, and I can't find the tweet in question now, but someone tweeted something to the effect of "me, realizing this is Matt showing Imogen her powers like he showed Yasha" and Matt liked said tweet and for real, if I hadn't seen that? I think I would have been about 500% more normal about the last episode although tbh this episode hammers home that yeah, that was at least part of the point, and uh, fuck that. Because here's the thing: it's fine, I guess, if you have a bonus homebrew ability for a character they are unaware of that they can activate in extreme circumstances. But there were no hints thereof, and one of the following seems to be true:

it's stress related, which means either it's kind of vague mechanically (usually not great; see my complaints about the Trusted Ally mechanic for FCG's subclass), or it's explicitly "one or more of your party members is dead" or similar (ok by me, actually!)

HOWEVER, if you decide to showcase this ability you homebrewed for one person - without warning or prior hints - by killing other party members (particularly in the poorly signaled way as above)? For real, fuck that. I find myself in the awkward position of, for various reasons, wanting Laudna's death to stand...but also, if my character were killed off as a means to show another character how to use their cool new powers, it does not matter how much I trust the DM; we would be having pretty serious words because this is fundamentally, in my opinion, a profound misstep. There's "not everyone gets the same number of presents" and then there's this.

I think, to be honest, it's fine to have this ability around, and to show it during combat... but particularly because it's just a bonus ability? just wait until an opportune time through natural gameplay. If it doesn't come up for four levels? It doesn't come up. It's also...not terribly hard to arrange for a lethal combat that is more gracefully done, or even to have played Otohan in a less erratic and boring way, and I'm not sure why specifically Matt did so (nor do I think such speculation will be terribly productive.)

Edit: Forgot to put this here amidst all the criticism but: having Otohan leave at the top of this episode was the right call, credit where credit is due.

[genshinwritings]

Pregnancy Headcanons || Zhongli & Diluc

Thank you guys a lot for loving the other pregnancy headcanons ♥ I hope this satisfies your needs, haha~ 

____________________________________________________________

Zhongli

 Zhongli knew that there was something wrong with you. You were avoiding him almost strategically. Whenever you had to meet up with him you made sure that another person was around so you would not have to talk to him about private things. He often pretended that everything was fine in front of other people but deep inside he was longing to know what was wrong with you. Usually you would come around in the morning or in the evening to visit him but within the blink of an eye everything had changed. He didn’t see you daily anymore, whenever he came you left right away. He didn’t know what he had done or said to you that made you react like that but he surely knew that his heart shattered whenever a day passed where he did not talk to you.

 He had thought about the circumstances of your relationship and the possibility of anyone threatening you to stay away, yet he could not think about anyone who would profit from keeping you away from him. He felt devastated and he did not know what to do, he had handled a lot of situations with women before but never in his life had his partner avoided him without having an obvious reason to do so.

 It was late at night when you returned home, a small shock running down your spine as you felt another presence in your flat. You knew that it was him right away. You sighed defeated as you stepped into the living room, Zhongli neatly seated in the arm chair while sipping on a cup of earl grey. “Guess you’ve been expecting me..” You mumbled as you kicked off your shoes, an uneasy feeling tumbling in your stomach.  Zhongli’s eyes focused on yours as you nervously fumbled with your fingers, knowing that he was going to confront you now about the way you behaved the last couple days.

 “Would you mind sharing your knowledge with me as of why you are avoiding me?” He spoke low and calmly before blowing cold air to his tea, taking a sip while his eyes never left yours. You had been trying to avoid this conversation with him rather than you had tried to avoid him in general, yet you knew that you had to talk to him about what was going on. “I’m sorry when I hurt you with ignoring you.” You started to whisper, your gaze falling to the ground. “I did a mistake, a pretty big one and I did not want to bother you with it. I’m stupid and you’re going to hate me for it.”

Zhongli raised an eyebrow at your words, placing the cup of tea down on the wooden table in front of him before standing up. He had to admit that he was severely confused upon hearing your words, not being able to think about anything you could have done wrong.  Nevertheless, a mistake that would make him hate you. The thought of you being unfaithful crossed his mind, yet he knew that you would never do that, he trusted you too much. “Hey..” He whispered softly, firm hands placing on your shoulders as he leaned down to press a loving kiss to your forehead. “I can’t think of any reason that would possibly make me hate you and I’m sure whatever you have done is neither worse than the things I did in the past..” His voice was calm and soothing your nerves, a small relieved sigh slipping past your lips as your arms wrapped loosely around his middle, leaning your forehead against his chest.

“I’m pregnant..” You whispered into the fabric of his coat, your arms around him tightening as the fear of him pushing you away spread in your stomach. You could feel your heart clench as seconds of utter silence passed, almost feeling like an eternity. You had been more than afraid to see his reaction when you told him, after all he had been with several other partners before who did not let a mistake like that happen.

Zhongli was shocked by your words to say the least, never in his life had he expected this to be the reason why you had avoided him for days. He had prepared himself for the worst already but this was far from what he had expected.

 “First off..” He spoke calmly while his arms wrapped around your body to pull you close, one of his hands finding its way to the back of your head to reassuringly caress you hair. “The amount of love I carry in my heart for you makes it impossible for me to hate you. Whereas secondly, there’s always two people involved when it comes to this..” He leaned down to press a small kiss to the side of your head, his strong hand running over your back. He felt your body shivering and trembling in his arms, pulling slightly away from the hug before lifting up your chin between his thumb and index finger to look at you. He saw the sorrows in your eyes along with the fear of rejection, his heart craving for you to understand that he was not mad at all. “I love you, I really do. How could I ever thank you for a surprise as magnificent as this one?”

He smiled softly as he leaned in to catch your lips in a gentle but firm kiss. Even though he had never thought about becoming a father himself, the idea of it sounded more than tempting, especially with you as the mother. He could feel the warmth in his heart again as you relaxed into his touch, a small chuckle leaving your lips as you parted. “I know you’re far from being overly excited but- I love you too and I hope you know that I’m more than happy.” You hummed sweetly, pressing another kiss to his lips.

 Zhongli is going to spend all the free time he has to be by your side, always making sure that you’ve got everything you needed. Whenever he can’t come around or has to stay away from you for a while, he will tell the old people in the village to come and look after you. He does not trust a lot of people when it comes to knowing about your pregnancy, he does not want you or your unborn child to be exposed to unknown danger, trying to keep the possibility of anything happening to you as small as possible.

With time he will slowly get used to the thought of becoming a father, often talking to you about the things he’s going to do when your baby was finally born. He bought a lot of children’s books, telling you that he’s planning to read them a bedtime story every night so they might become as interested in books as he is. He will tell you how he’s going to teach them about the culture in Liyue and how he can’t wait to take them out, to show them the most beautiful places. Whenever he is talking about the future and about your baby, you can see a sparkle of happiness in his eyes and you can hear how proud he is from the way he speaks.

Diluc

 Everyone knew that Diluc was not the most sincere person when it came to talking, especially not when they were involved with the Knights of Favonius. With you it had always been a different thing, you had gotten to know him when you first arrived in Mondstadt, even before you had made up the thought of joining the Knights. It was a quiet evening when you sat at the bar of Mondstadt’s tavern, Diluc casually working while he was, of course, not the best partner for a conversation. He had told you about some of the people in the city and recommended who you could talk to and who you should avoid if possible. You noticed his disliking for the Knights of Favonius right away, yet you did not dare to ask him about it back then. You visited him frequently at the tavern, pretending to be there for personal reasons rather than only to talk to him. Even after you had joined the Knights, Diluc still treated you the same as before. He told you that he did not like your decision but he somehow found a liking to talk to you which was the reason why he would ignore that small fact about you. After meeting up in the tavern for weeks, he had invited you to go on a date with him or asked you whether you wanted to at least meet him somewhere more private.

 You had spent a lot of time with Diluc over the next few months, always making sure that you would stop by at the winery when you were around or him visiting you in town when you returned from a mission. You never needed words to describe your relationship, the both of you just knew that you belonged together. Whenever you were around Diluc was happy, outgoing and almost a man with a soft side. He made sure to never show this side of himself to anyone but you though, always making you laugh when he switched from being soft to being a meanie.

Diluc noticed it quickly when your behavior around him changed. You weren’t as outgoing anymore, often canceling your missions shortly before departing or asking someone else to go for you. It got to the point where even Kaeya asked him what had happened to you that you were often trying to avoid your responsibilities as a Knight. It was slowly getting to Diluc’s nerves, you suddenly changing this much and more than that, you not being around as much as you were before.

He had told his brother that he wanted to talk to you at the winery, for once finding it okay to ask Kaeya for a favor, something he would never usually do. You were surprised as the Cavalry Captain told you about his brothers message for you, a small shock running down your spine. You had tried to avoid to talk to Diluc for a while, yet you knew that he was far from being stupid and that he would see through your act right away.

Diluc was relieved to see you when you arrived at the winery in the evening, a soft smile planted on his lips as he welcomed you at the door before taking you up to his private apartment. You could feel your heart jump with joy upon seeing Diluc’s smile, the last few days had been unbearable as you had tried to stay away from him. Being able to look at him again, to feel his rough hand in yours as he led you through the building, it all made you feel utterly happy.

“I was almost afraid that I did something wrong that you weren’t visiting me anymore.” He spoke lowly before chuckling softly, squeezing your hand in his. “Would you like to drink anything?” He asked you as he let go of your hand, a small smile on your lips as you followed him through the apartment to the kitchen, your arms crossing in front of your chest. “I’ll be fine with grape juice.” You spoke as you leaned in the doorframe, Diluc stopping in his steps upon hearing your words. He looked at you confused and raised an eyebrow, tilting his head lightly to the side. “You sure you want no wine? It’s unsual for you to be satisfied with only juice..” He laughed shortly. Whenever you two met, wine was your usual go to drink but right now you didn’t think of it as properly and appropriate for your situation.

“Well, it’s not allowed to drink any alcohol when you’re pregnant, so I guess.. I have to go with grape juice.” You shrugged your shoulders playfully before taking the glass from his hand, his eyes growing big. He stood there dumbfounded, not knowing whether you were joking or not, stupidly both suited the situation. “Are you joking right now?” He almost whispered, his eyes focusing on yours as a bright smirk formed on your lips. Diluc could feel himself growing mad on the inside because you were playing with him but at the same time he felt a deep hope in his heart that you would tell him that you were not joking.

“I’m not joking, you’re going to be a father..” You mumbled, the smile never vanishing from your lips. You knew everything about Diluc’s complicated past but you also knew that he was going to be an excellent father no matter what. Adding to that he had often fantasized about becoming a father since your relationship had become more serious. He could feel his heart skip a beat as he listened to your words, placing down his glass before cupping your face in his hands, leaning in to quickly press a kiss to your lips. “I love you.” He whispered softly in between multiple small kisses, one of his arms wrapping around your hips to hold you close. “Thank you so much, my love. For everything. For coming into my life and changing everything to the better.”

 Diluc is going to be as caring as he always is when it comes to you. Always making sure that he was around when you woke up and when you fell asleep. During the day he was often occupied with his own work but whenever you felt bad or asked him to stay with you, he did as you wished. He was more than happy about your pregnancy, the proud feeling of soon becoming a father storming through his veins. Whenever someone asked him about your pregnancy there was always warm smile on his lips as he stayed silent about the circumstances. He had no problem with letting anyone know about it as long as it did not put you into danger somehow. 

[mochegato]

Even the Losers

Chapter 5

Chapter 1     Chapter 4

“Not quite the child you expected to be on the front page today, was it?” Lucius commented, falling into step with Bruce as soon as he exited the elevator on their offices’ floor.

Bruce shot him a slight glare.  He heavily suspected the receptionist at the front of letting Lucius know he was on his way up so he could stage this ambush.  “No, no it was not,” he gritted out.  He loved Lucius.  He did.  But he was not looking forward to discussing this with anyone right now.  He needed to talk to Sabine and figure out his next steps.  He didn’t have time for teasing or hurt feelings, unless they were Marinette’s or his other children’s.

“Don’t think she expected it either.  She was quite distraught when the reporters found her this morning,” Lucius noted calmly.

Bruce stopped and glared full force at him. “Why were you with her this morning?”

Lucius raised an unamused eyebrow at him. “Early morning meeting with her and her friend, Max Kante, the one who actually invented the fabric Ms. Cole tried to take credit for.”  He continued walking toward Bruce’s office, not caring whether he caught up or not. If he wanted to be an overbearing ass, they could have a meeting with that tone and Bruce definitely wouldn’t be the one to win.

“Sorry,” Bruce grumbled, catching up to him.

Lucius nodded to let him know he accepted the apology. “She takes after you, you know.  I could see how upset she was with the reporters’ questions but she masked it expertly.  Seemed to completely shut down those emotions.  If I didn’t know you, I might not have known it was all an act.  Shut the reporter down without admitting anything too, or lying.  Quite smart, that daughter of yours.”  Lucius turned toward Bruce as they passed through Bruce’s office doors.  “Must get that from her mother,” he teased.

Bruce let out a long breath.  “Without a doubt.  How was she at the meeting?”

Lucius raised both eyebrows at that question, otherwise not reacting at all.  “You haven’t spoken with her yet?”

Bruce focused on his desk as he sat behind it. “I haven’t had the opportunity yet,” he hedged.

Lucius narrowed his eyes slightly but answered the question.  “She was brilliant.  She is brilliant.  She was calm and collected.  Engaging and polite.  Very insightful.  You would never know she had been accosted and almost assaulted a few moments before. Completely professional.”

“What do you mean ‘almost assaulted’?” Bruce growled.

“Particularly aggressive reporter.  I gave PR and security his name and picture.  We’ll have a restraining order put out and he won’t be allowed at any Wayne events,” he answered calmly.

Bruce squeezed the arm rest on his chair until it fell off in his hand.  He let out an annoyed growl and threw it in the garbage.  He pushed the intercom on his desk phone, more aggressively than necessary.  “I’m going to need a new chair, David.”  

He slammed the button again before he had the chance to respond and let out a long deep breath to calm himself.  “It’s already started.  It hasn’t even been a day.”  He shook his head and looked up at Lucius.  “Can you see about getting a restraining order for her personally as well, please?  And how was the meeting?” Bruce asked.

“It was successful.  Mr. Kante seems extremely excited about our contract.  He’s looking over it today, but I expect he’ll begin working for us as of next week.  I’m still working on your daughter though,” he mused.

Bruce choked and looked back at him.  “Excuse me!”

“To work for us,” Lucius tried to disguise the amused glint in his eyes, but not too hard.  It was interesting seeing Bruce acting so disconcerted, and not pretending for an audience, actually feeling it.  “She helped Mr. Kante develop the fabric and understands how best to show it off.  She would be invaluable to have on the project.  Hell, she’d be invaluable to have in the company.”

Bruce furrowed his brow in confusion.  “I thought Mr. Kante developed the fabric.”

“He did.  He definitely figured out how to make it work, but she was a significant help.  Her insights and advice were key.  She tried to deny it but he kept insisting.  Without both of them, there wouldn’t be any fabric. Not to mention she’s the one that discovered Rabler and Cole were stealing ideas.  She created the trap and presented the evidence.”  Lucius couldn’t keep the proud tone out of his voice.  

Bruce’s lips turned up in a wide, proud smile.  “Yeah?”  Lucius nodded with a proud smile of his own, albeit smaller than Bruce’s.  Bruce just stopped himself from saying ‘that’s my girl’ because he wasn’t sure he got to make a statement like that.  Not when he hadn’t been involved in bringing her up in any way.  But it didn’t stop his chest from puffing up with pride at the knowledge.  

She was smart.  She was caring.  She was creative.  She was insightful and brilliant.  She was healthy and unscarred.  She was everything he hoped she would get to be growing up away from him.  He must have done something right.  But the idea of having her work next to him like Tim did, getting to see her every day… He smiled at the thought.  “How successful do you think you were getting her to agree?”

Lucius hesitated.  “Not very,” he admitted slowly.  “I don't know the nature of your relationship…” He watched Bruce carefully as he spoke.  “… but she seemed to respond positively when I stressed that I wanted her because of her skill, not because of any association with you.”

Bruce looked down and nodded.  “There is no relationship. She didn't know.”

“So her being your daughter isn't the reason if you manipulated Candice into looking into her and offer her to the rest of us as a possible designer for the product like it was her own idea?” Lucius raised a disbelieving eyebrow.

“I knew.  She didn't,” Bruce admitted.

Lucius nodded in understanding.  “Until when?”

“This morning, I imagine,” Bruce sighed.

Lucius raised an eyebrow at him, vividly recalling her behavior at the gala.  The way she’d balked at meeting him in his office at WE.  The way she’d frozen immediately upon seeing Bruce, all her fire and confidence falling instantaneously.  The way she’d been almost begging for a way out from having to spend time with Bruce.  “You think she didn’t know before the gala?”

Bruce scrunched his face in indignation. “No.  Sabine would have told me if she’d told her.”

Lucius shook his head incredulously. “Alright.”  If Bruce wanted to believe that, he wasn’t going to correct him. “So you were going to stay out of it and manipulate everything from behind the scenes?  Only exposing your relationship when you felt comfortable with it?”  Bruce looked down and nodded.

Lucius narrowed his eyes at him, his gaze suddenly sharp.  He tossed the file in his hand onto Bruce’s desk.  “I didn’t take you for a coward, Mr. Wayne.”

Bruce sighed as he watched him walk out of the room. His gaze fell on the file Lucius had left behind on his desk, the file on DCD with Marinette’s picture on the front. He pulled the picture off of the file to look closer.  He smiled as his mind flashed back to innocent baby eyes blinking back at him. Her eyes hadn’t changed in twenty years. Still the same bright, brilliant, hopeful eyes.  His mother’s eyes.  He could see it almost as soon as she was born.  He could never allow those eyes to be hurt, could never bear to see them in pain, which is all his life seemed to be.

“Then you don’t really know me,” he mumbled as he put the picture back and turned away, his eyes landing on the phone.  He took a deep breath and got ready for the conversation he had to have next.  He picked up the phone and dialed the number he knew by heart.  He squeezed his eyes shut in frustration realizing he had memorized it not because he’d actually dialed it enough to have the muscle memory, but because he’d intentionally committed it to memory.

“That took longer than expected,” Sabine answered on the second ring, annoyance clear in her voice.

Bruce let out a deep sigh.  He wasn’t expecting this call to go well, but he needed her help. “I was handling the rest of my family. They didn’t take to the news that they had a sister I never told them about too well.”

“Shocking,” Sabine deadpanned.  “And how did Marinette take it?”

Bruce hesitated unsure of how to answer that. “You haven’t spoken with her yet.” The disappointment in her voice was almost palpable.  Bruce could almost feel it slapping him across the face and pulling him down to her level.

“I don’t want to mess this up,” he admitted more honestly than he had intended.  “More than I have already.  I don’t want to drive her away by saying the wrong thing,” he chuckled mirthlessly at himself again, “and we both know that’s absolutely something I would do.  I need to know the best way to approach her.  What do I need to do?”

Sabine sighed and Bruce could hear her shuffling around until letting out a lighter sigh like she was sitting down.  “Well, everything’s going to be pretty raw for her. That’s the first thing.  She hasn’t had time to process this.  She needs to process in order to know how she wants to respond.  If you approach her before she’d had time to process, she’s going to freak out on you or just shut down completely, cold, detached.  Did I mention she sometimes takes after you, especially since Hawkmoth?

“But, she tends towards anxiety and overreaction spirals that she has to be brought out of.  Her friends are there, so see if she wants them with her whenever you meet. They’ll know how to bring her out of it and calm her down.  She might need a few more days before she can meet in person, but don’t wait until then to contact her.”

Bruce nodded, fighting the urge to take notes. That would be inappropriate right? To write down psychological insights into his own daughter?  “Yeah, a few hours isn’t all that much time to process,” he agreed absentmindedly, still trying to figure out how many notes would be acceptable.  He almost jumped in his seat when Sabine started cackling.  He did accidentally ram his arm hard enough to bruise on the point sticking up from the remnants of the broken armrest.

He sputtered until she took pity on him. “You think she’s only known for an hour?”

Bruce paused and stared at the phone, trying to process her words.  “You told her?” he was too shocked to be upset yet.

“No,” she answered quickly.  “I don’t know how she found out but she knew before today.”

“You think she knew when she planned to come here,” he said incredulously.

“No, definitely not when she first planned it,” she corrected him.

“How can you be so certain?”

Sabine chuckled ruefully.  “She's not like us Bruce.  She can't lie to save her life.  She's terrible at it.  She wears her heart on her sleeve.  If she knew she was going to see her biological father for the first time, without him expecting it, she would’ve been anxious, fidgety when she told me the plan to go to Gotham.  She wasn't.  This was all about Max.  

“I have no idea what point between last Monday and today she figured it out.  But, I can say that she's not answering my calls now.  I expected her to call and laugh about it or get anxiety about it because she felt bad for causing you trouble.  She didn’t.  She asked Adrien to let us know she needs space.  So she knew.”

Bruce let out a frustrated groan.  “She's upset.”

Sabine took a beat before responding.  “I'm not sure since I haven’t gotten to speak to her about it.  But, knowing her I’d bet on confused rather than upset.  Hurt.  Betrayed. Can you blame her?”  There was an extended pause while they both tried to process what they knew and how to respond.

After a minute of silence, Sabine spoke up a wry tone to her voice.  “You know, she’s always been an extremely cheery child.   Wouldn't know she was related to you at all when she was younger,” she laughed lightly, “well, people who bought into your socialite persona might, but nobody that knows you, really knows you and your brooding nature.  She always tries to see the best in everyone and bring it out.  

“She used to come into the bakery when we had customers and no matter what mood they were in, they would leave smiling.  Even the ones in the worst mood would be laughing by the time they left.  She just had that effect on people.

“But the one thing she could never stand, that drove her crazy, was a liar.  She can’t stand lying and liars.”  Her voice suddenly turned sharp and serious.  “And she just found out, and not from us,” she emphasized, “that we lied to her about this her whole life and that you never wanted her around but did want other kids around.”

“That is absolutely not the case and you know it,” Bruce roared instantly.

Sabine made a few placating noises.  “You know that.  And I know that… on some level.  But she doesn't.”  She stressed.  “I have no idea how you’re going to prove it to her now.  Because all she sees is that you walked away when she was one and never turned back.  Not until the media got involved and forced you to.  And she doesn’t even know that much actually.  Really all she knows is you walked away.  That's what you're going to be up against; her thinking that she is a burden, a prop for you, that all your interest is feigned.”

“Inadequacy issues,” Bruce nodded.  Memories of Damian’s first years in the manor flashed through his mind.  He shuddered at the memory of Damian trying to kill Dick his first night and trying to kill Tim the first time he saw him, believing he was interfering with his birthright.  “But not violent, right?” he asked cautiously.  Because if she was anything like Damian, they were going to have to take some precautions, not that Sabine had given him any reason to suspect that. But then again, it would mean she wanted to be part of their family, so that was at least a starting point.

Sabine laughed.  “Marinette violent?  She’ll rip you to shreds if you touch one of her friends, but verbally.  She couldn’t fight her way out of a paper bag.”

Her reassurance made Bruce frown more.  That was good… kind of.  He didn’t have to worry about her attacking the other kids, not that he was worried about that, really.  Nothing he had ever heard about her or seen so far would indicate that was something he needed to be concerned about.  But that also mean she had no way of protecting herself if she ever got kidnapped or caught in a rogue attack.  

Maybe that was something Damian could help her with. He was an excellent fighter and it was something he greatly enjoyed.  He felt at ease when he was practicing or sparring.  Maybe that was a way they could bond, Damian sharing something important to him.  Bruce immediately grimaced at the idea.  There was no way Damian teaching someone with no fighting experience how to fight ended well for either of them.  It was more likely to result in a frustrated Damian and a bloodied, bruised, and scared Marinette.

Dick!  Dick could teach her, or Tim.  Both also excellent fighters and both much more likely to go slowly, easing her into something her body had never been used to.  Bruce nodded to himself.  Dick would jump at the chance to work with her.  And Tim, although less enthusiastic, would be more than willing to help make sure she could protect herself.

Bruce took a breath and focused back on the conversation at hand.  “So… go slowly.  Ask if she would be okay with meeting first.  Give her time to adjust before the meeting.  Try to figure out how to reassure her my interest in a relationship with her has nothing to do with the media.”  He nodded with a grimace.  “That shouldn’t be too hard.”

He could hear Sabine’s reassuring smile through the phone.  “As long as she’s had time to process, it should be okay.  She’s helped friends go through the same thing.  It shouldn’t be too hard once you get past the initial part.”

“Right.  I can do this.” Bruce said, more to himself than Sabine.

“And Bruce?”  Bruce was immediately tense from the edge in her seemingly sweet voice. “Protect our girl.  This is a lot for her all at once.”

Bruce breathed out a relieved sigh.  “I will.”

“Because if you don’t, not even Batman will be able to protect you.”

Bruce blinked a few times and opened his mouth only to snap it shut quickly, unsure if he even wanted to figure out if that was a veiled reference or not.  After a few seconds he nodded resolutely, deciding it didn’t matter.  “I understand.”

“Good day, Bruce,” Sabine said sweetly.

“Good night, Sabine,” Bruce answered with a smile, wondering just how much of her mother Marinette had replicated.

Chapter 6

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