#I think about it a lot... Something something the opposite of love isn't hatred but indifference

[kyouka-supremacy]

That fic from Akutagawa's pov that remarked how although Dazai had left a bomb under Chuuya's car, at least that showed he had thought about him before going, while he never cared enough to spare a thought for Akutagawa.

[luveline]

hiii, can you do something for aaron comforting pregnant!reader? just lots of comfort and softness (ily<3)

You thought you liked being pregnant. Aaron says you're as beautiful as you've ever been, and there's something comforting about the bump forming. The knowledge that you have a new love so close, maybe. 

But there's something off about it too. Your body isn't solely yours, or that's the way it feels, and though you'd never wish for the baby to be away from you before it's time, you'd like a break. He's a heavy weight to carry, your little Hotchner. He makes your back hurt, your legs ache. Your hands shake before breakfast every day and the morning sickness gets old.

The hormones are intense, too. All in all, you're overwhelmed. It affects everything you do. 

A dropped cup becomes something else. 

“You okay?” Aaron asks. 

You've broken a glass before, you've done it twice in his kitchen alone, but this time it's the last straw. You bend down to clean it up, realise you can't really bend, and then that you can't do it without gloves anyhow. “What am I doing?” you say, your voice dripping with disdain. 

“What are you doing?” Aaron asks, quieter now. “I'll do it. Sit down.” 

He doesn't speak without love. In fact, you'd say that the very infrastructure of his voice is imbued with affection, like every sentence could end in a pet name. 

“I can do it.” You shake your head. “I can't do anything. I'm useless, I'm–” worthless, you want to say. Completely worthless, nothing to give, hardly functioning, and now you can barely clean up after yourself. 

You squeeze your hands together and take a few steps back. Aaron meets your eyes unflinching, impossible to look away from as he follows you, closing the gap. 

“You're not useless. You're less agile than usual for good reason.” 

“I'm useless,” you repeat, self-hatred (not hatred, something different, more pitying, more shameful) thick on the tongue. 

“Honey. You're not useless.” 

“I am.” The first tear wells and races down your cheek within the same second. Your lip begins trembling. “I can't do anything anymore.” 

“You think so?” he asks gently. 

“I can't do it,” you say. 

Your voice breaks. Aaron doesn't need much more instruction, gathering you into his arms for a hug, the bump of your stomach no match for his height. “It's okay,” he says, again so gently, “it's okay.”  

“It's not.” You cry and it aches. You cry like a little kid, wildly out of control of your life. 

“It is, honey, it is. I know… it's not only a glass. You've been rearing up to this for a while.” 

You cry harder, wrists crossed around his back and your face rammed hard into his neck. It must hurt. You're trying to hide from the ache of your panic but there isn't anywhere to go —you're pregnant and you want to be, but you're trapped, too. 

“Aw, I don't know what's wrong with me,” you choke out, spluttering into his collar. 

He doesn't complain. “Nothing–” 

“I know it's not easy–” 

“–is wrong with you. Exactly. It's not easy.” He's calm in the face of your bleeding heart. “Honey, this is one of the hardest things a person can do, and that alone means you're the opposite of useless right now. You're making a big change, a sacrifice, to bring someone new into the world.” 

He pulls your face back from his neck with a kind hand. “Your baby doesn't think you're useless. I can tell you that for sure.” 

“I wish I could take a break,” you admit, shamefaced.”I'm such a bad mom already.” 

He doesn't agree. It's in the line of his mouth, the stillness of his gaze. Aaron takes your hand from his back and pulls it slowly to your stomach, flattening your fingers over the very apex of its hill, his own warm and large covering it surely. “You're not a bad mom, not even close. I don't think so, the baby doesn't think so.” He smiles. “Jack certainly doesn't think so.” 

You take a deep breath. “Really?” 

“Jack couldn't have asked for a better step mom, honey. Wanting a break from the side effects doesn't mean you don't love him, does it?” 

Him as in the baby, the heartbeat, the little head and arms and legs, the tiny brain. Wanting a break from your pregnancy and its constant barrage of symptoms doesn't make you a bad mom. 

“You aren't useless,” Aaron says, rubbing the back of your hand with his thumb. “You're my partner, and you're his mother, and if you can't do some of the things you'd usually do right now, that's okay, because I'm here to do them for you.” 

That makes you cry more. Aaron drops his face to yours and presses your noses together, shushing your sobs. You, much less composed, grasp at the swell of your stomach. “Sorry,” you say in a weak whisper, hot all over and not sure how to cope. “I'm sorry, baby.” 

“You don't need to say sorry to him. He's the one at fault, anyway.” 

A laugh slips past your lips before you can think about it. “Don't say that.” 

“No?” Aaron pulls away, taking the fat of your arm into his hand. “I suppose it could be my fault. But it was your idea.” 

“No it wasn't.” 

“No, it wasn't,” he says, his fingers sliding a slow path down to your elbow, “but you do want this, don't you?”

“Of course I do.” 

Your quick answer makes him smile. He wipes your wet cheeks dry with an infinite carefulness, thumb trailing down the apple of your cheek to catch a last little tear. “Let me sit you down, sweetheart. I bet you feel even more tired than you did to begin with.” 

Pregnancy isn't always (or really often) fun, nor is crying your eyes out into the unfailing arms of your husband (though that had it's redeeming factors, mainly the smell of him, and the way he held you like he knew exactly how to make it all better), but you feel better for it, rather than worse as he's suggesting. Still, you soak up Aaron's quiet doting, a hand pressed to your baby bump as he kisses the side of your head. 

[seriousbrat]

this says a lot about Snape's character development for me. There are many parallels drawn throughout the series between Harry and Snape; obviously, they're very different characters but there are similarities too.

I think here Snape is talking about himself. The teenaged Snape we see in the Pensieve is very much like this- emotional, heart on his sleeve, easily provoked, a definite wallower in sad memories... weak. Adult Snape, though he retains some of these characteristics that do emerge in stressful moments (in PoA we see how angrily he reacts to Sirius's escape, for instance) on the whole is a great deal more thoughtful, reserved, calculating, measured.

I think that Snape at some point had to force himself to become this. I think he actually relates to Harry here, and is giving him advice based on personal experience. In my fic he begins to learn to control his emotions partially out of a desire to protect Lily; he's fully aware that she's his weakness (or really, his strength, viewed a different way) and that openly displaying any sort of emotion towards her at all makes her vulnerable to the likes of Avery and Mulciber, who will have the perfect weapon to get to him if they want to.

Severus doesn't have the advantages of his peers, he's not pureblood, he wasn't born into money. If he wants to join the Death Eaters and rise in their ranks, he needs to be subtle, cunning, careful. he can't afford to be careless and entitled like mulciber or bellatrix or even sirius. what he's got to offer isn't his name or his money, it's his sheer talent and cleverness. moving on:

When Voldemort decides to go after Lily this becomes even more important. Imo the reason why Voldemort believes that Snape only "desired" Lily is because that's what Snape told him. He lied to Voldemort's face and told him something probably disgusting tbh because that's the only way Voldemort would accept it and agree, if it was a selfish, callous request that Voldemort could understand. We can see evidence of this here:

Asking Voldemort to spare a mudblood because he was in love with her would likely not have gone over well- and as we know, Voldemort actually bore his request in mind, though obv didn't give enough of a fuck about Snape to follow through. Because although asking voldemort to spare her must have taken serious balls, Snape's mistake here was trusting someone inherently selfish to do something selfless for him.

Clearly he immediately realises this and goes to Dumbledore, which is when controlling his emotions becomes of paramount importance, because now he's working against perhaps the most highly accomplished legilimens of all time.

It's also interesting to me that Snape in this conversation is probably the character who is most forthright and informative with Harry in the whole of OotP until Dumbledore at the end; Harry actually learns a lot in this conversation. And Snape also kind of gives him credit which is interesting too:

like for Snape that's high praise lmao. A shame because if he wasn't so bitter (i.e. didn't wear his heart on his sleeve so much around harry) then he might have actually been pretty helpful to Harry and a decent teacher. Again, during the Occlumency lessons his unrestrained emotion brought up by memories of James is a hindrance. He defies Dumbledore's orders to teach Harry Occlumency because of his emotional response to SWM, as well as honestly doing kind of a shit job before that (by not being empathetic and teaching Harry in a way that would've been actually productive.)

At this point Dumbledore believes that Harry learning Occlumency and controlling his emotions is of vital importance; he turns out to be wrong about this. In Harry's case, it turns out to be his emotional nature that saves him- unlike Snape, who is the opposite. Snape's journey is about learning that some things are more important than his selfish need to give into his own emotions.

By DH Snape's learned this lesson fully; his old hatred for James doesn't stop him from doing what has to be done, from giving Harry the tools he needs. Even in the final moments of his life, he can look past James and see Lily in Harry- and, by giving Harry the information that leads to his self-sacrifice, he can let her go.

[heinzpilsner]

Hmm, while there is a grain of truth in the popular zutarian take on "Southern Raiders" ("Aang is preachy and Zuko cares for Katara's feelings"), reading this episode as an evidence that Zuko is a right partner for Katara still doesn't sit quite well with me (and I'm a zutara trash, mind you!)

The problem with this ep in general is what it mixes too many complex topics together, and it becomes difficult to entangle the mess.

Basically, Aang was wrong talking in terms of "revenge" and "forgiveness" and "Jet" and "Appa" instead of "Katara's mental health", but he was right in his general concern. Hatred is not some precious right a person needs to hold on. It's a destructive feeling which is better to manage adequately for the sake of a person's own well-being.

But wait, someone may ask, isn't that exactly what Zuko was offering? To help Katara manage her hatred?

Well, yes and no. Yes, he was trying. No, this wasn't a good way to achieve it.

What many people don't seem to understand is that you don't need to confront the actual physical person you hate to deal with your hatred. Quite the opposite, actually. It's the person's imprint within your psyche what keeps destroying you from inside, and facing the person himself doesn't dissipate this imprint magically. It will only make things worse (*the only exception is when the both sides are genuinely interested in fixing things between them). You need to work with the imprint, and it's much easier to achieve when an object of your hatred is physically distant. No matter what kind of person you are, or what your moral/religious beliefs are, this is universal.

(It's a complex psychological topic I'm not really an expert on, so I'm not gonna go into much detail here. I'll just say what therapists have their ways to work with it).

I suspect Aang intuitively realized the problem, but with him being a 12-year-old monk and not having the needed skills or categorical apparatus, "forgiveness" was the best approximation to a right solution he could think of (I have no way of proving it though, so take it with a grain of salt as well as this whole post in general, lol).

While some idealization (and a lot of preaching) on Aang's part may have taken place, he saw "Katara's inner darkness" for what it was - a self-destructive tendency. She may think confronting Yon Rha is what she needs (although before Zuko introduced the idea, she didn't even think of the possibility), but it wouldn't be good for her. Sometimes, your loved ones are not right. Sometimes, they're about to hurt themselves. And it's not disrespectful to try and dissuade them from this (You'd think post-redemption Zuko of all people would agree with the sentiment).

Now, Zuko. While it's not his fault by any means I'm looking at you royal family, the way he dealt with the problem wasn't exactly the healthiest (or most selfless, as some people insist). He meant well, but offered a wrong method, and held on this specific method because it was something he personally could help Katara with. "It's the same as doing nothing!" - these are the words that kinda gave him away. I suspect it's not Katara's revenge or justice he was so passionate about, but his own chance of action. He was desperate for it. He didn't even stop to listen to her brother's and best friend's perspective, because it was interfering with his opportunity to be helpful, to be on the same side as Katara. In general, when your partner is too eager to side with you against your loving family, it's not a good sign, even when the family isn't perfect. (Well, okay, Aang's spectacularly poor choice of words had something to do with it as well. And where were you, Sokka-with-the-beard, when you were most needed?)

No one really offered a better practical solution to Katara's problem than Zuko though, that's the sad truth. And to be fair, after Katara had agreed to his plan enthusiastically, where was no better option for him than to go with it, I guess.

But... The bar was so low that offering nothing in the first place would be a better solution than this, honestly. Because no matter what the actual script of the episode says, I don't think this "life-changing field trip" would realistically do much good for Katara and result in her forgiveness. I think it would only hurt her more and would add to her list of irrational reasons to hate Zuko.

It may hurt, but as Katara herself made clear, there was nothing Zuko really could do at this point to help her or earn her forgiveness. It was something out of his control. He had to accept this and keep trying to do the right thing, simple as that.

I'm still a zutara trash, but not thanks to their interaction in this episode, I have to conclude.

(I guess what I'm really saying is that all those kids just need their therapy, lol)

Still typing on my phone and ignoring tumblr notifications. I wonder If anyone reads this at all lol

[oodlyenough]

I've been thinking a lot about how fandom attitudes towards female characters shift, and how a lot of the outright hatred that was once prevalent now is replaced by "girlboss" "mom friend" "only braincell" type discourse... and also about the Hawthorne twins and what I see of them in fandom vs canon.

It's interesting to me that I see a lot of what feels like a fandom desire to rehabilitate Dahlia as a character from a feminist perspective, sometimes taken as a given that her canon material was bad, when ...tbqh I don't really feel that she needs it. If I think of characters wronged by their canon text, Dahlia wouldn't make the list. Even a surface-level reading of Dahlia is, imo, a compelling character, with clear motivations, consistent behaviour, agency. She's funny and memorable. You can dig deeper into speculation and headcanon territory with Dahlia (and I totally get the impulse, she's great and there's lots of potential there) but I don't think you need to do that to make her a solid character, I think she already is. I don't think she's any less complex than the other trilogy villains, and if anything she's a lot more complex already than someone like Engarde, and on par with Von Karma.

On the other hand, I think Iris got some paper-thin writing as "the good twin" and, let's be honest, a feeble attempt to set up a heterosexual romance for Phoenix which gets dropped in subsequent games anyway. There are interesting possible complexities to tease out of Iris, just as with Dahlia; Iris facilitates or participates in some pretty messed-up things, but Phoenix and the story are very forgiving, which just flattens her out further into Good Twin. I don't think the canon is very interested in Iris outside of her role as plot twist doppelganger and occasional blush sprite... and mostly it seems the fanon Iris gets in response is to quadruple down on those things. She's pure and kind and sweet, besties with Phoenix, their relationship is cast as something wholesome and innocent, despite the uh objective reality of it.

What about the Iris who helps her sister plan harebrained criminal schemes only to back out at last second, the Iris who fell in love with Feenie despite herself and yet continued to lie and place him in danger for eight months, who watched Dahlia get a death sentence without ever coming clean ... Those things are the aspects that would make her a multidimensional character, imo, but they're ignored and/or glossed over in the story and (what I've seen of) fandom. And I don't say this to mean that she's evil or irredeemable or something, she isn't -- just that the basic fact of her actions is a lot messier than is usually acknowledged, by canon or fanon. For the canon I think the reasons are obvious and not flattering; for fandom, I think the intentions are generally positive, trying to correct for the opposite end of the spectrum (and 20 years ago the attitude was probably quite different), but I still wish female characters were given more space to be complicated in ways that include being kind of fucked up actually.

[heretherebedork]

Alright, let's talk internalized homophobia.

Kawi is the poster child for internalized homophobia and how it can cause you to both avoid your own feelings and to attach yourself more strongly to any ideas that can keep you away from what you might actually desire in an effort to keep yourself safe.

This is a immature man who has never gotten past the kneejerk reaction he has to people assuming he's attracting to men. These are two strangers who think he's dating Max... who he's had a serious falling out with and who is, currently, barely willing to speak to him at all and obviously not in contact with him in the future at all.

Kawi is constantly thinking about how people see, how people view him, what will make people like him and what will lead to him being liked by people. And being gay? That won't do. Neither will being poor but he can't really do anything about that, not directly.

Kawi truly doesn't believe that who he is is something people can like. And it goes past being a messy eater, being a bit of a glutton and into just the very concept of who he is. Of him being poor, of having to work through university, of being awkward, of being bi/gay. None of that is acceptable because none of Kawi is acceptable except for the parts he molds to what he believes people expect from him.

This truly comes back to self-acceptance again and again. Kawi is so certain that if just changes himself enough other people will like him and so he rejects every aspect of himself that doesn't fit into that image. He doesn't eat with Pear, he doesn't talk to Max, he couldn't give or explain a broken gift, he can't admit he doesn't have money because none of those are part of how he thinks he has to be, who he thinks he should be but isn't.

It doesn't help, at all, that Piseang is drunk and upset when he grabs him in the future, a decade or more of pining behind him and facing marrying a woman he doesn't love coming out in a way that only pushes Kawi farther away from anything he might desire. (Not that he does at this point, I will absolutely argue that Kawi does not want anything from Piseang at this point in the narrative and will have to learn about his own feelings over the course of the story. Right now he genuinely and wholeheartedly loves Pear.)

That is disgust and discomfort and it is focused on the kiss.

I do think that a lot of Kawi's issues with internalized homophobia stem from whatever happened with Max but also from his own visceral discomfort with himself. Kawi is filled to the brim with self-hatred and the only real break he's ever had from it has been with Pear. Pear, who took care of him with him having to ask. Pear, who smiles at him. Pear, who represents someone from a 'better' kind of society accepting him. Pear represents who Kawi thinks he is supposed love but also who he thinks he's supposed to be. He is supposed to be a straight, rich man who isn't awkward, who takes care of someone else easily, who can be there for her and marry her, who can make his father proud by being exactly who society says he is supposed to be.

But he also experiences disgust at the thought of Piseang kissing him because he is still caught on the idea that he should marry Pear (he, in this case, meaning frankly either one of them) and that it isn't right not to want to marry Pear. I am unwilling to wipe his disgust under the rug because this moment is important. This is not Kawi's reluctance alone. This is someone who has accepted society's idea that being kissed by the same gender is inherently worse than being kissed by someone of the opposite gender. Which feeds, again, into how Kawi is focused on how society views him and believes everything society says about gay people, poor people, shy people, awkward people, sober people, lonely people, so on and so forth.

Kawi is being faced with a choice right now but it isn't what he thinks it is.

He is facing a choice between himself and the world. Between who he truly is and who he wants to be to fit into society.

And to even begin to face that choice, he is going to have to face his own homophobia and his own views of the world. He is going to have to face Max and Knot and Piseang and Pear. He is going to have to look at everything he has experienced and lived and realized that he has been trying to change a fundamental part of himself, many fundamental parts of himself, for his entire life.

Kawi needs to look past what society says about people, about him, and find out for himself what he thinks.

(I am absolutely terrified of how the show might handle this. There are so many layers and so many complications inherently built into the narrative we're seeing and this is based on Jittirain who does not handle nuance well. At all. And who definitely does not handle low self-esteem well. And characters in Jittirain stories tend to bow to whatever she wants the plot to be so... fear. Intrigue... but fear.)

[pythagoras180]

Why I Hate Adrien

So a few people have asked me why I hate Adrien so much. I've given it some thought, and I've realized that my hatred comes from 3 sources:

1. Adrien is a passive, useless character and a waste of screentime.

Adrien is a very passive character. He doesn't really have goals that he works towards outside of romance. He doesn't feel like a real person with a real life. He's just an object for the actual main characters to fight over. And to be clear, not every character needs to be active or well developed, but thei screentime should correspond to this. Adrien takes up a massive amount of screentime in the show. And since he ended up being worthless, I feel like he personally wasted my time by appearing so much. His screentime could have instead been used to develop the other characters.

2. Adrien is a creator's pet.

While Adrien doesn't really do anything in the show, I think I still may have felt bad for the character if I felt like this was because the writers didn't like him or something. Thing is, Adrien is the complete opposite, as the writers are clearly biases *for* him at every turn. He's almost always portrayed as right, even in situations where he clearly isn't. "Chameleon" clearly portrayed his "advice" about Lila as good, even though anyone with basic respect for their peers wouldn't be okay with letting them be lied to. There's episodes like "Kuro Neko", where Adrien is very clearly in the wrong amd being unreasonable, yet he's still clearly framed like we're supposed to feel bad for him. Part of the reason he has so much screentime is because the writers love to insert him in every situation they can. Even his status as a passive character can be considered as the writers favoring him. They think he shouldn't have to do anything because he's such a precious boy, so everyone should just do everything for him. I'm not inclined to like a character that I feel is getting special treatment just because of who they are.

3. Adrien does horrible things.

Those last 2 points definitely provide potential for me to dislike a character, but I don't think it's possible for me to actually do so if that character hasn't done anything wrong. Well, despite what the writers want you to believe, Adrien has absolutely done a lot of horrendous things. There's the fact that he continued being friends with Chloé despite her remorseless bullying of Adrien's "friends". He keeps trying to date Ladybug despite her repeatedly rejecting him, to the point where it's straight up harassment. This culminates in "Kuro Neko", where he quits his job of protecting the city because he keeps getting rejected (again, this is portrayed as symptomatic). Like I mentioned before, he tells Marinette to let Lila continue lying to everyone else. And why does he do this? I honestly don't know, and neither does anybody else. There's no rationalization for this moment. But the point is, Adrien put Lila above everyone else for some reason. He also emotionally cheated on Kagami, hurt her feelings, and barely cared afterward. He didn't have to do anything to make up with her, that just worked out on its own. He tried to Cataclysm multiple people despite knowing that it can be fatal, and the only time he displays real remorse over it is when Monarch is on the receiving end. Oh, but he only feels bad for like a minute, then he's fine (I believe that that was just to make Ladybug's exposition about not being able to fix it fee more natural, he wouldn't have shown any remorse if that wasn't necessary). Oh, and then there's that one moment in "Passion" where he pretends not to know what the consequences of making a wish is and tried to convince Ladybug to let him make one. If she said yes, he would have sacrificed somebody else to heal Nathalie. The show has made it clear that this is morally wrong. To me, this is the moment where Adrien became irredeemable. Also, in the Paris Special we find out that Adrien became a mass murdering supervillain in an alternate universe because he's sad that his mom died. He didn't have any grander plan, not scheme to bring her back like Gabriel did. Nope, he just killed people because he was sad, that's how they presented it. I know that this is technically a different person, but the alternate characters from tbe special are meant to be pretty close to the originals, just with different circumstances. So I think this shows who Adrien really is deep down. So yeah, I think Adrien is one of the most despicable "good guy" characters ever.

So that's the reason I hate Adrien, in 3 parts. I wouldn't hate him nearly as much if it wasn't for all 3 components. Kind of a perfect storm really, and I don't think I'll ever hate another character this much, for this reason.

[itsjaywalkers]

Drabble ask game!

Jegulus

65? Angst 😋

sure nonnie!! i'm always down for some angst <3

hmm let's see let's see

65. "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."

"Oh, don't even. I know what you're fucking doing right now and it's not gonna work."

Regulus raises both eyebrows in mock surprise, letting his lips curl into a derisive smile. He looks James up and down, eyes narrowed, and relishes in the pleasing tingle he gets under his skin at the way the other man clenches his jaw.

It didn't use to be like this. It used to be desperate hands and hungry mouths, dark eyes and panting breaths. It used to be lingering kisses pressed into his forehead, interlaced fingers, and whispered conversations in the dead of the night.

Now it's anger. Resentment. Lies and neverending arguments. Waking up in opposite sides of the bed and avoidant gazes.

James still fucks him, and it's as passionate, as needy. Maybe even more so. But now it's filled with fury, too. With something too close to hatred. Like James wants him, wants him still, wants him forever, but despises the fact that he does, that he always will.

Regulus isn't sure of what happened to them.

Well. He supposes that he did.

"And what am I doing, James?" he questions coldly, ugly grin still in place. "Since you know me so well."

"I do. I do, but in moments like this, I wish I fucking didn't," the other man retorts, chuckling without any amusement. "You're trying to push my buttons, get me angry and get me mean, so you can go and play the victim afterwards."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really. You've never learnt how to be anything else. You avoid confrontation like your life fucking depends on it, and when that doesn't work, you lash out until you make me snap. That way, you only have to lie down and take it."

Regulus grits his teeth, hands curling into fists at his sides. "You speak as if I actually have to make the effort. I don't get you mean, James, you are mean. You've always been. Cruelty comes so easy to you it actually scares me sometimes."

James takes a step forward, face contorted into so much rage Regulus can barely recognise him. He knows he'd never, but sometimes Regulus wishes he'd raise his hand. Walk over that damn line.

He thinks it'd make things easier. Or, if nothing else, at least a lot less painful.

"I think you're mistaking me with you."

Regulus laughs at that. Actually laughs. It sounds wrong, and weak, and like a ticking bomb about to explode.

"We both know that's not true," he sighs once he manages to calm down a little. "I bet you wish it were, though."

"I'm not the bad guy here, Reg," James hisses, towering threateningly over him. "It's you. It's always you. You're the one who keeps ruining this, ruining us."

I know, I know. I'm sorry. I've no idea what to do with good things. I ruin everything I touch. This is the only way I can love.

And yet, you won't leave me.

Please, never leave me.

"Of course, I'm the problem. How could it ever be you? Perfect James Potter. Has never done anything wrong in his goddamn life." Regulus snorts, full of scorn, and shakes his head. "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."

James bares his teeth. "And how do you see me, huh?"

Loving. Kind. Caring. Too fucking good for your own good.

Ruined.

"Selfish. Violent. Arrogant and cruel," he says instead, offering the other side of the coin. True, regardless, but not what Regulus really means to tell him now. It's too late to stop, though. "A poor excuse of a man who'd do anything to feel loved because he's a fucking nobody when he isn't being adored."

Regulus thinks this will be it. Hopes it will be it.

But then James is smiling down at him, nasty and downright mean, and it begins again, without having properly ended in the first place.

And that's the issue, isn't it?

There isn't an end to them. Regulus isn't sure if he feels more relieved or horrified at the notion at this point.

These days, both things feel kind of the same.

[sexycornenthusiast]

Do you have any Regret hc’s?

This is a bit like asking if the ocean has water I think.

Regina/Gretchen headcanons part 2:

(part one)

They spent a lot of the summer between junior and senior year trying to genuinely get to know each other as friends without all the social pressures and pretenses

Gretchen was a little hurt when she found out how much Regina had been keeping from her the whole time

She thinks Regina's "working through basic human emotions like they're a puzzle" shtick is very endearing

They're both complete freaks in an 'equal and opposite' way

Sometimes when they're alone Regina will randomly start telling Gretchen about something fucked up that happened to her as a child. It's unclear whether she actually recognizes these as traumatic events

Gretchen writes Regina love letters, which she keeps neatly folded in her nightstand drawer and she looks at them whenever she gets sucked into the self hatred spiral

It took Regina a while to get comfortable with the typical dating stuff and not associate it with the fakeness of her previous comphet relationships

She hate hate HATES receiving acts of service (for brainworm reasons). Giving them, however-

Gretchen is very easily touched by tiny things so Regina will be like "Oh yeah I remember once you said xyz" and she'll start crying

Both of them feel like they don't "deserve" their relationship in different ways

According to Gretchen, Regina could solve literally any problem in the universe in seconds

She can and will drag Gretchen out of the anxiety spiral by the ankles. She does NOT play around

Both have a very extensive mental encyclopedia of things they just Know about each other

(yes this does freak out their friends sometimes)

Karen loves third-wheeling them. She finds it hilarious

Regina isn't any better at cooking than Gretchen is, but she's an aggressive "get the hell out of my kitchen" partner

They tell acquaintances that they're "roommates" for a long time bc they're both cowards

Their last dance at their senior prom was in the parking lot alone to whatever was playing on Regina's car radio after everyone else left. They got each other flowers <3

Their friends had a running bet going for how long it would take Gretchen to start crying at their wedding. Not if she would cry, but when

[izzysillyhandsy]

Izzy's Gravy Basket

While discussing Izzy's looming end of season extravaganza (apparently Con's acting is so good we're all gonna lose our minds) on this poll, and maybe in connection with my episode 8 speculations here, @nicelimegreen put the thought of Izzy's own personal gravy basket in my mind - and I love it so much I have to write about it.

While Ed and Stede already let us see into their minds (and it was fascinating!), we haven't had anything like that from Izzy. And true to my firm belief that OMFD is a story about three central fuckups, an Izzy dream scene/hallucination would be absolutely perfect for the season finale to bring everything together.

Also, the unhinged enthusiasm of people who have seen all the episodes, specifically relating to Con's performance in episode 8, leads me to believe that there's something dramatic coming.

And why not Izzy's own purgatory?

I know, this makes it 3 death scenes in one season (plus 2 toe snips, an amputation and possibly torture?) which I would find a bit much even in hurt/no comfort fanfic, but it kinda is that kind of show, isn't it? (and I love it)

The fascinating question is, of course, what would Izzy's purgatory look like? (Please reblog and discuss, I'm going crazy with anticipation in general and about Izzy's conclusion specifically)

Let's look at our blueprint: Ed's gravy basket

Central conflict: self-hatred, fear of being a bad person, lack of self control, unloveable, no one cares if you live or die Location: beach, hut, cliffs Representation of self: Captain Hornigold, retired Pulling him out of it: Mermaid Stede <3 (I messed all of this up. I'll never leave you. You're safe.)

For Izzy, in my opinion, the central conflict is "What am I?" (from initially, "What am I to you?"). His arc this season is becoming a well-rounded person who can stand alone (first step: get a unicorn leg) and isn't (co-)dependent on his captain.

But that might not be all there is. Ed's death was directly connected to his conflict. I can't see how Izzy's death is caused by him becoming a more realized person.

Except... maybe this is a conflict between self-actualization and self-sacrifice. I've said it before, I sense a lot of guilt about something in his (and Ed's) past. Something about others paying the price for your ambitions (Letting someone die or driving them to suicide? Killing someone you love?).

Izzy spent a lifetime in the shadow of another man, propping him up (as best he could). Maybe there's a reason for this level of self-abandonment?

The location could be many places really - we know nothing of Izzy's past. It has to be quiet and introspective though, so I suggest a lake in some lonely place (Edward Teach born on a beach, Israel Hands born in the Midlands). Or a ship - because, at his core, Izzy is first and foremost a sailor.

Much more interesting is the person who'll be there with him. Keeping in line with our blueprint, it could be someone from Izzy's past.

For Ed, it was his feared captain who traumatized him deeply but also influenced large parts of his outwards persona, his conception of piracy and appropriate pirate behaviour. These are parts Ed hates about himself and that make him unhappy, and it ties in with his central conflict of course.

But for Izzy it could be the exact opposite. If it truly is a person from Izzy's past, it's very difficult to speculate who (that's why we need a scene like this - we know nothing about the fucker!).

I all comes down to how Izzy sees himself. Contrary to Ed, I don't think Izzy's conflict is self-hatred, so the person representing his self won't be someone Izzy hates.

I also don't see someone threatening - it is more likely someone in need of guidance, someone vulnerable and "weak". Maybe someone who wasn't strong and able enough to do their fucking job (and Izzy should have done it for him, then).

So who could that person be? It could be someone who was dependent on Izzy a long time ago, maybe someone he let down because he didn't protect/guide them properly. The person could be connected to the spade (traitor's?) tattoo or the ring on his cravat. It could also be a young Ed, who Izzy tried to take under his wing (for the record, I do firmly believe that Izzy taught Ed quite a few things, maybe not all he knows though).

He could also be alone 😢

I don't think Izzy wants to die like Ed did (he's doing quite well right now), but we've got 3 episodes left - who knows what'll happen. The guilt could play into it, or a feeling of this is how it was supposed to happen, I've paid my debts.

In any case, right at the end, someone will come and pull him out.

In spite of the crew being Izzy's love now, they've already saved him in Ep4. I think this time it should be Ed who comes for Izzy. I can also see Ed and Stede both being explicitly needed (Izzy has two hands).

I think there's a possibility Izzy won't drown though - maybe he'll burn in a wood/house/ship fire. A self-imposed fiery death in hell seems fitting with the guilt-theme somehow. But that's just me probably. Water works perfectly well too.

For the rescue, I am struggling to come up with something even half as perfect as a mermaid, I mean Ed and Stede can always ride in on a unicorn (bit of a double meaning there, but whatever), but that doesn't feel quite right - maybe Ed with a shark's tail? Someone else will have a brilliant idea I hope!

Going with Izzy's assumed conflict of self-actualization vs. self-sacrifice (and protection of others), the thing he needs to hear to bring him back would be something like "it wasn't your fault", "be happy" and "I/we want you in our lives but be your own person" (just a little more poetic maybe).

Conclusion: Izzy's purgatory will tell us something (harrowing I'm sure) about his past. Con's acting will be off the charts. We will want to thank him face-to-face (I've wanted to do that from the start, so...)

But Ed or Ed and Stede both will bring Izzy back - he'll thank them in his usual charming way and they'll live happily ever after <3.

Hope this wasn't too scrambled! Thoughts?

[intheholler]

Been reading your posts about the accent and all, and I wanted to share two horror stories I wrote in my accent. :)

Knock Three Times

Ol' Knocky

Also it's interesting reading your posts about it - I've always been proud of my accent and my home and not exactly able to empathize with people who internalize the prejudice and turn against their home. So your posts are helping me see that side of things more.

Maybe it's because I grew up in Mount Airy, and of course we pride ourselves on Andy Griffith and Mayberry and all that. So maybe I got lucky and didn't grow up around the shame as much.

As for people assuming we're "dumb" - in 7th grade I scored high enough on the verbal part of the SAT to go to Duke's TIP program. There was a girl there from Tobaccoville with the thickest accent I've heard yet. I hope she kept it and I hope she's proud of it.

Anyway I love your blog and I hope you keep fighting the good fight. :)

hi, thanks! also thanks for being here contributing a counterpoint perspective.

i'll explain it how i see it personally: it isn't like the accent is just a collection of sounds or something equally as simple. it is one of the accents and dialects that carries on its back something much heavier. this has to do with code-switching, which occurs in all sorts of sociolinguistic cases.

it also isn't necessarily us 'turning away from home' (i'd like to address that further in a minute).

so to the sociolinguistic point:

in my case--and in a lot of cases given by those who have shared their stories with this community here--we are queer, non- or ex-religious people with leftist ideals. the opposite of what people are adamant about associating this region with.

the accent has become like a hallmark of that kind of behavior we don't align ourselves with but are still stereotyped and harmed by.

it seems to be a common experience that we want to hide the accent so we aren't automatically pegged as being the exact opposite of who we truly are.

because so many people, consciously or subconciously, revert to their misconceptions when they hear it, before we even have a chance to show them we're of like mind. i say this as someone who moved away from appalachia for several years. it's a thing. i promise.

so if you're trying to see it from our perspective, i think that's an important thing to understand. lord knows there ain't shit wrong with the accent itself. to me, it's home-y and warm, soft and familiar and hospitable.

it's what the accent unfortunately implies before we can get a word in edgewise. it isn't fair that we are made to feel this way, and i am hoping by reclaiming my own accent as i have been, i will be changing minds for the better.

but socially--its HARD. its EXHAUSTING. and code-switching has historically just been so much easier.

also--and i say this gently--i struggle with your idea of "turning away from home," because it reminds me of something regressionists in the south/appalachian south say about young people leaving the region, calling them traitors. this us-them mentality simply needs to be dissolved.

i am not turning away from my home when i protect myself from hatred and vitriol based solely on how i drawl my "i" sounds. my home has turned away from me.

it was always mine, always ours. my ancestors--our ancestors--were generous, loving, community-driven, hospitable folks. these hateful fucks have stolen what it once was and projected an awful image out into the world instead. that's not on me. all i can do is try to set it right again.

thanks again for your thoughts! <3

[yuikomorii]

I hope this doesn’t bother you, Admin-chan, but I just find it odd how Ayato and Ruki are your top boys taking account they’re rivals and well…Ruki wronged Ayato in many ways and I don’t wanna be that person but he’s one of the least problematic Diaboys so I don’t get why Ruki would treat him the worst out of them all. I mean, shouldn’t all Sakamaki’s be a threat to him, why only be so mean towards Ayato? That’s what I can’t understand.

// Don't worry, it doesn't bother me! I know Ayato and Ruki have very different personalities, and I've stated several times why I love Ayato, but Ruki is my second best boy because we share many interests and a thirst for knowledge. I'm actually in the mood to write an essay about it, so please excuse the length 👉🏻👈🏻

Ayato & Ruki Analysis, let’s go!

I love Ruki; he's such an intriguing character, but his attitude towards Ayato irritates me at times, especially because he sees Ayato as some sort of privileged brat who gets everything served on a silver platter, despite the fact that we know that’s exactly the opposite taking account that this guy had been mentally, emotionally and physically abused for decades.

The Mukamis are my favorite family, but I dislike how they constantly dismiss the Sakamaki brothers' trauma and adopt the "I've got it worse than you!" mentality.

Going back to Ruki, yes, what happened to him was indeed heartbreaking but the thing is, they wanted to show how Karma hit him. We know young!Ruki was a cruel child, he punished his servants for every little mistake and considered himself superior because of his position. Now, let’s talk about young!Ayato. He was literally Ruki's polar opposite; a kind child who didn't care about his Prince status and treated everyone equally, such as the butler, who was shown caring a lot for Ayato in LE and YB.

I usually like rivalry when it’s good portrayed; I really enjoyed the Shu x Yuma and Kou x Subaru ones, I think they were really well written. However, in Ayato’s and Ruki’s case… that’s a whole other story.

Ayato despises Ruki primarily because of romantic jealousy. Ayato may appear narcissistic and confident, but many people fail to realize how insecure and low his self-esteem is. Ayato is shown in MB to believe that no one will ever love him back. He is aware that if he falls in love with someone, that person won’t reciprocate his feelings, and thus he will get hurt. That's why Ayato kept rejecting Yui there and eventually let her go with Ruki. He clearly knows Ruki is better than him in every way, he just won't vocally admit it; he knows Ruki can easily win Yui's heart, and that's why he's a threat in his eyes.

Ruki's hatred for Ayato stems mainly from power jealousy. Ruki's main goal is to become Adam, but he can't because he isn't a pure-blood vampire, so he projects his insecurities onto Ayato, who, as the main guy, is considered the true Adam. Throughout the routes, Ruki appears to be impressed by Ayato as well. He once questioned whether Ayato truly is special, but quickly dismissed that thought. Another reason is that, as mentioned in his MB brute end, Ruki believes Karlheinz loves Ayato and his brothers. He is very insecure too; he knows Ayato is stronger and has a better chance of having Eve.

I’m honestly sick of how many times Ruki has called Ayato “unworthy” of being Adam but little does he know that’s not something he chose. I suppose people really overlook the fact that Ayato doesn’t want the powers, he couldn’t care less about Karl’s plan, he just wants Yui’s love. He was literally cursed to become Adam, that’s definitely no blessing. Have you seen his awakening symptoms in MB? The guy couldn’t even control his blood thirst anymore; he was literally ill.

And, while we're at it, what exactly did Ruki do to be "worthy" of the Adam title? His orphanage plan already failed because Kou, Yuma, and Azusa were all shot, and if Karlheinz hadn't shown up, he would have most likely been gone. He basically took care of them in Eden and "trained" them, which essentially means telling them the details of his plan, while his biological children were going through nightmares.

Anyway, I'm relieved Ruki is no longer obsessed with the Adam and Eve plan. In CL, he seems less addicted to it and I'm glad CL demonstrated that Ayato would indeed help Ruki if something happened to him; he became concerned when he suddenly fainted and was eager to save him and others as soon as possible.

I doubt they'll ever become friends because their personalities clash, but it's nice to see they don't hold grudges against each other anymore.

[robinwithay]

I'm mean this very /gen, but I've seen a lot of posts recently talking about how fans need to think more about Aziraphale and not baby Crowley and based on these posts fans seem heavily skewed towards Crowley but... I'm hardly in this Fandom, I pop in from time to time to see art and fic and meta for like a week or two, go away for a bit, and then come back and check in again, and generally what I've seen more than anything, is posts about Aziraphale and his trauma and why he's suffering the most and Crowley should have Done Better and Aziraphale Defense no matter what, any aziraphale critique seen as hate...

So I'm not sure where this disconnect is happening. We're apparently seeing completely opposite sides of the Fandom, but it seems like the overwhelming majority. So I see posts that are like, okay let's focus more on Aziraphale, and I'm like, that's literally all I'm seeing......this isn't meant to start something, bc I honestly am curious how this is happening and how everyone is either miscommunicating or idk something

hi anon! first of all, sorry it took me so long to get to this ask - it's partly because i really don't know the answer. i've spoken to others about this phenomenon of everyone seeming to only see the opposite of whatever "side" they've personally chosen, and it does seem to happen a lot. i have a theory it's partially confirmation bias - as in people ignore what they see that agrees with what they already think, and only focus on/remember what doesn't because they want to believe there is opposition to their opinion - partially temporal (maybe especially temporal for you, if you only dip in and out!) - as in more people have come around to seeing Aziraphale's side of things the more time has passed after the initial pain of s2 making a lot of people side more with Crowley - and partially that there is a real divide.

personally, i think that choosing "sides" between two characters who love each other is...silly. i think both of them were wrong and right in different ways, they both hurt each other, and they both have some development they need to do to forgive and earn each other's forgiveness.

however, i do think there was a huge initial wave of hatred thrown at Aziraphale that some folks are still very much riding. since season 1, i think Crowley has always been the fandom favourite, and i say that in full appreciation of the fact that in terms of fandom, the GO fandom is a rare one where the disparity between fandom favourites is much smaller than in most. plenty of people love Aziraphale, but he doesn't tend to get the same treatment as Crowley. and it's understandable - Crowley is a sad wet cat of a demon, and people love an underdog, an antihero. i think a lot of folks really relate to Crowley in his bitterness, his depression, his resent. he's been treated badly, rejected, tossed aside, and persists regardless, and - unfortunately - a lot of people know how that feels. it helps that Crowley is very easy to read (despite his best efforts), especially to the audience. his motivations are clear and relatable.

Aziraphale, on the other hand, is...kinda more complicated. he's generally operating on so many layers of deceit and denial that i don't know if he himself fully understands how he truly feels half the time - he's not honest about his emotions to the audience or himself. that doesn't make for an accessible, relatable character for most people, but for those with whom it resonates, it really resonates.

let me be clear: Crowley is not a bad character for being easier to read. Aziraphale is not a bad character for being harder to read. they're just different and appeal to different people.

[grimescum-2]

other jan hcs (ft. luke) :o3

- him and luke are from new york, born to a lower class family

- both are mixed to some degree (black n white), luke is just the lighter skinned of the two

- jan got the extroverted behavioral issues adhd and luke got the introverted withdrawn adhd

- both have depression. i think luke in particular would have an inflated ego and low empathy. jan denies having depression and feeling sad at all while luke handles it pretty well, even if he internalizes it.

- jan was a sweet, albeit obviously troubled kid, and the least favorite child because of the problems that came with it. he was smart, shown by his grades, but the problem was how little he turned in assignments. he didn't see why he should and felt as if he was forced to because of it

- he often felt jealous of his brother since he seemed to be the one getting all the praise and attention. they were still close despite this and did damn near everything together (usually because of jan's insistence)

- luke ended up doing a lot of his schoolwork for him. jan still feels indebted to him after all this time, but luke just tells him not to worry about it. jan doesn't know luke cheated most of the time

- jan felt like nobody really cared for him other than his brother. developed an intense hatred for other people and, specifically, those who're in a position of power for not doing anything to help him or people like him. a lotta his violent tendencies probably stems from that alongside bottled up rage and jealousy

- has heavy trust issues because of this and doesn't immediately believe people when they say or try to show that they care

- jan went to jail for theft and some other minor charges in his youth. he still commits crimes obviously, he's just much smarter about it now. luke has always been much more meticulous and planned with his crimes

- didn't have a lot of luck with relationships if they lasted long enough to even be considered one. thinks romance is just buy thing for girl and do the sex and dismisses everything else as "corny". ironic considering his surname

- luke is very much the opposite but still had trouble in relationships due to the fact that he just didn't care for any of his partners, being mostly in it for the compliments and the benefits to himself. he'd end up cheating a lot of the time

- jan probably wouldn't even recognize any genuine displays of affection. if he did, he wouldn't know how to react, defaulting to insults and awkward laughter. he doesn't shut up often but telling him "i love you" would do it real quick

- luke isn't phased by compliments; it's just telling him stuff he already knows. he knows how to pretend to be flattered, though. would probably be the type to say "thank you" to someone confessing their undying love for him. you'd honestly have more luck earning his fancy by insulting him (NOT BECAUSE GHES LIKE A MASOCHIST,, idk thats up to you BUT because it's something new and different)

- jan still thinks men shouldn't cry and seriously beats himself up for it when he inevitably does. luke thinks the same, except he just doesn't. he can recall very few occasions past childhood where he actually cried

- jan's thoughts are faster than his mouth, luke thinks before he talks. jan will say the most out of pocket uncalled for shit ever heard by another human being and act like it's a normal thing to say

- jan's handwriting is only legible by him and his brother due to luke learning from the little schoolwork jan did do. luke writes almost exclusively in cursive, the one exception being if jan is going to read it

- jan drew those shitty S signs everywhere. luke dabbled in writing as an emotional outlet and jan would draw those fucking S signs all over his work

- when jan read his writing (usually without luke's consent) he would read it aloud and yell about how good it was, embarrassing luke in the process

- jan says shit JUST to make people mad. his ass would start an argument only to be like "haa u mad u mad". luke just naturally gets under peoples skin

- jan plays stuff like gta, metal gear n silent hill. has a few video game consoles and he plays with luke sometimes (w jan's temper he's admittedly not the best person to play games with)

- jan stole a motorcycle once, got all excited to ride it and immediately crashed bc he doesn't know how to ride one. luke let him ramble on about whatever and snuck in cigarettes and liquor for him while he was hospitalized

- luke does love his younger brother, he just doesn't like the constant noise; it overstimulates him and most of the time he's not interested in what jan has to say. instead shows his love thru small things and being overly protective. if you manage to stress jan out in any capacity luke will NOT let that shit slide

- jan frequented those shock/gore websites as an emotional outlet. consequently became desensitized to stuff of that nature and interested in weapons, particularly guns

- jan is extremely reckless with his stolen money. enjoys gambling and placing outright dangerous bets that luke often has to talk him out of despite him doing the same

- jan impatient as shit. if he isn't immediately good at something he gets mad and loses interest. luke is patient but significantly less so with people

- i think jan is chill with the lgbt community. he'd be one of those allies who have no clue what any of it means but r supportive anyway. luke does not give a single shit

- neither are inherently bad or evil!!!!! but i think luke would be the more morally incorrect out of the two. jan knows what it's like to go through tough shit while luke doesn't— and even if he did, he wouldn't care.

- regardless of jan's beliefs he'd always say "no homo" before giving anything that's even remotely a compliment to another man

- likes hardcore, hard rock, metal, metalcore, punk rock and old-school rap. luke isn't much of a music person in comparison, but he did manage to get jan into smooth jazz

- jan would blare his music loud as fuck and turn it up louder whenever someone tells him to quiet down

- jan does care about how people perceive him, he's just good at pretending like he doesn't. luke only cares about his perception for the social benefits that come with looking and acting more refined. he does actually enjoy the fashion aspect quite a bit, but he probably wouldn't say that (unless its to brag about how expensive his suits are)

- both's fashion sense is "whatever makes me look cool" but for different reasons. jan leans a little more towards whatever is comfortable

[runthepockets]

When I was a little boy, in 2nd or 3rd grade, my mom dragged me to the bathroom of a department store after refusing 4 times in a row to walk any further than we already had. She smacked me upside the head and on my rear till I cried. "You will not fucking embarrass me, not with all these people out here. You will not fucking embarrass me, [DEADNAME]. Apologize for causing a scene." I was in shambles. It was only once so I don't hold it against her, but the way human minds work means I'll never forget, even though I forgive.

I was 11 when I discovered Eminem. I clicked on the song "My Mom", expecting some kind of R&B anthem to motherhood like most rappers. Instead it was the opposite. 5 minutes of a fully grown man putting his mom on blast for being terrible and making him the way he was; 5 minutes of a fully grown man trying to heal the little 8 year old boy still tucked away in his psyche, following him after every woman he'd beaten and every bottle he'd topped off.

As a preteen I was very prone to fighting. I understood dishonesty at the age of 7, I had identity issues until the age of 24. As an adult I have a very intense relationship with alcohol and feel an urge to be in control of every aspect of my life in a way that simply isn't realistic, and is dulled by prescriptions to Testosterone and Fluoxetine; never cured, just dulled, and easier to deal with every day. I rarely, if ever, act on these urges; I know the effect they'll have on the people I love.

I'm 24 now. I have a nice life; a nice job, cool friends, a roommate who I consider family, hobbies that empower me, and every day I find reasons to live in something as simple as a bashful 4 year old hiding behind his mother when she asks him to tell the retail clerk thank you for giving him the free stickers, or the 16 year old girl giggling over a Tiktok with her friends. My go to artist now when I think too hard about my mother is A Perfect Circle. Nevertheless, when I'm drunk, I still listen to that song. The lines "My mom, loves valium, and lots of drugs, that's why I am, why I am, cus I'm my mom!" and "What kinda mother would want to see her son grow up to be an under-fuckin-achiever" live rent free in my mind. Though I'm not quite a drug addict, and though my mother never poisoned my food, I have been hit. I have been berated and shamed and treated lower than a stray dog, and I have felt the urge to make others suffer for my misfortune. Unlike Marshall Mathers, I never act on these feelings. Unlike Marshall Mathers, I have a lot of sympathy for my mother even in the face of all the hatred; but similarly to him, I cannot fucking stand her. There are times when I fantasize about showing up dressed up to her funeral, as any son would for his mother, and ripping loose, exposing her entire history and flipping the bird toward her casket while I laugh in her face. I'm not proud of these fantasies, but child psychology 101 will tell you this is to be expected. Maybe this is why I sometimes ruminate in my childhood admiration for that deeply sick, broken man--- maybe his twisted, tragic narrative spoke truth to mine.

I was 23 last year. In the midst of the Breaking Bad renaissance, I was seeing a lot of memes about how Jesse Pinkman-- the sensitive, affectionate man who shrouds his feelings in a façade of working class toughness and tribal tattoos and Sapphire Longue Hoodies and oversized Roca wear Jeans, because anything less is considered fraudelent in the violent, ambitious, and chaotic world of drug dealing-- effeminate, if you will-- is an oafish trans man who rocks with Eminem. I know most of these posts are jokes at the deprecating expense of a fictional character, but they still make my heart swell.

[blackberry-gingham]

👋 hello love your blog and toad content feel free to ignore this. Maybe it will give you some ideas idk

I just was on clock app and watched Esmeralda edits AND IT FITS SO WELL with Mortimer and reader concept like that scene where Esmeralda dancing on festival (?) (I don't remember how it's called) . Unfortunately I can't send an edit but THIS THIS SCENE I'M TALKING ABOUT p. s. I'm really sorry if there any mistakes english not my native language

First of all, sorry this took so long to get to 😭

Second of all, may I just say, your username is ELITE lmao 😂 easily in my top three favorite usernames I've ever seen, right along with dilf-hunter69, I believe it was

Y'all have easily twice the creativity I do lmao

Definitely a cool idea tho! There's lots of cross over for Quasimodo's story and Toad's, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if some of his character iterations were inspired by it all. I do love a good "sad, ugly mutant man gets picked by pretty reader character". Hm....

Ooooo you know what would be cool? Like a straight up au of sorts revolving around the hunchback of Notre Dame + X-Men 👀

This turned into a little blurb, so here you go :) reader is gender neutral btw!

Imagine being a mutant rights activist at like a rally or protest or something and of course the brotherhood are in the area, possibly fighting cops or whatever- something to get the X-Men's attention ig. To speed things up tho, Magneto has the team set sights on the bystanders, which includes you of course.

The rest of the brotherhood doesn't care so they do it, all humans are the enemy after all- even ones who claim otherwise. But... Toad's not so sure. He has reservations, but as usual it only takes a stern look from Magneto to put him in his place. He joins the fight and you and your fellow protestors scatter.

You run because you're getting chased- chased by Toad, it seems. In the rush and the panic, you fall, even getting trampled by the human stampede a little. Toad's on you in no time, and there you lay... Hurt and helpless. He could kill you right now and maybe earn some approval with his master.

Or...

He looks left. Then right. Then over his shoulder for good measure. No one is looking....

"Get up!", Like you weigh nothing at all, he flips you over and sets you on your feet to face him.

You look scared- but he's used to that. Besides, he's not sure he can even blame you. Fear is better than hatred at least. And anything's better than disgust.

In a moment of weakeness, a thought comes upon him; Is this really what he wants to be? Feared and distrusted, by actions of his own doing? As though his face isn't bad enough- isn't he just making things worse? You weren't here to fight or cause trouble after all. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Lost in his mind, he studies your face for a long time... Just about as much as you study his.

A minute well spent- he lets you go gently, sneering even as he does. Toad looks around one more time, backing away to save face until at last he turns to you, a growl of a whisper as his voice, "Go on- get lost, then!", he looks at the surprise in your eyes... Then looks away. He doesn't deserve even that.

"I ain't gonna hurt you... but thems all will if yo-"

Surprise is the least of all the feelings that wash over him when your arms interrupt his warning. Hung tight in an embrace across the back of his neck- Mort suddenly remembers... When was the last time he ever was hugged?

For a fleeting moment, he thinks to return the gesture. Somehow, this feels better then anything he's ever imagined. Better then he ever thought something was silly as a simple touch even could. Your waist is right there, too.

If he'd only move his useless limbs, then maybe he could just...

But the moment passes. And with a gentle, sincere smile- another in the line of first times for him today, you let him go with a hurried thanks before turning to run.

For a long while yet, just long enough to commit your wonderful face to memory... He watches you go. Something in his chest feels tight as he watches you run from him, all the way until you're out of sight.

"Toad! You fool... You let one get away!", from somewhere far away, Magneto growls and degrades- taking a break from the mayhem to round up his troops for the X-Men's approach.

No.... Not running from him, Toad thinks.

Running from-

Erik Lehnsherr mutters yet another insult under his breath, before issuing a new command, "Don't just stand there, go with the others! Charles' men will be here any minute!"

Even as the master of magnetism threatens and barks his orders- His pathetic pawn, this shell of a man, finds he can't help but look after the corner he saw you turn just a little longer... Toad watches. And he thinks. And at last, he turns, face pinched in bitter contempt.

Maybe... Even a Toad could aspire to something better, he wonders. Better then... This. Anything, would be better than this.

But for now-

"Yes... Master..."