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melye1981 · 6 months

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Very Depressed... I Miss My Mom...

As the holidays become alive again, another year almost gone, and two years since my momma died. I can't bear this pain. People say it gets better with time. No, not for me. This year has not been kind to me. I am struggling financially. I have a $308.00 electric bill that I can't seem to catch up on. This city is a joke. I've tried setting up a GoFundMe, but nobody seems to wanna help people anymore, unless it benefits them. I'm at risk of having my electricity shut off, my boyfriend basically told me to kick rocks because he can't handle the honesty of how shitty he treats me, and then on the two-year death anniversary of my mom that passed this September, my boyfriend didn't even comfort me. Instead started a pointless argument with me. And then today, we argued all day because he ghosted me Friday, and then ditched me on Saturday, so we spent all of Sunday arguing, and the motherfucker can't even take accountability, because he's got that Taurus arrogance that I can't stand. And then before he went to bed last night, we got into it again. I think it's just time for me to go. My next door neighbor and my landlord are harassing me twenty four seven, about moving, and when am I moving, because selling my house would be easier if I weren't in it. Well, fuck them. I'm over this. Everyone in my life is a douche bag right now. I've done nothing but help these people and be kind, and all they can do is talk shit or make me feel like shit... I don't get it. This is why Aquarius would rather be alone than socialize. At least this Aquarius does... It's always the nice people who wear their hearts on their sleeves that get shit on when they're doing absolutely nothing to deserve it. I miss my mom and wish she was here to stand up for me. I know that seems childish to still want my mom to stand up for me at my age, I'm 42, but you know, I always need my mom. Being mentally ill is a big challenge that nobody gets unless they're mentally ill themselves. I've been crying all day and now into Monday morning, I'm at my computer crying again. I feel misunderstood, taken advantage of, misled, lost, truly lost. I am stuck and I don't know where to go from here. Even though I have a boyfriend (who treats me like shit but can't admit that he's an asshole to me), I still feel all alone and lonely. I've never felt so alone in my life. Here come the holidays, so another year by myself on Thanksgiving and Christmas. That's nice. Oh well. I'm tired of being tired. I can honestly say I hate my life. I want to write a book about my life after losing my mom, and how it's affected my mental illness and me as a person in general. My emotionally abusive relationship, my shady so-called friends, all of it. My heroin-addict father... Why can't I just erase my life and begin again as a baby with no flaws, parents who aren't dysfunctional, and a family that isn't dysfunctional, either. But I can't. I have to live out the next twenty or thirty years of my life still learning to accept what is, and learning to just settle for whatever at this point. I don't see myself living past my 60s, nor my 50s if I keep smoking cigarettes the way I do. I truly hate my life. Nobody will remember me when I die, I will be one of the forgotten, with just a little over 42 subscribers on YouTube and a lousy 132 friends on Facebook, nobody interacts with me on either site, so whatever I'm doing isn't right. I'm invisible, but that's okay. One day, I'm gonna fade into nothing, and nobody will know me anymore. They won't know of me, they won't know of my location, and they won't care, either way, just like they don't care now. Hell, even I'm at the brink of not giving one fuck about myself anymore. Why bother? I wasn't even a planned baby. I was just an accident between two people. I can forgive my mom, but my father, no. He was on heroin when I was created. I've had problems since birth. And now, at my age, I would figure those problems would eventually cease. But no. I'm always crying, sulking, self-soothing, thinking about dying, shutting myself away from the world...

#Depression #Aquarius #Feeling_Worthless #Misunderstood

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bi-sapphics · 1 year

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Any advice on how to stop guilt after finding out I'm bi instead of lesbian..? I wanna be proud of that of course, but I feel less valid for some reason.

i'm struggling with the same thing tbh, nonnie. i know in my head that i'm not any better or worse than lesbians morally but it's hard not to internalize i'm the latter when we're always told otherwise, especially considering how rampant all these separatists and r4\df/3ms are with their vile hatred of bisexual women and sapphics ─ especially when it comes right down to our innate attraction, and not even just our behavior or relationships.

my advice is to work up confidence, and that will help you build comfort in your identity. find community with bi feminists and bi activists, because they're really good about fighting biphobia on sight and not letting monosexuals dictate anything for them like an assumed authority figure. they prioritize and validate bisexuals and biromantics because we're so often erased and dismissed as important. they genuinely want to help and be there for people like you, because bi pride matters so much to them!

i would suggest some of my favorite accounts on #bitwt (bi side of twitter) for you to follow because they're admirable defenders of the bi community, but unfortunately there just isn't really much positivity over there. trust me, it's a constant timeline filled with nothing but biphobia and hatred; ignorance is probably the least hurtful thing to see on any given day. it makes an easy method for emotional self-harm. confronting and arguing with all of these people isn't worth the price in my opinion. if you think you can handle it then go for it, but please be careful and leave as soon as you think it starts to affect your well-being.

on the contrary to that, the bi side of tumblr is absolutely worth spending time in! their opinions never contradict their beliefs and they actually have good takes on what we are or aren't "allowed" to do as bisexuals, since everyone else thinks they have a say in that. there's actually enjoyment of our sexuality here without the discourse being a part of it all the time, and the casual content is nice to see. there's actually a positive community here that supports itself, so i would definitely recommend it!

on a side note nonnie, this reminds me that i should make a list of my favorite bi blogs because this isn't the first time i got similar questions in my inbox. i'll get right to it sooner or later. <3

#chase answers #bi tag #bi postivity #biphobia #bi feminists #bi activists #bi sapphics #bi women

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koreandragon · 1 year

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lmao pine that vincenzo netlix thing happens to me all the time.. i also get random notifs on my phone that tell me to "continue watching" bc i sometimes feel like rewatching some scenes. was funny yesterday when i was finishing reborn rich and got so tired of all the fuckery, i took a break and checked my phone and it was just netflix again telling me to watch vincenzo like YEAH.... i might as well now bc reborn rich totally lost me in the last episode

(will rant a little if it's ok!)

honestly though– what in the world was that ending? like who over at jtbc thought this was a good idea and let the writer have her way??? i'd love to know bc i think what the novel did (no HW in the new life, DJ gets revenge, becomes ceo, marries MY, end) was so much better. yeah it's simple but better than what we got. here the writer wanted to be creative? what was the point of ep 2-15 and all that we've seen DJ go through only to have an ending like that and then explain it with "repentance"? like what...... and it was lined with plotholes like a swiss cheese 😭

so while i enjoyed the drama, the end kinda ruined it for me personally. the novel was about rebirth/revenge and while we watched DJ trying to take over sunyang, all that was naught in the end since we end with HW again and nothing he "did" as DJ ever mattered. by changing the ending, the writer completely fucked the point of the story over. now it's about repentance? why not just make a movie with the plot of ep 1 and 16 and call it a day then? idk. the more i try to make sense of it all the more i don't understand. also such a waste of lee sung mins amazing performance :(

what's your general thought of the ending?

vincenzo will forever haunt me, i feel like i see his face wherever i go i wish i could erase it from my head so i can watch it again. my life drama. anyway.

well i didn't love the drama ngl to you there were fun bits where he fucked his family over but none of that was truly cathartic? and there were too much politics and corporate lingo like i barely followed along. i wrote this in a post too that it will never truly be revenge because the jin family won't know who he is and why he's doing it. revenge is all about looking into your enemy's eyes and letting them know it was you who fucked them over and why you did it. isn't it? so i was wondering how that was going to go, i guess they did that with hyunwoo at the end but it didn't actually matter because the guy who did kill dojun and tried to kill him got to die peacefully in his sleep none the wiser. he got to be the chairman of soonyang for 20 years without any accountability.

the doppelganger thing still bothers me like hyunwoo literally could've been played by any other actor because he was only in the first and last eps and some flashback scenes i don't understand why joongki had to play them both it's just too much suspension of belief for me. plus the thing that bothered me ESPECIALLY that i already talked about is that hyunwoo was supposed to know about dojun's accident. he was literally there and he still couldn't avoid it while he was dojun cause he conveniently forgot it ever happened or idk??? like that shit irks me. don't even get me started on the romance and minyoung's character because it was abismal. i trusted this writer because she wrote designated survivor and it's still one of my favorite dramas and it was very entertaining despite being so political. waited a year for this drama cause it's joongki's project after vincenzo but i guess you win some and you lose some. better luck next time.

#ask #anonymous

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jkesmth · 4 months

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Heat of a Star

Heat of a Star A work of fiction. Don't read any further, if you value your sanity or fear the Lovecraftian. There is a non-zero chance this text could eat your brain. What follows is an account of alien first contact as recalled, from the perspective of a participant in an experiment. To begin with there was a questionnaire: Take this personality test - can you sing and dance? One day I met a man, who worshiped a god from a foreign land. Hey dude, what's that, those pictographs from a photograph? You don't understand, these are sacred texts. I'm an atheist, god is a myth. I pray to luck. Life is determined, by random chance. We're only here by circumstance. No spooky movement from a distance. That's cringe, I pray to an idol, you're nothing. Dog drool. Ok then, bet - I'll fuck your wife. I'll be your god then, how's that? Whipped yet? You'll be a - You two should chess-box. Who are you? (I'm the one who beat you.) Round 2: Let's fight! Solve my riddle: What do poor have, rich want, and is greater than god? Nothing, it's easy. Down to my last puzzle. Next we'll play a game of Skate, whatever I do, you have to do too. He could play and sing "Stairway", "Enter Sandman", and "Master of Puppets" just as well. So for my last spell - "Lord of the Dance" on a tin-whistle. As he received his last letter I knew I was destined for hell. Chess-boxing isn't for those who wouldn't put their minds at stake. I was a fool - though the first fight I'd win, I still had to play the reigning champion. When I heard the name - was certain second place prize, would be half my brain. Act 2: Enter: King. Oh fuck, I'm gonna die! G-men and president at his side. Do you believe in god? His first puzzle. No I don't. But what of Artificial, Super, Intelligence? Like Terminator, or Ciri? Hold on, I will define the term: The Basilisk, machine at the end of time, made of one's and zero's. Defeats every hero, in other words - better-than-human, with the ability to torture you - until oblivion, unless you make it, even the choice to abstain comes with risk, eternal pain if you miss, and if you don't hurry, the computer may take it personally. Answer carefully. I said: Imagine, there's a ladder, humanity climbs. Rung by rung, our destiny - the stars, by our own two hands. No need for an elevator we'll get there, to build the beast is to invent our end, it is dangerous - and might take us places we won't expect, do you think - before stepping on an ant? To fight it is to earn universal respect, to lose our purpose, would be the same as death. I wouldn't build it, on us I'd bet. Then he asked me, would you end my life then, by your own two hands? Are you artificial, or are you man? How would you know? This synth is all, that is left of my voice. Time for you to make a choice. In the other room is a computer - which I claim contains super-intelligence stored on hard-drive, if turned on, would tell the truth. Would you stand by those words and erase the program? I'd smash it. I swear that's what I'd do. Then in my hand they placed an icepick, and through the door, walked in a girl - wearing nothing, but silk and pearls.

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tiny-tigers · 6 months

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✨ Highly doubt he has a gf! Don't panic! [also for some reason I can't imagine him settling down before everyone else has....] *judas*

Awww no that sounds rough!! 😭💖 fall outs with friends are the woooorst! Try and feel everything you're feeling rn rather than avoiding it because then you'll get past it quicker! (better to hurt now rather than later type thing) sending love xxx

Definitely aim for a clean slate with 2024 since bday didn't go to plan!

I think you're right with the not knowing tbh! Maybe block some accounts where necessary??

My new year plans? Damn. Carry on exercising I suppose? It's helped my head so much this year - also to get outside more 🍃 Do more things that scare me - the other day I read "action cures fear" and omg did I need to hear that. I sometimes put things off and the longer I go without doing them, the harder I find it to even get started, so I'm just going to start bloody doing it.

Sorry to hear you feel that way about home rn! Have you ever thought about maybe studying in the UK?? I know you'd love to live here and I think it's maybe easier to live here if you're a student first? I know you've done uni already but you could maybe find something else in the next few months that you want to explore more/study in the uk? Either that or try and look up some internships/jobs in galleries/museums - in London especially - they'd bite your hand off with your language skills...!

Have a think about it 💖 But everything will be okay sweetie! This is just one chapter of yours in a very long life xxx

New nugget of terrible info : belgian chalamet gf is 37 when he is 24... and she is what she is but I will have problems if I say it..

Jacky the dirty shouldn't be my problem but somehow I am not even thinking to december with enjoyement anymore because of him , I am just scared he will avoid me now...

I am feeling super lonely, insecure and without anything to rock me somewhere or to some goal. I need new discoveries, new friendships and some projects.

I feel like I am trying to make myself empty and invisible because I felt like I was too much for a too long period and now I try to erase it . The result is now I feel nothing or only negativity.

This message appeased me quite a lot tho, all is temporary is a comforting thought.

Do you have reco on exercices ? Like apps or videos ? Programs ?

What scares you for ex? I personally is not at ease with how insecure life is. Maybe yes pain is temporary but happiness too so maybe it isnt that comforting...

I would need a visa and they are not easy to get unfortunately even impossible to get... It is not pretty common here to do loans to get to uni , and spend so much money otherwise loughborough would have interested me ! They had a textile design degree

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galactic-empress · 1 year

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The Karim vs Janai/Coup, Trial/Sunfire plots were the better parts for me this season. Multiculturalism, diversity, respecting and preserving cultural traditions and differences, preventing cultural loss, hysteria, racial issues, political intrigue, reforming justice laws, coping after societal collapse and the uneasy peace process, etc. are what I am here for over relationship drama and adventuring. I want to see less implied racism, I want to see portrayed more historical grudges and hate crimes and discontent. And thus, I really liked Karim. His appearances gave us that. (He's also hot-). I think so many are caught up in him going after the favorited Janaya pairing, and fail to see the complexities and interestingness he brought to the story, however flawed. He just lost his sister, his home, and he doesn't trust that things will improve, he is making dumb choices by pushing away his sisters happiness and overreacting, but he is hurting, he doesn't want his culture to be erased like my Tibetan friends who have been robbed of their nation, language, history and identity. He doesn't want burial rituals to be mocked as superstitions by the people supposedly giving them aide. If nothing else is learned by Lucia, don't become a volunteer in another country unless you intend to learn about it actively, it's not the time to be a know it all when you are a guest. She got community service but will she ever be kind? I felt more for Karim (someone only mentioned by the Twitter account and like a paragraph in Tales of Xadia) than I ever have for Viren or Aaravos (and that's a lot coming from someone with his icon lol). I hope we get to see more of him, but they have way too many characters, so he and Miyana will probably do nothing ever again. It would have been nice if the elf who's ceremony was disrupted said more or there were more examples of misunderstandings or retaliations or further riots. Maybe show some humans starting to leave, renouncing their aide, like the threat that brought them together has passed, they assisted in their relocation, and now they are getting persecuted, so why stay at all.

Just more time spent on all of above, other than Viren's panic attacks and journey to cheat death, Rayllum getting back together simulations (it was really frustrating watching them be upset the entire bloody time, and Rayla was muted, hardly even there), dragon shit, Zubeia teaching us history, and Aaravos being cool (haha elf illuminati), because we already nearly knew all of that. I want to see dark magic debate besides Claudia's stinky point of view (hating elves by concept), I want more factions for and against peace between the elves besides just Karim, I want to see what the human Kingdoms' policies are towards our makeshift alliance. I appreciated that they finally gave us an elven community Earthblood who are dicks to dragons, and that Rex Igneous is at odds with Avizandum, showing dragons have complexities.

Anyways, as someone who lost my favorite and a very impactful story (The OA) at the hands of Netflix, I get why they expanded to all mediums; books, comics, d&d, games, as a contingency plan, but I do agree, if you haven't followed or bought everything you are at a great disadvantage.

I would also really love to know more about the history and culture of the Sunfire elves but "Mount Everest still existed before it was discovered", like the message is that it's worth protecting and having interest in their culture even if you know nothing about it, despite centuries of hostility. I am not Tibetan, nor am I Asian, or an inch religious, or an immigrant, but I would never want to witness my culture fade away. Tibet is just one example of an independence movement and cultural erasure. Rampant racism now against anyone slightly Slavic with the war, and decades of discrimination against anyone Muslim, are two others. Also yeah, I love Terry (also hot-) but he was oblivious to how his girlfriend just invaded Xadia, discriminates elves by her fathers influence (also if ya'll can like Viren a human nationalist, I can like Karim and Aaravos (who's manipulating and moulding everyone)), and she does the number one thing that makes elves mistrust us for, and how does he not know about the dangers of breaking out Aaravos, that seems like something they would teach.

Okay, tldr; to those calling this a filler season, all of these themes are very important even if most were told and not shown, Karim's strength through violence is flawed and wrong but it wasn't worthless or nothingness...and selfishly I don't want them to hear all of this negativity and we get cancelled shhh And anyways, if they rushed things with Aaravos or the Moonshadow family reunion or more romance, then what would be next.

#karim

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advotproject · 2 years

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Mistakes

We all make mistakes. We all do things wrong. We calculate things in a way that later

we realize should've been different. The question is, what are you to do when you realize you have made a mistake?

I didn’t make the best plans this summer. Nothing went the way I thought it would

and/or wanted. I miscalculated some things. I made a few mistakes, nothing huge, no

one is hurt. But these are things that keep me up at night. These things make me

anxious and, to be honest, sometimes the stupid silly mistakes make me feel like a

serious failure. I ask myself “How could I have not thought about that? Why did I do

this? How did I not know?”

It’s funny how one wrong choice about something not that important will erase years of accomplishment. It will erase the prizes and the acknowledgements. It doesn’t matter how good or talented I know I am; when I make a wrong choice or a mistake, even something trivial, I immediately feel like the biggest loser alive.

I work with people who have made very big mistakes.

I work with people who make mistakes that are irreversible.

I work with people who had to pay very high prices for the mistakes they made.

I am inspired again and again by the massive sizes of their hearts, the humility and the

ways they deal with their shame regarding the mistakes that they made.

I am a sucker for accountability. What I love the most about my students is the way they

own their shit. It leaves me in complete and utter awe again and again!

Many of my peers will not own the silliest of their mistakes. They will sugar coat,

gaslight or pretend they didn’t happen. Then, there are my brilliant students who, in

complete transparency, share their stories, share their business, hold their truths and

share them.

“I am my worst enemy, Ms.” he told me.

“I have so much trauma and then I did all this stuff. I get in my head and it’s not pretty.”

“Well,” I say, “it doesn’t need to always be pretty.”

“Oh, Ms.” he tells me, “This is motherfucking ugly as ass.”

“So, let it be ugly” I say.

“Ms., I go hating myself.”

“Well, sometimes we don’t like ourselves. Sometimes I really don’t like myself either

and I hate the mistakes I make” I tell him.

“Ms.” He looks at me, “Seriously? You are not supposed to like your mistakes. If you did,

then they wouldn’t be mistakes. Do you know anyone who likes their mistakes?” he

laughs.

“Ms., you told us that our mistakes do not define us,” someone said.

“True,” I say,

“So, why you go hating your mistakes?” she added.

I smile.

I speak often about the need to be accepting of other people’s mistakes. How we must

not judge them and look at the whole story, not just one page of that story.

Circumstances matter. I don’t talk enough about accepting our own mistakes and letting go of the “coulda shoulda woulda.” Instead, think and focus on how now you will do things differently.

“The problem is those damn mistakes eat you. They burn and sting and you really can’t

do anything about dem feelings, except maybe down a bottle of tequila.”

“Girl,” someone says out loud “that don’t do shit!”

“Well,” I say, “you need to let it burn, sting, and feel like shit and then it will sting less and burn a little less and you will feel better every day that goes by.”

“I will never get over what I did.” He said “My mistake is part of me, it sits here on my

shoulder and is just there. I did it, it was wrong; it doesn’t matter that I was high and

gang banging. I did a bad thing, it was wrong and that wrong is now my friend, a friend

that taught me the most important lessons in life, and I try to find gratitude in that.”

I let that sink in for a moment.

“I think that is the work. Find the lesson, learn from the mistake” I say.

“Ms., you need to be grateful for the mistakes and don’t hate yourself because of them,

love yourself because you survived them.”

I look at this man. He has tattoos across his face. He was locked up for three decades.

He is wise and kind and I absolutely adore him more than I can say in words.

I know society will not be forgiving.

I doubt many people will have the privilege of time with him and/or have the chance to

hear his profound manifesto.

People will judge him by his mistake. What a darn shame.

He is so and I mean so much more than anything he did in the past.

He is gentle. He is intelligent and so incredibly, incredibly generous.

What a terrible, huge mistake to not give him the space and chance he not only deserves but has every right to.

#therippleeffect #theadvotproject

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makeste · 3 years

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“but I thought about how I needed to say this”

a.k.a. yet another meta dissection of The Apology. I actually wrote most of this up on Friday night based on the original Japanese (@pikahlua has an excellent translation up here, and I also used @hanashimas’ translations as a reference as well), but I wanted to wait until the official release, though that turned out to be a mixed bag to say the least lol.

I would also recommend reading @pikahlua and @class1akids’ breakdowns of this scene (here and here, respectively), because they are excellent, and because if any scene deserves to have as many meta breakdowns written about it as possible, it’s this one.

anyway so here goes.

Caleb did a more accurate job with this than the fanscan, even if he did try his best to take us out of the seriousness of the moment by throwing in that swiss cheese line lol. anyway so there are two things I want to talk about here. the first is the line about Izuku not remembering, which I thought was a nice touch. of course he doesn’t remember what Kacchan said back then. he wasn’t exactly in the soundest emotional state after seeing one of the people he cares about most taking a near-fatal blow that was meant for him. I’d be shocked if he remembers anything about the aftermath (including the way he flew into a mindless rage afterwards) right up until the point when he entered the OFA Interstellar Party Void with Tomura. anyway, so I thought that was a nice callback.

and speaking of emotional states, the other thing I wanted to talk about is the part that Caleb got right which the fan scanlation didn’t. “but I had more to say.” in other words, “stop trying to win on your own” wasn’t just a one-liner; it was meant to be the beginning of a much longer speech. “there were other things that I needed to say.”

like, can we just stop and talk about that for a second. because basically what this means is that in that instant, when Kacchan pushed Deku out of the way and got impaled, his one and only thought was that he needed to apologize to Deku. his life was presumably flashing before his eyes, he had no idea if he was going to survive or not, and the only thing on his mind was how urgently he needed to make things right with his former childhood friend.

moving on!

so I have a confession to make, which is that I am relieved to see Katsuki describing this as the reason why he bullied Deku, as opposed to Horikoshi trying to retcon it into some sort of “secretly he was just trying to protect him and keep him out of harm’s way because he was worried” thing, which ngl would not have gelled very well with me. the thing is that I’m really not a fan of the whole “Kacchan Did Nothing Wrong” mentality that some fans seem to have. like, I have seen all sorts of convoluted attempts to find excuses for Katsuki’s shitty behavior, but in my view those attempts undermine what I love about his character in the first place. Katsuki is such a great character specifically because he is not perfect. his redemption arc is so compelling because he was such a giant asshole at the start. he was completely at fault, and he acknowledges this, and takes full responsibility for it. and that is fucking fantastic.

his arc is so great because it doesn’t rely on garnering sympathy by giving him a Tragic Past, or by trying to foist the blame for his behavior over on someone else. it’s an arc that acknowledges that redemption isn’t something you achieve by making people feel sorry for you; it’s something you have to earn by actively working to change and do better. and by forgoing the “misunderstood/tragic past” route, Horikoshi is making a statement that anyone can go down the wrong path, but that more importantly, anyone can also choose at any time to turn away from said path. there is only one requirement for doing so, and that is realizing that you’ve done wrong, and deciding that you want to change.

anyway, so in chapter 284 Kacchan of course had that whole speech about Deku not taking himself into account, and mentioned how that made him want to keep his distance. and a good chunk of fandom took this to mean that Katsuki’s bullying was actually a misguided response to Deku’s reckless tendencies -- sort of an “if I show him how weak and powerless he really is, I can get him to accept the reality that he’s quirkless, and that being a hero will just get him hurt or killed” type of thing. and I won’t lie, for a good while I was wondering myself if Horikoshi was really going to go down that route. and like I said, I am honestly relieved that he didn’t. not only for the reasons stated in the previous paragraph, but also because the message that would have sent -- that there are certain circumstances in which bullying can almost be excused because the bully had Good Intentions and was just trying to save the other person from themselves, and so it Wasn’t That Bad, Actually -- is all kinds of fucked up to say the least. so yeah, I’m glad we ended up steering well clear of that.

(ETA: this post was long enough already so I edited out the 3 additional paragraphs I originally wrote analyzing the dialogue from 284. but just to be clear, I’m not trying to imply that Kacchan worrying about Deku’s recklessness is a retconned thing that Horikoshi only threw into the story recently, because there are multiple instances throughout the story where he clearly is worried and in total denial of it. but I firmly believe those feelings are not what led to the bullying. they’re two separate things. Kacchan worrying about Deku is what prompts him to yell at him in chapter 1 when Deku comes to save him. but it’s not what incited him to burn his notebook and taunt him earlier in that same chapter. that action had a much meaner and more selfish motivation behind it, and I’m glad Horikoshi didn’t try to change it up last minute, because it wouldn’t have felt right.)

thankfully as of this chapter I think we can safely cross that out as a possibility, as we’re given the true explanation straight from Katsuki himself. and the truth is that he bullied Deku out of insecurity and jealousy and fear and intolerance. there was nothing noble about it. there were no good intentions concealed in his actions. there are no justifications given, no excuses offered, and no mitigating circumstances to be considered, other than the fact (which neither he nor Horikoshi bring up) that he was and is still a child, and that children make mistakes.

it’s an explanation that challenges many of fandom’s ideas on who is and isn’t eligible to be redeemed. there is no Ozai in Katsuki’s backstory. there’s no great tragedy that he spent a lifetime trying to rise above. the only villain in Katsuki’s story is Katsuki himself. the only darkness that he has to overcome is his own. and it’s challenging, because I think many people believe the only way someone can be redeemed for doing bad things is if bad things happen to them in return. but what Horikoshi is saying here is that that’s not the case. bad doesn’t erase bad. and the one and only way to truly earn redemption is by doing good.

and that’s what makes this such a phenomenal scene for me. by not shying away from Katsuki’s flaws and failings, and having him take full responsibility for them, Horikoshi keeps the apology from being self-serving, and underscores the true depth of Katsuki’s character development. the level of self-awareness he has here is something most people can only dream of. which is very fitting, as that’s perhaps the most important takeaway from his character arc -- that it’s only by acknowledging your own weaknesses and flaws that you can learn to overcome them and reach your full potential.

one last thing to point out here, which is that in the panel where Katsuki finally acknowledges his terrible treatment of Deku, Deku is not even visible. instead, Horikoshi drew the panel from a perspective that makes it appear that Katsuki is addressing this particular line not just to Deku, but to all of his classmates.

again, he shows him taking full responsibility and admitting his wrongdoings in front of the people whose opinions and approval he cares about most. and just to clarify in case there’s any confusion from Caleb’s translation, Kacchan’s wording makes it very clear that he wasn’t just “mean” to Deku, but that he full-on bullied him (he uses the same verb -- “ijimeru” (苛める) -- that he did back in chapter 284). there’s no attempt to downplay his actions here.

moving on now, this chapter also reaffirmed another thing about Deku and Kacchan’s relationship which I was glad to see revisited -- Kacchan’s unwavering belief in Deku’s ability. this is one of those paradoxical things about their relationship which I’ve always been fascinated by, but which is also kind of hard to explain, because I don’t want it to come off like I’m trying to put a positive spin on something which was unequivocally awful. like, please don’t think I’m trying to say that Katsuki’s bullying of Deku was in any way a good thing. but that being said, there’s also a strange irony at play here, which is that Katsuki’s jealousy and insecurity also betray the fact that even at his very worst, he never once underestimated Deku. he has always believed in Deku’s strength, even when that strength pissed him off and made him afraid and uneasy.

no one else -- not All Might, or even Deku’s own mom -- believed from the get-go that Deku could become a hero. but Katsuki never once counted him out, even when he was calling him a pebble in his shoe. he confesses here that even though he “tried to act superior by rejecting [Deku]”, in truth he was never able to shake the feeling that Deku was above him. long before he ever understood the concept of “win to save”, he knew instinctively that there was a strength in Deku’s heart that couldn’t be measured, and which had the potential to surpass even his own strength. and I’ve always felt that this was so important, because it’s the one aspect of their early relationship that hinted that on some level, however subconscious, Katsuki held the same type of faith in Deku that Deku always held in him. it was one of the few things that hinted at there being a possible path towards reconciliation one day. and it paved the way for the most important shift in their relationship to date, when Katsuki finally realized who Deku got his quirk from, and responded not with resentment or spite, but with acceptance.

moving on, I also really love the way we see them portrayed at the different stages of their childhood throughout this speech, and how it perfectly lines up with the dialogue. from small children (when Katsuki talks about his insecurities first manifesting), to middle schoolers (when he talks about the bullying), to high schoolers (when he talks about the past year and everything he’s learned at U.A.). Horikoshi really didn’t have to go that hard, but he did, and that’s why we love him.

and then we finally get to That Part.

where do I even start with this there are so many things omg.

the bow. this is the one and only time Katsuki has ever bowed to anyone of his own volition as far as I recall. and this absolutely is a bow, just to be clear, even though his form is straight-up garbage (very Kacchan-esque, with his feet and arms spaced apart because he’s still a punk after all). this is Kacchan showing more humility and respect than he’s ever shown to anyone else in his entire life.

regarding “Izuku”, I actually have mixed feelings about this to tell the truth. I think it was a good call here because it was incredibly effective in setting the tone and showing just how serious Kacchan is. however if he continues to use “Izuku” rather than “Deku” from here on out, that would give the impression in hindsight that all his past usage of “Deku” really was meant as an insult, which would undermine some of my favorite scenes. I would really like to believe that since DvK2 or thereabouts, Kacchan has (mostly) been using “Deku (affectionate)” rather than “Deku (useless loser)”, lol. but if he switches to the “nicer” name on a permanent basis following his apology, it implies that the previous nickname was indeed being used cruelly. and so honestly I hope this was just a one-time thing, because I do think that in Katsuki’s mind, the name “Deku” hasn’t been meant as a slight to him for a long time now.

“my truth/this is what I truly feel” -- the word Katsuki uses in Japanese is honne (本音), and if you’re familiar with the concept of honne/tatemae, that’s the same “honne” he’s talking about here. it means that he’s casting aside all of his walls and facades and expressing what he truly feels. and of course, one of the fascinating things about Katsuki’s character is that he’s the exact opposite of most people in that he chooses to put his meanness on full display to the public, and ironically it’s the kindest parts of himself which he tends to keep the most carefully guarded and hidden away. this also means that while his rage and anger are very often insincere and put on just for show, those relatively few occasions where he lets his humanity truly shine through are pretty much 100% genuine, as is the case with this one here.

and Deku’s face says it all when it comes to how powerful those moments can be as a result.

and this, right here, is why it wasn’t enough for Katsuki to atone solely through his actions, and why he needed to actually say the words as well. it’s not that the words are more important; obviously the actions are far and away the most important part, and carry far more meaning. but the reason why Katsuki needed to say the words as well is simply because Izuku needed to hear them. needed to, and deserved to, because this is one of the most important people in the world to him.

and so he deserves to know that the relationship isn’t just one-sided, and that he is just as important to Kacchan as Kacchan is to him. he deserves to know that Kacchan understands how horribly he treated him, and that he’s sorry for it. and he deserves to know that Kacchan, without any expectation of it changing their relationship -- meaning that he will continue to feel this way regardless of what Izuku says or does from here on out -- cares about him. now more than ever, with AFO out there doing everything in his power to make Izuku feel as alone as possible, this is something that he really, really needed to hear.

so this part has some interesting wordplay which neither Caleb’s translation nor the fan scanlation was really able to get across. basically, in the Japanese version, when Katsuki talks about “those ideals”, Horikoshi uses the kanji for “ideal”, but pronounces it as “All Might.” obviously the meaning of this isn’t too hard to decipher, as we all know how much both boys admire All Might. to them, he absolutely is synonymous with the Ideal. so this is a way of showing that respect they both have towards him, even as Katsuki goes on to point out the one fatal flaw that All Might was never able to overcome.

and speaking of interesting wording, as others have noted, at this point in his speech Katsuki switches from “temee” (which he was using earlier during the “your strengths and my weaknesses” part) to “omae” (“omae” being a less insulting word for “you”, though still very manly and tough-sounding), which is definitely a big deal. though fwiw this is not the first time he’s used “omae” for Deku (he switches to it briefly right after DvK2, when he tells Deku “you had the strongest guy lay the groundwork for you -- don’t lose”, and then later when they’re walking back to the dorms and he says he’ll learn and get stronger by watching everyone around him just like Deku did). it’s definitely a good choice on Horikoshi’s part though, as it makes this last part of the speech sound more earnest and sincere.

just a quick note, he does indeed use a plural pronoun here, as in “the obstacles that you can’t overcome, we will overcome.” but as @pikahlua pointed out, the “we” here is ambiguous -- it could either mean “we” as in class 1-A -- “we will overcome them for you” -- OR it could mean “we” as in all of them -- class 1-A and Deku. “we will overcome them together.” idk about you, but I know which one gets my vote.

anyway, and so this is the line that finally wins Deku over and allows him to let go of his fears, however briefly. what I love about this is Kacchan’s utter conviction. one thing that Caleb’s translation doesn’t quite get across is Kacchan’s use of the word morenaku -- “without exception” -- when he talks about how they’re going to save everyone and win. it echoes that same sentiment he showed back during the Joint Training arc -- that it’s not a perfect victory unless they save everyone. every last person. and he explicitly lists Deku among their number, just so there can be no doubt.

and Deku’s response to this (or at least his thoughts, since he’s not really able to get many words out) pretty much brings everything full circle here.

he acknowledges that everyone else has gotten ahead of him. which is especially meaningful given who he’s standing directly across from. because for most of the series, as we all well know, it’s been Kacchan who was woefully lagging behind Deku in the character growth department. but now Deku himself is acknowledging that not only has Kacchan finally caught up at last, but that he and the others have surpassed him. which is only temporary, I should add, as I have zero doubt that Deku will catch up again soon. but the fact remains that just as Deku’s rapid increase in strength and skill left Kacchan scrambling to keep up earlier in the series, Kacchan’s extraordinary character development has now left Deku in that same position. as All Might once put it, “when he’s starting at level one, and you’re already at level 50, it’s only natural that you’ll be growing at different rates.”

and what’s so wonderful about this though is that the two of them are finally approaching that point where they’ve both caught up to each other and are finally starting to level out. Deku is a full-on badass, and Kacchan is out here talk-no-jutsuing with the best of them. the two of them have been chasing and chasing after each other this entire time, and now they’re finally just about ready to meet in the middle at long last, with each of them fully embodying both of those two crucial aspects -- win, and save.

just about. because Deku still needs some help catching up. but seeing as help has already been offered -- and accepted -- I can’t imagine it will be very long now, and I can’t wait to see him finally overcoming those fears and doubts with his friends by his side. it’s going to be such a powerful moment.

and last but not least,

or, as I prefer,

you had one job, Caleb. flkjsdlk.

but at least this provides a good opportunity to note that unlike the “we’ll help you handle it” line earlier in the speech, here the phrasing is left up to interpretation, as he doesn’t use a pronoun. so it could be “we know”, or, as the fan scanlation put it, “I know.” or it could be both. regardless, it’s good stuff.

anyway, and so Deku passes out, and in the process Horikoshi gives us one last parting metaphor, just in case anyone still thinks Kacchan is all talk because they haven’t been paying attention for the past 322 chapters (more likely than you think). once again, Katsuki’s actions speak louder than his words (even his nice words) ever could: he is literally there to catch Deku when he falls.

so that’s it! my sincere thanks to anyone who actually read through all of my endless ramblings about this scene which I have been waiting for since day one. props to Horikoshi for taking on an impossibly difficult task, and pulling it off with all of the emotion and care and nuance that I’ve come to expect from his writing. imo he delivered on every single level with the exception of the aftermath, which I don’t consider to have actually happened yet. Deku’s part of this is definitely a “to be continued.” but yeah, as far as Kacchan’s part goes, 10/10. so fucking proud of this kid.

#bnha 322 #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #bakudeku #bnha meta #bakugou meta #deku meta #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha

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bi-bard · 2 years

Text

Him and His Aftershave Hit like a Drug - Dean Winchester Imagine (Supernatural)

Title: Him and His Aftershave Hit like a Drug

Pairing: Dean Winchester X Reader

Based On: erase me

Word Count: 1,204 words

Warning(s): making out, mentions of sex

Summary: (Based in the earlier seasons) (Y/n) felt dumb the moment they decided that a rebound would be a good idea. Luckily, they don't end up feeling completely alone when an old friend shows up.

Author's Note: Not gonna lie, this is probably the most suggestive thing I've ever written.

Part of my Lizzy McAlpine writing challenge. Find the masterlist here!

Hey! I did a rewrite of the ending of Supernatural. It took a really long time to complete, so it would mean a lot to me if you check it out. Here’s a link! (it’s on my personal account)

---------------------------------

I felt like a complete idiot the moment that I stepped into the bar.

Not only was I completely overdressed for the small-town dive bar, but I also had badly misjudged the entire environment of the bar. I think my brain got a little ahead of itself when it was imagining what this would all be like.

After a rough ending to a relationship, one of my friends suggested I go out and look for something "fun". I would've originally shrugged it off. I typically prefer wallowing in self-pity from the comfort of my couch instead of in a bar full of people. Still, she persisted, not stopping the pushing until I agreed to give it a shot.

So, here I was. Giving it a shot.

I had hoped for a calm-ish night of just trying to spot a person at the bar and then just going from there.

Nothing could ever be that easy.

I walked in wearing a nice outfit to a bar that was not meant for calm in any way shape or form. I walked in at maybe seven and there was an alarming amount of people that were already shitfaced. I ignored their drunken yelling, singing, and spitting on the floor as I hopped onto one of the barstools and grinned at the bartender.

"This does not look like your scene," he commented as soon as I sat down.

"Nice to know I'm obvious," I replied with a shrug. I didn't hate the energy here. I was just hoping for something different.

He chuckled, "What can I get you?"

I rattled off a drink and tried to look like I was comfortable there.

It was not easy.

It was a new situation, and I was thrown into the deep end alone.

I had resigned to staring at my untouched drink and not even attempting to talk with anyone.

"(Y/n)," I turned around to see Dean Winchester standing a few steps away from me. "Hey."

"Oh, thank God," I said with a laugh as I stood up and hugged him. "How are you? I haven't seen you in ages."

"It's been good... busy," he replied. I knew very well that he wasn't going to go into any kind of detail, so I didn't push for more. "What about you? You don't seem to be in your... normal environment."

"I really just stick out like a sore thumb, don't I," I chuckled as I sat back on my seat. He acted like he was considering the idea; tilting his head from side to side and shrugging. I punched his shoulder. "You're an ass."

"Sorry," he held his hands up. He pulled himself into the seat next to me. "You didn't answer my question."

I sighed and looked at my drink for a moment. I tried to blink away any tears that wanted to form, "I... I got dumped."

"Oh," he muttered. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine," I shook my head and waved it off. "My friends pushed me to try to have some fun... so here I am. Trying."

"Do you not want to be here," he asked.

"Better than hiding at my place," I replied simply. "Isolating isn't healthy."

"You're just isolating in public, (Y/n)," Dean pointed out. "You're hiding over here."

I just shrugged.

"Well, I refuse to let you drink alone," Dean promised, slapping the bar once. "It always looks less sad when two people are involved."

I let out a chuckled and nodded, "Thank you."

"Don't mention it," he said as he spared me a smile before waving at the bartender.

--time skip--

It all seemed like a great idea.

Just a night spent drinking with a friend. It was going to be great. Far better than my original plan.

Or so I thought.

It turns out that I didn't need to be tipsy to make stupid decisions. I just needed to be sad and have someone listen to my ranting and rambling.

There had been a dip in the conversation where I was just kind of staring at Dean. I think in any context other than this, I would've looked like an absolute creep.

"You alright," Dean asked after a moment.

I just leaned over and pressed my lips to his. He froze for a moment but then moved to touch my waist with one hand.

I blacked out any memory that could've been formed between the end of our kiss and walking up to Dean's motel room.

I didn't even think to question where Sam was, I just knew he was gone.

I was just happy to let Dean kiss me as long as I got some kind of affection. Just something other than the isolation that I had been dealing with for these last few weeks.

I was able to ignore any thoughts that could've stopped me.

For a while.

As Dean set me on the motel bed, a switch seemed to be flipped. My brain suddenly was overwhelmed by guilt and 'what ifs' and every other intrusive thought that could have occurred. Every question about this and my ex and what's going to happen in the future. I couldn't do this.

Dean started kissing my jaw just as I felt tears in my eyes.

I started hitting his shoulder frantically, suddenly feeling like I was suffocating in my thoughts.

"Wait, wait," I said as I shoved at his shoulder a little harder.

He leaned back, sitting back on his knees so I had enough room to sit up. I curled up by his headboard, refusing to look up from my knees.

"Are you okay," he asked.

I put a hand over my mouth, hoping to cover the sob that wanted to come out.

"Hey, hey," Dean scooted forward but didn't touch me. "Did I do something wrong?"

I lifted my head but still didn't look at him. I shook my head. It wasn't his fault that I felt like this. My brain was being an asshole and I knew that much.

"Do you want me to drive you home," he asked. I shook my head again. I couldn't be alone. Not anymore. "Okay. Do you want to talk about it?"

Again, no.

"Want me to stay?"

I nodded for the first time.

"Okay," he replied. He shifted so he was sitting next to me. "Whatever you need, I'm here."

I didn't respond or move, but I hoped that he knew that I appreciated him.

After a few minutes, he slowly reached over and held my hand. A silent reminder that he was there. I responded by leaning my head on his shoulder.

The silence and the comfort slowly started to calm my thoughts. Not all of them, but enough for me to start falling asleep on his shoulder. This wasn't going to be easy. I knew that from the start. I knew that I was going to get dragged through pain.

I never thought that I'd have someone by my side through it. My friends were great, but they all just wanted me to move on.

Dean was the first one to make me feel like it was okay to be stuck. As long as I was trying.

He made me want to try.

---------------------------------

Masterlist

What I Write For

Some Original Characters

folklore/evermore Writing Challenge (and Masterlist)

Maisie Peters - “You Signed Up for This” Writing Challenge Masterlist

#dean winchester imagine #dean winchester fanfiction #dean winchester x reader #fanfiction #imagine #x reader #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural imagine #supernatural x reader

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rcksmith · 3 years

Text

Geniuses — Five Hargreeves

Request: “Hi! I am just the annon that recently sent the request 3,11,16 and 22. You asked what I wanted, I forgot to put that I got them from the “fluff” prompt list. I am so sorry!! And don’t worry! It’s not your fault I didn’t see the list 😂😂 but thank you so much! I really like your fics and your writing style so much! 🥺🥺💖💖”

Fluff prompts:

3“You’re staring again.”

11. “Wow- you look…amazing.”

16. “I love you. You enormously stubborn pain in the ass.” 16. “I heard that!” 1 .“You were supposed to!”

22. “well the probability of that is 0, but you go ahead”

A/N: We not tolerate any pedophilia here !!

I write about Five with their 20s. I write the same about the characters of Harry Potter.

Haha love, it’s okay💖💖 i hope you like, because I really like to writing tis. Thank you for resquest. Love u❤️

English is not my first language, so I so sorry if have a mistake.

Requests are open. Love you ❤️

Couple: Five Hargreeves/Fem! Reader.

Warnings: nothing, just bad words and fluff.

(gif not mine)

— — — — —

It was fun to think that Five never had an equal opponent, someone as smart, canny, sarcastic and ironic as he. Five Hargreeves was always used to being the smartest person in the room, always being the one with the quickest response on the tip of his tongue.

And, well, it was fun to think that it all went up in the air when you showed up.

You were cruelly intelligent, able to correct errors in Five's math equations, sarcastic and always had a cheeky smile on your face. You weren't used to being underneath, which is why when Five wanted to show that he was better than you, well, you wouldn't give up.

But unlike the time traveler, you didn't have super powers, you weren't extraordinary, you didn't have any skills, but that didn't stop you from being equal to him in every other way.

Whenever Five wanted to come out on top with the argument that he had powers and you didn’t, you raised an eyebrow, looked at him as if he had made a basic math mistake, and said: “I don’t need powers, I’m a genius, you should try to be one too.” And it made him furious, and, truth be told, you just liked to tease him too.

But just as the two of you had personality differences, the ability to handle emotions and people well was different from Five. You were kind, funny and wanted to make people comfortable around you. Being a genius didn't mean you shouldn't be a nice person, and Five usually forgot about it.

As you and Five spent more time together, it became clear that you two were no longer able to stay away from each other. Five liked (secretly) to have someone to really talk to. Someone that understood and followed his line of reasoning, that understood the equations he did, and that considered him a genius instead of crazy with some reasoning.

Being with you was like, for Five, meeting another human being in a dog-only world, and when he kind of told you that in other words, you laughed out loud and said: “Or how to find an equal sign in an equation.” And that's when he felt his heart pounding for you.

Five remembered when you beat him in chess for the first time, no one had ever done it before, and he agreed to play with the full awareness that he was going to win again. Well, that is not what happened.

When you checkmate his king, Five was stunned. He leaned over the board, looking at the pieces as if they had created a head. And you laughed, leaned back in your chair in a victorious smile.

“This is impossible.”

“it's actually just intelligence, why don't you use it now and then?” You were kidding, it was obvious, you couldn't stand hurting people and Five knew it. The dynamics of the two of you who were exchanging barbs.

“You must have stolen or something, this is very much your style” He returned, eyes on you as you laughed “Let's play again and I will give you a the most brutal defeat.”

“Well the probability of that is 0, but you go ahead” You accepted, first because you wanted to show that you would beat him as many times as possible, and second because there was nothing you liked more than spending time with Five.

The matches started, and you won every time. And when the sunset and the breeze was cold, you and Five looked at each other, with the peach rays of the sun illuminating their faces, and the mutual smile they gave out sweetly.

He were really enjoy the game and you knew that, and he knew you not just want the victory. You two know Just more matches would make you spend more time together. And... Five didn't remember if anyone ever really engaged in a game just to want to be around him.

But things really got more real and serious when Vayna asked you to go to one of her violin performances too. And, well, you wore a long, red dress, firm in all the right places, and Five couldn't get his eyes off you just one second.

It was as if, when he saw you, all the equations in his life had been solved. And a single thought rang in his mind: “I want her”

And the certainty of that was absolute. He wanted you as an overwhelming force, which shook his whole body. He needed you like needed oxygen. And there was no way to deny that anymore.

But it all happened in a fraction of a second, and you had just chosen that moment to approach him and ask:

“So, how am I look? Are you going to make a little joke about berries or something?” You laughed.

But Five could think of nothing but that if there were the personification of sin and perfection, it would be you. He looked at you as a whole, a fucking beautiful woman with a fucking brilliant mind. You are incredible and he had no other adjectives for you.

“Wow- you look… amazing.” You felt all the intensity and truth in that sentence, and your heart pounded in your chest.

For, truth be revealed, you had dressed up for him. Because wanted him to think you were beautiful. Because you thinking him were a young God with all the vigor and beauty.

Five really wanted to focus on anything but you. Not In the swing of your body, in the outline of your lips, in how he wanted to put you out of that dress. He really tried. But his eyes were always drawn to you at the end of the effort, as if you were the only thing worth seeing.

“You’re staring again.” Luther whispered in his right ear, while Five kept his eyes on you for a moment that seemed to him seconds, but to Luther it was hours.

But who could blame him? You looked like a mirage, too beautiful to be true. And Five wanted to record every detail of it in memory.

“Take care of your life!” He replied, taking his eyes off you.

After that night, Five already knew that he could no longer keep his hands off you. He couldn't just look at you anymore when the hunger to touch you started to hurt physically. As soon as you got back to the mansion, he grabbed you by the wrist, in a strong, firm grip, and pulled you with him as he climbed the stairs towards his own room.

Five needed you. A kiss, a caress, a body-to-body contact, anything, he just needed it. And it had to be now, he not wait for you to go home and come back later, he couldn't wait days...damn it! He couldn't wait seconds!

Then he knocked and locked the door behind you when you entered the his room.

“What the hell?” You rubbed your wrist that he must not have measured how much firmly him hold you “You're acting like a nut and I thin ...”

But Five didn't give you time to continue. He couldn't give you time. He could not explain something that for him was still a mess. So he showed you.

Five came to you in big, determined steps, and he fit your face in his hands before tilting and sticking his lips to yours. And then the world seemed to make sense for the first time.

Everything was suspended. The people, the rotation of the earth, the wind, the noise of the streets. Everything went into a black hole and was no longer important. The only thing that really mattered was you. And Five kissed you until the oxygen was strictly necessary.

“I have been waiting for this for some time.” You confessed, and Five blew out a low laugh, answering you with another kiss that ended up taking you to a bed and messy sheets.

After that night, Five became more attached to you, and the relationship grew stronger over the weeks.

“You know this is wrong, right?” You said as you took a look at the equations he had made that afternoon.

Five looked at you with a frown, irritation in his eyes, but you were trying to contain your laughter.

“You have nothing else to do no?”

“Besides seeing your accounts wrong? No.” You had fun, taking one of the white chalk Five was using and erasing an equation from it, redoing it in the right way.

You could feel his gaze on your back, but you did your best not to laugh and return the chalk complacently.

“Now it's right.”

Five looked at the account you redid, and gave you an expression of so few friends that you couldn't control your laughter anymore.

And his expression closed even more. You shook your head and were already on your way to the door when when you heard him mumbling:

“I love you. You enormously stubborn pain in the ass.”

Then you laughed even harder and turned to Five, who had been doing his math again on the walls of his room.

“I heard that!”

“You were supposed to!” He countered without even waiting a second, and then you came back towards him, the laughter still present in your voice, your eyes full of play and love.

You put your arms behind his waist, still with the remnants of laughter coming from yours lips, and leaned your head against his broad back.

Five felt and heard your laughter, and then controlled himself not to laugh too, before giving yours hands that were hugging his waist a few gentle pats.

“You are unbearable.” You mumbled, but full of love overflowing with the words “But I love you.”

Then Five laugh came and he exchanged pats for an affectionate affection on yours hand, signaling that he also found you unbearable, but that he loves you.

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rywritten · 2 years

Note

how did you get into both dreamnap and dreamnoblade? where is the connect and the appeal, i really want to know.

ive answered a pretty similar question to this before (which you can read here) but since this is asking for both dreamnap and dreamnoblade, ill try to answer as best and as detailed as i can. please note that some parts will be a direct copy of my previous post, but all in all this is pretty much the entirety of my dsmp experience, meaning there's lots of new Ry lore™ to read about lmao

so, without further ado,

here's a real-time recap of my slow decent to madness pt. 2 (aka falling in love with Dreamnap and DNB, then starting a side blog dedicated to these two amazing ships™)

includes reaction memes for funsies and also to provide a visual for all of my recent emotions as i traverse the dsmp fandom firsthand

ok, let's gooooooooo

starting this off with how i got into dsmp in general. so i actually knew about dsmp way back when the fandom was just starting (bc who didn't? this fandom was the talk of the town (derogatory) given the hate most people gave it for being #cringe) ive seen the way other fandoms have clowned dsmp fans (mainly dream stans) and i for one, did not enjoy being clowned at, so yeah i dipped and did not look into the lore too much given the circumstances. at that time, i didn't really know anyone except for c!dream given that he was the one (1) character that piqued my interest, and he stuck to me bc of the smiley face mask and i really liked the fanarts i saw of him back then, even when i had no interest to join the fandom back then.

(narrator voice, ominous: she was in it for a surprise)

visual image of myself (back in December 2021, ignorant of what's to become of me later on)

so flashforward to the year 2022 where nothing is real except for the eraser shavings on my desk and the half finished wips collecting pixelated dust on my laptop for months and boom i was reintroduced to dsmp but this time there was interest bc this time around, i was reintroduced to c!dream via a really nice animation by sadist and since i had no other fandom to hyperfixate on during these trying time, my lizard brain was all like:

but as soon as i consumed every sadist dsmp animation known to man, i realized something very quickly, my love for c!dream is all encompassing, but there's still room in my heart for maybe two (2) more characters, which i why i was led to the simple conclusion of finding more characters to love and cherish along with dream, hence why i found sap and techno, my two other beloved.

so my love for dream, sapnap, and techno is rooted on the fact that i personally love all of their character designs, also i just find it quite fascinating how powerful and dangerous their characters are individually, and at that moment, my brain went decided to ask me a question that would change everything:

my brain 🧠: what would they be like together?

me 🤡: you mean like a team, right? platonically??

my brain 🧠, crackling: no.

[cue alarm bells ringing in my head]

so yeah, the possiblity of shipping c!dream with the two other characters ive come to know and love was now a very big possibility (mainly bc i want my fav boy (c!dream) to be loved and cherished, and who better to love and cherish c!dream than my two other favs???) <- sound logic, me thinks.

so after maybe two hours of looking for fanarts of the characters dubbed as a green teletubby, an arsonist, and the blood god (all in that order) ive found etcetera art's insta and twt account, full of amazing fanarts of all three of them, and i knew i was onto something when i wanted to see all three of them together...

(note that scavenging through twt for a dsmp fanart is a nightmare if you don't really care abt the other characters, bc let me tell you, you will end up finding more fanarts of that character than who you were looking for in the first place)

so a lot more digging around and i found out something very important about sap and techno when it comes to dream:

for sapnap: "And they're childhood friends in the lore. oh man, they're childhood friends in the lore???"

and for techno: "And they're rivals in the lore. oh man, they're rivals in the lore????"

i zoomed in on these two facts immediately and began my quest to look for more animatics, fanarts, and even fanfiction focusing on two things: dream and sap's dynamic AND dream and techno's dynamic. i looked for content regarding their rivalry and friendship and i even found the tags #rivalstwt / #rivalsduo (for dream and techno, which i initially thought was considered both platonic and romantic, so you could imagine the sheer devastation i felt after finding out on the same day that shipping them is not in fact considered "morally acceptable")

and for sap and dream, i found the tag #dreamnap (which, as it turns out is not as popular or as widely accepted as i thought it would be, surprising given that dreamnap oozes childhood friends to lovers so much, i thought everyone loved childhood friends to lovers???)

(me, as soon as i realized i was the only one in the c!technodreamnap agenda, i will not be stopped)

initially i was ok with the whole platonic rivalry (for techno and dream) and the friendship (for sap and dream), but the more i was fed this idea that shipping c!dream and c!techno is wrong, the more i felt compelled to like it. and the lack of fan works for dreamnap was getting to me, i was itching to make my own fics for these two ships the moment my two braincells connected and formed a critical thought.

plus, i already knew i was going to fall in love with BOTH dreamnap and dnb (bc dnf is just so boring and this ship never appealed to me even back then plus karlnapity isn't for me, i dont like q and k lmao) the moment i found out that they're the three strongest characters in the dsmp lore + the other canon events in the story like doomsday and the life debt dnb keep owing each other throughout each important event is enough fuel for me to keep this ship sailing, and the fact that despite how they only consider each other as business partners, c!techno still rescued c!dream from prison knowing the risk and c!dream still remembers the mountain where they first met (how am i not going to romanticize this? how??)

and then there's the fall of dremanap in the canon lore, the heavy implications, the angst, and the fact that no matter what happens, they are each other's downfall as much as they love and care for the other (that's some very fucked up trope that we all need in a childhood friends to enemies to lovers dynamic, imho)

so in conclusion, my love for dreamnap and dnb started from curiosity that led to shock and bitterness that fueled my spite and the burning need to consume and create content for the only two (2) ships that i actually find interesting in this entire fandom.

it's a crime that there's so little content for these two ship, a crime i tell you!

so yes, im BOTH a dreamnap and a dnb shipper and my entire side blog is dedicated to block men: 500k words, slow burn, childhood friends to enemies to lovers as well as rivals to rivals to lovers, pining, angst with a happy ending, doomsday husbands and chaos husbands 😌❤️💚🤍

this concludes my very long and unawaited part two of my slow decent to madness™ post. i hope my experience (as well as my suffering) was at least entertaining to read! and i hope i managed to answer you question, anon (and maybe get you to consider shipping this with me)

bc spreading the c!technodreamnap agenda is what this entire blog's about. 🎉

#ry.plies #anon #ry talks meta #dreamnap #dreamnoblade

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writing-in-april · 3 years

Text

Soured Nostalgia

Spencer Reid x Female Reader

Summary: When Reader moves their stuff in to Spencer’s apartment they find photos that he kept over the years. One photo of the past springs up memories of Spencer’s precious relationship with Elle.

A/N: hey heeeyyy everybody- here’s a fic I’ve been really excited to share with everyone. It’s my eleventh fic for my 30 fics in 30 days!!! This was the original request (I made it a little different lol I hope you like it)I had a fun time with it mostly cause I totally think Spencer and Elle had something going on at some point 😉 Plus I got to incorporate older angsty post prison Spencer and mention how he used to be a little baby ☺️ I’m curious to hear y’all’s thoughts about the Reidaway ship, or really anything so feel free to drop an ask to my inbox here. Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy!

Warnings: 18+, Smut, Joking about being jealous???, Reidaway in the past, Spencer being sad about the people who’ve left him, Sub Spencer, Only a bit of dry sex, Masturbation, Unprotected sex, Use of a belt to restrain, A few taps on the cheek, Reader’s hand is around Spencer’s throat for a second

Main Masterlist Word Count: 3.2k

Reminiscing on the past was difficult depending on how the story had ended. Memories that may have been happy could turn too painful because of the ending result. Age turned the memories into unreliable accounts as well, unable to truly remember how things had been back then and how you had truly felt.

Memories were still something to hold onto and cherish even though they got twisted with age and opinion. Nostalgia, a sentimental or wishful affection for the past, was an addictive feeling even if it made you cry. It remained addictive even if most of your past memories had hurt you with no sentiment attached. Everyone always chased the euphoric feelings they had when looking at the ghosts of their past. Sometimes even when looking back you can find something that had once soured had turned sweet again.

Spencer had many memories that he was no longer able to look back upon for a host of reasons. Most often it was because he could no longer bear to look back on a memory of someone who had left him. Whether it was his Dad, Gideon, Hotch, Blake, Elle, and many others, looking back at them just made him often feel like everyone in his entire life had left him.

That wasn’t true of course, he still had his Mom- and you. Even with his Mom there were still many of his memories with her were still stained with guilt, though that had gotten better with time and with your help.

You had begun helping him find the benefit in looking back, trying to make the soured nostalgia a bit sweeter again. It was getting easier as time ticked by for him to open up to you about everything in his past, the good and the bad. At first you had been staring at a wall that he had been building higher and higher throughout the years, it was daunting how tall it was. When you helped take a sledgehammer to it, making it crumble beneath your effort, he pulled away for a while. He felt comfortable by himself behind his own Great Wall until you showed him the benefits of sharing the secrets he held behind it. But, you still stayed, helping him as much as you could until he was willing to open up.

It had been many months since you started your effort to help him break it down. At some point in the last months you had both fallen into a relationship, a romantic one. What had once been a platonic relationship forged from shared interests evolved into a romance emerging from the rubble of his wall.

He had even given you a key to his apartment at one point, which he had never done with anyone except the bureau. Emily was the one that really had it, but that was strictly for work reasons. This was a show of trust which was much more helpful than his wall that had reached the heights of a skyscraper.

A simple key soon turned into you staying at his place more often than at your own. You had casually mentioned one day while watching one of Spencer’s favorite documentaries that you basically lived here now. It was a true statement, most of the clothes you wore on a daily basis had been given a spot in his dresser and the toothbrush you kept there was not the one you used for travel- that one was at your place. You had begun to put your mark on Spencer’s life in a more permanent way than before.

When he had spontaneously suggested the next day that you should move in with him, you knew that your small comment had stuck in his brain. It was easy to agree to, you had said you basically already lived here, plus living with the love of your life sounded like a dream. You only had a few things that you wanted to bring over and it was mostly decorative stuff that you could’ve let go if Spencer hadn’t insisted that he wanted you to make the space your own.

While turning the space that was once solely Spencer’s into something for you both, you had found a small clear box with a blue lid, filled with pictures. Spencer didn’t have a lot of personal pictures framed, there was one with you and him by the bed, one with the team by his desk, one with him and Morgan on the living room wall, and one with you two and his Mom also hung up in the living room.

When you had shown him the box he could tell you were curious, letting you look through it without a moment of hesitation. In the past Spencer would have been wary sharing his memories with you, but now he’d let you look. If only you could get him to look at the box with you.

You weren’t surprised he didn't want to look with you once you saw the people littered throughout the snapshots. Varying people that had left were in most of them, even some you never met.

Ones with Hotch and Gideon- even one from a long time ago with his father buried at the bottom. As you browsed through them you were glad he was able to hang up that photo of him and Morgan, at least they had parted with some closure. It also helped that he still saw him regularly, he had never fully left like some of the people from his past.

One picture in particular stood out to you, it was another team photo, they seemed more carefree in this one compared to now. There was baby Spencer, before you had known him, in a birthday boy hat smiling with the rest of the team. You guessed it was around his 23rd or 24th birthday, going by the slick back gelled hair he had sported in his earlier years. He seemed so much more different back then, perhaps more carefree compared to now. But, he also seemed much more unsure of himself, maybe a bit self conscious. In the photo you could tell he was nervous, just by the look in his eyes. He still had that same look in his eyes whenever he felt nervous.

Then you looked closer at where his eyes were focused on, there was a clear line of sight from him to Elle. Elle was way less nervous in this captured moment compared to Spencer, though from what you had heard she had always been like that.

Your gaze on the photo was broken when Spencer then came into the living room where you were sitting on the couch.

You decided to test the waters to see if he might want to take a look at the photo with you, “Why do you look so nervous in this photo?”

He stopped the path he had been taking, then stood still for a second before deciding to sit next to you on the couch. Straining his neck he gazed over at the photo you were holding in your hands. It was silent for a while as he looked over it, stopping to look at his old team. Some of the team still remained intact, namely JJ, but she wasn’t the same as she had been all those years ago. You let him take it from your hands, so he could look at it closer. He cleared his throat a little, though his voice still came out slightly raspy when he spoke, though he didn’t answer the question you had asked him,“It’s the only picture I ever had taken with Elle…”

“I know you guys were- close.” You didn’t ask your previous question again, sensing that it was still too much to talk about in specifics. What he was telling you right now was even more than what he told you, only telling you that she was his first, everything. Any supplemental information was from talking discreetly to JJ about it one night because you were somewhat curious.

Tiptoeing around the relationship you knew that they had previously was like walking through a minefield. You tried the best that you could to avoid making him too upset. When you got him to open up, it wasn’t by forcing him to talk all at once. Busting the wall down was done brick by brick, not all at once.

“I’m glad you aren’t jealous of her.” His comment was said with less sadness than before. It was nice to see a glimpse of the weight coming off of his shoulders, even if it was just for a moment.

“What? Do you want me to be jealous of her?” You teased, lightheartedly so he wouldn’t dwell on the sad aspect of their past relationship. He smiled softly which deepened when you playfully stuck your tongue out and crossed your arms.

“No- you’ve got nothing to be jealous about…” Any playfulness in his voice was erased as his sentence trailed off. You didn’t say anything for a moment in case he wanted to continue his thought. And, after a moment of silence he did, “I haven’t spoken to her since she left…”

“I know- I was just joking about being jealous. I know how much she meant to you…” His eyes moved away from you, at first you thought it might be because he was still feeling the pain of losing her all those years ago. But, there was something else in his eyes, it naturally made you curious, “What are you thinking about?”

“If you were jealous- what would you have done?” His mind must have shifted away from thinking about the ending of his memories with Elle, which was a step in the right direction. At least he wasn’t avoiding the topic all together, he was still talking about her in a sense.

You bit your lip, thinking about what direction you could take this in. You weren’t going to lie, your mind had gone straight into the gutter at his suggestion and by the look on Spencer’s face so had his.

“Hmmm…” You pretended to ponder while you moved from where you were sitting on the couch to sit on something better, Spencer’s lap. Straddling him then with ease you looked down at his face tracing his cheeks with your fingers. His pupils were blown wide now, almost completely devouring his iris that had become a small ring. He didn’t say anything yet, waiting for you to continue your thought obediently, “I think I would do things to you that I suspect she never did.”

He gulped hard, hard enough that you could hear it. You continued to trace your fingers along his face, sometimes picking a lock of his hair to twirl, waiting for him to say something else like you knew he wanted to. It only took a few more seconds of your touches and your eyes staring into his own before he asked, “C-Can you show me?”

You stopped your movements, pausing for dramatic effect before crushing his lips onto your own. He squared into your mouth at first, clearly taken off guard by your sudden kiss. Before he had processed what was going on enough to let you, you forced your tongue into his mouth, earning you a delicious moan from him.

When you moved again suddenly, separating your mouth with his for just a moment, he tried to chase your lips. Pushing a finger to his lips you then used that to push him back into the couch, then answering his question, “Gladly.”

You kept your finger on his mouth to seal them shut. He could have opened it easily to respond to you, but he wanted to see what you might do next.

Instead of going back to kissing him you started to pull his belt off of him. It was difficult with one hand, taking much longer than it would be with two. But, you still kept your finger rested in the position most people use to shush someone.

Once the belt had finally been pulled from the belt loops of his slacks you finally removed your finger from his mouth. He still remained quiet, his eyes following your every move intently. You then went to work, pinning his hands above his head, then beginning to restrain them with his belt.

“Did she do this to you?” Goading him while you looped the belt around his hands. You made sure to go as slow as possible while you restrained him just to make it last longer until you gave him what he wanted. You even began to grind down on his cock a little bit, it obviously ached to be free from its confines in his trousers by how strained the slacks were getting.

“No!” His voice was broken and breathy, exactly how you wanted it as you tightened the belt around his hand a little more.

Once you were satisfied that the belt was tight enough you got off of him to remove the shorts you had been wearing, along with the rest of your clothes. Normally when you were naked and Spencer was clothed it would be when you were underneath him as a sort of power play. In this position, where he couldn’t move without fear of consequences while you restraddled him completely naked was almost even more empowering.

To play with the dynamic even more you had him remain confined in his slacks for a while longer, while you touched yourself. You were already quite wet from seeing Spencer in this position and exerting that power by pumping your fingers in you while he could do nothing had you dripping onto his slacks.

Spencer’s jaw had gone slack while watching you moan above him, completely speechless from your actions. It was almost comical and entirely too easy to tease him about, “Close your mouth you might catch flies.” His mouth clenched shut at that. It soon fell slack again at your next words while you brought yourself closer to the edge with your fingers, “What? Did she never do this for you?”

All Spencer could do was sit there and take it, shaking his head side to side, only a little so he could keep his eyes on you. You decided to be merciful, pulling your fingers out of you just before you orgasmed. You wanted to finish at the same time as him anyway.

Finally, you pulled his aching cock out of his slacks. It was throbbing in your hand as you spread your wetness with the fingers that had been inside you. Because you had edged yourself earlier, you couldn’t take teasing him any longer. You lined the head of his cock that was red and weeping up to your entrance, sinking down as fast as you could take him. While you sunk down you rubbed your clit in slow circles, not enough to make you orgasm, but enough to make it easier to take him.

Once you had fully taken him you wasted no time, immediately beginning to build up a fast pace. And, of course you couldn’t help but goad him again,

“Did she make you feel this good?” Your pace you had chosen was rough, bouncing and rolling your hips with reckless abandon while he had to take it without being able to move. He could have thrusted up into you even without the use of his hands, but he had one too many of your punishments in the past to be willing to break the rules so explicitly. Now if he ever broke the rules now it was him subtly bending them. Though, you could tell by the way his eyes rolled back into his head that he had no intention of doing that tonight. It felt too good to be used like this by you.

He still had not answered you though, not on purpose, but you still needed an answer. Tapping his cheek a few times, just hard enough to get his attention. It caused him to whine, but he still didn’t give you an answer. Since that didn’t work you decided to ask again, “I asked you a question. Did she make you feel this good? Did she use you like this?”

To add an extra edge to your words filled with a deadly tone you reached one of your hands forward to grasp around his neck. To make him look at you directly you forcefully tilted his neck, eyes once again trained on yours. He finally found it in himself to answer, “It felt good with her, but it feels best with you! I love you!”

“Good.” You simply stated and dropped your hold on his neck so you could return it to its place on his chest, using it as leverage to help you continue your fast pace. Your orgasm was fast approaching, his cock hitting you in the perfect spot, all you needed was a bit more stimulation. When you brought your hand down to run fast circles onto your clit, you soon fell apart above him. Spencer couldn’t help but look up at you in awe, speechless at how beautiful you look while you writhed on top of him.

Your own release pushed Spencer close to the edge and he started to beg, “I’m gonna cum! Please, can I?”

His hands had tightened into fists above him, knuckles going white over the effort of keeping them right where you had placed them originally. You were pleased with the way he had begged, glad that he had asked permission before even thinking about cumming. You still left him in suspense for a bit longer as you continued to work yourself on his painfully hard cock. Pressing a few kisses to his exposed skin under his collar was admittedly just to torture him a bit longer before you finally gave the command.

“Cum for me then.” Spencer followed your command eagerly, taking only two more of you bouncing on top of him to release inside you with a groan. While he rode out his release his lips captured around one of your pebbled peaks, sucking hard to get one last moan out of you.

Slumping forward after you had both finished and you had taken the belt off his wrists with the promise you’d lotion them up after you cuddled. You rested your head on his shoulder, wanting to stay as close as possible for a little while longer. He started tracing his fingers up and down your spine, relaxing you even further, almost to the point of falling asleep.

Before your eyes closed shut in post coital sleepiness your mind wandered a bit back to Elle. Elle had been an important figure in his life, his first real connection with someone special. Sure you teased about being jealous, but you thought it was important to tell him that you were ok with him thinking back on her. You knew he loved you. It most likely would take time till he was able to think or talk about her without a sharp pain in his chest, reminding him of how it all ended.

He hadn’t told you exactly what had happened, but it wasn’t hard to fill in all of the gaps. You turned your head, eyelashes fluttering when you nuzzled into his hair. Then you spoke quietly just enough so the sound could travel the short distance to his ear, “You should frame the picture, you look cute in it. And, I meant to say it earlier, I love you too.”

Ask Me Anything

—-

Tag lists (message me if you want to be added):

All works: @shotarosleftpinky @90spumkin @kyra-morningstar @s1utformgg @takeyourleap-of-faith

All MGG characters: @muffin-cup @willowrose99 @princesssmooshie

Spencer Reid/CM: @calm-and-doctor @destiny-tsukino @safertokiss @slutforthegubes @onlyhereforthefanfics @jareauswifey @princesssmooshie

Sub Spencer: @thatsonezesty13 @pastathighs @virtualpeanutartisanjudge @calm-and-doctor @princesssmooshie

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fanfic #matthew gray gubler x reader #matthew gray gubler #matthew gray gubler smut #mgg #mgg x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds smut #30 fics in 30 days

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