#I wanna give up in the worst way
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More and more I’m beginning to question the existence of the kinda love I thought existed.
Maybe there’s a reason you only see it in the movies. Maybe it just really doesn’t exist.
So many people wanna appear happy online in front of all their peers, but I wonder how many of them are as happy as they pretend to be. I know my fair share of one’s who aren’t.
I wanna be for real happy. I don’t wanna be fake. But I don’t know if that’s even real.
#personal#I’m a little fucked up right now#and I’m just tired#mentally#I wanna give up in the worst way#sometimes I wonder what is gunna set it off when I finally lose it#mental health is a bitch#and I’m fighting it hard#but tonight it’s winning#and tumblrs where all the break downs go#because it’s not like I’ve got people to talk to#I like to have my breakdowns in private anyway#don’t need to worry anyone#but it’s gotta go somewhere so 🤷🏻♀️#sorry I’m high. I’ll shut up 🤐
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nickel and balloon would be so much more interesting if people explored the way nickel became everything awful that balloon used to be but so much worse ironically all in the name of "protecting" everyone from that history repeating. and not softboy tsundere yaoi or whatever is going on in those tags rn
#meeple.txt#inanimate insanity#iii they could so easily make me hate you.#nickloon arc was the worst thing to ever come out of iii#unnecessarily long and stupid and hilariously poorly written#i actually feel insane seeing how many people just accept it at face value as The Canon#i know it Is canon but i dont care. Heart❤️#we need to bring back the fandom energy of collectively rejecting the shitty writing#nickloon arc did not happen its ok. take my hand#in my heart nickel digs himself a deeper hole of denying he did any wrong and everyone at most tolerates him#fits his character built up by s2 so much better and parallels other characters too#somewhere deep in his head i feel like he knows hes wrong. but by god it should not have been that easy to ''fix'' him#hes going to deny it until it kills him bc that means facing any regret or deeper feelings he doesnt wanna deal with#and that means admitting he made mistakes which is a huge blow to his ego#and his Cool Tough Leader personality#hes not gonna give that up so easily#and i dont think its in character for him to change within the timeframe of the show tbh . at least with the time they have left now#thats like a post canon Maybe to me#the only way ill accept it really
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life's hard when you're soft
you've got our love
#ts4#sims 4#the sims 4#s4#simblr#ts4 simblr#i love this song so much but i can't stop relating it to theo and his mom and it's making me ill#this picture very eerily resembles the 'inbred' cover do you see it.. i think it's the dead stares into the camera#anyways if i was taking family pictures of everyone else you know i had to include these fuckers too. sigh#not berating the kids of course. my babies i love them. notice how the one smiling is literally the worst person there..#that one elliott smith lyric that's like 'i wanna hurt him i wanna give him pain' yeah that's me right now to sarah#there is something gravely wrong with the hadley bloodline. let me post a family tree cause hadley and hadley-coy are different.. kind of..#oh god these tags make it seem like i'm alluding to.. yk.. for clarification I'M NOT!!! they're fucked up in a different way#oc: theodore#oc: alice#oc: benjamin#oc: peter#oc: sarah#equi/cholia: screenies
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Sakura gets a second point for being the first to complete the tree climbing at being better at chakra control, but at the same time it just feels like she was made good at it so no extra training segment time would have to be put into her getting good at it and it can be all about Sauce and Nart. Idk that feels too pessimistic but also could totally be true.
#she takes on a very 'obsever' role. like kashi is the teacher watching over them. but sock is the watching and commenting from the same#perspective of nart and sauce and also the viewer unlike kashi. cuz he provides a lot of exposition and whatnot in his inner monolgues#and its like. of course the girl is just the observer who watches alongside us as the two main boys grow and develop#AND I DONT WANNA FUCKIN BE PESSIMISTIC ABOUT THIS BUT GOD ITS IMPOSSIBLE!!!!#but her whole character so far is 'i hate the class clown. im book smart. i diet and im in love'#and the way i see it is. 12yo girl TRYING to fit into the femininity she sees in the world around her so she forces herself to be like this#but she has inner sock who speaks what she really feels showing that she puts on quite a front and isnt really much like that at all#and you expect her to grow into wanting her to truly define herself. and she does with getting stronger and training under tsunade and#learning medical ninjutsu so she really finds a spot for herself. she does!!! but then she KEEPS hanging onto the love nonsense#and admittedly there are moments that push a very obvious trope of thinking she likes sauce cuz hes cool but finding out that the real 'gem'#is nart so i definitely understand where n@rus@kus are coming from#but then she just STICKS with sauce until its the worst ship possible and its an utter mess of 'ill never give up on him'#EVEB DESPITE HIM TRYING TO KILL HER!!! THEN THAT FUCKING WORKS OUT!?!?!?#AND TOO THIS DAY SAUCE STILL NEVER COMES OFF LIKE HE ACTUALLY LOVES HER#IM SORRY BUT ITS TRUE. SARD WE ARE GETTING YOU BETTER PARENTS. ON GOD!!!!!#so she just hangs on to this one little thing that she SHOULD have gotten development for to move on from BUT IT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENS#so its like half her development never fucking happens and thats why it#s such a fuckinf mess!!!!!#i fucking hate this show. i need to go back to watching mike's dino game vod. what am i doing here?????#i did this to myself btw. i didnt need to start yelling about that but thats just how it is with nart#start thinking about something good and then it reminds you of something related thats bad and now its like. yeah this shit sucks#remember when kishi said he regretted not making hina the heroine???? we could have lived in a better timeline.#but if i say that i will get assassinated#anyway.#sock count#personal
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me: shit why cant i tell people close to me that i love them when i havent been smoking
my brain: you dont trust yourself or anyone to say what they actually mean and also *** **** ***** *** *** **** ***** *** *********** ** **** *** ***** **** **, ***** ** * **** ***** *** ***** *** ********* ***** ** *** and when you smoke you typically only say it in a joking context so youre not worried about people taking you seriously anyway
me: ok real and true, pass that shit over here
#problems!#for context i am not actually smoking right now bc its late and ive been crying all day and i dont want to develop any habits#but erm epiphanies be like#genuinely feel fucked up abt this at times. because my sober brain does not like words of affection or admiration#or at least. doesnt take them well#im so used to backhandedness or apathy or ambivalence that like. the idea of someone saying they care about or love me#is very. perverted in a way. terrifying is a better word but honestly its like a switch turns on in my brain when ppl say that to me#that just Assumes The Worst or twists it into something terrible and awkward and then i just. dont say it back or i deflect#and then when im stoney baloney i say it more and im more affectionate and its like the switch isnt even part of the wall anymore yk?#and ONLY when i smoke sativa 😑 indica keeps me normal i fear#this just means that i have to be more careful when i smoke now i dont wanna give off the impression that im some sort of ooey gooey mf
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lol that post got super derailed off the bat (nobody’s fault but mine for being smarmy there tbh) but the point stands. before you call any creature with feathered wings I make “angel” please imagine me being very miffed about it and then do as you wish
#bakuspeech#like. I think the thing here is you're just misreading the piece if you go in looking for angel stuff#which literally doesn't matter really but I'm up in arms about it the way authors are about their worst character being fan favourite#idk man. do u know there are big birds on our copper drums#they're neat and they're cool I like them a lot#anyways. this round of comms is finally done!!#sorry to the last client in the bout for taking so damn long skjghdkj I just. I don't think I like working with a light table#or. I'd like it better if its bigger. I'd just like it better if I have more space in general probably#currently it's just like. I have to choose between my tablets and my ink. and switching is a Big hassle#I'll try to figure out something for it!#but the news for now is: I'll take the next week off comm stuff. to unclench my brain#got a Bunch of stuff I wanna take care of. before the month ends#so uh! we'll see about stuff! if ur here for the ink comms please look forward to that coming back in a week!#also I'm gonna reblog the recent stuff again. I've just been head in sketchbook/paper not giving a shit abt anything#I need to see sunlight again. man. boy
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Saw some art of Zenos punching the fuck out of someone (assuming the WoL) til his fist is bloodied and grinning while he yells "SAY IT! SAY 'I LOVE YOU' BACK!" and am so fucking abnormal as I imagine Arkhe doing that to someone too....... Even more abnormal imagining him doing it to Zenos himself............
#ask to tag#he and Arkhe are the same in like 99% of ways Arkhe would be your worst nightmare if you want him at his most toxic#it's just that he knows how to be good to his romantic targets of affection unlike his fellow brick shitter#if you WANT him to be like that though.....he can do more than live up to your expectations#because good fucking god I wanna see him beat someone shitless with a crazed look in his eyes like a predator that's caught his prey#and he and Zenos are perfect for each other in that regard they'd both do this to each other so often#especially since Arkhe never gives Zenos what he wants in verbal affirmation traps and he can't be swayed by words#FUUUUUUUCK DUDE FUUUUUUUUUUUCK EXPLODES
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i really want to finish all my unfinished art before i turn 15 but im so burnt out rn 😭 </3
#i have two days#including this one#i wanna draw#but also i fucking hate drawing#but i love drawing but i HAT EIT AND ITS THE WORST AAAAAUUGGGHHHHHHHHH#mostly because i just wanna feel like less of a failure in some way#art for me is about 50% passion and 50% a crippling desire to prove that im not useless and an idiot#so because of the lack of stability there i always end up with a dozen unfinished art projects#when i cant live up to my own expectations i give up#i think this is me still clinging to my childhood in a way#i always wanted to be a child prodigy but i never had talent or skill in anything#so now that im rapidly getting further and further from childhood i feel a desperate need to prove that im not worthless#its like#my 15th birthday feels to me like how jonathan larson did about his 30th. is that fucked up to say ..#aaaaaaaaaaa :’) i want to finish all the art i promised but i genuinely just. cant#chase said something alright#sigh. i have ideas#im plagued with visions but i have none of the time#i want to draw patrick and pete#i want to draw the cast of community all smiling and stuff. because i love and adore all of them#id like to finish my vampire dallon art but im So Bad at shading without reference#i so desperately want to just share my art and feel okay but I CANT ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH#IVE MADE SO MANY EMPTY PROMISES ABOUT FINISHING ART AND SHARING ART AND AND AND FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#someone tell me im not useless#<- dont do that im responsible for my own happiness#anyway UM. sorry if you opened this#you know what. in spite of everything i didnt do at least um. uhhhhhhhh#i won a 3ft tall shadow the hedgehog plushie at a carnival.
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today I’m obsessing over Outdoor Pool by Maisie Peters
#it’s not even my favourite song from ysuft#but today I couldn’t stop thinking abt it in the shower#first of all the switch from ‘you ask me if I wanna come out it’s a Wednesday night I just took off my makeup hope my dad don’t wake up’ to#‘tell me where I went wrong I’m crying and it’s ruining my makeup hope my dad don’t wake up’ makes me go insane that’s so offensive#ALSO ‘is she gonna be your girlfriend guess I misunderstood it’s the worst day of my life but it’s all good’#I was fifteen NOW IM FIFTEEN AND A FOOL!!!!#the way you can picture everything in the song WHERES THE MUSIC VIDEO MAISIE?!?!??#the vibes are just so good every lyrics sets the scene so nicely#i can see them in the outdoor pool!!! except she’s not swimming and he’s not in love!!!#also didn’t she say once that she had written like parts of this but couldn’t finish it bc she couldn’t like make it make sense and then#folklore came out and she was like ‘OH I can make it make sense if I don’t write it from MY pov but rather from a 15 yeard old’s’#so true tu Taylor folklore is the gift that keeps on giving#Maisie Peters#outdoor pool
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I can see why it might be confusing that this is a video game blog but I routinely post gifs and pictures of a clearly real human being, and the only thing I have to say in my own defense is that he’s video game adjacent because of Judgment so it counts 😅
#she speaks#sorry lol but on the bright side you all get to see kimutaku pics on the daily#and idk I just think that’s not the worst compromise right?#I’m out here judgment posting 10 times a day in queue too so it evens out#double dose kimutaku in both video game and irl form you’re welcome#I really wanna make a judgment only discord server but I cannot be responsible for it it would be a disaster#there’d be like one room cuz I’d give up#and the only rule would be don’t be a dick because I cannot be bothered to come up with an entire rule set omg#oh well#this is off subject but#god the file I’m working on right now is so terrible#it’s from 2008 and omfg I’m dying#the audio is a nightmare#and I’ve done 20 minutes of a 60 minute file#more or less#and it’s a bizarro case so I have no frame of reference for the terminology#so I’m literally just guessing my way through it#my ears hurt#and my brain hurt#and I wanna go to bed
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The Remind menu art was a mistake
#kingdom hearts#like i get why it exists i really do#i also think the throne art was a mistake but i'm less bitter about it cause you could come to any conclusion with it#but the remind art is the worst offender#really giving everyone the wrong idea like that cause no remind wasn't what people thought it was gonna be#like obv it was about saving kairi so yeah that makes sense#but the way people took it in the complete opposite direction it was meant to be taken bugs the hell out of me#also i don't wanna see kairi's broken spine when i boot up the game#or her too short dress#i never wanna see that much kairi leg ever again#but yeah you give the kairi stans and sokais a crumb and suddenly they think kairi's gonna be the next protag#which like#look how that's turning out lol
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u ever look back on a situation you were in and think to yourself “Damn That Was Kinda Fucked Up Actually.”
#[tldr if im being noticeably anxious on discord its just The Horrors dw abt it]#not rly a vent but i kinda just wanna talk about this#(lying)#feel free to not read the tags lol#so like. last year i was friends with this person on discord right#she was about about a year older than me and lived in canada (<-- unessential info)#we met thru some discord server and started talking more. which was going fine#i helped her with some art project she was doing and it was nice to be able to talk to someone during lockdowns#but as we grew closer i sort of became her 24/7 emotional support??? i guess?????#thats what it felt like#so like she had a lot of shit goin on right. like her family was abusive; she was depressed; she wasnt able to keep friends;#like it was a whole thing#i dont wanna give too much detail cause its someone elses shit but u get the idea#anyway i ended up becoming one of her few friends that she could talk to regularly. it was alr for a bit but it just became draining#like she would SEMI REGULARLY just talk at me saying how depressed she was and how shed considered offing herself before#textbook traumadump style#of course that wasnt her fault i dont wanna make her look like the bad guy here but. still#worst part of it was that her anxiety would spike big time if the person she was messaging was online and didnt respond within 5-10 minutes#like 24/7#which just made those moments way worse cause i am SHIT at offering comfort /especially/ at that age#so it just became this huge stressor for the both of us whenever she started something like that#for the last couple months before we cut it off id considered just telling her i didnt want to be friends anymore BUT#id seen in real time her other online friends cutting her off with their reasoning being she was too much to handle#and i didnt want to make her feel worse than she already felt. and i feel bad for saying this but she was genuinely too much to handle#thankfully she was the one who cut it off first (her reasoning she was jealous that i didnt have abusive parents and could keep friends)#literally the few days after we stopped talking i felt WAY less default stressed and i realised our friendship was taking a toll on us both#i still feel bad about this but she tried messaging me a few weeks later asking if we wanted to be friends again and i just. blocked her#i was in fuckin Survival Mode after realising how fucked up the situation was. 20/20 hindsight. and i just didnt want to go back#i shouldve actually talked to her and explained how i felt but. oh well i guess#but yeah we stopped talking a year ago and i think im still a bit fucked up from it lol
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#ay ay ay. my head feels like its stuffed completely full of cotton. bulging at the seems#its just that wrung out ive been crying too much feel. i just had to do a bunch of application stuff yesterday night#and there were way too many tears so i work up out of focus with salt in my eyelashes. so i wasnt that productive despite the fact i really#need to b rn. and i met with my boss for our weekly meeting and its just so many things i have to do#like theres this procedure for some new equipment we have and im testing it out but like she wants to see it in action and im like treading#close to dangerously unstable so the chances i burst into tears in public is quite high which is why i hide in my apartment and only go to#the lab when no ones there. but no im prob gonna have to go in Thursday and have to go drive like and hr away next week so we can hopefully#have all the equipment we need for another project thats gonna kill me. plus we got contacted by a group we were gonna work with last year#who wanna work with us again. which is objectively good like itll look real good on a cv to b involved and like even non science ppl would#prob find it cool. but i csnt feel any of that bc i dont kno how im gonna be able to go back and forth contacting the other lab group i#have to work with in order to do everything. which its like itll b fine#ive done it before. 2 of the 3 things i have done before so itll be fine. it just doesn't feel like it#it feels like im dissolving into pieces and everythings spinning too fast. theres a film between myself and everything else so i cant touch#anything and it cant touch me.#and its weird bc i know that burning myself out is what got me here but i still cant detatch myself from the soul crushing guilt of not#making every second productive. its disorienting bc my brain will b like: u should just stay here over break and get stuff done#and like no. thats objectively the worst thing i could possibly do. i just feel like a wet glob of paper towels. ive already committed#myself to only 13 days being gone. only have to trudge through like 21 days 1st. how? no idea#like im sure itll b fine but somethings gotta give before my brain implodes beyond repair. if were not there already#ay everytime my boss says something nice abt me to someone it just feels like a knife in the gut. like shes not lying but i just feel like#ive fallen so far that shes talking abt a past verson of me and it makes me sad. like idk how obvious it is but im sure i have terrible#vibes irl lol like the sort of pained twisted up little smiles u make when u dont wanna lie but u dont wanna b honest ay#itll b fine. i can feel the floorboards giving way so somethings close to giving just have to see where and in what form the metaphor#actulizes. hopefully it does so quickly bc im bored and tired of living like this. and i dont really wanna go home and explode into tears#like a child and have my parents deal with me. which they would bc theyre great. i just dont wanna worry them sigh...#unrelated#i should sleep bc i gotta get up and burn my brain out being a scribe tomorrow morning. at least i get to hang out with someone cool
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i am going to drop out of college i swear to FUCKIGJGN god… i’ll do it… don’t test me… however the fuck many more years of this shit NO!! i can’t do it bros!!!
#hella venty tags just fyi#gotten to the point that i just want the most boring repetitive bullshit job i don’t need passion anymore i’m so done#just give me some boring ass tasks no one else wants to do idc anymore i just don’t#i’m not smart enough for this shit i hate tests i hate essays i hate the way they make us learn#i used to love learning so much but i just Don’t Want To anymore#and that SUCKS. yknow there was a time i wanted to get my phd.#now i’m not even sure i’ll be able to get my associates#i’m case y’all can’t tell i am NOT enjoying my classes this semester#midterm week has me ready to go lay down in the forest and become one w the moss#how did they manage to make shit like philosophy and anthropology. things that i VERY MUCH ENJOY. be so stressful and upsetting#these are things i LIKE and things i WANT TO LEARN ABT and yet i just want to give up so bad#i just don’t care at all anymore. and it sucks because i LIKE my philosophy professor. he’s a really nice guy#but the workload is insane and this midterm is even more so#don’t even get me started on anthropology. that was supposed to be MY CLASS.#i was supposed to be ALL OVER THAT SHIT. instead i have the worst professor i’ve ever had and i can’t even make myself WANT to do this work#it’s so fucking upsetting. i used to care abt learning and knowledge and school. i used to. but holy fuck#especially learning online like it’s great for some aspects but professors do NOT understand workload online#i’ve got two and a half hours before this fuckin midterm. then i have another essay to do for anthro and then a midterm for anthro#both due by tomorrow night. and i forgot i have a concert tomorrow night too. fuckkkk i don’t wanna go man. i don’t#i’ll shut up now but fucking fuck
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father ruining shit for me once again. i been on medicaid for the last almost 5 years but just recently got cut off. i have top surgery in THREE DAYS and my plan was to not get insurance until after bc im having it at a not for profit hospital i was gonna get on an out of pocket payment plan w them then file to have the medical debt erased but my mother in law ran into my father yesterday and said he has had me on his private insurance (for 5 years ?? and ive never used it ????) and one of the few times i ever said anything to him was in 2021 (twenty twenty ONE) i told him dude take me off ur health insurance its fucking w my medicaid (i couldnt get T for like 6 months) and he was like okay when open enrollment starts or whatever ill take u off. what the fuck im so unbelievably pissed. MIL also said he seemed like he was on meth or very drunk so. they met at aa so as u can imagine this was very jarring for her jtfo.
#she said he was like 'i just wanna know if he's having surger cos i dont sant him to idk u know what i mean if hes having surgery im#gonna fight it cos i want him to have the best care ' blah blah like incomprehensible shit#but yk. could tell from all that that he found out im havibg surgery cos his insurance told him#which. if he does actually pay for it (and he has no way of contacting me abt it bc i changed my number and he has a hardship license so he#cant just pull up to my house or job) then thats fire. reparations motherfucker#cos i told his ass take me off your insurance 3 fucking years ago and i still have my old phone i never deleted a message from him just in#case and hellooooo i will take your ass to court behind that djdbdjdjdjd#im NOT paying no 15000 to NOBODY i dont give a FUCK what for#worst case scenario i was gonna just leave that shit unpaid since medical debt doesnt hit ur credit score anymore#and its. a childrens hospital theyre only operating on me since technically they treat anybody under 25 so its unlikely that i will br#coming there again jdjdjdndkd#damn i had a whole ass plan to photoshop my paystubs to look like i make less 😭😭#cos not like im makin bank bank but i just got a raise that puts me over 250% of the poverty line which is the cutoff so i was finna.#art department my checkstubs djdbdjbd#he speaks
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I hit the arbitrary "high number" and now my brain has immediately gone from doing that to just. As the kids would say. Game Ending it all. Why can I not be normal for like 3 seconds.
#prolly delete later this is personal and prolly triggering lmao I'm just having A Night#like I was already feeling suicidal anyways but it just went thru the fuckin roof as soon as I hit the number and decided tk take a break#like I know I don't Really want to do it. I've felt this way literally since I could form memories. but fuck if it wouldn't b nice to try#and not just 'try' but give up right before actually trying to do it#(I am safe for now dw /gen)#armchair speaks#worst part is I know it feels high now but in like a month I'll wanna have it doubled so.#tw implied suicide#tw suicide mention#tw implied sh
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