#I was thinking of drawing Tess too but like AFTER I finish my paper

[biromanticbookbabe]

Sam and Cat from Lip Service (2011-12) in 1920's style clothing.

[robots-and-writing]

A Cold Night In With The DJD

(TW: Cards Against Humanity, general dirty talking)

Tarn shivered in his office, a fuzzy blanket draped over his shoulders. It didn't do much, with the heating on the Messatine out for the day until repairs could be done. For now he would focus on paperwork to take his mind off the cold. He had personal reviews to read, repair papers to sign, the work had started piling up on his desk.

"Tarn?" Helex ducked into the office, the heat from his smelter warming up the room.

"What can I do for you, Helex?" Tarn let the blanket fall to the floor. Helex's warmth was enough to keep him comfortable.

"The others are in the rec room trying to stay warm, do you want to join us?" Tarn had been previously invited to join his team to stay warm and play a few card games. "I know it's not your favourite game, but we're about to start a round of Cards Against Cybertron." Hm. Helex was right. Tarn didn't like that game. But, he mused to himself, it will be valuable team building experience.

"I'll go." Helex's face showed a brief flash of surprise before he spoke.

"Sweet! I'll head back to the rec room, the others are waitin' for me." He gave a wave with one small hand and left. Tarn grabbed his data pad and soon followed suit. It wasn't too long before they had arrived at the rec room door, the lively conversation taking place inside audible through the door. The door opened to sighs of relief as the warmth of Helex's smelter returned, and the room started heating back up again. The other DJD members seemed surprised that Tarn even bothered to come, and even more surprised that he would participate in the game.

Kaon dealt out ten white cards for every player and put the black cards in the centre of the circle. "I'll be the first card czar." Drawing a card from the pile, he read out the prompt.

"I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure what you're suffering from is called… blank." 

Tarn looked at the cards he had in his hand. They were:

Unfathomable stupidity.

Having sex for the first time.

An older bot who knows their way around a spike.

The blood of primus.

Shaking a sparkling until it stops crying.

Poor life choices.

Licking things to claim them as your own.

Fellowship in primus.

Soundwave talking dirty.

A live studio audience.

Hmm.Tarn decided to play it safe, and tossed Poor life choices into the pile of white cards. He was still deciding if he was going to seriously play the game. Tarn could go with the typical responses. That meant likely not winning a single card. Or he could relax. Go with what he wanted to do. It is a team bonding exercise after all, it only makes sense to participate fully. 

Soon, everyone but Kaon had tossed a card in the pile. Kaon cleared his throat and read the card.

"I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure what you're suffering from is called…

Land mines. Yikes." Tesarus stifled a giggle.

"A microspike." Helex, Nickel and Tesarus laughed. Kaon only sighed in feigned exasperation, hiding a smile.

"Poor life choices." 

"Ghosts"

"Being rich." Kaon took a second to think over his choices. 

"Come on!" Tesarus chimed in. "The microspike has got to win." Helex was full on laughing at this point, Nickel was smirking next to him. Kaon glared as best as he could at Tess before declaring his verdict.

"Who played the Microspike?" Nickel raised her hand to nobody's surprise.

*********

"Do not go here! I found blank in my energon!" Helex read out. Tarn considered his options and decided to put The blood of Primus in the pile. Once again, it was time to read the cards.

"Do not go here!" Helex read out " I found…

"Some goddamn peace and quiet"

"Prisoners of war?" Kaon chuckled at that card. 

"The blood of primus." Helex saw the next one and hit his fist on the table and laughed. The suspense of not knowing what was on the card was tense. Vos chattered on in Primal Vernacular with an impish look to his eyes.

"My- my neck, my back, my valve and my aft." Everyone but Tarn laughed, though he did smile ever-so-slightly behind his mask. He stopped when he realized it though, he didn't want to give off the impression that he was that… uncouth.

"I think it's obvious who won this round." Nickel said. "Who played that last one?" Vos reached for the black card, triumphantly hissing as he took it in his hand.

*********

It was Nickel's turn next. Helex passed her a black card, which she read with a humorous smile.

"As the carrier of five rambunctious sparklings, I'm no stranger to… blank." Tarn had the perfect card for this one. He had picked up a two new cards since the beginning:

Insatiable bloodlust 

Sucking spike in a back alley

He didn't want to piss off Nickel, he knew he would pay for it later. So Tarn put in insatiable bloodlust. It's not that he was afraid of her. No way. He just had a healthy respect for her capabilities, that's all. Definitely. She took the cards and shuffled them, then picked the top one up to read it.

"As the carrier of five rambunctious sparklings, I'm no stranger to… 

"Sunshine and rainbows." Nickel chuckled. "Hah! As if."

"Letting everymech down."

"Insatiable bloodlust. Seems more likely, I already have to deal with five full-grown mechs, I definitely couldn't handle that many sparklings without at least a little murder!" The others chuckled a little before she continued.

"Judging everyone." Nickel grimaced at the next card and sighed.

"Maximal insertion?" Everyone but Nickel laughed a little, even Tarn. Helex and Vos on the other hand, were laughing the loudest at the card."Whoever played that card can go frag themselves to the pits. Frag this, Insatiable bloodlust wins. You all suck." Tarn smugly took the point, knowing he hadn't angered the tiny medic. She was currently glaring daggers at the others. Perhaps, he thought to himself, this isn't all that bad. He was quite enjoying himself after all. And it was his turn to judge now. He picked a random black card from the stack and read it.

*********

"The DJD now tortures traitors by subjecting them to… blank." I wonder what the odds are that of all people, I would be the one to draw this card? The others certainly seemed to find it funny, chuckling quietly to themselves as they searched their hands for the perfect card. Now that Tarn wasn't looking for a match as well, he could truly pay attention to the other DJD members and how they acted.

Nickel had a sharp gaze like a bird of prey, carefully judging each white card for the right play. Kaon however didn't seem to even be reading them, leaving it up to chance. He was the first to put down his card. Helex and Tesarus were smirking to themselves as they searched their hands for a good play. And Vos, well he was constantly talking to himself. Tarn could it pick out a few words, but not many. Soon they had all put their cards in a messy pile in front of him and left him to start reading.

"The DJD now tortures traitors by subjecting them to…"

"Semi-automatic weaponry." Makes sense, though maybe a little too much sense to be funny.

"Glitter." 

"Cuddling." While he did find the idea of going gentle on a traitor despicable, Tarn smiled at the thought of it. But the next card soured that rare smile.

"Two mechs one cube." Everyone else found it hilarious. Even Kaon was laughing, small sparks coming off his Tesla Coils. They were all a little tipsy at this point, even Tarn was feeling the effects of the alcohol, but he still cursed under his breath at the fact that he had to read that sentence out loud.

"Mutually assured destruction." Tarn recovered quickly from the last prompt and pondered his choice.

"Well at least we know there's no way I'll win!" Helex chided in loudly. He always got drunker than the others on game night, surprisingly being a lightweight.

"I'm guessing the weaponry one" Tesarus was also quite tipsy having finished a few shots of strong engex. "It's Tarn we're talkin' about!" Kaon agreed, and Vos nodded along too.

"Helex?" The table was silent as everyone looked at the four-armed mech then back at Tarn. 

"Yes sir?"

"Point well won." The table erupted into laughter and cheers. And this time, Tarn joined in.

[risenfrommyimagination]

2, 15, 22 from the prompt list for tom holland x reader!

Dear Anon, first I am so sorry for answering this so late, I was off for a little, but I am back :)This is shorter than usual, but I hope you still like it ♥If you want to send me more request/prompts, here is my list or just message me :)

Every single inch of your body feels numb. Your legs walking themselves without your brain realizing that it is really happening, carrying you up to your home. You feel numb, but the cold metal of your keys lightly digging in your skin as you conquer the last few steps up to the door. Your brain shutting down, not letting you cry or feel anything. There is light behind the curtains, a soft warmth awaiting you, the sweet promise of calming down, relaxing. Laying down on the couch with a warm cup of tea, maybe some nice food, maybe Tessa cuddling up to you, trying to steal your food. And your boyfriend, your Tom, sitting next to you or behind you. His soft lips searching for your sweet spot, trying to distract you from whatever you were doing.

You wish you could do this when you enter the house in a few seconds. But you couldn’t. A sting in your heart, your throat clenching, turning and twisting as you push the key in the lock, turning it around. All this stress from the last days hitting you again like a hard punch in the face, claiming your heart, wrenching it.

A soft, familiar warmth welcomes you as you step in the house, closing the door behind you. In the mellowly lighted hallway a faint smell of food. It smells like tomatoes, onions, maybe a little bit of garlic. It seems like Tom is cooking and probably dancing a little bit, according to the tunes coming from the kitchen. Although you don’t see him right now, he is probably stirring in a pot, his eyes lightly pinched and humming to the music.

Since he is home from his last movie shooting, he does this a lot. Making you morning tea after waking you up with soft neck kisses, getting groceries, going to his work out sessions, checking in on your during your work or classes via texts – mostly pictures of him and Tessa cuddling or being outside – and then, making dinner for you. Like today.

He also dances around a lot, but this is a thing he is always doing when there’s music.

You throw your keys in the small bowl standing on the little table next to you, kicking off your shoes and feeling this guilty, wrenching feeling in your stomach.

The last weeks, better said the last ten days since he is home, it feels like you swapped roles. Exam week came around the corner quicker than you expected, pulling you into this deep, dark hole of nothingness, only consisting of hours of learning, trying to remember all the stuff for your last exams.

You’re barely sleeping, although you try and it is even harder when it is next to Tom, who is sleeping like a rock, not noticing yourself throwing around until four, five in the morning. A familiar plodding, clicking on the floor and you see Tessa waddling towards you, her tail hitting against the wall, wagging furiously.

“Hey Tess.” Reaching down to her, you pet her head as she jumps against you with all force, pressing her face against your leg. She lets out a bark, jumping up to you again and the music in the kitchen stops. “Tessa?”

A shadow falling in the hallway, then your boyfriend stepping into it and despite all this numbness in your body, you feel your heart growing a little bit.

“Oh hey.” This soft, so heartfelt smile spreading on his face. “Haven’t heard you coming home.”

“Maybe turn down the music a little bit.” Somehow, you are able to joke, although you don’t feel like it. “Maybe then you’d hear something else.”“Eh.” Crossing his arms in front of his chest, Tom glances at you with this smirky pout on his lips. “You could have said something, too.” A nudge in your direction, teasing you, but it hurts. Which is so stupid because it shouldn’t.

You made basically the same joke, too.

“Sorry.” Feeling your gut wrenching again, you turn away, taking off your jacket and hanging it on the wardrobe. “Joke.”

“I know.” His voice is right behind you, you can feel his presence surrounding you. A single, soft kiss on your cheek. “It’s nice to have you back home.” From the corners of your eyes, you catch him standing next to you, little bit behind you. Brown curls falling into his face, this faint sparkle in his eyes.

“Yeah, it’s also nice to see something else than the library.” Again, a little sting in your heart. Reminding you of the tasks you want, need to finish today. Writing this stupid exposé, researching for your term paper. Learning some theories for the exam.

“I made pasta.” His hand gracing over your back, drawing small, undefinable patterns on your sweater. “Just a simple tomato and onion and garlic sauce, but…” A pause, you can see him licking his rosy lips. “Thought you might need it.”

Another sting. Your eyes watering from this softness in his voice. How much he was caring. So much, although he was still recovering from the last two months of shooting. “Bubs, he.” The drawing on your back stops, one step closer. “Are you ok?”

You try to nod. Unsuccessfully. More tears welling in your eyes. One, then two tears rolling down your cheeks, trying to numb, to loosen up the clenching in your heart. The numbness in your body.

“Darling, he.” Tom’s hand on your waist, turning you to him, fingers wiping away the tears, brushing back your hair, leaving a faint tingle on your skin. “What’s wrong?”

So much. And nothing more stupid. “Nothing I…” Your voice breaks down in a silent sob, trying to let out this numb feeling. “Hey.” Raspness in his voice, his brown eyes so full of worries. A little despair. “What…do you…”

Want? Need. “You.” A single word escaping over your lips, making you want to sink against him, but you cannot move. “Can you…can you just hold me?”

Glimmering in his eyes, a soft nod and then he just makes this tiny little step. Arms pulling you to him, scooping you in, against his chest, your face nuzzling against his sweatshirt, that smells a little bit like garlic but a lot like him. Lips hovering over your neck, peppering one, two soft kisses on your skin, releasing single sobs muffled by his sweater. 

“He, sunshine.” Soft mutters, Tom pulls you closer. “I am here ok?”Yes he is. So much and you are not. Tears and tears running down your cheeks, washing away this numbness, making you feel something again. This soft, familiar tingle, your heart beating. Tom’s scent wrapping around you, his warmth calming you down, making you sink against him.

“Couch?” Another soft whisper. “Think you need some cuddles.”Your eyes meet in between your silence and his soft smile warming your heart. “You’re ok with his?” Tom wipes away another tear, his right hand cupping your face.

“What about the pasta?” Yes, the only thing you can say.A smile on his face. “Turned it off, will be fine for the next ten or fifteen minutes.”

“Ok.” You feel those thoughts, those little reminders creeping up in your brain again. Whispering to you. That you should study. “But I think I need to…”“Go on the couch with me? Yes.” Tom pulls you with him, Tessa following you, into the living room, which is dimmed, the couch looking so cosy and inviting. And him throwing himself on it, pulling you with him.

Soft lips hovering over your neck, arms pulling you back against his chest. Your body sliding between his legs, finding its familiar position, Tom peppering kisses on your skin, then stopping. “It’s the exams, right?”

You nod, then shrug your shoulders. Slowly. Mostly the exams yes. But also this guilty feeling in your stomach for not being there for him fully. Although he needs you, too.

“I know you’re not sleeping.” This little hint of worry in his voice and you turn to him, just to catch his worried brown eyes, the tip of his tongue skimming over his lips.

“I do, I am…” The failed attempt of a lie.“You’re not.” Tom bops his thumb against your nose, letting it wander up, then down, over your cheek. “I might be stupid most of the times, but I have to working eyes.” His finger stops right under your left eye. “And those are pretty big circles.”“It’s a fashion trend now.”

Laughter. “Not one I support.” He licks his lips again. “I am worried about you, bubs.”“You don’t have to…” Guilt in your stomach again, leaving this weird taste in your mouth. “I mean I should take…”

“Care of me?” Tom’s eyebrows flinch up. “Ooh no.” “But you are…”“Home.” Gently, he leans his forehead against yours. “And here for you.” “Tom…” Behind your ribs, your heart is beating a little faster. Making you feel a little bit more alive.

“You haven’t forgotten my name, good.” This intriguing smirk on his lips and you punch him lightly. “Don’t act like I didn’t moan it in your ear a few nights ago.” Your eyes interlock for a moment, followed by him chuckling lightly, pecking a soft kiss on your cheek.

“What can I do?” Softness in his eyes again, his hand cupping your cheek. “Think I bought your favourite snacks, I could bring you pasta, make you some tea?” With every word, your heart fills up more and more, pushing away this cold, tensing numbness in your body. “Or I could sneak out, get some pizza?” Tom tilts his head to the side, some curls flopping into his face and you brush them away lightly, feeling his warm skin under your fingertips.

“What do you want, darling?”“You.” Simple. Really simple.

“Oh.” His lips curling, him leaning to you again. “What exactly? Tell me.” There is a hint of tease in his voice. Taunting you. “Cuddles? Or my sweater?” Warm breath brushing over your lips, his voice becoming quieter and quieter. “I mean I can make you scream again, too. Harry isn’t here.”

Lips almost crashing against yours, dangerously hovering over yours, making them feel really tingly and tickly. “Or this?”

A soft, fond peck. Fingers gracing over your neck, lips searching for yours again. Moulding together and melting your heart fully. You sinking against him, in the kiss, seizing every single moment, every so tiny spark and tingle.

“Better?” Whispered against your lips and you nod. A smile curling at your lips. “Much better.”“Good.” Leaning a little bit back, Tom looks at you. Less worried. “Are you hungry?”“Yeah but…” Your eyes glance down at his chest, which is covered by his favourite grey shirt and making him look so snuggly and cosy. “Can we…stay here for a little bit?”A smile on his lips. “C’mere.”

[tessmontyart]

2020 year in review

It’s funny, last year I never actually got around to doing one of these. I didn’t think it was overly interesting. Oh 2019, how I miss you so 😭Such an innocent time ....

I’ll do a quick recap, cause hey no-one but me reads these anyway. 2019 was a glorious time. I went to Italy for the first time, went on an awesome Hunter Valley trip with my friends, had a 100th birthday celebration for my pop, I got to see the show I worked on air on TV, we saw the Lano and Woodley apartment in Melbourne .... Good times!

I didn’t give a rats about being unemployed and took matters into my own hands by making loads of new merch and selling at the most conventions I’ve ever been to. I tabled at Sydney Supanova, Adelaide Avcon, Sydney SMASH, Coffs Nexus Con, Sydney Oz Comic Con and Brisbane Supanova! I did so much travelling and events, it became my full time job. It was exhausting, but it was loads of fun, it paid the bills nicely, and it was wonderful to meet followers and mutuals in person.

My partner was very invested in counting up the numbers of what was selling and what wasn’t, and taking note of what was inconvenient with my setup and how to make it better. He even made a powerpoint presentation on what I could focus on for 2020, what kind of merch I could focus on and adding more conventions to my list. We were both excited about the idea of trying out Armageddon in New Zealand, which would have been my first overseas convention!

Cue 2020.

It started off uneasy. There were still bushfires everywhere and smoke hanging around, but I was optimistic they would die soon and the rest of the year would be fine. I booked a bunch of conventions early as usual. Got a whole bunch of new things made and ordered for the first convention of the year, Melbourne Supanova in early April. Some Acrylic charms didn’t make it in time because of COVID, but I thought that’s ok I still have a whole years worth of conventions to sell them at!

COVID-19 was just a spooky mysterious thing that was happening overseas at that point. I think there might have been 1 case in Australia, so all the toilet paper and hand sanitizer was sold out, but we were still able to do our usual travelling for the event. Little did I know, Melbourne Supanova was the first and last event I could do in 2020.

COVID hit Australia hard, Melbourne especially. There were lockdowns, quarantines, planes were grounded, airmail was halted, the cases kept multiplying, rules kept changing and changing and it was all so new and such a headache. Seeing every single convention I had booked cancel one after the other was hard to process. This was my main source of income in 2019 and now it’s up and vanished. Everyone were losing their jobs too, so the idea of getting a new job was completely out the window. 

I tried to cheer myself up by drawing ‘Toilet Paper Chan’, my new magical girl character who has the ability to summon toilet paper in a time of need 😅

I made it into a Draw This In Your Style challenge, seeing as everyone was bored out of their minds in quarantine I hoped it was something people could pass the time and have fun making. 

(here’s a handful of my favourites) I had a few entries which were all very adorable, but I admit not as many people joined as I expected. I don’t blame them though, this whole pandemic was very soul sucking and demotivating, especially hearing the constant stream of bad news when it all started.

I also made some lineart of a cute Easter girl, encouraging people to colour her in if they are bored in quarantine.

That was really fun, and I planned to do more, perhaps whole colouring books for a small price to download. 

Then, out of nowhere, my friend from the last animation studio I worked at in 2018 contacted me. “Hey Tess, are you looking for work?”

“Um .... yes?”

Work? In 2020? What?

It turns out the animation industry is one of the only industries that are doing fine in the pandemic. Literally the only change is that animators have to work from home instead of at a studio. If you have the animation software and an internet connection you have everything you need.

So my good friend had recently scored this job for a studio which outsources all their animation for their animated TV series. The role is just fixing up any animation errors inhouse to minimize the amount of back-and-fourth between studios. It doesn’t sound like much but it became too big a job for just one dude to handle, so he contacted me and 2 of my other animation friends to help out. We had a ball!

It was loads of fun, and the contract lasted the whole year! 

It wasn’t just fixing up errors either, I got to animate walking/ running / jumping / flying cycles for the overseas animators to use, which was great practice for me, and we even had a whole episode to ourselves to animate from scratch which I really enjoyed.

And then ... the year just flew by, because I was busy working the whole time. It was really quite surreal!

There were a few highlights, such as being a bridesmaid for my best friend’s wedding and organising her hens party, which is one of those once-in-a-lifetime things.

(Hens Party - it was yellow themed (her favourite colour) and High Tea.. it was adorable!)

(The bridesmaids and the bride on the Wedding Day)

Unfortunately there were some lowlights too ... This was the last year I got to see my aunt. 

She was the craziest, funniest aunt, and still far too young to go. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be the same without her.

As always, drawing is the only way I cope with anything. My family chose a plain wooden casket, encouraging everybody to write a message or draw something on it, before it would be sent to the crematorium. I drew Spotty, her awesome horse I remember from my childhood, surrounded by her favourite flowers. Monty draw Mingus, her awesome ferret we also remember from our childhood.

That wasn’t the only bad news either. Pat’s Grandpa passed away later in the year, and a handful of my friends had relatives who either passed away or were diagnosed with cancer or some other horrible life threatening disease. A musician who collaborated with favourite artist collaborated passed as well, and even though I didn’t know him personally, it was still horribly devastating. Not to mention all my friends/relatives pets who didn’t make it through 2020. There was just so much loss this year, and I’m still grieving my cousin and my friend’s mum who both passed last year, it’s getting harder and harder to cope. It’s gotten to the point where I’m paranoid about who the next person will be because I haven’t finished grieving the last ... 

All I can say is I hope 2021 is a little kinder when it comes to my loved ones. The small light at the end of the tunnel is; any suicidal thoughts I used to have frequently have all completely vanished, because I’ve been faced with the reality of it all. You really don’t realise how many people love you, people you don’t even know.

...

That was very dark, but it’s definitely something I needed to get off my chest.

Lets go back to a much lighter note. 

More highlights: 

🌻Animal Crossing New Horizons came out this year! I used to play Wild World back in the day so it was wonderfully nostalgic, and me and Pat have made the cutest little town with all our favourite villagers. It’s a nice way to escape from it all ^_^

(Monty’s island when we started)

🌻Speaking of games, the brand new Crash Bandicoot came out this year too! It was actually jaw droppingly amazing seeing all the awesome new ideas and mechanics they came up with while still keeping it classicly Crash. I loved it and I’m so excited to see if they give Spyro the same treatment!

🌻2020 brought about new and interesting ways to still enjoy Live entertainment. Lano and Woodley did a Zoom show which was absolutely hilarious, and Lights did an amazing online Dead End show which had me so pumped!

🌻Pat and I continued our anniversary High Tea tradition, this time trying it out at the Hydro Majestic hotel in the Blue Mountains!

🌻Speaking of Pat, his sister got married this year too, despite the pandemic. Congratulations!

🌻Pat randomly bought a Miku figure for himself, out of the blue, completely unravelling years of unnecessary ‘shame’ I’ve inherited caused by a pushy mother and a crappy ex. I used to love figure collecting but was convinced by certain judgy people that it was stupid and I needed to sell them all. I kept my very favourites in a cupboard ‘just incase they increase in value’. But now I can finally display them all again knowing Pat loves them just as much as I do!

We also added a ton more to the collection to make up for lost time (and because there’s SO MANY CUTE MIKUS NOWADAYS)

It’s a bit messy because we recently got new ones and need to make more space for them. The shelf with the Vocaloid nendoroids were my original ones hidden away in the cupboard, the rest we got this year ^_^ They make me so happy!

🌻Speaking of Pat unlocking things I’ve always wanted to do in the past: I am now planning to revive my old OCs Yui and Lotto! They were just characters of mine back in the day, but since I’m not good writing I never really came up with a story for them. But with Pat’s writer wisdom and my kawaii art style, I’m now planning a webcomic featuring the two cuties ^_^ It’s still in the very early planning stages but I’m super excited, and forever grateful for Pat, for believing in me ;w;

🌻This year I drew 31 more Owl City songs in copic markers, to go towards my ongoing project to draw every song! I’m actually getting quite close to my goal now which is exciting! 

🌻This year I went to a Drive-In movie theatre for the first time to see the new Bill and Tedd movie, it was glorious and now I wanted to try more drive-ins. Going out to see a movie on a big screen *without* being able to hear smart-asses or screaming babies? Yes please!!

🌻How could I forget, this was the year my idol noticed me!! Lights shared and retweeted my Deadend fanart! Life = made.

What to to look forward to in 2021:

This is the first New Year where I actually have an idea of how 2021 will go! I managed to secure another animation job at a new studio starting January, ending January 2022 😊So thats the financial security for this year sorted! :P

As for general goals for 2021;

I’m hoping to have a decent plan, concept art, chapter ideas and hopefully even a script done for my new webcomic! I also wanted to make some cute simple animations of the characters just because c:

I’d also like to just do more of my own animation in general ... I animate every day for work but I never get to do my own animated projects. It will be hard with a full time job, so maybe this can be a 2022 goal ... but hopefully I can do at least one little animation of my own!

I suppose another goal is to make a social media accounts for my animation, too. Even if I don’t fulfil my goal, I still would like a page to showcase everything I’ve done so far.

And if all else fails .... Another goal is to draw more Miku. It’s crazy that I love her this much and haven’t drawn any fanart!

I think I’ll leave it there because I’m babbling now. 😅

I’ve done so many of these now o_o

[2018] [2017] [2016] [2015] [2014] [2013] [2012]

[the-gunslock]

Amanda 3 - Hammer

Third canon-deviant fic about Amanda Holliday and her journey to being greater, from a mini-series of four.

"This one would be pret-tyyy cool…"

The burnt-blonde Shipwright scrolls through the 'Collections' of Exotics Guardians found in their journeys, analyzing their perks as she patiently waits to be called inside the most envied library in the City.

For some seconds, her emerald eyes fall on a pair of knightly silver Gauntlets that could be what she looks for. She ‘hmm’s to herself for a second, trying on some shaders, and nods in approval.

"Amanda, let's go."

Her head moves to pay attention to the Warlock that has just arrived at her usual spot at the Bazaar, greeting her with a nod as she stows her tablet away and is transmatted into the library. She makes a mental note of the name ‘Stronghold’. Shaxx would probably appreciate her dedication to swordplay.

Other pieces like Fr0st-EE5 and Transversive Steps, which do not require Light usage, would also benefit her while she fought. Good to know, good to know. So many loopholes to be exploited.

Ikora Rey had devoted the day to silent studying and rewriting of her books, still not completely updated after the Traveler’s awakening in recent times. In order to focus better, she does most of it quietly and alone in the library, save for the Hidden that appear to report to her on occasion. Today was an exception, for she allowed the Tower’s Shipwright to keep her company under the pretension that she wanted to learn, and there was no better teacher for that than Ikora.

Ikora’s library has dim, yellow lighting and a rustic aesthetic, with bookshelves and flooring made of dark wood covered with blue and white tapestry. The overall layout of the place was circular, the center having her desk and simple chairs and couches disposed about.

"So, Amanda." Ikora begins, making herself comfortable at the table and suggesting Amanda to do the same, across from her. "What do you seek?"

Amanda quietly taps her fingertips at the table, fidgeting as she tries to formulate a good reason.

"I wanna learn how to… to fight. Like y'all Guardians do."

Ikora doesn’t turn her head, but smiles.

“Is that so?”

“Uh… yeah?”

Ikora gives a chuckle as she finishes rewriting a page.

“I think not.”

“...Why not?”

Not faltering, Ikora turns her head to face her friend as she hovers her hand above the book. “Because if you wanted to learn how to fight, you would have asked Zavala. And, if the words I received are true... you already did.”

Amanda doesn’t have an answer to that, only looking at the desk and pressing her lips together, the inquietude only building up. She observes Ikora using an emanation of Solar heat to dry the ink on the pages.

“Ikora, I… want to be a Guardian. I thought I could ask you to teach me how to think like one.”

As the Warlock turns to the book again, she turns a page and looks at a previous version of the book, also spread open on another part of the table, for reference. “Okay. And why aren’t you?”

She is caught off-guard by this question. She struggles to let out her answer, and the next sentence comes out a bit more condescending than she’d hoped.

“Because I’m not a Lightbearer?” Amanda replies as if it was something obvious.

“During the Red War, we weren’t either.” Ikora says as she starts writing once more. “And I went through the same dilemma. I was lost. I looked to the ashes emanating from the City, and vowed… never again. And since I had nowhere left to go, I found myself on Io, in search for answers. As time passes me by, I realized I was left without answers, without Light, without my team... without anything to hold on to.”

“And then?”

“A Guardian found me. One of those who had made the pilgrimage to the Shard of the Traveler and recovered their Light. They could have refused, but they didn’t. They could have quit the fight, but even if they knew they were going to die, they didn’t. And their very presence reminded me that, while the terms are, indeed, very associable to the outside observer, they are not the same.”

The Shipwright listens intently as Ikora recounts her tale. There were many angles to this. Most, she didn’t consider. Multiple viewpoints are a virtue Guardians must possess.

“It took me some introspection and some... unprecedented incidents, for me to believe that I am more than just my Light, and in being greater than the Light, protecting it and the people who live through its influence is what made me who I am. So, as long as you strive to perfect yourself, you’ll always be one."

Ikora eyes her friend without turning her head this time. Her eyes are amiable, as fierce as they looked.

"A Guardian, Lightbearer or not... is always a Guardian.”

The Warlock delivered each part of that sentence in a very light, but thorough manner, a way that Amanda didn’t even think was possible. It was a nail she still had to hammer, that Guardians are more than just their Light.

During the Red War, Amanda had argued with Zavala after the Traveler was imprisoned and the Light lost. “There are thousands of people like me stranded down there in the City", she had said; “We're all the same now, Holliday. The Light is gone.” She was too angry to realize at the time, but looking back, she realizes she had taken the Guardianship for granted.

While she still didn’t like having to obey Zavala and leave citizens to die, it was paying off, in a way. Everything they did, they did for mankind. And it was beginning to thrive again, the best they could. She could feel it, even if her mission was far from over and new threats were still bound to come.

With a deep breath, she promises to face them gladly.

"Thank you, Ikora." The Shipwright says, eliciting a smile and a deep nod from the Vanguard that was still focused on writing the page.

Amanda pulls out her sketchbook and starts drawing over a sketch of herself. But before she continues, she has an idea for the final part of the 'secret-unnamed-project'.

"Can I, ah, look around for a book?”

“Do you need help with anything?”

“Yeah, actually. Wanna know where the name ‘Leviathan’ comes from.”

Ikora pulls up her own tablet, doing a query search for the word on the archive. It narrows down to multiple editions of a religious book from the old world, called ‘Bible’. Taking a break from writing, she hovers over to a particular section of the library, taking an intricate, gold-foil crafted book, meticulously turning its pages to where the query told her. “Job 41:1–34”, it said. She floats back to Amanda, laying the open book in front of her, before going back to her own seat.

She devours the verses, at first barely making heads or tails of what was on the pages. 'Why'd people back in the day write so weird?' She thought to herself. But eventually she managed to understand what it was about, and suddenly the name of Calus' ship made much more sense.

"Did you gather something new, my friend?"

Amanda recaps in her mind, making sure to try not to miss anything.

"Right, so- uh...” Amanda begins to explain her thoughts, trying not to let anything pass her by. “There was this man named Job, whose faith in this god couldn't be waived. In this part, the god is tryna teach Job how questioning a powerful being is futile by presenting him beasts so powerful that only he can control, one a them being a sea monster called, you guessed it, the Leviathan."

"How awfully appropriate."

"Yep. Apparently there were two beasts, a sea one, and a... land one."

Realization came into Amanda's mind as a name for her project finally snuck through her hands and into the paper.

"Reminds me of the World Serpent..." She adds nonchalantly, having doing some reading on the Edda in her free time back at Hiver’s place.

Ikora finally perks up from her book, stretching her writing hand. "You've been doing some homework."

"Hard not to, when you date a Warlock."

"And you are going to tell them about this… when?"

The one question Amanda dreaded, and it shows. Her 'Lightless Guardian' idea was nothing short of life-threatening, it's amazing she's got this far without being stopped.

Amanda had survived her whole life on the road, fighting off Fallen and hiding with hers and other families, but she would never, ever get rid of the pain of losing them. She survived and is happier than she's ever been, even if it's not a perfect life. Now, she was Hiver's family, and cannot bear the image of her lover having to go through the same — because of her own incompetence, nonetheless.

There was no telling how Hiver would react, the woman is already being a pile of anxieties, but of one thing she was sure.

It wouldn't be pretty.

“I don’t... know.“

"I can help if you'd like. But remember that this is your responsibility — and your burden."

She nods with a nervous face and gives a deep sigh.

“I’ll think of something. Can you take me back to the Tower?”

“Yes. And Amanda?”

“Yes?”

“Congratulations on finding love. Hold on to it. It is powerful.”

As nervous as she is, she nods smiling.

“Ophiuchus?” Ikora says to no one. Her Ghost, white and red and with spiking protrusions on the back of his shell, appears in the air next to her shoulder.

“One second.” He replies, spinning.

With a flash, Amanda is back at the Tower’s bazaar. Eyeing the drawing she has just finished, she runs to the Courtyard, in search of a person who could help her make it look much better.

Trying to ignore the built-up tension, she runs.

The Awoken woman stationed at the Tower Courtyard is, as usual, cleaning up dust and reorganizing her inventory, because it’s not home yet, but it would be. Then she hears a familiar voice calling to her.

“Tess!”

“Oh! Hello, Amanda. What can I do for you today?” Tess greets the Shipwright, assuming her usual hands-behind-back posture and giving her usual, welcoming smile.

“See, I got a lil’ project o’ my own, and wanted an expert’s opinion on how ta make it look the sharpest it can.”

Amanda presents the sketchbook with her sketch to Tess, who analyzes it meticulously.

It’s a suit of armor. Titan armor, to be more precise.

“Gothic knight inspiration… baroque decor… exquisite. Practical, but carries a lot of elegance. This looks incredible. Also, you draw extraordinarily well.”

“Thank you,” The Shipwright says, blushing. “But it lacks color. What would ya say works?”

“Excuse me.“

Tess takes the notebook into what appears to be a scanner, converting Amanda’s drawing into a digital projection that can easily be colored, and bringing it to the desk where they both could see it.

“Right, in my opinion the ornaments and trim should definitely be gold.” She says, quickly selecting the decorative parts of the plates and changing their colors to a light golden color. “The style reminds me of Gjallarhorn and the old Iron Lords’ armor. Maybe we can make it a bit more orange…”

“Would black fit with it, maybe?”

She changes the main plate colors to black. Tess and Amanda look at each other in disapproval.

“How about…” Tess changes the color to a deep blue.

“Can you try dark gray?” Amanda asks, and Tess obeys. However, it still seems to not fit, and they experiment with a midpoint between blue and gray.

“What do you think?”

“I like it.”

“Me too.”

Amanda scratches her nose, taking some time to think. The girls mix and match palettes for a while until finding one that fits the armor well.

Dark gray plates with crimson details, gold ornaments, and a white, gold-trimmed mark.

“Whew… Thank you, Tess. Anything I can do to repay ya?”

“The pleasure is mine. Although if you have some Silver on you…” Tess says, smiling smugly. “Just kidding.”

“My girlfriend does. She’ll probably come by again, she wants that duster you’re selling. Says she wants to look like a cowgirl.”

Tess laughs at this, eliciting a grin from Amanda, who picks her sketchbook and transfers the colored illustration file from the Awoken vendor to her own tablet, almost walking off and ready to send it to Crux/Lomar for forging.

“Oh, Amanda.”

“Yeah?” She turns back to face Tess.

“Does it have a name?” She asks in genuine curiosity.

Amanda smiles contagiously in pride, remembering what she read from the Bible in Ikora’s library. She had the perfect name for her project, given what was going down on the System — and how she’d fight it, if need be.

“The Behemoth.”

[ciestessde]

Chapter 5

A few years have passed, now. This body is in its late-teens.

Yet it hasn’t even grown a foot in height.

[Beginning]

It’s early morning. The sun hasn’t yet risen, but its light peeks out from behind the mountains.

Xihrae and Tess are sitting at the table in the castle’s library, papers strewn all over every surface in vaguely-organized piles. So that Xihrae can read, we’ve lit every torch along the walls. It’s not painful, but the room is slightly too bright for Tess’s comfort. Much longer and she could get another headache -- something this form seems prone to.

“What’s all this?” Tess flinches. < No, no, he’s not supposed to be here! I thought Drac was helping the maids hunt! >

She glances up from the papers in her hands. < Gah, he must have gotten done early, somehow! I was so focused, I didn’t even hear the door open- > < -Assuming Drac even opened it to begin with and didn’t, oh… just slip in underneath it using his mist form? > I jab at her, still trying to get her to ask Drac how he does that, but Tess is too nervous about Drac’s sudden entry to reply.

Despite having been hunting, he’s dressed in his usual far-too-expensive-to-actually-be-practical robes. Tess drops her gaze back to the papers. We were hoping to keep this a secret for a bit longer. Things aren’t quite ready yet, but… Oh well. Nothing to be done about it now.

“It’s research. On the villagers.” Tess sets the papers down, resigning herself to having to deal with an angry Drac. She looks up at him -- but he’s not looking at her anymore. He’s glaring -- at Xihrae. … Oh, no. He hates it when anyone enters his territory uninvited.

If I wasn’t so nervous, I might’ve taken control of Tess’s body to glare at Xihrae. The jerk probably -- no, he definitely planned this little scenario. < Damn you, you adrenaline-junky! >

“And who, may I ask, is this?” His voice actually manages to send shivers down Tess’s spine. No small feat. She swallows her nerves. < I must stay calm. This needs to work! > “This is Xihrae.” She glances at the human in question -- he’s not even paying attention, not worried at all. Jeez… Typical. < What, not enough of a high for you?! > “He was with those travelling performers that visited a couple months ago. I… took a liking to him. And…” She pauses and takes a breath. < Here goes, > “-I knew he’d be useful.”

“Useful.” Drac finally turns his gaze back to her. “And how, precisely, is a human ‘useful’ to us?”

< Drac is as stiff as a statue. > < Maybe I can still calm him down…? > < ... Worth a shot. > “The villagers are more likely to trust us if-”

“Why on this godforsaken planet would we need those mortals to trust us…?”

< Well, uh… He’s not screaming yet, at least? > < Sure, but your chances of calming him are slipping. > < Either be helpful, or stay out of this, jerk! >

< Jeez! How best to get him to listen…? ... Maybe appealing to practicality? > “As the nearest supply of blood, it will be much easier-” “Have you forgotten what I taught you?!”

< Nope. > < Yeah, too late. Time to just ride it out. I’ll get my chance to talk eventually. >

“They killed everyone! And I could do NOTHING!” His arms are waving, no longer held stiffly at his sides. “They cursed me -- trapped me in my own home! I had to sit here, on this pile of dirt, while my friends and family died in battle! The humans slaughtered us!”

He’s pacing now. His robes woosh and snap behind him as he moves. Xihrae still only has eyes for the papers on the table in front of him. < Hey. Jerkwad. I know we worked out your cover beforehand -- and I’m sure you’ve determined ~EvErYtHiNg WiLl WoRk OuT fInE~ -- but a little help WOULD STILL BE APPRECIATED! > The jerk just smirks. < No need. Tess hasn’t completed Dracula’s transformation yet, and this outburst will help speed that along. We need to gain more influence over him before we can execute the next step.

< And besides… > He glances up at the angry, powerful vampire that’s on the verge of killing him, his smirk widening, < … Isn’t this FUN?! > < Remind me why I’m friends with you two psychos. > < ~Because you love us~! > Tess chips in.

“You and I are all that’s left- and you are a mere dhampir! A powerful dhampir, yes. Perhaps even as powerful as a normal vampire -- but you are more frail than an average dhampir, without a vampire’s immortality, and incapable of ever fully turning!” He stops his pacing to lock his glare into her eyes. “And you wish to befriend the very creatures that caused this?! I thought the goal -- OUR mission -- was to restore vampires! Not befriend our enemies!” Anger rolls off of him. His eyes are even glowing.

< Jeez he’s mad! > < It is a bit of an overreaction. > < A bit?! How do you put up with this?! >

“Tell me, because I truly cannot comprehend why you would want to do such a thing!!!” Despite not strictly needing to breath, he’s out of breath from that outburst. Tess lets him stand there, recovering, for a few moments before, voice as calm and confident as possible, she finishes her explanation. “In order to increase our numbers, we first need a reliable food supply. If the villagers trust us, the benefits will be threefold: They’ll supply the consistent source of blood we’ll need, some of them may volunteer to be turned, and they may even help to hide us from other humans.”

She holds up some of the papers, “So I’ve been researching and planning the best ways to go about gaining their trust- “-For example,” she exchanges the papers in her hand for a folder, “many of the villagers seem to be falling ill lately. And many have died.” She lowers her hand and holds his gaze. As her words have sunk in, his expression has become much less poisonous- though not exactly calm. “If they believed becoming vampires would cure these illnesses, why… we might even become heroes to ‘those mortals.’ “If their own families were among our members,” Tess lets herself grin, “I’ve no doubt they would be eager to provide us with ANYTHING we asked.”

The sounds of silence and Xihrae’s paper shuffling reign. Dracula’s gaze goes unfocused as he thinks.

He starts pacing again. And he paces. And paces.

And stops. His posture gradually relaxes. He grins.

“Oh… Oh, I see. You’re not proposing an alliance with them,” he looks at her, “You’re not trying to reduce their fear -- why, you’re increasing it.” He starts pacing again, hand to his chin, a finger just touching his lower lip. “Their lives would be in our hands, whether to turn them or not. Yes, if they became reliant on us… Why, we could use them as our very own foot soldiers…” He pauses, looks up -- and his eyes flash, “You’re trying to make them our loyal servants!”

Tess smiles. < Good. Yes, old buddy. That’s all we’re up to… > And of course that’s when Xihrae decides to join the conversation. Without even looking up from his papers he declares, “The plan would go even more smoothly if you joined us, Count.”

I use Tess’s body to glare at him after all. < Noctu… > Tess thinks warningly at me, < Hey, at least he addressed Drac by his title. >

Dracula sends Xihrae a disgusted, hateful glance -- which may as well have gone unnoticed by this idiot. Tess takes back control and clears her throat, regaining Drac’s attention. “Actually, that would be helpful. They’ll be much more inclined to trust in someone they’ve met in-person.” It’s almost imperceptible, but I notice Drac shifting in the way he does when he’s uncertain or uncomfortable: Just a slight movement of one shoulder. Tess clarifies, “You needn’t do so often, just… special occasions. For example, when you agree to turn someone, perhaps you could… come to the gate and greet their families?”

He’s silent. Tess is as well, allowing him time to think. “... Perhaps,” is all he replies -- before walking out of the room.

“… I guess that’s the best I could hope for, for now. He doesn’t like change.” When Xihrae doesn’t say anything in response, Tess glances at him. He’s grinning. … Tess smirks. Because if he’s grinning, then- < I have nothing to worry about. >

A speck of guilt tries to rise high enough within my spirit for Tess to sense it, and I squash it back down.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

[Previous Chapter] - [Next Chapter]

My efforts to find a better place to sell the print copies of this book have... not been, shall we say, fruitful. Until I can find one, I'm not making any money off of the print book sales. But, at the same time, I want anyone who wants a print copy to be able to get one. So, for now, I guess the book stays on Amazon (here's the link to it). If anyone has any suggestions on where else I could sell, I'd appreciate it. (Also, if anyone knows a good website to sell merch, there are a few drawings from the book I could make available, too, if anyone is interested.)

If you want to help support me, sharing my work is the best thing you can do. But if you want to give me money: First, THANK YOU!!! And second, here's my Patreon and Ko-fi.

You can also buy this ebook on Google for 2 USD. (This is the best version.)

[butch-snufkin]

Lesbian Jock/Nerd

For anon~~sorry this is literally so late but I hope you enjoy :)

--

"We won't even be able to fly our hot air balloon if we don't get it finished. And today's the last day, I think," Tess mutters, untangling the hot glue gun cord.

That snaps me out of my daze real quick. "I thought we had tomorrow too."

"Maybe try paying attention for once. But I know how horribly difficult it is for you to listen when the woman of your dreams is close by." Tess snickers, and does a breathy, lovesick impression of my voice. "Oh Kendell, take me away! Kendell, I love it when you use big words like Pythagorean Theorem!"

I scoff. "I happen to know very well what the Pythagorean Theorem is. And besides, I don't even sound like that."

But I did sound like that. I may be daft but I still know that my feelings for Kendell aren't exactly a secret around school. I mean, I've done nothing to hide it, but somehow lots of people don't know, which is so weird. Word usually spreads pretty fast. Kendell probably doesn't know I exist, and if she does then she must hate me. Straight girls get so uncomfortable at the notion that another girl might like them, it's crazy.

Tess hastily blots hot glue onto the tissue paper hot air balloon, accidentally burning her fingers in the process. She yelps and holds out the project for me. "Here, since you're so chattery, you can give this to the teacher."

I'd really rather not, but Tess will just keep blowing on her fingers and pouting until I can't take how annoying she is anymore. I snatch the hot air balloon from her, though not hard enough to tear the paper.

I give her a nasty look over my shoulder and when I turn around, I almost slam straight into-

"Hi Kendell," I blurt immediately, like the idiot I am.

"Hey guys," she nods. Kendell has always been very chill for a geek. Very attractive of her. "Nicole, you play lacrosse, right?"

I nod excitedly, delighted that she knows that about me.

Kendell kicks the heel of her shoe into the ground and gives me a lopsided smile that makes my feel all fluttery. "This is, like, such a weird question, but do you have any of your sticks with you today?"

Before I can answer, she jumps ahead. "Our balloon landed a few streets away in someone's tree and Robbie said he'd give me five bucks if I got it out for him, since he doesn't want to. And you live just up the street, so I was thinking you might be able to help? I don't have a broom or anything but the lacrosse stick would be long enough to get it."

She was right. It is a weird question. It's absurd. But I would bring her as many lacrosse sticks as she wanted.

Tess, who came out of nowhere, slaps me on the back. "Nicole would LOVE to help you."

Kendell smiles again. "Cool." -------------------------------------------- I walk up the hill with my longest lacrosse stick across my shoulders. I don't realize I'm going way faster than Kendell is until I look behind me and see her huffing and puffing 5'6 catch up. I wait for her, embarrassed. What a great first impression.

"Sorry," I say. Earlier we had to trudge through knee-deepsnow and now I'm making her run after me.

"It's fine. You were kinda booking it, though," she says between pants. I must look really guilty, because she laughs and reassures, "Its not you. I just have short legs."

Fantastic legs. Not that I'm, like, checking out her legs or anything, but she really has nice curves on her. And not like mannequin curves, where the hips are wide and the waist is wrist-thin. Kendell fills out her clothes and looks simultaneously every huggable but strong, like a dancer. Man, I must sound like a creep.

She pulls out her phone and taps the screen a few times, then shuts it off and slides it back in her pocket. Most likely and S.O.S note to let someone know she needs to be rescued from this awkward, skyscraper lesbian.

"This way," Kendell points, starting to walk again, and I can't help but notice she's taking bigger steps.

When we reach the tree, I can already tell this thing isn't coming down in one piece. It's way too tangled in the branches. Kendell watches me as I stand on my toes and reach as high as I can, only to be a foot or two out of reach. I try jumping, which unfortunately does nothing.

Kendell blows a sharp breath and pushes her slipping glasses back up her nose. "Jeez, sorry about all this. Made you come out here in the cold and it doesn't even work."

"Nope. Absolutely not. I came out here to get this balloon and I'm not leaving til we do." It's very brutally honest of me, but I wouldn't feel satisfied without knowing we accomplished something. "Get on my back," I say without thinking.

"You wouldn't be able to lift me," Kendell insists casually. "I'm too heavy." She sounds like she's given this speech a million times and no one has ever believed her.

"Are you even seeing me? I'm like double your size. Come on, I won't drop you." I crouch over for her.

"Oh, please," Kendell protests, but gets on anyway. "Not like there's anything in it for you."

"Your five dollars are very important to me."

She laughs loudly, and I am absolutely thrilled that I did that! I made her laugh! I also love the squeak she makes when I stand back up with no difficulty. 

At this new height, it's almost too easy, and we don't even rip the paper. I kind of don't want to put her down, but I have to. She has this big grin on her face. It matches mine.

"Thanks, that was awesome."

I don't know if she means the balloon or the fact that I just deadlifted her, so I just say "Anytime"

Kendell flattens out the balloon before folding it up, and I laugh at the cartoon logo on it: A drawing of a lobster with a crown, with the words LOBSTER QUEENS in bold Sharpie underneath. 

"Did you draw that?" I ask.

"What gave it away?" 

"I've seen the guys in your group. None of them have good enough handwriting to do something like that." 

Kendell giggles. "True. I'm not better than any of them at science by a long shot. The only reason they want me on their team is because we're getting a grade on design and I'm the only one they're friends with who can draw." 

"I really like it," I say, and I mean it. It's fun, but not over the top. Very Kendell. "And your team did get first place, so it was probably worth it." 

"I guess. I get along better with the guys, anyway. I weird the other girls out, so it works." She stares at the ground.

This is important, I can tell. I want to know more, but I don't want to scare her off. "You don't weird me out." 

She brightens. "Thanks. Figured as much. Straight girls are just like that. Like, 'aww, we'll be your friends, but ONLY if you don't fall in love with us!' Give me a break, you know?" 

My heart kind of stops. "What?" 

"What?" 

"What?" I definitely do not panic. 

"I'm gay," she says, her smile soft and warm. "You seriously didn't know? I thought everyone knew."

"I'm a bit out of the loop," I admit, trying to stay calm while I'm screaming happily inside. 

The walk back is nicer. Less anxiety inducing. There isn't an uncomfortable wall between us. We joke like we're old friends, and at one point our hands brush for a few seconds, and I have no idea what it means but I absolutely love it.

[cristinablackthornkingson]

Shadowhunters Story #8

“Is everything alright?” 18-year-old Cecily Herondale nervously asks Brother Zachariah, as he finishes examining her. Cecily and Gabriel had been married for 3 months now, Gabriel proposed just before Cecily’s 18th birthday and they quickly planned the wedding and became husband and wife two months after Cecily turned 18. Their marriage so far had been wonderful, they were saving up for a home of their own and in the meantime were living in the institute which was now run by Tessa and Will. Every morning they would train together, then have lunch, then Gabriel would spend some time doing paperwork for the Clave and Cecily would read a book or spend time with Tessa and Will. After that, they would go for a carriage ride if it was raining or a walk in Hyde Park if it was a nice day. After that they would go back to the institute and usually spent the evening training some more. However the last few weeks Cecily had begun to feel quiet unwell, her stomach was cramping, her back was giving her pain and she had little to no energy. Both Gabriel and Will immediately wanted to summon The Silent Brothers, but Cecily wouldn’t let them at first, convinced it was just a stomach flu and she would get over it in no time. But 3 weeks passed and her symptoms were only getting worse, so she finally allowed Gabriel and Will to summon Brother Zachariah (of course it was Will who insisted Brother Zachariah come to check Cecily over and no one else). And that is where she is now, lying propped up on the bed she and Gabriel share, with Brother Zachariah standing over her. 

Brother Zachariah draws his hood back and turns to face Cecily. 

Congratulations, Miss Lightwood. He says. Congratulations? What could he possibly be congratulating her on? 

“I-I beg your pardon?” Cecily stammers. 

Miss Lightwood you are 2 months pregnant. Brother Zachariah informs her. Immediately, Cecily’s mind begins to swirl, her chest tightens and tears well in her eyes. Pregnant, at 18, only married 2 months, everyone would think she was indecent and improper, everyone would think she and Gabriel married because she was pregnant. Will would lock her up in a convent, after he killed Gabriel. What was she meant to do? 

There’s a light knock on the door just then, and it opens just enough for Cecily to be able to see her husband’s face, his green eyes filled with worry. 

“May I come in now?” He asks. He had been waiting outside in the hallway the entire time, with Will, both of them worried sick about Cecily. Tessa had tried to convince them to give her space but they refused to move from the hallway outside the bedroom. 

Yes Mr. Ligthwood, you may enter, I was jut leaving. Brother Zachariah says, drawing his hood up and silently making his way from the room. 

“We likely only have a few minutes before your brother comes charging in here, is everything alright, love? Did you find why you are so ill?” Gabriel softly asks, cupping Cecily’s pale face in his hands and smiling lovingly at her. Cecily feels the tears begin to well up in her eyes again and focuses her gaze on the bed before Gabriel can see the tears, but it’s too late, he knew the minute he stepped into the room that something was wrong.  “Gabriel, I-” Cecily tries to tell him about her pregnancy, but her throat tightens and a sob escapes her mouth before she can finish her sentence. 

“Cecily? What is it? What’s the matter my love?” Gabriel softly asks, urgency and panic in his tone. 

“I’m pregnant.” Cecily whispers, tears now rapidly pouring down her pale face. Gabriel stares at her with his jaw hanging open and a blank look on his face, before he regains his composure and softly says 

“W-we’re going to have a child? I’m going to be a father?” Cecily nods and in a tight tone of voice tells him 

“Yes and now everyone will think I’m a slag and that we got married because I got pregnant outside of marriage, but I didn’t, because we never…. before we married, it must have happened on our wedding night, but nobody will believe that!” 

“Cecily, I will never let anyone speak ill of you, if anyone dares to call you names or assume the baby was conceived out of wedlock, then they will have me to deal with, you are my wife and I will defend you until my last breath.” Gabriel firmly says. Leaning her head against his shoulder, Cecily softly says 

“William is going to kill you.” Gabriel chuckles and smooths his large, scarred hand over Cecily’s long, silky dark hair and softly says 

“Oh I don’t think he’d leave his niece or nephew fatherless and his sister a widow.” Cecily laughs softly and wraps her arms around her husband, quietly telling him 

“I love you.” Gabriel kisses her forehead and says

“I love you too.” 

Cecily knew there was no point in trying to hide the pregnancy from anyone for any length of time, Lily- the ladies maid- would have to know since Cecily would soon be unable to fit in her clothes, and Lily was quiet the gossip, and once she knew, everyone in London would know. Cecily wasn’t sure why Tessa and Will kept her employed here.

When Cecily and Gabriel step out into the hall, they find Will still leaning against the wall opposite the bedroom, with Tessa now at his side.

“Cece, are you alright, what did Jem say?” Will asks, as his sister and Gabriel approach he and Tessa. 

“William, promise me you will not overreact when I tell you why I have been so ill?” Cecily asks her older brother, even though she knew no matter what, Will would take a swing at Gabriel. 

“Why, what’s wrong?” Will asks in a cautious tone. 

“You’re going to be an Uncle in a few months, Will.” Cecily says in a matter-of-fact tone, refusing to let the anxiety creep back in. 

“I’m sorry, what?” Will asks, deadly quiet. 

“You’re going to be an uncle, I’m pregnant.” Cecily calmly says, placing a hand on her stomach. Will’s blue eyes fill with rage and land on Gabriel. 

“You son of a bitch.” Will says, the rage now seeping into his voice too. Before anyone can react to his outburst, Will swings his fist toward’s Gabriel’s face, missing only by seconds when Gabriel leaps out of the way.  “William!” Tessa exclaims, grabbing her husband by the arm and pulling him back. “William how dare you?! Gabriel has done nothing wrong, you cannot just try to hit him like that!” Tessa says. 

“He got my baby sister pregnant, Tessa! What am I suppose to do, stand back and do nothing?!” Will asks. 

“Yes William! Cecily is a grown adult now, whether you like it or not, she chose to marry Gabriel and now she is choosing to have his child, he did not force her into this, Gabriel is not a bad a person, he loves your sister just as much as you love me and he has been a wonderful husband and will no doubt be a wonderful father. You need to get over your hatred for the Lightwoods and be there for your sister and your niece or nephew, Cecily needs you and your support now more than ever William, so grow up and be there for her, or else you might loose her again.” Tessa firmly tells her husband. Everyone is silent for a few minutes, before Will quietly says 

“You’re right, Tess. Gabriel, Cecily, I’m sorry, what I did was ignorant and childish of me, that’s not who I am anymore. Gabriel, I know you love my sister very much and I know you treat her like a queen, and I also know you will be a wonderful father, far better than your own father, I am sorry for how I have behaved towards you these last few years, I know you have changed from the ignorant teenager you once were, I would like to start over with you Gabriel, and be there for you and Cecily and my niece or nephew.” 

“T-thank you… William, I accept your apology and I would like start over with you too.” Gabriel stammers, shocked at Will’s sudden change in attitude. Tessa is the best thing ever to happen to that man. 

Will holds his hand out for Gabriel to shake and says 

“Friends?” Gabriel smiles and shakes his brother-in-law’s hand and says

“Friends.” 

The next 7 months passed by quickly and peacefully, Cecily had no complications in her pregnancy, Gabriel was only too happy to buy her new clothes when she began to show and couldn’t fit in her old clothes. They settled into a new routine as well. Cecily would wake up every morning to Gabriel’s dark head bent to her stomach, as he talked quietly and gently to their baby, telling them all about the world, about their amazing, beautiful mother, their odd Uncle Will, strong aunt Tessa, kind aunt Sophie, gentle Uncle Gideon, and the list went on, of all the wonderful people the baby would have in their life. They no longer trained together first thing in the morning, but they did have breakfast together, then instead of training they would simply sit in bed discussing baby names, their hands on Cecily’s swollen stomach waiting to feel any kick or movement from the baby. Then while Gabriel continued with his paper work for the Clave as usual, Cecily wrote letters to Charlotte in Idris, who was only too happy to give her advice on motherhood and pregnancy. Charlotte and Henry now had two sons, 4 year old Charles and 2 year old Matthew, and according to Charlotte they still wanted two more children. Cecily and Gabriel had discussed if they would like to have more children, but have yet to come to a conclusion. After they spent time on their letters and paperwork, they still went on carriage rides and walks around Hyde Park, fantasizing what it will be like to walk around with a baby carriage and their little one in the baby carriage, it seemed so unbelievable that one day they would have a tiny little baby of their own. Sometimes while in town they would pop into the shops and look at baby clothes, cribs and strollers, and often times they came back from their carriage ride or walk with bags full of baby clothes and stuffed toys, and a piece of furniture for the nursery, to be delivered the next day. Then they spent the evenings adding things to the nursery, Will and Gabriel had spent hours one night trying to build the crib, refusing to allow Cyril or anyone else to help. 

Cecily had regular checkups from Brother Zachariah throughout her pregnancy, and he was always happy to report that the baby was growing and thriving and Cecily was doing very well too. They had arranged for Brother Zachariah to be on hand at the birth, on the off chance something went wrong. They had also hired a private midwife named Angela, who also gave Cecily regular check ups throughout the pregnancy. Angela was also a shadowhunter, but not active as she had suffered a back injury in a demon hunt in her twenties and now could no longer keep up to speed with everyone else, so she retired from being a shadowhunter and spent the next few years studying and qualifying as a nurse and midwife. 

When Cecily was 5 months pregnant, they decided that if they had a girl they would name her Anna Linette Herondale, and if they had a boy, they would name him Christopher Edmund Herondale. 

Now Cecily was fast approaching her due date and everyone was on high alert, just waiting for her to go into labor. 

As Cecily stands in their room, admiring the brand new bassinet they had just been gifted from Sophie and Gideon, she feels an intense pain coarse through her lower abdomen. She grabs one of the four posts on the bed, and clutches her stomach with the other had, trying to breath through the god awful pain. Thankfully, just minutes later, Gabriel walks in. When he sees his wife gripping to bed post and doubled over in agony, he immediately drops his brief case and runs to her side. 

“Cecily, is it time?” he asks in a panicked tone. Cecily scrunches her face up in pain and nods before telling him “Get…. Angela…. and…. Brother Zachariah… now!” 

6 hours later Cecily was extremely close to giving birth. Brother Zachariah stood in the corner by the door, while Tessa and Sophie sat on either side of Cecily, Sophie holding her hand while Tessa pressed a cold compress to her sweaty forehead. Gabriel was waiting outside with Will and Gideon, no doubt both he and Will were an anxious mess. 

“Oh god this hurts!” Cecily cries out, as another contraction tears through her weak body. 

“Oh Cecily I know, but I promise the pain is easily forgotten and ever so worth it when you hold your baby.” Sophie softly says. Cecily hoped more than anything that she was right, she was sick of this pain, the pain killing runes were doing nothing, Cecily was exhausted and spent and all she wanted was her son or daughter safely in her arms and Gabriel by her side. 

“Just one more now Miss Lightwood.” Angela gently says. Cecily groans and pushes as hard as she can, clutching Sophie’s hand tightly as she feels the baby begin to leave her body. Moments later Cecily feels a weight lift from her and almost immediately a high pitched wail erupts through the room. Cecily laughs in delight and relaxes back into the pillows behind her. Minutes later, Tessa leaves to bring Gabriel, and then goes back out to her own husband, with Sophie not long behind her. 

Just as Gabriel kneels by his wife’s side, Brother Zachariah approaches them with a bundle of blankets in his arms. He carefully lowers the baby to Cecily’s outstretched arms and says 

Congratulations, your daughter is very healthy. Without another word, he draws the hood of his parchment robs up and leaves. Cecily pulls her daughter to her chest and gazes at her in amazement. She was a perfect mixture of her mother and father, with a shock of black hair just like Cecily’s, tanned skin like Gabriel’s, a mouth and nose like Gabriel and Cecily’s eye shape. 

“Well hello Anna, I’m so happy you’re finally here.” Gabriel softly says, gently smoothing his hand over his daughter’s tiny head. 

“She’s so perfect.” Cecily whispers, her eyes filling with tears of joy. 

“That she is, she’s perfect, just like her mother.” 

[fireflythecinnamonjollyrancher]

hello it is once again time for my end of the year wrap up. this should be... interesting

january

finally finally got to have a happy apartment experience!!!!! tried out tea drops which are dope. there was a fair amount of stress revolving around APO induction and the musical rehearsal, but we made it!!! partied hardy (the infamous tess in the washing machine incident) kelli was watching always sunny more often than not. i wore some arguably bad clothing but ya know. gays. we tried to take off my closet door (it did NOT work). the beginning of the goose saga! there was a sleet storm so kelli and i made some popcorn and watched mike birbiglia’s new special. darci, kelli and i went out to eat and then ended up in babcock playing air hockey before watching videos with kai who was on duty. PEP BAND???? some good memories formed there. dogs in the library! got bullied by my library boss to put gas in my car and i sent her a video of proof that i did it “daddy long legs” “stop. what?” “the musical” (i do love timothy) i actually practiced my instrument lol wild. WE (becky, celeste, timothy and i) WATCHED SPIRIT and got wildly drunk -- the origin of “[redacted] [redacted] who???” which is my favorite joke.

february

MORE PEP BAND im actually really glad i spent my last few college months dicking around with the band. one man drumline!!! kai made some good tiktoks in our apartment! miss hanging with them it was really fun. oh i hung out with sam and celeste watching movies “he was a boy, she was a dolphin, can i make it anymore [strangled dolphin noises]” OUR MICROWAVE HANDLE BROKE OFF while kelli was gone man that entire apartment was falling apart (hey dumbass grab from top) -- a list of things that were broken in our apartment: fridge light, front entry light, showerhead, phone. the birth of the beans insta!!!! got hit on when i was at taco bell with timothy by being accused of being trans (taco bell guy was not far off to be fair). oh the improv posters as compared to the posters i built for an organization fair. went out and got daRUNK at what appears to be wandas. really struggled with my period. cut hair with kelli n darci. MOZZ STICKS. “you still a lil bitch???” oh we did kpy pal-entines!!! where we ate good food and watched the princess bride!!! i received the plush goose. there was a possible bombing at the bank next door to where we rehearsed for band. aw i went on a tommy’s date with becky that was cute. they tried to STEAL the QUESO. disagreed with a curb and still have those scars. worked a horrible gig at the theatre. closing shifts at the library baby! middle school tours EW more library dogs! fish hooks song oh my god. drunk mash nights!!! i rewatched HAVEN and had lots of feelings. actually got drunk alone a lot which was Bad. however michael malloys birthday! watched choir concert at work lol. stats final whilst drunk!!!! becky got a piercing

march

here things go downhill rapidly. hit up the trains at least once. oh late library nights with timothy!!!! the best nights i miss hanging with him while at work. struggled with my car. went on a college sponsored adventure to a back alley farm. SCURVY FEARS. opening shifts that were lonely. oh celeste played plague and named it covid and won lol yikes. the infamous apartment cone. we stayed up long enough to see the sunrise on literally the last day in college I would ever have. that was good. I FOUND OUT KELLI HAD GLASSES im still pissed. came home indefinitely. went to st patty’s day at brookes with karrigan and that was SO much fun (this was before things seemed real) the best part of that was the irish pub owner who happened to have a son that went to my college. got my mom onto tik tok. took a gay lit class. can’t believe i took daily fckn walks around the pasture who was i. hosted virtual meetings for apo and played around with the closed captioning. that was fun. shaved my moms head lmaooo. worked on my capstone which im like super proud of? i wish i could have directed it but say law vee. 

april

BAGPIPE CORPS INTERNATIONAL. virtual band wreaked havoc on my animals mental health. my grandmother would always bug me while i was working which i understand now was misplaced love but it was so irritating at the time. we had library meetings once a week or so that was vital to mental health. hosted a really fun “panel” about queer identity for my queer lit class that was able to educate a lot of people. having a capstone class with am*lia was a nightmare. watched a cirque du soleil show for free and lost my mind. wrote a comedic monologue that i suffered through. suffered through papers and projects. worked on a project with celeste and kelli and we had SUCH a good time. i hosted several jackbox nights for both apo and kpy. that was SUCH an exhausting experience. also uno and drawful with the uno group (kelli would win 100% of the time). ranted about group projects lol i struggled. OH THE MOVE OUT DEBACLE i really went off the deep end. kelli’s virtual birthday!!!!

may

we had so many good jackbox nights. academic showcase and honors convocation happened wherein i was name bronco award winner and that really wrecked me too lol. we had a sunday crew hang out for library workers. clarinet game night too! i tried so hard to build community during covid and im not altogether sure i accomplished it but ya know whatever. watsky broke the record! made my “aced it” grad cap which was so FUNNY and still is tbh. becky taught me how to do makeup. took grad pictures at an abandoned farmhouse lol OH MY GOSH BEAUX ARTS AND APO SKIT i was so proud of that night and annette said it was the best one we’d ever had. wish i had done more but we did it boys. also got VERY drunk for it lol completely redid my room. bc it was NASTY. the way i write papers is so SO funny to me. had our last capstones class and then dressed in grad outfits for our last lit meeting . graduated and got all my stuff from college finally. went shopping with timothy, had el puerto with becky (i think?). oh the infamous miller moths UGH shit is nasty. THE FORMING OF BANJO SHRIMPS occurred on may 24 2020 and that was the absolute best thing to come out of this year. started working at my dads agency which was the absolute worst thing to come out of this year. attended my first protest in cos which was good and healthy. started protesting regularly after that. my most poignant memory was laying down in front of city hall and chanting “i cant breathe” for 8 minutes. 

june

it snowed???? i was angry. part of my job was reading my dad’s email and there was some WACKO shit in there. went to brookes for pride as a surprise which was cute n fun. had a horrible interaction with a client. the appearance of the bigfoot statue!!!! we had a vanilla beans hang out. there was a WILD storm that literally made my hide out in the office. 

july

went on a bonkers rant about america bc fuck this place. helped mom out with homework. we had several clients get divorces which was messy. went to a Bad party where i was angry the whole time. went to the top of pikes peak with my grandma and saw many much bigfoot things. we got a GOOSE he hated us so much. oh there was a night where darci and kai came over and we hijacked kelli’s spotify and communicated that way it was SO funny. took a video of the dichotomy of man bc of my long ass leg hair and short ass head hair. shaved my head to the BONE and tried dragon fruit. GOT NIKO ON JULY 24 my sweet sweet boy lil bat looking motherfucker. got denied for life insurance for mental health reasons. 

august

went back to hc for a birthday “party” and to see the band. did a lot in that weekend (stayed with timothy’s family, helped becky move, met kelli’s look-alike, saw timothy and karlie’s new house!!! had lunch with kellis family which is closest to “meet my parents” i think i’ll ever get lmao). got my prof headshots and hate every single one of them but more for self esteem reasons lol. neighbors got goats and my mom lost her marbles. got trapped in traffic on the way back from hc. niko had crackhead energy. oooooooh documented gender crisis. ma got more chickens. went to a birthday party for a high school friend and was just... so out of my element. its weird. took off my grandma’s bathroom door bc she had knee surgery. started a full time job as my grandmother’s caretaker (love working for the family business lol).

september

went to breckenridge with a friend!!!!!! spicy times lol. cleaned the cupboard. had a birf. turned 22. cas finished her drugs!!!! and felt much better. we did a charcuterie board for my birthday which was very fun. Got a mixer set!!! went to hc for homecoming and graduated!!!!! surprised celeste and hannah with a celebration party for them (it was a lot of fun). came up with my BEST joke (summa cum laude). got called tf out for my gender crisis via tarot. got the goose game!!!! played the goose game!!!!

october

applied to chicago center!!!! will now be working there for a year!!!! this was the first documentation of banjo shrimp nights. surprised my dad for boss day by working with the team to fill his office with balloons. house sat for dad’s friends. started taking showers in the dark. went to celestes and made PASTA wow got very drunk and while she slept i just explored a strangers house. voted!!!!! wow. finally (finally) started to accept that i was maybe agender. had a snow day but i couldn’t work so that was fun. had halloween with banjo shrimps where i dressed up as david rose. that was SUCH a good night. participated in ace week!!! then, dressed as radar for actual halloween and had monumental. worked a volunteer haunted house and like... actually did pretty good?? felt like a real adult!!!!

november

so many things happened in november. i finished miraculous ladybug on netflix. had another bad interaction with a client bc the customer is always wrong. shaved my head. PRESENTATION NIGHT to distract from the election lmao what a good time. had so many emotions about the election. then biden won and we lost our damn minds -- video called with celeste and becky to celebrate (with the reminder that we know that this doesn’t solve everything but it was such a huge sigh of relief). started watching the last kids on earth. made more PASTA and soup! got my GHOSTY TATTOO. kahoot night with the banjo shrimps lol. watched the supernatural finale with kelli (what good memories) rewatched 3below good shit. got the chicago job so i quit being an insurance person!!!! brooke came for thanksgiving!!!

december

i dont wanna talk about it but i finally started watching unus annus (theres an archive its not the same but it provided me wild amounts of serotonin). “call that invisible split dye”. crimmus. had a video call with people from high school i rarely if ever see. this entire month has been a fuckin blur my guys but i’m so excited for what’s next. in two days i will be in an apartment in chicago. i will be reunited with my best friend in a little under two weeks. i cannot emphasize enough how excited i am for this next chapter. so yeah. that was my year. im sure there was more memories but that’s what the sideblog is for lol

[starboyholland]

Tom, Just Tom

Requested: nope! Rating: PG this is all domestic fluff! Maybe a few curse words but I doubt it but who knows Summary: your young daughter wants to know what she should call your long term boyfriend, Tom, he tells her that just Tom is fine, but you all find him filling a dad shaped void in your family.

“Hey, mommy?” Your daughter called to you from the backseat where she was buckled into her pink, butterfly car seat. You’d thought she was napping, she’d been so tired out from her day in her kindergarten classroom. You turned down the radio. “Yes, Pay?” You responded using her nickname.

“Why is the sky blue?” You tried to think of the best answer that would make sense. “I think the sky is a lot of colors, but blue travels the best and is easiest for our eyes to see so it looks blue to us,” your daughter Paisley went quiet for a moment, thinking over your response. “Is that why the water is blue?” You nodded, keeping your eyes on the road. “Yes, good thinking, Pay!” She smiled. “Mommy?” You replied yes again. “Do I have to call Tom Daddy?” Your eyes widened with surprise, you hadn’t anticipated the question. “No, honey, you can just call Tom Tom, you could ask him if you want to call him dad? If you wanted to? I don’t think he will mind either way, Pay, it’s up to you, whatever you feel comfortable with.” Pay nodded in her car seat again, her ponytail bumping against the backrest or the seat.

“Mommy?” You nodded, unsure of what she would ask now. “Yes, Pay?”

“Is Tom my daddy?”

“No, sweet heart, your dad is far away, remember?”

You’d never known how else to tell her that her father had left before she was even born.

“Oh, yeah. Mommy why don’t I see my daddy at Christmas time? Or on my birthday?” You winced. This wasn’t the first time that you’d had this conversation, you know it was hard for your daughter not to have a normal family. “He’s just too far away, baby, why do you ask?” Paisley shrugged.

“I dunno, will Tom come to my birthday?” Her birthday was months away, so you weren’t sure why your daughter was worried about it now. “We can ask. I bet he would move mountains to make it to your birthday though, sweetie,” you said, looking into the mirror again to catch your daughter’s eye.

“Why would he move mountains, mommy?” You laughed a bit, explaining that it was a figure of speech. Your daughter thought about this for a second and then nodded. “Is Tom going to come over today?” “Why all the questions about Tom?” “Just wondering, sheesh,” your daughter said, laughing. You laughed along too and then nodded. “Do you want Tom to come over?”

She nodded. “I like when Tom comes over. Last time he brought Tessa-dog with him, and he brought me candy, ‘member that, mommy?” Tessa-dog was your daughter’s nickname for Tom’s dog Tess, Tom had been in your life for years now, and had known Pay since before she had such a good grip on recognizing animals so “Tessa the dog” had been shortened to the current label.

“I do remember, he brought you so much candy that you had a sugar rush!” You laughed at the memory of you, Tom and Paisley jumping on her small bed.

“Yes, do you think he’d bring me candy? He brings me cool candy,” Paisley said. Whenever Tom went traveling he’d bring back something for you and something for Paisley. “Remember the green kit-kar bars?” “Yes, I do, baby.”

“Mom, are you and Tom going to be together forever and ever?”

You paused. “I don’t know, Pay, I hope so, why do you ask?”

“I don’t want Tom to go away like my dad, all the other kids in my class have daddies, I don’t, I just have a Tom, that’s okay though because I like Tom a lot.”

This broke your heart, now you knew that all these dad-based questions were probably due to a conversation in her class today. “I know it’s hard for you Baby, that your dad isn’t here,” she shrugged. “It’s okay,” you nodded, focusing on the road, pulling up to your driveway.

“Okay, my sweet, let’s get you unbuckled.”

Pay squirmed as you unbuckled her car seat and once she was free, she nearly launched herself from the car, running around the yard. You shut the car and locked it and watched her play around in the grass. “Mommy! Chase me!” She implored and you couldn’t say no to her angelic face. “I’m gonna get you!” You cried out, chasing your daughter around before sweeping her into a big hug, carrying her inside the house over your shoulder. Pay squirmed around and you set her down in a chair in the kitchen. You made her a sandwich with only honey in the middle and the crust cut off the top piece of bread but not the other. To say Pay was particular was an understatement.

You helped her with her homework, which consisted of drawing three things Pay could see from her window. Pay drew the backyard with Tom’s dog Tessa running around after a rabbit, and a sun in the sky with crayons. It was messy, and you wrote on the back of the paper what the drawing was of to eliminate confusion later in Paisley’s class.

You checked your phone at just the right moment to see Tom was calling you. “Hey,” you said after the line connected. “Hey yourself!” Tom said and you could almost hear his smile.

“How was your flight?” You questioned, knowing Tom was still on the press tour. Paisley understood Tom had to travel a lot, but didn’t really understand why, all she knew is that sometimes when she watched movies, Tom was in them. Tom had done a great job of keeping his relationship private. The last thing he wanted was for you to get mobbed at work or for Paisley to be impacted by his job or choices at school.

“It was good- long, how’re you guys doing? Actually it’s about to be a lot better because we’ve all gotten a break! Is it a good night to swing by and say hello? I miss you guys,” Tom spoke into the phone and you could hear a multitude of voices in the background.

“That sounds great, we’ll be here waiting for you!” You almost hung up when you felt a tug on your shirt. “Mommy I want to talk to Tom.”

“Oh, hey, love, Pay wants to talk to you, here she is,” you passed the phone to your child, making sure she didn’t hang up the call with her cheek on accident. The touch screen was difficult for her to maneuver sometimes.

“Hey, pay!” You could hear Tom’s voice from where you were, squatting next to Pay in your living room.

“Hi, Tom, I have a question,”

“What’s up, buttercup,” “Okay. Wait, I have 2 questions, I think.”

“Alright, I’m listening, Pay,”

“Should I call you daddy?”

Your eyes widened and you resisted the urge to grab the phone to do whatever damage control you could, you knew that this wouldn’t scare Tom off in the slightest but something deep inside made you feel a twinge of worry. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, Pay, just call me whatever you want to, if you just call me Tom that’s perfect too.”

“Okay, Tom,” she paused before continuing, you could tell this was all very serious to her and you couldn’t help but beam that Tom was being just as serious back to her. He made sure to show he valued what was important to both of you as much as he could.

“Okay,” she started again. “My next question is, are you coming over tonight?” “Yeah, if you want me to!”

“Okay, I do. Are you bringing Tessa-dog?”

“Sure, I’ll bring Tessa-dog.” He repeated the nick name for the pet fondly. “Oh, and Tom?” “Yes, Pay?” “Are you bringing me candy?”

“I wouldn’t show my face without it.” “Good. Bye Tom!” Paisley was bubbling with glee and you smiled, loving to see everyone in your family getting along so harmoniously.

The phone was handed back to you and Pay ran off to go play with her toys, singing to herself about candy and Tessa-dog.

“Well, she could be an interrogator when she’s grown up,” Tom joked into the phone. You laughed, “there’s no doubt in my mind it’s a possibility, sorry, that was a lot, I didn’t know she was going to ask all that-”

“Hey, YN, it was more than fine, I didn’t mind at all,” You sighed in relief. “Good, thanks, love, I’ll see you soon?”

“See you soon, love you, YN,”

“Love you too,” The line went dead and you put your phone in your pocket, sitting on the couch and booting up your computer to do your schoolwork.

Being a mom, working and trying to put yourself through school wasn’t easy, but Tom definitely made it a lot easier.

By the time you’d finished your work, the doorbell rang and Pay ran to answer the door, swinging it open. You got up fro your spot on the couch and rushed to the door, Seeing Paisley in Tom’s arms and his bags dropped on the floor. He swung her around, her feet far from the floor. Tessa walked inside without waiting for anyone to take off her leash, finding her usual spot beneath your coffee table.

“Ugh, it’s so good to see you, buttercup,” Tom said as he embraced your daughter tightly. Finally he set her down carefully and she grabbed the baseball cap off his head and ran away with it, excitedly jabbering about finding Tessa-dog.

“Hey, you.” Tom said, pulling you into his chest. “I missed you so much, this tour is feeling like it’ll never end,” Tom said, laying his head on your shoulder. You rubbed a hand over his back and nodded.

“It has been taking forever, we’re just glad to have you for as long as you can handle it,” you said with a laugh. Tom kissed you, his hands at the small of your back.

“Yucky! Mommy stop kissing Tom!You guys will get cooties!” Paisley exclaimed, sticking her tongue out to show her disgust. “Like I could ever get tired of being with my girls,” Tom grinned down at you and grabbed his bags, closing the door behind him and putting them down on the floor.

“Mommy, Tom, come look at my art work!” Pay was close to screaming now and you gently chided her, “Pay, inside voices only when you’re in the house please, I know you’re excited okay? We’re coming right now to see your artwork,” Pay nodded and bounced off to get her work.

“Ta-Dahhh!” Paisley shook the card back and forth and handed it to Tom.

“This is for you!”

Tom’s eyes widened, a smile spreading over his face.

“For me? Gosh, thank you so much, Pay!” She nodded. You helped to decipher the words on the card, Pay was young and needed a little help with some words, especially ones she didn’t know that were spelled phonetically across the paper in marker.

“Dear Tom, you are invited to come to dad day at school!” You read out loud. “It’s this Friday!” Pay yelped with a jump before either of you could react. “Oh, Tom you don’t have to go, okay?” He looked at you as though you were crazy, Pay looked like her hopes and dreams rested on Tom’s every word. “What? I’m honored! Of course I’m going! What do I need to do?”

Pay grabbed his hands and jumped up and down. “I knew you’d come! Now I’m gonna have a Tom for daddy’s day!” Your heart was warmed, as was Tom’s. You found a slip of paper in Paisley’s take home folder that explained what the day was for.

“Basically,” you said after reading over the sheet and handing it to Tom, “you just go in and talk to her class for a few minuets about why your job is, you don’t have to-”

“YN, please,” he said, putting the paper down on the table. “I’m so excited to go, I really am, okay? I can’t wait to see Pay’s classroom and all her friends and-” You wrapped your arms around his neck, cutting his sentence off. You kissed his cheek and rest your head on his chest. “Tom, you don’t understand how much this means to me- to Paisley, thank you,” Tom’s broad arms were wrapped around you tightly. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world,”

“You mean so much to us, you really do, today in the car, all Pay could talk about was you, I think one of her friends must have asked her about her dad, or something, she asked if you were her dad, and if you’d be at her birthday, and all that, just- thank you for being around. It means the world.”

Tom’s face was pink, he’d never felt so warm and happy in his life. “I hate not talking about you guys, every time I’m in an interview and they ask about m’ family, I want to pull out m’ wallet so bad and show them all the pictures I keep of you guys in there,” he admitted.

Pay once again interrupted the moment, barging into the kitchen and worming her way between you and your boyfriend.

Tom bent down to pick her up and she was sandwiched between the two of you. “Why are we hugging?” Pay asked, “because we’re so excited about dad day!” Tom replied without missing a beat.

“Oh, me too, I can’t wait!” Pay wiggles around to signal she wanted to be let down. she was still wearing her denim shorts and a shirt with a pony on it, her favorite outfit.

“Hey Tom, did you bring my candy?” Pay whispered loudly. Tom grinned. “No, I forgot your candy, Pay!” Her face fell and she tried to conceal her disappointment. “Oh, okay, maybe next time,” she said quietly. She watched Tom walk over to his backpack he’d brought in with his luggage and pull out a huge bag of candy. “I’m just teasing, buttercup, I couldn’t forget candy for my favorite girl could I?”

Pay squealed, “thank you thank you thank you!” She hopped up and down with the bag that was almost as large as her head.

“PaIsley,” you got her attention before she could tear into the bag, Tom looking absolutely delighted at her reaction.

“Only a few pieces before bed time, okay?” Pay groaned, throwing her head back, but nodded when she saw your raised eyebrows, picking out a few of her favorites and handing you the rest. “Alright, put these on the counter and you can have a couple more tomorrow please? Make sure that you brush your teeth after you eat them, baby,” by the time you’d finished your statement she was gone, showing the dog her candy.

“Thank you,” you smiled at your boyfriend for once again making your child happier than ever. “I got you something to, y'know,” he smiled and pulled out a box wrapped in pretty string. You opened it to find a book. “I saw it when I had some downtime and I know you’d been wantin’ to read it,” you brushed your fingers over the page of the book, thumbing quickly through the pages. “That’s so thoughtful, thank you so much, m'sorry I don’t have anything to give you this time either,” you sighed. “You act like your child didn’t just invite me to dad day at her school, I’m over the moon YN, just to be with you guys, that’s the best thing anyone could get me- oh yeah, open the first cover,” he said and you did, finding a piece of paper inside of it with Tom’s hand writing that said:

“Best mom ever (you) coupon: Use to redeem at least an hour of down time to read or whatever you want to do with free childcare provided by me, (Tom).”

You giggled, setting the box on the table, embracing your love again.

“Did I mention that I love you so much, and that you’re the best thing to happen to me since Pay,” you murmured. “Have I mentioned that I love you so much and you and Pay the best things to happen to me in my life,” the two of you kissed again. Pay let out a yelp and you raced to the living room where you knew she was with Tom right behind you.

“Tessa-dog ate a piece of my candy!” She whined, Tessa looked incredibly unbothered, so much do that you and Tom couldn’t help but laugh a little bit. “M'sorry, Pay, but there’s plenty more where that came from. Why don’t you go brush your teeth and get ready for bed?” You suggested and Paisley reluctantly agreed, walking up the stairs to her room.

“Tessa, darlin’ you stole candy from a kindergarten! Ya bad dog,” Tom teased, both of you knowing that there was no reason for upset.

Tom spent the night at your house, and picked up Pay with you from school the next day, waving goodbye to her teacher that recognized him from him coming to get Pay whenever he was in town.

“You were the talk of the class today, Tom!” You could hear Pay’s teacher say to Tom as you walked up to join them. “Was I really?” He mused, his head tilted to the side. “Oh yeah, Paisley is so excited to have you home,” Ms. Claudia said with a smile, watching as Pay tore from the doors of the school upon seeing her family. Her backpack bumping up and down with her fast pace. “You’re here!” Pay said, “Ms. Claudia, look! It’s my mommy and Tom!“ Ms. Claudia nodded, mirroring her student’s excitement. “I’ll see you all tomorrow at dad day won’t I?” She inquired and Tom was the first to nod in ecstatic confirmation. “We’ll be there!” You promised, and the three of you walked back to your car. Tom buckled Paisley’s car seat and you all went out for lunch, returning home si you and Pay could do school work, Tom helping Pay draw 3 things she could see at the zoo for her at home assignment and helping her get more than a few pieces of candy from the cellophane bag on the counter. While you worked you could hear them outside in the backyard playing with the dog, and you couldn’t help but wonder how you got so lucky in the family department.

That night Tom stayed over again, and dressed up in a button down shirt and dress pants the next morning for dad’s day, you wore a simple sundress, already having taken the day off work to make the event. “You look so dapper,” you smiled, looking at Tom as you pulled on a cardigan. “You look so beautiful, as always, obviously,” he kissed your cheek. Pay barreled into the kitchen demanding an extra special breakfast for dad day. You and Tom cut up fruit, poured cereal and fried bacon as a team, plating it all for Pay, who ate like she had the appetite of a grown adult.

“Are you excited? Pay?” You asked, she nodded, not replying back because her mouth was full of food. “Good, you said back.

When you made it to the school Tom turned to look at you just outside the door to her classroom, Paisley had already run into the room to find chairs for all of you. “Do I look okay? This isn’t too much is it? Or too little? God what if I embarrass her, she’ll never forgive me right? Ugh, should we bail? No, that’s worse, I just don’t want to embarrass Pay, what of the other dads think that my job isn’t a real job?” You cut off his anxious stream of thought with a kiss. “That’s why you were so quiet this morning,” you hummed, “Tom, you know you can’t embarrass her, she loves you too much, and so do I, and don’t worry about the other dads, you know that you’re the coolest one here,” you teased, pecking his lips again before leading him inside. “There you are!” Paisley said with enthusiasm. “Here we are!” Tom said happily, you could tell he was closer to being at ease than before. Many other families were there in the classroom, chairs set up in rows in the middle of the room, desks pushed to the sides so there was more room. A few dads went before Tom’s, an architect, a plumber, a florist, a salesman. Then it was Tom’s turn to go. You squeezed his hand in reassurance, noticing that they were slightly shaky. Pay flashes him two thumbs up and he smiled at the two of you. His nerves fading away when he saw both of you sitting down. Pay ran up to introduce him as all the other kids had and spoke loudly and confidently from her position at the front of the room next to Tom: “Everyone, this is my Tom, he’s one of my best friends. He always brings me candy from when he travels and also Tessa-dog, who’s a dog,” a few parents chuckled quietly at her unbridled enthusiasm.

“Tom is from-”

She looked up at Tom for support, he whispered the answer into her ear and she continued.

“Tom is from England, and that’s why he talks different, he has an accent. Tom is the best Tom in the whole world and I’m glad that he’s mine,” she finished, and with a confident flourish she said, “take it away, Tom!” Tom smiled a smile that stretched to both sides of his face and reached his eyes, he was beaming.

“Hi, everyone, I’m Tom Holland, that’s my Paisley right there,” he began, mimicking how she introduced him.

“I’m an actor and I really enjoy doing that, it’s opened a lot of doors for me, I’m so blessed to have the family that I do. I like to play with my dog Tessa, and visit Paisley and her mum YN when I’m not promoting a project” he said, covering all the points that all the other dads had covered before finishing with, “and I’m really, really glad Paisley invited me today.”

He sat back down. As much as he’d tried to hide them in the deep recesses of his pocket, you had noticed the stark white notecards Tom had made to practice off of. He hadn’t needed to take them out, and he pushed them down further, crumpling them subtly in his hand.

The rest of the dads present and then Ms. Claudia brings out a bowl or punch and a tray of cookies for everyone. You and Tom hold hands as you talk to the parents that you recognize, introducing Tom to them, all of the congratulating him on how well he did. None of their compliments can compete with when Pay tugs on one of his belt loops when they’re alone at the cookie table and he bends down to hear her say. “Don’t tell the other daddies because it’ll hurt their feelings, but you’re the best daddy here, Tom, I’m glad you came here, all my friends say that you’re the coolest dad and that they wish their dad was an actor too.” Paisley, like always explains her thoughts in one long train before stopping to take a breath. Tom flushes, feeling over the moon, embracing Pay as tight as possible. He wishes he could bottle up this moment in a jar, or frame it, but he settles for just enjoying it while it lasts.

You watch the scene unfold while you chat with one of your neighbors, an older lady who had adopted a child in Pay’s class. “You’ve got a good one, there,” she said with a smile. You nodded, “he’s the best, he’s been so understanding, and patient, and good with Paisley, he’s more than I ever had hoped for,” you said with a smile tugging at your lips as your boyfriend and daughter embraced tightly, completely unaware of your watchful eyes. “He’s a keeper,” your neighbor replied and went off to go find her husband and daughter.

You felt a tug on your sweater, it was one of Paisley’s friends that you recognized from play dates in the past, Josie.

“Hi, miss Paisley’s mom,” she said, you smiled, bending to her level of height. “Hi, miss Paisley’s friend,” you teased and she giggled. “Can I take a picture with Paisley’s dad- I mean Tom, I saw him in a movie and my mom said I could ask if I was polite about it,” she said, you smiled, “I’m sure Tom would love that. Let’s go ask him, yeah?” Josie nodded excitedly, walking over with you to where Tom and Pay were laughing and making their animal shaped cookies talk to each other in silly voices.

“No, Mr. Elephant, I don’t want any sprinkles, I’m a lion,” Pay said through her animal cookie to Tom, they both giggled but before they could continue, he noticed you and Josie. “Hey, love, who’s this?” He asked upon noticing Josie. “Tom, this is my bestest friend in the whole world Josie! We have matching freckles!” As always after Pay said this, her and Josie both pointed to random freckles on their skin. They hadn’t quite grasped that freckles generally looked similar and nobody had had the heart to tell them.

“Whoa! Hi, Josie!” Tom said with excitement. “Hello, Tom,”

“Hey, Tom, Josie wanted to ask you something,” you said, rubbing her back supportively as she posed her question. Tom quickly accepted and they took the picture together on your phone, you promising to send the picture to her mother.

Josie gave Tom, you and Pay a hug before saying to Paisley: “you were right, you do have the nicest daddy,” Paisley smiled proudly, nodding. Josie skipped away, elated. “Thank you, Tom, I know that wasn’t part of the deal,” you said. He wrapped an arm around your waist, your cardigan slipping between his fingers slightly. “You know I don’t mind in the slightest,” he smiled. The day went by without a hitch and by the time the last bell rang to go home, Pay was barely ready to leave, soaking up the pride that came with having the coolest dad, according to Pay, and all the other kids, it seemed.

Later that night, Paisley had danced off to go brush her teeth, leaving Tess under the coffee table and you and Tom on the couch sharing a blanket.

“You were amazing today, really, Tom,” you said for what felt like the billionth time. “Definitely the best daddy,” you winked in an over the top way to let Tom know that your intended double meaning of the phrase was a joke. He laughed at the joke, “shut up,” he whined, trying to hold off laughing to feign displeasure but failing. “Really though, you’re definitely the best mum, hands down,” he said, running a hand over your leg comfortingly. “I do my best, it’s much easier when you’re here,” you confessed. “Pay adores you,” he replied with absolute confidence. “Are you kidding, she loves you so much Tom, and so do I.” He blushed. “I love you too, YN, I know I tell you all the time but it’s just because I want to make sure you know without a doubt.” You nodded, “trust me, I don’t mind.”

Pay walked into the living room with Barbie themed pajamas and a blanket cape. “Tom, will you come tuck me in now?” He nodded, standing up to take her to bed, he picked her up and brought her to the couch where you were still sitting, a pang of jealousy shot through you at your baby wanting Tom to tuck her in rather than you, but was quickly overridden by the feeling of happiness that your family was so good together. “Tell mummy goodnight, love bug,” he said, setting her down on the couch. “Night, mommy, I love you,” she hugged her small arms around you neck. Your arms wrapped around her, planting a kiss to her head. “It was a good day, right?” She nodded quickly in agreement. “Make sure you tell Tom thank you for that, alright sweet pea?” Pay nodded again with a nod. “I will, mommy, don’t worry.” You smiled. “Night, Pay,” she yawned widely, “night night.” Tom scooped her up again and carried her to her room, knowing the way by heart.

You got up a moment later to get water and couldn’t help but overhear their conversation.

“Thanks for the great day, Tom, you were the best daddy out of all of them, all my friends said so, too.”

“You’re welcome, peach, I’m so glad you invited me,”

“Who else would I invite?”

“I don’t know, silly goose!”

“Will you tell me a story?”

“What do you want to hear about?”

“I don’t know, actually sing me a song,”

“I can’t sing as good as your mummy,”

“That’s okay, Tom,”

“Okay, Pay”

You could hear him start to sing her a song and you walked away back to the couch with your glass of water, your chest tight with joy.

A few moments later, Tom quietly padded into the room trying to be quiet while hurrying.

“YN!!” You looked up from the TV as Tom plopped down next to you, his hands grabbing your own, face glowing and his smile seeming somehow bigger than ever before.

“What is it?”

His chest is tight with excitement, he feels electric. “YN, she called me dad,”

Your world stops for a millisecond as the news sinks in. “She did?” Tom nods a million times in a second. “Yeah, YN, she said ‘night, dad’, I just told her I loved her and sweet dreams after that and-” he stopped to take a breath, leaning down to kiss your shoulder. “Thank you,” was what the next words out of his mouth were.

“What for?”

“What do you mean ‘what for’? YN you gave me all this, the family to come home too, somebody to treat like my own kid, YN you’ve given me everything I’ve ever wanted,” Now both of you had watery eyes.

“I just can’t thank you enough for bringing me into this family, I love my girls so damn much it’s scary sometimes,”

“We love you so much, Tom, it wouldn’t be the same without you here, it sucks when you’re gone.”

Tess jumped up onto the couch, finding a free spot next to you. Tom watched for a moment as you petted her fur gently. “Love all m'girls so much,”

You rested your head on his and felt more secure than ever before, your baby girl sleeping soundly in her room and the love of your life here with you.

You got up to grab the remote for the TV and blankets that sat lazily folded in the arm chair across the room, you laid down and Tom followed suit, resting between you and the back of the couch, your back flush with his chest.

He played with your hair gently with one hand while the other rubbed soft circles into your hip. You flipped channels before settling for some movie you didn’t recognize. Tess hopped off the couch, trotting over to the arm chair that she loved and circling around in the seat, plopping down and quickly falling asleep.

“She thinks that chair is hers,” Tom laughed quietly, you laughed too, “she can have it,” you joked, “plenty of room for us over here,” Tom shook his head. “I tried so hard to train that dog and you let her do whatever she wants,” he said, you could tell easily by the time of his voice that he was joking. “You act like she isn’t the perfect dog.” You said, looking up at Tess who peeked her head up when she noticed that attention seemed to have shifted to her. “You’re right, gotta give her some tough love, ain’t that right, Tess?“ The dog put her head down and the two of you shared another laugh. “The perfect dog for the perfect family,” you started with a yawn.

“The perfect family.” Tom repeated, the two of you sleeping more soundly than ever curled up on the couch together.

[isolated-loser]

Log 0027, ??pm, 9-????-2019

Monday, the 23th. I when to school, was in math class toward, then end of class we had to go to the board to get "class participation," because showing up isn't good enough, for this fucking bitch, me having stood there, for like five minutes confused at, because I was on the wrong question, because she didn't have them labeled properly. Said something like, my fantastic teacher Miss, McBitchface(iusedherrealnamenotthat), what am I supposed to do, I'm as dumb as a fucking fence, I don't understand what I’m supposed to do with this. Then like a minute later, she say go sit down “I'll find you,” me none the wiser, thinking I might actually get some fucking help, stand there for a moment as someone, a nether student, tells me what I was doing wrong, i.e. that I was trying to do the wrong problem, then I go sit down.

The people sitting next to me, ask why I said that, me still none the wiser, think there referring to me saying I don't know what she wanted me to do. Then at the end if class, I grab my things cuss I need to get to my next class across campus, the teacher tell me I can't leave yet I say something about the fact I need to get to a class across campus, she says something, I say something, she say walk with me, then fucking grabs my arm, hard and pulls me out if the class room, down the hall 20ish feet, then starts chewing me out, I'm still now sure why, and she's all like you know what you did, and how interpret that is, and then she's like now I have to report you for that, and bla bla bla, something something, bla bla, this can be a warning, then she  walks off. I had no fucking idea what I did, I was confused as hell. On the verge of crying, all I did was say, I didn't know what to do, so I'm in trouble because you a bad teacher now? I eventually, figure out it was because, I used a cuss word, at least I think that’s what it was. But this is college; everyone in here is an adult, most if which weren't even young adults So, I'm in trouble for using fowl language, in a room full of fucking adults. It's goddamn bullshit. I even forgot to sign the roll, so I didn't even get credit for being in the class that day.

I would have knocked this bitch on her fat saggy ass, for laying a finger on me. This pretentious motherfucking bitch, needs to get her shit set straight. Gods, all I could think about, most of the day after was how much I wanted to slash her tires; in a way that insurance wouldn't cover it. This shit, pretty much ruined the rest of that day. I was so fucking angry & frustrated. Then in writing comp, I was able to find out the paper, I thought I had due at 12am that morning, I have till then end of the week to complete. So that was a good thing. 

 Later, I went to the nerd shop, to run dnd. When okay. One of my players is going to split of and start his own table, which is good. Sad to see him go, but it's ok. It’s probably a good thing, honestly. I plan to tell whoever’s at my table, that I’m going to try to finish off my campaign the next few sessions. So I can start a new one.

Tuesday, the 24th. When to classes, really didn't want to go to math, that bitch put a bad taste in my mouth. But I didn't have much of a choice, had the test, left. Went to the cafeteria, studied for the history test I had no and hour and a half later, and worked on writing home work, then when to the history test. When I got the five minutes beforehand, I remembered I didn't have a blue book, I was all oh well, cus I thought it was for note to help you on the test, but no it was for the test itself so, couldn't finish the test. I was able to finish a little over half the test, so there's something, I guess. 

After I left Queen invite me over so I when to her place, after having to fight with my mother about a doctor's appointment, I had for nothing I cared about. 

When I got to Tess I hung out, did some more of that writing home work, watched an episode of Lucifer. That actually a really good show from the episode I watched anyway. Then my boy toy Witch boi, called me back and asked if I wanted to go with him to run errands. I was All like yah but I'm hanging with Queen, then queen was like he could pick you up here, then I told him. Then me and Queen watched more Lucifer, and I continue my homework till hottie got there, then I left with him. 

Did a few things, then we got to a parking lot, and he started his have existential dread, I try to comfort him through that, not well. I hate seeing him like that I care about, his bitch ass, and I want to make it better, but I know I can't. I honestly think I might really love him. Which, is tripping me out. I don't like that I care about someone so much. It's strange. It makes me feel weak. But back to what I had be typing about.

Then we eventually got out of the car, cuss hot dying. And leaned, against the back of his car, where he pulled me into a leaning hug, it was so nice. I love being close to him, I was still all in that, what can I do to help him feel better type mood, but he apparently need some more physically affection, and I wasn't going to deny him that, I wanted to be giving him lots of physical affection, but I didn't want to make him feel trapped, uncomfortable, or like I'm trying to get in his pants. Because I know when I'm flipping out, I can be really iffy about touch.

We kissed a few times, he said I looked stunning in the light of the setting sun, but not in those words, then went in to Barnes and Noble, cuss he wanted to get the new magic books. Then we did a few more things. On the way to my home, witch boi, was have tripping over every little thing, I know that minor inconveniences, can trigger suppressed emotions. But I really don't like seeing him upset. It makes me upset. He shouted at one point, not at me, but that, I don't like that.

 Wednesday, the 25th. It was alright, didn't do too, too, much. Started it of with a panic attack, Did my classes, got chewed out some by my bio teacher, but eh. Tried to help a dude I know, set up a game of vampire the masquerade. It was, what it was. Then I'd some math homework. And drew some, It's been a long while since I've had an urge to draw, that bad. So, I did. That's about it. Mood was low all day. When o I got in the car to go home I started having a nether panic attack, which was really not good.

During the ride I kept seeing in me brain, bad things. I was really mad at someone, I don't know why. Then I started saying really fucked up shit, and strangling them, then it flipped to where I was tarring open a type of dog and ripped its jaw bone from its skull, I could feel the blood.  I didn't want to, I really didn't want to. It was flipping me out really hard, then my boyfriend, Witch boi texted me, being like hay, and I asked if I could call him in a few minutes, he responded so happy like. When I got home still flipping out really bad, I called and he tried to comfort me. He was so patient, and caring, gods, I don't deserve him. After a while I eventually calmed down, and we talked normal then eventually end the call everything seem ok. He told me to call him later, if I needed him. Then I went and did my nightly-s, still a little messed up, feeling bad for making him have to deal with that.    

Thrsday, the 26th. It was a day. I didn't go to school. When to planned Parenthood to do the pre appointment to get an IUD. Then when I got there come to find out it wasn't a pre appointment, it was a lugit appointment to get the IUD. I was supposed as f. I sure as hell wasn't going to say no, cus that was the untire reason I made the original appointment. So I sat my happy ass down got it done. It wasn't plesint. It frankly sucked, but I was prepared for to yo be a lot worst. There were cramps but I got through it. Then I skeguled an otrasoned, to check it later. Then left, checked out the local spirit shop. The when to the nerd shop for DND. Started cramping badly about 2 hours after I got to the shop. Tryed to play I honestly wasn't that activity during the game everyone felt bad for me which sucks, but I was weak and putetick. On and of crying the whole game. Got a ride home with eyebrows. When I got home, I did my shit. Witch boi texted me, then we texted back in forth for a few, he was feeling not ok and need to call me, he didn't say such I could just tell, so seid if he need to call me he could and then he did, and we talked. So he doesn't want to effect me with his mental health, like that's even a fucking facter. Like God damnit. I fucking love this fool and he's worried about fucking up my mental health, my mental health is already shit it would be really hard to fuck up my metal health further than it already is. Gods I don't know.

Friday, the 27th. It was a day I couldn't get much sleep, and was still cramping, so I didn't go to class. Went to little wars, hung with Rat, played magic. I played 3 games, one on one with rat, that I won with 3070 1/1 rat tokens, that made my rat colunys super beefy, second me Rat and a nether dude, who killed killed me , then the last one where it was me Rat that other did & eyebrows, where me and eyebrows ended up being the last tow players eye brows fucking recked my rats, but I had fun. I would have played a few more games but the cramps were getting to bad so I when out side for a bit, then came back in, then back out, then back in. Witch boi then showed up, we went outside and talked for a while. It got emotional, and shit. His friends told him that that think that his relationship with me is to much for him right now, and he wasn't sure if that were right and shit. And we talked about that for a few hours, in which we almost bruck up. I hate that I let myself love him. We were seconds from it I should have just let it happen seve us both the fucking pain later. I've fucked up. Letting my self fall for him. I knew it was going to end like this. I knew I was driving myself over. I just knew. But I fucking did it enyway. I always fuck myself over

Saterday the 28th witch boi and I broke up.

A text to witch boi, form Sunday the 29th

*Start*

I feel like shit. Physically. Mentally. That's to be expected. I woke up having a panic attack, where I was shacking so hard I couldn't breath, desperate for anyone. I've cycled through, panic attacks, numbness, crying, over & over today. Why, I'm telling you this. I know, I shouldn't be, since we're not a thing. It's not going to fix this. It can't change what is, what happened. It's pointless. I guess it's just some bullshit attempt to make myself feel better, that isn't going to work. I shouldn't send this, but I am. I can't make it any worse, or maybe I can, but what difference would it make it all shaddered anyway. I'm not ok. I don't want to be. I would not have gotten here if I was. I would not be what I am. I'll take the ride as dangerous as it maybe. As desperately as I need you. It will fade. Everything dose. Days will pass the love will turn into hate before fading to indifference. As much as I wish the past days never happened, that everything was like before, they did, there real. Touchable. It can't be how it was. I let you see my black. I knew it was going to happen. The day before was a drop of water to start a title wave of nothing. I scared you. It hurts that I did. I didn't want that. I can't change it. I have my bad. I always will. Its not an option. I can't change it out. Even if I could I wouldn't. I never wanted it to end like that. I didn't want it to end at all. But it doesn't matter now. I don't think it ever really did. I wanted this to work.  I really did. But I broke it. I'm sure I could continue over all my missteps, but I'm not. There's no point in it. 

Here's a wall of text don't bother reading it, it does nothing

*stop*

Yeah it was a start time. I’m going to start logging aging. So bla bla bla. will post new up date tomorrow or next day.

 Signing Off…                                                                                                      

Favorite song today: N/a

Mood: Mostly lows

[jess-oh]

Reflection

ahhhhhhhhhhhh. i forgot to bring my Bible down so now I can’t do my QT here :( i do hope i find the willpower to prepare a smoothie for tomorrow morning, do the dishes, take a shower, and do my QT before i decide to sleep. this probably isn’t a good idea working so much when i have work tomorrow but im in that productive kind of mood! and yes, it’s my fault that i started so late but it’s okay! bc im here now and i at least want to work on it a lil more. i already got some ideas i actually like rolling into my portfolio, i started drawing more thumbnails, i got my 3 typography examples done, i started drawing my didot thumbnails but ended up getting sidetracked. but i did draw a bunch of boxes for it which is good! i do want to do a few more quick sketches for typography and then focus on my research papers tomorrow along with the design for graphic design. actually, i probably wont have time tomorrow since im hanging out with my roommates and going out to dinner with james, moon-hee, and others from downtown. and i know i could just skip out on that but i do want to do it. and then on saturday we’re checking out a couple different apartments and i so badly wish i could just stay home and rest and work all day on graphic design and typography but unfortunately, i cant. im definitely going to be staying up late the next few days as a result to make for the lack of time. 

but here’s what i really want to talk about. i had a really good conversation with shar today and i was open about my depression and how i’ve actually been feeling so bad about myself recently but then im so conflicted bc i want to share what ive been struggling through w/ others but i just dont think they’d understand. and it’s been such an unbelievable blessing to be able to talk to shar about everything thats been going on and my worries and concerns and dreams and hopes for the future and even though she cant fully understand, she does listen and does genuinely care and want to be here. i can see it in her heart. and i also know that just bc of who shes surrounded by, sometimes she can become corrupted but at the end of the day, she really is a good person and is really trying and i can see that whenever she does have some unhealthy habits like gossiping, it’s coming from a place of love and care. and i do really appreciate that and i do want to make more of an effort in sharing and being open and knowing that i am allowed to rely on God and other people and I don’t want to fight this losing battle alone. Because I won’t lose without the help of others. I don’t want to keep killing myself over this any longer. It is honestly so hard. It is. And it’s so terrible to feel so alone and so bad about myself. But if we’re being attacked this hard, it means we’re doing something wrong. And we are. Sharlene and I have been keeping each other accountable and being more open about our faith and we started a conversation with Mulan, Claire, and Dana. And I’ve been making conscious efforts in really investing into the freshmen at Lakeview and I don’t always feel like I can be open about myself to them bc I want to be their spiritually leaders but Sharlene did remind me that I really admired P. Billy and P. Daisy for being so honest about what was really going on in their lives. And that just made them better leaders in my eyes. And I do want to adopt that mindset too. i know that it is still so incredibly intimidating and scary to be so open about my faith at a school as liberal as Columbia but yknow what? It’s college. No one really knows what theyre doing. They just know that theyre searching and Sharlene was right, we’re planting so many seeds even in just discussing our relationship with God out in public, even if we don’t see it. There was someone that was having a bad day and felt encouraged by our passion for the Lord. There was someone that was wrestling with the Devil and won bc of something we said. And I know that I’m still having a really hard time letting myself cry and really let go and let myself be affected in front of Shar right now but it is something I’m working on. And I do notice how often I’m laughing during dark or heavy situations in an effort to lighten the mood and avoid feeling so bad but I do want to be able to just let myself go and not be able to distract myself with my laptop or phone or thoughts or anything. I just want to come before the Lord and give it up. I just want to pray. 

I just imagined praying really hard for Dana and I do want to do that for her soon. Whether it’s at the retreat or when she leaves or before or whenever. But i just want to let her know that God loves her so much. And every time he sees her making an effort to come out to church or reach out to Him or share about her experience w/ the church, He sees that and the biggest grin grows on His face in excitement for his daughter that is on her way to coming home. He sees her. And he wants nothing more than to just embrace her in His open arms. My main goal for this coming semester and just for this whole year has been making sure Dana has a solid foundation and faith with Christ before heading out to Korea. So even when she is alone and struggling, she will know who God is in her life and just really be able to let go and give it all up to Him. I’m human and imperfect but He is a God that does not judge but rather, loves unconditionally. And despite all her sins and drinking and dating and everything in between, He still loves her and is just waiting so patiently for her to come home with open arms. I do truly believe that. And I really hope she can make it to the lock-in. I don’t know what it will be like but I do want to pray for her. 

But yeah, it was just so nice talking to Shar today. But onto my day:

This morning I woke up at 7:45am by my weirdly very quiet alarm and reset the power in my room. Then I headed off to typography and had a pretty good time with Sara and this new girl I just met today and my stomach was having some issues for the most part, it was just a nice and pleasant experience. I had a good first day and good end to the week. Then I finally got my pizza bagel and the cashier was kind enough to save one for me yesterday, just in case :’) Oh yeah, I also asked a bunch of people last night for my defining characteristics and I got some pretty interesting responses. For one, I found out that Andrew wasn’t mad at me and instead, just lazy. And maybe also depressed but that’s just speculation. Now we’re talking again and I’m happy. But he actually wrote me a very kind letter which I was not expecting. I thought everyone would just give me a list, haha. So I was pretty surprised when people like Andrew and Jeanne actually gave me words of affirmation instead. Jeanne is always so supportive of me T v T

I am so cold down here, omona. But I’m listening to my Christian music still and even started to sing along and it just felt very normal and natural. This is who I am. A person that really loves and believes in God and wants to serve Him with their entirety. I do. 

But after eating my pizza bagel, I headed up to work and stayed there for a while and it was a pretty good shift! I enjoyed talking with Ari and Tess and briefly Michaela. Michaela even brought me fries :’) Cleaning and everything was pretty nice and fun though! It was a long shift but I got to finish my annotations  and everything else went pretty smoothly. I might actually draw my thumbnails at work tomorrow so I’ll have something to do. And then...I will work on graphic design, hehehe. 

I’m really bad at reaching out for help and even just praying about it lately and confessing it to God. I think I just need to be ready and willing to let go and take that jump and risk everything for Him. I know that I felt like that before and even though my heart is filled with so much fear right now, I know that it will be so much better once I give everything up to Him. I felt that joy before and there’s nothing like it.