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jackrrabbit · 3 years

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Adversary /// Overhaul x f!Reader (18+)

Summary: You make a deal with the devil to save your life, but it turns out Overhaul’s not interested in your soul.

A/N: Remember when I said I was going to do a fantasy collab and then dipped for like 9 months? Hahaha…anyway…

@pleasantanathema @ present-mel @shadowworks—if it’s not too late, here’s my part for the Pleasant & Strider Fantasy AU Writing Collab from a million years ago. Go check out the masterlist and gorge yourself on these amazing pieces!!

Tags/Warnings: dubcon, demon fuckery & occult things, big heresy/sacrilege/perversion of religion, sex in a church ft. Catholic sex guilt, other than that it’s not that bad lol, inexperienced reader, mild degradation, shameless camp and demon-fucking clichés, Overhaul calls you “little girl” 👉👈

He doesn’t look like a demon.

Not that you really know what demons are supposed to look like. But…red skin, right? Fangs and claws and swirling masses of bad energy. Maybe cloven hooves for feet. Yes, that’s the Disney version—but even if you didn’t expect a cartoon personification of evil, you didn’t expect this.

He looks like a doctor, you think. Lab coat hanging open, surgery mask pushed down under his jaw, stethoscope draped over his shoulders. No, he’s a little young to really look like a doctor…an intern, you amend, shifting back in your hospital bed. He looks like he fits right in here, not a hair out of place. Except for, you know, the polished black horns curling out of the sides of his skull.

Overhaul. It was written in the book. That’s the only thing you have to call him in your head.

He’s standing in the center of the sigil you drew at the foot of your bed before midnight, surveying the room critically without meeting your gaze. He looks annoyed—that’s not a good sign, is it?—but then again, of course he’s annoyed. You’d be annoyed too if you got summoned out of your cozy hell dimension in the middle of the night. According to the book, you’re lucky he even showed up…although ‘lucky’ isn’t really how you’d describe yourself most days.

“So,” Overhaul says after a long moment of silence in which you question every choice you’ve made in your relatively short life. “You’re dying.”

You nod.

“And you don’t want to be.”

You nod again, wondering if you’re supposed to be contributing more to this conversation. It’s a bit difficult when your mouth is so dry it feels like you’ve been eating dirt, but you suppose being in the presence of an unholy servant of Satan will do that to a person.

“Fine.” He sighs, frowns, and then finally lowers his gaze onto yours—and you shiver.

Those eyes. No human has eyes like that.

“Make me an offer,” Overhaul tells you, and through his open mouth you catch a flash of sharp white teeth.

Okay. Okay. The chirping of the heart monitor speeds up (as if it weren’t obvious enough that you’re terrified) and you fold your knees up to your chest and fidget with your ring and think. He’s giving you a chance to establish parameters. You’re supposed to start with his end of the deal, the thing you want from him. That’s what it said to do in the grimoire, aka the 19th century demonology volume your creepy cousin brought back from her pagan anthropology research trip in rural France. The one you keep hidden under your bed because your mother would burn it if she knew you were reading about summoning demons.

Offer nothing to a hell creature without first telling him your price. You know the words by heart, both the winding calligraphy of the original French from the grimoire and the rushed scrawl of the English translation your cousin left for you in sheets of lined paper layered between the pages of the book for you to read. Really, this is her fault. She was the one who slipped you the book, who told you that it worked, who snuck you the ingredients for the summoning. She was the one who left a bookmark at the chapter on this particular demon, one that specializes in ‘Contrat pour Remédier au Déséquilibre des Quatre Humeurs’, which she said meant a contract to cure any illness. Even his ‘name’ is translated in her hand, practically an afterthought in the margins of the page.

‘Le Malin qui Ravage et Rebâtit’— Overhaul?

You looked up the literal meaning of this phrase on your own. It did not reassure you.

“Girl.” His voice is cold, irate. Your eyes snap back up to his and it feels like that burning gaze is laser-beaming into your skull. “Do not test me. My time is limited…as is yours.”

You swallow. “How long do I have left?”

“Less than a single human year,” he tells you without a trace of sympathy. “Seven months, twelve days, three hours. Or so. You’ll be too exhausted to leave this bed in four months, and the pain will become intolerable in six… By the end, you’ll wish—“

“Stop,” you breathe out. The heart monitor is beeping wildly and you squeeze your knees into your chest, trying to calm down your breathing. “Stop, I—I want to live.”

“Of course you do.” Overhaul’s lip curls. “How very predictable.”

Be specific, you remind yourself, doing your best to ignore the stifling disapproval from the man—the demon—in front of you. Something about him (maybe how clean-cut he looks, maybe the indisputable authority in his demeanor) makes you want to impress him. But you didn’t turn your back on your religion—you didn’t draw pagan symbols on the floor in chalk, fill silver cups with various questionable substances (including your own virgin blood), and turn the crucifix your mother hung over your bed upside-down so you could let a demon make you feel guilty for wanting to survive. “I want to be cured. I’m okay with whatever natural death I have instead when I’m older, I just don’t want to die of this illness. I want you to make me healthy.”

“Simple enough. What else?”

‘Simple’? Your heart surges with something you’ve felt very little of since your initial diagnosis—hope. “T-That’s it. Just the cure.”

Overhaul glares at you. “Humans… Every vice in the world available to you, and you limit yourselves to the basest priority of survival.”

“But you can do it? You can cure me?” you persist.

Overhaul steps forward (quiet, so quiet you wonder if he really moved) and holds a hand out to you past the foot of your bed—you hesitate, and a second later you can see the muscles in his hand flex, stretching the latex of his plastic gloves tight over his knuckles.

Just do it. You give him your hand. Carefully. Like you’re scared the contact will burn you. It doesn’t (although his skin feels warmer than yours), but after a moment his grip tightens, sliding down past your hand to circle the fragile bones of your wrist and squeeze.

“Ow?” You wince.

The demon’s eyes flicker closed for a second, lips moving silently like he’s talking to himself—and then he drops your hand unceremoniously back onto your lap. “You could be cured before the sun rises this morning. I doubt your stay in the hospital will extend past the end of the week.”

He sounds bored, voice as flat and passionless as it was earlier, but your heart is soaring. Cured. You’ve lived with this illness for so many years, you can’t remember the last time someone told you you could be cured. And getting out of the hospital that soon? You can just imagine taking down all the decorations from the walls of your room here and setting them up in your old bedroom at home. You could see friends on the weekend and not take an oxygen bag, you could get a job or—or apply to college, you could have a life—

“That is…assuming you have something to offer me in exchange for the cure.”

Your stomach drops. You’d almost forgotten about the other half of the deal.

“Don’t tell me I came all this way for nothing.” Overhaul steps back, and the orange light of the candles you set sends strange shadows over his arrogant face. The fires look brighter now, and you find yourself tracing the lines of those shining black horns. In an odd way, they look natural—so organically framing his temples that you can’t imagine him without them.

“N-No, of course not. I have some money—I mean, my mom has some, and I can get it for you…” Which is half the truth. If you know anything, it’s that your mother’s spent most of her savings on your treatment and care. You probably have more debt than you have money in the bank right now—you’d try to get rid of that, too, if you hadn’t read in the book how important it is to keep your request as simple and straightforward as possible.

…Although it’s apparently not enough. Overhaul’s eyes narrow, molten gold irises carved into slits. “Even if I had a use for human money, do you really believe your life is worth so little?”

“No—no,” you say quickly. “I just thought—in case you were interested—”

The air crackles with energy, the candle flames spark bright blood-red, and the hair on your arms stands straight up. “I am not.”

“Okay! I get it.” You wave your hands back and forth, pulling your IV line from side to side with the motion. The book was very clear about staying calm and rational while you work out the terms of the deal, but that’s easier said than done when you have a real live (live?) hell creature in front of you. You always knew this was going to be the hard part—all the stories say there’s only one thing that a demon would be interested in, and no matter how inviting the prospect of living past this illness is, you know you’d rather die than sell your immortal soul to the devil. “I’ll give you anything except my soul! And—and don’t hurt anyone I care about, or— just don’t hurt anyone, okay? Other than that, if there’s anything I can give you, I will.”

Overhaul’s lip curls, baring a thin strip of those unnaturally sharp canines. “And is your soul really so valuable?”

This throws you for a loop. Isn’t that the standard deal? A soul for a wish? That’s how it’s supposed to work—at least in this twisted version of reality where you can summon a demon to perform unholy miracles for you. But if you think about it, it doesn’t really make sense, does it? Why would your soul be valuable to him? You can’t form an argument, especially since you’re not willing to barter it away in the first place.

Your mouth is pursed open as you search for a response, but Overhaul doesn’t seem willing to wait. A gloved hand wraps its way around the railing at the side of your bed, and he leans in closer. “Little girl…what makes you think you possess anything I desire?”

Little girl. You’re not a little girl, you’re a grown woman—and yet there’s no untruth in the statement. In front of him you feel insignificant, immature, weak. You have nothing real to offer, and something tells you that you’re not going to get rid of the demon you summoned without a sacrifice you’re not willing to make.

You twist your ring around your finger—the nervous habit you haven’t bothered to break because you’ve always had more important things to worry about—and the glint of silver in the candlelight must catch Overhaul’s eye because before you even notice him moving, your delicate hand is trapped in his larger one to give him a better view of the tiny piece of jewelry. “What is this?”

“It’s—um, a ring. A purity ring.” Has he never seen one before? Well…actually, that makes sense.

Overhaul turns your hand over in his without touching the band of silver. He’s looking at it closely, inspecting the lovingly engraved cross in the design and the inscription on the other side. “Matthew 5:8,” he reads out.

“…Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God,” you recite cautiously. It feels wrong to speak the words in front of him, but somehow you can’t help yourself.

Overhaul’s hand doesn’t leave yours. “This ring is important to you.”

“It’s a symbol of a—a promise I made to God. To save myself for my future husband.”

“To ‘save yourself’? To save what?”

You can’t believe you’re explaining this to a literal demon. You close your eyes and inhale slowly and taste smoke. “My…virginity. It’s a promise that I won’t have sex until I enter into a biblical marriage.”

At this, Overhaul is quiet. You give him a moment to answer, half expecting him to question why you think God cares about your sexual status (honestly, you’d be lying if you said you haven’t wondered this yourself), but he stays quiet until you peek up at him to try and gauge the look on his coldly handsome face.

He’s still staring at the ring. He hasn’t touched it—maybe he can’t, because of the cross?—and through the latex, his skin feels hotter than a human’s is supposed to be.

“Is there…” you start, but you trail off when you realize you have nothing to ask. You give a little tug to try and take your hand away and you’re surprised when your wrist actually slides out of his grip to fall back on the nest of sheets in your lap. You didn’t think he’d let you go so easily.

Overhaul turns his head to the side, eyes drilling into you so you feel like you should lower your gaze. The candlelight flickers in strange shadows over his horns. “This will do,” he says quietly.

“What?”

“In exchange for your cure.” The demon taps his own left ring finger, the place where the purity ring sits on your hand, and your heart soars. He actually wants that? It’s just a simple silver band, not worth much, but you’re not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Maybe it has some special significance because of the religious connotation. Your mother will be angry you’ve lost it, but you’re happy to cope with that if it means living to actually get married!

“Yes!” you blurt out before he has a chance to rethink his offer. Sure, you’ll miss the purity ring—you’ve had it since you were a kid, after all—but there’s no question you’re getting the better end of this deal. At least in your opinion.

Something flashes through his yellow eyes, something you don’t even want to try and identify. “The contract, then.”

You barely have time to notice that his voice has gentled, that it’s practically silken in comparison to before, when the candlelight flickers again and suddenly the contract is everywhere. Everywhere. Writing appears on every surface in the room, covering the walls, stretching over the ceiling, coiling around the sides of the hospital equipment and decorating your bedsheets until you and Overhaul are the only untouched surfaces in sight. The characters are inscribed in red, dark red like—don’t think about that, you tell yourself squeamishly. You can make out some of the letters, even a word here or there—French, you recognize, mixed with what looks like Latin and interspersed with what you can only guess are runes.

“I can’t read this,” you tell him, fidgeting with your ring for what you now realize will be the last time.

“I only need your name,” he purrs, and then you feel a fragile weight in your hand: a feather, pearl-black and glossy and too large to belong to any bird you can think of, its angled tip glistening with wet ink. There’s an empty space in the writing before you, and Overhaul’s gloved hand comes to yours again to guide you into place.

This feels wrong…then again, of course it does. Even if you’re getting off relatively easy and just losing your ring rather than your soul, you’re still making a deal with a demon. You sign your name, forcing yourself to think about the future you have ahead of you rather than a disapproving white-bearded caricature of The Man Upstairs wagging his finger at you for haggling with a literal servant of Satan. People have done worse things to survive, haven’t they? It’s just a ring.

You set the feather down and Overhaul sighs, thick black eyelashes obscuring his intense gaze for a moment—and then the contract is gone, leaving your hospital room as blank and sterile as it’s supposed to be (well, aside from the candles and all the other ritual stuff you threw together to summon a demon in the first place).

“Are you going to cure—heal me now?” you ask.

“…Patience, little girl.�� He’s pulling his glove off, peeling it down his fingers to bare the pale skin of his hand. You catch your breath and wonder what this is going to feel like, and then the tips of his fingers meet your cheek and—

you stop breathing.

It doesn’t hurt.

Or if it does, you don’t remember the pain a second later when breath floods back into your lungs. What you do feel is energy. Strength in your muscles, blood pumping through your veins, every inhale and exhale as light as a bird and freer. You feel healthy. You’re surprised you even remember what health feels like but you do: it’s like you’ve only been half alive, and now life is surging into you and through you and around you, bubbling up in your core like a spring overflowing. You blink rapidly, thinking you might cry from the sheer pleasure of it, but when you open your mouth it’s laughter that comes out. You’re healthy. You’re alive. You barely notice the IV line literally falling off of your skin because the hole where it entered your vein is sealed shut and healed perfectly.

No more needles. No more hospitals. Even without all the monitors beeping out your heart rate and measuring your vitals, there’s not a shred of doubt in your mind that you’re cured.

“Thank you!” you laugh, looking up at Overhaul and for the first time, not caring that he’s evil incarnate. “I feel—I’m okay! It worked!”

“Of course it did.” His expression is inscrutable, but he lets you have a few moments to enjoy your newfound health.

You roll your shoulders back, flex each muscle you can isolate one by one to test, make fists with your fingers and then run them over your hair, which is already thicker and shinier than it was a moment ago. Your body thrums with energy—you want to run, to feel the ground against your bare feet and the cold night air on your face, and you think you could do it! Your legs are already swinging over the side of your cot, ready to run barefoot out of the hospital if that’s what it takes, but before you can stand up Overhaul’s pushing you back down onto the bed.

“Have you forgotten your end of the bargain already?”

Honestly you did forget, but only for a second, only because you were so excited to just be outside again. “Oh, yeah. Of course.” Your hand goes to your left ring finger, ready to slip the ring off and hand it over, but Overhaul shakes his head.

“Not here.”

“What—?”

You’re falling. Your hospital room is disappearing, the image of your walls and your window and your bed disintegrating into yawning black, and you’re falling through it into nothing, into emptiness, and Overhaul’s still-bare hand in yours is the only anchor you have so you clutch onto it and squeeze your eyes shut. You want to scream—that’s the sane thing to do when you’re falling through miles and miles of empty space, right?—but when you open your throat the sound is swallowed up just like the light was…

Overhaul’s hand burns into yours, an improbable lifeline that you pull closer more out of terror than conscious thought. The slick, empty air rushes around you and you think I am going to die like this and then, incredibly, as soon as you’ve accepted your imminent demise, you feel your back mold onto a chilled, flat surface, vertebra by vertebra up to the back of your head, as if you’ve been lain down onto it.

Your heart thuds in your ears and you brace for an impact because your body hasn’t quite accepted yet that it’s not falling anymore—but at the same time, you know you’re lying down on something. You pry your fingers away from their vice-grip on Overhaul’s arm and feel around blindly for what’s underneath you, and when it seems reasonably tangible you let yourself open your eyes.

Way above, vaulted dozens of feet over your head, is a ceiling studded with gilt-edged frescoes and stained glass. It’s raining (even though it wasn’t in the hospital, you think) but through the massive panes of colored glass there’s enough oily blue light to make out that you’re in a church.

You’re in a church, with a demon. Isn’t that against the rules?

You sit up stiffly and look over at Overhaul, who’s standing at your side and looking down at you…which is how you realize the soft, cold surface you’ve been deposited onto is the blanket on top of the altar in the sanctuary. “Where...did you take me?”

“You should know this place.”

And you do, when you look around. It’s empty now and you’ve never been here at night, but this is a church your mother would bring you to when you were little, back before the disease got so bad you couldn’t risk traveling to it anymore. This is where you took your purity vow…the ring feels heavy on your hand. “Why—why—“

“I can’t stand human hospitals. Filthy places… How that reek of illness and death doesn’t bother your kind, I’ll never understand.” Overhaul pulls his latex glove back on. He’s dressed differently now, no longer impersonating a doctor—black shirt, black pants, and a…bird mask in red leather and gold. So are you, as a matter of fact. Instead of your hospital gown, you’re in a gauzy white dress that’s already been pushed up to pool around the tops of your thighs.

The slip is too thin for the cold, and you can feel your nipples standing up under the cloth so you fold your arms over your chest and hug yourself. “Why did you take me here?” The sound of your voice echoes off the walls eerily and you wish you hadn’t spoken so loudly. The reflection of your words sounds girlish, nervous.

“I told you. Your side of our contract.” Even in this dark, the angular features of his face are clearly concentrating—on you. “Are you already having second thoughts? Such a fickle little thing…”

“You mean the ring?” You reach for it again, ready to tear it off and throw it at him if that’s what it takes to see your deal through, but Overhaul snatches your hand away, pinning it above you.

“Not the ring,” he says. “The promise.”

The…promise?

A chill makes its way down your spine despite the heat radiating off the demon’s body and onto yours. “I don’t understand.”

“The promise,” Overhaul repeats—and you hear a sound almost like wings flapping and then he’s on the altar with you, knees straddling your hips as a single hand holds both your wrists above your head. “To remain a virgin until marriage. Your promise to God.”

A streak of lightning cracks down on the other side of the stained glass window behind the altar, illuminating the room briefly in spectacular pits of red and orange and yellow…and then it’s dark again, and the only color you can make out is the gold in Overhaul’s eyes.

“I’m going to break it,” he murmurs, lowering his head toward your ear right as the answering thunder rolls through the sanctuary, up through the altar, up into you.

///

Méfiez-vous de son piège, the grimoire said. Beware of the catch.

Of course it wasn’t just a ring.

Overhaul’s fingers are in—inside you, his middle and ring finger pumping through the length of your cunt like they belong there, like you were made to be touched this way. A mixture of your juices and your own spit cling to the latex because he made you suck his fingers before he put them in you and he hasn’t bothered to take his gloves off—not that you asked. You’ve been too busy biting your lip to try and muffle the moans that he keeps forcing out of you. He’s bracing himself on top of you with one hand and fingering you with the other, so your own hands are free to push into your eyes and hide your face…until he yanks your arm back and stops.

“Look at me.”

Your eyes are screwed shut and you shake your head back and forth, the movement shuddering your whole body right down to your pussy wrapped around Overhaul’s fingers. He slows the movement and kneels back, pushing one of your thighs up into your chest as he does it.

“Look at me.”

And you’re not sure whether it’s some unearthly power he has over you or the plain old deterioration of your willpower, but you can’t refuse him. You crack your eyes open and he’s glaring down at you, skin pale as ice in the blue light. Once he’s satisfied that you’re watching, the demon leans back in to fuck your cunt with his fingers, slowly at first and then quicker when he hits something inside of you—a spot, a place on the inner wall of your pussy that makes you feel like you’ve been shocked— heat blooms through you like blood in water and you gasp and he curls his fingers up to pet over that spot again.

“Wait—wait, that’s—it feels—weird!” You’ve never felt like this before. You’re not supposed to feel like this, it’s wrong.

“I understand you’ve never touched yourself, but don’t pretend you don’t like it.” Overhaul says, voice as indifferent and calm as ever even though your cunt is dripping clear sticky liquid over the plastic of his glove.

He pushes back in and grinds his palm over the little button on the top of your pussy—your clit?—and you want to scream. “No, I—I don’t—nnhh...”

Do you like it? The demon’s body is so hot next to yours, like he’s running a fever except you’re the one going out of your mind… You’ve heard metaphors for sexual pleasure before (that it’s like having something to drink when you’re dying of thirst; or that it’s the ultimate act of intimacy, love in physical form) but all of that’s a fucking lie. There’s nothing to compare it to, no reference that makes sense, because it doesn’t make sense—you don’t even want him to keep going, do you? You’re only doing this because you signed your name on a devil’s contract, because you don’t want to die and there’s no alternative…but that doesn’t explain why you feel so warm from the inside out, why you’re squirming and your hips are rocking involuntarily no matter how much you try to keep still. This isn’t right. You feel like you’ve been lied to.

A good girl wouldn’t like this.

Overhaul isn’t going to let you close your eyes, so you don’t—but the sounds coming out of your mouth are so…indecent (and how can you think these things about yourself? the word feels like someone else is saying it when you hear it in your head) that your hand is drifting up to your mouth before you can stop yourself, trying to stifle all of it…

“Let your voice out. I want you to hear yourself moan.”

Long fingers slide their way out of your pussy and then move up to rub quick little circles around your clit and you moan, like a whore, like a girl getting her cunt rubbed by a demon— “Oh, uhhhn—something, it’s—coming—“ There’s something building up in your core—a peak, a climax, something that makes you fist your hands in the nightgown he put you in (so tight you’re surprised the thin fabric hasn’t torn) and tilt your hips up into him, begging without words because you don’t have any to express what your body is asking for…

But he doesn’t give it to you. Overhaul takes his hand away from your pussy and the shock of the cool air after his too-hot touch is almost enough to send you over that edge—almost. Not quite. And without it, you’re left shivering and quaking, thighs twitching as your baser instincts beg you to just put your hand between your legs for once and hump your fingers to completion if the demon won’t do it.

You’re not going to risk that, though. Not when Overhaul’s dragging your body closer, bunching up the blanket on the altar under your spine, so your pelvis is angled to his… He’s already shirtless and you hear him unzipping his pants but you can’t bring yourself to actually look at him, even when you feel something hard and hot nudging up against your inner thigh and then aligning to your sticky wet slit.

“This will hurt a bit, but I want you to look,” he says, and you don’t even understand at first until you make yourself feel it—his cock, pushing up against your tight cunt to finish this, this perversion of what your first time was supposed to be…

And what was it supposed to be? Roses and candles and soft kisses? A nameless, faceless husband unzipping your wedding dress and making love to you with the lights off? The way the demon touches you should be cruel in comparison but it isn’t, it’s lighting fires under your skin and turning your brains to mush, so how is your body supposed to tell the difference?

It’ll hurt, you know that, you’ve heard enough about sex to know that it always hurts the first time for girls…women. It was already a stretch to fit his fingers in your virgin pussy, so of course his cock is going to hurt. You turn your head toward the window at your side and try on look out at the rain drawing rivulets like veins over the glass, something to focus on instead of him.

“I said look,” the demon hisses, and his hips push forward a bit and you bite off a whimper of pain. “Watch me take your virginity…look at your tight little cunt swallowing me up just like it was made to.”

“N-No—“ you whine, even though it’s not like you can ignore it. “Don’t make me, don’t make me look, I can’t—“

“Then look at me.”

It’s what he wants, some kind of wicked satisfaction he gets off on, but you’re lucky enough to even get an option so you choose that one, shifting your gaze up into his face instead of the place where his cock is pressing deeper and deeper inside you. Overhaul’s eyes are half-lidded and it’s hard to tell from behind the mask but the look on his face is…pleasure? No, that would be too human. Restraint, at least. He could just thrust up into your body in one stroke, but he wants you to feel it for some reason.

Maybe because it’s a worse betrayal of your chastity if you want to get fucked.

Lucky for you, though, you can barely feel anything aside from the pain. The heat you felt building earlier is draining out of you even as Overhaul tilts deeper, layering his chest over yours. You’re almost grateful for the modest barrier the dress provides between your torso and the solid muscle of his abdomen. His cock in your pussy feels like it’s too big too deep too much and it’s the first time you’ve felt like your body wasn’t created specifically for this purpose so you hold it tight.

“Does it hurt?”

A second of clarity makes you want to snarl (of course it fucking hurts, I’m losing my virginity to a demon I summoned from hell) and you dig your fingernails into your palms to stop yourself from saying it out loud. Overhaul pulls out a fraction of an inch and then pushes back in and you feel like the breath’s being pushed out of your lungs. “Yes! Yes, it—it hurts—“

“I can make you enjoy it…for a price,” he sighs, settling into a slow rocking motion of his hips pushing into yours.

And you want to, every sore muscle in your cunt is telling you to give in and give up, give him what he wants so you can enjoy it like he says—but you’d rather hate every second of this than make another deal. You shake your head quickly and because you’re still too afraid to look away from him, you don’t miss the look of surprise that flits across his face before he tamps it down. “I don’t—I don’t want to—like it,” you gasp out between thrusts. “It’s better if—if it h-hurts…”

This time it’s obvious—his eyes really do widen, and you feel some petty triumph at having caught him off guard like this. Who’s predictable now? you think—and then he’s lifting one hand off the altar at the side of your head and tugging his glove off with his teeth, and you don’t even have time to be afraid of what he’s going to do to you because it’s too late, his bare fingers are already stroking over your mound and onto your core, massaging into the flesh of your stomach so he can feel his own cock sliding in and out of you—

and it doesn’t hurt anymore?

You only have a second to try and understand—he cured you, he healed the pain from your first time just like he healed your illness?—before he hooks his grip under your thigh and folds your legs into your chest so he can fuck into you harder than before. His cock slaps into your pussy and you can hear it, hear how wet your filthy little cunt is, smeared through with your juices. It’s sick—the sound of skin against skin, and the moaning you can’t hold back, you sound like a woman in a porno and you wish the pain would come back just so you could keep hating what he’s doing to you. “What—what did you do—“

The demon ignores you. “It feels good, doesn’t it.”

“Nn—“ It’s deeper like this…deeper and rougher and you can feel it. Now that the pain’s been reduced to the dull ache of a stretched muscle, you can feel everything—his cock sliding against that same spot in your cunt that makes you want to squeal, the friction of his body moving against your clit, all of it, everything you wanted to block out— he pumps into you and you hear your breath sobbing out a moan a second out of rhythm, the sounds of you bouncing on demon cock echoing over the walls. “Please—ah, ahhh…”

“‘Please?’ Are you begging—me, little girl?” Overhaul pushes your thigh up and drags his cock through you, excruciatingly slow, forcing you to feel the thick head slide over every gummy wall in your slick pussy.

You shake your head, mewl, try to force your hips to stop rocking back into his and grinding your clit against him. But you can’t. You’re a—you were a virgin, for fuck’s sake! Overhaul’s immortal. Probably thousands of years of experience on how to make you feel like you want this, like you’re only alive in the places he touches you… You’re at his mercy, if he has any. You never stood a chance.

“Then are you begging your god?” His body lowers directly onto yours and like you’re being controlled by puppet strings your arms fold around him and rake your fingernails uselessly into the smooth skin of his back. You can feel the vibration of his mirthless laughter through his chest. “It must hurt terribly…to know he isn’t listening.”

“Don’t—stop, please,” you sob. “Don’t say—don’t stop—please!”

“Listen to yourself, girl—“ Overhaul’s breath is faster now, but you don’t have time to question it because you feel your peak coming again, the tension rising up through your cunt and your abdomen, harsher and crueler than when his fingers were in you but you want it just as much. More. “Has he ever answered your prayers? Has he...ahh, fuck—who’s the one giving you what you need?”

“No— please, please just let me let me, please—“ You’re talking nonsense now, begging for the release—at least then it’ll be over, and you need it, you need it so badly you feel your muscles locking up, cramping, your ankles crossing each other behind Overhaul’s back.

“Good girl,” the demon breathes, and then he lifts off you so he’s kneeling upright with the two of you still connected, his thick, heavy cock still speared in your pussy, and his fingers come down again to rub at your clit. Everything’s so wet you can hear the motion of his fingers slicking themselves through your juices, sliding up and down the little button over and over and it feels so good that a tiny part of you almost wants to drag it out, to savor it, but the rest of your body is going to die, is going to go crazy if the demon doesn’t let you cum right now, right now, right now!

And he does. Praise the Lord. The pads of Overhaul’s fingers pass over your clit one last time and your head rolls back, your throat moves but you can’t even make a sound, your legs shake and you cum.

You didn’t know it was like this.

Your cunt squeezes down on his cock, throbbing and pulsing and your toes literally curl (you didn’t think that was a real thing!) and your vision goes black for a moment and—oh fuck oh fuck i want this i want more how is it possible that i’ve never felt like this—you understand, more intimately than ever, why sex is wrong:

because nothing that makes you feel this good could possibly come without a cost, could it?

///

It must take longer than you thought for you to come back to your senses, because when you regain awareness of your body you’re in your hospital bed. You’re clean, too, and you wonder for a second if Overhaul bothered to clean you up? Or no…he probably just snapped his fingers and transported you back to your room. You’re not really sure how it works.

What you are sure of, however, is that you just got fucked by a demon. You’re sore in places that you didn’t know it was possible to be sore, and there are already bruises forming on the flesh of your thighs from how tight he was holding you. You don’t really have time to inspect these, though, because apparently your…ordeal (if you can call it that) isn’t over.

Overhaul’s still here.

He’s facing the hints of sunrise through the east window, dressed again in the immaculate lab coat and surgeon’s mask. “You’re awake,” he says without looking at you.

You nod hesitantly. You’re not really sure what the protocol is in this situation, but at least you’ve finally held up your side of the contract, right? And so has he. Despite having been up all night doing sinful things, you’re still itching to get out of this bed and test the limits of your healthy body. “You’re…going to leave, right?”

“Yes—”

At that, you sigh in relief and settle back into your starched bedsheets.

“But there’s one more thing you owe me.”

“Goddamnit,” you swear for the very first time in your life. After what you just did, taking the Lord’s name in vain seems like a relatively minor sin.

Overhaul’s mildly irritated expression doesn’t change, but he holds his hand out to you, palm up, the way you imagine someone would if they were helping you out of a car or requesting a dance at an old-fashioned ball. And really, you want all of this to be over—you want to get out of this hospital, you want to taste what the air outside is like, you want to distract yourself from what you just gave up in exchange for a future. At this point you’re just going to have to hope God isn’t as picky about the whole premarital sex thing as you grew up believing.

So you put your hand in Overhaul’s.

Slowly, carefully, like he’s afraid it’ll burn him, he slides your purity ring down your finger and balances it in the palm of his bare hand. It sizzles when he touches it, glowing orange until it eventually burns down into a ash-black circle in the center of his palm. Once he’s satisfied that your pretty little ring has been reduced to nothing more than a scorch mark, he closes his hand around yours and you feel something sharp, painfully hot, etching onto your finger.

It’s over in a second, but you still yelp and yank your hand away from him as soon as he lets you. “Ah—ow, what was that?”

He burned you, he literally burned you! He’s already healed it, but there’s still a thin, pale scar, an intentional one left wrapping around the skin at the base of your left ring finger. Like a wedding ring.

When you look close, you can make out a symbol on the back of your finger where the cross used to sit—and even though your conscious mind doesn’t recognize it, the sight of it rings out something inside your ribcage, deeper and truer than flesh and blood. It’s the devil’s mark, you think. It’s his.

“…A promise,” Overhaul says softly, and even though it’s a chilly morning, you can feel the heat of his hands on yours a long time after he vanishes back into the dark.

#overhaul x reader #chisaki kai x reader #bnha x reader #bnha imagines #mha imagines #tw dubcon #tw sacrilege #tw christianity #overhaul #chisaki kai #bnha #mha #boku no hero academia x reader #boku no hero imagines #my hero academia x reader #my hero imagines #boku no hero fanfic #smut

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buggyzwrld · 2 years

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method of modern love (highschool AU! henry creel/gn! reader) - chap 1

chapter 1 - cloudbusting.

(chap namesake: cloudbusting by kate bush. i love her.)

fic summary: you have it all, popularity, good grades, and at the top of the social hierarchy of hawkins high. never once have you ever needed help, you got it all on your own, and you certainly never messed with those considered beneath you.

however, that all changes when one night, your mom suddenly never comes back home from work, and her disappearance flips your life as you know it, upside down. you reluctantly seek the help of the weird girl, jane hopper, her d&d playing friends, and the supposed wizard boy with powers, henry.

angst, fluff, enemies to lovers, reader is an ass, gud stuff.

a/n: hey guys! my name is bug and I’m not very new to tumblr, however, I’ve lurked so much and I wanted to write my own story! So this is one of my first ever st fanfictions, constructive criticism is welcomed, i have two chapters so far of this fic! I’ve had this AU in my head for awhile! :)

Some notes about this au for less confusing purposes:

Takes place in Season 4 time frame, 1986, in Hawkins.

Some canonical events, such as Hopper’s “death,” Will & El moving to California, Henry’s age, Vecna, Chrissy’s death, etc. did not happen for the sake of this universe.

The lab massacre happened, and this is how Henry & El escape blah blah, he struggles with this, blah, blah lol.

Season 3’s finale did happen (minus Hopper death), and El lost her powers. Billy's death happened also.

Henry is 18 for the sake of a highschool AU, and a senior, he & El live with Hopper, and assume the names Jane Hopper & Henry Hopper, taking on a big brother/little sister relationship.

This is basically what I imagined would happen if Henry wasn’t batshit crazy (well, actually he still kind of is but... lawful evil maybe??) , and assumed a normal life. I’m explaining too much lol, but I hope y'all enjoy! :)

Reader is gender neutral, assumes "they" pronouns so the story is accessible to everyone to read! You can replace the pronouns with whatever you like, and reader can be as fem, masc, or in between as you like.)

this was written before vol. 2! so, if there are reveals that aren't stated here, remember this is just an au. thank you so much for reading :) !

The warm, humid spring air shrouded itself through the open windows, as the curtains danced lightly with the calm breeze in a tango. You stuck your head out the window, and took a big, heavy inhale of the air, and you could feel it.

This was your year.

You’d been saying it since January 1st, 1986, as soon as the clock struck midnight, this was your year. Looking over in your bedroom vanity, you smiled confidently, feeling content with what you saw staring back. Yes, you had good grades, you were considered popular, attractive, you quite honestly had all a teenager could want in their high school life, right? However, these things didn’t come easily to you, you worked hard for them, you fought tooth, nail, and sacrificed much of yourself for your position you acquired right now. You were finally considered one of “them,” enough to be of their social caliber, enough of their stature, and you knew now you never had to worry again about reckless teasing.

You had it all, and you looked with slight remorse upon the ones who were once in your place. Sure, you could feel a small empathy for them, you were no stranger to the way they were treated, but you kept it to yourself.

Shaking your thoughts, you finished the rest of your morning routine, brushing your teeth, fixing your hair the way you liked, putting in as much hair spray to maintain the style. Yes, to assume the popularity role, you had to conform just a bit, as much as you hated to admit, but anything to keep up appearances and not fall back in the deep end of being at the bottom of the social totem pole.

Walking into the kitchen, you saw your sweet, tired mother looking over the bills of the house, she smiled small at you, her lips pursed, and you could see the eyebags forming under her eyes, from closing up the shop late last night.

“Good morning, love,” She greeted, “you look awfully cute this morning.”

You looked your outfit up and down, blue jean shorts, with a brown button up shirt that had a funky pattern on it, tucked into the waistline, “I always look cute mom, what’s new?

She chuckled, “Well, that’s certainly not a lie.” She went back to sorting through the bills, organizing, writing things down in her tiny green notebook she kept for important matters. You popped two pieces of bread in the toaster, and dug around in the refrigerator for some strawberry jelly, when you heard her emit a deep sigh.

“What’s the bills looking like this month?” You turned around, face concerned, and eyebrows furrowing, as you knew the stress was formed on her face.

“Not good, pumpkin, you might have to help me out more in the parlor this month, and maybe,” She looked off to the side, “get a part time job elsewhere, too.”

You stared deeply at her, and gulped, you didn’t mind helping in the pizza parlor, after all it was a family business, and every one of your friends thought it was cool that your mom owned the hottest pizza joint in Hawkins. To keep them happy, you even cooked and offered them free food, at your mom’s expense. But the feeling was different, you had it all right? That's what you always told yourself. Your friends, who had two parents with nice jobs, a nice house, a nice neighborhood… you contemplated your thoughts, but pushed them out of your head. You were as good as anyone else, whether or not you had to put on a façade, you did it just as well.

“Okay, but my ACT tests are coming up soon,” You played with the beltline of your shorts as you spoke, “and you know this is important for my future in college..”

“Yes, honey, I understand of course.” She smiled weakly, and you couldn’t help but feel a feeling of guilt form in your heart, your toast popping out of the oven. You didn’t even want it anymore, but you smothered it with jelly and grabbed your keys, and bid your mom goodbye as you left for school.

Starting up your fairly modest car, which was fancy by no means, you drove to school, popping in a “Tears for Fears” tape, “Head Over Heels,” to play first. You bopped your head slightly to the beat, shoving the first piece of toast in your mouth, quickly eating it, tapping your finger to the beat against the steering wheel as you maintained a steady pace on the road.

Finally, you reached the Hawkins High parking lot, the brown school now in view, with students walking in to begin classes. However, as you were only paying attention to the students walking in, with the music blaring, you failed to notice almost hitting a girl, and a few other kids with your car.

“Hey!” You heard a loud yell, and you braced for the inevitable, as you knew it was possibly too late to put on the brake without some type of collision. However, your car abruptly stopped without you hitting the brake, and you looked over to see that weird girl Angela always bullied, Jane, and her ragtag group of weird friend boys. She stared you down intently, however behind her you noticed another figure you had only seen around slightly, Henry. He pierced you with a look of resentment you’d never seen before, and you could’ve sworn you saw some blood dribble from his nose, however he quickly took his sleeve across his face.

“Hey! You could’ve killed her!” You heard one of the boys yell, Dustin Henderson, you just rolled your eyes, not interested in offering an apology or arguing with a freshman.

“What an ass…” The other boy, Mike Wheeler, muttered as he watched you drive off, the others agreeing, making sure Jane was okay, and continued their walk on into the school building.

You pulled into a parking space, pulled your keys out, leaned back into the seat and emitted a deep, heavy sigh. You already had a run in with those weirdos, now what was next? Hopefully, nothing else surprising that you couldn’t act out your rehearsed emotions.

You heard a knock on your passenger side door, and you looked over to see none other than Chrissy Cunningham. She smiled brightly at you as she opened your passenger door and sat in the seat. “Ready for another day, (___)?” Her cheeks brightened as she smiled, eyes twinkling.

“If you say so,” you retorted sarcastically, smirking slightly, “I just had a sticky run in with the Hellfire weirdos and their supposed wizard, but to be fair, I almost hit her with my car.”

“(___!)” She exclaimed suddenly, “you’ve got to pay more attention than that when driving..” She stated the obvious, but I just gave her an “I know, I know” look, and she giggled a little. Chrissy was extremely sweet, one of the only few of the popular group that you truly felt was genuine, and that you felt had actual emotions. You weren’t sure how she fell in with such the likes as Angela, and her crowd; cold, ruthless, mean, and calculating, sometimes it made you shudder with the type of antics they would pull.

“Well, let’s get going,” You huffed, “we don’t want to miss the wonderful Mr. Brown’s Biology II class!” She shot you a “really?” look, as you knew it was her least favorite class. Although you were the age of a junior, you were graduating early this year due to how fast you excelled in your studies in your previous years, taking all senior classes. You were the salutatorian of the class as you knew so far, and this frustrated you. You had no idea who was valedictorian, but you knew you wanted to surpass them, it was only fair.

As you walked into class, you scanned the area. The regular people here of course, Bobbie, Ariel, Jamie… you made it to your seat, the middle of the classroom, second seat from the window, third row, you remembered. However, as you sat down, you took notice of the blonde locks, slightly lean figure, and blue eyes that sat in the seat directly next to you.

Henry.

Henry Hopper to be exact.

He made eye contact with you, as he must’ve felt you staring, shooting an uninteresting look as if you were a mere fly on the wall, and you sneered at him back.

How did you not notice? You’ve been in this class since January, it was now March, and you never noticed Henry sitting beside you? The incident this morning must’ve made you take notice, Henry was extremely quiet and never spoke a peep to anyone, besides his sister, and that whole crew. You still stared at the side of his profile in disgusting curiosity as he was now doodling something in his notebook, you taking note, peered over, it looked to be a spider. You shuddered. You hated those ugly creatures. He glared at you again. You glared back.

Freak, you thought, turning your attention elsewhere.

“Alright! Alright! Everyone!” Mr. Brown loudly exclaimed as he walked in the classroom, slamming the door shut, “today I’ve got something interesting for you all!”

You noticed Henry quickly flipping his page to a clean sheet, dammit, why were you noticing everything he was doing today? It pissed you off.

Everyone sat up begrudgingly at this news, whatever Mr. Brown, who gave 60-questioned tests, deemed “exciting,” couldn’t have been an amusement park field trip.

“Don't look so miserable!” He smiled, pushing his big brown glasses on his face as he whirled around, and wrote on the chalkboard, “Science PROJECT!”

He whirled back around and continued, “Today I decided, instead of another BORING lecture, to go ahead and begin our frog dissections!” Everyone looked at each other excitedly, hoping he would let them choose their partners. Chrissy and I made eye contact and she smiled, while I mouthed, “Pick me,” with a little wink.

“However, most unfortunate for you all,” He smirked devilishly, “I will pick your partners, wouldn’t be high school without the uncomfortable social aspects, now would it?”

Loud groans emitted from the class, specifically from the back, from Eddie Munson, the 2 year super senior.

“So! I put all your name on these little popsicle sticks, and arranged to pull two out from this hat!” He chortled a laugh, “Now, let’s see who’s our first two victims on the list!”

He shook the black top hat, everyone antsy in anticipation, hoping, praying they would be with a friend, or their hot crush, or a decent partner at least. “First,” he pulled out two sticks, “Christina and Laurie!” A small “yes!” could be heard from the girls.

“Second..” He pulled out two more, “Chrissy and. . .”

Your throat tightened with anticipation, hoping it would be you.

“Eddie!” Your heart sunk, you looked up at her, and she looked like a doe in headlights, looking to the back of the class, seeing Eddie roll his eyes a bit, mutter something, but nothing too judgmental, surprisingly. She then gave you a small smile, to which you could not return.

This went on for a few more names, your name not being called, and suddenly your stomach dropped with anticipation, why was it taking so long? Dammit, just call my name already, you thought.

Maybe, you begin to think, I’ll work on this solo, I wouldn’t mind that. You smiled at the thought, but the small hope came crashing down at Mr. Brown’s next names uttered.

“(Name) and….” He flipped the popsicle around as if he couldn’t read his own handwriting, squinting as he slowly spoke, “...Henry.”

Your eyes shot up from their daze of being out of space, and you looked over to the boy sitting beside you in utter disgust, he looked at you indifferently first, but after seeing your expression, he returned the look back.

How lovely.

(edit: chapter 2 here)

#henry creel x you #henry creel #henry creel x reader #001 stranger things #001 x you #peter ballard #peter ballard x you #stranger things #stranger things 4 #im so nervous lol this is my first fic #i feel like its bad lol #moml series #bugs fics

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heretherebedork · 3 years

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I am here to hurt myself by watching WBL2. I know it ends in a reward but the beginning is nothing but agony and why I haven't watched it before. I am already in pain just from watching any tiny amount of pain of these boys.

lol I am literally refering to this as my day of atonement.

... I did make a very nice Rosh Hashanah post but that doesn't make me particularly religious, tbh. Cultural Judaism, yo.

Also, pain. Hi pain.

Ugh, I avoided this pain for so long. Now I'm here for it. One post. I'm only making this one post. @absolutebl I'm doing it! I know how much you love this, though.

Oh, fuck it, if I'm trying to limit all my rambling to one post I might as well read more it. I ramble so much.

Ep 1:

Oh look pain. Pain. And more pain. Yup. Yup. I hate this kind of plot even if I know it resolves well. At least it's not cheating but STILL hi dying. Shu Yi is a darling boy who deserved better than five years of nothing for any reason and Gao Shi De should have been better than that. Even knowing it ends well doesn't make this easier. dgkldf GODDAMN IT SELF. Just watch the show and stop being a baby about emotional pain.

Awww, the matching ties! I've seen that post a dozen times and love it every time and it's good to see.

The fucking way Gao Shi De just tries to walk back into his life without a second word or hesitation or thought makes me SO DAMN TWITCHY. Poor Shu Yi. Also, Gao Shi De deserves every punch and slap and uuughhh this show was designed to hurt me. I HATE relationships falling apart. Absolutely my least favorite trope/plot point of practically all time.I hate it I hate iiiit I hate it so muuuuuch.

I mean, damn, the acting here is amazing beyond words, obviously. But that just makes it hurt more. Especially Shu Yi's pain that he's put behind so much anger and work just to keep himself functional and it's damn gorgeous DAMNit.

Ep 2:

Darling Shu Yi deserved so much better. Even though Gao Shi De wasn't cheating on him, he deserved better than the silence and disappearance and he deserves the goddamn world. Ugh literally like a minute into the episode and already there is so much pain. I know they end up happy but I almost want to just tell Shu Yi to tell Gao Shi De to fuck off forever.

Nope, Gao Shi De, you deserve the pain. Shu Yi does't, you do, your upset doesn't get me upset. Shu Yi's pain is the only one I regret in this show. But, seriously, doing all this in front of the whole company is such a bastard move in his part honestly. Poor Shu Yi, seriously.

I do love my tiny obviously favorite character, though, and his tiny inability to sit and his tiny double hands for everything and I adore him beyond measure.

Ugh, Shu Yi choosing to fake the return of trust and friendship and love and I am proud of him for doing that and no, I don't care, Gao Shi De deserves it. I mean, it's not a good or healthy choice but, you know what, I'm okay with that.

But seriously. Poor Shu Yi. Has to deal with being ghosted and then Gao Shi De's return and then an extremely drunk ex crying on him when he's just trying to go to work... at midnight, okay, maybe not healthy either.

Ep 3:

Oh, Gao Shi De. You're an idiot. I mean that... only with a tiny bit of affection and mostly with me rolling my eyes. Making a promise to his dad wasn't bright of you. I mean, seriously, 5 years without contacting him, telling him what happened and on the condition that Shu Yi doesn't try to move on in five years of being completely ghosted. That's just dumb to an astonishingly level of dumb.

Ugh, poor Shu Yi. Your dad and your ex are both idiots and they deserve to get away from you just like you want. Seriously. You poor young man. You deserved so much better from the people you love.

But seriously fuck Gao Shi De and Shu Yi's dad. You're both idiots who don't deserve him. Especially his dad. But also especially Gao Shi De. Seriously. This is why we talk to people, damnit. Poor Shu Yi.

Why, yes, that's my main take away from this show. Shu Yi deserved so much better. Gao Shi De's need to constantly solve everything by himself is the biggest problem in the show, oy vey.

OF COURSE he wants to go back to that time. He was loved and loved and trusted you and happy and comfortable and who wouldn't want to go back to that?

Yu Zhen Xuan is my darling, obviously, and Pei Shou Yi's wanting to take care of him but also to stay away from him for his own sake. Oh, boys.

Ep 4:

I know they get better at some point. I really do. Shu Yi is still breaking my heart, though. I just want to see the poor darling smile and not in a flashback.

Oh, Shu Yi. You deserve the world, seriously. I mean, I'm glad you've managed to come back around to trying to believe in Gao Shi De. I really am. But man he doesn't deserve it. But also ugh, this embrace, utterly fantastic. Darling Shu Yi is finally smiling!

And poor Yu Zhen Xuan trying to ask about Pei Shou Yi so deseperately and being denied everything... ugh, I love him so much. But mostly just Yu Zhen Xuan wanting that connection so badly but always, again and again, denied and I just want to comfort him so badly. Yes, he's coming to you but, I mean, what is friendship but going to other people for comfort? Awww, the two ramens. The BABY.

But also darling Shu Yi is finally smiling and Gao Shi De does bring him comfort and love and they're genuinely good to and for each other, at least, once they're together. Now they just need to actually talk to each other about what happened.

The simultaneous "DAD" was gorgeous. Okay, that was really good.

Ep 5:

Ah, my long awaited darling boy's backstory that I know and love. The tiny panic and fear and the way he jumps and fights back at the tiniest thing... I love this feral teenager SO MUCH and then he grows up into a CTO for a major company and it's even better.

Plus, Pei Shou Yi looking for him after telling him not to come back because the mug got returned? Ugh, heartbreaking but in like a sad, small kind of way.

And the darling CEOs teasing each other in front of their employees while also in suits and being uplifting and good at supporting them? A+ how does one go about getting bosses like that? Also, how Shu Yi looks at Gao Shi De when he's being a good boss? Also A+.

Okay, yes, they're adorable and tiny and the piggyback ride while also in suits and looking fine is simple the best of the best and Gao Shi De taking care of Shu Yi while also confronting his father is frankly amazing. Oh, darling boys.

Gao Shi De, he already admitted that he did this entirely to trick you and Shu Yi is perfectly willing to take a stand against his father. Stop trying to win him over. Let Shu Yi handle his family. His dad's an idiot and he's not gonna listen to you.

Ep 6:

More backstory for my darling feral teenager and the doctor who took care of him at his lowest. I love them both so much. I wish they'd gotten more of a story but I'm not entirely sure I want a third season about them either.

Portable boyfriend! Well! Portable boy... friend...

Also, Shu Yi and Gao Shi De, you have no right to talk about them not communicating, seriously boys, love you to death but seriously communication... actually, honestly, Shu Yi is great at communication. He can criticize them. Gao Shi De has no right.

Pei Shou Yi, seriously, you say these things about not having any emotion but you also admit that you knew he evoked a response from you. You definitely remembered and had feelings about him when you were separated. I mean, you even saved the ramen that was his favorite. You looked for him. I know it's scary but that's okay.

Shu Yi is just so adorable about meeting the in-laws and being all awkward and adorable and it's beyond cute and then the talk about his dad and family and they're just adorable and domestic and sweet and how dare they.

Literally, Shu Yi is the best person in the world and the two people who love him most can learn a lot from him.

Ugh, Yu Zhen Xuan is my baby and I love him so much and he's just doing his best to be his best and he wants to love and be loved but he's trying so hard and I love him so much. He's just such a darling and he also deserves the world and to be loved just as he loves.

And we had to have another pool kiss, of course, what darlings.

Pei Shou Yei: I don't experience emotions... except the ones involved in protect Yu Zhen Xuan because those aren't emotions, those are just natural urges and don't count.

Awww, proposals are always adorable and sweet.

I did it! I've finally watched the whole thing, between dramacool and dailymotion I've managed to watch this show. Yay for me!

#bl drama #bl series #i'm not really gonna tag this #i'm so late to the game #but also agony #so you know #lol i finally did it #now my list of shows i have considered watching but chosen not to is at least one shorter

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investmentofmyheart · 4 years

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beware reader — this contains * opinions *

A [spoiler free] Throne Of Glass Series Review.

It’s been a few months now since I finished reading the Throne of Glass series by Sarah J Maas for the first time. Now that I’ve gained some distance from it (and peered into the fandom, the critics, and the haters) I think I’ve assembled quite a lot of thoughts and critiques for these books, as well as a lot of love honestly.

Overall

The series wasn’t very good. And I enjoyed it. It was just the fantasy trash I needed to get out of a reading slump.

If you’re in it for the reasons I was — you like fantasy, you like (critically) trash books, assassins, royals, magic, gods, a dog, a lot of the tropes and cliches present in ya are fun for you, and you’re honestly in it for the memes a bit ... — it is worth reading. It was so much fun, and as much as I recognize its unoriginality and honestly bad plotting at some points, I also had so many moments that I really loved, and a couple I thought were brilliant. .... I did catch the first two major twists on page one though lol but I still enjoyed it.

⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ a solid three stars as a whole. for what it was, fun fantasy, it was amazing, but pretty par for the course in the scheme of things.

By book

no wrong answers, your rank is valid too ... but like

these are ordered from favorite to least favorite!

Queen of Shadows

this, the fourth in the series, has a lot of my favorite moments, and I think that’s why it’s in a tier of its own. it’s both the finale to a lot of the threads introduced in tog and the prequel as well as the start of something new. the new and old characters and all their plot lines coming together is always just the best. ... what a birthday party am I right?

Empire of Storms

The ending in this book might be my favorite. As a whole, this fifth book is a really fun ride. I always enjoy being in the thick of things. Also pirates.

Throne of Glass

The first book feels very different from the last five, which is likely why people seem to so often like one part and not the other. But I really liked both and I think this holds up as some of my favorite parts of the series. The intrigue being in the castle for the first time and meeting that main trio is just the best. — the main trio being celaena, nehemia, and fleetfoot ofc.

The Assassins Blade

I never know if my praise for this prequel is partially just because of how the threads come back later but I remember really enjoying it when I never knew that too. The last novella is probably my favorite here, but the last three all captivated me. Having this backstory really enhances the series, and t h e e n d i n g ... sorry eos this one is my favorite actually.

Heir of Fire

Dammit wait this might be my favorite ending. No no second or third. Honestly I remember this being a little long to me, but it introduces two new characters that completely change the game and marks the start of something new. The enemies ish thing feels a little forced but I’ll allow it. There is that one scene that I love hate love ... you know what I’m talking about .... and chaol * sigh *

Kingdom of ash

This was disappointing. Worth the read, I hold it dear, but it was very disappointing. Disappointing because it failed to ever surprise me. Okay, it got me once, but that was it I swear. It did a good job of holding my attention despite the page count, it was mostly well realized, and it was bittersweet saying goodbye to the characters. But ... say it with me ... plot armour

Tower of Dawn

I was often quite bored. It has its moments. The characters are given space to breathe, which is nice. But the one book without Celaena feels ... off, and there isn’t as much plot? It’s okay. It really did make me like these two more. Also Chaol never shuts up about Dorian lmaooo

Crown of midnight

I was bored for the first half and confused for the second. There are a lot of notable, unskippable parts to this, and it was worth reading — necessary in order to read the series — but like? the least cohesive. I also think that midpoint was one of the worst developed plot points, it was annoying as a reader and upsetting as a fan ... and yeah. Mort though.

#throne of glass #long post #ya review #book review #books

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makeste · 5 years

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BnHA Chapter 252: Suplex of Feels

Previously on BnHA: Deku, Kacchan, and Shouto visited Todobrook Heights one time, just the one!!, so of course it just so happened to also be the one time that Natsuo got straight up kidnapped by a villain for no reason because THAT’S JUST HOW LIFE GOES. Thankfully for Natsuo, the Terror Trio had kind of a Cinderella thing going on where if they didn’t beat a villain before Endeavor by midnight, their character development would turn back into a pumpkin, and I’m not really sure I stuck the landing on that metaphor but anyway! So Shouto used Flashfire to roast the villain alive, Deku used Blackwhip to save some hapless civilians who got caught in the crossfire of everything, and Kacchan used his cool fast explosions which don’t have a new name yet because he’s focused on more important things to rocket over and save Natsuo from becoming roadkill. And then Endeavor gave him and Natsuo a BIG OL’ HUG and my heart went, oh.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi grabs a handful of raw, squishy feels out of a bucket and just full on slaps me across the face with them. Endeavor has a moment of agonizing, excruciating vulnerability and apologizes to Natsuo for everything -- like, everything -- and says Natsuo doesn’t have to forgive him, and that in fact he doesn’t want him to forgive him, and that he just wants to atone for everything he’s done. And just, I can’t even describe the scene, but it’s just perfect down to the last detail, and exactly what I wanted. And meanwhile Deku, Shouto, and Kacchan stand there watching, and then Kacchan has a fucking epiphany and FINALLY DECIDES ON A HERO NAME!!, and I completely lose my goddamn mind, only to then be brought down to the lowest of lows when he immediately says that he’s not going to reveal it yet because THERE’S SOMEONE ELSE HE HAS TO TELL FIRST. So once I’m done sighing, we cut to later and Endeavor is all “Fuyumi I’m gonna buy a house for you guys so you can all live a happy life with your mom and never see me again,” and yeah. You guys I am in shambles.

hey everyone, whoever is doing Mangastream’s thumbnails every week deserves a raise though

especially since they’re not actually getting paid for it at all lol. their resolve to find the most ridiculous Kacchan expression every week and slap it on their home page is 100% a labor of love. AND IT SHOWS

lol and here I was half-worried the chapter would pick up after all the dust had settled, and we’d miss out on this glorious scene of Kacchan acting like he’s the goddamn wicked witch of the west and the sprinklers just turned on. anyways, I know what I’m thankful for this holiday

HAHAHAHAHA

I’D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE AND THANK ALL OF OUR SPONSORS AND OUR GREAT CREW WHO MADE THIS ALL POSSIBLE. SHOUT OUT TO ENDING, YOU’RE THE REAL MVP. BIG “HEY WHAT’S UP” TO TOUYA, WHO STRAIGHT UP DIED JUST SO ENDEAVOR COULD HAVE ANGST AT A CRITICAL MOMENT AND FORCE KACCHAN TO BE THE ONE TO SAVE NATSUO INSTEAD. AND A HUGE FUCKING “YOU THE MAN, BRO” TO THAT MORON SPEEDING BLINDLY IN THE TAXI CAB WHILE ON HIS PHONE AND NOT PAYING THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF ATTENTION TO THE ROAD IN FRONT OF HIM! WITHOUT YOUR RECKLESS DISREGARD FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY AND THAT OF OTHERS, THIS NEVER COULD HAVE HAPPENED. OH GOD, THEY’RE PLAYING THE MUSIC NOW, I GOTTA HURRY UP... AH... I’M SO GRATEFUL TO ALL MIGHT, GIVER OF SO MANY LEGENDARY HERO HUGS, AND TO SLIDIN’ GO, YES REALLY SLIDIN’ GO, WHO ESTABLISHED THIS GAG BACK IN CHAPTER 219. YOU BOTH WALKED SO ENDEAVOR COULD RUN. AND LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST, TO HORIKOSHI KOUHEI, WHO IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DETERMINED TO HAVE EVERY PRO HERO IN THE COUNTRY HUG KACCHAN BEFORE THE SERIES IS OVER. YOUR TIRELESS EFFORTS ARE THE REASON I GET OUT OF BED EVERY MORNING. GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND GOOD NIGHT

anyway

sorry Kacchan this is just your life now. you’re just stuck here. by the way, Endeavor really is just an absolute MOUNTAIN of a man, though?? like, a whole, absolute unit. like remember a few chapters ago when I was joking about how he was eight feet tall? well Natsuo is 5’11” according to the wiki, and you can tell by looking at him that he is a solidly built guy. like, he eats his fucking Wheaties. and Endeavor is still able to FULLY WRAP HIS ARMS AROUND both him and Katsuki together WITH ROOM TO SPARE and just. ?????? WHAT EVEN IS THIS MAN good grief

anyway poor Natsu looks close to passing out though so maybe you fucking should let them go Endeav

SDLFKJSDLFKH

1) seriously though look at how big his hands are jesus christ is he even a human!?!?

and 2)!! the amount of sheer detail which was put into this panel, with the facial expressions and the shading and all, only for Katsuki to open his big fucking mouth with ABSOLUTELY NO REGARD! like, this could have been one of the most heartrending panels in the entire series. but instead it’s forever immortalized with Bakugou fucking Katsuki and his brutal fucking speech bubble interjecting with the most vicious insult his angry toddler brain could think of. this panel has the same energy as Deku receiving a heartfelt thank you letter from a child whose life he saved only to unfold it and read that iconic opening line, “SORRY FOR PUNCHING YOU IN THE BALLS LOL”

oh my

boy took matters into his own hands. after Enji just STRAIGHT UP IGNORED HIS PLEAS lmao. this entire chapter is a gift, and we’re only on the second page. also that katakana there is all “SUPON”, which I don’t know what that means, but I have to tell you that to me this felt more like a “ZWOOP.” but that’s just how I personally read it

eyyyyy and there’s our half-naked lukewarm boi

and look, I’m not advocating for Shouto to actually be walking around half naked, because this is a children’s manga and Shouto is just a baby, and that kind of thing is obviously inappropriate unless you’re [checks notes] one of his female classmates, who just like Shouto are also only teenagers, but it’s okay for them because they have boobs. hey wait

but anyway, I will say that I appreciate that his uniform really did burn off just as you would expect, and that he used his ice quirk to preserve his modesty lol. quick thinking on his part

meanwhile all the people Deku rescued are stumbling out of their cars nauseously and thanking him. I like how all of the other traffic on this highway has apparently just come to a halt now. I wonder if the Endeavormobile also came equipped with some traffic cones and road flares that launched out of the trunk along with the costumes

oh hey a BakuDeku interaction, don’t mind me, I’m just... [folds hands on desk and leans forward]

someone please tell me what he actually called Deku here because I’m dying to know. anyways whatever it was, “dumb-ku” is a great translation. it’s just the right amount of stupid and immature, and I love how Deku just fucking answers to it anyway like shrug, whatever

also love how the first thing Katsuki asks is whether anyone is hurt. swear to god this kid makes me love him more with each passing week

fond sigh

okay guys, I’m getting more and more excited here now, and let me explain why. it’s because Katsuki, despite having achieved (as Deku points out) a complete and perfect victory here, is very obviously agitated and angry still. and I think the reason for that is because even though he’s achieved the goal Endeavor set out for them, he still hasn’t achieved what he wanted from this internship. the other two have! Deku accomplished his goal of gaining more control over Blackwhip, and Shouto is now well on his way to mastering Flashfire. but Katsuki specifically came here with the intent of discovering something intangible that he couldn’t put a name to. and even though he’s gotten stronger just like the others, he still hasn’t achieved what he set out to do yet, and I think he’s getting frustrated by it. and the reason I’m so excited is because I think we’re inching closer and closer to seeing that finally get resolved. ahhhhhhh

(ETA: THIS CHAPTER IS THE MONKEY’S PAW WISH OF CHAPTERS.)

anyway I’ll shut up now and read. here’s Katsuki bragging to Endeavor, and Endeavor doing his best All Might impression what the fuck

that line could have come straight out of All Might’s mouth and it would have sounded 100% natural. well everyone, we did it. we fucking broke Endeavor. I hope you’re happy. lol what the fuck is happening what is this

DFKLSLDGHK

I fucking see those wobbly speech bubbles Endeavor, are you crying, because -- !! holy shit this chapter is taking my emotions all over the place

lol Kacchan’s pissed off that Endeavor isn’t more pissed off about being shown up by some punk kids

Deku’s eyes. this chapter. I just

ohhhhhhhhhhhh shit here we go

for everyone out there who was worried that Natsu would just forgive Endeavor outright after the events of this chapter, I think we’ve arrived at the part where your fears are assuaged. I pretty much expected this was how it would go down, because for all the criticism he’s been getting week after week, Horikoshi has been writing the Todorokis realistically and consistently throughout this entire arc, and this was the natural conclusion based on what we’ve seen up till now. Natsuo won’t just forgive Endeavor just like that, because why would he? and Endeavor just has to deal with it. and it’s all very sad and painfully real

SON OF A BITCH

the fucking words “I’m sorry” really just came out of his mouth at last, holy shit. this is the first time, right? as far as I can recall, anyway. oh shit

oh shit

my fucking jaw. just dropped. just. fuck me, I wasn’t ready for this. sure Enji, just go ahead and pour your heart out. lord

imagine if his voice actor goes all out in this scene like Katsuki’s did in episode 61. holy shit, I never thought the thing that destroyed me would be a sad confession in a fucking shounen manga by the character I used to despise. life is funny

ohhhhhhhhhh

[awkward glance around the fandom] soooo. how’s everybody doing? aheh. [coughs]

oh shiiiiiiIIIIItttt

oh look at that, Endeavor didn’t actually murder his child, who could have predicted that. but maybe I’ll just shut up now though since I’m not here to start any shit

and the pain train to feels junction just keeps on chugging. fuck

YOU SEE!! BRUTAL!! RUTHLESS!! SO REALISTIC IT HURTS. Endeavor is genuinely sorry, but it’s all coming way too late to be of any use! and Natsuo is so pained because he honestly probably would like nothing more than to be able to forgive his dad, and for them to all just be a happy, normal, loving family again, but he can’t. because they’re not. and apologies can’t erase the past, or make up for it. there is no way to change what happened. Touya’s still dead, and the scars from all those years of neglect and abuse are still fucking there, and they’re not just going to go away, even if Enji is remorseful. Enji becoming a good man now doesn’t make up for all the years that he wasn’t! he can’t just undo it! and that’s the tragedy of it!! you feel so bad for the man -- or at least, I do -- but at the same time, part of the atonement process is to accept the consequences of everything he did!

and also, for everyone saying he hasn’t faced any actual consequences yet -- one person in particular sent me a very detailed and thoughtful ask, which I apologize for not responding to yet -- I say this with all due respect: there. look. there are your consequences, right there. everything he will never have. everything he can’t salvage. the pain of knowing he was the cause of all this. the pain of seeing the misery in his son’s eyes and knowing he can’t fix it, and knowing the hurt he’s caused to the ones he loved most. that is karma. that’s a fucking punishment. that’s an agony beyond any physical torture that anyone could ever possibly dream up. his punishment is that after all these years, he finally gets to feel all of the suffering he’s inflicted on them, and he’d do anything to take it back now, but he can’t. that’s it! and we all fucking hate it, and no one is happy! and it’s not fucking fair! haha! but that’s how it fucking is, though. and I swear to god, I keep saying it, but it’s some of the most brutally realistic shit I’ve ever seen in a fucking manga. fuck

anyways, I need to stop monologuing or else I’m never going to finish this fucking chapter, but rest assured my soul is being ripped the fuck apart. hmm

:’)

(ETA: note the conspicuous lack of a Kacchan reaction panel directly after the “I’m never gonna forgive you” panel. everyone else gets one. but not him. in fact, there are no more reaction panels of him until this speech ends, and then we get one zoomed far away where we can’t really see his face. but I’m sure that’s all just a coincidence and means absolutely nothing! oh baby. what a chapter.)

:’)))))))

by the way, quick shoutout to that person in the taxi giving them the Rock Lee Eyes and having just no idea what the fuck is going on sob. thanks to you for keeping me from breaking into full on sobs here. I’m holding it together for you, random deer-in-headlights citizen

[INHALES!!!]

that’s it. I don’t. fuck. anyways. I ranted about all my feelings already, so just. ... you all get it by this point, right?

oh Kacchan. penny for your thoughts. I’m almost done with that essay I keep rewriting. you have a lot to think about right now huh

and Shouto. oh Shouto. safe to say this is a side of his father he’s never seen nor imagined he would see before

YOU GUYS THIS IS SO FUCKING IMPORTANT THOUGH, SHIT

[GRABS THIS PANEL AND FRANTICALLY WAVES IT ALL OVER THE BNHA TAG] I’M!!! JUST!!! SAYING!!! THOUGH!!!!!!!

oh, we’re still going? SURE WHY THE FUCK NOT

WHATEVER HORIKOSHI!!! JUST KEEP COMING AT ME, THEN!! GO AHEAD AND FINISH ME OFF WITH A FUCKING SUPLEX OF FEELS!! YOU SON OF A BITCH

and now Ending’s freaking the fuck out and screaming for Endeavor to stop. lol it’s like the villain version of Can’t Ya See-Kun. Endeavor you jackhole, this isn’t on brand! CUT IT OUT

forget it, Jake. it’s Character Development

now the police are arriving and Deku’s like THANK GOODNESS because the awkwardness was about to go critical here. meanwhile, pay no attention to how Katsuki is staring at him despite having no real reason to be in this panel!

[sidles up next to Kacchan] so hey fella. did any of that hit a nerve, perchance. did it open any metaphorical eyes. dust off any momentous revelations that you’ve been valiantly trying to keep shelved in your mental basement. have the SEEDS of your PERSONAL GROWTH been CULTIVATED. are the JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES of NOT BEING A DICK knocking at your inner door!?

anyway so now we’re cutting to Endeavor talking with the authorities while Chauffeur Armstrong tells him he needs to watch his back

friendly reminder that a bearded hermit flew around town on a glass hoverchair singing a song about Endeavor bringing darkness to the world or some shit not too long ago. that’s still a thing! better watch it Enji

HOLY FUCKARONI

(ETA: shoutout to that “neither does the light” line because that’s some straight up Harry Potter quotable bullshit and I love it and Endeavor’s character development continues to slay me that is all.)

FUCKING!!! CHRIST!!! OH GOD!!! OH JESUS!!!!

HMGGHHHHAAAA SOMEONE HELP ME OH MY GOD I’M SHAKING, AHHHHHHH

(ETA: listen you guys, in all of my “!!!!” I didn’t stop to appreciate all of the other things about this scene. but Shouto has changed into his hero costume which is a great little detail that I love because he obviously didn’t feel like standing around freezing his butt off and being oggled by the crowd. and then we have Natsu coming over to thank them all for saving his life, which is great, and he’s such a sweetheart. and then Deku actually saying “Bakugou” for probably the first and only time in his life lmao. and then, finally, his fucking face when he realizes Kacchan has finally chosen a hero name. he’s fucking ecstatic. he can’t wait!! anyway so Deku is me.)

NO BUT I’M FULLY SERIOUS YOU GUYS, I’M TREMBLING LIKE A FUCKING LEAF, IT’S PROBABLY THE CAFFEINE IN ME BUT STILL, OH MY GOD, I’M PARALYZED, I CAN’T SCROLL DOWN, MY HEART IS POUNDING, MY LIFE IS ABOUT TO BE FOREVER CHANGED, OH FUCKSTICKS, OH SHIT

NOOOOOOOOOOO

FUCK MY FUCKING -- WHERE IS HAWKS!!?!? WHERE IS HE!?!? I SWEAR TO GOD IF THAT FUCKING MAGPIE DOESN’T SWOOP DOWN RIGHT THE FUCK NOW WITH JEANIST IN TOW ALL “HAHA IT WAS ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING” I’M GOING TO --

(ETA: but lmao at the fact that Shouto was all “okay, so you’re not going to tell him, but what about me, your Best Friend?” like he really heard “DROP DEAD ASSHOLE” and thought “well, that was Midoriya though, LET ME TAKE A STAB AT IT.” this is the most earnest child in the universe and this OT3 continues to bring me boundless joy.)

FUCK

LISTEN YOU KNOW I LOVE THAT TODODRAMA, BUT YOU CAN’T JUST DO THAT TO ME!! I’M A HUMAN BEING!! IF YOU CUT ME I BLEED!! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS. I’M GOING TO STRAIGHT UP CRY ALL OVER AGAIN YOU HEARTLESS PIECE OF SHIT

looool

“and his friends.” you hear that, Kacchan. now COME BACK OUT HERE AND TELL US YOUR HERO NAME RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN!!!

Endeavor you better save this chapter. I’m counting on you dog

oh. oh shit

hahaha. well fuck

first of all, look at Mr. “la dee dah I’m just going to build my family a new house on a whim because I’m so fucking rich” over here, like, damn, Endeavor. and second of all my heart is just a bludgeoned hemorrhaging mass of feels at this point and I’m not even going to try to salvage it. and third of all, this is exactly the type of resolution I wanted, pain and all, and I’m so goddamn satisfied with it it’s almost ridiculous. because the man fucking gets it. for everyone who continues to doubt Endeavor’s intentions, look no fucking further than this. this isn’t a narcissist trying to gaslight his victims and get back in his family’s good graces and make it all about him yet again. this is a man who understands that the best thing for his family right now is for them to be allowed to piece their lives back together without him. and so he’s enabling them to do that, and voluntarily stepping out of the picture while still providing for them. and damn but I respect that so much. fuck yeah, Enji. this was the right thing to do. it doesn’t make up for all the mistakes you’ve made, because nothing can do that. but you’re a better man now, and this right here is exactly the type of thing people mean when they say actions speak louder than words. so, respect

and that’s it! we’ve officially experienced all of the human emotions in this chapter! oh and also that’s it, as in the chapter is done. so yeah. well that sure was a whirlwind now wasn’t it

#bnha 252 #endeavor #bakugou katsuki #todoroki natsuo #todoroki shouto #midoriya izuku #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #makeste reads bnha #lol I couldn't think of any funny tags on account of ALL THE FEELS STILL HAVING THEIR WAY WITH ME #if anything comes to mind later I'll edit this #this chapter hit me like a sock full of loose change #just #I need a minute

340 notes · View notes

thestray · 4 years

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The 62 2020 Movies Releases I Watched During 2020 Ranked

Like the awkward title says, I’m going to rank (and talk about) all the 2020 movies I watched in 2020. This is not meant as any empirical list of what was best, it’s ranked by what I liked the least to the most, and my main criteria is what kind of impact it had on me and/or how much I enjoyed the experience of watching it.

Little bit about myself, I went to art school for animation, then after art school I went to a community college where I studied screenwriting. Never ended up pursuing either thing professionally, but I still write screenplays in my free time and read screenwriting books and listen to screenwriting podcasts. I'm the type of person that loves special features, seeks out behind the scenes information and director interviews, and watch youtube videos analyzing films. I love film, and thinking about film and talking about film and sharing the films I like, and maybe one day making films of my own, who knows.

Ranking and reviewing 62 movies was a more ambitious and challenging task than I anticipated, I rearranged this list swapping titles back and forth so many times, and then I’d remember a movie I forgot I watched and have to add that and figure out where it ranks. I started this on January 1st and am just now ready to post it on the 17th, I was still switching rankings right up until posting this. Even looking at it now there are some kinda want to switch but I’ve accepted that this is more or less arbitrary, lol.

The more I learn about film and what goes into creating a movie the more lenient I am about them. It’s not like I’m never critical of films, but I try to consider both the good and the bad of a movie instead of thinking in a binary of films are either amazing or trash. Some of these films aren’t great, but I typically still enjoyed them to some degree. Except Mulan, lol. I’m sorry Mulan. Speaking of Mulan...

62. Mulan

I'm going to try to say something nice about all these movies even if I didn't like them at all. So... I like the cast, and there are some nice visual moments. I actually was looking forward to this movie before reviews started coming out, it has 2 of the martial arts G.O.A.T.s in it, Donnie Yen and Jet Li, and also Jason Lee as the bad guy, so I figured it might at the very least have some decent action, but they were all underutilized. There’s not a single moment in the film where I felt anything at all. I think all these Disney live-action remakes are doing is making a case for how effective animation is for storytelling.

61. Color Out of Space

I heard a lot of good things about this movie, and it’s really cool visually, and I love Nicolas Cage always, but I really couldn’t get into it. I guess my main issue is that it starts off already too campy for any of to the Lovecraftian horror to really hit. It felt like a B-movie with great production value, and maybe that’s what they were going for? I really wanted to like this but I really just did not feel invested in anything going on, did not relate to anyone in the family, so I don’t think I got much out of it besides the cool visuals.

60. Bloodshot

I think the main flaw of this movie is that is that Vin Diesel was a producer on it, and Vin Diesel should be kept away from making creative decisions on movies. How Did This Get Made did a great podcast episode on this movie. It’s absolute nonsense, it has a couple of cool sequences and special effects in it, and Lamorne with a British accent is great, he’s the main redeeming value of this movie.

59. The Midnight Sky

It seems like this movie wants to be Interstellar, it’s structured in a very similar way, but it just didn’t quite have that same emotional punch. It looks very good, it’s well-acted, it has it’s moments.

58. The New Mutants

It's not as much of a trainwreck as people make it out to be in my opinion, I think the cast is good and it has some good character interactions, but it mostly suffers from the fact that it's way too predictable, from the beginning you're way ahead of the characters, and it doesn't help that they're in this confined setting so there's not a lot for them to actually do. But I appreciate the attempt at using mutants to do a horror breakfast club thing, good concept.

57. Vampires vs The Bronx

Vampires as a gentrifiers taking over the hood, great idea. Mero is in it, the brand is brolic. It was a fun set up, but it was neither funny enough or scary enough in my opinion. The vampires die so easily it's like okay whatever. It's like a really long Goosebumps episode.

56. Freaky

I don't think the execution lived up to the great concept, but Vince Vaughan was really great in those sincere moments playing a teenage girl. Horror fans will appreciate the gory kills. I'm not going to spoil anything but I do think there are some narrative issues that keep this from being stronger than it could've been. If you made the killer a creepy janitor at the school or even one of the teachers, then I think that would've created more interesting situations.

55. Eurovision

I love Will Ferrell, I even love some of his flops like Casa De Mi Padre and Kicking and Screaming, and even the House I think had a lot of really funny moments. This was definitely one of the least funny movies he's done to me. I think the director David Dobkin couldn't commit to being silly the way Adam McKay can cause there's a lot of this movie that just has no jokes, and the movie is over 2 hours long which isn't normal for comedies so you spend a lot of time watching unfunny scenes and extended musical numbers.

54. The Wrong Missy

I'm not a big fan of most Happy Madison movies, the jokes are very hit or miss for me. I'm a big fan of Lauren Lapkus though so I watched it to support her, and she plays an absolute psycho in this. It's so over the top it's like this character is not a human being, but I have to admit there are a few moments where she made me laugh pretty loud. I'd never watch this movie again, but maybe I'd look up certain parts on youtube.

53. The Platform

High concept dystopian sci-fi horror. Reminds me of the Cube. It's one of those things that makes you think about what you'd do in the same situation. It's a very on the nose allegory, so by the end of it my only takeaway was "Yeah, it really be like that."

52. Archenemy

Another high concept movie. Joe Mangienello is good in it, but Glenn Howerton and Paul Scheer are my favorite parts of the movie, it's fun to see comedy actors play bad guys. My main problem with the movie was that I did not find the teen character to be interesting or relatable at all, in fact he can be kind of obnoxious. In his introductory scene he's REALLY bothering this random guy minding his own business, not respecting his boundaries at all. Then the rest of the movie is about him exploiting a homeless man and being really pushy for likes on some app, and he doesn't really have a character arc. Also wasn't a big fan of the animated sequences but I forgive that knowing this was a low budget movie and those sequences were done by a team of just 3 people.

51. Power

Jamie Foxx is great. I think he makes almost anything he's in watchable to some degree. The idea of this movie is fun but I think the action sequences are kinda underwhelming, but Jamie makes it worth watching in my opinion.

50. Birds of Prey

This movie was all style and absolutely no substance. When your main character doesn't have a solid purpose or goal you're really just watching shit happen, and that can be okay if the shit that's happening is occassionally fun or funny, but it doesn't really make for a memorable story in my opinion.

49. Wonder Woman 84

The most panned movie of 2020 maybe? It's got flaws for sure and some narrative choices I just can't understand why they made. It has some fun performances though and I ultimately appreciated that our superhero wins not by using her fists but by appealing to goodness. I feel like you rarely see that kind of idealism any more. It may not be realistic but I think that's one of the things fantasy is good for, showing us a way things could be better to strive for. But yeah, the Steve Trevor things was fucking weird, why'd they do that? And neither Steve or Diana seem concerned with about this random guy's fate. I'd probably rate this film higher if they had Steve simply appear out of thin air, I mean why not? It's magic. But I loved Kristen Wig and Pedro Pascal in this. Pedro is performing with his whole body, did he film this after season 1 of the Mandolorian? Maybe being under that helmet for a season made him want to be really expressive. The films overall kinda campy but I didn't necessarily mind that.

48. Peninsula

Sequel to the already classic Train to Busan, this film decides the up the scale, which is what sequels often do, but I think it was a mistake in this instance. This is more of an over the top action movie than a character-driven horror film like the first. There's a climactic Mad Max-esque car chase scene that is almost entirely CGI. I don't think it was a bad movie, it's an okay popcorn flick, but it definitely doesn't live up to the original.

47. The Old Guard

In terms of action I don't think it did anything interesting, but I like how they explored how horrific and heartbreaking it would be to be immortal. Coming to terms with your own mortality is a tough thing to do, but we often don't consider the idea that death is a blessing we take for granted.

46. Sputnik

A Russian sci-fi thriller about a young doctor being tasked with trying to figure out how to separate an alien parasite from a Cosmonaut that's returned from earth. Good performances, creepy vibe, and lots of interesting questions about ethics. It has a sort of epilogue ending with a reveal I didn't quite understand the significance to the story, but didn't take away from either. Solid.

45. The Invisible Man

Fun sci-fi thriller about toxic abusive relationships and gaslighting. Elizabeth Moss is great in it and my favorite sequences are before her character actually catches on and you have moments where the camera is just focusing on a random place, very creepy and effective.

44. Sonic the Hedgehog

Personally I would've preferred a fully animated film taking place in Sonic's world. I don't know why they always feel like they need to make these movies about human characters and then spend a lot of time having to hide your CG character and having people do comical reactions to them. It feels very played out to me. BUT Jim Carrey is great in this, of course. Jim Carrey is the reason to watch this movie. He makes the movie. And it goes without saying thank God they changed that character design.

43. 2067

What I liked about this dystopian future is that the cause was basically everything. War, famine, ruining the environment, pandemics, just all our collective fuckery has resulted in a world where the human race is on the verge of extinction, plants are extinct, and oxygen is synthetic. Enter time travel, a young man is tasked with traveling into the future to bring back the solution to saving the human race. Very timely obviously. I liked it.

42. Monsters of Man

Some asshole tech bros let some killer robots loose on a remote southeast asian village as a trial run. It has lots of flaws but I give it some leeway because this is the first film of a guy who wrote, directed and was the cinematographer by himself, he didn't have a huge budget or much experience, so it's hard to expect perfection. My biggest criticism is that the film centers a white guy living in this village and some westerner medics, not the actual Asian people of the village. Could've been so much more of interesting commentary about racism and eurocentrism dropping these robots in a village of brown people no one will miss just for practice. That aside though I think it was a solid enough thriller and the robots looked pretty good.

41. Family Romance LLC

An interesting movie about a Japanese entrepreneur who has a business where he'll play whatever role in your life you need. Father, husband, coworker, etc there's a scene where someone even pays him to be scolded in his place by his boss. The main thrust of the film though is him playing the role of a girl's absentee father, pretends to reconnect with her and take her out on the town for activities. It's shot very documentary style, and there are a mixture of first time actors and non-actors. Sometimes there are long awkward conversations that feel just as awkward as real life. I really liked the premise, and the only thing that keeps it from being higher on my list is it doesn't have a strong enough conflict nor does it really have a satisfying conclusion.

40. Over the Moon

Directorial debut of animation legend Glen Keane, I really liked this visually. It was sufficiently enjoyable, but it doesn't have that emotional gut punch that Pixar or Disney films tend to have. But I guess cartoons don't NEED to make you bawl your eyes out to be good. I think there were some missed opportunities narratively, like I guess this is spoilery so just scroll ahead if you don't want to know, but she gains a step brother that she doesn't like and doesn't want to spend time with, once the adventure starts on the Moon they get separated very early on, and don't ge reunited until towards the end, but she somehow now cares about him and considers him her brother. I didn't feel like that was really earned, they should've been together throughout the adventure getting to know each other. But I otherwise liked the story aside from that nitpick. Loved the colors of this movie, almost everything in the moon world is luminescent which provides some nice visuals. Hope to see Glen direct more in the future.

39. The Croods 2

Nothing revolutionary but it has some solid physical comedy and great voice acting. All of Nicolas Cage's overacting is perfect for animation, and I liked Peter Dinklage as Mr. Betterman as well. There's a lot going on thematically but it all works pretty cohesively.

38. #ALIVE

Another Korean zombie thriller. I really liked this because I felt like as far as zombie outbreaks go this is the most realistic scenario. Once you realize what's going on you will just stay in your house rather than risk going outside and fighting zombies. But that poses the problem of a limited supply of food and water. The main thrust of the movie is not how this character survives though it's about him trying to retain his will to live. It's the perfect pandemic isolation allegory.

37. Love and Monsters

It looked kinda corny but I actually enjoyed this more than I thought I would. I like Dylan O'Brien, I love Tom Holland as Peter Parker but I've always felt like Dylan O'Brien would've been a great choice too, he has a good everyman relatable quality. There's also a dog in the movie that I loved. Put a dog in peril in a movie and I will be on the edge of my seat guaranteed. It's a fun movie with some interesting creatures in it and a solid character arc for our main protagonist.

36. Extraction

I love the trend of stunt coordinators directing films. That's the main reason why the John Wick series is so good, and the reason why this also has some very solid action. Nothing crazy here in terms of story or themes, everything is an excuse for Chris Hemsworth to fuck people up and it delivers on that. There's one scene where he slaps around some kids attacking him that I found hilarious as well. Fully welcoming an Extraction 2.

35. Save Yourselves

A couple decides to take a break from social media and get away to a cabin outside the city. While they're disconnected from the world an alien invasion occurs, furry little basketball sized poofs. This movie was pretty funny. I'm a little ambivalent about the ending but I enjoyed these hipsters arguing about what to do about aliens.

34. Bill and Ted Face the Music

A most bodacious movie. Fun gags and a robot that steals the show. It's not as good as the first 2 but I don't think that's any surprise. I think it borrows a little bit too much from the previous films, like the collecting legendary musicians thing, could've done without that. It was a fun movie though, and the daughters really worked.

33. An American Pickle

Seth Rogen playing an orthodox Jew who's been preserved in pickle juice for 100 years and his modern day app developer grandson. I think this may be Seth Rogen's best acting role, as silly as this movie is he's kind of endearing as this character from 100 years aro, and as the grandson he's a lot more understated than he usually is in movies.

32. Tenet

Tenet! Is it controversial that this is not higher up on the list? I really like Nolan's films, actually been a fan since watching his first film Following in a film class. Nolan likes playing with time in his movies so it was inevitable that he'd do something that addresses it very directly eventually. I love the time travel genre and I think this is one of the most ambitious and unique approaches to it to ever done. I actually braved theaters to see this because I did not want to miss the opportunity to see it on the big screen. I did it as safely as possible and booked a reserved seating theater where I knew I wouldn't be sitting by anyone, had a mask, gloves, antibacterial gell on deck, sanitized my seat with wipes, etc, there only 2 other people in the theater all of us sitting way for from each other. Weirdest moviegoing experience I've ever had but glad I saw it on the big screen because the visual spectacle of this is excellent. The reason it's not higher on the list is because as conceptually cool as it is as I did not feel invested. Just on a story level having a character we know very little about pursuing a goal he knows very little about for no clearly defined reason makes it feel like... we're just watching events unfold as opposed to watching a character-driven story. There's a moment at the end that you can tell was meant to be an emotional moment, but I felt nothing. They try to introduce some emotional stakes with the female character, but idk, since it wasn't tied to the inciting incident it felt more like a b-plot than fundamental to the story. So it was a really fun cool looking puzzle, more like watching a cool Rube Goldberg machine, but not something I really thought much about after it was over.

31. Guns Akimbo

I really have been enjoying Daniel Radcliffe's post-Harry Potter career, he'll do some solid dramas he seems to prefer doing fun weird shit like Swiss Army Man, Horns, his role on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, etc. This is in that vein of fun weird shit, a guy who gets guns bolted to his hands and is running around the city in a robe trying to survive essentially a real life video game. A lot of the movies lower on this list had fun concepts but were lacking in execution, but this is one that is just as fun as the idea sounds, even more fun actually, it's funny, the action is good, and there are some great visuals. I found it all around enjoyable.

30. Let Them All Talk

Glen Close as a celebrated author who invites her nephew and 2 estranged best friends on a cruise with her. It's a very light-hearted movie with some underlying conflicts that the characters are afraid to address head on. Glen Close is great, obviously, she plays this pretentious self-important woman with affectations but is still likable and warm. It's a fairly pleasant almost slice-of-life until the 3rd act where everything comes together. To me it was a movie about communication, saying what you mean, saying what you feel, and those unspoken assumptions of what those around you are thinking or feeling about you. I know I can relate to the idea of wanting an apology from someone who might not even be cognizant of the fact that you feel slighted by them, or vice versa finding out someone's had a long standing problem with you when you thought you were cool. One sided grudges do no one any good.

29. True History of the Kelly Gang

I've heard of Ned Kelly, but I've never seen the Heath Ledge or Mick Jagger movies about him and I don't know much about him other than he's a famous Australian outlaw and something of a folk hero to some. The performances and cinematography if this are great. George MacKay from 1917 is the lead and he's amazing, sometimes vulnerable and soft, other times a madman. It spends a lot of time in his childhood and the child actor who plays Ned is great as well. It's gritty and sometimes surreal in it's imagery. From what I can gather previous films seemed to focus more on what happened with him and his gang, while this movie seems to focuses more on everything in his life that led up to him becoming who he is and forming that gang. Like a 3rd of the movie is spent in his childhood, and once the gang is actually formed things move at a pretty brisk pace, seemingly skimming over the exploits of the gang to the conclusion. The film feels very raw and gritty and very fuck the police which I always appreciate.

28. Lucky Grandma

A stubborn grandma in New York's chinatown gets her fortunte read and is told that she's going to be very lucky and come into a fortune, she then comes into possession of a bunch of money that belongs to a gang and she decides to try to keep it feeling it's owed to her by the universe. A funny crime drama with the unlikeliest of protagonists.

27. Da 5 Bloods

Spike Lee is an icon but he can honestly be a little hit or miss for me. I don't always enjoy every choice he makes, for instance he uses real footage of war attrocities in this, and it's really upsetting to see REAL people, including children, be killed, when you're not expecting that. I understand it's meant to be upsetting, but it does make the movie something I'll probably never rewatch. Spike Lee's films to me can also feel at times heightened to the point that it feels a little cheesy (Miracle At St Anna), and there moments in this that kinda took me out of it to be honest, but overall I enjoyed it. The performances were great, Delroy Lindo in my opinion is one of the most underrated actors of all time, he's just always good no matter what he's in, everyone else in it is good too, but of course I have to mention Chadwick Boseman who was great. At the end of the day it gave me a lot to think about in terms or race, war, America, forgiveness, trauma and so many other things.

26. The Devil All The Time

There's a LOT going on in this movie, maybe a little too much, it's like 2 or 3 movies smashed into one, but... I really liked it, and that's probably because Tom Holland is so good in it. Really liked Robert Pattinson in it too. I can’t really think of more to say about it say I won’t. Next movie.

25. Bad Education

A true crime movie about school district officiala who stole from the budget of a highschool. Hugh Jackman is great in this. I loved Jackman as Wolverine, but now that he's done with that I'm excited to see him other stuff cause he's always interesting to watch; The Fountain, Prisoners, The Prestige, he's always solid. I enjoyed this, it was done with nuance, it doesn't let them off the hook for what they did but it doesn't paint them as absolute monsters either. I really have to ask myself, if I could get away with stealing money that no one would miss... I don't know, I think I'd not do it out of fear not altruism, lol.

24. My Octopus Teacher

This is a documentary on Netflix about a diver who immerses himself in the world of underwater life and documents the life of an octopus. It's really beautiful, both in terms of visuals and in content. There's not a lot to talk about because it's fairly straightforward, but it was really fascinating to learn about this octopus and see the bond they mutually formed, and again I can't talk about how great this movie looks, it's like you're in a different world. This is something I could put in and mute while I draw just for the ambiance.

23. Kajillionaire

A quirky dramedy about a family of really obtuse poor scam artists. As absurd as their behaviour is I can totally imagine a trio of weirdos like this living in Los Angeles ( I can say that cause it's my hometown and where I lived most of my life. It's Evan Rachel Wood's best role, I never would've imagined her doing something like this but she's great as "Old Dolio". It's funny, at time sad but not in a hammy melodramatic way, and I feel it had the perfect ending.

22. The Gentleman

Guy Ritchie doing what he does best. It's fun, stylish, witty, has layers and twists and reveals. Everybody's good in it. It doesn't have anything poignant to say, but it's fun to watch the entire time

21. Run

A thriller about a wheelchair bound teen who suspects her mother is drugging her and tries to get to the bottom of it. You can tell this director is a Hitchcock fan because it definitely has that Rear Window vibe but takes it a step further, and in many ways it's even shot and paced like Hitchcock. The lead actress is actually wheelchair bound herself so it really adds to the realism of all the things she does in this film. Oh, and Sarah Paulson is the mom, when is Sarah Paulson ever not good?

20. Horse Girl

Alison Brie is an awkward neurotic woman getting over recent grief and a history of mental illness in her family, she starts to have weird dreams and then notices people from her dreams in real life, starts blacking out and having gaps in time, and starts to believe it's due to alien abduction conspiracy. Is she losing her mind or is it really happening? Alison Brie is really really good in this, and she co-wrote it too, it has a lot of moments where you really feel sorry for her or scared for her and you start to question what's real yourself.

19. Swallow

I found this movie really fascinating, it's like what if you turned one of those My Strange Addiction episodes on TLC into a movie. It's about this woman who ostensibly, at least from appearances, has the perfect life (at least by societal standards), she came from nothing and is now housewife to a rich successful man, and behaves almost like a Stepford wife. Then develops a compulsion to swallow inedible things, like marbles and batteries and thumbtacks, which is a real condition called pica. Its the kind of movie that gives you a lot to think about but no easy answers.

18. Time to Hunt

A Korean heist thriller set in the near future. A bunch of childhood friends rob the wrong person and have an Anton Chigurh-esque killer sent after them to retrieve the money and kill them. It's a really tense cat and mouse thriller with good performances. The ending seemed to turn a lot of people off based on a lot of youtube comments I read, but I didn't mind it. My only real gripe is that they set this in the near future but aside from some imagery in the beginning it doesn't seem to come into play that much, this all could've taken place in modern day or even the past with no alteration of the story. I think the future setting was more just for some social commentary that maybe went over my head a little bit because I'm not from Korea, but I think if they were going to do near future they could've added some futuristic weapons or something. But that's just nitpicking, while the future setting didn't add to the story much it didn't take away from it either.

17. Tigertail

As I get older one of my worse fears is making decisions that I will regret for the rest of my life, so this movie really hit home as a cautionary tale. It's a kind of quietly devastating movie. There's no huge tragic horrific even, just a huge miscalculation. Decades of your life of work and unhappiness go by and all you can do is wonder what things could've been. I also especially appreciated the cinematography and music of this film.

16. Mother

It's been a while since I hated a character this much, but this titular mother really pissed me off. She's a neglectful mother who only sees her son as a tool, but he sticks by her cause he loves her. It's definitely not a fun movie to watch, but it made me feel a lot and meditate on the idea of love and whether it in itself has innate value.

15. Call

I went into this movie cold, having no idea what it was really about other than that it was a thriller that revolved around a woman getting mysterious calls. I'm glad I had seen no trailers and did not know the gist of the plot becuase it went places I really was not expecting. One of the most fun thrillers I've seen in a while. So, I'm not going to talk about the movie but what I will say is that Jeon Jong-seo, who played the woman in Burning is in this, she was great in Burning and she's great in this. After watching it I googled her to see what else she's been in that I can watch and this is only her 2nd film. Apparently Burning was her first audition EVER and she BOOKED IT! Like, one a million success story right? But she deserves it cause she's great and I look forward to seeing what else she does.

14. Possessor

This was directed by Brandon Cronenberg, the son of David Cronenberg, big shoes to fill, and I think he's going to fill them fine cause this is already a cult classic in my opinion. The visuals in this, which look like they were mainly created with practical and in camera effects. There is some very graphic very realistic violence in this. The movie is about an assassin who works for an organization and uses some type of scientific process to "possess" people to carry out hits. When she's in a body for too long who's in control starts to blur. It's really fucking trippy, like a fucked up Black Mirror episode.

13. Borat 2

Been a fan of Sacha since the old Da Ali G Show days when Borat was just a side character. I'm amazed with out Sacha can stay in character the way he does, especially when later on in the movie he shelters in place with some Qanon conservatives with who knows how long staying in character. Maybe they'll reveal they were paid actors who knows, but whatever I fucking laughed a lot at this movie. There's a black woman in this movie that I hope to god was not an actress cause I loved her and her reactions so much. It was a breath of fresh air to watch something that's just goofy in 2020 because it wasn't a good year for comedy. As much as I love film sometimes I got a little fatigue from watching so many things with very heavy themes, this also had heavy themes it was satirizing, but also chimp pornstar jokes, so.. a fun time.

12. A Sun

A drama about a family's eldest son going to juvenile detention for his involvement in a violent crime. We see how his father, his mother, his brother and his pregnant girlfriend all deal with this. I found it very engaging. My only gripe is that there are some moments of levity where they use this really generic comedy music score it and it really takes you out of the film. No music at all is better than bad generic music. Other than that I really loved it and the ending is great. I really thought this would end up in my top 10 but the following films just had more personal relevance or were more fun to watch.

11. Ma Rainey's Black Bottom

R.I.P. Chadwick Boseman, this movie is like an acting showcase for him, he has so many great monologues here, the ending really took the wind out of me. It's also packed with really still relevant commentary on race.

10. Onward

You already expect a Pixar movie to make you cry, but this came from angle I was NOT expecting and I bawled hard at this. This movie was so applicable to my life experience it's like they specifically engineered it to make me personally cry. Honestly there are better movies lower on this list, but movies are just like any other art, when a song touches you on a personal level it doesn't need to have complex instrumentation cause it's how it made you feel that matters.

09. Palm Springs

A comedy released during a pandemic about trying to find stimulation and meaning when every day is the same thing? Ya don't say! Another take on Groundhog Day, which at this point I feel like it's its on genre with the amount of times the concept has been done, but I'm not complaining, I typically enjoy a good time loop movie (or show; Russian Doll). I don't know what else to say besides that it's really funny and Andy Samberg and Cristin Milioti are both charming and great in it.

08. Scare Me

This movie was funny, creepy, the performances were great, and it's just really unique and clever. Written, directed, produced, and starring Josh Ruben, who I know primarily does really idiosyncratic "impressions" on instagram. It's 2 people alone in a cabin telling each other scary stories, they don't cut away to the stories you just watch them act it out. 4 people in the cast, one location, and it still manages to be a fun ride of a movie and manages to touch on some good themes in the overall story. I really hope to see Josh Ruben direct more films because I think he's really creative.

07. Ride Your Wave

A romantic comedy about a woman trying to find joy and purpose in her life. I often go into movies very cold, so I didn't know much about what this movie was about, just knew that it was from an animation studio and director that I really respected. It's very beautiful, very grounded, until it's not. Kind of movie that breaks your heart so it can uplift you later.

06. Uncle Frank

I really did not expect a lot from movie, not that I thought it would be bad, I just thought it be your middle of the road movie. It's about a teenage girl who really looks up to her uncle who she learns is a closeted gay man, in an era where that was potentially dangerous to be. They go on a road trip home when his father dies and learn about each other and themselves, it sounds kinda cookie cutter, but it really surprised me. Paul Bettany is so very good in this, and it made me cry. Easy way to get on high on this list is to make me cry lol.

05. Children of the Sea

This film had to be in my top 5 because I'm an animation nerd and this is one of the most beautiful animated films ever. Ever. It's right up there with Akira and the Ghibli catalogue, and the works of Satoshi Kon, and all the Disney movies and everything else. It focuses on details and nuances in a really gorgeous way. The story is VERY ambiguous and gets very metaphysical towards the end, the climax is like watching an acid trip. It's about a girl who meet 2 young boys who have adapted to living underwater, and they form a bond, and then... uh... there's no way I can concisely explain it. The creator has said it's not supposed to be understood logical, instead it's supposed to be felt. There's a lot of symbolism and metaphor, it's very philosophical and explores themes of connection and the cycle of life. It's produced by Studio 4°C, which is my favorite animation studio because they really push the envelope, they're responsible for Mind Game, Tekkonkinkreet, and the recent Mutafukaz, and other, if you've never heard of any of those definitely look them up, they're unlike any anime you've ever watched before. Anyway, beautiful movie and the cryptic plot allows for you to rewatch it multiple times and take different things away from it. I can't wait to own it on blu-ray.

04. 37 Seconds

I saw this very early in the year and love it. It's about a young woman with cerebal palsy who is also an aspiring hentai artist trying to get laid. Her mother who takes care of her like a child smothers her, so it's not only about trying to get laid but trying to have some independence. Firstly the performance of this woman who actually does have cerebral palsy and is a first time actor is so natural and endearing, secondly there are things they portray with an uncomfortable amount of realism and awkwardness that it really draws you in to the nitty gritty of her reality and what it can be like for someone who is wheelchair bound to try to have sexual experiences. I like that there were 2 films this year about characters in wheelchairs that used unknown actresses that face the same things their characters do, it adds to the authenticity of either film. Films like this are why I think diversity in film is not just about doing something for the demographic you're depicting but also giving everyone else not of that demographic new unique stories and perspectives.

03. Soul

I guess spoilers if you haven't seen this because it's easier to talk about why I liked it if I talk specifically about the plot. I wasn't expecting much from this when the initial trailer dropped, it made it seem like it was going to largely take place in this imaginary soul place with these blue things, and for most of the first act it seemed like that's what it was going to be, but when they come back to earth and the story really starts I really started enjoying it. This movie tricks you into thinking the film is about finding or fulfilling your purpose, only to throw a curveball that living life in and of itself is the "purpose", and this movie resonated so much with thoughts that were already on my mind. I relate so much to Joe as a creative person myself with so many unfulfilled dreams, at 36yrs old, having to put many of my goals on the backburner just to survive, and generally having that feeling that I'm still waiting to live life because I'm not fulfilling my "purpose". Sure reaching for goals is great, but I think our culture breeds this idea that happiness is a destination, an accomplishment, a certain amount of recognition, a monetization of your passion. I really loved how the film depicted that there's a dark side to focusing on your passions and how it can become a source of stress and unhappiness. This movie is just about savoring life itself, which people have been expressing through platitudes since forever but this film illustrated it in a way that words fail at, and that's what makes film such a great form of art.

02. Sound of Metal

This movie had one of the best trailers of 2020, I couldn't wait to watch this movie. FIrst of all I love RIz Ahmed and think he's an underrated and underutilized actor, he's fucking amazing in this, he needs an Oscar nom FOR SURE. His frustration is so palpable and he feels so natural in this movie. It follows a metal punk drummer who loses his hearing and goes to stay in a deaf community to acclimate. One thing I think is absolutely brilliant about this movie is the sound design. I'm not deaf so I can't speak from any type of experience, but they try to replicate what going deaf sounds like, what the audiologist tests sound like, what hearing aids and cochlear implants sound like, it's very immersive. I almost think of it like a companion piece to Soul, cause I had almost the same take away, it's just coming from it at a different angle.

01. I'm Thinking Of Ending Things

Okay, so I’m going to have a lot to say about this movie.

Maybe a very controversial pick for my number one because so many people absolutely hated this movie, lol. I am biased given that I'm a huge fan of Charlie Kaufman, he's my favorite screenwriter, and his films have only gotten weirder and weirder, so I know to expect the unexpected when going into one of his films. I can understand how this would be an offputting experience if you're expecting the conventions of normal narrative structure. It was surprising and perplexing to me how this film unfolded but I've watched non-narrative and experimental films before so I was intrigued rather than frustrated. You think it's about a woman who is thinking of breaking up with her boyfriend as they head to meet his parents. Once we get to his childhood home things start getting surreal, and that surrealism just escalates to the point where you realize this film is not at all attempting to depict reality and doesn't even have any continuity. This is the most a movie has ever felt like one of my dreams. I don't know how other people dream but this was so much like every weird nightmare I've ever had where I feel trapped in a situation.

There's a scene where the family is talking about art, the dad says he hates abstract art because it takes no skill, he prefers paintings that look like photographs because that takes real skill, the son asks why make a painting look like a photograph when you can just take a photograph, the woman states she paints pictures of landscapes and tries to imbue them with a sense of interiority, capturing the way she feels, the dad asks how can a landscape be sad if you don't have a person in it looking sad. I felt like this was a bit of meta commentary on the film itself. After I watched this movies I had my own theories, I watched some analysis videos on youtube that confirmed a lot of my ideas and gave me insight on other parts of the film, I watched the film again and formulated more ideas, it's so dense with things to project meaning onto and interpret it. I went on instagram and ended up having lengthy discussions about what the film meant both with people who loved it and hated it. Everybody I spoke with had slightly different interpretations and takeaways. One woman who initially did not like it came away with an appreciation for it after we had a lengthy discussion about it's meaning.

All of this is why it's my favorite film of the year, not only did I relate to it on a personal level because I'm in a stage of my life where I'm approaching middle ages and afraid I'm going to end up like the guy in this film, but I can't remember the last time a film led to such meaningful conversation about life, death, love, mental health, loneliness, trauma, etc. So like the scene where they're talking about art, I think this movie is neither intended to be abstract or realistic, it's supposed to be imbued with a sense of interiority. I know I sound way pretentious right now, but I just really appreciated Charlie Kaufman for making something unabashedly expressionist and serving it up to mainstream audiences. I really feel like I grow as a person and an artist every time I watch one of his films.

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So there ya go. That’s it. That concludes this arbitrary exercise in ranking the movies i saw last year, thank you for wasting your time on this, lol. I think it was a very good year for movies.

If there was a movie you were expecting to see on the list and it’s missing I just didn’t get to it in 2020, I may do an unranked follow up list of 2020 movies I missed in 2020, maybe.

That’s it.

End of post.

Bye.

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onemustalwaysbecarefulofbooks · 6 years

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Kingdom of Ash Review/Discussion

It only took me a solid month, but it’s here. II was so all over the place with everything that anything earlier than that would have been completely incoherent. I finally managed to get all of my thoughts down in writing. Spoilers for the whole entire book ahead, you have been warned!

I guess I should start this review off by stating just how much this series means to me. I debated even putting anything like this in here because I feel like it’s almost obligatory and super cliche and basic. Regardless, it really is true. Without boring you all and going into too much detail, I found this series at a time when I was really struggling to find courage over a big hurdle I was trying to take in my life. At the time, only the first three were out. I fell in love with Throne of Glass and Crown of Midnight sent me to the depths of emotional roller coaster hell and ripped my heart out before stomping it into a million pieces. Heir of Fire was a turning point for me, a reading experience I will never forget because of how special it was. I remember struggling to get through that book like I haven’t with any other. Everything was misery and darkness, and I actually debated looking up spoilers to see if it was worth continuing (which I never NEVER do). The pay off for actually finishing it though, was rewarding like no other had been. Heir of Fire seems to be really special for the entire fandom, so I’m sure I really don’t need to explain. The journey Aelin goes through, the person she comes out as at the end, her courage and light and optimism were awe-inspiring to say the least, and spoke to me at time when I needed it. That book made me take a look at the way I reacted to things in my own life and make the deliberate choice to face them in a new way. It made the whole world seem better and brighter and I still think of it to this day and remember that feeling of reading it for the first time.

Fast forward to the release of this book. In a strange twist of fate, I find myself once again struggling with very similar feelings over something different. The odds this time seemed insurmountable, like I wouldn't be able to overcome it, no matter what. And in the midst of all of this, this series comes back into my life. I do not think it was coincidence that this last book was released when it was. When I was faced with these two giant obstacles in my life, these books were brought into it to help me overcome them. Other than reading the others in the series when they were released, I had not truly delved back into this world since my initial read of the series. I made the decision to start with The Assassin’s Blade and re-read the entire series (including Tower of Dawn, because I still hadn’t read it yet) leading up to Kingdom of Ash’s release. I do not think it was coincidence that that this series was brought back into my life when I was going through something so similar. I’m still dealing with things on a day-to-day basis but the message and the characters from this story have helped me tremendously. They mean so much to me and I will always be grateful that they were brought into my life. They will always be books that have an extremely special place in my heart.

Now, some of you reading this might be slightly confused, because just because all of this up there ^^^ is true, that does not mean I have not had my issues and complaints about this series up to this point! It feels so funny to wax poetic about these books and then talk about the things I didn’t like about them. They are not perfect and not without flaws, but that still doesn’t erase what they meant to me and how they helped me.

Some of the issues I had with the series were ones that others probably had and some were not. I never cared about the “all white/all cis” things. I am ALL for diversity in books, but I am also all for letting authors write what they want to write. If someone has a story in their mind, they should be able to tell it the way they envision it. Encouraging someone to think beyond what their normal horizon was and think critically about things like this is PERFECTLY fine. But a lot of what I saw is, “Sarah’s a horrible author because all her characters are white”. “Sarah’s a horrible author because all her characters are straight”. I don’t agree with that and don’t think it’s fair. I’m sure a lot of people probably have counterarguments to that but I just think we should let authors write what they want to write. There are plenty of authors out there that write about things I don’t like--so I simply choose not to read them. I don’t rage and demand that this author change their ways to meet my needs. I just find someone who does! Basically, trying to force authors into a mold takes away the genuineness of their work, in my opinion, no matter what you’re trying to force them in TO.

The issues I had stemmed from the fact that Sarah couldn’t seem to make up her mind on what story she wanted to tell. Did she want to tell the story of an assassin that fell in love with a prince that she inspired to stand up to his father? An assassin who fell in love with a closed off and reserved captain of the guard who finally took a stance for her? A fae prince? Every time I thought I had the direction the story was going figured out, she’d flip everything on it’s head and it was frustrating to me. I didn’t enjoy it in the way most people like plot twists and stories that aren’t predictable and keep them guessing. I also didn’t like the way certain characters could be held on a pedestal in one book and basically Aelin (and Feyre, but that’s a rant for another time)’s favorite person and then in the next one, once we had moved on to something else, all these personality flaws that had never been an issue in the past were put front and center, making them pale in comparison to whoever she was on to now. I’m sure you’ve heard this argument before too--that Sarah tries to force us into liking the new love interest. There’s no way I can say I don’t think this happens with her books. I’ve got too much evidence built up against it. I’ve made my peace with it now, however, and given the way everything turned out in this book, I can confidently say that everything was for the best. I’ll never really like this about SJM’s work, but it’s not anything Earth shattering anymore. . .at least I know to expect it! ;)

God, to even try and think about reviewing this whole book is overwhelming and exhausting. It is so MASSIVE that I feel like I can’t possibly remember every single thing that happened. When I got it for the first time and saw it’s size, I thought the publishing companies must have heard our cries about how much we hate the Bible-thin pages, and finally printed on regular ones. But then, upon closer examination, I realized it actually DID have those Bible pages, but STILL was the size it was.

I very foolishly and naively thought I could finish this thing in a few days, by the weekend after the day it came out. LOL @ ME. This book was so long it took me about a week and a half to get through it, even reading at full steam for most of the days. In some ways I liked this and in some I didn’t. I liked that I got to spend more time with it and not devour the entire thing and be done with it in just a few days. On the other hand, though. . .SO much happened that as time went on, I started to almost feel disconnected with the things I had read the first couple days. I’m so used to plowing through a book in a day or two that it was weird to think of things I had read a week ago--it felt like an entire lifetime ago. However, in hindsight, maybe that was a good thing. The emotions that were packed into this book. . .I’m speechless, man. This was, by far, one of the most emotional books I have ever read in my entire life. The emotions of all the character LEAPT off the page, and made you feel them right along with them. Sarah upped her game in this one. She is such a brilliant writer that she was able to make you feel all the pain, fear, sadness, hope, and joy that all of these people were feeling. You really really felt the scope of what we were going through--the struggle felt extremely real and everything was so emotionally poignant it left me reeling. It was an INTENSE experience.

I guess the only way I can even begin to tackle this is to take it character by character--or I guess I should really say storyline by storyline (which also kind of translates into couple by couple, amirite?!)

I’m gonna kick this off with Aedion and Lysandra, and their whole defending Terrasen storyline. First of all, HOLY $%*&. Those Terrasen battle scenes were STRESSFUL AF. I have no idea how they all hung on as long as they did. Every single chapter of theirs, I would be like “This is it. This has to be it. They have sunk as low as they can go, have exhausted every single resource, they are only holding on by the barest little scrap of luck. THEY CAN NOT DO THIS ANY LONGER”. And every flipping time, they did. Even with all those allies from Wendlyn, Ansel, the Silent Assassins, and Rolfe and his pirates. . .things just kept going from bad to worse. It was not fun to read about. Another thing that made it not fun to read about was because I was basically mad as hell at Aedion the whole time.

When we left them in Empire of Storms, he had said some pretty awful things to Lysandra. Now. . .I’m not saying that where his feelings were coming from were wrong. I get it, I do. His entire life has been about defending Terrasen for Aelin, finding Aelin, restoring Aelin to her throne. He wants that Blood Oath like he wants nothing else. She is his only family left (or so he thought) and is extremely important to him. He feels guilt over all that she went through and wants to keep her from suffering any further. So when something seriously bad happens to her, he goes a little berserk. I also understand that in moments of shock, grief, and pain, people say things that they don’t mean. Aedion was CLEARLY in shock, and experiencing some grief and pain. I could most likely forgive him pretty easily for his remarks at the end of EoS. . .calling Lysandra a lying bitch. Not nice, and he owes her a big apology, but like I said. . .he was in shock and deserves a little grace.

I expected stoney, tense, cold-shoulder silence between the two of them in here. I figured he’d regret what he said almost immediately but still be too upset and confused to do anything about it, and there would be more awkwardness than anything else. What I did NOT expect was for what he said to her in EoS to seem like mild name-calling in comparison to the things he said in here.

“He wants us to move the army back to him, and then to Orynth,” Aedion said, making to continue to Kyllian’s tent. “Immediately.”

She stepped in his path. “I can go, tell him this army needs to rest.”

“Is this some attempt to reenter my good graces?”

Her emerald eyes went as cold as the winter night around them. “I don’t give a damn about your good graces. I care about this army being worn down with unnecessary movements”.

She shrewdly looked him over. As if weighing the man within. “It was real, Aedion,” she said. “All of it. I don’t care if you believe me or not. But it was real for me.”

He couldn’t bare to hear it. “I have a meeting,” he lied, and stepped around her. “Go slither off somewhere else.”

Lysandra opened her eyes, peering up at him. At the rage on his face, the hatred.

She managed to stand, her body bleating in pain. Managed to look him in the eye, even as Aedion said again with quiet cold, “Get out.”

Barefoot in the snow, naked beneath her cloak. Aedion glanced at her bare legs, as if realizing it. As if not caring.

So Lysandra nodded, clutching Ansel’s cloak tighter, and strode into the frigid night.

Like yo Aedion, do you have a fucking Valg in you?????????? Seriously, what the fuck dude!!!! In what universe is saying or doing ANY of this okay??? Like I said, people say things they don’t mean when they’re shocked and in pain. Yeah, I understand he’s still going through a lot (and I do mean A LOT) but that is absolutely no excuse for the way he acted towards her. His continued treatment of her like garbage is terrible and it made me feel not so friendly towards him. It blew my mind that he was so upset over Aelin that he couldn’t see the selflessness in Lysandra’s decision. This girl has already been through SO MUCH (like honestly, this entire series is just full of characters who have the most traumatic backstories ever, I s2g), has been horrifically used and abused her entire life. She finally finds meaning and purpose in her life, finds freedom and the chance to make her own decisions. And she is willing to essentially give ALL of this up, sacrifice her freedom and control over her life that means EVERYTHING to her, for her friend. The first real friend she’s probably ever had in her life. Lysandra preparing to “be” Aelin for the rest of her life means she’ll have a huge target on her back from countless different people. She’ll be expected to give so much, when she has never been prepared for this sort of life at all. She’ll be expected to inspire, to lead, to rule, when all she wants is to have her own life. She’ll never be able to have her own children, never be able to follow her own dreams. She essentially signed her life away as much as Aelin did. She did all this FOR Aelin, FOR Terrasen, FOR the people, so they might not lose hope, and see their queen take her throne. And all Aedion sees is that she lied to him and was a compliance in Aelin being taken off to be tortured.

Aedion, you think Lysandra doesn’t love Aelin too??? You think it wasn’t just as hard for her to hear what Aelin planned to do, and to go along with it in order to try and help her friend in the best way she could???? And now she has to deal with your salty bitter ass, flinging insults and treating her like she’s worthless. She is giving SO MUCH to this war, she’s exhausting herself fighting on the front lines, using so much of her shape-shifting power, when it would be so easy for her to just walk away from all of this. And you threw her out, NAKED, into the snow. GOD DAMN, SON.

(The one thing I WILL give him is that their plan definitely wasn’t fullproof. I also found myself wondering what would happen if/when “Aelin” needed to display her powers or use them to help people. Someone would notice eventually that she doesn’t have any magic. If she was thinking long term enough for Lysandra to have “Aelin’s” children, how could they not have thought of this? They would have had to stage some story/lie about how she lost her powers eventually.)

Sorry, I just really needed to get that off my chest. I have wanted to chew Aedion out over that for a long time. Not that Lysandra didn’t get her own chance.

When she knew they were losing that battle because their morale was so low. . .and she took on Aelin’s form, and put herself at the front line. And took on those ilken, KNOWING that she was essentially powerless against them, but was going to be brave and go down fighting anyway. . .

She went down, shield rising to cover herself.

He took it back.

He took back everything he had said to her, every moment of anger in his heart.

Aedion shoved through his own men, unable to breathe, to think.

He took it back; he hadn’t meant a word of it, not really.

As horrifying and awful as this scene was, part of me was so cruelly satisfied by it. YEAH AEDION, NOW YOU SEE WHAT HER DECISION MEANS. Oh, you “take it back”, do you???? IT’S TOO LATE, YOU BAG OF DICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fortunately, Lysandra and I proved to be pretty much of the same mind about this.

“I have been degraded and humiliated in so many ways, for so many years,” she said, voice shaking. “But I have never felt as humiliated as I did when you threw me into the snow. When you called me a lying bitch in front of our friends and allies. Never. I was once forced to crawl before men. And gods above, I nearly crawled for you these months. And yet it takes me nearly dying for you to realize that you’ve been an ass? It takes me nearly dying for you to see me as human again?”

Suffice it to say, I suppose he was sufficiently punished after this. Lysandra cut him like a razor and then he was stripped of his title, which literally meant everything to him. I still expected some groveling, which we got. But at the same time. . .nothing he did was ever really addressed?? I get that war and life-or-death situations bring people together (Lorcan and Elide, I’m comin’ for ya!!!) and I’m all for that, but that still doesn’t change the fact that he said and did some really fucked up things to her and they never really talked about it. I guess, in the grand scheme of ALL that was going on in this world, it was kind of inconsequential, and any more love and light we can get in the world is a good thing, especially after all the darkness they had just endured. Lysandra’s a very good person for forgiving him, because I know plenty that would have kicked him to the curb and never looked back. In the end, I’m extremely happy they’re getting married and they’re so happy. The two of them were my main contenders for people who were going to die in this book and I’m very glad I was wrong about this. I cried actual tears when Aedion took the blood oath at the end. I love that Lysandra is recognized as the Lady of Cavarre and their children will inherit it. I love that her and Falkan found each other!!!! Can he provide any description at all of what her parents look like, and would that help jog her memory at all of her own features? Even though at this point, everyone knows her as the face she wears, but I’m sure she’d still like to know. Even better: what if her and Aedion’s children are born with HER features, rather than the Ashryver ones they were banking on them getting when she was pretending to be Aelin?? My heart can’t handle it. Also, will their children inherit the shapeshifting gift? Can you imagine little baby ghost leopards and their ghost leopard mama??? My heart REALLY can’t handle it. I once read this really badass headcanon somewhere here on Tumblr that their daughter became Terrasen’s spymaster with that gift. . .that sounds pretty epic to me. The first time Evangeline appeared on the page, I literally teared up. Please don’t let anything happen to this precious little baby, I pleaded. Thank God someone was listening. Although with as big of a dick Darrow was being this entire time, all the time they spent together was making me really nervous. I didn’t trust him for SO long!! It all turned out alright, though. . .she really is so pure and precious that she melted even his crusty old heart. Like a high fantasy Cindy Lou Who and the Grinch.

Right up until this book’s release, I still had not read Tower of Dawn. Anyone who knows me at all knows I was no great fan of Chaol. If you’ve ever watched Christine Riccio’s videos, my stance on him was pretty much exactly the same as hers. I was FIRMLY Team Dorian and Chaol did pretty much nothing for me. Even after Rowan came into the picture and poor Chaol got put in the SJM Past Relationship Garbage Can, he was never someone I loved. As little as I felt towards him, I felt even less about Nesryn. I felt no strong desire whatsoever to read Tower of Dawn for a long time. I started hearing really great things about it, so my expectations were slowly building. By the time I did read it. . .WOW. It changed everything for me. I thought it was SO SO good and MAN, did it change my opinion on Chaol!!! Congrats, Sarah, you won me over with him completely. Mission accomplished, okay??!?!?! I LOVE CHAOL NOW!! I shipped him and Yrene so hard. I should also take his moment to talk about my love for Yrene. She is too good for this world and all I aspire to be in life. I’ve always kind of loved her ever since The Assassin’s Blade but I was a total goner when she shared that she wanted to go back to Erilea to help in the war, even though she was being offered everything in that southern continent. They are so well suited for each other it’s painful. I still don’t care AS much for Nesryn, she’ll never be my favorite character, but I do acknowledge that she’s a total badass and think it’s pretty epic that she’s going to be an EMPRESS now. That’s pretty hardcore. (Sartaq is also a total sweetie and I, too, would probably follow him into battle).

So I was TOTALLY thrilled to see all of them in here again!! Nesryn and Sartaq were significantly badass the entire time, they’re going to make an amazing khagan and empress. . .what a fucking power couple. They got off pretty much scot free, nothing even happened to their ruks, which I kind of thought would happen. Those god damn ruks I feel like did more work than anyone in this entire book. There were so many times where I’m like “those poor ruks must be fucking exhausted!!!”

Chaol and Yrene slayed me from page one (or whatever page they came in on). The thought that their lives were bound together, knowing what we were going into was honestly scary to think about. You know what else absolutely slayed and gutted me?? Finding out she was PREGNANT.

THAT’S JUST WHAT WE NEED RIGHT NOW. A VULNERABLE UNBORN BABY. BEING CARRIED BY A HEALER WHO’S SKILLS ARE UNPARALLELED, GOING INTO THE BIGGEST FUCKING WAR OF ALL TIME. GOOD. GREAT. AWESOME. FANTASTIC.

The way poor Chaol found out was just awful!!!! His father really is a PEACH. Hated him back in Crown of Midnight, hated him now. Watching everybody lay into him was really great. He can go off and be miserable somewhere and I hope we never see him again. I am SO happy that Chaol reconnected with his mother and that she’s going to be a part of their lives.

The Chaol/Yrene/Aelin reunion was beautiful and perfect and absolutely everything I ever wanted it to be. I was so hyped for this moment since finishing Tower of Dawn, I was about a second away from exploding from sheer excitement. When Aelin saw him walking and started crying, and they HUGGED, I immediately burst into tears. Even though I was not a Chaolaena shipper, I hated the way their relationship ended and was handled in Queen of Shadows. Even though it wasn’t who I wanted her to be with, it was a truly beautiful relationship that was built on some very real things and I thought they both deserved better than the bitterness, anger, and lack of trust we were left with the last time we saw him. Tower of Dawn and this moment healed this, as effectively as if Yrene had done it herself. Anything that brought reference back to the earlier books had me emotional as hell, and this moment really opened the floodgates. Aelin and Yrene WOW omg kill me. I LOVE that Aelin remembered her immediately and that Yrene got to tell her everything she had done with her life and how grateful she was. I loved that Aelin got to see how one small act of kindness had dramatically changed so many people’s lives. UGH it was just the best.

When Aelin and Chaol lead the charge from Anielle together. . .oh man, it hit me hard.

“To Lord Chaol! To the queen!”

How far they both were from Rifthold. From the assassin and the captain.

Like I said, I didn’t even LIKE the Chaolaena relationship when it was happening, but this completely gave me all the feels. I was a mess.

I was worried af for Yrene this whole time. Aelin gets a lot of credit for being the magic powerhouse in this series, but idk man. . .I think Yrene’s really where it’s at. The whole time, I was waiting for her to basically just collapse in exhaustion. She’s working as a magical healer in what’s probably the bloodiest war their world has ever experienced, getting hardly any rest, is stressed and worried as hell for her husband who’s fighting in the war, and is walking around puking in buckets in between healings because she’s fucking PREGNANT. When Aelin and Co. started getting all excited because they found out she could heal the Valg out of people and were asking for a demonstration and they found out she had already done TEN that day I was like

YRENE NEEDS TO REST, OKAY EVERYONE?!?!?!? SHE’S GONNA BURN HERSELF OUT!!!

But no!!!! She never does!!! We know she’s tired but she never shows signs of like a major burn out that even Aelin has?? She just gets back up and keeps going?? Like where is the end to her power?? I swear, this woman is incredible. I knew that theoretically she could “heal” Erawan away but somehow even knowing this I never really thought she’d do it. I still always thought it would be Aelin (but let’s be real, this girl had far too much on her plate at this point). But no???? Yrene just steps right up and is like

She SMILES and calls him pathetic!!!! Doesn’t even flinch!!!! Baby’s fine, she’s fine!!! Erawan is GONE!!! WHERE WERE YOU THIS ENTIRE SERIES, YRENE!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I honestly feel like she’ll be just as much of a legend in their world now as Aelin will be. Remember in Heir of Fire, when Aelin’s fighting the ilken and she has that vision (or something) of the future where she comes back for her people and they’re all chanting her name, thanking her for banishing the darkness??? NOPE, YRENE. (And DORIAN, but we’ll get to that later)

I absolutely love the idea of her opening a Torre in Erilea. Her and Chaol are going to be so so happy. My one regret is that we didn’t get to see that baby. I really really wanted to. I thought maybe it would be in an epilogue or something. That’s another thing. . .I kept waiting for her to lose that baby. That would have brought things to a level of tragic I’m not really sure I could handle, so thank you Sarah for being kind to me that way. I’m probably going to hold out hope of seeing until I actually see it, so anytime you wanna get on that Sarah would be great.

Moving on to my NEW FAVES, LORCAN AND ELIDE!!!!!!!!!!

I didn’t really know what I felt about them for a long time. I remember starting Empire of Storms and honest to God not even remembering who Lorcan was. I seriously had almost no recollection of him from Queen of Shadows. I was pretty meh on their storyline through Empire of Storms the first time I read it. It wasn’t until my re-read before Kingdom of Ash where I was like ??????? How have I not noticed these two more???? I literally love them with all my heart???? I ship them with the intensity of a thousand suns????

They gave me ALL the feels and it made Lorcan’s “betrayal” at the end of EoS even worse. I, like Elide, was pretty disgusted by him crawling after Maeve. I could honestly forgive everything else pretty easily. He had good intentions, he really did. But it’s like people expecting Manon to all the sudden be all warm and fuzzy in the blink of an eye. He’s trying to care for and protect the person he cares about but he literally does not know how. He’s going to make some mistakes. His just happened to be mildly catastrophic. *wince*

But yeah, all of that pretty much got pushed to the side when I saw him groveling and crawling through the sand after her. I was completely with Elide on this one. Like Are you for real, dude??? All of that just happened, and you STILL want to go back with her?? Go crawl off and be miserable somewhere.

But THEN when you find out the REAL reason he was acting like that. . .not trying to crawl for Maeve but for AELIN, it’s like. . .oh. Okay. Okay then. OKAY OKAY OKAY. I’M SORRY, LORCAN, OKAY???? COME ON, ELIDE, GIVE THE GUY A CHANCE!!!!!

It was impossible for me to stay mad at him after that. He is so so SO painfully whipped for Elide it’s hysterical. I just kept waiting for her to crack. I have never wanted to hug anyone more than I wanted to hug him when she was still mad at him. It was like watching a kicked puppy. She was cold as ice for so long that eventually I was like ELIDE, THIS MAN IS SUFFERING!!!!! PUT HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!

The things she said to him before that battle were SO mean. I felt so awful for him. But then as soon as he got hurt, I knew something epic was going to happen. I could FEEL it.

That whole sequence where she realizes he’s missing, and takes that horse, and charges out to find him, knowing that the flood is coming, but not caring because she has to find him and tell him she loves him. . .that scene CHANGED. MY. LIFE.

I was shaking and crying like a lunatic through the entire thing. The whole thing was so well-written, you could feel the intensity, you could feel her desperation, you could feel the sense of time ticking by and running out. It was as if all the sudden, before my eyes, the intensity and depth of their relationship was revealed to me, so much greater than I ever thought it was before, and I was as desperate for her to find him as she was. There was a minute where I genuinely thought they were both goners. I thought this was some dramatic painful way Sarah was going to write their deaths. I was riding on the edge of my seat the entire god damn time.

I also thought this was going to be a dramatic reveal of magic for Elide. The question was raised in Queen of Shadows AND Empire of Storms why Vernon wanted her so badly. Apparently she has witch blood from her mom’s side (this was never really explained and I’m still curious?) and then the Lochan bloodline has a history of powerful magic. Vernon was like hinting that she specifically, or her bloodline, was destined for some greatness and would make for extremely powerful demon Valg babies. I thought maybe in this moment, she would do what Aelin ends up doing. . .that it would take this moment, her and Lorcan and everyone else’s lives being in danger, for her magic to burst out and stop the flood. I still think that would have been cool. But in a way, I kind of like that she has no real magic, but she completely holds her own among all these extremely powerful people that do--and not just holds her own, but often one ups them all and shows everyone up. She’s incredible on her own, just as she is.

(I also thought we’d get to see Yrene heal her leg. I’m satisfied knowing it’s coming, though!)

After that, everything between them slayed me a million times over. Seeing the way Lorcan was with her seriously brought tears to my eyes. I want a whole book of just fluff between them. Seriously, Lorcan is the sweetest god damn teddy bear ever and I can’t stand it.

“Perranth will be rebuilt,” was all he said. “We’ll see that it is.”

“Have you ever done it? Rebuilt a city?”

“No,” he admitted, coaxing the pain from her aching bones. “I have only destroyed them.” His eyes lifted to hers, searching and open. “But I should like to try. With you.”

But then. . .of all the smutty, kinky, X-Rated level of sex scenes we get in Sarah’s work. . .you chose to cut off Lorcan and Elide’s into a fade-to-black. Like I’m sorry. . .what do you think this is, a PG-13 YA????!?!? You held out on the goods, Sarah. I’m disappointed.

Elide’s uncle met a very satisfying and poetically just ending. He deserved everything he got. When he was begging for mercy, to keep from being locked up and left. . .give me a break, give me a fucking break. You had no problem doing it to a helpless child for ten years. . .have a taste of your own medicine, bitch.

Vernon’s face went the color of spoiled milk. “You mean to leave me in their hands, utterly defenseless?”

“I was defenseless when you let my leg remain unhealed,” she said, a steady sort of calm settling over her. “I was a child then, and I survived. You’re a grown man. We’ll see if you do too.”

Something that was a whole big issue for these two for a good part of the book was the fact that Lorcan was immortal and Elide was not. I never really got why they were so worried about it. I don’t remember how I knew this, but I knew that fae had the ability to give up their immortality. So the whole time, I just expected that he would do this. Whenever he had an internal breakdown over the fact that she would grow old and die and he would be left behind to endure it, I was like. . . . . .give up your immortality??? If she means that much to you, which it clearly sounds like she does. I know that’s a thing that can be done, so why are we wasting so much angst on it?? Oh well, I’m glad he figured it out in the end. Elide and I were both very moved by it. (Although small side note: I hate when some characters in books are immortal and others are not. I still have PTSD about this from Clockwork Princess. Yes, the problem is rectified between the two of them, but it does not change the fact that Aelin and Rowan are immortal and are going to have to watch them wither and die one day. I hate it, I fucking hate it. I only like immortality if we’re ALL immortal!!!)

And of course, “Lord Lorcan Lochan” is utterly hilarious and perfect in every way. I love love LOVED their ending “Ask me to marry you” scene. Please give me more of them Sarah, I’m begging you.

And now, the time has come. . .the time to discuss my literal top two favorite characters in this entire series, the two that have rocked my world and turned it upside down the past couple years. MAKE WAY FOR MANON AND DORIAN, EVERYONE.

I guess I should preface this by saying that my preference for the Manorian ship went through a drastic and complete overhaul in the days following Empire of Storms. For those of you that don’t know, I was a MASSIVE die-hard Doraelin shipper back in the day. I held on all the way through Crown of Midnight and Heir of Fire. I REALLY thought this was where we were going in the end. I was completely convinced that we were going to come back in Queen of Shadows and discover that Dorian was Aelin’s mate, because even though he was Evil Valg Dorian, she wouldn't be able to hurt him. I thought the parallels in their stories were leading to an endgame romance. . .both had endured the traumatic deaths of their significant others, both had insanely powerful magic, and both were royalty, worthy of each other. Celaena belonged with Chaol, but I thought AELIN belonged with Dorian. I was CONVINCED this was where we were going, people. I didn’t even consider Rowan a potential love interest.

LITTLE DID I KNOW.

It became apparent pretty quickly that the Doraelin ship was tanking. I fought it for a while. It sucked. But I refused to abandon ship!!

Then things started get even more complicated, when Queen of Shadows was released, and there were hints of a Manorian ship. I didn’t take any of it seriously. It was honestly like a crack ship to me. I didn’t think anything would ever really come of it.

LITTLE DID I KNOW.

Then Empire of Storms came out and all the sudden it was like. . .Wait, this is real???

Initially. . .I fucking HATED this ship. I cursed it to the fiery pits of hell and waited for it to sink to oblivion. Any time Manon spoke, thought, or interacted with Dorian I was like

I was so protective of Dorian and so wound up in the Doraelin ship, that I could not accept anything to do with Manorian. I didn’t see how anything involving it would ever possibly work out. However, upon finishing Empire of Storms, things slowly started to change. Rowan was confirmed as Aelin’s mate, so there was no point in hanging on to anything there. My feelings toward Manon also changed dramatically in that book. I enjoyed her since the end of Heir of Fire, and genuinely liked her in Queen of Shadows, but Empire of Storms brought her up in my Top 3 Favorite Characters. Seeing where her story was going changed my whole viewpoint on this dramatically. I went back and read the Manorian parts with an open mind. About a week later, I was total Manorian trash.

I went into this book EXTREMELY excited for all the Manorian. Like I said, they are in my Top 3 Favorite Characters (the other being Aelin) separately. I think what I began to realize after Empire of Storms, that when I was obsessed with the idea of Doraelin, I think what I was really obsessed with was Dorian. I loved him so much that he was what I was hung up on. When I found Manorian, I was way WAY more into it than I EVER was with Doraelin. I don’t really have a super eloquent reason why I love him so much. It was pretty much love at first sight, I loved him ever since he strolled onto the page in Throne of Glass. I just latched onto him immediately. I loved the light heartedness he brought to the series back then. I loved that he loved to read, that he gave her a puppy (omg I will never be over that scene), that when he felt, he felt so deeply. (Plus I have a weakness for black hair and blue eyes, ok????). I sensed that there was so much more to him and I was right. When we found out that he had raw magic. . .*SWOON*.

He went through some dark shit in the past couple books, particularly this one. I have to say, I was shocked to see how “normal” he was thinking and behaving in Empire of Storms, after the ordeal he went through. He seemed shockingly unaffected. I don’t know if it was supposed to be delayed PTSD or what, because all the sudden it seemed like everything started surfacing in this book. Sorscha was brought up a LOT. Not that he doesn’t have a reason to be thinking about her, I just was surprised, because I barely remember her getting mentioned in EoS. He was so clearly mentally damaged here, it was legit painful for me to read. I can not tell you how much it hurt me every time he talked about going off and sacrificing himself to seal the Lock because no one would really care.

ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WOULD CARE, DORIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG BABY PLS DON’T SAY THIS!!!!!

His powers. . .I cannot even believe them. I swear to God, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK AELIN IS THE MOST POWERFUL?!?!? Her power is more outwardly catastrophic, but all she can work with is fire (and that tiny bit of water). Dorian’s got, and I quote, “Raw magic that could grant him any gifts: ice, flame, healing, heightened senses and strength. Perhaps shape shifting if he tried.” So you’re basically telling me that Dorian is Aelin, Rowan, Yrene, Aedion, AND Lysandra all wrapped up into one, PLUS God knows what else!!!!! YOUR FAVE COULD NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And yet. . .no one ever takes him seriously in this whole fucking series!!!!!!! It’s not that people are insulting or dismissing of him, necessarily, it’s just that no one seems to understand what a fucking powerhouse he really is. Everyone’s so concerned about Aelin and her magic and no one seems to even consider him. I’m over here like “Uhhhh guys??? Look at the power this guy wields. THIS seems like the guy I’d be fighting to recruit for my side!!” I think this is very likely why I liked Manorian so much. . .she seemed to immediately realize the depth of his power and respect it.

The fact that he mastered SHAPESHIFTING is just fucking INSANE!!!! Everyone makes such a big deal about Lysandra and it’s like. . .Dorian can do this too, plus also a million other things?? Like no big deal???? He’s so good and pure and just wants to be a better king than his father??? Plus he loves books and dogs??? Ugh, here’s my heart, just take it. I love him so much.

The whole time he was in Morath was honestly one of the most stressful times of the entire book. I just kept waiting and waiting for something terrible to happen. I didn’t know how I would handle it. When Maeve finally called him out and trapped him. . .

I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was preparing for the worst. But then, things started to get a little complicated. It was (mercifully) brief but there was really a time in my life when I ACTUALLY thought Dorian was going to marry Maeve. I really honestly thought he was going to go through with it for a hot minute and I honestly wanted to die. (More on my thoughts specifically about Maeve later). I had horrible flashbacks to Kai marrying Queen Levana in The Lunar Chronicles. I know he kind of said it was all a ruse, but he was so convincing and it went on for so long, that the lines started to blur for me and I was actually afraid we were going to go through with this.

“You want a kingdom? Then join mine. Ally with me, work with me to get what we need from Erawan, and I shall make you queen. Of a far bigger territory, with a people who will not rise up against you. A new start, I suppose.”

“The woman I love is dead. My kingdom is in pieces. What do I have to lose?”

“You came to Morath for a key and will leave with a bride.”

BUT THEN.

“It was as simple as an incision. To sever the link between their minds--and to sever another part of her.

To tie off the gift that allowed her to jump between places. To open those portals.

World-walker no longer, he said, as his raw magic shifted her own. Changed it’s very essence. I suggest you invest in a good pair of shoes.

And when he looked behind him, at the mountain and valley that reeked of death, at the place where so many terrible things had begun, Doran smiled and brought Morath’s towers crashing down.

I should have known to have better faith in him. He was just so amazing in this part and I was in total awe. I have a lot more feelings on him and what his future has in store, but I’ll save that for a little later.

I need to talk about Manon for a little bit.

Right now, my feelings on her are a complicated mix of

and

So, like I was kind of saying earlier. . .like a lot people, my opinion on Manon changed a lot throughout the series. I went from pretty much hating her, to loving her almost more than anyone else. It’s crazy how your opinion on someone can change so drastically after just one book. Empire of Storms made me see Manon in a whole new light. We already knew the direction her story was heading, of her finding her humanity and learning to love, but when we learned all the heartbreaking details about her parents, her half-sister, and the true depth of the evil her grandmother was capable of, it elevated things to another level for me. Her story now meant so much more and everything about her made me so emotional. I went back and re-read the entire Throne of Glass series before this came out and was absolutely blown away by how much I adored reading each of her parts. Her story with Abraxos. . .like omg I can’t. I get emotional and teary just thinking about it. And the Thirteen. . .The Thirteen. You know how sometimes when you read a book, you find yourself just latching on to certain characters, even if they’re not a central part of the story? You get irrationally excited reading about them and they take up a really special place in your heart? That’s how the Thirteen were for me. I absolutely loved them and thought they were so fucking awesome. Out of all them, I loved Asterin the most. I loved Asterin so much. Her story was, I think, one of the worst that anyone in that whole series experienced. To this day, I can’t read or think about it too closely because I can’t comprehend how awful it was. The fact that she went through all of that and was still so brave and good. . .it moves me to tears. And her loyalty to Manon. . .please don’t even get me started. The fact that she (and all of them, really, but especially her) was able to see the potential Manon had, far before Manon ever saw it in herself, and were so confident in it that she would follow her anywhere. . .kill me now. Their relationship really got me. Please don’t ever speak to me again about how it was being faced with having to kill Asterin that finally made Manon turn on her grandmother after an entire century. They were the ultimate Ride or Die duo and one of my favorite fictional friendships ever.

I pretty much expected one or some of the Thirteen to die in this book. Given the way Sarah handled A Court of Wing and Ruin, I didn’t think any of our main players would die. Yes, this was a very high stakes book, but I was pretty confident that all of those guys were getting a happy ending. Killing of some of the Thirteen would be tragic enough to where we would feel it, but it wouldn't be a total devastation to the story.

We should probably first start off by talking about the horrific beyond belief moment when Abraxos gets attacked. I swear to God, when that happened, I actually think I blacked out for a second. I REALLY honestly 100% thought he was going to die right there at that part. I remembered Sarah saying that the only guaranteed survivor of the series would be Fleetfoot, Aelin’s pet, but we didn’t hear anything about Manon’s. I’d said before this book that if anything happened to Abraxos, I’d probably go even more apeshit than Manon and just wouldn't be able to handle it. I briefly lost my absolute mind when this happened, and couldn’t function or even really read the words on the page until I knew he was going to be okay. It scared the living shit out of me.

When she told him she loved him. . .

I was still fucking reeling from THAT, when it happened. I was so shaken up and emotional at that point, that I didn’t even really realize what was happening at first. I seriously didn’t even understand. Then I started to get a horrible feeling but was still like No no no no no no, Sarah wouldn't really do this. It’s a trick. Then she started listing names and I realized what was happening. I was in denial all the way up until Asterin. At that point, I completely lost it. I had to put the book down and sob dramatically into my hands. I sat and cried on my bed for a good five minutes and couldn’t keep reading because I was so shocked and devastated.

(Side note: I had to stop reading then because it was getting so late and I didn’t really have the mental energy to continue anyway. I was basically a total and complete emotional mess at work the next day. I shouldn’t have been allowed around people.)

I couldn’t believe it. I still really can’t. I’m still a pretty big mess about it. I might even go so far as to say that this is the most upset I’ve been about a fictional death. . .ever? I know that’s a bold statement and I’m still raw to everything, but I really honestly think it might be. I’ve been mourning them like people I actually knew ever since I finished.

Most of these intense emotions come from my feelings on Manon. The way I view her is so completely different now. I cannot begin to imagine what she is going through from this. It’s overwhelming. Other than Abraxos, the Thirteen were all she had. She had no one else. Losing them is essentially the same as someone losing their entire family AND friends all at the same time and having to watch. All when you’re just coming to terms with things like emotion, friendship, and love, and possibly gaining hope for a better future for the first time in your life. Aelin went through a lot, and I know that, but I really don’t think there’s anyone in this series that is was more damaged than Manon was over the course of her life. I’ve seen a lot of people complaining about how they like that she’s so fierce and independent and don’t want to see her change who she is for the sake of a ship or whatever other reason. I have no doubt that Manon is fierce and independent and many other wonderful things. But there is a big difference between fierceness and independence and the way she was living her life before this series. She was abused and brainwashed into being a heartless killer with suppressed emotions, point blank. She was repeatedly told by her only (or so she thought) family member that she didn’t have a heart or a soul and the only things that mattered in life were discipline and brutality. This is not normal or healthy in any way. Not everyone has to be a super cuddly fuzzy person, but this kind of extreme lifestyle is destructive and harmful. I was never interested in seeing Manon lose her entire identity and become a domestic little wifey to someone DORIAN but learning to love and care for others? Taking all that she’s capable of and putting it towards fighting for good? Absolutely. To me, that’s not Manon’s character being ruined. It’s her character being improved.

So when you stop and think about who she was when we met her and how, really, she could have lived her life as a completely normal person, the damage that was plainly done to her is astounding. I think she’s slowly starting to come to terms with this, which is very hard for her, because I’m sure she has never thought of herself as a victim even once in her life. Adding this into the mix is so painful I can barely even think about it. When she went down onto the field after it was all over, knelt on the spot where the Yielding happened, and wept for them. . .that hurt. It hurt a LOT. Seeing Manon cry was harder than seeing any other character in that entire series cry.

Oh, and let’s also not forget that Abraxos lost his mate. Like. . .actually kill me now.

Like I said, the way I think of her is so completely different now. The grief she has to be going through is staggering. You do not suffer that kind of loss and then continue to be the same person. I know she was growing closer with her Crochan relatives, but who does she REALLY have?? Is she okay?? Can she talk to someone? I know she’s strong and I know she’s tough as nails, but she was so clearly destroyed by this that I just worry for her so much.

This is also made even more sad by the fact that before this I was riding SUCH a high with her part of the story!!! I knew that winning over the Crochans was NOT going to be an easy task and I was so curious to see how she would handle it. They definitely had a rocky start but it was all made right for me in the end.

“All my life,” Manon said, her voice wavering only slightly, “I have been fed a lie. A lie about who we are, what we are. That we are monsters, and proud to be.” She ran a finger over the scrap of red fabric binding her braid. “But we were made into them. Made,” she repeated, “When we might be so much more.”

“The choice of how our people’s future shall be shaped is yours,” Manon told each of the witches assembled, all the Blackbeaks who might fly to war and never return. “But I will tell you this.” Her hands shook, and she fisted them on her thighs. “There is a better world out there. And I have seen it.”

“I have seen witch and human and Fae dwell together in peace. And it is not a weakness to do so, but a strength. I have met kings and queens whose love for their kingdoms, their people, is so great that the self is secondary. Whose love for their people is so strong that even in the face of unthinkable odds, they do the impossible.”

Manon lifted her chin. “You are my people. Whether my grandmother decrees it so or not, you are my people, and always will be. But I will fly against you, if need be, to ensure that there is a future for those who can not fight for it themselves. Too long have we prayed on the weak, relished doing so. It is time that we became better than our foremothers. There is a better world out there,” she said again. “And I will fight for it. Will you?”

YES MANON!!!!!!! Go back and read her first few chapters in Heir of Fire, and then come look at this. She has changed so much over the series. Her character growth is honestly profound.

And then the scene where she takes on all of the Matrons. . .

She knew no one would be there if she looked. Knew no one else could see them, sense them, standing with her. Standing with their daughter against the witch who had destroyed them.

Her grandmother spat on the ground, barring her rusted teeth.

This death, though. . .

It was not her death to claim.

It did not belong to the parents whose spirit’s lingered at her side, who might have been there all along, leading her towards this. Who had not left her, even with death separating them.

No, it did not belong to them, either.

She looked behind her. Toward the Second waiting beside Dorian.

Tears slid down Asterin’s face. Of pride--pride and relief.

Manon beckoned to Asterin with an iron-tipped hand.

SHE WAS GOING TO LET ASTERIN KILL HER. I CAN’T HANDLE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah. . .to see the epic place her character was going and then have that happen. . .it’s not fair, it’s so completely not fair. I wanted them all to see the Wastes together. I wanted Asterin to find happiness again--even though a good friend of mine made the point that her happiness was getting Manon where she needed to be and destroying the Matron. She did what she always wanted to do and now she’s at peace. This is 100% true and makes sense, but it still hurts. It hurts thinking about the REAL friendship her and Manon could have had from this point on. Ugh, now I’m sad again. I just really really want Manon to be okay.Now, as far as the actual Manorian goes. . .some things were a lot like how I expected and other things were NOT like what I expected. I didn’t really expect Dorian to be so emo in this book but I did fully expect them to have a “You do care--you care so much it scares you and you’re running away because you’re terrified” conversation. I’ve seen some people saying that their relationship doesn’t really seem to have much basis or foundation and they’re just using each other for sex to avoid talking about their feelings. As big of a Manorian shipper as I am, I can kind of see some accuracy in this. I think that’s kind of the point, though. The relationship started out this way and over time, they slowly begin to grow attached and see each other as more than a physical distraction. They are both good people at their core who are going through a lot. I think watching the other one overcome their struggles plays a big part in where this attachment comes from. The two of them have always been able to see each other so clearly, even when no one else could. There is an undeniable connection in that regard, for whatever reason. Dorian’s experience with Sorscha and the Valg prince and Manon’s experience in, well, basically this entire series, changed them significantly. I think both of their character arcs actually have a lot of similarities, some of which are even discussed in this book (coming to terms with hating the person who raised them). I think both of them are just beginning the process of figuring out who they want to be in life, which makes me really firmly believe we haven’t seen the last of them.

We’re not done with them yet. We can’t be. Sarah HAS to have some kind of project with them up her sleeve. This story is just begging to be written and I really can’t imagine that it wouldn't be. Kingdom of Ash ended with both of them physically safe, with positive seeming futures, but neither one are really even close to being whole and happy in any sense of the words. Dorian knows he wants to be a better king than his father but he very clearly has no self worth and is struggling a lot as far as what his place in the world is. Manon’s problems are self explanatory. She’s dealing with the horrific aftermath of losing every person she had in the world. Both of them are about to head off to kingdoms that are basically in shambles and try to do right by them, even though they are both internally suffering. Both Aelin and Chaol had books that were pretty much solely dedicated to their mental wellbeing--finding their self worth, their place in the world, and walking back that path to the light. They were both intensely powerful and emotional books. I just can’t imagine she would leave Manon and Dorian the way she did and not plan to give them something like this as well. Because they both really deserve it.

And, okay, I deserve it too!!!! My babies are suffering, therefore I’M suffering!!!!!!

Another thing that really makes me think this might happen is that I feel Sarah also has more she wants to do with Ansel. She offered to share the Wastes with Manon at the end of this book, so they’d be in the same place anyway. Ansel’s probably also not in a very good place at this point, after going through the death of all of her men (weren’t their heads being, like, catapulted or something? Gross). She lost all (or at least many) or her loyal followers, and so did Manon.

There were also those weird implications that something’s going on between her and Rolfe and Illias I think?? I’m very confident that Sarah has more to tell with that story as well. So basically, I’m just going to be sitting here waiting until this story is told.

Moving on to the Cadre. When we first met most of them in Empire of Storms, I was kind of meh. I couldn’t keep all the names straight and remember who’s tragic backstory was who’s. But my re-read did make me connect with them a lot more. Lorcan, I’ve already discussed. Gavriel. . .I always basically just felt sorry for him. Basically, I thought Aedion was an overly dramatic little bitch (as per usual with him) towards him in Empire of Storms. Look, dude. I get it. You never knew your father and lived your whole life living in resentment of him because you assumed he impregnated your mother and took off, leaving her to raise you alone. Yes, that IS what happened, but then we find out that Gavriel didn’t even know that Aedion existed. When he finds out he has a son, he is FLOORED, emotional, and wants to meet him. He did not know that Aedion’s mother was pregnant. Not responsible, I’ll definitely give you that. But it’s like, Aedion. . .how many people have YOU had casual sex with??? Every man (I’m sorry. . . “male”) in this series is described as some incredible sex god, whose bedroom prowess is legendary and has no equal. That’s gotta come from somewhere. Aedion was no virgin when we met him and neither was ANY other guy we met. I don’t see a ring on his finger so clearly he’s had relations with someone and then discontinued the relationship. Aedion’s mother purposefully worked so hard to keep the knowledge of Aedion’s existence from anyone in Wendlyn, including Gavriel, because she was so afraid of Maeve. This is not Gavriel’s fault. To me, this is like people getting mad that people in the ACOTAR universe treat Rhys like a bad guy, when Rhys acted like a bad guy and WANTED people to think he was a bad guy for fifty years. It’s not fair that Aedion had to grow up without a father, but he was not brought up this way because Gavriel is some flaky dirtbag who abandoned his child and didn’t give a crap about him. Aedion’s attitude towards him in Empire of Storms was, I thought, extremely harsh. Gavriel is so good, so honorable, and all he wants is to know his son. He worries so much about being “worthy” of his son, and I’m over here kind of like. . . “Ugh, dude, he’s the one not worthy of YOU”.

Despite my steadfast defense of him just now, I wasn’t too torn up over his death. I think probably what happened was just that I was so fucked up from the death of the Thirteen already that there really wasn’t much left in me to feel anything towards this. I was so shaken by that that I don’t know what it would have taken to get my thoughts off of it. If Gavriel’s death had come first, I think it would have been much more sad for me. It was also exactly the kind of death I expected. . .sad, meaningful, but not too devastating, where we’re losing anyone major. It was sad to see Aedion sad over him, though. That could have been a really beautiful relationship. I’m not unfeeling towards it, it was just no where NEAR the things I felt about the Thirteen. So it kind of got overshadowed.

NEW FAVORITE CHARACTER OF ALL TIME AWARD GOES TO FENRYS.

My feelings for him hit me like a mega bus and I was not prepared for it. Like I said, I was very meh on the Cadre before this but man, this guy won me over in this book. The fact that he was forced to witness Aelin’s torture. . .ugh, I can’t. I feel like that would be enough to make me lose my mind in about a day. I don’t know how he managed to keep any kind of sanity throughout that. I think the bond that they formed, even without the Blood Oath, is something incredibly deep and unbreakable. I can’t imagine how much it must have. . .helped? I don’t know if I can even use that word because there was nothing positive about that situation whatsoever, but I think having Fenrys there was probably what kept Aelin from going off some deep end that she could never come back from. Just knowing that there was one person there who was good, and cared about you, and knew the extent of your suffering. . .in a situation as horrific as she was in, this one little kernel of goodness most likely made an astronomical difference. The form of communication they formed through the blinking. . .I am here, I am with you.

I bawled like a freaking little baby when he finally broke through Maeve’s Blood Oath to come to her defense and then she gave him her Blood Oath to keep him from dying. Their relationship really gave me all the feels and I just love him so much now. I’m super interested in where his story is going. There was something mentioned at some point about him going off on some mission? Somewhere? For something? I can’t remember, but I know there was something. I’m betting my own paycheck he gets his own book.

I also wanted to touch briefly on Connall, and the way things ended with him. I’ve seen a lot of people cursing his name, saying good riddance, and that Fenrys deserves way better, which is shocking to me, because of the way I interpreted what Connall did. I could be completely wrong on this, but when I read this I assumed he was under Maeve’s control when he said it. Like she was making him say those things. What he said was definitely awful and uncalled for. It just didn’t make sense to me because him and Fenrys obviously have a really close bond because Fenrys was willing to bind himself to Maeve and basically be her sex slave to protect him. If Maeve could make him stab himself to death, I bet she could make him say those things. I read it kind of like the visions she was giving Rowan and Lorcan at the end, where Lyria and Elide were saying all that awful shit to them that they would obviously never say in real life. . .basically taking their own insecurities and inner demons and projecting them. Like I said, I could be totally wrong. And him and Maeve are both dead so I don’t know how we’d ever find out one way or another. Maeve was just so evil in this book that I viewed that whole scene as just one more torture device. I really can’t believe he just died that early on in the book! I fully expected a dramatic twin rescue/coming together storyline. Poor Fenrys :(

And honestly who the eff even is Vaughn????? Every time he was brought up, I was like. . .????? Who???! I feel like there has to be some purpose to him for him to even be created, and I’m still waiting!! (Another thing that gives me hope for more books in this world!)

Also, literally LOLing at the fact that Aedion was so upset in Queen of Shadows that Rowan took “THE” Blood Oath and not him and now Aelin literally has like 500 people Blood Oathed to her. Seriously, every member of the Cadre! See Aedion? It all worked out.

I thought all of the villains met their endings in very poetic and satisfying ways. Manon’s grandmother’s death, even though it absolutely killed me, was 100000% perfect and no other way would have been as satisfying. We knew Asterin had to do it (I just didn’t expect it to be a kamikaze mission!!!!!!). I lost track of the body Erawan was in. I know for a while he was Duke Perrington but I thought I remembered somewhere along the way reading that he wasn’t anymore. Wasn’t he in Dorian’s cousin, that guy Roland? The hot young blonde guy?? Was that who he was in this? I honestly don’t know. Either way, he was as evil as ever. Morath just seemed like one giant hellhole and anything to do with him grossed me out. One of the worst parts of the whole thing for me was finding out that he actually desired Manon and wanted her as his queen and for breeding.

The fact that he got melted away into nothing and totally obliterated by Yrene (AND DORIAN, PLEASE DON’T FORGET HIM!!!!!!!!) really is pathetic. That’s the best word Yrene could have picked to use then. The whole idea of her being the one to end him and not Aelin was a little jarring for me at first, just because it’s so normal for the main protagonist to take down the main villain, but I like this end for him way way better than him just being banished to another world. 1) I don’t trust those gods at all (more on that later) and 2) If he found his way in once, he could find his way in again. This way he’s gone and gone for good. Good riddance!!

Maeve. . .I was confused af over Maeve the entire time. She’s vile, horrible, morbid, and evil as hell, but once we found out her motive in Tower of Dawn, I really didn’t understand why she wasn’t siding with Aelin. She’s basically devoted her entire existence into keeping herself hidden from the Valg kings so she doesn’t have to go home to their awful dimension or whatever. The Valg kings tried to come here specifically so they could find her and hunt her down. Aelin is actively and openly trying to destroy Erawan and permanently banish him from this world. ?????? Sounds like a no-brainer to me?? If you were that concerned about him finding you and being there, I don’t know why she wouldn't at least make a temporary alliance with Aelin, then turn on her once he was gone (basically like she ended up trying to do with Dorian). I know she really wanted the Blood Oath from Aelin because she wanted to use her as a weapon, but I feel like given the present circumstances, all of that could have waited until Erawan was destroyed. Then go after her hard core for the Blood Oath. It got to a certain point though, where I didn’t even care about this anymore. What she had done to Aelin was so astronomically horrific that there was no coming back from it. All I wanted was for her to die. . .painfully. Once she started talking with Dorian, I got really REALLY nervous that this alliance was actually going to happen, and like I said, by that point I didn’t want it, no matter how much sense it made. I was so emotionally exhausted that I was having a hard time figuring out who was manipulating who in that situation. Thank God it never ended up happening. I kind of wanted Aelin to be the one to end her, but really, all of the Cadre suffered under her thumb so much that really any one of them would have been justified. Fenrys was definitely within his rights. I am not a supporter of violence, but Aelin’s beheading of her after that brought me so much satisfaction.

And now I guess there’s really only one thing to talk about left. The Fire Breathing Bitch Queen herself, the Faerie Queen of the West, Aelin of the Wildfire, and all her many other titles. And Rowan. . .can’t forget about him, can we?

I’ll admit, my feelings on them as a couple have not been generous since Queen of Shadows. I loved their relationship in Heir of Fire. It was one of my favorite things about the entire book. I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed reading a completely platonic male/female friendship that went so deep they would die for each other until I read one--there are so few out there that it wasn’t something I had much experience with. I am NOT complaining about romance--romance is my favorite thing in any story and I will never complain about it’s presence in literature. But this was really kind of refreshing and felt so special. The fact that it played such a big part in Aelin’s emotional recovery and, essentially her rebirth, made it feel even more special. Whenever I heard someone mention themselves being “Team Rowan”, I was genuinely shocked. I never even considered that as a legit ship prior to QoS (sort of like how I was with Manorian. . .LOL@me). So when Queen of Shadows started and suddenly things were very NOT platonic, I was extremely taken aback. It was just not at all what I was expecting, and everything about their relationship, which I loved so much before, felt completely different. All the sudden we were talking about having self control with nightgowns, tormenting each other about not wearing underwear to assassination missions, thinking of licking each other, and oh yes, I actually really felt this way about you ALL ALONG!!! I just never said it! I didn’t buy it. Going back and re-reading the series from start to finish again helped, because there wasn’t a 2 year gap in between Heir of Fire and Queen of Shadows. It made the transition a little more smooth and it did seem more believable this time around. The first time though. . . I didn’t see a scrap of evidence to suggest that this was feasible and was convinced that somewhere in the gap between HoF and QoS, Sarah got the hots for Rowan and decided that Aelin did too. To this day, I’m still not a big fan of the way the two of them treated other people in Queen of Shadows. It bothered me how once Rowan showed up, no one seemed to matter to Aelin. That might not be entirely fair, and I’m sure someone could present a counter argument to this, but I still got vibes of this even upon my recent re-read. This is partially a personal problem I have with Sarah’s writing. . .that once the main love interest is in the picture, suddenly everything becomes a comparison with absolutely everyone and everything. NO ONE can compare to the utter perfection of The Main Love Interest in any way, shape, or form. The Main Love Interest’s actions and words seem like they are done purely to showcase what utter failures everyone else is with their actions and words. . .even if Main Character had no problem with them in previous books. They are feminists, action-takers, sensitive, intuitive sex gods, and how ever did the Main Character not see what she was putting up with before him?????? It’s over the top and I start to find it obnoxious. I get the feelings like this Main Love Interest is being shoved down my throat, like I’m being given no choice but to love and adore him, because he is such Utter Perfection that it makes no logical sense not to. This is RAMPANT in ACOTAR (don’t even get me started) and I most definitely think it started to show itself here. Not nearly as extreme (seriously, I could rant about it forever), but there were definitely moments. I’m telling you, it’s not a coincidence. Aelin comes back from Wendlyn and suddenly Chaol is utter dirt. Even though one book prior to that, she was calling him her “home” and being moved to tears by him because he made her see the world the way it should be. Chaol was willing to give up his position and follow her anywhere, he wanted to marry her, but then Wait a second, she has magic?? Sorry, I take it back, she’s an unpredictable monster and I want nothing to do with her.

I could go through more examples but I won’t bore you with them. But seriously. . .I didn’t even like the Chaolena ship but the way it went down (before Tower of Dawn) was so cringey. I was put off by how Rowan showed up in Queen of Shadows and starts stomping all over Aedion, even though Aedion is her family and has lived literally his entire life dedicated to her (I felt really sorry for Aedion in QoS ok??) Basically, the vibe I was getting was that no one was of any real importance except for Rowan anymore and it made their romantic relationship just be too much for me to handle (it didn’t help that my salty ass was still holding out hardcore for a Doraelin end game but we won’t talk about that). The re-read I just did helped a LOT with this. Normally once I’m given time to accept something in a series (and two years is a nice long time to accept it) I can come to terms with things nicely and end up enjoying it, or at least take it for what it is. It’s just that if something doesn’t happen the way I expect it to, there’s a bit of a rough adjustment period. This adjustment has definitely happened. This time, I read Heir of Fire looking for hints at a romantic pairing and I found them. I still don’t entirely have completely positive feelings for the way the two of them behave as a couple through the later two books (particularly QoS) and I don’t think that will ever really go away, but like I said, this is just a pet peeve of mine with Sarah’s writing in general. It’s not enough to make me seriously dislike them. And I have to say. . .I felt that this little issue was cleared up entirely in Kingdom of Ash.

Aelin had been through so much by that point that she just really needed one solid person to be 100% there for her, in any way that she needed. That was what I felt Rowan’s role was in Kingdom of Ash. For all the talk of him being “the most powerful purebred Fae male in all the history of the world blah blah blah whatever”, I felt that his role as Aelin’s supporter far outshone any kind of magical ability or battle skill he brought to the table. Sure, he fought in battles and used his magic, and shape-shifted and it was really impressive, but the scenes that were standout for me were the scenes were he was comforting Aelin, or calming Aelin, or reassuring her, or anything like that. In all the turmoil that she was facing in so many directions, Rowan was a constant and steady rock throughout all of it. Sometimes I even started feeling like he was MY link to sanity. The problems they were facing would start to seem so overwhelming and hopeless and Rowan would be there to lean on in whatever way we needed. He acknowledged that he knew she was tired and that what she had gone through and what was being asked of her wasn’t fair. But at the same time, he constantly drew on the strength of her heart, her heart of wildfire that he knew would never fail her (which was pretty much exactly what it ended up coming down to. . .look at Rowan, making me emotional!!!). He always seemed to know exactly what to do or say and never stifled her. She was always making her own decisions, even ones that would seriously affect the outcome of a lot of really important things, but were still hers to make on her own. I remember one thing that comforted me immensely was when she reminded him that they still had her sacrifice to face at the end of all of this, and he told her that when that time came, they would face it together, as one soul in two bodies. Normally I am SO not about this literal “I die when you die” (looking at you, Feysand) but I’ll admit. . .in this instance, I was like Yes, thank you, her and I both needed to hear that. The thought of her facing that alone was so overwhelming, depressing, and scary. He had already been alive for so long and he didn’t have any real commitments like children or a kingdom or whatever. I know it sounds really really morbid to be thinking this way and I acknowledge that this is kind of fucked up, but I loved that he just viewed it as, “It’s nothing to be afraid of because if it does come down to that, I’ll go and go with you. We won’t be separated no matter what”. Like I said, she had gone through so much at that point that I was like. . .yes, give her this.

Basically, I just want to give it up to Rowan for being such a solid calming presence and force throughout this entire book. So much was being thrown at them, but he never balked even once. I never felt like he was part of some obnoxious comparison, like his actions were being showcased to display how shitty someone else was being. Whatever came at them, he would always take it, no matter how overwhelming, for Aelin. He was exactly what she needed throughout this entire experience. Round of applause for you, Rowan.

(The only thing that mildly disappointed me about Rowan was the whole “I actually never loved Lyria as much as I said I did, I really wanted it to be YOU who was my mate the whole time.” Like. 1) I don’t buy that. He loved Lyria and the death of her and their child destroyed him. And 2) If you want to think that, go ahead and think that, but saying it out loud like that is not fair to that poor girl. She was literally set up to be a pawn in Maeve’s shitty little morbid games with you and Aelin. The least you can do is give her and her memory the respect she deserves. But it’s Sarah. I have to expect that SOME things like this are going to happen. Overall it still didn’t affect the way I felt about him).

Aelin herself. . .I can’t even fully begin to describe my feelings on Aelin in this book, and in this entire series. Like I said, I had some gripes on the way some of her ships were dealt with, but overall, she is, and still remains, one of the characters that means the most to me out of every series I’ve read. I honestly draw so much courage and strength from her, as corny as that may sound. I went into this book not really knowing what to expect with her. We knew she was in a really bad situation, but. . .I was not prepared for just how bad it was going to be.

Reading Aelin’s torture scenes were honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever read in my entire life. I had to start skimming some of the worst parts because I was getting nauseous. I am not a person with a high tolerance for pain. . .I am the classic “stub my toe and cry” kind of girl. So reading those scenes with Cairn. . .my little brain could not comprehend what she was going through. I was in hysterics with pretty much every one. I kept thinking “this is the worst one, it can’t get any worse than this”, and then it inevitably would. (Although I still kind of think the winner for that goes to the scene with the glass. . .I seriously can’t even picture that, I start to crawl out of my skin). Aelin is a character who is so strong and tough, that when she breaks down and cries, it kills me (kind of like Manon). The scene where she’s crying in the box after some horrific torture scene, and she has that vision of her mother, who tells her, “You’ve been very brave, for so very long. . .But you must be brave a little while longer, my Fireheart.”

That scene just absolutely killed me. I think about myself, when I’ve had a long day at work, and just feel so beaten down and put-upon by the world, when nothing seems to be going right and even though I’m well into my twenties, all I want is my mom. I want her there to listen, to let me lean on her a little, in the way good moms do. Having Evalin appear to Aelin in that moment, when she’s going through all of that really really got me. And then of course, it leads to that surge of power that Rowan and the others feel, that points them to her.

It filled him with sound, with fire and light. As if it screamed, again and again, I am alive, I am alive, I am alive.

The dumbest thing that Maeve could have done was to move her. As soon as she said she was doing that, I knew she was making a fatal mistake. The level of cruel irony though, in the fact that Aelin heard about the Valg mask Maeve was supposedly going to get and tried to provoke Cairn into going too far and killing her, when the Crew had concocted this story to draw Maeve away was almost too much for me to handle.

I have slightly mixed feelings about her rescue scene. I do kind of like that she played a big part in saving herself, because she is nothing if not strong and capable. However. . .Aelin was so convinced that no one was coming for her and had given so much for so long that I kind of wanted to see everyone prove her wrong. The dramatic side of me wanted a dramatic rescue scene. Also, if Maeve didn’t want her to have any chance of escaping, she shouldn’t have had the healers stop her muscles from atrophying. I know she wanted her strong to be her weapon, but that just seems like too much of a risk while she’s in captivity. If the healers can do that creepy shit with her skin where all her scars are gone, I’m sure they could have fixed her muscles in the exact moment Maeve needed them to.

I don’t know who was more hysterical in the “Take it off” scene. . .Aelin or me.

I felt the loss of her scars deeply!!! I was kind of surprised at how much. I don’t think that’s really weird because I think she did too. Yes, most of them signified horrible things that she went through, but they were a part of her. They showed that she was a survivor. The whole thing with the tattoos Rowan put on her over her whipping scars, and the promise thing on her hand to Nehemia. . .there was so much emotion and a story behind so many of them. It was extremely strange to think of her without them. The PTSD aside, I don’t blame her for not feeling like herself for a while.

Ultimately, I feel like in this book, Aelin became the perfect balance of herself. Watching her come back into herself, and become this wise, powerful, humble, strong queen was incredible. She’s learned to rely more on others and has both softened and hardened around the edges. She’s always been amazing and strong, but in this book I really felt like I was reading about a rightful and deserving queen of an entire nation. She’ll always have self-sacrificing tendencies, because that’s just who she is (I think it’s like a cardinal rule that main protagonists have to have this problem), but I really enjoyed seeing her express how grateful she was for everyone who played a part in their journey.

Going into this, I didn’t even begin to try and guess how the whole “The Queen Who Was Promised” thing would be resolved. The only thing I was 10000000000% confident on was the fact that Aelin was not going to actually die in this book. I had no fear regarding that. Now, that doesn’t mean I didn’t think a lot of awful and heartbreaking shit was going to go down before we got there (And boy, did it). I had no better solution to offer to fix the problem of Brannon/Mala’s descendent having to offer their life. I didn’t think it would be some dumb loophole like Dorian’s brother (wtf happened to him anyway??), but I couldn’t think of anything else. I know Aelin kind of took it upon herself to be her problem (which she tends to do) but I really agreed with Dorian whenever he pointed out that it was just as much his burden as it was hers. . .at least by the point they were at. I obviously love Dorian, so I didn’t WANT it to be, but you couldn’t really argue his logic. When they came up with the idea of both of them going to forge the Lock, so probably/maybe/hopefully it would only need to take half of each of them, I was like. . .It’s too easy. Something else has to go wrong.

What I can tell you I NEVER would have guessed is the freaking King of Adarlan popping up out of nowhere.

LOL when he was like “Let me do this. Let me finish this.” I was like YEP, SURE, TAKE IT, BYE. COME ON GUYS, LET’S GO. But of course Aelin has to question it. If it were me I’d be like Sounds awesome, see ya!!!!!!!!!!

And then he’s all “Nameless is my price. . .EXACTLY kids, what’s my name???” and I’m like

Wasn’t this. . .a fandom joke??? This is really what’s happening??? I mean sure, okay, I’m glad it’s not one of them but I seriously can not believe this is where we’re going with this. I always thought the fact that he didn’t have a name made him ten times creepier. I didn’t think it actually meant anything, I just thought it was for dramatic effect. . .the King of Hybern in ACOTAR doesn’t have one either.

But okay, here’s the problem I have with this. While this is all fine and dandy that he’s actually a decent caring person who’s just been possessed this whole time and wants to help them. . .he’s already dead. How does this count?? I thought this whole thing was that someone had to sacrifice their life. He just pops up as a dead spirit and volunteers for it to be him. Like dude, I appreciate the gesture, but why would this be considered the same thing as Aelin or Dorian or even freaking Hollin doing it?? I swear, I’ve wracked my brains over this forever and still can’t make sense of it.

The one thing I was honestly bummed about with this scene was the fact that Aelin never got to see any of her beloved dead. I thought when this Lock forging business was going on, we were going to get a scene like in Deathly Hallows, where Aelin somehow gets to see the people she loves who have died. I thought she was going to see her parents and Nehemia and Sam and they’d tell her they loved her but she had to go back because her life wasn’t over yet. It’s probably good that that didn’t happen. The little message the King gave her was bad enough. This probably would have been too much for me to handle.

Ok, now first of all fuck all of these gods. Good riddance to all of them. I know what Elena did was a giant mistake, but her intentions were good and completely obliterating her like that so her loved ones would never see her in the Afterlife is really harsh. Although I found it kind of hilarious that after ALL THAT STRIFE to get to the damn point where we were at, which had the end goal ALL ALONG of getting Erawan banished, Aelin decided to bargain for Elena’s soul instead, I still thought Elena deserved some forgiveness and a reprieve. So when the gods went all

evaporated her anyway AND left without taking Erawan I was like

GOOD RIDDANCE TO ALL OF THEM. And man, poor Elena. Poor Gavin. They really got a raw deal for their ending.

After this, she gets saved last minute by Mala because of what she tried to do for Elena. Awesome. But part of me is like. . .if there was a way for this to be possible all along, why didn’t we just do this in the first place, Mala??? You think this girl who has already suffered so much deserved to die for this?? You couldn’t have thrown her a bone a little earlier?? It all worked out, so whatever, I guess. And I loved how there was that emphasis placed on her heart leading her back home, how it connected to her mom saying her heart would always be the strongest part of her, no matter what. That one got me right in the emotions.

And then Aelin gets sent hurtling on her little inner-dimension joyride and WHO DOES SHE COME ACROSS???????!!!?? RHYS AND FEYRE ARE IN THRONE OF GLASS NOW, ARE THEY SARAH!?!!!?! HEAVILY PREGNANT FEYRE IS IN THRONE OF GLASS, IS SHE?!?!??!!?!

I had a mild aneurysm reading this scene. I know most of you did too.

(Have to take a second and remark over the fact that even as Aelin is in high distress, being thrown through multiple worlds and dimensions, she pauses and remarks over how Rhys is “beautiful beyond reason”. . .classic Sarah. She literally can’t even help herself).

I think it was fitting that what Aelin ended up sacrificing and losing was her Firebringer gift. That was honestly just too much power for one person to handle and I feel like it would have continued to cause more problems that it solved, especially with her being immortal. Look how far Maeve went to gain control over her and use her as a weapon. I’m sure many others would attempt the same thing over the course of her immortal life.

And as far as her losing the human side of her goes. . .to me, that was more of a symbolic loss than one that physically hurt and we felt the absence of. When was the last time she even assumed her human form? I already thought of her as pretty much completely fae at this point, so it wasn’t something I felt a gaping loss over. I get the symbolism behind it though, and understand that Aelin probably feels it way more than I do.

I loved the happy ending that Aelin got. I loved seeing her charge into Orynth on the Lord of the North. I loved that she faced Erawan and Maeve without her Firebringer gift and still came out on top (it was so reminiscent of Book 1 Aelin, who I fell in love with). I loved that she gained the support of the lords because they’re softies for Evangeline like everyone else in the world is. I loved seeing her finally be crowned Queen of Terrasen. I sobbed throughout her entire coronation. You know what else I absolutely wept through?????

She felt as if she had been crying without end for minutes now.

Yet this parting, this final farewell. . .

Aelin looked at Chaol and Dorian and sobbed. Opened her arms to them, and wept as they held each other.

“I love you both,” she whispered. “And no matter what may happen, no matter how far we may be, that will never change.”

“We’ll see you again,” Chaol said, but even his voice was thick with tears.

“Together,” Dorian breathed, shaking. “We’ll rebuild this world together.”

She couldn’t stand it, this ache in her chest. But she made herself pull away and smile at their tear-streaked faces, a hand on her heart. “Thank you for all you have done for me.”

If there’s one thing that gets me in a series, it’s nostalgia for earlier books. Seeing the three of them standing here like this, after all the pain all of them went through, looking at where they are now and how much they all love each other. . .I could not handle my emotions.

I guess there’s really not much else to talk about. I know there will be little things that I think of here and there, probably for a long long time. . .like I said, there was SO MUCH in this book that consuming it all was overwhelming. As much as there was, like always with the end of a series, somehow it wasn’t enough. I still want to read about Aelin’s long-awaited rule over Terrasen, how Dorian and Manon heal from their losses, find inner peace, and take their place as leaders. I want to know about Fenrys and what his future holds, how Evangeline grows up and becomes a force to be reckoned with, about Chaol and Yrene’s baby, and Lorcan and Elide, and every wonderful person I’ve come to know in this series. This characters have come to mean so much to me and will always hold an extremely special place in my heart. I’m so grateful to have gotten to meet them through these books and am so proud of the people they have all become. They lit up my darkness in a time that I needed it.

So I’ll dry my tears. And I’ll be grateful.

Until we meet again xx.

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