#I watched the ep a second time now and feel better about his death

[aucoba]

Izzy's death is fucking sad and so meaningful to me at the same time. we won't see him take care oh his guys or of him self anymore yes, but that doesn't mean his death is meaningless : he gets proper closure with Blackbeard, his last words are him voicing out the peace he gained during this season, he goes away proving what he did before was wrong, embracing the love and support of the community he finally treated well and took care of rather than try to end.

Izzy was a living nightmare and lived beautifully. I am sad to see him gone and I will never regret knowing him or having to say goodbye.

[chaiifluuf]

•°. *࿐ What if all i need is you? — d. osamu

synopsis. after going underground for the time being to leave the port mafia, yours and dazai’s friendship starts to feel like something else

content. gn!reader, spoilers for the dark era/season 2 ep 4, lowercase, comfort, fluff, hcs + one-shot, clingy dazai, lowkey bad writing??

notes. i don’t think i’ve ever been this nervous about posting something ( ; ω ; ), anyways first post and first time attempting to actually write smth so this most likely has grammatical mistakes…

dazai who, after witnessing his best friend’s death, arrived at your doorstep at midnight and without a second thought asked you to run away with him.

dazai who tells you everything that happened and why he is willing to make a change, hoping you will come along with him.

dazai who is deep down desperate for your comfort and touch, your soothing words that somehow always manage to find a way to his heart.

dazai who at one point couldn’t hold it together anymore and spends many nights silently crying into your shoulder, for the first time allowing himself to be vulnerable around you.

dazai who believes he will never be quite enough to deserve your endless amount of care and affection.

dazai who was able to have a full night of near peaceful sleep in a while, all thanks to your warmth and mere presence next to him.

dazai who realises how much you truly matter to him, how he can’t ignore the warm feeling in his chest whenever he sees you, how his body craves for you.

dazai who slowly starts to think that maybe with you he can do this and become the better person who odasaku wished him to be.

the full moon was shining brightly tonight, slightly peeking through the curtains of your shared apartment. the weather is calm, only a soft breeze passing by at times. it’s almost been half a year now since you and dazai went underground and it’s been quiet to say the least. with some help from ango, you were able to find a small temporary apartment in the suburbs, away from the main city.

the first few weeks after agreeing to go with him were rather rough. dazai was uncharacteristically quiet most of the time, his eyes seeming even duller and more distant than usually. it was clear to you how much odasaku’s death had really affected him and you can’t blame him. the best you could do was to tell him it was going to be okay and be there for him in any way needed, a reminder that you’re here to stay.

Another thing you weren’t used to was how clingy he would become.

despite the two of you not being in a relationship, it was almost unreal how touchy you got with each other. Sleeping and basking in each other’s warmth, the lingering touches when the other had to go elsewhere, the small caresses were like a second language for him at this point. and it never made you uncomfortable.

as of now you are finishing watching a film, one that has been sitting in your watchlist for a while now. the ending of it left you a little disappointed but overall it was more than enough to cure your boredom. with a soft sigh, you turn the tv off and place the remote control away.

your gaze drifts down to your chest, a view of familiar brown and soft hair snuggled up to you. he has been practically in the same position for the whole duration you watched the film, a pair of arms securely wrapped around your waist and his head resting against your chest. it's a serene sight.

judging by his steady heartbeat and slow breaths, he seems to be asleep. which is rather rare since the only time he gets actual sleep is late at night if even that. you briefly check your phone and it's barely ten pm. your hand finds itself in his hair, gently brushing through it as you untangle a few knots. it really was beyond your understanding of how soft it is. if you could spend your whole day just caressing his hair you would.

you can’t help but take notice of his features when you brush some of his bangs to the side. he looked absolutely ethereal and it made your heart beat faster without you realising it. you wish he could see himself the way you do. but then again he has said the same thing about you so that’s that. you will never get tired of his peaceful state though, looking as if there is not a single worry on his mind.

more often than you would like to admit, you wonder what you two are. up until running away, you were just close friends with him, friends who got along well. sure there was the typical dazai flirting and petnames here and there but you didn’t think they meant anything further than that. however, overtime you can’t deny the fact you might just have fallen for him.

but now you don’t know. do friends hold each other so intimately? do friends make most of your meals because they know you won’t eat anything else? does a friend look at you so longingly, even if it’s for a split second? and once you ponder about that, you start doubting if he feels the same. what if he doesn’t see you like that? what if he’ll get bored of you eventually? what if—

a small movement from dazai was enough to snap you out of your thoughts. he slightly shifted his position, letting out a faint exhale afterwards.

“‘samu?” you murmur as you stare at him for a little, expecting him to wake up but to your surprise he’s still in his slumber.

there is a certain glint of softness in your eyes before you close them and lightly bury your face into his hair, breathing in the familiar scent of his shampoo. despite your calm breaths, your mind was still running.

“…i love you.” your voice was barely audible. for whatever reason, you felt the need to say it, the very same three words that have plagued your thoughts for a while now. you know he didn’t hear it but at least that’s what made it easier to say. maybe one day you’ll finally let go of all your doubts and fears and confess to him, telling him how much he really means to you.

“you do?”

your heart drops. for a second you wondered if you really heard that or not. there was no way.

“what?” you respond quietly, almost in disbelief. dazai turns his head to get a better look at you as well as move a little closer. his eyes were half open but you can still see the glint of playfulness in them. a faint smirk was on his face. this man… is this supposed to mean that this whole time he was only pretending to be asleep?!

“you love me?” he repeated his question, a bit of teasing evident in his tone. god you wanted to smack that smug smile off his face. perhaps you should have never opened your mouth in the first place.

“ah, i just… i mean…” your words trailed off as your heart started to speed up. suddenly you didn’t know what to say but if he really heard your words earlier then the answer must be obvious. you’re sure you look flustered right now and you can’t even hide it from him since he’s right in front of you.

however, what he did next made your world freeze in time.

without a warning dazai slowly closed the distance and softly touched your lips with his. having you so distracted that you didn’t even notice when he moved his hand to the back your head.

the kiss lasted for about three seconds but it sure felt like an eternity. his lips were much softer than you thought, despite you not having enough time to fully react to the kiss. for a moment you can’t help but question if this was real or another dream you were about to wake up from.

his face still stayed close, his lips slightly parted as his warm breath hit your skin. “i think i love you too y’know..” he mumbled while gently caressing the corner of your jaw. his voice seemed more sincere when he said that.

and just like that all of you anxieties disappeared. you don’t what came over you but what you do know is that you captured his lips with yours once again. only this time you felt the need to go deeper, like you couldn’t get enough of him.

dazai welcomed your initiative warmly, letting out a quiet hum as you kissed him once again. you had no idea kissing someone could feel this good. you swear you can feel him smiling against your lips at some point and it makes your heart skip a beat. your hands wander through his hair, holding him close as your body relaxes.

you guessed all those times he bragged about being a good kisser turned out to be true after all.

when the two of you part to take a moment to breathe, he takes the chance to tease you again. “i’m still waiting for an answer to my question, bella.” he says softly.

yeah, this was definitely real.

thank you so much if you made it this far !<3 literally need to stop rereading this because it gets worse every time i do help

[littlespoonevan]

left half my heart in our living room

that episode did severe emotional damage to my psyche and then i turned on grow by sigrid and proceeded to make it worse :) i don’t know what this is i just needed to write some words because buck and eddie said So Many words in this ep and i felt all of them 💔

spoilers for 6x15

-

I feel like she sees me.

The sentence sticks in Eddie’s head. Niggling at the base of his skull like an itch that won’t go away.

“You’re quiet,” Buck says when they’re on the way home from the cemetery and it’s around that moment that Eddie realises he hasn’t said anything since they got in the jeep. Too consumed by their conversation from before.

I feel like she sees me.

He looks over at Buck now, one hand on the steering wheel, one resting on his lap, and he looks…comfortable, on first glance. But then Eddie notes the tense set of his shoulders and the way he seems to be staring at the road a little too hard, like he’s purposefully trying not to look in Eddie’s direction.

For one bitter moment, Eddie wonders if Natalia would notice those things but he shakes the thought away. He shouldn’t put this on her. She only knows what Buck’s told her.

“Do you really believe that?” he asks finally, voice quiet and a little bit too tentative. “That she sees you better than-“ me “-than any of us?”

Buck’s mouth parts and it’s clear he hadn’t expected the question. Eddie watches him while he works himself up to an answer – the way he shifts in his seat, the way his eyes dart to the rearview mirror instead of Eddie himself, the careful intake of breath before he finally decides to speak.

“I mean, it’s different,” is what Buck settles on. “Her perception of death and how it affects you, it’s-“

“Because none of us have ever had any experience with death,” Eddie can’t help cutting in.

“Eddie,” Buck sighs and it sounds like please.

“Chimney’s heart stopped last year,” Eddie says. “And when I got-“

“She doesn’t look at me like I’m a ghost, alright?” Buck says, sharp and slicing through Eddie’s intended comment about his own brush with death.

The words make him stop short. He clenches and unclenches his fists in his lap as he digests them. "What d’you mean?”

Buck sighs again and it seems more upset than before. “Maddie, Bobby, you- you all look at me like…like you’re not even sure I’m really here. Like I’m gonna disappear at any minute. You think I don’t see it but I do.”

“Because you died, Buck,” Eddie exclaims, frustrated and weary and more vulnerable than he’d planned on letting himself be. “You died. And for three minutes and seventeen seconds I thought I was going to have to live in this world without you and I didn’t want to.”

That makes Buck clap his mouth shut and he doesn’t say anything else but Eddie can see the tears gathering at the corners of his eyes. The car stops abruptly then and he takes stock of his surroundings for the first time since they got in the jeep. They’re outside his house now.

He takes a measured breath and unclips his seatbelt, shooting a wary look in Buck’s direction. His hands are still gripping the steering wheel and he’s staring straight out the windscreen but he cut off the engine, at least.

“Come inside,” Eddie requests softly, climbing out of the jeep and not waiting to see if Buck follows.

He lets himself into the house and hears the slam of Buck’s car door as he’s dropping his keys on the side table. He hesitates when he gets to the living room, unsure whether he should keep travelling to the kitchen or just drop down on the couch and bury his head in his hands.

Buck comes inside before he can decide, the click of the door soft as he closes it behind himself.

“You looked at me like that too,” Eddie says without turning around. It’s easier saying it without Buck looking at him, even though he can feel Buck’s stare like a brand on his back. “After the well. And- and the shooting. I remember.”

“I’m used to losing people,” Buck says after a beat. “The fact that I got to keep you felt like a trick somehow. Like if I looked away for too long you’d be gone again.”

Eddie huffs a humourless laugh, feeling tears sting behind his eyes. He finally turns, finding Buck standing in the entryway. He gives Eddie a helpless shrug when their eyes meet.

“And I’m not allowed to feel like that?”

“You are,” Buck insists, body shifting like he’s about to charge forward but in the end he only takes one step. “I just don’t know what to do with it.”

“Why not?” Eddie asks and they’re teetering dangerously close to a conversation they’ve never let themselves have before but he doesn’t know how to stop pushing either.

Buck answers anyway.

“Because if I think about how much you see me – how much I let you see without you even asking – I feel terrified. Because I’ve spent years trying to get you to let me all the way in but it’s really fucking scary to imagine me doing the same thing. To believe that you’d even want that.”

Eddie works his jaw, swallowing against the heaving ache in his chest. He gets it, is the thing. No matter how much they’ve taken care of each other, no matter how much they’ve acted as one another’s soft place to land, there’s still a voice in the back of his head that says, you’re being a burden. Stop it.

“I don’t care if you want to start dating again-“ Lie. That’s a lie. “-but don’t- don’t say-“

As if sensing he can’t actually get the words out, Buck immediately starts shaking his head. “I won’t,” he says. “I won’t. I’m sorry.”

Eddie nods, clears his throat, and glances between the couch and the dining room. He doesn’t know what to do now, doesn’t know how they go back to having a casual beer, but before he can come up with something to say to break the tension Buck is stepping forward, crowding into his space and folding him into a hug.

I don’t remember the last time we did this, Eddie thinks even as his muscle memory reacts. His arms come up around Buck, one hand gripping his shoulder while the other wraps around his waist. Buck’s face burrows into his shoulder and Eddie only hesitates for half a second before he presses his temple against the exposed line of Buck’s neck and breathes him in.

“I’m not gonna disappear,” Buck whispers and, ridiculously, it makes fresh tears spring behind Eddie’s eyelids.

“Me either,” he replies and Buck’s arms tighten around him in response.

And he thinks they’re at an impasse now, a sort of crossroads they can’t turn back from but aren’t able to move forward from yet either.

If this is where they have to stay for now, he thinks he might be okay with that.

[saucymalum]

What's This? (Consequences of my Actions) W.S

Wilbur Soot x Gn! reader (they/them pronouns)

Warning: Angst, Enemies to lovers, mentions of past death, y/n being dumb, miscommunication.

Summary: Bro idk figure it out.

Word Count: 2.6k

I always knew he hated me. He didn’t hide it. He didn’t like that I was “Invading” his friend group. That I was getting along with them. He didn’t like me. It infuriated me how he acted like he was better than me. All I wanted was to be his friend and he didn't give me a chance. I couldn't understand how he could hate me for no reason. So I gave him a reason.

 I tried to annoy him everytime I could. He didn’t want me at a party so badly he would text me to not come and I’d arrive early with baked goods. He didn’t like me tweeting about his band so much that he’d intentionally be the only member not following me? I tagged them all in every tweet. I became his hell. Did I hate him? No. But I hated that he treated me like he was better. Like I was insignificant. 

To the fans, I was their biggest fan. I’d cover their newest songs on my Instagram story and take pictures in their merch. Some thought I was even dating one of them, which was almost laughable. I truly loved them all. The party's welcoming environment they created pulled me in as Wilbur stood in the corner. His dark brown eyes look almost black in this light as he watches my every move. Watching me talk to everybody while he tries to keep up the small talk and savors his beer. His eyes left a burning trail down my skin. It became a game for me, how far I could push him.

I’d try to ask him questions in conversations, simply because I knew he didn’t want to talk to me. And that's when my plans started to crumble. I liked the guy. I thought he was fucking funny. Being antagonizing was so much easier when I didn’t know him. I wanted to be the asshole's friend. I kept trying to keep up my game, but I failed every time unless it was social media. It’s easy to fake things there. So I did.

I ignored my emotions, my guilt, and the rising feeling that I refused to acknowledge. I posted pictures of myself at their concerts; I posted their songs on my story. I was a good friend, but I avoided Wilbur. And at the end of the day, it didn't matter much to him if I showed up to the parties. I saw the glares he’d given me that made me want to laugh in his face. I missed not knowing him.

I started showing up early at parties and sneaking out early. I’d avoid Will even if I felt his eyes burn me. It seemed fine until he caught on. 

I sat at their EP release celebration, an hour in, and I zoned out and stared at a wall. People passed by and I sat drinking my now warm beverage. Blurs of people, laughing, smiling, dancing, pass around me. I can't believe I did this to myself. 

The seat beside me dips and I look to see Phil looking expectantly at me. One eyebrow raised slightly and his blonde hair messed up a bit.

"What's wrong?"

"What makes you think something's wrong?" I laugh nervously.

He sits there, giving no answer, knowing I'll break. And I do. 

I spilled everything, beginning to now. Frustration pours out every word as the temperature in the room seems to rise. I don't want to be here anymore.

Phil sighs and I feel shame replacing my relief.

"Why would you do this to yourself Y/N?"

"I DIDN'T WANT THIS! I JUST WANTED THE STUPID LITTLE PRICK TO BE HUMBLED. Or at least annoyed enough to stop being a dick." my breaths shake for a second "In no universe was THIS my plan. "

I fall into the back of the couch. "What do I do?" 

"Talk to him."

I groan, "I forgot you're a 'communication is key' person" 

Phil lightly shoves me, "So are you until you get scared and run away. You can't run away this time. Avoiding him means avoiding us and you know that." 

“I know.” 

“So what do you think you need to do?” He asks softly.

I take in a deep breath and straighten my back. My eyes find Wilbur chatting up some girl in the corner. I let my feet guide me to him and without a word, too scared to speak, I grab his jacket and pull him out onto the back porch.

“What the Fuck, Y/N?”

“What is your problem with me? You refuse to talk to me, You hate my presence, and you constantly make an effort to show me you think I'm less than you. Why?”

“Maybe because you do shit like you just did without thinking about how it’d affect me.”

I scoff, “What a cop-out. You’ve hated me from the beginning. I want you to tell me why.”

He creeps further into my personal space. His height becomes increasingly harder to ignore when he looms over me. His breath fans over my face, and I want to cringe at the warmth.

“Has it ever occurred to you in your self-centered little head that not everyone likes you? You’re not some god or goddess Y/n. You grate my veins and you enjoy it. You TRIED to annoy me and you’re confused why I don’t like you? How into yourself can you be?”

Electricity pricks at my skin and the back of my eyes burn, “Don’t act like you didn’t hate me from the get-go Wilbur. I know what it feels like to be disliked.”

“Then why does it bother you so much if I don't like you? Huh? Sweet little Y/N just wants to be loved and cherished by everyone, isn't that right?” My breath shakes as the back of his hand brushes against my cheek. “Well, life doesn’t work like that. Some people will hate your grating voice and some people can't STAND your GODDAWFUL laugh. So get over it and be a fucking adult about it. Stop being a little baby.” 

WARNING: description of a panic attack, stay safe and skip to the end of the trigger warning <3

He steps back and I quickly escape the cold night that suffocates me. My throat closes in on itself and my eyes water. I can’t breathe, I can’t BREATHE. I try to drag in breaths, but the effort is beyond fruitless. Through my watery eyes and past the blur and dizziness, I walk to the bathroom. I need to escape. I need to GET OUT. Everyone hates me, such a stupid baby who can’t even handle a man not liking them. How pathetic can you get? Everyone's eyes are on me. They’re laughing at me, aren’t they? I bet they are. The bathroom door’s soft close sounds like a thunderclap in my ears but that thunderclap is the most comfort I have felt since Phil and my conversation ended. My ears are ringing. I don’t know what to do. 

I sink to the floor, and my back hits the cold tile, shocking my skin through my thin shirt. I've prepared for this. Ok, just find something you can smell. Ok, I can do that. My mind wanders into my negative talk, but quickly it snaps to the smell of the Febreze air freshener going off. 

Good, good. One down, four more to go. I can see the design in the ceiling, that's another. 

My lungs slowly feel less pressure on them. Not a semi-truck but maybe a minivan. I can hear yelling outside the door, maybe someone knocking. It's so hard to hear when I feel like I'm underwater. 

I can feel the tile under my fingertips, the cold feels nice against my skin, the hot trails that the tears leave sting and I almost want to press my face into the floor to cool them. 

The sweet drink still lingers on my tongue. Good, I got all five. Now breathe. It's so hard when the hiccups interrupt but I practice these exercises daily. 

The weight on my chest slowly releases and the tears go dry. I'm left exhausted. I want to go home. The room goes steady and I slowly stand on shaky legs.

I avoid the mirror as I cool my hands in the water flowing in the sink and press them to my cheeks.

WARNING OVER: Stay safe, love.

The yelling outside gets clearer when I open the door, the house has been cleared away of any guests and the pounding of my heart gets louder. Phil stands in front of Wilbur yelling at him, words I barely have the energy to decipher. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you right now, Wilbur? You are a grown-ass man. What the hell would possess you to think talking to someone like that was ok?” Kristin stands next to Phil. She shoots a disappointed look at Wilbur, but he ducks away. 

“Oh don’t give me the disappointed parent act.” He scoffs.

Wilbur walks over to the couch, closer to me, and I press my back closer to the bathroom door that I closed.

Phil chases after him, “Well, if you didn’t act so immature, maybe I wouldn’t have to Will! What were you thinking!? You barely know her and you already decided to chase her away?”

“If she didn’t want me to hate her maybe she could have tried to not do everything I hate on purpose.”

“You gave them a panic attack! Nothing they did made them deserve that. We just want you to explain. Can you please just let us understand?”

Wilbur pauses putting on his jacket and sighs, “I’m scared, ok?” 

“Of what?” 

“Phil, they remind me of Lacy, and I can’t get hurt like that again.” He turns around and his eyes meet mine. Shock and remorse fill his eyes, but he brushes past me and bolts for the door.

I take a shaky breath in and look at Phil and Kristin. "Who’s Lacy?”

We sat in the living room of Phil and Kristin’s house as they tried to explain it in the most delicate way. But really, how can you explain to someone that they reminded a person they considered an enemy of their dead girlfriend? That they reminded someone they thought hated them of someone they were in love with? I didn't think I could cry anymore. I was wrong. I reminded Wilbur of a love that was ripped away from him. I hurt him by being around him.

I wanted to be mad at him. Hurt him for punishing me for something I had no part in but I couldn't. 

I just wanted to go home and never leave.

And that's what I did. I stayed in bed, emotionally exhausted and numb. My self-destruction hit me like a brick, canceling my therapy appointment for the next day and turning my phone to do not disturb.

Wilbur POV:

No one had heard from Y/N in almost a week. Seeing their face when I left made me feel like I swallowed a brick. A part of me felt glad that finally, FINALLY, they would feel just a sliver of what they've made me feel for months.

But the guilt…the guilt at that thought overwhelmed my brain quickly after. What kind of person would that make me to want someone to hurt the way I have? Even if it was someone who hurt that doesn't make it ok. 

This guilt led me straight to Y/N's front door. My hand hovered over the door. What was my plan when I got here? I don't think I even gave myself time to make one. 

Before I could attempt to knock on the door, it swung open with the image of Y/N's dark-circled eyes staring shocked at me. 

"Oh Jesus!" they exclaim and hide behind the door a bit. The wrinkles in the pyjama shirt clinging to parts of their body. A small smile creeps into the corner of my mouth at seeing them again. To see that they were at least still alive and kicking.

"I'm so sorry to just show up like this!" I step away from the door, giving them some space. "I want to check in."

Their bottom lip moves between their teeth as they chew at the loose skin. A mental debate wars on behind their eyes, no doubt wondering who asked me to come here.

"Who blackmailed you?" they ask.

A hesitant silence floats between us as I wonder if it'd be wrong to tell the truth.

A sigh passes my lips. "I felt bad."

Their eyes quickly widen again as they forget the effort to hide themself behind the door. They rush the 2 feet to me and place a hand on my arm.

"No! No, you have nothing to be sorry for! I was a goddamn asshole, Wilbur! Why didn't you slap me earlier? I was so arrogant and antagonistic towards you. I can't believe it. You did nothing but try to avoid me because you were hurting and I made it ten times harder."

"Y/N, I said horrible things to you. I felt like a villain. I never want to feel like that again. I am so sorry for talking to you like that." My shoulders sink in a subconscious effort to get down to their level. To look they straight in the eyes. To maybe show them all the emotions that I felt the moment I left Phil's house."

Y/N sighs and releases my arm from their grip. They step out of the doorway, a silent invitation. Luckily, I'm not a vampire.

"Will, what you said was true. I can't fault you for saying the truth."

How could they think that? That anything I said was true, calling them such stupid names in order to belittle them and make them feel small? What have I done?

“Nothing, and I mean nothing, I said to you was true. Yes, I was hurt and yes how you treated me didn’t help but none of it was true and keep telling you otherwise until you believe.”

They look away from my eyes to the ground, “Well, that's gonna take a while since I thought all of those things about myself long before you told me.” 

A sour feeling rises in my stomach. Everything in me wants to protect them.

“Well, I’ll be here every time you doubt me.”

They scoff, “Like you’ll call me at 3 in the morning.”

“Who says I won’t” I shrug.

Their eyes glaze over with tears as they look hopefully into mine, “This isn’t how I wanted things to go, you know. I didn’t want us to hate each other.”

They turn away from me, busying themselves in front of their kettle. “I wanted to stop that stupid game months ago.” 

My eyebrows wrinkle quizzically, “Then why didn’t you?”

“I couldn’t admit to myself I had feelings for you.”

Their shoulders tense quickly and they spin around to me, “Not that I’m pressuring you at all, I swear. I just-I just had to let you know I didn’t want to hurt you like this.”

“But you did mean to hurt me?”

“I thought you saw me as less than you. I wanted to prove you wrong. Now I know I was the one in the wrong.”

“Y/N I thought you were amazing. I was stupid and thought if I avoided you I wouldn’t fall for you.” I step forward into their space, “I didn’t think I could handle it.”

“Did you?” 

The space between our bodies shrinks til we’re breathing the same air.

“Yes,” I whisper, my hand gravitating to their hip.

“And can you handle it?” 

“With you, I think I’ll be more than fine.”

[hooked-on-elvis]

MY EYES... MY TEARY EYES! 🥹

ABOUT ELVIS AND GLADYS' BOND. ♥

"Watching the snow reminded me of Elvis' mother. She used to say that if snowed in Memphis when Elvis was gone, she always went outside and gathered up enough in a pan to make snowballs for Elvis to see when he came back. She put them in the freezer of the refrigerator to keep. Elvis loved to see it snow at Graceland." Excerpts from "Elvis: This One's For You" by Arlene Cogan.

No wonder why EP missed his mother dearly. There's many types of moms but the Gladys type of mommy is a true blessing - the ones which heart's that almost burst while trying to make you feel their love for you. It's almost a physical need to pour love in their children every way they can. Towards their children, they have all love languages at once: words of encouragement, sound advice, physical touch/cuddles, actions… It's suffocating, but in a wonderful way. Gladys Love Presley was the sweetest mom anyone could wish for. EP was fortunate in many ways - starting from his family - but what a misfortune was to lose Gladys so early in his life. Love is a dangerous splendid thing anyway. It's best to have it and lose it than never being touched by it. Gladys' love for her son was bigger than life anyway. ♥ -- Note: The excerpt from that book reminded me this footage below, where Gladys is playing with the snow with Vernon (C. January, 1958). There's also another book that mentions her saving some snow so that Elvis could see it later when he came back home (i don't remember what book, unfortunately, but I've read this before).

Above, pictures takes in 1957, during "Loving You" movie production. Gladys actually appears on the big screen for a few seconds in this Presley early movie. EP dances next to her while singing "Got A Lot O' Livin' To Do" by the end of the movie… It's so cute!

Photo 5-13: March 23-24th, 1958

Elvis was about to be inducted in the US Army. The photos showing the Presley's alone were taken March 23rd, a day before Elvis' army induction day. On the actual induction day, on March 24th (pictures 11-13), there's footage where EP's hopping a bus together with other fellow guys, heading to the army camp to the beginning of the basic trainning and his 2-year epic journey as Private Presley in the U.S. Army. Gladys was visibly shaken and heartbroken to see her beloved son go away and the reason why. Some family members and friends said Gladys was terrified thinking about the horrors of World War II that she seriously feared for Elvis' life and well-being as a soldier. She never got over it, even though Elvis and everybody else tried to convince her nothing was going to happen, after all they were living at the Cold War period, therefore there wasn't reasonable reasons in being anxiously alarmed. Nothing seemed to comfort Gladys. We know she sadly passed away on August, 1958, a few months after Elvis was inducted in the army. Years later, EP would say to one of his intimate acquaintances "my mommy really worried to death." It's so sad... in a poetic way. IDK what I'm talking about right now… It's like she couldn't live without her little boy, literally. Gladys was so close to her son! The reciprocity is true. She was the only person EP trusted blindfolded, with all his heart, body, mind and soul. Gladys only had the best intentions for her son. She didn't care about the money or fame. She actually asked him many time if it wouldn't be better/safer if he gave up his career and just became a business man, a owner of some local company in Memphis/TN, got married, had his own family, and lived a nice, calm, Southern life. EP used to get upset with that "nonsense" talk, because he loved his career greatly and everything was working out just fine for him... he was in love with his music and his fans. He was born to be the King of Rock and Roll and he worked very hard for it every single day. It wasn't right to chicken up. He wouldn't give it up his career, even for his beloved mommy. Yet, Gladys couldn't help herself but to worry something bad could happen if she was not by his side 24/7. A typical loving mom behavior. Even when she acted overprotective like that and drove Elvis insane sometimes, it was all out of the purest heavenly true love... and he knew it.

Although she was uneasy most of the time, thinking about Elvis' well being, the constant travelling on the road all the time, having tabloids badmouthing him, a portion of American society threatening to put him in jail, crazy passionate fans scratching the hell out of him, trying to touch him to the point they'd tear his clothes off his body, even so Gladys supported Elvis' career and was by his side whatever he decided to do. He knew how blessed he was having her for his mother, and Elvis did his best to protect his mommy's heart - even by hiding some of the bad happenings in his life from her. He wouldn't let anything break her heart... even himself.

Yet, so soon the day came when she was gone. Elvis never ceased missing his mommy.

Shantay Perrish, a dedicated fan shared the following story: "We arrived about 7:00 pm that following evening and were shocked to see Elvis leaving on his Harley with a blue flower arrangement strapped to the rear. I quickly went to the guard house shack and asked Harold Lloyd, "Is that who I think it was?" Harold said, "Yes that was Elvis, but don't follow him." We waited there and he returned to Graceland within the hour. Earlier that day we had gone to pay our respect to his mother at Forest Hill, never thinking of Elvis possibly showing up. The next morning we again went to Forest Hill Cemetery and there on Gladys grave was the arrangement of blue flowers we had seen the night before on the motorcycle. Elvis had been to visit his mother in a quiet personal moment."

Photos and excerpt from the book "Elvis Behind the Image."

This event possibly took place circa August 11th, 1977. A few days before Elvis Presley sadly passed away on August 16th. The photo 1 shows Elvis leaving Graceland that day and the photo 2 is Gladys' grave site with the blue flower arrangement he placed there for his mommy for one last time. Elvis assured to send flowers there often over the years since Gladys' passing, but this time he delivered it there himself. Isn't intriguing, to say the least?

Oh, mama liked the roses but most of all she cared About the way we learned to live And if we said our prayers Oh, mama liked the roses in such a special way We bring them every Mother's Day And put them on her grave Oh, mama liked the roses Mmmm Mama liked the roses

In loving memory of Gladys Love Presley ♥

[moonsorchid]

Rewatching ep.29 of Love Between Fairy and Devil

Part 1 - I tried to include my comments in one post, but again so many things happen in this episode

(spoilers ahead)

So we learn that DFQC didn’t drink the elixir that would prevent him from feeling Xiao Lanhua’s pain while she was in the cave. And we also get this wonderful speech: “Since we are to be husband and wife, we must stay together until death do us part for better or worse. Even though I cannot bear this trial for her, how can I let her suffer alone?”

At this point, they haven’t said “I love you” (as far as I remember, correct me please if I am wrong), they have barely shared any intimate moments, yet their love for each other is so deep and beyond conventional relationship milestones, that they are willing to go through all this suffering.

Awe Xunfeng, now you make me feel bad for saying all those bad things for you. You have a heart, I may like you from now on.

He truly worries for her (I did not remember this at all) I am sorry, Xunfeng :(

Xiao Lanhua remembers their moments together (their first kiss in the prison, how DFQC was cooling the dew water for her, how he kissed her underwater, how he saved her from the immortals, riding the dragon, DFQC making petals flow around her, trying to get her pin, teaching him how to smile, kissing on the bridge, watching the sunrise together) to endure the torture. I am melting

Can I just say that I love Shangque? His devotion and kindness to DFQC are admirable

I loooooove this scene where they acknowledge her as their Queen

Ok, Xunfeng, I take it all back. I love you, now. So happy he accepted her as his Queen. *I have a goofy smile on my face*

Uff, such a powerful scene when DFQC enters the room - the signs of exhaustion obvious on his face and the way he walks – and approaches her. His touch is so tender, the way he looks at her so sweet. I am dying, I love them so much

They are back in the palace and everyone kneels in front of their Moon Queen. So proud of my babies!

Look how happy Shangque is!!! So cute!

And what a shock for Changheng to realize that the Goddess he was engaged to is in fact Orchid.

How fast did I watch this the first time that I don’t remember her saying this? Poor Danyin :( I love her character development.

Ok, so Ronghao claims that the Moon tribe was the one that killed the 3000 heavenly soldiers. And the Emperor is like yes, I believe the prisoner, without investigating further, and I am going to start a war without any second thoughts.

Pausing to appreciate his calmness and beauty.

Um, excuse me, Ronghao, but you just started a war

Do you know how much I love sweet puppy dragon? He just gave Jieli a key to all his savings. I mean he is the purest, most innocent person in the world. He knows her, he knows what she’s like and yet he opens his heart (and his savings) to her, fully aware she might steal them and never look back. Because he wants to see the good in people. The cynical part of me thinks he is naive, but another part of me believes he is precious.

Haha Jieli is already thinking about opening a store with him. They are so cute together!

I mean look at how happy he is! 

See you in part 2 (hopefully soon, because I miss them already)

Also, you can use my post as a drinking game for the words "love" and "cute" :D

[bengiyo]

Laws of Attraction Eps 1 and 2 Stray Thoughts

For @lurkingteapot, @negrowhat, and @troubled-mind, here are some highlights from the voice recordings Bestie and I sent to the chat while we were watching the first two episodes.

Episode 1

Ben: They were death-flagging on this child, so David and I decided to take the over-under on how long it would take this child to die. We gave it five minutes. So, two minutes later.... David: They ran over that child like Wile E. Coyote!

David: I can't go to Thailand. Ben: I'm scared! I'm really scared!

Ben: I'm so excited. This is giving everything. We got a kid run over by a car after death flagging six different ways, and David's like that list better not be in that bag! Cuts to the bag. The list is covered in blood. David: This is a Mexican telenovela!!

Episode 2

Ben: Let's talk about this sandwich. This man put all this presentation into a single sandwich, which he cut in half! Then split between the two of them, garnished with a piece of lettuce, a slice of tomato, and a ton of onion....along with some orange juice from concentrate?? With bread that looks like it was burnt to within in inch of its life on a George Foreman Grill..... This man is insane.... Like we already knew that. This man is as insane as Bill in Kill Bill 2 using a whole chef's knife to spread mayonnaise on a sandwich.

Ben: Okay, David, you were correct. I'll give you a Clowned Correctly award. David said that that man is not touching him because he's insane and he absolutely wants that man to want him when he finally fucks him. I love it though! He's like, "You were drunk, and you puked on yourself. So I removed your clothes to clean you up, and lusted. I sure did! But I didn't touch you! Because that would get me 4-20 year in prison. And they're not gonna have my ruffles and bubble baths in prison." David: "I'm a not-so-secret luxurious bitch. I don't DO cells." Ben: This high sadity mofo's like, "Uh-uh. But! Since you're sober now!" David: "Let's talk!!" Ben: I love this man. David: "Good! What's really good?"

Ben: Not this man getting out of this car... David: With the gayest shirt! Ben: What the fuck is going on with this collar and these overlong goddamn sleeves? This man is a menace. David: This is giving, "Give me shirt but also a Faustian nightmare." Ben: He looks like someone just popped a can of cinnamon rolls. David: I can't want more for you than you want for yourself. Ben: I...am overdone...with this show... David: And not champagne colored! You're a gay man! You know better! Ben: Look how it's sitting on his shoulders! This is a travesty!

Ben: I know we comment on how unhinged this man is in every scene, but why is he taking the One Ring to Mordor as well?

Ben: This is the least insane he's looked in this show, and that's saying something. We've been here for nine hours.

Ben: I see why @ginnymoonbeam said this show might be for the KinnPorsche enjoyers because this is now the next show where we've watched a father slap his son in the most bitchless way possible. David: Slaps always come in threes! The first is your first salvo. The second, this time, is aiming to fuck up some real estate. The third is the disrespect.

David: They clearly defined her relationship with her employees. They are not afraid of her. If these are hoes, they feel taken care of. Ben: I don't know what the relationship is between Organ and Silvy's characters, but I hope we get to see them fuck on screen. David: If we don't, why am I here? I require women doing filthy shit to each other. I can get BL anywhere. I came to see women doing shameful things with each other. I came here for Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon in Bound. I did not come here for the Bridges of Madison County. Ben: Girl you ain't never lie!

David: I'm here for this. The unapologetic sissiness is what I live for. He had me when he pulled out that little gun. "Now, I can date you, but I can also put you down like a dog." You know there's nothing I love more than Gays With Guns. Look at God. Won't he do it. Ben: God had nothing to do with iQIYI.

[spoopydooblr]

My King Will Be Kind Chapter 12 / Kendall Roy x OC

an: look at me writing! wow! anyways...enjoy! inbox is open and i would love to hear what you think!

tw: smut- oral f receiving, cursing, mentions of infertility, mentions of death, the funeral ep basically

Violin music soared, the funeral starting.  Stella watched as Kendall and his siblings (and Greg, for some reason) walked down the aisle behind Logan's casket.  Her gaze burned into the back of Kendall's head as he passed her.  She didn't know how to feel, really.  Kendall never led on that he had a problem.  It wasn't like he was lying to her, but he was keeping some of the truth away.  They told each other everything, or so she thought.  

It seemed like such an important detail to leave out, but at the same time, when would he have told her?  They hadn't talked about kids yet, and maybe that was why.

Still, he kept something big from her.  Really big.  

And the fact that she had to find out from his mother.  Stella was so embarrassed.  Unfortunately, Kendall was probably having a much worse time than her.  

At the front of the Cathedral, a tall old man got up to speak.  Kendall, Greg and the sibs attempted to stop him, but he made it to the podium.

The man introduced himself as Ewen, Logan's brother.  His speech took digs at the family, which was kind of funny to her, but sad, as her family would never speak to each other like that.  Not that they were perfect, because they weren't.  Stella remembered her invitation to Kendall.  Was he still going to come to Christmas?  It really wasn't appropriate now, but the holiday wasn't for another month and things could change.  Hopefully, Mencken would lose the election and Kendall would stop the GoJo deal.  

"Godspeed, my brother.  And God bless."

Ewen finished his speech, his harsh words leaving a sting over the funeral guests.  

Next up was Roman, who barely made it up to the podium.  Stella cringed.  It was not looking good for the eulogy.  A part of her wanted to judge him, as her speech at her own father's funeral was almost flawless.  The Roy's got their father for longer than she did.  It wasn't fair.  Stella felt herself growing resentful.  Everyone was grieving around her for a man who was probably better off dead.  And everything happening with the election...

Roman broke down, unable to say what he had written on the cards in his shaky hands.  He motioned to his siblings and they joined him at the podium.  She could hear Roman's whimpers echo throughout the chapel as people started to whisper around her.  

From across the aisle, Stella heard a dissatisfied humph.  She turned, making eye contact with the literal Jeryd Mencken.  Knowing a pretty girl was looking at him, he shot her a crazy smile, flashing what probably were veneers.  Stella's heart skipped a beat and she turned back, focusing on the scene in front of her.  First she had to see Kendall, who she was still mad at, then his siblings, who were still iffy on her, then his mother, who spilled one of Kendall's biggest secrets, now this? 

Before she could process any more of the absolute shit situation she was in, Kendall's voice boomed over the microphone.  

"Um.  Just bear with me a second, please."  He approached the podium with Roman's cards in his hands, while Roman sat down.  The eulogy was now Kendall's responsibility.  

Stella sucked in a deep breath.  This could go a few different ways, from the information she had gathered about Kendall the last months they were together.  He didn't bomb a speech often, but it was definitely possible, given the circumstances.  Especially with Lukas and Mencken there, Kendall was under a ton of stress.  

He mumbled more, taking a pen and writing some notes.  He started, taking some of what Logan's brother said and making it better.  As always, the pressure just made Kendall better, more sharp. It was his fucking father's funeral and he was putting on a performance.  Stella looked around, but still, she couldn't see Rava or their kids.  Maybe they bailed.

"The will to be, and to be seen, and to do. And now people might want to tend and prune the memory of him to denigrate that force. That magnificent, awful force of him, but my God, I hope it's in me." 

She knew it was in him.  There was no one else fit for the job but Kendall.  From her place at the back of the chapel, she swore he said the last line to her.  Kendall spent so much time convincing everyone that it was him, but he never had to convince her.  She knew from the moment they met that he could do it.

"He was comfortable with this world. And he knew it. He knew it and he liked it. And I say amen to that."  Kendall finished, applause echoing through the pews.  

Stella was proud of him.  Even through all of the shit, she was immensely proud of what he did.  

Shiv got up next, delivering a sad speech about her relationship with Logan and his issues with women.  Stella noticed Caroline sitting with a group of women at the front of the chapel.  She recognized Kerry, too, from Kendall's stories.  He was notorious for keeping her up at night, explaining the latest Roy drama.  The front row must have been Logan's conquests.  Stella shuddered, realizing that could be her at Kendall's funeral.  Hopefully he wouldn't replace her with a newer, sexier model every few years.  

The chapel clapped for Shiv, who shed a few tasteful tears.  

--------------------------------

Stella walked down the aisle, staying back so she would have time to talk to Kendall.  He was saying his goodbyes before they went to the burial with the rest of the Sibs.  

Kendall locked eyes with her and motioned for Stella to come.  She breathed s sigh of relief.

"Hi."  She mumbled, unsure of what to say.

"Hey."  He kind of smiled at her, probably relieved everything was over.

"That was...that was good, Ken."

"Uh, thank you."  

He reached for her, grabbing the cuffs of her jacket slightly and pulling her into him.

She returned the hug as carefully as she could. 

"I'm glad you came."

"Me too."

He looked up at her, tears forming in his eyes.  "Rava and the kids..."

"I know."  She said.

"Jess quit on me."

That, she wasn't expecting.  "What?"

He shook his head.  "I'll tell you about it later."

Stella nodded, her hands still on his shoulders and his locked around her waist.

"Um, have fun at the burial, I guess."

"Yeah, yeah, uh, I will."

"I'll see you, um, later, I guess."

"Yeah. Yeah."

Stella really didn't know if she would see him 'later'.  There was a protest to go to and if Kendall got word she was there...she would never hear the end of it.

------------------------------------------------

It was close to 6 AM when he knocked on her door.

"Where the fuck were you tonight?"  Kendall stormed in, scaring Stella's dog.

"Why?"  She shot back, tired of him micromanaging every little thing she did.  Who cares what she did?  

"You were at the fucking protest!"  

"Well we're clearly keeping secrets now, so I thought it would be fine."

She knew that would hit him hard.  "You could've gotten killed!  Or arrested!"  He chose to ignore what she said, even though it hurt.  

"How did you know I was there?  Are you stalking me?"

"Rome saw you!"

"Roman was at the protest?"

"No, uh, well, he was, but--"  He stopped.  "It doesn't fucking matter who saw you."

"You're just mad you couldn't pick out my outfit."

"Watch it."  His hand balled into a fist.  

"I'm almost fucking 30, Kendall.  And there wouldn't be a protest if you didn't call the election!"

"It was for the deal!  Don't you understand how important that is to me?  To us?"  He moved closer to her, pupils blown.  

"Well now that's fucked, isn't it?"  She got close to his face.  "It was all for nothing."

"We're going to block the deal, Mencken or not."

"You sure, Ken?"

"I'm sure."  He breathed.  "It's gonna be me."

"It's gonna be you?"  Her limbs felt like they were on fire.

Kendall smashed his lips to hers, biting down on her bottom lip.

"Ah..."  She moaned.  "I hate you."

"No you don't."  He mumbled, attaching his lips to her neck.  

"I--"  His hand flew under the waistband of her sweatpants and her breath hitched.  "Fuck."

He was rough with his other hand, pulling at her shirt and reaching up to cup her boob.  His fingers ran over her nipple as his other hand worked on her clit.  

"So fucking wet."  He mumbled into her neck.  

He lifted her up, her exposed legs hitting the cold kitchen counter.  His hands fiddled with her underwear, pulling it down off her legs.  Stella groaned as his lips nipped at her thighs, tongue dancing across her flesh.  

"Prettiest pussy..."  He dove in, "in the city..."

His tongue lapped at her clit, his hands kneading her thighs roughly.  They were both pissed at each other, but the love was too strong.  No matter the circumstances, life apart was too painful.  They were connected forever.

Stella hissed when his fingers entered her.  "Fuck, Ken."  He immediately curled them upwards, hitting a deep spot within her.  Her legs kicked, trying to find purchase against his shoulders.  The pleasure was so intense she couldn't stay sitting up, and her back arched against the tiny counter.

"Ahh, pretty girl."  He hummed, the pace of his fingers not letting up.  He sucked at her thighs, definitely leaving deep, purple marks.

"Oh God..."  She gulped, legs already shaking.  Her face reddened, the knot in her stomach embarrassingly tightened.  The Election had him so busy lately, she was touch starved.

The events of the last few days rolled like a movie in her mind.  Kendall was just trying to distract her from what had happened.  Sure, he had saved Roman's ass that day at the funeral, but that wasn't enough to forget what he did on Election night.  

"Ken."  She wiggled.

"Mmm."  He said, practically worshipping her core.  His hands clamped down on her thighs.

"Ken.  Seriously."  Stella sat up, her hands pushing his shoulders away from her.  

"What?"  He looked genuinely sad to be away from her pussy.

"I'm not...I'm not doing this with you."  She slid off the counter and grabbed her sweatpants from the floor.  

"You can't just eat my pussy to make me forget."

"I can try?"  He smiled sideways.  Stella's eyes darted to his pants, where she could see how hard he was.  

"We need to talk about what happened."

"They're gonna do recounts, it's not Mencken for sure--"

"That's not what I'm talking about."

Kendall's face fell.  Stella could practically hear him deflate.  "Oh."

"I'm not mad, I just--"

He slid to the floor.  She followed, afraid to touch him, but also still too upset to give him comfort.

They were silent for a little, Stella trying to find the right words.  She didn't know really anyone who struggled with infertility.

"When did you find out?"  She said.

"Uh."  He scratched his face.  "I was twenty-five."  

Stella was shocked at how young he was. "Oh."

"I just...I'm gonna be honest I--"  his voice cracked.  She had only ever seen him like this right after Logan died. "I was a dumb kid...I never used condoms, but--but I always got lucky.  Every time."

"But uh, when Rava and I got married I got tested, and uh, it wasn't good."

She was silent, still.

"He's uh, he's not mine.  Iverson."

"You're still his Dad, Ken."  Stella's heart broke at his admission.

"We tried everything.  But uh,"  he cleared his throat and wiped his eyes.  "Yeah.  No fucking dice."

"I'm sorry."  She yearned to touch him, but she couldn't.  

"Me too.  My Dad, he always held it over me."

"You didn't deserve that."

"Sometimes..."  He started, "Sometimes I think I do deserve it."

[blysse-and-blunder]

in lieu of a halloween party

~ 10pm, sunday, oct 29, 2023

if i listen really closely i can hear the quiet snoozy breathing of the sweet black cat who now lives in my room! oh, now she is purring.

(contains minor mention of the study of death/dead bodies, but also cat pictures, classical music, and minor spoilers for the end of the most recent season of star trek: strange new worlds)

reading more victoria goddard (blackcurrant fool is somehow *even* *more* for medievalist academics, they visit fantasy university and then the main character saves the day through the power of his dissertation research for crying out loud), some assorted libby holds from jenny odell and amitav ghosh, some kj charles inspired by the medieval mlm romance i finished a few weeks ago (which was great but i was so taken with the idea of posting a whole historical assessment that i scared myself out of talking about it, so maybe next time).

but the book that's been the biggest presence in my life lately has been the audio book version of mary roach's stiff: the curious lives of human cadavers, which i picked up because it had a little Moment back when it came out and i remember thinking that an approachable, sympathetic look at this kind of medical history would be fascinating. and it is! it is just as full of interesting information and humorous, humanizing turns of phrase as you'd like! roach doesn't hesitate to ask, like, intense questions of the people she interviews, nor does she ignore or downplay various gruesome topics, but the audiobook narrator has a hint of a southern accent and gets the mix of tones of voice (from ironic to earnest and back) really nicely. and also, sometimes i'm glad i'm listening to it as an audio book so i don't have to consciously continue turning pages, it'll keep playing even if i stop listening or need to disengage, because there's no shortage of actually quite challenging material. not for the faint of heart, but also, i can't regret reading it.

watching the new season of ghosts from the bbc! the second season of ofmd of course, both because it was fun and because i had to out of self-defense; uhhhh what else this month has been so long and also so fast! the musical episode of strange new worlds which was GREAT. how good were some of those songs!! like on their own, i would listen to nyota and christine and la'an's songs-- reminded me of the mix CD a friend made me for a birthday one year that mixed, like, barenaked ladies with some songs from the buffy musical episode. then the finale of this season which (minor spoilers here) i found actually so compelling, like, i've been mildly ehh about a lot of the gorn stuff (not la'an, but the concept of the gorn always feels very old-school scifi and the more serious they try to play it, the worse that effect usually) but then the monster design and movement when they finally appear on screen? excellent.

though to be entirely honest, the thing i've come back to and watched/listened to most consistently has been the new series of dimension 20, burrow's end. i managed to tune in as a campaign was starting, and actually more or less keep up! huge for me. the bear in ep 2 was all-to-close to some of the body horror i'd just been reading about with stiff, so this month has been 'so you'd like to get better about dealing with body horror?' for me in a way. unintentionally. i think i am appreciating this series more than i would have if i hadn't read and enjoyed watership down a few years back, but the added edge of, like, for-real magic from the d&d elements makes it even more fun. i love the new (to me) players, i love seeing the old ones in their new roles, i love that while the conceit seems to be 'humans are like eldritch horrors to woodland creatures' on the surface, there's also clearly something (or things?) else going on.

listening checking in on my spotify daylist lately to see what moods i've been assigned (soul-crushing once, which was wild to see as a genre, but goblincore also so. whatever i guess!) paper writing lockdown included more autoheart, more yws gwynedd, and like a 24-hour lockdown on @lessthansix's 'deferring panic' playlist, from which i share the following track as a thank-you:

playing tuned into dnd as a virtual player tonight so that i could stay home and supervise the NEW BABY aka this little (large) black dumpling of a cat who i cannot quite believe is my very own. playing such classics as 'ribbon on a string' and 'this is a ball that makes food come out when you play with it, ooooooh' and 'i hope my eyes feel normal again after i stop putting my face directly on you so much and i have not somehow developed an allergy to cat dander in the six weeks since we last had a cat come visit'. playing the classic game, 'so you think you can be responsible for another life form! and are you willing to risk an increase in your experience for loss in order to gain an increase in your experience of love?' (also while we're here: why is naming the hardest part of any endeavor. naming wifi networks, naming pokemon, and now this, a real live creature! who i want to treat with love and also humor, while showing wit and personality at the same time. hell.)

making fixed up a sweater my housemate was going to get rid of. i am not, habitually, a fibercrafter (though not for want of opportunity or, even, interest sometimes), but this made me want to find other easy and quick things to do with yarn.

before: big fuck off hole between the cowl and neck line

after: used some yarn of a similar weight /softness that i already had, so it doesn't match but it's not like you see it. hidden little necklace of pearls.

working on writing a paper for my first ever 30-min conference presentation, which is also going to be the first time i submit a paper ahead of time for someone (a professor i do not usually work with, but whose work and career and writing i admire) to read and give real comments on. this is fine. i am simultaneously trying to use this as an opportunity to squish an entire chapter's worth of notes and observations and ideas into a single presentation, and trying to not do that. but i want her take on all of it! i also...do need to write all of it. but getting a chance to slow down and take a bit of extra time with it was also very welcome. gave a guest lecture this week on a subject only vaguely related to my own work, which required a lot of extra reading (not even to know what to say, but just to be confident that i wasn't missing anything massive), and also did organize my department's halloween party, so. it's been a busy last ten days, and i'm excited to wrap some of this up.

bonus: cat pictures! thank you for reading this far, i think we will be going with luna? her grace, lunette st. cat, first marquise of dumplingdom. something.

[hils79]

Hils Watches In Blossom - Ep 32

Well, we're on the final episode. I'm sad. For many reasons.

I'm going to go straight under the cut so I don't spoil things for anyone who hasn't watched yet

I know your sister got brutally murdered but please think of the man instead of yourself

Oh no 😭

I will say that I found Zhuo Lanjiang's death marginally less upsetting than the princess's. They made it clear when he killed a dude in cold blood in front of his son just to further his quest for revenge that he wasn't going to come back from it. The way he died surprised me, but the death itself not so much. I mean obv I am still very sad because he was my favourite, but I'm more annoyed about the princess who literally died for no reason other than to 'solve' the fake engagement she was in.

Oh, yikes. Couldn't even pretend that he loved her even when he knew he was going to die. Bai Xiaosheng deserves better than him.

SOBBING!

Did not expect Pan Yue's dad to turn out to be the MVP of this entire drama

The Empress is like 'FFS I was just supposed to sit here and watch a boring promotion ceremony and now I've got to listen to a witness in a whole spy and murder plot'

I am so sorry, I am the worst person. When they said there was someone at the door with crucial information about the case I wasn't expecting her to wheel in a corpse. I laughed. I'm awful, I'm sorry son.

And the fact that she had time to acquire and change into mourning robes before making her dramatic entrance

OH SHIIIIIT! He wasn't friend zoning Bai Xiaosheng he was telling her to take his body to Yang Caiwei

I bet the people who aren't involved in this case at all are standing there with metaphorical popcorn. Came to see a dude get promoted and now there's going to be a live autopsy in front of the empress.

It is kind of fucked up that she has to cut open the body of her best friend in front of a live studio audience and royalty

Why not?? Did they seriously fake not finding the evidence just to add a bit of drama to things. IT'S ALREADY DRAMATIC!

This promotion ceremony has the highest body count I've ever seen in a drama. Usually its weddings or birthday parties where all the murder happens. Again, I shouldn't be laughing and yet...

I do feel bad for him. His sister was evil and everything but imagine finding out your sister is actually a completely different person and your actual sister has been dead for months.

Imagining she's really your sister does not seem like a healthy way of dealing with all this

Dun dun DUN! Turns out they haven't actually defeated the final boss yet

Well, that sure was a thing I watched. I enjoyed it up to a point but then it lost me I'm afraid. If they make a second season I may watch it for Liu Xueyi but it won't be high on my list of priorities.

[miseries-mistress]

UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES | EDDIE MUNSON

Synopsis: It's been 8 months since the incident. The one that killed the only real father you've ever had; Hopper. You watched him die in front of you, and since then, sleep doesn't come easy anymore, not while you are tormented with nightmares because you insisted on being there. After all this time, you never thought that it would come back and haunt you like this.

Warnings: female reader, S4 EP 6 SPOILERS, mentions of shitty parents, mentions of bullying, y/n has a fucked up childhood (not going into details), reader is cursed by vecna, heavy angst, give my man eddie a break, fluff if you look closely. W/C: 4914

Note: This is much longer than usual, but I really like this one

Starcourt Mall. A place for friends and family to shop, dine, and enjoy themselves; the exact opposite of what you're doing. 

The fourteen of you sat around discussing your next plan of action against the Russians and the Mind Flayer. Hopper had finished by saying that he, Joyce, and Murray would go alone to the Russian lab.  

"Let me go with you," you spoke up a second later, lifting your head. "You guys need me. I mean, I know technology better than any of you. If you run into issues, I can help. I also speak fluent Russian, and the last time I checked, you're going to be separated from your translator. You will need another one of you to want to make it out alive." 

Hopper places a gentle but firm hand on your shoulder. "This is too dangerous for a kid. We've got this covered. Stay–"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Slow down. You can speak Russian?" Steve asks, lifting an eyebrow at you

"Konechno pridurok, ya ne bespolezen. (Of course you moron, I'm not useless)."

Steve looks around at the others, whose mouths have parted in disbelief. Steve glances at Dustin, clearly confused by what you just said. Dustin and Lucas look at each other before returning their gaze to you. 

Hopper runs his hands through his thinning hair, pulling on the ends. "You're not going to give this up, are you?"

You smile and shake your head.

Hopper loudly grunts and peers at Joyce, who shrugs her shoulders. "Fine. But you do everything we do. You listen to everything we say and follow every order we give you. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes."

You wish that you never tagged along. That you never insisted on going with Joyce and Hopper. You didn't know this would happen, and if you did, would you still have done it?

You didn't know. 

You just wanted to help. 

You, Murray, and Joyce sprinted out of the facility, Murray pulling you along the entire time as you remained in a detached state of grief. 

Stupid. 

Stupid. 

Stupid. 

That's all you could think about over the next three months, drowning yourself in your sorrows and self-pity. 

Why him? 

You racked your mind for an explanation. Why did Hopper have to sacrifice himself? Why did you have to lose the closest thing you have to a father? The only father you ever had. He was always there for you when he took your parents into custody practically every other Thursday. He would sit with you all night and even let you stay over while your parents spent a couple of days in the county jail. He made you feel loved, appreciated, and heard after dealing with your parents. 

He was always there for you, but in his weakest hour, you could not be there for him, resulting in his death.

The leaves crunch under your feet as you try to shake the memory away while you continue your trek into the forest. Twenty minutes ago, Eddie contacted and informed you about his whereabouts at Skull Rock. That left the rest of you scrambling around to get there before your time was up. You were desperate to see Eddie, to feel his muscular body against yours and his delicate touches that soothed you like no other. You needed him right now, more than ever. 

Eddie didn't know that you were cursed due to you finding out the night before. 

When you were digging into the student files at school, you suspected it was a possibility. You've had nightmares, bloody noses, and severe headaches, like the other victims have described, but you've never had hallucinations, unlike the other victims. That is what made you write off the possibility until last night at the Creel house. 

While walking around the old and decaying building with Steve, you saw a grandfather clock merged into the wall. It was like they carved the wall around the clock to fit it perfectly. 

You heard it chime and crept closer, looking around you before letting your gaze fall on the peculiar sight. Two chimes. You take another step forward, slightly marveling at the details of the old clock while a stifling wave of fear sweeps over you. Three chimes. The face starts to crack, and you take a step back, still watching the clock intently. Four chimes. The face of the glass breaks open, and spiders- black widows- spill out, running down the mahogany. You stumbled back, away from the spiders. 

"Hey!" You gasped and whipped your head around at Steve's concerned features. He took his hand off your shoulder, studying you. You shifted on your heel to the wall with the clock, but there was nothing besides rotting wood. "Are you okay, Y/N?" 

Your gaze flitted between the wall and Steve as his eyes filled with concern. "I..." the words died on your tongue. How were you supposed to explain hallucinating a clock? "There was a clock there…just a second ago."

Steve's eyebrows knit together. "There's no clock."

"But…" the realization dawned on you; this was no coincidence. Vecna's victims hallucinated something a day before they died. You've had every symptom besides a hallucination. 

Steve seemed to arrive at the same understanding as you, and his entire face dropped, his eyes filling to the brim with disbelief. 

"No…" Steve didn't dare continue. He just gaped at you, waiting for a reaction or for something. Instead, you stared blankly at the wall where that damn clock was supposed to be. A part of you didn't fully comprehend the magnitude of the situation. You were going to die, and there was not a damn thing you could do to stop it.  

"We should tell the others…" Your chest constricts, your throat closing as you look back at Steve. He ran his hands through his hair before he grabbed your hand, squeezing it, silently telling you that he was here for you and you were not alone.

You and Steve met with the others and recounted what you saw, and the sheer panic on their faces was nothing you've ever seen before.

Thanks to Nancy and Robin, you now know music has a particular effect on the brain that should, in theory, help you when Vecna comes for you. Safe to say, you went back home right after the Creel's house and grabbed your favorite cassettes, shoving them into your bag along with your Walkman, sliding in new batteries. 

Now, Dustin and Steve are arguing over the directions to Skull Rock, with Steve boasting about how he founded the spot. Robin and Nancy trail behind you, quietly talking to themselves, while Lucas and Max follow at a further distance. 

"See, I was right, you butthead!" Steve pushed back the shrubbery to reveal the clearing. There are three massive rocks. The biggest of them is leaning against another, its face shaped, well, like a skull. Steve held the branches back as each of you stepped out of the narrow path. Dustin looked down at his compass, perplexed before he began walking around. 

"I concur, Dustin Henderson. You are a massive butthead." Eddie jumped down from the rock, and Steve flinched when he landed. You all seemed to breathe a sigh of relief that he was alive and not in police cuffs.

Dustin and Eddie wrapped their arms around each other. "I thought you were a goner," Dustin replies while Eddie pats his back. 

"Me too, buddy."

Eddie caught you nervously shifting from side to side, and the next second he was holding you close to his chest. You wrap your arms around his midsection as you bury your face in his shirt, which now smells heavily of lake water.

"Hey," your voice was muffled against the fabric, but Eddie heard it loud and clear. He chuckles, the sound low and rough and oh so attractive. 

"Hey, pretty thing, thank you for coming to my rescue." Now, it was your turn to laugh, a light and airy sound, as you basked in the warmth and safety he provided you. You grew weaker to his heat as his fingers traced the back of your neck, creating patterns against your skin as you calmed down. 

Finally, he leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on your lips which, of course, you reciprocated. He tasted like perfection, and your mouth moved against his, hungry for the contact you've been deprived of for the last four days. As he pulled back, he traced his thumb softly along your bottom lip, relishing in the fact that your lips belonged to only him.

Steve, who stood awkwardly to the side, cleared his throat loudly, and you broke away, clearly embarrassed. 

"We brought snacks." Robin lifted the shopping bag in the air. "And the six pack you requested."

Within seconds, Eddie was next to Robin, plucking the bag from her hands with a hurried "thank you" before taking a seat under the shade of the rocks. You joined him, sitting in a circle while Nancy explained her findings. Eddie's hand remained, almost possessively, on your thigh, creating designs over your pants. His other hand supported his drink, taking gulps every few seconds as he tried to digest the information with the barest of alcohol coursing through his veins. 

"That's what we've learned so far..." Nancy trailed off, purposely leaving out the part pertaining to you and Vecna. The entire circle's awareness shifted to you, and you instinctively shrunk away from the attention. Eddie noticed the tension growing with every passing second as he set down his beer. He took careful notice of everyone's anxious and downcast expressions, all the while wondering what had put you in such a sour mood. Finally, he turned to you, who seemed to be radiating pure anxiety. 

"Hey, sweetheart, y'know you can talk to me, right? I won't judge you or anything like that." A fist of panic squeezes your chest, and you take a deep breath, internally bracing yourself. 

You pinch your lips. "Something happened last night."

Eddie's own anxiety grew at your incredibly vague statement. He watched you, waiting for your body language to hint at the truth of the situation. His throat clenched. "What happened?"

"Vecna's victims suffer from bloody noses, nightmares, severe headaches, and hallucinations. I thought I was getting myself worked up over nothing since I never had any hallucinations, but last night, I saw something...something that wasn't there."

Eddie felt his heart sink into his stomach, and dread crawled up his spine. He stared at you, and mentally, he tried to process it, but it was as if a roadblock prevented him from coming to the terrible, terrible truth. It was like his mind was protecting him from reality because it knew that once Eddie accepted it, the force of it would break him.  

"I think I'm cursed."

That was the reality of the situation. The woman he loved so dearly that it made his head hurt would suffer a horrible, unthinkable fate filled with nothing but agony.  

"This is shitty." Eddie's face fell into his hands, and he stared emptily at the dried-up leaves and twigs by his feet. He bit his lip and took controlled, deep breaths, trying to stave off the sensation of tears pricking in his eyes. He couldn't cry now, not while he needed to be strong for you. You were the one suffering, not him. 

He lifted his face from his hands and placed his heavily ringed hand over your trembling one. He didn't say anything; he didn't need to. He's just letting you know that he is here for you. That no matter what, he will be by your side. 

"I'm sorry to ruin the moment," Nancy interrupted, her normally stoic face twisting into a guilty one. "But we need a game plan. Y/N has her music, so she, in theory, has a way to escape Vecna, but we need to find a way to get to him."

The six of them descended into conversation, and you vaguely listened, more focused on Eddie's fingers drawing circles over your hand. You leaned your head against his shoulder, and his arm wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer to his side. 

"After this, do you wanna smoke a joint?" Eddie calmly asks, briefly tearing his eyes away from the others. You smile, and for the first time since last night, you feel the flutter of hope in your stomach. 

"Yeah, I'd like that."

According to Dustin, there's a snack-sized gate located north of here, and following his compass will lead you to the location. You stood up with Eddie, his hand leaving yours as Dustin discussed the details with Steve. 

You left the shade of the rock and stood in the clearing next to Eddie while you waited to start your adventure. 

A clock chimed loudly in your ear. 

Your eyes roamed around the now deserted forest. 

"Eddie!" you cry, turning around. There was no reply. "Steve! Dustin!"

There's another chime, and your heart rate spikes, flashes of white-hot terror seizing your body. You frantically whip your head around, searching for any signs of Vecna, as the clock chimes for the third time. Your heart jackhammers against your rib cage, bile rising in your throat. Then, ultimately, there's the fourth and final chime. 

You blink, and you are somewhere else entirely. You take in the white walls, the control panel against the glass overlooking an industrial machine below, and you know exactly where you are: the Russian lab. Except, it's deserted, with no traces of blood or bodies. 

You are left standing behind the glass, overlooking the machine that would open a portal to the Upside Down. 

"Why did you let me die?" A voice, rough but authoritative, questions. Your hands grow numb, and fear tingles at the base of your spine, your arms erupting into goosebumps. You open and close your clammy hands, all while your mind goes into overdrive as you gape, slack-jawed, at him. 

Hopper is still wearing the Russian disguise, but the fresh blood stains on his face and clothing are new. He wasn't wearing his usual smile, and instead of the friendly gaze he usually offered you, it was full of hate and deception. 

"Why did you let me die?!" he repeats, taking another step closer. You take a step back.  

"I-I didn't." He's closer this time, slowly backing you into a corner. 

You jumped back at his voice, which was now louder than before. "Why must you be so useless?" he questioned aloud. It sounded just like him, looked just like him, and that made his words all too real. You ignored the stinging sensation behind your eyes, yelping as your back hit the wall. 

"I think a part of you wanted me to die that day; that's why you turned the key. That's why you killed me," he spits, his voice laced with venom. He stopped a few meters short of you and looked down. His fleshy, human hand descended towards your face. 

From here, you could see the thin scars that littered his hand, the callouses from all those years of laborious work, and the veins protruding from them. It came in contact with your chin, pulling your face up to meet his. The skin on his entire body melted away, leaving only a creature you could describe as hellish. Its fingers were long and thin as they tightened their grip on your face. The rough, charred skin was a sharp contrast to yours. You shivered at the sensation.

"Y/N." You stuck your hand out and yanked his wrist away. In a second, you ducked under his arm and ran through the door. You sprinted down the hallway, refusing to look back while you heard his feet slap against the tile. You make a turn and another before you come to a conclusion; It's the same hallway as before. No matter where you run, it will lead you back to that room, back to him. 

But despite the hopelessness of the situation, you turn around and head in a different direction because you refuse to give up when you have so much to live for; Eddie, Max, Dustin, Steve, Robin, Lucas– all of them have a special place in your heart, and you refuse to abandon them. 

All of the confidence you had built up before comes crumbling down when you reach a dead end. You let out a cry of frustration. This can't be happening, you think. 

Then, out of anger, you punch the wall, and to your immense surprise, it cracks around your fist. You look up in wonder and hit it again, the pieces of drywall cutting into your knuckles. 

"Where do you think you're going, Y/N?" a chilling voice asks. Your heart thuds at the back of your throat, the words banging in your head. You ignore him and the dread he brings into your body and punch it again, again, and again, as chunks of wall fly out. "You cannot escape me."

You feel not an ounce of pain in your hands as they fly to the wall. With this final hit, the wall crumbles away along with the rest of the place, leaving you in another plain entirely. 

The only word you could think of to describe this place was hell. And if you didn't know any better, you would assume that the Christians were right, and you landed smack dab in it, destined to burn for eternity.

There was a mist sinking and layering every inch of your exposed skin, twirling around the atmosphere. The sky was a vibrant blood red, with dark clouds accompanying it. There was a crack of lightning now and then as you tip towed through this foreign land. 

You had heard what the Upside Down looked like from Hopper and Joyce, who had entered it three years ago, but this was nothing like how they described. You didn't even see the particles they depicted floating around the air. 

Your foot landed in a puddle, and you winced at the loud splashing sound it made. 

The staircase leading upwards into the most intact part of the building catches your attention. Jagged rocks stand still in different areas of the plain, adding dimension to the otherwise dreary place. 

"Y/N," Venca called out again. "You're not supposed to be here."

A chill creeps over you like cold fingers over your body. You feel the sweat clinging to the back of your neck, dampening your hair.

You spun around as he spoke again, the voice even closer to your ears. "Y/N."

If it were physically possible to jump out of your skin, you would have when you whipped around to face the man that's been torturing you these past five days. 

You're able to get a good look at him now, and you're not even sure he's human, for that matter. Tendril-like things squelch and slowly slither around his skin, which is shriveled and a sickly red color. His face is even more horrific, the cartilage seemingly evaporated from it, and the bones themselves seem to be attempting to escape his skin from the way they protrude from his face. Venca lacks hair, but his head gleams under the red glow. 

What captures your attention most is his eyes. They're a piercing, cloudly grayish-blue that gazes right through you as if they're reading and scouring through the most intimate thoughts and feelings you've buried deep within your soul. 

A vine by your feet stirs to life, wrapping around your ankle, and with a sharp tug, you fly to the ground. The impact knocks the wind out of your chest, rendering you immobile for a couple of seconds.

A force, a pressure, pushes you against a structure, and for the second time in a row, your breath escapes your lungs in one sharp huff. You feel the tentacles stir and slither under your back. 

You try to wiggle away from the unpleasant sensation, but they move faster, binding your wrists and feet to the structure. Next, the slimy, wet thing moved to your neck, wrapping around your neck, tightening its grip as more and more of it encased your throat. You choked on your breath, the air entering your body at a much slower and lesser rate. The cold fingers of fear brush up your spine, sending a sickening terror through your body. 

A voice, one you've heard so many times before, fills your ears like a ray of light on a cloudy day. The familiar tune was one that you've listened to many times before, one that you and Eddie both adore. 

You blink, and an opening presents itself in the void of the Upside Down, connecting you to your Hawkins, to your friends who are desperately shaking you from your spot on the forest floor. Eddie looks hysterical, shaking your shoulders so violently you think he intends to dislocate them. 

"They can't help you, Y/N." 

Venca turns his back on the portal that opened. "There's a reason you hide from them. You belong here. With me."

You gasped as the pressure on your neck increased, sending black spots to dance across your vision. 

"No…n-not here." He takes another step closer, his face inches away from yours. You could see every scar and hole in his face, every vein running from his forehead into the gashed skin. 

"I am giving you everything that you want. To be released from the agony that haunts you."

The slimy tendril cuts off more of your oxygen, leaving you barely able to form a thought besides the overwhelming need to breathe. 

"No…" you sputter. 

Vecna's hand inches to your face, and out of pure instinct, you shrink and turn your head away from his claw. A desperate frenzy fills your head, voices screaming out with the primal need to live. 

Vecna's eyes roll back, and his head tilts as his hand is a hairbreadth away from your forehead. 

You set your gaze on the open portal behind you, of your friends screaming while your body levitates at least seven feet off the ground. From this distance, you can tell Eddie is pleading to whatever God might be listening not to take you. That he couldn't bear it if he lost you. 

As the music picks up, memories cloud your vision. All significant events and ones that hold meaning and sentimental value are all you can see and hear, and vaguely you wonder if this is your life flashing before your eyes, if you're going to be the next victim of Hawkins, like Hopper, like Barb or anyone else unfortunate enough to be dragged into this shit. 

Your mind is redirected to more recent memories, memories of Eddie. Each one warms your heart as they pass in a blur. His confession, your first kiss, the Metallica concert, smoking, Hellfire, his music, everything swirls together, and somewhere inside you, it steels your will to live. Faster and faster, you feel the will grow until it takes over your mind completely, eradicating thoughts of misery or pain. Your hand flies from the vine's grasp, and you blindly thrust it out in front of you. Your palm catches a chunk of Vecna, and you pull with all your might, ignoring the prickling sensation of pain in your throat. The piece of flesh rips out of his skin, and he doubles over. 

Venca gasps and the tentacles loosen their grip immediately. You dive under Vecna's outstretched arm, and you're still gagging and struggling for air as you make a beeline for the portal. 

The boulders, once floating aimlessly in the air, crash inches from where you were. You lose your grip on the uneven terrain, and you slide, falling to your knees. The water, as frigid as the air, seeps into your clothing. You pick yourself up a moment later, continuing your race towards the portal. 

The music, your favorite song, blasts in your ear, shutting out the sounds of your ragged breathing and the rocks crushing the earth. Time slows in a way you thought only possible in movies. The portal is so close you can almost touch it while the music pounds against your eardrums, helping fuel your tired and sore legs just a little further. That's all you need to go, just a tad further. 

Your eyes shoot open, and your body crashes to the earth, and for the third time today, the breath is knocked clean out of you. Instantly your friends rush to your side while your back burns from the pain. Eddie is hovering over you first, holding your face in his hands, disbelieving but relieved beyond belief. You struggle to regain air in your needy lungs, and someone pushes Eddie back by his shoulder, allowing you breathing room. 

There's a cry of relief as Eddie, despite Nancy's pushing, cradles you in his arms. 

"I'm here, Y/N, I'm here, sweetheart, shhh," Eddie coos, and you look up into his misty brown eyes, and at that, you could no longer hold back your tears. They escaped in full force, no matter how hard you shoved them down. Every bubbling emotion you experienced in the past five minutes was released with your ugly sobs as you clutched Eddie's shirt like a lifeline and practically collapsed against him. You were scared out of your mind. 

You escaped Vecna; that was the good thing, but that doesn't mean he won't come back again, and maybe next time, you won't be so lucky. 

You could still sense the phantom feeling of his touch surrounding you, and although there was no bruising, no sign of how you almost died, you still felt everything. The scene seemed to be scarred on the back of your eyelids because every time you closed them, you were back in that ratchet place, alone.  

Eddie holds you against his chest, caressing your face while whispering the words repeatedly. That you will be alright, that you will live, that you don't need to be afraid anymore. 

Before you knew it, his mouth engulfed yours. You responded instantly, silently informing him that his touch was welcome. The kiss was tender and passionate and so full of love you could hardly believe it. Your lips parted a moment later, and he held your face delicately in his hands, wiping the tears that never stopped flowing. 

A tear, a single tear, escaped the confines of his eyes. Eddie had witnessed not one, but two people die in that gruesome and tragic way. The fact of the matter is, you almost met that same fate, and that tore him apart from the inside out. Yet, you are his anchor, the only person who stuck around long enough to find out who he really was and loved him for it. Not for the drugs, which were an added bonus, not for the sex, but for him. 

After the messy situation with his parents, he was left without constant care and affection from his mother and felt unloved. But you made sure he never felt like that, and in the process, you became the only constant in his life. Losing you- the person who fills his once empty heart to the brim with love- was incomprehensible.  

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," you wept in his embrace, your tears staining the unwashed fabric of his shirt. 

"You have nothing to be sorry for, sweet thing," Eddie planted a chaste kiss on your forehead, pulling you into a hug. He held your head to his chest as another sob ripped from your throat. He gazed behind you at the others, who all sat down in a small circle next to him. 

Steve's hand was constantly running through his hair, Max and Robin's legs anxiously bounced up and down, and the rest sat quietly, waiting. 

You pulled away from his tear-stained shirt. "I ruined your shirt."

"Princess, that shirt was ruined days ago. You did no such thing," he reassured you, smiling down at you. You laughed, your voice still thick with emotion. 

The space lapsed into silence, the air thick with tension, while Eddie rubbed your back. 

"God, I thought you were a goner," Eddie remarked. You swallowed the lump that had formed in your throat. 

"I did too."

And for the moment, no words needed to be spoken. There was nothing you or anyone else could say. 

Eddie's grip tightened as he pressed his lips to your forehead, letting them linger for a second. This, right here, was okay. You were forever safe, surrounded by the people you loved the most. 

But alas, all good things must come to an end, and someday you will have to confront him one last time. 

[lavenderjewels]

Rewatched the latest jjk ep 18 so going to throw my random thoughts about this season here with manga spoilers

I didn’t want to rewatch this episode, but my family hadn’t watched it yet, so I went along with it. Didn’t have anything to worry about, since I didn’t get emotional this time and mostly just had fun with Mahito

Something I loved about JJK when I started it is how it set up some of its death scenes—With Junpei, Nanami, even Jogo, it’s obvious at a certain point they’re not going to survive. Junpei when he realizes Mahito isn’t a good person, Nanami the second the scene shows Mahito in the photobooth, Sukuna being Sukuna, etc. This isn’t going to work for everyone watching, especially if you don’t care for the character(s), but that anticipation for their deaths always made the scenes more tragic for me.

Mahito being a great villain also helps for those scenes. His personality and ability makes him some of the most fun to read and watch, and he’s incredibly smart, or, at least, perceptive in a way that’s sometimes hidden by how chaotic and childish he can be. I can’t wait to see the rest of his fight with Yuuji and his final words towards Kenjaku. I never noticed this in the manga, but in the anime, the look that Mahito gives Kenjaku the last time they met makes it clearer that Mahito had some understanding of Kenjaku.

Mahito and Nobara’s confrontation was gorgeous with the colors and lighting. It’s devastating knowing this is just. it for her. It’s too short and I’m still hoping for her return, but it’s been a long time with nothing

This season has been an interesting watch, since it’s changed a lot of my feelings on the shibuya arc and some characters. Had an opposite situation than with csm (spoilers for s1) where I was surprised after watching season 1 because I thought power was way more prominent than she actually was in the manga, except this jjk season was me being surprised at how much Megumi was here. It wasn’t an overwhelming amount, but he was involved in the background and at the focus more than I remembered. That and how his expressions/body language was animated with the voice acting made me like his character more

Somehow I ended up liking the shibuya arc a little less—also like with the csm anime, although these aren’t animation faults, only seeing the series in a new light and in a different medium. I was never huge on the grasshopper, seance curse users, miracle curse user (haruta??) fights, which take up a good portion. The toji fights were great, although I’ve always been neutral-ish about his character. The Mei Mei fight was surprisingly better, mostly since the comedy gag aspects with her brother were toned down (its still evident she’s grooming him to die for her but it’s not framed as comedic as the manga) and the atmosphere was unnerving and dark. Nanami is also a character I’ve always been neutral-ish on, so overall not the most interesting parts of the series for me. Love the kenjaku and curses team though.

But on the positive side, it made me appreciate what’s to come more. I didn’t care as much for some of the fights and most of my personal favorite characters (yuuji, choso, maki, kenjaku) get explored more after this arc, minus yuuji who gets time near the very end. I’m very curious to see if I’ll end up enjoying the Culling Games colonies more and less when they’re animated. A part of that will likely depend on how the future chapters handle things set up or continuing in this arc.

As of now, Hidden Inventory/Premature Death and the stretch of chapters from the end of shibuya to the Higuruma scenes are my favorite parts of jjk. For the latter, I honestly love when the characters have long talks, whether it’s about themselves, lore, or anything. The power system is fun, but when the chapters focus too much on that technical side, that’s really the only time I’m bored by dialogue or narration heavy chapters. Thinking mainly of the Gojo and Sukuna fight with that, but there’s a few minor instances in the series.

Choso and Yuuji episode is still my favorite! I am incredibly biased

Part of me wishes I watched this show first without ever reading it, but the manga is still more impactful for me, probably because I got to read at my own pace/digest what was happening and read it without expectations coming in

[steddiesupportgroup]

Man, for a show I’ve fallen in love with and had so much anticipation for, I ended up kinda wishing I hadn’t watched vol2.

Spoilers and a huge rant under the cut

The whole time I was literally shaking with nerves about what was gonna happen to Eddie, to all of them. His last moments (the whole last two eps honestly) dragged on for what felt like hours. It wasn’t fun; it was nerve wracking. And yeah, maybe it’s my bad for getting so attached to a fictional character in a show where people die, but so what? He makes us happy in a time where things aren’t going super well, brought us comfort. If we can’t use fiction as an escape, what’s the point of it?

All that aside, I’m still disappointed about other things. El saying goodbye to Brenner and finding her strength was great, as was the whole thing with Hopper, but other than that? I spent the whole four hours dreading what was gonna happen. I feel like they took the whole “all hope is lost” thing way too far. Watching Lucas hold Max while she begged to die made me fucking sick, as did watching Eddie sacrifice himself. I hate this trend of having people guess who’s gonna die, it’s just sad. Lucas getting beaten up by Jason, who, yeah he died, but didn’t get what he deserved. He was grieving and deranged, and then he was nothing.

And like they touched on Steve’s character arc for a split second before taking ten steps back. I don’t believe that he wants to get back with Nancy because he keeps finding new people in his life, new experiences that change his worldview. Why go back to a girl that is hung up on someone else? This isn’t even a steddie thing- they could’ve touched on his growth without involving her. He’s someone who protects people now, who keeps putting others before himself and doesn’t stop fighting no matter what. Maybe he doesn’t even need a canon relationship to find worth and value. The dream with the kids was cute, but he’s so much more than some guy who can save the world but can’t move on from his first love. I want them to have love for each other, but they both need more.

And man, Nancy and Jonathan are really dragging on. I like them as a couple, really! But couldn’t they have other conflict? Or keep the conflict without involving Steve? All that buildup for them to lie to each other about how good they are, it just doesn’t make sense. I expected Jonathan to tell her the truth about college, or have him circle back to thinking about what it would look like if they kept holding on.

And yeah, Robin and Vicki at the end was just some hetero “we don’t know how to write queer relationships” bullshit. Just because they’re both girls and can have things in common doesn’t mean they need to be the same person. Robin deserves better than that, even someone who knows what she’s been through (winking at you ronance shippers).

I knew Byler wasn’t gonna happen, but man, they really couldn’t have had Will and Jonathan have a better conversation? Even at the end? It’s like “everyone knows so it doesn’t need to be said” but why not?? How is Will any different from Robin, who is somehow the only character who can openly talk about her queerness? Because he’s a boy? Because he’s young and in love with his best friend? I don’t wanna watch him cry in the back of the van with Mike if they’re not gonna have some kinda resolution.

I am gonna keep talking about Eddie, actually. His death was wretched, yeah. But the thing that breaks my heart is that now his name is tainted beyond death, and the people who loved him are silenced and pushed to the side. The Munson Murders, what a tragic end for a character who was so loving, so kind and gracious to everyone around him. And how are the writers gonna act like no one else in the group is bothered by his supposed death? They got to know Eddie, they risked everything to save him, and you can’t tell me that it’s business as usual after all that. If he is dead, it’s the worst insult to his memory. Ya know what’s better than dying a hero? Getting justice! Living to see another day with the people who love you! He could’ve become a braver person if he lived and he was already a fucking hero, because just like Steve, he cares about the kids. I can’t imagine what Dustin will go through and I really don’t want to.

So yeah. I know that the writers won’t see this, but I hope with enough pushback they’ll revive his character. If they can do it with Brenner after having his brain turned to mush, they can do it with Eddie after getting the same wounds as Steve. Especially after El brought Max back from the dead.

And man don’t even get me started on Netflix feeding into the Eddie love the whole time, it feels so vicious of them. Rbing steddie fanart and acting like his character was going somewhere. Like we get that little tidbit about Eddie’s dad teaching him to hotwire a car and for what? To never see him again? I don’t believe it.

Okay, I need to stop. Thanks for reading, I’ll be writing a fix-it fic within the next few days <3

[m0ther-of-p3arl]

soooo i'm thinking of writing an au

just gonna throw that out there so yall won't be surprised if i randomly throw a fic or seven in your faces <3

FOR REFERENCE: this is gonna be a long post of me talking about shit i wanna write, it's mostly for my future self to look back and so i have all my thoughts in one place (i'm unorganized ok) and im publishing it so it's easier to find, but this is really mostly for my personal benefit in the future but if you all find it interesting yay thats great :)

anyhow

if i /do/ write an au, and that's a big if as my irl friends know about this acc and the teasing i could endure would be /endless/, it would be:

empires s1, with maybe some traffic characters thrown in- i don't feel like wc meshes very well with empires (else i would add it), unless the witchcraft witches were like at gem's academy or s2 shubble's witch school (OOOH that's an idea in and of itself lol

probably flower husbands based, or maybe mean gills, as they're slowly clawing up my mcyt ship tierlist... i'll have to think a bit on that one, but scott will most likely be the main character, cuz he was my very very first exposure to the wonderful world of empires and mcyt in general (found him through lauren, watched ep 1 of empires s2 and was hooked)

only very loosely based on canon events, i'd more be wanting to play around with the characters. therefore, out of the 3 ideas i have (more on that in a bit) i'd be more inclined to pick the more modern-day ones- though there would be fantasy elements of course like babe its empires

i have 3 main ideas that i feel like i could use- i'll put em in a poll if yall wanna vote, more info on each of them underneath

so yeah the first two are awfully similar- the main difference being that in the first option, the characters would be teachers, and in the second, students. imma go through all these a lil more in-depth, as i have ideas for all of them and i wanna see which one you all would rather read and i shall weigh that in on which one i'll (possibly) (ALLEGEDLY) write

teachers: scott is a teacher/the headmaster (i'll decide which later) at empires university (PLACEHOLDER NAME i swear i will come up with a better one) (probably) and jimmy is a new teacher who's just come onto the scene. he continually messes things up and scott is fed up with him and so they have a CHAT but obviously scott is traumatized by something in his past probably xornoth related or relating to one of the death games (life series) and jimmy is just CUTE but scott doesn't realize it and scott goes on being dumb about it and there is ANGST and such

students: basically the same general plot, but scott lives with horrible parents and jimmy becomes a reprieve and they become like best friends but they both have a secret crush on eachother (like in trust au omdsfksjdlkf go read it right now stop reading this rambling post and go read trust au SO GOOD SLDKFJ its by @/thetomorrowshow) and eventually scott is living at jimmy's house full time (jimmy has a cod tank in his room bc ofc) and then stuff happens heehhehehe no spoilers but again: ANGST

the main deal with these is there's ANGST (but also fluff because the two go hand in hand)

war: this is the main different one sooo it's set in the original empires world, but the cod empire and rivendell have been at war for decades and scott and jimmy hate each other but THEN they like meet one day and neither realizes who the other is until too late because they've never seen each other in real life and it's blasphemy and they like each other and all that yadayadayada ANGST

ummmmm anyway that's my fucking long rambling post done good graciousness this is the longest post i've ever done- anyway let me know (or don't, again, for my personal benefit) which one you would rather read and if any of them sound engaging at all- personally, i'm leaning towards students or war over teachers, i was full-in students but now i have so many great ideas for the war one- god i'm so messed up

that will be all

farewell

[24hlevi]

My AIB S2 Review

okay everyone, i had to take some time to write this out because it was only getting longer and longer the more i watched s2.

now, i did read the manga before s2 came out so i already knew what was going to happen, so naturally, this will contain major manga spoilers!!! i do love this show and manga very much it is my number 1 manga but i thought a review could be enlightening to some.

i will be going in episode order to make it easier

episode 1:

i thought episode 1 was pretty good actually. the first scene being the same scene from season 1 was a good touch to remember how arisu was before being sent to borderland and getting a small refresher. the king of spades intro was good, it was dramatic for the first person dying and i thought the actors did great on the whole car chase scene as well. also ann was amazing for driving i love her. i don't really have a lot to talk about this episode to be honest but i think the intro for king of clubs was great. though, i wish niragi was a little more fucked up looking? he looks pretty bad in the manga when they first meet him at the venue for king of clubs but dori does an amazing job portraying niragi. i also enjoyed the cast's reaction to kyuma being naked because i would react the same too.

episode 2:

starting the king of clubs. to be honest, i think it was both good and bad they took 2 1/2 eps to do the king of clubs. good for people who are willing to understand the opposing team more and feel more emotion, bad for people who just want the game to be fun and see people die. i do wish yamashita would've had more...expressions? kyuma is often seen smiling in the manga and while yes, i think he was still portrayed more, a smile or two might've been nice. i think king of clubs personally was the best adapted game in season 2 excluding the queen of hearts. i really liked the band members on kyuma's side too they were all really cool.

episode 3:

episode 3 i really enjoyed. i liked the flashback for tatta being foreshadowing to what will happen to him in the king of clubs game. as always, i really liked kento's acting when tatta died. also, i enjoyed the parallels to season 1 ep 3 when karube and chota died. i think kento did an amazing job for expressing his sadness even if arisu didn't know tatta for that long, he was still a friend, and naturally, people would cry with situations like this. i really liked kyuma's last words as well to arisu. very motivating. also his death was cool.

second half of episode 3. the jack of hearts. when i first saw the images/trailer with chishiya in the jack of hearts, i was worried they would ruin the whole aspect of the game. and while really, chishiya didn't change anything about the game, they did take out some parts from the manga that i'm disappointed didn't make the cut. for example, enji being a hypnotist and hypnotizing kotoko into everything she does and believing he won because of him thinking he was superior to the players. i think hayato did a great job as banda, he definitely gave off a good creepiness to the character that you're supposed to feel even as a viewer just by the way he stares. again, chishiya being there was weird. urumi was also portrayed amazingly i really loved her more even if she was only in one ep she was great.

episode 4:

i don't have a lot to talk about this ep really. the end of jack of hearts was...eh. to be honest, removing enji's whole inner dialogue with himself and removing the fake eye aspect were the things that made me wish were included because it could've been so much better. chishiya...was good i guess. i mean, he's not a hearts player, he's a diamonds player, so why would he join the jack of hearts? i don't fucking know. it felt like he was almost given plot armor from the writers and just made him have a "feeling" enji was the jack. also, the snacks bags communication was stupid in my opinion. it would've been much better if they kept him being a hypnotist instead. other than that, i think it was done pretty good. the second half of ep 4 was good too even if there was only a little bit of action with the king of spades. though it's weird to me what things the makers of the show chose to take from the manga and what not to, but i'll discuss more of that later. i did however, think it was funny how arisu ran into aguni and heiya. i really believed we would get doudou (manga only character) and it worried me about the dynamics that would be created and change by adding arisu into the mix instead of doudou. and i was right to be worried.

episode 5:

alright, ep 5. so, heiya is my favorite character in this series. reading the manga i was so excited to see if they would include her and when i saw the first picture of her in the adaptation i was so happy. what made me even happier was seeing the seven of spades aka her first game. reading it hit like a truck, but it was so good. that's how it felt watching it too. i'm glad we got at least one scene of her before being sent to borderland and her mentioning her mother. while it wasn't told in the adaptation, heiya just appears to have some issues with her mom. well, the manga definitely puts more thought into heiya's character as a whole just by her first appearance in the side chapter 37.1. it's shown that she has quite the broken family. with her father constantly at work, her mother would bring back affairs to the house and tell heiya to not tell her father which started the hate against her mother. the adaptation just didn't even bother with that i guess. we were lucky enough to even see the seven of spades honestly.

now, as i said, heiya is my favorite character. but i believe they just didn't get her right. i love every bit of yuri's performance as heiya and she did phenomenal, but i personally think they could've done more to show her character more. i do like that they kept her "everything i do is for the future" talk so at least they got that right. to me, i see heiya and aguni as a father-daughter duo, especially in the show. in the manga with doudou included in the trio and not arisu, he even says they are like a family. but we got basically none of that. i'll say it, arisu shouldn't have been included in the trio. i think it would've been better if they had even just brought a brand new character to join heiya and aguni instead of dragging a main character into the games where they aren't supposed to be. much like with chishiya in the jack of hearts. the side characters deserve their spotlight, and i think the show was too determined to make sure that they had at least one main character in every game for season 2. i didn't like that. sure, arisu gave some comedic relief in the ep but...yeah.

queen of spades was pretty cool. for it getting a lot of screen time without it being in the manga was interesting seeing as many of the others were just clips from them. the game is basically advanced tag with taking turns involved. the set was really cool though and it was awesome how they were moving around to get to others faster. usagi's speech was a little too long but it got the job done like always so i can't complain when she does great at everything. the queen was good, too.

episode 6:

second half of queen of spades. i thought the fight between usagi and lisa was amazing and fun knowing both actresses did the stunts themselves making it appear more real when they get hit. the kid was there for what seemed like no reason though but i understand why lisa chose him as their teams king since he was just a kid and couldn't do anything, it was a smart move on her behalf that very easily could've made her win if not for usagi. overall, i thought it wasn't too bad for a show only game.

onto the king of diamonds. when i saw kuzuryu in the trailer at the venue for king of diamonds with his pose, i was so happy knowing they would do it. while i don't understand the rules pretty much at all because i suck at anything math related, it was very interesting. i'm glad they did it but upset by what they did with chishiya and his backstory. in the manga, he's not even a full doctor, he's still a med student. the show practically changed his entire backstory for ultimately no reason at all. we didn't get to see him as a child who was neglected all his life which resulted in him becoming the way he is, and we didn't see how he actually was in the manga. they basically dumbed him down to just some sarcastic "unbothered" character when he's far from it. nijiro did amazing as chishiya i really love him and how he did portray him even if it wasn't the same as he is in the manga. i am surprised that they did show a flashback for kuzuryu to understand his thoughts better and why he made his game fair. overall, i really liked king of diamonds and am so glad they decided to keep it in.

episode 7:

this episode was...definitely something. the first half battle royale between niragi, arisu, and chishiya was good, not as great as it could've been along the lines of dialogue, but still good. i didn't think they would keep this honestly. but i was so happy that they did. while chishiya's words weren't the same and didn't have as much impact as the manga in my opinion, i believed it was still pretty damn good. this is also me just being grateful it made it to the final cut.

king of spades. now, i cannot express how unbelievably irritated i was at this whole thing. for one, they basically erased all of shirabi's (the king) thoughts and feelings on how he believed he was giving the players mercy by killing them. we barely got the flashback of him killing his fellow solider and i was annoyed they just made him out to be the bad guy who just liked killing others.

as for the rest of the ep, i was extremely disappointed. i thought that maybe because they would change the king of spades maybe they could have it equal the manga in terms of how the group would defeat him, but no. there was no tracker shirabi had that heiya shot and broke. there was no shirabi burning down the forest and causing the others to venture back into tokyo. it was just so different that it made me hate the king of spades game as a whole for the show. i love love the king of spades in the manga because the trio of doudou, heiya, and aguni were able to do it alone by themselves. but apparently in the show even all of them couldn't defeat him nor could a fucking bomb. they basically just obliterated half of the cast for no good reason except to fuck with people and that alone was irritating. i didn't think they could fuck up the king of spades so bad and then they did.

for personal reasons, i will pretend ep 7 doesn't exist.

episode 8:

everything i hoped for. this was the best ep in my opinion. mira crying was especially interesting to see after usagi and arisu's little moment with one another. people said this ep dragged on and was boring but i thought it was excellent. riisa did a great job at being mira and i just fell in love with the character even more after watching this. i liked that they showed the meteorite hitting them and that they stuck with the manga ending. but, the joker card. personally, i would be perfectly happy with the series ending where it's supposed to. but if they do a s3 of sorts i will probably still tune in. i understand why they did that instead of showing the joker like the manga, but i would rather it just ending. but, a little disappointing they didn't show arisu drinking the tea beforehand and that's why he's believing what mira was saying because i really enjoy the panels where she talks about the tea being a hallucinogenic and causing him to freak out. but, i can't complain too much.

overall:

i thought s2 was still amazing even if there were some downs that i didn't like, i still love this show and manga to death. i was happy with it as a whole product and thought it was still brilliant and i am so glad to have seen this become a adaption and have so many people watching it when it went viral on twitter in multiple countries, the hours viewed are amazingly high compared to last season, and just the general reaction to it. i'm very thankful for the actors who were able to participate in this show and the director. it was truly amazing and i will most definitely continue rewatching over and over again.

[rahnekat]

OFMD and Love

"Love your neighbor as yourself."

"I loved you best I could."

Spoilers for S1 and the first 3 eps of S2, along with triggers in those episodes.

I'm sure there will be a lot of deep and insightful metas about the themes of OFMD from people who are far better writers than I. (For example, I think we're very clearly seeing the effects of toxic masculinity in Ed. Ed's inability to healthily process emotion becoming violence towards himself and others is often the conclusion that toxic masculinity barrels towards.)

However, what's really stuck out to me on this first watch is love or possibly the inability to love. Another way to look at it is that I'm having feelings about stupid fucking Izzy Hands.

Season 2 starts with Izzy getting what he wanted. Ed loves him. Ed even admits it in the second ep. The problem comes when you realize that Ed loves Izzy as an extension of himself. Izzy is possibly the part of himself that Ed identifies as Blackbeard. I think Izzy even starts to see it since he asks Ed what he is to him, tells Ed he has love for him, and gets nothing in response.

Since Ed sees Izzy as part of himself, Izzy becomes victim of Ed's self-image. Purgatory!Ed didn't have to say that he thinks he's unlovable when he shows it every moment. He repeatedly maims Izzy in order to torture himself. He lets Izzy rot for an indeterminate amount of time with his infected leg wound before giving him an out.

Even the fact that Ed tries to push Izzy into killing him shows that Ed sees Izzy as part of himself. (I'm about to start reaching so stick with me please.) Ed seems to still have his hang up around killing. The only murder we personally witness him do this season is a guy who has a sword through his chest and will die anyway. He can explain that away as putting him out of his misery. Now, you might think his killing ~*thing*~ is why he didn't just commit suicide but I think it's more than that. I think its because Ed thinks he's unlovable and also doesn't love himself. He's in so much emotional pain that death would be a mercy, in his mind. The problem is that mercy and grace are forms of love. Ed doesn't think he deserves that or is even capable of having it. I think Izzy confessing his love is the tipping point and the reason Ed is finally ready to end it. If Izzy is telling the truth, that's enough love for Ed to get his peace. When that doesn't work, it's not long before he uses Jim and Archie's relationship to try for his mercy.

This is all a big long way of saying that Jenkins & Co. seem to really believe in the idea that "you can't love anyone until you love yourself." Since Ed cannot currently love himself, the love others have around him becomes poisoned like an infected wound. I personally think you can love while still learning to love yourself, but for the purposes of the story, I think they are right about Ed. He needs to reach a point of self-tolerance at the very least if not self-love. He can't rely on a fantasy to save him. (It doesn't matter how adorable merStede is.) This all leads me to believe that the love story for this season will be Ed/self. Stede's in it for the long haul; he'll wait around until Ed figures himself out.

Note: This didn't come out quite the way I hoped, though that's gonna be because I haven't completely figured out what I want to say. I have thoughts brewing under the surface about several other themes though I doubt I'll end up writing anything about them. So, um, fix-it fic writers got their brief with "warmth, good food, and orgasms," huh?