#I’d also like to mention I’m posting this at 4am

[letstalkwhump]

Let's Talk Whump

Welcome to Let’s Talk Whump, a series of interviews that spotlight the amazing people in our whump community! This is Izzy and Malice and we’ll be your hosts today. 

Here with us today is the one and only @whumpsday!

Let’s start with a fact or two about yourself!

My name is Mill and I’m 26! Aside from the whump hobbies of writing and roleplaying, I also play TTRPGs. (My favorites are everything in the Awaken Realms catalogue: Etherfields and Tainted Grail, and I’ll start ISS Vanguard after I finish the Etherfields expansions. Gonna start Vampire the Masquerade soon too.) I haven’t played any roleplay-based TTRPGs like D&D yet, but I’d love to someday. My favorite color is red and my favorite animal is the cat.

That’s sweet as! What does whump mean to you? 

Creative content involving characters’ pain would probably be the broadest definition that still includes everything. I consider it a subgenre of horror, with the added bonus of often showing the gritty recovery from the trauma.

And how did you find the whump community? What made you want to join? 

I originally found whump fiction on AO3 while browsing G/t content (Giant/tiny, content for characters with size differences, such as one being 4 inches tall. It’s the other niche art/writing community I’m in.) That led me to tumblr, and here I am! I’d always enjoyed whump-type content as far as I can remember. I lurked for a couple of years before finally making an account and joining because I was eager to share the stories of my daydream characters.

Do you think the way you view whump has changed since joining the community here? 

It hasn’t changed much! Always been an OC writer and still am. But I’ve only been here for a year and a half.

Now the important questions: what is your favourite whump trope?

My favorite whump trope is probably an immortal whumpee. With a human, you’re bound by the constraints of a human body. People die if you torture them too much. But if your whumpee is immortal, that goes away and the possibilities are limitless. Bonus if they’re a generally-despised species like a vampire or demon.

Immortal whumpee are so good! Endless possibilities equals endless whump! Would you like to share some of your writing with us?

My main series, Kane & Jim, is undoubtedly my favorite. I never thought I could be a writer, and I’m proud of myself for writing 50 chapters of that and counting. Within that, my favorite piece is either Hunger (#15) or Papercut (#17). Link: https://whumpsday.tumblr.com/post/709301997070909440/kane-jim-masterlist-writing-order-click 

Love the authors notes on Papercut #17! What's your writing style like?

I generally write in the late night (anytime from 11pm to 4am) in big blocks. I do not eat or listen to music, and have a water bottle nearby. I used to write very regularly but have since fallen off, and have just recently gotten back on track.

Is there an easy thing for you to write, something the words usually flow for? Is there something you struggle with writing? 

I always find it easier to write single-scene chapters with no cuts. I find it more difficult to write things spanning long lengths of time with time skips abound.

And are you working on anything at the moment? 

I am currently working on my pieces for the Whumpmas in July event (@whumpmasinjuly), which will be half Kane & Jim works and half one-shot short stories.

I’m so excited for Whumpmas in July, it’s such a cool event! Do you have a joke or pun you would like to share to spread some smiles today?

I’m not too good at jokes, so instead have my favorite cat video of all time for a smile: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rELs4jl64k 

Aww kittens! That’s definitely a smile from me! Is there any writing advice you’d like to share?

You don’t have to write everything in order. If something in a piece is giving you trouble, slap a “COME BACK HERE” label on it and move on to something the inspiration is flowing for.

Finally is there anyone you’d like to mention?

Sorry this is a lot… I have too much love in my heart <3

@anomalys-taxonomy, @blackberry-bloody, @dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night, @emmettnet, @lost-in-labradorite-halls, @lumpofwhump, @not-a-space-alien, @obsessedwithegos, @oddsconvert, @pardonmekreature, @quietly-by-myself, @t0rture-me, @whump-for-all-and-all-for-whump, @whump-queen, @whumperstorm, @whumpshaped, @whumpwillow, @wolfeyedwitch, @whumpy-writings, @whumpzone

Any last words?

i forced myself to use proper capitalization for this interview but i’m a lowercase guy at heart

Thank you so much for joining us today! It was great to have you on the show!

And to all you folks at home, have a whump-derful day!

[risingscorchingsuns]

Hikaru’s Beetle Breathing Facts!! 🪲

HIIII it’s almost 4am and god forbid i sleep for longer than four hours at a time so im gonna infodump about Beetle Breathing!!! Ive had the forms written out since like, December, I can’t believe I haven’t posted them yet lol

I’ll add to this list as I edit and write, but for now, enjoy!! This is equal parts infodumping and fun facts about the technique 🪲

PLEASE ask if u have questions! I’m not sure if im describing this as accurately as I could, id love to ramble if you need clarification!! Feedback is also encouraged- this is mostly a first draft! If you have ideas for making the form more balanced, I’d love to hear it!! I aim for Beetle Breathing to come off as a unique adaptation of Flame and Insect Breathing meant exclusively for Karu’s abilities, but I worry it comes off as “it’s the two mashed together to be more powerful than anything else” lol

• Appearance-wise, Beetle Breathing is most similar to Serpent Breathing, actually!!! In the sense that they’re both creature-based instead of element-based, illusions of beetle anatomy and such will appear when Hikaru uses his forms, like how serpents appear when Obanai uses his. (I know the author said you can’t see the forms technically but shhhh it’s not real canon can be whatever I want)

• The general color associated with Beetle Breathing is indigo, the same as Hikaru’s blade! As well as seeing bigass bug parts, viewing Beetle Breathing also has brief flashes of indigo where Hikaru slashes. I’m not sure if I’m explaining this well, ill have to draw it lol

• Beetle Breathing is a branch of Insect Breathing, with Flame Breathing used to supplement it. For the first few months of being an official Slayer, Hikaru used Insect Breathing- it was also the form he passed Final Selection with. When Shinobu found him in the woods, the two were similar in build, so she taught him to utilize his agility for her poisons. He was… okay at it. He never quite had the grace of Shinobu- his agility was better suited for traversing forest floors and climbing trees. He tripped a lot learning Butterfly Dance. But he got the hang of it well enough to pull it off, and went into the Corps as a user of Insect Breathing. But as he became stronger physically, (especially after he started T and bulked up a bit,) it was sort of the final nail in the coffin for Hikaru’s Insect Breathing career. He was agile, sure, but he wasn’t very graceful, and also he kind of sucked at poisons. But both Shinobu and Hikaru knew there were aspects of Insect Breathing that suited him- he may have gotten stronger physically, but that didn’t mean simply switching forms altogether was the best option for him. So, thus began the development of Beetle Breathing, an offshoot of Insect Breathing!

• Formwise, Beetle Breathing uses a lot of the same movements as Insect Breathing. The main key difference is that instead of using sharp jabs to pressure points to inject poison, Beetle Breathing supplements Flame Breathing’s physical strength to replace the jabs with slashes. It’s like a dance, but instead of grace, it’s built on power and Hikaru’s determination.

• Flame Breathing’s power comes from passion, and passion comes from emotion. Beetle Breathing is similar- the strength in its strikes is derived from Flame Breathing’s inner flame technique, supplementing Hikaru’s physical strength where ordinarily it would be Shinobu’s grace. Shinobu personally requested Kyojuro to help Hikaru develop Beetle Breathing- she recognized Kyojuro was the best fit for the fighting style Hikaru was trying to develop. She did not, however, anticipate that the two would fall in love lol

• While the movements are initially based off Insect Breathing, as I mentioned Hikaru is clumsy as fuck when it comes to dancing- he’s much better suited for skittering about in the woods lol. He took Insect Breathing’s dances as a blueprint, and studied both the stances and movements of Flame Breathing, and the movements of Kani, his Kasugai Beetle ‘Crow’. Flame Breathing is more centered in your core and chest, which was helpful for Hikaru to maintain his balance when fighting, as well as utilizing the full extent of his agility.

• The only written records of Beetle Breathing are in the pocket journal Hikaru always carries- he struggles with memory due to PTSD, so he writes a lot of things down. His journal is the only physical information about Beetle Breathing’s existence, as well as detailed instructions on its history, execution and development. Kyojuro gave these instructions to Senjuro after Hikaru’s death, who transcribed them into an archive. It isn’t well-known like Flame Breathing- but it’s preserved. Hikaru’s legacy, tucked away in a corner of the Rengoku estate.

• A lot of Beetle Breathing’s physical manifestations make use of mimicry and other anti-predatory or distraction techniques used by insects. This is most notable in forms Four and Six.

• Beetle Breathing as a technique isn’t more powerful than Insect or Flame Breathing individually- it’s just better suited to Hikaru’s fighting style and physical abilities. It’s made by him, so it grows and adapts with him. He’s not suited for using Flame or Insect Breathing by themself, so he took the bits that work for him and made them into something new.

FORMS!

There are six forms of Beetle Breathing, just like the six legs of an insect. There’s a brief blurb for appearances, but it’s very unfinished and definitely not final lol. Universally, the Beetle Breathing attacks have indigo flashes in the wake of sword movements. The forms are as follows:

First Form: Mandibles’ Genesis

Execution: The user will burst forward, following with two horizontal slashes in an X shape. Usually aimed at the neck of a demon for decapitation. Could be suited for dual-wielding, but since Hikaru just uses one blade, the X motion is executed with turns of the wrist. The motion can be initiated from a low strike or a high one.

Appearance: The mandibles of a male stag beetle will manifest around the target, seemingly closing around it as the X-slash is executed.

Second Form: Mirrored Horn Strike

Execution: The user darts forward, executing an upward vertical slash brought up from a tail guard. Immediately followed by an identical downward vertical slash. Similar to Flame Breathing’s Second and Third forms, simplified for the sake of speed and accuracy. Less powerful than the Flame forms, but more versatile.

Appearance: A rhinoceros beetle is seen on the slashes, rearing up as through to strike with its horn.

Third Form: Fractured Elytra

Execution: A spinning defensive move that uses the weight of the user’s body as momentum, unleashing an arcing circular attack. The movements and power behind the strike are derived from Flame Breathing’s Blooming Flame Undulation, but the agility required for the momentum is necessary from Insect Breathing’s Dance of the Bee Sting.

Appearance: being fr with you guys on this one, I have no idea what it would look like. Maybe a flared elytra behind the user, with open beetle wings in a circle behind them? Ideas welcome!

Fourth Form: Compound Ocellus

Execution: this one is heavily inspired by the mimicry adaption of eyespots, used for distraction or dissuasion of predators. The user increases their agility using breathing, darting around the target and leaving afterimages to confuse them. The afterimages mimic the user, jabbing and slashing at the target in a cascading mirror image. The user will weaken the target with up to six strikes and jabs, before ultimately beheading them in a final blow. The six strikes and agility are derived from Insect Breathing’s Butterfly Dance: Caprice.

Appearance: Fairly self-explanatory, leaves afterimages of the user that mimic their movements for a short time before fading. (Think kind of like Killua’s technique Rhythm Echo, if you’re familiar with HxH!) Additionally, I’d imagine the target would see eyespots in their peripheral vision, similar to that of the eyed click beetle.

Fifth Form: Catalyst Armor

Execution: The user utilizes their breathing to circulate blood flow more efficiently, thickening their skin and heightening their reflexes. This serves for both a faster recovery and reaction time, as well as making it more difficult to be seriously injured. This form is best utilized in tandem with other forms, but doing so is incredibly difficult due to the immense amount of focus required to maintain the armor.

Appearance: A sort of transparent shimmer appears around the user like an aura, like the iridescence of a beetle shell.

Sixth Form: Kaleidoscopic Swarm

Execution: The user ricochets off of nearby surroundings in faster and faster succession, darting in to deliver fierce, powerful slashes that stack up in damage the longer the form is used. Can be used to weaken powerful demons, take out large numbers of weaker ones, or as a distraction technique. Difficult to maintain, but devastating if used effectively.

Appearance: Again, I’m not really sure how this would work in terms of appearance, but I’d imagine the movements are hexagonal in nature, leaving afterimages of kaleidoscopes that get more confusing for the target the longer the form is used. I have no idea if this makes sense lol

oops i accidentally spent two hours writing this. back to bed with me enjoy your karu lore!!!!! :D

[checkadii]

SENDING A FOLLOW UP HERE TO NOT CLOG UP UR POST !! but YEA no mans land/gunsmoke really does lend itself to slaughter a lot and therefore causes it to come up. a lot more than it would if it was like. still on earth. it could also lend itself to the end but . i dont think many characters would fit well with the end upsettingly enough 😭😭 AND YEAA a big part of lr characterization for me is how they r both very. seeking for companionship however they can get it (livio by trying to make himself as small as possible pre eom and razlo in eom trying to be The Best Assassin to get a good grade in Killing) and kind of get . not defined but /almost/ by their isolation and response to said isolation - and obv mixed with the slaughter it covers some good bases i think

I DOOOO REALLY LIKE the idea of seeing milly and meryls slow creeping descent in comparison to everyone else kind of . being settled ?? especially with how they end up as reporters at the end and how that could be reflected with the eyes influence and the near constant goose chase continuing . PLUS the reports that meryl kept writing in . was it 98 or trimax i cant remember. detailing vashs everything feels very reminiscent of statement taking but just. in a different way. (sidebar. millys monthlies mention bc it is relevant and i think it could be woven into this as well)

OVERALL. i am delighted with what u r proposing it is very cool and will be haunting me /pos

POINTING AT THE LR BIT. YES. EXACTLY HAJHSJDJFN!!!

There was that one part in vol 10 of trimax that. Hold on I’m actually gonna go look oh my god I had the tab opened to twin wings we’re swiftly brushing past that or I cry anyways

FOUND IT

THIS!!! I don’t have. Words for it because it’s cough. 4am but whatever BUT. YK!!! YK???

And for Milly and Meryl!! The train of thought I had was just. Yea! They didn’t get to outright interact with fear until then, and while tendencies may be there it’s not,,, mmm. so tangible? Everyone else had Something ™️ going on every other breath but. Yegah,,, AND THEIR REPORTS CAN DEFINITELY BE SOMETHING REMINISCENT OF STATEMENTS!! (Millys monthlies can and will be woven into this one way or the other youre so right)

This will also be haunting me tbh . if I got money for everytime I made a tma AU for anything I’d have enough to maybe buy lies of p but holy shit this is Up There in the tier list

[detective-piplup]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favourite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Spread the self-love ❤

oooh!! I’ll have to look through to find my favourites, so let’s see:

to my dear friend

With my top spot, it has to go to my (first) Apolluke Penpals fic!!! I loved writing this so much and it was so much fun to do, plus I am still proud of it now, so I feel like it deserves this top spot. If anybody can only read one of my fics ever, I’d want them to read this.

2. you’re on a path in the woods

the prosecutor Luke bad end fic!!! this concept makes me genuinely froth at the mouth I love it and I LOVE what I did with this and how it was written!! It does fall a little flat without a lot of the context from the rest of this au but it’s a good enough read anyway

3. nothings new

less people will have noticed I did this one and less people will care about it but I go absolutely INSANE over this fic and I wrote it. me and my fireknight. for one of my specially branded “I got this idea and cranked it all out from 1am to 4am” fics, it’s super good and I enjoy it so much. plus it’s fireknight from cookie run I will read anything with them

4. cold

this is my least viewed fic whixh is a SHAME because I did my boys very well I think. Glenn and Wilbur you will always be famous to me, even if this one can be a bit odd to read bc it’s a snippet of their actual story with not much context, but its 2.7k words of Wilbur being a treat to write and I am proud of it

5. and I return to my beautiful city

RGB Hisui au my beloved <33 i love a lot of this au but I think I really managed to nail Luke’s whole return down well, plus I surprised myself with how long it was to boot. yippie for Apollo Justice’s Constant Suffering!!

an honourable mention goes to the several silly fic ideas I’ve gotten throughout my miitopia saves, one of which I almost wrote down here before forgetting I didn’t write or publish that yet, and also to Any Bryant/Elias Write Ever, I’d have put them down here but the current write I’m doing with them is incomplete atm, and if it was on here it would have gotten 2 or 3. I just don’t wanna link to it on the recs when I haven’t posted it in full yet!

[razieltwelve]

Writing Conditions

I occasionally get asked about what sort of writing conditions I have. That is, what sort of conditions do I write in?

I’ll start off by saying that I do not write in a giant mansion, sitting atop bags of money. I’ve done okay for myself writing, but I’m far from rich. However, one can hope. Movie studios… if you’re listening, I’m totally open for a movie deal.

In all seriousness, I think that every writer has conditions that suit them best when it comes writing. Some like listening to music while they write. Others prefer to work in silence. Some like working outside in the sunshine and amidst the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Others prefer to work at home without anyone else around. If you’re a writer and you’ve found an environment that works for you, then stick with it. Writing is such an idiosyncratic thing that there’s really no ‘right way’ to do things, and each writer will have their own ideal conditions.

As for me?

Back when I was young and spry (i.e., a university student who could live off four hours of sleep a night or even go days without sleep if necessary), I used to do most of my writing sitting on my bed with my laptop in my lap. I won’t say it was particularly good for my back or my shoulders, but it was a habit I’d developed over the years, and I was very, very comfortable working like that. That habit persisted even after university because it was something I was so accustomed to.

However, as I got older and I picked up a variety of injuries, that stopped being a comfortable way of doing things. Nowadays, I have a store room/study that I write in. That might sound a bit dire, but it’s a tidy, orderly place, and I have a big table where I put my laptop, as well as a chair that’s a bit worn down but in a comfortable sort of way. The table itself doesn’t have much in the way of decoration on it. There’s really nothing on it that doesn’t need to be there except a knitted whale plush toy about the size of my fist that my sister got me. He sits atop a pile of notebooks and is positioned so he can watch me write.

The study isn’t completely isolated from outside noise. I can hear what’s going on outside, but it won’t sound particularly loud. For example, a lawnmower being used next door will be audible, but it won’t be at an obnoxious high volume. I like that since I’m not a big fan of total silence. I prefer being able to hear a bit of ambient noise.

I don’t listen to music when I write. I might listen to it before I start writing or while I’m taking a break, but I just don’t like listening to music while writing. I find it a bit distracting. I don’t listen to podcasts or anything either. The only voice I want to hear when I’m writing is that little voice in my head that’s telling me what to do. That said, I can write while listening to music or podcasts. In fact, that’s something I often do when writing other things (e.g., blog posts). But when it comes to writing fiction, I prefer to have nothing but ambient noise around.

I should also mention something about how long I write for in a single sitting. I’ll usually write for a few hours at a time. During a normal day, I’ll write in the morning and again in the evening with a break during the middle of the day. I’m also of fond of writing very late at night. For instance, I’ve written quite a few chapters of various stories while working from 11 PM to 4AM in the morning. Perhaps it’s a holdover from my university days or perhaps I’m a bit of a night owl, but I’ve also enjoyed working during the graveyard shift, so to speak.

Back in my younger days, though, I used to sit down and write for hours and hours. I’m talking about writing for eight to twelve hours straight with brief breaks for the bathroom and food. As I got older, though, sitting down and writing for such long periods of time without longer breaks in the middle would give me wrist and back pain. I also went through at least a few periods where I’m pretty sure I had RSI for a while when I used to do that.

The scary thing is that even now, if things are going really well, I can write for hours and hours without realising how long I’ve been doing it, and I’ll feel fine. It’s only afterward that everything starts to hurt, which is why I’m more conscious of taking breaks. I won’t say that marathon writing sessions are healthy in the long term, but I will also acknowledge that I went through a period of rapid development as a writer while doing them.

With regards to advice, I think that every writer should tinker with their environment to see what suits them best. Try music and then try not having music. Try writing outside and then try inside. Don’t be afraid to experiment until you’ve found the environment that makes you most productive.

If you’re interested in my thoughts on writing and other topics, you can find those here.

I also write original fiction, which you can find on Amazon here or on Audible here. I’ve also just released a new story, Attempted Rescuing!

P. S. Behold the power of the whale! He sees all!

[killemwithkawaii]

Goretober 2022 'The Staycation 🏡💙' Post-Event Reflection

Some thoughts about how the event went, now that it's concluded, so I can look back and reference them next year ✅

Positives:

>Introductions to the Mitchs: I was SO HAPPY to FINALLY be able to share all of my selfinsert characters with you guys!! I’ve been slowly developing them and their stories ever since ‘KEWKs Kidnapping,’ but wanted to come up with an interesting way to reveal all of them to you. I’ve wanted to, but held back on making art and fics about them because I wanted to save all of it for The Staycation event. Now that the event is concluded and they’ve all been introduced, I’ll be able to freely talk about and draw them as much as I like! I can already tell they have a few fans, (particularly Mitch(2)/ coworker!Mitch, who just so happens to be my favorite one! c:) so please feel free to ask about them/ their AUs if you’d like to. I may hold mini events where I RP as them and L.S.S. during their original timelines, but for now, I’d like to finally make character sheets for them and maybe write fics for their original AUs :D

>Trying new things: I took this event as an opportunity to try out some different artistic mediums that I don’t usually dabble in- pencil (my go-to before I started drawing digitally), pen/marker, collage, pixel art/ simple animation, digital but with simple lineart and a new brush, and I even threw a poem in there! It was a ton of fun to experiment with all of these, and I found that I really enjoyed all of them and would like to mess around with them more in the future. I particularly liked making the pixel art for videogame!Mitch and the collages for dealer!Mitch, and am very happy I finally figured out how to make simple animated gifs out of my art c:

>Story building: I had SO MUCH fun creating the story for this event, dropping hints to the ending, including throwbacks/references to past goretober events and sprinkling in easter eggs in the art and writing, especially all the references to food/eating, rabbits, and wolves/dogs! (tbh for a minute there, I was worried I was making things too obvious lol) I’ll have to make an ‘in case you missed it’ post pointing out some things that people haven’t mentioned yet…~

>Productivity: I succeeded in creating a total of 41 pieces of art and wrote at least 100 pages of story for this event, with about 90% of it created between October 1st and November 1st! Not too shabby, if I do say so myself UwU Doing this event always shows me that I’m capable of doing way more than I give myself credit for, and while that rapid pace is not at all sustainable long-term, I’m still very proud that I was able to pull off what I did in that short amount of time! It also gets me into the practice of drawing and writing much faster in general, which means my general art and writing will turn out quicker, too (good news for you guys, now that I’m back to my usual shenanigans~)

>Better self-care: While I did not succeed in avoiding all the pitfalls I fell into during the 2021 ‘The Do-Over’ goretober event, I still did a better job at caring for myself during this years event than the last. I managed to make time for a little socializing, did not lose as much weight over the course of the month as I did last year, and managed to avoid having a major breakdown due to the workload (still had a little cry toward the end, but it lasted like 5 minutes so I just consider it business as usual lol).

Negatives:

>Planning does not equal preparing: I did a lot of planning for this event- tons of spreadsheets, notes, ideas and a rough outline for each chapter- but I quickly learned that planning is not a substitute for preparing. I thought it would be much easier to write in real-time this year with so much to pull from in my back pocket, but I still ended up writing and drawing for at least 3-8+ hours every day during the event and often stayed up past 4am to finish the content for each day. Even with all that work, I was unable to fit in A LOT of what I wanted to include, simply because there was not enough time to create it from scratch. 

Out of all the ficlets posted during the event, the only ones that were prewritten were the finalized day zero fic, the rough drafts for Penpal, Coworker, and Neighbors original introductions, and the draft for Penpals original death, and out of all the art posted, only the intro pics for Mitch 1-5 were completed before the 1st . Everything else was created within a few days of being posted, usually the same day. So, it’s safe to say at least 90% of this event, written and drawn, was improv and was therefore not the quality I wanted for it to be, despite all the effort I put into it. 

>Things not going as intended: Despite having so much planned before October, having preset points for the appearances and deaths of each S/I and a definite ending in mind, the inbetween parts went VERY differently than what I’d set out to make them, simply because I had nothing concrete actually written for them and got new ideas mid-event. Still, I hope each chapter is enjoyable for what they turned out to be! (I may end up writing a fic version of this event that goes how I originally intended, or how I wish they turned out after-the-fact…)

>Human limitations: Despite telling myself not to do what I did last year, the pace I set was incredibly demanding, and after putting in so much work for the whole month, I was completely exhausted by the 31st. That day, I was feeling very sick and was having trouble thinking straight, but because it was pretty much the final day of the event and I’d come so far, I wanted to post something and get it over with. The writing posted on that day is not at all what I wanted it to be- it was, after all, supposed to be the climax of the story, but it fell completely flat and I am very, very disappointed with it. I intend to go back and edit it when I’m feeling up to it, but for now, I’m still recovering and trying not to beat myself up over it too bad…

>Lack of interaction: First off, I am incredibly grateful to those of you who sent in asks during The Staycation, with a special shout-out to @meadow-hearthfire and @stormcellarwitch! Your asks played a MAJOR part in the story and really helped to move it along and spark inspiration for me. Thank you so, so, SO much for your participation!! I really hope you enjoyed the ride, and that you’ll join me for next years goretober event as well :D

That being said, I was disheartened by the general lack of interaction during the event, especially after I was told there were a number of people that were excited to participate. I had more asks than I could handle last year and about half the number of followers that I do now, so I was anticipating a big turn-out and am wondering why that didn’t happen. (What made it more confusing was that I actually gained quite a few followers during the event, when I’d expected to lose a bunch due to the shift in content! But otherwise, there was very little activity in my feed…) I do realize I’m not owed interaction from any of you, and that my goretober events are very self-indulgent and different from my usual stuff, but I would still very much appreciate some constructive input as to why people were not interacting as I’d hoped and what I can do next year to motivate participation:

Was it boring? Too repetitive? Too confusing or involved? TL;DR? Were you disappointed because it wasn’t what you expected it to be? Were you confused as to how you could interact, what you were supposed to do, or assume you could not participate for some reason? Did you enjoy and follow the event, but just didn’t feel like participating in it? Are my goretober events just not your thing, and you were simply waiting for when the blog went back to the usual vibe? Or, were you just busy with life and didn’t have time to participate this year? 

Thank you in advance for your input! It’ll be very helpful to me so I can make next year as entertaining and fun as possible for you guys and for myself ^^

Notes to Self for 2023 (that may be useful anyone that wants to do an event like this themselves):

>PREPARE: You DO NOT want this to take over your whole life for the entire month or be unsatisfied with the results because it’s rushed!! Make a goal to have AT LEAST 50% of the writing and art done (ESPECIALLY THE FINALE) before October 1st, and have an outline written for the rest. It is WAY easier to edit things a little during the event than to make it all from scratch the same day you post it!!

>Stick with the plan: Throwing in some things on impulse is fun, but taking a hard left out of nowhere just makes it so you have to improvise even more afterwards. Make a flowchart if choices made by the audience can affect the story progress so that you can stay on track and still get to where you need to go in the end.

>Be interactive, but independent: Include audience participation when/if it's offered, but do not depend on it, because it may not be there when you need it. 

>Be clear: Set guidelines for participation, what the event is about, and make a masterlist/ guide for past events and the AUs within them so newcomers can get up-to-speed with the story so far

>Do some refreshing: Reread your own writing and take notes so you actually remember your own story. It will spark new ideas and help keep things consistent! Also, edit things that are not congruent and fix any plot holes you find.

>Remember this story is for you!: Just because people aren’t participating doesn’t mean your story isn’t worth creating and putting out there. Make it because you love it, and if people like it, that’s great! If not, you have a whole story custom tailored to your tastes, and that’s awesome, too ^^

Thanks for reading! I’m looking forward to getting back to business as usual on the blog and to thoroughly planning AND preparing for next years goretober event. Until then, I hope you all enjoyed this years event and had a great Halloween~ 🤗🎃💖

[mbti-ramblings-and-whatnot]

You know you’re having a good time when you (INFP) and your cousin (ISFP) both take a 100 question mbti test and are both told you’re INTJs (my results below, hers were similar)

[enmercury]

✧･ﾟjay is born

                                        ─  ⊹﹒・₊˚﹕⋆⊹  ─

hi! it’s my first post on tumblr and i want to dedicate it to the question about jay’s birthday time. (also, i’m sorry for my english cuz it’s not my first language ᵕ̈)

so, in his birthday vlive «jay is born», in #answermejay, sunoo asked him a question about time he was born (thanks sunoo). it turns out that so far jay is the only one from the group whose time we can at least roughly guess... jay said that it’s probably between 12am to 4am. he also said: «… there is some chinese words to describe time. it was jin» so if you know chinese – please, answer what does it mean! it really might help.

back to astrology, he is definitely was born after 2:41am, since he said that his sun is in taurus. so for the time he said (to 4am), that means his moon is probably in cancer, because leo moon appears only at 5:20am the day he was born. in this case, it turns out that we have a choice between 4 ascendant – capricorn, aquarius, pisces and aries.

in my opinion, capricorn ascendent match him the most. i'm not one of those people who are sure that the ascendant can 100% describe our appearance, but hear me out, jay really do looks like a capricorn ascendant. his legendary jawline, his gaze, his style etc. i mean, google some celebrities with capricorn rising and you will understand what i’m talking about. what about style – he mentioned, that his favourite designer is hedi slimane. hedi’s works gives me a capricorn vibes sometimes tho... also, if we get off the topic about appearance, capricorn rising ppl - ambitious workaholics. jay is one of them for sure. “no matter their sun sign, they should definitely learn an instrument and endeavor to create music. they could manifest their creativity through this art form, especially if the capricorn rises taurus in their chart”

since i believe in degree theory, let's say he was born at 2:20am. that means, his ascendent might be at 17 degress. it’s a leo degree also known as an indicator of fame. next quote about this degree is from @lunarticxenia blog: «with leo degrees on the ascendant, I’d say this individual radiates boldness and strength. even if they have a soft demeanor, there’s still strength there. soft but strong. they also might have hair that stands out, or just a big head of hair in general. they also draw a lot of attention to themselves whether they want to or not. like aries degrees, they look athletic or like they work out, even if they don’t, i.e. they have muscles or naturally toned legs, etc. also, like gemini degrees, they tend to express themselves through their appearance, whether it be with clothes, hair, or makeup. they also look like they’d be a lot of fun as well»

i want to say, i've seen a lot of people who think jay's ascendant is a leo. i thinks, it’s might be an answer.

of course, i might be wrong, it’s just my guess! but i look at this chart and it’s seems very accurate with all of the placements… anyways, i really hope that you will also express your opinion about this! thanks for your attention ﾟ˚✧

[aphrodite-would-be-proud]

Hi! How are you doing? ^^ ☆

Just wanted to know if you could make a headcanon about how would it be like after an argument with Armin? Please

Tysm for reading me, I love your work ♡♡♡

You're so sweet and nice ♡ of course I'd love to do one and tbh we must be on the same wavelength because i was just thinking about that yesterday!!!

I really liked your idea so imma do both a scenario and a headcanon! Hope you don't mind?

After an argument with Armin

{ Armin x reader | tw: hurt/comfort, self-image issues | angst with happy ending | modern }

{ "Moonlit View" byOscar Kleineh 1846 - 1919 }

Being with Armin had its many, many perks, one being that he's really empathetic and understanding, he doesn't assume things without evidence and knows misunderstandings happen.

When facing problems or disagreements, he thinks of a solution, not argue. He rather you work together against the problem than against each other.

Whenever you were in a bad mood he'd assume the best and think of what might have caused it instead of taking it personally, he knows you still love him, he knows you're just stressed. Maybe comfort could help? Maybe a lovely cuddly evening? Or maybe you need some space?

He's just really good at reading people's emotions and handling these situations, thanks to his efforts you both successfully managed to avoid any kind of arguments or fights most couples go through.

Which is why it was a shocking surprise to everyone when Eren got a call from Armin late at night, asking if he can stay over because you two just had, what he described as, the biggest fight.

Eren almost didn't believe him at first, he thought Armin was playing a prank on him. But then he heard the quivering in his voice and the hiccup that followed. Armin was crying, things were serious.

The last thing he said to you while putting his coat on was "I'm sorry, I'm weak, you and I know that."

Him saying that, in that tone, with those tearful eyes, made you want to get up and yell at him that no he isn't. He shouldn't just say that about himself like it's a fact and not just the results of years of self-doubt.

You wanted to hug him, to pull him closer till all those awful thoughts leave his head, till he sees at himself like how you see him, incredibly brave and determined.

But you didn't, you stayed there on the couch as he put his shoes on. His eyes pleading for you to say something, anything. To tell him to stay, to come sit near you. He even looked at you one last time before opening the door.

As you stared at him in silence, the realisation that you don't even remember what you were fighting about hit you, you can't, how could you? The minute the door closed behind him is when you realised how real the situation is.

How quiet the house is.

Has it always been this cold?

And just how much worried you are about him.

It hasn't been a full minute and you're missing him already.

—

It's 4am

It's hours since he left, how much exactly? You can't even remember.

Still haven't moved from the couch, you're not sure what you're feeling, you've been going through different emotions each hour.

Guilt, sadness, regret, anger, denial, pessimism, you name it.

It doesn't matter, none of that really matters to you right now. It's Armin who you've been worried about for a while that matter.

You know for a fact Eren and Mikasa aren't the most emotionally open people, you know Armin is already struggling with letting out his emotions without feeling needless guilt or shame.

You know he needs someone right now, he needs a shoulder to cry on and a reassuring voice. You've been both these things for him since even before you got together.

Just like he has been these things for you too. You need that someone just as much now. You didn't even know it's possible to feel this lonely.

Is he also thinking about you? Is he sleeping soundly on Eren’s couch? Or is that one stain from last week's party bothering him?

...is he just as miserable as you are right now? Probably not, you think. He's far stronger than he gives himself credit for, you know that better than everyone else.

Your thought process gets interrupted by a buzz from your phone, a text. Your eyes light up, you pull the blanket you dragged from the bed tighter around you, it's Armin.

[ hey ] it said, [is it okay if i call you?]

You reply back, he starts typing again, you stare at those three dots like your life depends on them.

[Okay, give me a minute please ]

You pull the phone closer to you, it's brightness contratsing against the dark living room. Some minutes pass...nothing, you feel your heartbeat rising. Phone still clutched in your hands.

It rings, it doesn't get past the second ring before you've pressed the accept button. You can hear the wind on the other side, alongside the distant sound of passing cars. Your heart only slows down after hearing the fimilar and oh so lovely sound of soft breathing

Suddenly the world doesnt seem so dim anymore.

"Sorry, it took more time than i thought, Eren keeps his keys in really weird places...I hope i didn't make you worry"

Oh If only he knew..

Dozens of possible replies run through your mind.

I missed you, did you miss me too?

Please come back, I hate feeling this lonely.

How does it feel to take my heart and run away?

Was your voice always this captivating or am i just high on sleep-deprevation?

I miss your kisses, i wish i could feel your lips against mine. Could you kiss me through the phone?

...in the end, you settle for "It's okay" you say, "It's alright."

"That's good...hey listen." You listen, "I'm not going to skirt around the subject, i called because" he takes a deep breath, "i want to apologise for how i acted, for what i said, both to you and myself."

Hearing him admit to his faults and own up to his mistakes, fills you with courage to do the same. You apologise, you mention how you've been thinking about him, you leave out the embarrassing parts.

You tell him you love him, and miss him.

You're met with silence. So you call out his name.

"Wait..you're not mad at me?" He says.

What? Mad? You?

"No." You say. "Why would you think that?"

You hear a chuckle that evolves into a laugh, it's contagious.

"Fuck...oh god I'm...im so stupid, i left because I thought you were mad and didn't bother you more by making you look at me." Even he seems to realise just how ridiculous that concept is.

It's 5am now, you're both laughing over the phone. The world is good again.

You ask if he's mad at you.

He instantly replies with a no.

"I could never be mad at you..." he says, "I love you so much it hurts. I love you like I've never loved anyone else before that it terrfies me, I'm scared one day I'll wake up and you won't be beside me anymore, you've made me love myself in ways i never though i would, you made me believe in myself because you believed in me."

{ Headcanons }

After an argument, Armin tries giving both of you space to calm down.

It doesn't last long because he will approach you after and talk about his emotions and explains why he did the things he did. He will also apologise for the things he did wrong like yelling or saying something hurtful.

If you give him the okay, he will instantly hug you. Physical touch is a great comfort for him so don't expect him letting you go anytime soon.

He will hold your face gently, tell you how much he missed you despite it being only hours.

Doesn't even care about the argument anymore or attempt to bring it up, he just wants to make up asap.

You're both gonna have a heartfelt conversation and actually process your emotions together. As a result you two come out stronger and closer after each argument.

He doesn't hold grudges, so he won't ever act passive aggressive after an argument. if he's got a problem he will tell you.

Just 100% honestly and transparency with this golden boy.

Will want to spend more time together post argument, he will really love it if you watch something together or you let him read you something.

Give him love and affaction, he loves you deeply it's actually rare these days.

When you go to sleep on those nights, he will hold you tighter and stroke your back.

He doesn't hold grudges yet he still remembers each fight you had and instead of it being a sour memory, he thinks of it as a learning block. Just a step towards understanding each other more.

Pamper him more after an argument and he will feel so loved, hearts in his eyes as you brush his morning hair.

[borderlinereminders]

You’ve mentioned the “not now, later” approach for ignoring the urge to lash out at people. What do you do when the harmful urge you’re trying to ignore is the urge to ignore somebody and give them the silent treatment? Would the way to ignore that urge be to actively talk to them? Because I feel like I’d just say something hurtful if I did (sorry if this doesn’t make much sense, it’s 4am and I haven’t slept)

Hi anon,

I think everyone is different, but for me personally, forcing myself to talk to someone that I don’t want to talk to for whatever reason is likely to make it worse.

I think it might be worth figuring out why you’re having the urge. Are you upset by something they’ve done? If so, I think when you’re ready, it’s good to talk to them about your feelings. Even if they haven’t done anything wrong and the feelings aren’t necessarily rational (they are still valid even if this is the case) , talking about feelings can help (though I encourage you to reassure them they haven’t done anything wrong if that’s the case).

Sometimes when I feel irrationally upset at something my partner has said/done, I still tell him that. One recent example is I got a fact wrong and he corrected me. And then kept explaining why it was wrong. Rationally, I knew that he just got excited and liked to talk about stuff he knows about. But emotionally, I felt crushed like he was just poking at how I was wrong and rubbing it in. I tried coping myself but my anger/upset just kept growing and I wanted to lash out and/or not talk to him. Eventually I communicated to him that “Hey. I know it wasn’t your intent and you didn’t do anything wrong but I’m feeling insecure. I know you didn’t mean it to come off this way but my brain is being rude and I feel upset you keep pointing out how I was wrong.”

Even though I knew he didn’t mean it like that, I still felt reassured when he told me he didn’t. And he hugged me and I was able to “let go” of the feelings and carry on our conversation.

It’s also valid to take space from people. While giving someone the silent treatment to punish them isn’t great, I think it’s valid to communicate that you need space or that you’re just not in the headspace to talk right now. Also, you don’t owe your energy and it’s okay to stop and figure things out. When my partner and I have argued in the past, I usually end up telling him I need space and that it’s not to punish him, but I need to get my thoughts in order and have a calm discussion when we’re both ready.

If it’s someone you really value in your life, I encourage you to save screenshots of messages from them that made you feel good that you can look back to when you need to.

I think not talking to them when you’re thinking you might lash out if you do is better in this case. If you’re up to it, I recommend the wise mind skill. I wrote a post on it here.

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

Let’s talk: Vlive Asks and comment/chat discussions

From @cottoncandykings​: Hello! As u probably know jimin just went live recently and again he mentioned mandaggo and discussing about doing it with tae. I just find it so weird though. I mean jimin keeps constantly mentioning it and its not like vminnies were begging or dying for a vmin live everyday even before jimin mentioned it last year. Even now most including myself dont really care that much ofc i m happy if they do one together. But the way jimin keeps mentioning it is so weird. Like surely if he wanted to do it so badly he could have talked to tae privately and arranged it by now. And if tae is the one that doesnt want to do it then idk why jimin is pushing it. But what was really weird to me this time was that he said there were lots of comments about mandaggo yesterday in zoom call and yet they didnt mention it yesterday but suddenly today without prompting he talks about it. I also hope no one spammed the zoom call chat or the vlive chat with requests for vmin live (i didnt see any) bcoz thats just unnecessary and demanding. I hope vminnies wont demand/ ask for another memeber when one of them is live. Its just disrespectful. This turned into a rant sorry. Do you think it was weird too?

Since Admin 2 can’t type their thoughts themselves, I’ll relay their thoughts to you instead, since they had more thoughts/opinions/ideas in regard to this than I do, to be honest.

Admin 2 is sure that there is a good chance that we will get a vmin vlive sometime soon, which I know contradicts their original opinion and post from a few months ago, but there’s a reason for it. During the zoom meeting between BTS and ARMY they noticed something I don’t think anyone else noticed, or at least neither of us has seen any vminnies mention it anywhere, which in conjunction with Jimin’s vlive today and saying how he’d talk to Tae about doing a mandaggo vlive again, as well as another observation a little while ago, leads them to this conclusion.

So, the observation from the zoom meeting. Basically at one point when the question of Jimin doing a vlive arose Tae looks at Jimin and then he nods while smiling which in turn makes Jimin smile as he turns away from Tae and back to face toward the camera before answering the question and saying how he’ll come visit us the next day. Which he did.

Then the other observation from a while ago, this one being from their OT7 vlive celebrating their BBH100 #1 on June 29th where at one point Jimin says something but slips into satoori after which Tae encourages him to say that again but this time in the Seoul accent, so the way they actually should speak, which Jimin says isn’t difficult but he doesn’t actually end up repeating what he said.

And lastly in today’s vlive Jimin mentioned how he’s using satoori quite often but that he isn’t all that good at doing it on command or at teaching it to others, which is something he’d have to do for mandaggo but I’m sure he’d manage just fine if the time came for it.

Based on that Admin 2′s thoughts are basically that Jimin really meant it when he said, last year, that he’ll bring Tae around for a vlive, that it wasn’t a joke or a way to tease us with something he knew he wouldn’t be able to deliver, but rather that up until this point they weren’t quite sure how to do it. Which sounds a bit odd, I know, but what they mean is that if vmin were to just sit down in front of the camera and were supposed to just talk based on what the chat would give them, it would likely just turn out awkward and weird and no one, including them, would really have fun. Even more so when we take into account how idiotic the chat is during regular vlives so now imagine if those two were to do one together that’s just a casual chat. It would likely end up in disaster and honestly I wouldn’t wish it upon them to read all those awful comments that they would likely get, even worse ones than they already get normally, to be honest.

But now that the whole satoori thing was brought up, and Jimin actually mentioned mandaggo and wanting to bring it back after so many years, Admin 2 thinks that they must’ve finally figured out a solution to their problem, if you can call it that. Doing mandaggo would basically mean they would have an activity, something to do similar to how they did those ASMR videos for the Japanese Fan Club which were fun and cute, and so Admin 2 thinks that perhaps chances are we will finally get the vlive we’ve waited for so long (though like many others I’ve long given up the idea).

Another confirmation is that during his vlive today Jimin basically said that he only came by for a little while since they are quite busy and had to soon get ready for work with the other members but that he’ll return in two or three weeks for a more proper, longer, vlive. So, he could’ve treated today’s vlive as the promised one but instead he saw it more as a bridging one between the zoom meeting and the proper vlive he wants to do, so is it the farfetched to think that he had proper plans for a vlive, like doing mandaggo, but it just wouldn’t have worked out time wise today so he moved the actual vlive he wanted to make to a later date?

One last thing (well two actually) that has nothing to do with this question but Admin 2 wanted me to include it anyway is that one, have you noticed how Tae and Jimin were both on weverse around 3 am (until almost 4am (also both of them posting a comment to some post at 03:41 am KST)) one after the other (though with one day of a break in between them) recently and then also two, that Jimin was up until like 6 am (since he posted on weverse around that time) on the 8th and then during the zoom meeting Tae answered a question by saying that he’d been awake until 6 am the previous day (also the 8th) since he wanted to see the sunrise? Which is also something an anon mentioned to us. Curious, isn’t it?

From anon: I request both admins to please post this ask. So jimin wwnt live today and one of the accounts on twt posted a screen cap of them commenting 'touch your hair if vmin is real' in the live chat and jimin's reaction to it. Now idk if it is an edit or real. No matter i just want to say its not ok to bring up ships in front of the members no matter which ship it is. We dont know the reality of their relationship so lets not make them uncomfortable. Its not a joke. Its not funny. Be respectful the members are real people.

(Admin 1 taking over from this point onward) This ask nicely ties into the last one that’ll be further down in this post since they cover a similar issue of sorts. But let’s start with this one asking about, essentially, vlive comments and the things fans ask/comment, which also ties in with the above ask as well.

The thing with the vlive chat, and especially comments/questions that are like anon said, questions or “commands/requests” about touch your hair if XYZ ship is real or cough twice if you love XYZ member or, likewise, comments such as where is XYZ member or what are the other members doing, unfortunately those have been a steady and unchanging part of the vlive chat since basically forever. It’s been an issue on and off with different intensities though I feel like it’s gotten worse again this year. Particularly if we look back at the vlive Tae did with Hobi and Yoongi and how essentially the entire chat was filled with comments related to Xkook and not much else.

If my memory doesn’t fail me we once even had a situation some years ago (2016) where the chat during Hobi’s vlive was so bad, as in so full of questions about that other members instead of him, that you could see he was upset about it and eventually he handed over the vlive to Jimin, whom the chat had requested Hobi to visit, and Hobi just left. And I can’t blame him for it since the chat must’ve made him feel like basically no one cared about him so what was even the point of him being there, right?

Personally I’ve long given up looking at the comments during vlive because they just make me cringe and feel bad for the members, especially when I think back to vlives such as Yoongi’s D2 one last year where he was so excited to talk about the songs and the process of making the mixtape and yet so many of the comments were just unrelated nonsense and annoying request like speak english or can you say my name or say hello in XYZ language. If it makes me question why the people posting those questions are in the chat, why they are fans to begin with, imagine what the members must feel like, how discouraging that must feel like. After all they are musicians and yet so rarely do they get questions about that. Or rather they do get them but they are just drowned out by nonsense. Which is a shame. And also very disrespectful but any attempts that were made to remind people to be respectful, to remember their place as fans, to focus on the member that’s doing the vlive instead of asking about the others, and to keep ships away from the members have failed because some don’t care and will continue to not care.

From anon: what are your opinions on the Qs that were asked during that zoom meeting thing between BTS and ARMY?

Now I’d like to preface my answer to this last question by saying that by no means do my grievances come from a place of jealousy or anything. I’m very happy for all the ARMYs that won their spot, that they got to participate in the event and that BTS got to see ARMYs again even if only on screens and not in person still. No, my issue stems from something completely different, and I don’t want to say that the system chose the wrong people, because that would be mean and also who even knows how the winners were chosen, if it was pure luck or there were some actual criteria that went into the process, but the fact is that only a select 200 ARMYs got that spot out of however many that applied, so basically for some this was a once in a lifetime chance, right, even just getting this close to asking Bangtan a question and have really great chances of having them give you an answer while acknowledging you somewhat instead of just seeing pure words on a screen, you know what I mean?

Now imagine you are one of those 200 ARMYs and you get the chance to fill the chat with questions along with the other 49 participants of your session and you decide that asking questions such as what it’s like for Jimin to work as angel, if Namjoon ever broke a bicycle, or why JK smells the crowns of the other members heads? Or even worse, you decide to ask about JKs shower routine and in which order he washes his body? And sure, the “fault” doesn’t fall completely on the ARMYs alone, after all it’s the members who read out those questions and not some magical off screen entity, and since I wasn’t part of the event I can’t say with a hundred percent certainty that no one asked any “proper” questions, but if those were the questions that ended up being read out loud, is it that hard to guess that likely all the questions looked similarly? 

Which brings me to my main grievance of it all: have you forgotten that you are fans of musicians and not reality TV stars or vloggers/influencers? I know there were likely no rules for what questions you could or couldn’t ask (except for probably ones that were 100% about shipping or far too personal), but really, you get to ask your favorite band a question, something you might never, ever get the chance to do again, and your first thought isn’t to ask about their music but instead about some unimportant nonsense like the angel question or if they differentiate between the clothes they wear at home and those they sleep in? Like sure the angel one was kinda funny, maybe, and Jimin handled it in a cute way, I applaud him for it, but was that really necessary?

I know someone asked JK about Decalcomania, as well as Tae about his mixtape, and Yoongi/Jimin about Tony Montana (season 2), but other than that were there any other questions about their music? Perhaps I’m overthinking things, maybe I’m exaggerating and maybe I’m the only one who sees an issue with this, but if I would’ve won a spot, I’d rather have asked something about their process when writing lyrics or creating beats or how they prepare when learning new choreographies, what it’s like to be on tour (though perhaps that would be a mean question seeing as tours aren’t really something that’ll continue being possible for a while still), you get the point.

It makes me wonder if it was just bad luck or if it had something to do with how old the participants were (I saw some being as young as fifteen), which isn’t to say that teens can’t ask smart questions because they definitely can just like adults can ask stupid ones as well, but somewhere something, in my opinion, just went weirdly. And maybe that was the point of it all, for the event to be casual, funny, lighthearted, but my question then is when is the time for music discussions? For fans to ask those types of questions that actually have something to do with the boys careers? When even journalists aren’t asking them proper questions, ARMYs aren’t either, so what is the point of it all then?

Then again, after the event concluded and Seokjin came onto vlive he seemed so happy and excited, so maybe they had fun (I mean they seemed to have fun) and didn’t mind at all that the questions were lighthearted and silly, maybe I’m the one making mountains out of molehills. I don’t know, but anon wanted to know my thoughts/opinions, and this is them. Once again, I don’t mean to be mean toward the ARMYs that got rightfully in, that won, and I don’t want to insult them for the questions they asked, perhaps I just expected/hoped for something a little different? And perhaps I’m the only one. I don’t know. 

[yennie-fer]

1st miscarriage: https://www.deviantart.com/faithwalkers/art/Miscarriage-865213383 2nd miscarriage: https://www.deviantart.com/faithwalkers/art/Miscarriage-The-Lost-Rainbow-888137225 Sharing our whole experience with this 3rd miscarriage. Be warned, compared to other times I have shared this, I have become a very bitter person. I’m very broken so yeah. Be warned. Didn't think I'd make another artwork in regards to this. But here we are. WARNING: There is TMI talk, trigger warnings For those who don’t know, we have lost two babies before this one. These losses are our only offspring. Today, we’re talking about our recent loss: Chily. Reason for that name was the most cravings I had was chilli and tomato stuff. We unfortunately don’t know the gender and I’ll get to that later on. I’m so devastated with this whole thing of not knowing!! 11 weeks!! I should know, right?! Don’t mention surrogate, adoption, ect. I don’t wanna hear it. It’s very inappropriate. If your relative had died, would I tell you to adopt a new one? Get outta here. Surrogate is very triggering for me. All I’d feel is jealousy that I can’t have the bond with a baby that way. I will not be answering those types of comments or messages because I will blow up. So please delete or unsend anything like that. There are other types of treatments, but I rather not think about it right now as seriously, THIS HAPPENED LAST WEEK. Don’t say try again. I really don’t want to think about it this time after having such a horrible experience. AND PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, refrain from saying “I’m sorry” “God needed them.” stuff. It’s so draining at this point. Please don’t come at me about my anger towards God with it all especially if you don’t understand. You have no right to say anything. My reasons are valid. I’m suffering from a lot of trauma. My whole life has been full of it so I can’t even get a break. I am not in the place to have anyone sympathize with me. This is raw feelings of anger and depression. This post is informative for people who may need it or come to understand the depth of it. Anyway… I will share you our experience. Before anything started with the bleeding, I was noticing my pregnancy symptoms were disappearing. Although, it was hard to tell as this was the furthest I’ve been along. There was a 50/50 chance of it being normal and not normal. In my case, it wasn’t normal. I always had it in the back of my mind that this would happen again. Even though I filled the colored boxes per week that “I can do this” I prepared myself for the worst so I could hurt less. I wish that were true as our experience with the ER wasn’t the greatest. I’ll get to that. So the symptoms I’ve noticed disappearing was the sensitivity in my breasts, the morning sickness, and loss of appetite. As a reminder, I have been very anal on taking my baby aspirin and prenatals every day. We don’t know what happened. One day, I told my husband, “This pregnancy is weird. I hardly crave anything.” Before, I had more food aversions but that also had disappeared a little bit too. And there was another incident where I had painful pregnancy diarrhea. I heard that was ok too, but just never know. But after being on the toilet, I touched my belly. The uterus part was sunken in. I don’t remember when that had occurred, but maybe that’s when Chily was dying. So come New Year’s Eve. I was in the mood and it was around 11ish pm. Sorry for the TMI, but we made love. Immediately afterwards, I started bleeding pink blood. So I was like oh, this happened faster. Because last time, I had it. It was normal. I had the ultrasound after the fact. Baby had a strong heartbeat. So before anyone says anything, no, sex didn’t cause this. I had so much blaming on myself with this. I thought it was the cause. I’ll get to that later. Anyway.. so I went to bed… but I woke up at 4AM. Something was off this time compared to last. I had a thick, red clottish thing. It wasn’t a clot, but it was thick blood. So I started panicking. Now, this was when I was starting to figure something was happening. I’ve prayed to God daily to not have me go through it again because I wouldn’t handle it. I prayed for protection of the baby and to have things normally. I guess my prayers were in vain. They always are when it comes to desperately wanting a life to be saved. I’ve learned that when I was 13 years old and lost my sister to cancer. It’s still the same old thing these days. Hard for me to see a miracle… But even then, I was trying to relax. I did my anxiety reducing exercises and it REALLY helped. My cat, Mew, she was acting strange. The strange feeling where she acted like every time a baby was dying. She knew the time I was pregnant to the time baby was dying. So I go to bed, trying to not think about anything. I think both my husband and I were in denial in our own ways. Both our emotions were tense. For the right reasons anyway… I fell asleep and had many nightmares. even before this incident, I’ve dreamt of losing this baby too. I try not to think about my dreams, but sadly, they come true when it comes to miscarriages. I’ve dreamt I was bleeding. I dreamt I was saying it’s happening again. The most vivid dream I’ve had, I was shouting out the window towards the heavens. There was an orange cat there. Not sure if it means anything, but, I screamed to God, “God, Don’t take this one too!!” Then I woke up to mild cramping. It was front to back. The cramps radiated down my legs. I shoulda put myself on bed rest that day (Saturday now), but I saw the blood was turning brown and lighter. Thought it was fine, but it wasn’t. 5PM: I was spotting a bit more brown right onto the pantyliner. I want to tell you, MOST cases brown is normal. HOWEVER, don’t let brown on a pantyliner think things are ok. And then Sunday morning came… Why didn’t I call anyone? Well, the gyno’s closed. Every time this friggin happens, it’s on a weekend!! I can’t believe it… So Sunday morning was when things were turning south and I had no clue. It was still brown, but I wiped and saw mini clots and tissue. I was starting to believe something was wrong, but again, denial. Then it turned bright red. I wanted to not believe it. Then, January 3rd came. January 3rd, the day the miscarriage was starting to commence. I’ve called the gyno first thing in the morning. My anxiety was peaking. They made a note and said to still keep my appointment on the 7th. Come 12PM, I was bleeding thicker with more thick tissue. I was cramping front and back more. Some of the cramps became somewhat severe. I called the gyno. My heart sunk as they told me to go to the ER… This ER experience had been nothing but awful. The wait time was torturous. My pains kept coming and going. It was packed because of COVID cases and other stuff. The beds were filled. It wasn’t like our other times we were there. Last two times, I had priority and went in. An hour later, they did bloodwork and a urine test. The lady came for the urine an HOUR later. So now it was about 3ish. Two more hours of waiting and I’ve started to have contractions. They weren’t as bad as they were with our last miscarriage daughter’s, but it was pretty bad. I went to the bathroom, but nothing there. I thought it was strange how the bleeding was stopping and I was in so much pain… Finally, I heard my last name called in the bathroom. I didn’t bother washing my hands. (I sanitized them as soon as I got into the room) But I couldn’t walk. It was too painful. They grabbed a wheelchair and I was off. In the room, I was able to get into the bed to finally lie back. The waiting room chairs were SO uncomfortable to sit in for hours. And yes, I did take my prenatals and baby aspirin. It didn’t matter at this point. So the doctor came into the room to check it my cervix was dilated. I was in too much pain at this point and said I couldn’t do it. Sadly, my ER doctor had to leave the room and go help a trauma patient. I was already crying a lot because I heard my hCG was at 6000. Now if you look at the charts online for 11 weeks, the hCG is no where near that. Our baby’s levels were going down. I was devastated. </3 So, my husband and I were hopelessly in the room. I groaned and had a heavy need for some painkillers. The contractions sucked. Just like with our last angel baby, I felt a pop. It hurt. Last pregnancy, I had that with our daughter too when going into early labor. I would feel a hot gush of what I thought to be blood coming out of me. “It’s happening…!” I cried out, remembering the awful feeling of losing our two other babies. Our first one, Jellybean, the water didn’t break. I just massively soaked a pad in seconds. I thought that happened with our daughter and this one. But I finally figured it out it was indeed my water breaking… I was confused, at first, to see no massive blood. Like I was with Rosalina (our daughter)… so I went to touch down there to see. Clear, watery liquid. It soaked my panties. “I think..my..water broke…” i stammered to my husband. More denial. I can’t remember when but they gave me throw away underwear to put on a new pad. Practically useless for later on. And then, I felt like I hadda pee pretty badly. He helped me to the bathroom and I locked the door. I wished I didn’t go alone because I didn’t think this would happen. I tried to pee, but I’ve felt pressure. A lot. It actually stopped my urine stream. This was a first for me. But I had that familiar feeling when I passed our daughter at home. I hated to do this in the hospital bathroom!! I took the toilet paper as a futile attempt to catch what I thought was the sac. (It was the placenta WITHOUT the baby but I found out later on.) So My hands were soiled in blood. Blood was all over the floor. I felt helpless as i cried, seeing what was in my hand. I saw something else in the toilet and wanted to see if that was our baby. I kept calling for my husband like an idiot. The door was locked and I was tempted to press emergency. But I motioned myself slowly to the door. Using my elbow to open it. Thankfully, the bathroom was right next to my room. I was panicking as I needed someone to salvage whatever was in the toilet. I was given a glove to dig in the toilet. All I saw was a clot… But I feel like I should have look more thoroughly. I dunno if I had flushed the baby down the toilet. It’s still friggin haunting me because I really wanted to see the baby somehow. this was one of the parts where I thought I might have passed Chily. And so, I was taken back to the room. The throw away underwear was getting soaked. I was getting so much pain. Took forever for them to bring me the pain medication. At this point, I’ve had no food nor water for awhile now. They didn’t even put fluid IV in me. Which would have been friggin nice. I was severely dehydrated. The last two hospital visits for our previous losses, they had given me IV. Anyway, so the nurse came in and she discovered I had no IV for my medication. You can see how very chaotic and disorganized the ER was. It was a nightmare so I can kinda not fully blame them for some stuff with the chaos. But the IV was put in my upper arm. I was kinda scared since I never had it up THAT high before. It hurt, but it wasn’t so bad. What freaked me out was my arm was turning friggin purple from the band. I was freaking out to have it removed. So she did. My dang hand was looking a little shriveled up. They gave me three meds. One for nausea. One for inflammation. And friggin morphine. Look, I have never taken morphine in my life and I hated it. I felt very confused and hot. It made my anxiety rose. It was a rush. I hated it. Wouldn’t do it again. We were told the ultrasound was going to be brought to us, but it wasn’t… So the door was kinda creaked opened and I saw the bathroom across our room wasn’t cleaned. Felt bad for this guy who walked into it to see my blood massacre in there. Just to hear him say, “Omg…” I had a clot trying to come out, but it was stuck. They put a bowl underneath me for me to pee and push it out. I couldn’t. I couldn’t pee at all as there was like a blockage. i was finally wheeled to the ultrasound room and I was pushing. Just nothing. Morphine made my pain go away, but I still would never do it again. So I went into the ultrasound room. Got onto the bed and something came out of me. The lady wouldn’t lemme look to see if it was baby or not. I dunno why the frig she didn’t. Like what would hurt if I were to evaluate it myself?? So she phoned the doctor to come look. She was the good doctor who was always honest and kind. I wished she was around to do the whole thing honestly. She told me it was a clot and that’s all. So she left me with the ultratech lady. Did topical ultrasound and she said there was huge clots inside me. She had me use the bathroom to push it out. This was where she was helpful. She had taught me how to breathe and stuff to release the clots. SO MUCH came outta me. Now, I dunno if baby was among it all… she set up a toilet bowl thingy to catch everything. I had large clots that were size of a lemon and other sizes. She reassured (lied) to me that she would have the doctor come in to evaluate to see if baby was in there. She had no containers in the room to move it to the next room. I hated it because she was nice and I friggin fell for it. I did a pelvic ultrasound and pain wasn’t so bad with it. She had to see if there’s anything leftover. Return to the room with my husband in it… a couple hours later, the doctor came to get me discharged. I’m like wait… what about the stuff in the room? What about the baby?! A look of confusion washed over her face. Wow. Guess what? Ultratech person didn’t tell her anything. The doctor didn’t evaluate it, the ultratech lady DID. Why did she when she needed the doctor to look at the big clot yet she thought to look herself?! Even when I told my gyno on the phone, they seemed surprised they didn’t gather anything over there. So I gave myself a lot of self-blame from that. I wished I could have looked more thoroughly or even myself in the ultrasound room. I’ve talked to my therapist so she made me feel better about that. When going through something traumatic, it’s understandable. We finally got discharged around 11PM after being there for 10 hours. Went without food and water for 5 hours. So recovery from Tuesday-Thursday had been rough. Not many know how someone is able to recover after a miscarriage. You still bleed, have pain and very weak. I’ve had peeing issues because of being severely dehydrated. My blood sugar was low. Everything with that is ok now. January 6 was the worst day. I was having so much pain. I’ve passed more clots and tissue. We’d like to believe the tissue is the baby because it looked similar. So maybe it was or not. I’m going with was because it helped give us more closure. Anyway, recovering sucked. I could hardly move. Using the bathroom hurts like someone stabbing my butt. I can’t do dishes, laundry and other simple things. My husband and I get overwhelmed with it. He has work to do and I understand that. Our friend has been great. He had vacuumed our house and did the dishes. So very thankful for him. A lot of people who hadn’t been through it doesn’t think about that stuff. Well, now I’m telling you. It’s easy to say you’re here to talk to us, but when it comes to needing help with things, the harsh reality is you’re alone. I don’t like asking for help. Not at all. Maybe it’s the fact I wanted people to awful as I’m sinking into postpartum depression and feel ashamed. But yeah, don’t feel guilted into helping just because I have addressed it. Again, this is a informative post. If you ever have a friend who goes through a MC, I can’t stress it enough they would need help in a physical way. Anyway… so my update for January 7th So they're doing bloodwork on my husband and I to see if there's any problems between us... they want me to go back on birth control after my first period were to come. And then they will do 3D ultrasound on my uterus to also see it there's a uterus issue. They brought up adoption if there's actually no hope so I dunno. I don't have to do weekly bloodwork. I'd have to do a pregnancy test hCG is done to see if it's negative then start birth control pill when period starts. The bloodwork they’re doing is chromosome (for both of us) and lupus (me). The 3D ultrasound will be done after my first period. It will see if my uterus is abnormally shaped… or if there’s any other issues causing it. They will check for blood issues. I dunno. I am feeling sad even though they're trying to get to the bottom of this and I feel like my body's so broken...and just mentioning adoption I dunno anymore. They figured since the last baby had genetic issues, this one did too. And the first one didn't form properly. And the gyno asked me if I still have the pregnancy tissue and she said she could take it but they're already at the funeral home so that made me cry too. We don’t have answers yet. But we will… in time. Sigh. So I hope whoever reads this is more informed. This isn’t fun and I already feel the postpartum depression hitting me. I’m trying to fight my mind and it’s rough. And if anyone is insensitive, I will block you. Not sorry. In conclusion… Even though we never found out Chily’s gender, we still love them whether they were a girl or boy. :( I really felt they were a she. But we don’t know. Sorry, there’s a lot of emotional conflict in this whole post. And please help me to know what to do with postpartum depression. It’s already hitting me. Thanks for reading. Here's the brutal part of the story. IF YOU WANT THE RAW DETAILS OF THE STORY. IT IS GRAPHIC SO BE WARNED: https://community.whattoexpect.com/forums/ttc-pregnancy-after-a-loss/topic/not-sure-if-this-is-the-end-for-our-ttc-journey-heres-our-miscarriage-story-127285325.html

Video: https://www.tiktok.com/@yenniefer/video/7052444082894867759

[peculiar-shardscape]

So mini update: As I said in my last post, I just got out of quarantine! Unfortunately that took up HALF of my 2week holiday meaning that was a massive waste of doing nothing all week

Usually I’m on my PC which has all my stuff in it, but it was outside of my quarantine zone and I couldn’t move it to where I was, so I had to substitute with my brother’s Surface Pro (which insanely sucks compared to my computer by the way) for the meanwhile. It was stressful and the most I could do drawing-wise was Aggie doodles and about 3 actually decent drawings that I managed for Artfight

Quarantine unmotivated me an insane amount. I promised to do 1 artfight attack per day but quarantine made me insanely miserable I only managed 3 attacks in about 8 days. I intend on doing MUCH more for the rest of July now that I’m back up on my feet!

I promised the gasa4 fans I’d recontinue my gasa4 askblog @4am-snackers-askblog . More info should be the most recent (not pinned) post about that, but after Artfight, I hope to get that back and going

I ALSO promised I’d return to my IV!AU project after Artfight, so that’s two stuff down. I am working with 2 other folkz who are also participating in Artfight and I hope to give them as much time as they need, so it’s going to be pretty slow from here. Here’s the discord server if you’d like to check on this project anytime!

Another thing, I mentioned a post or two ago I was working on some Phightingverse stuff. This is more of a For Fun sort of thing that is meant for anyone but also as personal enjoyment. Phighting! is a major fixation of mine currently and the reason I barely post much about it is because. 95% of my Phighting! content is all OC based. Not canon to the game itself at all. This is mainly because the game itself has pretty much 0 lore to it as of now and so as said before, it’s just a personal fixation

Again, IRL stuff. Now I’m out of quarantine, I’m immediately stuck back at work because my family kind of suck and so that’s kind of one big negative of being back out of quarantine. Also like I said before, I have only one week of holidays left and I’m back to school again so we also have that

Obviously I’m a very busy guy. I’m tired, half miserable, but I’m keeping up best to my abilities! It means a lot that you all care about me and I appreciate the concerns and patience! I love yalls lot! Hope not to let you guys down in the future!!

[caliwashere]

SHE’S BACK | TGKDN SPOILERS up to Ch 40

Cali’s Note: Hey all! I’ve been super busy graduating and everything so I stopped posting but that doesn’t mean I abandoned TGKDN or anything. I’ve been reading and rereading all the chapters while waiting for the author to finally update!

Context: Tsukuyo Hiyori is from a jjkxoc (additional add-ons: dad!gojoxoc, yutaxoc, megumixoc) fic called Tsuki Ga Kirei Desu Ne (TGKDN). It’s linked in my bio in case anyone wants to read it. I don’t own her or TGKDN! I’m just a fan! I heavily recommend those who haven’t read TGKDN to read it. It’s made me cry from the angst chapters to scream into my pillow at 4am from adorable romance (fluff) moments or from laughing my a** off. I personally don’t have anything i can say i dislike about it and the grammar/spelling + sequencing of events is good too like actual novel-worthy (but the author is kind of like Gege 2.0 and she scares me with her unpredictability)

Anyways, on to my discussions that a surprising few of you actually read! I’ve seen all the messages thanking me for introducing TGKDN to y’all but tbh u should be thanking the author not me cuz she’s the one who writes it! 

Spoilers below!

YALL AFTER ALL THOSE CHAPTERS WITHOUT HIYORI CONTENT, SHES FINALLY BACK!

-Her entrance was just *chef’s kiss*

-She’s so dramatic (she def gets it from gojo i swear) and the way it started off with Tsuki trolling them was funny af 

-Tsuki still remains one of my favorite characters but i wish there was more tsuki content 

-not junpei being the only sane person there (plz the way he just got more and more confused by both hiyori and yuji)

- megumi better run cuz nobara is out for blood 

- lowkey not even his fault cuz he never said she was dead, they just assumed she was cuz he kept saying she was “gone”

- ok but not hiyori having a couples vacation with yuta while we were all sobbing and panicking over her possibly being dead (author better be feeding us some tsukuokko content soon! i want to know what happened in africa!)

-hiyori seems the same as she was back in her first year (well surface level anyway from what’s been witnessed in chapter 40)

-i was reading her profile again and i noticed that the author mentioned hiyori not carrying her katana anymore (what’s up with that? im confused. i feel like that has significance but idk what)

NOT THE AUTHOR SPINNING A WHEEL TO DETERMINE HOW SHE’S GONNA TORTURE US NEXT?!

-Y’all i swear if a spinny wheel is what ends up being the reason why one of my favs die, imma flip (and cry alot)

-as much as i love yuta and all tsukuokko content, i rlly want to see more on hiyori’s relationships with the other characters especially maki and megumi since the first main arc (jjk 0 timeline) was mainly in yuta’s point of view so there was a lot of stuff not mentioned like hiyori’s role in the juju society and stuff (can we talk about how amazingly well the author writes unreliable narrators and pov switching? its fucking amazing)

- tsukuyo hiyori = certified badass

- now that she’s back then that means she’s most likely going to be in japan during the shibuya arc (i can’t wait to see what goes down but im also scared)

- waiting for more kazuha info still cuz why is this little kid so mysterious??

- I want to see sukuna and hiyori meet OR sukuna and tsuki ( i feel like those interactions would be rlly funny)

- ok but what’s this tree and why is she going to sendai??

- can we talk about how hiyori is starting to act more and more like gojo but with a blend of geto and shoko into it too (u can tell she grew up around those three cuz she has a mix of all of their personalities mainly gojo and geto’s)

- that photo of hiyori for chapter 40 (she could step on me and i would thank her)

- plus all those photos in the image gallery for her profile too!

- she’s so hot.

- i’d choose her over yuta and megumi ngl (sorry not sorry)

- i wonder how megumi will react when he finds out hiyori is already taken

- nobara seems to be a fan of hiyori so i wonder how their first interaction will be

- i’m surprised no one knew hiyori was back until she came back (then again maybe the “she” referred to at the end of the chapter isn’t even hiyori but someone else)

- will hiyori kill mahito? what will happen during junpei’s MORPHIN’ TIME? will she be there or is she gonna still be in sendai and find out after?

[zet-sway]

@the-wip-project day 35:

I don't know what today's question is but I gotta write a wall of text about what happened last night because holy shit

I was on the verge of falling asleep and, like I usually do, I decided to hunt for some spicy fanfics to read on my phone. I found one.

All my posts are long but this one is real fucking long. CW for touching on dub-con and injury mentioned in the type of context it probably shouldn't be.

It's time for me to admit that not only am I a oneshot writer, I'm also a oneshot reader. I am drawn to short fanfics. If I click on a chaptered fic, it's (usually) because it's rated E for smut and I'll go in with every intention of skimming it for the spicy bits. I'm not proud of this. I've avoided saying this for years because I don't want to disappoint people who work hard on their very long and well thought out chaptered stories. I have a short attention span, and I know what I want.

But anyway, last night I clicked on a fic with 5 chapters and some amount of words, around 30k? Long, by my standards, but I was tired and I just wanted something to read while I dozed off.

This particular fic hooked me in, though. I still skimmed it, but the writing was so unique in a way that made me writhe with writer's envy and admiration. Whoever wrote this had their own language - nothing borrowed - their own vision.

I guess I should tell the good people who read my posts (ya'll, seriously, thank you) that the fic in topic is called Fault Lines by Recidiva on AO3. I would link to it but uhhhh I may be using my work PC for "extracurricular purposes" right this moment ^^; so maybe when I get home I'll remember to add it.

I skimmed it - like I said above - for the spicy parts. It generally follows the plot of Bioware's canon. Thane begins as possessive and manipulative, likely uncomfortably close to dub-con for a lot of people. He kisses her and knows full well that his kiss will make her willing but intoxicated, and how he will use that to fulfil himself. But as the story progresses, he falls in love. Their relationship is what I'll call "edgy." Both of them are renegades. There's a scene where they get down in the shuttle after a fight and they're both still injured and it borders on downright unrealistic but fuck it, it's fanfic and I bought it. However their relationship develops a certain heart-wrenching tenderness. She asks him what Siha means over and over again, and eventually tells him she thinks "bitch" when he says it. But in that moment they have a playful banter, he knows full well she's probably already looked it up on the extranet, and they fall into bed together. The smut is mind-boggling.

By the time it gets to Shepard's arrest, he's taken up a place on Earth and visits her, breaks into her house arrest. There's a scene where they see each other for the first time in a while, she tells him how much she's missed his mouth and how it's not right how bad she wants him, and wants him bad enough to smother him with affection. She says something to the effect of "if you're looking to die, I'd volunteer to be the cause," implying that her lust is powerful enough to endanger his life. And it was at this moment I realized I fucked up.

It's established that I live in my own headcanon and I'm not burdened with considering the end of Thane's life as part of my fics. And the suspension of disbelief was such that I forgot he doesn't make it. So at this moment in the fic, chapter 4 out of 5, I realized "Oh shit this isn't going to have a happy ending." I skipped to the end right away, I wanted to confirm my fears.

In their final exchange, she asks him to lie to her - something that's repeated in other chapters of the story. I forget what he says, I was reading desperately, but he asks her in return to tell him something true. She kisses him and tells him she loves him, and he breathes his last breath with the lingering tingle of their kiss to carry him to the other side.

I was so entrenched in the depth of their relationship up to that point. The level of fathomless love the author conveyed, unlike anything I've ever managed to write before, but more realistic to my own understanding of love as I've experienced it. Not because they're renegades, but just the selflessness with which they feel, communicate, banter, and make love.

When I read that last paragraph, something inside me broke. That sounds dramatic but that's honestly how I would describe it. It felt like waking up from a night terror, when you bolt up in bed from a dream so bad you immediately get up even if it's 4am because nothing feels real and you're so terrified you have to get up and do something - literally anything to take your mind off it, to ease you back into reality. I put my phone down and stared into the darkness of my bedroom and told myself "it's just a fanfic, no need to get upset." And then I started to cry and I didn't stop for 30 minutes.

My husband was downstairs watching Bohemian Rhapsody and I went down there and wrapped myself around him so tight and cried. Bless this man, from the bottom of my heart - bless him - for his unfathomable kindness. I felt like a fucking fool because I was crying over fanfiction but he paused his movie and just listened while I tried to articulate how it wasn't exactly about the character death, or the characters at all, it was just the writing and how it wormed into my brain so convincingly. I felt the loss like it was my own loss. I am terrified of losing my husband. So many feelings coalesced and I realized one day I may be in that situation, kissing the man I love goodbye for the last time, never to hold him again. I'm at work right now and I'm tearing up because it's so hard.

I tip my hat to the author, but I genuinely wished I hadn't read that fanfic. And isn't it kind of funny after that grandstand I took yesterday about not wanting to write the pain of loss and grief, that I ended up reading it instead and probably fucking myself up just as badly, if not worse, than if I had tried to write it myself?

It gets worse, too. Because it got me thinking about my own writing, and how I could never hope to achieve what that author did. So I sat there crying out my painfeelings while simultaneously feeling like a shit writer and like nothing I put out matters. I got up from the couch, sat down at my PC and picked up where I left off in the Omega DLC in ME3 because video games are great for taking the mind off things. It didn't exactly help with the intensity I'd hoped for, but I managed to fall asleep, by 3am.

Fast forward to this morning. I dragged my sorry ass out of bed 4 hours later and drove to work. By some fucking miracle, no one is here right now except our field director. And I'm stewing in how this one fic really fucked me up bad, reconsidering everything. I feel like I've been put in my place.

So what changed?

Yesterday I posted about how I'm struggling to write a plotline. I know what happens, but I'm not interested in the little bits that tie it together. I want to write the romance. I think there's a way to write the plot and the romance at the same time, but it's damn hard.

I started doing this because I wanted to grow my skills as a writer, and I knew it might be more than I could chew. I'm at that moment now where I'm about ready to give up.

Even if I felt like a shit writer last night (and still kinda do this morning), I know that the stuff I've put out has value. We can't all write these epically tragic smut-romance-renegades-to-lovers tales, we'd all be sad all the damn time. There's a time and a place and - I would argue - even a need for lighterhearted fic out there. There are really no rules. I'm confident in what I know how to do.

But the plot. Fuck it, man. I think maybe I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not. I'm trying really hard to write like other people. I may have mentioned before that I saw a post about how many artists spend their time pining for the skills of others, thinking "wow, when I can draw like that, I'll have made it as an artist." That same post cautioned against this, basically saying you already have your own unique style, it's just harder to see through the lens of your own eyeballs. It's fine to challenge yourself but try to acknowledge what you do that sets you apart already. I feel like I have that something - maybe not to the extent that I wish, but I have something.

So what's the point of the plot? Why do I need to tell my readers how I cured Keprals? I'm asking myself important questions here. I like to think I've come up with ideas that no one else has, but as I said above, I don't read a lot of chaptered fics. I very well may have come to the same ideas as other writers and I'm not even aware of it. I don't know if my ideas are unique but I still arrived at them all by myself.

The challenge here - the thing I'm struggling so much with - is how to put them together with the same elegance of my fellow writers. I'm looking at you, shrios fam (yeah I'm calling you that, yall know who you are). I know I can write words, but it's like I have a bunch of pieces from completely different jigsaw puzzles and I'm struggling to make a new picture out of them. I struggle with the transitions between them.

The point here is I have to find my own way. And I have to stop taking myself so seriously. In fact this level of "seriousness" is one of the things that got me into so much angst over World of Warcraft over the last two years. At least I know how to recognize it.

I have to find my own way. I have my own things that are worth sharing. The author I read last night had a language all their own, and I have a language all my own too. Their wordplay was actually more choppy than I would ever write. I've talked before about how I'm scared of starting too many sentences with pronouns, how I maybe write too many run-on sentences, whatever. This author did that with reckless abandon. It worked for them. So if they can make that shit work, I can make my own shit work.

I have to find my own way.

My most current WIP is Thane and Shepard's first time. I've been working on it pretty nonchalantly because I hadn't intended to publish it until I built up to it. It takes place further into my timeline, and it would probably ruin the point of a slow burn if I put it out there now. There are some really memorably moments in this WIP, and there are other moments that need to be smoothed over as well. I never knew what I'd really imagined for their first time but I think I've mostly developed something that's unique in its own right, and I think will be fun for people to read.

I'm just so fucking torn over what to do with it. I feel guilty for working on it. I should be writing "other shit" leading up to it but I don't fucking want to. I actually wrote probably 2-3k words this weekend, which is a pretty staggering amount by my standards. Some of it was for this smutty WIP and some was for something I just threw together, Thane observing Shepard on Horizon and the emotional toll it takes on her. He's seeing her humanity. I don't know if it's worth it to continue but I wrote a lot of it and the words are more precise than usual for a draft, I don't know. I have so much fucking insecurity. Fuck dude. I want to write this longfic, but I don't want to write it. I want to skim to the spicy bits like I always do.

I am wracked with insecurity, of my own making. I know what I can do but I feel compelled to see this idea through. Somehow I have to find my own way.

TLDR I feel like if I don't publish something soon I'm going to burst and I don't even know what the fuck to work on first and fjslfjsojoiejrj

I would be really down for, like, a bunch of hugs and a bowl of ice cream shared over memes and fanservice.

[tsarisfanfiction]

21 Asks: Fanfiction Q&A

Well I got tagged by @onereyofstarlight @gumnut-logic and @janetm74 for this, so here goes (answering on fic blog, because... fic!)

This is going to take a while, but it’s also going to be fun, so let’s get started :D

1. What fandoms have you written for?

Uhh... several.  In alphabetical order because that makes my brain happy, we have:

Published: Bleach, Boku no Hero Academia (My Hero Academia), D.Gray-Man, Detective Conan, Flight Rising, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Märchen Awakens Romance (MÄR), Mortal Instruments, Naruto, One Piece, Team Fortress 2, Thunderbirds, Twilight.

WIPs (Unpublished): Avatar: The Last Airbender, Dragon Orb, Flame of Recca, HunterXHunter, Inuyasha, Jojo’s Bizarre Adventures (Part 7/Steel Ball Run), Kuroko no Basuke (Kuroko’s Basketball), MI High, Yu-Gi-Oh (Duel Monsters, GX, 5Ds), Yuri On Ice

A couple of those are only because of crossovers... which we’ll get to later.  Similarly, a bunch of the unpublished I have no plans to publish, but I’ve written them so they count in my head.

2. How many works do you have on AO3 &/or FFNet?

AO3: 150 FFN: 149 (the difference is due to a co-authored fic with @lenle-g on AO3, because FFN doesn’t support co-authorship)

(Tumblr has many more because so many of those fics are actually fic collections)

3. What are your top 3 fics by kudos on AO3 &/or favs on FFNet?

AO3 Kudos:

Tales From The Heart (1449)

The Combat School (524)

Succor (348)

FFN Favourites:

The Combat School (681)

Tales From The Heart (185)

Succor (136)

4.  Which 3 fics have the least kudos & favs?

AO3 Kudos:

Wishes of the Dark (0)

4am Forever / Leave Out All The Rest (2)

FFN Favourites:

A Little Fall of Rain / He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother, Leave Out All The Rest / See You In The Sky / Stolen Shadows all have 0

5. Which Fic has the most comments and which has the least?

AO3 Comments:

Tales From The Heart (618)

37 have 0

FFN Reviews:

The Combat School (608)

After Sundown / Heroes Made of Gas / Splatter / Stolen Shadows (0)

6. Which complete fic do you wish had gotten more attention?

I mean, I always like attention :P  That’s a hard question because my fandoms vary wildly in size, so for example, while Tales is one of my most popular fics, it’s still pretty tiny in comparison to the big One Piece fics out there, but ones like Grounded numerically barely rate while actually getting the attention of a much larger proportion of the fandom.

Honestly the fic that’s getting less of a response than I’d hoped is still incomplete... but I think I’ll go with Vulnerabilities.  It’s an older fic, and a drabble collection rather than a cohesive story, but it never really got any traction.

7. Have you written any crossovers?

Ah yes, crossovers.  I’ve got three published at the moment:

The Combat School (Harry Potter/D.Gray-Man)

Vampire vs. Shinobi (Naruto/Twilight)

Stolen Shadows (Flight Rising/Thunderbirds)

As far as WIPs go, I have (who knows when or if I’ll actually finish or post these):

Alliance (Naruto/Team Fortress 2)

Black Phoenix (Harry Potter/D.Gray-Man)

Legend of the Exorcists (D.Gray-Man/Yu-Gi-Oh/GX/5Ds)

Untitled (Avatar: The Last Airbender/Thunderbirds)

Untitled (Inuyasha/Lord of the Rings)

8. What is the craziest fic you’ve written?

What even counts as crazy?

Okay, I say that, but Vampire vs. Shinobi is a stupid, Twilight-bashing, parody crossover thing so.  Probably that.

9. What’s the fic you’ve written with the saddest ending?

Ahaha.  There are a few.  All of these have MCD warnings (two are canonical), two of which are suicide, so watch out if you’re poking around:

Deception (canon)

I Promised

The Fish and the Mermaid

The Light That Shines Twice As Bright... (suicide)

Torture (suicide)

Unwanted

Whirlwind (canon)

10. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Tsari likes positive endings.  I’m not actually sure what the happiest is, though.  I often write... hopeful, rather than happy?  The happiest I can think of... is a WIP that I have the ending planned for but that’s spoilers~

I’ll go with Riding the Dragon, I think.  But honestly just take your pick out of the family fluff.

11. What is your smuttiest fic?

Tsari does not post smut.  She has written some, she has not posted it and will keep it that way.

Out of the posted stuff... there is kissing in Briefings?

12. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I think when you hit 100+ fics, you’re lucky if you don’t.  I’ve had a few here and there, but they’re ignorable

13. What is the nicest comment you’ve received?

Oh boy.  I have had many nice comments, but I am going to highlight this one in particular because it’s the one that forever and always springs to mind when I get asked this:

Wow. That was pretty great. You writing managed to keep everyone in character, and still kept the story from falling flat. It's almost as if you stole a page from Cassie's story, and stuck it here. I really want to see more from you.

On: A Tradition of Pride

It’s nowhere near the longest I’ve got, and long comments make me super happy, but this one?  Being told it fits in with the original book?  Makes me beam like an idiot every time.

14. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

[insert eyeroll here]

I have had fics reposted, yes.  Tales From The Heart and Whirlwind have both found themselves posted on sites I don’t use - I managed to get Tales taken down, but the site hosting Whirlwind isn’t paying me any attention.

15.  How many fics do you have marked as incomplete?

Nine, which is both too many and not as many as I thought.  Although if you ignore the collection fics - Tales From The Heart and Behind The Scenes, which are basically eternal wips - it’s seven.

16. Which of the WIPS will most likely be finished first?

Just A Bruise, because it’s already just about finished, @lenle-g and I just need to tie up the final chapter and editing the rest of it before it’s posted.

17. Which WIP are you looking forward to finishing?

Long Way From Home, because it’s going to be huge and finishing that will feel amazing.  But it’s going to take a long time.

18. Is there a WIP that you’re considering abandoning?

Nope.  I will, one day, finish all of them.  Yes, even Uchiha Itachi.

19. Which complete fic would you consider rewriting?

Complete?  None.  However, the above mentioned Uchiha Itachi is being (very slowly) rewritten - and is actually on its second rewrite - because it pains me in its current state.

20. Which complete fic is your favourite?

Asking the hard questions I see.  I have a soft spot for In Your Shadow, I admit, although I have several fics that I love (mostly my Military Bros stuff...).  Also Tales, although that’s technically not “Complete”.

21. What’s your total published word count?

AO3: 956,962 (I aim to break 1 million by the end of the year... just watch me!)

FFN: 1,102,070 (FFN counts author’s notes, AO3 does not)

If someone is brand new to your writing, what work would you want them to start with to get to know you, your style, what you’re all about?

This is not a numbered question, I see, but it was on the post I copied these from, so I guess this is 21+1 questions!

I’ve answered this before, and honestly I think I’d stick with the same answer - Black Widow.  It’s not my biggest fandom.  It’s not my most recent work.  But it does contain a lot of playing around canon without breaking it.

Although, if someone has the time, Tales From The Heart does great for showcasing the range of things I write.  But that’s also 250+ chapters, so probably not a good one to start with.

And this is where I tag people, yes?  Not entirely sure who’s been tagged already, but let’s go with @lenle-g @ak47stylegirl @thetwelvecaesars @gaviiadastra @willow-salix @scribeofred