#I don’t know I love this account I am just unfunny

[sage-lights]

Hey, first off I want to say thank you for creating a space where we can have a respectful but honest discussion about everything that’s been going on with smosh. I just want to put something put there regarding Olivia. I’m not excusing her in any way, but I find it interesting how people bash her for things that other smosh members have done without receiving the same amount of criticism.

A lot of people are calling Olivia ableist, and she may well be, we don’t have anything to go off of apart from the handicapped spot l, but declaring that based only on the parking spot thing from who memed it seems unfair. First of all, while not an excuse, Olivia seemed to be trying to play up the clueless persona she has established and in doing so dug herself deeper into a hole the more she spoke. I actually saw the clip before they edited it out, and it seemed that she tried to make a joke, albeit an unfunny and insensitive one, but that does not necessarily make her ableist. Smosh’s pathetic attempt to cover it up by editing out the clip and deleting comments speaks more to how the company tends to sweep things under the rug. Also, it was mentioned in a funeral roast that Courtney has also parked in the handicapped spot in the smosh parking lot, which relatively few people have called them out on compared to Olivia.

I love Tommy, but in one TNTL he made a quadriplegic joke that he acted out that involved stiff limbs and head head lolling to the side, which no one had a problem with. Maybe it’s not the same, but it stood out to me. There is also the infamous OCD reddit stories, and while there was justifiable backlash, Shayne, Chanse, and Kimmy didn’t have people calling them out specifically as being ableist after the initial backlash and the fandom as a whole seems to have forgiven and forgotten.

Moving away from ableism, other cast members have said questionable things, such as Keith defending michael jackson on an old SmoshCast episode. I feel like if we call Olivia out on her bullshit (as we should) we should extend the same standards to the rest of smosh.

Regarding zionism (Free Palestine, always) Olivia is not the only person from smosh to say something in support of Israel on October 7. It’s not an excuse, but many of them may not have known the full story. American media on that day basically reported it as “terrorists attacked innocent people” and while that is a load of bs, without context, I can see how people might believe it. Again, I am not defending Olivia or any other smosh member who has stayed silent since then, I am only pointing out that people tend to jump to conclusions when it comes to Olivia while letting her cast mates off the hook for similar things. N*ah of course is a different situation I don’t want to get into here, this os long enough.

Again, I am not justifying Olivia’s actions and I am not saying we should not hold her accountable. I just wanted to point out the discrepancies between holding different smosh members accountable.

Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to hear your thoughts. Thank you!

hi anon! thank you for sending this! yeah, i don’t think i called olivia ableist in my post, and i apologize if i did. what she said did cause quite the stir but i completely forgot that part about courtney in the funeral roast too. after these past couple days, i have overall mixed feelings about olivia and i don’t think i’m going to avoid her in videos but you’re right, a lot of the cast has made some mistakes and said/done questionable things. i try to believe the best in people because again, we don’t know them irl but it’s the company/brand of smosh that i begin to get a little cynical about because businesses can be so okay with being gray most the time (if that makes sense).

and yeah, i agree with what you said about keith too. i’m not a fan of how he chooses to ignore all the bad that michael jackson has done so that he can keep idolizing him. but also, i’ve just never really been that big of a fan or keith (or noah) from the beginning.

again, really appreciate you leaving this long ask! the reason why i make posts about smosh and palestine (plus other discourse) is because it’s such tricky territory to navigate as fans. thank you to you (and everyone else) for sharing your thoughts and extra info!

[mbti-ramblings-and-whatnot]

You know you’re having a good time when you (INFP) and your cousin (ISFP) both take a 100 question mbti test and are both told you’re INTJs (my results below, hers were similar)

[blacksheep28]

Star Stable Drabble

A drabble based on questlines for SSO

Justin tracks me down after a few days and tells me that his father wants to meet me and give me the proper welcome he hadn't been able to give before. I meet up with Mr Moorland walking through the stables. He gives me a big smile. His hands are calloused and his eyes are warm. As he greets me and wishes me a great time at the stables it's easy to see who he is. He's a hard working man who cares far more than used to be alright to admit to. He would give everything for his horses and family, and genuinely does his best to make sure that everything here goes smoothly. It's a delight to be somewhere with such a man in charge.

Then he finds a piece of paper and curses. The company, GED, is sending surveyors onto his land to start preparing for building. It's not legal, they don't have Mr Moorland's permission, but they're doing it anyway claiming that the land belongs to Silverglade and that they're in negotiations to purchase the land. Mr Moorland owns the land, he bought it himself, but he can't find the deed.

He asks for volunteers to find the surveyors and get them off his land. It doesn't take even a moment before I'm volunteering to help get rid of the surveyors and mess up anything they might have done. I am not going to lose this place to company greed, not when I have my horse and can see this place as somewhere I can fit into.

It's nerve wracking riding out there with Mythcare. The hills are soft around here and I love it. At the same time I can't stop thinking about the surveyors I'm looking for and what I'm going to do. It's a jolt through me as I find them and get rid of their stuff. They aren't impressed by a little girl on her horse, but I manage to stand my ground and make sure that the survey equipment is taken. They aren't happy with me, but they can't do anything. Not with Moorland Stables in the legal grey area it is. It's a rush like nothing else as I see them off muttering in frustration. I'm going to make sure they can't come back! I'll help Mr Moorland find that land deed!

He finally decides to ask his old accountant. She retired a decade ago, and just from being around Mr Moorland I'm positive she's what kept this entire stable running. Mr Moorland's a hard worker with a lot of heart, but he doesn't seem to have any head for the necessary paperwork. He probably has been getting by brute forcing it.

Mr Moorland's pretty sheepish about the entire thing, so he asks if I'd be willing to go ask Mrs Holdsworth about it. Her home is a cozy little thing tucked near the stables, looking plucked right out of a cottage core story. It's beautiful, the kind of home I would love to have for myself. Mrs Holdsworth herself manages to simultaneously come across as a doting grandmother wanting to share tales and fresh baked cookies, and competent enough to run the entire county by herself. She doesn't, but she definitely has that air to her. She probably knows everything about everything around here.

"The land deed? Old Jasper has it. Catherine and Thomas gave it to him to hold onto when they first started the stable." Mrs Holdsworth shook her head. "He's bitter now. But perhaps he will listen to you if you ask him.”

 "Bitter?" 

 Mrs Holdsworth smiled sadly. "He never did get over Catherine's death." I try to prompt for more, but she says my best bet of getting the deed is to be as distanced from what happened as possible. I'm full of questions as I head up to an old house on the boundary.

The old man walking around outside does not look welcoming. The scowl on his face only deepens as I approach. "This is private property. Buzz off," he growled.”

Are you Jasper?" 

 "Yeah? And what if I am?" 

 "I was told you have the land deed for Moorland Stables. The stables are in a legal battle right now, and the land deed's needed to resolve it."

Jasper cracked a smile at that. It wasn't a pleasant one. "So he needs help, huh? From me." Jasper gave a raspy unfunny laugh. "No. I've wanted to see him destroyed for years. Seeing his stable torn down by GED? It's just what he deserves."

"What about everyone else?" 

 Jasper turned away. "Not my concern. Not after that man let my daughter die."

I couldn't believe that Jasper was going to let his bitterness destroy the stable. I had to find a way to get him to turn it around. Since most of Jasper's problems were with Mr Moorland, I figured I could hash out a way to persuade Jasper with Justin. Justin was his grandson, surely he could help melt his heart. Justin was honestly hesitant to get near Jasper, which told me that Justin had either heard too much or had a bad enough brush with Jasper to not want to repeat it.

Justin suggests that sharing old letters his mom wrote with Jasper might work. I agree, and we work to pick out letters talking about how happy Catherine was when alive and how much she was looking forward to her baby. I take the letters with me up to Jasper and give them to him.

He's not happy I've returned, and at first I'm afraid he'll destroy the letters without even reading them. He stops though, recognizing the writing. I stand there as he silently starts reading through them. It feels like it's ages before he looks up. At some point he started crying as he read. "I've...I've been such a fool. I've lost so many years of being part of my grandson's life, because I was too bitter to realize what I still had."

He turned around and dug out an old key bringing it back to me. "Here. The land deed's in a safebox in Fort Pinta. Give it to Thomas." I go to thank him, but he waves me off. It was only his duty to his family, even if he had made a mess of things for so long.

[theoniprince]

If you had to pick one name/alias/moniker to go by, fandom-wide, what would it be?

Where, besides Tumblr, can people find you doing fannish things? (Obviously only mention sites and usernames you actually want to be found at. Don’t expose your secret identities on my account.)

What other names have you gone by on these platforms, including Tumblr, if any?

When did you join the IT fandom? And what got you into fandom, to begin with?

What are your favorite ships, or characters, if any, and why? What do they mean to you?

In what ways do you participate in fandom? (ex. Posting memes, reblogging/commenting on content, writing fanfic, making fanart, creating fanmixes, etc.)

Do you have any in-fandom inspirations? Other members of the community that drive you? (And if you have the time/energy, in what ways do they inspire you?)

Name and link some of your favorite works, please!

Do you have any works of your own that you feel particularly proud of, or wish more people would’ve consumed? Please provide links if possible.

Have you ever participated in a fannish event (ie. IT Week, a fic Big Bang) or applied to be a part of a fanzine? If so, which ones, and can you please link them?

Without any form of bashing or lashing out, what is something you feel this fandom is missing?

First of all thank you so much for asking me!!! 8D It was a pleasure to answer all these questions. During this I got quite emotional (haha Stanpat, Eddie). It showed me again how much I love this 8DDD

( I apologize in advance for all misspellings and my sloppy English =_=)

If you had to pick one name/alias/moniker to go by, fandom-wide, what would it be?

Oh, what a start XD I'm not that into nicknames. Generally people using my first name to address me or my username which is mostly onyprince (in reference to a character from Hakuouki) ID Sometimes they say Oni or J(ay) (Nickname for my first name). Do as you wish (though I like ‘J’ the th most) 😉

Where, besides Tumblr, can people find you doing fannish things? (Obviously only mention sites and usernames you actually want to be found at. Don’t expose your secret identities on my account.)

Twitter. But everything I post there is also here. Feel free to follow my account, but you don’t have to. https://twitter.com/oniprince_

What other names have you gone by on these platforms, including Tumblr, if any?

Oniprince_ (Twitter) yeah… you see, I am pretty boring XDDD

When did you join the IT fandom? And what got you into fandom, to begin with?

Actually 23 years ago (haha I am old XD) When I was eleven I saw the miniseries with my cousins for the first time. The horror factor wasn't that important to me or maybe I didn't see it that way. It was more like an adventure story with an unfunny and nasty clown. A group of friends who had to endure an adventure. In any case, it entertained me well, even if I was not aware of some elements like that it’s a story about growing up, friendship, love and all these issues around becoming an adult XDD Then with 13 I read the book. It was a  new experience, and I loved every single word. Over the years I talked with friends and Kingsianer (XD) about it and read it for a second and a third time. At this point I could start a list with things I don’t like about the movies, but I’d rather mention on thing I really appreciate about them: they are a good opportunity for a new generation to explore this universe. Every adaption like the book itself is a reflection of a specific decade and what is more yeah… immortal, universal and diverse than a story about growing up. It was a discussion with a dear friend about book to movie adaptions some weeks ago that probably brought me back to this fandom

Nevertheless there are things from the book I would have loved to see in the movies. Let’s be honest at this point if you want to adapt such a brick of a book you simply have to cut some elements. You can’t please everyone

What are your favorite ships, or characters, if any, and why? What do they mean to you?

Ships:

Stanpat - orz q__q they are such a sweet couple and it is so heartbreaking, they never ever had a real chance to become parents. They would have been excellent parents. Imagine them on a beautiful summer day. They have a picnic with their children and Stan would watch birds with them. He would tell them all about the birds and keeps a journal about their observations with his kids

Reddie - Despite the constant teasing their realtionship seems like a natural, casual und easy thing from the start. And Eddie likes the nicknames. These secret names are like another identity. He can be someone else. They take care of each other. Their relationship is a deeper friendship that runs mostly on an emotional level and is sometimes expressed through small, physical gestures. The chemistry between them is indescribable. It is cute when 90s Eddie immediately starts to giggle as soon as Richie makes a dumb joke at their reunion. And thing about the little moments when Richie pokes Eddie and calls him cute. I am won’t quoting this one passage in the book that leaves much room for speculations, but there is no doubt their special bond is official. In any case, the decision to make Richie gay in the movies gave the ship another push. I don’t complain. I love it. Though I still think Eddie would have been a better option. There are already some scenes in the book which are like an invitation to speculate about his sexualityTheir chemistry is very obvious and believe me, there is nothing I would more appreciate than a happy end for them Q__Q

Benverly  „Your hair is winter fire

                   January embers

                  My heart burns there, too

This is one of sweetest things I have ever read in a book and that is all I need to explain why I love this ship.

Fav, Characters:  Hmm when I read „IT“ for the first time I had a crush on Bill. He ist the born leader and in my childish, pre-teen way found his stuttering cute. There is something about him that cast a spell on you. It is perfectly understandable that he was a role model and an inspiration for his friends – especially for Eddie. In my personal opinion book!Bill ist the best Bill.

Richie - I love this chaotic megane dude. He is this silly type who use jokes, pranks to protect himself. His voices are like safe heaven (the same goes for Bill, whose stuttering almost disappears, when he pretends tob e someone else). He hides himself and his insecurities behind them. It is a shame that he doesn’t know what an impact he had on his friends. Richie seems to never ever shut up and sometimes his trashmouth is still talking, when he better should be quite. And I am famous to fall for funny characters. He can lights up the mood immediately ( and OMG…. I love Harry Anderson in the miniseries. A real entertainer, BUT BILL HADER…. Bill Hader…just to make it clear BILL HADER  did such an amazing job. He rocked the movie and I still think, not just because I love this dude since over a decade, without him… the movie wouldn’t  have been so entertaining)

Eddie - He is in these abusive relationships. First with his mother, who keeps him small and makes him believe that he is weak. At the end her own fears of beeing left behind prevented her son from becoming a self-confident adult. Eddie always thought he is weak and fragile. Although he knows that he doesn’t need all this medication, his childhood experience were the reason for his coping-behavior as an adult – he still uses his inhaler. He married a woman who is like his mother. Mike's call was something of a turning point. Until this call Eddie could not overcome his fears and had to face them again as an adult. I can remember. While reading the book there were several moments of silence and I stopped reading and thought: poor Eddie.

Ultimately, his story is about a hero who surpasses himself, overcomes his fears and by sacrifice himself he protects what is most important to him - his friends. It just touched me. Eddie gave his life for his friends and I think you can say he's my favorite character. His death may be a tragedy, but it was necessary for his character arc. My theory is that Eddie represents someone who has lost track in his life and prefer to stick on old but unhealthy patterns.It is almost like Eddie stands for missed opportunities, but at the same time it is never to late to change something. He is a hero. There are so many things I would like to talk about, therefore I should start an own thread XDDD

Oh and Bev - I could always identify with her (not bc of abuse or domestic violence. My childhood was amazing). She is the only girl around the losers and I was the only girl in my  favourite clique too. We spent most of our time outside  - it was great. Of course I had other friends (female) as well, but with my boys… it was always special).. As you know as an adult she falls back in old patterns. Her husband is tyrannical man like her father. Again Mike’s call is a turning point.  Maybe the Benverly arc is the most satisfying. I was… I am very happy that Bev got her happy end.

Last but no least - I like Ben, Mike and Stan too. They have all there unique character treats and you sympathize with all of them. The Loser’s club is bunch of adorable idiots who just doing their best to become adults. I think it is normal that their friendship feels more intimate in the book – I highly recommand the book.

In what ways do you participate in fandom? (ex. Posting memes, reblogging/commenting on content, writing fanfic, making fanart, creating fanmixes, etc.)

Mostly fanarts, but recently I thought about posting my own theories and sharing my hcs and random stuff about the characters and the different relations.  

Do you have any in-fandom inspirations? Other members of the community that drive you? (And if you have the time/energy, in what ways do they inspire you?)

The fandom is full of amazing artists and writersand actually it would be a, but i want to name those who inspired me the most (mainly artists – hopefully I copied the links correcty):

https://tonyofthetrees.tumblr.com

https://meowsteryyy.tumblr.com

https://slashpalooza.tumblr.com/ ( you have to check out ‚Loose Ends‘)

https://coldcigarettes.tumblr.com

https://vvanini.tumblr.com/

https://eggocrumbs.tumblr.com

https://twitter.com/10_sgan

https://twitter.com/kasphacked

https://twitter.com/tac_nor

(oh.. the list got longer than expected IDDD)

Do you know this?

https://ragnarozzys.tumblr.com/post/189890790551/those-early-hours-after-a-sleepover-when-you-wake

Have you ever seen something as cozy and cute before I///D? – me neither XD

Trust me they are all worth a visit and I am sure most of us already know them 8D

Do you have any works of your own that you feel particularly proud of, or wish more people would’ve consumed? Please provide links if possible.

My art I provide on tumblr can be found here:

https://theoniprince.tumblr.com/tagged/myart

Honestly I like these the most:

https://theoniprince.tumblr.com/post/649446311120273408/my-first-reddie-sketch-now-scanned-the-quality

https://theoniprince.tumblr.com/post/649548606679007232/close-to-you-now-scanned-with-coloured

https://theoniprince.tumblr.com/post/650697175346593792/hammock-iconic-richie-is-reading-a-monthly

Have you ever participated in a fannish event (ie. IT Week, a fic Big Bang) or applied to be a part of a fanzine? If so, which ones, and can you please link them?

Oh… unfortunately I am not feelin‘ very confident about my own artworks. Sometims I have the feeling I am not creative enough and that my ideas are more or less boring. Nothing special ID Totally dumb – I know. As I mentioned before I came back lately to the fandom… I guess I missed many amazing IT weeks. I participated in some weeks/mainly shipweeks in other fandoms (Yakuza/Ryu ga Gotoku, FFXV) If I find an interesting annoucement I can imagine to participate in the future ; )

Without any form of bashing or lashing out, what is something you feel this fandom is missing?

In general… the fandom is really friendly – I hope so. Lately I have seen some salty comments on different stuff, topics… and well.. I have just an advice: life can be exhausting enough and time is always running. Don’t spend time on things you don’t like. Discussions can esclate quickly and worde can hurt too. So, just thing about before you jump in.

Thanks again! <3

(Special lil sketchy piece of art I did for this ask)

[allygodot]

CALLOUT POST FOR KRISTAHLIA WEEK

I found this blog through a major blog popular for it’s Godot slander, so I really don’t know what I was expecting. Who would have thought that a blog known for it’s misandry would also promote victim blaming, homophobia, abuse apologism, and just general sinfulness? I guess it isn’t too surprising... but this post isn’t about that major blog. After all, I don’t discourse with minors. Rather, this post is about the heinous blog they were promoting: @kristahliaweek​.

Now, not everyone in this community has seen what I’ve seen, so I’m assuming many of my readers are too innocent to know what “Kristahlia” is. Well, my naive kitten, it is the “ship” (problematic term, I know, but I’m only describing it in their own words) of Kristoph Gavin and Dahlia Hawthorne. Yes, the serial killers. If that doesn’t immediately scream “yikes” I don’t know what does. When I said I wanted this community to acknowledge more heterosexual ships I didn’t mean this...

Your initial reaction might be that this is a prank. After all, the person who put this blog on the map is quite well-known for their unfunny “jokes,” such as their ruining of the Ace Attorney Twitter Awards and their constant anti-Godot propaganda. However, it does not really matter to me if this is a joke or not since the ideas being spread are so harmful.

Regardless, in my infinite mercy, I initially gave this blog a chance to repent. I thought that perhaps if I pointed out the danger of their actions, they would back down. Unfortunately, my grace was not accepted. 

Instead of apologizing or doing anything mature, they resorted to calling me a fr**t. I guess they didn’t read my bio and see that I’m straight... not to mention the complete disregard for the seriousness of invoking hell. I think it is quite obvious that these are fighting words.

Still need more proof this blog is actually homophobic? Do you need me to prove that this isn’t just some prank, but rather a serious hate crime? Well, Judge, take a look at this.

This makes it abundantly clear that this blog is not in fact run by the troll who initially promoted it. The moderator of that major account is (allegedly) a lesbian, and I’ve never known a single lesbian to laugh at the d slur. Only a true, blue homophobe would let this language go unpunished. This is ineffable proof that this blog is no laughing matter. Not that it was ever funny. 

Blessedly, I was not the only person who was disgusted by the behavior of this blog. Another anon made an attempt to destroy this blog with facts and reason, but unfortunately their heroism was not rewarded. 

If that isn’t victim blaming I don’t know what is! Not to mention how inherently predatory it is to humiliate an anon, who has no power on your own platform... the abuse apologism is just too obvious. 

Seeing that my anon allies were going nowhere, I decided to take this matter into my own capable hands. I sent a very polite anon where I gave the blog the benefit of the doubt despite the fact that they gave me no reason to do so, and do you reckon I got a mature response? Of course not!

They just completely dodge the question to focus on my last remark about salvation. I’ll have you know that I am actually a devout Christian, Kristoph (if that even if your real name), so I know the stench of a sinner when I smell one’s reek. Real Christians are not homophobic. Real straight people are not abusive! You are seriously giving my minorities a bad name, so for the love of God please, try praying a rosary if you can’t afford therapy. 

My apologies for using the Lord’s name in vain, but I got a little bit heated there. Much like the mods of this blog likely do every time they use slurs and swears. Are these one of those heated gamer moments your kind like to accuse Godot of?

This last image is what really inspired me to make this post. After I was denounced by this blog, another anon came to my defense, using Godot as an example of Dahlia’s unforgivable wrongs. (Before you ask, no. This anon was not me. You can tell by their irresponsible use of the f-bomb.)

I don’t care who you are or what you believe, but calling Godot a “sour old b*tch” is completely inexcusable. This is peak victim blaming. Do you seriously believe that an innocent man trying to bring a killer to justice deserved it just because you are a woman? Garbage like this is why I hate feminism. If you seriously think buzzwords like “misogyny” are going to save you from being called out on your actions, you are wrong. Seriously, this just supports my hypothesis that victim blamers, misandrists, abuse apologists, kinnies, serial killers, and Godot haters are all birds of a feather. 

Anyway, I’m sure that by the time I’m done typing this post this blog will have published some more pogchamp hot takes or whatever you fake social justice warriors are calling hate crimes these days. I find it quite fitting that I’ll once again be engaged in combat with Dahlia Hawthorne (or rather her pale imitation) after what happened in Trials and Tribulations... I’ve crawled out of the depths of hell to bring you to justice. (By the way, I’m not a kinnie even though I am speaking as Godot. Kinning is just a spiritual substitute for religion.)

See you in court. 

[screechthemighty]

FR Octane is 100% one of those characters where I can see all the building blocks of WHY he behaves the way he does, but also acknowledge that his behavior is...Bad, it’s not great. And guess what, I accidentally wrote an essay about it if anyone cares! (Listen, I paid a lot of money for an arts degree, if I can’t over-analyze everything then that money was wasted, humor me) ETA: also if you’re thinking of dragging me for this post, please read this first and consider not doing that.

 We’re going to be looking at two big aspects of his character for this analysis. One is more subtext than actual text, but since all the evidence is there (and, if how they handled Wattson’s autism is any indication, will likely never be canon regardless of all the evidence) we’re just going to treat it as canon for the sake of argument. The other one is paracanon which, to be fair, isn’t as canon as “evidence actually in the text”, but again, for the sake of argument, we’ll treat it as such.

Fact the first: Octane, most likely, has ADHD. From the way he behaves, I’m assuming it is either undiagnosed OR he was never adequately taught how to manage his symptoms. The most relevant symptoms to this discussion are his seeming overreaction to Lifeline teasing him (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria being a common ADHD symptom), his persistent and VERY canon inability to handle boredom, and his equally persistent and canon poor impulse control (especially related to the boredom but in this case it also goes hand in hand with the previously mentioned RSD).

Fact the second: He grew up in an emotionally neglectful and dysfunctional home--his dad had multiple re-marriages (and lbr, probably was cheating on his current wife with the next wife every single time), he was raised more by an assistant who didn’t care to learn his wants and needs, so on, so forth. IMHO, this fact does explain both his larger than life personality AND manipulative behavior. If he stands out and acts out, he gets the attention he craves. If he’s manipulative, he can actually get what he wants/needs from the uncaring adults in his life. He behaves badly because of childhood trauma.

So, with all of these facts in mind, here’s the sequence of events:

Octane is relegated to a task he considers painfully boring (keeping in mind that boredom is one of the worst sensations for the ADHD brain). He is forced to stay in said task by an authority figure who doesn’t listen to his input about what he’d rather be doing or what tasks he might be better suited for.

On top of that, he is teased by someone he considers a close friend (practically family by his own admission) in a way that a) makes light of the situation he finds uncomfortable and b) compares him to an “accountant”, something that is anathema to what he wants to be. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria kicks in; the comment becomes genuinely hurtful and not just slightly unfunny but well-meaning ribbing.

His intolerance for boredom says “no, we’re not doing that task anymore, let’s go do the fun thing.” Poor impulse control and no buffer to mitigate the effects of poor impulse control say, “the first thought to pop into my head is right, let’s get that dopamine!”

His manipulative tendencies say, “If I make a big fuss, do something stupid, and let Ajay know it’s partially because she was mean to me, then she’ll understand that she hurt me and feel bad about it.” Unresolved trauma means that he doesn’t even THINK to communicate that to her, which would be the HEALTHY thing to do but likely not a method that has ever worked for him in childhood. Instead, he leaves an emotionally manipulative letter and peaces out. 

As of right now, we don’t know what the ULTIMATE outcome is (my money is on him getting his ass kicked TBH). But the IMMEDIATE outcome is that Lifeline feels responsible for something that isn’t her fault and now she and Gibraltar are both going to be put at risk of getting hurt. Octane has also put himself in a position where he’ll probably be hurt. This isn’t going to end well, is what I’m getting at.

NOW. Here’s the thing. The two facts I listed up above are not his fault. Him having ADHD? Not his fault. Him not getting the right help he needed as a child? Not his fault. Him growing up in a dysfunctional environment that had a negative impact on his emotional and interpersonal development? DEFINITELY not his fault. Everything about his behavior based on those two facts makes sense, and I’m not gonna sit here and act like he’s a bad person for being a neurodivergent abuse victim.

But, to paraphrase the very smart Jessica “How to ADHD” McCabe, it may not be his fault, but it is his responsibility--in this case “it” being how he treats other people, which is very much within his control. I get WHY he did it, but he IS being an absolute ass to Lifeline for the second time (that we know of), and that IS wrong. He HAS to learn at some point to not be like this. It’s already temporarily lost him a friendship, and it COULD get him or someone else killed this time around. He’s a grown adult, and despite my/the fandom’s jokes, he does have all his brain cells. At some point he’ll have to realize he can’t treat people like this and adjust his behavior.

To be fair to Octane, I completely understand and acknowledge that getting help and admitting to the things clogging up your brainspace is incredibly hard. Trust me, I have firsthand experience with this one, and my problems are small potatoes in comparison to what’s going on with him. So he’s not necessarily a bad person for not having taken those steps, especially because I’m still not sure he REALIZES he has a problem. Now, if he knew that he was hurting people and continued doing so because “that’s just who I am, they’re the ones who are wrong, actually” against all evidence, then that IS him shirking his responsibilities to other people and himself and I could criticize him for that. But I don’t think he’s at that point yet. Right now he just seems oblivious, which, yeah, we’ve all been in that position where you’re oblivious to your problems even as they’re slowly burning your house down (I cringe looking back on childhood me exhibiting early anxiety symptoms that went unchecked until now, when I’m well past college age).

I also think it would be helpful if someone told him in a CONSTRUCTIVE manner that his behavior is worrying and was able to help him get to that place where he can realize that himself and get help (not saying they should bear the majority of the emotional weight, AM saying that he seems like he needs the extra help and that’s valid, all things considered). Unfortunately...pretty much everyone in Apex Legends is their own flavor of messed up and they ARE in the middle of a crisis, so they’re likely either unable to see it or unable to help because y’know, lot going on.

In conclusion: I say none of this to demonize Octane? I say it because a) I think his character is really neat, flaws and all, hence me referring to him as a “problematic icon”, and b) because I think it does a disservice to his character to ignore his flaws. I don’t want him to be turned from a complex character with a lot of neat stuff going on to an uwu tortured sad boy who’s never at fault. I haven’t seen anyone do that YET (everyone seems to love him for being a trash baby and that’s valid), but, y’know, doesn’t hurt to start the conversation preemptively.

(QUICK sidebar that I didn’t think of until I was tagging his: his privilege as a rich child from a rich family definitely is a contributing factor to his behavior and another stumbling block to him getting help for a lot of reasons? I won’t go into all my thoughts on this because that could be its own essay but tl;dr Rich People often don’t believe in consequences as it is and don’t like to admit to being wrong, and some of this definitely wore off on Octane and is exacerbating the rest of it.)

[uservillanelle]

I hope I’m not the only who finds these “jodie is homophobic” jokes people (stan twitter) make are unfunny and tiresome. Like I kinda miss her on social media and then i see this stuff and i’m like jdc i’m glad she doesn’t see this. The other worse thing is brand new fans might come across them and not read the satire. Idk might just be me but yeah I was curious to know your thoughts

People joke about Jodie being homophobic? Either I really missed out on this one or the “jokes” didn’t reach my radar yet. Funny enough I just came across one of those said “jokes” here on tumblr and if I’m being completely honest... I’m not sure where they are coming from?! I mean I was really upset when I found out Jodie deleted her twitter account and I never really used twitter but then I decided to create an account just to check out the fanbase there and.. it’s HORRIBLE. Yeah, it’s a very toxic place, I’ve spend maybe 2-3 hours there and I felt so exhausted and I already had a headache from reading all of the crap people tweet about. 

I mean there people who straight up insult Jodie on her looks, whatever else, but then I’ve seen those who joke about her committing suicide and now... her being homophobic?! I’m sorry but this is like the stupidest thing I’ve heard. There is simply no way Jodie is homophobic. One ― she never said anything negative about LGBT+ community, if only, be positive about it and two ―  if she would, in any case, be against LGBT+ (which is NOT the case) she would express herself in a polite, not offensive way and so far I don’t think she said or did ANYTHING to offend her fans. She’s a sweetheart and I don’t understand what is wrong with her fanbase on twitter and even here sometimes... what did she ever do to any of them? 

Yeah, I am worried for newbies as well. Guess there isn’t much we can do about it, but for now I think the thing we CAN do is redirect our friends, who become new KE/Jodie fans to healthier social media platforms like tumblr, as I think it’s certainly not as terrible here as it is on twitter. Not sure about other platforms though. Instagram seems okay so far. 

What I HATE is that those “fans” distance Jodie from her actual fans who adore her and are interested in her professional side of life. Jodie must really feel uncomfortable/upset whenever someone will bring up her “fans” because she can immediatelly think back to those CLOWNS in twitter or god know’s what else and I don’t want her to have this kind of image of her fans in her head... and we can’t really do anything about it, but support her at all times and encourage positivity towards her because she’s one of the most talented, brilliant actresses in the world right now and she deserves more love and appreciation for the hard work she does every single day! 

[hanguk-berry]

안영~~ i just discovered your blog and absolutely love it!! I’m 16 too and hope to carry on teaching myself german (my college doesn’t offer languages as a subject ;-;) and also to teach myself korean!! How did you start learning korean? And how do you keep up with learning so many languages at once?

안녕!~~ Hallo and Hi ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

Firstly, thank you so much for your kind words ㅜㅜ This made my day (although it is currently almost 9 p.m. here ... heh~) It makes me really happy to see people enjoying my blog! @.@

What makes me happy too, is that you study German?! :o That is really cool but you must be very determined ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ since German grammar can be really tough, even for Germans 💚 Keep it up! If you need help or advice (I hope these two words don't exactly mean the same thing ㅋㅋ), please do not hesitate to contact me ^-^

So, moving on to your questions (I always tend to talk too much ㅋㅋ):

I started studying Korean by learning the alphabet first. Frankly, I did not even know that romanization was a thing at that time, which turned out to be good to not to know.

1. Start with Hangeul - 한글

Probably the MOST important thing when studying a new language is getting familiar with the alphabet. I read/heard a lot of people say that "You can use romanization at the very beginning but you should not depend on it"

[DISCLAIMER: I am not quoting any specific person, so please do not be offended by my words. ♡

+

Those are all my own opinions, based on personal experience. None of these are guides on how to study Korean, but rather advice that has helped me to get where I am now. ♡]

I disagree with the quoted sentence. Be hard on yourself. Do not study to an unhealthy extend. But do push yourself to train your body and brain, as well as your mind, to actually study. Although my words might sound harsh, trust me - it is worth the result you'll get at the end.

So, to conclude my first point: Study 한글.

It is worth the time. (Actually, it doesn't take to much time. I learned it within two hours. LEARNED. That does not mean that I was fluent in reading it. It means that I understood the basic principle of the Korean writing and reading system and knew the sounds connected to each character.) (To clarify, the last sentence doesn't mean that I could read every word I saw from then on. I could - when I saw the single character written in front of me - associate a sound with it.)

2. Practice Hangeul - 한글

The key is practice, practice, practice. I assume everyone of us in the language study community was or is tired of hearing this at some point (including myself). But it is true what they say.

I practiced reading Korean by:

a) writing down basic words

e.g. months, days of the week, numbers, most common names in Korea

b) following many, many Korean accounts on Instagram

Call me a Koreaboo. (I honestly do not understand the point of that. Let people do what they want as long as they do not show disrespect towards a group of people/a culture or hurt anyone.) But I am - and always have been, and always will be - attracted to East Asian men. (In fact, I am more attracted to Japanese people than Korean, and I love the sound of Japanese more, too.) (Japanese is so hard to study, though. That's why I chose Korean.) (I am talking too much again and drifiting off. Oops. Back to the topic,heh~)

FOLLOW AND INTERACT. Read their stories. Really read their stories. Read the captions before translating. (This obviously works with official accounts [Korean musicians/actors/etc.], too.) Your first ten attempts won't be the best but after a while you will be able to read faster and recognize words that are often used. Make Korean friends. Talk to them. They will be very pleasured to see someone being interested in their culture, country and language!

(I created a whole new account where I am only following Korean people, mostly students around my age. I made it for the sake of the Korean content not drowning in the much more understandable english content ㅋㅋㅋㅋ.)

3. Basic Grammar

I started out with studying very basic grammar (sentence structure, basic conjugation, basic particles,...). For this, I took an old folder, emptied it and made it my Korean folder. Then I went through the first 10 lessons of Unit 1 of howtostudykorean.com

For every lesson I made handwritten and color coded notes. (Color coded means that I used different colors for • basic information about the grammar rule • important information • main examples • more/own examples .)

As everyone has his/her own methods of learning languages, try to find your own and do not be afraid to experiment!

4. Follow your heart :)

Afterwards, I began studying wildly ㅋㅋㅋㅋ. I learn whatever I want or need in the very moment. I try to stick to a schedule but that does not work for me since I have a lot of extracurricular activities.

E.g. when I read Korean webtoons and notice a particle I have never seen before, I study it. When I wonder at 3 a.m. about how "What if..." is expressed in Korean, I look it up the next morning.

5. Use what you have learned

Show the world what you know. Talk (text, if you aren't confident.) (Yet.) (Don't worry, I am still too shy to speak Korean in front of literally ANYONE. Do not pressure yourself. Be comfortable. ) Post photos with short (or long) captions in Korean.

By having conversations with native speakers, you will automatically pick up natural-sounding speaking habits. (Be careful, though. Especially in Korean language, there is a rather big difference between written and spoken Korean. As long as you are casually texting, it is more every-day/conversational and informal Korean. (Except you and your chat partner both talk on a very professional level.) (Which would be weird, to be honest.ㅋㅋㅋㅋ)

If your Korean friend uses a grammar pattern or slang etc. try to use it as often as possible to manifest it into your brain. (Maybe you should warn them or else they are gonna thunk you are some psycho being all 근데 근데 근데 근데 근데.) (근데 means "but", by the way. )

♡♡♡

I think that is all for now, regarding how I have started studying Korean. And this blog is already longer than anything else I have ever posted 😳.

♡♡♡

Last but not least, you asked me how I kept up with studying languages. Honestly, I don't. And if you have other priorities, for example school, let them be your priorities. There is no rush with studying a language. (Well, except maybe some aliens force you to do so within a month or else they will destroy our lovely planet...which...let's be honest, is very unlikely to happen.) (Unless?) (Ok, I am so unfunny and it is definitely too late by now.) (Wow, I spent an hour writing this o0o it is 9:45 p.m. now.)

I hope this helped you at least a little ^-^ If you ever have any question I am here and will try to answer them for you!♡

[kennedycatherine]

things may be shitty but sometimes I'm shittier

I’m overheard retelling half a joke my friends have heard 30 times over. One of the greats in my rotating stock of five. 

“Wait, what’s this about?” Asks someones boyfriend and I lean on an elbow, angle myself toward him with a grin.

“It’s actually a really funny story.”

His girlfriend rolls her eyes, “it’s not funny.”

My eyebrows go up, in, “I think it’s funny?”

“Kennedy,” she begins and looks at me with even eyes, “it makes people uncomfortable.”

She says it like a mother warning her toddler not to pull his pants off in front of the dinner guests, not again. And I feel a lot like he might;

Defiant - it is a funny story, I’ve done the math on which details can stay in, which have to go out, I know where to pause for a laugh or a sigh. He’d probably like it. 

Ashamed - it probably isn’t funny to everyone, perhaps my math was just enough to keep people engaged, the pauses great for a sympathy laugh. He probably wouldn’t like it.

“Another time,” he whispers with a soft, consoling smile and I silently curse his girlfriend. 

Fuck you, Kierstan, you don’t know the first thing about comedic timing.

The story in question is about the time I found my sister cold and unconscious. I thought she was dead. The punchline about my being in a pink velour costume when the EMT’s arrived and the bit about the stolen laffy taffy, oh and her not being dead - fully worth the undeniable emotional lows. 

Believe me when I say that in some circles, it’s a funny story. There are branches of comedy, Netflix specials, peoples entire careers and livelihoods that are rooted in dark comedy - there is a vast market for illuminating and lightening the horrifying. Also trust me when I say I know how deeply unfunny it is to watch someone you love overdose. 

The story is funny now. A few years ago it wasn’t. It was a nearly unspeakable thing. An experience that happened and it wasn’t funny. 

But life goes on. 

You have no choice. 

Around the time of the pink velour tracksuit and the laffy taffy, I found myself laughing uncontrollably at my desk. I’d just left the job I’d gone to college for and found myself in the pit of broken dreams - an 8 to 5 desk job. The absolute thrill of it all - somedays you might file, somedays you might answer a few more calls than usual. Somedays your boss might ask you to bend over and pick up his pencil while you wear the skirt it was gently (but firmly) implied was mandatory. Mandatory only in the sense that no one could tell you that you couldn’t wear pants but they sure were more forgiving of car naps running 15 minutes over if they could glimpse a knee. 

And boy, did I need the car naps. 

It’s funny because I thought I was doing great. Really, for awhile I thought I was the best I’d ever been. I was laughing pretty much all the time, at everything. I’d never found the world more funny. By all accounts, I was having a great time.

So imagine my surprise when one day I found my eyes full, my face damp and my car hurdling down the highway past the exit to my work. When I did arrive, this time with pants, therefor low forgiveness - I was asked to my boss’ office for a closed door meeting.

Why was I late?

Somehow telling my boss that I wasn’t exactly sure the reason but my brain was telling me I should just keep driving, maybe to the next town, maybe for hours, maybe until the border, didn’t really seem like an option. “I think I have the flu.”

Despite all the things I didn’t know, I did know I didn’t have the flu. I found myself laid out in my doctors office anyway.

When he finally threw the door open, all white coated and anxious, just like I like em’ - I sat up. We made a sort of frenzied eye contact and he asked me what was wrong. 

“I think I might be, like, totally fucking losing it.” 

I left with a plan and antidepressants.

It all sounds kind of simple and quaint.

But it wasn’t.

Stopping to consider if you’re a danger to yourself or anyone else so your doctor can qualify if you need counselling, pills, maybe a psychiatric hold isn’t charming. Those first few weeks of pills, even though you’ve been told and you know you’ll feel worse for awhile, they’re simply awful. This isn’t some beautiful woman on HBO popping a white pill with her chardonnay, suddenly noticing a pink bloom on her neglected cactus. This is ugly and painful before it’s anything else.

And slowly it did become “anything else” … most of the time. 

Depression isn’t a joke. But it is a static way of being that loses it’s edge. 

It softens. Like a shitty haircut, you come to expect the blunt, harsh edges. Your body adjusts to the sight of it. It’s still kind of scary to look at but you know what to expect.

Life goes on.

It’s just not precious anymore. 

I could barely say I’d been diagnosed. I only told the people who were close enough to see the new medication was wearing me out. Now it’s an introductory fact, “Hi, Kennedy Catherine, daughter, lover, lesbian, writer, major depressive disorder.” 

I felt for a long time like it was all behind me. The worst was over! Family, outside of some trick hearts, healthy. Depression, diagnosed, plans made, helpful medications on standby. Experiencing another dark episode seemed dull,  ya know? Just a tad fucking redundant. Been there, done it, bored by it. 

Then: March 2020. 

There was a period of limbo. I still had a job, I just couldn’t be there or do it until things got better - hardy har. I packed up my truck and settled into my families cabin for five or six weeks. It was fine, I was fine, I thought. One day I went out for a walk and awhile later watched my sister rumble through a long stretch of prairie toward me on an ATV. My phone was dead and I’d be gone, oh, three hours longer than expected?

“What happened?”

I just kind of… lost track of time? Lost my sense of direction? I don’t know, I thought. I was here but I sort of went away from myself for a second. When I sunk into the bath later with achy muscles and a blister, I felt nervous.

Now, I haven’t scared myself in years. My depression isn’t so severe that I feel unsafe with myself. Anything I did or have done to effectively terrify myself, I shed by the time I was 20. Because that can happen, you can do that. You can change coping mechanisms and learn real, healthy ways to parent yourself. The mood instability that came later, the dark times, I still felt mostly fortified. I felt like I could figure it out, like I still had access to myself to do the figuring out. 

But I could feel myself slipping away this time. 

I was talking fast about something or another when I finally said to my mom, “I think I might need help.” I wasn’t sure exactly what I meant because I didn’t really know how to help myself and I wasn’t really sure what was wrong. 

And that in and of itself is a problem. I didn’t know what was wrong? 

I was out of the job that got me out of bed Monday to Friday for three and a half years, I left the house that had become my comfort cathedral, I hadn’t seen any of my closest friends in months, I was living with my sister and my mother who I hadn’t spent longer than a handful of days with in like five years. There was global fear and uncertainty and the risk of contracting a virus that could or could not kill you but I didn’t know… what was wrong? Well that’s just deeply moronic. 

Sometimes when you need help, or when I need help, that does come in the form of professional counselling or medications or an anonymous support group. Sometimes, it’s just circumstantial and circumstances can change.

I went home.

And in a few weeks, when I’d more or less returned to myself, I could clearly see the hills and valleys my mind had just wandered. I felt strength again, a sense of renewal and excitement about my imminent return to work and society.

Then I actually lost my job.

I know, redundant. I’m tired of myself too. But bullshit is cyclical, that’s just a fact. 

And if there is one thing I’ll give myself credit for, it’s my ability to immediately concoct a backup plan in the face of a threat. Moments after I was officially terminated, texts and emails went out. The idea of not knowing where my next paycheque would come from and how much it would be, having lost the place I strolled into everyday with a sense of purpose and not knowing when and where I’d have that again was simply not an option.

My head went down, I narrowed focus and the efforts resulted in… enough. I’m living. Which wasn’t and isn’t the hope for life. Unstable stagnancy is deeply uncomfortable.

So, generally speaking, things are not great. 

I lost my humbly secure job. A place I comfortably could’ve lived and died if I’d prioritized everything other than work and my sort of crippling ambition. This effectively led me down the path of questioning every decision I’ve made past the age of 16. First and foremost, choosing radio. An industry that was at it’s peak in the 1930’s and on the decline ever since was perhaps not the most lucrative or secure of career choices. 

My romantic life developed far enough to remind me that often times I am a crusty, avoidant crustacean human and suddenly all those popular tweets about my deep emotional inabilities and intimacy issues seemed, well, not that funny.

I decided I probably shouldn’t drink. I don’t have a drinking problem but I do have a problem with drinking. Namely, waking with no memory, my legs shaking and my stomach clenched so tightly I could sense my body wanted to flee - itself, mostly. And let’s not forget the part where I get fighty and mean.  

When shit hit the fan and then shot off the blades into the face of life in my early twenties, it wasn’t my fault. To be clear, mental health is a no fault area. I was always predisposed to depression, mental illness is genetic. I had no control over that. But there were plenty of variables, extenuating circumstances if you will, that I also had no control over but sure as fuck could and did blame other people for.

This is not the same thing. 

This is a moment where it is necessary to discern illness from circumstance and living from coping. 

Like I said, bullshit is cyclical. And it this point, it’s pretty much just my own bullshit on repeat, forever and ever amen. At twenty or twenty three, when the circumstances weren’t my fault, it also felt like my reactions weren’t my fault. I was floundering, I didn’t know better. I learned some hard lessons about how I cope and handle things. I learned that I didn’t really like the person I was when I was figuring out how to survive myself and life. 

I was unkind, a lot. 

I hated the way that felt, I hated the way it affected my relationships and decided to learn from it.

Except, I didn’t learn. I said, great, noted. Dashed a nice little ~fini!~ at the end of that chapter, closed er’ on up and bypassed the bookshelf for the dusty box in the corner labelled, “garage sale.” Because surely no one would need to read that again! 

And then a few weeks ago when I had a breakthrough in counselling, I dug that chapter back up and allowed myself a few days of surprise. Bitch, you been done knew the WHOLE time. This isn’t news, this isn’t shocking. This is the part of you that developed somewhere along the way and it didn’t work and you didn’t like it but! But. It was comfortable. So you gave it a few years and then when things fell out of control again, let it settle back in all warm and snuggly.

You know what they say. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I guess I need to financially prioritize a CBT therapist. 

So here I am, again. 

Only this time feels deeply, deeply different. Because it’s not the first. 

I sat down with a friend to tell her how I was feeling. How much I felt like I needed and wanted to change my default settings. 

I need a factory restore. 

“I think you’re being hard on yourself.”

No, no, I have grace for myself! I actually have a lot of understanding. I’m parenting myself through this which includes showing myself love while I also discipline.

“I just feel like maybe you were doing the best you knew how.”

Well, I mean, sure? Sometimes? But there were moments where I knew I was saying or doing the wrong thing, where I was even challenged by someone else but I wasn’t challenging myself, you know?

“Well maybe that’s just who you are?”

Right… but this is also who I am? And we do actually have a say in that, you know? Like how I evolved from throwing toddler tantrums on the grocery store floor? I could actually just keep doing that, no one is stopping me, but I don’t.

“I think you’re being self deprecating and that is not healthy.” 

Since when is self identifying a problem self deprecation? 

“Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself.”

… but change is hard? 

I appreciate that people want to protect me from myself or from bad feeling or whatever they perceive that all to be. More often than not, I think they, we, you, I, we’re all just trying to protect ourselves. But it’s not helpful. Pretending that everything is fine and that we’re fine and adopting an overarching, “I am perfect as I am, namas-fucking-te” mantra isn’t actually helpful.

What’s the harm in me saying I have been shitty? That I have acted poorly? That I have neglected to be better when there was clearly a different option? That I wasn’t honestly showing myself to people when I could’ve or allowing them space in me?

That it’s… not nice? That just like the joke about my sister not being dead, it’s not comfortable to listen to? It’s true and it is compassionate to view yourself as a whole, to know yourself and think I actually do like myself and this life enough to want to be better.

Just like what is coined the unfortunate evening of Velour and Ambulances or the depression diagnosis or life being turned on it’s head by a plague sent from hell, once it was deeply painful and then it wasn’t. None of this is precious. Being a shitty person sometimes isn’t a rare affliction. You’ve been shitty before, you’ll do it again, I’ll do it again, hey, you might even be shitty right now! Isn’t that something? 

Things are not great right now. They’ve been not great tens of times before. Only this time it isn’t taking me 2 to 4 years to talk and laugh about it. Because this is a muscle, the shit muscle and it’s exercised. It’s buff. 

And you know what? Things could be worse. They could even get worse now! I’m hoping they don’t but they certainly could, and in the thick of it, we’ll always have that glimmering possibility to hold onto. 

[copperbadge]

Infinity War: A Review As Long As The Movie Itself

Okay, so I saw Infinity War a second time and most of my thoughts were unchanged plus I had one cool new one, and I have had a lot more sleep now than I had in the early part of the week. So I think now I’m good to talk about it. 

This is mostly a series of observations rather than a coherent review. Spoilers, very obviously, below the cut. If you are on mobile and can’t see a cut below before a massive wall of text, please scroll fast if you don’t want to be spoiled. 

1. I mentioned this before but this movie does feel like a series of video game cut scenes. Part of that is visual -- more than any other MCU movie, there are times when Infinity War is an animated film. There are a lot of moments where it’s just straight-up CGI with maybe Josh Brolin’s eyeballs. The two most noticeable ones are Thanos waking up with the soul stone and Thanos and Iron Man fighting on Titan, probably because Thanos is, uh, he’s not always very convincingly animated and the new model for Iron Man is a bit on the uncanny-valley side (the head in particular is weird). 

But also, there is so much to cram into the movie that every scene has to dump a lot of info pretty quickly. Which is not necessarily bad -- they do it very deftly -- but it means we get a series of tastes rather than a good main course. We get hints of where Steve, Sam, Wanda, and Natasha have been, but no real information, and it’s treated as if it’s basically irrelevant. We see Wanda and Vision in a secret-romance situation, but we never really see anything about why their relationship works or how they got there. The same with Peter and Gamora. There’s been bedrock laid down for these relationships in previous films, but there’s no building on that bedrock. And when you get to non-romantic relationships that gets even thinner because it’s difficult to no-homo a male friendship in the time allotted and 90% of the characters in these movies are male so there’s a shitload of relationships that fall by the wayside. 

I had some interesting conversations about how Peter Parker’s death scene was really dramatic and carried a ton of impact for Tony, and that’s good, but that is a scene I think Bucky and Steve should also have gotten and couldn’t because the no-homo in a very obviously parent-child relationship is much easier to convey. (Also because of a later point I’ll get to, see 10, where Tony and Peter in the Death Scene have to stand in for literally every other relationship.) 

2. A thirtysomething heterosexual white boy mad about his girlfriend doomed half the universe. Peter Quill’s lack of self-control indirectly caused the death of trillions when he punched Thanos, and that’s all I could think about during that scene. It’s so funny and so unfunny at the same time, because while it’s a (perhaps unintended) commentary on a lot of recent mass violence in America I am 100% sure that he will not suffer consequences for it. I mean, yes, he’s dead as a consequence, but LBR he’s not staying dead and when he’s back alive again he will suffer no ill will from anyone lasting longer than five minutes of Tony yelling, maybe. 

Also, I get that Thanos is big and strong but surely cutting his arm off would have been faster than pulling the glove off. I would imagine there are all kinds of arguments against it (he can still control it if his hand’s still in it, cutting his arm off would wake him, etc), but I’m pretty sure “narrative necessity” is the top one. 

3. I’m uncomfortable with all the Holocaust-y blown-to-ash imagery in the Death Scene following hard on the heels of, and then being followed itself by, a bunch of scenes that really seem to want to make us sympathize with the person who caused it, including one where he walks on water. (I can already hear people saying “It’s dust not ash” and that’s a conversation people can have if they want but in a moment that Gamora explicitly describes as a genocide in which trillions of people die because of a so-called lack of resources, which was, you know, a real Hitler talking point in the thirties, I’m not only reading it as ash, I’m reading it as a very specific kind of ash, and that’s not gonna change.) 

There is so much time spent on trying to make Thanos sympathetic in this movie. I get that they want him to come off as if he believes he’s the hero, because that’s basic good-villain writing 101. But less sympathy for the devil could have allowed room for the actual heroes to get some more character development. Thanos is so ludicrously over-powered by the time we meet him that I don’t really give a shit why he does what he does, and if the story IS a commentary on the brutality of genocide, then like, we don’t really want to be sympathizing with the guy committing it.

But because of all this, what I am hoping for in part two is a real hardcore demonstration of how evil he truly is to balance how sympathetic they tried to play him here. We see hints of his monstrosity under a veil of self-assumed virtue in this movie, occasionally. There’s the torture of Nebula, of course, and Eitri’s hands are also evidence. We have enough to see that he’s not just a crusader, he’s also able and eager to torment and maim. So I’m hopeful for more of that and less of his Purple Man’s Burden in part two. 

Related to this is a scene where Thanos says one thing that I think is really vital to his monstrosity, though I doubt this was intentional: he says it will be an objective genocide, “Rich and poor alike.” Really, we know that wealth causes excess consumption and hoarding of resources; you don’t have to kill half the population to balance its resources. You just have to kill the richest. However you feel about capitalism or wealth accumulation, whether you think killing the rich is justifiable, if you’re going to just slaughter a bunch of people in order to fix shit, you slaughter fewer for a much higher ROI if you slaughter the rich. That’s just....accounting. And the fact that Thanos doesn’t acknowledge this says to me that at the end of the day he wants the power of life and death, and he has no justification for it. But the problem is that I don’t believe the writers examined that line themselves or even thought of it, which makes me worried about whether we will get an expression of Thanos’s evil without a justification of his actions in part two. 

4. I’ve never seen Peter Dinklage in anything other than this, and after seeing the film for the first time I asked a friend, “IS he a terrible actor in everything? I didn’t think so, people seem to like him, but he’s dreadful in this.” The second time round, it was pointed out to me that they’re artificially slowing his voice, which makes him seem ludicrously overacted. Sorry, Peter Dinklage, I misjudged you, and this movie done wrong by you. 

5. Normally I don’t fully enjoy Rocket in the Guardians movies because there’s just a lot of him and the 2-3 jokes (what is he, he likes to murder, he’s a jerk) get old fast. I enjoyed him in this, because he got what I feel is the appropriate amount of screen time vis a vis the rest of the movie, and also Bucky picking him up was super funny. 

6. Bucky’s face when he sees the arm and asks where the fight is, weep loudly if you agree. Sebastian Stan can say more with his face than some actors can with a full on monologue. Also I am writing a fanfic about Bucky’s time on a Wakandan farm, working title: “My Dumb Goats.”

7. Literally nobody saw Sam Wilson die and I’m circulating a petition about it. Come on, at least give him a witness. Fuck. I think Sam’s death actually hit me the hardest because there wasn’t even anyone there to say goodbye to him. 

8. I gasped when Red Skull pulled his cowl down, oh my Jesus what a moment.

9. The first time I saw Captain America: Winter Soldier, when Bucky stood up without the mask, a woman behind me said, “Oh my god, it’s his BEST FRIEND,” with amazement in her voice. Watching Infinity War, when Gamora started going off about how Thanos doesn’t love anything, the guy in the seat next to me said, “Oh no, IT’S YOU.” I sometimes really enjoy going to movies surrounded by people who aren’t in fandom and don’t read subtext as quickly as fandom does. 

10. Here’s my new theory that is maybe not new and has been super obvious to everyone else forever. Preface: it’s not that I didn’t know Iron Man is in a shitload of the Marvel movies, or that I didn’t find that significant. We know that “I am Iron Man” is frequently considered the start of the MCU timeline even though Steve Rogers was the first avenger, and the first Iron Man film is iconic within the MCU (though they have never gone back to it for visual or thematic inspiration which is frustrating). 

But it seems really evident now, having seen part one of two and having seen Tony Stark in it, that not only is this “his” film in many ways, but the MCU to date is Tony Stark’s saga. Maybe I’m just slow to pick this up, but when he says Thanos has been in his head for six years, it was an indicator -- inadequate, see my Cut Scene theory, but still, it made me realize -- that the Avengers films and even many of the character films post-Avengers (Civil War and Homecoming, most obviously) are the story of Tony’s struggle with the shadow of Thanos up through his face-to-face confrontation with him. 

Like, we’ve seen that it’s something Tony grapples with, but I hadn’t realized that grappling was the entire point. In Age of Ultron, Ultron actually become a macguffin, he becomes a secondary indicator of Tony’s obsession with Thanos rather than a villain in his own right, which almost makes me want to watch that movie again even though I hated it. The vision of death and destruction Wanda gives Tony is Thanos-driven, and all his actions in every film post-Avengers are motivated by his fear of and antipathy for Thanos, even if he doesn’t yet know his name or face. And this is why Strange gives up the Time stone to save Tony, because that one win in fourteen million losses depends on Tony Stark. 

This is also why Peter Parker and Tony get a lot of time to bicker like family about nothing in particular throughout this film, leading up to the one true dramatic death scene in the Death Scene -- because for time’s sake they could really only pick one death to fully engage with, and it had to be the one affecting Tony, and we had to see them bonding to see WHY it affected Tony. He’s got to be the one to end Thanos, one way or another, and will likely be some form of uniting factor among the surviving heroes in the climax of part two. Which, I have a significant level of admiration for how deftly that process has taken place, even if I know that it will 99% likely lead to Tony’s permadeath in part two. 

It also makes me wonder about RDJ’s guiding hand in these films. I’m given to understand that even on movies where he’s not producer he often brings in his own script doctors to ensure he’s getting the best possible role he can get. I wonder if he and Kevin Feige had some kind of offer-you-can’t-refuse meeting once it became evident that the franchise was going to really come together as a single, if heavily branching, narrative. It also makes me wonder how much of the “RDJ is the Godfather of the Marvel Universe” we’ve seen in recent media is a talking point the actors were given in their press-interview briefing packets. 

11. Okay in the credits at one point it says “Character from Arrested Development courtesy of 20th Century Fox.” What....is up with that? What character? I don’t watch the show. 

12. SUPER EXCITED FOR CAROL DANVERS IN A GENERAL SENSE AND ALSO SEVERAL SPECIFIC SENSES. 

So those are my thoughts. Go ye and engage with them, I guess. :D

Did you enjoy this review or find it insightful? Consider buying me a buttery tub of popcorn at my Ko-Fi or via my Paypal!

[imaginesfordayss]

DCC Day 3!

Another eventful comic con finished! Today was the last day of the con and the energy was definitely slower than  yesterday but we still were running around the majority of the day. I don’t even think we ate lunch today?? Just kept moving. The showroom closes early on Sundays and that means things were selling out and selling out quickly, so any downtime either of us had was spent traversing the show room and spending gross amounts of money. We saw two panels as well and sat in on the educational panels as well so here’s the final recap:

We sat in on both the David Tennant, which was absolutely packed, and the KJ Apa panel. Both were super fun, KJ’s was the last one of the day and the crowd definitely wasn’t as rowdy (also the moderator was very unfunny and kinda annoying) so the energy was definitely low, but KJ made the best of it and was super gracious and informing of his answers and I learned a few more things about him which I didn’t know. Like that he never intended to be an actor and still doesn’t really want to be a major actor, he instead wanted to be an accountant and got into acting by luck of the draw. He’s also a huge spiderman and Tom Holland fan which was super cute to see. And other random facts

Didn’t initially think he would get along with the Riverdale cast very well because he was the only foreigner and didn’t know where he would fit in

Would like for Archie to be single for a while 

Has the most fun filming with Cole

says he’s never met anyone like him and Dylan and could never compare them to any of the other friends he’s had

Was initially a bit nervous shooting his scenes with Sarah Habel (Miss Grundy) because he had never had to shoot scenes like that before

David Tennants panel was amazing and he’s an absolute presence on stage. Super fun and lively and so incredibly humble. Made a lot of jokes about his Presbyterian guilt which I thought was really funny. He was asked a lot questions and they were all from different projects he’s worked on which was really nice because we got to see at least a little bit of his thoughts when it came to all of his roles. He says he doesn’t have a favorite role but the audience agreed that they thought Killgrave was his best work. 

Honestly he seems like an incredibly amazing man. He talked about a lot of relevant topics not just in his shows but in real life. When asked about Killgrave and how he felt about him, he explained that all villains both on screen and in real life are just going through some stuff. Which, he explained, never excuses their actions or should make people sympathize them, but makes it easier to understand their motivations and POV. Which is how he approaches playing villains. 

Asta also got to meet this lovely human and said he was sweet and kind for someone who has as much star power as he does. Also very tall. A real life angel.

I didn’t get any pictures cause cameras are super restricted, but I got to meet and get my Pop signed by Isaac Hempstead Wright, who plays Bran Stark on Game of Thrones. I got to speak with him for a second or two while he was signing and he’s honestly so sweet and so nice and doesn’t seem like fame has affected him in the slightest. He got donuts delivered to his table and was joking around with Kristian Nairn (Hodor) who was at the table next to him. I would love to get a drink with him honestly. Game of Thrones has officially wrapped for the season and I asked him how he felt about the ending and how he thought fans would take it. He personally is really pleased with the ending and said there could be no better ending for a show like this. He said that not everyone will be happy because the writers can’t please everyone, but thinks a lot of people will enjoy it. Starks Rule!

As far as nonsense we bought, we bought got one of the mystery boxes simply because we’ve never gotten one and wanted to see what all the hype was about. I got the marvel, the first picture, and got an avengers blanket, a venom hat, captain american patch and sticker, doctor strange socks, a keychain light, a hawkeye lanyard, and a fantastic four sticker. Personally, I don’t think it was worth it and most likely won’t be buying another one ever again. None of those items seems justifiable for the price I paid and I won’t be using any of them since 1) I don’t like captain america and 2) They’re cheap toys. I do like the blanket though and my brother will enjoy the hat. 

Asta got the Supernatural box and she did enjoy her’s and she got much better items than I did. Not everything in that picture is from the box, the pop below Dean and the Star Wars stuff of course wasn’t in the box. She got the Dean Pop (which already makes her box better than mine), a belt, a wallet, a SPN cigarette tin, and a pillow. She says that if it came with a shirt she’d be happier with it.

Other than that we saw more amazing cosplays including that fantastic Maleficent and spot on Loki and Killmonger. We also found a booth that was selling 5$ Pops which was freaking amazing considering I paid 16$ for my Bran Pop. I got Elliot Alderson from Mr Robot (my son and stars) and Asta got Hux (garbage boi). Also got some artwork for my mom and Asta got some tea for her brother. I also impulsively bought Cards Against Humanity and a new tarot set cause I am truly a garbage person and have no concept of money and my cow brain sees something remotely interesting and wants to blow 60$ on it. 

But yeah! Comic con has been super fun and we learned so much and had an amazing time this year. Each year we always kind of level up in our con prowess and we hope next year we can show out with some cosplay. Y’know, when we financially recover. If anyone else was at DCC let us know how it was for you! We’d love to chat about it/compare experiences! Also if the cosplayers who’s pictures I put in this post happen to see this please let me know who you are so I can tag you! Credit where credit is due!

Thanks! 

[porteurdereve]

2, 3, 4

How did you get into this franchise/fandom?

My brother often played FFXIV when he was back from school, and I found myself watching him go through it. After a while, I wanted to play it. So I made character on his account (unfunny enough, a red headed cat boy), though I wasn’t too great at handling the PS4 controls, and held back a lot of dungeons as a paladin. So I gave up. A few months later, I wanted to try again, so I bought it on my computer-- and I have been addicted ever since. Yoshi-P, I love you, so very much *mwah*

What’s the best thing about the show/series/books/comics/etc.?

I feel like the best thing is the savage/ultimate fights, because they are SO FUN to learn and go through. They’re engaging, fast paced, and requires teamwork like no other game I’ve played. Having the right static in a fight just feels so fun! Aside from that, the community. Not only are people relatively nice in the game, but they feel connected through the developers. The develops listen to our memes, our jokes, our voices, and they want to give back the love that we have given them. So many tears were shed for the developers, and we cannot thank them enough for all their hard work. Now, lemme tell you a story. A  year ago, my favorite mangaka, Kentaro Miura, passed away. I love Berserk, because when I was diagnosed with PTSD, I had it rough trying to heal from unprocessed trauma. Reading Berserk helped me process that trauma. I know it’s a heavy story, but the story is about survival and healing after severe trauma. I needed that in my life. So, when he died, I felt empty and lost. I cried for an hour at my computer, absolutely torn, running around Ul’dah aimlessly-- then I saw him. A lone Dark Knight, standing with a bonfire. I knew what he was doing without asking. I joined with him. Soon, a line of people came up and stood with us. Then we learned different servers all across the world did the same thing. We all mourned Kentaro Miura TOGETHER. If you’re curious about it, there’s a news article pertaining to the event. We began talking about Berserk, how it changed out lives, our favorite characters, what was our favorite media that was inspired by Berserk. I felt I had a moment of closure with all these people I didn’t know, and we never met again. It felt so cathartic, and I was able to grieve with someone. Of course, the story is amazing. Absolutely perfect. I feel as if Shadowbringers and Endwalker really reflected our current situation with COVID, and in times of despair and grave loss, we power through to be there for each other. I just love this game, holy crap.

What’s the worst thing about the show/series/books/comics/etc.?

The WORST thing? There’s tons of frustrating things about this game. I mean... well... this is hard. I love everything about this game, and I don’t do a lot of RP, hang out and talk to people, or housing-- but I’ve heard a lot of complaints about materia melding (which I don’t do), and housing system (which I don’t have money for), and rude people. Of course there’s going to be rude people in the game, there’s rude people everywhere. You’d be hard pressed to find a community that doesn’t have its share of bad eggs. I THINK THE WORST THING (and this is stupid i know) IS THAT WE DON’T HAVE A DATING SIM KNOCK OFF. Or even, like a social bond system. It’s so dumb, but when you create such interesting, deep, and lovable characters, at least give us crumbs to see our WOL with them. CRUMBS. just tiny little mice crumbs. Oh well. I am hoping that the Island Sanctuary will allow our friends to come and visit to give their good wishes. I mean the WOL is BORED now, at least let their friends come visit them in their sanctuary. TBH I love this game, and I advise everyone to give it a try at least once. Having started at the end of Heavensward, I already feel as if my WOL has grown, matured, and changed because I have over the years. *chefs kiss*

[wayward-idiots]

The Apology of Gabriel, pt12

If you’re looking for remorse, look no further than literally anywhere but this. It’s not that kind of apology.

Characters: Sam, Gabriel Pairings: Ambiguous/Gen Summary: Sam and Gabriel talk even more nonsense. Also, Terry Pratchetty references. Is this a rerun? WARNINGS: Body image issues (Sam’s)

[first] [prev]

Gabriel's reading Reaper Man in Sam's dream.

"I did read to the end," he says. "Well. No, I didn't. I cheated. But I know how it ends."

"It's an imperfect metaphor."

"Well, Rincewind goes back to school after his adventure, so."

"Shut up," says Sam.

"The sword of a Principality isn't going to kill an archangel. There's a pecking order."

"I know," says Sam. "We're sort of low on options, is the thing."

"I have faith," Gabriel says, in a mocking sort of tone.

"You also have popcorn," Sam says. "Why do you have popcorn?" He's half-expecting to get hit in the balls again. And then the room shifts into a movie theater, small and lavish, and Sam sighs. "I'm not going to like this."

"Shh," Gabriel says. "The movie's starting."

Sam isn't sure what to expect.

A movie about the apocalypse starring Seth Rogen as himself is.

Probably what he should've expected.

"Who do you think plays me, in the movie of my life?" Gabriel asks.

"Charlie Sheen," says Sam.

Gabriel flicks popcorn at him.

"You deserve it for this."

"We could watch the new It, instead," suggests Gabriel innocently. "I haven't seen it yet, on account of being imprisoned."

"Seth Rogen is fine, I love Seth Rogen, he's the funniest man of our generation," Sam says in a rush.

"He's awful," Gabriel says.

Sam sighs. "Then why are we watching this?"

"I thought the premise might speak to you, Sam."

"It's got a distinct voice, actually."

"Oh?"

"It says, Gabriel is a dick."

"Clowns it is!"

But he doesn't actually snap his fingers. Sam munches moodily on dream popcorn and watches a bunch of unfunny assholes play themselves.

"What did I ever do to you?"

"You stabbed me with a stake repeatedly and trapped me in holy fire twice."

"That was mostly Dean. And the stakes didn't even hurt you."

"Maybe they hurt my feelings."

"You fed someone to sewer alligators."

Gabriel toss his head back and laughs. "Yeah, I did. Man, that guy was a dick."

"So are you," says Sam.

"Hey, glass houses, buddy."

"How am I a dick?"

"You're a very negative person. Very critical. A real no-fun nancy."

"I am plenty fun."

"Sam. I put you on a pristine beach and you laid around in a Speedo fidgeting because you wanted to cover body in sand so the angel that can see through your very atoms couldn't see your hot bod. I mean, why work out so much if you're not gonna show off? And don't say it's for the job, you are the most ripped hunter I have ever seen."

"I just watch my weight and nutrition and keep up an exercise regimen."

"Exactly. Why? You don't really flaunt it. Hell, you don't even wear properly fitting clothes. I get that you're tall, but yeesh."

"My clothes fit!"

"Yeah, they're long enough, but Sam. It ruins the effect of skintight v-neck undershirts if you cover them in flannel that flaps around your wait three inches in every direction."

"I don't want people staring at my chest."

"Dear Dad, why not? It's a work of art."

"Because it isn't," Sam hisses. "I don't look good, not like Dean, I'm too tall, my posture is terrible, and I keep ruining my nutritional plans eating what Dean makes and drinking beers cos they're tradition, I guess, and when we travel it's a nightmare. And also," Sam says, "maybe, just maybe, I want someone to care about me. And not my abs."

Gabriel chews the last of his mouthful of popcorn carefully. "Well," he says.

Sam rubs his eyes. "Can I at least count on you to ignore all the giant red flags for underlying pathology and just mock me for wanting true love, or something?" At least the movie's stopped playing.

"Kid," says Gabriel, "for once in your life, you've come to the right place."

[first] [prev]

[dienshutwu]

I feel so inadequate and jealous. I can’t stop comparing myself to other people. My confidence is going up and down so dramatically that it’s less of a yo-yo and more of a ball being slammed against the ceiling, falling and getting slammed to the floor, over and over. I am ugly and incompetent and undesirable and unfunny and not interesting and then suddenly I am contender for the prettiest girl in existence who is a world class genius and everyone wants to either be with me or be me, or both. (Maneater, make you work hard, make you spend hard, make you want more of her love, she’s a maneater...)

I don’t know how much longer I can take. Like, I have E cups and a WHR of 0.65 which is one of the only ways I can validate my attractiveness seeing as I have no consistent concept of what I look like, but at the same time I’ve got these disgusting hip dips that make my butt look repulsive, my boobs don’t even look big because of my fat arms and my fat hips and legs, and I have a fat stomach, too. I hate myself. I need someone to love me before I can love myself because I am too unpredictable. And it’s not wrong to say that, I don’t need to love myself first to be loved, it may be true for some people who do not feel as if they can accept love or are deserving of love but it’s bullshit to try and apply that to literally everyone. We must first feel consistently loved by our caregivers to consistently love ourselves, and if I don’t get that as a child, I will try for that as an adult.

Also, I have relapsed with self harm and I’ve been binging. Neither are helping my self esteem.

I don’t like my friends either. No matter how hard I try I can’t feel a connection to them, cannot bring myself to care for them, and it’s been months now. I cannot have a conversation with them. I cannot sit down and talk to them about anything worthwhile. I cannot even reliably make myself heard. We have nothing in common so when it changes from a group setting to a one-on-one conversation it’s just... awkward. But I’m stuck with them. They saw me sitting sad and alone by that same tree every day and came over extending friendship to me first, the bottom-feeder weird kid group is always looking for new recruits to join its ranks. It was not a naturally formed friendship. They came up to me and I could not reasonably refuse, I had no one else. And I still don’t. There are people outside this group that I have gotten along with, one-off discussions and conversations we have shared, before they have disappeared. And for the most part I’m still invisible to everyone, I’m already ‘accounted for’ almost. No one needs to take pity on me and partially why is because they KNOW that group, know what they’re like, and no one likes them, people stay away from them. So now they have to stay away from me, too. I could cry. I could whine and moan and scream that it’s not fair. At this point I’m just holding out for sixth form. What a fucking pathetic piece of shit saddo. Can’t even make friends. I am wasting my life away and I will die having contributed to and accomplished nothing. I am insignificant and worthless.

[rose-photoblog]

Thanks, Covid!

Well here we are. 8 months into a global health crisis, amidst incredibly heart wrenching yet deeply needed rounds of race uprising and a flittering version of our American democracy for all to argue about at dinner tonight! What a year to be grateful, isn’t it?? I mean, isn’t it, really!!

This year has been….hard, for all of us! No one has not been affected by some crazy, asteroid size feeling of life shift from the myriad of upsets this year; and we can likely also all agree that the word ‘upset’ is a vast understatement to the lives lost, jobs and homes uprooted.The unsettled, swirling and endless days, as the unmoored feeling of our worlds’ being turned upside down and inside out continues. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or even a poet to know it. The shit hit the fan this year and we are all part of the global clean up crew, if we like it or not. Thanks, Covid.

As a small business in the large event and wedding world, my little production company has been growing steadily into a world wide brand. No matter, 2020 had different growth plans for me and my team. Our books went from mostly full to mostly empty as so many around the world stayed home and postponed large gatherings. At first, I wasn’t worried. I was, in fact, relieved that the endless, burnout cycle we call capitalism had a forced time out. And I still do believe that our carrying capacity is being tested. This is just a test, albeit a long, drawn out and very unfunny test of patience, will and kindness, yea kindness. Bank accounts have grown small, resources meant for rainy days are put into action and the scarcity mindset tries to sneak in every day, even though I know there is plenty. I've had a solid sense of anxiety plaguing me since March 10 this year and I bet you have, too. As I sit to reflect on how grateful I am to have what I do have, I am actually a bit more worried for the long game of the world of events and yet, at the same time, more hopeful than ever for the future of my creative process, my business and thus, the world. Thanks, Covid.

Like so many of us in most any industry, my team and I had all but one project fully canceled and or postponed to 2021. I have to admit, I was reluctant at first to mask up and show up for the one, remaining project. Then I realized not only is it my job to show up and document, in this case a beautiful wedding day, but also that love always wins. This one micro wedding, in all its beautiful backyard glory with just the inner circle of family and close friends was exactly the very essence of what a wedding truly is. Strip away the ultra lux wedding venue, the over the top floral arrangements, a trolly or two overflowing of bubbly, wedding party participants to tour the most photographic locations and more spray tans than is ever ok in one holy place of worship, and you have just the couple and the people they hold dear. All the rest, as they say, is icing on the cake.

When G + E put their postponed, then canceled wedding date back on the calendar, I did choose to mask up and show up because what they ultimately chose to celebrate is the exact essence of why I started my wedding business in the very first place; because of love. And that aliveness of connection, Covid cannot take, break or destroy. In fact, if there was ever a time to show up and mask up, this is the time. I knew this in my gut before I arrived with my team to capture the day but, honestly, I sort of lost track of that feeling whilst directing my crew, doing math, being creative, playing customer service and oh, yea wearing that mask whilst slanging a few cameras!

Don’t get me wrong, the day was beautiful; the light exactly right with slightly overcast skies, perfectly popping fall hues of deep magenta and crispy gold, the year’s CUTEST flower girl and ring bearer crew and, of course, customized masks for the entire guest list. And then days later, when I sat in the editing room to cull in all our media, I recalled that gut feeling that made me show up and mask up, the essence of the wedding, the reason for the friggin' season people: LOVE. I am not over exaggerating or being dramatic when I tell you I had tears streaming down my face, big heart feels of gratitude and appreciation to know the work I do makes me feel my own humanity and therefore, it must make you feel. Humanity for humanity’s sake has a very incredible feeling to it and I’m so very glad I get to show up and be human, at least once this year! I even took off my yoga pants!! Thanks, Covid.

I opted for a career in the arts over one in politics because I wanted to make changes in smaller, concentric circles; true story, double major in Political Science and Photography. I took a hard left turn and haven’t had a chance to look back, until now. Thanks, Covid. Though here I sit studying the essence of my current business. Is it worth keeping, will it survive another 8 months like this and who cares anyway!!?? It’s more evident than ever that we have many bigger issues to tackle in our collective experience here on earth. With all this time to reflect, shift my focus and lead my remaining team onto other projects, I see that there are many more moments for us to feel our own humanity. There are projects calling for more air time and quality content; it's a space of endless possibility for a burgeoning producer like myself, having cut my own teeth in professional media production in the large event space, always keeping that back bone of political engagement through our shared humanity alive and well. I remain inspired by all my projects and it's not a coincidence that the one wedding we had this year served as a resounding reminder of why I do what I do. It's also not serendipitous that of the other few projects my team and I created this year, my lead role as director of photography feels very right. These few projects seemed to have dropped from the sky and that shows me not only do I have a lot of work yet to do, but the world also needs critical thinkers, visionaries and creatives now more than ever.

& I do have hope! I have hope that we as humans are resilient, we are adaptable and we ultimately know how to work with the essence of our own humanity. It’s the reason G + E kept their date and said “I do” in the most authentic way humanly possible, it’s why we are still meeting around tables that will have hard conversations today and it is why we keep trying to do better tomorrow. Thanks, Covid.

Whilst this may be my last blog entry for RP+ V, it most certainly is not the last Thank You note I will write. 2020 has been one helluva year and the lessons offered so far have been painful, scary, wild and incredibly sacred. Never before has a world so closely connected and intertwined shared an experience at the level of this global crisis. Each of our worlds' so small yet vast and then instantly world wide (Hello, Zoom. I love to hate you! ) If we look for more than the silver lining, if we look for the reason we do what we do, I think maybe, just maybe, we can see even more of our humanity and be ever so grateful for what we do have; shared experiences, community, fresh air, clean water and hope for our collective future. Thanks, Covid.

I look forward to tomorrow, to the days ahead to build a new world that works for us all and celebrates those who have come before us by cherishing the hard lessons we've learned through our shared humanity.

love,

Rose

[lovelylovablesnails]

A Quick Guide to Pentagon

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Hello, friends! It's me, your host to our quick run-through of the amazing group that is Pentagon!

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INTRODUCTION:

You may feel that you have heard the name Pentagon floating around before. And you probably have! They had one of the most successful comebacks of 2018 with their song ‘Shine’!

And they have just finished participating in the Mnet show ‘Road to Kingdom!

Now that we have caught up on where Pentagon are, let’s take a look at how Pentagon came to be. 

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HISTORY:

Pentagon was formed by Cube Entertainment through a show called ‘Pentagon Maker.’ The members Jinho, Hui, Hongseok, E’Dawn, Shinwon, Yeo One, Yanan, Yuto, Kino, and Wooseok became the group we know and love today!

They made their debut with title track ‘Gorilla’ off the EP ‘PENTAGON’. 

(I highly recommend listening to the EP, ‘Smile’ is my favorite track ^^)

They have since come back with EP after EP, reaching a total of eight Korean and two Japanese EPs within three years! The members have put out a lot of music in a vast variety of genres: from electronic to rock, there’s sure to be a song for you!

Their latest comeback was in February of 2020 with ‘Dr. Bebe’ off the album ‘The Black Hall’! 

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AN ABRUPT BUT MUCH NEEDED EXPLANATION:

Before I can get into the members, I will have to explain the current situation the group is in. 

In September 2018, E’Dawn left both Pentagon and Cube Entertainment.

Starting in July 2019, Yanan has been on hiatus due to health reasons. 

As of May 2020, Jinho has enlisted for mandatory military service and is expected to return in less than two years.

Due to these circumstances, there are currently 9 official members with only 7 of them active.

For the sake of this guide, I have decided to focus on the official members of the group. But! E’Dawn has re-debuted under the name DAWN and is now working as a solo artist producing music so please show him a lot of love and support in his future works!

Onto the members!

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THE MEMBERS:

Jinho

Our petite vocalist with larger than life pipes!

He may be small in stature, but he is very big in sass and does not hold back his tongue. 

He is known for his incredible vocals! He regularly uploads covers of various artists at the end of every month, check them out here! 

A little bit of a scaredy-cat. Easily Startled Squad 1/3

Hui

The reason (along with several other members!) why Pentagon has two Japanese EPs, eight Korean EPs, and a full album along with other singles.

He has written and composed a lot of songs that you might be surprised by! Shine - Pentagon? Hui! Energetic - Wanna One? Hui! Dramatic - BVNDIT? Hui!

His super power is his bank account.

Random fact! Hui has always reminded me of carrots for no particular reason and I share this information with all of you so I will no longer suffer alone in associating him with a vegetable :)

Hongseok

Secretary of the Big Tiddie Committee™ by day, a muscle man always.

Neutral evil. There’s no explanation, it’s just fact. Beware of the chocolate abs, they can be used as a threat and he most definitely will threaten.

Underrated vocalist. He expressed in the past that he could sing the high note for Dr. Bebe but he is being held back and I demand justice for him. if he says he can do it then let him do it cowards

Extra Squad 1/2

Shinwon

Easily Startled Squad 2/3, Extra Squad 2/2, Tall Line 1/3, Pentagon 1/9. A man of various characteristics, a real Renaissance man. 

The Scream. One of his many skills. If you do not know what The Scream™ is, fret not! You will know exactly what it is once you hear it. 

Another underrated vocalist! He has a very soothing and low voice great for ballads and for The Scream™

He does not lie, he is an honest man!

Yeo One

A beam of actual sunshine!

My favorite vocalist! He has a very solid singing voice and it is everything I wish Disney princes sounded like.

Traitor to the Corny Party and a new member of the Funny Party! He is very funny in an unfunny sort of way which is my personal favorite type of funny, but I am still upset over the betrayal ;-;

He uploads ASMR videos once every so often! There’s no playlist by the official channel yet so I organized a playlist here!

Yanan

The absolute most softest and the absolute most precious. 

Everyone is so whipped for him and for good reason! He’s just too sweet and gentle for anyone to not love him T^T

Be careful though. The duality in this man is strong. The Scorpio energy really shines through when you least expect it to. 

Model-like visuals and model-like proportions! no seriously he has legs for days

Yuto 

“YuTO dA”

He has a very distinctive voice! If it weren’t for his little catchphrase, I am sure you would still be able to tell who is rapping by his deeper and slightly raspy tone.

Tall Line 2/3 and Easily Startled Squad 3/3. Don’t let your initial impression fool you, this man is a whole softie and deserves all of the protection. 

Speaking of softie, he is very affectionate towards his members! You can often catch him just slinging his arms around someone and it just makes me soft I-

Kino

Everyone’s first bias, our main dancer Kino!

He was meant to be on stage! He has some crazy stage presence, captivating facial expressions, and his dancing is among the best. 

“I’M SeNsiTive aUbrEY” He is also known in the group for being a pretty sensitive person. He is the funnest to teach but the least likely to respond kindly to teasing so it makes for an entertaining situation every single time!

He also holds a radio-style show every Monday called Kino’s KiSing Booth! You can tune in on Pentagon’s V Live!

Wooseok

The maknae, the giant, the dolphin, Wooseok!

I know I said that Yanan has legs for days, but Wooseok has legs for years, please google the term ‘wooseok legs’ and observe for yourself. He isn’t Tall Line 3/3 for no reason.

Not an official vocalist, but he can hit the highest note in the group! His human exterior is the perfect cover-up for the dolphin hiding inside.

If you have a younger sibling or friend in your life, then congratulations! You have a real-life specimen to observe that perfectly reflects Wooseok’s behavior! Loud, extra, and lovable!

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EXTRA RESOURCES:

To listen to them on Spotify, click here!

For a playlist of all their title track MVs, click here!

For a playlist of my personal b-side recommendations, click here!

And finally, if you have made the wonderful decision to stan Pentagon and would like to know them more than this quick guide offered, here is a more extensive guide that really helps in getting to know the members better and gives you fandom inside jokes!

ENDING REMARKS:

All in all, Pentagon are wonderful artists with beautiful songs that all listeners can enjoy! They may not be the most popular group, but they also have a very kind and understanding fan base that are more than happy to accept newcomers.

I highly encourage you guys to support and stan Pentagon!

Let’s love Pentagon together!