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#I’ll try and be better and reach out
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【Update on extended hiatus】
i published this on X/ Twitter and am sharing the same picture without any edits lol as a gist of the situation~ 🙇‍♀️
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supercalime · 6 months
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Honest question, why do yall care? I mean, if it’s real, good for them but like, this feels so gross. I’ve seen how fans treat them like characters, they deserve all the privacy they can get, relationship or not
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ecoqueer · 2 years
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I wish that people gave a shit about nonbinary people who don’t use they/them pronouns. You can literally give your friend group (which includes another nonbinary person) a list of your favorite pronouns, none of which include they/them, and mention several times that you don’t like they/them pronouns for yourself, but they’ll make the switch from she/her pronouns to…they/them. And feel super proud of themselves for being sooo progressive as to use they/them pronouns for you….when those aren’t your pronouns.
I think that saying “he she and they are my least favorite but are fine in combination with other things…I’m really fine with any neos but here’s a list of my faves that you can choose from!” Is polite and not a difficult request. I’m not good at being a pushy person, and I shouldn’t need to be.
#it screams#i guess I’ll pull the lists out again and re-link them#but the aforementioned friends view messages from me as a chore and check them rarely so when they do they’ve built up and so just skim#everything#which I’m fucking tired of#I’ve been going back and forth on whether it’s better to have no friends or a few friends who make you feel shitty#dunno which is worse#they also are extremely cavalier with covid while knowing I have no health insurance#and have supported some statements/actions that really make me sad#so idk I might be basically friendless at this point#i hold on for too long to people who have clearly moved on and don’t much care about being my friend anymore#I’ve tried reaching out a few times to no avail so idk I might just give up#try to cultivate online relationships more#which feels pretty impossible to me#sigh#I’ve been not able to sleep well#because of issues in my life with…all of the few people in it#issues that could be solved if I had kept a wider support network#instead of getting trapped with someone who was abusing me and my friends who don’t seem to give a shit about that and expressed more#concern for him than for me when the news was revealed to them#again I don’t have health insurance so no therapist#which I fucking desperately need right now#i have no one separate to talk to#the one who knows all of the different factors from all of the angles…is the abuser#i feel like I’m in so much fucking pain and I feel so alone and all of the people in my life who are supposed to be my loved ones#are standing around me ignoring me completely and acting like everything is okay#just causing me more and more pain#well this didn’t start out intended as a vent but it sure turned into one huh#i wish I could convey to y’all the desperation and loneliness and aching that I feel#vent
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rosicheeks · 3 months
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🙃
#just want to apologize to anyone who has tried to reach out lately#just like I texted my friend I’ll tell you guys the same#haven’t been talking to a lot of people lately tbh#pretty sure I’ve mentioned php a few times by now#monday was my last day#and I was feeling on top of the world on Monday#I don’t remember the last time I was so genuinely happy#figured it was the med change or something#so I was feeling pretty optimistic#I’m in between programs now#and today was not the best#not as bad as some of my days#but definitely not even near the day I had on Monday#I just wish I could feel that every single day#I’m working on it but still#waiting to start ‘adult day treatment’ and case management#and I think case management will help me find a place??? I’m not sure exactly but that’s kinda what I was getting#which honestly? I know I’ve bitched about how badly I need to move#but while I was in php I realized I don’t think I’ll truly be able to heal while I’m living here… and that’s a scary thought#idk there’s a lot more deeper things that I don’t wanna talk about#but the fact I don’t have space and I don’t feel safe and comfortable here is hard….#my ‘safe’ space was my car but now that I’m trying to quit smoking my car isn’t the best place for me#I’ve been kinda getting used to my room and I’m finally trying to move a few things around#(now that I have a little energy again)#it’s just……. my arachnophobia is KILLING me here#in the past week I don’t even know how many spiders I’ve seen and killed#they haven’t been crazy and I recognize I don’t live in Australia or places where the spiders are as big as fucking cars#I came home and I was in a good mood until I saw a spider in my room 🙃🙃🙃 tried to vacuum it but not sure if I got it……..#so guess im sleeping on the couch….. again…. but can’t help think if out here is any better…#shut up rosie
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I’m so close to buying a betta off of Facebook marketplace
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fruityfroggy · 4 months
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Love how ONE of my characters is just way more built than everyone else cuz I’m coping so so hard it’s not even funny
I’m not ready to let her go just yet, so hard copium it is
Jiu IS NOT REPLACING YOU POOKIE!!! YOU TWO CAN WORK TOGETHER CUZ I SAID SO
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harmonizewithechoes · 1 month
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chikoyama · 4 months
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(( status update: amazing news! i’m unemployed again so i should have plenty of time on my hands to have fun. it’s a relief bc capitalist society was truly no enjoyable place for me. 😖
aaaAAAAaah, i really wanna have fun or just talk to people! we can play games, pick tarot cards, reinvent the world, start a book club, watch movies/videos, bitch about people or the world, casually fuck around, share traumatic stories, bully our muses etc. i’m up for most things if anybody wants to!
i’m trying my hardest not to be weird but sometimes i just can’t help it. i just get too excited… ))
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hobisexually · 5 months
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long winded rant in the tags coming that’s partly about weight but in a very unfiltered sad way so if that triggers you do Not read on
#on holiday I was like oHHHHH this is what living in the moment is! What listening to your body is! what not worrying about how you look is#but doing what makes you happy#and then …… I came home and got sent the pictures#+ my friend being. unintentionally fatphobic as fuck#while hurtful as fuck too#and it’s all just been piling up too since I got home because I’ve been having a lot of conversations and seeing a lot of people that#confront me with who I used to be and who I am now and how I’m really not happy with that#and it feels like it’s not gonna get better#like I’m destined to be in a job I like but isn’t what I want because I’m not capable enough and I’ll never know what romantic requited love#feels like. I’ll never cure my vaginismus I’ll never be able to let someone in or they won’t want me this is just it for me#and SOMEHOW the way I look has become the ultimate culmination of all those things?#my face is suddenly a woman in her thirties face#I keep gaining weight despite not even eating all that much because FUCKING PCOS makes it impossible#my hair in my face grew back. my stomach is hairy and that plus the added beer belly just makes it look like I’m a 50 year old man#I am soooooooo tired of the dysphoria#and the way pcos ruins fucking everything because I can restrict calories all I want and move all I want but will it help ? No !#and of the fact that it impacts the way I feel about myself so much because I’m convinced now I’ll never find anyone#should have tried harder when I was 21 because that was the only time in my life I reasonably fit society’s standards like That was my shot#I’ve been taking supplements everyone says will help but I’m not sure I noticed anything in the past six months and I can’t take berberine#because it fucks with my heart medication. which. That too. I have that too#and I’m in pain! All the time now! ALL THE TIME so I can’t even work out to keep the weight stable because guess what ?#just after a normal day at the office I come home and have to lie down because everhthing hurts so much !#today I got an impromptu massage in an attempt to feel better but it didn’t fix shit and I had to buy clothes for kings day after#and I didn’t try them on just quickly grabbed some orange shit to try on at home and at what I saw in the mirror I genuinely got nauseous#I just don’t know who that is in the mirror but it’s not me and I can’t accept it. I’ve been trying so hard but I can’t#it genuinely makes me so sad and I keep telling myself that a reduction will help in feeling more like myself and it will help with the pain#but what if it doesn’t? what if my pain doesn’t go away after af all and my stomach just juts out and I feel like a gremlin all the time#what then. what the fuck do we do then. also I’m so fucking scared of that surgery anyway that I don’t fucking want to do it anymore#I want so many things and all of them feel out of reach and I know my own brain is my worst enemy and it’s not rooted in anything real but.#Isn’t it? really — isn’t it???????
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euphor1a · 8 months
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You ever talk with someone and realize holy shit maybe I’m not the problem, I wasn’t the one all along....
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deityofhearts · 6 months
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ya know it’s honestly funny and weirdly comforting when my friends call me a fake gremlin or green tea bitch because like despite that they still love me and like having me around
#deity dialogue#idk like I’m the past I’ve struggled a lot with like ‘performative positivity’ where I wouldn’t ever let myself be anything other than peppy#24/7 even when it was exhausting and I wasn’t happy#and then irl I deal a lot with being treated like an idiot and infantalized and so I’ve in an attempt to make myself feel better#started to lean into it like sure make whatever assumptions you want about me I’ll find a way to benefit from you treating me like this#I’ll pretend to be an uwu sweet angel if that pleases you or whatever.#but like it’s also nice because like around my friends and loved ones I can have actual emotions other than happiness 24/7#that being said I still talk like an elementary school teacher I cannot change this I’m sorry#that’s not fake I just talk Like That I know I use and excessive amount of exclamation points and question marks this won’t change lmao#I also like to think I’m somewhat peppy and social? sure my social skills suck ass and I’m terrified of everyone ever#but I also love to talk to people and hear from people I’m just kinda at a point where I struggle to even reach out first to most people any#more. it feels like if I try to maintain contact or reach out first that I’m overstepping and should be killed in sight lmao#so again sorry if y’all don’t hear from me much or at all it’s not anything y’all did I just struggle a lot and idk how to not T-T#I have to hope that someday it’ll get easier#rn the main thing helping is the reassurance and patience from ny beloved friends <3 I love my friends sm#the tags r all over the place sorry I’m half asleep
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neogotmyblack · 9 months
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Clearing my drafts bc over the past year I felt a twinge of the chance to offer folks an out or a grace period, so to speak, to get themselves together, but after due consideration I shouldn’t have to hunt, scroll, check and follow up to see if someone un-racists themselves tbh. I may go back and see if they redeemed themselves when addressed and if I see they did, I’ll qrb my own post and say as such, but I’m not a detective. As such, I’ll also not go back to see how active someone is or isn’t anymore.
If I see the thing happened at any point, I’m posting it which will explain the flurry of posts suddenly this morning that were released from my drafts and a potential barrage of posts I may make later. That includes things from over years that I’ll transfer from my notepad, bc originally I started keeping the screencaps and names there & once I started posting here, I paused posting old ones in favor of the most recent transgressions as they happened. Maybe the writers acct is still up, maybe it isn’t; dc. I’m keeping the names on my notepad with a note but all pic evidence will go here with their @ as well bc i don’t see why I should have it taking space on my phone 🤷🏾‍♀️ Maybe the screen-cap is 3 years old, maybe they don’t even have tumblr anymore, iDC. Maybe I’ll use queue, maybe I won’t.
☼༄I always keep track of changed usernames or extra accts of that person that may pop up in my reading while perusing the tags & they note it in their bio or w/e in my phone too so there’s a paper trail (so to speak) so obviously I’ll be adding that lol
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myname-isnia · 9 months
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Idk why I thought the new year would suddenly bring immense change to me as a person, it was such a childish belief, I can’t believe I let myself fall for it. The years go by but I remain the messed up anxious wreck who starts crying the second she’s left alone with her thoughts. The new year won’t change anything, nothing will
#just look at me#I could very possibly graduate from school in half a year and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life#I can’t take the slightest bit of criticism or else I’ll feel like shit for a week#I need to be staring at a screen at all hours of the day because if I don’t distract myself I will break down#I’m so obsessed with pleasing people that when I can’t fulfill the simplest of requests I want to die#indulging in hobbies. things that are supposed to be enjoyable. feels like hell for me#through all my years of creating there is only one piece I can honestly say I like and am proud of#and I haven’t even touched writing since because I’m scared of not being able to reach that high again#art comes a little easier but I’m only capable of one or two pieces a month#I don’t have anyone irl whom I trust. I’m so lonely that I literally have imaginary friends. at 17#and I still haven’t figured out my gender or what pronouns I prefer. I don’t even like the name I picked for myself#I could go on forever#I don’t know how anyone puts up with me. I know I wouldn’t if I had the choice#I keep going on and on about how I want to get better. I don’t want to be so miserable all the time#but I just don’t know how#I try to be kinder with myself and I’ve been pretty successful at it but.. it doesn’t help#I can be soft and gentle all I want. it won’t make everything else go away#so there’s nothing left for me to do but cry all alone in my apartment at 2 a.m#I guess
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verdemoth · 1 year
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mm goin through the horrors. the horrors are bad i can’t recommend the horrors.
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jeezypetes · 2 years
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Ahhhh the job I thought i didn’t get bc they never got back to me after my interview (which I thought went really well) just reached out to me bc apparently the person they tried to hire backed out.,.. and now its gonna be like another month of wondering if I’m gonna have to decide if I want to move to another state where I don’t know anyone. And i was kind of relieved when i never heard back bc I’m really happy here with my family and gf and friends but the fact is my job here is a contract with very slim hopes of developing into a real job with benefits and i live with my parents bc i love them and our house and our town but i know i have to seriously consider this opportunity bc it would be a good career move and i want to live a rich and interesting life. But I don’t want to talk about it with anyone irl because my dad has covid which has been my number 1 fear since the start of the pandemic (he’s 71 and immunocompromised but he’s doing well and not needed the hospital) and I just want to be able to only worry about that I can’t even talk about the job thing which i drove myself and everyone around me crazy with already back in October. Which is why I’m just posting it vjfdhk I’m being tormented by forces beyond my control i feel like this is the sort of thing it would be really helpful to believe in God about
#like people who say He has a plan which i guess is comforting but his plans are so inscrutable they may as well be random. but some people#think he wants the best for us??? which seems so unlikely to me I can’t even try to believe it#anyways i think my dad willbe fine but I’m worried about long term health issues which would make it really really hard to move away bc my#mom is already basically disabled. and i want the house I want it so bad but I can’t afford to buy it from them bc our neighborhood has#gotten sooo much more expensive then it was when they moved here in the 80s and i know they’re planning on selling it to fund their#retirement. but i love it here so much I want to live here forever and die here but its not realistic and maybe it would be easier if i#moved away and put down roots somewhere else and then it will be less painful when they sell the house and less painful when they die#i just want things ro stay likethis forever I’ve#spent so much time these past few years walking around this neighborhood its like the veins in my arms i can live other places i have for#years but they never get this deep im so scared for the futuy#future but there’s absolutely nothing i can do to stop it. except kill myself i guess but it’s#not nearly at that point yet ckgdf it would make a lot of people very upset. it is sort of comforting to remember though i have that option.#god i hope they don’t offer me the job I’m a wreck just thinking about it#i really haven’t made any special efforts to reach out to them or anything. obv I wasn’t their first choice i have no idea if I’m their#second. i think they really liked me but I’m guessing im younger and less experienced than other candidates#hi if ur reading this btw its me a stranger on the internet and you know something my closest friends and family don’t know. congrats#I’ll talk to someone in a few days when my dad is feeling better. really hope my mom doesn’t get sick too she’s been coughing a bit but#testing negative. idc if i get covid i actually hope i get it bc that will prove I didn’t give it to my dad asymptotically#that’s not a secret i toldmy mom she was like jesus Christ don’t think like that
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d2myg · 1 year
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#if i did want to get better and actually live my life and care about it instead of just existing it’s not like i’d know where to start anywa#anyway#idk why but i’m just terrified of going to a health center or whatever#like that way i would actually have to admit that something is wrong with me#the worst part is that i’m scared of getting help and of getting better#is that normal?#idk since this year started i’ve been telling myself that i’ll try to contact the health center and make an appointment#it’s not like it’s super difficult or expensive and people do it all the time#but it’s already april#maybe it’s just never bad enough for me to admit to myself that i can’t handle it by myself anymore and i do need help#i mean i don’t even reach out to anyone when i feel like shit i just let it wash over me#and i kind of like it? because it’s just an excuse for taking a break from everything#instead of facing my responsibilities#it’s always been manageable#i’m on my 3rd degree and living alone in a foreign country by myself and i’m managing so it can’t be that bad right#idk#then on the rare occasion that i do go to class or see my friends i’m fine. like i wasn’t in bed for multiple days before this#it’s like i can switch it off and pretend like i’m a normal person#when i know that multiple of my friends are in similar situations but they actually do the work to get better and do so many other things#for me it’s like#i just let life happen to me#i feel like i’m missing out on everything#but the truth is that i’m just so fucking tired#and i don’t want to do anything at all#and idk if i’m like in survival mode or in the middle of an extreme burnout#but i’ve been like this for years#and as i get older it keeps getting worse#and i don’t really know why? why am i so tired#why am i incapable of doing anything at all without herculean effort#eli.txt
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