#I try to be kinder with myself and I’ve been pretty successful at it but.. it doesn’t help

[myname-isnia]

Idk why I thought the new year would suddenly bring immense change to me as a person, it was such a childish belief, I can’t believe I let myself fall for it. The years go by but I remain the messed up anxious wreck who starts crying the second she’s left alone with her thoughts. The new year won’t change anything, nothing will

[criminologykee]

Preparing for 2023...

2022 is coming to a close, and it’s around this time that I start thinking about my intentions for the year going forward; my goals, or things I want to see, experience, and achieve. A new year can feel like a lot of pressure - pressure to be perfect, to get everything right, to reinvent yourself, and to lead the best life you can, but I think it’s important not to hold such high expectations of the year ahead.

With that said, I want to share some ideas of things you can do before the end of 2022 to ensure you have a smooth journey into the new year, and hopefully start on a positive note. As they say, start as you mean to go on.

All of these things will hopefully be small, simple, and achievable actions to carry out over the next few days. So, let’s get into it…

Digital Cleanse Decluttering is one of my favourite things to do before the end of the year, because I love going into a New Year feeling like I have space for new things and new experiences.   For a digital declutter, you can delete unused apps, delete or reorganise your playlists, declutter your files on your laptop/computer, delete photos you don’t want anymore and organise your photos into folders, unsubscribe from mailing lists, and change any passwords you may need to change! I also like doing unfollow/unfriend sprees on my socials to make sure I’m connecting with the people I really care about, and I’m not still friends with or following people who make me feel bad!

Physical Declutter Like a digital declutter, this will just help you clear up some space for things in the New Year. Whether it’s your closet, your desk, your junk drawers, or even emptying your tote bag of receipts (just me?). Now’s the time to donate/recycle old clothes, clean out old/empty or expired makeup and cosmetic items, and get rid of the random wires you never need but have kept for years.

Clean Once you’ve decluttered, it’s time to clean! Clean your phone and laptop, change your bedsheets, dust your shelves - just get your space as clean as you can to really start fresh for the new year. This is also a great time to organise your belongings after you’ve decluttered. Make sure everything has a home and is as tidy as you can get it - you can always revisit things each month or quarter to free up some more space and keep your environment tidy. 

Get Organised Start adding important dates to your diary, calendar, google calendar, etc. so you don’t forget important dates or double book events! I personally have a physical diary and calendar, and a digital calendar which syncs to my laptop and phone so I can be sure I won’t miss anything. If you need to plan your budget, now’s the time to do that too. 

Goals and/or Intentions As 2022 comes to a close, it’s probably time to start setting some goals and intentions for the new year ahead. New Year Resolutions aren’t really for me, but instead I tend to set a few achievable goals and some good intentions. For example, in 2022, my goal was to do one fun thing a month - whether that was a concert, a comic con, a day trip, a holiday, or even small things like a cinema trip to a film I’ve been desperate to see - and I’m pretty sure I was successful, probably even more so than I had expected to be! Intentions are new to me, I’ve been setting daily intentions when I remember, but my intentions for 2023 are as simple as being kinder to myself, trying my best, and picking up some old hobbies away from my phone!   Write your intentions and goals down somewhere, or get creative and make a moodboard or vision board for the year. You could even write down the steps you need to take or changes you can make to achieve your goals and intentions to help you when you’re feeling demotivated or stuck.

Reflect on 2022 As much as we tend to look forward as one year comes to an end, I think it’s just as important to look back on the year we’ve just experienced and reflect on it. Think about the things you achieved, how you changed for better or maybe even for worse, things you needed more of, things you want less of, etc. All of these things will help you know exactly what you want to get out of 2023!

That’s pretty much everything I’m doing over the next few days! I’d love to know if there’s anything you’re doing to prepare yourself for the year ahead. 

Wishing you all the best for 2023! 

See you there Kee

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[sweetswesf]

Check In - First Post of 2023

What I Did

Started writing in my “Calm the Chaos” journal where I reflect on the day and set the intentions for the next

Waking up earlier to actually get a workout AND work in the day on a typical work schedule: 9 AM - 5 PM

Ended a 14+-year situationship with my first love…I think it may be an unrequited love

Had a difficult conversation with my grandmother while reminding myself that my feelings were valid

Completed the “Learn Your Values” deck exercise

Rescheduled a non-work interview about my experiences transitioning from Apprentice since I’m unemployed…I no longer want to offer that info, especially since when things get posted about me ALL my damn connections from high school to now and beyond get notified smdh…

What I Learned

I’m stronger & more capable than I thought I was

Recursion

My top 10 values are, in this order: spirituality (religiosity), health, career, self-respect, purpose, growth, social connection, love, success, and self-discipline

Because Trevor didn’t want to do the daily show, they replace the WHOLE DAMN SHOW! 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️ I guess everyone losing they jobs…damn…they were doing so good though! Smdh Trevor…

Feeling

Like I’m always there and have to keep going

I’ve been getting a little headache here and there and I’m pretty exhausted by it, but, bought a new pillow and will try to drink more water to see if that will help…reminding myself not to worry about tomorrow

Practicing more self-respect but making sure I’m not just trying to protect my ego…I’d rather share a testimony once I’m out than share my plans, ya feel?

Takeaways

I may have to say bye to gym bae…I do like that gym a bit better, but it’s an extra 15 - 25 minutes sometimes to get to that I don’t have the luxury of spending

I need to prioritize self-respect over career

What Made Me Cry

Ending my situationship with the friend…he made me cry on the first Monday of the year smdh…why’d I give him that power?….

How I Got Myself Out of a Rut

Reminded myself that my current actions will not get me to where I want to be in 6 months

Reminded myself that I can really change my life for good if I focus and change my ways these next 6 months

Reminded myself that God has something better

Retail therapy

Goals Completed

Found a therapist

Stopped listening to people worried about their own circumstances and remembering God works on his own time and that I am in no rush...

Got back on the ball

Being kinder to myself and stopping guilting myself if my energy isn't always on 100%

Goals After Today

Strengthen my relationship with God

Understand the main concepts I need to from Interview Cake, AlgoExpert, etc. in 6 months, NOT less than 3

Drop my body fat percentage to Marion Jones, Michaela Cole, or Jade Cargill levels

Consistently fight urge to fill up my time with social media/YouTube

Fully forgive my family & build a great relationship with them

Be more confident & faithful

150 steps/hour & 10k steps/daily consistently

Drink more than 64oz a day consistently

Go on a date with a guy I actually like who actually likes me too

Learn more about my gym crush & get him to ask for my number

Get a house similar to that one in Spain

Update my personal app

[alovevigilante]

We were at the pool today. My ma took a few of the worst pics of me, as of late. I hate posing for photos. I look at them, and judge myself harshly. I looked nothing like I look here, when I have control of the camera. I don’t show you my extra, I got going on all around all over here, on me. The quarantine…. Let’s just say I ate my way through it… and it kinda snuck up on me and hit me like a ton of bricks when I couldn’t put on my old jeans comfortably without the additional muffin top, because I favored my spandex instead of them. (See next post for details…)

I was trying to figure out how to change my negative thought process about how I see myself physically. How do I look at ass photos of myself, without judging myself harshly? I’m asking. Seriously. It’s not a rhetorical question. Well, maybe I can start by not calling a picture of me, ass.

The other day I thought I’d try to find something to love about the things on my body I don’t. And I thought I’d try my hand at writing a love letter 💌 to my cellulite and extra lbs. but I can’t just say nice things and lie. I have to be completely honest, and choose things I can say that I will believe. That’s a tall order. How do I change the way I perceive this situation when ever since I can remember it’s been a really tough thing for me to appreciate? And if I lie, I’ll know about it. And I won’t buy into it, and I’ll feel worse. So, this is a great exercise for me, without busting my ass any more than I physically already have today. Ok?! Ok! So join me, won’t you? Here goes:

Dear cellulitis and other extra lbs on me,

Hello darlings…

Ok, I’m already in trouble, as I am not fond of cellulite or extra pounds, so they are not darlings to me. But saying, ��hello assholes” isn’t nice to me either. What do you do, when you have things you can’t immediately control, about yourself that you don’t appreciate? Can you appreciate them? How do you focus on fixing what you deem as a problem without getting lost in “the problem”?

My, this is a conundrum… well, I did what I could do for today. What the hell else do I want from myself?! I can’t change it overnight! Jeez! Come onnnn, me! Give me a break! I went on a walk with my son, I did the brutal but eventually effective “Tracy Anderson” murder mat tape, which I could define better. I will call it, “yay tough for now but easier later sooooo good for me probably will not be able to walk or move for a week afterward but god bless here’s hoping I will feel less pain eventually and work out the lactic acidosis well Tracy may be wee, but she’s fiercely strong for a small woman, but that’s her job, she ducking MADE it her job, and she’s successful. Why don’t i make it my job too?! Cause I’m not built like her, and being a fitness expert isn’t me. Why don’t i get a job?! I can’t figure out what to go back to. Why aren’t I a success too?! I don’t have a good answer for that. And why doesn’t she have rolls like me when she sits down I sometimes have to tuck my belly into the elastic of my underwear when I decide to wear it. yes! I do that, harsh judges of me both internally and then subsequently externally! Do I got a problem with extreme honesty about myself?! Huh?! Huh?! Yeah! Yeahhhhh that’s what I THOUGHT (holy crap)” tape. And I did think that. So, I can choose to once again, think differently, and more positively.

Seriously… she looks amazing! Tracy is a woman whose exercise videos are great, and are challenging for me to do on the daily because I’m out of practice. So Tracy Anderson isn’t the issue. The issue is me. The issue is what and how I feel about myself. I went on the treadmill after I saw this photo…. Inspired action, yes. But what was the inspiration? Fear of rejection or self love? A little mixed bag, I think.

So, because I feel the way I do, I am also avoiding grains and sugar like a mother that I am. And I’m drinking so much water that I’m spending 20 out of the 24 hours, peeing! What more can I do?! Well, maybe I can give myself a ducking break in the meantime. Maybe, I can do something else and not think about my bigger arms, stomach and thighs. Breaking from that train of thought will allow me a brain vacation away from judging my extra pounds and cellulite, and from hurting my own feelings. Maybe, in the meantime, I can appreciate my new boobs, which grew a whole cup size with the weight gain. Yay boobies!!!!

Well, that’s one way to look at it. Another, is not to look at it for awhile. Maybe I can go listen to music, or dance, or learn how to play the accordion or buy up all the tickets to a blue grass concert and give them away for free like some super cool people do. Whatever I decide, I’m going to choose to do something that is actually good for me, that I can enjoy and appreciate while I change for my more desired results! I can decide to think better about myself, so I can make choices, that will lead to better options to aid in my happiness down the line.

Now, I was just reminded by myself, that my ass is bigger too. That is a subjective thing whether it’s good or bad, but since we’re trying to make better thought choices let’s say, like Martha Stewart says hopefully about her ass, that it’s “a good thing”. Since my boobies are now huge, I’m now balanced. Bigger boobies, bigger culi too. Stands to reason. Ok! Great! I’ll start my letter again…

Dear extra on me that I once didn’t appreciate,

Guess what?! I like my bigger boobies! You’re still pretty perky. Also, to my culo, yes, you are bigger, but now we can wear tighter clothing with a greater effect! Yes! We are more pronounced in our lady regions…. Nice! And I’m actively toning the rest nicey nice like to match the other parts I enjoy, so, that’s cool too! Healthy me? Yes please! Ok! Great!

Hugs n kisses,

Me

See?! I’m going to figure out how to get right with me now if it kills me! No. We don’t want it to kill, we just want to be happier, right ladies who judge their bodies on the regular like me?! Don’t let this happen to you! Choose to find something about you to appreciate, and bolster the crap out of that until you notice that you’re happier. The rest will fall into place. But don’t let it fall too far down, otherwise you’ll need a bra, and I’ve given up bras for quarantine. And I’m not mad about it. There are positives to everything. Yes. And if you deem a photo of yourself ass that people take of you, don’t look. That’s one way to lose the weight. You can also make healthier choices, which includes thinking kinder thoughts about the things that you aren’t wild about in your life, or not wild about in you. 🙈🤷‍♀️😉🤣💕

Appendices: Openness to experience, is one factors of the 5 factor model, aka the 5 main personality traits in psychology. And there are 6 facets of openness (see below). I enjoy stretching my brain, and stretching my own blocks to honesty about myself, and my own personal blocks to love. Thank you, for coming with me on my journey to becoming more open about myself only. 😊

(The pie charts above and below are not mine. The openness chart below does not represent me. It’s only meant as an example of the 6 facets of openness to experience that I enjoy experimenting with on myself in a rudimentary way in my life.)

P.P. S. For those of you like me interested in learning more about how your brain structures affect your personality and how your experiences affect it as well, check out this article about how the 2 are linked. Cool stuff! It won’t let me cut and paste from safari or add the link, but the article is called, “brain structures correspond to different facets of personality” from psypost.org.)

[default-cube]

So I've never actually seen /u/ryans01 excellent post re-posted here on tumblr, and I think it could help a lot of people, so I'll repost it below. Link to the original

Ouch. Sounds like you're having a tough time max. That sucks. I've been there, so I kinda know what you're talking about. I've been in the ever circling vortex of self doubt, frustration, and loathing. It's no bueno. I know. If you don't mind lemme tell you a couple things. You can read em if you want, read em again later if you feel like it. But honestly man, if I spend all this time typing this out to you and you don't let it be a little tinder for your fire, well, you're just letting us both down. And you don't HAVE to do that. You don't HAVE to do anything. But you get to choose.

(Who am I? My name’s Ryan and I live in Canada. Just moved to a new city for a dream job that I got because of the rules below. I owe a lot of my success to people much cooler, kinder, more loving and greater than me. When I get the chance to maybe let a little bit of help out, it’s a way of thanking them. )

Rule numero uno - There are no more zero days. What's a zero day? A zero day is when you don't do a single fucking thing towards whatever dream or goal or want or whatever that you got going on. No more zeros. I'm not saying you gotta bust an essay out everyday, that's not the point. The point I'm trying to make is that you have to make yourself, promise yourself, that the new SYSTEM you live in is a NON-ZERO system. Didnt' do anything all fucking day and it's 11:58 PM? Write one sentence. One pushup. Read one page of that chapter. One. Because one is non zero. You feel me? When you're in the super vortex of being bummed your pattern of behaviour is keeping the vortex goin, that's what you're used to. Turning into productivity ultimate master of the universe doesn't happen from the vortex. It happens from a massive string of CONSISTENT NON ZEROS. That's rule number one. Do not forget.

La deuxieme regle - yeah i learnt french. its a canadian thing. please excuse the lack of accent graves, but lemme get into rule number 2. BE GRATEFUL TO THE 3 YOU'S. Uh what? 3 me's? That sounds like mumbo jumbo bullshit. News flash, there are three you's homeslice. There's the past you, the present you, and the future you. If you wanna love someone and have someone love you back, you gotta learn to love yourself, and the 3 you's are the key. Be GRATEFUL to the past you for the positive things you've done. And do favours for the future you like you would for your best bro. Feeling like shit today? Stop a second, think of a good decision you made yesterday. Salad and tuna instead of Big Mac? THANK YOU YOUNGER ME. Was yesterday a nonzero day because you wrote 200 words (hey, that's all you could muster)? THANK YOU YOUNGER ME. Saved up some coin over time to buy that sweet thing you wanted? THANK YOU. Second part of the 3 me's is you gotta do your future self a favour, just like you would for your best fucking friend (no best friend? you do now. You got 2. It's future and past you). Tired as hell and can't get off reddit/videogames/interwebs? fuck you present self, this one's for future me, i'm gonna rock out p90x Ab Ripper X for 17 minutes. I'm doing this one for future me. Alarm clock goes off and bed is too comfy? fuck you present self, this one's for my best friend, the future me. I'm up and going for a 5 km run (or 25 meter run, it's gotta be non zero). MAKE SURE YOU THANK YOUR OLD SELF for rocking out at the end of every.single.thing. that makes your life better. The cycle of doing something for someone else (future you) and thanking someone for the good in your life (past you) is key to building gratitude and productivity. Do not doubt me. Over time you should spread the gratitude to others who help you on your path.

Rule number 3- don't worry i'm gonna too long didnt' read this bad boy at the bottom (get a pencil and piece of paper to write it down. seriously. you physically need to scratch marks on paper) FORGIVE YOURSELF. I mean it. Maybe you got all the know-how, money, ability, strength and talent to do whatever is you wanna do. But lets say you still didn't do it. Now you're giving yourself shit for not doing what you need to, to be who you want to. Heads up champion, being dissapointed in yourself causes you to be less productive. Tried your best to have a nonzero day yesterday and it failed? so what. I forgive you previous self. I forgive you. But today? Today is a nonzero masterpiece to the best of my ability for future self. This one's for you future homes. Forgiveness man, use it. I forgive you. Say it out loud.

Last rule. Rule number 4, is the easiest and its three words. exercise and books. that's it. Pretty standard advice but when you exercise daily you actually get smarter. when you exercise you get high from endorphins (thanks body). when you exercise you clear your mind. when you exercise you are doing your future self a huge favour. Exercise is a leg on a three legged stool. Feel me? As for books, almost every fucking thing we've all ever thought of, or felt, or gone through, or wanted, or wanted to know how to do, or whatever, has been figured out by someone else. Get some books max. Post to reddit about not caring about yourself? Good first step! (nonzero day, thanks younger me for typing it out) You know what else you could do? Read 7 habits of highly successful people. Read "emotional intelligence". Read "From good to great". Read “thinking fast and slow”. Read books that will help you understand. Read the bodyweight fitness reddit and incorporate it into your workouts. (how's them pullups coming?) Reading is the fucking warp whistle from Super Mario 3. It gets you to the next level that much faster.

That’s about it man. There’s so much more when it comes to how to turn nonzero days into hugely nonzero days, but that’s not your mission right now. Your mission is nonzero and forgiveness and favours. You got 36 essays due in 24 minutes and its impossible to pull off? Your past self let you down big time, but hey… I forgive you. Do as much as you can in those 24 minutes and then move on.

I hope I helped a little bit max. I could write about this forever, but I promised myself I would go do a 15 minute run while listening to A. Skillz Beats Working Vol. 3. Gotta jet. One last piece of advice though. Regardless of whether or not reading this for the first time helps make your day better, if you wake up tomorrow, and you can’t remember the 4 rules I just laid out, please, please. Read this again.

Have an awesome fucking day ☺

tldr; 1. Nonzero days as much as you can. 2. The three you’s, gratitude and favours. 3. Forgiveness 4. Exercise and books (which is a sneaky way of saying self improvement, both physical, emotional and mental)

Edit: Wow reddit gold? Thanks! No idea what to do with it or whats the deal but many thanks!

Edit2: Someone asked what I meant by "much more when it comes to how to turn nonzero days into hugely nonzero days". The long and short of it is a simple truth, but it's tough to TOTALLY UNDERSTAND AND PRACTICE. It's this: you become what you think. This doesnt mean if I think of a tree, I'll be oakin' it by august. It means that the WAY you think, the THINGS you think of, and the IDEAS YOU HOLD IN YOUR MIND defines the sum total that is you. You procrastinate all the time and got fear and worry goin on for something? You are becoming a procrastinator. You keep thinking about how much you want to run that 5 k race in the spring and finish a champion? Are ya keeping it in mind all the time? Is it something that is defining your ACTIONS and influencing you DECISIONS? If it is, then you're becoming the champion you're dreaming about. Dreaming about it makes it. Think and it shall be. But do not forget that action is thought's son. Thoughts without actions are nothing. Have faith in whatever it is you've steeled your mind to. Have faith and follow through with action.

Ok, Ryan that's a bunch of nice words n shit, but how does that help me turn slightly nonzero days into hugely nonzero days. Do you believe all these words you just read? Does it makes sense to you that you BECOME WHAT YOU THINK OF? Ask yourself: What do I think of? When you get home and walk in the door. (how quickly did you turn that laptop on? Did turning it on make you closer to your dreams? What would?) At the bus stop. Lunch break. What direction are you focusing your intentions on? If you're like I was a few years ago, the answer was either No direction, or whatever caught my eye at the moment. But no stress, forgive yourself. You know the truth now. And knowing the truth means you can watch your habits, read books on how you think and act, and finally start changing your behaviour. Heres an example: Feeling like bunk cause you had zero days or barely nonzero days? THINK ABOUT WHAT YOURE DOING. and change just a little bit more. in whatever positive direction you are choosing to go.

Edit3: WHOA! This blew up! Major appreciation to Modified_Duck for making this cool ass image: http://i.imgur.com/7xsp7hJ.png

Edit4: Another AMAZING DESKTOP BACKGROUND! http://www.reddit.com/r/GetMotivated/comments/1rowpb/i_made_a_wallpaper_from_uryans01s_amazing_quote/

[tsaritsa]

tagged by the beautiful and sexy and successful @fullmetalscullyy + @megthemighty. ty babes ur both fergalicious mwah how many works do you have on ao3? 40

what’s your total ao3 word count?  275,381 words

what are your top five fics by kudos?

may i feel, said he

for the serpent has died and i’m leaning by your side

enthrallment

against the run of play

a strange fate with wandering limbs

i’m really proud of each of these pieces for different reasons. mifsh is a love letter to mar and to the fandom generally; ftshdailbys (what a fucking acronym lmao) was one of the first pieces i did with the intention of hitting a specific word count; enthrallment is a reminder to myself that pain does eventually pass (and that riza/bradley is sexy af); atrop definitely helped develop my love for multimedia fics and playing around with how we show information to the reader; and asfwwl was as much a study of riza as the people around her

do you reply to comments, why or why not? absolutely — although i tend to wait for updates to reply to the previous chapters if it’s an ongoing piece. i’m always stunned by the comments i get and i treasure each and every one of them. ty for giving me a little joy in my daily life

what’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? i guess it depends on ur perspective. a strange fate is essentially dead dove on arrival — and bellyache deals with some unsavoury themes as well

what’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending? prolly that v saccharine valentines day fic. personally it makes me cringe a little now, but if that’s what floats ur boat, then go for it

do you write crossovers? if so, what’s the craziest one you’ve ever written? specific aus are as close as i’ve gotten - the crown!au would be the best fit. the concept of doing a marvel-esque endgame showdown has never really vibed with me; especially for the fma universe, which is incredibly niche and unique in a variety of ways

have you ever received hate on a fic? hahahahahah remember the time when ppl were bitching about mifsh on here bc it was ‘everywhere’ and we were ‘no better than rcyeddies’ with the power imbalance and it was a ‘glorified self-insert fic’ and we were deviants for sharing it and had made the royai fandom ‘cheap’ and ‘an awful place to be’ bc they were so much more than fucking?

yeah me neither lol. i’d also like to state that i’m not bitter about this anymore — but it really did feel awful to read those things, and for ppl to judge us and the substance of the story without ever bothering to talk to us before doing so. i’d like to think the fandom is a kinder space now, where we can just. move on if we don’t enjoy something, instead of sniping about it publicly and deliberately trying to make ppl feel bad

and if u were one of those ppl who were mean: either die mad and jealous lmao OR write something better and more engaging if u want ppl to shut up about may i feel. that’s literally all u have to do 🤷

do you write smut? if so, what kind? i write sexy smut. sometimes it’s an au where they’re in a ballet company. sometimes they’re at university. sometimes i forget to finish them in a timely fashion

have you ever had a fic stolen? not lifted verbatim. but there have been a few times where — and it’s not just my gut feeling, others have brought it to my attention — ideas and phrases align a little too neatly for me to brush it off as mere coincidence. at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter

have you ever had a fic translated? i’ve been very lucky to have a few translated: a few in spanish, russian, and mandarin as well, if memory serves me right

have you ever co-written a fic before? y’all know i have. may i feel and starstruck are the published ones, but maybe more will surface. we’ll see

what’s your all-time favourite ship? royai for sure. they just tickle a very specific part of my brain

what’s a wip that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? won’t say i can’t finish any of them bc there’s always the chance i will — just a matter of sitting down and figuring out what needs to happen

what are your writing strengths? this made me pause for a bit bc in truth i’m not terribly sure. i’d like to think my dialogue is strong — not only in terms of characterisation, but in the ability to move the plot forward without having to simply tell the reader what is going on. y’all know i love making things sound pretty as well — assonance my beloved

what are your writing weaknesses? it’s a double-edged sword. as much as i love writing to a particular aesthetic, that definitely hinders me too when i get too involved with the details rather than examining my writing from a birds-eye perspective. i also know i struggle with keeping things simple — from explaining something as just. as it is as well as bigger issues like “let me just tell y’all about the history of the economy of resembool from the years 1872-1911 even though this was meant to be a throwaway sentence″

what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? i think it can add a ton of depth to a scene — it’s more a case of ensuring that the context around the dialogue can help the reader infer meanings without feeling so unsure they want to go search the translation. for the most part in may i feel, i think readers have been able to understand without too much hassle when a character uses spanish (but also we all know enough rudimentary spanish that it’s not utterly foreign). using a non-latin written language like mandarin or thai would definitely take me out of the fic more — but again, it’s all in how u apply it 

what was the first fandom you wrote for? fruits basket! i never published it tho

what’s your favourite fic you’ve written? currently it’s my piece that will be published for this years fma big bang. i’m really excited to share more about it next month (and publish it on october 3rd!!)

tagging @firewoodfigs, @royai, and @bringingglory if y’all haven’t already gotten around to it

[yegarts]

“I Am YEG Arts” Series: Kristi Hansen

Photo credit: Ryan Parker Photography

Kristi Hansen. If the name sounds familiar, it’s for good reason. She’s an actor, creator, and advocate for inclusivity who’s disrupting traditional leadership models to create opportunities for equity-seeking communities. Impressed? So was the Edmonton Artists’ Trust Fund committee, who recently recognized her as one of their 2020 award recipients. But that’s not the only place you might know her from. If you’re lucky, you saw her in The Silver Arrow or Woody—her one-woman show that compares and contrasts her life as an amputee to other amputees (real and imagined) around the world. But as impressive as what she does may be, her greatest accolade is who she is. A person unafraid to look deeper, feel deeper, question deeper, and present truths that aren’t always put forward.

Actor, teacher, co-conspirator, and self-proclaimed brat in the making—this week’s “I Am YEG Arts” story belongs to Kristi Hansen.

Of all the titles used to describe you and what you do, which do you use to describe yourself? Is there one you hope to add?

I have started to refer to myself as a “co-conspirator” when entering an art practice. I am always hungry for a collective process and am constantly looking for how each artistic process can create an ensemble of co-conspirators who develop a language and community agreement for how we want to work. I am drawn to other co-conspirators who are “brats” (artists who are constantly finding ways to gently subvert and find new pathways in the process). It is my greatest aspiration to be a brat. ; )

What was it about the arts that made you feel it could be your community?

I had a sneaky feeling when venturing into my life as an artist that as someone who never really had a community growing up, the arts could be my place where people weren’t afraid to look deeper, feel deeper, question deeper, and present the truths that weren’t always being put forward.

What keeps you choosing Edmonton as your place to live and work?

I came to Edmonton in 1999 to study at the Grant MacEwan Theatre Arts program without any real sense of how special a place Edmonton is. I didn’t imagine myself still being here 22 years later, and yet the more places I work outside of Edmonton, the more I can’t imagine myself calling anywhere else home. After Grant MacEwan, I went to the University of Alberta’s BFA Acting program and continued to meet folks within the Edmonton theatre and arts community who inspired me with their DIY punk attitudes. I’ve always been attracted to folks who make their own paths, and Edmonton artists seemed ripe with that resilience and subversion. I always felt like transformation, curiosity, and FUN were at the center of so much of the work in YEG. I got hitched to a really cool Edmonton artist (Sheldon Elter), I bought a very affordable house in the Alberta Avenue neighbourhood (which I love), I can bike downtown in seven  minutes, I have a great dog, and I get to work with so many different companies in so many different artistic mediums. I am truly #LivingTheDream.

Photo credit: Ryan Parker Photography

More people are wanting to build inclusive communities and spaces that don’t exist—like what you did with The Maggie Tree. Tell us about that experience and the first steps you took to make it happen.

Inspired by the Edmonton “If you are looking for an opportunity, create it yourself!” creation method I’d seen in so many other Edmonton artists and art companies, my friend Vanessa Sabourin and I saw a need for more women theatre artists to work and create together and to be IN CHARGE of their own productions and careers. We started an ad-hoc women’s theatre company, The Maggie Tree, in 2007. We had no money, but we had a community of supporters: Azimuth Theatre had a small space at the time that they rented to us for a cut of our box office. Vanessa’s dad built the set for us. Edmonton art superstars Amber Borotsik and Lori Gawryluik joined us in the process. Lori let us use the Artery (which she was running at the time) for a fundraiser. Then we did a run of a show. People came. And then we were a theatre company. It grew from there.

We learned how to write grants. We learned and continue to learn how feminism is intersectional and how to be inclusive and welcoming to gender diverse humans and other equity-seeking communities in our practice of what we want our inclusive, feminist theatre company to be. I often get to sit down with young artists who want to know “how to do it.” Honestly:

1. Find a thing you want to do.

2. Find a place where you can do it.

3. Commit to dates.

That’s the foundation. Once you have those three things, you’re off to the races. Not to simplify the other producing aspects of getting something together (all that grant writing, contract building, budgeting, policy creation, and marketing stuff is hard), but I honestly find once I have the three basics decided, I am flying.

Is there a particular piece of feedback you lean on when days are tough?

I’ve had the good fortune of working with many amazing artists who have given me GREAT advice/feedback over the years, but I want to offer a mantra that I came up with years ago (Ha! How hilariously self-congratulatory of me, but it’s honestly my go-to) that serves me well any time I enter a new artistic process: We are going to try some things: Some of them will work, some of them will not, and we are going to keep trying. This mantra keeps me going on the tough days, and keeps me brave when I want to retreat into the safety of what is already known and maybe not as interesting.

Tell us about the role funding and awards have played in your career. What doors do they open?

I first started writing grants for The Maggie Tree as an individual artist to fund our productions. I learned the art of grant writing from Vanessa Sabourin, Steve Pirot, Murray Utas, and Vern Thiessen: All brilliant artist and producers who know how to weave an undeniable narrative and craft a beautifully specific budget. The Maggie Tree started being successful in our asks for Edmonton Arts Council, Alberta Foundation for the Arts, and Canada Council for the Arts grants. This enabled us to engage more and more artists in our projects and to start moving into being able to offer equity contracts for artists and to create viable work opportunities for Edmonton artists. These grants allowed me to advance myself as an artist and producer and to be able to PAY myself for the art I was creating and/or producing. I’ve been lucky enough to receive a few awards in my career that have helped to launch my profile as an artist locally, provincially, and nationally, and I am grateful to now be known inside and outside of Edmonton artist circles.

Grants and awards offer artists the opportunity to create their own opportunities and to expand their profile so OTHER folks can offer them opportunities, as well. Before you know it there’s a career in the arts in front of you.

What excites you most about the YEG arts scene right now?

I am constantly inspired by the younger generations of YEG artists coming up. I am here for the push for a kinder, more inclusive, more transparent workplaces (cuz let’s face it: Art is WORK, and as much as we love our art, we are still workers). I am excited for new art spaces: CO*LAB, the new Roxy… I’m also pretty hyped for new performance technologies being created right here in YEG with Moment Discovery.

Photo credit: Ryan Parker Photography

Tell us about your workshops and commitment to being an educator/mentor. What do you hope people will take away?

I am pretty into the idea of educating/mentoring folks by being led by them and the artist they are. I’m not interested in people changing themselves into what they think is marketable or palatable for whoever their “audience” is. I want them to be the best and most authentic THEM they can be in their work. When I work with a group of humans, I am most interested in ensemble training and dismantling hierarchy in groups. I return to the idea of the co-conspirator and the brats: How can we work together? What agreements need to be made in order for us to do our best work together? What are the rules? And when do we know it’s time to break the rules (cue the brat)?

I had the good fortune of many wonderful mentors who taught me so many important lessons and also taught me things that no longer serve me. I hope that for any of the folks I have helped mentor that they take anything that I pass on that is useful and let go of anything that is not or that no longer serves them in their practice. We are all on our own artistic journeys, but it is as a community—or ensemble—that we grow and move forward. Ultimately, we need each other.

You’ve talked about the importance of artists generating opportunities for other artists. Can you speak to that a little more?

I truly believe this is the way it works. When you care for your community, the community cares for you and those you keep bringing into the circle. I also think it’s important to nudge people when you see opportunities that could be good for them. Let them know you’re thinking of them. They may not have the confidence to apply on their own, but that little push can go a long way. There is nothing more encouraging as an artist than to know that someone else believes in you and your work.

Who’s someone inspiring you right now?

I’m pretty inspired by Carly Neis, Cynthia Jimenez-Hicks, and Cameron Kneteman (along with producer Mac Brock) as they continue to workshop and produce their new TYA play focusing on disability, Tune to A. They are being giant brats and being kind all over the place on this one, and I couldn’t be more proud of the accessible practice model they are building in their process.

Describe your perfect day in Edmonton. How do you spend it?

Breakfast on my patio in Alberta Avenue, putzing in my garden, taking the dog on a bike ride through Dawson Park, a piece of cheesecake from Otto, seeing a show (art show, theatre show, music show), then finishing the night off with a beer and burger from the Next Act. I’m a simple creature, really. ; )

Want more YEG Arts Stories? We’ll be sharing them here all year and on social media using the hashtag #IamYegArts. Follow along!

Click here to learn more about Kristi Hansen, her workshops, and upcoming projects.

About Kristi Hansen

Kristi Hansen is a disabled theatre artist who has called Edmonton home for the past 22 years. Kristi trained as an actor at Grant MacEwan’s Theatre Arts Program from 1999-2001, and then at the University of Alberta’s Bachelor of Fine Arts Acting Program from 2001-2004.  Kristi is the co-founder and co-Artistic Director of The Maggie Tree and the former co-Artistic Producer of Azimuth Theatre in Edmonton, AB.

Acting credits include Candide (Edmonton Opera); The Silver Arrow, A Christmas Carol, and Alice Through the Looking Glass (Citadel Theatre); The Invisible: Agents of Ungentlemanly Warfare (Catalyst Theatre); Mr. Burns: a post-electric Play (You are Here Theatre/Blarney Productions); The Bad Seed, The Jazz Mother, Pith!, The Scent of Compulsion, and The Ambassador’s Wives (Teatro la Quindicina); The Hollow (Vertigo Theatre); Small Mouth Sounds, 10 out of 12, and Passion Play (Wild Side Productions); Irma Voth (Theatre Network); Christina/Philippe (Northern Light Theatre); The Sound of Music (National Arts Centre); Comedy of Errors, Hamlet, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, King Lear, Romeo and Juliet and Love’s Labour’s Lost (Freewill Players); The Snow Queen and Apocalypse Prairie (Azimuth Theatre); The Supine Cobbler, Monstrosities, Age of Arousal, Hroses: An Affront to Reason, Folie à Deux, and Hunger Striking (The Maggie Tree). Her one-woman show, Woody, explores the themes of privilege and disability in a reflection of her life as a disabled human living in North America in contrast with other amputees (real and imagined) around the world.

[cellard0ors]

I have been INCREDIBLY vocal about my love for changing seasons. One of the reasons I love it so much is that I just relate to Link so much (which I know is odd since he's a 60 something year old grandfather in your story). I identify so much with accepting everyone around you but not yourself. I have so many lgbt people in my life and I, personally, a bi women in my late twenties am out to almost no one. I have yet to have a really successful relationship in my adult life bc I keep holding so much of myself back from my partner. I grew up really religious, I still practice and have been really vocal about how my faith doesn't change how I accept and support the lgbt community yet I know in my heart I can't really love myself fully because there is this conditioning to feel like I was made wrongly. Sorry this is rambling, but your story has helped me put into words a lot of my feelings about myself. The sympathy I feel for Link has helped me try to be kinder to myself. So much love for you and your stories.

OH MY LORD *clutches heart*

I am so happy to read this, anon!

Yeah, a lot of Link’s struggles are based on my own. Mainly because I view myself as ace, but it’s super hard for me to talk about. I’ve been in a long term relationship with an older man and we rarely (if ever) talk about it, but I know he knows and accepts it, because whenever I voice my concerns that I’m not giving him what I worry he needs physically he pretty much waves it off and says he loves me and not to worry.

Growing up the way I did and - hearing the things I heard and still hear - I often question him about his ‘need’ for sex, being a man, and he’s always like, ‘That’s a stupid thing men perpetuated to get laid - men don’t need sex to live, come on!’ And it always makes me feel better.

I also have concerns about my romantic inclinations, because I consider myself biromantic. I say this because I’ve been attracted to women before and legitimately wanted to kiss/make out with one (a friend of mine who has long since moved and gotten married and so on) So a biromantic ace? Am I crazy? According to this amazing novel, Let’s Talk About Love by Claire Kann, I’m not and I HIGHLY recommend this story to anyone - I’ve never identified with a character so hard omg.

As a sidebar, a lot of the Pride merch I see always sort of highlights the sexuality part of things and I really wish it gave some thought to the romantic part - because I don’t feel like I fit super well within one thing, hence the biromantic ace sort of moniker that I don’t feel gets a lot of play.

NOW AWAY FROM MY RAMBLES - my point overall is, I get how it can be hard to be accepting of yourself and I still struggle with it and I’m sorry you still struggle with it but you’re trying to be kinder to yourself motivates the same in me, so - love all around and thanks again for your super kind message!!!!

[jeannereames]

FUN Things about Getting Older

So sometimes being “old” is presented as a problem, especially for women, and sure, there’s nothing like sitting on the couch for an hour, answering email, then getting up only to go, “Ow, ow, ow.” Or not wearing heels because you’ve got Bunyons from Hell. Never mind the 10+ pounds for each decade.

BUT, there are some definite perks:

#1: NO MORE FUCKING PERIODS. Yeah, yeah, peri-menopause and menopause have their own issues (hot-flashes SUCK), but there are pretty effective over-the-counter drugs to minimize those. And NO MORE FUCKING PERIODS!  Can we get an “Amen”?

#1a: No more concerns about getting pregnant. Worry-free sex, y’all. At least if you’re in a relationship where that’s a concern.

#2 GRAY HAIR. Yeah, yeah, everybody whines about it and tries to dye it, and for a while, okay, sure. But silver hair is pretty awesome. It does make gold jewelry less flattering, but stop trying to keep your tresses dark after you’re 50, or even 45. It’s not a good look; it’s harsh on the face (the lighter the skin, the worse it looks). If you’re a blond or lighter brown, maybe you can go longer…but WHY? Let the silver come in. Stop playing the stupid game of clinging to youth when you can rock the silver. Do you have any idea how often I get compliments on my gray hair? A LOT. Okay, I have nice hair; it’s my vanity, but still. If I’d realized how many compliments I’d get, I’ve have let it go to natural sooner!

#3 While aging can make you less visible in some ways (nobody whistles at you on the street—not necessarily a BAD thing), it makes you more visible in others—especially if you rock that gray hair. “I want to speak to the manager right now,” carries more weight at 50 than 30. If I’m pissed off, people tend to listen more—even younger men. Older men can still be jackasses, but I find I have less patience as I age, too. It’s a different sort of visibility, but I’m okay with that.

#4 You have a better sense of perspective and proportion. Events happening in the present may correlate to memories of the past, which can make them scarier…or less scary. Either way, one becomes more adept at correctly analyzing the significance of events either personal or public. It’s called “long view.” (So, for instance, I watch the impeachment debates not just with a memory of Clinton’s, but a memory of Nixon’s. I was 10 years old; I sat there listening to his resignation speech as my father recorded it on an old-style tape-recorder, as it was so historic. We had no idea then what the future would hold for recording, but somewhere in my boxes, I still have my father’s tape-recording of that speech!)

#5 You know better what you want out of life. I’d say that’s the big thing. I was a weird kid in many ways. I had a “sense of destiny” young. Looking back at myself, I sort of laugh. But I knew I wanted to be a writer at 11. I knew I wanted to teach college at 18. And I went on to do both those things. MOST people aren’t like that, and it’s okay. Not everybody is a freaky intense ambitious nutjob of a teenager. LOL. Also, I did a lot of other jobs along the way. I’ve been an editor, I’ve done bereavement counseling, et al. So the road hasn’t necessarily been a straight one. And that’s GOOD. Life should throw everybody some curve balls, so we learn how to adapt.

#6 YOU’VE FAILED. By the time we reach 50, most of us have suffered at least one major failure: personal, career-wise, something—and often, more than one. That’s good.

Don’t laugh. It’s good. Failure is the fire that purifies. If you don’t fail—and seriously fail—you won’t ever truly succeed.

Failure makes us kinder, softer, more patient. When I was young, despite coming from a family on the Other Side of the Tracks, I had a lot of successes. I was meant to lift up my family; I had the brains. I was the first of my generation not just to go to college, but to grad school. So yeah, I’m a first-generation college student.

It made me an arrogant little shit.

I’ve been interested in Alexander the Great for a long time, since my early 20s, and one of my advisors during my counseling training told me, “You like Alexander because you think you are Alexander.” I wanted to argue with her, but looking back…yeah. She was right. He was young, brash, intelligent, gifted, and so was I. I could do no wrong. And for a while, most things went my way, because I was brash, intelligent, and gifted, but with a healthy dollop of due caution.

Yet I wasn’t always kind. I was (for the ‘90s) “woke,” but in the worst way. To be truly woke requires compassion even for one’s opponents. Instead, I judged those who I didn’t think were as “with it” as I was. I’d had painful things happen earlier. My mother had a heart attack when I was 17 and I was left to run the household, but my father protected me from the worst of it. I still went to college, then grad school. My mother died when I was 33, but again, I was insulated from much.

My late 30s/40s broke me. And that was a good thing. I dealt with a lot of personal failures and life struggles. I got divorced. My son was ADHD, and suffered depression plus other issues that we had to work through. (He’s fine now.) I had to help care for my aging father dealing with dementia until his death in 2017. These are real world issues that remind one of human frailty, and how little we really control. I came out kinder (I hope). More patient with my students. More aware of all the hooks of humanity that can drag down even those who badly want to succeed.

But that’s AGE. That’s failure. That’s suffering.

And I wish it on all of you. Not to be mean, but because it will make you better people. Some of you will have met these challenges much earlier. But by 50, most people will have faced at least one major failure. I hope you weren’t insulated from it. I hope you bore the brunt of it.

Because it will make you better. Kinder, more patient. That’s the true GRACE of age. Don’t fear it. Embrace it. This is the difference between wisdom and knowledge. I was lucky in my parents, and they, in turn, were mostly lucky in theirs My maternal grandfather had only an 8th grade education. But he was an Elder, the wisest man I’ve ever known. I hope that, someday, I’m as wise as he was.

Age is good. Look forward to it.

(share as you see fit.)

[letterboxd]

How I Letterboxd #2: Dave Chen

In our second of this series, we put Dave Chen in the Letterboxd spotlight. The podcaster, musician and filmmaker is most famous on Letterboxd for his weirdly specific lists. He tells us how he uses the platform, why every film that exists is miraculous, and why we shouldn’t sleep on Not Another Teen Movie.

Hi Dave! How long have you been on Letterboxd? About eight years. I believe I first signed up when it was in beta. I loved (and still love) the interface: how smooth the user flow is for logging/reviewing films, and how beautiful all that movie art looks as it’s organized on the site.

What do you mainly use Letterboxd for? I love reading the reviews on Letterboxd. On a film’s page, the site surfaces many of the most popular reviews and I find it’s a great way to find some quick, witty, and thoughtful comments on something I might be considering watching. But of course, I also love reading and making funny lists. Finally, I’ve heard Letterboxd is great for keeping track of films at a film festival but sadly I haven’t yet attended one since I started using it again.

Do you rate films? Would you consider yourself a generous or harsh rater? I rate films to remind myself how I felt about them at the time I watched. Of course, my opinions on movies change but it’s sometimes interesting to look back and think back to a time when, “Oh right, I did love that movie in the summer of 2019 when I was going through XYZ”. Our feelings about movies can often reflect what’s going on in our lives.

That said, over time, I’ve come to understand that films are miracles. I don’t think I’m the first person to come up with this observation but they are like miniature plays resulting from the collective work of hundreds or thousands of people that have been preserved for your amusement, and you can just play them on demand. Many of them cost only a few dollars. Some are free! Every film that exists is miraculous.

So, despite some of my harsh reviews, I do try to keep that perspective in mind.

You’ve been a member for a while but most of your reviews are recent. What brought you back? We note that you restarted with your third viewing of 1917! I am pretty active on Twitter and I started seeing a bunch of screen-capped reviews go viral there. But to be honest, much of social media can be exhausting to me these days. What I realized recently about Letterboxd was that much of it is free of the negativity. It’s just a bunch of folks who love movies sharing thoughts on those movies, but it also feels like a real community of people. There are filmmakers on there who share their thoughts on films and their favorites, and that’s of course endlessly fascinating (such as Sean Baker). Even the negative reviews can be fun to read. There’s a lot of pithiness and wit on the site, and its design really helps facilitate that.

Okay, take us way back, what was the film that got you hooked on cinema? My first cinematic true loves were the films of John Woo. I’d watched action movies before but I was introduced to John Woo ironically by a counselor at my church youth group! I became dazzled by movies like The Killer and Hard Boiled. It was then that I realized that things I had seen dozens of times (e.g., a shootout in a warehouse) could be elevated by sheer craftsmanship.

What keeps you from sharing your four favorites on your profile? A few reasons. For me personally, it takes months if not years for my thoughts on a film to really crystallize. My relationship with a movie doesn’t end when the credits roll—its ideas and themes and images are often clanging around in the back of my head for months if not years afterwards. As a result, my favorite films of all time change pretty frequently and I didn’t want to have to think about maintaining my four favorites over time.

Michael Caine in Alfonso Cuarón’s ‘Children of Men’ (2006).

Is there any film you could say is your all-time number one? If I had to name one though, it’d probably be Children of Men. It combines all my favorite things into one movie: science fiction, action, Michael Caine and a heartfelt message about how humanity has to be kinder to one another if we are to survive the challenging days ahead.

Your most popular lists are weirdly specific and fun (but true!). What are some other weirdly specific lists on Letterboxd that spoke to you? All the lists I like fall into that category. I love it when people make connections that I never otherwise would’ve thought of. To make a funny list, I think you need to be able to juggle extremely specific pattern recognition with a description that makes people feel like they are learning something about the films or their subjects. While the vast majority of the time these are just for fun, sometimes they actually can lead to insights about filmmakers, actors and the specific themes they try to bring to life in their work.

Also, shout out to Thijs Meuwese, who is leading the way on creative lists.

What is your favorite or most useful feature on Letterboxd? The Stats page [generated for all Pro and Patron members] is a beautiful visualization of the history of my film watching. As I continue to build out my watch history, I’m curious to see the trends that will arise.

What’s a movie where you don’t understand why Letterboxd members love or hate it so much? To answer this question, I took a look at some “worst-rated films on Letterboxd” lists and here’s a totally random one for you: the teen romantic comedy parody Not Another Teen Movie. It’s rated a 2.6 and a lot of the humor of this film has aged poorly but there are some amazing gags in here and it features Chris Evans in a performance that will likely be the apex of the comedic phase of his career. My brother and I still quote this movie to each other. Don’t sleep on it.

Chyler Leigh and Chris Evans in ‘Not Another Teen Movie’ (2001).

Your feature film, Stephen Tobolowsky’s one-man show The Primary Instinct, has a Letterboxd page and a pretty solid rating, congrats! How do you feel having that livestream of instant reactions to it? I’m glad that the ratings are decent, but to be honest, I can’t bring myself to look at them! As part of the filmmaking process, I’m totally open to constructive feedback from people I know and trust, but I’m not sure I can handle the same from strangers. Nonetheless, I’m grateful some Letterboxd members have seen fit to watch the film and take the time to rate it! Perhaps if I make more films in the future, I’ll feel better about checking out the reviews for an individual one.

Among your other skills, you are a talented musician. Can you tell us about some of your favorite film scores? Any cello-heavy scores or composers you find particularly influential? While not really cello-specific, the music of Nicholas Britell makes amazing use of strings (see Moonlight and [TV series] Succession). His music is achingly beautiful and is often in rotation in my playlists.

More generally, Hans Zimmer and John Williams are both legends and I’ve always found their work to be very interesting. In recent days, I’ve been quite taken with the work of Daniel Pemberton, whose work on films like King Arthur and The Man from U.N.C.L.E. have a great populsive energy to them. Finally, when I’m into something more moody, atmospheric or modern, I appreciate the work of Cliff Martinez.

Are you self-isolating right now due to Covid-19? Discovered anything great and new to you to pass the time? We hope everything is alright otherwise! Yes, I'm quarantining due to a “stay safe and healthy” order in Washington State right now. Like many people staying at home, I’ve been watching a lot of TV, which includes things like Tiger King, Devs, Better Call Saul, and Dave (the show on Hulu). These are the things that give me comfort and distraction these days.

Jennifer Ehle in Steven Soderbergh’s ‘Contagion’ (2011).

What are your go-to comfort movies that you recommend to people at this strange and difficult time? This is a weird recommendation, but I’d say Steven Soderberg’s Contagion is a great choice. Contagion depicts a virus far more deadly than Covid-19, and how it eventually leads to the deterioration of the social order. But it’s also a deeply hopeful movie. You see governments come together to try to figure this thing out. You see the people on the front lines risking their lives to fight the fictional virus and I think it’s a great way to help people understand how courageous and valuable all our medical workers are in times like these. It’s “competence porn” in an era where I think we need to be reminded of what competence looks like.

[Editor’s note: Dave isn’t alone, Contagion has consistently been in our 20 most popular films for the past month.]

When the universe is allowed to go back to the cinema, where do you prefer to sit? As close to the center of the theater as possible, with my eyeline at about halfway up the screen.

What’s in your ‘hall of shame’—the movies you haven’t seen and know Letterboxd will boo at you for missing? Don’t worry, we’ll protect you. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari and Say Anything. Also Firefly, the Joss Whedon show which I don’t think is on your website anywhere. Many people have been complaining to me about this oversight in my viewership for years so I think it’ll do well if we can list it here.

Which film from the past ten years that went by fairly unloved do you think will be a future classic and you’ll fight to the death for loving? I’m going to cheat a little and list a movie that’s eleven years old: Tony Gilroy’s Duplicity. This movie didn’t do super well at the box office when it was first released and currently has a 2.8 on Letterboxd. But it was one of my top ten films that year. I think Clive Owen and Julia Roberts have great chemistry, but I think the film’s depiction of corporate espionage is outlandish, fun and irresistible. These characters are playing a "triple game" and it’s so much fun to see the layers upon layers of deception that they’re creating, and the cascading impacts they have on their relationship. Also, how can you say no to a movie that has Paul Giamatti and Tom Wilkinson as competing CEOs literally going at each other?

And finally, please name three other Letterboxd members you recommend we follow. I collaborate with Melissa on YouTube/podcast reviews and she is incredibly thoughtful and articulate. I always appreciate Khoi’s thoughtfulness. And Mike Ginn—this guy is hilarious.

You can enjoy more Dave on his website; his YouTube channel; and his podcasts The Slashfilmcast and Culturally Relevant. Dave was photographed by Brandon Hill.

[rllygay]

Dear future lover,

Haha, okay. I’ve been meaning to write this for a while but I’m just now getting around to it because for once, I’m not busy.

We are going to have this talk eventually so it might as well be now.

Let’s talk about chronic illness.

The invisible kind that people don’t believe when you tell them because “you don’t look sick,” or, “you’re too young to have that problem,” or “but you seem fine to me.”

I’m not fine and I never will be. It’s a hard pill for people to swallow when they realize that I am not getting better, that I will never get better. I will have good days and bad days but I will never be 100% and that is something I’m going to tell you right away. It’s something I will be open and honest about in all potential or future relationships because I do not want there to be any surprises, and I want to give somebody a way out before they’re trapped. I think, had I developed illness BEFORE my ex husband committed, he probably would have left first thing and we could have avoided a giant mess.

This is the one thing that I am afraid will make everyone leave because it HAS. Chronic illness has not only taken parts of my life away from me, but it has taken people away from me. And I am not about to lose you, so I’m going to be super straightforward from the minute we start talking, from the minute I realize that we are something. I know that you’ll accept this one really hard thing about me if we are “meant to be,” or whatever. 

The first thing I want to say is I am not faking. If I wanted to fake something, I probably would have picked something that people would believe. But when I talk about my illness, people kind of look at me like I have twelve heads. They don’t believe what I’m saying. I have an illness that most people have never heard of, that some doctors still fight me on.

The next thing I want to say is I am not being dramatic or over-reacting. If I’m complaining, it’s because it has gotten to a really bad point because I do not complain about it unless it’s really bad, considering I am experiencing symptoms pretty much all the time. 24 hours 7 days per week. If I’m complaining, things are worse than normal. 

Random shit happens to me for no reason. I was sick in the toilet every hour for a month straight (about three years ago) for no known reason, and then it just stopped one day and hasn’t happened since. I could not leave my house. I went to work, was sick all day at work, and then I came home and that was my life and I thought it was never going to end and that it would be how things were from then on. Symptoms pop up, stay a while, and then they go but sometimes they stay forever. So this is just a warning that one day I can be totally fine and then the next day I’m on death’s door for a few weeks. One day I might be able to complete a task but the next day it’s possible that I won’t be able to complete the same task. And I sincerely hope that you will understand it when those days come. 

I probably shouldn’t drive, I get lightheaded and sleepy (like literally falling asleep) when I’m in the car and I don’t know what causes it and I hope one day that changes because I really want to drive. It’s not that I can’t do it, I’m just afraid to do it because I don’t want anyone to get hurt and I am so sorry for this. I’m praying for someday.

I’m at the doctors a lot. I’m improving (and by that I mean I’m not getting worse lol) so I don’t have to go back again for a few months but I’m still there way more than I want to be, I feel like for a long time I was there once a week trying to figure out what was going on. I had increased pancreatic enzymes in December for absolutely no reason, they couldn’t figure it out. So most of my doctors appointments are them finding something weird but not being able to figure out why. I’d very much like your company while they poke me.

So, with that, here’s what’s going on in my body to the best of my knowledge (but please remember that I myself am still learning about my illnesses):

The autonomic nervous system controls basically everything in your body that is involuntary. Anything that you can’t control is what your autonomic nervous system is controlling. Mine doesn’t work properly. Internal organs, blood vessels, stomach, intestines, liver, kidneys, bladder, lungs, pupils, heart, sweat, salivary glands, digestive glands. For me, they’re all dysfunctional. At one point I had a total of five different specialists, and now I only see three. Cardiologist who diagnosed me and is treating me, gastroenterologist who attempted to treat me but hasn’t been successful and I see no point in going anymore, and I see a rheumatologist for the second time in early August and they will hopefully be able to figure out why all of this is happening, if there is a cause (EDS, MCAS, etc.) or if it’s just something on it’s own.  

As you probably gathered, I experience a lot of weird symptoms that seriously impact my everyday life but I’ve been able to really take control and minimize them as much as I possibly can. Sometimes though I have flare ups and I can’t do shit. So I’m sorry about that, too. BUT if you ever need pain medication or a salty snack, I’m your girl. I’m always prepared and I always have everything anyone could possibly need on my person at all times. I feel like I’m 87 years old, but that’s okay. 

Chronic illness is something that I would not change about myself if I could. And I know you’re probably thinking “why on earth wouldn’t you want to change that?” and my answer is that it’s made me into who I am right now. My body might be broken but it’s made me a better person. It’s made me more aware of invisible illness and it has made me more aware of disability and I personally think that’s really important and something that I probably would not have been aware of if I hadn’t had to deal with it, and now I am able to make other people more aware of it, too. It’s also made me more aware of my own body and how to take care of it, and to take the time to rest when I need to. I also think that it’s made me a kinder person because you never really know what somebody is going through unless they tell you.

I mean sure, my phone background might be a screenshot of my emergency contact information, and I might have a stash of medical supplies under my nightstand, and I might really struggle with walking up stairs, but those things don’t take away from who I am.

So I hope you’ll love me anyway. 

[spiiderfics]

P.I Peter {SV! Spider-Man Noir x reader} Requested

A/N: This is pretty long. Hope you like it!

Word count: 1,815

Warnings: None.

********

You were Y/N L/N, descendant of the most successful family in New York and heir to the multiple companies your family owned.

It wasn’t too much hard work but you’d rather do something else with your time.

You were in your office when your assistant walks in.

You already knew what they were gonna say, “Please tell me it’s something good or I’m going to lose my mind.” You pleaded.

Your assistant sighs, “Sorry, no good news. Another amount mysteriously gone.”

You buried your face in your hands, groaning.

“What is going on?” You asked yourself.

“Maybe we can take this to the police, they can help.” Your assistant suggests.

“Don’t you think I tried that already? I get told every time that I’m rich enough to figure it out myself.” You vented.

You spoke,“With what’s going on at home and here, I don’t know if I can take it. We might have to call it quits.”

It was true, you had too much on your plate, at home your boyfriend, James had been leaving home early and coming home late at night for the past three months.

Whenever you tried to question it, he would shut it down or tell you it was to help with finances.

You couldn’t worry too much about it since your company has been struggling financially and this was the only way your were able to afford anything.

The company was supposed to be passed down to your other sibling but your parents seemed to think you wanted it more.

You didn’t.

You wanted adventure and surprises. Not paperwork and stress.

“I’m going on a break.” You said standing up and picking up your coat from behind your chair.

Your assistant didn’t say anything, they just let you leave.

*****

You walked past the window of the familiar diner that you loved as a child and didn’t hesitate to go inside.

The bell ringing once you opened the door put a smile on your face.

You saw the tables and booths were full so you decided to take a a bar seat.

Once seated at the bar you ordered your favorite food and sipped on your favorite drink.

A few minutes later a man sits next to you, and gets the attention of the waitress standing not too far from him,“ Egg crème. You know how I like it.” He says.

You can see him in the corner of your eye he’s hunched over and his head is low.

You turn to him and immediately you’re awestruck.

It was Spider-Man, but you knew him as Peter Parker, a very well known private eye here in New York. Only works for the wealthiest people. But that’s all you knew about him.

“Maybe he could help me.” You thought to yourself.

You tapped his shoulder and he turned to you after a few seconds.

Neither of you knew why but when your eyes locked on each other you both got lost in each other’s eyes.

“Yes?” He asks.

You took a deep breath, “I-I am Y/N L/N, I run my family business, L/N’s Law Firm. I need your help, in recent times the business has had some issues financially and it’s not my fault. I think someone is stealing our money and it’s affecting us. I don’t know what else to do, the police won’t help and there will be hundreds of people without jobs. Can you please help me?”

He didn’t say anything he just stayed silent. It made you nervous.

“Please say something.”

“I don’t do work for companies. I’m sorry.” He turned back around.

Your plate of food arrived and you stared at it, not having a appetite anymore.

You looked around and saw a couple of seats down a man who was slowly counting coins with a waitress that was getting impatient.

You looked at the man and he didn’t look very healthy, you slid your plate down toward him and the waitress and the man looked at you in confusion.

“I thought I was hungry.” You shrugged.

A smile on the mans face appeared and the waitress shrugs her shoulders, “Okay ma’am.” She walks away.

The man happily starts eating the food, “Thank you, miss!”

“You’re welcome, have a nice day sir.” You smiled softly to him and turned back to face the bar.

You enjoyed giving to people, sure it had its cons but when someone really appreciated your kindness, it didn’t really matter. As long as you made someone happy.

“I’ll do it.” Peter said as he watched the entire encounter go down.

“Seriously?” You asked getting up.

“Can you start right now?” You asked.

“If that’s what you’d like-“ You cut him short.

“Yes. Let’s go.”

********

You and Peter could have called this Case a bonding experience for the both of you.

With the month you two have been trying to solve this case, he’s become more protective of you and has a kinder side to him.

“We’re so close to figuring this out, I can feel it.” You said setting down a plate of cookies on the coffee table in front of you and Peter.

You stepped over the piles of papers and sat next to him on the couch.

“It just doesn’t make sense, how can thousands almost millions of dollars just go missing from your accounts?” Peter asks flipping over papers.

“It’s like a dead end on every paper.” He flops the paper in his lap and falls back onto the couch.

You turn to him leaning on one arm supporting your head.

“I don’t want this to stress you out.” You told him tenderly.

“I can’t help it, you don’t deserve this...It’s your hard earned money and someone just takes it away without warning or reason.” Peter was just as frustrated as you.

You sat up and grabbed a cookie from the plate.

“Here,” You handed it to him.

“These always make me feel better.”

Peter looked at you not sure what to do, but grabbed the cookie and examined it.

“I’m not going to poison you.” You giggled at his reaction.

He shrugs then bites the cookie and instantly melts back onto the couch.

“Wow. That’s good.” He mumbles.

“Thank you.” Your cheeks got hot.

He finished the cookie in three bites and it put a smile on your face.

“Can I be honest with you?” He asked.

“Yeah, Of course you can.”

“When I first took this case, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, but I’m glad I did. In this past month I’ve had the privilege to work with the most genuine, kindest, most beautiful woman ever...and I’ve grown quite an attraction to you.” Peter puts his hand on yours.

You were shocked, and you didn’t know what to say.

But you felt the same? Maybe. You weren’t sure.

You leaned in and he did the same.

Both of your lips connected, it was as if fireworks went off around you.

You did feel the same. It was a sensual but sweet kiss all together.

You pulled apart at the sound of a door opening.

It was James. Your boyfriend.

“Shit.” You muttered. “James,” You started, he hated those pet names, he just wanted you to call him by his name and his name only.

“You’re home early.” You stood up.

You went to peck his cheek but he leaned back, not wanting your kiss.

“Yeah, I do live here.” He said shaking off his coat.

He turned to the couch where Peter was sitting surrounded by paperwork.

“Who’s that?” James asks with a disgusted tone.

“He’s a detective, well he’s a private eye,I hired him to help me figure out where the money from the company is going. Wanna help?” You asked.

James shoulders tensed up, “I told you I had it under control. Why did you bring him here?” James grabbed your arm a little too tight for your liking.

“You weren’t helping enough...more money went missing!” You winced.

Then it clicked, You and Peter exchanged looks and it looked like he knew too.

“James. Did you take money from my company?” You asked calmly.

“No. I did not.” He let go of your arm and started to walk away.

Peter stood up and stood in front of James, “Can we just ask you a few questions about what you tried to do?”

“Get out of my house. You’re fired.” James tried to get around Peter but it wasn’t working.

“What are you hiding?” Peter asked James.

Then out of nowhere James punches Peter in the gut and makes a run for it upstairs.

You stand next to him, “Are you alright?” You put your hand on his shoulder.

“I’m fine. I think he’s the suspect.” Peter stood up straight. Peter, also being Spider-Man was able to catch James with the web.

Once James was all webbed up, you got the paperwork from his briefcase and saw that James was the one taking money from your company with the help of your assistant.

It hurt to see the people you trusted most take from you but it was a lesson learnt.

** Another month later**

You were at the train station, you were leaving New York to go travel somewhere new. You signed the company over to your sibling and so they could do a better job than you can.

You didn’t say goodbye to Peter, and you haven’t seen him since the case closed, you missed him and it broke your heart that he couldn’t come with you but he was just a hero. He had bigger things to do.

You started to board the train, putting your bag in the storage overhead, then someone tapped your shoulder.

You turned around to see the face of the man you’ve come to like a lot.

“Peter!” You threw your arms around his neck hugging him as tightly as you could.

“You’re leaving, without saying goodbye?” He asked pulling away.

“Well I just thought-“ He cut you off.

“I’m joking.” His chuckle made your heart flutter.

“I’m sorry we didn’t keep in touch.” You got sad for a moment.

“Hey, it’s alright. We don’t have to, because I’m coming with you.” Peter said casually.

Your jaw could have dropped to the floor.

“Really?” Was all you could say.

Peter nodded and put his hands on your waist.

The train started to move and you both had smiles on your faces, “I love you.” Peter cups your face.

You grabbed the lapels of his jacket and pulled him close to you for a kiss of the century, you pulled away breathless, “I love you too.”

The passengers on the train applaud the scene and you both take a seat.

You put your head on his shoulder.

Ready for the adventure you’re going to have. Together.

[anoverflowingsea]

Dawn that rises before sun is darker than anything Don’t ever forget that stars you long for only shine in the dark. Let’s go...

[unapologeticallybella]

I Don’t Look Like J-Lo but Someone is Gonna Love Me Anyway

TW: Body Dysmorphia/ E.D   

   I’m going to go ahead and say, I am so happy I am not a notably attractive person. I’m not saying I’m ugly in the slightest but you know what I’m talking about. Those people where their attractiveness is one of their defining traits. Like you mention their name and almost always someone responds with, “Oh, the pretty one.” Yeah that’s not my story and that probably won’t ever be me. What I’ve noticed about those kinds of people is that almost always their personality suffers in some way shape or form. I’m not saying notably pretty people can’t have a good personality but basically yes, it’s rare. So when you don’t get to lean into your beauty, you tend to lean on other things like humor, kindness, intelligence; Oh, did I mention humor? One of my earliest memories is being around six years old, waking up in the middle of the night in a god damn panic. I ran to my mom hysterically crying. I said, “I don’t wanna be ugly.” I couldn’t really tell you what she said because I genuinely don’t remember. Obviously it didn’t make me feel better because here we are sixteen years later and I still wake up with that panic from time to time, only now I just don’t wake anyone up to hear me cry about it (that sounds a lot darker than I intended for it to.) Anyway, what I’m saying here is that I’ve always struggled with the way I look. 

   We all have that voice in our head that tells us we look like shit, that we shouldn’t post certain pictures, and that everyone else sees what we see; I swear sometimes I’d just rather stay home. I know everyone looks back at their old pictures and thinks “Wow, why was I so insecure, I looked fucking amazing.” It’s a pretty common thing, I know. For some of us that voice inside our head is a bit louder and a lot more persistent, mine was very cruel and eventually it just kind of took me over. I’ve never really talked about what I dealt with because I did it so privately; partly out of guilt because I knew I was harming myself and secondly because it was something for me to control and I didn’t want to lose that. I think I was eleven when someone else commented on my weight for the first time, I was 115 pounds. That’s when it started. I would go through these spells of not eating, restrictive diets, the obsessive calorie counting; no one noticed. This continued on and off for years, I love food so fucking much that it eventually turned into bingeing and then starving myself for the day, then bingeing again. Eventually I gained weight because my hunger would just build up, my cravings would just get stronger and I would lose every time; I’d binge. I would eat so fucking much. I could eat entire pizzas within 15 minutes, boxes of Oreos, bowls of cereal, tubs of ice cream, blocks of cheese; it’s absurd how fast I could eat it all. I was obsessed with diets, skinny detox teas, meal replacements were my favorite, and I loved watching my fitness pal tell me how much I could lose if I maintained the low calorie intake. My junior year, I tried making myself throw up for the first time. It was such an easy way to get rid of the guilt I felt for eating that much food, it helped me maintain the weight for a while. I really wasn’t under the impression that it was a problem because I wouldn’t do it often, only when I lost control and ate enough for me to feel fucking disgusting.

   You could say it might be emotional eating but what I’ve come to learn is that sadness absorbs my ability to feel hunger; it’s kinda great if you have a fucking problem like mine. My first breakup, I couldn’t eat solid foods for a few weeks; I genuinely only ate a cup of yogurt a day and Cheez-its when I felt like passing out. I lost weight immediately. It made me feel so powerful; I loved the feeling of hearing that I looked good. What’s crazy is that the power only lasts so long before that voice inside tells you still look like a troll. I look back at these pictures where I clearly look small and tiny but in that moment I promise you; I didn’t see that in the slightest, I couldn’t. My senior year, I got better for a while. I was the biggest I had ever been, and I felt like everyone could notice; I thought my curves looked weird and the way my body just held fat in the worst places made me want to die sometimes. I did crash diets on and off that year; I was extremely self conscious and hated the way I looked. I moved to New York, and I had started taking Ritalin (prescribed okay kids.)  Three weeks in, I forgot to eat for a little over two days. I genuinely did not feel hunger in my body. I was outside a hotel during fashion week, waiting for Kylie Jenner to show up when I had a full blown paranoid delusion. I called my mom thinking a bomb was going off. “Mom, I’m looking right at this cop and he looks fucking worried, Mom. Get me on a plane I need to come home right now. Something is happening, there are loud noises.” Then she tried to calm me down, she asked when the last time I ate was and when I tried to think back I was like, “Oh shit that bagel I had was literally two full days ago.” Yeah, so I stopped taking Ritalin, I think that would have been a dangerous combo for me.

   I struggle to call it an eating disorder because I never looked sick; it didn’t ruin my life; it didn’t hurt me (I don’t think) but I definitely wasn’t healthy. I think that was my turning point; I was tired of feeling weak all the time; I was tired of obsessing; I was so burnt out from all of it and I decided I wanted to stop it all completely. I eventually gained over sixty pounds over two years, it’s been a fucking nightmare let me tell you. Every day, I struggle with my body and what goes on inside my head. I tell myself awful things; I know that it’s not good, but it doesn’t really go away. I fight so hard to not fall down that path because I don’t want that for me; I don’t know how bad I could get and that scares me. I went out of my way for the past two years to prove to myself that I didn’t have a problem anymore by constantly treating myself with food. It’s like every time I ate a shit ton and I didn’t throw up was a success but then at the same time it wasn’t. Turns out that guilt manifests in different ways and it’ll find its way to you. I’ve gotten to the point where I know the weight gain is noticeable, I feel like people think the awful things I do; So I did the only thing I knew how, laugh it off. Humor baby! Self deprecation is my middle name, sweetie. 

   I know I joke a lot about the way I look and the weight I’ve gained, it’s all light-hearted, but it actually gets pretty dark in this neck of the woods. Body dysmorphia is a mean bitch; She didn’t even allow me to enjoy my skinny days, talk about a shitty time. I used to do this thing where I would wash my hands on the right side of the sink just to avoid being in front of a mirror; “I just don’t wanna ruin my day, ” I’d always say. Anyone who knows me knows I’ve always used the same 2 inch mirror when doing my makeup because “looking at my whole face all at once is overwhelming.” You did not want to be around me when I couldn’t find that mirror, now that was a full-blown panic attack. I’m trying to be kinder to myself, now that doesn’t mean I won’t still make self-deprecating jokes but I’m trying to unlearn that shit. I go through body positive phases where I force myself to look at myself and find things I like. I unfollow Instagram models sometimes but it doesn’t matter; pretty people are everywhere baby. Every day is a god damn battle with myself; I can look at in the mirror and say “Hey you look good today” out loud but that bitch inside my head is screaming “You look like Shrek dumbass.” Having a past where men weren’t all that nice to me; I have an inherent feeling that if I was prettier, a lot of the things that happened to me maybe wouldn’t have (Come to find out even the hottest people get cheated on too, sick world we live in.) You know I’ve spent so many years comparing myself to other women because of something some asshole did to make me feel insecure; I always fall short so I’m done doing that now. Sometimes I worry that even if I lose the weight or if I cosmetically change the things I don’t like, that voice still won’t go away. Then what? What if I’m never happy with myself regardless of the ways I can change my appearance, I mean there’s a pretty good chance that could happen. So I’ve decided that I need to find a way to fall in love with myself the way I am right now. 

   People always preach “love yourself” and all that shit, but it’s so hard when it’s just you alone with your thoughts. Feeling love for yourself is arguably one of the most difficult things you’ll ever learn to do, it takes a kind of strength I’m trying to find. I will say, I do think the way I feel about myself has projected itself onto my relationships and in-turn sabotaged them. I have always required a certain amount of reassurance and affection from my partners which I’m sure can be draining but I forgive myself for that now. I have so much love for others that it just pours out of me uncontrollably and somehow I can’t find a way to feel that love for myself; it’s quite the problem to hauve. I’m learning to protect myself from that voice inside of me; I avoid things that I know will trigger me and cause me to spiral. I’ve been trying to lose the weight I gained these past two years, but for the first time I’m addressing the inner work. I acknowledge my weaknesses, I know my vices, I know myself better than ever now and that makes all the difference. Last December I forced myself to pick a form of exercise and like it, so I picked cycling. The first time I took a class, I actually catapulted out of the bike. I felt like the biggest idiot, but I tricked myself into enjoying the class. I just told myself that I would feel like one of those people who thinks spin is equivalent to a morning cup of coffee and eventually that’s how I genuinely felt.  Now it’s been almost a year since I made that choice and I’m so happy I forced myself out of bed. After the breakup, my mom really wanted me to start yoga to “soothe my anxiety” and it did surprisingly. It’s amazing what you can do for your body by just taking time to just sit there in silence and think about nothing. Sometimes when it’s that quiet, feelings come up and before you know it you’re on the beach on a yoga mat crying in the arms of your yoga instructor. These past six months, I have healed things inside of myself that I genuinely didn’t know where there. It’s been a mixture of therapy, cycling, yoga, listening to my body, forgiving myself, forgiving others and learning to love the parts of me that I don’t (oh and just not eating Chick-fil-a so fucking much.) This picture is me in my favorite pair of jeans, I bought them almost exactly a year ago and when I bought them they were snug and now this is what I’m working with. Is it sad that my favorite pair of jeans don’t fit me anymore? Hell yeah but I can finally say I can feel and see a difference in my body now. 

   So no, I probably won’t ever look like J-Lo and that’s okay. I’m probably always going to struggle with these issues and I will probably have that voice inside of me forever. But someone is gonna look at me and feel so fucking lucky; and it won’t just be because of the way I look. It’s going to be because of the way I make them laugh and the way love just pours out of me uncontrollably. Most importantly, when that love pours, it will be for me too. 

[roidespd-blog]

Chapter Three : THE DESOLATION OF THE GRINDR USER

« Grindr is a sociopath nest », Anonymous 

Grindr was launched on March 25, 2009. About a month or so earlier, I lost my virginity to the sweetest guy you could imagine. I met him on what we could consider one of Grindr’s ancestors, Gaypax— I still have that account, out of nostalgia. The design is so ugly I wonder now how I did spend so much time on it (we weren’t picky back then…) So Grindr was born at the exact time my sexual and romantic life was unfolding. It means that, except for the few years I’ve spent frenetically masturbating to La Redoute’s underwear catalogues and downloading dirty pictures of Brad Pitt naked with a very slow wifi, I’ve always been accustomed to gay apps.

Recently, the new and improved french magazine Tétu published an article called « Faut-il brûler Grindr?». Though not as detailed as I was hoping it would be, it did not changed my general opinion about the dating app paradigm. 

FLASHBACK France, 1971. A young gay man living in a beautiful city called Paris. Mike Brant just released his first major hit, Rock’N’Roll is slowly dying and Les Bidasses en Folie is this year’s biggest success at the box office. Unfortunately for him, the Gay Rights Movement is just at its infancy, homosexuality is still considered a mental illness and sodomy is punishable by law. So he shut his mouth and do his dirty business privately. he spends time around Place de Clichy and finds very discreet bars that can welcome him without too much judgement. He takes long walks toward the Tuileries bushes and sucks a stranger’s dong without any verbal exchange. He ends up marrying that fine young Marie, daughter of a friend of his dad, makes a couple of kids and from time to time, goes back to those places, shameful of himself.

That was the life of a gay man in France. If he didn’t get killed along the way. CUT TO 2009. Grindr is the first official gay dating app launched around the world. In France, the ban on sodomy disappeared in 1981 and since 1992, you are no longer considered a crazy person for being attracted to a person of the same sex (well, not from an official medical point, anyway). The app came to fruition through a simple question asked by its creator, Joel Simkhai : « WHO ELSE IS GAY AROUND HERE? ».

By 2012, 4 million people were using the App. 27 million as of 2017. Tinder followed in 2012 — you are welcome, straight people. Then SCRUFF, GAYROMEO, HORNET, BLUED, … What is wrong, then ? You damn well know something is wrong.

SMARTPHONE, 21st CENTURY’S NEW BACKROOM

If you go to a bar, you have to talk to the bartender, exchange a least a fews words with strangers, even dance as your look around and are being seen by others in the flesh. If you go to a gaybar, the same thing happens. If you go to a gaybar then the gaybar’s backroomn, rules change.

As the dating apps was closing in on worldwide domination, it became clear that the natural human kindness and respect would ultimately have no effect on the way people would communicate with one another on Grindr. I’ve been working in a bookstore for the past four years, you see. I expect a “hello”, “goodbye” and a smile during any interactions with clients — from them and myself. So there’s nothing more annoying that someone coming up to you, barking what they want to and leaving without any civility whatsoever. The Grindr equivalent would be Step 1 : A DICK PICK (or ass pick. I once had a fisting commemorative photo sent to me) straight up. Step 2 : A terribly convenient “cc sava tu ch?” or a “cho?” Step 3A : If you are polite enough to answer something, a conclusive “tu reçoi” or “tu bouge” Step 3B : you did not answer a singe word and the guy either sends you a “????” or insults the shit out of you. I sometimes do not answer impolite clients at work. Guess what ? Bitches say hello if you stare down at them long enough. On the internet, never gonna happen.

I remember the first couple of times I went on Grindr. I tried to answer everyone, even a “no, thank you”. There was always some “Hello”s, “How are you?”s, a few “My name is”s. But as the years went by, gay men (as I mostly talk to gay or bisexual cis men on these apps, I can only give my opinion on that category of people) adopted a series of unofficial rules to talk to each other.

1. If we are on this app, we are ready to fuck. 2. We do not have time for small talk. 3. We do not need your name, but dick size and multiple nudes are welcome. A picture is worth a thousand blablablahs. 4. We need to be very precise about what we want, so as not to waste our precious time. 5. Seriously, give us a full diagnosis of your body shape through pics, boy. 6. Chems ? 9. There are no rule 7 & 8, because 6 & 9. Now, turn around.

There are also lots of personal rules users seem keen on sharing them publicly as to implement unofficial rule number 4.

NO FEMS, NO BLACKS, NO ASIANS

“Pretty chill guy here. Very open minded and friendly. I love men from different cultures. Just no Asians. Asians leave me alone. I’m not racist” “Don’t message me. I’ll message you :). No Blacks Asians or fems. Love it when fats call themselves masc. hahahaha.” “Tell me if top/btm. Don’t really believe in “vers”. […] Attracted to Latin & White (trying to sound PC)” “Chill masc sane… just described nobody on here… Over 35, Asian or fem = block.. haha” “99% of you are losers. I’m the top 1%. So prove yourself first” The last one was written by a white male, by the way. They all were.

In our modern society, we’re not fools enough to believe that racism disappeared and everyone is accepting of others. Just look at the whole series of events called “while Black” where white people called cops on black folks for getting out of their airbnbs, talking in a Starbucks without ordering or falling asleep in a communal room at college. Nevertheless, you don’t see parades of racists proudly marching with “NO BLACKS” signs on the streets — you see another type of marches, yes. Free speech and stuff, sure. So why has it become acceptable in people’s minds to shade light on their racism in their profiles, barely hiding behind the “sexual preference” bullshit excuse ?

In an article dated September 2018 called “Why is it OK for online dates to block whole ethnic groups?” (2), the Observer related the appalling anecdote of an elderly white man who responded to a Grindr user of asian descent : “Asian, ew gross”.

I myself was told that I was too fat, too small, too twinkish, then not enough of those, or too white (but so we’re clear : RESERVE RACISM IS NOT A THING. STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT A THING!).

Racism also works with the beliefs that if you look or act a certain way, you obviously are what someone’s fantasy is. You are a black man so I assume that my hole will expand by ten once you’re inside me. You a blond light weight with feminine traits. You’re a submissive bottom and a real whore.

The world works on assumptions (ex : the myth of the BIG BLACK DICK or the for-sure global instinct that Tom Hanks would never have to face any #MeToo accusations) and apps follow that same path but without any policing. The absence of ramifications from someone’s actions further implement a feeling of unapologetic mindfulness — the same way being in a dark backroom with strangers you can’t see does not seem to add any consequences to what you’ll do next.

Recently, Grindr tried to course correct its past errors by creating “Kindr” (3). Was it a new app that would prevent people from actively using hate speech ? WELL WHY DON’T YOU PREVENT IT ON GRINDR THEN ? Was it a new platform to exchange ideas and experiences so that we can find another way to communicate together ?

Here’s how they introduce Kindr on their official site : At Grindr, we’re into diversity (MONEY), inclusion, and users who treat each other with respect. We’re not into racism, bullying, or other forms of toxic behavior (YOU ARE THE TOXIC BEHAVIOR). These are our preferences, and we’ve updated our Community Guidelines to better reflect them. Same app. New rules (DID YOU THOUGH?) Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Their type. Their tastes. But nobody is entitled to tear someone else down because of their race, size, gender, HIV status, age, or — quite simply — being who they are. (AS LONG AS IT DOES NOT PUT YOUR BUSINESS IN A RISKY POSITION) Join us in building a kinder Grindr. (DO YOUR OWN DAMN WORK). Express yourself, but not at the expense of someone else (OR US). Report discrimination when you see it (LIKE WITH THE JEWS BACK THEN. ALSO, WE THE USERS, ALREADY DID THAT). Use your voice and share your story to call out prejudice and spark change. Together, we can amplify the conversation and take steps towards a kinder, more respectful community (SEE, WE AT GRINDR ARE WOKE).

There you have it. A marketing scam to ease the pain of millions of users whose relationships and self esteem were affected by Grindr’s lack of interest in their consumers. How many years did it take for a simple statement from the CEO ? What’s actually concrete about these actions ?

in the community guide lines, it is stated that they “will remove any discriminatory statements displayed on profiles. […] Profile language that is used to openly discriminate against other users’ traits and characteristics will not be tolerated and will be subject to review by our moderation team”. FINE. So, if someone says “no short fat asians”, theoretically it would be removed from the profile. But if it says “more into vanilla and spice than chocolate and rice. So hit me up if this is you” (an actual Grindr profile, by the way), what can a Grindr moderator do about it ? The racism is still there. Are we to believe that EVERY single profile is being reviewed in detail ?

#deletegrindr was a popular hashtag over a year ago. I’m not on twitter and I still heard about it. Was it a cultural shift in the way gay people wanted to treat other gay people ? Were we on the verge of a revolution ? Nop. Grindr released data informations of thousands and thousands of profiles about HIV status (something that you can put on your Grindr profile) to third party companies. Since then, Grindr released the Kindr initiative and rewrote its policies.

I’m not against dating apps. I think it was a wonderful tool back in the day to extend one’s horizon, explore and experiment with love, sex and adventures. It no longer works that way. I didn’t even talk about the spreading of drug using through profile description and the real danger of stimulants in someone’s sex life.

#deletegrindr should come back and this time, it has to work. Silicon Valley, go make an app from scratch. One that would implement actual kindness to the machine, not based on popularity. Think of what people need, not what they want. People are shitheads. I’m a shithead. What I want is never good for me.

And YOU. You, little queer boy reading this. Don’t go on Grindr before going to bed to check the hotties in your area. Forget about that 6'2 monster cock Swedish god that lives nearby and offered you a quick hump for the ride. Ask him for a drink, put down your phone, get to know him a little and then fuck his brains out. You’re still gonna fuck but you’ll find humanity where there was once none.

That’s my preaching for the night. I gave up long ago on apps. I delete them all and stay away for months. Then, I feel lonely and get back to one or two. I met this new guy that way (4).The nice thing about it was that we did not talk dick sizes, favorite positions or any sexual desires until way after we actually met (and we’re talking two full weeks of messages). I’m not on any dating apps now.

(1) https://tetu.com (2) https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2018/sep/29/wltm-colour-blind-dating-app-racial-discrimination-grindr-tinder-algorithm-racism (3) https://www.kindr.grindr.com (4) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ezra_Miller

[justasmalltowngirl-posts-blog]

CHAPTER ONE.

It was a very busy night in Dallas. The Stars are beating the Nashville Predators to enter the second round of the Stanley cup and I’m entering on my fourth hour of tattooing this big master piece on the back on my client. I’ve enjoyed every single minute with client who didn’t even move and not even a single complaint came out of my client mouth. The thing that I’ve enjoyed the most with him is all the stories that he was telling me. It’s nice to have this connection with a client and feel that the trust is there at 100%. It’s we known each other since ever and sometimes, it’s like he really knows me. A lot of memories are coming back with his stories and at some point, I wanted to let out some tears out because just like him, family is very important. I’ve gave up on so many people when I decided to go on my own way and try to found out who I really am. When I started to shadow around in tattoo shops, I’ve never in life knew that being a tattoo artist would’ve been my future. It’s not easy to found success when you constantly moving around. To be honest, I didn’t know in what I was going into. The fear of being homeless and always feel of regretting those bad choices was always a nightmare. I eventually found my way and got back on track with a mentor who found me on Instagram. Social media was my only hope. Posting new content everyday so I’d make sure that people are getting my attention, it was exhausting. I’m grateful to work for my mentor. Learning from him was all the stars in the sky. It was a blessing and a life saver for me. I even can’t believe that I also won on Ink Master last year. Seeing my face on the cover of Ink Magazine was like a rush in my veins. It was like I was hit by lightning. There’s so many positive things who is coming in my way and all of that makes me happy.

I was almost at the end of the session. It’s a good thing we are closing late because even if we started early, I wanted to make sure that this master piece has all the right detail in it to impress who ever will notice this massive back tattoo. I’ve always love the Greek mythology, the Egyptians and my favorite of all are the Vikings. My origins are from Russia with my great grandfather who ran from the World War II. My grandmother always had a pleasure to tell us stories about him and sometimes she will speak Russian just for us to feel how important it was for us to know where we come from. I’ve learn to speak this foreign language with her teachings. I was pretty much the only one in the family who had the determination to learn Russian and the people around me are surprise to hear that actually. I think it’s important to speak more than one or 2 languages because now a days, everything we know is needed to save our asses. I miss my grandmother very much. In a few weeks I will surprise her for her birthday and I just wish that she will be happy to see me. I know that I being here in Dallas didn’t quite make my family happy and especially my friends, but I was not happy where I was. I was not being myself what so ever and also starting to be very depress. The only person who understood that was my best friend Lindsay. We know each other since were in kinder garden and we are pretty much like sisters. Nothing can pull us a part and even if I’m not in Ottawa anymore, we always found a way to see each other and spend some good quality time with one another and the fact that no one know that I’m coming for my grandmother 80th birthday, that’s will be very special.

 I led back on my chair and looked at this amazing tattoo that I’ve spend almost 2 weeks to make. My client didn’t wanted to have anyone else then me to work on that project. I was very happy to see how good this tattoo was and I’ve took numerous pictures of it after cleaning the excess of blood on his back. Seeing the joy and the excitement of client was my biggest reword of all, but what surprised me the most was how generous he was. I was almost speechless to see all the money he gave me for my work. I didn’t even realize that he gave me is phone number under 2 100 dollar bills. This guy is the most unpredictable and he always has something different every single day. I might call him cuz’ he’s kinda cute, but he’s a little bit too much and what I mean by too much is that he looks like a douche bag. I kept that thought for me because I don’t wanna desrecptful in regards my clients. I some tattoo artist who doesn’t give a shit sometimes and that’s just too much for me to handle when I’m hearing them swearing against the clients and sometimes for them sky is the limit and I will never tolerate bullies. I wrap up my client to make sure that he doesn’t get stuck on is shirt. I almost went through the half of my Vaseline jar with that back tattoo. I got surprise with a little kiss on my cheek before he when out of the tattoo shop. This job will always surprise me.

I was finally out of the shop. I set up the alarm so we don’t have any surprises in the middle of night and I decide to go take a drink at the bar to relax a little. I’m not a drinker, but a beer doesn’t hurt once in a while. I went home to change first. My apartment was at 5 minutes max from the shop and this place was perfect for me. I enjoy those big windows who brings the natural lights inside. I enjoy the high ceilings who make the place bigger and I also love the fact that it’s a big open space who regroups my living room, my kitchen and dining room. The only rooms who are closed are my bedroom and my bathroom, but other than that, everything is great here. I took a quick shower and change clothes before I when out. I was wearing a long black shirt with high white socks with 2 black strips on the top with Vans shoes on feet. The stop at the half of my thigh so everyone can see my big tattoo on my right thigh. I put my hair in a big flashy red pony tail and added just a bit of makeup to not look to zombie. I decided to go to the most popular bar downtown in Dallas where usually we can see big popular names hanging around there. I’ve been twice to this bar and there’s a very good vibe over there. The music and liquor is quite good so it’s a must to go hangout there. I took a Uber to go to the bar. I need to be at least responsible for myself and not being a stupid brat and make an accident. I gave him a good tip before I went in the bar. It was crowded with so many people and I heard that the Dallas Stars are supposed to come by tonight for a little party. I wanted to take only one drink and leave, but I think I will stay for a little bit longer and have some fun.

  I’ve stop counting all the drinks I had received over the past 15 minutes and I needed to refuse some of them because I didn’t wanted to be wasted if by any chance I met a celebrity or a hockey player. I’ve probably hurt somebodies feelings by rejection, but to be honest I needed to say NO. Some people doesn’t take NO for an answer but hey, I’m not interested to have childish people around me in a grown ass man body. I order a Perrier water battle to change a little bit. That will also help with my headache who is slowly starting to take effect on me, but it’s not this annoying little pressure on my forehead who will stop me to have some fun. I was surprise to see my boss here tonight. I caught his eye at the end of the bar with a girl who was totally on to him. He notice me with a little smirk on is lips and I roll my eyes while shaking my head with a smile on my face. Well damn, he is such a womanizer and I hope his wife is not around tonight. Farrah is a real pain in the ass to be honest. When I started to work with Alain, she was pretty much accusing me of pushing her away from her husband. Since I told her what I was really thinking about her behavior, now she totally respect’s me and also respect’s the engagement I have with Alain in our work space environment. I still think that she’s a lot to handle tho’ but I think with good communication and respect, we can work something out without a cat fight. The crowd started to be more agitated. The arrival of the Dallas Stars with the cheers of the crowd broth an enormous vibe of good energy here and it was nice to see how everyone cares about that team. My heart will always be with the Ottawa Senators, but it’s awesome to see this wave of love for them. I’ve joined the crowd and cheer with them to encourage the team. This night will be promising and with the awesome job I did at the shop earlier, I think I will spoil myself tonight.