#I’m glad we don’t do this kind of things in Europe

[jeffbiblesupremacy]

Bible at the airport on his way to LA (x)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for sleeping with a 20 year old?

tw: mentions of potential grooming, age gap relationships, nsft/nsfw, vague discussions of sex

So, me (38m) and my wife (39f) are in an open relationship. Basically, we’re both bisexual and not quite ready to limit our sex lives to one person yet. So, we decided to allow friends with benefits situations outside of our relationship. No romantic stuff, no dating, just sex.

In January, my wife went to stay at her best friend’s (28f) house and have some fun together. I don’t mind at all, I was kind of glad to have our apartment to myself for a week. Now, there’s this queer bar that me and my wife frequent and it’s a good mix of all age demographics and identities.

There’s this one trans guy, I’ll call him M, that most people in the local community know because he’s very attractive. He reminds me of a very short Eric Draven mixed with Eddie Vedder. (Oddly specific, I know) Like, he has long-ish curly brown hair, big brown eyes, the sweetest smile ever and he dresses very well. A little grunge here, a little rockstar there. Good jewelry. You get it.

I always catch people staring at him when he’s at the bar with his friends. (We live in Europe btw, legal drinking age is 18.) In short, I find him very cute. He’s basically a micro celebrity among the community and he doesn’t even know it.

So, while my wife was away I went down to the bar and his friend group invited me to come sit with them. We started talking, he’s super funny and we began talking about Pearl Jam because of the shirt I was wearing. Found out he’s obsessed with the music scene of the 90s, specifically rock and grunge, and I happen to have a collection of merchandise of the big 4. I invited him to come check it out and he eagerly accepted. None of his friends wanted to come, so it was just us two. Showed him the stuff, he got super excited about it and I even let him keep one of my Soundgarden shirts and some CDs.

I offered to cook dinner, we ate and then had some weed brownies for dessert. We got posted on the couch, talked for a good while and he began confiding in me. I’m not gonna go into detail because that’s shitty, but he basically told me he’d never had a positive sexual experience up to that point. Apparently all of his exes were switches leaning submissive and he’s purely submissive, so things never really worked out and he never finished with any of them.

I told him about me and my wife’s arrangements and some other stuff about our sex life. (Don’t worry, my wife is 100% okay with this. Even in this context.)

Here’s where I might be the asshole, if not the creep:

Now, I was pretty high at that point and I joked about how I could give him a positive experience. To my surprise, he actually eagerly accepted. I was a bit hesitant because we were both buzzed, but he kept reiterating that he’s consenting and that he’s sure he wants this. So, I made sure he had a good night and he actually ended up sleeping over and we cuddled. It was super nice and he seemed genuinely ecstatic about it the next morning, it was adorable. I was honestly just happy that I was able to give him a positive sexual encounter.

We exchanged numbers, kept texting for two days and he ended up coming over again. Had some more fun together and he went to go sleep over at a friend’s place. At that point, I sort of realized that I may be catching feelings for him. Which is against me and my wife’s rules and also just a horrible idea, especially considering the age gap. So, I let him know that I need some distance and he was super understanding. He was understandably a bit disappointed but didn’t complain or anything.

Once my wife came back, I told her about everything. This is just a thing we do because it helps avoid speculation and unnecessary jealousy. We always tell each other about what happens with our other sexual partners, but only if they consent to it. Which most of them do because they’re our friends. She seemed a bit unnerved by it, not because of the fact that I had feelings for him, but because of the age difference. She said it’s weird and predatory and told me she needed some time to think.

Apparently, she went to go check in on M and asked him if I pressured him into anything. He said it was a 100% mutual thing and he’s very much into older guys, so he enjoyed it quite a lot.

This put her mind at ease but I’m still quite shaken by it. I never stopped to consider the fact that the age difference is quite concerning. I can’t help but feel like a nasty creep that bribed some poor 20 year with old band shirts to come sleep with him. I don’t like that I didn’t even think about it. Talking with M came so easy and we share a lot of interests. I’m not about to go and say he’s 'mature for his age' because he isn’t, he acts like any other 20 year old.

I was just so focused on how attractive and interesting he is to me, I fear I might’ve acted extremely selfish and should’ve stopped to take his lack of experience and his naivety into account. Of course he’d sleep with me, he’s 20 and doesn’t know any better. It should’ve been my job, as the older adult, to put a stop to it. Please don’t hesitate to give it to me straight.

AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[nolita-fairytale]

burn your life down | chef luca x fem!reader | chapter nine

summary: you catch up with an old friend and luca makes you dinner.

warnings: fluff, eventual angst not use of y/n, conversations about divorce, slow burn, baby, second person pov, swearing, danish inaccuracies, very little connection to the storyline of the bear.

word count: 3.3k

listen to: the official 'burn your life down' playlist (songs mentioned in chapter are in this playlist!)

a/n: i've always pictured mathilde & jesper as the chalamet siblings AND astrid is in fact played by rina sawayama i don't make the rules (i do). thank you for all comments, reblogs, and screaming at me because we are all obsessed. seriously, it's an honor and i'm just so excited that you all are just as excited as me. let me know if you'd like to be added or removed from the taglist.

chapter eight | masterlist | chapter ten

You spend your first Sunday afternoon without Luca, for the first time in a few weeks, deep cleaning your home. Between your new relationship and your work at the restaurant, you’d found yourself falling behind on chores. But he’d worked the late shift last night, filling in for a cook who called out, which is how you’d ended up with a night and morning of divine alone time. 

With your headphones on, it’s easy to multitask, simultaneously folding clothes while you catch up with your friend, formerly-sister-in-law, over the phone. 

“Anyways, work’s kept me so damn busy that I’ve barely had a moment in my own home but… we are all doing quite alright over here,” she explains, after detailing her travels all across Europe. 

Being a buyer for Nordstrom UK keeps her on the road, or rather, in the sky, at a frequent rate. 

“Well I’m glad you called. It’s good to hear from you. And It’s really good to catch up, Astrid,” you say, smiling to yourself as you finish folding a pile of t-shirts. 

“Well, just because you and Joe didn’t work out doesn’t change anything. You’re still my sister,” she replies, with a small laugh. “We’re family, regardless of the fact that he couldn’t keep a good thing around.”

“Astrid! You know it wasn’t like that,” you protest, though you know it’s all in jest.

“I know,” she sighs, and you can practically hear her rolling her eyes from all the way to England. “Selfishly, I’m just feeling a bit contrary about it, is all. But enough about me. How are you? How’s everything at the restaurant?”

“It’s been great. I… can’t believe that I have a restaurant,” you answer as you shake your head in disbelief.

“God, I’ve gotta get out there soon. I haven’t stopped thinking about that lumache from my last visit – what was it – last November? Yeah, it’s been too long,” Astrid recalls lightheartedly. 

“Yeah, it really has. Just let me know. You know I’m always up for hosting you,” you agree, hopeful that she’ll come visit soon. 

“Besides work, what else’s new? And don’t tell me you’re still just burying yourself in the restaurant because I don’t want to hear it,” she asks, a curious tone in her voice as she segways from work to 

“Well um…” you trail off, treading lightly over the delicate subject. 

The thing you want to tell her about is Luca, because he is what’s new in your life. His presence in your life is evident – it’s in the pair of sweatpants he tossed in with your laundry that you’re folding now, the spare toothbrush you ‘lent’ him that sits right next to yours, and the way that thinking of him makes your heart race. 

You don’t want to lie to her… but you’re also not sure what the etiquette is either. 

It’s not like this is included in the divorcee handbook you never got in the first place. 

“I’m… sort of seeing someone,” you admit, hesitantly. 

“What?!” she gasps, instantly giddy with excitement. “Yeah, we uh…” you hesitate, testing the waters since she seems excited about it. “We’ve been dating for about a month now, maybe.”

“Shut up! That’s mega! How’d you meet? Tell me everything,” she gushes. 

“Well, he actually came into the restaurant. Kind of became a regular and uh…” you explain, and she can hear the smile in your voice as you do. “He’s great. You’ll love this story, actually. He’s also a chef – a pastry chef. One night after coming in, he left a box of croissants for my staff and a handwritten note inviting me to come to the restaurant he works at. It was very….”

“Romantic. Wow…” Astrid adds, too excited for you as she listens. “And a bold move. Knows what he wants. I like him already.”

“Yeah, he’s… he’s really incredible. I swear. He has the patience of a saint, especially as I’ve uh… you know, I’ve been trying to figure this whole… dating after you end your marriage kinda thing,” you continue, chuckling in response to the awkwardness of it all. 

“We were friends actually, for a while. Just friends, which, I know you’ll yell at me about when you see what he looks like. But I think it was good for us, for me, really – to be friends first.”

“Well, now you have to send me a picture,” she requests, even more intrigued as you fiddle with your phone, pulling up a photo you took of Luca the other day. 

You wait a beat. Then another, seeing that the photo has been delivered as Astrid shrieks in your ear. 

“Are you fuckin’ kidding me, mate?!” she practically screams. 

“I know,” you squeal. 

“You are absolutely unbelievable,” she shakes her head, staring at the gorgeous blonde on her screen. “How did you not jump right into bed?!”

“Trust me,” you reply, the room suddenly feeling 5 degrees hotter. “After we agreed to start seeing each other, we didn’t wait very long.”

”Sounds like you have a boyfriend,” Astrid comments smugly, as she waits for your reaction. You have expect yourself to panic, but you don’t as you the words tumble out of your mouth. 

“I… it does sound that way, doesn’t it?” you ask her, your voice soft as you reply. 

“Absolutely, my darling,” Astrid replies, before changing the subject. “Okay, so how’s the sex?!”

“Astrid!” you protest with a laugh. “Do you really want to-?”

“Of fucking bloody course I do! Now spill!” she demands. 

You pause, grinning as your cheeks blush. 

“It’s fucking incredible,” you admit, eliciting a giggle from your friend. 

“Shit, babe,” she sighs, contently. “I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks,” you say back, because you’re pretty damn happy too. “Astrid, will you keep this between us? It’s just that it’s all still so new and….” 

You pause. 

“I just don’t want Joe to hear it from anyone but me.” 

“Of course,” she replies, compassionately, in deep understanding.

“What else are sisters for?”

-------------------------------

You showed up to Luca’s flat uncertain of what to expect, but then he’d pulled you into his home and kissed you like you’d been on his mind all day – and in his defense, you really had. 

“Why don’t you come over Sunday night, then? Let me cook you dinner for a change,” he had suggested as you were figuring out your schedules for the week. 

“You sure you’ll be up for that after working overtime this week?” you’d asked in response. 

“I’ll be alright, love,” he’d answered, like he had unlimited energy when it came to you. 

And even though you’d asked him if you should bring dessert – only to be met with a cheeky comment about you being dessert – you showed up anyway with a matcha basque cheesecake in hand and a deli container filled with a yuzu scented whipped cream to top it with. 

So this is how you find yourself perched on top of Luca’s kitchen island countertop, after having watched his exceptional knife skills for the last thirty. You spend your evening snacking on sliced sourdough bread you’re not sure how he had the time to make, and sip on your glass of red wine while watching him prepare a coq au vin. You swear you’ve got hearts in your eyes when you look at him, watching his muscular, inked forearms flex with how he grips his chef’s knife. As music plays softly in the background, a playlist you can only imagine is the entirety of Luca’s music library put on shuffle, you busy yourself, refilling your wine glass for your second glass of the night. 

“Want another, babe?” you ask him, noticing that he’s on his way to empty as well. 

“Sure. Thank you, my love,” he replies, scooping a handful of chopped carrots up from his cutting board with a bench scraper, depositing them into a small bowl. You watch as Luca picks up his glass of wine and makes his way over to you. 

He hands you the glass, then places a gentle kiss against your lips, a smile spreading across his lips. Luca takes a few steps away so that you can fill his glass again, making a few swift movements to turn the heat down on the gas burner. 

“How was your day?” he asks, while still moving around his kitchen. 

You fill him in on your productive day of chores and catching up with an old friend while Luca listens, busy with removing the pieces of chicken out from the heavy, enameled, cast-iron pot and onto a plate. By the time Luca’s added hot oil to the pot, followed by the chopped carrots and peeled, halved cipollini onions, you’ve caught him up on the long version of Jesper’s latest love-life updates, since he and Claudio have now decided to make it official. 

“So you used to make this with your mom?” you ask curiously, changing the subject as you watch Luca scrape the browned bits off the bottom of the pot. 

He nods in response, stealing a glance your way, his lips turned up into a half smile. 

“Yeah. Most coq au vins can take up to three to four hours, but my mum didn’t have the time,” Luca explains, as you watch him remove the pieces of chicken from out of the heavy, enameled, cast-iron pot and onto a plate. “But it was important for her… to cook for me… to share that ritual with me when she could.” 

The sound of the wine and cognac mixture hitting the hot pan sizzles throughout Luca’s home, your nose filling with the smell of deglazed caramelized bits. 

“And I spent a lot of time as a kid watching the cooking channel, so while we didn’t exactly spend all Sunday cooking a classic French coq au vin, Jamie Oliver’s did the job quite well,” Luca recalls, sharing a piece of his relationship with food with you. 

“Well, it smells incredible,” you say, as he approaches you once more, this time with a full glass of wine in your hands, ready for him. 

As Luca leans in again, the way he kisses you is much more languid, slow, like time is limitless. You breathe him in, completely enamored with the man that’s kissing you, and before anything too wild can happen, he pulls away, leaving you wanting more. Luca smirks, and you swear he knows the effect he has on you. He presses a quick peck to your lips this time, before taking the glass of wine from your hands and heading back to his post in front of the stovetop. 

“This all goes back in,” he continues, using tongs to add the chicken and pancetta bits back into the simmering pot. “Then we braise it in the oven for about… thirty, forty minutes maybe.” 

You raise your glass of wine to your lips, taking a quick sip of the beaujolais you’re using both for the coq au vin and to unwind, listening as the song changes in the background, instantly recognizing the drum pattern. The corners of your lips turn up into a smile as you close your eyes, enjoying the familiarity of the song as you say:

“God, I love this song.”

Luca smiles, “It’s a classic. Great song.” 

Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick

The one that makes me scream, she said

The one that makes me laugh, she said

Threw her arms around my neck

“You know, I saw them when I was in my early 20s. It was just me and a bunch of somebody’s dads,” you grin, in reference to The Cure. 

Luca chuckles at your comment, before asking, “Did you really?” 

“Yes. And when they came out on stage, smoke machine and all, I wept because it was the fulfillment of a childhood dream – to see them. I… was a bit of an angsty teen,” you answer, raising your wine glass to your lips once more. 

“Think we all had an angsty phase, more or less. Mine was less pining to The Cure and more stirrin’ up trouble,” Luca admits, lightheartedly. 

“Again, and I’m holding you to it. You promised me pictures,” you remind him with aplomb. 

“I did, yeah,” he chuckles, shyly, with a sigh of resignation. 

You focus on enjoying one of your favorite songs and sipping on your glass of wine, as you watch Luca put the enameled cast-iron plot, full of the ready-to-braise coq au vin, into the oven. 

Comfortable silences between you and Luca have become more frequent. There are days that all you want to do is stay up till the early hours of the morning talking and kissing and fucking, and there are others that you love leaning into the quiet intimacy that seems to be developing between you. It’s almost as if you’ve forgotten what this feels like – the excitement of something new where you’re learning so much about each other and everything feels like the first time. 

It’s thrilling and it’s also safe. 

Luca makes you feel safe, and you can’t imagine doing this with anyone else but him. 

For a first time relationship, post-divorce, you really hit the jackpot, you think to yourself. 

Luca continues moving around the kitchen, drinking his wine in between clean up tasks, as if he’s at work, hell bent on keeping his station clean. He’s much better than you are at that, you observe, as he does a few dishes that he’s used up, instead of leaving them in the sink for tomorrow. 

As he dries his hands on a dish towel, the song changes, and the opening notes of Beyonce’s Love On Top begin playing. You smile as you hear the undeniable: 

Bring the beat in!

“Alright, mate. Hear me out,” Luca proposes, spinning around with excitement. “And I don’t say this lightly. But this. This is one of the greatest songs of all time.” 

“I-I’m sorry,” you giggle as you watch Luca dance to the song in his kitchen with a smoothness that’s somehow simultaneously a little silly. 

“What? You don’t agree?” he asks, shooting you a look as he ball changes towards you, earning another laugh from you. 

“No, I do. I love this song,” you grin from ear to ear. “I’m just so tickled by the fact that you love this song.”

“It’s Beyonce,” he defends, in his best ‘well-duh’ kind of tone, gesturing wildly. “C’mon. Let’s dance.” 

“Wh-,” you begin to say, before Luca’s practically pulling you off of the counter to join him. “Luca!!”

But he’s not having any of your protests as he wraps his arms around you. You hang onto him, holding him close as he leads you in a silly uptempo kind of dance, spinning and turning you with him in a way that has you in a fit of giggles. The two of you stumble from his kitchen into the living space area as you move together, embracing how goofy and ridiculous you both feel. 

Luca sings along softly, something you get a better listen to as soon as he’s pulling you close to him. 

“What the fuck!” you practically shriek, your jaw practically on the floor. 

“Hmm?” he hums in response, unphased by your outburst. 

“You’re unfuckingreal,” you balk, as you listen to him hum along to the Beyonce song. “I mean. You-, like, you look like this, you’re great in bed, and you have a nice singing voice? How-, how’s a girl ever supposed to stand a chance?” 

He chuckles, his lips ghosting over the shell of your ear, sending chills down your spine as he coos, teasingly, “I’m great in the sack, hmm?” 

Your heart skips a beat as you pull back, just enough to look into the eyes of your lover as you say, “Oh fuck off.”

He laughs again, this time, leaving a soft kiss against your ear, hugging you closer to him as you slow your dance down as the song begins to end. There’s a pause between this and the next song, providing the perfect opportunity for Luca to answer your earlier question. 

“You weren’t,” Luca replies, his voice quiet but sure. Supposed to stand a chance, he means. “I think we were supposed to meet. Supposed to be here.”

Supposed to fall in love. 

He leans down to kiss you as the next song begins, transitioning into a much bluesier sound. The crooning sounds of Etta James blast from Luca’s living room speakers, as you smile into the kiss. You groan, your heart aching in the best way as kiss him to:

I want a Sunday kind of love

A love to last past Saturday night

And I'd like to know it's more than love at first sight

And I want a Sunday kind of love, oh yeah, yeah

“My God. I think tonight’s shuffle is proof that you may just have the most versatile taste in music history,” you mumble, pulling away for a moment from the kiss. 

As you open your eyes, Luca’s just admiring you, an awestruck look on his face that steals your breath. No longer able to deflect with humor or anything else really, you lay your head on his chest, settling into the soft swaying motion of the dance that you and Luca have fallen into. Your arms go around his neck once more as Luca holds you close to him, making a mental note to remember this forever. 

“How did you know?” you ask Luca, softly. 

“What’s that, love?” he asks back. 

“You said that you thought we might be good at this. At… at an ‘us.’ When we talked about starting to see each other,” you begin, choosing your words carefully, underscored by the violins of the song. 

Luca takes a deep breath admitting that, “I didn’t.” 

“What do you mean?” you ask, looking up at him, your eyes full of adoration for the man that’s captured your heart.

“Babe, I-,” he starts, letting out a small laugh. “I knew we got on well. And that I liked you. And I thought… if we got on this well as friends and you felt the same, that we could give it a go. See what happens.” He takes a beat, choosing his words, before continuing with: 

“But, my love, I can’t predict the future. It could work out in the long run, it could not. But I wanted-, I want to see how far we can take it.”

You take a deep breath, because this conversation is deep-breath worthy. 

Notorious for wanting to read the last page of a book first, you know he’s right, that you can’t predict the future, and you, now just as much as he does, would like to see how far this could go. 

“Yeah it-, that makes complete sense,” you stammer, feeling incredibly vulnerable all of a sudden. You rest your head against his chest again, settling back into your slow sway to the beat. 

Like clockwork, the song ends, something a little more upbeat trickling in through the speakers. You and Luca remain in each others’ arms, content to stay here forever. You’re amazed at his confidence, at his fearlessness to take a chance on love, and you think to yourself, he might be teaching you some of that too. 

“Let’s take a trip together,” Luca suggests, the low resonance of his voice cutting through the quiet. “Maybe end of the month or something. An end of summer trip.” He chuckles, a hand coming up to stroke your hair as you enjoy the way his voice vibrates in his chest. 

“Fuck it. I could care less if we make it in time for the end of summer. Let’s just get out of the city together.” 

“That sounds spectacular,” you answer. 

And it’s there, in Luca’s arms after a dance party for two, that you think to yourself, you couldn’t be happier.

[stockpheebphoob]

Kosovo relations either that I think aren’t notable enough to put in his wiki or just what he thinks of certain countries/provinces/autonomies… kek :P.

Also, my first Tumblr post. Jajj 4_4!

VOJVODINA

“She’s okay. I think she’s pretty, but very slow at processing things. She’s basically Mrs.Hungary’s sister, so, she’s not as mean to me as Srbija is. I don’t really pay any attention to her.”

He wants to be better friends with her but they have very different likes. Sometimes when they hang out alone, Voj will ramble on about random stuff. Kosovo sort of just tunes her out. He’s come to the conclusion that nobody else really listens to her (except, maybe Macedonia. But, that must get tiring.)

SRPSKA

“Bastard child. He’s the only reason that Bosnia and Hercegovina don’t recognize me! Srbijas bootlicker. Srbija says I should be more like him (no way!)”

(Plus, he’s like, 10.)

LATVIA

“He’s really nice. I think he was nervous when he first met me, because he used to ramble a lot (which I found a bit annoying). But, now he seems calmer. We don’t hang out much but I like it when we do.”

LITHUANIA/ESTONIA

“I don’t mind them. They seem like nice guys. When Lithuania gets paranoid he reminds me of Albania.”

Kosovo feels a bit self conscious when seeing Lithuania and Estonia. He wonders if he should be doing as much work as them…

LIECHTENSTEIN

“She’s nice too. She’s in Western Europe so my favorite part about spending time at her house is joining her on a picnic… she has very nice scenery. We both like goats.”

SWITZERLAND

“He’s better friends with Albania than me, but I still like him. He doesn’t like me or Albania around his goats. I think he’s a terrible driver.”

SEALAND

“He annoys the hell out of me. Whenever we talk he says he understands how it feels to not be a recognized country. Who does he think he is?!”

GREEK

Kosovo is a bit conflicted on how to feel about Greek. He’s way too friendly with Serbia for his liking… plus, he doesn’t recognize Kosovo! But, his relationship with Albania seems to be clearing up… slowly. For the time being, he just avoids Greek.

MONTENEGRO

“I’m glad he’s nice to me. Back when we used to live in the same house, we wouldn’t really talk much. We still don’t talk a lot, which is why I’m surprised he can find the energy to support me; but, I’m not complaining!”

SLOVENIA

Kosovo appreciates that Slovenia is so kind to him. He gets a bit bugged when Slo acts cocky and says he can help mend the relationship between Kosovo and Serbia, but, he’s glad that he wants to try at least. It’s much more than other countries can say. His relationship with Slo is similar to the one he has with Croatia: they respect eachother but don’t talk much.

MACEDONIA

I don’t think I have any good ideas for their relationship… Macedonia isn’t on the greatest terms with Albania, but she probably used to babysit Kosovo. They both like ajvar and think that Serbia’s sucks. Kek.

Sorry if it’s not too exciting… Lel. Maybe if I make one for Albania then it’ll have more interesting stuff. Sorry, Kosovo lives a boring life outside of… you know. Kek.

[kendrixtermina]

Space Babies

I did not like the overly silly & unserious beginning sequence, but once they landed on the spaceship it got solid, & there’s an actual sense of exploration, mystery, sensowunder & familiar thematic beats since the persistence of humanity, the solving things by talking („just creatures you haven’t met yet“), the Doctor as confident, enthusiastic & very experiened.

Ruby just had more emotional reactions in 2 minutes than all the Chibnall companions did in the entire opening two-partner. She’s woved by space. She’s showing concern for the Doctor. She’s awed at seeing humanity’s survival. She’s guessing & thinking.

UGH im just so glad.

Like she manages to seem like a person while continuing to be established as someone who rolls with crazy very well, as in the previous episode. It’s the little subtle reactions & questions that still make her seem like a person / functional audience surrogate.

That opening dialogue is a good summary of the Doctor as an explorer.

Ovsly they’re expositioning a lot of the lore of the Doctor’s backstory for any new fans who are only starting to watch wth this ‚era‘, but they’re also showing us where he arrived at as a character after his time with Donna.

He’s still rushing from place to place & being a tad blunt at it, he’s still glossing over heavy serious stuff by saying it lightly, but he’s come a long way since Martha had to forcbly drag the backstory out of him, and found a renewed sense of joy & purpose.

I love how they’re doing his reactions of being excited by the weird. Like, there’s the character I like again! (I suppose run with RTD’s patchup of explaining 13s OOC-ness with burnout, I don’t think that’s what Chibnall was doing, but it’s the best they could do & an unboring concept. I kinda wish we could just ignore the timeless child nonsense completely but I realize why that’s not possible, at least they’re actually showing him having an opinion about it. (‚the adopted one was the one to survive‘)

Like they’re actually trying to give it some meaning & have the character say what it means to him (exactly the thing Chibnall just never did with the twist for the sake of twist) & tying it into some celebration of diversity, which like strikes me as how the Doctor’s character would react to such a thing. They’re steering it away from ‚specialest little boy‘ & having him still identify with the culture he grew up with. (it probably lands better than it could have otherwise because they’re having someone from an immigrant family like Gatwa perform it. Like he’s got other roots but probably also sees Britain as his home & part of him? More sort of how many immigrants in europe tend to see themselves rather than the US American culture = genes nonsense. ‚In Germany I‘m the Turkish kid but when I go to Turkey I notice I’m very German’ type of thing. )

I still hate the timeless child thing with a passion & still wish it didn’t exist, but this is probably the best way to salvage it.

It’s telling that they’re not even using the fancy mary suey title „timeless child“ but having him say he was randomly found & no one knows where he cae from etc. that’s a different framing/flavoring less eviscerating of the character & less invalidating of all the previous stuff.

Well. I got the time jigzaw line, im grateful for it, its explicitly ambiguous what the og backstory was.

Especially in the context of the current arc with the rewritten universe, it does make sense that he doesn’t even know what his original backstory was, he’s kind of outlived not just Gallifrey, but his OG timeline, his OG version of the universe, sort of a unaligned unmoored chaotic existence. Theres some pathos to that, and you can see Ncuti channeling a bunch of his own feelings into it.

Though this makes me wonder how they’ll handle the Master when he comes back, if he’s now the one that did it in place of the Daleks. )

A speaking baby is unexpectedly funny, especially since they move their lips XD

I also love how much Ruby & the Doctor are obviously having fun together and acting like actual friends.

I keep being excited over low bar things but, like, UGH Chibnall traumatized me.

Still, they ARE actually doing a good job at showing Ruby & the Doctor behaving like friends, especially in the way they’re making jokes & gesturing.

They comitted to the ‚kindergarten meets space accident‘ aesthetic…

I love how Ruby immediately kicks into Big Sister Mode. The last episode we mostly got to know her family but there wasn’t so much on Ruby herself so in these episodes we’re probably going to focus on her.

The babies act like a mix between serious astronauts and actual babies xD

I love how sucinct & archetypical the answer of „The Bogeyman“ is. No uneccessary Fluff.

And though he’s warmer & more open, the doctor is still distinctly his a tad insensitive, big ego self.

So that’s the reveal.

I like this. This kinda miscarriage of justice situation and a random accountant who doesn’t know how to run anything being the one who stayed behind. „they won’t stop the babies being born but won’t care for them“… badum tsch.

Ohh, ohh the refugee line. That’s SO on point. That’s all the shit I’m mad about in current european politics. That’s not pulling punches.

I love how Ruby is the one to piece together the fairytale logic.

Like the Doctor’s excited to be learning the ‚new physics‘, but he’s the physicist. Ruby is kind of a fairytale protagonist, crazy number of siblings included.

Erics’s little toy sword :(((

Ruby’s actress NAILED this one. Like her concern & everything.

(oh thank fuck there are feelings in this show again)

RTD was rather good at world building, wasn’t he? Like making unique little one-off settings. Yeah, he had his flaws with the resent button endings & overblown pathos at times, but I always thought he did worldbuilding & flavor text pretty well. I like Joycelyn.

So yeah, we’re definitely getting to know Ruby in this episode and she’s pretty proactive & rolling with the punches a lot. Like she improv’d the distraction, she decided she was going with the Doctor etc. like, a lot of companions would have stayed with the babies (for different reasons), or gone with the Doctor mostly out of worry for him and have an emotional moment here, but Ruby’s like, just casually deciding here. She’s very ‚cool‘.

And she's embroiled in some kind of never-seen-before phenomenon. But after Donna, Amy & Clara that's just average tuesday for the Doctor at this point. Unknown Phenomena go Brr!

Must be wild for Ruby that this super-experienced time-traveller guy can't explain her.

Like I’m already getting a sense of ‚what would Ruby do if you throw her at a given situation‘ which fucking Chibnall couldn’t give us with 3 seasons and 3 characters to contrast off each other.

I love how they save the monster, too. I love the TARDIS key scene and how the Doctor’s actually excited to have Ruby on his team, & actually asking her. (war flashback to that compilation of prev Doctors inviting their companions enthusiastically except for the very awkward chibnall scenes or how 13 barely showed any emotion when any of them left)

it’s fucking Doctor Who again. The HUMANIST THEMES! The xenophile eccentric nerd protagonist. The friendship & humanity & shit.

It’s the show that I used to like that I didn’t fucking recognize in Chibnal’s trashfire except for, like, the one stray good-ish ep per season.

I’ll take it. I’m like, the Dad from ‚the Prodigal Son‘ today.

I lost it & it came back, I’ll take it.

Love also how this time the Doctor has the 'no undoing the past' convo right away to pre-empt a repeat of 'Father's Day'.

[5and3nevermind]

I was talking a couple of days ago to my Korean friend about relationships and the differences between western and Korean relationships. One of the differences she pointed out is that while in Europe you usually move in together while you are dating, in Korea you only move in together AFTER you get married.

And yesterday it got me thinking about how despite spending so much together, how little we know about Jimin's house and how we know nothing about Yoongi's, we do know they have separate houses. It kind of makes more sense now 👀

YES!!! 100% this. I feel like some shippers (in general, not just yoonminers) are so intent on proving that certain pairs live together…even though the information we have suggests they each live alone.

We saw Jimin’s apartment during his Sept live and in the doc, and it sure looks like he lives alone in a rather sparsely decorated apartment. Meanwhile, we haven’t seen much of Yoongi’s apartment at all.

In addition to the cultural norm you mentioned, I also think we have to look at this as an issue of privacy/safety. If they lived together full-time, it would be very hard to hide that. It’s one thing to hide (or explain away) late-night visits, but coming and going on a daily basis, sharing the same permanent address, using the on-site amenities like the pool/gym/parking/etc? Too many people would be aware of that. (In my opinion)

I will say, I found it really cute that two of the spaces we saw in Jimin’s apartment—the gaming room with two chairs and the small home gym with boxing equipment—line up with activities we know Jimin and Yoongi do together. (Jimin mentioned working out with Yoongi during Face promos* and of course their gaming has been discussed a few times). Anyway, it’s just funny that we don’t know much about their homes but what we do know adds up with what they’ve told us.

Thanks for the ask! I’m glad you brought up this topic. 💛

*plus there’s this and this

[kimkaelyn]

kaelyn!! i am dropping by with some good music and new year wishes! 🎶🎉 thank you so much for being part of my 2023 🥹 i think you're so sweet!!

if i may ask!! 🥺 (pls feel free not to answer if uncomfy!!) how was 2023 for you? what’s a favourite thing (anything) you discovered this year? do you have any reflections from the past year? any resolutions for the next? 🥹

Oh my gosh, shotorus!!!! 🥹🥹🥹💗💗💗 thank you so much for your kind words. I am glad you were apart of my 2023 as well! Cheers to next year🥂

This is such a great question and it made me pause and think for a good while (I’m typing this out in my notes app lol) I haven’t reflected on my year yet so I’m doing it here.

I apologize for the length lmao.

Warning - mention of trauma (nothing graphic- literally just one line)

My 2023 was an interesting and exciting year, but also one of great challenges. Regardless, I am so proud of my accomplishments this year. I left my teen years behind and entered my twenties! Now I gotta figure out how to be an actual adult LMAO. On that note, I quit my toxic job of almost two years and was unemployed for a good two months until I started working at my current job. I traveled outside of the country for the first time. I spent 3 weeks in July with my Uncle traveling Europe. This trip was the highlight of my year for so so so so many reasons. It was also my first time leaving home and being separated from my parents for a long period of time.

Being away from home wasn’t as bad as I was scared it was going to be—I actually loved it. While on my trip, I learned so much about myself as a person and figured out what I want in life for myself. I actually learned how to think for myself instead of others this year, which is a big deal because I am always so worried about others that I never take the time to take care of myself.

On this trip, I had a lot of epiphanies. My family isn’t perfect—we have our issues like everyone else……but this year I actually started to sit down and start to unpack some of my unresolved childhood trauma. It’s nothing graphic, trust me, but let’s just say that my sister and I only had each other 90% of the time. My sister and I have started to actually talk about our experiences with one another and are slowly coming to terms with it and heal. I am so proud of this. We are making progress that should have started years ago, but it’s not too late. There is hope!

As for resolutions….i want to do better—by myself and others. I want to actually put myself first in some cases and do what’s best for me and my mental health instead of catering to others. Does that make me selfish? I don’t know….

My overall goal is to get accepted into university and get started on my future—on my own two feet and not relying on others, at least for now. I want to be independent for the first time in my life. I’m TERRIFIED, but I know that I will be okay.

I have a great support system—I got all of y’all here, my family, my boyfriend, and my irl friends. I am so thankful to all of you, even if we don’t talk much and only interact by liking each others posts. Meeting my mutuals on here has been a highlight of my year, and I am so happy to go into the New Year with you all. Regardless of if you live nearby or on the other side of the word, I am super thankful to each and everyone of you. I cannot put it into words. I love you all and I pray that you are blessed in 2024

💗🫶🏻✨

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 02/12/2023 a.k.a. a Deep Dive into '10 Hour Deep Relaxation'

Content warning: Christmas, some language, sex and politics

Welp, it’s officially Christmastime on the chart, and I really wanted an easy week in the first place. So thankfully they gave me one, no debuts in the top 75, “Lovin’ on Me” by Jack Harlow is still at #1, I’m going to do the rundown, two reviews for song suggestions and dip. Welcome to perhaps the least essential episode of REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

Rundown

Brenda Lee’s at #14, Mariah’s at #6 and for the first time this year, a Christmas song is in the top five: “Last Christmas” by Wham!. This means that I’m in the space every year when I can mess with the structure because there is no ordinary chart week from now on, and I’m kind of glad because things tend to get busy this time of year anyway. Our top five is rounded out by “greedy” by Tate McRae at #4, “Prada” by casso, RAYE and D-Block Europe at #3, “Stick Season” by Noah Kahan surprisingly at #2 and of course, Jack Harlow coming in for a third week at the top.

Whilst we’re discussing the non-holly and non-jolly songs on the chart, there are a few gains and returns that have nothing to do with the holidays. Drake’s “IDGAF” featuring Yeat returns to #61 in the stead of “You Broke My Heart”, which drops off from its debut last week, and then we have “Lose Control” by Teddy Swims gaining at #53. We then may as well bid adieu to the songs falling victim to the holiday plague this week, also known as our notable dropouts. They peaked in the top 40 or stayed in the UK Top 75, which is what I cover, for five weeks, but now they’re out, and they are: “Nice to meet you” by PinkPantheress featuring Central Cee, “Seven” by Jung Kook featuring Latto, “adore u” by Fred again.. and Obongjayar, “Desire” by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith, “What Was I Made For?” by Billie Eilish, “Daylight” by David Kushner, “Calm Down” by Rema, assisted by the remix with Selena Gomez, “Another Love” by Tom Odell and of course, “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers.

Now for the surge of festivities - I’ve already told you the three highest and that’s all I’ll tell you for now until they creep higher into the top five. As for now, as with all Christmas weeks, I’ll only mention the songs that are making it to the top 75 for the first time for this year’s round in this week, or songs reaching new peaks. In the first category, we see the grand returns of “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade at #70, “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano at #60, “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis at #58, “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday” by WIzzard at #55, “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber at #54, “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney at #52, “Sleigh Ride” by the Ronettes at #51, “Step into Christmas” by Elton John at #47, “Driving Home for Christmas” by Chris Rea at #46, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #45, “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by the late John Lennon and Yoko Ono with the Plastic Ono Band and the Harlem Community Choir at #44 - only time I’m saying that one, always a relief. The sooner we get to that mouthful, the better. We then continue with “Snowman” by Sia at #40 and “Merry Christmas” by Ed Sheeran and Elton John at #17, with the Amazon original tracks “Stay Another Day” by Jorja Smith and “You’re Christmas to Me” by Sam Ryder reaching new peaks of #38 and #23 respectively.

And whilst we’re here, if I covered the entire top 100, which I have an array of reasons why I don’t but they’re becoming increasingly irrelevant, I would still only be reviewing one song: “#skeptacore pt. 3” by Ryder and Skepta, a cute little wistful weightless grime remix of a Skepta track that I actually checked out when it was released a month or two ago.I’m holding out for it to stick past Christmas because it’s actually pretty brilliant. If it doesn’t end up in the top 75 in January, well... it got Best of the Week in absentia. Let’s review randomly-selected songs from the batch provided to me by viewers like you.

SUGGESTED REVIEWS

Suggestion #1

Like Santa pulls gifts from his sack, I pulled out two randomly-selected song suggestions from the 49 that I now have, except I excluded a certain suggestion submission because he… sorry, it’s anonymous. SOMEONE added like morbillion songs so I actually chose from 20, and then I chose from 19, because someone else suggested Travis Scott’s “FE!N” as if I hadn’t reviewed it before. Regardless, our first suggestion is “Like a River” by Frederico featuring Tiffany Aris. Frederico is a German producer hiring Brussels-based singer Tiffany Aris for a dance-pop effort and it’s pretty effective. It has a decent amount of melodrama with the unnecessary reverb and how it starts with an overwhelming level of synth suffocation, and it almost reminds me of 2013’s weird blend of folk and EDM given the heavy and sometimes pretty stripped use of acoustic guitars as the main melody in the verses, it reminds me of “Counting Stars” especially with the snaps and several dusty layers of acoustics that eventually propel into a pretty typical house beat, with cascading synths pushing in during the chorus. I respect how it goes for more of a house format instead of a build-drop EDM structure, so the song - however basic its lyrics - does ground its narrative a bit more effectively. Aris is a good singer and whilst the chorus does feel cluttered with the several attempts at a hook, which only gets worse when she starts doing vocal riffs and backing vocals eventually, she is surprisingly emotive throughout all of it. As a song, it’s functionally fine, but it’s also just not my thing, honestly. I can appreciate a lot of genres but this kind of phase-through-you dance-pop glut feels more fitting for an advert than being on Spotify as a full song, and I do think it runs out of steam by the end. Like I said, the chorus throws a lot of hook melodies at you, in a pretty rushed fashion, and we get a song that sacrifices its respect for catchiness. That wouldn’t be a problem if those hooks were more punctuated or really damn good, but what we have here just isn’t all too up to par. Sorry.

Suggestion #2

Our second suggestion is… a bit unorthodox. One joker suggested one song and one song only, “10 Hour Rain, Thunder, and Lightning | Deep Relaxation, Meditation, and Sleep”. The song I assume they meant by this, the highest search result on Spotify and only one I could find with that exact name, even down to the Oxford commas, is far from 10 hours. In fact, it’s five minutes and three seconds. Released in 2022 on the label Truefin Music, which seems to be one guy, who is the same guy the song is credited to. It may be by “10 Hour Deep Relaxation” but in reality it’s by a self-declared “music man” from Miami, Florida, who also goes by Bluefin Music online. He released his first single in 2018 under the name Tropical Punk, and it’s a cute little Spanish jam called “Mar y Sol” that whilst amateurly mixed as one would expect, is actually decently professional and very fun for what it is. I could see it as a theme song for a show about some groovy Hispanic surfers, I don’t know, it’s fun. He released a second song in 2019, “Dragonfly_summernight”, and it’s not great, it’s more ambitious than the last as well as being slower and in English, and it just doesn’t feel like a very natural fit. He could have usually found himself in this pop rock lane though. It sounds a bit like a local band rather than a singer-songwriter but with some refinement I can see a lot of appeal in this sound that’s informed by 80s soft rock cheese whilst still being relatively contemporary and with an… interesting vocal take. Hell, I actually really like the bridge and think it’s a pretty inspired little detour. So, naturally, after I found out that the 10 Hour Deep Relaxation guy was a failed two-song singer-songwriter, real name Gustavo Ordunez, it’s not doxing if it’s on Spotify, I checked his social media to see if there was any explanation to why he switched to the ambient stuff. So I looked through ALL of his Tweets. Or Xeets, I suppose.

We do get kind of a story here. In 2011, he Tweets that he made his account because he has a chance of winning $1000, and maybe that budget when to recording his two songs, who knows? He appears to have been romantically involved with one “jellsbells07”, whom he pretty consistently made loving posts towards, and called her the prettiest white girl he knew. On March 5th, 2012, he posted that she was a dick, and then a minute later, that she was the “most beautiful lady in all the lands”. In November, he got a new phone and by December, he was making passive-aggressive Tweets about a girl missing out on Italian food, and given some other Tweets at this time, they may have broken up, as in early 2013, he Tweeted that he was on the cusp of reanimation, went to strip clubs, and in April, Tweeted separately: “Man mode active” and “#thisbitch”.

He started being all profound in May of 2013 before the end of the month where, maybe they didn’t break up, maybe it was temporary, maybe all this time they were friends, who knows? Either way, he started Tweeting jellsbells again, notifying her that he was listening to 2Pac outside of a Starbucks, “#thuglife”. Then he started tracking his runs, which he does for like half a decade on Twitter. Interestingly enough, in October of 2013, he was still Tweeting his possible former lover jellsbells with stuff like “Real man breakfast” and how someone “don’t need no women”, which just seems like harassment at that point but I’m sure I’m missing some needed context and deleted or private replies. In November, he Tweeted possibly the best one liner of all time: “Don’t piss and text. #splashmountain”.

By December of 2013, he was defnitely dating jellsbells again because he was hornyposting on main, and we find that he is still in education during February of 2014. He was grinding at the gym this year, setting “impressive cardio records” and being generally appreciate of human anatomy, stating that “thumbs totally […] rock”. He gets a bit boring talking about his workouts and biceps in brief anecdotes, but on Christmas Day… he posts feet. To be clear, he actually just retweets an image someone else had posted showing three people, one of which is Ordunez, with varying levels of footwear. I don’t know which one is him, but there’s feet regardless.

He once again started to Tweet reclusive, fake-woke one-liners in 2015, ones that I’m sure he’d be embarrassed by now, as well as continuing to track his runs. In May of that year, he Tweeted, without context, “Lol irony”, and in June, “I care for you. I really do, I really do”. I hope jellsbells07 is okay.

That month, he went on a bunch of runs and listened to Paramore’s “Ain’t it Fun”, and he was actually really active during this time but I can’t lie, most of it is abstract and slightly insufferable non-Tweets that are half-poetic. In July, he Tweeted, “the microchip has been compromised” and in August, “I beats meats man”. These are not the only political posts I could find from our protagonist, he Tweeted against capitalism in September, but I just like the dichotomy. He touched a manatee in February of 2016 and continued to track his runs. That’s what he spent most of the year doing, he didn’t Tweet much that year so I assume it was an inward-looking year. He had some what appear to be post-breakup posts, retweeted Neil deGrasse Tyson and some posts criticising Donald Trump, but that kind of appears to be it.

It’s much of the same in 2017, with even less of a Twitter presence, the vast majority of it being tracking his runs through the same third-party app, which he probably forgot was still doing that. In December, however, he did Tweet that his big regret from 2011 was “not staying in school full-time”, which is… interesting, given that he’d been more outwardly depressive and political in the years before? In January of 2018, he was actually still quoting and tagging jellsbells, and this seems to align with a new brief period of activity early this year, with mostly very positive, wholesome Tweets about how he’s blessed and filled with love, posting a rare selfie in April and yes, still tracking his runs. Possibly my favourite Tweet from him is on May 1st, 2018, and it reads: “BOY DO I LOVE DOING STUFF FOR PEOPLE I LIKE”.

In June, however, he had another one of those semi-poetic, vaguely coherent breaking down moments, which came with a lot of Tweeting as well, some of which was oddly funny, like him quote-Tweeting a picture of a snake in a boot from a year prior, questioning why he’s thinking about it, but most of it just seems a bit sad, but by August, he says he was in bliss… and thanked Taco Bell for words of wisdom. In October, he retweeted Russell Brand. I think he knew. In November, he released his debut single.

He went on a bit of a Twitter break until January of 2019, wherein he got even more abstract, with a lot of motivational weirdness throughout that entire year, and by the entire year, I meant two years because he was doing this in 2020 as well. In fact, he took most of 2019 off - despite apparently playing a gig around 2018 and 2019 time, probably to do with his single release - and returned to Twitter in July of 2020. It got borderline conspiratory at times. In November, he started streaming on Twitch, but he doesn’t have any VODs so I couldn’t find anything of interest. It seems like he was doing some gaming but also just livestreaming his musical creative process, which is really cool. He streamed on Twitch pretty constantly during the last two months of 2020, but he hasn’t Tweeted since 2021 or liked anything since 2022. Truefin Music appears to be his brand, I think he’s from Cuba, he seems like a decent guy, I just genuinely have no idea why he made this pivot other than I guess the streaming money but he didn’t announce it anywhere. Maybe he’s kind of ashamed? I don’t know, maybe I would be too.

It’s beautiful but also a bit worrying that I have created this perspective of Ordunez. I don’t really know much about this guy, but I also feel like I know everything from this journey. I’ve just created a guy, a character. In my mind, he’s married to jellsbells07 and he still listens to 2Pac outside of a Starbucks, just now the clean version in his car with his one-year-old son in the passenger seat. Maybe he made the 10-hour meditation single to stop him from crying.

For the record, his relaxation release isn’t even great, it’s a stream-trolling, maybe even stolen ambient palette that isn’t really dynamic enough to feel effectively like ambiance. It’s honestly quite the opposite, at least to me, it’s a bunch of fuzz most of the time instead of being what it describes itself as, but from what I see on his Twitter, the man is honest to a fault and also somewhat pretentious, but willing to put himself out there. I’ve looked through all this man’s non-reply Tweets - maybe the replies could be a further episode - and the singles he made in the late 2010s make so much more sense to me than this 2022 pivot, and it’s pretty telling that he only released the one ambient track.

I would like to end this weird, unexpected way of handling this suggestion by reciting two consecutive Tweets made by Gustavo “10 Hour Deep Meditation” Ordunez in 2013 that particularly resonated with me, and I think will provide a great deal of closure to our story. Ahem…

“A little nonsense, now and then, is relished by the wisest men.” “You know what guys get for free? Handjobs. From ourselves.”

Thanks for everything, Gustavo.

Conclusion

Hopefully next week there’ll be people starting to clammer for that Christmas #1? Or you know, anything at all? But I can’t lie, these slow weeks where I can have a nap and wake up to doing a really simple, dry episode… kind of growing on me, man. If you read this, thanks? Rest in peace to Shane MacGowan, and I’ll see you next week.

[the1975attheirverybest]

No but honestly so much to process. I had a glass of wine with my lunch (I live in Europe so it's no that uncommon, ok?😂) to try and digest the whole thing. I do think he started this character thing to prove a point and for his art's sake but maybe it got a little out of hand and I don't why he realised it only recently but I do think he did some self reflection and this is the result, which I have to say I'm glad to hear. I was still a fan without the apology, I think he had proved who he really is even without it (of course people can still be hurt and offended by what he said and even not accept this apology, this is just my opinion) but he did even more by saying all of that.

Sorry for ranting

Hope you're having a lovely day 💕

Hahahahaha. Listen! It’s Friday! You’re allowed a little something with lunch. Especially on a day where Matty goes and pulls a sweet apology like that. How else are we supposed to deal!!!

No, I think you’re 100% right. It may have taken him this long to realize it because the reactions lately to his persona have been bigger than ever. With the recent success of the band, I think a lot more “non-fans” have been commenting on Matty, and like he said he didn’t realize how famous he is, hahahaha. He’s not used to that kind of attention on his every move.

I’m glad actually. Cuz maybe younger Matty wouldn’t have been able to handle this. The stuff he said in Australia about the difference between shame and guilt is appropriate here. Like, I’m glad he’s mature enough now to understand that it’s fine to make mistakes, it’s fine to feel bad about your mistakes, but you don’t have to spiral and hate yourself for it. Maybe if all this had happened a couple years ago, when he was a bit younger, he’d react differently. He’s taking it all in as maturely as possible and doing the right thing by being open about it. So, so happy for him. What a wonderful human he is 💗

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

Wow, it’s so refreshing to read your point of view about charts and bb and all that jazz, I always felt like I was such an outsider because I more or less share the same opinion. I didn’t know about bb & charts before getting into BTS years ago, though I’ve been a fan of some rock bands previously in my teenage years, mostly because I didn’t care and… I still don’t. I mean I’m glad if that makes the members happy, especially Jimin who’s my bias, but at the end of the day this whole thing seems to be manipulated in so many ways so.. what’s even the point. It all seems like a huge dick measuring contest too, I understand why it’s important for people but it just feels like a huge scam to me. And the idea of buying a song or an album multiple times just for the sake of making it top the charts is beyond me tbh, as much as I love the band every bits of my wage is precious to me, I can’t throw money out of the window for… this kind of clownery? Like, why? I’d rather spend it to see the boys performing (please make Suga come to Europe ffs) or eventually buy some cute merch. It’s intriguing to me to see how people are consuming music nowadays and how social media shapes their experience as a fan. It’s not so much about listening to the songs, watching the mv just for the love of it, getting yourself drown into this feeling when you just feel the music and you’re transported by it, now it seems like it’s a lot more about performance. Being a fan almost seems like a duty, a second job, you have to mass buy, stream, make this hashtag trend. It’s all a facade really… I personally can’t relate to this, and I think it would be nice if fans chill out a little bit, is it really just a competition? What are you getting out of this? We need to get back to the root of it all, aka music.

Hi, thanks! I agree with you, it's a dick measuring contest and charts have no actual meaning atp (if they ever had one). Joining twitter for BTS was kind of a mistake because it really made me aware of that performance aspect of the fandom. It's only gotten worse in chapter 2. I appreciate how fans' efforts have really made BTS what they are now, but the list of cons is a long one. Buying multiple albums or digitals is insane to me as well, because, like you said, every bit of my wage is precious. I'd rather give my mom the money than millionaires.

I disagree about how Army consumes music though. I believe Army listen to BTS and watch their MVs and performances for the love of it, but, at the same time, they'll do those things even if they don't like the songs. Army definitely loves BTS's music or try their best to enjoy it and understand their lyrics and messaging. Even if there's sadly no space to dislike or criticize a song, it's unfair to say they don't love and respect BTS's music.

Thanks for the ask!

[bradley-martin]

Heyy I'm reading your YOI fic "The Bachelors" and it is one of the most entertaining, amazing fics I have ever read!!

I love it so much, your characterisation is beautiful, the writing is brilliant and I love the plot!

I was hoping you might finish the fic? I've just finished the first chapter but I'm hooked and was sad to see you've only posted half of it. If you do choose not to finish it, could you please tell me what you had hoped for the rest of the plot? Like how you would have ended it?

Thank you, I love your work and am planning on reading all your fics on ao3 :))

💗💗💗💗💗💗

Okay, so I first saw this a couple months ago (I don’t know why I didn’t see it when you originally sent it, several months before that), and so I have no idea if you’ll ever see this. However, it did spiral me into a bit of an existential crisis about that fic and caused me to reread it. The thing is, I probably would’ve finished the fic if we ever got a season two, but considering that seems like it’ll never happen, I just don’t think I’d ever go back to it. (I do have half of a Leoji oneshot written that I might finish and post if I feel inspired whenever I end up rewatching the show, but that’s a different story)

Also — thanks for your kind words! The fic was a lot of work from both me and my co-author @florence--pugh so I’m glad it’s still being appreciated!

Spoilers for the rest of the fic under the cut.

Chapter 6

Location: Namale Island Resort (Fiji)

Group date: one of those offensive cultural appropriation-type dates that The Bachelor loves to do. Leo and Guang Hong have an almost kiss.

One-on-one date: Yuri and Otabek finally have their first one-on-one (as promised in ch5). They go snorkeling and mostly just hang out. Production is true to their word and just lets them have a nice, romantic time. Otabek gives Yuri some kind of cute, small gift. Yuri ends the date being completely convinced that Otabek only acts this way around him.

Eliminated: Chris

Chapter 7

This would have been a super long chapter

Location: Boston

One-one-one date: Phichit. It goes pretty well, and production basically makes Otabek give Phichit a (chaste) kiss at the end. Phichit doesn’t get the rose on the date because this is the episode before hometowns.

Group date: competitive group date! Sometime towards the end of the date (JJ and Yuri have been at each other’s throats the whole time) or at the cocktail party, JJ tells Yuri that Otabek only likes him sexually and tells him “sluts get cut”. Yuri punches JJ. Production makes Otabek go comfort JJ instead of talking to Yuri. Yuri is starting to panic. Leo gets the group date rose.

During the following day, production does interviews with all the contestants about what they would do if they were married to Otabek (because of his figure skating career and travel). Yuri overhears Phichit’s enthusiastic answer and freaks out. He learns about the kiss and extra freaks out.

The cocktail party is canceled!

Eliminated: Phichit

Yuri runs away in the middle of the night without telling anyone (literally). He gets a burner phone and gets Viktor’s help. Yuri is about to fly to LA to stay in Viktor’s LA home (Viktor and Yuuri are currently hanging out in Europe on vacation). Otabek shows up at the airport and they have a rom com-esque scene where Otabek confesses that he’s in love with Yuri. Yuri still would have left, but Otabek doesn’t try to convince him not to leave; rather, he says that he’ll go with Yuri. Yuri agrees, and they fly off to LA. Viktor’s driver is there and takes them to Viktor’s LA house. They basically just hang out there and have a lot of sex (offscreen) and hide Viktor’s Grammy’s. At some point the next day, Yuri realizes that they have to go back because it’s better for Otabek’s career and he doesn’t want him to face legal repercussions. Otabek reluctantly agrees. They tell Sara and Mila where they are, and they spend another day hanging out in Viktor’s house having a great time.

Back at the house, no one knows what’s happening, but they get told that Otabek and Yuri had to fly out early for Yuri’s hometown date (since they do go to Moscow). In fact, Yuri and Otabek do end up leaving from LA.

Chapter 8

Hometowns!

Yuri: Moscow — Otabek meets Yuri’s grandfather and they all have a great time. Obviously it’s the most home-ish for both of them.

Leo: Seattle (music)

Guang Hong (visual arts/culture)

JJ: Quebec

Basically, while Otabek and Yuri are in Moscow, there would be a big chunk of the chapter following Leo and Guang Hong sneaking out of their hotel and hanging out in Seattle (where they both live). They have a ‘friend’ date and do something like roller skating. They exchange numbers. There’s a cliche thing where Leo’s dog loves Guang Hong way more than Otabek. While they’re out, they get attacked by a couple members of Guang Hong’s extended family. No serious injuries or anything (Guang Hong fights back and wins) but some drama ensues. Basically, Guang Hong ends up thinking that Leo should hate him.

Eliminated: Guang Hong

Leo basically has a complete, sobbing breakdown on camera because Guang Hong is gone, but, no, he does not yet realize he’s in love with him.

Chapter 9

Fantasy Suite Week!

Location: Niagara Falls, Canada (the producers make snarky comments about how they had to reschedule their final location from some cool international destination to Canada because they blew their travel budget on Yuri’s hometown/they didn’t expect Yuri to stick around this long)

Otabek makes it very clear on camera that he is not planning to have sex during his fantasy suites, mostly so that no one can make comments about Leo losing his virginity.

Leo — Sara tells Leo he has to finally confess his love for Otabek if he wants to stick around. This spirals Leo into an existential crisis about whether or not he actually does have feelings for Otabek. They go ice skating, and Leo is just happy that he doesn’t have to go near to the Falls. Leo realizes that Otabek has no romantic feelings for him, which helps him realize that he also doesn’t feel that way about Otabek. Once they’re off camera on their overnight date, they basically spend the whole time being friends and chatting about how great Guang Hong and Yuri are.

JJ — Helicopter ride. Otabek eliminates him before the fantasy suite.

Yuri —They go on an ice wine tour. Yuri finally confesses his love for Otabek on camera. They’re both very cute and happy and have their fantasy suite date.

The chapter cuts over to Guang Hong, now back home in Seattle, as he watches episode 8 airing live. He sees Leo sobbing when he leaves.

Chapter 10

Finale!

Otabek officially breaks it off with Leo before they can even get to the final day (so Leo never has to pretend they’re going to get engaged). Leo runs back to Seattle as quickly as possible and goes to the accounting firm Guang Hong works at. All of his work friends are delighted and giggling and embarrassing. Leo and Guang Hong leave and go walk around. Leo confesses that he’s realized he’s in love with Guang Hong. Guang Hong, of course, reciprocates, and they get together officially.

Meanwhile, back on the show, Otabek and Yuri consider leaving again, but then do the traditional proposal speeches and stuff for TV. Yuri pretends to hate it but they both really do get swept up in the romance of it all. They officially get engaged.

In the intervening months, Otabek and Yuri have already gotten married. Otabek gets Yuri roses a lot and Yuri pretends to hate it. The fic would end with them sitting around ready to watch the next season.

[time-gear]

Goodbye 2022, Hello 2023

Helloooo!! I don't really write journals and blog posts anymore, but I’d like to try and change that! At least a yearly one for art stuff since it’s nice to be able to set some goals and they’re kinda fun to look back on. Also I’ve been overly mysterious and closed off online and I feel like I come off kind of cold because of it sometimes. I miss connecting with people over shared interests like I once did before adulthood happened. Giant post under the cut!

Before we get onto art stuff, I kinda wanna touch on some personal stuff. 2022 was so chaotic for me. I got to visit Latvia, Estonia and Lithuania. (all very last second with the planning LOL) Those were the trips of a lifetime, my brain will never be the same. (in a “i found myself in europe” kind of way) I went to arizona to see my partner’s family again after 4 years of not seeing them because of covid and jobs and all that fun stuff. Yeah I’ve been on 14 airplanes in the past 6 months I’m done with traveling for a while I hope xD Also had a really amazing time with some long time friends that I never thought I’d meet in person, but here we are! I have anxiety issues, but I unknowingly did a lot to help myself this year and I didn’t realize that until I was looking back on everything recently. There were some other things earlier in the year too but those are boring/personal but were still a lot. I’m exhausted, but not for negative reasons.

Since covid restrictions lessened, my dayjob became much less busy. I was also able to go on actual vacation and It gave me some time to think about life and what it means to me. Do I care about money enough to grind like this? Can’t buy a house so, if I can pay my bills and save a little bit each month, that's enough for me. Maybe the antiwork reddit posts helped me on my way a little too LOL. Anyways the tl;dr is that the cost of owning and maintaining a second car was basically using up all the money I was making at work. I was able to quit, sell a car and take some commissions and the profit margin remained the same. It’s.. kinda sad. I’m mad at my old employer for dicking me around with small ass raises and stressing me out so much for no… reason…………….. Haha…………. He took good care of me (aside from the money thing) and taught me so many things that will be relevant for the rest of my life, but I’m glad I’m not managing 4 fast food stores anymore. I quit on super good terms and I got free pizza for life. Also I don’t have to listen to stupid ass customers yell at me over fucking pizzas anymore!! Yay!!

All that being said, I’m shifting my focus to art now. I’m in a way better mental state and I have a lot of support from my partner so I’m not worried about burning out again. I’m already pretty pleased with the fact that I’m actually improving again! I guess I just needed time to consistently work hard, instead of always being exhausted from a dead end dayjob. Also gotta shout out the people who pick me up and encourage me when it comes to art, you know who you are <3

Moving on from that, I want to talk about more art stuff! The first thing I wanted to say is that I’m DEFINITELY going to be streaming again. I got way too busy around the holidays so I haven’t streamed in a couple of months, but I’m gonna be doing that regularly again this week or next week. So many people have asked when I’ll stream again and that I helped get them through their work day????? Like DAMN you guys I’ll cry. I’m so glad y’all like my company, the feeling is definitely mutual. <3 Like I mentioned, I am a pretty anxious person so it’s gonna be hard for me to stick to a schedule. It’l be during weekdays around 1pm EST like it has been, just I’ll be doing it on random days to spare myself the worrying. Also sometimes I take NSFW work and that is not allowed on twitch, so yeah |D

Another thing I’ll definitely be sorting out this year is a discord server. I spent a lot of time thinking about this and talking to some of my friends who have one and I think it would be fun. My only worry is my inability to consistently check discord, so I’d need mods or to just pray nothing fucked up happens in there while I’m not looking :’D I’ve seen too much dark and questionable stuff happen in small, niche discord servers and public chatrooms. I’m terrified of fostering that kind of environment but I’m aware that isn’t likely to happen bc I think the people who follow me are pretty… normal? If anyone has any advice I am all ears! The point of the server would be to have a feed channel and some premium channels with extra goodies every month. (I’d connect it to my twitch subs. You guys deserve some extra snacks) Maybe some people wanna be pinged when I open for commissions I don’t know! It seems everyone has one these days and I want to try it. Any premium content will be hosted on my website PWYW style as well. This way if people wanna support me they can, but also you can download my silly little sketches for free if you don’t want to give anything. There would be other stuff but that’s the gist of it.

Lastly, I am officially open for commissions. You can find all that information on my website here: https://timegear.ink/commissions/ I have an empty slate right now so the turnaround should be pretty fast.

I guess that’s pretty much all I wanted to talk about? Thanks for reading my silly little rambles if you made it all the way through. <3 Here’s to a fun and productive 2023!

[ihatebnha]

Your reply is great and I agree; I was talking about fanfic though it does happen in published work too yup! It's more egregious depending on how "nonhuman" said "monster" is or if they face/d any large for discrimination as opposed to just stereotypes. It's also peculiar as there is a tendency in fiction to make fantasy/sci Fi races really homogenized (such as elves or orcs strictly adhering to one culture). Some fics/stories circumvent this with terms like monster hater or just saying hateful.

I’m glad to hear you understood what I was going for!!! I agree w/ this too, about how… there’s definitely a scale of depiction that really helps dictate what is a kind of a weird exploration and what is just… lacking detail and/or proper terms. And a lot of the time too, I feel like… you can really tell who is trying to create a world that relates to others, and who is doing it in such a way that’s distinctly… harmful or gross (like when a POC creator explores this topic or it’s very well researched vs. when someone goes into it blind and very quickly or even w/ hostility). It’s noticeable who puts care into the subject even if it’s not always perfect.

Also, I spoke to my mom about the homogeneous races thing… and she explained to me that Lord of the Rings (acting here as one of the first, really popularized fantasy series) is actually a comment on discrimination and segregation during WWII… which I can’t really speak on fully, but sorta relates to what I was initially going to reply w/, about how fantasy is often extremely… European, and Europe (or even Asia or Africa) has very different cultural structures than America…

Which could be considered one facet of why there’s more depiction of singular, homogenous cultures in the genre (and aspects of the genre, such as these mythical races)… because that’s where it was invented and is the place that’s being… commented on.

(That’s kinda complex tho so imma just leave it at that so I don’t end up talking about something I don’t fully understand.)

But it’s interesting to think about… because as my mom also said… this whole convo really goes to show how diversity (esp. when considering the way cultures mesh) is such a relatively new conversation that it has yet to affect a lot of fiction. Like, we really haven’t explored fantasy in ways that break the traditional mold that we are so familiar with and that we talk about here.

It does make me glad to be American, though… and also… happy that we can chat about it in this way! It’s a really complex subject to say the least LOOOL💜

[thessalian]

Thess vs the ECHR

So liveblogging aside, today went entirely to shit. Politically, I mean.

Some of you may be aware that our government’s answer to ‘illegal immigrants’ (or, as they should be known, asylum-seekers, but that doesn’t win them votes) is to ship them to Rwanda. Of course, few people knew until fairly recently that this was a reciprocal deal they worked out with Rwanda where we sent them some of our ‘undesirables’ and they sent us some of theirs. Bad enough, honestly. but there are some other issues. Like, a lot of issues. And yes, that’s aside from the sheer fucking cruelty of it.

Like the fact that despite only seven people were due to be flown out tonight (more on that phrasing in a minute), and the flight would cost £500k, Liz Truss is still saying that it’s “value for money”.

Like the fact that the Tories are saying that ‘lawyers fighting for someone’s rights’ are ‘lefty lawyers trying to put criminals on your streets’.

And, worst of all ... the European Court of Human Rights. Which we still belong to, because we’re geographically in Europe even if we really screwed the pooch with Brexit. We don’t have to belong to it - Russia used to belong to the ECHR, but they were suspended and then left on their own so they could do whatever they want to their own populace.

See, the thing is, the ECHR is doing the right thing. It’s stepped in at the last minute to try to keep those seven asylum-seekers from being deported to Rwanda, because there is no way this is legal under the European Court of Human Rights. Now, we did have some local judges say as how we should just send them to Rwanda and then try to bring them back if it was later proved that their case for staying was legitimate, but that was honestly just stupidity.

What was not, however, was the comments from Boris Johnson suggesting that he’d be more than happy to leave the European Court of Human Rights if they kept getting in his way in regards to sending asylum-seekers to Rwanda.

Now, I’ve been dreading this for a long time, because of our Human Rights Act. We ... don’t officially have one, exactly? We have one that we cribbed from the ECHR. And if we leave the ECHR ... then the Tories will be able to write the new Human Rights Act however the fuck they want. I am ... so not looking forward to the next little while if that happens.

Tried to have a conversation with Sunshine at work about this, since the topic kind of came up, but I didn’t get far. She looked honestly bewildered and I was trying to explain that they’ve already watered down our right to protest with the Police, Crime, Sentencing, and Courts Bill, but she just went, “No, see, I’m glad about that. People should be allowed to protest, but blocking traffic is just not on; it just inconveniences people!” And I agreed with her to a point, but there does come a time when you have to make a statement, and bills like that can be abused so easily.

But no, she just kept going on about the inconvenience, even when I said, “I agree with you but that’s just one small group of people not thinking their protests through and that shouldn’t give the police the power to shut down any protest they want for any reason they choose”. Honestly, I don’t think she cares so long as this doesn’t affect her in any way.

I, however, am terrified and enraged. Our rights were already being watered down - voter ID, heavily reduced right to protest, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Without the ECHR, with a government that really does seem to believe that we ‘peons’ should just shut up and take whatever nastiness they throw at us ... It’s just ... legit terrifying.

The worst part? This is just trying to distract at least some attention from a) Johnson’s making a mess as he insists on tearing up the Northern Ireland Protocol in ‘a limited and specific way’ ... and Nicola Sturgeon working towards Scottish independence. The entire damn country is a mess and we’re tripping over the government’s dead cats and eventually we’re going to die of whatever plague breeds in one or all of them.

I did not sign up for this shit.

[suuho]

i’m so deeply in crezl hell, i’ve been watching unsubbed phantom singer content and translating shit with my rudimentary ass korean and a translator to understand more than just the gist of things. i need these men to tour europe expeditiously, and i don’t care when, but the sooner the better. i would campaign and rally for a single concert myself. like, i am still kind of miffed that jinho even had to go on phantom singer, because in an ideal world pentagon should have been too busy to make any of them even consider a survival show, but i’m so glad it had this outcome. because all jinho has ever wanted is to sing, and cube wouldn’t allow him that to the extent that he wanted, so now he has crezl, and he can do a lot of different stuff with them! totally different stuff than he does for pentagon! arguably way more challenging stuff as well, with a completely different purpose, and it allows him to simply exist as a singer in a group of equally talented vocalists. also, their group dynamic is so cute. i’m fucking obsessed with how they made the most anxiety-riddled guy their leader, and now they all take care of him. i really hope we can get a full album from them soon.

[ahmumbles]

Check-in from Nam

Hey, it’s me. Or you. We both know who this is.

It’s been a while... it’s been a long, long while since I’ve spoken to you like this. I used to write so much in Barcelona, especially in the beginning years, and now it’s been several years since then, since I’ve gotten lost in life’s tornado and haven’t been able to keep up with myself. Sometimes enjoying and just being, sometimes so swept away with to-do lists and organizing and endless bullet points in my notes app- organizing, decluttering, rearranging, figuring out, settling down, getting back up, moving, wondering, thinking, sighing, zoning out

Today it is April 11, 2023. 

I am currently in Hanoi, Vietnam. It’s been about 8 months since I’ve moved here. 

26 was a year of Atlanta (and working at my parent’s place and struggling with old, way-too-familiar family pains, hating working, seeing old faces, being home) with a gap in Europe (revisiting my second home of Barcelona, housesitting with Tom in stunning Lake Como, celebrating Claire’s birthday in Bosnia, staying at Laurine’s in London and Steph visiting, a wild Berlin adventure with the boys).

27 was moving with hopes, curiosity, culture shock, learning, absorbing, and loneliness. So much, so much loneliness. Feeling like 22 again when I first moved to Barcelona. Without the escape of a beach, without the freedom of breezy night walks, without sun-kissed smiling beautiful people everywhere, without looking up at the architecture in awe, without the bustling youth and energy. Hanoi has been quite the experience. I’ve undoubtedly learned so many new things- how to ride a motorbike, living by myself for the first time, teaching at a public school, Vietnamese culture, breaking out for the first time in my life, the effects of pollution, realizing that the glitz n glamour of a developing country is not what I had imagined. In many ways, it has drained me. But in other ways, it has solidified for me what I want, like, tolerate, and anticipate. The people I want to be around. The environments I feel comfortable in. Boundaries. Self-awareness. It has taught me a lot in those fields. I feel... older. I really do. I feel (and look) like I’m in my late 20s. Like all those years of reckless behavior and confused thoughts, although still not completely gone, have definitely subsided as I’ve gotten to understand myself better.

My energy has calmed down a lot. I no longer, truly no longer, have the energy to put up with many new faces. New personalities and same conversations about useless shit I don’t give a fuck about. And although I am leaving, I’m glad that I’ve given this place a try. I now realize that I should visit a city before packing up all my shit and moving there (ha). I also realize that at this moment in my life, in my final 20s, I don’t want to struggle anymore. I do eventually want to settle, and so during these final years, I want to cherish my life in places that inspire me, motivate me, and keep me evolving in the most positive way. I don’t have the time nor the patience to ‘just go along with it a bit more’ or ‘see where it goes’. I feel a lot more confident in decision-making, something that I so lacked in my earlier years. I’m glad I can say this about myself, because I don’t think I could’ve just a few years back.

Although I am realizing there are some things I do genuinely enjoy: skating on a smooth wide ground, making ceramics n all the endless ideas of trinkets for home decor, tattooing a sick design I really love, a fucking good book I can’t put down, a movie that slams your heart, actually good clean coffee, going to the cinema alone with butter popcorn, traveling to a new city (alone or with someone I love), seeing landscapes that make me feel so small and insignificant,

I haven’t had the.., no I’ve had the time, just not the motivation to really pursue these loves of mine this (almost) past year (or more). I think because I’ve decided that this place isn’t for me, I’ve kind of just given up on doing anything about it until I leave. Sometimes I wonder if Haerin is right, if I just keep running away from things, or, on the flip-side, I just chase what I want and won’t put up with something I no longer care for.

Some things on my mind though, that’s actually what prompted me to start this post, are the following:

- I am, and have always been, so good at being alone. Being alone, doing nothing. Lockdown in 2020 obviously came with its difficulties, but it was also one of the only times in my entire life that I was able to be still. And I love being still. Just like in Lake Como. I need these moments of just being still, not thinking, not watching anything, not even sleeping, just moments to be blank and I feel those moments recharge me more than any activity ever could.

- I am also still my own torturer. I love hating myself. I love criticizing myself. And I still love overthinking things. To be fair, I have numbed out a lot, maybe since I moved to Hanoi, but I still get these waves of emptiness and sadness, with such intensity, but it doesn’t even bother me anymore. I’ve realized that that side of me is just part of me, and I’m working on not getting rid it, but of accepting it and learning how to work with it. I think that breakdown on shrooms when I had Covid in Atlanta after Cancun in August 2022 was what I needed for a very long time. I cried more than I had in many years combined. Rivers of sadness, mostly stemming from my family, mostly about my brother, just pouring out of me, shriveling me up. I needed that. It broke me.

- I’m learning about love. Aran was my first boyfriend, my first everything, the one who spoiled me silly and made me feel butterflies and a perfect introduction to relationships as I started my 20s. Ferran was my bridge between being a young girl to a maturing woman and my best friend, made me laugh more than anyone, especially in the beginning, but also showed me what I don’t want in any future relationships, especially towards the end. Tom was the unexpected curveball that’s taught me the messiness of ‘relationships’, non-labeling labels, a comfort space that I pried open and snuggled myself into, the calm, level-headed situationship that I started to feel myself maturing in and making me question what it is I want in love and who I want to love and how I can love someone the best I can. A rooted yet emotional person that’s taught me about communication which has been one of my biggest downfalls throughout my entire life.

- I don’t know where I am at life at the moment. I’m 27, 28 in a few months, and although I’ve been enjoying that each year in my 20s have counted for something and that age is just a number, especially nowadays, for some reason 30 still scares the absolute shit out of me. It looks old. It sounds old. It feels heavy. I’m not ready to approach it. I feel a giant weight that I need to start providing for my parents soon, finally, after all their years of slaving away. I want to help my mom, so much, it feels like my heart is physically breaking when I think about her aging and still working and her body breaking down and me being across the country. Their house got broken into recently and they took all her bags, cash, gold, and most importantly- the hand-me-down jewelry she’s been saving to give to me since I was young. Always reminding me that she’ll give me this necklace and this pair of earrings in a few years. Just a bit more. And some bastards took all of that away from a woman that never splurged on herself. That never cared for herself the way she’s always deserved to be cared for, since her birth.

- I don���t know how I’m going to provide for my parents. I don’t know how I’m going to buy a house, buy furniture, buy kitchen appliances, buy a car or bike, grow my savings, start a retirement fund, or any of that adult shit when I don’t even know if I want to be a teacher anymore. I’ve been so drained with teaching, especially after a long-break of working at my parent’s place in between, and the middle schoolers in Hanoi have been a nightmare for me. Enough to make me start to hate teaching. To feel like it’s useless. I don’t feel respected, I don’t feel inspired, I don’t feel patient, loving, empathetic, accepting, or any of those magical emotions that I felt before and thought I’d always feel when it came to teaching. This might be the first time in my life since I was young that I’ve really started to question my career choice. And it’s not good for someone like me who has always prided herself in being rock-solid in this aspect of my life.

- I’m definitely coming to deeper terms with what friendship means to me. My Atlanta girls are still and probably, hopefully, will always be my roots. Haerin, Stephanie, Chanell, Julie. Even Jaehee and Christine and Joanna. My Barcelona friends have definitely floated away a bit- Jess, Claire, Leo, Dan, Laurine, Liam, but they still hold a special place in my heart and I know we will always cherish each other whenever we do reunite. But I’m realizing that these friends I have, they’re enough. I don’t really want anymore. I don’t want to go through the hassle of making new friends in each new city I move to, but I know that I have to, because I am still human. And as stubborn and detached as I can be, I know that sometimes loneliness aches me to the core and I lose sight of joy, laughter, acceptance, and a feeling of warmth.

- I hope Japan works out, and I don’t expect that my life will drastically change where I’m all of a sudden happy and full of spirit. But I hope that I am inspired in a bigger city, that even if I am alone, at least I am in the #1 country that sees beauty in being alone, and I know that I will evolve even more there. In its own inevitable way.

These are a few things that’s been on my mind, in the most condensed way possible. Skipping so many single moments that have weighed heavy on me up to this point. But I guess that’s life. Every day, every moment, may feel so big, but time never stops, and eventually it’s been a week, then two, then a few months, and when you look back, some of those moments are just flashbacks in your mind, and you forget. You block it out. Your other moments over power those moments.

Well Ange, I want you to know that the Ange right now, in this moment, is feeling lonely. Feeling sad about Tom. Feeling disheartened with teaching. Feeling sorry for myself. But also in its own way, enjoying this time alone. She’s feeling confused. She’s continuing with her weekly lists, finishing them one by one, making new ones, never-ending hamster ball of her brain... feeling like having control of the little things in her life will make her feel like life is okay. And I’m not so sure it is.