#I’m gonna be out of a med by then anyway
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There’s always some sorta fuckin scheduling complication lol
#my last final is 12/6. last day u can be in the dorms is 12/9 and I’m working @ graduation that day#also wanting to go to a music festival that night after work. which is near school + my partner so I want 2 spend the night w them#so do I move out 12/7 or 12/8 and then drive right back or do I keep all my stuff in my car overnight in a parking garage (cold)#(items that can be damaged by cold)#+ my at-home job’s holiday party is 12/10. so after spending the night w them I would have to drive back that day which is fine#except what if it snows + I woulda been able 2 spend more time w them#also have a class that has its first meeting all day 12/11 lol#AND there’s another show I want to go to on 12/12 if it doesn’t snow#so like. rly the only thing I need to figure out is when to drive my stuff home + when to drive back for graduation but. issa lot ig#also this is unrelated to any of that but I realized my next dr appt is my second day of classes next semester#I need those appointments to get my meds and it takes 6 months to get one so I guess I’m missing class that day lol#even if I could reschedule. I’ll be working M-Th 9-5ish next semester and have class F 9-1 so that doesn’t leave much time on weekdays#I’m gonna be out of a med by then anyway#mine#txt#personal
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i’m so overwhelmed by things that shouldn’t be overwhelming...
#among them‚ i’ve fallen behind on drscula dauly for the first time this year and it’s stressing me out cuz i really really wanted to keep up#this year that was the one goal i had for the year is keep up with it. last year i fell way behind when my brother died and it was so hard#catching up and the entry on the 30th was a little longer than they’ve been recently and i’ve been busy and also slipping back into depressi#on real bad and i’m just not in the mood for it and i feel like it’s just gonna snowball#and this is such a non issue. it’s a book. that i’ve read before. but still it’s just stressing me out. among other things#like library books that are overdue and i haven’t finished or journal entries i want to write or a letter i’ve been wanting so badly to writ#e and a short story idea that i wanted to write down but is escaping me and fucking. tumblr notifications#these are non issues!!! but it feels like there’s a timer for the world to end again all the same.#ugh#and i should be able to focus on one thing and get it done! these things shouldn’t be hard! they’re even meant to be enjoyable! but i can’t#get myself to do anything lately#and on top of all that i’m not able to fall asleep even with my sleep meds.#what even ever‚‚‚#anyway sorry for the rant i’m basically fine
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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So I think I’m gonna have to get rid of my dog bc idk what to do with him bc he tears up everything, even if I leave him alone for like 20 minutes and every time I leave he pisses or shits in the house, even if I take him out before I leave, and then I started my new job today and I thought he’d do decent but no, I came home and my entire place is tore to hell, and idk where tf to even take him or anything but I can’t do this every damn day
#and as of right now I can’t afford to get him those expensive ass anxiety meds#I don’t even get paid for 2 weeks and I’m here trying to figure out how I’m gonna pay for gas to get to work tm#and today I even gave him puppy pads and everything#but he tore those up too and pissed and shit all over the furniture#and when I say he tore everything up I mean everything#I even bought him new toys to play with while I was gone so he wouldn’t be bored but he didn’t even touch those#he literally ransacked my kitchen#knocked everything off the counters dug out all the trash and threw it everywhere got into the drawers#there’s a coffee grounds every where bc he tore up an entire new bag of coffee I bought yesterday#idk wtf to do#bc I can’t just keep him in the crate for 8-9 hours a day#and even if I did try that#he always breaks out of his crate anyways
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Took twice the max dose of melatonin before the final revision for tomorrow’s exam, I’m shitting my pants and I genuinely don’t know anything as thoroughly as I should but if I sleep less than 4 hrs before it I just know I’m gonna do even worse somehow
#don’t take twice the max dose of anything btw#genuinely don’t do the shit that I do#i only did it bc I know my limits and haven’t had any other substances in over 24 hrs but don’t ever try it#always talk to your gp before taking any meds and supplements at all#anyway psa aside#I want to revise for two hrs so until 1.30am circa but I genuinely hope I pass out sometime in the next hours and a half#godspeed ig#uni#melatonin#I have super high expectations but I genuinely prepared this exam in like 4 days and my brain has been all over the place#haven’t had the chance (economic too so please please consider sparing a couple of bucks for my ko-fi?) to meet my therapist in 2 weeks#been super suicidal super busy dealing with stuff and people and my family and uni and ah oh how I wish I had a brain able to focus#also the ‘visions of horror’ as I call them have lowkey turned into auditory hallucinations that never stop and it’s… tough#genuinely so tired of everything in general#I’d promised to hang with my uni friends after the exam bc I should be done my midday tops but I know im gonna be super sad and underwhelme#so I hope I can be at home by 4 pm tops with one excuse or the other#I love them all so much but I need a break. also bc I got another exam in less than a fucking week and I still haven’t started studying for#it because it’s objectively easier than tomorrow’s and because when was I supposed to study for it#I spent 3 good days working on a paper that isn’t even mine for a subject I don’t even take#a favor for a friend which turned into 3 more friends asking me if I could help them with theirs#and you know me#I never say no. unfortunately. but also I’m super glad they want my help bc they know I can write at least (one good thing)#but. that’s still -3 days available#then. the demons#wasted so many hours just pacing and biting my nails raw and being pathetic#so yeah. in a little under 15 hrs I want to be in bed again. resting until the 19th when the cycle will begin anew#also math ain’t mathing. my exam is in 12 hrs only now 13.
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having a normal one over here
#i think the meds overcorrected#i cannot sleep and i am bubbling with Emotions#can i tell what most of them are? No#but there’s a lot of them#and they’re not actually super shitty??#they’d be nice if they could just dial it down a notch#also this isn’t vague posting to be clear i’m not having Emotions because anything happened#this is run-of-the-mill confusion posting#kinda nervous for the comedown after these like. several consecutive pretty great days in a row???#other than the late night panic attacks i was giving myself by reading the news#my doctor literally made me go into my settings and turn off notifs for my news apps#while telling me ‘at least you’re self aware’#(bc i knew it was the news fucking me up i just wasn’t Allowed to turn off notifs)#anyway i’ve gone on a tangent#tumblr is back to being my journal#which means i’m gonna get like. at least 3x more annoying with my posting.#anyway i’m also thinking about Women but like. what’s new right?#also it’s Pride Month if there was ever a time to be gay over women it is NOW#someone’s gonna have to talk me out of dating apps again soon#(i hate dating apps and i don’t even want to date)#(but like maybe there are other cool queer people who wanna have queer movie nights and be casually gay together)#(you never know unless you try!)#anyway i’m not gonna be embarrassed for those tags bc if you’ve read this far that’s on you#personal
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.
#i think this is just my irritability from my meds#so i’m putting my rant down in the tags#im going to delete this later but i just needed to get this out bc i’ve seen it quite a few times now#but if i see one more fuckin person say something along the lines of ‘stop drawing the iterators/slugcats in this way because it’s boring#or wrong or doesn’t match up with MY HEADCANON’#im gonna fucking lose it. if you want to see slugcats or iterators drawn how YOU like them. why don’t YOU draw them. or YOU pay other#artists you draw them for you?#the fact that some people are so god damn entitled to fanworks that passionate people are making FOR FREE#this isn’t about any of my followers or anything and i block people who say shit like that on sight but for real.#your interpretations of characters and designs are not the end all be all. i interpret sigs shape language as pointy! a lot of the fandom#sees her as square! you know what i DONT do? make posts about how artists should stop drawing him square#you know what i DO do? draw her pointy MYSELF!#i’ll delete this later bc it really doesn’t matter and it’s NOT directed at any of my followers or moots it’s just a general thing ive seen#you do realize that most of what we have to go off of are 10 pixel tall muppets right.#going crazy stupid with designs is FUN! im beginning to think some of y’all take this shit WAY too seriously lmao#anyways.
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I SCHEDULED A PSYCHIATRIST APPOINTMENT 🧘♀️🌈✨🌱💫🌊
#JOY TO THE WORLD#I am still very scared. and I had to talk to a call center guy which sucked#but yayyyyy#it’s so soon too! like a week from now#hope it goes well#I wrote that I just wanted to talk about ADHD meds buuuut that’s only bc my therapist from high school thought I had ADHD#and she was the one who recommended this place. and my mom is also very convinced that we BOTH have it#which like. idk if that’s true 😭 I honestly do NOT think I have ADHD#I really just want to talk about OCD bc I think an actual diagnosis would make me feel less insane. also maybe meds. might help lol#or whatever else they can diangose me with idc just tell me what the problem is PLEASE 🙏#anyway. I’m gonna go get fried rice from the mall food court and then go fill out all this paperwork#ellyposting
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i put in my notice at my one job i don’t like, i big chopped my hair, i put in for two weekdays off at the beginning of april, and my schedule is predictable and consistent enough for me to start having a regular sleep schedule for the first time in *checks watch* almost three years. i’m gonna be okay.
#AND the one hospital i’m gonna keep working at JUST got their computer systems back up after being completely offline for almost two months#so i can finally enjoy that one again!#but anyway i’m soooo glad i finally cut my hair again#bc we saw love lies bleeding last weekend (‘i should cut my hair and start working out again’)#and then watched game night a couple days later (‘yeah short hair would be cute with my leather jacket’)#anyway v excited to finally start taking care of myself lollllll#oh also benefits are on track to kick in at my main job so countdown to health insurance babey!!!!!#i’ve needed to up the dosage on my meds for three years!
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my partner broke up with me last night and the first thing my mom asked was if it’s because he wanted to be with a “boy boy”
#anyway i’m so fucking normal. i’m so fucking normal#we’re actually going to still be friends but it’s still kind of shit#because it’s not fun to get broken up with. if you can believe it#he just didn’t like me that way anymore which. to each their own#(i fucking said that out loud he said ‘‘i still like spending time with you i just don’t like holding you anymore’’#and i said ‘‘well to each their own!!’’)#(because i am insane and strange. and because he broke up with me after i took my fucking sleep meds)#but anyway i’m being so normal about it. but my mom calling me to comfort me did not fucking work#when her first question is ‘‘oh it’s because you’re trans right?? cause nobody loves you’’#but whatever. he was SO good at breaking up with me so whatEVER#he was nice about it. and you can’t force somebody to be attracted to you and it’s not like it’s better to be in a doomed relationship#and i’m not here to vent. well like i am a little bit but just about my mom shdhdf#i don’t know. think i’m gonna sleep for a while now maybe!! but text me if you need anything#me. my post. mine.#delete later#friends only#vent cw#transphobia cw#?#like if read
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i’m feeling weirdly heartbroken over shucked closing tomorrow
#maybe it’s that it’s late & i’ve not yet taken my meds#but i am so sad that shucked is closing tomorrow#i love this corny little musical and it was an honor to get to see it twice#but it was just such a joy & im gonna miss it#broadway truly was better because of shucked & its cast#and i’m just gonna miss it i guess#at least i may get to see it in london next year#i really hope that works out#anyway#shucked i love you & thank you for making me face my fears/showing me how brave i can be/bringing so much joy to my life#corn & love (in song form) 🌽#not kpop
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want to write today….let’s see how much i actually get done.
#idk if it’s the medication i’m on or WHAT. perhaps i need to switch back to vyvanse…..#i already took my adhd meds this morning so i can’t do anything else :/#anyway. gonna lock myself out of tumblr (hopefully) for most of the day. but if you see me…….no you don’t.
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I just want to get blasted, either out of my mind or into the sun, I’m not picky
#not me looking into the shitty guidelines for getting approved for medical marijuana in arkansas#yeeeaaaah looks like the process is ridiculously convoluted and pricey so nah#but missouri is just a few hours away so who knows#I hate weed for real. I mean it’s cool but I’ve had some bad experiences#but my anxiety is getting pretty rough and it would just be nice if I could turn my brains to mush every once in awhile#whenever my hearing gets bad I start freaking out and panicking and feeling sick. it suuuuuuucks.#anyway I have about 10 ‘emergency’ klonopin left which I don’t like taking bc I’m a hoarder and hate wasting stuff#like in video games when you stockpile potions but never use them#plus that shit can be addictive and I’m not a fan of that idea#tbh tho I diiiid take one earlier and I’ve been feeling preeeetty mellow#I ate two bowls of ice cream and I’m feeling good#I thought I had a drs appt coming soon to talk about anxiety meds but turns out it’s actually next month 🙄 so gonna reschedule that#anyway this was supposed to be a post about wanting to get blazed but I kinda whined all over these tags#whoops#uhhh…. how are you doing?#have you drank enough water today? for real#god I love ice water with a little lemon juice. I drink so much of that a day. it’s the best.#this isn’t important#if you read all of this then I love you#or at least like you. a little. a little bit. you’re good. I appreciate you.#ok I’m gonna go make coffee now#you can ignore this#text
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God I am so debilitatingly sad and alone I don’t know how to deal with it all again. Just endlessly miserable
#vent incoming you know the drill. scroll scroll scroll#my periods of silence are getting inescapable i am struggling to hold conversations and see things as they are#i really dont know what to do with myself i feel useless and spent. and i dont want to talk because nothing changes anyway#i cant stop wasting all my years. so much of my youth spent doing nothing being nowhere with no one#i wish i was exaggerating but if you didnt know i developed agoraphobia at 18 (pandemic). it has taken so much from me lol#including pretty much every friendship i had. and what few vestiges of my sanity were left. maybe i should go back on my meds#but how many times am i gonna do that. go off and on and off and on meds#it’s so sad because i’ve done almost nothing with my life and the crushing weight of that causes me to continue to do nothing and i could#break the cycle at any point but i don’t because the pain and guilt of having not broken the cycle and not being worth anything is soooo#exhausting. more than anything i’m exhausted all of the time. but i don’t feel like i deserve to be exhausted because again --almost nothin#i pray to god you guys filter me out by now. now that i have discord again i should do that thing where i vent to myself in a lone channel#being severely mentally ill is so embarrassing like i knowww i knowwwww it’s all in my head. and yet#mine
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i love not taking my meds and then complaining im experiencing symptoms. girl it’s your own fault
#omg why can’t i get out of bed and do things :(((#<————— hasn’t taken antidepressants regularly since like the first half of july#and mind you i started them in july as well#but they weren’t really working i don’t think????#i started showering more regularly but that’s abt it#but bc of that they don’t feel like it’s worth the hassle#and yes i consider having to remember to take one pill a hassle#and i should call my doctor bc there aren’t many left but i don’t feel like doing that#what’s gonna happen i’ll go and say they didn’t do shit and that’ll be it#ig theres a chance she’ll have me take a higher dose#when i first started going to her and she asked me abt my prev meds and when i told her my dosage#she just went: and it wasn’t suggested you go higher?#which likely didn’t happen bc when asked if just say i was doing ok bc i was ig by my standards#but i think my doctor thought i was functioning which wasn’t the case not really#that’s the issue i think i have no idea what to say to doctors so i just go yeah i’m ok idrk why i’m here#so it never goes anywhere#but they rarely question me either so idk shouldn’t they be trying to see if the suicidal person is being truthful lmao#anyway bc i haven’t been taking the meds regularly i’m now experiencing the fun fucked up heartbeat thing again
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how to explain that I’m dying and have too much going on in my personal life to have such a stressful job without sharing unnecessary details with my boss that may come back to bite me later on
#ayyyyyyyiiiiiii#like oh yeah sorry my partner tried to off themselves last December and then they were on leave for 9 months and we were living on one in on#and they just came back a month ago and it’s not going well and honestly they’re probably gonna have to quit and I don’t think they’ll be#able to work anymore at all#anyways all my bills are over dude my credit is fucked and I get about 20 calls a day from bill collectors#not to mention I’m still trying to figure out the short term disability ahit HR fucked up#oh yeah and also my depression is relapsing and I have ‘can’t do things or pay attention’#disorder and terrible anxiety and my depression is relapsing#plus we had 2 deaths in the family very recently which I still haven’t had time to process#and you know I have to leave work early yesterday to go to urgent care cause I was having a miscarriage!#and they scooped me and gave me meds!#so like 15 client projects 6 internal projects and onboarding 2 people while you change literally every single process and rule after firing#half of my team and leaving me as the only person with product knowledge#well it’s a lot it fucking handle.#I’m dying#like how do you even say that.#you don’t#you just suffer in silence as the bone chilling dread and ‘waking up unable to breathe’ panic takes over
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