#I’m happy and nothing can stop me
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I would like to take this moment to write down my goals for this year:
Stop isolating yourself. Your family and friends really do actively want you to update them on your life. NOT ONLY THAT but they want you to hang out with them a little more. I know you WANT to hang out with them SO DO IT!!! THEY LOVE YOU AND WANT TO SEE MORE OF YOU!!!!!!!!
Do something really sweet and maybe even cheesy for your boyfriend. He will think it’s sweet that you put so much effort into caring about him even if it isn’t particularly his cup of tea. Trust me. Trust you♥️
WRITE! Write, write, write,WRITE, WRITE, WRITE, WRITE!!!!!!! Poems, songs, stories, fanfictions , Plays, musicals, journal entries, I don’t care just write! You are not going to be forgotten! I know you want people to read the stupid thousands of pages you have written and hidden away so WRITE and PUT IT SOMEWHERE!!!! Or you’ll never know if people liked it at all (and trust me, some people do.)
Do something that scares you. Not something that will be a danger to you but… something out of your comfort zone. THEN MAKE IT YOUR COMFORT ZOME!!!! but baby steps.
#my goals#goals for 2023#new year#new years#new year new me#self improvement#health#healthy#happy#happy birthday#happy new year#happy new moon#witchyvibes#beginner witch#witch#witch community#I’m happy and nothing can stop me#2023 goals
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🦋💕🦋💕🦋
#;windy’s edit#hxh#killua#hunter x hunter#killua zoldyck#KI IS THE CUTEST ALICE PERIOD#ALICE IN WONDERLAND WHO NO ITS ALL KI#PERIOD#HE IS THE MOST PRECIOUS#ZOMG HES SO PRECIOUS MY HEART AHHHHHHHHHH#CUTEST LITTLE BABEY EVER#HES SO PRETTY#GASSSPS I JUST AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#GON WOULD HOLD HIS HAND OUT LIKE A PRINCE FOR KI TO TAKE AND AHHHHH#KI WOULD TAKE IT SO CUTELY AND SHYLY AND AHHHHHHH#GON WOULD BE A GENTLEMAN AHHHHH HELPING KI ACROSS BUMPY TERRAIN I JUST#SLAMS HANDS DOWN ON TABLE KIS JUST SO FUCKING CUTE AND PRECIOUS OMG#I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HIMMMMM#INCLUDING USE AN OLD IPAD SO I CAN HAVE MY PHOTOSHOP MIX#THEY CANNOT TAKE IT FROM ME ITS ALL I HAVE EVER KNOW I BLED AND SWEAT LEARNING TO EDIT ON THAT#Nothing will ever stop me from making these not low engagement apps breaking! Nothing! THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY THAT IS ENOUGH and I’m really#THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY#ITS SO HARD CHOOSING ONE ICON HES SO FRICKIN CUTEEEE#Okie it’s more like 2 BUT ANHHHHH#LOOKATHIM LOOOOK AT HIM WAS WORTH THE SOUL I PUT IN#HE IS SO CUTE I JUST#DIES HAPPILY OMG AHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#HES JUST SO PRECIOUS AND CUTE#AHHH I JUST AHHH KIS SO CUTEEEE
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Just got back from my friend’s wedding :’) I think it says a lot that I was the only high school friend that showed up
#TBF the others in our friend group back then live in different states now#And flying out for a wedding can be SO expensive.#But yeah idk it just meant a lot to me :’)#And my friend (the groom) was SO happy to see me. And his family was too#That made me really glad 🤧#The fact that he invited me to come at all also says a lot I think#And you know what maybe I cried on the way home in the car but that’s nobody’s business but mine!!#I’m very very happy for him. And his wife is SO sweet and so pretty#It’s just weird yk? Cause in high school I liked this guy SO much#Like I daydreamed about getting married to him some day#So seeing him marrying someone else felt very weird lol#Bittersweet mostly#Sorry this is super embarrassing LMAO but it’s not like I’m ever going to tell this to his face.#I know they’ll be very happy together and I’m so so glad he found someone that fits together with him so well#He’d better come to MY wedding tho. In the future. LOL#Shima speaks#It was a very ‘saying goodbye to your first love’ kind of thing.#Even after I confessed to him in high school (and got rejected) I never really stopped liking him#Like I just never got over it I guess. Even tho I KNEW nothing would ever come of it#Idk sometimes it’s hard to let that stuff go! It’s hard to stop liking someone after you liked them for so long and so strongly#I want to say I’m over it now but considering I was crying in my car:#Well. JFJSJMFMSMSNN#I know I don’t feel that way for him anymore like as a fact but. Idk it was weird—#Again bittersweet. I think I just needed a second to process and really let it sink in#Goodbye to my high school fantasy //waves a handkerchieff#Also MAYBE I saw them be so happy and was like. Why can’t I have that with someone. HUH#Leetle jealous. I need to find me a someone *squint emoji*#Anyway rant over wedding was good I’m just an idiot ;)
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i don’t think i’ve ever felt this lost in my life. tbh
#feeling sad? sure. hopeless? been there done that. anxious as hell? at least once a week. but lost? no. not really#and that’s really fucking scary because i’m not familiar with it and i just don’t know how to deal with it#i can’t stop thinking that i’m running out of time because i’m 25 and i don’t think i can afford feeling this way#taking a break from uni sounds good in theory but in reality? again. i’m 25. i need to at least achieve one thing in my life holy shit#it’s SO hard to see the good even when it’s right in front of me or someone points it out. like having a job or studying or getting to#travel or even just having friends ARE achievements but i always want More More and More i am addicted to wanting more cause it feels like#nothing i do is ever enough. and now i’m adding feeling lost because i’m finally acknowledging the fact that i don’t know what i want to do#with what i’m studying or how to get a different job in the future when i almost have no experience and everything is just so frustrating#because i simply don’t fucking know. i just don’t. i can’t afford not knowing!! everything is so messy rn you would think i’d be thriving#after seeing louis and meeting aria and traveling to germany and i am genuinely so happy those things happened but fuck man there is always#the Bigger Thing taking over and it makes me feel like an ungrateful brat i just don’t fucking know man. maybe i am an ungrateful brat#but it’s just so hard to be happy when you’re feeling so lost with everything in your life and yourself#anyway i just. needed to let that out#negative#effie talks to the moon
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im three days on t and feeling so epic and happy :)
#fats talks#i don’t think ive ever been so excited to wake up every morning#the instant change in my happiness and overall mood#it’s awesome#nothing can stop me because I’m on t now and everything is okay :)
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i just want to go one day without having to go through extreme stress and emotional whiplash i feel like i am going to have a fucking breakdown.
#the thing is that i need to fucking LEAVE#i need to GO#i need to go somewhere that is not here and lie facedown for three days or something#but i am SO FUCKING BUSY for the next three months that i CAN’T#there is literally no time#i don’t even have the capacity for happiness right now - it’s ALL stress#any happiness i feel transforms into stress because stress is the only response my body can process#i have gotten a TON of good news lately and i can’t even be happy about it#i just feel like i’m fucking everything up and i want to stop existing#(not in THAT way - please don’t worry…)#i just want to disappear into a warm dark and safe void for a few days where no one can bother me and nothing can go wrong#and i can just REST#i need to HEAL damnit… but they just keep wounding me instead#i can’t do this forever
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called out at work as an astarion girlie
#how did he know. he just guessed.#i’m nothing if not painfully obvious i guess#it’s just like. he’s just like me for real#covering your trauma w flirtatious flippancy is sooooo. me#just assuming you get through life by grinning and bearing it ! when you could be happy instead !#‘the worst thing isn’t that he (cazador) did it it’s that he did it to ME’#AAHHHHH ASTARION I LOVE YOU#the few times he’s mentions his past and seducing ppl for cazador makes me insane#like he sounds so pained the whole time but tries so hard to play it off#like well it was over quick enough anyway !#and then u find that blood lady in moonrise who wants him to bite her#and if you say fuck off dude he’s his own Man#ar camp later he’s like. almost surprised that you said that!! and was even like talking you and him into it after the fact#like it would have been worth what she was offering whats one more time ha ha 🥲#OR (im sorry i can’t stop) when you find the drow twins and they’re like we could all fuck ?#he says oooo my love im not sure im ready for that again.#and he sounds NERVOUS. and APOLOGETIC. like IM going to be upset?!#and you can say that pretty much and he’s like i hate it when you’re nice ew……..thank you <3#MY POOR BOY. my GOD. ohhhhh.#i gotta go lie down i thought about astarion too hard it gave me brain damage
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what do u do on days u wake up feeling empty and the only things that stir smth up in ur brain and body are memories of times/places that are long gone…. like what am i supposed to do with that….. i don’t feel like a person today i just wanna wake up in my childhood bedroom and smell the way it smelled in winter but i can’t do that so i just go through my day feeling vaguely nauseously unsettled and untethered…. and that doesn’t feel fair but i don’t know what can be done about it
#i know i sound like a broken record but i miss my trees. i miss feeling like i’m home. i miss feeling safe in my body.#i miss the owls and doves that fill the morning by my grandma’s old house and the smell of the co-op and the river#and the way the mountains look surrounding the valley. protecting me.#i miss the feeling of my hands on the window in winter and reading my favourite books for the first time i miss chris i miss my old bed#i miss myself. i feel like i’ve been lost for years#sometimes i wake up distracted and i fill my brain with anything i can find and i cheat the system and i feel things#for a little while. if i keep moving fast enough i forget that i’m lonely. i forget that i’m lost#but sometimes i stop and it catches up to me and i have to sit on the floor#sometimes i realise how far from home i am in every sense of the word and i feel like a child lost in a supermarket#except this time no one is coming to find me if i just stand still#i wake up and everything i can think of that would make me happy is a mirage#i wake up and the music isn’t enough and i want to start pedalling backwards and i feel like i’m floating very fast downstream#and there’s a waterfall looming somewhere in the distance and i can’t grab a log#im not gonna fall off. nothing is ever bad enough for anyone to worry about me drowning. but i am still very wet and very far from home#so what. do. i. do. ?#when i was a kid we lived in a house that had a very large oak tree out front (this was before the house with the willow tree)#at the base of the oak tree was a small fairy pond. we moved in during winter and it was frozen solid and u couldn’t see anything in it#but come spring it melted and we discovered the fairy pool was chock full of marbles of all colours and sizes. hundreds of them.#it was so thrilling to know they’d been waiting for me all winter to find them in the warmth. where are the marbles now#is anything waiting for me? is anything hiding in the frozen pond?#@the universe: i need a little help now pls. pls send me something small and colourful i wasn’t expecting. hundreds of them. or just one.#i am open to it all#because i can’t go back in time and smell my childhood bedroom in winter. and i will not go over the waterfall. so bring me marbles#~ signed yours truly. ps tell the trees i’m still the same
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do you want me to fucking go off on you? do you truly fucking want that mother?
#“oh you and your sister never listen to me and blah blah blah” we fucking do (or at the very least i do)#“you guys never help out” does me doing the litter and taking out the trash and on occasion hand washing the dishes mean#fucking nothing to you? does me sweeping the floor every once in a while because you chose to keep us in an area that is ALL SAND/DIRT ROAD#for whatever stupid ass reason also meaningless? does me doing my damn best to help out mean fucking nothing?#do you want me to kill my self. do you want to lose your eldest child to something YOU could have fucking prevented all because you can’t#stop being a bitch to him all the time? do you really fucking want that mom? because at this rate i am once again on the road to fucking#attempting it. i’m so god damn sick of how you treat me. the only time i can do anything i want is at night. i stay up super late playing#games with my friends because its the only time in the day when you aren’t bitching and whining for me to do something you don’t want to do#for the past several days i’ve been up until five in the damn morning just to do something that makes me happy.#you misgender me. you deadname me. you refuse to accept any aspect of my identity. you don’t treat me like a god damn person.#i have so many different ways i can consider attempting if i truly wanted to. the only thing keeping me alive is my friends. because they a#least show that they fucking care and actively want to do things with me. like group drawing or playing video games.#YOU on the other hand; mother; yell and get mad at me over the stupidest shit and never fucking apologize.#i cannot recall a singular time you’ve apologized for being a complete bitch to me over something so fucking unimportant.#and yet i’m expected to be completely fucking fine and happy all because you provide me with the bare fucking minimum.#”i clothe and feed and provide a place for you to live” THAT IS THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM. sure you could argue over the fact i’m 18 and#should be out working somewhere. but you give me so few opportunities for going places and even considering getting a job or finally gettin#my driver’s license. plus i would rather fucking die than work any food service or customer service job. because i’d be going somewhere#where i’d mostly get talked down to or yelled and then come home and have the same shit done after working for hours and getting minimal#pay. i’d rather work on my own fucking terms with commissions than go into any job where i have to interact with others in public for any#reason. where i’d be treated just the same as at home. like someone who isn’t a person and doesn’t deserve anyone to be nice to them.#i constantly so desperately wish that maybe one day soon i’d find someone to be with romantically and that i could maybe live with them and#get out of this hell hole that i’m supposed to call home. to go somewhere and have my efforts appreciated. to go somewhere where i’d#actually fucking be loved. i shouldn’t have to wish so god damn hard for a better life all because my mother can’t fucking treat me like a#person with hopes and dreams and thoughts and feelings.#i’m ending this rant here before i get too angry and upset. see you all in maybe an hour.#suicide mention#ask to tag
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Haha would y’all be mad if I said I might be a trans man
#HAHA…. like nothing is set in stone or anything but god how much longer can I keep this in idk#weird shit is happening#I entertained the idea a lil and it just keeps growing more and more#I don’t try to suppress it but I think more and more about my identity and question if that’s actually it#I’m so sick of being seen as a girl/woman I wanna take t now#but I dunno if that’s just me hating being misgendered and I’m actually just nonbinary#I don’t know I don’t know#being seen as masculine and dressing masculinely makes me so happy#I feel like if I bring this up to people they will brush me off and discard it like ‘HA you could never be a man. you?? really??!’#and I feel like those are stopping me#there’s conflict with my identity#I care too much about how others perceive me
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I hate my gender I hate it I hate my gender this is fucking stupid I hate it I hate it I hate it could I be literally anything fucking else I’m so goddamn sick of this
#I’m like 99.9999999% sure I am genderfluid#which is all great and fine when I go like literal months#being perfectly happy and content being feminine and being called a girl and enjoying she/her pronouns#until all of a sudden I’m just vibing on the couch last night and the dysphoria just fucking SLAMMED into me#and it was so Fucking Stupid too I just saw a buff shirtless male video game character and my brain was like#‘kinda bullshit you don’t look like that huh’#and now I hate everything and I get my five millionth ‘am I trans man’ crisis#except at this point I KNOW I’m not cuz this is the pattern#I’ll be uncomfortable for several months like two ppl I know will use he/him pronouns for me and I’ll enjoy it#and then eventually I’ll decide THAT now makes me uncomfortable and I’ll go back to either hyperfem or androgyny#whichever is scratching the itch at the time#and I’m so…. so fucking sick of this pattern#cuz say I DID do anything to transition then whenever I inevitably wanted to look like a woman it’d be the same thing just reveresed#AAAAHGGGHHHHHHHH#I want it to stop I want stable feelings about gender one way or the other this is so fucking stupid and unfair#I hate it I hate it I hate it#this is the worst way to experience gender ever I literally can do NOTHING about it#and these intense switches are just gonna keep happening#like idk at least I’m self aware enough I’ve figured out the pattern but honestly I think that kinda makes it worse in a way#androgyny is my go to and has definitely never made me feel Bad#but life certainly is fucking easier when I’m happy with and leaning into being more fem aligned than masc aligned#bye I’m gonna go die in a hole now#kaz rambles
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i think i’ve made peace with romantic relationships not happening for me at least for the foreseeable future. if it hasn’t happened even incidentally atp then that’s fine and maybe it’s not meant to. not everyone gets to have romantic love, right? it’s not necessarily something i need even if it’s something i’ve really really wanted. and it’s not really my fault that i am not what the world tells other ppl to want. it’s not like i can change that. and i have great friends and a family that really loves me, so that can be enough for me. i’ll focus on what i have.
#i think yearning and waiting and trying to seek it out when nothing is coming is just gonna keep making me miserable#and this isn’t a ‘when you stop looking for it it drops in your lap’ thing either#i’m just accepting that it won’t happen for me and there’s something freeing about that#there’s some stuff i’d like to have that i haven’t yet and that is sad#but i’ve mourned it plenty i think#my life doesn’t have to look like other peoples lives#and people can be happy without having everything they want
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I’m not on twitter but I see this type of sentiment commonly on here and I have to ask - what are they posting over there that gets people here in such frustration??
mpreg. animal hybrids. omegaverse. really weird and ooc modern aus. the worst most surface level character takes you’ve ever seen in your life.
things i listed above are in descending order of frequency by the way. (why is there so much mpreg on there. why. why are they so obsessed with men getting pregnant. it is inescapable.)
#tgcf#ask#im so sorry this took me AGES to reply but god i didn’t want to think about twitter#like. like. i believe people should ship what they want but there is NOTHING else#you go on there and the mpreg is inescapable#WHY.#head in hands despair#i still go on there because i am desperate for a content fix sometimes but god#like sometimes i can deal with the mpreg and kink stuff but then you scroll past a TERRIBLE character take#and then i just black out#like jesus christ almighty#just don’t go on there unless ur prepared to be filled with rage non stop#i just shut my mouth and come back on here and post for my little circle#and it’s all peaceful and happy#and there’s no algorithm to shove mpreg at me when i don’t want it#i’m sorry i don’t mean to target the mpreg specifically like it’s all the other things i mentioned#but i am really not joking about the sheer volume.
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#it’s so fucking itchy and irritated and bumpy i just know it’s not meant to go like this#and i’m wondering if i have an allergy to some inks because some colours are irritated while some aren’t so much?#but oh my god#i DMd the studio about it and they were like it looks okay just make sure not to scratch it#THATS SO EASY TO SAY WHEN YOURE NOT IN HELL#ITS NON STOP ITCHY AND YOU HAVE GIVEN ME NO SOLUTION#except like a cold compress which does work but i kind of have to be alreadychilling at home to do that#and i went to the pharmacy and i was like please do you have anything that can help#and they were like idk try bepanthen tattoo cream#and i get home and see that it has petroleum jelly the exact thing i was instructed against using#AND it does nothing for the irritation since its not caused by dryness#i mean i’m losing sleep over this discomfort it honestly wasn’t worth it#when this phase is over i’ll be happy with it but like#can’t help but worry this is gonna turn into an infection (worst case) or just distortion of the image and i’ll have to get it redone#i just don’t see an end in sight to this and it’s killing me#runaway scones
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On the one hand I have alot of self restraint when it comes to me doing things that I know will eventually hurt me but also I really want to do the things that will hurt me.
#wish I had the same urges for helping myself in the long run instead#but alas I want to no longer be a thinking human being who feels things#wouldnt life be so much better if you just gave in and then die? I think it would.#like genuinely all I’ve been thinking about is alcohol I want alcohol so bad#and I almost accepted some cigarettes from a coworker I am not having a good time#I cannot let myself have any nicotine I know I will become unbearable and the absolute worst human being#I am barely a decent human being now#like realistically I know I should like. not purposely do things that end up hurting me or cause actually harm to my body#but also I genuinely want nothing more than to simply not exist#but also doing certain things will make me more aware of my body and of my thoughts#idk very much a ‘I think I need therapy’ hour#the thing vents#idk not really negative but I’m tired of having ‘ooooh you want to drink so bad oooooh you want to smoke so bad oooooo#‘oooooh you want to hurt yourself so bad so you can stop having these thoughts oooooo’#like shut the fuck up and enjoy the moment and be happy but my brain fucjing wont
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after the next few drafts are posted any other art posts may become more sporadic for the foreseeable future as I honestly hold little love for art or my ocs lately and don’t know if/when that’ll change. thanks for understanding
#whimsy whispers#maybe things will change but when nothing brings you joy and everything feels pointless art and ocs with no use don’t seem that fun anymore#I debated briefly just putting my ocs up as adoptables at this point but I’d probs regret it but also ahdjfktkt they just don’t make me#happy anymore#but also expecting random fake characters from my head to make me happy at this point is silly#so yeah basically my depression has gotten to like rock bottom and while I do art because I get bored I’m not happy with anything I could#possibly make and idk when I will be#and I just don’t have the energy or will or like ✨inspiration✨ to make actual art anymore#also idk what to even do with my ocs they’re useless to me and I’m unhappy drawing them standing stiffly in front of whatever random ass#background I can throw together in five minutes#sorry again for being depressed on my art blog but like I figured it’s a heads up#I’m too depressed and tired to even care to make art anymore and I don’t know when or if I will be#you’ll probably see things here and there from me but like idk just don’t expect anything from me#it’s best to just have low to no expectations#making this my pinned post because I don’t think having my promo as my pinned post did much good#unfortunately I can’t just stop doing art otherwise I would’ve
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