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softpink · 2 years

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100 Questions

1. What’s your philosophy in life?

To not waste what you’ve been given. To share all you have to offer in the fullest capacity that you can.

2. What’s the one thing you would like to change about yourself?

Would love to not have gastroparesis, pls and thx

3. Are you religious or spiritual?

A mix of both. Raised catholic by my parents, but heavy shinto roots from my Grandma.

4. Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?

I am an introvert at my core. I love quiet time, solitude, etc. But I can be very personable when I need to be.

5. Which parent are you closer to and why?

My mom, just because we talk every single day. I am very close with my dad too, though. He’s Japanese so how he shows affection/closeness is very different than my mom.

6. What was the best phase in your life?

Right now! 25 has been exceptionally good. I can’t think of a time in my life that even compares to the peace and love I have now.

7. What was the worst phase in your life?

15-21 was six years of non stop bullshit

8. Is what you’re doing now what you always wanted to do growing up?

I mean, in the literal sense, no? I was always so wishy washy on “what I wanted to be when I grow up.” Court room stenographer, teacher, lawyer, pharmacist. I wanted to be everything. At my core, I always wanted to be a helper. I want to help people. I do that everyday at my job, so yes. I am doing what I wanted to do.

9. What makes you feel accomplished?

P r a i s e :-) I am a simple lady, all I need is to be told I’m doing a good job

10. What’s your favorite book/movie of all time and why did it speak to you so much?

Favorite book of all time is Catcher in the Rye. I read it right after one my best friends died my senior year of high school. Holden’s existential crisis of facing growing up while being paralyzed by grief, desperately clinging to the concept of innocence because yours has been stolen by trauma while watching your own life rot away like fruit on the vine because you don’t know HOW to move forward resonated with me so deeply. It’s a book that helped me navigate that crushing loss when I was 17. It helps me navigate it now 7 years later. Every time I reread Catcher, I learn something new. I think it is a perfectly written novel.

11. What is a relationship deal breaker for you?

Being controlling. Independence is so important to me.

12. Are you more into looks or brains?

Brains, always.

13. Would you ever take back someone who cheated?

No, I’m not in the business of self degradation

14. How do you feel about sharing your password with your partner?

I think it is weird to ask your partner for that kind of information, and I’m not in a relationship right now that has those types of behaviors. I don’t think you need your partners passwords to have honesty in your relationship. I think asking your partner for their passwords to things is an inherent sign of distrust.

15.If you died tomorrow, what would you wish you had done?

Spent more time with my friends and family, more time with the people that I love.

16. What kind of parent do you think you will be?

The cool aunt :) kids are not on the agenda for me

17. What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner?

At 25? I would break up with them, because I am old enough and wise enough now to know that if your parents don’t like them, they have a good reason.

18. Who is that one person you can talk to about just anything?

Molly, Brad, and my mom all live on equal footing there

19. Do you usually stay friends with your exes?

Typically, no. Not for any malice, just because what purpose do they have in my life? Almost all of my exes came into my life with the intention of dating me, so there’s no baseline friendship to go back to. You know what I mean? I’m not on bad terms with a vast majority of my exes, I feel really neutral about them at the end of the day. Am I going to go out of my way to keep them an active part of my life? No. Am I going to be nice if I run into them or if they need help with something? Of course. I’m not an asshole.

20. Have you ever lost someone close to you?

Literally lost, like dead? Yes. Emotionally lost, no longer in my life? Also yes.

21. If you are in a bad mood, do you prefer to be left alone or have someone to cheer you up?

Depends on what I’m in a bad mood about, but typically I like to have alone time to decompress first and then I will seek out interaction with others after I’ve calmed down.

22. What’s an ideal weekend for you?

I like Friday night to be the party night. Good cocktails, out with friends, dive bars to end the night. Maybe some dancing thrown in there. Or a house party type of night. Have our friends over for a fire, playing drinking and board games.

Saturday is for recovery. Snuggles in bed in the morning. Cook breakfast at home. Do laundry and clean the bathroom. Do something outside (hike, walk, etc) or go see family. Nice dinner, either out at a restaurant or steak at home. Chill at home for the evening, just Brad and I. Movie or video games with our favorite snacks.

Sunday, early morning grocery shopping and breakfast. Run errands. Watch football, and take it easy.

That is my ideal weekend.

23. Can you pin point the moment in your life where you were the happiest?

On top of Mt Pemetic in Acadia. Bradley and I were the only people up there, staring into the vast blue of the Atlantic. Everything felt like it was going to be okay on that mountain. Life got put into perspective for me up there.

24. Do you judge a book by its cover?

I mean, yeah. Bad cover design is a cardinal sin.

25. Are you confrontational?

I am an Aries stellium.

26. When was the last time you broke someone’s heart?

?????? Maybe Kyle ????? I really can’t remember or pinpoint who

27. Would you relocate for love?

Like, if I met someone online would I MOVE to be with them? Absolutely not. If Brad told me today that he was going to take a job in another state, of course. I will not relocate for love, but I will follow the love of my life. Do you know what I mean?

28. Did you ever write a journal?

Still do to this day!

29. What are you most thankful for?

The forgiveness and grace that has been extended to me time and time again

30. Do you believe in second chances?

For most things

31. What’s the one thing that people always misunderstand about you?

That I’m MEAN. I’m not mean, I’m just LOUD.

32. What is your idea of a perfect vacation?

Ctrl+C Ctrl+V the 2021 Maine vacation, but during later summer/early fall so I can see the moose during mating season

33. What did your past relationship teach you?

That if they want to be with you, they will. You are worth more than excuses. If you think you need to leave them; then it is time to do just that.

34.Why did you cry the last time you did so?

LMAO. I accidentally took my wellbutrin dose twice on Friday and I was sobbing uncontrollably for a large portion of the day. It was a very bad and very scary time.

35. Is home for you a place or a feeling? Describe that place or describe that feeling.

It’s a feeling. It’s the feeling of ease, of being comfortable. I walk into my apartment with Brad, my parents house, my sisters apartment, Kathryn’s apartment, Molly’s apartment, and there are no pretenses. I can just simply be. All of those places are home to not because of the physical structures, but because of the love I feel as soon as I cross the threshold.

36. When have you felt your biggest adrenaline rush?

PROBABLY FRIDAY WHEN I TOOK 900MG OF WELLBUTRIN.

Aside from the medication error? When Brad grabbed my hand for the first time in the back of the uber way back when.

37. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done and would you do it again?

Jesus chirst. I went on a date with a man from Hinge to one of the abandon grain silos. I cannot believe I didn’t get MURDERED. No, I would never do something that stupid ever again.

38. If you could be anywhere other than where you are right now, where would you be and what would you be looking at?

I’d be in Maine, watching salt water crash against granite and pine trees.

39. What’s your biggest regret in life?

Everything involving my first employer :-)

40. What do you think about when you’re by yourself?

Anything and everything

41. Does your job make you happy?

It does! I love my patients and I love my coworkers. I love that I do not think about my job when I am not there and it allows me to have an actual work life balance.

42. What did you want to be when you were younger?

Everything! Court room stenographer, teacher, art historian, artist, pharmacist, doctor, lawyer!

43. Why did your last relationship end?

Because he was 27 and had way too much baggage and I was 22 and didn’t know how to process or handle my emotions

45. What’s been your biggest mistake so far in life and what did you learn from it?

Extending too much of myself into people/things that do not return the effort. I learned that you have to value your sanity and standards above all else.

46. Where is your favorite place in the entire world to go?

Maineeeee

47. What are your top five favorite movies?

1. Gone Girl 2. Parasite 3. The Social Network 4. Silver Linings Playbook 5. Ladybird

48. What are some of your favorite songs? That’s a very broad question but three songs I’ve been listening to a lot lately are You’re On Your Own Kid by TSwift, Anywhere With You by Maggie Rogers, and Your Type by Carly Rae Jepsen

49. What qualities do you admire about your parents?

Forgiveness, patience, hard work

50. How would you describe your best friend?

Patient, level headed, protective

51. What’s your favorite hobby to do alone?

I love all sorts of arts and crafts type stuff, but I’ve been very into scrapbooking lately

52. What’s something you can’t go a day without doing?

Talk to my mom

53. What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve done lately?

Ahh that’s hard to say. I am a very planned out type of person.

54. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done for love?

Had a crush on a man for over a year of my life in my TWENTIES

55. What’s your biggest pet peeve?

Laziness!

56. Do you have any recurring dreams or nightmares?

I am medicated precisely so I do not have nightmares :-)

57. What accomplishment are you most proud of?

My nursing license! School was hell, and it was during one of my lowest points in my life. The fact that I got through it all in one go is crazy to me.

58. What is one dream you have yet to accomplish?

Become a psych NP

59. What is your greatest fear?

My loved ones dying

60. What are three things you value most about a person?

1. Honesty 2. Being a good listener 3. Being dependable

61. Who are five people you are closest with?

Brad, Molly, my mom, Grace, Kathryn

62. What is the greatest struggle you’ve overcome?

Being large scale traumatized throughout highschool

63. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

If I could take my family with me? Northern Maine. If not, then I’m staying put right here in Buffalo.

64. What’s the most exciting thing that’s happened this past year?

Something I can’t disclose online right now! But other than that, definitely moving into the new apartment with Brad

65. Do you believe more in fate or that we are the creators of our own destinies because we are governed by free will?

I think it’s a pretty even split

66. What’s one thing that bothers you most about the world today?

Narrowminded opinions/echo chambers

67. How do you define art?

Anything that causes a discussion

68. If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be?

The ROSACEA

69. If you could change one thing about the world what would it be?

Hoarding of wealth

70. Who was your favorite teacher and why?

Mr Spero. He offered me refuge in the wake of Mike’s death. Always gave me solid advice. His classroom was a safe space for me.

71. What sport did you fall in love with?

Tae kwon do unfortunately :’-)

72. If you could have the option of eradicating pain from your life would you choose to do so? Why or why not?

No. It has made me who I am today

73. What was your longest relationship?

Mike was almost three years!

74. What would your best friend say is your best quality?

My ~passion~

75. If you could be given the date of your death would you want to know it?

Absolutely not

76. If you could have any animal in the world as a pet, what would it be and why?

Giant panda, obviously.

77. If you could tell your former self one thing right now what would it be?

That it won’t be like this forever, and that you will love the life you have one day

78. What food could you not live without?

Potatoes!!

79. Dogs or Cats?

Dogs but I do love kitties too

80. What’s closest you’ve ever come to being arrested?

Stoned out of my mind in Matt Reid’s car trying to find parking in Cleveland for the state champs world tour in a fucking snowstorm

81. What was your best birthday?

24 and 25 were both sensational

82. What’s one thing you wish you knew how to do?

Use a sewing mache!

83. Where’s one place you’d like to go that you haven’t been?

Alaska

84. What was the last book you read? And When?

The Body Keeps Score, I finished it a couple weeks ago!

85. If you were given a chance to explore the oceans, go to outer space or visit 50 different countries, which one you choose and why?

50 different countries because space and the ocean freak me out

86. What are some of your own personal goals in the next 5 years?

Buy a house, invest more, go back to school, have an actual adult wardrobe, draw more

87. What would you consider your greatest accomplishment so far?

I already answered this!

88. If you could get away with anything what would you do?

I’mma be real with you, rob a bank or the rich or something to that degree

89. Out of the negative emotions of greed, anger, jealousy and hate, which one would you say affects you the most?

Anger for sure

90. What’s the greatest risk you’ve ever taken?

Quit my first nursing job with nothing lined up :)

91. Has another’s pain ever given you joy? Be totally honest.

I mean, Marty’s receding hairline brings me joy everytime I see it. But other than that, no.

92. If heaven is real and you died tomorrow, would you get in?

I would hope so!

93. Do you believe in fate?

I do

94. If you had to pick one, what is the most important value you would teach your children? Honesty, Kindness or Courage?

Courage. It takes courage to be kind. It takes courage to be honest.

95. If you had the ability to erase something that you did in the past, what

would it be?

Mike dying

96. What song makes you unconditionally happy?

Don’t Take The Money by Bleachers

97. Name the one worst quality you cannot tolerate in a partner?

Being controlling

98. What fictional character do you most relate to?

ladybird fo sho

99. If you got a free check for $5,000 right this second, how would you use it?

Go on a NICE vacation

100. What is your biggest irrational fear?

ANTS

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downwiththeficness · 4 years

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A Need So Great-Chapter 6

Summary: Eva Moore is assigned to work the last year of her contract with the DEA in Colombia. She just wants to get to the end of her tenure, but she keeps getting drawn further into a string of murders in the city. It isn’t long before she’s forced to face the ghosts of her past.

Word Count: ~2,900

Warnings: None

A/N: For the purposes of this story, Carrillo isn’t married--or, if you like, divorced. A/B/O dynamics are prevalent, and they come with their own warning. The overall rating for this story is Explicit, although not every chapter will contain adult themes.

Taglist: @dirtynerdy98 @1zashreena1 @heresathreebee @deliciouslyclassytrash

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 8.5, 9, 10, 10.5, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21

True to his word, Carrillo had called her the next day, asked how she was doing. Eva was barely coherent, but she’d told him that she was okay and he’d let her get back to sleep. To her surprise, he’d called again on Sunday evening, asking if she felt better and if she had eaten. She had, but only a little.

Why don’t you take a hot bath, he’d prompted gently. You’ll feel better.

She did. And, she had felt better. By Monday morning, she was able to pull herself out of bed and head into the office. Although still sleepy, she felt more rested than she had in possibly years. Thinking back, Eva could not remember the last time a nesting period had been so fulfilling, or helpful. Though she was on the upswing, Eva had left the pillows and blankets in place. She could snuggle in them a little longer that night, before the need left her completely.

As her desk, she gathered a new stack of files, flipping through the one on top. It was the death of the informant she’d taken a look at. Eva paused, wondering if she should even read the file. She decided it would look worse if she didn’t. With a sigh, she began reading the first page. And then, the next page. And then she was moving back and forth between reports.

There was a page missing. She thumbed through it, looking to see if it had been collated incorrectly. It hadn’t. Javier had told her about a tattoo on the victim—it wasn’t included on the pages in front of her. Humming, she stood and went to the records room to see if it had slipped out in transit. It was there that Steve found her.

“Good, you’re here.”

Eva lifted her brows in question, refiling the folder in her hand.

“Javier asked me to find you and send you to help him at the church.”

She laughed, “I’m not religious.”

He put his hands on his hips, “Good, you’ll be objective.”

“Objective about what?”

“The case,” he answered, “Now, come on. I’ll take you there.”

Before she could argue, he was guiding her out of the building to the parking lot and they were on their way. It took until she was walking up the steps for her to pause and actually think about what she was doing.

“I can’t,” she nearly yelled, both hands coming up in front of her.

Steve rolled his eyes, “You can, let’s go. Javi’s waiting.”

“No,” Eva countered, lowering her voice, “I can’t do field work. I’m not allowed.”

He sucked a breath through his teeth in frustration, “You’re not. You’re going to mass. Now, in.”

Dragging her feet, Eva followed him in, folding her hands in front of her. It was a really nice church. Lots of stained glass, lots of wood. A confessional off to one side. Big cross with a Jesus on it. She walked up the aisle for what would be the second time in her life. Eva felt out of place the first time, too.

God, she’d been fourteen and so stupid, so trusting of her parents and of—of Joshua. He was smart and handsome and a fucking doctor. So stupid. So trusting. Eva could still remember that she was excited to be a wife, that she had thanked God for making happen so fast for her. She’d prayed that she would be a good partner for him, that she would learn fast. Eva had stopped believing in God the day after she got married.

Javi was standing with a priest at the back—or was it the front—of the church. They were talking animatedly, smiles all around. Eva followed Steve, waiting to be introduced.

“Eva, this is Father Martin.”

She gave a little half wave, “Hello.”

“He’s got a youth baseball league running this summer, they just got new uniforms.”

“That’s great,” she said, wondering where this was going.

“They even bought all the players new cleats. Isn’t that great?”

His expression told her that what he was saying was meaningful, and Eva was a little embarrassed that it took her a few moments to catch on. She cleared her throat and smiled congenially at the group.

“Um, could I use your restroom?”

Father Martin gestured to a hall tucked behind the confessional, “Yes, of course.”

Eva thanked him and tried not to walk too fast. She located the bathroom pretty quickly and ran the faucet while she peeked further down the hall. Couple of rooms, nothing out of the ordinary. Still, she could get a little lost. Turning off the faucet, she slipped out of the bathroom and made her way to the first room—broom closet. Crossing the hall, she opened the next door. This was where they taught whatever the Catholic equivalent was of Sunday School.

Eva had grown up like any other good Louisiana girl, a Southern Baptist. Where they gathered, there was food and Southern judgment. Her marriage had broken her of most of the things she’d once believed, but it hadn’t broken her of the good memories she had.

Reverently, she traced one of the little desks, smiling at the hand made art on the walls, little names scrawled in shaky writing. At the front was a chalk board, a bible verse carefully written in one corner, a psalm. Eva leaned on the desk and stared at it a moment, thinking that she probably could have done with a little more memorization at vacation Bible school.

Next to the chalkboard, Eva noticed that the wall was cracked. Odd. The rest of the church was in immaculate condition. Rising, she went over and touched the cracked, gasping when it cracked more. Spinning around, she looked towards the door, as if God would stroll in and strike her down for damaging His house.

Using both hands, she tried to set it straight, which only made things worse. It cracked all the way up to nearly the ceiling. With a deep sigh, she looked at it, using a nail to scratch along the edge. It lifted away easily, and she discovered the it was...on a hinge.

“What the fu—hell. Hell? Is hell better?”

Knowing she was already in it, Eva opened the makeshift door and found the back of the confessional. Brows together, she leaned in. It looked pretty normal, not that she’d ever been inside one. Well, there was a first time for everything. Primly, she turned and sat on the cushion, wiggling a bit. It wiggled with her.

Standing, Eva reached beneath the seat and lifted it. She smiled, set the cushion down and closed the door. Quickly, she scuttled out into the hall and back into the sanctuary.

The boys were still talking with the priest, thought Steve was taking the occasional photo. She gave Javier a wink, thanked the priest for the use of his facilities, and headed back outside. Javier followed her.

“What’d you find?”

“You know, I’m not supposed to be doing this. I’m supposed to be at a desk.”

“I know-”

“Then, you also know that by asking me to crime scenes you are risking my freedom.”

He looked at her for a bit, chewing on his lip, “Listen, you’re good at this. I know that, and you’re only here to visit a potential church, recommended by me.”

“You can’t just make up stories to suit your needs.”

“Why not?” he shot back, “DEA does it all the time.”

Eva looked away, “I can’t go back to prison, Javi.”

He took her by the shoulders, “You won’t. Steve and me, we’ll make sure of it.”

She nodded, crossing her arms.

“Now, what’d you find?”

“The church,” she answered, “Is hiding drugs under the seat of the confessional, probably in other places, too.”

He snapped his tongue over the back of his teeth, “You saw it.”

“I saw it.”

Dropping his hands, Javier pursed his lips, “I’m gonna call Carrillo. You sit tight out here in case it gets ugly.”

Eva shrugged, “You get the bad guys, I’m gonna go get a popscicle.”

And that’s what she did. Eva crossed the street to a tiny one stop shop and bought a cherry popscicle. Then, she found a bench where she had a good view of the front of the church and sat. As she pulled the paper apart, a couple Jeeps drove up to the church stairs and about ten or so policemen hauled ass inside, each of them wearing kevlar. Javier must have had them on stand by. Clearly, he thought he was working off good information. Perhaps, he’d snagged a nun as informant.

Separating the two pieces, Eva took the top off one and held it in her mouth, letting the sugary syrup melt over her tongue. She hadn’t had one of these in a long time, couldn’t remember the last one. Carefully, she tipped it over, slurping up one side.

Even from across the street, she could hear raised voices. They’d told the priest what she’d found, no doubt.

Eva sat there watching the police bring out load after load of cocaine, an astonishing amount, really. When she’d finished the popscicle, she got up and threw the wrapper and wooden sticks in the trash. On her way back, she saw Carrillo crossing the street towards her. Like his men, he was also kitted up. Eva was surprised that they’d found a bulletproof vest that could fit his broad shoulders. In any case, it was good look for him.

She sat, leaving enough room for him, a wordless invitation that he took.

“Having fun storming the castle?”

He huffed a short laugh, “I don’t know that ‘fun’ is how I would describe it.”

Eva hummed, knowing what he meant, then, “Guess its better than sitting at a desk.”

“On that, we agree. Javi tells me that you were the one who found the drugs.”

She shrugged, “Stumbled upon them, really.”

Carrillo looked at her, sidelong, “You have good eyes for this. I should put you on my payroll.”

Pleased by the complement, she allowed herself to feel a little bit of pride despite the fact that she really had simply stumbled upon the drugs.

Leaning back, Eva let her voice come out in a slow drawl, “I don’t know that you want to do that.”

He assessed her expression, asking, “Why?”

“Because,” she explained, matter of fact, “I don’t kiss the men who sign my paychecks.”

One side of his mouth lifted, a kind of playful light in his eyes, “I can get someone else to sign the paycheck.”

Feeling a blush rise to her cheeks, Eva looked away, saw that the priest was being cuffed in the doorway.

“What will happen to him?”

Carrillo’s face hardened a bit, “We’ll book him and he will make bail. He’ll be back before Sunday services.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

Is that how it worked in this country? She supposed that was how it worked everywhere—plenty of Josh’s boys got off without charges, plenty made bail, plenty went right back to what they were doing.

“What a load of bullshit.”

Carrillo laughed outright, “That is how it is.”

She opened her mouth and closed it, looking at her hands.

He lifted one hand and tapped the outside of her thigh once, “Inside thought?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Tell me—is it insulting?” He looked intrigued.

She shook her head, “More sad, I think.”

“Tell me.”

Sighing deeply, she simply said, “I was just thinking that whoever leaked the information to Javier is going to be crucified. I was also thinking that saying this out loud would be in poor taste.”

Carrillo made a sound of agreement, and then there was a few minutes where they both watched the priest being walked from the church to one of the Jeeps.

“How are you feeling?”

Eva was a little startled by the question, but she recovered quickly, “I’m better. Thank you for your help last week. It...made a difference.”

He acknowledged her thanks with a bob if his head, “You are welcome, and I am glad. When was the last time you nested?”

Her shock must have shown on her face because he went on, “When we met, the first thing I noticed was that you looked like you needed to take some time to nest.”

“The first thing?” Her? Sarcastic? No...

He gave a little shrug, abashed, “Okay, the second thing.”

God, but she wanted to needle him just a little bit, to volley back the unbalanced feeling he so often stirred in her. It took half a second to agree with herself that she should—just a little.

Eva turned, resting her elbow on the back of the bench and laying her head on her hand, “What was the first?”

She could tell he was regretting saying it, but Eva was curious, and she had a hard time not being curious about things. She did, however, keep the satisfied look off her face when his cheeks tinged with pink.

“Tell me,” she urged, echoing his tone from not a few minutes before.

Carrillo’s shoulders pulled down and she got the feeling that he was trying to make himself less threatening, an unconscious movement that told her he’d always been a little too large among his peers. She could see in that small movement that he’d learned early on that he was intimidating. She could also see that he probably knew when to use that to his advantage and when to pull back.

“You know the answer to that question, Eva,” he said eventually.

She held up a finger, “I might know.”

After a deep inhale followed by a controlled exhale, he said, “I cannot believe I am saying this...Your scent. You know that it was your scent. I couldn’t fucking breathe in that conference room. I thought my blood was going to boil in my veins.”

The words tumbled out quickly, but his tone was so reticent that there were little unusual pauses in his sentences. He definitely did not want to be saying it, but he clearly couldn’t help it, and it looked like that frustrated him. Eva bit her lip, touched by how ridiculously honest he was being with her at that moment. She should reward him for that honesty.

“Do you want to know a secret?”

He looked at her and nodded sharply, just once.

Eva moved a little closer and pitched her voice low, “I knew what you smelled like a month before we were introduced. I even saw you first, like a few weeks before. It was the only way I got through that meeting with any dignity.”

There. She’d given him a fair trade. Eva did not need to add that she’d masturbated to that scent over and over for the month prior (and since). She didn’t think she would ever really have the courage to tell him that much. Just the thought made heat rise in her chest and cheeks.

He shifted to face her, “How?”

She tilted her head to the side in a low arc, “You would come in to talk with one of the agents, we’d just miss each other and I could scent you a few times.”

His eyes narrowed and she could see the wheels turning in his head, “You said you saw me.”

“Yes, I did. Not for long, and from across the room. But, I knew.”

Strong fingers brushed down the forearm holding her head aloft, “How did you stand it? After—I think I lasted less than twenty four hours before I was coming up with ways to see you again.”

Eva smiled, “I was just happy that I could feel that intensely. I think I wanted to savor it.”

He cocked his head to the side, eyes running over her face and downwards, catching on the way her skirt had hitched up a bit, “You never…”

She shook her head, “Josh was a beta. After we got married, I was on a tight leash. And after, there wasn’t much opportunity.”

There went that jagged fury that billowed through his scent when she mentioned her marriage. She made a mental note to steer away from the subject, if she could. His mouth opened and closed, and her mouth widened in a smile.

“You just had an inside thought.”

He laughed, ��I did.”

“Well, out with it.”

Carrillo, still smiling, said, “I think I’ve revealed enough for one day.”

Eva looked down, “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

He touched underneath her chin, “Don’t apologize for wanting to know my thoughts, hmm? I want to know yours constantly.”

“I pretty much say whatever I’m thinking, Big Guy.”

His name sounded from across the street and he straightened, listening.

“I need to go,” he said after a moment. “We’ll talk later.”

Eva watched him go, a warm feeling coming over her. She liked him a little too much, she knew that. She also knew that she was going to do absolutely nothing about it.

#narcos #horacio carrillo #carrillo #A Need So Great

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cptsdstudyblr · 4 years

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Cults & Religious Abuse PART 2: So you’re in a cult?

If you don’t want to see this series, you can block #cptsdstudyblrreligion

tw// cults, religion, religious abuse, religious trauma, mentions of other types of abuse

PART 1: Q & A

In this post I will be speaking somewhat specifically about my experiences that led to religious trauma, so please be cautious when reading this post. The tips and resources are at the bottom and are bullet points, so feel free to skip to there if you aren’t comfy with the post itself.

Maybe you were raised in a religion, maybe you or your family joined a religion later in your life, or maybe you’ve gotten involved in a cult in some other way. But one day you wake up and you realize that you need to get out. But how? In this I’ll be sharing the basics of my experiences in a cult-like fundamentalist religion, how I got out, and some resources I think are helpful for people in similar situations.

Before I get into the details, I want to make one thing clear: I am not a woman. I am non-binary. However, I was raised a woman and that was a huge part of the way these experiences affected me, so I will be including that perspective in this post.

I also want to make it clear that I am not against religion in general or against people practicing religion. This post is not intended to attack religion as a concept, but to shed light on specific extremely harmful religious practices.

My family’s relationship with religion is on the complicated side, but I’ll briefly explain it for context. Both of my parents were raised fairly generically Catholic. My grandparents on my dad’s side are now loosely Catholic, but don’t explicitly practice religion. My grandmother on my mom’s side has since converted to protestant Christianity at my mom’s suggestion. My dad has been either apathetic or even hostile towards religion for as long as I can remember and rarely attended church with me and my mom, but my mom has always been religious. These are the primary influences in my life, as I’m not close enough to any other family members for their religious beliefs to have had significant impact on me.

My mom is where it gets complicated. Although she was raised Catholic, she explored protestant Christianity starting a few years before my birth and quickly converted. For most of my actual childhood my mom was a pretty average protestant Christian. We moved a lot, so we attended churches in a variety of denominations, including several more charismatic and prosperity-gospel based megachurches, but when I was around 9 years old, my mom fell down a rabbit hole of Messianic Christianity through one of these churches, which I believe is where it all started to fall apart. Just to clarify, although this group of beliefs is technically referred to as Messianic Judaism, I refer to my experience with it as Messianic Christianity as I am in no way Jewish (and thus feel uncomfortable calling my religious experiences Judaism) and the messianic movement is harmful to actual Jewish people.

This move into Messianic Christianity pushed my mom to start rereading and reinterpreting the Bible and she consequently decided that she was not enamored with the teachings of the church we attended at the time. I strongly believe that her understanding of that study was also heavily influenced by the domestic violence and instability going on in our home at the time, as she was unable to connect to the overwhelmingly positive messages that our church preached. So, she moved us to another church. This was a church we had attended some in the past while trying to find a home church after a move, but hadn’t really stuck with, so it wasn’t an entirely new church. Because of this, I generally say that I attended this church from the age of 9 although we did not attend this church consistently until I was around 11. This church was a nondenominational Bible church closely associated with Grace Community Church in Sun Valley, CA, which is pastored by John MacArthur. I’d encourage you to take a look at the basic teachings of John MacArthur and of this church in some depth as they are already quite problematic. The linked article is really just one example of the kind of teachings that are prevalent here, and I’d encourage you to follow this rabbit hole as far as it takes you because it’s fascinating.

The church that we moved to was extremely fundamentalist. Unfortunately, I’m not comfortable linking the actual church for fear of doxxing myself, but the teachings of this church are pretty much exactly in line with those Grace Community Church and the other organizations I will mention soon. This church also unofficially followed the teachings of the Institute for Basic Life Principles (IBLP). When I say unofficially, I mean that my church was not publically associated with IBLP, but they were definitely associated with IBLP in reality. And again, I’d really encourage you to browse through their website to get a feel for their teachings. However, as a basic summary, if you’re familiar with the Duggar family from the TLC reality show 19 Kids and Counting, they are members of IBLP and everything they teach was taught fairly similarly at my church. I won’t go into the details of what the teachings were, but they were about as fundamentalist Christian as you could come up with. Sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia, abuse, etc. but turned up to 11/10. And it was a very closed circle. So how did I get out and end up where I am now - a bi-romantic asexual non-binary university student studying STEM at an incredibly liberal university?

It wasn’t easy. But I did get somewhat lucky. Unlike 90% of the kids at my church, I was not homeschooled after 8th grade. Instead, I went to a private Christian school - this was definitely still harmful and contributed to my trauma but it did give me opportunities to be exposed to people and ideas outside my fundamentalist Christian bubble. It also encouraged me to attend university, as it was expected of all graduates from that school. My dad wasn’t religious, and he and my mom divorced right before I graduated from high school. Additionally, my mom did encourage me to continue my education despite the teachings at our church. I’m not sure why she encouraged this, but she did. So I got lucky that things in my life pointed me in a direction of further education. And I got further lucky that the main school in my state is the school it is. It’s a school that is incredibly left-leaning and secular, and ultimately it pushed me extremely far outside my comfort zone.

I am extremely grateful for the opportunities that made it easier for me to get out of this situation, but I did still have to work for it. Here are my suggestions for surviving a cult-like environment and for eventually getting out:

Do everything you can to expose yourself to other ideas and beliefs. I assume that if you recognize you’re in this type of situation and want to escape, you already know that you disagree with the beliefs that are being forced on you at some level. But it’s important to further educate yourself where possible and figure out your beliefs. Figuring out what you believe and being committed to it is key in being able to stick to leaving your environment. If you know you disagree, but you can’t articulate why you disagree or what you believe and you aren’t committed to your beliefs, you will be very easy to convince that you are wrong and you will be very easy to manipulate.

If you’re on tumblr reading this, you probably have access to the internet, so use that to your advantage. Research things, read articles, and involve yourself in discussions. If you struggle with internet access, you can read books, magazines, and newspapers at your local library and potentially even join clubs through your library or school. Not everything you learn has to be political or about religion. Reading and learning will broaden your horizons, give you concrete interests outside religion, encourage you to learn about things that make you uncomfortable, etc.

If you are involved in a religion that has a text, read it critically and read nonreligious analyses of it. You don’t necessarily have to agree with these analyses, but thinking critically about the text you’ve been raised to take as complete fact will help you realize what you actually believe.

Find others who agree with you. In high school, I had a couple of friends at church who were “rebels” too, and we’re still friends to this day. We moved on together, and it really helped me be able to get out because I wasn’t doing it alone.

If you have to physically leave to get away, make sure you have enough money and have a backup plan. If you leave and are forced to come back for any reason, leaving again will be infinitely harder. If you leave, make sure it can be for good. It doesn’t necessarily have to be permanent, but if you come back it has to be on your own terms and not out of necessity.

Don’t get yourself kicked out and be safe no matter what.

Some resources I think are helpful:

Find an LGBT Center (US only) - LGBT centers are incredibly helpful for issues that go beyond being LGBT+, and if you’re eligible to use them they can be a great resource

The Trevor Project - LGBT+ resources and crisis lines

Tumblr post describing what to do if you’re homeless - It’s from Tumblr, so take it with a grain of salt, but it seems like pretty solid advice.

How to leave a cult - Very basic guide, but has some good advice.

Quiz to help you figure out your political beliefs (US based, but has some other countries as well) - I’d suggest taking this a few times as you develop your beliefs, and I’d also suggest clicking “more questions” as many times as possible in every category to ensure that you cover a broad range of topics.

How Ideology Colors Morality - about how morality frames US politics

Ethics - a good place to start when looking at different ways of analyzing ethics. My high school ethics class is a huge component in why I questioned my own beliefs. Ethics is an eye-opening topic.

List of all the religions - exploring different religions and belief systems helped open my mind to new ideas and ways of thinking about the world

If you want me to help you research something or find resources for a specific situation, feel free to message me or send me an ask and I’m happy to help (you can also ask me other questions, my asks and DMs are always open!)

And as always, if I made a mistake or linked a bad resource, please feel free to let me know so that I can correct the issue ASAP. I always try to do my research thoroughly, but things can slip by since I am but a human. Thank you!

#cptsdstudyblrreligion #cptsd #ptsd #trauma #religious trauma #religious abuse #religion #christianity #fundamentalism #ex fundamentalist #cult #ex cult #fundie #ex fundie #ex christian #christian

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illimitablespaces · 3 years

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1,8,9,10,25,63,70,135 c:

1. a book that is close to your heart

There have been many books that have found room for residence within my heart but two came to mind, both from my younger years. The first is Stellaluna, by Jannell Cannon. I still remember the day--in kindergarten, as I recall--when I picked up the book at one of those "book days" which seemed to come around every month or so in grade school. I was ecstatic. It remains a much-loved book from those ever-important foundational reading years. The second, A Dragon in a Wagon, by Lynley Dodd, was read to me by my grandmother many times when I visited her home. Somewhere, there is a photograph of her and myself reading it together. So, these two books are close to my heart for quite sentimental reasons.

8. a book you finished in one sitting

I remember when my copy of Ted Hughes' Crow first arrived by mail and I sat in a high-back chair in the sitting room of my parents, devouring every word. It is a small book of verse but I was transfixed by the mouthfeel of the words and the way Hughes got my heart to jump and race that afterward I felt quite spent. It was a most enjoyable and delectable read. Now I wish to do it all over again!

By the way, there is a recording I made of my recitation of one of the poems from that book...

9. your favourite book of 2020

Now, does this mean a book published in the year 2020, or a book which simply happened to my favorite of that year? In any case, I must cite a series of books here, as there is too much goodness to narrow it down to one book alone. There is a series (which actually comprise one work, Iḥyā′ 'Ulūm al-Dīn, or, The Revival of the Religious Sciences) by Al-Ghazali which has caused me to examine my life more critically than any other writing I have encountered. The translations from this series (which I provided in the link) seem to me most timely and apropos. My suggestion is to follow the link and seek out one of the books, whichever inspires your curiosity, and read it for yourself.

10. a book that got you through something

As much as it can be said to be a book, I am compelled to put here the Qur'an, especially the interpretation by Muhammad Asad. In brief, I did not exactly have a religious upbringing: I was baptized a Catholic before I could speak but never have been confirmed. I considered myself agnostic, then atheist, then I came back to the Gospel on my own in my teens. I rarely went to church in my youth but I had a post as organist in a Catholic church for some eight years after I graduated high school. Those days playing organ and singing in choir were often affirming and beautiful and sometimes sublime (especially the midnight masses on Christmas and Easter with the chant and Latin and wow!). And now, in my thirtieth year, I have been a decided follower of Islam for about two years. I have been reading the Qur'an for some six years and I have been learning of the religion along the way. I say with certainty that some (i.e. all) days the only thing that gets me through to seeing another morning is the remembrance of God and the contemplation of His attributes.

25. a book by your favourite author

It is always difficult for me to choose favorites as I seem to have such an array of diverse authors and works from which to choose. For the sake of providing an answer, I will select Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton. As a child I remember first reading that book when I was about ten years old and I read it again multiple times in my teen years. I read quite a few books by Crichton when I was younger but I think now that I'm older they won't have quite the same effect. Still, I have fond memories of hours spent reading his novels and becoming very much engrossed in those worlds of words.

63. a book that actually made you laugh out loud

Now that I have set myself to answering these, I return again and again to those books from my youth which I recall with much pleasure and amusement.

I remember reading many of Roald Dahl's books and finding them utterly hilarious. A few years ago I read aloud from Esio Trot with my partner and the funniness was almost too much for us--I like to perform an interpretive reading when I read aloud, complete with all sorts of inflections and character voices. Which reminds me, I should have another go at something like that.

70. your favourite poetry collection

Oh dear, this is a tough one... I have a copy of the complete poems of Federico García Lorca with many bookmarks (little scraps of paper; impromptu), dog-ears, and bits of underlining that has been the source of much joy and inspiration. In part, I think the sheer voluminous number of poems from García Lorca's pen is staggeringly rich that it dazzles me to imagine it coming from one man's life--my impression is that many ages and lives are bound in his work and I admire it greatly.

On the other--another?--hand, the complete poems of T. S Eliot are also a source of joy and inspiration to me as well. Since reading his work seriously with my partner, I look upon Eliot as a kindred spirit of sorts... there is a certain course of energy which I sense in his poetry, something humbling yet quietly exalting. Each time I read a poem of Eliot's, I am reminded of something Stravinsky said about Eliot being quite a wise man, and I agree.

135. recommend any book you like!

I will give two titles, since that is a theme I have kept up here.

The first is Isaac Newton's Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica. I have not read it in full but what I have read (in translation) is beautiful. I am delighted in discovering that the things taught to me in school and at my time in university have proven to be quite useless, often. The short of it is that Newton and his work were always presented to me in an elementary and somewhat condescending manner. Getting to know a work for one's self is truly gratifying and it has made me more eager than ever to acquire, read, and learn whatever it is about which I may be curious.

The other which I will recommend to you is the Book of Optics, by Ibn al-Haytham. I don't think I have ever been more fascinated and amazed by a scientific text than when I read from this one (again, in translation). My only comment is to follow the link and read at your own discretion and pleasure.

Thank you, @ant-soul, for sending these my way. It was truly enjoyable for me to ponder and provide answers to you and all other Dear Readers.

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prome-th3us · 3 years

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This post will be kinda personal, but I'm here cause I want to create a safe space for all the witches/pagans sooo I guess I can open up a little.

NB Please don't take this as me crying over myself or being like "i got the worst experience". I know that some people went through worst things, that's just how I lived my "transition" and anyway, I don't really care anymore about those things, I got over it 😂

Why did I end up being pagan? My family is catholic, my grandma is the most devoted, but I got baptised and I did all the other rites. I didn't really understand what's the meaning of religion when I was younger but I was happy to be Christian and I was always praying to God, cause I was thaught he was listening to me and that he would have answered. Well, that didn't happen.

When I was like 6/7 yo I was bullied at school, both from teachers and children, and I kept asking for help both to my parents and to God, but nothing changed. This kept going on for years and I was already realizing that I couldn't count on God and then, when I was 9, my grandpa got sick and my family was telling me to pray for him because God would have saved him and that he would recover and be healty again, so I kept praying but he died anyway.

At that time I didn't realize that obviously God would never save him because he was ill and it was his time to go and now I know it, but the smoll girl I was, was just thinking about all the lies and that after all nobody never payed attention to her prayers, so I started believing that there was nothing on the other side at that religions in general were just a scam.

For years, every time I was hearing about some religious matter I got angry and kinda pissed off, but when I was 14, in my first year of high school, idk why but one teacher started talking about neo-paganism and I got pretty interested so I started buying book and doing researches about ancient texts and different pagan religions.

I felt in my stomach that I needed more, that it was the right path for me, that Christianity wasn't the only thing out there and that I didn't have to stick to it or being pissed about it.

When I turned 15, I decided to actually stick to that path cause I knew enough about it to know it was the right thing to do and I thought it would be cool to try a little spell and asking the Gods to help me: am I doing the right thing? Is this my path? (noted: that book said it was a prayer, when I started studying witchcraft I got to understand it was actually a lil spell). I was terrified of being ignored another time and to feel betrayed again, but I did it anyway and that night I dreamed Loki: I haven't seen him again for years after that night but thanks to him I knew this was what I was supposed to do and I realized that he was always around, that I wasn't alone and that he was the one that got me the courage to get off the bullies-situation. After years I actually got the confirmation that I could "see" him when I was little but I though he was like an imaginary-friend and that he's my patron, but that single dream already meant the world to me.

#lokean #witchcraft #paganism

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whattaloser · 3 years

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Why I’m a Leftist

I know I’m probably just some dude who reblogs cool stuff to most of my followers but I’ve got a nice long story/rant about my political beliefs here that I’ve been wanting to write for awhile

I am a leftist first and foremost because I value human life. Everyone matters. No person is inherently more important than another person. Everyone has inherent rights that should not be infringed. People who infringe on other’s rights are morally wrong to do so. In essence my leftism is based on doing what is right. Obviously everyone has their own opinion on what is right but what is vitally important is knowing why your moral code is right. This is why so many people become liberals or conservatives or otherwise rather than leftists. They simply do not know enough about how the world works. There are a lot of reasons they don’t know, not the least of which is intentional covering up history and preventing education. I don’t believe people who aren’t leftists are stupid, but I do believe leftists know more. It’s kinda fucked up but it’s the only way you can explain inconsistencies in other’s values.

My path to leftism was full of cringe. When i was 7 years old Al Gore was running against George Bush for president. I did not know enough to have a real opinion on it but I am happy to say that I wanted Al Gore to win. This thought was based on very little if any logical reason. I basically flipped a coin in my head I think. Or maybe there was some outside influence that I wasn’t aware of, like my older sister who I looked up to might have said she liked Al gore. Either way, from then on I was in favor of democrats and did not like George Bush. When 9/11 happened I remembered thinking how dumb it was that people lined up around the block to get gas. Even as a child I knew that some buildings going down wasn’t going to end the great nation of the United States. In general I thought the United States was a great country. I knew from movies and tv as well as elementary school history that the United States was the most powerful country in the world.

I recall in Sixth grade my teacher mentioned she liked George Bush because he was against gay marriage. Somehow at the time my opinion was the opposite despite being raised Catholic. I believed in god until I graduated high school and suddenly my desire to be religious slipped away and so did my belief. I do not consider this a great loss.

Sometime in middle school or early high school I had solidified my opinion that the war in Iraq and Afghanistan was pointless and George Bush was a bad president. I was heavily influenced by movies and somewhat by video games that had imparted plenty of anti-war messages. Talks with my dad about nuclear missiles, watching History channel shows about world war 2, and playing Metal Gear Solid which had explicit nuclear disarmament messages, all informed me on the horrors of war. This was not enough to make me totally anti-military. In high school I wanted to join the military because I thought it was an easy way to get life experience and eventually pay for college. I was attracted to the Marines because of how cool movies like The Rock and video games like Call of Duty made it seem to be a Marine. I thought they were the best of the best. I was simultaneously against war, against veteran worship, and very pro-military. I was indoctrinated by years of government propaganda but also disillusioned by all forms of media including the book All Quiet on the Western Front which was about a soldier becoming disillusioned by witnessing horrors of war and the negative impact it had on everyone in his country. I spoke with a recruiter during my senior year and expressed my desire to be a Marine but I told him I wanted to wait a year after high school so I could get physically fit enough. The recruiter did not care that I was underweight and out of shape. He didn’t even care that I was very enthusiastic about joining, he was still putting on his best salesman demeanor which made me incredibly uneasy. The experience is supposed to pressure people into signing up on the spot, I think they even had forms for me to sign (i can’t really remember though) but I was not ready and was aware enough how I was being manipulated although not entirely cognizant. After that I no longer wanted to be in the military.

I also have to point out that I grew up in an unstable household. My parents were both loving but they were flawed and made mistakes and had problems. My dad was a typical Gen x man’s man. A little bit too emotionally repressed, but actually really good with kids when it came to play time and still is. He worked a lot because my mother couldn’t. My mother has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder as long as I can remember. Her medical bills related to her problems combined with other financially bad decisions by my parents caused my home life to be fraught. I lived in varying degrees of poverty until my parents separated and me and my siblings moved with my mother to her parents’ house away from my father. Prior to moving though, we endured great financial difficulty. We were unable to afford school lunches but could not apply for free or reduced lunches because technically my father made a lot of money, however it was all garnished for medical bills. My father always tells about how he bought a car that had hidden frame damage and when he attempted to sue the dealership for selling a bad car he lost and was garnished for that as well. Despite making over 25 dollars an hour in 1999, my father could not afford school lunches for three kids and couldn’t afford to pay the gas bill. Without going into too much more detail, life sucked and continued to suck until I graduated, at least financially. I still found plenty of joy and it wasn’t always that bad. We still found ways to have good things like video games and we could always rewatch old movies but there’s a lot of psychic weight that comes with being that poor as a child and I’m sure it affects me and my ability to empathize with others who in bad conditions.

So i watched a lot of movies and documentaries, read a lot of books growing up, discovered internet forums at the age of 11, played video games, moved to a town that had a very large Hispanic population, and I even grew up poor. All of this life experience turned me into a very average liberal upon graduating high school. I was a very optimistic 18 year old. I thought science could save the world. If I was 18 today I would be an average redditor stereotype probably. The point here though is I still wasn’t a leftist. Only vaguely progressive and full of optimism. This is when I got sucked into the anti-feminist pipeline.

I can’t remember what exactly what I had going on in my life but I remember it was around the time of Gamergate. Everyone on the internet, celebrities, and pop culture were saying “if you believe in equality between genders you’re a feminist” an did not like that. And there was a ton of people online to tell me I was right in not liking that. They all said feminism was not necessary anymore because legally you couldn’t discriminate against women and I agreed. Gamergate made it worse for reasons too complicated to get into in this already long post but suffice it say I was “pro Gamergate.” This put me at odds with my closes friends who thought feminism was great and had no qualms with it, and were already embracing the idea of being a “social justice warrior.” Despite reading all kinds of anti-feminist think pieces and reveling in the discourse, I was still very progressive and liberal minded person. Still thought the military was bad, that black people were discriminated against etc. But so many aspects of anti-feminism were appealing to me as a white guy who tried their hardest to do what they’re told is right, had low self esteem, undiagnosed adhd and depression, and a fundamental misunderstanding of what feminism was. Two things got me out of anti-feminism though. The first and most important thing was having friends who were patient with me about it. I didn’t reveal how into anti-feminism I was because I was ashamed but they could sense it and pushed back when they could. The second thing that got me out of it was actually finding feminists online and reading what they had to say, staying away from poorly written clickbait articles that fueled misogynist tirades against feminism. After reading and learning from feminists it finally clicked. Our society is patriarchal and that affects how people interact with each other regardless of what is legal. Many of the complaints of anti-feminism talk about how men have it in society, so how can society be patriarchal. It’s because of patriarchy that men are put in bad positions. Some of the more self aware anti-feminists had retorts against these ideas but they were emotionally charged. There’s still some anti-feminists I have respect for because of how well prepared and logical they were when it came to disputing feminism. But when it came down to the fundamental tenants of feminsim all they could respond with was anger or outright denial of reality. (If you’re like I was and don’t understand how anyone can thing modern feminism is good please feel free to ask me more, I just can’t get into specifics in this long ass post) Anyways, once you understand patriarchy and how it affects an individuals actions then you can start seeing how other institutions and cultural norms can affect an individual. This is basically fundamentals of leftism. I’d say about 90% of my path to leftism was just naturally absorbing cultural and historical information through consumption of media. The most conservative people I know are people who haven’t read very many books or seen very many movies. I’m not saying watching Austin Powers at the age of 10 will make everyone a leftist but constantly recontextualizing the world by learning something new, even if you learned it from some dumb comedy movie, can give you better grounding in a shared reality. Don’t know how to end this but I want to say when I was a teenager I thought “communism is good in theory but it doesn’t work in practice” and I had almost no historical basis for it other than the vague notion that USSR = bad despite having consumed a massive amount of media. None of it taught me what communism actually was, I didn’t know who Karl Marx was, and I had no clue why communism in the USSR failed. You can know a lot without knowing the truth so if you’re struggling with a loved one who is mind poisoned by conservative keep in mind that they know a lot but they’re missing something important to give clarity.

This has been my Ted Talk

#rambling #rant #Leftism #Conservative #feminism #anti feminism #Communism #Media #I definitely did not accomplish what I wanted to with this lol #Someone please clap #uwu

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bunnygirl330 · 4 years

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𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚋𝚘𝚛𝚗 𝚜𝚒𝚌𝚔, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝙸 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚝;

pairing: ander muñoz x omar shana, background guzman nunier osuna x nadia shana

genre: angst, fluff, future au

word count: 6.3k

warnings: internalized homophobia

summary: Ander's grandparents are coming to visit for the first time in 7 years, there's just one problem. They're Catholic and unaware of Ander's relationship with Omar. Ander is hoping that he can get through the week without them finding out and without him losing his temper.

a/n: The title of this comes from Take me to Church which I know is an old song now but I've always loved it and I felt like it really applied here. This fic is only edited by me so all mistakes are my own, please let me know if you find any so that I can fix them.I have seen a lot of fics about Omar coming out to his family because that's what they focus on in the show but I thought it would be interesting to see Ander's perspective of coming out to someone who wouldn't be as accepting as his mother.It was also really important to me to show someone accepting Ander (which in this case was Mateo) because I think a lot of the time Catholics (or any other badly portrayed religion) get a bad reputation and it's important to remember that not all strictly religious people will be unaccepting. AO3

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Ander had never dreaded anything more in his life than he was dreading this next week. He’d graduated high school, he’d got a degree, he’d even helped Omar come out to his parents but nothing was as bad as this. Ander hadn’t spoken to his grandparents in almost 7 years, except of course for the occasional phone call on is birthday and Christmas, but this was different. They were coming to stay for a week and there was absolutely no way he could avoid them for that long.

Ander’s grandparents know absolutely nothing about his life, they think they do, but none of it’s true. They didn’t go to his wedding, well they had never been invited, they thought he was single, much to his grandmother’s dismay, and Ander couldn’t stand the thought of having to keep up that charade for a whole week.

“Hey,” Ander snapped out of his trance as Omar’s arms snaked around his waist and he relaxed into his touch. “still thinking about next week?” Omar asked cautiously, knowing the impending visit was becoming an increasingly touchy subject for Ander.

“I can’t help it,” Ander whined “every time I think about it it makes me want to be sick!” Omar spun Ander round to face him,

“Listen, I know that this is difficult, but if we got through three years of a relationship without my parents knowing, then we can go through one more week of pretending.” Omar was trying his best to soothe his husband but he knew at this point that it was basically useless.

“But I thought we agreed we wouldn’t pretend again, not after all the shit we went through with your dad.” Omar gave Ander a look of sympathy as he pulled him into a hug, “Ugh,” Ander sighed “why do my grandparents have to be fucking Catholics?” Omar chuckled as Ander continued to grumble into his shoulder.

———

The next week came around far too quickly for Ander’s liking and before he knew it he was lying in bed with Omar dreading the next morning when his grandparents would arrive. Ander was spinning his wedding ring round on his finger so Omar could tell he was nervous.

“I don’t wanna make you feel any worse but you do know you’re gonna have to take that off when your grandparents are here right?”

“Oh my god, I didn’t even think about that!” Ander said as he dropped his head into his hands with a groan.

“It’s not like it’s just you. I can’t wear mine either, do you really think I’d be your roommate if I was married?” Ander looked up at Omar with a dejected look on his face.

“You must realise that that doesn’t make me feel better. All it does is make me feel as if we’re going backwards.” Ander looked as if he was about to cry and Omar felt a pang in his heart as he looked at his face, “To your parents I was your roommate for three years and I don’t know if I can do that again…” Ander trailed off as the tears began to fall from his eyes and his head fell onto Omar’s chest.

“I know…… I know,” Omar whispered as he started stroking his fingers over Ander’s soft curls, “but you heard what Azucena said, her parents are almost eighty and if you told them now they might end up dying from the shock.” Omar’s attempt to lighten the mood earned a small giggle from Ander but it sounded more like a hiccup because of his crying. “Plus you’ll still have me there, I won’t be gone. And you’ll have Guzman and Nadia. We’re here for you Ander. I promise.” Omar leaned down and kissed his hair. Ander looked up and kissed Omar, gently at first but then Omar opened his mouth and deepened the kiss. Everything would be alright, Ander knew that, because he had Omar, and nobody could ever take that away from him.

———

The next morning was a flurry of activity. Nadia and Guzman arrived at 9 to help them set up and Ander’s grandparents were due to arrive with his mother at around noon. All pictures resembling any sort of romantic relationship between Ander and Omar were taken down and hidden in the airing cupboard, all of Ander’s belongings were moved into the spare bedroom and Nadia had cleaned the entire apartment from head to toe by 11:50, Guzman had tried to help her but gave up after half an hour as Nadia saw him as more of a nuisance than a source of aid.

The four of them stood surveying the apartment, Ander had a look of complete helplessness on his face.

“It just looks….. empty.” Ander said. Of course, he didn’t mean empty in a sense of a lack of furniture and objects, they were all still exactly where they had been. What Ander meant was that it seemed empty of happiness and love, as if by taking pictures off the wall they had stripped his and Omar’s house of the very thing that made it their home. For Ander that wasn’t even the worst part though, he kept touching his ring finger expecting the cool metal to be there but each time was instead filled with a sense of dread. Omar and Ander had put their wedding rings back in their boxes earlier that morning and he felt as if a small piece of his soul had been put in the box too. Ander felt like he was about to break down but was interrupted by a knock at the door. Nadia and Guzman went to sit on the couch as Omar spun Ander to face him, gripping his shoulders tightly.

“Hey, listen to me, it’s gonna be okay. It’s not like they’re staying here so you don’t have to pretend all the time, it’s just a few hours. Besides, I’ll be right here the whole time.” Ander quickly pecked Omar on the lips and then tried to muster up the best smile he could as Omar joined the others on the couch.

“Grandma! Grandad! It’s so lovely to finally see you again.” Ander hugged his mother, shook hands with his grandfather and then finally came face to face with his grandmother, the source of all his nightmares over the past two months.

“Ander, honey, it’s been too long!” His grandmother exclaimed pinching his cheeks with excitement. Ander plastered a smile on his face and replied,

“I know it has Grandma, I’m happy you’re finally here.” his grandmother gave his cheeks one last squeeze and then released him.

The four of them made their way over to the living area where Nadia, Guzman and Omar had been awkwardly waiting, not entirely sure what to do amidst the family reunion. The three of them stood up to greet the guests, all giving Azucena a warm hug and shaking the hand of Ander’s grandfather. As his grandma approached Guzman her face lit up,

“Oh, Guzman, it’s so lovely to see you! I can’t believe you and Ander are still friends after all this time!”

“Mrs López, it’s lovely to see you too.” Guzman said politely as she pulled him into a hug.

“Oh don’t be silly, call me Camilla. I’ve known you for too long for you to still be calling me that.” Camilla looked over at Nadia - who was stood closely by Guzman’s side - with a slightly odd look on her face. “And who’s this?” She directed the question towards Guzman rather than Nadia herself much to Nadia’s annoyance, but she kept it hidden well.

“This is Nadia, my beautiful wife.” Guzman stated with a fond look down at her as he wrapped his arm around her waist. Nadia smiled towards Camilla and extended her hand.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ander’s told us so much about you.” This, of course, was a lie as Ander preferred not to speak of his grandparents, but she didn’t need to know that. Ander’s grandmother simply pursed her lips and nodded towards Nadia leaving her to awkwardly drop her hand back down to her side as Camilla’s hands stayed clutched to her small handbag. Ander, of course, had anticipated this as it was difficult enough for Camilla to accept that him and his mother were atheists and even without her hijab Nadia was clearly not of Spanish or Catholic descent. Still, it hurt Ander to see that his grandmother hadn’t learned to put aside her prejudices yet.

Now it was the moment of truth as Camilla approached Omar, Azucena and her father having already greeted him and sat down on the other end of the L-shaped couch. Camilla’s lips became a fine line as she slowly looked Omar up and down,

“And you are…?” she said slowly as Omar shifted uncomfortably under her gaze.

“I’m Omar, Nadia’s brother.” Omar said, refraining from sticking out his hand after her reaction to Nadia and deciding to stare down at his feet instead.

“Why does that qualify you to be here now? This is a family reunion for Ander, not Nadia, not even Guzman.” Camilla’s tone was becoming harsher with every word that came out of her mouth and Omar realised that he’d clearly used the wrong relationship to introduce himself. Ander could feel the tension building in the room and quickly moved to stand beside Omar clasping his shoulder in his hand as he did so.

“Grandma, Omar is also my best friend and my roommate. Remember? I told you about him on the phone when you called to say you were coming.”

“Hmm.” Was Camilla’s only reply as she stalked past the two of them to sit between her daughter and husband. As Ander moved to take a seat next to Omar his grandmother carefully cleared her throat and Ander moved to sit between her and his mother instead.

Camilla made small talk with Ander and Azucena for the next 15 minutes occasionally stopping to ask Guzman a question but blatantly ignoring the other two people in the room. At one point Nadia got up to start making lunch as she had offered to do the day before considering Ander couldn’t cook to save his life, Azucena offered to help but Omar stepped in instead clearly feeling uncomfortable in his current situation.

Lunch was ready 45 minutes later and the seven of them sat down to eat. Nadia had cooked Tortilla Española and patatas bravas in order to keep things traditionally Spanish for Ander’s grandparents.

“Guzman, your wife can cook very nicely.” Camilla said, ignoring the sour look on Nadia’s face that the compliment had been directed towards her husband rather than herself. As if somehow being married to Guzman made her just another part of him, but Nadia said nothing knowing they were here to support Ander.

“Why don’t you have a wife by now Ander?” Camilla turned to look at him with a slightly smug look on her face at her own ability to turn a conversation into something she was interested in. Ander had been dreading this all night, he knew it was bound to come up and yet he prayed that the further they got into the conversation the less likely she was to bring it up, oh how wrong he had been.

“Maybe he’s just waiting for the right person darling.” Ander’s grandfather piped up for basically the first time since they arrived, clearly happy to let his wife do most of the talking.

“Mateo hush, Ander can speak for himself.” Camilla snapped back at her husband.

“I’ve just been focusing on my career right now Grandma.” Ander spouted the pre-prepared lie out of his mouth before the other part of his brain could make him say something stupid. Something like, ‘I am married and I just never told you. Oh and also I’m married to a man.’ because as much as he wanted to say it he knew deep down that it wasn’t the right time, that it was never going to be the right time.

“And I’m sure that’s very good for you darling but my friend happens to have a granddaughter moving down here and it would be lovely if you could meet up with her. She’s very pretty, and I know that you’re not Catholic but it might be nice to see why it’s not such a bad thing to believe in God, despite what your mother may have told you.” She directed the last part of her sentence towards her daughter, the smug smile having returned to her face. Ander gritted his teeth to prevent himself from hurling his plate across the room towards his grandmother, he thought that he and Omar had gotten past all of the arranged marriages with Yusef and Iman but apparently his grandma also thought she had the right to decide who he married. He sighed, he couldn’t let his anger get the best of him, there was no way he’d be able to stop if he started so it was better just not to start.

“It’s very nice of you to offer Grandma but I think it’s better if I find someone on my own.” Ander said with a quick glance towards Omar who had a small smirk on his face, clearly he found this more amusing than Ander.

“But-” Camilla started to retaliate but was quickly cut off by Azucena.

“He said no, okay mum? If Ander wanted your help with his love life then he would ask.” Camilla turned back towards her food with a deep scowl and the four 20-year-olds had to suppress their happiness at Camilla being told to back off, especially Nadia who was beginning to get a sense of deja vu from her own parents before they knew Omar was gay.

Lunch continued in silence and not long after Azucena stated that she would take her parents home considering they’d had a long drive and that they would be back again tomorrow, Azucena and Ander having taken the week off work in order to spend time with Mateo and Camilla. Everyone stood to wave off the three of them and then Ander slammed the door shut after them with a sigh of relief.

“Well that was the longest three hours of my life.” Guzman stated, making the other three burst into laughter considering they all felt exactly the same way. They went to sit back on the couch, Nadia and Guzman intertwined on one side and Ander resting his head on Omar’s chest on the other. With this Ander turned towards Nadia with the intent of apologising for his grandmother’s behaviour but Nadia was too quick and knew Ander too well.

“Ander please don’t start apologising. It’s not your fault that your grandma is a little….. old-fashioned.” She said, trying to find the right word.

“I know but she was just so rude to you. To both of you.” Ander said turning his head back to look at Omar, “I feel like I should’ve said something….” he trailed off staring between the three of them.

“Ander don’t worry about it honestly.” Nadia said gently and then proceeded to move the subject onto something else.

Nadia and Guzman stayed for the rest of the day, the four of them chatting and watching films until they left at around 9.

As Ander gently closed the door behind them Omar came up behind him, spun him round and pushed him into the door Omar’s lips quickly coming into contact with his own as they kissed deeply.

“I’ve been dying to do that all day.” Omar said staring at Ander, his pupils blown with lust.

“Oh yeah?” Ander said with a smirk on his face as he wrapped his hands tightly around the back of Omar’s neck.

“Yeah.” Omar whispered into his ear as he bit down on his earlobe and started kissing down Ander’s neck eliciting small moans from Ander.

“Omar?” Ander moaned out.

“Yeah?”

“Take me to bed.” And so that’s exactly what Omar did.

———

The next few days went by in a whirlwind. Azucena and Ander were taking his grandparents to all the local landmarks, meeting up with several of their upper class friends, including Guzman, much to the delight of Camilla, especially since Nadia wasn’t able to attend that particular meet up. They ate in fancy restaurants while Ander filled his grandparents in on everything that was happening in his life, but of course leaving out the bits that included his marriage to another man. Every night Ander would return to Omar and their small apartment counting down the days until his grandparents went home.

It was three days before Camilla and Mateo were due to return home and Azucena had an emergency to deal with at Las Encinas so it was just Ander and his grandparents. Ander felt less uncomfortable than he thought he would as they sat down in a beautiful restaurant that his grandmother had been very insistent on coming to. He was actually beginning to believe that he might get through this week without everything going to shit and that was something he would count as a miracle.

They ordered their drinks and Camilla whispered something to the waiter before starting up a conversation with her grandson about his job. Camilla knew that Ander was focusing on his career, and she was incredibly proud of him, but at the same time she couldn’t help the sense of dread she felt whenever she thought about his lack of a wife. She wasn’t quite sure where the dread came from but she knew that she needed to make it go away and the easiest way to do that was to get Ander a wife, or at the very least a girlfriend. At that moment Camilla noticed Liliana approaching the table and a huge smile spread across her face.

“Liliana you look beautiful! I’m so glad we got to see you while we were here.” Camilla had stood up and pulled the girl into a warm embrace at the same time that Ander looked up to see who his grandma was talking to. Ander started to feel as if there was an alarm ringing in his ears and a voice in the back of his head telling him to run, but he couldn’t. He just sat there stock still and unable to move, looking intently at the woman in his grandmother’s arms.

“Ander, this is Liliana, the girl I told you about at lunch on Sunday. Liliana, this is Ander, my grandson.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Liliana said looking nervously between Ander and his grandmother. Ander looked over at Mateo who appeared to be as shocked as he was at this woman’s magical appearance at their family lunch.

“Umm, you too.” Ander said reaching out his hand. As angry as he was right now he didn’t want to seem rude, after all it wasn’t this poor girl’s fault that his grandmother appeared to know nothing about boundaries.

“Sit, sit.” Camilla said, ushering Liliana into the empty seat at the table, which happened to be beside Ander, before sitting back in her own.

For the next 90 minutes conversation flowed between Liliana and Camilla, the two of them occasionally looking at Ander but he remained silent, consumed with rage. He didn’t understand what made his grandma think that she had the right to do something like this, how she could possibly believe that it was ok. Not only was she wasting his time but this woman’s time as well. More than anything he just felt anger, towards his grandmother, towards this woman (even if she didn’t necessarily deserve it), towards this whole fucking restaurant.

“Ander darling, you’re being rather rude. You haven’t said more that two words to Liliana since she sat down. She manages this restaurant you know? She’s taken time out of her day to come and have dinner with us.” Rage surged through Ander at Camilla’s words, at the insinuation that out of everyone here, he was the rude one.

“Grandma, I’m sorry but you must be joking right? I told you on Sunday that this wasn’t something I was interested in.” A deep frown took it’s place on Camilla’s face as Liliana sank back slightly in her seat, feeling more than uncomfortable. “I told you but you didn’t listen.” Ander hissed, his voice rising with every word. “I cannot believe you!” He shouted, standing up from his chair, “I’m sorry,” he said towards Liliana, “but I’m not looking for a relationship right now let alone a wife.” and with that Ander stormed out of the restaurant and started walking quickly back towards his apartment, back towards Omar.

———

Ander stormed into the apartment slamming the door angrily behind him as Omar looked up from the pan he was hovered over, clearly planning to make dinner and assuming that Ander wouldn’t be back yet. Ander was cursing under his breath as he began to pace around in the space between the living room and the kitchen.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Omar asked as he tried to get Ander’s attention.

“My fucking grandmother tried to get me a wife that’s what’s fucking wrong!” Ander knew that his anger was being misdirected towards Omar but he couldn’t help it, he just wanted to hit something. Omar felt rage boil up inside him. How could she do something like this? Omar hated when people made Ander angry, or sad, or just any sort of negative emotion really. It wasn’t fair that just because his grandparents had certain religious beliefs that they felt entitled to make him get married. Omar could feel old feelings coming back from almost four years ago, before he’d come out to his parents, only now he felt them on Ander’s behalf. But that wasn’t what Omar needed to focus on right now, he could see Ander’s rage slowly turning into tears and he knew that he needed comfort. Omar pulled Ander into his arms and they stood there like that for 20 minutes while Ander cried into Omar’s shoulder and until both of their legs began to ache.

“Hey, come here. Give me one second.” Omar deposited a still sniffling Ander onto the couch and ran quickly into their bedroom and ran out a few seconds later with their wedding rings in his hand. On Sunday, being unsure of when Ander’s grandparents specific daily visits would be, Ander and Omar had decided to leave their wedding rings off until Camilla and Mateo had returned home, which had, for obvious reasons, made Ander even more depressed.

“Here.” Omar took Ander’s left hand in his as he sat down on the couch next to him. Omar placed Ander’s wedding ring back onto his finger and then brought his hand up to his lips and kissed it gently. “You don’t need to worry about your grandma finding you a wife, ‘cause you already have a husband, and I have no intention of letting you go.” Ander now had fresh tears in his eyes as Omar caressed his cheek gently. Ander silently took Omar’s wedding ring out of his hand and slipped it onto his finger, kissing Omar’s hand in the same way Omar had kissed his. Omar then cupped Ander’s cheek and pulled his face towards his own, their lips crashing together in a mixture of love, passion and tears. Ander felt his heart swell, he knew everything would always be okay, as long as he had Omar right there by his side.

———

The next day came far too quickly and before he knew it Ander was being ripped out of his blissful sleep by a loud knocking on the door.

The night before, after the two of them had calmed down, they’d had a quiet night in, eating the meal Omar had cooked and watching movies together until Omar had fallen asleep with his head on Ander’s chest.

Ander shook Omar awake as the knocking persisted and the two of them stared at each other. Confused and still half asleep Ander stumbled around grabbing a pair of jeans and a shirt and then ran towards the door, opening it with a pissed off look on his face. He came face to face with Guzman and Nadia who were looking at him sympathetically, as if he was a turtle who had landed on his back and couldn’t get back up.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Ander continued to stare at them as Guzman just laughed and pushed past him into the apartment.

“Relax man, we heard about your shitty day yesterday and brought you breakfast.” Guzman said, as if that was a good enough explanation for why they had interrupted Ander’s sleep, and on a Saturday of all the days, he didn’t even need to be awake for another 45 minutes.

“How did you even know about that?”

“Omar texted me last night and told me.” Nadia explained as she busied herself making breakfast and slapping Guzman’s hand away every time he tried to grab food. Ander spun around to look at Omar who had now appeared from their bedroom still rubbing his eyes in an attempt to wake himself up. Omar just shrugged and smiled sheepishly as he made his way to the kitchen to take over from Nadia as everyone knew Omar could make better waffles than Nadia ever could.

Once breakfast was ready the four of them stood around the kitchen island eating and listening as Ander once again recounted the horrors of his previous afternoon. Nadia was enraged at the idea of Camilla trying to find Ander a wife but that wasn’t particularly surprising considering she wasn’t Camilla’s biggest fan. Guzman however, found the entire situation absolutely hilarious saying he could just picture Ander’s face, which only made him laugh more. Omar tried very hard to keep a straight face but couldn’t help joining in and eventually Nadia did too, because if you really thought about it, it was quite funny. Ander was obviously and (mostly) openly gay so the idea of him being faced with a woman that wanted to marry him was far too funny for Guzman to comprehend.

On the other hand Ander failed to see the hilarity of the situation and stood there staring at his friends and his husband with a look of disdain on his face. He was about to start yelling at them to shut up when there was a rapid knocking at the door for the second time that morning.

“Who the fuck is here now? It’s only 9 o’clock in the morning can people not leave us in peace?” Ander grumbled as he made his way to the door and swiftly opened it to reveal his stony faced grandmother on the other side, Mateo and Azucena in tow.

Camilla walked past Ander and straight into the apartment stopping to stand in the living room and stare disapprovingly at the three adults clustered around the island in the kitchen. Mateo quickly followed and Azucena stopped to greet her son.

“I’m sorry.” She said “I tried to stop her but she wouldn’t listen.”

Omar, Guzman and Nadia had all stopped laughing and were now staring awkwardly anywhere other than Camilla, unable to look her in the eyes without bursting into a second round of hysterics. Eventually Ander made his way over to his grandparents with his mother trailing after him, he gave the other three a look telling them to stay where they were and to stay quiet.

Ander came to a stop in front of Camilla as Azucena joined her father on the couch. Ander’s hands were clasped nervously behind his back and he was staring intently at a particular spot on the floor. However Camilla just stood there staring straight at Ander with her lips pursed and her hands clasping her tiny handbag in front of her.

“Listen, Grandma-” Ander started.

“No you listen.” Clearly the patience had been a front to try and start the conversation. “All I was trying to do was find you a respectable wife without you having to do any of the hard work. I wasn’t even expecting you to marry her but you could have at least gone on a date, or tried to get to know her. But no! Instead you storm out of the restaurant like a little child, I mean, you’re 25 years old Ander, you could have at least had the courtesy to tell us all why exactly you refuse to date anyone.” Ander took a deep breath trying to process the whole of his grandmother’s rant without hitting something.

“Grandma, I know this is hard for you to understand but people don’t get married as young as they used to anymore and I’m trying really hard to build up my career before I take on the responsibility of another person in my life.” He hadn’t come this far to give up now, he was going to stick to his lie and if she didn’t like it then she was going to have to live with it. At least it was possible for her to live with this, which was more than could be said for the truth. Camilla took Ander’s hands in her own and looked up at him. “I know honey, and I know you’ll have a fantastic career but-” The smile and softness that had appeared on her face after Ander had said his explanation suddenly vanished as she gripped Ander’s left hand and looked down at it with an unreadable expression on her face.

The next ten seconds seemed like ten years as Ander pulled his hand from his grandmother’s grasp and swore profusely as he saw his wedding ring still on his finger from the night before. He’d gotten so used to wearing it that he didn’t even notice it anymore. Omar, who realised immediately what had happened, quickly shoved his left hand behind his back having also forgotten to remove his ring. That being said Omar wasn’t sure what use that would do now considering at this point the truth was inevitable. Guzman and Nadia stood staring at each other utterly confused. Azucena also swore as she put her head in her hands and Mateo just sat there with an oddly smug look on his face.

But Camilla…….. she just stood stock still, stunned into silence and unable to speak.

“You’re wearing… you’re wearing a w-wedding ring.” That was all she could manage to say as she stumbled backwards and landed on the couch next to her husband.

Guzman froze and Nadia looked quickly at her brother as it dawned on them both exactly what had just happened.

Ander felt defeated. He’d been lying to his grandparents for almost a week and for what? The truth came out anyway, he might as well have not bothered. But the one thing he knew right now was that he had to sort this out, he had to be honest. So with a new plan in mind he walked slowly and kneeled on the floor in front of his grandparents, looking up at them with eyes a mixture of happiness that he no longer had to lie but also anger at what he was going to have to do and at the inevitable reaction. Ander was about to open his mouth but Camilla beat him to it.

“So……. you’re married.” She stated, a blank expression her face. “Well at least now I have a proper reason as to why you didn’t like Liliana. But what I don’t quite understand is why you felt the need to lie to me. Is she not Catholic? Because that doesn’t bother me. And when can I meet her? Is she away? Will she be back in time for me to see her? Is she-”

Ander cut off his grandmother with a large sigh as he tried to get himself together. “That’s not it Grandma, okay? She’s none of those things, in fact, she’s not a she at all. I’m gay.” Ander said those last two words whilst staring his grandma right in the eye and then looking to his grandad. It felt so good to finally say it and for them to know. Mateo had a look on his face that Ander hadn’t expected. It was pride, happiness, almost. Camilla however looked white like a ghost. She was staring at Ander unable to speak, or move, or even breathe.

Ander quickly stood up, jogging to the kitchen, grabbing Omar’s hand and pulling Omar back towards his grandparents with him.

“Omar is my husband. We’ve been together for almost nine years and we got married two years ago and if you can’t accept that then I don’t want you in my home. In our home.” Ander stood defiantly staring at Camilla and Mateo with a huge smile on his face. He no longer cared what they though or how they reacted as Omar squeezed his hand and looked at him with pure love and admiration.

“Well, in that case I think it’s best if we leave.” Camilla said standing and avoiding Ander’s gaze before making her way to the door. “I’ll be waiting in the car and we’ll be leaving once we’ve collected our things. I can’t believe you knew about this Azucena.” She hissed out her last sentence and with that, she was gone. It wasn’t as if Ander hadn’t expected that exact reaction but it still hurt and he felt a shot of pain in his chest.

“I’m sorry Mama.” Ander said as he turned towards Azucena who pulled him into a tight hug.

“Shhhhh. It’s okay. It’ll all be fine.” She whispered as she stroked her sons hair and squeezed him tightly. “I should probably go and talk to her.” Azucena made her way towards the front door, grabbing her coat, and making her way out of the apartment. It was now silent. Omar wanted to hug and reassure Ander, as did Guzman and Nadia but the three of them were all put off by the presence of Mateo who was yet to leave, however the reason for his remaining presence was unknown and it was something that was making Ander increasingly nervous with every moment that passed.

Mateo stood slowly and made his way over to Ander. He then wrapped his arms around Ander’s form and hugged him. Ander was in shock as his grandfather was never one to hug him, or anyone else for that matter.

“I’m proud of you.” Said Mateo “I know how hard that must have been for you especially considering our religion portrays us as not particularly accepting people but I’ve had time to come to terms with it and to understand it.”

“But……. how?” Was all Ander could manage now that his grandad had released him.

“Well I tried to ignore it at first, all those years ago, but it gets to a point where some things are hard to ignore. The way that you two were looking at each other on Sunday, that was a look of love, not friendship. I expect it was easier for your grandma to ignore it, people tend to ignore the things that they don’t want to see. But don’t worry, she’ll come around eventually, it just might take her a while, that’s all.” Mateo reached his hand out towards Omar and Omar shook his hand gently, still shocked at Mateo’s speech, “It was lovely to meet you Omar, I’m glad that you make my grandson as happy as he is.” and with that he was gone.

“What the actual fuck just happened?” Was the only thing that Ander could come up with at that moment. The other three just shook their heads, not sure what to say about the old, Catholic, white man having just accepted his gay grandson.

Of course, Guzman was the one to break the silence saying, “Well, it could have gone worse.” which, for some reason, made them all burst into laughter.

“Hey,” Omar said having regained his composure and turned towards Ander, “you did it. You came out to them, now it’s up to them. They have to decide what they want to do, and if your grandma can’t accept it then that is not your fault.”

Ander couldn’t find any words so instead he just grabbed the back of Omar’s neck and crashed their lips together. The kiss was getting deeper and deeper and Guzman and Nadia felt extremely awkward.

“Okayyyyy, I think that’s our cue to leave.” Nadia said with a hint of a smile on her face as she grabbed Guzman by the hand and dragged him out of the apartment.

Meanwhile Ander had grabbed Omar’s waist and started walking backwards towards the bedroom, their lips still interlocked. They entered the bedroom and Ander felt the back of his knees hit the edge of the bed just before he fell back on it, Omar quickly climbing on top of him. Omar was about to start kissing him again when Ander put a hand on his chest to stop him.

“I love you.” Was all Ander said as he stared into the beautiful hazel of Omar’s eyes.

“I love you too.” Omar replied before he began to kiss Ander all over again. This, this was all Ander needed. He didn’t need his grandparents, he didn’t need a wife, he didn’t even need a job because the only thing that truly mattered to him was Omar and as long as Omar was here, with him, then everything would be perfect, always.

Thanks for reading! Like, comment and reblog! <3

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wezbyathread · 3 years

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I am Confusion

There are only two things that anyone really needs to know going into this. I'm white and I'm Christian. If we wanted to be specific, I'm exactly half Dutch, and the remaining stuff is a fun concoction of various other European countries, most of which is German. My father, apparently, didn't have it in him to continue the pure Dutch lineage (and neither did either of his brothers). In terms of my faith, I have been a devout Lutheran since I was a child. That is not to say that I haven't been exposed to different denominations. My parents divorced when I was young, which just about killed my Baby Boomer Grandparents. My dad was raised Baptist or Methodist, I can't quite remember, and after separating from my mother, gravitated towards a non-denominational setting. My mom, on the other hand, comes from a strong line of proud Lutherans.

When my parents were still together, we went to my grandmother's church. Zion was huge. Members numbered in the high thousands, the sanctuary had three isles, and they had four separate services throughout the weekend to accommodate everyone. When I was little, this did not bother me. My grandparents were highly respected, integral members, and, by extension, so was I. I was there every day of the week, if not for church on Sundays, then for kindergarten, or my sibling's basketball games, or my soccer games (with orange slices and everything), or I was visiting the graves of my older brother and my cousin, or it was summer and I was participating in the extravaganza that was VBS. All of this to say, church from the ages of 0 to 5 or 6, was quite literally my second home. That is until my parents divorced and it was forced to become my third.

From the ages of 5 to 10, I experienced some serious religious growing pains. Not only did I have to adjust to only seeing my dad on weekends, but now I had two different churches, with parents that took two different approaches to the faith. As I said above, my dad was only Lutheran for my mom's sake. He's not a particular dude, so this wasn't really a big deal for him. So when he married my step-mom, they found a church that better suited their combined beliefs. Well, okay, they searched for a church that better suited them. We cycled through a lot over the course of my childhood. Ultimately though, they settled for a non-denominational church that was drastically different from the hymnal/creed/sermon formula I was used to.

My mom, on the other hand, stayed true to Lutheranism. We moved to be closer to her job, which meant finding another church to call home. I grew up in St. Louis, which fortunately meant that I could throw a rock in any direction and it would probably hit some sort of Lutheran church. We settled at one for a number of years before we all collectively decided it was no longer the right fit for us. (I'll be honest, at 9 years old, I was partially motivated to "find a new church" by the fact that everything about it was boring. Leaving one could mean that I didn't have to go for a couple of weeks). Our decision to leave led us to Epiphany.

Epiphany, for lack of better phrasing, was a God-send for me. I was a shy kid, I am a shy person. I do not approach people of my own volition. But the kids at Epiphany did not have this issue. In the words of my younger brother, "they didn't act like they didn't know us." They immideatly welcomed us into their little group, and we quickly became the tightest knit circle of friends I've ever had. I was quickly enrolled in the three-year confirmation class held on Wednesday afternoons, and was effortlessly folded into the spirit of the community. I have never clicked anywhere as well as I did with the people of Epiphany, and I will forever be thankful to God for the family He gave me with them.

When I became part of that community, church became something more. I started listening to my Pastor's sermons because he wasn't some stranger, he was one of my best friend's dad. My input in bible studies became valuable, my opinion valued. I wanted learn and to understand.

Long story short, church has always been a huge part of my life, and it is the source of some of my greatest comforts in life as well as my biggest struggles.

Here's the thing, I also grew up in a single school district, one that was extremely liberal. So, in direct contrast too my religious background, at school I was taught to be an ally to the LGBTQ+ community, to stand against injustice, and fight for equality. To summarize my political views, let me just say that I have been heavily involved in musical theatre since 6th grade. And I'm on Tumblr.

I stand by these political beliefs and my religious ones. I'm a proud Democrat and a proud Lutheran (or as I like to call it Diet Catholic). But then I read the Bible, and I have no fucking clue how to make sense of anything.

What seems like common sense to me, is expressly forbidden. For so long, I told myself that it was not my place. I am unable to condem someone because I am a sinner myself. I am no better than any other person around me. I am not inherently righteous just because I happened to be raised in the faith. None of us are. A person's sin is between them and God, and an outside party (maybe with the exception of a Pastor) has no place to throw in their two cents. And this works great, until Jezebel has to swoop in at the last minute and has to fuck everything up with her sexual immorality. All of the sudden, I must repent for simply "tolorating" it.

Any discussion of homosexuality in a church setting makes me extremely uncomfortable because I am so afriad that I'm going to say something that has me thrown from the premiseses. Because God forbid I say that LGBTQ people are valid in the eyes of Jesus. I have also found that this is one thing I refuse to bend on. I know that, if it comes down to it, I will choose basic human decency over identifying as Christian.

I am not a confrontational person. I am not an activist, but every day I wish that I was. To quote John Mulaney, " I need everyone to like me so much." Which, unfortunately, means that I probably won't ever build the courage to actually say stuff that matters. It will always be one of my biggest regrets that I am not as outspoken as I should be.

Well this turned out to be much more of a rambling mess then I intended it to be, but I have an assignment to finish and I really don't feel like editing.

Thanks for sticking around,

Wez

#christianity #lutheran #lcms #confused #foodforthought #please anyone start a conversation with me #america explain #self awareness is both a blessing and a curse #children of divorce #waiting on my high five #if anyone understands that reference I will be your friend forever

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lampmeeting · 4 years

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what are your headcanons for magnus's backstory? i really enjoy picking apart underdeveloped villains to see what makes them tick and building up backstory that Explains why they do the shit they do and... you seem to also have many thoughts about magnus

ohhh!! yes i have thoughts! :D i still haven’t delved super in-depth into his past but here’s some VERY LONG messy, rambly stuff that’s like partially ideas i’ve had already and partially things i’m pulling right out of my ass (seriously this is long i’m sorry haha)

first big thing is that his dad was a really loving, warm person. just a big tall friendly dude, kind of a free spirit, also a veteran (fought in korea maybe? i think that timing would work out if magnus was born in the early 60s). he died in a motorcycle accident when magnus was like 9 or 10. maybe magnus was on the bike with him but survived, not sure how sad i wanna go here. his mom, who had always struggled with depression, fell into a really dark period and magnus tried to be there for her but he was just a grieving little kid. :(

he has an older half-sister from his dad’s first marriage, and she was about 17 when he died and then left the family because she couldn’t deal with it (i don’t think magnus really reconnects with her in any significant way until after dethklok kicks him out).

i’m lifting this straight from marc maron but he’s jewish since his mother was jewish. his mom wasn’t religious though (at least when he was younger). about a year or so after his dad’s passing, though, his mom meets a man through her job and ultimately marries him. magnus’ step-dad is just...awful. very strict catholic. very controlling of his mom. the guy has magnus baptized shortly after the marriage. magnus goes through a really intense satanism phase in his teens as a way to rebel (this is also when he gets into metal - it’s the mid-70s so alice cooper and black sabbath are his faves). even as an adult magnus has a weird, complicated relationship with religion. he’d call himself an atheist but he has periods when he’s more of a misotheist and then other periods where he’s, like, afraid of god. it’s all very complicated.

after high school he decides to enlist in the army just like his dad did. he has no fucking idea what to do with himself so he thinks if it worked for his dad, it’ll work for him. wrong haha, he hates it. he picked up smoking and drinking in his teens, but the army amps those vices up to 11 and he starts experimenting with drugs too, mostly acid. surprise surprise, he gets in trouble for buying shit off-base from an undercover cop, and he’s dishonorably discharged. :O

his step-dad doesn’t allow him to come live back home after that, and his mom just defers to him now, so magnus spends a while living out of his truck. it’s a bleak time. he’s in his early 20s. all he’s got is his car and his guitar and a few other possessions. starts busking. for him, it’s humiliating work. spends most of his money on cigarettes and alcohol. somehow he ends up gigging at a local dive bar and gets a job washing dishes in the back. over the next few years he’s in and out of various bands, but he never really saves enough money to get a place. it’s kind of his weird secret, that he’s still living in the truck. he has a few relationships with various people, some bandmates, some fans, one coworker. they only ever last a couple months or so until they get too close and magnus starts itching to be by himself again, even though he’s miserable alone. but that’s preferable to having someone in his space all the time, knowing his business.

it’s during this time, too, that he picks up his heroin habit from a bandmate (that’s why the band dissolved, they all got addicted) but he tells himself he’s got it under control (the mental gymnastics with this man...). eventually he decides he’s done with bands, he’s just gonna play solo since he’s obviously more talented than anyone he could possibly play with. makes a pretty good name for himself, plays some local events, has a few solo albums that do all right, but no mainstream attention or anything.

it’s pickles who reaches out to him when magnus is in his early 30s (it’s like 1994 or something). wants to know if he’s at all interested in going back to his metal roots because they just had to get rid of their previous lead guitarist due to heroin addiction. magnus admits he’s interested, comes to a practice session. the guys are all phenomenal, and magnus sees some serious dollar signs. dethklok starts getting huge pretty quickly after that. they ditch their older manager at magnus’ insistence that he’s holding them back, and pickles knows a guy and gets him on board (hello charlie!). they all buy into a huge apartment so they can live and practice in the same place. there’s talk of a recording contract. everything’s looking up, even if they’re all starting to bicker behind the scenes.

it’s around this time that magnus hears from his step-dad that his mother died. a month ago. it was a lovely funeral, but he didn’t want magnus there due to his history with drugs, didn’t want him to make a scene and “act crazy”. after that magnus begins to slip. his addiction and depression spiral. he’s blowing up at people left and right, feels out of control. the only thing he thinks he can control is the band, and his grip tightens hard. he butts heads with pickles quite a bit, who definitely suspects something bad is up with him. magnus fears there’s talk of getting rid of him, and his paranoia makes him try to assert even more control.

finally we reach That Night. we know what goes down. magnus finds himself kicked out with his gear, homeless again, face busted. he gets in his truck, shoots up, goes for a drive for a while, feels good. when he comes down, though, he’s furious and his face fucking hurts and he wants to fucking kill something. he drives back to the apartment, finding everyone either out or asleep. he makes a move for nathan’s bedroom door, intent on finishing the job, but he doesn’t. and then he just gets pissed off at himself, wrecks up the place, and drives away again. he keeps telling himself he should just drive off the road and end it, but he doesn’t, and when he crosses state lines into new mexico he realizes he’s been driving to his half-sister’s house this whole time. they’d talked occasionally over the years but not much, but the moment he knocks on her door she takes him in with no questions asked. he doesn’t want any doctors so she just tends to his face as best she can, and when he starts to detox she looks after him. his sister makes her living as a reiki healer and is super into crystals and meditation and stuff, so while he’s living with her she tries to help him get his energies all aligned and whatnot hahaha... she’s also a recovered addict so no alcohol or drugs in the house. it’s a really weird time for magnus, but it’s good too. he probably ends up living with her for a few years, just keeping a low profile, playing guitar, trying to heal from shit.

dethklok gets huge very, very quickly. he tries not to pay attention but soon enough he’s seeing billboards for their album and tour, interviews on TV, magazine covers. a documentary comes out on MTV about the history of the band, and there’s a whole section about magnus with photos of him and people talking about how angry and controlling he was. they interview the band, people he played with in the past, old flames. his sister says she was approached for it, but she declined to comment. magnus is distraught, and almost overnight every time he goes into town for anything someone recognizes him and gives him shit (or worse, recognizes him and wants him to tell them all about dethklok). he gets things thrown at him, gets his tires slashed, gets approached for sex but only because of his connection to the band. dethklok fans at this point are getting even more zealous.

he has a really bad night and considers just shaving his head and beard so he won’t be recognized, but he can’t bring himself to do it. he starts drinking again, hiding it from his sister, and eventually just leaves in the middle of the night without a word. calls her in the morning when he reaches a stopping place, apologizes, confesses he’s off the wagon. she wires him some money, a pretty significant amount, and tells him to get an apartment and take care of himself. magnus, surprisingly, does just that. he feels it’s the least he can do to repay her kindness.

he still drinks, but i don’t think he gets back into drugs until he starts doing the rock camp thing years later. being around those old washed-up musicians and being “ex-dethklok guitarist magnus hammersmith” makes him feel like shit, even if the money is good, and most of these dudes are still using. heroin’s not chic anymore, though, it’s all about pills.

the assassin knows exactly what he’s doing when he shows himself to magnus on the anniversary of his mother’s death. offers him a chance to take his life back, to help change the world, to make sure dethklok gets what’s coming to them once and for all. magnus had all but given up hope on ever escaping from their shadow, but this...the assassin makes some sense, so in the middle of the night he agrees, and in the morning he finds an address scrawled on the wall in blood. and the rest is history i suppose. :’)

#magnus hammersmith #i've been plugging away at this for a while sorry it's so long again ahhhhhh #some of this might change eventually i dunno!!#this is what i've got right now though #tw suicide #just in case #this gets a little grim :\#i mean this is magnus we're talking about #my writing #and-die-in-the-west

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quinnmorgendorffer · 4 years

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because i need to get this out here somehow...hopefully the cut works so you guys don’t feel obligated to read this lol

church was always a part of my life growing up, i know i’ve talked about it on here before. i know i’ve mentioned getting “saved” at recess and going to church lock-ins. i’ve mentioned missing some of the christmas traditions our church did, like ending on “silent night” in only a candle-lit worship hall. but religion has just a much heavier part of my life than i’ve talked about.

my family wasn’t always the best in attendance until i was around nine. to quote arrested development “i don’t want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn’t help.” but actually, yeah, i blame it all on 9/11. we went to a vigil the night of the attacks and suddenly every sunday my sisters and i were woken up to go to church.

i didn’t mind all of it. i liked being an acolyte when i was one on the first or last sunday of the month - first sunday was communion, which we helped with, and the last sunday was the “noisy offering”, where we went around with buckets to collect change for one charity or another. i liked singing in the children’s choir. i never cared for the sunday school or youth group stuff as i grew older and people i enjoyed hanging out with in my age group left our church to join different ones for various reasons. my parents had to deal with the multiple youth pastors we had over the years telling me and my sisters that, basically, believing in evolution was a sin. my parents were NOT okay with that since they, you know, actually believe in science.

i don’t regret all my time in church, though, if only for the music. i still love and miss the songs. it’s how i got my first solos, where i got to test performances at the annual variety show. i had a really bad relationship with my high school’s choir director, but i could always count on getting compliments and praise and love from my church community every time i sang. it was something that really kept me going when i felt very untalented.

when i was 13, i got to join the adult choir because the music minister thought i was good enough, which i was so proud of, because normally you had to be in high school before you could join, but i was asked early. and i even got to sing the soprano solo in fauré’s requiem, my first ever classical solo (which is funny to look back on now seeing as my voice is nowhere light enough to do that piece lol anymore lol). i would practice with the children’s choir every hour on wednesdays, then wait the half hour for the adult choir practice. the children’s choir didn’t perform every week, but the adults did, and we used to do two services every sunday, so i’d wake up early to sing at the first one, go to sunday school, and then go to the second service, where we would normally leave before the sermon started. eventually we went down to just one service (no pun intended but thank GOD for that). eventually i was asked to be the song leader for at least three years of vbs (vacation bible school, a summer camp for kids, normally some over-the-top story being taught through videos). i may have been asked/done more, i can’t remember for sure.

outside of church, my family wasn’t super religious - most of us, most of the time. my dad still had some hang-ups about gay marriage due to what i have to say is religion, because i don’t think there was any other reason. we’d say grace whenever my grandfather came over for dinner, and sometimes during our own bigger meals when he wasn’t there. it used to be a thing with my sisters (and my mom, i think?) when we’d go to bed that we’d say something about “don’t forget to say your prayers”. oh and at one point, when my sister and i expressed a desire to not go to church, my dad said he was worried we’d go to hell. that was fun.

all of this to say that.....i remember doubting a belief in god a lot. as i’ve grown older, i still haven’t been able to figure out my beliefs. i find it hard to believe there’s a god when there’s all this suffering, but i also find it, well, depressing to think that there ISN’T a god. i feel like it’s not “smart” to believe in god, at least not Christianity, but i’m afraid i’ll go to hell if i even speak that thought out loud. i’ve found comfort in prayer.....

......except, over the years, i’ve developed a bit of an ocd-style relationship with prayer. i’m terrified of flying, enough so i got a prescription from ativan just to help. and though it can knock me out, i always have to say prayers while the plane is taking off, or else i *know* i’ll die/we’ll crash/everyone on the plane will die. because somehow it’s all my fault, you know? it doesn’t leave me calm at all, but it makes me feel like i have SOME control over things. i’ll say my prayers during bad turbulence, too, any time we shake at all.

and i don’t know when i got back in the habit of saying my prayers at night, but i’ve been trying to prayer every night since covid hit. i’m sure i was praying again before that, too. they’re all silent and in my bed, no kneeling or anything. if it isn’t clear yet, i was raised in the united methodist church, so i was taught that we had a friendly relationship with god and could talk to him whenever. very much unlike how i’ve seen all my catholic friends talk about their upbringings. but i always do a silent prayer and then the lord’s prayer, just like how my church would do it.

and, again, it’s been a compulsive thing where i’ll start saying things in a certain order and HAVE to say them in a certain order with a certain wording, some of which i’ve kept since childhood. sometimes i’m spending several minutes just trying to get through everything because i’m falling asleep since it’s so late and i keep drifting off and i feel like i have to start over or something will go wrong.

i prayed so hard for joe biden to win. i’m still praying he can get power peacefully. i pray for the covid vaccine. and i spent the most time every night praying that my family, friends, and loved ones don’t get covid. i specifically list my family members, i try to bring up every group of friends - friends from school, theater, the internet, my rocky group, music, opera, etc. - and pull out specific friends who i worry about the most for various reasons and try to remember to pray for their families, too. i pray for my voice teacher and her family. and for everyone i single out, i have to have a reason for why they’re singled out. i pray for my roommate and her family, and then lastly i pray for myself, and always add that if i get it, my roommate will most definitely get it and vice versa.

so all of this is just to say that my faith has turned from any semblance of faith to something i think i’m holding onto just from anxiety. and i hate this jaded dumb story that they do on sitcoms and the like, that someone’s prayers wren’t answered so they don’t believe in god. that’s not my only reason, of course, but having my sister get sick with something she may not survive has led to me feeling this dumb guilt, like i didn’t pray hard enough, that i was falling asleep during prayers, that i wasn’t being a good christian. and i know it’s not true, but it’s how i feel and i hate myself for even trying to take any blame on top of it and i’m just a mess and i’m so scared.

#this is long and about relgiion #specificlaly mine and christianity #and my anxiety

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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1011

1. Five facts about your current relationship OR five facts about your single life.

a) I haven’t been truly single in...around 6 years, so it’s been a bit of an adjustment.

b) It was my last day as an intern yesterday (but they hired me, so I’m staying after all, haha) and since I’ve felt like I gained a family in the last two months, I thought it would be okay to give professionalism a break and share what had actually been going on with me on my first day on the job, aka when the breakup was still fresh and I was still figuring out how to function all over again. It unsurprisingly surprised everyone and my superior said something like, “Omg it’s the [company name] curse; it’s so strong it broke you guys up before you even got hired” which got a laugh out of me.

c) I’m not interested in seeing other people.

d) Probably wouldn’t be, for a long time. My trust has been irreparably broken.

e) Seeing couples in public has now become annoying. I’m happy for them, but it’s still annoying.

2. Five facts about a past relationship.

a) I’ve known her since kindergarten, but we didn’t become friends till 7th grade and didn’t start dating until junior year of high school.

b) We were legal with her family and her parents loved me and I them. On the other hand, I was never able to come out to my family because she broke up with me before I could be able to do so.

c) She introduced me to vaping.

d) We were never able to truly travel together, which we always planned to do after graduating. The farthest we reached was Batangas.

e) She never knew where she wanted to eat whenever we were out, so I was mostly the one who decided which restaurant we were going to have lunch or dinner in.

3. Five facts about your mother.

a) She has always worked in hotels, which is great because it has always allowed us to get room and buffet discounts, heh.

b) Her family (aka my grandparents, her, and my uncles) struggled financially for a little bit when my grandpa lost his job when she was in college. When her friends would go to fast-food restaurants, my mom would always decline, saying she had schoolwork to finish. In reality she just couldn’t afford anything, and the only money she held was for public transport.

c) She is a little childish considering her age, and I cannot stand her petty tantrums. She was childish even when I was a kid, and I believe my emotional well-being suffered because of that.

d) She has a high pain tolerance and the only time I’ve seen her struggle was when she was getting a tattoo on the back of her shoulder.

e) She is also extremely religious and it especially grinds my gears when she gets hypocritical about it, which is just about all the time.

4. Five facts about your father.

a) He has only ever dated my mom.

b) He grew up extremely poor and at some point his parents actually stopped being able to afford his tuition. Instead of being kicked out, a few nuns who served in the school paid my grandparents a visit and told them my dad would be given a scholarship since he had good grades and it would have been a waste if he got expelled.

c) He was a dancer in high school, knows how to play the guitar, and he also apparently knows how to draw very well. There’s a lot I don’t know about him, considering he has worked abroad my whole life.

d) He breaks or loses his reading glasses once every few months. I know which parent I definitely take after.

e) I have never seen him cry.

5. Five facts about your sibling. If you have more than one, pick one. Or do them all!

a) She had problems crying in school until she was in around 2nd or 3rd grade.

b) She’s in college and is currently taking up digital filmmaking.

c) She’s the biggest introvert I know. I’ve never seen her be willing to do anything silly; not even with her friends.

d) She can’t handle spicy food.

e) Her main interests have shifted from Harry Potter, to One Direction, to 5SOS, and now K-pop. I believe she’s into Seventeen the most.

6. Five facts about your town.

a) The upper part of the city offers amazing views of the Metro Manila skyline, which has recently made the place a kinda popular nightlife destination.

b) There’s a lot of hidden gem restaurants here but because most people spend more time complaining about how far my city is and how difficult it is to get to than actually just making the damn ride over here, the restaurants stay hidden and uncrowded. Their loss.

c) Used to be massively underdeveloped for most of my childhood and teenage years. Now there are several malls and I can easily go to a McDonald’s, Burger King, and Starbucks right outside our village.

d) Because you basically have to drive through a mountain to get to the upper part of the city, it’s not the safest highway and fatal crashes are unfortunately common.

e) The city is known for its suman, except I hate Filipino rice cakes and this actually doesn’t do anything for me.

7. Five facts about your house.

a) It used to have a balcony until we had that transformed into another bedroom. So technically it is still a balcony; it just hasn’t had that purpose for a while now.

b) My mom used a little cheat in our dining room and installed a huge wall mirror. Most people visiting for the first time always note how much larger it made the room (and thus the house) look.

c) I live in a neighborhood where the houses are of the same model and look (think the Squidville episode from Spongebob). That said, balconies are included in all properties. When my parents decided to renovate ours and turn it into a room, so many houses slowly followed suit as well. It was amusing to see it unfold, knowing the idea undoubtedly originated from us. It was like a revolution.

d) We don’t have a gate, which irritates me to no end because it allows noisy neighborhood kids to just march and run around our property. Sometimes they even make it to our carport and backyard, ugh. :(

e) Speaking of backyard, the landscaping for it used to be a pebble mosaic designed to look like a swan. But over the years the quality deteriorated, so my parents to opted to have the pebbles crushed into tiny rocks and embedded onto the ground. I don’t exactly know what this technique is called, but yeah.

8. Five facts about your niece or nephew. If you have more than one, pick one. Or do them all! Skip if you don’t have one. I don’t have any, but I do have a godson so I’m going with him as I don’t want to leave any section blank.

a) He was born sometime in December. I honestly don’t remember when, loooooool. Worst godmother ever.

b) He’s actually one of my first cousins, but I guess my aunt saw something in me and wanted me to be his godson. I’ve been a terrible one, though; I’ve never bought him gifts or money or anything – to be fair, I was made a ninang when I was like, 14 or 15 lmao. But I can definitely make up for it now that I’m starting to earn my own money.

c) He’s the calmer, sweeter version of his older brother. His kuya was a pretty naughty kid when he was his age.

d) He mainly speaks English, as how most younger parents raise their kids these days. He understands Filipino of course, but he mostly communicates in English.

e) The last time I saw him, he was in the middle of a ridiculously adorable interviewing phase where he’d approach anyone in the family and start asking them a series of questions: what’s your favorite color? What food can’t you live without? What’s your favorite subject in school? Would you rather win $1 million dollars or know how to fly? It typically got exhausting after the 25th question, but it was so cute nonetheless. None of us have any idea where it came from.

9. Five facts about your education.

a) I went to a private, all-girls, Catholic school from kinder up to high school, and then moved to a public, co-educational, non-sectarian university for college. It was the very epitome of culture shock, lemme tell ya.

b) Some classes I had in my first school that might be uncommon in others have included penmanship (because my school has its own brand of cursive), environmental education, and I don’t remember what this next class was called anymore but we were basically taught how to write professionally? Like how to write cover letters and resumés and all.

c) My first school is extremely homophobic and went so far as to ‘hire’ spies tasked to check up on who’s been in same-sex relationships, list them all down, and report them to the guidance office so that they can be called one by one and be interrogated, and for the most part, pressured to come out. I don’t know if they still do this, but the younger batches are definitely more vocal and woke now thanks to social media and I doubt those practices would still fly today.

d) My university education was a breath of fresh air. Suddenly people were wearing sleeveless tops, mobs and rallies were a common sight to me, and my instructors were now atheist and not shoving Catholicism and Jesus and salvation down my throat. I loved every single day of it.

e) The most interesting class I took in college was a course called Pornography in Electronic Media, under the broadcast communication department. Getting to tell people I take a class where we sit down to watch porn was such a fucking ride.

10. Five facts about your job.

a) I got hired last Wednesday, but I had been interning for the company for around two months before they extended the offer.

b) I’m pretty much gonna be doing the same things I did as an intern, except I’m now accountable for any boo-boos I make HAHAHAHA. Also, I’m gonna be paid a lot more, obviously, which is sweet. I really thought we interns were severely underpaid considering the work that we help with on a daily basis.

c) My role is going to be with another department which is a little scary because it means the things I learned with the department I actually interned at will be pretty much useless. I’ll be starting from scratch again, but I’m still excited.

d) It’s a work-from-home situation, which is a relief for me because I don’t have to wake up early and I don’t have to face traffic.

e) My job interview for the position was actually a bit of a bomb because I absolutely fumbled with and messed up the first question I was asked; and since first impressions matter, I really thought I lost the gig from the very start of the interview. I made up for it as the interview continued and fortunately was able to break the ice and build a rapport with the team members who spoke with me, and I guess I did enough for them to want to take me in anyway.

For those who are curious, I blanked the fuck out when they asked “Tell me something about yourself that isn’t in your resumé.” Slowest 15 seconds of my life.

#survey #surveys

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richard-nixon-official · 4 years

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On the Music artists names ask game: every single question (unless you don’t want to answer some for personal reasons)

ahhh omg okay

1. Led Zeppelin- 4 turn ons

honestly the only one i know for sure is long hair

2. The Doors- 2 places you’d like to visit

new york city and los angeles

3. Pink Floyd- What are some things that make you sad?

thinking about how time is passing by so quickly and as i look on to the future i think i’m forgetting to enjoy the present and that really makes me sad

4. The Rolling Stones- What’s better, a fling/one night stand or serious relationship?

in my opinion, a serious relationship

5. Jimi Hendrix- Name 8 things that make you happy

my friends, my car, my dog, music, food, summer weather, playing guitar, getting paid

6. The Runaways- Would you say that you are self confident?

kind of. i’m not super arrogant or anything but i don’t hate myself. my relationship with myself is like the one acquaintance you have that you say hi to them whenever you see them but you never actually talk to them

7. Metallica- Do you have any special talents?

my talents are insanely boring, i get very good grades because i can remember stuff easily and i want to be a journalist because i can write a pretty kickass research paper. i want to be a musician but i don’t have a lot of natural talent so it’s going to take a lot of hard work

8. The Ramones- Do you have any pets?

yes i have a dog named eddie, we’ve had him for about 11 years now. he is like my little brother i would do anything for him

9. Simon and Garfunkel- What songs help you get through the day?

at the moment, 5150 by van halen

10. The Beatles- Are you a flirt?

hell no

11. The Mamas and the Papas- Define yourself in 5 words

i think i will leave this one alone because i can’t even think of one word to define myself. plus i would like to be a mystery

12. Blondie- Are you a virgin?

yeah, i know it’s lame

13. Nirvana- Are you an artistic/creative person?

sort of. i think i have a lot of creative energy in my head but i don’t really have a medium to let it out

14. David Bowie- Are you a follower or a leader?

probably more of a follower, i’ve never been a very good leader. i would rather just do my part and let everyone else do theirs

15. Red Hot Chili Peppers- Have you been to any concerts? Which ones?

NO I HAVENT BEEN TO ANY AND IT MAKES ME SAD EVERY DAY!!!! i do have tickets to see def leppard’s stadium tour this year and i want to go see kiss and david lee roth but nobody will go with me so i might not

16. Iron Maiden- Would you say you have a “sexy” figure?

i mean, i think my figure is okay, maybe not super sexy but at least kind of cute. i would probably be nicer looking if i actually exercised but no thanks

17. Guns n’ Roses- Do you do drugs?

no but not because i don’t want to!!!!! i want to try pot and maybe drop acid

18. Motörhead- Are you a totally badass motherfucker?

probably not. i wish though

19. Pat Benatar- Ever been in love?

nope not yet

20. The Who- 2 of your favorite foods and 2 foods you hate

i love mac and cheese and roasted potatoes, meanwhile i fucking hate onions and brussels sprouts

21. Pantera- Did you ever get into a fist fight?

no, the lord has given me strength to control myself so far

22. The Moody Blues- What is your favorite genre of music?

rock and roll!!!

23. Journey- What’s your favorite band?

i have to say van halen. i just love them so much

24. Genesis- Do you genuinely care about others, even strangers?

yes i do, irl i seem like a kind of a bitch but i actually do care about people

25. AC/DC- Name 7 things people do that piss you off

i think i’m a pretty easygoing person in general, but if you’re a bigot i do not fucking like you and i’ll be mean enough to you that you won’t like me either. i also hate when people get mad about shit that doesn’t matter or are mean to people who are just trying to do their job, like retail workers. basically just be nice and you really won’t have any problems with me

26. Paul Anka- Are you a romantic person?

i mean, in the sense of a “hopeless romantic,” kind of. one time at school this guy held the door open for me and i actually started liking him a little

27. The Kinks- 3 of your favorite blogs?

ummm, this is hard because there are so many to choose from! @k2e4 always has good posts, @just-the-left-light-up-skecher and @ginger-ale-official also always have amazing shitposts. all of my mutuals are kings though so even if i didn’t name you, your blog rocks

28. Suzi Quatro- What do you look like right now?

well right tf now, i’m sitting at my dining room table like a gremlin wearing sweatpants and a shirt from my school, i also recently got another haircut so i kind of look like a groupie from like 1977

28. Motley Crue- What are your favorite brands? (Define your sense of style)

i don’t really have a favorite brand, i just look around and wear whatever i like. my style is very basic, usually just a band t shirt with jeans and converse and cool earrings. i’m trying to have more hippie vibes though so i made a bunch of tie dyed shirts and i will definitely be wearing those once i finish them

29. Neil Young- Do you play any instruments?

yeah i play guitar, i’m pretty bad at it though. i’m working on getting better but my progress is really slow at the moment

30. Rainbow- What’s better, day or night?

i like night vibes a lot better, so night

31. Joan Jett- Sexual orientation?

demisexual, but also straight so idk

32. The Misfits- Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

i have 2 piercings in each earlobe and i might get one more. i’m not old enough to get tattoos yet but i definitely want to

33. Janis Joplin- In your opinion, what was the greatest time or era for music?

i think the best time was from like 1965 to 1990, which i know is pretty broad but there was so much good stuff going on in the music world.

34. Deep Purple- 3 of your greatest fears

failure, death of a loved one, and spiders

35. The Tragically Hip- 6 things you want to accomplish

omg i don’t even know if i have six, but i want to go on tour with my band someday. i would also love to release an album, hopefully several. graduating college is also very important to me so i want to do that. i would also love to work for a newspaper or a radio station someday as a journalist

36. Aerosmith- Favorite celebrity? Least favorite?

my favorite is probably either john mulaney or steve carell, they just seem so cool and actually nice. there are so many i don’t like but my least favorite is probably kid rock, he sucks

37. Johnny Cash- Are you a religious person?

not really. i was raised catholic but i don’t really vibe with christianity so i kind of just believe whatever. it’s honestly kind of hard for me to explain

38. The White Stripes- Are you close with your family?

kind of, i love my family but also they get on my damn nerves. i look forward to moving out when i can love them from a safe distance

39. Madonna- Describe your crush

i don’t even have a crush right now!!!!! the only people i like are eddie van halen and john paul jones, who are both over 50 years older than me

thanks for the ask anon

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gcnnerpaxton · 4 years

Text

bri again making a terrible decision. do i need a fourth? no.......... bt here we are anyway. after this i promise im done fr a while bt :/ i lov this lil bitch so here we are........ give this a like if u wld b Down to Clown w him aka plot!

「axel auriant & cismale」⇾ paxton , gunner, the senior radcliffe student’s records show that he is a leo and 22 years old. he is studying film, living off campus and can be loyal, resilient, anxious & indifferent. when i see him i am reminded of curling up in bed for days in a hello kitty comfort shirt, the click of a camera shutter & hand-me-down’s two sizes too big.

pinterest is HERE.

TW’S FOR ABUSE, VIOLENCE, MISSING CHILD, KIDNAPPING, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, AND INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA BELOW!

stats.

name: gunner brick paxton.

age: twenty-two.

gender identity: cis-male.

pronouns: he/him.

sexuality: demisexual.

birthday: july 31, 1998.

star sign: leo.

myers-briggs: istj.

year of study: senior.

major: film.

occupation: librarian.

place of birth: laramie, wyoming.

religion: catholic (non-practicing).

background.

neen jst brought in gunner’s older brother so fr those who read elias’ bio u kno tht gunner is the middle paxton child w eli being the oldest n then they have wyatt who is the youngest!!

they lived at the top of a hill in a trailer in a trailer park neighbourhood in laramie, wyoming so to say the least that fucking sucked for everyone involved

the trailer was so small that all 3 boys ended up sharing a room, gunner and wyatt sharing a bunk bed bc they cldnt fit 3 beds into one room it really was every childs nightmare bt they quickly grew used to it tbh

gunner was always more of an artsy child than invested in sports - though he does enjoy baseball and continued even to this day after their dad made him join SOMETHING in middle school - so he never rly earned their father’s respect, but he was always close with his mom since they had the same calm temperament

DEPRESSION/ANXIETY TW - he also gained a list of mental health issues that their mom had as well, including social anxiety and major depressive disorder - DEPRESSION/ANXIETY TW END

VIOLENCE/ABUSE TW - their father always encouraged pretty volatile behaviour and it caused a lot of physical fights and arguments between the brothers when their dad told them the best way to get over it was to start hurting until someone tapped out, it was just a chaotic and pretty abusive household but no one knew and their mom definitely wasn’t going to say anything about it to their dad - VIOLENCE/ABUSE TW END

MISSING CHILD/KIDNAPPING TW - wyatt went missing on a weekend that their parents were gone because of a trip they won, and things just got worse from there

ANXIETY/DEPRESSION TW - high school was really rough for gunner, his anxiety grew worse as time went on that no one found wyatt, their dad grew more hostile towards them, and their mom just grew sicker, it was rare that she would ever leave her room and if she did it was in fits of random energy where she would do something spontaneous and completely unnecessary to their house as a way of coping - MISSING CHILD/KIDNAPPING/ANXIETY/DEPRESSION TW END

the two years that gunner was at home after elias finally left for school were basically torture and as soon as he could, he was falling his brother’s footsteps in getting out of wyoming to go to school at radcliffe

INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA TW - things are far better now that they’re out of their home situation, but gunner’s going through some more things personally now; the paxton’s were raised in an incredibly religious household, and he’s got some classic Catholic Guilt going on upon realizing that he’s not jst attracted to women n he avoided talking abt it forever/stayed in the closet fr far too long bt he’s sort of come out now in his own way even tho he does still get a bit nervous talking abt it rly - INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA TW END

he’s also ‘dealing’ rn which is frankly funny to think abt bc this man is abt as threatening as a care bear bt money is tight between him and eli all things considering, and with the amount of meds he’s on, plus incredibly frequent doctor’s visits, needing to pay for extra epi-pens, inhalers, etcs. bills add up so he’s cutting back his meds n selling wht he can spare which is . so unhealthy bt thts life in corporate america baybee!

details.

is literally allergic to everything. grass, cats, most fruits, milk, most nuts, bees, latex, probably more i cnt even keep up w them its pathetic

u can catch him n eli strutting around campus w matching epipen holders tht he got them fr eli’s 16th bday JKSDNGKLHSDGLK

if things cldnt get worse he also has quite intense asthma so he carries an inhaler with him at all times

n to make matters even WORSE he frequently has dizzy spells n bad memory problems bc of all the concussions he’s suffered from (about 8-9 at this point) as well as consistent migraines that can b literally debilitating sometimes

awkward n jst a bit of a Weirdo to b frank like if it weren’t fr eli he wld probably have one (1) friend he jst cnt converse w ppl

didnt have any friends in high school so took the time to teach himself rly weird things, knows a fuck ton of magic tricks, can yodel, juggle, solve a rubix cube with his eyes closed in under 2 minutes, just extremely weird and specific things

can honestly b a bit mean/barbaric to ppl he’s not close w/doesn’t kno has told ppl to their face before he doesn’t enjoy talking to them bc he has no concept of social constructs/norms

loves 2 film random things at parties, makes him feel more comfortable at them n he makes short films of them all after

update about his summer away: ended up heading to nyc fr a film internship n actually had a rly good time??? fr once?? jst had a rly nice summer fling after being a bit heartbroken throughout the school year it was jst a rly necessary n fulfilling summer fr him king of getting wht he finally deserves

this also led him to b like . oh maybe i’m Not broken bc he doesn’t realize........... demisexuality is a thing n wld get rly awkward during hookups a lot if hes jst not 100% comfortable w the person so now he thinks hes like a one man machine who actually has some Self Esteem n thinks he can have Sexual Relations all day every day (he cannot)

connections.

ppl who buy off him?? probs wld have to kno him some way hes too scared to sell to Random randoms KJSHDGKLHSDLG

other film majors :-)

some friends………. hes awkward bt he means well…………

a mans he wld Risk It All fr (aka a guy tht gunner actually has a crush on n is Extra Awkward probs a lil mean to bc hes still New to That)

ppl he has a crush on/unrequited crushes either way wtvr floats ur boat

some enemies tbh much like elias he has a temper n he tends to blow up rarely bt it happens n when it does it actually can b quite scary JKSHDGLHSDG

a muse….. mayhaps?? someone he always wants in his film projects

awkward past hook ups maybe some current ones teehee

anything Ur Heart Desires

#ruhqintro #abuse tw #violence tw #missing child tw #kidnapping tw #depression tw #anxiety tw #internalized homophobia tw #yeesh dabs my forehead at all these tw's................#SKLDGHLKSDHGKLSDHGKLSDG

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