#I’m so in deep my brain has given me TWO leverage ideas

[cachow-it]

so unfair I Hab a dream that leverage movei but no leverage movie 😭😭😭😭

[luninosity]

Okay, so, some Falcon and the Winter Soldier thoughts (will have some spoilers) for episodes two and three. General non-spoilery comment first: I feel like these were both *okay* episodes - neither as good as the first, but I didn’t dislike them, either. I’m still really curious to see how we’re going to wrap this all up in three more episodes; it doesn’t feel like we’re halfway done yet!

Okay, more spoiler-y notes below the Read More, not in any real order, just as I think and type. I’ll probably forget some things, but for now, here’re some thoughts...

--I like ep 3 slightly more than ep 2, mostly because of Zemo!

--I actually really love Zemo here (I liked him in Civil War, too): complex, sardonic, enjoying poking at people, a villain we do feel sympathy for even as he’s still sharp enough to remind us that he is a villain. Daniel Bruhl has always done a fantastic job flipping between calculated cruelty, wry humor - the whole “I am a Baron” moment was great - and pain that for him is still raw, about the loss of his family. (Some things’re awfully cliche - look, the supervillain’s playing chess and reading Machiavelli in his cell? really? - but, y’know...sure. Why not. We expect some cliches in the superhero genre, and this is an inoffensive one.)

--also Zemo dancing. That’s it. That’s everything.

--moving on from that: I’m also really liking how they’re writing John Walker. He does have charm, and there’s a certain amount of sympathy - especially as we see him worrying about filling the Captain America shoes, in ep 2 - but we’re also getting this really subtle sense of wrongness about him. He’s clearly vindictive and angry when things (and people) don’t act according to his mental script for them, and he’s willing to use his name and power to do things like get Bucky released...which in context and given our sympathies for Bucky is a good thing, but...it’s also an indicator of his willingness to do what he wants, because he can. (To be fair, Steve Rogers also often did that! - but Steve earned our trust, both in narrative and character. From his first introduction to WWII leadership experience to all the Avengers stuff, Steve consistently acts to protect people, and he’ll also listen if someone else has a good idea or if someone needs to talk, like with Wanda.) So I’m really liking this slow-fuse character development.

--mixed feelings about Sharon. I love that the show’s acknowledging how much she sacrificed for our main heroes, with no reward. On the other hand, she also clearly knew the consequences that could happen; she said as much at the time. The level of bitterness seems like a lot. But I’m also interested in everything we still don’t know about her - if she’s not the Power Broker herself, she’s obviously Up To Something. So that should be fun.

--hey, look at that X-Men location, with Majipoor! Also a nod to Wolverine’s favorite bar there, I think?

--I love heist and disguise plots!

--I also really like Bucky’s having to revert to the Winter Soldier - Sebastian Stan does it so brilliantly, with so many layers of emotion: not wanting to, loathing it, recognizing the necessity, shutting off all emotion and just coldly doing it, hurting but covering it up...just fantastic, and you know I love some hurt/comfort, and this seems like such a great set-up for emotional hurt

--but! this also seems like...a weird plot hole, kind of? Bucky’s pretty famous at this point, right? I imagine the criminal underworld knows he’s been pardoned and deprogrammed, right? or do they assume Zemo, with his knowledge of Hydra, still has some special control over him?

--along the same “this seems like someone didn’t think this through” path, Sam, you’re a professional, turn off your phone on a mission. Oh my god. Face-palmingly stupid - and I think somewhat lazy writing, as the writers plainly needed a giveaway, and went for the first idea they had. Even if it made a main character look incompetent.

--the Flag Smashers and Karli are...fine. They feel very Generic Marvel Villain - not the big space alien type, but the other type, the “I have a personal loss and motivating pain so I’m a little sympathetic but also Clearly Evil, watch me kill civilians so the audience won’t ever find me TOO sympathetic” type. Meh. Fine. Zemo’s more interesting, but...fine.

--Anthony Mackie is such a fantastic actor - every bit of his reaction to the Isaiah Bradley reveal is so good. The anger, pain, frustration, ferocity...heartbreaking. Actually that whole scene is so good - his emotions at discovering this secret history are palpable, and it’s so painful, because we also understand why Bucky would keep the secret - as someone who knows about pain and trauma and being experimented on, and knowing Isaiah wants to be left alone - we feel really deeply for both characters here, and it’s great.

--I actually liked the abrupt swing from the Isaiah Bradley encounter to the casual everyday racism of the cops on the street - is it subtle, no. But it’s not meant to be: it’s meant to be standing up and shouting about how not that much has really changed, and about how pervasive racism is. I know some reviews were all, “this was just too much!” or “too forced!” but...look, it needs to be shouted sometimes for people to hear.

--Bucky’s notebook being Steve’s, oh, ouch, my feelings. If I had the time and energy to write fic...

--(also, if I had the time and energy to write dark!fic: where’re my fics in which Zemo’s implication about the Winter Soldier “doing anything you want” gets played with? what or who does Bucky have to do to keep the undercover charade going? so many Bad Wrong Kinky power dynamics and explorations of consent and what this would do to Bucky’s head, here, and honestly I’d totally read them all, just saying.)

--Sam and Bucky together...I don’t know. This is one of the elements that I’m not actually a huge fan of, but I think it’s partly a personal genre / sense of humor thing that’s not clicking for me, personally, again. Like...

--I don’t find people shouting aggrievedly at each other to be funny? I’m not sure why it is.

--I mean, I get that they’re doing, like, eighties buddy cop movies, but...it got old really fast then, and it’s not something we needed to bring back. It’s not clever, and it’s...well, shouty and annoying.

--(I say this as someone who genuinely likes the first two Lethal Weapon movies...but the significant difference is, I think, we’re also shown in both those movies that Riggs and Murtaugh care about each other. They don’t want to be partners initially, and they don’t get along initially, and they do argue over tactics**...but they immediately feel responsible for each other and act to protect each other even as they argue, because it’s the right thing to do and we’re shown moments of them awkwardly trying to connect, because they both have that deep sense of...protectiveness...that makes them Good People - like, if they learn something that the other person needs to know, they tell each other. They protect each other’s families / love interests. So by the end of the second movie, with that fabulous character death fake-out, Murtaugh’s initial shock and grief is real and powerful and painful, and so is his genuine relief when the worst isn’t true - and it’s all earned.) (**however, they tend to argue tactics *before* jumping in - “is it 1, 2, 3, go on 3? or 3, then go?” And then once that’s established, they go ahead. That makes a difference as far as...well...competence and teamwork!)

--(Sam and Bucky, as far as I can tell, don’t do the above, and just...maybe shouldn’t be working together?)

--I also don’t find grown men acting like my youngest nephew, when he’s having a temper tantrum, to be funny. Staring contests? Random insults? Sulking in silence? Oh, grow up.

--(Also, yes, writers, we see you with the “couples therapy” and “get closer and make your legs touch” and “landing on top of each other as they hit the ground” moments. I, at least, personally, am very tired of...I don’t know that I’d call it queerbaiting exactly, but this idea that we’re supposed to find these moments funny...because why? Because, ooh, they’re two men getting close to each other, physically or emotionally? Why is this a thing we need to draw attention to? Do you think you’re doing some sort of fan service? Please either make Sam/Bucky happen or stop doing this.)

--both Sam and Bucky are highly competent and professional agents, or they should be. They should know how to work in the field - even with people they may not like - and adapt to shifting strategy, make best use of available assets, include people in the plan, etc. I can’t help but compare this to something like, say, Leverage, which also has a team who mocks each other and makes jokes but clearly absolutely respects each other’s capabilities, has a plan going in and tells everyone what the plan is, and adapts (and trusts each other to adapt) on the fly as necessary, and does it all without random insults about someone’s (PTSD-related) staring and “robot brain”.

--one of the very specific moments that bothers me a lot is the ending of the therapy scene (yay for showing heroes in therapy! but also I’m pretty sure she’s...not a great therapist?). Bucky finally opens up and says something real, about his own self-doubt and wondering whether Steve was wrong about him....and Sam just...brushes it off and goes, “we’re done here,” basically. Not only does that feel wildly out of character for former counselor Sam, it feels cruel. I really deeply dislike that moment the more I think about it. Makes me want to scream.

--Sam insults Bucky way more than the other way around. It’s starting to feel very one-sided (it’d be better if more clearly reciprocal, though it’s still not a dynamic that’s my favorite), and again, feels out of character - maybe this is Anthony Mackie’s sense of humor, but Sam isn’t Mackie, and Bucky isn’t Seb, and it reads as...a weird unbalanced power-trip thing to me. And also out of character for Sam, who can be sarcastic (”If you guys eat that sort of thing,” about breakfast, when Steve and Nat have randomly shown up at his door) but that’s not the same as just throwing unprovoked insults at a person who’s trying to recover from trauma, and a lot of those insults seem to center on things that were done to Bucky, that he had no choice in (the staring, the arm, etc), and that feels....it just feels mean, to me. Make fun of things he’s had a choice in / can do something about, if you have to - hair, clothes, liking “old people’s games” like gin rummy or pinochle, not knowing who Beyonce is, I don’t know, there are so many options that aren’t cruel! Do that instead. Let Bucky have a good comeback for once, too!

--the action scenes are action scenes. Also fine.

--Sam might be right about destroying the shield, and the show may even be (unintentionally?) setting that up as the best outcome, but that’s a problem for the future, Sam; get it back first. Also it’s a problem you caused by giving the shield up - did you really trust the government to leave it unused in a museum? You’re not that naive.

--overall, it’s...a perfectly fine show, so far, I think? Solid, and interesting, but not great. I think some of what doesn’t work for me is because it doesn’t work for me personally, as far as the shouty insult-heavy action “comedy” bits that I’m not enjoying, but I think they’re doing what they aimed for with it, so in that sense, I guess it’s working? There’s a lot of really cool stuff around the edges - John Walker, Isaiah Bradley, that Dora Milaje stinger, the bigger world of a history interwoven with racism and superpowers, the chillingly effective use of Bucky’s past - but I wish I liked the central Sam-Bucky relationship more. Individually they’re wonderful - they’ve both had such powerful scenes dealing with family, trauma, and consequences - but I feel like, in the effort to do the buddy comedy dynamic, the writing has just made me really sure that they actually genuinely don’t like each other? To such an extent that if they show any affection / caring / interest in each other in the last three episodes, it won’t be believable. (I mean Sam and Bucky, not Mackie and Seb. Mackie and Seb’re adorable.)

--I just want to think about Zemo dancing some more.

[copperpieceharlot]

Bud I’m sorry to swing into your inbox uninvited like this but my soul is having an OOTS renaissance thanks to your content in the tag and did you say Leverage AU

haha holy SHIT this got Long. but yes. i’ve been. Thinking. (also literally Never feel like you have to apologize for sending me messages. i was Hoping someone would ask me about this. now i have an Excuse to share EVERYTHING ive written abt it :3)

Obviously, Roy is the leader/brains of the outfit. He grew up having some Strong Opinions abt what’s Legal versus what’s Right due to tragic backstory involving the death of his little brother which was definitely SOMEONE’S fault for negligence but since there technically wasn’t any illegal behavior, there were no consequences for it. Also he’s still angry at his dad bc he thinks his dad is also partly culpable (and also also just a dick). He’s the Moral Backbone of the team (alongside Durkon, more on that later) in basically the same way Nate was in og Leverage. He’s actually not the best at figuring out what people want (that’s Haley and, shockingly, occasionally Elan), but once he has that info, he is the absolute best at figuring out the ideal plan of attack to use in any given case.

Haley is still a thief. I mean she maps to Parker almost PERFECTLY. Her dad was a thief & a conman, her mom wasn’t but knew about it and mostly accepted it, but she died tragically in a mugging gone wrong or smth, which made Ian crank the paranoia WAY up and taught Haley to do the same in the name of “safety”. Let’s keep the “Ian is in Trouble and Haley needs money, Fast” which is why she signs on to the first job in the first place. She’s less acrobatic than Parker, tending towards finding (or making) weak spots in security, but she can still make a tumble check when she needs to.

Elan is the grifter who is somehow an Idiot but also not???? It baffles everyone. When he’s playing a part for a con, he’s FLAWLESS, but then the rest of the time he’s just. No Thoughts Head Empty. He probably gets lured in initially because he’s decided to try his hand at being part of a full team, rather than the two-man cons he’s been running that invariably end w his partner conning him as well and stealing half of his take. Also he likes the idea of being Crime Friends. He’s that tweet where it’s like, Roy: “after the heist is over, we split up and never communicate again” / Elan: [about to unveil his Crime Buddies Forever Friendship Quilt Puppets]: “never?”

Vaarsuvius is the hacker/gadget person. They have a Vaguely Snobby Yet Unidentifiable accent, dyed(?) purple hair (nobody has ever seen their roots) and nobody knows who they “really” are or where they came from, but they’re good at what they do so everyone just accepts the mystery. They probably got suckered into the team by their initial employer (who I’ll get to Eventually, lol) framing it as a challenge to their intellect, like, “oh, I see, you’re not smart enough to make this team work for you...” to which they were like Fucking Watch Me and also melted his computer. Anyways. They are joined (digitally) by their Intrepid Friend And Co-Conspirator (his words, not theirs), a fellow hacker known only as Blackwing, or, on certain forums, Blackwing_Bird. (In the first season, V only occasionally references him when saying they’re “calling in extra help” or smth for a particularly complex hack job. He starts showing up a little more in s2 and eventually by the start of s4 is a regular & established presence, but only appears as actions in a computer interface or output.) Elan is convinced he’s an AI, Belkar doesn’t think he actually exists, Haley pretends she doesn’t think he exists, and Durkon and Roy try not to think about it too hard, as long as B and V still get the job done.

Belkar is the hitter. He is on the team bc their initial employer got him out of jail for it. He doesn’t have a tragic backstory, he just likes doing violent crimes. As the series progresses, he grows some empathy & stuff, but really only for people who actually deserve it. Assholes still get decked. It’s all very touching. (Also he has dwarfism caused by achondroplasia. It doesn’t actually bother him and is useful in fights bc his opponents frequently have no fucking clue how to approach him, but he likes Pretending to take offense at stupid things just to see how far he can go with it.)

Aaaand last but not least, Durkon is the least involved member of the team. He’s actually a career criminal and Roy’s mentor, and wasn’t a member of the initial team that [redacted, I’ll tell you later, PROMISE] put together for a couple of reasons, the main one being that he’s Officially retired in order to spend more time with his family, which consists of his mom, his friend (not girlfriend) Hilgya, baby Kudzu, and a truly stunning number of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Roy frequently calls or visits him for advice and he Occasionally shows up to help out on local jobs, but generally he avoids doing crime if he can (as part of a deal with Hilgya, who is also a career criminal; basically, they’ve both cut back on the crime in order to provide a more stable home environment for Kudzu. But sometimes, you gotta do a little crime, and in those cases, Sigdi enjoys spending time w her grandson.)

NOW. THE BIG REVEAL YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR. Who got the team together in the first place?!

The answer: Lord Shojo (or whatever Normal Person Name you want to assign him). Now this is where it gets tricky: he had them do a thing that they thought was good, THEN they thought it was BAD, but then when they confronted him he revealed that it Appearing to be bad was actually a test of character and would they consider working as basically internal investigators for him? But then he had a heart attack, so, rip. But THEN it turned out that he’d left them a bunch of money anyway and they were all feeling kind of Inspired so they formed the Order of the Stick, LLC (which, no, i am not coming up with a new name, actually, because I just don’t care. someone else can come up w a justification for that name, tho, i’m sure it’s possible). Also Miko was there and was unhappy abt their actions, and also their general existence.

Moving on. Villains!

Redcloak is the Sterling replacement, because that DEEPLY amuses me.

Xykon is a season-long main villain, probably one that Redcloak finds himself working for but then “teams up with” (read: blackmails) the Order to bring him down bc even Redcloak finds Xykon distasteful. That’s season 3, let’s say.

Tarquin is another season villain, say season 2. Nale probably shows up pretty early in s1, actually, as another recurring antagonist like Sterling but uh. Less good at it. Anyways the s2 final 3 eps deal with them (accidentally) discovering that Tarquin runs some Evil Empire Company, then trying to outplay him and take him down. Idk if Nale still dies in this version tbh.

Tsukiko is a one-off s1 villain who returns briefly in s4 alongside Miko, who has gone well and truly off the rails.

Season 1 finale has to do w Roy finally getting Vengeance for his little brother.

The vampire squad is the s4 finale villain who do smth terrible to Durkon and then get the Mother Of All Revenge served up to them by the Order.

I envision the show as being 5 seasons (like og Leverage) but I’m not going to sketch out s5 because I think it should be based off whatever happens in the current story arc, possibly involving some legacy of the OotSquiggle.

Other stuff!

The Order of the Squiggle is a legendary criminal team from the 60s who stole a BUNCH of famous shit & then proceeded to legendarily implode. This has no bearing on the plot I’ve sketched out, I just think it’s fun.

The Sapphire Guard members should probably be reworked as FBI. I don’t care about most of them but I do think that Lien and O-Chul could be like, FBI agents who Choose to look the other way while the Order does their very-much-not-legal-but-still-fair Justice Crime, and maybe even help them out on occasion.

So, the Final season-by-season outline, based on everything I’ve written so far:

s1 e1: getting the team together, doing a con for Shojo, then at the end he dies and the gang is like “dang what now?" and intend to split up except then they Don’t.

mid-s1: Nale shows up and tries to trick the Order, but then gets beat like a drum.

late s1: Tsukiko is an underling of the Villain Of The Week, winds up in police custody. But She’ll Be Back.

s1 finale: Roy’s Vengeance: The Vengeaning. also we meet Redcloak as an antagonist.

s2 e1: the truth abt Haley’s father comes out

early s2: The Two Live Crews Job but it’s the Order vs the Linear Guild and the Linear Guild ARE all bad guys.

mid-s2: Redcloak returns. ugh.

late s2: the sapphire guard FBI makes its first appearance, hello O-Chul and Lien.

s2 pre-finale: once again they’re in conflict w Nale over smth, he spends the whole episodes making Cryptic Remarks, they basically beat him (like a drum!) but then the stinger at the end is that Tarquin reveals himself and Elan is like “Dad?!”, roll credits.

s2 finale, part 1: Elan is hanging out w Tarquin bc he’s DEEP in Denial, the Rest of the team tries to take Tarquin down, but it doesn’t work.

s2 finale, part 2: Elan finally gets a clue and they manage to beat Tarquin. still haven’t decided if Nale dies or not, but I’m leaning towards yes. also they rescue Haley’s dad.

s3 e1: fuck dude idk.

early s3: Redcloak shows up, AGAIN, everyone groans. he has blackmail on them, he wants them to take Xykon down.

mid s3: The Rashomon Job but it’s about stealing the Talisman of Dorukan and it turns out that Nale was there too (“oh!” Elan says. “I was wondering why I looked so weird in all those mirrors! But it wasn’t my reflection, it was Nale’s!” “Sweetie, that wasn’t Nale’s reflection,” says Haley. “Huh,” says Elan, “so the mirrors were broken?”, cue eye rolling from everyone else.), and the Successful thief was Hilgya, who’d nabbed it from the owner before it even went on display.

s3 finale: they beat Xykon, actually factually, because he deserves to get his ass Thoroughly kicked, even if only in AU form. Lien and O-Chul are there, so are some other less helpful FBI people. There’s a bit where O-Chul Exact Wordses his way out of telling his superiors about the Order’s less legal activities without technically lying. King shit.

s4 e1: doesn’t really matter. maybe smth to do w some legacy of Tarquin’s company to set up the drama w Malack & Durkon later.

early s4: Durkon gets SENT TO PRISON. Malack approaches the Order abt this because sure they have Different Ethics but they’re still Friends. (Roy is surprised and a little hurt that he’s never heard of Malack, but he ignores that in favor of Let’s Get Whatever Fuckers Did This To Our Friend.)

immediately after that: Miko and Tsukiko return as a Team, preventing the Order from working on the Durkon situation

mid s4: Redcloak makes another unexpected & unwelcome appearance but he’s maybe a little less of a dick? the Order collaborates with Malack & his Crime Buddies (hello, Vector Legion) to pull one over on him tho, because “less of a dick” does not mean “a pleasant or decent person”, and also he was mean abt Durkon being in jail, so he totally deserved it. he still gets whatever he wanted tho, just takes a blow to his pride. also prevents the Order from helping Durkon. they’re having a LOT of setbacks wonder why that could be, not to make sure the season fills its whole length or anything, no sirree

s4 finale: something something taking down the organization, headed by Hel (yes that’s her real name), which framed Durkon for their Big Crime. Durkon goes free and Extra Firmly retires, For Good, He Swears, but says he “met someone new” who might be an asset.

s5 e1: minrah joins the team! and the episode is set in like, somewhere really snowy. that’s all i got.

the rest of s5: don’t know, don’t care, it’s open-ended until the comic finishes up.

[phantoms-lair]

Freaking Out 7

We are completely off the rails here folks

~

Dexter awoke to the smell of chocolate. It took him a moment to collect himself enough to take in his surroundings. He was in a home he didn’t recognize. It was well kept, but the walls were decorated with what looked like childish drawings, with popsicle stick and playdough crafts decorating the walls and shelves.

As he was looking around an older man with bushy eyebrows who looked so achingly familiar came in with two steaming mugs.

“You’re awake.” He said with a small half grin and again Dexter was struck with the feeling he knew him, even if he couldn’t place him.

The man handed him a mug filled with Hot Cocoa. “You weren’t feeling cold, so you couldn’t have been out there for long, but I figured you might want a warm drink anyway.”

“Thank you, sir.” Dexter accepted the mug.

“It’s the least I can do for one of my old students.”

And then it clicked. “Mr. Cosgrove? You shrunk!”

The man chuckled dryly. “I think it’s more likely you’ve grown since kindergarten, Dexter.”

Dexter flushed and took a large gulp of his cocoa to hide it. He was barely knee-height to the man when he’d been in Mr. Cosgrove’s class and always remembered him as a kind but looming man. Now Dexter was fairly sure he was the taller of the two.

The man took a sip of his own drink, his cheer seeming to fade. “Dexter are you okay?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?” Dexter answered a bit too quickly. He had no idea how to explain how his day had gone.

Cosgrove’s expression was stern now. “Kid, I found you unconscious in the snow on Christmas day looking like you’d been crying, not to mention you were so tired you barely stirred when I picked you up.”

The only reason he hadn’t taken Dexter to a hospital was he wasn’t in danger of hypothermia and said hospital would have contacted his parents.

Cosgrove had...suspicions about how the Douglas’s treated their youngest. It was more than obvious they favored their oldest son. Duncan had been allowed to run wild while quiet Dexter was treated just more sternly. Suspicions of that smile that was always on Debbie Douglas’s face that haunted him to this day.

Suspicions that he had been told weren’t enough to act on.

“Are you having trouble at home?” Cosgrove asked seriously. Dexter suppressed the urge to laugh bitterly. He didn’t even know if he had a home anymore. Gutierrez knew where his house was, and he had no idea if his parents and brother were alive or dead. Even if he survived, how long would it be for? Roddy was probably already dead and-

“Cut that out.”

It was a near automatic response that broke Dexter’s thought’s. “Sir?”

“I can see you chasing your own thoughts down a deep hole.” Cosgrove explained. “And that won’t do you any good. I know you haven’t been my student for a while, but I’m still here if you need me.” It felt like there were too many thoughts churning in his brain. But there was one undeniable fact. Dexter needed help, even if it wasn’t the kind Mr. Cosgrove was thinking of. It was at this moment his phone dinged.

Lad, Gutierrrez lied, your family is here. They’re being held in the basement. He hasn’t harmed them yet, likely to use as leverage when he finds us. I’ll do what I can

Roddy was still alive but he and his family were trapped in the enemy stronghold. He couldn’t go back there, but he couldn’t just leave them to die! Should he risk the police anyway? Would they even believe him? Dexter took a deep breath. “Sir, can I ask you a hypothetical question?”

“Only if you’re okay with a hypothetical answer.” Cosgrove half joked.

“If someone you knew was in trouble, really serious trouble, how far would you go to help them?”

“As far as I needed to.” Cosgrove answered without hesitation.

“Even if it wasn’t someone you were especially close to? Or if helping would be dangerous for you?” Dexter pressed.

“Even then. Do you know why I became a teacher?” Dexter shook his head. “Because I always wanted to help people. I grew up on stories of superheroes that would save people and give everyone hope. Of course, you can’t grow up to be a superhero, so I became a teacher.” “Teacher was your first choice in how to be a hero?” Dexter questioned.

“Not my first, I admit. But the best one I found. ” Cosgrove clarified. “So if someone needed my help, no matter what, I’d be there. But that’s just me.”

Dexter wished he could have that resolve. But he didn’t know what he could do without being killed. It wasn’t like he was a super hero or anything.

Aren’t you? A small voice said. Dexter wasn’t sure if it was his conscious or Crazy-him. Look at what you’ve done today

Okay point, but he had no clue how to do any of that stuff, even if Crazy Dexter seemed adept at it. But could he trust Crazy Dexter? Yeah, as weird as it was to say. Crazy Dexter didn’t hurt anyone who didn’t hurt him first and willingly gave control back to him when he thought Sane Dexter could help.

It was the only hope he had anyway.

Hey Crazy me, can you come out? No, of course that would be too easy. He needed to stress his mind. Web pages about stressors popped in his head and instead of trying to block it out followed the rabbit hole down. Top Ten Causes of Stress. Stress Symptoms: Physical Effects of Stress on the Body.  How to Best React When You're Feeling Stressed Beyond Belief.

“Dexter, are you okay?” He heard Mr. Cosgrove’s concerned voice.

“I’m trying not to be. I need to push my mind to it’s limits to freak out.”

Cosgrove watched as Dexter’s eyes snapped open, but they didn’t look the same at all.

“Alright, superhero time!” Dexter jumped up and changed, becoming bigger and blue. “Okay, need a more superhero-y outfit.” he snapped his fingers and Dexter’s shirt, shorts, and jacket were replaced with a red one-piece jumpsuit with white gloves and boots.

“Now I’ll return to Apex Computers and rescue my family and Roddy. Nothing will stand in my way! Oh and thanks for cocoa Mr. Cosgrove, nice seeing you again.” He ran off in a flash of lightning before waiting for a response.

It took Cosgrove a moment to process what he’d just seen. Then he stood up and grabbed his coat and hat.

He had not a clue what was going on, but he told Dexter he’d help no matter what and that’s what he intended to do.

~~~~

So I love Cosgrove. I really do. But sitting down to write this, the idea of ‘best buddy cop’ did not sit well given what’s going on right now. I mentioned it to some people on discord and we workshopped it.

I went with teacher, specifically Kindergarten Teacher, for two reasons. The first is it makes him someone Dexter already has a tenuous bond of trust with. Between his non existent social life and his family, teacher are prolly where a majority of the positive feedback in his life came from, Likewise Cosgrove would be predisposed to want to help.

The other reason is it means professionally Cosgrove is used to dealing with kids who mean well, but follow their own logic and don’t have much of an attention span. This makes him better equipped to work with Freakazoid than most others. (Roddy wants the best for him, no doubt, but he’s not the most patient man and dealing with Freakazoid is exhausting for him.)

Side note, it wasn’t till I was writing this that I realized how much Dexter trusts Freakazoid. Like, everytime he transforms he’s putting his very existence in Freakazoid’s hands.

[lihikainanea]

What about tiger getting distant because she’s going through a depressive episode and Bill doesn’t like how distant she is. Like she’s ignoring him and hasn’t spoken to him and he’s not used to it at all. Just straight up worried about her but she didn’t want to be around anyone and isolate herself. How would he corner her? How would he make her let him in and talk to him? How does he get through to her? I kinda need this I’m going through it lmao

Oh man, I very much think tiger’s number one way of dealing with ANYTHING is to just...shut people out. Isolate herself. Try and work through it by herself, or really just like...sulk and wallow and start losing the ability to find her way out about it.

And the thing with the vulnerability that they have together is like...most of the time, tiger loves it. She can be herself, she can feel whatever it is she needs to feel and she knows that Bill has her back. When she started getting vulnerable with him he stepped up in such a big way that--even though it took awhile--eventually, she really started to enjoy it. It was fulfilling to her, because it was safe. Vulnerability and her comfort in showing that side of herself to Bill is one of the driving factors of why she let herself get so small with him, and it 100% was the driving factor behind how much she started to enjoy it. 

But the terrible thing about vulnerability is when you’re not feeling so great in your head, vulnerability can leave you so....raw. Because there’s nowhere to hide. Bill knows her, he knows her so goddamn well and while that’s incredible most of the time, sometimes that’s terrifying when all tiger wants to do is hide. Disappear.

And the thing with these isolating episodes--in my experience, anyway--is that they’re pretty gradual. Maybe tiger is just a bit short tempered one week but Bill doesn’t focus too much on it, she’s busy and hasn’t been sleeping well. He’ll correct it and punish her if she goes too far over the line, but otherwise when she gets like this, he knows that she just needs a bit of space to unwind and relax. But then a few days later she’ll start to get a little quiet, a little more withdrawn, and the bags under her eyes are getting a little more prominent. Then comes the kind of...depressive apathy. Tiger’s not a neat freak by any means but she’s always had certain things that really annoy her. Dishes left in the sink, clothes not hung up, those kinds of things. And Bill starts to notice  that the dishes are piling up in the sink, and that her clothes are strewn all over the bed, and that there’s just this total lack of caring about a lot of things that would usually get her all up in ends.

He probably steps in then, tries to gently talk to her one night, asks if she’s okay. And she maybe hasn’t fully pulled away from him yet because she’ll still cuddle up into him when they go to bed, but he tries to get through to her before it gets there. She’s in pretty deep though, and now there’s this whole layer of vulnerability on top of everything--tiger is MAD that Bill picked up that something was wrong, she’s mad that now she feels like she has nowhere to hide, nowhere she can run away, because he’s always trying to pull her out. And tiger is a martyr, and sometimes she just wants to lie down and give up and stay there. And Bill won’t let her do that.

So, she pulls away from him.

It’s probably the perfect opportunity too, if he has to go away for a few days. He tries to get her to go with him, but she’s not budging. Or hell actually wait a second--let’s say tiger leaves. She tells Bill she needs to just disconnect, be alone for awhile, get her head back on straight. She rents a cabin somewhere, and Bill is really reluctant but he has no choice. She’s doing this. He makes her give him the address, makes her promise to text him once she’s there--and she agrees, but she tells him that that’s it. That’s the only interaction he’ll get because she needs to just...be alone.

So she takes off for a few days. And on the day that she’s supposed to come home, Bill gets a cryptic text.

Staying longer.

And listen, Bill is all for solo getaways. If tiger needs time or space, he’s going to give her as much of it as she needs. But this...this isn’t that. Tiger doesn’t need space. She’s running again, she’s pulling away, and he can’t let her do that. And the thing with tiger is that like...at the beginning, this wasn’t about him. Maybe she had some shit in her mind she needed to work out, just a real depressive episode that we all get. But the more he supported her, the more he showed her nothing but love and kindness and everything OPPOSITE of what she was feeling, the more this became exactly about him. Because how dare he. How dare he prove wrong everything in her brain, and how dare he know her almost better than she knew herself.

So he packs a quick bag, gets in his car, and drives the few hours out to where her cabin is. He’s not shocked when he gets there to find out that she’s...not there. Because she knew he’d do this, so she packed HER bags and went somewhere else. Bill sighs, bangs his head on the doorframe--then gets back in his car, and drives straight to one of tiger’s closest friend’s house.

Because listen, the thing with tiger, is not only is she mad and withdrawn to begin with--but Bill knows that she then gets madder and even more withdrawn with how well he knows her. Tiger needs a place to hide, she always needs a safe place where she can run to, and sometimes...Bill isn’t that, for her. Because he knows her too goddamn well, because he will happily let her sulk and wallow if that’s what she needs to heal. But he also won’t, not for a second, let her sink too deep. And depressive episodes are a hell of a thing right? Because the person going through them just wants to sink deeper, wants to disappear, wants to be left alone, even though it’s the last thing that will help their state of mind. When tiger gets in too deep and can’t pull herself out, all she wants is to go deeper. And Bill won’t ever let her do that.

He knows she wouldn’t be stupid enough to not let anyone know where she was, she just didn’t want him to know. So he rolls up to her friend’s house, knocks on the door and smiles lightly when the girl answers.

“Hey,” he greets, “Do you uh, do you know where tiger is?”

The girl feigns confusion, and Bill quirks a brow.

“No,” she says, “Why?”

Bill clears his throat, tries to keep his eye from twitching.

“Sorry, I think I said that wrong. Let me try again,” he says and his face gets serious, ”I know that you know where she is, and I need you to tell me.”

She sighs.

“I don’t know where she is, Bill,” the girl insists, “Have you tried calling her?”

“Is she here?” and he goes to take a step in but the girl puts a hand on his chest, stopping him.

“Bill, she’s not here.”

Bill sighs, scrubs a hand down his face.

“Look,” he says softly, “I know that she told you not to tell me where she went. But she’s not okay. And she hasn’t been for a few weeks, and I’m worried.”

The girl softens up a little, looks up at him.

“Please,” he tries again, “I need to...help. I can pull her out. I just need to see her.”

She sighs, bites her lip, looks up at him unsure. But Bill’s not giving up.

“I need to get to her,” he pleads, puts a hand on the girl’s arm, “Please just tell me where she is.”

The girl sighs, pulls out her phone. She shows him an address, and Bill taps it into his phone.

“We never had this conversation,” she says.

“What conversation?” he smiles kindly, “Thank you. You did the right thing.”

“Whatever.”

And then the door is closed in his face, but he runs back to his car and climbs in.

It’s another little cabin in a national park an hour or two away. When he drives up he’s sure to leave his car parked far away, so that she won’t hear it or see it. And maybe once he gets there, tiger’s not there. She’s out for a walk or something, or swimming in the lake. That’s just fine. The front door is locked, but he knows tiger is forgetful--she’s notorious for forgetting to lock doors.He’s always the one scouring her apartment before they go to sleep, making sure she locked the back door, the balcony door, whatever. And sure enough as he rounds the cabin at the back and sees a cute little porch with a swing, a cup of coffee on the table beside it, he walks up and--yep. The back door is unlocked. He rolls his eyes as he walks in, sets his bag down. He pours a scotch, sits on the couch--and then he waits.

She comes back in some time later, maybe an hour or two. Her hair is wet from a swim in the lake, her shoulders are hunched over, a towel slung across her arm. In the two seconds that Bill has to take her in before she notices him--she looks like hell. Looks defeated.

She opens the door and closes it, locking it before turning around--and that’s when she sees him on the couch. Bill expected a startled scream but god it’s like she’s given up on everything. She just gasps, stumbles back a step, and stares at him wide-eyed.

“Hey kid,” he nods to her, knocking the rest of his scotch back, “Good swim?”

But tiger is already crumbling. Because he is simultaneously the only thing she wants to see and doesn’t want to see, all at the same time.

“No,” she whimpers, “No no no no no no...”

And then she takes off. Bolts up the stairs, tries to find a safe place. Bill shoots up and follows her, taking the stairs three at a time while she tries to run from him. She makes it to her room and tries to shut the door and lock it--but Bill throws his shoulder into it. It’s a pushing match for a few seconds, tiger crying and trying desperately to shut the door while Bill uses his leverage and pushes back on it. She gives up and it flies open as he stumbles in, but then she’s running to the closet. I kind of low key love this idea that tiger has a safety closet, and that’s where she runs every time she needs to disappear. Anyway, she runs to the closet, crawls in, and just makes herself a tiny ball in the corner. Bill sighs, takes in a deep breath, and he absolutely DOES NOT fit into this closet by any means but goddamnit he’s going to make himself fit. So he curls up, shoves his way in there, and just plunks beside her. His knees are at his goddamn chin and he doesn’t reach to hold her because he knows it would just freak her out even more. But instead he just leans his head on the back wall, keeps a shoulder lightly pressed to hers, and just...stays there with her.

For however long it takes.

If he hears her start to wheeze on her breaths he’ll talk her through it--he won’t touch her--but he’ll tell her to relax her shoulders, to take a deep breath in through her mouth. He’ll count to three and tell her to exhale, and then to do it again.

He’s starting to crack her shield, but he knows he needs to be careful. She’s too vulnerable, and too mad at her own vulnerability with him, so the last thing he’s going to do is expose it more. He’s not going to try and get her to look him in the eye, he’s not going to grab her and put her in his lap even though it’s the only thing he wants to do. It’ll only make it worse. But maybe the fact that he’s not doing that--and the fact that this closet is dark, they can’t really see each other, that’s probably helping her. Making her feel a little more protected.

“Tiger, listen to me,” he says eventually in the darkness, “I will give you space if you need space. I’ll give you anything you need. But I’m not going to let you dig yourself into a deep hole and live there. Not ever, kid. I don’t care how mad at me you get for that.”

He waits but god, she doesn’t even sniffle.

“There’s strength in vulnerability, tiger,” he continues, “There is nothing weak about the way you trust me,  the way you need me.”

“I don’t need you,” she snarls. And it hurt, but Bill knows this isn’t about him.

“In the way you want me, then,” he corrects, “That’s strength, kid. There’s no weakness in that.”

And then, with a small kiss on her shoulder--he gets up. Leaves. Lets her be alone for awhile in there.

The worst thing he could do now is try and call more attention to it--try and force her to talk, to look at him, to explain why she did what she did. So instead, Good Dude Bill just...defaults back to normal. Until she’s in a better state of mind, until she can feel safe enough again to talk to him. So he putters around, puts another pot of coffee on. Gets lunch ready. He puts a plate aside for her, then sits out on the porch swing and eats. And when she comes downstairs--maybe a good hour later--her face is all red and her eyes are puffy and she just looks at him sheepishly, a little scared. But Bill? Shit’s normal, for Bill.

“There’s a plate inside for you kid,” he says cheerily.

“I’m not hungry,” she mumbles.

“Okay,” he shrugs, takes a swig of his beer. Tiger doesn’t quite know what to do with that--she expected another argument, at least a tough conversation, but...nope.

So she goes back inside, pours a cup of coffee. Hesitates for a second but then grabs a second mug and pours Bill a cup. And she brings the two outside, plunking his down on the table beside him, and he thanks her. She goes to take a seat on the Adirondack chair a few feet away but then stops, biting her lip, and instead sits slowly down on the swing beside him. He doesn’t make a move for her, not to grab her hand or put his arm around her. She keeps waiting for him to try and drag it out of her, have that deep and meaningful conversation that she’s been dreading. But he just...doesn’t. He does get a little tired with her scared, wide-eyed expression though.

“Tiger,” he says with his mouth full, pausing to chew and swallow, “You can relax, kid. There’s no ticking time bomb here.”

She stares at him, confused. He licks some mustard off his thumb, swiping his hand across his mouth. He turns a little to face her.

“We’re going to talk about this when you tell me you are ready to talk about it,” he says, “And not a second before. Alright? I don’t care how long that takes.”

She nods lightly, fiddling with her hands in her lap. 

“I’m sorry, Bill,” she mumbles, sniffling a little, “I’m sorry. I should have--”

But Bill reaches up, puts a giant hand gently over her mouth. Because here’s the thing--she’s bouncing all over the place, emotionally. And Bill has a feeling she’s going to apologize for running in the first place, for pulling away, and he doesn’t want that. They need to talk about that, sure, but he also doesn’t ever want her to apologize for needing space, for trying to figure out the mess in her head. He wishes she would be honest and maybe go about it a healthier way, but it’s not something she should ever be sorry for--just like her fear, or her slight anger, at being so vulnerable with him. It’s not ideal, but she should never be sorry for it.

“Don’t, kid,” he says gently, “Tiger, the only thing you might want to consider apologizing for is changing spots and not letting me know where you were going next. Because you know that I aways worry if you’re safe, and I like to know where you are. You can apologize for that, if you’re ready. But anything else, and I don’t want to hear it.”

He removes his hand, wrapping it around his coffee mug and taking a swig.

“I’m sorry I switched spots and didn’t tell you,” she mumbled. He nodded. He wanted to kiss her, lay a real good one on her lips, but he wasn’t sure if she’d let him.

“Thank you,” he said earnestly, “You’re forgiven, kid.”

It was silent for a beat, as she shifted uncomfortably.

“You usually kiss me when you forgive me,” she said quietly. He turned towards her again.

“I didn’t know if you wanted me to or not,” he said, placing a hand on her leg, “Can I kiss you?”

She nodded. Her eyes were still downcast but he wasn’t about to make her look at him. Instead he dipped his head, leaning forward and pressing his lips gently to hers. She sighed when he pulled away.

“Thanks, Bill,” she said, tentatively reaching for his hand and threading her fingers through his, “Thanks for um...finding me.”

“Always, tiger,” he promised.

[megalony]

Unlucky

A Roger Taylor imagine I had an idea for which is sort of like my previous imagine Rose Plants and has a scene based on the movie The Help. I hope you all like it.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @luvborhap @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez

Warning: Mentions/ descriptions of miscarriage.

Rose plants

Roger Taylor masterlist

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Are you with me?" Roger's words were whispered with an air of humour as he brushed his fingertip across (Y/n)'s jaw. Half of his face was buried into the pillow as he gazed at his wife who he could tell seemed to be trapped in her thoughts, thousands of miles away from him in her head.

As if snapping out of whatever trance she had been in, (Y/n) turned around so she was laying on her left side to be facing Roger. Trying to put a smile onto her lips but it wasn't working as effectively as she wanted since Roger could tell when something was wrong. He didn't say anything, he simply raised his brows in question as he waited for her to tell him what was on her mind since they had the time to talk. It wasn't very often that they got to just lay together like this without having an alarm clock ruining the moment or needing to get ready. They had nowhere to go, no places to be or people to see for once.

Reaching her hand up, (Y/n) took his hand that was brushing her jaw and placed his palm to her stomach instead. Knowing he would be on the same train of thought in a moment or two. When his lips pursed before he bit down on his lower lip, (Y/n) knew he was thinking the same as her.

"I want this time to work out."

(Y/n) whispered the words quietly as she felt Roger's fingers dancing around her stomach, moving to grab the hem of her shirt so he could slip his hand under. Pressing his palm back to her stomach again that wasn't rounded or any different yet.

"I know, sweetheart. We might be lucky this time." Leaning forward, Roger connected their lips as he continued to trace his fingers over her stomach.

Roger couldn't say that it would work out and he couldn't bear to think of giving either of them that false hope or a false sense of security. All he could do was say that he wanted it to work out too and that they didn't know what the future held. They could be within luck this time and finally be able to have a family, or their luck just wasn't meant for that. Roger couldn't see into the future to know what would happen, he could only hope that the future would go the way they wanted.

They had tried for a baby before and the first time everything went smoothly until the seventh month. They had their girl Rosie too prematurely and she hadn't made it. Both (Y/n) and Roger decided they were going to stop trying for a baby for a while after losing Rosie because they could only just piece themselves together after that.

When they finally decided they wanted to try again, they were faced with having a miscarriage at three months gone. (Y/n) didn't want to go through any situation like that again. She didn't want to go into labour too early or lose them so soon. She wanted this time to work out, to get through the nine months with no problems and have their baby at the end of it. Surely they should be allowed this one little wish.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bowing her head down, (Y/n) braced her hands on the sink to try and keep herself upright as a wave of unease rushed through her as well as a headache that had been there since she woke up. Moving one shaking hand to the tap, (Y/n) turned it on so she could try and splash some cold water onto her skin that was beginning to heat up. Normally she wouldn't be concerned about this kind of reaction because it normally followed morning sickness and not being able to eat. But she hadn't been ill this morning, nor did she feel like she was going to be sick.

Deciding that maybe going back to bed might be the best option, (Y/n) waited for a minute or to in order to gather some form of strength and a deep breath to haul herself back into the adjoining bedroom.

(Y/n) only managed to turn her body to the left before she pulled in on herself like a coil, her right hand gripping the sink so tightly she could have unhinged it from the wall as her left hand plastered to her stomach. Shaking her head, (Y/n) snapped her eyes closed as she used the sink as leverage to slowly lower herself to the tiled floor knowing she didn't hold the strength to stay standing.

A round of no escaped her lips in a silent whisper as she prayed for this to be something else but somehow she knew this was what she had been dreading.

A guttural cry escaped the back of (Y/n)'s throat when she saw the patch of blood beginning to cling to her pyjama shorts. This wasn't fair, why was this suddenly happening to them? They had lost Rosie and they had lost another baby within the first three months of pregnancy, surely this time they should be allowed some good luck? They were over four months gone now, both of them thought they had more of a chance now they were past the three-month marker that had stopped them last time.

"Please... please don't do this to me." (Y/n) didn't exactly know who she was talking to, maybe she was talking to herself, maybe to the baby. Whoever it was didn't give her an answer or any sort of sign or relief. The pain just continued. It wasn't as much pain as she had gone through with Rosie but it wasn't no pain at all like last time. This was something in between when she didn't want it at all. (Y/n) wanted things to be fine, she wanted them to be okay but it wasn't and that was unfair.

Dragging the tainted shorts and underwear from her legs, (Y/n) kicked them to the side, almost gagging at the blood that was coating her inner thighs. Her ears seemed to mute her brain, not allowing any noises or words to process through her head as she pressed one hand firmly to her stomach. Her other arm resting on the tiles as she leaned her forehead on her arm, doubling over on her knees to try and make the feeling subside.

(Y/n) didn't realise the screams and tainted cries leaving her lips were getting louder until Roger's fist suddenly bashed against the wooden door that was separating them.

"(Y/n)? What are you doing? What's wrong?!" Roger's clearly panicked voice hit her ears but she couldn't find it in herself to give him an answer because whatever she said would send him into turmoil. He pounded his fist on the door again to gain her attention when she simply sobbed which sounded faint but still nerve-wracking to Roger. "What the fuck are you doing? Let me in!" Roger had been asleep so he didn't know just when she left the bed to go to the bathroom but whatever was happening clearly wasn't minor or something she could wave off.

Her body started to tremble as she sobbed into her arm, trying to process the fact that this was the third life that she had lost now. She noticed that even when panic-stricken, Roger still managed to hit the door in a rhythmic beat rather than rash, random bashes of his knuckles against the wood. (Y/n) wanted to open the door, she wanted Roger to come in and hold her or tell her what she should do but she couldn't. She had no energy in her body to get up or shuffle over to the other side of the room to unlock the door. Now she wished she hadn't locked it behind her in the first place out of old habit. 

Reaching her hand out to her left, (Y/n) leaned all of her weight onto her arms that were grasping onto the side of the bathtub. Struggling to pull herself up so she was back to kneeling on the floor instead of curled up. Her knees scuffed against the gritting tiles as she dragged her almost limp form to the bath so she could lean up against it. Shifting her weight around so she was sitting on the floor, her back slumped against the bathtub.

"I'm serious now, unlock the door or I'm breaking it." Roger leaned his forehead against the door as the bathroom suddenly went eerily quiet. He couldn't make out the small trembling sobs leaving (Y/n)'s lips and she wasn't moving around leaving Roger in dead silence.

The drummer knew he didn't hold the strength in his shoulder to bash it against the door so he grabbed the doorframe on either side before kicking the lock twice. His foot managed to do the job well enough, snapping the rather worn bolt from the door to allow himself into the bathroom. He had given (Y/n) warning so he hoped she hadn't been in the firing line of wherever the lock had flung off to.

Stumbling into the bathroom, Roger took a sweeping glance around the room as his mouth opened but he couldn't seem to get any air into his system. Roger let the tears slowly begin to fall from his eyes as he went down on his knees beside (Y/n) who had her knees pulled up to her stomach, her slightly bloodied hands encased to her chest.

He did a quick check over her before resting his hands to either side of her face, gently turning her head so she was looking at him through watering eyes. Moving one hand to reach behind (Y/n), he turned the taps of the bath on so he could at least try and clean the blood from her broken form. (Y/n) leaned into his touch when he kissed her forehead, her hands moving to grasp his arms as her eyes kept drifting to the right. When Roger followed her gaze he choked on a cry, pushing out a calming breath through gritted teeth before turning her head so she was looking at him and nothing else.

"Why's there s-so much blood?" (Y/n)'s voice was cracked and broken as her glossy eyes locked with Roger's before he did another scan of the room. His Adam's apple jumping up and down as his lips curled into an almost snarl as he saw the few streaks of blood smudged into the pale cream tiles. There were a few trickles rolling down (Y/n)'s legs but he had a feeling it seemed to have stopped now.

"Ssh, it's okay. You're okay." Roger hummed quietly, reaching his hand over for the towel resting on the side of the bath. Moving around (Y/n) so he could place the towel over the baby on the floor a few inches away. Not needing (Y/n) to get any more distressed than this. "Come here, sweetheart." He slipped his arms under her legs and around her back, feeling her arms loosely hanging around his neck as she buried her face into his shoulder. A small cry leaving her lips at being moved which made the pain feel worse. "Alright, alright sweetheart. I've got you, I promise."

Roger leaned his head against hers as he carefully eased her into the bath, watching her curl up before he slowly climbed in behind her still wearing his boxers. He secured his arms around her middle as he kept her back pressed to his chest, his lips kissing the back of her head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pulling the cover tighter around her that was wrapped around her like a cocoon, (Y/n) tiredly blinked as she tried to wake herself up. Not sure how long she had been asleep but by the sound of Roger's footsteps coming in, she had been asleep when Roger decided to leave the room and then come back again.

Her eyes locked with Roger's as he made his way over to the bed, setting a cup of what (Y/n) assumed was tea down on the side table before setting the other cup on his side table. Climbing under the covers with her, Roger leaned up against the headboard as he noticed the tv was playing some random show in the background. A small smile pulled at his lips when (Y/n) moved around so she could lay her head on his chest, curling up into his side as he wrapped his arm around her.

Things between them hadn't felt wrong but they hadn't felt normal either since three days ago. Neither of them was really sure what they were meant to say or even what they should do. Roger had called the band to tell them what happened, informing them that he couldn't come into the studio this week and they understood. All promising to come round soon and see them both.

"Feeling any better?" Roger questioned as he reached his free hand out to grab his cup. Taking a sip as he turned his head to look down at (Y/n) as she shook her head, a grimace on her features. Rubbing his hand up and down her arm, Roger took another sip of his drink before setting it down again. Shuffling down so he was laying on his back, pressing a kiss to (Y/n)'s temple as he closed his eyes.

Roger felt himself drifting to sleep after a while, his eyes closing as his mind was close to switching off before he suddenly felt his chest moving. Cracking his eyes open tiredly, he looked down at (Y/n) who was pushing his chest to gain his attention. Rubbing at his eyes to keep them open, Roger took a deep breath before he scanned his eyes over his wife, frowning at her sudden actions. He watched her for a moment as she seemed to curl up into a ball next to him, her arm pressing to her stomach as her face was buried in his chest.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" Gently shuffling to the side, Roger pushed himself so he was sitting up so he could turn and hover over (Y/n), scanning her for the problem as he waited for her to speak.

"I-it hurts."

(Y/n)'s voice was quiet as she whispered the words, her hand pressing tighter to her stomach as she whimpered. Tears falling from her eyes as she felt herself beginning to shake. She didn't know what it was or what was happening, all she knew was there was a dull throbbing pain that was steadily getting worse instead of disappearing.

"Where does it hurt?" Roger kept his voice calm as he pulled back the cover so he could look at her properly.

Watching as she buried her face into the pillow, her hand still staying pressed to her lower abdomen giving him his answer. Gently pulling her hand away, Roger pressed his hand to various areas of her stomach, seeing that there were no indications to what was wrong. It wasn't her appendix, there was no bloating to indicate that it was a stomach problem but when he pressed his hand to a certain part of her lower abdomen he watched (Y/n) react quickly. Her legs pulled up as she moaned in pain, shaking worse as he quickly pulled his hand away.

"Alright, love. I'm taking you to get checked out."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brining (Y/n)'s hand to his lips, Roger smiled comfortingly as he kissed her knuckles. Roger was more than relieved that the nurse had given (Y/n) some painkillers to calm her down, he didn't know how much longer he could stop himself from crying as he watched her in pain without being able to help. Turning his head to the left when the door sounded, Roger saw the doctor which they had seen when they arrived, walking through the door.

He smiled warmly as he moved to stand at the foot of the bed, his eyes glancing between both of them as they waited to be told what was wrong.

"We've checked over the test and examination results and had a quick look at your medical history, Mrs Taylor." He started, watching as the couple glanced to one another with confusion on their faces. The doctor didn't sound like he was going to give them good news but he wasn't preparing them for anything horrible or drastic either. Making them both rather confused and worried about what to expect.

"And?" Roger couldn't help but speak up as he watched the doctor's eyes differ down to the notes in his hand before looking back at them. Roger wasn't one for sitting patiently like this, he wanted to know what was wrong.

"And it seems that after having your daughter, it caused a tear in the lining of your womb."

(Y/n) felt as if someone had stolen the air from her lungs that had seized up, unable to take in a proper breath. Roger tightened his hand around her own as a frown took over his face. Surely someone would have realised this had happened when they had Rosie. Wouldn't (Y/n) have been in pain? Wouldn't they have done some kind of check or a routine check that showed this had happened? How could they have missed this for so long, it had been six years since they lost Rosie.

"That was six years ago." Roger stated, confusion clear in his voice.

"The tear wasn't noticeable or worrying until your recent miscarriage which made it worse and caused the haemorrhaging."

Closing her eyes, (Y/n) took a deep breath but it didn't help to make her feel calmer or more at ease. The tears still managed to squeeze through her shut eyes as her hand subconsciously went to her stomach. The tear would have been the reason she had her miscarriages, they would have aggravated the womb and made the tear worse. If she or someone else had noticed the tear then they wouldn't have just lost their baby. If the tear was fixed she would still be pregnant now but it was too late now.

"S-so how do you fix it?" (Y/n) whispered, not bothering to look up at the doctor when she opened her eyes. Simply focusing her blurred vision on hr and Roger's entwined hands instead.

"We'll do an operation to try and fix the lining but if it doesn't work then I'm afraid we will have to perform a hysterectomy."

Roger rubbed his fingers over his lower lip and chin as he tried not to shout or blow up but all that did was cause him to shake. His eyes focusing on the wall opposite him as he looked like he was sitting in a trance. They had lost two children because this problem had gone undiagnosed and now the doctors were saying that they may not get another chance at having a child if they couldn't fix a mistake they most likely caused.

Roger had been right when he assumed they would have some luck this time around. He just didn't anticipate what kind of luck they would have.

[dorkyungsoowrites]

I've basically fallen from. The face of the earth, I ended up doing construction full time??? It's awful 10/10 do not recommend. Have ghosted everyone and everything. I come back and peep but am a giant scaredy cat to interact. If you're still down I'd love to hear director's commentary about Fatal Ties?? 😭

It’s very flattering that you’re this interested in my writing. I already sent you a private message about the other parts of this ask so this is all commentary. I had way more to say than I thought but it was fascinating to re-visit these passages and realize some things I missed before, and just expose myself I guess haha.

Before I start this is one of two warnings. I hardly ever get to talk about my writing in depth so I’m going to be indulgent. In other words, this will be lengthy. I’m putting it all under a read more.

Fatal Ties Director’s Commentary

Chapter 1:

Firstly, I’ve edited this chapter on my own and it reads completely different now. No, I will not be posting the edited chapters here. I’ve change the pov and given each character a different name in order to make it a full, original mafia story. I have not gone back and read this story in months at this point though so the thoughts that spring to mind should be interesting/informative if not entertaining.Also of note real quick, there will be dark and less than savory topics mentioned; namely violence, child abuse, human trafficking, nonbinary erasure, drugs, and sexual violence. None ad nauseam, but they are themes strung throughout this story and I feel it’s important you’re warned before continuing. If you are sensitive to these or think you may be triggered please do not force yourself to read this. Most of it is in chapter 5, but still. That being said, it won’t be all doom and gloom so let’s just jump into it.

Typically I enjoy starting off a story with dialogue or an action. Here, it was dialogue. Baekhyun entering the Boss’ manor to meet them. I think the best starting point for a story is the inciting incident for the main plot-line. Many mainstream scripts are structured so you see what the main characters lives are like on the regular before the balance is upset, but in writing I feel that bogs down the first few chapters so I skip it. This is fanfiction for fun so who cares about setup. It’s Baekhyun. There’s an arranged marriage. You know the drill.

For “Fatal Ties” the Boss has been working on this truce for years, but the main plot of the telling is them actually meeting Baekhyun, and how that changes them as their relationship grows. The Boss doesn’t like the idea of marrying a stranger. Let alone someone from the rival syndicate. Who would? Baekhyun, as they find out rather quickly. He’s too amorous about it all. They don’t trust Baekhyun. They believe he’s a honeypot the other boss sent to spy on them. I mean, of course they think that. Baekhyun is clumsily flirting and overly flattering. Spitting compliments out excitedly at every turn even though it’s clear he knows nothing about them. Calling them princess and doll. They’ve worked too hard for too long, and sacrificed too much to suffer being mis-gendered in their own home by some immature idiot. They don’t suffer being looked down on or erased anymore. They will be recognized for who they are, and as an equal to every other mafia boss. 

Their rage boils inside them with every slip. The moment the Boss grabs Baekhyun’s collar is when I tried to set up how precarious this all is. That threat isn’t empty. The Boss will kill him and the rest of his family if this contract doesn’t work out. They’d rather just sign a contract though. Less work and no sloppy transition times as mentioned in the next chapter.

Speaking of which, this contract isn’t legally binding. It’s more an honor contract than anything. That’s why Baekhyun is there to marry the Boss. It’s really just another business deal to the Boss. That’s how real mafias joined their houses in the past. I made this more clear by adding this line to the Boss’ dialogue in the edit: “Also contracts in our…realm of business aren’t legally binding so it’s insurance. Symbolic more than anything, really, but that’s that.”

As a side note, I ended up doing far more research than I anticipated for this. Most of the knowledge I acquired hasn’t been utilized yet, but I refuse to think I wasted hours of my life reading business, money laundering and fraud law for nothing. Limited liability, shell corporations, deficits, ugh it’s giving me a headache just thinking about all the jargon I had to sift through.

Okay back to the thing. I made a conscious decision to describe the Boss’ manor as such. Their dad built up the drug business. They’re just tweaking it to be more profitable. It hasn’t been revealed yet, but their dad wanted to surround himself with expensive things to feel more important and successful since he started from near nothing. The Boss, on the other hand, doesn’t enjoy living in this big house. It’s too cold and empty. They want to live in a normal home further from the city and have their only worry be about if their garden is getting enough sunlight. A peaceful life. That won’t happen unless a truce is called between them and Baekhyun’s family. It truly means everything to them that this marriage go well.

Had someone tell me it was so satisfying when the Boss smashed that mug over Baekhyun’s head. That felt good. I figured that’s the first major tell of their character. They get annoyed at being mis-gendered and harassed, but instead of leaving or yelling or anything a regular person might do, they lash out with violence. They were raised in the mafia where mistakes were atoned with blood. You ever seen “John Wick 3”? Fucking love Keanu Reeves. Some of my favorite action movies. Anyway, sort of like that. The Boss has very little mercy in them. Or patience. Bad combination. But for good reason. Any small slip-up could result in life in prison, so yeah.

The other major tell of character was in what the Boss did right after. Cleaning up the broken mug. They take responsibility for what they knew was a mistake. They clean up their own mess. They immediately know to call for Yixing the doctor and calmly explain things to Baekhyun when he wakes up. I intentionally never had them say “sorry.” They admit they were wrong to hit him, but they don’t apologize. Even so, the moment Baekhyun sees a glimmer of a chance for approval from the Boss he jumps in to help cover it up. Knowing that if his parents found out they hit him any peace that might’ve been forming would be tenuous at best. More likely, his dad would take it as a personal attack and retaliate.

Then right at the end Baekhyun shows some kind of guilt and/or concern for causing their hand injury and it throws off the Boss’ instincts. Suddenly he’s willing to shoulder the blame and offering to help. Being respectful. A total flip from before. It makes the Boss harden their guard more. Proving he shouldn’t be trusted. Or, at least, they can’t entertain the possibility that he’s trustworthy. Not yet. Still, he’s saving them significant stress by lying to his parents about his head, so the Boss is much more gentle in turning him down before going to bed.

Chapter 2:

Despite what it looks like, this sex scene was not put in gratuitously. It’s very, very important setup for just about everything else, and it’s filled with foreshadowing. I knew it would be important to get a glimpse at the Boss’ secret affair in it’s normality before it got twisted a few chapters later. It shows a peek into the Boss’ hidden personal desires. They crave real affection. Their issues prevent them from actually believing that Kyungsoo loves them, but deep down they hope it’s true. They’re wary of entertaining those hopes however, because that means they could have a weakness for others to exploit. See literally any secret agent plot-line ever. The loved ones are threatened first and used as leverage for the villains. So the Boss denies that it’s anything more than physical.

I tried to convey the timeline a bit better later, but just so it’s clear Baekhyun meets the Boss three years after they’ve taken over from their dad. So Kyungsoo and them met back then and very painfully slowly the tension grew. I will admit to having fun imagining this bit in my own head just cause I love sexual tensions that build until they break and it’s this massive burst of passion. The Boss doing their best to keep everything professional, turning Kyungsoo down when he tried to talk to them, until finally they caved. Realizing after having a few conversations with him that, “fuck…I’ve liked him this whole time.” They’re around each other literally all the time. A bond had formed without them even noticing. Once it was noticed it took yet another year of Kyungsoo flirting and finding excuses to touch them, like, on the base of their spine, their hair, their hand, etc, before their will broke and they gave in. They’re both horrible at communicating it, but they do care for one another. Maybe at varying degrees, but they care. I hope that was made clear in this chapter.

Of note, Kyungsoo’s immediate hatred of Baekhyun, the fact he brought it up after the Boss had already switched off their brain to be submissive, the pet names he uses, the fact that the call for silence at the end is explained from the Boss’ perspective, and when he brings up the idea of wiping out Baekhyun’s family without a contract there’s this sentence: “He was back on this nonsense again.”

The theme here is control, if you didn’t notice. The Boss enjoying a space where they’re safe out of control, Kyungsoo trying to convince them not to give up sole control of their business by partnering, etc. That’s not all the foreshadowing, but I don’t want to make the plot too easy to predict by giving them away.

The last few paragraphs are the deep dive into the Boss’ motivations and reasoning. I think it’s also the second time Baekhyun’s family’s business is alluded to, but I’ll reveal that in a later chapter commentary when it’s possible for the reader to have deduced it on their own. It also shows in the last few lines where the Boss’ priorities are. The contract is number one. They will sacrifice everything for it. Even what may be their only chance at something close to love.

Chapter 3:

This is the second time I’ve written the main character eating eggs on toast. It’s delicious, and I lack the creativity to describe different foods. It’s just to pace the scene with actions because they’re eating instead of just sitting around. If one day my works are looked at by English professors they’ll probably say it symbolizes the Boss’ practical, fast-paced lifestyle. It doesn’t. I just like eggs on toast.

The fact Baekhyun doesn’t lie about snooping is the first big revealing thing showing that he doesn’t really want to. He doesn’t care about being caught because he just doesn’t care that much. He makes the remark about firing the guards posted outside his door as a joke. Ha-ha I walked around your house doing nothing with no supervision. He doesn’t realize how grave a mistake that was. He doesn’t realize that remark was the cause of two lives being ruined by the Boss. He will understand later because, as you learn later, he listens in on the Boss’ meeting with those guards via bug he put in their blazer. I have not written the effect of that yet, but it did affect Baekhyun. There’s a very clear butterfly effect from this one small choice.

Next he tries to get Kyungsoo to talk. He plays it off as trying to get to know the head of security. Needling the Boss to try and prove his hunch that it was Kyungsoo he heard them fucking the night before. I didn’t bother insinuating he had suspicions about anyone else because Baekhyun is smart and he knows that 1) Yixing is the only other person he’s met so far and that wasn’t his voice. 2) Kyungsoo is at the Boss’ side all day, and he hasn’t spoken around Baekhyun yet.

When he sees the Boss is about to leave he uses the name “kitten.” Baiting them by antagonizing them. Switching his tactics. The day before he had played up the whole “I’m here to do what you want” thing and now he’s realized he should be more domineering. He doesn’t always succeed because that’s not entirely in his nature, but here it sort of works to, as John Mulaney and JJ Bittenbinder would say, “throw them off their rhythm.”

I amuse myself by adding in little quirks to the Boss. Each time I describe a room it’s meant to be pictured immaculate and modern with everything in perpendicular lines. Showing that they’re a little peculiar about style and cleanliness. Anal retentive one might even say. All their clothes are tailored, most of them are suits, the mass of cabinets in the kitchen so the counters are clear, etc. Another side note, this is set in the 2000’s mostly for law reasons. Some didn’t exist until later which made what the Boss does near impossible to get away with, but I wanted cell phones and I’m picky about realism like that. So 2000’s decor. Black and white with pops of color in the decorations, chrome, clean finishes. I work in interior design so I was a little particular about some stuff for no reason other than my own amusement like the big kitchen with white countertops, and the blue and grey paisley wing-back chairs. When I edit this chapter I’m going to go into more detail on the rug though to give a clearer picture when the blood ruins it. Which really did cause the Boss dismay just like the bloody hand wrappings. For cleanliness but also they don’t like conducting business at home outside of paperwork and research. I thought it showed more about their character that they were upset over the bloody wrappings rather than the dead body and such.

My favorite part about writing the Boss’ character is how they’re constantly in a shade of darker grey. Everyone operates in shades of grey, but I love it when I see characters that are closer to the black and yet you’re still cheering for them. They’re morally corrupt and objectively not a good person, but you still like them. They’re still the hero, so to speak, of the story. That’s what I’m trying to achieve with the Boss. Back to “John Wick.” He’s a good example. So is Loki. They’re mass murderers, but we as an audience still love them because they feel like real people. Their motivations garner sympathy, and it’s their methods that are skewed. I love the challenge of threading that line between the Boss being the protagonist and villain simultaneously. Referring back to a line Kyungsoo had; they may need to be protected from themselves. Disney villain style I guess. Their actions cause their own doom. Not necessarily because the hero did anything. Gaston, Clayton, The Evil Queen, Frollo, Scar, etc, etc. You get it. I love that. That’s not giving away the ending, by the way. I don’t like following formulas too much. I honestly haven’t even decided on an ending yet. There’s lots of options. I’ll decide when I get there.

Anyway, this chapter was my attempt at showing more of that dark grey for the boss. They could have just as easily let the guards off with a warning, or broken a finger or something, but instead they went for the extreme. “Their offense was too great” as the chapter says. All they did was let Baekhyun out of his room, you might say. The Boss doesn’t see it that way. They don’t know what Baekhyun did unsupervised all night. But somehow he already found out about one of the few secrets that could topple everything out of balance. Their affair. Not that his family is sensitive over infidelity or anything, but it was what the Boss was afraid of; Kyungsoo being used against them. A weakness. Baekhyun found their weakness just like that, and they thought the reason was the guards letting him out. If Baekhyun hadn’t gotten restless legs, or just not teased the Boss about walking around that morning, they probably wouldn’t have checked the security footage, and those guards would’ve survived.

Instead, the Boss outright kills one and mutilates the other. Framing him so he’d go to prison. They enjoy taking out their frustration on the guard. In their mind he deserves it for being careless.

Had someone comment a reference to Yixing with the whole “act of kindness, act of cruelty. Balance” thing, but that was actually inspired by a scene in season 2 of Fargo. Although both people end up dying in that show. Love that show. Inspired this whole thing actually. I know I’ve mentioned that somewhere else before, but it’s true. It’s one of my favorites it’s so brilliant. I don’t think this will ever be up to par with that, but I’m okay with that.

Point being, consequences. Baekhyun’s choices had a ripple effect, and they continue past this chapter.

Chapter 4:

Obviously you find this out later, but Baekhyun was listening to the Boss and Kyungsoo on those headphones. Not music.

The Boss gives in to talking with Baekhyun in the car because they find it cute he’s acting like a puppy. Also because he might let something else slip. Oh, also, the line about them lying about nothing being wrong was them being worried about Baekhyun blabbering about their affair with Kyungsoo.

Baekhyun attempts to have a normal conversation, but it doesn’t stay that way for long. All the Boss can talk about is work. If you’ve ever watched “Hot Fuzz” I imagine this interaction playing something like the first day Nicholas and Danny are together. It’s not as sharp as in that movie, but the feeling of a less experienced person questioning this serious person with the least serious questions. Baekhyun sees this as a game or a movie more than something real and dangerous. He only heard the meeting in the last chapter, after all. He doesn’t realize yet that the gunshot killed that guard. He’s watched his mom get married to a mafia leader and live rich like an actress. He’s naive of the price it takes to stay comfortable like that. It’s still a movie where people are killed off screen and there are no major repercussions. Even in his answer about the knife he says he would kiss them as if it were some James Bond film.

I tried to make it clear, but just to spell it out, Baekhyun is the rival leader’s step-son. He has two step-brothers from the rival leaders’ two previous marriages–Minseok and Jongin. So he didn’t grow up in this dark, depraved world like these other characters. He was folded in at an older age. He’s more the black sheep of the family because he’s not blood related. That’s why he says he was happy to marry the Boss. But it’s still seeing through this movie lens. He doesn’t know what it really means to learn how to run a syndicate, and the Boss sees that. They scoff at him and can’t take him seriously.

At the meeting the reason the Boss wants to crack the mask of Minseok is to feel out his real personality. In their mind, every lawyer is an actor who writes a script before trial and reads it for an audience–the jury. They wanted to see Minseok when not acting. When they see he has a spine, oh buddy, they would’ve dropped Baekhyun for Minseok right then and there if it was their choice.

Oh, yeah, and they’re totally straight up manipulating Baekhyun. Using that nickname as faux affection. Letting his family think Baekhyun’s honeypot skills were working, and Baekhyun that his regular charm was getting them to like him.Baekhyun’s mom mentioning they operate hotels, yes, interesting. She’s also in fantasyland if you can tell. Planning their wedding as if they were in love and not out of business arrangement. She’s not naive to the real purpose of the meeting, but her focus and excitement is in the wedding which is why everyone’s just kind of letting her do all the planning.

The last thing I’ll say on this chapter is from part of my response to someone asking about the Boss’ goals. They want to gain customers, profit and influence. Expand their drug empire. It’s a smart business move. Simple as that. If you want more detail, then they want symbiosis. It’s a hassle having to work an underground drug ring when there’s cops, let alone another gang out for their blood. Getting Baekhyun’s family to stop the violence against their group and help is the only smart move in their eyes.

Chapter 5:

Oofda strap in this one gets real dark. This is the chapter most of those warnings at the beginning were for so feel free to skip to the next chapters commentary if you want.

Yes the lapel grab was an intentional mirror of the one Baekhyun did at breakfast in chapter two. Just felt like it. No special reason.

An extreme disconnect from human lives? Hotels? Even the Boss thinks it’s wrong? What the fuck does Baekhyun’s family do? Congrats if you’ve figured it out already. The major giveaway is in a bit though.

The whole, “I like things that are beautiful and strong” thing is a reference to a video game character named Zevran who’s a pansexual assassin and one of the loves of my life. Life-changing, that dialogue. Perfectly worded how my pansexuality felt. It meant a lot at the time so it’s stuck with me. When I edit this though I’m gonna change it around a bit. It’s too close to the actual game dialogue right now.

When the Boss retreats it’s because they felt breathless. They’re in denial about being afraid, but it’s cause they’ve never felt attraction like that before. Sincere fondness, and it went both ways. They actually felt something for Baekhyun. So they counteract it to the extreme and pretend to be emotionless and dismissive. To the point of being cruel when speaking about him to Kyungsoo as if he were a dog that needed to be locked in its kennel.

The throwing things is just Baekhyun being petty. He is angry, but not super mad. Enough to want to make the Boss hear his anger. Not enough to keep it up for long though.

More foreshadowing once Kyungsoo comes in. There’s been other stuff in between too. I like reading it and cackling in villainy because I know all the secrets.

Now let’s take a moment while reading the first part of this sex scene and just reflect on how Baekhyun is listening to everything happening.

…

…

…

Alright let’s continue. We stan a man who’s good at oral.

Okay sorry let’s actually continue. I’m delaying the inevitable here.

This section was hard to write, and I know it’s hard to read too, but it’s important to the story to have it described. Not only for awareness, as I have experienced something very similar and didn’t know what was wrong, or why I felt the way I did afterward, until much much later. But also because this is a major event that drastically changes how the Boss interacts with just about everyone, and their relationships. I know there are stories out there that use sexual violence as a plot device, and I’ve tried my best not to do that. I hope I’ve handled it with sensitivity and care. Being mindful of how certain things are worded and such. If you don’t take anything else away from this I do want you to know this: this is consensual. It is not rape. The Boss is just as confused about what happened as I’m sure some of you are. They’re deeply conflicted about it, but they push it down and ignore it at first. That’s the point. Shades of grey. Conflict. Revelation of characters. Okay, on with the rest of it.

The consent. The unreadable twinkle in his eye. If it wasn’t obvious, Kyungsoo gets off on having control over the Boss. This possessiveness is turning into a poison. Hearing that they want him unequivocally ends up being the toes hanging off the edge of the cliff before the plummet.

“He took what he wanted from you and you gave willingly.” That’s the line that explains why the Boss doesn’t do anything when Kyungsoo starts going too far with the pain levels. Gripping their thighs too hard. He already gave them the tension release and satisfaction. They were reciprocating, they thought. They felt safe with Kyungsoo. That’s why their trysts worked. They trusted Kyungsoo to keep them safe at all times. They could let go and not think, but for some reason that night turns out to be different.

When Kyungsoo screws his eyes shut, it’s the point of no return. No matter what they did from then on it would end the same way. He’s blocking out the expression on their face. He’s trying his damnest to focus on finishing. He’s lost control. As stated, some conflict is making him frustrated, and he’s taking it too far. He should have stopped, but something makes him keep going.

When they hold Kyungsoo closer, they’re in denial. And they’ll stay in denial that anything wrong had happened for a while. Kyungsoo slows at this point and there’s hope that he’ll come back to himself. He moves them into a more comfortable position and removes his hands from their bruising grip. Kissing their neck and chest even. The pain when he thrusts inside is more layover from the previous actions than rough treatment in that moment. They could still call the night rough play. Let’s call this the good timeline.

I still have so many emotions when his hand clamps tighter on their mouth and he mutters, “almost there.” The desperation and pain and guilt laced through his tone in my head breaks my heart a bit.

The Boss is not a fragile person. They’ve always been able to exert some amount of control in their life. But when they can’t stop Kyungsoo suddenly they feel helpless. The person they trusted is hurting them, and it’s not even malicious. They can’t even think through all the pain.

After Kyungsoo finishes neither of them have time to process what happened before Baekhyun screams. By the emotions flickering on Kyungsoo’s face though, it’s implied he knows he fucked up very, very badly and is experiencing clarity.

I really just added in the Baekhyun struggling with guards in his underwear thing for some levity in the transition between heavy things. He could’ve been dressed and just yelling from his doorway, sure, but that’s no fun.

Baekhyun ends up confessing to planting multiple listening devices after convincing the Boss to get Kyungsoo to leave. But instead of their first thought being one of anger or worry over leaked secrets, the Boss thinks about his confession. It’s the second time this chapter they’ve thought about Baekhyun in a positive light when there were more pressing matters.

“I know the difference between playing rough and abuse. I know what real pain sounds like. Trust me.“ And, "Kyungsoo is much more suited for working for my family. You know that right?” are the two biggest clues about what Baekhyun’s family does. Have you guessed yet? Locked in your answer? It’s prostitution and sex trafficking.

When Baekhyun says he was terrified hearing their screams it’s because he’s scarred from his step-dad’s "hotel business.” Saying that Kyungsoo is more suited for his family’s work implies things about his character that the Boss refuses to question. However Baekhyun crying is also out of relief that he didn’t find them more severely injured. With his family he was powerless to help the people they extorted and manipulated and took advantage of. He was able to do something here, though. He was able to scream and kick and call attention to it, even if he was a little late. He was able to help. Which is why he so readily agrees to get rid of the bugs to get the Boss to call Yixing.

Right before he leaves he contemplates trying to kiss them. His relief doesn’t overpower his smarts though, and he thinks better of it. I think the Boss would’ve called Yixing anyway, but they couldn’t pass up the opportunity to also get something from Baekhyun.

Chapter 6:

I am so…emotionally exhausted from that last chapter, but there’s not much left at this point so let’s finish.

Jongdae calling himself Greased Lightning. Just felt like referencing Grease that day I guess. Wanted a dumb code name no one actually uses.

Agh that should say white collar crime oops.

“I’d call you a genius, but I’m in the room.” Lazy reference to Sherlock. Should take it out.

“Opening him up balls to brain.” Honestly that’s just straight up out of Game of Thrones. I loved the line too much haha. Took inspiration from Petyr Baelish on the bit about killing an innocent man with the guilty one to throw off suspicion too.

I actually did math the figure out the dimensions of the tie grid cause I’m like that I guess.

Originally the Boss was gonna reward him by just spending more time with him, but after the…incident, they decided to teach him a bit too. They realized he was smart and amicable to change.

“They know, and they know when to bail” is actually a reference to Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood with something Olivier said up on the North wall.

The “there are plenty worse than you” realization hits a lot harder knowing his family does what they do. It still gets me reading that line. He’s been through so much.

Pretty self explanatory on why the Boss doesn’t give in to their desires about Baekhyun. He’s too submissive still. They want someone to challenge them. Baekhyun gives them a glimpse at the possibility he’s capable, but it disappears just as fast.

As I was describing the city they’re driving home from I was thinking of Chicago, but as someone who’s visited many major cities it could be any of them really. In my head it’s Northern California though, mostly because 1) there’s plenty of stories out there now about mafia in New York or Chicago or Las Vegas. 2) they have history with mafia in real life that moved up there from the L.A. areas. 3) lots of coastal cities up that way where Baekhyun’s family could be doing business. Let’s not even get into all the organized crime in San Francisco and San Jose. Of course for this fanfiction version it could be in South Korea who knows. I only know American law so that’s how I think in terms of writing the Boss avoiding cops and what-not.

The fact the chapter didn’t end with the ties being purchased should’ve been the warning that something bad was gonna happen. This chapter was going too well, and there’s still no major conflict. Enter gunmen.

Also side note, I always end up doing way more research than necessary on almost every story. Spent a few hours reading about and looking at videos of bulletproof cars being shot with different calibers and doing 180’s and stuff to more accurately write this chase. I just like doing research I suppose. Definitely love learning new things. I’ll go down several google deep dives on any given subject during a month. It’s fun learning new things. The last one I did was a deep dive into fashion in the 1700’s which I think I’ve decided to use in the next requested story. They didn’t ask for it to be historical, but now I want to write about elaborate dresses so there.

“It was lucky.” It wasn’t. I can’t explain why yet though.

Chapter 7:

Y'all ever experienced stitches before? The scars are hard to get rid of. Okay that’s my commentary on that.

Actually no. If Baekhyun had gone to a legitimate doctor they probably would’ve used glue so the scar would be faint, but mafia doctor. Okay moving on.

There are handguns that hold more than seven rounds, but I couldn’t pass up referencing “John Wick 2.”

“I don’t know. Were you thinking, ‘holy shit holy shit, I just almost got shot’?” is a reference to the movie “Get Smart.” Y'all seeing a pattern yet? haha. Mostly just wanted a joke there. It sprung to mind. Although I do have a few lists with lines or words that I’ve seen and written down to use later, then I try to work them in somehow. It’s a dangerous method. It’s breed whole chapters and stories before. But I have a horribly inconsistent memory. Gossamer is a good example. Saw that word used somewhere, went, “ooh I like that word”, wrote it in the list, then used it in this chapter. While we’re on writing technique, I also really love using alliteration to emphasize certain sentences or pretty-up descriptions. It started because I was writing a character that talks in prose and poetry, and he does that all the time, but I liked how it sounded so I just kinda kept doing it. That character is Cole from Dragon Age by the way.

The rest of this is just setting up the mystery. Who in the car was the target? Who was shooting? Who’s the mole? Is there even a mole, or is someone simply following them? Will Baekhyun keep pushing for answers? Will the Boss cause the trouble they’re trying to avoid by retreating inward? Will any of them get killed? How could Baekhyun’s decision near the beginning possibly butterfly more?

Interesting, yes, hm. Time for more sinister cackling.

[justauthoring]

Ten Seconds - Sherlock Holmes

( @creamychickenuggets and @tinastark2015 ) Requests: Hello you wonderful human being, could I please get a Sherlock x reader where the reader is taken hostage by one of Sherlock's enemies (or some random person) and just as he's about to save the reader something happens to John, so then Sherlock's torn between helping John or the reader and it's angsty (sorry if this is confusing), i'll leave the ending up to your creative genius :D + A fanfic where the reader is johns sibling or something like that (possibly inspired by the mentions of Harriet) and lives with John and Sherlock after being honorably discharged from the army- platonic or romantic relationship with Sherlock would be dope, idk my brain is scattered + I'm stuck for a plot idea! And I know you want requests! Ahhhh okay what about a sherlock x reader um maybe you could do something with the prompt "I told you not to go, but you went anyway, and now look what's happened" it could be that sherlock was told to go somewhere by some evil villain and impulsively went not thinking about the actions and now reader is hurt because of his actions? As angsty as you like! Much love darling!xoxoxo + Hey was wondering if you could write a over protective Sherlock x reader? Idk just something fluffy :)

Notes: so I combined a bunch of requests because i thought they’d all work really well together and I could make an amazing imagine out of it. I hope the requesters don’t mind!

Please don’t plagiarize my work - I spend a lot of my time writing, copying and pasting destroys that. If you want to repost my work. please ask first - but even then I might say no.

REQUESTS ARE CLOSED!

“I really don’t think we should be doing this Sherlock.”

“You didn’t have to come with me.”

“Come with-” You huffed, shutting the pool door behind you with a shake of your head. When you spun around, Sherlock was already cautiously looking around the pool. “Sherlock, may I remind you that I was perfectly fine going home but you insisted I come with you?”

He only hummed in response and you sighed, shoulders dropping. Accepting defeat, you walked further into the room, your eyes scanning around the place similar as to Sherlock, only with more fear then curiosity. “This man, Sherlock, is dangerous.” You sighed, adding onto your earlier, short conversation. “And not telling John? Was that wise?”

“You weren’t meant to know either.” Sherlock reminded and you only sighed again - the man was impossible. “But yet, here you are.”

“Which again is because you brought me along!” You exclaimed, falling by his side as you glared. You would’ve been perfectly fine with staying at home, doing nothing but Sherlock had forced you to come, saying he needed you. That, and when you finally found out exactly what he was doing, you couldn’t let him go. Not alone. This man, Moriarty, is a danger, who had managed to best even that of Sherlock. And gazing around the pool, you felt your chest tighten with worry - this didn’t seem right. 

“Brought you a little getting-to-know-you present.” Sherlock said allowed, waving a USB stick in the air, and gesturing to Moriarty who he was meant to meet. “That’s what this has all been for, hasn’t it? All your little puzzles, making me dance. All to distract me from this.”

“Sherlock,” you called softly. “Something doesn-”

You were cut off by the sound of a door opening, and alike Sherlock, you spun around in response. Your eyes narrowed at the sight of John... in a winter jacket? stepping through the door.

“Evening,” John said. 

“John?” You called, taking a step forward but he only shook his head.

“This is a turn-up, isn’t it, Sherlock?” There was something odd about the way John spoke, almost robotically. Not to mention the coat - your eyes widened, oh God... 

“John!” Sherlock exclaimed; “what the hell?”

“Bet you never saw this coming.” You took a shaky breath in as John pulled his hands from his pockets, the winter coat opening to reveal a bomb attached to his chest. Your heart plummeted as you realized your suspicions had been right. “What would you like me to make him say...” You rushed forward along with Sherlock as you noticed a red dot appear over John’s chest - snipers. “...Next?”

You stayed slightly behind Sherlock, your eyes scanning around you for any sighting - but of course, you saw nothing.

“Gottle o’ gear, gottle o’ gear, gottle o’ gear.”

“Stop it,” Sherlock demanded. 

“Nice touch this,” John continued. “The pool, where little Carl died. I stopped him. I can stop John Watson, too. Stop his heart.” You felt like you were going to be sick. “And darling over there, beside you.” You felt Sherlock’s eyes fall on you and him step before you, holding a hand out before you. “I can stop Y/N too.” Oh God....

“Who are you?” Sherlock asked, his head spinning around. 

Another door opened and your eyes snapped forward, but no one appeared - only a voice. “I gave you my number. I thought you might call.” Then a face appeared, one you had never seen before. But by the expression on Sherlock’s face, it seemed he had. “Is that a British Army Browning L9A1 in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?”

You snarled your lip in disgust - this man was... odd to say the least.

Pulling out that same gun, Sherlock pointed it towards the man. “Both.”

“Jim Moriarty,” the man greeted. “Hi.”

Biting your lip, you looked to John, silently asking him if he was okay with your eyes, he only shuddered in place.

“Jim?” Moriarty continued. “Jim from the hospital? Oh, did I really make such a fleeting impression? But then, I suppose, that was rather the point.” You took a deep breath, feeling your heart beat erratically against your chest. Sherlock raised the gun, pointing it at him. “Don’t be silly, someone else is holding the rifle.” Moriarty begun making his way forward, stopping just before the edge of a corner, facing you now. “I’ve given you a glimpse, Sherlock, just a teensy glimpse of what i’ve got going on out there in the big bad world. I’m a specialist, you see. Like you.”

“’Dear Jim.” Sherlock suddenly spoke, your eyes snapping to him, “please will you fix it for me to get rid of my lover’s nasty sister?’ ‘Dear Jim, please will you fix it for me to disappear to South America?’”

Moriarty stopped before you all. “Just so.”

“Consulting criminal. Brilliant.”

You shook your head, hardly brilliant. 

“Isn’t it?” Moriarty smirked. “No one ever gets to me. And no one ever will.”

Cocking the gun, Sherlock smiled; “I did.”

“You’ve come the closest. Now you’re in my way.”

“Thank you.”

“Didn’t mean it as a compliment.”

“Yes, you did.”

Shrugging, Moriarty smiled; “Yeah, okay. I did. But the flirting’s over now, Sherlock. Daddy’s had enough now. I’ve shown you what I can do. I cut loose all those people, all those little problems, even thirty million quid, just to get you to come out and play. And now it’s time to play a game.”

“What game?” Sherlock laughed.

Suddenly, a red flare appeared in your vision and you closed your eyes.

“A game of choice,” Moriarty smiled, and you met his eyes. Sighing, you clenched your fists by your side. “Between two people.”

“Two people?” Sherlock asked, furrowing his brows.

Moriarty gasped, feigning shock; “I thought you would’ve been able to guess it. Being a genius and all.”

“Sherlock,” you called. Hesitantly and slowly, Sherlock turned his head over to you, confirming what you had feared. Realization dawned on his face as well as a hint of fear, and you swallowed the lump in your throat.

“Those two people.”

Sherlock’s eyes snapped to both you and John, before huffing and facing Moriarty. But his eyes were on you, and he smiled; “you didn’t think I forgot about you, did you darling?”

Despite everything the man had just said and how much he had proved how dangerous he was, you laughed ironically. “No of course not.”

“Feisty!” Moriarty exclaimed, “I like her.”

“What do you want?” Sherlock asked, before his face fell and he pulled out the USB from before. “Take it.” He announced, holding up the USB, which included the missile plans.

“Hmm?” Moriarty asked, raising an eyebrow. “Oh that.” Taking it out of Sherlock’s hand, Moriarty eyed it before throwing it aside, into the pool. “I want something else.” He paused, and you felt like you couldn’t breathe as his eyes fell on you. “Y/N, come here.” He called, smirking as he waved you over.

You hesitated, pausing as your eyes fell on Sherlock. 

“Come here, or John will go.... boom!” Moriarty demonstrated it and you felt your chest tighten as you saw the look of defeat on John’s face.

You bit your lip, huffing as you left Sherlock’s side and made your way over to Moriarty. Immediately you felt a whole lot less safe.

You expected him to grab you. use you as some kind of leverage but instead, he only walked around so he was slightly before you, on your left. Raising his hand, he placed it over the staggering red dot on your forehead. “Time to choose, Sherlock. Little darling here,” he paused, leaving your side and walking over to John. “Or Johnny boy.”

“I’m not going to choose,” Sherlock stated as if it was the obvious thing.

Moriarty’s mouth fell open and he stepped forward. You didn’t see it at first but before you knew it, John had jumped up onto Moriarty’s back, pressing him against his chest. You paused, watching as another red dot fell on your chest. You said nothing, your hands going up slightly in surrender.

“Run Sherlock!” John called, fighting against Moriarty who only laughed; “good! Very good.”

“If your sniper pulls that trigger, Mr. Moriarty, then we both go up.”

“I can see why you like him,” Moriarty laughed, looking over at Sherlock. “But then there’s Y/N... not to mention.” Your eyes widened as a red dot appeared over Sherlock’s head, the one that had been on your chest disappearing and appearing on him. You closed your eyes in shame - you were trapped.

John let go of Moriarty, eyes falling down in shame and taking a step back in surrender. “Gotcha,” Moriarty laughed.

“Sherlock,” you called, desperate for him to look at you. All went silent as you met Sherlock’s eyes, and frowned; "I told you not to go, but you went anyway, and now look what's happened.” You sighed, holding your hands up in surrender.

“Oh no, darling,” Moriarty spoke, falling beside you, and pressing a finger against your lips. “Don’t speak, it ruins the fun.”

You glared at him, snarling your lip in his direction as Moriarty clapped excitedly. “Oh, oh, oh! She’s exciting, Sherlock.” He exclaimed, as if you weren’t there. “If you choose darling here, I might just keep her for myself.” You bit your lip, meeting Sherlock’s gaze another time before frowning sadly. Sherlock flinched, as if just dying to step forward but pausing knowing it would only end in your death.

Moriarty clapped, pulling you from your thoughts. “Okay, enough with the distractions. Time to choose.”

“What if I don’t?” Sherlock countered.

Moriarty laughed. “Then i’ll kill them both.” He suddenly turned serious, pausing; “so you see, either way someone’s going to die.” Glancing at his watch, Moriarty took a dramatic sigh. “Time’s racing Sherlock, thirty seconds before I shoot them both. Make. A. Choice.”

Your eyes widened, your chest tightening painfully and you glanced over at Sherlock a final time. For the first time ever, he seemed genuinely scared, looking back and forth between his best friend and girlfriend. You didn’t know what to think - part of you wanted him to chose you, but at the same time, you didn’t want John to die.

“What if I choose myself?” Sherlock asked after a few moments of silence - ten seconds had passed. 

“Hmm?”

“What if I choose myself?” Sherlock repeated, frantic. “I chose myself.”

Your eyes widened at his response - you didn’t know what to think.

“Uh-uh,” Moriarty shook his head. “You choose yourself and they still die. You aren’t part of the options.”

Silence echoed.

“Ten seconds, Sherlock!” Moriarty sang.

Nine.

Nothing. Sherlock said nothing.

Eight.

He glanced around, as if for some kind of answer.

Seven.

Your eyes met John’s and you sent him a gentle smile.

Six.

If he chose John, you could accept that.

Five.

Even be happy with it - Sherlock may love you, but they were a team.

Four.

Meeting Sherlock’s eyes, you smiled reassuringly.

Three.

“Time’s running out, Sherlock!”

Two....

One....

Sherlock said nothing, and then a smile grew on his face. “No one.” He whispered and you felt panic spike at you. “I chose no one.”

You braced yourself to be shot - you’d die because of Sherlock’s cockiness.

But instead, only clapping echoed and Moriarty smiled. “You passed the test!” He exclaimed, taking a step back. “A game of choice and you chose nothing. Well done, Sherlock.”

You furrowed your brows, utterly confused and by the look on John’s face, he was just as confused.

“Time to go,” Moriarty explained. “It’s been fun, but - I must.” He spun around and his eyes fell on you - something told you that wouldn’t be the last time you saw him. “Ta-ta darling.” The door opened and then he was gone.

You let out a breath, falling on your knees as Sherlock hastily pulled off the bomb attached to John. You curled into yourself, hyperventilating as you forgot about where you were.

“You okay?” Sherlock hastily asked John; “John! Are you okay?”

“Fine!” He huffed, glancing you. “Just - check on Y/N! Y/N Sherlock!”

A moment later you felt hands on your arms, pulling your gaze up where you found Sherlock. “Are you okay?” He asked, cupping your cheeks. You couldn’t think straight, your vision was blurry and you thought you might pass out. “Y/N, it’s going to be okay. You’re fine. You’re fine.” Sherlock tried to reassuring as you shook in place.

You fell against Sherlock in a moment of weakness and oddly enough, he embraced you in return.

“Jesus Christ, Sherlock.”

Pressing a gentle kiss against your forehead, Sherlock glanced back at John who was panting in shock. “It’ll be okay...” Sherlock mumbled, “we’re all going to be okay.”

But Moriarty wasn’t gone - he’d always be just around the corner.

I worked really hard on this, so it’d me the world to me if you could let me know what you thought. Feedback please! And remember, reblogging always helps!

[thestuckylibrary]

Mod’s Reads: February 2018

Here’s the list of everything the Mods have read this past month!

Mod Iamnmbr3

The Wedding of Bucky Barnes by stephrc79 (complete | 67,805 | T )

This is the story of how an instagramming, trolling, pain in the ass got married to an equally annoying, artistic, bossy, stubborn blond oaf.

Or, you know, how one James Buchanan Barnes, Instagram Extraordinaire, married Captain America himself, one Steven Grant Rogers.

between everything, yourself, and home by napricot (complete | 24,396 | E )

This is your home?” asks Bucky at one point. “It’s where I’m living now, yeah.” Bucky comes home. Steve's a little slower on the uptake.

despite the threatening sky and shuddering earth (they remained) by praximeter (Zimario) (WIP | 53,118 | M )

“They really didn’t want the mask to come off.” Hill thumbed through the scans, and pulled out a film that she then handed over to Sam, face mostly expressionless but for the flat line of her pursed lips.

Sam accepted the film and held it up to the light, angling so both he and Steve could see it, squinting at the outline of the Winter Soldier’s skull, and the blips of unnatural white that showed up, God, in his brain, not to mention about half his teeth, plus the mask, with its thin protrusions—

“Those are pins,” Steve realized. He looked over at Hill. “The mask—it’s nailed to his face.”

Hill’s face was as unmoved as ever. “Like I said. They really didn’t want it coming off.”

Broken White Boy by herecomesbucktofuckshitup (complete | 2,405 | T )

Shuri fixes Bucky Barnes.

ROGERS: An American Musical by HopeNight (complete | 11,317 | T )

In the MCU, instead of picking up a biography of Alexander Hamilton, Lin-Manuel Miranda picks up a biography of Steve Rogers. This changes things. While the world goes insane for the musical, Steve and the man who believes himself to be Bucky Barnes find their own ways to take control of their narratives.

So here's the real question: How does a half-dead orphan born in the middle of a forgotten spot in the tenements of New York without a father and raised by a single mother grow up to be the first and only super soldier?

Tender, Like a Bruise by Bohemienne (complete | 1,932 | T )

Bucky is awake and healed, but Steve’s afraid of what it will mean.

There Is No Shortage of Blood* by alby_mangroves, Dira Sudis (dsudis) (WIP | 109,855 | E ) *past noncon 

The long slow recovery of Bucky Barnes after his escape from HYDRA.

(And the longer, slower recovery of his sex life.)

just goddamn marry me already, for fuck’s sake by newsbypostcard (complete | 6,376 | E )

“Do you,” Steve says, fingers newly tugging Bucky’s underwear until it starts to slide off his hips, “want to marry me, or not?”

Bucky sighs. “You know, in some circles people would consider this interrogation under duress.”

Mod Blue

In honor of v-day from spitandvinegar

For @silentwalrus1 , ANG Steve and Bucky sexting, incorporating a couple of very sensual lines from @pornhubcommentsonvalentines . I regret nothing.

The Job Between Here and There by Pohadka (complete | 40,336 | M)

He might be free from HYDRA’s command and making his own life now, but James Buchanan Barnes is far more lost than he’d ever been before. Nothing matches the vague memories he’s recovered so far, and the world has progressed far beyond needing soldiers. To find out what he wants, and how to get it, he just needs a little… Leverage.

Part 1 of The Job Between Here and There

It's Just Temporary by perfect_plan (complete | 52,615 | M)

Bucky Barnes has no idea what he wants to do with his life and is stumbling from one temp job to the next. Hopefully he can keep his new job at Stark Industries for longer than a week...

the cold never bothered me anyway by icoulddothisallday (complete | 75,562 | E)

Bucky Barnes has spent his whole life in a state of mild hypothermia. Steve Rogers has spent the last 70 years in the ice. The two things aren’t related until, suddenly, they are. Shrunkyclunks soulmate AU (AKA the awkward bb au).

The Wishing Stone by greenbergsays (onehot | 2,850 | E)

“Rogers,” Natasha said as she pushed her way into Steve’s bedroom. “We have a situation. Have you seen -- oh.”

She stopped short.

Behind her, she knew, was the sleek, expansive space of Steve’s apartment in Stark Tower; filled to the brim with the latest gadgets and sturdiest furniture Stark could find for his favorite super soldier.

The door to Steve’s bedroom, however, was a gateway to a completely different time and place.

How To Woo A Winter Demon by cleo4u2, xantissa (oneshot | 6,938 | T)

Steve slept in the ice for a long, long time. Longer than anyone thought possible. For over two thousand years before S.H.I.E.L.D. found and unfroze him. Yeah, the world was different and so were his team members. Team-creatures? Steve’s not sure what the politically-correct term is. There’s a lot of things he doesn’t know. What he does is that the demon living on the seventh sub-level is hot.

The Art Of Cooking For Two by littleblackfox (complete | 92,761 | M) (reread)

“Any questions?” “Uh. What the fuck am I doing here?” Bucky offers.

Writing His Own Happy Ending by LightningStriking (complete | 25,022 | E)

Bucky Barnes is a writer. A gay erotic fiction writer to be precise. With a successful career, a questionably functioning computer, and an addiction to watching cat videos while eating Chinese food. Steve Rogers is an editor. Of many things, not least of all, Bucky Barnes gay erotic fiction. A working relationship that was working just fine for both parties. Until, after years of communicating purely via e-mail, the two men meet in person. And Bucky quickly realizes that Steve not only has a fantastic eye for detail, he's got a smile that could melt any heart, and a body any one of Bucky's fictional heroes would die to touch. A sentiment Bucky shares. So how does Bucky begin his immediate campaign to win his way into Steve's bed, and his heart? By playing to his strengths. In other words, by writing a new series of sex filled stories staring a muscle bound blond and a seductively enticing brunet. Any resemblance to actual persons purely intentional. If editing Bucky's steamy stories hadn't given Steve all sorts of inappropriate fantasies before, it certainly does now...

seapup by wearing_tearing (oneshot | 1,765 | M)

There are a lot of monsters down in the deep dark sea, Steve included. But he is not prey and he is not about to let himself be eaten.

Into That Good Night by Nonymos (complete | 73,540 | E)

Steve Rogers has lived for entirely too long—long enough to see the world's end. The heroes are gone, and the Earth is pushing what's left of mankind towards the exit.

But when a makeshift team rises from the ashes, when a mysterious presence all but drags Steve there, he begins to think there may be hope yet. As they shoot for the stars one last time, Steve will get proof yet again that the future is nothing if not an echo of the past.

Other than that, this month Mod Blue fell into an Altered Carbon shaped hole. Please send help and/or Stucky Altered Carbon AUs with happy endings.

Mod Julia

Not the Jealous Type by justanothersong (oneshot | 3,377 | G)

“Oh, I get it,” Tony said, smug little grin playing across his features. “You’re all angsty because your partner took time off to hang out with his war buddy, and you’re cooped up here doing paperwork. Is that it?”

“Did I not just say to leave it alone?” Sam huffed in response.

Places left behind by Claudia_flies (oneshot | 7,175 | E)

As Steve approaches the door of the walk-in closet, there’s a sudden growl. It’s low and defensive, and Steve freezes. He’s only wearing a towel, he suddenly realizes stupidly.

“Jarvis?” he calls out.

“Yes, sir?” comes the clipped voice of the A.I over the comms system.

“Is there someone in the closet?”

a desert in my heart and nowhere to hide by endofadream (oneshot | 3,720 | E)

Steve struggles to push himself upright, already muttering, “Sorry, sorry, sorry,” and stops when Bucky’s metal hand clamps down onto the back of his neck. It’s hardly more than its usual gentle hold, but immediately Steve melts, tension leeching from his body even as his heart pounds in his chest.

Bucky draws in a ragged breath behind him. “Is that what you want?” he asks after a pause.

tutorial by belovedmuerto (oneshot | 2,362 | T)

“I’m pretty sure I’m a terrible kisser,” Steve mutters, mostly to his pencil and paper.

Still Learning Every Day by Nejinee (oneshot | 5,024 | M)

“Oh, don’t tell me you fell in love with a stripper. Come on, Steve. I’m too tired to go into Manhattan and fight some asshat for your virtue. Or would I have to dance for it?”

--

Steve loves Bucky, always has. He just never figured any other men would turn his head until he goes to a strip club and learns that it's not just women who can be strippers these days.

The Necrofloranomicon by leveragehunters (Monkeygreen) (complete | 47,569 | T)

Bucky didn't want much. Just to keep his head down, to sell his flowers in peace, and to stay off Shield's radar. His life would have been a lot easier if his flowers weren't dead and if being a necromancer wasn't illegal, but easy or not, he was getting by. Steve didn't want much, either. He was happy working for Shield, he had good friends, and overall his life was going just about the way he wanted it. Problem was, being happy with your life was generally an invitation for fate to throw a spanner in the works—and in Steve's specific case, it was going to be a spanner named Bucky.

Fuck Valentine's Day by jinlinli (oneshot | 4,218 | T)

Steve and Bucky's friends finally get sick and tired of their obliviousness, so they set them up on a blind date on Valentine's Day. But of course, they think it's just a prank because they're idiots.

Ex Libris by CloudAtlas (oneshot | 8,066 | T)

When the last customer has been dealt with, Steve turns to his new companion with, “Hi. I’m Steve, I’m new,” and finds a guy about his own height, with a kind smile and his long hair in a messy bun.

“Hi,” the guy says. “I’m James and I’m old.”

Stupid Cupid (you're a real mean guy) by chicklette (oneshot | 6,846 | E)

It's February and the weather in Brooklyn in shitty. So when his best friend Bucky offers Steve a week-long, all expenses paid trip to Mexico, he figures, what could go wrong? So what if it's a couples-only resort. Over Valentine's Day.

The Roommate by layersofsilence, Niitza (complete | 28,632 | T)

In which Steven G. Rogers, a.k.a. Captain America, gets a roommate. Who rapidly turns into his "roommate"—in the euphemistic sense of the word.

It takes SHIELD and the rest of the Avengers an absurd amount of time to notice.

No Faraway Shore by eyres (complete | 56,906 | T)

President James Barnes has spent his career saying that the defining moment of his life was when he discovered that Steve Rogers had sacrificed himself while Bucky had lain in a New York hospital bed with only one arm.

Now, Bucky would say it was when SHIELD told him Steve was alive.

The one where Bucky is President, Steve makes friends and enemies in the future, and a wedding in the Rose Garden has to wait until Hydra is defeated again.

[theunderdogwrites]

Ghislaine Maxwell: Co-Conspirator or Victim?

There are a few things in this world that gross me out to my very core:

-          Children eating ice cream. Just no. More gets on their face than in their mouths and it activates my gag reflex and I must look away in horror. And someone get the hose because I am not touching any of it come clean up time.

-          Feet.  There are no words

-          Bestial older men who terrorize young women and under-age girls with sex and those who help them engage in lascivious behavior. Should this not be something that disgusts everyone?

My zodiac sign pegs me as more of a leader than a follower. I find this laughable, but some around me might argue that I am capable of taking the reigns, but not always the best at adhering to authority exerted by others. If I am challenging you for your position, it’s because you’re either a bully or a fucking senseless shitbag and I don’t want those around you subjected to your vast lack of insight. Because in reality, I am super happy to follow intelligent, respectful human beings and even behave myself. It means I can just smile and nod and day dream – my favorite pastime.

If you are not familiar with the name Ghislaine Maxwell, I still hope you cringe at the name Jeffery Epstein. Convicted sex offender and all-around sack of malevolent slime. Also, a coward. Also, unfortunately dead (either by his own hand *I don’t believe it* or snuffed out by some frightened people of great power *I believe this*) before he was able to be made someone’s bitch in prison. Such a tragedy when sex offenders / sex traffickers don’t live long enough in prison to be passed around and used like a cum dumpster. Sometimes the punishment SHOULD fit the crime.

There is plenty of information out there about Ghislaine Maxwell. Here are a few key points on her:

-          Her father was Robert Maxwell. He was a British media proprietor, a former member of Parliament (MP), a suspected spy, and a fraudster (having misappropriated the pension funds of his employees). Just to give you a good idea of who Robert Maxwell was: he was the inspiration for the villainous media baron Elliot Carver in the 1997 James Bond film Tomorrow Never Dies. I. Am. Jealous!

 -          Her father died in November 1991. He had boarded his 190-foot yacht, aptly name, Lady Ghislaine and found the next morning naked, spread-eagled and afloat in the Atlantic. Two autopsies could not conclusively prove a cause of death, but most say suicide because he was set to answer questions surrounding his corporation’s billion-pound debt load that was distributed among at least nine different international banks and investment firms, and the massive hole in its pension reserves. In simpler terms – he was fucked

 -          Robert Maxwell left his family in ruins. Ghislaine, his favorite child whom he groomed in his image from a young age, was understandably crushed

  -          Ghislaine is best known for being a socialite with immense connections among the international elite. It’s been stated that she was quite personable, a little bit quirky and therefore often a standout at parties; with many people being drawn to her. (Side note: I recently watched the HBO documentary on her titled, ‘Epstein’s Shadow’ and the tagline under ALL of the people they interviewed who knew her on a social level read, “former friend of Ghislaine Maxwell”. This just made me laugh. I’ve tried to envision the conversation where these people demanded that FORMER be included. Yes, quickly distance yourself from the stink less they think you too might smell bad)

  -          Depending on who you listen to, Ghislaine met Epstein in either the late 1980’s when her father introduced them (how apropos) or in the late 1990’s at a party in New York following a difficult breakup with a Count. I wonder what breaking up with a Count looks like, feels like. A Count is a historical title of nobility in certain European countries, generally of average rank in the hierarchy of nobility. So basically, he’s not THAT special. But probably feels he is because, well, he has a title. Just imagine the insult you could hurl at him during the break-up: “Count von Count has a bigger penis than you!” *If you do not know who that is – just leave now because you’re shameful*.

 -          Epstein and Maxwell started out as a couple, but that morphed into more of a companionship / friendship / let’s rape young girls together type situation. You know, how most connections organically evolve.

 -          Ghislaine Maxwell has been accused of befriending minors and attempting to build a relationship with them, then later delivering them to Jeffrey Epstein to abuse. Maxwell would allegedly lure the young girls to Epstein’s residence under the guise of paid massage work. She’d target disadvantaged minors who she thought wouldn’t be able to refuse the money. Maxwell & Epstein allegedly lured slightly older women into their gross lives with the promise to assist in their careers.

 -          Additionally, Maxwell and Epstein have been accused of trafficking some of these girls out to their friends and associates among their extremely elite circle. Most notably, is Prince Andrew. Investigators have identified as many as 36 girls that were victims of Epstein and Maxwell’s sex trafficking ring. Some of them - as young as 14. It’s believed there are many more victims yet to be identified.

 -          Following Epstein’s arrest in July 2019, the FBI started looking for Ghislaine. She went into hiding. Eleven months after Epstein’s “suicide” in prison on August 10, 2019, Maxwell was located. She was arrested in New Hampshire, where she was living a life of seclusion on a sprawling ranch.

 -          Ghislaine Maxwell faces federal charges including transporting a minor for the purposes of criminal sexual activity, and conspiring to entice minors to travel and engage in illegal sex acts. She is awaiting trial in a Manhattan jail. A trial that was to begin July 12, 2021 but has been delayed till the fall at the request of Maxwell.

 You now know all you need to know about Ghislaine Maxwell for the purposes of finishing this piece.

The HBO documentary poised a question and instead of answering it, they’ve pretty much left this viewer with repetitive thoughts and disrupted sleep while trying to answer that very question… ‘Ghislaine Maxwell, Co-Conspirator or Victim?’.

Victim: a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency / a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency

My first thought when this question came up: “Wow HBO, if I was a victim of Epstein’s depravity, I’d be so pissed at you right now. Daring to group in the woman accused (several times over) of basically being a fancy pimp and securing playthings for her rich, giant-faced brute and his pals, with the young women whose lives and brain chemistry (yes, I said that: see TRAUMA) have been forever altered by Epstein’s fuckery… BOLD”.

But that thought took me to this thought: “Ghislaine was a Daddy’s girl. And as we know, her dad was a fiend. It is repeated many times in print, that Robert Maxwell conditioned his daughter and corrupted her character. In some twisted way, there might be a case in which she is in fact, a victim. A victim of a severe patriarchal environment that started at a young age and was instrumental in forming her concepts of success, decency and love (given and received)”.

My mind then went straight to this:

 She was raised by a plump, rotten human being and most likely, wanted to please her dad… as most daughters often do, and perhaps never thought to question anything. How many of us are guilty of that?

Robert Maxwell passes (Ghislaine has maintained that he was murdered, but with no evidence to support her claims) and the now lost, without a compass Ghislaine, finds her way to Jeffery Epstein.

I think there is something to be said for what and who we attract into our lives. And for what and who we allow to stay in our lives. I’m just going to assume that the majority of people in this world do not willingly desire to attract destructive, soul sucking wankers into their lives, but have had to expunge a number of them from their existence. Full vision doesn’t always mean you are not blind. Love can be murky and really fuck up those rose-coloured glasses.

Co-Conspirator: A co-conspirator is a fellow conspirator - someone engaged in a secret plan by multiple people to do something evil or illegal

By this definition, Ghislaine Maxwell should be spending a great deal of the rest of her life in prison.

She saw bad stuff. She blinded herself to bad stuff. She facilitated bad stuff. She became the bad stuff.

If I was the prosecuting attorney, I might end with those four sentences. But make it all dramatic… throw in a brief pause after each one… maybe do the Bill Clinton “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” thumb gesture:

 On second thought, considering how intertwined he could be in all of this… I’d most likely just use the classier karate chop into the open palm to bring my points home:

 (Side Note: if you really hate your life, try a deep dive on active hand gestures and how they often provide social leverage)

 So, to finally answer HBO’s question: ‘Ghislaine Maxwell, Co-Conspirator or Victim?’…

As I was told numerous times in counselling… “You are not at fault for the things that happened to you when you were young and had no control. But as an adult, you can’t let those past experiences define you and your actions. If you do, then you are responsible for the things you do now”.

Fault is past tense. Responsibility is present tense.

Ghislaine is not at fault for how she was raised or groomed, but if she lured just ONE girl/woman into Epstein’s clutches to be raped and trafficked, then she is absolutely responsible and should be held fully accountable.

She was a victim who turned into not just a co-conspirator but also a lying coward.

I believe ALL the women.

[calamity-bean]

Harlots 1.04 reactions

So, I LOVED THIS EPISODE. Tensions are rising all around, yes, in subtle and overt ways alike, and there are definitely many things being set up to go HORRIBLY WRONG, yes, but I loved it. And look how precious Lucy looks with her hair all up in curls!

What’s the etiquette about how long I have to wait before screaming about this ep publicly, btw? Or posting caps or gifs of it? ‘Cause, like, I don’t wanna spoil anything for anyone, but uh. I’ve got a lot of feelings. I will always tag #harlots spoilers on things from the most recent ep, but it’s difficult to know when things are considered fair game when it’s airing on different schedules and platforms internationally.

For now, spoilers below the cut. In which I offer unexpectedly Deep Thoughts™ about that final scene and ramble about my favorite bits — namely:

VIOLET + AMELIA + THE FEAST IN HELL

“There’s a story, about a feast in Hell...”

Oh my god, I am slain. I love these two. And oysters! Feeding each other oysters, for goodness’ sake. Would clams have been too on the nose, you think?

Then again, maybe those were clams. I don’t know how to tell shellfish apart. But I do know a beautiful blossoming sapphic romance when I see one, and I’m so glad that this one was not destined to be only subtext. And yes, Violet definitely moved a bit fast there — one wonders if women loving women is even a concept that exists in Amelia’s brain, sheltered as she is — but I can’t wait to see how Amelia reacts later on and where they do or do not go from here.

It’s also just lovely to see Amelia getting some independence from her mother. I feel for her, because one can plainly tell that she truly loves her mother and is devoted to her, so even though Florence is not a fave of mine, I sympathize with Amelia’s love. And with Florence’s love for Amelia in turn. Not to mention that I’m much more intrigued by Florence as of this episode than I was previously, given the revelation about her past!

HARRIET LENNOX DIDO, QUEEN OF CARTHAGE

Let’s just say that I, like Lord Repton, am impressed by Harriet’s performance here. I mean. Damn. I’ve been calling Nancy the dominatrix of my heart, but Harriet seems cut from the same cloth. I was pretty weak for her bossiness, I gotta say.

I really love Harriet, and although I sympathize with her initial resistance to taking this step and don’t want her to do anything she doesn’t want to, I have to agree that harloting stands her a better chance of earning enough money to buy her children’s freedom than simply being a kitchen maid did. That scene where she goes to see her kids and Benjamin sends them inside — HEARTBREAKING.

Honestly, fuck Ben Lennox and his pouty little face. My heart just, like, aches thinking of how much Harriet misses her kiddos, and I thought it was well-done and in-character that the thing that made her actually consider harloting in the first place was hearing about Kitty’s child.

And then we come to the end of the episode and holy SHIT:

I THOUGHT I WAS IMAGINING THE WEIRD SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN CHARLOTTE AND HAXBY.

I WAS NOT.

I was ... not imagining it. 

Look — I already loved Edward Hogg from his roles in Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell and Taboo, so I suppose I’ve been trying to convince myself that the way he and Charlotte kept ... flirt-bickering in previous eps was just me projecting my feelings for him onto their interactions. Inflating his character’s importance in my head, y’know? I occasionally allowed myself to play with the idea that something like this would happen (despite more seriously shipping Charlotte with Marney), but I didn’t think it actually would!

Not that this is honestly a good turn of events, mind. A bit of frantic hate-sex up against a wall is not going to make Charlotte and Haxby actually like each other, and now more than ever, I suspect that this little war between them is going to end badly for them both. Probably worse for Haxby, considering he’s not, y’know, a main series protagonist. But I always foresaw this feud creating big problems for Charlotte somewhere down the line, and now it has even more potential than ever for very big problems indeed. For the nonce, though? To be honest, for the nonce, I can’t help but simply grin about my boy getting quality hate fucked. Didn’t really look like Mr. Haxby is the world’s most talented lover, so far as finesse goes, but at least he’s passionate!

More seriously, it’s a fascinating turn of events for both of them, from a characterization perspective. Fun to see Haxby both literally and metaphorically so much less buttoned-up than usual, yes, dropping his priggish, holier-than-thou attitude so readily, but the real point of interest is, of course, Charlotte. A major theme throughout this episode is that she is losing control. Despite what she says in her handjob lesson to Lucy about how men and their dicks are the easiest things in the world to manage, Charlotte is losing her grip on Howard, and she’s losing her grip on herself when it comes to Marney.

So, fucking Haxby? Was about regaining control. It was about her being upset and angry and set aside and disregarded and betrayed by both Howard and her own feelings, and then here comes this jerk who always acts so superior to her, so it’s about literally grabbing this jackass by the dick and regaining control in the way that Charlotte is used to controlling men. Even snooty Haxby can’t resist her, yeah? It was an impulsive and bitter and aggressive act, but in the moment, at least, I think it gave her back a sense of power.

The consequences ... I’m not sure what the consequences will be. She could leverage it against Haxby, or he could leverage it against her. As much as I like the idea that they could possibly overcome their differences, I doubt it will suddenly be sunshine and kittens between them now, let’s just say that.

Other Things:

Lucy catching the eyes of Lords Fallon & Osborne? NOT GOOD, Y'ALL. NOT HEARTENED BY THIS TURN OF EVENTS.

I feel so protective of Lucy, I am so afraid for her. This poor girl has already been through way too much and I just ... want to fight anyone who would dare harm her. Just having to be a harlot is obviously traumatic enough for her, not to mention her time at the Reptons; plleeeease don’t throw her to the mercy of the likes of Fallon and Osborne, too...

Holy shit, it’s Lydia without her makeup and wig! I scarcely recognized her. She looks so normal!

Emily and Charles ... Charles and Emily. I kind of love their relationship? I don’t know. He’s a fool for sure, and she can be a bit of a fool, too, and it’s almost endearing to see him try to stand up to Mama, but mostly it just makes me cringe. Emily’s not among my favorites, but I don’t wish any ill on her, and I hope she manages to escape at some point now that she’s starting to glimpse below the Quigley house’s gilded surface.

Since Emily’s so wrapped up in the Quigley side of the narrative, though, dare I suspect that one of her big roles in the narrative might be to stumble upon some information regarding the kidnappings...?

Good for Marie-Louise for jumping ship, though. She’s a businesswoman. Sees an opportunity, seizes it. I like her.

We’re four eps in and I’m only now figuring out what the heck Josef Altin’s character, like, is. (i.e., He’s also a sex worker.) Up till now he was just spying and loitering sneakily and I didn’t quite know what his deal was. I still do not, however, know his name. I’m sure they said it, but I didn’t catch it. Altin’s not listed on the show’s IMDb, for some reason (neither is Ed Hogg??), so I can’t even check there. I’ve just been calling him Pyp. I suspect that even if I do manage to pick up his name, I will continue to call him Pyp.

Anyway, the point of that tangent is that I really liked the outfit he was wearing for the masquerade.

Lord and Lady Repton continue to be the strangest humans, and I cringe a little thinking of what Marney must be putting up with in their employ. Marney, if they invite you out for hunting, fucking run.

Anyway, if y’all need me, I’ll be lowkey screaming inside about this episode till next week. You are always welcome to come scream your thoughts at me!

[jeffrmayhugh]

BREAKING: Microsoft JUST Released the Cryptocurrency Bulls! [VERY CREEPY]

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

All right. Welcome back, everybody. My name is Austin. This is weird. Microsoft has just filed a patent for a new cryptocurrency and a new mining system. This is breaking news. This directly affects you. Microsoft wants to create and has just filed a patent to create a new cryptocurrency that’s still mined using proof of work which is how Bitcoin is mined with mining rigs now still using proof of work except replacing expensive mining rigs with basic human energy. So replacing the mining rigs with you now. If that sounds a little strange to you. Let’s take a deep dive into the very detailed patent published yesterday filed by Microsoft. It’s called cryptocurrency system using body activity data. This is the patent cryptocurrency system using body activity data. Now we can go through the description the claims that they’re making. But I want to start by checking out the drawing. They claim this is proof of work. Help them hold the coins will be mined into existence. But instead, you are that work. So you’ll be wearing some sort of sensor doing some sort of activity. An example given is you could be watching ads on your computer. And that would create energy and mind crypto. Well actually first that data would go into the cloud and then that data would then mine the cryptocurrency. And yes this is real. This has it lists the agents the inventors’ applicants Microsoft technology licensing. So let’s dig deeper. According to the patent, Microsoft coin would make use of body activity data. This would allow individuals to mind crypto and replace the need for A6. This does sound borderline creepy but if you can get past the idea of wiring humans up to some kind of server tracking their energy output it could be a sustainable way of mining crypto without damaging the environment. Quick side notes many people like to disparage bitcoin for using what they say using too much electricity. But you know it uses more electricity than bitcoin. The video game industry the Christmas light industry uses more electricity. So the question then becomes is the juice worth the squeeze. Is this electricity worth it for what we’re getting in return? A decentralized censorship-resistant money Bitcoin that’s worth it to me. But anyway Microsoft is trying to solve that problem by using human energy output and just to be clear this patent isn’t asking for a bunch of gym-goers to run on the treadmill and create Microsoft coin. It does give an interesting example though. For example, it could take as little like a brain wave or body heat emitted from a user when the user performs tasks provided by an information or service provider such as viewing advertisements or using certain internet services can be used in the mining process. So if you watch ads you could get a little more Microsoft coin and they are calling this proof of work. Data generated on the body activity of the user can be proof of work and therefore a user can solve the computationally difficult problem unconsciously. So you won’t even have to think about it. Microsoft will be using you. This could be you someday. This could be you. Now before I share with you a really revealing clip on where this economy where this market may be headed next. Like the video, if you appreciate being kept up to date with daily news but just no at this stage Microsoft still hasn’t stated whether their new crypto will be based on an existing blockchain in particular or whether Microsoft will create its own framework. It’s also not certain whether this new cryptocurrency will actually go ahead. But in case you were thinking about using human brain waves to replace hash power sorry Microsoft has the patent. I guess if we can assume anything this probably will not have a fixed supply right as long as you keep watch ads. You can probably mine more and more kind of makes you value things that do have a fixed supply and are decentralized next piece of news as the pandemic slams the economy. A record three point three million Americans have officially filed for unemployment. That’s three-point three million Americans who are not working obviously through no fault of their own. But the U.S. unemployment rate has likely risen to 5.5 percent. Already a level not seen since 2015. Now obviously in opposition to this, the Fed is pumping trillions of dollars into the economy. So the question is is this economy back on its way up or with all those millions of people who are not working right now. Are we going lower as a bitcoin holder? This is information that you think about. It’s not just the pandemic is it right that the market structure the debt loads everything else that was already in place the pandemic may have just been that chip on the Jenga stack if you will. Yeah, I mean Brian if you want to think of this as a house of cards that was built by the policymakers in order to bail out the financial system during the crisis. You know one day you know a breeze came along and knocked over one of the cards in the spring. It’s bringing the whole house down. House of Cards very funny definitely fits. But the economy is pumping a little higher. What do you think? Well, the house. I mean listen to Scott. The equity market rose 13 percent this week. I understand we’re still well down on the year. Seems like the is shored up the credit markets a little bit. But it sounds like you’re not believing that the bottom is in yet. No, I don’t think so. I mean Brian when we look at some of the data that we’re getting with unemployment insurance claims and so on and so forth it would suggest that you know we’re gonna roll We’re gonna get to a place worse than the financial crisis up economically. Unemployment perhaps around 15 percent and an economic contraction for the year let’s say maybe in the neighbourhood of 10 percent. These are pretty nasty numbers. And when you look at valuations on stocks is the degree of overvaluation where we were at the peak just six weeks ago versus the peak in valuation that occurred in 0 7 has been nowhere had been much more extreme and the decline we got from the downturn in 07 was a 55 percent drawdown in stocks. We’ve been around 34 percent so far. It just doesn’t seem that given the economic backdrop that the prices have adjusted to reflect the economic reality about pushed back a little bit my friend because I remember in September of 08 going down to DC and having meetings with congressional leaders to explain to them what a credit default swap was. And then months went by before we got really anything done. They were slow this time in the course of a week. We got the Fed thrown probably seven to 10 trillion dollars at it with leverage and a two trillion dollar relief bill. Aren’t you encouraged at all by the speed and I’m hard I can’t believe I’m saying this The speed at which DC reactive look you Brian it’s a lot more encouraging than the financial crisis. OK. I like that discussion. To me, one of the key takeaways is in a lot of ways we have seen this before and in a lot of ways we have never seen anything quite like this before. So everybody here is just discussing they’re just guessing. Anybody that tells you that they know what’s going to happen they don’t. But next piece of news and actually this is more just helpful information because this channel has always been a channel for the people stand during hard times and to lockdown quarantine house arrest people will look to order food online. Here we can build a list of groceries accepting bitcoin and can deliver at home. Now me personally I’m holding my bitcoin and I’m spending my Fiat but obviously there comes a point. You know you have to spend some time and here’s a list of grocery stores that accept Bitcoin. Also, the list is being added to down here I’m going to link this down below in the description. Check it out. Just more options to help you. Hey speaking of helping the Federal Reserve as of March 26 they have just released their statistics. They’ve just released their balance sheet for the public and it’s official. The Federal Reserve is printing ONE MILLION DOLLARS EVERY SECOND. Outrageous. The U.S. is Federal Reserve balance sheet has increased by five hundred and eighty-six billion dollars to a total amount of 5.2 to five trillion dollars in the week of March 18th through March 25th. This means that on average the Fed has been printing roughly almost a million nine hundred and seventy thousand dollars every second. During that time period in its efforts to keep the market alive amid the pandemic outbreak. So a million dollars every second and to put it another way. In fact, the Fed has been printing the equivalent of Bitcoin’s market cap every 35 hours. And quick check in the market cap for bitcoin right now is one hundred and fourteen billion dollars. So every 36 hours the Fed prints the entire market cap of Bitcoin. Interesting times. Feel free to fact check any of that math all the data is right there public for you. Check it out. All right. That is the video. Hope you found value.

source https://www.cryptosharks.net/microsoft-just-released-the-cryptocurrency/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=breaking-microsoft-just-released-the-cryptocurrency-bulls-very-creepy source https://cryptosharks1.tumblr.com/post/613990016848396288

[heatherrdavis1]

BREAKING: Microsoft JUST Released the Cryptocurrency Bulls! [VERY CREEPY]

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

All right. Welcome back, everybody. My name is Austin. This is weird. Microsoft has just filed a patent for a new cryptocurrency and a new mining system. This is breaking news. This directly affects you. Microsoft wants to create and has just filed a patent to create a new cryptocurrency that’s still mined using proof of work which is how Bitcoin is mined with mining rigs now still using proof of work except replacing expensive mining rigs with basic human energy. So replacing the mining rigs with you now. If that sounds a little strange to you. Let’s take a deep dive into the very detailed patent published yesterday filed by Microsoft. It’s called cryptocurrency system using body activity data. This is the patent cryptocurrency system using body activity data. Now we can go through the description the claims that they’re making. But I want to start by checking out the drawing. They claim this is proof of work. Help them hold the coins will be mined into existence. But instead, you are that work. So you’ll be wearing some sort of sensor doing some sort of activity. An example given is you could be watching ads on your computer. And that would create energy and mind crypto. Well actually first that data would go into the cloud and then that data would then mine the cryptocurrency. And yes this is real. This has it lists the agents the inventors’ applicants Microsoft technology licensing. So let’s dig deeper. According to the patent, Microsoft coin would make use of body activity data. This would allow individuals to mind crypto and replace the need for A6. This does sound borderline creepy but if you can get past the idea of wiring humans up to some kind of server tracking their energy output it could be a sustainable way of mining crypto without damaging the environment. Quick side notes many people like to disparage bitcoin for using what they say using too much electricity. But you know it uses more electricity than bitcoin. The video game industry the Christmas light industry uses more electricity. So the question then becomes is the juice worth the squeeze. Is this electricity worth it for what we’re getting in return? A decentralized censorship-resistant money Bitcoin that’s worth it to me. But anyway Microsoft is trying to solve that problem by using human energy output and just to be clear this patent isn’t asking for a bunch of gym-goers to run on the treadmill and create Microsoft coin. It does give an interesting example though. For example, it could take as little like a brain wave or body heat emitted from a user when the user performs tasks provided by an information or service provider such as viewing advertisements or using certain internet services can be used in the mining process. So if you watch ads you could get a little more Microsoft coin and they are calling this proof of work. Data generated on the body activity of the user can be proof of work and therefore a user can solve the computationally difficult problem unconsciously. So you won’t even have to think about it. Microsoft will be using you. This could be you someday. This could be you. Now before I share with you a really revealing clip on where this economy where this market may be headed next. Like the video, if you appreciate being kept up to date with daily news but just no at this stage Microsoft still hasn’t stated whether their new crypto will be based on an existing blockchain in particular or whether Microsoft will create its own framework. It’s also not certain whether this new cryptocurrency will actually go ahead. But in case you were thinking about using human brain waves to replace hash power sorry Microsoft has the patent. I guess if we can assume anything this probably will not have a fixed supply right as long as you keep watch ads. You can probably mine more and more kind of makes you value things that do have a fixed supply and are decentralized next piece of news as the pandemic slams the economy. A record three point three million Americans have officially filed for unemployment. That’s three-point three million Americans who are not working obviously through no fault of their own. But the U.S. unemployment rate has likely risen to 5.5 percent. Already a level not seen since 2015. Now obviously in opposition to this, the Fed is pumping trillions of dollars into the economy. So the question is is this economy back on its way up or with all those millions of people who are not working right now. Are we going lower as a bitcoin holder? This is information that you think about. It’s not just the pandemic is it right that the market structure the debt loads everything else that was already in place the pandemic may have just been that chip on the Jenga stack if you will. Yeah, I mean Brian if you want to think of this as a house of cards that was built by the policymakers in order to bail out the financial system during the crisis. You know one day you know a breeze came along and knocked over one of the cards in the spring. It’s bringing the whole house down. House of Cards very funny definitely fits. But the economy is pumping a little higher. What do you think? Well, the house. I mean listen to Scott. The equity market rose 13 percent this week. I understand we’re still well down on the year. Seems like the is shored up the credit markets a little bit. But it sounds like you’re not believing that the bottom is in yet. No, I don’t think so. I mean Brian when we look at some of the data that we’re getting with unemployment insurance claims and so on and so forth it would suggest that you know we’re gonna roll We’re gonna get to a place worse than the financial crisis up economically. Unemployment perhaps around 15 percent and an economic contraction for the year let’s say maybe in the neighbourhood of 10 percent. These are pretty nasty numbers. And when you look at valuations on stocks is the degree of overvaluation where we were at the peak just six weeks ago versus the peak in valuation that occurred in 0 7 has been nowhere had been much more extreme and the decline we got from the downturn in 07 was a 55 percent drawdown in stocks. We’ve been around 34 percent so far. It just doesn’t seem that given the economic backdrop that the prices have adjusted to reflect the economic reality about pushed back a little bit my friend because I remember in September of 08 going down to DC and having meetings with congressional leaders to explain to them what a credit default swap was. And then months went by before we got really anything done. They were slow this time in the course of a week. We got the Fed thrown probably seven to 10 trillion dollars at it with leverage and a two trillion dollar relief bill. Aren’t you encouraged at all by the speed and I’m hard I can’t believe I’m saying this The speed at which DC reactive look you Brian it’s a lot more encouraging than the financial crisis. OK. I like that discussion. To me, one of the key takeaways is in a lot of ways we have seen this before and in a lot of ways we have never seen anything quite like this before. So everybody here is just discussing they’re just guessing. Anybody that tells you that they know what’s going to happen they don’t. But next piece of news and actually this is more just helpful information because this channel has always been a channel for the people stand during hard times and to lockdown quarantine house arrest people will look to order food online. Here we can build a list of groceries accepting bitcoin and can deliver at home. Now me personally I’m holding my bitcoin and I’m spending my Fiat but obviously there comes a point. You know you have to spend some time and here’s a list of grocery stores that accept Bitcoin. Also, the list is being added to down here I’m going to link this down below in the description. Check it out. Just more options to help you. Hey speaking of helping the Federal Reserve as of March 26 they have just released their statistics. They’ve just released their balance sheet for the public and it’s official. The Federal Reserve is printing ONE MILLION DOLLARS EVERY SECOND. Outrageous. The U.S. is Federal Reserve balance sheet has increased by five hundred and eighty-six billion dollars to a total amount of 5.2 to five trillion dollars in the week of March 18th through March 25th. This means that on average the Fed has been printing roughly almost a million nine hundred and seventy thousand dollars every second. During that time period in its efforts to keep the market alive amid the pandemic outbreak. So a million dollars every second and to put it another way. In fact, the Fed has been printing the equivalent of Bitcoin’s market cap every 35 hours. And quick check in the market cap for bitcoin right now is one hundred and fourteen billion dollars. So every 36 hours the Fed prints the entire market cap of Bitcoin. Interesting times. Feel free to fact check any of that math all the data is right there public for you. Check it out. All right. That is the video. Hope you found value.

Via https://www.cryptosharks.net/microsoft-just-released-the-cryptocurrency/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=breaking-microsoft-just-released-the-cryptocurrency-bulls-very-creepy

source https://cryptosharks.weebly.com/blog/breaking-microsoft-just-released-the-cryptocurrency-bulls-very-creepy

[cryptosharks1]

BREAKING: Microsoft JUST Released the Cryptocurrency Bulls! [VERY CREEPY]

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

All right. Welcome back, everybody. My name is Austin. This is weird. Microsoft has just filed a patent for a new cryptocurrency and a new mining system. This is breaking news. This directly affects you. Microsoft wants to create and has just filed a patent to create a new cryptocurrency that’s still mined using proof of work which is how Bitcoin is mined with mining rigs now still using proof of work except replacing expensive mining rigs with basic human energy. So replacing the mining rigs with you now. If that sounds a little strange to you. Let’s take a deep dive into the very detailed patent published yesterday filed by Microsoft. It’s called cryptocurrency system using body activity data. This is the patent cryptocurrency system using body activity data. Now we can go through the description the claims that they’re making. But I want to start by checking out the drawing. They claim this is proof of work. Help them hold the coins will be mined into existence. But instead, you are that work. So you’ll be wearing some sort of sensor doing some sort of activity. An example given is you could be watching ads on your computer. And that would create energy and mind crypto. Well actually first that data would go into the cloud and then that data would then mine the cryptocurrency. And yes this is real. This has it lists the agents the inventors’ applicants Microsoft technology licensing. So let’s dig deeper. According to the patent, Microsoft coin would make use of body activity data. This would allow individuals to mind crypto and replace the need for A6. This does sound borderline creepy but if you can get past the idea of wiring humans up to some kind of server tracking their energy output it could be a sustainable way of mining crypto without damaging the environment. Quick side notes many people like to disparage bitcoin for using what they say using too much electricity. But you know it uses more electricity than bitcoin. The video game industry the Christmas light industry uses more electricity. So the question then becomes is the juice worth the squeeze. Is this electricity worth it for what we’re getting in return? A decentralized censorship-resistant money Bitcoin that’s worth it to me. But anyway Microsoft is trying to solve that problem by using human energy output and just to be clear this patent isn’t asking for a bunch of gym-goers to run on the treadmill and create Microsoft coin. It does give an interesting example though. For example, it could take as little like a brain wave or body heat emitted from a user when the user performs tasks provided by an information or service provider such as viewing advertisements or using certain internet services can be used in the mining process. So if you watch ads you could get a little more Microsoft coin and they are calling this proof of work. Data generated on the body activity of the user can be proof of work and therefore a user can solve the computationally difficult problem unconsciously. So you won’t even have to think about it. Microsoft will be using you. This could be you someday. This could be you. Now before I share with you a really revealing clip on where this economy where this market may be headed next. Like the video, if you appreciate being kept up to date with daily news but just no at this stage Microsoft still hasn’t stated whether their new crypto will be based on an existing blockchain in particular or whether Microsoft will create its own framework. It’s also not certain whether this new cryptocurrency will actually go ahead. But in case you were thinking about using human brain waves to replace hash power sorry Microsoft has the patent. I guess if we can assume anything this probably will not have a fixed supply right as long as you keep watch ads. You can probably mine more and more kind of makes you value things that do have a fixed supply and are decentralized next piece of news as the pandemic slams the economy. A record three point three million Americans have officially filed for unemployment. That’s three-point three million Americans who are not working obviously through no fault of their own. But the U.S. unemployment rate has likely risen to 5.5 percent. Already a level not seen since 2015. Now obviously in opposition to this, the Fed is pumping trillions of dollars into the economy. So the question is is this economy back on its way up or with all those millions of people who are not working right now. Are we going lower as a bitcoin holder? This is information that you think about. It’s not just the pandemic is it right that the market structure the debt loads everything else that was already in place the pandemic may have just been that chip on the Jenga stack if you will. Yeah, I mean Brian if you want to think of this as a house of cards that was built by the policymakers in order to bail out the financial system during the crisis. You know one day you know a breeze came along and knocked over one of the cards in the spring. It’s bringing the whole house down. House of Cards very funny definitely fits. But the economy is pumping a little higher. What do you think? Well, the house. I mean listen to Scott. The equity market rose 13 percent this week. I understand we’re still well down on the year. Seems like the is shored up the credit markets a little bit. But it sounds like you’re not believing that the bottom is in yet. No, I don’t think so. I mean Brian when we look at some of the data that we’re getting with unemployment insurance claims and so on and so forth it would suggest that you know we’re gonna roll We’re gonna get to a place worse than the financial crisis up economically. Unemployment perhaps around 15 percent and an economic contraction for the year let’s say maybe in the neighbourhood of 10 percent. These are pretty nasty numbers. And when you look at valuations on stocks is the degree of overvaluation where we were at the peak just six weeks ago versus the peak in valuation that occurred in 0 7 has been nowhere had been much more extreme and the decline we got from the downturn in 07 was a 55 percent drawdown in stocks. We’ve been around 34 percent so far. It just doesn’t seem that given the economic backdrop that the prices have adjusted to reflect the economic reality about pushed back a little bit my friend because I remember in September of 08 going down to DC and having meetings with congressional leaders to explain to them what a credit default swap was. And then months went by before we got really anything done. They were slow this time in the course of a week. We got the Fed thrown probably seven to 10 trillion dollars at it with leverage and a two trillion dollar relief bill. Aren’t you encouraged at all by the speed and I’m hard I can’t believe I’m saying this The speed at which DC reactive look you Brian it’s a lot more encouraging than the financial crisis. OK. I like that discussion. To me, one of the key takeaways is in a lot of ways we have seen this before and in a lot of ways we have never seen anything quite like this before. So everybody here is just discussing they’re just guessing. Anybody that tells you that they know what’s going to happen they don’t. But next piece of news and actually this is more just helpful information because this channel has always been a channel for the people stand during hard times and to lockdown quarantine house arrest people will look to order food online. Here we can build a list of groceries accepting bitcoin and can deliver at home. Now me personally I’m holding my bitcoin and I’m spending my Fiat but obviously there comes a point. You know you have to spend some time and here’s a list of grocery stores that accept Bitcoin. Also, the list is being added to down here I’m going to link this down below in the description. Check it out. Just more options to help you. Hey speaking of helping the Federal Reserve as of March 26 they have just released their statistics. They’ve just released their balance sheet for the public and it’s official. The Federal Reserve is printing ONE MILLION DOLLARS EVERY SECOND. Outrageous. The U.S. is Federal Reserve balance sheet has increased by five hundred and eighty-six billion dollars to a total amount of 5.2 to five trillion dollars in the week of March 18th through March 25th. This means that on average the Fed has been printing roughly almost a million nine hundred and seventy thousand dollars every second. During that time period in its efforts to keep the market alive amid the pandemic outbreak. So a million dollars every second and to put it another way. In fact, the Fed has been printing the equivalent of Bitcoin’s market cap every 35 hours. And quick check in the market cap for bitcoin right now is one hundred and fourteen billion dollars. So every 36 hours the Fed prints the entire market cap of Bitcoin. Interesting times. Feel free to fact check any of that math all the data is right there public for you. Check it out. All right. That is the video. Hope you found value.

source https://www.cryptosharks.net/microsoft-just-released-the-cryptocurrency/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=breaking-microsoft-just-released-the-cryptocurrency-bulls-very-creepy

[scottmapess]

BREAKING: Microsoft JUST Released the Cryptocurrency Bulls! [VERY CREEPY]

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

All right. Welcome back, everybody. My name is Austin. This is weird. Microsoft has just filed a patent for a new cryptocurrency and a new mining system. This is breaking news. This directly affects you. Microsoft wants to create and has just filed a patent to create a new cryptocurrency that’s still mined using proof of work which is how Bitcoin is mined with mining rigs now still using proof of work except replacing expensive mining rigs with basic human energy. So replacing the mining rigs with you now. If that sounds a little strange to you. Let’s take a deep dive into the very detailed patent published yesterday filed by Microsoft. It’s called cryptocurrency system using body activity data. This is the patent cryptocurrency system using body activity data. Now we can go through the description the claims that they’re making. But I want to start by checking out the drawing. They claim this is proof of work. Help them hold the coins will be mined into existence. But instead, you are that work. So you’ll be wearing some sort of sensor doing some sort of activity. An example given is you could be watching ads on your computer. And that would create energy and mind crypto. Well actually first that data would go into the cloud and then that data would then mine the cryptocurrency. And yes this is real. This has it lists the agents the inventors’ applicants Microsoft technology licensing. So let’s dig deeper. According to the patent, Microsoft coin would make use of body activity data. This would allow individuals to mind crypto and replace the need for A6. This does sound borderline creepy but if you can get past the idea of wiring humans up to some kind of server tracking their energy output it could be a sustainable way of mining crypto without damaging the environment. Quick side notes many people like to disparage bitcoin for using what they say using too much electricity. But you know it uses more electricity than bitcoin. The video game industry the Christmas light industry uses more electricity. So the question then becomes is the juice worth the squeeze. Is this electricity worth it for what we’re getting in return? A decentralized censorship-resistant money Bitcoin that’s worth it to me. But anyway Microsoft is trying to solve that problem by using human energy output and just to be clear this patent isn’t asking for a bunch of gym-goers to run on the treadmill and create Microsoft coin. It does give an interesting example though. For example, it could take as little like a brain wave or body heat emitted from a user when the user performs tasks provided by an information or service provider such as viewing advertisements or using certain internet services can be used in the mining process. So if you watch ads you could get a little more Microsoft coin and they are calling this proof of work. Data generated on the body activity of the user can be proof of work and therefore a user can solve the computationally difficult problem unconsciously. So you won’t even have to think about it. Microsoft will be using you. This could be you someday. This could be you. Now before I share with you a really revealing clip on where this economy where this market may be headed next. Like the video, if you appreciate being kept up to date with daily news but just no at this stage Microsoft still hasn’t stated whether their new crypto will be based on an existing blockchain in particular or whether Microsoft will create its own framework. It’s also not certain whether this new cryptocurrency will actually go ahead. But in case you were thinking about using human brain waves to replace hash power sorry Microsoft has the patent. I guess if we can assume anything this probably will not have a fixed supply right as long as you keep watch ads. You can probably mine more and more kind of makes you value things that do have a fixed supply and are decentralized next piece of news as the pandemic slams the economy. A record three point three million Americans have officially filed for unemployment. That’s three-point three million Americans who are not working obviously through no fault of their own. But the U.S. unemployment rate has likely risen to 5.5 percent. Already a level not seen since 2015. Now obviously in opposition to this, the Fed is pumping trillions of dollars into the economy. So the question is is this economy back on its way up or with all those millions of people who are not working right now. Are we going lower as a bitcoin holder? This is information that you think about. It’s not just the pandemic is it right that the market structure the debt loads everything else that was already in place the pandemic may have just been that chip on the Jenga stack if you will. Yeah, I mean Brian if you want to think of this as a house of cards that was built by the policymakers in order to bail out the financial system during the crisis. You know one day you know a breeze came along and knocked over one of the cards in the spring. It’s bringing the whole house down. House of Cards very funny definitely fits. But the economy is pumping a little higher. What do you think? Well, the house. I mean listen to Scott. The equity market rose 13 percent this week. I understand we’re still well down on the year. Seems like the is shored up the credit markets a little bit. But it sounds like you’re not believing that the bottom is in yet. No, I don’t think so. I mean Brian when we look at some of the data that we’re getting with unemployment insurance claims and so on and so forth it would suggest that you know we’re gonna roll We’re gonna get to a place worse than the financial crisis up economically. Unemployment perhaps around 15 percent and an economic contraction for the year let’s say maybe in the neighbourhood of 10 percent. These are pretty nasty numbers. And when you look at valuations on stocks is the degree of overvaluation where we were at the peak just six weeks ago versus the peak in valuation that occurred in 0 7 has been nowhere had been much more extreme and the decline we got from the downturn in 07 was a 55 percent drawdown in stocks. We’ve been around 34 percent so far. It just doesn’t seem that given the economic backdrop that the prices have adjusted to reflect the economic reality about pushed back a little bit my friend because I remember in September of 08 going down to DC and having meetings with congressional leaders to explain to them what a credit default swap was. And then months went by before we got really anything done. They were slow this time in the course of a week. We got the Fed thrown probably seven to 10 trillion dollars at it with leverage and a two trillion dollar relief bill. Aren’t you encouraged at all by the speed and I’m hard I can’t believe I’m saying this The speed at which DC reactive look you Brian it’s a lot more encouraging than the financial crisis. OK. I like that discussion. To me, one of the key takeaways is in a lot of ways we have seen this before and in a lot of ways we have never seen anything quite like this before. So everybody here is just discussing they’re just guessing. Anybody that tells you that they know what’s going to happen they don’t. But next piece of news and actually this is more just helpful information because this channel has always been a channel for the people stand during hard times and to lockdown quarantine house arrest people will look to order food online. Here we can build a list of groceries accepting bitcoin and can deliver at home. Now me personally I’m holding my bitcoin and I’m spending my Fiat but obviously there comes a point. You know you have to spend some time and here’s a list of grocery stores that accept Bitcoin. Also, the list is being added to down here I’m going to link this down below in the description. Check it out. Just more options to help you. Hey speaking of helping the Federal Reserve as of March 26 they have just released their statistics. They’ve just released their balance sheet for the public and it’s official. The Federal Reserve is printing ONE MILLION DOLLARS EVERY SECOND. Outrageous. The U.S. is Federal Reserve balance sheet has increased by five hundred and eighty-six billion dollars to a total amount of 5.2 to five trillion dollars in the week of March 18th through March 25th. This means that on average the Fed has been printing roughly almost a million nine hundred and seventy thousand dollars every second. During that time period in its efforts to keep the market alive amid the pandemic outbreak. So a million dollars every second and to put it another way. In fact, the Fed has been printing the equivalent of Bitcoin’s market cap every 35 hours. And quick check in the market cap for bitcoin right now is one hundred and fourteen billion dollars. So every 36 hours the Fed prints the entire market cap of Bitcoin. Interesting times. Feel free to fact check any of that math all the data is right there public for you. Check it out. All right. That is the video. Hope you found value.

source https://www.cryptosharks.net/microsoft-just-released-the-cryptocurrency/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=breaking-microsoft-just-released-the-cryptocurrency-bulls-very-creepy source https://cryptosharks1.blogspot.com/2020/03/breaking-microsoft-just-released.html

[maurasworld]

Money Talk

Hello lovely ladies whom I feel I have under delivered to for the month of January. I feel you all here warmly and I know I add the stress, not you.

I am reflecting today on a new awakening for me, this human, on the planet for 54 years. I account for the time as if there was a limit on how we learn and by when we learn it, yes, in artificial judgment, but I am working through that by writing it out for you…and as always, me.

The topic is money.

I have a long history of making money mean a ton about my awesomeness. If you’ve read already in my book, it, early on made me feel powerful and dominant. I even earlier learned how to work for it, raise it, ask for it for goods and services and had very little wrapped around it.

I won’t go into an admission spiral to unpack it all here but know that I have been turning the Rubik’s Cube daily/hourly since I spent my last $ from my pension, this Fall. I know I am meant to have money. I spend it on terrific things. I see it in my deep space mind, in abundance. My bank account username is Return2fancy. If you say it, it will come.

For me, the universe brings it’s teachers and words right to my ear… if I listen. If I ask. If I drop knowing things.

So, here I am, repeating old patterns with money as a new person. Seven years ago I was learning the rules of having currency in my hands – I did not have money but I had built trust and had skills that could be traded or leveraged for security. This is when Avery and I moved out and lived with my dear friend, Kim. I couldn’t pay her, but we traded our love for each other, and shared her home. We joined her family and gave to her in many ways. Our family mantra became, “Leave the place that you are, better than when you came.” This simple twist of thought about money saved me. I credit my friend, Robin, who listened to me, and my story about life, then offered his truth to me. “You have so much currency that isn’t money to share.”

Shortly there after, I dove head first into the nonprofit world where another relationship to money took hold. I flourished in it. Road the wave of agreements with many a bed or floor space for my cot as we, the charity embarked on our tour across the U.S. We were the band and people said yes, come play with me. With ease I took these opportunities.

The hard stop came with the cancer. Thank you very much. I just realized that I am using that marker, like I used having children as the, “life before and life after” consideration. No worries, there’s not a ton of drama there, just a good denotation of when life turned. So cancer had me receiving in a hard core way with my gofundme. It was delicious. It was so necessary as you may have also read already. So life giving in the “oh my goodness, where is food coming from today” worry from just months before to “oh my I have plenty, please eat.”

Then miraculously I found my $39K pension and lived another year with ease. Until November.

Do you ever feel like Moses raising the seas with your hands? I know he parted them, but I see in my mind’s eye, this rising swell of water by my very own power in the center of dry land. Like it’s some Herculean effort asked of me to find the money for life.

In fact, it kind of is, but what’s Herculean is my own effort to listento “What’s next.”

Behind the scenes as you know, I have been writing this monster curriculum, which accounts for January in reality… like so hard core. I am only half way through the task but it keeps my butt planted for days on end. Morning, noon and night. I can show you more to prove that I have been working, but I know you know.

This item has long been the game plan for growth and posterity for the charity. And I have trusted the process, but what has been happening is in the multitudes. Five schools have bought two different versions of it, none of which have been bought at the full price. I signed contracts, submitted invoices to LAUSD, had conversations about getting a prepayment, all during November, December and January. NOTHING came, until two weeks ago. I was walking, it felt, on skeleton heads in the sea of my own mess. It’s been daunting.

Two weeks ago, I did a deep dive into talking to my dad… but wait, about three weeks ago, I had my lovely psychic read and she swears – I’m fine and money is there. So with conviction of that but living in the reality of what simply wasn’t real in my bank account, I screamed in conversation with my dad (he’s been pretty masterful in making things miracle-like work, so I was looking for his miracle.) During my screaming with him, I’m imploring, “Come on dad, what do I do? What’s the next move? Where’s all the money?” and he said, “I don’t know, kid. It’s on you.”

Talk about wanting to raise the sea… I was FRUSTRATED to be sure that there wasn’t some saving grace answer from him. Just, “mmmm,” not a great answer, I thought to myself, because that means I have to keep going! By the way, that currency I had before, it’s pretty much gone everywhere. I have leveraged it out, I feel. And I also think somewhere along the line I behaved as though that was the only currency, like I was never going to get any real money over here. That’s what was truly in my brain. Like, it was and or is, going to crash. Brick wall. Everything falls. No wonder woman in sight.

GREEEAAATTTT.

Then my sister, Cate, sends me a podcast of the woman who started a nonprofit for felons, called DEFY. It’s a great listen, I cry. See myself in a self-starter, entrepreneur vanguard, get filled back up with my own juice and start to see, that like her, my job for this nonprofit is now to fundraise.

Here’s the subtle catch and place of deep listening, that maybe is screechingly loud to you… I sold my curriculum in for less than it takes to teach it and I was willingly going to try to operate in the world of the universe providing the gap. I was willingly complicit in the less than mind of my own doing.

But I have another voice that I have been given, it’s  from the sweet and highly successful nonprofit runner, Diane Luby Lane, the one I am modeling my work after, and in the past she has said, “We turn no school down when they can’t pay, because we are underwritten.”

HUZZAH. I can finally fucking hear those words and know what they mean for ME!

I HAVE A GAP! That is all. Not, “I am bad and can’t earn money.” Guilt, weight, woe.

The Defy lady, Catherine Hote, had a game plan, she wrote to all her idols and asked for time. She man handled the task and made it her own.

This is mine to do!

My whole brain is listening and popping now with insights. The grocking of new thought. The reality that this is THE next. This is what’s next.  This is what is needed now of me… to grow all the things.

I handed it back to my sister and said, “Imagine that Catherine Hote is standing next to me and she says to you, ‘Do you support your sister’s nonprofit?’” (knowing that she doesn’t directly support it, testing the waters of an inside thought that this is where I need to start.) Friends and family are supposed to make up 30% of a nonprofit’s income. I know this but it’s never been the case. Not one of my family members does. When I extrapolate that to Patreon, only my married into the family members support my efforts. WHAT THE ACTUAL F?

I have been passive in my attempts. I have been cavalier and sort of even dismissive about who joins in the fray. OH MY GAWD, and it doesn’t work!

My brain came into play again. This time, it gave me an idea. I used it on my sister just to test it. She raises money for a charity in Indianapolis, for kids who have lost parents or loved ones - since she was one, too.

Here’s how it went, I said, “Cate, you are a person, let’s imagine, with lots of money. I’m a person who is going to ask you for money for my cause. I have no idea how much you have. And your words to me are, ‘how much do you need?’ So ask me that.” She says, “how much do you need?” I say, “I want all the money, but with you, I’d like you to close your eyes and imagine an amount that you are comfortable giving.” She said, “okay, I imagined it.” I said, “I want double that.” She said, “okay.”

I said, “What do you mean? What did you feel when I said, I want double that?” She said, “I didn’t feel anything. I just agreed.” My mind was blown, because this was my assumption. She agreed to give, hypothetically, double what she was going to give. NOT as it turns out, what she was comfortable giving, but what was asked of her.

MIND BLOWN.

Now, I know money is weird for everyone and this may not play this way each time, but wow.

So for now, I am on a path to mind the gap! Ask, ask, ask and be persistent in my doing. Just like writing this curriculum. It takes butt in seat work. And that is why my dad could not help. There is no miracle right now about this… and yes, I am sure there are miracles lining up, but for me, the path was in the work, not in the prayer and the “I have no idea” faith mode which I can sometimes sit in which only me and my dad or God or spirit or other modality knows the answers how to navigate.

Boom!

Here’s to getting my family over here on Patreon and signed up for monthly contributions to the charity!

Wish me luck!!