#I’m so weird BUT I only talk to my friends through tumblr messages

[lighthouseas]

hi all! i know that i haven’t posted for a while, but since the end of the year is fast approaching, i thought i’d make a post detailing my appreciation for my lovely mutuals . (if you saw this post earlier because tumblr was being a bitch, no you didn’t <3333)

anyway, without further ado- and in no particular order-

bee’s end-of-the-year MUTUAL APPRECIATION POST!!!

@hazmatazz - OHHH MAN. SILLY GUY ALERT. starting off strong with the lovely the amazing the fantabulous HAZ HAZMATAZZ. haz, being your friend and fellow Silly Squad member has been such an honor. you’re so funny and sweet and smart and make the best posts that make me giggle. and even though i don’t talk in it much, seeing so many Shenanigans go down in the discord server is seriously the funniest thing. I could just. squish you. you make me so happy and it’s an honor to be your friend. seriously hope 2024 treats you amazingly bc you deserve all of it <3333

@cannibalismyuri - SARA!!!! sara my lovely ohhh you are. the funniest. seriously. i have been reduced to Tears of laughter from posts on your blog. you have such an energy about you that is completely unmatched. even with Fandom Weirdness and the like, you’ve still pulled through and kept being your silliest self (and let me be silly with you which is awesome), and i commend you for that. aaaand not to get sappy or whatever but i really do look up to and admire you. you inspire me a lot. also, i love your new url. i want to eat it. pun intended. HAVE THE BEST 2024 EVER <3333

@qulizalfos - LIZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. everyone listen up okay. liza is the loml IF ANYONE EVEN CARESSS. liza oh my god i adore you and your endless enthusiasm. seriously your comments on tsad are comments that i look back on when i need motivation because they’re just. so sweet. you are so sweet. we’ve only been mutuals since this SUMMER and yet it feels like we’ve known each other forever. i love screaming about things with you and i love the fact that my FIC is in your BIO??? HELLOOOO??? also okay. can we talk about your writing and art. liza i cannot say ENOUGH how talented you are. if i could staple your fics and art to the entire st fandom’s forehead so they would have to look at it forever then i would. your brain is so ginormous and the way you describe things and think about things is something i could only dream of doing. literally adore everything about you and wish i could hang out with you and wayli so we could all be a little insane together <33333 love you. LOVE YOUUUU I hope 2024 is awesomesauce for you <33333333

@wayward-sherlock - SPEAKING of wayli. oh wayli. if i had time to write a 10 page essay detailing how much of an impact you have had on me i would. seriously though you are just the sweetest, kindest, and most positive person ever. seeing you blow up my notes makes me grin So Hard because like oh man. wayli likes my blog. THEEE wayli thinks i’m cool. wtfff….anyway. you are so smart and it shows in your literally breathtaking writing and analysis (ANALYSIS FIRM!!!) you’re so perceptive and it honestly blows me away. reading your writing is so mesmerizing and just. sends me on an adventure. actually just scrolling through your BLOG sends me on an adventure because you always have the best stuff on there. honestly, I just wanna give you the biggest hug and tell you how awesome you are because rambling in a tumblr post simply is not enough. all’s that to say, i’m really looking forward to this coming year that will hopefully include more screaming about fanfiction in our discord messages and more of us being friends. because i love being your friend and it’d be so awesome if one day we could hang out together and be a tad Insane. doopel dopple gang STICKS TOGETHER AMIRITE?? anyway. i love you so much and wish you all the best in 2024 <333333

@antibyler - spencer HIII i know it’s been a minute since we last talked but can i just say that it has been an HONOR being your mutual this year. you’re so cool and fun and easy to talk to and also are a Fellow NHIE Fan which makes you even cooler. don’t think i’ve ever seen a bad opinion on your blog, which i know is saying a lot but it’s true To Me okay. seriously could never ever imagine Not following spencer basiltonpitch antibyler because like. that’s some essential dash content right there. THEEE blog to ever. makes the tumblr experience about 2034549650 times better. hope 2024 treats you wonderfully, my triple b mutual WOO <3

@versa-vices - FINNIEEEE!!!!!! you are my sunshine my special sunshine you make me happyyyyyyyy when skies are grayyyy….like actually though you are such a sunshine. seeing your comments on my posts never fails to make me giggle. a Silly Squad member that’s for sure. but like. being your tumblr bestie this past year has been so much fun. hanging out on the dash together and being Slightly Unhinged in the discord messages has been one of the highlights of my year. you’re so sweet and lovely and i don’t think it would be tumblr without you (those 10 minutes where you deactivated were HARD man okay. what am i supposed to do without u :(() okay anyhoo. thank you for being the bestest ever and hope 2024 treats you well <333

@light-lanterne - angel hiii! it’s been a bit since we’ve interacted but i needed to talk about how kind and patient you’ve been throughout literally everything because tumblr can be a little much sometimes. your kindness and determination to make so many beautiful graphics is absolutely incredible. i still look back on the graphics you’ve made for my fics sometimes, and it’s just…amazing. you’re so talented both in your art and your writing. when times got tough in the Fandom, i could always count on your blog to be a cozy and warm retreat from the craziness. it’s an honor to be your mutual, and i hope 2024 treats you kindly, because you seriously deserve it <33

@booksandpaperss - ELLI HIII!! holy shit one of my oldest mutuals. here when the ancient scrolls were written. elli , you have made my fandom experience so much more enjoyable. what with your huge brain and amazing takes, you always keep things real and i admire that about you. you’re also just. so easy to talk to. both because you’re ridiculously funny and also because you’re so nice to me like what. i love Discussing things with you, especially when it felt like we were sitting in a corner sipping tea and having a grand old time while the entire fandom went batshit. uscore fr. also, your comments on tsad…dude…they made me and STILL make me tear up. you read everything with such an attentive eye and then give the sweetest compliments on it. it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. you’re just. so awesome okay. never forget that. hope u have a wonderful 2024 <3333

@karenchildress - hi jo!!!!!!!!!! i know we don’t interact as much but like. you’re such a joy to see on the dash i’m being so fr right now. how are you so funny like some of your posts still make me laugh to this day. you also keep things Real which i appreciate a lot, people tend not to do that nowadays T-T. we need more jo karenchildresses in the st fandom i think. things would improve marginally. anyway. keep being cool and fun and hope 2024 brings you much joy <3

@homohabu - oh man you’re just. you’re so nice. your blog is so inviting and has the loveliest colors all over it that make me very happy. you’ve always been so lovely to me and it makes me smile. you’re also another one of my oldest mutuals…and you’ve still stuck around through everything. thank you for having an awesome blog and being an awesome person! hope 2024 is good for you!!!!!!!!

@kuntniss - sierra!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hiiiii it’s been a minute but can i just say that your blog makes me so so so super happy whenever i look at it. both your reblogs and original posts are just. great vibes. great vibes all around. you’ve been so nice to me this past year and it’s seriously been so wonderful interacting with you and looking forward to seeing your posts. being your mutual is so fun. i hope 2024 brings you so many good things, you deserve all of them <33333333

@weirdo09  - cade! i know you haven’t been online in a while but i just wanted to say that you’ve been such a wonderful friend to me this past year. you’re so creative and i loved hearing your ideas in my inbox and getting tagged in your wonderful. i hope you’re doing okay now, because you were honestly such a joy to see on the dash and in my notes. also, your ever changing themes were always a nice surprise to come across when i opened your blog, lol. hope 2024 treats you well :)

@holyvirgilscriptures - virgil !!!! oh my god i adore your blog so badddd like. i could seriously scroll through it forever it’s just banger after banger after banger. you always have the best takes on like. Everything. also FELLOW TAWOG BROTHER IN ARMS HELLOOOO !!!! BEST TASTE IN MEDIA AWARD GOES TO YOU MY FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway. you have made this year so so so enjoyable just with the Existence of your blog. this coming year i hope we can interact a bit more because you’re super awesome <333 may 2024 bring you many good things! 

@ollsonline - oliver <3333 my lovely. since we became mutuals you have been nothing but the sweetest, kindest, friendliest person to me. you’re so welcoming to everyone and it absolutely warms my heart. you’ve been such an amazing friend to me this year and we should totally talk more because you’re super cool and awesome also!!! thank you for being the best and i hope 2024 treats you kindly <3

okay that’s all i’ve got! to any mutuals i did not get to mention: i love you so much. you have made The Tumblr Experience that much more bearable with your endless kindness. i love all of you so much, and am wishing you a happy new year through the screen! MWAH!!!!!!!

[jheseltheunswerving]

The Sad Truth About Bill Cipher

Originally posted to the Gravity Falls Amino in September, 2017.

There seems to be this common misconception that Bill Cipher is this sympathetic, remorseful antagonist. So, today I’m here to remind everyone that Cipher is an insane psychopath that should never be trusted.

Let’s start with how much he’s lied. He tricked Dipper into letting him possess his body, he lied to Ford about why he wanted the portal built, and he tricked Mabel into giving him the rift. These are just a few of his lies over countless others.

He is a bully, to say the least. My personal favorite example of this is this scene.

"I, um, I- DO IT, kid!  Do some brilliant thing that takes me down right now. Whaddya got, Pinetree? Everyone’s watching! DO IT!”

Now let’s talk about how murderous he is. He tortured Ford through electrocution so he would tell him the equation that would collapse the barrier keeping Bill and his friends from spreading their weirdness around Dimension 46. He was set on killing Mabel “just for the heck of it”, and there is a high probability that he killed Wendy’s mom.

A Tumblr post from user dilfiisms pointed out that in the episode “Not What He Seems”, a yellow ribbon can be seen on that back of Manly Dan’s truck. This might be referencing the Yellow Ribbon Suicide Prevention Program.

dilfiisms then went on to pointing out what Bill said about Wendy’s mom in his AMA, “WENDY’S MOM HAS GOT IT GOING ON. SHE’S ALL I WANT AND I’VE WAITED FOR SO LONG”. This is a reference to the song “Stacy’s Mom” by Fountains of Wayne, but it also suggests that Bill had some kind of connection with Mrs. Corduroy’s death. We know for sure Wendy’s mom is "no longer with us”.

In the official Journal 3, Mabel attaches a note written by Bill she found in the car on the way back from the theatre after the events of “Sock Opera”.

Bill was planning to kill Dipper’s body and frame it as a suicide. He could have done just that with Wendy’s mom.

Here’s a prime example of Bill’s instability. He burned his own dimension! The question is, why?

"Flat minds in a flat world with flat dreams.” Based on what Bill said about his dimension in his AMA, “Edwin Abbott Abbott has a decent idea,” (Abbott wrote the book Flatland), it is possible Bill played a similar part to A Square who tried to convince his fellow two-dimensional shapes of a three-dimensional world. Despite all his efforts, however, he failed and was imprisoned for mentioning the existence of a three-dimensional world. If Bill had to deal with something similar in his dimension, it’s understandable why he got so frustrated.

There is also a page in the official journal describing a two-dimensional world Ford visits during his thirty years on the other side of the portal. At first he mistakes it to be Bill’s birthplace, and theorizes that Bill came from a similar dimension.

Notice the key on the side of the page. In this dimension, circles are upper class (much like how circles are considered the “perfect shape” in Flatland) and triangles are lower class. If this was the case in Bill’s dimension, then it might explain his thirst for power. As a triangle, he had no power in his dimension. All that built up frustration is probably what pushed Bill over the line.

The Axolotl’s message is likely to blame for all the wrong impressions of Bill. I won’t be reciting the whole thing. By now, everyone should know it, and if you don’t, look it up. I’ll only mention the lines that are relevant.

"Misses home and can’t return.” This line has misled the lot of us, myself included. I didn’t understand how Bill, the perfect psychopath, could possibly miss his home or regret what he did, and that’s because it’s not possible. Psychopaths have no conscience. They can only miss something when that thing provided them with immediate supposed gain. Which only further confused me because, if his dimension was so flat and limiting, what would Bill miss about it? The answer is actually simple, despite how long it took me to figure it out. Praise. Not necessarily from other shapes, but perhaps from his parents.

Here's a part in the journal where Bill's parents are briefly mentioned:

Bill wouldn’t miss his parents because of a genuine relationship he had with them, but because they praised him for simply being in their lives. Ever since he burned his dimension, Bill gets praise solely for his power, but it’s likely he didn’t always have that power.

Psychopaths love praise. They don’t want friends, they want worshippers. That’s why I’m calling bull on his message in the journal, “CURSE THE AXOLOTL EVERY CONSPIRACY IS TRUE”. He was just trying to win over empathy. Psychopaths do that too. Pretend to feel bad for what they’ve done so people will forgive them and give them multiple second chances.

"Blame the arson for the fire." Talk about a six word story. I have seen several theories that Bill didn't mean to burn his dimension. That it was all some kind of accident. Quite the contrary, actually.

Arson: (n) The criminal act of DELIBERATELY setting fire to property.

So, there you have it. Bill Cipher is far from a sympathetic antagonist. Evil does not have boundaries, and anyone who thinks it does is making a big mistake.

Having said all that, Bill Cipher is still my favorite character. He's the most interesting and entertaining villain I've seen in stories, and I can't wait for the Gravity Falls graphic novel which will hopefully give us more insight about him.

2024 Review: This is the first of two posts from the Gravity Falls Amino I plan on posting here. While most of the information still holds up, a lot of it is outdated. Stay tuned for the second post which is a bit more current.

[twopoppies]

Hey Gina! I don’t exactly know how to talk about this so i apologise if it’s worded weird, but I wanted to talk about polari! :) Also want to quickly preface by saying A.) I am a part of the LGBTQ+ community, B.) while I’m not English, I am Scottish (Glasgow) and we use some of the same slang as (specifically Northern) England & C.) I have a lot of hetero English friends who know absolutely nothing about polari.

(Quickly before I start as u/ppl may find this annoying; I’ve said Scottish separately as a lot of Scottish ppl, myself included, don’t like being referred to as English/British as majority of us are currently wanting & trying to gain independence from the U.K. lol & I included British instead of just Scotland/England as I’m not sure if it’s used anywhere else in great britian/the UK - please say if it is! :D )

I’m not sure if you’ve seen this too but I see quite a lot of people saying that Louis solely knowing/using polari speech is proof/semi-proof of him being queer or knowing queer history - I have to completely disagree with this.

Polari is used very commonly (some examples I can think of off the top of my head are bevvy, lallies and naff as I use them quite a lot.) in day-to-day conversation in scotland/england (as I mentioned, I have hetero english friends and they use polari ALL THE TIME, like they use only refer to a alcohol/drinks as bevvy, and have no absolutely no idea that it IS in fact polari..). People use it without even knowing what it is, especially those who are lower/working class and/or neds/chavs (which Louis seems to use as? Or want to be perceived as?) and are more likely to use slang. I guarantee you that if you were to go down to England (especially the north) and asked what bevvy meant, they’d almost 100% be able to tell you what means - but they won’t know the origins of the word, they’d just think it’s slang (they probably wouldn’t even know it’s used in Scotland too LOL).

I’ve seen absolutely no other scottish/english/british person talk about this so I feel like majority of the people speaking about polari are Americans (not all & not only, of course, but I feel like they majority of larries are American? Haha) who don’t actually use it or understand it’s use in modern day England/Scotland/U.K. and that’s why they’re saying that he must be queer to use it because they think that it’s not used anymore when it actually is! :)

I’m so sorry if this is a complete jumble of words, I’m absolutely horrible at writing my thoughts down hahah! I pray you understand what I’m trying to say. I hope this isn’t coming across as rude or mean. I’m not meaning it that way at all. Also, this isn’t meant to be a dig at Americans/non-scottish/english/great British folk either, it’s completely normal that you wouldn’t know this! :)

Sorry again hahaha I’ve been thinking about this for a really long time and have been dying to get this off my chest !! + I haven’t used tumblr in years so if the layout/format(??) is weird, apologies for that too, I’m also on mobile :( Thank u (if u do) for reading my long ass ramble lol :D I just wanted to shed some light on this.

Hi, honey. I think assuming Louis’ sexuality only based on him being aware of/using Polari is pretty silly. As you say, straight people in your part of the world use certain words regularly without being aware of it.

As always, I think one has to take many behaviors and actions into consideration when wondering if Louis (or anyone) is signaling. There’s a difference between using certain words that have become common, and knowing what Polari is. Him wearing that brand goes hand in hand with many instances of him wearing clothing that sent a message (for example, wearing the All Out, Queen’s Surf, and Rainbow Apple logo shirts). At that time, he seemed to be very calculated about what messages he sent through clothing. I think Polari was one of many instances of Louis signaling being a part of the community. But I’d never look at that as an isolated instance and think that.

[lai-mar]

I think messaging about my fic would work better over Discord if you’re comfortable sharing that (because Tumblr asks are only so long), but the basic premise is “exploring what happens to Melini post-canon, focused on Marcille’s point of view and her continued research into ancient magic/improving Melini. A slow burn Laios/Marcille as they inspire each other to grow into their best selves, and then fall a little bit in love. And then panic because they didn’t plan for that. Most notably, a scene where Marcille realizes how sweet and generous Laios is being with her, and how it…reminds her of her parents being in love?? but when she (flustered) asks Laios if he’s courting her he freaks out (“oh my god no, I didn’t mean to come across that way, I’m sorry, am I making you uncomfortable??”), pulls back his affection, and they both realize they’ve been something much more than friends for a long time and they miss it.”

YESSSS THAT'S SO GOOD thanks for sending me this I'm rotating that in my brain I'm such a sucker for people subtly moving past being only friends but not realising until they've actually moved past because it's just so natural. Also it's the fact that she recognised her relationship resembling that of her parents!! That's so sweet (especially it's between an (half) elf and a human once again). Also them feeling weird when he pulls back and it's more normal for him to continue the "courting" ohhhhh..... OHHHHHHHH

Yes you can talk to me through discord buuuuuuut I'm swamped with irl stuff atm so I don't a lot of spare brain juice but yesss I hear a friends to lovers slowburn and 👀

[allthefoolmine]

Happy season 3 of young royals to all who celebrate!

(It’s me I’m celebrating)

On to episode 5, which I didn’t watch this weekend due to knocking my computer off my couch and cracking the screen about ten minutes in. Totally my fault, but I also want compensation from Lisa Ambjörn personally, y’know?

Anyway, on to episode 5! Hope all who have finished the season enjoyed themselves, and looking forward to getting there myself.

Reactions / commentary / flailing (please dear God let me not break my computer this time) under the cut for spoilers / avoidance purposes.

- oh god the opening of this episode. Why did August tell him that about Erik. Why?! What was the point of that? It just seems needlessly cruel.

- and Wilhelm not telling Simon. Will he ever? This fool says nah, our crown prince is not in good-decisions-mode.

- August is such a shit! Vincent is a total dick, but blowing him off in that smug and dismissive way…legos underfoot are too good for him. Thumbtacks? Marbles? PORCUPINES?

- having just said I hope August has something very painful and embarrassing happen to him, I do really want to know what’s up with his letter.

- so hard to see Wilhelm and his Dad talking about Erik. Which begs the question—why does Wilhelm believe August without question? It really seems like he just accepts this information about this brother and I’m not sure I understand it.

- Wilhelm turning down Simon’s call. BAD DECISIONS MODE activated, huh? Oh, and now we’re quitting choir??? Buddy, sunshine, pal, YOUR LOVELY BOYFRIEND IS RIGHT THERE TO TALK TO HIM. (I wasn’t expecting him to actually to do it? He talked! And Simon said something helpful! And Wilhelm just, wow, buddy, wow. That stupidity is gonna come bite you.)

- fucksSAKE August, leave Sara ALONE.

- oh we get friendship time with Felice, oh good.

- Good luck Sara! OH. NO. Very upsetting to see her father let her down like that.

- Simon looks so cute in a suit! And his Mom continues to be everything you would want a mom to be. “It shouldn’t be this hard” is such an important message.

- Simon, good, yes, hug your sister! You two need to be friends again please!

- oh seeing Wilhelm remove the purple nail polish, my friends I am in PAIN.

- oh some CUTENESS. the birthday muffin! The birthday muffin! The birthday muffin, I may yet live.

- “maybe it was stupid to tell you about Erik” YA THINK ASSHOLE?!?

- oh the sports foundation SUCKS. Give the man an LGTBQ charity PLEASE.

- oh the weird birthday song. Bless them they are trying! I love Simon’s little look of wtf through it all. Perfect.

- August is a complete mystery. Going to the party after being sent home like that? I for one would not. I’d be on tumblr, licking my wounds, or something. Instead he’s chugging red wine in a white suit.

- I like the “tale of two dinners” format

- Simon is doing his best but I can only imagine how hard this is for him.

- August “leave her alone” challenge. You absolute walnut.

- I would not have hugged him, I would have punched him. Sara is much nicer than me.

- Wilhelm, I get that you’re having a crisis but think about someone other than yourself, *please*. Simon does not deserve to deal with your family shit without your support! Simon, you do the right thing for you, buddy! You go home!

- Simon’s side eye when Wilhelm goes off is everything.

- Simon, gtfo, love. This is above your pay grade.

- “love shouldn’t be this hard”

For everyone who has sat with that for a week…oof.

Ow.

[arinbelle]

Suits

Notes: HELLO! Yes I know it’s been forever. Yes I know I said I’d update soon and then didn’t. But we’re here now! And I hope you enjoy!!!!!

Also, I’m using the latest taglist I have saved, but that’s probably the wrong one, so if I tag you and you want out, please let me know. If I don’t tag you and tumblr’s weird algorithm somehow throws this your way and you want to come back, also let me know ;)

Warnings: Violence, references to SA, language

Suits Masterlist

                                                ~*~

Chapter 4

~*~

She’d been here before.

Had done all of this before.

The morning after, brushing her teeth with her brush that was still there in his bathroom, the quick shower, and turning on the coffee machine for her favorite brew. She’d done it all before, so many times that she’d lost count now.

Except this wouldn’t entail a walk of shame-not that she’d bothered to even have a walk of shame with Cassian after he’d become a regular thing. Nor would she have to think about telling herself that this really was the last time she’d seek him out. Or the random stirring of emotions she’d get when he kissed her good morning after his shower while she ate her croissant.

Nesta hadn’t slept with Cassian this time.

Well, she had, but they’d only slept. A wild concept if she’d ever come across one. To share a bed willingly, for just sleep, and no sex involved. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d done so. Even with Cassian.

Yet here she was, eating her croissant, drinking her coffee, waiting for that good morning kiss again like the fool she was. As if all of last night hadn’t happened and essentially obliterated any sense of normalcy or agency she’d thought she’d created for herself in this new part of her life.

“Your phone’s been blowing up since last night by the way,” Cassian announced as he entered the kitchen, her phone in one hand, a shirt in the other. He silently handed it to her as he dressed and Nesta kept her eyes on the screen as she unlocked. She didn’t spare a single glance at his shirtless, toned...

“Oh fuck!,” she exclaimed, chanting the swear over and over as she read message after message to her, first from Gabby, then many more from Gwyn and Emerie. That didn’t take into account all the missed calls either. 

“Nesta?”

Nesta hit “Dial,” holding up a finger to Cassian to wait, biting her lip as she realized how worried her friends would be.

“Oh my Gods, are you alive? Are you fucking alive? Talk. Talk damn it-”

“I would if you let me speak, Gabby,” Nesta cut in smoothly.

Gabby had heard about what had happened at the bar after she’d finished her own shift. She’d come over long after Nesta had come home with Cassian and the cryptic answer her boss had given to Gabby had worried her. That and her boss’s elusiveness when Gabby had asked about Nesta.

After some yelling, half in English, many curses in Spanish, Gabby calmed down, having been reassured by Nesta that she was indeed, very much alive, safe, and well. 

Nesta had glanced up at Cassian who was watching her hesitantly, and promised she would speak with Gabby later. She knew she didn’t have it in her to go through everything all over again. Nesta didn’t bother to even call Gwyn or Emerie, just sending a quick “I’m ok,” text in their groupchat for the time being.

She was just too tired. Absolutely exhausted and with no desire left in her outside of the one to simply curl up on the couch and sleep for hours on end.

Nesta stared at the screen on her phone until it went dark. Until Cassian silently pried it out of her hands and placed it face down on the table.

She would not lose it right now. She would not.

Now wasn't the time, and definitely not the place, and God help her but she had more important things to think about. Like a job, for one thing. She'd seen the text from her boss amidst the myriad of worried ones from Gwyn, Emerie and Gabby. The prick's message was short and to the point.

My business is ruined because of your stunt last night. Don't bother coming in for your next shift- you're fired.

She had no job. She had no means to keep paying for her apartment, let alone the bills that came with it. And fuck, how was she going to pay for textbooks next semester? Hell, how was she going to pay her student loans? Her tuition? She was fucked. So totally fucked.

Nesta let the tears fall down her face, not bothering to wipe them away because then it would alert Cassian to the state she was in. He was puttering around the kitchen, cooking something else, something more than the feast that was already in front of her, but she paid him no mind. She didn't want him to know how she was feeling, how she was reeling. The previous nights events hit her fully out of nowhere, as thoughts of unpaid tuition were now replaced with thoughts of how the hard bar floor had left her aching and bruised and how much the fear had been paralyzing. Nesta hadn't felt like that in a long time. Had thought she'd never have to ever again in her life.

And yet, here she was, letting herself cry while simultaneously not giving into the urge to wail and screech and scream like a woman possessed, because that was exactly how Nesta felt. Like she was herself and yet not. Nesta but other. Like someone had scooped out her soul overnight and replaced it with only an empty phantom, with no name, no soul, just misery and dread coiled into each other.

Gods only knew how Cassian would react if he saw her truly unleash her rage and despair. And not just the one from last night. Bottled up versions of it from years and years of strife and silence. How easily would he recoil from her then if he truly saw how ugly and damaged her soul was within?

She wasn't about to find out.

Nesta got up from the table and began her way back to Cassian's bedroom. Thank Gods she'd left a few of her own clothes behind at his place when they'd still been casual with each other. She changed quickly out of the night clothes and donned a simple shirt and jeans instead. Cassian had once jokingly said she should leave behind the discarded nightgown so he could remember all the good memories associated with it when she wasn't here. Her lips tilted up at the memory. Of when things had been so much easier.

Cassian watched her from the doorway but said nothing. When she finished collecting her phone and keys and shoving them all into her purse, Cassian followed her all the way to the front door, his own keys already in hand.

"I'll take a cab," she told him resolutely, barely believing it herself.

Cassian did a once over of her before pulling the door open and gesturing at her to move. She could have sworn he muttered something under his breath, likely not believing whatever she was trying to delude herself with, but it wasn't audible enough for her to argue about.

Try as she might to lie to herself, Cassian's shiny car was loads more welcome during the trip back to her apartment than any shoddy cab. They sat together in comfortable silence, which Nesta grudgingly acknowledged in her head when remembering their compatibility. It was ridiculous that they worked together so well- that it was even possible.

Yet here she was, accepting this ride from him back to her apartment like he was something more than just a casual hook-up turned professor overnight. 

Like he was her boyfriend.

She’d be lying to herself if the sentiment wasn’t appreciated secretly on the inside. How nice she knew she’d find it if they were just...more.

“Something on your mind?”

Nesta lifted her head from the window and looked at Cassian. The car wasn’t moving anymore and they were parked in her complex’s lot. Nesta shook her head, undoing her seat belt and opening the door with a surprisingly steady grip. Perhaps she really would be fine and the horrible night from before wouldn’t completely traumatize her for life.

Yeah, right. Like she should be so lucky. She didn’t bother answering, instead making her way towards the door, readying her key to enter the main lobby. Cassian was a silent shadow behind her but somehow, his presence calmed her just a bit.

She didn’t stop him from entering her apartment. Gods knew she didn’t really want him to leave anyways. 

“So...,” she began awkwardly, taking in Cassian setting her purse down on the kitchen counter. Her purse which she hadn’t realized he’d carried for her or that she herself hadn’t carried. Gwyn would start therapizing her right away, throwing words like acute stress disorder and catatonic her way.

Cassian’s eyes widened with alarm and Nesta wondered what she’d said.

“I’m sorry,” he started, buttoning his coat jacket as he spoke. “You’re probably exhausted and I’m bothering you. I’ll let myself out.”

“No,” Nesta blurted out. “No you aren’t-well, no it’s fine. I’m just, er, I have some schoolwork to do actually.” She bit her lip nervously, waiting for him to respond.

Cassian took a few moments before answering. “You should probably rest today Nes. Take some time to let yourself get back to normal. You’ll probably be hearing from the police soon to verify last night’s events and then when you press charges-”

“No!,” Nesta stopped him. “I don’t want to press charges.” She ignored the churning in her stomach she got as more and more vivid memories of the night before began assaulting her senses. The smell of the bar floor. The weight pressed against her arms, pinning her in place.

Stop. Calm down. Breathe. Don’t lose your shit like this in front of Cassian.

Cassian didn’t seem to like her answer. “Those pieces of shit deserve jail time. They need to be arrested and we need to start-”

She stopped him with a hand. “No. I just…I can’t do this right now. Or ever frankly. I’m sure the cops will arrest them for damages to the property or something. Maybe someone saw them and has their own grievances to record. But I want no part in it.” 

She was trying to avoid her name being out and on public record. This wouldn’t be doing her any favors. She had more important things to worry about in the grand scheme of things.

“Nesta I really think-”

“They’ll get away with it,”she interrupted him again. “It’s their word against mine, and that place already has a horrible reputation. My boss has fake cameras set up everywhere to scare people into not robbing us, but they don't actually work. There’s no proof of what happened and honestly Cass, you can’t be a witness to this.. I don’t need cops investigating why wou were there with me, what business you had taking me home to your place right after…it’s just too many unknown factors to account for and I don’t have that kind of energy or time. So let it go. I am.”

Cassian was too still for her liking but eventually he gave a brief, barely there nod. It would have to do.

“I’ll do some readings and then I’ll rest, okay?”

Cassian didn’t seem convinced but he nodded again. Neither of them moved.

“You can stay with me,” she added quietly, staring at the floor.

“Do you want me to?”

Cassian’s eyes were wide as she thought about his question. She did want him to stay, but the repercussions of that if anyone were to find out were too many to name.

Cassian finished doing the top button of his coat, the silence nearly deafening in his wake. Before she could blurt out the truth, the plea that was just on the tip of her tongue, begging him to stay with her, Cassian was already walking away and towards the door.

She followed him silently, not sure if either of them would change their minds and give in to the clear question each of them seemed to be grappling with.

“Call me if you need anything, Nes.” 

Nesta didn’t have a chance to say goodbye before he was pulling her door shut, leaving a gaping hole yawning in her chest in his absence.

~*~

She ended up reading nothing at all. 

Turned out that Netflix was taking The Vampire Diaries off of its service, and Nesta thought it was as good a time as any to start a binge-rewatch for the sixth time. Nothing could cure a girl’s blue like Damon Salvatore and Klaus Mikaelson. Or as Gwyn liked to call them, vamp goth daddies.

Shit, Gwyn. Emerie.

Nesta hit the pause button and dialed the number through muscle memory. 

Emerie picked up on the second ring. She wasn’t even granted a hello.

“You better start talking, and talking fast. I just heard there was some sort of bar fight at your job yesterday. Is that why you never came over last night? Gwyn thought you might be hooking up with Cassian so we didn’t bother you, but then you went the whole morning too with nothing so…”

“Yeah,” Nesta breathed out. “Sorry, it’s just been...it’s been shit Em, honestly. I was-”

Nesta struggled for words. Emerie gave her all of ten seconds before prompting, “Hello? Nesta? Are you there?”

“Yeah, no I’m here, sorry. I’m just a little out of it still I guess.” Maybe it was something in her voice or maybe it was just that sixth sense that Emerie had, that all of them had when it came to each other, but Emerie caught it.

“What happened? Are you okay?”

No she wasn’t okay, not even in the slightest. After that question, Nesta broke down, sobbing hysterically, nonsensically on the phone, probably worrying enough that fifteen minutes later Emerie was banging down her door. Gwyn appeared a few minutes after. And within the hour, Emerie was ready to call the cops and all one hundred pounds of Gwyn was ready to start swinging. 

Nesta backed the two down on their defensive stances, insisting that she would eventually make the police report (she wouldn’t), as soon as she felt better (in never.) It was enough to calm them down but Nesta knew they would follow up on her promises. But that was a worry for another time. Currently, Nesta didn’t have a job nor did she have any of her homework done. So it became an impromptu girl’s night where Nesta again tried to focus on her schoolwork which eventually just ended in her getting wine drunk while Emerie cooked and Gwyn gossiped about her colleagues at her new job.

“Nesta, wake up.”

Nesta’s body struggled against the sudden request and she had half a mind to go back to sleep. But there was urgency in the tone of whoever was talking and that was enough to jolt her up.

“What?”

Emerie was staring at Nesta’s TV, transfixed in horror and Gwyn was staring at her as she took in the news. 

She recognized the bar she’d worked at in the background of the screen, with a reporter standing in front of it, stoically speaking into her microphone. Nesta didn’t listen to what she was saying, her sense of sound having been replaced by a faint drone that drowned out all other noise. Gwyn seemed to be speaking to her but Nesta didn’t hear a word.

Not as she saw the screen change and flash to the faces of the men who’d attacked her the night before.

Dead. 

Bar brawl gone wrong. 

Camera footage missing. 

No witnesses.

Nesta felt ill. A crawling, shuddering sensation sluiced through her as she thought about the coincidence of her refusing to turn the men in and the wrath on Cassian’s face that had barely dulled since he’d saved her the night before.

Too much of a coincidence, so much so, that there was no way it was one at all.

Nesta didn’t listen to Emerie as she spoke in panicked, almost screeching sounds. None of it was making any sense. Her friends didn’t stop her either as she grabbed her keys and purse and bolted out the door. 

The doorman to Cassian’s apartment building, Tom, was reluctant to let her through, even though he usually smiled brightly at her everytime she came with Cassian. But this time she wasn’t with Cassian, and Nesta zoned in and out of the explanation the burly guard gave her on rules about visitors.

When he was finished speaking, she fixed him with her deadpan stare, the one that sent most men scattering in all directions like the rats they usually were. She liked Tom though, but desperate times called for desperate measures and after a brief, silent war between their glares, he let her through.

Cassian didn’t answer the door on the first knock. Nor the second. Perhaps it was the previous night’s events were weighing down on her more than she’d expected, or maybe she was just tired, but Nesta’s temper snapped and instead of waiting for him a little longer, Nesta began pounding incessantly on the door.

She heard a faint snap of Cassian’s voice beyond the door telling her to hold on, but Nesta didn’t stop. She couldn’t summon an ounce of care as she continued banging on his door. Her fist almost hit his face as the door swung open, revealing an extremely displeased Cassian.

“What the fuck do you-. Nesta…”

Nesta glared. “What did you do?”

“What?”

Nesta shook her head, pushing past him into his apartment. Didn’t bother to step further in or remove her shoes. She only whirled on her heel and watched Cassian quickly shut the door, locking it. 

“What did you do to those men?”

Cassian stared at her stoically, barely allowing any hint of emotion to surface, likely to make sure whatever lie he was about to feed her was received well. 

“I don’t know what-”

Nesta put up a hand to stop him. “Don’t do that. Don’t lie to me. You never did before, don’t start now.”

Because even at the base of their relationship, “situationship” as Gwyn always called it, dishonesty had never been an issue. Nesta knew all about dishonest men, but Cassian had never been one to her. 

Cassian didn’t seem to be too happy with it but he finally nodded. “Don’t worry about it. You’ll be safe from them. They won’t be an issue for you.”

Nesta waited for more. 

“Ever.”

Shit.

“No,” she whispered. “No you didn’t. Tell me you didn’t.”

Cassian took a step towards her and she took one back. His face fell at that but he quickly recovered. “You didn’t want to report them. It was either that or this. So I chose.”

“Oh you chose, is that right? Well thank you Cassian. The grand savior once again. Except I don’t ever remember asking for your help.”

Cassian fixed her with an irate stare. “I could have reported it myself if I wanted to. I was a witness to a crime. But you said you didn’t want-”

Nesta cut him off. “Exactly. It’s what I didn’t want but you went out and found a loophole anyways.”

There was a tense silence between them, so new from how they usually were and yet suddenly becoming more and more common. At this rate they’d likely never speak to each other again.

“I’m sorry,” he finally caved. “But they were a danger to you and other people. If it makes you feel any better I didn’t outright do anything to them.”

Cassian walked past her, and against her screaming senses telling her to walk out immediately, she followed him.

Nesta quirked an eyebrow. “What does that mean?”

Cassian pulled a bottle of some fancy looking liquor from a shelf where a bunch of bottles were kept, and silently poured two drinks. He handed hers to her still slightly trembling hand while sipping from his own.

“I’m an attorney. I can’t exactly go around beating people up, criminal or not. But-”

“You didn’t beat them up,” she hissed. “They’re dead.”

Cassian waved a hand, dismissing it, so cavalier and cold it left her reeling.  “I didn’t do anything. I may have called in a favor with some old clients. But as for me, I didn’t do anything.” 

Nesta’s voice was ice cold when she spoke next. “What sort of clients?”

Cassian narrowed his eyes at her, probably at the judgment in her tone, and took another sip from his glass. He swallowed and she watched his throat bob at the motion. Felt a flash of heat run through her body at how good he looked, how many emotions that one action could elicit in her.

“You know who I’m talking about Nesta. Don’t act stupid just to call me out. I know what I’m doing.”

“Consorting with criminals seems to imply otherwise.”

Cassian shot her a wolfish grin, causing another pang of longing to shoot through her chest. He set his empty glass down before sauntering over to her. Nesta forced herself to keep her head tilted up, eyes meeting his and adamantly avoided the chiseled outline of his chest straining against his shirt. That and the curl of black ink at his neck. 

No she definitely wasn’t looking at that. 

“Alleged criminals. None of them were found guilty.”

Nesta snorted before knocking her drink back all in one large gulp. She made sure not to grace that parting shot with her own.

No, Nesta was realizing that her earlier and very much so stupid hope of entangling with Cassian again was idiotic and all the trouble not worth her time. Because she didn’t want to think about what that meant. For her, for them. How far Cassian was willing to go for her- no, had gone for her. She couldn’t accept that, couldn’t let it lord over her. She’d kept up with Cassian for so long because of how easy it was with him. All the sex of a great relationship without actually committing to each other. Because Nesta had already done commitment and loyalty and idiotic, blind love. 

Never again would she go down that road.

She set the glass down angrily on his countertop and made her way back out of his apartment. 

“Nesta-”

“No,” she called back. “I’m done. I’m walking away instead of continuing this stupid argument where we talk in circles. I’ll see you in class, Professor.”

She could have sworn she heard Cassian mutter something along the lines of “we’re never done.” but she didn’t look back.

~*~

Suits Taglist: @purpleglitterypinecone

@endlessdaydream

@sleeping-and-books @sirendeepity @mehx1000 @caotica-e-quieta @champanheandluxxury @teagoddess99 @nestaisgod @gwynkyrie @rainbowcheetah512 @fireheart2003 @daisy-in-danger @gwynberdara @karmasworlds @d0riansgray

@pixieelea

@absolution-s   @positivewitch @royaltykxx @moodymelanist @stardelia  @charming-butt-insane @cassiansbigwingspan @a-court-of-milkandhoney  @bookstantrash @duskandstarlight   @vasudharaghavan @sayosdreams @arielle-reads @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @nahthanks @oversizedbats @swankii-art-teacher @inardour @starryblueskies7 @rowaelinismyotp  @vidalinav @nessiantrashh @iwastoowildinthe70s  @lady-winter-sunrise @moonlitchandeliers @vanzetanze @generalnesta

@faeriebambula

[evansbby]

Hey everyone 💜 This is just something personal I thought I’d share. For no reason, really, except I felt like I wanted to and that I should. I’ve never shared this with anyone before and there’s really no purpose to this except I just wanted to write it all down. Please don’t reblog! (Not that anyone would lmao, but just saying). tw: suicide mention

A few years ago, when I was about 17/18, I was quite active on tumblr in a different fandom (not this blog, this is a sideblog that used to be empty and was one of my saved urls before I started posting on here in Feb of last year. Anyways, there was this one person whom I befriended on tumblr and we used to talk on messages like every day. And it got so unhealthy, to the point where I’d feel bad if I was online and didn’t reply to them, and felt like I always had to reply to them or else they’d get passive aggressive? I remember once I told them something along the lines of “hey! maybe it’d be okay if we… didn’t talk every day? like we’d still be friends, friends don’t have to talk every single day” and oh my gosh, they got so passive aggressive about it and made me feel so so guilty that I took it all back. I remember crying actual real tears over this, which is so crazy thinking back. Now, this person wasn’t a bad person and I wish them all the best in whatever they’re doing now and honestly don’t really have any ill feeling towards them. What I’m saying is that I was not emotional equipped or mature enough to be dealing with something like that. And then I remember another person (completely unrelated to this first person) randomly messaged me one day all like “you never speak to me, I thought we were friends!” And wrote all these paragraphs talking about how I don’t speak to them when we were never really close to begin with? And yet I let myself feel bad once more. I just did not have the emotional maturity to be creating boundaries online and all of this was a result of that. So I took a break from tumblr and I remember crying real tears and having a panic attack in the toilet and hoping these people would forgive me for taking a break. A BREAK FROM A DAMN WEBSITE. and then I came back a while later and I had my boundaries set very VERY high.

Which is still true now. Like, I never expected this blog to blow up as much as it has or the sheer volume of asks and messages I get every single day. (Not showing off but idk how else to put it). And I love it, like I love this type of interaction and I feel like this fandom is so much friendlier and healthier than any previous fandoms I’ve been in. Yet a lot of the time I still feel like an outsider, like I have this imposter syndrome. Like all these other blogs are all friends and I’m just there like 🧍🏻lmao. But I feel like that’s bc I’m still so wary bc of what I’ve been through on this website in the past. Like I’ve put up these high walls and I get anxious that a repeat of something like what happened before, will happen again. I feel like I’ve matured from that experience enough to set my boundaries so that I don’t EVER find myself in a position that I’m crying over someone being passive aggressive to me online (although I doubt that would ever happen again, I was like 18 when that happened and I was emotionally a child). And I feel like this is partly why I get overwhelmed so easily when my messages pile up that I just leave them ignored — bc i know this sounds deep and weird but I said to myself that the moment this stops being fun, I need to delete this app bc it’s not worth my mental health.

And it was only much later, when tiktok became a thing and people started sharing their experiences about how they were 12/13/14 and on tumblr trying to persuade a fully grown adult not to unalive themselves, that I realised that so many people have had similar toxic experiences on tumblr. Having grown people trauma dump on you through dm and you feel so guilty and don’t know how to cut them off and you think it’s a true friendship when really it’s not.

Idk why I’m sharing this except for the fact that I just had to write it down. And it still makes me anxious now, as much as I try to deny it. Then I have to remind myself that I’m a grown ass 23 year old now who will never have to go through experiences like that again, bc I am in charge of who I talk to. And this is why I kind of just… am so nervous about talking to people sometimes. Although tbh as I said before, this fandom has been so good to me. Like everyone is so nice and understanding of boundaries and I really love that. I’m happy to be a part of this community and I want to be everyone’s friend but I’m just so in my own head about it. Idk if I’m even making sense anymore, I just feel that a lot of the time I have to second-guess every interaction I make bc I don’t want people to hate me or take my humour the wrong way or find me annoying. Like, that’s my other biggest fear. Or rather, my default feeling: that people on here find my annoying lmao. And I’m not looking for sympathy, and I’ve said this before and y’all amazing people have reassured me that I’m not. But I’m just writing my feels down rn bc it’s kinda therapeutic idk. And idk how to end this so I guess I’ll just end it here lmao. Anyways

[proship-selfship]

Hi, I came to this site around a year ago. At the time, I had no idea what the terms anti or proshipper meant, and just wanted to join in order to find content for fandom related stuff. Well, this is how I accidentally inadvertently fell into the anti pipeline, and I am going to call it a pipeline because I have fallen down both the far right pipeline on YouTube and the anti pipeline here on tumblr and I can tell you that they both utilize the exact same tactics to trick youth into thinking just like them.

I basically just followed whatever fandom blogs were recommended to me by the tumblr algorithm, I didn’t really know any better. They all had something like ‘proship DNI’ or ‘proshitters 🤮’ but I didn’t know what any of that meant so I followed anyway.

I eventually got ingrained with the sort of anti-community of this fandom, and it’s really scary shit the stuff they say and how they act. They made me feel like anyone who didn’t think like them was CRAZY, they were unfathomably EVIL and INHUMAN, they were the only safe ones in fandom to talk to, EVERYONE either is or should be EXACTLY like them. There was very much a sense of being watched and judged and I felt myself getting anxiety, obsessively combing through peoples blogs before reblogging from them because god forbid if you did reblog from someone ‘bad’ you’d get about ten dozen anons telling you to kill yourself for being a dirty hidden proshipper trying to infiltrate the antis and get completely ostracized and dropped by the ‘friend’ group. God forbid if you disagreed with any of the popular leaders, either. And it’s not like there were any hard-and-set rules, either. They were literally just using social Justice language as a blunt weapon to bludgeon anyone who didn’t hold their same views. Because one ship could get called pedophilia for being a 3 year age difference between a 20 and a 23 year old, and anyone who ships that is a weirdo or a groomer in disguise, but if it’s a ship THEY like, an age difference of 10 years between an 18 and 28 year old was just dandy.

People also used the anti term as a shield against criticism, and especially as a shield against suspicion. There are a ton of actual honest to fucking god groomers and pedophiles in anti circles who portray themselves as ‘good, trustworthy adults’ because of how they only consume good, morally pure content. I had one big-ish fandom anti slid into my fucking messages asking me for my real name, my age, and a selfie, so she could better ‘protect me’ and make sure I only talked about topics I ‘should’ talk about. Was weirdly fucking obsessed with knowing what my race was and would constantly post weird reblog baits and tag me in them like ‘what’s your eye color’ or ‘what’s your skin color’ since I refused to send her a selfie or tell her my race. And a lot of antis know about the presence of these fucking pedophiles in their midst but don’t report them or do anything about them because it would be ‘bad for their image’ and ‘the proshitters would have a field day’ or ‘I know they were creepy towards you but I know for a fact that they’re not a bad person because we’ve both harassed and suicide baited dozens of people with bad fiction opinions together and I know she only has good opinions on the media I consume soooo Idc if she was creepy towards you and the 6 thousand other minors in the fandom lol kill yourself you attention whore <3’ the last one may or may not be based on an actual conversation.

So tldr they very much made me feel like. They were the only ones with opinions that mattered, they were the only one who I could trust, they were the majority and everyone was just like them anyway and you’re crazy if you think anyone thinks differently from us because EVERYONE secretly thinks exactly like us and if you disagree with anything you must be one of those weird groomer pedophile freaks.

The reason I fell out of this anti pipeline? I was saved because of their own bigotry. I’m asexual, and one night, one of the big antis in fandom goes on a out-of-the-blue absolute tirade about how much they absolutely despise asexuals, how we are infiltrating the lgbt and trying to ban sex, how we are just straight people in disguise trying to make lgbt into puritans, how much she just wanted to bash our skulls in. I read all this, decide to respond to it in the morning, go to bed and find myself blocked by everyone for some bullshit about secretly being a pro shipper in disguise all along, despite having done nothing to warrant that response. I had blocked who they wanted, refused to talk to whoever they didn’t want me to talk to, etc. oh wait, could it be? That they just made some shit up because I had the fact that I was asexual in my bio and hid like the little cowards they are? I highly suspect it, and at the time it was crushing, but now I’m very thankful for it. Never thought I’d say this, but Thank god for aphobia 🙏

I have so much more to say about how they had probably the most conservative and bafflingly republican views I had ever witnessed since the 1950s. Like the racism was cartoonishly bad. The stereotypes about people of different sexualities. The blatant ignorance about other cultures. The misogyny, both towards fictional women and real-life women they hated. I have stories for days

...This was a wild ride from start to finish. I get told "antis aren't a cult wdym" and then I get anecdotes like this from people who've escaped those circles that just reinforce my point. This is so fucked up.

[new-lorien-artist]

hey there, not to provide interaction for a post i’m sure you wanted people to interact w/ — feel free to ignore if this is the case.

as a fic writer who fears dying from health problems or from my parents maybe killing me if they find out i’m queer (it’s a bit of an irrational fear but also not,,, anyways), i feel you w/ that post. not completely, but a lot.

first off — something that may help ease your anxieties about people online knowing what’s happened to you. ao3 has something called ‘next of kin’ that you can set up with a close friend if you happen to die. ao3 will give them access to your account in that case (don’t ask me how they determine if you’re dead or not — they do have a process, i just can’t remember it rn). i have a friend of mine on ao3 who’s set up as my next of kin. if she doesn’t hear from me in a long long time, because we talk often, she’ll email ao3 and ask them for this access to my account. i don’t want any of my works altered. i just want her to add a little note that says smth like ‘hey, check out the writer’s profile’ in the endnotes of all my fics, and i want her to put a short message in that ao3 profile that says something about the fact that i am dead now, but i loved my time in fandom, and the people i met through it.

maybe you can set this up too, if you want to. it eased some of my anxieties about being gone and no one online knowing — my tumblr friends do have my ao3, and check it sometimes, so i know they’d eventually find out. it’s not perfect but it’s helped me.

also as someone who also writes in fandoms that don’t get much traction i also know what you mean by that, kind of. it’s hard. you love creating but also feel responsibility for like, being the one to create. and it’s a weird place to be in but one that doesn’t an easy fix. i deal with it by spending time offline, but that’s only made me ignore the problem, not deal with it head on. i wish i could offer better advice but i can say that while i do love your blog, i care for your well-being more than anything you could ever create. and i know that internalising this sorta thing can be hard sometimes, and that’s fine — i’m just leaving it here.

as for the real life stuff, like schoolwork and graduation, i unfortunately don’t have much experience with that and so can’t offer much in the way of that. if you have support networks offline you’ll probably already be using them, you probably do all you can offline to try and stay happy. it sounds like you’re in a lot of pain — in many ways — and i guess i’d just say to, if you haven’t already though you probably have, try to alleviate as much of it as you can whilst still living the life you want. if you’re not sure what you want, although you may be, try and think of it. it can be horrifically hard when in pain, i know.

i don’t know. advice varies widely on the experiences of the giver and the circumstances of the receiver, so there is a good chance that most of this will not be what you need to hear. and i do apologise for that; i’m not trying to be a douche, i promise, and i’m not trying to make assumptions about you and i’m not usually the kind of person to into someone’s inbox unsolicited and talk about this.

i just know how awful it is to be in pain, physically and mentally, and i just wanted to say that i hope it gets better for you, i hope you’re able to move through the world as best as you can. pain is so unspeakably terrible. not knowing, or regret, is too. i know. i’m sending you a virtual… thing of… the things you like (i’m not someone w/ a lot of eloquent words). want the best for you bc you are a person ofc, but also because you’ve made my day brighter so many a time with the words or pictures you put out into the world.

i hope that you’re doing okay, or will be, is what i’m trying to say, i guess. :)

This was sent a while ago and I apologize for the late reply, but first off I'm really thankful for the kind words and the advice. I kept this in my inbox reading over again and again, and I hope this response feels just because this ask means a lot and I'm so so grateful for your words. It's definitely easing me a bit. I don't mind it at all that you sent this

I do have an AO3 though it's mostly used to bookmark some of my favorite fics (many that I've yet to give my proper due in comments to). It's nice that the site has that feature, so what I can do is translate some of my works and WIPs into fanfic and put those there, and possibly the next of kin feature may be of use

I have a lot more illustrative works than written that are in the plans, which I think I'll just put into a Google Drive or something and share that, so any other artists in the fandom can take a look at them and draw them out. A ton of the ideas I have are very conceptual and abstract (they deal with a lot of headcanons, interpretations from the books, and relationships between the characters the way I see them), and I'm not sure how much of them will translate to others to get the idea across, so I'm working on gathering as much reference material and notes as I can if it's really important. I'm not about about credit, but I think just tagging this blog when using an incomplete WIP will suffice

As for the responsibility for a fandom stuff, I came to a conclusion a few years ago to just enjoy the fandom while it lasts and be more celebratory of the people I'm surrounded by and being able to share a mutual love for the piece of media that brought us together in the first place. My opinion then was that fandom, however small it is, shouldn't be a burden even though it weighed my heart to see something that has given so much to me feel like it was crumbling away. Rather, the friends you make, the days spent creating and enjoying and arguing and dreaming with people you look forward to talk to every day, even if you might be miles apart and will never see face to face, they're central to fandom and are what make creative works so much more amazing and beautiful and loving. I made so so many friends in the fandom from rps to group chats to discord servers, and even some irl, and have let them know on multiple occasions how much they matter to me, and have learned how much they cared about me as well, and that eased my heart at the time. If I had all the time in the world, I would reread their fanfics over and over and look over the small details they knitted into the stories and tell them how much I love their works, and how happy I am to have met them

Note this was my opinion a few years ago, and a lot has changed (many of the same people I used to talk to, I haven't seen since, both irl and online, and these days I don't know most people in the fandom anymore and have very little time to socialize), I ran the whole 13yearsoflorien celebration in hopes to make a community revival and for people to make friends here (which was an incredibly draining process but im thankful it's been done and that @/thedumpsterwizard could help me with it) and ofc my offline life is very tied up with school, so things have been a bit harrowing lately. Needless to say, I think the opinion I formed years ago still rings true, and I'd like to reconsider those words again. I don't know if those same words are helpful to you, but I hope the burden you feel on fandom creativity eases.

Again, I'm so so thankful for this ask, I apologize if I've made you worry about sending this ask whether it had unsolicited advice or felt rude. I appreciate you reaching out, and though it's true advice may vary wildly between the sender and receiver, I think for this I'm sending my gratitude that a lot of this felt helpful and touching, and for your kindness as well. I'm sending my deepest condolences for your situation and health fears, and the physical and mental and emotional strain it all puts on you. I'm glad you take the offline time to ease yourself, and that you have a friend you speak to frequently and who you trust with your work. I know I spent a greater part of this message responding to your words, but I hope what I say here eases you as well, and I reach out in hopes you find this answer and find some relief from it. I wish for the both of us to see better and kinder days and that we will make it through all this soon, and that our fears will stay just fears and won't get the better of us. And that our health will be good too

Please take care, and thank you again for this message

[secretsandlabrats]

My Fanfic Books summary

Background information: These will be written sometime in the early or mid-term period of 2024. I’m in the process of planning it, and all this information will be on my Tumblr and Archive Of Our Own (AO3). I’m also deciding whether I need test readers to see if it makes sense for someone else to read, because it could make sense for me, but not for others, that’s why these readers are important. I will leave my email so that everyone from Tumblr/or AO3 can contact me to see if they can reach me, although I would be happy if they would introduce themselves with their Tumblr/or AO3 handle in front of their name (it will help me stay organized).

Book 1- Sequel before the current snippets on AO3; in planning stages

The two boys who had fought against each other in recent years are now a unit brought together by one of their leaders. There was a somewhat awkward moment for both, especially for the rest of the team members and rightly so. They only communicated with each other by email and that was still it, but they never thought that after their last encounter they would work with The Incapacitator, who hurt one of them.

Book 2- Current version; current snippet on AO3; in planning stages

They ultimately decided to move on from the past because they thought it was better than having some kind of unpleasant relationship with each other that will cause tension (such as arguments and weird stares). Now they no longer have to interact with each other via email, as they can now communicate through conversations or text messages. As they get closer, the school decides to do a homecoming dance during the time they are supposed to be nice to each other.

Book 3- Future version; in planning stages

From now on, the boys are now friends with each other and they could talk about anything with each other. Once, whenever they spoke, they only realized how different their life actually was, then they began to wonder if their life was different. They bond over through their lives and there are tensions that are arriving from someone else in the team who is sulking in his jealousy, how close they are coming. He tries to take back his friend which brings new troubles along with his plan to bring his friend back.

Email- sirissblog@gmail.com

AN // There will be a series two and it will be worked on the year after, meaning sometime in 2025 or 2026.

[haywire-cebus]

We Could Have Been Anywhere

A fic centered around the entire chain, detailing different worlds and different pov. Other chapters and AO3 link are in the reblog (I still don’t know how much tumblr eats posts with outside links)

Nine moments of peace and rest in a journey that appears to be endless. Moments separated by weeks, even months, as strangers become friends, friends become brothers. 

--

A Few Months

Time has his opinions on the goddess Hylia. Their relationship is rocky at best; and thankfully the devout Sky seems to respect it (though he doesn’t always understand). Even before his journey, he never prayed to her. No need, not when he had the Great Deku Tree there as an ever-present guide. 

Until he wasn’t there. 

And until he was seven years in the future, trapped in a body that was his but wasn’t. 

And until he was a child again, in body only but mind partially, stuck in a hopeless cycle of repeating days. 

Even then, he never prayed. He cursed, cried out, and spoke calmly at whatever statue he assumed would get his message to the Goddess, but never prayed.

Time is close to praying now. Now that everyone is exhausted. Mentally and physically. 

He could never say he hated, or even disliked, another Link’s Hyrule. They rarely had any kind of a say in what their world looked like, mostly only able to not make it worse. But he had no qualms saying that Sky’s Eldin Volcano could be a huge pain in the ass. (He had some qualms saying it out loud, he's not a hypocrite. But he's certainly thinking it.)

An unending, oppressive heat (only to be matched by the inside of his own Death Mountain, or the all-encompassing swelter of Wild’s entire Eldin mountain range) had been bearing down on them for days. He’s never liked the heat; preferring even the coldest mountaintops to the way sweat clings to his body, a constant no potion or clothing could fully hide him from. A product of growing up with the sun shaded by leaves and trickling streams bitterly refreshing just a step away.

Time is ready to say he would kill for a portal somewhere cool. A respite of some kind. 

He almost chuckles at the thought of Hylia giving them some vacation time, but decides to send the thought upwards anyways. Couldn’t hurt anymore than what she has already done to them all. 

The rest of the chain appear to be at their limit as well, probably making their own pleas, if their endless stream of cursing and complaints were anything.

“Sky, I get that your Hyrule is the basis for my entire existence and stuff, but I fucking hate it here.” Legends voice drawls out, repeating the same sentiment he’d been griping about almost as soon as they were teleported there. “Why are there so many hot fucking mountains everywhere. They’re everywhere- not just in Hyrule-” He continues on, muttering to Warriors, who is currently bearing the weight of Legend’s complaints. 

Sky lets out a heavy sigh. His sailcloth is no longer draped across his shoulders, instead tied around his waist to get a layer of heat off his shoulders. Time is debating removing his armor; the heat is causing it to burn when it brushes against his bare skin, but the distant chittering of Pyrups and other volcanic monsters convinces him to keep it on. It’s not unbearable, or even damaging. Just very, very annoying. 

“If we have to fight something like Ghoma here I’m quitting. That thing gave me nightmares for weeks. Did you have to fight a Ghoma, Time?” Wind asks, trudging along beside him. For a second, he envies the kid’s youthful energy until the feeling of being too big and too small and too not-right in his own skin makes him shudder, so he answers instead.

“Yes, it was a giant spider that-” It’s been years since the Deku Tree passed but thinking about it still makes the guilt run through him. No matter how often Malon talks him through it, he still wishes he could have done more, done better. The idea that Wind had to fight something like that made something bitter curl up in his stomach. “It was in my first temple.”

“Oh, weird. Mine wasn’t a spider, it was like a centipede or something.”

Hyrule, who moved closer to the front of the marching order as the path got a bit narrower, entered their conversation. “I fought something called Ghoma, too. Mine was a spider.”

Wind turns to look at him, and Time has to hold himself back from putting a hand on his shoulder. The kid can take care of himself, even if his shouting could attract monsters that none of them really have the energy to deal with in the heat. 

“What! That’s not right at all!”

“To be fair, mine was much more monster than spider.”

Wind turns to Hyrule, trying to grill him for more details of what exactly his Ghoma looked like, before making his way through their group to ask everyone if they had a Ghoma and what theirs looked like. Time makes no move to stop him in this, because he knows as soon as he reaches where Warrior’s is near the back the captain will keep an eye on him.

Hyrule speaks up once Wind’s focus is off of them, “I think the heat is starting to drag everyone down, Sky was walking slower than normal when I passed him. I think he was starting to wheeze too.”

Time nods but doesn’t answer vocally. He scans the surroundings and is about to ask Sky if he knows of a safe area to set up camp--it’s barely past midday, but with heat like this and no clear goal it’s safer to rest up while they can and continue on at night--when the familiar thrum of a portal fills the air. 

If he’s allowed to be thankful for anything, it’s that it didn’t form right underneath them. His body isn’t old by any means, but he isn’t sure if his heart could take the resulting panic of thinking the ground fell out beneath them all on a volcano mountain range.

Black and purple spirals swirl in the light of the portal, ominous as always despite how the heat makes the mystery of where they end up preferable. 

At the front of the team, Time steps forwards, calling back a quick “is everyone ready?” and stepping into it as soon as he hears the affirmative from the others.

Instead of solid ground, gravity catches up to him once he’s fully through. He barely braces enough to catch himself on hands and knees, immediately spluttering in the water he was dropped into. It’s only instincts born of age that tell him to move out of the way as the others come tumbling through behind him, with varying states of successful landings. 

Fully soaked after rolling away from the others and the ensuing splashing, he takes a moment to check his companions, but is quickly distracted by the wave of familiar magic that washes over him. 

Catching sight of the enclosed cave and copious leaves scaling the walls around them, Time allows himself to relax fully. He breathes in the smell; nature and fairy magic wrapped together into something that feels too much like childhood. The feeling settles heavy on his tongue. A cloyingly sweet taste just on the side of pleasant to not be nausea inducing. They will be safe here, for as long as the fairies in this fountain allow them to stay. 

He notices Hyrule remove his hat, wringing it out as he glances around. The young hero’s face pinches, “we’re in my Hyrule, but we’ll be safe in here.”

“Are you sure?” Warriors speaks up as he gets out of the water, wringing his scarf out as he looks around. Time takes special note of the pinched look on his face.

Hyrule makes his own way out of the fountain, lending a hand to Wind over the high edge. “Don’t worry about offending a Great Fairy, this one is normally just filled with the smaller ones, as a little resting place for them when they travel between the larger fountains. I’ve rested for a few days before.”

“If you’re positive.” Looking only halfway convinced, Warriors gives a tense nod.

“You know,” Wind says as the rest of the team steps out of the fountain. Their loud entrance probably scared the fairies away for the moment, but they'll return soon enough. Wind continues, “this is the exact type of place Ghoma would show up-”

Warriors pushes Wind back into the fountain. He comes up spluttering, and with only a warning glare he leaps onto Warriors, yanking him down with him.

“Be respectful, this is a place of healing.” Time’s voice cuts through the noise that erupted from the others, stopping Wild and Four from where they were about to join in. 

Twilight sets his things down next to Time and sits, patting the damp ground with a smile. Time obliges, hoping that the others would follow their example. Twilight grins, “it’s been a good while since I’ve been in a fairy fountain. It’ll be nice to refresh our stock.”

“So these are the fairy fountains you all have been mentioning?” Sky joins them, without his sailcloth. Time glances around to see it draped out on a rock, where Warriors is adding his scarf to the pile. It sounds like he’s trying to ask Legend to use his fire rod to speed up the drying process. He dutifully ignored them. That problem will sort itself out. 

Time turns pointedly back to Sky, “I thought you’ve caught fairies before?”

He shrugs at him, face pinching into what Time is beginning to recognize as embarrassment for his adventure being so different from the others (as if Time’s adventures were in any way “normal” or desirable). “I’ve never seen more than one in a place. I’m a little excited.”

Wind joins them, tailing behind Wild as he begins handing out some food from his slate. It seems they will be resting here a while, especially if Legend and Warriors setting up their bedrolls has anything to say about it. 

He’s barely able to hide a fond smile as Wind sits right next to him, “my Great Fairies were a little creepy.” His eyes go wide after he says this, turning towards the water and calling out, “not in a bad way! They were awesome and very helpful and-”

Wild laughs and covers Wind’s mouth. “They aren’t that easily offended. I think Cortera would actually be delighted- she seemed happy enough to scare the pants off me when I first stumbled upon her.” 

As Hyrule approaches, the group easily makes room for him to join them, though he keeps himself angled towards the water. “Mine are very kind. I’m worried no one has shown up, though.”

Time unlatches his pauldron, rolling his shoulder as the weight is lifted. “Nine people just came falling through the ceiling, I’m sure anyone would be a little wary to investigate, even if those nine people have familiar souls to them.”

“I suppose.” He still looks concerned, his fingers worrying a tear in his tunic. They’ll need to find a town soon to stock up on more basic supplies. Being in the Eldin mountain range was awful on their clothes. Malon would have a fit if she knew Time was letting everyone walk around with scorch marks all over. 

Time, however, knows he will be no match for when Legend gets a second away from his bickering with Warriors to fully take stock of everyone's appearance. 

The conversation is easy for the next few minutes. Time lets it wash over him, gazing over his team as he waits for the fairies to return. 

Hyrule feels their return first. Time has been watching him, so he knows the moment they return by the way he perks up. Legend is the next to notice, pulling a few bottles out of his bag. Time also reaches for his bag, but instead of bottles, he grabs a flask and small glass jar. 

Ignoring the questioning look Twilight sends him as he stands, he approaches the water’s edge, where Hyrule is speaking softly to the fairies.

The group had learned the man could speak to fairies pretty quickly, when he first saw Four pull a bottle out to heal someone after a fight. It wasn’t until everyone realized he was talking to the fairies themselves that things made sense; Hyrule had never bottled fairies, but was okay with the others doing so because apparently, in their times, it was like a game to the magical creatures. If you could catch them, they owe you a favor. The bottles never hurt them, though everyone was a little hesitant to catch the fairies the next few times they came across one after that conversation, to be safe. 

Everyone except Time, of course. He couldn’t speak to every fairy, just the few that had accompanied him on his journey, but growing up around them meant he could read their body language quite well. 

He also knew how to say thank you in a way they would really appreciate. 

As such, he sets out a small curved plate at the water’s edge. He pours the flask’s contents on it, before opening the jar and dolloping a bit of the honey inside along the edge. 

“What are you doing?” Hyrule asks. He’s quite the sight; one fairy in his cupped hands while a few others play with his hair and tug on his dirty clothes.

“Sugar water and honey,” Time sits back, away from the plate. “Fairies adore the stuff. I’m surprised they haven’t asked you for any, considering you can talk to them.” He wishes he had a spare bell to tie up on one of the branches. They adore flying through them so they clink around.

“Oh. Well, sugar is really expensive and honey is really rare, they’re probably not used to it.” He grows silent as the fairies float away from him and swarm the dish. “I wish I could do more to help them, considering how much they’ve helped me.”

Time barely holds back a sigh. It was so hard to know what to say, especially when he saw so much of his own attitudes in the others. Malon was so much better at this. She wasn’t here, though, thank Hylia for that at the least, so he had to be the one to help the others with things like this.

At the very least, seeing how easily Hyrule is speaking around them all shows that their whole group isn’t messing things up too badly. When he first joined, Hyrule only signed occasionally, speaking only when necessary. Wild gets like that as well, when he comes out of what are apparently memories of his past. Their time spent non-verbal shrinks more and more each time it comes up, something Time recognizes as similar to hisearly  time around Malon on Lon Lon Ranch. That, in itself, prods him to open up a little. “I grew up around fairies,” and, okay, it was a little funny to see how Hyrule’s head (and the others, who were so clearly trying to look like they weren’t snooping now) perked up at the chance for him to finally talk about his past in some regard. “They like helping, and letting them do so is probably the best way to thank them. If anything, me doing this for them,” he gestures at the offering, “is just going to make them beg you for it any time you see them. I suppose I should be apologizing to you.” 

The soft laugh Hyrule lets out is more than enough to let him know he must have said something right. The younger man is saved from figuring out a response as Wind rushes over (barely startling the fairies, who were too engrossed by the offering to care) and gapes at Time, “you grew up around what.”

That’s the end of his chance for peace and quiet for the day. Perhaps the next week, even. 

As he begins to tune out Wind’s pestering for more information he glances over his team. 

Relaxed, small wounds being quickly healed by the fairies around them, laughing, and sharing some of the bread Wild handed out before joining the group by the water. The hero mindlessly hands Time and Hyrule their own share of bread, and Time passes Hyrule the honey to put on his bread (he isn’t oblivious, of course, but he will let the hero keep his secrets a while longer). 

They could stand to stay here longer than a night, as long as the fairies are okay with it.

Or, at least, so long as he doesn’t run out of sugar water.

[moonlightdancer26]

Is there a love story behind elloona👀???

I’m glad you asked 👀

To answer your question: Yes. There is, in fact, a love story behind my relationship with @maruke2003.

Here are the names in case you don’t remember:

El/Ellie — @maruke2003

Seph — @halfblood-princes-crown

Astro — @astronova-00

Martina/Mars Bars — @bookwalmartav

Will/Willow — @somesnapefan2

Rose — @rosetheslytherpuffxoxo

Teddy — @teddyscottish

Anyway

I’ll start from the ✨beginning✨

Disclaimer: This is input from both sides. I have told El about this question and we’ve discussed it.

Funnily enough, we met through our first adopted child—Seph. He was the reason El and I became friends, wives, and mothers. 😌

So, I never noticed El, even though she noticed me a little before. I only really noticed her when she began sending Seph Snupin drabbles to try and convert him into becoming a Snupin shipper.

(I’ll get to that in a bit ^)

How we felt about each other before we became friends:

El told me that: “You intimidated the fuck out of me but I wanted to be your friend cuz I thought you were cool.” (😕) Because of my aura, apparently.

And, I feel bad for saying this but, I was a bit weirded out when I first noticed her sending asks to Seph. Back then, I was only friends with four members of the Elloona fam (Seph, Astro, Will, and Martina) and Seph was my fave person on Tumblr. I wasn’t weirded out in a mean-sorta-way, I was just like “hold the phone. who’s this person and why’s Seph friends with them?” because I’ve never noticed their existence before and was curious because they really seemed to love Snupin, so I was like.. there’s a Snupin shipper trying to convert my bestie and I didn’t know about it?😭

******************

Moving on, it had finally dawned on me that Seph didn’t ship Snupin, so I was like *le gasp* and sent him this ask where I expressed my shock over him not shipping Snupin and told him that I can send a bunch of recs. Seph of course refused (🙄). On the other hand, @maruke2003, seeing this, tags me in the replies (all the replies are there in the post I linked btw, so you can go check them out for yourself) and asks me to send me some recs for our wonderful OTP, and I, being myself, decide to create The Ultimate Snupin Fanfic List and list almost 50 fics—in which there are series included (so idk if each part of the series counts as an individual fic). She thanked me for it and noticed that one of the fics I recommended to her was Lily’s Boy by SomewheresSword, so she was like “OMG I LOVE LILY’S BOY” and told me I went a bit overboard. I told her she had wonderful taste and apologised, then she said she opened like 20 new fics and that “we’ll need to chat about Snupin one day cuz YES.”

Here was the exchange, for the lazy ones:

And that was that. I was just like “aight ig they’re pretty cool (if you ship Snupin, I automatically like you, that’s the rule), I hope we’ll manage to convert Seph one day.” I simply moved on with life.

Then around two days later El DMs me, iirc it was about Lily’s Boy (and Snupin fics as a whole), I was kinda like “oh” but replied anyway. We got to talking and it was enjoyable, then we soon started messaging each other everyday. And then boom. Chaotic Snupin-loving besties.

How we became wives:

One day, a random idea popped up in my head: What if El and I had a ship tag for our interactions for both of our blogs? I thought it’d be a fun little touch to both our blogs and so I told her about it, and she said we should make a ship name for us. Then we exchanged some choices and El came up with: ✨Elloona✨

I don’t remember at what point of our relationship did we start calling each other wives, but it just happened. I’m pretty sure it might have started when Ellie edited her bio and added “Moon is my wife” (🥹), and I was like omg let’s do that for each other and so I changed my bio. And we pretty much just went with that.

El and I kinda made flirty comments with each other bc we’re both dirty-minded and we love to make dumb jokes, so I think that’s where it started.

How we became mothers / How we became The Elloona Fam:

One day, Ellie just told me “I adopted Seph” and I was like yoooo. I thought it’d just stop at Seph but El and I soon started to gather up more and more children.

Here is the order of who we adopted:

1. Seph

2. Astro (who declared themselves as our child 🙂)

3. Martina

4. Rose

And we also got siblings for ourselves, Ellie has two siblings—our children’s aunts: Will and Teddy. I don’t have a sibling in the Elloona fam (THE POSITION IS OPEN but if we aren’t that close I’ll have to decline <3), but I suppose I have more than enough irl siblings to make up for that 🤷‍♀️

One day, El came up with a new tag: “The Elloona fam.” And now we just accepted it as our family name. We also created some other tags: “stan the Elloona fam for clear skin,” “Elloona and their first child,” (<- I came up with the first two 😌), “the Elloona fam,” “Elloona fam,” and “the Elloona sisters.” We might create one for the children but they hardly interact. 🙄

So yeah, I guess this just about covers it. Thanks for asking!

[kirbys-pop-culture-junk]

Japanese copy of Danganronpa for the PSP that I bought on the SomethingAwful forums back in like 2013 or so.

I feel like a lot of people my age went through a 4chan phase of their life as almost a rite of passage where they spent at the least a little bit of time on the site, especially in the late 2000s/early 2010s era. As someone who has always been a bit of an old soul, for some reason for me I had a SomethingAwful phase.

I had always been a fan of the weird stuff on the site, especially Photoshop Phriday, the kinds of stuff that a 13/14 year old in 2003/04 probably should not have been looking at. But the forums themselves were always paywalled and something that I never really had much of an interest in going to anyway. All of my forums were retro video game and wrestling message boards and I didn’t feel the need to branch out that badly. It wasn’t until I got a bit older and hit that specific weirdo cynic phase of my life when I was like 18 when boards like SomethingAwful appealed to me.

I became a longtime lurker of the place, including a fan of Retsupurae, the YouTube SA-based series that is now a relic of early YouTube history, before finally purchasing an account, as well as Archives access (for an extra fee you were able to access the entire forum archive, which for a person like me who loves history it meant I could access stuff like posts that got weirdos like TotalBiscuit banned on the site) and started to post, mostly in the Let’s Play, Games, and Food boards. I’m sure you’ve heard about the drama associated with SA and I can safely tell you that yes, even the board that just talked about food and cooking had drama with members and it was honestly always absurdly hilarious. As an internet-lonely early 20s doofus, it was a place to make friends. The last community I was involved with (Detective Conan) had things end on extremely sour notes with some friends while other friends kinda just drifted away, which meant that a lot of the time that I spent online, I was extremely lonely. Using SomethingAwful around the same time that I started heavily using Tumblr meant that I got to see both sides of the infamous Danganronpa Let’s Play Paywall situation. I’m not gonna lie, all the posts getting upset that Lowtax would put the LP Paywall back up whenever a new chapter of the Let’s Play for the game came out used to crack me up, as did seeing all the ways people would circumvent it by even posting god damned screenshots of posts in the thread. I was even there for when slowbeef infamously banned someone for using the phrase “intriguingly moe” to describe a character and let’s be real here, slowbeef was completely in the right.

Being like 23 and having what I thought was disposable income, as a gag I figured I’d buy a copy of the game from the SA Mart from a fellow goon for like $15. It was the only time I ever used the SA Mart to buy anything. I didn’t even have a way to play it, I just thought it was a funny gag as someone who liked the series and characters while also seeing the fandom in the early days of Tumblr Fandoms being a thing go bananas for everything possible about it. I hung out on SA until about early 2015, when a lot of us realized that after having corners of the site that were a dedicated safe haven for people like us, it was getting overtaken by garbage again, so most all of us abandoned ship for the hangout future of Twitch streams, Skype group chats, and of course, Twitter.

When Lowtax committed suicide a few years back, there were a lot of people making self-reflective posts about their own lives on SomethingAwful, and I completely understood why, and even had my own little taken aback moment over being reminded of that period of me life. Lowtax was a genuinely reprehensible human being and even when I was an active user of SA a lot of the forum regulars were well past tired of him and his antics. But people used the site and turned it into something that I don’t think Lowtax had ever wanted it to be. For a large chunk of people now-a-days Online, especially leftist/progressives in their late 20s to mid-to-late 30s, that was where a lot of friends were made. I made some of my longest lasting internet friends on that site, including people that I talk to to this day. I learned *a lot* from the people I met on there, including people who helped me gain new perspectives on things in life. Before becoming a SA Goon, back when I was a lonely post-college dropout living in an entirely new town away from home and away from all my friends I grew up with, I was almost a reclusive outcast, a college liberal dirtbag leftist who watched Bill Maher. People on SA that I met got me to knock all that obnoxious shit off and I don’t even think they realized it.

Even though SomethingAwful was only a footnote of a few years or so of my life, it was definitely one of the biggest moments of my internet life, and maybe one of the times where I went through the most changes as a human being. As a website, it was an awful, awful place full of stupidity (never forget the guy who peed “LET’S PLAY” into the snow) but I can’t ignore the fact that I also made some friends with some very cool people who helped mold me into the person that I am today. And as a shoutout to those people, much love to FutureFriend, TheJayofSpade, DeviousVacuum (you’ll always be DVac to me), Danzel Glovington (maybe the first friend I made on SA. Haven’t spoken to you in years but hope all is well), DazzlynReed (an absolute sweetheart), Metroixer, FreezingInferno, Captain_Duck (one of the first people to give me a chance by having me guest on streams), Color Printer, and ChorpSaway.

Also a funny thing about SomethingAwful is how many new people I meet that as it turns out were on the site at the same time as me despite our paths never crossing. One of my best friends and someone very important to me now is something who was hilariously on the cusp of interacting with me on SA for years and years due to the both of us sharing a lot of the same friends, before we finally began talking barely a few years ago. I constantly kick myself over how I could’ve known her even almost a decade ago and it just never happened!!

This was a lot more than I had anticipated writing and I don’t think I properly conveyed all my thoughts about this period of my life the way I wanted to but I think you will at the least get the gist of it.

[rthko]

I just want 2 say thank you for running this blog and being so loud and unapologetic with everything you say (that I completely agree with) because it's literally so nice to sometimes just see this stuff and see people who also see that sex and kink will infinitely be intertwined with mlm identities. I posted the lyrics to I'm still your fag on my ig story earlier only to get hooligans replying to it making fun of the lyrics and talking about how gross it was that I posted it (bc of the piss line, which isn't my thing, but is such an important part of the song and the message it's getting across) and it made me feel so icky then I got on tumblr and saw your posts scattered across the dash and it reminded me that my friends just suck <3 and that there are people out there who understand. Sorry if this message is weird I just wanted you to know the impact your blog and the blogs I've discovered through you have had on me.

This message is not weird at all and I’m glad you sent it! I haven’t heard that song but I’ll have to check it out ❤️

[lusthurts]

fandom is so weird because like 10 years ago i was so entrenched in the glee fandom that it was all i thought about, and i was a teenager but was convinced i had made friends for life in that fandom. i would get home from school and talk to these people from like 3 pm until 5 am then i’d be sneaking out my phone between classes to respond to messages and everything and then one day it all just fizzled out.

and then at the beginning of covid while i was struggling through the transition from in person to online college i connected with a whole new group in the glee fandom and had such a good time, like it was such a great escape from the existential crisis caused by a global pandemic - and i do still talk to some of these people but we’re not facetiming every night anymore or spamming each others phones with glee tangents 24/7, it’s only a rare check in

i guess what i’m saying is i desperately miss the sense of community i used to feel with that fandom because most of my friendships there have fizzled out and now it’s like who do i talk to about glee?? tumblr is just a sound board fr fr

it’s 3:30 am and i should go to sleep.

[cherrycolanpoprocks]

It’s been a minute

Hello everyone. I was going to abandon this account all together because I’m traveling a lot more and overall happier not being fully involved in the GDC. HOWEVER, someone felt the need to speak on me AGAIN and not include the full story on what happened. If you were here last year, then you know. So lets address what happened last year shall we? On Instagram, I called out a group of people who were writing RAPE fanfiction about Billie Joe. For many reasons, this made me and others in the fandom uncomfortable, as those aren’t things you should even be writing about. So, I called them out. Others confided in me their issues with those people, I provided a safe place for them to rant to me and share with me more problematic things they’ve done. That made it to tumblr, this beautiful space where some people get praise where they don’t deserve it. Which leads me to Green Gay. They decided to DOXX ME. Which, someone today said they get their info from Indeed so they don’t view that as doxxing, but the info released about me wasn’t available on Indeed because I didn’t have an Indeed until later in 2022. I was doxxed and harassed for simply stating that RAPE FANFICS shouldn’t exist. They took that as “attacking” their friends. Which, I talked with one of them and we squashed the beef UNTIL i was doxxed. Consider the beef reheated. Let me address their post, step by step, shall we? This was posted on June 8, 2023 btw. A full year AFTER everything happened. The ask read as follows; “craziest moment in gd fandom was when someone got so mad at people writing gd rpf that they sent a link to one to billie (that he never would have seen otherwise) so he would like personally get offended about it but instead he just watched both accounts stories arguing back and forth with each other and didn’t respond in any way” Now lets address the didn’t respond, because he was hearting my stories and continued watching them (i will make a post with these screenshots and time stamps lmao) Now below is Green Gay’s response, lets debunk this because they weren’t even involved and got majority of it wrong since she wants to be a one-sided ass bitch and i’m tired of my mouth being in their fucking mouths.

I don’t care and never cared that Billie was looking through anyone’s stories, what he does is his business. However, I cared that they were writing rape fanfiction about Billie Joe and trying to play it off as he found them attractive, when he was just looking through stories of fans lol. Idk how self-absorded you have to be to think that Billie Joe, a 51 year old man (at the time 50) would be obsessed with you and find you hot when you’re likely the age of his son. (Idk their ages, dont care to know.) ANYWAYS, as we know Billie had deleted his Instagram later on in the year, but my main concern was with yall’s need to sexualize him. Like he isn’t a humanbeing. He see’s alot more than you think (WHICH WAS CONFIRMED TO ME BY HIM IN FEB OF 2023) Billie DID look through my stories then and even way after, hearting one where I talked about how gross it was to sexualize them. Seen below because I come with screenshots.

As seen above, you can see my original story, which had nothing to do with y’alls selfie or him scrolling through your stories. But you can see that’s his account and he heart reacted the message lmao. I did show this proof, which you wouldn’t know because you literally said at the end you only watched 15 seconds of my story. I never said rpf was the devil???? I said writing rape fanfiction and assuming peoples sexualities is weird. YOU have got to be the dumbest motherfucker on this app. I will drag the fuck out of you again, even if you doxx me again or send your damn minions after me. It’s gonna piss you off to know Billie had zero issues with me and literally made his way over to me in Feb to talk with me. Get fucked bro, honestly. I’ll be posting my experience meeting Billie Joe in due time, I just had to let y’all know that these bitches are calling me a lunatic when they’re still foaming at the mouth over something that happened over a year ago and was done and over with. Lets not forget Green Gay’s past with transphobia.