#I’ve become invested to the point that I don’t care if that talk about Taylor or not because I like it so much

[kingofmyborrowedheart]

Imagine telling swifties a year ago that they’d be tuning into a weekly sports podcast to listen to one of the hosts talk about his relationship with Taylor.

[buddiebeginz]

I just caught up to the current episode of 911. Jesus that ending 😭 I’m pretty sure I sat there and stared at the tv for a good five minutes afterwards in shock right along with Buck.

Okay get comfy because this is going to get long. I have a lot of thoughts on  why I think it’s more likely than ever that Buddie will become canon. I’ve seen a lot of fandom talking about why they feel the same and honestly it’s not surprising given the way that shooting scene played out. But I have some other thoughts I haven’t seen talked about yet too.

--

I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not I think Buddie will happen. I want them to get together in canon and I think the show should definitely make it happen and not just because us fans want it to happen either.

Since Eddie arrived the show has continually written Buck and Eddie in a way to say to the audience there’s more going on there. So I don’t think it’s some far fetched idea that so many of us ship them or want to see them end up together. I’ve shipped many characters who I knew were never going to get together in canon but Buddie has always felt different. It’s not just wishful thinking there’s a lot of substance there provided by the writers.

Still more recently I’d kind of lost hope that Buddie was ever going to happen. Throughout season 4 I’ve been wondering if the show was working on pulling Buck and Eddie in different directions. I figured maybe they were just tired of listening to the fans yell about Buddie. I figured it’s why we had been seeing a lot more of Taylor and Ana and why we rarely see Buck and Eddie and Chris spending time together the way we used to in season 3. It had actually been bumming me out a lot because I miss that dynamic in the show.

---

Last night’s episode changed my mind on that though and not just because of the shooting. I was worried at first when I saw that Carla was meeting Ana because I wondered where this was going. Like was the show trying to solidify Ana as a more substantial part of Eddie’s life now? Were they trying to show that she was important enough to start meeting more of the people in Eddie’s life? But I realized after watching that the whole reason Ana was even included in the episode was for Eddie and Carla to have the convo they did.

Eddie and Carla talk about Carla’s dad. Carla says that she was thankful she got to spend time with him (before he died) and she was sorry she left them (Eddie and Chris) Eddie says “you were where you were supposed to be”. When Eddie says that Carla gets this look on her face like she’s considering his words and thinking about the meaning and responds with a line of questioning that gets her to asking Eddie about Ana. Mainly I think because Carla is one of the people who knows Buck and Eddie better than anyone and when Eddie said to her “you were where you were supposed to be” she was likely thinking so how come you’re not where you’re supposed to be with Buck?

Eddie and Carla talk about Chris and how Eddie had been worried about him (after what happened to Shannon) and how happy he is to have Ana around.  Carla presses Eddie about how he feels about Ana and Eddie simply says “it’s easy being with her” (aka he doesn’t have to be emotionally invested). Carla responds and says she’s glad Eddie is moving on but most importantly she tells him “just be sure that you’re following your heart and not Christopher’s”. 

The show easily could have framed this whole scene in a different way if they were planning on making Ana and Eddie into a more significant thing. Eddie could have responded and said he was following his heart being with Ana. The show could have shown Eddie watching Ana and Christopher with a sense of ease and love on his face instead he clearly looked like he was thinking about what Carla said and it was obvious he’d been running from the fact he was only with Ana for Christopher.

----

The other thing that made me feel like Buddie is much more of a certainty and the main thing I wanted to write this for since I haven’t seen anyone else really talking about it is what’s going on with the other couples and how that correlates with Buddie.

911 is obviously an ensemble show so some characters and ships will inevitably get more attention than others still there’s usually some that are the consistent main. For example Hen and Karen they’re a great couple but I wouldn’t necessarily call them a main couple of the show. To me the central canon couple of 911 is Athena and Bobby and second to them I think would be Chim and Maddie at least in season 4 where they’ve had a lot of focus given the baby storyline.

I think we’re headed towards both of these couples being on the rocks. Clearly Athena and Bobby are about to go through some stuff. I’m hoping Bobby doesn’t die but no matter what their marriage is in trouble at this moment. As for Maddie and Chim I think it’s likely that they’re headed for a postpartum depression storyline so that will probably spell some trouble for them too.

My point in all of this is if you watch the ending of the recent episode right after the argument between Athena and Bobby we saw the shooting with Buck and Eddie. In the promo for the next episode the majority of what we see is Buck and Eddie juxtaposed with what’s going on with Athena and Bobby and Chim and Maddie.

TV shows particularly drama ones like 911 ebb and flow and there’s usually some kind of balance. If you have one or more of your main couples in the middle of the worst times chances are you’ll see other couples in the best times. So while Athena and Bobby might be unraveling which hopefully is just temporary) in the midst of this shooting Buddie might be coming together or at least closer to getting there. More on that below. 👇

----

I don’t necessarily think that Buddie will just magically get together in the last episode of season 4. Part of me doesn’t even want that to happen. I think it makes much more sense for things with Buddie to happen gradually. Besides which nothing in tv ever wraps up that neat and tidy anyway. Shows like 911 thrive on drama so if Buddie is going to happen there has to be conflict involved before they get to that point.

My guess is that this shooting will push one of them to recognize their feelings for the other and he’ll want to tell the other one but something will stop him. I think it could be Buck. Like maybe while Eddie is recovering Buck talks to Taylor and finally realizes/admits his feelings for Eddie, to which she says something snarky like she knew that already. She pushes him to go tell Eddie the truth but when Buck goes to the hospital he ends up seeing Ana there and decides not to tell him. Maybe in season 5 we have to watch Buck figuring out his sexuality and dealing with his feelings for Eddie while seeing Eddie with someone else.

911 could also surprise us and it could be Eddie who realizes his feelings for Buck. We had that scene with Carla and Eddie and it’s clear that Eddie is only with Ana for Christopher. We had Carla telling Eddie to follow his heart. When you look at the symbolism of what happened during the shooting Eddie’s blood ended up all over Buck which is like a trail to this heart (albeit a morbid one) not to mention Eddie reached out for Buck when he was on the ground. So Eddie could wake up and realize the truth about his feelings for Buck and want to tell him but be afraid to loose his best friend. Or maybe Eddie is afraid to change anything now that Christopher seems happy again finally.

There could also just be a scene with them in the hospital or maybe Buck comes to stay with Eddie and Christopher to help take care of Eddie and and  it’s clear the atmosphere has changed between them. Like we don’t get anything super serious yet but there’s something more there and they both feel it but aren’t acting on it yet. Maybe Buck tells Eddie how he felt when he saw him get shot maybe Eddie tells him he reached for him. Maybe they both realize they couldn’t bare to loose the other.

Everything that’s happened thus far with Buck and Eddie feels like it’s leading towards something. It definitely feels like something is going to change with them heading into season 5. I feel like they’re going to leave us on some kind of cliffhanger and then drag out whatever happens next season. Which makes sense as it incentives more people to watch. But I’m more optimistic than ever that Buddie will happen now.

---

I do agree with what others have said that there’s no place really for the writers to go now than to put Buck and Eddie together even if it doesn’t happen immediately. The shooting scene was completely framed like Buck watched the man he loved get shot and they were even wearing complimenting colors which is something I’ve seen done often in movies and tv for lovers. They were staring at each other and reaching out. I mean how do you explain that if it doesn’t lead anywhere?

Not to mention the whole thing was done in slow motion and the scene didn’t focus on anyone else besides Eddie and Buck for a few minutes. It even had an almost a freeze frame with the two staring at each other across the street and since there was blood and the ambulance the whole scene was lit up bright red. And apart from everything else red is pretty much universally known as the color for love.

One other thing I forgot to add was that the convo with Eddie and Carla happened in an episode called Suspicion where people are keeping things from the people they love. The mother keeping things from her bridezilla daughter, Bobby and Athena keeping things from each other, Maddie keeping her depression from Chimney, Hen’s mom keeping how sick she was from Hen.

Why would 911 choose this episode in particular to feature all this important Buddie stuff? That important convo with Carla and Eddie where Carla basically tells Eddie she knows he’s not following his heart. That crazy intense moment with the shooting where Buck and Eddie are just staring at each other like soulmates having to watch the person they love die.

Maybe because both Buck and Eddie have things they’re hiding? Things they’re hiding from themselves and things they’re keeping from the person they love the most. Each other.

[daysswiftlycomeandgo]

I've been thinking about how upset some people get about fans shipping non-canon gay or lesbian ships. There are plenty of arguments out there on both sides, some more valid than others. But what I want to talk about is the assumption that someone who ships a same sex couple, only ships same sex couples and that these fans can't enjoy a friendship between two characters of the same sex without wanting it to be romantic.

Now I've been reading fanfiction for close to 2 decades and I've shipped couples across the spectrum of sexuality. And I fall firmly in the camp of: I ship couples that have the most development and it just so happens that most media up to this point has been dictated by white men and thus the characters who get the most development are white males and males in general tend to have more characterization than women.

So as someone who ships same sex couples and also loves a good friendship/found family, I just want to give some examples of different forms of storytelling and how they affect shipping. (This is only from my perspective and I am in no way a professional.)

Now of all the shows I've loved and obsessed over in my life, the two shows that come to mind quickest in terms of quality friendship storytelling are Psych and Scrubs. The center of both of these shows is a friendship between two males and yet the most popular ships of these shows are the heterosexual ones. I would argue this is the case because the shows gave actual storylines to their female characters and gave them lives outside of the male characters. When you have fully fleshed out characters it's way easier to become invested in their relationships.

Let's take a closer look at Psych. We meet Juliet in the second episode of the series, and while the attraction between her and Shawn is obvious, it takes 4 and a half seasons for them to start dating. Throughout the first four seasons there is a much greater focus on Juliet adjusting to a new city and new job and proving herself. We see her build close friendships to Lassiter and Chief Vick as well as Shawn and Gus. Throughout the series we see Shawn change more as a result of his relationships with Gus and Henry than as a way to get Juliet to go out with him. Juliet and Shawn build a mutual respect and love for each other before ever dating. And they have other relationships in their lives that are just as important to them as their romantic one.

Which leads into the friendship between Shawn and Gus which is the most important relationship in the entire show (followed closely by Shawn and Henry). Shawn knows when to push Gus out of his comfort zone and Gus knows when he needs to pull Shawn back. They are open with each other about their jobs, their sex lives, their families, their insecurities, etc. Something interesting to me is that there are multiple scenes in Psych in which Shawn and Gus pretend to be romantic partners when working a case. Usually something like that would be shipping fodder, but Psych treats it as a given, a natural product of their closeness and the situation at hand. There is no gay panic or even an ounce of awkwardness afterwards. The scene happens and they continue on as they always do.

I feel no desire to ship Shawn and Gus because the relationships presented to me are already the best version I can imagine. Shawn and Juliet are great as a couple and I love seeing them together. At the same time Shawn and Gus have the best friendship on tv and I appreciate Psych for giving us that content.

Now compare that to my current obsession: 9-1-1. I very much ship Buck and Eddie together and I truly feel it is a product of the show making their relationship to each other, and to Christopher, as the most significant in their lives. Outside of Abby, and Shannon to an extent, the love interests for Eddie and Buck have been bland. Ali was only around a short time but what do we even know about her? We learn more about her in the earthquake episodes than we do during her entire relationship with Buck. Other than learning she travels for work during her last episode, we know nothing about her and nothing about her and Buck's relationship. Now Taylor is a little better as we learn in her first episode that she has always wanted to be a reporter and that she is willing to do anything to get there. Then in Season 4, we see her friendship with Buck first and get an idea of what they're like together. But we still don't know anything about what's important to her or her values or what she wants in life outside of her job. We see her tear up when talking about Covid but we get no context for why this is effecting her more than other stories. It doesn't feel like we ever really get a reason for why they like way other so much. Which is different from Buck and Abby who connect through their jobs and appreciate someone understanding the difficulty of being a first responder.

As for Ana, what do we know? She was Christopher's teacher and is now a vice principal and is pretty? She has no history, no agency, no motivations outside of wanting to date Eddie. We see her with Chris but not actually interacting with or talking to him. She is a nothing but a stock photo version of a girlfriend.

Compare that to what we see of Eddie and Buck together. Buck going to visit Santa with Eddie and Christopher, actively spending time with Chris, being the person Christopher goes to when he is panicking, taking care of Chris after Eddie has been shot. Buck losing it when Eddie is buried alive and when he's been shot. Eddie losing it when the lawsuit keeps him from being able to talk to Buck. Eddie being Buck's major support during Buck Begins. All of the tiny moments we get of the two, really three, of them at parties and at each other's places. Eddie using Buck's first name as a way to reinforce that Evan is important, not just Buck. That he made him Christopher's legal guardian in case of Eddie's death without even telling him because that's how confident Eddie was in that decision. That Buck doesn't have to sacrifice himself to matter and in fact should never sacrifice himself because that's how much he already does matter.

When a show gives me that much emotional context to characters that we know so much about already, of course I'm going to ship them together rather than with the love interests who are barely even real people within the story.

[spade-riddles]

"Adjusting Expectations" Post

This submission received a lot of responses and 120 notes, so I thought I would compile the comments here.

Anonymous said:

Adjusting expectations anon was so good. If their timetables are right and we do just need to be patient a little longer, can Kaylor please send us a sign? I guess it would be too loud to slip "adjusting expectations" into social media posts, but maybe they could both do something with playing cards? To show they are card sharks right now but they'll find their way home eventually? That would reassure people. And it would fly under the radar.

casuallycruel131313 said:

I agree with a lot of this but I think the main issue right now is that moral and ethical lines have been crossed and there's no coming back from that. In these post-Trumpian insurrectionist times it's unfathomable that they could continue the Kushner narrative I no longer care if or when they come out, I enjoy the music and I'm happy to observe from a distance because I'm interested from a PR/marketing point of view but my opinion of T &K as people has changed irrevocably and I don't see how they can clean the tarnish off.

@theprologues said:

Agree with most of not all if this but I would like to say as a Kaylor the toe Grammy stunt didn’t phase me. I was not crushed by that by any means. I just shrugged and honestly expected it. It was the attributing Betty and exile to him during the LPSS in November that bummed me out and really made me go...really?

rockcrow20 said:

Have to say I also agree with most of this.

I no longer have any expectations on anything changing any time soon and have not been surprised by the recent events its to be expected after everything over the years really

Nothing has really changed (bearding narrative wise) since I fell down the rabbit hole in 2017 (except that great night in nashville 2018 rep)

Honestly I can't say I am as invested anymore about them ever coming out as I was.

I think the wb/Joe thing was the last moment for me and the continual kushner connection just troubles me like many others.

I mean my kaylor motto for awhile now has been hope for the best but expect disappointment.

Low expectations = limited feelings of disappointment.

original-cypher said:

@rockcrow20 the WB was a breaking point for so many. You are absolutely right. There are just so ma'y contradictions that feel like absolute whiplash. (I know I seem to have been the only one experiencing that with Gorgeous but... that was a big one for me, too) But like. You go on a whole PR campaign about speaking up and standing up for yourself. You say you're capable and tired of men trying to take ownership of your success and profit off of your name. And you credit you literal damn work to a bloke? Bitch, 'consistency'? Look it up. It grossed me out. It would have felt iffy if I believed they were real. But since I wasn't born yesterday it just sent me the message "this is how far I'm willing to sacrifice my principles to not be queer".

rockcrow20 said:

@original-cypher exactly why it bothered me and I know alot us so much. Such mixed messaging of being a strong fighting for your rights female and then oh hey let me attribute some of my best work to my pr boyfriend and the pr pics where she is walking behind all the time like 🙄 The Betty thing that was big one for me too!

rainbowdaisy13 said:

This write up and the comments are spot on. I don’t have much to add other than like @original-cypher said, Miss Americana is tainted for me now and seems like at the very least, it was released too soon in the plan. I get we think they have had to pivot but man, that doc, and including her literally saying “gay rights make me me” at the end was such a false flag. To see her wax poetic about not taking shit from men anymore and then see her do the same old hetero weak woman song and dance routine with the WB shit for albums that are of her genius mind has been so disappointing. I still believe Kaylor is real and I hope they get a chance to show the world that. Karlie posting that cardigan pic in the woods before the folklore release cemented for me they are still together. Adding a baby makes me feel all kind of weird ethical things but I hope I live long enough to see it play out and wear my I Told You So shirt 😁

@kellykaylor said:

agree with your post... I dont care about toe stunts but what really pissed me of was hetwashing betty 🤮! beautiful post tho anon!!

roameroo said:

Totally agree with these all comments especially the strong messaging of MA only to turn around & pull that WB = my "bf" crap. I was disheartened by her mentioning him at the Grammy's only bc he's getting credit for sh*t he doesn't/didn't do. That is what irks me the most about this, giving him credit for her life's work.

always-the-last-word said:

Can I throw my pennies in the pool ?? Taylor will put out the big three first Fearless, RED then 1989 that should bring us to about August. This is where the excitement should begin. If Taylor preps and waits for National Coming Out day it's a no lose for her. Lover her money making machine will go through the roof !! If things go bad or good in the public eye she'll have REPUTATION Taylor's Version ready to release. It will be epic and she'll own it and be FREE.

@karlie-what-you-want said:

always-the-last-word I like this take a lot! I try not to be too optimistic but if she wanted to come out sooner rather than later, I think this plan would satisfy both business and PR needs (at least on Taylor’s end). Remains to be seen how Tay will help Karlie dig her way out of the mess they made together regarding the K*shners.

always-the-last-word said:

Always remember that Taylor has a PLAN. Some of her plans are year's old (easter eggs). Taylor's one and only LOVE is her music, everything else comes second. If KK wants to change and be with her full time she'll make moves around the same time frame. That's if she chooses to. In any event Tay will be open and own all her music. I've seen this film before and WE might not like the ending.

chosetherose said:

I’ve been going back and forth for a day trying to figure out what I wanted to say when I reblogged this post. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. I understand I’m owed nothing by Taylor or Karlie. I understand that circumstances out of their control have caused the girls to pivot over and over again.

But, the root of my frustration in the past months stems not from me battling with the trivial (e.g. pap walks, etc.) but with my personal principles. I fiercely believe credit should be given where it is earned and I uphold this in my career regularly. To see Taylor crediting Toe with her art was deeply disappointing. Watch the 1989 and folklore acceptance speeches back to back and tell me it doesn’t upset you. I believe the K******s have blood on their hands and that their actions during the pandemic have killed people. To see Karlie still associating with one of them disgusts me.

I can’t help but think back in frustration - Would you really fall from grace to touch her face? (And in the brilliant words of @9w1ft) But would you die for her in public? I go back and forth feeling like questions like this aren’t fair at all and thinking they are sort of valid. At this point, it sort of feels like Taylor would only fall from grace for her lover if all the stars and facets of her life aligned perfectly. But perfection like this does not happen. Such is life. So why am I here?

I do question why Spade left certain messages in their final days. I am still holding hope a fervent revolution exonerates everyone. I so desperately want Taylor to regain control of her masters or re-records. Maybe this is the plan they thought was best with multiple goals in mind (re-records, having a family, coming out of the closet one day etc). I’m trying to remain patient because Spade told us to trust her endless yearning. But WOW it is asking a lot of us at this point.

Anonymous said:

Despite being a pragmatist kaylor and oftentimes getting into arguments with fellow optimistic kaylors (owner of this blog included) I think it's quite unfair -at this point- to say to the optimists who have patiently sat through the worst kind of stunts with the most terrible kind of people (yes I'm talking about the Kushner's friend group too) that they should have seen it coming. Besides, if it weren't for the optimists we the cynicals would have burned this fandom down by now.

Anonymous said:

Even if we ignore that an insurrection happened partially because of the family karlie's still working for and getting paid from, she literally said before the pregnancy debacle unfolded that j*sh was her last client while talking about cutting hair and doing a cutting gesture. How should we have interpreted that? 😤That a year later she would be more stuck with the Kushners than ever? We don't wake up on day and decide to have unrealistic expectations. She feeds into them. 😠

Anonymous said:

I have no expectation of Taylor coming out anymore. Zero. None. I have no expectation of her dropping Toe or even of Kaylor publicly reuniting. It doesn't even matter that much anymore. But I - do - expect 1 thing. Karlie to drop and completely dissociate herself from the Kushners and this has nothing to do with kaylor. It was everything to do with me being unable to support a person who willfully assists (now using her baby too) and receives money from a family that has made so many suffer.

Anonymous said:

A quick word from an ex-kaylor (who will never become an anti). A year ago, when the Trumps were still in power and untouchable and there was no baby, I was excusing and turning a blind eye to many things Karlie did for the K*shners. Even that dinner in September. I had also made peace with the truth never being revealed. But a year later the Trumps are gone, Karlie is still on full stunting mode now with a baby in the mix, a baby that is already being used by the Kushners, and I've really run out of excuses. Now the only thing that could possibly keep me on board is if I knew there was a good chance that the full truth would come out, so that Karlie's inexplicable and honestly borderline immoral actions could eventually make sense. But as your sub said, this is an unrealistic expectation, thus I became an ex-kaylor and I'm not planning to come back even when they reunite. 😕

Anonymous said:

What baffles me is that Taylor has explicitly expressed her regret about not giving her lover the credit she deserves and her doubt whether fame is worth hiding her true love: "when I walked up to the podium, I think I forgot to say your name", "what's a lifetime of achievement, if I pushed you to the edge". But yet again she didn't do anything to change this. I didn't expect her to acknowledge Karlie, but a nod or at least not falsely crediting her beard would be a good start.

Anonymous said:

1🙁 Let me chime in re: "expectations". I'm one of the kaylors who ever since the pregnancy reveal was trying to tell everyone there's NO way she was gonna dump him soon after birth let alone before that. It would bring too much unnecessary attention and Jerk would have never agreed to something that would make him look like a bad guy/husband. For the exact same reasons, I was also saying there's no way he wasn't going to post about the baby. All the above against the popular opinion back then.

2🙁 So I agree that the day of the birth post was known to T, not the timing though. Simply bc Kushner-leaning outlets made sure to note that detail. If they wanted it to go unnoticed, why draw attention to it? That being said, kaylors would have been more patient with this mess, if Karlie hadn't gone overboard with her freedom "smoke signals" last summer and Tay's "insiders" hadn't been insinuating that the end is VERY near. Both of them SHOULD have known by then how we would react to these.

3🙁 So it's natural that everyone feels played and has no patience for any more bullshit. Another sore point is how Jerk AND the Kushner-Trump klan monopolize the baby news. This isn't just to make it realistic, it's an abuse of Kaylor's baby's name to garner good pr for the worst family in America, with Karlie's blessing. In order for her marriage and split to appear realistic she's putting a LIFETIME burden on her child's back. Unless you believe she's eventually gonna say Jerk isn't the dad.

4🙁 So "we’re in a position we should realistically have been able to see coming". But we did see it coming, that why some made these extreme scenarios, bc this is the worst possible outcome. "Good people try to make it work, even in bad relationships." Ultimately this isn't just a "bad rs". It's a horrific association that should have been resolved ages ago, not one to bring your child into, doom it to suffer a similar fate, and expect people to sit idly and watch. That's what frustrates most.

[brawltogethernow]

How much can you tell about a fan from how much they like Raimi Spidey

Who you are based on your Raimi Spider-Man opinion:

1. The best Spider-Man adaptation! You don’t like new things and don’t adapt to change well. You’re probably an older Millennial or Gen X. You respect an iconic scene and cheesy drama and don’t retract your enjoyment of something when the pressure is on you to do so. You like adaptations of superheroes more than the comics.

2. The most comic-accurate Spider-Man adaptation! You have never read a comic these films were based on. You may have never read any comics. You read or heard this opinion somewhere and are parroting it, and may think you can verify it’s true because you read one Avengers issue from after 2002 where Peter Parker cameos. You have high potential to become a deep comic nerd someday who will be embarrassed you ever said this so watch out for that.

3. Revolutionary for its time, paved the way for later comic book films, pared down the source material out of necessity - respect without enthusiasm You’re a little jaded but you’re trying not to let it get you down. You’ve gained immunity to MCU hype. You were happier before you did, but you can never go back. Analyzing fiction is second nature to you.

4. I just hate them Toby McGuire is consciously on your list of celebrities who could not get it. You turn over interests fast and see disliking things as its own activity, a dark mirror of fandom. You have strong negative opinions of properties you have not personally checked out and you’re happy that way because dissing stuff with people makes for good conversation.

5. Must a movie be “good” to like it? Is it not enough to have colors moving on the screen very fast. I respect you. You’re the better timeline version of the first category. Self aware and witty, a little insecure.

6. They’re bad because [thirty minute list of flaws] Wow you’ve thought about these movies a lot. You like review and analysis series like CinemaSins. (You may have a flaw list for CinemaSins specifically: It’s just an example.) Possibly an aspiring writer. You’re very plugged into pop culture and it doesn’t really occur to you to avoid media just because you don’t think it’s good.

7. I liked the first two when they were newer but they didn’t age well. Your persona is very go with the flow, not very opinionated. You consume media casually. In school you liked whatever bands your classmates did.

8. I have a soft spot for them but the effects are bad. You like MCU Spidey. You overestimate how empathetic and discerning you are. You don’t judge quickly but you do judge heavily.

9. I can’t hear you there’s only room for one Spider-Man movie in my brain WHAT’S UP, DANGER?

10. The third one ruined the whole trilogy! THAT’S what ruined it for you? You’re not wrong but your taste is unreliable.

11. I love [ship]! You’re very resilient. The weird kid. You glom onto stuff you like and don’t let go. Natural resilience to acting because of peer pressure, though you can take emotional hits from it. Probably internet friends with the three other people as deeply invested in this version of this ship as you are. Excitable in both positive and negative senses. You still use ff.net a lot. Above average vintage and otherwise lesser known comic knowledge but your attention is divided. The rare media targeting you is the 2017 cartoon if you’re a Parksborn and the Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane comic series if you’re a PeterMJ.

12. Uh I saw one or two in theaters? I don’t really remember them. You only read this list this far down because you like seeing people discuss their pet topics regardless of whether you understand them. May have to hit up a search engine to be sure what “Raimi” is.

13. Directly responsible for a lot of bad 616 trends, weird storylines, and character assassination. You’re a dyed in the wool comics nerd. Don’t get so mad you forget why you even like superhero comics. Go drink some water. You pirate media because capitalism can’t sustain how much you read.

14. Directly responsible for a lot of great 616 storylines!!!! Also a dyed in the wool comics nerd but all your favorite storylines are in the early aughts (and maybe late nineties), which was a formative time of your life. You like dropping niche comic trivia as talking points, also from this era. You not only actually go to comic shops but also have a pull list. Pour one out for the Ultimateverse amirite?

15. Peter sure turned into a giant spider and gave birth to himself because of this movie lmfao. You embrace the humor and weirdness in situations to stay sane. You know weird history or science facts and like to pepper them into conversation. Your ideal history rant is arranged to be reminiscent of that meme with the guy knocking over a giant domino with a row of successively smaller dominos. You feel the most enjoyable parts of comic community are online. You might be on Twitter. You could beat the above category in a trivia-off but would probably flub the execution due to being put off by them. You vibe with nihilism memes but you care just under the surface.

16. My blurry half-remembered impression of them isn’t negative You’re nice. You like cute desserts. I feel like you had an anime phase and go to cons.

17. Garfield Spider-Man sucks!!!!!! That’s not actually a Raimi opinion but you think it is. Low humor is just humor to you and you don’t see that as a problem.

18. I’ve been waiting for you to PRAISE the Amazing movies actually? You like Taylor Swift and would be super down for it if Kindred turned out to be Gwen Stacy. You’ve been screaming for years. You don’t like the Raimi films but don’t have time to get down on them while defending your own maligned property. You know Fant4stic was objectively not great but you’ll defend it. Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield live in your head rent free. You like to curl up and watch some good looking people having a tragic romance okay.

19. Spider-Man 3 is a cinematic masterpiece. You like shock humor and stoke attention from internet trolls on purpose. You discern your own opinions and don’t give a damn about anybody else’s.

20. I’m very two cakes meme about Spider-Man content! Raimi good! MCU good! Webb good! All the cartoons are good! I see a red mask and a thwip and I riot. A pure soul. I don’t understand you, but that doesn’t reflect well on me.

[thefanficmonster]

Late Nights

Andrew (The Dark Pictures Anthology: Little Hope) x Reader (Female)

Warnings: Swearing

Genre: Fluff, a bit of Angst

Summary: Late nights are famously accompanied by deep conversations. The type to keep you up like a full dose of caffeine. Those are the best, most relaxing and freeing conversations you’ll ever experience. Good thing Andrew and Y/N are the perfect company for each other when it comes to those exact talks.

Requested by Anon. Hello! I’m sorry there is no specifications on your request. You requested for some Andrew x Reader fluff and this idea immediately dawned on me haha. I hope you like it and I’m so terribly sorry for the wait. Hopefully the final product makes it worth your while. Looking forward to hearing your feedback and receiving any other requests you may have! Love, Vy ❤

A random notification sounds from my phone, scaring me out of my peaceful, dreamless slumber. Oh wait, I’m not in my bed. I’m sitting at my desk, surrounded with sheets of paper with notes I’m supposed to memorize by my 8 AM exam. Speaking of that exam, it’s in less than five hours. I’ve been studying for what feels like days, but my head still feels as empty as it was at the start of the semester. The way I see it, I have two options: I can either die from a caffeine overdose or from the heart attack this exam will cause me. No in-between and no other options. Just death. Maybe not in the literal sense, but if you ask me, burn-out should be considered death and that’s exactly what I feel right now. And the fucking exam hasn’t even happened yet, for fuck’s sake! 

I lift my head to look at the clock on the wall and instantly get dizzy. Thankfully, I’m still seated. Damn, this calls for more caffeine.

“Hey T, can you -“ I look behind me in search of my roommate who’s supposed to be pulling this all-nighter with me. Needless to say, she has perished. 

I already have an idea of where she might be, but the sticky note she has left on my dresser confirms it.

~ Daniel has more notes. Come to the floor lounge 

Oh, hell no. I am not that committed to passing this exam. I am not about to be a third-wheel for five hours and feel miserable afterwards. Correction: More miserable than I’m already going to feel. Good thing there are two staircases on either side of the floor so I don’t have to pass through the lounge in order to get to the dining hall. That’s the only place I could obtain coffee and if I don’t I might just die right here on this desk.

I put my slippers on, throwing a jacket over my pajamas as well. It’s January and the dorms could not be colder. I swear to God, they are trying to build our immunity and resistance to cold one freezing night at a time. The heating doesn’t do much even if it’s on, which is a rare occurrence considering it’s faulty and doesn’t work 80% of the time.  I leave the dorm, quietly shutting and locking the door behind me before taking the right hallway instead of the left. I wander around the dimly lit hallways, some of which don’t have lighting at all, my arms folded over my chest in a pointless attempt to bring myself more warmth than the jacket is able to provide me. No matter what I do, I can’t get rid of the intense shaking that started from my torso and has now spread as far as my bottom jaw.

I navigate the halls, mumbling curse words to myself while doing so. Having taken the long way, I have an extra two minutes or so of freezing before I can find myself in the warm and cozy dorm. Taylor and I bought a small heater for Christmas cause we were not having it with the shitty heating system. Must say, that’s a better investment than all the money I threw to be here.

The dining hall is dark as usual. The only lights are the exit sign and some small lights on the vending machines. And the glorious coffee machine! I can just imagine myself turning into a heart-eyed emoji looking at it. 

“All-nighter?“

The voice is so sudden and so out of place, it startles me to the point of letting out a half-scream and immediately backing away towards the entrance of the dining hall. 

“Hey, it’s ok. It’s me.“ A light appears at one of the tables, illuminating the person holding it.

I sigh in relief when I finally get a good look at the person opposite me. It’s Andrew - a classmate and friend of mine. We have creative writing together and a few other classes. We’re in the same friend group as well. I started hanging out with him more through Taylor’s boyfriend Daniel who’s roommates with him. I’m glad I met them both, they are really fun to be around. However, recently, Andrew hasn’t been himself. It might be a stretch, but I think it’s because of the upcoming field trip our creative writing professor John has organized. I have tried asking him what has been bothering him but he always brushes off my concerns by claiming nothing’s wrong.

“Jeez, Andrew. You scared me half to death.“ I place a hand over my racing heart, taking a deep breath to calm myself down, “You’re lucky I didn’t chuck anything at you.“

He has the audacity to laugh. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out.” He puts his phone on the table, flashlight facing up at the ceiling, “What are you doing here, anyway?”

I return to my previous task, “Getting coffee, can’t do without it. What about you? Do you just hang out here, waiting for student-zombies to scare?” I get my four cups of coffee, balancing them in a very risky way to where he’s sitting. “Want one?”

His eyes widen, “These are all for you?” I nod, “And they are all just straight espressos?” I nod again, “Are you trying to kill yourself?”

I scoff, “That’s plan B. For now, I’m just trying to stay awake.” I knock back one of the cups, trying hard not to cringe at the unpleasant flavor due to the lack of sugar. “You didn’t answer my question.” I say after getting over the initial battle to get the coffee down without puking.

He hesitates, rhythmically tapping his fingers on the tabletop. I can tell he has spaced out, leaving me unsure of weather I should nudge him again or let him return to reality at his own time.

“I, uh....I had a nightmare.“ He says despite his eyes still carrying that thousand yard stare. “Daniel wasn’t there, and I didn’t want to stay alone in the dorm, so I came here. A lot more open. Not so suffocating.“

I frown, “What was the nightmare like?” I don’t try to hide my concern, there is no reason to do so. I want him to know I care, that I am and I always will be there for him. Even if it’s just as a friend, I will take what I can get. This is not the time to be thinking of anything more than being a good friend and helping Andrew.

He shrugs, his eyes slowly lifting to meet mine. Unfortunately, it doesn’t last cause he shakes his head, breaking eye-contact again, “You’ll think it’s ridiculous.“

I put my hand on top of his, stopping the repetitive tapping of his fingers. This causes him to reconnect our gazes. After a two second confirmation that he won’t look away, I speak up, “You could tell me elves chased you around with axes and I still wouldn’t say that, Andrew. Come on, talk to me.”

He sighs, nodding his head. I take this as a positive sign and give him an encouraging smile. Instinctively, I start withdrawing my hand as I lean back in my seat. To my surprise, he turns his hand, taking a hold of mine when he begins to speak.

“They started a week ago, when John told us about the trip to Little Hope.“ he still hesitates, but I still consider it progress. “It’s always one of two nightmares - it’s either a housefire which non of us survive or...I can’t even explain the other one.“

I give his hand a comforting squeeze, “Take your time. I know it’s tough.”

“Um, we are at this ruin of a house and we, well, you guys get attacked by these deformed, demonic monstrosities. I can’t get to you. I can’t save you. Darkness takes over my brain and all I hear is horrified screams and calls for help. And then I wake up. Terrified.“ 

I am terrified just picturing it, let alone experiencing it. I’d probably sob like a baby and refuse to go to sleep ever again. “That’s horrible, Andrew. I’m so sorry you have to go through that.” I pause for a second, “Little Hope is a place with terrible history, I can’t blame you for being so hesitant about going. I’m a sucker for these types of places, but I completely understand your angle.”

He chuckles, “Yeah, I believe I overheard you saying you’d like to visit Centralia.“

I can’t help but smile, “Oh, I’d love to.”

Suddenly, completely out of the blue, he gets a spark in his eye. He becomes livelier, almost like new life was breathed into him. Pushing back his chair, he stands up and takes the remainder of coffee cups. “Well, that’s not gonna happen if you kill yourself.” Without batting an eye at my baffled expression, he throws the cups in the trashcan near by. “Let me help you with the studying. Two work better than one, after all. I’m sure you’ll grasp everything better if you have an actual person explaining it to you. Also, I’d like to make up for the time you wasted here with me.”

I get up as well, “No need, seriously. I can figure it out. Apart from feeling so energized I could run a marathon, my brain is working a lot better now. You go try to catch some z’s.” I wave my hand dismissively but he catches it mid-motion, mumbling a quick ‘come on’ before leading me out of the dining hall and towards the staircase I took earlier.

                                                           *  *  *

It’s been about two days since that night and history is over here repeating itself. I am, once again, pulling an all-nighter, this time alone because no one else from my friend group shares this class with me. You’d think I would have learned my lesson and would start studying at a reasonable time, granting myself both peace of mind and a better functioning brain, but NOPE. Actually, I’m beginning to think I can’t study at any other time of day. The late nights/early mornings give me the best atmosphere. Those hours before dawn are the quietest I’ve ever had the chance to experience - for studying and just chilling on the roof of the dorms. The dining hall is still a place I frequent. I can’t help but hope to run into Andrew every time I walk in that big, eerie room. I haven’t been so lucky, though. We got the results of our last exam today and I was, and still am overjoyed for the grade I got. Not only was it a passing one, it was a SOLID passing one. I can swear, if it wasn’t for Andrew’s help, I would’ve failed it with the lowest score in the class.

“How does this work...?“ I mumble in frustration, reading through the poorly written notes I’ve made. Full disclosure - this is my nap class. This is the class I spend spacing out and - as its title suggests - taking naps. I am surprised I have as many notes as I do. 

Taylor, being the great friend she is, refused to budge from our dorm, determined to help me in any way she could. I appreciate the gesture, don’t get me wrong, but having another person would defeat the purpose of being up this late, so I talked her into sticking to her original plan - hanging out with Andrew and Daniel at their dorm while I fry my brain cells.

Just as I’m about to take a sip of my third coffee for the night, my phone starts ringing. I look at the phone screen that’s displaying Andrew’s name and straighten up in my chair, ready to launch myself out the door in case he needs my help. Screw the exam.

“Hello? You ok? What’s wrong?“ I blabber into the phone after picking up the call

“Hey, sorry for bothering you. Hope I didn’t wake you up. Um, I had another nightmare....never mind. Sorry for calling.“ His voice is shaky and hesitant, almost as if he’s speaking with zero air in his lungs.

My concern shoots through the roof, “Don’t you ‘never mind’ me! And don’t apologize! Meet me in the dining hall in five minutes.” I jump to my feet, pulling my jacket on with my unoccupied arm.

He sighs, “I’m already there.“

I nod distractedly, momentarily forgetting that he can’t see me, before leaving the dorm. I power walk the familiar hallways, the only reason I’m not running being the late hour and the trouble I’d get in for the noise.

I stop right outside the dining hall doors, giving myself five seconds to compose myself so I won’t look absolutely unhinged when I walk in. I get that it’s pointless, considering I have massive bags under my soulless eyes, but a girl can try.

Pushing the door open, I am met with small, flickering dots of light hovering over one of the tables. The outline of Andrew’s silhouette is also visible, but nothing more. It takes me a second to realize the lights I was looking at were three small candles.

“Andrew?“ I whisper-call his name while I’m still at a distance of about ten feet, cautious not to freak him out by approaching without making my presence known.

As I near the table, the candle-light illuminates his face enough for me to be able to see that he doesn’t look at all like what he sounded like over the phone. Something about his gaze when his eyes meet mine screams ‘I’m so glad you’re here’, but then again, that might be wishful thinking. Apart from that, he looks rather normal - not like someone who just had the most horrific of nightmares. Actually, I think I can see a hint of a smile forming at the corners of his lips.

“Hey Y/N.“ He greets me, “Ready to study?“ He points to the several notebooks and sheets of paper neatly stacked on the table. Next to that pile is a similar one of snacks. 

My eyes widen, “Wait, what? What is this?“ I narrow my eyes at him, “Is this your way of dealing with the nightmares or something? It’s completely ok if it is, don’t get me wrong...“

He shakes his head, the smile now fully formed on his face, “No, Y/N. I actually haven’t had a nightmare since that night you found me here. This...” he motions to the table, “...is several things. First of all, a celebration for your passed exam. Second, a thank you - cause I believe you’re the reason the nightmares stopped. I just needed to talk to someone about them and you were the only person I could do that with properly. And third, I know you have an exam in a few hours, so I wanted to help. We make great study-buddies, don’t you agree?”

I’m honestly speechless, “You schemer.” I’m smiling and blushing like crazy and I couldn’t be happier to be surrounded by darkness at this moment. “How did you even get these notes? You’re not in that class.”

He gives me a conspiring smirk, “That’s classified info.” He hands me a coke can, “No more coffee for you tonight.”

“You interrupted me on my third cup, but better late than never I guess.“ I giggle taking the handed soda and taking a seat on the chair opposite him. “Thank you so much, Andrew. Really, it means a lot to me. How am I supposed to repay you for this?“ I can tell he’s about to protest so I hurry to stop him, “No, no, no. You can’t change my mind on that.“

He sighs in defeat I can only guess is fake, taking the smirk on his face into consideration. He contemplates whatever’s on his mind for a second, buying himself time while he opens a soda can for himself. I copy his action, opening mine as well. “Um, well, there is one way I can think of....” he trails off, avoiding eye-contact. The brief moment I manage to catch his gaze I give him a nod, encouraging him to go on. “How about calling this a date?”

I am shocked. No, ‘pleasantly surprised’ is a better term to use. ‘Overjoyed’ an even better one. 

The blush I thought couldn’t get any darker or more wide-spread just proved me wrong. Despite the chilliness of the dining hall, my face, neck and ears are on fire. Once again, a big thank you goes to the darkness that surrounds us.

Instead of showing off how surprised and happy I am, I lift my soda can in the air, “It’s a date then.”

His smirk turns into a relieved smile as he takes his can, clinking it against mine, “It’s a date.”

@sparrow-gg  @artlovingbre  @chairtiger

[iamafxsh]

week 3 - w/c feb 8th

february 14th 2021

*contains some wild spoilers for WandaVision*

I think part of it comes from being ignorant of these things when I was very young and being much more aware of them now, and I think some of it comes from being white but marginalised in things like sexuality, but sometimes I struggle with knowing that something is wrong but also liking the content and so putting that wrong part aside so I can continue enjoying it, and it’s a problem.

A current example is WandaVision, Marvel and the casting of Elizabeth Olsen as Wanda Maximoff in the MCU. Her first appearance was an end credit scene in The Winter Soldier (2014) but she made her full debut in Age of Ultron (2015) the following year. At that time, I was young and unaware of much of the wide problems that have since become much more important to me now as an adult. Though I knew Wanda was of Sokovia, though fictional, but I didn’t know she was Roma or, though Magneto, was Jewish. I’m focusing on these point because Olsen is a white actor, and I think know you see what I was talking about to begin with.

I don’t like that she was cast, not because I don’t like her or her as Maximoff - I’ll talk further on this, bare with me - but because she shouldn’t have been cast to begin with.

I think, for me, I was so young when she was cast and I knew nothing about the character at the time, that I didn’t see an issue because I didn’t know there was an issue. Older as I am now, I can see why it’s wrong and I understand that. Having not know back then, I’ve grown attached to the image of Olsen as Maximoff, and to me, when I think of on-screen Wanda Maximoff, it’s her I think of. I wish it was easy for me to just cut of that connection and for me to easily stop being invested in the character and other around her - Vision and the twins from WandaVis - but it’s unfortunately not that simple for me, and I’ll talk about this further also.

It’s further of course by Olsen using a slur to talk about the character of Maximoff, which she’s already whitewashing. It would be one thing for it to be a mistake, for her to apologise and to attempt to educate herself, but that it’s the case. Olsen is aware, and had been aware for many years, that the word she is using to describe Maximoff is a slur. She knows and still continued to use it, and that’s not right. It also, despite being horribly offensive, shows that she knows her casting is whitewashing a POC character. And it’s upsetting to know that she just doesn’t seem to care about being educated on these matters.

When she was first cast, I never knew Maximoff was Roma, but now I do. It’s not difficult because I can’t identify what’s wrong, I know exactly what’s wrong, it’s more to do with cutting those emotional ties to that visual representation of the character.

Writing this, it’s also important to acknowledge that, though there may be discord around this subject, there is significantly less complaints, as I’ve seen, on the casting of Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Evan Peters as Pietro Maximoff. I’m not quite sure why that is, and honestly I wish I knew. Taylor-Johnson was only in the one film, and Evan Peters was brought in from the Fox Acquisition in which Peter Maximoff was distinctly more American, so that likely has something to do with it, as well as the fact that, to my knowledge, neither of them have used any slurs to describe their character.

Maybe I made this more personal than it needed to be. I couldn’t easily just summed up my finding, but I think it’s important to acknowledge how I’m viewing this situation and how that viewpoint is skewed by the fact that I’m white. I don’t like that white actors were cast to play POC roles, but at the time I didn’t know and therefore my image of these characters are these actors. That’s not fair to the characters origins or to Romani people, and it’s something I’m working on. But I also enjoy WandaVision.

Honestly, things are complicated in life in general, but I think it’s important to stay educated on these matters, at least it is for me.

[just-my-sickly-pride]

Problem-Solver || Roger Taylor x fem!Reader & Brian May x fem!Reader

summary || you thought that brian and roger would be able to share, but their jealousy starts to get the better of them. maybe having a friends-with-benefits arrangement with two guys who live in the same house was a bad idea.

rating || some heavily implied sexual content, but that’s all. plenty of talking about feelings, though.

word count || 4.7k

author’s notes || and finally, another instalment in the try series! although this can be read on its own. i do a lot of changing and shifting with timeline stuff as i edit, so if there’s so discrepancies in that regard, please let me know! it’s hard to keep track of it. this instalment is more of an exposition-y thing, but i liked writing it, and it needs to be posted for the upcoming instalments to make sense.

masterlist

     “You’re what?”

    You took a sip of wine, nodding. “Yeah.”

    Veronica stared at you with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. Then she laughed, a high-pitched, disbelieving laugh. “You’re sleeping with both of them.”

    “Yep.”

    “Brian and Roger.”

    “Uh-huh.”

    Veronica laughed again. “I– How? I mean, I know how you and Brian… Well, I know that you and Brian were – doing that, but I found that out from Roger. Who told everyone because he was making fun of you.”

    You hummed in thought, taking another sip of wine. “As if turns out, Roger was making fun of us because he was jealous.”

    “And how on Earth did you find that out?”

    “I slept with him.”

    Veronica made a strangled sound of surprise, and then leant back on the couch, shaking her head. “I am… shocked. Absolutely shocked.”

    “Are you, though?” you said.

    Veronica’s eyes went even wider. “Yes, I’m shocked! You’re casually sleeping with two of your friends. Who live together.”

    “That’s not that weird, is it?”

    “It’s fairly unusual, yeah!” Veronica sighed heavily, and gulped her wine. You waited in silence, letting her process it. 

    She looked to you. “Do they know about it?”

    “Does who know about it?”

    “Does Brian know that you have this thing with Roger, and vice versa?”

    “Oh, yeah, of course,” you said with a shrug. “It’d be ridiculous to try to hide it from them. Schedule clashes, y’know? Couldn’t exactly hide why I’m over at their place from the other person either. And anyway, the way I wound up sleeping with Roger in the first place is because Brian and I decided that I should try to. To find out if he… was jealous or not.”

    “Blimey,” Veronica muttered into her wine, shaking her head. “Honestly, I find one boy is enough to keep me busy. I can’t imagine two.”

    “Yeah, but Deaky’s your boyfriend, that’s different,” you said. “There isn’t that extra emotional stuff. I don’t have to worry about date night or meeting the parents or anything like that. It’s just casual sex.”

    “How do you even have the time?”

    “I figure it out somehow. And Brian and I do some of the same subjects, so he helps me study.” Not that all of those study sessions wind up being that productive, you thought to yourself with a smile.

    “Well, is it going all right, then?” Veronica asked. “They’re not fighting over you?”

    You sighed. “Uh… For the two weeks, it was fine, no problems. A bit of negotiation around who I see and when, but it settled down well enough by the second week. Then after that, things started getting a little… I don’t know.”

    “Wait, how long has this been going on for?” Veronica interjected.

    “Me and Brian?” you said. “About, um, almost six months? And Roger, a month-ish. Just under.”

    “And you’re only just telling me?”

    You pouted. “Yes, I know, I’m sorry.”

    Veronica tutted. “Okay, well, go on.”

    “They’re not… fighting over me,” you said. “It’s not that, like, territorial. Ugh. It’s more like they’re – I dunno – unsure? Like they don’t know how to deal with everything? I don’t know if they talk about any of it in private, but right now, when the three of us are in the same room together, even if other people are there, it feels like there’s this big, huge elephant in the room. I don’t expect them to talk about it or anything, but I’m just hoping it doesn’t become a bigger problem. I’m more than happy to discuss whatever they like, and we do these check-ins where we ask each other how we’re doing, like, emotionally and stuff, which Roger took some getting used to, honestly, but it’s always only in relation to each other and the friends-with-benefits arrangement. Not with anything else, you know? So Brian’s name wouldn’t come up in a check-in with Roger, for instance, because it’s more about what’s between me and Roger in that moment. Yeah?”

    “Yeah,” Veronica said slowly. “But what if Brian’s this sort of unspoken thing between you, and Roger just hasn’t said anything? Or the other way around?”

    You frowned. “Usually we’re all pretty good with check-ins. I’ve never had reason to doubt their honesty before.”

    “It’s not being dishonest, necessarily,” Veronica said. “Just… I don’t know. I’d be wary if the tension between them got any worse. Just be careful, okay?”

    “I am being careful,” you said.

    Veronica chewed on her bottom lip, staring at you with a mixture of caution and curiosity.

    “What?” you said.

    “Roger said that you, um… you and Brian – the whole ‘Daddy’ thing? Is that really true?”

    “Ah,” you said, setting down your glass. “Well, um…”

    “You don’t have to tell me,” Veronica said quickly. “It’s just curiosity.”

    You sighed. “Um, no, it’s true. It’s a little more complicated than that, but, uh, yeah, we do that sometimes.” You hesitated, and then added with a cheeky smile, “Turns out Roger was pretty jealous of that, too.”

    “Oh my fucking…” Veronica said. She laughed. “You astound me.”

    “Oh, why, thank you,” you said, picking up your glass again to gesture to her in thanks. “But this stays between you and me, all right? Don’t tell John about any of this. God forbid the boys find out that I’ve been gossiping about them behind their backs, and then they’ll be asking all these dumb questions like, ‘Did you tell her how big my dick is?’, ‘Did she tell you any whack, freaky shit about Deaky?’”

    Veronica snorted. “No. John and I have tried a few things here and there, but I’m sure we’re as tame as can be in comparison to whatever wild shit you three get up to.”

    “‘You three’,” you scoffed. “You make it sound like we’re all sleeping together at the same time. That is not happening.”

    Veronica quirked an eyebrow. “Isn’t it?”

    It was moments like these that you could see why she and John were such a good match. “It isn’t, thank you, you snide cow,” you said, and Veronica giggled.

    “Oh, we’ll see,” she said.

    “Fuck off!” You shoved at her, and she cackled. “As if Brian and Roger would ever willingly see each other naked.”

    “That’s your only barrier?” Veronica said. “Not the whole try-to-handle-two-guys-at-once thing? The fact that you don’t think they’d be down for it?”

    You scoffed at her, pushing her knee, more lightly than before. “Stop twisting my words.”

    “You still haven’t denied it.”

    “Ronnie!” you exclaimed indignantly.

    “Say no! Look me in the eye and say you’ve never thought about it.”

    “Get fucked.”

    “You can’t. You can’t do it. You’ve so thought about it.”

    You opened and closed your mouth a few times, and then, far too belatedly, said, “I have not.”

    Veronica grinned at you. “And have you mentioned it to either Brian or Roger that this is on your mind?”

    You gave her a look. “No! Of course I haven’t, are you mad?”

    “It’s a fair question.”

    You shook your head. “You’re unbelievable.”

    “Me?” Veronica cried. “You’re the one with this whole… business!”

    You clicked your tongue at her. “Can we drop this now?”

    “You brought it up.”

    “And now I’m ending it.”

    Veronica rolled her eyes. “You’re so dramatic.”

    You raised your eyebrows at her. “Yeah, well, what are you gonna do about it?”

    She laughed, and curled her legs up against her chest. “Okay, gosh, message received. Can we watch this stupid movie now?”

    “Yes, please,” you said, leaning forward and pressing the space bar on your laptop. The Kissing Booth began to play.

    A few nights later, you had a small get-together at your place, just with Veronica, the boys, and a couple of uni friends. You didn’t want to say you’d jinxed anything in your conversation with Veronica, but it was hard not to think it when you noticed Roger and Brian getting increasingly testy with each other as the night went on. Every time you were alone for more than two seconds with one of them, the other would find an excuse to barge in. You weren’t even looking to hook up tonight, and they both knew it, but apparently, having a one-on-one conversation was too much to bear.

    It was royally pissing you off.

    Your other guests started to notice, too – especially Veronica, who kept giving you smug, knowing looks, which weren’t helping your increasingly sour mood.

    But you let it slide for tonight. It wasn’t unusual for Brian and Roger to bicker, and, although you did seem to be the root cause of their fighting, you decided to give them the benefit of the doubt, just this once.

    The next week, it was your night with Roger. Wednesday nights were Veronica and John’s date night, Freddie had a class that went late and he always went to the pub with his classmates afterwards, and Brian had a study session. So you and Roger made use of the empty house, making out on the couch. Neither of you were in a hurry to escalate things at this point – Roger seemed far more invested in trying to find your most ticklish spot with his tongue, making you laugh.

    “Oh, wait,” he gasped. “Can you lie down?”

    “Flat?” you said, shifting into position, Roger standing up to give you room.

    “Yeah. Like that.”

    You gave him a look. “Okay. And?”

    “I knew a girl once who had a really weird thing…” He held your hip, and began curiously prodding the flesh around your hipbone with his thumb.

    “What weird thing?”

    “She was really ticklish, like, here?” He pressed his thumb hard into you, and you yelped far too loudly, batting his arm away.

    Roger laughed. “You’re ticklish there too!”

    “I – I never knew,” you said, laughing, but deeply confused. “Wait, do it again.”

    He did, and, sure enough, your nerves went wild, and you squeaked. “Oh, whoa,” you said, looking down at your hip with wide eyes. “That’s so weird.”

    “I know, right?” Roger said. He grinned, waggling his eyebrows, and knelt on the couch, slotting his knee between your thighs. “Can crack that one open later.”

    “Sure, if you want to take me completely out of the mood,” you said dryly.

    “Tickling can be sexy, can’t it?”

    “Not to me. Why, do you find it sexy?”

    “If I can watch you and another equally hot woman to tickle each other while in your underwear, sure.”

    You slapped his thigh. “Arsehole.”

    “I’m joking, I’m joking,” Roger said. “I don’t mind it sometimes, but I can’t say it really gets me going, personally.”

    “So we agree.”

    Roger hummed, and lent forward, hovering above you, the conversation clearly already forgotten. “Do you ever get tied to the bed?”

    “Yeah, all the time.”

    “And we haven’t tried it yet?” Roger shook his head. “Despicable.”

    “Have you ever been tied to the bed?”

    Roger’s eyes went dark, and he sucked in a breath. “No.”

    You bit your lip, slipping your hands under his shirt. “Well.”

    Roger hummed again, a thoughtful noise, and leant down to kiss you softly.

    You were just getting lost in the kiss when there was the sound of keys in the door. You and Roger barely had time to react, scrambling away from each other, when the door slammed open, and Brian strode in.

    “Oh,” he said, far too casually for how aggressively he’d opened the door. “Hey, guys.”

    You sighed in relief. You didn’t really ever want to get caught in a situation where you’d have to explain your arrangements to Freddie or John. That being said, you weren’t all too pleased about interrupted, either.

    Brian gestured vaguely between the two of you. “Forgot you two, uh… Forgot it was your night.” He closed the door firmly behind him, and tossed his keys onto the kitchen table. They clattered against the wood.

    Roger cleared his throat. “Well, yeah, it’s our night, so.”

    “Yep.”

    “So you’re heading out again soon, I assume.”

    “Uh.” Brian cocked his head, thinking. “Mm, nope, don’t think so.” He seemed a little out of breath, like he’d hurried home.

    “Well, that’s fine with me,” Roger said sharply, reaching for you. “We’ll just continue where we left off. You don’t mind, Brian, do you?”

    “Rog,” you said lowly. “Let’s go to your room, yeah?”

    Roger seemed all too happy to give you his attention, although it seemed a little too attentive to be entirely natural. “Sure, sweetheart, whatever you like.”

    You both got to your feet, and Roger took your hand and started leading you to his room.

    You could feel Brian’s heavy gaze on the both of you, but, luckily, he stayed silent.

    On Friday, it was your night with Brian. You should have guessed that a similar event would have happened as on Wednesday, but it didn’t occur to you until Roger kicked the door open, his arms loaded with a twenty-four pack of beer. “Hey guys,” he said amicably. “Sorry, I assumed you’d be in Brian’s room by now. Taking your time tonight, are we, Brian?”

    As it was, you and Brian were sitting on the couch, just chatting. You liked to play with Brian’s hands on nights like these, liked to see Brian’s eyes drink in your face. Liked to let the tension build.

    But the tension was gone now, like a burst balloon.

    A dark cloud swept over Brian’s face. “Fuck off, will you?” he said to Roger.

    “Just making conversation, mate.” Roger set the case down on the table. “Either of you want a beer?”

    Brian sighed, and turned to Roger. “Can you just bloody leave us alone?”

    Roger raised his eyebrows. “Oh, sorry, it’s all right when you do it…”

    “I’ll have a beer,” you cut in sharply.

    Brian gave you a quizzical look, and it gave you an idea.

    Maybe it was time to nip this whole stupid thing in the bud. “Actually, Roger, why don’t you join us?” you said.

    Roger paused, taken aback. “Huh?”

    “What are you doing?” Brian whispered.

    “Yeah, come on,” you said, waving Roger over. “Grab us a couple beers.”

    Roger’s gaze flicked between you and Brian, and then he said, “Um. Ye– All right, yeah.” He tore open the case and grabbed three cans.

    He sat down on the single couch, and handed out the beers.

    You cracked yours open and took a big gulp. “Cheers,” you said, licking your lips. Your heart was hammering away with nerves – you didn’t quite know why you were so nervous, but perhaps it was the prospect of a big argument breaking out – and you took another drink to calm yourself.

    Neither Brian nor Roger had opened their drinks, staring at you unsurely.

    “Well, go on, then,” you urged them, and, mechanically, they both opened their beers and started drinking.

    “So,” you said with a contented sigh, “how was your day, Rog?”

    The boys slowly warmed up to the idea of just sitting and having a drink and a chat. You could still feel Brian’s frowns on your face – he probably felt a little cheated out of the evening that he’d pictured – but you were able to ignore it well enough.

    The beer helped lubricate the conversation.

    After an hour, you wondered if you could genuinely get away with avoiding a big talk about everything. Maybe Roger and Brian were fine. They seemed to be getting along perfectly well now. Maybe they’d just been having a rough time, or maybe they’d been in disagreement about something else and that was leaking into their arrangements with you, maybe–

    “So what kind of stuff have you two done?” Roger said, gesturing between you and Brian with his beer. “Y’know, the weird freaky shit?”

    You swallowed an exasperated groan.

    “I don’t think that’s any of your business, actually,” Brian said tersely.

    “Nah, come on. We’ve done so much already, haven’t we? And it’s only been a month.”

    “Roger,” Brian sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose, “we have clearly done far more than you two would have done. By far. It’s not even a competition.”

    “You’ve just been fucking for longer,” Roger said. “Doesn’t count. You have to go from the first month. No, the three weeks, even. Just the first three weeks.”

    “I can’t remember all the stuff we did in the first three weeks,” Brian said. “It was so long ago. Because we’ve been fucking for so long.”

    “I bet, in the three weeks we’ve been fucking, we’ve done just as much as you have in your five months of fucking.”

    “God,” you muttered into your drink.

    “Six, actually,” Brian said. “And I bet you haven’t.”

    “I bet we have.”

    “Bet she hasn’t fucked you up the arse yet.”

    Roger’s mouth fell open. “She what?”

    You gave Brian a bewildered look. “Brian!”

    “With a strap-on,” Brian said proudly.

    Roger turned to you, a look of betrayal on his face. “Why haven’t you fucked me up the arse yet?” he protested. “I’d be so good at it, I promise.”

    Jesus Christ. “I di– I haven’t fucked anyone up the arse, thank you,” you said, shooting a pointed look to Brian. “Brian’s just lying.”

    “I’m not lying,” Brian said.

    “She just said she hasn’t fucked you up the arse when you said she did,” Roger said.

    “We’ve talked about it,” Brian said. “Right? We’ve talked about it.”

    “We… Well, yes, we have,” you muttered. “But that’s very different to actually doing it.”

    “Have to talked about it with Roger?”

    “Maybe,” Roger jumped in. “We– We might’ve. Maybe? Have we? I think we have.”

    “Can we stop?” you said. “Please? This is already weird and uncomfortable.”

    “I can’t believe you,” Roger shot at Brian. “You’ve made her uncomfortable.”

    “She wasn’t talking about me, clearly,” Brian said.

    “And can you both stop talking about me as if I’m not here?” you snapped. “‘She’ the cat’s fucking mother.”

    The boys fell silent.

    You sighed, rubbing your temple. “Of course there are going to be – differences. Between my… relationship with you, Brian, and my relationship with you, Roger. It wouldn’t make any sense if they were the same, because you two are not the same, and how I – how I interact with you and… what makes me feel – makes us feel happy and comfortable and all that good stuff is different for each of you. With each of you. You’re not in contest with each other, all right?”

    Brian and Roger glanced at each other.

    “I can’t believe I even have to spell this out for you,” you added, and, oh dear, here comes the big talk. “I thought it would be – manageable, at least, to have this sort of relationship with the two of you, because I thought you both would be mature enough to handle it. Honestly, my only thoughts were how you both – how we all would deal with the risk of getting in too deep, emotionally, rather than you two squaring off like– like some kind of animal. Like…” You shook your head. “Whatever… Whatever male animals fight each other in the wild. Moose. Do male moose fight each other?”

    You looked to them, and they stared blankly at you.

    It took them a second to realise they expected an answer, and they both spoke at the same time.

    “I– I dunno,” Roger said.

    “Yes, they do,” Brian said.

    “You’re like a pair of… mooses. Mooses?”

    “Moose,” Brian supplied. “You just said it before.”

    “Whatever.” You sat back on the couch, and raised your eyebrows at the boys. “Honestly, right now, I’m struggling to understand why I could be bothered to deal with any of this. We’ve had a good run, right? Maybe it’s time we all let this go.”

    Brian and Roger spoke at the same time again.

    “Whoa, hey, let’s not…”

    “That’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?”

    You shrugged. “Friends-with-benefits are temporary, anyway. We all knew that going into this. Maybe I want to start looking for an actual partner, y’know? Actually date someone.”

    “But do you?” Brian said. “Or are you just tired to us fighting?”

    You chewed on your bottom lip.

    If nothing else, he could read you like a book.

    “If that’s really what you want,” Roger said carefully, “then we’ll respect that–”

    “Of course,” Brian said, nodding emphatically.

    “–but, I don’t know, we haven’t even tried talking it out.”

    “This is starting to sound awfully like an actual relationship,” you muttered.

    “But it’s not,” Roger said. “Because I… We don’t…” He looked to Brian, lost.

    Brian watched you with soft eyes. “Check-in,” he murmured.

    You matched his gaze, and sighed. “Honestly? No, I don’t have feelings for you, and I never have. Same with you, Rog. But I don’t know if I’m entirely happy with how things are right now. It’s been more stress than I want, or need.”

    Brian nodded once. “Okay,” he said. “I don’t have feelings for you, either. But I care about you deeply. You’re one of my closest friends, and I really enjoy the time we spend together. No matter what we’re doing. And…” He took a breath. “And I admit that I have been feeling jealous of Roger lately. Irrationally so. I think part of me thought that you started your arrangement with Roger because you were growing bored of me, or I wasn’t good enough in some way, and instead of talking to me about it, you’d decided to start sleeping with my flatmate. To…” He swallowed, dropping his gaze to his hands in his lap. “To annoy me, maybe. Even though I know – I know that’s something you wouldn’t do, because you care about me, and you’ve been extremely open with your feelings since day one, which is something I respect. A lot.”

    Veronica had hit the nail on the head, it seemed. “How long have you been feeling like that?” you asked.

    Brian hesitated. “A while. Not at first, but maybe after a week or so.”

    “So during our check-ins, you were, what, lying? About how you were feeling?”

    “I wasn’t… lying,” Brian said. “I just wasn’t saying the whole truth. And I’m sorry. That wasn’t right, or fair, and it wasn’t respecting our rules, I understand that.”

    You sighed, thinking this over. Your eyes flicked to Roger. “Rog?” you said. “What about you?”

    Roger drummed a frantic beat on his knees. “Uh…” He cleared his throat. “Yeah, that’s– I’ve been jealous of Brian. I know how much history you two have, and I – I think I wanted that, maybe? Or felt like I had to live up to it somehow? I… I guess I just felt that I’d never be able to compete with that, so you’d ditch me soon enough. Guess I wasn’t really thinking about the fact that what we have is so different from what you and him have.” He rubbed the back his neck. “I’m sorry.”

    You nodded to yourself, then took a drink. You swallowed, felt it slide down your throat, a faint coolness brushing down the centre of your chest. You could feel two pairs of eyes watching you, like skittish horses eyeing up a snake.

    You set the can down on the coffee table, and then said, “Okay. Well. At least we’re all being honest now. About fucking time.”

    “So… what’s next?” Roger said.

    You thought for a moment. “I’m not sure,” you admitted. “But I think you two should apologise to each other, for starters.”

    Roger and Brian looked to each other, and then away, both muttering apologies.

    “Properly,” you said. “Haven’t you two ever apologised to each other before?”

    “I don’t think so, no,” Brian said.

    You couldn’t help but laugh. “Jesus, that explains a lot.” You nodded towards them. “Go on, then. Kiss and make up.”

    They met each other’s eyes. “Sorry,” Brian said.

    “Sorry too,” Roger said.

    They looked to you.

    You stared back. “Don’t look at me,” you said bluntly. “What am I, your mother?”

    Roger sighed, and turned to Brian again. “I’m sorry for being a prick,” he said. “I was acting out when I should’ve – talked about how I was feeling. You’re my mate, and you’re all right most of the time, and it wasn’t right of me. So I’m sorry.”

    Brian’s face softened. “I’m sorry too,” he said, and he sounded so sincere that you saw a blush of embarrassment crawl up Roger’s neck.

    Good Lord, they truly hadn’t ever properly apologised to each other.

    “I was being just as much of a prick as you,” Brian continued. “I wasn’t thinking about how you would’ve been feeling in this situation, and that was shitty of me. I should’ve talked about it, too. And I’m sorry that it’s taken someone else’s intervention for us to actually properly apologise to each other for the first time literally the whole time we’ve been friends.”

    “Yeah,” Roger said with a chuckle. “We should… We should work on that.”

    “Yeah, probably,” Brian said.

    You couldn’t help but smile. “Doesn’t that feel better?”

    “Feels gross, actually,” Roger said, screwing up his nose, and you laughed.

    “It does feel… It feels good,” Brian said. He patted Roger on the knee, slightly awkwardly. “I… I care about you, Rog,” he said. “You’re a good mate, and I’m lucky to have you around.”

    “Oh, shut up,” Roger said. “Bloody sentimental old man.”

    Brian laughed.

    It was time to help lighten the mood. “Now kiss and make up.”

    “We just did,” Brian said.

    You waggled your eyebrows. “No,” you said slowly, “kiss and make up.”

    Both boys took a moment to understand your meaning, and then they broke out into spluttering and stuttering, leaning as far away from each other as they could, shaking their heads dramatically, both of their faces turning red.

    “I’m joking!” you exclaimed. “I’m joking, I’m joking. Jeez. Sorry for making such an offensive suggestion.”

    “It’s not offensive,” Brian said. “It’s just–”

    “Weird and disgusting,” Roger said. He looked to Brian. “No offence, mate. You’re just not my type.”

    “Oh, none taken,” Brian said. He shook his head at you. “You’re filthy.”

    Your mouth fell open as Roger laughed. “Brian! I was just making a joke, you pig!”

    “I knew you were into some weird shit, but watching your two male friends kiss each other…”

    “I was joking.” Aw, fuck. You’d really walked right into this one.

    “This is what you were leading up to the whole time, weren’t you?” Roger said. “I knew it. You couldn’t help yourself. Brian and I are just too bloody delicious for you to resist.”

    Brian burst out laughing. “Eugh, don’t call me delicious!”

    “I’m not calling you that, I’m saying that–”

    “You just called me that!”

    “I called us both that, Brian, I didn’t just sit here and call you delicious.”

    “That’s what you did!”

    “I di– We’re on the same side here, you fucking bastard!”

    You were laughing, hard, but the tense ball of anxiety had just relaxed in the pit of your stomach, and the beer was starting to get to your head, so you couldn’t help it if you laughed a bit more than the banter really warranted.

    sorry we didn’t really have the night u were expecting, you texted Brian the next day. did u want to make up for it?

    It’s all right, he replied an hour later. It was a night that needed to happen. And I always like spending time with you, so I count it as a night well spent, regardless.

    You smiled to yourself. i think it needed to happen too. i’m glad it did. can u two legit talk about shit if it starts getting in the way again? please?

    Yes. I’m sorry you had to do that.

     it’s fine, I just don’t want to have to make a habit of it ok?

    I completely understand. But thank you, anyway.

    it’s ok.

    You went to put your phone away, but then it buzzed once more.

    Not to go back on what I just said, but can I show you how grateful I am? Brian had texted. Or perhaps tell you over the phone tonight?

    A thrill bubbled through you. I think I can make time for that.

    I’m glad to hear it. I’ll text you later.

    You grinned, and pocketed your phone.

[radiosteve]

Need Your Loving Tonight Ch. 23

Summary: The wedding and the end.

Note: Last one! I hope everyone enjoyed this series. It was so fun to do. I’m not sure if I’ll be writing much else after this. As always, the italicized part is the reader’s thoughts. The photo is one that I found on google. I do not own any rights to it. If you want to be added to the taglist send me a message or an ask and I’ll add you!  

Warnings: Language, pregnancy

Pairing: Roger Taylor x Reader, John Deacon x Reader

Words: 3k+

  July 31, 1975

 The summer air blew warmly, causing the rose bushes outside to sway side to side. The sun was beating down lightly on the bright green grass, but the heat was well maintained by the breeze that often flushed through the air. The pathway, lined with pink and red rose petals, trailed from the entrance of the beautiful venue and led out to a sharply trimmed patch of grass. When planning the wedding, the first thing you and John agreed on was an outdoor ceremony with an indoor reception and the two of you made sure that it happened.

 A familiar feeling tingled in your toes, sending shivers throughout your body as you sat back in a chair that was perched in front of a large vanity in the rather small dressing room. Your hair was tied up beautifully, framing your face in a way that was both elegant and appealing. The natural tones of your makeup worked perfectly against your lacey, fitted and draping white gown. With a deep inhale, you pushed yourself forward, leaning your elbows on the vanity before you. Your eyes roamed over your reflection, admiring your appearance. It’s just how I always pictured it.

 A gentle knock rapped against the door, startling you from your deep investment in your own reflection. You rose from the chair, pushing it in as you headed towards the door. Stopping just in front of the door, you peered through the peephole, trying to figure out who stood on the other side before letting them in. It was Sally, standing with her arms crossed over her chest as she looked towards the ground and tapped her heeled foot. You leaned back from the peephole, unlocking the door and pulling it open with the faint traces of a smile on your face. Sally stepped inside, immediately turning to lock the door once again and prevent other from getting it. She turned back around to face you and her eyes traced over your figure.

 “Wow,” she spoke simply, the words flying from her mouth and leaving her breathless. “You look incredible. I swear, I’ve never seen a prettier bride,” a smile stretched out across her lips, bringing one to yours as well. 

 “Thank you, Sal,” you returned to the chair that you’d been sitting in before, angling it to face her as she sunk onto a small cushioned bench across the room. “You look really pretty as well. The bridesmaid dresses we picked out are truly gorgeous,” Sally nodded, knowing that you were right.

“Are you nervous?” Sally looked concerned as she asked. It was an expression that you had grown fairly used to seeing. Sally always did her best to look out for you, which sometimes resulted in her voicing her criticisms sometimes a little too often, but you admired it nonetheless. It was Sally’s constant worrisome glares and prying into your social life that brought your true feelings to the light of day. Without her you’d never be standing where you were today, in a wedding dress and about to marry the love of your life.     

 “I thought I would be, knowing me and all, but I’m surprisingly not. I mean, there’s a part of me that’s a little scared of being up there in front of so many people and everything that’ll happen at the reception, but I’m definitely not nervous about me and John. We’re meant to be and there’s nothing that can stop us now,” you folded your hands in your lap and caught sight of Sally’s gaze trailing down to them. Her eyes landed on your perfectly manicured fingernails and the beautiful cuticles that surrounded them. Sally felt her heart warm in surprise. She hadn’t noticed before now that you stopped biting at your cuticles. And it was with that realization that any spiral of doubt, no matter how big or small, about you and John vanished from Sally’s thoughts. He was good for you and you were good for him, she could 100% see that now. 

 “I’m glad. The two of you really are the perfect couple,” Sally stood up, adjusting the strap of her dress as she did. “I have to run and do a few more things before the ceremony, but me and the other bridesmaids will all be back in here just a little before were ready to start. Ok?” you nodded, and Sally went over to the door, giving you a wide smile before unlocking it and pulling it open. It wasn’t until after she had already taken a step forward that Sally realized there was another person standing in the doorway. Sally’s eyes trailed up from the ground, landing on the deep blue irises of the one and only Roger Taylor.  

 “Hello Sally,” he spoke timidly as Sally backed up, allowing him to step into the small room. “I just came by to wish the bride good luck,” Roger smiled at you and you couldn’t help but smile back.

 “I’ll just leave the two of you alone,” Sally quietly drifted back into the doorway, shutting it quickly behind her as she left.

 “I kept hearing about how great you looked, but now that I see it, I can confirm that you really do look perfect. That dress is wonderful,” Roger sat down, perching on the same bench that Sally rested on a few minutes before. 

 “Thank you, Roger. That really means a lot,” you nodded as you spoke, and Roger hummed a response before opening his mouth to talk once more.

 “So, how are you feeling? Big day, lots of emotions. Think you’re going to cry?” Roger’s slew of questions caused a chuckle to fall from your lips. 

 “I’m alright really. Not sure if I’ll cry but I don’t feel too nervous. If anything, I just feel ready,” you stated plainly, using your hands to accentuate your point. 

 “Ready to be Mrs. John Deacon?” Roger’s lips pursed and you could feel his saddened emotions peaking from his words.

 “Look Rog, we really appreciate you being here. I mean, I really appreciate it. I know it’s still a little hard sometimes but we both know that this is what’s right. For both of us,” Roger nodded his head sadly. You caught a glimpse of a tear shining in his eye and quickly reached over to wipe it away with the pad of your finger. “You don’t have to be sad, Rog. Just think, you’re going to meet a girl one day and she’ll be perfect for you. The two of you will have what John and I have. There is someone out there for you. I just know it,” you leaned forward resting your hands onto your knees.

 “I know, I know. You’re right,” Roger sighed, brushing the remaining tears from his eyes. “Just feels like everything’s happening so fast. I mean, it feels like just yesterday when Brian and I walked in on you shagging Tim in the rehearsal room before my audition,” Roger chuckled slightly, leaning his head back as he did. 

 “Oh god, don’t remind me,” you laughed along with Roger feeling any and all wedding worries flee from your head. “That seems like it was forever ago. I can’t believe how young we all were,” Roger nodded again feeling that same easiness as you did. 

 “Yeah me too. But everything is different now, for better or for worse. I’m just glad that you still kept me around after all those years,” Roger’s eyes locked with yours and you could sense his sincerity within them. 

 “I am too. Who else would make fun of me if you weren’t around?” you giggled crossing your right leg over your left as Roger shifted in his seat. 

 “I guess Freddie would have to step up, but I can tell you right now that he’s not half as good at teasing people as I am,” Roger folded his arms over his chest proudly with a cool smirk plastered over his lips. 

 “Oh, I bet,” you laughed, pushing your chair so that the back rested against the front of the vanity. 

 “Well,” Roger began, slapping his hands against his thighs as he stood up. “I better get going so that Brian doesn’t freak out about not being able to find me,” you stood up too, moving closer to Roger. “Just wanted to see how you were doing and tell you how amazing you look,” a shy smile fell upon Roger’s face. 

 “Thank you, Rog,” you pulled him in for a tight hug and Roger made sure not to crush your perfectly styled hair. He leaned down, placing a gentle kiss to your forehead as your arms still held him close. Reluctantly, Roger pulled away, backing up to the small door in your dressing room.

 “I’ll see you out there, Y/n,” Roger flashed you a small smile before walking out of the room. Your heart stayed steady in your chest, beating a calmly as it would on any normal occasion. Yes, a part of you would always hold on to that attachment and love that you felt for Roger, but now you were ready to make things final. To move on once and for all and start anew.

 May 11, 1980

 “Honey can you come upstairs for a minute? I have something I want to show you,” John called down the staircase as you sat on the couch with a book in your hand. You let out a little huff, placing your bookmark into your book, marking the page so you can come back to it later. The pads of your feet hit the floor as you marched your way up the stairs. The house definitely looked smaller now than it had when you first bought it, but you still loved it. By the time you reached the top of the stairs you felt your breath become labored and heavy. John came up beside you, placing his hand around your back to help you walk into your bedroom. “Here, love. Why don’t you sit down?” John led you over to your shared bed, helping you sit comfortably. 

 “John, why did you call me all the way up here?” you asked, your breathing was still a little heavy as your hands went down to rest on your stomach. John rushed around the room, pulling a record from the record player and tossing it onto the bed next to you. “Hey, be careful with that,” you warned, but John ignored you, pulling a record out of an unmarked sleeve and placing it on the record player. After he set it all up, John turned around to face you. A bright smile covered his face, lining its way up to his eyes. “What is this all about,” you moved slightly, trying to get more comfortable as you leaned into a pillow.

 “I wrote a song and we recorded it yesterday. I just got the final product today and I wanted to play it for you,” the smile never left John’s face as he spoke.

 “You could have just said that instead of running around like a maniac, Johnny,” you laughed, trying to get up a little but falling right back down onto the bed.

 “No, no, no. Stay there, I’ll come sit with you. Just let me start the track,” John turned around once more, fiddling with the record player until you heard the sound of guitar ring throughout the room. John rushed over to you, taking your hands off of your stomach and encompassing them in his. The song played loudly, and you really listened to the lyrics, realizing that it was about you. After the song ended, John looked up at you, his eyes locked with yours. 

 “What is this song called?” you asked, rubbing your thumb over the back of John’ hand. His hand squeezed yours quickly before he answered, the smile never leaving his face.

 “It’s called Need Your Loving Tonight. I started writing it when you went back to the States, just a bit before we got married. I’ve been tweaking it ever since. It just felt like a good way to get my feelings out at the time,” John’s hands stayed clasped with yours.

 “I think it sounds great, John. I love it,” a smile broke out across your face, mirroring the same expression that covered John’s. 

 “Yeah?” he asked, and you nodded, pulling him in for a long sweet kiss. His hands came to rest around your waist, and you pulled him as close as you could. The two of you broke apart and John’s hands came to rest on your stomach as he leaned down and put his face level with it. “You hear that? You hear that Richie? Your Mummy loved the song I wrote for her,” you giggled as John spoke to your pregnant belly, feeling the vibrations flow through it. 

 “You’re ridiculous,” you pulled John’s hands from around you and kissed him once more as he grinned against your lips. It was then that you heard the sound of the front door open from downstairs along with the patter of footsteps across the hardwood floors. John helped pull you up from the bed leading you out the bedroom towards the staircase. You heard the muffled sound of voices and laughter coming from the kitchen as you finally descended the stairs. John wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him as he helped you through the hallway.

 “Who is that making all this noise in my house?” John called out from beside you with a cheeky grin on his face. Instead of receiving a proper reply, a small girl who closely resembled John popped out from around the corner.

 “Boo!” she shouted, sticking her hands up to frame her face. John stumbled backwards, still holding you tight as he pretended to be scared.

 “Amelia May Deacon! You nearly gave your father a heart attack!” you teased, leaning over as much as you could to ruffle her messy hair. “What do you have to say?” you asked, giggling a little as Amelia smiled up at you.

 “I’m sorry, Dad. I didn’t mean to give you a heart attack,” she said bashfully, looking over to John. He had a huge smile etched over his lips as he bent over to be eye level with her.

 “Ok, I forgive you,” Amelia smiled back at John before leaning in to hug him. John wrapped his arms around Amelia, lifting her up from the ground and throwing her over his shoulder. Amelia laughed and yelled as John rushed into the kitchen with her still hanging over his back.

 “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. She just had ice cream,” a familiar voice called from the kitchen as you slowly tried to make your way in. 

 “Yeah, I’m all for babysitting but vomit is where I draw the line,” another voice spoke as you finally rounded the corner into the kitchen. You saw the last of the words fall from Roger’s lips as you approached the counter. Brian stood nearby, holding his son James in his arms and rocking him gently back and forth.

 “Alright, alright, Johnny put her down before she throws up,” you hobbled over to the counter, placing your elbow down on it as Roger’s hand came up to rub your back. John put Amelia down, his breath had grown heavy and Amelia was still engaged in a fit of giggles. “How are you feeling Rog? Dom is due any day now, right? You’re going to be a dad just like these two dorks,” you pointed your thumb in the direction of John and Brian who now stood next to each other. Brian’s mouth opened wide in fake shock while Deaky just kept on smiling.

 “She’s doing alright. I can tell she’s getting close though. But the real question is, how are you? You’re just as pregnant as Dom is,” Roger patted you on the back once more before removing his hand altogether.

 “I’m doing fine. It’s a little harder to get around these days, but overall I’m good,” you smiled up at him as Roger nodded at you, showing that he understood. It was then that Freddie burst through the front door, making as much noise as possible. 

 “Hello, loves. Sorry for being late. We’re still going over some of the new songs, right?” Freddie asked, his eyes darting around the circle crowded over the kitchen counter.

 “Of course, Fred,” Brian spoke in a hushed tone to keep James from waking up in his arms. He took James upstairs so that he could nap in peace before the four of them moved over to the living room and positioned themselves around the coffee table as they looked at some of the new lyrics and music sheets. Amelia dragged you over to the corner in the living room that was filled with her toys. She pulled out one doll for you and another for herself. You held it in your hand, with a small smile on your lips.

 Just then, you heard the boys get louder in their discussion of music and your head turned in their direction. Your gaze drifted onto them, causing you to stop for a minute and take a good look at them. They had changed so much, new wrinkles, different hair, clothing styles, all of it. Hell, even you had changed. Everything was so different now than it used to be. They were just boys when you met them, but now they were men. 

 Your eyes scanned over them, lingering on John as he sat perched on the edge of the sofa. As if he could feel your gaze aimed at him, John looked up and met your eyes. He gave you a soft, loving smile. He mouthed that he loved you and your heart flipped in your chest, the same way it always did when he said that. You smiled back at him, returning your attention to your daughter sitting in front of you. Things had changed, and you were glad that they did.

 Taglist: @Retromusicsalad @bohemiansweede​ @deaconsroger @queen-crue​ @ohtheseboysilove​ @queeniesteiins @kemeryyyy @onceuponadetectivedemigod​ @ixchel-9275​ @rogmeddows​ @ziggymay​ @deakysmisfire​ @rogertaylorsfalsettogivesmehives​ @briarrose26​ @greatdinosaursalad​ @queendeakyy​ @killer-qu33n-of-disaster​ @mi55chanandlerbong​ @rogertaylorseyelashes​

[kiwisfics]

P. T. Barnum (TGS) x Reader - Feline Fatale

A/N - Don’t mind my inability to title things well. Also, yeah this exists because I’m garbage for Hugh Jackman, can you blame me? The man is fine. Reader is written as tomboyish/dresses in men’s clothes, sorry if that doesn’t apply to you!

X

You scaled the walls with ease, hopping between the two smooth, thin metal slabs until reaching the top. You gave yourself no time to adjust, launching yourself off into a freefall as what small security you had dropped from below you as those holding them steady releshed them.

For a instant, the cheering crowd grew even quieter than your ear plugs had kept them before, time slowing to a crawl as you fell, two feet, four feet…

And then Anne’s hands wrapped around your ankles, again, only a moment of security before you were free again. Before you could fall, you had hold of a rope and you drifted slowly down, smiling wide as you neared the floor and large feline bodies surrounded you.

×

Your hands smoothed down a cowlick in Rags’ mane through the bars of his large enclosure you’d insisted the circus invest in for each the lions. Your pointed nails easily ran through all of the knots in his mane, and he clearly enjoyed the loving attention. Rags, Prince, Taylor, Leo, and Scarlet - the show’s ferocious beasts - were given an opportunity just like the rest of the show’s preformers. Saved from the mistreatment of a traveling showman and their much too small cages when they were weeks old, you had been elected their primary caregiver as soon as your bond with them became clear.

You always had bonded better with animals than humans. Animals seemed to sense the empathy and understanding seeded deep in your person, while humans tended to use it to their advantage if they noticed at all.

If it wasn’t for you breaking the nose of the man who held the lions captive, he never would have sold the sickly creatures to Barnum. You knew you couldn’t leave the cubs with a man who had no concern for their wellbeing and, as such, that was how you’d become a member of the circus. At that point, you had no way of knowing if Barnum had better intentions than the man he’d gotten them from, you knew better now.

“How’re my favorite kittens doing?”

A wide grin spread on your face as a hand rested on your shoulder, “Why, Mr. Barnum, that nickname might lead people to believe something scandalous is going on, don’t you think?”

His grin faded, if only slightly, “I’m curious about this dinner your family is hosting. You’re sure everyone’s invited?”

You could understand the hesitation, but, even if your family hadn’t insisted they were all welcome, you would have. After all, they were as much your family as those of your blood and, to your parents delight, they were the first people you’d bonded with in years.

“Of course, Phineas, I wouldn’t have it any other way. My family is ecstatic to meet everyone, it is a shame I won’t be able to bring my cats though!” Rags cocked his head as you scratched behind his ear, offering a quiet grumble that shifted to a growl as scarlet approached from her enclosure. “Oh, don’t be selfish, big guy, you get plenty of attention.”

“I’ll leave you to them. I look forward to meeting those who raised such a lovely woman.” Your cheeks burned red in response to the comment as he made his way toward Lettie.

“You two are disgusting.”

With a roll of your eyes and a laugh, you turned to face some of your fellow performers, “Anne, Charles,” you grinned at the sight of Phillip with his arm wrapped around Anne’s waist, “Phillip, don’t you have anything better to do than meddle with my interactions?”

“Don’t you have anything better to do than dance around Barnum?”

You hesitated, but couldn’t offer much in the way of an argument, “Fair enough, Charles.”

“You’re not getting anywhere by keeping quiet.”

“Well,” you sighed, “men that look like him don’t go after girls like me.” You gestured to your clothes, men’s as was always the case out of the spotlight. Not that your clothing within was much compared to the others; skin-colored and skintight, the very minimum to play up the wild-girl aesthetic you were known for. “He goes after women like-like that Charity girl.”

“Charity is his friend,” the words gained Phillip a skeptical glance, “he hardly ever shuts up about you!”

You sighed, giving another roll of your eyes, well aware that they wouldn’t stop until you gave them an answer they liked, “Fine, fine, I’ll speak with him after dinner tonight. My parents are looking forward to meeting him, so I’ll wait to chase him off until after they get their wish.”

×

The suit you wore accented your curves, after all, it had been tailored specifically for you. While all members of the show knew of your unconventional style of dress, they couldn’t help but be surprised by the higher class than usual style when you opened the door to invite them in.

“Mother, father,” you introduced them to each of your friends as they entered, Phineas and Phillip being the last, “and of course the ringmasters, Phineas Taylor Barnum and Phillip Carlyle.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, [Name] speaks highly of all of you, you in particular Mr. Barnum.”

“Mother, please,” you gave her a light nudge, cheeks blossoming into a dark pink following the words. You’d asked that they keep your attraction quiet, but clearly she couldn’t resist. The grin she gave you was nothing short of devious.

“Please, call me Phineas. I’m glad to hear I’m on her good side, she does watch over the most dangerous animals we have in the show.”

“Clearly, you’ve never seen my daughter angry, Phineas, the lions should be the least of your concerns.”

×

Dinner was enjoyable, spent with all members of the circus playfully teasing each other and your parents watching your interactions fondly. You ended up between Lettie and Phineas, resulting in light nudges whenever they’d try to talk around you.

You couldn’t help letting your own fondness for the people around you shine through. You never would have thought you’d find yourself surrounded by so many people you were privileged to know as friends, but far be it from you to complain.

This was where you felt most at home.

×

As the hours wore on, you found your way to one of the balconies in your parents home, the time among loud chatting leaving you drained, and balanced haphazardly on the railing as you thought over how to approach Phineas.

You knew they’d never let it go if you claimed it slipped your mind.

“I thought I’d find you out here.”

Despite yourself, a smile immediately grew on your lips at the sound of his voice. And it grew even wider when he placed his coat over your shoulders.

“Thank you, though I believe the red suits you more than it does me.”

He situated himself aside you, “So, would you do me the honor of a night at the theatre?” While his first words came smooth, they were followed by a stuttering mess of syllables, “Whenever you’re free, only if you want of course, I just thought-”

“I’d love to, Phin,” you glanced down, “I just don’t want to embarrass you with, well- I’m not much of a match for you. Even though the people give you a hard time, I’m sure there’s someone much better for you than me. My entire act is being wild.”

“I assure you, there’s nothing I want more in the world than for you to accompany me. If not the theatre than anywhere. I’ve put off asking from the moment you laid out that man and refused to let me take those cubs without proof they’d be cared for. Believe me, your being wild is part of the attraction.” If Barnum didn’t have the very definition of puppy eyes, than you had no other words to describe the expression he gave you.

You couldn’t resist. You leaned forward, placing a chaste kiss against his lips.

He almost slipped off the railing, and almost certainly would have if you hadn’t pushed him back.

“Why not after our first show this Tuesday?” You grinned, “and only if you don’t sit on balcony railings anymore.”

“Sounds perfect.”

×

“[Name] have you seen my- oh.” He cut himself off as he saw his coat, the item he was searching for, hanging on your frame, reaching below your knees.

“What can I say? Red might not be my color, but your coat is comfortable, and it smells like you!”

“It’s almost showtime.”

You hummed, “You can have it back on one condition, I get a kiss.”

“Well, I can’t have my favorite kitten upset, can I?”

“I am the most dangerous animal in the show.”

One of the lions growled, as if arguing that statement, but proceeded to butt his head against your leg.

“Yes, yes, you’ll get a kiss too, Prince,” you rolled your eyes, leaning towards Phineas and whispering, “don’t tell them, but you’re my favorite male.”

“Your secret’s safe with me.”

[jellybeanbeing]

Mid-Year Freak Out Book Tag 2019

1. Best Book You've Read So Far in 2019?

ON THE JELLICOE ROAD BY MELINA MARCHETTA - I will never shut up about this because it’s such a great book. It’s a story within a story about pain, friendships, family, and as cheesy as it sounds, finding yourself and a purpose. It is confusing at first, but once you hit the 50-75 page mark, you’re invested into the story and its characters. It really amazed me at how well it revealed the mysteries and how everything is connected. It makes the story all the more beautiful. The romance is also so so good.

2. Best Sequel You've Read So Far in 2019?

The Dream Thieves by Maggie Stiefvater - Holy cow, this book is amazing. I reread The Raven Cycle again this year and this time around, TDT completely captured and stole my heart. It was fun, exciting, thrilling, and so so heartbreaking. Maggie Stiefvater writes the characters (especially Ronan and the Lynch family) so well in here. It’s hard not to fall in love with everyone. This is a book that will make you feel powerful. Also, the slow burn romance is SO UNBELIEVABLY GOOD AND HURTS MY SOUL.

3. New Release You Haven't Read Yet, But Want To?

Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston - I need to get on this book because everyone and their mother are talking about this and are in love with it and I want to be in love with it too.

4. Most Anticipated Release For the Second Half of 2019?

Call Down the Hawk by Maggie Stiefvater - The Raven Cycle is one of my all time favorite series and I love how well Ronan and the Lynch family are written, so how could I not be excited about CDTH?

The Toll by Neal Shusterman - When Neal Shusterman announced that he finished The Toll, I freaked out! I’m so so excited for it because book two left us on a HUGE cliffhanger and I need to know what happens next and if my children will survive and live happily ever after.

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo - As for Ninth House, the entire premise of the novel intrigues me so much. It seems dark and gritty, and I love that. I’ve seen some author blurbs and review, saying that it is incredible so I’m really hoping that it is and I can love it because I really do like how well Leigh Bardugo can write her complex characters and plots.

5. Biggest Disappointment?

Saving Francesca by Melina Marchetta - On the Jellicoe Road is my favorite book so I was hoping that I would love this book too. Sadly, I didn’t. Unlike last year where I didn’t even finished the book for this question, I actually finished Saving Francesca. My overall thoughts were “this isn’t enough”. The character development was meh, the storyline was all over the place, the romance was lukewarm, and everything was brushed over. I definitely saw the parallels between this and Jellicoe Road but the aspects that are in this book and Jellicoe, are written better in Jellicoe. Francesca was a character I couldn’t really put my finger on. Her personality kept changing to the point where I didn’t know what her intentions were anymore. William Trombal is maybe the worst love interest ever. He’s just a cheating smart ass. I guess the thing I’m most disappointed in is that it failed to make me feel sad and really care about anything. Francesca’s mother is in a state of depression but that was like a side thing that wasn’t explored and I wanted it to. I don’t know. I’ll stop here. I was just so disappointed.

6. Biggest Surprise?

Daisy Jones & the Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid - I never intended to read this book but everyone was gushing all over it that I just had to. I guess why I didn’t want to read in the first place was because Evelyn Hugo was so good and I was afraid that Daisy Jones would be an almost carbon copy especially with the whole “old famous stars reveal a big secret” kind of plot in both. But I took a chance and boy, did I fall in love. I know people have their opinions on this book and I respect that but I really loved it. It pulled me in and I could see everything that was happening. It was such a great read.

7. Favourite New Author?

I actually don’t have one. I feel like for an author to be my favorite, I have to have read more than one or two books from them and actually liked them.

8. Newest Fictional Crush?

Jonah Griggs from Jellicoe Road by Melina Marchetta - I love love love love love Jonah Griggs so much and with all of my being. He’s just great and amazing. He’s not your typical YA love interest and that’s one thing I love.

9. Newest Favourite Character?

Ronan Lynch from The Raven Cycle series by Maggie Stiefvater - The way he’s written and the complexity of his character just makes it so hard not to love him. He starts out as this badass who always wants to fight someone to becoming this person who loves and cares so much for the people he is close with. Also, The Dream Thieves is a masterpiece in the way it’s written and how Ronan’s character evolves.

10. A Book That Made You Cry?

Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo - I decided to reread SOC & CK this year in preparation for King of Scars and I knew that ending was coming and I was ready for it, but I still bawled my eyes out so hard. I was sad for an entire week, not to mention that it carried on into King of Scars which was just fantastic. So basically I was sad and crying for a good two weeks.

The Raven King by Maggie Stiefvater - I was not expecting to cry as much because I remembered only crying about one thing, but there was so many things that I hadn’t realized that were so important to the book and to the characters and that related to me so much. I cried so much and for the longest time ever.

11. A Book That Made You Happy?

A Study in Charlotte by Brittany Cavallaro - It has been so long since I’ve read a book and not cried through it, but that I thoroughly enjoyed and had so much fun with. A Study in Charlotte was so cute and fun, but also very dark with all the murders that had occurred. I love Brittany Cavallaro’s version of Holmes and Watson. They’re very different but they still hold their roots. I also love how the characters are high schoolers because this way, we get to see a version of Holmes who is still growing into their skin with being a genius and all, and Watson learning to deal with younger version of Holmes.

12. Favourite Book To Movie Adaptation You Saw This Year?

Howl’s Moving Castle - I’ve never read the book and probably am never going to, but the Studio Ghibli’s movie of Howl’s Moving Castle is a favorite of mine. It’s basically a tradition for me to watch it every year.

13. Favourite Review You've Written This Year?

The Raven Cycle Music Playlist - I love music a lot and I love The Raven Cycle a lot so putting the two together was just so fun for me. The Raven Cycle is very atmospheric and the dynamics between and within each character is so different that I feel that there is a song that truly belongs to them. And it’s also fun to listen to the songs and be reminded of my favorite book series.

14. Most Beautiful Book You Bought So Far This Year?

How to Make Friends With The Dark by Kathleen Glasgow - I absolutely love the blue and black ombré effect along with the white specks and outlining of the girl. It’s just so beautiful.

15. What Books Do You Need To Read By The End of The Year?

Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng

I’ll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson

Challenger Deep by Neal Shusterman

[blapisblogs]

Corey Taylor (yes, he’s still here) has so little to do in this “review”- er, is so bored of this “review”- uh, I mean, is so bored with watching The Wall that he starts drifting off. Doug somehow knows this, stares at him through the TV, and says “Is there anybody who cares”, leading into the next song parody. Part-way into the song Tamara Chambers comes back in as the maid, Malcolm Ray as a body guard (still dressed as one of the “kids” only now he’s wearing glasses), and... Brad Jones (aka The Cinema Snob) as the manager (I guess), all of whom try to wake up Corey Taylor by overacting like hell.

For those who don’t know, most people ended up leaving Channel Awesome with three exceptions: Doug Walker (of course), Larry Bundy Junior (who only stayed for laughs), and Brad Jones, so I’m not that surprised the latter has turned up here. I’m ashamed to say that I used to watch some of Brad’s content, but since the whole Not So Awesome document incident happened, he’s said some pretty terrible things about the whole situation (he’s the one who infamously said “Logan Paul filmed a dead body and he still has a career” during an interview talking about the Change the Channel movement), so I’ve since stopped watching him as well. That said, at least he’s slightly better than Doug is at imitating the film counterpart he’s standing in for (in this case Pink’s manager, played by the late Bob Hoskins), but that’s hardly saying much when Doug’s not even trying.

While the first line spoofs “Is There Anybody Out There?”, the actual song that gets parodied next is “Comfortably Numb”, a song where Pink is being medicated by a doctor in order to perform for his next show. I don’t have much else to say about what happens during this parody, it’s really uninteresting, which is exactly what Doug is saying about these parts of the film. The thing is, those “slow, mopey” songs serve a purpose to the plot: they’re about how Pink feels as he’s gradually isolating himself from everyone else. This parody? It’s a whole song calling the other ones slow and boring, and takes yet another jab at Roger Waters. This is, what, the third or fourth parody song in a row where he’s insulted him now? We got it the first time, Doug. There are so many other things in this album and film that could be discussed here: how the gradual abuse affects Pink’s psyche and causes him to further spiral into depression, the dangers of what Pink is doing to himself (and unintentionally others), the directions they took for this film that differ from the album, anything. Yes, Waters’s ego might be hard to ignore while knowing the backstory, but you could at least try to talk about literally anything else regarding the film. Or, if you wanna talk about Roger Waters’s ego behind this project so badly, Doug, then actually talk about it. Talk about the spitting incident that led to this, talk about how Waters had the most creative control on this project while the other three members had almost no say in it, talk about the disagreements he had with director Alan Parker while making this film, talk about how this led to Waters leaving the band and later tried to sue them for still calling themselves Pink Floyd afterwards (which he of course lost). Doug does literally none of this, which makes it feel like he either assumes everyone knows this already or he himself doesn’t know all of it due to not doing any research into it (and let’s just say that I wouldn’t be surprised if the latter turned out to be true). I’m sorry I keep bringing up this one thing, but that’s because that’s what Doug keeps doing in this “review”; he’s a broken record.

The song eventually ends when Brad Jones tells Corey Taylor to “sober up or have an existential conflict”. I didn’t even know he was supposed to be drunk in this “review”, but I guess that would explain a lot. Also, I guess this means that Doug Walker doesn’t find Pink’s internal conflict (which is, you know, the whole point of the album and film) to be interesting, which at this point is unsurprising but still frustratingly disappointing. It’s also sad considering that Doug is a critic who can’t be bothered to consider internal conflict as valid as existential conflict or think that Pink’s internal conflict is causing some of his existential conflict. For someone who goes on about character depth and development in other things, Doug sure avoids talking about any of that for this in favor of continually shitting on it for the sake of poorly-thought-out jokes.

Anyway, it then goes to the in-video commercial break. I’m not even half-way through yet.

Fuck.

[Lyrics (and snark) below the cut]

Is there anybody who cares?

Wake up (wake up, wake up) Are you still awake in that chair? Just keep listening to me I know you’re kinda bored

[Five lines and every single one leaves good openings for jokes at its expense. At least the parodies before this weren’t this easy to make jokes about, this is just... It’s too much to not use it as an excuse to make fun of it, yet also too easy. Fuck you?]

Yeah sure (yeah sure, yeah sure) It’s a lot of slow songs now It’s hard to keep on track With mellow songs back-to-back

[Again, this means that you somehow consider “What Shall We Do Now” (warning: this one has NSFW and unsettling imagery depicting sex, violence, blood, drugs, Nazis, death, and other things, and also gets really loud), “Young Lust”, “One of my Turns”, and “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 3)” to be “mellow”, which they aren’t really, at least not compared to the others. I can’t even think of how you could say that about “Young Lust”, unless... Doug, please don’t tell me that you think “Empty Spaces” and “Young Lust” are the same song, because I cannot comprehend how you could know that “The Happiest Days of Our Lives” and “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2)” are separate songs but not know that those two are not one and the same.]

(Sorry, I can’t tell what these next couple of lines are saying because this is the part where Brad, Tamara and Malcolm come in and the former starts talking over the song. Given how crappy these lyrics are, maybe that’s for the best.)

You need to watch this movie first Just a half-hour more Come on, you’ve gotten through worse

[I’ve been telling myself that since roughly the ten minute mark of this video, and yet every time I come back here to type more about it I keep feeling the urge to close the tab for it.]

You can’t be bored while we are singing

[Wait, “we”? Are you making fun of all of the members of Pink Floyd now instead of just Roger Waters? What did David Gilmour, Nick Mason and Richard Wright do to you, asshole? I thought you were taking these potshots at Waters because of the effect this album ended up having on the other band members even after he left, now it sounds like you’ve got some personal beef with Pink Floyd in general, which gets really screwy given something you end up saying later.]

Unless you don’t wanna be seen as deep

[Doug, you can’t be bothered to even analyze or even properly talk about the surface-level symbolism that’s right there in front of you in this film; you don’t get to lecture me on what’s deep or not.]

Your attention constantly may fade Your eyes move, but do you care what we’re saying?

[You might as well have called this “Tempting Fate: The Song” with all these lyrics ripe to make fun of.]

When I was a child I remember being invested Like hearing “The Dark Side of the Moon”

[You can barely comprehend the things that are going on in “The Wall”, don’t drag “Dark Side of the Moon” into this.]

Now I’ve grown, this section starts to drag Like a long neck, I just don’t understand Is this now how I am? I have become comfortably dumb

[As many others have already pointed out, that is literally the easiest joke you could’ve gone with for that line. It’s like turning “Kingdom Hearts” into “Kingdom Farts”; a literal child could’ve come up with that joke.]

Okay (okay, okay) Just get through the damn flick You want to seem cool But this ain’t getting your kicks Can you listen? (Listen, listen) Later there will be a quiz

[You are the last person who should be giving quizzes about this film or album, Doug.]

Somebody has to feel the same When I become so lame

[“Lame”? I could be wrong, but last I checked Waters is doing just fine. Or are you talking about the other members of Pink Floyd? Because from what I’ve heard Gilmour isn’t currently doing so well mentally, and if you’re making fun of that, then... wow, fuck you.]

There is only so long I can go With hearing a millionaire say that things blow It’s like I’ve been asleep for days The film plays, but I can’t take the complaining

[You know, you keep saying that, but at least people can relate to some of the things that were brought up in the songs here. Losing a loved one in a tragic and violent way at a young age? Having an overbearing, emotionally abusive parent? An oppressive and unfair school system? An unfaithful partner? As unfortunate as it is, those are all things some people out there can relate to. At least they’re all not petty, shallow insults about things Waters doesn’t personally like, Doug.]

Like telling a child “It’s just how everything is” Just fighting to open my eyes The epic feels I had are gone I don’t know what is going on

[Neither do the people who watched this and know nothing about the film or album, from what I could tell: you’ve done nothing to help them understand what’s actually happening given how much context you’ve left out. All you’ve done is go “Roger Waters has a big ego, Roger Waters has a big ego, people who complain about school are special snowflakes, something something World War 2, animation, slow mopey songs, did I mention Roger Waters has a big ego?”]

Now the child is gone And I’ve moved on I wish those days weren’t just a phase

[Since you said there was a quiz later, Doug, I’m gonna have to retaliate and ask you to submit an essay to me explaining why you thought it was necessary to put this song into your already lengthy “review”. No, you are not allowed to use the phrase “Fuck Roger Waters and his ego” or words to that effect; that alone is not a decent argument.]

[buddiebeginz]

After reading this thread that does a good job giving a quick run down on Buck and Eddie’s journey up until this point like where they’ve been separately and where they are now, I got to thinking about some things especially where Ana and Taylor are concerned.

I was so frustrated earlier in the season when I felt like the show kept shoving Ana and Taylor in our faces and I kept thinking that this was the shows way of saying Buddie was doa and they were moving on but I don’t think that’s the case at all anymore. While it might have seemed on the surface that Eddie and Buck were off doing their own separate things when you look at season 4 as a whole everything with the guys as been connected especially the stuff with Ana and Taylor. They weren’t brought back so Eddie and Buck could have separate love interests they were brought back around the same time as part of Buddie’s journey toward getting together.

---

Ana and Eddie’s relationship really starts in 4x06 Jinx which is telling enough as it is. It’s also in this ep that Eddie keeps trying to prove that he doesn’t believe in supernatural forces. Meanwhile it’s Buck who tells him “it’s like the universe is screaming at you and you refuse to listen”.

Both Ana and Taylor are in Breaking Point 4x08

It’s fitting that this episode is called Breaking Point because I think the show runners knew this episode would piss some fans off but I think that was the point in a way. I think a lot of the stuff with Ana and Taylor in this episode and thought out season 4 really was meant to be a red herring.

We’re reintroduced to Taylor and we see her and Buck become friends although it’s clear we’re meant to think this could go somewhere by that kiss at the end. Ana and Eddie go on a date and at the end he brings her to see Christopher, a pretty uncharacteristic move for him given the pandemic and Chris’ health. This is another way I believe the show was trying to trick us into believing that these relationships were going somewhere.

Plus in an episode that was chocked full of Buck and Eddie off with other people we still had Buddie always on the periphery like when Eddie came home to Buck, a pretty symbolic moment. Then you had Buck and Eddie at the stand off. Buck complaining to everyone who would listen about Albert and Veronica (even though he couldn’t care less about Veronica) and Eddie admitting he didn’t know how to tell Christopher he was dating Ana. The show focusing on both of their love lives but interestingly enough not showing them talking to each other about their problems when they’re supposed to be best friends.

There was a really important scene with Buck talking to Taylor where he admitted that he felt ready to meet someone and “start a meaningful relationship” and Taylor tells him “I’ve met the people you work with your life is nothing but meaningful relationships”. Interesting choice of words there. To which Buck says, “doesn’t seem the same”. Taylor then tells him “do you ever think you need to be patient and let the universe come to you” a line that mirrors what was said in Jinx. So both Buck and Eddie were being told in season 4 that they needed to listen to the universe, ostensibly the signs around them.

Now at the time the show sort of frames this as Buck and Taylor maybe flirting like maybe the signs are pointing towards Taylor, but I think it was just another misdirect because when you put everything from this season together it’s clear that there was a deeper meaning there and it was directed towards Buddie.

--

Ana was in 4x10 Parenthood

This episode was all about parents and it would seem on face value that Ana’s role is about her getting closer to the Diaz family but it’s not. Her role in the episode was to highlight how Buck is Christopher’s other dad. How the only other person Christopher is terrified of losing beside Eddie is Buck. How when Christopher was upset and scared he ran to Buck’s house.

Taylor was in 4x11 First Responders

Again I think the show was trying to mislead the audience into thinking that things could be going somewhere with her and Buck when really they were just developing their friendship. Notice how they didn’t spend any real alone time together getting to know one another like how a show would typically frame a couple in the making. Their only scenes in this ep involved them trying to solve what happened to Sue. Like work partners working on a project. Taylor comes over at the end of the ep with wine but there’s no real intention on her end that she’s interested in Buck and they only talk about the case.

---

Taylor was also in 4x12 Treasure Hunt

This is where things start to get interesting and I think really where the show starts to turn things from just faking out the audience to giving more clues about Buddie.

We get a scene where a bunch of the 118 are talking about the treasure hunt after seeing Taylor talk about it on the news. They talk about how it’s going to get more people hurt and Eddie says to Buck “your girlfriend’s news story is probably not going to help out with that”. Buck says “she’s my friend not my girlfriend”. To which Eddie nods his head like he believes him but he makes a face looking pouty and jealous.

Now why would the show put that line in there and show Eddie being jealous right before the three of them end up working together? 🤔

Buck calls Taylor and asks to team up to find the treasure and at the end of the call the camera pans out to show Eddie. Almost like they would if Buck was keeping things from his so.

Eddie asks Buck to team up but Buck had already teamed up with Taylor so he brings Eddie in the on deal. We then get the kitchen scene with the three of them where it’s obvious Eddie is jealous and as was pointed out in the twitter thread I included above the framing of that scene was definitely intentional. Eddie looking jealous seated in the middle of Buck and Taylor.

Even though the three of them were supposed to be a team we see Buck and Eddie together through most of the important parts of the episode. Like at the end when they find the treasure chest.

There’s a scene with Buck and Taylor at his apartment where he thinks things are going somewhere between them they’re not and it’s not the first time it’s happened. One has to wonder why he keeps trying to put himself out there for something that just isn’t going to happen.

While eating breakfast with the 118 Buck says "at this point I don’t trust anyone” and the camera specifically focuses in and lingers on Eddie looking hurt. When Buck notices he quickly clarifies what he meant.

The episode ends letting us know that Taylor only thinks of Buck as a friend and that’s how we move into the final two episodes of the season.

Also Just like with Parenthood Ana was in that ep to highlight Buck being Chris’ other dad Taylor was in Treasure Hunt to highlight that Eddie isn’t comfortable seeing Buck with someone else.

----

Ana was in 4x13 Suspicion

So I’ve wrote about this in another post but I think that Ana’s whole purpose in this episode was solely for Eddie and Carla to have the convo they did. The show made it clear that Eddie has not been emotionally invested in his relationship with Ana.

We saw Ana looking up the stuff about that mother who was poisoning her son but Ana wasn’t really involved in that whole storyline ultimately it was Buck. Buck was there when they first went to that call and he was the one who went to the women’s house with Eddie at the end despite being in civilian clothes. There was also no acknowledgement of Ana before Eddie was shot. Usually before a scene like that you’d have a couple saying something meaningful like I’m so glad you’re in my life or Eddie deciding to tell her he loves her but instead it was all about Eddie and Buck. It was also Buck who right before the shooting said “that kid is just lucky he met you” when Eddie was feeling guilty for not getting to the call sooner.

Then of course the shooting was framed to be all about Buck and Eddie. To the point that it was like almost nothing else existed in the world for a few seconds. Even when they pulled out of the slow motion all the camera really focused on was them.

----

Now looking ahead to the last episode for season 4 both Taylor and Ana will be in the episode. We can see that Taylor is in the finale just from the promo. It’s not surprising that Ana will be given she’s been dating Eddie and he was just shot.

But I can’t help but wonder why is the show bringing Taylor in to a season finale that is already clearly over flowing with stuff for the characters to do. I mean surely they don’t have screen time to waste? And I don’t mean that as a dig on Taylor. I mean I get the impression this episode is going to be planned to the second with no filler junk. We have the sniper, saving Eddie’s life, Athena and Bobby’s marriage dramas, Maddie’s depression, Buck doing something reckless to save everyone, Buck thinking Eddie is going to die and losing his shit, Buck talking to Christopher, whatever happens in that convo between Buddie.

So again why is Taylor in the finale? We see her with Buck in the promo and it looks like it might be in front of the hospital. It’s possible she’s there to help Buck find the sniper but I think the show could get around that some other way. If you look at how the show has handled Ana and Taylor thus far and how their presence in each ep throughout season 4 was to further Buddie’s story I think there’s only one reason she’s coming back and that’s because Buck is going to confess something to her about Eddie.

---

If we look at 4x13 again it was an episode that was more about Eddie than Buck and it was about discovery and honesty. People discovering things and being honest with others and themselves. I think 4x14 will be similar but with Buck. We can tell from the promos that Buck is going to have a lot of focus in the finale and I think part of that is going to involve him being honest with himself about some things. This will hearken back to the journey he’s been on for the whole season.

In the season 3 finale we saw Buck closing the chapter on Abby finally. We saw him grow and go through so much all season 4. He’s had to face a lot of truths this year. About his parents and about the kind of relationships he’s been in and what he really wants now but I also think he’s still been running. I think given all the hurt he’s experienced he’s been afraid to be truly vulnerable. He said earlier in season 4 he wanted a more meaningful relationship and it’s been in front of him all along yet he keeps running in the opposite direction.

In Breaking Point Taylor came back to 911 to tell Buck the he needed to listen to the universe and I think when she comes back in the finale whatever she says will be an echo of that convo.

My guess is Buck will come to some kind of realization after the shooting and he’ll talk to Taylor about it. I think that Taylor will be the one who pushes him to talk to Eddie and she’ll even likely say that she knew something was there between the two of them to begin with which is a big reason why she didn’t pursue anything with Buck. She knew he was in love with someone else.

----

Which leads us to what happens next

I’ve been thinking about this scene a lot and what might happen here. I’ve seen some people say they think Eddie will ask Buck to be Chris’ legal guardian in case something happens to him or that it might be a dream sequence. I think both of those things are possible but I can’t shake this feeling that when I look at Buck’s face here he looks like he’s being being told some surprising bad news.

I think it’s possible that Buck will go to the hospital with the intention of telling Eddie how he feels only when he gets there maybe Eddie tells him Ana is moving in. Maybe Eddie says she’s going to help take care of him and Christopher. Eddie says he wants to make sure that Christopher has someone in case something happens to him.

Which leaves us on a cliffhanger for the end of season 4 and in season 5 we could get Buck trying to navigate his feelings for Eddie while figuring out his sexuality.

I don’t think the actress who plays Ana will end up coming back for season 5 but that doesn’t have to affect how they leave things at the end of season 4. If we look back on previous seasons 911 is notorious for doing cliffhangers like this. Abby left at the end of season 1 and didn’t come back and it was essentially a cliffhanger to her and Buck’s relationship. The season 2 finale didn’t give total clarity about where things with Ali and Buck were going and by the time season 3 came the actress was gone.

So this whole idea of Ana moving in with Eddie could just be an idea and we won’t actually have to see it happen in season 5. Like Eddie says Ana is moving in but by the time season 5 rolls around we hear that she got a job offer in another state and she took it.

But something else could happen too. Maybe Eddie breaks up with Ana given the clarity he got from the convo with Carla and the shooting. Then he asks Buck to move in and help him and Christopher while he’s still healing. Buck decides that now isn’t the right time to tell Eddie how he feels that he needs to just be there for his friend so he holds back. That would still bring us into season 5 with a will they or won’t they which is ultimately where I think things are headed.

I’ve seen some people speculate that Eddie might tell Buck he’s going back to Texas which I think is less likely but still possible. So Eddie breaks up with Ana and decides he’s going to spend time with his family in Texas. Buck goes to tell Eddie how he feels and before he does Eddie tells him he’s leaving. Season 4 ends where we don’t know when or if Eddie and Christopher are coming back. Though ultimately they do in season 5 but how that all plays out would make for some good storylines and it could open up room for another Lonestar crossover ep too. It would be great to have an episode where Buck and TK talk about how Buck feels about Eddie.

---

I know a lot of people are going to be pissed if anything less than Buddie getting together and living HEA in the season 4 finale happens but I think we need to be patient. If we actually even get one of them acknowledging his feelings for the other it will be a huge step in the right direction towards them becoming a canon ship. But it does feel like the show is taking them more seriously now.

I know that the show could just be queerbaiting us that’s always a possibility at this point but I think it’s okay for us to be hopeful too. I feel like if the show didn’t want to move forward with Buddie they would have put more effort into developing Buck/Taylor and Eddie/Ana and a lot less into Buddie. This would have been the best season for the show to finally cut ties with Buddie if they really wanted to move on and were tired of hearing about it from us fans. Instead they’ve only developed Buck and Eddie more and there’s no getting around all the symbolism in that final scene in the recent episode. It was shot like two lovers.

I think we just need to have some faith that the writers care enough about the characters and audience to not string us along and that this is all leading somewhere. Which for the first time since Eddie arrived I actually think it is I really do think that Buddie will become canon.

If you read this whole thing blessings upon you and your cow and I’m sorry I talk so much. 😝💗

[harrisonstories]

RTE Radio 2 Ireland - BP Fallon interview with George Harrison (18 Oct. 1987)

Photo by: Brian Roylance, Genesis Publications

This is an interview I’ve edited and uploaded to youtube because it’s quite long, and it was in two parts, so I’ve combined them together. You’ll notice at about 14:52 there’s a slight jump in the conversation which is where the second part begins. 

I really love this interview. It’s one of - if not my favourite interview he ever did. I strongly suggest you give it a listen. Similarly to the Swedish Fan Club Tape, George is extremely calm and open, and Irish DJ BP Fallon asks refreshing questions. BP Fallon has himself had an interesting life, and at one point worked at Apple for Derek Taylor (You can also see him miming the bass in the Instant Karma Top of the Pops video). I’m guessing this related to why George felt relaxed. I hope you enjoy it.

Below I’ve included the written version of this interview by BP Fallon for The Sunday Tribune. It has some information not available in the audio (not sure if it simply wasn’t recorded, or if there’s another version which includes the full conversation):

"Sometimes it feels like another world, another life, some previous incarnation," George Harrison says. "I view it a bit through a haze but, y'know, people don't ever stop talking about it so it's hard to got too much distance between myself and The Beatles." 

George Harrison doesn't mind that, not anymore. "I used to," he admits. "I used to not like it at all. I wanted to be free of it. Now I've learned to live with it. And also, don't forget, there was a period when The Beatles split up and there were all kind of court cases and bad vibes and stuff and that left a bad taste in the mouth for a while but after the years it's all cleared up, everybody's friends again." 

He's sitting in a little office in the house owned by his company Handmade Films, just off Cadogan Square in Knightsbridge in London, a few streets behind Harrods. Fourty-four-years old this man is, he has a bit of a beard and his shortish hair is swept back and there are new lines on his face. He drinks coffee and smokes ciggies and when you sit talking to the geezer you can't help but feel warmth for him. 

As one of John, Paul, George And Ringo, The Fab Four, as a member of the most popular, the most inventive, the most influential rock group of all time, he has gone through one of the strangest trips ever. They were Gods once, The Beatles. And sitting here now, George Harrison comes across as a normal bloke.

He was born in Liverpool, the fourth child of Harold and Louse Harrison. George's father was a bus driver - before that, he had been a ship's steward on the White Star Line for ten years and from one of his travels in America had returned with an old wind-up gramophone and records by bluesman and yodeller Jimmie Rodgers and country singer Hank Williams. Young George was smitten. He listened to skiffle, people like Lonnie Donegan and songs about the Rock Island Line. And then he heard Elvis Presley singing Hearbreak Hotel. "It came out of somebody's radio," George Harrison says, gazing out the window at the autumn light fading behind the trees, "and it lodged itself in the back of my head. It's been there ever since." 

At the age of 13, for £3, he bought his first guitar. Two years later, Paul McCartney introduced George to his friend John Lennon (George - "this snotty-nosed kid" as Lennon recalled). George joined John and Paul in their skiffle group The Quarreymen. In 1962, when George was 19, John, Paul, George and their new drummer Ringo Starr made their first record together. It was a fresh-sounding bluesey pop record called Love Me Do and they now called themselves The Beatles.

They changed the world, these four Scouse moptops making new noises and singing about wanting to hold your hand and about walruses and about revolution and all you need is love. 

And for eight years The Beatles were bigger than Jesus.

For a while, The Beatles - at very least by example - endorsed smoking dope and taking LSD. John, Paul and George were each busted at least once for breaking the cannabis laws. "A lot of the stuff that happened..." - and then George brings himself up to the present tense - that happens, it's just like when Prohibition was on. If they make a big deal about stuff it becomes bigger than it actually is. In moderation... you have to have moderation in everything. The worst drug of all is alcohol... it actually kills more people then heroin." He says he was fortunate as a kid to see a film about the trumpet player Chet Baker, about Baker's heroin addiction, "and that and maybe something else made me aware that this thing was just too much. 

"Of course, the other things, the psychedelic drugs, are much different because they don't put your body in a stupour, they sort of..." and now he's laughing... "they sort of catapult you out into the universe. It's a totally different perspective." Then his voice is serious again. "These things obviously can be very dangerous too. I'd hate to have some right now because I don't think I could handle it. It just gives you too many things to think about all at once."

Love and peace went out the bathroom window when The Beatles split in 1970, with Paul McCartney publicly announcing he had left. George says he realised The Beatles weren't shaking a couple of years before that. "Everyone was just getting all uptight with each other. The new wives were coming in and, y'know, living under the piano and there was no privacy anymore for us as far as the group was concerned in what was normally the only privacy we ever had, the four of us when we got into a studio. And we'd just grown away from each other. One time or another every one of us left that group before we finally stopped." 

George left during the making of what would be Let It Be. Ringo left another time "and went on holiday, and John was always wanting to leave and Paul too. You know, it was too much pressure and we'd been through those years. It was just too much.”

He emphasises that the remaining three Beatles are good pals, now. "Paul and I went through a shaky period but we're okay, now. All the old aggravations have passed a long time ago. There's no reason not to be friends."

By 1971 George Harrison was the most successful solo Beatle, with his triple album All Things Must Pass and the enormous hit My Sweet Lord. Four years later his single Ding Dong Ding Dong - a record even worse than McCartney's Mary Had A Little Lamb - was the first release by a solo Beatle to fail to enter the charts. Several years later a court ordered him to pay £260,000 damages for plagiarising the Chiffons' song he's So Fine with My Sweet Lord. That Harrison had modeled My Sweet Lord on another song, the gospel Oh Happy Day by the Edwin Hawkins Singers, was bad enough. That he had to pay the money to his former manager Allen Klein - "a looney who didn't take care of business" George describes him now- because Klein had scooped up the publishing of He's So Fine... that rubbed salt into the wound. 

His career and also his marriage to his first wife Patti Boyd were in pieces. Patti had gone to live with George's close pal Eric Clapton, who had written Layla about his best friend's wife. George started drinking heavily, contracting a serious liver complaint that his friends feared might be the end of him. 

George's chum Eric Idle had found it impossible to raise the necessary finance to make the Monty Python film Life Of Brian, so George chipped in with half the required money, £2,250,000. It turned out to be one of the best investments George had ever made, reaping a profit of more than £30,000,000. Since then, Harrison and his film company Handmade Films have scored with another Monty Python film The Meaning Of Life - banned in Ireland - and delivered films like Time Bandits and Mona Lisa as well as Shanghai Express, a disaster for its stars Sean Penn and Madonna and its producer Harrison. But what the heck. George isn't short of a few shekels.

In 1978, George married Olivia Trinidad Arias, a 27-year-old who had been born in Mexico and had been working as a secretary in A&M Records in Los Angeles. George's health had been desperate. He was fading away. Olivia contacted the Chinese acupuncturist Dr. Zion Yu and within weeks of treatment George had regained his energy and his spirit. 

They have a nine-year-old son named Dhani - the Indian for wealthy - and the other day he asked his father to make him up a cassette of Chuck Berry songs. After George appeared at the Prince's Trust concert in London five months ago with Ringo, Eric Clapton and Elton John, Dhani came backstage. George had sung his own Beatle compositions While My Guitar Gently Weeps and Here Comes The Sun. "I asked him 'What did you think?' and he said 'Uh, you were alright Dad, but why didn't you do Chuck Berry songs like Roll Over Beethoven and Johnny Be Good and Rock'n'Roll Music?'" 

He has a new LP out any day now, his first in five years. It's called Cloud Nine. "Have you heard the album?" he asks solicitously. "No? I'll see if someone's got a copy." George Harrison wanders off, and returns with a young woman who says "It's a bootleg I taped from the CD." George flips the cassette into the music system and spins it through, looking for a specific track. "I think you might like this one," he says in his dry Liverpudlian drawl, settling himself into another chair as he watches for reactions. 

Ringo's drums with cellos straight from Lennon's I Am The Walrus lead into George singing with fondness for former Beatle times. It's a track that could fit on a Beatle record and it's called When We Was Fab. "Fab... but it's all over now baby blue" George sings, and at the end there's sitar sounds like George cosmicing out on Sgt. Pepper. It's... well, fab.

When John Lennon was murdered in 1980, George Harrison didn't suddenly lock himself away from the world in his Gothic mansion. Near the riverside town of Henley-On-Thames, this bizarre 70-roomed palace called Friar Park was remodeled a century ago by the eccentric Sir Frankie Crisp and is set in 33 acres of parkland with three lakes with secret stepping stones so one can appear to walk on water, underground caves linked by a river and a reproduction of the Alps that includes a perfect 100 foot high replica of the Matterhorn. George was already in hiding.

"I was already trying to hold onto some sort of privacy. I think everyone needs to have a bit of space, y'know. I mean, if you were just being mobbed and on the TV and that all your life you just turn into a loony, and long before John got shot I was already just digging in the garden, planting trees and just trying not to go on television, just having a bit of peace. 

"But what it did, it affected me probably like anyone who loved John and who grew up with him and his music. And it was a very sad thing and, um, it didn't make me feel..." Harrison's voice trails off, and for a moment his eyes look away and he's lost in private thoughts. He looks back. " It made me wonder about ever gettin' into situations where there's fans, although at the time you can't blame fans for that. There's one loony in every crowd, I suppose. But I go on living normally. I don't panic unnecessarily."

There was talk that for Live Aid Paul, George, Ringo and Julian Lennon might let it Beatle together, but George dismisses any idea of reunions. "I don't think we'll play together. The Beatles certainly can't play again and I think it's best left as it is, y'know." 

Long before Live Aid, George Harrison's Concerts For Bangladesh raised £45,000,000 for the starving. He didn't appear at Live Aid but says if he'd known more about it "maybe I would have done it but they did alright without me." George talks at length about the planet, his concerns about destruction. Last year he participated in an anti-nuclear rally in Trafalgar Square, and he's a member of the ecological organisation Greenpeace. "I love those people because they go out and actually do it. I mean, if it wasn't me that's the kind of thing I'd like to be, out there on a ship getting harpooned by Russians and Japanese."

At the turn of the Seventies, George became a benefactor to the Hare Krishna movement. He not only made records with them and talked about them publicly but also forked out a quarter of a million pounds to buy them a 15-room Elizabethan mansion with 17 acres of land. 

Since then, George's friend His Divine Grace Guru Bhaktivechanta Swami, the leader and founder of the International Society For Krishna Consciousness, who was 77 when they met, has died. George feels that some of the remaining Krishnas have at times abused his patronage, and he cites letters from people who wrote saying that they were hassled at airports by devotees using Harrison's name. 

Nevertheless, he still subscribes to "the Swami's ancient Vedic way of having God consciousness. The technique of chanting, just like the monks and Christians, they do it too really but it's just using beads and chanting these ancient mantras... they do have great affect. I wouldn't knock them at all. I am always a bit dubious about organisations and since the swami died it does seem to be chaotic, with all kinds of guys thinking they're the gurus. To me, it's not important to be a guru, it's more important just to be, to learn humility." And George still chants. "I've still got my bag of beads and they're really groovy now, all polished up."

Is he a happy chap? "Yeah, I'm okay. Sometimes I get depressed. It's a constant battle, isn't it? You have to consciously make an effort to be happy and considering everything, I've come along quite nicely. There's always room for improvement but, um, I have a laugh and I feel quite good about things." He believes in reincarnation. "The only reason we're actually in these bodies is to learn and develop love of God and liberate our souls from this round and round, the Memphis Blues." He reckons he'll come back again. "Well," he says laughing, "by the look of things I'll probably have to... but I'd like to give it a pass one of these incarnations!"

And, George Harrison, what would you like to be remembered for? 

He pauses. "I don't know... I don't know." And then he smiles and looks you directly in the eyes and you see the face of a man still searching, still looking to extend his gentle vision for all time. He'd like to be remembered, he finally says, "just as somebody who's not bad, not that bad”... 

"That'll do, yeah."

Fair play to you, George.

[cosmosogler]

hi guys. i don’t really know how to write about how i’m feeling right now. like, i have a lot of words and not enough energy to type all the words i think. i’ll try.

woke up basically on time, although i think i woke up during the night at some point. the clean bedsheets helped i think. i was gonna get rolling around 9:30 but i felt sick after breakfast and kinda just wanted to listen to music so i didn’t leave my apartment until 11:30. i sat and worked semi-diligently until 1 when i had lunch with harrison. i hadn’t really felt good about preparing my own lunch so we got subway, which is always a downgrade from literally anything i could bring myself. it made me sick. i talked to harrison about my various therapy experiences. i’ve had good ones and bad ones... i talked about why i still recommend it despite all the complications and the fact that it’s REALLY difficult to get quality treatment when you have serious problems that require treatment, but much easier to get treatment when you’re feeling on the better side. not feeling “good,” but... it’s different. you gotta be proactive to get the best experience / switch out therapists when you are not getting along and most people seeking therapy do not have the energy to be that proactive.

when we got back keegan wanted to play smash. i was kinda having fun but i was also making really risky moves that i hadn’t practiced and i lost basically every fight. i won one of them, but i came in third (or fourth, when taylor was playing) the rest of the time. it got frustrating... harrison just does the same thing over and over and i can’t figure out how to work around it on the competitive stages. i can do it just fine on any other stage, but those flat ones where nothing is moving just give him a huge advantage because i can’t approach safely without getting clotheslined by keegan.

i studied for another ~hour and then i took a quick break and then i biked up the hill to go check out creative writing club.

it was basically nothing that i wanted it to be. i was the first one there. eventually the club secretary showed up. she talked at me about her family and how successful they all are. i asked about what she’s writing and she talked to me about her trilogy idea and how she and her co-author have planned a sequel trilogy to go with it and they are halfway done with the first book of the six. she told me that the club basically just has a group project they always work on as a huge collaboration, and for the summer the theme / universe was summer camp.

she didn’t ask about my writing.

when the two boys (president and vice) showed up the president asked what the last book i read was. then he asked what i was hoping to get out of club. when i said i was kind of thinking it would be a place where we each brought in our own work and swapped it around to give feedback he stared at me until i brought up the collaboration. we jumped right in with that. without letting me read half the character list he started asking me for character ideas. 

i was kind of at a loss. i was still trying to change gears from “oh they are not going to read or even ask about my work or care” to “GUESS I’M JUMPING ON BOARD A PROJECT I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT.” 

one thing i picked up on while he scrolled rapidly through the document is that every character is a hilarious sociopath. most of the character quirks were edgy or “lol xd so ran dom” sort of humor. i tried to get the core of a character going, that i liked, but within five minutes i realized that i was going to have to pick a joke and hammer it repeatedly if they were going to write down any of my ideas. (they didn’t write down a bunch of things i suggested.)

the secretary had told me that the president was super gay and it would be obvious as soon as he walked in. but when i suggested the character i made was gay they seemed to act like i was breaking some kind of rule, or being somehow more risque than them. 

the vice president seemed to think i was freaking hilarious and got a huge kick out of several of my jokes (that the other two didn’t write down). i was getting along with him ok but i was also having the most trouble following his character ideas (he hit a lot of the same notes over and over and over). 

i asked if we were ever going to do anything besides make characters and the president said we’d be making a story outline once we had enough to work with. i kind of stared at the document (it was on the projector so i didn’t have free reign to see whatever i wanted). we had 17 characters and they are all fairly one-note. that’s too many characters for any kind of story besides like an ensemble with disconnected chapters. also almost every one of those characters is a self-centered asshole. i don’t know what we are going to do with this story but i don’t anticipate it being very fun for me.

i know... what they’re doing. this club isn’t a class. they’re not meeting every week to hone their craft. they’re just having fun and screwing around. and... there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that. i worry what it says about me that i’m so disappointed though. 

i feel like... i had invested a lot of hope into this idea that there would be a place i could go to talk about fiction, and other people’s fiction, and my fiction, and maybe meet some other dedicated people and write some critiques. get my literary analysis hat back on. haven’t been able to do that in so long. does that make me a tryhard? does it make me pretentious? have i become an “i don’t know how to have fun” sort of person, that i don’t fit into this club? i can’t see myself making it work. 

i wanted to have fun in a way that i know how and makes me feel good. i know it’s not necessarily healthy to only have fun when i also feel like i’m being productive in some way. but that’s what i wanted out of this. i wanted it to be easy to have fun and feel like i was spending my time in a way that improves myself or my abilities. that’s how i have fun, i think... most other ways of having fun leave me feeling empty afterward. like today.

i had fun for a little while. why am i so sad anyway?

i’m running out of resources. there’s only one “creative writing club” on campus. i can’t go to the OTHER creative writing club where they do the things i wanted to do. this is what i have, and it’s not really what i expected or helpful to me. 

if there’s a club for this out in the town community? what am i gonna do, go show a bunch of older people my fan fiction comic? my convoluted other comic script that badly needs major revisions? my zombie story? my dragon story that also needs huge revisions? what am i even doing?

what the hell am i doing. why did i let so much ride on this commitment. i’m planning on going next week, one more time... just to see if things can be different, i guess. 

but between this and the new counselor i’m kind of frustrated and confused about what to do next. i’ve had the rug pulled out from under me so many times in the last few months... the last year... the last two and a half decades. so many dead ends and NO SOLUTIONS! NOTHING IS MAKING ME HAPPY. NOTHING IS SATISFYING ME. 

i don’t expect the psychology clinic to be able to help me either. i filled out the paperwork anyway, but... i don’t see what the point of consciously hoping is. i’m gonna hope anyway, because i can’t seem to not hope, and it hurts, but it’s what i do and i can’t seem to change it. 

i’m really upset. i don’t know who else to go to. i don’t know what else to try. i don’t know where the community i’m looking for is hiding. i don’t know the magic study strategy that will let me pass my exams. i feel so stuck and alone. i feel like this is my fault because nothing is good enough for me i guess. why can’t i just be happy with what i have. i always need more and i’m never gonna get it.

[jccamus]

Yuval Noah Harari’s History of Everyone, Ever

Yuval Noah Harari’s History of Everyone, Ever https://ift.tt/2Sclqw8

As a camera crew set up, Harari affably told Pinker, “The default script is that you will be the optimist and I will be the pessimist. But we can try and avoid this.” They chatted about TV, and discovered a shared enthusiasm for “Shtisel,” an Israeli drama about an ultra-Orthodox family, and “Veep.”

“What else do you watch?” Harari asked.

“ ‘The Crown,’ ” Pinker said.

“Oh, ‘The Crown’ is great!”

Harari had earlier told me that he prefers TV to novels; in a career now often focussed on ideas about narrative and interiority, his reflections on art seem to stop at the observation that “fictions” have remarkable power. Over supper in Israel, he had noted that, in the Middle Ages, “only what kings and queens did was important, and even then not everything they did,” whereas novels are likely “to tell you in detail about what some peasant did.” Onstage, at YES, he had said, “If we think about art as kind of playing on the human emotional keyboard, then I think A.I. will very soon revolutionize art completely.”

The taped conversation began. Harari began to describe future tech intrusions, and Pinker, pushing back, referred to the ubiquitous “telescreens” that monitor citizens in Orwell’s “1984.” Today, Pinker said, it would be a “trivial” task to install such devices: “There could be, in every room, a government-operated camera. They could have done that decades ago. But they haven’t, certainly not in the West. And so the question is: why didn’t they? Partly because the government didn’t have that much of an interest in doing it. Partly because there would be enough resistance that, in a democracy, they couldn’t succeed.”

Harari said that, in the past, data generated by such devices could not have been processed; the K.G.B. could not have hired enough agents. A.I. removes this barrier. “This is not science fiction,” he said. “This is happening in various parts of the world. It’s happening now in China. It’s happening now in my home country, in Israel.”

Cartoon by Paul Noth

“What you’ve identified is some of the problems of totalitarian societies or occupying powers,” Pinker said. “The key is how to prevent your society from being China.” In response, Harari suggested that it might have been only an inability to process such data that had protected societies from authoritarianism. He went on, “Suddenly, totalitarian regimes could have a technological advantage over the democracies.”

Pinker said, “The trade-off between efficiency and ethics is just in the very nature of reality. It has always faced us—even with much simpler algorithms, of the kind you could do with paper and pencil.” He noted that, for seventy years, psychologists have known that, in a medical setting, statistical decision-making outperforms human intuition. Simple statistical models could have been widely used to offer diagnoses of disease, forecast job performance, and predict recidivism. But humans had shown a willingness to ignore such models.

“My view, as a historian, is that seventy years isn’t a long time,” Harari said.

When I later spoke to Pinker, he said that he admired Harari’s avoidance of conventional wisdom, but added, “When it comes down to it, he is a liberal secular humanist.” Harari rejects the label, Pinker said, but there’s no doubt that Harari is an atheist, and that he “believes in freedom of expression and the application of reason, and in human well-being as the ultimate criterion.” Pinker said that, in the end, Harari seems to want “to be able to reject all categories.”

The next day, Harari and Yahav made a trip to Chernobyl and the abandoned city of Pripyat. They invited a few other people, and hired a guide. Yahav embraced a role of half-ironic worrier about health risks; the guide tried to reassure him by giving him his dosimeter, which measures radiation levels. When the device beeped, Yahav complained of a headache. In the ruined Lenin Square in Pripyat, he told Harari, “You’re not going to die on me. We’ve discussed this—I’m going to die first. I was smoking for years.”

Harari, whose work sometimes sounds regretful about most of what has happened since the Paleolithic era—in “Sapiens,” he writes that “the forager economy provided most people with more interesting lives than agriculture or industry do”—began the day by anticipating, happily, a glimpse of the world as it would be if “humans destroyed themselves.” Walking across Pripyat’s soccer field, where mature trees now grow, he remarked on how quickly things had gone “back to normal.”

The guide asked if anyone had heard of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare—the video game, which includes a sequence set in Pripyat.

“No,” Harari said.

“Just the most popular game in the world,” the guide said.

At dusk, Harari and Yahav headed back to Kyiv, in a black Mercedes. When Yahav sneezed, Harari said, “It’s the radiation starting.” As we drove through flat, forested countryside, Harari talked about his upbringing: his hatred of chess; his nationalist and religious periods. He said, “One thing I think about how humans work—the only thing that can replace one story is another story.”

We discussed the tall tales that occasionally appear in his writing. In “Homo Deus,” Harari writes that, in 2014, a Hong Kong venture-capital firm “broke new ground by appointing an algorithm named VITAL to its board.” A footnote provides a link to an online article, which makes clear that, in fact, there had been no such board appointment, and that the press release announcing it was a lure for “gullible” outlets. When I asked Harari if he’d accidentally led readers into believing a fiction, he appeared untroubled, arguing that the book’s larger point about A.I. encroachment still held.

In “Sapiens,” Harari writes in detail about a meeting in the desert between Apollo 11 astronauts and a Native American who dictated a message for them to take to the moon. The message, when later translated, was “They have come to steal your lands.” Harari’s text acknowledges that the story might be a “legend.”

“I don’t know if it’s a true story,” Harari told me. “It doesn’t matter—it’s a good story.” He rethought this. “It matters how you present it to the readers. I think I took care to make sure that at least intelligent readers will understand that it maybe didn’t happen.” (The story has been traced to a Johnny Carson monologue.)

Harari went on to say how much he’d liked writing an extended fictional passage, in “Homo Deus,” in which he imagines the belief system of a twelfth-century crusader. It begins, “Imagine a young English nobleman named John . . .” Harari had been encouraged in this experiment, he said, by the example of classical historians, who were comfortable fabricating dialogue, and by “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,” by Douglas Adams, a book “packed with so much good philosophy.” No twentieth-century philosophical book besides “Sources of the Self,” by Charles Taylor, had influenced him more.

We were now on a cobbled street in Kyiv. Harari said, “Maybe the next book will be a novel.”

At a press conference in the city, Harari was asked a question by Hannah Hrabarska, a Ukrainian news photographer. “I can’t stop smiling,” she began. “I’ve watched all your lectures, watched everything about you.” I spoke to her later. She said that reading “Sapiens” had “completely changed” her life. Hrabarska was born the week of the Chernobyl disaster, in 1986. “When I was a child, I dreamed of being an artist,” she said. “But then politics captured me.” When the Orange Revolution began, in 2004, she was eighteen, and “so idealistic.” She studied law and went into journalism. In the winter of 2013-14, she photographed the Euromaidan protests, in Kyiv, where more than a hundred people were killed. “You always expect everything will change, will get better,” she said. “And it doesn’t.”

Hrabarska read “Sapiens” three or four years ago. She told me that she had previously read widely in history and philosophy, but none of that material had ever “interested me on my core level.” She found “Sapiens” overwhelming, particularly in its passages on prehistory, and in its larger revelation that she was “one of the billions and billions that lived, and didn’t make any impact and didn’t leave any trace.” Upon finishing the book, Hrabarska said, “you kind of relax, don’t feel this pressure anymore—it’s O.K. to be insignificant.” For her, the discovery of “Sapiens” is that “life is big, but only for me.” This knowledge “lets me own my life.”

Reading “Sapiens” had helped her become “more compassionate” toward people around her, although less invested in their opinions. Hrabarska had also spent more time on creative photography projects. She said, “This came from a feeling of ‘O.K., it doesn’t matter that much, I’m just a little human, no one cares.’ ”

Hrabarska has disengaged from politics. “I can choose to be involved, not to be involved,” she said. “No one cares, and I don’t care, too.” ♦

https://ift.tt/39BhLOy via The New Yorker February 13, 2020 at 09:42PM