#I'll delete this later probably

[adhd-merlin]

I was just thinking about how canon!merlin is basically incapable of being normal about arthur. and if they ever ended up together, I think he'd do something weird at least once at some point, like. just fucking bite arthur out of the blue while they're in bed or something. I'm not talking about a sexy bite either. I'm talking an "I've succumbed to the intrusive thoughts in my head" kind of bite. tell me I'm wrong

[turtlecleric]

assumption - others have said in need of a hug (yes true) but also,

may not have been praised in the way that you deserved growing up and instead others tried to dim your light because they were envious or wanted to see you fail (->im here to tell you they suck ass. you're everything and more; skilled; determined; worthy; and i love you so so much and i am so so proud of you)

Did you know that I would die for you? Did you know that I love you so goddamn much? Did you?

This is way too much personal info that no one actually cares to know, probably, but. I'm sort of avoiding work on purpose at the moment and I'm having a really rough day. Who needs therapy when you have asks on Tumblr to rant in? (I'm joking, to be clear. Actual therapy is so valuable and important if you manage to find a competent professional who clicks well with you. The only reason I stopped going is because of Covid, time, and money.)

Warning: VERY long vent ahead, please do not feel obligated to read or respond

My dad was really good about praising me in ways that felt genuine, actually, though that made the times he /was/ upset with me all that much worse. My dad isn't perfect, and he's done some things and said some things that I'll never forgive, that I'll never be able to forget, but I would also do anything for him. I know he's there for me when I need it, I know he'll answer when I call, I know that he actually cares about me. He and maybe like two cousins are the only family I would never be able to cut off.

My mom... I guess it was just sort of the baseline bare minimum expectation that I would do things well, so when I /was/ praised it was just like... oh, good job sweetie! Proud of you! But it didn't feel... I don't know how to describe why but... I don't know. Now, when people tell me I do things well I always have that voice in my head that's like "they're just being nice, they don't actually think it's all that great, they expected you to do a much better job than this, actually, why did you even bother sharing? Why did you think this was something to be proud of?" I read way too far into things, interpreting neutral reactions, or even positive reactions that aren't as enthusiastic as I might have hoped for, as proof that people are simply being nice and don't really like what I do or make or say all that much. I always get stuck in this mindset that I'm not allowed to create mediocre content, like it all has to be Excellent or else it's Terrible.

I also remember in high school, posting some drawings on Facebook that I was really proud of. Two drawings, one with hands in chains and cut up and the other with healed hands glowing with holy light and cradling a cross. It was supposed to show the difference between life without God and life with God (I was... VERY religious as a teenager. I am now agnostic.), but she saw the first picture and freaked out, super pissed, yelling at me to take it down, to not embarrass her like that, because people were going to see that and think I was abused or depressed or something (haha... me? Depressed? Nahhhhh). And that was the moment when I knew I could never ever ever share anything even remotely dark with her, that if I ever were to express something that indicated I was anything other than good and happy and perfect then she would react similarly. She's also very judgemental regarding mental health, often made comments about how "people who are/do x are sick, there's just something wrong with them, make sure you stay away from people like that" while I'm sitting on the couch like... oof. That's me. So all my venting went to Tumblr where she couldn't see, and even now I mostly only vent on Tumblr and through writing. I have many wonderful friends that would gladly allow me to vent to them (I love you all so much I love you I love you I love you, thank you for being so kind), but I simply Cannot. I've had a friend before where it felt like all they did was complain, they were always so goddamn negative, and it became a chore to talk to them. I started to get angry every time they said or did something defeatist, I stopped enjoying talking or hanging out with them, and I refuse to be that person. Even if I'm told over and over that I don't come across that way, I'm so terrified of it that when I think about reaching out I start to think of that friend and about how I shouldn't bother people and I panic. Unless I've gotten to the point where I truly believe that nothing I do or say will ruin the friendship, then it's really hard to push through that fear. But that's so much harder than it used to be because I /did/ lose a friend that I thought I would have literally for the rest of my life, I was so 100% confident that we would be 80 years old still hanging out with each other and goofing around, so sure we could go through anything together and stay friends, I knew in my heart and soul that we would be friends until we died, and I was wrong. I was wrong. I also had a different friend who was always there for me, always praised me, always listened to me when I needed it and told me kind things and made sure I felt welcome and loved and viewed positively, and then he fucking assaulted me one night when he thought I was asleep.

Anyway. When I /did/ fail at things growing up, it was either punished more severely than necessary or straight up laughed at. Mom was very hot and cold, too, you could never tell what kind of mood she was going to be in that day. (She is still like this. It's well known in my family that you never know which version of her you're going to get.) Things are fine one moment and then suddenly I'm in trouble for something I didn't even realize I did wrong (like with the drawings), so I'm just. Terrified of not doing well enough at things, of disappointing people, of people being annoyed with me or upset with me over something I didn't even realize was rude or mean or wrong to begin with.

"Don't overstay your welcome; don't bother people" was pounded into my head. I can't express how often I start to say or type something and then think, "No one cares. Stop bothering people. You're being too much, you're being annoying, they're tired of you, just keep it to yourself." I'm working on it but. Yeah. Half the time I still just stop talking or backspace and stay quiet. Even typing this, I'm like... you should delete this. You're basically just begging for attention, and if anyone says anything about this to you then it'll only be because they felt obligated to and they're going to start seeing you as a whiny, pathetic, manipulative person, and they're going to get tired of you and roll their eyes every time you say anything, even if it's not you venting, or they'll see this and think about how stupid or weird it is for you to put this information out on the internet, and even this sentence right here is proof that they'd be right because you're aware of all these thoughts and you're still doing it.

But then another part of me thinks that if I can't even vent on my own blog on a post that literally no one is required to read that is also hidden under a readmore and clearly states that it's a vent post, then where /can/ I vent? And if someone else posted this, would I be this harsh on them? And what's so wrong with seeking attention and comfort? Why is that unforgivable in yourself but admirable in others? Why are you crying at work? Why aren't you doing your job? Why aren't you better? Why aren't you better?

[cheesy-poofs]

When I try making a post about a topic that deeply upsets me and get surprised when I start getting really upset 😔✌️

[queencvbra]

Friendly reminder that OCD is a medical disorder, not a synonym for “clean freak”, or a fun little quirk. It’s outright fucking debilitating at times, especially when you have the same obsessive thoughts for 5+ hours straight telling you someone in your family hates you or that you’re going to die that day with absolutely no evidence to support that and yet you can’t get your brain to shut the fuck up because you have a disorder and can’t regulate that shit.

[daenerys-stormborn]

why do people i’ve never interacted before have me blocked? especially gif makers ;w;

[theluminoussunflower]

people on dps tumblr who were discovering that maya hawke and ethan hawke are related are the same people who don't know who james waterston is related to

[emmebearpaw]

to acknowledge it

To my father, who art in the kitchen, I ask you just one thing. Do you want me to acknowledge it? The way you grimace as you walk I don't think you do. I ask if you need help as you freeze in pain. Do you want to sit down? Can I help do anything? You say no. You say no. You obviously can barely stand and you say no. I know, I know. You don't want your child to see you in pain. I will see you in pain regardless. I will see you cry regardless. I will launch from my room at the speed of light the second you say the word. Please say the word. I know I can't help much but please say the word. I know I'm putting my pain ahead of yours I know I shouldn't be selfish. I don't think you should go to the party. I know you want to. i want you to. I don't think you should. I think mom was wrong to say it, what she said was selfish and rude and irresponsible and It feels bad to watch you be in pain and know I can't do anything about it, Dad. I'm scared you'll fall and this time, no one will realize it, Dad. I'm scared to have to choose whether to wake them up or to let them sleep until the ambulance comes again, Dad. I'm sorry for being selfish, Dad. I just can't stand watching you hurt.

[cl0wnsexual]

being anti I*real is not antisemitic btw, I*real is a colonist state and it shouldn't exist. the entirety of I*real is stolen land, you can't be pro Palestine without being anti I*real

[harasharaved]

The fact that Judaism is trending because of both the wave of bomb threats on synagogues and Bradley Cooper's Antisemitism Adventure (his huge fake prosthetic nose, and him basically stealing the story from a Jewish man) is so infuriating and so exhaustingly typical.

The fact that I see Judaism trending on Tumblr and immediately think "oh no. Something Bad is happening to us." We're never trending cause it's fucking good. I never get to be excited, it's just cold dread.

The fact that Antisemitism is getting worse everyday and the only ones who ever talk about it are other Jews. The fact that no one else fucking cares. The only ones who support us are other Jews. Even when gentiles talk about Nazis or white supremacists they don't want to help us. We're just their prop, the canary in the coal mine and the perfect victim.

The fact that everyone's uncomfortable with Jews still being here. Reminding them of things they'd rather forget.

The fact that it'd be easier for them if we were all dead. Then they could tell stories about our people, dressed in offensive caricatures, without us making a fuss.

[thebibliosphere]

Whenever I get a particularly nasty message, I always check to see if they're following me first. Nine times out of ten, they're not. But they're also, unfortunately, the same people who feel entitled to send me multiple messages in a row, most of them heavily steeped in the language of moralization and purity.

Like whenever I talk about painkillers or pain management, I always get a handful of well-meaning people who are maybe new to my blog or are just young, asking me if I've tried diet/exercise/meditation, etc.

Sometimes I'll respond to them. Other times I'll just ignore them because I get those kinds of messages so often it's like white noise, and maybe part of me hopes if they stick around on my blog, they'll learn it through exposure via my incessant bitching.

When you see me responding to someone offering that kind of advice, it's either because I'm at my fucking limit or because I'm hoping it's a teachable moment and an otherwise seemingly nice person might unlearn some harmful biases.

The people who don't follow me are not interested in any kind of conversation on the subject. They do, however, feel the most qualified to tell me, someone they didn't know existed until one of my posts crossed their dash, how to manage my life, everything I'm doing wrong, and why I'm a bad person.

And for them, my disability is proof that I am a bad person because they view health as a moral issue.

If you're sick, it's because you don't exercise enough, don't eat the right foods, don't pray enough, don't do enough. They genuinely believe that if they say and do all the right things, like a Good Person, they'll never get sick.

It's their security blanket against the harsh reality that anyone is one bad day away from disability. One faulty gene, one bad infection, one bad accident away from a life-long diagnosis. And if they do get sick, it's a test. A challenge to be overcome with Willpower as they learn the True Meaning of Life.

It can never just be a simple fact of life that sickness happens. That disability exists without a moral reason.

And it's suffocating.

Day in, day out. Folks who don't know me from fucking Eve telling me I'm being punished. Not always as outright as that. They don't always use that word. But sometimes I appreciate it when they do because at least then they're being honest. They're not couching it in the softer language of leftist circles. Not hiding it behind concern.

Because the truth is, there are just as many folks who think they're liberal and enlightened who'd be happy if disabled people just stopped existing. They don't like thinking about us because it makes them think about themselves. About their own fragility and mortality, and they hate that. They hate that there's something they can't control with their thoughts and actions. That they can't moralize their way out of.

Honestly, it's a relief when people are just cunts about it because I can hit the block button, safe in the knowledge that they were never the kind of person who would see me as a person. But when it's some 20yo kid with their pronouns, orientation, and "ACAB" in their profile spouting the same kind of moralization, sometimes even with the language of eugenics, it feels like such a betrayal. Like a loss.

And perhaps if I wasn't multiply disabled, I'd have the energy to pull them back. To tell them why they're wrong and hope like hell they realize what they're doing is harmful. But then, if I wasn't disabled, they wouldn't be messaging me, so I wouldn't be dealing with it.

I wouldn't be expected to use my existence as a teachable moment to spoon-feed them compassion. But I am, and I do. When I can. Not always with the grace that's warranted. Not always with the thought and compassion I ought to. (And I don't; I acknowledge that. I'm prone to anger and off-the-cuff remarks that are hurtful too. Though I try to keep most of it to myself or save it for therapy.)

Basically, if you've made it this far through the TED talk, don't be fucking cunts to disabled people. Don't tell chronically ill people to try yoga. Don't moralize pain relief. Suffering is not noble.

You need to kill the cop and the priest in your head telling you otherwise.

And also if you're the nice people sending me nice messages. Thank you. It helps cushion all of *gestures* this.

[fluffy-ami]

I am perfectly normal about his laugh-

“The G in Gale stands for giggles apparently”

[jentlemahae]

JENNIE / SOLO REMIX @ BORN PINK IN LA (230826)

[extrashortshorts]

My first ever face to face encounter with a onepiece fan that treats everything too seriously

It was...wow...pretty out of nowhere as well

Every new sentence and take they spitted out was like an opposite of my own, like we were watching two totally different shows

[doki-doki-imagines]

Tomas asks you to come closer. "Is my new perfume good?" a silly excuse to hold you close. And you do, your warm body against his one. "You smell amazing, as always, tho." He kisses the crown of your forehead, his big hands on your back. "I know, stupid idea. I just wanted to hold you close." Tomas chuckles, voice dripping for embarrassment. That's when you decide to grab his cheeks, looking into those clear blue pools that are his eyes. And you smooch him, lips locked to his ones with a force you are both not used to. But you don't stop there. You start to kiss all over his face and up and down his neck. Tomas is stuck in his place, only being able to receive this whirlwind of affection. "Damn, you are the cutest man ever." You say before delivering one last kiss on his, now reddish, lips. You leave Tomas there stuck on his feet while you walk out the room, still blabbering on how beautiful he looked in your hands. What you won't see is his cheeks getting to a dangerous level of red, one of his knees buckling so his arms have to rest on the furniture, muscles tense to keep his weight up. Tomas' mouth shaped in a 'O', still gasping from your actions. Maybe he could reuse this idea one more time.

[boojangs]

I need to vent for a second, since people keep asking me for updates. And yes, this is a personal vent.

My life is a mess, as I've said in several of my author's notes on all of my stories. And while I owe absolutely no explanations to anyone or anything for any reason, *maybe* this will put things in perspective for some of you impatient folk.

My grandfather is battling stage four cancer and it's spread in his lungs. I don't have a lot of time left with him, and I'm watching this news destroy my mom and grandmother. I want to see him as often as I can, which is not leaving me with a lot of writing time.

I have to get another biopsy because the benign tumor in my head has grown. My neurologist is worried at how quickly it has amassed, and wants to make sure it hasn't become malignant. You know, that same brain that houses my wenclairs? She could be very ill.

I tore every fucking ligament in my left knee a few months ago, that had to be surgically repaired, and PT for it has left me in immeasurable pain. Another time and energy consumer, keeping me away from my writing. I can't walk without a crutch.

My uncle recently passed away without any warning, and my cousin was just killed in a car accident less than two weeks ago. I've watched both of those losses hurt my father, as they're his side of the family.

And because of all of this, my depression has made a VIOLENT EMERGENCE. It's crippling. If not for my girlfriend and my friends, I wouldn't be here anymore. I am so tired but I cannot sleep. Every new drama takes another piece of me with it. I cry all the time. I try so hard to be strong but man, I'm only a person.

I want to write wenclair. I want it. I think about them all the time. TDWW is 99% finished but I cannot focus enough to write the final scene. I want to have YMU ready for next week. TFT and Pandora will be in there somewhere. I need them, they're my strength. I feel as broken as Wednesday.

I'm human, not a content factory. So many of you have sent such lovely words and support to me, and I'm thankful for all of you. The kindness is so amazing, and I'm so thankful. And I know I shouldn't let the voices of the few overpower the good of the many. But I'm not perfect and all of this has left me incredibly vulnerable, so the slightest negativity has been heavily impacting me.

I'll update as soon as I am able, please just have a little bit of patience. 🩷🖤

[nucrests]

Soo these are some random wips I've been currently working on (yeah I know, more wips on top the other wips I have sitting in my wip folders lmfaoo)

▪ I've been working on perfecting Dom's body for ages, well at lest it seems, and I think I'm finally happy with the outcome and how I imagined!

▪ And this is a mini hair set for Carmen + all the accessories! I'm still new to making hairstyles so I'm sure there's a lot of mistakes there. I'm thinking about adding 1 more style but this is what I have for now!