#I'm being dramatic but also no I'm not. it's the autism lmao

[mosspapi]

Bruh I emailed my prof and ta abt this assignment this morning in the way I Thought it would send to both of them together but it looks like it sent it to both of them Separately so now the ta is like "I think it's this but u should email the prof" like I FUCKING DID I THOUGHT U COULD SEEEEE THAT😭 and I don't wanna just not respond to her, but I also don't wanna respond with like "yeah I did email the prof lol" bcuz that seems like. Dismissive. I hate communication I think I should be allowed to never contact another human being ever again with no repercussions

[canmom]

Comics mini-Comints: Dungeon Meshi

reread dungeon meshi through to the end. still such a great manga. here are immediate thoughts - if I end up having time and energy I hope I can write something that goes deeper!

ironically i was only a few chapters from the end when I stopped keeping up, but I was struggling to remember all the characters and context, so reading it through in one go was definitely an ideal way to achieve maximum impact there.

ryoko kui does a very elegant job of handling a transition from 'silly antics' to 'big dramatic fantasy' while still keeping the central thematic throughline - eating and being eaten, belonging to an ecosystem, the significance of sacrificing others to achieve your own desires. a lot of setups pay off in a way that feels meticulously planned - and of course the crux of the final showdown revolves around characters attempting to eat each other, of course the big payoff is a huge feast that symbolically unites all the conflicting factions. it is maybe a bit too neat and happy for my taste, but it's undeniably tightly executed - it never loses sight of what it's about. especially compared to something like Frieren, it's an incredibly coherent serialisation, up there with e.g. Fullmetal Alchemist.

kui's art style deserves all kinds of praise - it feels effortlessly simple, but it clearly communicates all sorts of different shapes and body types and it's really fun to see her play around with remixing the different visual elements when she switches the races around. in general Laius's autistic monster loving ways clearly reflect kui's own deeply felt appreciation for all the ways people and animals live (accentuated further by all the extra sketches the scanlators tuck in). in a way you could kinda call it like Parts Unknown the fantasy manga.

the stakes of the final conflict are interesting - there is much to be said about the framing of 'desire' and its fulfilment, of this occult idea of 'the infinite'. lots you could put in relation to other manga, and also buddhism. (in particular I really want to develop a comparison to Made In Abyss, there are so many parallels, it just might be too spicy for tumblr lmao).

one thing I really like about it is how much its fantasy dungeon-exploring setting owes to D&D and other TTRPGs, rather than videogames. monster ecology has been a fascination of that game since the early days of Dragon magazine, and Kui sharply zeroes in on some of the intrinsic conflicts baked in to that fantasy milieu, notably the lifespan thing, while smartly avoiding the traps of 'evil races'. there's some really fun nods to the weirder monster manual entries. and in a story with so many characters and factions, it does a genuinely incredible job of furnishing everyone with understandable, reasonable motivations, conflicts drawn from their context just like the monsters are explained by their ecology.

and one thing that I particularly appreciate is like... how much it is able to simultaneously understand and sympathise with a character and also show us how and why they'd rub others the wrong way. it's impossible not to like our main group, they're all such charming dorks and the manga leads you along with all the crazy rpg party shit they do, but at the same time you definitely find yourself thinking 'guy's got a point' in the kabru chapters lmao. I'm projecting hard bc i don't really know a thing about ryōko kui but laius def feels like the sort of depiction of having an autism that you can only do if you've lived it.

but yeah, it's a fuzzy ending where it all turns out well. but what's the deeper thrust of it all? there's a funny moment where marcille is like 'maybe in the end our journey is about learning to accept death' and the grouchy old gnome guy completely laughs this off as naive, because death doesn't mean anything. and indeed their big plan pays off, and falin does indeed come back just fine. but still, through all of this it asks you to bite the bullet that being a living creature means eating to survive, at the cost of other creatures, with the other side being that one day you too will be eaten. in contrast to this honest way of being is the beguiling fantasy of infinity, where all your desires are immediately fulfilled - this is shown as a dangerous path of corruption that produces madness and manipulability. having limits and rubbing up against the wishes of others, or 'doing things you don't want to do' as izutsumi's arc puts it, becomes necessary for having some kind of definition as a subject. the thing that makes the demon concrete as an entity is a desire, or appetite, that can't immediately be fulfilled.

of course we can connect this to the idea of narrative conflict. a standard advice for putting together a plot is to ask what each character wants and why they can't get it. wanting something implies movement. and indeed over the course of this story, we see that while having too many desires fulfilled too readily leads to incoherence and callousness, equally a character who is left catatonic as their desires have been eaten by the demon must be reawakened to activity by finding a new desire.

it's kinda Buddhist innit. neither the opulence of the palace nor asceticism. desires are what tie you to the world. but mixed with ecology: what a creature does to find the energy to live is what defines its lifestyle, its form.

this is probably where I'd start talking about entropy gradients and shit if i wasn't typing this on a phone at 1:30am lmao.

but yeah - it's a powerful move to go from 'D&D monster recipe show sendup' to 'living with the inherently violent nature of being an organism fated to live in a finite sum game' and yet Dungeon Meshi makes it feel natural and convincing, while remaining tremendously charming and funny throughout. ryōko kui is definitely some kind of genius, and I can't wait to see what her next act is gonna be. it's all definitely making me appreciate the act of eating a lot more.

next story on my plate is probably The Flower That Bloomed Nowhere, which sounds like it will present a very gnarly thematic contrast.

[zosonils]

Wait, no, actually, tell me about the Scribblenauts timeline. I must be real... I like it too. I love unifying timelines where things seemingly just happen, tell us!

scribblenauts fans rise up >:] to be clear this isn't an attempt to sort out the canon timeline [although if you asked i'd guess unlimited > scribblenauts > super > unmasked based on the few splinters of plot we get] but rather taking inspiration from the scraps of story available to build something new and coherent, although at this stage 'coherent' isn't super accurate lmao it's just islands of solid ideas amidst a sea of autism nonsense

basically i'm deciding that the doppelganger's presence in 10-5 of super counts as a plot and slapping that on top of the more consistently defined world and lore of unlimited and onwards [so kind of what unmasked and the subsequent comic did but batman isn't there], with an added sprinkle of the 'scribblenauts being an actual organisation that maxwell is involved in' thing that never made it past background details in the first game. while unlimited arguably has the most iconic and/or existent plot and for sure i want lily to be a deutragonist i'm not sure how much of it i'll retain because 1. turning your daughter into stone is bad parenting 2. let her tag along and be an actual character instead of a literal rock you cowards and 3. the more super-inspired storyline i have in mind with the doppelganger is probably enough to carry the emotional intensity of a mostly lighthearted story by itself and i don't want to bog things down with too many subplots lol

i'm absolutely reading too deep into this kiddie game but i think the doppelganger as an antagonist of maxwell's own creation reflecting all his worst traits would be super interesting in an environment that puts more consistent and deliberate thought into character writing, so that's the idea i'm basing this autism-powered rehash on. i don't think it's ever actually specified but when i was a little sporelet playing scribblenauts unlimited for the first time i somehow got the impression that starites grant wishes? which is cute so i'm using that as maxwell's motivation to join the scribblenauts and seek them out, that he wants to collect enough to wish for something cool and superficial that a 12ish [?????] year old kid would want. but then after lots of adventures and character development when he's in the dramatic final confrontation with his doppelganger and has matured enough to see him as a distressed kid in uniquely terrifying circumstances rather than just an annoying knockoff he instead uses his wish on giving doppelganger the chance to be a normal kid with a normal life because he wants to make kind decisions now. then i guess they all go home and nobody dies in a scripted ufo explosion

this post is getting toooooo long so i'm gonna try and wrap it up now but god i already have so many ideas rattling around my head for an autism reawakening that could be over in a week lmao. now i'm even sadder that my computer is busted because i want to replay unlimited and refresh my lore so badly..... there's a fandom page [breezewiki sweep though] for the series which has helped refresh my memory but none of the sources are cited it's a nightmare. what do you mean maxwell and lily are twins for the love of god give me a single screenshot or manual scan that mentions this

also i didn't have a good place to insert this but even though edgar and julie having 42 kids is obviously a Silly Joke and excuse to give unlimited some unique characters i am choosing to interpret it as them being experienced foster carers. i don't care to sort through every single character and decide which if any are biologically related to each other lmao but adopted/foster families are swag as hell and there should be more of them in media! it also adds a nice layer to the doppelganger plot - maxwell is more willing to reach out to him because he's seen 'angry bitter kid who will only get better with kindness' in a lot of his brothers and maybe himself, and it gives doppelganger an easy place to go for his happy ending because maxwell's parents are experts at taking in kids like him. didn't want to end this post without mentioning this because i'm already suuuper attached to the concept

[sonicattos]

ah random blurble spouting random headcanons at a random person i follow at 3 in the morning time! -Everyone says Shadow is represented by heavy metal, a lotta people seem to think that the Super Sonic songs of Frontiers would be "better suited" for him, however a lot of the songs in his own GAME are NOT heavy metal, in fact, most of them are electronic rock or full-on electronic jungle, sometimes even trance type tracks. As such, I propose that the genres that would best represent him would be either atmospheric dnb that uses lots of samples, or experimental types of electronic rock. -Sonic would be the type to listen to breakcore (like actual breakcore) to help him focus and Tails would be the type to be like "S...Sonic h...how does this- yknow what, sure, if it helps it helps" -Shadow likes nature. We already know he probably has a soft spot for animals, he loves lavenders, and part of his whole thing is thinking of the world as beautiful in some ways, as Earth itself represents both his and Maria's own personal desires, dreams, and wishes. Despite the fact that he has that edgy emo boy demeanor going on with his looks and his small actions, his overall personality really doesnt actually reflect that much, apart from some of the ways he speaks. However, that can just be chalked up to him enjoying being a bit dramatic. Overall, he's a lot less.... aggressive, than people seem to make him out to be. -To add to the "dramatic" part, I think he genuinely enjoys BEING dramatic, but in the moment he doesn't really realize he is being dramatic. Like, i dunno if this is relatable, but the being "autism funny" thing i go through, where I intentionally do try to be comedic, yet somehow at the same time i dont actually realize i am. I'm stating things I truly think, however i do know that when I say it that way it makes people laugh with me, so I'm cool with it. This is part of why the Shadow in my Paradox AU got into theatrics as an adult, because he's really fucking good at being dramatic and people think he's just a really good actor, but no, he's thinking about actual shit that's happened and channeling his inner drama from that thing into himself saying the lines lol. -Tails often tells Sonic all about how he overworks himself and shit, but he himself does the exact same thing. Whether or not it's something he picked up from Sonic, or just something that happened to be part of him thats a similar trait, is unknown. However, it DOES lead to them both badgering one another over overworking themselves until they both do the "I'll only stop if YOU stop!" thing to eachother before passing out somewhere random. Amy often has to check in on them to bring them out to a couch or something like that lol. -Tails tried to make a robot doggy to act as a "friend" to Knuckles so he could have a buddy on Angel Island whenever he's there for extended periods of time, the robo dog ended up a lil... wonky, though. Think like... a very very weird chihuahua. That's what it acts like. But Tails can't bring himself to "shut it down" because he says it's TOO much like an actual dog and he feels bad for it. They have yet to show Knuckles, so this weird yapper robot that "sleeps" most the day and kinda weirdly wobbles around the rest of the time just kinda.... lives in Tails' workshop. And sometimes bumps into them while they're doing stuff. This dog is also the only thing Eggman outright refuses to destroy when it comes to Tails' creations, even sometimes going out of his way to make sure it DOESNT get caught in the robotic-battle crossfire while fighting the team. Eggman is.... oddly sympathetic toward robotic beings, as seen in a lot of continuities of him where he doesnt just, like.... scrap and replace his "less reliable" robots despite them being, well, less reliable. It's an oddly continuous trait of his and I think it would be funny if a silly weird robo dog were to be his goddamn weakness lmao.

-This is more of a future au, but Amy ends up growing up to be a very witchy type who's genuinely knowledgeable in those types of practices. She's already got those hippie vibes to her, even moreso than the rest of the group lol, so I think it'd check out pretty well! Knuckles would bring her an especially cool rock that looks like a squid and she'd be like "Knuckles those are amethyst crystal points where did you find this it's absolutely stunning??????" And he's like "oh there's a bunch of em none of them looked that cool though". And it turns out that he's been finding cool crystals everywhere, just none of them looked enough like animals to him so he didn't think they were that important lol. But now he brings her the "weird shiny ones" because he knows she likes em so why not? -Sonic and Shadow have a chili dog eating contest and Sonic learns the true extent to the whole "Shadow cant get sick" thing -Just... overall other bizarre shit they compete over. They'd absolutely make a competition out of anything, which they need to absolutely bring back in-canon. They wouldnt always be beating the shit outta one another, but they WOULD be having multi-mile races over the dumbest possible decisions, or having a contest over who can go the longest without pissing someone off on accident lmao.

(tried to give some love to characters besides Sonic, Shadow, and Tails lol. They're all good characters honestly, I love em. Also help me name the robot doggy because i may use that in a possible AU lol)

- i agree with the first one!!! although i feel like shadow appreciates almost all types of music! he hates being perceived so he doesn’t talk about the music that doesn’t “fit his vibe”

-i can see sonic either LOVING breakcore or despising it, no in between and i won’t elaborate

-shadow loving nature is one of my favorites. and there’s no way it isn’t true since it was his and maria’s dream to visit earth. they’ve had to have read books and stuff too! that’s why he’s standing by that tree in shadow 05, it’s “his tree”

-you’re so right about shadow being dramatic. in game canon, doesn’t matter in what game, he’s calm, but when he gets excited or any intense emotion, he starts yelling and says over the top one liners. a more recent example would be in team sonic racing and how he behaves in the game while just talking to someone vs how he acts while racing. he’s so monotone and calm but when he’s competing he’s practically screaming at everyone.

-i hc tails is an intense hypocrite because at least sonic takes time for naps. tails will not sleep for days and still yells at sonic for pulling one all nighter.

-i love the robot dog hc hdjfjd; eggman is a very interesting character because while he literally abuses animals he has sympathy for his robots. perhaps because he designs them with voices and personalities and such. you’d think he’d shut off orbot and cubot by now especially since they’re ruthless to him but no, he still keeps them around. don’t forget sage like jeez he literally just made a human girl and didn’t think he’d be attached?

-i see amy becoming more witchy too!! she already has her tarot cards and her “sonic sense” i’m pretty sure she’s said that she can sense chao as well? or just peoples auras in general? i have this stupid hc that she cursed herself by accident which is why she wears rings, and also why she can turn invisible in 06.

-shadow becomes sick for the first time not clickbait

-i love the competition for no/a stupid reason so much. they kinda haven’t stopped doing that, again, in team sonic racing sonic challenged shadow to a race because he wanted to help shadow on a mission i think.

[aintmyjewelry]

How did you end up getting diagnosed? Was it a long process with a thousand dollar test or could you get it another way? I'm looking to get tested

(apologies, this is a pretty long post about the process but I hope it helps!!)

So for my diagnosis, I went through a neuropsychological center to get a neuropsychological evaluation and I initially went bc my therapist suspected ADHD but I tacted on the ASD testing because my mom has always been suspicious, haha (I think you have to go to a neuropsychological center for ASD but don't quote me on that)

The process was both long and not long. I initially reached out to the center to set up an appointment in late November. However, due to anxiety, I was really slow at responding to their emails and following up. By the time I was able to kick myself into gear (which was around Christmas), the closest appointment that worked with my schedule was in early March (March 10). I also had to set up an intake appointment (March 1) and then a follow-up appointment (today, March 22). I also had to provide my health insurance information right away before they set up any appointments.

Everything kind of happened quickly from there. There was a LOT of paperwork to fill out prior to my intake appointment. This included family history reports, self-reports (just symptoms I'm experiencing and such), contracts/agreements, etc. The paperwork is probably the most exhausting part especially if you ever feel like me and ur like "should I really be doing this? am i just being dramatic?"

I had to have the paperwork in before my intake appointment and then for the intake appointment it was like about 30-45 minutes and mine was with a postdoctorate student (the psychologist was out of the office that day). He basically reviewed the paperwork I had submitted and discussed what I was concerned about, what symptoms I was having, etc.

At the end of the intake appt, I was sent MORE paperwork lmao but these were like questionnaires (they covered both ASD and ADHD). They asked me questions about how i personally felt, my habits, some of my interests, socializing, empathy, etc. I was asked about the current day and childhood. My mom was also given questionnaires and I think hers were also a mix of current and childhood behaviors.

I had to hand in the questionnaires the day of my testing so I did that morning and then went in for testing. Testing for me was about 5 hours long and it was exhausting. It can be even longer depending on what tests you are going in for and if they have anything else they notice and want to explore (with ur permission). But mine was just one day, it went from about 9am-2pm and I had a break for lunch.

The evaluation itself was a lot. They described it as a "stress test for your brain" and they were NOT kidding. It was a mix of puzzles, electronic tests, verbal tests, memory, some tests on paper, etc. It was a lot but my tester was very nice and patient.

That then brings me to today which was my "feedback appt" where I met virtually with the psychologist and he walked me through results of EVERY test, including the questionnaires I and my mom completed. He gave his initial interpretations (as I have discussed in other posts lmao) and was very thorough and answered questions. It was about an hour long. I was not prescribed anything or referred for any treatment. I am not sure if that comes with the diagnosis stuff or not but, in the meantime, I will be seeking out my own psychiatrist to discuss medications for the anxiety and depression factors my psychologist noted (and boy were they high, he was stunned).

I now basically wait for the formal diagnosis papers which can take 6-8 weeks, give or take.

One thing I did not like about the place I went to is the psychologist was very much into "differentiating" the "types" of autism. For me he used the term "Aspergers" a lot which I don't like for many reasons and it generally is not a term autistic people use anymore (I especially didn't like that he called me an "Aspie" and called autism the "trendy phrase" - it was kind of weird). It's all just under ASD. and he eventually specifically described me as ASD level 1 which is in the DSM.

Now, as for the COST of everything, I have insurance through my parents, I am still under their plan. Going into this, I didn't know if my insurance would cover it at all. This was very much something where I was just gonna bite the bullet and do it for my own sake. As I said previously, they asked for my insurance right away and bc they moved ahead I assumed they accepted it (their website said they took my insurance as well but my insurance can be weird lmao). There was a $50 fee I had to pay up front that insurance would not cover (it was for testing materials). Without insurance, the whole thing came out to be over $3,000. WITH insurance, I will be paying about $1,100.

I am not sure if there is another way to go about getting a diagnosis. I am not sure if psychiatrists can do anything when it comes to this. I think psychiatrists can but you have to go to someone who specializes in ASd. My therapist recommended I look for a place that did neuropsychological evaluations because they will look at like ur whole brain basically (not literally tho lmao there was no tests like that) and if it wasn't ASD or ADHD they can suggest other things. so that is why I took the route I took!

But, yeah, that was my experience. I hope I laid it out all okay - if you have questions please feel free to ask, I can try to answer them but, fair warning, I might not have all the answers 😅

[bisluthq]

https://www.tumblr.com/bisluthq/761446650477707264/margaret-is-the-real-life-version-of-a-manic-pixie?source=share

For a while I was very manic pixie dream girl, but like a more subtle version of it because I don't like being the centre of attention and I couldn't afford to put pink streaks in my hair lmao but I do like indie and undiscovered things and was always suggesting new shit to friends who were like how do you find this? And I am very whimsy head empty or contemplating the meaning of life and parallel universes while dancing in the supermarket because my song came on the radio and why can't I dance?!

Anyway then I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD and it was like ooooh lmao. Obviously not everyone on the spectrum or who has ADHD is like this, this is just my experience. and when I can get the stimulants, I'm a lot quieter because the noise of the ADHD has been turned down which brings out the autism side more of needing stability and predictability, compared to not being able to focus on anything and needing a LOT of stimulation. And I didn't know that my "ability to chameleon" was actually masking the autism and being so nervous of acting the wrong way that I just mirrorballed my way through life.

Now whenever I see the MPDG in art, I always just think they're ADHD coded, sometimes also ASD coded lol. But idk I just felt like sharing with the class cause it makes me laugh.

I think some “quirks” we see in fiction are definitely signs of neurodivergence! With MPDGs it def seems ADHD coded and maybe ASD coded as you say. With a lot of “dramatic” or “crazy” female characters it seems like it could be Borderline Personality Disorder. Idk lol I think while it would be cool for more fiction to expressly state this, sometimes seeing people act “differently” on screen (but like them) could encourage people to seek out diagnoses I think maybe? Congrats on yours!!

[vizthedatum]

Being publicly closeted, poly, masking autism, and in love with my queer, poly, (undiagnosed) narcissistic ex-spouse.

Before I met my ex-spouse, I was dating a lot of poly people because I desperately wanted to also be publicly out as poly... and to learn how to do it more ethically. I already was doing it, between committed monogamous relationships... and in monogamous relationships as well (labeling and negotiating them as "open relationships" even though my partners subjected me to the "one-penis-policy" WHICH I HATE AND IT IS UNETHICAL IMO).

It was kind of a disaster with my ex-spouse. I thought we could work through it. Initially, we were doing fine. It was a relief to talk to them about it throughout our whole relationship - from the very beginning. I didn't know about "The Ethical Slut" or anything like that before I met them. They had experience, and I trusted them. They were supportive of my crushes, and I remember one time at a con, they really encouraged me to ask someone out (I didn't because I went into sapphic panic and just was awkward... omg I went to her booth/station so many times; it was too gay and too unreasonable lmao)... and my ex-spouse thought it was cute and I thought they were being supportive.

I couldn't deny many parts of myself after I graduated with my PhD. Like my gender-fluidity/non-binary identity... I really needed TO EXPLORE my gender, and it's been really eye-opening and relieving to accept how much I want to transition. Being more open about my gender exploration and identity has helped my dysphoria and mental health A LOT A LOT A LOT. I'm so much more comfortable with my breasts (to the point of liking them beyond aesthetics) because I know that I will use them breastfeeding and then either chop them off or get a massive reduction afterward... I'm so excited about top surgery. But I'm also happier with them now, in general. I've always loved lingerie and the fashion aspect of them - and I do have physical sensations, so I don't mind having them incorporated into intimate sexual sessions.

But like... in the midst of my relationship breaking down with my ex-spouse, I remember declaring in early spring of 2022... that I'm going to practice polyamory. There were several reasons. I wanted to explore my situation and feelings with my (now ex-partner) friend who had feelings for... and I did, and I'm glad I did even though we broke up. I had a massive MASSIVE crush on my ex-gf (and I want to date her again, and I'm still in love with her). I'm also heavily into kink, and I wanted to go back into that world. But it wasn't just about having sexual relationships - it was actually being more true about my innate approach to relationships (I identify as a relationship anarchist). And well... I also had other relationship, sexual, sensual, and life needs/wants/desires that weren't being met in my relationship with my ex-spouse. It didn't affect my love for them, but I wanted to be more free.

Being more open with gender and my innate desire to be openly polyamorous... along with having more stringent boundaries with my family... HELPED ME BECOME HEALTHIER.

My real glow-up started when I started accepting and living my life the way I wanted to. My physical health (even though it's pretty bad sometimes) improved dramatically.

And I truly wanted my ex-spouse in my life. That's why I wanted to get married. But I was severely gaslighting myself about how they treated me... and all the help they needed but weren't getting.

I begged them to get help. I begged them to help me more. I begged them to have the permission to have other people help us. I begged them to listen to my epidemiological expertise on our covid-risk and acknowledge how much mental health harm we did to ourselves by isolating so hard.

I know I say this a lot, but I would have stayed if they had sought mental health help, stopped emotionally abusing and controlling me, stopped playing mind games with me, respected my physical touch boundaries, been more open with their family about how much help we needed due to both of our disabilities, took me seriously about our mouse problem, went to couples therapy with me, ...

I would have stayed. I thought that love was about patience and being supportive.... so I did. And then I started standing up for myself.

I didn't lie to them. I didn't cheat (in my honest opinion). I did fall in love with people (before and after being publicly poly!). I tried to compromise and work for our relationship. I tried so hard. I came up with possible solutions while they just wanted me to do whatever they said without any negotiation. They imprisoned me. They trapped me. They yelled at me constantly. They ridiculed me. They made me doubt my own mind. While being disabled and needing support. While supporting them. I wanted to support everything for them. I even supported us (even though they also somewhat financially helped) financially after they left their job to find a better one... during the pandemic! I drove, I cleaned, I tried to organize, I paid bills, I looked out for their health when they barely cared about their health let alone their hygiene, etc. I loved them so much.

And then, after unmasking who they truly were, they threw me away.

[mosspapi]

Committing an Autism Cardinal Sin (having my coffee at 2pm instead of 3pm because I won't be home at 3 but still want to have coffee today)