#I'm fine tho Don't worry

[sapphire-drawings]

You gotta survive, Wilson

No explanation, just wanted to draw him bleeding and take a break from grinding other stuff

[altocat]

I take two seconds to go outside to clear my sinuses aaaand...

Someone's unleashed german shepherd launches itself at me. Guess who's in the ER getting dog bite-shots tonight? My mom likes to joke I'm a lightning rod for bad luck. It's true!

Anyway, mild writing delay. Let's see what the doc says. Fun fun!

[gluttonemporium]

Oof ow, mouth hurty-

[teaboot]

if ur a murderbot nerd now do u have any fun opinions abt it yet?

Oh my goddd you have no idea

I really, really, really like Murderbot because it comes at life with this perspective we don't often see that is very real among people who have already been through traumatic experiences, who developed skills and abilities to suvive that were once useful but no longer have context- that search that traumatized people go through to recalibrate and reorient ourselves in a world where we no longer really need those things to survive.

A bit personal here, but my own issues personally involved a lot of psychological abuse that made it difficult to trust my own perceptions of reality, and as a result I found I was very easy to lie to and manipulate.

To handle this, I became obsessive over writing things down, cataloging details and making notes of things as they happened- I'd carry recording devices and make audio recordings and stay up late at night to transcribe what they'd picked up, read those over and over again to reassure myself of things I wasn't certain about.

While doing this, there were others close to me that I felt responsible for, who I had to protect from others and protect myself from at the same time. Life was about two things: Evidence, and defusing threats

Over time, I learned to trust myself as my memories matched what had been recorded where their narrative didn't, but I never really kicked the habit. Like Murderbot, I had added something to my own programming that reassured me I was safe, that I was in control of myself, that I couldn't be mistaken or crazy or broken or used.

I'm only on book two, but already I see myself in Murderbot again. No spoilers here, but when I left home- left that dangerous context- I didn't need to repeat these patterns to survive anymore, but I still did, because I didn't know anything else anymore. It felt safe, comfortable, knowing knowing that the past couldn't repeat itself, because I'd written that flaw- blind trust in myself-  out of my programming and replaced it with something else.

Still, though, I'd become something specially suited to thrive in a very specific environment. Nothing else felt right like followinghigh-risk situations, like witnessing and watching and recording and knowing I had proof of the truth where others might not.

People took notice. I wound up in security by accident, but's an environment that I thrive in due to the same patterns and behaviours I originally developed when I had no other choice. I climbed the ladder pretty quickly, once supervisors caught on that my reports were the most accurate, most objective, most factual, detail-oriented and timely. I keep others and myself safe and prioritize public safety above all else, and I perform well under pressure

Now I'm in a position where I often wonder, do I enjoy this job, or is it just what I'm good at? I have a set of skills now, but do I have the option of choosing not to use them? What would I be, if not this? Could I be anything else? Can Murderbot be anything else?

It has a set of skills that set it apart, make it different, special. It does what it knows best. But is it free? Does it want to be? What does it want? Does it have to do what it was built to do? What if it didn't?

I know what I'm good for. The idea of deliberately leaving what I'm good for for something uncertain, that I might hate, that I might be useless at- the choice to give up what was so important to me for so long and become deliberately obsolete?

Let go of my entire purpose? The only thing I know, that I fit so well into but don't actually know if I enjoy? Now that I can choose? Now that enjoyment is a luxury I can afford to consider?

Yeah, that resonates.

I like the Murderbot series so far because it feels the way I feel: Like the most significant and formative part of my story, the part where I became what I am, has already happened

And now I have to just. Keep going

Into... what?

It feels absurd. Like a microwave giving up on reheating food and deciding to start a life around abstract dance.

So, uh. Yeah. It's really very wild to see this same philosophical-ish dilemma I've been digging over in the back of my mind and in therapy for the last forever laid out so plainly in a genuinely exciting and enjoyable story like this. I feel much less alone, and I... kind of really need to see how it resolves, I think.

So, uh. Yeah. Read Murderbot, I guess

[sysig]

Blood sugar levels (Patreon)

[anormalkidingotham]

i just watched nightwing do a triple backflip off my neighbour's roof and land directly on his face while robin watched and laughed

[the-selfinsert]

Guys I think I might be developing an addiction to that little blue notification on the activity tab. Help.

[kindahoping4forever]

Hello friends! Just a quick kh4f programming note: I'll be out of commission for most of, if not all of today, as I'm having a minor medical procedure done. (Outpatient, everything's fine, dw! 🫶🏻) So if anything notable happens (fully expecting Ash to announce ai2 the second I'm sedated 😌) and I'm MIA... that's why lol. Try not to have too much fun without me! 😘💙

[h0dge-p0dge]

i got covid

still ballin tho ⛹️‍♂️⛹️‍♂️

[uncontrol-freak]

I wish I could worry about things like wrong matcha order or being understocked in my favorite soda brand instead of wondering whether I will wake up in the rubble or wake up at all

[ying-dawdles]

sigh. had to give in and leave my door slightly open for the cat my roommate's pet sitting for cause she's not here rn and he keeps meowing and scratching at my door and I feel bad-

[luminescenthunter]

I can't bear to think of the thoughts, feelings and conversations that must have been had amongst Ariane and Elster, as well as themselves, after they saw the 3,000 cycle mission paramater update.

And after that- as time went on, then Ariane eventually being put in cryo and elster getting sick and dying...

I don't really have any big thoughts atm it just makes me SAD. That sort of situation is not an easy thing to go through in either of their positions.

Partially related: Knowing the whole thing about Ariane getting sick and put into cryo at some point always has me think back to that one medical pod in the hospital(?) area that had a woman laying in it.

Elster comments that it's hard to look at her. And, not knowing anything at the time, I thought, "That's understandable. Medical stuff like this is really tough to handle" + empathy/sympathy etc. Which can still apply! (And ofc the thought that maybe it's connected to something I didn't know about yet.)

But now the dots are connected and I can't help but wonder if it was extra tough for Elster to see that sort of thing *because* of what happened with Ariane.

[koka-mi]

I had a dream about me being in a collab cover with some guy from good omens and two other ppl xD we sang overmaster from idolmaster and I was pretty young (around the time I started covers sooo 11-12??)

Weird tho idk anything about good omens I've never watched the show nor do I plan to—at least the cover got popular bcz the guy from good omens was in it BAHAHEJA

[burning-academia-if]

Progress Update

Just hopping on to give an overview of where everything's at! The prologue is currently at 13k words! I have two and a half scenes left to write, but only because I keep adding scenes LOL I'm guessing it'll end up around 19k words at the end.

I've also spent time working on the CSS and HTML side of things. I'll say for now I'm using a template, but once I get a hang of coding in regards to Twine I'll probably change it up post-prologue release.

Finally, I'm not sure how often to do progress updates? I'm thinking monthly for now, but we'll see!

[sysig]

By the skin of your teeth (Patreon)

[ficsforeren]

hii kana, hope u and your family are doing okay, if you’re okay answering this, i just wanted to ask you how was pregnancy for you, i’m so scared of all about it, and about how my body will look after, did you worried about this?

Hi, sweetheart!! My family and I are doing just great, and I hope you are too ❤️

Read below the cut cause this ended up as a super long answer LMAO

Honestly, I was so scared too, Nonnie 😭 I had a planned c-section for my second time (cause I had c-section the first time so my doctor recommended me to do so) and even then I couldn't sleep at all the night before. I don't want to lie and say it was easy cause it definitely wasn't. During my second pregnancy, I could only eat white rice and boiled eggs every single day cause that was all I could eat (I always threw up if I forced myself to eat anything else), and during the first three months, I couldn't even climb down my own bed without help. I was nauseous all the time, and very emotional. I got hospitalized for two weeks, got treated in the ICU where they took my blood three times a day even from my feet and it hurt like hell 🫠 Fortunately, my family (especially my husband) were so supportive throughout the process so it wasn't as stressful as it could've been for me.

Hmm I don't think I've ever worried about how my body would look like, probably because I was worrying more about giving birth and my baby health's condition (now THIS is stressful. as a mother, it kills you to see your baby get sick and newborns are so vulnerable so during the first month I just felt like crying all the time cause my baby had jaundice, and we had to do a surgery cause she couldn't feed properly and she lost a lot of weight, so we went to the hospital for like once every 3 days, it was a lot, both mentally and financially 😭)

when I had my first baby, I gained 15 kg (33 lbs) but I lost 13 kg in less than 6 months due to breastfeeding. I don't like exercising, all I did was taking care of my baby and doing chores but I still managed to get my normal weight back so I don't think you have to be concerned about gaining weight (if that's what you're worried about). even right now, my baby just turned two months old and I've lost 7 kg (I'm hoping I can get back to my pre-pregnancy weight in the next 4-5 months hehe)

but your body will look different, that's for sure. I got stretch marks all over my belly, some on my breasts too, and they're still there though they don't look as nasty anymore. And of course, I also got my c-section scar but they don't matter much to me. I actually feel proud to have these marks/scars on my body 😁

If you're worried/scared about being pregnant/giving birth/being a mother, trust me, you're not alone. I'm a mother of two children and I'm still scared, but also, the joy of being a mom is truly something else. I used to hate the idea of getting married, let alone having a child of my own (rough childhood lol you know the drill) but after I gave birth and I held my baby in my arms, I was so, so happy. And that was just the start. The first time they smiled, the first time they laughed out loud, the first time they called me "mama" and the first time I kissed my son goodbye before he went to school... so much happiness in every little thing and I'm so grateful for it. so what I'm trying to say is, it's normal to be afraid, but believe me, it will all be worth it 😊