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#I'm so anxious about this surgery y'all
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I just found out I have to be at the surgery center tmrw at 6:30 am to check in 😭😭😭😭 and my procedure is at 8. And only liquids for 24 hours after that 💀
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caputvulpinum · 1 year
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Hello, tumblr! I mentioned this in my stream last night with my friend and collaborator @lakemojave, but here is the official tumblr announcement: I've started a fundraiser to pay for GAS that I can't afford on my own.
I...try my best to appear pretty unflappable on this site, because my online persona relies on that. But about two years ago I was harassed by TE/RFs and no matter how much I tried to forget or get over it, there was a comment that a 17 year old made towards my appearance the has probably been the most devastating thing I've ever felt, and ever since that insult I've grown steadily and steadily more disgusted and anxious about my appearance--specifically my hair.
As an AMAB trans person, I'm of course going to experience male-pattern baldness. Even in cisgender men, more than 75% of them experience some form of heightened anxiety and dysphoria due to hair loss or fear of it. I don't know how those numbers change when talking about trans people, but I can't imagine it's not even higher.
In the interest of full transparency at the cost of, frankly, my pride: I have reached the point in my dysphoria where I am growing to be borderline suicidal. I've struggled with suicidal ideation since I was a young teenager, but this is the first time in over a decade that I've reached a level where I am terrified what will happen when it gets worse.
And so with all that said, I've started a fundraiser on PayPal to try and raise money for my gender-affirming care. Y'all might remember me from the Great Soy Sauce Conspiracy of late December of last year, and maybe also how I stopped working on the project due to mental health reasons. I remember how kind all of you were when I was struggling with living newly on my own trying to afford food and things like convection plates, and it's my hope that I could rely on you all to help me again.
With that said, I've made the decision that if I am able to fulfill this fundraiser's cost...I'm going to pick back up The Mysterious Appearance of Miss Appleton and finally finish it once and for all...in video essay format, because that feels most appropriate to me. I think I'm going to be ready for it this time.
If you've read this far, thank you so much. If you need it, though:
TLDR: I need to get myself gender-affirming surgery because i'm getting real close to suicidal over my dysphoria. I've made a fundraiser for it. If the fundraiser is successful, I'm going to finally finish the video essay for The Mysterious Appearance Of Miss Appleton. Thank you for your time and your help.
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theveryworstthing · 8 months
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I'm Alive
I posted this on patreon so I might as well post it again here. Hopefully current and past patrons see this as well as people who have just been generally curious about where I've been.
I'm very sorry for not being around and I'm very grateful to those who stuck around. To those who didn't, I get it and I truly appreciate you passing through. 
Last year and the beginning of this year have been pretty bad. Some of you might have heard about my grandma's death and sadly, she was just the first of the family losses in the time I've been gone. There was also a friend's death discovery, my parents' health tanking, my friends Going Through It, and my own physical/mental problems. I didn't want to talk to the internet about these things because they were/are very overwhelming and private and tbh I used all my energy to help with the household and make sure work got turned in on time. When I had spare time after dealing with the near constant disasters, I didn't really feel like interacting with the internet at all beyond using it as a way to talk to far away friends (mostly to give them the thumbs up that i was alive) or watch/read things when my brain was less scrambled. Social media was an absolute no go and I didn't have any non-work art to post so I just kind of mentally crawled under the porch to die lol. 
I only drew work related things for months due to extreme burnout and it took me almost a month off after my last job to remember how to create again. I couldn't draw or write, it was kinda like art block except it was more like nothing was there at all? It's hard to explain. 
Things are still happening but I need to get back in the saddle eventually so here I am. 
I'm going to post the little art I did in June and all the sketches I did in January when I re-learned how to draw for myself. Again, I'm so sorry for being away without saying anything and I'm grateful to whoever threw me a buck, or even just casually enjoyed my art. Leaving like I did was really irresponsible and there's no excuse for not at least making a post about all of this sooner.  Every month I got a patreon payment was another wave of guilt because I literally couldn't give y'all anything but at the same time that money was letting me book flights to funerals and keeping my mom comfortable while she recovered from surgery right after I spent a lot of my savings in 2022 trying to fight my late cat's cancer. And then not posting about what was going on made me more anxious as time went on because there was more guilt every month so I felt like I needed to come back with a bunch of art and energy and good reasons and it was just. A Mess. 
But anyway.
I'm alive, I'm back. The Horrors persist, but so do I.
Thank you for your patience.
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I just think you're weird for suggesting ai should be an alternative to anything when y'all can't even treat Humans correctly. Like did y'all forget?
The only reason ai exists is so they don't have to pay a fucking human for the same job.
"yeah but I'm embarrassed when I rp"
You should be! It's fucking embarrassing! So what???!
"I can't make art tho"
Then don't!!!
I'm 10000000% convinced that it's privilege that makes people believe that just because you Want something then you should be able to do it or have access to it even when you have No meaningful way of accessing it yourself.
Like when people get pets when they literally aren't even home enough to take care of it so they use those dystopian ass software to train their dogs when they aren't even home. You know the ones that even spit a treat out at them?
Like???? That dog deserves a real fucking person to take care of it and to Spend the Time training it. What the fuck is the point of having a dog if your TV is the one doing bonding activities with it?
It's just for you. The dog's needs are secondary to what you wanted because those needs were inconvenient for you.
AI is no different and the arguments y'all have for it are largely fucking gross.
"I'm too anxious to interact with real people and I'd inconvenience them or something so I'll just use this ai"
Cool so now we're opening up a gate to push care for disabled and mentally ill people off on AI? Cuz you know who Else is seen as too inconvenient to be worth someone else's time?
What the fuck?
And y'all are enabling that "well it's true they would be a bad rp partner."
ITS RP NOT SURGERY WTF ARE YOU EVEN SAYING RN???
Maybe learn some fucking patience? The fuck you mean you'd rather someone talked to fucking AI???
We as a society have FUCKED UP when people are suggesting and enabling AI should deal with people nobody else wants to.
Why doesn't anyone else want to?
Can AI tell you that? Can AI fix that??
The worst part is that AI should be cool. It should be an amazing fucking step forward and instead it's racist and half of y'all act like it's a crutch for having no fucking interpersonal relationships/skills and it's NOT.
I say this as someone who is in fact physically disabled and mentally ill as fuck, okay? I'm not super young either. Like I am, and will continue, to lose my ability to do things and never in a fucking million years will AI be a stand in for a Real Person's talent or skill or help.
Society can't handle taking 30 seconds to put on a mask before they walk out the door and you DONT want me to be upset about all the "helpful" things AI can do?
We wouldn't even need AI if people could afford to go to school or had time to learn to paint or could afford the supplies or had the healthcare to go to therapy or had more people In school to Be therapists or had access to a writing class or-
Hayao Miyazaki was fucking right and more people should be saying it.
“I would never wish to incorporate this technology into my work at all. I strongly feel that this is an insult to life itself.”
AI exists because capitalism's very nature is to exploit humans to our fullest extent. Now capitalism doesn't even fucking need humans to create products. We are the product they use to train our replacements.
And this is.....okay with y'all?
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skiptomy · 3 months
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Y'all I don't know what the fuck to do right now. My cat Avalene, who I've had since she was a kitten, has started to get so anxious around our other two cats. We're not sure what started it but it's gotten worse over the last six months.
We've taken her to the vet a bunch, we've gotten her a special diet, had her on meds, got pheromone plug ins, made sure all the cats had plenty of play time, they have fancy litter boxes and they are cleaned regularly.
But she clearly has a bladder issue and won't stop peeing on the floor, on any clothes or towels or blankets she can find, she pees on the couch, and worst of all, on beds, even when you are in them.
She's still eating, she drinks normally, she's active and still just as loving as ever. I cannot overstate how much I love this cat and how much it breaks my heart that we are even starting to consider that she just might need to be re-homed. If she would be happier and healthier in a single pet home that's just what we need to do.
Our only other option is probably surgery and daily anxiety meds, but that's not something we can afford. Right now I'm late on rent and haven't had money to buy groceries except like ramen and canned chicken at the dollar store. I would give my whole fuckin world for this cat but there's no saying that she'll be okay after all that. I just feel so hopeless about everything, and I don't know what to do.
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up-in-flames-writing · 6 months
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Gods, I wanna talk about shame today.
I want to talk about fear & shame, & the anxiety that comes from shame.
I'd like to think I'm a shameless person. That I'm proud, that I killed that part of me that cringes years ago, but I haven't.
I'd love to believe that I'm like a rock, unable to be torn down, but even rocks erode under enough pressure & isn't that a quaint & overused metaphor, but that's part of my old shame I don't let bring me down.
But I feel so much fucking shame about who I am, as a transman. About my body, about my looks, about the way I present & hold myself, about my dreams & aspirations & fuck it, even about my fantasies & desires.
I've been harassed SO many times already, that I think by now my friends are sick of me telling them of yet another harassing ask I've been sent, or the latest argument I've gotten into about being trans.
I've become so fucking shy about sharing my experiences, of sharing my work & my stories & my thoughts & feelings with people I don't know & trust, & even with those I trust I find it so much harder to interact. I've been yelled at before in real life for daring to bring up my issues, been ignored by ciswomen in conversations about my very body type to the point I was scared to even remind them my body worked like that. I've been harassed by droves of r a d f e m s & what have you because I dared bring up my issues as a transman, I've had my way of speech, my beliefs, my disability, my sexuality insulted when those weren't even a part of the damn conversation. And still I somehow haven't blocked everyone who thinks its ok to send me passive aggressive asks, death & assault threats, & what have you, it's like there's a never ending drove of these sick fucks.
And fuck it, I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that I love my body. That I'm excited to start T in July, that I want to get bottom surgery but not top, that I one day want to bring life into this world & be a dad. I'm ashamed & anxious & scared, even if you wouldn't be able to tell that just by looking at me. Because I stopped caring about how I dress, & started caring about how I look beneath my clothes & FUCK does it piss me off.
I envy everyone with enough bravery to put themselves out there every day, to put this shit out there with their whole chests, cause I'm not there yet, & I dunno when I will be there, I just know that it's a slow process & I will get through that process like I get through everything:
With anger & a smile, & ready to use my voice to yell.
Fuck y'all for making me feel ashamed.
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dadzawa004 · 1 year
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⚠️ hospital /surgery mentions
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Hey little ones. I don't think we can get to our inbox today, as we're In the hospital to get surgery on our heart again. Please don't worry, we are fine and recovery should be fine as well. It's just we don't have energy and In two hours we're going into surgery. (Honestly I'm struggling to Write this)
I know this is probably TMI, but I get anxious whenever we can't answer an inbox within a few days or so. We've gotten over 8 inboxes within a day, plus about 3 more? I love Interacting with y'all, I just need time ^^' I've read all your Inboxes, and I promise that I'll answer when we wake up again (also we might be lacking in posts so we can recover. That's Also why we're making this to update everyone)
Stay safe, please stay hydrated if you can— love you all dearly
-🖤
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misswoozi · 8 months
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Y'ALL I FINALLY HAVE MY ORAL SURGERY TOMORROW!!!
Longtime followers know I spent quite literally all of 2023 dealing with one bad tooth that resulted in tons of procedures and pain and complications and appointments and tomorrow is the day they take this stupid tooth OUT.
And I am terrified 😂 I'm glad this will finally be over but I am super anxious about many different parts of this and I'll be in bed with pudding and pain pills for a day or two after SO...
Please, if you can, spam my inbox! Short asks, long asks, NSFW, SFW, AU stuff, K-Pop, non K-Pop, whatever! Please give me some stuff to focus on, some asks to answer, some conversations to have for the next few days while I deal with this nonsense.
(And if you're in the US of A, please stay safe and warm! Snow, ice and freezing temperatures in the forecast for most of us)
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misteria247 · 9 months
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I just realized that I didn't really give y'all an update much on my surgery so here it is. Beneath the read more:
For context, this surgery was for a pilonidal cyst. Which is a cyst that develops at the tailbone/lower back and it's highly painful to have. I'd had this pilonidal cyst since I was 12 years old, just starting sixth grade. And had gotten surgery on it twice within my lifetime. Once during sixth grade, and the second time occurring sometime during my final years of high school/shortly after graduation. The surgery I currently went through again on Monday was the third time I'd gotten it for the same medical issue, which I'd been informed could actually come back later within my lifetime. But that's another can of worms for another day. Today is about the update for those who wanted to know.
The surgery went okay. However the cyst in question was a lot bigger and a lot deeper than the team of surgeons originally thought it was. So to put bluntly, they don't know if they'd managed to get it all out because of this. It's basically a only time will tell type of scenario, which I'm hoping and praying that it stays away for a long time. Anyways because of all this, the surgery also took a lot longer to complete. I'd ended up getting done around 3-3:30ish when it was supposed to be about ninety minutes or so. So they did the surgery on me and so far it seems like a success.
During the day of said surgery I was alone during the entire day so I was really anxious and on edge. But God was looking out for me because my actual surgeon who was performing the operation, had asked to pray over me before I'd be taken back. It was honestly incredibly revealing and it gave me a major comfort I didn't even realize I was lacking till he was done praying. And also one of the anesthesia doctors was pretty cute, and I managed to get him to laugh twice. It was quite an achievement lmfao.
Anyways I'm currently recovering from the surgery. I got to go home the same day, and I've basically been taking it easy and taking my pain medication when I'm in dire need of it. Been having some troubles with my legs and hips cramping up and waking me up randomly in the middle of the night, but we're working through it.
Hopefully things will go okay and I'll be as good as new in no time.
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reyphorian-art · 2 years
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Coming Out
hey so fun fact i'm also getting back into writing so y'all get snippets of what i'm working on now
Turning away quickly, wanting to give him a little bit of privacy, Rey started to pull their shirt up, then hesitated. They hadn't come out to anyone in Pelican Town or East Scarp yet, outside of Lewis who had known about them since they were a child. Granny Evelyn and George were old and Rey wasn't sure if they even remembered them from the few times they'd visited their grandpa with family, or even put it together that Rey was the same child they met. They had no idea how Sterling or Mia or anyone else would react but… neither of them seemed like the kind of people to reject or make fun of him for who he is. Won't know unless I try it. He told himself, taking a deep breath and pulling the shirt off the rest of the way.
After peeling off the rest of his sopping wet clothes and laying them over a branch, he sat down next to Sterling in the sun on a large rock beside the stream. Rey pulled their knees up to their chest and hugged them loosely, lost in feeling anxious and wondering if Sterling would notice the scars or say anything.
"Hey farmer, you doing okay?" Rey looked up at hearing Sterling’s voice, seeing mild concern in his expression.
"Huh? Oh. Yeah. I'm okay," they replied.
"You sure? You’ve been kinda quiet."
"Uh… Just some stuff on my mind I guess." Rey wasn't sure how to say it, telling him outright, 'I'm trans,' felt too strong and straightforward. There was never an easy way to bring it up any of the times they had done so before but at least they could decide when they wanted to come out to someone. This time it was completely unplanned and they were running every possibility through their mind, hoping to find the best way to bring it up.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked. “It’s okay if you don’t.”
"Well, I uh. I guess I'm feeling a little bit self-conscious right now," They started to say, looking across the creek to avoid eye contact. "Nobody else knows about it but Lewis, and that's because he knew about me as a kid from my grandpa. He figured it out after I got in contact with him about moving here and realized I was the same grandkid he'd been told about all those years ago."
They paused, taking a deep breath, "I dunno if you figured it out already or not but um. I'm trans. I grew up raised as a girl and one day I realized I never really felt like one and that the self-image issues I had weren't just the "normal" ones everyone around me said girls going through puberty get. Not even being a tomboy felt right like they said it would. So I got my name and gender changed, had top surgery, and I take hormones to feel like my body and my identity finally belongs to me."
Things were quiet for a moment before Sterling spoke up, "I don't think there's anything wrong with that. You're being you. Sometimes I wish I could have half the guts you do about some of the things that go on in my own life." He laughed, then continued, "It means a lot to be the first person here that you've told."
"You don't see me any different from before, right?"
"Nah, you're still the cute farmer boy that always brings me the best field snacks in the world whenever he pops by Pierre's. Nothing's gonna change that, and I doubt for a second that Mia's gonna feel any different when she gets back with those dry clothes," He grinned. Rey blushed at the compliment and looked away but felt themself relaxing enough to stretch their legs out and lean back against their hands resting on the rock.
“Hey, Sterling,” Rey paused for a moment, “Please don’t tell anyone else about this and if anyone asks please don’t answer. Part of why I haven’t told anyone is because I wanted to know what it’s like to be in a place where nobody knows who I am or who I used to be, only the me that’s now. I don’t want people to see me for something that I’m not.”
"Hey, no worries, I get it. I promise I won't tell anyone else," Sterling smiled at him.
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theoutlawfaleena · 2 years
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FUCK IT HEADCANON DUMP FOR YA >:D
König worships bodies, not so much of a sexual way cause I'm not quite 18 yet (5/6 months hurry up >:/)
But in the way of "oh you have stretch marks? I will kiss each and every single one of them"
Big or small that man CAN AND WILL MAKE YOU FEEL LOVED‼️‼️‼️
Insecure about something? OH NO NO NO THAT WON'T FUCKIN DO
BRO IS GONNA KISS YA TILL YA CAN'T BREATHE NOR THINK ABOUT THAT BS
He is absolutely the type of man who can't talk for shit cause he over thinks EVERYTHING but that won't stop him from treating you like a fuckin deity
For my trans folk, me thinks he would kiss surgery scars oh so gently mhm‼️ let's be honest he will probably make a couple mistakes (human nature) if he knew you before the transition but WE ALL KNOW HE DON'T MEAN IT AND WILL SPIT OUT 100s OF APOLOGYS AND COMPLEMENTS WITHIN A MINUTE
For my fellow neuro-divergent folk (can probably be read as ADHD or Autism I might have one or both I'm ngl) getting overwhelmed by sounds, textures, etc. MAN WILL BE BY YOUR SIDE SO FUCKIN FAST‼️ he might be terrified of touching you (worried it'll overwhelm you more ᗒᗩᗕ) but in gentle whispers only for you: "everything alright? We can leave", "deep breaths, it will be okay liebling (darling)", "I'm right here, if you need to you can hide behind me, I'll cover you if you don't want to be seen"
CLIMB THAT TREE OF A MAN LIKE THE SQUIRREL YOU WERE ALWAYS MEANT TO BE‼️ HE THINKS IT'S ADORABLE AND LOVES TO SHOW OFF‼️ HE'S JUST TO ANXIOUS TO SHOW HIS STRENGTH ON HIS OWN TIME‼️ HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEEM ARROGANT IN FRONT OF YOU BUT LET'S BE HONEST THAT'D BE KINDA HOT HUH 👀👀👀
Anyways, I don't usually write there's probably like 23 fuck ups throughout this but thought I'd share some of the love - also I'm not trans but I haven't seen much on AO3 for my trans friends and wanted there to be more (hopefully good) food for y'all to devour ♡
AAAAAAAA I LOVE THESE SO MUCH THEY'RE ALL SO SWEET 🥺 ESPECIALLY THE LOVE HE WOULD HAVE FOR HIS PARTNER'S BODY HHHHH U KNOW HE WOULD THINK THEY ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING TO WALK THIS PLANET
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apocalypseornaw · 4 years
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Ending/Beginning
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For the enemies to lovers square on @girl-next-door-writes make me feel bingo
Inspired by the show revolution (sort of) y'all I'm nervous AF to post this cause it's reader x OC but i hope y'all like it
Word count: 10,247 it long
Warnings: Cursing, violence
The apocalypse, the end of the world. Everything as it was known coming to an end. No matter how you wanted to describe it that time was now. You never would’ve dreamed that the end of the world wouldn’t have been fire or ice. No the world ended a lot quieter than that. No dead rose, no monsters crawled out of hell. Electricity simply went away, all the power sources that ran everything went off grid. You watched as the world slowly plummeted into turmoil. You had your group, all of you would fight to the death for each other, you believed that somehow humanity could survive the problem was not every group believed as yours did.Good and evil, things that at one time had clearly been black and white were now washed in shades of grey.
You were on guard duty, walking the length of the walls that surrounded the compound you called home. A team had left a few days before and had yet to return. You were getting more anxious as the days drug on. You finally spotted movement towards the east and ran quietly along the wall so as to not bring any alert to anyone walking below. When you spotted the group missing some of its main members breach the treeline you felt the knot in the pit of your stomach double in size.  “OPEN THE GATES” you screamed quickly climbing down the ladder running the moment your boots hit the dirt to meet the horses as they came inside. “Where are they?” you asked Sam before he ever got the chance to dismount. Your eyes flicked across the group that were with him clocking the injuries on each person, Sam included. You’d grown up with the Winchesters brothers, all three of you practically being raised by Bobby They were the closest thing to family you had and Dean’s absence along with Charlie’s and Garth’s was glaringly obvious to anyone. 
“We were ambushed. They took them and left a message for Bobby” he explained coming to stand next to you before handing his horse off to someone else so they could see to it that the animals all of you had come to rely on was taken care of. “Which is?” you pushed but he glanced around at the growing crowd “Not here, come with me” you followed him through the compound not falling behind despite his height advantage on you. You had a feeling what fate had befallen your friends and the rage gnawing at you was growing larger every second that passed. 
When Sam grabbed your arm and pulled you into Bobby’s quarters he glanced up from cleaning a gun and smiled when he saw the two of you but his face quickly fell when he realized Dean was not in tow and that Sam had visible injuries. “What happened?” he asked and you cut your eyes at Sam silently echoing the same question. “Kaper’s men. They found out about the power core” “SON OF A BITCH” you growled kicking a chair across the floor. 
Josiah Kaper was about the furthest you could get from Bobby as a leader went. Where Bobby was trying to push for a way for humanity to somehow dig itself out from under the shit show that had developed in the world Josiah wanted nothing more than to find a way to benefit from it. 
He had three sons David the oldest who from your run-ins with him honestly didn’t want to be associated with his father’s name he’d even helped you out of a tight spot years back when everything started falling apart in the world. Then was the middle son Jonah who was ruthless and heartless. You had a scar running the length of your left arm from the only run-in you’d ever had with him. Had Dean not been so quick on the trigger you wouldn’t have walked away, a few members of your group hadn’t. Dante the youngest son who was closest to your age you’d never had any run-ins with but this attack was personal. Bobby wanted the power core to develop a better hospital system. You’d lost a few people simply for the fact that without any power source the doctors you had didn’t have the equipment they needed to perform some surgeries. Not to mention having to stay off the radar of the militia, didn’t want any of them getting it in their heads that your group had anything they may want.
Dean had figured out a few alternatives but even the best mind couldn’t solve everything on it’s own. Josiah on the other hand, you could only imagine what he wanted with the core. 
“Give me a team, we’ll get them back without having to deal with Josiah” You spoke without a second thought. Either of the three they’d taken would come for you so you owed it to them. “What’s your plan?” Bobby asked so you shrugged “They know I’m one of yours, same as Sam and Dean. Makes a bullseye on me so I play decoy while my team locates and releases Dean, Charlie and Garth” “And if they manage to get their hands on you too?” Sam questioned so you shot him a wink “Oh ye of little faith. Don’t worry Sammy they’ll never get close enough to lay a finger on me” Bobby stared you down for what felt like an eternity before nodding “Ok but sweetheart do me a favor?” “Yes sir?” you asked so he half smiled “Make it back in one piece”
"I'm coming with you" Sam spoke and you shook your head motioning to the visible marks on him "No you're gonna go to medical and get checked over. I'm going to go poke around and see if the ones I have in mind for this are up to it, I have no doubt they will be but I still give them the courtesy of asking" 
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You knew Alicia and Max would be at the front of the line to volunteer to go as soon as word spread. They had long since been your best friends and considering Charlie was Alicia’s girlfriend there would have been no leaving the twins behind even if they hadn’t been on your top pick to go. 
Kevin and Claire were easy picks as well. Kevin, that damn kid you swore could blow up a mountain with some baking soda and vinegar. As fair as for Claire there hadn’t been a lock you met she couldn’t get through fast and easy.  Rounding out your band of misfits as Bobby so lovingly called you all was Benny. He was a big dude, a damn good fighter and not scared of a lot. 
“So what’s the plan?” Sam asked looking at the map you’d spread out across the table in his and Eileen’s quarters. “I know Kaper and I know Dean. If they’re managing to actually hold him, Garth and Charlie, it's gotta be here” you pointed to a building near the northern wall of Josiah’s compound. “The problem is where as we as a group try to steer clear of the militia, he supplies them with pretty much anything they want to look the other way on him pilfering anything he can from the old power sources that’s been uncovered where the rest of us are barely scraping” “So you’re looking at the possibility of heavy firepower” Eileen guessed and you nodded glancing up to make sure you were facing her as you spoke “That’s where I come in. I draw their fire so to speak here” you pointed to the end of the compound furthest from the building you suspected your people were being held in. “By yourself?” she questioned and you knew she didn’t like your plan anymore than Sam or Bobby had. “I’ll be fine Eileen. I promise. By the time they realize I’m there everyone else will be in position. Once they have our people I’ll draw them out further and chunk a few of Kevin’s presents out amongst their ranks just to stir some fun up”
“And if something happens to block your path back around to meet up with everyone else?” Sam asked so you shrugged nonchalantly “Well I can honestly say I will make em earn it and I fully expect the lot of you to give em hell in return” “You’re insane” Eileen reasoned and you smiled at her “That, my dear is part of my charm!”
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Kaper’s compound wasn’t set up much differently than the one all of you lived in, the only difference being where when your compound was first established you went for the comfort of the many while it was clear Josiah went for the comfort of himself. His people had well enough living quarters but the building in the center was twice as plush as everyone else’s and while there were guards on their walls the same as yours he also had guards in front of his quarters.
The cement building against the northern corner of the wall was where they kept prisoners. There had been more than one scouting mission around Kaper’s compound to have a basic understanding of what was where. Luckily for your group there was a series of caves not far from the compound that could offer you shelter off the main road while you strategized one final time before actually putting your plan into action.  
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You tied your horse Helios at the head of the cave then walked deeper in where Benny had built a low fire. He was crouched down looking at the map you’d gotten Alex to sketch out. “Tell me this plan one more time” You could feel the twins and Claire watching you when Benny spoke. Kevin was doing some final touches to his part of the plan so he was preoccupied. You squatted next to Benny and pointed towards the prisoner quarters. 
“That’s where they’ll have Dean, Charlie and Garth” he nodded so you then pointed towards the eastern gate that was closest to Josiah’s quarters “I’m going to get their attention here, draw the main guards out. I’ll use a few of Kev’s low grade toys so as to cause more chaos than actual loss of life, just enough to make everyone look at me. In the meantime all of you will head in over here” you pointed towards where the western and northern wall met “There’s a weak spot unless they’ve fixed it in the last month which I seriously doubt. Even if they did, Kev has a corrosive to make a hole big enough for all of you to slip in, find our people and get the hell out” “Promise me one thing though darling?” he asked so you tilted your head to look at him “Name it Lafitte”
“If something goes south where you’re concerned wait for me at the gate because the moment Dean finds out I agreed to let you do this I won’t be far behind”  You offered him a small smile “Oh come on now he won’t kill ya” he raised an eyebrow that was clearly a nonverbal way of disagreeing but Kevin walked over about that time and handed you a canvas bag “The pipe bombs won’t cause a lot of damage but if you get in a tight spot grab a few of the round ones and chunk em. They’ll take out anything within a ten foot blast zone” You thanked him then stood up and glanced around. Claire held your gaze for a moment while both twins gave you a sharp nod “I’m not one for rousing speeches so I’ll just say wish me luck and remember if all else fails give em hell and make em earn it” 
Claire rolled her eyes “Christ Y/N, Dean gives better pre-fight speeches than that!” you shrugged “And that is why I’m going to get him back” 
------
You stopped at the perimeter of the treeline that was your last bit of cover before the guards would spot you. You and Benny had agreed on a five minute mark to make sure they were in place. You pulled the old wind up pocket watch out of your jeans and glanced to see it had been exactly five minutes. Well now or never.
You clicked your tongue and Helios trotted forward. The guards spotted you the moment you left the cover of the trees and hollered “STOP THERE. WHAT’S YOUR BUSINESS?” you stopped but slid your hand into the canvas bag “I CAME TO DELIVER A MESSAGE” you lit the first pipe bomb and chunked it over the wall. It landed at the first guard’s feet causing him to topple backwards down to the dirt.
The guards and inhabitants of the compound went into a flurry of motion so you rode down the wall throwing just enough pipe bombs over to ensure every guard was paying attention to the “threat” at the eastern wall and not the rescue party at the northwestern wall. 
Once the gates opened and guards started pouring out, some on foot but most on horseback you lit one more pipe bomb and threw it in their general direction before hollering “CATCH ME IF YOU CAN ASSHOLES” then clicked your tongue again gently kicking Helios' sides as she took off at a gallop for the trees hearing the shouts of the guards following you. ‘Good keep all your eyes on me’ you thought to yourself as you leaned down closer to Helios to avoid limbs that were threatening to whip across your face as you rode deeper into the woods.
------
Benny and Claire had told you they didn’t need longer than eight minutes to get in, find your people and get out. Of course playing a game of solo mouse versus about twenty guards who were the cats was easier said than done.
Helios went around a tree and muscle memory alone was the only thing keeping you on her back. You fumbled for the watch again and saw six minutes had passed. Christ you still had two more minutes to keep them close enough that they would stay in pursuit but far enough that they couldn’t catch you. 
You were getting close to the lake that was nearby so you headed in that direction. You had two pipe bombs left in the bag and two of those round ones for a tight spot as Kevin had put it. When you got close to the water’s edge you slowed her enough to let the guards catch up slightly and muttered a prayer under your breath before throwing one of the round ones into the water’s edge then kicked her sides again. She tore out in a gallop and you could feel the water from the blast hit your back followed by a lot of cursing. From the sounds of it you hadn’t killed anyone but you’d discouraged their chase and hopefully disoriented them enough that by the time they got back to the compound the smoke would have cleared. 
------
Dark was falling and they’d never attempt to go after all of you once it fell completely. You had the advantage, your people were more used to the dark than Kaper’s because you only used the power sources you had sparingly. Your plan was to double back around to the caves where everyone was waiting for you. Benny was under strict orders that if you weren’t there within ten minutes of them arriving to knock Dean out if need be to make him leave you behind.
You didn’t expect to see a lone rider waiting not far from the lake. You thought your eyes were playing tricks on you when the large black horse first moved, thinking it was a trick of the light and a shadow. A horse that size shouldn’t move that quietly.
You clicked your tongue and tugged the reins in the opposite direction but when Helios pitched the other way the black horse simply gave chase. Shit who the hell was that? You could hear your heart beating in your ears. You had no choice but to lead whoever it was away from your people. There was no telling the shape everyone was in considering if they managed to keep those three contained they may have even gone to the extent of drugging them.  
You had to slow when you got into the thicket of the woods because in the lowering light you could barely see where you were going. You felt something hit your left shoulder hard a half second before you were falling from Helios trying to brace yourself against the shock of the fall. You grunted when you hit the dirt then rolled to be in more of a defensive posture. You could hear the other horse slow before the sound of boots hitting the dirt hard met your ears.
You clicked your tongue trying to get Helios to circle around but before you could get back onto her you heard someone say “I’ll be damned, a woman did all that?” you spun to face the voice and cursed when you saw the gun pointed loosely in your direction. He was a couple inches taller than you, nice athletic built and clearly a fighter. There was still enough light you could make out the bit of stubble gracing his jaw line and the way his eyes held you made you fight the urge to look away. There was something vaguely familiar about him.Hell had he not been pointing a gun at you and from Kaper’s group you would’ve called him attractive but at the moment he simply had a target on him for you to figure out how to get out of this spot with both of you still breathing. 
“And to think we’re called the weaker sex?” you replied with a defiant tilt of your head despite the fact that his gun was out and pointed and yours was still resting at your lower back. He chuckled slightly “You’re one of Singer’s. Y/N isn't it?” you smiled and held your arms out “How can you say that for certain that I'm not just simply a thief that happened along at an opportune time?” “Because I know for a fact that Dean Winchester along with two more of Singer’s group was in our grasp”
It suddenly hit you why the man across from you looked vaguely familiar “You’re Kaper's other son” he nodded slowly “Dante Kaper at your service sweetheart” You narrowed your eyes at him “Stow the sweetheart bullshit. I’ve got a scar from your brother and I was one of the lucky ones that day. I know the type of man you are” He nodded then motioned to his horse with the gun in his hand “Well in that case why don’t you hop on up there?”
“Kill me first, that’s the only way” He reached out to grab your arm and you let him because you knew getting close enough was your only chance of getting free. He pulled you back against his chest “I don’t want to hurt you but the same way that your people hate mine, you just blew up half our wall and knocked most of my guards on their ass” “Oh well” you muttered before throwing your elbow back as hard as you could at his midsection and was rewarded with the sound of his gun being dropped to the dirt as a grunt left him “Should’ve known it’d be a hand to hand thing”
You  spun around to face him and narrowly avoided his return blow. You swung on him but he caught your arm then swept your legs out from under you when you went down you managed to kick your leg out as soon as your back hit the dirt and it connected with his leg. “Son of a bitch” you groaned, pushing yourself to your feet. You started to make a run for it but Dante recovered faster than you would’ve hoped. He was on his feet and grabbing you before you could make it two steps. 
The moment he spun you around to face him you swung and connected a solid punch to his jaw. He staggered just a moment then kicked out and managed to connect with your stomach. You went with the blow letting your own momentum take you down. You were counting on his arrogance being his downfall and that proved to ring true when he came to stand over you “Guess you can’t hang with the men huh sweetheart?” “Don’t you wish” you replied, kicking out hard to catch him dead center in the crotch.  The moment he went down to his knees you took off running and whistled for Helios. She came running up so you hoisted yourself onto her back “Let’s go” she galloped away and you could barely hear the hollered curses from Dante as he faded from your sight.
------
When you got closer to the caves you checked the time that had passed and cursed under your breath. God if they had to knock Dean out to get him to leave you behind it was going to get really messy when he came to. 
You slowed Helios down to a trot and whistled the tune you and Benny always used when you were on the same team. After a few seconds you heard the whistle repeated so you urged her forward.
You hopped down at the head of the cave and saw the other horses tied up. You tied her next to Claire’s horse then walked into the cave entrance. The moment you came into view you were snatched into a hug from Charlie. “Y/N!” you couldn’t help but smile at seeing her mostly unscathed. There were clear signs of the fight when they’d been taken but beyond that it appeared as though Kaper hadn’t attempted to torture them. You’d gotten there before that point. 
Once she released you Garth was there slapping your hand in a high five “Now that’s what I call a rescue mission ma’am!” you winked at him but your smile quickly fell when Dean stepped away from the corner where he’d been talking with Benny. Your eyes skimmed across him clocking the cut over his eye, the bruising on the side of his face and just how bloodied his knuckles were “I call that insanity. What the hell were you thinking?” you grimaced slightly at his tone bracing yourself before saying “I call that pulling your ass out the fire, same as you’ve done for pretty much all of us” 
He studied you for a second before a grin split his face and he pulled you into a hug “Kid you are completely insane but damn I would’ve loved to see Kaper’s face when those pipe bombs started going off” you touched your stomach where you caught a boot from Dante and Dean tracked your movements with his eyes “What happened?” Benny who had been silent stepped up behind you and when he touched your left shoulder it was only then that you realized the branch that had knocked you off Helios had torn through your jacket and shirt. “I officially met Dante Kaper”
“Did you kick his ass?” Max asked and you shrugged “I’d have to say that meeting was fifty, fifty. I got away from him because he underestimated me and got kicked in the family jewels as a reward for it” Alicia covered her mouth as she laughed “In that case I’d say you won it” You glanced around eyeing the lot of them. Out the rescue team from the looks of it none of them had even been in a fight. Benny’s knuckles weren’t even bloodied. Kevin was a little windblown but that was because he’d been at the forefront of any explosions they’d set off. “All of us are in one piece and can make it home. I call that a win” 
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Ninety percent of the time you tried your best to abide by what few rules were in place. You as one of Bobby’s surrogate kids had to be on your best behaviour to show everyone else in your compound that all was treated equal but when a meeting was being held to arrange an escort to Denver for a supply run to the encampment there and you weren’t invited it more than pissed you off.
You stood in front of the meeting room door for several minutes trying to talk yourself out of what you were about to do. It didn’t work of course. You started to walk away then said screw it and shoved the door open. Bobby,Sam, Dean,Benny and Jody were sitting around a table marking the route off. “Took her longer than I thought it would” Benny admitted with a nod to Dean.
Jody raised an eyebrow at you “Y/N? Bobby said you weren’t feeling too well” you cut your eyes at Bobby who shook his head “Don’t even start kid. You know you can’t go on this run” “Why not? When have I suddenly become persona non grata?” “When you went a few rounds with a Kaper” Dean answered for Bobby.
You barked out a harsh laugh then drew the chair from next to Sam and sat down “Then I guess you nor Charlie nor Garth is going on this run either then? Because while they didn’t see the crew that busted you out they know you got out” 
Sam sighed and turned slightly in his chair to face you “Still turns back around to you Y/N. Since they in fact didn’t see the crew they probably assumed you set some sort of timer to bust the whole in the back wall before getting their attention on the front. Them taking the three of them goes against the agreement set forth by the militia so they can’t exactly report it but they more than likely have a grudge against the person who blew half their wall up and knocked most of their guards and one of Kaper’s sons flat on his ass”  You leaned forward on your elbows and glanced around the table.
Dean and Benny immediately shared a look from the expression on your face and Bobby closed his eyes with an exasperated sigh before you ever spoke “So you’re telling me that lil ol me gets the credit for pulling off a rescue mission, destroying their over the top wall that wasn’t even very functional to begin with and kicking Dante’s ass all on my own. Hmm sounds to me like I need to go along Kaper’s men may think twice about messing with the crew if they spot me with them”
“If we don’t let her go we all know either she’ll saddle Helios and follow us anyways or get into something worse” Dean finally said and Jody winked at you “Well you boys may need some backup” “Don’t encourage her!” Bobby groaned then waved a hand at you “Go grab your gear. Dean will round up everyone else” you stood up and winked at Jody before walking out.
------
You were riding behind Benny towards the back of the wagon. It would be left with the encampment so the trip back would be cut by a day. Everyone was talking to whoever was closest to them or just keeping an eye on the surrounding area. Once the supplies were handed off and inside walls the militia weren’t as prone to mess with them but out here in the open it was a more free game.
There was a reason why you, Alicia and Max had spent weeks mapping out the natural caves along any routes all of you took. If you couldn’t find an old building with a garage area for the cart you would park it inside of the cave then make camp outside of it where anyone looking to steal would have to go past whoever was on guard at the moment and everyone sleeping.
“Benny you got this for a minute?” you asked and he cut his eyes at you and nodded “Yeah I got this darling. Guess you’re gonna poke at Dean a lil bit?” you grinned and clicked your tongue so Helios headed in the direction you pointed her which was the head of your group where Dean was looking as stoic as ever while keeping an eye on his surroundings.
He barely acknowledged your presence but you knew that he knew you were there. “Are you really mad at me for getting you out?” you asked and he shook his head. 
You knew he wasn’t but you were going to make him say the words out loud. “I’m pissed off at you for putting yourself at risk like that. What if those guards would’ve caught up with you? Or what if Dante would’ve actually won that fight?”
“Then you would’ve come and got me. It would’ve gone a lot bloodier than my method but I have faith that worse case scenario you would’ve made Kaper regret the day he was born” Dean was quiet for a moment before finally looking at you “Y/N..dammit you’re in the same category as Sam. I can survive losing a lot. I don’t know if I can survive losing either of you. Before you say it I know you’re plenty capable. I’d rather have you at my back then most men I know but that doesn’t change the fact that if you would’ve gotten killed saving my ass..I would’ve slaughtered every man in that place” “What about the women on his guard?” you asked and he narrowed his eyes “Don’t be a smartass just say you see my point” 
“I see your point but that’s the same reason why I couldn’t leave you there. Dean you almost killed Jonah. If I hadn’t been bleeding that bad you would’ve. You’re a high value target for Josiah so I’m not gonna attempt to lie to you I’d do it all over again but I do honestly see why you got pissed at me so can we call truce now?” he nodded and held a hand out so you shook it with a laugh “Glad we got that settled now let me get back to my post before Benny starts talking to his horse again”
------
Your group was about two days away from the Denver encampment. You’d stopped to make camp for the night. There was an old housing development that got abandoned when the end happened so it was a bunch of half built houses that had been mainly reclaimed by nature. There was one at the end that only had a few finishing touches to the place so that was where you picked for the night. The cart was parked in the garage so everyone made beds around it. All of you had slept in worse places.
“Y/N you and Sam take first shift then wake me and Benny up for second shift” Dean announced so you nodded in agreement as you pulled your jacket onto your shoulders “Aye aye Cap” then nodded at Sam “C’mon Samuel” he shook his head with a laugh but followed you out the side door of the garage that led back outside.
------
The full moon was nearly bright enough you could read by it. You were on your third trip around the house keeping an eye on the perimeter. Every time you’d pass Sam one of you would tell the other some stupid joke or random fact to pass the time. There was only another hour left of your guard shift then you could take over Dean’s bed to catch a little sleep before finishing the last leg of this trip.
Once the cart was dropped off your group didn’t have to take the main road home and weren’t as high value of a target for the militia or the road bandits. Even in this day and age you had people that would rather steal then even attempt to provide for themselves in a halfway honest way.
It was a bit disappointing that the one thing you could still count on was that mankind could still be major douches regardless of the time. You were thinking of another weird fact to tell Sam considering your fact of what raccoons could fit inside of made him swear to sleep on his back from here on out every time he slept outside would make you laugh for a week.
A movement towards the woods a few houses down caught your eye. You weren’t quite sure what it was but actually hoped for bandits versus Militia or any of Kaper’s men. You knew Sam would be coming around the corner of the house in a minute and if you mentioned it to him he’d want to check it out with you but you couldn’t leave the house completely unguarded.
You whistled one sharp note and Sam whistled back before coming around the corner quickly “What’s wrong Y/N?” you nodded towards the treeline “I think I saw something. I’m gonna go check it out. Don’t leave guard post unless you hear me scream then feel free to tell on me to Dean and bring everyone running deal?” He followed your line of sight then looked back at you “You’ve got exactly two minutes” you grinned at him “I only need one Samuel” then headed towards the treeline being careful to make your footsteps as quiet as possible.
You reached for the knife at your side. You had your gun tucked at your lower back but if it turned more into a close quarters deal the knife would be a better option. The moment you stepped into the shadows of the trees you felt a hand grab you and you were slammed backwards into a tree. Before you even focus to try to see the assailant you had your knife at their throat.
You realized you were looking up into none other than Dante Kaper’s dark brown eyes “You know you’re something else Y/N” he grunted flinching slightly from the pressure you had on the blade. “Been called worse by better Dante” you replied putting as much venom as you could in your voice and he smiled despite the fact that you were nearly drawing blood “You need to move your people. The militia is headed this way. They’ll be through before daylight”
“How do I know this isn’t a trap to make us move so your people can attack us down the road?” you asked and his grip on your arms tightened slightly “If I wanted your people dead I could’ve shot you and Dean's brother then burned the garage to the ground besides I kind of like having someone around to give me a run for my money. Makes life a lot more interesting”
“And why do I tell Dean we need to move? Can’t exactly say a Kaper said so” you replied easing the pressure slightly on his throat. He glanced down at the blade then slowly released your arms “You’re a resourceful woman. I’m sure you’ll think of something” you stared at him for a few breaths before putting your knife back at your side “If this is a trap you better hope they kill me fast because I’ll make sure you regret it” he had the audacity to wink at you before saying “See? Now comments like that make me want to keep you alive just because that much fire deserves to be fed”
He disappeared into the woods and a few seconds later you heard his horse moving away and cursed yourself for not clocking that big of a beast. “You bastard” you whispered to the night then realized the two minutes had more than likely passed so you quickly breached the tree line again to be back in Sam’s line of sight before he could wake Dean up.
He ran to meet you halfway “What was it?” you shook your head “I don’t know but we need to move. We’re close to a few caverns we can make it to one and still rest a bit before hitting the road again” he stepped in front of you before you got your hand on the door leading into the garage “Woah Y/N if it was nothing why are you hell bent on moving?” you met his eyes and took a deep breath “You trust me right?” “Of course” he answered a quick reply built on years of both of you trusting the other’s instinct. You hated lying to him but something told you Dante was being honest and you didn’t want to chance the supplies that were desperately needed in the Denver encampment being confiscated. 
“Let’s get them up then” you finally added so he stepped to the side and simply followed you into the garage.
------
Surprisingly enough when you woke Dean to say you felt like your team needed to move he didn’t even attempt to question you. He simply gave out orders and the lot of you moved silently through the woods to the caverns you’d pointed out on the map.
Once everyone was settled back down at the cavern though you noticed that Dean and Benny both had pulled Sam to the side of the group and the three of them kept throwing glances in your direction. What were you supposed to tell them if they questioned you further? That you were taking an enemy at his word because why exactly? You weren’t even sure yourself why you’d believed Dante besides the fact that he was indeed telling the truth that had he wanted any of you dead it would’ve been simple enough to do.
You pushed the thought out of your head and curled up next to Helios for the night. By the time the sun was peeking out onto the ground your team was already on the road once again. 
------
“So successful drop off done now for the trip home” you said riding between Sam and Dean. Dean glanced over your head at Sam and nodded once. You watched as Sam fell off and matched his pace with Benny instead no doubt giving you and Dean room to talk or rather Dean room to question you.
You remained silent for a few moments before saying “Well get on with it” he cut his eyes at you then looked back ahead of him “Get on with what exactly Y/N?” you sighed running your fingers through Helios’ mane “Asking me why I moved us in the middle of the night” “And why exactly was that?” he questioned and you felt a knot in your stomach start to form. On one hand you didn’t want to lie to Dean about anything but on the other hand you’d done the one thing all of you had sworn to never do..you trusted a Kaper. Even as far as David Dean simply avoided.
You shrugged “I just had a bad feeling. Best case scenario we ride back through and nothing is touched meaning I overreacted to a bad feeling” “But if we ride back through and proof that the militia has been through is there I’ve got to explain why you’ve either suddenly grown psychic powers or why the little birdies flying around have decided to start conversing with you” 
You were stunned into silence simply because you’d never actually had Dean accuse you of anything. It was a strange feeling but you also became acutely defensive “What exactly are you accusing me of?” you asked and he turned fully to look at you trusting his horse to remain on the path he’d been pointed “Someone was in those woods last night when you went to check it out. You can lie to Sammy but you can’t lie to me. Who was it?” At your silence he cleared his throat then looked back at Sam who came up to join the two of you yet again “Sam you and Benny take lead. Me and Y/N are gonna fall to watch the rear and have a little chat since she’s apparently now being shy of groups”
You cut your eyes at Benny when he came up to take your spot at the head of the group “You good darling?” you nodded once then clicked your tongue to get Helios to follow Dean. 
Once the two of you were at the rear of your group with no possibility of anyone over hearing a conversation Dean got his horse close enough to Helios that had the two not been around each other for so many years they never would’ve willingly rode that close “Now talk to me.You know I’ve always backed you up but I need to know who told you we should move?” you sighed and refused to meet his eyes but answered “Dante” you barely looked in his direction but saw his jaw clenching and unclenching “Please don’t be mad at me Dean. I had my knife to his throat but he had a point. He could’ve fucking sniped me and Sam then barbequed the rest of you if he had wanted to!” 
“So? What are you trusting him now?” Dean’s voice was sharper than you’d ever heard it pointed at you. He reached across the space between the two of you and snatched your jacket off your left arm to show the thick jagged scar that started at your wrist and disappeared underneath the short sleeve of your shirt “His brother did this! I found you nearly dead. Sam held you in his arms the entire ride back to our doctors and you know what? I heard him pray Y/N! Who the hell he was praying to in all of this I don’t know but we thought we would lose you. We lost Jo, Ash and Rufus that day! A Kaper did that! Out of every possible enemy in this world the god damn Kapers have been a thorn in our side for longer than anything! You really think you can trust him? Even David is only passable because he got away from Josiah and we haven’t heard anything from him since. Dante went back to his daddy’s compound and probably reported that Bobby’s girl was stupid enough to trust him!”
You felt hot tears spring to your eyes at his words. You turned your head stubbornly so he wouldn’t see them and took a few deep breaths before replying “I don’t trust him Dean but I had to weigh the options and protecting all of you was the most important thing” your voice broke slightly as you shrugged your jacket back up on your arm. Dean reached as if to touch your shoulder but you flinched away from him “Not right now Dean. I know you just want to protect me but I just can’t right now”
“Chief, are we checking it out?” Benny called from the front nodding towards the path that would take you back out to where the housing complex was. Dean looked at you then announced “Everyone wait here for a few. C’mon Benny” you watched them ride off then locked eyes with Sam. The look on his face alone was enough to ask if you were ok. You gave a sharp nod.
Within a few moments Dean and Benny were rejoining your group. You didn’t look in Dean’s direction when he came back to ride at your side but he still offered “For what it counts the militia destroyed it and left their mark” “Why did he warn me?” you asked honestly shocked that Dante’s warning had rang true. “That’s the question isn’t it?”
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The moment Bobby heard that Dante had reached out to you and in fact actually told the truth about the militia coming through you knew that would be the end of you being allowed out on any day to day tasks. You had no idea why he’d even been in that area that night or how he’d located your group let alone why he’d want to actually protect your group. Hell you’d fought him the first time you met him then that knife had drawn a line of blood from his throat while he gave his warning. It was a predicament to say the least and and left you feeling like a fucking leper considering only Sam, Dean and Bobby knew so to everyone else they simply say you sticking close to the compound with no good reason as to why.
You were helping Donna and Jody in the armory trying to simply keep your head down until Bobby and the boys forgot about it and let you out again. “What exactly did you do?” Jody asked sliding more shells across to you since the three of you were currently making more bullets. You shrugged knowing that you very well couldn’t tell another soul that a Kaper had saved your necks. You absentmindedly scratched at the scar on your arm and Donna covered your hand with her own “You know that’s a bad nervous habit sweetie” you shot her a small smile “I think I’m just going a little stir crazy. Even just to take Helios out to stretch her legs I’ve got to take Benny or Max and Alicia with me” “Whatever happened those three will get over it soon enough kid. Just keep pushing they love ya” Jody added with a wink.
------
It went on for a while until you were on guard duty one day walking the length of the wall when Xavier, a rider for a nearby compound which happened to be where your hospital set up was, came riding up to the gate. “LET HIM IN!” you hollered climbing down the ladder to meet him.
When he saw you his eyes flicked around nervously “Y/N.. Dean or Sam around?” you shook your head “No but what’s going on Xavier?” he swallowed hard “They’re on the way to do a walk through of our compound. We don’t have the power core completely buried yet” “Shit.Dean,Benny  and Sam aren’t due back till dark” his eyes looked like they very well may pop out of his head “We have an hour tops” you knew that if you came out on the other side you’d never hear the end of it and that was the best case scenario. 
You nodded to his horse “How fast can it move with two riders?” “Fast enough” he replied. As you were swinging your leg up behind him you heard Max holler your name. Xavier glanced back at you but you simply shook your head “Ignore him. Let’s go” you rode out of the gate motioning for it to be closed behind you already planning in your head a dangerous route but if it came down to it you would do what was necessary to save the most amount of people.
------
Dean was seething with anger and underneath that was the fear. The fear of being too late this time. The fear he’d find you dead. Dammit why did you have to be so fucking selfless? When him and Sam had met up with Max on the trail back he knew something was wrong then when Max told him the last he’d seen of you was you riding off on the back of Xavier’s horse he knew the worst was yet to come.
He rode up to the gate of the compound that housed the hospital set up “OPEN THE FUCKING GATE!” He didn't slow down and rode directly up to the door before climbing off his horse and nearly took the door off the hinges as he stormed inside with Sam and Benny close behind. 
He spotted Micheal the doctor that was over the place “Where is she? What the fuck happened here?” The place was a mess but most of the equipment appeared to be whole. There was evidence a fight had happened and your presence or the lack thereof was a sore thumb along with the puddle of blood in the center of the room.  “Dean you got to know I tried to stop her! I told her to stand down but she refused. She was determined to draw their attention from the power core” the shorter man was clearly scared and for good reason. Benny knowing Dean how he did managed to catch him before he broke the good doctor’s nose “Dean brother we need to hear what happened before we kill him” 
Micheal looked at Sam who shrugged “They’re not gonna kill you” When Micheal almost looked relieved Sam quickly added “But we may make you wish you were dead cause you’re probably gonna have to put yourself back together if we find out you hid while they took Y/N” 
Benny let go of Dean and had a hand around Micheal’s throat in the blink of an eye “Now doc me and you ain’t never had an issue but that girl is like a sister to all three of you. What the hell happened here?” “Jonah was with them” Micheal breathed out and Dean felt his blood run cold.
They never planned this to be an inspection. Josiah and Jonah both knew the one way to get at Bobby, Dean and Sam was to go after Y/N. “Son of a bitch. They were probably watching when we left. He planned the walk through to draw her out knowing she’d never stand by”
Benny dropped Micheal unceremoniously to the floor. “Go over what happened and don’t leave a word out” 
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Everything hurt.You knew the moment you’d spotted that chestnut horse amongst the inspection crew that it had all been a lie. You’d been lured out and played directly into their hands. “I’LL KILL YOU” you growled diving at Xavier. You’d trusted him and he’d betrayed all of you. “Sorry Y/N they gave me a better offer than being an errand boy”
You had your hands around his throat when the door was kicked in and you heard a gun cock “Y/N let him go or I’ll kill them” you looked up to see a gun pointed towards Micheal the top doctor and Erika the top field medic. You slowly stood off of Xavier eyes never leaving Jonah’s masked face. “Good girl” he cooed then the moment Xavier was on his feet he put a bullet between his eyes. At your look he shrugged “He’s a rat. Don’t need any rats now do we?”
“Gonna take that mask off and let me see Dean’s handy work?” you taunted eyes flicking towards Micheal and Erika. “Are you going to be nice and come quietly or do my men need to beat you in compliance?” he replied so you squared your shoulders and planted your feet “If you plan on taking me you might as well throw your hat into the ring too darling cause this is gonna be one hell of a fight” 
You ended up coming back to consciousness in the newly reinforced cells of Kaper’s compound. You were certain you had a few broken ribs and the entire side of your face was slick with your own blood. You’d held true to your word. You’d given as much damage as you’d gotten and that was at an extreme disadvantage. The last thing you remembered was Jonah’s boot connecting with the side of your head hard. If you survived this you would make sure you were the last thing he ever saw and you had the comfort of knowing if you didn’t survive that Dean would be the last thing Jonah ever saw.
You had managed to push yourself into a seated position with your back against the wall when you heard boots coming in your direction. You were in pain and it would likely be a task to stand on your own but regardless you braced yourself for what would more than likely be another fight. 
When the footsteps stopped you looked up to see Jonah was standing at the door leading into the cell. He had his mask in his hand and the light from the torch on the wall flickered across the burns the corrosive had left behind on his face. “Damn you’re even uglier than you were before. At least the exterior completely matches the interior now” you grunted holding an arm around your hurting ribs as you forced yourself to stand up despite the pain radiating through you that moving caused.  “Keep talking you little bitch. Even now our group is already at your compound. Singer will be given seventy two hours to either deliver the power core or be delivered your corpse” “Bobby knows you’ll never keep your word. You’ll take the power core and kill me all for daddy dearest to make a play to be over the shambles that’s left of this country”
“But the thing about Bobby and the Winchester boys they don’t think with their heads a lot. They let their hearts do the thinking and you’re family. That whole group is insane enough to risk it all by coming after you. How many more will die this time for you to walk away?” “That wasn’t my fault. It was yours” you threw back and he smiled “And yet here you still stand having survived what? Seven years after them?” “You’re gonna kill me why not just finish me off now?” you asked and his smile turned sinister “Oh but why kill you quickly when I can make you beg for death?”
He pulled a key out of his pocket and slid it into the door when he stepped into the cell you took a deep breath before falling into a defensive posture. Whatever he had planned it wouldn’t go over easy on him.
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“There’s not even an option. We hand over the fucking power core” Dean spoke from where he stood at the edge of the room. “How do we know they won’t kill her anyway?” Benny asked and a silence fell over the room because everyone was thinking what Benny had just given voice to “Well what the hell do you suggest Benny? Let them kill her with no qualms?” Max’s voice was laced with anger. Anger at himself for not being able to stop you from leaving and anger at the situation in general.
“We’re already at the eighteen hour mark since they took her. We need to do something and do it now!” Alicia cut in but before another word could be spoken Claire came running into the room “DEAN, SAM” both brothers turned to look at the blonde who was out of breath “The front gate! We need you!”
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Most of the residents of the compound had been temporarily relocated rather to other areas or the caverns to get the non combatants out of harm’s reach which made it easier for moving around. Erika had bought her supplies and came back to help as well.
When Dean and Sam made it to the front gate they saw that Erika, Alex and Eileen were all three crouched around but couldn’t make out what until they got close enough to see you cradled in Dante Kaper’s arms while the three women worked to triage your wounds.  
“What the hell?” Dean demanded and at his voice you opened your eyes weakly “Don’t hurt him Dean” then your head rolled over to the side. “She’s ok. She just passed out. Dante get her up and let’s get her inside”
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Erika had kicked everyone out of the room besides Eileen and Alex to work so that left Dean and Sam alone with Dante in the hall outside the room you were in. “Is that her blood?” Dean asked, pointing to Dante’s shirt. The other man glanced down almost robotically “Not all. Some of it is Jonah’s” 
“Excuse me?” Sam asked to ensure he’d heard right. Dante raised his eyes and Dean saw a fire there that almost made him want to like him “I killed him to save her life. I wasn’t there when they took her but the moment I got back to the compound my father called me into his quarters to brag. I found Jonah in her cell he planned to do worse than torture her…” his eyes had found their way back to the door that held you on the other side “I killed him without a second thought. I took her out the back and bought her here where I know she’s safe then I’m gonna go back and kill my father and everyone loyal to him”
“Is she worth that to you?” Dean asked, needing the answer before he allowed himself to give a Kaper even a sliver of trust “Why wouldn’t she be?” Dante replied and Dean gave him a sharp nod “Ok then. Want some help?”
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You came to again when Eileen was washing the blood off of your face. “Eileen?” you whispered but she saw your lips move and looked up to your eyes and smiled “Thank god. What do you remember?” “Jonah..a blade slicing through him...a horse ride..Dante’s coat being around me and telling Dean not to hurt him”
She nodded “Good no concussion then” you looked around slowly “Where is everyone” you signed a bit sloppy but she got the point. “Waiting for you to wake up” “How long have I been out?” you asked and she grimaced which told you it’d been a while “A week” 
Before you could have a complete freakout the door cracked open and Alicia poked her head in “You’re awake!” “It appears” you groaned trying to sit up before her and Eileen moved to help you. They shared a look then Eileen signed “I’m gonna go find the boys”
Once she walked out you looked over at Alicia who’d sat next to you “What happened while I was napping?” she laughed “Oh a revolution?” “Huh?” you questioned and she shrugged “Bobby can explain it better but just know our lives are going to be a lot more peaceful” “Where’s Dante?” you asked worry for him suddenly hitting you like a blow to the gut. “He’s fine honey. That’s one of the boys Eileen went to find”
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You were sitting up with your feet curled under you nursing the glass of water Alicia had gotten you when the door opened again and Eileen walked in, trailed by Dean,Bobby,Sam,Benny and an unsure looking Dante.
Your crew all hugged you then you locked eyes with Dante and shared a small smile “You killed your brother for me” “He was an asshole anyways” he replied which caused a light laugh to spread across the room. “What happened while I was out?” you asked looking at Bobby who smiled “Long story short? Josiah is dead. David is back and over the civilians proven to not be under Josiah’s rule. The militia is being cleared out of dirty members as we speak and we have doubled the side of our hospital set up in the last three days”
You cut your eyes at Dante “What are you gonna do now?” Dean slung an arm around his shoulder and winked at you “Well Y/N not to put words in his mouth but I believe he was hoping to stick around and get to know you a bit better now that you’re not sworn enemies anymore” “If that’s good with you. If not I can always head home now that David is over it?” he offered and you smiled “I think I’d like you sticking around a bit”  His smile told you that was the answer he’d been hoping for.
@girl-next-door-writes
@littlemessyjessi
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tmitransitioning · 6 years
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(1/2) my boyfriend came out as mtf transgender last week... so now my girlfriend? I'm trying to wrap my head around what this means for our future. We are pretty serious and have talked about getting engaged. We are long distance (need to spend about $250 on a plane ticket to see each other) so that's already a strain on our relationship. We've had some other issues as well, and I'm not sure if we have strong enough of a foundation for making it through this. I have no idea what to expect.
(2/2) how difficult is transitioning on a relationship? How does it mentally affect the trans person? Can hormones change their personality? Is there a risk of sexual orientation changing? What else should I know about being in a relationship with someone during the transition? Do you think it's feasible for us to work out? I wish this was a perfect scenario, but the reality is that our relationship already has some scars. Any information would help. Thanks y'all.
This is often a sensitive topic for a lot of people, so I hope you don’t mind if I seem like I’m picking my words—I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong by asking these questions at all, but a lot of people have been in this situation on both ends, and I don’t want to come off as dismissive either way.
Hormones (and surgeries, and social transitions, etc.) don’t affect who you are as a person. They can affect how you express different parts of yourself; a lot of trans people feel more confident on HRT, or more anxious because they’re having to cope with a major life change that makes people react to them differently. The process of coming out as trans also takes a pretty long time, and any medical/social/legal transition makes it longer, so you can change as a person during that time. There is, interestingly, evidence to suggest that people internalize social stereotypes about their gender identities to the point where they embody them when they’re made aware of those stereotypes (e.g. women underperforming on a math test when made aware of stereotype versus their non-threatened performance); I bring this up to point out that there are often changes we see in ourselves or others that we attribute to the process of “transitioning”, though it’s more fair to say that those changes existed before the person ever came out.
Sexual orientation changing for trans people is a really contentious topic. More so than in my disclaimer up at the top. (The reason why it’s contentious is because it’s been used to medicalize trans women before, particularly in psychiatry, and that is still being taught as fact.) The short version is that no, coming out as trans does not in and of itself change someone’s sexual orientation. What may change is how someone expresses their orientation, or what attractions they feel allowed to act on.
For example, a gay trans man may struggle with being attracted to men before realizing he’s trans, because it doesn’t feel internally right for him to be into men when he’s “a woman”. After realizing he’s trans, he may be able to embrace his attraction to man, and find comfort and identification with the idea of being a gay man. A trans woman may go from identifying as straight pre-realization to identifying as bi or pan, because she feels like she can more comfortably picture herself in a relationship with a man or nonbinary person if she is seen as a woman, reflective of her gender. What looks from the outside like orientation “changing” is more accurately thought of as someone recontextualizing themself to better understand how they, in their gender, relate to other people.
That’s a longwinded way of saying that I don’t think there’s a “risk” of your partner’s sexual orientation changing to exclude you if she’s already in a relationship with you and shows no desire to end it. If you’re concerned, you should be able to ask her directly—which flows into my next point.
I’m not going to pretend that someone coming out as trans isn’t a strain on a relationship, because it totally can be for a lot of people. It’s a big shift in how you think of someone else, and how they think about themself. I do think that it doesn’t inherently have to change anything about your care for each other, and that it might take some adjustment on everyone’s part without being a relationship-ender. Your partner right now is likely nervous as hell; coming out to someone puts you in a very vulnerable place. On your part, what you can do is be forthcoming with her about what you’re feeling and thinking, and establish space for her to do the same with you. It’s okay to be disoriented, or to be thinking about how you want to go forwards with this person in your life; you’re essentially editing all your thoughts and hopes about the future to change something big about the person you had in your head. She is still the same person, but figuring out what that means for herself as well.
At the same time: It takes two people’s active consent to be in a relationship with each other. I can’t tell you whether or not you could work out because I’m not a relationship counsellor, but I can tell you that you are allowed to leave a relationship if you don’t want to be in it. Most trans people would prefer that their partners don’t leave when they come out; that’s still the partner’s right, but can also be motivated by less than kind feelings, which you often see in practice. You don’t seem like a jerk to me, and it speaks to your care for your partner that you asked for outside help to navigate this. If those “scars” or issues that you talk about are untenable for you, you’re allowed to leave. Someone coming out to you as trans does not inherently have to be an obstacle, but it’s best approached by understanding why you are feeling what you feel, and extending that understanding to your partner. Think of it less like a meteor hurtling towards you both, and more like your adventuring partner revealing that they have a magic tattoo that makes them a wizard. They’ve always had spells to help you guys beat dragons, but they couldn’t use a lot of them before; if you sync up your abilities, you can beat bigger dragons. If they don’t help you fight the dragons, or yell at you, or put you in the fire breath’s path, then you can leave them and it doesn’t have anything to do with them being a wizard. Relationships are more collaborations than inevitabilities, and should never be threats.
I hope that any of that helped; it’s a good thing to do, reaching out, and I’m glad that your partner felt comfortable enough to come out to you.
- Mod Wolf
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basicgrayson · 2 years
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Hey y'all, been a minute since I've been on here. Life has been pretty hectic for the last few weeks, plus the tumblr app keeps crashing on me. But I am alive lol
Anyway, transition-wise, things are going well. I'll do a proper update one of these days, but for now I just wanted to say that I FINALLY found a pre-T vlog I recorded back in 2013! I knew I had one somewhere and I finally tracked down the right hard drive lol so as promised, I stitched together a short comparison. So the first bit is me at 24, and the second bit is from a vlog I recorded literally today. Funnily enough, I happened to be talking about similar things. Anyway, here you go:
So clearly my voice has changed a lot (even though I still sometimes feel like it hasn't lol).
Also, it really struck me how sad and anxious I was in that video. I remembered how at the time, I felt that way pretty much every day. I thought I'd never find it within myself to start my transition. Well, here I am 9 years later, and though there are still things I'm working on, I'm so glad I don't have to live like that anymore. I'm so grateful to be on T and to have gotten top surgery, even if it took me 12+ years to get here.
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philtatosjimin · 7 years
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