#I'm so ready for this week to happen
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Page 35 of my Miraculous Mentor AU comic A Matter of Trust! In which the cat's out of the bag, and it might break the two heroes apart! 😰🧨
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Weekly updates each Sunday! You can also read ahead early on Patreon, and/or buy me a Ko-fi if you'd like to support my work! 💖
#miraculous ladybug#mentor au#A Matter of Trust#felix sphinx#bridgette cheng#richard sphinx#josie's art#the suspense! the drama! the emotionally unstable teenagers!!!#also i'm ready to take a bite out of my tablet because it corrupted the newest two pages when they were NEARLY done >:'0#two weeks of work just GONE the night before it's due to my lovely patreon folks!!!#this happened before but at least i had enough wiggle room to finish on schedule then! this time i didn't have a chance >:'V#i THINK i know what the problem is so i'll work around it; but i really need to scrape the funds for a new tablet :(((#anyone want a commission? ; w ;
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"Say My Name."
Tumblr "Poll Results" for my #HHStargazersAU are out and so I'm releasing ALL the currently available titles of my future posts for this story!!! Though to not completely spoil the plot for everyone, I redacted some parts on the list. Just know that, while I DO have plans, they could always change and not everything is complete. But if you're still willing to be patient with me, here's a taste of my writing and art! Nothing serious. Just to see if it's to your liking. I won't always stick to such style, but there WILL be consistent world building as it's my favorite part of starting any AU! And if you like Chaggie or queerplatonic Radioapple centric stories then you're in luck because that's EVERYTHING I'm here for! It'll take a lot of effort, but GOD will it also be a LOT of fun! XD Still a show is nothing without an audience and according to my list, it's time for an INTEREST CHECK, so what say you? 👀✨️ -Bubbly💙
(For more context, check out "Part One" of my story! "A New Day Will Dawn...")
#I don't know why I'm so scared to post this#it's been ready all day#spacebubblearts#HHStargazersAU#radioapple#chaggie#human au#hazbin alastor#lucifer morningstar#charlie morningstar#hazbin vaggie#hazbin hotel#world building#poll results#queerplatonic#romantic#or not#I just wanna have some fun ^v^#A.K.A. what happens when a fluff artist gets carried away#why am I so nervous that this will flop?#To be fair I never voted so the poll was never influenced by me nor did I peek at the odds before the week was done#interest check#I need to know what kind of audience I'm dealing with#I do have other commitments afterall#hazbin ships#alastor x lucifer#lucifer x alastor#charlie x vaggie#vaggie x charlie#Can't wait for the girls' part in particular
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i am so obsessed with how like. taken as read the ot3 are at this point. like on the one hand it feels like they've been building up to this for ages but on the other hand it kind of feels like i blinked and we skipped right past some Major Turning Point where everything got spelled out and we're just already in firmly Established Relationship-land. obviously tarvek is too well-protected for anyone to assassinate openly, look how angry his boyfriend and girlfriend are at the idea of anyone threatening him. at this point i'm half-convinced agatha's just going to refer to her boyfriends in passing to someone else and no one's even going to comment on it until van finds out twenty pages later and immediately starts making everyone pay up
#girl genius#i just. the matching frowns. tarvek's deliberately-foppish not-quite-innocent shit-eating grin and folded hands#i'm obsessed with this panel i'm obsessed with this page i'm obsessed with this entire week's comics#and everything that everyone has chosen to say about these three since. man i don't even remember. october?#when was the comment about albia worrying colette will join the polycule i forget#i mean and also everyone has said about these three ever. violetta telling gilvek to stop flirting lives in my head rent free#but the entire last month has just been. i am Reeling what has HAPPENED#i was ready to live off the group hug for the next YEAR and every comic then has felt like a brand new brick????#except for krosp and norville's grand adventure which. well that also felt like a set of bricks but very different ones#also i'm only half-convinced bc a) agatha *is* awfully good at big dramatic speeches#and it's still hard to imagine the Big Relationship(s) Upgrade(s) happening without one#b) it also feels extremely plausible that instead of agatha talking about her boyfriends to a third party#gil or tarvek will refer to *their* boyfriend to agatha (who will not comment on that until van finds out twenty pages later etc)#anthyding can hadplen etc and it feels so much like suddenly it already has. what timeline are we IN#sarah don't look#nyquil don't look
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my favorite difference between toei and toriyama's version of events, Toei: Vegeta disappears for weeks at a time as it is and jumps at the chance to go train for six months on another planet Toriyama: If Vegeta's gone for more than a week without telling Bulma where he's gone she gets so concerned she will take it upon herself to find out what happened to him and try to get to him -- and when he's gone for almost a month straight he says he needs to go home or she will forget about him
#they're so funny in the Toriyama movies/manga#my takeaway is that she's okay as long as she knows he's okay but they both get antsy to see each other if it's coming up on a month#it makes way more sense to me that geets doesn't like being gone for too long considering his homeworld was destroyed in his absence#and then on top of that Freeza has been to his house and his men have robbed his wife's lab while his son was home#Like I'm absolutely sure Vegeta does not like being gone for more than a few weeks at a time and I choose to believe finding out DBS: SH#plot happened and Bulma couldn't reach him prompted him to take Goku's comm and that's why he knew the tea when Whis brought it up lol#I'm procrastinating but it's always vegebul o'clock so it's fine#Bulma seems to imply the trips are frequent which I personally hc is a result of Freeza coming back since Geets was ready#to take a break before that -- and the timing in the manga is after Freeza Black so I enjoy thinking Geets is struggling#with the balance of being home with his family and being strong enough to protect that home and family from Freeza#because the man is nothing if not Stressed#and people wonder why he values his bathtime so much klfjasjk#dbtag
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two consecutive reactions to arcane s2ep7, an exhibit
#only had time for one ep today but that wrecked me enough#ekko arcane#jayce talis#arcane#arcane s2#arcane spoilers#arcane s2 spoilers#c speaks into the void#ok spoilers in the tags:#I HAVE BEEN CRYING FOR HOURS#ekko's stronger than me i would have never left#no because how do react to that. knowing there's a universe where your entire life didn't fall apart#powder is eventually going to realize that the reason ekko painted vi like that is because he knows how she would've looked if she lived#also tf happened to heimerdinger. did he just straight up vanish#for a moment there i thought jayce was c*nnibalizing himself until my sister told me he was eating an animal#last but not least FUCKING STROMAE??????#'LE PIRE C'EST TOI ET MOI'?????#'ennemie' sounding so much like 'ami' when he sings it i'm going to pass out#the song was the final blow tbh this will be in loop for a while#i am not ready for the other two i'm simply not#i need 3 weeks to recover from this one alone
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...................
#so bank account update#my account has been blocked for suspicion of fraud imao#the banker cannot see anything wrong with my spending but he can't fix the issue himself#so we're both waiting eagerly to learn wtf is going on#should have an answer on monday#my life is chaos#god is testing me#to see if I'm ready to live that far away from my family#that's the only thing which can explain the amount of random bullshit which happened in the past few weeks
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your friendship is a beam of sunlight in a cold room.
#sighs. i'm ready for today to be over but i don't have anytihng to look forward to tomorrow. so.#i was going to try to find a church but that doesn't seem like it'll be happening but maybe i can do home-church again with art journaling#but just. i'm. really lonely#today i felt Fine i felt Good! like i genuinely felt Emotionally Normal which was so NICe; really this whole week i've been doing Well#i've felt Normal! which i never ever take for granted <3 but despite Feeling Fine today i just.. burst into tears? randomly??? throughout#the day???#and it took me half the day to realize i think it's cause i'm lonely. which. there's not much i can *do* about that right now#and i called a best friend and we did parallel play art time in silence and that was so so nice#and i talked to my brother on the phone and i played minecraft and i did an art project#and everything has been very lovely and i AM really grateful for all the gifts i've been given for this season#but that doesn't negate the fact that it's been nearly a month since i last received a hug#and that just weighs on you sometimes yknow. and it's not like i'm not trying#but i'm also just Sad. and friends are so wonderful but also they're still all behind screens. i need irl community which is why i need to#find a church which is why i need to finish learning how to drive. sighs.#journal moodboards#3.15.25#elle moodboards
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🤍🧸
#when you relax a little too hard and babe has to literally pull you out of bed :')#i woke up at 4. used the bathroom. took another oxy and went back to bed#rolled onto my belly to relax my back + leg muscles after lying on my side for hours straight#fell asleep immediately (this never happens). woke up at 6 and couldn't move/roll because all my back muscles were stiff and painful#babe was getting ready for his first morning shift in two weeks. asked him to quickly pull me out of bed before he left#so now i'm walking around the house. trying to loosen up my back#i'm sooo tired haha. going back to bed in a minute but i'm just gonna lie on my side on the edge of the bed#anyway. note to self to not relax too hard when you're recovering from back surgery 😂
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it's been six months since i posted a to do list
where the hell have you been, roo.
WHAT U GOTTA DO IN JANUARY
edit daybreak
queenmaker - post ch 24
queenmaker - writing
nevermore - ch 25
see no evil (railway fic)
cold summer (unfair fic)
birdcage (original) - final chapter
OTHER?? STUFF??
tgbyb - planned chapters
leave - part 2
FNF fic - 8/10 chapters
hymn of babylon (original)
all that is good/holy (original) - prologue
what the water brought (original)
she of the garden (original)
#gettin all fancy with links and all in here#keeps kicked me into this#it's a motivation thing#anyway this isn't actually bad#the thing about two months off is that it really clears out your writing list#throw away all my big ideas this is what i'm doing#also i'd like to point out that nevermore is nearly at the end of the miroh arc! i did it!#now i have to figure out what happens in yellow wood but it's fine everything is fine#and yes i did write a chapter of queenmaker three months ago and never post it#and yes all 25 chapters of daybreak were finished in september and never posted#and YES i did start two 10k fics in the last week of december instead of posting any of the content i'm sitting on#AND#YES#i DID WRITE A BOOK IN OCTOBER#it's my least favourite thing i've ever written which is why the ending isn't done but semantics#what the water brought has a full plot and is ready to go and will be much better so#it's midnight that's it from me#time to see if i finish nevermore before i fall asleep#wip list#roo writes#oh and keeps i left haw for you to put on your list#make sure it's there
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very few 'parenting' things frustrate me more than parents who give their screaming kids an ipad, but I think "emotionally neglectful for 20 years and then wondering why their kid isn't thriving/adjusting to adulthood well, so they try to make up for it by being an overbearing helicopter parent" might take the cake.
#at least be consistent in your parenting style#ughhh#'oh no i neglected my kid for 20 years/was unstable (and still am!) and now they aren't thriving. surely it is the vieo gamez and not me'#i s2g if i break up with my partner their mother will be one of the reasons#the sucky thing is generational trauma hopefully gets distilled through each subsequent generation but it is the parents' job#to choose whether they are 1) financially ready and 2) emotionally ready to make that change and give their kids a better life#my grandpa grew up digging through trash for things to eat and decided when he had kids he would not be mean like his dad#and that they would have food on the table#my partner has literally said his mom 'just wanted a kid' and basically baby-trapped his dad#and she was like... in her mid-30s by this point#insane. insane. insane.#i understand baby fever and all that but at least make sure you are in a stable relationship first??#and also my partner's WHOLE FAMILY is like this#just... generation after generation of awful upbringings and kids rebelling and having kids too young and getting in bad relationships and#dealing with undiagnosed mental health disorders#maybe we should just break up at this point idk#delete later#i think i am freaking out because i got news about a possible health scare about one of my own family members so i'm spiraling#thanks for letting me vent. again#if my crap is too annoying PLEASE unfollow me#i don't keep a diary because i'm too immature to do that and thrive on others' validation and i am too broke for therapy#delete later maybe#i might keep this one up just so i can look back on it in a few weeks and be like 'girl u need meds' like hells yeah i do#a good thing that happened today is i avoided my urge to drink the half bottle of wine in the fridge#irish genes be gone from me today muahahaha
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To the people in my inbox I'm so sorry I swear I'm gonna answer those but work has been absolutely destroying me for like 2 weeks straight and I've barely been here
#Charlie Stuff#I see them I'm gonna answer I promise I just do not know when#Because next week is looking just as bad <( _ _ )>#And any free time and energy I've had has been going to a secret project I started#And also sleep when I can get it#But!! If all goes well!!#I'm maybe gonna post about the secret project tomorrow after I get home from work#Because it's mostly ready to go I just need to organise myself#And I wanna make it so updates happen on sundays so even if I'm working I'll have a lil more time to fix it up#This sounds cryptic but hopefully it'll all make sense tomorrow!
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📣ANNOUNCEMENT📣 THE BIG 2024 PROJECT
At long last, I'm announcing what I've been working on🥁
Starting February 6th and continuing every other Tuesday through at least mid-December, this blog will be highlighting the work of various illustrators of A Tale of Two Cities over the many decades since its initial publishing!💫
As it stands right now, the archive will span from the very beginning in 1859 all the way through about 1992 (with a heavy density at the turn of the century) and will contain just under 500 individual illustrations by 20 individual illustrators — in styles ranging all the way from pen to painting and abstraction to realism✍️
All of these numbers will continue to grow, however, because this is an ongoing project! In fact I expect the queue to continue through a good portion of 2025 as I keep finding and archiving more and more — there's just so much out there! For this reason I am not posting these in a sorted order — I looked at what I have right now and ordered them to feel random and balanced, with some themed for certain months😎
Also! A large percentage of these (about half of the artists and well over half of the total illustrations) are coming from sources difficult or impossible to find on the Internet and are instead coming from my own scanning work: When I would discover in my research editions that I knew to have work by new illustrators whose pages weren't available for online viewing, I would seek out and buy those editions for super cheap online and scan them on my own printer's scanner — so for a lot of the old illustration work that this blog will be posting, it will possibly be the first time some of these have ever been uploaded for public view on the Internet!🤩
As far as keeping the archive organized on this blog, the organizational tag for these posts will be " #illustrators ", and I will also tag each post with the highlighted artist's name and with the decade in which each set of illustrations was initially published (as far as my research tells me)🏷️
On the off-weeks, this blog will be posting its usual miscellany, with a sprinkling of behind-the-scenes and extras for this specific project. But starting next week and continuing every other Tuesday* through about the entire year, expect a new post highlighting the work of a given A Tale of Two Cities illustrator — and be prepared because sometimes the number of illustrations on a single post will be in the tens/dozens since Tumblr increased the max image count for a single post to 30! *with the exception of April, which is going to have a special schedule for reasons you'll see when the queue gets there👀
I'm just so excited to at long last get to share this incredible archive here! I sincerely hope you enjoy this fascinating and often breathtaking look at these tiny, beautiful pieces of art history!🌟
#A Tale of Two Cities#AToTC#illustrators#classic literature#dickens#charles dickens#victorian literature#illustration#heads up#blogress#text#it really is happening this is so exciting!#i...actually still have a lot of work to do for it to be ready (the queue doesn't. Actually exist yet lol)#because this last week I needed a break from this project so I tried playing the indig0 disk dlc for p0kem0n scarlet and.#i. underestimated how long it would take. i'm still playing it actually. so. once that's done then it's back to this#i mean i'll definitely have next week's post done in time but just wish me luck trying to get the whooole queue set up by then too!#regardless. WOO-HOO! YIPPEE! HOORAY! HUZZAH! HECK YEAH!
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The thing is I am definitely not happy or chill in the Immediate Sense lately but I am, big picture, so fucking happy with the person I am.
It's like. My brain was made by and for consistent trauma and since that trauma stopped about 5-7 years ago, it is incredible what the amount of resilience and cleverness and flexibility and thoughtfulness I developed to survive can do when it's not being all spent on surviving. like I had a hundred ton weight on me so I had to get REALLY STRONG to stay in the same place and not get 100% crushed, and when that weight came off I found I can use the strength it used to take to stand up and I can leap tall buildings in a single bound.
I was talking to my mum the other day and she said, "you've got the 'fuck it' energy at 30 that most women don't find until their fifties at least" and I'm like yeah man. Imagine how unstoppable I'll be in 20 years.
#red said#i don't know that i can express this clearly but it's the most encouraging thing in my life#my mum's always been proud of me but just lately she seems to actually really admire me#like she's genuinely impressed. she thinks I've surpassed her. i don't necessarily agree but it's a really nice quiet joy.#anyway like this sounds super up myself and it kind of is.#but also it's part of realising just how heavy the weight I've been carrying around with me for 25 years was#like not to be ridiculous but i have realised again this week. that it isn't that everyone's been raped that much and doesn't talk about it#i just have been raped an Unusually Consistent Amount. i have spoken to a lot of people who have had much more horrifying things happen.#I'm not sure I've talked to more than a couple of people who've had a similar level of total consistency of abuse from all angles#and the one is not heavier or harder to bear that the other. but. i think i spent most of my life listening to people's awful experiences#and going ok well nothing i went through looked that bad so it's microtrauma#obviously microtraumas build up but still.#then the older i get and the more i have these conversations the more I notice that stuff which to me is a microtrauma#is a lot of people's defining trauma. and they're reacting appropriately which means i am SO SEVERELY UNDERREACTING#told my friend the other day about a time someone who i still like and respect was having sex with me when i paralocated my hip#and then just kept getting really annoyed with me for not being ready to have sex again while i was literally crying with pain#until i caved and just tried to find the last painful position#and my friend was like pal what the fuck that's horrific#and i was like i mean no that's normal I've had sex with like maybe 3 or 4 people in my life who i haven't had similar stuff with#like i am genuinely thrown when i am allowed to say no to sex and have it be the end of the conversation. and not end up having sex#out of guilt or out of physical coercion or through physical rape. and i have had sex with probably like 40 people at this stage?#and I'm not sure it's as many as 4 i haven't had that experience with tbh#so like. I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea#that i may have actually been doing a hell of a lot of heavy lifting.#like i developed a sense of self that can survive being constantly crushed and at this stage is fucking diamond.
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was rereading a doc i had (titled christmas!!!!!!!!!) of neil inviting billy back home for christmas after not speaking with him for years cos billy told him he was fucking a dude in a going steady kinda way, but then neil had some health scares (cancer) and susan missed the kids, so next thing u know, neil's begrudgingly on the phone, gritting out a 'we're having christmas day here. if u care. sure. ur fag boyfriend can come too.' and then was like. well what happens BEFORE all that.
and for some reason my brain decided it was gonna be billysteeve but make it shitty. anyway.
steve cheating on billy becos i can. and i love to give billy attention in the form of everyone else.
anyway. warning for cheating and steve//nancy ??? is that a warning?
billy hears them before he sees them, but still can’t stop himself from walking up the stairs and pushing their bedroom door open anyway.
meets the sight of nancy fucking wheeler’s bare back sitting upright on his bed, steve's voice carrying from somewhere underneath her, and turns around and walks straight back out, slamming every single door he touches behind him.
loses himself at the bar two blocks over before somehow carol’s manhandling him into an uber, her getting in after him, then loses the rest of the night to hers and tommy’s couch, only vaguely aware of where he is.
he wakes up to a kick to the thigh, then a jab to the ribs.
grabbing the pillow from under his head, he shoves it on top and groans.
“wake up, asshole. it’s 2pm.”
“fuck you,” he mumbles, gripping the pillow tight when carol tries to pull it away.
“fuck you too for waking me up at 1:36am and making me get out of bed. you know how much work your drunk ass is?” carol bitches, resorting to sitting in him and tugging at his hair, before turning gentle, running her fingers through it instead.
billy relaxes into her touch for a moment before her words catch up with him and he remembers what happened the night before, and after his mind flashes him an image of nancy wheeler riding his fiancé’s dick, he shoves himself up and stumbles to the bathroom.
finds himself on his knees and spewing into the toilet bowl, fighting for his fucking life just to get a breath.
“you wanna talk about it?” carol asks from the doorway, leaning against the frame.
billy spits in the toilet bowl. “not fucking really.”
“steve called,” she says airily, smirking at him when he snaps his head up, only to groan from the way it makes his stomach spin.
billy glares at her, his insides slowly settling.
out of everyone, carol’s probably the one who doesn’t care for steve’s shit the most. billy wishes she could teach him how to do it.
wishes he could tell her.
“yeah?” he croaks, pushing himself up to standing so he can brush his teeth. “what’d he want?”
“just wanted to see where you were,” she replies casually, all the power in her fucking hands.
billy brushes his teeth, spits, gargles some fresh water, then spits again, before turning around to face her, his breath squeaky clean. “and what’d you tell him?”
carol shrugs. “said i hadn’t heard from you.”
billy feels his inner growing panic start to recede. at least steve won’t look for him here.
“tommy texted though, said steve turned up at eddie’s place looking for you.”
she’s watching him closely, looking for any give. any weakness. she’s smart like that.
billy usually loves it about her. right now, though, she can fuck right off.
“yeah, well,” he sighs, done with this entire mess, “he can keep looking.”
she smirks at him again before reaching a hand out and tugging him over, pulling him out of the bathroom. “c’mon, i stocked up on alcohol on sunday. whatever happened, let’s get wasted.”
billy stays at carol’s and tommy’s for two more nights.
tommy comes home the second day, looking at them both on the couch, completely faded and fucked up; billy three sheets to the wind, carol at least slightly steadier than him on her feet; with worry written all over his face, but he’s a good sport about it and instead of asking questions, he picks up a joint and joins in, lacing his fingers with carol’s when he comes over to sit beside her.
by the time billy makes it home three days later, he’s mostly got his shit in check.
he makes it through the front door, having spotted steve's car in the driveway, and prepares himself for whatever’s about to happen.
gets through the kitchen next, then past the living room, walks up the stairs again, and braces himself.
he finds steve sitting on their bed, the sheets and pillows all done up and neat, like he went to the effort to wash it and make it, but billy’s not actually that stupid or naive, and steve’s never been able to work their stupid fucking washing machine, no matter how many times billy’s told him which dials to turn and what buttons to press. guesses he’s just covering up the evidence.
billy doesn’t say anything.
steve seems speechless.
billy waits. wants to see where he takes this.
if he’s even gonna apologise or beg for forgiveness.
if he’s gonna end it.
“listen…” steve starts, and just that one word alone has reality hitting billy like a fist to the face.
whatever he hoped would come of this, if it ever came to a head–whatever fucking unrealistic dreams he had of steve tripping over himself to patch things up, running back to him–disappear before his eyes, and he realises steve’s never gonna give a shit about him enough to care.
billy’s never gonna be worth it.
he looks at him sitting on the bed, looking like he’s barely slept, except he knows it’s not guilt that’s kept him awake but instead his fucking decade long insomnia, childhood and teenagehood trauma that billy has no hope of fixing taking it's toll, and he can see clearly how this is gonna play out.
there’s gonna be no i’m sorry’s, no i’ll do better’s; nothing’s gonna fucking change.
steve’s just gonna excuse his shit life choices, like he always does, and billy’s either gonna accept it and live with it, or he’s gonna be alone, and everyone in the entire goddamn world is gonna know he can’t keep someone interested. that he’s not worth loving.
“it was just…a one time thing,” steve bullshits, looking at him the same way he always looks at him. like he’s a million miles away. “and i promise, it won’t happen again.”
billy swallows. feels like he’s just swallowed acid and his insides are swimming with it.
“so this only happened the once?” billy checks, his voice flat. he already knows the answer. he’s seen the text messages. has read the business trip itineraries.
“yeah,” steve promises–lies–eyes so fucking big and brown.
billy used to love them.
“yeah, it was only one time, billy. i swear.”
billy lets the few feelings he had left go numb. finds it in his muscle memory to nod his head then turns around and walks straight back out.
“i need to sort my head out. gonna crash somewhere for a few days.”
steve catches up to him quickly, grabbing him by the arm.
billy flinches.
steve barely notices.
“you’re coming back, right?” he asks, and this is the most emotion billy’s seen from him in months. since that first year they dated, back in high school, probably. he’s spent just over three years of his life with him and can’t remember the last time steve actually looked at him. “i have a business trip on friday, so you’re gonna like, come back and feed the cat, right?”
billy’s gonna choke. “you have a business trip on friday?”
steve looks cagey. “well, yeah? i still have to work, billy.”
billy’s pretty sure he’s gonna punch something. he clenches his hands into fists instead, letting his nails dig in until he fucking bleeds.
“yeah, steve,” he says, voice as even as he can get it. ”i’m coming back. how about–you leave friday 2pm, and i’ll come back friday 2:05pm, and i’ll feed your damn cat.”
steve nods at him, looking relieved, like the cat he convinced billy into letting him get was his biggest concern about today, and not their entire fucking relationship.
steve comes back on a tuesday.
“how was your trip?” billy asks, leaning against the kitchen counter, watching steve’s every move.
steve shrugs, leaning down to stroke his cat’s back. “fine.”
billy clenches his jaw. nods to himself and pushes himself off the counter, making his way out the back to lounge on one of the backyard chairs, cracking open a beer.
thinks about walking out.
stays.
maybe his dad was right, all those times he blamed him for everything in their life going wrong. for his mom leaving. for fucking everything up.
billy knows, now.
he takes a sip of his beer and thinks, this is as good as it’s ever gonna get.
they’ve been together for 3 years and 4 months when eddie and tommy corner him in an alleyway before a show, looking at him with guilt written all over their faces.
“we need to talk to you, man,” tommy says quietly, looking around and making sure they’re alone.
eddie’s face looks serious. billy feels his stomach drop.
whatever they’ve got to say, billy doesn’t want to hear it. he’s hanging on by a fucking thread these days as it is.
“listen, man,” eddie steps in close, resting a hand on his shoulder, and billy can’t handle that right now.
he shrugs him off.
eddie takes it in his stride and lets his hand drop back to his side, but still stays standing where he is, bowing his head in close.
billy doesn't know what they've got to say, but can feel it like a lead weight in his stomach already. whatever it is, it’s gonna be fucked, and billy straight up can't handle that right now.
he thinks about pushing past them and walking away but knows it won’t work. knows he’s not getting out of this little heart-to-heart, no matter what move he pulls.
raises his stare to meet them both head on and straightens out his shoulders.
waits for them to spit out whatever it is that they’ve got to say and get it over with.
“it’s about steve,” tommy steps in, looking between them both, hesitating when he looks at him.
shakily pulling out a lighter and a cigarette, billy lights up, shoving the stick in his mouth and taking a deep inhale. “what about steve?” he says, cigarette dangling from his lips.
doesn't think about the million and one different things it could be from that sentence alone, ‘cause if he does, he knows whatever grip he’s got on his life right now will shatter.
eddie takes a deep breath, and billy clocks the way his face is full of regret.
“he’s cheating on you, man,” he says quietly.
billy’s ears start ringing. feels his fingertips and toes go numb, his blood run cold.
no one was meant to know.
he was meant to live in denial and settle for whatever steve could be bothered to give him, and no one was meant to fucking know that he wasn’t enough.
“what?” he says back numbly, his voice flat.
can’t show emotion, ‘cause if he does, he’ll break.
“he’s seeing nancy,” tommy says, looking like he regrets every word. “we don’t know how long for, but we caught them together when we played that show in new york last week.”
“seriously, man, we just found out, and we fucking flipped on him, but he’s like, trying to fucking deny it, which–how. we literally caught them fucking–” eddie word vomits, looking at him like he’s waiting for him to fly off the handle.
billy can’t react. can feel the fragile hold he’s had on every single part of his life slowly start to unravel, like someone's pulled the string and let the ball of yarn roll along the floor, and knows he’s got minutes at best to pull himself together. to save face.
doesn’t know how to live in denial, though, when the people closest to him are trying to shove the truth in his face.
his mind races in a million different directions as he tries to figure out how to play this. how to make it out the other side unscathed, without ripping out his heart and leaving himself a bloody open mess.
can’t find a single path that doesn’t lead in that direction, or a variation of.
he takes another inhale of nicotine then exhales it out, preparing himself for what comes next.
they’re gonna know.
everyone’s gonna know.
billy’s nothing worth staying for. there’ll always be someone better, someone worth risking it all for, even if for just a weekend, and it’ll never be him.
“you okay, man?” tommy checks, taking a step forward, seeming to realise he’s seconds away from falling apart.
billy sniffs and swipes at his nose, gathering every last bit of strength he can muster and pulls himself together. “fine,” he clips back, voice tight.
“you’re uh–you’re taking this surprisingly well,” eddie points out, and when billy looks at him, he sees the wheels turning in his head, then watches it click into place.
eddie stares at him, his mouth dropped open slightly. “you knew.”
“it’s fine,” he says back automatically, ‘cause that’s what he’s been telling himself for months. for over a year. for almost two.
it’s fucking fine.
“it’s not fucking fine, it’s fucking bullshit,” tommy cuts in, and he sounds pissed.
billy doesn’t know what to make of it. tommy and steve have been best friends since diapers, long before he came on the scene, and if you don’t count their little high school fallout, they’ve been going strong for almost twenty years.
billy can’t compete with that.
“how in the world is it fine?��� eddie adds as he gives him an disbelieving look, searching his face like he’s waiting for the punchline.
billy closes his eyes. knows in their own twisted way, they're doing this because they care, but it doesn't feel like fucking care right now. it feels like a fucking knife.
opening his eyes again and blinking away the tears, he thinks about how steve and eddie were friends first. how, technically, steve was the one who introduced them, both the guys having teamed up for some random shit billy doesn’t even remember just before he rolled into town, and when he sucked up his pride and went to make peace with steve after the shitshow that was his first week in hawkins, then asked where the best place to get green was around here, steve offered to lead the way, and less than 15 minutes later they were pulling up in front of munson’s trailer, and billy’s never really looked back.
realises only now how fucked it is that the only friends he’s made were actually steve’s first, and at the end of the day, he’s gonna lose them in the break up.
billy’s been a part of their lives for barely 5 years. he’s got nothing on a lifetime of memories. definitely hasn’t earnt their loyalty.
his chest squeezes painfully and he struggles to take in a breath as he looks out in front of him and forces himself to face facts.
this might be one of the last times he sees them.
the bands probably over, billy’s definitely kicked out, and they're never gonna stay up for 34 hours straight because they want to finish recording just one more song again.
when he thinks about it, he probably won’t even miss steve that much when he leaves, but he doesn’t know how he’s gonna cope when he loses the guys.
the band.
the girls.
shudders out a breath and tries not to fucking break down.
chrissy; who runs her hands through his hair whenever he lays his head on her lap, always just as drunk as he is and so goddamn happy to see him, and carol; who stays up ‘til 7am drinking with him and watching real housewives and fucking love island, and is the first person to call whenever billy sends out an sos.
shit, he’s gonna fucking cry.
he clenches his jaw and refuses to make eye contact. “show’s gonna start soon, we should get inside.”
“billy, steve’s fucking his ex,” eddie spells out, sounding pissed.
billy wishes he didn’t flinch.
tommy pushes himself front and center then, standing in front of eddie and getting right up in billy’s space.
resting his hands on billy’s shoulders, he forces eye contact.
“how long?” he asks quietly.
billy tries to look anywhere but straight ahead. feels his eyes watering, the tears he blinked away earlier coming back to the surface. can feel the weight of tommy’s hands on his shoulders grounding him, keeping him tethered.
“bill’s, man. how long?” eddie repeats, and billy’s gotta give him credit. he sounds calmer. gentler.
he sucks in a deep breath before throwing his cigarette on the ground, wishing he didn’t need to be handled gently right now as he stomps it out.
this is exactly why he wasn’t enough for steve.
“how long with nancy?” billy pushes past the lump in his throat, his voice catching and wishing the ground would swallow him whole, “or how long with all the other girls?”
“how many girls was he fucking?” eddie yells, giving up on being calm.
tommy elbows him but says nothing, giving billy space to talk.
billy can’t, so he shrugs. doesn’t know what’s more embarrassing now that he’s been interrogated about it.
steve cheating, or him letting it happen.
“dude, what the fuck?” tommy asks after a moment, looking at him in disbelief.
the judgement gets too heavy to bear and he feels himself cracking. he looks at their faces, the way they’re waiting patiently for some sort of explanation, like this is all billy’s life dream and he’s completely on track for his 10 year plan, and not stuck on a ride spinning out of control, no one in the driver's seat to guide the way, and feels whatever grip he’s got just–slip.
he can’t take it anymore. can feel his anxiety and humiliation turning to anger, ‘cause it’s the safest place to hide.
“what?” he growls, wiping at his eyes and stepping forward, making himself tall–big–just like neil taught him. “you think i can do better? you think i can fucking ask for more?”
“better than steve–” ”–yes!” they yell simultaneously, eddie sounding just as mad, tommy sounding exasperated.
“jesus, then you’re stupider than me!” billy yells back, throwing his arms out wide. he hopes to god no one comes out anytime soon and witnesses this, ‘cause this is already too much to handle. “yeah, steve cheating fucking sucks, but hey! at least he comes home to me! at least he puts up with my shit. at least he still agreed to marry me!”
“dude, that’s like–” tommy tries, but he doesn’t want to hear it.
“and i know i’m a lot, okay? i know i’m hard to fucking deal with,” he lists, counting off in his fingers, “so, if the best i’m ever gonna get is every other weekend and the occasional christmas, then so be it!”
he steps back, suddenly exhausted. hears the way his voice cracks and hates himself.
jesus, he’d fucking leave him, too.
“what–you want me to ask someone to love me for fucking life? you think there’s a single person in the entire goddamn world who could commit to me, and only me, and never stray?” he’s begs, aiming for mean, but he hears how he misses the mark by a mile and just sounds desperate. looks at the guys he’s called his best friends for years now and pathetically wishes they'd answer him, that they’d tell him. that they’d be honest and give him what he needs to hear.
needs somebody, just one person, to tell him he’s worth something.
he pushes that need down deep and lets his voice give out, feeling fucking ruined. “don’t be delusional.”
they stare at him silently for a beat, then another, before eddie breaks the peace.
“jesus, man. what the fuck’s steve done to you?” he asks quietly, and when billy meets his eyes, he’s not mad anymore, instead is just looking at him like he cares.
uhhh and then heather comes back in the picture after drifting away, living her best college life, except it wasn't really her best college life, and that dick boyfriend that billy and carol told her to dump actually turned out to be a real dick, but his brother was worse, and suddenly she's picking up the phone and calling billy, asking if she can hide out at his for the night, and if he can pick her up from hospital, and he's barely been in georgia for a month when he gets the call, so he makes the drive back to california then drives them both back, and they send a selfie to the group chat like 'hoes in georiga do it better' and suddenly carol and chrissy are turning up on his door step like what the fuck? heathers back? after not returning our calls for months? years? let me the fuck in?
and then theyre getting spectacularly drunk and recounting their worst hits, and billy's fessing up his Feelings about everything that went down with steve, trying to be Nice about it cos he's aware who he's in a room with, and carol's like 'you know we chose you, right? like you know you won us in the divorce?' and billy's like. too drunk to process that elequantly, and is like. well obviously you're saying that to make me feel better but i Know steve's always gonna be more important to you. and carol and chrissy are like. we may have known him longer, but we love you better.
carol: who offered to be designated driver to my planned parenthood appointment when we were seventeen and me and tommy were scared shitless of what was gonna happen if we didn't make it. who shoved four weeks worth of pay in my hand as they pushed me out the car door. not fucking steve.
chrissy: you squared up with my dad the day i got kicked out of home while eddie helped me pack and carol caused bodily harm to my mom. you sat with me for every meal i ever ate all through my last year of school, no matter how long i took to eat it.
heather: i never fucking liked him. thank fuck he's out of your life. me and max gonna be poppin the biggest bottles when we see each other next.
tommy and eddie when they find out: bro you literally made this band. if it weren't for you, we'd still hate each other. you changed our lives, bro.
and lots of other stuff but. billy having FRIENDS that love him dearly and he loves dearly back and living his best life.
then like. 4 years later:
billy pulls the phone away from his ear to stare at it in shock before lifting it back up. “i’m sorry–what?”
neil clears his throat, and billy’s pretty sure there’s a gun pointed at his head. there's no fuckin' way his dad just invited him and daryl home for christmas.
“i said–he can come, too,” neil says after another minute of silence. he sounds like he’s talking through clenched teeth.
holy fuck.
so he didn't hear him wrong. he’s officially invited back home, after three years of radio silence. neil didn't even reply to the birthday text he sent him that first year, and now he’s being invited to christmas? daryl, too? something’s fucked.
“you dying?” he blurts out, ‘cause that's probably the only realistic option.
his dad sighs, sounding burdened. tired. billy feels his heart start to race.
“no, son,” neil responds, letting the silence hang.
“okay, then. what?” he presses, ‘cause shit’s not making sense. why now? why’s he been a homophobic piece of shit his entire life only to suddenly now decide to not care?
“me and susie just want our kids home for christmas,” neil explains.
billy’s not buying it.
billy eventually tells his dad he’ll get back to him, he’s just gotta discuss holiday plans with his partner first, and neil replies that him and sue would really like them to join them.
billy feels like he’s talking to a stranger.
says he’ll text when he knows what the plan is.
texts max to see if she's got any similar phone calls recently, then tries to forget about it.
gets home from work that afternoon and he attempts to start dinner, but doesn't take long to get distracted and burn it, deciding to give up halfway through.
daryl comes home just as he's throwing the towel in, lydia in tow, and finds him sitting on the kitchen counter eating chocolate from the packet, food burnt on the stove.
“my turn to cook,” billy states, offering lydia some chocolate, eyes focused on daryl. “so, takeaway?”
daryl eyes the mess on the stove and sink and sighs, grabbing the pamphlets from the top drawer.
“don’t care, you’s pick,” he hands them over to lydia, lydia jumping on the counter beside billy. billy looks at their choices over her shoulder before his eyes catch on daryl starting to walk away. “ring and order, i’mma go shower.”
billy nods, focusing back on the task at hand, pushing all thoughts of his dad and christmas out of mind.
lydia holds up the thai food pamphlet.
“fuck yeah,” billy says, picking his phone up from the bench.
while he calls and orders, lydia and daryl switch. her in the shower, and daryl coming out to lean against the kitchen bench.
“you good?” he asks, watching billy try and scrub the pan he burnt.
“what are we doing this christmas?” billy replies, dropping the pan back in the sink and turning to him, completely changing the subject.
daryl shrugs. it’s november, he’s barely thought about christmas beyond trying to figure out what to get lydia.
“usual, i guess,” he answers, picking up a tea towel and wiping the few dishes billy washed before he got stuck on the pan. “might go to rick’s for lunch, might go there boxing day instead, or the greenes. might just hang out here.”
“so, nothing’s planned,” billy summarises, picking the pan back up. he scrubs a bit before giving up again, putting more hot water in the sink before turning to him. “my dad called.”
daryl snorts. him and billy haven't sat down and painted detailed pictures of their childhoods, but they've shared the broad strokes, and he’s not stupid, or an idiot. has enough experience in the shitty childhood department to fill in the blanks.
neil wasn't good people.
will wasn't a saint either, but something about the way billy talked about neil, especially about the years after he moved out, and the way neil treated him that one time daryl met him, made him more slimy–more manipulative–in his opinion.
at least will never pretended with him. he always had his own principles and morals, and he stuck with them. daryl always knew where he stood.
neil, on the other hand, seemed like all his principles and morals depended on public perception, and could change at the drop of the hat. was a wishy-washy bastard, always too busy caring about everyone else's opinion rather than his own, which meant if billy was never good enough to get every single person's approval, he never got neil's.
daryl hates him.
“yeah?” he says, throwing the tea towel down on the bench. “what’d he want?”
billy chews his cheek.
“invited me home for christmas,” he admits, then corrects, “us. he invited us home for christmas.”
daryl raises an eyebrow at him.
“he invited us to fuckin’ hawkins?”
billy shrugs this time, testing out the pan again before giving up and letting it soak. “yep.”
daryl stays silent, letting billy get his head straight. the only reason he would be bringing it up is if he had something to say about it.
“asked him if he was dying, he said him and susan just wanted to see their kids for christmas,” he explains, looking at him out of the corner of his eye like he’s too scared to turn to face him properly, but still wants to see his face. daryl gets it.
“what’chu wanna do?” he asks after another few minutes of silence.
billy shrugs.
“going there would be stupid,” he finally says, turning to him properly. “it’d be awkward and rough and it’d be a shit christmas. he’d probably hate you, he definitely hates me, fuck knows lydia doesn't need to be subjected to him, and max probably won't even be there.”
“so we don’t go,” daryl says, then waits.
billy cracks less than a minute later. “but why did he call? why’d he invite us? why now, when for the past few years, i’ve been as good as dead to him?”
daryl let's him talk it out. knows he’s not asking him anyway.
“surely he must be dying, right? like, cancer or some shit? there's no way he woke up this morning like hey, let’s reach out to my greatest failure and make amends–”
“you ain’t a failure,” he cuts him off.
“no, i’m just his failure,” billy rolls his eyes before rubbing a hand down his face.
daryl knocks his arm into his, nudging him with his shoulder. billy grips the counter behind him tighter.
“i don't even know why i care so fucking much,” he whispers, so fucking confused his head hurts. “if he’s dying, then, like. so what. who gives a shit, right?”
“ain’t that simple,” daryl says back, and billy slides his hand over until their pinkies overlap. daryl knocks his elbow into his again. “it’s fucked up, what parents do to their kids. even more fucked up how we still treat them like parents. expect them to love us, ‘cause we fuckin’ blindly love them.”
billy blinks at him and daryl realises his eyes are wet.
“ain’t blindly,” billy states, voice firm.
daryl nods. “that's why it’s fucked up.”
and then the idea of them going home for christmas and introducing his boyfriend and kid to neil, finding out about the cancer, and neil being like. it's physically killing me to pretend to be okay with this. and billy being like. cancer's a bitch, huh. bet you never saw this side effect coming, did u, dad? who knew liver cancer said bi rights.
#m#fic thoughts i start in decemeber and have a like 800 words doc for#that now are 15k ........................... billytommyeddie band au my beloved....................#anwyay the idea of steve knocking nancy up#and steve like. struggling with the responsibilty of a whole ass kid#and commitment of being with nancy For Realz#and nancy hating being tied down like that.#like she had Plans. she was gonna go places.#but then everything kind of fell apart#and she was slipping into bed with steve instead of jonathan cos it felt easier#it felt freeing. like she could be herself again. without the weight that jonathan put on her#which wasn't really weight. was more just. he knows her. knows what she likes. what she wants.#but she doesn't love being Known like that. feels it like expectations instead.#so going back to steve. who Doesn't know her like that?#where she can make different decisions and steve won't question them?? Freeing.#but then it keeps happening and then its been months. almost a year.#and then they're getting found out. and then nancys finding out she's knocked up. and she can't get rid of it.#she lost a 5 year long relationship for this. can't just abort it#so she has the kid. but then thats a whole new weight in a whole new way. and the baby doesn't even make it to 6 months#before nancys leaving her with her mum. a note saying Sorry but I Can't. and Neither Can Steve.#so then karens like. raising this kid.#and billy. who been gossiping and catching up with karen like weekly since his first week in hawkins is like.#damn grandma. anyone ever tell you you's could be sisters.#and karens like. i'll kill you.#the idea of jonathan and billy being a bigger part of the kids life than nancy or steve.#maybe steve coming around when the kids like 2 or 3 like. hey. maybe i can be a dad now. maybe i'm ready#maybe nancy coming back too like. okay i think i'm finally ready.#and them both realising their ex's who they left for dust are like. their kids fav uncles. that billy and jonathan are genuine friends now.#and being like. what the fuck.#anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! who CARES!!!!!!! we love to have fun!!!!!! sorry to anyone who loves these characters!!!!!
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Apparently I can meet my goal of roughly 400,000 words in 6 months if I just somehow write at least 2,200 words a day ghbjh... Almost 2,500 today... huzzah...
#Definitely not going to be able to stick with it just due to like... being realistic about my energy levels and etc. ESPECIALLY as we#enter the Evil Summer and it becomes hot all the time. But... one can attempt.. at least...#I'm also a very slow writer since I tend to re-read and edit while I write. and only move onto the next section once what I'm writing#seems okay. Which is easy for visual novel type stuff. since ''sections'' of a conversation are more clearly marked (like if you#have a menu option with 5 different dialogue choices. finish the character's response for choice 1 before moving onto 2. etc.)#Especially since when I'm done with a whole quest I always follow it up by playing through it and picking every option and making sure it#actually all works okay and etc. So I am already going to see it all a second time. Then I can go back and reorder a few words or remove#certain sentences that don't sound natural when I read them out loud (I always read it all outloud to myself since it is... just peple#talking.. it should sound like natural dialogue in their voice. etc). But my ''first draft'' is kind of not as first drafty since I pause t#edit a lot as I go along. So it also takes longer probably than it would take other people who I think treat a first draft as more#of a loose guideline or something. AANYWAY...#80F in my bedroom right now again... huzzah... I did end up finishing and recording that sims build video before the heat wave (or is#it really a heat wave if it's just summer..?? lol) came in.. but now... augh.. the editing... plus the costume photos and all else... Much#to do as always.. Often such a long todo list.. a giant scroll hung upon the walls of the evil hermit wizard tower..#Anyhow.. I hope I can finish getting ready for bed early in time to reward myself with a game of tripeaks solitaire whilst I snack on#cheddar cheese and some of those preserved artichokes in a jar. hrgm... I actually have nasturtiums (ultimate best flower) on the#deck again this year but I had to move them all into a corner today because the leaves were getting burnt by the sun lol.. Also am now more#cautiously weaving through social media to ignore all dragon age news. NOT bc of spoilers (I actually love spoilers/literally never play#any game until there's full guides on it I can read to plan my entire playthrough based on knowing exactly what I want to happen lol + mods#and etc.) but just because I'm so busy with my ownprojects I simply do not have the brainspace to dedicate... Yes I love to think#about elves and fictional universe lore. but no.. I pretend I do not see it. Does not exist to me actually. ghgj.. OHH also took som#cool pictures of flowers in the garden section of a store and I wanted to do like.. character designs based on the colors of the flowers o#something. but that might just be another unnecessary project to add to the pile.. I want to commit to the daunting task of dyeing my#hair again some time.. hrm.. this is all of the updates I can think of. As if a bunch of random tags make up for never posting anything for#weeks on end lol.. alas.. too warm to think properly I suppose.. .. I neeeeeed a long lost relative to leave me some million dollar#estate in their will so I can have the resources to move to a colder climate or something ..augh#.. but for now.. I shall toil away in my little wizard tower trying to write 2000 something words a day whilst sweating and such ghbj
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