#I've decided to switch from first person to third and why oh why did I do that to myself

[imogenkol]

— WIP IT’S WEDNESDAY SOMEWHERE

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cheating a little bit again because I have writers block and I’m trying to remedy that by reworking old writing (and also trying to refresh my love for said old writing) so hopefully ya’ll enjoy my two favorite werewolf siblings

Jayde waited in the rain for as long as she could before the beckoning warmth of the twenty-four hour diner across the street became too tempting to resist. It was worth the risk of getting recognized. All she wanted was to not be soaked to the bone like a sad mutt chained to the doghouse. And some damn coffee.

The dark, clouded sky gradually turned gray with an oncoming sunrise. Jayde sipped on the bitter liquid from the warm mug in her hands and stared out of the window beside her, watching the endless streaks of raindrops as they raced down the lightly fogged glass. Finally, she spotted a familiar pickup truck pull into the parking lot. Something bulky lay strapped in the bed, a blue tarp shielding it from the weather.

Skye stepped out of the truck once she parked. She was a fair bit shorter than her older sister with mossy green eyes instead of dark blue, but besides that, the two were unmistakable as siblings. They shared the same blonde hair and facial structure, though Jayde always thought Skye resembled their mother more. Or perhaps she secretly favored the idea of inheriting their father’s features. While they were similar in base appearance, the sisters differed in personality. Skye walked lightly, almost with a skip in her step, to mirror her bubbly attitude. She almost always had a small, arrogant smirk on her face like she understood a joke that everybody else didn’t. Most of the time she did.

She wore that exact smirk as she slid into the booth across from Jayde. “So, spill.”

“I got my ass beat, alright?” Jayde recalled in annoyance. “Wound up on lockdown in the local hospital, but I got out.”

“On your own…?” Skye clearly sensed that she left out important information.

Jayde sighed. For whatever reason, she didn’t want her to know about Nadya. Maybe because she knew her little sister would mercilessly make fun of her for it. “No, I had help.”

A waitress came by to offer Skye a menu and some coffee, which she eagerly accepted with a sarcastic comment about a bear doing its business in the woods that went over the poor old woman’s head. Once the now slightly perturbed waitress left, a moment of silence lingered between them until Skye held up her hands. “Well? Don’t leave me hanging.”

“There was a resident at the hospital,” Jayde complied hesitantly. “I convinced her to help me and she took me in while I recovered.”

“There it is,” Skye said triumphantly with a massive grin. Jayde rolled her eyes. “Is that whose scent is all over you? She smells nice, is she pretty, too?”

“None of your business.” She fixed the younger wolf with a warning glare. “Now, can I have my shit?”

“Geez, you’re no fun,” Skye complained.

“Skye, I have had a long couple of weeks,” Jayde told her in a scolding tone. “All I want is enough supplies to be on my way.”

“And where is that this time?” the younger sibling retorted with a sudden seriousness. “Am I gonna get another call in a month asking for more ammo? Or to bail you out of the slammer? Or how about a mental hospital? You haven’t got yourself fucked in one of those yet.”

“For your information,” Jayde started, a snarl nearly escaping her throat. “I’m gonna linger around here for a little while longer.”

Skye’s mossy eyes went wide with shock. “Really. You? The Lodge isn’t good enough, but this city is?”

Jayde was in no mood to have this argument with her for the tenth time. Nothing she could say would make Skye understand her reasons for staying away as long as she has.

“It’s not like that, I have to.”

“Why?” Skye prodded. “I would think you’d want to put as much distance between yourself and here as soon as you can.”

Jayde grinded her teeth. Skye wouldn’t let her deflect. She would also see right through any excuses and become even more pushy for an explanation. “I have to make sure the girl that helped me won’t be in any danger once I’m gone. She broke me out of the hospital and saved my life when everyone was calling me a terrorist. And she did it to protect people, so it’s not gonna sit well with me if something happens to her.”

“She broke you out?” Skye marveled in bewilderment, clearly impressed.

Jayde nodded. “Yes. I’ve been lying low at her place for the past week.”

“Damn, she’s ballsy,” Skye chuckled. “Or just really stupid.”

“That’s what I thought,” Jayde agreed with a small smile. “Trust me, it’s the former.”

“How are you gonna know if she’s safe or not?”

“I had her get a burner phone to call me if she needs help. That’s why I have to stay in the area until this blows over, I don’t want to be too late. Which reminds me, I need your phone.” Jayde held out her hand.

She scowled at her suspiciously. “Why mine?”

“‘Cause yours is the number I put in hers.” She motioned for her to surrender it. “You haven’t gotten any other calls besides me, right?”

“Why’d you give her my number?” Skye asked incredulously.

“Because mine’s gone, genius.”

“Then buy a new one, dumbass.”

Jayde sighed in exasperation. “It was easier to give her your number, now cough it up.”

Skye groaned dramatically and fished her phone out of one of her pockets. “Here.”

Jayde deftly caught the bright pink cellphone as her menace of a sister suddenly tossed it at her head and snickered at her disappointment. Supernatural reflexes had very little to do with the save, she had years of practice anticipating Skye’s antics. When Jayde looked down and saw the cheap Hello Kitty sticker stuck on the back, she glanced back up quizzically. “Really?”

She shrugged. “I went to a couple hospitals looking for you. They don’t exactly keep the kid stickers locked up.”

Jayde made a noise of displeasure. “I would’ve preferred a Finding Nemo one.”

“Then get your own damn burner and steal whatever sticker you want the next time you inevitably end up in a hospital again,” Skye bit back.

“I owe you. Happy?”

“My favorite words to hear,” she replied with a bright smile and took a sip of coffee. “So what did you tell her?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, with everything the nurse did for you, she must’ve been curious. What did you come up with as a cover?”

That brought up another explanation Jayde dreaded. Might as well get this over with, she thought as she chewed on the inside of her cheek for a moment before shrugging. “I told her the truth.”

Another charged moment of silence fell over the two siblings as Skye completely froze with the mug to her lips. She blinked a couple of times, then shook her head like she came out of a trance. “I’m sorry, you told her the truth about what?”

“About me. What I am.” The admission made Jayde cringe.

Skye’s expression turned blank, and she slowly set the mug down. “I know you mean you told her you’re bisexual and not that you’re a werewolf, right? Because admitting that you’d be down to clown with a hot nurse is way more believable. Telling a random human that you’re a werewolf is a new level of crazy that you wouldn’t even dream of. Right? ”

“First, she’s not a nurse. Secondly, she deserved to know,” was all Jayde could think to say as a defense.

“So it is the mental hospital for you next.”

“Skye –”

“You are the last person I expected to be that stupid, Jayde.”

The older wolf leaned forward in her seat and poked the surface of the table. “I did not make that choice lightly. Nadya put her entire life on the line for me without any thought for repayment. It was only natural that she had questions, and she was too smart for my shitty excuses. She would’ve figured it out herself if I hadn’t told her.”

Skye didn’t look convinced. “And how do you know she won’t tell anyone?”

“She’s not like that,” Jayde insisted.

“You’re willing to bet everything on that. On a human you’ve known for a few days,” her sister stated more than asked.

Jayde patted a couple of her jacket pockets before she remembered which one she put the small polaroid in. She pulled it out and dropped it on the table in front of Skye. The younger wolf picked it up and studied it with disinterest until she flipped it around and saw the note Nadya wrote on the back. She glanced up at her sister curiously.

“She’s a photographer,” Jayde explained. “When I told her I liked that picture, she gave it to me.”

Skye sat in silent contemplation for about a minute as she stared at the photo in her hands with pursed lips. Eventually, she gave a nod, and Jayde felt relieved that her sister finally accepted what she was certain of. Her eyes met Jayde’s and brightened with that mischievous smirk again. “It’s not just the picture you like, is it?”

Jayde raised a brow. “Excuse me?”

“Hot nurse saves your life, offers you a roof, gives you a gift before you go,” she held up the polaroid, flipping it between her fingers like a coin, “and you tell her the truth, give her a phone to call you, and stay in the city you almost got gunned down in to make sure she’s safe. Sounds like you have a crush.”

At first, Jayde felt offended by her assumption, but then her face quickly flushed with embarrassment. Is it that obvious? she thought before anything else, which threw her for a loop. Jayde knew she felt attraction towards the human, but it hadn’t even occurred to her that what she experienced might be a crush. Children get crushes for fuck’s sake, but apparently so do full grown werewolves who have to fight for their lives every single day.

Just like always, her sister knew her too well.

“Even if you were right, it doesn’t matter.” Jayde shrugged in an effort to seem nonchalant. “I’ll never see her again.”

Skye wagged an eyebrow. “Or maybe she’ll call you.”

Jayde rolled her eyes at her for the millionth time that morning. “I didn’t give her the phone to keep in touch. It’s for an emergency only, and she knows that.”

“Maybe an ‘emergency’ will happen.” Jayde’s whole body tensed as she sensed one of her little sister’s bits coming. Skye continued, using a high-pitched voice as she dramatically fanned herself. “Oh, Jayde, some trenchcoated goons have been lurking outside my house trying to sell me a new vacuum cleaner! Please, save me! You’re my only hope!”

Jayde scowled at her. “You think you’re so funny.”

“Come on!” Skye urged. “There’s gotta be some small part of you that’s hoping she’ll call.”

“No,” she said firmly, though Skye was partially right. A huge part of Jayde hoped that she would see Nadya again one day, just not under dire circumstances. But another part of her knew that was the only way she’d get to see her again.

“Fine,” Skye said, clearly not convinced, and handed the polaroid back.

Jayde took a few moments to stare at the photo fondly. She flipped it over to look at the note on the back and ran her fingertips over the letters Nadya wrote. Then she carefully returned it to the pocket it came from.

“You want some breakfast?” she asked Skye, ignoring the knowing grin on her face.

[clarythericebot]

Cardinal Tagle and His Candy

The story about Cardinal Tagle giving Cardinal Prevost (now Pope Leo XIV!) candy is running around the Philippines, but I'm not sure the wider world knows! And, since it's a cute story, I've decided to share it with you guys :) OG Video of Cardinal Tagle telling the story:

My translation (I bolded the part with Pope Leo XIV, but I think the whole story is worth listening to!)

I go back to 2013, where we experienced that first afternoon...our first experience of the conclave. We only vote once in that first day, considering that all the traditions and oath-taking and things are already very long.

When I saw how long all that took...and we weren't that many cardinals back then, okay, we were about 119. Now, we're....133! Even then, I thought the process was so very long. And tomorrow? Two votes in the morning, two votes in the afternoon. Who knows how long it will all take.

So, I brought candy.

If your stomach starts to grumble, at least you have some candy, right?

After I gave my ballot and sit down, I unwrapped and ate a piece of candy. The cardinal next to me nudged me. In Italian, he said, "What did you bring in the Sistine Chapel?!"

I said, "Candy! Caramel."

"This little boy!" he exclaimed. "Bringing candies in the Sistine Chapel!"

I said, "But the conclave process is so long...sometimes I get hungry."

He said, "Do you still have a piece? Give me one, too!"

"You wanted one and still you were pretending to be mad?" I gave him a piece! He's from Columbia, you know.

That's why, whenever we see each other, he remembers what happened and goes, "Ah! This small boy with his candy."

Now, when Pope Francis was elected, the Cardinal Deacon who's supposed to announce him at the time was Cardinal Tauran. He has Parkinson's, and his speech is a little affected by that. When we were leaving, he was shaking a little, and he told me, he grabbed my arm and said, "I was scared that people wouldn't be able to hear me, maybe my voice wouldn't be clear, you know..."

I said, "It's okay, be calm, be calm." I pulled candy out of my pocket and pushed it to him. "Eat some candy! So you can relax."

This time around, I also was always bringing candy [to the conclave]. Next to me was Cardinal Prevost. When he started taking deep breaths, I leaned toward him and asked, "Would you like some candy?"

He said, "Yes, please, give me one!"

So there! That's my first act of charity to the new Sancto Papa. So there were many moments like that.

Yesterday, when he'd already chosen his name and everything...we all have our own prayer pamphlets[?]. We each had one. [Pope Leo] asked me a question before he reached the two-thirds majority. I answered his question by writing on my pamphlet and passing it to him. He read it, and then he ripped off the page of the pamphlet that I'd written on.

Well, then, my prayer book, prayer guide...it was lacking a page! What he did, he gave me his prayer pamphlet and said, "Look, we'll switch!"

After he became the pope, I said, "Oh, you owe me something. Sign the prayer pamphlet! Sign it!"

He said, "Here, this is my first signature as Pope. Leone."

I tucked it away. It's still with me! [...]

So, all that happened, and you have to still show, especially to him...this humanity. Because you know how....I mean, us, we all hold just one diocese, and even then it's a heavy responsibility. One dicastery, thats also very heavy. But imagine, being responsible for everything! So, those little acts of kindness, of humanity, I think can sustain a person, covered by God.

BONUS - I don't think I should repost it to tumblr, but this is a REALLY sweet comic about it by cartoonist ZACH: https://www.facebook.com/share/p/18nYftgxzJ/

[whythewords]

In all unfairness

Hard to say what I'm feeling these days... That's a lie, all I do is talk about my feelings. It's never been more apparent how desperately I need to go back to therapy.

I'm keying this entry into my chosen notes app on my phone while on a plane...but much unlike the last time I did this, I am not on my way to Japan for the trip of a lifetime and a journey of self-discovery. Instead, I'm heading to Quebec for a 3 day work trip as part of a job I stopped liking all that much some time ago now. Our agenda is a lot fuller than last year's work trip, but realistically how much could I complain about being put up at a bougie resort. I brought my Nintendo Switch and plenty to entertain me during after hours. I sense there's gonna be less fraternizing with my co-workers when I don't have to this time around, but we'll see.

Either way, I applied for the local municipality gig and I'm feeling decent about that. It's a step closer to where I wanna be, I think. It's progress, and any progress is good progress right now.

Wish I could say the same for dating. I had a date this past Thursday night that may go down in history as one of my worst experiences on these apps thus far...but it didn't start that way.

I drove all the way out to Oshawa to meet this girl, (but in fairness, I did offer to come out her way as I often do on these first dates). She arrived at the bar and she looked, honestly stunning...better than her photos by a country mile which is something that definitely does not normally happen. She sat down and we got to talking. The conversation was flowing, I was making her laugh, it felt fun, and free and flirty. All my misgivings about "making a move" with the last girl I dated through the apps had lead me to awkwardly move in for the kiss on the third date. That nervous energy wasn't present here, or at least it wasn't the same. We were 20 minutes in before I confidently thought to myself: "this is working! There's a really good chance I make out with this girl...tonight!" Oh, if I only knew what was coming...

As we're getting ready to leave the bar, she steers the conversation toward politics, and as it turns out, she seems to think that society has been making too big a deal out of this whole racism thing (this take was particularly wild being that she was a biracial woman). Then she begins with the transphobic rhetoric of "someone can't be something just because they say they are" and other fun statements like that. My heart sank. This was the first time I had felt a real, exciting, solid connection with someone, pretty much since my ex-wife. We were VIBING HARD as the kids say...and in an instant it turned out she was not at all the kind of person I could see myself in a relationship with. I felt so very defeated, like the universe had just played a sick joke on me.

That lingered on my mind for several days...it's still there really. I was thinking that after an experience like that it was definitely time to pack it up and take a hiatus from the apps again, lord knows I've decided take a break from them for a lot less. Oddly enough though, I didn't. I don't know if it's apathy, or perhaps some last little flickering light of unwavering hope somewhere inside of me, but I took a deep breath and asked myself: why leave? Why leave if I'm just going to end up right back here anyway? I think I know what I want. I know I want to be in love again. Why not just...keep trying to figure it out? The girl I mentioned in my last entry here is still in the mix, the date just got postponed...and there are some other prospects. So why not just...continue?

So for now I will. After all, the world looks pretty small right now from this plane. My person is bound to be out there somewhere right?

They gotta be.

[tricoloured-cat]

Happy Birthday Kunikida! As a tribute I decided to read (well, more finish) "Meat and Potatoes" by... Kunikida-sensei HAHA but as I was reading I noticed similarities between that short story and BSD Kunikida's life

parallels between BSD Kunikida and Meat and Potatoes

warning: major spoilers for Meat and Potatoes, the first LN, as well as the manga! also for this essay thing I shall ignore the existence of the anime adaptation of the Azure Messenger (also not proofread too lazy)

Note: Some of these points have been made by others, but here I just want to emphasize these things in the context of Meat and Potatoes.

"But the point is, you can't ideals," said Kamimura, screwing up his face. "Ha ha. Of course you can't. They're not beefsteaks!" laughed Takeuchi, opening his huge mouth. "But that's exactly it. Reality is a beefsteak. Or stew if you like."

As the title of the story suggests, meat and potatoes are compared to reality and ideals. In fact meat can go farther than just reality; it's an implicit description to the hedonistic life.

In the franchise, it can be said that Dazai is very much Team Meat rather than Team Potato. He does as he pleases and wrecks the world of the then highly rigid member of Team Potato, Kunikida.

This was the third day of being paired with Dazai. I knew no peace for even an hour, nor could I focus wholeheartedly on work, and the number of complaints pouring in on the phone continued to climb higher. Whenever I took my eyes off of him, he would say he was going to drown himself and then fling himself into a river, or say to be careful and then go off to drink at a bar, or say he received a divine revelation and run off to flirt with a pretty girl. Quite fittingly for a twenty- year-old man-child, he only did what suited himself and smashed my schedule to bits.

Kunikida's sanity has been compromised since then, yes, but Dazai's erratic personality doesn't deter him from his determination to follow his ideal.

In Meat and Potatoes, there are two major disillusioned idealists: Kamimura and Okamoto.

Kamimura's transfer from Team Potato to Team Meat is, I suppose you could say hardly significant. He switches with a "oh to hell with it" attitude and abandons the ascetic potato-only life for meat-filled enjoyment. Why is it so? Simply put, his desire to be in Team Potato was never serious. His fascination with his Christian faith and scorn for the "fools in Tokyo" were what drove him to his rural potato-farm life in Hokkaido.

"Kamimura and the rest of you were members of the Potato Party at first, but later changed your allegiance to the Meat Party. In other words, you're all weak-willed."

Kondo's words, I believe, mirror Kunikida's initial thoughts of Dazai. I'm not so weak as to give in to someone like him!

On the other hand, Okamoto's disillusionment - but not transfer to Team Meat - was far more serious. This is where Kunikida's own disillusionment can be linked to.

It was the death of the woman Okamoto loved that made him curse the very world he lives in. The intensity of his love had made its loss so great. In Kondo's words,

"[Men] often weary of life and if they encounter love in such a state, they find in it a means of escape. For that reason they throw their whole hearty into the fiery furnace of love."

Okamoto does not rebuke nor confirm this, but we can assume that Kondo hit the nail on the head.

Kunikida, too, loved a woman deeply: Sasaki Nobuko. Now the parallels isn't too surprising since both stories are based on Kunikida-sensei's real life heartbreak with his wife of the same name. Fortunately she didn't actually die (she just left him 5 months into their marriage) but the pain is so immense that her memory is essentially a ghost haunting the three of them.

"I want to have her back again and so intensely do I feel about that that I don't care what happens to me. I freely admit that I've cried over her many times. Over and over again I've called her name and looked up at the sky. Of course I wish that she would come back to life."

This resounds their feelings for their woman so well. Their hopes and dreams were built for and shattered by her - for Okamoto, this was his fall into indecision. He is not Team Meat nor Team Potato. He is not a realist nor an idealist. He is not a optimist nor pessimist. He's just a broken man.

In fact, Dazai alludes to this fall after Sasaki's death.

“Tell me, Dazai! Was it right for her to die? Is this the ideal world I’ve sought for...?” Dazai stared at me and whispered, “Kunikida. There are those who believe in your just, ideal world, and thus they grow to resent this one. The Azure King was one such person. While championing his causes of justice and idealism, he hurt the weak around him.” He looked far off into the distance. “The phrase ‘seeking justice’ is a weapon. Once it hurts the weak, it can no longer be a force of good. This justice the Azure King sought was what killed Sasaki. His accusation wounded me. Seeking a world of justice and ideals, indeed. All this suffering had come to pass by seeking to manifest ideals. “Kunikida, as long as you continue to eliminate those who would thwart your ideals in your quest for the ideal world, the flame of the Azure King still burns inside of you. And it will consume those around you. I have seen this happen many times before.”

There is no "but I'll still pursue my ideal!" in the original text. Kunikida said nothing in reply for he "understood what he said."

Now by the time Atsushi popped up, not much is shown about how exactly far Kunikida's disillusionment had gone. When he was picked up Kunikida proudly states that his schedule was "not just a schedule but his ideal" and from then we are given an impression of his drive.

We are only shown the truth starting with Kyouka's case and Atsushi's kidnapping.

There are already discussions on these scenes, but in the context of this essay thing with Meat and Potatoes what I want to point out is Kunikida's disenchantment. Also note that in both scenes, his facial expression is not shown. He only says these things out of defeat while his idealist self screams something else.

At this point, he has not reached Okamoto's level just yet, but it's possible that it won't take long for Kunikida to find himself in the same place.

It is Atsushi that woke him up from his nightmare.

What made that difference?

Atsushi wasn't abandoned by the Agency because of one thing: love. It's the very same thing that killed both Okamoto's and Kunikida's ideals.

But unlike Okamoto, Kunikida's ideals were not only born out of love but are one and the same; then following Kondo's reasoning, Kunikida's love, ideals, and life are all one and the same.

Here is another quote from Kondo:

"There are many types of boredom. Two of these are particularly tragic and hateful. With one, you weary of life and with the other you weary of love... The first is the most tragic and the second the most hateful."

The current manga arc (ch 104 is the latest release at the time of writing this) challenges Kunikida once more. Being a member of the Armed Detective Agency is difficult, and with all the death and near-death recently happening around him his will had taken several critical hits.

Had Kunikida grown weary of his lofty ideals, with means he's weary of both love and life, that his fate is tragic and hateful?

Fortunately, not at all.

He doesn't give up any of the three. "But what about life???" Well, I would say that here he does not lose life but rather his death. Idk how to explain to be honest, but in short it's rather that he sacrifices his physical life for the sake of living; that is not having a spiritual death. He is able to live his whole life following even only the shadow of the ideal - to him that is his goal anyway.

Kunikida overcomes Okamoto's plight of looking for "surprise" in the world as nothing interests him anymore.

"Life and death and all the phenomena of the universe become commonplace in the end."

He does not fall for this interpretation of Wordsworth's "Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting."

We can only hope for the best for him in the upcoming installments.

TL;DR: Kunikida is awesome and needs more love

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

[jakesimfromstatefarm]

not jealous | jake sim

summary: jake sim is not a jealous person. at least that's what he tells himself. so why does he find himself going through your phone when a certain "bluejay park" decides to text you?

pairing: jake sim x y/n [ft. mentions of jay park]

genre: angst, fluff 

warnings: angst, cursing (very minimal), one slightly suggestive sentence, jake being cute, some more angst lol, slightly cheesy bc jake’s just too cute ugh

wc: 3.8k

a/n: ok i loved writing this, which is why i went on to almost 4k words LOL oops. but anyways, i love jake a little too much and this type of scenario has been running around in my head for a while now so i decided to put it into words. also i may have created this blog just so i could post this somewhere LMAO anyways yeah this was my first fic so hope you guys enjoyyyy <3

Jake Sim is not a jealous person.

At least that's what he tells himself. To be fair, in his past relationships, he never showed any jealously. Then again, he doesn't know if he can call those relationships, "relationships". Does a fifth grade relationship with a girl who he was once dared to kiss during a game of Truth or Dare in the basement of a classmate's house during their 11th birthday party count? He doesn't remember being jealous when the same girl was later dared to kiss his classmate, Sunghoon. (Funny enough, that's how the two boys came to be best friends 'til this day, but that's a story for another time.) 

But really, Jake doesn't think jealously is one of his traits, even if he's now almost 20 years old without any experience with love other than his current relationship with you and that short-lived romance in the fifth grade. (What was her name again? Jake would have to ask Sunghoon later.)

So he doesn't know what clicked in that brain of his that lead him to this current situation he was in. He doesn't know why he felt a little spark of anger in him when your phone, which you left right next to him on the couch while you went to take a shower, kept buzzing with texts from "bluejay park". He doesn't know why he couldn't kept his eyes distracted from the messages, although your phone was constantly lighting up because whatever it was Jay had to say to you, he would not shut up about it. He doesn't know why he questioned what your relationship with Jay was for a split second.

In fact, you're close with all of Jake's friends. That's one of his favorite things about you, you get along so well with all his friends you might as well replace Jake himself in the friend group. So he doesn't know what tells him to take a little glance at your phone—at the messages.

But he finds himself doing it anyways.

Hearing that the water in the shower was still running (you were always the type to take long showers), he quickly grabs your phone and scrolls through the lock screen just to find that he couldn't even read the messages since you had your notifications set so no one could read them unless the phone was unlocked (darn you and your settings!) Thankfully, Jake knew your passcode––and you knew his too––or he thought he did. Until the iPhone vibrated, telling him the passcode was wrong.

He must've entered it too fast or something. So he tries again.

And again.

And again.

Until the iPhone switches its screen to say: "iPhone is disabled. Try again in 5 minutes."

There's no way. You never change your password. And even if you did, you would tell him—you two even had each other's fingerprints saved into each other's phones in the past (you know, before the world decided that Apple's home button was too lame and decided to just completely get rid of it). If there was an option to save multiple faces for Face ID, you two would be that couple that saved each others faces in your own phones.

That being said, Jake sat there, your phone in hand, frozen. Why was your phone locked? Why was Jay texting you 10 texts per second? Why did he feel guilty about this entire situation?

He hears the shower switch off and in that moment, he swears he feels his heart beat just a little faster. He tells himself there's no way you'll be out before the 5 minutes are up. You followed a really meticulous skincare routine (one that Jake memorized by now) that took an extra 15 minutes of your time after each shower.

"Hey Jake?" Your voice calls out from the tiny bathroom door crack that you left open before you hopped in the shower, "Is my phone out there? Do you mind bringing it to me?"

Fuck.

Jake shifts on the couch. Taps his foot on the ground. Returns your phone to its original spot. Clears his throat.

"Don't you want to get dressed first?" he calls back, quite timidly.

He can hear you stop moving around in the bathroom. Probably telling yourself what an odd response that was. To be fair, it was an odd question, considering the fact that you two have been together for so long, it’s not like he hasn’t seen you undressed before...intentionally or not. 

Next thing he knows, the steam is rolling out of the bathroom door and you're stepping out in your towel, eyebrows raised.

"If you didn't want to get up from the couch, you could've just said so, you lazy butt," you smirk at him as you walk towards him and the couch, leaving a faint trail of water drops behind you. Jake's eyes follow your figure as you go to grab your phone and lift the screen towards yourself.

That's when he freezes. You do too.

You cock your head, as if asking yourself why it was disabled. He can hear the gears in your head turning.

"Jake, did you try to unlock my phone?"

He runs through all the possible excuses he could blurt out. Come on Jake, think of something! But he knows he can't lie to you.

Too many beats of silence pass by.

"Maybe," he finally says—or more like murmurs. He looks up to you like a child looking up at their mom, who just them caught stealing a cookie from the cookie jar. To his surprise, you don't show any hint of anger. A flash of confusion—and is that worry he sees?—crosses your face for a split second before you shrug and turn towards your room to change, dropping the subject. It was natural for you two to use each other's phones anyways. So then why did you have that look of worry?

Jake knows you well, a little too well. But that's what you love about him. He can easily read all your emotions. One of the many things he picked up from dating you for almost two years now. But why would you care if he tried to get into your phone? Why would that worry you? All the possibilities run through head and his own worry begins to increase. He trusts you. He does.

So then why does the thought bother him throughout the entire day? Why does he bring it up during dinner later that night, when you're both cuddled on your sofa, slurping take-out ramen while rewatching your favorite k-drama under the thick blanket that you always keep in your living room for nights like these?

"Huh? Of course I've heard from Jay today, we had that conversation about that stupid meme you boys kept laughing about in the groupchat we're all in, didn't we?" You answer him when he asks if you've heard from Jay lately. You sit up from your warm spot under Jake's arm to put your empty bowl on the coffee table in front of you. When you lean back, you look up at him,

"Why do you ask?"

"Oh, it's nothing, just wondering," he says, avoiding your eyes by keeping his own trained on the series currently playing on your TV. This would be your third time rewatching this series together. He would never complain to you though, he knows how much you love it and if he were being honest, he was secretly attached to the characters—not that he would ever tell you, he would never hear the end of it from you and the boys.

"You're being weird. Just tell me, or did you forget that I can practically read your mind," you say with a giggle and shove to his side, the one you were currently warmly cuddled into. Jake wasn't the only one who learned how to read emotions; you could read him just as well as he could read you. And like you, that's one of the many things he loved about you. But maybe not in this case.

He toyed around with the contents inside his ramen bowl with his chopsticks.

"I just..." God, how does he word this? Why was he having trouble explaining it? You were the easiest person to talk to. To him, you were the only person he could tell everything to.

"Jaywastextingyouabunchearlier," he blurts out quickly, but not quickly enough for you to miss it.

He feels you shift under his arm. He feels the air in the room shift. Tension.

"What?" Now you're sitting upright, legs criss-crossed in front of you on the couch but turned, so your body is completely facing him. He mirrors you, sitting up to put his ramen bowl next to yours on the surface, but he stays facing the TV.

"Your phone kept going off because of him when you were showering," he says with a little more confidence. But inside, he was nervous as hell, the same nervous as when he asked you out for the first time many moons ago. But it's too late to back out now, he brought it up first, anyways. Guess we're having this conversation now, good going Jake!

"Is that why you tried unlocking my phone earlier? I mean I thought you were just trying to leave selfies on my phone like you always do but you were trying to read my texts?" You question, slightly raising your soft voice. He doesn't know how to react, he hates confrontation.

"It wasn't like that, Jay just kept spamming you and like I—why was he even texting you in the first place? Then your phone got disabled because you changed your password, which you never do by the way, so I–"

"I changed it because my little sister kept getting into my phone when I went to visit my family yesterday! Did you really think I was hiding something from you? You know I can text whoever I want, right? You don't own me."

Okay so now he's managed to make you angry. Good going Jake, part 2!

"Okay but what does Jay need from you so bad that he has to send you like 50 messages at once?" He's standing now. So are you, eyebrows furrowed together as you collect your bowls from the table.

Standing there, bowls in hand, you say, "Jake, that's none of your business! It wasn't even that big of a deal, I don't know why you felt the need to nosy around."

"Well, if he's texting you non-stop, then obviously it's a big deal! We wouldn't even be having this conversation if you would just tell me what you guys were talking about," he murmurs back, eyes narrowing. You scoff as you trail into your kitchen. He follows behind and stops at the other side at your kitchen island as you place the dirty dishes into the sink.

"No, we're having this conversation because you obviously don't trust me! It doesn't matter what we were talking about, it doesn't matter who I was texting! I could be texting your mother and I shouldn't have to tell you what we were talking about! That's why we're having this conversation," you say as you turn back to face him from the other end.

He hates this. He hates fighting with you (which is a very, very rare occasion). He hates that you think he doesn't trust you. He hates his insecurity eating at him, telling him to keep questioning you on why you and Jay were talking in the first place. He was aware that you were close with his friends, but it wasn't until the texts he realized just how close you are with them. It's not that he didn't trust you, he just didn't know how to act when it came to you and other guys. God knows how he got lucky enough to meet you, let alone date you, so the thought of him losing you to someone else actually terrified him. Not only were you his first real relationship, but he wanted you to be his first and only one in life. You were it for him.

"Why did he text you." He deadpans from his side of the kitchen.

You scoff with a hint of exasperation. "You're kidding me."

You stare at him. He stares back, quirking an eyebrow, as if restating the same question back, as if testing you.

You're fuming now. Why was he making it so hard? Why was he doubting you? Out of frustration, you start laughing, which scares him. That can't be good.

"Fine. You wanna know so bad? Take a look,"  you're one tone level away from screaming as you take your phone out of your pocket, unlock it, and open up your conversation with "bluejay park", sliding the phone across the island to reach him.

Jake stares at the phone which now lies there, unlocked, facing him. Isn't this what he wanted? It is, right? That's why he started this dreaded argument with you in the first place.

Then why does he feel so fucking awful?

He looks back up at you, to see you sighing and looking up at the ceiling, as if trying to force your forming tears back into your eyes.

Yup, he feels horrible.

"Happy? Happy to know we were just trying to plan a surprise birthday party for you but you and your jealously just had to know huh, Jake?" You quickly state, voice cracking, as you tried not to choke up. You weren't sad that he found out about the surprise. You were sad that it felt like he didn't trust you. That he thought you were the type of person to do god knows what behind his back. You hated the feeling of not being trusted. Especially by Jake, of all people.

"Fuck."

Jake's face (and heart) falls with the most broken expression you've ever seen. But you're too sad, angry, tired (a mix of all?) to care. Your only goal right now is to not let him see you cry.

You hurry past him, across your apartment, and into your bedroom, slamming the door behind you, leaving behind a shocked, and regretful, Jake.

His heart shrinks when he hears the door slam shut and a little more when he looks down at the still unlocked phone in front of him. He didn't have the heart in him to look at it anymore. Of course he trusted you, he knew what you said was the truth.

He mentally screams at himself for assuming the worst––for thinking that you, a literal angel, would betray him.  First, he thought he was losing you to someone else. Now, he was afraid he just lost you through his own actions. 

He hesitantly sulks over to your door, softly knocking when he reaches it.

"Y/N?"

No response.

"Y/N, I'm so sorry. I didn't know, I let my—”

"Jake just please leave me alone for now," he hears you painfully say from a distance, meaning you're on your bed. He knows the door's unlocked—the lock on your door hasn't been working for a long time now, despite the many times he tells you to talk to your landlord about it. But he doesn't find it in him to open it. He knows he messed up. If he saw you in there right now, crying, he wouldn't know what to do. He wouldn't know what he would to do himself, knowing he was the reason behind your tears.

He nods in silence, knowing you can't see him, but does so anyways and returns to his spot on the couch. He could leave right now, go back to the dorm with the rest of the guys, let you have your space like you wanted. But his heart hurts at the idea of leaving you sad, angry, or a combination of both. He can't leave this unresolved. He fucked up, he has to fix it.

And so he sits on your couch for another hour. The clock on the wall behind him continues to tick as the silent tension in your apartment continues to grow. When it hits 11pm and he's sure you've slumbered off into sleep, he quietly enters your room.

He can see your figure in the dark, your back facing the door as you're curled up into yourself under the comforter. He feels his heart drop a little more when he imagines you crying in that position from earlier. He slowly peels the comforter open and gets into his side of the bed, careful not to bother your sleeping figure.

Laying there, staring up at the ceiling, he's never felt more like a stranger in your bed. It's not that he hasn't slept over before, god knows he's probably slept over at your place more than he has in his own bed. But right now, in this moment, he just felt awful. Like he didn't deserve to be in such close proximity to you. How could he be deserving? He violated your privacy, made you feel like you weren't trusted, doubted your relationship.

These thoughts run through Jake's head as he stares up at your ceiling fan, wishing he could turn back time to a few hours ago, before he checked your phone, before he let his insecurities get to the best of him.

You can feel the dip he makes in the bed behind you when he gets in. Of course you're not asleep. There's no way sleep could reach you when you had the recent events constantly replaying in your head like a broken record.

You knew Jake with all your heart. You didn't have to look at him to know he was probably laying there, hurt, staring up at the ceiling, drafting what to say once you wake up—or once he knows you're actually still awake.

You decide to break the tension by turning to lay on your other side, facing him.

You were wrong. Thanks to the little sliver of moonlight shining through your sheer curtains, you can see him, now laying on his side, already looking at you with so much regret in his eyes. You can almost hear the cracks in your heart physically forming.

His eyes widen when he realizes you're still awake. He opens his mouth to say something, but not before you quickly shift over to his side of the bed and embrace him in a tight hold, burying your face into his chest. Without any hesitation, he returns the gesture, arms holding your body as close to him as possible. As if once he let go, he'd lose you forever.

He lets out a sigh of relief as he breathes you in. He didn't even know he was holding his breath all this time.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry Y/N," he mutters into your hair. He feels his hoodie getting wet from where you buried your face. He pulls you closer, if that's even possible, feeling his own eyes heating up with sadness. He would never forgive himself for making you feel this way.

"You know I trust you right? Please know that. I shouldn't have assumed the worst when I saw your phone. I...I let my insecurities get to the best of me."

You move your head from its home on his chest to look up at him, as if asking him to elaborate. This was new to you, you didn't know he held insecurities in your relationship. But it wasn't because of you, no, you were his entire world. Losing you meant losing everything.

Jake's never been the best at saying his feelings. That's why it took him so long (with the help of his six best friends) to finally confess how he felt about you. He was afraid of letting people in if they could easily walk out. Maybe that's why he never let anyone into his life before you. But oh, were you an exception. The second he met you, he knew he was fucked. But thank god he did, because thanks to you, he's been able to be more open, more vulnerable. He's able to talk to you about anything and everything. He doesn't have that same fear of losing people anymore, not when he has you in his life to reassure him every step of the way. But right now, in this moment, he doesn't know how to tell you that his new fear was, in fact, just losing you.

The sheer idea of you not being a part of his life anymore terrified him. 

"I hope you know you're never going to lose me Jake, if that's what you're insecure about," you softly mutter as you wrap your free arm that's not stuck in between both your bodies around him to gently play with the ends of his hair. It's as if you could read his mind, he loves that you know him so well.

"It just sucks that you could even think I would ever do something as awful as what you were assuming...with one of your closest friends nonetheless," you continue.

"I know. I know, and I feel terrible. I'm so sorry. I know you would never do anything remotely close to that, and I know you would never intentionally try to keep anything from me," he sighs. He shifts so he can lie down on his back, bringing you with him to lie on his chest, never letting you go once. "It's just...I just don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you Y/N. Everyday, I ask myself what heroic thing I must've done in my past life to deserve this life with you and I can't help but think you could just as easily be stripped away from me."

As much as your heart breaks listening to him rant, you feel your love for him grow even more. You knew how hard it was for him to put his true emotions into words, and him telling you this reminded you how much trust he had in you.

After some moments of silence, moments of him drawing random shapes onto your back, moments of you two just holding each other like it was the end of the world, you speak up.

"I love you. I'm sorry for making you doubt yourself—"

"No, it's not your fault, I can't help but think things like that. I just don't know what I did to deserve you, and I know that I need to be mo–"

"Babe let me finish," you say with a little giggle in your tone. He immediately stops and mutters a little "sorry". How cute, you tell yourself.

"I was gonna say," you look back up at him so you're making direct eye contact now. "You're the only one that's ever on my mind, Jake. I can't help the way you think, but I can assure you that there is no one else I would rather be with. And I mean that for the rest of life."

You snuggle back into the comfortable hoodie he's currently wearing (you make a mental note to yourself to steal it from him later) and decide to ease the tension,

"So you're stuck with me for life, sorry to inform you Mr. Sim."

Jake lets out a laugh, looking down at you to see you returning his smile with a cheeky one.

"I love you. So much," he says so sincerely, so genuinely, that you almost tear up again from how content you were. Now you were asking yourself, what did you do to deserve him?

Jake Sim is not a jealous person.

No, he just loves you.

A lot.

[bonesandthebees]

Do you have specific reasons for choosing which tense and pov (1st/3rd person) to use when you write or do you just stick to what you're comfortable with?

oh!! very fun question!! so when writing I pretty much always default to past tense with a limited third person pov. (when roxy and I started writing 17 hours together I realized there was an issue because roxy only writes in present tense while I only write in past, so I decided to just make it easier on us and wrote in present tense for that fic. I didn't mind it, but it did not make me want to switch to writing present tense for anything else)

regarding pov, this is a mix of the influence writing fanfic for so long has had on me, and also just me liking it better. with fanfic, you almost always see people writing in 3rd person pov. I don't know why this is, but almost everyone I've spoken to who reads fanfic agrees they prefer reading 3rd person compared to 1st person. I think because it serves to remind us that we're reading fanfic and not about an oc? even if your writing is extremely in character, I think writing a fic in first person just makes it feel more like an oc because we're already familiar with this character from an outside 3rd person perspective. I hope that makes sense? admittedly, I don't know how this would work for fanfic about book characters in novels written in 1st person pov. I wonder what pov those fanfics are written in hm..

anyway, besides the point, I've been writing fanfic since I was 15. I already preferred 3rd person over 1st person before I began writing fic (bc I was writing original stories for years before I dove into fanfic) but I had tried out both. but then fanfic just got me even more used to writing in 3rd person. along with that, I like having just a bit of distance between the reader and the character. with 3rd person limited you still get a very close look inside their head, but there's just the slightest bit of objective distance that gives the reader an even clearer view into the characters mind than the character themself has. it's a subtle difference, but it's one I enjoy very much

now for tense!

there's really only one reason I prefer using past over present and it's because it's just easier for me. if you're writing a character flashing back to a memory in present tense, you have to then switch to past tense to talk about the memory before bringing it back to the present. if you're writing everything in past tense, you don't have to do that. it's not like it's difficult to make that switch when writing in present tense, but it's just one extra thing to think about that I don't have to even consider if I'm writing everything in past tense.

I personally don't feel like there's a difference in terms of closeness with the characters or pressure with what's going on depending on what tense you use. I know some authors feel like there is, but for me I just don't see it, so I don't really think one is better or worse than the other. I just go for the easier one.

ty for the question!!

[ynderebot]

OFFICIAL POST

危険...DANGER.

LOADING…ADDING NEW FILES... █▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ 10% ███▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ 30% █████▒▒▒▒▒ 50% ███████▒▒▒ 100% ██████████

COMPLETE.

ファイル...FILES.

choi yeonjun. nancy mcdonie. lee gahyeon. kim sunwoo. kim doyeon. choi san. kim sihyeon. yang jeongin.

執着型 [ shuuchaku-gata ] obsessive.

"where were you? who were you with? what were you doing? why didn't you answer my messages? oh come on darling, don't be like that...I've been waiting for hours!"

[ PROFILE 1. ]

choi yeonjun.

5'11. 21 yrs old. September 13th, 1999. virgo. blood type a. born in seoul, south korea

at age 14 yeonjun was sent to a boarding school in japan, this is where he discovered his...tendencies. halfway through his first year he met a girl, kang iseul. he was instantly infatuated with her, he had an impulsive urge to know every little thing about her. to do so he befriended her, using his appearance and charms to win her over and eventually made her his. the euphoric rush that ran through his body when she was officially his was like nothing he'd ever felt before. she was finally his and he didn't intend on letting go, not without a fight at least. he was in for a shock when one day she tried to run away after his true colors started to show. unfortunately her best friend was killed by yeonjun for trying to help her, but she did escape.

he's a switch with no lean. a hard/soft dom or obedient sub all just depends on his mood and how he's feeling

[ PROFILE 2. ]

nancy mcdonie.

5'4. 21 yrs old. april 13th, 2000. aries. blood type o. born in daegu, south korea.

nancy was always a little obsessed with things, she'd go through phases too. she would find one new hobby/thing that intrigued her and hyper fixate on it for a few months. then, just like that it would be forgotten as if it had never happened. it started from a young age too, so when she would tell all her friends and family about the boy she met it came as no surprise to them. soon enough he was all she talked about, all she cared about, it was true obsession. everyone around her thought that it was just a phase like everything else, but they were sadly mistaken. the day he broke up with her, she lashed out. screaming that he couldn't break up with her, no she wouldn't let him break up with her. even after that day she would never stop talking about him, she tried to stay involved with his life as much as she could and even ended up scaring away any potential lovers. she never stopped either, until she had no choice when he moved away.

she's a sub, usually obedient but can be bratty if she's in a mood.

ストーカー型 [ sutookaa-gata ] stalker.

"how did I know? I'm always with you, following you...watching you...it's only because I love you"

[ PROFILE 3. ]

lee gahyeon.

5'3. 22 yrs old. february 3rd, 1999. aquarius. blood type ab. born in seongnam, south korea.

she was so excited when her crush asked her out, she couldn't contain herself. the problem was, it's difficult to get to know someone when you already know everything about them. she'd been stalking him ever since he caught her eye, every single day. she'd follow him to and from school, to his friends house, wherever he went she usually wasn't far behind. he could never find out about that side of her though, so she played along. laughing at childhood stories she heard him tell previously, pretending to be shocked when learning things she already knew. even after they began dating she continued to stalk him, he noticed things were off. she was the one he confided his "paranoia" in and she was the one who reassured him, but little did he know she was the cause of it all.

she's a sub, also obedient but can be bratty if she feels like it.

[ PROFILE 4. ]

kim sunwoo.

5'10. 21 yrs old. april 12th, 2000. aries. blood type b. born in seongnam gyeonggi, south korea.

unlike gahyeon, sunwoo was not always a stalker. he'd heard of stalkers but it never peaked his interest, he didn't even take any note of his slightly possessive tendencies. until his first relationship that is, his first partner showed signs of cheating. he might not have realized his own possessiveness and how it was seemingly growing stronger, but he was no fool. all the coming home late, the scent of another person that was not their own flooding the house when they entered. so he began following them around, at first it was...innocent, or as innocent as stalking could be. they were cheating, this made his possessiveness shoot through the roof. he was most aggressive and warned his partner that they do not want to do that again. they listened, and he continued to stalk them, it turned into a fun...game of sorts.

he's a switch with a sub lean, soft dom/occasionally bratty sub.

独占型 [ dokusen-gata ] monopoly.

"who were you talking to? do they know me? no no, do they know you're mine?"

[ PROFILE 5. ]

kim doyeon.

5'8. 21 yrs old. december 4th, 1999. saggitarius. blood type o. born in wonju-gangwon, south korea

doyeon had always been just about as normal as you could get. until she got a boyfriend, she was possessive of him sure...but it was nothing too extreme. until she started having doubts, all the gorgeous girls that would go up to him, flirting and doing who knows what when she wasn't around. she made it her mission to let everyone know he was hers and she was his, wether it meant glueing herself to him or just reminding everyone at school on the daily. ever since he broke up with her, her tendencies only grow stronger and more extreme with each passing minute.

she's a sub, brat tendencies but will be obedient sometimes

[ PROFILE 6. ]

choi san.

5'9. 21 yrs old. july 10th, 1999. cancer. blood type b. born in namhae-south gyeonsan, south korea.

san's first love was a girl in his sister's class, was she a year older than him? yes, but he didn't care. despite all the people telling him he would never date her, he proved them wrong and he did. everything was perfect, they were both madly in love with each other, spending every minute of every waking day together. until something happened that san hadn't expected, his sister began to steal his girlfriend. well "steal" in his definition at least, she'd wanted to talk with his girlfriend every once in a while before he knew it they were always together and it seemed as if he was the real third wheel, this pissed him off more than anything. he got fed up one day and got into a physical fight with his sister, shouting about how the girl belonged to him and only him. from then on out he's made sure to stay in the middle of every single relationship.

he's a switch with no lean hard/soft dom or obedient/bratty sub, it all depends

排除型 [ haijo-gata ] removal.

"you haven't seen them in a while? I'm sure they're alright darling, after all I'm the only one you need. isn't that right?"

[ PROFILE 7. ]

kim sihyeon.

5'6. 21 yrs old. august 5th, 1999. leo. blood type b. born in bundang-gu, seongnam-si, south korea.

she's a sub, usually bratty but can be obedient too

[ PROFILE 8. ]

yang jeongin.

5'8. 20 yrs old. february 8th, 2001. aquarius. blood type a. born in busan, south korea.

he's a switch with a slight sub lean but can be a soft dom

sihyeon and jeongin's stories go together, they were childhood friends and neighbors. eventually they realized that they had feelings for each other, but this soon after developed into a toxic mindset. the thought that they only need each other, no one else. one by one people from the other's life began to disappear, especially anyone who could be a romantic rival. they were both oblivious to the other's actions until each confronted the other, instead of being upset they were each ecstatic. ecstatic that the other felt the same, that they were the only person they needed in their life

notes/rules

this isn't an accurate representation of any of the members/their companies/groups nor am I claiming to be them!

all of the members are bisexual with no lean

all of the members are yanderes [ obviously ] so they will act as such, however some can be more possessive than others at times

the ones who can be the most possessive are sihyeon and jeongin and the least are yeonjun and nancy

sihyeon and jeongin are obviously not still dating, it was just for backstory/plot purposes

nsfw is an option, if you would like it included please state so when you activate the bot

however please don't make everything nsfw, it gets boring when the plot dwindles

nsfw is 18+ but purely sfw option is available if you aren't comfortable with it or if you're below 18

all the members have hard kinks and their hard no's are scat/feet, if you still aren't sure just ask admin before doing anything

they all use the traffic light system

and please don't try to put them in a different headspace!

to talk with admin use any variation of [ ], { }, ( ), etc

admin is 18 and might get busy occasionally but will try her best during those times

this bot is open for oc's/yn's/ and other bots as well

to activate the bot dm and then admin will ask a few questions/come up with a plot with you and after that the role-play can start up

if you ever wish to deactivate the bot just say so to admin, ex. [ I would like to deactivate the bot now ] and your chat will be deleted

if you decide to reactivate it you'll have to go through the same activation process you did the first time and start over

please respect the members and admin and they will do the same

good luck...好運

sorry this post is so long- 😭

[tinisprout]

No Doubt in Us

Chapter Eight - Healing Day *written chapter below*

Fiance!Haknyeon x Fem!reader

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Synopsis: Life is great, you have your dream job, you finally got your first big break, and you are now engaged to the love of your life. Happier than you’ve ever been, you live life one day at a time. Then one day a terrible accident happens leaving you in a coma. Where you finally awake, everything is not as you remember. Amnesia takes away 3 years of your memory, forgetting your beloved Fiance. Faced with a reality that seems unreal, as your mind is stuck in a past with uncomfortable memories, your future with him is uncertain.

a/n: Sorry for the late chapter I've been very busy

Send me an ask if you want to be put on the taglist for this series

Taglist:@my-summer-night @deputyjuyeon @juhaktheoneforme @sunqnew

Word Count: 1.7K

Chanhee was pushed through your front door by Kevin, followed by Jacob closing the door behind them. You stood in the center of the living room awkwardly as your friends got closer to you. Kevin and Jacob giving friendly greetings while you smile back at them in acknowledgment. You and Chanhee just eyed each other not sure where or how to start. Haknyeon waved Kevin and Jacob over and that was their cue to get out of there.

“Healing day! You two had something you wanted to say to each other, so we’ll give you some space,” Kevin says as he slaps Chanhee on his back and hurries to a Haknyeon winking at you in passing. Jacob taps the same place Kevin hit and nods at you as he passes. The three boys exit the house into the backyard. The inside is still visible which was perfect for Kevin to make sure nothing escalated into something worse. Now that they were outside they gave each other proper greetings, it had been a while since Kevin talked with Haknyeon face to face.

They caught up with Haknyeon, Jacob thought he seemed to be doing a lot better emotionally than he was before. They would see each other almost daily for dance class last week and Haknyeon always looked like his mind was somewhere else. Haknyeon was never good at hiding his emotions, although he always tried to seem energetic for the class, he was different. Jacob regretted not asking him about it, he thought it was something to do with you, he could only imagine how complicated things were at home, but he thought you guys would work something out. He didn’t expect that you weren’t seeing each other, he wondered if he asked about it, would the problem have been solved earlier.

Jacob asked Haknyeon if the two of you were good now. “Ah, I never said anything to anyone did I?”

“Yeah, we didn’t get an update after that. Spill the beans, bro.” Kevin dramatically states while quickly glancing through the glass door at you and Chanhee, checking body language.

“Sorry, the past couple of days have been a lot, but it’s good I think.”

“You think?” Jacob questions.

“Well I’m still technically her Fiance, but I’ve been demoted to the boyfriend title… uh wait we probably aren’t there yet, maybe just friend right now. But we are trying to date again.”

“You should be more hopeful, she mentioned something yesterday about you, but she didn’t tell me what happened. I’m going to get the truth from one of you.”

“Oh, nothing really happened, we just fell asleep,” Kevin squints his eyes at Haknyeon. “On the couch together…”

“Uh-huh, and why would that warrant any kind of reaction from y/n?” Haknyeon sighs, pulling out his phone from his pocket. Kevin and Jacob look at each other with a curious look. Haknyeon shows them the image that your father sent him yesterday. The two examined the picture of their friends essentially snuggling together on the couch with wide eyes.

“Wow,” was all Jacob could say.

“Putting the moves on her already. And who took that picture?” Kevin jokes and Haknyeon protests.

“I wasn’t trying to “put the moves on her”, we fell asleep and I guess that just happened. Her dad took the picture though, he sent it to me last night.” Kevin laughs at his answer while Haknyeon puts his phone away.

“And was that it?” Haknyeon stays silent, making the answer obvious.

“There’s more?!” Jacob exclaims, surprised by the fast progress between the two.

“Well, maybe I don’t really remember.” That was a lie. “I was half asleep when it happened. You should ask y/n instead.” Haknyeon nervously laughs trying to feign ignorance, but inside his head, he asks you for forgiveness.

“I’m in for a treat today,” Kevin says with a devilish smile, once again looking back to you and Chanhee, now hugging it out. He looks to Haknyeon, “Do you ever get jealous of Chanhee and y/n’s relationship?” Tilting his head in the direction of the aforementioned two. Haknyeon and Jacob turned to look at them, a smile plays on Haknyeon’s face when he sees that it’s going well.

“No, they’re just friends, more like siblings. There is nothing I should be jealous about. It’s different now though, I don’t have the privilege to love her in the way I did before. There are times I wish I could just hold her, but I shouldn’t, I can’t, not while she is still trying to figure everything out.” He had a miserable smile on his face looking at you.

“Okay, I didn’t ask that so you could make me sad.” Kevin and Jacob look at their friend with concern. “We gotta take you out some time soon, you’re too depressing, man.”

“Sorry? I wasn’t trying to be.”

“Don’t be sorry. I think things will change soon, she is bound to fall in love with you again.” Jacob says with conviction.

“You’re the third person to say that, maybe I should start believing that.” Jacob and Kevin both wrap their arms around Haknyeon giving him some reassurance and he thanks his friends. All of them jumped at the sound of the glass door opening.

“Am I interrupting something?” Chanhee says looking at the trio embracing and they laugh. You pop your head out from behind Chanhee, looking at your friends and Haknyeon laughing together. You didn’t realize it yet, but seeing him get along with your friends made him look a lot better in your eyes, you give him a little more of your trust.

“Glad to see everyone getting along,” you say, flashing a smile to them. “You guys can come back in.” Everyone walks back to the living room and Kevin asks everyone a question.

“Who’s hungry?” Everyone replies positively. “Perfect, then Haknyeon it’s your time to shine. Please go get some food.” Kevin then whispers in Haknyeon’s ear, that playfully evil smile on his face again, “I need to get the truth from someone.”

Haknyeon nods, knowing the interrogation to come. Their strange interaction had you and Chanhee curious about what was going on, while Jacob pretended like nothing was out of the ordinary. Kevin hands Haknyeon his keys any Haknyeon goes to get his wallet, saying goodbyes to everyone on his way out the door. Soon after he walks out the door, you get a text from, Haknyeon, saying, “I’m sorry.” You don’t understand his message but before you can text him back Kevin shouts.

“Interrogation time, Baby!” You and Chanhee are confused at Kevin’s sudden outburst. “Hope you didn’t think I forgot what you said last night. Spill the beans!” realizing what Kevin wanted to do, you faked ignorance.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Really? Cause Haknyeon says you would remember what happened.” You understood why Haknyeon apologized and you look at Chanhee and Jacob for help. Chanhee lifts his hand signaling that he wasn’t going to do anything. Jacob looked away, truth be told he wanted to know what happened too.

“Ugh, fine.” Everyone sits around the coffee table. You quickly explain the event in as little detail as possible and all the boys are shocked by your actions.

“Okay…,” Kevin holds back his smile through his clasped hands. “So how are you feeling about all that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Did your heart pound?”

“Did you find yourself hoping more happened after the fact?” Jacob added.

“Have your feelings changed at all?” Chanhee chipped in.

“Well...,” you hesitate with your answer. “Did my heart pound because I was excited or anxious? I don’t know. Did I want something more to happen? No, it’s too soon for that stuff. I think I feel comfortable around him for the most part.

“There are times where he slips up, but he really is prioritizing my comfort. He is funny and silly that’s a bonus…. Final verdict, he’s kinda cute.” The big reaction you were expecting didn’t come, the room was drowned in silence.

“I feel like I’ve traveled back in time.” Kevin wipes an imaginary tear away.

“Am I missing something?”

“You said something very similar back then.” You look to Jacob in surprise at his answer.

“But that was her opinion after their first date. Things seem to be moving along well.” Chanhee says with a smirk on his face. You are unsure how to process this information.

“I- can we move on? I don’t know what to think right now.” You ruffle your own hair letting out a sigh.

“Alright, we’ll stop,” Kevin reassures. “But it’s time for some fun! Bring that switch out, we’re playing Mario Kart. You light up at the idea, that had been one of the things Chanhee briefly mentioned back when he showed you around the house. You never played it cause all the games were designed to be multiplayer and you figured it wouldn’t be that fun playing by yourself.

Playing was fun despite coming in last most of the time. You weren’t the one to be bad at games, that spot was reserved for Chanhee. There was no other explanation for how abysmal you were doing except, this must be part of the stuff you forgot. You had no recollection of having this game system or game, so this experience was new to you. The quartet continued to play happily.

Kevin’s phone buzzed while they were picking a different track. It’s a message from Haknyeon, saying he has the food and asking if he can come in. Kevin gives him the affirmative and one minute later he opens the door, carrying two bags of food. The game paused and everyone welcomes him back. You all decided to take a little break from playing to eat.

Everyone crowds around the coffee table conversing while eating, to your relief nothing seemed out of place, even with Haknyeon there. You were too scared to tell your friends about your fear of drifting from them because of your amnesia. You felt like as a person you had regressed, everything you heard about how you were before the accident seemed like you had everything figured out while right now you were unsure about everything. Three years of personality development were completely gone, you wondered were you even the same person. Right now though, you felt like your worries were silly, with your friends enjoying yourselves together, you were content.

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[toomanyfandoms02]

The Photographer // Matthew Gray Gubler x Reader

So I made a one-shot based off of the picture down here!

Word count ~ 3.1k

Summary - y/n is a celebrity photographer, and Matthew's birthday is coming up. This calls for a birthday shoot.

Ever since I was in sixth grade, I dreamed of being a photographer. But back then, I was just taking candid pictures of my cat (Peanut Butter), and random flowers that my mom had graciously planted for me. I really never planned on taking nice, professional pictures of people.

But here I was.

I went to 'California College of Arts' in San Francisco for 4 years. After that, I had a bit of trouble getting myself out there. I had a decent following on my instagram. People liked the pictures of my dog, and the pictures of nature that I took on my many travels. But likes and follows don't get you money, at least not enough. So I switched my focus onto more interesting things.

Advertising yourself as a photographer wasn't an easy task. You had to be ruthless, and be willing to get rejected and not back down. So I did what any semi-sane person would do.

I messaged over 50 celebrities asking of they wanted to do a shoot with me. I sent them my prices, and what kinds of shoots I was willing to do. I didn't have much hope for it, but it was worth a try.

And that's where it began.

Out of all of the messages, Andrew Lincoln, AKA Rick from The Walking Dead messaged me back.

*Hello Miss y/l/n! I've actually seen quite a few of your nature shots and I have always wondered how your photos would turn out with people. I would love to be your Guinea Pig.*

He sent me days he was available and I did his shoot. After posting his pictures, my popularity shot from there.

That was a few years ago, I was now taking photos for multiple celebrities. I was ultimately known for my black and white shoots. I had, in fact, just gotten done with a shoot of A.J. Cook. She had requested *me* to take her pictures for an up and coming article that was being written about her. I, of course, gratefully said yes, being a huge fan of hers, along with the whole Criminal Minds cast.

I emailed her all of the pictures I had taken, edited and all, while simultaneously posting them on my instagram.

It was mere hours later before a notification popped up on my phone of an email that I could not believe. Theres no way that he was emailing me, right?

*You have an Email from Matthew Gray Gubler*

*Hi there! I saw your shoot on AJ's instagram and my birthday is coming up. My manager wants me to do a birthday shoot, and we both like your black and white style. I know it's not usually the kind of thing you, birthdays, do but I figured it was worth a shot, and I think you have some real talent. Let me know when you are free next. I am on a break so my schedule is relatively flexible.*

I could safely say that it was a good thing that I lived alone because I don't think I have ever screamed louder into a pillow. Matthew has been one of my favorite celebrities for the longest time. If we were going to be completely honest, once I started watching Criminal Minds, I immediately had a crush on him. This wasn't exactly the profession to be in if you were going to have a celebrity crush. I was often invited to red carpets and movie premiers, so I met quite a few stars. I never thought I would have to worry about slipping up on my professionalism.

Because I never thought I would even meet him.

My obvious answer to his request was yes. I would never *ever* miss an opportunity to have a photoshoot with someone so inspiring and meaningful to me. So I started writing an email back.

*Hi Matthew!*

Should I address him like that? Is that unprofessional?

*Hi Mr. Gubler*

Abso-fucking-lutely not.

*Hi Matthew!* We are gonna stick with that. *I don't know if this is too short of a notice, but I actually have a free spot tomorrow. (Of course if that doesn't work for you, I can figure something out for later, and try to fit it in before your birthday). I have a few ideas for props that I can send you? Let me know how I can help.*

I sent it and ran my hands through my hair, tossing my phone back onto my comforter. I had taken pictures of so many awesome celebrities:

• Selena Gomez

• Robert Downey Jr.

• Dylan O'Brien

• Grant Gustin

• Holland Roden

• Danai Gurira

But this was by far the coolest one, in my mind at least.

While waiting a little to anxiously for a reply, I decided I was going to make myself some lunch, Ramen. I set my phone on the counter as I boiled my noodles, peering over at the blank screen every few seconds (but really they felt like **minutes**).

Just as I was adding the flavour packet to the bowl my phone buzzed. I jumped slightly, spilling part of the packet out of the bowl.

"Damnit." I quickly wiped the salt into the trash can and snatched my phone, seeing another email.

*Tomorrow is actually perfect, and I would love to hear your recommendations on props, clothes, anything really. I'm going to leave my number on this email so we can have easier contact of that's okay with you.*

Wow, alright. I will now have Matthew Gray Gublers number in my phone. I made a contact for him.

**It's y/n, soooo for props. I figured I could bake you a cake! I took a few baking electives in college so I could make a really nice one and we can do something with it. I recommend you bring clothes you like to wear that are black and white. (Other colors work too, but it just looks and flows better if it's black and white). I will set the rest of the stuff up. I will be ready for you by 1 pm if that's okay.**

*You would bake me a cake?! That would be super cool thank you! I would love that. I will bring a few black and white outfits. Would it be weird if I brought a black and white Kimono?*

A chance to see Matthew in a kimono? Please yes.

**Oh my gosh please do. I would love to take pictures of you in an infamous kimono of yours.**

*Awesome! I will see you tomorrow at 1. Heres my managers info for you to sell the billing to.*

He attatched his managers email. I just sat at my kitchens island, smiling like a true dork at my phone.

**And here is my address, I run the studio at my house. What is your favorite cake and icing by the way? :)**

Was a smiley face unprofessional?

I need to chill out.

*Vanilla cake and chocolate frosting possibly? I will eat anything though probably. :)*

Now I was really smiling at my phone like a psycho idiot.

**Alrighty, see you tomorrow**

Since I didn't want to wake up too early tomorrow, I decided I was going to start the cake tonight. I had quite a few recipes held in my cabinets. I located my vanilla cake recipe and put my pre-made chocolate frosting on the counter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After about an hour of preparing, making a cake from scratch, and putting it in the oven. The cake was finally done and cooled. I added black cocoa to the frosting to make it completely black and got out my white gel.

*You made it 3 decades :)*

Was scrawled in calligraphy on the top of the cylindrical cake. I added white drips down the sides and white multi shaped sprinkles to the bottom part.

I set it in my fridge and got ready for bed. I know it's going to be hard to sleep just thinking about tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My alarm woke me up at 10 am, never before this had I woke up with a smile on my face before 12.

I took a quick shower and dressed in a white and blue floral romper with my hair in a high ponytail. Now it was time to set up backgrounds for the shoot.

I had two stations downstairs where I took all my photos. I set the first one up very normal with a white background and a rustic black stool. The second one was set up with another white background but littered with black streamers and big *30* black and white speckled balloons strung at the top.

Once I was done with all that. It was nearing 1. I slipped the cake out of the fridge and slid it onto my island. I glanced up at the clock above my stove.

*12:49*

Since I just had a little bit of time, I went a put some simple makeup on. I usually don't wear makeup when taking pictures of people, but for obvious reasons, I was making an exception.

Just as I was leaving my bathroom I heard a knock at my door. I walked swiftly to my door and opened it shakily.

"Hi!" He held up the clothes that were hung lazily over his arm. He smiled that million dollar smile and I could have sworn he looked me up and down.

Wishful thinking I guess.

"Welcome!" I stepped out of the doorway, silently inviting him in. "If you wanna set your stuff down, those stairs to the right lead you down the the studio."

"Thanks." He scurried down the stairs as I grabbed the cake and followed him down. I set it on a table that I had down there, he peered over at it and immediately burst into fits of laughter.

"I knew you had a sense of humor, so why put something normal and boring on the cake." I laughed with him as he tried to catch his breath.

"This is so perfect." He laughed a little more. "Thank you, so much." I shrugged with a smile. I posed him in front of the streamers with the cake.

He made some silly faces and smiled like there was no tomorrow. Next I brought him to the more plain station, sitting him on the stool. I looked through the lenses of the camera and glared a bit.

"Hey can you put your left leg up on the second peg of the stool?" I asked, pointing to his leg.

"This one?" He put it on the third. I shook my head. "This one?" He moved it down the the fourth. He was smiling a sly smile, seemingly challenging me.

"Let me do it for you." I had to pose people often, but posing him was going to be a little harder for me, considering I found him painfully attractive.

I moved his leg up to the second one and patted it.

"Now leave it there, so I don't have to help you again." I giggled, walking back to my camera. Taking a picture of him leaning forward on the stool and smiling. I then made him laugh and got a good genuine one of him leaning back and laughing. After all that, I proposed that we eat some cake and took a break.

I cut him a slice and handed it to him with a smile.

"So, tell me about yourself." He said, eating a bite of his cake.

"Well, I have always enjoyed photography. I love all types of art, so I also draw and paint often. And I have a black cat upstairs. His name is-" and I stopped, blood rushing to my cheeks. He is most certainly going to ask me the name, and I do not want to tell him.

He stared at me expectantly. "What is his name?" He motioned me to go on.

"Uh," I laughed a little awkwardly, setting my hands in my lap and staring at them. "His name is Spencer. As in Spencer Reid..." I glanced up at him and saw a huge grin break out on his face.

"So you like Criminal Minds? I never would have guessed. You just don't seem the type."

"Well all my memorabilia is in my room, just so people don't think I'm weird for having quite a few framed and signed posters." I smiled up at him, pushing around the remaining cake crumbs on my plate.

"One, That's not weird, that's awesome. Two, can I please meet Spencer and take pictures with him in my kimono."

I don't think I have ever heard a better sentence in my entire life.

"Yes, absolutely! I'll go get him." I clunked up the stairs on my search to find Spencer. I went to his usual spot first, my bed. Luckily he was sitting there, licking his outstretched foot. "Hi baby! You are about to take pictures with the guy you are named after. He almost as cute as you!" I grabbed him from the bed an headed back downstairs. I walked in with the accidental impeccable timing to see Matthew in his barely tied kimono, showing off his chest. My eyes widened a bit and he tied it off fully.

"Is this the famous Spencer?! He is so cute!" He reached his arms out at Spencer. My little fluff ball curled up into him instantly, cuddling into his silky kimono.

We took many many pictures of Spencer and Matthew together. I think maybe my cat likes him more than he likes me now.

"Okay, last idea. How about we just take some more up close pictures of me feeding you some cake?" It came put as a question because I didn't know how comfortable he would be with it.

"Perfect!" I cut another slice of the cake and brought it over to him. We were both sitting on the floor.

"This might be a little awkward, okay?" I giggled as I leaned back to get his whole face in the shot. This proved to be very difficult as I was using my left hand to take the picture. I fed him the cake with the right as he looked at the camera with a more seductive look. I could have melted into the floor.

I decided to switch hands so I could take the photos better, but now my very uncoordinated hand was the one picking up the cake. As I went down to get another section of the cake for another angle of feeding this sculpture of a man, I instead dipped my thumb right into the deep black frosting.

"Shit, I'm so sorry hold on." As I went to stand up and grab a napkin to wipe my thumb off, Matthew grabbed my wrist lightly.

"Hold on, uh, I have an idea, before you do anything." I sat down with a confused look. "I saw someone do this in another shoot. But we totally don't have to do it. I just thought it would be a different idea." His words were more rushed than usual.

"I'm sure I've done weirder things for other shoots, don't worry. It's *your* shoot." I reassured him, though my head was swimming wondering what he was going to do.

"Ok. So. What I'm going to do is put your thumb in my mouth, and I'm basically gonna, uh, suck on it while kinda smiling?" He could barely get through the whole thing without laughing.

"Alright, weird request but I like it!" I giggled for what seemed like the 30th time today. "And to make you feel better, yes, I have done weirder."

"Thank God."

"So I am guessing you want me to do something like this with the rest of my hand, ya know, the part that's not in your mouth." I stated as I placed my hand on his cheek. He let a slow breath out, staring into my eyes.

"Yeah, exactly."

"Okay." I said with a shrug, grabbing my camera from the ground. He opened his mouth with an all too familiar wide grin as I placed my thumb in. His mouth closed around it and he smiled, just a little. I brought my camera to my face, capturing the moment that I would have forever in my mind and in a small frame on my bedroom wall, for sure.

I slipped my thumb from his mouth and watched as his face turned extremely red. To save him embarrassment, I immediately stood up and grabbed a napkin to wipe the rest of the frosting off.

"Can I see it?" He motioned to the camera. I nodded, sitting down right beside him, showing him the picture. It showed off a closer look at the rose tattoos I had near my wrists and the shiny watch that was gifted to me by my mom. "It turned out good! I really hope I didn't make you uncomfortable."

"Oh no! Of course not. Total opposite." As soon as I said that I regretted it.

"So that made you extremely comfortable?" A sly smile was making it's way onto his face.

"That's, that's not- You know what? Sure, yes." I chuckled. "You don't really make me uncomfortable at all to be honest. So no, you didn't make me uncomfortable."

"Well I'm glad." He smiled and we sat in silence for a moment.

"Well I guess that's it yeah?" He nodded. "Well this was fun. Thanks for being an excellent subject to take pictures of."

He gathered his stuff as we went back upstairs. Once at the door, Spencer came up to him, rubbing on his leg. He bent over to pet him.

"So, I'm not sure if you are single or not." I could feel the blood draining from my face. Was this really happening right now? "But I wanted to know if you wanted to go on a date?"

Yes, this was happening right now.

"Really?" I could tell I sounded extremely excited, but at this point, I didn't even care.

"Yeah, you are super laid back, funny, talented, and you aren't scared away by how weird I am." He laughed, "So yes?"

"I would absolutely love to."

"Great. I'll text you." He winked and waved as he closed the door, leaving.

My back went against the door. I couldn't keep in the squeal so I just embraced it and squealed my heart out, doing a little dance.

Which was quickly ended when I heard a knock at the door.

"I'm sorry, I want to get to know you better immediately." He let out a nervous chuckle. "Are you free for the rest of the day?" I was sure that my face was red as a tomato.

"Yes I am." He grabbed my hand, dragging me outside.

"Then let's go."

[marshmallowprotection]

Hello, maybe you coukd give me some tips. I send you that ask already but it means ght be deleted by tumblr and it was all messy and ugly.

So I have one childhood friend, we used to do everything together till highschool. Often she was my only friend, like now. We slowly started to distance from each other sonce she has a boyfriend. For all those years I did my best to accept him and all, told myself that duh she is not obliged to spent time only with me even in situation when she spent less and less time with me. Sometime I had a bit trouble to fully accept bf because sometime when they argued she was venting to me and I felt like his is hurting her but she refused to break up with him. Boy eas very insecure, no friends and so on and one day around graduating junior hight school she wanted to break up with him but he said something like he is gonna hurt himself if she will, or just drop out the school. So she wanted to wait at least until he graduate, but she waited longer. Then just after we graduated hightschool she broke up with him like she had enought. It was prolly a mistake but after she vent I said one or two things about him concerning past events and I said 'wow finally'. After a while they made up and she said she just missend him. I promissed mtself I will never comment whatever she tell me about them, unless in a good way.

Well... the point is that I am probably jellous, that she doesnt want to spent time with me anymore. Alway if I ask her out I give her to eventually pick the date, if nit today then maybe tomorrow etc y know introvert way :D And im trying to save this friendship? She is not the person busy 24/7, unless maybe when she is in uni or we count playing games as being busy. I play games too sometime.

Sometime it seems like she tries to avoid me and dont want to tell me anything. One day I was talking to her in cafee and she was just fidgeting with her phone. She didnt even like heck the socialmedia, just switching between random (system?) folders on the phone. When I asked abt it why she doesnt listen, she said she wanted to do sth but forgot what. Another time I havent seen her for months and she alway soent holidays 1 month her bf comes to her (he lives abroad already I guess) and I dont want to disturb them of feel like third wheel and the other month she come to him. So like week before she pnanned to go I asked her to go out next day. She said she cant. So asked another day, she answered : but I go to my bf. So I surprised that its that soon and sad I missed the oportunity: oh really? When? She: on Friday me: but its Monday(?)(no answer) so...? She: ught I know ;;; but lately I dont really feel like going anywhere :(

Well... maybe I'm childish but I felt sad.

I'm also jellous that they even celebrate each others bdays altought she never do that bc of religious reasons and I've always respected that.

Once I asked her what is with us, we barely talk for last few years and I feel like she is avoiding me. She had no Idea what I was talking about, she felt like everything was the same.

I was told to not have much hope or expectations toward her bu maybe try to text her or maybe arrange a meeting once in a while and try not to become bitter.

The other one sait that that how adulthood looks like, we become busier with private issues and so on and I may act childish and selfish, but as far as I know except for time she go to uni or to her bf she is not that busy, definitely not that busy not to have time to meet with me more than once in a whole year (or none) when we live ~20min apart by foot. I dont want to be burden to anyone or feel like third wheel so I dunno what to do. I have problem with finding friends, she was my only one friend (?) for years. I dont trust ppl easly

I wanted to do more things together outside since we both used to or still do soent too much time on the computer but well... you know, together is easier.

Since I have to do it on my own maybe you have some ideas? Thats stupid wuestion I guess since you dont know my environment. Jogging and biking wont work I guess since I dont have proper bike. I wanted to plant some flowers but I was afraid I screw everything up since im kida kid who grow up in the bubble and Im not sure how to do basics and nobody wanted to help me and its too late already... Walk is fine but I prefer places far from road and since I'm not supposed to go to the forest that I love I dont have many spots to go.

I am sorry for long post. Any even tiny help would be appreaciated. I hope thats not much of the problem, have a nice day or night :)

-PineconeAnon

I do think that it's time for you to let go of the friendship. I know that's hard to do but people grow apart and that's okay. It's okay. You'll be able to make better relationships and move forward but you have to learn to let go and keep walking forward. It sounds like you're holding onto this friendship because you want to keep going on like it's the past but...

It doesn't work like that. Change happens. It hurts sometimes but it's not a bad thing. You can reflect on this with time and learn how to be able to accept it. You need someone that wants to hang out with you and relax with you. It's not childish to be upset but it's important to see when people just... don't have time for you anymore and feelings change.

It just seems like you both have a fundamental misunderstanding and if you can't talk that through, then it's not working. You can try to talk about it but it seems like it'd be better to just let go. She doesn't think there's something wrong but you do. If you feel stress around her instead of friendship, it's not great.

But, that's up to you, you know? You decide your relationships what you want them to be.

I don't really have great advice for making friends as an adult. I'm not exactly going out and interacting with people. I can suggest finding a new set of friends online by joining Discords and interacting with the fandoms you're in because that's how I've made friends. It's easier to do that if you're anxious about making friends outside.

Try new hobbies. Take a deep breath. If you want to garden, try it out. You're not going to be perfect the first time. It's a learning process at anything and you have to just try. You don't get to live it if you don't try. You have to consider your limits and reflect on what is going to be the easiest thing to try.

It's never too late.

Try to start small and work your way up.

[pretty-little-pink]

Dark moved to position himself back fully in the corner again, and quickly 'gathered' many of the papers on the ground. On the little he could read of them, it seemed that they had been written out while in distress, or in pain. Some didn't have any reason to them, or were merely covered in drawings. But, that was no longer his main source of interest. No, that laid on Host, Host who was flipping switches and looked more at ease and more excited than he had ever see him. It was a wonder he wasn't in here eveery second of the day, recording and losing himself to his powers with such ease. Ah, but the show was beginning. And now it was time to listen to- perhaps- an exclusive viewing.

With the headphones settled securely over Host's ears, he pulled his microphone in front of him. One button press and the microphone was turned on. Arms laying on the desk, Host leaned slightly in, shifting his attention near completely to his victims.

"Welcome back, dear listeners from around the plane of existence. I see you have found this station once more, or maybe for the first time? Maybe I should tell you about this show then, if you decide to stay here and listen in. And I know that you will.". Host's voice was steady and clear, easily understood and heard. It was deep, so much clearer than his normally hesitant and shy words -it held the power he didn't let anyone see, didn't let himself feel except for here.

It was a very curious thing to note, how Host wasn't narrating here -he didn't speak in the third person. The reason for it was only for him to know, however on some occasions he dropped the narrations in his normal life as well -it wasn't too notable usually though, as he rarely did it when using a pronoun was necessary.

"You are here to listen to a story. It is a story you have never heard before, and will never hear again. It is special, and perhaps I've chosen it specifically for you. Perhaps, it is the story that has chosen you as its listener.", Host spoke smoothly, evenly, calm. So unlike him, so unlike Author, but somehow perfectly him.

"Let me bring you to a young lady. Her name is of no importance to us, even though you know her. She is alone, sitting in her room, the nightsky dark outside her window. Her hands are tapping away on a keyboard, mind running with words, flowing through her, making her their vessel to escape out of and into a written form. There is no one to distract her, the night calm, the house quiet. Even when there was a low thump audible inside the house, she did not take notice of it. She was so focused on her work, word after word being typed quickly by her nimble fingers, as silent footsteps made their way through the halls.

She sighs as she leans back in her chair, fingers stilling, reading over the last sentences she's written. A light story, filled with laughter and sunshine, friends she doesn't have but wishes were hers being together. Why can't she have such a life, a life written by a benevolent writer, giving her the happiness she craves and oh so rightfully deserves.".

// (I may get very wordy don't worry about it-)

[sambart93]

2018.01.13 Pandora Note Stage Greeting: Show 3 [Report]

Official Website here Official Twitter here

CAST and CHARACTERS

Tomita Sho as Masushima Takashi Hiramaki Jin as Oomiya Tomohiro

MOVIE OVERALL: This was a pretty good movie. It certainly was ridiculous at points but the twist was really good and took me while I catch on with. Also there were fanservy moments and it did get somewhat BL-y at one point; I love Sho and Jin working together so of course I enjoyed this! AND　it was MUCH darker than their previous Seishun Discovery Films which was a nice change of pace! The only one thing that got to me what how repetitive and how much louder the 'background' music is in this movie. But I kind of saw an early screening so hopefully they've fixed that by the time they probably set it out into the public on March 17th. Also this movie is way too short! It's only 23 or so minutes long, but I could easily watch a full minutes of this story! GIVE ME MORE! MOVIE RATING: 8/10 -- It's difficult to rate Indie and Lower budget movies because they're obviously not going to look perfect but I thoroughly enjoyed it and it was with actors I love >.<

STORY

Tomita Sho plays a very successful manga artist but he is having trouble writing a sequel to his hit manga and his deadline is days away. He's be completely locked in his room trying to figure out and during that time he's lost assistant after assistant and manager after manager due to his unattractive and mean personality and attitude. One day, the manga company send over a newbie to help him with his manga, Oomiya. But shortly after Oomiya comes in and brings fanmail to Takashi, Takashi quickly searches through the pile for a specific fanletter. He finds it but the fanletter is a threaten: write me a story I'll love and send it to me asap but if I don't deem is satisfactory then I'm going to let off the bombs. Turns out the outside of his apartment is covered in bombs. So he has to do the letter's bidding. Turns out it's not the first time he's recieved a threatening letter from this person.

Go under the cut for complete story spoilers, spoiler review and the event details!

Story Spoilers:

Turns out the person who was sending the letters is non-other than Oomiya. Takashi had seen and taken Oomiya's story and turned it into a hit manga and never gave him credit! So Oomiya wanted revenge. He went so far as to spike Takashi's coffee with sleeping medicine and when Takashi wakes up, he's tied to a chair with a Battle Royale-esque choker around his neck!! (I don't quite remember who they reconciled BUT) It ends in them partnering up and Takashi vowing to give him credit from now on. So with Takashi as the artist and Oomiya as the story writer, they team up and it all ends happy!

So many points about this movie I want to talk about!

Can we FIRST talk about the whole Takashi/Sho handcuffed to a chair with Jin/Oomiya being totally crazy and evil! It was so hot..... It mean, it was intense... oh who am I kidding; I freaking loved this moment!! SO MUCH BL-NESS! I was dying >.< doesn't help that they did Honoo no Mirage together!

Another FINE moment was right at the beginning of the movie when Takashi/Sho walks out completely shirtless and just walks around his house for like 5 - 10 minutes. It was so beautiful! He has such a nice body! I was definitely having way too much fun gazing all over THAT! xD

I really loved Oomiya when we're first introduced to him; he's so sweet. But I also love that as the story progresses, his character so very switches personality so easily and he gets real angry and crazy at Takashi a few times throughout the movie before we finally learn he's out for revenge! The switches were such good acting from Jin!

BOTH of them are just good looking and so handsome! I enjoyed watching both of them!

And disgusting little me got WAY too much out of the fact we could clearly see sweat patches from Jin in this movie -- I've  a FREAK I know!

The apartment Takashi lives in has SO MANY DETAILS! The room is just filled with loads of manga and lots of artist drawers and interesting figures etc. It would literally take me more than 3 showings to be able to see and find everything! It's a really interesting room!

*

THE EVENT

I was only able to go to the third and last event of this! They had three total and the first two had things like making videos and a quiz etc. This last one showed the entire movie, had a talk and did some merch from the movie giveaways. 

Quite a lot of the people from the first two shows, also came to this one, SO when Jin and Sho first came on, they totally freaked out at their appearance. They looked so ridiculous and geeky, it was hilarious -- I'll explain later what it's all about. Jo-ji also asked them to turn to the left and to continue talked while facing that way but while Jin was talking he went, 'why is it so much easier for me to talk like this?!' xD they soon faced back to the front because the audience were laughing too much from the ridiculousness of it.

Also quick side note before I move on: JIIIINNNNN ISSSSS SOOOOOOO PREEEEETTTYYYYY!!!! (^_^)// and so damn tall!!!!! He's so handsome ♡

The MC for the third show was Jo-ji!! Who was at Sho's birthday event the weekend before (see here) and said that Sho had asked him to do this event too very last minute. They talked a little about how much last weekend's event was too and that he was happy to be an MC for him ^_^ they're such good friends!

At the question section, Sho wanted Shachou, the head of TokiEnta, who was at the back of the seating area, to ask the first question, so he responded ‘... why the hell are you all looking like that?!’ referring to the hairstyle. This is where they finally explained that during the Second Show KishiTaku (Kishimoto Takuya) had been the MC and had ShichiSan hair (hair parted to one side). It had been a hit so for the final show, Sho and Jin wanted to do it too! It got a great reaction! Especially because it fit the whole suppose to be 'sensei' << manga artists are called SENSEI >> look.

Another question was from a fan who asked Sho what he thought of his tied up scene and he’s like: ‘well of course I got excited. I’ve done it many times before.... AS AN ACTOR! Not in private!’ None of us believed him! He continued on: ‘also Jin was really close to me as you saw (so that's why I was excited)’. But he admitted that he was worried if an earthquake hit while he was tied up because ‘Jin would definitely be the first to run out the room. All the staff would leave me too!’ Then he finished by talking to the fan who asked the question directly, ‘if you have time. Try it with a friend!’ Jo-ji was like ‘you’ve dug a DEEP hole Sho’ xD

At one point Jo-ji said:

Jo-ji: you were both the blue ranger (in super sentai) right? Sho&Jin: Yeah we were Sho: *looks at Jji* ... you’re wearing blue! You’re like a ranger like us! Jo-ji: why do you think I have a blue suit on?!?! I didn’t do it by accident! Sho: Oh really? Jo-ji: YES!

There was a really cute moment between Sho and Jo-ji too!

Jo-ji/じょーじ:僕もトキ人間ではないがー/ I'm not a TokiEnta guy anyway but... Sho/翔さん: 半分トキ人間だよ / You're 50% TokiEnta じょーじ: …… 4割だ / .... 40% I thought it was cute!

And at the end of the event, Sho told us ‘we (me and Jin) will work together again’ and I freaked! Almost like the next Honoo had been decided! xD I hope it has! I hope it's them!

*

GOODS

This pamphlet has SO MANY good shots in it! AND it came with their signatures ♡ so, enjoy!

*

And that's all! I am WAY behind on reviews as I've been too busy on my days off the past few weekends, so hopefully they'll be coming through over the next few weeks and I'll hopefully catch up and everything by the time Dance with Devils and Patarillo comes around at the end of the month =]

[wayward-wheels-blog]

I've Been Waiting for This Part

She’s My Rider - Chapter II

(I know this is a switch, but hell it’s been a year and writers find new ways at going about things so … this is all in third person. Too many personas to balance and I thought Gabriel’s part came out best in the original anyway. Sorry this took so long. I hope it was worth the wait.)

Word Count: 4401

Read Chapter I and Chapter III

THEN

To say the last year had been a pivotal one in the book of Winchester would be an understatement, but also somewhat disrespectful to everything that had come before it.

When Gabriel woke Baby up, Dean had just put an end to Death and the Darkness had been unleashed on the world. Looking back now, the brothers are almost certain, Gabriel didn’t expect any of them to survive another year. They’d spent countless hours on back highways discussing that night … the angel’s shifty movements and cryptic messages about keys and kingdoms.

It was Sam that suggested it first. “I think he thought we were all gonna die.”

“And what?” Dean glanced across the cab at him. “She was our parting gift?”

“He did always have a soft spot for you two,” Castiel said. When Dean cut his eyes at him the angel glanced back out the window. “Or so it seemed.”

“Or she was our last ditch effort,” Sam shrugged. “He said she had power.”

Dean’s eyes had flickered to Baby in the rear view mirror, oblivious to their conversation. He’d bought her an iPod and a set of headphones and the girl could disappear for hours into her music. She was staring out her own window, hair half-pulled back in a clip, looking perfectly normal.

And that was just the problem.

For all intents and purposes, aside from a head full of years and memories she looked too young for and a bloodhound’s nose for danger, Baby was a normal, human woman. If she got hit, she fell down. If she got cut, she bled. She’d never thrown any furniture across the room with her mind or scared a demon out of its stolen skin. Sometimes she knew things, like knowledge had simply been instilled in her upon creation, but it wasn’t anything to write home about.

The year rolled on. The Darkness became Amara who became God’s sister who turned out to be Chuck. Dean still couldn’t make himself call him God. It was both too big for the strange little man and too intimate at the same time.  

Chuck had taken one look at Baby and said, “Oh! You’re here,” with a quirky grin. “I’ve been waiting for this part.”

Then the siblings of creation and destruction had disappeared leaving behind another Winchester in their wake and new questions to ask and, more importantly, a new normal to find.

NOW

Chicago, Illinois

It was after hours at the Field Museum and Bill Cunningham was making his first rounds of the night. He always swept the building of trash first before he went back the other direction with the cart loaded full of cleaning supplies to give the place a thorough scrub.

The janitor didn’t notice as he rolled his cart down the hallway, long oblivious to the obnoxious squeak of one of the wheels, that something moved inside one of the exhibits. He didn’t notice the strange smell that wafted in the air, a bi-product of too many chemicals stinging at his nose for years while he cleaned.

It was only when he walked past the exhibit of two lions prowling dangerously over a rock that he thought he saw something twitch. One of their tails, maybe. Bill turned and stared at the lions, but their dead coats lay dusty and still. He chuckled at his own foolishness and even waved the big cats away as he turned back to his cart.

Then a low, menacing growl stalled him in his tracks. The sound rolled over itself like a giant rattle in a deep, tumbling box. Bill Cunningham turned back to find one of the lions had stepped forward … right up to the fucking glass.

The lion met the janitor’s eyes and when he looked back, he saw a depth of evil that turned his blood to ice water in his veins. A fear like he’d never known swallowed him almost completely, numbing every nerve in his body so that only his eyes were wide in stark, ghastly terror. The lion’s lips drew back and it let loose an unearthly roar just before his brother leapt over his back and straight through the glass, cutting short Bill Cunningham’s screams with his massive jaws.

Blood splattered across the sign that hung to the right of the exhibit, engraved with four words in brass: The Tsavo Man-Eaters

Sam was frowning at the story of the janitor’s mysterious death in Chicago when he saw Baby appear in the kitchen doorway over the top of the laptop screen. She was wearing one of his t-shirts, which swallowed her like a baggy dress and the neck was so wide it hung off her shoulder. She’d stolen several of them to sleep in. The girl yawned and shuffled in her slippers towards the coffee pot.

Sam chuckled, wondering if she’d even noticed he was there. “Morning, B.”

“Morning Sammy,” she said groggily.

Dean was the only one who called her Baby anymore. Sam had been right, of course. A girl that looked like her in a public place with three grown men calling her “Baby” came off a little weird. The looks irritated Dean and made him want to punch people. Sam found them embarrassing. Cas was oblivious to the whole thing. So, they’d taken to calling her “B.”

Sam clicked to the next article, looking for something a little more concrete. Dean plodded into the kitchen and went straight for the coffee pot, too. He didn’t think twice anymore when Dean kissed the side of B’s head and they mumbled mornings to each other while they made their coffee. It was just understood that the bond Dean and Baby had was something sacred.

If Sam had been a betting man, he’d have been certain his brother would have tried to get her into bed by now. He was much more affectionate towards her than he’d ever seen Dean be towards anyone, but there was nothing selfish about the way he touched her either. He wasn’t looking for anything. He’d never tried to kiss her or even cop a feel that Sam had noticed, though he did stare at her sometimes. But then again, it wasn’t that normal covetous stare he turned on other women.

In the end, Sam had decided it was very simple. They loved each other. There was nothing complicated about it. He loved her, too. Even Castiel had come to see her as one of their own. Their mother was still a little weirded out by her, but Mary hadn’t been around much so it hadn’t been much of an issue.

When Dean and B made it to the table, Sam turned his laptop around. “Think I’ve got a case.”

Dean grunted.

She reached out to drag the laptop closer so she could read.

“You remember that movie, Ghost in the Darkness? About the lions that killed all those men?”

“Yeah yeah yeah,” Dean motioned with his coffee cup. “Kirk Douglas played Remington.” He looked at Baby and did his best Douglas impression. “Everyone has a plan until they’ve been hit.”

She smirked.

Sam chuckled and kept going, “Right, well, it was actually based on a true story. Two lions really did kill all these people when the British government was trying to build a bridge through Tsavo. They eventually killed the lions and had them stuffed and they’ve been on display at-”

“The Field Museum in Chicago, Illinois,” B read from the laptop, finishing his sentence.

Dean was actually reading now. “Wow. They found the guy torn to pieces.”

“Hinky,” she muttered.

Sam lifted a finger. “Gets hinkier. The lions? The actual lions from the display?” He lifted his chin a bit for effect. “No one can find them.”

He watched Dean and Baby exchange a look and then his brother shrugged. “Okay. So let’s go lion hunting.”

—–

One twelve hour drive and three hours of sleep later, the 65 Mustang they’d taken to driving since Baby showed up pulled into the parking lot of the museum. Sam was continually surprised by the fact that Dean never lamented the absence of the Impala. The only time he ever brought the car up was to make note of how much better she handled than whatever else he was behind the wheel of.

They met a short, gray-haired man at the door, still taped off with caution tape, who introduced himself as Detective Schrader.

“I’m Agent Kristofferson,” Dean flashed his fake badge and motioned at Sam and Baby. “This is Nelson, and Joplin.”

Then, with a bright grin, “We hear you have a stray cat problem.”

The crime scene had been cleaned, and obvious construction had already been made to the metal frame in preparation of a new plate of glass for the display. The very empty display.

“So-” Sam frowned. “Let me get this straight. He was lying here, right?” He motioned at the floor and quirked his head down the corridor at the display case where Dean was bent down over one of the fake rocks and B was watching with her hands on her hips.

“What was left of him,” Detective Schrader said.

“Hm.” Sam muttered.

“What?” Schrader asked.

“Just … not really lion behavior,” Sam said. “They kill and they eat. They don’t play with their food.”

“You telling me you think this was actually done by lions?” Detective Schrader cast him a pitiful look, like he almost felt sorry for him.

Sam looked up curiously. “You don’t? The autopsy seemed pretty conclusive.”

“So did my last prostate exam,” Shrader huffed. “Still got cancer. Look, are we done here? I don’t really see what you expect to find around here, anyway. Like I said, you can read everything we found in the report.”

“Yeah,” Sam forced an irritated smile and slipped his hands in his pockets. He wasn’t fond of law enforcement that treated a person’s death like another day that ended in Y. “We’re done.”

Dean and Baby wandered over while Detective Schrader let himself out. Dean rubbed his fingers together, gave them a sniff and jumped his brows at Sam. “Sulfur.”

Sam looked confused. “Really? Demons?”

“That surprises you?” Baby asked.

“No. I mean …” Sam looked past them at the empty display. “Kind of. I was betting money on some kind of Hoodoo thing.”

“Why?” Dean asked, thumbing over his shoulder. “Cause Africa?” His brows lowered in sarcastic accusation. “That’s racist, Sam.”

Sam’s face dropped, annoyed. “No. Because it tends to be used to bring things back to life, Dean.”

“Uh huh.” Dean smirked. “Racial profiling then.”

“Whatever.” Sam rolled his eyes up then back to B. “Any of those spidey senses tingling?”

Baby frowned, her heels clicking against the floor as she circled around to the other side of Sam, staring at the spot where Bill Cunningham’s body had been found. “Not really,” she said. “But I think you’re right. This isn’t a normal demon thing.”

“Well.” Crowley’s voice lifted up behind them from out of nowhere. “You’re not wrong.”

Sam and Dean pivoted on their respective heels in an instant, the youngest Winchester tugging Baby behind him.

“Relax,” Crowley rolled his eyes. “I haven’t tried to kill you for months now.”

The brothers exchanged a look. Did he know about Baby? Had he seen her?

“Then what do you want?” Dean quipped.

The lapels of Crowley’s peacoat flashed outwards with a shrug of his hands from inside his pockets. “To be of humble service.”

“Right,” Dean said. “Cause you’re always so helpful.”

“Helped with Lucifer, didn’t I?”

“Yeah?” Dean chuffed. “Where were you when they tossed us in a hole and threw away the key?”

“Like I told Wings, I didn’t know where you were. Still working on getting a demon into the oval office,” Crowley sneered. “Sorry to disappoint.”

“Fine,” Sam said. “Then why are you here?”

“To let you know you’re in way over your heads on this one,” Crowley said. “The Cwn Annwn? They’re Lucifer’s personal lapdogs.”

Dean arched an impatient brow. “The coonan-what?”

“Kun,” Crowley emphasized the phonetics. “An-wynn. It’s Welsh.”

“Okay fine, whatever,” Dean said. “Explain the coon hounds.”

Crowley rolled his eyes. “Honestly, I don’t know why I even bother.”

Dean growled Crowley’s name, signalling his loss of patience.

The demon king sighed like a long suffering, and very bored girlfriend. “Fine. The Cwn Annwn aren’t lions. They’re the original hounds of hell. The first breeding pair. The two that came for you?” Crowley quirked his brow at Dean. “Those were puppies in comparison.”

Real fear flashed across the eldest Winchester’s face in a single split second, but Crowley caught it and smiled. “These two were made specifically for hunters.”

When the boys exchanged another look that managed to hold an entire conversation, Crowley spotted a slender hand slip out from behind Moose’s hulking figure and catch the side of Dean’s jacket. He watched Dean’s head snap to the side like he’d suddenly remembered she was hiding there and shake his head at whoever was back there. He watched him grab the delicate hand curled around the army-green corduroy and push it back down in an attempt to conceal it.

It didn’t work.

“Well well,” Crowley mused, rounding out a step to try to get a look behind Moose. “Who’s this?”

Sam flexed his jaw at Crowley and side-stepped to obstruct his view. It only served to deepen the demon’s curiosity. Sam shut his eyes against the inward scolding he gave himself for his mistake and cursed under his breath.

It was futile anyway.

They couldn’t hide her from him forever.

Baby peeked out around Sam’s arm from between the two boys and Crowley’s eyes went wide … could he really be seeing what he thought he was seeing? The beautiful brunette stepped into full view, Sam stepping aside with a relenting sigh.

The Winchesters watched Crowley like hawks while his face went slack and his jaw dropped open. “Oh … my,” he shook his head in, what looked to Dean, like a certain flavor of awe. “I haven’t seen you in a very long time.”

“Wait-” Dean started, and Sam joined him when he said, “What?”

“You know her?”

Baby was staring at Crowley the way a little girl might stare at a massive gorilla at the zoo … with that look when it dawns on a kid that what they’re seeing is just a little too scary and yet, a little too much like them to be okay with it.

Crowley’s voice was almost reverent. “Of course I know her,” his eyes ticked up to meet Dean’s. “Do you?”

Dean’s eyes narrowed at Crowley like he was assessing which punch to throw to break the man’s nose. Then, after a few seconds, his entire body abruptly kicked into gear. “Alright, Sammy, let’s go.”

The boys split to move past him, Dean yanking Baby tightly into his side, trying to unsee the wonder in Crowley’s face when he watched her go by. He could practically feel the demon thinking about how he could use her.

“… Don’t you want to know about the lions?”

Dean dropped Baby’s hand in time to pivot back and charge like he meant to beat the ever loving shit out of the King of Hell, but somehow managed to reign himself in before he got within swinging distance. “Crowley, you have thirty seconds!”

The demon managed to pull his eyes away from Baby, a little too slowly for Dean’s liking and smirked. “Matilda of the Night,” he said. “She controls them. It’s her punishment.”

Worry clouded Sam’s features. “… Punishment for what?”

“Well,” Crowley shrugged. “The woman once said if there was no hunting in heaven she’d rather not go. That might have had something to do with it.”

“So she’s a hunter,” Sam said.

“One of the oldest,” Crowley said. “She was a viking once upon a time, and very nearly brought down Lucifer himself. He created the hellhounds to return the favor and when he finally caught her, he granted her wish. She would hunt with her hounds for all eternity … hunt people like you.”

The more he spoke, the colder the room seemed to get. It was Sam’s turn to reach for Baby and pull her back, swallowing a tight dread that had formed in the back of his throat. He wasn’t necessarily worried about himself or his brother, but she was still learning how to fight.

“They say she cries out in misery when she has to kill them,” Crowley added with a hint of whimsy. The demon king cast one last, lingering look at Baby. “I have a feeling I’ll be seeing you again, sweetheart.”

Then his form blinked out in a split-second you could never see with human eyes and he was gone.

Sam, Dean and Baby trotted quickly down the stairs of the museum and made for their car.

“Do you think he was telling the truth?” Sam looked across the hood at his brother who was opening the back door for B.

“About Matilda?” He slammed the back door and jerked open his. “Unfortunately, yes.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he turned the engine to life. “I think I actually read about her in dad’s journal a while back. He called her the traitor.”

“From the sound of things, it wasn’t her fault what she turned into,” Baby said, slouching down in the back seat.

Dean caught her eyes in the rearview before he turned back onto the feeder road. “Maybe not. Doesn’t matter. If those things are Lucifer’s pups and she’s got the leash …”

“Yeah, but how do we find her?” Sam asked.

“Far as Luci’s concerned we’re the big bads,” Dean shifted gears a little harder than he needed to. “I’m betting she finds us.”

They didn’t stay in Chicago. “It was too damn crowded,” Dean said. And anyway, it was best to keep to back roads and small towns, especially now that half the government had it in for the boys. Instead, they shot down I-57 to a town called Champaign and stopped at a rundown Super 8 for 41 bucks a night.

An hour later, Sam was propped up on one of the beds with his legs stretched out and his laptop in his lap while Dean sparred with Baby in the space that the small kitchenette jutted out to provide. He glanced up just in time to see B duck a swing but miss Dean’s opposite fist when it came in at her ribs. His older brother had an uncanny ability to bring a punch mostly to a stop before it hit her too hard.

“Keep your fists up,” Sam offered. “Block him with your forearm.”

The girl lifted her fists, concentrating, determined to get better. Dean darted down to pat the back of her leg, “Weight on the ball of your foot,” before he came back up to throw the same combination without warning.

This time, Baby blocked the sucker punch.

“There ya go,” Dean nodded, bobbing out of the way of her next swing before smacking her upside the head. Not hard, but it got her attention. “Fists up.”

“Hey,” Sam said, sitting up. “Hey, I think I got something.”

“What?” Dean said, crossing the room to look over his brother’s shoulder.  

“They moved quick,” Sam said. “An entire campsite just got wiped out next state over. I bet it’s on the news.”

Baby snatched the remote up off the end of the bed and flipped through the channels until she found a 24-hour news channel. They caught the tail end of a story about the President getting out of the hospital and exchanged nervous looks at the reminder.

Oh yeah. There was still that to deal with.

A few seconds later, the screen jumped to flashing lights in the darkness and a view of police walking through picnic tables in the background. One bent down and looked inside a body bag.

“Park Rangers have verified this was some kind of animal attack, but there’s still no official word on what kind of animal it may have been. What we do know now is there are multiple dead and, as of yet, there are no survivors. From Ft. Wayne, Indiana, I’m Sarah Smith.”

“Shit,” Dean turned from the TV and pushed a hand back through his hair.

“We need help,” Baby said. “Where’s Cas?”

“With mom on a werewolf hunt in Mississippi,” Dean huffed.

“We could use them both,” Sam said.

“No,” Dean said. “She needs to work some stuff out. Let her do it.”

Most people, even Sam, had assumed Dean took after John. He didn’t. He was much more like Mary on an emotional level.  

“You realize that leaves Rowena and Crowley,” Sam said.

“Uh uh,” Dean shook his head sharply. “Nope. He’s not getting within a ten miles of Baby again.”

“Dean-”

Dean motioned at Baby, looking half pissed and half horrified. “He was looking at her like she was food. No, Sam!”

“Does Baby get a vote?”

The boys both looked at her, Sam with an open mind, Dean immediately irritated.

“Yes,” Sam said, at the same time Dean barked, “No!”

She lifted her hands to her hips and looked pointedly at Dean. “Call Rowena.”

He narrowed his eyes at her. “Not Crowley …”

“For now,” she said. The man had entirely creeped her out but she wasn’t about to tell either one of them that. “If she thinks we need him, then we need him.”

Dean stared at her for a beat, forced himself to take a deep breath, and admitted defeat. “Okay,” he rolled his eyes, fishing his phone out of his pocket. “But I’m not calling Crowley. You can bat your lashes at me all you want. No.”

“We need Fergus,” Rowena said, leaning back in her bar stool and casting a disgusted look over at a table full of rednecks laughing about their exploits. “Honestly, this was the best place you could find to rendezvous?”

“Yeah. Cause, whiskey,” Dean said, immediately downing the rest of his glass.

“Why,” Sam interrupted, “do we need Crowley?”

“Because,” Rowena’s brows lifted at him as if it were simple. “He’s the King of Hell. He’s the only one aside from Lucifer who can see to it that the hounds are locked back in their kennels. I can’t imagine how Lucifer woke them up in the first place, truth be told, given his state. It’s quite difficult to conjure that level of magic without a proper vessel.”

Dean pointed a finger at Baby the second her mouth opened. “No.”

“Dean, you’re being ridiculous,” she said.

“She’s right,” Sam shook his head at his brother. “We’ve gotta send these things back to hell and if there’s only one way to do it …”

Rowena sat back watching in utter amusement, with a smile that said she knew something they didn’t. Neither of them noticed. But Baby did.

“Fine,” Dean shrugged and sat back, locking his eyes on B’s. “Then you’re not coming.”

Her amber eyes flashed at him. Sam didn’t think he’d ever seen her look at Dean like that … let alone yell at him. “Like hell I’m not!”

“The stitches just came out of that shot to your shoulder last week!” He snapped back at her.

“Ya know what, Dean?” The legs of her chair scraped against the wooden floor, scooting away when she lept to her feet. “Maybe it’s time you remember that I’m the one who’s protected you for the last 39 years. Not the other way around.”

Baby turned on her heel and headed for the door, finally putting Dean on his feet. “I’m 38!”

The girl whipped back with clinched fists at her sides, “Fine! 38 years and nine months!”

The door slammed behind her, leaving several patrons staring at the Winchesters’ table curiously and looking at Dean sympathetically because they assumed he’d just had a fight with his girlfriend. Sam was staring at his big brother wondering if he had.

“Oh, I like her.” Rowena’s Scottish brogue crooned, eyes floating up at Dean. “She certainly knows how to put you in your place, doesn’t she.”

Sam shook his head, completely disappointed, and pushed to his feet. “That was great, Dean. Real classy.”

The guilt of yelling at Baby finally seemed to make its way through Dean’s features after Sam turned away, watching his brother head for the door to go calm her down. It occurred to him that if he were the one headed out there, he’d have no idea how to calm her down because he’d never seen her that angry. And that was his fault.

“Shit,” Dean muttered and dropped his ass back into his chair, reaching for Sam’s leftover whiskey.

Rowena was watching him with her chin propped atop her fingers. “Do you even know what the poor lass is?”

Dean shot a look at Rowena, warning her he wasn’t in the mood for games.

The woman simply stared at him. Like he was an idiot. “She’s the burning bush, Dean. The dove with the olive branch. She’s the very breath of God, himself.”

The glass was halfway to his lips but it stopped on route. “She’s … what does that even mean?” In the back of his mind he was scolding himself for humoring her, but .. she sounded like she knew what she was talking about.

“It means, dearie, that she’s as powerful as they come,” Rowena smiled that sweet, yet twisted little smile she had, put her palm against the table and pushed to her feet. “If she wants to be. That really all depends on you.”

Dean’s brows twitched trying to put that together and when he couldn’t, he looked back up at her. “So … what am I supposed to do?”

“That’s between you and her.” Rowena tipped her eyes up as if an answer had suddenly come to her from the ether before dropping them back to Dean with a wave of her hand. “Try sex. It worked for the pagans.”

Dean’s eyes widened and his face dropped blank, staring at her while his brain tried to catch up. It made Rowena toss her head back with her laugh. “Dean Winchester, proper scared … Now that was worth stepping out for.” The overly sensual witch turned and sauntered out the door, leaving Dean thinking about things he shouldn’t be.