#I've talked about it before here but the situation is very complicated rn. I could go on and on about it but let's just say LULA PRESIDENTE | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

melspuppies8282 · 7 months ago

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Just needed to vent for a second about my situation:

Okay so about a month ago I made a post to multiple accounts (I don't think I made one here, mostly it was to inform people of late messages to the other accounts) about my living situation and complications due to it. I just wanted to say that as of now, my mom has saved my childhood home and I'm going to be staying there for the time being.

Over the last 2 months, the people I was going to move in with have been having complications with their own living situation. I'm going to be vague in this post bc it's just a vent, but I needed stuff off my chest.

So one of my friends (that I've been close friends with since middle school) is engaged to someone. This person I have become friends with, but I didn't like them at first due to their personality. I have grown to accept it and I've been good friends with them since. The fiancee's mom I am also friends with, and I have grown fond of. I was helping them bc their landlord is a real prick and has been making them paranoid for months, and gave an eviction notice for things that weren't called for. They recently had trouble with another roommate that screwed them over, so we all planned to move somewhere bc I was gonna lose my house anyway. I don't have a job rn, and I am $3,500 in debt as this post is being written. They said they would help me on my feet, helped me get a phone bc my line had been disconnected, and said I would pay rent once I got stuff figured out. I am forever grateful for their help.

I am an alcoholic and I have mental illness. Around the time of this discussion, I had a relapse and it severely messed up my relationship with my fiancee. I decided to go sober again, and as it stands, today I am 47 days sober. I am very proud of myself, but I have been struggling lately to stay that way. I am severely depressed, severely anxious, and my BPD has been so bad since the last day of my relapse. During the last day of the relapse I had gone to the friends birthday party where I blacked out, and it caused a major argument between me and my fiancee, and I am currently making amends with what happened and growing from it.

With all of this, I have been ill. I had a stomach pain around my diaphragm, and a numb tongue. I had gone to the doctor and got started on medication. I have my second doctor visit tomorrow, and although I don't have the pain, I have been struggling to eat, drink, or move around a lot. I only get out of my house to go to AA, and I have been getting an extreme pain in my spinal area. The stress of everyone around me made my symptoms worse at the time, so I barely spoke to people during this time if it wasn't urgent.

However, that had gone disrespected, as I was in a group chat consisting of me, 2 of my friends, the friends fiancee, and my fiancee. The group chat was meant for ranting, but turned into people coming to me to rant privately and instead in the group chat posting memes and spamming. I had asked multiple times for the group chat to stay for ranting, which was disrespected, and so I muted the chat. In the past, people would ask if it was okay to vent to me, which I would give a yes or no based on my mental state, which then turned into me being the only one asking and them ranting whenever. I have struggled talking to people due to fear of abandonment bc of this.

I decided not to move in with those people due to multiple reasons. The friends fiancee's attitude, and how it kept triggering me and my own mental health were beginning to affect my sobriety. In their house there was alcohol and weed, and I told them before it shouldn't bother me as long as it wasn't in reach, but then had been on my mind a lot while there. I don't have a car, and I like a specific AA meeting because it's smaller, and my social anxiety isn't as bad bc there is at least 3 faces I recognize every time I go. I felt like a burden on some occasions, asking if they could take me. It had gotten to a point where the last time I saw them, I planned on taking the bus bc of the fiancee's attitude, and I didn't want to cause an issue, and they took me and I cried during the meeting.

I do not currently go to therapy bc of my financial situation, so I have been relying on AA a lot to help me through my situations, as I am struggling to stay clean during all of this. It brought to light my own boundaries and decisions in the process, which I had expressed to the friend during our outing the day of that AA meeting i had previously mentioned. I had expressed how I really felt, and how I felt going forward, and how if something didn't change I wasn't sure of the future. She came to me and expressed emotions on how she truly felt as well, and I was able to explain that during the panic of their situation, I felt like a mediator and I didn't want that. I told them how it made me really anxious and I was worried for them, and how they were going to handle stuff. I told her at the end of the day I'm listening to her decisions and opinions the most bc she is my friend. Without her, the other people in the house mean little to me. She told me she understood. Before this, I had explained on why I wasn't coming over as much, due to the stress of everything and my health. I had said it rudely, and I apologized for that on multiple occasions, bc there is no excuse for my behavior.

A while ago, 2 texts where sent. One from the friend, and one from the fiancee's mom. The friend expressed not knowing what was going on before saying that we (me and the possible other person moving in) where at fault for things regarding the move, and to talk to them. I had called and expressed my emotions regarding the move, once again, and said I was no longer moving in due to the lack of information from the people in the house. I had wanted to do a call on that Sunday (this call previously mentioned was 2 days later) but didn't receive any information on if it was alright to do so. The text from the fiancee's mom didn't make sense, saying about "broken trust" when I had been honest from the beginning.

I am no longer moving, but I am still in financial trouble, and the urge to relapse is so strong I can barely do anything else. My fiancee is the only one talking to me, and I am so frustrated about how everything has come around, I can barely do anything else. My non-alive ideation is through the roof, and I don't think it would matter to anyone, anyway.

Everyone I've talked to about the situation (mostly the people from AA) have said I'm making the right decision setting this boundary for my sobriety, and to just believe it will work out. I feel awful in my decision, and as if I'm doing something wrong, and that I've lost everyone in caring for myself right now. I really want to get better and for people to want me for me, not what I do for them. It's so hard making friends anymore, that I just want to never make any ever again.

I am working on finding a job, and with that I will move out once I get this debt paid off. But it feels so far away, I feel like it'll never happen. And I feel like this could have been avoided if people just took the initiative and just focused on who already gave an answer, not the potentials.

I was supposed to talk the them Friday, but I no longer wish to do so. If I am "breaking trust" by setting a boundary, there is no point in me explaining my decision, because they already made theirs.

I am getting back into my own religion, and have been speaking with mother nature lately and trying to find some answers. I have been talking to my deceased father as well, praying he'll help me keep the friends that are true and reveal people's intentions. I have been speaking with my fiancee a lot to help me through this, and explaining my thoughts towards things and being more open about my dark thoughts and what I am truly feeling. I know I'll make it through this. I just don't know how.

My ED is flaring like crazy, and since I don't have any money it's only encouraging it more. My life feels like I've hit rock bottom. I'm laying on it, just wanting to stand back up and crawl out of it. I know I can. I just have to do it somehow.

I am trying to stay positive about all of this, but it's so hard. I just want to lie down and rot. I have a wonderful fiancee who makes sure to take care of me when he can. Without him I don't think I'd survive this.

I just needed stuff off my chest, and I didn't feel right leaving it on my sad blog, because I just want it out there. I want to be seen and heard, and know that it'll work out. I'm hoping my prayers and willingness for it to work out will let it. I just need a little hope that I can make it through this. Even if it's just a funny picture on tumblr, I just need something to survive another day. I just need another 24 hours. I say that every day anymore.

I just need to be cared for like I care for everyone else.

#mels speaks

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foggyparadisecandy · 9 months ago

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Ooof. I'm honestly not a huge fan of this person's stuff tbh, but this is such a ... savage ... and spot on assessment of Anxious Preoccupied attachment style.

A quick summary of the different attachment styles:

Secure Attachment people live with need for connection and need for independence (mostly) in balance.

Dismissive Avoidants live with high value for independence.

Anxious Preoccupieds live with a high value for connection.

The thing is ... she doesn't actually give practical ways to do the things she states - accurately - are the path to clearing an Anxious Style. But she does nicely sum up the main things that need to be done.

Look ... it's worth watching just to hear how Anxious Preoccupieds tend to create the very situations they are afraid of (being abandoned) ironically by being people pleasers and never speaking about their own needs.

I also liked her idea that anxiety comes from always living in the future and not the here and now. And she offers a practical - but scary af - suggestion of "let what will happen, happen, and don't ruin your life living in the future - either good or bad. The future will unfold as its meant to and the person you are with will either stick around or they will cut and run / hurt you. (I'm paraphrasing.)

youtube

I had a pretty shitty day Saturday.

K gave me a final goodbye DM without the courtesy of a conversation. NGL, it hurt. It ... hurt. I don't have the words for the hurt tbh. Isn't that odd considering how many words I know and use.

But I've been working on my attachment style enough that I am bouncing back faster than before (look - no lie - I'm still very much hurt but I'm not devastated).

Plus I have to shout out the support of a very lovely friend <3 <3 <3 who took time away from a birthday party to remind me that I am not a shitty human being - which was my first reaction to the rejection.

I honestly wish K would have made room for me. I am not happy with her choice … I feel like her subconscious was driving her away - “I can’t make time.” :(

K has to find her own way and I have faith in her to do it. I have said it a million times: I believe in her and I know she is strong and capable.

I know people will think I'm a sucker but ... I forgive her - and I always will because I empathize with her, I understand her pain, and I love her. Yes. Still love. Still caring. Still forgiving.

It costs me nothing to forgive her and she has more than earned my forgiveness with everything good she brought to my life. And she has been shit on by life - it hurts my brain to even think that I would add to that intentionally.

Enough said there.

On the off chance she reads my blog, I hope she watches this, sees herself, and starts digging into Attachment Theory and healing her Anxious Preoccuppied style.

I can tell you all firsthand - it has helped me tremendously. The proof is I'm not curled up in a ball in the corner of my room rn with the painful blow K delivered.

No promises but ... I *think* I'm mostly done talking about K and writing posts for her after this.

Oh ... one last thing about K ... I haven't been trying to consciously "win back" whatever we had. It was unhealthy af for both of us. Early on in that relationship though, I had suggested some day we might evolve into something else if and when she found a RL partner. For me, I kind of wanted to see what we could do there. I don't think K could get her head around it. I don't blame her. It's an unusual thing - particularly given how complicated our relationship was with hypno + kink + nurturing + ddlg elements. It is what it is at this point.

I will keep sharing some of this stuff because I am geeking out on it and it's helpful to share it in my own words. It helps me absorb it better. And I hope it is useful to some of you all!

#self care #self healing #self reflection #self improvement #self love #love #Youtube

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angelizs · 2 years ago

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QAMAR YA QAMAR TELL ME MORE ABOUT BEE PLEASE I WANT TO KNOW SOOOO MUCH WHEN I GET MY IPAD I'LL DRAW HER WITH NILLOUFAR AND MY OTHER OCS FOR THE GIGGLES

AMORA YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT BEE???? AND DRAW HER TOO??? I LOVE YOU SO MUCH DOCINHO <33 SENDING YOU THE BIGGEST KISS RN

also I don't think I've seen Nilloufar yet??? I'm going to look for them asap!!

now, be prepared for my Bee lore drop:

she's the prefect of Ramshackle from another world, so basically she's got the role of MC in the game! she's usually very friendly, although more to the introverted side. she's also VERY affectionate with her friends and when I say very, I mean it. yes, everyone at NRC has thought she was dating her friends at least once. she respects their boundaries of course, but if they don't complain about it she will hold their hand, hug them, kiss their cheeks and forehead and noses and hands, play with their hair, rest her head on their shoulder, cuddle with them, all very much platonic.

not to mention she's shameless around these she trusts. if she becomes your friend you bet she will say anything that's on her mind, which includes random compliments that are 100% genuine and some out of pocket jokes that will take you by surprise. while she's usually abiding by the rules and does her best at school work, she will cause mischief at times to entretain her. nothing that could put people in danger, just to mess with them in a light hearted way like teasing or roping them into her schemes.

Bee loves studying the theorical aspects of this new world, it's all so very new and cool to her. magic exists, there are different species, there's people that live under the sea, there's fae, there's a whole new geography and history and politics and culture, from movies to literature to music to games to folklore to traditions, that she can explore. she's very curious, which means she will want to know as much as she can and will make questions to any of her friends willing to answer! she especially is interested in social studies and would like to make ressearch about it, even work with it in the future!

she's in two clubs, the arts club and the mountain lovers club. now, you ask me: how did this happen? well, first she entered the arts club, since it was something she was used to and had an interest on! then, she finds out about the mountain lovers club and gets curious, so she checks it out one day. Jade is very pleasant (he wants more members to the club) and she likes it, but sadly she's already enrolled in one club and thinks Crowley wouldn't let her join another. Jade tells her to not worry about it, he would have a talk with Crowley. the next day, Crowley suddenly lets her take part in two clubs. I wonder how that happened...? nah, no need to worry about it.

if there's one thing she LOVES is sweets. anything with sugar will have her directing heart eyes at you. also, in a disney princess style, she gets along very well with animals. maybe not to the same point as Silver, but they do seem to have a soft spot for her too, which is GREAT because she will want to pet them. Jade has lost her more than once on their mountain expeditions because she wandered around following some cute animal she saw.

and she's the type to "go with the flow", you know? if adeuce get into trouble, she's there to either get into it with them or bail them out. if Floyd appears out of nowhere screaming "Shrimpy" and running in her direction, she will scream one of the many nicknames she's got for him and run in his direction as well. if Leona is napping on the botanical garden and there's space for one more, she will nap alongside him.

Bee will say some random sentences in portuguese sometimes or call people portuguese nicknames. she's very aware no one understands a thing and it's incredibly amusing to her. she will keep doing it, so there's no use in complaining. don't ask her the meaning of the words, there's a high possibility she will tell you the wrong meaning and giggle any time you say it. little menace (affectionate).

#tea time #SOMEONE WANTING TO DRAW YOUR OC IS LITERALLY THE BIGGEST COMPLIMENT EVER 😭😭😭#THANK YOU AMORA I'M SO HAPPY #also I've seen you've been reblogging posts abt Brazil's politics and I'm very grateful for that as well!#I've talked about it before here but the situation is very complicated rn. I could go on and on about it but let's just say LULA PRESIDENTE #the results on the first round were shocking but not totally unexpected. even if things look dire there's still hope for us!!#and we'll keep fighting against the opressive government because verás que um filho teu não foge à luta #if there's a big chance Lula will win then there's still hope #on the 30th we'll make history. for the better.#onto the topic of Bee again: I have so many toughts about her... there's a whole Bee Lore in my head I have to get to writing...#I could go into more specific details or relationships she has with the characters or anything really #even what she changes on the story and stuff #Bee lore

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millenialfanfictionaddiction · 2 years ago

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Being Inarizaki's Manager:

Dating Atsumu Miya

*he really does have gorgeous eyes tho 😫

Atsumu Miya featuring Inarizaki x Fem! Manager Reader

Warnings: Swearing, possessive Atsumu, reader gets injured (very minor injury but this is Atsumu we are talking about 🙄)

AN: This was requested by Atsupremacy!

Oh YN... dear dear YN

You absolute sweet angel 🥺

Honestly we are all wondering how you got here

How did you manage to snag THE Atsumu Miya

Seriously, his fan girls are SEETHING rn we all know it

But, to many peoples surprise, it's not as complicated as you might think it is

It all started when you first became a student at Inarizaki

You were the new girl in the school so automatically you became the subject of many conversations

"Have you seen the new girl? She's gorgeous!"

"Hey that new girl? She's a second year right? Lucky assholes!"

It didn't take you long to become familiar with everyone

And soon, you found yourself befriending Osamu Miya

You probably shared a cooking class let's be honest 😏

You got paired up with Osamu who had noticed you around school

"Hey, yer that new girl aren't ya?" He asked

"Yeah! And you're Osamu Miya. I've heard all about you from the girls. You are quite the popular guy," you say smiling

Please YN you made Osamu blush so hard 😊

You chat and work with Osamu just as the bell for lunch rings

You grab your stuff, walking towards the door when Osamu approaches you and asks you if you want to have lunch with him and his friends

"Sure- I'd love-" you start to say

When all of a sudden, I hear this agitating, grading voice

"SAMU! WHAT THE HELL, IVE BEEN WAIT-" a man looking a lot like Osamu saying coming up to you, stopping as he stares at you

Atsumu rn 👉🏻👁👄👁

Osamu just rolls his eyes and walks away, hoping you'll get the hint and follow him

You don't get the hint 😐

"Hi! I'm YN," you say, smiling at the blonde version of Osamu

Atsumu is still just staring 👁👄👁

Osamu stops, turns and rolls his eyes again at the scene, "come on YN, I don't want to the stupid rubbing off on ya"

Osamu grabs your hand as you giggle, Atsumu still standing there

"Would you like to come with?" You say

Atsumu only nods, still looking like a fool and follows

From then on, I'm sorry to say but you've got yourself a permanent Miya shadow

Literally, once Atsumu opens up to you, he doesn't stop talking

Soon he's waiting for you after class, for lunch, heck the man is even LATE TO PRACTICE A FEW TIMES 😱

YN what is this affect you are having?!?!

It's one day during lunch that the situation of needing a manager is brought up

"Gin it's your turn to fill water bottles today," Suna says sitting down as Ginjima grumbles

"God I hate that!"- he says as Aran laughs, sitting across from you

"Well it wouldn't be a problem if we could actually have a manager,"- He says, chuckling

"Yeah that will never happen," Michinari says rolling his eyes 🙄

You look at everyone confused and ask, "why?"

"Because of dumb and dumber,"- Suna interjects, the table laughing

"I'll be your manager!" You say, smiling wide

Atsumu stops eating half way to his mouth, Aran and Omimi just look at you

"I dont know YN," Kita says

"Why not? I mean I can fill water bottles and help set up nets. I'm not incapable, plus I know a little about volleyball from watching you guys practice," you say, defending your case

Atsumu is just looking at you

Please this man is falling so hard for you

But it could be a catch 22 having you as the teams manager

Sure he'd be close to you all the time but that would mean the team as well as other guys would be close as well

And Atsumu is a jealous and possessive man YN ✋🏻

Before Atsumu can even open his mouth, Aran speaks up

"I say we give her a shot. I mean she seems to be able to stand Samu and Sumu so she can't be that bad right?"

"I'm beginning to think we should take offense to this Sumu," Osamu says

Atsumu doesn't say anything, still staring at you as you look to him and smile

God he loves when you're happy and if this makes you happy, then he'll do it

Unfortunately for Atsumu, his daily affirmations of "YN likes you and nobody else. You are the greatest setter in the entire world. You are better than Tobio" doesn't work ☹️

Because the first week of you being the teams manager, Atsumu has almost lost it on all of his teammates

Several times in fact, Osamu has had to talk him down off the "YN is not yours" ledge

Atsumu's blood would boil everytime he saw Suna's fingers graze yours when you handed him a water bottle

Or when Omimi caught you after you tripped over your own two feet carrying towels

But the final straw was hit when it was Osamu who was on the receiving end of your affections

Atsumu had just set the ball to Osamu for their famous minus tempo attack

When Osamu slammed the ball into the other court, you screamed in excitement

"SAMU THAT WAS AN AMAZING KILL!! HOLY CRAP I CANT BELIEVE THAT,"- you just being adorable

That is what set Atsumu off

"WHY ARE YOU CHEERING FOR SAMU WHEN IT WAS ME THAT SET THAT SPIKE UP PERFECTLY YN?"- Atsumu shouting

Ope 👀

The entire gym falls silent

You stare at Atsumu, lips pursed shut

You had no intention on hurting Atsumu's feelings, you were just so excited 🥺

"I'm sorry Sumu. You're right I shouldn't have done that. That was a great set," you say before turning to go to the hallway

Atsumu knew he messed up and he was so mad at himself

He let his jealousy get the best of him

Before anyone could say anything to him, he ran after you finding you sitting on a bench

He came up to you, kneeling in front of you as he grabbed your cheeks and lifted your delicate face, your eyes meeting his

"YN I'm so freaking sorry I yelled at you! I- I just got so jealous. I really like ya YN and I just want to impress you,"he said, his sad eyes now looking into yours

"You- you like me Sumu?" You said, stuttering

"I do pretty girl, I really do," he said

"I like you to Sumu," you said grabbing his face back and pulling him in for a light peck on the lips

When you pulled back, he smiled, pulling you in, kissing you harder

"Ugh will you two knock it off?!? YN I told ya the idiot liked you," Osamu said, Suna right besides him recording

"Wait you told YN I liked her?" Atsumu said looking from Osamu to you

"He told me this morning after I told him I liked you. I asked him how I should confess and.."

Atsumu smiled at you, kissing you again before pulling you into a tight embrace

"You're mine now YN," he said, whispering into your hair as he hugs you tight

"Sumu let yer girlfriend go! You're suffocating her!" Osamu yelled again

Atsumu pulled back, standing up and extending his hand to yours

You walked back to the gym, hand in hand as you continued practice

The next few months were a dream

You and Atsumu got into a routine of being a couple, much to the dismay of ALL of the Miya fangirls

You got use to the name calling and jealousy they brought because of your status as Atsumu's Girlfriend

You knew Atsumu adored you, always holding your hand or holding you close as you walked together

When Spring Nationals rolled around, you were so excited!

This was your first big tournament and you were ready!

You walked in the back with Atsumu as he held your hand, Osamu, Suna and Ginjima following

YN and her bodyguard squad I can't 😫

You started setting up for the teams first match against Karasuno

The boys were warming up when you decided to run to the bathroom

Karasuno had been warming up as well and everyone was ready to go

You figured a quick break wouldn't hurt so you didn't tell Atsumu or the team you were leaving

Bad choice already YN

Coming out of the bathroom, you walk back to the gym, the doors suddenly swinging open just as you reached for the handle, causing the heavy door to slam into your hand

"Ohh ouch!!" You wince as you see the person opening the door peer around it

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I had no idea someone was out here," the tall boy said, his Karasuno orange beaming

You shake it off and smile, you're sure you'll have a bruise there but it wasn't the boys fault

"Hey its OK! It wasn't anyone's fault," you say, putting your hand up and wincing again as the funny movement made your hand hurt

"Here let me look at that," he says, grabbing your hand

"I'm Tobio Kageyama by the way, I play for Karasuno," he says, checking over your hand

"I'm YN LN, Manager for Inarizaki," you say

"Yeah I know, I-I saw you in there," he says blushing

He looks so cute when he's blushing I can't 🥰🥰🥰

You chat a little as Kageyama checks your hand out, making sure it's not broken

What you both don't know is that the door to the gym is still open 👀

You know the gym where everyone is practicing... 👀👀

The gym where your boyfriend currently resides 👀👀👀

It's literally like 30 seconds of you and Kageyama talking before Suna notices

"Hey- what the hell," he says studying you

Osamu looks up at him and then to the door

"Oh shit-" he says

Atsumu turns around to see what's happening, his eyes following his brother and Suna's to see you standing with Kageyama

It takes 0.02 seconds to register before Atsumu absolutely loses his shit

"KAGEYAMA GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HER," Atsumu says, running full speed towards you and Kageyama

Atsumu grabs your bad hand from Kageyama, causing you to wince and whimper

Atsumu looks at you, then at Kageyama, his eyes filled with rage

"WHAT IN THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER?" He growls, ready to fight Kageyama on the spot

Osamu and Suna come up, the rest of the team as well as Karsuno in toe

"Sumu stop! It was an accident! I hit my hand on the door as Tobio was coming out. He didn't do anything to me," you plead, looking at your boyfriend

His gaze is locked on Kageyama, arms possessively around you

"Sumu please-" you beg as he finally breaks his stare with Kageyama, looking down to see you smiling at him

He breaths in, looking back up to Kageyama before turning away and walking you to the bench

You sit down, Atsumu at your side as he gently grabs your hand and looks it over

He grabs a wrap and tape, making sure to be gentle as he bandages you up

He doesn't speak, still seething with anger

You don't say anything, waiting for him to cool down

When he finishes, he grabs your injured hand, turning it palm up and kisses it lightly

You meet his eyes and melt 🥺

"I love ya pretty girl, and I don't like anyone touching what's mine," he says, pulling you closer

"I love you too Sumu," you say back, giving him a light kiss before he returns to the court, his intense gaze reappearing as he narrows in on his target

Boy would I hate to be Kageyama right now ��

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torchickentacos · 2 years ago

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Hi hmmm i guess my WIP themes rn are mid-life crises. I mean I told you my Norman idea but I'm also working on a moms fic that happens pretty much right after Caroline's divorce and just about Delia helping her through it. Also, early 20s crises AKA Chloe not knowing if she wants to keep doing contests. It's been months since I've updated oops but I think some of it hits a lil close to home rn.

Also, just relationships w/ ppl across distance and time? Idk if that makes sense but my appeal fic has Dawn competing in Hoenn with Kenny, Drew, etc. while Zoey is competing in the master rank in Sinnoh and kinda having a tough time, and just how they miss each other and keep in touch and support each other through it. My OT4 fic spans AG to at least XY, I think Drew will travel with the gang for some of AG before he and May go to Johto, and after that there'll be occasional calls and reunions and time skips and such. Very much a WIP lol. I guess one of my shigesatogou WIPs falls into that category too just bc at that point it's been years since Gary's really talked to Ash so he feels a lil weird about how close he and Goh are.

Whew that got long anyways I hope u enjoyed reading this friend! <3

HIIIIIIIII ANSWERING ASKS NOW I AM SO HAPPY I GOT SOME! I asked for them and then took a quiz and a shower and made dinner and didn't answer them oops. SO.

First off, we love a good midlife crisis. And now I kind of want to make a norman midlifecrisisdivorcecore amv to this song, which I only know isnce I'm the oldest of four. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XSdEo0Fel8 And I LOVE seeing the moms content so lmk when that's posted! and YES I can see the chloe thing hitting close to home-idk what your situation is, but in general early twenties is seemingly prime real estate for quarterlife crises. I feel like I have one every other week.

And, putting my usual lighthearted taylor self away for a second here, I think it's really important to write those stories about relationships across time and distance. It's something that I've struggled with a lot personally, and it feels like it never gets easier to keep in touch with people. I love that concept narratively, though, and there's a lot of potential for emotional rollercoasters there. There's potential for so many complicated emotions-one that sticks out to me that I'm writing in my wip is the idea of hearing about how good smeone's been doing without you and wishing that, in some capacity, they could at least pretend to be as broken up about the timing and distance as you are. idk.

Is this the may/drew/ash/gary OT4 because I am IN LOVE with the idea of them! I feel like my answer isn't hella coherent but I am looking forward to everything you've mentioned here- especially the ot4 and moms content!!!!!

#friends and mutuals tag #thank you!!!!#taylor's tag

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traincat · 3 years ago

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I feel like I've read a ton, but I'm honestly still pretty new to comics rn. That being said... What is one more day? Ik we don't like it and it happened a while ago, but that's about it [,=

Time for Spider-Man History With Traincat: Highly Controversial Storylines! And that feeling is totally normal with comics with huge canons -- you can read a ton and still have some fairly big blindspots in your understanding of the total picture. That being said, this is kind of a big one, both in terms of Spider-Man history/canon and in terms of how Spider-Man fandom functions. I would say probably no other storyline has had quite as much impact on how the fandom views and interacts with the source material as One More Day/Brand New Day. It's been the Wild West out here ever since it happened. (Which was in 2007, so like, yes, fairly long ago, especially when you look at how Spider-Man canon has evolved since, but in the grand scheme of things, also kind of recent. One More Day is not old enough to rent a car.)

So when people talk about Spider-Man's One More Day, they're usually actually talking about two related arcs: One More Day and Brand New Day. For the sake of simplicity, I'm going to be covering both. For the sake of transparency, I am going to admit that I think One More Day, as a self-contained story, is good, actually. This is controversial! I admit that! But I stand by my stupid opinions on this blog, for some reason. I think One More Day when you examine it on its own, by which I mean you ignore the decade and a half worth of canon that came after it, as a Spider-Man story and as a PeterMJ-centric story holds up under scrutiny and that people who don't like it don't like complicated love stories and might actually throw their own mothers under buses. No offense to the OMD haters. Little bit of offense to the OMD haters. Brand New Day, which is the continuation of One More Day, on the other hand -- largely bad. Very largely bad.

But let's backtrack. One More Day is a four issue crossover storyline that takes place directly after Civil War, during which Iron Man and Captain America got divorced and divvied up the superhero community and Spider-Man made some startlingly bad decisions and made a fugitive out of himself and his family in a manner that got Aunt May shot, and Spider-Man: Back in Black (Amazing Spider-Man #539–543) which examines Peter's actions immediately after Aunt May is shot and ends with him humiliating the Kingpin in front of an entire prison. One More Day consists of Amazing Spider-Man #544 -> Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man #24 -> Sensational Spider-Man v2 #41 -> Amazing Spider-Man #545. In One More Day, Aunt May is dying, all of Peter's efforts to save her have thus far failed, and, consumed by guilt, he is rapidly running out of time. Approached by Mephisto, a literal demon from hell, Peter is offered a deal: Aunt May will live -- and Peter's identity, which was previously revealed to the world at large during Civil War, will once again be hidden from the memories of all but a select few -- if Peter trades him his marriage to Mary Jane. Peter and Mary Jane struggle with this, but eventually both agree to the deal. The clock strikes twelve, the deal is done, and Peter and Mary Jane's marriage fades into history.

(ASM #545) A reasonably simple premise for a story that caused so many problems -- most, I would argue, not actually the original story's fault. So obviously, this was an unpopular move -- Peter and Mary Jane had for a long time been a fan favorite Marvel couple, and in a fictional universe where most relationships are doomed as soon as they begin, the enduring Spider-Marriage was sacred ground. And then, with a snap of its fingers, it was gone: Peter wakes up in Aunt May's house, no longer married, with Mary Jane out of the picture. (She would not return to the book on any sort of consistent basis for over 50 issues.) In the wake of One More Day began Brand New Day, which is basically what it sounds like: a promised "brand new day" of "exciting" Spider-Man content and a publishing schedule where Amazing Spider-Man came out three times a month. (Which sounds good on paper but I think in practice caused more problems than it created good storylines.) Peter, newly single again, had new love interests! And also Harry Osborn was alive again for some reason! I generally like Harry's post-BND stories so that part's fine with me.

But overall? Brand New Day is a mess. It knows it wants to tread new and exciting ground with Peter -- tell new stories! ensnare new readers! make them fork out for a book three times a month. -- but it doesn't know what those stories should be. Readers who were invested in Peter and Mary Jane's relationship -- a major facet of Spider-Man comics for decades at that point -- felt rightfully betrayed that the marriage could be so easily traded in and that Mary Jane herself, perhaps the second most important figure in Spider-Man comics after Peter, could be tossed aside. From a personal point of view, I think Brand New Day fails in large part because it abandons what has always made Spider-Man such a compelling series, and that's the mix of Peter's personal life with his vigilante life. BND sees Peter with new friends, new jobs, new love interests, etc -- it is very much a brand new day! But it isn't a better day compared to the stories that came before it. I do like some post-BND stories, especially American Son (ASM #595-599) and Grim Hunt (ASM #634-637), but compared to pre-BND where I think the majority of canon is good, it's a very lacking body of work that is hurt by the way it divorced itself from the PeterMJ marriage as Spider-Man's central relationship.

"But Traincat, I thought you said you liked One More Day?" Yeaaaaah. I do. This is why I keep saying I like One More Day on its own merits, and not on the merits of the stories it opened the doors for. I like a good romantic tragedy in fiction, and the way Peter and Mary Jane's final scene in One More Day plays out is beautiful. I like the idea of Peter caught in this impossible situation, being asked to choose between two women he loves more than his own life. A really common criticism I see leveled against One More Day is that Peter should have chosen his relationship with Mary Jane over May's life, which is -- okay, I think it's weird that people keep insisting on this, not in the least because by asking Peter to sacrifice his aunt's life they're essentially demanding he commit a callous, out of character act in order to further his own interests. It's also weird because the thing is, Peter already chose Mary Jane over May -- that's what gets them into this situation. It's literally in the scene where May is shot:

(ASM #538) When the gun goes off, Peter's spider-sense kicks in, and he covers Mary Jane, leaving May in the path of the bullet. He does choose Mary Jane over May, regardless of whether he realized what he was doing. And that's why he can't make that choice a second time. His actions in One More Day do make sense for him as a character, whether or not any individual reader likes them, and Mary Jane's actions make sense, too -- after all, she's the one who ultimately tells Mephisto that they agree to the deal when Peter can't bring himself to voice it.

A lot of people also like to nitpick One More Day by going, well, why could (x) or (y) with life saving powers save Aunt May which is like -- yeah, I guess, but if we're going to ask that about this specific comic book near death setup, you kind of have to do it with every single one, and I'm not going to stake every single moment of comic book drama on whether or not that gold kid from the X-Men was busy at the time. Comics are soap operas in flimsy paper form: serialized longform storytelling that relies heavily on melodrama. Sometimes you have to go with things. Sometimes you sell your marriage to the devil. Stuff happens. That in and of itself doesn't make One More Day a bad story -- and while some people blame the Spider-Marriage's dissolution entirely on One More Day, I think that's a little shortsighted when you look at the history of Spider-Man since the turn of the century. It's clear -- and Marvel themselves have been perhaps a little too open about this -- that Marvel in the past few decades has had trouble with the direction they want to take Spider-Man. They WANTED Spider-Man to appeal to a distinctly youthful audience that they didn't think they were actually reaching -- understandable, considering that Marvel nearly went bankrupt around 2000 and was saved by Ultimate Spider-Man, an out of main continuity series which retold Spider-Man from the beginning and focused heavily on Peter as a teen -- but the problem was Spider-Man in the main continuity was at that point in canon a happily married man who was pushing the dreaded 30 whether or not they wanted to admit that. This is also why Marvel has continually pivoted away from Spider-Man having kids, because they feared that making him a dad would age him too much and make him unrelatable to their coveted audience of Teens. (This is also why almost every new Spider-Man property, especially the live action movies, perpetually stick him back into high school, despite that occupying a very small slice of 616 canon.) So around the year 2000, they started trying things in relation to the Spider-Marriage, which was viewed as a major problem -- after all, what's more adult than being married and liking your wife. First, they had Mary Jane presumed dead. Then, they had Mary Jane and Peter separate. Then, when Mary Jane and Peter had only recently gotten back together, One More Day struck. If One More Day specifically hadn't gone the way it had, it's pretty clear that the Spider-Marriage was going to go one way or another -- it's a little bit of a shame it happened when it did, because OMD is the end of J Michael Straczynski's run, and JMS wrote a really beautiful Peter and MJ relationship. But Marvel as a company and especially editor in chief at the time Joe Quesada viewed Peter and Mary Jane's relationship as a major problem in how they wanted to portray Spider-Man and thought that striking the relationship from the books would allow them more freedom in their portrayal of him as younger and more relatable to their Desired Audience of people who I guess really wanted to see Peter sleep with characters who weren't Mary Jane.

(ASM #546. Younger! Fresher! Less attached! Kissing random women in the club!)

The problem with One More Day has always been in the follow through -- from the content of Brand New Day to the pacing of events to the fact that Marvel withheld key information for such a long time that it allowed misinformation to thrive. After all, what does it MEAN to trade Peter and Mary Jane's marriage to the devil? It altered the events of canon in Peter and the majority of other characters' memories so that the marriage didn't exist, but it left people wondering -- did the relationship as they remembered it existed? How much of Spider-Man canon was altered? And the answers didn't come for over 100 issues of Amazing Spider-Man. One Moment In Time or OMIT (Amazing Spider-Man #638-641), which revealed that while Peter and Mary Jane never got married in the altered canon they did continue their long committed relationship up until just after Civil War, was published in 2010, so essentially readers were hung out to dry without answers for three years. That's a long time to string people along, but not as long as it took Marvel to confirm that the popular fan theory that Mary Jane retained her memories of the original timeline as part of her own deal with Mephisto was also true, which happened this year. I would say, at least from my perspective, a lot of the frustration doesn't come from the individual One More Day storyline so much as how Marvel has continually dragged out the aftermath, using the promise of a Spider-Marriage return to keep fans on the hook. Which is why One More Day continually comes up in discussion of current Spider-Man, because Spencer's run has relied very heavily on imagery from that period with a serious question of whether or not there actually was going to be payoff, something which is still up in the air.

This has been Spider-Man History With Traincat, brought to you by anonymice like you.

#traincat talks comics #long post #*replies

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julemmaes · 4 years ago

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Hey, I really enjoy "Love her like she should be loved" and I was wondering if you'll update it soon? Like.. I've been looking at A03 page everyday waiting, no rush tho. Have a good day!

You’re Not Alone (3)

Cassian and Nesta Archeron modern au

A/N: I know yall always tell me not to be sorry, but I AM AND I CAN’T HELP IT. I’m sorry I made you wait sooo fucking long for this, but I’m kinda struggling with things rn and I really hate it so yeah, hope you can understand that.

Also, this didn’t went as good as I thought, but I took inspiration from what I think would go down with people I know in real life in a situation like this and I really hope it makes sense for you too. Enjoy!:)

part one, part two

Word count: 6,665

Nesta had responded to Feyre's message the next morning with a simple 'Okay, we can meet for dinner tonight.' and then invited the entire group to her house.

When she warned Cassian that he would have to go grocery shopping for everyone, he was shocked for a moment, looking at her carefully and trying to figure out if she was joking.

"Are you serious?" he asked her, taking a seat at the table and holding the cup of warm milk in his hands.

Nesta arched an eyebrow, throwing a glance over her shoulder, "What?"

Cassian had to tell himself to calm down, because the anger he had managed to repel all night was surfacing again. Not at Nesta, but at Rhysand, Morrigan. "I understand that you want to settle things with your sisters and..." he stammered, "and the others, but invite them here for dinner. Are you sure it won't end badly and that it won't contaminate this safe space?"

Nesta had stopped washing the dishes and although she had her back turned, he knew that her eyes were closed. Cassian stiffened, ready to stand up in case she needed physical comfort. The girl closed the faucet and turned towards him, taking a deep breath, "Tonight will not be easy," she announced.

Cassian nodded as he finished his breakfast and stood up, "I know it won't be easy, that's why I worry," he moved her from her position in front of the sink and put his cup in it, "If tonight goes poorly and you feel overwhelmed, you won't be able to go back to your house in a quiet and peaceful place and calm down." he took to washing the dishes for her, looking down at her face.

"I know, Cass." she passed her hand through her hair sighing, untangling it. She looked at him in turn, looking for confirmation, "But if I let them in here, maybe they will think that I'm really trying to apologize and that I want things to work out." she took one hand to her lips, biting the edge of her nail.

Cassian put the last cutlery in the dishwasher and took her wrist, taking her hand away from her mouth and bringing it to his, before leaving a kiss on her palm. Nesta smiled at him, but that happiness lasted only a few seconds because she grew grim, closing her eyes, "I'm afraid of messing everything up".

"I know, sweetheart." he whispered to her, "I'm afraid too."

She opened her eyes, frowning.

"I'm afraid that Rhys will be so blinded by hatred that he won't hear anything we say." he began, "I'm afraid that Mor will say things that - even if they are not true - will find a way to get under your skin."

Nesta leaned towards him, taking both hands to his chest, "I'm afraid that Elain will understand and that Feyre won't." she murmured, "I'm afraid that they will fight because of me. I'm terrified that this will affect Rhysand and Feyre's relationship more than I can imagine."

Cassian took a deep breath. He hadn't thought about that.

"Listen to me," he took her face in his hands, Nesta looked him straight in the eye, "both your sisters and my family are adults. We're not talking to children. We're talking to people who can think logically and who know what it means to be mentally ill."

She hesitated for a long moment and then nodded with conviction before shaking her head vehemently. She took a trembling breath and Cassian saw the moment Nesta's insecurities appeared on the surface when her eyes became lucid.

She slipped away from his touch, giving him her shoulders and leaning against the island. She was taking deep and quick breaths.

Cassian knew he didn't have to touch her when she was having an anxiety attack, but that didn't stop him from going near her and trying to calm her down. He spoke to her softly, but firmly, "I know it's scary Nesta. I know it's not easy, but you're not alone." he clenched his hands when her breath broke and the instinct to take her in his arms became overwhelming.

"You are not alone and whatever happens tonight we can stop. Whether it's when they arrive and they're still outside the door or it's halfway through dinner, you can get up and leave the room." she still had her eyes closed and a few tears were streaming down her cheeks. "You just have to look at me and I will understand Nes. I will send them away. You don't have to worry about that."

Nesta put a hand on her chest. "Breathe sweetheart. Focus on my voice."

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

"What if they all start to turn against me?" she asked in a voice so weak that it broke his heart.

Cassian tightened his jaw, knowing full well that this could be one of many options, "If they even dare to gang up on you, I'll take care of it. I'm not lying when I say that you are not alone."

Nesta held her breath, pressing the back of her hand over her cheeks. Then she nodded once and turned towards him. "I am not alone." she repeated like a prayer.

"You are not alone."

He held her in his arms when she threw herself at him and swung into her kitchen for another twenty minutes before they both had to leave to go to class.

During the morning Cassian had tried to concentrate as much as possible on what the teachers had explained, but as he could well imagine, there had been no way to follow a single lesson. Every single thought he had was focused on the dinner that would take place that evening.

Around lunchtime, Nesta had warned him that there would be six of them. Azriel and Amren would not be there.

He hadn't commented on this choice. After all, he knew that it would already be very complicated to talk to her sisters, with the fact that Morrigan and Rhysand would also be there. Cassian felt slightly relieved that they would not have to endure the enigmatic silence of his older brother and the mocking looks of his friend. He would have thought about it another day to set the record straight with the two of them.

He left campus at five o'clock and very slowly walked to his car. He arrived downtown half an hour later and sat in the supermarket parking lot for a long time, his hands tight around the steering wheel and his eyes fixed onto the void, too deep in his thoughts.

He would not have been able to hold back that night, if Rhysand had even tried to say anything negative or if he had tried to minimize Nesta's problems. He did not know if he would be able to stop if he crossed the line.

He ran his hand over his face, taking a deep breath and breaking that trance he had been in for what seemed like centuries.

Luckily he only had to buy a few things. He had almost finished - he was looking for olives for the Greek salad and couldn't find them in any of the aisles - when his phone rang. The ringtone was not the personalized one he used for Nesta and he didn't bother to answer it quickly.

He frowned when he saw that it was Mor, but brought the phone to his ear nonetheless, accepting the call, "Hello?".

"Where are you?"

Cassian looked around confused, "At the mall, why?"

"And are you with Nesta?"

"No, she's home."

He heard Mor mumbling something and then huffing, "Understood, well, couldn't you tell your sweetheart to open the door to the house for us?" she asked exasperated.

The blood froze in Cassian's veins, "Why are you already there?" he asked as he walked towards the cashiers, hurrying up shortly afterwards. He removed the phone from his ear, looking at the time, "Mor, it's half past six, why the hell are you already there?".

He heard his friend's indignation even through the phone, "Don't use that tone with me, I didn't show up here earlier out of spite-" she was interrupted by someone, presumably Rhysand, who warned her by saying her name. She huffed, "Nesta told us to come at this time."

Cassian cursed under his breath and hurried to put all the things on the tape, remaining silent while thinking which way would be the fastest to get to Nesta's house.

"Cassian?”

He passed the money to the cashier, waiting for the change before answering, "Yes, Mor, I'm still here".

"So?"

"Did you ring?" he asked, running towards the parking lot.

"Do you think we are brainless? Of course we rang the doorbell!" Cassian thought at that very moment that if Mor hadn't dropped the attitude by the time dinner arrived, he would have pulled her hair out one by one.

"I'll call you back in ten minutes," he told her, throwing the bags in the back seats and letting the food fall out.

"Ten minutes?" asked the blonde in a distraught tone, "I'm not going to wait that long just because that bitc-" movement was heard through the speaker and Cassian had to refrain from yelling at Morrigan. A few seconds later, he heard Feyre's voice, "No problem Cass, we're going for a drive around here and we'll be back in ten minutes, please text me when you're there."

Cassian thanked her, praying to every god on earth that others would be as forgiving as she was during dinner. He quickly typed in Nesta's number and drove out of the parking lot, focusing more on what he would want to say to Mor than on the street.

She didn't answer immediately and Cassian had to call her back twice, starting to worry that Nesta had changed her mind at last and that something serious had happened. When she answered on the fourth call, he released a relieved laugh.

"What is it Cass? I was taking a shower," she said irritated, "You interrupted the music eighty times," she mumbled annoyed.

Cassian put his hand over his mouth, "Hey baby, listen," he started, going straight to the point, "what time did you say everybody was coming?"

"At 7:30, why?" she asked and he could imagine her naked in the middle of the bathroom with a frown on her face.

"I think you wrote the message with the wrong time then. Mor called me and they are all there already. They buzzed a couple of times, you must not have heard them because of the music."

Silence.

"Nesta?"

"Fuck, no." she breathed through the microphone. "I can't let them up, tell them I'm not at home." she said in a hurry, "I can't be alone with them. I need you here while I do it. I need you here while I'm doing it."

"Calm down Nes, I already asked them to go for a ride. I'm in the car and I'm on my way."

"Are you driving?" she asked in the tone of one who seemed to have forgotten everything that had just happened. He didn't answer, knowing full well that he was going to kick his ass. "God, how many times have I told you not to talk on the phone while driving?"

"We're not having this conversation again." he snorted, turning right to take the highway, "Would you send a message to Feyre saying you made a mistake and the appointment was supposed to be in an hour?"

Nesta hesitated and then asked quietly, "Can't you do it?"

"You just yelled at me because I'm on the phone with you while behind the wheel and you want me to write a message?"

"You could pull over," she asked.

Cassian knew where all that anxiety was coming from and asking her to do something that would stress her even more on a day like this would be bad. He swelled her cheeks and released all the air and then nodded, "Alright, see you in ten."

"Pull over, though, don't text while you're driving."

"Yeah yeah, don't worry."

"I swear Cassian that if they call me from the hospital-"

"They won't," he reassured her, chuckling, "See you in a bit."

He put down the call with Nesta and called Feyre back, warning her that there had been a misunderstanding and that they would not be ready for at least another hour. The girl had reassured him that there were no problems, but despite Feyre's various attempts to mask Mor's offenses, Cassian had heard them anyway.

He arrived at Nesta's apartment in a very short time and as soon as he entered the house, she was all over him. The bags full of food fell from his hands when he had to hold Nesta to his chest to avoid falling backwards.

He breathed in her hair, rubbing his hands on her back in relaxing circles, "Hello beautiful".

"You haven't even looked me in the face yet," she murmured against his chest in a muffled voice. He snickered, "I don't need to see you to know that you are beautiful."

When they broke off to kiss Cassian felt that she was hesitant.

He put his hand on her cheek, "Are you sure you want to do this tonight?"

She closed her eyes, relishing in the moment, "Cassian, as much as I love you, tonight I need you to tell me that I'm ready and not give me a way out every time we talk."

He nodded, frowned and put on a fake tough-guy-expression, imitating the voice of his high school coach, "What are you hugging me for, woman? Tonight you have to be strong and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I should have let your sisters in and let the wolves eat you alive."

Nesta pushed him slightly, with a grimace on her face, "Stupid." she whispered.

He gave her a sincere smile, moving a lock of hair from her face, "What do you say you start cooking something so I can take a shower without the terror of you running away and as soon as I get out of here I help you finish?" he suggested, taking off his jacket and taking the groceries to the kitchen, Nesta just tailed him. She answered affirmatively and after leaving a kiss on her lips, he ran to the bathroom.

When he came out, washed and combed, it was quarter past seven and Nesta had set the table in the small living room. The Greek salad without olives was in the center, next to the keftedes she had prepared during the day. Cassian really did not know with what desire and spirit she had cooked all that good food for people who had always hated her.

He entered the kitchen when Nesta took the moussaka out of the oven, also result of her afternoon spent cooking and Cassian started to cut the bread and put it together with the various cheeses and cold cuts he had bought.

Nesta wasn't talking, but he saw it in the way she was jerking and looking around frantically that her nerves were about to explode. When the oven timer rang, Nesta almost screamed and Cassian had to stop what he was doing and went towards her, grabbing her by the shoulders, "Look at me."

Nesta looked at him immediately.

"Talk to me." he whispered to her.

She remained silent, so he gave her a hand in starting the conversation, "When are you going to tell them?"

"Tonight."

Cassian chuckled, "Obviously," she sighed, "I meant at what point. Before dinner, during, after?" he asked confidently so as to pass on some of that comfort. He also knew that, for her, having a plan of action, whether it was for dinner or a vacation, was very important and took away a lot of the anxiety that these things brought on her.

She straightened her shoulders, "I don't have the slightest idea, I thought doing it before, maybe with a glass of wine, would be better, but then I thought that if it goes wrong they will leave before we can eat and then we would have to eat Greek for days and not that I mind, but I don't think it's the best for our diet, you know. " she looked him dead in the eye while she was blathering on, clasping her hands around his forearms, "Then I thought about doing it during dinner, but if we start yelling at each other-" "They won't go that far, I promise you." "You don't know that. If we start yelling at each other and then someone chokes on the food, we risk one of us suffocating and dying. And I would like to avoid that." Cassian laughed at that point. Nesta looked at him very badly, "And afterwards, we might as well do it, but afterwards they are more likely to leave earlier, because maybe they think they'd done their part and had dinner with me, they apologize, I apologize and then they leave and I don't have time to explain myself."

Cassian raised an eyebrow, "So you want to do it first?"

"I don't want to eat Greek for a week, I've made so much that we could feed an army."

"During dinner seems the best moment honestly." he confessed to her, tearing her hands from his arms, taking the souvlaki and putting them in the oven. Nesta thanked him quietly. "I mean, we could approach the topic at any time, doing it between one piece of spanakotiropita and the other shouldn't be too complicated."

Nesta was about to answer when the doorbell rang and she froze on the spot.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit."

Cassian wanted to open the door and send everyone away, because Nesta had started moving in circles and was waving her hands mid-air. He had seen her anxious about a lot of things, but he knew that this would be a decisive point in her life and the idea of the change it would bring - whether positive or negative it would be - was overwhelming.

"Remember sweetheart, the second you want them to leave, you look at me, you wink at me and I'll let you escape." he reminded her, approaching the front door and pushing a button to open the gate of the building. They would be in the house in less than a minute.

Nesta was torturing her hands, but now she had a hard look on her face, "I'm scared shitless of Morrigan," she whispered. Cassian didn't have time to answer because someone knocked and he was forced to open the door.

Feyre gave him a wide smile that didn't reach her eyes and his gaze went from the two Archeron sisters to Rhysand.

He hadn't heard from him that day and hadn't seen him since the night before, when he had screamed at him.

He smiled at him in a strange way, but the younger one seemed to appreciate the gesture anyway because he gave him a lopsided smile in return.

"Hey Cass." Mor said in a tone that promised trouble, "Are you going to let us in, or are you having serious issues with welcoming people into your house too?"

His jaw hardened and Nesta appeared at his side, placing a hand on his arm. The blonde's eyes snapped to the spot where her hand was clutching the fabric of his shirt, "Sorry Morrigan, I didn't hear the doorbell before and I made a typo, I didn't think your life depended on the hour I made you lose. And I didn't think you'd be interested in coming here and watching me cook, I'll take that into account next time."

Mor nodded once, clutching her hands on the bag. The two women stared into each other's eyes for eternal moments, until Elain cleared her voice, "Hello Nes."

Things seemed to lighten up and when Cassian stepped aside, letting Rhysand and Mor in as the three sisters hugged, the group split up and the tension in the air seemed to get heavier.

Cassian had no idea how he should behave.

"This way." he pointed in the direction of the living room and when he turned to see if they were following him, Rhys handed him a bottle of wine, his lips reduced to a thin line and his shoulders tense.

"Here," he muttered, and Cassian was pleasantly surprised that he wasn't the only one struggling, "Nesta told us not to bring anything, but it looked bad."

"Oh, yes please, open it," said Mor on the other side of the living room, while analyzing the photos on the shelves. Photos of him and Nesta. Photos that his girlfriend had moved every time her sisters had visited in the last few months.

Cassian looked towards the entrance and saw that Nesta and the others were no longer there, they must have gone to the kitchen. He turned to his friend and she was looking over her shoulder at him, "We're going to need it so badly if she's going to keep that attitude all night long".

Rhys sighed, carrying a hand over his face, "Mor, drop it…"

Cassian raised his hand to stop him, without moving his eyes from the blonde, "No, please continue, that's why we are here."

Mor turned completely towards him, grinding her teeth, "I really don't understand how you can be in a relationship with her." Rhysand stiffened beside him, "Did you see how she replied to me before?" she asked, waving one hand towards the door.

"Oh for fuck's sake," whispered Cassian angrily, "you hadn't even entered the house and had already insulted both me and her. You are not the victim here so stop acting like a child and try to understand where all the resentment comes from."

Mor was about to answer, but Elain had just entered the living room and Rhysand had cleared his throat before he took his seat. Mor did the same thing, followed by Elain and Feyre. Cassian shook his head and headed into the kitchen.

Nesta was looking at the pans with the various foods inside, clenching and opening her fists, which made Cassian's chest tighten. He had gone into the room with the intention of telling her that he would not be able to hold back if Mor continued like that, to warn her that if he exploded, it would not be her fault, but now that he saw her so agitated all his attention had turned to her.

"How are you?" he asked her, putting his hand on the small of her back. He kissed her temple.

Nesta turned towards him, taking a deep breath and releasing all the air. She did it one more time. The third time, Cassian breathed with her.

She nodded and took one of the pans, he opened the bottle of wine, took a second pan and returned to the living room.

Elain and Mor sat at the head of the table and Rhysand and Feyre on one of the sides, leaving the seats in front of them free for Cassian and Nesta.

The woman of the house laid the food on the table, asking those present to pass her the plates and what and how much food they wanted. Cassian sat down and poured the wine to Mor, who sat next to him. She gave him a hard smile and thanked him. Then he turned to Feyre and she shook her head, "No, thank you, I would rather not drink tonight."

Elain chuckled, "Wise choice, you were a little out of it this morning."

Rhysand gave her a big smile, "One of the worst hangovers ever, actually."

Nesta stiffened to those words, looking at her younger sister, "Sorry, if I'd known you were sick, I'd have arranged for another night."

Feyre seemed appalled for a moment, but she blinked briefly and was quick to reassure her, "Oh no, don't worry. I've taken something for my headache, and I feel better."

They began to eat in silence and Cassian was too tense and worried not to glance at Mor to really taste the food or start a conversation, but Rhysand seemed to be particularly appreciative, because he was making satisfied noises, "Nesta, this is so good. What is it?" he looked at her face for a moment and Cassian was sure that he was blushing because he bent his head down and kept eating.

"It's moussaka." answered Elain, smiling.

Nesta seemed surprised, "It's a Greek dish, our father loved Greek cuisine and this is one of the recipes he did most often."

"Well, kudos." Rhysand told her, then he turned his glaring gaze to Feyre, "I'm pretty sure you could never cook something like that."

Feyre seemed more uncomfortable than the others, not because of what her boyfriend had said, more because of the situation in general, but she didn't miss an opportunity to brazenly reply, "As if you can do better than me. We both suck and without Elain or Azriel we would have been dead long ago. Probably both buried under boxes and boxes of take-away food."

Elain laughed and Nesta dared what seemed to be a smile.

They joked for a few more minutes and at one point Cassian had relaxed so much that he even managed to laugh at one of Rhysand's jokes. Morrigan seemed to be dead next to him, but he couldn't even look at her and felt her look burn on the skin of his neck.

When the appetizers were finished and the firsts were brushed off the table, the silence spread between the chairs and the tension in the air came back, without announcing its arrival, heavier than before.

"Excuse me," said Mor suddenly, when the silence became too much, she looked at Nesta, "The bathroom?"

Nesta looked at her in turn and Cassian really thought she would not answer her, but then she murmured, "Second door on the right." pointing to the corridor and he relaxed. Mor thanked her, nothing grateful in that tone.

Cassian shifted his gaze to his brother, but Rhysand had his eyes on Nesta. The man cleared his voice, drawing everyone's attention to himself, and narrowed his eyes, "I wanted to apologize, Nesta."

She stopped, placing the fork on the napkin and nodding once.

"I'm..." he coughed, embarrassed, shifting his gaze to Feyre and bringing it back to her immediately afterwards, "I'm sure Cassian told you what happened last night."

Nesta put her hands on her legs and Cassian took the opportunity to hold her hand. The movement did not go unnoticed by the two sisters, who exchanged a glance. "Yes, he told me what happened. Not in detail though."

Rhysand swallowed noisily, "I had no idea you were sick."

So he would have gone straight to the point.

Cassian settled down in the chair, squeezing his fingers around Nesta's.

"You never cared enough about me to ask, it's understandable that you didn't know," she replied, "You never really tried to get to know me."

His tone became harsher, "Considering how you behaved the first times we all went out together and how you always treated everyone in our group, you should not be surprised."

"Rhys." Feyre warned him. He looked at her, raising an eyebrow.

"It's true," he said, turning to Nesta, "You've never given me a chance to really get to know you over the years."

Cassian could see how Nesta's walls were coming up faster than ever. The threat now so concrete that even a gust of wind could have knocked them down and made them weak.

"That's because you never tried to understand my motives, but you stopped at the description that my sister probably gave you." Nesta replied, in an equally harsh tone.

Elain seemed to whimper at the head of the table and cast a worried look at Cassian. He told her silently without speaking that they would not intervene.

Feyre leaned forward, her hands intertwined in front of her on the table, "But Nesta, you must understand that you have never really behaved well with me. You've always treated me as if I were worth nothing."

"I never thought that, and I certainly never said that. I think you are one of the most wonderful people in the world and an equally good artist." then she turned to Elain, "The same goes for you."

"And why did you treat me like that all those years after dad died?" insisted Feyre.

A door at the end of the corridor closed, and a few seconds later Mor appeared, sitting with her back upright, sensing the air.

"Because you weren't the only one to lose your parents, Feyre," said Nesta. By now her eyes had become ice. Elain gasped at those words and reached out to her older sister, but she remained hanging mid-air. "You may not remember our mother, but I do. I lost her and I lost dad on the same day," she said, gritting her teeth. "Just because we reacted differently to the mourning doesn't mean I was okay and capable of taking care of you."

Feyre caught her breath and Nesta resumed, "When dad died, there was nothing of the man I had known for half my life, but the loss was double."

"I never knew..." whispered Elain.

Nesta turned to her, "I never wanted to put this burden on you. I could have handled it on my own. Just as I was sure that you too could have done just fine without me," she whispered, "And so it turned out."

Cassian stroked the palm of her hand.

"I'm sorry for giving you the impression that I didn't care about you, for making you believe that you are not a vital part of my life, but I was young and full of anger and rather than dump everything on you I preferred to keep it all inside and maybe I did more damage than good, but my intention was never to hurt you, Feyre, or Elain," said Nesta, with gleaming eyes.

Mor snorted, "You know, people normally go to therapy for these things."

Cassian took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.

Nesta tilted her head to the side, looking at the blonde, "I've been in therapy for months now."

Elain brought a hand to her mouth, looking at Cassian, "You didn't tell us."

He had to clear his voice before he spoke, "It wasn't my place."

Feyre looked at him with her mouth slightly wide open. Rhysand had a thoughtful expression, but he too was staring at his brother.

"And I'd really like to know what your real problem is with me. Because I really can't understand what I've done to you," Nesta asked, looking sincerely confused.

Mor looked at Cassian, looked at his plate, "I don't think you are enough for him."

Cassian couldn't stand it any longer and pulling his hand away from Nesta's grip he turned his whole body to the blonde, "And why should that be any of your business?

Mor gave him a fiery look, "Because I'm your friend and I want what's best for you," she clarified, pointing to Rhysand and Feyre with a painted finger, "When the two of them got together, Feyre was friendly, sociable and never offended anyone in the group-"

"When has Nesta ever directly offended one of you?" Cassian asked exasperatedly, raising his arms to the sky. The girl remained silent, shifting her gaze between the two lovers. Cassian scoffed, "You can't even find an example. God, you're ridiculous." he ran a hand through his hair.

"Ridiculous?" cried Mor, "I'm not the one who has been hiding her relationship for months from her whole family out of fear."

Cassian stood up, raising his voice, "And don't you think that fear is because of the way you are reacting now that I would have preferred to keep it hidden for a longer period of time?!"

Mor was also standing now, "If you had told me before-"

"No!" he shouted, "No! Nothing would have changed. And it's not because you believe that Nesta is a bitch, no! It's because you're always so busy involving everyone in your going-outs and your parties and your bullshit that you don't realize that some people don't like these kinds of pastimes!" he was talking so loud that a vein popped in his neck, "Sometimes I just want to stay home and sleep, but with you it's impossible! Because you always have to force everyone. And now you've finally found someone to stand up to you and say no and you can't stand it."

Mor seemed to be shaking with anger, "You don't know what you're talking about."

"I don't?" Cassian asked laughing, no trace of amusement in the sound, "Have you ever let Azriel decide whether to stay home or not? Have any of us ever said no to you?"

Mor shook her head, not to answer, but shocked by the turn the conversation had taken, "And why do you think so?"

"Cassian, maybe you should sit and drink some water and calm down," Rhysand suggested, looking him in the eye. He didn't even bother to let him know that he had heard it.

"Nesta doesn't bitch to you and avoid you because she's a bad person, but because talking to you means accepting that you have a busy schedule that you don't want to have for the next two months and instead of saying no every time she prefers not to have connections at all" he concluded sighing and throwing himself in the chair.

Nesta rubbed a hand on his back and he closed his eyes.

Fuck.

He had spoken for her.

He shouldn't have.

They remained silent for a few seconds.

"Mor, I," Cassian resumed, in a much calmer and lower tone than before, "I didn't mean all those things, I'm just angry right now and I exaggerated."

"No, don't worry, I understand what you mean." whispered Mor, passing one hand over her shiny eyes, "I'll try not to invite you anymore when I want to cheer someone up."

Fuck.

Cassian knew very well that Morrigan's festive and witty attitude was the reason why they were all so close. All the adventures, all the laughter and the memories... they owed it to her.

"That's not-" he cursed, looking into her eyes, "I'm just trying to say that you don't have compatible personalities, but just because you like to have fun in a different way doesn't mean that Nesta isn't worthy of me or that she's a bad person just because she never went dancing with you."

Morrigan didn't answer, he stood in front of everyone and, surprising everyone, it was Nesta who resumed the conversation, "I've been really bad in the last few months, Mor."

The blonde sat back down, hands in her lap.

"I've been sick and the only person I had next to me was Cassian. I got to know him in these months, I found out what a great person he is and how much he is willing to give for those he loves," she looked at her sisters and Rhysand, back to Mor, "So I understand you perfectly right now. I understand that you're scared and you think that sooner or later I'm going to do something wrong and hurt him, but even if I do, I can assure you that the person I'm going to hurt the most is going to be me."

Cassian looked at her and the tip of his nose started to pinch. He bit his lip. He would not cry.

"I'm working hard to be a version of myself that doesn't scare me and that my sisters can recognize and I can't blame you if you don't know me, because I don't know myself either." she also turned to Rhysand, to whom she had just told practically the opposite.

"Cassian is my lifeline right now and I am willing to let my guard down for you if you are willing to respect my boundaries." she murmured, "I know this doesn't fix things and that your idea of me is still very confused, but I am really willing to give you some of my time to patch things up."

Feyre sniffed, reaching over the table towards Nesta, "Please forgive me."

Nesta smiled genuinely, "I'm sorry too, Feyre."

The younger sister got up from her chair and went around the table, surprising Cassian when she bent over Nesta to hug her. Elain smiled at her from where she sat and stood up a moment later, joining in the embrace.

"To-" Nesta resumed when Feyre and Elain broke away, "To explain a little bit why I act the way I do. I have problems, serious problems interacting with people," she murmured, picking at her nails, "Sometimes I do things I don't want to do just to regret it right away and I know it's no excuse for all the times I've been grumpy, but that's why it happens."

Rhysand cleared his throat for the ninth time, "I've been in therapy too. For several years," he confessed.

Cassian gave him a grateful smile.

"So, I know you have Cassian, and I'm sure your therapist is more than qualified for this kind of thing, but if you ever need another set of ears, you could..." he backed off, thinking maybe he was crossing one of those boundaries Nesta had just talked about, "I mean, if you need something, you can always ask."

"Same thing." Elain added, approaching her, "I may not understand half of it, but I want to be there if you let me."

Nesta nodded, more serious than ever. "Thank you."

Cassian came forward, "Thank you for talking to us sweetheart."

Mor got up in a flash, "Thank you Nesta. Cassian." she turned to the others. The look lost in the air as she gathered her things, "It was a pleasure, and the food was great."

"Mor..." Cassian stood up, "Wait."

His friend turned to him, clenching her fists, "I think I need some time. These are not things that are quickly assimilated," she told him with all the sincerity of the world.

"I understand that and I don't take it personally Morrigan. I can't assure you I'll be pleasant, but if you have any questions I'll try to answer them." Nesta intercepted, before Cassian could make the situation he had already created with the blonde worse.

Rhysand had got up and stood next to his cousin, "Do you want me to drive you home?"

She shook her head and her eyes became shiny. For Cassian it was like receiving a punch in the chest.

Feyre took a deep breath, "Actually I think we should all go." she murmured, "It's been a heavy conversation and I've learned a lot tonight and I think I need a seven-day nap before I can even have a conversation about art again."

That joke got a light laugh out of the whole group.

"You don't need to come with me, I can go by myself." worried Mor, shaking her head when Elain got up and started to get dressed.

Feyre shook her head in turn, "I repeat, I think I'm going to faint and I really need a few moments alone to think about everything too."

Rhysand put his arm around her waist and squeezed her.

Cassian bid his brother goodnight, hugging him and thanking him from the bottom of his heart for coming and listening without creating too many problems.

As soon as everyone was out of the apartment, Nesta burst into tears and Cassian said nothing as he held her to his chest, stroking her hair.

They hadn't gone into details and maybe they weren't on the same page yet, but they would have worked to get there.

It was a start.

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that-sweet-sweet-validation-blog · 7 years ago

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I don't really need validation but I need some advice if that's a Thing you do?? I feel so stupid and I don't even know what to do rn because I feel like I'm having some kind of dumb crisis and I'm just??? I'm 26 years old and I've been a cis woman my whole life and I have never once had a conscious issue with it but in the last few months I've sort of been questioning everything and it's intensified in the past week or so to the point where I've even been looking up boy names and binders 1/7

I'm just... so confused? I'm thinking about it and I don't really even hate my body and I align very strongly with certain feminine things like makeup and feminine fashion and the more I think about it I know I don't want to give those things up. I don't think I'm nonbinary, not as I understand it, but is it possible to be a very feminine trans boy? I honestly don't understand what's happening with me 2/7

Looking back I can pinpoint a few times in my life where I felt like things weren't exactly right like how I would get furious as a very young kid playing pretend and calling myself a king when my mom tried to correct me to call myself a queen, times when I only wore clothes from the men's department, a long period of time when I was uncomfortable with feminine pronouns, but nothing ever really sparked any kind of realization in me 3/7

This is very atypical isn't it? Surely I would have noticed something was wrong before this. Aren't most people younger when they figure this out? This is probably so stupid and you're going to be like 'what even is wrong with this person' and I'm sorry to bother you, I just don't really know who I can talk to about this :/ 4/7

(These two parts were hidden to protect the privacy of the anon.)

I'm so sorry for ranting for so long at you, please don't feel obligated to acknowledge me, I'm just old and dumb and I have no idea what's happening. 7/7

My response starts here:

Hello my friend! I can see that you are going through some very difficult things right now. I first and foremost want to clearly and plainly say that there is nothing wrong with you. You aren’t dumb for sending an ask. You aren’t dumb for asking someone for help. You certainly aren’t dumb for questioning your gender identity. You aren’t dumb for questioning at your age, either. Take a deep breath, in and out. Try to remember to be gentle with yourself, my friend. You deserve as much compassion and kindness as every other struggling LGBT+ person I speak to. You deserve happiness, and it’s okay to be sad or confused. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You don’t have to have all the answers, and guess what? Nobody does. Sometimes you just don’t know, and you have to take time to figure things out. That’s okay. Take your time. Don’t rush yourself into anything or try to put yourself in a box. Don’t panic because you aren’t sure where you fit yet. The answers will come. Maybe it will take a while, but they will. Some people know in a week and others in a few years. Their one similarity, though, is that they all eventually know. You will know. You will understand. You will not always be this unsure of yourself. And goodness gracious, I promise your situation is not at all atypical. You, as surprising as this may seem, are a textbook trans stereotype. That can be soothing in a way, I’m sure. So, so many people start questioning and/or transitioning well into adulthood. Some people transition in their thirties. Some people start questioning in their sixties. These people aren’t alone, and they make up a fairly large portion of the LGBT+ community. Despite what you may think, you are anything but late to the party. It is never too late to question your gender identity. It is never too late to transition. People all develop at different rates and different points throughout their life. Some people only come to realize their gender identity at your age. That isn’t at all uncommon or stupid or unhealthy. There are undoubtedly plenty of people just like you. I am so incredibly glad that you were brave enough to send me this and ask for advice and assurance. That takes a lot of courage sometimes. I want you to know, before I even say anything else, that I’m here. I am always here for you if you ever need me. Anytime you need to talk about anything gender related. Anytime you need someone to help you with these kinds of issues. I’m here for your support anytime you need it, and there is no shame in accepting the help you are given. My heart broke when I read your asks because you sound a lot like I did when I was questioning. I remember vividly how scared I was to be abnormal, how terrified I was to be wrong. My biggest fear by far was that it really was a phase and I was faking being trans. Every trans person I know has admitted to having similar doubts. It is extremely common. Society pushes us to be nothing but cis and straight, so we have trouble recognizing when we aren’t. It took me a long time to figure out if I was really trans or not. Long story short: I was. I am very much a guy. Feminine as I am, and there are many ways in which I am feminine. Plenty of trans guys I know are like me, actually. My boyfriend, who is also a trans guy, loves makeup. My friend, who is a non-binary trans boy, loves the color pink. There is never any reason you’d have to give up those things, not even being trans. There can be feminine boys, so there can absolutely be feminine trans boys. Not only that, but it very well may be that you are a feminine trans boy. A lot of the feelings you’ve described would very much fall into the category of gender dysphoria. Most trans people have always had some dysphoria but didn’t recognize it until they came to understand their identity. For example, I would always refuse to wear dresses when I was little. I didn’t know this was dysphoria until I knew I was trans. Not only that, but every trans person experiences different dysphoria about different things. Some only are uncomfortable with certain things and fine with others. Some don’t even have dysphoria at all but are just more comfortable presenting as their true gender. There are trans guys who wear dresses and feel fine. Others could never do that without feeling very uncomfortable. Dysphoria, like all experiences, is different for everyone. I’m sorry that you feel so isolated and alone. I’ve been there. And really, who hasn’t? Everybody tends to think that they are the outcast, the defect, the one who is different or atypical or wrong. And the truth is that, well, they’re right. Everyone is incredibly, tremendously, entirely weird. There is no such thing as a normal case of transness because every trans person is different. There is no transgender rulebook. There are no guidelines. Being trans isn’t about being just like every other trans guy, it’s about how you feel and what would make you most comfortable. Now, as for the situation with your ex, I’m very sorry about that. Changes like these are hard enough on their own, so it can be very upsetting when something like this complicates the situation. Quite simply, there is nothing you can do to quell people’s assumptions but tell them the truth. Tell them that your transness has nothing to do with your ex. That is the honest truth, and whoever doesn’t believe that isn’t a very good person to be associating yourself with. I know how scary coming out may seem right now, but it’s probably best to entirely set that thought aside for now. Cross that bridge when you get to it. I never want to assume anything, but it doesn’t really seem like you’re in a good place to come out right now. I’d recommend that you perhaps focus more on yourself and accepting the changes in your feelings that are happening right now. Again, like I said, take your time. Rome wasn’t built in a day. I promise you will eventually feel better and this will become easier. I hope you find what you are looking for soon. Remember to be kind to yourself! Good luck, my friend.

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