#If it goes well I'll cry too
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I can't sleep, I'm nothing but a bundle of nerves. I'm presenting two of my three finals tomorrow. I worked so hard on this, I REALLY hope everything goes well.
#If it doesn't then I'll cry a lot#If it goes well I'll cry too#I really wanna get back to reading and writing to deal with my anxious feelings#Wish me success because I need it
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literally where is my next to normal movie. it's been fifteen years. who is keeping this from me.
#i would kill for a proshot obviously#but I DO think this would adapt well actually!!!#lauren feels things#next to normal#there was a time when my greatest dream was to play the daughter in the movie version of this show#i'm now too old#but I still want the movie to exist!!!#i also feel like i made this exact post on twitter - like - six years ago#which just goes to show!! we are overdue!!#i've been watching jack wolfe sing i'm alive over and over and over again#and I want him to play the son because LORD his clarity of tone and his runs#anyway top 10 broadway productions that my whole family sobbed at#others include:#hamilton#journey's end#sunday in the park with george (more of an astonished cry for most of us)#merrily we roll along#(I was the one sobbing the hardest I'll admit)
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i'm always thinking about this line
#ganon rambles#mcsm#mcsm petra#AGHHHHH AHHHHHH#i feel insane#bursted out laughing over 'you tend to push people away'#yasss feeding into her idea that people abandon her because there's something wrong with her 😋#yeah i'll make your mental illness worse#but anyways it makes sense#you meet her and she's completely alone as opposed to everyone else who already has their established friend groups#and also her line in episode 5 about getting used to having people who worry about her or whatever it was#and she is like a different person in the witherstorm arc lol.#well granted there was the death illness/amnesia but like.#my point... im always crazy about how she goes from closed off and cool abd lonely to like#...crying about her friends#like !!! ahahahahahahahahahaha#literally the most well written character in this stupid game and ashley johnson is such a good va too god#i'm supposed to be doing chores but i had to sit down and talk about petra. grown adult btw
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just so u guys know i haven't been this attached to someone (suna) since oikawa tooru which started like 4 years ago i kid u not
#might have to start doing self ship stuff too jk i could never i'd overthink actually posting any of that stuff way too hard#i hate to even say this BUT although the WORLD doesn't think we're comptaible i think we'd be just fine#like according to my research 🤓☝️ our only problem is aquariuses like to be independent while cancers need reassurance or something#well good thing#warning for family problems??#GOOD THING I WAS NEGLECTED AS A CHILD LMAOOO#i'll be fine i'm pretty independent too so we would be such a power couple#thank u for listening#ness' brainvomit <3#also in my heart i always thought he was a scorpio before the world decided to crush me#and whatever i say goes#if i say suna and me are compatible who r u to tell me i'm wrong#don't test me i'll cry#not bc of u i'll think about wdo bc it's the only thing that can make me cry but i'll blame it on u
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#another day another vent post#i really shouldn't keep doing this honestly. it doesn't solve anything i think#but i feel I've been too trauma-dumpy in the places i usually go and my dm restrictions mean my options are limited#so.... tumblr it goes i guess#helps that the problem tonight is feeling completely numb and apathetic.#isolating myself because i don't give a shit whether i live or die#and honestly can't really make myself feel..... like any of it matters#is it my meds doing this? who knows.....#any number of things could have caused this#i just. don't give a fuck enough to think about what#i have therapy on Thursday. I'm hopeful it'll help#well. normally I'm hopeful. I'll pretend i am now too.#start actually doing something about whatever is wrong with me.#sigh...#...i don't know if this is a cry for help or not...? i guess I'll slap in the same 'one-time free pass' to dm me on discord again#i can't really picture myself replying and i have no idea what would help. nothing feels like it would. and i may honesty to god just#fall asleep instead.#sorry to keep doing this shit#one day it'll be better#maybe.#Hopefully.
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i realized how much it scares me that my mind will convince itself of even the ugliest things if i start thinking them often enough and it's... yeah. like i had a good session with my psychiatric rehabilitation therapist i think it was very useful but then at the end i got hit by this feeling of fear... like i'm so scared of myself and how low i can get
#like i convinced myself the only way to deal with my pain and my problems was to attempt suicide so people would know i was suffering#bc i wasn't able to tell them#and i really really for real believed it and i did exactly that and it's very scary to think my mind can get so twisted and believe these#distorted versions of reality or twisted ways to get what i need or all the negative things i think of myself#and like i guess this is just part of working on getting rid of these beliefs. that i'm realising just how deep in them i am and that it#scares me#but it's not a nice feeling. i'm really trying not to judge myself for it that's not useful. i'm still learning how to not judge myself#for every little thing but god it's hard i'm so used to thinking i'm too much or not enough or too emotional or too stupid or inadequate et#just every bad thing under the sun#but even trying my hardest to mantain like a non judgmental view of this issue... the fear is the hardest part rn#it's just... i don't even know who i am? and that's also something we're gonna work on and started to a little#but i don't know who i am and so i just believe abt myself whatever the situation leads me to believe. whatever my bpd leads me to believe#whatever others lead me to believe#and the last one especially is perhaps my biggest issue. i don't know myself and i don't like what “myself” currently is and i live for#other people i live to please others i do things so others will like me or at least not dislike me so i can hate myself less#and really that's no way to live. and this is something this therapist is making me realize and understand#but it's just seriously so.... scary all of this all of this realizing i'm just an empty vessel that i fill up depending on the person i'm#interacting with and that i am.. nothing. like not nothing but like nico is not a formed person. i have molded myself to other ppl's tastes#and needs and if i try to look beyond that there's just this void or at least this question mark#i don't think i have like no personality? but well i do have a personality disorder so that's fucked me up! and it's! aaaa!!#if i think about the things i have convinced myself of by sheer repeating thek to myself all the time in my dark moments...idk#and like it was manageable when the dark moments had reduced and i was relatively okay. but as soon as i got bad again... oh#it started being a constant bombardment of negative talk to myself abt myself and a constant telling myself#well pretty much that there is no worth to be found inside myself. so unless this pain somehow goes away by itself i'll kill myself#that was basically my train of thought every day multiple times a day for months and months#that is scary!!!!!!!! that is so!!!! i'm so#sorry this is a mess. i'm trying not to cry bc i'm at my parents' house and my father's around but. yeah. just lots of feelings#and again it's probably normal i mean talking about these things is good! but feelings are bound to arise and some are hard to deal with#suicide tw#sorry i forgot the tw in my being upset in the moment
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being mad at my parents for events long passed hours
#man my mom used to have my sisters help her pin me down so she could pop all the pimples on my face. bruh that fucking hurt. also.#worst thing you can do for those... i was having age-typical acne and i guess she just didn't like to look at it?? idk.#the acne itself didn't hurt but there was a lot of it so just like. you know how it does indeed hurt to pop those. well there were a lot#and she didn't stop even when i was crying and screaming bc she wasn't done??#and she did it to my back too and some of those grew on nerves and hurt even fucking more#and no she was not using properly sterilized equipment or even fresh washed hands thanks for asking <3 she acted entirely on impulse lol#i mean. i guess she knows its wrong **now** bc she hasn't tried anything similar with my baby sister....???#and shes starting to get acne like i used to have.#idk is that dramatic to be upset about. just imagine being pinched and pricked nonstop for like 2 hours. maybe it wasn't 2 hours.#but also physically restrained too like straight up sat on. is that fucked up.... thats not normal right???#and uh. a few years ago they held me still to shave my armpits with my dad's clippers bc mom is completely convinced#it isn’t possible to be hygenic as a 'woman' with pit hair or anything bc of Pheromones!!! and when i say goddamn fine#i'll just use men's hygiene stuff then she says that won't work bc Pheromones!!!!#like having a slightly different endocrine system makes ppl a different species or something#anyway. i cried just a little bit when they did that <3 gave me razor burn#and after my dad asked like 'is growing that hair out like. important to your identity or something' and.#well i dont know but that fucking hurt and you violated the choice that *eye* was making with *my* body#man i know mom still thinks she never physically abused me bc she didn't ever like. beat me up or anything but. thats abuse right??#she still thinks i was calling her abusive out of fucking nowhere.#sometimes she asks 'when was i ever abusive' and i give her an example and she goes 'well that was JUST BECAUSE--' and like. girl.#you think just bc you can justify it to yourself it wasn't abuse? every abuser can justify it to themselves....#talk tag#man i keep forgetting about how she used to physically restrain me to do her not-dermatologist approved extractions.#i guess it mostly didn't hurt that bad but like. the forcefullness and duration of it. lmao#anyway i found her a late mothers day gift today. its a hairstick with a dragonfly charm#abuse tw#sorry if that triggered anyone b4 i remembered to tag it
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praying and hoping and begging for things to get better or at least more tolerable soon because i dont know how many more physical symptoms of stress my body can take
#me when i get eczema when the only time i had eczema in the past was when i was about to kill myself lmao#things are Preddy Bad actually fjfkfkfl#theres so many things i have happening and i look them up and its like ''reduce stress :)'' THANKS I WISH I COULD#UNFORTUNATELY. I LIVE IN THIS WORLD. AND THINGS AREN'T GOING WELL.#i actually cant think abt this all anymore tonight or I'll end up crying and i rly dont want to deal w crying rn fhfkdl#but man. things were supposed to go in such a better way. im literally a failure rn#all my siblings are doing way better in life and have a shot at things#and im stuck in my parents basement alone and a loser burn-out#this is so fucked#i realized the reality of my situation at 3am lying awake unable to sleep last night#like. i am.... alone and stuck living in my parents basement. no career prospects because im useless and too exhausted all the time#thats so fucking lame and awful and Peak Failure in society's eyes#man!!!#so unbelievably bleak!!!#anyways i hope this eczema goes away bc wow i rly have not had this except once or twice when i was engaging in suicidal behaviour#i dont want to be doing that again 😭😭#WHATEVER. it is what it is. live fast die young or whatever#maybe tomorrow something good will happen#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#suicide tw
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i swear i just mentioned to my friend how i'd love to see more kpop groups come to nz for a concert, and ITZY JUST ANNOUNCED THEY'RE COMING HERE IN MARCH STFU
#・ .˳⁺⁎ 𓂃 ⌗ ⠀:⠀ rants.#i don't think i'm gonna get the vip tickets but i'll definitely get the one closest to the stage with a seat!#but i'm so excited for them!!#THAT MEANS if the concert goes well skz might come some day too I'M GONNA CRY PLS
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listening to Toto and realising I'll see them live again in five months 😭🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
#it's surprising that I'm this excited about it tbh#haven't listened to them much recently but when a song comes up on shuffle I still go insane 🥰#my tickets should arrive in the next few days and I can't wait lol#and this time I'm not scared!!! I hope that won't change but if it does. well I've got meds now so if everything goes horribly wrong I'll be#fine anyway :)#ugh I love joe so much still. like it's fine! and then there's his voice in a song and I want to cry :) and luke too but joe's worse lol#personal
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#if this presentation goes well im allowed to make a completely self-indulgent gifset#if it doesn't i'll be too busy crying lol
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people say they can't articulate the thoughts around their blorbos but i find it quite simple. for instance whenever i think about iris dot exe i just cry
#remember well exe side of chat. i talk and draw and write a lot for the RGB guys#but i have one. one favorite character in these damn games#i don't need to draw or write for her because there's nothing to extrapolate she's already perfect (jk ! i'll make her suffer in due time)#netto goes to a flower shop and starts crying too btw
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OC SPEECH MANNERISMS.
i was tagged by @indorilnerevarine @nuclearstorms @liurnia @morvaris and @swordcoasts thank you so much beloveds, ily!!!
tagging: i feel like this already made the rounds so i’m tagging whoever wants to do this <3
BASICS
NO. OF SPOKEN LANGUAGES >> 1 / 2 / 3+ (english, french, spanish, sign language + can understand a bit of italian since she can speak spanish)
TONE OF VOICE >> high / average / deep
ACCENT >> yes / no
DEMEANOR >> confident / shy / approachable / hostile / other (polite, stoic)
POSTURE >> slumped / straight / stiff / relaxed
HABITS
head tilting / swaying / fidgeting / stuttering / gesturing / arm crossing / strokes chin / er, um, or other interjections / plays with hair or clothing / hands at hips / inconsistent eye contact / maintains eye contact / frequent pausing / stands close / stands at a distance
COMPLEXITY
VOCABULARY >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚪️⚪️
EMOTION >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚫️⚪️
SENTENCE STRUCTURE >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚪️⚪️
PROFANITY
FREQUENCY >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚫️⚫️
CREATIVITY (in regards to profanity) >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚪️⚪️
BOLD THAT APPLY
arse / ass / asshole / bastard / bitch / bloody / bugger / bollocks / chicken shit / crap / cunt / dick / frick / fuck / horseshit / motherfucker / piss / prick / pussy / screw / shit / shitass / son of a bitch / twat / wanker
THIS OR THAT
straightforward or cryptic? / finding the right word or using the first word that comes to mind? / masculinity, neutrality, or femininity? / formalities or with abrasiveness? / praise or equivocation? / frankness or lies? / excessive or minimal hand gestures? / name-calling or magnanimity? / friendly or blunt?
IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
DO PEOPLE HAVE A HARD TIME HEARING OR UNDERSTANDING YOUR CHARACTER? almost always / frequently / rarely / never
DOES YOUR CHARACTER’S POINT COME ACROSS EASILY WHEN THEY SPEAK? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely / never
WOULD YOUR CHARACTER INITIATE CONVERSATIONS? almost always / frequently / sometimes / never
WOULD YOUR CHARACTER BE THE ONE TO END CONVERSATIONS? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely / never
WOULD YOUR CHARACTER USE ‘WHOM’ IN A SENTENCE? yes / no / only ironically
YOUR CHARACTER WANTS TO MAKE A COUNTERPOINT. WHAT WORD DO THEY USE? but / though / although / however / perhaps / maybe
HOW DOES YOUR CHARACTER END CONVERSATIONS? walk away / ask if that’s everything / say that’s everything / give a proper goodbye / tell their company they're done here / remain quiet / they don’t
WHAT SOCIAL CLASS WOULD OTHERS ASSUME YOUR CHARACTER BELONGS TO, HEARING THEM SPEAK? upper / middle / lower
IN WHAT WAYS DOES THE WAY YOUR CHARACTER SPEAK STAND OUT TO OTHERS? accent / vocabulary / tone / level / politeness / brusqueness / it doesn’t
BASICS
NO. OF SPOKEN LANGUAGES >> 1 / 2 / 3+ (italian as mother tongue, english + can understand spanish and even say a few lines)
TONE OF VOICE >> high / average / deep
ACCENT >> yes / no
DEMEANOR >> confident / shy / approachable / hostile / other (polite, stoic) + way too smug for his own good
POSTURE >> slumped / straight / stiff / relaxed
HABITS
head tilting / swaying / fidgeting / stuttering / gesturing / arm crossing / strokes chin / er, um, or other interjections / plays with hair or clothing / hands at hips / inconsistent eye contact / maintains eye contact / frequent pausing / stands close / stands at a distance
COMPLEXITY
VOCABULARY >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚫️⚪️
EMOTION >> ⚫️⚫️⚪️⚪️⚪️
SENTENCE STRUCTURE >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚪️⚪️
PROFANITY
FREQUENCY >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚫️⚪️
CREATIVITY (in regards to profanity) >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚫️⚫️
BOLD THAT APPLY
arse / ass / asshole / bastard / bitch / bloody / bugger / bollocks / chicken shit / crap / cunt / dick / frick / fuck / horseshit / motherfucker / piss / prick / pussy / screw / shit / shitass / son of a bitch / twat / wanker
THIS OR THAT
straightforward or cryptic? / finding the right word (just to say something wrong to piss off someone lmao) or using the first word that comes to mind? / masculinity, neutrality, or femininity? / formalities or with abrasiveness? / praise or equivocation? / frankness or lies? / excessive or minimal hand gestures? / name-calling or magnanimity? / friendly or blunt?
IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
DO PEOPLE HAVE A HARD TIME HEARING OR UNDERSTANDING YOUR CHARACTER? almost always / frequently (sometimes he expresses himself with italian sayings translated in english that...ofc don’t make much sense to anyone that doesn’t know about them) / rarely / never
DOES YOUR CHARACTER’S POINT COME ACROSS EASILY WHEN THEY SPEAK? almost always / frequently (but with same problem as above sometimes) / sometimes / rarely / never
WOULD YOUR CHARACTER INITIATE CONVERSATIONS? almost always / frequently / sometimes / never
WOULD YOUR CHARACTER BE THE ONE TO END CONVERSATIONS? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely / never
WOULD YOUR CHARACTER USE ‘WHOM’ IN A SENTENCE? yes / no / only ironically
YOUR CHARACTER WANTS TO MAKE A COUNTERPOINT. WHAT WORD DO THEY USE? but / though / although / however / perhaps / maybe
HOW DOES YOUR CHARACTER END CONVERSATIONS? walk away / ask if that’s everything / say that’s everything / give a proper goodbye / tell their company they're done here / remain quiet / they don’t
WHAT SOCIAL CLASS WOULD OTHERS ASSUME YOUR CHARACTER BELONGS TO, HEARING THEM SPEAK? upper / middle / lower
IN WHAT WAYS DOES THE WAY YOUR CHARACTER SPEAK STAND OUT TO OTHERS? accent / vocabulary / tone / level / politeness / brusqueness / it doesn’t + rudeness sometimes
#tag games#i remember doing smth like this for violante and moira once so now it's the besties turn <33#sorry i rambled a lot in tags so jfsjdk be ready#fenix's speech patterns are so important to me...making him speak and be incomprehensible is everything to me.#the thing about his vocabulary is that basically he doesn't show it but he has a wide knowledge + his vocabulary in italian is far more#impressive than in english but he knows. he just knows. about the emotion jfhsdjk i said this once but he can sound quite lethargic when#he speaks. to show he doesn't care + english doesn't let him go off on the emotion side + he can get quite lively on some occasions when#he's excited about smth. about his general bastardness: it's fenix. it's him u know how it is#for vesper: well in general it kind of depends she can be friendly but still look a bit hostile. she has a bit of a >:c face even when she#doesn't mean (i love her) and in general doesn't trust easily strangers so unless you're her friend already she will sound kind of..mean#but she speaks a lot from emotion. rage annoyance joy ecc ecc it shows. it just shows i love her madly you all can't imagine#and she swears a lot bc my beloved you are allowed to. if someone goes u shouldn't swear that much you're a woman she would simply kill them#also about the languages: spanish and italian sound very close so it's easy for them to catch on some words and phrases (as an italian: i#can understand some spanish fjkds) plus they teach each other words and things in those languages a lot <33 fenix hates french tho#and can't understand it for shit. he's not going to admit it but he finds it quite hot when ves speaks french :) me too king#i love making those kind of things because it shows me how similar these two are even if they feel so different idk how to explain myself#or maybe it's just each other's influence u know..this makes me sob and cry. lovers/friends influencing the other behaviour so they sound#and act like each other my beloved#I'LL SHUT UP NOW SORRY#oc: fenix#oc: vesper
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I absolutely love sibling relationships except whatever was going on with chunk and jimmy. they can die I guess. I hate it when middle-aged men are whiny and act victimized and can’t get over ~their big brother not being proud of them~ please fucking get it together, this is PATHETIC . I just realized I misspelled chuck but I will not be changing it because I like it better this way
#'get it together' goes for chuck too wtf was WRONG with him#I usually consider myself having more compassion for people in this situation but every time I see jimmy the alarms go off and I say to myse#oh I hate this dude so bad. I WLL not feel bad for him#jc gets more of a pass due to all the trauma and abuse and also being in a war as a teenager and even then im like. dude#you're 35. can you please act like an adult#(he can not. due to the trauma)#and he doesn't even know that therapy exists. what does jc do to cope except yell and cry to himself at night and misdirect blame huh#jc is also a clown man#pathetic clown man....#now that I think of it#well he does also kill and torture people maybe? I'll give jimmy that. never did any torture 👍#anyway. wwx and jyl the true yunmeng siblings. unsung dynamic fr#cor.txt
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Does anybody wanna grab me by the hair and smash my head into the wall and smash my head into the wall and smash my head into the wall and smash my head into the walland . I could use a little help hwre.
#sorry i just. i really have just been in an absolutely foul state. i don't even know when i'll fucking relax LMFAO#i'm seething. i'm dreading. i'm agonizing. i've laid myself bare. i've accepted my fate. i'm doubling down.#it's more than the banner LMFAO like. i'm mad that my med refill isn't ready even though i called for one#i think there's a shortage. but bad timing like. when refill day lands on a friday and you can't do anything about it til monday#if shit goes stupid. ran out today. i'm furious bc it's gonna fuck up my focus. i'm feeling the pressure#like too much time has passed. i really need to buckle down and do more sharena week things.#and. of all the fuckinh shit timing. well. tbh there is never a good time for it. it is always a horror when it happens.#but i will write and draw some of the most achingly tender sibling things and then.#some motherfucker comes home and crashes here for god knows how long and i just have to live w that.#and honestly. it makes. my process a lot more difficult. sometimes it's enough to make up unable to interact w my fixations completely.#one thing about me and the askr siblings is. all of my grief is stored in there.#grief that has nowhere to go. grief for things that were never meant for me. forever out of reach.#idk. like. realistically none of these things are really a big deal. except maybe the meds. that is upsetting.#but like i don't caaaare. i'm gonna scream and cry and bleed all over the place and writhe and throw up.
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God gives his hardest battles (living abroad from family and friends/long distance relationship with beloved) to his strongest soldiers (me, someone so addicted to physical touch. Unable to bite my sister, warm my feet under my moms butt, go squish into the one person couch that my dad is sitting so i can hug his tummy, hug my friend at night while talking about love spending the night in her house, listen to my friend complain about how dry my hands are while she takes the lotion and puts it on top of my hand herself, friend giving you a haircut, that victorious feeling when the friend that doesnt like physical touch gives you a hug, snuggling with best friend (now girlfriend) under the stars, holding hands and rubbing their legs and kissing girlfriend, feeling my cats purring on my chest and headbutts to my face. Life is cruel and i do not know how to continue without exploding)
#FUCK#im sick someone hug me ;-;#then i go around clinging on the tiniest physical touches from people i dont even know that well#at a social gathering. a girl holds my hand while talking.#i dont want to let go. holy fuck hand holding ;-; i love it so much#i dont even know her that much???#at work. overwhelmed. goes and headbutts coworkers bc i'll explode otherwise.#at work. coworker gives me her hand. we make eye contact. i hold the hand. she goes no i need the scanner. i give her the scanner on my#other hand in embarrassment.#girlfail moment#dont touch me i'll cry#bc it reminds me how your touch is not the same as my loved ones#hnnnnnnnnnnghh#but i am so deprived i'll take that too
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