#It’s all downhill from here… Literally have no idea what to get my family this year because they won’t TELL me.

[iero]

Officially started Christmas shopping today…

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Fight Night

ALRIGHT! Life is wilder and crazier than normal and I have finally had a singular moment to breathe so it is time to do my first scene breakdown of Only Friends. Jojo and co have been feeding me so well, a literal feast of good sex choreo, hand placements, and puppy dog eyes that it has been impossible for me to figure out where I want to start.  But the end of episode five was just so expertly executed I couldn’t not talk about it, the build up, the explosion, the cool down?! Zero people in this production came to play, they showed up on set day one, gave some of their best performances, and just went about their goddamn day. [insert thirty more minutes of showered praise here]. 

So let’s get in to it: 

The Calm Before the Storm

We’re going to start with Sand and Ray before shit goes downhill, at a moment of genuine connection. This is not the first time we have seen them connect. The first of their peaceful, friendlier interactions are paid for by Ray but Sand quickly moves towards free hang outs with Ray after he gets to know Ray a bit better. I think we can all agree that 95% of the time that Sand and Ray are spending with each other, Ray is asking to be serviced (either seeking out sex, or being fed, clothed, or protected by Sand) [and I do think it is pretty telling that Ray’s idea of friendship is being taken care of in every way, and that Sand fully calls that out as being the role of a father]. But the 5% they do have of these moments of getting to know each other, primarily center around their own family dynamics, but in Episode 5, Ray does start dipping his toes in to getting to know more about Sand’s own hopes and dreams.

Where before Ray wasn’t really interested in Sand’s backstory as much as Sand was interested in Ray’s, now on the balcony of Sand’s dingy apartment, Ray finally starts to ask Sand about himself. And Ray is locked in, just absolutely attentive to Sand as he is talking, rarely looking away, asking follow up questions, and making statements based off of what Sand is saying. Things seem to be flowing smoothly, Ray seems slightly sad that Sand doesn’t know his father, he has an actual smile on his face with he tells Sand that he thinks his mother is really cool, and that he respects her. And of course he would respect the relationship that Sand and his mother have, the obvious love they have for one another, because he never got that from his own family. 

Sand has asked about Ray’s family before now (they talked about Ray’s mother in Ep. 2) but when they were first starting to get to know eachother, Ray brushed off any further conversation around his mother’s death. But that willingness to be honest with Sand is beginning to shift. Ray sits there listening to a birth story that runs parallel to his own, a mother with an unexpected pregnancy after a hookup, a father that wasn’t really intending on having a child, and Ray is faced with what his life could have possibly looked like if his mother was a different person. 

And they’ve been hanging out all day, Ray has seen much more of Sand’s personal life, his family life, it’s Sand’s birthday, they are cross faded, and Sand asks Ray once again what happened to his mother, and Ray takes the opportunity to be honest. He watches Sand refill his glass, and he says “she drank herself to death”. 

Now, personally, this is a very important moment to me in terms of both understanding Ray better as a character, and getting Sand and Ray to connect to each other more. A really important thing to remember about substance use disorders is that they are aware of the health consequences of long term substance use. Ray knows his mother drank herself to death, Ray knows that alcohol in the quantities that he is consuming are dangerous, and he cannot stop drinking. Ray does not have any good coping mechanisms for when his life gets hard, (and we will see a much stronger example of that near the end of this scene), but in the build up to the blow out, we are taking some time to re-establish that Ray has a drinking problem. And we are gaining a bit of further insight in to the genetic history of Ray’s own mental health problems. 

I’d have to go back and rewatch all the episodes to be completely certain, but I think so far the only person we haven’t see call Ray a burden is Mew, Mew who knows that Ray tried to kill himself two years ago, Mew who remembers that Ray said if he was gone he wouldn’t be a burden anymore on his goodbye phone call. I mention his mostly because, if that is true, then that is an indication to me that Ray’s other friends don’t really know that much about him. They don’t know how deeply the idea that he is a burden to everyone around him is rooted in to his psyche. They probably don’t know anything about Ray’s relationship to his mother, after all, she died when he was still in high school. 

We know from the end of Episode 4, that Ray has shifted his interests from Mew to Sand. That is not to say that he is not still in love with Mew, or that he wouldn’t drop Sand as soon as possible if presented the opportunity to date Mew, at least from my perception. But what it does indicate to me, is that Ray is beginning to at least consider Sand someone that care about him, that will listen to him, that will be an emergency contact, and as such Ray is more willing to be upfront and honest about who he is as a person. How his mind works, what his place in his own family is, what his own connection to family is. 

Ray senses he is bringing the mood down, and makes a comment to change the subject, shutting down any potential deeper conversation or exposure to pity that he could have with Sand. We know Sand has been down bad for Ray since like…Dick Down 1, but he is really just embarrassingly obvious with his interest in Ray. The way his face goes slack jawed when he looks at Ray’s face for a second too long? Your cool guy persona is in the fucking gutter. ANYWAY, the point of this is that Sand and Ray are vibing, having a good time, connecting, Ray is opening up more, and Sand is falling deeper in to this infatuation at the first sign of Sad Boi Hours when we cut to Nick and Boston. 

Boston, who has had a genuinely peaceful day thus far. He got some work done for school, he and Nick clarified their relationship to one another, he made out in the pool, and he’s looking to reward Nick for changing by asking if he can stay over. We know that Boston has been blackmailed by someone, we know that as a result of that Boston has decided to “settle down” a bit as it were, spend more time with people who he can talk with afterwards. (If you ask me, this isn’t really what Boston wants, it’s just how he is trying to justify laying low with Nick, someone he thinks he has control over and someone I don’t think Boston suspects is capable of blackmail). 

It is Boston who suggests staying over (I am not going to dig too much further in to his choice to ask Nick, but I will just look respectfully towards the thought that he doesn’t want to be found). 

Anyway, Boston asks if he can stay over, and Nick smiles like he’s won something, and leads Boston inside, where they both promptly interrupt Sand and Ray. Boston’s face lights up when he sees Ray there, but not in any way that indicates that Boston is actually excited to see his friend. More so, that he has gotten +1 Information in his notes on Ray’s comings and goings. 

Boston sees Sand and Ray, and he is scheming already. The very first fact we learn about Boston in Only Friends is that he is The Hunter, and while we have primarily seen this in the way that he hunts-for-that-d, Boston is a hunter through and through, he doesn’t just aim and fire, he plays with his prey. He toys with Top and Nick’s emotions to try to manipulate them in to what he wants, and he sees Ray and Sand together here, and the douchebag gears begin to turn. 

But, Boston needs to know what these two are to each other first, so he can figure out his best approach to fucking with the two of them, so he asks:

“What’s with you and Sand?” 

“What? We’re just friends,” Ray says with a smile and a small laugh, like he is trying to brush off any attempt for Boston to think of Sand and him as anything more. Sand is of course, devastated (and it is at this point I would like to make a tangential remark about the brilliance of the cinematography in this entire scene because it frequently moves between blurry and clear, like the camera is having as difficult of a time focusing on any of the characters as the characters themselves are, since they are under the influence). 

Nick, having already interrupted the SandRay foreplay once today, tries to pull Boston along quickly, to give everyone in the apartment some motherfucking privacy, but no no, when it comes to every other person in the world besides himself, Boston does not do privacy. So he cockblocks himself and SandRay and suggests they all party instead. 

The Build Up

There is this moment of awkward tension, that Nick tries to break by saying that Boston is bothering Sand and Ray, but Sand, having just been reminded that Ray does not think of him as anything more than friends, agrees to all hang out together, thus shifting the mood between himself and Ray from sexual to casual. 

And Boston? 

Oh Boston has already won. 

Now, before I get further in to breaking down this episode, I just need to take a minute and just give a huge MASSIVE shout out to Neo motherfucking Trai. He has absolutely been destroying this role, he is clearly having such a good fucking time. But I don’t care about that part (I do but it’s not the relevant aspect here), I care about how much of Boston’s character, Boston’s internal monologue Neo reveals through Boston’s eyes. 

Boston has been watching how Ray and Sand interact with one another, he saw them make out, he saw Ray grab a cookie from Sand’s mouth with his own, and now, he is sitting here, with Nick pressed up against his chest watching Ray flirt with and cling to Sand. That boy has mischief in his eyes, that boy is a hunter and he smells fresh meat. Boston is The Drama, and while he’s in the middle of his own blackmail saga, he’s found new toys to pass the time until the dust settles. 

This is the face of a man who will cause problems on purpose. This is the face of a man who does not give two shits about upsetting the people in front of him. Boston is a miserable, manipulative piece of shit, and he will drag everyone down to his level. 

I am showering praise in Neo’s general direction, anyway, Boston is studying Ray and Sand’s interactions, the way they talk with one another, all the little things that point towards there being some genuine feelings. 

“The cookie’s getting to me”

“I told you to hold back”

“Well, it’s a good thing I’m not driving” 

“Can I stay over?”

“More often than this I’m going to start making you pay rent”

“Go ahead”

They aren’t talking like this is a one time thing, they aren’t talking like they are just fuck buddies. The way that Ray and Sand are slightly bickering/scolding each other, the way that Ray just so absentmindedly reaches to put his arm around Sand, it reads a very particular way. Especially when you add on the fact that Nick interrupted them in the kitchen that morning. 

Now, something happens here that could have been good. If Boston was a good person, if Boston actually cared about his friends, if Boston wasn’t such a fucking Masshole. Because Sand has been very obviously dopey and doe eyed for Ray for ages and the lines between lust and love have been blurring heavily for him. But when they started fucking, Ray and Sand both discussed and established the nature of their relationship. Only friends. No love, only sex. Friendship can come from sex. Sand wouldn’t take someone like Ray as his boyfriend (liar). But things have changed since their first hook up, at least for Sand. Sand is catching feelings and Sand has not talked with Ray about how his feelings are shifting. 

And Nick actually opens up the potential for Sand and Ray to have that conversation when he asks “Are you and Ray going out?” 

See, Nick is definitely nasty4nasty when it comes to his desire to be with Boston, and Nick is by no means whatsoever a pure person, the man bugged Boston’s car and kept the recording for fuck’s sake, but he is also not an asshole the way that Boston is an asshole. Nick isn’t asking Sand if he and Ray are going out because he wants to fuck with them, he’s asking because he is genuinely curious, because this ain’t the first time that he’s walked in on them.

But don’t pay attention to Mark Pakin’s body language here, because Nick is obviously drunk, relaxed, content, and curious. Look at Neo. Look at Boston. Look at the way Boston is looking at Nick when Nick asks if they are going out:

And look at the way Boston turns his gaze upon Sand and Ray the second Nick finishes asking the question. Boston is picking apart every action, every expression, every movement between Sand and Ray. Boston is calculating. This is not a dude that is just turning to look at the next speaker in a conversation. He’s staring deep into their souls to figure out how they actually feel about each other so he can decide if one or both of them cares enough about each other to be hurt by him.

So naturally, the next shot we get is Ray drunkenly cozying up to Sand, resting his head on Sand’s shoulder, in a way that feels very couple-y, in a way that feels different to the casual arm Boston throws over Nick like he’s got his prize on a leash. 

“You two talk all lovey-dovey like you are a thing, you know?”

Consider the fact that the second that Nick starts saying “you two talk all lovey-dovey, you know?” Ray peels himself off Sand’s shoulder and stares at Nick. And he’s smiling casually, like he finds the question funny, though he doesn’t fully break physical contact with Sand, still resting his arm across Sand’s shoulders. 

Sand is taken aback for a second, like he’s been caught, but he knows that he is not supposed to be falling for Ray. He knows he isn’t supposed to be wanting a relationship with Ray. He knows that this is not the time or space for a “what are we?” conversation, so he puts on a smile and squeezes Ray’s cheeks and says: 

“Look at his face. Look how squishy he looks. He looks just like a dog my mother has.” (Which we can interpret as Sand saying look at him, we cuddle cause he’s cute, I think of him like a pet). Associating Ray with his mother’s dog for me, feels like a way for Sand to try to get Boston off his back, to put his feelings in alignment with how Boston typically views his hook ups, as pets, as toys, as prey. But Sand’s face betrays him more than Boston’s ever could the very second that Ray says “I’m not a dog and I’m not his boyfriend” 

Sand has a moment of quiet devastation hearing that, even though he SHOULD KNOW BETTER. He should not be so upset about an objectively true statement. Sand may think of Ray as special, and may want to date Ray, and may want Ray to be his boyfriend, but they have never revisited their initial conversation about the nature of their relationship. As far as Ray knows, Sand would never take someone like him to be his boyfriend. Sand is just getting caught up in his feelings and this brief reprieve from the hard and labrous and exhausting life he leads is clouding his judgment.   

And Boston goes in for the kill 

“Ray, I bet Sand likes you. I can tell.”

And here is the question of the hour, a question I personally do not believe we have the full answer to, why the fuck is Boston targeting Sand? (beyond the fact he finds it fun). Boston and Sand clearly know each other, Boston knows Sand well enough to know that the weed he is smoking is not his typical supply. Boston came in to Sand’s home, smoked Sand’s weed, and then went straight for Sand’s throat. 

And Sand is a little mad and more than a little anxious. The way First plays the emotions in this moment is brilliant, you can see all these little moments of Sand feeling put on the spot, the way his mouth moves like he is trying (and failing) to maintain his composure. Like he is looking for an escape route, but can’t find one. Especially because Boston will not let him escape, explicitly calling Sand in to the conversation:

The Blow Up

“So what is it, Sand? Do you like him? My buddy here has both the looks and the dough. His type is hard to come by, you know?”

Sand tries to dodge, by putting on his logical person hat for the first time in what is most likely weeks. “Now that you said that” he starts with Ray literally moving his hand to brush it gently against Sand’s shoulders. “My answer has to be yes now, doesn’t it? But if you really want to know the answer, ask me again when I am sober” 

Sand is willing to let Boston win this, to concede here, to admit to liking Ray as if forced to agree expressly because Boston is poking at him about it. But he will not engage in an important conversation like the one Boston is setting up for him and Ray about what they are to each other when they are under the influence and when they are in public. 

Nick is like “alright”, but that is not enough for Boston. (SERIOUSLY LOOK AT NEO, LOOK AT HOW MUCH FUCKING DISATISFACTION IS BEHIND THOSE GODDAMN EYES! Jojo and Ninew fucking thank you for giving me Neo in this role, he’s been craving complex roles since his time on The Eclipse and I’m glad he’s getting to have some). 

Boston is watching, waiting, wanting to see how Ray reacts to Boston speaking for Sand. Unfortunately for everyone, but Boston especially, Ray does not have the reaction I think Boston is expecting. Instead of Ray getting uncomfortable, instead of Ray pushing himself away from Sand, instead of Ray doubling down on him and Sand not being boyfriends, instead of Ray reacting negatively to the idea that this “not his type” poor boy might actually like him he leans in close, he smiles wide, he teases Sand a little in a way that does not feel cruel. 

So Boston has to escalate. Boston has been stalking his prey in the grass for as long as he has been in this apartment, and now it is time to strike. 

“Even if you really do like Ray, I doubt it will work out between the two of you. Ray’s whole ass is owned by Mew” 

BOOM. Instant kill. Boston just made this entire encounter go from 0 to 100. Especially because (as far as we know), he has no goddamn idea about the dent in Ray’s relationship to Mew, and his realization about how Ray and Mew’s feelings are never going to align. 

Ray did not spend all that time sitting in the bathtub staring at a keychain and a Poor Boy shirt for nothing. Personally, I am uncertain where Ray stands with Sand, I think Ray is probably chasing the endorphins of a good and easy lay. I think he is drawn to Sand’s inherent need to act as a caretaker. But as I’ve said before, Ray uses Sand far more as a service provider than he does a person he wants to make genuine connections with, only recently has he started to open up more and seem more interested in Sand as a person.

But Boston is poking at an extremely sore spot. A spot I don’t think Boston considers as a nuclear option, because I don’t know that Boston is aware that Ray tried to kill himself. I don’t think Boston knows that Mew came and saved his life. I don’t think Boston is truly aware of just how deeply important to Ray Mew is because he seems to be one of the first people to make Ray feel less alone. 

Immediate anger. Boston has struck a nerve, gotten a bullseye. If he actually cared at all for his “friends” and their feelings he could have stopped there. Boston is a voyeur, a photographer, all he does all the time is watch, record, manipulate bodies. He can read people well, but he is cocky and overconfident about his own understanding of the situations that have occurred between people in his social circle. If Boston cared, he would see that Ray just turned on a dime, that the loose, casual, fuzzy, flirty person that was just wrapped around Sand has turned in to a tense, focused ball of rage. ““What the hell are you saying, Ton?” 

“What? Sand doesn’t know you’ve been in love with your best friend for years? But Mew is with Top now. Someone beat you to it, man.” 

So…my Dad has this habit of saying shitty things, and over the years we have made safewords with him to tell him when he is approaching saying something out of pocket and he should change the subject (“pothole”), and for when he has said something out of pocket and should probably stop talking immediately (“sinkhole”). My father consistently blows right through “sinkhole” and continues to dig his hole deeper. Boston reminds me of my father. 

Pothole: “Ray’s whole ass is owned by Mew” 

Pothole: “Mew is with Top now. Someone beat you to it, man”  

I honestly don’t feel like I need to use too much space here on Sand’s reaction, because I read a really good post by @bird-inacage about how this revelation hits Sand hard because he may feel stripped of his dignity and see himself as a fool. 

“What a shame for my pal” 

Shout out to Jojo and co for this shot of Nick. Nick who looks horrified. Nick, who I don’t think has seen this behavior of Boston’s up close. I mean, he knows that Boston has something on Ray and Mew, he didn’t really seem to care at that point. But Nick doesn’t really know Mew, Nick only cares about Top insofar as he is competition for Boston’s attention, he’s not really friends with Ray. But he is friends with Sand. And the implications from the beginning of the episode that Ray has stayed over and hung out with Sand all day multiple times, feels like Nick is at least starting to develop some modicum of care/friendship with Ray. And Nick is sitting there, watching Boston be cruel. Cruel to people that Nick actually cares about. Cruel to people that Nick doesn’t think deserve it, and the wheels are turning, so there isn’t much more he can do about it. 

“Oh wait. My bad. I remember you and Mew making out. Did you take his virginity?” (Sinkhole. Boston should probably shut his goddamn little whore mouth at this point)

“Ton, what the shit are you going on about?” Ray asks, shooting up from the ground and in to a standing position [and lord almighty is Khaotung just a powerhouse actor between the way he is able to physically embody Ray’s anger, and just look and act drunk all the time). This has turned in to a fight, Boston has riled Ray up, Boston has already punished both Ray and Sand at this point. But he has to make everyone around him as miserable as humanly possible in as little time as he can, so: 

“Oh? I saw everything. I took some photos, actually.” (SINKHOLE. No seriously dude you need to shut the fuck up right now). 

“What the hell did you do that for, bastard?” Ray is shifting his weight, Khaotung’s breathing has changed. You can fucking tell Ray’s heart is racing, that a blind rage is seeping in to his bones. Ray is livid.

“What? I just want to keep track of my best friends’ romantic moments. Was I wrong?”

 

(Spoiler alert to those reading this post for the body language breakdown: Boston does not actually give a single flying fuck if he is wrong)

“Keep track?” 

And finally someone punches Boston straight in the mouth! And even still! EVEN STILL Boston cannot shut the fuck up. Boston is righteous in the worst possible way. Boston is hurting everyone around him for the sake of “honesty”, “clarity”, “visibility” in a way that Boston himself in his own life actively avoids. With Nick he keeps their relationship status unclear, with Nick he refuses to get photographed, with Nick he hides the fact that he hooked up with Top. But Boston will air everyone else’s dirty laundry, Boston will record and photograph everyone else’s private moments, Boston will give facts as best as he knows them when literally anyone else is involved:

“Sand has every right to know. Ray is in love with Mew. They even screwed! But good thing you came along, Sand. He needs to get over Mew”  

“What does it have to do with you?” Ray is still fucking pissed, and this is a really important and relevant question to ask. Boston has no place in Ray and Mew’s private business. Boston has no right to record them without their permission. Boston has no right to have this conversation about Ray’s feelings with Sand. And Boston does not answer this question. He will not answer this question, because for Boston everyone else’s business is his, and his business is no one’s. 

Now, do I think Boston is lying about Ray and Mew having sex? No. I think there are actually a number of layers to that statement. I think we are either a) setting up to have a killer conversation about people’s perceptions of sex/people’s perceptions of what counts as sex or b) that Boston fully thinks he saw Ray and Mew do something sexual when they actually didn’t [think Ray throwing up while doubling over Mew so it looks like he’s giving head]. And it is worth noting that Ray doesn’t deny the statement, although this doesn’t necessarily mean anything because there are lots of words and fists and vitriol being thrown around at this point, confirming or denying any sexual relationship with Mew is not really going to do anything to calm this situation. 

“If you’re not in love with him anymore, then why did you get so mad?” Boston asks, and I love that this is phrased as a gotcha! moment. Boston thinks asking why someone got mad enough to punch him in the face after he said he was keeping track of his friends' romantic lives by holding on to pictures he had taken of them in secret is definitive proof that he is correct. Ray got real mad about Boston’s doucheness, and that must mean that Ray is love with Mew. 

And he isn’t totally wrong. We know that Ray is in love with Mew, we know part of why Ray is in love with Mew. We know that Sand is now filling a similar role in Ray’s life as the only person who is willing to take care of him. But this question for me highlights a huge aspect of Boston’s character that I do not think we appreciate enough. 

Boston does not know everything, and he acts like he does. 

Ray is getting so mad at Boston because what Boston is saying is true AND Ray is getting so mad at Boston because Ray almost compromised his relationship with Mew by kissing him when he was sleeping. Ray is in a weird place right now in relation to how he sees Mew and how Mew sees him. At the moment, Mew is patient, kind, and forgiving, and willing to maintain their friendship and accept Ray’s apology as long as Ray can get it through his head that Mew is never going to see him as a potential romantic partner. If Ray cannot do that, Ray loses a very important person in his life. (And we see Mew punch Ray in the promo for next week, my hunch is that Nick tells Ray about Boston and Top and Ray tries to warn Mew about Top and Mew takes that as Ray lying to break them up, but that’s beside the point). 

Boston may be correct that Ray is in love with Mew, but Boston has no idea what the fuck he is talking about when it comes to Ray’s current relationship to Mew. Boston does not know that Mew and Ray are in a rocky relationship right now because of Ray’s feelings. Boston thinks that he is right that Ray is in love with Mew because Ray gets so mad so quick, because he does not understand that a huge part of what is riling Ray up is that Boston is poking at a deep injury he thinks is just a flesh wound. 

And still after Boston has gotten a fist to his face, and swung back; even after he has shoved Nick out of the way so hard Nick fell on to the couch; even after they had blown off some steam and were de-escalating to the point of screaming at each other rather than beating eachother up. Boston 

Still 

Can 

NOT 

Quit

“Oh, are you going to be two-timing?”

Boston is literally just…going in to a house that is not his and lobbing grenades all over the place cause he’s fucking bored. Cause he sets Ray off again, leaving Sand, screaming at Boston and Ray to stop fighting (IN HIS OWN FUCKING HOUSE, AFTER SHARING HIS OWN FUCKING WEED). 

Boston listens to Sand, Boston walks away, Boston goes to Nick’s room. But the look in his eye? 

He is not done with this. Boston is not surprised that Ray got mad, Boston was reveling in Ray’s reaction, but I think Ray’s rage went beyond what Boston had anticipated, and this feels to me like an act of war. 

The Cool Down

Boston and Nick remove themselves from the scene and Ray and all his infinitely perfected coping skills rushes to chug as much alcohol as he can. 

Again, thank you to Jojo and co for spending this amount of time highlighting Ray’s addiction, reminding us that Ray is not just a party boy, but is an alcoholic. Ray’s using alcohol to calm his nerves, possibly to forget what happened, and definitely because he has no idea what else to do but run to the most comforting item he can. 

We cut to the silence of Sand’s bedroom. Sand and Ray laying awkwardly side by side. Ray, to his credit, does try to comfort Sand 

“Hey, don’t listen to what Boston said. If there’s something you want to know, ask me” 

The problem is, while Boston does not have the full context for the depth at which he has just hurt Ray, he is still right. Ray loves Mew, and if Ray didn’t, he would not have gotten mad the way he did. Ray can say whatever he wants here, Ray can ask to be trusted by Sand to tell him what he wants to know. But Sand has seen enough of Ray’s behavior, been jerked around enough by Boston, heard too many times in too short a period that Ray does not consider them anything more than friends, and so Sand is back to boundaries and barriers. 

Sand lost sight of himself, and he fell too quickly for a deeply broken boy that he cannot fix, and who is not emotionally available enough to be a good fit for him right now. 

And God, for as much as Sand exists to be jerked around by the narrative and shit on and used by the wealthier characters, I see why First was picked to play this role (besides the fact that there is no one else but Khao that I think could have done Ray, and it’s hard to kick the GMMTV pair-ups.) We have not even gotten to the height of First Crying Over Problems That Are Partially His Character’s Fault in this show yet, but First is a master at microexpressions, and despite the fact that his face is pretty neutral, that Sand has put on this mask, there is just such a palpable disappointment radiating off of Sand. The shine in his eyes is dulled, I saw someone on tumblr say this really looks like the first time that Sand has seen Ray, looked at him without the rose-colored glasses. 

Sand’s mother loves him, I think he is special to her, but it is hard to feel special to someone you have to take care of. In the montage at the beginning of the episode, Sand is shown working, working, working, working and we don’t really see him interacting with other people who he isn’t providing a service to. He sings at the bar, he seems to enjoy that, he seems to have a good time with Yo and Atom, but he is only that close to them because they pay him to play there. He is providing them a service. The only classmates he is shown interacting with are clients he is selling plum wine to. It’s really possible that Sand’s only friend is Nick, and we don’t see them hanging out that much. 

And, I know there is always some contention about how any and all of these characters feel, how much or how little they are telling the truth, etc. But for me personally, I think about when Ray said that he does care about Sand’s feelings, and I at the time he said it, I don’t think he did, but I think by Episode 5 he is starting to genuinely care. 

Ray is getting better at reading Sand, Ray is trying to have a serious conversation, or at least to open the floor to one, and Sand is sad and so he isn’t saying anything, and Ray is able to tell that something is wrong. Ray wants Sand to talk to him, Ray says Sand’s name multiple times, trying to get him to answer verbally. 

And Sand can’t do it, not if he is looking at Ray, not if he has to actually face the reality of how much of a fool he has been, to fall this deep, to fall this fast, to get it in his head that he and Ray were becoming something more than friends. To actually believe for even a second that someone could think he was special. 

So he closes his eyes, and he takes a deep breath, and he says: 

“Forget it. I’m tired. One more thing…This has nothing to do with me.” 

Who is he talking to here, Ray or himself? 

Sand’s inhale in this moment is deep, it’s weary, unsteady, and sad. Sand is gathering the strength to let go of what he thought he had. He is rebuilding his walls, and placing Ray on the other side of them. He cuts Ray out completely the second he turns his back. And you can just see the guilt all over Ray’s face, you can see all these little bursts of realization moment after moment where Ray realizes that he’s losing Sand now too. Even though Sand is likely more of a consolation prize to him, an easy victim of his puppy dog eyes. 

Alone o’clock is not just for Sand, it’s for Ray too. Boston has won yet again because Boston is a miserable sack of shit lashing out because Mew and Top finally fucked and he has to make it everyone’s problem

Tagging the ephemerality squad: @lurkingshan, @waitmyturtles, @chickenstrangers, @ranchthoughts, @twig-tea, @clara-maybe-ontheroad, @distant-screaming

and my blessed mess crew: @so-much-yet-to-learn, @ginnymoonbeam, @bengiyo, @shortpplfedup, @neuroticbookworm, @emotionallychargedtowel because I want attention :)

[doverstar]

Hey Doverstar. Fellow Christian here. :) What do you think about The Chosen? They just started releasing Season 4 eps in theaters this February in the United States. I really love this show. What about you? If you do...I think that would be groovy! If not...well. That would also be groovy too. ✌

Hi there! Woah, it's in theaters, that's crazy! Back in my day it was barely stream-able and we had to be in a specific person's living room to get it on the TV, how far we've come by matchbox twenty- I'm glad you asked, this will be long-ish!

I used to attend the church that the creator of the show had been attending at the time when we lived in IL (his name is Dallas, I think we had dinner with him? don't remember). That was before The Chosen was a thing. He had great ideas about what Christian media could be, but The Chosen in particular went downhill fast for me. I think it's an excellent show, but I also think that when you're using historical, real people in the content, you have to be very careful. Especially when it's biblical figures in history. Then you have to be insanely careful, and Dallas is not being as careful as one would hope. Because you don't want people who know nothing about Jesus to watch that show and have that expectation in their minds when they go to read the Bible. Jesus probably didn't talk like that, may not have looked like that, and may not have even smiled like that during His ministry here. But I've literally spoken with people who say things like if Jesus doesn't smile like Jonathan Roumie when they get to Heaven, "what's the point". That's dangerous. (And theologically the show is not sound.) I get taking creative liberties in order to make a television show more engaging for a modern audience, but not with the Bible. I get trying to make it easier to understand and follow for people who are just not brought up in the church and don't know the language. But I've decided for me, personally, not to continue watching The Chosen. For one thing, I don't want those actors/actresses in my head when I'm reading the Bible, and for another, I don't want to start being in a "fandom" for a show that's supposed to be portraying the events in the Bible. I don't want to start treating the Bible like it's fiction, like Peter's my blorbo (as the kids say), like it's just entertainment. It's not. It's real. It's all real, and I know me, and I know I have a tendency to over-romanticize the media I consume. I'm not going near that show with a 39-and-a-half foot pole anymore. It would be too easy to start thinking the wrong way about what I believe based on the way the show makes me feel. That, and I think the show is disrespectful and wrong. Great idea, good execution, went off the rails. And yeah, The Chosen is so good at making you feel things! I saw that first Season. I loved that first Season! Little ideas like having the Jesus-character laugh in bed while knowing exactly what the family of the lame man he cured is waking up to, literally able to see them rejoicing miles away? That's beautiful. When the Jesus-character cries with the woman at the well, and he tells her from now on it will all be about the heart, not about works? And she says "You promise?" And he cries and smiles and promises and she's so happy? That's beautiful. I cried too. And my favorite was the line when Mary says that before she met Jesus, "I was one way. And now I am completely different. And the thing that happened in between was Him." That's perfect. That's so good. That's what it's like, in three sentences. Excellent. Well done. Oh, and the music swelling at the end of each episode? Fantastic. Emotions everywhere. But like I said, I don't trust it. I got through about four episodes of Season 2 before I was like, okay, that's enough. This isn't good for me. Does that make sense? I could go into the discrepancies and how they often treat Jesus in the show as though He wasn't fully man and fully God (He was), and how they often make it seem like you can believe He was or He wasn't and it's all fine, when it's not all fine. But that would take a while! In a nutshell: I'm glad the creators had the right heart to start out with, and I'm pleased to see it proven that Christians can make excellent media, but not if it's like this, and I don't think the show should continue. If it does, I think they need to get their heads on straight and be super clear about the Truth, otherwise there's no point. I won't be watching it. Doesn't make you evil if you watch it! This is just what I think. Since you asked. Glad to hear from you! <3

[blackbirdnessie]

More Ninjago incorrect quotes Garmadon Family edition

*Lloyd texting Sensei Garmadon*

Lloyd: Come downstairs and talk to me please. I'm lonely.

Garmadon: Isn't you're mom there?

Lloyd: Yes but I like you more.

Young Misako : You get turned back into a baby but you retain all your skills and memory, what do you do?

Young Garmadon: Eat a nickel.

Young Misako : A reminder: You have retained all your skills and memories.

Young Wu: Eat a nickel.

Young Misako : Ok.

Lloyd: Okay, who's turn is it to give the pep talk?

Sensei Garmadon: It's Misako 's turn.

Misako : Don't die.

Sensei Garmadon, wiping a tear away: Truly inspirational.

Lloyd: what do you see in this woman???

Young Garmadon: Protip is you do not feel good about yourself after eating tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce.

Young Misako: What's wrong with you??

Young Garmadon: I literally JUST said I ate tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce?? Pay attention.

Young Wu: No, they mean other than that.

Young Garmadon: Ohhhhhh.

Young Garmadon: I haven't slept in 4 days.

OR like father like son

Lloyd: Protip is you do not feel good about yourself after eating tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce.

Sensei Garmadon: What's wrong with you??

Lloyd: I literally JUST said I ate tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce?? Pay attention.

Misako: No, they mean other than that.

Lloyd: Ohhhhhh.

Lloyd: I haven't slept in 4 days.

Lil Lloyd, texting Lord Garmadon: Dad! Help I'm being kidnapped!

Lord Garmadon: Where are you?

Lil Lloyd: I'm with some strange person. In a car. Help.

Lord Garmadon: I'll call Wu.

Wu, answering their cell: hello brother?

Lord Garmadon: Where's Lloyd? He texted me that he's were being kidnapped.

Wu: Whaddya mean, he's right next to me-

Wu:

Wu: I'll call you back. *Hangs up*

Wu: THE NEW HAIRCUT ISN'T THAT BAD!

Lil Lloyd: WHO ARE YOU!?

Lloyd: I have a bad feeling about this...

Emperor Garmadon: What do you mean?

Lloyd: Don't you ever get that little voice in your head that tells you if you're going to get into trouble?

Emperor Garmadon: No?

Wu: That actually explains so much.

Wu to lil Lloyd: First rule of battle, little one... don’t ever let them know where you are.

Lord Garmadon, shooting out of frame: WHOO-HOO! I’M RIGHT HERE! I’M RIGHT HERE! YOU WANT SOME O’ ME?! YEAH YOU DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH! Whoo-hoo!

Wu: 'Course, there’re other schools of thought.

Wu: We need a distraction.

Lord Garmadon, turning to the Ninja: one of you go to be good at jumping up and down and making weird noises right?

Lil Lloyd, whispering: My time has come.

Wu: Hold on! I’m having one of those things... a headache with pictures.

Lil Lloyd: What the fuck???

Lord Garmadon: They’re having an idea.

Emperor Garmadon: So... This is my full potential?

Harumi: Yes.

Emperor Garmadon: So, then it's...

Emperor Garmadon: All downhill from here.

Harumi: Like Lloyd.

Emperor Garmadon: I do not know what this Lloyd is. But it sounds disappointing.

Misako, excitedly: Heeyy!!

Sensei Garmadon: Hey, someone's excited.

Lloyd, deadpan: Yeah, and it's making me sick.

Lil Lloyd: *cooking*

Lord Garmadon: *kicks down door*

Lord Garmadon: *grabs knife from Lloyd's hand*

Lord Garmadon: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR?

Lil Lloyd:

Lil Lloyd: What???

Wu: he doesn't trust you with sharp objects because he's scared going to turn evil like him.

Lloyd, to Sensei Garmadon: You know, Mom can be really passive aggressive, so it's important to take all the necessary precautions when approaching.

Lloyd: *blows airhorn at Misako* GET FUCKED!

Young Garmadon: Onion rings are vegetable donuts.

Young Wu, used to Garmadon being dumb: Sure...

Young Garmadon: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.

Young Wu: Okay?

Young Garmadon: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake.

Young Wu:

Young Garmadon: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio-

Young Wu: Jesus, that one is a little-

Young Misako, interested: No, no, Garmadon, keep going.

Misako: Want to hear a hard riddle?

Garmadon: Sure.

Misako: A rooster laid an egg on a roof. Which way did it roll?

Garmadon: ...down?

Misako: N-

Lloyd: Who cares about which way it rolled, it would be scrambled eggs by then.

Misako:

Misako: No, it's that roosters don't lay eggs... In the name of the first spinjitzu Master...

Wu: So, what's it like living with Lloyd?

Sensei Garmadon: he once referred to sand as "heterosexual glitter."

Wu: ...

Sensei Garmadon: I love my son so much.

Lloyd: So what, now I’m just supposed to do everything that Wu does? What if they jump off a cliff?

Sensei Garmadon: If Wu were to jump off a cliff, they would have done their due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry. So yes, if you see Wu jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.

Lloyd: You jump off a cliff.

Sensei Garmadon: Gladly, provided Wu did first.

Garmadon: I bet you’re wondering why I gathered you here today. It’s because we need to have a discussion about how some people in this room aren’t getting along with other people in this room.

Lloyd: Why did you say that so vaguely? Mom and I are literally the only people you called in here.

Lloyd, texting group chat: What flavour of ice cream do you guys want? I’m at the store so be quick!

Garmadon: Moose Tracks is good!

Misako: What the fuck is that!?

Garmadon: *Gasp* How dare you insult moo-

Misako: No. No no not that. What the hell. Why do you spell flavor like flavour. It’s like you have flavor but then this guy shows up and is like “Oui Oui Would you like chocolate flaVOUR or vanilla flaVOUR.

Lloyd and Garmadon: what?

Misako: I don’t get it why add the EXTRA u when it’s PERFECTLY FINE AS IT IS!?

Lloyd: You done now?

Misako: Yeah ok.

Lloyd and Garmadon: ...

Misako: ...Can I have the Mint Chocolate chip flavour?

Garmadon: Remember! Curiosity killed the cat!

Lloyd: Yes, but you forget that satisfaction brought it back. So yes, Misako, go find out if that thing can catch fire!

Garmadon: You're a bad influence.

Lloyd: And you don't know your sayings.

Lloyd: In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

Misoko: Wasn’t you're dad with you?

Sensei Garmadon: In my defense, I was also left unsupervised.

Wu: Say no to drugs.

Emporer Garmadon: Say yes to drugs.

Lloyd: It doesn't matter if you say yes or no to drugs. If you're talking to drugs.. then you're on drugs.

Emperor Garmadon: All I did was kill Lloyd, is that really such a crime?

Misako:

Misako: Yes?!

Misako: HELP! I TOLD LLOYD I'D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN'T COOK!

Wu, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

Sensei Garmadon: If I were a drink, I'd be Cherry Vanilla Coke. If you were a drink, what would you be?

Lloyd: Bleach.

Wu: Sewage.

Sensei Garmadon: ...Please calm down, edgelords.

[chaosduckies]

Restoration (Chapter 8)

A bunch of scenes because why not? On another note, it is extremely hard to write a scene in winter when it’s the middle of April. I hope you enjoy anyhow! Because now I’m really getting into the plot.

Word Count: 5.9k

CW: Death, crying, vague thoughts of suicide, severe trauma, (anything else idk??)

8-Ryker

It was Thanksgiving break. The first official break from school until Christmas. Words could not describe how grateful I was for the week-long break. There was no reason to have so much work piled up a couple weeks before the end of first semester. 

I was laying in my bed on my phone. It was about to turn six, which meant I should probably get started on dinner, but I just couldn’t bring myself to climb out of bed. I was physically and mentally tired of keeping up with everyone and whatever plans they had with their friends, taking care of Isabelle and Angela since they were still little, and on top of that keep up with the chores around the house. 

I grabbed my phone off the charger, stretched out my arms and legs from laying down, and opened my door to get started on dinner. The living room was oddly quiet, with Dylan and Lucky playing a game. Isabelle playing a game with Angela on the carpet that consisted of a bunch of stuffed animals and blankets. I smiled to myself. 

“What do you guys feel like eating for dinner?” I leaned against the kitchen island, waiting for an answer. 

“Spaghetti!” Isabelle and Angela answered at the time, giggling at one another. I think I could do that. I don’t know if Lucky can though. It was the first weekend of the break and I’d probably need to go grocery shopping tomorrow anyways. 

I looked in Dylan’s direction, making them pause whatever they were playing together. He just shrugged his shoulders, “Whatever’s easier for you.” Always with the same response. 

“Ummm, I can go check what we have.” Lucky told me, getting Dylan to let him onto the floor. All I could do was wait now. Jasmine was staying over at her friends today and tomorrow. I just told her to text me if she goes anywhere far and if she needed anything. Weird, right? Usually the parent handles these kinds of things, but in the situation my siblings and I are in it’s literally impossible. 

Lucky came back, shaking his head, “We don’t have the things for spaghetti,” He laid down on the arm rest of the couch and grabbed his remote, “You should call Nathan to come over. He hasn’t been here in a while. Plus, he’s so much better at cooking than I am. Right, Angela?” 

“Yeah!” 

I bit the side of my cheek. I don’t know about that. Just asking Nathan to come over to cook and then ask him to leave? That was wrong. Plus, he told me before the break that he’ll be pretty busy. Or… texted me. Either way, I shouldn’t bother him. Maybe he actually has a meal with his family for Thanksgiving and they were all getting ready for it already. On the other hand, Lucky makes something else for him and Angela, Angela doesn’t eat, and then everything goes downhill from there. 

Looking at my phone, I picked it up, opening the messages app, and clicked on Nathan’s name. The last time he came here, Jasmine did kind of freak him out. I remember him not being able to leave anyone’s side if she was in the room. I wonder if he’d even want to come over after that. At school the next day he was a little nervous, but otherwise fine afterward, but I’m sure whatever Jasmine told him is still stuck in his mind. Ugh. This was such a bad idea. 

Ryker: I have a huge favor to ask you 

I waited for a response, watching Dylan and Lucky play a fighting game against one another. I had no idea who was winning, but I’m pretty sure it was Lucky. Actually… it was kind of weird how Lucky seemed to want Nathan around more often. Like, really weird. Especially when every time Nathan came, he would practically ditch him with me. I honestly don’t mind, I liked having Nathan come over, but still. I had wondered why, but I wasn’t going to ask. 

Nathan: Yeah?

Ryker: Do you mind coming over to help Lucky cook something? 

Ryker: You don’t have to 

Well, if he says no Lucky will have to make whatever he can and I’d have to break the news to Angela. If you didn’t know, four year olds can be a little hard to deal with sometimes. So, this might just turn out to be a very, very bad day. 

Nathan: Sure! 

Nathan: Anything specific?

I stared at his text, relief washing over me. Dylan let out a cheer from winning against Lucky. Wow. Perfect timing. I was just so grateful right now. Nathan was literally the greatest friend ever. Now I have to think of someway to thank him. That shouldn’t be too hard, right? 

Ryker: They wanted spaghetti

Ryker: And thank you  

Nathan: No problem :)

Ryker: I guess I’ll be at the bus stop in about twenty minutes? 

Nathan: Okay 

I stuffed my phone in my pocket, “Okay, I’ll be right back, just text me if something happens.” I told Dylan, who nodded his head. And with that, I walked out the door and into the cold air. 

———Nathan———

Winters in the city were bad. But not as bad as when we were still help captive. Now those days were terrible. Horrifying even. It was still freakishly cold here. Not something I enjoy. For several reasons really. One being that I already get cold really easily. Two, I just hated being cold and sick. And the most important reason being that it was during this kind of weather when my dad had died. Actually, in three days it’s officially been nine years since my dad died. November 24. A long time, right? 

It hurts. The memories. Not just of him but how they brutally murdered him in front of his own child. I shuddered at the sight pictured in my mind. Nope. Can’t think about that. Right now I should probably be getting ready to head over to the bus stop. I already had packed a tiny bag with the things I needed to cook. Weird enough, it was kind of a therapy for me at this point. To be cooking I mean. I guess that’s why my mom always gets worried when I’m baking for no reason. Because she knows. 

I sighed, giving my mom a quick text that I was heading over to Ryker’s for a little while. The last time I went, I thought everything was going great before Jasmine talked to me alone. everyone had left to go looking for something and it was just her and I. I was scared of course. We’ve never, ever talked before and from what I’ve gathered she’s really intimidating. 

Her exact words to me were: “If you hurt my brother in any way I will personally murder you.” and that was was it took for me to have an entire mental breakdown for nearly two weeks. I mean, who wouldn’t be scared if someone’s sibling threatened you like that? So, the week before the break, I might have been acting a little weird around Ryker, afraid that I might actually do something wrong or hurt him in any way, which I don’t really see how I could. 

Otherwise, I haven’t really been doing anything. I told Ryker that I would be busy during the break, but really I wasn’t. Only because I do actually have something to do on November 24, and I was already feeling the depression spikes as the day came closer and closer. As for Thanksgiving itself, my mom and I never do anything. Last year we were barely getting used to being in the mental hospital so we didn’t really do anything. This year she’s working so it’ll just be me. Nothing new. 

I made my way down the icy streets, the sun setting faster and faster. It was only getting colder, and I didn’t really have a winter jacket. Just some to wear in the classroom like when it’s freezing in there. So, yeah, I was basically freezing my face off. Not to mention that my mom told me it might snow later tonight since it was already under twenty degrees outside. I wasn’t used to cold weather. 

Once I made it to the bus stop, I snuggled up with my bag on the bench, trying to have some kind of warmth. Also because there were several people (giants) who were going back home from stores or getting off of work. The bus stop was actually used for both humans and giants. The human was a little ways from the huge one that was practically as tall as a skyscraper. Maybe taller. 

My hands were shaky from the cold, but it was only another five minutes before Ryker would come and hopefully I wouldn’t be as cold. Maybe. Hopefully. I don’t know what today has in store for me. All I knew was that I just wanted to wrap myself in a blanket with some hot chocolate and binge watch something on tv. 

Ryker came a few minutes later, smiling and giving a thanks before offering a hand. I threw the bag on first before struggling to get on. It was hard when the ground underneath you was starting to freeze over, but I figured it out after trying for a good minute. 

“You’re freezing.” Ryker told me, cupping his hand just a little. Sure, it was scary to have his fingers closer to me, but still, it was warm. How could I deny something that was practically calling me? 

  “That good?” He smiled, for some reason making sure I was comfortable. But I was not about to complain. I was desperate at this point. I nodded my head, bringing my knees closer to my chest to keep some of my body warmth with me. And yet another reason I hate winter. 

“Thanks again. Sorry for bothering you.” 

I continuously shook my head, hoping he would get the message that it was fine. Plus, I liked going over. Everyone was nice (Besides Jasmine I’m pretty sure she hates me) and never really tried to do anything too crazy with me. It was great. I’m not as afraid anymore, which was a miracle given I thought I could never trust anyone ever again, and I’ve actually made some friends. 

Ryker opened the door to his house, where we found them all watching a movie together. Everyone turned their heads as soon as the door closed behind Ryker. I jumped slightly, but relaxed after a while. Nothing to be afraid of. Dylan’s eyes landed on me, giving a smile and a two fingered wave. I waved back, but I doubt he could see it. 

I was set down on the ground, not entirely expecting to be in a tight hug the second I balanced myself. Lucky bursted out laughing, letting me go, “You are literally the best, Nathan.” I laughed with him, following Lucky into the room. 

——————

I didn’t eat anything. I wasn’t hungry. Of course Ryker tried to convince me to eat something, but I always answered no. Otherwise, dinner was okay. They had Lucky, Angela and I on the coffee table, which wasn’t really too big of a deal. I’m pretty sure Ryker and Dylan just didn’t want to handle any humans while they were eating, and hey, I was not about to say anything about it. There are just some things that will never leave my mind. 

After everyone ate, Dylan and Lucky started playing a game on the tv while Isabelle and Angela were playing hide and seek I’m pretty sure. I just hoped that no one would get hurt, but Ryker quickly reassured me that they would never harm one another. I just had to believe him. Most of his siblings are stuck together like glue. Which is a good thing. 

“It’s supposed to start snowing in a little bit.” Ryker announced, earning cheers from the other room where I was guessing Angela and Isabelle were. I was sitting on the arm rest of the couch by Ryker. I kind of wished that their house was a little warmer, because I was still annoyingly cold, but beggars can’t be choosers. I should have asked to grab a blanket. 

“Nice. Are we gonna go out?” Dylan asked, eyes glued to the screen. I had no idea who was winning, but I think it was him. 

“If you want to.” 

Ryker threw his phone on the other side of the couch, turning his head to the screen. I don’t want to go outside, but I’ll go if that makes things easier. I just don’t want to be in the snow. Reasons. Remember? 

It was about ten minutes later that it did actually start snowing. Angela and Isabelle were begging Ryker to let them outside, which he just laughed to and told them to get jackets on and to bring their hats. Dylan paused their game to go get on a jacket, and Ryker left to go help Isabelle. So I was alone in the living room while everyone was busy to go have some fun. I hated winter. In just three days. I reminded myself. 

What would happen? Would someone else be claimed victim? Something bad always happens during this time. I don’t know if it was just me. It probably was. Everyone else was smiling while I was crying in the corner. It’s how it was in the hospital. They all went outside if they could, and I stayed in my room, under the blankets and shove my face into my pillow to drown out my tears. I couldn’t do that now though. Not when so many people had their eyes on me. Not when a trip back to the hospital was a very viable option for me. I didn’t want to go back. Not because of something… traumatic that happened nine years ago. I should be over it, right? But I’m not. 

There goes one of my depression spells. Great. Just great. At a time like this? I sucked in a deep breath, calming myself down before anyone notices. This was embarrassing. 

Ryker came back into the room, eyes landing on me with an unsure look on his face. He walked up to me, holding a hand out. Was he not going to wear any gloves? He wouldn’t be cold? I stood up, keeping my balance on the soft surface underneath me and walking to climb onto his hand. 

“You don’t mind if I just keep you in my hand, right? I don’t want you to be freezing.” He asked. I shook my head, sitting down in the middle of his palm. That was actually what I preferred. I did not plan whatsoever to go into the snow anyways. 

Once everyone was outside, Ryker sat down on the stairs, cupping his hand and keeping me close. A little uneasy about it, but there was really no reason to be. It’s just instinct. And everything in me right now is saying to get the hell inside. But I wasn’t going to say that. Mostly because I don’t want to be alone.  

They were all screaming and laughing. It was snowing pretty hard too, already covering most of the frosted grass just after ten minutes. Other people were also sitting outside. Their kids playing around with the snow. I tried not to focus on that. Instead, I found myself scooting back slowly, almost to where I couldn’t see the heavy fall of the white flakes. 

My body was still freezing. It was so much colder than before. Was this how dad felt? The cold pricking at his skin I mean. 

“Nathan?” My thoughts were interrupted by a soft voice above me. I groaned, body shaking and stuffing my hands in my pockets to preserve some of my body heat. I shuddered a breath, trembling. It’s so cold… How could they even be having fun like this? I looked ahead, seeing Dylan helping Isabelle make a small snowman with both Angela and Lucky stuffed in his scarf. This was just another one of my depression spells. 

“Still cold?” Ryker asked me. I took a deep breath, “Y-Yeah…” It came out more like a quiet mumble, and I was surprised that he even heard me. Did he want to help them make a snowman? He probably did. I should just tell him to leave me inside. It would make things a million times easier for everyone. 

Ryker moved his hand a bit, making me worried about what he was trying to do, but he just kept it the same. I wondered why he was going through all this trouble just for me. There was really no point. There was only a couple more months until graduation and then we’d go our separate ways. That’s how it always goes. I’d be alone again, figuring out what to do with the rest of my life. That’s how my story goes. 

“Better?” 

I nodded my head, getting to a comfortable position and decided to just watch what they were all doing. Finishing up the head of the snowman. It was comfy even though I was kind of scared from being in someone’s hand. At least now that is. Currently I was just afraid of falling into the deep snow. I’m pretty sure if I fell I’d sink into it. Not something I would like to see or imagine. 

“You okay?” Ryker asked, softly smiling above me. There was no other response other than to nod. I couldn’t just say no. That wouldn’t do any good. But.. maybe if he notices that these next few days would be hard for me. Maybe. Just maybe. I doubt it though. I don’t plan on being here all of the time anyways. I couldn’t. 

Isabelle finished the snowman, grabbing some loose twigs for arms as they stepped back. It was still snowing, just not as much. Was dad watching me right now? Was he shocked just as much as I was? I never thought I’d ever be able to be around another giant for as long as I had lived, and here I am, sitting in one of their hands. Would he think I was crazy? Delusional? Psycho? Happy like my mom even? I would never know, but even I think I was crazy. 

Actually… why did I even trust Ryker? Or really anyone. They’re all so nice of course, but about four months ago I was so sure that every giant would only hurt me, and it almost became true with that lunch incident that felt like forever ago. So why did I trust these people with my life? In the back of my mind I keep thinking that this was all just a sick joke being played on me. But… I don’t think these people are lying about anything. They don’t have a reason to. And Ryker’s been nothing but patient, and kind, and… understanding. No one would go through all that trouble just to fool someone as gullible as me. 

I sighed, snuggling up closer to Ryker’s thumb and watching Isabelle throw snowballs at Dylan who was shielding Lucky and Angela from the crossfire. Was it scary being there? In the midst of everything? Having to trust someone at least fifty times your size to keep you safe? I sucked in a shaky breath, just watching. It wasn’t so bad really. 

———Ryker———

Today was November 24. Thanksgiving was here, and everything was a complete mess. I never learned how to make a turkey like the tradition, so usually I just made something that all of us had liked. Along with that, I had to make sure no one did anything too crazy while I was busy in the kitchen. Jasmine and Dylan were helping out cooking while I ordered something for Lucky and Angela. They both agreed on pizza (Because what else does a fourteen year-old and a four year-old want) so now I was busy with that. That part was mostly because Angela didn’t like when Lucky cooks something different. 

It was just pure chaos now. Everyone was running around the house, and at that point I had to ask Jasmine to keep an eye on Angela to make sure she didn’t wander off where we couldn’t find her. I wasn’t too worried about Lucky since he’s almost always with Dylan, plus he’s smart enough to stay off the floor when it’s something like this. 

I took out the lasagna, letting it cool down before making separate plates. Yeah, I know, super weird, but I can’t do anything better. I only know the basics thanks to my parents, and that was all I needed to know. 

There was a knock on the door, and I asked Dylan to open it. It was just the pizza. I washed whatever dishes I had and called everyone that dinner was ready. It’s days like this where I wished that my parents never left. I feel like I can never be like them even though I was the oldest. I mean, was I just supposed to let CPS split us all apart? I couldn’t do that. My siblings would never forgive me. I like to think that they’re all happy, but I doubt it. Sometimes I feel like I can’t do anything to help any of them. Like I’m doing this “parenting” thing all wrong. Of course I was. I was seventeen in my last year of high school taking care of five kids on my own while also juggling a job and trying to do fun things with them so we can forget about what happened a little over a year ago. There was no reason for one person to be doing all of this. 

It was snowing outside again. Not really surprising when you’ve lived here for your entire life. It was really nice though. I loved the cold. Weird, because most people don’t, but I do. I remember my parents freaking out when I would just be outside making a snowman in just a short sleeve and sweatpants when I was a kid. Of course it was so cold it burned, but I guess I kind of liked it? It was hard to explain. Or sometimes we’d stay inside and watch movies or play a game. I missed it really. 

“Ry.” Jasmine snapped her fingers in front of me to get my attention. I blinked a couple times before giving a clueless look. She groaned, “I asked if I could go shopping tomorrow, I have work the next three days so I just wanna go do something.”

“Oh, um, sure.” 

The tv was playing in the background, but I wasn’t paying attention. Come to think of it, I don’t think I was paying attention to anything. Dylan, Jasmine, and Lucky were all laughing about something. What were they laughing about again? Something about going back to school? I don’t even want to think about that right now. I needed a break anyways. Most of my classes love giving me piles and piles of work anyways. 

I sighed, pushing away my plate that I had barely eaten. The sun has already set, everyone was done eating, Angela asked Jasmine if she could go outside in the snow. She said yes, and so Isabelle followed. Dylan and Lucky were helping me wash the remaining dishes. Honestly I already felt so tired. It was only 8 p.m but my eyes threatened to close at any moment. 

“You okay, Ry?” Dylan asked, putting a plate up in the cabinet. 

“Yeah.” I replied, handing him another to dry. Lucky shook his head while continuously saying “no” over and over again. At some point Dylan grew tired of it and pressed the pad of his thumb into Lucky’s entire upper half of his body. 

“He’s not wrong. You’re always like this on holidays.” 

“I am?” I sighed, not really knowing how to get out of this one. These two have always been vigilant anyways. They would have noticed at some point. 

“Yeah.” 

“I don’t know. I just feel really tired today.”  

“That’s it?” 

“Mhm.” 

Dylan gave me a skeptical look before putting in another plate. He doesn’t believe me. I don’t think he ever will about these kinds of things. 

“Why don’t you call Nathan? You always seem happier around him.” 

I stopped only for a second, then continued to scrub off something on the pan I used. No. I won’t call him. Not this time. No matter how many times he’s actually made me feel better just by being here. I’ve noticed I was happier around him too, but it’s only short lived since he always goes back at the end of the day. Do I know why I was happier? Not really. I’ve thought of a few reasons. Because he’s the only friend I’ve made since middle school. He listens to me ramble on and on about the most useless information. Best of all he’s really nice. Doesn’t really seem like he’s tricking me either. Not that I think he could even if he wanted to. He was too sweet. 

“No.” I sighed. Cleaning out the sink and handing off the last dish. 

“Why not?” Dylan asked leaning against the counter. 

“Cause I’m tired. No point in calling if I’m just going to fall asleep,” I countered, drying my hands and heading to my room, “Make sure Isabelle and Angela are asleep by 10? Please?”  

Dylan nodded his head, I closed the door behind me and buried myself under the covers of my bed. I can’t keep on relying on Nathan to come fix every problem I have. He’s probably off dealing with whatever he’s doing right now anyways. But still, my hand reached for my phone, grabbing it and opening the messages app. I’m just gambling with myself at this point. If he answers in the next ten minutes I’ll ask to call, if he doesn’t, I’ll head to sleep. Either way it’s really a win-win. And here it goes. 

———Nathan———

I was laying on my bed, under the covers. No lights, no sounds, just nothing. I had cried earlier this morning when I visited his grave. My eyes were dry now. Red and puffy. I just sat curling in on myself while clutching the same teddy bear he gave me when I was still just a kid. It was childish, but if it’s all I have left of him then I’m taking advantage of that. 

Ironic, huh? How this holiday was supposed to bring family together. It was actually the opposite for me. Even though he didn’t actually die on this holiday, it’s just ironic how it happened this year. When we’re finally free and live like a “normal” family now. Was he watching me now? Sad and lonely in my bed? I hope he wasn’t. He’d scold me. 

My phone went off, but I didn’t feel like looking at it. It’s not like I wanted to be alone. Usually my mom would cheer me up by taking my mind off of it. Whether it was playing some makeshift game or just doing something I liked with me. What else was there to say? This year was the year I was completely alone. 

I sucked in a deep breath, picking up my phone with sore arms. I spent most of the day digging out the old flowers on his grave and replacing them with new ones. It was hard to do when a thin sheet of snow was covering most of the dirt and grass, but it was worth it to see the bright a beautiful colors. His favorites were lilacs. I remember mom telling me that. 

My eyes shot up when I saw who texted me. Ryker? I mean it was already night, so I doubt he was going to ask if I wanted to go over. But… I was kind of curious now. 

Ryker: Hey

Ryker: How was your day? 

Ryker: You’re probably doing something right now but I’d just thought I’d check what you were doing 

Sent five minutes ago. Why did he want to know what I was doing? It seemed weird to me, but maybe he was just bored. Did they celebrate? I hope they did. They seem to be happy with each other. 

Nathan: It was okay :) 

Nathan: And yours? 

Ryker: Chaotic

Nathan: Oh 

I wasn’t technically lying. My day was okay despite crying for most of it. 

Ryker: Yeahhh 

Ryker: Do you feel like calling? 

Ryker: You don’t have to of course 

I thought about it. It wouldn’t be that bad. Might keep my mind occupied.

  Nathan: Sure 

And so he called. 

“Hello?” His voice sounded tired and sad, like he just woke up or something. I couldn’t find my voice. It’s become rasp from sobbing anyways. It’d be embarrassing for it to sound like that over the phone. So hopefully it’ll get better in the morning. 

“Oh, right,” He sighed, “Sorry. I just felt like talking and usually you listen. You can just hang up if you don’t want to though.” He sounded nervous, but I didn’t want to hang up. Not only because it was the wrong thing to do, but because I always loved listening to what he was saying. No matter how irrelevant it was. It distracted my mind from everything wrong with me. And he seemed to like it when I did. 

Nathan: I’m listening 

I heard him let out a little chuckle before talking. I could hear at some points it sounded like he was going to cry, and some he sounded like he was so hurt, and sometimes he’d laugh. He changed the subject multiple times, but I kind of liked it. I just wished I could help in some other way. It sounded to me like he was stressed out and just wanted someone to be there, and I’m surprised none of his siblings were. Or maybe they were, but he just doesn’t want to put all of this on them. It seemed like something he would do. 

By the time he was done, it was an hour before midnight. Funny thing was, I wasn’t tired anymore. I was putting together pieces in my mind still about everything he had talked about. How he was mentally tired of juggling five things around at once. I would be too if I were him. How he’s been more and more exhausted by the end of the day. How his parents usually did all of these kinds of things. I was going to ask what happened to them, but I feel like that was a touchy subject. Especially when he just vented to me. I don’t mind though. Not at all. 

“Oh crap. Sorry for keeping you up.” Ryker apologized, saying sorry about five times before I texted him that it was okay. I wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon. 

“Thanks. Y’know. For listening.” I heard him yawn on the other side. He was the one tired. I silently laughed to myself, hugging the bear closer to my chest. If only he could see me now… this was embarrassing. He’d probably make fun of me for it. I wouldn’t care. 

“You’re too nice, you know that?” I heard shuffling on the other side of the phone. Probably Ryker getting ready to go to sleep. And I know this was selfish, but I didn’t want him to hang up. I didn’t want my mind to realize that I was alone again. Was is it really selfish then? To me, yes. It feels like I was making him do something he didn’t want to. 

“Hey, um, remember when you tried hugging me that one time? Why’d you do it?” He had asked, and I could practically see his face. Confused and happy at the same time. He was talking about when I had to stay overnight. I knew that would come up eventually, just not so soon. 

Nathan: Nobody’s ever been so nice to me before. Besides my mom of course 

Nathan: But I was kind of shocked you agreed without complaining 

Nathan: Are you mad about it?

“Mad? Nononono. Um, the complete opposite really,” He laughed quietly, “I was shocked, yeah, but happy too.” 

That gets rid of the guilt. I swear I thought I ruined everything between us, but now I know what he really thought. He wasn’t mad at me for anything. 

“What about the other day? When it was snowing. You looked comfortable. Like you were about to sleep.” My cheeks started blushing from embarrassment. I had hoped he didn’t see me snuggling closer into his palm to stay warm, but apparently he did. So embarrassing. I groaned quietly to myself, tightly hugging the bear closer. 

Nathan: Sorry 

Nathan: I was cold 

Nathan: You were warm 

Nathan: Sorry again 

It was silent for a second. 

“Why do you apologize for things like that?” 

I didn’t know the answer to that question. Usually my mind just takes over and then I spiral into the worst possible scenarios. So I have no idea why I do. Maybe because my brain thinks I’ll get hurt if I don’t? My body was scared of getting another broken bone or something getting hurt? 

Nathan: I don’t know 

It was silent again. 

“Do… do you like being around me? I-I mean most people stop talking to me as soon as they get what they want. So, I was just wondering.” His voice sounded hurt. Obviously this ha sharpened once or twice to him. And it hurt to hear that these things have happened to someone so amazing. I could never do that to Ryker. It’d hurt me more than it’d hurt him. 

“Y-yes.” I almost immediately replied, my voice a little raspy. It hurt to speak, but it was fine. It’ll get better in time. 

I heard him let out a sigh of relief, and I smiled. I was finally doing the right thing for once in my life. I’m kind of glad this was how the day ended. 

“I would give you a hug if you were here… and if you were comfortable enough with it,” We both laughed quietly, “I’ll let you go to sleep. I’ve kept you up long enough.” 

I shook my head, forgetting that he wasn’t here to see it. I didn’t want him to go. Then again he sounded exhausted. Then I would be the one keeping him up. Or he doesn’t even have to stay awake. Just the knowledge that I knew he was just on the other side of the phone was enough to make me feel like I wasn’t alone. 

“U-Um you d-don’t have to s-stay up b-but could we stay… stay on call? P-Please.” I waited for an answer, biting my tongue for stuttering so much. My body was shaky for no reason. I was nervous. He was going to say no. He was going to say no. He was going to- 

“I would love that.” 

I wish he could see the smile I had on my face. How fast my heart was beating. I laid down under the covers, getting comfortable and staring at my phone that read: Ryker: 3:14. Three hours and fourteen minutes. Another seven won’t hurt. 

“Thank you.” 

I fell asleep a couple minutes after he did. No nightmares haunted me tonight.

—————————————

My heart is meltinggggggg

By the way, this was not the great scene I was talking about. This was just one of many to make the one I actually want to write make sense.

Anywayssss I told you guys it would be a little plot heavy for a while! I loved how this chapter came out though.

Hope you enjoyed, and thank you for reading! Love you guys!

[dogflyreligion]

as much as i love saltburn (it's literally my favourite film) i just. am not a fan of the ending. not the dance scene but after felix dies it just goes downhill for me. i don't rlly like the delivery, and i'm not a fan of how it doesn't rlly fit in with the whole 'desire for felix' thing. to me it seems like half way through the writers decided to change ollie's motivations, as the first half he wants felix, but then the last half he wants the house and the power and the money. i wldve liked it a lot more if it was more of a love story, instead of focusing on class. i wld love to see how ollie is jealous of felix, as well as being in love with him, and still do all the fucked up stuff he does. but i don't like that he did it so he cld have saltburn. i think it shldve just stayed so that ollie has all these feelings for felix, and obviously he gets invited to saltburn, but not so that his goal is to get rid of the family and become the owner. i don't know what i wanted the ending to be rlly. i saw a post on here (i think) saying that it wld be interesting to see ollie kidnap felix, which i agree with somewhat. i'd still like it if he killed felix, something like from the poem 'My Last Duchess', which is referenced to in the film by ollie.

saying all this (which probably sounds a lot better in my head), everything else in the film is absolutely perfect. i wldnt change anything else. i love the cinematography, i love the colours, the overall aesthetic, the themes, i love the acting, i love the cast, the editing, the music, (most) of the story, and mainly the idea. but bc of how much i love this film, im willing to ignore the fact i'm not keen on the ending 😁😁😁😁

[yamchaisawesome]

What the fuck is Team Rocket’s position in the force? By Team Rocket here I specifically mean Meowth’s unit comprising of himself, Jessie, and James (yes he is their direct superior).

In their debut episode ‘Pokémon Emergency’ they seem to be elite mooks at the lowest. They’re actually very competent, taking over an entire Pokémon center in a major city by themselves, and Meowth is actually called Giovanni’s personal favourite. It’s even possible that their white outfits denote something like admin status in comparison to normal grunts.

After Pikachu takes them out the first time though, it’s all downhill. At first Giovanni assumes ash’s Pikachu is some kind of super Pokémon considering it defeated his top agents, and so sends team rocket on the mission to capture the darn rat. But then it just keeps happening. After a while he gets tired of it and decides to finally replace Meowth with a Persian as his personal lap Pokémon. By the end of the Indigo League Saga, even high ranking grunts like Butch and Cassidy seem to outrank them.

Odd thing is, they keep being sent on very high level missions. My favorite example of this is in the Unova Saga where they were literally sent there to set up a new branch of Team Rocket in the region. And for some bizarre reason up until recently they’ve still been chasing after Pikachu. Now what are our options here to explain this?

Option A: Team Rocket gets special treatment for background reasons.

There’s a bit of evidence for this one. Obviously we have Meowth who as far as Giovanni’s concerned is the only Pokémon that can talk and isn’t a literal god. Then we have James who is revealed pretty early on to be from a highly wealthy family, Giovanni probably knows this and even though James has no connection to the family’s wealth he’d probably figure out that they want James back to marry him off. Keeping James around as a bargaining chip when times get rough seems like a solid option. Meanwhile you have Jessie. Not gonna lie I’m kinda stumped with her. She doesn’t seem particularly skilled nor is her family rich in any capacity, girl literally had to eat snow for crying out loud. Maybe Meowth or James just liked her enough for Giovanni to put her on the team??

Option B: They serve as an example.

While they’re technically still high ranking, Giovanni keeps them around to send a message more than anything. At this point Giovanni 100% knows they cannot beat that stupid ass mouse and yet still makes them do it on the weekly. Why? To effectively torture them. Almost every episode they are nearly killed and humiliated. Why? To show other grunts what happens when you fail him. There are holes in this theory though, like how Team Rocket are still occasionally sent on genuine high value missions sometimes.

Option C: They didn’t actually get demoted that far/ actually got promoted

Sure Meowth lost his favourite status (which is debatable anyway) but aside from that and the taunting from Butch and Cassidy there aren’t many other signs that their rank is any lower now. It’s very possible Giovanni recognises their impressive skill in mechanics and disguises and simply doesn’t hire them for Pokémon capturing jobs anymore, and now Meowth and Co are really just doing it for the sport while their real job is covert operations such as the one in Unova. All the movies? They’re reporting all those legendary sightings to Giovanni ASAP. This is the funniest one and my personal favourite explanation.

These are just my ideas but what are yours? Please tell me I need to knoww.

[satancopilotsmytardis]

Fuck yeah, demon Dabi!

I really like that he got adopted by a community willing to take care of him. I believe that people will always seek out community and I just adore this detail here. The fact that they find a starving child and take him in.

On another note, seeing a feral Dabi would be pretty hot, actually.

Oh, Dabi. He's starving himself for other's approval. He's hurting himself again. And sure, it's different, but is it really? He's hurting himself to prove that he is strong, that he should be taken seriously. My boy :(

"There's [describes how all of the LoV are very unhinged] and Magne" I love this line.

And the found family starts! Shigaraki doesn't want any of his crew to be in less than the best shape they could be in. I really like how you write him as a good boss.

He booked a room at La Venus. Yeah, I'm sure that won't lead to him running into Shigaraki at all. Totally.

And the lingerie shows up! Also, Dabi keeping money tucked away in all of your stories for worst-case scenarios is really nice. Especially since he uses them to help the League after AfO is arrested. It just adds to his character nicely, I think.

Ooooh, flustered Shig! We don't get to see that often. Also, uncomfortable conversation for the win when Shigaraki is very much attracted to Dabi and knows that Dabi can smell it. Lol.

"He isn't supposed to be nice, or god forbid, understanding." Dabi. Dabi, have you ever thought about the fact that you had to deal with the literal scum of society for so long that you have gotten used to being treated as less than human? Because Shig is treating you like a human (well, demon) right now and that is actually the bare minimum. Oh boy.

Dabi is jealous~

That other succubus obviously noticed how interested Shig is in Dabi and felt threatened because they have slept with him before (probably more than once?). Also, the fact that Shig is not at all interested in them while being very much interested in Dabi is amusing.

Shigaraki: "I am going to be professional about this and give Dabi some space so my presence won't make him uncomfortable." Dabi: "You want to fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid."

I wonder if Shig had the scent blockers installed before or after he met Dabi for the first time? Was it just a general idea to use scent blockers in his villain costume as to not get tracked down or did Giran tell him one of the people who want to get in contact is a Succubus and Shig tried to make sure Dabi won't be uncomfortable?

"What if I want to eat you tonight?" "What are your rates?" Shigaraki you are such a simp. "More than worth triple." Oh, do you also want to offer him your still-beating heart on a golden plate? Simp.

Of course Shigaraki would find a way to be sweet even high on venom. He would never want to hurt Dabi by accident.

I really enjoy how you write oral. I think those are some of my favourite fics from you.

Last third of the fic and things are going downhill fast. I'm guessing Dabi only managed to last two months because he was eating so regularly before. Oh, I wonder if the fact that he can't get his fill from anyone else has to do woth the fact that he called Shigaraki his mate? Nah, couldn't be it. Haha, immediately got confirmation for that one.

Okay, but that venom-turned-to-gas attack is cool as fuck. Also, Compress immediately asking to turn taht into marbles just shows how the League is used to having Dabi around. Compress is practical when it comes to stuff like this, he won't judge Dabi when this can be used to give them an advantage (not that he would judge Dabi otherwise, either).

The fact that Dabi has managed to go hungry for this long without going feral really speaks for his self control. I don't remember if you ever answered this, but do demons typically have quirks in this universe? What is the PLFs stance on succubi?

Oh, oh poor Dabi. He was hungry for so long and he tried so hard and he held on for so long. It's no surprise he's slipping. Though taking a chunk out of an already injured Shigaraki does seem counterproductive. Also, that injury is going to be difficult to explain. Especially if there are succubi around, or people who know enough about succubi to know about them going feral.

The abandonment issues are hitting hard again, aren't they? And Shigaraki is such a simp. He had Dabi take a bite out of him and all he can focus on is that Dabi was hurting.

Well, that's a twist. Interesting though! Also, the fact that Shigaraki just immediately ignores everything else to make Dabi feel good. My guy, you are missing part of your shoulder.

Ah, that was a sweet ending. Well, as sweet as you can get with these two. I wonder how the rest of the League reacted? They definitely noticed that Dabi was oit of it for a long time. And I imagine they took the time to read up on succubi, at least on the basics. Did they know he was starving?

Also, an immortal Shigaraki is terrifying, actually. Once heroes find out how he did that, I'm pretty sure they will use the fact that he "owns" Dabi to turn the public even more against him.

Thank you for the story!

Fuck yeah! A long comment!!

Dabi's daddy issues really take a backseat in this one, but they are absolutely still here being a driving force behind his actions in a way I don't even think he's capable of recognizing.

I truly believe that Magne is the most normal member of the League. Oh, she has 47 attempted murders and a temper? Yeah? So what? I would too if i had to deal with transphobia that far into the future while an anthropomorphic washing machine got to run around being one of the top heroes!

Shigaraki has definitely slept with Reo at least twice, however, even if he hadn't slept with Dabi that night, he never would have taken them to bed again. He does not like that Reo tried to stake their claim over him when as far as he was concerned, anything that happened before was just a transaction.

The scent blockers were a part of his costume since his debut! When there are heroes like Hound Dog, it's important to keep things like that covered. But Shigaraki didn't know they were just as effective on demons which is why he said he would be reporting that back to the doctor.

READ HIM FOR FILTH! Look, Shigaraki is so blunt already that I just think if he ever cared enough about something other than his goals, be that another person or just sex flat out, he would be incredibly blunt, earnest, and cringe about pursuing that as well. He does not have a subtle bone in his body.

So in this universe, full-blooded demons do not have quirks, but they do have innate magics and abilities that can sometimes mimic what humans think of as quirks and that can help them stand toe-to-toe with humans even after their evolution. I never had a good chance to bring this up in the Incubus!Shigaraki story, but in the first installment Dabi mentions that he told the rest of the League Decay was a mutation of his ability to eat lifeforce, however Shigaraki was not aware at that time, that was a lie. In actuality, he was born human with demonic blood in his ancestry, and when Decay activated as a child, he was scooped up by AFO who then had Ujiko do a lot of medical experimentation on him until the demon genes activated. From there they waited for him to hit puberty, knowing his memories would be fucked up and gaslighting him the entire time to make sure he thought he was a born demon, to see what kind he would end up being. The fact he ended up being something as weak and low-born as an incubus is why AFO treated him so poorly and encouraged him to starve/feed only on nightmares, since he had already put so much effort into Shigaraki and didn't want to waste him. The fact that Dabi very openly and blatantly has a quirk signals to the world he was human first.

The PLF is a very large organization so it would range from "not racist at all" to "extremely racist" concerning Dabi's and (to a lesser degree) Toga's heritage. In general, given his position in the organization, Dabi would not have to deal with the particularly racist members-- except Geten who, after the incident in Deika, and with his own family's obsession with 'blood purity' would be thoroughly disgusted by Dabi. He would still ask to be put on a squad with the popsicle though, because Dabi is used to that kind of treatment and he wants to keep a close eye on him to make sure he doesn't' ever try to start something.

Shigaraki continues to be a simp, but the fact that he ignored the bite and just kept fucking Dabi is 100% down to the venom. He couldn't have stopped even if he wanted to at that point, and he was just glad that Dabi didn't tear out a vein or artery.

The rest of the League would know they're dating, and kind of had their big reaction to that before the group headed to Deika, but no one else would be able to tell that Shigaraki owns Dabi now unless they tell them, or until it becomes very obvious that Shigaraki is not aging anymore, which he might actually continue to do until he's around 25 or so if the bond determines that's when he would be at his most physically healthy. Overall, I think that they would be happy for them, but be very confused about how in the fuck that works, because the succubi-granted immortality is a very well-kept secret in demon circles to avoid succubi being enslaved again.

So on that same note, the heroes would have no way of knowing what was going on between the two of them for a very, very long time. Especially if Shigaraki does naturally unlock the regeneration quirk of All For One, which would make the longevity Dabi is giving him and his healing look like one and the same. They would also have a theoretical eternity to do what they need to, even if Dabi has already decided he's not going to kill himself to kill Endeavor anymore. Now he gets to take the time and plan for a new revenge. (I'm thinking fighting Shoto and forcing him to use his flames until he accidentally turns into a demon too and forcing Enji to see his perfect prodigy is now a demonic race the whole world looks down on)

Thank you for the comment!

[almost-correct-quotes]

lyrics that remind me of dion and kane / their plotline <3

if there's no character specified it's either about them together or the plotline in general

it's tumblr, so the colors are messed up but you get what im trying to do its supposed to be aesthetic

Dion: Turn and Go - {Parentheses}

When the night is turning sour Due to the lateness of the hour Doesn't mean it has to end Just turn and go You just need a change of scene Somewhere happy, somewhere green You don't have to be alone Just turn and go

I announce that I am leaving, no one seems to care No one even takes a second glance But I am with the people that I love the most And that's always more fun without a plan

Dion: Lying in the Middle - Spence Hood

Why should I make up my mind Just to change it overnight What a magnificent way to waste my time You know I would rather live my life Rife with riddles Lying in the middle of the Kinsey scale The world’s a buffet and I came to get my fill

Dion: Doing This Again! - Bears in Trees

I hope I'll be resilient I hope to be brave in the face of another family cancer My mother 'cites a rosary downstairs But lord, these blessed words fail me

Love Takes Time - Philip Labes

It takes more than some roses, for roots to intertwine To open up the doors to your interior design Sneaking in the baggage, that we couldn't leave behind

Saint Bernard - Lincoln

When I'm dead, I won't join their ranks 'Cause they are both holy and free (…) Make me love myself, so that I might love you Don't make me a liar, 'cause I swear to God When I said it, it was true

Paul Revere - Noah Kahan

One day, I'm gonna cut it clear Ride like Paul Revere And, when they ask me who I am I'll say, "I'm not from around here"

I'll leave before the road crew's out Before those joggers, looking way too proud And I'll turn up the music and I'll forget Until it ends, that I'm not ready to let go yet

How I Survived Bobby Mackey's Personal Hell - Lincoln

Well, if there’s one thing that I'm sure of It’s that I think too much about shit that doesn’t matter And I don’t think enough about things that make a difference

You left some holes in the plotline I left some holes in your clothes And we can argue semantics over who left who first

Dion: Downhill - Lincoln

I went downhill at such steep incline That my rearview mirror showed me only the sky And I laughed about it all night

And I said “Hey man, isn’t it poetic That the sky is what we leave behind?” Because I was born into the world on a silken cloud And I got bored of the world before I hit the ground

From Eden - Hozier

Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on his sword Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me, I should know

There's something broken about this But I might be hoping about this Oh, what a sin

Out of Time - Philip Labes

Tick, tick, tick goes any good thing Forever is a diamond lie We can't stop the clock, so let's just talk Until our heartbeats rhyme Until we're out of time (...) And if you believe that fate brought us together Then you must believe that it tore us apart But I do not believe That we live in a machine I think the ticking that you're hearing is a heart

Kane: Is It Honor That I Want? - Sushi Soucy (it's LITERALLY him. screaming)

I know the guidelines That I've lived by my whole life So well that I could sing them Be a good kid, be a good brother Be a good son, be a good loyal servant to the kingdom

Why am I so confused? I have everything I want Yet it feels like I have nothing left to lose Is the world really falling to pieces? Do we really have to iron out the creases? Have I been told my whole life something that isn't true? Because I really have no idea what to do

I curse the heavens up above Is it really honor that I want Or is it love?

The Title Track - Origami Angel

Sometimes it gets hard to be alive And you know that better than I do Better than I do Sometimes you need somewhere else to go Somewhere that nobody can find you No one will find you

But if you wanna be somewhere you don't have to be alone Or distraught or anything at all Baby, you don't have to be, pack all your things And we'll move to Somewhere City If you want to be someone that you never have to hide Or keep bottled up on the inside Baby, you can set it free, just come with me And I'll show you Somewhere City's waiting for you

Dion: Re-Do - Modern Baseball (i have to put mobo on every single playlist somewhere soz)

I wanna start from the top Maybe like a do-over Replace the voices in my head With blind innocence

I want a complete re-do Maybe change my name Report the losses, grab the claim "It's a shame, it's such a shame"

Kane: Stick Season - Noah Kahan

As you promised me that I was more than all the miles combined You must've had yourself a change of heart like halfway through the drive Because your voice trailed off exactly as you passed my exit sign Kept on drivin' straight and left our future to the right

[chirpsythismorning]

Y’all will be your own undoing the fact none of you have not even the slightest bit of doubt is rather worrying. what happens if neither is endgame and let’s say Mike is killed off? You can’t say that won’t happen either because you don’t know the same way you can’t say byler is endgame because you don’t know hell even milevens can’t say they’re ship is endgame because they don’t know. Ego is ruining both sides and neither side is correct and shouldn’t proclaim to be.

I'm sorry anon, but I'm not all bylers. While there are a great deal of bylers like myself who have less doubts these days, there are plenty that have mostly doubts. PLENTY. Arguably the vast majority. And for good reason, ie. history.

To be completely honest anon, I don't think you're worried about bylers and their lack of doubts. I think their lack of doubt scares you bc it's caused you to go from confident to having doubts yourself. Why else would you be here on anon all condescending otherwise?

Personally, I'm not even here bc I want to believe byler's endgame. And no offense to those that have went through it, because the whole point of queer-baiting is to basically mock queer fans and lead them on with no intention of following through, but I have never been queer-baited before.

I did however, like many milkvans, go into Stranger Things loving Mike and El under the assumption they were peak romance. I literally skipped all of s2 during my first rewatch to get to their reunion! But genuinely, do we think the show is supposed to be watched that way?? Hell no.

If you're having to skip all of s2, most of s3, most of s4 in rewatches, bc Mike and El are separated, fighting, or broken up, what does that tell you?

If you're having resentments for characters like Max and Lucas and Will and Hopper bc the story has made points to have those characters interfere with your confidence in Mike and El romantically, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you're probably watching the show wrong. To be clear, if you have resentment for ANY of the main characters, you are missing something!!!

And that was my problem back then when I subscribed to these assumptions, because I WANTED to believe Mike and El were the pinnacle of romance, despite the signs incoming that went against it. And what that meant is I had to hold resentments for all the characters, including Mike and El themselves and even the Duffer Brothers for ruining what I WANTED to believe.

After s3, me, my friends, family and quite honestly anyone I spoke to about the show, said that it went downhill since the previous two seasons. And I do think a big part of the reason why, is because of the Mike and El conflict conflating everything. It felt regressive. And s4 repeating that exact storyline????

It took me a while to even consider byler as an idea. It's not like I latch onto every non-canon mlm ship and just ship for nothing (very few bylers do this, no matter how much anti's need to convince themselves this is the case as an excuse to be homophobic).

I am a hopeless romantic. Doesn't matter if it's queer or straight, I only ship stuff that I feel confident is endgame bc why would I put myself through scenes of something that doesn't feel right to me, merely bc I want to believe it and despite everything pointing against it??

Full serious, IF I was confident in milkvan endgame as a possibility, I would probably just convince myself to like them and provide evidence supporting it, bc I would honestly rather be right? Who tf wants to be wrong?

The problem was it didn't matter if I was initially convinced Mike and El were the pinnacle of romance (I was a child okay, give me a break...). Once I let go of that assumption because of all the doubts I had of them piling up, and took off my heteronormative goggles, I went woah... Holy shit. This show is actually fucking epic. Doubts gone. And the rest is history.

So, what happens if neither is endgame and Mike's killed off? I guess I would be confused, especially because the Duffer's specifically mentioned not being able to kill off Mike in a podcast last year. They gave their reasoning as to why, being that they take deaths on their show very seriously, needing 1+ seasons for them to show the characters mourning the loss. And so ending the show on that exact note, would be kind of a spoiler since they brought it up specifically? Therefore kind of redundant?

I guess, sue me for thinking the Duffers care about the show and put a lot of meaning into it. All of my analysis and theories are based on that assumption. No one's going to change how I think about that, so trust me, not worth getting worked up over it, anon.

If your evidence is all based on the assumption that the Duffers are not that good of writers, that almost everything on the show is coincidental and there's no deeper meaning beyond surface level, why are you even watching it in the first place? You do you I guess, but I just don't know why you wouldn't want to watch something that is more worth your time?

People being confident in their theories wont hurt you. If it bothers you so much, maybe find a way to be confident with your theories after looking at all the evidence from both sides. All sides. Any sides. If you still come up completely indifferent, then don't work yourself up by going on anon and making it other peoples' problem.

If it turns out everything meant nothing, and I was wrong about everything or most of what I interpreted, I will be okay! Because the show went from being about what I wanted to believe, to just what I genuinely believed.

Would I be disappointed? Sure. But lets hope I'm right bc in my scenario the show is epic and everything means something... not sure why anyone would root for the alt...

[foreveralwaysanauthor]

Eleanor, when you posted your list of ideas, I was so excited to see that I'm not the only one who has an incredibly long list of ideas that may or may not ever see the light of day and I really wanted to share mine. I originally had no intention of posting mine, but as this is the 8th anniversary of me starting this little fantasy world and my 12th writing anniversary is coming up, I figured I might as well use this as a sort of anniversary post as well. Because I am absolutely obsessed with✨details✨ some things on this list have gone a bit overboard from their intended little snippets, but I'm not entirely sure you'd mind that lmao. Now, without further ado, here is my list!

Story Concepts:

Now, some of these have a future as I plan to write the first two if I can find the time and, possibly, some others as I love the concepts. Most of these are AUs, but there are a few sequels I really want to work on that have made the list. There is one that is just a concept and won't go any further than what I have for reasons I'll explain further and it should be very easy to tell which one.

Idea 1: Life Is Strange AU

This game has been on my radar for literal years now and I’m only just coming up with ideas for it, but since I know the series fairly well, things are piecing together fairly well. The games are, essentially, played episode by episode where each choice you make in the game, impacts the rest of the story. It’s like the butterfly effect - a butterfly flaps its wings in Hawaii and a hurricane starts halfway across the world. Every choice matters. I am only using the first and last of the main games and the prologue of the first game. In the first game, you control time as a high school student. In the prologue for that, you play as a pair of unlikely friends who discover that one of them doesn’t have as perfect of a life as the other assumed. Then, in the third, you play as a young woman who can see and manipulate emotions. Now that that’s established, I’ll give a bit of a summary of my ideas, all of which are set in modern times. 

In the first story, the Murphy family moves from Myrtle Beach to Sanbornton, New Hampshire so that Royce can attend the prestigious Oakwood Academy - a private high school specializing in Arts and Science. At this school, he befriends Riven, an upperclassman in his photography class who constantly encourages him to turn in a photograph for a national competition to earn himself a scholarship to the university of his choosing. One day, after school, he meets with his brothers at the diner downtown and all but collides with a familiar face he hadn’t seen in years - his former best friend, Vivien. After a rather awkward conversation, the pair takes a picture with Royce’s camera and part ways, only to be brought back together when Royce saves Vivien from one of the rich pricks from his school who decides to bring a gun into the alleyway behind the diner. The two decide to finally talk things over at Vivien’s typical haunt and he finds out that, since Vivien’s family moved to New Hampshire so she could attend Oakwood, things have only gone downhill for her. Her father was killed in a car accident, her mother remarried to some asshole who works as a security guard at Oakwood, and to make matters worse, the person she was closest to went missing and nobody has seen or heard from her in months. Now, on top of juggling schoolwork and normal life, Royce has to worry about potential kidnappings, strange weather occurrences, and, of yeah, the fact that he can now go back in time through the Polaroid pictures he takes so often.

While there is quite a bit more to go over for that one, I think I’ll move on to the second story, where we find that Royce isn’t the only person in town with abilities. In this one, we have Miles and Carrie, an unlikely pair who know they have at least one thing in common; they both want to get the hell out of Sanbornton. Miles only knows Carrie from the posters slapped on every telephone pole, advertising the next big musical in town while Carrie knows Miles as the guy she paid to fix up her convertible’s malfunctioning roof. In the few hours they spend talking while he works on her car, the two grow inexplicably close and bond over a fondness for a certain band he plays over the shop radio. On a whim one day, Carrie shows up at Miles’ shop and they decide to skip town the next day, hitching a ride on a freight train that takes them out of town to a lookout point a while north of Sanbornton. After a while of goofing off and enjoying each other's company, they decide to make up storylines about people they see with one of the viewfinders at the top of the hill. Some fun stories are concocted before Carrie, who becomes upset with what she sees through the lens, insists that she and Miles get out of there as she wants to get drunk. They steal a bottle of wine from a couple’s picnic basket while they’re away and follow the train tracks back to Sanbornton. Along the way, Miles confronts Carrie about her change in mood. After arguing about why Miles is so interested, the quarrel comes to a head when Carrie discloses that she witnessed her boyfriend cheating on her with the girl who is supposed to be her understudy in the upcoming play. She shows him a picture of the three of them and, as her emotions get the better of her, the photograph ignites in her hand, fluttering to the ground in burning embers as they both stare in shock at what happened. They find a secluded place to talk things over and, after realizing her newfound abilities must be related to her emotions, Carrie begins worrying about how she’s supposed to act on stage if she’ll only end up setting everything around her on fire. Eventually, Miles calms her down and they decide to meet up the next day to see if they can find a way for her to control it throughout her time on stage. I haven’t totally figured out an ending to this other than Miles getting roped into being in the show to replace the guy Carrie was dating as, once she breaks up with him, he gets physical and breaks a part of the set, getting himself fired. Anyway, that’s as far as I got with the second one.

The third is, perhaps, my least thought-through, but here we go. Kona is new to town, having moved in with her dad in his apartment above his arcade after years of moving around with her mom. Unlike the other stories, Kona was born with her abilities - getting used to seeing colorful emotions around people and hearing the thoughts that come along with them at a young age, but not being able to control how she processes the emotions that hit her like a brick wall. Bentley is a regular at the arcade, using whatever allowance he gets to buy as many tokens as he can. The two bond at the prize counter, but when a particularly unruly, older kid from their school comes in and tries to rough up Bentley over his purchase of the last, limited-edition comic book at the prize counter, Kona’s emotions “snap”, sending a wave of the boy’s own anger his way and sending the older boy slamming into one of the machines. Understandably, Kona and Bentley are confused by this revelation as Bentley didn’t know Kona had abilities and Kona didn’t know she was capable of something like that. After a fairly long discussion where she shows Bentley how her abilities work, she discovers that she can piece together why someone feels the way they do - if it’s a strong enough emotion - and can help them sort through their feelings for a better outcome. They begin to work together, helping people around town with their mental and emotional struggles, but will it become too much for Kona to bear as she takes on everyone else’s problems and ignores her own? I suppose you’ll just have to find out… if I ever get around to writing this out lol

Idea 2: Titanic AU

Now, this one is definitely not surprising as I adore the RMS Titanic as much as (if not more than) Vivien and, as far as the story goes, it could go one of two ways. One is set back in April of 1912 and goes through everything almost like the movie combined with all of the historical accuracies I can add into the equation, and the other is set in modern times and will make sense when I write it out. The first version is the one-shot-turned-story I was going to write for Carrie's birthday before I realized just how long it would be and that it would, most likely, end up being more than one part (just like the ship... yeah, I'll see myself out lol).

Version 1 is easily explained as the roles of Jack and Rose are played by none other than Miles and Carrie, with a bit of a twist. After the death of her parents, Mrs. Murphy takes her three sons and, with a portion of what inheritance was left after her husband began wasting it away, books four tickets aboard the Titanic in the hopes of starting anew in America. The tickets are in third class, but they can’t bring themselves to care as they’re simply ready to start a new life. Carrie follows Rose’s story pretty closely in the beginning - a loveless engagement planned only for financial gain, overbearing parents keeping a tight reign on her, and the faint urge to throw herself overboard once the ship is far enough from land that nobody will be able to save her. Then, as she and her young maid, Vivien, are overlooking the ocean from a higher deck on the ship’s departing day, Carrie follows Vivien’s gaze to a group of three young men a deck lower than them; one of whom can’t seem to take his eyes off of her. One night, Carrie dismisses Vivien after dinner and takes off for the back of the ship to escape the overwhelming pressure that’s been piling atop her for ages now. Miles, ever the night owl, watches her from a bench, only approaching her once she steps onto the lowest rung of the ship’s railings, and, though Carrie claims she has no real desire to pitch herself from the back of the ship, he still treats her as though she might. Eventually, he offers her a drink and an unbiased opinion, and the pair talk late into the night. Miles walks her as far as he is allowed to go and the pair go their separate ways once Carrie invites Miles and his family to dinner the next night as thanks for lending an ear and talking with her, which he politely declines. Not one to be swayed, Carrie sends Vivien to the general room in third class, instructing her to find Miles and his family and bring them to her. Finding all eyes are on her upon her arrival, Vivien meekly squeaks out who she has come to see and is relieved to watch Miles step forward from a table where he and Bentley had been drawing. Despite Miles telling her to simply pass on a message of thanks, Vivien is persistent and, ultimately, Mrs. Murphy steps in, listens to what Viv has to say, and accepts the invitation. The family is given some proper attire for the night thanks to another traveling family whom Carrie’s family has close ties with - the Bandoni family - and they have dinner as upper-class citizens. Once the evening has died down, Miles invites Carrie - and, in turn, Vivien - to a party the third-class passengers are throwing in the general room. The story carries out mostly the same as the movie, but there are some, distinct differences in the end like who would survive and who would end up going down with the ship.

Version 2 is one that I had a dream about and ended up sort of intertwined with the Titanic-based Magic Tree House book that I read as a child. Basically, Vivien drags Royce to a traveling Titanic exhibit. Upon their arrival, they receive boarding passes that bear the names of the passenger they would be and are permitted to explore as they please. After a while of looking around, they stop at an exhibit of photographs taken aboard the ship. To their amazement, they find a photograph of a young newlywed couple who bear a striking resemblance to themselves, standing by the railing on the 10th of April - the day the Titanic left Southampton for the beginning of her maiden voyage. They flag down one of the managers and explain the situation before asking if they could maybe see the picture up close. The person takes them to a back room before bringing in the photograph and some gloves for them to hold it with. They set it down on the table as Royce and Vivien put their gloves on and go to turn on the air conditioning as the summer heat isn’t good for the old picture and the wind sends the picture flying. Royce and Vivien catch the picture and carefully examine it to make sure it looks alright before looking up, only to find that they’re staring at an old-timey camera perched on a stand near the railing of none other than the ship of dreams itself. That’s right, they’re now aboard the RMS Titanic as she sails her fated maiden voyage! Now they not only have to figure out how to get back home before the ship sinks, but they also have to play the role of a young, First-Class couple on their honeymoon trip to America. Can they keep up appearances and find a way home before the iceberg scrapes the ship or will they be caught in the fray of one of the world’s biggest maritime disasters? Honestly, even I don’t know the answer yet, so I suppose we’ll find out someday haha!

Idea 3: WandaVision AU

When my sister allowed me to borrow her Disney+ account a while ago, my first mission was WandaVision. Needless to say, I fell in love with the concept of a new decade every episode and felt as though it suited some of our characters in a way that needs a lot of explaining in order for any of it to make sense. I don’t know if you’ve seen this show yet, but the basic concept is that, in Avengers: Infinity War, Wanda (also known as Scarlet Witch) loses her long-term, android boyfriend, Vision, in battle. A while after the battle, she travels to a small town called Westview where the two of them planned to move, build a home together, and grow old. Consumed by grief and rage over the life she'd lost in her time as a hero, Wanda's mental state sort of breaks, and her chaos magic powers activate around her, creating a pocket reality that engulfs all of Westview. Though she didn't realize it at first, Wanda transformed Westview into a completely altered bubble that was formed by her love of sitcoms, which she'd always turned to in times of difficulty. With her chaos magic, she also created an entire alternate version of Vision completely from her memories of him, inadvertently casting him in the role of her sitcom husband. Comforted by the world she'd created, Wanda began living a sitcom life in Westview, still unaware of what she'd done, moving from decade to decade as though nothing were different.

You’ve probably pieced together who would be who here, but I have a few different versions to offer. 1 - Mick and Butchy, 2 - Royce and Vivien, 3 - Carrie and Miles, or 4 - Mrs. Murphy, Miles, Royce, and Bentley. For Mick and Butchy, think about how intense she was when he was in his accident ages ago. That rage could fuel magic any day. Carrie and Miles' story could be very similar to Butchy and Mick's as I feel like they have this connection that isn't easily explained and that their love goes a lot deeper than either of them might realize. If one of them were to die, what lengths would the other go to in order to bring them back? Royce and Vivien have a strong relationship as well despite being young and, while Royce is typically calm and collected, he worries quite a bit for Vivien’s safety as she ventures through abandoned buildings, explores places she probably shouldn’t, and gets into more trouble than he ever wants her to. If he were to lose her in some sort of freak accident, would that be enough to cause something in him to snap like that? Potentially, I think. Now, putting aside the romance and looking toward the family dynamic, we have the Murphy family. What hurts more than a mother losing her children? Imagine the normally easy-going, caring, Mrs. Murphy - the mom to everyone around her - absolutely losing her shit because all three of her sons died in the same battle. That would certainly be something emotional enough to fuel some serious chaos magic. Honestly, I just want to write more about her and I feel like a nice, sitcom-esque story would be a perfect opportunity to get a feel for her personality over the years.

Idea 4: Grease AU

While I’m sure this isn’t a total surprise as I’ve mentioned it before, I want to explain how I see it, especially after finishing Rise of the Pink Ladies and gleaning several ideas from there. 

This AU is a bit different as we find Mick and Vivien as the new girls in town - sisters with opposing interests. Mick, who spends every minute at school trying to break out of the shy mold she left at her old high school, and Vivien who just wants to blend into the background and survive junior high without making waves. Things don’t go quite as planned as both girls find themselves at the epicenter of rumors not even a week into the school year. According to the gossip, Mick was seen under the bleachers with the leader of the T-Birds, and Vivien was spotted kicking a boy in the family jewels. While neither girl can deny these claims as they are technically true, the statements were twisted. Although Vivien begins to like her reputation as a fearsome fighter and leans into the rumors, adding that she only did it to protect a kid in her class and that she would be more than willing to do it again to anyone who dared pick on the people around her, Mick tries to clear her name with the help of the T-Bird she’d been spotted with, hoping others would believe that she had, in fact, been under the bleachers with a T-Bird, but that she was trying to give him something he had left at her dad’s workshop and they had a conversation, end of discussion. Despite her pleas to rid herself of her nickname as the local floozy, Mick can’t shake the rumors, but once she inadvertently helps one of the girls who had been spreading the rumors, the word on the street begins to ebb. The two girls form an odd friendship despite the helpful T-Bird and most of his friends warning her to steer clear of the blonde and her penchant for ruining reputations with her good girl act. Despite the accusations against her new friend, Mick stays by her and, at a sleepover, the cheerleader confides in Mick that she is in a secret relationship with one of the T-Birds that started over the summer. Though her friend doesn’t divulge which one, Mick soon discovers exactly who it is as Vivien and her two friends get out of school early one Friday and head to the high school parking lot to wait for their rides, only to see the head cheerleader with the T-Birds’ second-in-command locking lips by the greaser’s Fleetmaster. So, yeah, a lot of drama would come with this one.

Idea 5: Percy Jackson AU

I’ve tried writing Percy Jackson stories before and, let’s just say, it didn’t go well. You will, however, see some nods to this in upcoming chapters of Camp Wanamaker. This AU is something I’ve thought of for literal years (think 2016-17), but have no true storyline other than who would be the child of which Greek god. I can’t simply follow one of the books without dissolving into the next and, where there are so many books, I don’t think this would ever actually happen. This is something that my niece, Lorali, and nephew, Erek, actually requested at different times as their classes were reading the books in school, and I tried to figure everything out, but nothing ever came of it. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever work on this as it would be too much to take on. For now, though, I’ll simply give you my list of who I think belongs where and, if the time ever comes for me to write this out, we’ll go from there.

Miles, Royce, and Bentley - Sons of Apollo (most specialize in various forms of art, poetry, archery, or music, almost all of them have the ability to heal others and can tell how bad the injury is just by looking at it, a rare few can control light and fire, even rarer is the ability to glow, and some can use music to win battles like a siren calling sailors to their deaths)

Mick - Daughter of Hephaestus (skillful engineers and craftsmen, they can instinctively detect, identify, and operate any piece of machinery, and some even have control of fire, lava, and volcanoes) 

Carrie, Tanner, and Juliet - Children of Aphrodite (possess intense love magic, have greater clarity and sharper focus than most, have the ability to change appearance at will, and can alter people’s thoughts/influence them by simply speaking - otherwise known as charm-speaking)

Vivien - Daughter of Athena (masters at invention, architecture, and strategy - especially in battle - their knowledge is unmatched, and some have great skills with weaponry even without prior mastery of the weapon of their choice)

Kona - Daughter of Poseidon (can create and control hurricanes, earthquakes, and water, can communicate telepathically with sea life, some are mildly able to control ice, wind, electricity, and cold, they heal quickly if they’re in any type of water, and a very rare few can manipulate blood as it contains water)

Butchy and Lela - Children of Zeus (natural leaders in every sense, are immensely brave and strong, most, if not all, can control electricity/lightning, and some can control air to be able to fly if they practice)

Xander - Son of Ares (combat specialists, masters of weapons, are typically stereotyped as being complete assholes, and can possess invincibility if they spent a lot of time in battle)

Idea 6: True Colors (Through The Valley sequel)

Now, I absolutely adored writing the first story, but ever since I was able to play the second game and watch the HBO show, I've fallen more in love with the story and its concepts. A sequel for this would be far bigger scale - throwing more characters into the fray and holding very little back as, if I learned anything from the show, it's sometimes okay to kill off favorite characters to show the gravity of their situation. Just a reminder, Riven never existed in this universe and, while I have a perfect place for him, I don't want to go into too much detail.

This sequel would have a bit of a time jump and we would see some of our favorite characters in a different light as rival groups come out of the woodwork with only one thing on their mind - revenge. While we would also see budding friendships and romance, we also see some of our favorite relationships torn apart. I do feel like this would be a good way to really throw caution to the wind and see some of our favorite people fight in ways we've never seen them. In this universe, it's not always the infected you have to worry about; other people are just as scary.

I would probably focus on the second game's plot here - a story of revenge fueled by love. We would witness our first death fairly early on as one character kills another as atonement for their previous sins. One of our favorite characters would barge in during the fight, only to be taken captive by the assailant's friends. Witnessing the death of a loved one is traumatic and, with every intention of killing the people who dared to hurt their loved one, the witness gathers themself and takes off on a hunt to get revenge on the person who wronged them. Finding themselves in an entirely new area with unknown threats around every corner, will they be able to make it out alive? Better yet, will they be able to make it out with their sanity?

Honestly, I'm not even sure. For the time being, I have a set of characters lined up and know who would be playing whom, but would have a lot further to go before I felt comfortable writing anything out. I am excited about it though and hope to someday feel ready enough to get something done for it. Until then, here is the actual trailer for the game as it holds quite a few hints at what's to come and who our set of characters could be. It is a bit gory which makes sense, given the universe we're in, but I wanted to warn you all the same. Anyway, the characters' appearances, the song choice, the subtle intensity, and the words they say to each other are very intentional and will make a bigger impact once I finally have this story ready to go. Every little detail matters. One word, in particular, may strike a certain chord in you and leave you guessing, but that's all I'll say for now.

Idea 7: In Comma Coriyama (Magicae Maxima sequel)

This was originally the name for Magicae Maxima, but, obviously, I chose differently. Now, I'm not sure if you could tell with the ending surrounding Serena, but I had every intention of making a sequel where she would continue being the possessed one like Mick had.

At first, Royce, Vivien, and Bentley would have no idea as she's always pretty bitchy at school and they're sort of busy helping at Mick's store and training their magic to see much of a difference. Having family around to help them grow as young mages is helping them become stronger and more capable of protecting themselves. In turn, Serena is growing more and more used to being possessed by the dark magic and, although she barely has control of her own body, she is still conscious and can see the effect the possession is having as it chips away at her relationships and targets the people she was closest to. When the possessed Serena, in a moment of freedom, begs Vivien for help after class, the brunette realizes something must be up and goes looking for answers.

Obviously, this isn't all I have, but I might be working on this for the spooky season, so I'm keeping things vague!

Headcanons:

I have a long list that is still looming both on my phone and in my notebooks, but it will take me time to get them all here, so for now, this is all I have lol.

This may or may not come as a little bit of a shock, but Mick and Vivien are distantly related. Mick’s family in New Hampshire is huge and, while they don’t know they’re related, they’re actually cousins. Mick’s great-aunt was married to Vivien’s great-uncle and they moved down to Texas long before the girls were even born, let alone before they met.

Growing up, Bentley was always upset with being compared to his brothers academically and, when Royce noticed this, his paintings stopped and his sketches practically disappeared. He wanted Bentley to feel special about something and, now that art is Bentley’s “thing” Royce refuses to so much as touch a crayon unless Bentley asks him to. He’d rather stick with photography.

Riven taught Vivien drums so she could join his band and she taught him Morse code so they could talk to each other in skating meetings without having to say a word.

Mick tried to lighten her hair when she was thirteen so that she could look more like her dad, but the bottle of Sun-In that she used only served to turn her orange until they could get it fixed at the salon.

Vivien got a perm once and was mad that she looked like a poodle, but then Carrie pointed out that she looked like one of the girls in an 80s movie and she was alright with it after that. When it faded, she had no intention of getting it back, but still curls her hair from time to time because she misses the bounciness of the curls.

Carrie, Mick, and Vivien have a game they play to see who can fluster their boys the fastest. Over time, Butchy became accustomed to it and flipped the situation back on Mick more often than not. Miles has his moments of clarity with Carrie and can occasionally fight fire with fire, but they’re few and far between. Royce, on the other hand, is almost always taken aback by Vivien’s advances as she switches things up on him all the time.

Kona taught herself how to swear in three different languages so that she could say things around her family without getting caught. Her languages of choice were German, Japanese, and French, which made things more than a bit awkward when she found out the Murphys could understand what she was saying.

Bentley has the weirdest tastes. He loves bananas, but hates banana bread. Can’t stand oranges or grapes, but likes them as flavors in soda or snow cones. One of the ones everyone gets a kick out of is that he doesn’t like strawberries, but enjoys strawberry ice cream.

Vivien found out she was claustrophobic while in a mirror maze at the town carnival. She was with Riven and his dad at the time and Riven practically carried her out of the maze. They both swore they would never speak of it again, but Riven still teases her about it now and then.

Kona is a completely unique form of chaos and molds perfectly with the Troublemaker Trio. While Royce is organized chaos, Vivien is adventurous chaos, and Bentley is creative chaos, Kona is a sort of unhinged chaos. This girl holds nothing back and will not hesitate to be absolutely insane. In my mind, they’re almost like the Penguins of Madagascar. Royce is Kowalski, Vivien is Skipper, Bentley is Private, and Kona is 100% Rico.

Mick and Bentley wander off a lot in crowded areas (the mall, carnivals, concerts) and have been told by some of the others that, if they keep things up, they’ll be forced to wear one of those toddler leashes. Bentley doesn't give a shit and dares them to try, so they do. It wasn't his proudest moment, but he didn't exactly care, either.

Miles doesn’t really care for cake. It’s just not his thing. He’ll eat it, sure, but he prefers ice cream or, even better, ice cream cake. The only time he willingly eats cake is when someone in the family, especially one of the kids, makes some as he doesn’t want them to feel bad about him not trying some. 

Vivien has a habit of getting people addicted to things she enjoys. One time, she unintentionally got Butchy and Miles hooked on a very specific brand of energy drink that she has to order online and get shipped to her house, so every time a shipment comes in, she goes to the cabin, bursts in like the Kool-Aid man, and yells, “I’ve got the drugs!” at the top of her lungs. The same thing happened when they went to the mall and she made Carrie try a Japanese soda (Ramune) that they now have to order in bulk because everyone keeps stealing them from the fridge. The one thing Viv is adamant she’s keeping to herself is her rootbeer-flavored popsicles because they’re incredibly hard to find and the only shop that has them, orders an entire box just for her at the start of every month.

Before the swear jar mysteriously disappeared, Bentley, Royce, and Vivien would find ways to cuss around the others without getting in trouble. At the mall, they would chant out the name of a certain sporting goods store (Dick’s) or when they went for walks and passed the local dam, they constantly made dam jokes. They found ways around things and even the ones who tried to get them to stop had to give them props for creativity.

I’ve kind of had this headcanon where, when Carrie or Mick get pregnant, Miles and Butchy get bizarre cravings for them. While all the girls want is chicken alfredo or cheddar broccoli soup, their men are craving peanut butter and pickle sandwiches, bananas slathered in maple syrup, and ice cream decorated with chocolate-covered pickles. Even though Carrie and Mick think all of Miles and Butchy’s random concoctions are absolutely disgusting, the guys can’t seem to get enough. For some reason, almost all of the cravings disappear once the babies are born, but some still stick around though the girls wonder if their interest in the foods is still genuine or if they’re just doing it for fun.

I had a headcanon for a while that I never really worked with as I found it sort of pointless as time went on, but I figured I should share it now that it’s developed into something different entirely. I had this idea that, after a while of thinking things over, Miles would talk with his Uncle Tommy about potentially adopting the boys. At first, it would have been Miles adopting them and then it became Tommy taking them in, but that didn’t really work in my head, so I scrapped it for a while. Now, my working headcanon is that Miles stays in close contact with Tommy and sends him things about himself and the boys like their big achievements, their grades, and their friends. If Tommy were to visit at some point, he wouldn’t be all that surprised to meet Carrie, Mick, Vivien, Kona, or the rest of the group and would be at ease going through town as though he’d been there before. I feel like Uncle Tommy would be their way of reconnecting with their mom’s side of the family and he’d be more than willing to travel the 7½ hours-long drive to see them.

Musicals:

I had to shorten this list as I was running a bit short on time, but I'll add more later if it lets me.

Hello Dolly - I've already told you about this one, but the point still stands. I absolutely adore this musical. The thought of Miles as Cornelius and Carrie as Irene Molloy - a rich, self-made woman and a shopkeeper from a poorer background who fall in love despite everything around them - just makes me so happy.

Hadestown - I don't know if you've seen this one, but, to summarize, this is the love story of Orpheus and Eurydice - a story I absolutely adore. The story, the music, the ending, everything in this musical just screams of love and pain and there are so many ways this could go! Mostly, I could see Miles and Carrie playing a really good Orpheus and Eurydice while Butchy and Mick (or Xander and Juliet) take on Hades and Persephone, but the ideas are endless!

Chicago - This one is just for fun as I love the show, but just think of Carrie or Juliet as Roxie and Mick as Velma. The two of them vie for the top spot in the papers and fight for the publicity that their respective crimes give them, but both are unwilling to work together to gain popularity in the press. It’s just a fun little idea that I like playing with.

The Lightning Thief - This is only because I could see Bentley finding out this musical exists, listening to it all the time, and singing it as often as possible. With how much he liked the books, it feels only natural that he’d enjoy this just as much.

High School Musical on Stage! - This is simply because I feel like this would be absolutely epic. I mean, come on! How could it be any better than this? Carrie as Sharpay, Tanner as Ryan, Mick as Gabriella, Butchy as Troy, and Miles as Zeke - I could go on for ages about how insanely cool that would be! Honestly, I just love High School Musical and would love to see our characters in a show like that.

Songs:

Not all of these are on my summer writing or inspiration playlists, but the vibes are there and I want to write something for all of them at some point or another! I will be adding more later, but for today, this is all I have.

Killer Queen - Honestly, I listened to this around Halloween time last year and was soooo tempted to write a vampire-ish story with Vivien, Carrie, Kona, and Mick in this little coven of killers, but nothing ever came of it. I had a plan for it to be this sort of small-town, murder-mystery-type story with the girls working with the Murphy brothers and Butchy (the town police department’s newest officer) to solve some murders in the area, only for it to be discovered in the end that the murderers were the girls all along and they were just leaving a trail of bodies for the boys to discover, eventually leading them to their deaths. I still have a sort of plan to work on this sometime, but it's just not at the forefront just yet as I think it needs a bit more work.

Crash My Car - I stand by this song being a song Miles relates to as he falls in love with Carrie, but before they’re together. I’ve paid a lot of attention to the lyrics themselves and I feel like they sort of cover Miles’ thoughts as it shows the way he goes from feeling like he has no chance with Carrie and wanting nothing more than to disappear for even thinking he would, to wanting to make a move, but not being confident enough to, to resigning to his fate and wanting nothing more than for her to be happy, even if it breaks his heart in the process. I just feel like, despite the song being fun and energetic, the lyrics tell the story quite well. 

Lizzy McAlpine: I have a few songs that come to mind for different scenarios, but not all of them make the most sense, so I’ll put the ones that sort of do.

Pancakes for Dinner - This could be for a few different couples, honestly. My first instinct is either Royce and Vivien or Mick and Butchy. It’s essentially just an admission of things stuck in the person’s head, spilling out ideas that they’ve thought of before, but been too shy to say out loud, but I just really like the idea of one of them writing it out in the early stages of their relationships or even before they get together and are just friends, wanting more and the other finding it at some point later on in the relationship and either confronting them or singing it to them.

reckless driving - This is a song for Juliet and Xander which is ironic as I hardly ever write them anymore, but I feel like this could be the tragic end to their story if she let him take her on a drive after breaking up with him. I mean, the contrast between her side of the story and his, the steadily growing intensity, and the back and forth between the two before the eventual sudden end of the song - it feels like Xander and Juliet. His obsession could get them killed if they aren’t careful and, in this song, that’s exactly what it does.

ceilings - Now, this one is something I’ve been mostly picturing for my novel version of the story, but I’ll tell you how I see it anyway. Mick and Butchy (his name is different in the novel for copyright reasons 😣) have taken an interest in each other, but Mick holds back her feelings as she knows that the world Butchy is from is nothing more than a pocket of time still stuck in what was once a 1960s sitcom. As much as she loves him, she can’t admit her feelings for him as she knows they live completely different lives. More than once during her stay in the nearby town of St. Pete Beach, he drives her home and, with each drive, she grows more and more fond of him before, eventually, he kisses her. That night, she realizes that, although she couldn’t be happier, he isn’t real. He’s nothing more than pixels on a screen and, sooner or later, she’ll have to leave with her family to return to California.

Selena Gomez: I love Selena Gomez and some of her songs just bring me through different scenarios that just appear out of thin air lol

People You Know - This is another Juliet song, but instead of entirely revolving around her relationship with Xander, it also represents her friendships with the others in The Sparx group. When she broke things off with him, they all kept their distance from her so as to not anger Xander more. She lost all of the people she was closest to in a matter of moments - hence the song.

Bad Liar - Tell me this isn’t another Miles and Carrie song. I mean, come on! It could definitely be something from before they get together, but regardless of that, they definitely share this song. Miles has the first verse - “I was walking down the street the other day, trying to distract myself, but then I see your face” and “Call me an amenity even if it’s in my dreams” are all him! Carrie takes the second verse as it reads almost as though she’s watching him at first and allowing thoughts of being something more to come through - “I see how your attention build; it’s like looking in a mirror” and “Paint my kiss across your chest. If you’re the art, I’ll be the brush.” Honestly, this song just reads as the tense, in-between stage where they’re friends, but they both want something more than that, but won’t say it, let alone admit it.

Florence +The Machine:

The Dog Days Are Over - This one is one I can see for a few different places. I always use the chorus as motivation to run (for obvious reasons lmao) and I can see it working well during a relay race at the end of Camp Wanamaker where each cabin has to work together to make it from one end of camp to the flagpole at the main office. Some more chaotic versions of this song are in dangerous situations (like in Through the Valley where they're running from infected), but I think having it be a light, fun scene is more entertaining as of right now.

Swimming - This is probably one of the songs I most associate with a mermaid/siren story, but it can also work fairly well for other things. I guess it just screams mermaid to me as I spent most of my time watching H2O as a kid.

ABBA: Boy are there a lot of these, but I'll narrow it down a bit.

Voulez-Vous - As if I needed more motivation for a story I already wrote a sequel for, here's another song that makes me feel like writing a prequel to Glory and Gore/Scattered Screams. This is a song that drives me to want to write about how Mack and Brady won their Hunger Games as well as how they fell in love and, honestly, if I wasn't already knee-deep in other stories, I just might!

Waterloo - Originally the title for How History Repeats Itself, this song has been on my list for ages mostly for the line "The history book on the shelf is always repeating itself." I just really like the song and the lyrics could play a big part in a story at some point, if things go the way I hope they do!

Dancing Queen - This one just always makes me dance and I feel like this song is what Vivien would have blasted for her seventeenth birthday. Tell me Carrie wouldn't drag her up on stage or something and make her sing along with her and make sure that she has the time of her life!

Angeleyes - This one I can't go into too much detail as I might have plans for this song in Camp Wanamaker. I'm not sure about it yet, but I might. Just know that I love this song and have every intention of making this one hurt!

TikToks:

I don't have a lot of TikToks to put here just yet as I usually scroll Pinterest when I get the chance, but I do have a few that I thought would be fun.

This is how Royce prom-poses to Viv, don't bother telling me otherwise as I just won't accept it. Obviously, there would be a few changes, but the premise remains the same as I think it's just too epic to pass up.

This fits two different scenarios, in my head. One is the Murphy brothers and the other is when Miles moves in with Butchy and Lela. They discover this and have fun for hours.

Tell me Vivien and Riven don't do tricks like this on the ice all the time when Royce is around just to give him a heart attack each time.

Vivien does covers of songs like this in her room all the time when she's not practicing with the band and, while they don't exactly go viral or anything, she just enjoys posting her having fun on the drums.

This is Vivien with Miles. Tell me otherwise.

If Bentley ever cat-sat for Royce while he was on a trip for school or something, this would be the video he would send him to show him that the cat owns the house now. Royce would, in turn, send this to Vivien, asking her if he should be concerned.

After hours upon hours of listening to ABBA in the car with both her mom and Aunt Vivien, they begin to hear a tiny voice in the backseat and, one day, they catch this on the way to the mall for a girl's day. A few years later, when Butchy's driving Maisie, Leilana, and Milo (his and Mick's kids) to the playground for the afternoon, he catches them singing along to the radio in the backseat sort of like this and realizes he might have fucked up.

Also, as a final little thing here, I get a lot of my baking ideas from B. Dylan Hollis. This one is actually a snack I get every summer at the carnival and in my hometown at a seasonal restaurant as they make the best deep-fried candy in the world! My personal favorite is deep-fried peanut butter cups, but it's the same concept.

Adding this in here as I forgot to before, but you can’t tell me this isn’t their family game night. I have seen this family a lot on my fyp and I can totally imagine the gang getting up to this kind of chaos. The whole gang would be there and, somehow, Riven convinces them to play Cards Against Humanity. Regardless of who has which card and who has to read all of the answer cards, Butchy would be the dad in every scenario, 100%! I feel like the goal of the game would be to consistently give the most uncomfortable answers to Butchy to see how long it would take for him to make them put the game away.

Anyway, that's it for today! I am off to visit my great-aunt and grab something for dinner before getting back to work on Camp Wanamaker since I wanted to make sure I finished this post today lmao. I hope you have amazing rest of your day! All the love! 💕

[class1akids]

Different person here. I agree with some of your points, but AM coming for the physical battle itself looks good in paper but when you take into account his arc it doesnt really doest (imo).

As you said, you dont need a quirk or be a battler to be hero. Hatsume and the saving of Eri by music are a amazing examples. You even acknowledge that. But AM coming to fight literally counteracts all of those points. His arc after Kamino always has been about if he can be hero without his quirk. He felt useless BECAUSE he couldnt fight the villains head on. And now he is fighting the villain head on 😐

AM encoureging Shoto, Iida, Deku and being a symbol of heroism and inspiration was the true heroics and not the fighter AM, and Stain said that to him. He trowing himself into a fight he cant win just summons a DarkDeku vibe where he is centering all of his value in being a sacrifice/fighter/purpose and not the inspiring force or a person he was building up to. Anyone could be the big and strong wall AM was back then but not everyone could be a Toshinhori Yagi and this is Deku's arc. Anyone could be the number one hero like AM was but not everyone can be the symbol of hope Toshinori Yagi was and this is Enji's arc. Anyone could stand there and be a distraction to AFO like everyone at Gunga but they arent Toshinori Yagi, a force who is able to inspire Iida and Shoto to keep going. Toshinori fighting AFO here is being AM the hero tasked with beating AFO and ending his terror, and not Toshinori Yagi the person who guides the next generation and gives them support beyond the physical and pratical form. Granted, this could change on Hori's execution but this goes for everything in fiction. Like, i would love if this AM was a hologram. It would be so fucking funny to see AFO's dumb face raging on that.

You dont need to fight ppl to save ppl, and AM is shrinking his value AGAIN to fight ppl to be a hero. Not taking into account all the vestige stuff it could lead to, but if his idea is to die so he could help Deku inside OFA just makes this even worse bcs he is shrinking himself to OFA. This is where i think these ppl where/are coming from.

When i first read the chapther i was so hyped but when i analyzed it better it didnt make sense with AM's arc or the whole vibe of even if you are not a fighter you could be a hero.

If it looked like i had a sharp a tone it was not my intention. English is not my first language and sometimes i have a harder time in expressing myself.

I get what you are saying, but I disagree. All Might didn’t put on an armoured suit to lead the troops into battle. He didn’t steal Deku’s or Endeavor’s or whoever’s role.

He planned and stayed in command center until things went really downhill. He only moved to join the physical fight as a last resort and we still don’t even know if there is more to his plan.

But most importantly, the reason he is an inspirational figure is precisely because he does this. Because he can’t not take the risk or make the sacrifice.

Right now, it seems like the choice was to throw Shouto at AFO, knowing full well that his mind is elsewhere, plus that if he doesn’t go to Gunga, his family will die or All Might tries to do it himself.

He chose not to sacrifice Shouto and all the people at Gunga and make a stand himself. It sounds like his plan is to play for time and taunt AFO. It’s a reasonable plan. He’s got a much better chance at engaging AFO than nearly anyone else.

If they had a lot of options, I’d agree that he’s acting foolish. But right now, it seems to me that he’s taking the same risks as everyone else, and to me, that’s how he can stay authentic. (And not the kind of old guy leader who rests on the merits of a glorious past, and send children into a meat grinder while he takes on the role of the inspirational leader. Honestly, if you look around the world today, you can see exactly these kind of people… I don’t want All Might to become this kind of relic…)

Idols / gods can and do fall from the pedestal.

[m1kedefendr]

Why Mileven is just not healthy (not about byler)

If you want to ship Mileven, go ahead. They’re cute, i get it. But you cannot sit here and tell me that canonically they have a healthy and happy relationship. You cannot tell me they are meant to be. Here’s why (without me mentioning byler AT ALL)

1. Eleven was literally trapped in a lab and traumatized for her ENTIRE life. from the moment she was born to when she was about 12, she was stuck in this lab. She had no real concept of family, friends, or relationships. She had no real concept of how the world worked.

2. Ben is the first instance of safety that she’s ever experienced, and he gets shot by the people who had her trapped.

3. Mike is the very second instance of safety, and her FIRST look into love. After Mike let’s her in his basement, he is now her main source of safety. He is becoming her comfort because he is NICE and he is CARING. yet behind the scenes, he’s agreeing to send her to a mental hospital where he thinks she escaped from…

4. Mike consistently is back and forth on El the whole time they’re looking for Will. One minute he trusts her and the next he’s asking “what’s wrong with you?” and “why did you lie?”. He parallels Brenner in s1 (and more throughout the show)

5. El was literally gone for almost all of s2. Mike cared a bit, yeah, but he was mostly focused on Will.

6. S3 is where they go even further downhill, its the first look we get into their actual relationship, and it’s literally all just making out and isolating from their friends. I get it, they’re like 13, but really? Look at Lumax. Lumax can easily navigate their relationship and friendships.

7. El is becoming her own person when she’s hanging out with Max, Max is encouraging her to be herself and find things SHE likes. Mike doesn’t like this, and consistently claims that Max is corrupting her.

8. Mike literally couldn’t care less when El dumped his ass. Look at his face. yeah i know he went and was asking how to fix it blah blah blah, but srsly? he just let her run away. (i said i wouldn’t mention byler but he literally biked across town in the rain to apologize to Will so we know he’s capable of apologizing on his own)

9. Mike might say “i love her and i can’t lose her again”, but what does he do when he finds out El heard it? He lies. “i don’t remember what i said”. She tells him she loves him too and kissed him, he stands there with his eyes wide open. He looks shocked. When she walks out he’s still staring, he looks like he just realized he fucked up.

10. S4, Mike can’t even write “I love you” to El. If he loved her, like he said in s3, why wouldn’t he be able to even write it?

11. My absolute favorite, the way the two of them cannot be themselves with each other. El is lying in her letters to Mike. She doesn’t have friends, she’s not doing good in California. She needs to make up new interesting things about herself because she lost her powers, and she thinks Mike only likes her for her powers. (she thinks everyone only likes her for her powers, it’s how she was raised) Mike is dressing up like some dad going to hawaii on vacation, and pretending he’s not some huge nerd because El never showed interest in his nerdy side. (in his true self).

12. Mike has another parallel with Brenner after he sees what El did to Angela with the roller skate. This reinforces El’s idea that Mike is scared of her, and only likes her when she’s using her powers to defeat monsters.

13. Mike and El argue about Mike not being able to say he loves her, and He is so insistent he does but will not say the words. Not even while she’s sobbing to him over it. He says she’s blowing it out of proportion. He tells her she’s a superhero, and she says “not anymore”

14. El writes that she’s gone to become a superhero again, this is the first time she doesn’t write love.

15. El’s entire time at area 11 and in NINA is her learning she has the power to control her own life. She can be who she wants to be, she can find her own identity. She is not a superhero. She is not a monster. She is Jane Hopper.

16. Mike’s monologue was nothing that El wanted to hear. It was so hypocritical. From the fact that Will was the one who had to urge him to say anything while she was dying, to the fact that he called her a superhero ONCE AGAIN. we can infer from earlier she does NOT want to be considered a superhero. she wants to be her own person, separate from her powers. that’s what she’s learned this entire season. Mike also says he loved her the moment they saw her, that his life started that day they found her in the woods. That is simply not true at all. If Mike had fallen in love at first sight, he would’ve never considered sending her to Pennhurst. If Mike’s life had started that day, he wouldn’t have been so easy to let her go when they saw the fake body get pulled out of the quarry. Even Lucas was telling him to lay off her in that moment, LUCAS. The guy who was the only one with real logical thinking the entire first season. He didn’t trust El from the beginning, but even he knew Mike was going overboard.

Let’s draw my conclusion from these little notes of everything i’ve written. El is traumatized. She is still figuring herself out and realizing what is friendship, what is family, and what is love. She didn’t know any better, so she got with Mike because she thought that because they kissed and he cares for her, that it’s romantic love. Mike, on the surface level (because i’m not talking about byler) got with El because she was the FIRST girl that ever showed interest in him, Lucas said it himself in season 1. Mike is canonically insecure about himself and he latched on to the first girl that liked him. Mike needs to feel needed, and he needs to know that someone loves him for who he TRULY is. El doesn’t want to need anyone. she wants to be independent and have family and friends. They just don’t fit together, they can’t support each other’s needs. With El’s character arc this season, mileven being endgame would be an assassination on her character.

[the-kipsabian]

just wanted to say thank you to everyone for today, i love you all 💜

im putting the rest under a read more, in case you wanna stop reading here, but um. trigger warning for suicidal thoughts

i tried writing this yesterday but it didnt come out right, but after dealing double with these emotions and then some today it feels like i can finally kinda put things into words that maybe make sense

i guess everythings just kinda hitting me very hard right now cause ive been 31 for four hours now and its just. in my brain right now that i didnt think i'd see this day honestly. like i had doubts about this even as lately as earlier this week. literally two days ago. so its kinda like. very mixed feelings. ive been thinking a lot about how i dont deserve this, deserve to be here, that im taking this space away from someone else. i dont know why, but its just how ive been viewing my existence lately

this year has been rough to say the least. yes i know ive had some incredible ups as well, but rarely have i felt like i deserved them in the end for one reason or another. ive struggled immensely, ive been going a steady downhill since the change of the year with no idea how to change it or when to change it. its been incredibly taxing mentally, and im just.. idk. oftentimes its just very overwhelming as youve probably noticed

it all just kinda came together today, with the previous thoughts as well as being largely ignored by my family today. like i know im very low contact with most of them, but when you have two people completely forget you and one only talking about themselves and asking when youre going to give them grandkids and start a family "since youre old now" it just.. sucks a lot. ofc this is beautifully balanced out by every friend thats been so wonderful today (literally had one busy friend jump into a voice call with us earlier just to tell me he remembered my birthday like... it means so much honestly) but. yeah. idk it just makes me feel like im at the age now where since i dont have life figured out im very useless and not worth their attention and..

i dont know what life brings these next 365 days. i really dont. all i can hope that it brings something that lets me keep going. its a tough topic for me to talk and think about rn but i feel like its better for me at this point to bring these out either way cause.. for whatever reason and somehow im still here. the fact that i saw through the entire day when i turned 31 just feels very significant right now. knowing i passed another safe point makes me feel safer tonight, no matter how much ive cried both good and bad tears tonight

thats all i think. just.. just wanted to get this out. i love you all, thank you for existing in my phone even if i dont talk to like anyone regularly cause im so mentally exhausted by just having thoughts on the regular its really hard for me. thank you 💜

[itsgoghtime]

@nobody33333333​ and @sophieswundergarten​ - here we go again my friends! I have been so excited to share this with you and finally had the time to finish it!!

Chapter 3 of S.O.S. - what a wild ride - literally took me through the seven stages of grief like four times. But honestly, wouldn’t trade any of it for the world because wow - it was such a good chapter and it just keeps getting better from here!

So put on your scuba gear because this chapter post has quite a few thoughts as well!

Spoilers for S.O.S. Chapter 3 : No One at the Wheel ahead!!

This chapter literally DeStRoYeD me emotionally

I mean… just WOW - I have not legitimately shed tears during a fic before, but this... this surpassed all and there were many MANY tears shed.

First initial thoughts - Curtain at his best, enjoying his success (and I’m sure hoping that Nicholas was paying attention) while hiding in his lil safe space. Absolutely hysterical in the sort of way that I see myself.

I adore the nod to the aesthetic beauty that is campus - it really is quite stunning, and I’m sure so much thought went into designing it (in the show and in this fic).

Garrison. I love that she’s on the mend but then knowing what she has to go through even just in this chapter... ouch - I was in a perfect state of ignorance when I first read it

And then we get into Curtain being not only selected as Pedalian’s best man (and his lil negotiation of not doing a speech hehe) but also SQ’s gOdFaThEr mY hEaRt

The line of “Curtain covered up how touched he was at the offer with the same dismissive attitude with which he accepted his role as Pedalian’s best man.” and then saying SQ had “better be well behaved”. AND THEN Pedalian understanding what that means in Curtain language - my heavens friend

I’m trying to remember if it was you, @nobody33333333 , that I was talking to about this - but going back and looking through this reminded me that we don’t know Pedalian’s first name - and for some reason this hit home especially going through Chapter 3. We feel like we know Pedalian, but reading the fic and even watching the show, you get this sense that while Pedalian had a very special friendship with Curtain, that there’s a sense of distance. There’s a sense that you don’t really have the chance to know him because he’s masked behind Curtain’s idea of him. There’s definitely more to it but that’s how much I’ve thought through recently.

Baby SQ has my heart. No questions asked. He thinks of the other S.O.S. members as his family from day one and I just... YES

The stem from “Strange, but also wonderful. As if that part of Curtain that had spent so much time longing for his own family, longing for Nicholas to come back, was finally beginning to heal itself.” and all the ideas surrounding it - his realization that he doesn’t feel jealous or isolated - that acceptance of Pedalian as family, GAHHHHH - as someone who is trying to heal, it helps to see someone have a moment like this where they realize that the present circumstances are alright and that it is safe - and that it’s okay to accept the present as reality without diminishing the experience of the past. It’s just sad that Curtain isn’t able to live in this reality for very long.

Pedalian having to process his wife’s health going downhill and losing some of his initial spark... the line about “they were watching a friend die so fast and yet so slowly before their eyes...” it’s all masterfully written.

Milligan and his wife going on this vacation to the mountains is so something that Kate would enjoy - and knowing their future brings me a simultaneous feeling of sadness and joy.

Can I just say... the foreshadowing of SQ kinda confusing Curtain with his dad - and how he gets excited when he sees him and Curtain’s subsequent telling SQ that he is not his father... GAHHHH there is so much to unpack just from this but to save you from my novel of thoughts in this area, in short, I really like these lines and being able to think about that comparison not only within the future of the fic, but the comparison with their relationship in the show as well.

okay and then the conversation between Pedalian’s wife and Curtain - and recognizing Pedalian’s downward spiral of emotions - connected with the line about Pedalian lighting up at seeing SQ smile - and then “...that was the one time Curtain could see glimpses of his old friend through the melancholy that seemed to surround him on all sides.” my hEaRt

Curtain promising Pedalian’s wife to take care of them... GOOD HEAVENS with the “And he meant it too. Ledroptha Curtain wasn’t the kind of person who broke his promises. That was someone else. Someone long forgotten.” He has truly begrudgingly been taking care of Pedalian - there’s this sense of responsibility and knowing what happens... GAHHH

Pedalian using the Whisperer without safety or supervision... this poor man will do literally anything to save the people he loves - and I feel like a very small portion of this passes to Curtain. The line, as cheesy as it is in the memes going around recently that says “To be loved is to be changed” comes into play here - even if Curtain doesn’t completely change, I think we can see in a couple small, rare instances that he does take this small part of Pedalian with him.

Pedalian doesn’t want SQ to grow up without a family - and while Milligan does bring up this adopted family that they all have with each other, it’s understandable on both sides. ouch.

Going back and reading Pedalian’s goodbye absolutely ripped me to shreds... again - because you can totally see how he’s conveying his goodbye (the HUG, ahhhhhh), and you can see the premeditation of going back to the Whisperer - and the culmination of it all coming back to Curtain hugging him back and being vulnerable - there’s a part of me that is so sad thinking about how it seems that every time this man is vulnerable - while he gets in better control of his narcolepsy - something happens or people leave (Nicholas getting adopted, Pedalian dying, etc) - and the fact that Curtain recognizes this fact... friend...

Finding Pedalian is the next part that was so SO sad. Because at first, Curtain is... well, Curtain. And then the scene progresses and we can see that Pedalian is clearly not okay, and watching Curtain’s progression from “disappointed mom voice” to freaking out because Pedalian is literally shriveling and decomposing - and the whole not being able to stop the Whisperer because it seems to be overheating - AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Pedalian dying was hard enough - but can I just say, being able to kind of read this conversation in sync after reading his wife’s part... my HEAVENS this is so beautifully written and it’s so SAD

There’s a part of me that wanted to laugh at Curtain’s “Go home, drink some water, lay down for a bit.” because of course he would tell someone to process it that way, kinda just saying to get over it - but knowing Garrison’s concern about her inventions and seeing her friend dead next to it, and knowing the guilt that would literally tear anyone apart... and then knowing that Curtain blames himself partly as well... I couldn’t bring myself to laugh.

Ripping the phone receiver off the wall and across the room - I can see his frustration but there is also so much symbolism in this - Pedalian was really the only member of the S.O.S. that Curtain really felt like he could be remotely vulnerable with, the only member that he really considered family - the only member that Curtain seemed to genuinely communicate with. And tearing the phone receiver off the wall seemed to me like the perfect way to convey his processing of Pedalian’s death. He’s not going to openly communicate with his other friends and teammates after this - Pedalian, his method of open communication, or almost his medium, I should say, is gone. Beautiful.

I also think it’s so interesting the lengths that Curtain had to go to in order to keep his facade up. I know the reasoning, but you can just see that panic of trying to pull it all together and not understanding the reason that it all happened but still trying to maintain that front that he has created for the Institute.

The moment that he realizes that Garrison is in trouble... you can really feel the panic - and finding her in the state that she’s in would be absolutely terrifying. That was so well portrayed in this scene - with “Curtain felt as if the world was crumbling around him. He picked her up, grabbed the telephone, and was about to call an ambulance before he realized the full gravity of the situation.” I mean, that would be freaky.

Curtain pacing the hospital hallway is definitely within his character - and with everything that he had been through within that last 18 hours or so, he would be running on adrenaline and guilt. His friend has just passed, and now his other friend is in danger too - that would be quite the burden to carry.

I’m so curious as to why Garrison is afraid of rehab centers - but I can also understand that she’s been dealing with that issue for years, and that would be quite the emotional task to admit you need that level of help - and knowing the judgement that some people dish out... but I also think she may have a past experience from one either from herself, or from someone she knew and that’s why she’s afraid.

“’She should consider herself lucky to have a friend like you... You got here just in time. Saved her life, really.’” ouchhhhhhh BUT you can also see where Curtain may begin to see her as in debt to him - and that may have fed into his treatment of her as time passes, especially considering that he really expresses that sort of authority and moral high ground later on. He saved her life. Not the other way around.

Curtain totally ignoring the doctor’s “you need therapy” speech - that’s understandable but totally plays into his life later. I think it’s so interesting with this context that he becomes a self-help guru in season two but can’t get it to work on himself... there’s some irony there for sure.

Having all this emotion going on - I, myself almost forgot about SQ - which must have been so hard if you think about it, especially when SQ calms down when Curtain takes him - he’s not even listening to the nurse but the line of “He prided himself in being the type of person who could handle a crisis, but after losing two friends, nearly losing another, and now being thrown this responsibility all in one day, he felt himself reaching his breaking point.” this one was just... you can really feel for him - but you can also see how this really puts him on the trajectory for what he’s doing which is also really sad.

I am just so curious as to where Curtain learned the one handed hold of a child - did he watch Pedalian and his wife often enough, did he babysit SQ often, did he just have to get used to doing things one handed as a scientist... idk I just like to speculate but that line that I highlighted made it sound like he’s done this before.

The absolute shock learning that the cancer was taken by Pedalian and that his wife was 100% cured... I had to put the phone down for a minute. That was a big deal. Curtain recognizes it too, it’s a scientific breakthrough especially because it’s still really just in testing mode. Him asking if the autopsies were switched was definitely a thought that had crossed my mind - it’s happened before in other pieces of literature or stories or even real scenarios. I think it was almost more of a shock to find out that they hadn’t been switched. Again, that’s a very significant scientific breakthrough. Just... wow.

I can understand why he has them make up fake autopsies, but it is just something kinda funny to add to the list of things Curtain has/will do to maintain his facade. Chuckled a little bit at that one.

Again, I think it’s kinda hilarious that he just seems to have this second nature with SQ - it’s endearing in some sort of way but it kinda makes you sad when you think about how this sort of endearing behavior doesn’t act as a catalyst for more affection later and that their relationship doesn’t... really develop.

AND THEN Curtain realizing that Pedalian had said goodbye... that would be absolutely awful to process. And then he ties it to Nicky... my HEART - he then breaks down crying and honestly, I would too - that is just... so much to deal with. 

Now we have the context for “No One at the Wheel” and I literally screamed through this part - partly out of joy and partly out of pain because it makes so much sense. I just want to put that line here because it can never be said enough, it’s so well written: “He felt like he was watching a bus full of children, with no one at the wheel, roll steadily but swiftly down a steep hill towards a cliff. And as much as he desparately wanted to stop it, to do anything to stop it, all he could do is stand there and witness the inevitable. Watch as innocent people died before hie eyes. Watch as everyone he loved left in one way or another.” I don’t feel like there’s much else to say - this is a symphony of words and I just... I love it. I can see the symbolism, I can see the reasoning behind it, and that last part about watching the people he loved leave... that one hit home.

I can completely understand his emotion in that next paragraph - “As selfish, impractical, and childish as Curtain knew it was, he was angry. Angry at all of them for abandoning him and angrier at himself for feeling like he needed any of them in the first place. It was unfair. Everything was out of control. And there was no one to help him stop it.” and then we get this line “Nathaniel Benedict was alone again.” I just lost it with these two. Kinda like I said in that review of the first chapter - even before we really got into the plot - as someone who is trying to heal, I really needed to read this. I get it. And this put it into words.

I want to say I was surprised that he had another narcoleptic seizure, but I’m not. That would take a lot of energy and admittance of emotion to go through what he’s been through this entire chapter. The line about “How had he been so careless? He had allowed himself to feel for a moment - only a moment. And in doing so, he had nearly broken another promise to his friends. The promise to protect their son.” that one hurt but you can see his ideology about supressing his emotion and his care for his friends.

poor lil SQ - you just want to hold that kid, ya know?

Can I just say, I can really appreciate Curtain’s fatherly instincts in these next scenes, and just wish that he hadn’t been so preoccupied with taking over the world so that SQ could have had that side of him more.

oh my heavens the lines about SQ knowing he was being given away, and his subsequent reaching for Curtain and calling him “Da” absolutely broke me

Curtain’s “Don’t look at me like that.” and the business mode “This is for your own good... It’s only for a few months, and then I’m sure Wetherall and his wife will take you in. They love kids and have always wanted a big family. You’ll be happier there, and you’ll be better off without me. I’m sorry your father learned that the hard way.”  AND “Again, I’m not your father.” - this feels like the opposite of Luke Skywalker finding out Darth Vader was his dad - like if he went to Vader and was like “You’re my father” and Vader was like “Nah dude”

Baby SQ - he just has my heart in his tiny hands and his tears could fill an ocean. And Curtain recognizing his smile that reminds him so much of Pedalian and of Nicholas, and telling him “It’s not that I don’t want you... It’s me, not you. I wouldn’t know how to be a good parent.” 

I also really appreciated the loopholes and stipulations that I’m sure Curtain has gone through to decide how to best deal with and simultaneously hide his narcolepsy.

And then the way that he talks about Nicholas... oh my gOoD gRaCiOuS - that’s why it looks like a small intestine with the highlights on that one - I just loved how you wrote all of that. I can’t even pick favorite parts of it. It goes through everything that I think Curtain would really - deep down - think about Nicholas. Talking about his disappointment as Nicky began suppressing his laughter. How he loved his smile. Calling Nicky an angel. His thinking that “someone as kind and loving as his perfect brother didn’t want him, couldn’t love him.” GAH - and trying to make that connection to SQ, telling him that Nicholas would have loved him... and then his tears. I just CAN’T - my hEaRt

OHMY GOOD GRACIOUS - and then his apology - I don’t know how you came up with this but this is just... straight from the heart, I swear. It’s just... you can see how he blames himself but is trying to keep that benevolence that he talks about. That hit home. And the “you paid the price for it.” to SQ... geez ya know, we just couldn’t catch a break this chapter - but it’s so beautiful.

The highlight page with the heart - again, cannot choose a favorite part. Curtain is really just this hurt and broken and lost person - I don’t condone his actions, because you shouldn’t control the world through their minds cause that’s wrong, but I can understand his emotions.

lil SQ - cannot and will not ever get over him. It’s like, I’d want to adopt him too. Who wouldn’t? and then it capstones with Curtain’s line - “Well, now you know the truth about me. I’m a monster who drives everyone I love away, and I’m... I’m the reason you lost your birth family. Do you still want me as a dad?” and the lil curling into Curtain and clinging to his jacket... this kid has my heart. Curtain’s reluctant “Fine... but just for tonight.”

Again, where in the world did Curtain’s affectionate fatherly instincts go later? The moment where he kisses SQ’s forehead and tells him goodnight had my heart... that man had potential to really actually be a really good father. Granted, there are definitely moments in the next few chapters where that part of him kinda shines through and brings me so much joy - but as time goes on, I think he suppresses that more and it’s sad.

———

Overall, this chapter had my heart open like a can of mandarin oranges. I just absolutely loved how it was written, all the different things that had so much meaning - this is a masterpiece. 

I think I really began to realize at the end of this chapter that the both have their found family. Nicholas currently has his found family - we can see that in books and in the show. But after reading this chapter, I love the parallels between them both. Curtain has his found family as well - and it all accumulates in SQ at the end. 

This is just... like I have stated before, this is everything to me. Hopefully my next updates won’t take as long - I’ve compiled all the highlights into their respective groups so it should be easier to put together!

[allfather-we-stan]

A little life update "summer 22 with no solid poo"

for anyone who cares lol

as some of you may have seen from my other social medias and here, my health has gone to pretty downhill and I want to share my story and explain bc idk

And for not to scare anyone, no its im not deadly ill. Im prob gonna be just fine.

gross warning i talk about poop

So umm this all started at the end of may- start of june when i started having diarreah. no biggie, i get anxiety diarreah like once a week so i didnt think much of it at the time. Only took me like few more weeks for straight diarreah to realize that something may be wrong lol. So i joked about it and let it be. I call this summer "Summer 22 with no solid poo" and wanted to wait till august to go to doctor. Then i got covid. So i had to wait that out before going to the hospital.

And finally the day I got to go to the doctor and everything was fine, i was supposed to get blood work tested and maybe poop in a container and the doctor thought that it might be celiac-disease bc that runs in my family. But i got fever straight as i got home. I didn't feel so good. The fever continued for a couple of days and then we decided its time to go to ER.

We went there, got bloodwork done etc. Waited there like 6 hours and finallly at 9pm the doctor had time to see me and turns out my inflammatory values were super high and that theyd like me to stay at the hospital for a while. So i stayed at the hospital for 7 days.

In those 7 days they took so much bloodwork from me it was insane! (and fun fact, turns out my veins are shit and no one can find a good spot to draw blood or put an IV tube in). For a couple of days, no answers. They had no idea whats wrong with me. My fever rise and they gave me antibiotics and other meds. Went to the ultrasound and nothing. And then, they had to give me a observation aka "put a little camera up my ass".

But bc i live in a small city theres like one doctor who does that and his schedule was full. So I had long long days waiting for my appointment. And they got me on friday.

But before we get to the camera up my ass part. Hell was loose. They had to "clean" my bowels. And they told me, and I QOUTE "It's either 1: drink two cups of this cocktail that tastes like orange juice or 2: drink 3 litres of water". Obv i took the orange juice! It cant be that bad! WRONG! JESUS CHRIST I WAS WRONG.

As soon as i drank the bad tasting orange drink, i felt like throwing up. Then the pain came. Oh god the pain. It was like level 10 menstrual cramp kind of pain. I was literally crying and screaming bc it hurt so bad. Only thing that helped at the moment was to stay still but i couldnt do that bc i had to shit out the cocktail like every 5 minutes. Many times i thought to just shit my pants on the bed and not let that be my problem. I was in so much pain I was in panic mode. And the worst thing was, no one warned me. They didn't even mention that it might hurt with some people. I don't remember all bc panic lol but i remember this one bitch ass nurse going "Duh its gonna hurt it has big chemicals in it! Even gas can hurt inside bowels". I would have punched her if I wasnt shitting at the time. Then the nurses took their sweet time to get me painkillers and nausea meds. But I couldnt take those bc i felt like throwing up. And then I remember a doctor came. He was nice and explained to me that it hurts bc the orange juice made my bowels like spasm to clean it. I was like "lol thanks for warning me beforehand". Some time goes, they give me that yummy tranquilizer trough IV and I'm high asf. It still hurt but atleast i was high. Then came the cup number 2! I tried to drink it, immeadetly i threw it up like no way that stayed down. And again, panic bc idk what happens next. Do i need to do this all again? Is my bowel clean? Am i gonna be okay? And then i passed out and slept trough the night.

And at this point, on a serious point. WHY THE FUCK IS TELLING PATIENCE THAT THIS THING X IS GONNA HURT SO FUCKING TABOO??? Like i get it, you dont want to scare people but a little heads up would be better than nothing! I just wish someone had told me.

Okay, morning comes, its friday, camera about to go up my ass. they give me nice tranquilizer again, YUMMY. Im high again. they roll me to the operation room, and the nice nurses and a doctor explains whats gonna happen. ( I knew this was gonna hurt beforehand bc they gave me the tranquilizer and figures). At this point they tell me that going up my ass is the hardest part and hurts but after that its easier. Im like okay i can do this, im high and im a big boy! So there i was, laying on my side, doctor rips hole in my underwear to put the camera up my ass. And there it goes, felt weird. Then this stinging pain comes and i curse. Nice nurse lady notices and presses against my tummy and the pain gets easier. They tell me to take a deep breath everytime the pain eases. I do. I'm breathing so good baby you wouldnt believe ( still fucking high). And that thing happens over and over again for like, maybe 3-4 minutes but felt much longer. Sometimes the pain was larger but the nice nurse always pressed my tummy and i, kind of, farted the pain out? It's weird but you get it. Then i hear the words of heaven "We are there"! THE WORST IS BEHIND. I'm happy! I turn around, look at the screen where i can somehow see ( didnt have my glasses) the inside of my bowel part. And i said "ew" and turned my head back. I dont wanna see that. it was pink. Then the doctor spoke something doctorly that i didnt understand. They spend a minute inside my ass doing... doctor stuff and then they took the camera out. It didnt hurt just felt weird, like taking a weirdly shaped long shit. And then they were like "lol we done! We gonna take these samples to the lab asap!" And I was like "you took samples?". THEY TOOK PIECES OF THE INSIDE OF MY ASS WTF.

okay its done, im still high and after couple of hours, they let me go home. I'm happy. I'm feeling good. Life was good. Untill the next morning.

I felt bad again, I threw up at night and I had a mild fever. We call the ER to ask what we do. They tell me that i havent drank enough liquids. So for the next two days I drank so much water you wont believe but i still felt bad and had a fever. So off to ER again!

We went there, they were like lol again bloodwork. At this point im sure i have no blood left. Then we waited and waited and they take some more blood and wait again. Results come back. My inflammatory values were high again. They again want me to stay at the hospital overnight. Hospital booked full. I wait. And finally its time. They take me to a 2 person room, as a 3rd guy. Like it was so cramped and I didnt even have the emergency button. Everything is overwhelming. It smelled like shit. I cried. it was a horrible experience and i can go all night about how shit it was but ill skip it at this point.

So i spend like two nights at the hospital, and they finally have the results in about the pieces of my ass they took. they dont know what it is. THEY HAVE NO CLUE. But atleast they got me meds that work and i dont have a fever anymore. But its like 5 different meds. They make me nauseous and tired. So its not going that well now but atleast im in a good shape to be at home rn.

Im still waiting for more results and follow-up things at the hospital. I'll update as I get to those. Thanks for reading, feel free to ask any questions and stay healthy lmao.