#It's bittersweet but I truly think this will be better for my mental health in the end!

[the-doomed-witch]

✦ You’re An Idiot & I Love You

Wanda Maximoff x Fem!Reader

Summary: After Thanos, you and Wanda quit the team to live a peaceful life together, trying to leave behind the trauma. (Read warnings)

Word Count: 4.0k

Author’s Note: hello here’s another fic, i’ve been working on it since almost a week :) i cannot stop listening to 305 by shawn mendes so i based the latter part of this fic on the song <3 the initial part is just a vent fic lmao. i’m thinking of writing a part two, but i don’t really know. my gif btw!

Warnings: 18+ MINORS+MEN DNI. traumatic past events, post-war trauma, flashbacks & nightmares, smut, thigh riding, fingering, praise kink, names (princess), a little angst, fluffy | best friends to lovers

Masterlist

YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO REPOST OR COPY MY WORK.

— ✦ —

You hit the pause button on your phone, look at the clouds and sigh. The park near your home is an amazing place to be, with all its flora, and a clearer view of the sky. Cities are so full of buildings, it’s almost impossible to see a clear sky outside the park anymore.

Whenever anxiety comes over, sitting on the park bench and listening to white noise helps you calm down. It also helps Wanda know where to take you when you aren’t at your best.

Sometimes she would hold your hand and sit next to you, listening to the same sound in a different pair of headphones. It’s truly therapeutic for both of you. The events of the past few years have been deeply disturbing for the entire team of Avengers. So you and Wanda decided to quit the team, and swore that both of you wouldn’t never exercise your powers again. Of course, there could be exceptional cases where the use of powers is ultimately the only way, but it’s mostly nothing to do with your simple lives.

Wanda goes to a therapist sometimes, and has offered you to try it out too, several times. You just deny with a simple shake of your head, and keep the topic aside. You’re happy to see her get better, settle her unsolved traumas, and accept Vision’s death.

“I knew you’d be here.” Wanda walks up to you, which is also the reason why you clicked the pause button. You give her a sincere smile, which she returns happily.

“Guess I’ve developed a little longing for this place. I can’t help but be here, I feel the safest here when you aren’t around.”

“Oh Y/N, you know I always come back home and always will. You’re my best friend, and the only one. I’m so happy that living together has worked out for the both of us.”

“So am I, Wands. I know I don’t have to run around the compound looking for you anymore.” Smiling with melancholy, you continue, “I miss bumping into our friends while doing that.”

She sighs deeply. There are memories of Vision in her mind, but they don’t feel like a dagger anymore. They are just bittersweet feelings for a star-crossed love. “Y/N, it’s been years since we left the team. Do you think they miss us? I wish we had parted with no hard feelings.”

“I think that it’s fine. It’s been years, nothing big has happened. And I hope it only stays this way. I don’t care if someone is still pissed off after so long, the war damaged us just as it did them, and we are still recovering.”

“But Y/N… you’re just refusing it all. There’s no point in being delusional. It’s affecting you, and your mental health in a really bad way.”

“I know but I cannot help it Wanda! I have had nothing before the Avengers, I don’t even know what I am grieving for. I haven’t had anyone to go home to since forever, and now that I have it, I wouldn’t change it for anything. Not even for friends who’d have hard feelings against me after I choose to live a life post-war.” You feel like you’ve spoken too much, because you feel like tearing up.

Wanda comes closer to you and hugs you tight. “Y/N, honey, it’s okay I’m right here.”

You sit there with her, since there’s nothing else you can do right now. For several minutes, none of you loosen the grip, too scared that either of you could turn to dust.

— ✦ —

On the way back home, you hold hands like little kids. Living with your best friend has got to be the best decision you’ve ever made. Feels like she holds a key to the corner of your heart that nobody has dared to discover.

“Hey, what are you thinking?” she moves closer and sits next to you on the couch.

“Nothing, just that you’re probably my favourite person in the whole world.”

“Stop being so cheesy and tell me the truth.”

“It is the truth. I love being with you Wanda, I love you.”

“I love you too, Y/N. Your existence lights up mine. I don’t want to leave you, ever.”

You give her a kiss on the cheek, and reply, “I will not leave you, ever.” After being through all the devastating events together, you’ve both developed quite a habit of sitting together in silence and thinking. Snapping out of the state, you go to your room to sleep. Or maybe just lay down. Wanda remains in the living room.

— ✦ —

It’s almost 4:30AM and you haven’t slept. Thoughts about Thanos, his army, your teammates, Natasha, and Tony come back. Illusions of blasts, gore and doom fill up your mind. Countless number of people have lost loved ones.

Maybe, just maybe, you could have done something to save your friends. Resentment and regret feel like two old friends who come to lay down next to you.

Wanda is in her room, you can sense her sleeping. It would be a good thing to have someone to talk to, but not that great if you’d have to wake her up. Eyes open, you go back to staring at the ceiling. Tears begin pooling in the corners of your eyes, ready to roll down any moment now.

Silently, you sniff away the mildest nightmare of the night.

— ✦ —

You sit at your desk a couple of hours later, and begin writing something that you don’t know. “Good morning. You're up early?” Wanda walks in. She’s still wearing her shorts and tank top. And she looks damn fine.

“Good morning. Also, what do you mean by ‘up’?” you reply back sarcastically.

“Oh well, don’t tell me you stayed up all night. Now come here, you desperately need a morning hug.”

“You’re a hundred and ten percent correct.”

You get up and go hug her closely. She rubs your back and whispers words of reassurance in your ear. You just hold her and smell her messy hair. You’re sure she used your shampoo but it only makes you want to hug her tighter. After letting go, you look at her face adoringly and tell her sincerely, “You look pretty. So pretty.” She blushes and pushes your shoulder lightly, as a friendly gesture.

“Stop teasing me! I haven’t even had my coffee yet. I’m gonna have to sound mad at you if you make fun of me right now.”

“You think I’m joking? You look fucking gorgeous. Not even kidding, I’d kiss you if we were toge-” You regain consciousness and regret saying anything at all. Should’ve told her I’m being satirical for no reason, you think.

“What was that you said?”

“Nothing.”

“No no, you said something. Say it.”

“Uhhhh that I was making fun of you for nothing. Go tie a bun or something.”

“Did you just say that you would kiss me?”

“What?! No!”

“Okay, if you say so. I don’t trust my ears anyway.” She simply walks out of the room with an air of smugness.

During breakfast, she asks you a question you never expected, but should’ve seen coming. “But like, let’s say hypothetically, would you kiss me if I asked you to?”

You almost choke on the toast. “Wanda, let me have my breakfast in peace. Please.”

“Another question, who would you kiss? Who is your type even? I’ve literally never seen you talk about this in almost over a decade of our friendship. Come on, Y/N, there’s got to be someone.”

“No Wanda, I don’t have a type. If someone is for me, they’re for me. There’s no one that I like right now.”

Her face grew serious and her smile faltered. “You know I can read your mind if I want to, don’t you?”

“I know that. I also know you wouldn’t break a promise to know about a possible date of mine or something.”

“Fine, you win.”

— ✦ —

You’ve been in the park almost all day again. But your mind has been thinking of something else today.

Why did I even say that at all? Would I even kiss her? Would she kiss me back at all? She probably still misses Vision. She literally loved him so much, they were perfect together. No, I shouldn’t even think of this. Especially when Wanda loved Vision so much, and probably still does. But then again it’s just ‘probably’. SHUT UP Y/N.

Screw this. I don’t want to kiss her at all. Never ever.

— ✦ —

“Well you came back quickly, I didn’t even have to come to the garden to bring you back. That’s new.”

“Yeah I guess?”

“Too tempted to kiss me, aren’t you honey?”

“Can you please stop with that Wanda? I don’t even know why I said that at all. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cause awkwardness between us. But you’re kind of amplifying it and it’s making me uncomfortable. Can we just not do this? You simply looked gorgeous, that’s all. And I’m not the one to kiss someone just because of how they look. Just leave this.”

“Oh-uhm, okay Y/N. I’m sorry, let’s not make anything uncomfortable for either one of us.”

Wanda seemed deeply hurt by your evidently irritated reply. For a moment, she also felt terror-stricken. It was a side of you that she had seen, but never faced before.

“Thank you. Do you need some help with dinner?”

“Nah it’s almost ready. You might want to set up the table though.”

“Most certainly.”

— ✦ —

The following week is all the same. Everything is sort of normal. Morning comes, you have breakfast with Wanda, you go to the park, Wanda comes to pick you up in the evening, you both have dinner, go back to your own rooms, and you grieve.

A parcel arrives in the mail. It’s addressed to “Y/N Maximoff” and you’re quite unsure how that feels like. Wanda takes notice of it, but says nothing. You kind of wish she’d say something about it. Wanda makes mention of going back to her chores, but you ask her, “Don’t you want to know what’s in the box? I mean, they could’ve mistaken either one of our names.”

“Not really, you can go ahead and open it.”

It was a real bummer. You feel guilty about her attitude towards you. You know something is definitely off with Wanda. You sure have had fights and arguments with her before, but none of them have made her turn away like this. You keep the box aside and decide to open it once Wanda starts talking to you again.

I mean, we are talking but you know what I mean, you tell yourself. And find it stupid. However, the rest of the day continues.

You decide against going to the dear park today, considering how pissed off Wanda already seemed. There has got to be something which could make up her mood.

“Hey Wands, you wanna watch a sitcom? It’s been a while since we sat together to watch one.”

“No Y/N, you can watch it by yourself. I’ve got some work to do.”

And in the same way, she was successful at avoiding spending time with you through any other activity. She was mad at you. You had to clear things with her as soon as possible, before she could find a hundred more reasons to be mad at you.

By the time evening arrived, all the work should definitely have been done. You did not disturb Wanda during her online work even though you’d do that normally whenever you stayed at home.

“Wanda, I need to talk to you. Please stop walking around. You aren’t even listening to me! Just wait for a few minutes. Tell me what is wrong.” You hold her hand to hold her back from leaving.

She takes a deep breath and questions you, “Why do you think something is wrong? Besides, you are the one who did not go have her nerves calmed at a park today but I didn’t go around poking in your business. Leave my hand!”

“Hey, hey take it easy. Wanda, your face literally says “I am pissed off but I want you to guess what it is about” and since I honestly cannot figure it out so I’m simply asking you. If you don’t want to tell me then nevermind. Whatever it is, I am sorry.”

“I don’t want your apologies, keep them with you. And you can go do whatever the hell you want, I don't feel like talking to you right now. Also yes, I am pissed off.” Wanda’s voice slowly rises with every word she speaks, and a little discussion transforms into a heated argument.

“Fine, if that’s what you want. I won’t talk to you and I’m not even going to speak a word around you. You can say au revoir to my voice because I’m not gonna say anything. Night!”

“Yeah, as if I wanna hear you talk. I’m tired of it anyways. Night!”

Both of you have gone to bed without having dinner. And your mind is playing with you again. Flashbacks of not only the greatest war, but also your biggest fight with your best friend till now. You can hear her words echo in your mind.

“Yeah as if I wanna hear you talk. I’m tired of it anyways.”

“You can go do whatever the hell you want.”

“Leave my hand.”

In all these years, you have never heard her asking you to stop holding her hand. It was too heartbreaking to even imagine it.

— ✦ —

Wanda doesn’t talk to you the following day. Or the one after. Or the next. No calling you for the meal, no coming to pick you up from the park, nothing. You feel like you have had enough, so you approach her directly.

“So, do you want me to move out or something?”

“No Y/N.”

“Then speak your mind Wanda, I don’t even know what’s going on.”

“‘Speak your mind’ you say? Okay, here goes nothing.”

Without hesitation, she places her hand on the back of your neck and pulls you closer. For a moment, she stares into your eyes, and then kisses you deeply. You’re feeling both surprised, and satisfied. She closes her eyes to just feel you, and you place your hands in her hair. Her lips leave a trail as they move down to your neck, you tilt your head upwards to grant her all the access she would need. Wanda bites your skin and you let out a rough moan, driving her completely crazy.

That’s when you realise. Your best friend is marking your neck and you have no idea what’s going on. You gently motion for her to stop, which, reluctantly, she complies with.

“What?”

She clearly wants to go back to the moment, so she breathlessly asks you in return, “What?”

“Wanda.”

“Y/N.” She looks at you with a grin and pecks your lips again. “Alright, fine, let me explain.”

“Yes please, because as much as I love it, I’m still clueless.”

“I just have one question, now that you know, would you ever kiss me?”

Your cheeks redden up at her question. You avoid eye contact, gulp, and reply, “If you want then yes.”

She probably wants to growl and bang her head against the wall. “WHY DON’T YOU TELL ME HOW YOU FUCKING FEEL ABOUT ME?! CAN’T YOU SEE?!”

“See what Wanda?”

“Oh my God I cannot believe this. You are an idiot and I love you so fucking much.”

“Wa-”

“Don’t you dare say another word, I hate you! You’re just acting-” You shut her up by kissing her intensely, and again, and again, and yet again.

After pulling yourself away, you need some fresh air. So you sit on the couch, and beckon Wanda to follow. As soon as you’re sat, she decides to sit on your thigh, facing you. She slips her hands inside your t-shirt and seeks your permission, “Can I?” You smile and nod back at her, giving her consent.

She unhooks your bra, and cups your breasts in her hands each. Gently, she begins stimulating them. Your shoulders relax as she helps you feel lighter. You shut your eyes as Wanda gets you all worked up.

Suddenly, she pulls out her hands. You open your eyes and frown, uncertain about what happened. Wanda rubs herself against your thigh, making you moan by feeling her wetness. “Take off your shirt.” She directs you. You do as asked, and she’s met with the sight of your bare upper body. She immediately dives in to lick and play with your nipples, as you close your eyes again. Quite occasionally, you managed to say the same two coherent words; “Oh Wanda…”

She loves seeing you this way. It’s been years since she saw you relieve your stress. She hovers on your top, and connects her lips with your lips once again.

After a long heavy make out session, you decide to consider her wetness still lingering on your thigh. Grabbing her by the hips, you guide her for a pace. She’s in her yellow cotton shorts, and probably wouldn’t mind ruining them even more for you. Her moans get louder and louder till she finally says, “Y/N I’m gonna-”

“Yes honey, do it.” was all it needed for the knot in her stomach to release as she made a mess on your thigh. You slip two fingers within her heat to help her ride it out slowly. You mutter small praises to help her stabilise herself after her climax. Words like “You’re such a good girl” and “You did so well, princess” clearly had an effect on her. When you’re done and you pull out your hand from her dripping cunt, you let Wanda have a seat beside you.

She keeps on breathing heavily, but then looks at the sight of you licking your fingers clean. It was irrestitable for her, she had to pull you into a deep kiss. It was evident — she loved kissing you, whether it was a cute peck, a make out session, or just her catching her breath.

“Let me return the favour detka.” She requests you. You feel like it isn’t really necessary, but you don’t feel like breaking the moment so you let her do it. She pulls down your shorts, and begins teasing you over the panties with her fingers. You arch your back and groan, “Wanda please don’t-” So she bends and kisses your clothed core once before helping you strip off.

Slowly, she pushes in a finger, then adds another one. You spontaneously grasp her shoulders, which perturbs her. So she withdraws her fingers and looks at you tenderly and asks, “Y/N, are you really okay with this?”

“It’s just that… it’s been so long since I have…”

“Hey, I understand. If you want me to stop I can stop right away. You are always my first priority.”

“No, I want this Wanda. Everything feels so right, after so long.”

She slowly kisses you again, and this time not leaving out a single space she hasn’t discovered yet. Before you could do anything, she filled your intimacy with her fingers yet again. It’s an agonisingly slow pace, and it makes you shudder underneath her. “You look so gorgeous Y/N. You’re the most beautiful person I know, inside and out.” You can only breathe heavily in response because you’re (i) speechless, (ii) cuntful.

Gradually, she picks up the speed for you. Echoes of your pants and screams fill the room, and Wanda is enjoying every single bit of it. Soon enough, you were ready for your release. You try to warn her, but she understands your signal and whispers gently, “Come for your princess, Y/N.” It was all you needed to make a mess all over her fingers. She rides you through it as your elevated heartbeat goes back to normal.

She watches you with affection, and moments later you return Wanda’s gaze. She sits beside you again, and you both are in a familiar comfortable silence all over again. You decide to break it and bring up the previous conversation, “So… I guess I love you too? You’re the idiot by the way.”

“What do you mean that you guess? If you want to play the game then don’t forget you’re the naked one here and I can tease you really bad.”

“Oh really princess?” You wink at her and shift closer to her. She wraps her arm around you and says, “Let’s get a little cleaned up. I’m feeling a little hungry.”

You innocently ask her, “What do you want to eat?” but her mind is already running towards the wrong places. She swallows and replies, “A cup of green tea would do for me right now, would you like one?” You shake your head in the positive and get up.

— ✦ —

You two sit on the balcony to have the green tea. It’s late at night and the city is asleep. Your mind stares at the dark sky, still not quite visible because of the buildings. Wanda looks towards you the same time you look at her, she’s smiling. “Look at the moon Y/N!” She points towards it. Your gaze stays fixed on Wanda.

“I am looking at her. She’s breathtaking.”

— ✦ —

The following morning was enchanting as ever. You wake in Wanda’s arms, who is already lying awake next to you, waiting for you. “Good morning detka,” she whispers, “I hope you had a nice sleep.”

Morning laziness takes over you, so you hug her tightly and hum. She giggles and rubs your back with her hand, indicating for you to not doze off again. You groan, “I feel like I've slept after years, probably the first time ever.”

“It’s because you are sleeping for the first time in years. I love seeing you like this, but you need to wake up lyubov.”

“Fine, but you have to answer my question.”

“Go ahead.”

“What were you mad about, yesterday and before that?”

She hides her face behind your shoulder. “It’s stupid.” You hold her chin softly and tilt her head so she’s facing you. She sighs.

“Fine. I just didn’t realise how badly I’ve ever wanted to kiss you until you accidentally said that you’d kiss me if we were together. I’ve never been around someone who I could sit together with, listening to some white noise, and feel at home with. Hell, I’ve never been with anyone who could tell me they love me with my morning face. And then you backed off by acting all I-would-never-kiss-you so I was just a little pissed off. I’m sorry. You see, it’s stupid.”

“It isn’t, you’re just an idiot in love with another idiot. Also, don’t you dare say anything about your morning face. Your freckles, your faded accent, your natural hair - my goodness Wanda, I’d seriously kiss you if we were together.” You place little pecks all over her face, making her chuckle. “I love you Wanda.”

“And I love you Y/N.”

You hear the doorbell ring out of the blue. Against your will, you had to get up and open the door. There’s the mail for the day - a few bills, and a small box, addressed to “Y/N Maximoff” again.

You call Wanda outside the room. When she comes next to you, you ask her, “This is the second box. What do you think it is?” She arches her eyebrows suspiciously and takes the box away from you to keep it next to the bowl of keys. “We can find that out later.” she says before kissing your neck.

[arwenkenobi48]

Rejecting Grimdark, Reclaiming Humanity

Trigger warning: capitalism, emotional abuse, mentions of suicidal ideation

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I’ve never really surrounded myself by grimdark media and I think the fact that I ended up in a severe mental health crisis and experienced suicidal ideation whenever I was exposed to it isn’t a coincidence; it’s just not good for my soul

Don’t get me wrong, I love dark media and I’m a sucker for bittersweet endings, but that’s because there’s a certain beauty that comes with that which I can’t find in grimdark fiction; I just end up wondering why that piece of media even exists. If the characters and the world they live in amount to nothing, what’s the point of even creating something surrounding it? What’s the point in following the journey of characters whose entire purpose is to suffer without any form of recompense?

There isn’t even any catharsis in it like you’d find in a Shakespearean tragedy; it’s just pain for the sake of pain and I think we, as a generation, have had far too much of that already. And the idea that grimdark fiction is pushed as “realistic” and “just how life is” makes me sick to my stomach. The phrase “life isn’t all [insert positive thing here]” has come to mean “[positive thing] doesn’t exist and it’s wrong to expect it” which just reeks of defeatism and honestly feels like a mass scale form of emotional abuse.

Capitalism not only robs us of what we need to survive, but preys on our emotions and systematically destroys our wills through pushing this agenda. Whenever I see someone making jokes about how they thought something good was coming into their lives only for it to be snatched away, my heart breaks bc it’s clear that they’ve internalised that harmful shit. I’ve noticed this particularly with memes about how every year since 2016 people have been hoping for something better and getting that hope crushed. Some say that laughter is the best medicine and I do agree with that sentiment a lot of the time, but there’s a big difference between a genuine, joyful laugh and a sardonic chuckle, which is what I feel is becoming the status quo.

The authoritarian capitalists that currently rule us can only truly thrive when they know they’ve killed every fragment of joy within us. And the way they’re doing that is by twisting even something as wholesome as human laughter into something that just creates more numbing pain. They want us to be numb. They want us to stop feeling. They want us to stop caring. To care, to feel, to have hopes and dreams is to be human. They don’t want humans. They want machines. Machines that were once human. They can build as many robots as they want; it’s not like they can’t afford it. But the idea of humans leading a happy life that aren’t in their elite circle is something they cannot stand. That’s why they’re determined to break us by any means necessary.

I know that we’ve all been hurt. Not just by the capitalists, but by individual traumas we’ve faced throughout all stages of life. I’ve been hurt too. My pain, while it has eased, hasn’t ceased yet. But the worst thing any of us could possibly do is let that pain numb us. The moment we stop feeling, stop caring and stop hoping for something better, that is the moment they win. I know it isn’t easy. I know it’s hard to break free from the pessimistic mindset they’ve been instilling in us for so long, but you can do it. Don’t be afraid.

Don’t be afraid to feel. Don’t be afraid to care. Don’t be afraid to hope for and long for something better than what you have. We all deserve better than what they’re doing to us. Defeatism, pessimism and apathy are our worst enemies and their most powerful allies. There’s only one way to break free of that. And that is to feel, care, hope, dream, aspire, be passionate. To love one another and to love ourselves.

It’s been said, time and time again, that true love conquers all. There’s a large number of people who have a very shallow understanding of what that means. But as sentimental as some may call it, love truly is our greatest strength. Love for our planet, our own human race, for each other, for the life and future we know we deserve. Do you think all the revolutions that toppled the tyrants of old from their thrones would have still happened had the people not been united by love? Just think about it. An entire nation can rise up and defeat evil all because they collectively agreed “We love each other so deeply that we’re going to fight tooth and nail for the lives, peace and happiness we deserve”. There is something beautiful and profound about that. And I still believe that we all have that same fighting spirit in us all. We must do everything we can to keep it alive.

So the next time someone tells you a happy ending isn’t “realistic”, it’s best to politely disagree. We all deserve to live happily ever after. We all deserve happiness and peace in our lives. Life is not a piece of grimdark fiction. We need to realise that. We need to rekindle the warmth inside our hearts. We need to let ourselves be human again.

(Author’s Note: That took a lot out of me. What started as nothing more than an introspective throwaway post turned into a full blown manifesto. I’m glad I wrote it, though, and I want to share it. I hope that it inspires some positive change.)

[chemicaljacketslut]

back in that post 10pm state uh oh….. it’s not as bad this time but. made the mistake of rewatching some of bo burnham’s inside and it just took me back to covid lockdown times. i mean all you mentally ill bitches know how it feels to nostalgically yearn for your lowest points. i guess it’s something to do with familiarity; i for one hateeee change, even when positive, so it makes sense i’d be a little uncomf not being depressed. i can’t remember a life before depression; i’m so much better now, but sometimes i miss it, because it’s my childhood. it’s what i’m used to and what i get nostalgic for. i haven’t had a bad episode that’s lasted more than a day or two in a long long time, but sometimes i do really miss waking up for the millionth day in a row realizing i’m in a bad episode and thinking there it is again, that funny feeling… sigh. that being said, i don’t actually want to go back anymore. i used to get nostalgic for my depressive episodes and really want to go back, but now i don’t. more than anything, when i feel like this, i just feel proud of how far i’ve come and optimistic for how i’ll feel in the future, although in a sort of bittersweet way. like, it’s nice that i’m better now, but at the same time, my depression won’t ever go away fully; i’ve just learned to coexist with it. and on top of that, this pride is definitely a little isolating, however much i don’t want to view it that way. thinking back on all i’ve gone through makes me feel a stronger connection with all the people in the world who have struggled with mental health, like some kind of post-war camaraderie. and at the same time, it distances me from the people in my life whom i know haven’t experienced the same type of struggles i have, even if they’ve had their own mental health struggles and they’re just different from mine. because they’ll never be able to truly understand my struggles. you know? i feel like this sounds conceited in some way, but i really don’t intend it like that. everyone has struggles, and just how they won’t fully understand mine, i won’t fully understand theirs. it does make me feel a little weird though bc i don’t think i have anyone in my life right now who’s gone through depression the way i have. i used to when i was in the thick of it, where i had friends both irl and online going thru the exact same struggles i was. but i’ve drifted away from all of them in one way or another. it’s weirdly isolating and comforting at the same time to think about, because while no one i know right now understands, i know there are so many people out there who do, and i have a bond with those people forever despite never knowing most of them. idk. those are my midnight thoughts for tonight and something i’ve been ruminating on a little lately.

[skyplayssplatoonmoved]

NOTICE: Skyplayssplatoon...is moving?

[I Have Moved To @skyplayssplatoon3 !!]

Howdy there! Kind of a different but important post:

I don't want to get too detailed about it, but I've come to the decision that I'd like to start over on a brand new blog! The main reason being a lot of coding/tagging issues that unfortunately have come with Tumblr updates, and partially some personal issues that I'd prefer to leave behind me for Splatoon 3.

I apologize if this is a bit sudden of a post, but I have been considering it for a long time, and have decided this is what I want to do!

Rest assured, this blog is NOT being deleted! I will leave it up as an archive for all the beautiful art I've reblogged and the lovely memories!

But I will no longer be posting here, nor reblogging anything here.

I understand I will have to rebuild my followers all over again especially to get back to helping people gets some visibility, but truth be told, I assume at least 1/3 of the followers here have also been people who've long since abandoned Tumblr. I hope to rebuild a new active audience so I can share folks art around just like before, but I know it may take some time!

The new blog will basically be the same, just with a simpler, different layout that functions properly, proper tags that work, and a fresh clean slate for new posts!

If you're interested in continuing on with me for my Splatoon 3 Adventures, you can simply find me at:

@skyplayssplatoon3

Thank you for all the wonderful memories, the support of myself as well as each other, and indulging me in all my silly posts, rants and thoughts! I'm ready to lay this blog to rest and start fresh for a fresh new game! I hope you'll be able to join me!

[loveofafangirl]

A New Dawn

[Baron Zemo Masterlist] [Marvel Masterlist]

Pairing: Baron Zemo x Reader (no gender, race, body type given)

Synopsis: You wake up to a new day in the arms of Zemo (what could be better). *Domestic Fluff*

Word Count: ~500

A/N: I know it's been ages since I wrote Zemo. I've been struggling with mental health and writer's block. This was supposed to be for a different character I write, but I wasn't loving it for them and somehow I ended up here. Not my best, but hoping that maybe it'll spark some inspiration for more Zemo.

Strands of golden sunlight peek through the crack in the long dark curtains, shielding you from the start of a new dawn. The honey-colored beams caress a soft line across your cheek. Your mouth is parted slightly, your breathing still shallow with sleep.

The back of his fingers brush gingerly across your cheek, no longer able to stay away. There was a time when this—this simple moment—didn't seem possible. He didn't think he could ever allow this for himself again, to be vulnerable, to be at the mercy of another, knowing any day could threaten such a moment as this, that this moment itself could be the last of its kind. It was a bittersweet knowledge, one born from the devastation of loss but, renewed with light each day by the love you shared.

You'd overcome so much to get here. It wasn't easy, but the two of you found your way, one day at a time, learning to trust and let go of the pains of the past. Each new dawn was another gift for you to treasure, knowing the frailty of each moment.

He listened to the soft sounds of your breathing, watching your chest rise and fall in a delicate rhythm that brought him peace. He presses a kiss to the crown of your head, breathing in your familiar scent. If time could stand still, he would keep you there forever.

This was his favorite time of day. A new sunrise, a new dawn, a new start, a promise of hope (something he hadn't expected to believe in, and he never would have if it were not for you)—just a quiet moment where the world was still calm, many like you, still asleep. There wasn't so much noise. There was room to think and breathe. The pain of the past was left in yesterday, and the trials of the day had yet to begin.

You hum quietly, stifling a yawn. Your body shifts, searching in earnest.

He exhales a breath through his nose. The corner of his mouth turns up as his lips press together in a Cheshire grin. He wraps you in the warmth of his embrace.

Your body relaxes in the comforting safety of his arms. You nuzzle into him, letting the soft hair on his chest tickle your nose as you stir awake.

His thumb caresses soft circles on your back. "Morning, y/n," his velvet voice greets you.

You shake your head in protest, nestling further into him, not wanting to greet the new dawn yet, for this was your favorite time of day too. Waking up in his arms, knowing no matter the trials or troubles that you would face, you'd never be alone; he would always be there. His loyalty and devotion blanketed you in security. You smile to yourself, uncertain how you ended up here, in the arms of a (reformed) terrorist, knowing nowhere on earth was safer and more loving than this.

If you made it here, thank you so much for giving this drabble a chance! I truly appreciate it! Likes, reblogs, and comments are so truly appreciated.

I'm including the tag list I had last time I posted, which was months ago. Please let me know if you'd like to be added or removed, or if i need to update your blog name since I'm not sure all of these are still active.

Perma(til the end of the line): @the-soot-sprite​​; @fandomxreaders ; @itdobe-foggy ; @angiekurosaki

Zemo tags: @montypythonsholysnail​​ ; @killsandthrills​​ ; @noavengers​​ ; ​@nalabarnes1031/ @treasureswordsgirl55 ; @trelaney ; @willowtheewisp ; @marchingicenotes7 ; @valquiria3000 ; @swooning-for-spider-man​​​; @coffeewithoutcaffeine ; @mischievousvillainy ; ; @alindeluce ;

@book-fic-reader (incase your interested, sorry if you're not!)

[dialovers-translations]

DIABOLIK LOVERS DAYLIGHT  Vol.5 Sakamaki Kanato [TRACK 2]

Original title: すれ違う心

Source: Diabolik Lovers Daylight Vol. 5 Sakamaki Kanato

Audio: Here (Huge thank you to @filthyhelplessworld​ for providing the audio!)

Seiyuu: Kaji Yuki

Translator’s note: The MC’s health is obviously getting worse and I really fear for her with a boyfriend whose best solution is to completely disregard her concerns and lock her up in the underground dungeon. I’m still betting that all of this karma will come and bite Kanato in the ass though. I’m just waiting for the angsty stuff to kick in because he needs a taste of reality.

Track 1 ll Track 2 ll Track 3 ll Track 4 ll Track 5 + Epilogue

→  LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

Track 2: Hearts Growing Apart

You are in the kitchen making sweets.

*Thud*

*Ping ping*

Kanato enters the kitchen.

“Hm...I have no complaints about the scent. Is this the sponge for the cake?”

You nod.

“Your hands have stopped moving. Please continue.”

You continue beating the egg whites in a bowl.

[00:24] “Fufu...Cut the cookies into bear shapes, okay? I want two kinds, both chewy and crispy. I grow tired if there’s no variety in the texture after all. ...Ah, I’d like my pudding on the firmer side with bittersweet caramel sauce on top, okay? I’m especially picky when it comes to chocolate. The cacaー”

Your movements stop again as you grow dizzy.

“...? What’s wrong? Now’s not the time to rest. I want to eat these soon so stop dawdlーー”

You nearly collapse, knocking over the bowl with cream in the process.

*THUD*

[00:56] “...! Ah!! The cream…!!”

*Rustle*

“Tsk...It turned out so well too...This all happened because you were spacing out…!”

You explain.

[01:13] “Hah…! You’re at it again with the sick act? Whenever things don’t go your way, you always blame it on feeling unwell! I bet you’re feeling faint because you let one of the other guys suck your blood, am I wrong!? Was it...Reiji again, perhaps? Even though you promised you would stay away from him!”

“SHUT UP!!”

*Thud*

[01:39] “I thought you were actually being a good girl and making the sweets I asked for but in the end, this is what I get! After you promised me several times too...Honestly...I’m so through with you!!”

*Rustle rustle*

“Haah…”

Kanato starts dragging you along.

“You want to know where we’re going? Oh no, you’re not going anywhere from here on out.”

*TIMESKIP*

*Cling cling*

*Rustle*

[02:23] “No, I won’t stop. Someone like you deserves no better than to be locked up inside the underground dungeon like this.”

You protest.

“Haah...You only have yourself to blame. For breaking our promise and letting someone else suck your blood.”

You deny it.

“SHUT UP! How many times are you going to lie to me? PLEASE DON’T MAKE A FOOL OUT OF ME BY ASSUMING I’D BELIEVE YOUR WORDS OF DENIAL!”

You beg.

[02:58] “...If you want me to listen to the whole story, then promise me you will never tell a lie again.”

You promise.

“Haah...Okay then. I suppose I wouldn’t mind listening a little.”

You start explaining.

“...Your health actually has been in poor condition, you say? You sure are insistent about that part.”

You continue talking.

[03:28] “So? ‘At this rate you will ーー’ What? You’re not going to tell me you’ll die, right?” 

You remain quiet.

“Kuh. CUT IT OUーー”

You nod.

“Huh? ...Say, did you...perhaps nod just now? Do you truly believe you will die if things continue down this path?”

You nod again.

“That...doesn’t make sense.”

You tell him it’s the truth.

[04:14] “You’re just joking when you say you might not have much time left, right?”

You shake your head.

“You want me to mentally prepare myself for the worst…? Ridiculous...I mean, there’s just no way you would die, right!?”

You try to make him face reality.

“SHUT UP!!”

You speak up again.

“SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! YOU JUST CAN’T DIE!! ...Stay here until I give you permission to leave!”

Kanato stomps away.

“Kuh…!”

*Thud*

*TIMESKIP*

[04:59] “Nn...Here. You should try one of the cookies as well. You haven’t been eating at all this whole time, have you?”

You politely refuse.

“Even if you’re lacking an appetite, you should be able to at least eat the things I bring you, no?”

You hesitantly grab a cookie.

[05:26] “Mmh. Better. Umー Where were we again…? Ah, right! I remember now! Honestly, I was so surprised to find out there was another human out there who has blood as sweet as yours! Well, I just so happened to cross paths with her on my way home from school, of course. ...You probably shouldn’t give yourself too much credit for having special blood. If you continue to be disobedient, you might just find yourself thrown aside by me at some pointーー Just kidding. Fufufu…”

You remain quiet.

[06:19] “Hey? Are you listening? You didn't nod off while I was talking, did you?”

You shake your head.

“Good. You’ve been quiet this whole time though. You should say something as well. Anything will do. What has been on your mind today, or what you would like to do if I were to free you from down here, for example.”

You tell him you want to see the outside world. 

[06:56] “Hmph. What will you gain from watching the scenery outside? Your eyes should only ever be on me.”

You go silent again. 

“Hah! Ridiculous! I’m here trying my best to strike up a conversation, yet you have nothing else to tell me?”

You bring up your health.

[07:24] “Aah...But I’ve heard enough about that. I’m sick and tired of hearing you say how you’ll ‘die’ or whatever…”

You try and reason with him.

“STOP! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT! ...Haah. We were having such a lovely chat as well, but you completely ruined it.”

Kanato gets up.

“My mood has been ruined. I will excuse myself for today.”

He leaves.

*Thud*

[08:01] ( You told me I was doing the wrong thing time after time. Trying to convince me that locking you up in that dim lit underground dungeon would only speed up the process and lead to an early death. You would even burst out into tears, worried about what would happen to me once I’m left behind. 

[08:19] Every time, I would grow upset and refuse to listen to you, covering my ears while simply turning a blind eye to everything, as I kept you imprisoned down there. Because I truly believed that if I kept at it long enough, you would eventually give in and stop saying that you were dying.

[08:42] ...I wonder why I didn’t just accept your words back then? Why didn’t I try and do something about the abnormal condition of your heart, even though I had taken notice of it? I never thought I would one day ask myself those questions over and over again. )

*TIMESKIP*

Kanato approaches you in the dungeon.

[09:10] “You seem rather out of it today. Do you have any idea how much time has passed since you were brought here?”

You shake your head.

“I suppose you don’t? ーー Or perhaps…”

*Cling*

“I guess you no longer care, do you? After all, right now the only thing which matters to you, is the person standing in front of you, right? Correct?”

You nod.

[09:50] “Fufu. You’ve become such a good girl. Well then, come here. I will let you embrace me as your reward.”

You move closer and wrap your arms around him.

*Cling cling*

[10:12] “...Haah...We will be together forever, okay? Please don’t say you’ll die ever again. ...You’re not going anywhere. You can’t even run. It’ll be just the two of us for eternity. I’m sure you feel the same way right now?”

You reluctantly nod.

[10:50] “...What was that just now? It appeared to me that you only nodded because you had no other choice. I can tell you’re hiding how you truly feel. ...Tell me loud and clear. How do you feel?”

You keep quiet. 

“Haha...Hahaha...So you really can’t let go of the possibility that you’ll die one day, no matter how many times I tell you that we’ll be together forever, can you? ...Cut it out alreaーー”

You speak up.

[11:31] “...’But’, what?”

You tell him he will be okay and can simply find another human to feed off of. 

“Did you just...tell me that I’ll be okay even if you die, because there’s plenty of replacements for you out there?”

You nod.

[11:50] “So...That’s all what matters? No way...What makes you believe you have the right to decide that on your own? Who told you to think that way!? Well...I won’t deny that I discovered someone with sweet blood in town the other day, but you’re still on a whole different level! ...ABOVE ALL!!”

*Cling*

[12:19] “Didn’t I tell you just now? That you won’t go anywhere, nor can you run away, so the two of us will be together forever…! Tsk...Yet...Kuh...Yet you have the nerve to…!! ...Honestly...I’ve had enough of this.”

You try to comfort him.

“Hah! ...Stay away from me.”

He walks away.

[12:57] “I’m sick of talking to you. Or rather, I suppose you could say that my love for you has faded.”

*Cling*

“That’s the key to those chains. From today onwards, you’re a free woman. I no longer care about you. ーー Just like you said, there’s plenty of people who can replace you out there. ...Farewell.”

Kanato leaves.

[13:38] “...Kuh!! She’ll die? Ridiculous! There’s just no way I would be left behind on my own. Yet she keeps on saying that she’ll die and to make matters worse, even has the nerve to tell me I could simply replace her! Where on earth did she get that ludicrous idea from!? ...I should just push her away for a bit. I’ll make her regret her words! Until she lets go of those ridiculous thoughts!”

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

[nox-artemis]

Kentaro Miura

It took me awhile to get my thoughts in order. Honestly, as well intentioned as they are, a constant stream of fan tributes on Twitter and Tumblr more-or-less telling me how to process “The End” of Berserk with Miura’s death didn’t do a lot to console me, so I had to take some huge steps away from social media and only conversed my feelings with my other close Berserk fan-friends.

It was very surreal waking up yesterday morning to a friend messaging me simply saying, “did you hear the news?” When shit like that happens, I go onto my Google stories app and scroll through. I didn’t find anything really worth getting too upset over (maybe a bit sad that Queen Elizabeth II’s doggo died?) so it hit me to check my Twitter feed instead.

And that’s when I saw it.

We all know death is inevitable, and life is pretty much spent prolonging the point to that inevitability as well as preparing ourselves for when it happens to us or someone close to us. Being part of the Berserk fandom was the only time we all collectively had this on our mind not only for someone else but for someone we never met or really knew that much about. We only knew Miura through his magnum opus – and that was good enough for us. And no matter how much we discussed the worst-case scenario – pondering how the story would continue and how WE would continue – it still wasn’t enough to prepare us for this amount of shock. Hearing Miura had died and that the Berserk we know and love under his direct supervision is over truly felt like losing a long-lost friend.

It wasn’t just that the Berserk we know of is “over”, but that Miura didn’t have to die. He was only 54: not a young age, but not an old age either, especially by today’s standards. He could have seen the end to his magnum opus the way he envisioned it, yet he died of something so avoidable but is only brought about by a great deal of stress (from what I’ve read). It was always a morbid open rumor that so many of Miura’s infamous hiatuses were actually mental and/or physical health breaks, so the older or more conscious of us fans, while always eager and anxious for a new chapter, learned to not take them so personally. Miura was a spellbinding artist and storyteller, but he was also a human with his own life and conflicts that he was entitled to address at his own pace. This isn’t meant to blame anyone (at the very least, maybe to address some societal/industry issues), but it’s troubling enough to remind everyone – as the story of Berserk has demonstrated – that you need to take care of yourself physically and mentally, and while everyone struggles in life, you don’t have to struggle alone.

I always despised this weird cult of youth that insinuates that life isn’t worth pursuing once you hit your mid-thirties, and how some people so engulfed in their youth insist that they wouldn’t mind dying by the age of 50 or 60. It’s a shame when people live by that because there’s so much to live for beyond your youth – as I’ve learned, I only started buckling down when I transitioned into my thirties. Miura could have had a longer life ahead of him, going beyond Berserk and into his other endeavors, professional and personal, but that will unfortunately never happen now.

Everyone knows I have a lot of thoughts and opinions on Berserk. Most of you found out about me through my blogging several years ago, and I’m pretty proud that I was never the sort of fan that groveled at Miura’s feet and treated Berserk as some untouchable holy book: there were things I disliked about Berserk and things that disappointed me about Miura’s writing, but there were SO MANY MORE THINGS that I loved about Berserk and was proud of Miura for, and I wished him to continue his advancement in narrative growth. He did so and we watched it happened.

And, by meeting so many friends and acquaintances through the fandom, we saw a lot in ourselves change too. It’s surreal how we always joked that it would be one of us fans who would die before Berserk ended or the worst-case scenario of Miura dying; maybe some of us secretly preferred for that happen. But when we weren’t waiting around for another chapter… look at how much we’ve done with our lives! We graduated high school, undergrad, grad school, started and advanced our careers, traveled the world, got together, popped out a kid or two!... And while we experienced a lot of downfalls and tragedies that coincide, can you believe how much we have accomplished together?

We were all personally inspired, motivated, persuaded by Berserk in different ways: a lot of us were inspired for the better and admittedly, some for the not-as-good (if spending countless hours on Tumblr has taught me, there were definitely some toxic fan takeaways that had to be confronted). I’m not going to go to the point of saying that I now live my life by Berserk’s philosophy to a T or live as a reflection of certain characters (because I’m pretty sure that Miura was trying to tell us to NOT live your life like some particular characters) but it certainly helped to brings some aspects of life and existence into perspective, through the lenses of so many characters. Berserk also inspired me to write more, an already favorite pastime of mine, and how I should go about writing and planning a story, taking cues from Berserk on how to and how NOT to write and approach things in my own way, which I think is for the best in the long run. I can only dream that I’ll be published someday – which doesn’t have to be a pipe dream because it’s still much more possible than impossible. And so many other have done the same, creating our own stories and works.

And OF COURSE Berserk inspired me to be a little bit badass from time to time in moments of frivolity and seriousness – but it reminds us all that being badass and being a kinder person who tries to become the best version of themselves are not mutually exclusive. We definitely need more of that in today’s world.

We all made our own little bonfires of dreams happen, and because of Berserk existing, there will be a lot more beginnings than endings, and I don’t see a lot of bonfires being extinguished anytime soon. Miura poured his heart and soul into Berserk and its characters, and while he has passed on, his characters and lessons will live on through us and everything we create and how we live our lives (hopefully for the better).

I was happy to share all of my thoughts with you all – and I’ll continue to do so, since the mythos of Berserk has been a major backdrop of my creative mind for over fifteen years now and there is still so much to dissect and speculate. Personally, I don’t see Berserk ending just yet, if only because I’d be surprised that Miura or his publisher didn’t have some Operation London Bridge type plan in place in the event that this happened (Berserk is, after all, a major title that most likely brings Young Animal a lot of revenue). Again, I never treated Miura or Berserk as divine untouchables, so if there are plans in place to continue Berserk without Miura (BUT with his permission) or just on how to wrap up the story to give it a fulfilling conclusion, I personally would be okay with it (as a friend of mine put it, it’d be more of a tribute than an imitation). Going beyond our lifetimes, works will continue to be interpreted and reinterpreted as they have since time immemorial; perhaps Berserk will reach that point someday.

Honestly, and many have thought so too, Berserk was also meant to be cosmic level in both scale and concept. The plot is so grand and Byzantine that, even under Miura’s direct supervision, I always had a hard time envisioning how a story of this scale would conclude. As much as we love to hate him, a final showdown between Guts and Griffith seems too simple, too “good vs. evil”-esque for Berserk. Maybe having a low-key, vague but optimistic and bittersweet wrap up is what is best for Guts, Casca, and their new-found family. But that’s just another one of my fan speculations.

Regardless or what is to become of Berserk now, I think it’s safe to give adulations. We all came across Berserk at different times in our lives and stuck with the story for different reasons. For some of us, it was just another series that our friend from the campus anime club recommended to us; for others, we were drawn in from a morbid curiosity of its dark notoriety in anime circles. A few of us read for the gratuitous violence and the clout (because we all know you’re so deep and hardcore [/sar]), but a lot more of us read for the journey and the characters that we became a part of. The heaviness of Berserk made us confront a lot of trauma and even relive our own. For some of us, understandably, it was not a good idea to dive deeper (and maybe somethings could have been handled better); for the rest of us, it helped us cope, if not entirely through the story itself, than through the support network we made for ourselves in this fandom and its many realms (some realms, I argue, are more caring and nurturing than others).

From time to time, I always wonder if I would ever “grow out” of Berserk. There were indeed several times I took a step away from fandom and have tried to reduce my exposure to the story - but I always came back in some way, because the essence of Berserk has never left me and never will. Humorously I envisioned myself actually forgetting about Berserk for several decades, decades in which I work at my career, raise my family, mourn my elders, but continue living my life, only to go on the future internet in my mid-50s to find out… Miura is STILL working on that ending, sitting at his desk in the same pose as that famous monochrome capture of him, only he’s grayed and wrinkled, like the great Miyazaki.

The possibility of that future is over, but there are so many others.

[astaroth1357]

Who I Am + Blog Updates

This is just going to be me rambling about myself for a hot second. If you're only interested in what's happening to the blog, read below the cut.

Me:

First, I'd like to say to anyone worried that I'm doing much better. My appetite is returning steadily and I've been able to eat again. The nausea has died down so things are all staying down like they should.

In my time away from Tumblr, I've had a lot of time to think, dissect what happened, and parse out my feelings... It’s been enough time for me to build up the courage to say some things about who I am and why all of this hurt me so much more than I think it should have...

I mentioned here before that I have a degree in Religion, which is true, but my second degree is in Political Science. I minored in Legal Studies as well as Peace and Conflict. I'm gearing my life towards combating the use of the judicial system to mandate matters of religious belief. I feel such attempts have been unfairly targeted at the LGBT+ community and are also a miscarriage of free practice to the thousands of non-religious people or people of different faiths in my country.

But I also don't wish to be hostile to religion. Though I don't often agree with the issues they raise, I understand that the religious feel their concerns genuinely. I want to be able to mediate their fears with the social reality of the world around them so that maybe they can find less harmful or exclusionary ways to still maintain their beliefs and their strive for their ideal afterlife.

This last point is very difficult, but I think is important. So much demonization gets thrown around everywhere now and that approach is unproductive... Change happens best and is more lasting when primed with empathy and understanding. I've read the research behind this and seen it to be true with my own eyes. But you don't get there without knowledge, compassion, and trust...

This is who I am and who I want to continue to be. These past few days have been a real challenge to that... It felt like some in the very community that I want to defend had turned on me and it hurt far deeper than I would have expected it to... I've made mistakes that I deeply regret and wish that I could take back, but I've also held to my convictions. In the end, I think I would be betraying far more than just myself if I went back on those. And after much thought, I've made peace with that... I don't hold any ill will against anyone and I will continue on my path to do what I think is right.

Going Forward:

What this has taught me, though, is that I think I need to disengage from the community... for mental health's sake. I saw things being said about me, some by creators that I deeply respect and still admire, and I won't lie that it hurt quite a lot... I've rarely felt as powerless as I did then... It felt like my actual thoughts weren't cared about and it put some things into perspective for me...

I'm here to write. That's what I started this blog for, at the end of the day that's all this blog needs to be. That can continue without "me" there, if that makes sense. It was an experiment for me to try to be more open and engage with others to start with, and in all honesty, it's never felt all that natural anyway...

I'll continue to write and post my HCs here through my queue but my actual personal engagement will decrease quite a bit. I'll keep the ask box on for right now, but it will only function in a suggestion capacity. No Q&A, requests, or responses. You'll also likely see a lot less of me posting about my life, thoughts, and experiences or responding to others. My blog is still mine, there'll just be a lot less "me" in it.

I don't take this as a sad thing. In actuality, it's like a missing aspect of my creativity has come back to me! I feel as if I'm writing without an audience again, which was the happiest point I'd ever been while creating content here... Just letting my ideas flow freely, no schedule or pressure to make it enjoyable to anyone but myself. That's all this needs to be and I'm glad to be returning to it.

Don't worry, the content will still be there and more will come in the future, but now I go at my own pace and follow whatever ideas that I want to do. I want to thank everyone for the love they've given me, parting even partially is still bittersweet, but I'm excited for what may come in the future.

Thank you all. Truly. 😊

[faelapis]

what i mean when i say i like jasper’s ending a Lot in terms of “what the character needs”, rather than what the audience needs, is that the transition from “fragments”, to “homeworld bound”, to finally “the future” shows, albeit quickly, a pretty interesting commentary on “want vs need”.

“want vs need” is a pretty basic storytelling concept of, basically, writing flawed characters who have some growing to do as people. they “want” one thing, but they actually “need” another thing.

so let’s talk about jasper’s “want” vs “need”.

cont: but you are not my diamond. if you think you’re hard enough to tell me what to do, fight me and prove it.

she makes her “want” clear in every episode she’s in SU future - which is that she wants to subjugate herself to a diamond, because that’s the only worthwhile purpose in life she’s known.

but we, and steven, don’t actually want that to happen. we know it’s not good for her health. we’ve seen that it’s not, both because hierarchies like those are toxic and because we’ve been shown, specifically for jasper, that it causes her to self-destruct over and over again.

so when it does happen, it’s very fitting that it’s in the worst circumstances possible. she begged for steven to fight her with all his might, over and over again, so he could prove himself a worthy diamond - to the point where he ends up shattering her. and when she’s brought back to life, she’s not even mad at him. he’s proven himself a “worthy” superior.

so we’ve been shown very clearly that jasper’s want is pretty, well, unhealthy for her. she would literally die for it, and get nothing in return except unhealthy, oppressive structures around her. getting everything she wants, at long last, fills her with a kind of void and fragile happiness... which only lasts so long as steven embraces his role as diamond and stays with her. 

hence we, and steven, only see her act at peace with her circumstances without complaint for a couple minutes, and it always (both in fragments and homeworld bound) ends in her own heartbreak. that’s the fragility of her “want”.

basically, it’s bad because, albeit she would know what to do with these structures... it would be at the expense of her own agency, character growth and health. it would always end badly for her.

this is a good time to point out the parallels to steven in “mr universe”.

much like jasper, steven doesn’t care if the structures around greg were cruel or oppressive. he never looks closely enough to notice how much greg hated his life. he just wants things he sees as “normal”. he wants guidance, certainty and authority figures to tell him what he’s “supposed” to do in life.

so. how is jasper’s “want” inverted?

much like rose would eventually do with pearl, the unhealthy attachment is cut by giving your subject a very bitter pill - disappearing from their life. by leaving them behind, you’re essentially forcing them to grow.

that’s NOT the main / only reason rose has steven, or steven eventually leaving beach city... but both serve the purpose of making someone who idolized you “deal with” your absence. and that’s certainly at least a part of their intention - rose thought of herself as stuck and likely holding pearl back. steven is horrified by the diamond role and wants jasper to do “something better”.

and that leads us to jasper’s “need” - to be free from these oppressive authority structures and find her own path in life. this would both improve her health & happiness, as well as making her stop engaging in unhealthy behavior towards herself and others.

now. is she fully “there” yet? no. 

but i think that as much as her trying to persuade steven to take her with him into the great unknown mirrors pearl - ie “i should be fighting for you, because you’re too important”, her reaction to steven’s reassurance that he will be fine shows that she’s already done more growing than pearl had at that point.

she’s likely been taking classes at little homeworld (where she was confirmed to currently live, NOT just visit to say goodbye to steven) for the preceding months between “i am my monster” and “the future”. she’s somewhere near accepting that her diamond doesn’t need protection. it’s also likely something she started thinking after “fragments” - if your diamond is truly so wonderfully powerful... why would they need your protection? what is your “purpose”? steven defeating her + leaving without her in “homeworld bound” both lead her to the same conclusion - she can’t fail or succeed in protecting him, because he doesn’t need her to.

thus, her role isn’t warranted.

“i can protect myself”. “i know... farewell, my diamond”.

it’s pretty significant to me that at the end of their little scene, steven doesn’t run away or give jasper any orders to stop following him. SHE leaves, albeit sadly, because she agrees with him. he can take care of himself.

jasper’s still framing steven as a diamond / superior, but... i think a big point here is that she’s someone who was so firmly stuck at the bottom of a pit of self-hatred, isolation and meaninglessness that she couldn’t unstuck herself - not without being pushed to do so. which ended up also being true for steven.

that’s the irony of the double-edged sword of her “want” - in a way, she’s right about one thing. she can’t just magically get better on her own.

i think the episode “guidance” illustrates an interesting balance between steven and amethyst’s philosophies - amethyst would rather gems do whatever, even if they end up slipping back into their old patterns. steven would rather guide them towards challenging themselves, even if that means dismissing their autonomy.

jasper... kinda gets both? her “want” and “need” play into each other in interesting ways. i’ve been framing her want as a negative a lot, but it does have an interesting silver lining - she had to get what she wanted (to be defeated, to be given a diamond), to be pushed to what she needed.

and in turn, steven needed to listen to and adapt to HER, in order to help her. only after doing that, after being pushed by jasper in turn and truly giving her what she wants, even if it tears you apart mentally... would she ever listen to you. as steven is probably used to by now.

and despite the tragedy of it, i think that’s... kind of an okay thing to show? because not everyone will seek help on their own. it’s not the uplifting message of “anyone who needs help will eventually realize it entirely on their own”, but it IS the hopeful message of “even people who refuse help, deserve help”. 

there’s horror in steven ultimately adapting to jasper’s desires, because it shows them both the fragility of their wants - for steven, being able to control jasper was a horrifying consequence. he got what he “wanted” in the worst way possible. for jasper, getting what she “wanted” meant being forced to let it (steven) go in favor of staying at little homeworld. 

but honestly... we already knew that jasper would never seek help on her own. she’s too “selfless”, in the toxic sense. purpose matters most.

and she’s not alone in that.

“pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. she put rose quartz over everything; over logic, over consequence, over her own life.”

pearl taking rose down from that pedestal was a slow, elaborate, exhausting process that took years of actively working on herself. the majority of that work was only done after rose was gone.

jasper’s gonna have all the same tools - a genuine support network, people who are willing to both empathize and teach a better way, distance from her romanticized superior, and her own desire to get better. 

the latter point, at first, because she’s told to. but as we saw in “little homeschool”, leaving her to her own devices without any “worthwhile” path forward wasn’t ideal. her “want”, much like amethyst said... still deserves to be listened to, even if she still thinks like a homeworld gem. 

but the seriousness of such an effort is, as pearl taking care of steven “for rose” and then “for him” and finally growing to do things “for herself” shows, a good avenue for REAL growth. jasper may soon yet grow for her own sake.

and the results... again, pulling pearl as my example, can be remarkable.

as i’ve said before... i am pretty sad we won’t actually get to see more of that. that’s what “the audience” may have felt they needed from jasper. the same way i’m sure rose would find it bittersweet to know how much pearl has grown without her. the same way you’re sad whenever you don’t see a character you love find love and happiness onscreen, even if it’s implied...

but in a show told from steven’s perspective, i think there is some point to that.

i’ve come around to the following: she couldn’t go with him. any forgiving hugs steven & jasper could’ve given each other at this point would’ve been hollow. that power dynamic would’ve been in the way. what they “need” is not each other. they need people who really, truly understand them, and to figure out what they want in their lives when steven doesn’t have someone to save emotionally (jasper), and jasper doesn’t have someone to sacrifice herself for (steven). 

(...and it’s at this point you realize i made you read ALL OF THAT mainly to justify why pearl and jasper’s relationship is gonna be such a central thing in my post-canon fanfic. lol. anyway here’s the link again.)

[the-darklings]

coa one year later & self-reflection

(*drags out a creaky metal chair and plops down on it heavily*)

Hi. It’s me, ya boi skinny--

Wait, wrong one. Do over.

Hi, it’s me, Kat, and I’m not dead. Clearly. Today being one year anniversary of COA has kinda put me in a reflective mood, so I guess I decided to sit down and just...talk about some things, thoughts and feelings I’ve been bottling inside for a hot sec. Especially given how radio silent I have gone on here and people deserve a bit of perspective. 

And before anyone starts worrying, it’s all good, and I’m still around and currently in good health for the most part. 

So, let’s take it back to the start. Regardless of how dramatic it may sound, we need to go back a year for that. 

By technicality alone, COA actually turned one year old on October 12th. That’s when the first part was posted. However, the reason I’m treating today as the aforementioned birthday is simple: I had no intention of this story ever being more than a short two-parter. I told this to the discord gang already but COA was only going to have two parts. V was going to die in Tokyo and the rest of the story follows glimpses of John throughout the movies and it’s her ghost that haunts him. Skipping ahead, it was going to have a bittersweet ending of John eventually dying, having completed his task, only to be greeted by V, Daisy and Helen in the afterlife. A peace of sorts. Then, I realised that, well, no. I have more to say on this world and intrigue about this placeholder character V kept growing. 

November 1st happened and I made a very last minute call to continue COA but with the added pressure of doing it during NaNoWriMo 2019. And boy did I. Most of the story was figured out during that very intense month. I posted Part 2 on this day a year ago because I was so eager to share it. Perhaps, in retrospect, a bit too eager. 

For those of you who may not know this, I work as a writer full time for my actual every day job. I’m the main writer for an original webcomic called In the Bleak Midwinter on Webtoon.com and have been for almost two years now. Getting what is essentially your dream job is amazing. I’m very lucky on that front but it also taught me stark realities of having your job and only hobby overlap. It’s a dangerous creative mix. Especially because I was not used to being constraint in what I create or the feeling like I have to please anyone else. Writing as a job is a whole other avenue of creative exhaustion. I love my job a lot and am very, very lucky to have it but it doesn’t change the fact that those initial stages made me fall back on COA a lot for creative freedom that I craved so desperately. To an unhealthy degree looking back on it now. 

But going back to November last year. NaNo time. I did it. Finished on the 24/25th I believe. A juicy final count of 52k+. All while maintaining a weekly update schedule for a fic that usually hit around 10k per update, if not more, even during those early days. Add writing an original story on top of that. Writing every day for hours on end (we are talking 10-12hr days) without any time for other hobbies or time for myself in general. I kept pushing and pushing and pushing. Losing weight and sleep in the process. I think the thing that convinced me that I should continue doing so is the fact that the outpour of support for COA ended up surpassing anything I ever expected or even dared to hope for. I’m not a huge numbers person but the outpour of love and just sheer investment in the story and characters blew me away. John Wick fandom is on the smaller side and has been going through downtime when I posted COA so my expectations were...well, small tbh. I like keeping expectations low to avoid any disappointments in general. But I’ve also always had an issue of being a massive 0 or 100 kind of person. If I love something, it consumes me. In this case, it brought me as much joy and freedom as much as it was steadily pushing me towards the ultimate crash. 

That being said, I can’t thank you all enough for every comment, like, reblog and message and fanart. You’re the reason I got this far. With your support. It brightened some really dark days for me.

But. 

To be frank, it’s never been about you guys. I never wrote or pushed because I felt like I had to appease anyone. That creative mindset is pure poison and I long since learned to let go of it. I kept pushing and kept working myself to the bone because I liked it. I liked how reading peoples’ responses made me feel. I liked the addictive nature of reading all the comments and theories after an update. I loved the idea of brightening peoples’ days and giving them something to cheer them up after what might have been a shitty day. Even if that was at expense of my own time/well being. But for a long time, it wasn’t. I love writing a lot but facts remain facts. 

It was beyond unhealthy and burnout wasn’t a question of if but when and that when was approaching at neck-breaking speed. 

So we come to the end of November. Part 4 has just come out. People were invested and I was invested alongside them. I was just finishing up Part 5 which (back then) was the biggest single chapter I’ve ever written and god I still recall my sheer dread because that was the beginning of Santino being established as a LI. Looking back on that now, it’s downright hilarious how worried I was about the reception of him and V together after John.

So honestly, I hit burnout at around Part 8. Because that’s the first time I recall struggling with writing a chapter. Part 8 came out on December 28th. I had a brief break for holidays. But my mistake was not taking longer back then. Because I continued writing with a barely healed burnout. Followed by almost a year of struggling and continuously creating through that state. It wasn’t like I eased off the pressure, either. Oh, no. The chapters grew in size, the world and the characters with it. AUs amassed quickly and while I adore every single one - again, I didn’t know how to pace myself well enough.

I’m spiteful though. The more the chapters struggled the more I pushed against the burnout. By the time Chicago arrived, however, I knew I was in trouble. I ended up writing 43k+ in a span of 2 months, I believe. And while to some it may not seem like a lot given the time frame, it’s a lot when you’re burnout to a crisp & writing an original story for work + deadlines. Which I was burned out and then some. Chicago was something I was looking forward to writing for months. I have built it up since Part 4. It was a long time coming. So while I’m still proud of it, I would be lying if I said that some scenes were not sacrificed for the sake of keeping to my invisible schedule that no one but me actually cared about. You guys have always been patient. I never felt pushed into anything. It’s always only ever been me doing the harm. 

Chicago was the downwards spiral for me mentally. I felt like I was failing to live up to my own expectations. That people were drifting away from it. I was plagued by the thought that the story I poured so much into was falling apart and growing weaker. Which this has always been an issue with me: I am my own harshest critic. Always have been. In fact, I’m a downright mean little fucker when it comes to just tearing at myself. I know writing is for fun - and it is - but I still like the idea of being proud of my work which only made everything worse despite the love each update received. 

This takes us to the beginning of June. Specifically, June the 2nd. Or, as I like to call it: Kat Makes Another Impulsive Decision but This One Actually Works Out For the Better. On this day, I created the COA Discord server. And damn, I’m not sure what exactly I was expecting when I did ngl. I did it for fun and as an escape more so than anything. But somehow it ended up being the best decision I made in a long while. I know some of you are reading this. So love you lots, dorks. It’s such a privilege to be able to call so many of you my friends even outside of COA now. That little community has given me some of the best memories from this year and helped me to crawl out of my own metaphorical pit I was stuck in. Mentally, I’m doing much better than I did beginning of this summer. Which could be summed up as a constant self-hatred cycle and a feeling of inadequacy. 

That, however, does not mean my burnout magically disappeared. If anything Chapter 17 just put a nail in the coffin so to speak. 2020 has been a shitty year just across the board for obvious reasons I don’t need to go into here but that can only partially be attributed to my mental state. Chapter 17 was...exhaustive. To say the least. But I was determined to stick with my vision and not split it up. I was also starting to be a bit more forgiving towards myself in terms of how long I may take to write it thanks to guys on discord though the feeling of failure and worry never quite faded fully. I’m proud of Part 17. Truly. But that was also when I hit rock bottom creatively on COA. It drained me completely. 

I tried writing Part 18 for weeks after, day in and day out, not getting past the first scene and hating every word I wrote. So I took a deep breath and stopped. Figured I let it marinate and wait instead of trying to piece one of the most crucial chapters in this story like some Frankenstein monster two sentences at the time.

So my solution was simple: give myself some distance from it and write other things. Get my spark back. Of course that’s always a good idea. Having multiple creative escapes is the best thing you can do for yourself creatively. There was just one tiny little problem. 

I was still burned out. Still am. The problem went deeper than just being burned out over COA. I was burned out over writing itself. 

Which is an issue for a person who only has writing as a creative outlet.

I don’t have any other way to express myself. So I was stuck in a runt, trying to write because it’s the only thing that makes me genuinely happy even when I really shouldn’t have. And let me tell you. It’s a shitty fucking feeling. My burnout worsened. I had a thousand ideas but every time I tried to get them down it felt forced, fragmented, and weak. Repetitive and dry. Now, this is also in part because English isn’t my native language, so my vocab is limited as a result, but I hit that sweet rock bottom in that regard, too. 

So, I worked on V (but in her OC form Clara), Lucien and The Elites. All those characters have grown so much since you last read about them. I have multiple original projects planned down the line that will feature all of them existing in their own world, with their own stories and no longer constrained by JW canon.  

Which, finally, takes us to the end of October and beginning of November 2020. 

I was convinced that the best course of action was to do NaNo again but with an original story this time (involving V). Suffice to say, it took a grand total of maybe 5-6 days and hating every second of writing it while also feeling like this project I’m so passionate and excited to write (still am) is just...going down the toilet to be blunt, to realise I may have made the wrong call. 

Still, the stubborn ass that I am, I pushed through. Convinced I can get into it if I just keep going. The realizations that I am sharing with you right now won’t have been possible if it hadn’t been for a rather curious turn of events about a week and a half ago.

I recently bought a gaming laptop, all in preparation for Cyberpunk 2077 dropping ofc. But, in the meantime, I kept recommending a game to a friend on the COA server. That game? Far Cry 5. (It’s a blast to play btw, just a side note.) And playing it brought back all the feelings of nostalgia from the days when I used to write for that fandom. So I revisited some old work. Checked the stuff I never published and that has been sitting ducks in my docs for months and hoo boy. Let me tell you it was a vibe check of the worst kind. 

The stark difference in the prose and the ease with which it flowed was...startling. It made me remember why I love writing so much and how proud I used to be of what I wrote back in the day. Which is not to say I’m not proud now, but it was just such a sharp dip in quality it was impossible to ignore.  

So I didn’t.  

I paused NaNo, moving it to another month. I paused writing for everything but work, which with our season coming to an end I will also get a rest from soon, too. I kinda paused in general. For the first time in a while, I finally forced myself to switch off. Rest. 

The reason why I haven’t been on here is simple: guilt and not having energy to be on here. I like making my blog a safe space for everyone. Similar to escape it has become for me. I couldn’t pretend I was fine when I wasn’t. I felt obliged to perform and being here became exhausting. I haven’t been checking my inbox. Haven’t done much of anything except occasionally dropping by and reblogging a random post so people know I’m alive.

And that’s that, folks. That’s where I am currently. Resting. Completely exhausted mentally but resting. Getting my energy back. 

So where does that leave us, huh? If you read this far, dunno what to tell you. Thanks, I suppose. It’s still odd to think people actually care about my existence sometimes.

I know what you’re likely thinking, too. So does this mean COA is never gonna be finished? What is gonna happen to it? Are you abandoning it?

The answer: no. 17 out of 25 chapters and 250k+ in, I’m too far in not to give it a proper conclusion. Not because I owe it to anyone other than myself. I want this story to be a stepping stone for my future as a writer. I want to prove to myself that I can get this done and finish it. As of right now (as you can no doubt tell with how long it’s been since last update) it’s on a soft hiatus while I rest. This rest? Not sure how long it may last. Right now, my plan is till mid December at which point I will reevaluate. Ideally, I finish the year with an update. But my New Year’s resolution is to finish COA. That timeline has become a little more murky now but, again, ideally it’s within the first quarter of 2021. Will that happen? I don’t know. And I don’t want to make false promises, either. 

All I’m saying is that it will be done. I’m just no longer sure how long, exactly, it may take me to reach that Epilogue. I don’t expect many people to stick around for however long it may take me, but if you do, thank you. Truly. I really and deeply mean that. 

So what’s on the cards for this blog in the meantime? Well, CP77 is coming out in under a month (if it doesn’t get moved again lmao rip) and I expect that to be my soft return to posting my writing on here again. We will see where the muse takes me, if at all. Regardless though, I’m excited. 

One doctorate thesis later, here we are at the end of this really long rambling session. I hope that this has given you some perspective on things going on behind the scenes. I spared you some of the gorier details but I think this post has been long overdue. I suppose I, myself, was just too unwilling to face these things despite knowing about them deep down for a while now. I’m too self-critical not to notice but acting on correcting this behavior has been a whole other matter clearly. 

Thank you for reading this post, my writing in general, and supporting me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m still around. More is on the way in the future. I’ll be seeing you all real soon. And all my love to all of you. 

Love,

- Kat.   

[primrose-path-of-dalliance]

i think i've fully articulated my feelings/rationale behind why i'm uncomfortable with liam's misunderstanding of cad and jester's (admittedly pretty bad) attempt at an impromptu therapy session.

there's an implication there with what he was saying in the larger context that to survive trauma, to have done something truly horrendous, and to heal from those things means that you not only carry them with you forever, you will always have to manifest them and hurt yourself with them.

i know that's not what liam intended by all means. but some of the eighth floor in terms of why it practically exists is not healthy.

symbolically, i understand that it represents how caleb's past is brought along with him everywhere, in the form of a closed-off compartment of what's basically his mind palace. but like......... recovery and taking care of yourself is not constantly reminding yourself of your mistakes and pain like some of those rooms are intended to be. that floor is not a place of growth yet, and room #6 (the surgery room) is THE biggest explicit sign.

because you cannot look me in the eyes and tell me that a recreated memory of a bare stone room with a matted pile of shitty hay, chairs with leather restraints on them, and a rolling tray covered in crusty uncleaned surgery tools and remnants of residuum is a room meant for anything else except self-harm.

the one time we saw caleb visit that room, he did it to think about the dinner with ikithon until he fell asleep in what was almost certainly his old chair. he went to an incredibly traumatic memory room to sleep the night in a torture chair at the age of 33. he knew he would feel absolutely terrible in the morning, and yet he did it. that is literally textbook self-harm.

liam talked about it being important that caleb remembers, and i don't disagree. but that's not the same thing as self-flagellating on a regular basis to “make sure” you never forget.

caleb will never forget. and that’s what cad and jester meant when they said those rooms would still exist. they don’t need to be manifested in this way. essentially: it is possible to remember and hold yourself accountable without hurting yourself to do so.

until his tour with the rest of the m9, there was little else but hurt on that floor.

obviously, recovery is not a one-way street. in some ways i sympathize with a desire to keep some of caleb's mental health a little ugly, a little fucked up and hurtful for the rest of his life. but let’s acknowledge something: that floor could change. what’s in those rooms could change.

personally, i would love to see caleb's floor evolve into one about the good things in his past. how, even despite the trauma and horror, there's a bittersweet joy to be found in who you were and how far you've grown from then. rooms #1 and #9? he could stand to visit them more often. and maybe some of the rooms become dark and harrowed again sometimes because mental health has its ups and downs. self-hatred and self-harm is something i suspect caleb will struggle with for the rest of his life.

but what that floor is, right now? that’s not how it has to be forever. especially not as part of growing into a better, happier person.

[sleepy-daydream-in-a-rose]

Thorin x reader | Hanahaki |

Summary: Reader falls in love with Thorin even if he isn't always nice to her. Reader gets Hanahaki disease and it worsens everytime she realizes Thorin won't ever love her.

Hanahaki: A rare disease caused by unrequited love. It manifests when the afflicted believes their feelings are unrequited. Thus even if the feelings are requited, they will have to be convinced they are loved.

If the afflicted has been rejected then the disease will worsen and the afflicted will die within a few hours.

(I once read this version of Hanahaki somewhere but I don't remember where so it might seem familiar.)

Warnings: Angst, panic attack (but good ending, promise, I can't stand bad endings lol my heart can't take those)

You would've never guessed that love could produce such a disease. Flowers rooting themselves in your lungs, growing and limiting your breathing capabilities. Gandalf, the sly wizard, found you throwing bloody petals away and pulled you aside.

Your gut told you the Grey Wizard already knew who it was but you still refused to say. It was painful enough to realize he would never love you back, so why say it out loud? So you would die quicker? No. You refused to die until you've done your part in the Quest for Erebor.

Gandalf kindly (urgently) told you the 'cure' of the Hanahaki disease. Should you confess and your feelings are requited, then the disease would disappear. But the afflicted would need to truly believe they are loved, otherwise they will end up the same way should their feelings be unrequited. If you confess and the other person doesn't feel the same, then the afflicted would die within a few hours instead of dying a slow suffocating death.

After being transported from your home to Middle-Earth and stumbling upon the little hobbit hole, you were swept away on this quest. Gandalf had to do a lot of convincing the King under the Mountain to let you join the Company because he thought you would be an asset to the quest. How? You did not know...

You were certain you weren't fit for this quest but you knew the feeling of missing home. Something you hadn't talked about it with anyone yet. No one asked so you didn't say a word about it.

The first to approach you were the nephews, Bofur and Bilbo (and Gandalf of course). They made you feel welcomed when the others didn't.

Thorin didn't budge from his first impression of you. Frail, weak and just a human female. Useless and an extra mouth to feed.

Your first impression of him on the other hand was quite the opposite. He was more handsome than in the movies, more majestic and even more intimidating.

You developed a little crush on the brooding King but that was only because he was attractive. His personality made you gag in the beginning, but after some time on the quest, you saw through little actions that he cared greatly for his kin.

You began to admire him more, even if his attitude towards you was less than optimal and even though you weren't the recipient of his small acts of kindness. Even Bilbo was more accepted by the Company and Thorin than you were. This made you feel like an outcast.

Even though Thorin treated you like you were less, your crush on him began to develop into love because you saw what a great king he would be. The important decisions he makes and leading the Company, you wouldn't be able to do any of those things, and you doubt anyone just could. He was extremely loyal and honorable (just not to you I guess).

After a while your throat began itching and you felt an urge to cough. It began as an annoying itch and transformed into a painful cough. You didn't want to be seen as an inconvenience (even more than before) so you hid it.

Then came the petals. Bloody petals. Hiding these were easy enough since it didn't happen a lot, but Gandalf was able to pick up on it. It looked like he pitied you, and was always kind and understanding when you didn't want to say who it was (but he probably already knew).

After the ordeal with those trolls (were you weren't much of a help) Bilbo became more accepted into the Company than you (though Fili, Kili and Bofur were still very accepting and open minded).

The Company slowly opened up to you, reluctantly albeit, because of your gender. Dwarves thought that females should stay safe at home and not be out adventuring.

That hurt you to be honest. After transporting to this world you didn't have a home to turn to, but apparently these dwarves never realized that. It bothered you greatly since you never talked to anyone about your family, but you did talk about your world when certain dwarves asked questions about your world.

Little by little you began feeling more worthless and depressed, even when the Company keeps you company. (hah get it?)

You stayed quiet more than ever, only saying something when something was asked, and with less enthusiasm. The Company must've noticed how your mood dampened. You missed home and Thorin's harsh words didn't make it any better. He always remarked how you should've stayed home, but it's not like you a choice now had you? You always went out in the woods to cough out all the petals you were keeping in and hoped no one would notice.

One night, when you were keeping watch (yaaay you got a task...but it was a sign that the leader thought you weren't completely useless) you felt someone sitting next to you. You hoped your tears weren't visible as you were thinking of home and how you're probably stuck on Middle-Earth.

The fur of the King was unmissable as he was sitting next to you. Little did you know that he saw your tears glistening in the moonlight. He probably thought you were too emotional and not fit for this quest.

What he said next was unexpected. "I am sorry for how I acted towards you in this journey. You clearly have an effect on the moods of everyone here. So much, that when your mood dampened, it affects every one of us."

Confused you looked at Thorin and furrowed your brows. "There is something clearly bothering you, something you haven't told us. May I ask what it is?" He said with concern laced in his voice.

That made you break down and cry out all your pent up emotions. Thorin must've thought you were an annoyance as he shifted a bit, probably out of shock.

"I don't have a home, I don't have anyone, no family or friends to turn to, so when this journey is over where do I go?", you said with frustration and tears streaming down your face. You felt hopelessness increasing as you said those words aloud.

As your body was shaking, trembling, you put your head in your hands and soon your crying turned into a panic attack. Your mind foggy and blurry, face wet from the salty tears that were flowing down your cheeks, body shaking from the mental stress you endured during the trip.

Your breathing shortened and you brought your knees to your head while using your arms to shield yourself from the outside world.

You couldn't take it anymore missing home, the loneliness, being out of your comfort zone. Even if the Company was there to comfort you, it just wasn't the same. It became to much. You loved the soon-to-be-king and that didn't make it any easier.

His eyes widened as he took in your trembling figure. The gruff dwarf sat next to you, as seeing you in such a state made him want to comfort you. He didn't know everything about you but he had a snippet of knowing that you missed your home, even though you never said it. He heard it in your voice and when your eyes looked distant and glazed over.

He was very prideful, but seeing how he never saw signs that you would break down like this he got worried. He wondered how long you were bottling up all your emotions.

It comforted you greatly to have warmth next to you, especially when it was him.

After trying to get your breathing under control in which you failed as it almost induced another hyperventilation, Thorin helped you.

"Breathe in, breathe out, listen to my breathing and to my voice only," his deep baritone voice said as he turned to you and placed a hand on your back, "your doing great (y/n)."

The first time he said your name. That was enough to make you calm down but you didn't dare to look at him so you kept your eyes on the ground.

"I am truly sorry that I did not discuss this earlier with you," he said with a voice full of regret, "I didn't think how my words would've hurt you and how I treated you would've affected you. You are but a mere daughter of the Race of Men and this is a dangerous quest. Your life and health is my responsibility and I will not have you get killed because of a quest you have nothing to gain with. But I see that you did have a reason after all. It's my fault that I didn't see the dedication you put into your contribution to this quest."

It's true. You wanted to help them (after Gandalf informed you of this quest), because you didn't have a home either (at the moment).

In reality Thorin didn't hate you or anything, he thought it best to scare you away so he wouldn't have to worry about a woman getting hurt in his presence. Though it was very obvious that it wasn't a good method of showing his concerns. He felt an unknown pull towards you and it irritated him that he didn't know why.

"Perhaps," he continued, "when this journey is over and Erebor is ours again, I- we would love it if you stayed with us... in the mountain."

The dark-haired dwarf fidgeted a bit.

"R-really," you said tears still staining your face and a bittersweet smile after calming down a bit, "that would be my honour."

For the first time during this quest, Thorin smiled at you. A heartfelt and genuine smile. His eyes twinkled. "My apologies for being blind, my lady," he said with a soft look on his face, "you deserved better, and I will make sure no one treats you the way I treated you."

Both of you smiled at each other and began talking about your life before plunging in this world until it was time for the second watch.

~~

After that night, you felt better. Everyone treated like you were one of the Company and things seemed to go perfectly. Except your disease, which worsened.

Weeks after that night you finally had first watch with Thorin again. He was much nicer to you. He gave his coat to you on multiple occasions, made sure you ate enough and you loved it. But you dreaded moments alone because it was becoming increasingly difficult to hide your disease. After every one of those sweet moments you felt an urge to cough, because you realized your feelings would never be returned. He was just being friendly after that night.

You were having a pleasant talk with Thorin when you felt the petals coming up.

Throat itching more than ever, you began coughing violently, trying to catch your breath. Thorin saw you struggling  and it alarmed him because he didn't know if you were sick or anything like that. As he raised his hand to rub your back to help you or soothe you while coughing since it looked painful, you turned away from him.  You didn't want him to see the petals, almost full flowers now.

He still  put his hand on your back. Then his eyes widened.  Bloody petals. Bloody half-flowers.

He knew of this disease. He knew it was bound to end with a heartbreakingly and sad death.

You knew he had seen them.

"Who?" he asked with the softest voice you ever heard from him. His voice laced with concern and something you couldn't really place.

Shaking your head you said, "It doesn't matter."

"It matters, (y/n)," Thorin said sternly as he looked worriedly at you, "the person who holds your heart must see what a kind and strong person you are."

"If it's someone in the Company, I can talk to him if you want," the Dwarven King continued.

You hurriedly shook your head and looked up at him, slightly surprised by his concerned face, "No that's not needed, I am content watching from afar."

The gruff dwarf dropped it, for now. But you could see the glances and worried gazes from him across the campfire if he heard you cough or clear your throat.

Balin knew of your predicament as he also knows of the extremely rare disease and saw some of the telltale signs. And seeing his King staring at your sleeping figure also cleared up some things for the old dwarf.

Balin, together with Oin helped you hide it from the rest of the company, they were already protective enough and you didn't want to complicate matters further. Oin made something that would soothe your aching throat.

One evening Thorin followed you out when you were 'gathering wood'.  And was surprised to see you coughing up full flowers, blood included.

Tears were streaming down you face as your throat burned from all the flowers you had to cough up.

"(Y/n)?"

You turned around and saw Thorin's eyes glazing over. "Please, tell me who it is. I will do everything in my power to make them see what a beautiful woman you are. If not, please let Gandalf help you."

He was referring to the surgery to remove the disease, which would also remove your ability to ever love again. You couldn't blame people for taking or not taking the surgery. Everyone to their own. You understood the pros and cons of undergoing the surgery, but you liked the pros of suffering from the disease more than the consequences.

You only shook your head as you began crying. "You know I can't, I don't want to be rejected. I'd rather die loving him than live never being able to love."

"Who is hurting your heart, amralime?", the usually gruff dwarf said with a cracked voice, "please, let me help you. I can't bear to see you suffering like this."

Thorin's eyes were glazing over and he held a very sorrowed look. His heart was breaking as yours was, but you didn't know that. The foreign word was also unknown to you which made you confused but you didn't pay any attention to it. You still refused.

"(Y/n), please," he put his forehead on yours, "I'm begging you. I love you too much to let this go. I don't want to lose you. I want you to be my Queen under the mountain so please... let me in. Even if you don't love me, I will still love you even after I go to Mahal's Halls. You are my One, (y/n)."

Gasping as your eyes widened at his confessions. The tears streaming down your face turned from sadness turned to tears of happiness.

You smiled brightly at him. "You love... me? ", your voice wavered.

"Yes, I do. I truly do," he said with a light smile on his face as a tear of worriedness trickled down his cheek. All the brooding dwarf wanted, was for you to be happy.

"But...," your smile faltered and you stared at him, "w-why?"

It broke Thorin's heart to hear you say that for he thought you were the definition of perfection, "At first I didn't know what I was feeling but then I saw you for who you really are. You didn't complain and kept walking while the others complained and whined. I fell in love with you, your beauty and personality. I was hoping to be the target of your affections, but if it's someone else... I would totally understand for I am not an exemplary dwarrow." The blue-eyed dwarf looked at you with a pleading look in his eyes.

"Thorin, if you would've told me this sooner then... this disease wouldn't have gotten so far," you said with a gaze filled with adoration, "I-I love you too, Thorin."

Suddenly, your breathing hitched and you couldn't breathe... Thorin looked alarmed "Ghivashel, what's wrong?"

Clawing at your throat you tried to catch your breath. As if the Valar heard Thorin's whimpers when you collapsed, you started to breath again. Normally, without any pain whatsoever.

You could feel the disease going away as it had a strong reaction to the feelings Thorin and you held for each other.

"I'm fine, my love. Everything's going to be fine," you reassured the love of your life as he held you.

Thorin smiled brightly as he finally had you in his arms and he had no fear of you loving someone else. Just him and only him. You were made for each other and the Valar knew it.

[zukadiary]

Slowly Waking Up From a Takarazuka-less Stupor, Part 1: Romeo & Juliette

Is there even any point in saying it's been a terrible year? Not only has live Takarazuka been out of the question, but very poor mental health, work-mandated increased screen time, and laaaate EST starts have made it very difficult to partake in livestreams. Like... I missed Tokyo Anastasia and Daimon's mura raku. That bad.

Things have slightly improved on the start time front with a move to the West Coast. I managed both Romeo & Juliette streams so far.

This is................ for me, a very bittersweet production. I'd fully planned to see this live before everything went down. I was looking forward to the hypothetical shinko perhaps more than the real thing. Neither of those panned out... and the casting choices in what we got left me with a number of questions.

But! I don't want to forget how to write. And life without my one and only hobby is stupid. So, let's get back into it.

A quick overall,

Coto can only meet my expectations because they are so high. Wonderful, fantastic, I hope someday she gets to be funny.

Maisora? VERY cute, and A+ costumes in a sea of HMM.

On that note, in addition to the inexplicable LL Bean-inspired vibe, there were some puzzling choices, like B-cast Benvolio (Ayaki) and Mercutio (Amahana) looking so similar I can't imagine how they could be distinguishable to new fans (something I presume a company floundering financially in COVID would very much like to have more of).

I wish I could see the ensemble better. RetJ shows its small theater roots; it's not a great troupe show when you are limited to the camera angles.

That said, BACKGROUND ALL-STARS: Sazanami Reira always and forever, I wish she was DEATH; Asamizu Ryou for noticeably characterizing her Montague (Bloom, apparently!) as a lovable airhead?? despite, you know, everything about her; Minato Rihi for her whole VIBE; Yuunagi Ryou for her B-cast performance cradling her dying best friend, which I swear I'm not only saying because I'm dating her biggest fan; Amaki Homare for not doing anything in particular but at least giving herself hair I could find easily; Amato Kanon and Houma Toa for always doing the MOST back there; and Taiki Hayate for the expressions and the cartwheels.

A VERSUS B!

Tybalt:

If I'd cast this I think I would have just made Aichan the every day Tybalt, because that makes the most sense. Neither was a home run for me (though I'll say I have very high expectations for Tybalt, because the face Teru pulled within 2 seconds of walking onstage in 2010 in the first show I ever watched all the way through is literally the reason I'm a Takarazuka fan). I AGREE with pushing Seo out of her comfort zone, but I think Tybalt was the wrong push (I'd have rather seen Mercutio). Aichan's death had a horniness I wish her Tybalt had more of, but that I think would have eventually come out maybe with less switching.

Benvolio:

I REALLY liked Seo's Benvolio, and I'm only one off the full mark out of respect for Aka-chan, who, to be fair, I think also did a heck of a job. I loved the way Seo styled herself, and she gave me stronger best bro vibes. I just! would have liked! to see Seo Mercutio I think!

Mercutio:

:))))))) y'all I love Shin. The last time I saw Hoshigumi live was the Man from Algiers/Estrellas 2.0 tour, where (having never watched Algiers before) I was SHOCKED by the closing scene and Shin's delivery of it. Despite 2020 feeling 1000 years long, that show feels like four seconds ago... but we're coming up on two years, and Shin has only continued to climb in that time. This is the performance that made me feel like I got my money's worth out of a cast to which I otherwise would have made several changes. Her energy was impeccable, her look was appropriately crazy, her death scene was heartbreaking, and she did it all with the aura of someone who's only like 2/5ths done growing. I can't WAIT to see the rest.

I truly feel so much affection for Ema, but she was not giving me what I needed in this role; it was low energy, and not even by comparison, because her stream was first. I think she would have done Benvolio a lot of justice, or (hear me out!): Love. IMO her vibe is soft in a way where it should be highlighted as her strength rather than challenged out of her.

Paris:

It's not just Shin love (although she was cute AF); I think this was just "well Aka-chan has to go somewhere" casting, because she's too big and earnest as a person for Paris. He needs that foppish, twinky, completely unfounded huge ego vibe.

Death:

I have mixed feelings about this. Because like... Aichan's Death was A LOT, but also kind of a weird choice?? Death is historically for ken 5-9 future stars experimenting with emoting; of course a ken14 nibante who's been through Senka is gonna kill it... I just think she's a resource that should have been permanently relegated to something higher stakes.

My rating is based more on how OVERMUCH Aichan's performance was, than on a dislike of Ema's. I definitely preferred her Death to her Mercutio. She was giving me a WEIRD ENERGY, but whatever the energy was, there was a lot of it, and it was different.

Love:

To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't have cast EITHER of these people as Love. Hoshigumi just IMO has better dancers and/or bigger upcoming stars, and I'd have loved a Love/Death relationship and chemistry that made sense.

Overall, I definitely preferred A cast! Looking forward to seeing them one more time.

[infawrit10]

1 & 14 & 23 for the unique writing asks gvdhbsjaklj

Hello, Code! Thank you so much for the asks!

1. What themes would you like to write about that you feel don’t get explored very often?

Oooh. I thought long and hard about this one. I don’t know if this is a theme or just a trope, or what have you, but I think there needs to be more stories where the character doesn’t get the object of their affections, and that’s okay. I think there needs to be more happy stories of unrequited love, and more stories where it’s obviously acceptable for one of the partners in the main relationship to not be ready for a committed relationship by the end of the story. And that’s difficult to pull off realistically, so I get why it’s not done often enough, but I would love to explore something like that (and I kinda have but not successfully). I also think there needs to be more stories where romance isn’t involved at all. As in, no forced romantic subplots, no flatter-than-roadkill and interesting-as-drying-paint characters inserted just for the main character to kiss at the end of the book.

Now, some may call me a hypocrite here because basically all I write is romance, but I don’t think that the two concepts of me liking to write romance and me wanting to see stories where it isn’t the main focus, or maybe it’s bittersweet and/or skewed more towards the self-improvement angle are mutually exclusive. And I would like to write a story like that one day, and more successfully than my last go of it, at least. Of course I would have to be writing super fluffy, romantic fanfiction on the side to cope, haha, but I do want to represent the parts of life that aren’t tied to romance in my work as well, because love in a romantic sense isn’t all there is, and yet it’s such a be-all and end-all in storytelling. Love is wonderful, but there are far too many kinds of love that aren’t celebrated nearly enough, especially platonic love—and, even more specifically, platonic love between single men and women. I would also like to see how I can romanticize not being in love, and how that’s perfectly alright for the personal journey the character’s on.

‘La La Land’ really blew my mind with this concept, where the story goes in a direction where the main couple is arguably happier and more fulfilled without each other. You can also make the argument that they aren’t as happy as they could’ve been, but there’s a lovely ambiguity there because life isn’t cut and dry. Maybe they would’ve been happier with each other, and maybe they wouldn’t have been. There are some solid facts here, though: they made each other better when they were together, and because they knew each other, they wound up achieving their dreams. That’s certainly the happiest break-up story I’ve ever seen, even if it isn’t well and truly happy and more on the bittersweet side of things.

Of course I have other ideas, but this is just a set of very general concepts that I’d like to see more of and write about one day.

14. If you’ve written more than one story, what traits do your protagonists tend to share?

I think they’ve all got a fire in them. They’ve all got this sort of “fuck it” mentality where they’re not content with their lives and are desperate to change it through whatever means necessary. And they all do it for different reasons, but some of them have commonalities. Drag! Virgil and Inexact! Sock do it to outrun their pasts, for example. Inexact! Jonathan and Drag! Virgil do it to rebel against themselves and their environments.

They’re also gay and struggle with mental health dnfacdnkjdsfs

23. Do you prefer reading series or standalone novels and does that reflect on how you write?

Standalones, standalones, standalones. I can’t with series, I never finish them. Unless it’s fic. Then we’ll talk. But like, PUBLISHED books? No. I can’t, I just can’t for some reason. I can’t practice series/book monogamy. I think I’ve finished a series maybe once outside of fic. And yeah, I think it does affect how I write because I write standalone novels. I guess if I wrote series it would be a different story, haha.

Thank you so much for these questions, Code! Very thought-provoking!

[witchsickness]

*waves* any good tv shows or movies you'd recommend?

catch me smiling like a loon anytime someone asks me for recs anYWAY. this got long, unsurprisingly, so [cracks knuckles]

tv -- tbh i haven’t. been watching tons of shows lately, but! here are some of my recent faves 

feel good (netflix) -- just. so good. lgbt-focused, character-driven, feels so fragile and real and hits when you don’t expect it. bittersweet and cathartic, and i’m. so in love with it. perfect for a good cry! 100% recommend

tuca and bertie (1st season is on netflix, 2nd on adult swim) -- pretty much what i said about feel good, except in gorgeous, color-bursting, mind-blowingly good animation. the writing’s better than most ‘real’ shows, and you can feel the love the creators have for the characters and their stories. i don’t have time for people who shun animation as an inferior medium of story-telling. it’s the moment, people. get on board

violet evergarden (netflix) -- okay, so, like, i kinda feel weird reccing this bc it features some. questionable themes. feel free to send me an ask about it if you ever decide to give it a chance, but. that aside, it’s one of the most visually beautiful shows i’ve ever seen, and the stories are so intricate and wonderful and SAD, and i cried at almost every episode, and violet is an aspie bc i said so, and. yeah. 

made for love -- this one’s super off-beat and won’t work for everyone, and the only way to describe it is as the love child of the coen bros and love, death and robots, and i had so much fun? it tackles some very heavy issues like consent and constant exposure in today’s society, but in such a charming, breezy, pastel-hued way, you won’t even notice. cristin milioti is a force of nature <33

undone (prime) -- i think i’ve mentioned this one before? but it’s, like, literally in my head, all the time. you had me at animated existential family drama slash sci-fi. i cried, and i went through the entire range of emotions, and i was left destroyed and begging for more, even though it feels perfect as it is. just. can’t scream about this one enough

normal people -- so i have this, like, Thing, where i steer clear from everything overhyped. and boy, is this one overhyped. i think i saw the entire thing on tumblr before i ever decided to watch it. but it’s. it’s so good, man. and it’s so much more character-centered as opposed to romance-centered, and talks extensively about mental health and trauma and dealing with it, and it left me in shambles. totally worth the watch

i may destroy you -- another overhyped show that just, like, deserves it. deserves ALL the hype, and then some. i can’t even begin to fathom how michaela’s brain works. i’m literally speechless with her ability to create such a complex, intricate, hard-to-swallow story and leave everyone gasping with a dozen small reveals. it’s based on her true experience, which makes it all the more sadder, and all the more powerful, and i’m so happy to exist in a world where people like michaela coel get to tell their tales, and maybe, hopefully heal a bit through it

movies -- so i uhhh watch. a lot of movies. and most of them are older? which i know most people are not super into. so here are my fave new films i’ve seen, but u should totally feel free to ask for any more specific recs you might be in the mood for 🖤

censor (2021) -- slasher, SO much fun. enjoyed the first half way more than the second, bc it still maintained a modicum of, like, sense, but i really really enjoyed this

last night in soho (2021) -- i, like, have no excuses for myself. i loved it. there, i said it. there’s literally no character depth to be found, and it’s essentially a bava fan tribute, and i LOVED it. literally watched it in london, so seeing all the places i’d been wandering around helped make it even more immersive. but also, like, i think movies should be allowed to be fun, man

apples (2020) -- im greek and weird. it’s greek and weird. what else is there to say, truly (also, the leading actor was one of my first crushes growing up and im still. so into him. and what about it)

shiva baby (2020) -- omg u guys. u GUYS. this one is just??? so good??? literally a horror movie. watched emma seligman’s q&a on mubi, too, and could see how much making this movie meant to her, and the respect she had for her characters and her actors and her lgbt storyline and i just!!!! movies like that make me so happy, simply by, like, existing. they make the world better. GO WATCH THIS

the nightingale (2018) -- hmmmm this one is. not an easy watch. very violent. almost unnecessarily so. felt gratuitous, after a while, and if it was male-directed, i probably wouldn’t have waited the first half out. but it’s. it’s so good. spine-chilling. a slow burn in all the right ways. so profoundly human. so attuned to nature, and where we came from. so cathartic, this fight against oppression. really, truly a gorgeous piece of art

zombi child (2019) -- this is! also not an easy watch, but not for its violence. it’s a pretty fragmented tale, and slow, and sometimes loses the thread, but i couldn’t take my eyes off the screen. it’s about waking up and finding your own mind in a world that will try its hardest to hide it from you

shelley (2016) -- the main criticism you’ll hear against this one is that it’s very, very slow, but! i think we’ve already established im, like, very into that. it works so much better for me, this slow building of tension, this ominous undercurrent running through every scene, the. wrongness of it. you know something’s not right from the start, and there’s nothing you can do about it. it’s a car crash. you’re helpless

a colony (2018) -- wasn’t sure about this one before pressing play and then. it sucked me right in. it’s such a profoundly human story, full of unavowed fury and bitterness and the restlessness that dries up once you dip a toe into adulthood, and it’s. pure magic. really, truly loved it. it warmed my heart and patted my head and told me everything would be okay. and it might not, but. it made me wanna believe it will

[catrasredemption-moved]

Just wanted to say this because of the Catra redemption talk: My abuser had been the victim of long term, severe and complex abuse. They were very young when they took on the enormous responsibility of managing my family. They ignored their own true needs and mental health and subsequently continued the cycle largely to feel more powerful and in control when they were actually hanging on by a thread, sound familiar?

Learning to like Catra was a struggle for me, but she’s now one of my favourite characters. If not my most favourite. Why? Because she made the choice to be better. She reached out even when she knew people had every reason to reject her. She did as much as she could to really look at herself and listen and think about how she needed to change. It wasn’t for power or control or to stick it to someone, but because she had wants and needs and was able to allow herself to be vulnerable enough to address them honestly. She started to show who she truly was, playful, protective and true to her values. If you know what to look for, these things are demonstrated with meticulous detail. Especially her recovery being a difficult process of two steps forward and one step back.

Healing relationships where abuse has been present is difficult. Often impossible. Forgiving someone who has been abusive to you is a personal decision and frequently based on the quality or depth of the relationship before the abuse started. But someone who genuinely works on themselves and starts to change should be given the time and space to do so. They aren’t owed relationships with the people they hurt, but we, the abused, have every right to allow them back into our lives if we feel safe enough to take the chance. That’s why I forgave Catra. I wanted to give her the chance and she didn’t disappoint me. That’s why I support other people forgiving her, even after everything she did.

This was a very nice, if somewhat bittersweet ask to get at the end of the night. I’m going to continue under the cut,but basically, lots of talk with my own abusive experiences.

My mom and stepfather gaslighted me for most of my life. Made me feel like an inconvenience, like a leech that just sucked life and money out of them, like I was worthless because I couldn’t contribute, to the point where I am now married and still worry about “wasting” food (wasting being eating food).

While still living with them, I got into a relationship with a girl. Let’s call her V. She was... complicated. We found out later she had undiagnosed and untreated borderline personality disorder, and it made her downright vicious. She’d lash out at me if I was out of contact for more than five minutes, even if I was at work or spending time with friends. And none of this was out of nowhere - she was also emotionally and psychologically abused by her parents.

Full disclosure, I was in love with V, and I kept giving her chances. We broke up four times in the span of a year, always initiated by her pushing me away before I could leave her, then coming back a few months later, usually after catching up to see how I’m doing on Tumblr, then initiating conversation. She’d acknowledge how terrible she was, apologize, promise to change, to be better again.

Our last and by far messiest breakup was April 2015, mostly because I finally grew a backbone and told her I was tired of her fucking games, and to never contact me again. I blocked her everywhere I could think of and cut off any access she might have to me. I even changed my tumblr url just so she couldn’t accidentally find me again. I knew this was the final final final final breakup, and I was exhausted and depressed, and felt like I was going to be alone forever.

Fast forward to October, I’m tentatively dating a new girl - call her Shai - and I have vague hopes that maybe she’ll work out. She’s smart and she’s funny and she already knows my last relationship broke me, and she’s willing to take it slow.

Then one day I get an email from V, because of course email is the one thing I didn’t think to block. She was writing to let me know that she was trying to get her shit together, she was on medication, she was going to therapy, she was building a support system that wouldn’t be on one person’s shoulders. So I gave her a chance. I told her I had a girlfriend and that I would, under no circumstances, consider dating her again. She understood. She still understands. We’re still friends now, five years later. Because she for real, actually put the work in to try and be a better person. Shai - now my wife - knows I’m friends with her and is supportive, because she also knows what it’s like to be a deep dark hole that almost drives everyone away, so as long as V doesn’t fuck with me, we’re good.

And to be clear, I was no angel during those miserable four attempts at a relationship. Especially toward the end I started getting angry and lashing out and standing up for myself.

And, like you, I think this is why I appreciate Catra as a character so much. Because I’ve seen the real time struggle of someone who just doesn’t know how to take care of herself and handle her emotions, and how absolutely self-destructive that can be. But Catra takes that first step forward and tries. And Adora accepts her, for all her mistakes, and all her flaws, and cares so deeply for her. And if Adora wants to forgive her, then good. It just goes to show how unbreakable their friendship really is

PS - V and I still talk. Usually random two-line conversations here and there, but they’re funny and nice and natural and feel like friendship. She’s still working so hard every day to be a better person. And I see so much of her in Catra, so I might be a little biased. Catra’s trying, and Adora wants to help her try. and... honestly, I feel like that’s the moral of the story. If someone truly wants to change, you can choose to shut the door your mental health, and that’s fine. Or you can reach out and give the person another chance. It’s all your choice.

Anyway my meds have kicked and now I’m really tired so I hope some ounce of this made sense. Thank you for ending my night with this, though