#JUST SCREAMING INTO THE VOID I'M GOOD

[yes-asil]

*whispering under my breath furiously, repeatedly*

It's a passion project, you're allowed to make mistakes, it's a passion project, you're allowed to make mistakes, it's a passion project, you're alLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES-

[that-ineffable-devil]

I know I already posted about this but it was on a reblog that I think got buried under the original and I need someone else to lose their mind with me.

So the wonderful human that commented on this post about Hell's understaffing problem made me rethink something that I think a lot of us are sleeping on: Hell is RATIONING something.

At the beginning of S2 in between other remarks, Shax mentions that Beelzebub has put some lower ranking demons "on half rations." But we know celestials and infernals generally don't eat, so surely it's not food, right?

So what could they be rationing?

And then I remembered how both Heaven and Hell keep close tabs on the miracles done by Crowley and Aziraphale on Earth--even the little things.

And how, in S1, Hastur is stuck in Hell waiting for "maintenance" to come fix a leak in the ceiling. It's played off as a joke and it's something that would be so mundane for a human in an office or apartment building, so we don't give it much thought... But they can do miracles. They could literally fix that with a snap. We've seen Crowley fix the Bentley, so surely a little leak is nothing.

And Aziraphale gets reprimanded for doing "too many frivolous miracles," which we initially ignore because it's exactly the kind of bureaucratic/corporate BS we'd expect from Heaven and Hell.

But what if it's not just BS?

What if the power sources used by angels and demons are not infinite? Worse, what if they're not replenishable?

What if Hell is rationing miracles, because there's not enough power to go around?

And if so, where's the power coming from?

[share-the-damn-bed]

🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️

✨ MANIFESTING ✨

🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️

[moonchild-in-blue]

I think it's funny how most of us here went from Sad™ and Depressed™ as children/teens, only to end up ✨Sad and Depressed✨ adults.

Funny in the way that, we thought things would never get better, and they did. And funny in the way that they actually never DID get better - we just learned how to cope.

Except that we actually *didn't* learn how to cope, we just got used to it. Which really means, we didn't got used to it - we are just too tired to care.

Going through my worse depressive bouts before felt like fighting teeth and nail for a way out. It was hell, and it burned, and I cared. Now I simply shrug and be thankful there's fire to make some coffee. Does this make sense?

It was so loud and shrieking before, and now is more of a constant heavy hum, always there just out of reach, clinging to my legs and feet, dragging itself on the floor like a old dying beast. Once in a while it remembers it's alive and rips by flesh with its teeth, without any warning. Then back to playing dead. It bites less frequently now but my God, does it hurt.

I'm glad to not have to constantly fight for my life anymore, but I miss the days when that was something I wanted. I'm afraid I tipped the nihilistic scale too far and now I'm just sort of drifting away, little by little.

It's too quiet now and I don't like it.

[lokiscauldron]

Idk if this is just a me thing and I have no evidence to back this up in the slightest, but Aziraphale and Crowley have very Jmart vibes

[charliespringverse]

i think it should be possible to scream without making any noise or disturbing anyone or inviting any questions . just sometimes . as a treat .

[titaniumions]

ok but a r1999 witch hat atelier au would work so well with the foundation (and just the regular arcanists in general) being pointed hat witches and the manus vindictae as brimhats ...

[negative-speedforce]

Man moral compulsions are a bitch. The unbeatable urge to prove myself as a perfect paragon of normalcy and cleanliness.

I don't really talk about my mental health much, but this is really on my mind now.

I haven't been 'officially' diagnosed with OCD, since my insurance doesn't cover me to see an actual psychologist, but pretty much every mental health professional I've seen has been like, "Yeah, that's OCD." (no, I'm not really a cleanly person at all, that's not all it is)

Those posts that are like "Reblog if you aren't a pedo!" or "I'm blocking everyone who doesn't reblog this because they're saying they don't support trans people" are actually really, really bad. I've been getting better at ignoring stuff like that, but it actually makes me feel physically ill to not be seen as something 'clean', if that makes sense? Like when I scroll past those and tell myself they're just bait, I feel physically nauseous, and my brain is actively telling me that all my followers are gonna block me if I don't reblog that.

Most of my compulsions are based in morality. I'm assuming it has something to do with the fact that I was raised in a cult by an extremely controlling, abusive mother. I have to be perfect, I have to do it right the first time, I can't ever screw up or be problematic or not know or look away or not spread the word or-

I have to give of myself completely, while not sharing too much or else everyone's gonna know what a shitty person I really am, while not being dishonest, because dishonesty is going to catch up with you eventually and everyone's gonna see the real you and leave you and hate you.

It's exhausting.

It's like being trapped in a contant feedback loop. Say, cleaning your room, for instance. You never start, because you know if it's not perfect, someone's going to see how much of a filthy slob you are and not want to be around you anymore, so you let the mess pile up because you're terrified of starting something that you can't make absolutely perfect.

People say that it's just "oh lol I'm sooooooo OCD I love having a clean house!!!". No, this shit is fucking debilitating. watching every move you make, every step you take, just so you know you're doing it right, only to doubt yourself at every moment. Obsessing over tiny details, having full-on panic attacks if you don't get everything right the first time because you're genuinely terrified that the worst will happen if you don't.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that brains are bitches and you never know what people are going through.

[trashlie]

GOD today's Love and Deepspace update has me ON MY KNEES i am alkfjalfjkalfkjakfkjafkafjka LISTEN I read Xavier's third anecdote BEFORE I HAD AN 11 A.M. MEETING I HAD TO STOP MY CRYING AND TRY TO MAKE MYSELF SOUND LIKE I TOTALLY HADN'T JUST SPENT 10 MINUTES CRYING not my finest hour but I never said I make wise choices LMAO ajkfjkafjkafkafjkkajf I'm going to put all my incoherent spoilery thoughts under the cut but god I just have to say that yes, it's confirmed, I think Xavier really is my favorite, in the "I love them all so much and I want to gobble up this story and I need all of the lore but I will go for him above all others" kind of way LMAO like alkfjakjfjaf Xavier and MC just hit all my catnip boxes okay?

You can't fight your true nature lol

As a loyal Kiro fan I knew I would lean Xavier but I really wanted to give myself the benefit of the doubt and pretend I might make a different choice for once lol

Spoilers for chapter 8, as well as Rafayel and Xavier's third anecdotes let's goooooooooooo (and once again touching on Xavier's myth)

I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS I'M SO TENDER AND HEARTACHEY ;~;

Something I continue to love about LADS is that the LIs give MC so much agency. I firmly believe with certainty that Rafayel is not betraying MC; after all, they've already talked about needing bait for a big fish, so even IF there's a chance this part isn't planned, I believe he knows that she is capable of getting herself out of this situation, that she will handle what's being thrown at her. "Do you really think they can handle the prey I caught?" Rafayel, like Xavier, and I'm sure like Zayne, knows she's capable of handling herself, and I love this aspect so much! Babying MCs gets soooo boring.

In fact, the thing about Rafayel is despite the fact that she seems to have forgotten (in his eyes) about the promise they made, he has so much faith in her. That's half his problem, really; if he could let go, maybe he wouldn't be so hurt and hung up, but he just has so much faith in her, in her capabilities, in what she can pull off. Papergames' writing is so clever here, leaving us off in chapter 7 with that moment of hesitation, where it appears like he almost leaves at the bottom of the ocean (and probably strongly considers it!) prior to getting her to safety and then taking on the Wanderer, only to turn around and make it look like he's lured her into a trap - but he and MC have talked about this! This is what she wants! Even if he DOES have ulterior motives, I still don't believe this is an act of betrayal - MC is going to do whatever she can to enter the N109 Zone, better it be this way than another.

These are not games where we can just look at the surface and call it what it looks like. And MC is not so naive. Again, she knows what she has to do to get in, and she's partaking in it. And Rafayel knows she won't make it easy for anyone in there.

I'm sure if it were up to him or Xavier, she wouldn't be entering such a dangerous place, but it's not up to them. They aren't her handlers, so they trust her to take care of herself, and it's so refreshing to see.

I think, too, Rafayel is doing exactly what Xavier told MC to do. He, too, has a role to play in his quest for revenge, in his relationship with this organization. He can't show his weakness, he can't show his fears. He can only trust that MC knows what she's doing and that she will take care of herself and has a way out, that if things go south, she'll get out of there (and maybe try to find a way to help her if he can lol).

I think some people look at characters like Rafayel and Xavier and only see what's on the very surface: a needy, clingy, drama queen; and a stoic, calm man. But why do you think they have bounties on their heads like that? And such large ones, at that? $100,000,000 for Xavier!!!!!! Rafayel is as cunning and clever as he is sassy and dramatic, as ruthless and cold as he is sensitive and emotional (in fact, that is likely why he is so ruthless and cold, someone so sensitive is so hurt by what has happened to his people, to his family, to the hurt and betrayals he has experienced). They're so much more than what you see on the surface, so full of depth and nuance and GOD I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Like I said before, I don't love Rafayel in spite of the resentment, I love him for it.

And Xavier, my GOD ;______; This chapter was such a feast for the Xavier fans lol His third anecdote BROKE me, just absolutely devastated me. That must have been the very first "version" of MC, the first time they ever met, the first time he fell for her, and it's so easy to see why he did - how she just saw him for him, how she helped buy him those pockets of freedom, the curiosity she took in him that enabled to help him. His desperation to help her, but coming back too late ;_____; THE AGONYYYYYYYYYY THE DEVASTATION ;_____; Losing her for the first time, AS SHE DIED IN HIS ARMS HELLO?! The reassurance she'll meet him again in her next life, that no matter how many times it takes, no matter where she is, he'll find her ;__________;

The certainty that he's the same Xavier from the myths, because she is the one who gave him the star charm, the one MC of the myth is so jealous of LMAO that he has lost her before and here he is, having finally found her, and having to assist her in preparation for such a dangerous mission. And again, I just love the agency - that he doesn't talk her out of it. Instead, he prepares her. Gives her everything she needs to go best protect herself and go in with a fighting's chance.

Even though there's a chance he could lose her again, that unwavering faith. ;~;

Something I especially loved about this was the inclusion of Jeremiah, because as @poisonheart pointed out, Jeremiah is the one who has seen both MC and Xavier without the other, knows what they mean to each other, and the significance of now, of a reunion, even if she doesn't know it's a reunion. And not just for Xavier, but for himself! She was his friend, too! Xavier isn't the only one who lost her. I still don't know what happened to her, but he lost her, too. "Were you able to stay calm when you saw her for the first time?" Because he probably struggled to do so! He even slipped up, telling her he didn't think he'd ever get a chance to help her.

It's such a momentous moment and she doesn't even know because they have these memories of a version of herself she doesn't know, a version of herself she knows nothing of ;~; And it breaks my heart.

There's something so understated about Xavier's "stoicism" - everything he has to mask, the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years that he's spent quelling feelings. That he carries these memories and feelings that have never gone out, for someone who has had to get to know him all over again. Isn't that agonizing to think about? Meeting someone who you have an entire history with, so many memories of, but has no recollection, no knowledge of you? Meeting her again and waiting for feelings to blossom again - hoping they will because what if this is the time it doesn't happen what if this version of her never does - like WHAT IS THAT LIKE having to keep yourself at bay holding back your own feelings ;______;

MY AGONYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

And more than that it's like.... Jeremiah even mentioned the non interference rule and it certainly seems like Xavier maybe attempted it but.... how do you maintain that, how do you NOT interfere, when the person you've been searching for is right there, when something so awful has happened to her, when so many eyes are on her, when she's in such danger?

I JUST HAVE SO MANY FEEEEELIIIIIIINGGGSSSS ABOUT THEEEEEEMMMMMM ;________;

[rosie-b]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love ❤️

Hi @kasienda! Thanks for the ask! 🩷

True Blue - It's not even that close. This is my baby, the AU I've put the most effort into and gotten the best response to. I got to crank up Gabriel's villainy and then had to put myself in his shoes in order to get Marinette to join his side (even just for a while). It was a challenge (still is, since it's not finished yet) that I really enjoyed, and I've loved the comments I've gotten on it! I really adore it when I can know that I'm not the only one who loves my fics, and this is one of the fics that allows me that security.

it's them (again) - Recency bias, partially! The idea for this fic was just so fun to work with, and it required more thought than your average AU since it doesn't really intersect with canon at all. I had to create a whole new world, and limit what I showed for simplicity. I think it worked pretty well! It still doesn't have many hits on AO3 compared to my other works, but I think it's just the side effect of locking my fics (what can I say, I don't enjoy AI stealing my work). When few people respond to my works (like with this one) it makes it harder for me to enjoy them, because I feel like I did something wrong. But this one was born in specific circumstances that allow me to at least temporarily overlook its response, and I think it has a unique charm that I'll keep liking. Plus, for a low number of hits, there's a high corresponding rate of kudos and bookmarks on this fic, which I do find encouraging

Centuries Overdue - Another fun AU to work with! I enjoy writing things that make me think and plan and scheme, I guess. Plus I got to work with two artists on it!! This fic (historical and modern, unique magic elements, plot twist-reliant) was unlike any others I'd written, so it forced me to try new things and grow as a writer. I think it turned out pretty well!

The Bedbug Problem - The last Ladrien fic I had a real blast writing! This was for the ml secret santa exchange, and while I haven't heard whether the fic's recipient liked it, I did, at least. I had fun trying to include certain elements I hoped the recipient would like as well as the ones that would drive the story forward. It always helps when you have similar tastes to the person you're writing for, because it feels like it's partially your gift, too!

Stealing Freedom - This was the first fic I wrote that got a lot of attention (by my standards) and it's one that was a lot of fun to write! It's another fic that was a new style for me at the time and that required me to kind of scheme as I worked my way to the perfect ending. I think I struck a pretty good balance of angst and hurt/comfort where Adrien and Marinette's love for each other basically saves the day, which is one of my favorite things to read. I was really glad that other people liked it, too!

[stellarynn]

So I dunno how many people are in the same boat as me, but one of the most frustrating things in RPGs with aesthetics and character customization is that dresses always look like shit. They just attach them to the legs and try to interpolate between the legs so they kinda look like they're a dress. It ends up looking super janky, with weird angles and not like cloth anymore.

Star Citizen just released the first bit of their cloth simulation and hot damn does it look good. I don't think they have any dresses in-game yet but I am waiting not-so patiently for them

[dollypopup]

no but like. . .it really is just so fucking depressing. it's *so* fucking depressing walking into the tags and the archives and seeing post and after post and narrative after narrative of the same damn Pen stan power fantasy of Colin on hands and knees for forgiveness. of how stupid he is. of how we want other people to swoop in for Penelope.

I love this character. That feels like a rarity in this fandom, but fuck it, I do. I love him. I love Colin. I love Colin's recklessness and his silliness and his honor and his hero complex. I love that he doesn't say the right thing and that he's all but howling for someone to hear him. I love how he makes friends with all the unconventional people and I love how he doesn't subscribe to the same narrative as all the other couples. I love him for all he is. For his mess ups and his triumphs.

And forget what the show will have happen, but what is *wrong* with us, that we can't muster up ANY empathy for him at all? Don't you remember being 20 and with no idea what you'll do with your life? Don't you remember being young and aimless and unsure? Are you always perfect with what you say? With knowing when other people are interested in you? Have you never hurt someone's feelings without meaning to? Have you never said something about someone behind their back who means so much to you in a moment of poor judgement?

Don't you deserve tenderness and understanding, too? Why are we so punitive with him? I understand angst, I understand drama, but I don't know how we can be here for any period of time and not hate what we've done to him? Hate what we've done to *them*?

Is anyone listening? Is anyone there?

Do you know? Do you even *understand* how shitty it is? To pour so much love into this couple and see nothing but us hating on him? To have him as a favorite and see people calling him stupid, useless, hoping other people make him feel like shit? Nowhere is safe for us. Even his own SHIP isn't safe for us. It's just wanting him to grovel and be humiliated and jealous and sad. Where's her pride in him? Their support for each other? Where's the encouragement? The tenderness? Why have we taken their love story, that was meant to be about being messy, making mistakes, and being loved regardless, through it all, and turned it into a 'You have to suffer to deserve love' narrative, instead? Into having to be on hands and knees begging for care? Why is it everywhere? Why is there nowhere to go that isn't permeated with it? And why are WE the weirdos for loving him? Why are we the ones who need to suck it up and shut up? Why are we the ones getting bullied by other members of our ship? IT'S HIS SHIP.

What have we turned them into?

Colin is one of the best love leads in the entire series. THE best male love lead. No, I will not change my mind. And yes, I wholeheartedly believe it. Because I LOVE this couple. I love this couple so damn much. And every time I walk into these archives, I feel like some weirdo because everyone is salivating over the same Puritanical 'MAKE HIM SUFFER' shit and there's NOWHERE to go. There is never anywhere to go.

Why don't we love him more? Colin is fantastic. And doesn't Penelope deserve a fantastic partner? Doesn't Colin deserve a partner who strives to understand him?

Is the shape of our ultimate love story really one that's drawn facedown in the dirt?

[tardis--dreams]

There's been interesting developments at work and i need to do a lot of work for university so i think tonight is the Perfect time to finish beyond evil

[cuppa-ale]

I really wish that I was more interested in things. More invested and curious w/o someone needing to show it to me directly. Right now, I feel like it's really difficult because no matter what I do, I feel empty and lonely and it feels like a self-perpetuating cycle.

I want to be enthusiastic and into things, but I feel like I'm going to be abandoned or shrugged off and I can't shake that lonely feeling that makes me feel sick. And yet I also know that I can't be part of anything or get other people interested if I'm not interested, but I feel so sick because of the loneliness that I don't even want to try for fear of hurting myself more, and it loops all around. I don't want to think this way. Sometimes I don't, but it always comes back.

I feel like I desperately want to ask for validation and attention, yet I feel dumb because of that- yet I would never begrudge anyone else for wanting the same. I actually wish that people were more upfront like that, because it's normal to want those things, and no one can know if you don't speak up. Sometimes people just don't know or are socially awkward, speaking from experience. And I'm often left wondering and guessing about what I can or can't do, so somebody being upfront would be so, so massively helpful.

And yet I also know why I try to keep most people at arms' length too- I feel so afraid that I can't trust them to not hurt or abandon me or someone else for liking a character or a ship or whatever that they don't. And that may sound dumb as hell (because it is) but that also makes it extremely hard to find community or camaraderie in fan or hobby circles in general. There is always, always a hint of doubt in my mind and I hate it. I don't want to go through that again. God, I don't want to go through that again.

And I worry that I don't have much to offer another person bc of how sincerely exhausted and hermited I am.

I feel overworked and overwhelmed in my daily life. Even if I could get past this anxiety, I barely have time for anything outside of manual labor, housekeeping, caretaking, and yet I still feel like a disappointment and that I could be doing more if my brain wasn't so fucked up.

I am so tired. And I feel like I really don't have an escape or outlet. I feel so mediocre and selfish because I want so badly for someone to hold me and pay attention to me and help me and remind me that I'm not a lost cause piece of trash. But I'm also very aware of the fact that nobody can fix me or make my problems go away. I feel like I'm not happy no matter what and that scares me.

I feel like it also doesn't even matter what I do or don't do because no one is paying attention. That's probably really stupid too, but that's the mindset I get sometimes. I don't like thinking that way either.

I don't want to do things for the sake of attention or validation because that's not the reason why I do them, and I never ever want that to be the reason why. And yet I know that's what I crave, and it always rears its ugly head.

I believe that this is part of why I like Crayzar and Tyetaynus so much- Tyetaynus has been implied to be obsessed with Crayzar for years, hunting him down and "making him pay" for leaving him- but meanwhile, Crayzar just seems to not give a shit about his brother, and I think there's so much angst and drama and shit you can pull from that it's nuts. And so I really really want to make art that explores that bc I find Tyetaynus to be a super cathartic character and I want to express that "grief of what never came to be", "all i wanted was you", "I'm going to make you hurt like you made me hurt", and anger and all of those emotions and I hope it comes through, but I may as well talk about it here bc it actually makes me feel sane.

So I try to redirect those feelings into art and characters and stories in general, because idk what else to do with them. But it worries me bc again, it makes it so, so difficult to just be chill and relax and feel like I can indulge or be curious about something bc I have this horrible, paranoid, looming feeling at all times that something is very wrong and that the something wrong is me and that everyone thinks it. (even if that's not the case. I fully believe that I suffer from paranoid delusions bc I've been affected by them so, so bad, only to find that it's unfounded or I'm just being dumb. I just want someone to tell me unequivocally at all times that everything is okay and I'm okay, and sometimes that's all I can think about.)

All I want to do is make stuff at the end of the day. The one thing I want to do above all else is make stuff, even if I have to find the time from being overworked and exhausted and sick. Even if I have to make myself sick while doing so, that is the very 1 one thing I want to do in this world before I leave it.

I want to work on the doll commission I started work on recently. I want to continue working on my OCs and preparations for my first original comic. I want to tell their stories. I want to draw weird and mushy and complicated ship art. I want to draw my brain wife. I want to draw silly self-inserts and whatever other trivial thing I can think of. I want to make gifts for my friends.

I want to keep going and I want to keep doing that no matter what. That's all I want to do. I have no choice. I want to make stuff and I want to share it and I want to keep doing that until I die, or until I no longer can.

[lonely-moon-artist-blog]

What do what do what do.

I gotta be honest I had ideas on what I should draw. I just like.. Woke up 3 hours before I usually post so I really couldn't pick one.

And I just drew this. To at least keep going.

Uhm.. Sorry.

I guess I really need a theme to be able to draw at least something that I consider good?

<Eh.. Maybe I'm just not in the mood again. Sorry.>

[applepies-and-starlight]

Ok the insanity of this week has caught up to me give me a minute I need to figure out how to sort out my Feelings before the nausea and paranoia overwhelms me again—