#LISTEN TO US WHEN WE SAY THINGS ARE INTERSEXIST

[thee-radio-host-is-a-kookaburra]

every day i log onto tumblr and resist to urge to tear apart perisex queer ppl with my bare hands

[xxlovelynovaxx]

This is gonna wait a bit to come out of drafts, but I'm actually spitting mad at that exchange between me and another user about the distinction between assigned sex and assigned gender. Despite bending over backwards to avoid upsetting them or making them defensive, as an intersex person, I felt like they downplayed the significance of how assigned sex at birth is weaponized as a form of violence against both intersex and trans people.

So I'm going to state now. AGAB and ASAB are treated as the same thing much of the time, but will be used however works to enforce both sex and gender conformity. Even if perisex trans people - and typically those who have a dyadic-passing body - only experience the weaponization of assigned gender most of the time, intersex people experience both regularly. "Male" and "female" may frequently be used as adjectives meaning "man" and "woman" to be transphobic, but they are used entirely differently to enforce intersexism and altersexism, and some other forms of exorsexism.

As much as I hope someday that perisex male and perisex female will be treated as just areas within the spectrum of sex, they currently ARE different from intersex variations. I don't even disagree that bodies shouldn't be sexed OR gendered, and we should just refer to specific body parts, outside of contexts of intersex oppression.

How hard is it to listen to an intersex person who is saying "actually, people are assigned a sex at birth, it's just that if you're not intersex, you don't face violence about it and in fact benefit from it and hold privilege over intersex people"?!

How hard is it, when someone extremely gently says "okay actually, ASAB as a concept does exist and is important; but you're right that ASAB and AGAB are conflated, that sex itself is gendered because of the conflation of the two, and that both are used to uphold intersexism AND transphobia"?

How freaking hard is it, when I say "yes, but", when I'm AGREEING that AGAB is a thing, a thing that does massive harm - that "but I'm referring to your physical sex" is a bunch of bullshit - that yes in usage male and female are often used to refer to gender rather than sex, to acknowledge that assigned sex can ALSO be a problem?

How hard is it to acknowledge that assigned sex is a form of (colonial, often racist, intersexist, often transphobic, exorsexist) violence, that is as harmful and at least as prevalent as that of assigned gender?

How hard is it to let go of the idea that assigned gender is the only thing that exists or matters, just because you've universalized your own experiences?

If they are intersex, I am not aware of it, and would still like to point out that intersex people too have a wide variety of experiences. I, for example, have only experienced coercive hormonal suppression of my intersex variation, at ages 9-12 and 18-23 (if I have said before that it was only in adulthood, it's because most of us don't have access to pre-2021 memories due to trauma). I have not, to my knowledge, experienced nonconsensual surgery - it's still possible that I did especially given my infant (specific type of related) trauma, but given my early life history I am unlikely to EVER be able to find record of such.

(Being honest, I've suspected it more and more lately, but I still will not consider myself an authority on the subject or that specific kind of survivor without at least more evidence of such.)

Anyway, point being, even as an intersex person, it is possible to have assigned sex weaponized to various extents, and not consistently, either. Some people may have very visible intersex traits and have been lucky in not facing too much intersexism, while others may have more covert variations and faces extremely violent intersexism.

But is it really that hard to say "huh, I hadn't considered that viewpoint, if people of the [oppressed sex group] are saying that assigned sex is a thing and even that it also affects the people of [oppressed gender group] and how assigned gender is used to hurt us, maybe I should listen"?!

I just... just talking about how it's used in the context of assigned gender when responding to someone talking about other uses, and even asserting that the assigned gender type is the "primary" usage? Estimated numbers when including medically debated but community-accepted intersex variations put us at potentially ten percent or more of the population, so is that really the road you want to go down? because your claim might be revealed very simply as anecdotal bias.

I mean.

"we aren't assigned sexes. we are assigned genders based on our sexes, unless our sex is "too ambiguous"."

To start with, intersex variations are more than sex being "too ambiguous", and in fact precisely because so many intersex people have seemingly dyadic sex organs at birth, even those who don't undergo coercive infant surgery are often wrongfully assigned a dyadic sex at birth, and then forced to conform to that sex if their intersex variation at any point becomes apparent in any way. Often, if the intersex variation is not apparent in specific gendered ways, things like genetic results will be hidden from people by doctors so that they won't find out they're intersex.

And.

"just because society tried constructing sex and gender as the same thing doesn't mean that a group that is harmed by that idea has to promote it, you know."

Yeah, the solution to that is not "actually all terms used to refer to sex are basically only used for gender. It's harmful to conflate sex with gender so I'm going to pretend that everyone does it and talk about how assigned sex and sex terms are actually just assigned gender and gender terms. Well, primarily, since I have to acknowledge someone whose experiences directly contradict that, but they're an outlier and don't need to be counted. I'm not conflating sex and gender, I'm just saying that sex isn't a category that really exists in any meaningful way and is so heavily gendered that sex is really just gender.

Okay, maybe the outlier part is too snarky and not entirely accurate, but that's what it feels like.

I mean, the worst part is, I agree with most of what they're saying. I think "perisex" is a more important distinction from intersex than "male and female". I agree that bodies shouldn't be arbitrarily genderwd OR sexed and that ideas like "male and female hormones" are not only extremely reductive but are so to the point of often being actively incorrect, even within the context of the purely prescriptivist medical usage of male and female for sex specifically!

I even like the idea of using wolffian and mullerian to make it clear that they're simply two areas within a wider spectrum. I agree that sex terms are heavily gendered, though crucially one of the things I mentioned is knowing plenty of people who don't use them that way!

"Actually I know plenty of people who don't conflate sex and gender, and use sex as a descriptivist identity separate from gender."

"Okay but most people use male and female to mean man and woman".

Even if that's true, you're missing all of my whole points!

I just... am tired of feeling pushed aside as an intersex person, even when attempting to pander to presumed perisex egos. Is it really that hard just to make an individual who is of an identity that in my personal experience is more erased than my own, trans, nonbinary, and aspec identities collectively feel listened to?

We blocked them, which honestly I feel bad for. We were triggered and a protector did it and I don't feel comfortable undoing it, because of how badly triggered we were and how deeply unable we felt to express our own upset without them reacting emotionally in a hurtful way.

That could be the trauma speaking, but as we told our partner, "if you put up a hand to be like 'whoa hey wait a second' and someone pushes back lightly in response, it's pretty rare that escalating and saying 'hey! that's not okay!' will get them to back off and apologize. There's cases where it can make someone realize that you're serious about something important to you, but usually those cases require them already knowing you well enough to both recognize that and care."

Idk, it's not like they did anything so terrible. Like I said, I agree with them for the most part. Maybe I'm as angry at myself for not being able to be more firm and assertive about something that's critical to the oppression I face. I dunno, y'know?

But I just... I can't stand it. And as a brief aside, I feel like I'm living in a funhouse mirror upside-down world. I just got into an argument and blocked someone for saying that gender isn't actually a real intrinsic identity and that it's simply a social construct typically expressed through changing the actual concrete identity of sex, and now this, a discussion of how assigned sex isn't actually a real identity and that it's just the social construct of assigned gender and just.

SEX AND GENDER ARE BOTH SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS AND INNATE INTRINSIC IDENTITIES THAT ARE THEMSELVES DESCRIPTIVIST AND THEREFORE CANNOT BE PRESCRIPTIVELY APPLIED BASED ON ANY OUTWARD TRAITS OF BODY OR PRESENTATION!

You can basically identify as any gender or any sex for any reason. You can identify as male or female or other as a trans man, woman, or nonbinary person. You can pursue sex nonconformity but identify as male or female, or you can conform to a dyadic sex but not identify as either (such as identifying as altersex) for various reasons.

Someday, if we achieve true transhumanism, we might even be able to change any aspect of sex at any time, from the microscopic to macroscopic level.

Right now, we're stuck with a bunch of bullshit of people trying to shove two massive roughly bimodal distributions into two binaries that they don't fit into at all, and the resulting violence at people who defy and resist being shoved.

The trans community has as much a problem with intersexism as any other community, so maybe that's just why I have an expectation that especially when a fucking trans intersex person says "hey actually assigned sex does exist and it's intersexist and transphobic", that the bare minimum response should not be "but actually people mostly use male and female to mean man and woman so assigned gender is more of a thing and more harmful and actually sex is so gendered that most people don't actually mean assigned sex when talking about it".

Because I'm telling you that plenty DO actually mean sex, and that it's harmful, and the gendering of sex disproportionately affects intersex people. I think expecting someone to listen and not to essentially go "well okay but, I'm right about it just mainly being assigned gender" - to not argue however politely and speak over intersex voices... well, it's not fucking unreasonable!

I know that was not their intent, and honestly, that makes it worse. Because not being able to take criticism from intersex people when being intersexist, quite honestly, means you have the same impact as purposely intersexist people and makes you just as unwilling to change, but you get "credit" from other perisex people for "trying" despite not really doing so at all.

The fact that it's so subtle, and so "polite", the fact that if I assertively and vocally disagree I know to expect the majority of people to get angry and cruel and more overt with their intersexism, the fact that it's deflection and a lack of acknowledgement more than outright denial... well, I guess the closest word would be "microaggressions".

Used to make minorities look and feel "crazy" for being upset since oppression first existed. (Fucking reclaimed, btw. Don't @ me).

I dunno. I'm not eloquent. I'm a seething intersex person who doesn't have nice little words to appease people about this. It doesn't matter anyway. This is literally about how people didn't listen when I was nice about it, so who is gonna stop listening just because I'm mad about it?

Honestly, I think I'm most mad that - not once did they actually even say the word intersexism. Not once did they respond in a way that even acknowledged what I was saying about that, or my identity as an intersex person even. Not once did they even say "okay yeah I don't have experience with (this kind of) intersexism, my experience is of it being primarily used this way". Not once did they not only not express that their experience might not be universal, but that intersex people even face oppression for their sex. There was a token mention of intersex people at the beginning that didn't even include most intersex people, based on a misconception of what being intersex is.

At every opportunity, they redirected it back to the gendering of sex and using sex terms as gendered terms and even the idea that bodies shouldn't be gendered at all... all while never addressing the actual thing I was saying.

All while ignoring assigned sex as it pertains to intersexism and continuing to insist that only assigned gender was a thing, while not actually taking intersex experiences into account.

It's just... I don't fucking know. Just fucking listen to intersex people. Whatever.

[intersex-support]

Hi! I know this might be kind of a weird ask, but I just needed a space to talk about this and your blog appears to be safe.

So I have what has been diagnosed previously as PCOS. I'm seeking genetic testing for various reasons, but the symptoms are relatively consistent. Anyway.

One thing I never see talked about is how people with PCOS can and do face medical abuse and "correction". I was put unwillingly onto puberty blockers - ones not even intended as such, it was a common off-label use that came with potential long term side effects. I'm also trans, but didn't know it at the time. Had I known, I may have chosen puberty blockers, but it was still very much a nonconsensual attempt to "correct" my "precocious puberty".

Then as an adult, due to, well long story, but abuse from my mom, I was convinced to take estrogen-based birth control that in all likelihood contributed to my worsening dysphoria, to "manage" the huperandrogenism I'm now actively encouraging with low dose testosterone. Without constantly being told it's ugly, I love being hyperandrogenous! It makes me euphoric!

Related to this, I also got told I was appropriating intersex experiences for wanting my (already intersex body) to more closely match my being intersex. I admittedly said it poorly, in a way that made it seem like I was generalizing all intersex bodies into a common misconception, but I was trying to say that me being altersex (or another word, I've heard that term can be intersexist but don't have an alternative, if it is I'm happy to change the term I use) is a direct result of me being intergender/intergender (again, don't know which terminology to use, sorry!). I was accused of fetishizing intersex conditions by someone who admitted that PCOS should be considered one.

I don't actually know whether I had any coercive surgery in infancy due to a lot of crap with birthfamily and being removed at nine months and adopted at 14 months. But every other experience I've had has been (mostly perisex and a few bad faith gatekeeping intersex) people coercing me into fitting more neatly into a binary sex, often medically, and often with transphobia on top. I've had people deny that I can experience transness in multiple ways (I use transfem, transmasc, and transneutral/transandrogenous, particularly because I also am plural which just further complicates things.

I just... I wish people understood that I have faced many of the struggles typical to the intersex community. I have never experienced gender like a perisex person. I have always been cautious about speaking to my own experiences because I've tried to be aware of privilege where I have it and to uplift the voices of others with different experiences than mine, even where there are no dynamics of privilege/oppression.

Having people like you say "yes, people with PCOS can use the intersex label, we have shared experiences, you belong" has also been incredibly healing. It's like... I feel like people can often innately recognize when they have shared community in regards to innate identity. I felt drawn to the queer community before my gender/sexuality eggs cracked, for example. I feel like exclusion only hurts people because it- well, essentially is a form of gaslighting. "No, your experiences in this specific aspect are fundamentally so alien to ours that we couldn't possibly talk about commonalities in any meaningful way, and will deny you a belonging that is already yours." Does that make any sense?

I'm not perfect in the way I say things, so I do wanna say that I'm absolutely willing to be corrected if something I have said is harmful.

Just uh,,, thank you for listening to this long vent.

(In case I interact via anon in the future, can I sign off with "starry anon"?)

Hey, anon 💜

I'm so sorry that you've had to put up with so much judgment, abuse, and coercion from so many people and places that you expected to be safe. You did not deserve any of that. You have PCOS and hyperandrogenism, and you are intersex. You belong in intersex spaces and anyone who says you doesn't is being a complete asshole. There's so many reasons like you've listed here, where you have so many commonalities of experiences with other intersex people, and deserve to be able to find compassion and solidarity. I'm so sorry that you've faced medical abuse, and I think you're brave for speaking up about it and talking about the fact that intersex people with PCOS can and do face medical abuse. You are not alone in that, and it absolutely wasn't your fault.

You are intersex, and there is no way that you can appropriate your own experiences. I sort of do think that altersex is a label that's used in an intersexist way a lot of times and I personally tend to be uncomfortable with it, and I tend to stay away from altersex because of my issues with it. I think altersex is really only being used by people who aren't intersex, so I could see why people might have thought you were fetishizing or appropriating intersex experiences, as if you say you are altersex people are going to think you are saying you are dyadic. You can just say that you're intersex and intergender if that's language that makes you feel comfortable, although I'm not going to tell you what language is and isn't right for you to use--that's a personal choice.

I don't know you and your story and I'm also not going to tell you what ways of experiencing your gender and what labels are okay for you to use--I know that it can get very complicated when we're intersex and we're sometimes reassigned gender or sex in childhood, or at puberty, or undergo certain types of transition that's unexpected for our AGAB. I don't think that it's a free-for-all that any intersex person ever can just claim to be transmasc or transfem or both or that every single intersex person has a claim to every label, but my policy is to trust intersex people when they tell me their labels and trust that they know what the most accurate and affirming language is to use based on their own lived experiences. I think this is something that individual intersex people have to really think through and decide what labels are appropriate for them to use, and be thoughtful about what times we need to stay in our lane and when we follow our instincts. It does get complicated and my approach is to just trust that people know what labels are actually accurate to their life, and I only bring things up if it is an issue. If people are appropriating labels, if they don't have a certain type of lived experience but they are claiming that they do, if they are perpetuating oppression, then I will call people out and deal with whatever they are actually doing. I'm not going to tell you that you can't use labels or not when I don't know your life and story, or say whether you should be doing things or not, and just trust that you have thought through what is appropriate and what is right for you and listened to what the communities you are a part of are telling you.

Even though you did use altersex language, or if you were confused and couldn't figure out the best way to phrase things, you still are intersex and have an intersex body. And I completely understand wanting intersex affirming and gender affirming things to feel more comfortable in your body. I think that a lot of intersex people do have dysphoria and I know a lot of us who really have strong feelings about wanting to return to our natural intersex bodies before medical abuse, or returning to a version of ourselves that we were never allowed to be. I think that's something that makes so much sense, and even though I can see why people would react badly if they thought you were dyadic and using confusing language, know that you are not doing anything wrong by being intersex and having these feelings, and you cannot appropriate your own experiences. You belong in intersex community and are allowed to share your own experiences.

This blog is a safe space for you, anon, and feel free to share your story or come and vent if you need it.

💜💜💜

-Mod E

[himbo-the-clown]

idk I just think that trying to classify terfs going after intersex people as purely “misdirected transmisogyny” shows a fundamental misunderstanding of intersexism and intersex oppression.

Like... having our genders called fake, having people try to figure out our “true” sexes, having people accuse us of lying about our sexes and genders... that’s all just part of intersexism and the intersex experience in perisex society. It’s not unique to transphobes, it’s not something that only people who confuse us for perisex trans women do. It’s just an integral part of intersexism.

There are intersex people who are cis women, cis men, trans women, trans men, nonbinary, or just... intersex. And yet terfs absolutely hate and target all of us with active calls to violence against us, even when they’re dressing it up as “supporting” us. They advocate for medical and social abuse to force us into perisex ideas of cis men and women. Which is, obviously, compounded for those of us that are trans, but is very much oppression towards all intersex people. Just because they claim it’s for our own good doesn’t mean they’re actually trying to help intersex people. And usually it isn’t even framed as “helping,” it’s just outright aggression and violence.

Terfs accuse intersex cis women with beards, for example, of pretending to be women not because they would truly sympathise if they believed them to be intersex cis women (though they’ll certainly pretend they would), but because their intersexism is filtered through their perverse obsession with trans women and transmisogyny. And this results in your bog standard intersexism of forcibly assigning a binary sex label to an intersex person based on what characteristics you personally think they most exhibit and then the terf accusation of being a “fake” woman.

A terf claiming an intersex cis woman is a perisex trans woman (and therefore, in their mind, a man) is as much of an inherent part of intersexism as people claiming she’s a cis man without the additional hoops of transmisogyny. Just because trans people are involved doesn’t mean it’s just misdirected transphobia (also if the person’s intersex and trans, it’s not misdirected). Because it’s something intersex people experience even when we’re not dealing with transphobes. We’re constantly having our sex and gender questioned by people, and we have been since long before perisex cis society widely knew about trans people at all. Look up historical intersex people like Herculine Barbin who was intersex, afab and identified as a woman, and then legally forced to live as a man just because she was intersex and people decided she was more man than woman. Cis intersex women being called men is not a new thing, nor is it inherently tied to transmisogyny. Terfs just use their already present transmisogyny as a convenient tool to continue centuries old intersexism.

Perisex trans people need to learn to listen to intersex people of all genders about our experiences with intersexism. Because they strongly mirror transphobia and transmisogyny in many many ways, and we’re often targeted by people who happen to also be transphobic, but that doesn’t mean those people aren’t intentionally being intersexist as well (or that perisex trans people can’t be intersexist). And brushing off intersexism as “misdirected transphobia” doesn’t help trans people, but it does harm intersex people. All you’re doing is ignoring intersexism and refusing to acknowledge our experiences.

All this isn’t to say that terfs aren’t transmisogynistic or anything, it’s to say that intersex people facing intersexism that happens to mention trans people or conflate us with perisex trans people isn’t “misdirected transphobia,” it’s a very intentional shift in classic intersexism that’s just updating with the popular sex and gender based terminology of the times. And it’s also to say that on top of hating trans people, especially trans women, terfs also violently and loudly hate intersex people and actively contribute to and encourage our oppression regularly.

(Side note: learning about intersexism and the use of transmisogynistic rhetoric to intentionally harm intersex people, plus the use of centuries old intersexist rhetoric to be transmisogynistic, is a good study in how oppressions overlap and can't be neatly labelled)

Perisex opinions (cis and trans) about intersexism are not wanted. Transphobes and intersexists will be blocked on sight.

[trans-axolotl]

(CW question about intersexism)

What is the most common intersexist thing that you most frequently encounter that you wish perisex people wouldn’t have done that probably is overlooked? I’m trying to learn and I am doing my reasearch obviously but I wanted to ask actual intersex person and I don’t know anyone intersex (or at least that I know of) irl.

oh gosh there’s like so many things i can’t just choose one but like. 

- People making jokes about hermaphrodites or shemales or like jokes that use andorgyny and ambigious genitalia as a punch line

- people saying that there are only two sexes and refusing to listen to or accept that biological sex is a spectrum and a construct 

- Bullying people for the signs of their intersex variations stuff like body hair or breast growth or like any of those things. i get this SO Much irl and people are REALLY cruel and stay stuff stigmatizing intersex traits

- Saying that intersex people can’t be cis or trans (people assuming that intersex people don’t have the ability to self determine gender and that we can never actually be a “real” gender) People do this all the fucking time, saying that we’re not “real” women or men or any gender or saying that being intersex makes us lesser

- making jokes about intersex genitalia like micropenis jokes 

-Obviously stuff like intersex genital mutilation is a huge problem so that’s not really overlooked but im kind of just listing out intersexist stuff now and i dont want to leave that out 

-Intersex medical abuse beyond genital mutilation-we face so much abuse from doctors 

-People saying that intersex people are biologically more likely to be criminals because of that one fucking study (i know this sounds weird but this is a sterotype that i encounter irl ALL the time) 

-Comparing intersex people to aliens, comparing intersex people to animals

- Saying that all intersex people are inherently trans

-Saying that intersex people shouldn’t have children and that it’s good we’re all infertile (we aren’t all infertile. that’s a fucking lie) 

-  Saing that theres such a thing as an AMAB or AFAB body and using AGAB terms to talk about bodies and like childhood experiences

- Saying that intersex is a disorder or a defect, and saying that all intersex people are just male and female. (you’ll see intersex radfems and TERFs saying this all the time and one of the things they claim is that intersex isn’t a third sex which like. that’s technically true in that intersex is a term for a whole collection of variations and biological sex is a spectrum and a construct so intersex isn’t like a coherent third sex but its ABSOLUTELY not true that intersex is just male or female but disordered) 

- People using intersex people as props in arguments to like stick it to transphobes and prove that there’s more than two genders (obviously there are more than two genders that’s not what im bothered by here) but like people only using intersex people when it’s convient and spreading misinfo and talking about us in clinical terms and never actually supporting intersex issues 

-Saying that you “want to be intersex” or “want an intersex body” (i see this in trans circles a lot 

-Fetshizing and weirdly sexualizing intersex bodies (im thinking about stuff like futanari) 

I’m losing focus and there are tons of more intersexist things that happen and this is just like a short list but these are some things I can think of off of the top of my head. other intersex people feel free to add on!

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

How do you stop being a Terf? (This is a serious question)

Lee says:

That’s a hard one. First, I would also recommend unfollowing all TERF blogs, even if you were mutuals. I’d personally block the blogs, but just unfollowing would work- and get out of terf-y online spaces.

It takes time and effort to deradicalize yourself- our Ally resources has some info on stuff you can do as an ally, but I’d say the first step is using people’s pronouns, respecting their identity, and staying in your own lane about trans things- even if you don’t understand why someone is identifying the way that they do, you should accept that it’s their experience and their label and move on. 

Followers, please add on with more suggestions!

Followers say:

butterscotch-veins said: ive seen a little bit from other blogs that have since been wrongfully shut down during the whole tumblr purge thing, but theyve gotten this same question a lot and basically: it’s a process. it’s listening to trans people-trans women, trans men, and nonbinary people-and believing what they say about their own experiences, and understanding that not all people experience gender identity the same way. and it’s also learning to recognize when people are arbitrarily prescribing roles and ways of being to others, or otherwise shaming someone for ‘fitting stereotypes’, and then it gets you on the way to thinking in less, well, radfem-y ways

gaystarwarscharacter said: uh I would recommend following trans people on social media and reading up on transgender issues! the more educated you are the easier it is to understand where we’re coming from and unlearn toxicity

shadytsun said: Read and learn about trans people experiences , take your time to deconstrusct these issues

heardofbees said: Ask yourself why you previously believed(or acted as though) trans people should be excluded from your kindness and respect.

anon said: Hey terf anon, If you are considering the issues trans people face, and you are saying that you don’t want to be a terf anymore, i’d say your are already well on your way. keep learning! talk to trans folks, and listen! It is really hard to break a bigoted train of thought, and many people don’t even think to try to change, let alone try! You’ll be fine with empathy and compassion. just keep growing.

snakeonbread said: I just wanted to say I’m really proud of the terf anon! I’m glad you are recognizing hate is wrong! If you want to talk to a non-binary person I can help!

hyperandrogenism said: its important that you consider intersex people too! look at how many terf talking points like saying women instead of people with ovaries would harm intersex people,  how terf language like calling trans women “y chromos” (one i saw once) is intersexist, how sex is a spectrum, etc

bullet-farmer said: Okay, anon. I’m going to respond in good faith because I truly believe you are asking in good faith. I am not transgender, but I am nonbinary, and since TERFs often target enbies too, I feel like I have at least some of the equipment to answer you.

The process of unlearning hatred, dislike, or misplaced anger at a group of people is both as easy and as complex as it seems. Here is what I would do.

1. First, start with yourself. Ask yourself what you believe about trans people (I’m using “trans” as an umbrella term here; I am also including anyone who doesn’t fall along the male-female, cisgender binary when I say it). Write these down. Then ask yourself where you think you learned these things. If you don’t have a solid answer–provided you, unlike me, don’t have major problems with memory–the answer may be as obvious as “unlearned hatred from society at large’s treatment of trans people.” Start here.

2. Tell yourself that you must unlearn these ideas and replace them with more humane, more compassionate, and more healthy ideas if you are to give up TERF/radfem ideology. Make a solid commitment to this. I find that writing down commitments like this can be helpful; so, too, can incorporating them into a ritual or religious practice if you are religious or spiritual.

3. Start to unlearn them. When you feel them pop up in your mind or your speech, stop and challenge yourself. Ask what made the ideas pop into your head–if something turned your thoughts toward them or if they just suddenly appeared. If something made you think of them, what was it?

4. As part of unlearning them and replacing them, start to get to know transgender people as people. Read what they’ve written (books or blogs), watch films by and about trans people. Realize that every trans person is different politically, ideologically, and in how they view being trans. Educate yourself on what being transgender actually is, rather than defaulting to a transphobic idea (e.g. trans women are just “men in dresses”).

5. When you feel as though you’ve done sufficient work on yourself and that you won’t or can’t cause people emotional harm–to the best of your ability; we all cause harm without intending to from time to time–seek out transgender people to befriend and care about. Do not put the onus on them to be friends with you, or treat them like your pet morality project. Again, only do this when you feel ready, and only do it if a friendship seems to come naturally–for example, if you go to pride and end up having a great chat with a transgender person while waiting in line for your ticket, or for getting beer if you’re of drinking age, etc. When you do, remember that trans people are not here to educate you, to validate your struggle, or to cheerlead. They are people, just like you are, and want to be interacted with, with respect and care and without you putting your baggage onto them.

You can also talk to me if you want some things from a nonbinary perspective. My messenger is open, I will not expose your identity or our conversations to anyone, and I will help you all I can. I may not be able to answer some (or many) questions or to help you through some things, but I will do my best. I ask only that you approach me with an open mind, an open heart, and goodwill–and that you are over eighteen as I don’t feel comfortable, at thirty-eight, interacting with anyone younger than that.

Not everyone will want to do this for you, and you should only approach people if they unequivocally and freely offer their time and emotional resources. But I am doing as much. I am always happy when I see that people want to leve destructive mindsets behind and want to help them with that goal in any way that I can. If you PM me and don’t want to talk on Tumblr, I will also give you my email.

Let’s talk, anon. :)

[cripdeaf]

when marginalised people say “don’t call us that”, don’t fucking call them slurs

I don’t give a shit if you don’t agree with them, or you don’t think they’re good people, or whatever the fuck, don’t call them slurs. This, by the way, includes saying “at least I’m not calling you [slur]”, because yes, yes you are. It’s still calling them that, it’s just smartassery about it. Sure, you’re not technically saying it because it’s not being direct about it, but the intent is there, everyone knows it is. You’re not fooling anyone.

Storytime under the cut

So, I’m relatively new to Twitter (insert shameless plug here), despite having been registered for ages, and only really use it every now and again either for work-related things or yelling about certain activism stuff, with the occasional indulgence in yelling at a bigot.

This particular instance of yelling at a bigot actually started by looking at the other posts Stigma Productions has made, after seeing their anti-neurodivergence movement stuff from a friend. Major warning for transphobia, intersexism, anti-vaxx and anti-autism bullshit, and general conservatism. Essentially, They’re a sack of shit. One of their posts caught my attention because it was fucking tagged with Pride Month, even though it was A) blatantly transphobic and intersexist, and B) completely untrue. I responded saying that they’re wrong, and literally said I’m intersex.

“Intersex is a genetic mutation.” 1. wrong*, and 2. so what? Next you’re going to say redheads don’t count, yeah? Then they say “intersexual” and try and fucking -splain intersex to me, so I tell them that we use “intersex”, and that they’re still spouting shit they know fuck all about. “But it’s the same.” Again, 1. wrong, and 2. even if they were, intersex voices should be listened to when it comes to terminology referring to us.

So they said, and I quote: “It could be worse. I could be calling you a h*rm*phr*d*te.” I’m still in shock, not because it was said, but because of how direct and overt it was.

Don’t do this. Do not fucking do this.

[asexualmew]

Okay so. It’s  5:20 am and I can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking about a post that I had accidentally ran across this- ...yesterday morning. And, for the record, this is why I currently avoid discourse now; last year discourse had fed my mental illnesses to hard-to-believe amounts and I can’t begin to explain how horrible it was.... But anyway, with only one post, I’m here, 5:22 now, thinking about it.

It was a typical mocking post. Saying how they couldn’t understand what an aro or an ace person was suppose to get out of pride- how, do they just see a bi person waving a bi flag and think “that’s me!” or how they see two women kissing or something and go “I’m with my people!”? And the only notes on that post were only people laughing at aces and aros.

It has gotten easier for me to not reblog discourse posts within the past year of trying my best not to- but that didn’t stop me from wanting to. I didn’t know what I was going to say exactly, and I still wouldn’t know. I suppose I’d draw from my own experience, and lecture and scold.

But here I am, trying to go to sleep, and with everything that has happened today, my mind comes back to this. This idea that aces and aros shouldn’t have pride because we’ve got “nothing really in common” with LGB people, apparently. ...Heh, which is funny thinking about how just yesterday, I read on that Jughead post, how so many gay people thought that having made Jughead officially ace was homophobic, due to him being “gay coded” for... you know. Not showing attraction to women... So yeah, super homophobic, super homophobic, etc. Ah yeah, we’re so different... ....

But like. When I see a gay person waving the rainbow flag (I can’t use the bi flag example because I am m-spec), I don’t think “This is me!” and, well, honestly, despite my romantic orientation what it is, I don’t ever, and will probably never “relate” with two women kissing... But what I do see when I see a gay person waving a rainbow flag or two women kissing is “family”, or a sort of kinship.

Ignoring how transphobic and intersexist (not to mention aphobic) it is to frame pride by the narrative that you have to be “sga™” to have anything to do with being at pride or to be a part of the larger community, after a while, a few words just kept repeating in my head again and again- For you see, it’s apparent that if they don’t understand- if they don’t understand what we get out of pride then, do they understand us at all? We’re too “different” for these people. We’re being singled out by being “different” and, I mean, we’re already too different for straight people, but like, the LGBT+ community, it’s just full of people from all different communities, and we unite together by our differences, and we teach each other about our differences, so that we may make things easier for each other when straight cis perisex people refuse to listen. And, then we work together to make them listen. But like..... If we’re getting stopped at the door, and we’re like, too different from them, and too different from straight people, then, we’re like.... going back to the words my brain keeps repeating to me now, “not normal”.

And that sucks, you know? That my mind has on repeat that I’m not normal, because of other people in our community. Other people who starts off their example about how we can’t connect by having a bi person wave a bi pride flag. My pan(???)romantic ass will still never be normal enough to those shits. I’ll never relate to two people kissing regardless of who they are. It sucks that straight people never think they’re “not normal” for being straight, but aces and aros feel like they’re not normal all the time because of how society forces us all to be, but to a lot of LGB people, we’re “practically straight”, or that our ace or aro identity is just a quiriky addition or subtraction to what our other, “real” orientation is.

Dude. I am normal. Thankfully, when I discovered just exactly who I was capable of having crushes on, as early as 12, and, while I was scared of telling a lot of people, I never had trouble accepting myself- which I understand isn’t the most common of reactions, especially for a time like 2002, but, it’s taken my lifetime to accept and be comfortable that I am ace, and goddamnit, I shouldn’t be awake at- 6:03am because exclusionists wanna think me too different to enjoy a parade with them! I am different! I am very different! But I belong and I am normal!

Even if I wasn’t just different because I’m ace, my romantic orientation makes me different as well! Am I bi? pan? Who knows! But it’s different than gay! Do you see yourself when you see me wave a bi flag? I’m also different because I’m trans! It’s not the LGB community no matter how hard some of them try to make it out to be (until they want leverage).

Damn. Okay. So.

What do aces get out of pride?

We get to see ace people wave ace flags. We get to see people we’re fighting alongside be happy. We get to feel like we belong, that we’re normal, that we exist. We get to feel safe, to say who/what we are, and to live how we want. With pride, pride in ourselves, pride because we’ve been made to feel not proud, some of us can live happier, to accept ourselves in spite of what has got us here today, and hopefully some of us can be less suicidal. And, with pride, some of us can be role models, and inspire others, and make our identities more acceptable, and, honestly, keep this ball moving for the future- this ball of progress. I’ve watched progress happen, and all of these things are important.

So, I hope, even though I know for a group of people who hate people who are “different”- like asexuals and aromantics, in the future, when they see an aromantic or an ace person wave an aro flag, or an ace flag, I hope they see it how I see someone waving the rainbow flag; “Family.”

[xxlovelynovaxx]

Not to beat a dead boner but the irony of calling someone ableist for... *checks notes* getting triggered due to trauma from intersexist oppression and having the protector that fronted block the person, who is not entitled to our space or time, is...

(And yeah, this is about a person we had invited to help mod our disability sideblog... BEFORE this happened/while it was happening, when we still thought they would listen to an intersex person about how assigned sex is actually a real thing that is weaponized against both intersex and trans people ALONG WITH assigned gender)

Like, oh, you're mad at us for something that happened as a result of a mix of disabilities and reacting to YOU being mildly intersexist? And calling THAT ableist? What, because we didn't have the privilege of being removed enough from the situation to be patient with you about not actually addressing what we were saying and ignoring intersexism in a conversation about sex? Like, I'm not judging you if you need patience and extra time and energy to talk about that kind of thing, but I DON'T have that time or energy to give and I'm not able to be vulnerable enough to risk being hurt while trying to help.

I honestly think the best way to put it is that I blocked due to conflicting access needs. While I'm very annoyed by the intersexism, it's very mild and I don't think it makes them a bad person - even with them being resistant to people trying to teach them about it. That can very much be a disability thing and they may still be able to learn in their own time.

While I have gotten angry about it a couple times, that's a me thing - they just got caught up in their personal experiences and not being listened to when talking about my own experiences, especially when saying "hey yours aren't universal" is a HUGE personal trigger of mine. I can own it. That's why I blocked.

The "lowkey transphobic" is just so out of left field that it's funny though. I'm... transphobic?? somehow?? for acknowledging that while assigned sex and gender are often conflated, both when they are and when they are not they are used against intersex and trans people and especially intersex trans people?

Ah yes, the mild transphobia of... being a trans person who experiences transintermisia. Sure buddy. It's not like I didn't coin a whole term for that specific intersection of identity that leads to a complex type of bigotry or anything.

[himbo-the-clown]

Every time I see someone reblog a post by this one popular (and very performative) social justice blog I remember the time they came onto my post about being intersex and how the sex binary is fake and we shouldn’t classify people by sex and

1) Told me my post was pointless because they’d seen a post about it before and their friends already knew the information

2) Told me my experiences as an intersex person in the trans community weren’t real or valid and that only TERFs believe in the sex binary

3) Suggested I check out their tag about intersex people to learn more, because clearly as a perisex person their tag about intersex people will be much more useful to me than my own lived experiences

4) Accused me of trying to make trans women say their sex is “male” and then stopped responding after I told them that I didn’t say that, that I actually argued for no one talking about sex at all, and that it was also intersexist of them to assume that trans women can’t be intersex (I feel like it’s important to note that they’re not transfem either, they were just using trans women as a prop to defend their intersexism)

Like their blog is filled with high-note posts about social justice and I see their posts on my dash all the time and it just fills me with the desire to laugh and also cry because like... every other post of theirs is about listening to marginalised people, and yet their actions literally don’t even come close to what they’re preaching. All they do is spend their time yelling at people on the internet, and that includes yelling at marginalised people for talking about their own oppression.

And here’s the thing, this is just one experience I’ve had. It really makes me wonder how many of those Loud Social Justice blogs are actually for social justice and how many just want everyone to think they’re the most progressive person in the room. Idk I don’t wanna like... make a callout post or whatever, I really have no desire to get into an online fight with some fake-progressive with a massive following because they’re really not that important to me rn in the grand scheme of things. I’m just tired of seeing so many big social justice blogs that, when you scratch the surface at all, are clearly just in it for the clout and are actively talking over the people they’re claiming to help.