#Last time I had a ‘friend group’ was freshman year of hs and it was toxic and terrible and agh

[seiwas]

your boyfriend is your highschool sweetheart??? sel that is so cute im 😿😿😿what was your first date like!!! what did you do!!!

I WANNA talk about my boy best friend bc i love him sm 🥹🥹🥹we met during our freshman year of high school and we went to a small nerd school,, we both happened to be the only freshmen in the sophomore math honors class bc we both tested into it and i first i saw him as an enemy bc i thought i was supposed to be the only freshman!!! i wanted to be special!!! also i was kinda mean and he never took anything super seriously so we had that very joking dynamic and we never payed attention in class (me and another guy would always draw dicks and weed leaves over his notes and programmed an automatic dick-drawing graph on his calculator and that was the entire year)

but we became really good friends because we were the only freshmen and we bonded over that, but we started to get really close around junior year bc we finally started developing actual personalities and stuff, and the only class we had together was physics but he made it so fun and so comfortable, he brought his own lunch every day but he always walked me and stood with me in the lunch line so we could spend more time together 🥹

and during senior year his classes ended early but he'd wait until my classes were over so we could get a quick lunch before my lab every week! i had really strict parents so we couldn't hang out super often outside of school, he even switched his schedule around for me for our second semester so we could actually have a class together (we were definitely super loud in class i feel like everyone definitely were either annoyed at us or really enjoyed listening into our conversations) and now that we're in college we see each other less but we're trying to find more ways to hang out together

and when we were signing each other's yearbooks he wrote like four paragraphs about how much he appreciated me and i was just like 🥹 'cause he's a guy and he doesn't talk about his feelings that much and i just felt so loved and he definitely wrote the most in my yearbook out of everybody

BLIKE usually boys (esp in high school) don't really become friends with girls unless they have ulterior motives in my state but IDK i've never clicked with a guy as much as i've clicked with him, he's made it so clear that he'd never want anything romantic from me which i really appreciate bc a lot of guy friends that i've had usually end up confessing and im like 🧍‍♀️we don't talk about a ton of personal stuff a lot of the time but he's always super understanding when i need to talk to someone and super supportive like he's just SO easy to be with, when people say girls and guys can't be friends 'cause one usually wants something more with the other it's just not true !!

he's been dating this really nice girl for a couple months now (which lowkey caused so much tea in our friend group it's such a long story) so i try not to hang out with him alone a ton of the time, but we're gonna hang out this week and go to a research get-together thing!! it's been a little bit less than two weeks since i've last saw him so i'm super excited

also chanyeol looks so good in his teaser!!! i kinda wish it was an album or something but :((

-alexis (@kissxcore)

alexis!!! so happy to see you here!!!! 🥺 welcome to the sleepover!!! ✨

let's have a sleepover!! 💗 send me any questions/stories you wanna share!!!

and yes omg jsksksbz my bf is technically my hs sweetheart 😭 and oh gosh our first date? hmm we used to hang out a lot one-one before we got together so what constitutes as a date has always been a bit blurred for us 😭 (i think our dynamic is very best friend-y!) but!!! the first time we went out for dinner after getting together was this one night after we both went to different parties!

we met up after and found this small ramen place along the street and ate there until like 12mn or smth 🥹 that was it!! nothing too fancy 😭 ever since, i think i can count on my one hand the number of times we’ve been on actual ‘dates’ just bc we hang out so much and prefer to chill at home more than anything 😭

but your story omg 🥺 your boy best friend!!! that is so cute alexis 🥺 your dynamic sounds so funny aksnsj and not you hating his ass at the start bc of that rivalry 😭✋🏼 that automated dick drawing on his calculator is so real too 😭 the best high school friendships are truly the ones that get u in trouble for talking too much in class 😭

‘bc we finally started developing personalities’ HELP & he sounds like such a sweet person alexis omg 🥺 how he’d bring lunch but still walk you to get yours lIKE ?!?!?! so you could spend more time together!! and how his classes ended earlier than yours but he’d still wait for you WTHEK 🥺 AND!!! how he switched schedules around with you omg??? + that fact that you feel comfortable and safe w him!!! a friendship to treasure!!! 🥺💗

and your yearbook oh gosh four paragraphs!! that’s so sweet alexis 🥺 i super get what you mean aisnsj not a lot of boys tend to write/express themselves a lot so that must feel really special 🥺

and you’re so right abt boys in high school and ulterior motives!! & i’m glad that you both have been clear w each other that it isn’t like that at all!! i think feeling at ease and supported in any type of relationship is so important 🥺 so happy you found that with him!! and tbh i agree!! how it isn’t true that guys and girls can’t just be friends 😭 i super get what you mean!! i have a lot of friends who are guys 😭

and omg i'm so glad he found a really nice girl!! 🥺 he deserves it with how sweet he is!! are you good friends with her too? how does she feel about you being close to him? (and omg the tea in the friend group 😭 what happened....) & AAAAH i'm so excited you're going to be reunited!! nothing beats the feeling of being with your best friend after a long, long time 🥺

i think i can kind of relate!! bc while my bf is technically my best friend, some of my other closest friends are guys too!! (who are also really close to him, they're in his hs friend group!! now we have a small subgroup of me, my bf, my bf's best friend, and one of his good childhood friends) it's funny & cool bc i had formed individual friendships with them at first, not knowing that they were all good friends with eachother until we all just started hanging out together 😭 oh!! i even have the same birthday as my bf's best friend 😭

we have very sibling dynamics i think 😭 one as my little brother and the other as one my age 😭 the one i see as a little brother was a bit of a troublemaker back in high school, we all found out on the day of his graduation that he'd be walking and i think almost burst into tears omg 😭 & even up until college, i was always getting phone calls late at night abt him being wasted af somewhere, so i'd worry and make arrangements for him to get home safely 😭 he also had a super toxic ex gf who was jealous of me omfg 😭 (but it's so weird bc she was my friend for literal yEARS before they got together) (thats why i ask about if you're good friends with your bestfriends current girlfriend!! bc that's all i could ever want omg... for me to be close to my friends's gf's too 🥺)

all this to say that!! i think my heart expands every time i think of them and our lil friend group! bc! a part of me feels like, those are My Boys, y'know? they're both so nice and thoughtful 🥺 i always have these one-on-one brunch/coffee-chat updates with them about life every now and then, and they always offer to be my ride if we're going somewhere with our friends!! when i was ldr with my bf, they were really there to keep me company too 🥺

this got so long i'm sorry i love gushing abt my friends hsdbajs omg but thank you so much for sharing alexis bb 🥺 i hope your day with your bestfriend is good!! 💗

[copingmechanism1899]

July 31, 2024

Hmm… it’s been a while. But now I’ve got to change. A big thing this summer: therapy. I’ve done the one-on-one thing before, but this is some group shit.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think group stuff can work for some people, and I like the handouts we get (I like having notes on paper, visible in front of me). But… most of my problems are with people, so being with people isn’t my favorite.

There are some “characters” there, but they come and go. And we’re not supposed to become friends or anything so it’s fine 90% of the time. I just, don’t talk to anyone during breaks. Sometimes people will say something and I’ll respond, we’ll have a lil back and forth, but that’s about it.”

During groups, I do my due diligence, answering questions when asked, and sharing when all of us are told to say something. I have a bit of a problem where I don’t like silence, and so when the therapists are at the front and say “Anyone? I can’t really read the vibe of the room if nobody says anything,” I sometimes say stuff even if I’ve already gone. And I fear that makes me seem like I talk lot because I also hate when people can’t stfu.

But I digress. I’m a people pleaser and a pushover so every time I open my mouth it’s a little game of “am I talking too much? Is everyone annoyed? Do they think I’m trying to make it about me?” Haha… fun inner monologue.

Schedule wise, I was at the all day “PHP” (9:30-2:30) for a while, and have since been moved down to “IOP” (9:30-12:30), so, nice. I’ve not really had a summer of freedom since before highschool. From going into freshman year of hs, into sophomore year of college, I was doing summer school. And after that, every break I was in a cast/boot/wheelchair, unable to walk.

Last summer was the first time I didn’t have summer school. I thought that I would actually do something fun, then buckle down next summer and get a job or something. But I didn’t. Sucks, but what can I do. So I thought, “maybe this summer.”

But nope, I come home, and not even a week later I’m in therapy for most of the day. (Not to mention all the dr appts I was catching up on before that as well.)

Overall I think it’s going… fine. It’s not as painful/cliché as it could be, and I think what they’re teaching is good. In theory. And that’s the problem. I’m not sure that I can use what I’m learning in the moment.

This past week, I actually went out of state with family to visit other family. And yeah, it was fun, and stressful. But overall, no thoughts. And if you asked, I’d say I had fun and list the stuff I did.

But in hindsight, there were probably someone moments where I could have used some of the skills I learned. But they never even crossed my mind.

I’m very forgetful, and another example of that is I had a convo with the therapist, and she suggested “journaling”. And gut reaction: how in the dork diaries is writing in a little glittery book from justice going to help me?

But I know “journaling” can be different. I know a lot of people do poetry (i fucking despise poetry), or just write down to-do lists or what they did that day. So I figured, hey. I’ve already done this, right? I’ll just go back to tumblr.

Whatever, she asked me to do this, when? The 16/17th? And this is my first time doing it. Yikes. Not too hot on the consistency train. But it’s a step right? They say “trying is doing” so they’d count this as a win (even if I wouldn’t).

Feels like a cop out, like I’m doing it just to do it, it feels disingenuous. But I feel worse saying that I’m not doing everything I can (no matter how stupid) to get “better.”

So I’m going to therapy, I’m taking my (newly prescribed) meds, and I’m trying so f*ing hard to “be open” and talk with my mom.

Yeah, that’s another can of worms. But it’s getting better ig. I still feel like if I’m not doing something productive, that I’m failing and disappointing people, but that’s a personal thing.

I need to working through that, but therapists aren’t there to tell you exactly what to do. And that sucks. I want someone to tell me how to not be scared of the (very near) future full of unknowns and uncertainties. Nothing is guaranteed, and I’m terrified that I’ll make the wrong choice (or that I already have), and that I’ll be a burden or a failure.

Yay, rumination (that’s something I learned about haha…). Great start to this journaling stuff.

[star-fandoms]

Welcome

This is gonna be my fandom sideblog where I literally will just post art of fandom ocs and absolutely ramble about them(Them being my ocs, and whatever fandom I'm hyperfixating on at the time) Although not all fandoms I like I have ocs for and don't plan on making any for.

This is also HEAVILY a canon x oc(Oc NOT personas/self-inserts!!) so if you don't like that, that's fine! Just block me and move on, no big deal! Also I do kind of change some of the settings to fit my oc's in, but it's nothing extreme I don't think. Also I am not taking this blog seriously LOL, I will just ramble about whatever, whenever because holy moly the inside of my brain is an eternal hell. Maybe I could even make some friends with similar interests FHDGHJDGHJ. If you see any fandoms you like that I also like we should ramble about them and if we have any ocs for our mutual fandoms they should be besties! I guess I should get into the fandoms I like!! Oh also cw for some of these fandoms(Like the fanbase is huge and largely toxic, please don't group me in with those toxic people. Also some of them do have some not so great creators, I'll get into it more later. If you have any feeling that you know which ones I'm talking about and don't want to see me talk about them or whatever, then I would recommend not following!) Also not every fandom I have finished reading, watching, playing, and some of them are just fandoms I REALLY wanna get into, some of them are fandoms that I'm not really involved in anymore. FC stands for Favorite Characters and some of them are more like characters I'm interested in/like their design. I've colored the series names, cause it's a lot to read so if you're interested you can just read the series names and see if you like them as well! Long post, REALLY long post below

Anime/manga

Kimi ni Todoke (I'm SO excited for season 3! One of the first animes I have ever watched!! Would recommend if you're looking for a cutesy romance story, although it's still filled with drama. I have no oc's for this story. FC: All of em honestly)

Ouran high school host club (Another one of my first animes, I hold this anime very near to my heart. I know I DID have oc's for this story, but not anymore. I don't think I'll be making any oc's for this story, at least not any time soon. FC: Mori, the twins, Haruhi)

Fruits Basket (Another one of my first anime's LOL! I watched the 2001 version and haven't gotten around to the newer version, though I would like to watch it eventually. I don't have ocs for this story and I'm not planning on making any. FC: Kyo, Momiji)

Blue Lock (I started reading the manga like peak Quarantine, I would be reading this during virtual learning. When the anime came out I watched it with my sister since she used to play soccer, though we never finished sadly, so now I'm rewatching it again on my own. I do have oc's for Blue Lock. FC: Nagi, Rin, Kurona, Kaiser)

Blue Period (I never finished this one, I really need to! I still have oc's for it though. It was recommended to me by my sister who watched it, and I was drawn in because it's an art anime so ofc I would be interested. FC: Haruka)

Tokyo Revengers (I believe I'm still on season 2, like one of the last episodes of season 2, like seriously just finish it already, Star. Anyways I had binged the first season and moved to the manga to finish what was out at the time and I kept up with updates as they came out. Still can't believe season 3 is out, feels like just last week I was watching the first season and being obsessed. I do have oc's for this anime, a lot of them lol I hold them close to my heart despite not having solid designs out yet. FC: Mitsuya, Rindou, Sanzu, Wakasa)

Jujutsu Kaisen (BARK BARK BARK CHOSOOOOO, pardon me. I wonder who my favorite FAVORITE is??? Yeah jjk was an anime I found freshman year of hs, back when Megumi was my main favorite. Anyways the love-hate relationship I hold with this anime is insane. All the bad stuff? never happened, k? I do have oc's for this jjk! FC: Choso, Ino, Megumi, Inumaki, Yuta)

Demon Slayer (I didn't finish the latest season, however I did read the manga after finishing the first season which was all that was out at the time, but I also didn't finish the manga LOL. I do have ocs for kny! FC: Inosuke, Mitsuri, Muichiro, Gyutaro)

Bungo Stray Dogs (I binged the first season and then got bsd burnout soooo yeah I'm only on the second season. I have ocs for bsd! I love the art style and had wanted to get into it for a while, I do want to go back and finish it! FC: Akutagawa, Yumeno, Chuya)

Trigun Stampede (Another anime I never finished, you'll see a lot of these LMAO! I was really drawn by the art style and animation, I believe an edit pushed me to watch it. I still need to finish it and then I also want to watch the original because I've heard a lot of good things about it! Yes, I do have ocs for it as well! FC: Vash!!)

Osomatsu-san (I remember trying to get into it in middle school due to edits and fanart I had seen, I have some old OLD art of those ocs still. I did want to try getting into it again, but I've still only watched like 3 episodes so I'm really not far at all! I want to redesign my old oc's, but yeah I still have em'! FC: Ichimatsu, Karamatsu, Jyushimatsu, Choromatsu)

Nanbaka (I never finished Nanbaka either... I vibe so hard to the opening though, it goes hard. The character designs really caught my attention cause they were just so out there, like I was pretty used to more tame designs but then here Nanbaka is using these vibrant color combos and some interesting hairstyles and catching my eyes. I also have ocs for Nanbaka! I did start watching it again since it had been like 3 years since I watched it. FC: Nico, Kenshirou, Upa, Seitarou)

One Piece (Mmmmm One pee. Yeup. I told myself I would never watch it, mainly because of the cough cough 1000+ episodes and well considering how I struggle to finish animes, knew that the day I finished this anime would be the day hell freezes over. Anyways tell me why like 2 years ago I tried watching it and only made to episode 5 and then I pick it up earlier this year(2023) and make to episode 185 in like a month or two?? What happened to me?? The chokehold this series had on my brain is insane. I definitely have my own issues with it, such as the sexualization of the women and with that the proportions, but honestly I still really like this anime. I also have ocs for one piece, they might honestly be the first ones I show, but its not all of them, just the ones I have references for. FC: Kobe, Shanks, Ace, Sabo, Luffy, Corazon, Penguin, Bepo, Nami, Robin, Chopper)

Hunter x Hunter (Oof! I really need to get watching this anime already. I've wanted to watch it for so long and I've tried over 3 times but I just can't seem to find motivation to watch it. I Did have oc's for this, but obviously since I've hardly even watched it, they're sloppy and need redesigning. FC: Kurapika, Chrollo, Feitan)

Bleach (I know a bit about Bleach through my sister cause while I was hyperfixated on One Piece, she was hyperfixating on Bleach. I sounds interesting, I just haven't made it super far mainly cause I don't have motivation to watch it. I do want to make ocs for Bleach! FC: Chad)

Madoka Magica (I had wanted to watch Madoka Magica for a while but could never find motivation, even now I'm only on episode 2. I do really like what I've seen so far and I'm excited to get to the more messed up parts! FC: Madoka, Sayaka)

Snow White with the Red Hair (It's been like several years and I'm still on the first season. I made it to the final episode of the first season before getting bored and then I came back aware of a season 2 and wanted to watch it so I wanted to finish the first season but then wanted to rewatch the first season to remember what happened but I'm still not at season 2 yet because I haven't continued watching it in months. You'll see this happen a lot as well with me. I don't have any ocs for this and don't plan on making any. FC: Shirayuki, Obi)

Full Metal Alchemist (I've only ever heard good things about Full Metal Alchemist and so I've wanted to watch it for years, but I never got around to it. I still do want to watch it, but I'm not sure when. I also don't know if I'll ever make ocs for this show either?? FC: unsure as of now)

Haikyuu (I think I'm still on season 3/4 I can't remember which one. I did start rewatching it again, I made it to episode 15 so yay, I need to watch more. I started watching in middle school, got bored and took a break and then went back to it in high school, and now I'm watching it again. I do have oc's for Haikyuu! FC: Kenma, Sugawara, Iwaizumi, Osamu)

My Hero Academia (Thank goodness I wasn't there for the peak worst part of mha. I mean I had watched a bit of mha in middle school, but I never really got into it. I do love the style and the characters though, and I really like what I've heard about with the story and stuff, I'm excited to catch up. I'm currently on the 3rd season and I do have oc's for mha! FC: Taishiro(Yes, I love both versions, there is no being a Fatgum simp if you only like the skinny version>:(, Mirio, Amajiki, Ragdoll.)

The Ancient Magus Bride (I've wanted to watch this anime for a while and finally got around to it. It's not at all how I was expecting, though I enjoy it! I don't think I'll make ocs for this anime. FC: Silky, Ruth)

Attack on Titan (This anime has a special place in my heart and honestly I was debating ever continuing it. I watched it way back when it only had 1 season with my mother and my sister and we were patiently waiting for season 2, however my mom passed away like a year before season 2 so my sister and I never watched anymore since we always considered that to be an us three kind of thing, it just didn't feel right to watch it without mom. But now that I'm older and it's over, I want to watch it again. If ghosts exist, then maybe my mothers ghost can watch it with my sister and I! I don't have any oc's yet, but I do want to make some. FC: Armin)

Blue Exorcist (Something similar to aot happened to blue exorcist as well. It was an anime that mom and I watched together. I believe one season was out at the time as well. I never watched the ova or season 2, mainly cause I didn't know they had been released, but when I found out I held back since that was like mom and I's thing, but once again, I wanna try watching it again. I don't know if I'll make any oc's for Blue Exorcist. FC: Rin)

The Apothecary Diaries (I love shoujo anime so this is a must watch. I also really enjoy the main character like a lot! Like she kind of slays, she a baddie. I don't have much to say mainly cause there's not a lot out, but I enjoy it a lot so far! I don't see myself making any oc's for this show. FC: )

Act-age (Honestly, I haven't started reading this at all. I just saw this one dude from the manga on my Pinterest and went "I like the style and this character, where he from." And then added it to my to read list. I know absolutely nothing about it so far. I don't know if I'll make any oc's for this manga. FC: unsure as of now)

Battle Angel Alita (One of my best friends in the entire universe was telling me about this. Honestly I don't know much, but it sounds interesting, I have to read it and then gush about it to my bestie. I don't know if I'll make any oc's for this manga. FC: Unsure as of now)

Pumpkin Night (Okay the website I was using to read this manga had a horrible translator and that kinds threw me off, but pushing that aside, I really REALLY like this manga. The style is really clean and pretty, and I love Naoko's design. I believe I saw an edit of her years ago in early middle school and wanted to read it since and got around to it in early high school. It's really gory, so if you don't like that, would recommend you avoid it. uhm and depending on which website you're using, you may have really horrible translations, I don't mean like bad grammar or anything like that, that would be absolutely fine, I'm talking about the translator being a shitty person. I don't see myself making any oc's for this manga. FC: Naoko

Yona of the Dawn (Kimi no Todoke gave me newfound hope that Yona of the Dawn will get another season despite all this time, I am clinging on to threads honestly. I've spent so many night crying, hoping for a season 2. Everyone who has watched YotD wants a season 2, come on please! I NEED it!! Like I still see the manga getting updates so there's plenty of content to make a season 2 and once again its in high demand from those who watched/read YotD. I do want to make oc's for this show, I believe I had some but they're old and I remember nothing. FC: uhm like everyone <3)

Land of the Lustrous (Another anime I'm clinging onto to hope with for a season 2. I NEED it. I have a hard time finishing animes, let alone rewatching them, but tell me why I could watch land of the lustrous over and over again. It is so good. I do want to make oc's for this anime. FC: Phos, Cinnabar, Diamond, Padparadscha, Aculeatus, Antarcticite, Cairngorm)

Remarried Empress (Ooooo pulling all-nighters in high school to read this was definitely my favorite decision. In all honesty though, this manga means a lot to me and has inspired some of my own stories, I didn't think I would be one to like the old-timey ruler stuff, but I am. I also love the relationships between the characters. I don't see myself ever making ocs for this series. FC: Navier, Heinry)

Death is the only ending for the Villainess (Also pulling all-nighters to read this during high school. I loved the art style and the story. I don't really keep up with it anymore which happens with a lot of manga's that I read. Either their anime's come out, or I just get tired waiting for updates. Anyways, I really like the mc and who she ends up with, they scare me lol. I don't see myself ever making ocs for this series. FC: )

Today the villainess has fun again (Honestly, read this awhile ago and hardly remember anything. I know there was the one dude with pretty eyelashes and I fangirled over his blushing face. I don't see myself ever making ocs for this series. FC: )

Spy x Family (Watched this anime with my sister, though we never finished it. We finished season one and think we made it kind of far into season 2. I think it's a really cute anime and want to finish it, I can't wait for it to get more darker and more serious. I don't see myself ever making ocs for this series. FC: Yor)

Beastars (I haven't watched the anime or read the manga but I want to! I've heard so many people talk trash about this anime before giving it a chance since it's "furries" but then like when they do watch it or for those who watched it without judging it, only say good things. I do know some spoilers, like I'd say I know like the basics. But I love the animation and art style and the story seems really interesting! I know I'll have to read the manga since no more seasons will be coming out sadly, but also because of the side stories. I don't know if I'll ever make oc's for Beastars. FC: Unsure as of now)

Chainsaw Man (I remember my sister reading the manga and then us finding out that there was gonna be an anime adaptation, so I held off on the reading. I really liked the style and animation, and the opening made it to my spotify wrapped last year. I did have oc ideas in mind, I never got around to designing them. Honestly the ideas I had I'm not really proud of either so most of them will be getting redesigned entirely. FC: Power, Angel Devil)

Sailor Moon (I haven't watched this anime in so long! It been since 3rd grade and I made it to 60 something episodes. Back when anime episodes were uploaded on Youtube with little to no problems. I wanna rewatch this anime so badly. I don't think I'll make any ocs for this anime though. FC: Sailor Mercury, Sailor Chibi, Luna )

Tokyo mew mew (I need to watch the reboot, I used to looove magical girl anime's in elementary school. I don't remember much other then liking the show and watching old Ichigo x Quiche amv's and hating the main male lead. I don't see myself ever making oc's for TMM. FC: Quiche, Ichigo, Minto)

Shugo Chara (Another anime I haven't finished. I showed this anime to my sister and she got farther then I did, I don't think I even made it past season 1. I still want to go back and watch it though. The openings are bops! I don't see myself makings ocs for this anime. FC: Amu, Ikuto, Tadase)

Cardcaptor Sakura (Never even started watching it, I just REALLY want to!! I've seen some Clips on youtube, and some funny dub moments on tiktok. I can't see myself making ocs for this series. FC: unsure as of now.)

Neon Genesis Evangelion (Another anime recommended to me by my friend. I've only watched like 8-9 episodes. I want to watch more, and I'm excited to see those darker moments cause I love stuff like that. I don't think I'll be making any oc's for this anime either. FC: Rei)

Noragami (I only watched the first season in like 5th grade or something. But now I'm seeing like all the latest chapter stuff on tiktok and like wanna rewatch/finish the anime and then read the manga, unless they'll animate the entire manga. Anyways I don't think I'll be making any characters for Noragami. FC: Hiyori, Yato, Yukine, Kofuku)

Mod Psycho 100 (Despite me only being on the second season, I do hold this anime close to my heart. I NEED to finish this anime, especially now that it's like over. I do have ocs for this anime! FC: Mob, Reigan, Teruki, Dimple)

Shows

My Little Pony (I remember skipping school in 4th grade to binge the seasons that were out on netflix. I used to have a whole bunch of mlp toys as well. I loved mlp so much when I was younger! I did want to rewatch it again recently, sometimes it's just really nice to go back and watch shows you loved as a kid, even if you cringe at how obsessed younger you was with the show(Pretty sure I tried doing a fluttershy cosplay with what I already had when I was younger.) I have a ton of mlp ocs, that I made on pony town since I really struggle with drawing ponies, but I think I'm getting better! FC: Fluttershy, Pinkiepie, Princess Luna)

South Park (I had wanted to watch south park for a long time but just never had anywhere to watch it until recently! That said I obviously haven't made it far lol. Think I'm only of season 3 or something. Obviously the show has horrible humor and touches on bad topics in a poor manner so avoid this if you're sensitive to that stuff, not that there's anything wrong with that of course! I do have oc's for this show and I'm working on my own sort of au I guess. The south parkies will NOT like me I guarantee. FC: Kyle, Wendy, Kenny, I don't know the other characters well enough to have an opinion.)

Ninjago (I remember this show airing when I was around 9-10, somewhere around that age group, and I wasn't super interested, think I watched like an episode or two. But then like I had started hearing all this talk about Ninjago online and it was only good stuff and I had wanted to watch it since. Too bad the fandom's pretty much dead :( I'm still not done watching it. I do have oc's for it though! FC: Kai, Llyod, Nya)

Lego Monkie Kid (I've rewatched this series 3 times within the past 2 months, so if that's any indicator on how good this show is and how much I love it, there's your sign to watch it. I got my bestie to watch it as well and now we're both hyperfixated. It's great and the seasons and episodes are both short so it's a really easy show to binge. I love the characters and the story. I also love the Eternal Servants au by @/emelinstriker (Sorry I don't know if it would be okay to tag her over something like this, I'll tag her properly when I do fanart!) That being said, I do have oc's for lmk and the au! FC: Macaque, Ao Lie, Mk, Redson)

Arcane (I was shocked when I found out this was a League of Legends show, it also kind of dissuaded me from watching it, but I'm so glad I did! This show is so well done! I've named plants after the characters, I have a little solar light-up polar bear named "Claggor", I named my cat "Ecko", and not that this was intentional, but when my sister and I first watched it my hair was dyed blue and hers was dyed pink. Needless to say, I love Jinx and I've never related to a character as much as I do with her. I'm so excited for season 2. I won't be making oc's for this show though. FC: Jinx, Ekko, Victor)

Bluey (I love this show so much! A huge comfort. I understand that some might be drawn away by the fact it's like a children's show, but it was really comforting to me. Like it was nice to see a good family, not perfect of course, a good and healthy family. And some parts reminded me of me and my sister. And the show isn't just like some normal kids show where the characters are asking you where an apple is when its right in front of them, no this show actually feels like it's teaching me something. Like this is something that I would show my kids and be able to watch this with them. I won't be making oc's for Bluey. FC: Bingo)

Games

AMONGUS (Among us was really fun to play with friends, it sucks that I'm so bad at it though. It's also so easy to tell when I'm imposter cause I just target one of my best friends, she does the same to me, it's great. I do have among us ocs! I even made a little story around them!)

Witches Heart (I finished watching manlybadasshero play the main game but I don't think I ever finished the bonus stories. I love the story and the artstyle, it's a big inspiration for when I'll make rpg's. I think I might make oc's for this story, but I'd want to watch it again. FC: Wilardo, Sirius, Noel)

Your Turn to Die (I haven't watched the latest update yet so I'm not caught up yet, I also haven't watched since freshman year so I want to watch it again. I was like hyperfixated on this game the entire freshman year, I was doodling my ocs and the characters on my worksheets. It was great talking to my friend, who was the one that got me into it, about it! I did have ocs, but they're old and in need of a redesign, I'll be redoing them! FC: Joe, Sara, Reiko, Keiji, Gin, Ranmaru)

Stardew Valley (It's been a while since I've played Stardew Valley, but I want to play it with my sister again. It's fun and I'm excited for their new game as well! I do have ocs for Stardew Valley! FC: Sebastian, Sam, Shane, Haley)

Genshin Impact (Oof. This one is difficult to talk about. I hardly play this game anymore, I think the last time I played it was when Sumeru came out because I wanted to explore the region. Anyways I was super obsessed with this game back in 2019-2021??? somewhere around those times. Everything was really fun in the beginning and then it got exhausting and I have issues with the creators, especially with the release of Sumeru characters. I still do have ocs and I think about them from time to time, they're still early in development as well, I want them to be detailed like the in-game characters. I feel I have more bad things to say about this game rather than good things, but it doesn't stop this game from being an important part in my life. FC: Diluc, Xiao, Heizou, Kazuha, Scaramouche, Ningguang, Ayaka, Kaveh, Shinobu)

Honkai Star Rail (I really don't play this game much but I kept up with it during development and excitedly waited for its release date. I still somewhat keep up with it but I really don't play it often. I do like the game more then Genshin though, I just get exhausted with grinding games. I do have ocs, still in early development since they need to be more detailed. FC: Dan Heng, Blade, Jing Yuan, Argenti)

Zenless Zone Zero (I'm still keeping up with the development, I can't play it though since it's still in pre-registration. I don't have much to say since I don't really know anything. I do plan on making ocs and have a few in mind. FC: Von Lycaon, Billy Kid, Soukaku)

Danganronpa (Middle school was wild. I was into Danganronpa before it reached it's peak in 2020-2021, I was into it in like 2017-2018 and then kind of got back into it in 2020, but mainly with my own ocs and fangame ideas. I just remember the fanbase being so toxic in 2020 and even now some of the fans are not so good(Which is obvious, every fandom has it's bad apples.) I also have issues with the game, such as the sexualization of the teens and even younger in ultra despair girls. I'm not super into the fandom, but I do have my own ocs that I like and want to make a fangame for eventually. FC: Kirigiri, Mukuro, Komaeda, Shuichi, Jataro)

Punishing gray Raven (I'm sadly not very far and my interest never lasts long sadly, I think I'd be more into it if was on pc since it's really hard to play games this immersive on my phone. I do have an oc for PGR though! FC: Lee, Lucia, Liv, Kamui, Chrome, Vera, Ayla)

Animal Crossing (Dude I was obsessed with Animal crossing for a bit. New horizons is the first and only animal crossing game I've played, but I remember watching the horror places in new leaf, I loved watching the scary things in animal crossing when I was younger. I do have an oc for animal crossing! FC: Goldie, Marshal, Raymond, Judy, Coco, Merengue, and so many more but these are the mains)

Cookie Run (I don't have much to say other then I just log into cookie run almost every day and that's it, I don't really do anything like I used to. Kingdom and ovenbreak. I do have cookie run ocs! many many cookie ocs! FC: Pure Vanilla, Cotton Candy, Chili Pepper, Milky Way, Frilled Jellyfish, Snapdragon, String Gummy, Chocolate Bonbon, more so many more)

Wadanohara and the great blue sea (Okay so for the Okegom stories, I'm more so still into them for the nostalgia and my own ocs. I do love the style as well but the creator is...awful. I got into these stories in middle school so it's been awhile and I didn't realize that the creator wasn't a good person. WATGBS is really nostalgic and has a special place in my heart. Once again I love the style and the music is a big inspiration. I also love the character designs! I do have Ocs for WATGBS! FC: Wadanohara, Memoca, Fukami, Uomihime, Mikotsuhime)

Gray Garden (Unlike WATGBS, I never finished Gray Garden so I don't have much to say. I might go back and try to watch it cause I'm pretty sure I made it far but I don't remember. Oh yeah, this is another Okegom game. I also have ocs for this game. FC: Kcalb, Yosafire, Froze)

Ice Scream (I think this was my first Okegom game, it's a web browser game so I've actually been able to play it. It's a short little game and I was waiting for years for updates but none ever came. I also have ocs for this! FC: Shirogane, Yukisada)

Bloodborne (I've never played Bloodborne, the only reason I am even remotely into Bloodborne is because my friend is going through extreme brainrot and got me to makes ocs for it, so yes I have ocs! FC: the Doll

Obey Me (I started playing this game like a week after it came out and yet I'm still not even at lesson 16 LMAO. I also pre-downloaded nightbringer and I'm not far in that either. I know stuff that happens though! I do have ocs for Obey me! FC: Mammon, Satan, Beelzebub, Simeon, Barbatos, 13)

What in Hell is bad (oh gosh, this game is well its a game alright. It's really funny to me, like I cant take it seriously. Mainly because of the gacha animation, but also it's just funny. Although this would be torture for me if I was actually in the game since it's really sexual and my demisexual ass would be disgusted. Anyways, I definitely have issue's with this game, like some of the philia's are problematic(like Necrophilia, I don't remember all of them but I think that's the worst of them) and also due to circumstances in the game, noncon in common in the game which is yikes. Also I just used my Obey Me oc with a few changes, I thought it would be funny if in every au she came into contact with demons. FC: Satan, Minhyeok, Paimon, Marbas, Astaroth, Zagan)

Our Life (I love pouring 70+ hours into this game. I was obsessed. This game means so much to me. Cove Holden is my standard. Just wait till a get a card and some money, I am buying those patreon moments. Also I am so SO excited for Our Life: Now and Forever! Like I WILL cry. Our Life: Beginnings and Always made me sob at so many parts, and I'm expecting the same for OL:NF. Anyways, I do have oc's for both Our Life's! FC: literally everyone)

Ensemble Stars (I love finding out how messed up this little idol game is. I was into the game before Ensemble Stars!! came out, so I was into the first game, but I couldn't ever play it, and finally it came out in English and on the phone/computer. Since it came out on pc I've been playing it a lot more! Midnight Butler is my favorite song!! I do have ocs for Ensemble stars! FC: Ritsu, Arashi, Mika, Kanata, Midori, Chiaki, Leo)

Ikemen Revolution (Heartbreaking to find out it was cancelled. I never made it very far, but still. I like watching the event stories on Youtube. I'm pretty sure this was my first Ikemen game as well, so it's even more sentimental. I do have an oc for this game! FC: Luka, Lancelot, Jonah, Edgar, Zero, Kyle, Loki)

Ikemen Prince (This is the Ikemen game I've played the most. I love the art style and the characters! I eat that shit up! I also watch the event stories on youtube LMAO! I have an oc for this game! FC: Yves, Chevalier, Clavis, Rio, Licht, Gilbert)

Ikemen Villains (I'm excited for this game to get released in English! I've been seeing a few translations on Tumblr. I don't have much to say as I barely know anything, but I do have an oc at the ready. FC: Ellis, Harrison, Liam, William)

Twisted Wonderland (Honestly, you'll probably mostly see Seele, my twst oc, on this account as I draw them the most and also get hyperfixated on twst the most. Also I did have another account dedicated to her, I'll access it another time and delete it since everything will just be moved here. FC: Jamil, Malleus, Deuce, Kalim, all of em really)

Lovebrush Chronicles (I've played this game once, but I want to play it more! I think the premise is really interesting and I know a bit about the story and I'm excited to get to that point. I have an oc in mind, but not much work has been done on them. FC: Ayn, Alkaid)

Infinite Blue (I'm excited for the actual game to come out, so far only the scavenger hunt demo is out. I do have ocs for this game, though they aren't well thought out as of now. FC: Rory, Alexei, Leo, Milo)

Tears of Themis (I really enjoy this game, I like mystery games and romance games and boom here's a combo of the two. I do have ocs for this game! FC: Artem, Marius)

Undertale (I love this gam so so SO much, it means so much to me. Sadly I was there for the worst parts of the fandoms, I had just witnessed it, I didn't participate in it. I was a sans fangirl but not those that would make videos of killing other sans fangirls, I liked the fangirls that got together and became friends! I made an entire series off of my old Undertale oc's That said they aren't Undertale oc's anymore, maybe I'll make some in the future idk. FC: Toriel, Sans, Papyrus, Muffet, Napstablook, Mettaton, all of them!)

Deltarune (I didn't finish chapter 2. I really like this game and the music if a huge inspiration for me! It definitely doesn't hit the same as Undertale due to that nostalgia factor, but I'm gonna keep up with any game that Toby Fox makes since he's a big inspiration for me! I might makes oc's for this game in the future but as of now I don't have any. FC: Susie, Ralsei, Checker King, Seam)

Wobbledogs (The silly game ever! I don't have much to say honestly, it's just a silly game where a mutate silly dogs. No ocs, just a silly game I like. Put them in the floating cheese room)

Degrees of lewdity (oop- I haven't played this game in a bit but I was obsessed for a bit. My luck in this game is shit though, one time like every move I was getting gotten. I do have oc's for this game! FC: Kylar, Alex, Harper, Robin)

Castle Crashers (I used to play this game all the time in Elementary school, although I could only play it over at my cousins house! I don't have much to say since I don't remember that much, I do have it but there's not anyone to play it with as of now. I do want to make an oc, just a little silly. FC: The pink knight)

Sims 4 (Silly character creator, that's all I really use the sims for. Although I do want to use it for other purposes to, like house designing and stuff for my ocs. I just makes characters on it though, but they've all been ruined since my mods needed updating and I forgor every single mod I had LMAO, they're all bald ad naked)

Five nights at Freddy's (haurhaur haurhaurhaur haurhaurhaurhaurhaurrrr n e ways the horror game ever ig. This game holds a special place in my heart, I need to continue my yearly fnaf phase where I rewatch all of Marks playthrough and then every game theorist video on it. I do want to make ocs for this game, I've had ideas but never went anywhere with the ideas. FC: Foxy, Sun and moon, Marionette, Mangle)

The Witches House (I think this was my first horror rpg game ever, it started my obsession. Also I have more but they weren't as meaningful as the ones on this list. Dude the twist of this game, I eat that up. I want to rewatch this game so badly. No ocs, don't plan on making any either.)

Ib (I think out of all the horror rpg's I've seen, Ib is my favorite and also the one I've rewatched the most. This game is so important to me and who I am as a person honestly. No ocs and I don't see myself making any soon, but maybe in the future. FC: Honestly, the trio ever.)

Mad Father (This is my second favorite rpg game! Also very special to me and my heart, I could cry thinking about the memories. These games raised me, which might be concerning actually, but nonetheless, they raised me. No ocs and I don't see myself making an oc. FC: Aya, Maria, Robin)

Kingdom Hearts (Don't ask me literally anything about this game, it's crazy that I basically know nothing despite this game being an important part of my mind for the past 18 years LMAO I've only played 2 and 3 and never finished either. My mom introduced me to Kingdom Hearts and I used to LOVE watching her play it! Ofc I played it myself too after watching my mom play it. I don't know if I'll ever make ocs for this game, maybe if I get hyperfixated on it again. FC: Sora, Roxas, Axel)

Wizardess Heart (I'm so upset this game was taken down off the app store, I lost all my progress. You can still play it on the SWD collection game where it has a bunch of the developers games into one, but y'know. I do want to make oc's for this game and get back into it! FC: Lucious, Elias, Randy, Yukiya, Hugo, Zeus)

Baldurs Gate 3 (Never played it, tryna get it for the holidays. My sister plays it and we're gonna play it together. Tbh I'm mainly interested in the dnd aspect since I've been wanting to get into dnd for a while, but I never really knew where to start and this seems like a good place to start. Obviously, I WILL be making ocs :3 FC: Karlach, Gale, Glut, Lae'zel)

Garten of Banban (Say whatever you want about this game, I enjoy it's chaos, it's funny as fuck and entertaining. Is it good? No, not really. Does it need to be good? Nah, it's got chaos and that gives it at least +20 points to me lol. I might make ocs for this story later but idk. FC: Bittergiggle, Bambalena, Sheriff Toadster)

Misc

Welcome Home (I really love this arg! Definitely not as obsessed as others, but I love keeping up with the creator and seeing what's going on in the fandom. I do have ocs for this! FC: Wally, Sally, Poppy, Howdy)

Mystery Flesh Pit National Park (What an outlier in this entire list LMAO, anyways THIS is my favorite horror piece. I can't explain it, and I won't in this post, I'd need time to really get down the feelings this project gives me. I've spent several hours watching the 1 hour documentary on youtube by Wendigoon and even longer playing the roblox fangame. I love this series, specifically the part where the clowns get melted, it's a horrifying idea and I love it. FC: the pit)

Poison Bugs (More Okegom! I have no clue what's going on in this story, not much is out and I'm not sure if there's any place where I can read/watch this, no clue. All I know is bugs, and I like bugs, so bug ocs. So yeah I have ocs for this. FC: Odea)

Obsolete Dreams ( Final Okegom as of now! I think this is like a comic/manga, but I've never read it. I want to, but also like I have no clue what the plot is even about and it lowkey seems all over the place. I think the main plot is a dad who has a bad relationship with his daughter and he's trying to mend it, but he's an alcoholic sooooo. Anyways, oc's, I have 'em, but no work has been done on 'em. FC: Maekami, Jork, Kiku, Glasses)

Lacey's games (I don't have much to say, I just like it! I like horror, and I specifically like this type of horror. Where it disguises itself as cutesy but it's not, it's morbid and will haunt your days.)

Vocaloid (I also don't have much to say, fandom wise. I've been into this fandom since 3rd grade, my stalker got me into this music, its great, what an important part of my life. I want to make oc's for this so badly and make them voices and stuff, using the UTAU app. FC: Gumi, Len, Oliver, Fukase, VY2)

Homestuck/Hiveswap (So never finished this but gosh the impact the web comic has had on me. I saw this one post like a couple months ago that said something like "Every homestuck fan is trans" which was really funny since going as John Egbert for Halloween made me question my gender so yeah it really was my awakening. I do have ocs! FC: Karkat, Dave, John, Rose, Nepeta, Kanaya, Xefros)

Orin Ayo/Tragicbox/incredibox (It's mainly Orin Ayo and the spin-off/sequels. Uh warning for VERY dark content if you're looking to get into it! Anyways I'm obsessed with the story and character designs, I wanna make ocs for Orin Ayo and have an idea. Normal incredibox is fine though! The beats go hord! FC: Tab, Lilac, Cratz Pur, Kaski, Mike Scarlett(From Incredibox Airline), Mason)

[castieelsblog]

I think I have severe commitment issues-

So, I've had MANY different partners but I'm just going to talk about the last three. Sophomore year of HS, I was dating this boy and he was the first person in my freshman/Sophomore year that I count but that relationship was...mostly kept a secret from his dad (no mom, I think she died or something....) and he was just...kinda a shitty person. He treated me like shit when we split off, and I don't even know HOW or WHEN we split it off because the night before we were joking around then the next day: nothing. Fast forward to junior year, I come back from being in online school and at the time, t*ump was saying things about LGBTQIA+ rights and I thought as a form of protest-ig-i wore my pride flag to school for a week straight. A group of people came up to me and I felt INSTANT panic, but the person who talked for the small little group is who I ended up falling for-as ironic as it is- we both liked similar things and we exchanged jackets but...I was ghosted once school ended (they were a senior) and then school started again and I saw them. They had credits they needed to make up so that's why they were there, but they had asked me on our first and last date and that Saturday, we went roller skating. I ended up spraining my wrist about midway through the date (I'm usually a good blader I promise, I just stumbled 😭) then after that we didn't talk again. So, my last year rolls around and there's no one. Yes there are crushes but that's all there were. Presently, I'm dating someone who I've known since my sophomore year who used to be friends with both of my ex's. He's wonderful and everything but he talks about marriage and stuff...constantly. he's Christian and we both have been treated badly at some point in our relationship histories. But the thing is, I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED. I never really have, I've seen it as a waste of time since I was a kid. He also is going into the reserves and today he had a meeting with the recruiter about the jobs he would do and he refused to do something that departed on our anniversary (Feb. 14th) and to me, an anniversary is just another day but he's been treating it as a big thing since our one month. But the thing is, I don't want to say like "Hey btw I may have commitment issues so can you please tone it down?" BECAUSE THATS RUDE??? AND I DONT WANNA BE A BITCH BUT IM ABOUT TO DISAPPEAR OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH AND START OVER IF IT CONTINUES, I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH IT 😭😭

............nvm safe to say I DO have commitment issues. HOW TF DO I GO ABOUT SAYING IT-LIKE WHAT?? WHAT IF HE TAKES IT THE WRONG WAY?? Why can't we just be a situationship. I'd be WAY more comfortable then-

[plotsandplansarchive]

High School Days

Never Have I Ever/Lady Bird inspired; Based on HS experience w/ Soundtrack from that era; Coming-of-age; 2009-2012 Soundtrack

Freshman | Sophomore | Junior | Senior

Quiet, smart and socially awkward teen navigates life as a HS in an all-girls Catholic school.

Events: FRESHMAN:

1st Day of HA

Meet new classmates and friends

_ is assigned to to show her around the new school; initially tries to avoid and make fun of

Being assigned as co director and being clueless w/ rival for first ever HS play

Gets left behind in Filipino skills and struggles with the subject

Tried to find the infamous Black Book at the library

Still being not good at swimming

Still suck at sports

Mistaken for being a math whiz bc aced a quiz bee where questions were already familiar and then was forced to join a math competition

Joined first ever inter school campus journalism workshop and rediscovers preschool friend and her ridiculously good life but finds out she's a bitch

Throwback to summer before freshman year of doing nothing but internet and online gaming and being persuaded by crush to join FB

Slowly loses connection with elementary friends and starts new group of friends

Frequents library, watches Glee, gets high scores in tests, has friend who's obsessed with Bieber

Interaction with street kids

Pet fair

First ever crush during intramurals

Decides to play scrabble for the nth time and ends up losing 4th individually but surprisingly 1st overall

Gets a serious crush on upperclassman during playfest

Taylor swift is often played bc relatable but not a fan SOPHOMORE

Reshuffling of class and group of friends is separated

Discovers Umbrella and becomes lunch hang out w/ friends

Starts to feel left out in new class and starts to feel depressed

Tries hand in Music and being minor charactsr during playfest

Gets a secret crush on group leader who happens to be super smart & really good at everything and is also unbelievably cool but finds out close

Drama with some classmates in the classroom

Overnight taize at school and other adventures

Notices close friend is trying hard to be a social climber and rest of group start talking about her bad attitude and how feels emotionally bullied almost everyday and they try planning an intervention JUNIOR

starts out school year surprisingly good with good social experiences

Decides to try out for play lead

Unexpectedly gets lead role despite protest from own adviser and friendship with _ who is opposite lead as Romeo & Juliet and things get awkward during ENTIRE playfest from practice to opening night

Bloopers during rehearsals and awkward practices w/ lead

Decides to try out for softball team

Family day night party

__ is separated from the rest of group and finds herself surrounded with a new cooler group of friends: old friends feel forgotten & replaced SENIOR

1 week before senior year starts manages to get chickenpox

Enters senior year super clueless and left behind in junior year

Gets assigned to advanced math with most of friends but feels out of place and felt like she was the dumbest one in class and unable to catch up

Applies to universities and manages to get in every one applied

Feels that She, , & _ are outcasts

3 day retreat

Prom date set up by another close friend and awkward prom experience

Discovers that 3 friends out of the 6/7 of them in freshman year would stick by each other

Struggle w/ cooking in home economics; singing Mulan while washing dishes instead

Becomes producer of inferior play and deals with Close friends become the directors and are being criticized by everyone in class for not doing a good job

Emotional series finale of iCarly

Last day of swimming miracle

First ever sleepover with 3 other close friends bc other 2 are out with their other groups

Last integrated play and sings HSM with __ backstage

First ever debut attended and intimidated by cool group

Finally graduation

Added:

* Moments throughout HS and it turns out _ was jealous that _ had forgotten about their group. Eventually leads to moments and they finally end up together

TikTok - freshman entrance

Hey Soul Sister - sophomore entrance

Waiting Outside the Lines/ Today My Life Begins - end of sophomore year

We Are Young - end of junior year

It's Time - senior year realization song

Daylight - end of senior year

----

❤️:

Crazier - freshman yr, first felt something while watching _ play this during school event

Next 2 You - junior yr; _ comes and motivates for her lead role

The One that Got Away - junior yr; realizes that __ has grown apart from them and has found new cooler friends

[longlivefanfic-net]

i fuckin love you 😞 also random headcanon have- y’know those guys in your class who claim to be homophobic but r always doing weird ass shit like sitting on each other’s laps or kissing each other blah blah blah? yeah- that was steve & tommy. im SO sure they were those guys in hs tbh- and they decided to kiss each other for ‘practice’ once forsure. -max

yes, YES Maximilian, exactly!!! these boys give me a lot of feelings bc I think Tommy was absolutely in LOVE w Steve, but I think Steve would have been a lot more likely to risk everything whereas Tommy would have been more reserved and hesitant. Like, I think Tommy has more to lose if he's gay--I think he cares more about his reputation, whereas Steve seems mildly resentful of his as the seasons go on. I also think YEAH they def kissed at LEAST once. prbly more. I see ur vision, Max, and I offer u this:

Steve and Tommy were each other's first kisses. It was when they were 14, the summer before they started high school; they were going to their first real boy/girl party that night, and had Tommy had biked over to Steve's house to spend the day in the last remnants of summer, soaking the sun into their bones as they wrestled in the pool.

Steve had suggested it. Had "um"-d and "uh"-d his way around it, saying he wanted to kiss a girl tonight--"whoever's prettiest, that's who I'm going for"--but he didn't want--fuck, he just wanted to make sure he did it right. And it wouldn't count as their first kiss, right, because they're boys, and Steve was pretty sure kissing only really counted when it was with a girl.

Tommy said yes, of course; he didn't want to seem like a bad kisser either, and if there was anyone he could trust to help him out it was his best friend, Steve. Afterwards, Steve suggested they try kissing with tongue, too--"just in case."

They never talked about it again. Steve had his first "real" kiss that night during a game of spin the bottle, and the pretty blonde his spin had landed on had giggled and told all the other freshman girls that he was the best kiss she'd ever had. Steve didn't need to "practice" anymore after that.

The memory, though, of those sloppy, timid kisses shared between two boys in a swimming pool still came back to both of them, though, as the years went on. Steve blushed when he remembered it, turned crimson when he remembered his own insistence on tonguing Tommy like the idiotic child he had been. It didn't really bother him, though, until the spring of Senior year.

Steve and Nancy had broken up and, before he had a chance to win her back, she had gotten together with Jonathan (not that Steve was surprised. He had seen the way his girlfriend eyed her "just friend," had seen the longing looks Byers cast to her when her back was turned). He was single, he was depressed, and, dammit, Steve was lonely. But his reputation had slipped; King Steve had been dethroned when Billy moved to Hawkins, and he had been steadily falling from grace ever since.

He started going to parties, as many of those "wild" Senior year parties he could get the addresses for. He didn't really go to be social--it still burned against his skin when he saw the gaggle of girls hungrily eyeing Billy, the group of his former friends laughing at his every joke. Steve went to the parties to drink until his brain stopped spiraling, stopped ruminating on how many damn times he had almost died--the demogorgon, first, and now those damn demodogs that had almost taken a chunk out of him and the brats--just to end up alone. After the first few parties, even the more desperate girls had stopped following him to the backyard when he went to smoke, had stopped asking him to pump the keg for them with fluttering eyelashes.

He was standing in a corner of a dimly lit room, the party of some girl who lived a few streets over--close enough for Steve to walk home, close enough for him to get so drunk he could barely stand--when it happened.

Tommy still remembered those kisses too. He pushed them out of his mind late at night over the last almost-four years, shook his head like he could shake the images, the memory of the taste of Steve Harrington's tongue, loose. He hadn't spoken to Steve in months--not really, not an actual conversation, not since the incident with Nancy "the Slut" Wheeler and the movie theatre. And when Billy had rolled into town, Tommy had been one of the first ones to fall at his feet, to throw aside the remaining loyalty he had to Steve for this new man--stronger, more handsome, with stories of the older women he had bagged back in California. He was cool, and Tommy would be cool by association for him.

It was Billy's idea. Billy's idea to declare that all the boys should play Dare--"No truth," he had said, only slightly slurring his words, "That shit's for fucking pussies." The first Dare had gone to one of the boys from the football team; Billy had ordered him to cop a feel of the one girl in school who wore a purity ring and meant it, and they had all howled with laughter when the sound of her palm slapping his face echoed across the room full of drunken teenagers. The second Dare went to a guy from the baseball team. He asked two best friends, well known at Hawkins High for being inseparable, what all they were willing to do with each other since there was so little they were willing to do without. He, and the two girls, disappeared into a bedroom upstairs, and he spent the next thirty minutes trying to figure out what one man was even supposed to do with two girls.

The next dare was Tommy's. He grinned when Billy said his name, already proud to have been chosen. "Tom," Billy said, squinting his eyes. "How 'bout you go kiss your old girlfriend?" Tommy shook his head, confused. "She's not here." "No, not your old ball and chain," Billy snarked, his voice biting. "Harrington." He motioned to the corner where Steve stood, eyes unfocused, staring at nothing as he nursed the can in his hand.

Tommy didn't want to disappoint him, didn't want to fall short of this opportunity to prove himself to Billy. He strode towards Steve, crossing the room quickly. "Tommy?" Steve asked, looking up as he got closer. Tommy's hands grabbed Steve's shirt collar, bunching in the fabric. "What are you--"

That was all Steve got out before they collided, hard. Tommy kissed him fiercely, aggressively, their lips pushing together in a way that hurt, and Tommy thought he was lucky he didn't chip a tooth or bite his damn tongue. His next thought, however, was simpler: Steve. Steve's skin, Steve's neck under his hands, Steve's hair so close to his nose, Steve's freckles and scars, Steve's long eyelashes against his cheekbone, Steve's lips sliding against his as they returned the pressure in kind, Steve's fingers snagging him by the waist, and-- Tommy pushed back, shoving Steve away from him suddenly. They were in public, at a party. This wasn't a fantasy, not a dream come to life; it was real, was actually happening.

Steve stared at him, eyes wide and suddenly sober as their eyes held each others. His wide jaw was slack, lips parted gently, and Tommy watched as he raised a hand to brush his warm, brunette strands off of his forehead. "Tommy--" Steve mumbled, his cheeks a light shade of pink. Tommy looked away, quickly turning his head to find Billy, ready to throw him a thumbs up, ready to turn his back and laugh at Steve, ready to cement his place as one of the popular guys no matter what it cost him. Billy wasn't looking; he and the knot of boys around him had already moved on to the next dare.

Tommy felt his heart falter in his chest. His breath stuck in his throat. If no one was laughing at the joke...it was harder to call it a joke. He turned back to Steve, all wide eyes and full lips and beautiful hands reaching for him, catching themselves before they touched him, lowering back to his hips. "Tommy." Steve shook his head, and Tommy felt something inside of him shatter at the pain in Steve's eyes. "Tommy."

[niccage]

when i was a hs freshman i wedged my way into this friend group of four upperclassmen band geek girls (affectionate) who liked doctor who and every week they would come over to my house and watch the new eps, and one time this other band kid named miguel heard us talking abt it and was like “omg i LOVE doctor who can i come” and obvi my motto is always more the merrier so he joined our gang and listen, i cherish every single memory i have of those nights but ill never forget the last dw night we ever had before they all went off to college when Miguel was like “guys i have to confess something. 3 years ago when i asked to join ur dw nights id actually never seen dw before, i just wanted to hang out w u guys” and we girls were all like “🥺 miguel that’s so sweet but also we knew that three years ago when it took almost half a season before you realized rory wasn’t the doctor” lol. Anyways someone would bring a baked good to my house every week it was my prime

[starlightments]

if youre hs dating experiences are even half as amusing as the college ones you used to post abt then pls write a book some day lmaoo

Ohoho well, STRAP IN I GUESS LOL. It’s not quite a book, but.... 

I dated Number One when I was just an itty-bitty freshman. He was a good guy at his core, but had way too many demons that he couldn’t control and, as a result, ended up lying to me about a lot of really important, unforgivable stuff. 

Number Two was, frankly, a straight-up asshole, but oh so charismatic and charming, which is probably why I fell into his trap so easily. He was fickle and vain, always chasing after the next “shiny” thing. So when I apparently started losing some of my luster, he was quick to cheat on me with a senior girl on the cheerleading squad. Fast-forward to three months later: he apologized and wanted me back. And I, being fifteen and stupid, forgave him. Fast-forward one more month: he cheats on me with a different girl. We never spoke again. Two strikes and you’re out, buddy. 

Then came Number Three, who was an amazing person in every way, especially after the heartbreak fiasco that was Mister Number Two. He was my first time, my first almost-love, the first guy who made me feel truly safe, special, and respected. We were romantic co-leads in the school musical, and he even asked me to his senior prom while we were on stage together in the middle of a scene lol. But he was a year older than me, so we broke up right before he left for college. It ended on decent terms – no arguments, no drama. But it was hard. And it really hurt. 

The next guy is my “.5” because we never technically made anything official, even though we acted like it sometimes. He played trumpet in the pit orchestra for all the school musicals, so we crossed paths on occasion, but the two of us became much closer during the first half of senior year. He made it very clear from the get-go that he was interested in me, but, admittedly, my heart wasn’t fully in it; I was still reeling from my breakup over the summer. But this guy was sweet and funny and sort of made me think that, over time, maybe I could fall just as hard for him, too. So we went to our senior prom together, with a big group of people, some of whom I knew and some not so much (he and I came from different but adjacent social circles, so there was only a tiny bit of friend overlap). As everyone was lining up in the backyard for pictures, I glanced down the line and saw none other than... Number Three. It completely caught me off-guard. He’s probably the last person I was expecting to see there, let alone as someone else’s date to my prom. Thankfully, though, it was a large enough group of people to avoid interaction with him, but it did kinda put me in a weird mood for the rest of the evening. A friend of mine was hosting a post-prom sleepover at her house, but I was so emotionally/physically drained by the end of the night that I opted to go home instead. Mister .5 seemed strangely annoyed by my decision, but we parted ways with a kiss and that was that. Literally. He stopped calling/texting me and acted distant at school until, eventually, whatever thing we had fizzled out into nothing. Later, I found out that Mister .5 told my friend that he was, in fact, annoyed at me for not attending the sleepover because, apparently and I quote, “the only reason I asked her to prom was so that she’d sleep with me afterwards”. So. That sucked lol.      

[discoveringenterprise]

“RYAN WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO?!” and other shit you might wonder

First off: I am so sorry for disappearing off of the face of the earth oh my god

Second off: I’m going on an indefinite hiatus as of Sundayish. Yes, you read that right, an indefinite hiatus. All the content on the blog will stay for our enjoyment, and I fully authorize use of my gifs anywhere and everywehre

Third off: if you’re struggling rn, shit gets better, PLEASE trust me on this.

TLDR of this post; I got better, so can you, and I’m heading out.

ENT GC: let me know if you want admin. Do what you want with the blog, and if you wanna make a new group chat, please do so since I won’t be around to add people.

How can I contact you/get your contact info before you go? Dallyn and Daphne have my contact info so if you ever need to reach me and I’m gone... yeah. Like I said, I’ll be heading out Sundayish, so I’ll periodically log in here if you wanna talk to me/get my info before I go.

What’s your actual name? That... that’s a long story, too. LMAO. Especially if you know me. DM me for the story if you know me.

Why are you leaving? So, as you guys know, I started college, which is completely and utterly whack. Everything is changed, everything is different and I have friends now? Like, WTF. I’ve been so wrapped up in work it took me forever to get on here after Dallyn texted me “your account got hacked” so... oops. I let everyone into the ent gc (oh my GOD i look back at that and have a love/hate relationship with it!) and let me know if you figure out a way to make admins on it??? I’m confused AF.

I’m going to be focusing off college and staying off Tumblr for a while. It was 2 am technically today and I was reading all my old posts like “jfc I was so depressed???” and now I’m just... not. I made friends, real friends, over the summer. People who understand and get it (and yes some of them are ent stans.)

Why did you disappear in May and why are you leaving again? Shortly put, and I don’t mean to sound mean, I made real friends. Real as in I will physically interact with them in real life (aka college friends). I kind of weaned off Tumblr slowly, and only kept going back for the ent gc (I LOVE YOU GUYS THOUGH!!!). And it kinda became a drag.

When I came back to Tumblr, it was like late January and early February. I’d just got out of the Instagram rping world and was so tempted to start one here, but I was scared and intimidated, and I’m glad I didn’t. Breaking off rp was the best thing I’d ever done for myself, and the best thing that this toxic girl ever did for me. My shitty mental health had been kinda dependent on this rp, it’s hard to explain, but I was being a jerk and kinda had been since freshman year with projecting my feelings onto my character’s and blurring the lines far too much between me and her. She was (and is!) still hella overpowered, hella perfect, and something that would absolutely never happen in canon.

Honestly, this whole situation was basically the lyrics to the song Clarity ft. Foxes by Zedd. I love that song, go give it a listen.

Point being, I got myself off of that once I realized. The problem had started in January 2017, ran through October 2017, and then took a hiatus until junior year but only started to really manifest itself in February 2019. And honestly, mainly when school started back, in September/October 2019 and lasted until January 4 when she and I had our last fight. (She messaged me again, later- here- and since making that post, we’ve ended things on neutral terms.)

So I came here. Tumblr. I’d been here in 2017 right after the OTHER rp ended, and I think Tumblr became my new outlet then, too. I was a baby in the middle of my freshman year then. And then there I was, coming full circle. As a senior in high school. I read all of my old posts about how I’d never make it, and there I was. I’d made it. The end of HS was in sight.

I straight up vibed through all of May. Now, I was slowly making friends in college already, but it only really took off in April and May, which is when I left. I focused more on those, building those connections. I loved you guys on Tumblr, I still do, but I was definitely going to meet these college friends. And as I pulled my head out of Tumblr, I got a job, an actual paying job , in June- and I was already gone.

As I looked back on my posts last night/this morning I was thinking “oh my GOD what the fuck” because jfc, Tumblr had turned into the place where I vented. And then as I got through the months, I became happier. The pandemic was around, duh, and I didn’t have as much school stressing me out, there wasn’t as much craziness around. I was free, I didn’t have people from high school to deal with, and I got better on my own.

YEAH, I was talking to a college guy. And yeah, that was nice, but it was more of a side thing. He was my friend, and he played me, but I learned to be myself. Learned to love Enterprise wildly and give absolutely no fucks.

And it is oh so nice to give zero fucks. It’s an amazing feeling. I hope everyone gets there someday. And yeah, I’ve had moments where people don’t like me, and moments where I’ve felt down, depressed. That’s not saying life is always perfect 100% of the time.

But what I’m trying to say is: it gets better. And to me, Tumblr was like a crutch. Sometimes you need it to help you stand, but when you think you always need it, and can stand on your own, that’s where the problem is. In May, I became confident enough to let the crutch go. And I’m thankful that I did that.

I still love you guys, everyone reading this post, the people that know me and are going to miss me. It’s not that I hate this website or anything- I just stopped using it as a crutch, you know?

Where can I read this crazy fanfic? DM me, haha. It’s the classic “self-insert but NOT a self-insert” fanfiction originating form a fifth grade idea, reformatted by my depressed fourteen-year-old self. And I wouldn’t change it for the world. Yes, it’s Star Trek.

I also have one for the girl’s relative, too, which IMO is much better. She’s less overpowered, more of a real human being.

So why mention the fanfic and RP? It’s weird; I’ve come full circle. I wanted to be this perfect girl, and then I planned how she’d finish her story (and I’m finishing it. I am, I promise, because she’s a part of me that I wouldn’t trade for anything). As I’ve taken a break from the E/AP-verse (my public nickname for it haha, someone found out here) I’ve realized again, I came full circle.

All I wanted back then was to be happy and I thought a guy would do it. Popularity, a bunch of friends, a “hot body” (btw FUCK BODY SHAMING and you’re all perfect) and all that BS that the media tells you. What really gives you happiness (or at least me)? Confidence. The fact that I know I have friends I can count on here. Yeah, a relationship is nice, but complete yourself before you get into one.

And when I planned my OC’s ending back in February, that’s what she got. She’s married in my head now, to her (and my!) perfect guy, but the important part is that she’s happy, and she’s herself before she got married. Before she got in her relationship.

So, yeah. I think that covers it. In all honesty, if you have more questions, send them to the ask box and I’ll tag them and all this as “ry’s goodbye” and update my nav page. It’s 12:39 AM so please excuse any typos!

Bye, guys. For now, at least.

I love you.

[dirt-grub]

1, 5, 11 and 23!

1 - How did you choose your name?

THIS IS A COOL STORY OKAY because i actually don’t have a deadname for my first name!!! Connor is my middle name! So Aiden is actually my bio first name (spelled in a girly way tho so i just go by like Aid) BUT I had a dead middle name that began with C, and for a long time i couldnt decide what to change it to, but i knew i wanted to keep the C initial. I have a little half brother who i care a lot about, and since we dont have the same last name i thought hey! his middle name is Connor, my middle name is a C... we can have a name in common! its funny like, when i made my tumblr a little over a year ago i didnt expect to make friends i just sorta wanted to reblog for an aesthetic account and stay on the down low, so i put Connor as the name to test it out and see if i liked it, and it stuck really well! Of course I do like going by either name otherwise I wouldn’t have been known by Connor to you all still XD

5 - What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

This one is really hard for me to pin down, because I was one of those kids that always sort of “knew” to a capacity- I hate being like grouped in with my sister/female cousins, i didnt like “girly” things, whenever we would play pretend my character was male, stuff like that. i sorta was always a boy in my head, in a strange way? like id always be happy until i was reminded i WAS a girl, which apparently had to be done for me to realize. i have plenty of memories being with family friends and outlining the character i was making for myself and having them interrupt and say wait, you wanna be a BOY? youre not a boy! and having my day just be ruined in a way i didnt have the vocabulary yet to describe

11 - What are your experiences with binding or wearing breast forms?

I have binded in REAL UNSAFE WAYS! DONT DO ANY OF THIS SHIT!

I started pretty much the second it was decided i had too much tit and needed to wear a bra now 24/7, so like around 12. I had these shitty training bras that didnt really fit me, and id wear a ton of them over each other every single day. like, there was a time where i was layering four or five of them, which probably didnt even help compress, but i felt like i NEEDED to or id just like die

i got my first binder uh maybe freshman year of high school? i REALLY tried to go stealth when i entered hs but i just didnt have the resources to. basically i had a long time bf through hs (t4t) and he got a binder first, and id borrow it whenever i could. we were about the same size so i got his hand me down when he got his second, and then once we had more money going forward we got our own. Since then i bind regularly with like a real one that fits me (altho not as much in quarantine bc i mean i dont leave the house)

23 - What’s your biggest trans-related fear?

I’m not sure i can say the real one here bc its sorta really bad lol but id guess being stuck in a situation with transphobic people like consistently? like i can handle getting into a fight a stranger i’ll never see again in the bathroom, but if i had to live somewhere with transphobic people being shitty to me every day i would go absolutely insane. Like its hard to explain specifically, but if i was around cis guys who were like uwu soft trans dude thats so hot or cis women who think im just an oppressed woman who needs to embrace my womanhood id go postal 

[stinky-and-the-pain]

& then there was one

my parents finished renovating our house my freshman year of high school. i was 14 and finally had my own room...a place i didn’t have to share with my 11 year old brother or my 3 year old sister. i painted it green & a couple of months later painted a tree on one wall and filled the branches with lord of the rings quotes. it was my sanctuary. 

my grandma gifted me my first laptop around the same time. she won it in a company sweepstakes and gave it to me because she had one already. it was the coolest thing. we had a family computer in the office (nee playroom) that i had played both sims 2 and 3 on. but now i could take the sims to my room! 

amongst other things. 

i played skyrim religiously after my brother got bored of the xbox, as he was also gifted a playstation 4 along with GTA V. i also adored several creators on youtube, at that time a bastion of comedic skits and random tangential clips lasting no more than 6 minutes or so. i felt deeply invested in the community -- not so much with fellow audience members but with the youtubers themselves; as if these videos were a two-way conversation. shane dawson led to desandnate led to smosh led to kalel cullen led tobuscus led to pewdiepie led to cryaotic, etc., etc. they were great! 

forget the boy bands of the 90s and early 2000s....which youtuber did you want to date? SMASH + fuck, marry, kill in the back of the chilly and damp bus driving home from a scholastic bowl meet. my heart ached for these people. they appealed so deeply to me and i fell madly in love with them all. and i wasn’t alone; we all fell in love. 

i’m not sure how i found out about omegle. at a slumber party or birthday, someone pulled out their laptop & we could see and chat with strangers. live. no supervision. we were...14? 15? had to be 14 because i succinctly remember laughing a while later when i told a grown man i wasn’t 18 but actually 14 after he had finished for me. all while sitting in my new green bedroom. 

for the longest damn time i thought i had an extremely average adolescence. i was lauded as independent and mature, and took pride in that. maturity meant i was better but also inherently prepared for what life was throwing at me. plus independence meant that i could effectively do whatever i pleased. and to that extent, i never attended a party (though i did sneak over to a boy’s house when i said i was going to a friends’ but that was later figured out and actually excused) but i pursued other exploits. 

another piece of the puzzle is that youtube around 2010 appealed to people exactly my age. and was simultaneously extremely sexual. the mass cancellation of shane dawson is ultimately rooted in his behavior around this time. and this behavior was broadcast to us, 12-14 years old, which signaled to us what could be deemed appropriate. queue me believing that men around the ages of 19-25 could find me, a barely there 14 year old, attractive. and boy did i run with that. 

i spent immeasurable time on omegle. it was thrilling, especially when men’s faces would light up as my video appeared. “finally, a real person and not just a dick!” i remember one, zach herzog (sp?). he was so kind, introducing me to imgur which rounded out my early internet diet. he had a girlfriend but at one point admitted to me that she was not as pretty as i was. we would message on kik for hours. he graduated college a year after we met (my junior year of high school). jake was around that time too. but honestly jake was special in that we met through omegle chat (no video). and we actually chatted for about 3 years, at one time making sure to watch the weekly game of thrones episode (freshly downloaded off pirate bay) together and discussing what went down afterwards. after we skyped with video on, we slowly stopped communicating. 

another, stephen i believe. he was from the UK and i only remember that because of his accent and that i had him say my (fake) name multiple times. i never once used my real name nor talked aloud to these men. always text. but does that matter? over skype, he would send videos of himself jacking off...which would have been pleasant save for the fact he liked smacking his penis near the end and i couldn’t take that seriously. 

the first man i reciprocated for -- that is, i obliged requests to show parts of my body -- was sam. i don’t remember anything too striking about him save he did his business to me while we were still on omegle (only strange because the fashion then was to move to somewhere more ‘private’ and stable like kik or skype) and then promptly ghosted me. somewhere in my hs junior year planner, there are notes to sam asking him if he would ever come back. 

then senior year. so stressed with college applications (i applied to one school) i spent most of my time in my bedroom alone, indulging in a healthy diet of top gear and youtube, by this point dominated by cryaotic and pewdiepie. but i always had time for my dear favorite, capndesdes (of desandnate fame who later made his own solo channel where he published several q&a’s and apartment vlogs). october 2013 and i was wearing his blue ‘crescent moon face’ shirt (referencing the photo booth video). i met Anthony, Mike, and David on omegle. i immediately picked out Anthony and sure enough he was interested. him being in a group, i knew we wouldn’t be doing anything that night but the video chat was fun. the connection even died at one point but we got back in contact as i had shared my twitter (and my real name, though for months he believed my fake name was my middle name because i felt bad telling the truth). i guess i should’ve known this time was different when he insisted on skying the next morning before i went to work. i felt embarrassed for how i looked but he said i looked beautiful. and was so earnest i had to believe him. 

we skyped everyday. every day. essentially right as i got home from school because that’s conveniently when he got off work. oh and i eventually had to admit that my microphone was not in fact broken. we played minecraft and gta on the xbox. he said he planned to visit me one day. but that’s absurd, right? i would laugh and say ‘you’re too much.’

he visited november 9 2013. drove all the way up. i was at my friend’s birthday party. we had just woken up and he revealed he was in our town. i gave him directions to the park so we could meet. i remember running to him from my car, friends sitting in the back seat. we walked about two miles around the park, chatting. he was even more beautiful in person. the sight of the freckles on his nose are still so vivid. even after all these years remembering, my naiveté still strikes me. a day later, he asked me to be my girlfriend as we walked to his car after dinner. i said yes, that i would do him the honor of making him the happiest man on earth. a day later, he took (but i also gave) away my virginity. he met my friends and then we said goodbye on a rainy and cold afternoon. i still sometimes smell the sweet mustiness of that room. 

a handful of memories that are still striking after 7 years:

washing the strawberry lube off myself in my parent’s bathroom, praying they did not ask why i had spent the last 5 afternoons and evenings staying so late at a friend’s house; forcing myself to connect to Lorde’s music after he said he enjoyed her first album; saying that thin mints were my favorite after he admitted to buying too many; taking my adventure time backpack to the hotel room and filling out my cheatsheet for my physics test the next day while he watched and eventually rolled me over to kiss me; feeling too insecure to lead him around town so instead opted to stay silent as he chose what to have for dinner; eating at my favorite local mexican restaurant after losing my virginity; showing my friends the pictures we had taken in the hotel room and them losing their minds. 

after he left, i was devastated. and essentially remained devastated for the next 7 months. i cried the morning after he left, while driving to work and listening to ribs. 

there’ll be more, when i have strength. 

[lonely-xplr]

I'm 22 years old and I never ever had a romantic relationship with anyone. I never kissed someone or even held hands. I had a few crushes on guys, but I would not act on it bc I felt like I they were out of my league. In 2018 I moved away from home for college and in with a guy I didn't know before. In the beginning I didn't even see him as a love interest for me, bc he wasn't exactly my type. However, I still caught feeling somehow after a few months living together, bc he was the first guy who would actually talk to me about other things than school. I'm like this meme with the butterfly where it says someone is nice to you ohh he must like like me. I know it's pathetic. I also never acted on my feelings, bc firstly I didn't want to ruin things and move out bc I liked my place and I guess I'm scared of rejection. He moved out last year anyway bc he finished college and got a job somewhere else, I think he knew I liked him bc sometimes I can't be subtle enough. He never said anything tho, he promised to stay in touch but I never heard from him again. I knew that would happen bc he's a horrible texter and idk if we were even friends. Like I said I'm kinda pathetic. I guess I'm just afraid to get in a relationship bc I already think about the end before it even begins. I don't want to get my heart broken, plus I'm not ready yet, I have to take care of myself first. But yeah I feel rather lonely most days especially now at this time of the year and with Christmas coming up. Maybe there's also something wrong with me idk maybe. I know it sounds bad but for example my friends have all those crazy guy stories every time they go out bc they get catcalled, this also never happened to me and then I think I'm not even pretty enough to get catcalled so no wonder why no guy likes me (like I said it sounds so absurd). Or another time at my prom (well not technically prom bc we don't do this where I live). I had to ask a guy to be my dance partner for the opening dance bc nobody asked me. It took me 3h to get ready I felt really pretty when I left my house but when I arrived everything was horrible. The guy ignored me the whole time he only complimented my friends, while I stood next to them. Needless to say I wanted to go home asap, it's been years but I still think of that.

Idk if this is even helpful to you I guess I just wanted to rant (you don't have to answer this)

i’m totally fine with rants and i appreciate you sharing this. i can relate to a lot of the same feelings and i’m sure a lot of other people can too. you know, when i was in hs, i was so afraid of rejection and opening up romantically that i would self-sabotage. it didn’t happen often, but if a boy told me he liked me or asked me to a dance, i’d say no even if i liked him back. those were my first experiences with having mutual interest with guys, so i was scared out of my mind!

in freshman year, i had a small friend group and i liked one of the guys. i didn’t think he felt the same, but one day he asked me to homecoming. i was happy and wanted to say yes, but fear got in the way, so i said no. after that he stopped talking to me and found a new friend group; that hurt because i really cared about him and enjoyed his company. it was only until the end of senior year that i opened up to a guy and we dated for a few months, but that ended up being a bad relationship (if you’d even call it that lol.)

anyway, i know what you’re feeling, i’m 22 and haven’t had my first kiss either. sometimes i wish i could just get it over with, but when i really think about it, i’m fine with waiting. i don’t want to give into societal pressures with something that means so much to me (i’m a hopeless romantic 💀). i tell myself that we all have our time; there’s no rush to find love. it should come naturally and it’s worth the wait. we’ll all find our partners one day; some of us just have to wait longer than others, and that’s okay. 🙏🏼🖤

[societysonlooker]

Hey guys so heres some food for thought: I ho to college in 2020, work 20 hours a week and make minimum wage. I am in a scholars group at my school and as a result get a third of my tuition in scholarships. The rest of my tuition is paid by a state program for households who make below 125k a year.

In 1980 my mother went to the same school, worked 15 hours a week, and made less then minimum wage, as she was a waitress. She had no scholarships.

The difference? She could afford to pay for her education by herself, and with her remaining pay was able to pay for an apartment with her also minimum wage, part-time worker boyfriend, who was also paying for his own education. They were 18. In highschool, they bought their own cars with their own money.

Meanwhile,

I can barely pay my phone and car bill, and my housing at my college is on loan.

I will owe my school 60k, plus interest when I graduate in housing alone. If i choose to leave my state and work somewhere else before my 5 years out of college are up, i will owe my state 16k plus interest. I go to the cheapest university in my state, and my prospective salary out of college if I get my master's is 30k a year. Meanwhile, I will be at least 60k in debt. I'm lucky enough that my parents were willing to take a lot of the loans in their names, because at least my credit wont be screwed if I ever cant pay, I'll just have to pay them back.

Explain to me how this is ok.

My tuition is 6k a year, and my room and board 15 k a year. Additionally, the mandatory meal plan for on campus freshman is 1500 a semester. Right now, I'm paying for that with the local scholarships I won in my hometown. I applied to over 60 scholarships, writing them at lunch and between school ending and driver's ed. In the meantime. I'd been driving illegally for months to get to doctors appointments, go grocery shopping, and take care of my friends whose parents couldnt give less of a shit about them.

Last semester I went through burnout. I finally broke amd couldnt do more then just go to my classes. I was seriously depressed, and took it out on myself. If I could drag myself down to the dining halls it was a miracle. There were times I wanted to cook, but my dorm had an ant problem the school wouldnt fix, so we couldnt keep food in there. I lost 20 pounds in 3 weeks, then gained all of it back the next two weeks, and over the rest of the semester gained another 15 pounds. I wanted to kill myself for the first time in over a year. I was isolated, alone, and was both constantly freezing and in the dark, because my room had three outside walls, but only had one window, and our heating was broken, yet the school refused to fix it, saying there was nothing wrong with it (the METAL vents were literally freezing to the touch and my plants above them would have ice covering the dirt the mornings after I'd water them but o-fucking-k). And that was all great for my S.A.D. I couldnt even talk to my friend from highschool cause they're all in different time zones. Unsurprisingly, I failed 2 classes and got all C's in the rest, except, ironically, my calculus class, which I had failed in hs. In calc, I got a B.

And now, because my gpa is below a 2.8, I could lose my scholarship. And if that happened I'd have to drop out. And theres no way to get help for it. It doesnt matter than I experienced burnout. It doesnt matter I had a major depressive episode and could hardly function. It doesnt matter my school was refusing to help my living situation while extorting 2k a month for one bedroom with less then 100 sq feet, a shared bath and no kitchen. Or that alone I would spend MAYBE 400 dollars in groceries in the same 15 weeks my school made me pay 1500 dollars for. I promise you, I'm not eating a hundred dollars in food a day. Especially when Every. Single. Meal. Is pork with a shitty green doused in far too much oil and rice. (Dear gods please just serve a fucking burger or some chicken for fucks sake half your students are Muslim and Jewish and all you fucking serve is pork).

There is something wrong here, and its that we dont care about people. It's that my roomate cant come live on campus next year because her parents had to choose between her room and board or their mortgage. It's that my ex's mom had a legal battle with the school about why his classes he failed last semester need to be rendered incomplete instead of fails, because he had MULTIPLE STOMACH ULCERS, and COULD NOT get out of bed most days. It's that I went through legitimate medical struggles, and may not be able to return to college because of the financial crisis they may yet cause me if I dont get straight A's this semester.

Currently, living at home and taking my classes online, I am doing exponentially better than I was ever doing at school. EVEN THOUGH I also have to deal with my family, who in the past, has been incredibly abusive to me. My grades are improving due to the familiarity of home and my reduced anxiety about planning my day around getting to classes. Next semester, I wont be able to continue taking my classes online, because my school doesnt offer it.

My dorm has a system that you cannot host the same guest in your dorm overnight more than 6 times a semester, even someone who lives on campus. Even if you have an extra bed that you're paying for to keep empty. And if that's not the most poorly hidden attempt at stopping students from letting homeless students or friends live in what is basically the apartment they pay for, then idk what the fuck is.

Currently, my math professor gave us two options for the textbook: we can buy the $130, 70 page book the department wants us to buy, written by some department head and his friends, or we can use the free PDF of the textbook my professor --the man who writes the tests-- wrote.

And listen its 230 in the morning but like,

The college system is the most ableist, classist thing I've ever seen, and I fucking hate it. Fuck tuition, fuck room and board, fuck meal plans, fuck textbook schemes. Fuck everything.

[mono-kookie]

1 and 50 🧐🤪

1. How and when did you get into BTS?

Okay this is actually kind of a funny and long-ish story XD so my sophomore of high school (2016) I was in study hall talking to my two friends about smutty fanfics and my friend sitting next to me was scrolling through a bts fanfic she was reading and was just like yeah this is the fanfic I’m reading now it’s about jungkook and suga from bts 

I had heard the name before and I knew they were kpop so my 15 y/o self was curious and looked them up when I got home bc I heard they were really good and I love finding new good music so I watched Dope first (rm’s opening was fitting lol) and then Fire (I think Fire had just come out bc this was their latest stuff) I was like whoa this some good shit I didn’t listen to that many of their songs so all I downloaded onto my phone was War of Hormone, Boy In Luv, Dope, and Fire before I got lost in the kpop and jpop hole on yt so 2016 is when I officially first started listening to bts and kpop in general but only a couple of songs from bts and some other groups 

It wasn’t until September in 2018 (my freshman year of college) that I listened to bts again and became army and it was all bc I was on yt and I saw that video of bts doing flinch on James Corden and I was like hey I know that group this looks funny and holy shit I got sucked in bc holy sHIT THEY WERE HILARIOUS

I had my eye out for jungkook since he was the only one I knew and I was like awww wtf he’s cute when I finally put a name to a face and Tae fucking killed me with his look bc I was a sucker for the white/silver/gray hair look bc of anime (I suck ik) plus like HE DIDN’T EVEN MOVE I WAS JUNGSHOOK and since they had released a LOT more music since I had last looked them up I got to it and the rest is history

I was also at a time in my life where I was exhausted from finishing hs, not knowing what I wanted in college, being really drained my first few weeks in, and their message was something I desperately needed especially at that time in my life (LY: A had come out literally weeks before at this point) I got really into them and the rest is history ^-^

50. Your thoughts on BigHit?

Hmmm I wish that they would debut a girl group again (I get why they don’t but that scandal was a while ago and they should try again) I think that they must not be a bad company otherwise BTS wouldn’t have renewed their contract with them

I also remember that Jin said on a vlive he thought they were a good company and they gave him enough free time plus he kinda doesn’t care and does what he wants and is able to tell he stylists no when he doesn’t want a haircut HOWEVER IT’S RIDICULOUS THAT BTS HAS ONLY HAD ONE BREAK THIS WHOLE TIME LIKE WHAT THAT WASN’T LONG ENOUGH AND THEY NEED MORE BREAKS BC THEY WORK HARD AND DESERVE IT

Basically I think there are better companies out there but I don’t think they’re bad since the boys are able to get away with stuff (e.g. dying half their hair, trimming their hair in the bathroom, making their hair stylists sigh) that other companies might not allow

oof that was a long answer I’m sorry XD thanks for sending an ask ^-^

[svycrsave]

me again! I had to completely rewrite this just now so it probably sucks, but the show must go on !!

(MAXENCE DANET-FAUVEL, CISMALE) - Have you seen SAWYER MAXWELL? SAWYER is in HIS SENIOR year. The THEATER MAJOR is 21 years old & is a SCORPIO. People say HE is GREGARIOUS, VEHEMENT, PRETENTIOUS and FLIPID. Rumors say they’re a member of KINCAID SOCIETY. I heard from the gossip blog that HE HAS SUGAR DADDIES TO HELP AFFORD TUITION.  (BEE. 23. EST. SHE/HER.)

sawyer maxwell was born into a very cushy upper class family living on the upper east side. His dad is a broadway producer and his mom is an art buyer for those even richer. Him and his sister were basically raised by nannies and tutors.

Still he couldn’t help but look up to and adore them until he walked in on his dad having an affair. It all had to be kept hush hush and thats when he learned the importance of image and how people perceived him.

But because of this sudden revelation that his parents were both self absorbed selfish people who hadn’t felt love between them in years if ever at all he felt even more disconnected and started acting out aka just partying a lot and embracing the stoner life and basically had a found family in a group of artsy pretentious stoners from school.

He went to LaGuardia high school for theater because even if he disliked his dad, he couldn’t help be be enthralled with the world of theater and acting and he really wants to direct and star in a sundance worthy indie film.

he came out as bisexual his junior year of hs

he very much has this obsessive need to be seen as interesting and adored by those around him so he’ll do almost anything that’ll lead to a good story the next day

he suffers from big hearted bitch syndrome and is actually v sensitive like he’ll def write you poetry and make you play lists and just wants to sit under the stars and get deep with you

at one point he started doing insta lives where he’d be tipsy/stoned and just talk about whatever was on his mind, but one night something/someone really upset him and he went on a mad rant airing out a lot of his fams dirty laundry and basically got cut off but shhh that last part is a secret

but he couldn’t let people know he was poor and he had to keep paying tuition so after one day getting hit up by a sugar daddy on insta he decided this was his answer. It was easy to keep discrete and money !!

Sadly it wasn’t that easy. The person he was dating at the time and madly in love with found some of his messages with a few of the sugar daddies and broke up with him and left him madly heart broken and he really hates himself because he can’t stand cheaters and yet he kind of was one.

He became very moody for a while after the break up, very into getting very shit faced and sleeping around and def had a rebound or two, but now he’s trying to get his act together to try and win his ex back.

ok idk what else, theres still more to be fleshed out but we’ll leave it at this

some wc:

THE ex - this is a big ol’ wc because it had such an effect on him, he’s still so in love with them and would do anything to get them back, this will have so much angst pls give me this !! 

ex from freshman year - idk we can do whatever you want I just love ex plots

Best friends with feelings - these two have been super tight ever since the day they met and they basically act like they’re dating but they’ll deny any feelings…until… who knows let’s make this spicy and angsty and soft and all the thing !!

stoner buddies - this is pretty self explanatory, but v vital to his social life

the golden group - a group of friends who all met senior year and have just stuck together ever since, probably go on trips together and just always getting into trouble by each others sides

fwbs - sometimes he do be a hoe, give him some solid hookups

a group of theater friends - have you read if we were villains? kind of like that, but without the murder... allegedly

[enthuschiastic]

5 Things I Learned During Freshman Year in College

It’s back-to-school season again, and this marks my one year of being a college student. It was exactly August 6, 2019 when I began my college journey as a freshman majoring in international relations. Though equipped with goals and strength from Him, I was unsure of how my life would be away from my parents and the pals I’ve been with one-fourth of my life. But as terrifying as it sounds, I actually had the best freshman year. And here are some of the things I learned on my first year in uni. 

1. Do not get SO attached the first time. 

College is going to be filled with a lot of whirlwind instances. It’s hard to not get attached most especially if the connection is so strong but you have to keep in mind that it’s not going to be like that all the time. Many will shift, transfer, and leave (for good). Don’t get so attached to your roommates, you never know when your dinner will be the last you’ll ever have as one will move out. Don’t even depend your entire college life on your blockmates as some of them will shift courses or transfer schools, some even drops out and you don’t even get to know the reason why. College puts great emphasis on the saying “people come and go”. Sometimes, their leaving doesn’t even have closure and you have to be prepared for it.

2. Don’t underestimate your classmates’ abilities and skills.  When I was in high school, I was known as the smart one — one who always leads the group, has the answers to everything, always gets good grades, the favorite of the teachers, good at these aspects and such. It was like everyone was depending on me as I was seen as the smartest one. But in college, I learned how it’s so different. If in high school you think your classmates aren’t as good enough as you, it’s not always like that in college. You’d be surprised at how many people are actually really smart and it will dawn on you that you are no longer the brightest star in the universe as you thought you were. So don’t underestimate them. Just because they don’t seem like your own doesn’t mean they can’t do what you do. It’s better to enter college thinking you’re just like everybody else instead of thinking so highly of yourself and end up getting disappointed. In other words, ‘wag magmarunong. 

3. Be humble. 

Just because you are the star student in high school doesn’t give you a free pass to rule over others. College is way different and a lot more difficult than high school. Your achievements before do not matter this college. This is one of the things my professor in my major instilled us, because in college, we all go back to zero. We all start from the beginning. 

4. Choose your circle wisely.

Your college squad will determine how your college life will go, and even after that. In addition, this is also the place where you figure out who are worth keeping. Is it still going to be your high school best friends? Or will your college buddies break it off? You will realize a lot when it comes to your friendships once you found a new circle this college. Some people still find their HS friends better, but for the others, it’s their college buds. 

5. Express yourself more and embrace it.

Refuse to be one of those titas or titos who have so much regrets because they didn’t get to do things they wanted when they were young. College is the perfect time for you to be yourself and express yourself. You want to do hosting? Go for it! You want to dance? Join dance clubs! Don’t be afraid to show who you really are and what you want. Go after your dreams! Don’t let your fears fuck you up like how they did in high school. And if you’re scared of what others will say, let me tell you they’re too busy minding their own business, so mind yours too. Almost all of the time, people you meet during college won’t even give a fuck on what you plan to do. They’re busy with their exams, orgs, and social life. So go out there, you do you, and live the best moments of your life before it’s too late.