#Literally I spend all my weeks waiting for Fridays and Saturdays

[chewablepebbles]

I've literally been going to at least one funeral of someone close to me every year since 2016 this is unsustainable! Do I make friends so quickly because I fear they'll leave so soon? I have like five hundred pounds of stuff from people that died and I can't get rid of it because I can't get new stuff with them. I'm so tired of being used to grief. When do I get to grieve for myself!

[itsmattchou]

lightning straight to my heart !

pairing: zb1 maknae line x gn!reader warnings: none i think, english isn't my first language!!! genre: fluff synopsis: their reaction to their crush falling asleep on their shoulder notes: first zb1 post! tbh i love the zerose community on tumblr so i hope i find lots of friends here🫶🫶 part 2 will be posted on friday or maybe saturday :D

SHEN QUANRUI

this is fine. this is fine! this is… AAAAAHHHHHH

you two were just peacefully hanging out and watching a movie at your place but you ended up falling asleep. with your head on his shoulder. obviously.

eyes widened, he still tried to maintain his cool guy facade (literally no one else is in that room) but soon enough he couldn't fight the lil smile anymore and then shyboy lovelicky took over

takes your hand into his and softly caresses it (he will let go of it the second he notices you're about to wake up)

his heart is pounding slightly faster for the entire time being, but tries to distract himself by watching the movie you picked for the two of you to watch

clears his throat every 5 seconds??? pls save him he's too shy for this

KIM GYUVIN

uhmmm

uhm?

he just… broke???

doesn't move, doesn't breathe, just stares at your peacefully sleeping figure on his shoulder

so suprised that he has no idea how he's supposed to react

windows shut down sound

his heart is beating like CRAZY though. super loud too! he probably dies from a heart attack soon

he thinks you're totally adorable 💔💔

starts to move again after a minute and takes like 50 pictures of you, firstly to remind himself of this moment and secondly to tease you with them afterwards

yes he likes you a lot but he would never not tease you🤭

sets one picture that came out well (in his opinion) as his background wallpaper

PARK GUNWOOK

inner panic

screaming inside his head

trying DESPERATELY to control his face muscles- he feels so many emotions at once, he might break his face if he allows all of them to show now😭

but he can't fight the redness on his cheeks HEHEHEHE

ready to hush everyone with that unnecessarily loud "SHHHH" and a death glare if anyone dares to make a sound 👹

he tells himself that he should be confident rn, as you, HIS CRUSH, just fell asleep on him during a study session in the library

… wait. you fell asleep. during a study session.

he's flustered, head over heels in love, ready to marry AND kind of upset now😒

HAN YUJIN

you're on a schooltrip and you're sitting next to each other on the ride back

his eyes went as wide as a saucer as soon as your head hits his shoulder, he didn't even notice you falling asleep because he was busy playing a game on his phone

literally as stiff as a board and more awkward than ever

of course he finds this whole thing kind of cute but… pls give him a notice like 1 week in advance so he can mentally prepare himself for this next time

puts his baseball hat on your head in order to save your eyes from the blazing sun or something idk he saw it in all those romance kdramas

he may looks like he wants you to wake up to everybody else, but he actually wants to spend more time like this (maybe in private next time *cough*) 💔

[ellethespaceunicorn]

Bright Like The Moon: Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Such A Funny Thing For Me To Try To Explain

Rating: Explicit, 18+, Minors - DNI

Fandom: Night Hunter

Pairing: Walter Marshall x Black!OFC 

Word count: 3.1K

Summary: Kamaria Mansfield is hired at the Minnesota Police Department as an intern. Detective Walter Marshall is overworked and unsatisfied. Takes place post-film.

Chapter Summary: Kamaria deals with some hard truths about herself, while Walter tells Kamaria how he really feels.

Chapter warnings: uncomfortable conversations, Daddy kink, non-barrier contraception (no condom usage), creampie, breeding kink, the itis

A/N: This chapter takes place directly after Chapter 5. Call it a continuation, if you will. Also, the last chapter was very Walter-centric and this chapter is about 33% Kamaria POV and 67% Walter POV. Un-beta’d, we die like people who tried their best.

Dividers: @firefly-graphics

Support/Reblog banner by me

Cover Art by me

Cross-posted on AO3

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Series Masterlist

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Kamaria’s POV

Early Saturday Morning

I am awakened by Walter’s strong arms wrapped around me, gently shaking me. Fuck.

“Kam, baby, wake up!” his voice quakes, as he turns my face to look at him. 

“I’m awake,” I mumble, my body still trembling.

“You were having an awful nightmare. I’ve been trying to wake you for some time now,” he began wiping a cold compress across my sweaty forehead, “You don’t have to tell me what the nightmare was about, but please know I only want to help you, baby.”

Well, here goes everything, I guess.

“My heart and my brain have begun a war between each other. My heart knows you care about me, but my mind is trying its hardest to figure out the how and the why. It is struggling to find the logic in how a man like you could like a girl like me. It leaves me in the middle straining to be heard,” I sniffle, letting him take my hands in his own, “I’ve had so many people in my life that have either left me or given me reasons to leave. My mother, my ex-lovers, and my friends. I have felt for so long that I am the one that gets left behind. I’m not allowed to have happiness and love. And then I met you and my world sort of imploded.”

“Imploded in a positive way, I presume?” he wonders.

“A very positive way, Walter. So positive, my psyche can’t understand it. And you literally said to me last night that you weren’t going anywhere and it was like a breath of fresh air. Almost like you knew what I needed to hear and you just said it. And I missed you so much all week but I didn’t want to bug you while you were spending time with Faye. I want you to have the relationship with Faye that I wish I had with my Dad,” I whimper, wiping at my unshed tears. 

“Please know that if you ever need me while I am with Faye, get in touch with me, baby. You are important to me, Angel. You can’t possibly interrupt my relationship with Faye, so stop thinking you are doing so, please. How did therapy go?” he questions.

“In yesterday’s therapy session, I kept bringing up our usual after-work hang-out time and how it has become kind of routine to me. And I think maybe I experienced a kind of sub-drop as a result of it not happening this week. So by Friday, I needed your company and I jumped at the first opportunity to have you near me.”

“I need to ask you something, baby,” he says, his hand moving to my chin to turn my face toward his, “Is sub-drop the reason we had sex last night? Would you have waited longer?”

As he searches my eyes for the answer, my hand comes up to hold onto his wrist. “The reason we had sex last night is that I was ready. I was ready to experience that with you. I will say that sub-drop allowed me not to feel anxious about asking for what I needed though. I was so nervous that you wouldn’t want to have sex this soon.”

“If I had my way, I would’ve had you our first weekend together but that would have been too soon. I just knew I wanted you. So I didn’t force you last night, then?”

“Not at all, Walter. You had multiple check-ins with me and you made sure I felt comfortable and safe and cared for. You were perfect.”

“Thank fuck, I got worried there for a minute,” he lets out a nervous laugh, “You can always talk to me about these things, love. That’s why I’m here. To help shoulder the burden of what that brain decides to throw at you.”

“I know, but I-”

“No buts. Come to me the next time you are feeling unsure about something. Especially when it is to do with me. I want nothing more than to put you at ease, Angel.”

I climb up into his lap and wrap my arms around him. “Thank you. I promise I will come to you the next time I feel off.”

“That’s my good girl,” he soothes, giving my lips a quick peck, “Now, I have a question for you, Angel. I wanted to ask last night but I was too busy in a post-orgasmic haze.”

“Oh, my goodness. What is your question?” I send a prayer up to the heavens that I can handle his next words.

He smiles at me, and it has this hint of flirtation and domination within it. I love it when he smiles like that at me. Just knowing he has that power over me, but also that he wants me to know I’m safe with him.

“So, does my baby girl have a breeding kink?” Oh, that old chestnut?

I shift in his lap and start to look down and he lifts my head back up so we are eye-to-eye. “I mean, I didn’t really have it before you. Just with how much you cum, and how good you felt inside me…I just, in that moment, needed to feel you filling me up. And then I thought if I told you what I fantasize about, you would give it to me. Not give me a baby, because that would be way too soon. But, at least, give me a creampie. And you came so fucking hard, and I was beyond turned on. It was so hot, feeling you explode inside me. Even now, I can still feel it.” I shift in his lap again, trying to find any kind of friction until he stills my hips.

“As much as I wanna go for another round, it actually hasn’t been that long. It’s only a bit past 2 in the morning, and I don’t wanna hurt this little pussy. Well, I do wanna beat it up but it needs rest. As do we, Angel. Come on, let’s get some more sleep, and when we wake up, I’ll make sure and fill you up, ok?”

“Yaaaaaaaaas. Thank you, thank you, thank you! The sooner we get to sleep, the sooner you can turn me into a creme-filled treat.” I laugh, making him chuckle behind me as he cuddles into me.

Walter’s POV

Mid-Saturday Morning

I wake up to the sounds of light snores in my ear. Needless to say, I arise with a smile on my face. I attempt to snuggle closer and embrace her a bit but in my morning daze, I just squeeze her and wake her up by accident.

Her little whimper as she wakes is possibly the cutest sound I have ever heard. I’m tempted to have her make that sound again but I decide against it.

“How long have you been awake, baby?” she slurs a bit, rubbing her eyes.

“Not long. Promise I didn’t even have time to watch you sleep all creepy-like,” I laugh, leaning back when she turns around to face me.

“Awww, you weren’t my favorite kind of creep? Rats. Next time, then.”

“You’re terrible, you know that right?” 

“Can’t be that terrible. You’re in my bed. I’m in your arms. That spells romance to me,” she leans in and nuzzles my nose with hers. Why do I feel feral over that gesture?

“Right, you got me there,” I smile down at her, “How romantic is it that all I’m thinking about is filling that pretty pussy with my cum? I mean, I did promise you I would do that when we woke up.”

I have never seen her move quicker as she climbs atop me. With that movement, I and my dick are fully awake.

“I’d say that is the most romantic thing I have ever heard, Daddy,” she moans in my ear and cards her fingers through my hair. I take the opportunity to grab her hips and push her back onto me, reveling in the noises coming from her as she adjusts to the size.

“Fuck, Princess. So hot and tight for me. Take what you need from me, baby. Daddy wants you to ride for a while,” I groan, drinking in her sexiness like a fine wine.

She places her hands on my chest and lifts and lowers her hips until she can get a good rhythm going. And when she does, I am in heaven. The feeling of the motion of her hips is unlike anything I’ve ever had. Like she’s dancing on my dick and I’m not in control. 

She has all of the control and I couldn’t be more pleased. The way she works those hips, the way she looks down at me. I could not have imagined that the girl I helped not to fall that day would be above me, writhing and moaning herself to an orgasm. I could not have imagined that I would be in love this soon. But that’s what they say right? When it’s right, it’s right.

With her, it’s so fucking right. I reach up and caress her cheek, locking eyes with her. When she smiles at me, her eyes sparkle and it’s like she can see all my flaws and she just runs with them. She knows I want to care for her, and she lets me. For the most part, that is. There are still moments that I wish she would come to me, but I’m a patient man.

It looks like my Angel isn’t as patient.

“Mmm, Daddy, please may I cum?” she pleads, swiveling her hips.

I can’t deny her anything and she fucking knows it. “Yes. Cum with me, Angel,” I say, grabbing her hips and planting my feet so I can pound into her. Not even a moment later, I can feel her walls squeezing me like a vice. I tumble after her, spilling inside her and fulfilling my promise. I pull her down to entangle our moans in a searing kiss.

We part to catch our breath, foreheads together and eyes closed. There is nothing better than moments like this, I find. When one or both of us are spent, all we can do is breathe and clutch each other. We melt into each other and become one. 

I need to tell her how I feel, that’s a given. But first, I want to show her how I feel. And the first step is to care for her, as usual. Especially as it looks like her bones have left the building, and so has her brain as she has gone quiet. 

I scoop her up in my arms and leave the bedroom for the bathroom, setting her on the toilet before turning on her shower. I can tell she barely registers what is going on but she allows herself to be maneuvered into the spray after I put her shower cap over her hair. I let her get adjusted to the water while she is still basking in her afterglow.

I finally see that fruity and fragrant body wash she always smells like and lather it into her with a loofah. If I spend a little extra time massaging in the lather over her breasts and ass, she doesn’t seem to mind. I rinse her body under the stream and can’t help but leave kisses across her espresso skin. 

I turn off the water and get out of the shower first and grab her towel, holding it out for her to exit. She allows me to dry her off from top to bottom, letting me kneel at her feet to dry them. Taking off her shower cap, I leave it on its hook. Wrapping her towel around her, I lead her back to the bedroom. Wordlessly, she points to her lotion and I pick it up before coming back to her. I tell her to hold it momentarily as I walk to get my phone from my pocket and queue up ‘Angel’ by FINNEAS.

I take the lotion back from her and let the towel fall to the ground as the song starts. As I massage lotion into her perfect skin, I tell her, “This song has been on my mind for a while now. Actually, I heard Faye listening to it this week and now it’s just part of my memory banks now.” I chuckle, she joins in soon enough.

‘Nothing good lasts forever

But nights with you are better

So go slow

I never knew I needed you

Before I found you for the first time, hmm

I'm out of step, I'm off my feet

I'm waking up inside a dream

Teach me how to fly’

As the song goes on, I moisturize her skin. It is as soothing to me as it is to her. Almost like a love language. Wait, are acts of service a part of my love language? We’ll come back to that later.

I kneel down at her feet to get her lower half and the song reaches its crescendo. I caress her skin and look up at her face. She looks so perfect as she smiles down at me. Her hands fall into my hair, something I’ve noticed is a bit of an antsy habit with her. She does it when I stare at her for a beat longer than I usually would, or when she doesn’t know what to say. I just love it so much, I never want her to stop.

“I love it when you play with my hair, Angel,” I close my eyes, leaning into her. Wrapping my arms around her, I kiss her belly. It is one of my favorite things about her. I could kiss and caress it all day long if she would let me. I’m sure she would. I would just have to ask.

“Well good because I love playing in your hair. I mean, these curls are like my Kryptonite,” she giggles sonorously.

“Angel, there’s something else I love,” I say, returning to my full height, “Take a guess.”

“Oh, that’s easy. You love me, right?” she throws her head back and laughs, and I can tell that she is joking and she has no clue just how right she actually is. I take her chin between my thumb and forefinger, tilting her head up so she can see the sincere smile on my face.

“I love you, Kamaria,” I search her eyes until she gets it and when she does, her eyes twinkle with unshed tears. And it breaks my fucking heart. I can tell she is questioning how and why I love her and I have to put a stop to that line of thinking. “I love you because you let me care for you. You allow me to be myself and not have to be grumpy and standoffish all the fucking time. I love your smile. I love your personality. I love the way you look at me as if I hung the moon. Let me love you, please?”

She’s nodding quickly as a single tear falls. “I love you too, Walter.”

I lean down and capture her lips. It is only then that I realize that we are both naked still. Being naked is being vulnerable. And we just took a giant leap in our relationship. I have to make sure she feels comfortable.

“Why don’t we get you into some comfy clothing and I take you out for brunch, yeah? We can hold hands and make annoying romantic faces at each other the whole time.”

She looks as though she breathes a sigh of relief before she smiles up at me. “Goodness, you really do love me. How else would you know I wanted some pancakes right now?”

“Well, I did hear your stomach grumble a bit while I was down there. But I know we’ve had sex twice in about twelve hours with no nourishment in between so it’s only right that I feed you more than my cum, ya know?”

“Oh, my God! I fucking love you for that one,” she walks away to her dresser.

“Say it again.”

“I love fucking you, I mean, I fucking love you.” she winks at me and before I can even think to punish her for that, I sputter into a laughing fit and have to put my hands on my knees to calm down.

“Damn, that was a good one. I can’t top that so I’m gonna put on my clothes and admit defeat right now.”

“Don’t worry, Daddy. I take the L so often. It was only right that I get a W at some point. Kinda funny it happens while naked during expressions of looo-ooove,” she sing-songs, pulling out a comfy sweater from her closet.

“Does the W stand for Win or Walter?” I wink as she rolls her eyes at me.

“Ya know what? I will dignify that with a response. The W does stand for Walter. I deserve you. I fucking deserve love and happiness and cheesy romantic moments! Now, put some pants on, and let’s go get pancakes and whatever the fuck a full English breakfast is.”

“We’re not getting an English breakfast that’s anywhere near as good as what I can make at home. Trust me. Let’s stick to pancakes and bacon and like, grits or something. Have you ever had grits?”

“Oh, hun. Yeah, I’ve had grits. I’ve had, like, so many types of grits too. Shrimp grits, cheese grits, creamy grits. Damnit, now I want something savory.”

“No one is saying you can’t have whatever you want, Angel.” I offer, pulling up my trousers and looking at her.

I see her catch herself before she speaks. “You know what? You’re so fucking right. I’m putting on my stretchy pants today. I am gonna eat to my heart’s content. Eat grease and butter until I need a nap. That is my ideal way to spend the rest of the day if you don’t mind?”

“I fucking love that idea. Get those stretchy pants on. And maybe pack an overnight bag? I have an idea for tomorrow and I want you there for it. Unless you have plans?” I suggest as I pull my shirt over my head.

“No plans for me. I’d love to stay the night and see what this idea of yours is,” she agrees, pulling out her overnight bag from her closet.

After she packs up her bag, we head to a diner on the way back to my house. We eat to our heart’s content and it is true. As soon as we get back to my house, we take a long nap. The itis, as Kam called it, had surely beaten us, and we were happy to lose. And I was happy to be holding the woman I loved, and who loved me, in my arms.

I am so fucking lucky.

Chapter 7

A/N: The chapter title is taken from ‘Crazy In Love’, the Sofia Karlberg version is on the Spotify playlist. I feel the need to apologize to not only Beyonce but to the Beyhive. I needed the slowed-down version, but I kinda hate the version Bey did. I’ll die on the hill that Sofia’s slow version is better. If this stops you from reading the story further, I completely underst-Call your dad, you're in a cult!

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[General Fanfiction (Everything), Henry Fanfiction, August Walker, Bright Like The Moon]

[spookyscarydemonbabe]

Why Not?! Pt 2

A/N- I loved this ask so much and i got a little carried away with it so i made it a two part fic 🥰 also i love that i’m able to add in tons of stuff about the drive in 👀 at my lake house (it’s literally a trailer in a trailer park near a lake, nothing fancy) there’s a drive in theater near there! i go every summer no matter what, if you haven’t gone to one i highly recommend it 👀

Genre- Fluff

Warnings- None :)

Tag List- @imagine-all-the-imagines @thatsthewaythechrissycrumbles @aidansloth @munsonology @esme-viridian @manyfandomsfanvergent

Words- 3.8k

The rest of the week had carried on as normal, although Gareth had been acting a bit distant since the day he gave you that shirt.

He still sat with you at lunch and would engage in group conversation with you but that was really it. He wouldn’t want to walk next to you in the halls on your way to class, he sat at the other end of the table as you at lunch, and he would barely look at you or talk to you like he used to.

You were hoping it wasn’t the date that Eddie had basically forced upon you two that had been making him keep his distance from you, but you figured it would just be easier to talk to him about it on saturday. You’d have a chance to be alone and ask him what was bothering him, and you knew he would be honest if he was stuck alone with you. He could never lie to you, and you knew that, but for some reason it felt like he was going out of his way to not talk to you to keep you from hearing him tell the truth.

About what? You didn’t know, and you didn’t like it.

When you saw him last on Friday, everything went on as normally as it always did. You made sure to confirm everything for you date with him, he was still picking you up at 7, you were still going to the drive in, and he was still acting weird around you.

But, wether he liked it or not, Gareth was still taking you out. And you were excited.

It was some that was was essentially forced upon you by Eddie, but still, a date was a date. And even if nothing happened, you knew you would still have fun. It was just a movie, a couple hours with your friend and nothing tragic would happen if you went your separate ways afterwards. Maybe then Gareth would stop being so weird around you.

Saturday soon came and you made sure you followed through with your promise.

You were going to look pretty.

You decided on a cute outfit, but nothing too fancy, it was just a movie date. Your hair was done, and you added a little makeup too. It was nice to get all done up, and honestly it didn’t matter that Gareth was the one taking you out. It was still a date.

When you finished adding your final touches, making sure that everything looked perfect, you couldn’t help but start to feel a bit nervous.

It was just Gareth, but still, a date was a date and though you were very excited about getting to spend time with him it was pretty nerve racking to be going out on an actual date with him.

Gareth was someone you always had somewhat of a little schoolgirl crush on. He was always so sweet to you, he always made sure you felt included in conversations with the rest of the guys, and there was never a time you felt uncomfortable around him. He went out of his way to make you happy when you were having a bad day and of course with all of those things together, combined with how cute he was, you couldn’t help but have a little crush on him. You decided just to keep that to yourself, buried down deep in your heart just to continue the friendship you loved with him, and being able to be his friend was a lot easier to think about than losing him as a friend by revealing your emotions to him.

You took a deep breath and looked over at the clock on your bedroom wall.

6:52 pm.

Gareth would be there any minute and you could feel your heart beating faster.

You took one last deep breath and looked over yourself in the mirror before heading downstairs to wait for him in the living room, sitting on the couch and watching as the minutes ticked by on the clock.

Suddenly the doorbell rung and it was like you completely forgot what was happening. The only thoughts racing through your mind was that Gareth was there, waiting for you at the door to take you out.

You took one last deep breath as you grabbed your bag and your jacket from the couch, approaching the front door and trying your best to calm your nerves. It was just Gareth, you were friends, the only reason you were going out was because Eddie insisted on it. But when you opened the door and saw him standing there with that pretty smile on his face you felt your nerves completely dissolve.

“Hey.” He said, looking you up and down as you stood in the doorway, “I guess you kept your promise, you look pretty. Really pretty.”

You smiled back at him and stepped out of the doorway, shutting it behind you,

“Thanks, that’s sweet of you.” You looked over him before you and you were surprised at how well put together he was.

It wasn’t like you hadn’t seen him get all dressed up before, but he looked nice. You could tell he had his mom help him with his outfit and hair, but still it was sweet that he wanted to get a little dressed up for you.

“Ready to go?” He asked you with a smile, holding his arm out for you to take.

You blushed nodded, linking your arm with his and walking down the porch steps to his car.

He reached over and opened the passenger door for you, shutting it as soon as you sat down and quickly running over to the drivers side, taking his seat next to you.

“You’re really putting on the gentleman act, is that just for me?” You asked him as you put your seatbelt on and he started up the car.

“I mean, it’s a date isn’t it? Wether it was forced onto us or not i still want you to have a good time.”

The car ride to the drive in was an awkward one, but you still managed to talk with each other just like you normally did. It was nice to be able to just spend time with one another, and though you’ve done it beforehand the circumstances were definitely different. He was asking you things about yourself that no one had before, and you had shared a few laughs talking about all the weird conversations the guys had started at lunch or when you would reminisce about the summers you had all shared together.

You could tell he was really putting the effort into making sure you were having a good time, but you could see that he was still as nervous as you were. And it was cute.

As much as he tried to hide it you could see his cheeks brighten up each time he heard you giggle and you saw that every time your gaze met his he would quickly shy away.

He pulled into the drive in, paying for your tickets and finding a good parking spot right up near the screen and as he took the keys out of the ignition he looked over to you with a nervous smile.

“You ok?” You asked him sweetly, unbuckling your seatbelt and turning your body to face him.

“Yeah, just nervous i guess.” He said with a smile, “This is um…” He trailed off and turned his eyes away from you and it made you realize why he was acting so differently with you.

“Gare, is this your first date?”

He pursed his lips and nodded, his eyes going back to meet yours and you could see how nervous he was,

“I just don’t want to mess up, you know? I mean i know we’re friends, but i still want to make sure that we both have a good time and i guess i’m just… nervous.”

You smiled to him and reached over, gently taking his hand in yours,

“It’s alright. I know that this date just started but i’m having a good time so far. Are you having a good time?”

He nodded and smiled back to you, giving your hand a gentle squeeze as he held it.

“Good! And i know you’re nervous, but you know i already like you. We’re friends, i don’t want you to feel nervous around me.”

He laughed to himself and looked down at your hands resting between the two of you, your thumb slowly brushing over the back of his,

“You’re right. And i like you too (y/n). I think the nerves are just coming from what might happen afterwards.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean what if something happens? What if something happens and we go back to school on monday and everything is weird between us?”

“Gare,” Your hand reached up and held his cheek, turning him to face you as you looked in his eyes, “I promise you, wether tonight ends up on a good or bad note, i’m still going to be your friend.”

You smiled at each other and as your hand rested on his cheek but your gaze was torn when you saw the familiar picture on the screen, letting you know the movie was starting within the next few minutes.

Gareth unbuckled his seatbelt and turned the key in the ignition, flipping through the radio stations to find the correct one for your screen,

“I’m going to grab some snacks before everything gets started, you want anything specific?”

“I don’t think so. Oh! Can you get extra butter on the popcorn?”

“Of course,” He said with a laugh, “who doesn’t want extra butter? You’re sure there’s nothing else? Candy? Drink?”

“If they have red cream soda can you get me one?”

“Red cream soda, got it! I’ll be back in a minute ok?”

You smiled and nodded, watching as Gareth made his way over the the snack hut. As soon as he was inside you quickly reached into your purse and grabbed your mascara and some chapstick just to freshen up, pulling down the visor to use the mirror.

You unscrewed the cap of your mascara but as you leaned into the mirror you though your heard a familiar laugh coming from outside near the car. You looked around but brushed it off, going back to touching up your makeup, but as you leaned into the mirror you saw where the laugh was coming from.

Parked right behind Gareths car was Eddie’s van, with him Jeff and Grant all inside. You angrily turned around to see if you were just seeing things but as you saw them once again, they all quickly ducked down to hide themselves.

Your surprise turned to anger, shocked that they were not only there, but that they were seemingly spying on you and Gareth.

You quickly got out of the car, slamming the door behind you as you stomped over to the van and pounded on the side door,

“Don’t act like i didn’t see you, open this door now!”

You crossed your arms over your chest and the door slowly slid open, the three boys sitting in back, looking like they had just seen a ghost as you were standing there.

“Hey!… What’s going on (y/n)?” Eddie said with a nervous look in his eyes.

You stood there trying to compose yourself, trying to make sure that your anger and them being there didn’t ruin the rest of you and Gareths night.

“This is a fucking joke right?” Your arms were still crossed over your chest and the boys looked at one another to see if anyone had a decent excuse for you, “Because if it’s a joke it’s not very funny. Why are you here?”

The boys nervously looked at one another before Eddie finally spoke up,

“We just wanted to make sure everything went well with you guys.”

“Yeah! I mean you guys are our friends,” Jeff spoke up from behind Eddie, “we just wanted to see how everything went on your date.”

“So rather than just waiting until Monday or having one of us call you guys later, you showed up to spy on us?”

They were silent once again, only angering you more, and they could clearly see it plastered all over your face that as soon as you got the chance you would kill them.

“Yes?…” Eddie said.

“Are you three dumb or just stupid?” You looked over near the snack hut and saw Gareth making his way back out, a bag of popcorn in his arms and a drink in each hand, “Listen to me, all of you,” You leaned into the van, “I’m trying to have a good night with him and if any of you try to ‘help’ and fuck it up, so help me god i will kill you. Do i make myself clear?” The boys nodded, scared of what might happen if they had said anything more.

“Good!” You said with a cheery smile to try and mask your anger, “Stay in the van.” You slammed the door shut and glanced over to see where Gareth was before quickly going back into his car.

He returned with a smile, handing you your drink and setting the bag of popcorn between you on the seat,

“Extra butter, and a red cream soda.” He reached over and moved a bit closer to you on the seat, starting up the car once again and flipping through the radio stations to find the channel for the screen.

It was quiet in the car for a few moments, only the sounds of the trailers playing for the new movies on screen were heard but the silence between the two of you was deafening.

You were finally all alone together. It was dark out, the stars in the night sky could be seen behind the dark screen and though you were surrounded by other couples in their cars it felt like it was just the two of you. It was nice, a bit awkward, but nice.

You looked over to him and smiled, noticing a slight blush on his cheeks as he smiled back. Your eyes wandered over one another’s faces for a moment but your eyes were torn away from one another as the movie up on the screen started.

“Hey, i never really looked into this movie, what kind is it?” Gareth asked you as he took some popcorn from the bag.

“It’s a scary one. I thought it would be perfect for a date, i’ve been dying to see it but i was scared to go by myself.”

He smiled and moved a bit closer to you on the seat,

“I guess it’s good you asked me out then.”

You giggled and moved yourself closer to him, taking some popcorn into your hand and popping a few pieces into your mouth as you watched the opening credits roll.

The night went on like you had expected it to. The movie was about halfway over and there were already plenty of scares, and you and Gareth had shared a few giggles each time one of you jumped. Thankfully, there was no interruptions during your time together, and you were hoping that the rest of the night would be the same. You and Gareth were having a great time together, and though it was quiet, you still loved being able to spend time together.

The two of you had moved closer and closer to one another as the movie played, and every now and then you would sneak little glances over to each other and blush once your eyes met. And Gareth was being so sweet the whole night. As nervous as he was, he really wanted to make sure that the two of you had a good time.

The movie was around halfway over by this time and your eyes were glued onto the screen, knowing that the silence meant there had to have been a good jump scare coming up. Your hands were lifted up close to your eyes just in case they needed to be covered for whatever scare was about to come.

Gareth looked over to you and could see that you were scared, and of course the cliché move of doing a fake yawn to put his arm around you to comfort you popped into his head.

He had been wanting to get closer to you all night, but as badly as he wanted to he didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, especially when you had been enjoying being with each other. All he had wanted to do was get closer to you but he didn’t want to embarrass himself by doing the most obvious move he could think of. Still, it was really the only thing he could think of.

He glanced over at you once more and his gaze caught your attention, and you smiled as you looked over to him. He smiled back to you and you could see that he was starting to get nervous again,

“You alright Gare?”

“Yeah, i’m fine. I’m just…” He nervously laughed to himself, “I’m really having a good time.”

You blushed and quickly leaned into him, placing a gentle kiss onto his cheek,

“I’m having a good time too.”

He smiled and he could feel his cheeks burning as your lips touched them.

He figured it didn’t matter if he embarrassed himself or not, he wanted to get close to you and that little kiss was able to push him into it.

He looked over at you one last time before he took a deep breath, reaching his arms up to stretch and placing one into the headrest behind you as he put them down, his hand landing gently onto your shoulder.

You giggled as you felt his touch and looked over to him,

“Did you just do that fake yawn move to put you arm around me?”

He looked over to you still blushing,

“Maybe. Is it alright that i did?”

You smiled and moved the popcorn that was between you onto the floor, moving yourself into him and resting your head onto his shoulder,

“Yep. As cliché as it is, it was pretty cute.”

Gareth smiled to himself and rubbed your shoulder, resting his head on top of yours.

He couldn’t believe that the night was going so well, and now he was holding you close, having you shield your eyes into his chest as the jumpscares kept coming throughout the movie. But there was something that made him feel a bit uneasy. Like you were being watched.

His eyes wandered over to the cars parked next to you, but they just had other couples watching the movie. As he went back to the screen, he quickly glanced up at the rear view mirror and thought his eyes were playing tricks on him when he saw Jeff’s face peeking out from the van parked behind you. A van that looked surprisingly like Eddie’s.

“Is that Jeff?” He turned his head around to see into window of the van and as Gareth saw him, Jeff quickly ducked down.

You sat up and looked behind you into the van, watching as Eddie and Grant quickly peeked up and hid themselves from you two.

“What are they doing here?” Gareth took his arm from around your shoulder and went to open the car door but you grabbed his hand and pulled him back.

“Ignore them, i saw they were here earlier and told them to leave us alone. I guess they can’t help but turn every situation into one where we all have to be together.”

Gareth sighed and went back to watching the movie with you, but the guys continued to sneak glances at you two and it was nothing but a distraction. And you could tell that Gareth was angry.

“Gare, are you ok?”

“I thought i was. (y/n), i’m sorry if they ruined our date, i promise i had no idea they were going to be here.”

“It’s alright!” You said to him with a smile, “I know you wouldn’t do something like that. I think we should’ve figured they’d do something like this though.” You giggled.

“Yeah, i guess you’re right.” Gareth smiled, “I just wished they’d stop staring at us. I wanted to have a good night with you…”

“I’m having a good night,” You sat up just a bit and turned your body towards his, “it’s been a lot of fun, and if you want… maybe we can do something again together soon?” You asked him with a light blush over your cheeks.

“Are you asking me out again?”

“I guess i am.” You said giggling.

“Yeah, i’d like to do something with you again soon. Just promise me that i get to ask you out soon?”

“I promise, you can ask me the next time.” You leaned over to him and gently kissed his cheek again.

Gareth looked into the mirror again and now saw all three of them peeing up to look at the two of you and he groaned in frustration.

“I wish they’d just leave us alone and stop staring, it’s starting to piss me off.”

You glanced back at them and saw them duck down, and as your eyes wandered back to Gareth they slowly moved down to his lips.

You looked up to him and could tell that he was shyly looking down to yours too.

The corners of your lips turned to a gentle smile and you leaned in closer to him,

“You want to give them something to stare at?”

Gareth smiled and the two of you slowly leaned into one another, your arms going around his neck as your lips met.

Your kiss was over as soon as it started but as you opened your eyes to look at one another once again all you wanted was more.

Your hand went behind his neck and pulled him back into you, your fingers gently tugging at his soft curls as his hands went to hold your waist as your lips moved with one another.

The two of you could hear the guys excitedly laughing with one another and Gareth broke the kiss to turn back at them and give them the finger but your hand went to his cheek, turning him back to face you,

“I didn’t tell you i wanted to stop.” You brought him back into you and his hands pulled at your waist, bringing you into his lap as your arms went around his neck.

The rest of the movie would be forgotten, along with the guys who had kept up their promise to not mess anything up while the two of you were getting lost with one another. All that was on your minds was each other, and that’s exactly what you wanted.

All you wanted was him.

[natescoloringbook]

🎉26 Birthday

I’m like very overdue on this but things have been real awful lately! Like actually hellish, and flipped on the top of its head in the span of a day. Literally went from feeling like the best thing in my life was going to happen, to exactly the worst thing in my life happening. And I cannot talk about it! So enjoy the vagueness because I am sad, and dying, and very surprised I am still alive and surviving right now. Lot’s of big good things were happening but then the big bad happening just sent everything crumbling down. I’ve only just now worked up the energy to finish up making my birthday post ( and now I can look back on happy Birthday times and cry for my unknowing self as to what was about to go down a few weeks later lol ).

Our plan for my birthday this year was to head into Edinburgh on the Saturday to go to Camera Obscura & spend the night, go to the Littles Lock In on Sunday, and then my friend Leo would be coming over to stay with us on Sunday & Monday night.

Ready and packed on Friday!

 Saturday

We were headed into Edinburgh in the late afternoon so there was no rush. I had a bath in the morning and came out to a surprise…

A new backpack ( and a plush Big Bird keychain to go on it ). I couldn’t believe it!! I discovered these bags from Pottery Barn earlier in the month and absolutely fell in love with them, the only problems being that they’re expensive, hard to find in the UK, and the ones that are on the Pottery Barn UK website aren’t to my tastes. I cried when I seen this haha. One of the biggest reasons I wanted a backpack in this style is that the buckle straps in the front are perfect for carrying a teddy around. And after using this backpack for a week now I can safely say I recommend the brand 100%. It is much larger than my “adult” sized backpacks, can hold my water bottle ( too big to fit into others ) and is also waterproof!

Then we got ready and were on our way to start the birthday celebrations.

On our way to Camera Obscura we passed by a giftshop that sold Jellycats. And I picked up a birthday present from my Mom here…

GIANT Nessie in the shop window.

Meet Mini Egg! He is a huge lavendar dragon by Jellycat and I love him so much

We met up with my friend Leo and went inside Camera Obscura. This was my first time going there and it was a lot of fun!

View of Edinburgh Castle from the top of Camera Obscura

Leo and I made a big dragon pile while we were waiting for dinner

Making friends in the hotel room

🌈 Sunday

Today was the Littles Lock In so I have no pictures! But it was a really fun time as always. I can’t wait for the next one : D

My special birthday outfit

🌈 Monday

We had no special plans for today! Leo and I went to have a look around some shops while Eli stayed home because he wasn’t feeling well.

Picked this wooden dinosaur up

Leo got this guy! I wanna get someone from this brand one day too

I need to draw my fursona like this

We had Tim Hortons kids meals for lunch! I always wanted to try these and it was nice, I’ll for sure have it again

When we came home there was a surprise birthday party happening!! I also had some more gifts.

Minions pyjamas from Eli

Weighted Grogu plush from our friend Beth

🌈 Tuesday

My actual birthday for real! Leo headed home early in the morning while Eli and I stayed in Glasgow for a surprise. Which ended up being pottery painting : D

Mine is on the top, Eli’s is on the bottom

We had pizza for lunch

I had an amazing birthday this year ( and it will take me all year to remember to change my age everywhere haha ). Thankyou to everyone who took the time to send good wishes my way! ❤

[youareinbarbados]

*door slam*

*door slam*

Living in the end:

What is it like? It feels like having your phone. It feels like having something you've had for quite a while now. Sorry to be a "bubble burster". When something is natural, it has a very low amount of emotional reactivity. This is why desiring something to the point of desperation usually will yield nothing. You'll notice a remarkable lack of "visceral Stimulation" when something is natural. It's why you hear so many people saying that they achieved their ends when they "dropped it". Dropping it is knowing that it already "is", therefore you experience the relief and peace of having it. You'll unconsciously think of other things. This is antithetical to the burning desperation everyone on Reddit seems to exude. Want money or the SP ? Well obviously they are not in your 3d, and pretending they are will just lead to dementia and soaring cortisol levels. However knowing that the future is certain, because it's **already** a done deal seems to stress people out far less than "living as if".

Abdullah (Arnold Josiah Ford) slammed the door in Neville's face..this is symbolic, for silencing your rational thinking mind, which is always obsessed with the "how". The door slam is the moment you stop worrying and start to "know". When you order on Amazon, the item is already yours. It just needs to be shipped. If I buy an iphone on the site, I officially have an iphone. It's a done deal. Yeah it needs to travel and get shipped, but it's mine. And the more i take my mind off it, (dropping the seed) the faster time seems to fly to get it to me. So when I get the iphone, you think I'm still thinking about getting an iphone ? No. I'm thinking about stopping my kids from running on the ceiling.

Imagine you're looking down a long hallway. The end of the hallway is your future. All you have to do to have what you want, is know that it is already at the end of that tunnel, NOW. Wouldn't you feel more peaceful during the walk THROUGH the tunnel, in that case ? Now is the future of the past. The *past* doesn't exist, but it seems to affect you **NOW**. Why? Because you KNOW the **PAST** happened, despite not existing. *KNOW* the future. It has the same effect on NOW as the past does. It's like getting paid every Friday. On Tuesday, you know your pay comes Friday. it's already set. It's already done. Obsessing over your payday, on Tuesday, would be foolish and give you only anxiety. So make plans for Saturday and the week after, because your pay comes Friday, even if it's Tuesday now. I'm trying to use the most practical examples for clarity.

That feeling that it is done, quite literally is the key to all of this. Knowing and having that peace literally gets rid of every urge to endlessly scroll through success stories trying to build your faith. You might even uninstall reddit. Meh. What do I know anyway?

You don't need reddit. You don't need Weekly success stories. You don't need "Edward Art". You don't need Sammy Ingram. You don't need this post, or even reddit. You have all you need already. You were born with more than enough. Trust yourself. You don't need anyone or anything outside of yourself to make things work. Following online "dieties" will only shift your focus to them, and will further distract you from your ends. You'll know there's a problem when you spend more time waiting for someone to give you more knowledge, than you are APPLYING what they teach you. Being enamored with a "teacher" is just a distraction. Neville's actual books teach you that YOU are what makes it function. There are people who mold their lives into their dreams, and they e literally never heard of these people or reddit. Imagine that...these are the "pendulums" that Vadim Zeland talks about. Mental "energy sinks" if you will. Avoid anything that takes your mental energy off of yourself and your life/future. That includes the past.

Your job is to keep TWO things; 1, Your "end", and 2, your mind, clear. When your mind isn't clear, you can't perceive your 4D directions TO your end.

Living in the end means living in the end of desire. And what does it feel like to "End" desire? That's for YOU to answer. No one else can.

Just have to "Order, then wait." -Neville lecture

[timeoverload]

I have been so angry all day and I am literally shaking still. I am trying really hard not to take it out on anyone. I think I might be a little hormonal.

I am still frustrated about what happened on Saturday but I haven't wanted to make a big deal out of it. I guess I am just supposed to wake up super early every Saturday and get ready in case you decide you want to message me. It is making me anxious now. I would appreciate to get some more notice next time because you didn't say anything until 1:30. I don't want to keep doing this and I just want to hang out now...

I wish you weren't mad at me about it because I wanted to see you too. I definitely didn't enjoy the rest of my weekend. I wish I wouldn't have had things I needed to do that day and that I had felt better. I really didn't mean to upset you or ruin your weekend. I'm sorry.

I also didn't know what I wanted to get but I think I figured it out. I want a snake on my upper right arm with some hibiscus flowers. I think I want red hibiscus flowers. I think I want to incorporate some more cherry blossoms into that or some other small flower. Flowers are kind of my thing I guess. I still haven't found any good reference pictures but I'm working on it. I'm sure whatever you come up with will look amazing as always. I know you were trying to convince me to get a koi on my arm but I want one on my leg. I am starting to get more ideas now.

I know that I had mentioned earlier last week that I needed to spend time over the weekend working on my finances because it has been bothering me a lot and I've been having nightmares about it. I am just trying to be responsible. I already got sued once last year. I didn't want to try to take out any money from my bank account over the weekend because I was waiting for my payments to clear.

I didn't have time to call the OBGYN's office today to pay my bill from a couple months ago and I owe them $200 still. I tried to pay online and it wasn't working. They closed before I got off work. I was super busy this afternoon and I got another call from a debt collector and I decided to answer it because I was already mad and having horrible anxiety about everything. I just want them to go away. The guy on the phone was super rude. They wanted money for a bill that I didn't even know I had from when I was in the hospital. I just decided to pay it even though it was over $300. I have like no savings left. I was trying to save up for a car but I knew I had a lot of bills to pay for first. I guess I didn't realize how much I owed because I'm so disorganized. Maybe I will learn this time.

There are things I need to buy right now too so I might be struggling for a while. I need to make sure I have enough in my account to cover the bills that are on auto-pay. I'm trying not to spend too much money on food at work. I know I need to have at least $100 for Friday. I hope I can also afford new glasses and take the cats to the vet next week. I won't get paid until next Friday.

I also wanted to order some things to donate but I didn't want to do that until I paid some stuff off. I am planning on doing that tonight so hopefully whatever I end up getting arrives on time. I'm not sure if I will have the energy to go to the store and it's easier for me to order things.

I didn't have a good day. It definitely felt like a Monday. I got woken up by a fox screaming outside my window. They like to hang out on the side of the house at night. I love them and I think they're adorable but they make the most unsettling noises. I went outside to get in my car for work and noticed my car door was frozen shut. I had to get a ride to work from my dad but I wasn't late thankfully. I'm glad I can rely on him when I need help. It was nice to not have to worry about parking or walking in the cold today.

When I got to work, I was the only one in the department and I didn't know where anyone was. I was trying to get my eye stuff set up when someone came running in to tell me there were priorities in decontam and they needed to be done right away. There were 6 impactor drills and those are a pain to wash and I ended up having to do it because no one else was around. I couldn't wait for someone to show up because I didn't have a lot of time to get them in the autoclave. I still had a lot of my own stuff to do but somehow I figured it out. I also set up a bunch of pans for the wrong doctor because I've been distracted and lost in my head. They can still use the pans tomorrow but I try to be accurate so I don't create more work for the techs but there's not much I can do about it now. The state showed up for a surprise inspection this morning and they are supposed to be there until Thursday. Everything is always so chaotic when they show up because the people in charge are trying to cover their asses and hide things. Everyone is so stressed out and I hate it. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow because they are going to follow me and watch me work for a while and that's going to be nerve-racking. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm glad I didn't have to stay late tonight because I was on the verge of having an episode at work.

It's nice to be home now. I think I'm finally starting to calm down. I have no idea what I'm going to eat tonight but my stomach still feels like it's in knots. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the rest of the week but I will survive. I still have so much stuff to do tonight so I probably should stop writing now. I am already so tired but I am expecting to be up late tonight anyway. Hopefully tomorrow is better than I think it will be.

I hope everyone else has a lovely evening. Thanks for listening to me vent.

💖💖💖

[purple-hel]

I am extremely angry with my ex (I might be redirecting sadness). I had to take one of his cats, Leo, to the vet for the last time last night. Leo wasn't mine but he also wasn't NOT mine.

Cut for having to let a pet go on.

Backstory-When ex and I first moved in together, we had a roommate. She had cats. We had cats. Leo was her cat at the time. We lived together for several years, and I loved her cats just like mine, cos that's who I am as a person. Eventually she moved out.

Fast forward about a decade. Ex and I have just just separated. Former roomie is moving overseas and can't take her cats, and asks Ex if he'd like Leo, as Leo and one of our cats, Miranda, were very close when we all lived together. Ex said yes. Only Leo and Miranda no longer got along well, and Leo wouldn't leave ex's bedroom for like 2 years because Miranda would pick on him.

Then I ended up without a place to live in early fall 2019 and staying in ex's guest room for a year, and in pretty short order had Leo and Miranda better socialized. They never got back to their youthful friendship, but they tolerated each other enough that Leo didn't just hide. /Backstory

So, Leo was diagnosed diabetic earlier this year, needed twice daily insulin. I've always been ex's go to cat sitting, since we split, but with Leo needing so much care catsitting had to happen at my place.

The first time I saw the cats after Leo was diagnosed, I was shocked how thin they had *both* gotten. I pointed this out to Ex *repeatedly*, over months, and he kept telling me I was wrong, the vet had said in June they needed to lose weight. But you could feel their ribs! There was NOT an appropriate amount of muscle and fat. But he kept insisting the vet had said in June they needed to lose weight. /Backstory

I hadn't seen the cats in about 2 months. They went to the vet last week and were both diagnosed as having early stage renal issues, probably from the diabetic food. They were supposed to transition to renal food, but the vet only had the wet, not dry, so said keep giving them the dry diabetic, as much as they wanted, and wet renal twice a day. Ex was going home for the holidays, so I was going to have his cats for a week.

I picked them up Wednesday evening. Leo was SO THIN. LITERALLY just skin and bones. Forget *feeling* his ribs, there was *nothing* under his skin except bones. Ex had already left town, so I just brought them to my place. Leo seemed OK at first, but I started to suspect he wasn't eating.

After I gave him his insulin Friday morning, I sat and watched, and he barely ate his wet food. I came back later and it was gone, but no way to know if he ate it or Miranda. So Friday night I sat and *watched*. He didn't eat any of it, and was very lethargic. I didn't give him his insulin (low blood sugar is a lot faster of a danger than high), and gave him some water from canned chicken. He kept sipping it, at least. I called my ex and told him what was going on, and that I thought Leo should go to the vet.

But Ex said 'but they'll just say put him to sleep, right?' I told ex no, vets will try and do whatever you can afford if it could help, but ex spent a lot of money on the trip home, and wanted to wait and see.

I'm pissed at myself I didn't push harder. Maybe it would have made a difference.

I didn't give Leo his insulin at all on Saturday, and kept trying to get him to eat and drink, but he wasn't really. Before I went to bed Saturday night, I checked on him again, and found he'd thrown up and was lying in it. I called ex and said it was time for the vet NOW.

Ex was asleep and tried to argue, couldn't it wait till he got back in a week, until I finally had to SAY I was pretty sure it was either a gentle falling asleep at the vet or me spending hours or days watching Leo die, and I was *not* willing to do that.

So at 3am on Christmas in 7 degrees (my car doors were frozen shut even *with* remote start), I had to go to the emergency vet.

Leo's blood volume was so low they couldn't get his BP. His temp was 95 when it should have been like 102. He had aspirated the throw up. (his glucose was normal tho, so I was right about skipping the insulin at least.) He was *severely* malnourished, and they were side eyeing me until I gave them his history and said I haven't had any say in his care and had been telling Ex he was too thin for months.

So the vet gave me the 'we can try things but it will be extremely expensive and unlikely to have to outcome you want, or we can help him go gently' speech. I had to call and wake my ex *again*, and listen to him complain that this was happening while he was out of town, and had to explain to Ex repeatedly that any other choice was choosing to let Leo suffer. The vet specifically said, several times, that Leo was suffering.

And then I had to be the one to cuddle Leo while they gave him the shots, because my fucking Ex ignored me telling him for 6 months that the cat was too thin, because 'the vet said he needs to lose weight'. And because I didn't insist on taking Leo to get fluids on Friday. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference, I don't know, and I never will know and that's killing me.

[understandingsuicidality]

Because most relationships are extremely one-sided, toxic positive, and disappointing.  

Another aspect of being alive that makes me hate being alive, and makes me hate relationships, is this: in the same vein of toxic positivity, there is this assumption that if a relationship is going to be had, it better be 110% fun, enjoyable, or beneficial for the other party involved at all times. Or else they ain't got time for you.

And you know what? That's fucking exhausting.

It's exhausting that I better be pleasant, happy, fun, joyful, thrilling, sexy, have nothing but positive stories to tell on the phone, or give everyone else some kind of a benefit while exchanging time with me, or else I'll get cancelled, hated on, and/or socially rejected and cast aside.

Fake happy, or alone. Those are the options. God forbid you should actually be a human being. You have to be exceptionally excellent, fun, and have everything to give to everyone, or else you're a reject.

So then, what the fuck is the point of my entire existence, and what is the point of even trying to have friendships?

Because I didn't know any better, I would conclude that the purpose of my existence is this:

basically to work my ass off in most of my waking hours Monday through Friday, giving everything to everyone else at work, in exchange for a check that barely meets my own survival needs. Usually, I'm working in some sort of dysfunctional work environment that is wasting its own potential for efficiency, losing out on the opportunity for highly effective outcomes b/c the people in charge have absurd ideas of what they think makes for a good company/organization, and I find myself working in a work environment that drains every last ounce of my personal energy. So by the time I finally get home, there is nothing left in me to give to myself or anyone else in my life.

Most of the time on Saturday and Sunday I'm trying to recover and manage the chaos that M-F left on my apartment and energy levels, while preparing for the week ahead. And if I want to pass the time doing something "fun", there is no one to be found to have human fun with. Because they all have kids or life partners they would really prefer to spend their time with. Or because they are working. Or giving their time to a myriad of other realities where they feel like they are pumped up emotionally or whatever.

Most of the time when a friend or someone else calls me, they expect me to be this bubbling brook of rainbows, sunshine, and nothing but fun stories to tell and nothing but positive vibes to give that pump them up and make their lives more joyful. Or they need something from me.

Long gone are the days where your friends just want to be around you for the sake of passing time in company. Now, it's like that time better be spent in some social-media-worthy way, or you're not worth anyone's time or attention. And then ironically, when I have ideas for fun shit to do, no one is available b/c they're already busy.

The worst are the friends who I can tell only allow positivity into their reality. I know you're lying when you say a phone call came in and you have to go, the minute I start to share about the latest problem that has occurred in my life.

Ummm... did you think I was a professional clown for your own entertainment? What fun shit do YOU have to bring to the table? What fun stories do YOU have to tell? Did YOU have any fun plans for us to do together? Oh wait... no? Nothing at all?

Then stop expecting me to be the goddamn Giver (if you've read that book, you know what I'm talking about).

Also, stop expecting me to be some sort of ficticious robot you've decided in your own head that I am, when in reality I'm a human being living an exhausting reality, who also just so happens to encounter more than my fair share of unusual and absurd difficulties that literally no one else I know seems to encounter.

No, I'm not your goddamn personal play toy and stand up comedian for the sole purpose of maintaining your toxic positivity. Is that why you have friends, tho? Because that's stupid.

The purpose of having relationships, to me, both platonic and romantic, is for the mutual and reciprocal sharing of life. Life has its ups AND its downs. Sometimes we just need to vent and feel heard. Other times we have good news to share and want to celebrate with someone. Sometimes people just want to feel connected instead of feeling alone.

A relationship means having a thought partner when needed. Having an adventure partner. Having people who also come up with fun shit to do, instead of always relying upon me to entertain them. A relationship means that when you call, you call because you genuinely want to connect or update yourself on what's been going on in my life, and have the time to give your full and undivided attention-- not that you're squeezing in a call while your boyfriend and radio are blaring in the background, and I know you're not even listening.

A relationship, to me, means having a side kick for doing fun things together, exploring, and finding unique and interesting things to experience together beyond just going out and getting drunk. Sometimes it's just having someone else to hold or emote with while we watch Netflix.

Having relationships, to me, is more than just you getting laid while I don't have an orgasm because you suck in bed, and treat me like a goddamn prostitute.

Yet most motherfkers out there these days just seem to want to be entertained by me or to mine me for benefits.

And #ICant. Go get a dog if that's what you need.

So if I was to kill myself, would all these alleged fake friends even give a shit? I genuinely know that if I was to kill myself, all the fake friends would pretend to be sad for like, a day, and then they would pick up and move right along with their happy little positive lives and probably turn my funeral into a drinking party for their own fun and enjoyment, then they would post all the pictures on instagram of how much fun they had together at the bar after my funeral.

Would all the times come flooding back where I was in need of a thought partner, or obviously stressed out on the phone, and they pretended like they had to go?

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here friend (loving the wizard wear, particularly the dragon ring 🐉❤) with our song for this week's heart-wrenching episode, Intermission. This isn't the most hopeful of SaL songs, but I think it's appropriate given the struggles of Hen and Buck, both trying to find an equilibrium between versions of themselves. For Hen it's very explicit, we literally end on her having to choose "side a or side b", while the ease Buck was seeking all episode gets upended with Lev's final thoughts.

Sorry this took me an extra day to get to, we were out of town and got back late though it was worth the drive for a delicious meal and lots of tea and an excuse to dress up! I didn’t get the bracelets in the picture, and the ring is actually a willow tree but I might have a dragon ring somewhere. I used to get a fandom jewelry box once a month for a year or two so I have a ton of random and fun fandom pieces that come in handy when I want to match whatever theme the tea room is doing that month! Then, Friday was a draining work day and I wanted to come into this one fresh because this song is one of my favorites so I figure a cozy Saturday morning over tea is just right! (I got their Darcy and Elizabeth tea during their Jane Austen tea last month and it is delightful!)

So we have talked about this song once before that I could find, and it was also about 911 and Buck/Eddie after the hostage situation last season so that’s fun! I’m excited to revisit it now when we see Hen and Buck in these transitional periods.

i’m so tired but i can’t sleep. my mind is full but i can’t speak. among the dust of the hard-to-reach, i’m stuck right here, somewhere between side a and side b.

i could call it compromise or just an intermission. some kind of consolation prize for the race i never finished.

Okay so right away I’m thinking about that scene in the loft with Hen and Buck. Buck looks that kind of exhausted-wired where he can’t sleep so he’s researching, trying to find the secret of happiness. I find it interesting that he’s not the one who brings up what he’s reading, he waits for Hen to engage first and once he feels like he has permission, then he starts asking the questions he’s been holding in. We all know Buck is feeling stuck in this limbo after his relationship ended and he’s scared to make a wrong move forward. I’m also thinking of that chair from last week that he moved into the couch space, a consolation prize for now, but we see it only seats one and that’s not what Buck is looking for long term!

Then we have the Hen of it all, running herself ragged, the other end of the spectrum where she WANTS to sleep but cannot allow herself to, lest she fall behind. And her mind is so full of all the things she has going on that you can see she doesn’t really want to continue this conversation with Buck, but she takes a moment anyway because he’s family and clearly something is up. She really will make an amazing captain someday when she’s ready to take that on. She’s constantly switching from captain mode to medical student mode to mom/wife/friend mode, making compromises where she can to try and juggle everything when Bobby ends up gone longer than originally planned. This limbo as we see by the end of the episode is not sustainable for her! 

i want to turn these tired gears. i want to feel the follow-through, some kind of equilibrium… something to set my watch to.

i’m here, somewhere between victory and a white flag. caught in this purgatory dream, i’m stuck.

Buck is looking for a steady presence in his life because he never felt settled before and now he has a job he loves and people he loves but he’s looking for that constant at home too. We saw it last season with him coming home alone watching his gf on TV and how deflated he looked. The thing is, he’s already set his watch to something, and that’s the Diaz boys! We see his kitchen bright and cheery and full of life, with him spending hours (and several previous tries) to feed the people he loves, and more than that, while this might be the first Buckley-Diaz family dinner WE’RE seeing on screen, the completely comfortable vibes show us that this is a regular occurrence, and Eddie and Chris are completely at home in Buck’s space. (Also, the concept of “time” and “watches” surrounding Buddie definitely had my ears perking up at that line!) Buck spent last season being caught between pushing through and not giving up on a relationship that was all give and gradually draining him of life and “giving up” which he thinks is failure when really he was setting himself free! But now he’s in this limbo of looking for something while not realizing it’s been right in front of him this whole time! 

 I loved seeing Hen’s phone, constantly lighting up with her schedule of activities, trying to follow through on all her commitments, setting her watch by what everything and everyone else needs from her, and in that, pushing aside what SHE needs and in the end, she’s left feeling like she let everyone down. Hen is definitely in her purgatory dream right now! The things she wants are within her sights, but she’s now having to face the possibility of waiving the white flag on something or risking losing everything. 

but i want to set the record straight, i want to retrace my every step. if i could just rewind all the tapes then maybe i’d find my loose thread.

call it a compromise or just an intermission. some kind of consolation prize, so close, but never finished.

i want to turn these tired gears. i want to feel the follow-through, some kind of equilibrium… something to set my watch to.

That first bit is hitting RIGHT in the Buck feels, because Hen knows where she went wrong, she took on too much. But Buck, Buck is looking back over every decision trying to find where things when wrong so he can keep from making the same mistake. And doing that can be healthy and a learning experience! However Buck is clearly obsessing about not making the same mistakes, going without so he doesn’t pick the wrong “couch” again, and tying to research binge his way though this struggle to find a perfect “answer” to how to be happy. I want to very, very gently shake him. I find it interesting that in his quest to not repeat the same mistakes, we have him put in a situations similar to so many of his other past “mistakes”, not things that were ever his fault, but left him feeling like he failed anyways. We have the victim buried in a collapsed tunnel with shrapnel in his shoulder, and we have not only a crush injury, but also one involving an older man, with people he’s known for decades. A man that puts his own safety on hold to allow a kid to be saved, and then feels his purpose has been served and dies while Buck desperately gives compressions. It’s A LOT and such a mashing together of so many awful moments in Buck’s life that it’s no wonder he’s such a mess! I look forward to where this storyline is going for him this season.

As for Hen, she’s coming up on making some hard decisions and while I think we’ll see her choose to stay at the 118 now that she knows being captain is a possibility for her, it’s going to be painful to see her letting that other dream of medical school go. I’m curious to see if they will end up letting her do both, just to keep that route open in case Aisha decides to leave at some point (please god let this show wrap up naturally and not drag out until all the mains are gone or utterly unrecognizable, I am literally begging, do not do this to my family!) Hen is looking for equilibrium now and finding a balance that’s sustainable and I’m excited to see where that journey takes us, especially since we’re getting some good Henren scenes this season!

Excellent choice as always my friend! 

[theluxuriansecret]

Dear Diary 7.9.2022

12:41 am

Dear diary, the days surely do fly by. So much has happened in what feels like such a short span of time. It's a lot, but because I have neglected to write down my feelings I am currently feeling overwhelmed. I'm really hoping that i can real myself in before I explode. (I'm also on my period, but just because I am doesn't mean my feelings right now in this moment aren't valid)

So, to begin, in may I broke with my boyfriend after the third attempt that month. It was after I got back from vacation. on vacation not only did I get my clothes stolen (and spend practically every night drunk) but I had met this guy on my very last night. After arguing with my bf I decided then and there I was done, and I was going to hook up with this guy. I didn't though, but I did make out with him. That proved to me that I was over him for real. So the day after I got home I told him I was done. It did not go down well. He screamed and he cried and he begged me to love him, but I couldn't, and I didn't and I still don't. I have love for him, I DO love him, but I am not in love with me. Today (or i guess yesterday) he told me he is still waiting for me to tell him I want him back, that I love him and I want him to be my boyfriend. But that's where that ends for right now.

For the past two weeks I have spent basically everyday drowning myself in some distraction. Going to the beach, the fair, to bars, video games, drinking, so much fucking drinking. Literally anything. Which brings to two Fridays ago. I was out at a bar with my friend. I met this guy who seemed sweet. I gave him my # not really thinking about it. And that night he tells me he wants to take me on a date. Fast forward a week after talking and he tells me we should speak on the phone so there isn't much anxiety. And even though our date was set for Saturday it happened that Friday. It went great, or so I thought. IDK. We ended up hooking up. The first person I have been with since my bf. And it ended weird. No one finished and he just sat there, like defeated. There was basically radio silence since that day. He messages me yesterday telling me he had went and enjoyed his birthday vacation with his ex (it wasn't his ex by the way, he's just a cheater) and that he was reconsidering their relationship. Okay. That story is over. It ends just like that. I just hope that when he re-reconsidered he doesn't come crawling in my fucking messages. Fuck That.

Anyway, I went on another date this past Wednesday. It was like okay I guess, good at best. The guy was super sweet and kind. I wanted to hookup him, like I did. But I didn't and I still don't even know why. I also think he is on the Autism spectrum, actually not think, I know. He even mentioned it "he thinks". That doesn't bother me at all though, actually the only thing that bothers me is that he isn't sure (or officially diagnosed) when it's obvious. Unless he was just trying to test out the waters to see how I would react. I do kinda wanna see him again though.

Today was the first Friday in a while that I wasn't out. And idk, I have been in my feelings all day. That guy one can just go back to his girl like that. I mean, I didn't want a relationship with him but I did want a little more fun out of him I guess. It just sucks because I keep looking at my phone hoping he texts me... Sigh, I wanted to experience hookup culture so bad for some reason, but it's not anything like I thought it would be. I think I jumped in too fast. I need to focus on myself and my goals and dreams like I said I would, but here I sit. Unemployed, secretly sad, and finding every and anyway to distract myself. Also I cracked my phone screen so, theres that as well.

I want to take the time away from my ex to find myself, to find hobbies, passions, learn something new. But right now I feel like I have fallen deep into 15 year old me's bad habits. Except I'm older now, and it's so much easier to make bad decisions. I guess you live and you learn though.

SOTD: Girl With No Name - Jules Larson + AG