theluxuriansecret

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 10.6.24

8:25 pm

Dear Diary,

I have a lot of unpleasant feelings tonight and I am unsure on how to deal with them.

To start, my birthday is in three weeks and I have been thinking about planning something for my birthday for FOREVER, but nothing is really clicking. Im unsure why I am so hesitant to do something with my friends. I don't know if this is depression or what, but I just feel like I am coasting in life, and that is just not me. I am fun and semi spontaneous. I love myself, and my friends and going out so why does it all feel so different?

Life has been so boring. And Im realizing how much I have to plan in order to do things that I enjoy! Adult life makes me sad. It is so hard to plan around everyones lives. It is so frustrating. I can't believe I'm about to say this but I lowkey miss college. But not in the school way, just in the way when we were all on the same schedules and things were so much easier to do. I thought I wanted life after post grad, and I really really did. I still do and for the most part I enjoy my routine life, but it's boring..

Speaking of boring, my relationship is kind of boring. I wish we went out more and experienced more together. I feel like all we do is the back and forth to each others places. Like we've been to the movies together twice and we've been out to eat a handful of times but for the most part I thought we do shit that's fun. I want to have cute movie nights with snacks and do face masks. I want to have picnics and go on walks together, I want to go to more dinners and actually spend more time together than drinking and playing video games.

Either way, I am going to try and be more proactive in my life, m y love life, and plan more fun things to do.

Also my bf suggested that I changed my room around and tbh I think I should too. I would love to invest and at least two new comforters and get a new tv and mount it on my wall. I hate they idea of getting comfortable here BUT I'm currently work on accepting where I am is not bad and that I will get to where I want to be as long as I can continue on. Where I am isn't even bad, so

"To hit the jack pot, you might have to bank on where you are in the present" - Carrie Bradshaw

"Why do we let all the one thing we don't have effect how we feel about the things we do have?" - Carrie Bradshaw

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 9.29.24

Dear Diary,

As we head into the month of my birth, I feel as I always do. Dreading the future that lies ahead but trying to be excited for the new doors that may open up for me.

Sitting here writing right now, I am sleepy. I went to dinner with my parents since my dinner plans with my friends never seem to work out and I still wanted to go to dinner anyway. I was gonna go by myself I even tried to invite my brother but he said no. I initially invited only my mom and then she asked me if I wanted to invite my dad, and I didn't as usual but I did anyway. I drove there, which irritated me but at least he paid. It was kind of irritating to me that whenever we go out with my mom he orders the most expensive shit, like, when I do it, thats me being normal. When he does it, it just feels mad greedy and leechy. But he did end up paying, which I didn't think he would and then he ended up driving home too so that was cool.

I am kinda sad about how my 2024 has been going; in the sense that I didn't do more. I want to do a lot of things, but I am just learning / realizing that I need to do more of the planning. I should drop in the chat when Im doing something and if they want to tag along, they'd have to let me know by a certain date and then just go do that shit alone. I am tired of waiting for the world to be ready for me. I need to start doing the shit I say.

I feel like I say that every couple of months but as I step into the 24th chapter of my life, I mean that shit. I really don't care who feels left behind IF and only if I make the conscious effort to have them come along.

All I want to do is live my life and I promise, cross my heart TONIGHT, I promise to live on clock that will inevitably stop ticking. I refuse to be like my mother and sit around dying, waiting, for something to happen. I gotta make shit happen. Enough is enough.

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 09152024

Dear Diary,

I am so grateful to have the partner that I have. I didn't realize he was all I asked for until we had the conversation we had on friday night. I remember writing so much about wanting to be with someone who would not hold me back from being the person I wanted to be, and that is exactly what I got, I just was being too much of a brat to see it before. I remember begging the universe to be seen, and heard and received and also to bring someone into my life that would not dim my shine, but encourage me to enhance it. And that is exactly what I got.

So, Friday after getting a lot more drunk than I intended we started talking about how we feel, not only about each other but our selves and he basically told me that I have the room and the space to be me and do exactly what I want; exactly what I needed to hear, exactly what i wanted. It was also a very necessary reminder because I become so deeply invested into my partner that I forget about the things I want to accomplish on my own. And he asked me if there were things I felt like I stopped doing because of him, and I was like yes of course there are so many pieces of myself that I let go because Im with you; there a lot of self care things I wouldn't do because all of my time went to you, and I didn't mind giving it up. But all those things that I did give up, I need. I need it in order to be myself, I need it in order to continue to show up for us.

I still have my work out routine / goal that I would like to continue to pursue. I still want to be out of this house by.. it's looking like I got 2 more years of this, but I would to travel more and hang out with my friends more like I used to. I want to do the dinner plans, the solo dates / trips. I need to continue to do those things for myself and continue to remind myself that he is not my life, just the person I want to share it with. But how can I do that if I have nothing to share. Either way the conversation that we had was honestly really good and I am just super grateful to be with him. I am so grateful that the stars aligned for us.

I don't know if I wrote about this the last time I journaled but I wrote my family a really long message (that no one responded to) and I think I'm going to have to up the ante, which sucks because I hate being the family manager. But clearly my familial concerns have not been taken into consideration. I'll just put it like this, there is too much happening in this house outside of human beings. (rats, fruit flies, regular flies, etc.) I have been begging my family to fix this clutter our for us to get together to get this shit together because why are the mice eating up food they don't buy and overall just having a fucking party at night when we got to bed. I do not like that, I do not like seeing them, I do not like living in a fucking pig pen. Im tired of my family not giving a fuck and being so complacent. People are not supposed to live like this, and I would love to live in a mice free, roach free home and I don't feel like thats a hard thing to ask for, but we MUST get rid of their hiding spaces before we can truly eradicate them from out fucking house or they will always be here.

Moving on, my job is starting to get more intense, and I am really trying to avoid gaining bad rapport with one of my AEs. I just - every day I am doing something new, which is what I wanted but I also think I think to much, I think too hard. It starts to fuck me up. I need to update my notes and be more confident in the things that I do. Until then, I should be fine. I just need to stop actually being so fucking lazy.

To wrap up, I kinda just need to remember who the priority is. (it's me btw, if you wanted to know). I feel like I've been saying this for the longest time "I need to get back to myself" but instead of saying this and this and that, I should just fucking do it. I need to become a doer. I shouldn't let the small things that bother me, bother me. I need to remember who I am and what I am capable of, and I'm very capable of getting everything I want. I need to remember my purpose, which is to love, and I need to remember that the first person I need to practice my purpose with is me.

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 9.19.24

Dear Diary,

It's been a good little minute. I will admit I have been through trials and tribulations all of August but I am truly trying to not let it deter me from the things I want from this life. I have no idea what my life will look like in the next 6 months let alone the next 6 months. I'm not going to lie I have been super angry this month. Like fucking pissed the fuck off, as I am typing I can still feel the anger on my heart. But I have plans to fix this. Since I am unable to move out and live on my own, I've decided I will shake the fucking table, not even a subtle rattle actually.

I have been having a hard time with work life balance and somewhere along the way gained 8 whole pounds... LMAO but thats okay I guess my clothes still fit. Work has been kicking my ass and I swear I almost had a fucking breakdown, like I am actually happy I still have my job right now LOL. NO money/business gone, so I guess Im alright. I am just having a hard time managing my emotions, my health, my jealousy, it been tough. I've never really experienced jealousy like this before.. but i think its more so who im jealous of. I just think that I will get what I need when I need it. I am unsure of why I can't have it right now or why I don't need it right now but either way.. it's just not my time clearly.

The time just goes by so fast. I recently realized that I should stop reducing my life to just a weekend and start doing shit after work, but I be so fucking tired Diary!! So tired. I look forward to bed rotting, I do. But I would love to just live instead dedicate 25 years of my life to screen time (socials - not including TV shows/movies) I wish that hobbies and going out wasn't so expensive..

Speaking of expenses I want to take a solo trip to Boston. The weekend I was aiming for is a holiday weekend and I didn't realize it before but the prices were diabolical. Anyway, I'm planning for a different weekend instead of the last week of august (LABOR DAY WEEKEND)

I am going to try to plan out some things I'd like to do for the rest of the year and then try to book some trips for next year. I am really hoping next year can be all the things I wanted this year to be. I just truly put no thought into this year outside of looking for a job, and then I got it and I was like DAMN wasn't expecting that so soon LOL.

I need to start romanticizing my life again. I was looking over memories of last year and though I had my moments, I truly was the happiest I'd ever been and even though I have everything, I am still mildly miserable. Okay I am lying, it's not mild. I am very miserable actually. But I am not a miserable person. I am loving, and kind, and soft hearted, but I have not been acting like it and have begun to lose myself in my misery, especially my home life.

Apart of me wants to go back to being wild and reckless, though reckless I still had a wonderful time and learned a lot. I don't need the recklessness to learn.

So here are some things I need to do in the next 6 months:

Lost 10-15 pounds

Find a doctor

Find a dentist

Book Solo trip to Boston

Plan my little birthday dinner

Have fall events lined up

Choose 5 places to go next year and start planning that

Trying to figure out what masters degree I want / where I want to go for school

Start to visualize anniversary gifts

[theluxuriansecret]

DiaryEntry 7.31.24

Dear diary,

It's been a while since I've written but since August starts tomorrow, I want to make an honest effort at putting myself first again. It has been so nice being in a relationship, this week I've realized I started to lose myself, my dreams, my goals and aspirations, except, I don't know what they are right now.. It's hard.

My relationship has been wonderful, I am with a person who sees me, understands me, offers me grace, and grows along with me. I want to say that I never believed that a love like this exists, but I think I did because that love has always been inside of me. I feel like the love has begun to make me glow. We hit six months on Friday, and I am so grateful that up until this point we continue to choose each other every day, and it is the easiest choice I've ever had to make. I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him. I love loving him and I love the way he loves me. I trust and adore him and he motivates me to want to do big things with my life, a kind of general statement, but I believe the more I start to live, the more I begin to invest in myself, things will fall into place, just as they have, at least thats something I really believe.

Unfortunately, I have been really jealous of the fact that he once again gets to live on his own, and do his own thing. I love that he gets to have his own space, and I am very grateful that he has opened up his space to me, but.. I wish I could experience living on my own as well. I want to have the space to make my own meals, and sleep peacefully knowing there is no one who will call me in the middle of the night or be scared that my parents are quietly arguing. I don't want to see stuff shoved into crevices and corners of the house, and be able to move through an area that isn't just my room? Is that too much to ask for?... In this economy, yeah.. it is... :/

Moving onto something less touching, my mother has started to feel over bearing. I feel like she is always on me, and it is simply becoming too much. I feel like I've really tried to be a family person, I've tried to be a good sister, a GREAT daughter, but I am truly over it. I think space from my family would/will do me good, something about distance making the heart grow founder... I went to spend ONE night with my boyfriend at his new appointment and she calls me like "You really left me here with these people" and I was truly at a loss for words because what do you mean? She sits in the living room with my dad and my grandma every single night, while I'm up in my room. SO why would me being out of the house be such a problem? Is it because Im not at your every beck and call? Is it a crime to not want to hear my name being screamed every hour? I just don't understand and I fear that she will begin to be more overbearing the more I begin to pull away. I want to live my life, I want to live for myself..

Speaking of trying to be the GREAT daughter I began to attempt to declutter our house, but it has been super hard. I attempted to clean our dining room, and I had made really great progress, and then here comes my grandma touching shit she doesn't need to be fucking touching. It irritates me to the max, and apart of me began to hate her. I don't want to hate her, I don't want to have hate in my heart for anyone, but as I was cleaning I began to realize that all the stuff I was finding was all the stuff that that she had smuggled to our house and hidden. Our house has such a potential to be beautiful and inviting, and have guests, but we can't even truly house the people that live here. I always have an active force working against me, and the active force is constantly being enabled, by my mother. No one ever even offers to fucking help me, and it is really hard work. Has everyone in the house just given up on their home? Each other? Themselves? It's sad because I haven't, and that's why I want to leave so badly.

To end on a positive note, I saw my cousins who I was really close with and I feel like a big part of me was healed, I knew I missed them, but actually seeing them made me realize how much I truly did miss them.. being around my bf's family is so nice, but I wish I got to experience even half of what he's experienced in regards to his family.. I never had the sleep over with the cousins, or the chance to really grow up with them, but watching their bonds and connections, it really broke my heart. I'll never be able to experience that.

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 06292024

Dear Diary,

I am physically not feeling well. I think my body is fighting off something and today I have just felt really exhausted. I did try to get up and work out but honestly, it was the most lazy work out ever. I then ate and fell asleep watching young sheldon. I have so many feelings in my head right now, but this week while my boyfriend is on vacation, I am going to use it to my advantage to start incorporating the habits I really want to implement on my day to day. It sucks because I am already flopping, but lets dive in in shall we?

So.. lets start with my boyfriend being away on vacation. I am honestly glad we get to spend some time physically apart because we have been spending back to back weekends with each other and I feel like I now have time to finally miss him, and guess what? I fucking miss him. He is such a wonderful man and we have such an amazing connection, I am very grateful to have him in my life. A part of me is jealous he is on vacation, but thats just because my sag rising ass loves to be on a plane and be out and about, but there will be more vacations to come for me. He made time to talk to me on the phone and he was telling me how his family was asking why I didn't go and why I wasn't there and, from someone who doesn't come from a big family, I will say it is nice to start to become apart of a family who wants you around. I've truly never had that before and I feel really grateful that I get the opportunity to have that. I mean, my ex did have me included in his family, but this feels different for me. Maybe because I don't feel uncomfortable, or stared at because I'm black. Maybe it's because I am very certain about us and where we are headed. I don't know for sure, but being around his big ass family and listening to them talk about their memories makes me soo so so emotional because I just do not have that. I do not have those types of memories, or the big family, so in a sense, it really is nice.

Moving on - I have decided I am taking a break from interacting with a certain friend. I just feel like she's really mean, and her "jokes" have just been becoming too much for me to handle. I went out to dinner with our mutual friend and I confided in her about my feelings and how I didn't know how to move forward in that connection. She told me about how when she distanced herself away from "us" it was really from her, because she doesn't truly feel supported, she feels judged. And things started to make sense. I felt horrible, horrible that she didn't feel comfortable in our space as a trio, but it felt very validating that I wasn't alone in wanting to take a step back from her. I feel like I should just hit her up and tell her "hey, honestly these last couple of interactions have hurt my feelings" She just isn't receptive when she isn't the one who's the victim so right now I just need a break.

My grandma has been getting under my skin like never before. She really irritated the fuck out of me this week and bro i don't know. I think she is starting to get the hint though that I do not want her in my space. I wish she would just relax and let us take care of her and stop doing the absolute most all the damn time because I am overrrrr it. But trust I am trying to be nice, be softer.

I genuinely feel myself becoming more angry. I hate it here.

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 6.18.2024

Dear Diary,

I haven't felt this consistently anxious in a really long time. It is really starting to get to me. I had my phone on DND all day and cried when I got home. I know that the answers lay within me, I just have to dig them out. I hate that I don't take the time to write (or type) as much as I used to, and I need to start getting back to my routine. I swear I say that every week and yet there is something about life that does not help me stick to it. I understand that life throws you curve balls sometimes, but I feel like.. why cant I dodge any of them? Why must I fall off every single time? I am starting to grow frustrated with myself because I feel as though there are too many outside factors starting to effect me. I try to let the emotions flow through me, but then it becomes everything at once and I can't handle it.

To begin, my moms misery is truly starting to rub off on me I feel. On Sunday, it was fathers day, my grandma didn't feel too well so we all went to dinner as 4, it has been a really long time since we did that. For the most part, I think dinner went really well. We were all laughing, making jokes, even my brother was participating. Until my mom brought up the fact that she's the one thats been cleaning out the fridge, they got a little loud about it, but my dad ultimately thanked her for cleaning out the fridge on his day. It was true, my dad was not holding up his end of the chores so naturally it fell onto my mom. I can completely understand her frustrations, but sometimes I wish she could put her misery aside for the rest of her family. That seems like such a selfish thing to wish for, but for a moment it felt like we were normal again, until she made it incredibly clear that we weren't. The food was really good though.

Moving on, but similar topic, my mother and I have really been butting heads. I just feel like some space would be really nice. I wish I had my own space, I wish I could just have the people I wanted over with out a three day notice. I wish that I didn't have to tell her every detail of every part of my plans. I appreciate her being such an incredible parent, I appreciate the fact that she is very attentive in my life and knows my friends names, and what they mean to me etc, but sometimes it just becomes too much. DO NOT get me wrong, I love that both of my parents are alive and I am grateful, but I cannot help but think about how I am trapped in these four wells, shrinking. In this house I feel small and helpless.

One of my friendships I truly feel is on the fence. Yesterday, my 4 friends and I went to dinner and one of them (one that I share a tattoo with) made a face at our other friend (who we also share the tattoo with) because I laughed a little loud. I have a really loud laugh, it's true, and it may have been right in her ear, but not on purpose. But I just felt like making fun of me right in front of me was truly rude, and I feel like this is the same thing I've dealt with in the past. I feel like she likes me, but she also doesn't like me. I think she enjoys my company, but also just doesn't like me. I don't know what that means. She has made sly comments, and faces and other uncomfortable remarks before, but I always decided to let it slide because they were moments where I wanted to just keep the peace and enjoy my night, but right now I do not feel peace, I feel very far from it actually, and I hate that. I've decided I am not going to be as present in her life as I want right now, not a full removal, but a full step back. I've done way too much for that girl or her to treat me as she does, it's just not right.

Lastly - I love my boyfriend, things are gong well on paper, but something feels off. I asked him if we were in good standing and he said yes, he also emphasized how our relationship was good in a situation that happened in his own life. I can't help but wonder why he hasn't told me he loves me without me saying it first in a week. I don't want to assume anything, or put anything negative out there. but I swear it started a week ago. And i know he has been going through things on his own so I try to give not only myself grace, but him as well. I also try to remind myself that no matter happens outside of me, it is not a reflection of me. I have enjoyed the experience thus far, and just like anything else in this life, it is an experience. I am grateful to experience all that I have in the years I have spent on this earth, and I will continue to the years count on.

no tags today, xoxo

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 5.28.2024

Dear Diary,

Life has been lifing hard as a motherfucker, not even completely in a bad way. Just lifing.

To start, I met my boyfriends family for the first time this weekend and it was a wonderful experience. I don't really spend time with family outside of my immediate family, so to witness his family and their dynamics them talking about their memories with each other was honestly really lovely to see. I also felt a little sad because I don't have any experiences like that and the only cousin I was ever close to got ripped away from my by family drama. Either way, I still had a really good time and his family was really funny and I really enjoyed being in their company.

Speaking on boyfriends, I (we) are still having some physical intimacy issues. It is worrying me that every time we have sex, we are drinking and we are not sober. TRUST the sex is consensual I just feel like afterwards I can't really remember the experience and I want to. I also think because of all the experiences with sex I never let myself be too into the moment, and would basically disassociate and forget about the next day. Avenel really changed me. I want to be able to remember all of it. The foreplay, to the actual sex. I just don't and it makes me sad. Overall the last time we had sex this weekend, it was probably our best ngl. I didn't finish, but thats okay. I realized I get really tense and I need to learn how to relax and be there. I won't solely blame avenel for my disassociating during sex though; my ex is 90% to blame as well. All the sex I had when I didn't want to. It sucks that these experiences can really find itself in new ones too, I hate it but it's a work in progress.

Work... UGH. Work is really about to start picking up and I am honestly kind of nervous. I know I got this and I know I am capable. I hate that I am dreading showing up for a job I wanted so bad. But I really am going to try this week to tap back into myself because I feel like I just need to be that bad bitch I was (I still am, but there is ALWAYS room for improvement)

Nowadays I find myself doom scrolling and letting the hours pass by. I do want to work more on living my life and just reading in my down time instead of being so quick to whip out social media. I definitely want to also get back into hobbies. I spend so much time on the phone with my bf (which I don't mind, I love him) but I do need to start doing other things that make me happy because I do not want to solely rely on him for my happiness, and I feel like not doing things outside of work and seeing your partner, it's an easy way to fall into the trap of codependence.

This week I plan on showing up for myself, so that not only am I a better person for myself, my partner, my friends, my family, and just being better over all.

Goodnight xoxo

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 05.13.2023

Dear Diary,

I truly cannot believe growth is a never ending thing. It is incredibly overwhelming sometimes, and I so badly wish that I can disappear and start over, but I know that the discomfort that i am feeling will not go away from disappearing and starting over. The things that I CAN do are right in front of me, I have every resource I need in order to change my life and make it what I want it to be. I got the job that I wanted and i finished school. Those were the things I worked for, and now I need to put all of that into other goals.

Seeing people work towards their goals makes me really happy, I struggle because, unfortunately money is not a motivator for me. I think also, not putting as much effort into myself makes me not want to put effort into really anything, when you work on yourself on the inside, things begin to bloom on the outside, therefore I really need to start believing in myself and my capabilities.

There is nothing I cannot do. There is nothing I cannot survive. There is nothing I cannot accomplish, as long as I keep working pushing myself to be better physically and mentally; I will be okay. I am okay now!

I think my relationship is getting to me and I've over invested emotionally too quickly. I do love him, I do want a future with him. We've been together for three months and we're talking about moving in with each other. I don't know how realistic it is, but I do know that he is a person I care very deeply for, there are also some things that are weighing heavy on my heart about him. 1. The fact that he does not have his ex blocked like I though he did, and I don't know if he told me that or if I made that up in my head. 2. That I saw on his phone that he is associated with a pretty popular content creator on TikTok, and when I made references to that content creator, he didn't even suggest that he knew of her content.. Associated as in that content creator feels comfortable enough to call him and then text him about him not answering the phone. I just think that is super interesting. He doesn't use tiktok, but he know's who she is!! They talk and have each other's phone numbers.

I don't know if it's because I have an anxious attachment style or if this is my intuition. I did have a dream about him talking to another woman, but I truly think it'd just the fact that I am anxious. I feel a deep need to withdraw myself and go back to what I want to know, which is me. Constantly growing and changing; the constant evolution of me.

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 04292024

Dear Diary,

I have a friend who has been struggling a lot with life, and I find that I am one of the only people that she can confide in and we're talking about her life and her bad experiences with her ex boyfriends. And I was expressing to her that I had the same experiences, they really were all just kept to myself because I found it to be embarrassing, and didn't want any of those experiences to known. This conversation lead to our bad experiences with sex. I knew I had sexual trauma, but I didn't know the extent of my sexual trauma until I started really speaking about it. Outside of being sexually molested by one of my family members, I have sexual trauma from my ex. How often he wanted to have sex was obscene, and I can recall many times where I did not want to have sex with him, but did it anyway because then I would get the typical "You don't love me" coercion. So, I basically began to dissociate myself from the experience as it would happen.

That and tying my casual hookups, and dissociating myself from having sex along with my intimacy issues has truly done damage I didn't truly realize I had. Having sex with my boyfriend is truly not what I want it to be and it's because I'm not there. I tap out and go somewhere else but I don't even realize it until its over. I didn't even realize it until now. My eyes are always closed, I can never have the fun flashbacks because I can't remember any of it.

It sucks. Having these incredibly intimate interactions with my boyfriend and not being able to truly be present in them, or remember them sucks. I don't know if this is something I should tell him, or something I need to fix within myself. Also, I have been drunk during these instances as well, which I feel like also ties into it. I am always so ready to fuck when I'm drunk. Being drunk makes enhances my confidence and my feeling toward myself, makes me even MORE flirty than I already am and I though drunk sex with someone I love and care about and trust would be fun! But, it's not because I am not there during any of it. I want the experience to be good for both of us. And it just hasn't been that for me. I really feel like the one time I was truly present during sex was when we hooked up casually before we got together, which sucks even more. Our bond, our relationship, has grown soooo much compared to when I first met him (duh), so you think the sex would be better but it's not.

I really want to get down to this issue because I want to have good, PRESENT sex with the person I love and want to share life with.

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 04232024

Dear Diary

I am filled with intense emotions that I can only reduce down to anxiety at this time. It is a very uncomfortable feeling that grows with intensity each day.

Yesterday, I finally had the talk with my dad and shared my feelings towards him / about him, with him. Maybe it's his cadence, maybe it's the way he talks, maybe it was the lack of eye contact. He definitely heard me, but I don't know how much he understood. He is trying to be a more active person in my life and I definitely asked like why after all this time. Why now? He said he realized that through his depression and not being able to support his family the way a "man should" really took a toll on him. But does he realize that there are areas you can make up in when you are lacking? That his emotional absence had an actual effect on his family? He says he does and he is trying to do better now, but actions truly speak louder than words. So as long as he puts in effort I will too. I hate to make our relationship sound so transactional, but I refuse to give a lot of my self to ANYBODY who doesn't deserve it.

I am feeling anxious in my relationship as well. I noticed that every time we see each other, I feel like once he goes home he won't love me anymore, which is completely crazy. In a weird way I feel like as he heals, I regress, which is so insane? Because I also know that is simply not true. His progress is absolutley larger than mine BUT he is facing so many of the trials and tribulations I went through last year. Small steps are still steps. I guess also, I still feel like I may say things that are too outlandish and will scare him off. But I think that it is worth the risk if that means being with someone who truly loves me for me.

TBH I have been lacking in confidence lately. I have been doubting myself and questioning my worth, and I hate that for me. It is uncharacteristic of me at this point in life, and yes some of those feelings can always emerge and then go away by rebuilding (or continuing to build, however you decide to look at it). I really need graduation to come and go, that really is my biggest issue. I need to take these pictures, and I need to walk that stage, so undergrad stressers are no longer plaguing my life. Also my cavity is really bothering me and I really need to find a primary care physician.

That is all.

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 04212024

8:15 pm

Dear diary,

I can't believe that we are already so close to may. I have yet to take my graduation photos and I have yet to ask my bf if he is still going ot take them. I don't know why I am so afraid to ask. I think it comes from my fear of being a burden and not wanting to add more to his plate, which is already soooo soo full. I do know that I do need this pictures taken though, and now my mom wants me to take pictures with my brother and I have other ideas for my pictures as well; I just can't even begin to describe how badly I do not want to take these pictures. I am so uninterested and truly have no desire to do any of that, I DONT EVEN WANT TO ATTEND graduation. It's sad how something seen as an accomplishment I do not want to celebrate or commemorate in any capacity. It's a shame. But I feel like my college experience was so far from schooling itself, and also the fact that I really didn't even spend that much time there. I am so self removed from school, so it's just like blehhh you know?

Moving on, I spent this weekend with my boyfriend and it was lovely. It was almost like we were living the life we could have, just living in what it could be for a second and it was lovely. We spent the weekend at my grandmas house, we painted together and did face masks. We just lived together, and it was really beautiful. I showed him around my grandma's neighborhood and the places I used to go to when I was little. We sat on her stoop and just talked, and it was really nice. I loved it. I love how I can just be a human being with him. I shared my music with him, the music I genuinely like and listen to, we watched Tuca and Bertie, which is one of my favorite shows. I've watched it a million times, and he laughed to it. HE laughed to it, because he has the same humor as me. I love that I get to share things with him and he doesn't diminish them, even if they aren't things.

(continued 04222024)

I got interrupted by a phone call last night, but honestly it was a really good conversation and I feel like I am really helping a friend grow. She helps me grow too, we help each other.

I have decided today I am going to bite the bullet and have the chat with my dad tonight. I cannot stand to wait any longer and the changes that I want to make are going to happen TODAY, because I am tired of living a life I do not fully love and enjoy.

xoxo - lux

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 04152024

9:19 pm

Dear Diary,

I feel so fat, ugly, sick and disgusting. I am back to 160lbs and I am disappointed in myself. I have so much time to work out, and yet I doom scroll. I am stuck and stagnant but I know I can be doing so much better. I did the one thing I didn't want to do, I let the happiness get to me. Tomorrow I have no excuses. My job is no longer exhausting me and this is the last week where I get to kinda glide through and not have any of my own assignments. So, I have to find a way to get myself into it this week. I think the worst part is that I haven't partaken in any of my hobbies. I kinda find myself in that weird stage of again, scrolling my life away. I feel really anxious about it because there are things I really want to do and I am letting the days fleet into oblivion. I want more for myself so I will be doing more.

I have many mixed feelings, I hate that I can't put my phone down. I hate how I feel about my friends. My relationship with my dad has shifted and its strange, I hate living at home, but I couldn't move out even if I wanted to, I want to make future plans with my boyfriend, I feel fat, I hate how fucking horny I am all the time. I want more for myself. I told myself this would be the week I start my routine and yet I am still doing the last minute bullshit I've been doing, and I fucking hate it.

I do not have plans for graduation pictures yet, I don't even have a dress!!! Truly that's one of the biggest routes of my stress because I don't want anyone else to take my photos, but I also need him to be honest about if he can even take mine. I NEED to be the one to bring it up too because obviously my pictures are not a priority, and they shouldn't be. But it's the fact that I am so fucking over undergrad and it keeps rearing its disgusting head back into my life. I worked my ass off to get away from it and here it is, still in the way. I am going to have to take off work to graduate college, like how stupid is that.

ALSO.. I feel also a little bothered by the fact that my boyfriend hung up the phone with me to take a video of the sunset and then didn't call me back like.. why haven't you called me back? I know I am over thinking but when I am stressed about one thing, I stress about 20 other things and become overwhelmed. It's truly one of my fatal character flaws.

Today, I also ate like shit. I haven't eaten like shit in a long ass time. Not only did I eat like shit, I also just ate a lot. Like started the day off with egg salad, then I attempted to eat this spicy ramen that was way too fucking spicy, which made me drink milk. I added yellow rice to try to mellow out the spiciness of my ramen but that really didn't help, so I gave up on it. For dinner, I ate more yellow rice and three fried chicken wings, two drums and a flat. Finished off with an ice cream sandwich. BTW I have a cavity that has been bothering me for weeks. But my fucking dentist went and moved and the office was rebranded, still a dentist, just not the one who takes my insurance.

Why are services only open during working hours requiring you to take off so that you can use them. Why should I have to lose money so that I can spend money to have services I need done. Also, I still haven't found a PCP (primary care provider). I hate this adulting thing a lot. I am scared that I am not going to be a good adult because there are already so many things I do not do on my own or lack.

I try to convince myself I'll be fine, but then I remember I plan on sharing my life with someone who is so competent and capable of living on their own, they got the CHANCE to live on their own, will I ever? It doesn't seem likely.

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 04082024

11:40 pm

Dear Diary,

It may seem weird but I am in a stagnant state again, I have begun to find myself in one place and not sure which direction I want to head into. It is weird place to be because I am happy and also very content with my life, but I also didn't plan on ACTUALLY achieving all the things I have achieved and getting the things I want so quickly. Now I feel like I have to plan to cooperate with plans I wanted but di not think I would have.

It is truly insane, my relationship is going so well. We saw each other this past weekend and for the most part it went well. I took him to my grandma's hoarder house and we stayed there and in a weird way I feel like I showed him a piece of myself I was not ready to let him see. I let him see my real life, my real world, my real reality with no thoughts other than me wanting to spend time with him. It's so weird how a perfectionist can jump into something like that. BUT TRUST, all those perfectionist-isms caught right the fuck up to me and I started freaking out. But he didn't judge me in anyway, at least not to my face, I didn't ask what he thought either, so I guess a win is a win? He also met my parents, and they like him, but I knew they would.

Okay so to be honest, and I have to be honest, this is my Diary..duhhh umm, how do I say that our sex is kinda not what i expected at all. LOL. I thought this man would be like all over me, but maybe it's because he doesn't actively objectify me? I don't know. I fel tlike after not seeing each other for as long as it's been it would be really good, but he came quickly, which I guess also comes with not having sex for a while. I just have gone from a really sexual person, to having sex once a month, which I guess I was doing before, but I actually have a genuine connection to this person and I feel true, genuine love towards him. He felt really insecure about it as any man would, but I didn't even get to finish, which I think sucked the fucking most tbh. I don't know, I don't expect him to be a p*rn s*ar but I guess there is just a certain type of sex that I am used to? I think it's best to just talk about it with him but I never really know how to bring sex up without coming off as a horny bastard. I don't want to come off as objectifying him either, even though I do, just not towards him. It's not like I don't see him as a person though, I'm just incredibly lustful. and maybe thats my issue.

Regardless, I need to get sex out of my mind even though it is something I think about fucking constantly, I don't know if it's a real issue yet, I just know that it's everyday, a lot of the time it is what I am thinking about. I may ask my ex therapist about it, because I feel like it is damaging my fucking braincells.

I also need to figure out what the fuck I am going to do with my life besides work. I work 5 days a week now, which has absolutley been an adjustment, but I also need to get back to my hobbies to take up the time and maybe my brain and my goals will become clearer to me. I want to save!!! I want to start saving so I can move out of this house because I so desperately wish to be on my own. I want to lose those 10 pounds, I'm back up to 159 lbs which is like fine, I look fine but I still desire to be lower, I think 150 is the goal now? 155 I lowkey looked ill, BUT if I tone up more, than I should be okay. I want to start cooking for real this time, I want to do it on Monday when I wfh because I'll have the time and then I can have lunch for Tuesday or Wednesday but eating the same thing in a row is kinda crazy so we'll see. Lastly, I really want to scrapbook, it has been such a heavy thing on my mind and it WILL be started this year. A new hobby outside of my phone, maybe I can make videos just for fun to work on some other type of skill that a million people already seem to have.

This year has really been my year, I finally graduate next month and I am BEYOND ready to put undergrad truly, truly behind me and never think about it ever tf again.

That's all I got for now, goodnightt!!!

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 04012024

Dear Diary,

I'm starting to feel like I'm abandoning myself, but I promise that is going to change. I think I said in my last post that I would write once a week because clearly writing once a day is genuinely too much of an obligation, but I still want to find a way to express my feelings. SO here I go:

To begin, I have completed my first week of work at my first big girl, corporate job. It is starting to pick up and I am really excited about it. Honestly, it sucks that there are a lot of exterior things to my work that are kind of numbing or getting in the way of my excitement, but I can acknowledge the positive feeling nonetheless. I only commute three days a week, and it going to take some time to get used to. It's exhausting as of right now, but am proud of myself for making the effort, getting up everyday, figuring my route out and getting on with it and I'm excited to see what this week will challenge me with. (Which I feel like one will be the weather because it's supposed to rain all three of my commute days RIP)

I have been having some incredibly tough to face feelings about the people around me, my family, my friends, my relationship. It honestly has felt very isolating, but it is something I will start trying to work through this week but I want to dive into some of those things.

The first, my friend. To be honest, I feel like distancing myself from her. I do not like how she speaks to me, and sometimes I feel like I try to ignore my feelings for the sake of keeping the peace, but what happens when I know longer feel the peace I keep trying to uphold? I feel like, our friendship truly only continues to perceiver is because I am the friend that wants to do the things she wants to do, but I truly do not think I am the one she really wants there. Could I be reaching? Maybe? Is it a possibility? I still think so. I have had these feelings harboring inside me for quite sometime, and I feel the need to really make sure my feelings are what they are before I try to talk to her about.

Next up we have my family. Fuck. I once said something about like "why is family so complicated?" and now I almost understand. I have a small family, and I have been around people who have these huge families, and stay connected with them. And then I think about my family dynamic. It's just my mom + dad, brother + grandma and I. And it's really hard to fucking deal with? Because on one end, I feel like they are all difficult to deal with in their own way. But then I just figured out they're all i fucking have. They are all I have. And I need to give my relationships with them a real try. [TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL CONTENT] I don't know if I ever journaled about one of my family members m*lesting me and my parents basically blaming me for it. I don't know if I ever truly forgave them or if I just let it go because I live under their roof. I don't know what that kind of forgiveness looks like, and I don't even know where it begins. [Triggering Content Ends] Which also brings up my weird feelings for my dad. I feel like ever since I've joined the "real world" he sees me. He wants to talk to me more, he is more invested in "what I am up to" its weird. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Did you not see me before? Did anything I did prior to having a job matter? Is me having a job the only way you feel like you can relate to me? I have questions, many, but I don't know if I can really stomach the answers. And my mother, I feel myself losing respect for her everyday, which is so weird because I have worked so hard to be able to call her my best friend and bestow that title onto her. But.. he continuing her affair even though my father is aware of it makes me sick. It makes me wonder how he feels, but who am I to go up to my dad and say "How does mom's affair make you feel?" I think ultimately it's none of my business, but also she involves me and I know way more than I should so...

Lastly, my relationship. *sigh* I do not know where to begin. I have also been harboring emotions about this too, which sucks because on paper its going really well. To begin, we hit the two month mark tomorrow, which he has acknowledged. But also, I think he has too much on his plate, and I'm really the last thing that should be on it. Maybe that sound crazy, but also.. I think he jumped into things with me too quickly. He got out of his last relationship in July and we made things official in February, I don't know how much growth a person needs outside of a relationship to really start working on themselves, but I do know that I feel neglected in our relationship. One of the things we used to talk about as friends was healing and growing closer to ourselves, which I truly spent all of last year doing. Did I mess with a boy here and there, yes, but I also didn't let it completely consumer me (well...) and I knew that I was ready to be un anything serious. Now almost two years of being single, I told myself I would not deny myself the opportunity to be truly and genuinely loved. I wanted to be heard, I wanted to be seen, I wanted to be respected, and he does all of those things. BUT, I feel as though I have truly been put on the back burner. I think that I definitely was someone he wanted to build with and grow with, but I think he got to me so that no one else got to me. And now that he has me, he is doing everything he can do now NOW to better himself, and I hate that for me. I try to be patient and understand. I try to be helpful and compassionate, but I have needs too and they're not being met. I want to spend physical time with my person, but all my person keeps thinking about is getting money (typical Capricorn). I want to find a good way to bring this up without attacking him, because he is already going through so much emotionally already. But I want a relationship, a partner, I do not want a pen pal. I did not sign up for that.

So we will see where we go from there. I think this week is going to be really emotional. Mercury in retrograde, we're in Aries which is the astrological new beginning. A lot of things are shifting all at one and everyone is really feeling it. I am deeply feeling it, and my period is coming. So.. good luck to me this mercury retrograde and eclipse season. It's about to get real intense.

No SOTD, sorry :(

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 03242024

11:39 pm

The night before I start the job I've been banking on, dreaming of, manifesting and I am so nervous but also very excited. I honestly have so many feelings stored away inside of me and I am having trouble finding ways to release them / manage them.

To begin, I know that we have entered eclipse season and tomorrow will be a full moon. There are a lot of emotions brewing in me like self doubt, will I be good enough for this job? Will my new coworkers like me? Am I okay with accepting rejection / failure? i honestly don't believe I'll ever be put in a situation I couldn't handle.

Which I guess brings me to my relationship. I have been devastated with the distance between us and how we don't get to spend actual quality time together as I was like. When I was manifesting the guy of my dreams, I always said I wanted him farrrrrrr away so that he would leave me alone. I guess I should've specified how far. 4 hours isn't that far, but it's far enough where we cannot see each other on a frequent basis. Today marks a month since I've seen him and honestly, I don't like it getting to be that long. I was starting to think if had accidentally repeated a cycle. But this man is NOTHING like my last LDR ex, honestly, the only thing similar is that he is fucking far. I miss him. I miss breathing the same air as him and I miss touching him, kissing him, holding him, looking into his beautiful brow eyes, the way he smells. I hate that I am in this again, but I'm truly hoping that we build our future together and come together soon.

I have been having very weird emotions about my parents lately. For starts, for MONTHS I have been wanting to have a conversation with him and really pick his brain about why he is who he is and does the things he does, or lack thereof. But today he came into my room in the span of 10 min to hug me and tell me he was proud of me and that he is there for me for anything. I was truly at a loss because where is that coming from? Why now? I'm basically finished growing up, all the hard times I really needed you, all those very moldable and vulnerable times are gone. Not to say I'm finished growing that will truly never end, but I am an adult now.. So, one of these days I'll plan something for us, but right now I am just focusing on myself.

My mother on the other hand, we got into not long ago and although we were able to "work through it" and move forward, I feel like because she won't be able to rely on me like she used to, she is really about to take a hit. But also, I was really getting tired of her relying on me for everything, alllll the time. Especially when there are two other capable adults in the house. I've had this conversation with her only once, but I really need her to get a grip and stop babying my brother. I understand that she is done with my dad and tired of begging him to do things he's proven he just won't do, which is whatever, but also not my problem and not my fault. Call me selfish but I did not build this family, and I truly don't intend to. Unfortunately, that is just not my purpose. I wish all of them luck to.

Anyway, only to lucky girl things. Only to love, luck, happiness, good health and prosperity. CHEERS xoxo

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 03072024

7:57 pm

I am watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on my period, of all times to watch right? But, it made me think about a lot of things. I miss thinking. I feel like so much of my days are spent wondering the internet. That IS what I do all day, and I hate it. I am sad. I feel like a loser.

Anyway, Im watching this movie and I am realizing that I am so grateful to remember. I am grateful to remember (most) of the experiences that I have ever had, and all the people too. Everything that has ever happened to me has made me, me. I am so grateful for that.

The other day I told my boyfriend that I am afraid to lose him. I didn't like how that made me feel. I'm glad I was honest with him and myself, but I hate how it feels. I am me, I am a person, I have goals and dreams and wishes. I don't want to feel that way. I don't know I feel like he's been acting weird. Or maybe it's just me. He doesn't call me princess anymore and he hasn't told me he loves me first in days. I think I'm over reacting. I hope if there is something wrong he has the courage to tell me.

Also, I wish that movies were just as thought provoking and creative as they used to me. I'm sick of remakes after remakes. I miss unique, heart felt stories. I hope that I'm one of the people to create that one day.