#i feel like im still waiting to bury the old body i had but the holes i dig keep getting filled with other people

[chewablepebbles]

I've literally been going to at least one funeral of someone close to me every year since 2016 this is unsustainable! Do I make friends so quickly because I fear they'll leave so soon? I have like five hundred pounds of stuff from people that died and I can't get rid of it because I can't get new stuff with them. I'm so tired of being used to grief. When do I get to grieve for myself!

[thegnomelord]

pls pls pls pls pls pls write something with hound getting a lil chubby during rehab pls i want to see him soft and comfy, being hand fed and cuddled. hound with a little tum from finally having not only enough to eat but enough rest to actually gain a little extra weight pls im in my knees characters getting a lil chub as a sign of healing my beloved

Okay here's a small brain fart for you:

You've gotten fat.

it's a rather egregious exaggeration, according to the two sergeants, but it's the first thing you think of when you look in the mirror. Your hard muscles still bulge beneath your skin when you flex, but now there's a layer of fat cushioning your frame — it smooths the planes of your abdomen, widens the circumference of your thighs and the breadth of your shoulders until you're popping the seams of your clothes, the layer of fat deepening the cleavage between your pecks whenever you cross your arms. Even your cheeks look chubbier than they had before.

You don't look like death warmed over, and you don't know how to feel about it. The psychologist says it's a good thing, your body finally figuring out it can slow down and focus on healing instead of constantly living on the edge of a knife.

But you just don't see it. It feels like you're regressing; Forgetting the harshness of the wild when you're collared and leashed by the fireplace, growing fat and lazy, complacent. A spoiled dog isn't loyal.

You let out a noise at the back of your throat when Johnny suddenly rushes into the small room you've been given, the door slamming open and closed. You don't have time to even say a single word before he's in front of you, "Hide me!" and then he's gripping your shit and pushing himself beneath it. Your frame is big enough to where you completely block him out, and his arms wrap as much as they can around your waist so he can cling to you.

You're rarely stunned to the point you don't know what to do, but this is one of those times.

A second later you hear a "MacTavish!" and loud footsteps rush down the hall, accompanied by loud swears and threats you can only assume are from Ghost.

Johnny waits still as a statue as the footsteps grow quiet, his breath washing over your skin from where his face is pressed against your chest. When they grow quiet he shuffles, a couple of seams popping in the already stretched out shirt until he pokes his head through the head hole of the shirt, resting his chin on the top of your sternum. "Thanks laddie, saved me skin there."

"Что блят?" Is the only thing your mind can force out, defaulting to Russian because you haven't been able to dig up your mother tongue from the grave the old you is buried in.

"Ah don't worry about it, the bloody dobber had it comin' with his bloody tea in chef Mike an' — Hmmm," His attention focuses on you, head disappearing beneath the shirt once again until only his stupid mohawk pokes out as his hands give an experimental squeeze at your sides, some of the fat getting trapped between his fingers. "Hey, have you gotten bigger? Ah could swear you weren't so fluffy before."

"That a nice way of calling me fat?" You feel the need to cross your arms, to hide the cushioning hiding your muscles. Ants gnaw on your skin where Soap touches you, his calloused palms sliding as far as they can and a strange sound rumbling in his chest when he registers that the space between both of his hands is indeed larger than it had been a couple of months ago.

"Nonsense!" He guffaws, "There's just more ta love." He hums, hands pinching the fat at your sides, evidently too content with your position as his human furnace to even think about detaching from you. "Oh yeah, you've filled out. Yae know hens love the dad bod, get some more hair on yer chest an' you'll be reeling the bucks in too."

"That-" You have to bite your lip when his hands suddenly shoot up to grope your pecks. He pushes them together and buries his face in the cleavage created. Your brain completely shuts off when he fucking motorboats you, shaking his head and making a sound right against your chest to the point you're sure you can feel the vibrations in your spine.

"MacT-avish!" The sound that escapes you is humorously high-pitched for someone of your size, your voice cracking as you feel your entire face grow hot.

He pokes his head back out like a whack-a-mole, a very pleased look on his face. "Yeeess?" He asks, sickly sweet. "Something the problem big man?"

"I-" You try, too many thoughts weighing down your tongue, "-You-" this time your voice cracks, "-why-" you hiccup, your lungs choosing this time to request air as you breathe in. You look in his eyes as best you can, but the way the sparkle makes it difficult for your body to stoke the flames of anger you've grown so used to feel. ". . . блят." You finally manage to say, your shoulders sagging.

He grins at you, his hands sliding down to pet the soft surface of your stomach, fingers pressing down to feel the hard muscle beneath the fat. "Aye, big bear of a fucker, you are." He grins and goes on his tippy toes, the shirt moving up with him before he lightly pecks your lips. "Yae look good like this."

"Yeah?" You grunt, trying not to show how the soft touch affects you but your ears feel like you'd dipped them into the pits of hell.

"Definitely." He's confident when his hands slides down to grope your ass, forcing another embarrassing sound from your chest. "Now how about we get some more food in yer belly? Make you the famous MacTavish pie."

[marvelfanfn2187a113]

My Job

Dean Winchester x little sister!reader

Requested by Anonymous

Synopsis: You storm out after an argument with Dean, but then you get into trouble. Will he get there in time to help?

Trigger Warning: attempted sexual assault (not graphic), drugging

“It’s not rocket science, kid, we’ve had these rules since you were born.”

“Yeah, but I thought-“

“What, because dad isn’t here right now, I’m just gonna let you do whatever you want?”

You huffed, “Would you let me speak?”

“No, you’ve said what you wanted, and the answer is still no.”

“It’s just a few hours!”

“And you know the rules. When we’re on a hunt, you don’t go out. At all. For any reason other than the motel is on fire.”

“It’s a stupid rule!”

“It’s a rule that means that you’re safe. While monsters are out there, you’re not, it’s not exactly unreasonable.”

“It’s just one time!” Dean’s efforts to bring the volume of the conversation down just made you want to yell louder. “It wouldn’t kill you to loosen up!”

“It might kill you!” Dean matched your volume. “Im just trying to protect you, and dad would say the same thing if he-“

“You’re not dad!” You couldn’t take it anymore. You brushed past Dean, shaking his hand off when he tried to grab your arm, and stormed out the motel door, slamming it behind you.

Who was he to say you couldn’t go out? Dean, who had to be the most reckless person you knew.

Well, maybe you’d have to show him that he should practice what he preached. You were going to do as he did, not as he said.

You buried your hand into your pocket, pulling out one of your fake IDs.

You were going to show him.

…

Not fifteen minutes later you’d slipped into a bar and used your fake ID to order a beer. The bartender gave you a strange look, unsure about the “22” printed on your ID, but he’d served you nonetheless.

You sat at the bar for several minutes, wanting to spite Dean but not really wanting to drink. He’d gotten you the fake ID “in case anything happened”, and you needed to pretend to be an adult. He certainly didn’t get it so you could drink underage, and you honestly had never wanted to. You’d seen what it did to John, and how it was starting to affect Dean. You didn’t want it to somehow turn into your coping mechanism like it had with them.

Suddenly your fight with Dean felt really stupid. Was the rule really so unfair? It was his job to keep you safe, after all, and it made you feel horrible knowing that he’d never asked for that job. You weren’t his kid, you were John’s, but Dean saddled the responsibility anyway. And how did you repay him? Screaming at him and running off without telling him.

Oh gosh. He must be freaking out! He didn’t know where you were, and you’d already been gone for a bit. You’d seriously screwed up.

“Hey, princess.”

Just the sound of the grating voice made your blood run cold, and when it was followed by a hand on your arm, you visibly flinched.

“Do I know you?” You asked the stranger nervously.

“Not yet,” the man licked his lips, and your skin crawled. “Are you even old enough to drink that?” He gestured at the drink in front of you.

“Yes,” you hated how your voice quavered.

“Right,” the man grinned, clearly not believing you. “Don’t worry baby, I won’t tell on you.”

Whenever Dean called you baby, it always made you feel safe, like a baby sister Dean would always protect. When this man called you baby, it made you want to crawl out of your own skin and hide somewhere.

“You here with anyone?”

“No—I mean, I mean yes,” why, oh why had the truth slipped out?

“That’s ok, I can keep you company,” you curled in on yourself when the man leaned his body closer to yours, hating how small and pathetic you must look compared to him.

“No thanks,” your voice came out barely above a whisper.

“What was that, baby?” The man’s hand came around your waist, and he didn’t wait for an answer. “Why don’t you have a drink, you’re so tense.” He pulled your drink closer to you, and suddenly you wanted nothing to do with it.

You shook your head, finding that your voice didn’t want to work.

“Aw c’mon, just a little sip,” the man suddenly had one hand on the back of your neck, the other lifting your drink. You tried to squirm away but his grip was too strong, and a whimper escaped your lips when the cool feeling of the glass pushed against them, demanding entrance.

“Open up, pretty little thing,” he twisted so that his arm was holding your neck in place, moving his hand over to your jaw to pry it open. You felt the bitter liquid enter your mouth, and suddenly the man put the cup down, using one hand to cover your mouth while the other pinched your nose.

You couldn’t think, couldn’t even breathe. Eventually it got to the point where you had no choice but to swallow, and once you did, the man released you.

“There we go, now that wasn’t so bad, was it baby?” He leaned close, and his alcohol stained breath invaded your senses. “The next part will be even better.”

Suddenly your head felt fuzzy, your body swaying in your chair. Surely this couldn’t happen because of one sip of beer, right? The scene played back in your head, and suddenly you saw it. The man’s hand hovering over your drink when he went to lean close to you. He must’ve slipped something in it, that’s why he was so desperate to get you to drink.

“S’cuse me,” your voice came out slightly slurred as you slid out of your chair, heading for the restroom. You sensed the man following right behind you, and you broke into a run.

It was a single bathroom, so you were able to lock the door a split second after you entered. You fumbled for your phone, not even hesitating as you clicked Dean’s number.

“Y/N where are you?” Dean didn’t wait for you to speak, his voice demanding and angry. You felt tears begin to stream down your cheeks as a pounding came from the bathroom door.

“I’m so sorry, Dean I’m sorry, I need help please.”

The anger dissipated, and was replaced with worry as Dean repeated his question.

“Where are you?”

“It’s-um…” why couldn’t you remember the name? Your brain felt so fuzzy, and you were so tired.

“It’s that bar we passed, um…”

“You’re at a bar?” You heard the Impala engine start, and your heart rate picked up when the door shook with the man’s pounding.

“Dean I’m sorry,” you sobbed. “Please hurry, there’s-there’s a man and he-he’s trying to…”

“I’m coming, it’s ok just hold on baby.”

Boom!

The door hinges shook.

“Dean…” you whimpered.

Boom! Boom!

The plaster around the door cracked.

“Baby? What’s happening?”

Boom!

You let out a panicked cry when the door flung open.

“Honey, talk to me, what’s-“ Dean’s voice was cut off when the man smacked the phone out of your hand.

“You didn’t have to do that,” your stomach knotted at the sickeningly sweet tone. “It’s not gonna hurt that bad, I promise. It’ll be quick.”

“Please…” you felt your knees give out, and you curled against the wall as your whole body shuddered.

“I’m gonna take real good care of you,” the man was reaching forward to grab you when he was suddenly flung backwards, and Dean took his place in front of you. He remained for a few seconds, looking you over for signs of injuries, before he turned his attention to the man, his whole body tensing with rage.

You slowly got to shaky feet as Dean began to pound his fists, his palms, his feet, everything, into the man, and before long the creep couldn’t hold himself upright, his face bloody and his body bruised.

“Dean.”

The beating stopped immediately at the sound of your terrified whimper. Dean dropped the man and turned to face you, and you ignored his bloody knuckles and bruised hands as you collapsed into his arms.

“I got you, you’re ok,” Dean’s strong arms held you tightly against him, and you relaxed completely as he picked you up, your arms wrapped around his neck and your legs around his torso as he carried you outside.

He set you down gently in the passengers seat of the Impala, and he moved to close the door but you grabbed onto his hand.

“Not yet,” your voice came out in a hoarse whisper, and Dean knelt down to look you in the eyes.

“You’re not hurt are you? He didn’t…” Dean trailed off as you shook your head, and relief settled onto his features. “Honey what happened?”

You recounted the story, and as you did you began to cry again. It felt like living it all over again, and soon you were sobbing in Dean’s arms as he held you close, rubbing your back and cradling your head.

“It’s over now,” he promised. “I’m gonna take you home.”

You finally let him pull away, and he shut your door before climbing into the drivers seat. You drove in silence for a few minutes, but you couldn’t hold back what you needed to say any longer.

“Dean, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of what I said, I know why we have rules and I know you’re doing your best. I-I know-“ you broke off, pulling your knees to your chest before continuing. “I know you don’t deserve to be stuck in charge of me, and I’m-I’m sorry for being so difficult.”

Dean had been silent up to this point, but now he broke him, alarm on his features.

“What? Baby I’m not stuck with you, you’re my baby sister and it’s my job to-“

“But it’s a job you didn’t ask for!” You broke in, trying to keep back your tears for the third time this night. “Dad just left you here with me, and-and I know I’m not easy-“

“Stop right there,” Dean interrupted. “Sweetheart, this is the easiest job in the world for me, ok? I mean sure, sometimes you run off and give me a heart attack,” he gave you a pointed look. “But sometimes you also help with research, or bring me food, or talk Sammy through his nightmares. Honey we need you around here, just as much as you need us. We’re family, understand? It’s all of our jobs to look out for each other, so don’t think you’re just some burden on me. Don’t ever think that.”

You felt your face light up with a smile, and you finally looked up at Dean.

“Ok.”

“Ok,” Dean nodded firmly as he pulled into the motel. “Now c’mon, you should get some food and sleep.”

“Dean?”

Dean hummed as he opened your car door and led you inside.

“Can…can I sleep in your bed tonight? It’s just…I’m still kinda freaked and I thought-“

“Of course you can baby,” Dean leaned down and kissed your head. “That’s what I’m here for. It’s my job.”

[strwberri-milk]

Midnight Blues

Rafayel x Reader || Mild Insomnia, Comfort || 1 184 words

a/n: my toxic trait is pretending im a singer and compiling songs into albums and naming them and midnight blue is the name of the hypothetical album that encapsulates falling in love with rafayel and i guess i could make a playlist bc thats the normal thing to do but i just name fanficitions after them ig. also this is based off his treasure secret time - idgaf about the mensturation i only care about the fact that hums your ass to rest and the lore drop that is rafayel calling you at night when the two of you first start met bc it would help you sleep

You can hardly remember what nights were like before without the sound of his voice in your ears.

You sigh as you sink into your bed, staring up at the ceiling after doing another quick lap around the house to try and tire yourself out. Your body is tired, you know it is. You just wish that you could sleep, not at all excited about the prospect of having to go to work tomorrow after being unable to sleep all night.

You’re about to start your nightly routine of tossing and turning when your phone suddenly starts to ring. A smile makes its way onto your face as you recognise the caller ID, putting your phone against your ear and humming lightly to alert the other side to your presence.

“You’re still awake, huh?” Rafayel’s teasing tone asks through the phone. The two haven’t known each other long but that didn’t seem to bother Rafayel in the slightest.

“Yeah,” you sigh, putting your phone on speaker next to you on the pillow.

All it took was falling asleep one time in a conversation with him for Rafayel to pounce on that and decide to take advantage of it. You swore up and down that it was a mistake, that it wasn’t because of Rafayel that you fell asleep but deep down you know that something about that silky smooth timbre of his voice made your worries go away. You’d never slept so soundly, mortified at the teasing text that he sent you when you read it in the morning.

However, you had to admit defeat and let the man do whatever he wanted. Even before you met him it was clear that Rafayel didn’t care much for whatever the people around him want. He does as he pleases and now, it seems that he’s convinced you won’t sleep without him talking to you.

“If you wanted me to call you all you had to do was ask,” he says after a while, letting you get settled in bed.

“I’m grown. I can take care of myself,” you reply, Rafayel imagining a slight pout on your features as you did so.

“Ah, I see. So you don’t need me to talk you to sleep then? I’ll hang up then.”

“Wait!” you shout quickly, shooting out of bed and grabbing your phone.

“Don’t…don’t go. Please?”

“Begging now? I guess if you’re that desperate for my company I’ll give it to you.”

You can hear how smug he is, rolling your eyes at how obvious his tells are. You wonder how Thomas hasn’t figured him out yet – Rafayel isn’t nearly as sneaky as he seems to think he is.

“Are you driving?” you ask after a second, settled back into bed again and listening carefully to his end of the call.

“I’m heading back from an exhibition. I could have booked a hotel but I didn’t feel like staying the night there so I’m making the long drive home. I called you to see if you’d keep me company.”

You tug your blankets around yourself, losing yourself in their warmth as you yawn. The exhaustion begins to sit on your shoulders again but this time, it feels more manageable. His voice swims around your head as he starts rambling about the exhibition. You’re glad to hear that it went off without a hitch, having declined his invitation yourself due to a more urgent task of the day.

“Are you even listening to me?” he asks, bringing your attention back to him.

“Hmm? Yeah, sellers bullying you, people hitting on you, same old same old,” you mumble, burying yourself further into your bed.

“If you didn’t like it that much, why didn’t you just make something up to get out of it?”

“I couldn’t bail on Thomas again. I felt bad for him constantly fielding off journalists and this show was supposedly a big deal so I decided to do him a favour. Plus, I blew off all the shows so far this month so I might as well make myself seen at a more important one.”

Leave it to Rafayel to make doing his job seem like a favour to someone else. Even if he acts like he’s got his head in the clouds you know he’s genuinely kind – if you’ve got the patience to go digging through the layers that make up the enigmatic artist. You feel thankful that the world brought you to him, even if you weren’t sure what the budding feeling in your chest is.

“You had a long day, huh? I can hear it in your voice.”

You give him another hum, not wanting to bother with any words.

“Even if I ask you a question you don’t need to reply. It’s getting late and I won’t be home for at least another hour. I really did just want your company you know. I’m glad that you answered my call. It would have been miserable if I had to drive home all alone.”

It doesn’t take Rafayel much time to start rambling at you again. You don’t know how he manages to find anything and everything to say to you and keep himself entertained, laughing at his own jokes and taking the soft noises you make as jumping off points to completely go on a new tangent.

When he hears your light snores and steady breathing, he smiles to himself. The sound of your breath surrounds him in his car and if he weren’t such a responsible driver, he’d close his eyes just to pretend that he’s laying in bed with you.

Normally, Rafayel was perfectly content driving home in silence, finding the long expanse of road the perfect opportunity to ground himself after all of the cameras and people in his face. Honestly, he only left when he did to make sure he’d be able to call you at the same time he did every night. Your inability to sleep well worried him and even if you didn’t fully understand the extent of his feelings towards you, he wouldn’t let that get in the way of taking care of you. You make him happy after all, especially when he hears you try to rouse yourself from sleep in a desperate attempt to show him that you’re listening to him. The mental image of your sleepy eyes trying to focus on his face makes his heart melt, impatiently tapping his finger against the steering wheel at the annoyance of being unable to call you his just quite yet.

Even when he gets home, he doesn’t hang up on you. He’s careful to do his nightly routine quietly, using the sound of your breathing as his favourite symphony and he settles down for the night himself. He even continues to speak to you softly, wanting to make sure that his voice lulls you into a truly restful slumber. He thinks about you a lot and being able to help you in any form always makes his heart feel so full.

He won’t admit that talking to you on these late nights makes him sleep well too, putting his phone on the pillow beside him before falling asleep to thoughts of you.

[little-miss-dilf-lover]

Hiii! Ik ur not taking requests buuut I did have this kinda angsty idea I thought was worth sharing 😁, tangerine comes home to fem!readers apartment for dinner, and sees that the place was broken into and is immediately alarmed and runs around trying to find reader. Then he stumbles upon her cat (u can name it whatever) dead because it turns out the people who broke in were some of tangerines enemies and sent a message. :( anyways he finds reader scared to death hiding in a closet, and she asks him where her cat is, and now he has to break the news :(((

hii!! as a fellow cat mum, you just ripped out my heart:((( I love and hate this. im gonna say this, and im sorry in advance, but this isn’t my best work, I had too many ideas and im not entirely sure it all works. ive just been working on it for a little while so I need to post this so I can start others. im really sorry again, I feel a little embarrassed. if you’d like me to rewrite it, that’s okay too :) thank you for requesting, hope you like it💌

leave

tangerine x f reader

wc || 0.76k

warnings || death of readers cat (no details, I couldn’t bring myself to add descriptions) and no happy ending, bc im mean hehe

also I am taking requests, this is just an old ask. but there is a delay atm, sorry

masterlist + rules

taglist

As the girlfriend of a well-known assassin, you were well aware of the likelihood of being used as bait between rivalries. You knew the cost but nothing could’ve ever prepared you for being caught in a vendetta fuelled crossfire.

You were huddled at the back of your closet hiding under piles of clothes with your face buried in your knees, mouth muffled by your hand as you waited for the final clatter of objects in the room next door. You didn’t know what they wanted and you didn’t know why. All you wanted was Tangerine.

After the long-awaited silence, copious amounts of fear settles in when you hear the front door swing open again. Blocking your ears, you cower in on yourself, trying to be as still as possible in the chance they had returned for seconds. But what you didn’t know, is that Tangerine had just made his way back to your place from the local shop.

A thick lump gets caught in his throat as his eyes bug wide, staring around at your trashed apartment. Fear engulfs him when he sees tipped sofas, broken frames and holes in walls. He bolts inside unarmed without a second thought, stumbling over destroyed objects as he searched for something he hoped wasn’t true.

Tangerine stands panicked in the centre of the room, breathing erratically as he gazes around your place.

“Fuck fuck fuck.” He mutters, frustratedly running his fingers through his hair. His eyes dart around, searching for signs of kidnapping until his gaze hones in on a still fluffy object just out of sight. He slowly makes his way over, walking lightly as not to scare the possible creature.

As he gets closer he feels his heart begin to crumble further. Whispering. “Mandy?”

He stands mere inches away as he looks upon your lifeless furry companion, avoiding glances at your cat's crippled state as he bends next to her. Silently comforting her with a delicate stroke as he sniffles. “What have they done to you?” He says, barely audible as he swallows a couple tears.

His body stiffens when he hears a rustle from your bedroom, immediately rushing up and darting into your room, heatedly kicking the door open. “Who’s there?” He shouts, fury-filled adrenaline being his only distinguishable emotion.

You hear the familiar voice of your boyfriend so you begin to slowly push the door open, looking through the gap to check you weren’t thinking wishfully. Steadily crawling out you see him.

The initial noise startles him, but when he sees you, he instantly softens. Running over, he drops to his knees before you. “Oh thank fuck,” he mumbles, instantly wrapping his arms around you, pulling you tight into him. “I thought I lost you.”

He momentarily separates to look over you, his worried eyes darting across your face as he wipes the dampness from under your eyes. “Are you hurt?” He questions, cupping your face in his hands. “You okay?” He asks again, searching your eyes as they widen with thought.

“Did Mandy get out? I-I opened the bathroom door for her— she- she was supposed to go out the window— did she? Did she get out? … Did she get out? Did she?” You repeatedly question, more and more panic fills your tone.

Pushing away his hands you rush to your feet, stumbling up as you try to get away.

“No— please,” he mumbles, gripping you to stop you from leaving. “You don’t need to go in there.”

Speaking with hurt as you immediately think the worst. “Why?” Bottom lip slowly starts to quiver.

“You don’t need to… okay?” He whispers, pulling you back to him. Embracing you tightly.

“No…” you mouth, feeling your eyes instantly well. “…no…”

His tone is filled with empathy as he cradles your head, softly smoothing over the back of it. “I’m so sorry.”

“Get off me.” You retort, pushing away as you stand to your feet. You see the pain of dismissal on his face as you reach for the door. Speaking sternly as you avoid his gaze. “Just… just leave me alone.”

There was nothing that Tangerine could say or do right now that could possibly help you, you needed time… and lots of it. You knew that it wasn’t directly his fault, but you couldn’t help but feel angry at him. You had just lost your best friend because of his enemies. Because of him.

—————

hii! sorryy but I won’t be doing a part 2, I left this as an ending that’s up for interpretation 💌

@tangerinesgf @kpopgirlbtssvt @screams-and-scarecrows @earth-elemental18 @ashlynhasmanyhyperfixations @idontknowwhattohaveasmyuser @thewinterv @navs-bhat @ilovetangerinewithallmyheart @theredvelvetbitch @randomawesomeperson102 @lov3lypeaches7 @princess-pebbles-things @woffelle

[sgtmickeyslaughter]

hi Gigi! how about number 2 for the prompt game?

Hi! If you had sent this ask yesterday morning, I would still be in a happy weekend mood and you might get a cute story about Mickey getting attacked by a swarm of bees on a picnic date or something, but unfortunately im answering this on my lunch break, so enjoy the emo vibes

2. Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.

The nightmares only started after Terry died. 

Before, Ian liked to joke that Mickey was a professional sleeper. He’d lay down and be sucked into a deep, dark unconsciousness within minutes. He was a peaceful sleeper, curled up on his side and breathing softly through his nose. 

On the rare nights when sleep was evading Ian for completely normal reasons, the way it had since he was a kid and stayed up all night worrying about how to tell Fiona he needed new shoes, he’d learned that just being in Mickey’s presence was like a melatonin ooze. He could wrap himself gently around Mickey’s plaint form and bury his face between Mickey’s shoulder blades, aligning his breathing with his boyfriend’s until sleep claimed him.

But the night they found Terry sitting pathetically with a bag over his head, Mickey fell asleep like normal but shot up and out of Ian’s hold after just a hour or so, miraculously not waking his sleeping husband. 

He’d huffed out uncertainly, reaching up to this own chest to feel his racing heartrate. His hands were shaking, and he could feel a headache coming on, so he got out of bed to splash some water on his face. 

Mickey got good at sneaking out of their bed without waking Ian, so good that it wasn’t until Spring was fully blooming and Ian was careening into a seasonal manic episode and they decided to see his doctor about the next day when Ian noticed at all. 

He was awake most of the night, mind racing beyond his usual anxiety, and counted a total of 5 times that Mickey woke up during the night. 

Sometime before dawn, Ian finally confronted him about it. 

“You’re not sleeping, are you?” 

Mickey shrugged evasively. 

“Is that why you’ve been so…” moody, sullen, miserable for the last month or so since you found Terry. 

“Could be” Mickey responded evasively, staring up at the ceiling. 

Ian leaned over and finally turned on their bedside lamp, silently admitting that neither of them were getting anymore sleep that night.

“What’d you think is wrong?” Ian asked curiously, laying back down with his head propped up on one hand shielding Mickey’s body with his own as his husband ran both hands roughly down his face, scratching satisfyingly against his couple days old stubble. 

Ian waited patiently for a response, knowing it would come.

“Shitty dreams” Mickey finally admitted quietly. “Terry, and my uncles, and my oldest brothers - the ones who died. And Mandy, she’s there sometimes.”

“Memories? Or is it just-” Ian asked hesitantly. 

“Yeah” Mickey said, licking his lips. “Memories that are all mushed together, but I’m around - I don’t know, 8 or 9 in all of them.”

“Why’re you a kid?” Ian asked confusedly. 

“I have no fuckin’ idea,” Mickey answered. He sounded so incredibly tired, just soaked in bone-deep exhaustion that had him on the verge of frustrated tears. “I broke my hand when I was 8, and my hand’s broken in all the dreams. It’s broken and it-it hurts so bad, Ian-”

“Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.” Ian hushed, bringing his hand down to sooth the heated skin at Mickey’s temples, like the could root out where the pressure was building. 

Mickey finally looked at him, “what are they doing right now?”

His husbands words gutted Ian, and all he could could do is lean over and kiss Mickey’s forehead, pulling the two of them closer together. He got confirmation when Mickey took the opportunity to wrap his arms around Ian’s waist, keeping him close.

“When I go to the doctor today, we should see if he’ll talk to you. See if we can get you some sleeping pills.” 

“I don’t want to-”

“Not forever” Ian cut off. “But you need some sleep. You’ve been miserable for a while now, haven’t you?” 

Mickey didn’t respond, but Ian could feel him nod. 

“Okay, so we get you something to get you to sleep for a while and hopefully once you’re better rested and your nerves aren’t so fried the nightmares go away.”

Mickey nodded again, then he spoke so quietly Ian barely heard it.

“I hate this.”

Ian took a steadying breath, staring out their bedroom window as the sky lit up in a light pink color. His chest ached and for the first time he understood what it meant to have your heart living outside of your body. 

“I know” he said soothingly, feeling Mickey sag slightly against him. “’m sorry.”

“I love you.”

Sorry 😭 I hope you liked it <3

Prompt Game Fun

[bullet-prooflove]

Grief!Series Part One: There - Bishop Losa x Reader

Tagging: @witches-unruly-heart @anime-weeb-4-life @keyweegirlie @danzer8705 @im-just-a-mississippi-girl @the-wandering-lunatic @alwaysachorusgirl @beardedbarba @multifandomloversworld @est1887 @genius2050 @mortal--soul @buddinglinguist @spookyboogyuniverse @kishie8 @saltyunicorn079 @nessamc @thebaileybugle @spaghettificationandpretzels @nu1freakshow @lyly00 @oureternalbond @beccabarba @legally-a-bastard @trublu2u

You aren’t at the community centre when Bishop turns up to work on the children’s library and that surprises him. It’s painting day and they need to get a couple of coats of white on the walls before Creeper can start drawing up the forest motif that the two of you have been working on together. It’s a massive room so he’s recruited a couple of the guys to help as well as the Prospects. It shouldn’t take too long to turn around.

“She out sick or something?” He asks Riz as he watches Bottles and Nestor open the windows in order to air the room out while they paint.

Riz shakes his head, his mouth setting in a grim line before he sighs.

“They found her sister last night; they’ve asked her to go and identify the body this morning.” Riz tells him.

It feels like a blow to the chest because he didn’t even realise you had a sister. He thinks over the conversations you’ve had over the past few months, searching for clues and it occurs to him you have never once mentioned your family. He wonders how he didn’t notice that. He tasks Riz with overseeing the paint job before getting back on his bike.

He’s dropped you off a couple of times, so he knows where you live. He’s even walked you to the door. As much as he wants to kiss you, he’s always a gentleman. He can’t stand the idea of fucking this up, he values you and the place you hold in his life too much. When he raps on your door, he doesn’t expect you to answer, it’s just past nine and he think you’re probably on route to mortuary. You’re punctual like that. He has the full intention of waiting but then he hears the shifting of locks.

When you open the door, he isn’t sure what to expect. He knows grief, his own and other people’s, he’s seen where it leads and how it presents. You stand before him in one of your blazers, it’s the pretty sage green one that reminds him of spring. You’re dressed neatly, in a black v-neck, jeans and ballet flats. The usual shit that you wear in your day to day but your face...

He has never seen something so heart-breaking. Your eyes are bloodshot and red rimmed, your pallor ruddy. Your gaze comes to rest on him, and you sigh.

“Obispo, it’s not really a good time…”

You don’t get the words out because already his arms are wrapping around you and he’s drawing you into the shelter of his chest. His palm comes to rest on the nape of your neck, thumb caressing the hollow behind your ear as you bury your face into his kutte, inhaling the scent of leather, intermingled with rich undertones of honey, tobacco, and lightly spiced bourbon. He hasn’t had a drink in weeks, but the warm smoky aroma still clings to his skin.

“I can’t do it.” You whisper as his fingertips trail through your hair. “I can’t seem to make myself leave, because if I do it means that she’s really gone and…”

You choke because that feeling, the intense burden of grief it rises up in your chest stifling your words. The noise you make sounds violent and animalistic, you can’t seem to stop the sensation as it pours out of your thorax and into the confines of Bishop’s chest.

Bishop closes his eyes as he presses his lips to the top of your head. He knows this feeling, the helplessness, the inadequacy, the wavering. He’s endured it so many times in the past eight years, it feels like an old friend.

“I’ll go with you.” He promises as he cradles you close. “You don’t have to do this alone.”

Love Bishop? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[heartsoji]

not my fault. yours.

a/n: i have 2 old accs. the stuff on my page is all stuff i've written. i made posts on both old accs saying that im me

“not my fault. yours.”

category: fic

warnings: none

summary: you look too cute when you sleep. it’s not his fault. you just looked like you were begging for cuddles, that all.

kozume kenma x reader

“applepi: alright, i’m just going to log off now. gg”

“ultimategamer23: k. gg”

kenma sighed as he turned off his pc, rubbing his eyes. he looked at the clock. 3 am. looking behind him he saw you, sleeping peacefully. he could only smile softly. you were so cute and sweet, just lightly snoring, holding a pillow close to your chest.

you were just sweetly cuddling with the pillow. holding it close to you, burying your face into it..

wait a minute.

nope, no, nada. not happening. you were not just going to casually cuddle with a pillow instead of him. not on his watch.

kenma quietly got off of his chair, being careful not to wake you up. he gently walked across the floor to the bed, quiet as a cat.

he gently lifted the pillow out of your arms and tucked it under his arms. he placed it on the ground and made his way to where the pillow had previously been.

subconsciously, you moved your arms to the newfound warmth and buried the side of your head into it.

kenma’s face? rip. a tomato. even after all this time, trying to get used to your cute little tendencies, kenma still couldn’t handle it. you were just too cute.

he gazed at your sleeping figure, wrapped around his own body. it was all too cute. the pose. the light snores. the way you just buried your head into him. your face.

ah yes, your face. kenma’s gaze shifted from your whole figure to your face. he had a great view of your features from this angle, and he couldn't help but just admire you.

kenma sighed. he was too tired to be thinking about this. he had school tomorrow. if he stayed up too long, he might just zonk out in class.

so, he settled for sleep instead of staring at your face.

kenma’s eyes drooped as sleep took over his body, knowing that he’d sleep well with you in his arms <3

another round

your eyes fluttered open. you let out a small yawn and gently rubbed your eyes. and then you looked down. 

“ah..!” 

what you saw kind of took you by surprise. kenma. your antisocial walnut of a boyfriend. the one who is super shy about everything and you can’t even laugh without having his ears turn bright red. you’re usually the one who has to initiate cuddles, hugs, kisses, etc. because he’s shy and won’t ask no matter how desperately he longs for them. he won’t give your hand a squeeze, give you a gentle pat on the head, wrap his arms around your shoulders, nothing. (at least w/o you making the first move) but here he was, cuddling with you. you knew for a fact that you had been cuddling with a pillow last night. not kenma. if you were to cuddle and sleep with kenma, you would have to wait until he got into the bed, and then go and cuddle up to him. and then try to hide your giggles as you could feel him turning red. that was the norm and you were used to it. you had to initiate, not him, so this was quite unusual.

you couldn’t help but smile. looks like he finally reached his limit. he wanted them that bad, huh? you let out a small giggle. oops. kenma’s eyes fluttered open. he let out a yawn and opened his eyes a bit more fully, twisting just a bit in bed. when he saw you, smiling like a cheshire cat above him he instantly knew. 

“so you like my cuddles that much, do you?” you teased, giving his shoulder a little nudge.

kenna’s cheeks flushed, but only slightly. instead, he pulled your head onto his chest and muttered a very quiet “mhm.”

your eyes opened wide. but just for a second. you closed your eyes and snuggled into your boyfriend’s warmth. you could get used to this.

of course you couldn’t stand it anymore and then had to give him another tease. it was rare to see such a cuddly kenma and you just had to tease him about it.

“dang, i guess you were just longing so much for my cuddles, huh kyanma? because you love me sooo much, right kenken?”

you could feel his body heating up slightly.

then realization hit.

“KYANMA WE’RE GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHOOL.”

kenma placed his hand on the back of your head and sighed.

“your fault. not mine.”

[astraystayyh]

omg happy first birthday my sahar !! im not here from the very beginning but i'll never forget the day i found your account and it just makes me so incredibly happy to see you grow like🥹 im so proud of you, never forget that !!!!

also i'd like to request a teeny tiny drabble, some kind of reunion with lino ?? like, you had to work abroad for a little while and he misses you so much and you decide to surprise him and its all soft and maybe lino even cries a little bc he just can believe youre in his arms again ??

i hope this isnt too much, dont feel pressured please !! anyway, i love you and im proud of you mwah😽😽😽

my merin i hope you know that you mean the absolute world to me, you’re literally one of the first people whose username i’ve memorized and i always look forward to your feedback because you’re the absolute sweetest to me. i can’t thank you enough for making this year brighter for me <333 anddd this drabble is for u hehehe so i wont tag it,, enjoy it babyyyy i love u 🥹💓

there has been a lump growing in minho’s throat from the moment he has dropped you off to the airport— a kiss on your forehead as a farewell, your intertwined hands slowly slipping from one another as you waved him off.

“i’ll be gone for a week, max. it’ll go by quickly,” you had reassured him the night before, but the universe seemed to taunt him, stretching the seconds more and more till every day spent without you suddenly felt like a year.

he felt your absence in the obvious— you weren’t there greeting him once he got back from work, and you weren’t there scrambling eggs on the stove, clad in one of his old t-shirts. but he also felt it in the subtle cues, the smell of your perfume in your bedroom grew fainter, the house now void of your giggles— much quieter, as if in pause waiting for your return.

he was surprisingly good at hiding his longing from you, smirking at your reflection on the phone as he stated how grateful he was to have the bed all for himself- all while sleeping on your side to trick his brain into thinking you were close.

but now it was day six and your trip had extended for three additional days, and minho missed you so much his heart seemed to bleed out your name. he knew it was his 3 a.m. meaning that it was your midnight but he still called you, needing to hear your voice.

“hi, honey.” you greet, voice coming out as faint whisper. “why aren’t you asleep?”

“i couldn’t,” he admits softly and you giggle, a hint of teasing in your tone.

“because you miss me?”

“mm,” he simply hums, bringing your pillow closer to his body. “i miss you,” a pause, a shaky breath escaping him. “more than you know.”

“minho,” your voice softens, and the sound of his name dripping this gently from your tongue makes tears well in his eyes.

“say it again.”

“minho?”

“yeah, please. say it.”

it is not often minho asks you for something, even less often does he ask you for an act this simple, this sweet.

“minho,” you call out gently, and he hums, wiping away his cascading tears.

“my minho.”

“yours.” he has the phone on speaker now, eyes closed imagining as if you are near.

“i love you,” you say sweetly and he nods, though you can’t see him. he wishes you could.

“i love you.”

“i miss you.”

“i miss you most.”

“i’m here,” a kiss on his shoulder startles him, and he turns around to find you hovering above him, a giddy smile on your face.

“what, h…how?” he stutters, bringing you into his hold immediately. his nose buries inside the slate of your neck, his arms encircling your waist as if afraid you’d evaporate if he lets you go.

“hi, baby,” you beam, planting kiss after kiss on his shoulder. you can feel his tears wet your shirt but you don’t comment on it, instead running your fingers through his hair soothingly.

“how was your bed without me?” you tease, pulling away slightly to lock eyes with him.

“lonely,” he says earnestly, eyes still brimming with tears.

“bad week?” you pout, swiping your thumb gently across his cheek.

“all good now,” he finally smiles, before pressing his lips against yours softly. “how did you come?”

“my trip didn’t extend. i just wanted to surprise you. chan just dropped me off,” you explain.

he stays silent for a little while, eyes simply taking you in.

“i’ll ask you to marry me, you know that right?”

your heart skips a beat. the house becomes a home once again.

“and my answer will be yes.”

[rougepancake]

in the middle of the night

FT. Incubus!Joseph Joestar; AFAB Reader

WELCOME TO THE MONSTER MASQUERADE

WARNINGS: Incubus Joseph, somnophilia, dubcon, fingering, choking, tail play???, little bit of s&m??? Also might be incredibly poorly written… and short… (IM SORRY GUYS). If there’s any tags I missed, lemme know!

SUMMARY: An incubus’s job is to feed off of the lust of women, not to fall in love with them. That goes against practically everything they stand for. But it’s not like Joseph cares.

There was something about how the night enveloped it’s victims that made it beautiful. Maybe it was the danger that came with the darkness. Or maybe it was what lay in waiting within the darkness…

Various monsters from all over like to make appearances at night. It’s like the lack of light allows them to hide the things they hate most about themselves. That’s how human-monster hybrids are brought into the world, as the night was practically made for doing things that would be frowned upon in the sunlight.

Your lover was a monster. An incubus, to be exact.

And he had you falling asleep early so that you could feel him in your dreams.

Joseph appeared and slowly walked over to your sleeping form, taking in the sight in silence. You were in nothing but a baggy shirt, and he loved it. It was almost as if you had fallen asleep that way on purpose…

“You look so lovely…” He whispered, reaching down and running his hands along your smooth legs. You squirmed at his touch, but you were in too deep of a sleep to wake up. His tail flicked behind him as he crawled onto your bed, the additional weight causing it to creak beneath him.

Joseph wasted no time dipping his fingers into your cunt. The sounds you made in your sleep were simply too divine to pass up, so he figured he’d relish in them while he still could.

His tail made its way up your leg, forcing it to the side so that his fingers could delve deeper into you. Goosebumps formed along the surface of your skin, moans falling from the lips of your sleeping body like a prayer. He knew what you wanted, but he wasn’t quite ready to give it to you.

Oh how he wished you were awake for this part.

His fingers left your cunt, his tail falling to the side and allowing your leg to rest. Joseph Joestar wasn’t exactly one for foreplay. He was an incubus, after all. All he was really supposed to do was have sex with you and leave, but he was to enamored with you to do the last part.

“Come now darling, I think it’s time you ought to be seeing my beautiful face.” His tail came up to wrap around your throat as he quickly undid his belt. The sound of you struggling to breathe was something that never failed to get him hard.

To his luck, your eyes began fluttering open right as he began to feed off of your lust. He was buried deep in you, patiently waiting for the lack of air to wake you up, and sure enough it did.

“J-Joseph…” Your eyes were lidded, your chest heaving as his grip on your throat loosened slightly. That jerk, he was wearing that same old shitty grin. He wanted to watch you struggle.

“Well hello there beautiful. Why don’t we have some fun…”

[ssreeder]

oh my god. oh my goodness fucking gracious me.

so I just have to tell you that I found your fic this morning and I fucking SPEEDED through that shit (even though it was SO long--IM NOT COMPLAINING I LOVE LONG FICS) but oh my god. oh my god

you're so talented??? first of all, like I'm on my knees wondering where all this came from. like you came up with this?? it was in your head?? and you wrote it by yourself? oh my god reSPECT

also it's so beautifully written‼️‼️ I went back and looked at the character development and the everything because good lord it was so well paced. like I was on the edge of my bed seat during every single chapter. good lord

zukka + all of ATLA is my current hyperfixation and your fic has soothed me so completely

jesus christ on a cracker do you understand how talented you are?? do you *grabs you aggressively by the shoulders and stares deeply into your eyes* DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW INCREDIBLE AND SKILLFUL AND GORGEOUS THIS IS??? PLEASE

okay but in all seriousness, here are some of my favorite lines(mostly from the last chapter because jesus fuck I do nOT have time to scroll back through everything your wrote):

"And here he was, all these years later… not used to it. He knew he would never get used to the blood curdling scream a person made when the fire stripped their body clean and their bones were reduced to nothing but a pile of ash and a terrible smell.

No wonder the world referred to them as ash-makers."

Jesus fucking fuck. CHILLS BBY I HAD CHILLS

"Watch out for your little brother" OHOHOHO HEHEEEE

"'Your teacher will be someone who has mastered Neutral Jing. You need to find someone who waits and listens before striking. Do not worry about your old friend Aang, he isn’t buried in the ground yet!' Bumi cackled the way that he had since they were just kids.

...

'The white lotus Pai Sho piece? I don’t have a set, no one else knows how to play.'"

AHAHAH THE TOPH AND UNCLE IROH DROP IM GOING TO BE SICK

"I'll go wherever you go." KILLING MYSELF WHY ARE THEY SO SWEET

anyway that's enough from me (I feel like you should know I typed all of this while either rolling around on the floor screaming or sitting very still with a DEEPLY disturbing (so I'm told) and very somber expression on my face).

i hope you have a lovely day you gorgeous beautiful perfect human being

This is me reading your ask… dude wtf this is so nice!!!!

I AM BEING SHOULDER GRABBED WITH LOVE AND I REALLY LIKE IT AHHHHH!!! its so funny because its been so long since i wrote the first book you sent me those quotes and im like uhhhuhhh ohhh yeah mhmmmm wait i wrote that?? Haha (except the “watch out for your little brother”) cause that was twisted in a way that made me smirk.. haha that sentence meant so much!!! (I do think the bumi quote was directly from canon though so I take zero credit for that just trying to keep it canon haha)

I’m glad you like my writing enough to come scream at me. I love when people scream kind words at me I WANT TO BE SHOULDER GRABBED WITH PRAISE MORE AHHHHH!!!

thanks for this epic ask you’re fucking amazing never change

[popcornforone]

You’ve Not Lived, Until You Feel Alive

Chapter 2 of Is That All Mr Gutierrez series

Master List

Chapter 1

Thanks for the love for chapter 1 peoples, I know it was a little different to what I usually write but I need to character builds in this one. When we get to the smut it will be exactly what you all want.

Synopsis: Time has now passed & its 10 years since you had your first kiss with Javi. A lot has changed, & you’ve both grown, but your therapist is asking you to write a secure blog only they can see to get you to believe in yourself once again.

Word count:2500

Warnings: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18! THIS IS A VERY TRAUMATIC CHAPTER! I know this will not be for some of you, it gets dark, but I needed it too, I have to break the reader before they get to have fun. Death, murder, suicidal thoughts, violence, terrorists, cancer, shooting, blood, pain & suffering, angst, agony, anger, PTSD, mental health, nightmares. Pining, wanting, unrequited love not being returned, break ups, loss, sorrow. This chapter is done in a blog, journal format.

Again I am sorry if this is triggering or too much, but I needed to do this to character build. If you want to skip to chapter 3 that’s fine, it will be published soon.

Thanks for understanding peoples, it means a lot, & thanks for reading it’s always appreciated. Don’t worry the smut is on its way, I promise.

Secure therapy Blog post 18

I almost didn’t publish this. I really didn’t think anyone would want to hear what I had to say after the events but my therapist said I should just write when the day happened. Writings my therapy, it’s my creative outlet.

But today was the day the unimaginable thing happened….

My dad passed away & im not sure I can go on.

My dads been unwell for a while. We knew it was cancer & it disappeared about 4 years ago but then it came back, & it was incurable.

Nothing the doctors said… there’s nothing we can do… he’s got 6 months… go make memories with him… so that’s what my mum

& I have done.

My mum to have to go through another loss in her life. Another heartbreak, another good bye. I’m not ready to post about the other heart break yet, but I will do one day. It not mine that happened I don’t recall it.

But we have spent the last 18 months with my dad having the best time in the world. The Gutierrez wedding in Cuba for Javis older sister Luna was so much fun, my dads face as I danced with Javi after few too many drinks, thinking of what I could have had with Javi from my time as a teenager crushing on him. It was like time had frozen. My head buried into Javis neck, inhaling his scent for old time sake. The way his hand stroked my back, making me want more. Trying not to think that his fiancé was looking right at us. She knows I’m just his assistant & look after the legitimate side of the business. She has no idea the feelings I have hidden away from her soon to be husband. A pipe dream I had 10 years ago when I wrote my teenage diary.

But then we got home & dad took a downward turn. & he told me to be brave & go after my dreams & to always be true to myself.

When he was still with us after the 6 months the doctor originally told us, we took each day as a blessing. I don’t believe in god, but I know my dad does. Every night I asked my dads god for one more day with him. & obviously I asked for one too many.

Watching him pass was heartbreaking & but also soothing. He was no longer in pain. & what he did medically for the world to help & try & find a cure still astounds me. My dad went through awake brain surgery to see what happened when it was operated on & how it affects the body. He was so brave. If that procedure saves one life, my dads pain & death won’t have been for nothing.

The Gutierrez’ have told me to take as much time as I need. Javi has sent around a vase of black orchids, my favourite, he always says he sees my inner goth whenever he looks at them. He’s said the business can wait & that he can look after himself for a few days, but I am already missing that dimple & cheeky smile. Even now he has a calming influence on me. It’s just him, it’s just J. He will always be there for me. & yes it’s weird that one of my closest friends in the world is a drug lord & part of the mafia, but we run the legitimate side of the family empire. We run it well. & Javi knows a day will come when he has to run all of it. He’s not looking forward to that but he knows it’s his destiny. He & Sofia will raise an amazing family & have a fantastic life & I will watch by the side, maybe with a family of my own, watching them be happy & be glad I have a small part in their life.

My dad told me to be happy. & that’s what I’m going to do… be happy.

He wouldn’t want me to mope around & wait for life to happen.

So that’s what I’m going to do.

We will have the funeral, Javi Senior has said we can have the wake at their mansion, no need for us to have it in our hotel.

But then I think I need to take that gap year I’ve always promised I would do.

I want to see more of the world than just Spain & England. I want to experience life. I want to feel alive. That’s what my dad always said, you’ve not lived until you feel alive.

Dad I miss you.

I miss your smile.

Your kind eyes.

Your bad jokes.

& I miss that you will never walk me down the aisle or watch me grown into a woman. I know I am a woman but I have so many life experiences to come & you won’t be there to watch me grow & fail. Become proud of myself & who I become.

I love you dad…

I’m not sure I can do this without you…

Secure therapy Blog post 26

I’ve put this off

Everyone’s told me to type

Everyone asked me if I’m okay

I say I am

But I’m not

So here goes

4 months ago I nearly died…

even typing that feels like a weight has lifted off my shoulder

It was horrible

I should not be here

I can still feel the heat when I drop off to sleep

The dreams & nightmares are so vivid

Every day awake was already struggle & now my peaceful sleep is full of flashbacks of horrors or my worst nightmares

It’s pain like nothing else

I was in Rome, after seeing the opera, just on my own. I needed from space from mum, work & Javi. His break up was hurting him a lot & he’d been making rash impulsive decisions. It’s most unlike him. So I suggested I went away for a week, have some me time & so he can get over Sophia. The last thing we both needed was to be moody in each others presence.

So I flew to Rome, did all the sights & went shopping, hooked up with some guys & stayed in a nice hotel & went to the opera.

Then at 3am as I slept in bed I felt warm, it was September so the weather is to be expected. & then I heard the noise, & smelt the ash. A car had exploded outside our hotel & the front of the building had caught on fire. I grabbed my phone & keys & headed to the fire escape.

I could feel the heat surround me, my lungs desperately needing air, as this ash fog just coated my throat. I remember seeing some people pass out, lots of screaming & items on the floor that I did not register. I knew I had to make it out, I had to see everyone I cared for one last time

I know that in the last 18 months since my dad passed I’ve felt helpless & suicidal at times but I’ve always found strength & love from others, it’s got me though it. I needed to get out in one piece. I needed to be with everyone even if it is just to say goodbye.

But then I got to the lobby to make my way to the exit. This was not just a car crashing & exploding, this was a massacre. This was an attack on the hotel & its guests. Bodys burnt in front of my eyes, some people bleeding out, bullets & weapons across the floor. Death stood between me & my exit. How I had got to this part of the hotel still alive & not in pain was a miracle already. As I stepped across the lobby heading for the exit, I could just hear my dads voice like he was there going, you’re doing so well sweetheart, you’re almost safe, you can make it. A few more steps & the horrors will be over. You can almost smell the fresh night air, keep going.

Maybe there is an afterlife, maybe he was reaching out to me but I knew I had to make it across & get tho the exit. It took me a while but I stumbled eventually through the exit & gasped as the nights air filled my lungs.

But then the horror continued… but I have no recollection of it. All I remember is the high piecing screech & suddenly feeling warm as something hit me. Blood trickling & seeping through my sleep shorts. I had been shot. I know I blacked out but there was just one thing running through my mind before my face crashed into the hard cold concrete path. That i would was never get to apologise to Javi for telling him to man up after the break up, for not telling him that I knew Sofia was having an affair sooner, & for not telling him that he has been my true love from the moment I met him, aged 13.

27 of us survived the hotel siege. My mum said I had a face Picasso would have been proud to paint when I woke up. She was crying but her humour got me through it. She’s had so so much loss in her life. Losing me would have hurt the most, she’d have no one. We agreed one step at a time, keep things slow, but I keep having these nightmares from the day. I now know it was the police who shot me by accident thinking I was apart if the group storming the hotel & I am being compensated, I mean it is there job to protect everyone & not take any risks. But I was in my jammies how many terrorist siege a hotel in pjs?

Seeing Javi when I got back here on the island was perfect. All our anger & frustration with each other had gone. We hugged & cried & promised to never be mean or hide anything from each other again. & then he broke my heart just before I went to tell him how I really felt about him & that he helped get me through that night & how he was the last thing I thought of before I blacked out. He said I was his best friend & he knew we would always have each others back.

It still hurts much like the wound in my leg. It hurt deep. But if Javi just wants us to be just friends I can cope with that. I just want Javi to be happy that’s all. I want to watch him grow & flourish & live his best life. I want the world for Javi & if that means I’m just a friend, I hope I can deal with it.

I’m so glad I have a secure server to type on.

This has really helped me today, & so has looking back at all my old posts. Therapy has really made me not feel guilty, that I’m here & those people aren’t. Survivors guilt is real & it’s painful. I do still wish at times that I didn’t make it out but my dad was the voice in my head telling me to keep going & that I am strong. My mum will always have my back. & I know I can trust Javi to support me in everything as a friend, even if that’s all it is. But I do wish it was something more…

Secure therapy Blog post 32

It’s been a while… it really has

My therapist told me to write

She told be to be honest

She told me she would read this

She told me to say it

I am worth something

I am not defined by my recent trauma

& I am valid in my pain

Last week was not only the 2 year anniversary of my dads death but also the day I received my compensation for being shot & the findings report from the massacre were released on the same day, it hit me like a train & i seriously considered with all the emotions & conflict inside me, if my life actually mattered

My mums back in London, to complete the renovation of the new dinning room & kitchen of our hotel there, my best friend is on her honeymoon, & no offence to you my therapist, but I knew what you were going to say. I wanted something else or someone else to validate me.

I’ve been staying at Javis on Saturdays recently, he says that’s when he misses company the most & he usually has meetings or church on Sunday mornings. So I was just standing in the kitchen cooking us dinner, when everything just over came me, the knife in my hand looking so sharp & inviting, would anyone really miss me if I killed myself right now…

I didn’t even know Javi had entered the kitchen, but I knew the second I came out of my paused trance that the tingling sensation Within me was from his hand removing the knife from mine, putting it out of my reach. His other hand stroking my back going up & down my spine. I felt like I was actually breathing & being seen for the first time in almost 2 years.

& that’s when one of my favourite songs came on the playlist i was listening too. & I just rocked with Javi in silence, his arms tightly around me waist, squeezing the pain out of me but also filling me with love & purpose… the moment I finally turned my head to see him & his big puppy dog eyes, the lyrics sang “when nobody understands you, well I do” played. We both just softly smiled at each other no words being said.

When the song ended he asked me if I felt better & that I was always welcome & safe in his house or his parents villa if I need some space & didn’t want to go back to the hotel. I told him I knew that, he told me because that’s what best friends do we say nothing & we just understand don’t we…

I should have told him there & then that I was now sure I wanted more but the moment was so pure & perfect & gave me purpose again, that I didn’t want to ruin it with heart break for me if he rejected me. I couldn’t cope with that, not right now. So I’ll continue continuing on

I know my place

& I know Javi will always be there for me…

Chapter Three

[moonsfavoritedaughter]

Hi! Can you tell me about your PFP character? I see her around a lot, but I lve never really watched the videos.

oooohhh, care if i tell you the whole story? no? tysm!!!

okay so her full name is ashley graves, shes 20 years old, and well...

she used to live with her parents and her older brother, andrew graves, 2 years older, but this bitch, apart from being absolutly beutiful, is an obssesive, manipulative son of a motherfucker, cuz she forces her brother into doing things that her brother doesnt want to do, and then blames him for those things to make him feel guilty and put him closer to her, just to keep all his love to herself, she has made him kill a childhood girl named nina only cuz ashley found out that she liked andrew (also, in this time, when they are kids, they arent named andrew and ashley, but andy and leyley, cuz idk lil kid nicknames) they also buried the body terribly wrong and their parents found out that they killed that girl, putting us in the present where shes now stuck in an apartment cuz the water suply got contaminated with parasites and now theyre infected and quarantined, for some reason due to their blood type being AB they no longer get fed by the wardens, making them feel angry and wanted to leave, between all the things they did to get out of the apartment is: they saw how theyre neighbor summoned a demon and sacrificed himself by accident cuz he didnt have no soul to offer, ate the neighbor (cannibalism, yes, one of the qualities that made this game popular), also manually killed a warden with a cleaver, killed another warden undirectly by sacrificing him to the same demon, killed a woman from downstairs, and escaped.

gotta make sure you understand that these are not things that only ashley did, killing the warden manually and killing the neighbor from downstairs was andrews making, but only to protect ashley and himself, the rest of it ashley did it, and andrew took participation too, then when they left, they went to live to a far department, got chased by a hitman, killed the hitman, discovered a whole cult of satanists, learned a thing or two about them, also, forgot to mention that ashley stole a gun from one of the wardens, so they killed the hitman using that gun, then they stole a car and went to their parents house, also forgot to mention that when ashley sacrificed one of the wardens to the demon she got a lil trinket as a reward that would allow her to see visions of the future, which she used to avoid being killed by the hitman.

then when they were at their parents house, they stole all of their mothers money, discovered that their parents had sold their organs but failed, somehow, they still got the death certificates, then ashley and andrew just sacrificed their own parents to the same demon to recharge the trinket to be able to have more visons of the future, which one of em was about both siblings having sex (incest, the one thing that made this game popular in the first place) and then they left to get rid of their parents corpses in diferent ways, they also did human soup with their parents insides cuz why not (more cannibalism) and then they threw their bones and skulls into the ocean, the end, for now, im still waiting for chapter 3 to see how much sibling love and incest is there gonna be, and yeah theres a quite bunch more than to what i meantioned, but what you need to know the most about this girl is:

she is a relentless, selfish, narcisist, obsesive, manipulative, and horrible murder sister that doenst feel empathy for no one and deserves to suffer the most horrendous tortures of the medieval eras.

AND SHE GAVE ME A MASSIVE ATTACK OF GENDER DYSPHORIA, I WANNA HAVE HER BODY, NAME, AND PERSONALITY SO BAAAD 😭😭😭😭

[kasperbunny]

You Can Still Be My Girl

arthur/me

wrote this back in october 2023 that im gonna post now. this was just a lil thing to help me relieve some gender dysphoria i was feeling at the time :)

"Honey?" They poked their head into the room, their voice soft and timid as they addressed the man sitting on the couch.

His attention was fully on the journal in his lap as he scratched something into the pages, probably doodling again as he did when he had some free time. Their gentle voice caught him by surprise, making him jump a little. He always got so absorbed when he was drawing, completely unaware of anything else around him.

"Yeah, sweetheart?" He took a quick glance at them to acknowledge them before continuing his sketching.

"Um…" They bounced back and forth on the soles of their feet nervously, not really knowing what to say as they stood in the doorframe, "Can we talk?"

Arthur's attention was immediately on them, his gaze meeting theirs in an instant as he closed his journal and set it to the side, "...'Course," he patted the seat next to him, "What's troublin' you, darlin'?"

Tentatively, they walked over and sat themself next to him. They were huddled up in that old beat up hoodie again. He never understood why they wore that old thing, but he supposed it brought them comfort being able to borrow something from that husband of theirs. As long as they were happy.

"I feel…" They weren't looking at him, instead staring holes into the cushions of the couch. Their heart was beating so fast. "I don't feel…feminine enough for you." 

"Oh, darlin'..." he took their shaking hands in his own and squeezed them softly, running his thumbs over their knuckles in a soothing manner, "Now what do ya mean by that, my love? What's the matter?"

Tears burned at their eyes as they finally looked at him. His face was softened with concern, his blue eyes focusing completely on them and looking at them adoringly.

"I don't know…" their voice cracked slightly, a few tears falling down their face, "I'm not…I'm not a woman, and I know you know that, but I still…" they sniffled, trying to compose themself and failing, "I still feel like it's not enough. I still don't feel enough for you. I'm not pretty, I'm not feminine, and I know you don't understand, but I still want you to love me."

They buried their crying face in their hands, the oversized sleeves of their hoodie now obscuring their face. Arthur was patient with them, sitting and listening and waiting for them to finish what they needed to say before he acted.

"Alright…Now c'mere and listen to me," he gently wrapped his arms around their shaking body, pulling them close to him so that their face was buried in his broad chest. One hand cupped the back of their buzzed hair, the other hand pressed against their back and rubbed in slow, soft circles.

"Listen to me, sweetheart, and I don't want no objections," His voice lowered to a grumbly and tender whisper as his rough hands caressed them. They hiccupped softly against him but didn't say anything else as they listened.

"Now you know I don't much care about any of that, pumpkin. Yer my partner, aintcha? And ain't nothin' like that ever bothered me before, so why would it now?" he was absentmindedly stroking the back of their hair as he talked. It was growing out a bit, feeling pleasant and soft against his fingers, "And anyway you know I'm…uh…" he grumbled to himself a bit, seeming to be struggling with what he was trying to say, "What's it called? With a B?"

"... Bisexual?" they lifted their head slightly to look at him, tears staining their cheeks despite the smile spreading across their face. Arthur smiled too, seeing their bunny teeth. He wiped a few of their tears away with his thumb. They leaned into his touch so that he was cupping their face.

"Right! Yeah," Arthur chuckled a little. He was still coming to terms with that, only recently finding out there was even a word that described how he felt. He didn't much care for labeling anything, but he found comfort in knowing his feelings were normal. "Yeah, that. So don't be worryin' yer pretty little head about all that nonsense. You ain't a woman, and I like all kinds of people. Yer perfectly fine, darlin'. You ain't gotta be anythin' but yerself for me, alright? I love you."

He didn't know if his words made any sense, or if he was being insensitive. All of this stuff was new to him and sometimes he wasn't sure how to navigate it, but he was trying. He wanted to try to understand, at least for their sake. He never wanted them to feel isolated or alone, not when he was there to make them feel loved.

"Okay…" they nuzzled into the hand against their cheek before moving forward, wrapping their arms around him and nestling their face into the space between his shoulder and neck. They placed a soft kiss there, earning a quiet and approving noise from him, "I love you too, Arthur."

His hand cupped their face again, eagerly guiding their lips to his own in a reassuring embrace. His stubble was a little scratchy, tickling against their skin. They kissed him back slowly, savoring the feeling of him. He was so warm, the feeling of his body against their own making them feel safe and at home.

"Yer so handsome…" he mumbled in between kisses, his hands sliding down to their hips and squeezing as he pulled them closer to himself, "My beautiful partner…" his voice was low and gravelly, sending shockwaves up their spine.

"S-Shut up and keep kissing me…" they muttered, not being able to help but giggle as he showered them in love. They felt so lucky to have him, never wanting to be anywhere else but in his arms.

[stormwarnings]

WAIT WAIT WAIT I FORGOT WE WERE TUMBLR MUTUALS!! HI HELLO!!!

i'll backtrack a bit!! hi this is eta (currently elwinged but i was also previously radiantsusan/phantomsjulie) and i don't think we've ever actually talked but we ARE mutuals on tumblr and i LITERALLY didn't realise until i was scrolling through my old posts (as you do) and went WAIT I'M MUTUALS WITH STORMWARNINGS (and the answer was YES) and the reason i was so surprised is because i've been bingeing so many of your fics on ao3 recently bc i got back into star wars and! they're! so! good!!!!

i have a special appreciation for 'bury me beneath the tree i climbed when i was a child', it's so gorgeously heartwarming and made me feel all the good feels because it felt so lovely and healing! (my ao3 bookmark says: oh!! oh this was so heartwarming i'm about to cry!!)

and then ALSO (sorry this is going to be a long one) your series 'how i long to grow old'??? THANKS I'M SOBBING????? like it's fix it series but also i am crying over how much these people have lost and yet they still keep getting up???? i love how you write cody and rex and their various interactions, their grief and burdens feel so so so real (also. hey. hey. *grips you gently on the shoulder*. fox. WHY. i am sobbing.) AND THAT TITLE???? YES THEY DO. THEY LONG TO GROW OLD. SCREAMING.

and then ALSO (i said this was going to be a long one) the one that i keep reading and not realising it's also by you, an author who has written many of my favourite fics ('come down from your moutnain')!!!!!! you got the commanders and their relationships with their jedi SO RIGHT!!!! like "are they all like that?" "like what?" and the answers being BEAUTIFUL CLEVER MERCILESS BURNING BLOODSTAINED UNNERVING and you've got them pinned down to a POINT you've got their characters dissected you write them so well!!! i am in awe (and also have that passage screenshotted and favourited)

and you ALSO have written one of my fave silm pieces ever (and i... also didn't realise that stormwarnings who wrote the silm piece and stormwarnings who wrote the codywan au were the same person until a couple months ago and i went. HUH. WAIT.), 'celestial bodies', which is such a gorgeous gorgeous explanation of idril and maeglin if they were a little bit kinder to each other. like--- "you knew my mother. would you tell me about her?" I AM LYING ON THE FLOOR FACEDOWN. and how you emphasise their age and how that shapes them differently!!! lomion is so young and idril has seen things that will never be seen again and it's THEM, it's how it SHAPES them, it's how they understand each other!! i am losing it.

anyway! sorry for the extremely long ask, i was just kind of going ??? the whole morning being like WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M MUTUALS WITH ONE OF MY FAVE AUTHORS!! so!! thanks for writing some of the absolute best works i've ever read + i hope you have a wonderful day!!

RADIANTSUSAN OMG I WAS WONDERING WHERE YOU HAD GONE!!!!!!!!!! eta this made me cry in my first class genuinely this is the sweetest message and such a nice thing to wake up to!!!!

i am SO happy that you (and so many others) were touched by 'bury me beneath the tree' because that fic was truly a labor of love and a little piece of my soul and it makes me so happy to hear how much it was enjoyed. also i promise there is more of 'how i long to grow old' in the works - i have probably ten other fics plotted out, ive just been so busy with college and work and life. as for my other fics, thank you! im still really proud of 'celestial bodies', and the art that my trsb partner made was so beautiful.

anyway NO YOU your art and edits are always so lovely! so happy to see you pop up on my dash again :) have a fantastic day!

[fionajames]

how the wound heals

this is a bit short, but here. supposed to be hurt/comfort but more hurt. like, 70/30 instead of 50/50. this is for @lovejoysoots, so you can blame them for making u cry/j (dont actually, their amazing and he's my friend and epic.) (u can blame me).

PLEASE PEOPLE REQUEST THINGS SO I CAN STOP SQUEEZING IDEAS OUT OF THE SAME TWO PEOPLE

Anyways, enjoy, i hope this makes u cry (i say lovingly)

Ahsoka stared at the wall across from her, studying every scratch and inch of it. She’d been doing that for what felt like hours, waiting on Rex’s return as the emotionless numb infesting her grew with every passing second.

Some things we can’t stop, she thought, the image of Jesse ready to shoot them appearing in her head. She flinched, thinking of his laugh and warm presence, and then the lifeless look in his eyes when they’d discovered his body.

The door opened and she turned to it half-heartedly, watching Rex shuffle inside and close it behind him, pulling his hood off. The bags under his eyes reflected her own as he sat down next to her, draping an arm over her shoulders wordlessly.

“It’s not your fault, Vod’ika,” he whispered and she sniffled, feeling her heart ache. Ahsoka desperately tried to cling onto any maturity her body contained, but all of a sudden, she felt like a child. Like her fourteen-year-old self, seeing her first friend die. A clone who’d cheered her up after Teth, had died in the next battle.

“Maybe it is,” she murmured, tears filling up her eyes and collecting in her lashes like raindrops. One fell to roll down her cheek and she brushed it away. Rex’s face softened in despair, pulling her into him for a hug. That was all it took for her to crack. Ahsoka let out a cry as she sobbed, burying her face in the crook of his neck as Rex soothingly stroked her lekku.

“There was nothing you could do.” Rex closed his eyes as his own tears fell from his golden eyes. Holding his sister close to him, he whispered comfort to her in words of velvet. “Nothing.”

Ahsoka weeped as the pain of the Order hit her again. “He’s dead, because of me. They all died, because of me.” She remembered the shattering feeling of Anakin's cries, the cries that made her instinctively turn to Rex. She’d barely had any time to think about it at that moment when she was fired upon, but now, it was all she thought about.

“Nothing” Rex repeated, tightening his grip on her as though he feared she might disappear. Ahsoka was the only thing Rex had, and Rex was the only thing Ahsoka had. But due to their situation, they had to split up. “One more week.”

Ahsoka nodded, scrambling to stand. Rex looked in heartbreak at her crestfallen face.

Oh, she was still just a kid. 

So was he. 

“I don’t want to separate,” she told him gently. Ahsoka thought of the time she and Barriss had been on the transport when the mind controlling worms had taken over. They’d separated, and their situation had only worsened.

Rex stood, wrapping his arms around her again. They stood and hugged in mostly silence, sniffles here in there as their sorrow encased them. But at least they weren’t alone.

“We have to,” Rex whispered his response, rocking them back and forth slightly. “For both of our safeties.”

“I don’t want to leave you,” she croaked out and he smiled sympathetically at his younger sister.

“It’s for my safety,” he replied, knowing that the only way to convince her was to remind her that he was keeping him safe. Ahsoka cared about Rex above herself, and he hated it, but it was true. It was a bit hypocritical of him - honestly - as he cared about her over himself. They were brother and sister, best friends, and it showed. “Just as I’m doing for you.”

“One more week?” Ahsoka pleaded, he nodded, even though he’d already agreed.

“One more week.”

alright, hope i see some tears.

love y'all, have a goodday/night

request stuff please im on my hands and knees begging.