#Lutheran school things I guess

[arsonistechnicallyillegal]

Ok, who’s ready for me to spill some ✨tea✨

Setting up the story. I work at a Lutheran school, as an afterschool care teacher. I’ve got these 2 students, for the sake of the story, we will call them Bree and Alex (not their real names).

Bree is an older seventh grader. She starts drama. Last year she tried to sell ibeprofin and her adhd meds to other kids. She claims to have had $ex multiple times.

Alex is a young fifth grader. Three years younger than Bree. He’s a bit immature, but what 5th grade boy isn’t? He is also a person of color (this is important to the story.

So, this year, Bree and Alex start dating. First week, Bree is all like “oh he’s so sweet we’re so in love”. Week two, Bree has a second bf and a gf and none of her three partners know about the other two. Week three, and this is a DIRECT QUOTE, she comes up to me “I’m breaking up with Alex, he’s too immature and needs to grow up.” Keep in mind, THREE YEAR AGE GAP HERE

so she goes, and breaks up with him. And then she TEACHES THE SECOND GRADERS TO CALL HIM THE N-WORD. They don’t know what it means. She *obviously* gets in trouble once we figure out she taught them to do it.

Fast forward two days, it’s a Wednesday. Alex is trash talking Bree to his friends, saying she’s ugly and he shouldn’t have dated her(which, typical 5th grade behavior) . Bree overhears. So she decides to tell Alex to GO BACK TO AFRICA.

I cannot make this sh!t up I swear.

[sothetherogue]

Dear Evan Hansen found me.

So now that the tour is closing as well, I’ve been kind of reflecting on why I enjoy Dear Evan Hansen so much. Why it was a show, out of all of the shows I’ve been fortunate enough to see, I connected with so much. So. Here are some incoherent drabbles on it from me.

The first, and probably most obvious thing, is that for much of High School – I felt like Evan. Like I was kind of always on the outside looking in, just hoping that someone would want to include me in what they were doing. I’ve long since left HS but in a way I often still feel that way. I always feel like for a lot of people I am their afterthought. Family, friends, work – I’m the guy no one is thinking “Oh he has to be there!” I just get tossed the pity invite when they remember. Is a lot of that in my head? Yeah probably – But hey Anxiety really make a fool of me.

I spent a lot of time around that age, and even to an extent now, wishing I had more friends. I spent time playing World of Warcraft and imagining what it would be like to have a group of friends to go to a dance with, thinking what it would be like if I could built up the courage to talk to a guy I liked. In college I spent a lot of time thinking the friends I was with were just too polite to tell me to leave. A lot of that carries with me now. Just waiting for the moment everyone decides I have overstayed my welcome and asks me to leave. Always planning out interactions in the hope of making sure they go well do that people will like me. Just – I really saw myself in him as a character.

In a way, I also had my own big lie that I was telling to everyone. Obviously, a very different lie, but one that shaped everything around me and eventually came crashing down. I’ve known I was gay for a really long time. There were a lot of mistakes made around it – but growing up in the Lutheran School system, telling people was just something I felt could never do. There are a lot of moments from my life that I feel were taken from me because I’d either step out of the sun, or hit the breaks before I turned the key.

I know DEH isn’t a “Coming out” story in that sense, but the way it paralleled my own life is something I can’t stop thinking about. Having a mom who always tried to do her best for me, but because she didn’t actually know the support I needed ended up coming up short? It’s scary how similar it was. I even went to therapy for a time, but it was Christian based therapy. I’m not knocking it as a concept – but the thing that was bringing me down I couldn’t talk about SO….it didn’t help. And the lie I told everyone, that I convinced myself was true as well because I wanted it to be true for so long. I pretended to be straight, date girls, do all the things so that no one would know how “Broken” I was deep down. How broken I found myself. Everything seemed fine on the surface, but deep down I was really hurting.

When I heard “Words Fail” I was reminded so much of when I finally started to admit the truth to myself and other people. I didn’t know how to say it, and usually was just reduced to tears. The lyrics

This was just a sad invention

It wasn't real, I know

But we were happy

I guess I couldn't let that go

I guess I couldn't give that up

I guess I wanted to believe

'Cause if I just believe

Then I don't have to see what's really there

No, I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken parts

Pretend I'm something other than this mess that I am

'Cause then I don't have to look at it

And no one gets to look at it

No, no one can really see

'Cause I've learned to slam on the brake

Before I even turn the key

Before I make the mistake

Before I lead with the worst of me

I never let them see the worst of me

'Cause what if everyone saw?

What if everyone knew?

Would they like what they saw?

Or would they hate it too?

Will I just keep on running away from what's true? .....

Like. They might as well have just held a mirror up to my face.

I had told some people before I ever told anyone in my family. To be honest, telling my mom was not how I wanted it to go. It was similar to Heidi and Evan too. We were in a fight about something silly. I had forgotten to get something out of my trunk she needed and drove to work with it. I remember sitting in my desk at 9 am sobbing because this was it. This was how I was going to tell her. I finally texted her the words “I’m gay” and that pretty much shut down the rest of the day for me. I called my friend Lily in the stairwell – I don’t even know if I got coherent words out to her – Before I drove home and laid in bed catatonic for 6 hours until my mom got home. All of this culminated in our own “So Big / So Small” moment – And while I don’t think she handled it perfectly (Not mad BTW) it was a turning point for me.

I could finally stop pretending I was someone else in the hopes that people would like the persona I had created, and not the one that was real that I wanted to hide. I was me. And that was enough. It was time to step in to the sun.

When I finally saw the play in 2021 I was immediately taken with it for the above reasons and more. It was another catalyst for me to start making changes in my life, as I realized I was still not being the full me – and I have been changing that. I have been fortunate enough to see the tour 4 separate times, and every time I see something new and while it is sad it is ending, it will be something I always remember.

So – when I say this play meant a lot to me I really mean it. I might have taken something from it completely different from someone else – and I wish I had found it so much sooner, but thank you Dear Evan Hansen for finding me.

[solrosan]

I never thought I had a The King: Eternal Monarch meta in me, but I haven't been able to let this one go since I learned what date Lee Ho was murdered. So here we go. (Spoiler: you will be disappointed by the lack of point by the end.)

First, Happy Night of Treason! May Gon come back and save himself, or something like that.

Now, if you, like me, happen to be Scandinavian (or perhaps especially if you're Swedish), December 13 is One of Those Dates. It's Lucia and our Lutheran arses celebrate the death of the the virgin martyr and Catholic saint Lucia of Syracuse. (I have yet to find a Catholic outside of Scandinavia who's ever heard of her, btw.)

The short version (and the version taught in Swedish schools) is that Lucia refused to be married to the man her mother had chosen (because she's promised herself to God). She was reported as a Christian to the authorities by this man and put in a brothel. Since she had promised herself to God, she refused (because that's something you could do??). They tried to take her away, but they couldn't move her. They built a stake around her, but the wood wouldn't catch fire. So they pulled out a sword and stabbed her in the gut, which killed her.

To celebrate this, we dress up like this every December 13 and sing about how fucking cold and dark it is...

(There is a lot of additional lore to this holiday, but it relates more to Culture and less to Catholicism, so I'm going to leave it be. I'm guessing you're bored enough already.)

So keep in mind that I've been steeped in this since kindergarten (before, even. I'm born on November 16, I was dressed up like this before I was one month old...), and at the end of TKEM I see this:

which makes my mind wander of to the beginning and the death of Corea's (presumably) first Catholic king since he, too, was murdered by a sword in the gut. Saint Lucia is, just about, the only saint this culturally Lutheran Protestant knows, after all. Heck, it's just about the only thing I know about the Catholic church period.

(That, the Pope's red slippers, and paedophilia...)

And I have to admit, there is absolutely nothing I can build on here. Lee Ho has, as far as we know, no virtues we can link to Saint Lucia. There are no parallels to be drawn. Other than perhaps the visual, and the fact that he was stabbed in the gut by a sword.

But what a visual.

Lee Ho, all dressed in white.

Lee Ho being run through with a sword.

Lee Ho with his white clothes soaked in blood...

I don't think the makers of TKEM had any knowledge of a Catholic Italian saint from the early 4th century that's celebrated by Lutherans in Scandinavia. I don't think they ever had any deeper thoughts going into the choice of date for the Night of Treason, and I told you that you'd be disappointed by the end...

...but I needed to get this one out of me. And now I have!

Have a very nice Lucia Day, everyone!

[ultrajustjo]

Week 3: Visio divina

Historic murals in Zion Lutheran Church, Athens, NY; Basilica, University of Notre Dame

Sanctuary of Zion Lutheran Church, Athens, NY. Photo taken June 16, 2023.

Visio divina

Welcome to Week 3 of my prayer exercise. This week, we step away from the Met, but not from architectural forms. I attended a colleague's studio's piano recital at Zion Lutheran last week. My children and I have also performed here, and my family has attended ecumenical services here. I was happy to be back in Zion, as it's a small, welcoming upstate New York church -- by that, I mean that the sanctuary is cozy, and the building is historical, as are most Mainline Protestant churches here. I love worshiping in the Basilica at Notre Dame or at Duke Chapel when I'm down for my intensive weeks, but the smaller worship spaces in our Northeastern villages are home. Most are similar, and some, regardless of denomination, have the same blueprint (having used the same artisans).

If you are a church history fan, click here:

The recital was lovely and showcased serious young people who pursue their passions for piano performance.

Today is the Saint Day for Aloysius Gonzage, whose relics are housed in the Basilica, because he died on this day several hundred years ago. He was also a young person who pursued his passions. Coincidence?

Here's a bit about him:

Aloysius Gonzaga

died midnight June 20-21

patron saint of young catholics, died age 23

headstrong teen with ideas his father opposed

forbidden by Jesuit superiors from too much prayer: he needed a balanced life. He "pursued" relationship with God as his main passion

Read more about him here where you can see depictions of him at the University of Notre Dame, including a mural found within the Basilica:

https://faith.nd.edu/s/1210/faith/interior.aspx?sid=1210&gid=609&calcid=53508&calpgid=61&pgid=15208&crid=0

* A quick memorial to my high school algebra teacher and quiz team coach Mr. Gillette, whose middle name was Aloysius -- a fact he grudgingly revealed when none of us could guess his name. He smoked like a chimney and drove us off campus without permission (it was the 80s), he accepted and respected pregnant and newly married teens, and he was unpretentious to the point of being loved by his critical teen students. He was an Army man turned teacher, God bless him. His mother knew what she was doing when she named him after a saint for the young. I didn't know it then, but Mr. Gillette was a saint sent to us.*

Getting back to the recital, and Zion Lutheran's sanctuary, I invite you to imagine a piano program played with increasing skill as a backdrop to a meditation. I don't have a link for that, but you can play this in the background as you keep reading.

The verses

We are continuing in the gospel of Matthew, this week in Matt. 6:1-6. The verses that grabbed my attention are verses 1 and 6.

“Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.

2 “So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 3 But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

5 “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

The Meditation

Praying in public and in a leadership role is a weird thing for me, having been raised to pray quietly, privately, authentically, and spontaneously (not by rote). Adding my gender and its ensuing religious issues into that public prayer mix creates a barrier that I must constantly work to overcome. More on that, maybe, in the next post on contemplation.

The mural: Ok, ok, it isn't really a mural, but we're viewing the art on the wall, and OF the wall at Zion Lutheran. The art we are contemplating IS the worship wall. What strikes you about the images and words on the wall? How does this compare to the mural of Aloysius at Notre Dame? How do they relate, or do they relate, to the verses from Matthew?

What words stuck with you when you read the passage? What phrases do you keep coming back to? How do you feel about them? Do they inspire you? Irritate or confuse you? Are you ok with this?

Time now to sit for a moment in silence and let God continue to dwell with you.

[scentedchildnacho]

My transmedia squirrel story Letty and Leonard.....it use to include things like the solarium in baton rouge Louisiana where you get to go sit in this room with a sun recording like a human heart beat so you can attach to mother earth instead of your human mother as your God complex

My mother in telling me I had to go to school and other obligations is very Sistine chapel for me

So I like when God is a womb room with a strong driving heart beat....

Or in Florida they would take me at Lutheran native gardens to women who may body build and they would show me species of plant berry that can reverse the heart symptoms of cheap beer instantly

The God is a woman project....

Then there was all these artifacts like huge wall sized goddess figures that protect marine life in Beaumont texas

I guess it could be a part of gaming like a character that immediately boosts the healing life force of players on play store aps

[hoodie-prince-kid]

I live in a 20k people town with 40 churches. 40 of them. That's not an exaggeration that's how many official churches are in this small town, most of them Catholic. I have never gone a day in my life. And I think that's another thing that makes me alienated in this town, on top of being autistic and visibly queer if you know how to look. My parents don't have a lot of friends, and don't talk to a lot of people aside from in passing, leading me to not have a lot of friends. Because church is the one and only socialization group in this town. All summer activities unless school funded double as Bible camps. I think that's what makes me uncomfortable with the concept of religion? And why despite being raised without religion because Dad was Catholic and mom was Lutheran so the views clashed (apparently they argued all the time about it before I was born), I still kind of get the feeling of religious guilt because since I've never gone I'm kind of excluded from the community in this town? I don't know how to explain it. It's like losing something I never had but could have had. It's weird but maybe that's just the small town with only church related activities problem talking. And right after that is sports but I never got to participate much because I'm bad at them because I'm always in pain. It's just this deep seeded exclusion of people who don't go to church every Sunday in this town. Everything is closed on Sunday except for Walmart to be honest. It Kind of hurts I guess? I think I'm thinking too deeply about this for 10pm on a Friday night it probably doesn't make any sense.

ohhh-

[violetsystems]

Bloodstained is pretty bad ass. Especially if you are a symphony of the night / aria of sorrow kind of person. That should be a personality test. Midnight Pulp has a poorly subtitled version of Sailor Suit and Machine Gun I started watching. As in the subtitles are only there for the first five minutes and make no sense. Similar in respect to Happiness of the Katakuris which I'm surprised hasn't been subbed by now. Delinquent school girl that is apparently a distance relative to a yakuza boss who dies gets wrapped in the underworld and dipped in concrete from a construction crane. MXC vibes on that scene. It's worth watching for the cinematography. It plays like Cops Versus Thugs meets the beginning of House. I like that era of Yakuza film because there was a lot of complex stuff going on politically. So without the subtitles the plot gets lost in really experimental shots mixed in with a really difficult lead character. It has a really amazing vibe to it if you are into Japan from that era. Especially the fashion. Ooh Kosh denim jumpsuits aside. But then again I liked Switchblade Sisters so don't trust my judgement on anything. Just hard to parse what exactly is going on and who is killing who. The one thing I've learned about the Japanese mafia back then is that it isn't much different from America. Lots of property and construction fraud. I grew up in a suburb and a subdivision like that. Mortgage and loan racketeering. The most modern Korean film I've seen that explores that is Nameless Gangster which is also on Midnight Pulp. You can thank the Samsung Channel for helping me discover that because it's right next to the anime channels in the lineup. Also saw the Roundup recently. Ma Dong Seok is in both of those playing very different characters. Probably one of my favorite comfort ensemble actors in Korean cinema. It is interesting taking gangster films from Asia and comparing them to the plots going on around me. Infernal Affairs worked well in that respect. Although I'm not the biggest fan of the Departed. I guess the point is that gangsters in both cultures believe they are doing well by breaking the law. Same with police. Cops Versus Thugs expresses this a lot in Japan at the time with how the police were working with the Yakuza to fight communism. But in the end, it's the people who die and suffer on and off screen. I don't know how Castelvania fits into all of this. Maybe there's an underwritten loan on Dracula's castle. A blood tax if you will. Don't get me started about goths and communism. Call that a “downward spiral.” Swedish House Mafia version of your seminal Japanese gangster film scored by Peter Bjorn and John. Call that the Lutheran brotherhood. Cue the drumroll. 🌀

[sohannabarberaesque]

Postcards from Snagglepuss (Minnesota State Fair edition)

Not one to know much about Art, let alone church dining hall breakfasts and coffee

Make no mistake: You can't enjoy a serious day at the Minnesota State Fair without having a generous breakfast. Even more so if it's from one of the two remaining church-sponsored dining halls therein, holdouts from a fallout beginning in the mid-1970's when many churches ended their dining hall traditions because inflation cutting into ingredient costs, public unease over cheap, starchy foods as seemed to dominate the menus, and inability to find volunteers willing to pull off lunch counter duty from their congregations.

This case happens to be the dining hall of Salem Evangelical Lutheran Church in Minneapolis, in close proximity to the Arts Center and Eco Experience. Which as much yours truly as Huckleberry Hound patronised for a pancake breakfast complemented by their Swedish Egg Coffee--remarkably clear, less acidic in taste and unmistakably decent.

Not to mention at the table across what passed for the aisle of the dining hall no less than Touché Turtle and his Old English Sheepdog compadre, Dum-Dum, also tucked into an old-school breakfast complemented with Swedish Egg Coffee. As if the pancakes weren't rather light-textured and delectable, even with decent Minnesota butter and warm maple syrup--

"Has it ever come across to you how many have mistaken yours truly for that mascot which the Cayman Islands uses for its logotype?" asked Touché Turtle over another mouthful of pancakes.

"At least the plumed hat is something of a giveaway," Huckleberry Hound responded. Which had Touché giggling somewhat.

Dum-Dum, who, alongside Touché "himself," can get to be likable in his own way, though unnerving in certain high-peril situations and scenarios, couldn't help but remark with some drollery about the time The Great Gazoo, otherwise the conscience of Fred Flintstone, greeted Dum-Dum with that trademark address otherwise reserved for Mr. Flintstone, "Hello, dum-dum!" ... only to point out that it was Dum-Dum he was talking to. "Which, as you can guess, had Gazoo realising he was caught in a much different time-space continuum in spotting yours truly!"

"At least you can laugh about it nowadays," saith I.

"Even when you consider," Dum-Dum added, "where I've spent time over recent summers houseboating with Bristlehound on the Upper Mississippi."

"Which must seem rather fascinating right there," Huck remarked as the waitress refilled his coffee as much as mine.

"Just us two, taking it easy, relaxing on a sandbar for the night ... or even at the municipal boat harbour, sleeping on the roof of our houseboat on warmish nights. And Touché 'himself' adding a little spice to things."

"Not to mention," Huck remarked, "from what I understand, finding some interest in Friday-night fish fry."

"However did you know about that?" responded Dum-Dum, adding "Still, our kind of fish fry is the all-you-can-eat sort, especially where it's beer-battered fish, French fries, cole slaw and rather creamy tartar sauce."

Touché chimed in, "And what better beverage for fish fry than iced tea?" Dum-Dum chimed in, "You certainly have it there, Touché!"

Yours truly was thinking to himself for a moment what exactly iced tea would taste like with some Robinson's Lemon Barley Water from jolly olde England in lieu of the lemon juice ... but still, what a breakfast ensueth!

(Oh, and did I mention where we brought in Touché Turtle and Dum-Dum, not to mention Pixie and Dixie even, to the fall road trip, as if Yakky Doodle and Chopper weren't already part and parcel?)

=============

In keeping with the established habit here, I've brought in the famous old recipe Salem Evangelical Lutheran's Dining Hall uses for Swedish Egg Coffee--which, in this instance, is intended mainly for crowds, 48 cups even!!

Bring one gallon of freshly-drawn cold water to the boil in a splatterware container of like volume.

In a separate splatterware container of one gallon, mix together three pounds of ground coffee, one egg (shell and all) and enough water as would barely moisten the coffee.

Pour the boiled water into the container with the coffee mixture, and brew such just until the coffee comes to boiling. Remove from the heat and strain through cheesecloth in decanting the brew into a coffee urn or vacuum pot before serving.

*************

@warnerbrosentertainment @indigo-corvus @theweekenddigest @xdiver71 @ultrakeencollectionbreadfan @archive-archives @thylordshipofbutts @themineralyoucrave @princessgalaxy505 @screamingtoosoftly @thebigdingle @warnerbros-blog1 @zodiacfan32 @stuffaboutminnesota @jellystone-enjoyer @a-gang-of-silly-bananas @warnerbrosent-blog

[suckitsurveys]

What are three names you like that start with the same letter as your fist name? Henry, Hattie, Harriet.

How old will you turn on your next birthday? 34.

What are three things you like about your birth month (besides it being the month your birthday is in)? Pumpkin things start appearing, the leaves start changing, it’s also Mark’s birthday month.

…and what are three things you dislike about it? It’s still hot af most days but all the water parks/pools/beaches are closed, work starts piling up because the students are back, and it’s the end of summer, which gives me such a weird, melancholy, nostalgic feeling.

List three celebrities that are the same height as you. Amy Poehler, Nikki Minaj, Salma Hayek (who also shares my birthday lol).

Are you happy with your height, or do you wish you were shorter or taller? Why? I’m fine with being 5′2″.

Which family member did you inherit your hair color from? My mom was blonde as a kid and her hair turned brown and my sister and my hair did too, so I guess her.

List three things in nature that are the same color as your eyes. 👀 Pine trees, grass, moss.

Are you happy with your current weight, or do you wish you weighed more or less? I am not.

If applicable, how many pounds do you want to lose? Ideally I’d be good under 250lbs.

How many years has it been since you were last a student enrolled in school? 🏫 It’s been a while.

What was your favorite class in high school? Social sciences.

How many sisters do you have? One.

How many brothers do you have? Zero.

If you had a twin sister, what would she be named? I don’t know, maybe Matilda or Rosalita, like my almost names were? Or maybe I’d have a completely different name? How many dogs have you had in your lifetime? 🐶 Just one.

How many cats have you had in your lifetime? 🐈 Seven.

Do you prefer dogs or cats? Cats.

Where was your dad born? In Chicago.

Where was your mom born? In Lexington, TN.

Where were you born? Chicago.

Have you ever met anyone unrelated to you that had the same last name as you? Yes, once. My last name is very uncommon, especially in the states, so that was a trip.

How many sister-in-laws do you have? One.

How many brother-in-laws do you have? Two.

How many nieces do you have? Two.

How many nephews do you have? One, by marriage.

How many of your grandparents are still living? Zero.

Are you good at taking pictures? 📸 Sure.

What are three things you’ve been complimented on? My creativity, my hair, my humor..

What is your dream job? Event planner.

…and are you currently working in your dream job? I don’t get paid to do it but I do plan parties for my nieces lol.

Do you consider yourself spiritual? A little, sure.

Do you consider yourself religious? Not at all.

Do you have a positive or negative view of the word “religion”? Mostly negative, especially living in the states. Religion seems to dictate a lot of hate and I can’t get behind that. I know there are positives to religion, but my first instinct is to dismiss any and all religions.

Do you have a positive or negative view of the word “spiritual”? I have a more positive view of that word because to me, it means you can believe in a higher power without necessarily following a religion, which is something I can get behind. Who is the most spiritual person you know? My mom followed the belief I mentioned above pretty consistently.

When was the last time you stepped foot inside of a church? ⛪️ Oh buddy I can’t even tell you.

Do you regularly attend church? Why or why not? ⛪️ Nope. Because I do not follow a religion.

Have you ever been to a mosque? 🕌 I don’t think so.

Have you ever been to a synagogue? 🕍 I have, if I remember correctly.

What is your favorite religious holiday? I guess Christmas is technically a religious holiday.

If applicable, does your faith mean a lot to you? Not applicable.

Do you have the same worldview as your parents? for the most part.

Have you ever attended a Christian school? 🏫 I went to a Lutheran high school unfortunately.

How often do you pray? 🙏 Never.

Have you ever danced in church? 💃 Uhh maybe?

Have you ever been baptized, and if so, where and how were you baptized? 🌊 I was not baptized.

How many presidential elections have you voted in? 🗳️ 2008, 2012, 2016, 202, if I remember correctly. 2008 is a little hazy.

Are you happy with the current state of your nation? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

How many different medications do you normally take daily? 💊 I don’t take any.

Which medication(s) do you hate the most, and why? I never really hated any that I’ve had to take.

Is your current doctor a male or female? Male.

Do you prefer male or female doctors? Why? I don’t care for the most part.

How is your mental health? How has it been lately? LOL.

[hollow-head]

When did you first read the Good Omens book? Are you a long time fan or did you get introduced to the TV series first?

I first read Good Omens ages and ages ago when I was in high school. My friend brought the paperback to lunch and told me to read the bit where they have the drunken conversation about eternity and dolphins and all. It was instantly my favorite book. I'd never read anything by Pratchett or Gaiman before. It became a running joke with my friend that she was the angel (becasue she was blonde and very Lutheran) and I was the demon (because I was atheist and iconoclastic and very not blonde). I have a picture I'll never post of me wearing sunglasses with my hair styled up in horns like crowley on one of the book covers. I never drew any fanart for it, and didn't really think about it much, until yeeeears later when the show came out. (I didn't like the "book fandom" art style, which was predominated by a very bishi anime looking aziraphale.) But I've loved the book pretty much forever. I guess the moral of the story is that things you were into in high school might get unexpectedly popular all of a sudden.

[tototavros]

stoned rambling below cut don’t relbog, pretty incoherent probably, kinda regret writing 

growing up i felt relatively cultured--lived near a downtown of a large suburb near a large city, parents taught college, i read philosophy and history and lit a lot in high school, but then i left, went to a podunk college, left that, and just the food diversity alone was a massive difference even in north carolina--even tho I only really had Wendy’s or Middle Eastern food as options for my lunch break, I’d still schlep a mile out for some doner most days, then boston and oakland were ridiculous afterwards--I could have pho multiple times a week and it was good! I had weird Italian sandwiches!

it would have been so fucking hard if i hadn’t had google on my phone to just quickly check out what the fuck “aioli” or “tripe” or hell, “pastrami” was, because I don’t like eating food without having a good guess at what it’ll taste like, and I used to not like asking questions (still don’t if I’m not tipping) at restaurants 

along these lines, the cultural shift between what I grew up with and what I’m surrounded by (not just rat stuff, but general tech, queer, w/e the fuck) is pretty wild 

i grew up going to church regularly, not necessarily every sunday, but when we could, even tho my parents are both atheist/agnostic because they thought it’d make me and my sister better people, including switching churches (and denominations, i was baptized lutheran as my mother was, went to a methodist church after) until they found one they really liked, and it seems to have worked really well for my sister and I? granted it’s probably one of the most milquetoast-liberal kind of churches you can get this side of UU, there was not exactly a lot of fire and brimstone, and it was kinda agnostic whether you did the prayers or sang the songs or read along, just so long as you didn’t disrupt anyone else’s enjoyment of the service that was planned

also, i grew up pretty involved in sports--i’m not an athletic kid, but i played soccer, baseball, flag football organizedly, and pickup basketball, baseball, softball, football a lot throughout elementary school when middle school crushed my ability to do things, but I’d still like to sit and just work through math during commercials on Sunday checking up on how the Vikings were doing, or maybe watching a bit of the Twins on the weeknights when they were on and paying attention to things in the papers and ESPN.com

but that’s not the sort of thing that people i know think of fondly in their childhood much it seems, seems a lot more fencing, archery, badminton, martial arts sorts of things, which I think is a class thing, and...you know, I miss the old stuff, I *like* roughing around with friends, especially ones that will fucking stop when you say you mean it (didn’t always have that), and I don’t think I’ll have that, not unless I want to sacrifice being somewhat understood 

maybe I can make that for myself, I maybe would like to go to church, but i’d rather just avoid talking about those things, don’t want to seem weird, even among the largely weird, not unless i qualify myself half to death to make sure that all of my activities are “correct” but I guess that’s just the 

still, idk, it’s just overall *weird* to me how alien of a culture i’m now in, even tho in many ways i fit in fine, i never even conceived of a world in which I would be scared to admit that I believed in God, if I did (I don’t, and didn’t, mostly, long story), but now i’m living it 

[bogkeep]

hmmmmmmmmmm maybe i’ll write an Introspective Musing Post about my relationship to religion and their depiction in stories because i’ve pondering about this topic lately

so for those who are reading this and DON’T know what’s been going on...  there’s this webcomic i fell in love with some years ago, about six years actually, that depicts a post-apocalyptic fantasy/horror adventure set in the nordic countries. it had, and has still, some very uncomfortable flaws regarding racial representation, and the creator has historically not dealt very well with criticism towards it. it’s a whole Thing. my relationship with this comic has fluctuated a lot, since there are a lot of elements in it i DO love and i still feel very nostalgic about, and like idk i felt like i trust my skills in critical thinking enough to keep reading. aaand then the creator went a teensy bit off the deep end created a whole minicomic which is like... a lukewarm social media dystopia where christians are oppressed (and also everyone is a cute bunny, including our lord and saviour jesus christ). which is already tonedeaf enough considering there are religious people who DO get prosecuted for their faith, like, that’s an actual reality for a lot of people - but as far as i can tell, usually not christians. and then there’s an afterword that’s like, “anyway i got recently converted and realized i’m a disgusting human being full of sin who doesn’t deserve redemption but jesus loves me so i’ll be fine!! remember to repent for your sins xoxo” and a bunch of other stuff and IT’S KIND OF REALLY CONCERNING i have, uh, been habitually looking at the reactions to and discussions around this, maybe it’s not very self care of me but there’s a lot of overwhelming things rn and it’s fantastically distracting, yknow? like, overall this situation is fairly reminiscent of the whole jkr thing. creator of a series that is Fairly Beloved, does something hurtful, handles backlash in a weird way, a lot of people start taking distance from Beloved Series or find ways to enjoy it on their own terms, creator later reveals to have been fully radicalized and releases a whole manifesto, and any and all criticism gets framed as harassment and proving them right. of course, one of them is a super rich person with a LOT of media power and a topic that is a lot more destructive in our current zeitgeist, and the other is an independent webcomic creator, so it’s  not the same situation. just similar vibez ya feel as a result of this, i have been Thinking. and just this feels like some sort of defeat like god dammit she got me i AM thinking about the topic she wrote about!!! i should dismiss the whole thing!!! but thinking about topics is probably a good thing so hey lets go. me, i’m agnostic. i understand that this is a ‘lazy’ position to take, but it’s what works for me. i simply do not vibe with organized religion, personally. (i had the wikipedia page for ‘chaos magic’ open in a tab for several weeks, if that helps.) i was raised by atheists in a majorly atheist culture. christian atheist, i should specify. norway has been mostly and historically lutheran, and religion has usually been a private and personal thing. it turns out the teacher i had in 7th grade was mormon, but i ONLY found out because he showed up in a tv series discussing religious groups in norway later, and he was honestly one of the best teachers i have ever had - he reignited the whole class’ interest in science, math, and dungeons and dragons. it was a real “wait WHAT” moment for my teenage self. i think i was briefly converted to christianity by my friend when i was like 7, who grew up in a christian family (i visited them a couple times and always forgot they do prayers before dinner. oops!), but like, she ALSO made me believe she was the guardian of a secret magic orb that controls the entire world and if i told anybody the world would burn down in 3 seconds. i only suspected something was off when one day the Orb ran on batteries, and another day the Orb had to be plugged in to charge. in my defense i really wanted to be part of a cool fantasy plot. i had no idea how to be a christian beyond “uuuuh believe in god i guess” so it just faded away on its own. when i met this friend several years later, she was no longer christian. i think every childhood friend of mine who grew up in a christian family, was no longer christian when they grew up. most notably my closest internet friend whose family was catholic - she had several siblings, and each of them took a wildly different path, from hippie treehugger to laveyan satanist or something in that area. (i joined them for a sermon in a church when they visited my town. my phone went off during it because i had forgotten to silence it. oops!) ((i also really liked their mother’s interpretation of purgatory. she explained it as a bath, not fire. i like that.)) i have never had any personal negative experiences with christianity, despite being openly queer/gay/trans. the only time someone has directly told me i’m going to hell was some guy who saw me wearing a hoodie on norway’s constitution day. yeah i still remember that you bastard i’ve sworn to be spiteful about it till the day i die!! i’ve actually had much more insufferable interactions with the obnoxious kind of atheists - like yes yes i agree with you on a lot but that doesn’t diminish your ability to be an absolute hypocrite, it turns out? i remember going to see the movie ‘noah’ with a friend who had recently discovered reddit atheism and it was just really exhausting to discuss it with her. one of these Obnoxious Atheists is my Own Mother. which is a little strange, honestly, because she LOVES visiting churches for the Aesthetic and Architecture. we cannot go anywhere without having to stop by a pretty church to Admire and Explore. I’VE BEEN IN SO MANY CHURCHES FOR AN ATHEIST RAISED NON-CHRISTIAN. i’ve been to the vatican TWICE (i genuinely don’t even know how much of my extended family is christian. up north in the tiny village i come from, i believe my uncle is the churchkeeper, and it’s the only building in the area that did not get burnt down by the the nazis during ww2 - mostly because soldiers needed a place to sleep. still don’t know whether or not said uncle believes or not, because hey, it’s Personal) i think my biggest personal relationship to religion, and christianity specifically, has been academic. yeah, we learned a brief synopsis of world religions at school (and i remember the class used to be called ‘christianity, religion, and ethics’ and got changed to ‘religion, beliefs, and ethics’ which is cool. it was probably a big discourse but i was a teen who didnt care), but also my bachelor degree is in art history, specifically western art history because it’s a vast sprawling topic and they had to distill it as best they could SIGHS. western art history is deeply entangled with the history of the church, and i think the most i’ve ever learnt about christianity is through these classes (one of my professors wrote an article about how jesus can be interpreted as queer which i Deeply Appreciate). i also specifically tried to diversify my academic input by picking classes such as ‘depiction of muslims and jewish people in western medieval art’ and ‘art and religion’ when i was an exchange student in canada, along with 101 classes in anthropology and archaeology. because i think human diversity and culture is very cool and i want to absorb that knowledge as best as i can. i think my exchange semester in canada was the most religiously diverse space have ever been in, to be honest. now as an adult i have more christian friends again, but friends who chose it for themselves, and who practice in ways that sound good and healthy, like a place of solace and community for them. the vast majority of my friends are queer too, yknow?? i’ve known too many people who have seen these identities as fated opposites, but they aren’t, they’re just parts of who people are. it’s like... i genuinely love people having their faiths and beliefs so much. i love people finding that space where they belong and feel safe in. i love people having communities and heritages and connections. i deeply respect and admire opening up that space for faith within any other communities, like... if i’m going to listen to a podcast about scepticism and cults, i am not going to listen to it if it’s just an excuse to bash religion. i think the search for truth needs to be compassionate, always. you can acknowledge that crystals are cool and make people happy AND that multi level marketing schemes are deeply harmful and prey on people in vulnerable situaitons. YOU KNOW???? so now’s when i bring up Apocalypse Comic again. one of the things i really did like about it was, ironically, how it handled religion. in its setting, people have returned to old gods, and their magic drew power from their religion. characters from different regions had different beliefs and sources. in the first arc, they meet the spirit of a lutheran pastor, who ends up helping them with her powers. it was treated as, in the creators own words, ‘just another mythology’. and honestly? i love that. it was one of the nicest depictions i’ve seen of christianity in fiction, and as something that could coexist with other faiths. I Vibe With That. and then, uh, then... bunny dystopia comic. it just... it just straight up tells you christianity is literally the only way to..?? be a good person??? i guess?? i’m still kind of struggling to parse what exactly it wanted to say. the evil social media overlord bird tells you the bible makes you a DANGEROUS FREETHINKER, but the comic also treats rewriting the bible or finding your own way to faith as something,, Bad. The Bible Must Remain Unsullied. Never Criticize The Bible. also, doing good things just for social media clout is bad and selfish. you should do good things so you don’t burn in hell instead. is that the message? it reads a lot like the comic creator already had the idea for the comic, but only got the urge to make it after she was converted and needed to spread the good word. you do you i guess!! i understand that she’s new to this and probably Going Through Something, and this is just a step on her journey. but the absolute self-loathing she described in her afterword... it does not sound good. i’m just some agnostic kid so what do i know, but i do not think that kind of self-flagellating is a kind faith to have for yourself. i might not ever have been properly religious, but you know what i AM familiar with? a brain wired for ocd and intrusive thoughts. for a lot of my life i’ve struggled with my own kind of purity complex. i’ve had this really strange sensitivity for things that felt ‘tainted’. i’ve experienced having to remove more and more words from my vocabulary because they were Bad and i did not want to sully my sentences. it stacked, too - if a word turned out to be an euphemism for something, i could never feel comfortable saying it again. i still struggle a bit with these things, but i have confronted these things within myself. i’ve had to make myself comfortable with imperfection and ‘tainted’ things and accept that these are just, arbitrary categories my mind made up. maybe that’s the reason i can’t do organized religion even if i found one that fit for me - just like diets can trigger disordered eating, i think it would carve some bad brainpaths for me. so yeah i’m worried i guess! i’m worried when people think it’s so good that she finally found the correct faith even if it’s causing all this self-hate. is there really not a better way? or are they just trusting she’ll find it? and yeah it’s none of my concern, it’s like, i worry for jkr too but i do not want her within miles of my trans self thANKS. so like, i DO enjoy media that explores faith and what it means for you. my favourite band is the oh hellos, which DOES draw on faith and the songwriter’s experience with it. because of my religious iliteracy most of it has flown over my head for years and i’m like “oh hey this is gay” and then only later realize it was about god all along Probably. i like what they’ve done with the place. also, stormlight archive - i had NO idea sanderson was mormon, the way he writes his characters, many of whom actively discuss religion and their relationship to it. i love that about the books, honestly. Media That Explores Religion In A Complex And Compassionate Way... we like that i’ve been thinking about my own stories too, and how i might want to explore faith in them. most of my settings are based on magic and it’s like, what role does religion have in a world where gods are real and makes u magic. in sparrow spellcaster’s story, xe creates? summons? an old god - brings them to life out of the idea of them. it’s a story about hubris, mostly. then there’s iphimery, the story where i am actively fleshing out a pantheon. there’s no doubt the gods are real in the fantasy version of iphimery, they are the source of magic and sustain themselves on slivers of humanity in exchange. but in the modern version, where they are mostly forgotten? that’s some room for me to explore, i think. especially the character of timian, who comes from a smaller town and moves to a large and diverse city. in the fantasy story, the guardian deity chooses his sister as a vessel. in the modern setting, that does not happen, and i don’t yet know what does, but i really want timian to be someone who struggles with his identity - his faith, his sexuality, the expectations cast upon him by his hometown... i’m sure it’s a cliché story retold through a million gay characters but i want to do it too okay. i want to see him carve out his own way of existing within the world because i care him and want to see him thrive!!! alrighty i THINK that’s all i wanted to write. thanks if you read all of this, and if you didn’t that’s super cool have a nice day !

[starlene]

A random assortment of thoughts about Så som i himmelen Helsinki:

As I said, it’s good. Really good. To be quite honest, in my opinion, it’s the best musical the theatre has done in ages, and not only because it’s a personal favourite.

They’re the biggest state-supported theatre that does musicals in Finland. Lately, in my opinion, their productions have been lacking in imagination and style – probably because they’ve kept going for a certain kind of Broadway musical that’s big on the entertainment value but not very deep, and in all likelihood, very strictly supervised by the original producers even when you’re putting up a non-replica production.

But this one, a story with some real depth and a lot of heart, done by an innovative creative team who are allowed to make a very different production from the original... it’s so good. I wish they’ll keep doing shows like this in the future, too – maybe even an original (non-jukebox) Finnish musical at some point?

Oh well, that’s just my two cents on the theatre, and their normal style certainly has its fans, too. Anyway. Here are some thoughts about the production itself:

Tuukka Leppänen as Daniel? A perfect fit, just as I knew he would be. And so is Oona Airola as Lena. Their love story is so sweet, they make it so clear that these two characters have fun together. The ending hurt a lot!

The cast is really good in general! The only casting choice that confuses me a little is Antti Timonen as Stig. He’s not a bad actor or singer at all, but the tone of his voice is rather different from, say, the original Stig Anders Ekborg. He sounds lighter and younger. I guess they wanted Daniel and Stig to be around the same age here, to give their rivalry a new spin... but I can’t help it, in my mind I still see Stig as a more mature man with a bigger, booming voice. Oh well! Just personal preference.

Speaking of Stig, when it comes to the script, I’ve always been a bit confused by the character in general. He’s a Lutheran priest, but when it comes to sex, he has very Catholic issues. Sure, his big problem is self-hatred and I guess that’s at the root of his sexual repression, but in my opinion, the character could do with some rewriting to make things clearer. In any case, he always reminds me of Frollo, and that’s definitely the case here, too.

I liked our Arne and Holmfrid a lot... but it has to be said, no one does the Arne & Holmfrid forgiveness/bromance arc like Morgan Alling and Linus Eklund Adolphson did in Stockholm. One of my favourite subplots of the show, especially so when done so perfectly. I miss them!

It was my seventh time seeing this musical and I still cried a lot, my mask felt kinda soggy by the end. There’s something about the music that really gets under my skin, in a good way.

Can’t wait to see this again to pay even more attention to Daniel. He’s got a nice balance of anxiety and his love for music overriding his self-consciousness. He may have a terrible, awkward time going to the local store to buy a bicycle – but at the choir rehearsal, if him pretending to be a gorilla helps people to learn music better, he’s going to do it. His reaction to the chaos during the first choir rehearsal was perfect, as was his reaction to Stig firing him.

I also really enjoyed Inger! She just had good vibes radiating from her. I need to pay more attention to her, too.

They had Small Daniel and Medium Daniel follow Big Daniel around (not in every scene or anything, but they popped up every now and then), and Medium Daniel played the violin 58 sekunder and the finale. A good choice, if you ask me – it made the finale, with Daniel reuniting with the both of them, feel a lot less over-the-top and awkward than in the other productions I’ve seen.

They really milked out the bit where Lena says it might be the time to paint another little angel on the school wall. Fredrik Kempe told us that when they were writing the show, the intention was that Lena was struck by a feeling she had just gotten pregnant with Daniel’s child (even though they made love for the first time just, like, fifteen minutes ago, so it’s not necessarily super realistic – but apparently, it’s based on a personal irl experience of someone involved), and she was feeling nervous to tell him. Here, she wasn’t nervous at all, and they were both so happy about it. Pretty cute, to be honest.

(My personal interpretation of the Stockholm production was that Lena knew she was having a child, but the father could’ve been one of her previous boyfriends... and that Daniel was just 100% happy for her, because by then, he knew that they were meant to be and that they would support each other through everything from now on. I still like my interpretation better! Maybe I’m just too boring for magical moments like that, but for me personally, her just miraculously knowing right away feels too unrealistic.)

It feels so, so sad to me that there were only a couple of hundred people in the huge theatre to enjoy this, because of the pandemic restrictions. Here in Finland, we’re currently stuck in a nonsense situation where everyone says they agree the restrictions should be lifted, but there’s some extremely strict legislation in place, and it’s taking the government forever to make the actual decision to reverse it. It’s got nothing to do with keeping people safe anymore, it’s just politics. I hate it. Since the whole damn plot is about doing things together, this show truly falls a bit flat when you feel like you’re all alone in the audience.

Even so, though, I had a great time. Certainly looking forward to seeing this again!

[nice-bright-colors]

Just to Recap.

Or vent, if you will.

It was nice to see old friends, and pick up where we left off last. More importantly it was the start of Jack saying goodbye.

A few of those people were glad to see him, and realize that he still has a lot of spunk left. He has basically gotten to that stage of ‘fuck you - I don’t have to listen, I have cancer’. Defiance. Great.

It was nice to hear from numerous people that they could tell I’ve lost weight. Nice to have people notice, since it’s been a while since seeing people.

My Dental Hygienist also commented on how I no longer looked like I was killing myself for my job. I could have kissed her, but with 3 levels of masks, a face shield, and rubber gloves what’s the point. Nonetheless, I could see her sincerity in her beautiful gray/green eyes.

I was a bit surprised with the numerous people who wanted to feel vindictive for me about my employment (or lack thereof) status. A handful of those friends felt anger with my former employer.

Then there was the guy who owned the house I was staying at. Highly intelligent and very down to earth. He and his wife are self-employed and making it all work. Granted he is in the Psychology field, and gets paid by School Districts and Insurance companies. For a guy about to turn 60, he sure has a different outlook on life - especially after being raised a strict Lutheran on a farm in Minnesota.

Numerous times I heard that “everything will work out for you, I just know it”. I like to share that sentiment as well, but right now I’m very afraid of what happens next. Given the fact we have to change Jack’s food and treatment plan, this just means more money out of what we (I) have left.

Plus right now nothing, including unemployment, coming in. That scares me immensely. I guess the next steps are to eliminate the vices I have left - coffee, beer, weed... it would be so much easier to just get hired.

Seven Year Itch. It was almost 7 years at that company, so naturally, it must be time to move on. Maybe a bit more unnatural would be the career shift I’m trying to make happen in my life right now. Everything I ever thought I was working towards took a couple of big shits during my career. First in 2008/09 during that economic downturn and then in 2020. Time to refocus.

I can do this. I can make things work. I will come out of this on top. I just won’t have any savings left, nor will I have any retirement funds left. Seems like ever since my early-mid 20’s I’ve had to reinvent myself every 10 years or so. Nothing quite like starting over again, before I turn 50.

[g0reoz]

for awhile i’ve been wanting to try talking about my experiences with ~religion~ and some of the effects it’s had on me. feel free to keep scrolling (if you don’t want to hear abt this or don’t feel like you can deal with the general vibe, i get it. ignore the post! your mental health is more important and you are by no means obligated to listen to anything like this :) ), but i’m gonna put a little bit under the cut. (tw: talkin about catholic school in general, p*dophilia mention, homophobia)

first of all, congratulations to me for figuring out how to make a cut in the first place. didn’t know how for awhile.

anyways, i wasn’t really going to do this because i’m awful at using words to articulate my feelings, but a lot has happened recently that‘s been getting on my nerves. this is kinda general so i guess it’s more for people who haven’t shared my experiences?

as most of you probably know from the reblogs, introduction, and half-joking comments about catholic school, i was raised in a super religious environment. my mom was a hardcore catholic, and my dad converted from being nondenominational to catholic when i was like. 8 years old (his parents are currently born-again christians or something like that, which is another story entirely). from a super young age, there was a lot of indoctrination-y stuff that was terrifying in hindsight. the religious kids books. the Jesus Music™️. the weekly church attendance. hell, even before catholic school started they decided to enroll my brother and i in a lutheran daycare. i was surrounded by “jesus loves me this i know” when i was two years old, and of you think that’s okay for a child i honestly don’t trust you. my parents made nightly prayers mandatory from the time i could speak.

things only got worse when i started going to a catholic school. i had to go there from the age of 4 to 14. that’s just under 2/3 of my life wasted. the first year was pretty preschool-y and normal, save for morning prayer hour and the occasional religious activity. from kindergarten on, though, all grades had to attend a weekly mass every friday during the school day. combined with the fact that i also had to go on sundays, my mental health was absolutely demolished from going to church twice a week. hearing the same hymns on repeat for over a decade really does something to you, man.

in each grade, we had a specific (mandatory!) class block dedicated to religion every day. to speedrun some of the more fun bits: i was exposed to the concept of hell as well as the possibility of me going there in first grade. i was told that it was an honor to be a martyr through the Saint Of The Week. our class had to act out some scenes from the gospels. every year we had these workbooks to do about Christian Morality and The Bible. in fourth grade my class was told that every time you sin, no matter how small it is, the door to heaven closes a bit more and that once it’s closed, you’re damned for good. (keep in mind that this teacher was also a LITERAL p*dophile and that he claimed putting your elbows on the pew in front of you while kneeling was a serious sin) in fifth grade, my teacher made some really serious accusations against a friend who she suspected to be gay. i barely had any real sex ed in middle school, since a lot of it was either outdated, abstinence, how to make a baby, or Christian Teachings like homophobia/monogamy/no sex until marriage (so i got to use videos on the internet to give myself some kind of sex ed). purity culture with the expectation of eventual procreation was shoved down my throat. my religion teacher in middle school was openly homophobic, transphobic, and ”pro life”. there was a question on one test where we had to say atheists and non christians were going to hell or we would instantly go down a grade in our final score. people were casually demeaned for being born female. this is all just a brief overview, but hopefully i was able to get the general point across.

not only did a lot of the religion being integrated into all of my classes kinda fuck with me, but the teachings i heard repeated at home and at church seemed to hit the hardest.

you aren’t worthy or deserving of love. this concept was pounded into me from every direction. at school masses. from my parents’ religious talks. in every other song that was on the christian radio station. from the fucking bible itself. in middle school, i definitely went through some shit that would’ve gone a lot better if i a) had better coping mechanisms and b) wasn’t being bombarded with the “we don’t deserve love” thing. to this day, this concept is one of the teachings that pisses me off the most. it’s always framed as “oh you’re a flawed person who doesn’t deserve shit in life but ~god~ is just sooo good and loves you so much that he won't eternally torture you for the sins of your ancestors! except yeah he will if you don’t roll over at his feet and worship him for how good he is. now get down on your knees” and never as “people are flawed and this is normal and natural. nobody is perfect but that doesn’t mean they can’t be loved and learn to love themselves.” we’re given the illusion that we can choose to serve a god who will punish us for disobedience, but then the only alternative is eternal suffering. it’s definitely an issue.

the whole culture of “you have to be cishet or just stop existing” that seems to exist in every catholic space i’ve been in is sickening. when i found out i was aromantic and asexual, i hated myself for it for awhile. i was the very thing my family and community despised. when i realized i was trans, it was ten times worse. i would have been so much better off without a family and environment where being lgbtq was openly condemned. i felt and still feel trapped by the teachings i don’t believe in because i know my family will never acknowledge me for who i am.

i was forced to take the eucharist before i could comprehend it, i hated reconciliation from day one, and i was recently confirmed against my will. but that’ll be another post at some point.

clearly this isn’t my whole life story, but before i cut this off i’d like to mention that it isn’t all specific things. sometimes it’s just the little pieces that add up. it gets to the point where standing in your church’s basement or hearing your parent pray over you to try helping with a situation or seeing holy water or hearing the phrase “god has a plan” sets off your fight or flight response. it gets to be where you have nightmares about your old school years after you’ve left it. you spend hours awake at night thinking about hell. this isn’t normal or healthy, and i really wish there was more i could do about it.

sorry if this was a mess, but i wanted to try getting some stuff out. hopefully in the future, i’ll be better at this. i’d really like to try explaining some things more in-depth, but i needed to test the waters first.

[scentedchildnacho]

Yes I am alright..he asked me if I went to the presbyterian church I said they would have made me walk 12 blocks to have a religious meal....I use to as homeless around 160 pounds....these people are really white phobic so I suspect them of being The French or germans...their too mean to be white people

I would have to be so victimized their party was ruined forever people burn stuff down around that church

I view it as creepy people who stalk around high schools to drug and rape minors and they are very obsessed with me that way I was hazed in high school and these are reefer phobic awful people who do nothing till Asians finally arrive

Nothing is done or accomplished until Asians arrive and they about those problems have to create factory compounds or their people could just be used by upper classes so

You could be forced into an upper class companion....and worked

Uhm Barcelona explained emergence as heresy.....the catharists would claim God was about not meat eating and complete passivism.....and the walldentsians slowly conflicted them till common ideas of no dogma ruled

Europeans get use to tourism payments so their too mean and rude like a European passport off the plane detainment so get off Me God you don't care about your reputation

Stop being Me worthless lazy freakshow

That's me the indigenous people are like good kind people it's sad but you can't practice here because it will all be conflicted on for refusing to create normal new jobs

If you ask me the indigenous people to have as servants are very luxurious to go to....they aren't normal to themselves they could just have a good cafe and kick us out it's us...

I probably will want to keep going back I would want to know these secrets of working with deformed child orphans....so

The hare Krishnas I guess largely invite meat workers as felons in to stop their self inflicted punishments...so it can't be too nice

I don't understand hyper activity in mentalism I was really disciplined to be girlish so

Indian appropriation act......of 1851....cave of swimmer cave paintings so I guess there is more ideas of how to stop sedentary mandates in indigenous policy

I would call latin churches or white as more about anti pornography laws of the 1970s latinism is still largely girls and boys considered for rabbinicals

Thats me about those men to that church they keep stalking into women's stuff when they have men's missions and chabad and all sorts of higher pay to report to feds and just use privilege to massacre women for a hideout

Protect themselves they could lower job wages back down to women's sustainability that gets rid of over population of males quick people who actually have to be disabled enough to prefer a pacifitarian caloric intake

We could have wind power and none of it goes to a commanding officer for a trade....no war man their repulsive go away

Latin Americans were actually displaced in france so I find them french people with their things

I just said at the time they did make me walk too much in this horrible of a conflict.....

Peace lady wanted to cut her own throat a lot for stalking people with Americans everywhere who could have their energy deployed in normal ways....

That's why her family would stay in contact with her so people didn't find her Japanese policy

I at least to the missing people who actually are the church just state I'm not actually with it and use their property minimally.....nor claim any ownership of it it's the feds

Their gross bitch and they just keep going into the church with no affiliation to it

That's their church and gross bitch kept going into the office like a jail fucker

The office lady at the Lutheran church looks like she commits felony intake body searches a fucker

They claim the down syndrome school isn't affiliated with the church so their pedophiles.....downs models it's to marry children so I never ever see anyone actually Lutheran looking ever go over there......

Well white art did like think about the 10.000 year only history so it's a church it's not a counter culture easy to like or be apart of

Anyway I just wanted to convey to him it's illegal to kill people.....so you think nobody homeless knows people and soon if they know all the help and your compass eventually a few people stop stealing other people's friends

So you should realize you don't have to go anywhere you don't want to go it's a horrible crisis and you can go around who you want to be your friends to care about not forced other homeless people I'm rude and quiet to other homeless people so they finally go to their money

Don't sit around poor with me go away you stink and have a disease too

Tzu chi with Taiwan they want to build little tiny houses so camped negroes have a Rowe and a Rowe garden.......

But negro camp situations are really freudian with all the eve ill included so im not sure how that would work......

Anyway I have still just been looking around for the cca and to do the self based off architectural example they have these metal tubes with holes all over them that look like a funnel with a large spout or a post modern idea of tons of car trash or actually a lot of affluance the land fill is a lot of wealth that just perishes.....

So like a tipi but a large metal tube that looks like a funnel.....anyway it's the idea that there is actually an abundance of stuff then there is all this unused profit in foundations from cow......