#Microscope Glass Slides

[gosciencecrazy]

Demystifying the Quest: A Guide to Shopping for Microscope Glass Slides

Microscope glass slides, those seemingly simple rectangles of glass, play a crucial role in the captivating world of microscopy. They serve as the stage for revealing the hidden details of specimens, from the intricate structures of cells to the captivating patterns of tiny minerals. Whether you're a seasoned scientist, a budding student, or simply someone curious about the microscopic world, choosing the right microscope glass slides is essential for obtaining accurate and insightful observations.

Understanding the Fundamentals: Types and Materials

Microscope slides come in two primary varieties: plain slides and pre-cleaned slides. Plain slides are ideal for users comfortable with the cleaning and preparation process, offering a cost-effective option. Pre-cleaned slides, as the name suggests, come ready for immediate use, saving valuable time and reducing the risk of contamination.

The material of a microscope slide is crucial. The most prevalent choice is borosilicate glass, also known as soda-lime glass. This type of glass offers superior qualities like:

Optical clarity: Allows for clear and unobstructed observation of specimens.

Chemical resistance: Withstands exposure to various chemicals used in slide preparation and staining techniques.

Durability: Can endure high temperatures and repeated use without compromising integrity.

While borosilicate glass remains the standard, other specialized materials exist for specific applications. For instance, polystyrene slides are ideal for disposable use and charged slides are utilized to adhere specific types of specimens.

Choosing the Right Size and Thickness

Microscope slides follow standardized dimensions for compatibility with most microscopes. The typical size is 75 millimeters (mm) long by 25 mm wide (3 inches by 1 inch). However, some specialized applications might require variations in size, such as petri dish slides used for cell cultures.

Thickness also plays a role in choosing the right slide. Standard thickness ranges from 0.9 mm to 1.2 mm (0.035 inches to 0.047 inches). Thicker slides offer increased stability and are preferred for handling delicate specimens, while thinner slides allow for better light transmission and may be advantageous for specific observation techniques.

Additional Features and Considerations: Frosted Ends and Cover Glasses

Certain slides come with frosted ends, providing a designated area for labeling with sample information. This labeling area ensures clear identification and prevents confusion when working with multiple slides.

Cover glasses are thin, rectangular pieces of glass placed on top of the specimen on the slide. They protect the specimen, improve image clarity, and facilitate the use of specific immersion oils for higher magnification observations.

When choosing cover glasses, ensure they are compatible with the size and thickness of your chosen slides.

Also Read:

Exploring the World of Lab Glassware: A Comprehensive Guide to Shopping Online

Exploring the World of Physics: A Guide to Shopping for Physics Equipment

The Burette: A Vital Tool in the Chemist’s Arsenal

Where to Shop for Microscope Glass Slides: Online Retailers and Scientific Suppliers

Several avenues are available for purchasing microscope slides. Online retailers offer a wide selection and competitive pricing, making them a convenient option. However, it's crucial to choose reputable vendors with established track records in supplying scientific equipment.

Scientific suppliers, often catering to laboratories and educational institutions, can provide expert advice and guarantee high-quality products. They might also offer bulk discounts for larger purchases.

Essential Tips for Making an Informed Purchase

Here are some key pointers to consider before buying microscope slides:

Identify your specific needs: Understand the type of specimens you'll be studying and choose slides suited for those applications.

Consider your budget: Compare prices from various vendors while prioritizing quality over solely focusing on the lowest cost.

Read reviews and compare brands: Look for information from other users and research the reputation of different brands before making a purchase.

By understanding the essential factors, exploring available options, and following these helpful tips, you can confidently navigate the world of microscope slide shopping and embark on your journey into the captivating realm of microscopic exploration.

Source: https://bit.ly/3vg9Ar5

[5mind]

its so interesting reading characters figuring out whether theyre in love or not (esp if its their first time) and tbh i feel like it might be because ive just never gotten deep into feeling anyways abt someone else to have even gone through all that. So its like...fascinating to me lmao

+ this will be so useful for writing ship >:3

[kitten4sannie]

antithesis

pairing: peter parker/venom! yunho x gf! reader

genre: spider man au, smut

summary: your boyfriend is going through a phase.

w.c: 3.3k (porn with a microscopic amount of plot)

warnings: dom! yunho, sub! reader, venom should have his own warning bc bro is NASTYY (so is yuyu 🤝🏻), partial mind manipulation? on yunho’s part? bc venom is in his head? idk, praise/degradation, pet names/name calling, teasing, fingering, hand kink….,, SIZE KINK., manhandling, pussy eating, tongue kink, raw feral sex (doggy + missionary), bro has a monster cock, also monster fucking!! bc venom takes over <3, cum eating, breeding kink, bulge kink, dacryphilia, mind break, record breaking creampie

a/n: listen …….i LOVE venom, the things i would let venom do to me would set humanity back at least fifty years. NOW VENOM YUNHO ON THE OTHER HAND,, oh boy. boyyyy oh boy. i don’t think i have to explain myself when it comes to that combination bc this fic speaks for itself lol. are you curious now? why don’t you give it a peek then, hm? (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧ and then lemme know what you thought of it pretty please? <3

song rec: new woman - lisa feat. rosalía (get it bc he’s a new man - bc of venom - 😼)

fictober 2024

“And just where have you been, Jeong Yunho?” you asked your boyfriend in a more teasing manner than anything, once he snuck in past the sliding glass door of the balcony, getting up from the couch you were waiting restlessly on. When he stood there silently just looking at you through the white eye-shaped sections of his mask, you pouted, nervously wrapping a lock of hair around your finger. “Just be honest with me and I won’t be mad, okay?” 

Despite the lack of sleep, you were ready for him this time. He wasn’t about to casually sneak in or out of the house another night that week without you catching him. Usually, you wouldn’t have been concerned because you were used to him being gone when there was crime taking place or a super villain that needed to be brought to justice, but recently…your boyfriend was acting strange. He was starting to become moody and secretive, opting to brush you off when you asked him about it. Yunho had even taken up using substances in his free time, finding him drunk or high off his ass in the apartment when you got home from work. The final straw was when you came home one night to find him in the kitchen with freshly dyed hair and new piercings he had given himself, a few empty boxes of black hair dye and bloody safety pins laying haphazardly on the kitchen counter. 

Yunho took off his mask and rubbed at his eyes like he was tired, leaving a bit of smeared eyeliner underneath them, before shoving his hands into the pockets of his frayed jacket, the one that was slightly zipped just enough to cover his iconic red suit. 

“She knows about us,” said the annoying parasite that had just recently made a home inside him. “We should eat her.”

“No, I’m not doing that,” Yunho grumbled, running his fingers through his hair in frustration. 

You walked up to him, gently putting a hand on his chest. “Yun, I just wanna know where you were at, that’s all. You know I respect your space,” you murmured, your pout growing slightly, your eyebrows upturned with concern. 

“She’s looking at us with those big round eyes again, Yunho,” Venom told his host, letting out a disgusting groan only he could hear. “It’s gonna make us hard. If we’re not going to eat her, let’s fuck her, at least.” 

“Mingi asked me to take care of some douchebags that had been causing trouble at that new club he works at. That’s all, baby,” Yunho replied softly, reaching down to press the back of his hand against your cheek, before cupping it. He noticed the teary look inside your doe eyes. “Hey, are you okay?” 

You nuzzled into his big warm hand, before reaching up and wrapping your arms around his neck to hold your boyfriend close. “I’m fine…I’ve just been worried about you, Yun. You’ve been acting a bit…different.” 

“Let’s show her just how different we’ve become, Yunho,” Venom egged him on, knowing Yunho could feel just how much he wanted to break through the barrier of his host’s mind and take control. “She’ll love it.”

How could he possibly explain to you that he was always in a never-ending battle with a frightening otherworldly parasite that had found its way inside of him? You would be so scared and disgusted, you’d probably never trust him again. He couldn’t risk losing you, not when you were his only anchor to the normal life he desperately craved, and the first person he’s ever felt this strongly about. 

“I’m just going through a phase, I think,” Yunho expressed wholeheartedly, resting his hands around your waist, his thumbs slightly pressing into your hip bones through your sleep shirt, feeling just how delicate you truly were. You were so small compared to him, practically swimming in one of his band t-shirts that you regularly wore to bed; you were so tiny and cute, and…”Malleable,” Venom finished. Yunho couldn’t tell if the parasite was influencing all of his thoughts or if he was just that perverted. 

“Do you wanna talk about it, Yun?” You pressed yourself closer to Yunho, feeling his large hands enclose around your small waist, making you feel a bit dizzy. When he shook his head, you tilted yours, wondering if what you felt pushing against your middle was exactly what you thought it was. “Or, do you want to take me to bed?” 

It had felt like forever since Yunho had touched you, kissed you even. You had almost forgotten what it was like to feel him inside you, filling you up over and over again until his love spilled out. Just the thought alone made your body begin to overheat. Was it wrong of you to take his simple answer at face value? Should you have pushed the issue, instead of letting him push you back into the wall of the hallway? You weren’t sure, but you were just grateful that your boyfriend still wanted you like this. 

“Did punching those guys at the club make you this horny?” you asked playfully, a sudden shiver of pleasure shooting up your spine when Yunho’s warm hands snaked up underneath your shirt and began groping at your tits.

“So horny,” Yunho joked back, watching you instantly melt underneath his touch, a shaky exhale escaping his bobbing throat as he swallowed. 

 “Nnngh, I didn’t know fighting crime did it for you, Yun.” 

“Knowing I’m already getting your little pussy wet just from this is what’s doing it for me, baby,” he whispered into your ear, having to practically lower himself to your height just to do so, able to clearly hear the breathless moan that left your lips. Yunho was already breathing hard, his mind swimming with constant racing thoughts that all pertained to his pretty little girlfriend and what he was going to do to you, squishing your soft flesh in between his slender fingers, using his thumbs to rub your hardening nipples in teasing circles. 

It had felt like eternity since Yunho had allowed himself to feel you underneath his touch, to even simply look at you with unbridled lust. He wanted to see all of you, witness the way you completely opened yourself up to him. It was driving him insane. Was it selfish of him to give into temptation when there was something else living inside him? Something that he knew was taking even more pleasure in this than he was? He wasn’t exactly sure, but he knew it was far too late to stop now. 

“Let us see her tits, Yunho, they feel so nice inside our hands, we need to see,” Venom demanded, desperately shaking the bars of his figurative cage. 

When Yunho tugged your shirt up and over your tits, your gasp became muffled, your eyes widening as he stuffed the hem of the shirt into your mouth. You were going to close your legs to keep your arousal from spilling down your thighs, but your eager boyfriend pushed his larger one in between them. 

“You’re so pretty, angel,” Yunho cooed softly, admiring the way you began to grind your cunt against his thigh, despite the sheepish expression you offered him, a bit of drool escaping the corner of his mouth from witnessing such a display of pure desperation. “Look at you go…rubbing yourself all over my thigh like a horny little slut.” 

“N-not a slut,” you whimpered softly, his insult causing a fresh wave of slick to leak out onto Yunho’s torn jeans. “Just need you, Yuyu.” 

“Her breeding hole needs to be trained to handle my size. Do it now,” Venom growled into Yunho’s mind, growing more and more demanding by the second, very aware that his host was starting to lose control of himself. 

“Yeah? How about this?” Yunho pulled your panties to the side so that he could watch as your greedy cunt swallowed up one of his long, bony fingers to the knuckle. “Is that enough, baby?” 

“I meant with your human sized cock, you insufferable prick,” Venom chided, simply not understanding the pleasurable benefits that prolonged foreplay could offer being the uninhibited hothead that he was. 

Something about the way Yunho was taking his time unraveling you, the way he was drinking in the sight of your bare body with pure lust inside his eyes, with only a single digit plunged inside you so far made you pulse and squeeze around it. “F-full.”  

“But I barely fit one finger inside you, sweetheart. What’ll happen if I put another?” Yunho suddenly tugged your borrowed t-shirt up and over your head, leaning in close to your face to catch the way your breath hitched as soon as he slipped another finger inside, curling them just enough to hit your sweet spot each time he finger-fucked you, earning a few whiny moans from his beloved girlfriend. “Oh, that’s right. You turn into my little sex toy, don’t you?” 

“Y-esss, Yuyu, just for you, fuck,” you cried out, hooking your arms around his neck to keep yourself from completely melting into the floor. 

“That’s a good girl,” he groaned into your ear, quickly stuffing his slippery digits into you, incapable of getting Venom’s ungodly thoughts out of his head all the while. Fuck, he was feeling hot, dizzy. His head and cock were throbbing. He needed more. They needed more. He had no choice but to shove a third finger into you, your slick walls pulsating around him. “You think you’re feeling full now…just wait till my cock’s inside you.”

Gasping, your nails dug into his back through his clothes. “Oh my god, Yunho, give it to me, please, please, please,” you whined breathlessly into his neck, trembling in his arms as overwhelming pleasure washed over you. “N-need you inside.” 

“Fuck, I can’t believe you’re already begging to be fucked like that. I almost forgot how needy you are when you want cock. You like the thought of me stretching out your little pussy that much, huh?” He smiled darkly against your heated skin, slowly dragging his tongue along it as you whimpered and nodded your head to his obscene question, not allowing you to witness the brief moment his eyes turned completely black. “I just might split you open.” 

You almost didn’t recognize your boyfriend when he tossed you onto your shared bed like you weighed close to nothing, and you certainly didn’t recognize him when he manipulated your limbs until you were laying with your head down against the mattress and your ass up in the air. Usually, he wanted to do missionary, so that he could kiss and look at you when you both came undone, but now, now he had you in a position that was apparently ‘perfect for breeding’, or at least, that’s what you thought you had heard him mumbling about from behind you. 

“Now’s the time, human. We must show her how great we are,” the alien reminded Yunho, delighted that his black parasitic poison was now making its way through his host’s veins, showing up from underneath his milky skin. It was changing him in ways that would most definitely benefit all three of you. 

Yunho squeezed his large hands into the sides of your ass and spread it open, hyper focused on your dripping cunt and how it struggled to accommodate his ungodly size. “Poor baby’s so tiny, my little princess can barely take me inside her pretty cunt,” he sighed, pulling out just enough to send a few strands of spit onto his own cock, lubing up the base of it and pushing back in, a shiver of pleasure shooting up his spine as soon as he heard the broken cry that left your drooling mouth. “Looks like we’re going to have to break you in.” 

You felt like you were losing your mind. Your boyfriend had just barely bottomed out inside of you and you were already about to cream yourself. And, it might’ve been the cock-drunk state you were in, but you swore to god that his dick got bigger. It felt like it was kissing your cervix already and he hadn’t even moved yet. Not to mention, it felt so hot inside you, and there was so much pre-cum coating your walls, you almost thought he had came prematurely, but he would’ve been asleep and snoring away already if he did. 

Yunho violently interrupted your train of thought by slamming his hips forward, letting out a deep, long groan as though he were experiencing euphoria. He grabbed your wrists and held them behind your back, tucking them together so that he could hold them both with one large hand, and quickly got to work, yanking you back onto his cock, using you like his own personal sex doll. “That’s fucking it, isn’t it, angel? You like that? You fucking like that?” 

“Nnh, yeah– fuck me, don’t stop,” you moaned back, realizing this ‘phase’ of Yunho’s was one of the best things that could’ve ever happened to the both of you, previously unaware that something this rough and borderline animalistic could feel as good as it did. 

“She’s ours, she’s ours, Yunho, fuck, we’re going to cum inside her,” Venom blissfully announced into Yunho’s head, fully taking over his host in that very instant, gracing Yunho with the symbiote’s much more endowed features. 

It was then that you let out a sudden gasp, the air that quickly filled your lungs leaving as a wavering moan of pleasure instead. It was almost as if Yunho’s cock had grown twice in size. You didn’t even know how that was possible, but you were too lost in the moment to question it. “So big, it’s so fucking big, Yunho, nnnngh, it’s gonna break me,” you exhaled, quickly pulling at the sheets once he gifted you partial physical autonomy, your eyes beginning to disappear underneath your lashes. 

“That’s right, pretty girl, and you’re going to keep taking it all, even after I’m done impregnating you,” Yunho agreed huskily, bending over you until his overheated body pressed into your shoulders and back, his long fingers curling around the softness of your hips once again. Just as his never-ending seed spilled into you and made its way into your womb, Yunho dragged his long, heavy tongue up in between your straining shoulder blades and along your neck, savoring your flavor. He truly wanted to eat you, unable to stop drooling, but the annoying mortal he shared this body with wouldn’t let him. Venom figured he would have to settle for the next best thing.  

You didn’t even have a chance to finish shaking, let alone take a breath, before you were being lifted up and lowered back down onto your boyfriend’s face, your cunt fitting snugly between the curves of Yunho’s lips and nose. Just as he lapped at your extremely sensitive clit and slit, you couldn’t help but jolt away, his forearms suddenly locking tightly around your middle. “O-oh…!” 

“Hold still. Need a taste of this pretty cunt,” Yunho growled under his breath, angling his head back and opening his mouth wide enough so that he could explore the entirety of your used cunt, licking and drinking up the mixed arousal that spilled out of you to his heart’s content.

“Y-yunhooo,” you whined pathetically, reaching forward to hold onto the headboard to keep yourself from passing out from the pleasure that was overloading your mind, looking down to watch how he eagerly nosed at your clit. “Fuck, i’ll cum again…” 

“Then, do it, princess.” Just as he swallowed down more of your wetness, he realized it wasn’t enough, unable to keep himself from sliding the entirety of his tongue inside you, feeling you clench around the base of it. 

“Oh my god, your tongue, it’s so–haaaah,” you reacted breathlessly, digging your nails into the wood of the headboard, the longer his serpent-like tongue slithered in and out of you so seamlessly, unable to fully understand how any of this was possible. When the thickest part of his appendage rubbed at your g-spot, you saw white around your vision, your ears ringing, unable to hear the filthy slurping sounds Yunho was making underneath you as he drank up your squirt. 

When you came to, you were back underneath Yunho, in the missionary position he loved so much, yet this time it was profoundly different. His eyes were as dark as his freshly dyed hair, one corner of his mouth split open, inviting a myriad of long, serrated fangs, all while black wispy tendrils clung onto one side of his face like a second skin. You realized too late why Yunho was acting so out of character, and that you were never actually alone with him the past few weeks. You had an uninvited guest, an alien symbiote known as Venom, to be exact — and here you were, face to face with him, his massive alien cock stretching your used cunt open to the point of no return.

“Oh god, you’re actually going to split me open, what the fuck,” you gasped sharply, clutching the sides of Yunho’s cheeks, your fingers tugging at the ends of his sweaty hair. 

“Silly human, as much as we’d enjoy seeing that, you won’t split apart. You have a prime body for breeding, didn’t you know?” he chuckled darkly in a two-toned voice, pressing his hand down into your abdomen to feel the sheer size of himself protruding through your lower belly each time his hips routinely smacked into yours. “We knew Spider-man’s pretty little girlfriend would make a perfect host for our offspring. Just look at you, you’re taking us so well.” 

You didn’t know what was going to break your mind first, the fact that you were essentially being used as a breeding tool for an alien that would take great pleasure in swallowing you whole, or the fact that your cunt was eagerly swallowing up something so absurdly large, its heavy girth and width stretching you so wide, it felt as though you would fall apart at any given time. Despite the insanity of it all, your body and mind welcomed it, creaming yourself on his throbbing cock. 

“Good girlll,” Yunho praised, letting his long slimy tongue slip out to lick up the side of your cheek until he tasted the salt of your tears. He fully sheathed himself inside you one last time, before his large hands cemented around your waist, holding you completely still as his hot load joined the other one he had previously fucked into you, his heavy breaths warming the skin of your neck. “That’s it, you dirty slut, take it all, just like that…” 

You could hardly breathe, let alone move, simply laying still in your boyfriend’s arms, taking everything he gave you, as wave after wave of cum coated the insides of your aching cunt and flooded womb, some of it spilling down the insides of your legs and dripping onto the stained sheets below. It felt so good to be filled up in such a way, to be truly bred, that you came again without direct stimulation, letting out a broken cry, before Yunho silenced you with a gentle kiss. 

When you opened your teary eyes, your boyfriend’s previously monstrous traits were gone, instead replaced with his usual soft, flushed features that you adored so much. You watched him open and close his mouth, as if he didn’t know what to say. You pressed another kiss to his lips, weakly running your fingers through his hair. “Should we go to the drugstore to get Plan B?”

Yunho gave you a goofy, though apologetic smile, leaning his face into your neck to give it a few kisses. He pulled himself back up to face you, his eyebrows upturned. “D-do you think it would work on an alien symbiote?” 

You patted his head, knowing what you signed up for when you decided to date the Spider-man, figuring one of his superhero friends would have a solution for the both of you. You gave him a soft smile, happy when he returned it. “If not, let’s get a refund.” 

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© kitten4sannie, 2024.

[pathologicalharmony]

does anyone else want to absolutely devour these or do i just have a deep desire to eat glass and these are more achievable

[ceilidho]

fear of god

There's someone outside the spacecraft. You don't remember them being part of the crew. Part 10 masterlist

-

Only after incinerating the original samples do you second guess your actions.

Too late by then. By the time it occurs to you that it might’ve been smarter to keep the samples to reference later, they’re already in biohazard bins, autoclaved and in the process of being incinerated, flames dancing behind the glass. 

You can only watch dispassionately. Mistakes made in crisis; you keep yielding to the thin stretch of fear across the vanishing point of your paranoia and hoping you won’t make the same mistake again, only to repeat the same pattern. 

Over lunch in the mess, you bite back your anxiety and ask Gaz to come by the lab in the morning in order to draw another vial of blood. He spreads his legs under the table until his knees taps against yours.

There’s a glint in his eye when he smiles. “Something wrong with the one from yesterday?”

Stare and swallow your pride. “I…accidentally contaminated it. Can you come by?”

“Of course, doctor. Anything for you.”

You grit your teeth to avoid snapping at him in front of everyone else, the mess full for a change. Under the table, you press your knees together until your legs tremble. 

True to his word, Gaz comes by first thing in the morning, perky enough to rub you the wrong way. You slept poorly again though, so it’d be hard to rub you the right way. 

“You look tired, love,” Gaz observes quietly, the paper crinkling under him as he sits himself down on the exam table.

“I am tired.” Your voice is subdued, weary, but somehow the thought of being vulnerable in front of him doesn’t scare you the way it once did. Your dynamic these days is an interesting one. Two people in on the same secret. It makes you feel almost close to him in a way, a shared intimacy that doesn’t extend to the rest of the crew. 

“Didn’t get enough sleep?” he asks.

“No, I—” 

A man stands at the end of a long corridor, shrouded in darkness.

You are powerless to stop him unless he wants to be stopped.

He is coming for you. He is holding out his hand and waiting for you to take it.

You rub your forehead where it aches. “No. Not enough.”

Hadir follows not long after, the door sliding shut behind him as you prep the syringe. You don’t respond when he says good morning, not in the mood for pleasantries or conversation with everything else going on. It’s hard to feel up to being friendly when this whole situation feels like a thinly veiled attempt to monitor you, like you’re the untrustworthy one when two feet away, Gaz sits with a serene smile on his face and twiddles his thumbs. 

There’s a small pleasure in plunging a needle into his vein again, but you’re not cruel enough to try and make it hurt. You’re not even sure if you could. 

He doesn’t so much as wince. 

You’re much more efficient about it with Hadir hovering over your shoulder, immediately transferring Gaz’s blood into capillary tubes after drawing it from him and flitting to the other side of the room to place the tubes into the centrifuge. It’s not a long wait—ten minutes tops—but you spend it hunched over the centrifuge. On the other side of the room, Gaz and Hadir chit chat like nothing’s wrong. 

The second the centrifuge beeps, you pop the lid and remove the tubes. Perfectly separated; no different than the day before. You repeat the same steps as Hadir watches, pipetting the supernatant fluid into a new test tube and preparing the slides, shoulders tense the whole time. Waiting for him to stop and correct you. 

It never comes—as it shouldn’t. You may not be above question, but you’re good at your job. You wouldn’t have messed up something as simple as a blood test of all things.

Then, you sit down in front of the microscope. 

Something in your gut tells you what’s going to happen before it does. You slip the slide under the microscope and lean forward into the eyepiece only to find perfectly normal red blood cells. No strange wandering cells bending into confounding shapes. Just erythrocytes sitting peacefully on the blood smear slide, not overlapping and not too widely spread apart.

You look over at Gaz when Hadir takes your place, the man still sitting on the examination table as if waiting for your permission to leave. The smile on his face is as placid as ever, almost affectionate. You’d almost believe it too, if you didn’t know any better. 

Why are you doing this? You wish you could just ask him outright. It borders on the cruel. Like a humiliation ritual, the both of you knowing that the blood cells under the microscope aren’t what they seem. Why are you putting me through this?

His eyes twinkle. Because I can, they say. 

It doesn’t take Hadir very long to come to the same conclusion as you. 

“Looks all good to me,” Hadir pronounces, smiling brightly when he pulls away from the eyepiece. “See, doc? Yesterday’s must’ve been a fluke.”

You nod instead of answering. It seems trivial to respond with words; nothing you could say would express the deep well opening up inside of you, the ever widening gap between you and the reality you once took for granted. All you can do is sit there in silence as the two of them leave together.

That seemingly no one aside from you can seem to articulate or even comprehend the magnitude of the situation at hand is starting to get to you. 

Deep within every quiet corner of the universe lie the seeds of destruction; a throbbing, cancerous heart. There’s no epiphany there though, no revelation or moment of enlightenment to shock you to your core—you know that life and death are inextricably intertwined, an egg nesting within another egg. Supermassive black holes at the centre of galaxies. Figs and wasps. Beginnings and endings.

Now one is knocking at your door, asking to come in.

The day severs itself into two when Farah finds you making a cup of tea in the galley. Your guard is already up when the door slides open and she marches in, so geared up to be scolded that you flinch at the sound of the door sliding shut. 

“We need to talk,” Farah says. Her tone brooks no argument. You’ve been dreading this confrontation, but you aren’t particularly shocked by its arrival. News travels fast in confined spaces; gossip faster. You knew from the second that you got Hadir involved after promising that you wouldn’t share your misgivings about Gaz with anyone other than Farah that this would be coming.

“Now?”

“If you’re not busy.”

You’re not and you know she knows that, so instead of arguing you just nod and pour your tea down the sink, following her out of the galley.

She steers you down a hallway away from the main corridor that leads towards the brig and several supply rooms. At the end of the hall, the brig just around the bend behind her, Farah stops and turns to face you, arms across her chest. Her face is set in a stern cast. 

“Why did you ask Hadir to help you with a blood test? He’s not the ship’s medic.”

That being her first question does come as a surprise. You’d assumed she’d immediately tear into you about involving Hadir in your arrangement, not interrogate you about leaning on another crew member for advice and support. 

“I didn’t ask him to. He volunteered.”

“Why did he volunteer?”

“I…thought there was something wrong with Gaz’s blood sample from the other day. I asked him if he could confirm if there was something wrong. I just needed a second pair of eyes.”

A terrible idea in retrospect. You should��ve anticipated Hadir’s reaction and the subsequent fallout. 

“He told me about what you said yesterday. About Gaz. Do I need to be concerned?”

“Well, I am concerned about Gaz. If you’d seen his blood the other day—”

“I mean concerned about you.”

You blink, floored. “Concerned about me?” you ask in bewilderment. “What did I do?” 

“You told Hadir that you didn’t think Gaz was human. How is anyone supposed to take that? You might not like him, but he's part of the crew now, and insinuating that about someone on the crew is—”

“Wait, wait—I’m sorry I got Hadir involved when I said I wouldn’t, but—I thought when you said you’d keep an eye on Gaz that it meant you…had similar suspicions.”

She looks at you strangely. “I never promised to keep an eye on Gaz. What are you talking about?”

Her response leaves you at a loss for words. Suddenly and acutely aware that you have been having two separate conversations—you assuming that Farah’s frustration stemmed from involving her brother when she previously asked you not to, and her assuming something entirely different. 

“Yes, we did,” you insist. “You told me the other day that you would as long as—”

Something moves in the shadows. 

Your eyes flick towards it instinctively. Then your body goes rigid.

A slender, dark eyed woman watches you from the end of the hall, her lips tilted up in an enigmatic grin. Half-shrouded in shadow, you notice her only because you catch her moving in your peripheral vision when she shifts her weight to one leg. You notice first the familiar stripped headscarf wrapped around her head. Then, the smaller details of her face—full eyebrows and aquiline nose, the soft rounded corners of her jaw pulled tight with her smile. 

“Doctor?” the Farah in front of you asks. Your tongue feels heavy in your mouth, blood pressure spiking. 

The other woman takes a step into the light. It’s Farah in shape and appearance, but there’s something off about it. Like you’re aware now of something intrinsically lesser about it when shown in opposition to the real thing. 

The Farah in front of you frowns, concerned at your sudden silence. You’re aware now of how much more solid she is, real as a gut punch. Real as grass beneath your feet back on Earth or the heat of the sun on your face, all dulled out in space.

“Did we talk the other day?” you ask. “The other day—after the navigation system was fixed?”

And her eyes say it before her lips do. 

“We haven’t spoken in days. I stayed back to help Alex after that meeting.”

Cold reality flashes briefly before you: hollow voices and replicas. What have your eyes been seeing? Reality laps against the smoothened rocks of your mind. Do you know what’s happening to you?

Can you trust what’s really in front of you?

The thing behind Farah wearing her face approaches without sound, coming closer and closer until it stands right beside her, mirroring her stance, its face screwing itself into a similarly serious expression. Double vision. Your vision is blurry around the edges, fear making you tremble something fierce. 

You keep waiting for Farah to notice it standing right beside her, for her to suddenly turn her head and see it there, but she doesn’t. She stares at you with mounting concern. 

And then you blink, the two versions blurring and then overlapping. 

Your throat makes a sound like a whimper. You take a step back, the metal clang of your boot against the floor jarring in the silence. 

“I have to go,” you whisper, the blood draining from your face, your lips almost numb.  

She calls after you when you turn around, hurrying back down the hall whence you came, but you don’t stop, breaking into a run when you hear Farah come after you.

Rat in a maze. Mouse in a trap. You scurry down corridors knowing that there’s no place to run to. At every point, there is a wall past which you cannot go. Hauntingly familiar twists and turns, everything saturated with the memory of itself, the same walls you’ve seen innumerable times. The ship fills with low creaks and hollow sounds, cramped quarters and over familiarity to the point of suffocation. 

And then the nothingness that waits for you right outside the ship. Billions upon billions of miles of dark emptiness surrounding you, only occasionally interrupted by pockets of cold clouds of gas, even more seldomly coming together in precisely the right way for a star or planet to be born. 

Set in contrast with the vast infinity just beyond your walls, the ship feels impossibly small. A tiny speck floating through the cosmos. 

You wish you could wrench a window open and climb out of it. 

You can feel it swell up in your chest at first, bigger and bigger, stretching you around its immensity. Suddenly unable to take in a full breath, your chest too tight for your lungs to fill. Your body is somewhere else behind you, on a ship drifting through space, no certainty that you’ll ever return home. Earth is so far away—tens of millions of miles away from you and no way to get back. 

There’s a hand on your nape suddenly. 

“Hey,” a low voice murmurs. “Are you alright, love?” 

You don’t answer, heaving for breath. Chest collapsing in on itself. A dying star; tiny, tiny light flickering in and out of existence. Hands sweating profusely. Heart hammering against your chest so hard it hurts. 

“I’m with you, love—I’m not going anywhere.”

The voice murmurs low in your ear again, susurrus but too far away for you to make out. Then, a hand on your low back guiding you away, tucking you into a soft, warm place. You go with it. Dark. No blinding artificial lights blinding you. 

“C’mon, breathe with me,” the voice guides you. “Deep breaths. In, out, in, out—”

You follow their instructions, taking in a shaky breath and holding before expelling it. 

“There you go—that’s good,” he praises softly.

The come down is rough. All that adrenaline dumping straight out of you, heart still lurching in your chest. You’ve never had a panic attack before, but you know what to expect in the aftermath and it doesn’t disappoint. You might as well have been hit by a truck for how much your body aches. 

When you finally have the wherewithal to look around and take stock of the situation, you notice that you’re in someone else’s quarters, the lights dimmed until only a sliver of light penetrates through the dark. It’s one of the smaller rooms, no porthole to gaze out through into the blackness of space—only a cot and a folding table mounted into the wall. 

Crouched in front of you, your limp hands held in his while his thumbs rub soothing circles on the backs of your hands, is Gaz. 

Your horror is a beast on the periphery of your consciousness. Too depleted for it to overwhelm you. But you feel it balloon in your chest even though it doesn’t have the strength to move you. 

“Love, listen—shh, no, no, no,” Gaz shushes you when you try to cry out. “No, enough, you need to calm down. Just let me speak, alright?” 

He shuffles closer to you until he looms over you, your knees spread wide to accommodate him. You get a better sense of his true size from this angle, the man composed of solid, compact muscle, his narrow waist deceptive, giving him a leaner appearance from afar than up close. You know now how much room he can take up when he wants to. 

“None of this is your fault,” he says. He shifts, releasing your hands to cup your elbows instead, smoothing his hands up your arms. “You’ve worked so hard to show them the truth, but they just don’t want to see.”

“It’s—they can’t see because of you—” you croak. 

Gaz shakes his head. “No, no. If they wanted to, they’d see through it. Like you have.”

“No—you’re doing something to me.” 

His lips flick up into a smile. “Doing something?”

“You’re making me see things that aren’t there,” you whisper, shrinking into yourself. “I don’t even know what’s fucking real anymore—you’re scaring me.”

Even this close, you smell nothing. No heat emanates from his body or breath puffs from his lungs. It’s like a monolith looms over you, staring down at you through eyes that you can see but cannot comprehend. For all intents and purposes, he looks like a man. But he is not; he is something altogether different. 

A habitation of otherness smiling down at your unraveling interiority.

“I can make them believe you. I can help them see it with their own eyes. Would you like that, love?”

He says it with so much tenderness, stroking the backs of his knuckles over your cheek. 

“What do you mean?” you ask.

He doesn’t answer at first. You’re stuck gazing into his eyes. 

“What I mean,” he says, leaning in until his words are all you can hear. “Is that I can take away every shadow of doubt from their minds until all that’s left is the cold clarity of certitude. Show them what I’ve shown you.”

Gaz cups your face in both hands, fingers spread wide over your cheeks and neck, drawing you in until your lips brush against his. Softer than you expected, with a touch of texture. You don’t know what to think of him anymore, whether it’s your lips touching his now or whether this is all happening in your head. 

Then your lips part and he sighs into your mouth. His lips glide over yours, tenderer than you expected. Soft and wet; silky. Warmth spreads across your chest, everything suddenly concentrated on his kiss. It deepens almost naturally, your hands lifting to fist in the collar of his shirt and drag him closer to you, exhaling harshly into his mouth when you pull back to breathe, only to fall back into him again. Mouth tasting of something you can’t put your finger on; almost ambrosial. 

Is this what he’s wanted this whole time? The thought vanishes as soon as it comes. You’re a ball on a tether swinging in circles, a small planet orbiting this sun. And you’re slowly, but surely, sinking into him, gravity pulling you so close that you can feel the heat of flames against your cheeks. 

He breaks the kiss and your eyes flutter open to find him staring back at you through half-lidded eyes. “Well?”

“Please.”

Gaz smiles against your lips.

[namism]

deceiver | hange zoë

➳ categories: canonverse, commander hange, female squad leader reader, fluff, yelena loves women (don't ask)

➳ word count: 4.3k

➳ summary: It's normal for soldiers to be happily married, but when it comes to your marriage with Commander Hange Zoë, the entire regiment doesn't believe it.

➳ notes: for reference, this is wim and this is holger. also, i like to imagine that spouse hange simps for you so much that they ended up assigning you as the new squad leader of the fourth squad lmaooo

➳ cross-posted on ao3

"There you are!"

You turn around to see Hange enter the office and shut the door promptly with a loud thud. You flinch upon the sound. Curious as to what you’re up to, the Commander strides toward your station, where rows of microscopic slides sit for preparation.

Standing behind you, Hange rests their chin on your right shoulder and hugs your waist loosely. They watch you place a cover slip on a wet sample.

They hum.

"Just seven minutes ago, your squad was looking for you at the dining hall, which led me to think, 'Hmm… what could my beautiful wife be up to on this fine afternoon?'" You roll your eyes, snickering. "I would have never guessed that she'd be scholarly working at my office when she could've worked at hers."

"Oh, Hange," you say with a shake of your head. "Who am I to pass up on the opportunity of working at a larger space during my free time?"

You pipette a drop of infusion to a new slide.

"I admit it's messier here, but the Commander always has nicer things, and I happen to be married to them."

Hange pinches your cheek before kissing it.

"Ha-ha, cheeky. That's why you’re my wife."

Hange leaves you to your devices and walks around their desk. They pour themselves a glass of water before looking out the window. They watch a pair of new recruits walking in the quadrangle.

Hange smiles to themselves. The sight reminds them of when you first met, back when you couldn't even stand within three feet from them out of embarrassment. Hange was from the graduating class two years above you, and by the time you joined the Scouts, they had already earned their spot in the regiment's chain of command.

"What are you thinking of?" You appear beside them, having left your work on the counter. Hange giggles and points at the two suspecting love birds in the courtyard below. "Ah. From the 107th?"

"Yep! Looks like us, huh?"

You snorted.

"No way. They don't even seem to talk to each other. You, on the other hand"—you elbow Hange gently—"ran your mouth all day long until my ear fell off."

"You loved listening to me talk!" Hange retorts. You look at them, unamused. "Alright, I might have annoyed you at first, but you secretly loved having me around."

"Unfortunately, I did," you say with a sigh. Hange pats your head, laughing to themselves.

Suddenly, a knock sounds on the door. Hange orders them to enter.

"Commander!" A soldier from the 106th Training Corps calls with a salute. “Captain Levi requests to see you.”

Patting your head turns into combing your hair. Hange continues the endearing action as they raise an eyebrow at the soldier.

“About what?”

“About a prospective meeting with General Zackly, sir.”

“I’ll be there in a few.”

The soldier salutes again. Before leaving, he sees the Commander tell you something before kissing you on the lips. When the Commander looks back at the door to see him still standing there, he runs out in a hurry and shuts the door sheepishly.

Scurrying away from the scene, he runs into a friend.

“Hey, Holger,” the soldier greets. He looks at Holger worriedly as if he’s seen a ghost. “You okay, man?”

“Yeah, Wim,” he replies. He looks over his shoulder, gawking at the hallway he just came from, the one leading to the Commander’s office. “I was wondering…”

Wim squints his eyes at Holger’s mumbling. He tilts his head to the side.

“I can’t hear you.”

“I was wondering…” Holger mumbles the other half of the sentence.

“I still can’t hear you.”

Holger steps forward. Wim follows. Leaning closer to his friend, Holger whispers into his ear.

"I was wondering, is the Commander seeing someone? Maybe one of us, the Scouts?"

Wim is taken aback.

"How would I know that?"

"Because!" Holger hisses. He takes a cautious look over his shoulder to make sure that no one else is around before proceeding. "The Commander... They were with the Squad Leader of the Fourth Squad when I entered their office."

"Hmm..." Wim thinks to himself, rubbing his chin. "Why would you suspect a relationship over that?"

"Because the Commander kissed her!"

Wim's eyes widen. He stands there speechless, but he communicates with Holger through his eyes, asking for an affirmative answer to a question he never spoke: "Are you telling the truth?"

Suddenly, you emerge from the end of the hallway, humming a melodic tune as you flip through the yellowing pages of a book. The two soldiers stand there, unmoving. They cannot run to save themselves.

"Why, hello there," you greet with a sweet smile upon passing them. You close the book. "Do you need anything?"

They salute. Holger shakes his head.

"No, Ma'am! We were on our way."

You nod.

"Great! Because trust me, you don't want the Commander finding you dilly-dallying in the hallway of their office." You laugh lightheartedly, but Wim and Holger can't find it in them to laugh along as they fear their superior more than anything. "Anyway, off you go, and have a nice day, you two!"

As you walk along your merry way, the two soldiers look at each other dumbfounded before tending back to their duties.

Locomotives are great Marleyan inventions.

It turns out that locomotory wheels are conical in shape to avoid derailment when the tracks turn at a certain point. Connie remembers Armin mentioning something about centrifugal force, a concept he doesn’t understand enough to engage in intellectual discussion, but something he wants to ponder on to find out if it's worth learning in order to build the tracks from the Walls to the harbor.

The last time he checked, he doesn't really need to account for "centrifugal force" when laying steel on the ground. Connie may not be as intelligent as Armin, but he can understand that far. So really, he doesn't understand the need for Armin to ramble about "centrifugal force" under this scorching heat.

Mikasa hauls ultrahard steel from the cart to the end of the track. As she works on the welding, Armin chases Sasha around who has called dibs on the last pint of water. Connie and Jean curse behind Eren's back for suggesting they work on the railway instead of the new recruits who probably have nothing better to do.

Connie wipes the sweat off his forehead. Catching his breath, he decides to slack off for a few minutes. He watches Jean defeatedly sit on the ground panting, his fedora hat shielding his face from the sun.

Connie snickers. He finds the fedora hat on Jean funny. He looks like a rich snobby civilian from Wall Sheena.

To his left, Mikasa lays the blocks of steel neatly on the railway. Connie notices the scar she got from the Battle of Trost four years ago and the bandaging around her right arm that covers a tattoo of the Azumabito's crest.

Everyone has tiny details of themselves that normally go unnoticed, it seems.

As Connie wonders what his would be, he hears the clopping of hooves from the distance, followed by you, Hange, and Levi on horseback.

Connie helps Jean back up and they form a circle around the new arrivals.

"Ah! Working hard under the sun, I see?" Hange teases the group while Jean complains. You laugh beside them, bringing your left hand to cover your mouth. Connie notices.

"Since when did you guys get so tall?" Levi clicks his tongue, peering up at him with an irked expression. Connie continues to stare.

He doesn't know if he's seeing things correctly. For all he knows, it could be the heat messing with his brain. On your left ring finger, however, sits a metal band with a sparkling stone on its bed. Even as you put your hand down, Connie ponders on this discovery and zones out for the entirety of Hange's chattering.

He only manages to hear they cannot count on Hizuru to negotiate with other nations before staring at your hand like a creep. No one seems to notice his gawking, though, because he gets lost in his thoughts for a solid minute.

The last time he checked, you didn't wear a wedding ring, and you weren't into wearing jewelry at all for the fear of losing them at work. Although Connie isn't your closest friend, he believes he would have never missed out on this very important information about your life, given that you have survived many battles together along with the crew.

"...The world can't see our faces. Why would they ever trust us?" Connie snaps out of his thoughts and watches Hange throw their hands out. "So... let's meet them ourselves. If they don't understand who we are, we just have to teach them."

Meet them ourselves? Connie thinks to himself. We're going outside?

As the others reflect on the idea, Connie thinks of what he would do and should do upon arrival at the Marleyan mainland. He once again zones out, now staring at Hange as he does so.

Wait, what's that?

Closing his eyes, he shakes his head. Beams of sunlight bounce off Hange as they wave their hands around while speaking.

He narrows his eyes. Hange stops moving. They drop their hands to their side.

He sees it.

A metal band fits perfectly on their left ring finger, slightly different from yours in design, but too similar to conclude one thing.

Hange and (Y/N) are married?!

Connie looks into the distance, wide-eyed. He begins to rack his brain for clues, idle instances and memories that could have hinted at your relationship.

He focuses too much on his searching that he doesn't even notice you, Hange, and Levi retreating to the Walls and leaving him and the squad once more.

It must have been the heat yet again when he sees Hange put a discrete hand on your waist as you pass them on horseback.

Ever since the formation of an alliance with Paradis military, Onyankopon has been running around non-stop with Yelena to speak for the Anti-Marleyan volunteers. As expected, he rarely gets a day off without running into trouble, but when he does, he makes sure to enjoy it all by the ocean, where the Marleyan chefs have set up a dine-in food service by the dock.

He's sharing a table with Yelena when he hears a familiar voice fast approaching. His face lights up.

"Hange!" he greets the Commander with his hands up in the air. Hange sits on the chair beside him. "What have you come here for?"

"I ran an errand nearby, so I decided to come." Hange waves at one of the Marleyan chefs and shouts their order. The chef nods silently, his anger for the island devils long gone. "What are you up to?"

"I was thinking of some improvements for the gear you use to move around." Onyankopon hums, thinking if it would be a good idea to bring it up now. "Although that could be a discussion for another day."

"I would love to hear it!" Hange looks at the blonde woman sitting across them. "What about you? I take it that you've explored the island by how much work you've been doing."

"Unfortunately, nobody can beat the Commander in that sport," Yelena replies. Hange laughs bitterly. "I've been doing well, thank you very much. The people at Shiganshina are surprisingly welcoming, but I prefer the ones at Wall Sheena much more."

Yelena sips on the green tea in front of her. Hange stares blankly.

"O-oh! I'm guessing it's the weather or the district architecture?" they assume. Yelena shakes her head.

"While I fancy those things, I believe Wall Sheena has much more interesting… women. Some of them I eye particularly," Yelena remarks. "Has that ever happened to you, Commander?"

"W-well," Hange stutters, unsure of what to say, "no, it hasn't."

"Oh." Yelena smirks, placing her chin on top of her hand as she leans forward, studying Hange. Suddenly, she looks at their left hand intently, making them follow the direction of her stare. "Then what could possibly explain the new band on your finger if it weren't for a charming man who sought after you in the richer districts?"

Hange mentally sighs. They roll their eyes inside their head.

Onyankopon clears his throat.

"I believe I should stay out of this," he says, leaning back on the chair.

"It's alright. This is just small talk," Hange reassures him by giving a joyful response. They look back at Yelena. "Anyway, I find the outer districts more homey than the inner ones, but to each their own. I would have to correct you on two things, though. First of all, I was never sought after. I chase."

Yelena tilts her head to the side, intrigued. It seems very Hange-like to busy themselves chasing after people.

"And the second one?"

As soon as the food arrives, Hange grabs the big glass of water and downs half of it in one go.

"I have never felt interest for a man. Surprising?"

Yelena chuckles.

"Right, I should have detected it that far. No, it isn’t surprising," says the blonde. "I find women endearing as well. I apologize for my assumptions."

"I apologize, too." Onyankopon bows his head in guilt albeit being a spectator. Hange waves their hand to dismiss them.

"That's one lucky woman, I would say. It isn't often that you meet and marry a Commander," Yelena continues. Hange doesn't know how to feel about her persistence, but they've observed Yelena to be very persistent over the past two years. Her nagging is expected. "So? If she doesn't live in the inner Walls and the Commander doesn't have the time to roam civilian grounds... do we know her?"

Hange saw this coming. They knew Yelena would be able to deduce that far.

Instead of a proper response, they shrug.

"No idea, but as perfect as she is, I can tell you that you wouldn't get along well." Hange looks at Yelena's plate, steaming with food. "She would pick at your food if she had your meal, then she would give me the rest."

Hange invites Onyankopon to take the first bite and they begin to dine. Yelena is left laughing at herself.

"You got me, Commander Hange. I'm sure she is beautiful like the ones I'm fond of from your regiment."

"Of course she is."

As Onyankopon shifts the subject into something else, Yelena eats her food piecemeal, thinking of the mysterious identity of the Commander's wife. You must be a soldier yourself, but Yelena hasn't noticed anything out of the ordinary from the many people Hange surrounds themselves with. Yelena can usually tell when people are together thanks to her keen eye. It should be generally easier to find out who you are since there isn't a lot of women Hange is associated with, but her radar is still deeply challenged.

She shrugs. She'll figure it out in time.

Months later, the new gear comes in.

You open your trunk. As expected, the gear is similar to that of the Anti-Personnel Control Squad's. The main components of the vertical maneuvering gear are still there, save for the blade compartment replaced by single-use cartridges and pistols. The gas cylinder is wider than the ones from the previous gear, now attached to two axles strapped to the back harness.

You look to your right. Mikasa's equipment is missing the set of firearms in favor of blades. She stares at her trunk.

"We need you at the forefront in attacking the intelligent Titans," Levi speaks behind her. "No use in giving you stupid pistols. You can kill humans even with blades."

Mikasa nods. You look at your gear once more. No blades, just pistols.

"I'm guessing this makes me in charge of the human killing?"

Levi thinks to himself.

"Not quite."

You knit your eyebrows.

"Hange has other plans for you. Ask them."

Later that day, the Scouts are ordered to try on their gear and practice zipping around the Forest of Giant Trees to get accustomed to them. You and your squad watch as Mikasa flies around, flawlessly carrying four Thunder Spears on each arm.

A hand rests on your shoulder. You look behind you to find Hange in the new gear and the complementary black suit, their oval glasses replaced by goggles. You nod to your squad and they disperse promptly, leaving you and Hange alone.

"Looks like you've done it again, Commander. At long last, there are no major issues with the gear."

They sneer.

"It wouldn't be possible without the Anti-Marleyan volunteers. I owe half of it to them." They examine you in your uniform, eyes scanning your entire body like they haven't just done so a couple of minutes ago. "That sure suits you. Have you gone around?"

"No, actually," you tell them after muttering a shy 'thank you'. Suddenly, you place your hands on your hips as you remember something. "Hey, wait a second. Why don"t I have blades in my trunk? Are we not letting the Fourth Squad attack?"

Hange looks at you, unsurprised, as if they expected such a question.

"I need you to stay on the airship as backup," they reason.

You look at them dubiously.

"Just me?"

"And your squad."

You shake your head.

"I don't know. There seems to be a hidden motive behind that."

"Are you questioning my decision?" they challenge.

"I'm questioning you as your wife," you say, another one of your tricks to dodge insubordination. Hange scoffs. "What exempts my squad from this?"

"Squad Levi will be at the frontline if we're up against the Nine Titans. Your squad will only attack when things go astray. Until then, your job is to scout aerially and make sure that nobody intrudes."

You open your mouth to argue, but Hange hooks their gear to a nearby tree.

"Last one to get out of the forest is a loser!"

"Hey—!" Your words are interrupted by them flying away at top speed. You grumble. "Ugh, Hange!"

Launching a grappling hook on the nearest tree, you propel yourself forward as you chase them with all your might. Hange takes a sharp turn halfway through, but you predict their actions a second too early. They whiz past trees in random directions, passing fellow soldiers in the same uniforms that camouflage them all too well, but your agility allows you to keep up.

"Wow, you're getting too close," they remark upon looking over their shoulder and finding you only two trees away. "Maybe I should keep you with Levi at the frontlines— (Y/N)!"

"HELP ME!"

The operating device that controls the right grappling hook of your gear stops working the moment you dislodge the left hook from the tree behind you, sending you free-falling from 70 meters in the air. You press on the right-hand device again but to no avail. You try the left, but the steel wire is visibly stuck after immediate retraction.

The wind blows the hair away from your face as you free fall. All it takes is approximately 3.8 seconds for you to hit the forest floor, but when you protect your head and brace for impact, you are caught by Hange just in time.

"O-oh my gosh—" you try to process your thoughts as you clutch your heart.

Hange settles you down on the ground. The Scouts nearby halt their training and land on the surrounding tree branches, observing the aftermath of the incident. Members of your squad and Levi's arrive moments later, followed by numerous soldiers with inkling curiosity at your desperate shriek.

Still shocked, you tug at Hange's suit to thank them, but they look furious.

It's not your fault, but you feel small under their gaze.

Hange is a different person when mad.

"Are you okay?!" they ask frantically, one hand patting your body for any signs of injury as the other holds you tightly. Hange repeats the question, but you can't answer properly as you try to come into terms with the shock. You've used broken equipment before, but none of those instances were as life-threatening as this.

Hange notices your body trembling, and they take it as a sign to stop asking you any further.

"I'm sorry, love. I'm not mad at you, I just... ugh!"

Their face contorts into frustration once more. How is it possible that everyone else's gear is working perfectly fine, but yours isn't? Hange made sure to keep their instructions clear as the new equipment were distributed among the soldiers: keep the Fourth Squad's and Squad Levi's the most defect-free.

As Levi approaches, Hange remembers the engraving on the body of the device that should be present in everyone else's gear: a unique serial code that should differ from each one. They gently turn you on your side to check the engraving.

Their blood boils.

"Everyone, stop whatever you are doing!”

In the far distance, you can hear the soft whirs of the anti-personnel maneuvering gear coming to a halt, clearly hearing the voice of their Commander.

“Alright, now tell me which USELESS DIMWIT in the Walls decided to give MY WIFE the broken gear that I instructed MANY TIMES to get rid of before coming here?!"

The entire forest remains quiet, possibly even quieter than before. The Scouts stare at the Commander, reflecting on their words with mouths agape.

They collectively don't know which piece of information to process first: the fact that Commander Hange is fuming in anger of a possible sabotage or the fact that they had just revealed your marriage. Somewhere in the crowds of soldiers, a few gasp at the latter detail.

Albeit still trembling, your face heats up at Hange's outburst, feeling a hundred different pairs of eyes looking down at the both of you.

You shake Hange's arm.

"I-I'm okay, you were there just in time, Hange—"

"Until I find out the idiot who did it, nobody is leaving this stupid forest!"

"Oi, Hange. Have mercy on your wife." Levi points at your shaking form. Your head faces the ground, afraid to look up given the commotion. Two of your squad members rush beside you for comfort. "It could have been intentional. Don't act rashly now."

Hange inhales deeply to respond to Levi's statement, but they hesitate as rationality strikes them. They momentarily let go of you to push their goggles to the top of their head before squeezing your hands tightly.

"I'm so sorry. Change out of your gear and leave with your squad. I'll meet you later."

You find it better to follow than to disobey them. Standing up from the ground, you immediately lean in for a hug. Although not as intimate as you normally would, Hange embraces you back and you feel even more eyes peering at the two of you.

"Thank you so much. I love you."

"I love you, too."

As you leave with the Fourth Squad, Wim and Holger stare at each other, their jaws reaching the floor. They can't communicate freely in the environment they're in, but their wide eyes are enough to articulate the incredulity and satisfaction of knowing that they were right all along.

By the foot of the trees, Connie stands in between Armin, Jean, Eren, Mikasa, and Sasha, who are equally dumbstruck by the revelation.

Connie looks at Sasha, whom he has amazing telepathy with.

Did you know this? Sasha asks. I did not know this.

I think I knew this, Connie replies.

How do you 'think that you know this'? Sasha asks again. Either way, that's not fair! I didn't know!

Connie shakes his head. Nobody did for certain. Maybe except for Captain Levi.

The ride back to the Survey Corps headquarters is silent. You're too shameful to talk to your squad members as close as you may be, but you're grateful for their understanding of your boundaries.

On your way to the headquarters, you pass by the Anti-Marleyan volunteers with Yelena notably in the crowd. Her face brightens up the moment she sees you in the new maneuvering gear; she thinks you look a thousand times prettier than your day-to-day style. She makes her way to your sauntering horse, then tries to catch your attention with a friendly wave of her hand.

Before she can speak with you, one of your squad members taps her shoulder and shakes his head. Yelena slows down her pace and decides to lag behind with the man who had tapped her.

"Squad Leader (Y/N) doesn't want to speak to anyone at the moment," your squad member explains. Yelena raises her eyebrows, awaiting further explanation. "She is following Commander Hange's orders."

"What does the Commander have to do with whom she speaks to?" Yelena asks, finding it ridiculous that Hange would impose such a dumb rule for you to follow.

The man looks panicked.

"Well... she is the Commander's... wife," he replies, unsure if he should be spreading such information that was only revealed to him not more than 20 minutes ago. Yelena nearly stops walking.

What the hell did he just say?

A random memory from many months ago occurs to her.

Onyankopon, the Commander, and the Marleyan chefs. The dining service by the harbor. Yelena noticing the wedding band on the Commander's finger. Commander Hange mentioning their preference, making their interests clear.

Yelena deducing that they were married to a fellow soldier.

"Apologies, but I will be on my way," the man bids goodbye and commands the horse forward to catch up to the rest of the squad. Yelena is left by the side of the road, alone in shock.

She chuckles bitterly.

Out of all people, she thinks to herself.

At the very least, Hange was telling the truth. You are beautiful.

[celebrityfanfictionblog]

"CSI: Brass"

Chapter One: Tension Point

The Las Vegas Crime Lab buzzed with its usual late-night hum—fluorescent lights flickering, coffee machines gurgling, and the faint clatter of evidence bags being sorted. Jim Brass, now in his late 50s, leaned against the break room doorway, his stocky 5’10” frame casting a shadow over the linoleum. His dark brown hair, streaked with gray, was cropped short, and his rugged face bore the weary lines of a man who’d seen too much. Deep-set eyes scanned the room, landing on Brett Rhodes, the 29-year-old CSI Level I hunched over a microscope in the corner.

Brett’s lean, wiry 5’11” frame was clad in a charcoal button-down, sleeves rolled up to reveal freckled forearms, and fitted jeans that hugged his runner’s legs. His chestnut hair fell in a tousled mess over his forehead, and those piercing green eyes flicked up from his work, catching Brass’s stare. The silver stud in his ear glinted under the lab lights, a quiet defiance that Brass had always found irritating—until recently.

Their relationship had been a slow burn of friction. Brass, the gruff veteran cop turned captain, saw Brett as a know-it-all rookie, always quick with a quip or a forensic factoid. Brett, sharp-witted and ambitious, chafed under Brass’s brusque dismissals, sensing the older man’s respect was a prize he’d never win. But beneath the barbs, something simmered—unspoken, electric, and dangerously close to boiling over.

Tonight, after a brutal double-homicide case left them both frayed, the lab was empty save for the two of them. Brett had cracked the case with a hair fiber Brass overlooked, and the victory hung heavy in the air.

“Guess even an old dog can miss a trick,” Brett had said earlier, his dry humor cutting too close. Brass’s jaw had tightened, but his eyes lingered on Brett’s crooked nose and sharp cheekbones a beat too long.

Now, in the break room, Brass broke the silence.

“You got a mouth on you, Rhodes. Ever think it might get you in trouble?”

Brett smirked, leaning back in his chair, stretching his lean frame.

“Only if someone’s brave enough to shut it, Captain.” The challenge hung there, daring and reckless.

Brass stepped closer, his solid build looming as he closed the distance.

“Careful what you wish for, kid.” His voice was low, gravelly, and before either could overthink it, he grabbed Brett by the collar of his shirt, pulling him into a kiss. It was rough, hungry—teeth clashing, tongues warring, the pent-up tension of months spilling out. Brett’s hands fisted in Brass’s jacket, tugging him closer, his breath hitching as the older man’s beard scraped his jaw.

They broke apart, panting, eyes locked. Brett’s green gaze darkened with want. “You gonna back off now, Brass, or finish what you started?”

Jim’s response was a growl. “On your knees.”

Brett sank down, his wiry frame folding gracefully as he unzipped Brass’s slacks. The captain’s 7-inch cut cock sprang free, thick and veined, already hard. Brett didn’t hesitate—his lips parted, taking Jim in with a slow, deliberate slide. His tongue swirled around the head, tasting the salt of precum, then dipped along the underside, tracing every ridge. Brass groaned, one hand gripping the edge of the table, the other tangling in Brett’s messy hair.

“Fuck, kid,” Brass rasped, hips twitching as Brett hollowed his cheeks, sucking hard. Brett’s glasses fogged slightly, but he didn’t stop, bobbing his head with a rhythm that had Jim’s stocky legs trembling. Saliva slicked his chin, and he moaned around the girth, the vibration pulling a curse from Brass’s lips. Brett’s hands roamed—one cupping Jim’s balls, rolling them gently, the other unzipping his own jeans to free his 6-inch cut cock, stroking himself in time with his mouth.

Brass’s control snapped. He yanked Brett up by the arm, spinning him around and pinning him chest-down against the break room table. Papers scattered, a coffee mug clattered to the floor, but neither cared.

“You’ve been asking for this,” Jim muttered, his breath hot against Brett’s neck as he shoved the younger man’s jeans down, exposing his lean ass. Brett braced himself, palms flat on the table, his voice a taunt. “Then give it to me, Captain.”

Jim spat into his hand, slicking himself before pressing the head of his cock against Brett’s tight entrance. He pushed in slow at first, a low groan escaping as Brett’s heat enveloped him.

“Jesus, you’re tight,” Brass grunted, his hands gripping Brett’s hips hard enough to bruise. Brett hissed, the stretch burning, but he rocked back, urging Jim deeper.

“Move, damn it,” he snapped, his sharp wit edged with desperation.

Brass obliged, thrusting hard, his hips snapping forward with the force of a man unburdening years of restraint. The table creaked under them, Brett’s moans mingling with the wet slap of skin. Jim angled his thrusts, hitting that spot inside that made Brett’s legs quake, his green eyes rolling back.

“Right there—fuck, Brass,” Brett gasped, one hand jerking his own cock furiously, precum dripping onto the floor.

Jim leaned over him, his stocky frame pressing Brett down, beard grazing his shoulder. “You like that, huh? Taking it from the old man?” His pace quickened, relentless, his balls slapping against Brett’s ass with every drive. Brett’s response was a choked, “Yes—fuck, yes,” his wiry body tensing as pleasure coiled tight.

“Gonna come,” Brett warned, his strokes erratic. Jim growled, “Do it,” and slammed in deep, sending Brett over the edge. He spilled across the table, a shuddering moan tearing from his throat. The sight—Brett’s freckled back arching, his sharp face slack with release—pushed Brass past his limit. With a guttural “Fuck,” he buried himself to the hilt, pulsing hot inside Brett, his grip bruising as he rode out his climax.

They stayed there, panting, the air thick with sweat and sex. Brass pulled out slowly, a trickle of cum following, and Brett slumped against the table, catching his breath. After a beat, he turned, smirking despite the flush on his cheeks. “Guess you’re not all talk, Captain.”

Brass adjusted his slacks, a rare grin tugging at his rugged face.

“And you’re not all sass, Rhodes. Clean this up before shift ends.” He walked out, leaving Brett to chuckle, shaking his head as he wiped down the table.

[drafthearse]

The Micromosaics of Henry Dalton

Henry Dalton was born in 1829 in Bury St. Edmunds, England, where his father was a prominent physician. Growing up with a passion for science, young Henry was drawn especially to microscopy which was enjoying modest popularity among the lay public at the time. By his mid-thirties, Dalton was well-skilled as a micrographer and had gained renown among European naturalists for his intricate preparations constructed entirely from diatoms and the scales of butterfly wings. [...] After devising a design, Dalton would collect numerous butterfly wings of multiple species from all over the world. Carefully stripping off individual scales with a needle, each scale was then sorted by color, size, and shape creating a extensive palette. Boar bristle in hand, Dalton would then transfer each scale to the slide. Positioning a scale was a laborious task, one that required the use of a microscope and a small tube through which he would breathe to gently move each scale over the glass to its appointed position. Once in place, Dalton would crush a small tiny spot of the scale against the slide, allowing internal oils to act as a natural adhesive. Many of Dalton's remarkable micromosaic preparations would require as many as one thousand individual scales.

[bohemianblasphemy]

Ok imagine reader who rivals Billy’s freak. Every time he makes a joke she one ups him. So one night he’s drunk and they’re both trying to compete to prove who’s the dirtiest when Reader lets it’s slip she’s never done anything EVER. Not even holding hands. Billy proceeds to change that taunting her for acting so experienced while she’s all hazy from being kissed for the first time

I. Am. Obsessed.

Billy couldn’t stand it.

The way you just had to add your two cents into everything he’d say - any joke had to have your own little spin on it to make the others laugh harder than he ever did- and it drove him mad.

You knew it pissed him off, and you loved pushing his buttons.

Sitting across from you at the dingy bar, he listened as you had one upped him once more with a dirty joke, causing raucous laughter from other bar patrons. He swigged his drink, grunting at the sting of liquor.

“Is that all ya got sweetheart? Wait until I tell ya about the time I took a bird back to mine and I-“

“Oh please…” you teased him. “I’m sure you’re not as dirty as you claim, you wouldn’t know what dirty looks like if it hit you in the face.”

You could see the absolute frustration through his scoff, smirking at the fragility of his demeanour as you found yourselves sitting away from the populated area of the bar, in a intimate corner booth- just the two of you.

“Alright then. tell me love- what is the dirtiest thing YOU’VE done?” He challenged, holding his fresh glass of whiskey- a stark difference to your Tequila Sunrise.

Although you laughed at his challenge, you couldn’t help but feel… observed a little too closely- as if you were a specimen on a glass slide under a microscope.

Behind the mask of your cheeky, smutty quips was someone who is inexperienced- not even an encounter such as holding hands, the textbook definition of innocence. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but you couldn’t help but have that facade up.

Clearing your throat, your mind went through multiple false scenarios that you could use as an example.

“Well- there was a uh… sex party! Yeah and there was, so many… um-“ you tried to make your case convincing, but to no avail- the brit seeing seeing right through your ‘story’.

“You are an absolute liar. Cmon… surely there somethin’ there in that filthy brain of yours.” He tapped on the wooden table, watching you closely as you were lost in a fog of thoughts- nothing was coming to mind.

Butcher raised a brow, looking at your eyes as they tried to avert his gaze- your cheeks tinted pink.

“Oh my fuckin’ god…” his mouth went agape as he realised what was happening. “You ain’t done anything have ya?” He whispered, leaning across the table- seeing your cheeks burn brighter.

“Okay fine Billy I haven’t done anything okay?” You admitted, squeezing your eyes closed, preparing for any and all teasing comments from him.

“Well fuck me sideways…” he chuckles, taking a few sips of his drink. “So, by anything you mean… anything?”

You sighed and nodded. “Yeah… nothing. Just- nothing.” You looked down at your lap, feeling somewhat embarrassed by your admission, however suddenly you felt Billy’s index finger drag under your chin- making you look at him.

“Cheeky fuckin’ minx you are, ain’t ya?” He grumbled as he looked at you. “All that talk and no one has ever kissed or touch ya before…” his eyes flicked from your eyes to your lips, seeing your breath hitch from that small action made him chuckle again.

“Poor thing…” he pouted, pinching your chin between his thumb and index finger and pulled you just that little bit closer to him- your faces just a few inches away from each other.

“I can help change that for ya, ya know?” Your eyes widened at his offer.

“Y-yeah?” You whispered timidly, feeling as if your heart was to burst.

“Yeah doll…” he smiled looking at your lips and then gazing back up to your eyes, wanting to make sure that it was okay to make a move- in which you nodded eagerly.

He took your face in his hands, pulling you towards him and placing a soft kiss to your lips.

The feeling of him kissing you for the first time was indescribable, the subtle taste of liquor on his lips made the whole interaction all the more addictive.

Butcher was the first to pull away, but you were so in the moment that you didn’t pull away and just moved forward, wanting- no, craving more of him. You couldn’t think, your mind in a haze as you processed your first kiss.

“There ya go…” he said quietly, using his thumb to swipe your bottom lip. “Wasn’t so bad was it?”

You couldn’t say anything, just a simple shake of your head as you looked at his smug face.

Well, judging from your expression… you seem like you want more.” He teased slightly, seeing the neediness in your eyes.

“And I would love ta give ya more…”

[oh-katsuki]

the notebook theory (tsukishima kei x reader)

masterlist | ao3

Pairing: Tsukishima Kei x Reader

Summary: Kei has a cynical and jaded outlook on love. When his friend Tadashi figures out that Kei has feelings for you, Kei isn’t sure how to react. After all, love is not something he does but rather, something that happens to him.

"There’s a notebook that Kei likes on his desk. No matter what he does, nothing is good enough to put a permanent mark into the thing. Even if he used a pencil, Kei feels like the evidence of the mark would still be there even after erasing it, a molecular change that can’t be seen with the naked eye. Kei calls it the notebook theory.

He thinks that might be what’s happening to him. A molecular change, imperceivable to someone not looking at him under a microscope. It’s like his DNA is being rewritten and stitched together with bright pink yarn. He feels himself steadily come apart and come together. It’s uncomfortable, like trying to dream when he has a fever. Kei is nearly certain that you’re the reason."

Content Warnings:  fem!reader (gender neutral pronouns), no real manga spoilers, slow burn, one-sided pining, angst, mentions of divorce and broken homes, toxic relationship (kei's parents), smut, fingering, oral (f!receiving and m!receiving), pinching, mentions of mark making, overstimulation (m!receiving), multiple orgasms, hair-pulling

Word Count: 24.8k

A/N: i know i spent forever working on this but it's finally done and while i have a lot of thoughts about it, idk rly what to say. anyway, here's my first attempt at a tsukishima long fic. also i already know that im not beating the tsukkiyama allegations, okay? i tried and failed to beat them okay i just think there is no way to put them in a situation without it being a little homoerotic bc.. they r them okay? anyway, i hope u enjoy and would love to hear ur thoughts <3

The morning comes without warning. Kei thinks he’s read that somewhere, though he’s just sure just where he saw it. He also thinks that whoever said that is right. Morning is always a harsh assault and never as gentle as people describe it to be. 

Kei’s room, the one he rents at university, faces toward the east. In the mornings, when the sun peeks over the horizon, it shines directly into his room and onto his bed before creeping across the light wood floors. His blinds, as useful as they are, always let some through the cracks and the light cuts the ground like butter to a knife. Kei doesn’t think it feels half as romantic as it sounds. 

The light works better than his alarm. No matter how set he is on sleeping in, he never fails to wake up as soon as those slats of light make their way across his bedspread. It wakes him like fever and he’s never quite as comfortable as he felt falling asleep. This morning is no different. 

He rises like he always has, running a hand over his blonde hair and dragging it down his face after sitting up. Then, he stands once in an attempt to gather his bearings before sitting right back down on the edge of the bed. He fights the lingering remnants of sleep, feeling the ray of sunlight beat down on his back. Then, he reaches towards his glasses on the nightstand and slides them up the bridge of his long nose before standing up again once and for all. 

Yamaguchi lives in the other room. His best friend since high school, perhaps his only real friend. They’d miraculously attended the same college and decided to room together, though his other friends from his youth aren’t too far. The arrangement managed to make it all the way until their fourth and final year. Living with each other has become par for the course. 

Tadashi wakes up later than Kei does on most days, except for Tuesdays and Thursdays. On those days, he has an 8 am and is usually in the kitchen before Kei has even stood up for the first time. Today is a Wednesday, so Yamaguchi is asleep in his room. The morning light doesn’t wake him the same way it does Kei. His room faces west, so it isn’t until the mid-afternoon, when Tadashi is chased from his room by the afternoon rays and heat, that he notices the sun on its blinding conquest across the sky. 

Kei’s room is clean and neat. There’s no clutter, no collection of items that don’t have a proper place. Everything is itemized and stored exactly where he intends for them to be. His floor is void of stray clothes, of socks he’d discarded the night before, his nightstand is bare and his desk is surprisingly empty save for one notebook sitting in its center. It’s a room that he could leave at any time, despite living here for nearly two years. If Kei chose to do so, he could pack his things and be gone in a day. 

Yamaguchi’s room is different. It’s lived in and well worn. There’s clutter on the floor, socks and pants he’d taken and tossed away to be dealt with later. Certain things don’t have a place and end up living on semi-crowded surfaces filled with things he likes to put down as quickly as he’d picked them up. Kei envies that way of living. A non-temporary way. He envies the rug in Yamaguchi’s room and the way he fills the space with himself. Kei thinks that even after they’re long gone, future tenants would still be able to feel Tadashi’s presence. 

To say that Kei is cynical would be accurate. He tends to lean more towards paranoia in his own strange way. He keeps things in order to quell the anxiety in it. Things stay where they are meant to be. As a result, he’s earned himself somewhat of an uptight attitude that makes Kei feel more awkward than relaxed even when he’s in his own spaces. Not that he minds it. 

Tadashi’s dish from last night is sitting next to the sink. Kei moves around it as he fixes a tea, making an effort not to drag his feet across the floor because he hates the scuffing sound. Every now and then, the glass of his mug will clink against the cheap kitchen tile and Kei will cringe in some paranoid worry that it will wake his friend. 

As he gathers his things to leave the quiet apartment, Kei wonders where his cynicism comes from. He’s sure he could pinpoint it if he tried. His parents divorce, his previous experiences with dating that have left him jaded, the holes that wore even in his most sturdy of sweaters. Inconsequential nothings that piled up until Kei had developed an undeniably cautious outlook on the world. To him, all of these things are the same. Like the morning, they’re intrusive and unsightly, but none is less important than the other. 

Kei does have things he likes. Art, for one. He likes paintings, sculptures, little pieces of history, and all of the things people make with their hands that he could never do. Kei is hopeless at crafts. His fingers are lithe and long, but they’re clumsy and hard to control. Despite his need for order, Kei has trouble controlling his urges. The subtle twitches of his fingers always mess up whatever it is he’s trying to craft. 

He likes writing best of all, specifically curatorial writing. It’s easy for him to pick which pieces belong together and how to organize them in a space, it suits his talent for compartmentalizing. Kei gets to tell a story that way, be it historical or artistic, sometimes both. The essays that his classmates find tedious, he finds relaxing despite the stress. For him, writing about art and history is a pleasure much like sipping tea that is the perfect temperature, unintrusive and natural. 

By the time he arrives at the library, it’s nearly 9 am. He works better here, in the quiet section at a table hidden by three tall shelves of books. It’s almost never occupied and there are hardly ever people seated in the immediate area. Kei doesn’t go out of his way to avoid others, but he finds that if he doesn’t approach people, they often won’t approach him. He prefers things this way, it makes the good and bad people easier to weed out. 

From this spot in the library, Kei can see where you usually set up shop for the day. You arrive after him by about 45 minutes and he convinces himself that it is always coincidental. 

Strictly speaking, you’re Tadashi’s friend, not his. You’ve known each other for a little under a year and have been by the apartment a few times, but yours and his conversations are limited entirely to pleasantries. How are you? What are you working on? We’re graduating soon, huh? Casual conversation that Kei can weasel his way out of at any time. Like his room, it’s impermanent. 

Kei has had the idea that nothing stays stuck in his head since middle school. The house he lived in when his parents were together, weekdays with his mother and weekends with his father, graduating seniors, the apartment he lives in now. To Kei, all of it is so temporary that he finds it difficult to get attached to it, not that he’s devoid of emotion. He quite loves the little things he has, but his grip on them is loose and half-hearted. Whatever leaves, Kei thinks is meant to leave, so he makes no effort to hold on. 

It’s probably unfair to think of you that way, but Kei can’t really help it. He can’t change what he is. Besides, it’s not as if he doesn’t have a reason to think so. He’s often approached by people for his looks, people who want to get close because they think he’s tall and handsome, people who collect others like trophies. He’s not heartless, so he’s been hurt more than a few times. Kei thinks he owes it to himself to be cautious, not that you’ve done anything to earn that type of subtle hostility. 

“Thought you might be here,” someone’s hand lands on his shoulder. 

“Shit,” he groans, “is it that late already?” 

Kei glances down at the watch on his wrist, reading the time as just past 10:45 am. He’s been here for an hour and 45 minutes and hasn’t gotten anything done. Tadashi pulls the chair next to him out and sits down, resting his chin on his hand. 

“Spacing out?” 

“A little,” Kei responds, tapping his pen against the table and turning back toward his book. 

“Got something due?” 

“Yeah, on Friday,” he exhales. “Haven’t started it yet though. You?” 

“Nah,” Tadashi smiles. “I’m just chasing you around.” 

“You’re like a girl with a crush.” 

Tadashi shrugs and lets out a good natured laugh. It’s a little too loud for this part of the library, but Kei lets it slide, smiling with his friend. 

Tadashi is the opposite of him, he thinks. He smiles often and says exactly what’s on his mind when it crosses it, even if it's a little mean. Tadashi used to be a follower, but in his final year of high school and university years, grew into someone befitting of his somewhat sunny and sarcastic personality. Thoughts and words come easily to him and he has no trouble vocalizing his joy or his disappointment. 

Yamaguchi has freckles covering the entirety of his body. Kei knows this because he’s seen far more of Tadashi than he thinks he should have. His skin is tawny and warm like him. Kei finds himself looking at the ones on his hands as Yamaguchi begins to write in his notebook. Kei can’t read his handwriting because it’s terrible and he doesn’t much feel like working on his own project, so he watches his friend’s hand mark the page. Then, his gaze slinks across the library to you. 

You’ve got your head down and look like you’re falling asleep despite it only being 11 in the morning. Your hand moves lazily across your computer keypad. By the time Kei realizes that you’ve spotted him staring, it’s too late to look away. His gaze was too intentional, so he smiles at you instead, nodding his head a little. 

You smile and wave, standing from where you sit and collecting your things. They fill up your arms because you don’t bother to put them in your bag, making your way clumsily across the room and setting your stuff down across from him. 

“Hi, Tsukishima,” you smile. “Hi, Tadashi.” 

You use his friend’s given name and Kei feels a pang of jealousy hit his chest. 

“How long have you been here? I didn’t see you,” you ask, settling into the seat across from Kei. 

“I just got here,” Tadashi smiles, looking up from his notes. “He’s been here for a while though.” 

Tadashi motions towards him. 

“Aw, why didn’t you say hi?” 

“You seemed busy,” Kei lies. 

You pout, filling your mouth with air. “Next time just come say hi, ‘kay?” 

“Sure,” Kei nods. 

Tadashi tosses him a sideways glance and Kei shrugs it off. He’s not interested in being teased this morning, though when is he ever. 

Kei doesn’t like the way you make him feel. When you’re around, he becomes prickly. It sets Kei on edge in a way that he hates. His world, previously so rigid and organized, quickly begins to feel cluttered and structureless. 

You make his heart pound. You make it hammer against his chest so hard that he can feel it in his ears and behind his eyes. It goes all the way down to his already-hard-to-control fingertips and the tops of his thighs. A previously pastel colored world goes vibrantly candy-colored like it’s been plunged in saturating liquid. He nevers knows how to hold himself, never knows how to act natural. What does it mean to act natural, anyway? How should he rest his hands on the desk? Would it be weird to lace them together? Does he look as stiff as he feels? It’s entirely possible that he is suffering a massive heart attack. 

You whisper across the table to Tadashi, leaning forward and laughing at something he’s written in his notebook. You can read his handwriting, something Kei is equally jealous about as he is angry. Kei just watches your conversation, unable to really listen into it on account of the stroke that he thinks he’s having. 

The three of you stay like this for a while, earning the occasional irritated whisper or dirty look from some of the more studious people in the library. Kei pretends to ignore them, remaining quiet throughout the duration of your study session with Tadashi. His quiet corner is invaded and painted bright pink with your presence and he doesn’t know whether to feel giddy or irrationally angry. Maybe it’s both. 

“Crap, is that the time?” Tadashi exclaims, hunching over himself when someone nearby shushes him. “I’ve got class across campus in 10 minutes.” 

He hurriedly collects his things. Tadashi does it so fast, in fact, that Kei hardly has time to beg him not to leave him alone with you. So he just watches as Tadashi throws his things clumsily into his bag and tosses it over his shoulder. 

“Bye, ___,” he says in a rushed whisper. “I’ll see you at home, Kei!” 

“Sure,” is all that Kei can muster. His voice cracks when he says it and he immediately avoids looking at you and stares at nothing in particular in his textbook. 

It’s quiet for a while. Kei pretends to busy himself by glancing between his textbook and his computer and you sit with your head bowed as you take notes on a lecture you’re listening to through the single earbud in your right ear. Then, you tap the end of your pen lightly on Kei’s notebook to get his attention. 

It’s only been about 10 minutes since Tadashi left, but the library now feels like an entirely different place. His heart pounds as he struggles to keep a straight face. 

When he looks up, you’re looking at him with a tilted head. Your expression is soft and unintrusive, friendly but a bit guarded. You smile softly at him. 

“You don’t like me very much, do you?” You ask gently. It doesn’t sound accusatory, but rather a casual statement tinged with friendliness. 

“Huh?” Blood rushes into his ears. 

“I just kinda get the impression that you’re uncomfortable around me,” you say. “Am I wrong?” 

“Uh, no- it’s not that I don’t like you.” 

He’s quick to correct you and he feels heat rush to his cheeks. 

“Then what?” you question lightly. There’s no ulterior motive behind your smile, Kei can tell, but your openness makes him uneasy. 

“I dunno,” he calms himself a little. “I don’t really know how to act around you, I guess.” 

You laugh, leaning back into your chair. “Is that all?” 

“Well, yeah…” he feels awkward and his palms are sweaty. He drops them below the table to wipe them. “You’re Tadashi’s friend and I’m pretty different from him so I just…” He trails off, shrugging his shoulders.

“I was worried you hated me,” you smile, chuckling to yourself. 

“That’s definitely not it,” he loosens a little, smiling lightly despite the thudding of his heart. It slows down steadily. 

“I’m your friend too, ya know?” 

“That so?” 

“Well, yeah,” you shrug and lean all the way back, crossing your arms. “I just kinda figured that we would be.” 

“Friends?” His tongue feels heavy in his mouth. His word placement is awkward. 

“Duh,” you laugh a little. “You know, you don’t have to speak formally with me.” 

“That’s just the way I am,” he huffs at being read. 

“Well, you can drop them with me. I don’t mind.” 

“Tall order,” he snorts. 

You tilt your head to the side. “Did you just make a joke?” 

“Uh, yeah…” 

“Funny,” you smile. “What are you studying?” 

“It’s not really studying…” he says, glancing down at the near empty document. “I’m supposed to be writing an essay I have due on Friday. Not going well.” 

He looks up at you through his lashes. You’re leaning forward across the table now, your chin angled upward as you try and peek at what’s on his screen. He turns it so that you can see better. 

“Baroque art?” You read aloud. “Oh yeah, Tadashi mentioned that you’re an art history major. Do you draw too?” 

“No,” he scoffs. “I’m hopeless at it, but I like art. It’s nice to look at.” 

“Huh, you look like you’d be good at drawing,” you say. 

“What’s that mean?” 

“I dunno, like a manga author or something,” you shrug. “You’ve got nice hands too. Like an artist.” 

“Manga?” He laughs a little, trying to play off the color he feels rushing to his face from the compliment. 

“Yeah, you look like the manga type.” 

“Is it the glasses?” He raises an eyebrow. 

“Maybe,” you laugh. 

Kei looks down at his hands. They’re big, like the rest of him, and his knuckles are thin. He’s hyper-aware of them now that you’ve complimented them. He studies them briefly, following the barely visible veins up the back of them, following the line of his fingers to his nails. They’re trimmed and somewhat well kept, save for the spots that he tends to bite at when he lays in bed at night. His hands look nothing like Tadashi’s. Tadashi’s fingers are thick and his nails are short on account of him biting them. Kei wonders if you prefer them to his. 

—

There’s a notebook that Kei likes on his desk. It’s only a bit bigger than his fist—a little thing, really—and it’s completely blank. Kei’s never written anything down in it, nothing has ever really been worth sullying the thing. It’s got brown fabric binding and a semi-thick cover. It’s malleable, but not so flimsy that he’d need a desk to write in it. 

Kei’s not too sure why he bought it in the first place. Maybe he liked the size of it, small enough to fit in his pocket, but not so small as to be ridiculous. It’s practical, much like he is. He’s considered turning it into a daily planner and putting to-do lists in it, but Kei isn’t much of a list guy, it’s Tadashi that likes making lists. Nothing has ever really felt like it suits the book. He’s considered journaling in it, but his life is one big routine and he doesn’t think there’s anything worth writing about. 

No matter what he does, nothing is good enough to put a permanent mark into the thing. Even if he used a pencil, Kei feels like the evidence of the mark would still be there even after erasing it, a molecular change that can’t be seen with the naked eye. Kei calls it the notebook theory. 

He thinks that might be what’s happening to him. A molecular change, imperceivable to someone not looking at him under a microscope. It’s like his DNA is being rewritten and stitched together with bright pink yarn. He feels himself steadily come apart and come together. It’s uncomfortable, like trying to dream when he has a fever. 

Kei is nearly certain that you’re the reason, not that he’s about to admit to anyone else that he likes you. Tadashi managed to weasel it out of him, though he didn’t really have to ask. In fact, it was less of an admittance to Kei than it was confirmation of his own feelings. If Tadashi can tell that he likes you, then he must. 

People seem to know things about Kei before he even knows them himself. At least, that’s how it seems. He’s always confronted with his own feelings by other people, not that they’re really ever wrong, but it seems everyone catches onto what he’s feeling rather quickly. He’s not too sure why that is, maybe he’s just obvious and hasn’t realized it. 

Come to think of it, when Tadashi had confronted Kei about his feelings for you, he’d been deeply annoying about it. Kei couldn’t even try to deny it because Tadashi had come out with his guns blazing, cornering him in the living room and throwing facts about you at him until his face was beet red with embarrassment. Then, with a serious frown on his face, he’d simply stated you like them and that was the end of it. Kei couldn’t even deny it. Even he knew that it read plainly in his expression. 

To be frank, it sucks being told in plain speech how he feels about someone. Whenever that happens, it makes Kei feel like he’ll never be able to keep another secret in his life. Sometimes, he wishes that he was able to make the decision to tell someone else on his own, but even Kei knows that that is a little beyond him. Kei can think the feelings just fine, but when it comes to speaking them aloud, he seems to have a padlock around his throat. 

Tadashi knows this about him and if it weren’t for him, Kei would have agonized far longer and far worse over certain situations of emotional turmoil. Most of the time, Tadashi gets it without needing to ask or say anything. It’s nice to have someone understand him in that way, even if it does mean he can’t keep a secret to save his life. 

Feelings lately make Kei a little angry. He’s always known that he’s had somewhat of a sour personality. Kei doesn’t need to be told that he’s smug to know that he is. He’s snarky and usually touchy, picky about the people that he hangs out with. It’s not really a secret that Kei is a hard person to get along with, but lately, he feels like it’s been worse. 

Maybe it’s because this is new territory to him. As conceited as it sounds, Kei has never liked someone first. It’s not because he doesn’t think anyone is worthy, but rather, because there are very few people he doesn’t find grating. Despite how he seems, Kei is incredibly sensitive about things, so naturally, it’s easier to get on his nerves. 

He’s dated before, though not for long, and all of his relationships have started the same way. Kei is approached by them, usually on the premise of looks, and he accepts. He’s not sure why he does. Sometimes it’s because he thinks they’re pretty, other times it’s because the romantic in him hopes that it will actually work out. It never has. 

Most of the time, Kei turns out to be different than they expected. He’s too touchy, too sarcastic, too awkward in his way of trying to love. To Kei, it has always felt like it’s ended just as he was beginning to develop real feelings. 

If he’s being honest, it’s given him a twisted inferiority complex. He’s worried that somehow, on a fundamental level, he’s not enough. Sometimes, it even goes so far as for Kei to think that he’s just generally disappointing. He tries not to be. Kei wants to be relied on. He wants to be someone his friends can go to when they need something sturdy. 

Despite his personality, Kei considers himself sturdy. Well, maybe stubborn is a better word. Kei considers himself stubborn enough to be made sturdy. He’s just a little awkward. That’s all. People seem to mistake that for being unreliable. It’s a peeve of Kei’s. 

Tadashi isn’t like that. Tadashi is bright and warm, reliable in every sense of the word. Kei actually looks up to him a lot, not that he’d ever say anything like that to his face. Sure, Tadashi’s not perfect, but at least people rely on him. At least Kei relies on him. 

Tadashi is more easy going than Kei is. He has an easier time going with the flow, which makes him more personable. Kei thinks that Tadashi is the closest thing that he’s had to a better half. In truth, without Tadashi around, Kei isn’t exactly sure what would have become of him. 

It’s pointless thinking about these sorts of things though. Kei realized a long time ago that thinking about being better won’t automatically make him better. This is just the way he is and Kei’s learned to accept that, whatever it means. Still, none of this changes the fact that he likes you. 

Kei could mull over thought after thought and he doesn’t think it would have any effect on the fact that he’s definitely developed a crush. He’s positive it will go away. In fact, he’s not even sure if it’s real. Maybe Kei is just jealous of you the same way he’s jealous of Tadashi. You’re bright and warm like he is. You and Tadashi are cut from the same cloth, so maybe that’s why the two of you get along so well. 

In all honesty, Kei wishes he could be a little more like Tadashi for that reason. Maybe if he were more like Tadashi, he’d have the courage to fully accept these new and uncertain feelings for what they are. But he doesn’t have that kind of courage, not right now at least. He doesn’t have the courage to solidify and lean into his feelings. Kei doesn’t want to risk what little comfort and security he has. If the relationship between you both is a blank page, Kei doesn’t have anything important to write. What if it ruins the paper? What if when he erases it, it changes the thing on a molecular level for the worse? The notebook theory. 

— 

Despite everything, Kei is rather self-aware. At least in his own head he is. Kei knows that when he pretends he doesn’t like you, he really ends up liking you more. He knows that he’s touchy, that he’s awkward, that he comes across more crass than he intends to. Kei is clumsy, not stupid. That doesn’t mean that he has to acknowledge it. 

You’ve been coming around more often since the conversation Kei had with you in the library. Maybe you’re more comfortable now knowing that he doesn’t hate you, so you’re happier to join Tadashi in their shared apartment. 

Kei feels bad about making you think that he hates you. Actually, he feels really bad about it. Like, astronomically bad about it. Embarrassingly enough, it actually keeps him up at night. So he goes out of his way to be a little nicer to you. The only other person he’s ever done that for is Tadashi. 

He greets you properly when you pass, despite the flare up of a medical condition he’s yet to fully diagnose brought on by your presence. He asks you questions about your studies, partially because he is genuinely curious and partially because he doesn’t want you to hate him. He thinks he’d die if you hated him. Kei’s being brave in his own way. It’s little, but he’s doing it. 

As a result, the two of you have grown a little closer. Kei has your phone number now, though he rarely has any reason to text you. Typing out a message to you makes him nervous. It makes him red in the face when you’re not even there. Somehow, having your phone number feels vulnerable to him, like he has access to you whenever he wants and you him. It means that if you wanted, you could make him nervous without even being nearby. That’s a lot for Kei to think about. 

Kei sees you in the library sometimes too, but he never takes the initiative to speak to you. You always come up to him first, clumsily gathering your things the way you did the day you and him sorted out your friendship and plopping them down in front of him. 

Sometimes, you both go several hours without saying anything to each other. Other times, you’ll chat away about something while leaning forward on the desk and Kei has to pretend that he’s not wildly nervous at your proximity. You’re so friendly. So genuinely warm that Kei can physically feel it when you talk. Despite his nerves, Kei would describe you as comfortable. You’re a comfortable person to him, as alarming as that is. 

His crush is out of hand. It scares him, not that he’s actively thought about that. What started as him noticing you has quickly ballooned into him being painfully aware of you at all times. He kind of feels bad about it. You don’t seem to think that he’s anything more than a friend and it makes Kei feel bad that he thinks of you as anything but that. He doesn’t want you to be just a crush to him. Kei wants you to be like Tadashi, someone he can rely on and be comfortable with. He almost feels like he’s reversed what’s been done to him his whole life, like somehow he’s only become your friend because he wants something more. 

Truth is though, he doesn’t want anything more. Kei wants to stay exactly where he is. He doesn’t want his crush to develop any further. He doesn’t want to confess, he wants to forget. Even now, sitting on a couch in the library, he wants to imagine he doesn’t feel anything at all for you.  

“Hey, are you okay?” You tilt your head at him. 

“Huh? Me?” He questions. “Yeah, I’m fine.” 

“You seem a little distracted,” you smile. “You’ve been staring at your computer for like… 10 minutes with this blank look on your face.” 

“You’ve been staring at me for 10 minutes?” He raises an eyebrow, trying to play off the embarrassment of being caught like that. 

“Not staring at you,” you huff, “but I definitely noticed.” 

“Ha, creep,” he tilts his head up a little, blowing air out of his nose. 

“You’re twisted, you know?” 

“Whatever,” he shrugs his shoulders and looks back at his computer screen. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees you shake your head and smile before looking down at your work. 

Tadashi has said the same exact thing to him before. In highschool, after Kei had made a joke about his teammate Hinata’s height, Tadashi had given him a look and snorted that he’s so twisted. He’s been hearing that sort of thing his entire life. 

“Hey, are you cool if I skip out of here early?” You ask a few moments later. 

“Oh, yeah sure. I don’t mind,” he nods, hiding his disappointment. “I didn’t realize that we had like… set times to be here.” 

You laugh lightly. “Well, we don’t, but we tend to come and go at the same time, no? I kinda look forward to it.” 

Kei envies your honesty. You’re so honest all of the time. You say what you feel when it pops into your head. He wishes he could be like that, maybe then he would be able to say that he does too. Instead, he just nods and swallows his heart back down. You smile at him again and then gather your things. 

“You’ll be home on Friday night, right?” 

“Uhm, yeah? Why?” 

“Tadashi invited me and a few friends over, did he tell you?” 

“I think he mentioned it.” Kei has actually been thinking about it for the last couple days. 

“Good, I’ll see you, right?” 

“Yeah, you will.” 

“Great, talk to you later then!” You smile and with that, you walk away. 

You sounded so certain in that statement. Talk to you later. You said it like it was inevitable. Thinking about that, Kei can’t help but watch you go. He even likes looking at the back of you, though he wishes he could see your face too. It feels worse to be walked away from than walked towards. 

Kei can’t tell anymore if what he feels is romance or jealousy. It’s probably both. It’s probably some mix of the two that he can’t quite sort out. He wishes it weren’t that way. Kei gets the feeling that he might be ruined. 

So he just watched you leave the library. Someone is waiting for you at the top of the stairwell. Kei can tell they’re a guy and despite the reluctance of his feelings, his stomach drops anyway when you nudge his shoulder with yours and loop your arm around his. That’s something you haven’t done to Kei before. Touch him. You touch this other person so easily. It makes Kei jealous. 

It makes sense that you might be seeing someone, that there might be someone else. After all, you’re you. Desirable. You look up at the stranger, leaning on him, smiling and flashing your teeth. Yeah, it makes sense. 

Turns out, it’s easier to pretend that he doesn’t feel anything when he thinks you’re interested in someone else. He likes to think it will save him the time of wondering. 

—

Kei has cleaned his room approximately four times today. Sure, it’s overboard, but every time he goes into it, he notices something else that needs to be spruced up. Like a pot with a leak, there is always something that he seemed to miss the last time he went through and cleaned up. 

It’s not like you’ll be in his room tonight anyway, but you will be in his apartment and that’s close enough to his room that he, for whatever reason, needs to make it so spotless that it looks like a set. Kei knows though, that even when you’re here, he’ll be wondering if there’s something else that he missed beyond the closed door and he’ll think about it incessantly. 

He’s been avoiding the thought of him liking you. Instead, Kei cleans and cleans and then cleans some more for good measure. It’s not like he has any sort of claim on you and he knows that it’s stupid to feel jealous over one interaction he witnessed by chance, but his mind is running away with him. Was that person your boyfriend? Has he been begrudgingly pining over a taken person all these months? Do you think that he’s creepy because of it? 

He doesn’t get to be upset over the idea that you’re seeing someone else. Why wouldn’t you be? Kei’s done absolutely nothing to indicate his interest in you (or lack thereof), besides maybe telling you that he doesn’t hate you. He has no right to feel the way he does, but he spirals anyway. His insecurities, the ones that gnaw at him in the hours before he falls asleep, play in a constant loop in his head. His unreliability, his unpleasant personality, his cynicism, the baggage he carries with him like a badge. All of it piles up one by one. 

Kei feels like a kid again, losing himself over such a simple interaction, over something so miniscule that it might not even be considered anything at all. There are a plethora of reasons for his feeling like this and Kei thinks he could draw one of his issues out of a hat and it would still somehow address the situation at hand, but all he really feels is hurt and he doesn’t want to explain it away. Kei finds that liking someone hurts. It hurts more than it feels good and the uncertainty chews at his patience and leaves it razor thin. It’s not your fault, nor is it the person Kei’s convinced himself you’re seeing, but he needs someone to blame and it can’t be himself. 

The idea of you relying on someone else makes him nauseous. He’d never considered the thought before, that you find him as unreliable as others do. Kei wants to be relied on, most of all by you, and that fact makes him upset. He’s afraid of what you think of him and without the confidence to accept his feelings, it threatens to crush him. 

Kei’s got this itch over it, so he tries to distract himself. Cleaning his space to prepare for you helps him delude himself that he doesn’t quite like you at all. It’s not your fault. He’s just confused, like his parents were when they married each other. It hurts. Like they were when they had him to try and fix their marriage, which had started to fall apart even when Akiteru was an only child. He’s confused. He’s jealous over your ability to live the way Kei has always wanted to. That’s all this is. Nothing more and nothing less. He feels like he’s being split in two, stretched thin between two modes of thinking. 

Kei glances over his shoulder and into his room one last time. He’s forgotten to wipe the mirror. He goes back in and the cycle starts itself over. 

—

He’s not proud of his behavior. Kei thinks only a seriously huge asshole would be proud of the kind of behavior he displayed tonight. He regrets it immensely, though some part of him is begrudgingly holding onto the idea that maybe he was right to be so short tempered. Of course, that’s a lunatic’s idea. 

Tadashi is standing by the apartment door, mumbling something to you behind it. Over Tadashi’s shoulder, he sees you shake your head and in response, Tadashi gives a small bow before shutting the door to the shared apartment. Then, Tadashi turns and walks towards him. 

Kei doesn’t want to look at him, but Tadashi, for some reason, commands his gaze. 

“Is there a reason you were such a huge cunt tonight?” Tadashi sort of spits the words. They land at Kei’s feet and roll around before settling. 

“What are you talking about? I was normal,” he answers, though the statement sounds like a lie the moment it leaves his lips. 

“Bullshit,” Tadashi says. “You were being an asshole the second they walked through the door and you’ve been one to me all day.” 

Kei scoffs, his cheeks burning, “I’ve just been tired, dude. Besides, what does it matter? You’re closer to all of them than I am.”

“What? You’re tired so you just get to be a huge asshole?” 

“No,” Kei responds. 

“So then what was that?” 

Kei doesn’t really know. He doesn’t know what prompted him to act so cold or make such snide comments. It’s true, he’d been in a bad mood all day and he knows that Tadashi has borne the brunt of his misplaced emotions, but even Kei is confused as to why he’d acted the way he did. Still though, there is a part of him that knows that it was connected to his spiraling and what he saw in the library. He’d sound insane if he said it out loud, like somehow his growth was stunted in the third grade, but Kei is sure it had something to do with liking you and the hurt that comes with it. 

It’s not as if he’d been outwardly mean, but he had been cold. There are parts of himself that Kei doesn’t want you to see, sections of his personality that he ropes off from you because despite not liking you, he wants you to see the best in him. Tonight, he managed to somehow show off the worst. 

It started with the noise when everyone had arrived. You, Hinata, Kageyama, Tanaka, Kiyoko, and Yachi had all piled into the apartment in one large group. Kei’d been sitting on the couch and the sound of the door startled him right off the bat. He assumed that by the time they all had rounded the corner into the living room, his face was already sour, because everyone had greeted him cautiously. 

It’s no surprise that everyone was so loud. Kei has known this particular group for many years and they, having all gone to school or work nearby, pile into his apartment often for events like these. You were really the only new factor in all of it and while Kei is known as a touchy person, he certainly was more touchy than usual tonight. 

You’d been trying to talk to him all evening and Kei, in a desperate attempt to avoid whatever lingering feelings he had for you, had been shutting you down at every turn. Thinking back on it, he’s endlessly embarrassed. You didn’t deserve that. You’d been nothing but kind to him and there Kei was holding a grudge over you for something he had no right to be angry about whatsoever. He had been holding a grudge over something that he’d learned later that evening that wasn’t even true. 

Kei thinks that what Tadashi is referring to, was deliberately picking a fight with Tanaka. Kei and Tanaka have never been particularly close. Even in high school, his boisterous and somewhat obnoxious personality has always rubbed Kei the wrong way. Despite that, Tanaka has somehow managed to maintain a connection to him through university and the two of them have established a tentative but honest friendship. 

You had been sitting on the arm of the couch beside Tanaka, leaning over him to look at something he was showing you on his phone. Then, you laughed a little too hard and Kei felt that familiar sense of injustice rise to his throat, thick and heavy. It’s an ugly feeling, the kind that makes Kei feel sick when he’s in bed late at night. Bile rose in his throat in the form of harsh words. Jealousy in the form of the verbal venom Kei excels at. 

For Kei, Tanaka was an easy target, someone he could poke at and get a satisfying rise out of. In the moment, the rise he’d gotten from Tanaka by making snide comments about the volume of his voice and his particular obsession with pretty girls had been exactly that, satisfying. 

He’d picked a small fight. Nothing physical, but just enough to get him irritated. Kei’s not proud of it, but he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t done it deliberately. After all, Tanaka has never been the type to be the bigger person and turn his nose up. 

Sometimes, when Kei is experiencing emotions he’d rather not deal with, he decides to obsess over one single thing. Usually, it’s cleaning or schoolwork. Tonight, it happened to be the volume of Tanaka’s voice, which he knows was a shitty thing to do. Despite wanting to be reliable, Kei can’t help but feel that he was endlessly immature, lashing out at someone completely unrelated to the situation just because he could. 

Tadashi pulls him from his thoughts. 

“I thought you liked them, dude,” his voice is even, letting up on the anger. 

“Who?” Kei plays dumb. 

Tadashi responds with your name and Kei stiffens slightly. “I thought you guys had gotten closer. What happened?” 

“Nothing happened,” Kei says. It’s the truth. Absolutely nothing happened. Kei had spiraled all on his own. 

“Why did you ignore them then?” 

“I didn’t ignore them,” Kei says. Again, it’s not a lie. He may have shut conversations down and been a little cold, but Kei couldn’t ignore you if he tried, it’s sort of the whole problem he’s dealing with now. 

“Maybe, but you were cold. Like… needlessly.” 

“I was fucking normal, Tadashi. You should know me well enough by now to know that,” Kei spits. 

“That’s the problem though, isn’t it? I know you and I know that shit wasn’t normal. You’re twisted, but you’re not an outright asshole, Kei. What’s going on?” 

“I was normal, Tadashi. Just because I didn’t bounce around or get rowdy, doesn’t mean that something is wrong,” Kei answers. 

“Yeah, but you were like… majorly fucking weird, Kei. You were being an asshole. Don’t you like them? Don’t you want to be nice to them?” 

“I don’t.” 

“You don’t want to be nice to them?” Tadashi scoffs, rolling his eyes. 

“No, not that. I don’t like them like that anymore,” Kei lies. 

“Oh please, that’s such horseshit,” Tadashi laughs bitterly. 

“Get off my ass, Tadashi. I don’t fucking feel that way about them anymore,” Kei insists. 

“Did something happen?” 

“No, literally nothing happened! Why does something have to happen? I just don’t like them,” Kei feels himself getting indignant. Tadashi doesn’t deserve this either, but he seems to be indiscriminate with his poor behavior tonight. 

Tadashi looks at Kei for a moment, studying him and calculating all of the things only Tadashi could know about him. Kei tries to hide it. 

“Jesus, Kei, you’ve got to stop doing this shit,” Tadashi touches his hand to his forehead. 

“Doing what?” 

“Getting all in your head about every single connection you’ve ever had with a person,” Tadashi raises his voice. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“It means I’ve seen you do this a million times! You start to really feel something for a person and then you fucking back away like a dog with its tail between its legs!” 

“I don’t do that!” 

“Yes, you do! You sabotage yourself until the other person is forced to do something about it!” Tadashi exhales. 

“I’ve never done that deliberately! What does someone else’s actions have to do with me?” 

“It doesn’t have to do with you,” Tadashi says, “It has to do with your parents.” 

The wind is knocked out of Kei, air sucked from his lungs. He furrows his eyebrows at Tadashi, his mouth slightly open. 

“I’m right, aren’t I?” Tadashi pushes, angry and trying to make him listen. “Not every relationship is like your parents’, Kei.” 

Tadashi knows he’s stepped over the line the moment he says it. If it hadn’t registered before, it registers clearly on his face now, regret settling over Tadashi’s usually bright features. Kei gapes at him for a moment, running through his thoughts and trying to pick out one that best verbalizes what it is he feels. Kei comes up empty. 

“Shit-” Tadashi starts towards him. “Kei, I’m sorry I didn’t mean that. I’m just pissed off I didn’t mean to-” 

Kei pushes past him. “Tadashi, I know you mean well, but don’t try to tell me about my fucking parents.” 

Tadashi doesn’t try to stop him when Kei flings the front door open and walks outside.

—

Kei remembers it like it was yesterday. He remembers all of it. 

He can clearly recall the way shattered glass looked on the marble tiles of his childhood home. White porcelain, broken up into multitudes by his mother and father. They never laid hands on each other, but everything else in the house was fair game. Kei’s lost count of the amount of broken glass dishes and picture frames he’d swept from the floor. 

Kei’s parents had always been on and off in their affection for each other. One minute, they were deeply in love and the next, they were at each other’s throats. Neither of them were bad people, but they made each other bad people. The two of them brought out the worst in each other, maybe on account of knowing the other so well. 

Akiteru was an accident. His brother knows this because when his parents argued, they never let him forget it. In their spats, leverage was whatever they could get their hands on, and that just happened to be Akiteru and the unfortunate circumstances of an accidental pregnancy. 

His parents got married at 19, thinking that they’d be able to handle a child, that their marriage was anything but rushed. They convinced themselves that it was love, when the reality was that Akiteru came because they were too young and stupid to prevent it. At least, that’s what Kei and Akiteru had settled on in the evenings after the yelling had died down and they were left to make sense of it in their shared bedroom. 

They had Kei to fix the marriage. Kei knows this because, like Akiteru, his father’s marital “solution” in the form of a second child was constant leverage to his mother. Kei grew up asking Akiteru why his mother and father even had children in the first place. 

Their relationship was rocky and unstable, predictable and toxic. They, like Kei, would do things to get rises out of each other. They’d make digs, do things to get under the other’s skin. They did it for attention, for affection, or out of loathing for the person they’d decided to make their life partner. When things settled, they got bored. His parents often mistakened calmness for complacency in their relationship. His parents loved each other, but they hated each other just as much, and it was he and Akiteru who paid the price. 

They got divorced when he was fourteen and any chance of Kei having a normal family went to the courthouse with the divorce papers. Akiteru was 20 at the time and managed to avoid the brunt of the custody battle. Kei still gets unexplainably angry with Akiteru for leaving him alone, though he knows that it’s not his fault. The only way Kei could make sense of it was through blame and it was easier to blame Akiteru for lying about volleyball or leaving him alone than it was to blame himself. Both Kei’s father and mother tried for full custody, not because they loved him that much, but because they knew that it would destroy the other. In the end, Kei spent his weekdays with his mother because she lived closer to his school, and weekends with his father just because. 

It happens all the time. People grow together, then grow apart, and grow to loathe each other. Kei watched it happen to his parents, he watched it happen to his friends, he watched it happen to himself with his own reflection. That’s just the way it goes. 

The air outside of his apartment is cool and breezy. He can feel the wind through his sweater, cutting through the gaps in the stitching and into his skin. Kei feels like he can think a little better out here, sitting on the short concrete wall with his back to the apartment building. He stares at his feet, outstretched in front of him. He's still wearing his house slippers. 

Kei did this once when he was younger. The fight that night had been particularly bad and his parents had resulted to throwing things across their bedroom. Kei could hear picture frames shatter through two walls and he wondered which memories they’d decided to trash. A particularly loud shout had sent Kei out of the front door and onto the curb in front of the house. 

He remembers crying, staring at his house slippers on the pavement, afraid because he could hear the shouting even from the lawn. Akiteru had come out to get him, sitting down beside him on the curb and putting his arm around him. 

“Are mom and dad gonna get divorced?” Kei had asked through sniffles. 

“Divorced? No, no,” Akiteru answered. “It’s just a rough patch. It happens to all couples. Mommy and Daddy will be fine.” 

“It’s normal?” Kei sniffled. 

Akiteru paused for a moment. Looking back, Kei realizes that Akiteru was debating on whether or not to lie to protect him. Kei wishes he hadn’t. 

“Yeah, it’s normal.” 

Normal. Kei realizes that he doesn’t exactly know what a normal relationship looks like. He is his parents' son. What they had in them, he has in him. Kei knows that those habits, the digs, the sour statements, the passive aggressiveness, are all things he’s picked up from watching them. Some role models they were. 

He needs to apologize to Tadashi. He may have overstepped, but Kei knows that he’d been an asshole tonight. He’ll need to apologize to Tanaka as well. And to you, which is perhaps the scariest part of this. He wants to apologize for his behavior, but apologizing means that he has to admit that he’d acted the way his parents did, out of jealousy and a pull for attention. Yup, he’s his parents’ son alright. 

Kei tilts his head up toward the sky. Only half of it is visible, the other half blocked by the three story apartment complex directly behind him. It’s a clear night, but he can’t see any stars and the moon is nowhere to be found. Kei wonders when the morning will come. It’s a few hours off, but he thinks about how the sky will look when the sun begins to rise. 

“Kei,” a familiar voice calls from in front of him. 

You’re a few feet away, your hands clasped in front of you. 

“Thought you went home,” he says. 

“Yeah well, I had intended to,” you start, “but you seemed off and I felt weird going back without checking on you. Can I sit?” 

Kei shrugs his shoulders, mortified and angry at being caught like this. He appreciates the thought, but you’re the last person he wants to see right now. It just means he needs to face his shortcomings sooner. 

“Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine,” Kei answers automatically. 

“Just decided on some fresh air?” You smile a little and Kei blows air out of his nose. 

“Yup, that’s exactly it.” 

You sit next to him with your legs outstretched the same way his are, your hands are laced together in front of you, hanging down between your thighs. Kei doesn’t make an effort to say anything and neither do you. Instead, he just trains his head back up towards the sky and attempts to collect his thoughts, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. 

Strangely, tonight he doesn’t feel nervous. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t have the energy to. Maybe he’s too preoccupied with being sorry to pay any mind to the heart palpitations he gets when you’re around. Maybe it’s because even though he showed you the worst of him tonight, you still came back. It’s a small hope, but it’s there. 

“Hey,” your voice comes quietly, “I don’t know what’s going on, but if you need- I mean- if you want to talk about it, I’m a pretty good ear.” 

Kei nods a little. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, “about tonight.” 

“I didn’t come here for an apology, you know?” You exhale a little. 

“Yeah, but you deserve one,” he says. “I was pretty shitty to you.” 

“Yeah, you were,” you agree, catching Kei off guard, “but it happens to all of us. Sometimes we feel things and just can’t keep them inside, you know?” 

“Yeah,” he agrees, swallowing down his shame. 

There’s another long silence. You don’t move to touch him or talk to him, instead, you provide steady company. Kei, as strange as it is, is comforted by your presence. 

“I fought with Tadashi,” Kei says after a few minutes. 

“Today?” 

“Yeah, tonight. After everyone left,” he says. “I deserved it though. I’ve been pretty shitty to him all day.” 

You hum, leaning back on your hands. 

“I did the same shit in high school too, you know?” Kei starts. “We’ve uhm- we’ve known each other for a while, the group that was over tonight. Around the end of middle school some shit happened and I uh- I took out a lot of what I was feeling on Tadashi and the others, but mostly Tadashi because he was the only one who knew.” 

Kei isn’t sure why he’s telling you this. Maybe Tadashi was right. Maybe this is another attempt at self sabotage. 

“You bullied him?” You ask, a little surprised. 

Kei shakes his head. “No, but I wasn’t very nice either. Anyone could tell you that. I thought I was past it, though,” he admits, a little defeated. 

“Did you ever apologize?” 

Kei looks up at you in surprise. Your eyes are full of something, curiosity, maybe pity. 

“For what you did in school?” 

He nods. “Countless times, and not just to Tadashi either, to everyone.” 

“You know, stuff like this happens,” you say. “When I was little, I used to hate sharing. Toys, food, friends. I’d hate it when my friends were friends with other people. It made me insecure and I’d get mad at them for it. I grew out of it, but sometimes I still get that way and I have to apologize later.” 

Kei laughs. It’s strikingly similar to what’s happening now, not that you’d have any way of knowing. 

“I can’t imagine you doing that,” he says. 

“I’m serious,” you say. “I still get weird over it sometimes.” 

Kei shakes his head a little, smiling. 

“All that I’m saying is that sometimes we slip up, that’s all. It’s normal,” you continue. “Not that I’m condoning it. Just saying that it doesn’t make you a horrible person. It makes you human.” 

“Thanks,” he says softly. 

“No problem,” you respond. 

“So why’d you fight with him tonight?” 

“He was angry with me because I was an asshole,” Kei shrugs.

“And you’re mad that he called you out?” You give a quiet and somewhat incredulous laugh. 

Kei shakes his head. “No, I’m angry about what he said after.” 

“What’d he say?” 

Kei debates on telling you. He doesn’t want to make himself out to be a victim. After all, Tadashi meant no harm, even if his comment did exactly that. 

“The argument kind of switched subjects,” Kei tiptoes around the fact that the subject was you. “He brought up a bad habit of mine and I got defensive.” 

“Okay,” you say, waiting for him to say more. 

“Remember when I said that something happened at the end of middle school and only Tadashi knew about it?” When you nod, Kei continues. “My parents got divorced. They were a bad match and it was messy. He brought it up.” 

You nod again, your eyes wide. 

“He didn’t mean any harm, I know that,” Kei inhales. “But uh- that stuff kind of sticks with you. Well, it’s stuck with me and I didn’t like having it used to explain my behaviors, even if he was right. I’m not deflecting or anything though. I know I was the problem tonight.” 

“Sure,” you say. “I’m sorry about your parents.” 

Kei shrugs. “It’s in the past. They’re both remarried now with new kids.” 

The last sentence leaves Kei with a sour taste in his mouth. His parents are good people, but after his childhood, he doesn’t think they have any business having more children. Maybe they’re capable of being good for them, but Kei doesn’t like to imagine that. It makes him feel like their marriage wasn’t the problem, but he and Akiteru were. 

“You say that like they got a new pet,” you smile a little. “Are you still in touch with them?” 

“Yeah,” he says. “I visit whenever I go back home, though they’re really not too far from here.” 

“That’s good of you.” 

“Well, they are my parents,” Kei says plainly. 

You’re the only other person he’s divulged this to by choice and your reactions, understanding and level-headed, make him feel better. It’s like getting a weight off of his chest. This is the worst of him. This little bit of information, his history of being unable to fully confront his feelings, of taking anger out on others when he was young, is where his problems originate. 

“Yeah, but you’re allowed to feel what you feel about it,” you say. “My mom died when I was eleven. Texting and driving. I’m still angry at her for it.” 

“I’m sorry,” he says. 

You shrug and offer him a wry smile. “It’s in the past, but I’m still angry even though I shouldn’t be.” 

“At her?” 

“Yeah,” you nod. “She made a stupid mistake that we’re constantly warned about and left my dad and me behind. I was so angry with her, still am. I love her though, perceived faults and all.” 

Kei thinks about whether or not he loves his parents. He thinks he does, even if he resents them. Kei can’t imagine what he’d do without them. Even though his childhood had few emotional comforts, he still can’t think about a world where he doesn’t visit home to have his mother’s cooking. That’s a world that you live in. 

“That’s hard.” It’s all Kei can think to offer. 

“It was,” you say. “Got easier though as soon as I started accepting things. Now I just miss her more than I hate her.”

Another bout of silence follows this. It must be close to two in the morning and he’s been outside so long that he can no longer feel the tip of his nose. 

“Anyway, about tonight,” you say, “it’s not a crime to feel what you feel, but if you need help, that’s what we’re here for. It’s easier to accept feelings and get hurt than to ignore them, don’t you think?” 

“Yeah,” Kei says, looking to face you. “Thank you.” 

You’re so pretty. It’s striking. The curvature and angles of your face, the gentle look in your eyes, softened by the conversation. Kei finds himself thinking that despite not wanting to face you a few hours earlier, he’s grateful that you showed up. You’re good in ways that Kei can hardly fathom. 

“You should go inside. Tadashi is probably wondering where you are,” you say, standing up. “Plus,” you pinch the tip of his nose between your middle and pointer knuckles, “your nose looks like a cherry tomato.”

“Rude,” he says, startled by the sudden touch. 

“Payback,” you shrug your shoulders and Kei rolls his eyes. 

“Do you need me to walk you home?” Kei offers, a bit nervous about you walking home on your own. 

“I’d love to take you up on that, but you seem tired and I don’t live very far,” you respond. “I’ll call you when I get home though, okay? Since you’re so worried.” 

Kei laughs a little and then nods, standing up. “Yeah, I am.” 

His honesty surprises even him, but you just tilt your head and give him a small smile. 

“I’ll see you on Monday,” you say. “Thanks for the apology” 

“Anytime.”

“I hope not,” you laugh and Kei follows suit. 

You begin to turn on your heel, giving a small wave. 

Kei doesn’t know what overcomes him, but he calls out your name and reaches for your wrist. Before he has a moment to think about what he’s doing, he pulls you to his chest in a hug. You stiffen and then relax in his grip, wrapping your arms around him. Your body is warmer than his, sending heat through the gaps in his sweater. 

“You can call even if it’s not to tell me you got home safe,” he says. “If you want to.” 

You squeeze him around the middle. “Okay, I will.” 

When Kei lets go, he finds that his face is burning. The cold has been replaced by a flush of blood, making his vision a little syrupy.

“Thanks for coming back,” he says. “Get home safe.” 

“Of course,” you sound a little dazed, wearing an expression that Kei thinks might match his. “And I will.” 

Then, you smile at him, flashing your teeth and giving him a wave. You hold up your phone and point to it. 

“Expect a call!” 

Kei nods and raises his arm to wave goodbye.

He stands and watches your figure as you walk down the sidewalk and turn the corner. When you’re out of sight, he lingers by the door to his building, just in case you decide to come back. You don’t come back, but Kei lingers anyway, considering the conversation. 

He goes inside, intent on apologizing to Tadashi. When he opens the door to his apartment, the lights are still on in the living room and Tadashi gets up from the couch and walks quickly down the hall to him.

“Kei, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-” 

“Don’t worry,” Kei says. “I know. I’m sorry about tonight too. And for treating you like that today. And for high school.” 

“High school?” Tadashi says, confused. “Why are you bringing up high school?” 

“Just wanted to apologize again.” 

Kei can feel his eyes drooping, exhaustion creeping into his body and replacing the elated feeling he had moments before. 

“I didn’t mean to bring your parents into it. How you like someone is none of my business,” Tadashi says. “I was out of line.” 

“So was I,” Kei admits through a tired sigh. “I shouldn’t have acted that way. I’ll apologize to the others in the morning.” 

Tadashi narrows his eyes a little and nods. Kei, besieged by that sleepy late night feeling, moves towards his bedroom. 

“Hey, Kei,” his voice comes out a little louder this time. “You’re being surprisingly easy-going. Are we good?” 

Kei scoffs a little, rubbing his eyes. “I just had some time to think, that’s all. And yeah, we’re good.” 

“Okay, are you good?” 

“Yeah, I am,” Kei says. 

Before he closes the door to his room, he furrows his eyebrows and makes a firm decision. 

“By the way,” Tadashi turns to him, cocking his head to the side in response. “I lied. I do like them.” 

“Could have guessed as much,” he responds, laughing a little. “See you in the morning.” 

“Yup, see you in the morning.” 

Kei shuts the door to his room. It clicks into place quietly. His room is spotless. It looks like a room that could be easily emptied at any time. He sighs, stepping into it and laying down on his bed. His phone is on the comforter next to him, lying face up. 

When it lights up, it illuminates the ceiling above him and he answers the phone without needing to check who's calling. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, I got home safe,” he hears your keys clink against something and then the sound of a door shutting. Then, he hears the sound of you laying down on your bed. He imagines you’re lying the same way he is. 

“Good, I’m glad,” he says. “No trouble?” 

“No trouble at all,” you say. He can hear your smile. 

“Thanks again for coming back tonight,” he says, turning over onto his side and letting the phone rest on the bed in front of his face. 

“Of course,” you say.

He doesn’t know what else to say. His nerves have caught up to him and your voice through the speaker sounds so close, like you’re whispering directly into his ear. 

“Okay, well I’m going to go to bed,” Kei starts. 

“Kei?” you say. 

“Yeah?” 

“I’m gonna take you up on your offer. About calling you. Just wanted you to know.” 

“Okay,” he swallows. 

“I feel a lot closer to you.”

“Yeah, me too.” 

“Goodnight, Kei,” you practically whisper. 

“Goodnight,” he responds, lowering his voice the same way you did. You hang up the phone and the call ends. 

He blinks at his phone for a moment before standing up and getting ready for bed. Kei goes through the motions while thinking about how the evening got here. He’d been certain before it began that he no longer liked you, that he was confused. Now, he’s certain of the opposite. 

He decides that he’ll like you for real this time. Even if he’s afraid of hurting himself, of hurting you.

Kei lays down in his bed and faces the ceiling. He thinks about his parents, about your mother, about you. The cadence of your voice, the slight tremor in it. He thinks about your expressions, understanding and unintrusive. He thinks about your history, the anger you’d admitted to him and the grace you’d given him in his own circumstances. 

He dreams of braids, like DNA. Coils of pink yarn woven together in an intricate pattern. A molecular change not visible to the naked eye. Morning comes like liquid gold, spilling across his bedspread in slats through the window.

—

Kei’s apologies go smoothly. Tadashi’s friends—his friends—are good people. They know him better than most and field his awkward, stumbling apology with steady hands. 

He’d explained his sour mood in as little detail as possible, deliberately omitting his feelings for you while doing so, and he made a special effort to apologize to Tanaka. He’s easygoing and quick to forget, but Kei knows that even after accepting the apology, Tanaka will lord it over his head for a week or two. Tanaka thinks those kinds of things are funny and Kei won’t try to tell him otherwise. 

You do take Kei up on his offer. You call him twice a week now. Sometimes it’s to tell him something relevant to him, other times, you just whisper into the phone that you just felt like talking. Either way, it’s not good for his heart. Kei thinks that at this rate, it might just give out. 

There are a lot of things that Kei could say about liking you. It makes his days a little brighter. When he remembers that he has someone he cares about like that, he feels a surge of excitement for no particular reason. He finds that he looks forward to seeing you and goes out of his way to do so, more than he did before he was willing to admit it. 

He’s noticed the way you eat, like every bite of food is even better than the last. He’s noticed that you wipe the condensation off of your cups before each sip. He’s noticed that when you’re studying, you’ll pull at the collar of your shirt absentmindedly and then become frustrated when it is stretched out of place. Kei likes all of these things about you. 

Kei has also found that liking someone hurts. It hurts worse than he thought it would. Insecurity weaves its way into even the most minor of interactions. He’s self conscious almost all of the time, adjusting his hair, clothing, glasses right down to minor details. As of late, Kei appears more put together than he ever has, but the reality is that he’s probably the least put together he’s ever been. 

When you’re around, Kei is awkward and clumsy. He drops things, trips over nothing, loses control over his lanky limbs and overshoots things. He feels like a teenager again, not that he’s that far off from one. 

Still, one thing overshadows all of this. Kei is so comfortable around you, so peaceful despite the nerves and insecurity, that he’s able to forget about the worst of it. Forgetting about the worst of things is not something Kei is particularly good at. He’s cynical by nature. You help to ease the burden of it. 

The coffee shop he’s visiting with you today is quiet. The room is decorated with dark oak wood and the tables are accented by the rings of the trees the wood was cut from. The early spring light filters in at angles through the windows letting out onto the street. It falls across your notebooks and the knuckles of your hand, wrapped evenly around a black pen. 

You’d brought him here to study instead of going to the library and Kei can’t help but think that it feels like a date. His tea sits half-finished in a mug beside his laptop, beginning to cool to room temperature. Your coffee sits by your unoccupied hand and every now and then, you’ll reach to take a sip of the warm beverage without even glancing up. 

Kei has spent so much time watching you today, that he’s hardly gotten any work done. His computer is open on a document with a paragraph of writing about nudity in the classical period, which he hasn’t touched in about 10 minutes. He’s been clicking blankly around the page, adding spaces and then deleting them and then glancing up over the edge of the screen to look at the way you purse your lips when you’re focused. 

“You’d get a lot more done if you stopped staring,” you say, not looking up from your notebook. 

Kei chokes on his exhale. “What?” 

You laugh a little, looking up at him through your lashes. God, you’re pretty. 

“The document?” You chuckle. “You’re not fooling anyone by clicking around randomly like that.” 

“Oh,” Kei furrows his eyebrows and shakes his head a little. “Yeah, just can’t seem to focus.” 

“What’s the paper on?” You set down your pen and cross your arms on the table. 

“It’s not really a paper,” he says. “It’s a visual analysis on the Aphrodite of Knidos.” 

“Is that the one without the arms?” 

“No, but they come from the same family of statues,” Kei smiles a little. 

You hum a bit. “Do you like it?” 

“Like, do I think the statue’s pretty?” Kei closes the screen of his laptop to see you better. “Yeah, I do. Learning about the history of it is a bit depressing though.” 

“Why?” 

“Well, Aphrodite was one of the most powerful Greek gods, right?” He says, and you nod your head and roll your eyes because you know that already. “But this statue group intrudes on a private moment of hers. She’s trying to cover up her body, probably just before or after a bath. It’s meant to be humiliating.” 

You tilt your head. “Sounds more interesting than molecular structures at least.” 

Kei laughs a little. “Yeah, I think it’s just a bit more interesting.” 

“Why did you choose to study art history?” You question, leaning forward on your elbows. 

Kei feels awkward at receiving the question. He doesn’t like talking about himself much, let alone his passions. They tend to get away from him. 

“Probably because I’m no good at art,” he smiles a little. 

“Such a shame, what with your artist’s hands and all,” you reach across the table and tap his knuckle. 

Kei feels the color rise to his cheeks. 

“You’re no good at art, so you study art history instead?” You press for more. 

“Yeah,” he says. “I like things that people make with their hands. There’s a lot of human expression in ancient art, good and bad. Gives a bit more context into who we were before.” 

You lean back in the chair, grinning at him. Kei bites the inside of his cheek and tries not to notice the slope of your neck. 

“Why are you studying molecular bio?” He changes the subject. 

You shrug your shoulders. “I want a good cushy job that makes me a lot of money.” 

Kei watches the corners of your lips curl up. 

“Plus,” you continue, “I wanted to show off a little bit.” 

“So you put yourself through four years of torture?” He raises an eyebrow. 

“Yup, I’m a huge masochist,” you grin. 

“You STEM kids are unbearable, you know?” Kei snorts. 

“But you like me anyway, yeah?” 

Kei nods, heat creeping up his neck, and watches you return to your work. 

It’s true, he does like you anyway. Kei likes you so much, in fact, that it frightens him. Well, the idea of liking someone has always frightened Kei, whether he’s noticed it or not. Commitment, or lack thereof, make Kei nervous in the same way heights do. He feels like he could lose his footing at any moment. 

That’s probably why he doesn’t want to do anything in particular about his feelings. Kei is content with just feeling them. He’s content to just be able to like you in his own way, even if nothing ever comes of it. He probably shouldn’t do anything about them, considering the back and forth battle he’s waged in his mind over the last few months. He’s too indecisive to do anything but like you, and even that feels herculean to accept. 

Not that liking you is a hard thing to do. You’re easy to like. It’s easy for him to picture touching you. It’s easy for Kei to imagine late night conversations and little intimacies shared over damp pillows. You’re easy to talk to, floating through conversations and navigating conflict with a sure step, something Kei can’t do. It’s not hard to find things to admire. 

Kei imagines what it would be like to be with you. He imagines the feel of your hands in his, how you might look spread beneath him, the inside of your thighs pressing against his hips. He imagines how his glasses might fog up with your breath and slip down the bridge of his nose. What do you taste like? What do you feel like? 

A little alarm bell sounds in his head. This is a dangerous line of thought, a greedy one. Kei doesn’t think he can handle greed, not when it comes to you. He got a taste of it that day when he saw you leave with someone else and again the following Friday. Kei doesn’t mix well with it, with wanting. Still, he wants. 

—

It’s a breezy day. It cuts the growing humidity as the beginning of May creeps on. This is no doubt one of the best times of year, though Kei prefers the fall or winter. Still, even with the slightly sticky air, his walk to class is pleasant. He’d even venture to say that it’s good. 

Light filters through the trees, blooming with their spring flowers, and in the distance he can see a familiar row of cherry blossoms just beginning to bloom. As he approaches them, he finds himself admiring their delicate petals, wondering just how brief their bloom will be before they come cascading down. One tree among the pink rows has yet to open its flowers. The buds sit on their branches, shades of green and gray. A late bloomer. This tree will no doubt flower once the other petals have fallen, and when it does, it’ll become the most eye-catching thing on the street. 

Kei admires it for a moment, standing below the thing and looking up through its twisting branches. It’s so small, much smaller than the rest of its counterparts, and its branches don’t look too full of yet-to-bloom buds either. 

There was a tree like this outside of Kei’s childhood home, the one his family lived in together when it was whole. It would always bloom a week after the others and every year he would worry that it never would. Of course, he kept this fear to himself, but he often watched it from his bedroom window when Akiteru was out. He’d press his face against the glass and pray for the flowers to come so that it didn’t get left behind. Sure enough though, it would bloom without fail and leave scattered pink petals across his yard and doorstep. Kei wonders if this tree in front of him will do the same. 

“Thinking about changing your major to plant sciences, Kei?” 

He jumps, started by your voice and your proximity. 

“Jesus,” Kei turns, “you need a bell or something.” 

“You’re the one standing in public staring at a tree with no flowers on it,” you laugh a little. 

Kei shrugs his shoulders, not really willing to give an explanation for the train of thought he was just on. 

“Where’re you headed?” he questions. 

“Dropping off an assignment,” you smile lightly, “wanna come with me?” 

“I can’t. I’ve got a class in 15.” 

“Fifteen minutes is fifteen minutes,” you shrug. “We’ll make it.” 

“We?” Kei raises an eyebrow. 

“Yeah, you come with me to drop off my paper and then I drop you off at class. It’s a win-win.” 

“Sounds like I’m just doing a lot of extra walking,” Kei snorts. 

“Yeah, but you get to do it with me so it’ll be more fun.” 

Kei folds and goes with you to drop off your assignment. It’s an essay assigned by an old-fashioned professor who doesn’t like electronic submissions. You comment off-handedly on what a waste of paper it is and Kei nods, just happy to hear about it. 

It’s strange. Kei is normally very tied to his routine. It keeps him sane, helps him to organize his thoughts and feelings into neat compartments. For Kei, an orderly life is an orderly mind. Somehow though, you ask him to deviate from that and he’s more than willing, eager even, to oblige you. Better yet, he does it without feeling off-kilter. Well, without feeling as off-kilter about his daily life. When it comes to you, Kei is about as stable as a pogo stick. 

The walk to your professor's office is only a few minutes from his classroom, just a few buildings over, but by the time you both arrive there, Kei’s palms are sweating. He resorts to shoving them in his pockets and wiping them on the inside of his pants, mortified at the idea of accidentally touching you like this. 

“Hey, about tonight,” you start after dropping the paper off with a quick bow. 

You’re supposed to come over. It’s the first time you and Kei have agreed to hang out at one of your places alone and Kei has been compartmentalizing his nerves so harshly that he’d almost forgotten about it entirely. Maybe that explains his easy-going mood. 

“Yeah?” 

“So, Tadashi may have mentioned it in front of the others,” you give him a sheepish grin, “and they may have asked to come and I definitely told them ‘the more the merrier’.” 

“Oh, yeah?” Kei’s a little disappointed. “So they’re coming too?” 

“Yeah, is that okay?” You furrow your eyebrows. 

Kei can’t very well come out and say that it isn’t, because his reason for thinking that is entirely about monopolizing your time. Kei says he doesn’t want to do anything about these feelings, but that doesn’t mean that he can’t indulge just a little into the foreign feeling of accepting that he’s ‘in like’. 

“Yeah sure, why wouldn’t it be?” 

You raise an eyebrow at him and Kei misses the message entirely. 

“I dunno, you’re not really a fan of bigger groups right?” 

“Not really,” Kei shrugs, “but I’ve known them for a while so it doesn’t count.” 

You nod your head and then smile. “Great! Now, where is your class?” 

“Social Sciences,” Kei glances down at the brown watch on his wrist. “In about… four minutes.” 

“Wanna run? Can’t be late, can you?” 

Kei does not want to run. He runs anyway. You’re faster than he is and your step is louder. The soles of your shoes thump on the floor with every step you take and your whole body lurches forward with each bound. When you reach the end of the hallway his class is in, Kei is completely winded. Considering that he plays volleyball as a hobby, he should really be in better shape. He attributes his lack of breath to your presence. Maybe he’d been holding it while watching you run. 

You glance into his full classroom, giving him a relieved look upon seeing that the professor has not begun her lecture yet. Then, you bounce twice on the tips of your toes and start jogging in the other direction. 

“Have a good class!” You call. 

“What’s the rush?” he questions. 

“I’ve got class now too, dummy. Just wanted to hang out with you for a few more minutes.” Then, you turn and run off, your bag bouncing against the side of your leg as you round a corner and fly down a set of stairs. 

That’s the thing about you that Kei can’t get enough of. When Kei takes a step back, when he resigns himself to being okay with just a chance meeting and a brief hello, you take a step forward. Whatever Kei lacks, you make up for tenfold. Your outstretched hand makes him greedier. It makes Kei want more than he’s ever wanted before. He goes to class starved for something that isn’t food, a feeling Kei hasn’t experienced often, let alone leaned into. He lets himself feel the hunger. 

—

Day melts away to a cool evening, still slightly wet, but like the dampness before rain. The air loses its warm touch, creeping into something chillier. Kei opens his bedroom window to let the air in. He likes the smell of cool nights. He wants his room to smell like it when he sleeps tonight. 

“Sorry that I spilled the beans about tonight,” Tadashi leans in the doorway of his room. 

“It’s not like that,” Kei rolls his eyes, already irritated with the implication that whatever you and Kei had organized was anything more than two friends hanging out. 

“Sure it isn’t,” he laughs. 

“I’m serious dude,” Kei fights the urge to throw something soft at him. 

“You wanted to hang out with them alone, right?” Tadashi tilts his head. His dark hair falls to the side and around his neck. 

“I just said it wasn’t like that!” 

Tadashi gives an even laugh. “You’re the one making it dirty, Tsukki, not me.” 

Heat floods Kei’s face, painting it red. 

“Caught ya,” Tadashi smiles. 

“When the hell are you moving out?” Kei grumbles and Tadashi gives another good natured laugh. 

“Not until you do. You’re stuck with me.” 

“Not if I kill you,” Kei doesn’t smile when he says this. 

Tadashi barks a laugh. “So what changed?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean with you. You seem a little more upbeat lately,” Tadashi says. “Nothing like the sad sack from a few months ago.” 

“I was kidding before but now I’m serious. I really will kill you.” 

Tadashi shakes his head a little but doesn’t say anything, intruding on Kei’s space until he gives an answer. 

“I just got tired of it, that’s all,” Kei says evenly, though it’s a little hard to admit. 

“Tired of what?” 

“Pretending,” he says plainly, glancing up at Tadashi in the doorway. 

“Because of them?” 

“No,” he starts. “Maybe. I don’t know. Can you leave now?” 

Tadashi shakes his head. “Too curious to leave.” 

“I don’t have an answer for you,” Kei grumbles. “I got tired of pretending I didn’t want them.” 

“Not like you were very good at pretending,” Tadashi laughs and Kei tosses him a sharp look. 

He raises his hands defensively, tucking his chin downwards and laughing lightly. “Okay, fine. I’m gone now.” 

“They’ll be here in an hour or so, by the way,” Kei adds and Tadashi gives a little hum to confirm that he’s heard him as he leaves the room. 

Kei glances around his room. The floor is bare, save for a small mat by the side of his bed to keep the shock of warm feet on a cold floor in the morning away. That notebook, dear to him as it is, still sits on the desk. It’s empty, but Kei likes the look of it. 

The hour before you and his friends are meant to arrive goes by so slowly that Kei worries that he’s gotten the day wrong. He incessantly checks his watch. It’s a brown leather watch with a square face. Thin and somewhat old fashioned, Kei prefers it to pulling his phone out to check the time. His Dad has one like it, almost matching. It had been given to him as a gift at his high school graduation and Kei had accepted it begrudgingly. He’d not been on good terms with his parents then and having them both in the same space for his graduation day was more trouble than it was worth. Still, he wears the watch almost daily. Despite having the impression that his parents never really cared about him, it was a fine gift for him and the brown strap suits his light skin tone in the same way it suits his father’s. 

He walks to the mirror in his room, hanging on the wall beside his nightstand, and peers into it. Kei’s curly hair is somewhat unruly. It’s hard to manage, especially in the warmer months when his waves turn into frizzy curls that he can’t seem to keep down. It’s gotten longer, coming down to just above the bottom of his ears at the back and curls upwards in licks of thick blond. 

Kei fiddles with it for a moment, tucking it behind his ears and then deciding to pull it forward. He could put gel in it to help calm it down, but he hates the greasy look of it and he’s never been one to primp and preen. He adjusts his glasses on his nose, square frames in a tortoiseshell pattern. They look expensive, though they’re only a cheap pair that he’d found at the drug store and had the lenses replaced. 

He looks normal. Kei looks like himself, if not a bit flushed in the face from his nerves. His reflection is one he is oddly unfamiliar with, despite it being his throughout his entire life. At some point during high school, he’d stopped recognizing the man in the mirror as Kei and started viewing him as a separate entity. Kei Two, a version of him that can make a home out of a space and find things to write in his notebook. Kei Two’s family is still whole and unbroken, and he likes to imagine that he’s a little more friendly than the real-world version. He looks away from the mirror, content today with being the original. 

Kei is in the living room and around the corner when the front door latch clicks open and is followed by a symphony of raucous voices. He takes a sharp inhale, unsure of why this feels so different from the hundreds of other times you’ve all piled into his living room. 

“Where’s Kei?” He hears you call, dragging out the syllable of his name in a soft hum. 

That’s why. It’s because this time, you’ve come here to see him specifically. You’re not here to see Tadashi or by chance, you’re here because you’d made plans to see Kei. That’s what makes it different. 

You round the corner and Kei is hit full force in the chest with his emotions and his nerves. It happens all at once, keeping the air from his lungs. You’re smiling, beaming even, and Kei thinks that maybe it’s because you can hear the hammer of his heart against his chest. 

“Hi,” you breathe, plopping down next to him on the couch. 

“Hey,” he chokes out. 

Kei chides himself for his nerves. He’d been doing better about getting weird around you, but today he feels closer to blowing up than he ever has. 

Hinata, Kageyama, Yachi, and Noya make their way into the kitchen, each one clapping Tadashi on the back as they do. They beeline for their fridge, opening the door and flooding the floor with artificial white light as they pull out enough beers and sodas to supply a small army. Kei wonders why he and Tadashi ever bought so many of them. Kei hardly drinks, but he supposes that Tadashi just likes to host. 

“Tanaka and Kiyoko?” Tadashi questions as he makes his way into the living room with the group. His beer cracks open with a satisfying pop. 

“Date night,” Noya says, sinking into one of the arm chairs situated around the coffee table. “So annoying.”

He groans about Kiyoko, someone he’s all but worshiped since high school. 

“You’re just mad it isn’t you,” Kageyama quips, giving a somewhat mean grin. 

“Not true,” Noya argues. “I am the happiest person in the world for them! But now they go on dates and I can’t come. It’s like I lost a bro.” 

“You’re so overreacting,” Yachi adds, her lips forming around high pitched syllables. “They’re here most of the time.” 

“Yeah, most but not all,” Noya pouts. 

“Give the same energy to Daichi, Suga, and Asahi next time, kay?” Tadashi laughs. 

Their friend group is a large one, consisting of most (if not all) of their highschool volleyball team. While Hinata, Kageyama, and Yachi are the same age as Kei and Tadashi, Tanaka and Noya are a year older, and Kiyoko is two. Daichi, Asahi, and Suga all went to universities outside of Sendai, meaning they hardly ever see them. All in all, the rest of the group is pretty bummed about it. Kei just finds that he misses having Daichi around to reel everyone in. Now that he’s gone, that job has somehow gone to Tadashi, who is more of an enabler than anything else. 

“They’re different and you know it,” Noya frowns, opening his open beer with a hiss through his teeth. 

You lean to the side, bumping your shoulder against Kei’s. 

“Who’re Daichi, Suga, and Asahi?” You ask softly. 

“You’ve never met?” Kei furrows his eyebrows and you shrug. 

“Maybe, but if I have it was only once or twice.” 

“They’re friends from our volleyball team in highschool, but they’re two years older.” 

“Okay, so one year older than me?” 

Kei blinks a few times. “You’re a year older than me?” 

“Yeah?” You laugh a little like it’s obvious. 

“But aren’t you a fourth year?” He furrows his eyebrows. 

“I took a year off before starting college,” you shrug your shoulders. “Thought that I had to get my sillies out.” 

“Your sillies?” Kei laughs a little. 

“Yeah,” you smile, “and I had to save up some money. It makes the world go ‘round, you know?” 

“What are you guys whispering about?” Tadashi gives Kei a wry grin over the top of his beer can. 

It’s only then that Kei realizes the way you both are leaning into each other. He’s tilting his head down to hear you better and you’re leaning forward. It gives off the impression of two people conspiring, of closeness that Kei hadn’t even realized had crept up on him. 

“I was asking who Daichi, Suga, and Asahi are,” you shrug off the moment, leaning back in the chair. 

This prompts a chorus of disbelief, everyone jumping in to describe them to you. Kei takes it as a moment to breathe, inhaling and exhaling. He can feel your thigh against his, just barely there and bleeding warmth through the fabric of his jeans. 

They delve into stories about nationals, little details that Kei had forgotten a long time ago. Every now and then, someone will bring up Kei’s more-than-sour personality and he will feel the need to hide the embarrassment on his cheeks. Even though you know about it, it’s still mortifying for Kei to hear. He wants you to see the best in him, but any hopes he had of you forgetting are quickly washed away as someone brings up Kei’s relentless prodding of Kageyama’s easily pushed buttons. 

You laugh along with them like you were there, amused to hear stories about your college friends in their high school years. Kei finds himself thinking that you fit very well into this scene. 

Still though, despite the fun he’s having, Kei’s battery begins to run out quickly and after a long game of cards, he gets up to take a quick break in the kitchen. It’s not that he wants the night to end, but rather that he just needs a minute to himself and uses the idea of more snacks as an excuse for it. 

He reaches into a cabinet, pulling out a half-finished bag of chips and setting them on the counter. They’re clipped with a bright red chip-clip from the grocery store and Kei thinks that because of that, they shouldn’t have gone stale yet. If it were the peak of summer, Kei might think twice, but this time of year, they should be fine.

Then, he bends down to get a large white mixing bowl from a lower cabinet. Their plates and bowls are kept in various different cabinets, though the only reason they stay somewhat organized is because of Kei. 

“Done already?” You lean your hip against the counter. 

“With what?” Kei struggles to keep his eyes from following the line of your body. 

“Hanging out,” you smile lightly. 

“Not really,” he says. “Just needed a minute and decided to get more snacks.” 

“Wanna go sit outside for a bit then?” 

Kei glances into the living room where the group chatters away. He’d hate to be stopped on the way. 

“Relax,” you laugh. “They’re so caught up they won’t even notice that we’re gone.” 

Kei furrows his eyebrows and then shrugs, swallowing his heart down with the spit that has pooled in his mouth. He follows you out of the front door, shutting it with a quiet click and heading down the steps of the complex and to the concrete wall lining the shrubbery outside. It’s the same place you’d come back to talk to him at all those weeks ago, though he is in considerably better spirits than he was then. 

It’s a cool night, the gentle heat of the day completely burned off to make way for a crisp breeze. He inhales, wishing that he had brought a drink to fiddle with and sip on to distract him from his nerves. 

You sit beside him, leaning back on your palms with your legs outstretched in front of you. Your hand is only a few inches from his and Kei sucks in a breath when he accidentally touches it while he gets comfortable. You only offer him a little smile in response. 

“Sorry again about bringing the troops here,” you speak first. 

“That’s really okay,” he says. “Contrary to popular belief, I actually really like them.” 

You snort. “I hope so.” 

Kei inhales louder than he intends to and when you look at him like he’s going to say something, he just holds his breath and shakes his head. The air only leaves him when you finally look away. 

“Kind of a bummer though,” you start, “I was kinda excited about just hanging out with you.” 

Kei’s breath catches in his throat. He swallows to move the metaphorical blockage. 

“We hang out all the time though,” he says like it’s enough. Of course it’s not enough. 

“Guess so,” you smile a little, though Kei can hear the distinct turn of disappointment in your voice. 

“You know,” he starts, already embarrassed at what he’s going to admit. “I wanted to be your friend for a while.” 

“Oh yeah?” you smile, opening up again and turning towards him. “Why?” 

Kei shrugs, resisting the urge to shut down completely. It’s embarrassing admitting to someone that you wanted to know them before you actually knew them. 

“You kind of reminded me of Tadashi,” he says. “And you both got along so well.” 

“Tadashi? I’m nothing like Tadashi,” you laugh, shaking your head. 

“What? No, you two are so similar,” Kei insists, lacing his fingers together. 

“What about us is so similar?” 

“Well, you’re both sociable and warm and…” Kei trails off. He can’t really think of anything else. You look at him with an expectant look in your eyes. 

“See?” 

Kei realizes that the two of you are not similar at all. Your warmth is where the similarity stops. He’d been likening you to Tadashi this entire time, not because the two of you are similar, but because you make him feel similar to the way Tadashi does. Safe and comfortable, though with the added addition of deeply awkward. He realizes that without the safety net of you being like Tadashi, he’s never had any ability to deny his feelings and with that they rage full force around the corner and slam into his chest like a heavy blow. 

“We’re nothing like each other,” you laugh and lean back against your palms. “Though, it would be cool to be like Tadashi.” 

Kei experiences the sudden realization that he doesn’t want you to be like Tadashi. Kei wants you to be like him. He wants you to be greedy and want him the same way he wants you. He wants you to be able to keep up with his turns and his moods, something he didn’t realize he wanted in the first place. If you’re like Kei, then Kei doesn’t have to be afraid of showing you the worst. You’ll have already seen it. If you’re like Kei and he loves you, then what is stopping you from loving him? 

“Even if you’re not like Tadashi, that’s fine.” His cheeks burn. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah, I like you all the same,” he admits quietly. 

“The same? As Tadashi?” You purse your lips a little. “I thought I was a little different. Was I wrong?” 

Kei wants to kiss you. Kei wants to kiss you so badly that his mouth has gone dry and his lips feel like they’ve separated from his body. Anything he’d thought about not wanting anything with you flies out of the window with your proximity. You’re so close to him. Close enough that if he leaned a little to the right, his shoulder would be against yours. You’re so close and you’re looking at him like you’re waiting for something, implying that somehow you’re different from Tadashi. Implying that you want him to like you differently than the way he likes his platonic friend. 

“No, you’re different,” he says, taking the bait you’ve laid in front of him. His heart pounds and he can’t look at you. He thinks he’ll kiss you if he does. 

“Am I?” 

Kei can hear the smile in your voice. It makes what you’re saying sound honeyed and curved. 

“Yeah, you are.”

“How so?” 

Kei finally raises his head to look at you. You’re grinning, leaning towards him like you’re watching a show. He feels the way his nerves rise into his throat, pressing against the very back of his tongue. He doesn’t know how to answer or what to say. Well, he does know what to say, he just doesn’t think he can. Kei is good at thinking about emotions, but when it comes time to speak them outloud, it seems that he’s still got a padlock around his throat. So he does what any logical person would do. 

Kei leans forward, pushing against his screaming nerves and trying to ignore the tremble in his hands, and kisses you. It’s awkward and his teeth click against yours before his lips fully settle against your mouth. He feels the breath you draw in, like surprise and relief mixed together, and he finds that he does the same. 

He can see the way your eyes flutter closed through his barely open ones and he realizes that your lips are so warm. He screws his eyes shut when you dip your head forward to move your lips against his. Yours are so warm and soft, like satin. A kiss has never felt like this to Kei before and he finds that he wants to catalog every single one of your reactions. Maybe that’s what he could write in the notebook. Maybe he could write down every single thing that you do that leaves him winded and wanting more. 

Neither of you reach for the other, but he can feel the knuckle of your pinky against his as you slowly kiss each other, tilting your heads side to side. There’s hunger within him, the need to take more than what he’s receiving and a greed he isn’t quite familiar with, but there’s also romance. It’s like a spell that’s yet to be broken, fed by the click of your mouths as they move together. Kei sighs, flooded with the relief of this kind of physical affection, of being honest with himself at how much he likes it. Kei loves the feel of your mouth. He loves the way your lips and tongue feel and he loves that they’re all that he can feel right now. 

The kiss lasts longer than Kei thought it would and by the time he pulls away, you’re both steadily panting and attempting to keep your breathing even. He wants to do it again. He wants it so badly that it makes his chest swell. He wants to do that with you forever, but he swallows down the desire. It’s a temporary fix, but it’s enough for him to choke out what it is he wants to say next. 

“I think I’m in really hot water,” he squeaks. 

“What do you mean?” You breathe out, the playfulness from a few moments earlier long behind you. 

“I think I want you way more than I thought I did,” he admits quietly, the first out loud admittance of his feelings to you. 

You smile a little before speaking. “I think it’s only hot water if the other person doesn’t feel the same way.” 

Your face is still so close to his. “Yeah?” 

It comes out a bit desperate, like he needs reassurance. Kei does. He’s so afraid that he thinks he could die. Afraid of the spell breaking, afraid of losing whatever moment this is and being forced to return to his one-sided pining, afraid that you don’t feel the same way.

Your face moves closer to him, breath trembling lightly. “Yeah.” 

You kiss him again, pressing your lips against his lightly before parting them. He’s so overwhelmed and so immediately lost in it. Kei feels the way your tongue teases the inside of his mouth and it makes him feel like a teenager again, swelling with desires and emotions that he can’t name. You move your hand over his, placing it lightly on top of his, and he reacts by lacing your fingers together and pushing forward more. 

Kei wants to touch you so badly, to reach up and hold your face, to touch your waist and your legs and your chest. He wants to do it all, to feel you right here under the cover of night, but he doesn’t. Instead, he kisses you and stews in the desire, letting it swell in his chest as he listens to the clicking of your mouths. You kiss him so slowly, moving your mouth at a languid pace. It drives him crazy. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get enough of this.

“We should go back inside, I think,” you break away, your bottom lip shiny with a sheen of spit. “The others might think something’s up and Tanaka isn’t exactly good with discretion.”

Kei automatically reaches up to swipe it with his thumb. He doesn’t know where this affection comes from, where the possessive action found its origins, but he finds that he likes the way it feels to be able to do it in the first place. 

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Kei responds, though he would have been happy to continue sitting out here with you, kissing you silly. 

You stand first, dusting off the back of your legs and waiting for Kei to follow suit. When he does, you reach quickly for his hand, giving it a quick squeeze before walking in front of him. 

Kei is not sure how he should act when he goes inside. He’s tense all over, desperate to pick up where the two of you left off, and unsure if his face betrays that thought. 

“Where’d you guys go?” Tadashi asks as Kei closes the door behind him. 

In the time you’d both been gone, the living room has been transformed into something nearly unrecognizable. Empty beer cans are strewn about the tables and the blankets and pillows from the couches are now haphazardly laying around beside the couch or over people’s bodies. Then again, maybe the room always looked like this and he was just too busy thinking about how close you were to him. 

Kei doesn’t know what to say. Why had they gone outside in the first place? He’s not even sure that he remembers. 

“I wanted a cigarette and I made Kei come with me,” you answer evenly. “Why? You jealous?” 

“Of inhaling second-hand smoke? No, thanks.” Tadashi laughs, but he tosses Kei a sideways glance. Tadashi knows him well enough to know that Kei wouldn’t voluntarily stand outside with a smoker unless he was particularly fond of them. 

“Aw, man, I thought you quit?” Hinata pipes up, tilting his head. 

“I did, hot stuff,” you respond, sitting down on the couch. “Don’t worry. I won’t smoke anymore.” 

Hinata huffs and Kei takes the opportunity to sit down next to you. 

His thigh is pressed against yours, warmth seeping through his pants and into his skin. Kei feels like he could explode. You’re so close to him again, closer than before, and he can’t stop replaying the kiss in his head. He’s desperate for it, fidgety with his desire. He keeps thinking about the hot press of your mouth and the languid motion of your tongue. All he can imagine is the few points of contact between you both, mouth and hands, and how badly he wanted it to be more. He needs it. 

You touch him a few times throughout the night and the tension is so palpable that Kei is convinced he can see it. It’s like there is a rope pulled taut between the two of you. If he doesn’t stick his ground, he’ll go flying towards you, grabbing and touching and taking in the way he’s desperate to now. 

After an hour, his friends begin to grow restless. Their faces are flushed with alcohol and the things they’d been amusing themselves with are no longer enough stimulation. 

“Hey, we’re going out to the bars. Who’s coming?” Hinata speaks up. 

A chorus of agreement rings out, but the last thing Kei wants to do is go out.

“I think I’ll probably stay back and start cleaning,” he says somewhat disdainfully. “It’s a mess in here,” Kei tosses you a small glance. It’s unintentional but he’s glad for it because Kei is hoping that you’ll stay back with him, that you both can pick up where you left off. 

“I’ll stay and help too. I’ve got an early morning tomorrow anyway,” you smile and Hinata pouts. 

“You guys are so boring,” he protests. “Leave the mess for tomorrow and come out with us.” 

“I’ll pass, pipsqueak,” Kei scoffs. 

“Fine, but don’t complain to me when you’re full of regret tomorrow,” he points a finger at Kei and then moves it over to you. “And you’re too nice for your own good.” 

“Do you hear that?” You say, beginning to usher the group to the door. “I think it’s the sound of the bar and all that alcohol calling to you guys.” 

“You guys are so full of shit-” Kageyama starts, speaking up for the first time in a while, but Kei just waves him out. 

“Yeah yeah, let the grown ups clean while you guys have fun. We’ll see you tomorrow.” 

The rope is so taut between you both that it’s unbearable and by the time the door closes, you are spinning around on your heel toward Kei. 

“We’re not cleaning, right?” 

Kei shakes his head and starts towards you. The tension breaks when his hands find your hips and he hungrily leans down to press his mouth against yours. 

This kiss is different from the first, desperate and full of desire. It’s fast and your mouths move together quickly as he starts to walk you back towards his bedroom, his hands eagerly roaming up and down your hips. Vaguely, he acknowledges that his glasses have been moved out of place, but he pays it no mind as you turn the knob to his bedroom door with your back to it. 

There’s an urgency to his movements. Kei feels it in his chest, this desperate desire to be closer, to consume everything that you’ve laid out in the palm of his hand. You stumble backwards into his room and Kei catches your shifted weight with a hand around your waist. His other hand comes up to cup your cheek, feeling the warm skin on your jaw and neck. His fingers tremble where they touch you, half out of desperate need and half out of the nerves that threaten to spill from his mouth. His lips though, are occupied with yours, clicking together, all tongue and teeth. 

Kei kisses sloppily down your jaw, his lips smearing across your cheek and dipping down below your ear. He sucks a trail there, unsure if he’s leaving marks, all the way down to your collarbone. Every part of you tastes better than he’d expected it to and with every push he delivers, you pull. 

You make small sounds, little pants and groans that make Kei’s hair stand on end with wanting. Your voice, so familiar and fond to him, spills out in small, breath-like bursts that make Kei want to coax more out of you. Kei’s never been one to want this way, but right now, it’s all that he feels. So much tension and impulse that he feels like he can hardly control himself. 

You reach blindly behind you for the bed and Kei guides you down, placing his hand on one side of you as you sit. Then, without disconnecting your lips, he guides you up toward the wall. 

He feels the cool tips of your fingers at the hem of his shirt, pulling downward and then upward to get him to take it off. Kei obliges you, leaning back on his knees and pulling it off over the top of his head. You eye him for a moment, the two of you slowing down enough as the urgency settles into something heavy and lingering. 

Kei leans forward again, one of his hands reaching for your hip. He slips his fingers underneath the hem of your shirt, sliding his long fingers up your stomach as he kisses you again. You’re so soft and he can feel the way your chest heaves against his palm. His touch is feather light and he slides it up evenly until it reaches just below your breast. When you nod, Kei moves it up over your bra and he feels you shudder. Kei does the same, overwhelmed by your pliability. 

He can feel the goosebumps that have raised on your skin, little pinpricks of skin that indicate that some part of you feels good. When Kei squeezes your breast, you gasp into his moan and he groans his response, letting you bite at his bottom lip. 

He feels you suck at his lips and swipe your tongue along the ridge of his mouth. When he opens it to let you in, he’s overtaken by the warmth of the soft muscle. He groans, tilting his head down to kiss you deeper, letting the taste of you spread over his mouth. It’s hot and your breath fans across his face. 

Kei hands drift from your breasts along the sides of your body. He feels the heave of your breath there against your warm skin, his palms resting on your waist. You raise your knees, the sides of them pressing against Kei’s hips. He shifts downwards slowly, dragging his mouth along your skin, past the cloth of your shirt. 

His hands make their way from your waist to your hips as he dips lower. Kei takes off his glasses, already fogged up and in the way. When he meets your eyes, you nod your permission and Kei slips between your legs, his flat palms moving to spread your thighs. 

You’re so warm and soft, so pliable in a way that Kei can’t articulate. It makes his mouth water with his desperation and he’s grown hard against the bedspread beneath him. 

“Touch me,” you breathe out. 

Kei nods into your stomach, looping his fingers around our waistband, and pulls down your pants. Your panties come with it and it’s with a slight wave of regret that he realizes he won’t get to see the way you stick to them. 

When he sees you, his heart leaps into his throat. His eagerness and his nerves catch up to him and he lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. You shudder when the air hits your exposed cunt, an unintentional side effect of Kei’s nerves that has him grinding down against the bedspread. 

He slides his palm to rest over your center. It’s warm and sticky, wet beyond what Kei had imagined and he gingerly presses a finger between your folds. You gasp, mouth falling open above him. Then, he slides his finger into you to the first knuckle, curling up. Kei goes deeper on the second pump, curling his whole finger inside of you and feeling the way you tighten around him. 

You arch your back up off the bed and Kei groans and rolls his eyes, resting his head on the inside of your exposed thigh. He curls his fingers in you, watching the way they coat with your pleasure. His eyebrows are knit together, like he’s asking whether you like how he touches you or not, and you seem to pick up on his insecurity, nodding your head before letting it tip back against Kei’s pillows. 

Kei thinks your expression is incredible. Your eyebrows pull up in the center, pretty face twisted and mouth slightly open in an expression of undeniable pleasure. Kei’s stomach winds at the look of it and he ruts his hips against the mattress to quell the growing ache of need. His fingers, which curl at a slow and even pace inside of you, are warm with your enjoyment. It leaks between his knuckles, sliding down the back of his hand like a slow moving syrup. He wonders whether you have more to give and how you taste, his gaze slinking from your face to the place just above where his fingers disappear. 

He lowers his mouth to you without thinking, curious and needing the taste of it. Sure enough, you have more to give. Your voice comes quickly, a small gasp that is stifled by the back of your hand when he sucks sharply on your clit. Your hips push forward against his hands and then you arch up off the mattress with a small cry. Kei wonders if you’ve cum. He wonders if he’s sent you over the edge, but if he has, you’re taking all of it so well that he doesn’t dare stop. 

The taste of you spreads on his tongue, tangy and warm. You invade his senses violently, like you are gripping his throat. Kei holds his mouth to you, pressing the length of his cock into the mattress and moving his hips like he plans to fuck it. 

He moves his free hand down your thigh and onto the inside of your leg. Your skin is so soft. It’s so vulnerable, something easily pierced and bled. Kei’s pointer finger rubs gentle circles there, feeling the slight pull of the soft skin with his fingers, so thin that it almost feels like tissue paper. He’s sure that with a little pressure, you would bruise. 

The thought surprises him. He works his tongue across your clit and his fingers against that gummy spot inside of you, but his mind drifts to the softness of your inner thigh, the way it would be so easy to leave a spot that might hurt later when you press on it, remind you of exactly where he was. Then, Kei pinches you on the inside of your thigh and when you cry out, tightening around his fingers with a tapered moan, he pinches you again, harder this time. 

You whimper slightly, like you like it. No, you sound like you love it and Kei finds himself holding back a choked moan as he tries not to cum prematurely. He pinches along the inside of your legs and around the back. Not too much. Only when he feels like it. Only when he wants to hear what kind of sounds you’ll make. 

“K-Kei wait, wait,” you pant, grabbing him by his tufts of blonde hair. It hurts. He doesn’t think you mean to hurt him, but it doesn’t matter. He likes it and he twitches in his pants. 

“Huh?” He hums, detaching from your clit and slowing the movement of his fingers to a halt. Your legs shake around his handiwork. “You okay?” 

“I’ll cum if you keep going like that,” you breathe, screwing your eyes shut like you’re still on the edge. “Drag it out for me, yeah?” 

Kei furrows his eyebrows and sucks in a sharp breath.

“Cum if you want to.” He tilts his head down to reattach his lips. 

“Not yet,” you tug at his hair. “I like chasing it.” 

Kei stares at you, unblinking and awestruck. Your chest heaves and despite the pleasure on your face, you look uncomfortable as your orgasm slips away from you. Kei likes that look on your face and he finds himself growing greedy. 

“Come here,” you coax him onto the mattress. 

Kei watches as you slip your hands into the waistband of his jeans and pull them down, leaving him on his back with his tented boxers exposed. You crawl down his body and settle between his legs with your arms between his thighs. He shudders when you run your hands up them and he briefly sees his boxers jump. 

You smile, pressing your mouth to him through his boxers. Kei can’t stifle the groan that escapes him and heat floods his face when you raise your eyebrows in response. 

“You don’t have to,” he says through gritted teeth as you slip the waistband of his boxers down. 

“But I want to,” you mumble, taking him in your hand and placing a kiss on the side of his dick. 

Kei’s head falls back against the pillow and he swears under his breath when he feels the warmth of your mouth close around the tip of him. He jerks his head up to see, awestruck by the way your lips look around the head of his cock. 

For some reason, Kei is already so sensitive. He feels everything, and when you swipe the tip of your tongue along his slit as you bob your head, he makes a noise he didn’t think he could make. His fingers knot themselves in the bed sheets, white knuckled and trembling while you bob your head over him. 

Your mouth is so warm and wet. It’s a little messy, dripping down the length of him and onto his balls. Kei feels the warmth, the heat of you. He can still taste you on his tongue. Kei can still feel the stickiness left behind from your arousal on his mouth. The combination of you between his legs and the taste of you on his tongue is overwhelming. 

Kei can feel his orgasm growing in his lower stomach, turning over until he’s bringing his long fingers to your head in an effort to steady himself. There’s nothing he can do but give in, watching you through damp eyes as you watch his expression. 

It’s embarrassing how quickly he cums. It doesn’t take long and he teeters on the edge for a few moments before fully cresting over. Kei can’t help the way he lifts his hips from the mattress, his voice caught in his throat as it hooks on a high pitched groan. His voice cracks and he feels the way his cum collects on your tongue and across the tip of his dick in your mouth. 

“Fuck,” he mutters, red faced and panting, “I didn’t mean to- I didn’t mean to finish so quickly, you’re just-” 

“It’s fine,” you come up, your eyes glassed over and lust-filled. “I like making you feel good.” 

“Yeah but-” 

“No buts,” you crawl over him and straddle his waist. Kei winces when your weight briefly nudges his cock. “There’s still fun to be had. Can I kiss you?” 

He nods and you lean down to do as you’d asked. Your tongue moves slowly against his, less desperate this time, like you’re trying to work him down and back up again. You place your hands on his chest, settling your weight down so that your bare cunt is pressed against his sensitive cock. Kei thinks he might die. 

He brings his hands to your waist, the fatigue creeping from his bones as he digs the pads of his fingers into your fleshy sides. You draw in a breath when he does and it makes Kein feel like he’s tipping sideways with arousal. Everything that you do, right down to the involuntary twitch of your hips or eyebrows, is sexy. 

Kei turns you over, growing hard between your legs again, and gently pins you to the mattress. He kisses you for a moment longer, his lips working clumsily across yours before he pulls away to catch his breath and find his bearings. 

You chase him with your mouth, tilting your head up to kiss him. Kei feels his chest swell with arousal and his cock strains almost painfully against his pants as he peers at you. You’re so pretty. Everything about you is so pretty. On his chest, he can feel your fingers, splayed over his pecks, across his collarbone, and grazing the side of his neck. He leans closer, loving the pressure of your body and the desperation that pours from your skin. 

Kei kisses you again. He kisses you the way he wanted to outside, dipping his tongue into your mouth with a desperation that he can taste. You take control back, reaching between the two of you, and Kei shifts himself upward instinctually to give you access to him. He feels your fingers fumble for him and there’s a pause in which Kei doesn’t know what to do. He wonders if this might be the part of him that you like. The awkward part, the one that doesn’t know what to do. Kei’s thoughts are interrupted by the feeling of your hand wrapping around him and tugging upward. 

His head drops and a low groan escapes his lips before he can even think to stop it. Kei’d almost forgotten his sensitivity, how desperately he wants to be touched, how overwhelming it feels. He shivers, looking down at where your hand wraps around him and pumps. When he looks back up, he finds that you’re looking at his face, your eyes glassed over and observant as you commit all of his expressions to memory. 

“What?” he says, letting out a shuddering breath and the slight overstimulation. 

“Your face is red,” you reach up with your free hand to run your thumb along his cheek. 

Kei huffs, dropping his head and you fiddle with something between the two of you.

“No,” you pick his chin up. “I like it. It’s cute.” 

You tighten your grip around him and Kei feels his expression twist, a new rush of heat and desire flooding his belly as he realizes you’re sliding a condom onto him. Then, you guide the tip of him between your legs and he feels the wet press of your entrance against him. 

“Christ,” he groans. 

You smile slightly, shifting your hips a little and then placing your hands on his shoulders. Kei pushes forward slowly, his thighs twitching. It takes everything he has to keep from cumming again and every muscle in his body screams with a desire to let go. 

Kei is so overwhelmed, partially because you feel so good, but also because there is some part of him that knows this feels different. Kei feels different about you, about being intimate with you, than he has with anyone else. There’s something alive in him, something with its own mind. Something greedy and vulnerable that stirs when your face is this close to him, when he’s buried all the way in you to the base of his cock. Emotional and sensitive, Kei feels it kick. 

His first instinct is to run. Agreeing to let himself like you, to let himself do something about it, was not agreeing to letting something live inside of him. Kei’s first thought when he registers the difference is to cut it off and suffocate it so that it stops thumping against his chest. He’d grown so used to the hollow feeling that the feeling of living emotion makes him nervous, it puts him on edge. But when he pulls out a few inches and fucks back into you, the anxiety dispels into insurmountable pleasure. A pleasure Kei can’t describe, something fulfilling and whole. 

He picks up his pace, letting himself do what he wants while you grip his shoulders with blunted nails. He likes the expression you wear. Truthfully, he likes all of your expressions, but this one is new. Pressure and pleasure, a newness to the feel of him inside of you that you can’t quite keep from your eyes or lips. He kisses you as if he could taste it, slipping his tongue between your lips. 

“I really like you,” you mumble against his mouth, breath hot as it fans across his cheeks. 

Kei’s heart hammers and his hips stutter a little. 

“Me too,” he chokes, trying to think about volleyball to stave off a second orgasm. All that comes to mind though, is you. 

“Are you close again?” you breathe, voice laden with pleasure. 

“I have been since we started,” Kei admits. 

“Cum then,” you say softly, reaching behind his head to pull his mouth back to yours. Kei likes the control you exhibit. He groans his approval.

“You first,” he mutters.

There’s this possessive part of Kei that wants to watch you fall apart on him. He wants to see it, to watch you feel good too and commit it to memory so that he can always keep it. He thinks it’s a pride thing, something attached to his desire to succeed, to his reliability. Maybe though, it’s just because he thinks it’ll look hot. 

He reaches down and lifts one of your legs up by the back of your knee, pressing it down to give himself better access. You whine and Kei feels the way you clench down around him, your fingers knitting into the hair at the back of his neck. It hurts in a good way. 

Kei slips his hand between you, rubbing circles on your clit to get you there faster. Frankly, he doesn’t know how much longer he can last like this, staring down at your face while it twists with pleasure. You’re so attractive to him. Everything about you is sexy. It makes Kei a little crazy. 

He listens as your breathing quickens, as your voice wavers further. He feels the way your cunt begins to flutter faster, pulsing around him until you attempt to cry out and warn him. Then, you clamp down around him, arching your hips up off the mattress and pulling at his hair. Kei moves his head with you, relishing in the way you tug and scratch. 

He builds up to his orgasm so fast that it hurts. There’s pressure and then the mounting feeling of nearing the top, and then the peak and crash. He cums so hard that it hurts, pushing his cock as far as it will go into you and feeling the warm spill of his cum in the condom. He moans a long, drawn out sound that you mimic, his fingers knitting into the pillow behind you and his head dropping so that his lips sit near your neck.

He lets out a shaky breath, letting himself sit inside of you for a moment. You turn his head towards yours and kiss him. It’s gentle. A smooth and languid kiss that neither of you moves to deepen. Your lips move against each other and Kei closes his eyes to savor the taste. 

You tap his shoulder and Kei rolls over onto the bed beside you, snapping the condom off with a small wince and tying it up in a quick motion. He places it in the trash bin beside the bed. When he turns over, you’re already moving to slip under his arm, resting your head on his chest. 

There’s a passing moment of silence, not unlike the ones you both have fallen into before and you sigh lightly against his exposed chest. Kei follows suit, watching the way you move with his breath. 

His skin is sticky against yours and Kei can vaguely register the smell of sweat in the room. He doesn’t know how long it’s been since everyone left, nor does he know when they’ll be back, but he estimates that it won’t be more than an hour. Kei briefly wishes that he could pause time so that he can stay here with you, just like this. 

“I’m not good at this kind of stuff,” Kei admits quietly. 

“What stuff?” You ask, tracing your finger along the ridges of his lean abdomen. 

“Liking people,” he says. “Dating.” 

You give a small laugh. “No offense, Kei, but I could tell that from the moment I met you.” 

“Shit, seriously?” 

“Duh,” you breathe out. “It’s a little charming to me, though. I like that part of you.” 

So it’s true. You like the parts of Kei that he’s always worried were the worst of him. 

“Huh,” he says. “Could you tell?” 

“That you like me?” You ask, shifting your head to look at him. “Yeah, it was obvious after we established that you didn’t hate me. I always noticed you staring in the library.” 

“Really? I thought I was being a little slick with that,” Kei feels heat and color flood his face. 

You let out a good-natured laugh. “People can always tell when someone’s staring, Kei. It’s like a sixth sense.” 

“Good to know. Hindsight is 20/20 and all.” 

Another bout of silence follows. 

“You can keep staring though,” you say, “if you want to. And calling.”

“Okay,” Kei responds, “I didn’t really plan on stopping.” 

“Ha, freaky,” you laugh a little and Kei reaches up to flick the side of your head. “Wanna start going out?” 

Kei thinks about this for a moment. He thinks about being able to hold your hand, brush hair out of your face, watch movies on the couch and fix your breakfast the next morning. Then he thinks about not being able to do those things. 

“I think I’d be a little upset if we didn’t,” he admits. 

“Good,” you say. “Me too.” 

He’s fighting off sleep. His eyelids are heavy and he tries to blink away the shroud of rest that’s falling over him. Kei knows you’re fighting it too. Your breathing goes in and out of that familiar breathing that comes with sleep. Kei likes the way it sounds coming from you, restful and quiet. 

“We should… really get up to clean just a little,” he mumbles. 

“Five more minutes,” you say softly, your voice heavy and laden with drowsiness. 

“Okay,” he says. 

It’s just five more minutes. Kei fights sleep to hear you breathe like this a little longer. 

—

There’s a period after which Kei doesn’t know what to do with himself. Like the awkward start to a new hobby or passion, Kei finds himself enthralled with his budding relationship while simultaneously stumbling continuously along the way. You’re gracious with him though, letting him make mistakes and fumble until he finds his footing. 

It’s all very awkward for him, very new. He finds that it’s easier to just do the nice things he wants to do for you than to agonize over it and slowly, he begins to grow comfortable in the relationship that took you both so long to begin. 

At first, only Tadashi knew about you both. Kei thought that there was no point in hiding it from him, since you were over at the apartment all the time. Of course, Tadashi somehow already knew. That’s how it usually goes anyway, and Kei is relieved to find that his internal change did not trigger some global shift that would turn his life upside down. Everything is normal, save for the fact that Kei now tries to love without hindrance. 

Kei discovers that he’s possessive. That’s a new trait of his that he didn’t know belonged to him. Before you, before Kei had found something he so desperately wanted to keep, he’d been rather detached. Possessiveness was rare because Kei hardly ever got attached enough to want. Now though, he wants so badly that it hurts. You lean into it. Kei suspects that you like it when he wards off people who hit on you, when he pouts a little because he wants to be close to you, when he gets a little jealous. Kei doesn’t really mind it either. After all, despite his possessiveness, he never feels insecure. The both of you make sure of that. 

This sunny period with you, the one Kei worried would only last a week, drifts easily from one month into two and before he knows it, it’s been five. Kei had worried about that fundamental change. The one imperceivable to the human eye. He’d worried that slowly, it would begin to spoil what is so good between the two of you. 

“Kei,” you snap him out of it, placing a hand on his shoulder, “you okay?” 

He sets down his cup of tea, barely touched. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” 

“Don’t tell me you’re getting cold feet?” You give him a wry smile. “This was your idea, after all.” 

“Yeah, well it was a pretty shit idea actually,” he breathes, “My parents aren’t exactly easy.” 

“You want to cancel?” You ask, your eyebrows pulling up in a clumsy attempt to hide your disappointment. Kei can see right through it.

“No,” he shakes his head. “I want you to meet them. I just don’t want you to meet them.” 

The truth of it is that Kei would like to cancel. In an ideal world, one where the sun rises on the opposite side of his bedroom window, he’d forget the whole thing and take you out to get dinner and see a movie. Things would be simpler that way, less uncomfortable for the both of you. But as uncomfortable as it is, Kei wants you to be a part of their lives too. You’re too important to not introduce to his parents and Kei can’t see it any other way, though he’d like to. 

You snort. “What does that even mean?” 

Kei gives you a pointed and somewhat irritated look. 

“Okay, sorry,” you raise your hands defensively and walk over to place them on his shoulders. “I know you’re worried, but I think it’s going to be okay. I’m excited.” 

Kei huffs out a laugh, unable to vocalize his nerves in their totality. “Excited to meet my dysfunctional, divorced parents that kind of hate each other?” 

“Yup. I’m excited to meet the people who raised you.” 

Kei smiles a little. “You should meet Akiteru, then,” It’s an exaggeration, but for some reason the prospect of seeing both of his parents together has him feeling a little more bitter than usual, even if it was his idea. 

You give him a little grin through narrowed eyes. There’s an understanding that passes from you to him, like you’re acknowledging that you haven’t forgotten what he’d told you nearly six months ago. Kei feels the tension in his shoulders relax a little. 

His parents are already at the restaurant when he arrives. It’s a swanky Italian place. The kind you go to on birthdays or for anniversaries, where the pasta dishes are things like lobster mushroom ravioli or truffle oil fettucini in tiny portions. Kei made sure to book somewhere that his parents would have trouble making a scene in, not that they ever had much of a mind for decorum when they were married. He’s surprised to find them chatting cordially when you both arrive. 

“Kei,” his mother stands from the table and crosses to give him a hug. He pats her back gently.

“Hi Mom,” Kei responds and she gives him a small smile. 

Kei’s dad adjusts the lapel of his suit, the same one he’s had for years, and reaches to give him a hug around one shoulder. 

“Guys,” he inhales, “This is my partner, _____.” 

You grin at Kei and then introduce yourself formally to his parents. Kei watches in awe as you blend right in, like you’ve known them for many years. He sits down while trying to keep the nerves from his face. 

“We’re so happy to meet you,” his mother starts, “Kei’s never introduced us to any of his partners before.” 

“I’m the first?” You smile a little, raising an eyebrow at Kei as if to tease him. 

“There really haven’t been that many to begin with,” Kei grumbles as if that somehow makes it better. 

You laugh again and the ball of conversation begins rolling. His mother tells you how pretty you are and his father nods a quieter approval. They talk about his university’s graduation ceremony, which they attended separately, as if they were together the entire time and then ask about your major, if you graduated with him, where you plan on going. You tell them what you want to do and that you want to go wherever Kei goes. He marvels at how smoothly the evening moves onward.

There are moments where the tension in his family becomes obvious. Little swells or comments that bring up a sour or shameful memory that cannot be ignored. Moments when the air thickens and it feels like the hammer is about to come down. It never does though. The tension, rather than snapping, simply fades away. 

He’d expected everything to blow up for some reason. Kei had expected that, like his childhood, the restaurant dishes would end up smashed on the floor. The glassware always ended up broken in the house, why shouldn’t they be broken here to shatter the illusion of things being good? He braces himself for a ball that never drops.

It takes him until the ride home, after a successful dinner, to realize that the dishes haven’t been smashed in years. Not since he was fourteen and his parents fought for custody. Not since his mother got remarried to her now husband almost 6 years ago and his father met his new wife. Kei wonders why he still feels like he lives in that house. The one his parents were at their worst in. Why can’t he feel like he lives in the apartment he rents with Tadashi? 

“I think that went well,” you say softly on the drive back. 

Kei nods his agreement. “I think so too.” 

You don’t bring up the fact that they didn’t fight, or that they spoke about their new kids with each other as if they were old friends. You don’t accuse Kei of being wrong, of being paranoid even though he most definitely was. 

“I’m glad that I got to meet them,” you say. “You look so much like your mom.” 

“Really?” Kei asks. 

“Yeah, you’ve got her eyes and her nose,” you smile a little. “It makes you two look similar.” 

“Huh,” he says. “I never really gave that much thought.” 

Kei turns the idea that he has his mother’s face over in his head. He’d spent so much time dreading that he was like them on the inside, that he never paused to consider the outside. So much of his life has been spent worrying that he’s just like them. That he breaks the plates and lashes out and acts cruelly even when he’s trying to love. But he has his mother’s eyes and for some reason that unsettles him. It’s like evidence. 

“You don’t really act like them though,” you say as if on cue. “You’re a little gentler.” 

“Me? Gentle?” Kei scoffs. 

“Yeah!” you say. “I mean, sure you’re prickly, but there’s a goodness to you that’s really obvious if you look.” 

Goodness. What a strange word to use to describe someone. Kei thinks that if there’s any goodness in him, if there’s anything that hasn’t been tainted by his parents’ sour personalities, it’s from Akiteru. Kei likes to believe that whatever good he got was from him. No matter how strained his relationship with him might be now, Kei is certain of that. 

“That’s a relief,” he admits in a flat tone. 

After a long pause, he speaks again. “Thanks.” 

“For what?” You laugh. 

“Bearing with me… and with them,” he says. “Couldn’t have been easy.” 

“It was easy,” you say. “Because I wanted to meet them. And I care about you.” 

Kei feels color rise to his cheeks. He turns to look in the sideview mirrors as he pulls the car into a parking spot in his apartment complex’s garage. 

“You say that stuff so easily,” he huffs. 

“What? That I care about you?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Well, I do,” you laugh a little.

Kei’s face grows hotter and he distracts himself by putting the car into park and taking the key out of the ignition. 

“Me too,” he says quietly, waiting for you to catch up so that he can take your hand in his. “Sorry that I don’t say it a lot.” 

“Not to be rude,” you say, “but even if you never said it at all, it would be obvious. You’re kind of a sucker.” 

Kei supposes that that’s true and he gives a small laugh before nudging your shoulder with his. The parking garage is humid and stuffy, but he holds your hand in it anyway. 

—

You’re half asleep in bed beside him and your breathing comes in even sweeps the way it does just before you fall asleep. Kei listens to it for a moment, admiring the sound of it and the way your chest feels expanding against his. 

He thinks about dinner, about how good it feels to have introduced you. How real it makes this relationship feel despite the uneasiness surrounding his familial situation. Kei thinks about his parents. He thinks about their inability to be good for each other. He thinks about the worst of them, something he’s familiar with, before thinking about the best of them. Kei imagines the way their faces looked at dinner, talking about the children they’re raising properly. They’re good people, they just made each other bad. Molecular shifts that changed them for the worst. The notebook theory in its most frightening form. But they were good too. 

Kei thinks about loving you. His reluctance to do so originally isn’t quite beyond him yet. He’s unsure, in fact, if he’ll ever really get past the fear of the fall, the fear of becoming what his parents made each other. But he also thinks about his promise to love you for real. Love is not something that Kei does. He knows now that it's something that happens to him, like it happened to his parents. They loved each other once, even if it made them so blind that they couldn’t see just how bad it made them. 

Kei still resents the fact that he was born to fix a marriage that never would have worked in the first place. He resents being a fix rather than a gift, but at the very least, his existence is proof that his parents cared enough about their family to try. Even if it was misguided, at least they tried even a little. 

In the quiet after of an emotionally charged evening, loving you seems like an easier task for him now. It’s not hard to love you. What’s hard, Kei thinks, is not hurting you. He carries a lot of baggage that, for a long while, felt like too much. Kei thinks he can manage if it’s for you. He’ll bear the brunt of it. He’ll put in the work. 

Yes, Kei is his parents’ son, but he’s also Tadashi’s friend, Akiteru’s brother, the person who loves you. He doesn’t live in the house with a bin full of shards and no glassware anymore. 

“Are you awake?” He whispers across the pillow. 

“Mhm,” you hum, pushing your cheek into his arm.

“Let’s move in together,” he says. 

You tense against him and slowly attempt to blink away sleep. “Are you sure?” 

“Yeah, I’m sure,” he responds. “I want to live with you.” 

“Okay then,” you smile a little. “Let’s do it.” 

—

In the fall, when his lease with Tadashi ends and his friend gives him a tearful, yet somewhat silly goodbye, Kei moves into your new shared apartment. Two small rooms in a modest part of town, a shared kitchen and living room, one bathroom, a mismatch of furniture from both of your old places, and an empty fridge. The first night is spent eating take out on the floor with you in front of a TV with no proper stand. Kei has never been happier. 

And in the morning, when the sun comes through the slats of his window, broken up into gentle dots by the orange-leaved trees outside, Kei rises slowly. He rises gently. Kei doesn’t want to wake you, not before he’s made breakfast. He pads out to the kitchen, where boxes are strewn about, half unpacked, and grabs the little brown notebook from the box it’s been temporarily living in. In it, he writes a grocery list full of the things you like. It’s a good enough reason, a good enough change. 

The notebook theory. 

[formulafanfics13]

Hi!! it's been a short time since I've been reading your works and I'm loving it 💜 so I'm here to ask for one 👀

I would love to read one in which the reader is a famous Italian actress (29 years old) who has just ended a relationship publicly with a famous actor and ends up commenting to Lewis because they have been friends for years because she appears in a few races a year, creating this closeness but they have always maintained just a friendship. She's also friends with Charles, Carlos and George and when they find out that she's broken up, they bet each other how long it will take Lewis and her to give in 👀😈 (I'd love a smut hehe)

💜💜

What Are The Odds - LH44 🔥

masterlist

Summary It starts with a drink in the McLaren hospitality suite and ends with Lewis Hamilton’s mouth on yours. You don’t plan it. You don’t even want it, not really — not after the breakup, not with the whole paddock watching. But when Charles, George, and Carlos place a smug little bet about when you and Lewis will finally cave after years of tension, something shifts. You pull Lewis aside. You leave the party. You follow him upstairs. And for once, it’s not about the cameras or the gossip. It’s about every moment you didn’t kiss him over the years. Every time he held back. Every text at midnight. Every time he looked at you like a secret. Now there’s no holding back. The sex is slow, deep, sacred — the kind of full-body craving that leaves you ruined in the best way. And when it’s over, tangled in sheets and breathless laughter, you both know something’s changed for good. Let the whole grid talk. Let George collect his winnings. You’re exactly where you’re meant to be.

Warnings emotional smut, friends to lovers, mutual pining, tension built over years, alcohol (non-drunk), Lewis being soft but wrecked, gossiping drivers, emotional sex, praise kink, teasing, gentle dominance, aftercare, affectionate banter, Charles being messy, George being right, slow burn finally combusting.

It starts with a drink in the McLaren hospitality suite and ends with George Russell transferring fifty euros to Charles Leclerc. You don’t know that yet, though. You’re too busy pretending your world hasn’t just shattered.

“You look incredible,” Lewis says softly, and your glass stills an inch from your lips.

You glance at him, trying not to flinch. “Don’t say that like I look like a tragedy.”

He tilts his head, half-smile curving. “I didn’t.”

You don’t mean to sigh, but it escapes. The ice in your drink shifts with the movement, clinking gently like it’s mocking you.

Three weeks ago, you were walking Cannes red carpets with one of the most recognisable men in Hollywood. Now? Now you’re sitting on a folding chair at the back of a Formula 1 paddock pretending not to care that the internet has dissected every photo of you since the breakup like it’s a damn war crime.

Lewis, as always, is calm. Warm. Steady.

You’ve known him for years, met him during your first F1 race experience and he’d shown up to the afterparty in a deep red suit that made your entire group blink twice. You’d danced. Talked. Laughed. Swapped numbers and never stopped texting since. He’s the constant. The old friend. The only person in this circus who doesn’t make you feel like you’re being watched under a microscope. Except tonight. Tonight, something’s different.

“You don’t have to stay here,” Lewis says gently, nodding toward the lounge. “We can go somewhere quieter.”

You shrug. “I don’t care what they say. They’ll talk either way.”

His jaw flexes. God, you really are tired. From a few feet away, Charles is watching you like a hawk. Carlos is whispering something behind his hand. George is grinning like a devil.

You narrow your eyes. “What the hell are they doing?”

Lewis doesn’t look. “Don’t ask.”

You do anyway. You get up, slide your sunglasses into your bag, and saunter across the suite with all the grace your publicist has drilled into you since you were twenty-one and nominated for a damn BAFTA. Charles tries to look innocent. Fails.

“Spit it out,” you say, crossing your arms. “What?”

Charles clears his throat. Carlos looks away like a child who’s just broken a vase. George cracks. “Alright, fine. We placed a bet.”

You blink. “A what?”

“Not a serious one,” Charles says immediately. “Just-friendly. Harmless.”

“Not helpful,” Carlos mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose.

You raise an eyebrow. George is practically gleaming. “We bet how long it’ll take you and Lewis to sleep together.”

You go still. For a long second, no one speaks. Then you huff a disbelieving laugh. “You’re all idiots.”

“We said that with love,” Charles adds quickly.

“I said two weeks,” George says proudly.

“I said never,” Carlos grumbles, “but only because they’ve had years to fuck and haven’t.”

“Charles?” you ask.

He shrugs, unapologetic. “I gave it a weekend.”

You blink. “You’re unwell.”

He beams. “You love me.”

You don’t answer. Just stalk away, heart pounding too fast for comfort. Lewis is still leaning where you left him, watching you with that quiet calm he always carries like armor. You grab his arm and tug. “Let’s go somewhere else.” He doesn’t ask where. Just follows.

It’s quieter by the loading bay, just the hum of engineers packing crates, the sharp hiss of hydraulics being depressurised. You’re leaning against a concrete wall, fingers gripping the edge of your skirt, heart beating like a metronome in your throat. “They placed a bet,” you say without preamble. “About you. About us.”

Lewis exhales. “Charles, Carlos, and George?”

You blink. “How did you-?”

“They’re predictable.”

You laugh. Then stop laughing, because you’re suddenly aware of how close Lewis is to you, how the evening sun is catching on the gold in his earrings, how the veins in his forearms are more interesting than they should be.

“I told them it wasn’t happening,” you say, quieter.

Lewis looks at you. Really looks. And suddenly he’s not just your friend. Suddenly you remember every afterparty where he leaned a little too close. Every hotel lounge where you sat across from each other sharing secrets. Every premiere he sent flowers for. Every time he looked at you like you were more than just a beautiful face in a glamorous life.

He doesn’t touch you. He doesn’t say anything stupid. He just says, “I’ve never wanted to risk losing you.”

You forget how to breathe. “Until now?” you ask, voice smaller than you meant it to be.

He shakes his head. “No. I’ve always wanted to. I just… didn’t want to be the reason you walked away.”

You swallow. This isn’t the man you just broke up with, the one who kissed you on carpets and slept in other people’s beds. This is Lewis. Steady. Careful. Smart. Soft. And you suddenly realise that if he kissed you right now, you wouldn’t stop him.

You don’t. He doesn’t. Not yet. But when you brush past him, heading for the cars, he follows close behind. Quiet. Patient. Just like he always has. And somewhere back in the paddock, Charles Leclerc checks his watch and says, “I give it until breakfast.”

The afterparty that night was supposed to be forgettable. Just another race weekend wrap-up with too many people, too many cameras, and not enough air. The DJ played a remix of a remix, drinks were poured like the world was ending, and Charles looked way too smug from his corner booth, sipping tequila like he’d invented the bet himself.

You’d lasted an hour. Max tried to get you to shotgun a beer. Carmen complimented your shoes. George gave you a knowing smirk every time Lewis walked past you. By the time Carlos suggested karaoke, you’d had enough.

Lewis was already waiting at the elevator. You didn’t ask if he was leaving alone. You just followed.

Now it’s quiet. The door to his suite closes behind you with a soft click. Your heels hit the floor a second later. His jacket is draped over the chair like it lives there. You feel your stomach twist.

This is Lewis Hamilton. Seven-time world champion. Your oldest friend. Your not-quite-anymore friend. And he’s looking at you like he’s never wanted anything more.

“Are you sure?” he asks softly, not moving closer yet.

You nod, throat tight. “I’m not drunk. I’m not confused. And I’m not pretending anymore.”

He exhales like he’s been holding his breath for years. Then he’s there. His hands are warm on your face. His mouth covers yours in one slow, deliberate press, like he’s trying to memorise you all at once. It’s soft, yes. But it’s also desperate. Like he’s known how you taste since Monaco 2018 and never let himself admit it.

You sigh into him.

It’s been a long time since someone kissed you like this, no agenda, no performance, no audience. Just Lewis. Just the way he kisses. Mouth to mouth, forehead to forehead, hands tangling in fabric and skin and time lost.

The first moan slips from your throat when his fingers brush your waist under your dress. He stops. Pulls back.

You shake your head, tugging him in. “Don’t stop.”

He doesn’t. Not for a second. Clothes fall like they’ve been waiting to be discarded. His chain brushes your collarbone. Your dress slides to the floor. He kisses every new patch of skin like it’s sacred.

When he lays you back on the bed, you’re breathless. And when he says your name, just once, in that way that sounds more like a prayer than a question, you could cry.

“Touch me,” you whisper. “Please.”

He does. His hand traces every inch of your skin like he’s learning you from scratch, like you’re a map he’s wanted to study for years. When his fingers slip between your thighs, you gasp. His mouth finds your neck. Your ribs. Your inner wrist. “You’re perfect,” he murmurs, voice low and cracked. “God, I should’ve done this a long time ago.”

You arch into him. “Then do it now.”

His laugh is a breath against your cheek. Then he’s between your legs, lining up, and you feel his breath catch too. “Look at me,” he says, voice hoarse. “Please.”

You do. And when he sinks into you, it’s not just sex. It’s years. Years of parties where you could’ve kissed and didn’t. Of messages at midnight. Of longing hidden behind sunglasses and racing helmets. Of Charles fucking Leclerc betting on your future without knowing he was right.

He moves slowly at first. Deep. Unhurried. Like he wants this to last. Your legs wrap around him without thinking. “Lewis,” you whisper.

“I’ve got you,” he says, faster now. “I’ve always got you.”

You pull him closer. Arms tight. Breath tangled. The room spins just slightly from the weight of it, not just the sex, but the emotion. The honesty. The quiet storm of him finally being yours.

You come with a gasp, fingers curling into his shoulders. He follows a heartbeat later, muttering something into your neck that you can’t hear but feel in your bones. He doesn’t move for a long time. Just breathes.

You run your fingers down his back, slow and soft. “We just proved George right,” you murmur eventually.

Lewis groans. “Don’t ruin it.”

You laugh, warm and real. “Charles owes George fifty euros.”

“I don’t care,” he says, brushing your hair from your face. “Let them talk. Let them all fucking talk.”

You smile. Because for the first time in years, you’re exactly where you want to be.

[teaboot]

You recently mentioned not to use oil based lube on a silicone toy, as it could become porous, but what about crisco/lard (for anal only, of course)? The internet doesn't yield much conclusive answers...

Thank u for your service Σ:3

You already kinda said it at the tip, but I wanna make it extra clear:

DO NOT USE CRISCO, LARD, OIL, OR OIL-BASED LUBE ON SILICONE, JELLY, ABS PLASTIC, PLASTIC, FANTAFLESH™, CONDOMS, DENTAL DAMS, OR 'FEMALE CONDOMS'

*ONLY* USE OILS OR FATS ON METAL, SKIN, OR GLASS

OILS AND FATS OF ANY KIND WILL DISSOLVE SOFT MATERIALS AND BREAK OR WEAKEN CONDOMS SPECIFICALLY, AND WILL CREATE MICROSCOPIC OPENINGS FOR BACTERIA AND SLOWLY MELT EVERYTHING ELSE

Now to answer your other question:

I don't recommend using household products such as crisco, lard, coconut oil, canola oil, or olive oil for any penetrative activities unless you have no other option available.

For skin-on-skin or glass/metal toy anal sex, it's not the worst thing you can do, but it can lead to infections, odours, and allergic reactions. I won't say DON'T, because almost any lubricant is better than no lubricant when it comes to anal, but absolutely don't go for it as your first choice.

A lot of the arguments FOR using oily lubes are these:

"It lasts longer than water-based lube!" (Yeah, because your body absorbs the water out of water-based lubes- add a bit of water when it starts to get tacky and it'll slick right back up.)

"I have bad reactions to water-based lubes!" (A lot of drug store brand water lubes are full of harsh ingredients that react badly on sensitive skin. My favourite brand of water-based lube is Water Slide. It's one of the cheaper specialty lubes, you can buy it online, and after years of stocking it I've never heard of a bad reaction.)

"We aren't using condoms or non-glass/metal toys so we're using it to last longer!" (This is fine, and oil-based lubes are graded for this purpose so they aren't as iffy as kitchen products, but if you want options, you can consider silicone lube. It's a bit pricier, but WAY outlasts oil.)

TL/DR: You probably won't die if you use crisco/lard/olive oil/coconut oil etc. for anal sex, but it will break condoms, and your specific individual body may not like it as much as actual lube.

Important disclaimer, though: I am not a medical professional, and I've only been peddling for about four years or so now. Happily welcoming any credible corrections or additions!

Awesome question, thank you for asking!!!

[spitefulsatanfics]

𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐌𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐋 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐒

> “You can stop right there, Señorita. I’m gonna get you out of here. Trust me.” — Luis

PAIRING: Luis Serra x Female Reader (She/Her)

TONE: Enemies to lovers, coworker love, slow burn, canon-typical horror, apocalyptic romance, hurt/comfort, protector!Luis

WRITTEN BY: Little Devil <3

RATING: Mature (17+ for language, canonical violence, blood/injury, kissing/intimacy, horror themes)

WORD COUNT: ~7,000

BASED ON: Resident Evil 4: Remake

SYNOPSIS:

You and Luis Serra were once co-workers—begrudging, brilliant minds working for Umbrella Europe, watching the Las Plagas parasite unravel like a plague foretold. He flirted. You rolled your eyes. And when the outbreak came, you both ran. But the deeper into this infected nightmare you fall, the harder it is to deny that somewhere between hell and survival, your hearts started beating in unison.

I. THE CALM BEFORE THE CURSE

Umbrella Europe Lab | Sierra Verde, Spain | One Month Before Outbreak

The lab always smelled like bleach, regret, and ambition.

You sat hunched over your workstation, eyes glued to the microscope. Las Plagas Variant A00. Early stage. The cells twisted under the lens, spiraling into violent growth patterns. Aggressive. Unstable. Beautiful in the way venomous things often were.

“Careful, cariño. You keep glaring like that, and the microscope might just quit.”

You didn’t look up. “Luis, do you practice being this annoying or is it instinctual?”

A smooth chuckle drifted from behind. “It’s a gift. Like my bone structure.”

Luis Serra. Professional pain in your ass. He leaned beside you, lab coat flared open, shirt barely buttoned—because, apparently, dress codes were beneath him. His smile was casual, but the exhaustion behind it wasn’t.

“Still tracking the accelerant response?”

“You mean cleaning up the mess you made with your ‘experimental cocktail’? Yeah.”

He winced theatrically. “Ah, mi culpa.”

Your glare softened, almost fond. Almost.

He tapped the glass of your culture slide. “You know what they’re really making here, don’t you?”

You stilled.

“I know,” you said. Quiet. Heavy. “And I know you’re not just flirting your way through the apocalypse for fun.”

His smirk faltered. “You think I don’t lose sleep over it?”

You didn’t answer. But you saw it. The truth in his posture. The guilt under his bravado.

And a part of you—the part you swore you’d buried—wanted to believe he was more than he pretended to be.

---

II. GROUND ZERO

Two Weeks Later | Sierra Verde Facility Collapse

The screams came before the sirens.

You ran through blood-slicked corridors, lab alarms howling in deafening pitches. Las Plagas had breached containment. People you knew—colleagues, mentors, friends—were gone. What was left behind wasn’t human.

A snarl echoed down the hallway.

Your boots skidded. One of them—an infected researcher—lunged at you, mouth split too wide, black veins bursting beneath translucent skin.

You couldn’t scream. Couldn’t move.

Then a hand yanked you backward.

“Run!”

It was Luis.

Blood on his shirt. Eyes wild. He raised his pistol and fired twice—clean, practiced. The thing dropped.

You stared at him, breath ragged. “You came back?”

His fingers tightened around yours. “I’m not leaving without you.”

You didn’t argue. Couldn’t. You just ran.

He led you through a side hatch you never knew existed, down into the guts of the facility—past generators, water lines, and memories that already felt ancient.

And when the hatch sealed behind you, Luis leaned against the wall, catching his breath.

“You okay?” he asked.

You hated that your chest ached at the sound of that stupid pet name again. You hated more that you were glad he was there.

---

III. CLOSE QUARTERS

Subterranean Maintenance Tunnels | Night One

There was no exit. No plan. Just dark, recycled air and the sound of dripping pipes.

You curled against the cold floor, wrapped in a discarded thermal blanket. Luis paced like a caged lion. The silence was thick, broken only by your shaking breaths.

“Hey,” he said suddenly, kneeling beside you. “You’re bleeding.”

You looked down. A gash on your arm—shallow but angry.

He tore a strip from his already-ruined shirt and wrapped your wound, hands surprisingly gentle.

“You’re good at this,” you murmured.

“Field medicine or flirting?”

You opened your mouth to fire back.

But he was close. Closer than he’d ever been. His eyes, usually lit with mischief, were tired. Focused. Real.

“I won’t let anything happen to you,” he said.

You didn’t answer. But for the first time since the outbreak, you slept. And when you woke up to find his hand resting near yours… you didn’t pull away.

---

IV. THE VILLAGE OF SHADOWS

Present Day | Village Outskirts

Rain sluiced down in sheets. The safehouse—a hollowed barn—reeked of mildew and rot.

Luis sat by the window, pistol on his thigh, wet hair clinging to his brow. You watched him silently, cradling your stitched arm.

“We move at dawn,” he said. “Too many of them out there tonight.”

You nodded, though the weight in your chest said otherwise.

“I should’ve done something sooner,” you whispered. “I knew what they were making.”

“So did I,” he said. “I thought I could sabotage it from the inside. Buy us time.”

You turned to him. “You really tried?”

He nodded, barely. “And I failed. But I won’t stop now.”

You saw it then—the wear in his bones, the cracks in his armor. And suddenly, you didn’t hate him. Not anymore.

---

V. FRAYED EDGES

Village Perimeter | Dusk

It happened fast.

You were scouting the edge of the treeline when three infected villagers broke from the brush. You fired, but one of them got too close—his blade nicked your side, shallow but stinging.

Luis was there in a heartbeat, dragging you back behind a rusted tractor. The moment the threat was down, he was at your side.

“Hold still,” he muttered, voice tighter than usual.

You hissed as he peeled your shirt aside, cleaning the wound with water from his canteen.

His hands didn’t tremble.

He didn’t crack a joke.

Not this time.

“This was my fault,” he said.

“You didn’t send them after me.”

“I still brought you into this.”

His jaw clenched. You saw it—the same guilt from the lab, now weathered by blood and fire. But behind it, something softer. Protective. Fierce.

You reached up and brushed his knuckles. Just once.

“I’d rather be here with you than safe and alone.”

He blinked. And for the first time, Luis Serra had no smooth line to offer.

---

VI. IN THE CROSSHAIRS

Minutes Later | Forest Edge

You were almost back to shelter when it happened.

A noise—too fast, too low. One of them had tracked your scent. The infected villager lunged from the trees, machete raised.

Luis turned too slow.

“Luis!”

You didn’t think. You moved.

The gun kicked back in your hands—once, twice. You tackled the thing off him, dirt and blood splattering your arms. You pinned it, drove your knife down, the scream rattling through your bones.

Then silence.

Luis sat against a tree, wind knocked from his chest.

You were already at his side. “Hey. Hey, breathe. Are you hurt?”

He groaned, coughing. “Mostly my pride.”

You helped him up, hands trembling. “You scared the hell out of me.”

He winced, leaning on you. “Didn’t know you cared so much, corazón.”

“I don’t,” you lied, breathless. “You’re just useful.”

“Liar,” he whispered.

---

VII. THE FIRE BETWEEN

Abandoned Cabin | Later That Night

Luis sat shirtless on the floor, wrapping a new bandage around his ribs. You hovered nearby, heart still galloping.

He looked up. “You saved me.”

You shrugged, trying to look unaffected. “Figured I owed you.”

He smiled. Not cocky—just grateful.

“Gracias,” he said. “You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to.”

That made something flicker in his eyes.

“You’re not the man I knew in that lab,” you added. “You’re… better.”

He chuckled. “Low bar.”

You knelt beside him. “Still true.”

There was a long pause. Then, without thinking, you reached out and brushed his cheek. His hand covered yours.

“I like this side of you,” you said.

“I like being someone you’d want to see.”

And for once, you didn’t run from the silence between your heartbeats.

You leaned in.

And kissed him.

Not out of fear. Not because it might be your last night.

But because you wanted to.

Because you meant it.

---

VIII. RECKONING

Village Edge | Rescue Point

The dawn sky bled orange and smoke.

You and Luis stood side by side, weapons ready. The chopper was coming—just a few more minutes. You could hear the engines, faint above the treetops.

Luis looked at you, bruised and smiling. “So, coffee after this?”

You laughed. “Depends. Still planning on poisoning it?”

He smirked. “Only if you’re into that kind of thing.”

And then, softly: “You really saved me back there.”

You met his gaze. “We save each other. That’s what we do now.”

The chopper crested the hill.

You didn’t look back.

You reached for his hand.

And held on tight.

---

END: CHEMICAL HEARTS

Written in blood and survival by Little Devil <3

[identityua]

Haha... hi... slides in so cooly and normal-y... I hope you're doing well!! :D

I always find it so so interesting seeing people's relationship headcanons?? So if you're down for it, could we potentially see headcanons regarding a relationship with Richard Sterling and a gender neutral reader? If not that is so chill 🫡 I just think he's so neat & even with the little bit we've been given lore-wise, he's genuinely really interesting.

Anyways, thank you if you do, and no hard feelings if ya don't!! 🫶 :3

I don’t know what you guys see in him… but who am I to judge? Let me know If I messed up his character, I went purely off the canon knowledge here. (Also omg I finally finished my midterms, we can start the finals prep now!)

━━━━━━��━━━━━━━━━━━━

R. STERLING HCS

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

PAIRINGS: Richard Sterling x GN! Reader

WARNINGS: Sensitive content. Richard being Richard, abusive/toxic relationship dynamics, mentions of intentional harm. Read at your own discretion...

Not proofread!

Source: ianrkives

Let’s start with a little analysis!

You can rely on Mariyka to never sugarcoat someone’s personality or flaws. Maybe, some like to portray this “Knight” as a lovesick, obsessive, manipulative romantic. A dark fantasy, so to say. A term that is often applied to this character archetype is “yandere” — an individual willing to do anything for their love.

Here’s the big kicker. Richard cannot love.

One thorough glance at your partner’s mind under a microscope can tell us a lot about his mental health. Let me put my nerd glasses on as I diagnose Mr. Sterling. Psychopathy and narcissism, textbook examples. While of course not everyone with the diagnostic criteria will push their "sister" down a flight of stairs, the shoe fits unfortunately. This one is villainous and the diagnosis does not help.

So, how does he fit the shoe? Richard does not display empathy or remorse towards his actions, he conceals his true intentions, he is a pathological liar and has delusions of grandiose. He wants to pose as the “Knight”, the ultimate savior for his royal highness. In this case, that is you (condolences).

At first, in pursuit of your heart Richard will come off as charming and dreamy. It may seem like a fairytale! You are the delicate rose and he is the nurturing florist, attending to your every beck and call. In fact, he may proclaim undying love for you as soon as there are hints of reciprocation from your side.

He will use the gentlest words of affirmation to coax you out of your shell and learn what makes you tick. People you value, places you like, your deepest fears... All will be used to keep you glued to his side without a chance of leaving. Richard is fully committed to fostering an illusion of a perfect relationship where his beloved can hide behind his back at any sign of danger. But what to do If he is the danger? Who to call for help now?

All escape routes will be gradually cut off, leaving you to solely rely on your partner. Sterling will step-by-step isolate you away from any support net you have had before, entirely submerging your being underwater, trapped in a fishing net of his unyielding devotion. At least he tries to write it off as devotion. The kisses he showers you with are sickly-sweet honey, ignore the bitter aftertaste.

In reality, the intense feelings hammering in the "Knight's" ribcage are a twisted concoction of preoccupation with the ideal love and a sense of entitlement. He deserves to be your only one, he is the only one who can provide his lover with the best conditions. Your opinion on the matter is irrelevant, Richard knows what is best for you.

Granting you with the ability to be beside him should be an honor you flaunt akin to a precious trophy. After all, the public exclusively sees his affectionate glances towards you and self-sacrificial gestures. The local aunties are in awe at this gentlemanly socialite! Play your role, whether you like it or not. If you are a disobedient actor... well, let's just say he might take some heavier measures to keep you in line.

As a mere boy, your partner was capable of manipulating servants to put them in sticky positions that endangered their well-being. Taking ladders down and leaving maids stranded on roofs, tripping up servants carrying heavy pots. Those little pranks were just a child's play (quite literally). Richard's been off his rollers for a while now, his sadistic creativity sky-rocketing with the flow of time. Tread on eggshells around this one. He may be patient, but pushing it is a bad idea.

A misstep previously cost him everything, forcing his hand at erasing the memories in the flames. He cannot mess up again. No matter how much you analyze the little twitches of your partner's face, Richard can never expose his true self. Can’t you see? He is just the perfect man catered to your desires.

Jealousy is not the right term to describe the sheer amount of hatred he has for any advances towards you. Remember, his sense of identity is built around an illusion. If someone tries to interfere with it? Richard takes it as a personal attack and responds accordingly. Quietly, not to seed any doubt that would compromise his image.

Your "lover" does not shy away from rather unconventional and at times disturbing methods of manipulation. Forget raising a hand at you, no, that would bruise his illusion of a perfect bond. Why not slip an herb you are allergic to into your tea instead? Or "coincidentally" leave you locked out of the residence for the night? A perfect opportunity to have you helplessly rely on your knight-in-shining-armor, chipping away at your self-efficacy.

"My dearest angel, I will cure thy illness.", wiping away the sweat from your feverish forehead, Sterling will grasp at your jaw just tightly enough to cause a stinging sensation. His smile is loving, yet his constricted pupils tell a different story. You write off the threat in Richard's tone alongside a chilling promise as side-effects of the brain fog. You must be seeing things. And he will go to great lengths to keep you in this vulnerable position.

Now, for the million dollar question – does Richard ever develop an attachment to you? The answer is surprisingly yes! However, there are some complications.

Within the first stages of your relationship the "Knight" sees no further than your usefulness in his ideal play. A resource to be discarded If it loses value. Gradually, that fixation begins to make a tiny space for you as a person. Richard finds himself genuinely intrigued by your personality traits and interests, which confuses him to no end. How did he come around to purchase your favorite novel, not because it caresses his ego... but because he wants you to enjoy it? Conflicting and unprocessed emotions will simmer in his mind, resulting in irritation. Then, wariness. Finally, acceptance.

Perhaps, for the first time in his emotionally bland life, there is a sense other than morbid curiosity. Should this realization excuse your partner's malicious actions? Absolutely not! The manipulation will not subside at any point, his delusional goals will keep you on your toes no matter what.

Yet, there will be flowers every morning by your bedside, their fragrance thoughtfully matching your preferences. Richard finds it amusing to scratch this unexplored itch of placing importance onto another person. Don't even think about leaving him. It was never an option the moment you've interlocked your hands in a promise of an eternal love. As the "Knight" he is forever loyal to your bond and the same sentiment is expected in return.

[ratherchili]

𖹭 cw: suggestive, mdni

The spotlight is blinding. Thus, to Satoru Gojo, who is always haloed in the glow of it, you were invisible, once. Another face in a dark sea of people that swirl around or break against him like waves, all without ever truly touching him.

You wish you had stayed that way. Invisible. Instead, the slide of his diamond eyes from the top of your head to the tips of your toes makes you feel like you are underneath a microscope, even from across the room. It makes you nervous and uncomfortably warm.

"Leave her alone, Satoru!" Your sister whines as he plops down on the couch next to you, his lanky limbs encroaching on your personal space as he sinks into the cushions.

"Huh?" He mimes bewilderment as he pushes his glasses back to the bridge of his nose. "Oh." His eyes slide in your direction once again as you dig your heels into the cushion and press your little body into the corner of the couch as far away from him as you can get. "Didn't see you there," he says.

You don't believe it for a second, although you make a point not to look up from your phone as you mutter a tepid, "It's fine."

You are grateful that he is distracted by a group of chattering students that gathers around him almost immediately. The way his slender fingers keep inching toward the bare skin of your thigh has you praying for the timely arrival of your study partner. Come on, Suguru, you think to yourself as you check the read receipt on your last text for the hundredth time.

Satoru excuses himself, mumbling something about the restroom, shortly after he feels the weight of you leave the couch. The only reason he comes to your sisters stupid house parties is for the opportunity to get you alone. He is eager to unravel the mystery of how you, a lesser moon, had managed to pull him into your sad, little orbit.

The wind was already giving you enough trouble lighting your cigarette before Satoru's bright voice rings out from behind you. "Whatcha doing out here all by yourself?" He asks. And, before you even have the opportunity to find your stolen breath, he's closed the distance between you and snatched up your wrists in his hands. "You're shaking?" He hums as you drop your smoke. "What's the matter, hm?"

There isn't the faintest trace of true concern in his voice and his eyes glitter with amusement as he leans in even closer. "Shouldn't smoke, you know," he says, releasing a wrist in favor of grasping your chin and prodding at the shocked 'o' of your lips with his thumb. "Don't want these pretty lips to wrinkle."

You're still stuttering, "Er... I- huh- wha-" when he presses his lips to yours. He tastes sweet like whatever fruity drink he'd been nursing. And when did your lips part, for his tongue? You hadn't meant to tug at his bottom lip with your teeth like that, although, judging by the appreciative hum that bubbles out of his throat, he doesn't mind. Your hummingbird heart threatens to burst out of your own as you tear yourself away from him and sprint towards the safety of your room.

"Can't believe you're going for that guy," Suguru, who is already lying across your bed, says with his usual easy smile as you slam the door shut behind you.

"He went for me!" You exclaim, cheeks burning. "When did you get here? I was waiting for you!"

"So it's all my fault, huh?" He says, propping himself upon an elbow and closing the book in front of him.

Before you can answer, there is a knock at the door and Satoru muffled voice whining to be let in. You can only gape at your friend with a look of wide-eyed terror.

"Let him in," Suguru says, moving to sit on the edge of the bed. "I'll deal with him." You have little choice as the slender man is already shoving the door open and wedging himself inside.

Suguru chuckles, shaking his head. "Satoru," he tuts, "that wasn't part of the plan. Rude of you to start without me."

[arrow-gt-ace]

REALLY big size difference in g/t. hear me out... a tiny so small they fit on the fingertip of their giant. less than an inch tall, less than half an inch tall. they're the size of a little ant, a breadcrumb, a dust speck. imagine how careful the giant would have to be carrying the tiny like this, they'd have to move so slowly and make sure they don't even breathe directly on them, lest they accidentally blow their new little friend away then the giant deposits the tiny onto a more solid surface like a table or a desk. They carefully angle their finger so that the tiny can slide off by themself. The giant kneels next to the table and lowers themself so that their eyes are just above the surface, all so that they can be as close as possible to the tiny. They have to be careful so as to not jostle the surface the tiny is on, so their movements are very intentional. yes, getting say a magnifying glass or microscope might help the giant with seeing the tiny, but instead the giant just closes one eye so that they can barely focus on the minuscule shape of a person on the table in front of them. even when the giant moves their ear closer to the tiny, the tiny's voice might be nothing more than a barely audible noise (if that), to the point where the giant can't even make out the words. when the giant themself speaks, their voice might blow out their tiny friend's eardrums, so they simply don't use their voice in their presence. But that's ok. They might not be able to have physical interaction or conversations in quite the same way as either of them are used to, but they find their own ways to do so. They adapt for each other Despite how incredibly small the tiny is, the giant still acknowledges them and respects them as a person. So incredibly huge the giant must be, yet they're still so incredibly gentle and kind. They develop a friendship despite how almost incomprehensible the scale is and it's just... aaaaa