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northamptoncouplestherapy · 4 years

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Online Therapy for International Couples

We work with international couples from all around the globe.

As an international couple, you may face cultural, relationship, or language challenges living as expats, or you may be an international couple navigating language and cultural differences between you. Alternatively, you may need international online couples counseling because one of you travels extensively and is away on business for days, weeks, or months at a time.

International couples experience unique strains. Your couples therapist must be able to understand when cultural differences are making it hard for you to connect, and be non-judgemental and open-minded to help you learn how to communicate and connect better despite your differences. In our online therapy for overseas couples, we take the time to get to know you and your partner, assess where you are getting stuck, and help you develop strategies that make sense.

As an international couple, you don't have the luxury of a shared cultural background, or even knowing precisely what your partner means when they use a specific word. You have to work hard to "translate" each other's meanings and needs to create a shared sense of identity. International online couples therapy can help smooth out those bumps and improve communication and intimacy by developing skills for a better connection.

There are multiple challenges international couples face which online couples therapy will help: living overseas away from family and friends; navigating two different cultures within your relationship; loneliness; language differences/ barriers; having different ideas about mealtime, celebrations, family roles, extended-family involvement, and more. We will help you deepen your understanding of what is causing distance or fighting and teach you how to get unstuck.

Online couples therapy is particularly effective in working with international couples and the issues you face because we effectively come to you, wherever you are in the world.

We provide online counseling worldwide and use the most secure online connection to protect your privacy.

How does international couples therapy online work?

We offer sessions between 8a and 9p EST. We will send you an invitation through a secure platform for your online couples therapy appointment. All you have to do is have a private place to meet every week for 90 minutes. You bring your thoughts, feelings, and needs. We'll bring our expertise in couples therapy, online therapy, and working with international couples. Together, we'll create a more positive connection for you and your partner.

What are the advantages of online therapy with NCCT?

We work with the time you have available and save you the hassle of finding an expert near you. You don't have to drive to and from appointments so that you can get farther, faster with us. All this makes it easier to see your therapist regularly. We know from Gottman's research that regular couples therapy is a major key to success. When you do the work regularly, you get better, sooner.

International couples have many, many options for online therapy. We believe couples therapy is an expertise, and one we take seriously. You wouldn't go to a general doctor for a heart condition. When you work with us, you are choosing the leading experts in couples therapy.

Are there disadvantages to international online couples counseling?

Any therapy can have possible adverse effects, and online international couples therapy is no different. Before we meet with you online, we will talk to you to better understand your needs to ensure you are a good candidate for online work. Also, you'll need a good internet connection and a computer with a webcam to make sure we can talk as easily as possible.

At NCCT, our therapists are well-versed in the Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and other leading couples therapy methodologies. More importantly, we are also passionate about supporting international couples and multiracial couples, helping you and your partner build bridges toward one another that are rooted in love, respect, and understanding.

In addition to online therapy for overseas couples, we offer private, intensive 2-Day and 3-Day couples retreats, marriage retreats, and weekly couples therapy sessions at our home office. We also have new extended hours and team members to meet a growing demand for expert, research-based couples therapy in the New England area, US and overseas.

#Online Therapy #online couples therapy #Emotionally Focused Therapy #gottman method

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multiracialmedia-blog · 7 years

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Ask Lisa Advice: Anticipating Microaggressions

This week, I counsel a Black Woman whose White Fiancé calls her out for Anticipating Microaggressions

Dear Lisa,

I am not “Multiracial” but I am in a mixed relationship, which is why I am writing here. I am Black, my fiancé is White and he changes the subject every time I suggest that someone might be racist. Examples are, the classic, overly “polite” sales clerks at nice clothing stores going “Um… can I help you?” Or the taxi driver who scoots by me every time. Or my fiancé’s old “friend” we ran into, who heard he got engaged but fails to get that I’m the fiancée and, without looking at me, asks him “who the lucky lady is.” Like he couldn’t possibly be engaged to a Black chick.

I asked my fiancé why he refuses to get into discussions with me about these things. He says he hates reminders that we have very different backgrounds when we have so much else in common. (We do!)

Lately, I am afraid to complain to him about these annoying encounters even though they happen all the time. (Life, right?) I love him and I don’t want to call attention to anything that makes more of our differences if it bothers him. I don’t want to seem oversensitive, but I am starting to resent keeping these “microaggressions” (I don’t know what else to call them) to myself. I have dated 2 White guys before this (in my line of work there are not many Black men) and at some point both told me I was overreacting to things I called racist.

Not sure how to handle it this time.

Dear RL,

Of course you are anticipating microaggressions! It’s bad enough that these things happen routinely, but worse that you can’t go home and vent about them to your fiancé. By challenging your statements or changing the subject, he is failing to validate your very real experiences. Your fiancé’s response leads you to censor yourself, which is making you resent him. I am sure I don’t need to tell you how unaddressed resentment impacts a relationship.

Since He is not the one Anticipating Microaggressions (or Noticing them in Any Way) it is Up to You to Turn This Around

Clearly—judging from the fact that you are engaged—you love him; he loves you, and you are both invested in making this better. So set the stage. Don’t bring this up in the heat of a spat. Do it when you are both calm. You want to be heard, so don’t start the discussion by scolding either. However, do be direct.

Say, “My love, you are planning to marry a Black woman. My being Black and your being White makes us different. These differences are okay and something to cherish, not deny, because they are real. There are things you need to know about my existence as a Black woman, things you will have to take my word for.

“For example, I am always anticipating microaggressions—small daily interactions characterized by subtle, often unintentional racism on the part of others. When I describe these things to you, I need you to listen and support me, even if makes you feel uncomfortable to hear all that.”

Then you might ask if it makes him uncomfortable to talk about race and racism. Of course it does, or he wouldn’t be changing the subject all the time. But this—here and now—is the beginning of your life together. You are setting the tone for open dialogue, providing the template for talking about race. So hold his hand and continue:

“For example, the receptionist at the dentist’s office asked to touch my hair again today.” Tell him how frustrating that was for you. If he doesn’t know what to say, tell him what to say so he knows the next time.

As a Black Woman, You are Not Oversensitive for Anticipating Microagressions

There are a zillion other Black women out there to validate your experiences. But it is crucial that your fiancé learns to validate you too. If he is truly worth your love, he will be open to learning about your world view (as you must learn his, marriage being a two-way street). You must be patient with one another and have realistic expectations given the racial learning curve. The best interracial relationships work because both members of the couple learn to see the world through each other’s eyes. If you teach your guy well, sooner or later he will enter restaurants anticipating microaggressions right along with you.

Ask Lisa Advice: Anticipating Microaggressions if you want to check out other voices of the Multiracial Community click here Multiracial Media

#Black #interracial #Microaggressions #White

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providencereiki · 3 years

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Cultural Competency & 7 Things You Should Expect from a Mental Health Professional

I am incredibly grateful for the experiences of working with the Urban League for several years. The National Urban League works to provide economic empowerment, educational opportunities and the guarantee of civil rights for the underserved in America. I had the opportunity to work with and be supervised by many excellent social workers, community organizers and counselors that trained me in…

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#Cultural Competency #Cultural Competency Mental Health Professionals #Cultural Competent Counselors #Cultural Competent Therapists #Everyday Feminism #Henry David Thoreau #Multicultural #Multicultural Couples Counseling #Multiracial #Multiracial Couples Counseling #Rachel Naomi Remen #Racial and Cultural Issues #Robin J. Landwehr #The Gottman Institute #Thich Nhat Hanh

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providencereiki · 2 years

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The Marriage Lesson That I Learned Too Late

The Marriage Lesson That I Learned Too Late is a statement I have heard much too often. This is also true for people that are not married or even a couple. We may learn too late in relationships with family, friends, co-workers, neighbors or anybody. In this case, “The Marriage Lesson” is a lesson for all relationships! The awareness that small things are significant in our relationships is…

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providencereiki · 2 years

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Don’t Be Afraid of Being Alone. Be Afraid of Being In A Bad Relationship

Being alone. One of the greatest fears many people experience. Those in difficult and/or toxic relationships debate between being alone and being in a bad relationship often, even daily. Being alone can be a terrifying fear that can create desperation and self-destruction. How do we know when a relationship has gotten to the point that being alone is less challenging than being present? (more…)

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providencereiki · 3 years

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Red Flags For Your Relationships

We have all been there, the red flags in a new relationship. When launching a new relationship, we see these little signs that are instincts tell us “RUN” but we don’t listen. They are attractive, fun or funny, maybe they have a good job or career or maybe they are just so different than the last relationship that ANYTHING feels like an upgrade. These red flags are not always obvious to us…

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northamptoncouplestherapy · 4 years

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Online Therapy for International Couples

Online couples therapy is particularly effective in working with international couples and the issues you face because we effectively come to you, wherever you are in the world.

We provide online counseling worldwide and use the most secure online connection to protect your privacy.

How does international couples therapy online work?

What are the advantages of online therapy with NCCT?

Are there disadvantages to international online couples counseling?

SCHEDULE YOUR FREE INITIAL PHONE CONSULTATION NOW

#Online Therapy #Couples Therapy Retreats #Couples Therapy #Couples Retreats #Gottman Method #Emotionally Focused Therapy #Northampton Center for Couples Therapy

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northamptoncouplestherapy · 5 years

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Online couples therapy is particularly effective in working with international couples and the issues you face because we effectively come to you, wherever you are in the world.

We provide online counseling worldwide and use the most secure online connection to protect your privacy.

SCHEDULE YOUR FREE INITIAL PHONE CONSULTATION NOW

How does international couples therapy online work?

What are the advantages of online therapy with NCCT?

SCHEDULE YOUR FREE INITIAL PHONE CONSULTATION NOW

Are there disadvantages to international online couples counseling?

#Emotionally Focused Therapy #Gottman Method #Couples Therapy #Couples Counseling #Couples Retreats #Marriage Retreats #Marriage Counseling #Marriage Therapy #Northampton Center for Couples Therapy

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northamptoncouplestherapy · 5 years

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Marriage is a sacred bond between two people. You meet. You get to know one another, and you soon become inseparable — each of you growing to love each other in such a way that you no longer want to spend a moment apart.

All couples want this kind of storybook ending.

Yet, any couple who has been married longer than two minutes can tell you, it’s not that easy. Marriages have struggles. People are people, and when two get together there is no telling how your unique personalities and individual chemistries might work together.

And with 17 percent of marriages taking place among multiracial couples (compared to 3 percent just 50 years ago) racial identity is just another element in that chemical reaction to consider when calibrating your ideal “love reaction.”

To gain insight on this very important topic, we reached out to our own Paula Shulman, MA, LMFT, who founded and directed the Biracial Families Resource Center in New York City in 1983 and the Multiracial Group of Western Massachusetts in 1987. She has been a diversity trainer since the 1970’s and has served multiracial couples since 1983, from New York City to Pioneer Valley.

Paula has formed groups for people in multiracial families, holding monthly gatherings where children could see and interact with families who “look like” them. She has also hosted seminars and other events, during which speakers led workshops on the unique strengths and challenges of multiracial families.

In short, Paula has a wealth of expertise on the topic. Throughout the blog below, she provides invaluable advice on how to keep the “love alive” despite the distinct pressures multiracial couples still face in today’s society.

Is Love and Happiness Truly Enough?

In a perfect world, people would be open-minded and have an innate understanding that those of different racial and cultural groups have unique experiences and differences in values. We would be just as comfortable asking about racial/cultural experiences as we would be with sharing whether we like animals or what we enjoy doing in our leisure time.

Unfortunately, our society is far from ideal. Racism and discrimination are rampant. From crude coworkers to unaccepting family members, everyone we meet comes to the table with their biases and prejudices.

Our families are no different — such that the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) has even coined a term, racial devaluation, to describe the exclusionary behaviors of our family members towards a spouse of a different racial identity.

According to the AAMFT, racial devaluation occurs when negative attitudes and behaviors are expressed toward anyone outside of the family origin. These attitudes often manifest themselves as derogatory comments or actions aimed at their relative’s loved one.

Because racism is such an intense experience and impacts the couple, people in multiracial relationships can benefit from marriage counseling that is both research-based and founded on principles of celebrating racial/cultural differences and inclusion.

Love and happiness in a marriage will get you from the altar to the chapel exit.

However, once you enter the real-world, your eyes will do a double take. Two people can live in love and happiness, but if outside influences threaten the joy, peace, and patience, you have in each other, this cruelty can hurt the foundation you have laid with your spouse.

And while it is true that all relationships have struggles, when you add racial/cultural differences to the equation, couples struggle on a whole new level. But the good news is that there are keys to overcoming racial barriers the outside world throws your way. It becomes imperative to develop ways to protect the relationship from the negativity that stems from racism, biases, and ignorance. If you are in an multiracial relationship or marriage, here are tips to help you and you and your partner.

Understanding Your Partner’s Perspective

The first step is knowing your partner inside and out. This is about more than their favorite color or how they take their coffee. It’s about developing your Love Maps. Learn your partner’s history, what worries them, their fears and joys, and their dreams and aspirations.

As any first-grade teacher would tell you, if you don’t know the answer to a question, the best way to learn is to ask.

When In Doubt, Ask

If you have a spouse with a different background, learn to appreciate your spouse for who they are. Also, be intentional and consistent about your learning. Then, your bond can move beyond the mere “I love you” stage and toward the “I love you because ______.” Loving your partner for who they are includes understanding and appreciating your different upbringings, life experiences, family histories, cultures, and racial sensitivities. It means listening and understanding what it is like for the partner who encounters racism in the world on a daily basis. It also means examining one’s own privileged status, whether it be white privilege, socio-economic privilege, or any other privileged status that one partner may have and the other may not.

Paula Shulman emphasizes the importance of developing a whole set of questions to understand your partner. As Paula states, “People in multiracial relationships really do need to discuss their histories and experiences. Some questions to ask include: When was the first time you became aware of your racial identity? How did this occur? Who (if anyone) was there to help you process this? How do you experience things around racial identity differently now? What do you need from me to support you in healing from painful experiences? What are you proud of in your culture, and how have you learned to cope?”

Understand Your Partner’s Love Map

It is one thing to ask an open-ended question of your partner; it is another thing to listen to their answer. Most controversial questions we ask tend to be rhetorical. We don’t expect an answer; we want to vent frustration about a situation or to express an irritation on a subject. To get to know your partner, you need to understand where they are coming from.

For people in some racial groups, where you sat mattered. If you were to sit at a table, in a room, on a bus, or even in public — it mattered. Choosing the wrong seat could draw ridicule, racist words, or worse. Someone from a different racial identity could not understand those feelings. So, to understand your spouse’s position, you need to ask those difficult questions, then truly listen. For Dr. Gottman these listening instances are part of understanding your partner’s “love map.” and are crucial to the longevity of a union or marriage.

While telling your partner that the racism they experience is “not real” is never allowed, Paula points out similar statements you should avoid, such as:

“You are too sensitive.”

“Why can’t you just get over it?”

“That person didn’t really mean it.”

“They have good intentions.”

Or….

“You’re just so clueless.”

“You don’t even want to understand what it’s like for me.”

“You [insert race] people live in a fantasy world.”

Instead, Paula suggests to adopt patterns of thinking such as: “I love this person. I choose to be with them. I keep my heart, eyes, and mind open to learning, validating, and supporting them in their experience. I choose to be their biggest ally, cheerleader, and support person.”

“While there are many things you may not understand at first,” Paula says, “with time, you can develop a stronger understanding of one another’s experiences and forge a strong bond between you that will bolster you through these big challenges.”

Respond With Love & Care

Also, remember to give your partner your full attention. Use full eye contact. Avoid distractions. Receive their response, process it, and convey understanding. Listen, do not discount.

It is also worth mentioning, that if a situation feels real enough to your partner then it is real to you, too. This is crucial within multiracial marriages and relationships. Their concerns of negative influence, ridicule, and even blatant intolerance are important. Embracing them as your own is important to the longevity of your relationship.

Paula advises that each partner “has the other partner’s back (and so much more).”

“While family member or friends may have difficulty embracing your partner,” adds Paula, “you should strive for an open, understanding, and empathetic form of solidarity with one another. That way, you can meet the challenges you will each face and deal with overt, and covert, racism, bias, and prejudice. It is also important to build a community of people who “get” you as a couple, support you, and can serve as listening ears for you to turn to when your partner is not available.”

Dealing with Pressures of Intolerance in the Family

Every relationship is different. Some multiracial couples can form a “live and let live” acceptance with their family members, while others need to allow time for family members to understand, grow, and accept their differences. Often, this occurs over a (sometimes very long) period of time. Meanwhile, each partner will have different ideas about what they are willing or able to “take” from their partner’s family.”

“Talk deeply with one another,” Paula suggests. “Also, utilize therapists to facilitate these conversations, so that you can create a sense of solidarity and support for one another’s needs. This might include standing up for yourselves within your families and setting clear boundaries lines — ones which no family member is allowed to cross.”

Paula goes on to emphasize the fact that overt discrimination is completely unacceptable. “Whether out of fear or ignorance on the part of the family member, or overt bias, prejudice, or stereotypical ideas, these behaviors are just not okay. Sometimes, the issue involves deep psychological problems. Other times, it is simply caused by parents who want to control their “child,” or superficial issues, such as what the “neighbors” might think. What to do about these issues depends a lot on the unique family. However, in any situation, the couple must take a stand.”

Acceptance is Key

We can manage the atmosphere in our homes, but we also have to deal with what happens outside our four walls. You can work together as a couple to find different ways of meeting obstacles you face, including social action and spending time with people who support you as a multiracial couple. Also, make a point to decide together how you will meet new challenges. When something comes up, make a point to talk about it and meet it with a sense of unity.

The way you react to an issue has the potential to either exacerbate the situation or snuff it out. Remember to be sensitive and compassionate towards your partner and discuss/share with your partner how racist words and attitudes make you feel. Understanding and validating your partner’s experience is critical to maintaining a safe bond between you.

Respect Your Partner

As new issues arise, you must always respect your partner’s feelings about them. Telling them to ignore the other party is not always the best (or wanted) piece of advice. Ignoring it will not stop the issue, nor will it resolve your partner or spouse’s angst. Respecting your partner also means standing beside them. It is completely normal to not be able to fully understand what it is like to walk in another person’s shoes. However, listening, validating, and making room for their experience can go a long way in decreasing their sense of loneliness and offering support.

Support & Challenge

Remind your spouse that every situation is temporary and that your love for them will not change through outside influences. Encourage them to talk about their feelings, and to lean on you when needed. Support means to challenge your partner to achieve their hopes and dreams. One person’s opinion cannot dampen the feelings you have for each other, and it will not inhibit you from achieving all you planned for your relationship and your life.

Build Character Through Communication

One final aspect is communication. If one is silent about their struggles, then those problems only build up. Talking honestly with your spouse or partner helps you build your bank of shared experiences. Both the good and bad. It’s easy to stand beside someone during good times. Character is revealed in the heart of battle. In fact, fighting through the negative will strengthen your relationship far more than a positive experience ever could.

Final Thoughts

A core tenet of the Gottman Method is creating a sense of shared meaning with your partner or spouse. Being a member of a multiracial relationship or marriage presents a unique opportunity for you to do just that with your loved one. By making a point to understand your partner’s dreams, along with the specific challenges they may face, you can both work toward forging a relationship language that is rooted in trust and cemented in respect and love.

Being a member of a multiracial and/or multicultural couple opens up enormous opportunities to grow, learn, expand, and develop one’s view of the world, and develop new ways of living life to the fullest. Whether through the creation of new holidays, family meals, or rituals of connection, make a point to embrace and celebrate the doors that having a diverse family culture opens to you both.

When you trust that your partner has your back, and you have theirs, there is no limit to what you can achieve together.

At NCCT, our therapists are well-versed in the Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy and other leading couples therapy methodologies. More importantly, we are also passionate about supporting multiracial couples, helping you and your partner build bridges toward one another that are rooted in love, respect, and understanding.

We offer private, intensive 2-Day and 3-Day couples retreats, marriage retreats and weekly couples therapy sessions. We also have new extended hours and team members to meet a growing demand for expert, research-based couples therapy in the New England area and across the US.

#Couples Therapist #Couples Therapy Retreats #Northampton Center for Couples Therapy #Marriage Counseling Retreat #Marriage Counseling #Marriage Therapy #Marriage Therapy Retreats #Relationship Counseling #Relationship Counseling Retreat #Relationship Therapy #Premarital Counseling Retreats

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northamptoncouplestherapy · 5 years

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All couples want this kind of storybook ending.

Yet, any couple who has been married longer than two minutes can tell you, it's not that easy. Marriages have struggles. People are people, and when two get together there is no telling how your unique personalities and individual chemistries might work together.

Is Love and Happiness Truly Enough?

Love and happiness in a marriage will get you from the altar to the chapel exit.

Understanding Your Partner’s Perspective

As any first-grade teacher would tell you, if you don’t know the answer to a question, the best way to learn is to ask.

When In Doubt, Ask

If you have a spouse with a different background, learn to appreciate your spouse for who they are. Also, be intentional and consistent about your learning. Then, your bond can move beyond the mere “I love you” stage and toward the “I love you because ______.” Loving your partner for who they are includes understanding and appreciating your different upbringings, life experiences, family histories, cultures, and racial sensitivities. It means listening and understanding what it is like for the partner who encounters racism in the world on a daily basis. It also means examining one's own privileged status, whether it be white privilege, socio-economic privilege, or any other privileged status that one partner may have and the other may not.

Understand Your Partner’s Love Map

For people in some racial groups, where you sat mattered. If you were to sit at a table, in a room, on a bus, or even in public — it mattered. Choosing the wrong seat could draw ridicule, racist words, or worse. Someone from a different racial identity could not understand those feelings. So, to understand your spouse's position, you need to ask those difficult questions, then truly listen. For Dr. Gottman these listening instances are part of understanding your partner’s “love map.” and are crucial to the longevity of a union or marriage.

While telling your partner that the racism they experience is “not real” is never allowed, Paula points out similar statements you should avoid, such as:

“You are too sensitive.”

“Why can’t you just get over it?”

“That person didn’t really mean it.”

“They have good intentions.”

Or….

“You’re just so clueless.”

“You don’t even want to understand what it’s like for me.”

“You [insert race] people live in a fantasy world.”

Respond With Love & Care

Also, remember to give your partner your full attention. Use full eye contact. Avoid distractions. Receive their response, process it, and convey understanding. Listen, do not discount.

Paula advises that each partner “has the other partner’s back (and so much more).”

Dealing with Pressures of Intolerance in the Family

Acceptance is Key

The way you react to an issue has the potential to either exacerbate the situation or snuff it out. Remember to be sensitive and compassionate towards your partner and discuss/share with your partner how racist words and attitudes make you feel. Understanding and validating your partner's experience is critical to maintaining a safe bond between you.

Respect Your Partner

Support & Challenge

Build Character Through Communication

Final Thoughts

A core tenet of the Gottman Method is creating a sense of shared meaning with your partner or spouse. Being a member of a multiracial relationship or marriage presents a unique opportunity for you to do just that with your loved one. By making a point to understand your partner's dreams, along with the specific challenges they may face, you can both work toward forging a relationship language that is rooted in trust and cemented in respect and love.

Being a member of a multiracial and/or multicultural couple opens up enormous opportunities to grow, learn, expand, and develop one's view of the world, and develop new ways of living life to the fullest. Whether through the creation of new holidays, family meals, or rituals of connection, make a point to embrace and celebrate the doors that having a diverse family culture opens to you both.

When you trust that your partner has your back, and you have theirs, there is no limit to what you can achieve together.

#Couples Therapy #Couples Therapist #Couples Retreats #Couples Counseling #Marriage Therapy #Marriage Therapist #Marriage Counseling #Marriage Retreats #Premarital Counseling Retreats #Relationship Counseling #Relationship Therapist #Relationship Therapy #Relationship Retreats

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multiracialmedia-blog · 7 years

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Ask Lisa Advice: Blacks-Only Commencement and the Mixed Girl

Biracial student struggles over the idea of attending a Blacks-only commencement.

Today I counsel a young Biracial woman who is ambivalent about participating in the Blacks-only commencement her university is planning.

Dear Lisa,

I am a 19-year-old Biracial woman, the product of a White mother and Black father. I identify as Biracial, not Black, but I recognize that most people see me as Black, which is fine. I just completed my freshman year at an elite liberal arts college. Inspired by Harvard and some other universities, where they started annual, separate Blacks-only commencement ceremonies, the Black Students’ Union at my college is lobbying to hold the same kind of thing here. I feel that this separate graduation thing is extremely problematic. Nothing about it feels right to me. To separate myself from half my identity is against my values.

Unfortunately, my views are not commonly held on this campus. Because of the group-think among students of color here, I know that in three years, I will be pressured to participate in this event and judged as an Oreo or an incognegro if I do not.

I have always had Black, White, Asian, Hispanic and Mixed friends and family members, so to identify as one thing, and to participate in an event that I consider segregationist feels unnatural and goes against everything I stand for.

I also think this event is a kind of racial-profiling, in that it just assumes because of what I look like I will want my own graduation ceremony away from White students. To me that is just as racist as assuming I will want to eat soul food all the time or listen to R&B instead of rock. These things fail to recognize the individuality of Black and Mixed people.

I have a couple of monoracial Black friends who feel as I do, but no one wants to stand up against the ceremony because we will be attacked for siding with “our oppressors.”

I know this fight is three years away for me, but I am already preparing for and dreading it. Tell me: am I over-reacting? Should I let this go, suck it up and participate in something that makes me uncomfortable? Or it is worth it to stand my ground and be true to myself?

Inclusive Mixed Girl

Dear Inclusive,

This issue is relevant for Multiracial people of all ages, especially young adults, defining themselves in an extra-familial context for the first time.

College was where I first learned I was expected to identify with the Black community, that failing to do so meant abandoning my people and casting my lot with the White majority. I remember thinking: but I don’t have “one” people. Everyone is my people! For better or for worse, I chose not to associate with anyone who defined me by my color first and foremost. Instead, I stuck to my fellow dancers and performers, who came in all colors and races, and who were not outwardly political or polarized in their views. Among performers, I could breathe, be me, and never deal with race. That was how I liked it back then.

I admit, when I was nineteen, the subject of race fascinated me on an intellectual level only. My father spoke and wrote extensively about it. He loved to engage me and hear my ideas on the subject. Yet the notion of racial identification on a practical, day-to-day level made me squirm. I did not feel Black. Or rather, I did not feel like I thought a Black person was supposed to feel.

As a Young College Student, I Held my own Stereotypes that Prevented Me From Understanding Just How Broad a Black Identity Could Be

Having no Black relatives to speak of besides my father, I wish I had done more to immerse myself in the richness of the Black community on my college campus. I wish I had participated more in Black-focused activities and taken more African American studies courses. The only reason I didn’t was an immature fear of being stereotyped and “lumped” with a community I didn’t know or understand.

I was a ballet dancer. That was my primary identity. And, since teenage ballet dancers view themselves as superior to mere mortals, I could not imagine anyone—White, Black or otherwise looking down on me. As for people who didn’t have 180-degree turnout, high arches, and arabesques like the letter “Y,” I looked down on them regardless of race!

I therefore had no resentment toward White people—something I understood to be requisite for identifying as Black. When people questioned my race or my loyalties, I clung to my dancer-self (though I had turned down a ballet contract to come to University in the first place).

Your discomfort with the Blacks-only commencement ceremony resonates for me. If there had been such a thing at my college, I too might have skipped it, then felt ashamed of skipping it, uncertain of the source of my shame. For the sake of my nineteen-year-old self, I am glad that I didn’t have to confront your dilemma.

It seems like you’re asking if it’s acceptable to think independently from others who share your DNA. Must we all have the same political beliefs because of our color and background? Must we all champion the same causes? Agree on the same solutions for righting past wrongs? The answer is no. You do not have to think with the group.

It is Always Your Decision Whether to Participate in the Blacks-only Commencement or Not. Just be Confident Enough in Your Choice to Weather the Judgment of Others

And, be sure to make your choice without denying others their right to celebrate commencement as they desire.

Years after my own college experience, I think it is important for you to dialogue with other students of color about this. Try to understand the purpose of a Blacks-only commencement ceremony before you denounce it. You may well find that it is not about excluding anyone else, but instead about history and a triumph over obstacles.

Most critics claim that Blacks-only commencement ceremonies are inherently racist because it excludes non-Blacks. Harvard’s actually welcomed students of all races to attend, just not to participate.

There is a fine line between racial exclusivity and making space for a much-maligned group to celebrate its triumph over obstacles. I encourage you to keep an open mind. Spend these next three years exploring, experimenting with pieces of your Multiracial identity, reading and learning about all your different ancestors. Keep making friends of different races, listening to different world views and opinions. Join the Blacks-only commencement ceremony or don’t. You can do either and still remain true to your whole inclusive self.

Ask Lisa Advice: Blacks-Only Commencement and the Mixed Girl if you want to check out other voices of the Multiracial Community click here Multiracial Media

#biracial #Blacks-only

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multiracialmedia-blog · 7 years

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Ask Lisa: Advice for the Multiracial Community #1

Today we begin a new advice column, which will address itself to issues confronting those in the Multiracial Community. Our advice columnist is Lisa Rosenberg, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice since 1999. Lisa is multiracial—black/white—and specializes in counseling multiracial families, couples and individuals including issues related to transracial adoption.

Do you have a question?

Ask Lisa

And, with that, let’s begin:

Dear Lisa,

Please help me understand why my daughter-in-law, who is as white as I am, thinks I am racist. I admit that my husband and I live in a town and attend a church that is mostly white, but we are politically liberal and believe that all people are equal in God’s eyes, no matter what color they are.

Four years ago my son and his wife adopted a beautiful little girl from China. My husband was skeptical of their adopting a child of another race, but I reassured him that it would be fine, seeing as the child would be raised in our son’s family and so would be just like our other grandchildren.

This has turned out to be very much the case. I am very close to my granddaughter and consider her my own blood, even if she is not. Well, this past Christmas, I guess I really put my foot in it, though I do not understand how or why. Wanting to let my daughter-in-law know how I felt about my granddaughter, I said “I love her so much I barely notice she that is Chinese anymore.” My daughter-in-law was furious with me, called me racist and would not explain what was wrong with what I said. My son is no help. He just told me to let his wife cool down and everything will be fine. What is wrong with what I said?

-Hurt Grandma wants to learn.

Dear Hurt,

I can tell you love your granddaughter very much, but why shouldn’t you notice that she’s Chinese? She is Chinese and that’s one of the wonderful things that makes her special. Your statement implies that being Chinese is something to be overcome with the help of love. Can you love your granddaughter because of—rather than despite—her differences?

I counsel all parents (and grandparents!) welcoming a child from another country, or of another race, to embrace the child’s culture and incorporate it into the family. When their daughter came home, your son and his wife stopped being a white couple and became an interracial family. Chinese is a part of their identity and now yours as well. You owe it to your granddaughter to learn something about the province she comes from, about the history and about the food.

Also, read books for parents adopting children of different races, as your son and his wife probably have, to understand how to make your transracially adopted granddaughter feel accepted, confident and proud of who she is.

***

Dear Lisa,

I am biracial (white, British mom and black, Kenyan father) and will soon be marrying an African American woman whom I love deeply. The problem is, she insists that we include the American Slave tradition of “jumping the broom” in our wedding. I am not comfortable with this practice, as I feel it is demeaning and connects us to a slave culture that should be left in the past. Since my African heritage comes from my dad who is Kenyan, American slavery is not part of my personal heritage. How can I convince my bride-to-be that our wedding should be about us and not archaic traditions that do nothing to elevate the relationships of people of color?

–Broomless Groom

Dear Broomless,

You say you love your fiancée deeply, yet you seem very quick to disparage a tradition she holds dear. Though there is some debate about the exact origin of Jumping the Broom, most agree that it is one of the few West African practices that American slaves were able to preserve. Many American blacks view it as a beautiful a way to honor ancestors and celebrate the survival of a brutalized, denigrated people. Ask your fiancée to talk about what the ritual means to her and to her family. Then share one of your own family’s traditions which you would like to include in the ceremony.

Though some might not consider you and your fiancée an interracial couple, you come from vastly different cultures. To make this marriage work long-term, you will need to create a joint culture in your home that celebrates both your families. Learn about each other’s family customs (I hope you have done this already!) and figure out how to keep the most cherished ones alive. This will sustain you as a couple and will be of enormous value to your future children.

My wedding gift to the two of you is one word: dialogue. If you can share your viewpoints—about culture, traditions and everything else—if you can listen to each other with open minds and hearts, your union will thrive.

***

Dear Lisa

This is the latest chapter in the ongoing feud between myself and my younger sister. We are both mixed-race and were raised by our white mother in a largely black neighborhood. For reasons that I won’t get into, my sister (who is actually several shades darker-skinned than I am) has always identified more with our mother’s Scotch-Irish heritage than with our father’s African-American heritage. I am much more connected to my black ancestors than she is. Not surprisingly, her husband is white and mine is black.

On Christmas, when I off-handedly referred to my six-year-old son as biracial, my sister lit into me, saying that he can’t be biracial if he is three-quarters black. She says that to “count” as mixed-race, you have to be half and half like we are, and have two parents of different races. On the other hand, she insists that her three children, who are ¾ white, DO count as mixed only because appearance-wise they cannot pass for white. I got through Christmas, but I haven’t spoken to her since. My husband, who considers all of us BLACK, period, says to let it go: what do I care how my sister categorizes our boy? But I am still angry. I think my sister is being exclusionary and elitist. How do I explain to her that it is my son’s right to identify however he pleases?

–Mad Sis

Dear Mad,

What about just telling your sister that it is your son’s right to identify however he pleases?

Of course, I suspect you are looking for something more than that—some advice to ease the complex dynamic between you and Sis? You mentioned quite a few things that I would want to explore if I were seeing the two of you for family therapy. Most significantly:

1) The skin color difference between the two of you. Did being different shades of brown have an impact on your sibling relationship as well as your identity in general? Did being lighter-skinned in a largely black neighborhood put pressure on you to identify more with your black heritage? Likewise, did being darker make your sister work harder to identify with your mother?

2) Fractions. You mention that your sister’s children are ¾ white and she notes that yours are ¾ black, where you and your sister are ½ and ½. If you were in my office, I would ask whether people in your family routinely identify multiracial people in fractions and what that means to you.

3) If your husband identifies all of you as “black, period,” what conversations do you have with him about racial identification (you referred to yourself as mixed-race and your son as biracial)? Does he object to your referring to your son as biracial?

In any case, it would be great if you and your sister could have a few sessions with a credentialed family therapist to talk over your relationship and shared multiracial heritage. That said, right now I would let your sister know exactly why you are angry. Is it that she implied that her children “counted” more than your son because of their genetic make-up? Do you feel she is denying your son’s connection with your mother’s Scotch-Irish roots? It may be helpful to write out everything that is bothering you and then talk over the main points with her when you are both feeling calm.

—

The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.

The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. This column, its author, and this website (multiracialmedia.com) and their individual and/or collective employees, representatives, agents, principals, members, successors and/or assigns are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions.

By submitting any information to this website, you grant the column, its author, this website (multiracialmedia.com) and their individual and/or collective employees, representatives, agents, principals, members, successors and/or assigns, permission to publish it on this site or elsewhere including print publications, and this column, its author, and the website (multiracialmedia.com) and their individual and/or collective employees, representatives, agents, principals, members, successors and/or assigns reserve the right to edit letters for length and clarity. There is no guarantee that any submission or question will be responded to.

Ask Lisa: Advice for the Multiracial Community #1 if you want to check out other voices of the Multiracial Community click here Multiracial Media

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