#Dating and Relationships

[audrinawf]

A man telling you you’re hot is not a compliment. A compliment is him wanting to marry you, take care of you and respect you.

[the-monologues]

Men being completely and irrevocably smitten with their women >>>>>>>

[femmefatalevibe]

How do you get over someone you haven’t dated?

I’ve found the most productive way to get over someone you’ve never dated is to turn the experience into a self-discovery exercise. Take out a pen and paper or open up a fresh Word document on your computer to journal about the following:

What qualities initially drew you to this person? What about your interactions or observations in their presence made them alluring? 

How do this person’s character, mannerisms, and actions align with the traits you’re looking for in a partner/relationship? Did you uncover new attributes that you never knew you were looking for before when interacting with this person? Write these down and add them to your dating criteria. Refine and elevate your standards. 

Reflect on why you didn’t end up dating – was it a logistical inconvenience, incompatibility in your lifestyle, perspectives, interests, or personalities? Understanding why it didn’t work out can help you better identify your deal breakers and help you mind-map interactions or plan dates/conversation starters in the future. 

Indulge in the fantasy fully in a productive way. Use this practice to satisfy yourself emotionally and enable self-growth from the experience. 

Hope this helps xx 

[coye]

I don’t care if a man chooses to date within his career or tax bracket. I’m just saying that a woman dating down isn’t the same as a man dating down. When a man dates down, he benefits from the woman providing him with children, domestic labor, comfort, support, and companionship. But when a woman dates down, the man brings domestic violence abuse, laziness, brokenness, trash sex, and controlling behavior into the relationship.

A broke woman doesn’t hurt a man’s finances in the same way a broke man does to a woman. The dynamics are completely different. Men dating down can still maintain their status while benefiting from what a woman offers. Meanwhile, women who date down find themselves in situations that can be damaging and detrimental to their well being. Stop pretending that dating down is the same for both genders. The consequences is vastly different, and women bear the brunt of these imbalances.

[liskantope]

In the midst of this discussion, I have to paraphrase a bit but the following was actually expressed:

Both (straight) women and (straight) men have a problem with insisting on impossible standards in the dating market. So many women nowadays want a man who is six-foot-something, in finance making six figures, not overweight, etc., and they don't realize that it's a very small percentage of men who satisfy all of those criteria. And men make this mistake too: they want a woman who is not on the left, not taking some kind of antidepressent, not overweight...

I know it could be viewed as just a silly flippant comment by an early-20's conservative cultural commentator, but I... don't even know how to feel about our current times where it's even halfway credible to suggest the analog of "over six feet, six figures" (as an unreasonable standard) is "not on the left, not on antidepressents". That's just weird in multiple different ways, yet has enough of a vague ring of plausibility about it that someone might actually say this.

A day or two after I saw part of the above-linked podcast episode, Aella published a post which opens by mentioning a study result saying that women (in 2006!) equally value a man being 6' instead of 5'6'' and a man making an additional $175k a year. I had to double-check to make sure I wasn't misreading that salary increase figure by an order of magnitude. (The study also shows that being 5'11.5' instead of 5'8'' -- my height on a good day -- is equivalent to $138k difference in income.)

I know I'm probably just fixating on particularly dumb comments/data, but the dating world continues to look depressing, folks. Well, at least as long as it continues to be predominantly online.

[doctor-of-war-and-heartache]

Hey all! I need some advice from fellow polyamorous folks.

Here's the situation (tdlr at the bottom): my partner and I are both poly but in different ways. I find myself desiring relationships with others where my partner is also involved, like a throuple. My partner desires relationships with others where I am not involved at all.

We've tried dating other people as well as each other but separate (my partners way) and it was extremely detrimental to my mental health. So I decided that I was going to only date my partner and not even look for or entertain anything or anyone else, but my partner was still going to date others.

This hasn't been working for me either. I find myself getting jealous and bitter about these other people, two emotions that I do not want to be having in the slightest. I have voiced these opinions to my partner and we're going to talk more about it but I wanted to see if anyone had any advice for me for this conversation.

Tdlr: I know that theyre my person and i want to stay with them but i also want my partner to be able to love others the way that they do but am having negative emotions about it. Does anyone have any advice for other ideas for compromise or how else we can approach this in order to get what we both desire out of our other relationships?

Even if you don't have anything, could you consider reblogging so that it gets to the right audience? Thank you!!!

[audrinawf]

there’s just something so liberating about being bland and boring, for years I always thought that was a bad thing but I love being boring. I love the fact that I don’t drink alcohol or that my humor isn’t sarcastic or self deprecating. I’m a calm person. My pace is slow and steady. I love eating my salads and drinking my juices in a boring way. I love staying home and reading boring ass books in my free time. I love it.

[the-monologues]

Letting someone go, even when you love them deeply, passionately, unexpectedly...because you know you are not ready to healthily commit cause of your trauma, makes you worthy of an applause.

Knowing that you saved someone from the abuse and scars which you are trying to heal from right now, shows how much you love them.

Not knowing if by the time you heal and are ready for them, whether they will still wish for you...and accepting that fact yet deciding to let them go...you deserve an applause for that.

[femmefatalevibe]

I’m 24 and never been in a relationship, just one situationship, don’t sleep around or date a whole lot...people say a lot that I’m “sheltered” or don’t get it when they talk about their relationship problems which may be true but also understand what’s going on and wouldn’t put up with the things they’re going through in the relationship (cheating, mistreatment,etc) and how it’s hard for them to leave...to me, I would rather he sheltered then put through all that? But also do have some insecurity about never having a bf and just dating in general because it scares me to be honest (growing up with narcissistic dad, my parents relationship wasn’t great) but it does bother me that they say that about me, should it?

Hi love!

I'm sorry that social pressures and life scripts are causing you anxiety. Personally, I believe dating and relationships are completely optional––it should be something you want to participate in, it's not a requirement. Anyone who's that invested in your dating life needs to get there themselves or break off their unfulfilling relationship to stop projecting, honestly. Their opinion of your personal life is not your problem.

So, the most important question here is: Do you feel pressure to date despite having no desire for a partner or sexual intimacy, or is it fear from traumatic formative relationships that'scausing you to avoid dating/relationships?

If it's the former, keep living your life and pursue your other interests & goals. Letting social pressure dictate big life decisions is a fast-track way to become resentful and regretful in the not-so-distant future.

For the latter, see if your friends would be open to setting you up on low-key dates (coffee, walking around a museum, mini golf, park date, etc.) with friends of friends who they think could be someone you vibe with. If there's no chemistry, you might've made a new friend. If there's chemistry, see how it goes, and don't rigidly define/overthink every step of the journey.

Hope this helps xx

[teathattast]

Guy. Girl. Whatever. You know the vibes. Know your worth and stop settling for mediocre people 💯

[liskantope]

Related to what you mention about height preferences in dating, do you think this might popularize, like, human growth hormone as a standard treatment for boys, or is that too "out there"? (I thought of this partly as a spear counterpart to an article I saw about "Is Teenage Plastic Surgery Feminist?")

Hmm I don't know why, but this never really occurred to me, but now it seems pretty obvious that this is something boys might start considering (not saying this would be a good thing, though). In fact, you'd think this would be a major topic in incel spaces as well -- I am not very knowledgeable about them but one thing I have heard described as a major part of incel culture is the popularity of facial plastic surgery (there's some popular "difference between us and a Chad is two millimeters of bone" quote), and, as horrified as I am at the idea of younger boys still going through purity hanging out in those forums, I would expect that if there are any, there should be some kind of discourse on hormone therapy to make them grow taller. You don't need to embark on some deep (pseudo)scientific analysis (as one does to research all the incel facial structure stuff) to find out that a little extra height confers a serious advantage in dating women -- you only need to listen to women talk about dating preferences for ten minutes or look through a few dozen straight women's dating profiles to get the idea.

(I continue to be slightly amazed at how fundamental an aspect of female heterosexual attraction the whole "partner must be taller than me" thing is, with no real analog in male heterosexual attraction, but regardless it's incontrovertibly a part of the equation.)

[coye]

A man said this on tiktok "The reality is both looks and personality matter for men. Looks alone is not enough for a lasting relationship. Personality alone is not enough to start a relationship" and it's now stuck in my head forever. I agree with this because he’s right, looks do matter to guys when it comes to initiating a relationship. If a man doesn't find a woman physically attractive, then her personality alone isn't going to be enough to get him interested in the first place. Attraction is a key component for a guy to even want to pursue a relationship.

However, looks alone are not enough to sustain a strong, lasting relationship. Even if a guy is initially drawn to a woman because of her physical appearance, if she doesn't also have a compatible personality and the two can't connect on a deeper level, the relationship is unlikely to last. The real balance is that a guy needs to find a woman physically attractive to want to get into a relationship with her. But once they're in that relationship, her personality becomes equally, if not more, important in keeping that connection strong over time. Looks may get his attention, but a good personality is what's going to keep it.

So in summary, he’s absolutely right: looks matter for getting a man interested, but personality matters too for maintaining a healthy, long term relationship. The ideal is finding someone you're physically attracted to who also clicks with you on a personal level.

[247liveculture]

Denzel & Pauletta 🖤

[femme-dor]

“My standards are physically attractive Muscle bound fit men who stay that way & never gain weight ever.”

“If he wants me to have his kids he better be able pay for everything I want for the rest of my life as I’m never working again!!”

“What is it with men wanting to be desired?? They in their soft-girl era FR.”

“If he extends basic human manners to other women, he’s definitely gonna cheat!”

“I have a roster of dates. I have them all entertain me & and narrow them down to the top 3 like a competition show.”

“How is a hot girl like me still single?? lmao it must be the men these days💅🏾✨”

[audrinawf]

wedding season