#My anxiety is waaaaay up now lol

[memoirsofasim]

Meanwhile, outside... 👀😱

[nananarc]

Gonna disclose my income as a freelance artist because I feel like it might give some perspective. And mostly bc I'm feeling a bit burnout and I want pity points ok? Lol.

Context 1: For sake of simplicity, all figures are net income (minused all fees, charges, insurance, benefits, etc)

Context 2: I live in a big city in Việt Nam and the cost of living is relatively low. A salary of 1000$/month is considered really good for someone living alone with one pet, no family or children, no debt or other liabilities. Entry level jobs usually start at around 200-300$/month.

.

Let's start in 2021 because that's when it can be considered when I started doing art professionally.

In 2021 and 2022, I was juggling between art school, a part-time online side gig, building social media for my art, and of course try to get commissions. But coms were few and far between, mainly because I didn't have an online present before and I only hang in relatively small fandoms. So all I earn through side gig and art were only some change, in total avarage to about 40$/ month. Some months made up for no income months.

In 2023, things starts to be a bit better as I get more confident in my skill, but coms are still few and far between and months with no income is still common. Side gig was few and far between too and pay less. Overall I'd say it goes up to about 80$/month.

This year 2024, art school is done, I can finally do art full time. But I was severely burnout because all the accumulated stress since waaaaay before catch up with me and i couldn't cope anymore. I have to spend a lot of time resting instead. Fortunately, I received a decent amount of coms each month, and the new patreon surprisingly got a few supporters (I fully realistically expected it to sit at 0 for at least a year). Overall, I have an 8 hours 4 days work week: 4 hours a day on com and managing social media and other stuff that actually makes money; 4 hours a day on my own projects and personal indulgence that doesn't directly make money. As of now, my income is about 180$/month.

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You are probably wondering how the fuck do one live like this in this economy.

It's because my family is middle class and can afford a freeloader like me in their house, receive their pocket money and tuition fee. I'm privileged.

But of course my family isn't rich and if just one catastrophic event happens to us, we'd be in bad shit. I'm constantly in anxiety of money, work, and the future. It doesn't help that I'm late 20s and many people around keep reminding of how I'm not making money yet still leeching off parents. It doesn't help that, for years all i hear about art is it will just lead to failure and no money.

.

But still, I am thankful of my family for letting me stay here. And all my friends and supporters for giving me money oc lol, but more importantly, believing in me more than I ever do in myself. I read all of your little tags, your keysmash and compliments, and I keep them all dear to my heart, and I went back to them everytime I need motivation. I can't see where my future as an artist will be, but I cling to your support and love as the will to keep going. Thank you all so, so fucking much. I'd have been literally dead in a ditch somewhere without you guys.

Anyway, idk, I've always been adamant about wage transparency (especially in a corporate setting) but I rarely see this in freelance artists. except to flex, to promote the hustle culture, or to sell some courses they made. Most of us don't want/can't subscribe to the grind and have nothing to flex either. All we have is this shit economy. I'd wish we could have been more open about this and many of us wouldn't have to feel so lonely and despair all the time.

[six-of-ravens]

daily update:

for some reason since last night my brain has decided to get Big Mad about something that happened like 6 months ago. just basically trying to Constantly Distract Myself lol. Idk why my brain is this fucked up but I blame it on the weather, the wild swings between sunny and warm spring weather and dark cold winter are brutal on the mental health lol.

also i haven't left the apartment since Monday (except a quick trip down to the mailbox today) so that might be why my brain is acting up. my anxiety gets real bad if I don't leave the house for more than 1 day in a row (lockdown was a FUN time in this brain) and I think for lack of anything real to be anxious about my brain is just going "hey remember that asshole from July? let's be mad at him again!!"

on the plus side, was actually able to be productive at work today! the past 2 days were just a lot of spinning my wheels while the PM for this project works herself into a tizzy, because I don't know what I need to do (if anything) and I can't handle her ranting anymore. Apparently the boss is getting pretty tired of her too tho so I think he had A Talk with her about not skype-spamming with her whole thought process. Also, she always intersperses her updates with "I have other things to work on too!" type comments which are driving everyone insane bc like yeah, we all do too! so just fkn get this last list of revisions sent over so we can finish this!!

so yeah, work is a...joy. right now. at least we got to work from home today too lol, we got waaaaay more snow than they predicted.

i did take a 3 hour nap after work today tho (necessary, bc last night I was up until 2am and my brain would not get off this spiral) and had those good good adventure-quest dreams, so.

oh also I finally checked the mail and my laika pin from pangur-and-grim arrived!! she is baby 🥺 she lives on the pin jacket now:

anyway, plan for tonight is to try and decompress by listening to music and maybe writing. i also *still* haven't really started Fellowship bc I just haven't been in the brainspace for it (though maybe I should try...having to intensely focus on a book with very small print might be what my brain needs)

also, going from reading children's books with like 18pt font to a dense fantasy novel with like 8pt font is quite the change. highly intimidating!

I have made progress on ToTK and FFIII though, in totk I beat Master Kogha and then finally got my purah pad upgraded with the sensor, travel medallions, etc etc. I can't believe i missed all of this stuff at the beginning of the game lol. in FFIII I'm back at the Nepto Temple, which is one of my least favourite levels due to having to use Mini which makes your weapons useless. Ah well, the quests after this are interesting at least.

oh and finally, I got some sprouts in my garden! I'm kind of amazed at how much stuff has already sprouted, most notably the lettuce (but also a half-dozen other random things):

[forsakenmissives]

I know nothing about football but I'd still like to hear about the au :3

see bc i complain and then i don't even know where to start LOL

ok so ig i'll start with the title From the Sidelines and a little description i have, to pique interest heh

Arthur is Camelot FC's star striker and captain. Merlin is the kitman. Life is hardly ever fair.

anyway . i suppose that's. a little misleading. that being said i think this grew into something waaaaay larger than i originally planned @.@ like it was supposed to be a fun little addition to the surprisingly small amt of footballer arthur fics we have but now this fic has double daddy issues (balinor my beloved...), coming out, sports injuries, shitty coaches (aredick die by my sword) and never making the national team. HUH??? i just wanted merthur to fuck on the pitch... (joke) (just in time for fuck him on the field friday)

also there's side stories. like one is when the players get handcuffed tgt for 24hrs but they've got an uneven amt for it and merlin gets roped in

and then there's the valentine's day arwen special that i somehow accidentally made into a statement about arthur's attitude toward his sexuality?? and feelings for merlin??? through his anxiety about his date with gwen????

“All good?” Merlin asks. “Never better,” Arthur replies, then pivots and walks directly into his closet. He stares at his barren shoe rack before he feels hands on his shoulders, and Merlin is turning him around and guiding him back out. “Wrong way,” he hears him say. “Right.” This time, Arthur marches out his room then down the hall to the front door. “I’ll be back.”

i'm allowed to give this info bc i don't know if i'll ever actually post the extras. i dont' even know when i'm gonna finish the main story sjkdfhgjkf

oh yeah another side story takes place in 2007 (that might be the title for it idk) and it's about uther buying camelot fc for arthur's tenth birthday LOL dont question the legaltiy of arthur playing for his father's club. i dont know and i dont care. this is fiction SIMILARLY dont say shit abt arthur being a striker and captain. it's happened before. it's literally fine. dont even worry about it

there's like. ik i rly only talked about the side stories but u have to realize just how much has already gone into this fic and i wouldn't even say i'm halfway done. i don't think i've written out a single match which is also funny bc i've been keeping up with the prem and actually think i can do it now. i just keep dragging my feet abt it lol

i think the hardest part for me is when im gonna have to seriously injure arthur. i didnt want to but i think it's an important way for his and merlin's relationship to progress and also would explain merlin's attitude toward him in january. its less abt injuring him and more abt him having to sit out of games not for like. lineup stats/compatibility reasons

oh my god typing this all out made me realize we haven't met like. half of the guys on the team yet. i was sitting here like "i need to rewatch eps with all the knights bc i dont trust myself to write percy and elyan accurately" but now i just realized i dont even know if mordred is on the like. squad yet or if he's still with the u18s (after a brief check with my info page he is. i'm gonna be sick)

like i said there is a LOT of info on this . sorry this was so long i just needed to ramble a bit and it also made me realize some info i still need to include so yayyy :3 thank you nonny if u have anything u wanna know in specific like fr anything PLEASE ask. i'd love it so much if u asked. u saved my life <3

[alltimefail-sims]

Do any of the sv gang drink & party? I want 2 take erwin to a party

Hmmmm I had never thought about this before honestly! This has been sitting in my drafts long enough (like a week, sorry about that 🤦‍♀️) so I'm gonna take a crack at answering this which will likely turn out waaaaay longer than it needs to be. Sorry in advance lol.

I can't imagine any of my Strangerville OCs partying now that they're all a little older and partying isn't a novelty any more. Like I will say that Anwar grew up in a pretty strict household, so he went through a fairly intense party and clubbing phase in his early 20s. Erwin hates parties in all forms, he always has, but he likes the free booze so he will suffer if he's desperate enough. That being said, If Erwin really likes someone, he would honestly endure any kind of discomfort to make them happy/be by their side... so if he was into you, he'd be your party date if you asked all sweet-like lmao ❤. It wouldn't take much because he is soft for those he loves.

Zoe is in a sorority so she has been to a handful of college parties, but they are all pretty tame usually; she would leave if things got too wild because she's just not into that kind of scene. Her mom also threw lots of "social events" in their home growing up for coworkers and professionals, but those were very different kinds of parties obviously lmao. Junia doesn't drink much because on one hand she's really health conscientious and on another hand it triggers her anxiety to feel inebriated/out of control of her own body (she likes to be constantly alert, so she'd be more likely to be the group's designated driver).

Tashia drinks every now and again on special occassions or with nice meals, but never has been much of a partier. She can't go to a bar or club without judging the drinks harshly due to her being a bar owner herself who has very high standards. It's a quality some people in her life have found annoying but I think it's actually really cute (she is the "they asked for no pickles" one in the relationship). Beckett hasn't been to a party since high school and is pretty indifferent to them. He'd much rather drink at home while watching a movie or tv show, but that's just because he's become kind of a recluse in his adulthood. He's actually very charming and a great party date.

If they *did* go out, however, their drinks of choice would probably be:

Zoe: Wine (preferably red)

Erwin: "Whatever's strongest."

Junia: Beer

Tashia: Some kind of cocktail (hurricane, tequila sunrise, an old fashion... it depends on her mood).

Beckett: Rum and Coca-Cola

Anwar: Whiskey (on the rocks)

[veronicaleighauthor]

Fun Facts About “No Place Like Home”

In my previous post, I announced my latest publication, “No Place Like Home,” in Sherlock Holmes Mystery Magazine. If you’re interested in reading my story, head over to Amazon and order yourself a copy. Right now, it’s only available in print, but a Kindle version should be released soon. Now onto the fun facts/behind the scenes stuff of my story.

The title, “No Place Like Home” is kind of a nod to my love for the movie, “The Wizard of Oz.” I’m sure you recall Dorothy Gale clicking her ruby slippers together three times and saying, “There’s no place like home.” The scene has been referenced and spoofed in various TV shows, movies, and songs. It’s also the final line in the 1822 song, “Home, Sweet, Home!” Ironically, “Home, Sweet, Home” was my story’s original title before I settled on what it is now.

I wrote “No Place Like Home” waaaaay back in 2015/2016. It was the second mystery/crime story I ever wrote. I didn’t really know what I was doing, but everyone who read it liked it. It was accepted by SHMM in 2017 on the understanding it would be a while before it appeared in print. Six years later, it has finally been published. I’m telling you patience pays off.

When it was accepted SHMM, I took it as a sign that I finally found my writing niche and continued writing mystery/crime stories. God only knows what I would have written if “No Place Like Home” never found a home.

Since I wrote it in 2015/2016, and it was accepted in 2017, I didn’t look at it again until the editor of SHMM, Carla Coupe, sent me the edits in 2022. Now, I remembered the story, the characters, and the outcome, etc. But as I went through it, I was thinking “oh, that’s the dialog!” “oh, that’s how I described such and such?” “oh my gosh, how did this ever get accepted for publication?!?!” Thank you, SHMM for giving me and this story a chance!

This was the first time I wrote a contemporary mystery. I usually set my mysteries and crime fiction in a historical era.

The story is set in Seelyville, Indiana. It’s a real town, east of my hometown Terre Haute, in Vigo County, and consists of like a thousand people. I’ve been there a few times.

Not to drop too many spoilers, but the main characters’ struggles with depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia. This character’s struggles were inspired by my own. Now this character’s reason for these struggles is different than mine. But what they feel during an anxiety attack, the little habits, the tics, the feelings – they are what I experience whenever I’m thrown into an anxiety attack.

The main character lives in a two-story Sears Roebuck house, which was built in 1913. The house is based on the house I live in. Back in the early 20th century, wealthy families could order house plans from a Sears Roebuck catalogue, as well as materials, and build a house according to their tastes. When my family and I moved in, we had no idea about the house’s history. A year later, two little old ladies showed up on our doorstep saying they were the granddaughters of the original owner, and they asked if they could come in and see their grandmother’s old house. This was approximately 1999, so we totally let them in (we wouldn’t do that now, lol!) and gave them a tour, and they told us all sorts of facts and the Sear Roebuck house history, what changed since they were last in the house. For this story, I did add a balcony to the house…for creative reasons.

This isn’t just a mystery/crime story…this is a gothic mystery/crime story. So, naturally, I had to have “To Kill A Mockingbird,” by Harper Lee and Boo Radley referenced.

I originally had plans to write a sequel to “No Place Like Home,” but since it’s been six or seven years since I wrote the original, a sequel probably will never happen.

I have someone named Tabitha in this story. Ironically, the Regency Era novel I began back in August also has a character named Tabitha. I really like the name.

I just want to say how happy I am for “No Place Like Home” to be published. I can’t explain why, but after waiting for so long to see it in print, I feel like in a way I’ve come full circle.

Well…until next time!

[sarah-crewe]

bc i am waaaaay too lazy to go through all 100 of those questions and the questions you asked me were all so funnnnn: two, six, fourteen but you don't have to answer, twenty-one, twenty-four, twenty-nine but only if you have a specific answer, forty-one, forty-two, fifty, fifty-five, sixty-one, seventy-five, seventy-six again if you want, eighty-eight, ninety, ninety-seven, ninety-nine, one hundred :D

welp. i typed a lot of these questions and then it deleted them, so i’m going to have a quick cry face down in a marsh and then i’ll brb

okay, now that that's taken care of, let me try again: hilarious and inspired choice, i will absolutely answer those, but like, under the napkin (aka the cut because i talk a lot)

2. What kind of emotions do the stars evoke for you, if any? The ocean, the sky, the moon? i think i might underappreciate the ocean a little too much. maybe because i basically grew up right by the seaside and have the most experience with like the coast and all that. i love the ocean though, especially the fully-clothed, chilling with a book and a stiff sea breeze type of ocean (absolutely hate the beach for summer beach things). all four make me feel very peaceful and thoughtful and grateful and small, but not in a bad way. i do have glow-in-the-dark stars in the shape of constellations (did i send you my star tour, bud?) on my bedroom ceiling...

6. If you have siblings, are you similar to them, and in what ways?  it's kind of funny because i used to think that my sister and i were very different, but as we've gotten older, i'm not so sure anymore. in many ways we still are very different, but especially as kids we both kind of marked our territory out once we were old enough. i was always academic and introverted and nerdy and she was always athletic and extroverted and not really into fandom stuff. she took team sports and i took individual artistic sports. i stole art from her (consciously! intentionally!) and did music and theatre. she took trends and teenage drinking (not a dig, lol) and lots and lots of friends. we're still pretty different: i'm still really academic and introverted and kind of a maximalist (hoarder), she's still very into aesthetics and extroverted, and is SO in neutrals and natural colors. but we've eased the boundaries a lot. we both love soccer and have a pretty wide overlap in our music taste. she is a photographer and we both love kids (especially HER kid). i think we value in a similar way and we're both NOT ones to get like... publically emotional without REAL reason... idk, we're not as different as we thought we were

14. What are you worried about right now, if anything? i'm always reminded of the penguin comic when i talk about the two of us and worrying. when am i ever NOT worried about something?? but honestly, between maturing a bit over the last ~half decade, and been on a decent dose of SSRIs for anxiety that i caught from the pandemmy, i'm at least BETTER about working around, through, and over my anxiety. that said i'm still worried, and specifically i'm worrying about the fact that i have to wake up a little bit early tomorrow and afraid that i'm going to oversleep 

21. What's the luckiest you've ever been? this was NOT how i was thinking of this question when i sent it to you, but maybe the one time in college when i was going to buy a coffee on a rainy morning before my (predawn) 6:30 am shift at the daycare and, while i was crossing the street i felt a huge truck pass literally INCHES behind me 🙃🫠 like what do you do with yourself at that point? i just bought my coffee and went to work with a haunted look in my eyes lol

24. Does your name suit you? Do you think you "look" like your name? idk, i actually asked you this question because i wasn't sure. i like my name a lot. i think sarah is a lovely name and has a good meaning and story and lots (LOTS) of other sarahs that are great to take inspo from. sadie is a good nickname. i guess maybe i don't feel super connected to it because there are just so many other Sarahs? i wouldn't change it but it's hard to say that something suits me if there are 15 other people named Sarah in the room and we're all totally different, you know? i do love my middle name (mari) and think it suits me. it has family history and i share it with my mom

29. How do you want your body to be treated after your death? i have been an organ donor since i got my license (and actually STRONGLY believe that we should be opt out about organ donation, not opt in!!). outside of that, i'm less sure. i am so not into embalming and traditional burial. i have no interest in that at all. i guess i lean towards cremation or maybe one of the much more natural burials? i'm looking for something low fuss, low chemical, i guess haha

41. Do you find it easy to ask for help? not in the slightest. well, to be most specific (do you expect anything less) the more i trust a person, the more willing i am to ask for help, or the more "practical" the problem, like if something physically is wrong with my car, I'll ask one of my dads or a professional. i do have a gay audacity problem (i think i can handle all crafts, regardless of my actual experience) and i have no emotional problems to ask for help about >.>

42. Does affection come easily to you? affection DOES come easily to me, especially for anyone i kind of click with, then it's compliment city, and then compliment super city if i get positive responses back (and i will mean every one). physical intimacy is less. i *do* want it from specific people, but i'm not great about making that known or pursuing it. 

50. What qualities do you find charming? i'm such a sucker for some good wit and someone who can just make me laugh, especially by being smart and insightful. i love talking to people who are interesting, by which i mean have interests that they're passionate about. kindness is very charming too. and i always love me a dweeb and a try-hard. 

55. What reminds you of your childhood? oversized sweatshirts and sunglasses over shorts, sunbleached braids, jumping in the lake, all eleven and a half hours on my nostalgia playlist, homemade dresses, fish chowder, reading in bed late at night, playing in the woods, skating and sledding at my aunt's house, hikes, wild strawberries

61. Are you a romantic person? Why? oh desperately romantic. i read too many books as a child and have never been able to correct the notion that the world should be a beautiful, kind, and just place.

75. What is your favourite fairytale? it's always Cinderella, at the end of the day. i have a book of Grimm fairytales i've read cover-to-cover and i love so many of them, but nothing ever gets me like someone who chooses kindness and strength of character and doing just one thing more, even when things are desperate and awful 

76. What do you label yourself as, if anything? What subcultures do you identify with, if any? i'm a lesbian. i feel very secure in my gender, and do like the label of women, which i know isn't always true for a lot of my friends and peers. i'm thisclose to feeling comfortable calling myself Jewish but i'm certainly jew-ish by now. i love being a Mainer. i love being a librarian and a nerd and a bookworm. i love being just a LITTLE bit of a daredevil (a sport isn't a sport until you bled for it ;})

88. What's an unusual but useful trait or talent you have? idk if it's unusual, but i am very good at finding things online. it's scary how much information is out there and i know a LOT of things i didn't mean to find out, but even more that I do! and i like being able to just you know. find it.

90. What surname would you choose for yourself? i don't know exactly WHAT it would be, but i feel like i have two of the three components of the perfect last name and i'm just missing that last one. my last name is intuitive to say/spell ✅ , relatively rare ✅ , but a supremely inelegant collection of sounds 🙅🏼‍♀️

97. What is a trivial hill that you are willing to die on? god, i have taurus disease where, if you get me started, i'm ready to die on almost any hill. i'm relatively chill, but One Wrong Move and i get very "i hope you die, i hope we both die". i too asked people close to me what they thought, and basically got the exact same answer back. i'd die on an anthill but none of us know what anthill...

99. Do you enjoy "slice of life" media? ugh YES it is my FAVORITE

100. What do you want an answer to? when? 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #459

“i wanted you to know that i love the way you laugh  /  i wanna hold you high and steal your pain away”

Does the person you like have any flaws? He's never seemed very expressive of what he feels. Has anyone ever given you a ring? Why? Yes. Because it was our anniversary and he wanted to, ig. If you ruled your own country, what type of government would it have? I'm not educated enough to answer this. Creation theory, Evolution or the Big Bang theory? I really don't know what I believe about the origins of the universe, but I do believe in evolution. Describe one of your most emotional farewells. The last time I saw Jason and we talked for a long time, and I finally got my closure. It was all so heavy. It started so stiffly, but it ended with us just chatting and smiling and, to my absolute shock, a hug from him. I'm getting emotional so NEXT QUESTION. What was your last serious conversation about? I was reassuring and comforting Sara about some stuff. Is there a city that you have a particular fondness for? If so, what city is it and why? No. Are there any gnomes in your yard? No. When was the last time you were stung by a bee? What kind was it? Years ago. A bumblebee. Are you gonna buy lottery tickets when you’re old enough? I am old enough, and no. The odds are way, way too small, and I don't really dabble in addictive behavior. Have you ever been into a real cave? No. :( That's a life goal, though. Have you ever posted mean comments on YouTube? I know I did once as a kid. It was regarding Meerkat Manor and I thought it was really disrespectful to Flower just because of the music chosen lmao. The drama. What color is your digital camera, if you have one? Black. If you had to spend one day in any movie storyline, which one would it be? Alice in Wonderland, I suppose? Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game): Oh man, I've played waaaaay too many video games. I suppose Silent Hill with how confused it left me at first. Its concept is definitely wild. Parasite Eve is high on the list, too. In your opinion, what is the saddest movie you’ve ever seen? Boy in the Striped Pajamas destroys me. What is the best song to make out to? I could answer this but I'm not gonna lmfao Is there anyone right now that you are simply/overly infatuated with? story of my life ayyyyeeeee Who was the last person to play with your hair? Are they cute? Not a clue. Who was the last person close to you that died? Did you cry? Jason's mom. I sobbed on-and-off for days. Do you consider yourself a healthy person? Physically and mentally? No, in either way. Do you know anyone who owns a boat? My dad does. I'm sure others, too, with how popular fishing out on a boat is here. Do you know anyone who uses medical marijuana? I don't know. Even for medicinal purposes, it's not legal here. Do you know anyone who’s died in childbirth? No. What did you do for your 21st birthday? I was in the psych hospital, so... lmao. Therapy, reading, and coloring. Lots of reading and coloring. Because they did NOT fill your schedule enough there. We only had two group therapy sessions a day, and the rest was just... blankness. If dinosaurs could be tamed, would you want one as a pet? I know I'd be one of the dumb ones that absolutely wanted a tiny raptor, lol. Do you own more than one copy or edition of a book? No. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? Not interested. Do you eat soup when you’re sick? I don't like soup. If you read, which book or series did you enjoy most as a child? My first real series that I read religiously was Hank the Cowdog. Then it was Warriors. Do you buy Halloween candy when it’s on sale after the holiday? No. I really don't need candy available to me. Do you agree with the “they’re just being kids” excuse? It depends on what they're doing. In a lot of cases, no. Do you ever watch talk shows? No. Do you have a/any hero(s)? Mark Fischbach, Steve Irwin, my mom... Have you told your parents all of your secrets from when you were a teen? No. Though Mom has playfully once told me that she knows a lot of things I don't think she does, and that's terrifying lmao. You’re getting married. Who’s your maid of honor and best man? M.o.H.: Mom or Sara. Best man isn't my choice. Would you rather get highlights or dye your whole head? DYE IT ALLLLLLL. Are you wearing anything of any sentimental value? Describe? My friendship ring w/ Sara. It has a heart carved on the outside and "bitch" engraved inside so no one can see when you have it on, lol. She has one that says "jerk." It's a Supernatural reference. Who challenges you the most? In what way? My therapist and psychiatrist. They just help ensure I pursue my goals and give me little nudges forward to reassure me. Who seems to hold you back? In what way? PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT ME. I listen to my anxiety WAY too much. What was the last opportunity that you passed up, and why? Going up to Lake Gaston w/ Mom to visit Ash and her fam. They go there all the time, and it's a real nice place. I just didn't want to go because of the heat. Should there be an application process for having children? Hunny, that would not stop people from fuckin lmfao Name one thing that you think defines you as a person? m e e r k a t s What is a fear you have about living on your own? That depression would get the better of me and I'd neglect taking good care of my house. One of the many reasons I'll never live alone. Not at all saying I'd leave the responsibilities to my partner, but they'd be motivation for me to get stuff done. What’s the worst name your mom has ever called you? I don't know. Nothing that bad. What’s your stance on spooning? It helps me feel safe and loved and alsdkfjalwe I just love cuddling in all sorts lmao What’s your most recent obsession? Violet Orlandi & Melodicka Bros' cover of "Somebody That I Used to Know." Have you ever been scammed? Ha ha, yes. I once wanted to get Jason a Joker and Harley Quinn pillow from deviantART; talked to the artist, paid 'em, never got it. :^) Have you ever fostered an animal? No. I would get WAY too attached to foster. I wouldn't be able to give them up without breaking down, probs. Do you know anyone who acts way younger than what they are? I'm sure I do, but no one is coming to mind atm. Would you say you’re a pretty independent person? God no. Does the last song you listened to, remind you of someone? JASON. Do you currently want a new computer? Yes, actually. I want a desktop PC for better gaming quality, honestly. Also, the "escape" key doesn't work on this laptop, one key is missing so I have to hit the sensor JUST right, and it restarts randomly sometimes. I want a PC mainly because I want to get out of the habit of being on my laptop in bed all damn day. How would your parents react if you got a tattoo? I already have like six or seven, so they wouldn't be surprised. Is there anyone you can picture yourself being with forever right now? Maybe. Who is your truest friend? Sara. What is the strangest thing you’ve ever seen outside of your house? THIS house? Idk. Nothing that I'd consider odd. What bug frightens you most? STAG BEETLES lkadjslkfja;lwekjawl;kejrlawer Who is your oldest friend? That would be Sam, and he's in his mid-30s. How long have you known them? Many years. We met via WoW, which I've been playing since '14. I don't really remember how far into it we met, though. Where are they right now? lol I wouldn't know, he's all the way in Jersey. Plus we haven't talked in a while. Have you ever dated a friend of one of your siblings? God no, that would be so weird. What is the best gift someone can give you? An ear to listen without it feeling like a chore to them. Have you ever dated someone who had a child? No. I don't think I could do it. What is the last movie that made you cry? The The Lion King remake made me tear up. Have you ever played in a waterfall? No. Ugh, that sounds like a blast. In your life who has meant the most to you? Let's not get into this. What has been your biggest failure in life? Letting depression and my other conditions take away my identity, becoming my new identity. Do you trust yourself? No. I second-guess EVERYTHING and never know what I should listen to: my heart, my head, my gut... or which voice is what. Would you ever consider getting an abortion, under any circumstances? Yes. What was the last bug you killed? Some kind in the bathroom. Idk what it was. Just a little thing that sort of resembled an earwig, but not completely. Do you prefer profile pictures by yourself of with someone else? By myself, since it's my page. Do you know anyone who has written a book? I don't think so? Do you drink milk/juice from the carton if no one is around? Ew, no. I live with another person, and even if I didn't, what if I had guests? Has anyone ever told you they liked you in a realllly sweet way? Maybe? Has a member of the opposite sex ever given you jewlery? Jason has. Do you find sleeping in cars easy? NOOOOOOOOOO. I'm too scared to let my eyes close and not see what's going on on the road. Has a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s parents ever gotten mad at you? Why? I don't believe so, no. What is the funniest thing a child has ever said to you. Definitely something my niece has said, but idr what it was. What’s been on your mind lately? Y'all know, lol. Do you feel like you need to get something off your chest? No. Sara was recently there for that. ♥ How would you react if someone told you they had feelings for you? Be very very excited if it was from a certain person.

[kiefbowl]

I kinda want to try weed for anxiety etc. but I hate smoking, also it’s still illegal here and (singsong) I’m afraid of authority~! Any suggestions? (I really know nothing lol) thanks!😊

I’d say if you’re going to try weed you should try weed with a friend instead of trying to buy weed for yourself. Also try weed by using a bong or pipe, and skip joints/blunts/edibles for now. I suggest glass for your paraphernalia. Sharing 1-2 bowls with another person will probably get you a little high and be manageable. Anything past that might be too intense, because you can get paranoid and you can also get auditory hallucinations, and depending on the strand and strength you might have trouble sleeping if you smoke too much. You will cough when you do it for the first time. I still cough, no shame. I also suggest being someplace safe and in a home/apartment, rather than finding a “safe” place outside, whether it’s your place or a friends. Not that you can’t get away with it outside, but then you have to get yourself home and if you’re high it might really up your paranoid rather than enjoy it. So try to plan some activity like snacking, or a movie, or music listening, or video games, something low effort and distracting. Get yourself comfortable before you start and make sure any to-do chores are done and out of the way. Don’t wait too late in the evening because you might get too sleepy to enjoy it. Also don’t be surprised if you don’t really “get it” at first, it might take awhile to figure out what being high on weed is like. Also, if you don’t like it, that’s totally cool. Lots of people try weed and it either is too intense for them or really doesn’t effect them. Weed does have a spectrum of effects that’s different from person to person. The quality of weed might also effect it, so if it feels like not a big deal after you smoke it, maybe it wasn’t good weed or too old. 

Don’t put too much pressure on the weed to be a miracle drug, because it isn’t!!! lots of people talk like it is and it’s not. You can have a bad high on weed, and it can be habit forming, and you can have withdrawal symptoms after stopping if you’ve been smoking a lot every day for a long time. The thing about weed that’s nice vs. other drugs is that the risks are just waaaaay less, even against alcohol. You’re way less likely to become dependent, you’re way less likely to have your mood altered, you’re way less likely to experience withdrawal, and all in all the experience of people having a bad time with weed are not very extreme or catastrophic. Weed withdrawal is more similar to caffeine or tobacco withdrawal. But weed isn’t great on the lungs, though research leans to being better than tobacco. However, over-all, studies on the long term health effect of weed is lacking compared to a lot of other drugs. So keep that all in mind that if you try weed, take it one experience at a time and keep your expectations manageable. The first time you get pretty high can be pretty uplifting and make you feel like you’re on the moon! But, after some uses, the novelty can wear off :) 

I still like to smoke and watch movies/tv, it makes me feel like I’m watching them in a new way that’s fun, and ben & jerry’s chocolate ice cream is out of this world on weed but for me it doesn’t really help the anxiety as much any more after years of helping. I think my circumstances were much more dire when I picked up weed about 6-7 years ago, so now that my life is more manageable weed is more likely to contribute to my anxiety, but again it’s case by case for each person. Hope some of that is useful! 

[theblogtini]

I this the issue isn't the time the emails were sent. I never worked for a company, but I have patients who message me at midnight or at 4am, and I only reply the next day in business hours (if its not an emergency).

In the other hand, my husband works fora huge company and they send emails/messages at whatever time they want and he HAS to get back to them immediately. Couple of weeks ago, he broke his arm, one of his bosses called on saturday (the day after he went to the hospital),asking him to do some spreadsheets; when he told he wasn't able to do that as fast as he normally can, his boss just said: "I dont care, find someone to help you and get it done". ps: he had a doctors note and he could get a week off. He doesnt get extra hours for this (although he makes a very decent money).

I was super angry... but it's the life he chose.

The thing is, this type of behaviour can lead to anxiety, depression, burnout etc. To some people, employers are just numbers that are there make you profit. I believe most countries have LAWS to protect workers (benefits, limited hours of work per week, paid vacation etc)... Harrasing your workers in fact breaking the law. I really doubt people were only complaining about 5am-emails... I believe it was more about how workers were treated as "slaves" supposed to be avaliable whenever they want and disrespecting basic laws.

(sorry that was waaaaay longer than I imagined lol)

It's not that the emails were SENT at 5am. If I'm working late at night I might be up sending emails to clients or vendors at 11pm, 1am, whatever. And I've had clients email me - or even text me - at 2am when a random thought pops into their head. The problem is the expectation of an immediate response.

I do have 1 client that has "emergencies" from time to time on the weekends or after working hours and it's gotten to the point where I charge her a rush fee if she NEEDS me to do something immediately after hours/on the weekends/etc (or even during regular hours but it has to be RIGHT NOW and I have to stop everything I'm doing and switch to her stuff). And sometimes she'll text me at a random time (8pm when I'm putting the kids to bed is a popular time) and I just ignore her. She knows that's outside of my working hours (and in her line of work the word "emergency' is VERY relative... these are not life or death matters. It's usually things that are INCREDIBLY inconsequential, but she's just a person who is super prone to stressing out about little things, and sometimes I have to just be like "nope - not my monkey, not my circus" and ignore the text lol.

[tellywoodtrash]

immj2 27+28.11.20 lbs

27.11.20

lmao i was gonna get suuuuuuper mad at kabir for being in her room but then he’s like:

“hi.”

....................... and i instantly snorted happily. vishal is realllllllllly just so likable that i just can’t with him anymore. i love when adorable marshmallows like him and shrenu play evil. you just cannot fucking hate them!

blah blah humaara kamra, mera kamra nonsense.

shaadi ka joda gift. with that tackyyyyyyyyyyyyassss KABIR KI RIDDHIMA written on it. main marr jaooon par kabhi bhi aisa kuch na pehnoon, no matter how much i love the guy.

“kuch hi derr mein tum VANSH ki riddhima se, KABIR ki riddhima ho jaogi.” coz even in 2020, women are nothing but chattel to be passed on from one man to another.

riddhima is thinking fat chance, bitch.

telling him she’ll never wear red for him, coz “laal pyaar ka rang hota hai, aur main sirf ek insaan se pyaar karti hoon, aur woh hai vansh.”

“toh yeh bhi vansh ke paise se hi liya hai.” lmaooooooooo

ghani beizzati by saying she’s already bought a joda for herself, a white one. which honestly looks muchhhhhhhhhh nicer than the red one acc. to me but ok.

vansh checking his account balance and seeing that there’s charges for two wholeass designer jodas bought for a shaadi that’s not even gonna happen:

anyway kabir’s like ok who cares, colour doesn’t matter, shaadi toh tumhari honi hai mujhse blah blah.

kabir doesn’t like mandap setup. coz all white. and apparently aryan was in charge of it? coz he’s getting dragged by the collar for it.

good. i don’t feel any sympathy.

ishani is like dekh liya nateeeja iss loserrrrrrrr ki khushaamad karne ka? when has vansh ever treated you like this no matter how mad he’s gotten at you? he always protected you.

behen kyun bhains ke aage been bajaa rahi ho? yeh manhoos baaz nahi aana.

ishani flounced away and aryan’s now vowing revenge against kabir. abbe yaar, tera list toh kabhi khata hi nahi hota.

why the fuck are these ppl soooooooooo dressed up for a wedding they don’t even want to participate in? itna toh main apni genuine shaadi ke liye naa sajjjjjjoon.

suddenly ishani is allllll about bado ka sammaaan and parampara, pratishthaaaaa, anushaasan and all. lmao ok?????

tod di choodi uski kalaayi par. jaisa bhai, waisiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii hi behen.

shaadi mubarak indeed. lol.

riddhima’s calling vihaan and freakingout ki woh paise leke bhaag gaya. you are so fucking stupid sis, why would you give him that much fucking money BEFORE HE EVEN SHOWED THE FUCK UP??????????

“tum thodi weird nahi ho????” bhai obvious sawaal naa pooch.

anyway he’s like calm yo tits, untwist your panties, i’ll get there on time.

kabir instead of fixing his maatam waala mandap is back skulking around vihaan’s container box house. ladki ko shaadi karni bhi nahi hai and she’s sitting there ready from 3 hours before, aur yeh, jissko shaadi ki utaavli chadhi thi, is out doing randomassssss jasoosi, coz that’s the priority rn. sounds legit. 

VIHAAN THE DUMBASS TOOK OFF THE CCTV CAMERA AND PACKED IT. GOD YOU’RE ALLLLLLLLLLL FUCKING AQAL KE DUSHMAN IN THIS SHOW.

kabir sneaking in with gunnnnnnn.

how the fuck am i supposed to take him seriously with these bachchon waale sports shoes?!!?!?!? GIVE THE MAN HIS COMBAT BOOTS BACK SO HELP ME GODDDDDD

he’s peeking in the door and making some threatening statements about oh ho yeh hai tumhara plan, main sab khatammmmm kar doonga and all, but we never see wtf he’s looking at and this show is fulllllllllllll of red herrings, so........ idc.

riddhima putting on previous mangalsutra for this wedding and..... guts toh hai bandi main. badiii dheent hai.

mummy coming and saying blah blah usse utaar do this is your new mangalsutra and lmaoooooooooooooo

this is the tackiest fucking shit i’ve ever seen in my life. what’s with their obsession of putting their name on everything!?!!!?!!? what are you, an eight grader?!?!!?!?

anyway, bored with this ainvayi ki dhamki waala scene, fwding.

blah blah 2 ghante mein kaunsa chamatkaar hona hai and all......... WHY ARE YOU PPL SO DAMN OVERCONFIDENT????

meanwhile kabir is back and now harassing dadi. KISI KO TOH AKELA CHOD DE.  

actually, lmao, i’d love to see him go try this shit on ishani and angre. it would be fucking glooooooooooorious lololololol.

anyway, he wants dadi’s aashirwaad in the form of vansh’s saafa (pagdi/turban). ABBE YAAAAAAAAAAR. USKE UNDERWEAR DRAWER SE JAAKE USKI CHADDI BHI LEKE PEHEN. ITNAAAAAAAAA WANNABE VILLAIN MAINE AAJ TAK NAHI DEKHA. HADHHHHHHH HAI.

chikni chupdi baatein ki i’m just trying to be the son vansh was to this house. if i wear his saafa, it’s like uski aashirwaad aur duaein meri saath hongi.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PICTURE VANSH’S FACE IS LITERALLY LIKE

anyway dadi is like really really fucking hurt by this and my god i wanna fucking murder kabir.

she’s literally telling him to pick anything else, it’s vansh’s nishaani and he’s like aap sab ke paas koi na koi nishaani hai, mere paas apne bhai ki koiiiiiiiii nishaani nahi hai blah blah and oh my god, this is truly the most villainous thing kabir has done, being thisssssss fucking emotionally manipulative. the absolute fuckkkkkkkk.

ugh anyway long story short. baandh diya dadi ne ukso saafa. bloody nonsense.

poor dadi phoot phoot ki ro rahi hai ki she’s losing vansh bit by bit. awwwww man it’s genuinely heartbreaking.

riddhima has witnessed this and is about to fuckkkkkk shit up lolll. 

lmaoooooooooooo dayum.

wtf is your problem, i’m marrying you, why are you torturing the fam like this blah blah. kabir like physical, emotional, moral sabbbbbbbbbbb tarah se tod ke rakh doonga inn sabko and ugh god i just really fucking hate him.

but damn he just looks really good in this sherwani and hair all mussed up.

anyway he’s doing some real messed-up, genocidal dictator kinda talk and phew. is just askinggggggggg to be murdered.

and then lmao he abruptly switched to “bohut khoobsurat lag rahi ho tum; time kya ho raha hai???? ooooooh ek ghanta baaki hai.” and i legittttttt lol’d at the way he delivered it. I HATE VISHAL FOR NOT LETTING ME HATE KABIR IN PEACEEEEEEEEE.

riddhima panic-calling vihaan, wants to go check on him. mummy ne pakad liya, room mein badh kar diya coz K told her to handle riddhima’s bhagodi dulhan ways.

great. riddhima’s having a breakdown.

motivational call from the choti sarrdaarni. she kinda just looks like a tall baby shivangi joshi had with aditi dev sharma????

le, doosre show waale heroine ko bhi pata hai kabir kameena hai, iss show mein 3 episode pehle pata chala issko.

ok is the choti sarrdaarni delusional and having a make-believe phone call with the protagonist of her favt tv show IMMJ, coz she knows waaaaay more details than even the people in this house know about the plot and what went down. she’s talking about how vansh aakhri pal tak ladta raha and riddhima’s like huh, news to me, i just got there in time to see him spout some ghatiya shayari and then throw himself off a cliff.

anyway riddhima seems to have gotten strength from this deranged phone call, so............. good for her, i guess.

———————————————————————

28.11.20

next ep just abruptly started with kabir and mummy in riddhima’s room threatening her and i just.......... dude, whatever. i’m just gonna skim through this ep coz i know it’s just filler shit till literally the last 1 minute. 

OK HE’S MANHANDLING HER AGAIN AND FUCKKKKKKKKKKK

dang helly looked evennnnnnnn younger in the first eps. legit baby face. at least now they’ve aged her up a lil with the makeup and styling.

he’s saying don’t bother waiting, no one is gonna come. OH BOY. VIHAAN ARE YOU OK????? ARE YOU OK??????? ARE YOU OK VIHAAN?!?!?!?!?

cue riddhima’s panic attack.

lmao kabir telling mummy ki iss shaadi mein ab koi speedbreaker nahi hai lol. heavy foreshadowing that ab se everything that can go wrong is definitely gonna go wrong.

suddenly at the speed of light kabir is back at the container home in his sherwani and saafa and holding vihaan at gunpoint????

oh. sapna tha riddhima ka. ouff. this stupid show has tooooo fucking many dream sequences.

someone give this bitch a klonopin coz watching her is making my anxiety shoot up.

mummy comes into room 2 min later and sees riddhima sleeping ghoongattttt and all. SURE. NOT SUS AT ALL THAT A BRIDE DYING OF ANXIETY WOULD TAKE A NAP 30 MIN BEFORE THE CEREMONY IN FULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OUTFIT. TOTALLY A THING THAT HAPPENS.

DUDE SHE PULLED A NURSE WAALI HARKAT AGAIN. LMAOOOOOOOOO. KISKO SULAAAAAKE AAYI HAI TU, AAFAT?!?!?!!?

askdjasldkjlsakdjlaskjdlaskjdlaskjdlkas. ALSO THE FACT THAT MUMMY RECOGNIZED HER FROM HER PRESS ON NAILS. LMAOOOOOOOOOO I CAN’T EVEN WITH THIS SHOW.

LMAO RIDDHIMA YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR

lol mummy has to call and give bad news to kabir. and i am sad we didn’t get to see his volcanic reaction, which no doubt would have been epicccccccccccc.

10 MINUTES TO THE CEREMONY. VR MANSION IS 20 MIN AWAY FROM THE CONTAINER HOUSE (AS STATED BY V BEFORE) AND THIS SIS IS...........

RE DEVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

she finally got in and the whole place is empty. he practically lives in a storage unit, you telling me he went and moved his stuff to a whole different storage unit?????

new freakout within the pre-existing panic attack: kabir ne vihaan ko saaf kar diya ya vihaan paise leke bhaag gaya??

cut to fb: riddhima asking V all earnestly ki tum dhoka toh nahi doge na????

HIS ASS ACTUALLY SAID, LEMME TELL YOU A FACT ABOUT ME: I LOVE MY MOM. I SWEAR ON HER I WON’T BETRAY YOU. 

AND SHE STILL DIDN’T GET THAT HE’S VANSH. MY GODDDDDDDD.

she’s like nope vihaan gave mummy promise so he won’t give dhoka. ah yes, the most sacred and inviolable of promises.

toh bacha alternative ki kabir has vihaan. 4th simultaneous panic attack in a panic attack. someone sedate this bitch.

aaaaaaaaaand kabir has sent a video of a bomb in VR mansion below the mandap. great.

and now he’s calling to say ki get your ass back home or imma scramble these eggheads called the raisinghanias.

lmao the bomb is counting forwards instead of backwards????

mummy saying MY BETA SMAAAAAARTEST. haan, tha..... kisi zamaane mein. ab nihaayati bewakoof ho gaya hai.

lmao kabir accosted a passing by angre and is like you need to be loyal to me as you were to vansh and lol angre’s like saaf saaf shabdon mein, fuckkkkkkk off.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO KABIR WENT TO HURL THE NAARIYAL AT ANGRE’S RETREATING HEAD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MAN HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO HATE HIM HE’S SO FUCKING HILARIOUS

lmao he goes to phodofy naariyal and:

abhi bappa ko huullllllllll de raha hai. overconfidence ki hadh toh dekho.

riddhima is back and hunting for the bomb and kabir comes bouncing the fake bomb around and she’s legit like TUMNE MUJHSE JHOOOOOT BOLA?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!? lol bitch, seriously???? because he’s been the paragon of truth and virtue up until this moment??????

“apna hulia sudhaar ke aao. 5 min mein mrs. kabir banne waali ho. thoda standard toh match karo.” lmaooooo the sasss and disdaaaaaain he said that withhhhhh. boy knows he’s looking damn good today.

anyway blah blah shaadi has started. dadi is sad af. to the point where ishani is looking really concerned. i really love this soft ishani.

“kaash samay ka paiyya ulta ghoom jaaye aur mera vansh wapis aa jaaye mere paas.”

dadi, shoulda asked for world peace instead. just the one wish you had and you wasted it on getting your hellion pota back. 

some more in-room threatening of riddhima by mummy. while riddhima is throwing out last minute prayers to bappa and vihaan ki bas just do something and stop this whole shitshow.

vihaan ka toh pata nahi, the shady fuck, but bappa like:

i gotchu girl.

bhaari bhaari flashback waali walk down the stairs.

HE EVEN SAID THE MAA LINE AS VIHAAN IN THE VANSH VOICE. SHE GOTTA BE SOOOOO FUCKING STUPID MY GODDDDDDD.

ouffffff so much time wasteeeeeeeeeee.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand....................

watch that he was wearing while falling off the cliff? ✅✅✅

wedding ring that was not found on the dead body????? ✅✅✅

“YEH SHAADI NAHI HO SAKTI” booooooooming across the whole damn neighbourhood in the fakest deep voice everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr???? ✅✅✅

———————————————————————

precap:

haan yeh sab toh theek hai.............. 😕😕😕

par asli sexxxxxxxxx waali chemistry idhar hai!!!!!!!! UNFFFFFF. 🤩🤩🤩

[beckydoesthings]

i was tagged by @foreverfanficaddict! :D thanks!

my check in tag

1. Why did you choose your url? i wanted something that was kind of fandom neutral just in case i wanted to reblog a bunch of random stuff (HA, the 1d tumblr claws hooked on me tight, so that’s not happening) and some of my friends call me becky so... here i am!

2. Any side-blogs? no, although i should start one just to have slightly better tag organization because i think i have three different tags for the same thing on this account haha!

3. How long have you been on tumblr? boy bells, you think you’re a baby, i’ve been on tumblr for... *checks date* maybe 7 or 8 months now.

4. Do you have a queue tag? yeah, i do, mostly to ease my irrational anxiety of reblogging things immediately.

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place? i can’t remember the exact reason because i have the memory of a goldfish, but i think it was because i wanted some place to share my harry/1d art and none of my other socials were really art or fandom related.

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp? i love the aesthetic of it and his teal pants kind of match the teal on my blog.

7. Why did you choose your header? photos of H waving pride flags have always been my favorite, but this one is my particular fav. and since i can’t put it anywhere else, it became my header!

8. Whats your post with the most notes? i haven’t really made any posts that have gotten too many, but right now it’s my first fic post.

9. How many mutuals do you have? around 30? maybe? but i love all of them!

10. How many followers do you have? around 100 i think

11. How many people do you follow? 60ish

12. Have you ever made a shitpost? nope.

13. How often do you use tumblr a day? waaaaay too much lol. i scroll through it whenever i’ve got any free time or when i’m not reading fics, which, now that it’s summer is.... a lot.

14. Did you once have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won? nope, and i really don’t hope to. i like having my little corner of tumblr drama free because i definitely don’t need more anxiety in my life.

15. How do you feel about “you need to reblog” posts? mehh, i’m not in love with them. i do think they’re often a way to show off performative activism for some topics

16. Do you like tag games? i love them! i’ve not got that many tumblr friends so it always warms my heart when someone tags me in them. <3

17. Do you like ask games? i do, but i’ve been kinda just saving them up for now because my blog isn’t really big enough to warrant throwing them out there yet. but maybe one day!

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous? honestly, i haven’t been around long enough to even know who is tumblr famous

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual? lots of friend crushes! you all are amazinggggg <33

20. Tags? i’m pretty sure everyone has done this at this point, but here’s a few @alwayslarry-vol28 @theisolatedlily @idolizingthelight @neondiamond

[petri808]

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 22 | 23 | 24 

I’ll be updating this on Saturdays cause each section will only be around 1k. The story ended up waaaaay longer than I expected when my brain went, hey! throw in this crazy twist lol. 

The sudden feeling of the cool air in the train car against his arms stirs Natsu from a blissful sleep. He sits up and stretches with a yawn, letting his eyes sweep over the flashing list of stops coming up. There was only one more to go and that was awesome because soon enough he’ll be able to crawl into bed.

‘Wow,’ he thinks to himself, ‘I must be really tired.’ It wasn’t often he fell asleep on the train, and it was a good thing he’d woken up in time. Too bad he was having such a nice dream. It was the kind he hoped for when he had a solid 8 hours to enjoy; though rare as those times may be.

Being a full-time student while working part time was taxing, especially around mid-terms or finals. Hence the late-night train ride. But he was one of the lucky ones considering his workplace was flexible with students and their needs. Gramps, as they called him, was the old guy running the place. He enjoyed hiring young people because they made him feel younger. Whatever his reason, Gramps treated his employees like they were his own kids and Natsu always felt at home there.  

Oh, but the blonde in his dream was such a cutie! What was her name again... darn he couldn’t quite remember; maybe Suzy? He knows there’s a y in there somewhere but that was all his addled brain could register. It was such a silly dream too, of them vying for an open seat on the train. Natsu smirks as he remembers convincing the woman to sit on his lap. It was a valid point after all, to share a spot in the full car.

Ugh, her smile was infectious, and she had such a feisty personality! His mind was clearly working on overtime to come up with his perfect girl. He chuckles to himself. Perhaps her beauty had been so overwhelming, that was why he couldn’t remember her name. And the cute blush on her cheeks when his words grew flirty surprised even him. In real life being a flirt was really not in his DNA, and most of the time he resorted to comedy to deal with all the anxiety it induced.

‘Man! I hope I dream about her again!’ He groans in his head. Even the warmth he felt in the dream chased away the chill of the air conditioning in the train. That had to be some amazing chemistry to pull off such a physical reaction.

Though it was odd to Natsu that he’d manifested a woman he’d never met before as far as he knew. Was she a customer at the store or maybe another student he’s seen in passing? If that was the case, Natsu wanted to slap himself for not noticing them sooner!

By the time Natsu reaches the apartment he shares with his friend Gray Fullbuster, the hour was pushing 11pm. His roommate was already holed up in his own room and probably asleep. So, he takes a quick shower then retreats to his room too. Thank goodness, not having an early morning class meant he could catch some extra zzz’s or get a couple of hours in working on an assignment.

Natsu throws himself backwards onto the comfortable bed and closes his eyes. He stares at the darkness behind those lids like a movie screen waiting for the conductor to turn on the reel. Come on, he wills himself, show me blondie again. He digs into his memory banks, hoping if he falls asleep with her image in his mind, it’ll cue the dream reel to play again.

Her golden blonde hair shined like a Tuscan sunset. It was neatly pulled back in a high ponytail, with a few tendrils falling loose near her face. They framed her milky smooth skin and highlighted the large chocolate brown eyes that twinkled when he made her flustered. She was a full-figured gal, busty and them hips... oh those hips were just perfection.

Call it what you will, a male lush, but he liked a little meat on their bones. Girls who were all straight up and down weren’t as appealing to him. Pretty, just not his taste. But that wasn’t the only thing he wanted in a woman. They had to have some smarts too, and judging from her book bag, Suzy or whatever was a fellow college student like him. Check more points off the list.

Kami help him this dream girl really was his dream woman!

Who was this mysterious blonde who’d found her way into his dream? Speaking of which, was one of the most vivid ones he’s ever had in his life. Her voice. Her scent. The warmth of her body as he hugged her. It all was so clear to Natsu even an hour later.

But it had to be a dream, right? Seriously, in what reality would a stranger ever let a man hug onto them? Yet she never made a move to push him away or appear uncomfortable. Quite the opposite. If Natsu was remembering the dream correctly, the blonde relaxed after he’d wrapped his arms around her waist.

He certainly felt comfortable with her too, and his intuition never did him wrong yet. Of course, being that this was his dream to direct, it shouldn’t surprise him the blonde was so perfect in every possible way. Kudos to his production team for writing such a magnificent script. His only complaint being, SHE WASN’T REAL!

Natsu let’s out a chuckling yawn just as his focus starts to dim and his exhaustion catches up.

A stranger on a train, huh? This was one story he’ll just keep to himself for now. Because knowing Gray, if he told his roommate about some perfect woman in a dream, the guy would tease him mercilessly. Whatever lucky stars he’d wished upon to receive this dream girl, he could only hope they’d bless him with a reoccurring role.

[jaskanetic]

22 and 27 OwO

Trans Ask Game

22. Do your neurodivergencies and/or disabilities affect your gender?

🤔 I have a very active mind (I assume from ADHD? The only other mental thing I KNOW I have is Major Depression Disorder, diagnosed at age 12/13. So like depression lol. And anxiety.) But regardless, I am always jumping WAAAAAY too ahead. I'm empathetic too and very emotionally sensitive I think, and all that combined with rushing ahead into the future with my thoughts... Often cause me to get upset over realizing "oh, wait, can't come out yet. Can't do X yet. Can't transition yet. Right. Other stuff first. Ok. Yeah. This sucks."

Like hitting myself with a hammer honestly.

Sometimes, or often rather, I have a bit of dysphoria. Something rubs me wrong, or my active mind reminds me "you have massive tiddies" or "you sound like a 12 year old". Insecurities that remind me my body isn't how I want it to be, yet. And I start to question myself or dissociate. "Do I really want to transition? I don't like my body. I want to. Maybe not? It's been this way forever. Should I? I dunno. Can I handle surgery? Maybe not now. I don't know anymore. What if I'm lying to myself?"

Things like that. Dysphoria things. But I always ground myself, and stick to the decisions I have made up in my head, knowing I'll be happier because of them in the long run.

But yeah. My active, jumping mind has been the cause of many problems in the past. And it definitely affects me in terms of gender as well.

27. What do you do to validate yourself?

Well! There's a lot of little things I do.

For instance, Hair: I LOVE to mess with my hair. I'm sporting a NICE undercut these days, the bit left on the top is long and I always tie it back into a man-bun sort of deal. Makes me feel like a big strong Viking or something. A gladiator. Warrior. Like I'm about to wrestle a bear in the snow and drink beer out of a goat horn.

Not shaving: I never cared for shaving to begin with. I only did so in my teen years because I wasn't fully out, I had a lot of dysphoria after my mom's response to me initially saying I was trans, and I thought the pure act of shaving would make me "acceptable." Y'know. "Like other girls", or "normal", so people like my mom wouldn't vote me out like an Among Us playthrough. Now that I'm older, I prefer not to shave both because it makes me feel more masculine, and because it's a pain in the ass and I just can't be bothered to. :/ I shaved a few days ago. The whole deal. Everywhere but my back. I already have stubble and I itch like crazy. Personally, not shaving helps in two different ways lmao.

Clothes: I get men's shoes. Men's pants. Men's shirts. Men's everything. I buy everything from the men's section at any store. I went to 2 clothing stores today and only hung around either the area with the bajillion frying pans, or the men's clothes. It's hard sometimes, I don't have a binder and my massive chest makes it difficult unless I wear something loose. But, wearing men's clothes feels just so RIGHT for me. I feel comfortable. Free. At peace, in a way. Were as when I put on the jeggings my mom bought me for Christmas, while I appreciate my dump truck ass, I also want to tear them off with my teeth and toss them into a fire. Men's clothes, very good, 10/10.

Natural Form: I'm stocky in body shape. And I'm tall. I have a good mix of muscle and fat, purely because I don't do cardio, so rather than slim out much, my body just stacks more muscle over my muscle under my fat. I have the body of a gorilla. The thundering thighs of a horse if it were an Olympian God. A dump truck ass. The biceps of a man ready to toss someone. The thickest neck in the world. I am always "mistaken" as a man (BLESS) so long as my chest is hidden. I have been told, I have a DAD BOD. I HAVE A FUCKING DAD BOD. And I am grateful for it. I still want to take Testosterone, but sometimes I slap on some shorts or sweats and a good t-shirt and slides, and then the dysphoria evaporates as I take one look at myself and go "ah, yes, a literal chad. A beefcake. A lad. A dad."

Strength: I have gathered a respect amongst my family as being a literal fucking powerhouse. Tasks they would normally have the boys do, they have me do quite often. Especially in terms of lifting things so heavy, that they label as "a job for the boys". And me, I, get asked to do those things. While I am not out to them and they likely wouldn't be accepting, they at least accept I am very "masculine" and very STRONK. Stronger than the boys in the house I think. I watch a male carry the enormous bag of dog food with two hands, meanwhile, here is I, holding that sack with 1 hand and up against my shoulder, effortlessly. Feels great.

Names: Nic. Nic is not my real name, but it's a preferred online name or nickname. Nic is short for Nicay, sure, but when I first came out in highschool, I chose the name "Nikolai", only to doubleback and decide "my birth name is perfectly fine actually, I think I'll keep Nic as like a nickname". And here we are. I know I asked for "Jaska" a long time ago when things were kinda crazy, but that was pure adrenaline rush that took me. Jaska is an oc, and it feels awkward. I prefer Nic, or my real name for close friends/people I've known a long time. (Friends are free to ask about it too if you'd like, I don't mind cx).

This was VERY LONG I'M SORRY but thanks for asking!

Also these are just my preferences! Every trans person's way of dealing with dysphoria and things are valid. You don't have to transition or follow what is considered "masculine" or "feminine". Just be you, do what makes you comfortable. 💜

[c-ptsdrecovery]

Today I took the Big Five Personality test (i’ve taken it several times before). I’m looking at the definitions for the five traits, and thinking about how they interact with my C-PTSD.

Openness

Openness describes a person’s tendency to think in abstract, complex ways. High scorers tend to be creative, adventurous, and intellectual. They enjoy playing with ideas and discovering novel experiences. Low scorers tend to be practical, conventional, and focused on the concrete. They tend to avoid the unknown and follow traditional ways.

Openness is strongly related to a person’s interest in art and culture. People who are high in openness tend to enjoy the arts and seek out unusual, complex forms of self-expression. People who are low in openness are often suspicious of the arts and prefer to focus on more practical pursuits.

I score high on this, which surprises me a little, given how conventional my parents are and how much they tried to squelch my individuality. But I guess my natural creativity and intellectual curiosity couldn’t be squelched. :)

Conscientiousness

Conscientiousness describes a person’s ability to exercise self-discipline and control in order to pursue their goals. High scorers are organized and determined, and are able to forego immediate gratification for the sake of long-term achievement. Low scorers are impulsive and easily sidetracked.

The concept of Conscientiousness focuses on a dilemma we all face: shall I do what feels good now, or instead do what is less fun but will pay off in the future? Some people are more likely to choose fun in the moment, and thus are low in Conscientiousness. Others are more likely to work doggedly toward their goals, and thus are high in this trait.

I score high on this. It might be related to the fact that my family was SUPER DISCIPLINED and made me so, too. On the other hand, some people respond to stress with procrastination and impulsivity, so.

Extraversion

Extraversion describes a person’s inclination to seek stimulation from the outside world, especially in the form of attention from other people. Extraverts engage actively with others to earn friendship, admiration, power, status, excitement, and romance. Introverts, on the other hand, conserve their energy, and do not work as hard to earn these social rewards.

Extraversion seems to be related to the emotional payoff that a person gets from achieving a goal. While everyone experiences victories in life, it seems that extroverts are especially thrilled by these victories, especially when they earn the attention of others. Getting a promotion, finding a new romance, or winning an award are all likely to bring an extrovert great joy. In contrast, introverts do not experience as much of a “high” from social achievements. They tend to be more content with simple, quiet lives, and rarely seek attention from others.

Now, this is particularly interesting to me. Because this is not how I’ve heard “extroversion” defined in the past. I’ve always understood that extroverts are energized by interactions with others (often lots of others) and drained by being alone, and that introverts are energized by being alone and drained by being with others. According to that definition, I’m an introvert. However, I score 79% on extraversion in this test, because I definitely value others’ opinions of me, often more than I value my opinions of myself. I would not call this “extraversion”, however: I would call this, “an external locus of self-esteem.” 

This particular trait is really complicated for me, anyway. Because my level of stereotypical extroverted traits (talkativeness, wanting to be the center of attention, starting conversations, etc) is EXTREMELY context-specific. When I’m comfortable and feeling like I’m getting positive feedback, I am VERY talkative. I start conversations with pleasant-seeming strangers a LOT, sometimes. And I LOVE being the center of positive attention, as long as I’m in a situation where I feel like it’s valid for me to be that center (because my “showing off” was a Capital Crime in my narcissistic mother’s opinion, so I’ve got kind of a complex about it). However, if I’m in a situation where I feel rejected at all, I crawl back into my shell like a wounded turtle. So I have trouble answering questions about extroversion and introversion to begin with! It depends SO MUCH and my responses end up on opposite ends of spectrum.

(Generally, I describe myself as “a big-mouthed introvert.” I desperately need lots of alone time, but I LOVE to communicate. Thus my adoration of the internet. lol)

Agreeableness

Agreeableness describes a person’s tendency to put others’ needs ahead of their own, and to cooperate rather than compete with others. People who are high in Agreeableness experience a great deal of empathy and tend to get pleasure out of serving and taking care of others. They are usually trusting and forgiving.

People who are low in Agreeableness tend to experience less empathy and put their own concerns ahead of others. Low scorers are often described as hostile, competitive, and antagonistic. They tend to have more conflictual relationships and often fall out with people.

While I scored high on this (77%), this is my lowest of all five scores. Which is funny, because I get the impression that other people’s impression of me is that I’m EXTREMELY agreeable. (Heck, I was occasionally referred to in high school by people who didn’t know my name as “The Nice One”!)

I think the reason my agreeableness score isn’t as high as my others is twofold. The first issue is that I feel a lot more empathy than I do drive to care for others. I feel other people’s feelings a LOT. However, I also frequently find other people’s negative feelings overwhelming. If I’m in a situation where there isn’t anybody else to help, or where I would be expected to help, I jump in and help (a friend really needs help with a task and has no one else to ask. Someone falls down and scrapes their knee right in front of me. etc). I expend a lot of emotional energy doing this.

However, if I’m in a situation where someone else can step in, or where I wouldn’t be expected to help, I often don’t help (sometimes seeing someone in distress online, etc). So I tend to score myself a little lower on this than I might otherwise do.

But that brings me to the other reason my score isn’t that high: because I’m scoring MYSELF. It may be that my standards for how much I SHOULD be giving of myself to others is waaaaay higher than it needs to be (in fact, I’m almost sure it is). Hardly surprising, considering I grew up with a narcissistic mother who thought I should constantly be putting HER first and I should therefore NEVER be first. When you grow up being taught that self-abnegation is your primary duty, you tend to feel bad about yourself whenever you’re doing basic self-care. It’s pretty twisted.

Anyway, I think this is a failing of the entire test as a whole: it’s based on self-perception. I think our perception of ourselves is often skewed. And I think it’s particularly skewed for those with childhood emotional abuse/neglect. Because one of the things that good enough parents do (that toxic parents do not) is reflect to their children an accurate view of themselves. If your parents gave you a skewed view of yourself, or refused to reflect upon you at all, it’s hardly surprising you’d have trouble accurately evaluating yourself.

Neuroticism

Neuroticism describes a person’s tendency to experience negative emotions, including fear, sadness, anxiety, guilt, and shame. While everyone experiences these emotions from time to time, some people are more prone to them than others.

This trait can be thought of as an alarm system. People experience negative emotions as a sign that something is wrong in the world. You may be in danger, so you feel fear. Or you may have done something morally wrong, so you feel guilty. However, not everyone has the same reaction to a given situation. High Neuroticism scorers are more likely to react to a situation with fear, anger, sadness, and the like. Low Neuroticism scorers are more likely to brush off their misfortune and move on.

I have PTSD. My neuroticism score is necessarily going to be high. “Neuroticism” basically measures emotional stability, and those with mood disorders or most kinds of mental health problems are obviously going to have a lower score on emotional stability. That being said, I think it’d be interesting to take this test again when I’ve recovered from PTSD (some things linger for the rest of one’s life, but one can recover from the acute symptoms). My score might go down. It’s already fluctuated over the last two and a half years from a highest score of 83% (Feb. 2018) to a lowest score of 62.5% (Sept. 2018). And those two scores were only 7 months apart!

This makes me wonder about the validity of this test. The studies I managed to find on a simple google search about whether Big Five personality traits changed much over time all seemed to be very long-term studies: they test you very infrequently over long periods of time. Testing more frequently might show more instability in scores, which might cast doubt on the test’s validity, or even on the idea that these are actually personality traits (more long-lasting trends in behavior) or simply tendencies which could change a great deal within short periods of time

[madzilla84]

I booked a hotel for Mexico last night. Naturally it isn't pre paid - it's cancellable up until the day before so I have time to change/cancel if/when things go wrong. There are still a lot of unknowns - the lottery hasn't even opened yet, and I don't expect to know the results until mid-April if London is anything to go by. (Could be a litlle earlier.) And of course, we don't yet know if or how travel and/or gatherings could be affected by Coronavirus panic, or god knows what else. (That would be - entirely my luck tbh)

(I was gonna cut this here to save your dash but apparently you can’t do that on mobile any more. Welp)

The hotel looks really nice, though. It's a little more than I wanted to spend, especially as it’s just me, but it isn't a stupid bonkers amount or anything. (There was one that was a little nicer, and a better location, but I could only get it for the same price if i paid up front, non-refundable , and that didn't feel like a wise move.) I've been looking through options and prices for weeks, and I think this is a good shout. (I still have time to change my mind, anyway.)

If this all doesn't work out I might - *might* - shoot for VidCon US (assuming they both go, of course; I think Phil will almost definitely go). As I think I mentioned before, I don't know yet what I'll choose to do if I'm unsuccessful in the lottery for Mexico ... those results will probably come out very close to the date of the con itself (we had 2-and-a-bit weeks for London), so it'll have to be a fast decision. I do keep thinking that - assuming it all goes ahead - that even without the M&G it could be the last chance to see them on stage together. (I mean, like, it might not be; they might shock me and appear together at big VidCon or something, but given how things have been, I doubt it. This seems like a special, unusual II thing; never say never and all, but it could be a very long time, if ever.)

But is seeing that in person worth the huge expense, and such a long trip, without a M&G? That’s something I asked myself last year for big VidCon as well, and as they weren't appearing together I eventually decided not to go. (Which I don't regret, honestly.) But LA is so much more expensive than Mexico would be (the flights are more than twice as much, and the dollar is much stronger than the peso against the pound), and it's an amazing place to just - go on holiday anyway, as I've never been, and there's so much amazing history and culture and FOOOOD. There are several aspects about the trip I feel anxious about, but I've decided not to worry too much until I know if I'm going for sure. (So yay, I get to condense all my anxiety into 2 or 3 weeks!)

I keep reminding myself of my Japan trip in 2017 - I was *incredibly* anxious about that, before and after booking it and before going, for a number of reasons, and none of those were even that I feared for my safety. And that worked out fantastically. So - yeah. It'd be nicer if I even knew one person who was going, but it is what it is. Hopefully, if I was lucky enough to get it, I could ask a stranger to film for me at the M&G, or a staff member. But I'm getting waaaaay ahead of myself.

It’s all a lot of 'maybe's and 'wait and see's and as the last year-and-a-bit has shown, I hate those. It's frustrating. I want to know now!! Lol. But watch this space, I guess... 59 days to go.