#NEGATIVE CW —

[dawnscales]

At work today a guy asked where our travel guides are. I was carrying a bunch of things & on my way downstairs so I could only point with my elbow but basically "that door & then straight to the end of the room, my colleague is there if you need help"

that worked out fine but when i was back upstairs at the library & sat down to continue placing orders he asked again, or rather "I can't find the region I am looking for" & honestly our traveling guide section can be a lot. Also if you don't know that we put some places together, it gets even harder. He was looking for some maps about Bosnia so I showed him.

That's when he saw my star of David necklace & complimented it. I said thanks & got ready to return to my spot. All of a sudden, as I am already halfway across the floor, he yells "Oh & I need something else. I need books about the Nakba. You know what this is, right? The ongoing genocide committed by the Jewish people"

I told him I know what he means & if he could wait a moment. I told my co-worker to please take over as adviser for me, told him what the man is looking for & that we definitely have books about the topic.

It honestly was the right timing because my shift would end in 10 minutes & two girls needed help with books about a topic I just had training for so I knew I could help them real fast.

The man ignored my co-worker & proceeded to follow me, shouting. I informed him that I am currently helping other people & my co-worker can help, he is actually in charge of our history & politics section. I got a "I don't want him. I want your help. You know what is going on, don't you?"

It took me somewhat snapping & more rudely informing him that I am currently busy helping other people & getting a bit louder myself. It also took my co-worker putting his body between the guy & me for him to go quiet & then mutter "so you're fucking busy" & leaving.

This isn't okay. This is antisemitism. I do not wear a name tag that shows I have a name more commonly found in Israel. I do not speak with an accent - yes I grew up the first years of my life in Israel & I have dual citizenship. But he does not know that. All he saw was a visibly Jewish person.

My co-worker had me go to our office & informed me I could leave once he went through our library & made sure the guy wasn't outside. Like sincerely this is fucked up. I want to wear my Star of David, I want to be visibly Jewish. I don't want to put myself or my co-workers in danger.

I didn't realize how much this fucked me up until I arrived home, sat down & suddenly just cried.

EDIT 31.10.24: I want to say even if I was visibly Israeli, even if I wore the Israeli flag THIS WOULD NOT BE OKAY . I need people to know that I actually love my home country - I hate the government but I love the place - I have family there, October 7th was a horrific massacre & my family lost friends that day .

While we still lived in Israel my father often took me along to discussions between Israelis and Palestinians, I was raised to hope and believe in a two state solution in which both Palestinians and Israelis can live in safety and dignity. I still hope in that.

[radioactive-earthshine]

I think a lot of batfans very much underestimate how dispiriting it is and enraging it is when you are trying to celebrate a non-bat character, theme, or concept only to have a batfan swing in and instead make it about a bat character, theme, or concept.

This isn't something that happens "occasionally" - it is persistent and unrelenting and it makes fans of non-bat characters feel undermined and unheard. So yes, pettiness does come out because we. are. tired.

[altarfates]

being autistic is so fucking exhausting.

[grislyintentions]

[Just when I thought everything is back to normal and i get some breathing room, i receive the news that my father's back in A&E again. YE GODS OF OLDE I S2G I WILL PERSONALLY ASCEND AND FIST FIGHT ALL OF YOU WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT I'M PISSED/coping]

[deadn30n-arch]

if i go MIA for a few days, please don't be alarmed. i had a sudden emotional and mental crash shortly after i got home from work && i've been nonstop crying for 2hrs.

i kind of suspected this was going to happen with how my mental's been the past two weeks, it's been over a year since i was unmedicated, but i really, really hoped i could've beaten it before it hit. i couldn't.

i've tried and tried and tried to quash out all the negativity in my head, all the feelings of inadequacy, the self-doubt, the rejection dysphoria, the anxiety of being forgotten or left behind, but i couldn't :( and it's not easy admitting all that and i don't like airing my emotions all over the place but i think for the sake of transparency, and especially for ya'll not to worry, it's important to say i'm just. not well right now. but it's ok. i promise i'll be ok

this should all pass once i'm able to get my antidepressants back and i've been pushing for an earlier appointment

rest assured, nobody's done anything wrong, and i'm not going to do anything silly. i just know that right now, in the state i'm in, it's not a good idea for me to be online or around people.

thanks to therapy i developed a lot of really good coping mechanisms for this in the past, and while i know they say; 'don't withdraw from people and be alone when you're in this bad of a state!'

would you believe me if i said that's....... actually how i cope best? i know it sounds wild, but with being an introvert and autistic, being around people actually stresses me out more. being by myself, detaching from everything and everyone for a little while is literally the best thing for me. i don't know how to explain it or put it into words bc i suck at articulation ( ironic for a novelist, right? ) but that's just. yeah. lmao. it's how i work out whatever icky thing i've got going on.

so! if i'm unavailable on discord or anywhere for a few days, that's why. i don't want to alarm anyone by up and disappearing, i don't want anyone to worry :(

dw i'm pretty much gonna fill my time with just doing things that bring me joy to beat back this awful rut of depression that chokeholded me. i'll probably do things like re-read SVSSS for the billionth time and come back to yap and be annoying on the dash about it when i feel better LMAO

all i ask is for a little patience and understanding, be gentle on me please ;;

love ya'll ♥

[riddlesnap]

tl;dr, shit is happening at home and I don't know how that's going to affect my activity for the forseeable future. May or may not be active, who knows, just be aware I'll probably not want to talk at all.

[aceparagon]

between the shit going on my dash, seeing someone receive an ask that used the f-slur in a derogatory manner, and the migraine i'm nursing, i'm just gonna stick to drafts and asks atm

[botanikos]

Image text: It's Lisa Simpson giving her presentation with the words "I blocked and deleted anons for months, and left this blog/Stolas only for it to all keep going anyway."

Today, while singing around the kitchen after having a hard time at work, I had some "post-stress clarity" or whatever you want to call it.

I have been so exhausted, anxious, and genuinely saddened by the ongoing anonymous tirade that continues to mention my name (and others — but I don't speak for them, only myself). So allow me to make some clarifying statements, shall we? Not that I owe anyone a single word... besides, those I am close with or who know me know the truth. And let me just say thank you.

To everyone else, I refuse to apologize for making this post. As a victim of this circlejerk of an anonymous harassment campaign that people don't want to acknowledge or take seriously and just label as regular old "drama" even though it's been going on for months and that is fucking WILD — I am tired of keeping quiet. So here it is, why I "left."

1. My very first anonymous "criticism" was not that at all. I still wouldn't classify it as "hate" either, despite what others thought of it at the time. However, I have come to the conclusion now, months later, that it is entirely possible, and very likely, they mistook me for someone else. "Jude, that is awfully generous" ; no it isn't. It's what I believe to be true. My URL, at the time before it was changed to botanikos, was very similar to another person's. Knowing what I do now, it makes sense. No harm, no foul.

2. I have no real proof of who has been / is / was sending the constant barrage of anonymous messages. The Cam blog stepped up and said it was them. I believe they played a part in it, for sure, but considering things are STILL being said and I received messages even after blocking them. . . Huh. Interesting, don't you think? Anyways. . . That being said — Not once have I ever made a post about or directed towards another name that has been consistently mentioned in all of this, yet my posts were stolen and used. Linked, of course, because I took the reblog feature away. So again. . . The only things I have ever addressed are a select very few (2-3 messages at most) anonymous asks. I have. . . So many screenshots of messages I consistently received. Let that sink in.

3. "Just ignore and block. They will stop." If that were true, do you think I would have left this blog? No. Again, I don't know who is behind any of this, but it doesn't take rocket science to realize it's because I write Stolas and started befriending people? I assume that is what I am guilty of and what drew the attention? Coz otherwise, WHAT is the reason FOR ALL OF THIS/THAT? I'll wait, if anyone has a valid explanation. . .

4. Yea. I DID make a new blog! Wow! It's almost like I felt unsafe and anxious on this one after everything that's happened/been going on! And the only real way I saw myself regaining control of the situation was to take a few days away, shut down this blog, and start anew?!?! And even still, my name is being dragged around to other people. . . Funny how cowards don't want to ask or talk to me themselves about whatever curiosities they have. Huh! But no longer surprising. I'm just disappointed that I know 6 year olds with more decency and respect than the adults over here.

At this point, I am acutely aware that whoever is behind this, while I may not know their direct identity. . . It is SOMEONE or a group of people who are either close friends with one another and have interacted with me on some level (or the people around me) or they are someone I am close to and unaware of their double standards.

So, of course, I'm going to use a different name and different blog, be private and highly selective, and slow to follow people back or write anymore. Because my spirit and desire to be here while not entirely gone has been severely broken. If you feel like you need anything made clear or confirmed from me, just ask. I have screenshots of everything I need/felt was necessary. I'm an open book. Talk to me in private if you need anything more from me. But there's your explanation.

So let it fucking go. At this point, I'm done being sad about it; now I'm just furious. And if saying all of this makes you dislike me or question my character, I hope you take a moment to do a little reflecting yourself, too. Because nothing I've said above is in any way demeaning. I have given you my experience(s). This blog has brought me so much joy, and sparked new friendships that I am grateful for. But the fact remains that I had to leave. I have to be someplace else, and I'm not even fully present there either.

[attroxx]

just me rambling under the cut feel free to ignore.

i miss shit posting on here and having fun with my friends. i hardly talk to anyone on the dash anymore cause the dash is always so dead. and of course no one is obligated to be on tumblr or whatever but. i hardly post headcanons or anything ooc anymore cause no one's ever here. idk. maybe it's just my sign that i need to branch out and follow new people but i'm too much of a scaredy cat to do so. i feel like my muses have suffered from it as well just because the dash is always dead and what not. idk. ignore me lol this has just been on my mind the past few weeks. shout out to the ones who write with me i appreciate you. <3

[dawnscales]

starring at the news as the eu election results slowly trickle in and ?????? to all the people telling Jews that Jews are safe in Europe (or to go back there) fuck you. Parties that were founded and taught by actual Nazis are winning.

This is not safe for Jews, for queer people, for muslims, for anyone really. This is gross and you all are gross. Also if you didn't go vote because you were disappointed in how the left dealt with things: fuck you this is on you too.

[advertisesouls-a]

uhhh

so like, i was okay with it at first, but now it's just rly fucking creepy, dude.

please stop objectifying my character, and stop bothering my friend that i write with. it's not cute or funny and it rly skeeves me the fuck out

[altarfates]

☁️

I don’t even know how to begin to say how devastating it is to give someone your all and sharing all the things you love with them just to have them leave. as someone who struggles to like make friends as badly as I do and who is so terrified of transience that I would rather just not reach out ever at all it’s just so???? I’m doing better, I feel so lucky to have found a community who just has fun and isn’t exclusionary when it comes to new people but it still hurts idk when that stops.

[multi-lefaiye]

the customer who made me have Multiple panic attacks a few months ago is supposed to come in today and i've been on edge all day waiting for this jackass

[hells-greatestdad]

// one of the more direct reasons for my rampant anxiety the past few months has been the loss of multiple mutuals. some of them whom I actively wrote with. I will not get into the why's or anything of any of it (nor the who's) and I'm not upset at any of them.

I'm hypersensitive, I'd be the first to admit it, and I have been for a long time. I had something happen to me in my last RPC in 2020 that like altered my brain chemistry or something and I just haven't been the same person since. It was a major kick-off for intense RSD.

Trying to accept that people will come and go and there isn't much I can do about it. And there are absolutely people who want to write with me or still want to write with me, and I should focus on that instead of internalizing things so hard.

But yeah... that's been the reason for my strange behavior.

[sweetpeauserboxes]

[id: a light pink userbox with a pastel pink border and pastel pink text that reads “this user is having a silent meltdown; please and thank you.” on the left is an image of a pink heart. /end id]

[victoriousfidelity]

at some point maybe i'll stop being too depressed to function and be back here properly. a month of this now and i'm still not doing great. apologies for all the ooc chats i've either being spotty with or just dropped; i feel terrible about it, i'm just not at all well.