#OH realized while I was writing this that it's world contraception day!

[the-glitter-acetylcholine]

Sexual Health Resources!!

Okay, so this list is mostly just links that I want to save for myself, but they could probaly help you too. Almost all of these sites are specifically aimed at afab people, and some of them use feminine gendered language (notably, all links including “girl2girl” assume readers are cis girls), but the info could be useful to anyone. I got most of these links through the girl2girl.org program, which is a 2-ish month long sex ed and pregnancy prevention program for teen wlw. I know this stuff can be super awkward, but it’s really worth knowing, especially since the sex ed system in the U.S. is literal trash.

General Info

https://www.scarleteen.com -- really good info, trans, nb, and intersex inclusive, with specific parts of the site dedicated to gender and disabilities (among other things! i really recommend giving this site a look-through sometimes when you're bored, it's my favorite on this list and it has in-depth information on every category i list below)

https://www.plannedparenthood.org -- similar to scarleteen, though not specifically oriented towards teens; you may already know this, but planned parenthood does more than abortions! check out the "learn" tab for in-depth info on all the categories below.

https://girl2girl.org -- 2-ish month long sex ed program for teen wlw, completed via text (same as above)

https://sexetc.org/states/colorado/ -- info on rights to abortion, birth control, STD testing and more, organized by state (tbh this one is another favorite, the whole site is defo worth exploring)

Domestic Abuse/Sexual Assault

http://TheHotline.org -- info on domestic abuse, 24/7 hotline, and resources for abuse survivors/victims 

http://Loveisrespect.org -- similar to above, specifically for teens and young adults

http://ohl.rainn.org/online -- sexual assault hotline and resources

Pregnancy and STD Prevention

https://quiz.girl2girl.org/? -- quiz to help afabs determine which birth control methods work best for them, provides links to relevant resources upon quiz completion

https://www.nurx.com/our-services/ -- cheap, online birth control, STD testing, emergency contraception, and (bonus!) migrane treatment

https://girl2girl.org/resources/condom-app/ -- information about iCondom app (locates nearby condom purchase options) and links to app store for android and iphone

https://girl2girl.org/contraception/ -- infographic about various afab contraceptives

https://girl2girl.org/sexually-transmitted-diseases/  -- infographic about STDs, their symptoms, and treatment options

https://gettested.cdc.gov -- CDC STD testing options

https://sexetc.org/action-center/clinic-finder/ -- HIV/STD clinic finder (for testing or treatment)

https://www.glydeamerica.com -- vegan condoms, in case you’re worried about latex and all that

https://girl2girl.org/how-to-use-a-condom/ -- video on how to use a condom (don’t worry, it’s not explicit, and it doesn’t automatically play when you open the tab)

https://girl2girl.org/female-condoms/ -- video on how to use a female condom (non-explicit, doesn’t automatically play)

Pregnancy Termination

http://www.afterpill.com -- morning after pill!! (okay, this doesn’t technically count as termination but you do it after sex so I’m putting it here) (also pls know that the shipping isn’t super fast, so if you need the pill immediately, you should get it in person at a pharmacy or large retail store)

https://www.plannedparenthood.org -- planned parenthood site

www.plannedparenthood.org/online-tools/chat -- planned parenthood live chat (not 24/7, unfortunately)

Other Important Info I Don’t Have Links For

Buy condoms that are latex, plyurethane, or ployisoprene, not lambskin. Lambskin can let STDs through.

Use water-based lube; Vaseline or oil-based lube will ruin a condom.

Even if the sex isn’t afab/amab, use protection. STDs are always a danger.

It’s worth using condoms on toys, too, since STDs can’t really be cleaned from a toy’s pores

On that note, get tested often. STDs can be trasmitted by things other than sex, so even if you’re not having sex or you’re sure that you and your partner(s) are clean, you may have picked something up by accident. Even sharing a water bottle can sometimes cause STD transmission, so check. If you picked something up, you’ll want to know sooner rather than later.

Condoms are useful, even for afab/afab sex! “Male” condoms can be altered into dental dams (for oral sex), and they make “female” condoms (which btw are latex-free), too! The links above that give info on birth control nearly all elaborate on this

Try to keep some condoms with you, even if you think there’s literally no way you’d need one. You never know what’ll happen, and it doesn’t hurt to be prepared. Besides, maybe a friend will need one, and then you’ll be friend of the year (afabs, it’s like carrying tampons/pads when you’re not on your period)

Don’t flush condoms down to toilet

Remember condoms are single use!!!

Check the condoms you carry frequently. Make sure they aren’t past their expiration date, and that the packaging hasn’t been punctured or bent. If any of these things have happened, chuck ‘em! They won’t work anymore. (just make sure you remember to replace them, too)

If you smoke, you shouldn’t use birth control pills. This is probably a non-issue bc pills are usually prescribed, but just bear it in mind

Title X clinics (for abortions and other pregnancy options) are great, but be careful! There are organizations that set themselves up near abortion clinics to confuse people. They operate specifically with the agenda to guilt people out of getting an abortion. These places are usually called something along the lines of “Crisis Pregnancy Center” or “Pregnancy Choice”. John Oliver has a 21-minute talk about them here (okay, so maybe I do have a link for this one lol) (btw this is a youtube link, so it plays automatically).

update mar. 10, '21: i added a few links and, though i've discovered i'm not actually wlw, but the info from all these sites has been and continues to be extremely useful to me! remember that you don't have to be a cis girl or AFAB for these sites to be worth looking at!

[mxchellesworld]

Get with me

spencer reid x reader

synopsis; in which you get two sets of news and a happy ending 

warnings; mentions of cheating, pregnancy scares, smut, unprotected sex, breeding kink (im sorry lmao), praise

pt 2 of ysbuwybf

a/n; patting myself on the back for not bailing on fic requests lmaoo anyways yall were so outa pocket with ideas, all i wanna say is that i am respecting our sweet prince anderson and letting him down gently (i’m writing this before the fic so i could completely switch it up) see end notes for final thoughts :)

hope you enjoy!

*also pls don’t cheat its so icky and a horrible thing to do

***

If your suspicions were correct you were fucked. Part of you would be ecstatic no doubt about it. But if things were true then you were utterly surly fucked. 

Your period was late. 

Which meant either one; your birth control was acting up or two; you were pregnant. 

However being pregnant wasn’t a bad thing, far from it. The bad thing was that there were two candidates in the running to be the father. Your boyfriend, Agent Anderson who was nothing but a sweetheart even though he was about as exciting as a wet paper bag. 

Or Dr.Spencer Reid. Your best friend who you had also been sleeping with outside of your relationship. The best man you’d ever known who was also aching to become a father some day. 

For a week you had been avoiding both of them in the office. Unfortunately for you there were no cases. While yes a lack of serial killing was always a plus it also meant you were stuck in the same building as them for give or take eight hours a day. 

For days on end you stuck in your earbuds and kept your head down while doing paperwork trying to ignore both sets of eyes which would look over to you every once in a while. 

Were you even pregnant, was the biggest question. So you had decided that it was time to get your shit together. At lunch on Monday you had made a quick doctors appointment and went on your way. The little old nurse had told you she would call you in a few days with results. 

In that time you had gone over every possible scenario or possibility. Who would you tell first? How would you even bring it up? Would Anderson hate you for cheating? Would Spencer be upset that the baby isn’t his? It would be like another JJ situation for him. 

The thoughts plagued your mind throughout the week and the more you thought about it the more you thought about who you would have preferred to be the father of your child. Which then led to the guilt of picking and the realization that you in fact would have to break up with Anderson. 

If the child did end up being his you would have to make it work, however you knew it was time to come clean and apologize for going behind his back. He deserved to know the truth. 

Deep in your thoughts you barley heard your phone ringing. It was now Friday and you weren’t expecting any other calls besides the one from your doctor. You looked around and made sure no one was paying attention before you clicked the green button. 

“Hello?” 

You heard the voice of the nurse on the line, she sounded almost sad, “Hello am I speaking with Y/n Y/l/n?”

“Yeah this is her,” you said dryly. Your nerves were eating at you. 

“Oh sweetie I’m calling with the results of your test. It turns out that you are not pregnant at this time honey.” 

You let out the breath you didn’t realize you held in. It felt as is a weight was lifted off your shoulders. 

“Oh, um thank you for informing me,” you said looking down at your nails. 

“Of course. If you have anymore questions you can call back at this number or come in and set up another appointment. Have a good rest of your day.” 

With that the line cut off and you fell back into your chair. Your hand subtly moved onto your stomach. Huh. You didn’t think that would be as hard to hear. 

“Y/n?” a voice called from behind you. 

“Oh hey Andy. Whats up?” you said putting a smile on your face. 

He combed a hand through his hair before he sat at the corner of your desk, “I’ve been meaning to talk to you and I think it’s best if I say it clearly and honestly.” 

Your brows furrowed. Oh shit did he already know? You had to stay calm. 

“Yeah go ahead.”

“I think we should break up. It’s not you, I think we’re just missing a spark. At first it was fun but I don’t think this is gonna work anymore.”

Pot meet kettle, you thought. 

“Plus I think Charlotte from Cyber Crimes is into me so yeah,” he trailed off. 

You bit your lip to try and hide the laugh you wanted to let out. This was an unseen turn of events. “Yeah I get it. But hey no hard feelings. Go for it with Lotte, she’s a total sweetheart.”

“Thanks Y/n/n,” he said leaning down to give you half hug then gingerly turned and walked away. 

Behind you Spencer couldn’t help but listen to the whole interaction. Once he saw Anderson reach the elevator he got up and made his way over to your desk. 

You looked up and saw the small smile on his face, “Is it party at Y/n’s desk today?” you asked causing him to giggle. 

“I think the news I just heard calls for celebration in the best way we know don’t you think,” he said looking around the bullpen nodding his head towards the hallway which was home to the spacious supply closet. 

You looked around and made sure no one was looking. Emily and JJ were gone in Garcia’s lair. Derek was gone visiting his mom and the dads of the BAU were in a meeting. 

“Lead the way doctor,” you said standing getting up form your chair. 

Once in the closet Spencer wasted no time in pressing his lips to yours. He sighed at the taste of your cherry chapstick. You put your hands on his face pulling him down but while you were savoring the taste of his lips your mind couldn’t help but go back. 

You could have been a mom. Spencer felt your lips slow down instead of returning the passion and stepped away. 

“What’s wrong?”

“There’s something I need to tell you,” you said looking up at him.

He tried to hide the look of worry on his features but you could see right through him as he nodded for you to continue. 

“Well earlier this week I uh was supposed to start my period but I didn’t,”

“Y/n-” he tried to cut you off but you put your hand up for him to let you finish. 

“I went to the doctors and got a test done. Before Anderson came over I got the call and I’m not. Which is good right? It saved everyone a world of hurt and drama. I don’t know I just thought you should know.” 

“Did you wanna be?”

“What?”

“Pregnant,” he said gripping your hips and pulling you closer. 

You felt your cheeks get hot at what he was insinuating, “Well- I- yeah. I mean yeah, yes.”

With that he brought his lips back down to yours. This time you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him closer. One of his hands slid to the back of your skirt and pulled down the zipper. You let it slide down your legs and stepped out of it. 

You sat on the table in the room, pushing off the bottles of cleaner. Spencer stepped into the space between your legs, his fingers reaching for your panties and tugging them down your legs. 

“I can’t believe I get this tight little pussy all to myself now,” he said biting marks onto your neck. You mewled tilting your head to the side and pulling on his tie. 

“Spencer please. I need you so bad,” you whined out. 

He stepped away and hastily started on undoing his pants, “What do you want baby? Is it for me to fuck you? Or is that not enough? Do you need me to fill you up with my cum? Want me to put a baby in you?” 

You moaned at his lewd words and quickly nodded your head. Your hand flew down to your pussy, you were practically dripping onto the table and he had barley touched you. 

“Please doctor I need you so bad.” 

Spencer quickly stepped into the space again and took both of your hands in one of his large ones, “I own this pussy. I always have, you don’t get to touch without my permission,” he gritted out. 

With his free hand he tugged on his cock before aligning it with your leaking slit. The both of you sighed as he pushed in inch by inch. Your head feel back with your mouth open in a perfect O shape. 

After a second of letting you adjust Spencer started with rough thrusts. You could feel your hair start sticking on your forehead from the heat of the room. Spencer’s lips were inches from yours, sharing the same breath. 

“Fuck I’m gonna fill you up so good. Let everyone here know you’re mine.”

All you could do was nod and moan in approval. His grip on you was deadly but it was just adding onto the immense pleasure you were feeling. The way he was repeatedly hitting your gpot had your vision blurry with stars. You could also feel him pulsing inside you knowing he was close to his peak. 

“You look so pretty like this sweetheart. So perfect around my cock.”

You wrapped your legs around his waist bringing him impossibly closer, “I want you to cum in me Spence. I need to feel it,” you mewled into his lips. 

This motivated him to start drilling into you. At this point you were panting, aching to feel the sweet release. His hand dipped down to rub on your clit, he groaned at the slippery mess where you both met. 

“Oh god Spence!” 

A high pitched moan escaped your lips as he added on the extra pleasure. Soon enough you were squeeing around him, ready to milk him for all he was worth. 

“That’s it baby. Keep doing that. I’m gonna stuff you with my cum y/n/n fuck,” he said drawing out the last syllable as he exploded inside you. 

He stayed inside as you both caught your breathes, slowly thrusting trying to fill you to the brim. 

He pulled out and looked for a roll of paper towels for you to clean up. Once that was done you helped each other tame your hair and outfits as you always did, with quiet and loving gazes. 

“Do you think that one did the job?” you said with a smirk. 

“Well statistically the pill contraceptive has a 7% failure rate so with my calculations there is a chance,” he said while smoothing down your hair. 

“Thanks genius,” you said lightly punching his arm, “Lets get out of here. Together.” 

“Together,” he said slinging an arm around your shoulders. 

a/n; so guys what do we think. im not gonna lie i kinda hate it but i think it was a good ending for everyone. kinda feel bad anderson didn’t get the whole truth but the cheating is OVER! also what did we think of what pregnancy scare?? let me know lovies!!!

[darisu-chan]

Appearances Can Be Deceiving

I’m back with another one-shot, this time a hilarious adventure with Isshin I had always wanted to write, and only had the chance now.

You can also read it here.

Prompt: “it’s not what it looks like!” 

Summary: Isshin’s latest attempt at listening through Ichigo’s door finally brings results.

Isshin was enjoying a rare afternoon by himself. It was a Sunday and all of his children were out. Karin was in the park, playing soccer, while Yuzu had gone to a friend’s house to bake brownies. Even Ichigo had gone to the movies with his friends ─at least Isshin really hoped they were, in fact, in the movies, and not out saving the world from yet another power-thirsty villain. Being alone meant that he could get to relax in ways he never could these days. He began by boiling water in a kettle, and taking out a tea mix he had been eager to try (call him old fashion, but he preferred mixes to bags). While the water boiled, he went and grabbed the book he had bought around a year ago, that he had never gotten to read. Taking out his favorite mug, he poured the water and added the tea. Isshin blew on it and then took a hearty sip. Ah. It was perfect. With his mug in hand, he made his way to the living room, ready to get down to read. However, just as he had sat down, he heard a weird noise. For a few seconds he sat on the couch, perplexed. When the noise wasn’t heard again, he opened his book, a novel about a man whose children were always getting into trou─

Thud

Huh. There it was again. Isshin looked up, down and sideways but could not pin point exactly where it had come from. Nothing had fallen down as far as he could see. It hadn’t even sounded as something hitting the floor, it was more like the sound of─

Thud

Thudthudthudthud

That piqued his interest. As the noises had sounded close together, he finally realized whatever that was, was coming from upstairs. Leaving both the book and the mug on top of the coffee table, Isshin slowly stood up, careful of not making noises. He then tiptoed as he went upstairs. His first instinct was to think there was a burglar. It was still early and bright outside for a robbery, but you never know these days. Then, he thought it could have been related to the Soul Society. It was no secret to him that several Shinigami often came to his house in search of his son. So far none had seen him, and for that he was glad, because he really couldn’t imagine what Rangiku and Toshirou-kun would think of seeing him again after so many years, living a human life. They would probably beat his ass fir disappearing all those years ago. Still, peeking into Ichigo’s room wouldn’t hurt. He had to make sure no foe was after his son.

As Isshin approached the door, he heard the thud even more strongly. Jackpot! He was about to slam the door open when he noticed there were voices coming from the room. Sure enough, they sounded exactly like Ichigo and Rukia-chan. The father blinked, for a moment left taken aback. Weren’t they watching a movie? His surprise gave way to shock when he heard what sounded distinctly like a feminine moan. Not wasting another minute, he pressed his ear to the door.

“Don’t be so loud, Rukia.” It was Ichigo who was talking. His voice husky.

“I-I can’t h-help it.” The girl all but whined.

Isshin almost yelped.

No.

It couldn’t be!

Where they…?

Thud

Moan

Thudthudthud

Oh.

They totally were.

They were going at it hard, by the sounds of it.

And with him in the house too!

What a pair of rascals!

(Though Isshin couldn’t really fault them. They had been apart for seventeen long months. If his dear Masaki and he had been separated for so long when they were young, he was sure they probably wouldn’t have left the room in a week. Maybe even more.)

He almost laughed to himself. Of course. He tended to forget sometimes that his soon was a teenager, a healthy one at that. He would definitely have urges, especially being so close to such a beautiful girl he was totally in love with, because, come on, Ichigo was in love with Rukia. There was no other explanation to his moodiness whenever she was gone. Isshin smiled. If this kept up, one day he would be the proud grandfather of a cute little child. He wondered if the baby would look more like his son or like Rukia-chan. Perhaps the kid would even look like Masaki. He couldn’t wait!

Isshin’s happiness was over, however, when he realized this was not the first time he had heard sounds coming from his son’s room. Each previous time had ended up in disappointment at finding Ichigo and Rukia-chan were most definitely not engaging in adult activities. Could this be a fake alarm too?! No! That would dampen his dreams of a child with orange hair and violet eyes! In a split second, the father decided to keep listening and put an ear to the door once more. He listened to more thuds. Closing his eyes, Isshin tried to imagine what they could be doing that could elicit such noises. The most obvious reason would be repeatedly banging against the bed. Yet, it could also come from the desk, the wall… or even the closet…

Could Ichigo be on those leagues now?!

His nose started bleeding.

No, Isshin, you gotta focus!

Shaking his head, he resumed thinking. There was a chance one of them was jumping on the bed, although that wouldn’t necessarily explain the moans. And speaking of which,

“Ah… aaaahhh.”

“Rukia! I told you to be quiet! Dad’s home and he doesn’t know we’re in here.”

“I-it’s your f-fault! Y-you’re g-going t-too… ah… har-aaah”

Thudthudthudthud

“C-can’t help it. We rarely get the chance to be like this.”

“I-ichigo.”

“Hmmm. That’s how I like it. Keep saying my name, Rukia.”

Yep.

They were having sex.

Now, any other father would have probably been alarmed, but not Isshin. He completely understood his son. It was a Shiba man thing to be passionate to a fault, and that did not exclude bedroom activities. Why, he could still remember that time Ryuuken had accidentally walked in on Masaki and him at the clinic on his off day. The man had screeched bloody murder, and though they had been interrupted, it had been a funny anecdote to retell during family reunions. Ryuuken always got red in the face, but it wasn’t as if he was one to talk. He still remembered the time Masaki had overheard him and Kanae-san having some alone moments in his room. Ah! To be young and in love!

Then, as if he had been drenched by a bucket of ice cold water, Isshin froze.

How could he be so dumb as to forget?!

Worry that the two weren’t using protection suddenly overcame him. Though he had given the talk to Ichigo as extensively as possible, he was reminded of the fact his son was a horny teen who tended to be reckless. Then there was Rukia who probably had no idea about human contraceptives. It was a recipe for disaster. More exactly, it was exactly how one got pregnant. Oh, he didn’t even want to imagine it! Not only would his own son become a teenage father, he would knock up Rukia, aka the sister of one of the most protective captains in the Soul Society, without being married. There was no way Byakuya-kun would not want to castrate Ichigo, or worse, kill him for good. No! Isshin could not allow that to happen. He loved his son too much to let him die by the hands of a very pissed off Shinigami. He needed to make sure the two of them were being safe or, at the very least, stop them before Ichigo could reach past the point of no return.

Opening the door as fast as he could, Isshin barged in screaming, “No, son! Don’t do it! I don’t want you to die!”

“What the hell, old man?!”

He opened his eyes, which had been closed beforehand, and instead of seeing the images his perverted mind had concocted of his son and third daughter bare naked on the bed (or perhaps in other places of the room), he saw both of them, fully dressed, attempting to tickle one another.

“Wha─?” He blurted out, dumbfounded.

“What are you doing here?! And why did you come in like that?!” Ichigo complained, finally sitting down on his bed properly, and he crossed his arms, clearly annoyed.

“B-but… what… I thought you… you were…”

“Where what?”

“I thought you were at the movies!” Isshin exclaimed.

His son sighed. “Plan got cancelled. Keigo came up with the flu and pretty much got everyone sick. Rukia and I are hiding here.”

That made sense.

But…

“And what were you doing in here with the door closed?” He asked, suspiciously.

At least the two had the decency to blush. “It-it’s not what it looks like!” Both stammered.

“We were just having a tickle fight.”

“A tickle fight?” He was still not buying it.

“Yeah, a tickle fight.” Ichigo nodded. “Just that.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

“Hmm.”

“But why did you barge in?” He questioned.

“Yeah, and why did you say Ichigo was going to die?” Rukia-chan asked him.

Isshin felt ashamed. He wasn’t about to tell them what he thought was going down. His son already thought he was a pervert, he didn’t need to add to that. “Well, I heard strange noises and thought you were being attacked! That’s right! I was concerned!”

Both teens raised an eyebrow as they looked at each other. Finally, Ichigo looked back at him. “Eh… Alright… Though if I was being attacked, I doubt I’d go down that easily.”

“Yeah… right…”

“Are you gonna go now?”

“Huh? Oh yeah! Continue whatever you were doing! I won’t bother you anymore!”

On that note, Isshin dashed out of the room and back to the living room. Once by himself, he started chuckling to himself. Of course his son was still too innocent to be doing such activities. Well, maybe if he waited longer until he was older, he’d be more rational and remember to use protection, so that his poor father wouldn’t have to worry about his untimely demise due to sakura petals.

“Eh. One day I’ll get my grandkids.” He muttered, opening his long forgotten book.

Unbeknownst to him, back in Ichigo’s room, the two young Shinigami had collapsed on the bed. If he had taken time to notice, he would’ve seen how ruffled their clothes were, and that Ichigo was wearing his shirt backwards.

“That was too close.” Rukia complained, burying her head on the pillow.

“This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t been so loud.” Ichigo retorted, grumpily joining her on the bed.

“I told you I couldn’t help it!” She defended herself, blushing.

“Che. You’re right. I love listening to you like that.” He grinned, tenderly caressing her cheek.

Rukia coughed before continuing. “It’s your fault, anyway. You forgot to lock the door.”

“Fuck.” Ichigo cursed as he stood up.

“Where are you going?”

“To lock the damn door!”

Rukia smirked impishly at him. “Oh? So Kurosaki-kun wants to go back to playing?”

“Don’t call me like that, and you bet! Or what? You wanna stop? You weren’t close yet.”

“Nu-uh. Give it to me, Kurosaki Ichigo.”

“Do you want all of it?”

“Hell yes!”

More thudding could be heard, but Isshin ignored all of it. It was no possible the noise could mean anything more than a tickle fight… right?

Sadly, he was unaware that, for the first time ever, he had been absolutely right.

Thudthudthudthud

[cozycryptidcorner]

Here is a match for the wonderful @atalantaroars

“Okay: I'm 25, F, Bi, and INFP-T. My hobbies are singing, writing, and reading (scifi/fantasy and nonfiction-history mostly). I really enjoy nature and feel the most calm in water or surrounded by trees or hills. I am an avid learner; I enjoy video essays, history & science lectures, teaching myself code, ect. I am good at being social-able, am often told I'm funny and articulate, but I'm not great at being genuinely vulnerable and can run hot/cold in terms of romance as I flip flop on if I truly want to expose my actual emotions and experiences to someone. I would want someone who I could talk to about anything; I have a lot of interests and thoughts and want to hear other ppl's. Someone who is truthful and enjoys being silly and playful wouldn't hurt! Also I'm a really annoying cuddle bug so they're gonna have to bear that cross for sure.”

You have been matched with a Potamoi! The Potamoi are the male siblings to the Oceanids, the children of the deities Oceanus and Tethys, and are the minor gods of Earth’s many bodies of water. While the Earth has many major rivers, some of them are just so long, that the Potamoi and Oceanids have to double, sometimes triple up to keep everything running smoothly. It’s a good thing, though, since there are about three thousand of them each in existence, so everyone gets a job, and no one is left out. You can blame their parents for an eternity of porking without contraceptives for that, but at least the world is big enough so that no water-based territorial wars need to be fought.

Your Potamoi is the patron of a local stream, and since most people seem respectful of nature in the area, he’s a very chill and laid back water god. While people might think that those with bodies built like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson might use those strong muscles to battle others, he seems satisfied with his place as the guardian of the stream. His rippling abs are the only thing about him that stays stagnant, as his appearance tends to fluctuate between the days. Sometimes, he has a long, iridescent tail snaking down his waist and into the water, scales glittering in the moonlight. Other times, two buff, muscular legs, with a bull’s head atop his neck, making it easy to mistake him for a minotaur, and well, the resemblance is there so he can’t quite blame anyone for that.

His bull’s head is a bronze, tawny hide, horns black and long. It’s certainly something else to behold, and it often scares off anyone who comes across him. It’s a good shape to take if there is any threat of violence, and your Potamoi likes to call it his ‘war body.’ His other form is more merfolk-like, his face a bit human-esque when he is in his ‘fishy’ state, his tan features sharp. His eyes are startlingly large and seemingly innocent, irises a gentle blue, as bright and warm as the sky on a cloudless summer day. His hair is long and brown, the same shade as his bull hide, falling past his waist and is usually braided. He’ll let you play with the strands if you ask him oh so sweetly.

One of his favorite pastimes is to take care of and hang out with the animals who flock to his stream for water. He seems to genuinely care about the affairs of the forest’s natural wildlife, in relation to humans and others, and will often tell you of the gossip going around. The deer, it turns out, are somewhat notorious for trampling around the rabbit’s areas willy-nilly, and the poor little bunnies have just about had it. The ravens, too, like to chitter and fight amongst themselves with your Potamoi as their only negotiator for both parties.

Your Potamoi is so attuned to the surrounding nature, he seems to be able to sense whatever goes on within his stream, whether it be a tadpole hatching or a bobcat taking a minute to drink. One time, just to test his ability, you go downstream without greeting him first, taking off your shoes, and dipping your legs into the water. Your Potamoi appears a minute later, bursting from the surface just a few moments later, curious as to why you would follow an unusual trail rather than going to him directly like you always do.

When the two of your first met, he was busy talking with one of the deer, gently petting her back as he tries to calm her down. Even though you could only understand one half of the conversation, it soon becomes clear that the poor deer is distressed by the presence of humans in the forest, as they often bring weapons of calamity to hunt her tribe. Your Potamoi is working on calming her down from her hysterical cries, talking to her in a calm, gentle tone, and you see it working in the way that the deer gradually stops thrashing about. You fight the urge to speak up to them because you know that this is a conservation forest and that no one is allowed to hunt on these lands, but you stay silent, afraid of… well, the hulking presence in the lake.

The moment the deer is sent away, though, your Potamoi says, “I know you’re out there, at least do me the service of showing your face.”

Quietly, you wait, hoping that he might be referring to the other person hiding out in the woods, eavesdropping on his conversation. When no one else fesses up, though, you do as he asks, slinking out from behind the trees and standing by the banks of the stream. Only now do you realize his size in relation to yours, his hulking presence taking up so much space you wonder how he’s never been seen before. After all, you would think that such an impressive, prominent figure hanging around in the forest might catch an eye or two, letting rumors fly free, but you’ve heard nothing.

Still, you bring up what you had been thinking while listening on. “It’s illegal to hunt on these grounds.”

“Will that stop everyone?” He surprises you by asking.

“It’ll stop most people.” You try to think of any reports on illegal hunting, and can’t remember any. “I mean… I’m just trying to be reassuring.”

For a moment, he doesn’t say anything, then he offers you a single, slight nod. “That is kind of you.”

“I guess… I guess I’ll leave, then,” you say, only a tad bit nervous. When he doesn’t stop you, you go back to the town to think the encounter over. To say that it was odd would be a gross understatement, but you hadn’t actually felt threatened, or unhappy while you were with him; instead, you were drawn. He has a sort of magnetic aura surrounding him, so it doesn’t take you very long to return to the forest.

He’s there, and also doesn’t seem to be hindered by your presence, like you had thought might be the case while you were walking. Actually, your Potamoi appears to be happy that you’re back? The two of you begin to talk, just about things in general, how the two of you lead so very different kinds of lives. He seems to enjoy your perspective, and you like hearing about the peacefulness of his.

Talking with him is like a breath of fresh air, mainly because he’s so… different from anyone else, almost like he exists in a bubble wholly apart from this world as you know it. He’s been around for as long as the water has, so he had seen and interacted with your kind, back when they were barely anything more than a feral tribe. He also isn’t quite aware of what humans are up to outside of the forest, so he’s a bit ignorant on stuff like wars and skirmishes and reality tv show stars, as nothing really touches this part of the land.

[edyacouky]

Stressful Week

Ok so I just wanted write a little something about this post 

Don’t know if I will write a “completed” story or just that or just some scene ...

Hope you will at least like what I give you （＾ω＾）

Read on AO3

Can be read on Tumblr : Next

                                                 -*-*-*-

“Hood is down. Almost scream Damian panicked in his communicator

-What happened Robin? Ask Bruce. Are you alright?

-It was Scarecrow. The clues were here to ambush here with him.”

Bruce almost swears. Only a voice sounded like Alfred in his head prevented him.

“You were shot with fear gaz.”

Not really a question. Crane is not strong enough to fight against a kitty so Red Hood and Robin. No, he uses his fear gas not only by sadistic but also because it is the only way he can win a fight.

“Not me. Only Red Hood.”

Bruce frowns. He want be relieved. Better have one of his sons compromised that two. But Jason always reacts badly to the gaz. And he was suppose wear a mask. How hard was he punching in the face so that it can’t protect him?

“Are you hurt? Did Hood have a concussion?

-No. No.”

A scream interrupt Damian. He gulps when continues:

“We realize it was Scarecrow too late. The gas was already release. He … I … I am sorry … I didn’t take a mask … I forgot mine was broken with the last Jo… Clown’s attack and I didn’t …

-Robin. Interrupt Bruce. You did nothing wrong.

-Yes I did!”

Despite Damian assure him he didn’t was infect by the gas, he really sound hysterical.

“I … He … he make me wear his mask …Father I …

-I am here in a few second, Robin. Breath and don’t come too close of Hood.”

When Jason is like that he can be dangerous.

“I am sorry about Scarecrow too …

-Everything is fine, Robin. Pennyone inform Red Robin and Batgirl. Breathe. I am here.”

Before exist the Batmobile, Bruce put his mask. He didn’t enter by the front door. Not taking the chance fails in an ambush despite how much he want hug his sons.

Fortunately, Damian was telling him the true. Scarecrow was gone. No one, except his sons and him, was there.

He comes near them calmly, for not threat Jason.

Jason is curled up on the floor, shaking violently. Shouting and panting. He seems unable to stop crying, making his breathing harder. For now, he didn’t seem see Bruce yet.

Damian didn’t listen to him and was seat beside Jason, holding his hand. With the strength he seems to put, it must be painful. But Damian still wear Jason’s mask so Bruce can’t tell if he was ok.

“I don’t know how calm him” Damian desperate

Bruce can’t help but smile. Damian tries to hide how good he is. Perhaps he is afraid of being rejected. But his son is deeply caring. Sometimes he wishes he wasn’t. He can’t forget that was what hurt his other children, what killed Jason.

“You did well, Robin. Come here now. I don’t want Jason hurt you while I inject him the antidote.

-I think we have to take the risk.”

He tries to let go Jason’s hand but it make Jason put more strength in his grip.

“Ok. We will have made sure you stay behind me.”

Bruce is sure that Damian rolled his eyes but said nothing.

Patiently, he comes near them. Watching as Jason react to his approach.

He must make a louder sound because Jason suddenly looks at him. At first, Bruce want take off the cowl but he knows it is a bad idea. Who knows who can watch them?

He gets ready in case Jason reacts violently and he has to use force to inject the antidote

And Jason reacts violently, but not the way he expects him to do.

His cries redoubled and he extended his other hand to Bruce.

“D… Dad … Please …”

His eyes were so full of despair and terrified. Bruce can see Jason when he was twelve years old and so lost and frightened by the world. Now he has just twenty years old.

Bruce removed his glove to allow Jason to feel it despite the scent blocker. He was hopping that scent Omega’s scent (can he hope enough to think his Dad’s scent?) will calm him enough.

Jason loved against his wrist without hesitation. It seems calm a little his nerves.

“Everything will be alright Hood. I will give you the antidote, ok? Keep breathing.

-Father … I don’t think he breathes at all. Damian whispered scared

-It would be alright.”

Bruce doesn’t lose any more time and take the syringe containing the antidote. Damian helps him by lowered Jason's armor top collar.

Because of the shot pain, Jason press more against Bruce’s wrist with a painful moan and he almost broke Bruce and Damian’s hand.

“It would be alright. Shh. Everything will be alright.”

The dosage doesn’t seem enough to completely cure Jason, but it was enough to calm him down. Finally he starts breathing correctly and his gaze became more lucid.

“Everything will be alright.”

While they carry Jason to the Batmobile, Alfred informed them of the latest events. Scarecrow has been arrested by Batgirl and Red Robin, Nightwing secure all the civil who were touched by the attack and Batwoman and Oracle succeed find the shipment, prevent the Crane’s plan to succeed.

Good. Bruce can focused on heal Jason.

Jason who refuses first to let him go when they arrive to the car.

“Hood, I need to drive and I can’t if you hold me.

-I can drive! Damian propose a little too joyful

-No.” Jason groans and take the little pup in his arms

It seems like Jason is more anxious having Damian out of his sight.

“What?! Father!

-Thank you for your sacrifice Robin.

-Father!”

In the car, Bruce takes away his mask and focused on the driving. On the backseat, Jason hugs Damian, trying to press his nose on Damian’s neck and groan when he can’t because of the mask.

“Stupide, useless alpha”. Damian groans and takes away Jason’s mask

Bruce is not sure but he thinks he saw Damian relax when Jason rubbed the top of Damian’s head with his cheek, like older pack member do with the pup.

He will not lie, not inside on his head. But sometimes he thinks Jason doesn’t see them as pack any more, he afraid that Damian doesn’t feeling like he belong with them. So seeing both of his sons like that, despite the circumstance warms his heart.

On the Batcave, with Damian’s collaboration, Jason let him be cured.

“Are you sure that the antidote really works? Jason asks to Bruce when he was more lucid. I don’t feel like it works.

True is Jason reek anxiety. Better than terror but he is still on the edge. If Alfred doesn’t bring some good sense, Damian will be in his arms.

“I will take a blood sample. Are you on medication?

-Just the contraceptive pill.”

Bruce raised an eyebrow.

“What? That doesn’t exist only for Omega you know?

-And you know that doesn’t properly testing?

-Like Omega’s.

-Ok point taken. Did you at most take the one makes by WE? Bruce ask while taking him his blood

-What exactly your enterprise doesn’t make?”

Bruce grins and start the analysis.

“Littlewing ! Dick yell. Little D ! Are you alright?

-I am fine.” Damian said when the Beta hugs him

He trade one bothering older brother for another. Damian sighs.

“Let me go now Grayson.”

Without listen to Damian’s complaint, Dick ask :

“And you, Jason?

-I am fine.

-He is lying. Antidote doesn’t seem work well.

-Fuck Demon Brat.”

As Damian expected, Dick let him after one long kiss in his forehead to go see properly Jason.

“What is mean the antidote doesn’t work?” Dick ask scenting Jason

Beta are maybe less sensitive to smell like Alpha and Omega but that doesn’t mean it is useless.

“It works. Jason tries to say. Just not good enough.

-God Littlewing ! You stink !

-Fuck you ! Jason yells while Damian laughs at him

-Are you sure you should be here? Maybe you will feel better on a room or in the kitchen with some tea.

-No he better stays here until we know exactly why the antidote doesn’t work. Who know what trigger can provoke a crisis.” Bruce answer

Dick and Jason roll their eyes and exchange an accomplice look at that.

“And it is for that I am still in the cave and not at home.” Jason said

Even if the last month Jason feels more comfortable with Bruce’s pack, he doesn’t feel at ease in the manor. For him, his home is with Roy, on Kory’s island or in their loft.

Shit, maybe now it isn’t the right time to think about the Omega. Suddenly he can’t help himself but worry if Roy is safe and sound.

What if one of Roy’s experimentation fails and explodes? What if one of their enemies attacks and he is not there to help him? What if Roy forgets to eat? What if he slips and broke his neck? What if …? What if …?

“God ! Jason, breathes. What happen? He stink fear more than one second before!”

Now, Dick is worry. Why Dick is worry? What happen? Did something bad happen? Is someone hurt?

“Jason ! Inhales.” Bruce order

Hearing the voice of the leader pack, but also the First Omega of the pack, Jason obeying without thinking.

“Now exhale. Good. Again. Inhale. Exhale.”

Bruce repeat the order until Jason doesn’t him to while Dick hugs again Damian who didn’t put down Jason’s mask.

“Sorry … sorry …

-That fine. You did nothing wrong. Just keep breathing, ok?”

Jason feeling tired nods and didn’t riposte when Bruce hug him. He feels better surrounded by Bruce’s scent.

Bips coming from the computer startled them. Jason coughed and shoved Bruce who let himself go to look at the results. Dick gently put his hand on Jason's shoulder.

“Oh. Bruce said surprised. You’re going on rut.

-What? Already? Which day is it? Jason said confused

-You don’t take a track of that?

-Well yeah … Normally but I was distracted lately. Wait. What does it have to do with that?

-The gas seems disrupt yours hormones.

-Beside my rut?”

Rut and heat don’t make alpha and omega mindless with only the desire to making children. They can still think, but their hormones messed with their attitude. For example, they cry more easily, yell for nothing, but it is true they can be hornier too.

And now on top of that, the gas fear messed his head making him anxious.

“The antidote works but whiles your rut you will still be anxious.

-You mean I have an all week where I panicked for everything? Jason ask irritated

-I think that more day pass calmer you will be.

-But I am compromise until my rut end?!”

Bruce’s silence tell enough.

“Fuck.”

                                                -*-*-*-

Tadaam ! Hope you enjoy it  (〜^∇^)〜

Have a nice day !

[thenovelartist]

The Love Dare, chapter 14

~ AO3 ~ Fanfiction ~ Support me on Ko-Fi ~

<<<First   <<Prev 

Day 40

Love is a covenant.

The words rolled around Adrien’s mind as he took his time setting up candles for the evening. They agreed to meet here, on the Eiffel Tower, just like they used to do. It had been Marinette’s idea when she brought up how much she missed being Ladybug.

And Adrien had to admit he didn’t realize how much he missed being Chat Noir until he transformed and began running through the city.

He’d bring up the possibility of doing this again, of having this become their bonding time just like it used to be when they “patrolled” the city.

Just as he lit the last candle, Ladybug swung in. Chat straightened, standing tall in pride at his work of setting up candles and flowers everywhere on this little spot high above everywhere else.

She looked over the scene, her eyes wide as she took it in. “Oh, kitty,” Ladybug whined, her eyes soft as she crossed her hands over her chest. “You didn’t have to do this.”

His heart swelled. “For my lady, anything. Do you like it?”

“It’s beautiful.”

His grin widened. “I’m glad.”

She set the bag filled with their dinner on the ground before walking up to him and throwing her arms over his shoulders. Instantly, he swooped her up, holding her tightly against his chest as he lifted her feet off the ground. They stayed like that for a while before Chat lowered her back to the ground.

“Thank you,” she whispered in his shoulder.

“For you, milady, the world.”

She squeezed him tightly one last time before slipping from his grasp. She took a breath, clearly composing herself before swiping at her eyes. “I’m going to start crying, and we haven’t even recited vows yet.”

Chat chuckled, though he felt the same way. They had come up here with a purpose, and that purpose was completing the day’s dare: write new vows to recite to your partner.

So they did. They each had spent the day rewriting vows to the other. Adrien remembered the first time he wrote vows, he spent days agonizing over it. Today, he only had a couple hours to complete it, which was nice in a sense because he knew it didn’t have to be pretty, they just had to be true and earnest.

Though, he wanted them to be pretty. They agreed they would get their vows framed together and use it to replace the picture they killed last week.

Oops.

With a steadying breath, Chat pulled out his copy of his vows from his pocket, just as Ladybug pulled out a copy of hers.

He went first, reciting the vows and promises he wrote down and fully intended to follow. Half way through, she was crying, and he wasn’t far behind. And then he finished with pulling a locket from his other pocket.

Her jaw fell to the ground.

“We may not have rings this time around,” he said. “But I want to give you this as a symbol that I love you and always want to be with you, no matter what challenges we face or other rough spots we hit. I want to fight for this marriage because I nearly made the stupid decision to give it up. And I’m sorry. I’m ready to go forward with this marriage stronger than our partnership ever was.”

Ladybug couldn’t even look him in the eye. She was in complete tears, hands over her mouth, as she stared at the necklace. A heart that he had engraved with “Love Dares.”

Carefully, he cracked it open so she could see two pictures. One of them on their wedding day, and one of them as superheroes snuggled together. He owed Alya big time for helping him with that. “May I put it on you?”

“Please.”

He walked up behind her and carefully draped the necklace around her neck. He clasped it, and she immediately reached up to hold the locket that sat right at her collarbone. “I love it,” she said. “I love it.”

“I’m glad,” he said, hugging her from behind. She melted into him, tears still pouring down her face just as a couple slipped down his cheeks.

They stayed like that for a little while longer before Ladybug turned in his arms. “I still have vows to recite to you.”

He smiled, his heart warm. “Okay.”

Just as he suspected, she reduced him to tears with her vows and promises. “And,” she continued. “I knew we wouldn’t have rings this time, either. So I have a little something else to present you with. Something you could keep with you to remember that our time together is precious.”

She slipped over to the bag she’d brought and pulled out a little black box. His heart leapt. She got him something? She was busy all day but still managed to get him something?

With a smile, she opened the box, revealing a pocket watch.

He’d carry that thing with him the rest of his life.

Carefully, he picked it up from the box and looked it over, realizing that it had been engraved, too.

Time is Love

Through his tears, he sniggered. “It’s a pun.”

Her smile grew as a giggle slipped out. “I know.”

He opened it, and in the lid of the watch, there was a picture of them. One from their honeymoon that had been snapped as a candid but was so precious since Marinette was in a Ladybug dress and Adrien was decked in black with hints of green and silver.

“I love it,” he said, closing it and holding it against his chest. “I love it so much.”

“I’m glad.”

With that, he kissed her. Long and hard and fervently. Because this was his wife and the most precious treasure he could ever hope to find.

And he would spend the rest of his life proving that to her.

…

Five weeks later

Marinette and Adrien agreed that they needed continue kwami counseling. They each were messes and knew they still had a lot to work through. Plus, it was time together, spilling secrets the other may not have been privy too and strengthening their bond in the process.

However, it was halfway through this week’s counseling session that Marinette felt positively sick to her stomach.

“Marinette?”

Oh, was it her turn to talk? “I… sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”

With a concerned expression, Adrien reached for her hands. “Are you feeling all right? You look really pale.”

Marinette nodded, but the second she shifted on the couch, her stomach roiled and she began adamantly shaking her head.

Next thing she knew, she was running toward the bathroom.

“Marinette!”

She barely lifted the lid to the toilet before her stomach emptied all its contents into it. Adrien was by her side soon enough, pulling her hair out of the way and rubbing her back soothingly.

Eventually, her stomach had nothing left to give up. Feeling exhausted and sweaty, she reached up to flush the toilet, making it disappear.

“Better?” Adrien asked, not stopping the soothing circles on her back.

She gave a nod, unable to answer.

“Do you want some water?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” he said, standing up. “Do you want to stay here, or do you want me to help you to bed?”

She thought about moving, but that sounded very unappealing. “Stay here.”

“Okay.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head before walking out of the bathroom toward the kitchen.

…

“Plagg,” Tikki said, looking off toward the bathroom where her charge had bolted off to.

“Yeah, Tikki?”

“Adrien agreed to go to the store today, right?”

Plagg looked at her suspiciously. “Why?”

“I need you to get something.”

…

When Adrien came back from the store, Marinette was feeling well enough to help put everything away.

“Thank you, bugaboo.”

“Of course, kitty.”

“I’m just glad you’re feeling better.”

“Yeah,” Marinette said, grabbing the bag full of bathroom supplies. “Me too.”

Adrien shot her a smile just as she headed toward the bathroom, but this time to put stuff away. She was halfway done when she pulled out an item she knew wasn’t on the list.

“Adrien?”

“Yeah?”

She appeared into the kitchen, holding up the little rectangular box. “Ummm… are you trying to tell me something?”

His brow furrowed as he stared at the item. “I didn’t get that.”

“I did,” Plagg piped up, looking at Adrien. “You’re so clueless; you didn’t even notice I slipped that in.”

Adrien’s eyes narrowed at his kwami. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“But… why?” Marinette asked, waving the box in the air in front of her.

“I asked Plagg to,” Tikki piped in. “I have my suspicions.”

Suddenly, both Marinette and Adrien showed a little more interest in the box.

“You… you think?” Marinette asked.

“When was the last time you or Adrien used contraceptive?”

Marinette’s eyes locked on Adrien’s. They were blushing bright red within seconds because the answer very well could be “not recently enough.”

Partly to hide out of sheer embarrassment, Marinette slipped back down the hall to the bathroom, where she shut the door and took the test.

Before she could find out what the test said, she walked out of the bathroom to finish helping Adrien put the rest of the things away, only to find him right outside the bathroom.

“Well?” he asked.

“I don’t know yet,” she said, siding up to him. “We have to wait.”

His expression fell and his gaze hit the ground. “Oh.”

There was a silence between them.

Slowly, Marinette reached out to slide her hand into his. “What do you want it to be?”

With a confused hum, Adrien looked back at her.

She took a breath. “Do you want it to be positive or negative?”

His brow furrowed. “What kind of question is that?”

Words got caught in her throat for a moment. “I… we just put us back together.”

“So?”

Again, words got caught in her throat, but this time they stayed there.

Adrien smiled. “Sweetheart,” he said, grabbing her other hand and squeezing tightly. “We may have just put us back together, but frankly, I don’t think we’re falling apart any time soon. Not when we both are willing to put in extra work to make sure we don’t end up where we had been. And…” he sighed. “I know we’ve talked about a family before we got married. You know I want one, particularly with you. The fact there could be a baby makes me positively ecstatic.”

She looked at him and his unabashed smile. And she couldn’t help but laugh at him. “You are such a dork.”

“Your dork,” he corrected. “And your husband, and possibly the father of your child.”

Something warmed in her at that. She’d always wanted to be a mother, and now, at the prospect of finally being one…

She glanced behind her at the bathroom.

“You think it’s done yet?” he asked.

“Possibly.”

“Then let’s go see.”

Together, hand in hand, they walked into the bathroom to look at the little pregnancy test on the counter.

And those two lines they saw caused immense joy in the Agreste household.

…

Ten Years Later

Had you asked a teenaged Marinette where she would be now in her life, she would have answered that she had the perfect life: married to Adrien and had three kids and a hamster while she worked as a fashion designer.

Well, she did work as a fashion designer, running her own company. She’d managed to rebrand Gabriel as MDC, which did wonders for increasing the popularity of the company. While yes, she did bear the Agreste name, and proudly, MDC made for some really fancy monograms.

Adrien found it hilarious.

The hamster was scrapped because there was a penchant for cats in the household.

Marinette had to put her foot down at three.

Number four was only because it was a kitten that Emma begged to nurse back to health and she couldn’t say no when her husband and her eldest ganged up on her.

There were three kids, though. There was Emma, her first and most responsible. Then Louis came along two years after that. Next, little Hugo was nearly four.

And then there was little anniversary accident that didn’t have a name yet. But, considering how severe her morning sickness, Marinette was searching for a girl’s name.

Lastly, yes, she was married to Adrien, but to say life had been easy was an outright lie. To think that one day they almost ended everything…

Marinette held her stomach while she looked toward the living room where her three other kids were playing with the cats. This almost wasn’t. Four of the most important people in her life, one she hadn’t even met yet, almost weren’t in existence.

Strong arms encircled her, protectively wrapping around her stomach and pulling her flush against a firm chest, one built from years of fencing, including—much to Marinette’s pride—on the Olympic team. Twice.

MDC may have been a very proud sponsor of one gold Olympic winner and two-time world champion.

“What’s going through that pretty little head of yours, bugaboo?” he whispered.

She sighed, snuggling deeper against him. “Have… have you ever looked at those three or thought of this one,” Marinette held his hand to her slightly bulged stomach, “and thought… that they almost didn’t exist.”

Adrien tensed at that. “Yeah, actually,” he said. “I have. Particularly when I look at Emma, knowing when she was conceived.”

Marinette blushed.

“But,” he continued, “I am so immensely grateful that Tikki and Plagg made us pull our stuff together before we did something we would regret. Heavily. Because yes, we each could have married again, had kids of our own, but knowing that… that you’re the one beside me, that you’re the mother of my children, that we are going through life and facing it together… I would have missed that. And that’s what I would have lived to regret.”

Marinette smiled as she looked toward the framed vows hanging on the wall in the living room of their larger house. They’d had to move when Hugo was born because their first house was too small for two kids. So instead of putting their vows hidden in a hallway, they put it front and center in a room where they could all see it as a reminder that their family was the most important thing in their lives. As their reminder to never give up.

Marinette reached up to grab her locket, one she wore regularly. Adrien hummed as he pulled his watch out of his pocket. Honestly, Marinette hadn’t expected him to wear it as often as he did, but Adrien never left the house without it.

“I love you,” he said, giving her a squeeze and replacing the watch. “You have no idea.”

She smirked. “Well, there are three kids in this house with another on the way. I think that should be some indication.”

Adrien chuckled. “And that right there is why I love you.”

Her smile turned sweet. “I love you, too, kitty. To the end of the world and back.”

He smiled, slipping his left hand over hers, their rings touching as he wove their fingers together. “To the end of the world and back.”

[swishandflickwit]

Jurdan — calling your name in the midnight hour 1/1

(gif not mine)

Summary: Jude learns something important.

jurdan + pregnancy headcanon

Words: 3.2k

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: Major The Wicked King spoilers. Read at your own risk! Also mentions abortion.

AN: Title from the song Here With Me by Susie Suh even though it has nothing to do with Jurdan, just that it's an excellent song suggested to me by my equally excellent bestie!

@acourtoftruelove — this is all your fault. This is all yours.

Happy reading!

Also on: AO3

Other writing

Jude is late.

Late—though not in the sense that she's delayed for an appointment or a meeting. Nor has she tarried from a destination or celebration for too long. No, Jude is never late.

And by Jude she means her period.

(Funny, how even in an inhuman world, contraception is still—at most—97 percent effective)

And Jude hasn't thrown up since her early attempts at mithridatism, and two years it's been since she was taken to the Undersea as prisoner and forced to miss her daily dosage. While the withdrawal had been brutal on her body, her second endeavor at immunization had been met with much success. So she could not possibly be throwing up because of it, and that which ails the Folk rarely affect humans. And symptoms for the same… conditions that both Folk and humans are privy to may manifest differently within her kind. So really, this could only mean one thing.

She is pregnant.

she is pregnant she is pregnant she is pregnant she is about to have a meltdown and oh god she is pregnant

She does not tell Cardan because of course she does not tell Cardan.

There is no point, she tells herself. They are only reigning for five more years. It is Oak who needs successors, not them. And would she really subject another person to this world? Or the better question being could this world—or any world for that matter—be ready for a child made of her and Cardan, born of murder and manipulation and strife and hatred?

(Beyond it being her exclusive power as a human, Jude is simply a professional at telling lies—)

Which leads her to this conclusion: she is not keeping the baby.

There is no point, she repeats. Cardan will not want this baby.

(—especially when she tells lies to herself)

She informs no one and so she procures a poison all on her own. She knows she could have asked the Bomb to do it, but it wasn't exactly a difficult task for Jude.

But really, she just doesn't want anyone to know.

It isn't until a week after this revelation, as she’s staring down a cup filled a quarter of the way with the crushed petals of deathsweet, is she hit with waves of wrongness in the form of a seemingly unending bout of nausea, her heart screaming—no! No, I can't I can't I will not do this!

Because it is becoming all too real—there is a living thing growing inside her. A living thing that never did her any harm. A living thing created by her and Cardan with odds of (at minimum) fifty percent it could be made of the best parts of the both of them. Because Jude may be selfish and blinded by ambition and a murderer, but contrary to popular belief… she isn't heartless.

If anything, Jude is full of heart. You have to be, to be able to love the creature who murdered your parents in cold blood. You have to at least have the capacity for such a love, and Jude is brimming with it. She is an ocean of it, an immeasurable well that overflows despite itself. She cares too damn much, and it has always been her strength weakness.

And Cardan—she remembers the day she found Eldred's jewels, and how he chose to immortalize the memory of Cardan's mother turning him away only for her to pay that little bit of attention to his cruelty. Then Jude remembers the first time she kissed him, the first time she touched him, the way he looked when she uttered her vows.

How in those moments, this King of Darkness had been filled with unfettered radiance and pure light.

That same light that now grows inside her. A part of Cardan that now lives inside her.

So can she do this to him? Could she deny him the selfless and unadulterated love that which only a child untouched by the horrors of the world could provide? Can she refuse him this, like so many—herself she, shamefully, includes—have done before?

She drops the goblet, blood red whorls cascading the length of the ground like blood, deep and thick and red. But so, so alive, that beautiful color of life.

(No, no she cannot)

She storms out of her ensuite, intent on tracking her husband down, only to discover him on her bed. He is seated calmly, blithely, head bowed and eyes averted to the ground, his feet spread on the floor, fingers steepled before him and his elbows resting on his knees—as if the intensity of her thoughts and actions conjured him before her very eyes.

“Cardan,” she breathes, his name falling from her quivering lips like both an anathema and a benediction, and she wishes she could just find a modicum of calm so she can do this properly, so she can do this ri—

“I'm pregnant,” she blurts.

ungracefully, calamitously, deploringly

He peers up at her. His stare is barren and unflinching when he says, “I know.”

She bites her lip, struggling against the surprised gasp that yearns to escape her because of course. Of course he knew. He is the High King of Elfhame. If he can raise islands from the sea, then to sense life is, no doubt, child's play to him—perhaps borderline insulting in its simplicity. Which is what makes her subterfuge all the more repugnant.

“I was going to abort it,” she murmurs, barely above a whisper, as if it would soften the blow. As if it could cushion the rough edges that line her crime.

As if she could lay down a veneer over the ugly heinousness of her sin, absolution waiting to be found in his eyes.

“I know.”

But again, all she is met with is that blank stare and that equally blank tone and that equally blank reply.

“I changed my mind, though.”

A pause, before a quiet, “I know.”

She picks at his carefully crafted inflection and fancies that if she listens hard enough, she is able to discern an emotion behind his voice besides that of the auditory demonstration of the word ‘void’.

But she is no Fae, and even if she was, she probably would not hear anyway because Cardan is just that good. He is good.

So, though she knows the answer, she asks him. She asks him because she needs him to feel something say something else.

“Are you angry?” she mutters, all warbled syllables and watery articulations. And she hates that.

She hates the tremble in her limbs and the cowardly part of her that urges her to curl herself into a protective ball—a part she thought she had long ago killed. She hates how small her voice is when the words escape her traitorous mouth. She hates the way her eyes are resolute in defying her orders by refusing to meet his stare. She is not herself, or at least, it's been an age since she was last this way.

But she no longer entirely belongs to herself, does she? However temporary this may be. She lives and she lives for another. The knowledge that she is responsible for yet another life leaves her feeling utterly vulnerable and incapable, though she knows this is irrational. She is a warrior. She is a murderer who has killed in the name of the crown, her family and herself. She is a queen, and there is power in that. She need not be afraid. But as she faces the consequences of her omission in the form of Cardan's wrath, she is still crippled by the need to know. She needs to hear him say it.

(As if the confirmation would pardon her of her guilt when it would only anchor her to the pain of her actions further, as strained and suffocating as a noose around her neck)

Cardan rises, and shadows seem to gather around him as he prowls gracefully towards her. Her heated skin meets his cold fingers, firm and austere, because it is her and it is Cardan and they are never quite as soft as they should be when it comes to each other. There is a scarcity of kindness in their partnership.

They are not gentle. No, this is her High King, demanding her attention now.

So their eyes meet, a clash of mud and ink and there. There it is. There is that look in his eyes—that hungry rage, that depthless fury for which he had been branded a cruel prince… a wicked king.

Yet beneath it, that aching, turbulent despair too. Barely noticeable and easily overlooked, unless he permits you to see.

Oh, how he desires for her to see.How he thirsts for her suffering.

And she can't even rail against it, against him, because she deserves it.

By god, she deserves it.

And moreso, she hates how everything about being human betrays her—from her moiling, racing heart to the sweat now beading her back and her temples.

(Impetuously, she wonders if their baby will inherit the easy flush of her skin or will it be as pale and ethereal as its father? Will it accede her more human fallibilities or be unquestionably, indomitably Fae in supernatural abilities? Will it be as aloof and cunning as she or as charming and deceptive as he?

Or will their baby be a messy, disastrous, beautiful combination of them both?)

(Their baby, oh god)

Cardan's voice is as low and enticing as a prurient lover when he whispers, "Yes."

She nods. For once, she is resigned. Accepting. And because of it, she strives for some imitation of levity with an arch but ultimately paltry quip of, "Are you going to exile me again?"

But the High King does not laugh.

A stupid joke to begin with, for even if he does exile her, they both know she would find her way back.

(Only she could ever find a way back to him)

Instead, his grip on her chin tightens as his other hand finds her hip.

"Infuriating woman," he coos, even when his touch feels like a howling winter within his palms. "When are you going to realize that you are not alone? That you never have to do anything alone, ever again?"

And that winter penetrates her bones till she is frozen with shock and breathing out a harsh and frigid,"What?"

His hold is hard—bruising—even as his breath remains a cool mist against her ear that makes her shudder, despite herself.

"My personal Atlas," he sighs, "always the weight of the world on her shoulders."

When he pulls back, his eyes remain angry torches within the midnight darkness of the room. But a relieved breath escapes her anyway when he brings their bodies flush against each other and he is receptive to the way she locks her arms around his neck and shackles him to her.

"Make no mistake, Jude. I am angry. But not for the reasons you might think.”

He shakes his head and she is assaulted by the emotion conquering his beautiful visage, the barrage of his disappointment piercing her heart in twisting, deadly ways. Not even his anger has the ability to penetrate the protective barrier she has erected around her emotions the way his disappointment can.

(Because anger is easy. His anger is steam and easily dissipated. But his disappointment is a parasite—infecting first his mind, body and soul then hers, as it burgeons and festers)

“I’m not angry that you didn't want to keep the child. I'm angry that once again, you chose to keep me in the dark. You chose not to trust me enough to share in this with you, that we might decide on a course of action together.”

Another sigh. Another embittered shake of his head. “I thought we were past this.”

“We are—”

“It does not appear that way,” he growls, anger momentarily rousing and taking precedence, before altogether, deflating. “Not where I'm standing.”

(But most of all she hates that too, hates that she is the reason for the anguish that paints his eyebrows into a marred frown, his eyes into a lament and his mouth in defeated angles)

So though it pains her to say it, say it she does because she does trust him. It took forever and a day but yes yes yes she trusts him.

And he needs to know it.

"I was scared," she croaks, barely holding back a sob. "I'm still scared."

Because what the hell did she know about being a mother? About being a parent? She is Madoc’s daughter, and she is every bit the monster he made her and then some. Because if there is anything she's learned from living in Faerie, it's that Monsters maketh Monsters.

So yes, she is scared. She is terrified to bring this child into the world, to bear responsibility for raising this child to not only survive but to live, the best life that she can bestow.

But she is not Atlas. She doesn't have to do this alone, nor does she want to. And... she could know better, right? No, she does know better. She did it for Vivi, and she did it for Oak and for Taryn. She did it for Cardan, and Cardan has done it for her. They are what their Masters made them, true, but their child does not have to be the same. They could forge it anew. They could mold it into something else. Something better—born of Monsters but made of goodness and kindness and effulgence.

(Because yet another thing she's learned from Faerie—has discovered within herselfis even monsters learn to love their misdeeds)

She would give this babe what her mother was unable to give her and she would provide it tenfold. Because she knows better. They know better.

And she has to believe it.

She has to believe in him, too.

“And you think I'm not?” he starts haltingly, before resolution cements his glare.

“I made you a vow, wife. You are to be my queen and my bride, in every sense of the word. Even this,” he rasps, as he lets go of her chin and shifts his touch to her stomach.

“Especially this.”

She's crying in earnest now. Not the pretty and delicate way that most of the Folk do, but a deluge of salt and snot that drowns her face.

“Anything I've ever done right, all that is good in my life… it has been because of you. You are madness personified and Leannán Sídhe incarnate.” She sucks in a sharp breath at his acrid timbre. “But,” he hums after a leaden period of silence—a susurrous proclamation that is made all the more potent for its tenderness.

“You are the rhyme and the reason, the chaos and the utopia. A symptom of my most fevered dreams and a cure from my bedeviled reality. Were I a minstrel or a bard, my every beginning, middle and end would be composed of you. And were I a fool,” and here his breath hitches, “then may I only be a fool in love with you.”

She has forgotten how to speak, at this point. She has forgotten how to breathe.She has forgotten everything—everything except for the way Cardan looks and thinks and speaks and feels. For he may have once written her name repeatedly across a piece of paper, but she's got him written extensively across her heart.

“Whatever happens, whoever this becomes,” trepid fingers mark a shaky path beneath her chemise till he is cosseting the currently imperceptible bump of her stomach, “this is not a mistake. We are not a mistake.”

(She believes in him. She believes in them. She believes, she believes, she believes)

"I am still angry.”

It is her turn to say, ruefully, “I know.”

“But I made you a vow, Jude Duarte,” he recurs in deceptively smooth intonations. “And I intend to keep it.” His stare is intent with mockery and his voice pointed and goading as he issues his challenge.

“Do you?”

She's hurt him. She knows she has.

So she doesn't take his bait. No, she rather tempers his ire by joining his hand resting lightly over her stomach with her own, the one where the ruby ring he once stole now makes a home of her ring finger, digits entwining in a physical manifestation of their matrimonial pronouncements.

“I do,” she promises, so very soft and fragile and achingly, heart-wrenchingly human.But devout and sincere and wholly free of deceit all the same. “Till the crown has passed from our hands,” she avows.

(Again and again and again, she will swear by it)

For the first time in this entire conversation, he smiles. Brittle and vascillant and crooked, too—a fragment in the perfect symmetry of his face.

But it is a smile. And there is a certain serenity to the curl of his mouth, the curve of one upturned cheek... and so she takes it. She takes the small and broken smile because it is still his smile, and it is better than anger and disappointment. It is better than nothing.

He presses his forehead to hers, breathing her in—tears, sweat, desperation and all.

“And maybe even then.”

She traces his lips before cupping his cheek. He leans into her touch like someone starved of food and drink instead of the revered monarch that he truly is, one who has yet to be denied anything.

(Not this—not affection and not love. Never again, she affirms, if only to herself this time. Because Jude is an ocean of love, an immeasurable well that overflows despite itself. Because she cares too damn much, and it has always been her weakness strength)

“And maybe even then,” she echoes, quietly hoping for maybe to mean definitely.

And so it does. Slowly, gradually. Like the constantly shifting plates beneath her feet or the everlasting revolution of the earth. But earthquakes erupt and new years come and go as the planet completes its circuit around the sun and along with it—

They prevail.

Till even then becomes nine months later and the birth of a new line of Greenbriars in the form of their first son, who is strong and healthy and beautiful and every bit the refulgent soul his parents dare hoped he would be.

Till even then turns into thirteen prosperous years of rule in what many will call "The Amber Age of Elfhame", so named for its silver king and its golden queen, and the clever and competent way they maintained peace throughout the kingdom as if it were an insect trapped in amber.

Till even then morphs into the birth of five more children, Greenbriar in name only, for unlike their ancestors, they all loved each other with a fierce passion and an unyielding loyalty that to turn on each other felt to them, like a keen death in itself.

Till even then dissolves them of their previous vows so they form new ones, vows that go beyond their desire to wed, beyond the passing of the crown, beyond life and death and everything in between.

Till even then blossoms into forevermore.

AN: This is my first ever FOTA fic. It was originally in headcanon format so I'm sorry if the pacing is off but, I hope you enjoyed it anyway!

Feedback is appreciated lovelies :)

Come say hi to me!

[problematicthoughtsandsonglyrics]

Part two

-“I swear if you pour that water on your corndog I’m gonna kill myself”

-“The powder works so much better”

-“Ah. Ah. Don’t make a lot of noise” (wish I remembered context for this one)

-“He’s going to smite me during second period”

“You’re going to get smitten bro”

-“I’m going to aggressively Gangnam style to Africa”

-“Wow, I don’t remember drinking this much water, ever”

-“I look like I’m walking like a godforsaken penguin”

-“All liberals are suicidal”

-“My dad is a giant teddy bear. Her dad, on the other hand, is who you should be scared of”

-“If my dad wanted to hide a body you’d never find it”

-“There are so many hoes at this school. That’s all I have to say to you”

-“I’m getting a headache where’s my chocolate”

-“Skinny banana? Don’t you mean Jacob’s penis?”

-“Wait let me write something” *proceeds to write Osama Bin Laden under religious leaders*

-“Well what happens if he makes a sandwich out of your body?”

“That’s cannibalism. But cannibalism will solve overpopulation and world hunger”

-“Last time I had a banana I realized you could stick a straw in it and blow and it makes the banana warm”

-“I can’t find the furry mask”

-“I want a Lightning McQueen waffle maker”

-“I need to download a Disney XD wallpaper right now”

-“Life’s not easy being green”

-“I’m gonna run Mr Woodfield up on my dick”

-“I have a new conditioner... I mean follower”

-“We should all get lockets and put a picture of Shaggy in them”

-“Kind of like when a car passes by you really fast and makes this noise” (he did the nyoom sound)

-“You should be a car Mr Childress”

-“Get that finance over here. Let me get. That. Tax.”

-“I wanna go home and eat ratatouille right now”

-“I don’t have a nice face so that leaves one thing. My ass”

-“Ben Shapiro is gonna kill all the liberals”

-“I made a fucky wucky, my bad”

-“No, dude, he would hear us cursing in the hallway at top volume and never said anything”

-“You know what Maddy? I don’t like you anymore. I don’t want to be friends anymore”

-“Maybe if you burn in the fires of hell all the alcohol will burn too”

-“Spreading the diabetes, one marshmallow at a time”

-“At least you got to preform in front of Colonel Sanders”

-“Who’s pet is she?”

-“Everybody gets Kraft Singles, on me”

-“I’ve been scarred for life so much it feels more like a tickling sensation”

-“No one wants to touch you!”

-“It’s less like a rape and more like a gangbang”

-“There is no leader we’re all submissive runts”

-“Temporary joy, permanent pain”

-“Heteronormativity can eat my ass”

-“So what should we have overlapping heterosexuality?”

-“Just because my voice sounds like a man doesn’t mean I am one”

-“I wasn’t expecting a sip of vodka at 7:40 in the morning”

-“If you can’t do it then the best way to go is: don’t do it”

-“If anything, you’re in the way of the wine”

-“I mean, if the Catholic Church had done it right, we would have communism”

-“He is the straightest gay man I know”

-“The last time I had orange juice, I think you guys let me have a mimosa”

-“Your jacket makes you a big blob”

-“You’re like Cetaphil moisturizer because you make me wet”

-“I wish I was as bomb diggity as Beyoncé”

-“My ice cream is crunchy”

-“Quick question, how do you lose a banana?”

-“I’m really confused, yet oddly aroused. Is this normal?”

-“What kind of damn Gucci dogs come here?” (talking about a place with $60 dog food)

-“Your knees look ripe for sucking”

-“Weenus penis suck my kneeus” (they said this in unison while doing the sign of the cross)

-“And my cat’s name is Crazy”

-“If I could drown in applesauce that would be nice”

-”Why do heroin when you can have garlic bread injected directly into your veins?”

-”It’s red ribbon week for the horns. Say no to crack”

-”Oh my god I’m so hungry right now, I should’ve brought my sushi”

-”Where is this man’s penis?”

-”Wait a minute, if a guy masturbates that means he’s using his dick more often, so why doesn’t it grow?”

-”Someone say something smart cause I can’t”

-”Does anyone here have self confidence?”

-”Hello small child. What’s it like having a high voice and ambitions?”

-”I walked over here and thought she was trying to be 21 Savage”

-”Oh my god are you worshipping the antichrist?”

-”See, I know a lot about North Korea because I plan to take it over”

-”Which sounds like a lesbian affair, but it’s not”

-”My mom can spot my hair on the ground and sniff me out”

-”Goddammit. Who is you?”

“Logic would dictate that I answer no”

“It’s machete time baby”

“I have to protect it as if it were my nutsack”

“If you don’t appreciate that, you’re wrong”

-”Your elbow is a bone it can’t be muscular”

-”San Angelo ain’t hell but you can see it”

-”There’s only two things to invest in. Paintings and land cause they aren’t making any more of it”

-”Cats need to be in the center of a pentagram” 

-”If you get bored, drink”

-”They put an homage to blind people. Not like they’re gonna see it”

-”If you don’t have your green card you’re gonna get dimma-deported”

-”Why is the uncle taking pictures but keeping the camera for himself?”

-”My body is going to start physically rejecting fruit snacks”

-”I would wear a Wonder Woman costume to school”

-”I don’t know the first thing about anime”

-”I don’t know why my first thought was ‘cheese stick’”

-”DA DA DA is not the most exciting thing you’ve played! Shut up!

-”On the eighth day, God created trombones”

-”It smells like cheese in the microwave”

-”I wonder what would happen if I ate powdered pancake mix”

-”I guess I didn’t breast feed her long enough”

-”Hey kid, there’s a hotspot in the van”

-”That’s not going to be good for anything. My waist line or my budget”

-”I’ve had to pee four times. It’s noon”

-”Sword swallowers are the best deep throaters”

-”I don’t know where my socks went”

-”Maybe if you wore pants your legs wouldn’t be cold”

-”You could take a survey of everyone in this whole school and they’d say that Minecraft is a culture”  

-”Yeah I would fake a broken arm if it would get me out of testing”

-”Can I have a spicy roll of corn?”

-”Where’s my Asian?”

-”I baked a fucking birthday cake last night”

-”It’s been christened. Christened by ass”

-”I’ve eaten so many expired tortillas my body’s probably used to it”

-”Broccoli and hard drugs are two different things”

-”You’re like the bitch whisperer”

-”Dominance wasn’t established until the later years, but it was effective nonetheless”

-”Is uber a country?”

-”I think I’m good. It’s like dusting off the scent of another woman”

-”You’re under arrest, if you really want to be”

-”I get drunk and I spend money”

-”No honey, that’s heartless. I can still be a caring racist”

-”Are big boy gains genetic?”

-”Wait so he moved the infinity gauntlet from his hand to his dick? What the literal fuck?”

-”If I get a chair with wheels, then I win”

-”I was looking up Foghat on ancestry.com”

-”We all know the more alcohol you consume, the more insightful you become”

-”I’ve had enough experiences in wineries and breweries to last me a lifetime, and I’m only nine”

-”Innuendos and Speedos: his story”

-”You have sobriety on your side”

-”You spilled beer on the Scrabble board”

-”How many times do I tell you, we don’t listen to the retarded kids in school”

-”Furries can enjoy shitposting also”

-”Slow songs make me cry”

-”The resistor is your ass”

-”God dangit there’s a freakin egg in my boot”

-”Oh, Liberia. I know that from the vine”

-”Screaming is kid friendly”

-”Textual evidence states that that’s bullshit”

-”I’m on an emotional high and I’ll crash four hours later”

-”Yeah I got these yesterday and they’re already looking scuffed”

-”Yeah there’s always at least one cocky bastard”

-”All I need to know is how much a coat hanger costs”

-”I kept thinking Europe was a state”

-”I am a handy woman”

-”Oh my fucking god there’s communist Superman. I kind of love that”

-”Why is dog a gender?”

-”I will flood your mucus membranes with urine”

-”Does that mean it’s violent masturbation?”

-”Flex seal is the only 100% effective contraception”

-”It’s like telling someone not to do drugs while sniffing crack”

-”I like my men like I like my apples: red”

-”I invade the percussion’s privacy and pretend I’m one of them”

-”Are you calling my lap dances mediocre?”

-”Don’t even talk to me if you haven’t made out with a Frenchman”

[ofheartandmind]

And Baby makes...Five?

A/N: I was suppose to start part 3 of A Galaxy of Lies, but I wrote this instead. Sorry.

The triple au is gold and I plan to write a lot more of it though. I’ve actually never seen a story about pregnancy with the triplets, so I thought I’d go for it.

Warnings: Mentions of vomit, unplanned pregnancy, contraceptives, all around cheesiness and fluff

Summary: Finding out you’re pregnant can be nerve-wracking. But finding out your pregnant when you have three boyfriends is just down right confusing.

   You knew something was not quite right when you had woken up.

   Not that where you had woken up wasn’t wonderful. Like everyday you had opened your eyes only for your sight to be blocked out by a bunch of unruly blonde hair, belonging to Matty. He slept on his side facing you, his corded arm draped diagonally across your stomach and hip. His sweet breath at your face.

   Then on your otherside, head resting on yours was Kylo. You could feel his right arm encircling your neck and his hand gently clutching your breast. He never seemed to mind the pain this caused his arm when it undoubtedly caused it to fall asleep.  And of course, there was Ben. He slept on his stomach, unlike his brothers, loving to be cradled in between your legs. Throughout the night he would nuzzle his face into your hip bones, happy as a clam.

   Normally you were happy as well, warm and cozy and nestled up with your boyfriends. However, today you were nauseous as can be. You thought back to last night, thinking of what could have upset it. Kylo had cooked, but it was fresh and you had only ate a little. In fact, you hadn’t had a big appetite lately, so it couldn’t have been that.

   You pondered for another moment until your stomach painfully lurched and you had no choice but to rip yourself out of bed. Springing from both the boys and the covers, you figured you must of stepped on poor Ben’s back from hearing him yelp in surprise. But you were too focused on spewing into the porcelain of the toilet to care. Seconds later soft hands grazed your neck and pulled your hair out the way. This was followed by a husky coo of “it’s okay princess, get it all out,” by a voice you knew to be Matt.  

When you were done a cup of mouthwash and your toothbrush was waiting for you. Along with  three handsome and confused boys.

“Baby are you sick?” asked Matt

“I can call the doctor,” Kylo suggested.

“Did you have to step on my back?” Ben whined, before getting whacked on the head by Kylo

   You smiled at their concern and left the adjoining bathroom to approach them. You hugged Ben in apology and he accepted it by pulling you in closer. You turned to his brothers. “Thanks you three, but I think I’m okay now.”

   Kylo looked unconvinced, “But something else has to be wrong. Was it something you ate?”

   Ben chuckled at his older brother, “I bet it was that nasty Carbo-whatever the fuck, you made last night. Told you we should've gotten tacos.

“First of all it’s called Carbonara, you uncultured fucker. Second, you sure didn’t mind stuffing your face with it,” Kylo sneered.

“Cause I felt bad for you.”

   Matt groaned, realizing a fight was starting and began to try and mediate. You sat on the bed watching the boys interact in amusement. Your boys loved to argue, but they also loved you just as much and their worrying showed it. However you weren’t worried much, that is until you felt the familiar feeling of nausea spark up in you again. You turned away not wanting the boys to see your face.

Something had to be wrong.

“Are you okay?” Rey asked you during lunch at work five days later.

   She had caught you in the middle of a bad headache. One of many you’ve been having lately. You hadn’t been as open with the boys since getting sick the other morning. You had told them you felt fine, but it was a big lie and they knew it, but said nothing. That hurt you more than any physical affliction.

   Your bouts of vomiting and headaches had gotten worse and telling them would have put them in a frenzy.  So Rey, your co-worker and also their cousin would be the first person you were going to confess to.

“So its headaches and nausea? Anything else?” she asked, and shyly you also admitted to having incredibly sensitive breasts as of late.

Twiddling your fingers you looked at her anxiously, “I mean, I’m no hypochondriac, but do you think it’s something...serious?”  

Rey looked at you stunned, “Are you serious? Do you really think you’re just sick?

   You gulped, “What, you think it may be something more serious?

   You honestly hadn’t expected to be laughed at, but Rey was howling, and it was almost a little offensive.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry,” the girl gasped, “ but did it never occur to you, that you could be pregnant?”

Next it was your turn to laugh.

“Excuse me, what’s so funny? You have three boyfriends, it’s not that crazy of a claim,” Rey said.

“But it’s because I have three boyfriends that I’m incredible careful.” You said defending yourself. “I’m on a really strong birth control, they always use condoms and still sometimes I even make them pull-”

“Okay! Okay! Please, I don’t need to hear all that,” Rey wrinkled her nose is disgust, “I’m related to those big oafs.”

You laughed, “but you have to see my point. I’m super careful, we’ve never even had a big scare about it.”

Rey sighed, “Okay but still, contraceptives are never 100%. I would just be sure, go buy a test at least.”

   You had listened to Rey’s advice. If you were being truthful your friend was very right. You very well could be pregnant but your fear had lead you to suppress any possibility of it at first. It wasn’t that you didn’t want children with Kylo, Ben and Matt, but that you didn’t want to face the scrutiny of others.

   Your relationship was obviously not traditional and many a time while out, doing errands  or on dates you and the boys had faced the judgement of people who didn’t understand. Your boys did their best to shield you from it and their immediate family was very accepting, but you knew what people thought. Having a baby would make everything complicated, plus who even knew if the boys even wanted a baby with you?

Though you had know them for five years, dated them for three, children together had never been talked about seriously.

   But looking down at the three sticks sitting on your bathroom counter while your phone timer beeped ominously in the background, you knew now that that talk would have to happen. Because now you knew, you were definitely pregnant.

     You were trying not to panic. You flinched as a wave of anxiety crashed through your body. This was insane. “I’m pregnant,” you whispered out loud holding your stomach. Fuck, you didn’t even know whose it was. Whenever you had sex it was together, all three of them would take turns inside of you. You’d never be able to tell for sure until the baby was born. “Baby. Our baby,” you whispered again with a smile, letting the panic be replaced with love.    

“So much for safe sex,” you joked, looking at your birth control pills in the glass cabinet.

   Ten minutes later you heard a car pull into yard and then footsteps and the backdoor opening. Your name was hollered by one of them, tell you they were back from shopping.With a exhale, you picked up one of the tests and exited the bathroom.

   Matt and Ben were bringing in groceries from the car when you got to the kitchen. Kylo had just hung up his coat in the closet and saw you come out the bathroom first. He pulled you in for a kiss but stopped and raised an eyebrow at your flushed appearance.

“What’s wrong?” he asked making the other two Solos look at you.

You really had no plan on how to do this, so you chose to be blunt. Beckoning them all close, you took another breath.

“Kylo, Ben, Matt, I have to tell you guys something. you said, pulling the pregnancy test from behind your back. “I’m pregnant.”  

   It was quiet for a moment, a moment long enough for tears to well up in your eyes as you took this as a sign of rejection.

“I know that this is a-a surprise, b-but I j-just wanted you all to know,” you explain feeling yourself begin to shake. 

   You went to speak again but were stopped as you were pulled into Kylo’s chest. You felt another brother press against your back and then another at your side. But still you couldn’t help the sobs that left you. You were so emotional. But being held your boyfriends knocked down the wall you had reluctantly built between you and them in the last week.

   They all pulled away slightly when you stopped, keeping at least one arm or hand on you when Ben asked, “is this what you were hiding, love?”

You shook your head, “No, no. I just thought I was sick and didn’t want you guys to worry. But I just found out today…that I’m pregnant.” Matt dropped to his knees suddenly, burning his face in your tummy. 

“A baby, a baby, your having our baby,” he purred, muffled by your clothing. 

You frowned hearing Matt say ‘our’, “I don’t know which one of you it belongs to…” you said sadly. 

Kylo, who had been the quiet caught you chin between his fingers, “what do you mean ‘which one it belongs to’? Just like Matt said, it’s ours. Just like you belong to all of us, so does this baby.”  

   A warmth blossomed in you chest at his words. Any panic you had before melted at the sincerely and love radiating around you from your three lovers. 

Matt then stood back up and kissed you deeply, “did you really think we wouldn’t want this?” he asked. When you said you weren’t sure he pressed his forehead to yours. “Muffin, you are the most important thing to us in the world. Anything you’d give us would be treasured, especially a baby. How could we say no anyway? We’re adults and have a house and we all have careers. It’s perfect.” “

“Plus Kylo got a raise, so I can just quit my job and stay at home with you for the whole nine months, mhmm?” suggested Ben with a wink, his arms encircling you from the back. You giggled at Ben, watching Kylo and Matt roll their eyes at their lazy brother.  

This was the happiest you had felt in the last week. 

   Your boys brought you to the living room couch to sit down once they realized how long you’d been standing.  And for the rest of the night you watched them as they eagerly began taking care of you.   

   Amongst their bickering and them smothering you with attention you couldn’t help but blurt out, “I love you three so much,” laughing when they looked at you surprised. But then looking down at your stomach you couldn’t help but correct yourself, “No, I love all four of you so much.”

[danandthereader]

Can you do a fic where dan and reader have been "not not trying to get pregnant" (where they aren't trying but like they aren't using protection or anything) and she breaks the news to him that she's pregnant and he's all excited and stuff? Daddy dan is my favorite thing in the world and I just found your account and boy did your fics get me through a bad day.

A/N: Aw, lovely, I’m so glad to hear that my fills get you through the bad days ! I love writing them for just that reason. So I am more than happy to fill your prompt, because you are absolutely right in saying that the idea of Dan Dad is absolutely adorable ! Thank you so much, and I hope the next time you aren’t feeling great, you can come back to this fic and smile. ♡

SURPRISE

Today’s plans had included going to the grocery store, picking up a new pair of shoes for work, and going to the hardware store to look into paint for your and Dan’s room. There would be breaks in between, for lunch and to play a few levels of the most recent videogame you’ve bought, and you would get it all done before your boyfriend came home from work to surprise him.But the day took a sharp turn too early, when you woke up before the sun hit the horizon and proceeded to vomit for three straight minutes in the bathroom. You throwing yourself out of bed and bursting into the bathroom had shocked Dan awake, and he followed behind you after a few moments of sleepily sorting out what was happening. “Babe…?” Over the retching, you could hear the drowsiness, the hesitation, the underlying panic. Once your stomach was empty, you told him, voice echoing in the porcelain rim, “It’s fine. I’m okay. Just - Probably the chicken we ate last night.” You couldn’t remember the last time you had food poisoning.A beat. “Should I call in? I could tell Arin I’ve got it too.” Through the queasiness, you couldn’t help but smile. Always the gentleman, he was. “No. No.” A deep breath in. “Go back to sleep. Go to work. I’ll be okay.” It wasn’t as convincing as you’d like, because you doubled back over and begun to dry heave, but he did head back to bed after a few more moments of standing in the doorway, waiting, almost hoping you’d change your mind.

By the time the sun had come up, Dan was gone for the day, off to the studio to work on Game Grumps, and you had crashed on the bathroom floor. It was mostly because the tile was cool, and you ran less of a chance of vomiting all over your bedsheets if you stayed in there. When you awoke, it was quiet, and when you sat up, your head spun. Taking a deep breath, you gripped the toilet, braced yourself, and stood. For a moment, the world moved too fast, and you felt your legs going, but with another deep breath, things slowly leveled out. The last time you had food poisoning, it wasn’t nearly this bad, so why the sudden shift? Was it an age thing? Or-Immediately your brain flipped to pregnancy. That sobered you up quick, and sent you into a hazy flurry of motion. You and Dan hadn’t been trying for a kid, hadn’t been planning on one, but you stopped using protection a while ago, including birth control. It wasn’t a I don’t like how it feels thing, but more of a If we have one, we have one sort of situation. You were both stable financially, and god would Dan be a good father, but the thought of becoming a parent now…Half aware of everything, you were all ready out the door with keys in hand, still dressed in your pajamas. You had to be sure.Even though you were in your PJ shorts and oversized shirt, walking through the grocery store was a good distraction. At least you could do something other than panic about the possibility of carrying another person inside you for a few minutes. You did the grocery shopping, just like you had planned, avoiding the poultry just in case, and finally made your way over to the contraception corner of the women’s health aisle. Lingering just a bit too long on the condoms, your brain chastised, You should’ve pushed for these just a bit more. We wouldn’t be in this panic if you had. But what was the problem with having a child? Especially with Danny? Taking a step to the right, you grabbed a pregnancy test, chucked it in the basket, and moved on.You’re not ready for kids yet. You’re gonna be a terrible mom. All right, now that was just the intrusive thoughts talking, trying to drown out the beeping of the register as you waited for them to finish checking you out. You’d be a fine mom. You used to babysit your nieces and nephews all the time as a teenager. Moreover, you and Dan talked about being parents, having kids together; when he had said he was ready, the whole thing sprung into action. He was the the one with the career, the life that couldn’t just be dropped and left behind, so he had been the deciding factor.Well, now it was fate’s turn to decide, you supposed.

When you got home, you spent as much time as you could putting things away, tidying up, not exerting too much energy because you might have a bun in the over and you don’t want to strain you or the baby and…Shaking your head, you dismissed the thought as you shut the fridge door with your hip. You could do this. Baby or no, there was no reason to stop your daily routine. You’d just have to adjust, maybe, eat a little bit better, be a little bit more careful about how you drove and how scared you got over things, but you could do it. Looking over to the counter, the lone bag with your deciding factor sitting inside it, you took a deep breath. You can do this. Grabbing the box out of the bag, you took it to the bathroom and shut the door, even if there was no one home but you.It was a simple test, one that you’d heard everyone describe how to do a million times on TV and in the movies - pee on the stick, wait a few minutes, one line means yes, two means no. Easy, but it still made you nervous; spiked your anxiety waiting those few minutes to see the result.The one line fading in made you let out a strangled noise, pent-up emotion from the entire day spilling from your mouth. It wasn’t just happiness, it wasn’t just relief; not just excitement not just fear. It was a mixture of them all, and some emotions you couldn’t quite place yet. Looking down from the test to your stomach, only one thought came to your head.Call Dan.No, don’t call Dan.Looking at your phone, the time read late afternoon. He wouldn’t be at lunch, and he probably wouldn’t be on a breather break with Arin. His phone was either on silent in his back pocket, or outside of the Grump space so he wouldn’t fiddle with it. There wasn’t any point, really. But, with a small smile, you realized you wouldn’t be alone until he got home.

Shortly after the sky turned from bright blue to burnt orange to royal purple, you could hear familiar footsteps of Dan ascending the apartment stairs, and the door unlocking made your heart skip a beat. You had changed into a comfy shirt and leggings, jeans now officially out of the question because of the little life now in you, and were curled up on the bed you two shared watching TV. “Hey sweetheart!” he greeted loudly, jazzed as he always was whenever he came home after work. “In here,” you called, smiling as you sat up slowly. His fluffy ‘fro of hair came into the doorway, his bright smile along with it, which only made your stomach flip. Or is it the baby realizing who its dad is? “How ya feelin’?” he asked, coming over and pecking you on the forehead. “Uh - Not bad,” you began, which made him look down at you, bushy eyebrow raised in curiosity. “No more throwing up. But uh-” Should I tell him to sit? Should I stand? Scooting off the bed, you stood in front of him, hands entwining, eyes not quite meeting his. “Babe, what’s wrong?” His voice changed quick, concern thick in his tone. “Nothing. I just uh-” Breathe. “It wasn’t food poisoning that made me throw up this morning.” Silence; your eyes found his, and there was no confusion there. He figured it out fast, and it made your lips quirk. “Holy shit, you’re pregnant, aren’t you?” There was no humor in his voice either, just something you could only hope was excitement. “Man, you got it a lot quicker than I did,” you replied, laughing, trying for humorous. “I spent most of the day actually thinking it was food poisoning!”There was a small stretch of silence, then he huffed out a laugh. Then another, and another, until he was actually laughing, his brown eyes shining as he asked, “I’m gonna be a dad?” You nodded. “I’m gonna be a dad!” He hopped in excitement, scooping you into his arms. “We’re gonna be parents!” His voice broke as he said it. Dan lifted you off the ground, spinning you, making you laugh into the crook of his neck. “Oh!” Setting you down, he held you at armslength, the concern mixing with the elation. “I’m sorry. You’re uh - You’re okay?” With another laugh, you nodded. “I am, and so are they.” You looked down, patting your stomach again.

[fictorium]

I just came out to my parents O_O So idk if you're taking prompts but I'd love to hear about Cat coming out

Technically I’m not, but for such a special occasion (well done, you!) I’ll make a brief exception.

She’s nine years old the first time she tries to form the thought out loud, lacking both vocabulary and imagination to express what it is she means. It’s an innocent joke after all, some great aunt or other getting a cheap laugh by suggesting that Kitty will grow up to marry the boy whose birthday they’re celebrating, in this drafty Metropolis mansion.

The force behind her no I won’t is unexpected, but Mother tells her off for being contrary, once the other adults have drifted away in search of another dry martini. This isn’t a birthday party, it’s a wake held four decades too soon, and Cat wants to go home.

You don’t have to marry the first man who asks, her mother tells her, like it’s some private joke.

I don’t have to marry any of them at all, Cat retorts, not knowing why her mother laughs.

The bottle is spinning and spinning, spun much too hard on the parquet floor of Sophia’s game room. They’re all done with the SATs and this is the first available house with no parents, so it’s all warm beer and kitchen herbs passing for weed. Cat will stay just long enough for the morning editions to hit the newsstands, so she can pick up a copy of the Planet and a coffee for the brief walk home. She likes her paper still warm, with the ink ripe for smudging.

Sophia is the one spinning, and Cat knows who she wants it to land on. The unsubtle crush on a football player of all things, is too cliché to be believed. She has an eyeroll ready for when it lands on the hulking quarterback trying not to take up too much space.

Instead it lands on Cat, and she should be protesting for a do-over, for that doesn’t count but the boys are braying and Cat is too intrigued by Sophia crawling towards her to move.

I have to kiss you, Sophia mutters, and she does it in a way that says there’s no obligation in it at all. Despite their audience, Cat kisses back. Enough to put on a show, but stopping when the whoops and hollers start to taper off.

She runs, then. Though the papers won’t be delivered and the diner won’t have opened to serve too strong, too hot coffee. Cat doesn’t make it to the end of the block before Sophia catches her. Damn track team.

Was that okay? She asks, and Cat shrugs her shoulders. It’ll be years before she perfects the art of the snappy comeback. I’ve wanted to do that for a while.

Cat could tell her the truth realized in the last few minutes, that she’s wanted to for a long time. That her scorn over Sophia hanging around football players has been rooted in jealousy, but not over the boys. Cat could be kind, and meet Sophia halfway, share a secret that can only make them closer.

Don’t do it again is what she says instead. She continues her walk home, to a quiet house, and doesn’t turn around to see what damage she might have done.

She tries to do it all at Radcliffe. Every society, every class that her timetable can accommodate. Every social event once she settles on the media as her career path, knowing networks matter to networks more than any college transcript.

Cat takes her theory classes and finds a word for it, at last. The restless feeling that makes her keen on men and quietly interested in women. College, of course, is a hotbed of experimentation that she avails herself of freely. She’s young, desired, and the world beyond Metropolis is beckoning at last.

There are territorial scuffles, of course. The boys find it enticing, for the most part, that she dates girls too. The lesbians with a cause find her dalliances with men a betrayal, but Cat reminds each one of them that she never claimed to be signing up to their exclusive club, though she’ll visit when the mood strikes.

Bisexual, she gets tired of explaining, to the ignorant and those who should know better. It’s not exactly hard to grasp, after all.

The marriage before graduation doesn’t last through the fall, but Cat’s always believed in the first pancake theory of life. It neither slows her nor deters her, and three years later there’s Adam’s father, with his big promises and relaxed attitude to contraception that catches them out in the end.

It isn’t a choice, exactly not to come out to him. With CatCo and barely time for monogamy as it is, Cat decides discretion is the better part of valor. He finds out anyway, because people talk and Cat is vicious when she can drink again, once Adam is born. She uses her sexuality to hurt him, and he uses it against her in court.

After that she swears off romantic entanglements. Empires don’t build themselves.

Eve writes her off on their first meeting. It’s easy to buy into the public myths of Cat Grant. Maneater, mogul, irredeemable workaholic. The legends are many and varied, and hardly any of them true. It’s clear that’s all the lawyer sees when sitting down to depose Cat in some frivolous suit or other, and it irks her in a way that few people can do by this stage in her life.

She researches, of course. The LGBTQ causes, the awards and charitable acts, the lack of partner mentioned in the last six months. Cat is nothing if not a journalist at heart. Their paths cross before long, some fundraiser for the ACLU, and Cat sets her stall out early over champagne.

You assumed I’m straight, didn’t you? Is all it takes to get the telltale quirk of an eyebrow, and the shift of full attention turned on her. It would seem Cat hasn’t lost her touch.

Nine torrid months, leading to a City Hall wedding when a proposition outlawing the newly acquired marriage rights is put on the November ballot. The measure is unsuccessful, the people of California more tolerant than given credit for. The marriage is even less successful, but that’s becoming something of a constant in Cat’s life. She’s beginning to appreciate the predictability of it.

There’s never any public acknowledgement beyond gal pals and that’s Cat’s iron fist at the helm of the media. It’s a conversation she doesn’t want to have with the world, not when she hasn’t with her sons. As excuses go, it’s a handy one.

She dates appropriate men in appropriate settings and has some occasionally inappropriate flings along the way. It’s lonely, lacking in connection, but it doesn’t require an explanation or a media strategy.

It’s enough.

Carter inherits more from her than a curious mind and hair that curls whether asked to or not. He frets for days and it pains her that he can’t come out and say it, but patience is a skill Cat learned for her son, and she exercises it as best she can.

Can you like both boys and girls? He asks, when they’re under blankets in the den, watching some subversive cartoon that Cat’s already forgotten the name of.

Oh darling, she exhales. Of course you can. Let me tell you something about me, okay?

There’s no decision on the public coming out, which is unusual in a life that’s become perfectly organized, regimented first by Kara and then by the systems she left in place for Eve and the one who comes after.

Fame has made Cat bullish about her privacy, walking a balanced line of public displays to lead the press, and a fiercely guarded private life that no paparazzo or hack has been able to breach.

The first night she stays over at Kara’s apartment, none of the usual safeguards are in place. Cat is twenty again, slipping out of a barely-known building. Only this time it’s not a shoeless sprint across campus, but a short walk to her waiting Mercedes. It’s enough for an opportunist with a camera phone. The speculation reaches fever pitch when it turns out one of Kara’s neighbors is a notorious playboy who’s making his way through National City’s celebrities like a dose of whatever STD he’s no doubt spreading along the way.

As the second week of compulsive apologizing from Kara begins, Cat comes to the quiet realization that she wants more. She doesn’t want furtive and compromising. She doesn’t want the most sinful intimacy behind closed doors only, she wants the simple affection of a hand held at brunch or a waist circled on a red carpet. There is Kara, who loves as though she was born to do it, and Cat is tired of pretending she isn’t lucky enough to be the recipient of that love.

That’s why, she tells herself, she insists that Kara come to the Siegel Awards with her. There’s lots of fussing about appropriate distance and a tighter smile than usual when Kara assumes she’ll be relegated to assistant. Three paces behind, despite the fact that their dresses barely made it out of the limo intact thanks to wandering hands.

For years she hasn’t answered a shouted question at these events, but when the inevitable who are you here with? comes, from the Planet of all places, Cat holds her position with all the poise she can summon. She takes Kara’s hand, and pulls her close. It’s a miracle that Kara doesn’t stumble, but luck is on their side.

Not that it’s any of your business, Jerry, she scoffs, squeezing Kara’s hip. But I’m here with the woman I love. This is Kara.

The flashes go off like a thousand tiny bombs, and Cat beams through them. She checks in with Kara, whose smile outshines everything around them.

I meant to tell you that before, Cat leans in to whisper. I know you’ve been trying desperately not to blurt it out, so here we are.

I love you, too, Kara answers, blossoming under the pleasure of saying it at last. Cat kisses her, caught in the moment. 

She’s out, she’s free, and nothing important needs to be a secret anymore. 

[fhujami]

You promised to come back. Chapter 2 [Sam Drake/OC]

Pairings: Sam Drake x OC

Warnings: Umm, Reference to sex, cursing, minor violence, maybe some NSFW? I don’t know. (I haven’t write so much to know all the practical things, sorry) 

Chapter 1  - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10 - Chapter 11 - Epilogue

Chapter 2 - You lied to me.

It has been two weeks since Sam, Nate and Rafe left to Panama. Two weeks that I heard Sam’s voice last time. He sounded so passionate when we talked on the phone last time and he told how they get to the jail and go search the old cell tower. I was so mad but I knew it was important to him. They wanted to finish their mother’s search with Nathan. It was important to them. I knew I always was the second choice to him, even though I was hoping he had left the search for me.

I was sitting in the kitchen and eating cereals. I had a weird feeling in my gut. I felt nauseous. I wonder if the milk had gone bad so I grabbed the can and looked at the date. No, the date was all good. I felt how my stomach twirled and I rushed into the bathroom holding my hand in front of my mouth, before reached to the toilet and started to throw up.

I heard how keys shined on the door and I realize my brother Oscar was coming.

“Jo?” - I heard him yell at me but I couldn’t answer since my head was in the toilet and I was throwing up my guts out. He must have heard me and soon he peaked to the bathroom.

“Jesus Christ are you alright?” - He asked and came to the bathroom and hold my hair up while I was throwing up. When it felled that I got everything out I flushed and sat on the floor wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

“Can you give me the nausea pill from the drawer?” - I asked and pointed the drawer behind the door. I watched him open the upper drawer and I told him it was in the lower one. When he opened it and took Tampax pack in his hand to search the pills my eyes opened wide and I stood up so fast I felt my head start to spin.

Oscar turned to me still holding Tampax pack in his hand and looked at me.

“What?” - He asked. I stared at the Tampax pack on his hand and I felt how my face paled and I rushed out of the bathroom.

“Shit shit shit,” I yelled and hold my hands on my head while walking to the kitchen. Oscar followed me with the Tampax pack still in his hand asking what was wrong.

“My period.” - I mumbled while going to my calendar and opening it and started to went through the pages. I tried to look at my last periods of the couple weeks back but I didn’t find any notes from there.

“Oh shit, shit, shit,” - I said and threw the calendar on the table and turned again and wandered around the kitchen.

“Jesus Joanna, what is it?” - Oscar asked and followed me.

“I’m fucking seven weeks late Oscar!” - I yelled at him and stopped and hid my face in my palms. Oscar stayed quite. I felt how tears were pouring out of my eyes.

“Oh shit.” - I heard my brother say before I felt his hands on mine and he pulled them out to see my face.

“Okay, I’ll go to the pharmacy and buy you a test.” - He said and looked me into the eyes. I nodded and swallowed my tears.

“Bring three. I wanna be sure.” - I said before he grabbed his backpack and rushed out of the door. I stood there for a while and tried to swallow my tears. This just couldn’t be. I was eating contraceptive pills, this couldn’t be true.

When Oscar came back I was sitting on the table and looking my calendar. I was hoping I had just forgotten to write my periods down, but I wasn’t. I was fucking seven weeks late. Oscar emptied the plastic bag to the table and I saw probably ten different pregnancy test in front of me. I felt nauseous again.

“I bought every single type they got.” - He told and offered me two of them. I looked him under my eyebrows and I felt how tears were pouring again. I was scared.

“C’mon, just do it and we’ll know.” - He said and nodded his head to the bathroom. I looked at his hands, swallowed and took two tests in his hands and stood up. I looked the tests and I felt like I could throw up again. I started to walk to the bathroom without losing my eyes of the tests. Before I closed the door behind me, I took a look at my brother who was looking at me with a look,  that whatever happens, he’ll be by my side.

Half an hour and eight pregnancy test later, me and my brother were sitting on the floor in the living room, leaning on the wall. I was holding my head with my hands and my brother looked up at the ceiling. There was eight positive pregnancy test on the floor in front of us.

“What the fuck am I gonna do?” - I asked my brother. He didn’t answer. I was sure he was planning how he’s gonna kill Sam when he’ll come back.

I hid my face in my hands again. I just couldn’t believe that I was pregnant. And I had no idea how long Sam and Nate will be on their trip, even though he told me it would take couple weeks. And it has already been two weeks. I had no idea how long it will take so I could tell Sam and ask him what we’re going to do. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned my head to see my brother.

“Everything is going to be okay. He’ll come back soon and I’m sure he will leave all this treasure hunt for you. For you two.” - He said and smiled. I raised my head up and I was stunned. Did my brother just say that?

“You sure?” - I asked and my brother grabs me in his armpit, kissed my hair and hugged me.

“Of course. If he won’t, I’ll kill him.”

I punched him in his stomach and he gasped. But he was probably right. I hoped he was right. Sam would leave the whole treasure hunt behind for me. For us.

Another week passed by, and I went to the doctor appointment who confirmed that I was actually nine weeks pregnant. He had given me the ultrasound picture and I just couldn’t believe what was going to happen. I was going to be a mother. And Sam is going to be a father. I was biting my fingernails while my brother was driving me back home. I just stared at the picture. I was hoping that Sam would be there with me for the first time, but the doctor wanted to check everything was alright. The fetus was small and not much to see, but the doctor said that all looked good.

We were driving back to my place and I headed to inside and my brother took the groceries out of the car and carried them inside. I walked to the kitchen and placed the picture on the table and helped my brother to unpack the groceries. Then we heard that someone knocked on the door.

My heart skipped a beat and I looked my brother with a hopeful look on my face. Was it finally Sam, even though he promised he’ll call me when they got out of the jail. I rushed to the door and opened it ready to jump on Sam’s neck, but there was just Nathan. My heart skipped another beat. I looked to the hall and saw someone leaning on the wall, it was Rafe, I saw him quickly the day they left so I recognized him. I tried to peek behind him to see Sam. But he wasn’t there, and I asked Nathan where his brother was hiding.

Nathan lowered his face to the floor and I was mad for making one of them stupid jokes again. This wasn’t funny, I just wanted to see Sam. I looked at Rafe and he couldn’t look at me.

“Nate, where’s Sam?” - I asked with a serious voice, stared at him and made sure he knew I wasn’t in the mood.

When Nate raised his head to look at me I saw that tears were pouring from his eyes.

“He didn’t make it,” - Nate whispered. I looked at Rafe and he raised his head up and I saw a tear falling down on his cheek.

“Stop joking.” - I said and chuckled little nervous and turned my face back to Nate. He wiped his nose with his hand and shook his head.

“He got shot and... He fell.. I lost my grip on him..” - Nate said before his voice broke.

I felt how my world crashed. Sam was dead? It couldn’t be. He promised he’ll be back. I saw how everything started to slow down and I felt how my head started to spin. I felt how tears were pouring out of my eyes. My heart shattered into million pieces. I placed my hand on my stomach and bend myself down. I couldn’t breathe. I heard mumble behind me and I turned and saw my brother’s silhouette coming slowly at me. Everything was slow. I couldn’t hear what Oscar was saying. I took one step to my brother when my legs gave up and I fell down on my knees. I hold my stomach with my other hand and other on my chest, I was sure I couldn’t feel my heart beating because I was sure I had just died myself.

I felt how arms grabbed me and I collapsed in someone’s arms. It was my brother. I started to cry and I screamed from the pain. I buried my head in my brother’s chest and let my scream fade into his shirt. Tears poured out of my eyes and I couldn’t breathe. My heart was shattered. I was pregnant to Sam and he never managed to knew about it.

I woke up on the couch. I stood up fast and I hoped it was all just a bad dream. I looked into the kitchen and saw Oscar, Nate, and Rafe sitting on the table. It wasn’t a dream. I felt how my stomach twirled and I felt a crushing pain in my chest. I felt how tears started to pour again. Then I saw someone was standing next to the couch. I looked up and I saw it was Nate. He was holding the ultrasound picture in his hand. I couldn’t hold my tears anymore and I hid my face in my hands. I felt how Nate sat in front of me to the table and hugged me. I hugged him back and cried on his shoulder.

He smoothed my head and tried to calm me down. How I wished he was his brother. I missed Sam’s warm. I missed his touch. His kisses. I missed his love. I needed his love.

Nate pulled himself out and took my head between his palms and wiped my tears with his thumbs. I kept my eyes closed and tried to think it was Sam. That maybe Nate would turn to his brother. But when I opened my eyes I didn’t see hazel eyes, I saw Nate’s blue eyes staring at me.

“You are not alone.” - He whispered to me before he kissed me on my forehead. I wept and nodded at him before he hugged me again.

Few days Nate stayed at my place. He told me what they managed to find in Panama. And how everything went wrong after that. We both cried. We talked and cried. I hated Rafe, I blamed him for everything. I was relieved he left the evening they came back. And didn’t come back. I needed Nate. He had lost his brother and I lost the love of my life. And a father of my unborn child.

Nate told me that they’ll be going with Rafe to Scotland to search the treasure. For Sam. In that way, his death was no useless. Nate promised that he’ll come back to see me when he’ll come back. I’ll make him swear that because his brother has told me the same and he had broken his promise. Nathan sword.

Weeks went by. Months went by. All I got was a letter from Nate. He had returned from Scotland when he was tired of searching the treasure, so he let it be. He was sorry, that he couldn’t face me and my unborn child not just yet. He wanted to get over his brother’s death before he’ll be coming to see me and a child of his brother. I was so fucking mad at him. He broke his promise just like his brother did. I teared up the letter.

My brother was my side. Always. He stayed next to me in the delivery room, it wasn’t weird, since the nurses and doctors knew us and knew why he was with me. My brother was next to me when I gave birth to my son, Jonathan Samuel Carter.

Victor Sullivan visited us in the hospital. He was an old family member, and somehow he knew Nate and Sam too. He brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Oscar went down to the cafeteria so Victor and I could talk in private. I hold my beautiful son in my arms while he was gently sleeping.

“He looked just like you.” - Victor told me. He never met Sam. They never managed to see eye to eye. So he couldn’t see that boy was in every way his father.

“How is he?” - I asked pointing to Nate. Even though I was mad at him, I couldn’t blame him. His brother was all he got. But it was hard for me too. And now I needed to raise our son alone.

“He’ll call you when he’s ready.” - Victor told me. I nodded and swallowed my tears. I hoped he will. I wanted to my son knew his uncle. That he has someone from his father’s side.

Years passed, and I changed letters with Nate. He was sorry, but he couldn’t do this. The pain of losing his brother was too deep and he wanted to forget all about it. He couldn’t face me and my son. He send us money and gift to Jonathan every birthday and Christmas but never showed up, even I asked. I was furious. I hoped he’ll be part of our lives. It was hard enough to see Sam’s eyes on Jonathan every day. It took me over four years to get over Sam’s death. It was hard after that too, but not as hard as before. I managed to enjoy my life with my son. I saw him grow and learn something new every day. I loved him at the bottom my heart. We learned together different languages and traveled around the world.

We were slowly settling our lives, just the two of us. I needed to unload my feelings sometimes so I started to went to the gym and I dropped my feelings into the boxing sax. I took courses and got a job as a self-defense teacher. In the gym, I even managed to find someone, who was part of our lives for two years, but he never managed to fill the empty place in my heart what Sam had left in it. Sure I loved him, but not the same way I loved Sam.

I told Jonathan about his father, that he died in a shooting while he was traveling with his brother. And his uncle was blaming himself what had happened and he couldn’t face me. When Jonathan was eleven and asked once again about his father and uncle Nate, he saw the pain inside of me and he was very understanding. I have blessed that my son was so mature. He told that his uncle will show up when he was ready. That he was fine with the two of us, and uncle Oscar. My brother was a father figure to him. They adored each other.

I was stunned when one day there was an invite to Nate and Elena’s wedding in our mail. I called immediately to the number Nate had written down on the invite and asked if he was sure he wanted us there. He told me he wanted to meet us, that after being with Elena, he had realized important of the family. And we were his family. But he hasn’t told Elena that he had a brother so he hoped we were okay with the lie that I was his cousin. We talked about that with Jonathan and came to the result it was fine, as long as we could be part of Nate's life. Jonathan was excited to see his uncle for the first time.

We went to the wedding and introduced ourselves to Elena as Nate’s cousin and her son. I saw a sorrow in Nate’s eyes when he first time saw Jonathan. It probably ribbed his old scars when he saw how much Jonathan reminded his father. But he told that he’ll be fine with it and hoped that I’ll forgive him for the years and years of exclusion. I forgave him.

We started to visit each other. I became a friend with Elena. It was hard sometimes to pretend who I really was, and what connection Jonathan had to Nate, but I did it anyway. For Nate. I tried my best to support him and get him finally get over his brother’s death. He had been shut his mourn out, and I tried my best to make him get over it. Like I did.

Then, one night I got a call from Nate. He needed my help to get the Henry Avery’s cross. I was mad because Henry Avery’ treasure was the reason why Sam had died fifteen years earlier and confused because I had no idea how I could possibly help them. Nate told me that with my knowledge of Europe and Italy, it would be easier them to do their job. First I was going to say no, but Jonathan and my brother insisted me to leave. So I did. I was hoping that maybe this will help Nate to get peace with his brother's death, finally.

[kristablogs]

Why barrier contraceptives (like diaphragms) are so unpopular

The Prorace cervical cap took off in England in 1915. (Science Museum, London/)

Donna J. Drucker is senior adviser in English as the Language of Instruction at Technische Universität Darmstadt, Germany. She’s most recently the author of Contraception: A Concise History. This story originally featured on MIT Press Reader.

Women have used internal barriers in an attempt to prevent pregnancies as far back as ancient Egypt. However, they only became widely known and used after World War I, when they became available commercially and via birth control clinics in the US, UK, Germany, and Austria. As these devices became more widespread, they gradually began appearing in novels and plays: Writers from Mary McCarthy to Philip Roth used them to symbolize specific moments in women’s sexual and reproductive lives, their growth into adulthood, and their romantic—often extramarital—relationships.

While barriers provided women with contraceptive control, the symbolic implications of these devices went far beyond control alone. In “The Group” (1954), for example, Mary McCarthy describes a young woman’s visit to a New York City gynecologist around 1933, portraying a woman’s first cap or diaphragm fitting as amusing, if somewhat embarrassing:

“Dottie did not mind the pelvic examination or the fitting. Her bad moment came when she was learning how to insert the pessary by herself … As she was trying to fold the pessary, the slippery thing, all covered with jelly, jumped out of her grasp and shot across the room and hit the sterilizer. Dottie could have died. But apparently this was nothing new to the doctor and the nurse. “Try again, Dorothy,” said the doctor calmly, selecting another diaphragm of the correct size from the drawer. And, as though to provide a distraction, she went on to give a little lecture on the history of the pessary, while watching Dottie’s struggles out of the corner of her eye.”

The idea of a diaphragm or cap as an inherently hard-to-handle device also came to life in Margaret Foster’s “Diary of an Ordinary Woman, 1914−1945” (2003), in which the protagonist, Millicent, lies to a clinic worker about being married to obtain a cap from a woman’s clinic in August 1930. “Twice the cap slipped out of my fingers and went whizzing across the room and she laughed but I did not,” Millicent writes in her diary. “She put the cap into a tin box and gave me a tube of the spermicide and said to come back if there were any difficulties.” While McCarthy and Foster portrayed fitting barrier contraceptives as humorous, the incidents marked adulthood and an active sex life as newly strange and messy as well. They also addressed social class issues regarding contraceptive access. Clinic workers in the early 20th century often dissuaded the poor and “unfit” from having children, so Millicent’s sister Tilda advised her “to dress as dowdily as possible” so as not to stand out.

Donna J. Drucker is the author of “Contraception: A Concise History.“ (MIT Press Reader/)

Barrier contraceptives also served as symbols of a young person’s rejection of, or challenge to, cultural or religious values regarding premarital sex. In Philip Roth’s 1959 novella “Goodbye, Columbus,” the protagonist’s (Neil’s) lover, Brenda, leaves a diaphragm in a bureau drawer at her childhood home, where her mother finds it and writes her a tearful letter. Brenda and Neil have an argument in which he accuses her of letting her mother find the diaphragm deliberately as an excuse to break up, though Brenda denies it. Here, Roth positions the diaphragm between Brenda’s desire for premarital sex and her ambition to stay in her parents’ good graces. Whatever her motivations for leaving the device where her mother could find it, the romantic relationship ends.

In Andrew Davies’s 1980 play “Rose,” the presence of a barrier contraceptive signals an extramarital affair. The title character uses a diaphragm with her husband Geoffrey to prevent pregnancy regularly, and he notices its unusual absence one night.

Geoffrey’s discovery of the missing diaphragm triggers Rose’s unrepentant confession that she had sex with one of her supervisors and marks the end of their marriage. It is notable that the two male authors—Roth and Davies—who used diaphragms as plot points used them to signal immaturity and infidelity in women, and to show how women’s control over contraceptives hurt and deceived men.

While the diaphragm’s presence in “Rose” indicated a woman having sex willingly outside her marriage, Paddy Kitchen’s 1971 novel Linsey-Woolsey uses the forced removal of a cap as a sign of disregard for a woman’s reproductive agency. Near the end of the book, the characters Barnett and Henrietta are about to have sex—she is married, he is not.

Henrietta consents to conceptive sex after Barnett “lulls her” into desiring it, and the phrasing “allowing her body to make a true union” implies that they had simultaneous orgasms. This scene is an instance of what Milena Popova, a sexual consent researcher, calls “unwanted sex,” sex to which someone consents in a legal sense but does not want. Henrietta’s initial act of protection against pregnancy is cast aside in favor of her new partner’s desire to conceive. The scene shows how popular mid-20th-century rhetoric that the cap and diaphragm placed contraception “into women’s hands” was unable physically to stop a partner who had no problem removing the barrier, and her desire to contracept, himself.

Barrier contraceptives in the lives of older, often married characters take on yet a different role. Mary, the main character in Gillian Tindall’s novel Looking Forward (1983), approaches the subject with her extramarital partner Laurie in 1950s England after they have had sex several times: “But you know I don’t use a cap or anything. You’re an experienced man, you must have realized,” she tells him, to which he replies, “Yes, I know, I’m sorry, it was wrong of me, but—oh, Laurie! I can’t start using a contraceptive. Not now, after so many years of hoping.”

Her non-use of a contraceptive indicates her desire for a child, even though a prospective child’s father would not be her husband. Mary’s childlessness is poignant, as she has been a gynecologist and birth control advocate her whole adult life. Even after fitting hundreds of working-class women with caps, she still associates cervical cap use with women who need contraception because they cannot afford to have more pregnancies. For her, the cervical cap is a marker of class and economic need, as well as a desire to limit fertility, and she cannot bring herself to use it.

Taken together, these authors use the diaphragm and cervical cap to signify extramarital sex, working-class status, embarrassment, sorrow, and the onset of adulthood. Rarely does one find references to them as part of a joyful or pleasant sexual encounter. They interrupt passion, pair messily with spermicide, and are a woman’s unpleasant yet necessary responsibility.

Perhaps the happiest end for a cap was in Margaret Drabble’s The Waterfall (1969): “[Jane] disliked it so much that when [her son] found it lying in a drawer one day she let him take it out and sail it in the bath for a few nights, until he was bored with it, and it perished.”

[scootoaster]

Why barrier contraceptives (like diaphragms) are so unpopular

The Prorace cervical cap took off in England in 1915. (Science Museum, London/)

Donna J. Drucker is senior adviser in English as the Language of Instruction at Technische Universität Darmstadt, Germany. She’s most recently the author of Contraception: A Concise History. This story originally featured on MIT Press Reader.

Women have used internal barriers in an attempt to prevent pregnancies as far back as ancient Egypt. However, they only became widely known and used after World War I, when they became available commercially and via birth control clinics in the US, UK, Germany, and Austria. As these devices became more widespread, they gradually began appearing in novels and plays: Writers from Mary McCarthy to Philip Roth used them to symbolize specific moments in women’s sexual and reproductive lives, their growth into adulthood, and their romantic—often extramarital—relationships.

While barriers provided women with contraceptive control, the symbolic implications of these devices went far beyond control alone. In “The Group” (1954), for example, Mary McCarthy describes a young woman’s visit to a New York City gynecologist around 1933, portraying a woman’s first cap or diaphragm fitting as amusing, if somewhat embarrassing:

“Dottie did not mind the pelvic examination or the fitting. Her bad moment came when she was learning how to insert the pessary by herself … As she was trying to fold the pessary, the slippery thing, all covered with jelly, jumped out of her grasp and shot across the room and hit the sterilizer. Dottie could have died. But apparently this was nothing new to the doctor and the nurse. “Try again, Dorothy,” said the doctor calmly, selecting another diaphragm of the correct size from the drawer. And, as though to provide a distraction, she went on to give a little lecture on the history of the pessary, while watching Dottie’s struggles out of the corner of her eye.”

The idea of a diaphragm or cap as an inherently hard-to-handle device also came to life in Margaret Foster’s “Diary of an Ordinary Woman, 1914−1945” (2003), in which the protagonist, Millicent, lies to a clinic worker about being married to obtain a cap from a woman’s clinic in August 1930. “Twice the cap slipped out of my fingers and went whizzing across the room and she laughed but I did not,” Millicent writes in her diary. “She put the cap into a tin box and gave me a tube of the spermicide and said to come back if there were any difficulties.” While McCarthy and Foster portrayed fitting barrier contraceptives as humorous, the incidents marked adulthood and an active sex life as newly strange and messy as well. They also addressed social class issues regarding contraceptive access. Clinic workers in the early 20th century often dissuaded the poor and “unfit” from having children, so Millicent’s sister Tilda advised her “to dress as dowdily as possible” so as not to stand out.

Donna J. Drucker is the author of “Contraception: A Concise History.“ (MIT Press Reader/)

Barrier contraceptives also served as symbols of a young person’s rejection of, or challenge to, cultural or religious values regarding premarital sex. In Philip Roth’s 1959 novella “Goodbye, Columbus,” the protagonist’s (Neil’s) lover, Brenda, leaves a diaphragm in a bureau drawer at her childhood home, where her mother finds it and writes her a tearful letter. Brenda and Neil have an argument in which he accuses her of letting her mother find the diaphragm deliberately as an excuse to break up, though Brenda denies it. Here, Roth positions the diaphragm between Brenda’s desire for premarital sex and her ambition to stay in her parents’ good graces. Whatever her motivations for leaving the device where her mother could find it, the romantic relationship ends.

In Andrew Davies’s 1980 play “Rose,” the presence of a barrier contraceptive signals an extramarital affair. The title character uses a diaphragm with her husband Geoffrey to prevent pregnancy regularly, and he notices its unusual absence one night.

Geoffrey’s discovery of the missing diaphragm triggers Rose’s unrepentant confession that she had sex with one of her supervisors and marks the end of their marriage. It is notable that the two male authors—Roth and Davies—who used diaphragms as plot points used them to signal immaturity and infidelity in women, and to show how women’s control over contraceptives hurt and deceived men.

While the diaphragm’s presence in “Rose” indicated a woman having sex willingly outside her marriage, Paddy Kitchen’s 1971 novel Linsey-Woolsey uses the forced removal of a cap as a sign of disregard for a woman’s reproductive agency. Near the end of the book, the characters Barnett and Henrietta are about to have sex—she is married, he is not.

Henrietta consents to conceptive sex after Barnett “lulls her” into desiring it, and the phrasing “allowing her body to make a true union” implies that they had simultaneous orgasms. This scene is an instance of what Milena Popova, a sexual consent researcher, calls “unwanted sex,” sex to which someone consents in a legal sense but does not want. Henrietta’s initial act of protection against pregnancy is cast aside in favor of her new partner’s desire to conceive. The scene shows how popular mid-20th-century rhetoric that the cap and diaphragm placed contraception “into women’s hands” was unable physically to stop a partner who had no problem removing the barrier, and her desire to contracept, himself.

Barrier contraceptives in the lives of older, often married characters take on yet a different role. Mary, the main character in Gillian Tindall’s novel Looking Forward (1983), approaches the subject with her extramarital partner Laurie in 1950s England after they have had sex several times: “But you know I don’t use a cap or anything. You’re an experienced man, you must have realized,” she tells him, to which he replies, “Yes, I know, I’m sorry, it was wrong of me, but—oh, Laurie! I can’t start using a contraceptive. Not now, after so many years of hoping.”

Her non-use of a contraceptive indicates her desire for a child, even though a prospective child’s father would not be her husband. Mary’s childlessness is poignant, as she has been a gynecologist and birth control advocate her whole adult life. Even after fitting hundreds of working-class women with caps, she still associates cervical cap use with women who need contraception because they cannot afford to have more pregnancies. For her, the cervical cap is a marker of class and economic need, as well as a desire to limit fertility, and she cannot bring herself to use it.

Taken together, these authors use the diaphragm and cervical cap to signify extramarital sex, working-class status, embarrassment, sorrow, and the onset of adulthood. Rarely does one find references to them as part of a joyful or pleasant sexual encounter. They interrupt passion, pair messily with spermicide, and are a woman’s unpleasant yet necessary responsibility.

Perhaps the happiest end for a cap was in Margaret Drabble’s The Waterfall (1969): “[Jane] disliked it so much that when [her son] found it lying in a drawer one day she let him take it out and sail it in the bath for a few nights, until he was bored with it, and it perished.”

[recentnews18-blog]

New Post has been published on https://shovelnews.com/short-funny-quotes-for-any-occasion/

Short funny quotes for any occasion

Has your life been so tough that you cannot remember the last time you smiled? Or even laughed? It happens. Life sometimes decides to betray us and throw us under the bus, draining all the little energy we have and leave us dealing with just too much to afford a good time. However, it is never too late to take a moment and treat yourself to some good time, no matter what. These funny quotes about life may just be the best therapy for you right now. Check them out!

Life is not all about a straight face and furrowed eyebrows. Sometimes all you need is to pause, loosen up, forget about all your troubles and just get lost in the moment. If you have nothing to make you laugh right now, these funny quotes jokes and sayings couldn’t come any other time.

Funny quotes about life

Can you really miss something to say about life? Of course, not in this life! Though life can be hard, tough, too heavy of a burden to bear, we still find a moment to appreciate some funny quotes, happiness and joyful witty sayings about life, just like these ones below!

My silence spoke a thousand words nevertheless you never heard nothing.

My bed is a mystical place where I suddenly recall everything I forgot to do.

Agree to receive who you are. Lest you’re a liquidator.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it having life itself.

I’m sure the world is full of brilliant life. It’s just been too brilliant to come here.

Deception gets halfway around the entire world before the truth even gets a chance to get its pants on.

I may be roaring drunk, Miss, but in the morning, I will be clear-headed and you will still be ugly

Life is agony. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

Two things are endless: the universe and human mindlessness; and I’m not sure about the universe.

Two wrongs don’t make you justified, but they make a good excuse.

Life habitually provides a second chance. It’s called tomorrow.

READ ALSO: 30 best inspirational life quotes to empower your success

Funny quotes about love

Love can always be expressed in many ways. Sometimes in serious tones, painful tones and sometimes just by a happy-go-lucky tone. These funny quotes love sayings are perfect for recounting the fun times you had with your loved ones.

They say that love is more important than money, nevertheless, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?

Love is a reciprocal self-giving which ends in self-recovery.

You can’t truly know someone until you have a strong feeling of affection towards them.

Be married by a man of your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight fade away.

Yes, it’s true that love conquers all things excluding poverty and toothache.

Marriage has no warranty. If that’s what you seek, you better go live with a car.

Romance is the glaze, but love is the cake.

My best contraceptive now is just to leave the lights on.

Come on, I wasn’t kissing her, I was just mumbling in her mouth.

Love is the only kind of fire that has no insurance policy.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can ever have, the older she gets, the more focused he is in her.

It’s dangerous to make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbours aren’t blind like love is.

Of course; love is sightless yet marriage is a real eye-opener.

Funny quotes about relationship

The survival of man depends on relationships. No man can exist without any sort of relationship. Be it romantic, symbiotic, or anything, man needs relationships to survive. But most of all, man thrives in a relationship that is full of good moments. These funny quotes relationships tips are a perfect way to express this.

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life

It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favourite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party.

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.

I will never deny that life isn’t fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a dirt bag.

READ ALSO: Inspiring new beginning quotes

Funny quotes about relationships

No, you simply cannot survive without a little dose of humour. No relationship can survive without humour. Even if the relationship does not last, even if it left you hurt and broken, these funny quotes life and relationship sayings are what you need to move on.

If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back

I like my coffee like I like my men. I don’t drink coffee.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of is missing, and what’s there stinks.

I’m happy with my relationship status: I’m about to get married. I just don’t know to who yet.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps.

The Venn diagram of boys who don’t like smart girls and boys you don’t wanna date is a circle.

READ ALSO: Best music quotes and sayings

Funny quotes about school

There is no point in taking school too serious now, is there? We all go to school to learn and have fun while at it. Check out these funny quotes school sayings and remarks. They will surely make your study life worth a memory.

I just said school starts tomorrow but I never said I was gonna to be there.

As long as algebra is still taught in school, we aren’t going to stop prayer in school.

I go to school, yes, but I never learn what I really want to know.

Whenever I say I miss school, I mean my playmates and classmates and the funny stuff. Not the school.

Did you know; Education is a continuous discovery of our own incomprehension.

You’re taught a lesson then given a test in school but life teaches you a lesson for the test that you’re given.

It’s very impossible for a man to assimilate what he thinks he had it already.

Funny quotes about friends

The main reason why we all got friends is that they make our life worth living. Sometimes they annoy the hell out of us, but most times they create memories that we can never outlive them. And, sometimes, all they do is to put smiles on our faces. These funny quotes for friends perfectly express what friendship stands for in a humorous way.

Friends are like walls, at times you incline on them and at times its better just knowing that they are there.

Did you know that good friends are like stars, you can’t see them always but you know they’re there?

I’m not sure which one is tighter, our jeans or our friendship.

Oh yes; good friends don’t let their friends do crazy stuff alone.

It’s only me and my best friend that do liaise with just facial expressions.

Funny quotes about life lessons

Life is a school in itself. Actually, it is the only school where learning never ends. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but no matter the outcome, you will always walk away with a lesson. The best way to express these lessons is by using funny quotes short sayings and thoughts that compound major lessons into short phrases.

My hypothesis says that the hardest task anyone does in life is to appear normal.

Actually, you can’t always supervise who walks into your life but you can always decide which window you throw them out of your life.

Life’s a garden you simply need to tent it and make it look better.

I realized that life isn’t just a crazy joke, because I don’t just get it.

Relax, life doesn’t have to be ideal to be marvellous.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

Funny quotes about birthday

Yay! It’s a birthday. The only day we are allowed to drench others in water as a way of marking a major milestone in their lives. What other better way to express such lovely moments than to use funny quotes pictures and funny quotes motivation phrases to remember such beautiful moments.

You’ve already had of the three ages of man – youth, age, and “you are still strong and looking wonderful.”

You are only young once, but you can stay childish always.

Hey! I hope your birthday is just the beginning of a year full of happiness, Happy birthday!

Happy birthday! You may grow a year old every year, but I hope your spirit remains youthful and stronger.

A simple commemoration, a tweetup of friends; here is wishing you great pleasure, a joy that never ends. Happy birthday buddy.

I can’t believe that someone so troublesome and childish grew up to be someone so lovely. Happy Birthday.

Before you go out today, empty your pockets because It’s your day to have others treat you! I hope you enjoy your birthday-day.

As a surprise gift, I wanted to give you something that was both funny and charming, but then I remembered you already have me so I brought myself.

I made you a birthday cake to celebrate, but I couldn’t light the candles; only because the fire department requires a permit for bonfires. Chuckles and cheers!!!!!!.

You want to laugh and forget all troubles? Make use of the best funny quotes for any occasion. A smile a day may just be what you need to keep the doctor away.

Source: Tuko.co.ke

Source: https://www.tuko.co.ke/289685-short-funny-quotes-occasion.html

[jumpsitehq]

200 Best Sarcasm Quotes and Sarcasm Sayings & Messages

Ever wish to be honest without hurting somebody’s feelings? One perfect way to do it is through sarcasm. It’s funny and witty, brings humor into our lives but it gives the most brutal kind of honesty too. So here we collected some of awesome 99 Best Sarcasm Quotes and Sarcasm Sayings & Messages. Even some of the best life lessons we learn are from the most sarcastic quotes we read over the internet or from our dearest friends and family. Although some people find it difficult to understand the hidden meaning of our sarcastic messages, others have no problem in finding the sense of it at all. We also have a great collection of Insomnia Quotes & Angry Status.

200 Best Sarcastic Quotes

1. I’M 2% Cute & 98% Single. 2. All You Need Is Love 5M $. 3. I’M Like Monday. Nobody Likes Me. 4. True Love: I Love More Than Free Wi-Fi. 5. Your Crush + Fast Replies = Imagination. 6. I’ve Never Faked A Sarcasm In My Life. 7. Are You Free Tomorrow? No I’M Expensive. 8. I Love Education But Without Examination. 9. Avracadabra ! Nope. You’re Still A Bitch. 10. You Remind Me Of My Chinese Friend. Ug Lee 11. World Biggest Lie ” I’ll Always With You “. 12. Let’s Just Stay Friends = Never Talk Again. 13. Money Can Buy Happiness, It’s Called “Food”. 14. First Rule Of 2017 ” Never Talk About 2016 “. 15. Conjuring 2 Is For Kids. Real Men Get Married. 16. Not Everyone Likes Me But Not Everyone Matters. 17. If You Are Late, Don’t Rush You’re Already Late. 18. Sarcasm : Just One Of The Many Services I Offer. 19. If You Don’t Have Something Nice To Say, Hush It. 20. I Don’t Understand You. I Don’t Speak Assholian. 21. Always Be Yourself, Except During Job Interviews. 22. Losing Your Best Friend Is Worse Than A Break Up. 23. I Am ” Eats Ice Cream In Winter ” Type Of Person. 24. Single Bell….Single Bell….Single All The Way. 25. Life Is Full Of Fake People. Don’t Trust Blindly. 26. I Would Slap You, But That Would Be Animal Abuse. ( Sarcasm Quotes . 27. Every Year Thousand People Quit Smoking, By Dying ! 28. I’M Single Because Nobody Believes That I’M Single. 29. I Was On Diet For 30 Days & All I Lost Was 30 Days. 30. Yes, I’M Online 24X7, But I Hardly Chat With Anyone. 31. If Nobody Hates You. You Are Doing Something Boring. 32. People Get Mad When You Treat Them How They Treat You. 33. Happiness Is You And Your Best Friend Hate Same Person. 34. Sarcasm Is The Body’s Natural Defense Against Stupidity. ( Sarcasm Quotes . 35. Tip For 2017 : Don’t Get Emotionally Attached To Anyone. 36. My Secret Talent Is Getting Tired Without Doing Anything. 37. Don’t Remind Me How Old I Am ! I’ll Always Watch Cartoons. 38. My Problem Is That I Hate Maths But I Love Counting Money. 39. I Love All The Religions Because They All Bring Holidays ! 40. Studying Is My Drug. But Thanks To God. I Say No To Drugs.

Sarcasm Quotes for Twitter

41. Don’t Be Ashamed Of Who You Are. That’s Your Parent’s Job. 42. Everyone Is Matured Until Someone Brings Out Bubble Wrap ! 43. To Be Old & Wise, You Must First Have To Be Young & Stupid. 44. Sarcasm : Because Beating The Crap Out Of People Is Illegal. 45. The Hardest Part Of My Job Is…Being Nice To Stupid People ! 46. Never Laugh At Your Girlfriend’s Choice. You Are One Of Them. 47. It’s Okay If You Don’t Like Me…Not Everyone Has Good Taste. 48. If You Want A Sarcastic Answer, Don’t Ask A Stupid Question. 49. I Live For Two Reasons. 1 . I Was Born 2 . I Haven’t Died Yet. 50. Tom & Jerry Taught Me That Life Is Incomplete Without Enemies. 51. Dear 2017 : Make Sure You Don’t Come Up With Temporary People ! 52. I’M Actually Not Funny. I’M Just Mean & People Think I’M Joking. 53. I Don’t Believe In Plastic Surgery. But In Your Case, Go Ahead. 54. Brain Logic : Let’s Insult Our Best Friend Ore Than Our Enemies. 55. Just Wanna Be Rich Enough To Buy My Mom Everything She Deserves. 56. Show Me You’re Different & I won’t Treat You Like You’re Typical. 57. Thanks To The Wrong People In Life. They Teach The Right Lessons. 58. Sarcasm : The Ability To Insult Idiots Without Them Realizing It. 59. I’M Sorry What Language Are You Speaking ? It Sounds Like Bullshit. 60. Behind Every Successful Person…There’s Lot Of Unsuccessful Years.

61. Damaged People Are More Dangerous Because They Know How To Survive. 62. Everything Is Like Either Expensive, Illegal Or Won’t Text Me Back. 63. The World Is Filled With Good People. If You Can’t Find One, Be One. 64. 3 People Who Call Me. 1. My Mom. 2 . Wrong Number. 3 . Customer Care. 65. Closing Your Eyes After Turning Off The Alarm Is Very Dangerous Game. 66. Don’t Respect Her Because She’s A Girl. Respect Her Because You’re Man. 67. If The Teacher Tell You To Get Out, It Means You Have Won The Argument. 68. The Luckiest Are Those Who Fall Asleep As Soon As They Close Their Eyes. 69. Why People Buy Guitars Now A Days. 10% To Play, 90% To Click Profile Pic. 70. I Want One Of Those Jobs Where I Get Paid For Travelling Around The World. 71. Don’t Judge A Book By It’s Cover. Don’t Judge A Student By His Percentage. 72. May Be You Should Eat Some Makeup So You Can Be Pretty On The Inside Too. 73. My Girlfriend Is So Good At Playing Hide And Seek. I Haven’t Found Her Yet. 74. We Don’t Need Cctv Camera In Our Country. Neighbours & Relatives Are Enough. 75. When People Ask Stupid Questions I Feel Obligated To Give Sarcastic Answers. 76. I Don’t Care What People Think Of Me. At Least Mosquitoes Find Me Attractive ! 77. When I’M Free No One Texts Me ! & When I’M Busy. Bam ! Still No One Texts Me ! 78. True Bonding Is When You And Your Friends Are All Angry About The Same Thing. 79. If You Think Nobody Cares If You’re Alive, Try Missing A Couple Of Car Payments. 80. We All Have That One Teacher Who Give You Amazing Marks On Matter What You Write.

Sarcasm Quotes for Facebook

81. From The Moment I Saw You, I Knew I Was Gonna Spend He Rest Of My Life Avoiding You. 82. Babies Are So Lucky. They Can Sleep All The Day And Everyone Still Would Be Proud Of Them. 83. I’M Sorry I Hurt Your Feelings When I Called You Stupid. I Really Thought You Already Knew. 84. You Cried All Night ? You Were Hurt ? And No One Knows ? Congratulations ! You Are Mature Now. 85. I May Look Calm, But Inside My Mind I’ve Killed You 20 Times, In 5 Mins, In 20 Different Ways. 86. My Attitude In Exams. They Give Me Questions I Don’t Know. I Give Them Answers They Don’t Know. 87. I Can Only Please One Person Per Day. Today Is Not Your Day. Tomorrow Doesn’t Look Good Either. 88. I Love Texting People Who Reply Super Fast. It Makes Me Feel Like They Really Want To Talk To Me. 89. Bring Able To Respond With Sarcasm Within Seconds Of Stupid Question Is A Sign Of A Healthy Brain. 90. At Age Of 25, Others Want To Get Married And Have Kids But I Want My Parents In The Backseat Of My Audi 91. There Are Two Types Of People In The World. 1 . People Who Understand And Appreciate Sarcasm 2 . Idoits. 92. Askhole. A Person Who Constantly Asks For Your Advice, Yet Always Does The Opposite Of What You Told Them. 93. Need Money For College. Need College For A Job. Need A Job For Money. Who Was The Mastermind Behind This System ? 94. What’s The Point Of Education If You Still Throw Garbage On Street To Be Ultimately Picked By An Uneducated Person ? 95. If You Want To Change The World, Do It While You’re Single. Once You’re Married You Can’t Even Change The T.V Channel. 96. Not All Girls Are Made Of Sugar And Spice And Everything Nice. Some Girls Are Made Of Sarcasm, Wind And Everything Fine. 97. I’M Sorry, I Didn’t Realize That You’re And Expert On My Life And How I Should Live It ! Please Continue While I Takes Notes. 98. The Whole Purpose Of Sending A Text Is To Get A Reply Within Seconds Or Minutes Otherwise I Would Have Sent A Letter By F***In Mail. 99. My Future Wife Would Be Probably Texting Her Boyfriend About How They’re Gonna Stay Together. Haha, See You In A Couple Of Years, Sweetie. 100. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings, because I guarantee you not one bit of my self-esteem is tied up in your acceptance.

101. They say women speak 20,000 words a day. I have a daughter who gets that done by breakfast. 102. Excuse me, which level of hell is this? 103. When I’m feeling down and someone says “suck it up”, I get the urge to break their legs and say, “walk it off”. 104. You know that little voice inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? Yeah, I don’t have that. 105. You know what I like about people? Their dogs. 106. People who reply to my sarcasm with sarcasm are my favorite. 107. Have you ever met someone and thought, “There goes the reason why contraceptives were invented?” 108. I’d slap you but that would be animal abuse. 109. Most people have “Ah ha” moments. I have “Oh for f..ck’s sake, f..ck this shit” moments. 110. I have to stop saying how stupid you can be. Some people are starting to take it as a challenge. 111. I think Dildo is a perfectly acceptable insult. I’d call you a d..ck but you’re not real enough. 112. If your phone doesn’t ring, it’s me. 113. When something goes wrong in your life, just yell “Plot Twist” and move on. 114. If someone points at your black clothes and asks, whose funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, “haven’t decided yet.” 115. Sweetie, leave the sarcasm and insults to the pros. You’re going to hurt yourself. Go play in traffic. 116. What’s a queen without her king? Well, historically, better. 117. Abracadabra! Nope. You’re still a b..ch. 118. Oh. I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours? 119. When people see you laying down with your eyes closed, they still ask “Are you sleeping?” And I’m like, “No. I’m training to die.” 120. Come here you big, beautiful cup of coffee and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.

Sarcasm Quotes for Whatsapp

121. My alone time is sometimes for your safety. 122. Sometimes I wish I could get a refund on the time I have invested on people that weren’t worth it. 123. I wish more people were fluent in silence. 124. Deja Poo. The feeling that you’ve heard this crap before. 125. I’m a lady, but when I’m mad, I am an evil sadistic demon spawned b..ch from hell that will make you regret the day you were born. And when I’m happy, I like to bake cookies and shit. 126. I’m an odd combination of “really sweet” and “don’t mess with me.” 127. I am in one of those moods where I just want to throw a book at someone’s face and be like: I facebooked you. 128. Controlling my tongue is no problem. It’s my face that needs deliverance. 129. Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end 130. Hmmm, I’m going to file your opinions right here between “f..ck this” and “f..ck that”. 131. I’m not petty, I’m dead ass disrespectful and I will straight up disrespect you if you want to play that petty game. Your feelings will be hurt. 132. Everything I like is either expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back. 133. Some people are a human version of a migraine. 134. Grammar. The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit. 135. If only closed minds came with closed mouths. 136. People think I’m shy because I don’t get involved in their conversations. The truth is, I don’t give a f..ck what they’re talking about. 137. I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts. 138. It’s a beautiful day to leave me alone. 139. Congratulations! You’ve managed to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit again. Would you like an award for that? 140. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

141. Life is a soup and I’m a freaking fork. 142. Some people are just treasures that you just want to bury them. 143. Sweetie, I’m going to need you to put those few remaining brain cells together and work with me here, Okay? 144. In order to insult me, I must value your opinion. Nice try though. 145. I’ve got heels higher than your standards. 146. If you don’t like and still watch everything I do, b..tch you are a fan. 147. I may look calm but in my mind, I’ve killed you three times. 148. Oh sure, you’re smart. Sesame Street smart. 149. Don’t worry about what I’m doing. Worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing. 150. I’d rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea. 151. Oh, my bad. I’m sorry for bothering you. I forgot I only exist when you need me for something. 152. If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question. 153. Shhhhhhhhhhhhh. No one cares. 154. Oh, you hate me? Join the club! There are weekly meetings at the corner of F..ck You St. and Kiss My Ass Blvd. 155. I’m 97% sure you don’t like me but I’m 100% sure I don’t care. 156. Your flexibility amazes me. How do you get your food in your mouth and your head up your ass all at the same time? 157. I don’t have a bad temper. I just have a quick reaction to bullshit. 158. Listen, I’m a nice person. So if I’m a b..ch to you, you need to ask yourself why. 159. Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived! 160. People say I act like I don’t care. It’s not an act.

161. I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I’m hilarious. 162. You are the result of 4 billion years of evolution. So act like it. 163. I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions. 164. I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me. 165. It’s nearly time for my Psychotic Break. 166. I know I don’t have to be sarcastic, but the world has given me so much material to work with. I would hate to be wasteful. 167. Here’s a tissue, you have a little bullshit on your lip. 168. Only dead fish go with the flow. 169. Some people will only like you if you fit inside their box. Don’t be afraid to shove that box up their ass. 170. If I say “First of all”. Run away because I have prepared research, data, and charts and will destroy you. 171. In my defense, I was left unsupervised. 172. I am a nice person. Just don’t push the b..ch button. 173. The B..ch Slap. Keeping a..holes in line since 1836. 174. Warning. I’m bored. Things could get dangerous. 175. I am currently experiencing life at the speed of 15 wtf’s per hour. 176. Interviewer: What do you make at your current job? Me: Mostly mistakes and inappropriate comments. 177. I’m confident my last words will be, “Are you fu…ng kidding me?” 178. I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than f..ck. 179. We all have problems. Some of us just choose not to post them on Facebook. 180. In all honesty, things would’ve never worked between us. I’m a unicorn, you’re a donkey; I’m majestic, and you my love are just an ass.

181. It must be hard putting makeup on your two faces every day. 182. Nothing brings a group of a…holes together faster than something that’s none of their business. 183. Don’t be an a..hole to me, cause then I have to be an a..hole to you. And I’m way better at being an a..hole than you are. 184. My decision-making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street. 185. Some people are like Slinky’s. Pretty much useless but make you smile when you push them down the stairs. 186. I would like to confirm that I do not care. 187. Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. 188. Breaking someone’s trust is like crumpling up a perfect piece of paper. You can smooth it over but it’s never going to be the same again. 189. Please cancel my subscription to your issues. 190. Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. Whatever works. 191. Patience. What you have when there are too many witnesses. 192. Good judgment comes from experience. And experience? Well, that comes from poor judgment. 193. I don’t know how to accept compliments. So thanks, suck a d..ck or whatever. 194. I need a cocktail. Hold the tail. 195. I’ve met some pricks in my time, but you my friend, are the f..cking cactus. 196. I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work. 197. Quick Tip: Mind your own motherf…ng goddamn business b..ch. 198. My loyalty cannot be bought. However, it can be rented. 199. I’m definitely a morning person but often choose to sleep straight through it. 200. Mom: What did you learn in school today sweetheart? Me: Obviously not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.

In every sarcastic remark we hear, there is always some truth behind it. It’s easier to express our feelings to other people by being sarcastic. It makes the person laugh a little and accept the advice you say without them feeling offended. But being sarcastic can be a little harsh as well. We find ourselves using sarcastic quotes or remarks usually when we deal with our friends and family members. We use it as a way of dealing with issues in relationships, in decision making, and in life in general. If you want to know why sarcasm has now become a meaningful way to express one’s feelings, you have to familiarize yourself with them.