#Obviously I'll write much of anything but this is where I really go feral

[morgana-ren]

What's your biggest fantasy kink?

The power imbalance of an older nastier man drives me wild. Want to take advantage, hurt me and use me? Yes pls thank you Sir. Manipulate me into behaving as your perfect pet, never letting me go, willing to share with a couple of his besties who are just as vile? Would kill for me but is never actually traditionally nice to me? Love it so hard.

This is very much a question that I don't think you want the answer to lmao. I have adhd and it's early so forgive the rambling, but it's hard for me to narrow it down. There's a lot, and I'm sure I will have forgotten something.

I've had years upon years to ponder myself, what I like, and by proxy, why I enjoy the things I do. Through that, I was able to let go of any shame or guilt that I might have felt initially, and thus it was allowed to run rampant. Whether or not it's healthy is another question, but that's for therapy to answer, not me.

Power imbalance is a huge one, and so is someone older, bigger, and stronger. Not being afraid to use those things in such a way as to get what they want, much like you said. A professor; a boss; a dragon; a pirate-- something or someone of immense power over my life and likely others. Someone you don't approach with ease. These aren't characters that fit in or blend well in society.

They're unhinged and usually very dangerous. Looking at the characters I like (Reaver, Tomura, Asto, etc) these are people that are very powerful, very dangerous, and very immoral to the point you could argue a black and white evil perspective. I want someone older. I don't want a child who has barely had time to process the world and stumbles into a clumsy love with the first girl he sees. I want someone who has lived and seen and still rejected it all for me.

Fictional hybristophilia, I believe. Bad guys. Always bad guys. I do not ever like good guys with the same passion as I enjoy their worse counterparts to the point that it's more 'bff admiration' rather than an actual crush. I don't want someone that has power but doesn't use it. I don't want restraint. I want someone that wields it like a weapon and fine hones it to achieve their ends, banal ideas like 'right' or 'wrong' be damned.

I like the fear and the terror, and not just my end, but everyone else's. Being completely and utterly untouchable for better or worse because no one would fuck with them. I am, self admittedly, attracted to power. I like the type of power that makes you question even defending yourself against something blatantly horrible because they can and will hurt you to get their way.

I want fierce possession. Mine, mine, mine. I don't want to be one person in a 93 part harem. I want to be the only one. I require feeling special, and I don't like tropes where they try to make you jealous by belittling your looks or intelligence and comparing you to someone else or want to have you 'on the side' as well as a bunch of other people. It's very much a 'My wife/girl/pet/whatever' thing for me.

They'll hurt you, ever enough to lose you. They'd never, ever kill you. It's not a matter of 'If I can't have you, no one can.' It's a shrug and a simple murder of whatever the threat is. There is no escape. This is your life now. Accept it or don't. It's cute when you fight.

Infantilization, in a way. Thanks in part to childhood trauma and the way-- or lack thereof-- that I was raised, I've always had to take charge and be in control. I don't want to anymore. I want someone who takes that control and that power with ease. I don't want to be treated like a child or a baby, but I don't want to be the bigger, smarter one that can outwit my partner with ease. I want to feel small and 'taken care of,' in a way. Small and cute and helpless. Adorable in their rage, and all that.

Essentially, a sub in quite literally every conceivable way. I don't like taking charge, or making decisions, and my head is so loud and messy all the time that thinking is painful. I don't trust my own judgement. I don't wanna. I want someone dastardly intelligent who is comfortable taking the control, and does so with ease. Someone who doesn't need my help constantly and is comfortable in their skin and with their mind in ways I'm not.

I do like violence. Choking me out, forcefully maneuvering me, slapping, whatever. A lot of it is just violence gets them off. I don't want a manchild that can't manage their own emotions so often that they just explode in a violent rage, but more of... think of like a stern teacher. Or someone tickled by your attempts at overpowering them. Someone who gets off on it.

I like malevolent assholes is what I'm saying. Ones that manipulate and abuse and act like monsters, but would burn the world down just to have you. Can and will. It very much is an obsession, and it's one that doesn't die. Can't do abandonment. They fully intend on forever, so that's what it will be.

I'm not opposed to being 'shared' but it would be an extremely rare situation and wouldn't be purely sexual. We're talking these are people that are EXTREMELY close to the person in question and it's not just to humiliate. Think like 'three husbands' type of deal. Perhaps they're inseparable or whatever else, but it's not something given lightly AT ALL, and they'd kill anyone who tries unless it's in VERY specific circumstances.

I'm a bitch. Or in this context, a brat. They have to like that. I can't have a finnicky control freak who doesn't enjoy the dynamic and tries to breed it out of me. Amused by it, and never threatened by it. I'll never be a quiet, demure little thing, but they take pleasure in trying. Occasionally I like fights to spawn over it, but not a consistent barrage of punishment to the point it loses the charm.

Think like... Someone who slaps you when you talk back too much, licks the blood from your lip, gets worked up and does absolutely deplorable things in bed but then curls around you purring mine and sleeps like a goddamn baby with you chained there next to them. Genuine love, but just displayed in the most horrible ways.

I'm whiny, emotionally stunted, touch starved, traumatized, isolated, brash, angry, intimidating, and not quite right in the head. So ultimately, my go-to are strong, powerful, dangerous, obsessive, possessive, deranged, intelligent, abusive bastards that aren't remotely intimidated by my facade, with fantasies that are worse than mine and the power to make it real. Usually sexual deviants. Collars, leashes, and not even in a petplay sort of way, but in a 'you belong to me and you aren't going anywhere' way. Someone who loves me with such a fierce, covetous desire that it drives them mad. I want to be small compared to them, protected by them, etc.

You can imagine what this says about my psyche. Someone who could decode this could quite literally get my entire life's gimmick, and it's not hard.

Look, I am aware it's literally impossible. Someone who loves you would never treat you like this, and in real life, this would be and is a nightmare. I am well aware of the line between fantasy and fiction and have unfortunately lived it. But in my fantasy world in my head? That's what I go for.

[kafus]

a likodot themed analysis of HZ049

hello it's been a while since my last truly longform post like this but guess who watched HZ049 today and is going absolutely fucking feral bonkers about it. it's me. and i have things to say about it of the likodot variety because if i don't get these thoughts out of my head i'll explode.

forgive me for my shipping bias because i'm not sorry. however i am slightly sorry for how messy this post ended up being my god i had a lot of thoughts but i did my best to make this at least somewhat entertaining to read and comprehensive. but it really is a long winding mess LOL. FULL OF PASSION AND ADORATION I LOVE THIS SHOW AND I LOVE LIKO AND DOT MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD

obviously there are heavy spoilers below the cut i'm going to be violently pulling apart all the scenes where these two interact and gnawing at all of it

so. first off. this episode displays massive growth in liko and dot's relationship by method of showing how much liko's behavior around gurumin has changed since these two met and since dot initially confessed to being gurumin. as we all know liko was a massive superfan of gurumin, and then when dot confessed to being gurumin... well liko's reaction was. Uh

well she was having a little bit of a crisis about it LOL. historically liko has gotten very flustered and panicked when reminded that dot is gurumin. and she has been really prone to fangirling still (ie. getting really excited about helping gurumin in HZ019 with the bakery stuff or helping gurumin with the pig town stuff in HZ036), despite knowing the person in the suit. she goes as far as to try to ignore that dot is in the suit entirely and keep them separate in her brain (shown for instance by her freaking out over seeing dot halfway in the gurumin suit in HZ039) because if she were to mentally cross those wires, she wouldn't be able to handle it.

but now in this episode, things have obviously changed a lot over time. the episode opens with a small scene that explains what dot is doing about gurumin while they are traveling on the terastal course (filming them beforehand and scheduling ahead of time lol) but liko and dot have a conversation about (a really CUTE conversation) about gurumin in the process.

do not get it twisted, liko is still very much a fan of gurumin, but this conversation is a lot more comfortable and grounded. she gets a notification about a new gurumin video and she's excited (and surprised because of the timing), but she is not panicking about it. and her first reaction to this information is to directly ask dot (with the softest expression fucking ever??) about it. this directly connects dot and gurumin together in a strong way. liko is no longer running from the fact that dot is the youtuber she looks up to, and in fact she's being pretty upfront about it.

not related to my main point, but i also just want to gush a little here about this scene more - dot reacts similarly to liko showing so much affection for her work in a similar way to how she reacted in HZ008 to liko complimenting her through the door - getting flustered about liko's genuine energy, but this time they know each other and are looking at each other face to face. liko's affectionate energy is enough to make her relent that maybe someday... she could film outside... which shows the sort of effect liko has on her. and also this becomes relevant later in the episode where dot literally does film gurumin videos outside - it's just good writing/foreshadowing lol

anyway, this continues later on when liko is the first to get worried about dot doing the battle livestream with nanjamo as gurumin instead of herself. i think if this situation had happened much earlier on, liko would have been thinking a lot more about the excitement of the idea of seeing gurumin battle in real life, but she doesn't even initially have that thought and have to backtrack, she's immediately worried about dot instead.

ironically, liko recognizing that gurumin isn't dot, as in gurumin is a mask that dot puts on instead of being representational of her true self, drives home liko's recognition of dot as gurumin even more. she understands the connection between dot and gurumin and what gurumin is to dot enough to have this concern in the first place - one roy initially doesn't understand, that is specific to liko. there is zero compartmentalization of dot being a youtuber here! liko is concerned about her friend who is an influencer, where she puts on a mask to be confident and outgoing. dot and gurumin are fully connected.

it's also worth acknowledging that liko holds the gurumin suit and is concerned about it being damaged but nothing more - unlike in HZ021 when she goes to dot's room to give her the suit after it's been washed and cleaned, and she's a little nervous and flustered about it still.

i've always talked about how there's a bit of a difference between shipping liko and dot, and liko and gurumin - not that those two sectors have zero overlap, but that to liko, gurumin and dot were usually kept so separate mentally that fans online could often be sorted into camps of being interested in the running silliness of liko's fascination and flustered behavior with the whole gurumin thing, and liko and dot's connection with each other as normal (girl)friends... liko has progressively adjusted more to dot being gurumin and has had moments where she is able to set aside her fangirl heart to be there for dot (like when she mentions dot being gurumin in her little supportive speech in HZ027), but this episode shows that in a much more drastic and meaningful way, and now those two sectors are FULLY overlapping canonically. i think it is overall a sweet and good thing for them that liko is able to see dot as a whole and directly appreciate her creative skills/work. it is obviously meaningful to dot!

TLDR;

HZ039:

HZ049:

you get the point.

NOW. onto the SECOND thing i want to talk about. the thing i've dubbed LIKODOT TELEPATHY. aka holy shit these girls understand each other without words. liko and dot understand each other on an intrinsic level and often notice when the other is worried, or pushing themselves too hard, or etc. that is EXTREMELY evident in this episode through liko's concern towards dot.

going back to the first scene before the opening theme, liko detects immediately when dot comments on roy's upbeat attitude that dot might be feeling nervous about her upcoming battle, and immediately offers reassurance.

(unfortunately i have to put aside my ramble about liko's continued lack of self esteem and her putting herself down here for another time because otherwise this post will get so off-topic and longer than it has any right to be, but you get the point. also holy shit dot saying "you don't have to fuss so much" but smiling and saying that line like she's happy to have liko fretting about her makes me CRAZY. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. BUT. coughs. ANYWAY)

then, like i mentioned earlier, liko is the first to be worried about dot in this episode. she's the first to notice dot's anxious/shutting down behavior:

the first to recognize that dot might actually walk away unhappy if she were to do her terastal exam as gurumin instead of herself:

and the first to recognize that her filming videos outside is not as genuinely upbeat and happy as it may seem:

(two quick side notes about this, i really like how the writing puts emphasis on liko's concern by contrasting roy's total lack of it multiple times - NOT that he doesn't care of course, but just that liko understands dot particularly well and is in touch with dot's feelings in a special way that roy isn't. additionally, it makes me feel crazy that dot probably got the idea to film outside from liko's affectionate encouragement in the first scene in the episode... like, she's basically trying to use liko's advice to hype herself up and get through this... of course she would!! trusting liko's words has always ended up positively for her!! liko is such a massive support for her!! and liko acknowledges herself that yeah she said that but that isn't what she meant. GOD. i'm so insane about these girls)

this is notable not only because it's very sweet that liko is so concerned about dot, but also because dot doesn't really understand this herself. she is trying so hard to put on the gurumin facade, to run away from her anxiety as far as possible, to avoid the bad. and yet despite her attempts to cover her true feelings up as much as possible, even from herself, liko sees straight through it. dot cannot mask around liko, she understands regardless, sees the parts of her she doesn't want to acknowledge.

the contrast between dot's understanding of herself and liko's understanding of her is immense. directly after dot boldly proclaims that she feels so much stronger as gurumin and happily mentions that she has nanjamo's permission to do their battle as gurumin is when liko finally confronts her. the difference in mood is startling, almost, and easily shows that contrast. i need to break down this confrontation in detail cause it makes me insane

first, liko is still too nervous to say what she wants to say, but as per usual with LIKODOT TELEPATHY (tm) dot immediately notices liko going into her polite i-don't-want-to-inconvenience-you voice and pushes for what the matter is. she can tell immediately that liko has a problem even though liko hasn't said anything yet.

liko doesn't want to rock the boat and is overly gentle with her words (once again i have to push aside my ramble about liko's confidence problems AGH) but finally speaks her piece about the situation.

i want to mention here as well, these two situations are very different, but the similarities of dot noticing liko pushing herself back in HZ027 and then liko recognizing dot pushing herself in kind... SIIIGH

dot's reaction is to stammer with MUCH less confidence than before that she wasn't forcing anything. she's taken offguard by liko's concerns, but it's evident she recognizes what liko is saying within herself and is grappling with trying to maintain her mental wall after liko has cracked it in half with her words. liko was right and saw right through her, and dot isn't sure how to handle it. she avoids eye contact and everything.

this is where i bridge my conversation about likodot telepathy into talking about dot's characterization and growth as a character, so bear with me - quaxly attempts to drive the point liko is making home by separating dot from the gurumin suit, but afterwards is... The Scene. liko tries to bring the conversation back to what they were saying before, but at this point dot is overwhelmed by quaxly's actions and feels socially/emotionally cornered and... she explodes and screams at liko.

i think it's an interesting part of her personality that she is prone to irritable/angry outbursts and yelling when she has her buttons pushed too far and i'm glad that remains consistent for her, especially because...

the last time dot yelled directly at liko like this was in HZ008. the situation is actually quite similar with dot being pushed too far into a situation she doesn't know how to handle by liko reaching out to her more than she is ready for, causing her to lash out. but some MAJOR things have changed since then - obviously, the first time was through the door before they really knew each other, before liko had even seen her face, but this time it's up close and personal and they know each other. but secondly, at the beginning of the show, dot is irritated and overwhelmed by pretty much any attempt at conversation. she has come such a long way that now she's brought to screaming by something much, much more massive, with the whole being streamed live while battling in real life thing, showing how much she has overcome since then... and not only that!! thirdly! the first time, liko was encouraging gurumin, sharing how much of a fan of gurumin she was, and now this second time, it's in reaction to liko essentially telling her "i don't think you actually want to be gurumin in this situation". point is, the amount of growth dot has had is ironically so easy to see in her screaming at liko here because of the sheer level of contrast between the two times it's happened.

by this happening again, it also gives dot the chance to recognize her own shitty behavior and apologize for yelling later even though liko (nor roy) were asking for an apology - in fact they seemed to be surprised that dot wanted to apologize in the first place, like they had forgotten all about it. i think both liko and roy are used to shrugging off some of dot's more irritable behaviors, but this time dot noticed herself that she messed up and takes that moment to say sorry, which is sweet of her and once again a moment of character growth.

considering that dot also follows this up with the statement that she will take her terastal exam as herself, the apology is also connected to it - like she recognized that what liko was saying, the thing that made her yell, ended up being true. it was liko's genuine attempt to help her. and now that she's come to that conclusion on her own, she can see that yelling was even more misguided.

and that's my final conversation topic about this episode - the fact that dot came to that conclusion on her own. yes, liko cracked the wall she was putting up and gave her that starting push, but dot went above and beyond to take that crack and then smash that wall into pieces without liko's help. which despite what it sounds like i think is extremely important for these two's dynamic moving forward.

i'm going to spare you the analysis of dot's fear of cameras, why she hides behind gurumin, as well as a breakdown of the whole part of the episode with varoom bc i'm trying to talk mostly about likodot here, but assuming you've watched the episode you know what i'm talking about. here, i'm focused on the part where liko exclaims that they have to help dot, and dot denies her help and says she wants to handle it on her own, and then from this experience she is able to conclude she wants to do her terastal exam as herself.

this is massive. for so long, liko has practically dragged dot along and held her hand through tackling new experiences... sometimes literally lol, thinking about the scene in HZ027 where liko drags dot to chase after terapagos by the arm. but anyway, on top of that, this is also different from her standing up to her mom in HZ041, which was ALSO massive, but a large part of that episode consisted of liko's interventions, and she was pushed into that situation where she really had no choice in the matter. she had to if she wanted to stay on the brave asagi which was non negotiable. but here? there was nothing stopping dot from just taking the help and running from the cameras. in fact it probably would have been much easier to do that. but she wants to prove herself, and not because she has to to get the thing she wants, but just because... she wants to. she wants to succeed on her own.

and i think that's really important in the context of not just dot herself, but likodot, because while it is very sweet of liko to constantly be pushing dot and leading her to further self understanding and more confidence, and i will always be emotional about liko essentially caring for her to the point of dot braving ending her time as a NEET, the end goal for that should always be that dot is given confidence in herself to exist as a person independently of liko's pushing, for her own sake.

i think it's also incredibly meaningful that liko saw this happen - she experienced running out to help dot like usual, and then actually having her advances denied, but not for bad reasons this time... she gets to see dot be a better version of herself and come to that conclusion liko tried to push earlier, on her own accord, in her own way.

i say all this because i want liko to be able to love dot not as a person to fix but also just... a person. i want what liko has done for her to cause dot to be a better person outside of what liko does, for herself. and i want liko to be able to love the wonderful and more confident person dot becomes as a result. do you understand. am i making sense. GAH. i am so worked up about this. i'm holding them both in my hands and shaking them violentlySJDFJFSD

god. thank you for reading if you've actually come this far. i am going to end off this messy and deranged casual "essay" with a couple of notes i wasn't sure how to fit anywhere else.

one, i think it's very nice that when roy thinks dot's in trouble, liko is sure enough in dot's intelligence and battling skills to say with great confidence that dot MUST have a plan

and TWO, AHHHH I'M SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT EPISODE AHHHH AHHHHHH WE ARE GOING TO GET EVEN MORE DOT CHARACTERIZATION AND GROWTH AND SHE'S GOING TO FACE HER MENTOR FIGURE HOW AM I GOING TO HANDLE IT AFTER ALREADY WRITING THIS MUCH ABOUT THE FIRST EPISODE IN THIS TWO-PARTER AND ALSO WHAT WAS THIS GAY SHIT IN THE EPISODE PREVIEW AHHHH AHHH

thank you for coming to my ted talk. goodnight tri state area

[slaingelo]

for your apocalypse au, have you thought about what started it, or what type of zombies it is? i absolutely love zombie media, like i go insane for zombies shows/movies/books, so this au is v interesting

YEAH !!!!

i'll be talking about viruses here n shtuff specifically rabies a lot so anyone who's squicked out by that feel free to skip this post.

so if you're like, into the scientific analysis of "how could something cause this IRL" with zombies you probably know that it very frequently goes back to rabies, if not mushrooms/parasites, being the closest real world comparison !! so like first i'm going to dive into rabies because my zombies here are directly based on it.

first off right off the bat. rabies, in real life, does not make humans turn into feral monsters.

I'm going into writing this with the assumption that Someone reading this might not be familiar with rabies, so anon if you're reading this and you already know a lot about rabies I'm sorry !! you activated the AUTISM and I'm goin ham, take most of this to be directed at anyone else who's reading. i might have a few of my facts mixed or jumbled as well because I'm relying on memory for all of this so take it with a grain of salt !!!

SO;

the reason animals become so violent is generally more so due to the confusion and fear rabies causes. while some humans need to be tied down, it's generally for their own safety or so they don't hit anyone. hit, not bite. sometimes they flail around. it's very rare for rabies to transfer between humans because humans don't have a reason to bite- if scared, flailing/hitting/scratching is more natural to us, and rabies is only transferred through saliva.

as an important note to how the zombie virus in my story works, its important to understand that rabies travels through the nervous system; not the blood. before symptoms appear, it's in a rest period. once symptoms appear, even just a mild headache, it is too late. [don't take this to be fear mongering lmao. just like, don't handle wild animals if you're not trained to and if you think you've been bit by anything go get your post-exposure rabies shot.]

so !! the virus in my au is a direct evolution of the rabies virus. the zombies because of this technically aren't even zombies, since they're not dead; but they're basically just hosts to the virus. their consciousness deteriorates so much that there's no Them in there anymore really.

this is where it kinda slightly leans into a slight idea of parasite-y shit even if it's not a parasite; if the host dies, the virus can't spread anymore, so unlike real world rabies that ends in death Quickly, this one wracks the body's system much slower. while this means there's more time to find some way to be saved depending on your circumstances, it also means if you don't, it's going to be worse for you. you'll be terribly sick and then just... gone to the most animalistic instincts that were locked away in your head [attack anything that moves, eat eat eat eat-]

and on that note ! one of the biggest issues if you think too hard about it with rabies -> zombies is that you can't really swallow when rabies takes hold. hydrophobia develops, and the brain starts to fuck up on muscle control and movements. so yeah this is kinda just getting cut out for the evolved version here, let's say this smarter virus evolved to Not do that so the host survives longer via being able to still eat. hydrophobia remains because I said so, though probably more so in the way that they can't swim and would just sink to the bottom of any body of water- so the virus just makes them stay away from it.

ANYWAYS.!!!! yeah the virus moving slowly through the body is how Blue survives, Green cut off his arm while all the virus was still In It. Obviously this won't work if you get bit somewhere worse, but most bites would probably be in the arm anyways. you'd also kinda need a trustworthy companion because chances are you'll be out of commission for a bit and likely infected with some other bullshit because hey !!! shit ain't aseptic out here !! Green was able to find some antibiotics that helped, but Blue wasn't doing too hot for a bit there. it's a very risky idea but it worked out for them...

AS FOR HOW IT ALL STARTED I haven't though about that too much honestly. mostly because all the characters are just- normal people. they had no involvement with whatever happened, but i thought up a few ideas since there surely would've been Some news reporting, and my favourite one;

natural evolution of the rabies virus. suddenly, even though it was supposed to be gone from the area, reports of rabid animals were showing up again- and now, lots more people too. it seems like the post exposure vaccine isn't helping anymore...

some other ideas i had that i was less fond of but might as well put out;

a cliche "someone was fucking around and finding out about creating a bioweapon out of rabies and it Went Terribly Wrong, who'da thunk!"

i think it's been done in some movie idk i don't watch many zombie movies, where it was specifically rabies that a human caught that they then intentionally spread to other humans and it got stronger with direct spreading to more human hosts or something idk

i think i had more ideas but like idk this is what i could remember HGJDSGHDSH anyways i hope that's a pretty clear answer, kinda went a bit off topic now and then i kinda wanted an excuse to info dump about rabies. for the ppl who were saying it sounded like an interesting interest when i mentioned it before here you go. i need to make a nuclear apocalypse au......

[lingy910y]

Gallavich Questionnaire

Thank you @energievie for tagging me to do this! I get too unhinged when talking about these two boys, so warning for very elaborate ramblings 🙏

1. What’s a fic you’ve read more than once?

This fic is the prime example of why you should write a fic even if you think nobody’s going to read it, because it’s my favorite gallavich fic even though most people don’t want to read about them getting a divorce. But I do, okay, because a normal break-up doesn’t cut it (especially since we already see those in canon, but post-canon is up to our interpretation) and it’s just more serious. I think they will work out their issues before it gets too far in canon but it just hurts so fucking good. The reason for their divorce is so realistic too, in fact it’s not one but a lot of problems piled on top of each other. They think it’s only going to hurt everyone involved including their children, which is arguably true in context, but they can’t resist each other and it’s this back and forth push. There’s parallels to canon, the writing is so good without being drawn out, and there’s so much nuance, emotion, and subtly hinting at something beneath the surface. The pining is just delicious because it’s not “I don’t know if you feel this way about me” or “I’m not allowed to be with you,” it’s “I want to be with you so badly but I’m trying to resist that because it’s going to hurt everyone.” Then the trying so hard not to care because “we’re over, but you’re in trouble and I’m trying to move on and I’m never going to love someone else like I love you” 😭😭😭 anyway I actually had to stop myself from rereading too often for comfort because it was too much LOL

the author said they were going to update it January of this year so I’ll be patiently waiting 😔

3. What's a headcanon you can't stop thinking about?

You know that post abt how when you're sleepy you imagine your favs sleepy? I keep imagining Ian wrapping their comforter around Mickey like a cocoon when he has a nightmare and cuddling him, it's cute

4. What's a fanart you love looking at?

The first image of this by @gallavichonly JUST GETS ME SO FERAL. THEIR FUCKING EXPRESSIONS.

5. What’s an idea you’d love to create if you had the time/inspiration?

I want to draw a character concept art sheet for their outfits/weapons/mechanics for kinda a zombie apocalypse AU. Designing that sounds fun but I need to research more

6. What’s something you’ve discovered since entering this fandom? A new trope you love? A different analysis of the show? Something else?

The jealousy trope, especially jealous Mickey. I guess in other fandoms, people write jealousy in a really possessive, cringy way. Not saying gallavich aren't possessive as fuck but at least they earned it, you know? There's too many ships where one of them is breathing down the other person's love interest's neck but they don't even know you exist, like calm down 😭 Meanwhile gallavich tease and try to get each other to admit it first, and Mickey is biting his tongue trying not to say anything and then "Fucking cheat on me, Ian?!", "Whatcha doin' here then?" AND THEIR EXPRESSIONS WHEN THEY EACH SAY "WHEN YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW" ARUGHHHHHH I'M SO GONE

7. What’s an underrated trope or concept you’d like to see more of?

Touched on this earlier but basically the more tragic/gritty ones—a huge argument, break-ups, unrequited love, falling out of love, hanahaki, amnesia, MCD...

10. What scene or moment do you feel isn’t discussed enough?

Eh I think we've dissected the shit out of every scene lmao, but probably their s4 reunion? The lap dance?

11. What line/dialogue/description from something else (a poem, a book, a tv show, a movie, or something else) do you feel describes Ian and Mickey’s relationship?

Obviously "I'll take care of you. / It's rotten work. / Not to me. Not if it's you."

12. What do you think is next for Ian and Mickey post-finale?

I want Ian to go back to being an EMT no matter what :( but their current security gig fits Mickey a lot. Ian also gets really into gardening, he'll be so good to the point where he'll be known in the neighborhood. And Mickey has a little hobby for drawing. They'll adopt a pitbull because Mickey was actually enthusiastic about that idea, which meets Ian halfway by still giving him something to take care of. Now for the elephant in the room: I think it's okay if Mickey never wants a kid, and there's a lot of issues ingrained in them that unless they go to therapy for a couple of years, hinder them from becoming perfect parents tbh. Now I'm not saying they'll be bad, but will their best be enough? Will they be content? Idk, I don't have any experience and I see them with more issues/flaws than the majority of the fandom? Honestly I just don't see that future for them (but I do enjoy kid AUs because who doesn't.) They'll stay on the West Side because I want them to get out but not stray too far from their family. I also can't think about them getting old or I'll sob, but I wrote a fic about how they'll retire and just live comfortably because it's what they deserve, and they'll take tons of vacations when they save up enough money.

oh my god that was way too much but in my defense i rarely get to rant abt them ok!! anyway now that I went through the whole spectrum of emotions, i'm tagging @michellemisfit, @lupeloto, @jademickian & @softmick 🚶‍♀️

[insecateur]

its my birthday today I wanna hear about sycamore and lysandre fucking

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay i'll tell you about a scenario i've been thinking about a lot and i'd like to write someday but idk when that'll be. putting it under a cut bc it's going to be very kinky and for once i have decided to spare you all

content warnings: pet play, cnc

basically lysandre and augustine have planned weekend getaways (they also take off mondays for reasons that will become obvious later) where they go either camping if i want to be fully self-indulgent or in a cabin in the woods and as soon as they arrive lysandre is allowed to switch into feral mode. become creature. after he's made sure everything is in order (you know he would prepare everything in advance knowing he won't have the braincells to do anything once he's fully settled) he takes off all of his clothes and stops thinking like a person and starts just being A Beast.

i like the camping option better bc it offers a lot of potential scenarios for them to roleplay like augustine pretending he's out there alone for research or whatever and then he gets Attacked By A Beast oh noooooooooooo hahaha what if i got fucked into the dirt by a wild creacher looking for a mate to breed with and what if it bit me really hard all over my neck and shoulders until i bled hahaha wouldn't that be something if i just got plowed over and over until it was satisfied and i could do nothing about it bc it's so much stronger and bigger than i am and there's nobody out there to help-----

but also they could have softer scenarios in-between like taking care of my very good pet who is protecting me from the evils of the forest and oh no he went out to wrestle in the mud and now he's all dirty and i have to clean him up with the hose and maybe i'm accidentally aiming the hose at his peanits and he likes that

as i keep writing this i get gradually more self-conscious about being this earnest but in honor of your birthday i am powering on

also obviously lysandre would eat out of a bowl on the floor (or he could be handfed if he's been very good :) ) and sleep also on the floor bc he's not a human being anymore. and there could be very sweet grooming scenes where augustine brushes his hair and stuff like that. and he could wear a tail plug. and they could also rp him being a breeding stud and having to have his junk checked and measured (which i suppose they could rp anywhere but the setting could make it more exciting. taking my huge breeding stud out to get his energy built up before i finally let him loose (i.e. breed me until he's dry))

uhhh where was i. oh yeah and then from time to time augustine would check in on lysandre to make sure he's still having a good time and bring him back up a bit during meals or before bed. and then at the end he would bring him fully back up very slowly and gently so they can go back home to spend monday Recovering From All Of That

ANYWAY YEHA UHHHHHHHH THAT TURNED OUT TO BE MORE ABOUT THEM DOING EXTREME KINK THAN HAVING SEX BUT I HOPE YOU WILL FORGIVE ME HAPP Y BIRTHDA

[kittytiddycommittee]

welcome to the first edition of my denial diaries(name subject to change and open to suggestions) . i'm writing this super early because i already know it's going to be a long one. by the time you respond to this i will probably have been denied a full 3 days. I thought it would be hot to do a little math and make projections. Obviously its super early so all of the following numbers are subject to change, but just the prospect is super hot to me and its hard to care about anything more than what makes my cock throb right now, in terms of pleasure its only been measured for this first little bout so with 2 minutes of humping and 3 days of denial gives me a ratio of 2159:1 minutes of denial to minutes of pleasure. in usable numbers i have to be denied for 36 hours for one minute of humping. if that ratio stays the same for the rest of the year it means i have in total a little over just 2 hours of pleasure to look forward to until 2025 and 4,438 hours of needy aching denial. If we include the previous bouts of denial i can't do minutes of pleasure, but i can tell you I'm currently averaging 8 days of denial per permission to orgasm which means i have about 23 chances to cum left for me in 2024, which is a little intimidating to think about given that would be on the low end of what i would do in a month before all of this. these numbers are all very subject to change because right now I'm working with one data point. they aren't meant to sway you to let me touch and/or cum any more or less than you want to it just makes me throb to think about it.

All the talk about buying toys has definitely had an effect on me. i cannot get over the fantasy of being tied down for you with all of the new toys im going to get laid out and then some, you can slowly go one by one telling me exaclty how they work and how they feel teaching my everything i need to know abotu each one and seeing if i my ass is ready to take each of them using the ones i can take to slowly open me up more and more until you know you can grab any toy you want knowing i can take it. you can even do some learning of your and see what toy you need to apply with what pressure where to make me throb and leak just how you want me to. That way i'll know everything i need to about my toys and you'll know everything you need to know about your toy. god im so horny. im at a point in denial where you just feel soo fucking vulnerable. like with one little push in the right direction you could just collapse as a person. I don't even really know what collapse means i just know im shaking with need and mentally ready to topple over. i'm litteraly aching for a release. i think i listened to a cumulative 2 hours of porn audios today which is way more than i usually do, but i just kept coming back for more. at first it was along side tasks, but by the end i was pacing my room or laying still on my stomach on the floor just to feel absolutely anything on my dick. Im not sure how detailed you want me to be about the audios so i'll leave at that.

I think I've been good for today? there have been moments where i really wanted to stroke my dick, but i resisted all of them and am still shaking with need so i think that counts. I haven't figured out how to do the whole if im good or bad system yet. I think that's everything i have to say that you asked for .thank you miss.

You're been very good for me💜 It's so cute how you sound almost feral with need just because you haven't been allowed to touch for a couple days. Remember when you could wait a week for me?

I'm not so cruel as to do that to you so soon after you've started. There's plenty of time to get you there. Since you've been such a good boy, I'm going to let you touch over your clothes. If you can keep yourself from coming for twenty minutes, then you'll be allowed to come. If you come before time's up, you'll have to wait much longer next time.

[deafeninggardenerpanda]

Is it ok if I ask why the Pupupu novel is so bad?? I've just heard it's bad from a lot of people but I never knew exactly why

LMAO oh my god i could write you a whole damn essay on why the pupupu train novel is a hot mess (a trainwreck, if you will). its. its a Lot. its difficult to explain if you werent there for the whole thing because the whole damn novel is an interconnected wreck. the kind of thing where you read it and you go What was that and then the more you think about it the more awful it becomes

when you hear people calling the pupupu train novel bad its most likely cause they tuned into my buddy kikozas liveread of it (i was also in this liveread). i'll summarize it briefly, keep in mind all of this info and pretty much anything you hear about that novel is from him. spoilers for the novel under the cut, obviously

the most major issue of this book is that nothing matters at all, with no exaggeration. even the most major issues you'd think would be important have no effect on the plot, are magic'd away in ways that either make no sense or completely contradict what was said before, or are solved the next sentence making you wonder why that issue was even brought up in the first place. genuinely not a single word in this novel matters in the end and it drives me buckwild insane. people in the liveread were screaming "WAIT THATS IT???" at the end

the narrator constantly misleads you in multiple ways, the new novel oc who was framed to be the bad guy doesnt do a single bad thing the entire novel. keep in mind this is a whodunnit novel where youre supposed to be figuring out the culprit

meta knight and dedede are huge assholes in this book for some reason, in ways that directly contradict all of the character development they got the previous two novels

everyone in the book except for bandee and the novel oc were assholes actually

can we talk about the book making vul have an eating disorder a plot point, to the point of him crying and freaking out about getting fired for sneaking sugar, and then meta knight and the rest of the meta-knights being huge assholes about it and supporting him continuing it-

this isnt even me getting into the whole ordeal with the novel oc's wife. like this novel is an entire fucking journey, i really cant explain how feral the thing as a whole makes me dsjkgsskjdg but i hope this offers at least a bit of insight

[patchesproblem]

Patches actually rambles. None of this makes sense I'm so sorry in advanced.

Posting this on here instead of twitter because I talk enough on twitter. My twitter followers get to see my insanity more, but honestly kinda prefer typing everything on Tumblr since I'm not limited to the word limit.

But I'm just thinking of Einslas rn and just want to scream about them so badly. I'm sorry I legitimately don't know why I've just been going feral over these two lately. They have done more for my mental health than the things that are supposed to fix the chemical imbalance.

ALSO Some of this might be ooc but idc. It's almost one in the morning let me have my moment.

Rambling under the cut

This is mostly coming about because I want to write fluff but I can't figure anything out that isn't just them being cute and gay so I'll ramble a little on here and then go write them being cute and gay. Fluff without plot surpremacy <33

Anyways. I'm just thinking about how Einstein still acts like her old self around Tesla. Like it legitimately brings me so much joy knowing that they both haven't been completely destroyed because of their circumstances. I'm just thinking about her randomly going 'today's Tesla is cuter than normal' just to confuse Tesla and catch her off guard at random intervals. She waits literal years just to say that to fuck with her. I just know it. She's committed at this point.

Also Einstein just randomly being affectionate and Tesla can't do anything because as embarrassed as she is she doesn't want to shoo her away. It's literally just "I will KILL YOU!" Einstein just casually leans on her smiling. "Really now?" and Tesla just sits there staring at her.

I think I've mentioned it somewhere before but Tesla legitimately loves affection she just doesn't know how to actually react too it. Like when she comes up to Ein first then normally she's fine, but if Einstein randomly comes up to her and starts being affectionate she just kinda short circuits. Though she also just short circuits if anyone is around to witness it because the great and powerful Nikola Tesla refuses to be seen as 'vulnerable.' She says this as if the entire organization doesn't know how gay those two are but hey whatever helps her sleep at night.

Also I was thinking about it earlier and god.. Tesla probably isn't amused with how cold it normally is in their room but deals with it because she loves Ein and knows how badly she over heats. Being slightly cold is a small price to pay for your wife to not die of a heat stroke. She probably sleeps right up against her anyways so it's not that bad. Also probably has an extra blanket over herself because she's cold but we won't talk about that.

Also just them being soft little idiots and caring for each other is sending me rn. Like Ein see's how stressed and upset Tes is and just goes out of her way to intentionally do things to make her feel better to where she's comfortable enough to talk and it's justajofaofjao

Not even taking into account Tesla trying to comfort Ein and being extra about it all. Like she'll stay up all night just to make sure that she'll be okay, and refuses to sleep until she knows she's asleep. They're losers I say. Losers.

Also they probably have pictures of them as their phone wallpapers. I don't know why I just 100% believe they do. Einstein also has a matching phone charm of Tesla to go with Teslas phone charm (she canonically has this. I'm not joking) of her. They coordinate everything just trust me.

Einstein also probably just lays with Tesla while she waits for her dumbass to wake up. Not all the time, obviously. But she'll just lay there like ".. Well this is my life now." She's stupid. Idiotic, even. Dumbass in love with another even bigger dumbass.

Also just thinking about how they probably do each others make up semi-often. It's more closer to Einstein doing Tesla's make up since she doesn't really wear it to work because she simply doesn't care as much, but Tesla has done hers in the past. She will prop her wife up on a pedastool and make sure she girlbosses her way through life.

Also just them laying down together at night just fjaojfoafjoajfoa

Tesla just laying right up against Ein and just passing out five seconds later and Ein just sitting there glad that this is her life and running her fingers through the others hair as she sleeps. Just stupid idiots. Even when she just randomly threatens her in her sleep she's just like "Aw, look at her. That's the love of my life" meanwhile Teslas mumbling something with murderous intent. Like "I will fucking kill you if i get my hands on you. You're going to experience the fartherest extent of pain known to man kind." (Talking about Otto. Nightmares am I right.)

Like I know I'm just spewing nonsense but lieknfajofjaofjaodfjapfja

Einstein just loves everything Tesla does!! Even if it means she just destroyed an important government building!! She supports lesbians rights AND MOST IMPORTANTLY WRONGS!!!

Tesla just loves literally everything Einstein does even if it drives her up a wall!! Even when she's embarrassing her she doesn't even mind just because it's her. Even when she's intentionally being affectionate in front of others just to mess with her she literally can not be mad over it. SHe knows that she's messing with her and she'd be lying if she said she hated it. Girl fell in love with her because she's an actual menace to society and to everyone around her.

Okay I'm shutting up now it's almost one in the morning.

[ruthiesrambles2]

Well come on then...

002 for MelRuth (looking forward to the essay that will come out of this)

Hello anon I love you for this and I love this for me, thanks for enabling me 😘😘

When I started shipping them: after watching season 3 I came to AO3 in search of more Brakenight and was shocked to discover MelRuth was a thing. So I rewatched from s1 again. Excuse to wear your furs caught my eye but See You Around caught my soul and it has been a slow descent into madness ever since. So... April maybe? Feels like a lifetime haha

My thoughts: No thoughts only MelRuth! Ha. I really flip flop on the nature of them. I absolutely adore the idea of Ruth pining after Melanie the whole time, maybe they've had flings but nothing serious, they're friends until Ruth learns the truth and her heart breaks. But I also concurrently headcanon that they did have a relationship, some time between the bees and the start of S1. They broke up but obviously there's still feelings there. And after seven years on the train they've learned how to work together even despite those feelings. The See You Around scene is everything tbh. Melanie realising love is important after all, but Ruth is just too hurt. So hurt in fact that she had been willing to let her die at one point! But she does try to delay it, asking for a trial, and I believe she had a hand in Melanie's escape with Javi and Jinju. By the time Melanie goes to Breslauer, Ruth is having a big internal conflict because she's still SO angry but also Melanie might go away forever. When she agrees to look after Alex, she's cursing herself for not being able to forgive sooner. Saying yes is saying I love you. And the longer she is away, the more Ruth realises she still loves and needs her, after all she always has "melanie on her mind" and she can "feel her out there". But then Melanie is gone, and probably dead, and the train and its people need her. And she needs someone to make her happy (enter Mr Pike). Melanie coming back is a massive emotional shock, and the two struggle to reconcile. But the love and care is still there ("I'm not going to let you go alone am I"). Until Melanie suggests working with Wilford. And after everything... Ruth can't deal with that. At the end of the war, she wants to stay, oh god she wants to stay. But she promised to look after Alex, once, and she intends to fulfil that promise. I love you too much to stay... Okay this descended into headcanon a bit but I am feral for them and the tiny glances between them and idc what you say Melruth is real if I believe hard enough 😂

What makes me happy about them: THE PINING, the little touches, the glances, the Wilford Pin, the fact I would let either of them freeze off all my limbs.

What makes me sad about them: Ben. They never said a proper goodbye (or welcome back from the dead). THE PINING. The fact season 4 is going to kill me.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: when Ruth is in the engine/bunk room before the Milford reveal with no explanation! Caveat that I am currently writing a few things like this because it was easier and yes I'm annoyed at myself for it!

Things I look for in fanfic: at this point just them being in the same room together. Just any and all content of them together and being vaguely nice to each other. But above all I'm here for the E rated fics 👀

My wishlist: I don't know if this is for fic or for canon. For canon I just want them to acknowledge that there was something there once even if there's not now. And a good hug would be nice🥺. For fic I NEED a 100k word romance, yesterday. But I'll also take anything elaborating on their history together, small fluffy fics, smut (always), all the angst. I need an AU where Mel went to the B&B, an AU where Ben doesn't exist... All of it please.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: after a significant amount of reflection I would have to say Mel with Ben 😭. The set up is there and she does love him and they can be sweet together. Ruth is easier though. Ruth/Boki! I've said before I just want her to learn to love herself, but if she had to end up with someone I'm committed to Ruboki now. Or The Notary as an acceptable alternative. As long as whoever it is makes her happy. Happy Ruth is EVERYTHING.

My happily ever after for them: this post sums it up. Or you know, in twenty years time they are old and grey in a cabin in the newly terraformed warm spot and Melanie is digging in the garden and Ruth comes and puts her arms around her because she's about to go to a council meeting where Alex is the president of the new world, or something.

[hella1975]

wait cause what are your fav mitski songs

omg it's crytime hours besties let's go

(ranked in order of how much they obliterate me from least to most) (and by obliterate i just mean how much they mean to me, it doesn't necessarily have to be sad) (even though this is mitski we're talking about)

me and my husband - i tend to listen to this when i'm doing my make up???? and idk why??? and it's pretty ironic bc the song is literally about being a housewife and im just there doing my silley little highlighter??? but yeah mitski isn't really 'getting ready for the day' vibes but this one's quite upbeat i really like the backing instrumentals

drunk walk home - fucking hell i've never listened to something that so accurately describes that dejection at the end of a night out. like not all nights out obviously, but lately bc i'm leaving my hometown (derogatory) in a matter of weeks and it's all suddenly so plausible that im finally getting out of here, i've found every time i go out with my friends to the bars, i'll have a big moment where i'm just so tired of this place and so angry at it and it's such a strange mix of exhaustion and rage and this song Gets That

townie - opposite of drunk walk home in that i think this captures the 'on your way into a night out/out on a night out' vibes. it's just such a good song for youth i think? like gives me green light by lorde vibes, because it's got that longing and got that need for more and excitement

why didn't you stop me - is an objectively good song but then i completely projected satosugu onto it until i can't think of anything else and now it just one punch annihilates me whenever it comes on

pink in the night - wow i can't believe mitski invented romance

two slow dancers - wow i can't believe mitski invented heartbreak

washing machine heart - i lose my absolute MIND to this song i go completely feral. i made my friend play it in the car once and everyone was like 'what the fuck this is... not the vibe' they were right of course but it still hurt

a pearl - a song that i used to love just because it's a brilliant song and then thought of azula one day when 'i fell in love with a war and no one told me it ended' hit and now i feel actual heart palpitations if i think too hard on that

nobody - the classic!!!! the gamechanger!!! the cultural reset!!! she went so fucking hard with this. from the very first line she popped off and she didn't stop from that moment on

last words of a shooting star - something about striving for perfection and even in your last moments thinking only of how you were viewed. something about 'i always wanted to die clean and pretty'. if you play this around me i WILL suckerpunch you in the throat

i bet on losing dogs - literally what fucking A-class crack did she put in this. i just want to know. i have a video in my snapchat memories of me during exam season with no make-up and a massive fuck off hoodie and the transcript of it is: 'i've made the executive decision that if anyone tries to call me baby it'll make me SAD. thank you mitski thank you for that one' and it's just super passive aggressive and i think that summarises what this song does to me

class of 2013 - so much to unpack here. every lyric is its own individual personally engraved bullet and i just get shredded to pieces every time. audible equivalent of me jumping into a blender or like, floating in a pool. no inbetween. the mummy issues. the fear of getting older. the desire to give up. 'leave what im chasing for the other girls to pursue' 'mom, am i still young?' literally why the fuck did she write this 😐😐😐

[lizziestudieshistory]

Books of 2021 - September

I successfully completed the Magical Readathon (MR) prompts! I didn't actually finish the tbr I set up I did swap out book that still met the prompts. Honestly, I'm shocked I was so restrained!

Emma by Jane Austen

Emma was, obviously, a reread for me - and a second reread in one year so I’m just not going to say anything about it. I have no new thoughts, just 🥰🥰🥰

MR - The Mist of Solitude

Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie

I have a lot of issues with Peter Pan, and I’m not sure I have the space to talk about it here. I won’t promise to elaborate on this in a full review because I have a VERY LONG backlist to write at this point... I might do one in the next 5 years!

However, I feel that Peter Pan isn’t aging well in terms of race, feminism, etc. For me it was an uncomfortable read and these issues got in the way of me enjoying the story, particularly when it came to Wendy and the Native American tribe who live in Neverland. The language Barrie uses and the ideas around gender roles doesn’t come across well in the 21st century.

I can understand why Peter Pan is so well loved and remains influential. I genuiely love the imagery involved in the story and a lot of the adaptations (Jason Isaacs as Captain Hook is just...perfection!) But the novel itself isn’t for me. I’m glad I’ve read it but I’m never coming back in this form - I’ll stick to the 2003 film, especially as a lot of my intertest in Peter Pan is centred around Captain Hook at this point, adolescent boys going feral is not something I’m particularly interested in to be honest...!

MR: Ashton Tree

The Turn of the Screw by Henry James

Tragically this was another disappointing read for me, I don’t enjoy ghost stories for the most part - however, everyone I’d spoken to about Henry James was convinced this was going to be my thing. It’s the gothic elements mixed with James’ language and open endings, that’s usually my cup of tea.

I just didn’t care about this one? I didn’t love James’ use of language (it felt over written), and the ambiguity just left me frustrated. I can see why people would enjoy it, and I understand why my mum in particular thought I’d like it, but it just wasn’t for me. I also found the main character incredibly unappealing to read about, so that definitely didn’t help!

MR: Ruin of Skye

Etiquette and Espionage, Curtsies and Conspiracies, and Waistcoats and Weponry by Gail Carriger (Finishing School #1, 2 & 3)

I’ve got reviews of this series already - somewhere in 2019 if you really want to go and find them - because these were rereads. This series makes me so happy. I’ve said several times that Miss Gail is my comfort read author. I pick up one of her books and I just enter my happy place, so there’s not a lot of critical thought going on when I talk about them.

If you want a fluffy (yet socially aware) romp about a teenaged girl attending a Victorian finishing school for assassins and spies then this is the series for you. They’re lighthearted, hilarious, and incredibly entertaining. They’re also very fast to read with some fantastic characters, seriously these books have the most accurate representations of teenaged girls I’ve read - minus the espionage of course!

MR: Orilium Academy Arc

Jamaica Inn by Daphne du Maurier

I have mixed feelings about Jamaica Inn. I enjoyed reading it but I was still somewhat disappointed. I do think it was slightly inevitable, I ADORE Rebecca and whatever I ended up reading next from du Maurier wasn't going to live up to that book.

Jamaica Inn was a fun read, it was atmospheric and slightly creepy with similar vibes to Wuthering Heights! (Might be why I enjoyed the atmosphere now I think about it...!) It would make for a fantastic cosy winter evening read - you know where you curl up with a blanket, cup of tea, and the book to ignore the world for a few hours while it's cold and miserable outside? It's that kind of read.

However, the atmosphere was by far the best bit of this novel. The characters felt like flat puppets to facilitate the predictable plot... Nothing in this book was a surprise, I'd even managed to work out who was the ultimate bad guy as soon as they were introduced 🤦‍♀️ It's just not a book that keeps you guessing or engaged that much in the characters. Which is fine, I still loved the atmosphere and writing, but it's not a new favourite. It didn't make for a fantastic book club discussion either...

MR: Obsidian Falls

The Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien (Lord of the Rings #3)

I need to talk about Lord of the Rings even less than I do about Emma... Obviously I adored it 😅 If you haven't read the trilogy yet do so!

I'll definitely be writing a reflection on annotating the entire Lord of the Rings so I'll leave all I have to say for that post.

MR: The Novice Path

Arm of the Sphinx by Josiah Bancroft (Books of Babel #2)

I did this book a disservice... I read it as I was annotating The Return of the King and I was on such a Tolkien high that I didn't Arm of the Sphinx the best chance to wow me. It did feel a bit lacklustre - but that is completely on me.

Arm of the Sphinx is a huge step up from Senlin Ascends, and I really liked Senlin Ascends! The world started to make sense, the character development was fabulous for everyone, there was more plot, and the pace gave us more time to ruminate on what was actually helping! This book was all round more coherent, the parts went together well (rather than feeling like 3 separate novellas), and I came to understand what the hell is going on. It's a fabulous second installment to the series, however, I struggled to connect to it? And it's completely because I read it next to Lord of the Rings, nothing can compete with Tolkien for me.

My one genuine criticism for Arm of the Sphinx is the writing. In opening up to other perspectives, without having dedicated chapters for each character, Bancroft has a weird habit of fluidly moving between several different individual's thought processes within a single chapter. It made it hard to follow at times, I just didn't know who was thinking or seeing what in places and I was left confused.

This little issue aside I did really like this book, it was a marked improvement on the first novel, and I'd highly recommend the series so far. I'll definitely be continuing in the near future!

MR: Tower of Rumination

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Tommy

Ali: [Let us assume he has gone back to school now and this was a weekend affair] Ali: You forgot your 🕯 Ali: expect it in the post, minus the disappointed note from Ro I've taken out Ali: ✈️ trips not guilt trips, welcome Tommy: leave it in, LOVE to hear what she's gotta say about why I'M the one being a holy show Ali: You aren't respecting the sanctity of her offering, is very much the point and gist Ali: she put more letters to it, as standard Tommy: 'course she did Ali: It does mean a lot to her Ali: but yeah, nice to have my 📅 to myself again, can't lie Tommy: meant so much she fucked off soon as the 🎂 candles were out Ali: You know she isn't the party 'til dawn sort Ali: anyway, they'd be coming in for morning service 😅 Tommy: I know it's her party & she can 😭 if she wants to Ali: If I'd known that was the theme, could've made party bags with 🧅 & 🧻 Ali: well, at least you were in your element 🕺 and you kept Meena and Carly entertained Ali: the hostess not being overly concerned herself, like Tommy: this family's hostess with the mostest has & always will be me, honey Tommy: what else do they teach me at this school, like? Ali: I had no idea you were at finishing school, my apologies Ali: how's things with keeping a man then, Holly Housewife? Tommy: Why stop at strutting with 📚 on our heads when we could do it in 🩰 perfectly en pointe, carrying a sulky ballerina all the while? Basically a Latin motto Tommy: & yet I still can't keep a man, cheers for the reminder Ali: Maybe now you're of age they introduce the final string to your bow Ali: quadruple threat = 🎤🕺🎭🍆 Tommy: 😂🤞🙏 Tommy: stole your girl regardless, tell her to call me when she's slept off the festivities Ali: No doubt she will when she's between the next couple of parties 😜 Ali: your girl is here actually, helping Ro 'organise' her presents Ali: dunno where she parked her 🎃 Tommy: I'll join Fraze in the red corner 😍💋💔🤬🎯👿🥤🤡🥵🛑💘 Tommy: those dolls do go walk abouts if you don't keep a 👀 but obviously she was 🤞🙏 I was still there Ali: He might misconstrue that and come to fight for her honour Ali: 🤞🙏 she's in LDN too, naturally Ali: lots of them are haunted, but that last part of your sentence there is the MOST 😱 ever Ali: it's weird when you approach anything fuck boy like Tommy: miscommunication is his thing™ no hard feels or feelings full stop, 'course 💪🚫😭🚫😍 Tommy: what can I say? being back DOES things to me Tommy: it's all the positive masculine role models this family has Ali: Guess it beats a total lack of @Joseph Ali: though he sent her some book about musical theory so he still manages to be the favourite somehow 🤷 Ali: and hey, dad is the best Tommy: v catty & then cuddly of you, Kit Tommy: he doesn't respond to MY efforts at being a daddy's girl exactly the same way somehow 🤷 Ali: we're both living up to what's expected then 😼 Ali: could just be I'm better at it than you though Ali: if your ego will allow it Tommy: can't let our sister fly that flag alone, like Tommy: as for who's better at kissing the arse of authority figures, don't need to dignify that with an answer 'cause my school report will Tommy: you ain't never been a pleasure to have in class Ali: I might genuinely have to shoot myself if anyone ever said anything so asinine about me so you're right Ali: that would be such a waste of potential, not until I've lead a more scandal-filled existence Tommy: you could respect the hustle Tommy: it's getting me 🩰 perks Tommy: disciplined is the head that wears the 👑 hoe Ali: I know all about discipline, trust me Tommy: we've all read 50 shades, you can't take it as gospel Tommy: Ro could write a better bdsm bibe when she's done at church Tommy: bible* Ali: It's all fun and games 'til I walk in on her flagellating herself Ali: how are we explaining that to the shrinks Tommy: that she misunderstood a more sexy f word? Ali: we don't want to look like we're trying to lock her up for that Ali: way too retro, bro Tommy: She wants to be catholic Tommy: I didn't make the rules Ali: No, then da really would hate you Ali: she's got worse Tommy: Yeah Tommy: I know, no amount of drama from the golden couple could detract Ali: not that I haven't heard enough about that though Ali: guess there's too much to put in a passive-aggressive note Tommy: 🙄🥱😴 Tommy: She wasn't even THAT late & tbh I wouldn't have blamed her for doing a Joe no show Ali: I would've understood if she was upset when she wasn't coming Ali: I am when Joe doesn't, whatever Ali: but I think she was actually MORE upset that she did come in the end, and not just because she was messy, but because Ro thought she wouldn't Ali: I don't get it, they're complicated, always have been but ??? Tommy: she can't hold being a good sister over her, like you can't me being the most fabulous brother in existence 🏆 Tommy: the fuck ups are more fun to bring to a 🥊 Ali: I guess that's more likely than them being all 💕💞 Ali: but fucking hell, does it hurt to hope Tommy: it's hurting you 😿 Tommy: she'll be too hangry to hope Ali: I have no hope or agenda for your 🏆 or 👑 dear brother Ali: but seriously Ali: what does she want Tommy: like you said ???? Tommy: there's every chance I'm bringing too much McKenna magic to the motives & she don't wanna bear a grudge til the end of her days Ali: because it doesn't sound like her at all Ali: if you can't be honest in the DMs where can you, eh, to quote that romcom Ali: fucked if I know what to do about it right now though Ali: maybe I need to sleep off the festivities, or get something to eat Tommy: long as you're not so hysterical you run into the path of an oncoming car, to recall another faithful role of hers Ali: have you adapted that for the stage? Ali: get 5 of you to be the 🚗 Tommy: dibs 'cause I can't do the accent Tommy: not that loads of 'em posh kids can either Ali: they'll have spent enough time gentrifying the east end to have it down, offensively so but all adds to the hysterics Tommy: I'll pitch it then 💡 Tommy: go down better than her 🎤🎵 Ali: better than her when she got hit by the car, like Ali: give me credit or I'll turn up and make a SCENE Tommy: like I wouldn't be LIVING for that Tommy: if we are being honest in the DMS Ali: I'll work on my RICKKAAAAAAAAAAAY Ali: maybe can convince Ro to be Sharon Tommy: hang around your ma in law & you'll ace it in no time Ali: Ha Ali: she'd accept Peggy, not Pat Tommy: fair, Laoise's ma's the one more likely to express herself with big earrings & animal prints Tommy: but I don't know if Sam Mitchell is a favourable role for Carls, what did she ever even do? Ali: Are you trying to tell me it's NOT a look? 🤔 Ali: or that you rate Laoise's mum? Ali: The character, nothing, the OG actress lost her nose so we're all agreed that's a no Tommy: I'd rate seeing her da on the doorstep in nothing but a bow tie for how mortified she'd be when I uploaded it Tommy: Grant's also no, he knocked Martine on her arse way before that car Tommy: but if she's Phil, you're Sharon so that's a yeah from me, like Ali: Don't, her dad always gave me those vibes Ali: and you ain't actually on the street still to have to witness that 🤮 Ali: I don't know how she'll feel about going bald, I'll float it gently before getting out the clippers Tommy: Do Rock's while you're there, he looks feral Tommy: even that nonce wouldn't have him Ali: You know his ears would get chapped Ali: hair is essential or he'll fly away on the breeze Ali: and we'd all be devastated, obvs Tommy: don't start me thinking about that scene in Dumbo, cheers very much Tommy: 😭😭😭😭😭😭 Ali: Such a depressing film Ali: disney gives me bad vibes Tommy: the park is creepy & you won't catch me there Tommy: whether or not Walt was a Nazi it's still a nah from me Ali: Wee bit concerning that emotional manipulation and forced fun trumps facism/literal Nazis for you but we'll 🤐 Ali: ma is in enough of a mood and she'll only direct it at me so nah Tommy: well his racism is disputed depending whether you're in camp 😇 saint him 🙏 or camp cast him into the hellfire 👿 Tommy: the forced fun & emotional manipulation is just facts Ali: 👿 advocate Tommy: I'm gonna go to hell 🤞 he's an ally Ali: 😬 Ali: it's a punishment, not a holiday Tommy: it'll be a grand hol for my pores Tommy: love a sauna sesh Ali: that London smog is not it Ali: how black is your snot? Tommy: as Ro's soul 💀 Ali: Thomas Tommy: Alison Ali: 🛑 it Tommy: she'd 🖤 to hear it but FINE Ali: you're an enabler, it is known Ali: not the kind of encouragement I'm after tah Tommy: enabling you & your lady love to have a good time, yeah 🕺💃 Tommy: & I fully expected her to turn up with a pet raven is all I'm saying Ali: the best was made of it by all, despite it all Ali: even her, in her way Tommy: despite Kayne appearing 🤵🥀 & all in her case Ali: yeah Ali: ugh Ali: he's harmless enough, bless him Tommy: she'd beg to differ right now Tommy: you're gonna wanna hide the 🍄🍄💀 til she calms down Ali: You don't need to tell me Ali: I think he's just really oblivious Ali: like all lads Ali: it wasn't you know...assaulty Tommy: It's not his fault she's team true love's kiss & he AIN'T it Tommy: who could EVER measure up to the 💭💞 Ali: standards, cool Ali: unrealistic expectations, less so Ali: but I can't really advocate for reality at this point in the game Tommy: You don't need to tell me, sis Ali: you're team turn-a-stage-kiss-real, yeah Ali: it's more realistic than fairytales, anyway, look at strictly Tommy: I'm team when's my life been a shitty made for netflix flick never mind a 🐸🤴📖 Tommy: crushing realism ftw Ali: 💔 Ali: If you didn't have a tragic love-life to complain about, you'd be too insufferable 🤴💩 Tommy: comforting Tommy: I'd HATE to morph into Fraze of a few years back Ali: I'll let you know if you start getting freckles Tommy: I'd know if I woke up with those brows Tommy: nowhere to hide, like Ali: 👺 Tommy: 😂 Ali: What are you getting ma for her bday/have you got already (suckup) Tommy: I left it there if you wanna find & shake the 🎁 Ali: Wow, you really didn't wanna pay postage that bad huh Ali: I'll see if I can 🔮 Tommy: with what? I'm skint after buying hers & Ro's Tommy: & it'll be 🎅🎄🎁 before too long Ali: that's what people really mean when they say dance don't pay Ali: gifting an interpretive dance is nothing but pretentious and unwelcome Ali: I can bodge together however many crafts I need and save my dolla Tommy: been there, tried that one Tommy: so much for your so called genius Tommy: ain't even thought of earning any by busting out the 🎅🎄🎵 classics for a busking sesh, works with 🩰 too I'll have you know Ali: 'til you knock over an old lady and have to leg it, like Ali: and if you hadn't noticed, I've been a little busy making a replica Ro, tah Ali: my creative juices are juiced right now Tommy: I'll make it look like part of the show & have the punters eating out of my palm when I catch & twirl any 👵 before they touch ground Tommy: yeah well you've got time from now, fair game on all things yule from Nov 1st Ali: 👌👌 clearly the LDN ones are more receptive because they're vicious 'round here with their 👜s and I'm only trying to give them the tea they ordered Ali: if ANYONE should advocate for Christmas not dragging, like Tommy: it's Irish dancing or fuck all back there, 365 🌧 or ⛅ Tommy: little girls scam every bit of that trade Ali: ironic when it's catch these hands in every other aspect Ali: so you'll fit right in, eh Ali: feel traumatised yet? Tommy: I'll do my best, as ever Ali: 🤴 Ali: meanwhile ma will have to make do with whatever IOU present I can knock up Ali: maybe I'll babysit, that's never not gonna work Tommy: she was on about going out 🍽 wasn't she? Tommy: Carls will never not be down either Ali: get him to make her a cake Ali: sorted Ali: providing he washes his hands...a full hose down may be necessary actually Tommy: she's survived the 🧁 he brings back from school & we've all seen the state of him at day's end Ali: yeah, cheers for the immunity boost little 🦠 Ali: fair, I'm pretty sure we put some weird and wonderful things into our bakes at his age and no one died Ali: Laoise nearly but you know Tommy: close but no 🚬 Tommy: typical of that bitch Ali: sure a 🙏 was said to finish the job at mass Tommy: if you see her ma mascara running in an lbd, I demand to be the first to know Ali: I'll pap her in her time of distress, it's fine Ali: I can hide up trees for HOURS if needs must Tommy: I'm not above piggybacking on the 'tragedy' to get better grades or a hol Tommy: do your part, like Ali: she won't fall for 🍄 again Ali: her brother might if Ro puts 'em in her gob Tommy: 💞 Ali: more of a mood than without Ali: add a little danger Tommy: she'd appreciate the drama more than anything he could ever do Ali: 💔 Tommy: nah, we're not shipping that Tommy: not today Ali: You gotta make some bad decisions before you make the right ones Tommy: a bad decision was the colour of her 👗 Tommy: the last thing that girl needs is a boy right now Ali: Okay you can't come for anyone vis a vis colour, boy Ali: even if I still see it when I close my eyes after however many weeks sewing Ali: but you may have a point re. a boy Ali: just, some socialisation wouldn't hurt Ali: and as far as they go, he's harmless Tommy: 'Course I do, she can barely exist in front of us Tommy: if they went on a date, what's she gonna do, order a glass of water? Ali: like you haven't seen her fake eat a plate of food Ali: it's only noticeable to all us that she's not actually putting any in her mouth Tommy: 🔮✨ Tommy: if he's TRULY harmless he don't deserve to be harmed by her attitude Tommy: which anyone else not bound by family love & loyalty would call something loads harsher Ali: Don't Ali: I feel bad enough for Meena sometimes Tommy: @ Carly too & we all know it Ali: Yeah, Carly can handle it though, she's mostly unphased even if it is a total thing 🙄 Tommy: She's a 👸😇 I doubt Kayne is that pure of ❤️ or intentions tbh Tommy: & Meena can handle anything so Ali: he's deffo a virgin though Ali: which yes, makes for more desperation, but he can't be that forceful if he dunno what he wants, you know Ali: yeah but God knows why she wants to come 'round here and get more of it at times Tommy: No shit, Kit but everyone's seen a porno, it's not the 70s Tommy: dress for it all you like Tommy: maybe she wants to get out of her own 🏡 Ali: everyone also knows it's bullshit Ali: whatever else she's got that much about her Tommy: does he though? Tommy: all I'm saying Ali: either way, it isn't like she's going to have a miraculous change of heart Ali: we all saw how well it went Tommy: Yeah but what if it makes her heart set on finding someone else to play 🤴 Tommy: you'd know better than me what goes on in her head Ali: She's 15, I don't see how any of us can say or do anything to stop her if that's what she does want Tommy: 15 technically Tommy: 🤷 Ali: If we can't make her eat, you know Ali: what hope do we have for anything beyond that Tommy: 0 Tommy: & it's fucked Ali: Yep Ali: but it's not as if that bombshell has only just been dropped, I guess Ali: we'll carry on doing what we can Tommy: 🔮✨ Ali: ✌💚

[agent-cupcake]

Hi! :) So I came here from ao3 - I was a huge fan of that Yuri/Claude/reader fic. When I saw you had written a fic about Geto, I screamed. I think what I like most about your writing is how you characterize everyone. Every line that Yuri, Claude, and then Geto spoke... I was like, damn, they absolutely would say that. Anyways, I'm an aspiring writer on ao3 and I was hoping maybe you could share some tips on how you write fics? Like what your process is, the research you do, etc. Thanks so much;;

AAAA THANK YOU <3 Since I love writing I'm more than happy to talk about it, but please don't take anything I say too seriously! What works for me could be pretty detrimental to anyone else, you know? Furthermore, as much as I would love to tell everyone that I am the very best, my head is not yet so empty for such extreme hubris. Also most of this stuff is just stolen from other writing advice.

When I want to write something, I usually begin by writing down the climax of the story as well as some little details I want to include. For example, the Yuri/Claude/Reader fic (Dolos) was a requested sequel. I knew the climax would be smut, I knew I wanted Yuri to eat her out, and I knew I wanted more of a mask off Claude. So I wrote this all down in stupid simplified terms and let it sit at the bottom of my doc. I find that having an outline of where I'm going, even one that's simple and stupid, keeps me from being scared of the blank page. It's easy to get lost when you have a strong starting idea but then kind of burn out which is why I really recommend knowing exactly what it is you're building up to the entire time you're writing. Your predetermined climax can change, of course, and genuine inspiration often makes the story evolve which is good and organic. Everything I've written recently has been drafted and redrafted and undergone pretty significant changes until I was satisfied, so try not to be discouraged if you find that happening. That said, keep a backup of anything you delete. You might wind up reusing it later. I have notes files on my laptop with such titles as "JUNHITO BRAIN ROT" "feral jimmy" and "third leg" that are just a mess of dialogue and stuff I cut from my most recent stories. I'm not sure if I'll use any of it ever, but it seems a shame to just dump it.

After I have the scenario vaguely planned out, I figure out what emotional and character beats I need to hit before I can get the characters to the climax and write that out in a similarly simplified, silly fashion. Obviously, this can actually be the first step because I have a scene idea that leads into a climax, but the planning process is still focused more or less on the end game. For Dolos, I knew I needed to build on Yuri and Reader's relationship and establish the uncomfortable dynamics and feelings of hers and Claude's relationship so I wrote those things down as line break headers and then expanded on those simple ideas until I had scenes. In the case of my Suguru fic, I didn't have individual "scenes" but I still broke it up with notes of what needed to happen during the course of their interaction. The tone shifts were all written in their own little segments and I actually wrote most of the back half in its own document. Breaking the fic up into manageable pieces, not caring at all about writing it sequentially, and allowing myself to skip around to work on individual sections is helpful for keeping my motivation up. If I find that I'm really stuck on something (it's always the kissing. like seriously, every time. that kissing scene with Suguru? nightmare!), I just write myself a note about what needs to happen in brackets and move on. It's like a stutter, the harder you try to force it, the worse it gets. Another trick for scene writing is writing dialogue first. I'll use some speech tags to keep it coherent, maybe a gesture, but overall it ends up reading more like a script that I can fill in with details at a later time. For characters who are exceptionally snarky like Yuri, Claude, and Suguru, I often think of a line I think is funny or clever and write that down without worrying about context.

That kinda lends itself to character writing, which is the thing I care the most about. Its also absurdly difficult and doesn’t come naturally at all. When I’m writing for a character, I surround myself with them in whatever ways I can. Like, watch/read and rewatch/reread all of their scenes a dozen times, take notes on certain verbal ticks, words they use, the sound of their voice, their attitudes towards certain things and people, filling out those character questionnaires. I try to replicate their behavior so when I put them into the scenarios I write, I feel more like I’m directing them than writing them because, ultimately, these canon characters do not belong to me. I guess I’m outing myself as the creepy obsessive gremlin I am, but this is a big reason why I write for so few characters and why everything takes so damn long... so you probably don’t wanna do it my way. I love to be praised for my characterization, believe me, but I think lots of people do a really good job without this amount of obsession. My advice is to consider the character on two levels. You have their dialogue and explicit actions, but you also have their hidden motivations and their place in your story. Think about who the character is, what motivates them, and how they behave. Step back from the plot you’ve written them into and consider the character independently, focus on their canonical actions and try to draw parallels to what’s happening in your fic to see if it makes sense for them to be there. HOWEVER, I don’t think there’s necessarily a wrong answer here, everybody interprets characters in different ways and brings their own perspectives to the realm of fanfiction. I guarantee that there are people who will enjoy and vibe with your interpretation of characters no matter what. Write them as you view them.   

Other types of research can be good BUT don’t let it bog you down. I often look up sensory descriptors, particularly scents. Don’t tell anyone but I like to crack open the ole thesaurus because literally nobody can stop me from my bloated, overly elaborate, and quite frankly alarmingly purple prose. Probably don’t do that though. Mostly it’s probably best to write from your own experiences, imagined or otherwise. If you can imagine yourself in a scenario, you can put your readers into that mindset, too. 

Anyway that’s pretty much all the wisdom I have for you sweet anon. The biggest thing about fanfiction is that it’s incredibly thankless most of the time and if you gauge your worth by comments/interactions you’re already doomed. Write for yourself and because you want to refine this skill, write because you feel passionately about what you’re creating. Good luck!