#Oh and they are married

[ineffablydelighted]

[Re-Angelized Crowley ruling Heaven alongside Supreme Archangel Aziraphale #1 & #2]

You may have encountered this fanfic of mine on Facebook. Time to bring it here! This explores what it would have been if Crowley had accepted to follow Aziraphale in Heaven... Probably Metatron's very own version of Hell... right? 😈

[This is meant to be light and funny - well, at least am I attempting to be. I reserve my deep thoughts for my analysis and I'm just as against our favorite Angel's decision as the next person 😅]

That time the Supreme Archangel Aziraphale had a "big announcement" to make, Day 1

Aziraphale: On this day particularly important for me - I mean, for us all, I have the pleasure to introduce *weird Magishun tone* *already amused by his own pun* or, to re-introduce: Archangel Anthony Crowley!

Crowley: *arrives in all-black attire, already owns the place* Helloooo, suckerssss! Ooookayy, Time to change a thing or two: Beige is out, Black is in! *snaps his fingers because Crowley*

Aziraphale: aka... my husband.

Crowley: *stops in the middle of a twist* Wait, what? Since when?

Aziraphale: *with a both cute and firm smile* Since now. I've decided.

Crowley: *blushes behind his glasses* *shrugs his shoulders**tries to sound cool and detached* M'okay. Works for me.

The crowd: *Too stunned to react*

Aziraphale: A round of applause, please, that would be lovely.

The crowd: *weird applause*

Aziraphale: *innocent yet somewhat demonic smile* Thank you 🤭

When the Supreme Archangel Aziraphale asked the Meeting Room to be repainted in wood shades "because it will feel cozier"

Michael: *about to have a heart attack* *cannot deal with the Jealousy* You cannot be serious?

Uriel: Come on, Michael, it must be a joke... Right?

Metatron: *is waiting for Aziraphale to answer "Yes, of course"*

Crowley: *arrives in style* Have you told them about the yellow lights yet or have I arrived too soon?

Two Angels walk into the New Office That Somehow Looks Like an Old Bookshop to report the news on Armageddon 2.0 - which should have happened two centuries ago - and on how Attempt #451 mysteriously failed.

Crowley: *leans in Aziraphale's seat that looks like an old sofa* And why do they keep talking, exactly?

Aziraphale *holds himself back from rolling his eyes for two centuries* *sympathetic smile* I'm sure you've done your very best to make it work. Thank you.

In the middle of a very important War meeting

Crowley: *sighs* I need a drink, Angel *realizes* *does not care* Yeah, nope, cannot stop calling you that. *To Michael, Uriel, Saraqael, and Metatron* Deal with it, losers. *miracles a glass of Talisker and drinks it as if it were 6 expresso shots in one big mug*

Metatron: *Contemplates the end of his own existence as a valid option for the first time in his Eternity* *So done with their bullshirt since day 1*

Three Angels report on how Attempt #523 mysteriously failed.

Crowley: *straight-up laughing* You heard that, Angel? They didn't do what you asked them to do! *theatrical hand movements* How unusual! How revolutionary! *whispers* Can I hang them by their tiny little fee-T?

Aziraphale: *scandalized look* *high-pitched voice* Of course not!

Crowley: *sighs in childish* Ughhh, I need a drink.

When Archangel Michael makes an appearance

Crowley: Isn't it time we introduce quiet firing, Angel? Also, Micky, I need a towel! *winks at his husband*

That first time Supreme Archangel Aziraphale and Archangel Crowley were about to re-enter the Elevator together.

Aziraphale & Crowley: *dressed formally* *Aziraphale loves top hats and convinced Crowley they should both wear one with reversed colors* *arm in arm*

Metatron: *clears his throat* *severe tone because that is the only tone he knows* Where do you think you two are going?

Aziraphale and Crowley: *startle like children caught stealing After Eights way before eight*

Aziraphale: We... hum... We... *looks at Crowley* Weeee thought it would be... hum... good to... hum... go back to Earth to... observe humans and to... hum... to... do... groceries? *innocent smile*

Metatron: *cannot believe his ears* Groceries?

Crowley: You haven't got the faintest idea how many wars and plagues have started in a grocery store, do ya'? *is handsy around Aziraphale's hip for no reason*

Aziraphale: *giggles*

Crowley: Come on, Angel, time to start World War III by pissing off some Karens at the cashier. T'will take what, Supreme Archangel, to kickstart Second Coming, hum? Two days? *puts his arm around Aziraphale's shoulders* *strong grip*

Aziraphale: *looks at Crowley* Oh, hum, maybe a week. *looks at Metatron* Let's not be pretentious.

Crowley: *glasses slightly down revealing his eyes only to his hubby* You mean like Michael?

Aziraphale: *giggles again before tapping Crowley's hand away from his shoulder in order to concentrate* *pretends to be shocked* Don't say that!

Metatron: *trembling voice* But... You cannot go back to Earth!

Crowley: *has NOT removed his hand from Aziraphale's shoulders* Watch us. *walks like Rihanna because Crowley, straight to the elevator*

Later, after the elevator's doors are closed.

Aziraphale and Crowley: *sigh in unison*

Aziraphale: I thought he would erase our names in the Book of Life for a second.

Crowley: Yeahhh, well... The night is still young, Angel. But, for now, time to recharge at the Ritz.

Aziraphale: Remember your promise, right?

Crowley: *pretends to not remember* Hum? Wot?

Aziraphale: You promised you wouldn't drink too much alcohol so that we can go to the Opera after. I need us to see Madam Butterfly sober!

Crowley: And I still strongly disagree with that statement. If I find Laudanum, I'll take a hundred bottles: one for tonight, the other 99 to bear the sight of Killjoy in Chief* for yet another day.

[Oh, I think we all know who Killjoy in Chief is. Obviosleh.]

Crowley: If we ever go back Up.

Aziraphale: *scandalized in type A personality* Of course, we will come back! We have responsibilities!

Crowley: Says the Supreme Archangel *of course he always mentions his hubby's new title ironically* who ASKED for a week on Earth.

Aziraphale: Yes, well... There is no such thing as the concept of vacation in Heaven at the moment, but I will certainly introduce it in a century or two. This is important!

Crowley: Sure.

Aziraphale: *talks in Life Mission* It helps stay productive. And happy!

Crowley: Riiight.

Aziraphale: You know it's true! Stop mocking me!

Crowley: I'm not, I... *freezes*

Aziraphale: What is it? Are you okay? *handsy around Crowley's shoulder*

Crowley: My Bentley is going to be so pissed at me. My baby must be so depressed... *puppy-snake-like eyes*

Aziraphale: I know where this is going... And the answer is no, Crowley. *tries to muster some authority in his tone* *fails*

Crowley: Rahhhh! Come on, Angel! You plan on taking your diaries, your favorite books, and snacks! All I want is a dozen Talisker barrels, my plants, and my car back!

Aziraphale: These things will take too much space, Crowley! What will Metatron say?

Crowley: Tss. Says the Supreme Archangel who dreams of reproducing to perfection his very Earthy Bookshop in Heaven. And has started to do exactly that! You're no fun and you're a hypocrite! An Angel, for short. And a basic* one at that.

[Insert The Good Place Michael who says "It's a human insult. You're devastated right now" gif here - Hey, we're on Tumblr, actually, I can!]

Aziraphale: *crosses his arms like a 5 yo while being 6000+* You too are an Angel, Crowley. You tend to forget about that.

Crowley: I'm not an Angel-Angel, Angel. Do you know why? Because I don't have a whole range of brooms stuck inside my bottom.

Aziraphale: *hurt* *also annoyed* *but mostly hurt* And here I was, thinking we would just spend an amazing week together. *trembling voice* You're the no-fun one, Crowley. *almost about to cry* *avoids eye contact*

Crowley: *notices* *pretends not to care* *holds himself back from thinking how cute Aziraphale's pouty face is* *fails miserably* *growls in defeat* How unfair is that?!

Aziraphale: *pretends not to hear for a second* *turns back to him* *keeps his pouty face steady* What? What is unfair?

Crowley: Nevermind, Angel. *sigh* Alright... I will limit my alcohol consumption to four, maybe five glasses.

Aziraphale: *cutest smile emerges* Thank you 🥰 *happy as in a Mariah Carey Christmas clip* *giggles*

Crowley: *blushes behind his glasses* *takes Aziraphales' arm back*

*Pretty long silence*

Crowley: Seriously, though, Sexy is gonna be so pissed at me.

Aziraphale: *high-pitched voice* OH MY LORD, for Heaven's sake, Crowley, the answer is no! Not another word!

Crowley: She might not want to take us to places, you don't understand how serious that is, Angel! What if she never forgives me? What if... *parent's biggest fear* What if she has been car-napped? Or worse? Ran away on her own? She could be anywhere by now!

Aziraphale: *tries to be reassuring* Well, if she isn't here when we arrive, we can miracle her back, it will be fine, Cro-

Crowley: And hurt her even more, treating her like... like... well, a car? I cannot talk to you when you are delusional like that! You're really pissing me off, *makes childish faces* SuPrEmE ArChAnGeL. *crosses his arms* *looks away*

*New silence*

Aziraphale: What if I allow you to drink as much as you like?

Crowley: *mumbles* Not enough.

Aziraphale: Come on, I need you to meet me halfway!

Crowley: *gritted teeth* Not. Enough.

Aziraphale: *sighs in angry mom* What do you want?!

Crowley: I told you what I wanted. You just don't listen.

Aziraphale: We cannot bring the Bentley to Heaven, Crowley! This is not happening!

Crowley: Then I'm not coming back either. Simple. *shrugs in blackmail*

Aziraphale: *shocked*

Crowley: For the record: when humans get married, Angel, they usually do not reject their spouses' child. You... You're behaving like a nasty mother-in-law right now and I'm not having it.

Aziraphale: Did you just Lady Tremaine-labelled me? For real?!

Crowley: Yep. You're that mean. I cannot believe how quickly your new job had gone to that top hat-ed head of yours.

Aziraphale: ...

Crowley: How career changes people, isn't it just baffling.

Aziraphale & Crowley: *cross their arms and look away at the same time*

*ANOTHER silence*

Aziraphale: *defeated sigh* *literally cannot be mad at his hubby for more than 3 minutes* One Talisker barrel, only the plants that stayed in the Bentley and... the Bentley. IF, and ONLY IF she consents to be... huh... reduced in size a little.

Crowley: *yells in bad faith* Here, have some fatphobia, now! I've seen it all! *points a reproachful finger at his spouse* You're a disappointment, Angel.

Aziraphale: *starting to lose patience* Crowley...

Crowley: Two barrels.

Aziraphale: Do not push your luck, I swear...

Crowley: Have you not noticed I'm winning the argument by now, SuPrEmE aRcHaNgEl?

Aziraphale: This is. Not. About. Winning, Crowley! And it is so unfair you keep our Soirée hostage until you get what you want!

Crowley: I'm a demon, Angel. Demons tend to do that.

Aziraphale: Technically, you aren't anymore!

Crowley: We both know you never technically sent the form to make my re-Angelisation official, so I am technically AND in truth: *marks a pause* Still. A demon.

Aziraphale: Exactly! A nasty mother-in-law would never do such a thing!

Crowley: So?

Aziraphale: A raging bureaucrat either!

Crowley: So?

Aziraphale: And certainly NOT a basic Angel!

Crowley: *annoyed* SO?

Aziraphale: I need you to take that back! That was unfair and BEYOND mean, Crowley! *shaking lips*

Crowley: *growls* *rolls his eyes* FINE. *removes his glasses* Sorry, Angel. It was the worried parent speaking.

Aziraphale: *little smirk Crowley has never seen before* *so ready for his petty revenge* Not. Enough.

Crowley: *finds it super hot* *likes being imitated* *cannot concentrate anymore* You... hum... Okay, what do you want? *is wondering how he went from winning the argument to being a fair loser in a matter of a single no-so-angelic smirk*

Aziraphale: *ready to push his luck* How about... a little dance?

Crowley: Out of the question.

Aziraphale: Crowley...

Crowley: NO.

Aziraphale: Crowley...

Crowley: *feels his determination melt like ice at the heart of Hell* *gritted teeth* Fi-

Elevator: Earth. *neutral ding* *doors opens*

Aziraphale: *takes Crowley's hand in his* *looks at him with soft eyes*

Crowley: *cannot believe a SuPrEMe ArChAnGeL could ever make him swoon**longest sigh* Ughhhh. Let's get this over with.

Aziraphale: *recoils to enjoy the view better*

Crowley:

You were right,

You were right,

I was wrong,

You were righ-T. *sighs* Satisfactory enough, SuPrEmE aRcHaNgEl?

Aziraphale: Thank you, Cinderella. *leaves first in victory*

Crowley: *wants to murder and kiss him at the same time*

[krysmcscience]

I have some questions about karaoke night, Alex Hirsch. Very Important Questions. Which I will happily scream at a poor hapless baby triangle who can have no answers for me, and possibly also does not have object permanence yet.

Follow-up that is I guess suggestive, but let's be real here, Bill's a fucking triangle:

Dude slipped right into his birthday suit, lmao

this is so stupid :D

Anyway, I don't care what anyone says, this brilliant individual knows what's up - Bill is absolutely way more of a monsterfucker than Ford could or ever will be, full stop.

[bananakeiky]

Emotional boyfriend fiancé

[skellagirl]

so I played through Origins again and there's this middle-aged man 🫣

Amrynn the Hero of Ferelden will smooch him, so help me God

why did they do him so fucking dirty in Trespasser anyway lol 😭 I'm half convinced he was originally meant to be an entirely different character and then last minute they were like, 'hey let's make him Teagan instead' but didn't change anything about his design. But it IS really funny when your Inquisitor rides up to the exalted council and looks up at him and he's just mean mugging the FUCK out of you

[dozydawn]

Grandmaster Marta Przeździecka Bartel.

[hualianschild]

love how he finally resigned to the fact that his crush is weird THAT'S A GREEN FLAG RIGHT THERE

[rainbow-sunshine-unicorn]

I’m obsessed with Kate and Anthony just having their arms interlinked while playing charades

Because there is literally no need for it, they’re already sitting right beside each other, shoulder to shoulder, and they’re playing charades, which is not something that requires them to move in coordination??? And, you can see the empty space on the couch beside Kate, so there’s plenty of space

But does any of that really matter to Viscount and Viscountess Velcro? Not even a little bit!

They will be interlinking their arms through a game of charades, because simply sitting next to each other is not enough, they must have, at least, four points of contact between themselves at all times

[voidzphere]

what i mean when i say i like afterdeath btw

geno belongz to loverofpiggies reaper belongz to renrink

[shrooziedoozie]

wedding omens or smth

ft. book omens

[ineffablydelighted]

[Re-Angelized Crowley ruling Heaven alongside Supreme Archangel Aziraphale #3.1]

Hi, Angels! 👋

If you haven't read Part 1&2, here you go:

Now, time for Part 3.1 [this part was long so I divided it into two subparts]

That time Supreme Archangel Aziraphale suggested - or, more so, presented - a suggestion box.

Uriel: *blinks uncontrollably*

Saraqael: *annoyed but kinda ready to know more*

Michael: *most unsubtle eyeroll ever*

Metatron: *has heard that shit before* *so pissed rn* Aziraphale...

Crowley: *scandalized in you-owe-me-royalties* Hey! That was my idea, Angel!

Aziraphale: I know, Crowley! Look! *flips the loosely painted in gold cardboard box*

[Written on the box, in black: ARCHANGEL CROWLEY'S VERY OWN SUGGESTION BOX] [Plus a couple of hearts drawn around Crowley's name]

Crowley: Oh. *clears his throat* Nevermind.

Aziraphale: *smiles in I-knew-you-would-react-like-that*

Metatron: *looks at them Severus-ly* We are not suggesting things, Aziraphale, we just do them.

Aziraphale: Well, not exactly, we, hum... We already have meetings where we discuss things together, each giving their own id-

Metatron: *deadeye* Are you, really, defining the term "suggesting" to me?

Aziraphale: *already feels like he's no longer existing anymore*

Crowley: *barely mumbles* Looks like you needed it.

Metatron: *murderous look*

Aziraphale: There is... There is no need to fight, we...

Crowley: Angel, the simple fact we are discussing this is implying we need to use suggestions!

Uriel: *sigh* My head hurts already.

Metatron: *refuses to budge* Suggestion is very close to Temptation.

Crowley: COME ON, it depends on the context! Look, if I approach Aziraphale like that *walks like Rihanna towards his hubby* *approaches very very closely, taking his Angel's arm to not leave him a chance to recoil* Right? Like that, and say something like... *leans in* *suggestive voice* "Should we have dinner, Angel?"

Aziraphale: *is about to melt right to Hell's gates* I... huh...

Crowley: *his hand goes up near his shoulder in a flirtatious caress*

Saraqael: I'm ready to suggest we shouldn't witness that.

Crowley: *turns to Saraqael* SHHHH. *gritted teeth* I. am. teaching. *Turns back to Aziraphale*

Aziraphale: *Supreme_Archangel_Who_Has_Standards_Aziraphale.exe has stopped working*

Crowley: *tries to bring him back to Ear-Heaven* *soothing voice* Angel? Should we have dinner?

Aziraphale: Huh... I mean... huh... Yes?

Crowley: *mumbles* No, no, Angel. That was a suggestion! We are supposed to discuss it!

Aziraphale: *enamored Supreme Archangel* *out loud* But you made such a good case, Crowley, there is no need to discuss it! Of course, I will have dinner with you! 🥰  *Cutest Smile Ever*

Michael: *rolls their eyes in Someone-has-been-casting-couching*

Crowley: *wants to smile back* *also wants to tell his Angel how stupid he is sometimes*

Metatron: *annoyed beyond words* *also loves being right* Told you this was too close to Tempting.

Crowley: Okay, bad example, but still. Suggestions are important!

Metatron: Not at all. I or Aziraphale tells you what to do and you do it. Simple.

Crowley: Oh? Fine by me! *turns to Aziraphale* Supreme Archangel Aziraphale, what do you want us to do?

Aziraphale: *looks at Metatron for a second* *looks at Crowley for five* *has found the courage God-knows-where* *talks in boss bitch* I want you all to put any suggestion you may have in this suggestion box Muriel had the kindness to make for us. Thank you.

Metatron: *super pissed entity* *turns to Crowley* THIS IS NOT. HAPPENING! NOT ON MY WATCH!

Aziraphale: *freezes*

Crowley: You said, "I OR Aziraphale tells you what to do and you do it." Not "AND". Which means we only need one of you to approve of something. Right? Unless... unless you two need to discuss it, to make... suggestions to each other? *smiles like the aggravating brat he is*

Metatron: *ruminates his bad life choices* Why are you always so difficult? Aziraphale, I want you to throw that nonsense in the trash. Now.

Aziraphale: *does not know what to do* *looks at both of them* *stressed out in bureaucracy*

Saraqael: What if... we keep it for a decade and see what happens?

Michael: *shook* *feels betrayed*

Uriel: *she-just-said-what face*

Crowley & Aziraphale: *cannot believe their ears*

Metatron: *just wants to erase the names of everybody in this room*

Saraqael: *smirks* I bet nobody will ever write a thing anyway.

Michael: *snorts*

Uriel: Whatever.

Crowley: That's the spirit! Right, Aziraphale?

Aziraphale: Huh... Y-yes! That's a good start!

Crowley: Unless the old man has anything else to say?

Metatron: *will kill him even if it is the last thing he does* Careful, Crowley... the floor is slippery and you look like you could fall again...

Crowley: *removes his leathery boots* That... *reveals a pair of socks full of cute halos and books* is a risk... I'm always willing to take, wooohooooo! *proceeds to ice-skate like a pro because he is a showoff*

Aziraphale: *follows Crowley's every move scared he might break an ankle* SOOO... How about we all go to Earth to have dinner?

Michael: *has a heart attack* Say what now?!

Uriel: Ingest human matter? No way.

Saraqael: *eye-rolls in I'm-trying-really-hard-to-save-our-asses-and-you-are-not helping* This does not sound like the right moment to do another stupid thing, Aziraphale.

Aziraphale: Well, as Crowley said, I can tell you what you do and you are supposed to simply do it, so... *snaps his fingers to open the elevator doors from afar* *bends in a Magishun way* Everyone. If you please. Let's have a... business seminar on Earth.

Metatron: *too stunned to have a brain cell left to give a fuck anymore*

The group: *leaves in astonishment without him*

[plumbum-art]

´I did the „I was wrong“ dance in 1650, 1793, 1941…“´

What happened during Aziraphales apology dance in 1941?

A silly little GO2 comic in two parts. In which there is a lot of text, a nopology and a bit of jealousy.

[blitheringbongus]

Personally I think they’d be cute

[sunderwight]

Thinking about Black Widow Luo Binghe.

Hear me out -- so just like in canon, Shen Qingqiu self-destructs to save Luo Binghe, dies, and Luo Binghe steals his body to put on ice while he looks for methods to resurrect him. But unlike in canon, staving off decomposition is simply not that doable for a matter of years, even with cultivation and Luo Binghe pouring qi into the process. The qi costs are still high, so is Xin Mo, and now Binghe also needs a special artifact that can actually preserve Shen Qingqiu, but that runs on blood sacrifices.

To get the thing working, Luo Binghe feeds it a bunch of prisoners from the Water Prison. Then he starts kidnapping cultivators to drain for his own qi reserves, but that's difficult, controversial, and he can't use the same victims for the blood sacrifice afterwards. Frankly, between one thing and another it would be easier to satisfy Xin Mo with dual cultivation, and focus on finding victims for Shizun's Snow White style glass preservation coffin without having to choose between using targets for one or the other. Especially given that, if he finesses it, Luo Binghe can extend the use of his sacrifices and get more out of them with fewer deaths that way.

He's pretty sure that Shizun would want fewer deaths.

Of course, he is not a fan of the logistics of the plan itself, but he'd do worse things to one day be reunited. He consoles himself that he's building up bedroom experience for one day being with Shen Qingqiu, and that it doesn't really count because his heart's not really in it, and also if Shizun got to spend all that time in brothels then it's only fitting that Luo Binghe be his equal in this as well. It still doesn't make it pleasant for him, but it makes him able to tolerate the necessity of it.

So Luo Binghe ends up marrying a string of rich and powerful figures -- mostly the villainous single fathers and mothers and evil uncles of harem members from PIDW, rather than their daughters -- and coming up with creative ways of making all their deaths a few months into the process look like accidents. After the third one people are undeniably wary of marrying him, but there's always someone with a big enough ego to think they'll be an exception, or stupid enough to believe that it really has just been so much bad luck up to that point. It helps that the universe is predisposed to let him hit it.

When SY wakes up in the shroom body and hears about Luo Binghe's succession of marriages, he's not surprised. What he is surprised by is the bisexual graveyard of toxic dilfs and milfs that has replaced the harem.

What did he do to cause that?!

And what does Luo Binghe mean that he wants to marry his own shizun now? Is this his new method of revenge??? Binghe, you don't have to marry someone to kill them!

[ckducky]

This one goes out to @a-dauntless-daffodil. They infected me with the hilarious idea that Charlie is jealous of an inanimate object.

[seizethegay420]

[catofoldstones]

we already have people bitching about how “i can’t stand Chani, she’s so annoying 🙄” and “Paul chose Chani to be the mother of his children, Irulan is just at the sidelines eating dust as she should”, like brothers we cannot do this again. We can’t Chani v Irulan our way out of this one because the problem is Paul and the Empire. Gosh, we truly are never getting out of the patriarchy.