#Or just jordie or jordan

[omgjayaaa]

I don’t remember the name for Cinder x Jay but lately it’s been invading my thoughts

all I see are those silly Lego characters ;-;

[midnightwinterhawk]

I see you're beaten and bloody.. I like that in a man.

[st-louis]

game day fits

[slasherscream]

She Likes a Boy (And I’m Not Just a Boy)

pairing:  jordan li x fem!reader

summary: You and Jordan are friends with benefits, and Jordan is trying so hard to be okay with that. Somehow, they still fell in love with you despite their best efforts to not fucking do that. But you've only ever fucked them when they're a guy, so they assume you're only interested in them one way. Just like everyone else. You've never said anything to make them think any different so it's obvious, right? So they take what they can get. Which is only half. And they keep you at a distance, because anything else will kill them.

A/N: flashbacks are in all Italics. some smut.

gif credit: artemidosgifs and stannyramirez

“Oh shit, Jordie, wait-” You can’t catch your breath, legs shaking where they’re thrown over Jordan’s shoulders. 

“Stop fucking squirming.” Jordan huffs, licking some of your wetness off your thigh.

Your vision is swimming a little. How long have you been in this position? Or in Jordan’s room? It’s hard to keep track of anything, when you’re with them. His tongue finds your clit again. Insistent, rough swipes. You’re too overworked now for anything gentle to even register. How many times have you cum now? 

“You always taste so fucking good.” Jordan moans, voice hoarse and low.

He puts a hand under your back to press you further into his mouth. With only your shoulders pushed into the mattress you can’t move. Jordan’s eyes are always glued to your face when you fuck. As if he’s daring you to shy away from whatever he’ll do to you next. 

Considering that his favorite thing to do is overstimulate you, you’re not sure the irritation is fair. What are you supposed to do when he’s made you cum four times and is still going? According to Jordan, the answer is simple: lie there and take it. 

Lifting you up. Pinning you down. These are the solutions he’s arrived at. Jordan hates having to chase you just to give you the orgasm you begged him for in the first place. 

“You ready for my fingers again?” Jordan asks, but it’s not a real question, because you don’t get to so much as gasp before he’s plunging three fingers into you again. 

He’s rough as he rocks his fingers into that soft spot inside of you that always makes your eyes roll back into your head. He knows the angle you like him to use by heart. 

“Fucking shit, Jordan!” Your hands fall into his hair, grip like a vice, and Jordan half moans and half laughs against you.

It’s the vibrations that send you over the edge again. The breath leaving your lungs in one rush as that coil inside releases and makes the world go white and your ears ring. 

You come back to yourself slowly. Jordan hovering over you, pressing kisses into the side of your neck. You grasp at his shoulders, pulling him down so that he's laying on top of you. The weight is comforting after the overwhelming head rush. You still feel shaky. He goes down easily, wrapping one arm underneath you.

“I can feel you smirking, jerk.” You laugh weakly, hitting his arm.

“You soaked my fucking fingers. Think I'm allowed a smirk.” Jordan says. 

He lifts his head from your neck and there's that smug look you love to see him wear. It's enough to make you ready to have him all over again. You settle on gently massaging his scalp. 

“I'll tell you what you're allowed.” You tease, grinning at him. 

“Hah! Always have enough energy to be a fucking brat, huh?” Jordan rolls his eyes. 

You wrap your legs around his waist to bring him closer. “I've got enough energy to make out too! Gimme a kiss.”

“Fucking insatiable.” Jordan scoffs, but gives in. Because he always does. 

It's hard to think when Jordan kisses you. He kisses like he doesn't need to breathe. Or be anywhere else but with you. One of his hands finds yours, locking your fingers together. You squeeze tight. Try not to imagine holding his hand like this outside each other's dorms. Because that only ever makes you feel empty afterwards when all the hormones from the orgasms should leave you floating.

You get a third wind when Jordan rocks his hips against yours and you feel he's hard again. You reach a hand between the two of you, grasping his dick to angle him back inside. Thank God for Supe refractory periods. You sigh when his tip pushes into you. 

“Yeah princess? You want me again?” He tries to sound teasing, nonchalant, but he only sounds like he wants you just as bad.

You rock your hips so that he slides inside fully. Watch him tilt his head back and moan for you as you move. Hungrily taking in the way every sound shapes his mouth. You lean up to kiss at the underside of his jaw. You can't leave any hickies on him but you always kiss him like you want to. God you fucking wish you could. Maybe if you could leave marks people wouldn't chase after them so much. If everyone knew Jordan was yours. But Jordan isn't yours. 

You bite him a little harder.

Jordan's hand finds your throat. You whine, the noise strangled against his palm. You go lax as he pushes you back into the bed. Gently. His fingers flex, a little tighter, and your eyes flutter shut. 

“Gonna be good for me?” Jordan asks.

You nod your head frantically, legs dragging him closer. It's never close enough. No matter what you do. 

“Yeah, I'll be good, Jordie.” You say the words he wants to hear, feeling your head go soft and thoughtless again.

“Fucking liar.” He grinds his hips into yours and chokes you harder when you clench around him. 

You’d been fast friends, best friends, since the moment you stepped on campus and met one another as freshman. Talking to Jordan. Spending time with them. Everything that first year didn’t even feel like getting to know one another. It just felt like coming home.

You didn’t say as much to Jordan. They would have rolled their eyes and scoffed at how sensitive you were, if you had. But you knew they felt the same way. You were the one Jordan went to whenever they were sad. When they were excited. When they were coming into themselves, learning to love who they were after a lifetime of everyone else telling them not to. 

You were the first person to see them. Before Brink, even, you saw them. All their potential. All their greatness. All of them, and Jordan had never forgotten that. 

Jordan saw you too, in turn. You’d never felt like much more than a pretty face, before Jordan. 

You were the type of beautiful that made people look twice when they walked past you. When you were a little girl you soaked in all the praise like a flower. Every: ‘she’s so pretty’, and ‘well look at her!’, or ‘oh wow!’ was nourishment to your little soul.

It would be impossible to pinpoint the moment you realized that was all anyone saw. Even once your powers manifested. Advanced healing, advanced reflexes, limited invulnerability, energy manipulation. You were the whole nine yards. Your parents, when you were thirteen, had sent a video of you using your powers off to Vought. 

A man and woman showed up a day later in suits, wanting to meet you personally.

“She sure is a little looker, isn’t she?” The man had said, and he’d held your hand for too long before he let go. 

They’d come prepared. With ideas for costumes. Which team of teenage Supes you should be placed with. If you should just go straight for television. The adults talked around you. Not paying you any mind as you stared at the costume that would reveal so much skin. You’d never worn a skirt that short before. You hadn’t been allowed, hadn’t even wanted to, really. If you’d come home from the mall having bought anything like that on your own, your parents would have blown a fuse. Now they just sat on either side of you, mile wide grins plastered on their faces. 

All the voices faded to background noise. You realized maybe you were too young to be a superhero. You thought it would involve more... saving people. Running into burning buildings. Getting the bad guys. Saving the day. The people from Vought were only talking about magazine spreads. About what persona would fit your look. 

“What about school?” You’d asked, quietly, and everyone in the room had turned to look at you baffled. 

“What about school, sweetheart?” The woman laughed. “You’ll get a private tutor, of course. But your future is big. You won’t even have to worry about stuff like that anymore. Goodbye lame homework. Hello red carpets!” 

You sat very quietly until they left. Your parents were more angry than you’d ever seen them, when you told them you wanted to wait until after high-school to pursue being a hero. 

You knew telling them you weren’t sure you wanted to do it at all was off the table. 

During high-school you noticed people didn’t listen to you. You would be telling someone about your favorite book; or talking about a movie that changed your whole worldview, only to realize the other person had been staring at your lips the entire time. 

You stopped talking so much about things you cared about. No one listened anyways. 

‘Bimbo.’

‘Airhead.’

‘Slut.’ 

Were all things you’d heard before you’d ever gone on your first date. Gotten so much as your first kiss on the cheek. High-school was lonely, and you couldn’t talk about it being lonely without sounding like an asshole, you quickly realized. The few friends you had would roll their eyes when you’d try and vent. You thought it was just playful ribbing. Friends tease each other. It made you feel included! Until you caught them mocking you behind your back to one another.

‘Look at me, I’m Y/N, and life’s so hard because I’m so pretty and popular. Is she fucking serious? Stuck up bitch.’ 

You stopped venting.

When you got to God-U, you weren’t sure what to expect. College was a chance to reinvent yourself. Even if you weren’t sure you wanted to be a Superhero you knew this could be a chance to find your people. Lifelong friends. 

People who you could get coffees with between classes. Who would go to all your birthdays and want to be there. People you would spend hours on the phone with. Fall asleep studying together. Girls who might like you enough to make you their maid of honor. Guys who would high five you when you did something cool and not try to sneak a glance at your chest. 

You were imagining it all as you unpacked your boxes. Your stomach twisting itself into knots. Living in a half world between excitement and dread.

Then you met your roommate and she gave you the look. The look you’d gotten all your life from girls, and you knew you’d never be real friends. Girls who looked at you like that kept their boyfriends away from you at parties. And they never shared the secrets that friends share because they thought you’d put them in a fucking burn book. The look alone almost made you give up and just go home. 

You went for a walk instead, fighting back tears. That’s when you ran into Jordan. Literally, ran into Jordan. You knocked the both of you to the ground. 

When they’d snapped, “What the fuck dude?” at you, harsh and angry and very them, you’d burst into tears. 

It wasn’t the perfect way to meet your person. But you were glad you met them at all. 

 “Stop moving your eyes away from the screen.” Jordan says. 

“I’m not allowed to move my eyes away from the screen?” You laugh.

“No, this part is really important. You have to pay attention. I wanna see if you catch it.” 

You try your best to keep your eyes glued to the screen, as instructed. But you can’t help the way you keep glancing towards Jordan. She looks good. She always looks good, but right now you don’t even want to look away from her. The colors of the movie flashing across her face, blues and golds, make her look like a painting. 

“Are you watching?” Jordan asks, and you smile at the excitement in her voice. 

You look back towards the movie, wondering what she wants you to see so badly. You look just in time. A small detail catches your eyes and you gasp, reaching out a hand blindly to shake her in your own excitement. 

“Did you see that in the background?” You shake her again, for good measure.

“I saw it.” Jordan laughs.

“That means that he killed the wife!” 

“How do you figure?”

You pause the movie, ready to explain where you think the plot is heading. When you turn to face Jordan you have to take a deep breath. You don’t know whether you love or hate that look. Your feelings on the matter change day to day. 

Jordan is leaned up into the arm of the couch, relaxed, and she’s staring at you with The Smile she wears sometimes. She started doing it a few months into your friendship. Back when you used to talk and then slowly stop. So completely sure that nobody wanted to hear what you had to say. 

Jordan had asked you, back then, why you always stopped telling stories halfway through, or stopped talking about your day, or the latest book you’d read. 

You wanted to lie, at first. Eventually you told a half truth, “I never have anything interesting to say.” 

Jordan had looked at you for a long time. You were worried that somehow, up until that moment, they hadn’t realized how boring you were. But you acknowledging it out loud had made them think about it, and now they were going to ditch you for a friend who was interesting, funny, and smart. 

Instead, Jordan had told you that she loved the way your mind worked, and she’d smiled The Smile at you, for the first time. You hadn’t known how to respond, to the words, or the smile. You turned the conversation back towards Brink’s latest class assignment. 

Later that night you’d gone back to your dorm room and cried, but you’d felt happier than you’d ever felt. 

It made you feel warm and soft that three years later Jordan still smiled at you like that. It felt like your cue to say anything on your mind, no matter how dumb. Green light means go. The Smile means talk. 

“Well?” Jordan nudges you with her foot, still smiling, and waiting for you. 

You shake your head to break free of the spell she puts you in, “Well, look at his sense of style for the entire movie. All his stuff is modern and sleek and then the first time we see his bedroom all the rest of the decor is in line with the rest of the house, except that one thing. All the camera shots are so purposeful and they lingered a little, after he walked away. They wanted us to see he was keeping a trophy. He totally killed her, didn’t he?” 

Jordan pauses for a second and then laughs. “I don’t know how you always guess right. I didn’t see the twist coming at all the first time I watched it.”

“Secondary super power.”

“Connecting all the dots?”

“Connecting all the dots, yeah.” 

“Y/N! Y/N, thank fucking god, you gotta come with me.” Cate grabbed you by the arm, rougher than she’d ever touched you before. 

“I was on my way to class.” You tripped over your feet as Cate pulled you the opposite way you needed to go.

“Forget class! Jordan’s gonna get themself expelled.” Cate snapped. 

“What?!” 

“They’re beating the shit out of Peter in the locker room. Luke’s not on campus. I can’t get close enough to stop them-”

You’d broken into a sprint towards the fighting arena. You didn’t know what the hell was happening. Peter and Jordan had spoken maybe ten times to each other in all the years of attending the same university. 

You’d never gotten anywhere so fast in your life. Andre was standing steadfast in front of the entrance to the boy’s locker room, a small group of other students standing outside. You could hear the sounds of fighting pouring out from the door. 

“Back it up you fucking vultures.” Andre snipped. He might not have super strength but he was still Number 4, and could look intimidating when he needed to. 

“Andre, what’s going on?” You pushed to the front of the crowd. 

“Thank fuck Cate found you. You gotta get in there. Jordan’s gonna fucking mur-” Andre glanced at the phones pointed at the both of you, trying to record even a drip of gossip about top students trying to seriously hurt each other and lowered his voice, “Jordan is actually gonna fucking kill Peter. I’ll keep the crowds back. Get in there.” 

You moved past him into the locker room and your jaw dropped at the state of the place. 

You thought these lockers were bolted down. Apparently not. At least four rows of them were knocked to the ground, heavily dented. A water bottle refilling station had been crumpled to nothing, exposed pipe spraying water across the floor.

“Get off of me you fucking animal.” You heard Peter cry from further in the room and ran. 

Jordan had shoved Peter up against the wall. You were surprised Peter was still conscious. He was lucky he healed so fast. You could see his black eye fading even as Jordan broke his nose. 

“You fucking stay away from her. You understand? I hear you fucking talking like that again and I take the tongue out of your fucking mouth, you asshole.” 

Peter laughs through a mouth full of blood,“Not my fault she gave it up so easy, Li-” 

Jordan throws him into one of the last standing lockers and you see that they are indeed bolted into the ground. Evidently, Jordan throws stronger than Supe resistant steel can take. When Jordan moves to lift Peter out of the crater his body made in the downed locker you rush in between them, putting a shield up. 

“Y/N?” You can see some of the anger fade from Jordan’s face, just a little, at the sight of you.

“Hey, Jordie. Think Peter has had enough.”

Jordan scoffs, “No, he really fucking hasn’t,” he leans around you to yell at Peter, who’s trying to push himself onto his knees, “He’s still running his fucking mouth!” 

“Pussy whipped asshole-” Peter groans.

You glance at Peter on the floor, aghast, “Peter! Stop antagonizing, Jordan. What’s wrong with you?” 

“Unbelievable, honestly. You walk in on Jordan kicking my ass and you tell me to stop antagonizing the fucker?” Peter huffs, pushing his nose back into place so it won’t heal wrong. 

“Name calling isn’t gonna make him stop kicking your ass. I’m trying to help.” You shoot back.

“Well, no one needs your help, you dumb-” 

“Hey.” Jordan interrupts. He’s not yelling anymore, but his voice is the loudest thing in the room. “Watch your mouth, Peter. I fucking mean it.” 

You look back and forth between them. They watch each other for a long moment. Jordan looking eerily calm. Peter looks away first. 

“Yeah, that’s what I fucking thought. Come on, Y/N.” Jordan grabs your hand and marches you out of the locker room. Past Andre and Cate, who try to stop you both but Jordan waves them off and muscles his way past the crowd too. 

He doesn’t stop until you’re back in his dorm room and he’s shut the door behind the two of you. 

“You were fucking that loser?” He asks, clicking the lock into place.    

“You’re lucky Andre and Cate kept people out of the locker room so there’s no video of everything! You could get expelled, Jordan! What the fuck happened?” 

“He hit me first and he’s not even in the top ten. What’s he at? Number 14? No one’ll give a shit what happens to him. When did you start fucking him?”

“I’m not fucking him! Or… I’m not just, fucking him. I’m… I was dating him. Why were you two fighting?” 

“Dating? For how fucking long? You didn’t tell me you were dating anyone.” Jordan’s hair is already a disheveled mess. He yanks his fingers through the strands and makes it worse. 

“We’ve been going on dates for like… three months? Kinda? Maybe.” You say quietly. 

“Three months?! Are you serious? Why didn’t you tell me? What the fuck?” 

“Why are you so mad?”

“Friends talk to each other about shit like this! And if you’d talked to me, I would have told you that Peter is a clout chasing piece of shit that’ll never amount to anything. You should’ve heard the shit he was saying today. Fucking piece of shit!” 

“That’s why you were fighting?” You wring your hands together, a knot tying itself over and over in your stomach. “What did he say?”

Jordan stops pacing the room, goes still and turns away from you. 

“Well? What did he say? It was bad enough to make you two beat the shit out of each other! So what was it?” 

“He just… You don’t have to worry about it, okay? He won’t go near you again.” Jordan says firmly.

“Whatever he said he’s gonna keep saying. Just behind my back. I should know.”

Jordan sighs and moves to sit beside you on his couch, knee bouncing with anxiety. “He was… bragging to his shitty friends. About being the first guy on campus to fuck you. About how it didn’t even take that long and… how… he was thinking of recording you. So he could show them how slutty you are. It was…. fucking disgusting.” 

“Oh.” You say. 

You swallow around the lump in your throat. You’d done everything you could to avoid something like this happening. Had kept your dates off campus, to make sure he actually wanted to date you and not just the hot girl ranked Number 3. You’d spent nights staying up on the phone laughing and talking. You’d put off sleeping with Peter for a whole two months, even though you liked him, because you wanted to make sure he liked you. 

You hadn’t even let him call you his girlfriend until a few days ago. You thought he really liked you. But no matter how hard you try… you guess this is it. You’re just something pretty to look at. Even Vought doesn’t take you seriously, despite your powers. You’re the top ranked student in everything. Right behind Jordan. Forensic analysis. Combat. Battle strategy. Still, you only ever get asked about makeup routines and how to maintain your figure in interviews. 

You wipe at your burning eyes and try not to cry about something you’ve already accepted. 

“Fuck that guy. Fuck him. He’s so far beneath your level I’m surprised you can perceive his plane of fucking existence, okay? He’s a fucking single cell organism. He doesn’t even know what a brain is.” Jordan gets up from the couch to kneel in front of you, tries to look you in the eyes. 

“I’m so fucking stupid.” 

“No, you fucking are not. Don’t say that about yourself. He’s fucking stupid. It’s genuinely insane you even wasted your time with him. Why didn’t you tell me you were seeing anyone?” Jordan asks, voice quiet.

“I just…. I wanted to make sure he was actually gonna stick around before I even brought him up to you. You’re so … important, why tell you about someone who isn’t? It’s not like you write home to me about any of the people you mess around with! We’ve never really talked about this kind of stuff.” 

“Yeah, but it’s different. I’m not serious about anyone! You were actually dating, Peter. And I would have told you not to.” Jordan rolls his eyes.

“Well, I wanted to make sure it was serious. Before I even said anything.” 

“It wouldn’t have gotten serious if you’d told me about it in the first place. I wouldn’t have let Peter within ten feet of you!” 

“We’re talking in circles.” You huff in frustration, pressing your palms into your eyes to stop the stinging.

“Sorry, I just…. Fucking still wish I was beating the shit out of him, honestly.” Jordan says.

“You are not leaving this room for the rest of the day, Li. Even if he is Number 14, you can’t walk away from a fight then go back for seconds cause you didn’t get it all out the first time. That won’t hold up too well in court.”

“He heals too fast for there to be any marks left on him. It’ll all be hearsay.” Jordan smirks.  

You let out a weak laugh. Jordan reaches out, touching the corner of your lips. “Can we shoot for something a little bigger? If I don’t see you smile soon I’ll actually go kill him.” 

You roll your eyes and slide to the edge of the couch, so you’re resting your head on Jordan’s shoulder, leaning all your weight against him. He wraps his arms around you, rubbing circles into your spine.

“I really wanted it to work out, Jordan.” You mumble into the skin of his collarbone.

“With fucking Peter?” 

“With… anyone.” Your voice wavers and Jordan’s grip gets tighter. “It’s so fucking lonely. I just want to be someone’s favorite person. Not because of how I look, but because they like me. Really like me. And no one fucking does, no matter how hard I try.” The tears start falling now and Jordan pulls back and makes you look up at him, one hand on your cheek. 

“Hey, hey, don’t cry. I fucking… I like you. I’ve always liked you.” Jordan says, frantic as he wipes away the tears as they come.

“It’s not the same, Jordan!” You shake your head, and bite your lip. You’d almost said it’s not enough. Because it isn’t. But you can't think about that for too long. It makes the hole in you ache a little worse. 

“Yeah….guess it’s not.” Jordan says quietly. He keeps wiping away the tears, dutiful and gentle as he goes. 

“You said he hit you first?” You ask, after a long moment of him quietly soothing you.

“Come on, I’m not stupid. Had to let him get the first swing in.” Jordan smirked.

“What did you say to make him hit you?” You ask.

“Told him he was lucky you believe in charity work and giving back to the fucking needy.” 

It’s enough to startle a laugh out of you. You smack his arm weakly before pulling him into another hug. He kisses the top of your head so softly you don’t notice it, too busy laughing. 

“Y/N, good to see you dear. You keeping our Jordan out of trouble?” Brink asks as he comes out of his office, not surprised to see you perched on Jordan’s desk. 

“Professor, we both know that I’m the one getting Jordan into trouble.” You flash the older man your most mischievous grin. 

“Ah, my apologies. I assume that means you’re distracting her from doing her work, as well?” Brink raises an eyebrow teasingly. 

“Yes.” You say.

“No.” Jordan protests, at the same time. 

You throw your head back with a laugh. “It’s a goal I hold most dear to my heart, to distract Jordan from grading these papers. I think I’m succeeding wonderfully, you’ll be happy to know, Professor.” 

“She’s joking, Professor.” Jordan smacks your thigh and you glance down just in time to burn the image of her hand on your thigh into your brain. She almost never touches you, when she’s like this. 

“You know, Jordan, I didn’t happen to lose my sense of humor after I hit sixty.” Brink waves off Jordan’s concern and leans towards the two of you, whispering conspiratorially, “I know the gray hair gives the illusion of being a boring old fart, but I do like to laugh every now and then.”

Jordan shakes her head with a small laugh and you can’t help but watch, entranced, at the way her hair brushes the olive skin of her cheeks. When you look back towards Brink you find him already watching you, a knowing smile on his lips. You laugh nervously, and look down at the wood grain texture of Jordan’s desk. It’s suddenly fascinating. Is it real oak? Cherry?

“You close to being done, Jordan?” Brink asks casually. 

“Uh-” Jordan’s face blanches and you suddenly feel genuinely sorry for distracting her from her work. 

“-relax, kiddo. You’re not in trouble. Geez, what am I, a work nazi? Those papers don’t need to be graded for another four days, right? You work too hard. I was just asking cause’ I was getting a little hungry myself and wanted to know if you could use a break? There’s a great new Indian place nearby, apparently. Professor. Karp was telling me about it yesterday. It’s only a twenty minute ride away. Wanna tag along?” 

“I should probably finish up a few more papers-” 

“She would love to take a break, Professor.” You reach over, saving the work Jordan’s done and shutting down her laptop at lightning speed. 

“Brat.” Jordan mouths the word at you quickly, so Brink won’t see. 

You stick your tongue out at her, not caring if anyone sees. 

“You should come along too, Y/N. Been awhile since we last caught up.” Brink has a twinkle in his eye that you can’t quite place.

You slide off Jordan’s desk anyways, not willing to pass up any valuable Time Spent With Jordan, “I’m not sure if I trust Professor Karp’s recommendation on restaurants, but I’ll try and be very brave about it if the food is awful.”

“Jordan, have I ever told you how much I love this girl?” Professor Brink shrugs on his coat with a laugh. 

“Yeah.” Jordan watches Brink help you into your own coat with a small smile. “Yeah, Professor you have.” 

“Fucking fuck me!” Jordan throws her phone onto the coffee table in front of her.

“Are the parental units being emotional terrorists again?” You ask from your spot on her bed, turning the page of your textbook, mindlessly highlighting another sentence that could be important for the upcoming final. 

“No, it’s just the whole fucking roster is busy.” Jordan roughly runs a hand through her hair, disheveling her bob. 

“Huh?” You look up from your notes.

“The whole roster is locked in for finals but I really need to let off some fucking steam!” Jordan sighs.

“How big is the roster?” You try to sound curious, like a best friend would be, and not irritated, like someone in love with their best friend would be. 

“Too big for me to not be fucking someone right now.” Jordan snips. 

“We are studying right now. Or I’m studying, and you should be studying too, instead of thinking about needing to get your rocks off.” You say coolly, flipping to the next page. 

“I can’t fucking focus.” Jordan groans, but comes back over to the bed and flops down beside you, throwing her arm over her eyes. “What concept are we on now?” 

“Theories on limiting public and private property damage in fights with other Supes.”

“There is no fucking way I can focus on something that fucking boring without having an orgasm first.”Jordan groans, again, “It’s not even about limiting loss of human life or injury?”

“Nope. Property damage.” 

“Fuck me!” 

You both fall into silence. You studying. Jordan, you assume, weighing the pros and cons of downloading Tinder. The thought makes your stomach drop.

Then you get an idea. An awful, horrible, no good, rotten fucking idea. 

Your mouth is opening before you can stop yourself, “You could fuck me.”

“Huh?” You’ve never seen Jordan sit up so fast.

“I just mean- … we really gotta focus and I... I mean if you just need to let off some steam we could always…” You try your best to fumble your way into proper usage of the English language but even the thought of fucking Jordan makes that impossible. 

“Are you serious right now?” Jordan shifts halfway through the sentence, eyes glued to your every nervous, jittery movement as you sit in front of him.

“Wouldn’t have said anything if it wasn’t a real offer.” You say quietly, not looking up from the book. 

Jordan snatches said book from your lap and tosses it away, ignoring your noise of protest. “You don’t think it’d make things weird?” 

“Weird was when I had to take you to get your wisdom teeth removed and you kept saying the green man was gonna get us while you were still high off the good stuff. Sex is just sex, right?” You try to say it casually. 

“Would… would it be a one time thing?” Jordan asks slowly.  

“It could be more… we could be-” You say, equally as slow. 

“- could be?” Jordan echoes, voice sounding oddly tight and expression carefully blank.

The look is so strange it makes you panic, and if you’d thought of saying something stupid and desperate for one second like ‘a couple’, well, that look on his face is more than enough to send you straight back to reality on the ‘my-life-fucking-sucks’ express in no time flat.

“We could be like friends with benefits!” You blurt out in one breath. 

“Oh.” Jordan says. 

“It was just an idea.” You reach for the textbook again, which landed near Jordan’s thigh. You’re careful not to touch him when you grab it, or sound too disappointed, or heartbroken at the completely lackluster reaction Jordan has to the thought of having sex with you. “A stupid idea, forget it.”

“Why’s it stupid?” Jordan’s brow furrows, tone teetering on the edge of defensive. 

“I mean…” You can’t think of a reason fast enough. “We’re probably sexually incompatible.” 

“Why do you assume that?” Jordan goes from staring at you, to glaring at you. 

You’ve always hated how once Jordan latches on to a line of questioning, you can’t get them to drop that interrogation for shit. A dog with a bone has nothing on a Jordan who wants an answer.

“I don’t… know?” You say, but it sounds like a question. 

“I think we’d be compatible.” Jordan states this like he’d state the sky is blue or water is wet. 

“Have you thought about it before?” You ask, bewildered. 

“What, are you into something really kinky?” Jordan answers your previous question not at all.

“No!” There goes that nervous body language of yours again. 

“Only way to really know if we’re sexually compatible is to actually try it out.” Suddenly, Jordan is within your personal space bubble. 

You don’t really know how to react, your body freezes up on instinct. Jordan’s hand comes up to rub soothing circles into the crook of your elbow. Your shoulders fall away from your ears.

“Can I kiss you?” Jordan’s voice is quiet, soft as he tilts his head to knock his nose against yours. Playful, teasing. But the look on his face is something you can’t place at all. 

You feel his breath on your lips and nod absentmindedly. 

“Don’t want you to nod when I ask you a question like this. Yes or no, Y/N?” 

“Ye-” The words not fully out of your mouth before Jordan is kissing you, a heavy hand pulling you closer by the nape of your neck. 

You pull yourself into Jordan’s lap and try to focus on how good it feels when he nips at your bottom lip, instead of how much you wished you’d asked him to be your boyfriend. Or girlfriend. Partner. Everything. Even if he’d said no, at least then you would have had an answer. Now you’ve only made your life harder. 

You stop thinking so much when Jordan puts a hand on your hip and guides you to grind yourself against him. 

“Y/N’s right.” Jordan mutters, not looking up from his phone. 

“No, she is not. You’re just agreeing with her because that’s your default factory setting. Listen to the context of the argument please.” Andre snaps, drowning his Vought Triple meat burger in ketchup.

“I did. Your grim dark theory on children’s media is lame, and Y/N knows more about the Monster’s Inc universe than you ever will.” Jordan shrugs.

“Hah!” You laugh in Andre’s face.

“Is it really such a flex to be an expert on the lore of a Pixar movie universe?” Cate asks teasingly. 

“Yes.” You say. 

“No.” Andre says, like a sore loser.  

“I agree with Y/N, it’s literally in the explicit text of the movie, Monsters Inc isn’t a post-apocalyptic world. It’s a separate dimension from ours. The monsters come to our dimension to harvest screams of children to get clean, scream energy. God, Andre, pay attention during movie night.” Luke jumps in on the tormenting Andre train, grinning wildly at the other man from across the table. He gets a middle finger for his troubles. 

“I’m glad someone pays attention to the intricate lore of the greatest movie of all time.” You sniff haughtily. 

“I literally agreed with you first.” Jordan looks at you from over the top of her phone in a way that makes you blush. 

“I’m glad two people are paying attention to the intricate lore of the greatest movie of all time.” You clear your throat. 

“Thank you.” Jordan’s intense brown eyes fall away from you and you take a gulp of your drink. 

“Bathroom alert, Y/N. A stall just opened up.” Cate tells you pointing to the bathroom door right as another girl exits. 

“I am kissing you on the lips, telepathically.” You say, sliding from the booth you’re all sharing.

“Don’t you telepathically lip lock with my girlfriend.” Luke calls after you, laughing.

“Get some powers of telepathy yourself and make me, fire boy.” You enter the bathroom, shutting out the sounds of laughter from your table with a smile. 

You take the biggest stall at the back and try to go about your business quickly. You hear two faucets turn on, someone washing their hands, and try not to get pee shy. 

“So how was it?” A monotone voice asks, you assume one of the hand washers.

“You know I don’t usually kiss and tell, but it was insane.” A higher, more giggly voice answers. 

“So they really are good in bed then, huh?” The monotone voice sounds a little more curious. 

“Incredible. All the rumors are true. They’re a little… uh, brusque, about the after sex part, if I’m putting it lightly, but the sex itself was great!” The high voice chirps. 

“What? Did they throw you a towel and tell you to kick rocks?” The monotone voice asks. 

“Pretty much.” The high voice sighs. “But they made me cum so many times I think I’d still pick up if they called me again. You think they might?” 

“I say this with all the love in the world: girl stand up.” Monotone voice drawls. 

“You wouldn’t be telling me that if you knew how good it felt to sit on her face.” High voice says.

You stifle a laugh, trying not to get caught eavesdropping, but with Supe hearing it really is hard to mind your own business. Besides, they’re not being that quiet about the conversation anyways. 

“I’ll have to take your word for it.”

“Or you could experience it for yourself. They were just as good as a boy as they were as a girl. Maybe better. I dunno. She was more aggressive as a girl, which was kinda hot.” 

“Jordan Li, pussy eating extraordinaire. Can we go now? Our food is probably ready.” Monotone voice sighs. 

“Fine, but I’m telling you, the things they can do with a strap are-” 

The voices fade away with the sound of the bathroom door opening and closing. 

You find you don’t really want to finish eating your food, when you get back to the table. You spend the rest of lunch trying your best not to look at Jordan, and also ignoring Cate’s concerned gaze boring into the side of your skull. 

You pretend to be sick to avoid having to face the reality of Jordan being more than happy to touch other girls as a girl. They just don’t want to touch you when they’re a girl. You wonder what about you is so uniquely off putting. You wonder why it can’t be you. Why can’t it ever fucking be you? 

Jordan barges into your room on day three of the silent treatment that you told the group chat was due to a raging fever. 

Luckily your eyes, swollen shut from all the crying, and the red nose to match, corroborate the story. 

“We got it all. We’ve got tissues. We got soup. We got pain meds. We got liquid meds. We also have all the ingredients for a hot toddy, if you want to mix your poisons a little.” Jordan begins to unpack everything onto your counter. 

“I don’t want to take anything.” You say morosely, and a little mean, kind of wanting to hate them but just feeling sad. Jordan’s your best friend before anything else, and you could never hate your first real friend. 

“Come on, just a little something. You sound fucked up.” Jordan practically coos, touching your forehead. “Feels like your fever’s gone down a little. Sit up for me.” He says, and pulls you to sit up when you don’t do it on your own.  

“I don’t want to fucking-” Jordan puts two pills in your mouth as soon as you open it to bitch at him. He hands you water to help you swallow it down. 

“Thanks for that. That was really fun for me.” You snap once you’re done.

“It’s for pain and should bring down the rest of your fever.” Jordan lays you back down, tucking the covers all the way up to your chin. You marvel at the way he doesn’t rise to the bait of your very clear attitude. Jordan, catching the look on your face offers you a small glare. “I’m worried. You usually don’t get sick. I’ll check that attitude when you’re better. Now, do you want the damn hot toddy or not?” He rubs your head soothingly.

“Yes, please.” You try not to pout as you watch Jordan make the drink for you. You really hate how hard it is to hate them. “Sorry, Jordie.” 

“Oh, you can go ahead and save that apology for when I make you cry into your pillow, yeah?” Jordan doesn’t even look up from measuring the ingredients.

You pull the covers over your head and leave them there until Jordan pulls them back down. 

You almost hadn’t come to the party. 

You weren’t in a partying mood, as of late. You were in more of a Shakespearean pining era than a City Girls one. But the group had bullied you in the group chat for a week straight until you’d promised to come. The group bullying hadn’t worked so much as Jordan asking you one single time to go had.

So here you were. 

You’d been nursing one drink for the better part of an hour and hadn’t done a single line of cocaine. Jordan had offered you some, but the line had already been placed on the back of his hand. You politely declined, much to his confusion. You only ever did hard drugs with Jordan, and only at big rager parties like this one. 

At the moment you’re nearly sober. Because you didn’t so much as want to touch Jordan right now. Let alone do something like snort a line off of him. Then you’d have to do something like lick the residue off his skin. Which would lead to kissing him. Which would lead to making out with him. Which would lead to fucking him. 

And you think, for the sake of your sanity, you need to be done fucking Jordan Li. 

It’s been about three weeks since you were “sick” and you’d dodged every attempt at getting physical that Jordan tried to initiate since. At first you were able to pass it off as still feeling icky. That excuse worked for a week. Now, you didn’t hang out alone with them and pretended not to see Jordan’s ‘you up?’ texts until morning. 

Your friendship just needs a hard reset. This time spent not having sex will do it. 

Besides, it’s not like Jordan isn’t swimming in fucking choices. What does it matter if you’re one less body off the menu? There are plenty of hot girls at this school. Jordan’s probably already fucked half of them.

You throw back the rest of the drink you’ve been nursing all at once.

“Are you okay?” Cate puts a hand on your arm and you offer her a blinding, completely fake smile. 

“Yeah!” You say, as chipper as possible.

“Jesus christ.” Cate replies, face going all sad and concerned. “What did Jordan do?” 

“Huh?” You blink, confused.

“You are the most pissed off I’ve ever seen you. What did Jordan do? You’ve been avoiding them for like two weeks. What gives?” Cate pulls you closer by the arm so that she doesn’t have to shout over the music. 

“Nothing!” 

“Can you try to lie again but do it better, this time?” Cate frowns.

“Jesus Christ, does everything have to be about Jordan? Must my whole entire goddamn life revolve around Jordan Li?” You snap, the way someone who isn’t mad about anything does.  

“Okay.” Cate says slowly. Like she’s trying to placate a wild animal. 

The tone alone makes you roll your eyes and move to disappear back in the crowd of drunk twenty-somethings. But she firms her grip on you, the leather of her glove digging into your skin. 

“Y/N-”

“I’m fine, Cate. I just have to get over it.” 

“Get over what?” Cate narrows her eyes at you. That shrewd look she sometimes wears when she knows something before someone else falls onto her face. 

You wonder if you’re completely transparent about your pining or if Cate missed a dose of her medication. Is she starting to hear the buzzing of your frantic, angry, miserable thoughts? Or is she just naturally perceptive? 

“So, this is where the real party is hiding!” An arm is thrown around your shoulders suddenly and you are careful not to sigh, because Jordan may not be as perceptive as Cate, but they’re pretty damn close. Especially when it comes to you. 

You’ve never moved away from them holding you close like this before, so you can’t do it now. You try to just be still. Don’t lean into his warmth, but don’t cringe away either. You probably used to melt against him, when he touched you. Pathetically. Desperately. A sunflower following rays of light across the sky. 

“-Princess?” Jordan gives you a gentle shake and your head snaps to the side to look at him. “You okay?”

“Yup!” Apparently, you didn’t say that convincingly because he starts to scowl at you. Surprisingly enough, the thought of withstanding a Jordan interrogation does not make you want to be at this party for much longer. “I’m gonna head out, though.” 

“What?!” Twin exclamations of confusion form Jordan and Cate both.

“Not feeling it. I think I need to get some more sleep. I got a headache, or… something.” You shrug.

“Or something?” Jordan echoes.

“You are not going anywhere, yet, dear friend.” Andre throws his own arm around you, appearing from thin air, and tugging you away from Jordan. You’ve never been more grateful to him. 

“How do you figure that?” You laugh.

“We’re about to play truth or dare in the other room and you dodged playing last time. You can leave after you’ve played. You can’t get known as the truth or dare dodger.” Andre says. 

“You say that as if being a party game dodger is like being known for dodging the Vietnam draft.” You snort.

“No, it’s worse. People that dodged the Vietnam drafts are heroes. Truth or dare dodgers are cowards. Come on.” Andre begins to drag you towards the other room and you go along with minimal dragging of your feet across the floor. 

The room is crowded, but all the faces are familiar. They’re all within the top twenty, or the groupies that hang around everyone in the top twenty. You pull Andre across the room to a spot on a raggedy couch you have to squeeze the both of you into. No room for Jordan, who you want to avoid. Or Cate, who is too fucking perceptive. 

You wish you’d grabbed another drink for yourself. Jordan winds up across the room from you, in an optimal position for trying to catch your eye and give you a concerned look every ten seconds. 

This does not make Truth or Dare more fun to watch. 

Vulgar dare from one classmate to another. Forcing someone else to admit an uncomfortable truth. One humiliation after the other. Pick your poison on whether you want to debase yourself through the damnation of your own words or a physical act. All challenges of self-mortification being doled out by people who secretly don’t like each other very much, but all call each other friends anyways. 

“Earth to Y/N the space cadet.” The girl sitting next to you gives you a playful shove. You try not to glare at her. Her name escapes you. You think she hangs around with number 6. Or something. 

“What?”

“Cate picked you. Truth or dare.” She says the words ominously, causing teasing jeering to rise from the entire group. 

“Well, Y/N, what’s it gonna be?” Cate raises her eyebrow at you challengingly. 

“She doesn’t have to play if she doesn’t want to, guys.” Jordan rolls his eyes.

“Dare.” You say, wanting to get this over with. 

The room erupts into excited noise. You don’t know why. Cate, of all people, would never force you to do anything humiliating. Or truly scandalous. It’s why you trust her enough to say dare, instead of truth. But you never pick dare, because anyone else would abuse the power. Everyone looks too eager to see Number 3 do something embarrassing. 

As if Cate isn’t your closest friend beside Jordan. As if she’d abuse the trust you place in her. It makes you sick. You don’t wanna be here. At this party, or at this stupid fucking school.

“I dare you…. to kiss the prettiest girl in the room.” 

“What?!” Jordan turns to give Cate the nastiest, most disgusted glare you’ve ever seen.

“She doesn’t have to do it if she doesn’t want to. You know I’m all about consent.” Cate shrugs innocently, crossing her legs together and giving you a smirk. 

You sit for a second, contemplating your next move. There are plenty of pretty girls at this party. In this room. If nothing else, the top twenty and their groupies are photogenic (hell, some of them are only in the top twenty because of their looks to begin with. You hope you’re not one of those.) But there’s only one girl you want to kiss at this party. 

There’s only one person in the world you want to kiss at all. 

You take a shaky breath, feeling like the walls are closing in. Andre nudges you subtly, catches your eye, as if to say: ‘you okay?’ but there’s something else in the look too. Something that says it’s not just Cate, who knows. Probably your whole friend group knows how you feel. Probably the whole school. Probably anyone but Jordan sees it. And Jordan probably does see it, because they’re too fucking smart not to, and they’re choosing to ignore it. Because it’s easier that way. Because your feelings are probably too inconvenient. Because you’re not their type. Because you’re clingy, and stupid, and not good enough- 

You stand up. The room is a wall of noise, and smell and sound pressing in on you. You see Cate smirk. You see Jordan looking away. You see every girl in the room sit up straight. Delusional, if they think any of them could ever be anything, compared to Jordan. 

You walk past every other girl in the room, and stand in front of Jordan, who still isn’t looking.

You kick his ankle with the toe of your heel, to get him to look at you. His head snaps around, the curls of his hair sticking to his forehead, and he looks comically confused. And it’s really too fucking much, for someone as smart as Jordan to look so confused. So fucking baffled, about what’s happening here. But it’s a pretty convincing act. That only makes you more angry. 

You make an impatient motion with your hand. A ‘do it already’ movement of your wrist. The same way you’d crossly signal for another driver to go first at a fucking four way stop. 

He just blinks up at you, owlish. 

"Well? Are you gonna let me kiss the prettiest girl at this fucking school or what, Li?" The room has gone a little quiet, or maybe the blood is rushing in your ears so bad everything is quiet in comparison. 

Jordan stares up at you for a moment longer than is comfortable. And you really start to feel the eyes of everyone in the room on you. You don’t let yourself shy away from the attention. Not Jordan’s, not anyone else’s. You straighten your spine and look down your nose at him, and tap your foot. Try to look like the mean girl everyone expects you to be because no one cares who you actually are. 

As if you could care less if Jordan leaves you stranded right now. As if it will be their loss, if they don’t kiss you, instead of the worst moment of your entire life. 

Jordan shifts. 

You try not to think of how desperate you must look, when you reach out at a speed that isn’t human to hold her face and angle it up, so you can finally fucking kiss the girl you love. 

You wish you could kiss her like it didn’t mean anything. Like she’s nothing. Like you hate her. But you don’t know if this is the only time you’ll ever get to kiss Jordan when she’s your girl, and not your boy. This might be the last time you kiss Jordan ever. 

It has to be. 

You close your eyes tight. Try to ignore the way they’re stinging. You kiss Jordan slow and tender. The way you’ve always wanted to. You tangle a hand in her hair, to bring her closer. You try not to marvel at the way the longer strands tangle in your fingertips. She gasps against you, and her hands find your waist and you are too sober to cry over Jordan touching your waist above your clothes. Like a fucking middle-schooler. 

But the tears start falling anyways. You let out a quiet sob against her lips that you try your hardest to stifle, and Jordan may not have kissed you like this before. But she’s kissed you plenty. She pulls back, startled, like an animal. Big brown eyes full of concern. 

And the spell is broken, and you are standing in front of about thirty of the world’s worst, most unsympathetic human beings, crying, because you kissed your best friend who doesn’t want you back. 

You’ve got ten seconds to leave before someone pulls out their phone and records you. If they haven’t already started. 

So you run.

Through your tears the layout of the house becomes unfamiliar. You try to hide your face a little, and hope people don’t recognize you as you pass them by, sobbing openly. 

Years of pent up feelings are bubbling out of you. The relief. The grief. The way you hate yourself for falling in love with the only person who has ever loved you. Wondering why you couldn’t just be grateful for the kindest, most understanding friendship you never even thought yourself worthy of. Why couldn’t that have been enough? 

Why did you fall in love with them? 

A hand closes around your wrist and you try to yank yourself away but you’re pulled into a bathroom and the door slams shut behind you. 

You wipe your eyes so you can see who’s tried to save you from embarrassing yourself any further. 

It’s Jordan. Because of course it is.

You burst into tears again. 

“Are you fucking drunk? What the fuck was that? Y/N what the fuck is happening right now?” Jordan sounds on the verge of a mental break. 

She’s probably wondering what type of things people are gonna start saying about the two of you on social media. She’s probably mad at you for giving her a PR mess to clean up. 

“I’m not drunk!” You protest, sounding a little like someone who might be drunk. 

“Are you high? What did you take? Lemme see your pupils.” Jordan reaches out to grab your face and you swat her hand away. 

“No one fucking drugged me, Jordan. I’m just a stupid fucking idiot who’s in love with you! There! Are you happy?! Why don’t you go laugh at me with one of your stupid fucking girlfriends. You’ve got so fucking many of them.” You wail, sinking down to the floor, and hiding your face in your arms. 

The room goes quiet, besides the sound of you crying. Loudly. You think you might be having an anxiety attack. You can’t breathe right. But maybe that’s just from the heaving, toddler-like sobs. 

“You’re in love with me?” Jordan asks, quietly. 

“As if you don’t know!” You snap your head up to glare at her. She kneels down in front of you, and puts her hand on your knee and you try not to get distracted by how pretty she is. “I follow you around like a puppy dog. Like your little shadow. And everyone notices except for you, because you don’t want to notice, because you don’t fucking want me. I got the message, Jordan. I got it!” 

“What message?!” Jordan grabs you by the shoulders, voice fraying at the edges, and looks like she wants to shake you.

“You don’t touch me!” Your voice raises to the edge of a yell, and the sound of it echoes in the small room. 

“What are you fucking talking about-”

“-don’t be cute, Jordan. You don’t touch me when you’re a girl! I thought… I thought it was maybe just that you didn’t touch girls when you’re a girl but it isn’t. Apparently you have plenty of fucking girls that you touch and fuck, when you’re a girl. It’s just me, that you don’t! What’s so fucking bad about me? Huh? What’s wrong with me? Why don’t you want me?” You demand.

You think you might sound like an insane person, and you wish you could pull the words back in but the hurt is bubbling out. A river relishing that first burst of freedom when a dam breaks, no matter how much damage it causes. 

Jordan is staring at you like you’ve grown two heads. Mouth agape. You wish you were dead, a little.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jordie.” Your voice goes small, and you sniffle. “I really tried to stop. But I can’t, I love you. I’ve probably loved you from that very first day. Because you’re wonderful, you’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever met and I don’t know how anyone…” You trail off, fanning at your eyes to try and pull yourself together. “...I don’t know how everyone else knows you without being in love with you. I wish I wasn’t in love with you, please don’t be mad, please don’t fucking-” You sob, again. 

You find yourself pulled into Jordan’s lap this time. It’s a foreign feeling, to be touching so much of Jordan when she’s like this. You bury your face into her neck and cry, and let her black hair block out the fluorescent lighting. She shushes you, cheek pressing against the side of your head, and that’s familiar. The way she soothes you. Your hands wrinkle the fabric of her jacket, clinging to her tightly. 

“I’m sorry. I can get over it, I promise. I just needed to tell you. I’ve never kept anything from you before. It was killing me, but I can get over it, Jordie, I promise-” 

“Hey, hey, hey, no-” Jordan’s turning you to look at her suddenly. “Don’t fucking… I’m not… I’m not mad at you or fucking… gonna leave you, Y/N. What the fuck? I love you.”

You could start crying from the relief of hearing those words come from her lips again. You thought she wouldn’t ever speak to you again. She grabs you by the chin and kisses you, hard, your teeth clink together and your noses mush and you go completely still and frozen, like a scared deer. 

“I could see the words not fucking register in your brain the way I meant them. I am in love with you. Romantically.” Jordan barely pulls away, you feel her lips brush against yours, every other word. 

“What?” 

Jordan laughs, “Good, now you’re just as confused as I fucking was. Why the fuck wouldn’t I want you? I’ve always wanted you. You’re…you.” 

“I’m me?” You echo. 

“I didn’t…. I didn’t want to make you feel… like everyone else has. Like I was just fucking waiting around for a chance to date you. Or fuck you. As if your friendship doesn’t fucking matter. Or was a consolation prize, if I couldn’t get you to date me. It isn’t a consolation prize. It’s the most important thing to me in the fucking world.” Jordan laughs, and the sound is suspiciously choked up. 

“Oh.” You say, and are crying. Again. Jordan laughs and wipes the tears away with her thumb. 

“But what about when we started having sex? You still… never touched me when you’re like this.” 

“You’ve never said anything about liking girls.” Jordan says quietly.

“You’re not just a girl. You’re the girl. And guy. ” You say, holding her hand against your face and kissing her palm fiercely. She laughs again, and puts her forehead against yours. 

“So what? I’m the one girl you’re into?” Jordan raises a brow and doesn’t look very happy saying the words, oddly enough. 

You tilt your head trying to puzzle out why, slowly, you arrive at a conclusion. “I literally talk about girls all the time.” 

“When?!” 

“I’m constantly pointing out pretty ones!” You snap. 

“I thought you were just being sweet!” Jordan snaps back. 

You close your eyes and breathe in the smell of her cologne. 

“You make me so angry I don’t know how to think.” You say, and kiss her bottom lip softly. “You’re not an… experiment, if that’s what you’re asking. You’re the…” You trail off, realizing this is not one of your romantic daydreams where you’ve thought of the words you’d tell Jordan over and over again. 

In real life you can’t tell people that they’re the love of your life if you aren’t their girlfriend. Unless you want to look crazy.

Jordan, who is your best friend, before she’s anything else, melts. Because she knows you well enough to know what you aren’t saying.

“Yeah.” Jordan nods, sniffling once and trying to look very tough even though her lip is quivering a little. “I… I love you too. Or whatever.” 

“If it makes you feel better I’ve slept with other women before, to make sure I wasn’t just in love with you.” 

“Weird fucking thing to tell me after I say I love you, but go off.” She glares at you. 

“I think you could do with feeling a little jealous. Why am I hearing stories about how good you are at fucking other women while I’m trying to piss at Vought Burger in peace?” 

“What?” Jordan’s brow furrows. 

“Three weeks ago I heard-”

“-I fucking knew you’ve been mad at me!” Jordan grabs your waist, pulling you closer.

“You would have been pissed too, if you heard the shit I was hearing!” 

“If I hear anyone talking about fucking you ever again I’m going to go to prison.”

“Hot.” 

“Shut up and be my girlfriend.”

“Shut up and be my everything.” 

“You’re gross.” But she kisses you, and it’s gentle, and no one else is there to see it. 

And it’s perfect.

A/N: this is my first time doing full on smut for a fic! it beat me the fuck up. if you enjoyed this fic consider reblogging, leaving a reply, or an anon! a writers fuel is engagement. and this fic took too damn long to write. xoxoxo

[poppy-metal]

🍄 poppy poppy poppy, cockwarming jordan during a group movie night but only cate shows up, cate who for some reason decided to sit on the other side of you but we all know why, she's currently whispering filth into your ear about how well your hungry pussy is taking them in.

cate always feeds into jordans sadistic streak - both of them together with you between always spells danger for you. the flame of humiliation licking up your spine as cate smirks at you, well aware of how your little cunt is stuffed under the blanket thrown over you in jordans lap. you cant help the aborted little moves of your hips either trying to get friction on your nubby clit.

they make it worse, because they start talking, like you aren't right there on jordans dick.

"so did you hear about-"

"he's fucking stupid, cate. i told you-"

just casual buzz behind you. jordans hands on your hips as you clench and soak the thick length of them inside you, fat and stretching you to the fucking brim. cates hand rests on your thigh over the blanket, her thumb rubbing back and forth.

you only last twenty minutes of this before you can't stay still anymore, start bouncing your hips up and down. jostling jordans cock inside you. their hands tighten on your waist, and you hear their voice hitch in conversation but they keep talking.

you whine then, loud and long, working even faster and that's when they finally look at you.

"wow," cate says, "someone's fucking eager. i thought you had her well trained, jordy?" she giggles. "not that you're much better."

"shit - you try to be composed with this pussy on you."

you nearly sob with relief when they start moving - adjusting their hips, spreading their thick thighs under you so they have the leverage to fuck up into you at last. strong hands helping you bounce up and down. their balls rub against the base of your cunt everytime you bring it back down and you moan deliriously. skin burning up, "s'hot - so hot."

cates hand is tugging the blanket off immediately, and then you're exposed - and cates eyes are drawn to where you and jordan are connected, lips spread wide around the thick cock pushing in and out.

"fuck, that's hot."

its not often cate is rendered uneloquent. the fact that the sight of you getting fucked genuinely affects her makes you clench, pulsing around jordans cock.

"god, she likes that-" jordan grunts from behind you and then you feel their broad chest at your sticky back, and their big corder arms are hooking under your knees and dragging them up, till you're locked in a full nelson. "you like that pussy on display, baby? wanna show cate how good you take daddy's dick in your little girl cunt - "

"oh, its daddy, is it?" cate sounds amused. "is that your daddy, sweet girl? fucking and filling you up, hm?"

you nod dumbly, folded up like a doll in jordans arms, thick cock spearing in and out of your open wet cunt with ease, fat balls slapping your needy little clit with each thrust inside you. "y-yeah, s'my daddy -" you cry, tears burning in your lashline. "daddy's cock n me - so good - uh - "

"fuuuuck. get down there, dun. lick her while i fuck her - make my girl cum f'r me."

oh, you think as cate slinks to her knees before you, coming eye level with your stuffed hole, plush mouth inches away from where jordans sliding in and out. oh, you're going to die.

[scribblesofagoonerr]

sun, sea and sandcastles | buddy & monkey: double the trouble

another request that i had to write a blurb on

beach days surprisingly aren't all that choatic as most people would think with think with this pair

monkey loves the sound of sea but she's more keen to sit on the beach and build her beloved sandcastles, rather than go into the water, which is mostly because she's self conscious of her scars

"monkey, what 'ou doing?"

"i'm going to build a sandcastle. do you want to help me with it?"

"yeah, i help 'ou with it!"

"it's gonna be a massive one, you grab the bucket and put loads of sand in it and then we need the spade to smooth it down, alright?"

"lots' of sand!"

monkey has a ton of patience with this and knows it is important to teach buddy the art of making a perfect sandcastle

it's one of the only times that the two of them are a lot less chaotic than usual

"yeah we need to fill the bucket up with sand, like that, now we smooth it down with the spade and then turn it over,"

"now what?"

"then we give a magic tap, like this, see?"

"i do it! i do it!"

"sure, you can have a go... great job, buddy. now we lift it up carefully and... ta-da!"

"ta-da! whoa, it's a big castle!"

unfortunately, buddy has gained jordan's fear of the water so she's not so keen to dip her toes in the sea at all.

much to leah's disappointment who learnt that the hard way when she tried to encourage it

"buddy, it's totally fine, see?"

"no don' like it, no. water's scary. no!"

"it's not scary, who told you it was scary?"

"monkey! monkey scared of it therefor me scared of it!"

"wha... monkey's not scared of the water, she not... she's not keen on it, but she likes it."

"no mummy, no. sharks in there!"

"there's no sharks in there, little miss,"

"there are! monkey said so!"

"seriously, monkey?"

"okay, so i might've accidentally said something like that, but i was joking... i didn't think she would believe it though."

"buddy listen to mummy, there's no sharks in the water, okay? monkey was being silly to say that-- come on, i'll show you there's nothing to be afraid of."

needless to say that the minute leah placed buddy down on the sand near the water, as soon as her foot was in contact with the water, she burst into tears and begged to be picked back up in the safety of leah's arms again

"no water, no go in there! don' like it!"

"why not? you like the water usually. this isn't any different."

"no like it, no don' want to go in there!"

"but it's just like when you go in the bath when you're at home, see?"

"no, no, i don' want to go in there! no waters' scary!"

"it's not scary buddy, you just have to dip your feet in like this, see?"

"no! i don' like it, no! wanna down, don' like it!"

"sucks for you that shes' got jordy's fear of water."

buddy is definitely terrified of the water and will not go in there at all and it's something that needs to be worked on, but monkey is happy enough to let her build sandcastles for now at least

[wileys-russo]

golden boot, golden girl II r.daly x reader

this started off as a blurb but about 2.3k words later, it's a fic 🕺

golden boot, golden girl II r.daly x reader

"go on girls push up on em, hug em tight!" katie cupped her hands over her mouth and shouted to you all from the corner as you began to shove in as close to the goal as you could get. you were two down and though you refused to check, you knew your time to get anything on the score sheet was running out fast.

as katie connected for the kick the ball came in hard and fast, angled almost perfectly for you to get your head on it and hopefully send it into the back of the net. 

however you felt an elbow dig into your back and with a half step forward you lost your footing, falling to the ground and glancing up to see the ball fly right over you toward the back post, quickly kicked out of play by a defender as the final whistle sounded and the crowd errupted with cheers, the villa players all running to celebrate with one another in the middle of the field.

letting out a deep sigh you rolled onto your back and stayed laid down on the pitch, feeling the warm afternoon sun bathe your face as you covered your eyes with your arm. "come on up now, no time for sulking." manu kicked gently at you as you lazily swatted her foot away and mumbled something she didn't quite catch, the older woman retreating to console the rest of your team.

"hey you, you played really well." another gentle poke to your side. 

you removed your arm and squinted one eye open to meet the caring and concerned gaze of your former team mate, jordan smiling sympathetically as she sat down beside you on the pitch. "i missed three sitters and gave away two free kicks, one of which was scored from!" you grumbled in annoyance, slumping your arm back over your face with a sigh.

"that doesn't mean you didn't play well, the better team just won." jordan poked teasingly again at your side, the older girl having been somewhat of a sisterly figure in the years you'd played together you knew she didn't mean anything by the comment. 

"i am at least glad you're getting the minutes you deserve jordy." you pulled yourself up into a sitting position, the older girl wrapping you in a tight hug before excusing herself to celebrate with her team as you once more flopped back down onto the pitch. 

much as you were at first angry and disappointed when she'd informed you of her transfer, with time you understood why it was needed, and her successful season had only confirmed it for you further.

"oi lazy, the grass called and complained you're squashin it!" a much less gentle kick to your side had you glancing up at the grinning irish woman who offered you a hand. though you should have known better than to accept, as just after your fingers touched she was quick to drop her grip, sending you stumbling back onto your bum.

"mccabe!" you brushed yourself off and glared up at her, kicking your legs out to try and sweep hers out from under her but you were much too slow as she sent you a cheeky wink. 

"come on then, up we get now!" with that she grabbed your hands again, this time properly pulling you up and slinging a strong arm across your shoulders. 

marching the two of you across the field she talked your ear off about not being so hard on yourself, which given the nature of the fact you were your own harshest critic, was a speech you'd heard after almost every match you played. and if it wasn't from her, it was just coming from someone else.

after shaking hands with most of your opposition, exchanging friendly end of season small talk with those you knew well from playing at a national level, you found yourself again sat on the pitch but this time sandwiched inbetween leah and katie, across from you were rafa, beth and viv, the six of you sat in a circle soaking up the sun and discussing your upcoming planned holidays during the off season.

"how's it feeling?" you quietly murmured to leah glancing down at her bandaged knee where her crutches lay beside her, resting your head on her shoulder. even without needing her to confirm you knew she wasn't okay, but you'd also known her long enough to know she wasn't someone easily pushed into opening up. 

"physically? it's alright. everything else? story for another time." the blonde pressed a kiss to your forehead, affectionately patting your leg and nodding for viv to give her a hand up. as your circle dispersed you wandered around looking around for the one person you were yet to speak to, who was also the one you'd been dying to all match.

"hi squinty." tattooed arms wrapped tightly around you from behind, rough but warm lips pressed a few soft kisses to your jawline as you spun around in your girlfriends hold. "you promised you'd stop calling me that." you huffed, smacking at her shoulder as the blonde grinned, loving nothing more than to tease and wind you up and boy was she good at it, and in any way that she wanted.

"well if you wore your contacts when you played or your glasses every other day, i wouldn't need to, would i?" rachel teased, hands moving to rest on your hips as she pushed you softly into the barrier behind you, pressing her body into yours and leaning in. you closed your eyes expecting her lips to touch yours however they simply pressed a kiss to your cheek and she stepped away.

"sorry i can't be seen snogging losers, its bad for my reputation." she shrugged crossing her arms over her chest as you rolled your eyes. but your girlfriend knew she was the only person who could get away with sledging you after a loss without you taking it personally, she was avidly also your biggest supporter and made sure not to let you forget it.

"didn't realise your reputation as a naff muppet would be affected by kissing a cute girl." you shot back jumping up to sit on the edge of the barrier, crossing your own arms over your chest with a satisfied smirk. "oh a naff muppet she says does she?" rachel scoffed, slotting her body inbetween your legs as you nodded in confirmation.

"yeah look i've actually been meaning to end this-" you gestured between the two of you, "-we had our fun and all babe but really i'm just...i'm just too out of your league. i can't keep settling it's a bad look, fitties have to date fitties and..." you trailed off, looking her up and down with a wince.

"you were the best 557 night stand i ever had kid." you continued dramatically with a sigh, placing your hands either side of her face and squeezing her cheeks as she stared blankly back at you, waiting patiently for you to finish. 

"it's not you it's me. ahh i like you too much, i'm holding you back. what else? oh! in order for us to be a better we, i have to be a better me." you paused to think before continuing, finishing with a beaming grin at the unimpressed look on the older girls face. "are you done then?" she quipped with a roll of her eyes.

"yeah i think that pretty much covers it?" you stroked your chin mockingly, looking off into the distance with a contemplative hum. though you let out a yell as suddenly you were looking at the ground again, your girlfriend easily slinging your smaller form over her shoulder.

"rach! put me down." you couldn't help but laugh as the blonde smacked playfully at your bum with her free hand. "i will, gonna water board you in this cooler here first though." your girlfriend replied, waving to your team mates who called our their usual teasing remarks, you flipping them off as you were carried past. 

"wait i have to go get my stuff!" you tried to jump down as she walked off the field and toward the villa change rooms, though her hold on you only tightened. "as the one whose just been dumped i get to go first thanks." 

~

"kiss it!" you struggled underneath the taller girl as she sat on top of you, arms firmly pressed to the bed by her knees as she grinned, the seasons golden boot trophy held tightly in her hands.

"no! i refuse." you pressed your head back into the pillow, shaking your head from side to side as she wiggled the shoe shaped piece of silverware in your face. "baby you either kiss it willingly and i get off ya and we go to dinner, or we continue on like this and you miss out on your pizza." the blonde shrugged, looking down at you.

"are you threatening me right now?" your eyes narrowing at the thought of missing out on eating at your favorite restaurant. 

the two of you hadn't been on a proper date in what felt like months, and rachel had made sure as soon as the fixtures for your final game of the season came out she had a table booked and your evening plans locked down.

though that's not to say the blonde wouldn't keep her word and make you miss out. both of you hot headed and quick to rise to a challenge, sometimes your arguments could last days without either of you willing to compromise, both just as stubborn as one another.

"no i'm promising." your girlfriend smirked, hands resting either side of your head as she slowly lent down, ghosting her lips over yours without any actual contact and pulling away with a teasing smile, wiggling her trophy mockingly in your face once again.

"fine." you muttered with a glare, quickly pecking the cool metal and trying to sit up but your girlfriend pushed you back, head thumping into your pillow. "no, a proper kiss." the girl smiled smugly, feeling your body let out a deep exhale of annoyance beneath her. 

"i am not snogging your trophy just to placate your inflamed fragile ego!" you warned seriously, eyes glaring daggers up at her, only spurring her on further. "well then you're also not getting your pizza baby." rachel shrugged simply, holding out the golden boot expectantly as you threw your head back and let out a loud frustrated groan.

"this is for you, my beloved bella italia." you looked up to the ceiling and spoke, dedicating your actions to your favorite italian restaurant, properly macking on with your girlfriends trophy for a few seconds.

"i hate you daly." you huffed, shoving her harshly off of you as she collapsed onto the bed, clutching at her chest to try and catch her breath, loud booming laughter echoing around the room. "i'm hiring someone to come and take that and throw it in the river when we're in portugal!" you warned bluntly, sitting up and glaring down at your still laughing girlfriend.

"she didn't mean it don't worry you're coming with us to portugal." rachel whispered reassuringly to the trophy in her hands, stretching over to place it down on her side table and grabbing at the back of your shorts as you rolled your eyes and tried to leave, pulling you back down onto the bed and trapping you in a tight hug.

"kiss me like i'm a golden boot." the blonde whispered seductively before her face broke into a grin and she pressed her lips to yours, cold hands wandering up your jersey as her tongue slid into your mouth, your hands pressing on the back of her head to deepen the kiss only spurring her on further.

"you're insufferable." you pulled away, gently biting down on her bottom lip as you did, the girl on top of you holding back a moan. "you're insufferable." she echoed back, a pause lingering between the two of you before your mouth curled into a smile and you pushed your head up to continue the kiss.

your golden boot winning girl, and you couldn't be prouder.

[skipper1331]

A Bronze // Esme Morgan

Being Lucy Bronzes younger sister was fantastic yet hard at times.

Lucy was a loving, caring and proctective (!!) sister - she would do anything for you. You loved her with your whole heart and playing football at a professional level together has always been a dream of yours.

When you got your first call up, she was the first person you called. Same thing with your call up for the euros and same thing now with the world cup.

You were beyond excited. There was only one problem.

With Lucy being in Barcelona and you being in Manchester you haven‘t had the chance to tell her that you were in a relationship. It wouldn‘t feel right telling her through the phone - your excuse. At some point there was a (high) chance that she would jump into a plane and fly straight to you.

To be honest you haven‘t told her yet because you‘re scared. Scared of her reaction or rather of her behavior towards Esme. She would rip her head off. And you really-really liked Esme. Nobody besides a few of your City teammates knew about you.

"Not kissing you all day long will kill me" Esme whined as she pulled at the hem of your shirt. Your arms looped around her neck "Don‘t be so dramatic" you chuckled. Esme fake gasped while clutching her heart, making you laugh. Her favorite sound.

Arriving in camp was a relief. You and Lucy were glued to the hips, updating on your lives. It was nice to see and talk to her in person again. Until now you never realized how much you missed her.

The first few training sessions went smooth. Esme and you kept things professional - acting like friends. Yet sometimes you caught yourselves staring a moment to long at each other. You would sneak lingering touches when nobody was watching or kiss in empty rooms. You couldn‘t help it you were just so in love with one another.

"What would you think about if we told Lucy?" you asked as you sat down at the table. The table was still empty only Esme and you already sitting there with plates in front of you. "Tell Lucy what?" Said person asked. Esme chocked on her water. She didn‘t mind telling her yet she feared Lucy kind off. "Luce! Hey" you smiled through your nervousness. "Tell Lucy what?" her tone was rough. She hated when she didn’t know things- especially when they involved you, her little baby. "Oh nothing! No worries" smiling, you tried to convince the defender. Of course with no luck. "Y/n" she grumbled. "I‘m dating your sister" Esme blurted out. The whole dining room went silent. "Does she have death wishes?" someone gasped. Jordan was standing behind Lucy who was about to explode. "Come again?"

"I am dating Y/n" she took your hand to emphasize her words.

Something clicked inside Lucys mind. You dating someone? No absolutely not. "Do not touch her!" aggressivly, she parted your hands. "Y/n? Is this true?"

"Yes" you looked down, not because you were ashamed but because you felt horrible. You knew Lucys eyes would tell you that she‘s hurt because you didn‘t tell her. And you also knew that her eyes would be full of fury. "Lucy I-" abruptly, lucy shoved her plate to Jordan and grabbed Esme by the collar of her shirt. Even though the blonde was tall enough to have her feet on the ground it was still intimidating as hell. "Lucy!" you yelped. "You better leave my sister alone or you will have some real trouble. Understood?!" your attempt to break them apart was as successful as a shark trying to climb up a tree. pretty much impossible. "I'm not afraid of you" the audacity to talk only made Lucy angrier and made you smile bright. Nobody ever tried to fight your sister for you.

"That‘s enough!" Millie and Rachel grabbed Lucy and shoved her the other way. Lunch was over for her. "Fuck. Are you okay?" Worry laced your voice as Esme was free. Her hand rubbed her neck while the other one was shaking. "Ye-yeah" you pulled her down to sit. "Jordy, could you - you know?" Jordan gave you a nod before your attention was back on Esme.

Lucy was sitting in the gym trying to calm herself down. It was hard. You‘re her little girl how could she not be mad. She was hurt that you didn‘t tell her. She was mad at the fact you were dating someone. not because of a relationship but of the risk of you getting hurt. The worst pain for her isn‘t any physical, seeing you cry/hurt that‘s the worst pain.

One of your first matches for the senior team ended with you being hospitalized due a head injury. The cry of pain which left your mouth was horrific. It haunted Lucy for months. "Hey" a calm voice said. Jordan. "Here‘s your food" carefully, she sat the plate down. "Thanks"

While they ate in silence Lucy appreciated Jordan being there. "I‘ll tell you that because i'm your friend", the villa player started as they finished their meals, "that was such a shit move" which ended with a smack to the head for the Barcelona player. "It’s your sisters girlfriend"

"She‘s too young for a relationship" Jordan looked at her with her 'seriously?' expression. "Esme is not good enough" again, Jordan looked at Lucy with the same expression. "Well. Let‘s look at it from this perspective: would you rather have a total stranger to be with y/n?" No reply. "That‘s what I thought."

"Doesn't mean I approve it"

"You don't have to approve it, at least for now but for starters you can respect them."

Only a grumble was heard.

"For what it’s worth, I think they‘re good for each other"

"I don't"

The next few days Lucy didn‘t talk to either one of you yet she watched from afar. It stung. After not seeing each other for months she was now ignoring you for who knows how long. It made you sad and angry.

"You look hot" you said to Esme as there was a water break. "Than-" she started, her cheeks turning crimson. you didn‘t mean that kind of hot in the moment. Yes, Esme was hot in your eyes but - "Let me help you" with a quick squeeze of your bottle you splashed her face with water. "Hopefully, you don‘t become a mermaid" you laughed referring to H2O, a series you love. A loud gasp escaped the blonde who was chasing you by now. "Arghh come here" the defender smacked her arms around your hips, turning you around so you could face her "that wasn‘t nice, baby" she tried to have a stern face but was failing miserably. "ooopsie" catching her off guard as you pressed a kiss to her cheek, you entangled your body from her arms and ran away again.

Beach day with the team; while some of your friends were walking to the ocean others were talking or playing in the sand (tooney and lessi) whereas Esme and you sat in the sand enjoying the sun. The blonde was hugging you from behind as you laid your back on her chest. Under the sun rays she looked like a goddess. You fell in love with her all over again. "You should stare at the ocean not at me" your girlfriend whispered so she wouldn‘t ruin the vibe "you‘re way more beautiful" was your only reply. As she locked eyes with you you saw the way they lit up after your confession.

Even though you were with Esme and/or the team most of the time your heart was still broken. You missed your best friend. And your girlfriend could tell. She saw the way you would look at Lucy - she would never look back at you. She saw the way your mind was spinning, thinking about If you should approach Lucy. When Chloe (your roommate) told Esme that she heard you crying in the night the defender decided to take the problem into her own hands. It was hurting you - so it was hurting her.

"Lucy! Wait" the blonde pleaded as she saw Lucy alone. "What?" her voice wasn‘t angry or rough, it was normal yet her facial expression was stone cold. "Look, If you don‘t like me that’s fine but ignoring y/n isn‘t. It‘s her first world cup.. you should support her." Lucy didn't want a lecture so she turned around, ready to walk away. "Do you know she requested number 12 on her jersey because of you?" That statement made her stop in her track. "It was your number at the World Cup 2015. She admires you and it hurts her that you don‘t talk to her." Deep breaths, Esme, you can do it. What Esme was about to say took a lot of courage to say out loud but she knew she had to tell Lucy. "I love her, okay? I really do. She- she doesn't know that I do but I do. And I want to make her happy but she‘ll never be fully happy If you aren‘t in her life. So please.. just talk to her."

Lucy thought about Esmes words and how true they were (If someone asked her, she would never admit it). As well she talked to Jordan about them who agreed with Esme (like everybody would) and as the night went on Lucy was determined to work things out with you.

After training was finished the next day you found yourself sitting on the pitch, staring into nothing. You were exhausted. Physically and mentally.

As soon as you felt a presence beside you, you knew who it was. It was the one person you desperately wanted to talk to you. There was a silence for a few minutes. Lucy had to sort her thoughts before she could start her apology.

Esme was standing with Hempo, Chloe and Alex. Even though she knew that Alex was talking, she couldn‘t listen. She tried but her gaze kept glanzing to you. "Are they gonna make up?" Lauren asked as she saw Esme looking towards you. "I hope they do."

"I‘m so proud of you." the Barcelona player started "and i‘m sorry" she wasn‘t looking at you and you weren‘t either. You both stared straight forward. "You were a bitch" you stated. "All- all I wanted was your support" tears started to build up but you didn‘t dare to let them leave your eyes. "I know and i‘m truly sorry but you have to understand-"

"What?! What do I have to understand?! You should love me unconditionally! Not matter what," your voice started to get louder with each word.

"Stop right there! I won‘t be accused of not doing so. I was there when you had your first football match. I spent hours playing with you. I was there at every important game of yours." by now her voice was also loud. "It was me who was there every step of the way. It was me!" Well, the tears you tried not to spill were running down your cheeks faster than you liked. "Then what do I have to understand?" your voice was back quiet. Small. "I am your big sister. I need to protect you" her voice level back to normal. "Esme won‘t hurt me" you laid your head on Lucys shoulder while her arm went around your back. "I know. She‘s a good one" your gaze wandered to your love who was already looking at you with a smile on her face. "She is"

Maybe things weren‘t fully solved yet, but for the beginning it was a step in the right direction. And with the Bronze sisters back as a team and a World Cup ahead it could only get better.

—————————

[boltupbitches]

Biggest Fan - Joe Burrow One Shot

Sequel to #1 Fan

A little one-shot for Joe Burrow. I feel bad about how his season ended and, although I'm glad my Steelers won tonight, I wish it was the Bengals contesting for the playoffs - not the Browns.

Anyways, this a continuation of #1 Fan with Dad!Joe and little Jordan Burrow. I do not write in the second POV, so no reader insert, Y/N stuff over here.

---

Jordan was down for a nap as he lay against his father’s chest, snuggled tight in his favorite blanket.

Joe pressed a kiss to the crown of golden blonde hair on his son’s head. He held Jordan with one arm, his other supported in a brace he was forced to wear until his wrist surgery.

Joe was tired and frustrated from the events of the last few weeks. This season alone had been one big mess and it was one of the hardest feelings being in injury reserve and watching his team do their hardest to win without him there to lead. 

He felt guilty. He felt like he let them down. He rewatched the film of that game about a dozen times since the injury. He should have been more careful. More aware of his movements and surroundings.

He stared off into space, not noticing his wife come in with two cups of hot cocoa. He was shaken from his daze as soon as he saw her bend to place the mugs on the coffee table before she gently took a seat next to him.

She smiled sweetly at him, her eyes shining in the dimmed lights above them. Joe smiled back, his eyes trained on his lover’s face, taking in the light freckles that danced across her cheeks and the roundness of her cheeks. She was remarkably beautiful to him. 

He felt so lucky to have her there. To know that even when things weren’t great outside their family, he could come home to her and be loved as just her husband Joey, not Joe Burrow the quarterback of the Cincinnati Bengals.

She gave him the greatest gift he ever received - the sleeping toddler against his chest. She moved across the country to be with him when he was drafted. She loved him through each injury and did her best to support him. She was his biggest fan outside of his parents and siblings. Only rivaling baby Jordy.

“I love you.” He murmured, his eyes never leaving hers.

She blushed and looked down for a moment, looking back at him with a twinkle in her eye. “I love you too.”

Joe shifted Jordan carefully to rest into the crevice of his shoulder so he could shift his hand and place it gently against his wife’s stomach. His heart skipped a beat as he came in contact with the small bump where Baby Burrow #2 was growing.

He blinked tears back, trying to not cry as he was overcome with feelings of love and gratitude. While the season ended for him in ways that were soul-crushing, he knew that he would be back and better than ever next season. This time with another Baby Burrow to cheer him on alongside Jordy and his wife.

[doylldonmagar]

It's Jordie's name actually Jordan or is that just the common fic choice?

(I'm actually looking for answers. I can't find it anywhere)

[zepuckinghockey]

NHL Wedding Season 2024

We're back again for another summer of NHL weddings! If you'd like to see last year's, check out this post.

If you see something wrong or someone missing, let me know! I'll continue to update this list until September when the weddings fizzle out. I appreciate the replies, reblogs, and asks with corrections and additions ❤️

6/7/24: Adam Larsson: (private wedding, no idea)

6/19/24: Jake Evans: Brendan Gallagher, Joel Edmundson, Tyler Toffoli, Nick Suzuki, Joel Armia

6/22/24: Max Jones: Trevor Zegras, Jacob Bryson

6/26/24: Adam Fox: (looked to be just family)

Josh Anderson: Nick Suzuki, Max Domi, Nick Foligno, Seth Jones, Cam Atkinson, Scott Hartnell

6/29/24: Ryan Pulock: Matt Martin, Noah Dobson, Casey Cizikas, Oliver Wahlstrom, Adam Pelech, JG Pageau, Josh Bailey, Mat Barzal, Anthony Beauvillier, Cal Clutterbuck, Bo Horvat, Simon Holmstrom, Pierre Engvall, Mikey Reilly

Jake Oettinger: Mason Marchment, Tyler Seguin, Ty Dellandrea, Wyatt Johnston

7/3/24: Mason Marchment: Jake Oettinger, Tyler Seguin, Ty Dellandrea, Brandon Montour, Mike Carcone, Owen Tippett, Sam Reinhart

7/6/24: Nic Hague: Cody Glass, Owen Tippett, Zach Whitecloud, Alec Martinez, Shea Theodore, William Karlsson, Keegan Kolesar, Nic Roy

Brendan Gallagher: Cole Caufield, Nick Suzuki, Carey Price, Jeff Petry, Chris Wideman, Tanner Pearson, Nate Thompson, Philip Danault, Christian Dvorak, Jake Evans, Sam Montembeault

7/7/24: Adam Fox 2.0: Ryan Reaves, Kevin Rooney, Will Cuylle, Vincent Trocheck, Jacob Trouba, Barclay Goodrow, Alexis Lafreniere, Blake Wheeler, Jimmy Vesey, Jonathan Quick, Ryan Lindgren, Braden Schneider, Sammy Blais, Ryan Donato, John Marino

7/10/24: Elias Lindstrom: (haven't seen any NHL guests)

7/11/24: Jared McCann: Jordan Eberle, Yanni Gourde, Vince Dunn, Jamie Oleksiak, Jaden Schwartz, Matty Beniers, Will Borgen, Kailer Yamamoto, Justin Schultz, Andre Burakovsky, Ryan Donato, Darnell Nurse, Brandon Tanev

7/13/24: Jack Campbell: Tyler Toffoli, Jake Muzzin, Kyle Clifford, Evander Kane

Alex Carrier: Frederick Gaudreau, Mathieu Joseph, Jimmy Oligny

Pierre Engvall: Simon Holmstrom, Owen Wahlstrom

Andrew Mangiapane: Johnny Gaudreau, Rasmus Andersson, Mikael Backlund, Noah Hanifin, Erik Gudbranson, Mack Weegar, Troy Stecher, Jonathan Huberdeau

Kyle Connor: Zach Werenski, Evgeny Svechnikov, Connor Hellebuyck, Tony Calderone

Eetu Luostarinen: Niko Mikkola, Lundell Anton, Aleksander Barkov

Tyler Madden: Alec Turcotte, Akil Thomas

Zack MacEwen: (haven't seen any NHL guests)

7/18/24: William Carrier: Mathieu Joseph

7/19/24: Kaapo Kahkonen: (haven't seen any NHL guests)

7/20/24: Jamie Benn: Tyler Seguin, Joe Pavelski, Jordie Benn, Jason Robertson, Roope Hintz, Joel Kiviranta, Miro Heiskanen, Esa Lundell, Ben Bishop, Luke Glendenning, Ty Dellandrea, John Klingberg

Alex Killorn: Yanni Gourde, Pat Maroon, Brandon Hagel, Nikita Kucherov, Victor Hedman, Zach Bogosian, Anthony Cirelli, Luke Schenn, Ryan McDonagh, Tyler Johnson, Blaine Gabbert, Cam Brate, Andrei Vasilevskiy

Thomas Chabot: Josh Norris, Brady Tkachuk, Tim Stutzle, Mathieu Joseph

Sebastian Aho: Teuvo Teräväinen, Jesperi Kotkaniemi, Seth Jarvis, Antti Raanta, Nino Niederreiter, Jesper Fast, Jani Hakanpaa

7/22/24: Michael Bunting: Mitch Marner, Auston Matthews, John Tavares, Jake Muzzin, Morgan Reilly, Fred Anderson, Wayne Simmons, Alex Kerfoot, TJ Brodie, Kyle Clifford

7/26/24: Jake Lucchini: (haven't seen any NHL guests)

7/27/24: Connor McDavid: Leon Draisaitl, Darnell Nurse, Zach Hyman, Evander Kane, Cody Ceci, Evan Bouchard, Vinny Desharnais, Brett KUlak, Connor Brown, Ryan Mcleod, Derek Ryan, Stuart Skinner, Philip Broberg, Warren Foegele, Devin Shore, Kyle Turris, Luke Gazdic, Zack Kassian, Patrick Maroon, Sam Gagner

Carter Verhaeghe: Matthew Tkachuk, Aaron Ekblad, Evan Rodrigues, Stolarz, Ryan Lomberg, Nick Cousins

8/3/24: Travis Sanheim: Travis Konecny, Scott Laughton, Shayne Gostisbehere, Joel Farabee, Morgan Frost, Tyson Foerster, James Van Riemsdyk

Connor Ingram: (haven't seen any NHL guests)

Cody Glass: (haven't seen any NHL guests)

8/4/24: David Pastrnak: Taylor Hall, Tukka Rask, Patrice Bergeron, Brad Marchand, Zdeno Chara, Charlie Coyle, Hampus Lindholm, Jeremy Swayman, Linus Ullmark, Torey Krug, David Krecji

8/9/24: Alex Tuch: Shea Theodore, Zemgus Girgensons, Tage Thompson

8/10/24: Tyler Johnson: Yanni Gourde, Ondrej Palat, Mathieu Joseph, Ryan McDonagh, Alex Killorn, Pat Maroon, Reese Johnson, Adam Gaudette

8/17/24: Cale Makar: Gabe Landeskog, Nathan MacKinnon, Erik Johnson, Bo Byram, Darren Helm, Andrew Cogliano, Josh Manson, Kurtis Macdermid

Zachary Sanford: (haven't seen any NHL guests)

Mike Amadio: Zach Whitecloud, Ben Hutton, Brett Howden, Nic Hague, Nic Roy

Andrew Copp: JT Compher, Tyson Jost

Ryan Johansen: Colton Sissons, Luke Kunin, Roman Josi, Matt Duchene, Dante Fabbro, Cam Atkinson, Ross Colton, Miles Wood

8/23/24:

Roope Hintz: Tyler Seguin, Esa Lundell, Patrik Laine,

[gay4abby]

Scents Shared !!

or in which you and jordan walk around the candle store smelling candles.

warnings, nooone, just holiday fluff. pairings, jordan li x reader. something very short n sweet while i try to finish my other requests lol i hope u like it :)

The holiday season was something every obtuse bastard was anticipating as soon as a new year starts. Decorations littered from doorstep to doorstep, street after street (causing even more pollution than it already fucking is, like am I right?) that would have undoubtedly fed an entire town. However, the holidays aren’t the same for Supes. Many of them are either estranged from their families, killed them, or are in constant arguments so celebrating it wouldn’t even make sense. There’s many more things at play, but you get the gist.

Regardless of how it goes for other Supes, Jordan’s family never fails to make it a big ass deal. You have already met Jordan’s parents and although you were very skeptical, they warmed up to you rather quickly. Jordan themself was even surprised at how much they liked, no loved you. Always asking about your wellbeing whenever they call Jordan. “You might as well replace me for their eldest child, honestly.” They once told you when you both were visiting their parents for spring break. You told them to shut up.

With Christmas being around the corner, you both found yourselves roped into a family holiday. You didn’t mind tagging along as you didn’t really celebrate Christmas with your own folks and Jordan’s family always made it feel like a fucking Hallmark movie. I mean, come on who wouldn’t want to experience a Christmas like that? What made spending Christmas with their family better than their siblings. You knew Jordan was the oldest and you always watched him interact with his siblings in the most loving way. It always made your heart warm.

You both were walking around aimlessly hand in hand and in one of the shops at the resort Jordan’s family and you are staying at. After being with them for a total of 48 hours, you both needed some reprieve and alone time. As nice as it was a break was desperately needed. “Look at this. Snow scented candle?” You reached your hand out to waft the smell up Jordan’s nose, expression neutral. “It actually smells like snow, holy shit. How the fuck?”

“I know!” You were in disbelief at the way they managed to capture the smell into a candle. A fucking candle. You shook your head setting it down with a wide grin. It was exciting for the both of you to have this time together, it was so simple yet the intensity of the intimacy was incredible. You felt them swing your intertwined hands as they stood off to the other side picking up another candle for you to smell. “This is snickerdoodle scented,” they raised the candle to your nose after smelling it. Your eyes grew wide as you looked at them, biting your bottom lip to contain your excitement. “We have to get that. Do you know how good it’ll smell in your dorm? Jordy, I’d never leave. Do you understand me?”

Jordan looked at you with love filling their eyes, their free hand reaching out to pinch your cheek. They chuckled slightly placing the candle in the basket that was settled on the ground between the two of you. “Like I’d ever want you to leave. Is it okay if I keep you hostage when we get back to campus?”

“Oh, absolutely. I am as willing as Homelander was when he dated that nazi,” you paused looking at Jordan for a second before you both busted out laughing. “Was he willing, though?” They asked you as they pulled your arm through theirs to continue walking after picking up the basket. “I mean, they kinda had the same idealism? Right?”

“He’s a prick, I wouldn’t be surprised.” You laughed, shaking your head slightly. “Prick is nicely putting it for him.”

“Why are we talking about Homeasshole, we have to focus on the candles!”

“You’re the one that fucking brought him up!”

“As a simile! Granted a terrible one, but similar.” Jordan, completely disregarding what you say, pulls you over to the fruity scented candles, “You know how much I love mango.”

“I don’t think that’s a very Christmas-y scent,” you were sent a deadly glare, “but what do I know, right?” You said with a nervous laughter as you grabbed it from their hand to smell it. It was pleasant on your nose, rendering you to take another sniff. Without saying anything, you take the candle and place it into the basket. Jordan only eyed you with those big brown chocolate drops before pulling you along again. “What about plug ins? We can get the same scents and it’ll be like an inception.”

“I like the way you think. We’ll get those after the candles.”

“Can we get peppermint? I think I’d really like some peppermint candles.” You inquired as Jordan pulled three candles from the shelf, one being peppermint, another being sandalwood and the last being nutmeg with apple. “Hm, this one smells good.” They hold out for you to smell the nutmeg with apple, you immediately nodding. “We should get all of those and let’s add vanilla for the cliché.”

Jordan picked up a vanilla scented candle quickly depositing it into the basket before linking arms with you again. They felt their pocket vibrate, a loud groan emitting from their mouth. Pulling it out, they checked to see who it was that was cutting into their alone time, annoying them even more when they saw it was their mom. “My mom’s calling.”

“Tell her I said hello!”

“Babe, you saw her not five fucking hours ago?”

“So what! Just tell her I said fucking hi, jeez!” You both huffed, you immediately walking away to find other candles while Jordan spoke with their mom. Your heart filled with such joy at the moment. It was like having an out of body experience where you’re watching a very nostalgic moment happen before you, it feels right to be there and there’s been a longing for it to happen. You didn’t know what to name it, but you don’t think you have to.

The moment continued even when Jordan came up to you and said you guys have to hurry up since the annual hockey game was beginning and even if you’re sitting out, Jordan wanted you to be there to be their little cheerleader. “What other scents did you get?”

“Oh! This one’s called moonstruck, which is like a combo of like burning wood and cranberry. Then I found coconut and orange. I’m pretty excited about this one. Next is sugar cookies! I know you’ll love this one.”

“Oh my fucking god, give me!”

“It’s yours, baby. Don’t worry I picked up two for you.”

“Did I ever mention how much I love you today?”

“No, but make it more poetic.”

“You are the blood that runs through my veins, the compound v that keeps me going and my safe haven when all is lost in the world.”

“I love you.”

You both giggled like school girls before walking off to the plug in’s section to get matching scents for your candles before paying then heading on home.

[spatialwave]

what pet names do you think jordan would use for marie? and how would they come up for the first time?

omg, firstly — jordan li is an avid enjoyer of pet names, alright? you can’t convince me otherwise. especially when it’s just them and marie. they usually try their best not to let the names slip in public, solely because luke and andre tease them relentlessly about it.

(marie doesn’t often use them back, i like to think she calls jordan “jord” or "jordy" instead as a nickname. or if we ever find out jordan’s middle name i think she would also think it’s cute to use that one as long as it’s relatively unisex.)

—

“babe” and “baby”

this pet name started out kinda (very) sexually. it slipped out when they were having sex, in the heat of the moment — “don’t stop, baby.”

marie definitely didn’t stop because who the hell would stop when jordan li was calling you baby??

after that it just kept happening and there was no stopping jordan. when it was just the two of them, the name ‘marie’ didn’t exist.

jordan especially likes using it when they’re grouchy and asking for something — a pout of “babe” usually tugs at marie’s heartstrings.

“love”

this was also accidental but in the sweetest way possible!

the two of them were doing something very domestic, like going shopping or cleaning up together — they're in a serious relationship now.

jordan bumped into marie by accident, "sorry, love," they whispered with a soft touch to the small of her back, the words falling so sweetly, and easily, off of their lips. marie took a second glance at them when she heard it, but they didn't react in any other form and she didn't bring it up.

it was sweet — their new normal.

[slasherscream]

GASP WAIT.... you and Jordan li, and you're just fwb, and Jordan is trying so hard to keep you at a distance, but they're down bad for you, but... you've only ever fucked in boy form so they assume you're only interested in them like that. You've never said anything so it's obvious, right? so they take what they can get. Which is only half. And they keep you at a distance because it hurts. But they still want you so bad they can't breathe half the time.

MEANWHILE you think they don't like YOU in girl form. Or at all, in a romantic sense. They're your best friend. You guys fuck. But jordan goes after the things they want. If they wanted you, they would have told you, right? So you read between the lines. You get the message.

But i just saw that one scene from perks of being a wall flower.... cate dares you to kiss the prettiest girl in the room.

You look at all these other girls that could never hope to be fucking Jordan li. So you get up. The room starts cheering. You're walking over to Jordan, who is scowling and looking at a wall because they don't want to see this shit at ALL (you don't even fucking like girls. Cate, why would you make her do that?) And they're in guy form, and they feel your eyes on them and jump out their skin when they look up and you're standing in front of them.

you stare down at them expectantly, fearfully, impatient. You want to rip the band aid off. You want them so bad you hate them. You want to kiss her just fucking once. You want everything Jordan is, even if it's for ten seconds at a shitty college party that smells like alcohol and weed and sweat.

"Well? You gonna let me kiss the prettiest girl here or what, Jordie?"

[poppy-metal]

HELP me because upperclassman jordan pleasure dom jordan pinning you down to their bed n they're staring down at you, the rapid rise and fall of your chest, doe eyes blinking up at them. the filthy little whimper that escapes you when they capture your mouth w their own. the way it sends heat pooling low in their belly.

nd you're squirming, hips shifting against the bed--desperate for friction, anything—n when your clit rubs against jordan's thigh through the fabric of your shorts you gasp, back arching off the bed, and they can't hold in the dark chuckle that leaves their mouth. "what's wrong, baby?" and and and how are you supposed to respond when they make your head all fuzzy n blank. "d'nno, jordie." and they rub soft circles into your waist, the intention soothing, but their warm hand against your bare skin prolly only makes the throbbing in your cunt worse :(

"'s okay, baby. can you tell me what you need?" and it's so uncharacteristically soft coming from them you can't help but sniffle :(

"'m not sure, jus'- i don't know. want you to touch me.” and they DO no question no hesitation no joke no lie i can’t take it i can’t . will be in my notes app thinking about this in incredible depth

-🦸‍♀️ leaving for an internship tomorrow thinking abt jordan while i still can 😔🙏

i hope u know im going to need to see those note app thoughts....

stawp them being sweet on you :(( you didn't expect it because of their reputation and maybe they've been a dick to people they slept with in the past but you're different. special. they actually give a fuck about you.

just slowly unbuttoning your shorts and slipping their hand inside - "jordan -" gasping in anticipation and gripping their shoulders, the fabric of their tshirt clenched in your fists. they pause their hand immediately at your soft whimper and your hips shift up, seeking attention. "n-no, dont stop - please. please -"

"okay, baby. i got you -" and they slip their hand further down, cupping your cunt over your panties. its just the barest touch but you moan loud and long. lashes fluttering as your little pussy weeps. you're sure they can feel how damp you are. "there you go. fuck." their head dips briefly to rest on your shoulder, you feel their lips kiss your skin. "you're so fucking wet - right through your panties, god."

you bite your bottom lip as they trace the seam of your pussy over your underwear. pushing the fabric in a little, into the meat of your cunt. you're dripping you want it so bad.

"its - i-its because of you," you tell them honestly. sweet honest freshman. jordan groans into your neck and leans up, crosses their arms over their chest and yanks their shirt up and off. you have just a second to admire their bare chest, chain swinging around their neck before they're leaning back down and kissing you, feverishly.

you arch into it, into them. widen your legs when they shift between them and wrap them around their waist.

"you're a good fucking girl, freshman." they kiss all over your throat, your neck, your chest, yanking your bra down to lick over a tight little nipple. "so good with your little pussy all wet and tight for your upperclassman. gonna take such good care of you. get you all ready to take this big dick -" their pelvis aligns with yours, both of you moaning when their hard flesh meets your wet pussy through your clothes. "-yeah, you feel that? that's going inside you, baby."

it feels impossible. long and thick and hard where it presses against you. a heavy weight. but you trust jordan. you always will.

[nerdygaymormon]

Queer Gospel Music

This past year I came across several songs that I enjoy listening to on Sundays. I created a playlist for myself for Sundays and thought I'd share with y'all.

Yet : Ashley Hess - Ashley Hess was a finalist on the 2019 season of American Idol. I heard her perform this song at the Gather Conference where she introduced it by saying, "The next song that I'm gonna play is a song that I wrote in my lowest time. But it's a song that's so special to me because it was the moment that I felt like I finally came out of hiding, and that the Lord not only saw me, but loved me and embraced me." I can relate so much to that. Plus, I don't hear many songs from the perspective of "I'm trying, so God please don't give up on me."

God Loves Me Too : Brian Falduto - Brian played the gay kid in the movie School of Rock, and catapulted the character into an LGBTQ icon when he delivered the line “You’re tacky and I hate you.” Now as an adult, Brian is back and singing that no one has to earn God’s love. Brian wrote the song after visiting a church that was welcoming and accepting of queer people. I look around and see I’ve found a place where peace and love abound. I’ve waited my whole life for the truth. It is true, God loves you. It don’t matter if you’re LGBTQ

My Little Prayer : David Archuleta - David wasn't out yet when he recorded this, but I imagine he really related to some of these lyrics, such as I'm beginning to understand that you (God) have a plan for me.

The Queer Gospel : Erin McKeown - I love these lyrics. There are those who think we're wicked. There are those who call us names: depraved, lost and sick, and would rather bathe us in shame. But we put the "sin" in sincere, we put the "do" in the doubt. God is perfectly clear. We are perfectly out. Love us as we are. See us and we're holy. In this shall we ever be wholly ourselves.

Good Day (feat. Derek Webb) : Flamy Grant - Matthew Blake was a worship leader for 22 years who has become a “shame-slaying, hip-swaying, singing-songwriting drag queen” named Flamy Grant (it's a play on the name of gospel singer Amy Grant). The lyrics talk of coming back to church after having left for feeling oppressed. They’ve come back to church because despite what some say, God’s love is expansive enough for everyone. God made me good in every way, so I raise my voice to celebrate a good day. 

Believe : GENTRI - The pianist for this group is gay. After coming out, he was having a hard time with faith and was angry at God, and he felt God gave him this song as part of his healing process. Believe there is an answer. And while you feel you're buried deep in a disaster, believe more hands are waiting, ready to lift you up and carry you back to safety. You're not alone, keep holding on. And believe.

Explaining Jesus : Jordy Searcy - In 2014, Jordan was a contestant on The Voice. He grew up active in a church and since being on the television show he has written several religious songs, including this one. Jordy discusses the shortcomings of churches, comparing the ways in which church members act and interact with each other, including how they treat the gay community and oppress women. If you're gay and over 85, you've felt for your whole life that when God made you, he just messed up. In the chorus he apologizes that this has been the experience, I'm sorry no one explained Jesus to you.

Satan's Tears : Kyler O'Neal - Did anyone ask how real you are? Has anyone said that you are loved, or that you’re the one they’re dreaming of? Those questions start this beautiful song by trans woman Kyler O’Neal. The song addresses a young gender non-conforming person unaccepted by their world, and the singer promises to wipe away Satan’s tears which were created by a cruel society

Same Love : Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Mary Lambert - Macklemore sings that his gay uncles should be allowed to marry, and speaks of how Christianity has hurt gay people. "God loves all his children" is somehow forgotten, but we paraphrase a book written thirty-five hundred years ago. The song concludes with Mary Lambert singing I’m not crying on Sundays, which I think means not letting religious intolerance and churches harm us anymore

No Place in Heaven : MIKA - Mika is singing about how religion teaches there’s no place in heaven for gay people because the way we love is sinful. Father, won’t you forgive me for my sins? Father, if there’s a heaven let me in

God Is : The Outer Banks - I don't know that they had queer people in mind when they wrote the song, but the lyrics relate to the conflict between one’s queerness and relationship with God. God was never angry. God was not against me. God was never far away. God is not disappointed.

I Know it Hurts : Paul Cardall & Tyler Glenn - I just wanted to believe, but how am I supposed to believe this about me? And then we find each other, queer church members who can understand what we’re going through, who know the hurt. For most queer people, they leave church and go on a different path. They’re not lost, a faint light at the end is guiding their way, they’re finding another way back home.

Losing My Religion : R.E.M. - The song was interpreted as the struggle of a closeted gay man coming to terms with what his religion taught about gay people and is seen as an example of queer coding in the era of “don’t ask, don’t tell.” Lead singer Michael Stipe had declined to address his sexuality, so when “Losing My Religion” came out, people assumed Stipe was coming out as gay. Consider this the hint of the century. Consider this the slip.

HIM : Sam Smith - This is a song about a boy in Mississippi coming out and the conflict between his sexuality and his religious upbringing. He is grappling with the feeling that there’s no place in church for him because he’s gay. Holy Father, we need to talk. I have a secret that I can’t keep. I’m not the boy that you thought you wanted. Please don’t get angry, have faith in me.

Pray : Sam Smith - You won’t see Sam in church, but they say they’re a child of God at heart and are begging God to show the way. I’m not a saint, I’m more of a sinner. I don’t wanna lose, but I fear for the winners

Faith : Semler -  This song reached No. 1 on the iTunes Christian music chart and is about growing up queer in a faith community and how the rejection by the church left them scarred. When my religion turned against me, they said my hopes and dreams were faulty. I showed these holes inside my hands, and they claimed they couldn’t see.” Even as they struggled with the church, Semler kept a relationship with Jesus and flourished far more than she did in any church building. But I don’t wanna get small to be in those rooms

Hey Jesus : Trey Pearson - Trey made headlines in 2016 when as the lead singer of the Christian rock band Everyday Sunday, he came out as gay. Three years later and Trey has a question: Hey Jesus can you hear me now? It's been awhile since I came out, I was wonderin' do you love me the same? As a person who struggles to reconcile faith with sexual orientation, I find this song quite moving.

Heaven : Troye Sivan feat. Betty Who - Troye sings about what it’s like for a religious teenager to come out as gay. Without losing a piece of me, how do I get to heaven? Without changing a part of me, how do I get to heaven? All my time is wasted, feeling like my heart’s mistaken, oh, so if I’m losing a piece of me, maybe I don’t want heaven? Troye explains “When I first started to realise that I might be gay, I had to ask myself all these questions—these really really terrifying questions. Am I ever going to find someone? Am I ever going to be able to have a family? If there is a God, does that God hate? If there is a heaven, am I ever going to make it to heaven?” The video features footage from LGBTQ+ protests throughout history.

Revelation : Troye Sivan and Jónsi -This song was written for the movie Boy Erased, which is about a young man being sent by his parents to a conversion therapy camp to try to change him to not be gay. The lyrics are about feeling liberated from the toxic teachings he learned at church about LGBTQ+ people. It’s a revelation. There’s no hell in what I’ve found, and no kingdom shout. How the tides are changing as you liberate me now and the walls come down. In other words, God doesn't condemn me for my queerness.

Orphans of God : Ty Herndon & Kristin Chenoweth feat. Paul Cardall - The message of the song is we are all loved by God, we are all thought about, we are all created equally and God loves us all the same.

Midnight : Tyler Glenn - The Neon Trees frontman gives an emotional song about his departure from the Mormon church but not from God. The ballad is accompanied by a video that shows Glenn removing his religious garments and replacing them with a glittery jacket, which is such a powerful metaphor.