#PHYSICALLY FORCING MYSELF TO STOP

[leejihoonownsmyheart]

All time fav lyrics?

What Kind of Future, Woozi: (this has been in my banner foreverrrr)

“Although I don't wanna see you, I miss you. Although I hate you, I miss you. I don't understand myself so well.”

Ruthlessness, Epic: The Musical:

“The line between naïveté and hopefulness is almost invisible So close your heart, the world is dark and Ruthlessness is mercy.” (Although the part of this song where he sings: “you are the worst kind of good cause you’re not even great” has me SCREAMING. EVERY. TIME.

Defying Gravity, Wicked the Musical:

“Too long I've been afraid of Losing love, I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost.”

Poison, Poison, Renee Rapp

The outro is so so so so satisfying cause like yeah. Fuck everyone whose ever been a bitch to me

Happy, Lilypichu:

“What's the definition of a good friend? It's hard to tell in this mad race to the end.”

I Don’t Care, Katherine Li:

“Not supposed to be a race. It feels like that anyway. Hearing all of them complain. At least, they're feeling wanted in some way.”

[clownprince]

GUYS GUYSGUYS OH MY GOD. OHMMYGOD I JUST FIGURED SOMETHING OUT

so after joker gets hit by a train solomon gives him this mysterious green liquid. i've been wondering what it was, my first though was maybe there was an undiscovered lazarus pit in the sewers or something like that. but i was rereading task force z and

it's lazarus resin!!!

maybe grundy grabbed a vial when he tackled bloom? but either way that is definitely the same type of vial and the color is similar (not identical but that's likely bc different artists/colorists!)

my running assumption has been that this line was metaphorical but it's not! it's literal!!! joker DID die when he got hit by the train but grundy brought him back with a vial of lazarus resin!

and i've been making mental connections between tfz and tmwsl the entire time but it was kinda theoretical (and still is!) but the lazarus resin thing makes my theories more plausible for sure imo

so in tfz there are clones, amelia, delia, and celia. the powers company has cloning tech. and they also have memory replacement tech!!! that's what they did with the fake bane! they tampered with his memories. the thinker says that he has cognitive profiles of metahumans but in issue 12 bloom manages to resurrect a dead corpse with the powers company resources and make it think that it's jason todd/red hood, who is definitely not a meta, so evidently they have tech to do the same for non-metas

so my theories are that either:

1. they cloned joker and implanted memories in the clone. this could maybe connect to the network plot in the joker (2021)

2. they found a very fresh corpse with a striking resemblance to joker, and then maybe gave him a nice acid bath and implanted the memories (or they found a way to do this with living people)

i think it's highly likely at this point that sewer rat undead!joker is the real joker, especially after knight terrors. so now the question is: if i'm right about this, who's behind the other (LA) joker? harvey? did bloom somehow survive? geri powers? maybe even waller? and what are they up to? is LA joker an escaped experiment or does whoever's controlling him have an agenda?

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

ohhhhmygod im gonna be sick. actually nauseous and i did it to myself - there was a spider on the countertop and i Panicked, grabbing the first distance-killer i could grab. it was a grease cleaner spray. i buried it in the stuff, walked away to recover mentally, came back

it fucking fell apart and dissolved into the cleaner. i both feel horrible and im disgusted beyond words. how the fuck do i get rid of it

[riverofrainbows]

Lately I'm hearing a lot about PDA and autism (PDA = pathological demand avoidance) and it's very good that people become more aware of it and are able to learn more about their own needs. However i often see it framed as like a type of autism, as in PDA autism that's just this thing that happens randomly.

But it isn't just a flavour of autism or something that comes from who-knows-what, it's a trauma response. To having forced yourself to do so much shit that goes against your needs, to feeling like you have to/having to force yourself to do things that go over your capacity, that disregard your needs and do harm to you. Including things where people don't even know their own needs and can't communicate them.

It's a trauma response caused by a lack of autonomy and accommodations (from yourself for whatever reason and your environment). To the point where having to do anything, hearing any demand causes this message of doom to your nervous system

And there is a very simple but not easy solution to it, with the potential of even a cure: Do not force yourself to do anything until your nervous system has healed. Now this is very hard to be able to do, which is the difficult part, because most of us aren't in an environment where we can do that, often have to work etc to survive and don't have people support us for a few years while we do not acquiesce to any demand. Additionally, many of us don't even know how to honor our needs because we trampled all over them for years, were forced to mask them and might not even know what they are or how to recognise them in ourselves.

A possible way to at least some healing of our nervous system is getting to know our needs and working on meeting them better, to try and build down the mask and only conciously use it where necessary but for example not at home or in a safe space, and try to have as many safe spaces to unmask as possible. You might only be able to start while completely alone but even that helps. Another point is decomposition time, soup time as i call it. Where we take however much time we have available, preferably at least a couple days, whenever we can, and do not force ourselves to do anything, even hobbies or getting out of pyjamas, except staying alive, and just drift like driftwood. This also massively helps with autistic burnout.

One additional tipp to recognising our suppressed needs and wants is that when you think "Oh i want this" but immediately shut yourself down: try to recognise this happening and ask yourself "Why can't i do this?" and if you don't have a good reason why not, try doing the thing you want. Might be something as simple as a juice packet or be some leftover rule from childhood. Similar for "I don't look forward to that": if you don't have a reason why you have to do it, and do it exactly this way, consider not doing it. For example you don't have to go to an outing you are very uncomfortable at. You don't have to do the dishes a certain way even tho it's awful sensory wise. Try finding those small impulses and listening to them. It gets easier over time.

This PDA trauma response is also one of the factors of executive dysfunction. Especially for things like when we can't even do our own hobbies or plans we had that we enjoy. Other reasons for executive dysfunction are difficulty transition tasks, sensory issues that make us avoid a task, pending decisions related to the tasks, unknown elements of a task, or not wanting to interrupt the current activity such as listening to music or watching a show (especially since these are big tools for escapism and distraction/coping to keep emotional distress at bay or otherwise aid in emotional regulation).

Btw this whole essay is built on my own experiences, i am not a psychologist or professionally qualified in some other way. So do take this with some critical thinking as my sources are "it's in my head" and we should never take (mental) health advice on the internet without thinking about whether it makes sense and applies to us, and do additional research if any questions or doubts or further thoughts come up.

[kakusu-shipping]

They are Shota4Shota4Shota to me

[tvrningout]

alrighty, so we've now got muse lists based on genre/fandom!! so dorverold muses, slice of life muses, and kny muses! chiyo will still be the main muse of the blog, but i think this set-up will be a little easier to navigate based on interest. at this point, i'm just not going to offer anyone whose muse is near non-existent ( even as a " test muse " ), so you can safely request anyone and everyone i've currently listed <3 i'll edit the pinned post and blog navi soon, and pls ignore the fact that i haven't written chiyo's kny verse description asdfg it's coming!!

[soldier-poet-king]

Things I used to hate and/or fear: driving at high speeds, working out esp lifting

Things currently keeping me sane: scream-singing alone in the car on the highway going fast, strenuous physical activity until every single piece of my body hurts and I'm too physically exhausted for my brain to overthink

[gregmarriage]

i may know it’s healthy to interact with people and be social, but that doesn’t mean i find it easy in any way

[kingdomoftyto]

...BIG FEELS AND BIG PLOT DEVELOPMENTS AT THE END OF THAT BOOK, HUH

[dreaminginmysoup]

[TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES PLEASE STAND BY]

[hiimbloblos]

he aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-- <- a piece of bread fell on my keyboard and I tried to take it out

[mrfoox]

I wish there was one person I could apologize to and be rid of all my guilt. Unfortunately I could apologize my existence to God and still walk away with shame and guilt about it /:

[catboywizard]

anyone wanna give me $60 to purchase the best thing to ever exist?

[izzy-b-hands]

i cannot wait for the next few days off of work so i can try and unfuck my sleep schedule even a little

[slippery-minghus]

thinking about joining a local jiu jitsu class.... i'm SO not athletic and have always had a pretty negative relationship with sports, ambivalent at best, but i WANT TO feel good in my body and maybe even learn how to use it a little better? maybe even get a little stronger?

there's a free "see if it's for you" class i can do tomorrow and the guy was super nice.... so maybe. just maybe an autistic fat queer like myself can go out in the world and get a hobby that involves moving my body. maybe

[i-like-gay-books]

long post so i GUESS i’ll put it under the cut

so i’ve been really reflecting lately on my self diagnosis of autism, especially since i’ve been really coming into myself and managing my anxiety better than ever before, and ive been wondering whether it might be that the symptoms i thought were attached to being autistic are just how anxiety manifests in me and the things about myself that i thought proved that i dont have adhd in any way may also just be how anxiety manifests in me. because also even though ive really related with autism and the social symptoms, i’ve never really been sure i have sensory processing issues, at least not to the extent that the dsm specifies in order to be autistic. and what i really HAVE related to is the inability to just sit down and get shit done. so i took another self assessment with this clearer knowledge i have of myself and how i really function as a human being when im on my own and living as an adult and

the only ones that arent high levels are literally the ones that i can directly pinpoint as one of my biggest concerns with my anxiety. impulsivity is the one that makes adhders more likely to butt into conversations or keep going on for a long time or make decisions and later regret them. as you may have noticed i am particularly long winded when im typing, but is that true of me in real life? like at all? not really. i struggle to get two words out sometimes. i was selectively mute in my childhood. i can say for a fact that the reason for this in my hyper-awareness of the potential of making a faux pas or embarrassing myself in social situations. and i have decision paralysis due to the same phenomenon. im very aware of the potential of disappointing other people if i make a bad decision. im not sure if impulsivity would manifest itself in the “typical” adhd way if my anxiety wasn’t there, but i have no way of ever knowing that because it is.

and forgetfulness. i beat that shit out of myself when i was younger. i can clearly remember a time in elementary school, then in middle school, then in high school (before i started writing sticky notes for myself) when i would get myself in trouble just simply because of forgetting about assignments. my family is very academically oriented. my parents wouldnt be SUPER mad at me if i was trying my best and didnt get good grades, but i knew they would be disappointed if i didnt try my best. i have so many systems in place so as to never ever forget about schoolwork any more. you have no clue how revolutionary it is for me that college professors actually put all of the assignments for the semester of the syllabus. one of my biggest gripes about high school was that the teachers would just assign homework seemingly at random? it was easy to forget if you werent writing it all down, ok? and for appointments? same deal. my parents kind of took care of the remembering appointments part before i got older and by now i do have these systems in place for myself. i do often forget to make calls, mostly because i dont make a point of writing it down as a task for myself because making calls gives me anxiety. yeah.

also i sat here and took this assessment and wrote all of this instead of working on my 2000 word midterm paper due next tuesday for which i have exactly one sentence written. listen, procrastination is a universal trait, but i just felt like it was relevant.