#Radek and Rodney are very surprised

[twotales]

I like to imagine that after “The Game” Evan, John, Radek, and Rodney started playing table top games together.

[sga-owns-my-soul]

🤝🏻🌻🎶 Fics are up to youuuuu!

WIP Wednesday!

some of these are very loosely interpreted but that's okay!

🤝 - human conncetion! something we all strive for, from my Miller's Crossing AU:

"John? How are you doing?" Teyla asked softly.

He knew it was just how she was. Teyla always reached out for connection; checking in on everyone around her was just second nature. But John couldn't take it.

"He's gone, Teyla. How the fuck do you think I'm doing?" John wanted his words to cut Teyla as much as her words cut him, but he didn't have anything left in him. He just sounded broken. He wasn't sure he wasn't.

"I'm sorry John. I know how much he meant to you, how much you loved him."

"Means," John replied, straining to say the words. Teyla raised an eyebrow.

"I'm sorry?"

"How much he means to me, how much I love him. It's not- everyone keeps using the past tense when they talk to me, as if... as if Rodney dying means my love for him died, like I stopped caring just because he's gone. He's- god, Teyla, Rodney owns my heart, it'll always belong to him. I wouldn't even know how to stop loving him if I wanted to."

Teyla gave him a sad smile, nodding at him softly.

"Of course, I never meant to imply your love for him was gone."

🌻 - flowers! this one was easy and very sad, also from my Millers Crossing AU:

The funeral had a bigger turnout than John thought it would.

Not that John didn't think people would mourn, John didn't bat an eye when almost 2/3 of the expedition requested to return to Earth for the service. But he was surprised how many members of the science community showed up. Being in another galaxy for 4 years and working on classified government projects for even longer makes it hard to stay relevant in some communities.

John wondered if Rodney would feel smug or insulted at all the flowers.

The service went about as well as John was expecting. He gave Rodney's eulogy, boasting about every last one of Rodney's strengths, mentioning none of his flaws, and ending with a note about the very true story of how he died saving a boatful of children. He surprised himself by getting through the entire thing with only a single voice crack.

🎶 - this is VERY loosely interpreted as a wake up call, from my Team Is Everything fic:

When Rodney woke again, it was to a familiar Czech accent.

“-itself caused the anomaly. It would account for the power spike I detected in his quarters right before.”

Rodney let out an annoyed grumble.

“Hey, you with us buddy?” John asked, and Rodney felt a hand on his arm. He begrudgingly opened his eyes, glaring at John without any actual heat.

“Yes yes, I’m awake. What anomaly? What power spike are you talking about Radek?” Rodney asked. Radek gave a look to John, who nodded. Radek turned to Rodney.

[wonkyelk]

Directors cut of any of your cat rodney fics! 💜 please?

Thanks very much for the ask, this was a lot of fun to revisit. Have never done a director’s commentary before, so hope this is the right sort of thing.

Have opted for the first one, “A cat may look at a particle accelerator” - fic and commentary under the cut. If you just want the notes, skip to everything in italics.

So, this whole series was entirely @massharp1971’s fault. 

We got into a conversation in the comments of another fic (In which Rodney is not a princess and John works through a few things) in which we agreed that Rodney was, in essence a cat. They then pointed me in the direction of the Pallas cat, who was so quintessentially Rodney that I broke off what I was writing and jumped fully on board the Cat!Rodney train:

“I knew it! I knew there was Ancient tech here! McKay is going to go green…”

“Yeah, yeah, Langstrom, but save the victory dance for now. Just remember the golden rule is don’t…”

[Langstrom is a name plucked from the Quarantine episode of Red Dwarf - for no particular reason, except that Red Dwarf was my childhood and I love that episode in particular. Plus, she’s a great creepy villain, who undergoes a transformation of sorts, so there is a tenuous link.]

VSWOOSH!

[It took far, far too long to work out how to spell ‘Vswoosh!’]

“… touch anything.”

———

“Sergeant Holly, you weren’t due back for another three hours. Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine, Ma’am.” Pause. “Well, mostly fine.” Pause. “It’s not fine.”

“Sergeant. What’s in the bucket?”

“It’s more of a ‘who’s in the bucket’ really, Ma’am.”

Pause.

“I see.”

Tap.

“Dr McKay? We’re going to need the Rehumanator.”

[The name was intended to give off fifties style Mad Scientist vibes. Every sci fi adventurer needs this particular bit of kit and, honestly, it’s surprising that it doesn’t come as standard]

——-

Rodney stalked up and down the lab as Zelenka readied the cumbersome ray for use. If he’d had a tail, it would have been lashing with angry fervour.

[I wanted from the start to make Rodney an actual cat, who had - for practical reasons, mostly thumb-based - transformed himself into a human, rather than have him discover his inner cat through some form of Pegasus Standard Malarkey. Hence a bit of heavy foreshadowing.]

“…how many times do we have to go over the most basic safety protocols? I mean, three penguins, two mountain lions and a gerbil wasn’t enough? And who the hell gets themselves turned into Bouillabaisse soup?”

[this is a direct nod to the large number of - generally excellent - transformation fics in the fandom, though only the penguins are referencing stories that I knew existed. There may well be a gerbil Radek or Rodney or Teyla out there and I’m sure the world would be a better place for it.

Bouillabaisse Soup is there, by the way, because it’s just fun to say (not so much to type)]

John rested a placating hand on Rodney’s shoulder.

“You did catch all the drips, did you, Sergeant?”

“Sir, yes, sir!”

“Hmm. He does smell more pleasant than the mountain lions, at least.” Rodney inhaled from the bucket with a slightly dreamy expression.

“Er, Doc, can I humbly request that you don’t eat Dr Langstrom?”

As Rodney raised his hackles to full and started savaging Sergeant Holly for such an infamous suggestion - while casting the occasional longing look at the bucket - Zelenka stepped in with a hasty wave.

[more cat anvils being lobbed at you]

“Rehumanator is fully charged and ready.”

Rodney rolled his eyes so far, they went all the way round and came back again.

“Honestly, Radek, I expect this sort of thing from the grunts and soft scientists, but you, of all people, should know better. It’s not a Rehumanator, it’s an original DNA restoration device…”

“A factory reset.” John put in, mostly to watch Rodney go purple.

“Yes, yes, if you must reduce complex scientific principles to the most banal possible description.”

“I really must.”

[this is one of the most fun dynamics they have, when Rodney is being precise and wordy and John just cuts it down to essentials, with a huge smug smirk. Honestly, Rodney might just win in a smug-off, but John would be close]

Rodney glared at John. John smirked back. Radek carefully walked around them, so as not to get hit by a stray bolt of sexual tension. The last time that had happened, he hadn’t left his quarters for a week.

But what a week.

[I swear, this sort of thing actually happens in the show. Extras and side characters were constantly being hauled off the set with Sexual Chemistry-Related Shrapnel Damage]

“Perhaps we should restore Dr Langstrom now, Rodney? Unless you feel that he has not yet exhausted all the possibilities inherent in being soup?”

Rodney tore his gaze reluctantly from John’s and nodded impatiently.

“Yes, yes, of course. Do the thing.” He waved his hand at the ray and backed swiftly away from the bucket.

Zelenka aimed and fired.

VSWOOSH!

“Ouch.”

It turned out that scientists and buckets, in combination, could bond with more of a tenacity than one might imagine, when picturing them separately. Two Marines held the bucket, while Rodney and John took one arm each and began to heave.

In hindsight, Zelenka should not have leaned down over the Rehumanator to get a better view of his boss’s contraband, but inarguably excellent, ass, with muscles all nicely taut in the act of straining.

[There is an SGA Fiction Law which states that any fic containing more than a few sentences of Rodney McKay, must also contain due reverence towards his ass. This is just me complying with the law]

VSWOOSH!

“Sorry, sorry, my elbow slipped. But, is fine it should not do harm unless… ah. Now that is unexpected.”

The marines and John looked down at themselves, relieved to be in one piece. But sitting on the floor, with a glare like a rabid tiger, was the angriest, fluffiest grey cat they had ever seen.

[if you haven’t seen a Pallas cat, go look one up now. It will warm your heart and also glare at you, like you just ate its kittens]

———

“So let me get this straight. It wasn’t a malfunction with the Rehumanator?”

“No, no, was working perfectly. But, as Rodney explained,” Radek gave a nervous glance to the cat on the chair next to him, who was currently portraying the world’s mightiest huff with every separate fur he possessed, “it does not actually turn you human. It merely undoes any transformation that you may have undergone.”

“So, what are you saying?” Elizabeth glanced at Rodney and then Zelenka with incredulity. “You mean that Rodney is not human? That he’s really a cat?”

Sheppard knew that couldn’t be what Zelenka was saying. Except that, no, he was saying it. In those exact words.

“I have done all diagnostics, all possibilities for error. All it did, as the Colonel so eloquently put it, was a factory reset on Rodney. Therefore,” he shrugged. “Rodney is cat.”

They all looked at Rodney. Rodney glared at all of them, before letting out a little kitty sigh, licking a paw and nodding slightly.

Sheppard blinked and turned pale. “Excuse me. I need to just… process a few things.”

[as a side note, I believe there must be at least one SGC form for accidental bestiality; though whether anyone has dared to fill it in is very doubtful]

Rodney tried to follow but he was firmly scooped up and placed - to his absolute horror and indignation - in an improvised and very secure cat basket, which all of Rodney’s science team had worked together to make, with an unusual swiftness and sense of unity.

“Sorry, Rodney, but we need to get you checked out at the infirmary.”

“Actually, Dr Weir… I believe that Dr Sanders has a degree in veterinary science…”

The very secure cat basket proved to fold like so much tissue paper, in the face of the lashing of vengeful claws.

———

“Carson, could you be on the alert for three scientists and two marines headed your way with multiple lacerations, bites and one severe fur allergy?”

———

“Atlantis General Notice: Should anyone spot a largish, extremely fluffy cat in your vicinity, please report it immediately. Do not, repeat, do not, approach the animal or attempt to capture it. Nor, and this is very important, should you make kissy faces at the cat or use phrases like ‘Here Tiddles!’ or ‘Who’s a little cutie pie, then?’. The infirmary is rapidly running out of bandaids.”

[I ran through several alternate cutesie cat names (which I can’t remember now but probably were along the lines of FluffyBoots or Snugglekins) but ultimately ‘Tiddles’ had just the right quality of banality and depressing indignity]

——-

“Atlantis General Notice: Colonel Sheppard has asked me to also point out that the cat should not be harmed in any way. Or, I quote, “if anyone harms so much as a whisker on his angry little face, they will spend the rest of their lives, and afterlives, regretting that they were ever born.”

[Sheppard will, naturally, protect Rodney under any circumstances and as any species, no matter the cost - and, frankly, I think he enjoys being just that much of an ethically flexible badass] 

——-

“Atlantis General Notice: Seriously, stop it with the pet names. We’re now down to two Spiderman bandaids and a roll of sellotape.

[the author does not recommend that you tend your wounds with sellotape and refuses to be held responsible for any subsequent physical and emotional distress consequent on trying]

———

Sightings of Rodney ceased after less than a day. It wasn’t until two days later that he returned: bipedal, distinctly less fluffy and wearing an improvised toga made of bedlinen.

Elizabeth allowed him to retrieve a uniform before the debriefing.

“So, I think you can understand that we have some questions…”

Rodney scowled, his expression so like his cat self that, for a moment, the whole Command staff thought he had reverted and backed off about a foot.

“Okay, look. Yes, I was born a cat. Obviously. And I would go so far as to say that I was a very good cat. For about six months, I lived a happy, catly life, deducing natural laws from first principles, studying the stars and enjoying the benefits of an incredibly flexible tongue and spine. Until I realised that, for all my incredible intellect, the stupid prejudices and species-centricity of humanity was going to make it impossible for me to ever win a Nobel prize.

So, I worked for weeks on my own personal transformation ray, which, let me tell you, was no picnic with paws. But, you know,“ Rodney preened smugly, “genius.”

[or, in other words, the author couldn’t really think of a method of complex DNA-shuffling machine-construction by a kitten and used the ‘get out of explanations free card]

He leaned back on the chair, absently lifting his hand to his mouth then hastily lowering it, just before it met his gently poking tongue.

“Anyway. I was still pretty young, from a human perspective, at that point, so I smuggled myself to Canada, got adopted and threw all of my energy and time into science. And also, quite a lot of batting at scrunched up paper for the first two years, but some habits are hard to shake.”

[I considered whether to make Jeannie a cat too, but ultimately decided to just go simple. At this point in the series, at least, therefore, she doesn’t realise that her brother is actually a cat. I don’t know whether Rodney’s been brave enough to risk that conversation since]

Rodney crossed his arms and scowled fiercely at everyone.

“So, how did you turn back?” Sheppard asked.

Rodney sighed.

“Apparently you weren’t listening. I built a transformation ray at the age of six months. And that was with the drawback of the lack of materials to be found on the rocky steppes of my birthplace. You would not believe how hard it was to source a DNA reconstituting module… well, anyway. Short answer, I’m a genius and Atlantis is chock full of weird stuff. The only reason it took me so long was that it’s also surprisingly full of string and… well, that’s not important either.”

[the birth of Cat!Rodney’s fascination with string, which all cats I have known have been greatly enamoured with and scientists are rather keen on in general too]

“So, are you planning on staying as a human, now?”

Rodney waved his hand vaguely. “Yes, yes. It was… not wholly unpleasant to connect with my roots, but the lack of opposable thumbs and intelligible speech would always be a drawback. Though some of my scientists seem to manage…”

Elizabeth stepped in before he could get going on a full rant.

“Well, I’m sure that we’ll all be glad to have you back. Though, you might find that people need a little time for adjustment.”

Rodney snorted. “What’s to adjust? I’m exactly the same as I always was, except now everyone knows that my baby pictures are cuter than theirs.”

[some kind person left a link to a Pallas kitten on the last fic in the series, which should definitely be checked out if anyone doubts this]

Sheppard nodded. “Can’t argue with that.”

The meeting adjourned shortly afterwards.

——-

“So, er, Rodney…”

Rodney sighed and removed his hand from John’s pants.

“This whole interspecies sex thing is freaking you out, isn’t it?”

[despite this essentially being crack, I felt this whole issue had to be addressed a bit, if only to then sweep it firmly under the carpet]

John missed Rodney’s hand but he felt they probably did need to discuss the issue.

“Well, yeah. Kinda.”

“Okay, so look. I don’t do my DNA alteration by halves. I’m completely physically human. Ask Carson. I would never have been allowed on the expedition otherwise.”

“So…”

“So, sleeping with me is not bestiality, nor does it make you a furry, if that’s a concern for you. It just means you have excellent taste.”

John considered for a moment and then popped Rodney’s hand back into his boxers.

“Well, okay then.”

———

“So, Rodney. Ever thought about having kittens?”

“I will end you in your sleep, Sheppard.”

“Goodnight, Rodney.”

“Goodnight.”

——-

And, at least, now John knew why Rodney had always purred after sex.

[this whole fic took about an hour to write (plus some polishing time afterwards) and the longest part of that was trying to end it; which is something that goes for almost all my stories. It almost finished with Goodnight, but that just felt too abrupt; fortunately I think Rodney is easy to imagine as a happy post-coital purrer, without stretching disbelief too far. Because, you know, this is a very serious fic 😁]

This series is one of my favourites to write, because it’s full of love and support from everyone, and because I love the sheer goofiness of it all, with, hopefully, a lot of heart at the centre.

And because cats. You can never have too much cat.

Appreciate the ask! 💖

[sparrowsarus]

Behold! Part one of my "Rodney Moved To Mongolia After Trinity" Fic!

Rodney blinked blearily at the apparition on his doorstep.

“Mongolia, Rodney?” said Radek, arms crossed. “Mongolia?”

“Oh, shut up.” Rodney grouched, opening the door wider. And get in here, it’s freezing.”

As that was no more than the truth, Radek obeyed, and within moments was sitting at Rodney’s little wooden table, coffee in hand. It was a nice little kitchen, Radek thought, surprised. He had only known Rodney in government labs, where the scientists were fed and looked after by various members of the military; to Radek, Rodney’s home ground came with flashing lights and a vague electric hum. This old, warm, soviet era kitchen was more like what Radek had grown up with, devoid of flashing or beeping, and what hum there was came only from the fridge in the corner. In point of fact, when Rodney had given him the 2-minute tour of his small, square home, Radek realized that there was only one computer in the whole place, and the television was dusty. He also wasn’t expecting the soup Rodney thrust in front of him after he has sat down—a milky combination of tea, salt, noodles, and meat that smelled much better than it looked. At Radek’s look, Rodney merely shrugged and explained, “It isn’t bad. Filling.”

Mongolia had clearly improved Rodney’s manners (or perhaps he was just tired), because he let Radek get halfway through his breakfast before demanding why, exactly, he was bothering Rodney now; who was looking after Atlantis; and whether it was still afloat, or if Radek had succeeded in blowing it up entirely.

“The city is fine. I am bothering you, as you have put it, because you must come back. No, shut up and listen. I am tired. Simpson despises being department head. I am tired of doing your job, and its incessant paperwork. I have assigned Miko to AR-1, which leaves one less person in the labs when something happens. I have not slept well in months. You have been allowed your sulk. It is time to put Arcturus aside.”

But Rodney was shaking his head as Radek spoke. “No. If Elizabeth can’t trust me to do my job—and I’m not saying she was wrong—then the whole command structure breaks down, and you know it—”

Before Radek could argue, there was a loud thump from somewhere. Startled, Radek nearly spilled his coffee—mysterious thumps only ever signified trouble, in his experience—but Rodney only smiled. And while that was strange enough, what was stranger was the giant, furry beast that padded into the room, looked directly at Radek, and was instantly on alert.

“Er, Rodney—”

Rodney said something, presumably in Mongolian, and the dog—was it a dog? — relaxed with a huff, thumping toward the food bowl Radek hadn’t noticed and eating noisily. Radek looked at Rodney for an explanation.

“Her name’s Jird. She belonged to a friend of mine, but he couldn’t keep her—she can’t herd anymore, you see. Too old, and she has a bad leg. Which is logical, I suppose, she can’t very well chase after wolves and whatever else is out there. What if something happened? She’s a good girl, well trained. We’ll have to take her running today, of course—that’s the trouble with these herding breeds, they’re high energy, not really meant to be pets as such, but Altan asked. She’s a Bankhar, you know. Very rare animals these days, but they’ve got a breeding program all set up—” Mongolia certainly hadn’t stolen Rodney’s tongue. He talked about the history of the bankhar, about endangered ecosystems, about herding, about how he had to run everyday to keep Jird from destroying his house, how she liked the smell of gasoline but needed muzzling in the shop so she wouldn’t lick the antifreeze—and Radek listened, and kept listening, even while they stood in Rodney’s yard where Rodney was throwing a frisbee for his dog, Rodney had a dog, and a little house and apparently a mechanic’s shop in Ulaanbaatar, of all places, and a life so much safer and more ordinary than Rodney Mckay deserved. It was intolerable. Radek wouldn’t stand for it.

“Ronon would enjoy your dog. He could take her running and save you the trouble of it. The IOA would even allow it, I think. I am owed a favour, and so are you.”

“No. No, Radek. Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about the CSO position. I know you never actually wanted it.

But I have a life here. I don’t blow up solar systems, it’s quiet, I’m sleeping at night finally. And really, what sort of place is Atlantis for Jird? I couldn’t give her up—I know what you’re thinking, and the IOA would never allow it. They wouldn’t even let me bring Curie, and she was small.”

Curie had been four years and six months ago. In some ways, Curie had been a lifetime ago, and clearly Rodney didn’t realize how well Elizabeth could manipulate the IOA, if it suited her. Radek tried another tack. “Your team misses you. The colonel especially, I think. Elizabeth would settle matters regarding Jird, and Carson would approve. You know how he is about therapy animals.”

Rodney whistled for Jird. “Carson’s opinions aside, It’s better this way. Now, come on. If you’re here anyway, you may as well see the sights.”

Radek did “see the sights”, and more importantly for Atlantis, saw Rodney. He seemed, if not happier, more settled — “Therapy, and I’ve got mood stabilizers now.” The old restless energy remained, but it was muted, less frenetic. He complained less, and was less relentlessly critical, although some of Radek’s solutions to various Atlantean problems were still ruthlessly pulled apart and dissected. Rodney was still very much himself in some ways, and Radek realized that he had missed Rodney.

And by the time Radek left (with an assortment of souvenirs for everyone, and photographs, and admonitions about power management), Radek began to work on Plan B.

[stargatelov3r]

Whoa, this is amazing. I-i, they may have become my top pairing now (at least top three,) and I may, MAY have teared up as I read your response. (Also very emotional about this.) 🧡

Flour-covered Chuck in his little apron? Picnics on the mainland? LEARNING CZECH TO UNDERSTAND RADEK!? 

Fuck yes!

Hmm… Chuck is learning Czech in secret, also as a surprise. Because the two of them do really love a good surprise. So Radek doesn’t know he can actually translate what has been engraved on it.

“Jsi láska mého života.”

Chuck is blown away by the translation, he doesn’t tell Radek though. Instead, Chuck mulls it over and a plan starts forming. He has to secretly put said plan into motion. 

Radek notices Chuck being off and slightly twitchy, (cliche - *cough* that I love *cough*) but he starts to get worried about their relationship. Chuck has a terrible poker face after all so he tries to avoid Radek when possible. Rodney starts to get twitchy too. Radek, consumed by negative feelings can only assume the worst considering that two of his closest people are acting strange around him.

So when Rodney, flushed and fidgety asks Radek to follow him he feels terror grip his heart. He follows, preparing to accept any outcome of this interaction with grace. 

He’s so wrapped up in these thoughts that he doesn’t notice Rodney is dressed a little bit fancy (fancy for him,) nor does he notice they are alone in such a heavy traffic hallway. So when the transporter door opens to the gate room and Chuck is there on one knee holding out a ring he is completely floored. 

Radek is obviously the kind to cry in this type of situation, and he does, crying and yelling “Ano! Ano!” before lifting Chuck up and kissing him so hard as the entirety of Atlantis claps and cheers behind them. 😭😭

Elizabeth, of course, set up a whole feast for the occasion.

I hope we convert others to this pairing. Come on people, Chuck/ Radek fanfic let’s go!

Hmm… challenge name… Side ships maybe? No, idk.. Hm, um, hmm… We need a SGA community discussion for this.

I might have to bug sassycordy now because that headcanon is amazing and I wish to hear more. Hmm… I might not have time to though considering I wrote down 22 ship pairings last night to discuss with you over the following thousand years. 😳

I love solo-episodes, love background, give it all!! I need it all!!! At least we have fanfic.

Don't be sorry at all, we are very similar in this regard, I could rant about it forever, and I love hearing your perspective. 🧡

I remember that episode thoroughly, blah Kavenaugh, love to hate him lol

Ugh, yesssss! This, this soooo much. Forget Earth, Atlantica is where it's at (Coined by sweet bby Aiden and - denied by Sheppard but hey nobody else named it sooooo) they could have had way more Atlantis based episodes, especially if they expanded on characters that rarely leave.

Okay this is all canon now, this is what happened, nobody else can convince me otherwise.

I'm going to rewatch SGA just to make note of allies they might have, because I can only think of those kids and Athosians as well lol

Thank you for responding to my novels, I too am thoroughly enjoying myself. 🧡

ship anon... please tell me you write fanfiction. please. I NEED IT. THIS IS SO PURE AND BEAUTIFUL!!!!!

I love how we went from "yeah i think they would be cute" to "they are getting married and all of Atlantis knows it before except Radek" in 24 hours... very cool of us.

I... don't really have anything to add that right now, I'm still trying to process the cuteness of this idea and the general wholesomeness of this ship.

i just checked ao3, there are 3 works which include the "radek zelenka/chuck" tag, so.... welcome to the rarepair corner! We're gonna make this everyone elses problem now! Let the Chuck/Radek agenda begin!!!

Seriously, I'm so glad you brought this to my attention <3 Atlantis did such a great job with introducing background characters (there are a few more I wish they had included more, e.g. Dr. Biro, Miko...) and they deserve all the love <3

you... you have 22 more ships to throw at me? LEMME SEE LEMME SEE LEMME SEE! (though it's gonna be hard to top this one o.0). I love your dedication, ship anon <3

honestly, i love your novels. I was at a friend's place earlier when i read this one and i was like hoooooly shit, i need to read this again when i get home so i can respond to it properly. Your mind is just <3

[ragingpancake]

The Drought

A/N: Hello again! So, trying to get back into the swing of things so I searched for some fic prompts and came across this one! Prompt at the end. Feel free to drop prompts into my ask! I'd love to write more! Here’s what’s frustrating: out of the entire Atlantis expedition, approximately three quarters of them are ATA gene carriers, all thanks to Carson’s finely tuned gene therapy. Awesome. Great. They now have an entire plethora of people to pick from for ‘light bulb duty’ down in the ancient labs, but the problem is, while there are plenty of people to choose from now, Atlantis and her ancient tech just refuses to work for anyone as well as she works for John fucking Sheppard. It’s infuriating, honestly, but Rodney supposes he shouldn’t be surprised. After all, Captain Kirk has managed to practically sleep his way across the Pegasus Galaxy and if Atlantis was a person, of course she would be a she, so of course she would line up with the rest of hussies and--. Hmph. Maybe it’s John that’s the hussy. Lieutenant Colonel Hussy. Okay, that’s almost funny.

“What are we doin’ here again?” Sheppard asks in that nasally, whiny voice he has and it brings Rodney back to the present where they’re currently testing out what very well could be the galaxy’s version of a blood sugar monitor but it only wants to work with John. “I want you to put your finger under the little…. Thing there and think it on,” Rodney says, like it’s the most self-explanatory thing in the world. The duhis left unsaid but it’s there, hanging in the air. He’s also trying very hard not to think about where else he might like Sheppard to put his finger and-- “Why?” It’s infuriating, not only that John Sheppard is the only one that Atlantis responds so easily to, but that he doesn’t even seem to care. Rodney can feel the tips of his ears go red at the annoyance, but there’s that almost smug smile that touches Sheppard’s lips and God, he’s so annoying. And handsome. And smart (not as smart as Rodney of course, but then--) Right. Ancient tech. “It’s not working,” John intones and Rodney frowns down at the tablet. “Well, you aren’t trying hard enough.” “Trying hard enough at what? I’m doing exactly what you said, Rodney.” “Think harder then.” “Can’t we just try something else? Somethin’ cool?” And John honest to God whines and Christ, why is this Rodney’s life? “I just need you to think it on, Colonel,” Rodney snips mostly because they’ve been down here in this lab for the last hour or so and it’s just a couple of them and for the last fifty eight minutes and thirty two seconds, Rodney has been acutely aware of just how close Sheppard is sitting to where he’s working and he just wants to be done. John sighs and screws his eyes shut for all of three seconds before he opens one slowly, glancing down at the machine. Nothing. “I don’t wanna say I toldja so, but--.” “Not another word,” Rodney huffs and he drops the tablet onto the table, lifting a hand to massage his temples. He’s over this. He’s really, really over this and when he glances up at Sheppard to dismiss him, he’s slightly embarrassed to find the Colonel already looking at him, an unreadable look on his face. “I guess that’s it then,” he says, and he sounds annoyed. “We’re done for the day.” “Well, I guess I’ll see ya later then,” John says, standing from his stool and waving lazily at the crew before he slouches out of the lab, Rodney looking after him as he does. It takes all of two seconds before Zelenka speaks up. “Ahem,” he says, feigning clearing his throat. “Perhaps you would like it if I got you a glass of water?” “Not near the ancient tech,” Rodney answers automatically before he realizes exactly what Radek said. “What?” “Clearly, you are incredibly thirsty.” It’s not just Rodney’s ears that go pink this time, but his cheeks burn too. “I have no idea—” “Oh please,” Radek smirks. “The tech works just as well for any other gene carrier here on Atlantis, you know that. We all know you just pretend it doesn’t to give you an excuse to get Sheppard down here and ogle him for an hour.” “First of all, there is no ogling anyone here and second of all, you knowthe city responds best to him! We can’t all be natural gene carriers with the stupid hair and that stupid slouch and--.” “Relax, Rodney,” Radek says and he’s still teasing but maybe there’s something else there too. “For what it is worth, Miko, Simpson and myself believe that the Colonel is just as… parched.” “Wait, wait, wait, you’re saying—No, no. You’re wrong. It’s not possible.” Radek shrugs. “If you say so.” He’s content to let it go and go back to work, and Rodney thinks it really sucks that Zelenka would put such a thought in his head and then just goes back to pretending he hasn’t completely melted Rodney’s brain. Well, what the hell is he supposed to do about this now?

He gives it a few days, lets himself ruminate on it and he’s still pretty certain that Radek is full of it. But then they’re back to the labs, Sheppard back on lightbulb duty, except this time they’re alone and Rodney cannot… well, he can’t quite look away from the Colonel, no matter how hard he tries. Not even when the blood sugar monitor turns on at the slightest thought from Sheppard and--. “Rodney? Something on your mind, pal?” “No,” Rodney answers, perhaps just a little too quickly, eyes snapping down to the tablet in his hand as he catalogs the response the tech is giving John. “Why?” Because he can’t leave well enough alone. “IS there something on yourmind?” John’s response is just as defensive, an emphatic no, and Rodney knewthat Radek was full of shit, that little--. There’s a shrill alarm that sounds for a fraction of a second before the sprinklersthat Rodney didn’t even know existed come on, immediately soaking them both. John curses and stands up from the stool quickly and Rodney very nearly slips in an attempt to get the tablet out of the water, only managing to keep from busting his ass when John reaches for him and suddenly, they’re standing there so close and--. Thirsty. Yes, perhaps he is. “Sheppard, I--.” He doesn’t get a chance to say what he is when John leans forward and crushes their lips together and oh. Oh. This is… this is nice. He relaxes against it, perhaps leaning into it a bit more than he means to and it seems to continue for an eternity before John finally, perhaps reluctantly, pulls away. “Didn’t think you’d ever get with the program, Rodney,” John mutters and he looks a little embarrassed but a lot proud of himself and--. “Sorry it took so long to get the tech workin’,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck and Rodney realizes he should probably figure out how to turn the sprinklers off, but he’s a little dumbstruck right now, to be frank. “I was hopin’ that if we had to try again, no one else would be here so I could--. Well. So I could see if you were maybe just as dehydrated as I am.” Sonofabitch. Zelenka was right. “Absolutely bone dry.” “Well,” Sheppard says, and there’s a hint of an almost devious smile touching his lips. “Let’s see what we can do about quenching that, huh?” Definitely Lieutenant Colonel Hussy. But this time, Rodney’s more than okay with it.

Your prompt: Person B staring admiringly at Person A from across the room. A friend whispers into Person B's ear: 'Why are you so thirsty?'

[pervasivethrenody]

The Post We Didn’t Needed And Didn’t Deserved (Why God Why).

Ookay, I guess I wasn’t done with yesterday’s thing.  I had to question myself.

It has been a LONG time since I have watched this series from start to finish.  Am I remembering that Rodney actually did tell Carter circa season 4 that he hallucinated her and her fabulous ----?  Or am I mixing up canon with somebody’s fanfic?  You’d be surprised how often that happens.  Or maybe you wouldn’t.  Probably you wouldn’t.

BUT!  I did remember at the end of Grace Under Pressure, when he’s being rescued--do I have--yes!  I do have this one!

(These crappy old CDs are actually coming in handy.  I’m glad I saved them. Look at them, all low-tech and old-timey.  Like, three episodes fit on there, if I was lucky. Twenty-two-year-old me pirated and burned them in such earnest.  She’s a time-traveler from the past, here just to give a big ol’ middle finger to Disney-owned Hulu.  I’m...I love them now.  I’ll never abandon you, brave little CDs that almost could.)

ANYWAY...

“I need to decompress first.  Carter told me to increase the pressure.”

“Carter?”

“I did.  I did.  I told myself.”

(Look!  Marginally less shitty screencaps.  I can has learning.)

Then he says goodbye to whale friend.  Sam doesn’t get to eat him today.

Heh.

I’m twelve. 

No, twenty-two.  Twelve-year-old me was NEVER this corrupted.

So, assuming there was no further discussion about hallucinations...this is what John knows:

Whale leads them to Rodney.

Rodney’s dragged from the Jumper with a head wound and probably hypothermia.

(What’s that, you say?  You want to read a really damn good fic about warming up that hypothermia?  Glad I could help!)

Rodney mumbles something about Carter telling him what to do.  Corrects himself.

Rodney, here, announces he’s named his whale friend after Sam.  Has to be reminded other people helped save him too.

Rodney has a massive goddamn ---- for Carter.  John knows this.  The entire galaxy knows this.  I’d call it irrational, but...the man’s got good taste.

MOVING ON.

It’s entirely, adorably possible John pieced together all this information and came to the correct conclusion, or one very, very close to it, in the short time it took to make this face:

As hard as the doofuses in charge tried to walk back the Mensa thing later on (no, really, they did), they don’t fool me.  For fuck’s sake. 

I mean.

I mean.

He’s doing sciencey, engineery things.  This is like possibly the most enthusiastic he’s been, ever.  Why doesn’t he do them more often?

Simple answer:  The city would combust.

shivers

Look.  Just because I’m asexual doesn’t--

Just--just--

Smart people doing competent things.  Okay?

Okay.

Hey, look, now he’s threatening to order Radek to go on the rescue mission.

And by “threatening to order,” we mean “actually threatening.”

No, we really, really do.

Yeah.  He gets it.

“Allow my facial expression to make perfectly clear that I am agreeing to go because I do not want to die painfully by the hands of this very dangerous and foolhardy man.  Look at him.  Literally he will tear open my neck.  While smiling.  Do prdele.”

Bonus:

“You claim to be a creation of my mind, and yet you are in no way dressed provocatively!”

...

This look never not gets to me.

Ever.

I just can’t English it.

BACK to the whales, for my closing argument.

Uh.

I don’t really have one.

But here!

There’s a GIF of this floating around somewhere, but the blur of motion in these stills is too cute.  Take that, new-timey motion-capture nonsense!  Take that, Sam Carter!  John is hotter than you are.  Figuratively.  Hypothetically.  To people who aren’t me.  No offense and stuff.

Also, he’s made of Rodney-magnets:

McShep in motion.

Boys.

All of my everything is complete.

I must go.  My people need me.

[stargate365]

[SGA] 4.20: The Last Man (1/2)

Lorne has a point John. The Genii did try to kill us.

I want Teyla back already…

Okay, tf? Why is Atlantis dressed in red today?

“If this is a surprise party, it’s not my birthday.”

Question: When is John’s birthday?

Answer:  June 14th. Holy shit, that’s today. (I’m doing this ep in advance)

This is creepy. Where is everybody?

The hell? Why are we in a desert and buried under sand dunes?

The fuck is the garbled noise… Rodney??

Forget about John, I’m confused.

The hell is going on. Where ar e you – What the fuck? Why are you old?? And a hologram?

Yes, what John said?

48,000 years??

“You’re not doing a very good job of cheering me up here.”

Why a Stasis Chamber? Oh, because Rodney has a plan?

Why two months? What happened??

;w; Teyla died in this au?

Well fuck… this is insane.

Sand. Sand everywhere…

Aww. My boys. Even when one is a hologram, and the other is an unplanned time traveller, they’re still the same.

Sam got her own spaceship? Wow.

Yes, Rodney, Radek was there too. Lol.

Well shit…

;w; Sammm….

Well shiiitttt…. This planet is gonna essentially get charred, and blasted apart by the eventual expansion of the sun.

Holy shit, did John just outthink Rodney??

Bandanna man!

Walk in a straight line? What, like you’re doing the drunk test?

Wait… Ronon raised an army? Badass.

Oh dear… key piece of intel? Sounds more like a trap.

Todd?? Hi Todd!

Well shit… is Ronon planning a suicide run?

“I was just gonna blow it up.”

;w; Ronon and Todd going out together.

?? Rodney quit? Tf?

Woolsey is in charge after Sam is gone?

The hell??

Oh, the IOA thinks it’s unlikely? Because they’re so often right in these matters.

I suppose at least one bright thing came out of that disaster… I mean, I personally have other ships, but it’s still cute.

…and then Jen finds out she’s dying…

If anybody can change the past, it’s Rodney McKay.

“Jeannie came by every once-in-a-while to check up on me.” You mean to correct you lol.

Evan Lorne wound up as the General of the SGC?? Wow.

John’s attempt at getting sports info out of Rodney… probably for betting purposes…

UNSCHEDULED OFFWORLD ACTIVATION!!

John? John! Whooo!!! We got home!!

Now, how long has he been gone?

“Rodney, you’re a genius.” “Okay.”

Twelve days…? Much better than 48,000 years.

Excuse me Sam, you’ve time travelled before.

“Can we go now?”

So… we got here early??

And you got a self-destruct code… run for your lives!!!

Rodney!!

To be continued…

[lunarriviera]

two airmen. one love story.

flyboys (99969 words) by aerialiste

chapters: 28/28 [complete] fandoms: Stargate Atlantis, Captain America rating: explicit relationships: John Sheppard/Sam Wilson, Rodney McKay & John Sheppard, past Riley/Sam Wilson, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson characters: Sarah Wilson, Radek Zelenka, Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan, Kanaan, Natasha Romanov, Original Character(s) tags: Air Force, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BDSM, Bondage, Crossover, Fighter Pilots, Major Character Injury, Military, Past Character Death, Post-Canon, PTSD, Rope Bondage, Therapy, Trauma, US Air Force, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Kink Negotiation summary: John Sheppard is on convalescent leave—or at least that’s what he keeps telling himself, though it looks a lot more like hiding in a crappy apartment in Houston, never leaving except for physical therapy and more alcohol. So he’s not sure why he turns up at a kink club, much less why he starts hanging out with Sam Wilson, probably the only other guy on the planet with a tighter security clearance than his—not that either of them much wants to talk about work. Two airmen, both with troubled pasts, find solace in each other one humid Gulf Coast summer. And the strength of the pull John feels toward Sam surprises him more than the odds of their meeting at all.

So several years ago, at eighties night at my favorite club, my friend cascat ran out onto the dance floor to pick up a beer bottle someone had dropped; and a fic was born. I’d been thinking for a while about two very different airmen in the US Air Force and kept wondering what would happen if you crossed @astolat‘s Sam Wilson with @cesperanza‘s John Sheppard; so I resolved to find out. 100k words later, I’m not sure I solved the problem but I had fun trying. Dedicated to @seperis because she’s pulled me out of several writing blocks with her magic bag of tricks, not the last of which is “[more]”—and because we’re going to be roommates and always leave our organic unsalted pasture butter out of the fridge. Love to everyone else who helped, including @bettsfic (who is both BFF & BBF, best beta forever), @expatgirl (always up for a game of “what if” and/or soundtrack mixing) & @starlessfuture (crucial last-minute keysmashing). I will now shut up about this, after making you all listen to me talk about it for the last two years; thank you for your patience and kindness, and above all for reading.

[whumpstation]

Whumptober Day 3 - Insomnia

So this is number 2 for the night. this one kind of got away from me, especially the beginning part, but oh well. XD Insomnia is one of my favorite things to write, probably because I suffer from it so often that it feels good to torture my favorite characters with it. Once again, only proofed once, so any mistakes are mine and will be fixed later. I hope you enjoy! Please let me know what you think! I love reading comments!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whumptober Day 3 - Insomnia

Series: Stargate Atlantis

Words: 2037

ETA: ~ 2 hours

      He couldn’t breathe! The water…it was rising to fast. He was going to drown! He thought he might’ve had a chance; that they would’ve gotten to him in time, but he had to admit to himself that he was indeed wrong this time. Help wasn’t coming, and Rodney McKay really hated being wrong. However, he hated dying even more than being wrong. It was pretty close between the two if he was honest with himself – dying and being wrong. It flipped back and forth from day to day, but right now dying was absolutely number one on his ‘I hate this’ list. What’s worse was that he was going to die alone. Alone, in the dark, underwater – cold, numb and scared out of his mind. He wished he could at least have someone to talk to before he drowned. It wouldn’t have saved him, but it would’ve given him some comfort to have a friendly voice to send him to oblivion.

    The water was almost to his nose, and he knew that any second it would submerge him completely. He couldn’t help but panic, breathing through his nose as fast and as deeply as he could. It was nonsensical, but he couldn’t help but take in the last precious seconds of air. Then the water engulfed him in its cold embrace and he went from panic to complete freak out in 1.2 seconds. He thrashed as he held his breath and tried desperately to find a way out of the jumper, even though he knew it was hopeless. He couldn’t make it to the surface with what little air was in his lungs, and even if he could, he would have no time to decompress on the way up, and he would die from the Benz before he even made it to the surface.

    It was probably only seconds, but it felt like an eternity later when he felt his lungs begin to burn and strain against his chest. Begging him for oxygen; begging him to breathe! He tried his best to convince them that that was a VERY bad idea, but they eventually overrode him, and he took an involuntary breath in – instantly choking on the water that now flooded his lungs. That started a vicious cycle of trying to expel the water, only for more to flood back in. It was torture in as true a sense of the word could mean, and Rodney soon felt himself slipping away.

    His final thoughts were of his colleagues, his team, his friends, and his sister. How he wished he could’ve said goodbye. Could’ve told them how much they actually meant to him. How much he enjoyed their companionship, friendship and love. An eerie kind of peace swelled through Rodney for a moment and he clung to it for as long as he could, before his body made one more ditch effort to try to survive. He thrashed once more in the thick water, but eventually everything just faded away.

    Rodney bolted up in his chair with a strangled gasp. He had to grip the table before him to keep from falling to the floor. His breathing was harsh and much too quick to be considered normal, and he would hate to have Carson see him right now. The genius shivered as he locked his eyes on the far wall of his lab in Atlantis and did the breathing exercises that helped him so well in times of stress.

    ‘It’s okay. You’re not underwater. You didn’t drown. John and Radek saved you. Stop being stupid! You’re fine.’ Rodney mentally berated himself as he slowly but surely got his breathing under control. This was getting ridiculous. It had been week since the jumper incident, and yet he was still having these nightmares every time he closed his eyes. He knew he should go talk to someone, tell someone, but he was figured he could just as well just work himself into a coma and accomplish almost the same thing. He was fairly certain the nightmares would stop – eventually – and then he could just get on with his life. However, the nightmares where getting worse every night. He was so tired from only being able to sleep a few minutes here and there that it was beginning to show. He couldn’t survive on catnaps; he knew it and he knew that his friends knew it.

    He was so caught up in his musings that he didn’t hear the door swish open and footsteps make their way over to his side. Only when he felt a hand on his shoulder did he notice that someone was there, and quite violently at that. Rodney gasped, and spun his head around to see how was there, only to be overtaken by a head rush of massive proportions and sway dangerously on his work chair. He was certain he would’ve fallen had the person with him not had such good grip on him. After the room stopped spinning, Rodney opened his eyes and came face to face with a very concerned Colonel John Sheppard.

    “McKay? Are you alright there, buddy?” John asked almost hesitantly, as he looked McKay up and down a few times. Man, he looked like crap. The bags under his eyes would be considered carryon at this point, and he looked like he hadn’t had a good meal in ages. John had been concerned before, what with McKay virtually disappearing after being released from the infirmary a few days ago. He tried to corner the man several times, but McKay always seemed to have a knack for avoiding him when he wanted to. John decided here and now though, by whatever means necessary, he would get his Rodney McKay back.

    Rodney stared blankly at John for a minute longer than he probably should have. His brain sluggish in trying to understand the question it was being asked, and why John was even there in the first place. The military man avoided the labs whenever he could. It made no sense why he would come down on his own, unless something was wrong. Oh! Something was wrong! Maybe the city was under attack, or sinking! He had to help! McKay tried to get to his feet, only to have them fold like partially set jello beneath him. Once again he found himself being supported by the Air Force Colonel, and set back on his seat.

    “Whoa there McKay! Take it easy. Where do you think you’re going in such a rush?” John asked as he looked critically into Rodney’s eyes.

    “The…the city. Have…to help,” Rodney croaked out as he shook his head to clear the fog that had suddenly settled there. He couldn’t lose it now, the city, the expedition needed him.

    John looked confused. “The city? The city’s fine, buddy, for once. Nothing needs fixing or saving at the moment. We’re all good – well, maybe not all of us. When was the last time you slept?”

    McKay was instantly on alert and he tried to sit up a little taller in his seat to appear more put together than he felt. “Just woke up. I’m fine.”

    John looked unconvinced to say the least. “Yeah, I mean actual sleep, not passed out at your laptop for 10 minutes.” John sighed and began to rub the back of McKay’s neck. “Look buddy, I’ll be honest. You look like shit, and we’re all worried about you. How about we take a trip to your quarters and see what we can do about that, yeah?” John said as he started to peel Rodney off his chair. He had to take most of the scientist’s weight, but he was prepared for such an outcome. The man was beyond exhausted, which was no surprise after almost a week’s worth of insomnia.

    As they began to make their way out of the lab, Rodney shook his head slightly and tried to stop his team leader from dragging his butt to bed. He knew he needed to sleep, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t face those nightmares again. Not so soon after just having one. John shushed him though and kept them moving. “It’s alright, Rodney. I promise, it’s all okay. Just a few more feet….or meters…whatever you Canadians use.” John said at a light attempt at humor, but it seemed to go right over his genius’ head, which was disconcerting to say the least.

    When they finally made it to Rodney’s room, the scientist went from near ragdoll, to the immovable object. He somehow found an untapped reserve of strength neither knew he had, and he stood just inside the door, staring at his bed as if he was the nastiest, meanest wraith he had ever seen. He shook his head violently as he tried to back out of the room, but John was there to stop him and coax him forward. “Hey. Rodney! Easy buddy. I’m not going to leave, okay? I’m going to be right here the whole time, but you seriously need some sleep. Come on, one foot after the other,” Sheppard coaxed as he gently pushed Rodney towards the bed.

    As they neared the bed, Rodney suddenly turned to face John and dug his trembling hands into John’s shirt. He shook his head, and the broken, scared look on his face when he looked up at his leader broke John’s heart into a million tiny pieces. “Please John…please! I…I can’t do this. Please. Let me go back to my lab. I swear, I’m fine. Please, John…please…please…” Rodney begged and sobbed into John’s chest as the pent up fear and exhaustion hit him like a Mack truck.

    John’s resolved redoubled as he held the sobbing genius in his arms, rocking him back and forth as he slowly lowered them both onto the bed. They went from sitting to lying down over the next few minutes, and by the time John was tangled in the sobbing mess that was Rodney McKay; he had somehow managed to get both their boots and McKay’s jacket off.

    John continued to hold Rodney to his chest; allowing the man to cry to his heart’s content. John knew eventually Rodney would cry himself out, but he just hoped that it would be enough to allow the man more than a few fleeting moments of rest. He continued to rub Rodney’s back slowly, as he shushed him kindly, “I’m right here. You’re safe. Just go to sleep, buddy. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

    He wasn’t sure how long this went on, but John sighed in relief as he felt Rodney relax completely onto his chest; his hands no longer gripping him tightly and his breathing evening out. He dared a look and met utterly exhausted eyes staring up at him. “John…” the scientist whispered hoarsely, “Please…don’t go.”

    John couldn’t help himself. He wanted so much to comfort his friend that he didn’t think twice when he gently laid a small peck on the man’s forehead and held him a little bit tighter. “You got it buddy. Anything you want. I’m not going anywhere. You’re safe, and nothing; not wraith or water will hurt you as long as I’m around. Just close your eyes buddy. I’ll make sure the nightmares keep their distance. Just get some sleep.”

    McKay held his breath for a moment before exhaling deeply and completely going lax in John’s arms. He knew it was over. He couldn’t fight this anymore. A week of stress induced insomnia was coming to an end, and he had to say, he actually didn’t mind. As long as John was there, it seemed like an okay idea to maybe try this sleeping thing again. He yawned long and hard as his eyes closed and refused to open, no matter how much he tried. He could still feel John rubbing his back, and it was soothing. He wanted so much to tell John how much he appreciated his friendship and what he was doing for him now and on so many missions in the past, but he just felt so fuzzy all of a sudden, and before he was even aware of it, he was finally and truly asleep.

[cinaed]

AO3 Stats Meme

I went to do that meme where you look at your ten most popular fics and see if you’re surprised or not, and said to myself, “Hey, I feel like I did this one before. It would be fun to do a compare and contrast-- ...okay, the last time I did this was apparently 2011.” 

So this should be fun. 

2011

1. Here Thy Hands Let Fall the Gather'd Flower (Greek mythology, Hades/Persephone, 2209 hits) 2. The Aftermath Job (Leverage gen, 587 hits) 3. Once a Goddess (Chrestomanci gen, 451 hits) 4. Hat Trick (Glee/High School Musical, Kurt/Ryan, 358 hits) 5. A Memory That Wasn't Ours to Claim (Hot Fuzz/Good Omens, Aziraphale/Crowley, Danny/Nicholas, 338 hits) 6. Such Delight As Prisoned Birds Must Find in Freedom (Pat Barker's Regeneration gen, 331 hits) 7. Bright Lights, Big City (Glee/High School Musical, Kurt/Ryan, 289 hits) 8. Where Sister and Brother and God-kin Know Us (Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood gen, 276 hits) 9. Outnumbered Like the Alamo (Stargate Atlantis, John/Rodney, Elizabeth/Radek, 254 hits) 10. The World Was All Playthings (Stargate Atlantis, John/Ronon, 242 hits)

2018

this bullet lodged in my chest, covered with your name (Captain America/The Avengers, Bucky/Natasha, 30,656 hits)

my heart lies buried like something dead (Les Miserables, Valjean/Javert,  24,257 hits)

Here Thy Hands Let Fall the Gather'd Flower (Greek Mythology, Hades/Persephone,  17,316 hits)

All the Effects of Intoxication (Les Miserables, Valjean/Javert, 9,881 hits)

A Love Song Stuck in My Throat (Book of Life, Manolo/Maria/Joaquin,  9,463 hits)

Undercover Work (Brooklyn Nine Nine, Amy/Rosa, 6,423 hits)

Lift It to Your Lips Like a Broth of Stars (Pacific Rim, Raleigh/Mako, 5,950 hits) 

Between the Shadow and the Soul (Justice League Unlimited/Greek Mythology, Bruce/Diana, 5,141 hits)

The Best Time of Your Life (Despicable Me/The Incredibles, Margo/Violet,  4,638 hits)

The Michael Problem (South Park, Craig/Tweek,  4,654 hits)

Conclusions is that Greek mythology will always be popular and that it’s very nice to be in megafandoms from time to time (or in Book of Life’s case, write a 24,000 word fic for your ot3 right after the movie comes out). 

Also I love the variety-- we’ve got gen, slash, femslash, het, and ot3.  

[sga-owns-my-soul]

WIP Wednesday

first of all HUGE shout out to @spurious for doing this every week and always tagging me 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 i loved seeing everyone's posts and making my own wip wednesday posts, it was so much fun and so motivating!! thank you!!!!

it's the last wednesday of the year (what the fuck) so this week it's a

✨WIP Year in Review✨

Number of WIPs Begun this Year: oh my god too many 😂 not including ones that i finished/posted, 43, including ones i've finished/posted, 96. which is, quite frankly, ridiculous considering i haven't written anything in like. 8 years

Number of WIPs Finished this Year: 53????? somehow???? that's absolute insanity to me omg

Longest-Running WIP: not surprising, my millers crossing au is currently my long-running fic 😅 and probably will be for a while

Newest WIP: my newest wip is (working title) 'Lesbian McShep ft Sam" and the concept is genderbent mcshep with john and sam being air force buddies, and sam warns john to avoid rodney bc she's a bitch- cut to a year later when they catch up back on earth and johns like yeaaaaah so i might've. accidentally fallen for the bitchy lead scientist?

Most Worked on WIP: probably my millers crossing au lmao, it's one of those fics that i'm probably going to be writing forever because there's just. so much to explore in that fic with the characters and i'm loving it so much and i can't wait to share it but it's also going to be so sad when i finish it i can tell already

Favourite WIP: oh man this is a hard one! i've done a lot of writing that i really love this year so it's hard to pick a favourite but i think if i had to narrow it down i would probably have to say either Safe House (my unhinged insane cia mcshep au where they kill abusers for fun) or Childhood Memories (rodney surprises the team with a ton of classic childhood earth activities bc 'everyone enjoys the wonder and magic of being a kid')

Favorite Completed Work: again very tough choice bc i like a lot of what i've posted this year but i think its a toss up between Bludgeoned, a very angsty rodney whump fic with the team going insane, or Not Dating, but More Than Friends, a very sweet qpr mcshep fic that i honestly think very accurately describes what their relationship to each other in canon is

WIP You're Most Excited to Finish: safe house omg i'm so close to finishing and i can't WAIT to share it idk if it'll be very well received but i'm SO excited to share it (for the very niche specific audience of one i wrote it for 😂)

WIP You're Not Sure You'll Finish: i started working on a concept at the start of the year that was radek visiting rodney every time he's in the infirmary and idk if i'll ever get around to finishing it but maybe i'll post a snippet of what i've worked on so far if people are interested

WIP Resolution for 2024: i want to finish more plot fics!! i'm pretty good at writing short little one shots but i'm shit at writing plot or longer fics and i have a lot of ideas for long fics so i wanna get better at it!

what a great year of fic writing!! thank you to everyone who joined wip wednesday and everyone who read my fics!!! this is such an incredible community and i'm so happy to be a part of it!!

as always, open tags to anyone and everyone who wants to participate!!

[buffycuddlespigs]

Pigeons in Atlantis

A @stargaterarepairswap gift for @stormphrax who included Lorne/Zelenka on their list.

I hope you enjoy

Evan Lorne never planned on falling in love. When he joined the Air Force he had made a choice, a choice that - despite what his Mom thought - was right for him at the time. Growing up as he had, in a hippie commune in the hills outside San Francisco, Lorne had seen love in every shape and size and colour imaginable. Peace, love and harmony got kind of old after a while. The guys he bunked up with during officer training always laughed when he told them that following the rules was his way of rebelling, but that didn’t make it any less true.

The fact that he eventually came to realise that what was the right decision back then may be the wrong decision now, only made it more true.

It was easy at the age of twenty-two to say that he could live without love. Who needed love when you had the sky? And then, when they took the sky away from him, they gave him the stars. They gave him other planets and aliens and the really cool guns and - - who was he kidding, all he wanted was someone to share it with. Thirty-two was a lot further from twenty-two than ten rotations around the sun should be.

Almost as if they could sense his wavering intent, the Air Force upped the stakes and gave him a whole new galaxy.

He would be mad not to take it; that’s what he told himself anyway. He had gotten really good at stuffing his loneliness, his need, away into an unmarked box at the back of his mind, knew the best way to fold everything so it lay flat and benign. It took a bit more work this time, the sheer volume of the feelings seemed to have grown in the short time he’d opened the box to look at it but Lorne forced it down, taped the box shut and stepped onto the Daedalus with his easel and paints stowed just as securely in his personal belongings.

As they flew towards Pegasus, towards Atlantis, he was too busy to notice the way the tape on his carefully boxed feelings was starting to uncurl.

—

“Is this seat taken?”

Evan looked up from the data pad his head was buried in and took in the wild haired man in front of him. His shirt was science blue but Evan would never have pegged him for anything other than a scientist even if he were dressed in full gear with a P-90 clipped to his chest. Even coming from the SGC, Evan was still surprised at just how much the scientists and support staff outmeasured the soldiers on Atlantis. It would take a lot of getting used to.

Figuring that he had better start getting used to it soon, Evan gestured to the empty seat across from him, nudging his half eaten tray closer to him to give the scientist more room.

“Thank you. How are you finding your time in Atlantis? The food is something to get used to, no?”

Evan laughed softly, eyeing the pink tuber like vegetables on his plate.

“You could say that again.” He placed his pad down on the table and turned his full attention to the other man. “I’m sorry but I’ve met a lot of people and heard a lot of names over the past couple of days. Have we..”

Radek chuckled. “No, Major, we have not met but I felt like we should. I am Dr. Radek Zelenka.”

Evan nodded in recognition of the name. “Dr. McKay’s 2IC. That’s, ah, let’s just say that I don’t envy you that job.”

“He is prickly, ano, but not so bad underneath. I think you might find that you have the harder job.” “Really? Col. Sheppard seems pretty laid back. I mean, it’s obvious he doesn’t like paperwork,” Evan gestured at his pad with its dozens and dozens of unanswered emails, “but he seems a good man.”

“He is,” Radek nodded seriously. “The best. But he also, like Rodney, needs much looking after. I felt I should offer a shoulder to unload on when you want to vent. One 2IC to another.” He smiled happily at Evan, and Evan blew out a breath at the way it transformed Radek’s face, shaving years off him.

“I’d like that Doc,” he said.

Radek waved his formality off. “Please, Major, call me Radek.”

Evan smiled, feeling something uncurl inside him. “Only if you call me Evan.” —

Evan had spent enough time with Radek to learn the worst words in Czech and Radek was muttering all of them as he stormed on to the balcony Evan was currently holed up in.

“What’s McKay done now?” Evan asked, squinting at the painting he was working on.

“What hasn’t he done?” Radek cursed. “Is it wrong that sometimes I prefer it when he is in infirmary?”

Evan chuckled, adding a splash of yellow to the tower on his easel, trying to mirror the way the sun was hitting the glass. “I know what you mean but remember, Radek, if they spend too long off duty, we just end up having to do their jobs as well as our own.”

“Ano, ano, and there is also the annoying fact that they are our friends and we do not like to see them hurt.”

“That too,” Evan grinned. “So, you want to hide out her until you’ve calmed down?”

“I would not be disturbing you?” Radek asked hesitantly.

“Never.” Evan was surprised to realise that he meant it. He wasn’t sure when exactly it had happened but Radek had become one of the most important people in his life here.

“You are very talented,” Radek broke the small silence that had followed Evan’s sincere declaration, gesturing at the painting.

“Thanks. This place, it’s inspiring. I brought my art supplies fully expecting never to use them but…” he looked at Radek, “this place is full of surprises.”

Radek flushed, ducking his head. “It is,” he agreed. “I am happy that you have been able to keep up your hobby.”

“You have one back on Earth?” Evan asked. “A hobby?” Evan had learned early on that most of the first wave residents always referred to their own planet as Earth rather than home. It had only taken Evan a few months to understand the distinction.

“I raced pigeons,” Radek admitted, blushing when Evan laughed. “It is strange and old fashioned, I know.”

“Nah,” Evan chuckled. “It’s not strange. It’s..it’s very you. You miss them?”

“Every day.”

Radek sounded genuinely sad and Evan felt the tape that held his feelings inside their box uncurl like a visceral punch to the gut.

“Maybe we’ll find the Pegasus equivalent,” he said weakly. Clearing his threat, he changed the subject. “So, tell me what McKay’s up to now.”

— Evan ran through the corridors towards the infirmary, his heart pounding a tattoo in his head.

“Whoa, there Major,” Col. Sheppard almost ran into him as he rounded a corner at speed. “Where’s the fire?”

Evan had never came so close to punching a commanding officer. If it was his geek in the infirmary - -

John must have saw something in Evan’s face because his face softened, his tone shifting into something quieter and understanding. “He’s fine. Carson got his heart started again within five seconds. No lasting damage. Hell, he’s already berating Rodney for not triple checking that the power was turned off.”

Evan hung his head in relief, breathing heavily in a way that had nothing to do with running through the halls of Atlantis.

He felt John’s hand on the back of his neck, squeezing gently before lifting off. “Look, Lorne. It’s none of my business but…tell him. I’m not exactly going to be hypocritical enough to report you for it.”

Evan swallowed hard, straightened up and saluted.

John waved his salute off with a smirk. “Yeah, yeah, best CO ever, I know. Now, go do something nice for your geek.”

— Radek looked half dead when he answered his door, his hair sticking out even more than usual which Evan hadn’t thought possible.

“Evan.” Radek looked surprised to see him which was understandable. Radek had spent the night under Carson’s care and Evan hadn’t visited. “I..you were busy earlier? I, ah, I had lots of McKay ranting to get off my chest while I was lying in the infirmary.”

It wasn’t quite an accusation but Evan knew it was as close as Radek would get. He just hoped that what he had planned would make up for it.

“I know. I’m sorry that I didn’t come and see you but I was busy. Painting.”

“Painting?” Radek repeated blankly. “I was lying in infirmary bed, your friend, and you were painting.”

“No!” Evan back-pedalled. “I mean, yes, but, Radek, I suck at this.” Evan reached down to pick up the canvas that he had left leaning against the wall next to Radek’s quarters. “Just, look at it. It’s..it’s…”

“It is pigeons,” Radek breathed out, looking at the painting with a warm smile. “In Atlantis.”

“It’s for you,” Evan finished lamely.

“I will cherish it. It is, it is beautiful.”

“I’m really glad that you’re ok,” Evan whispered. “I heard the call for a medical team and, and - ”

Radek grabbed his hand, making him break off mid-sentence. “Evan,” he smiled. “Would you like to come in?”

Evan took a deep breath, ripped the rest of the packing tape off and nodded.

“I’d love to.”

[carsonsweebabyturtles]

Tag game!

I was tagged by @scarletmanuka1​ and @logicgunn​. Thanks to both :)

1. Why did you choose your url? 

Well because of this

2. Any side blogs? 

I have a Sherlock Holmes blog which I’m on once in a blue moon these days.

3. How long have you been on Tumblr? 

Since 2012. This blog is a little over a year old though

4. Do you have a queue tag? 

I have an extensive queue but no tag

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place? 

I started it as place where I could horde all the Stargate posts. I had moved away from Sherlock and back to my first love of Sci Fi, had just re watched SG1 and SGA and was hooked again. I didn’t realise the Stargate fandom was so active so didn’t think it would take up much time. Ha. Wasn’t I pleasantly surprised :)

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp? 

Carson is one of my favourite characters as you can tell by the blog name and it’s a drawing of him I scribbled.

7. Why did you choose your header? 

Because it’s very McShep and I ship it like Fed Ex

8. What’s your post with the most notes? 

I don’t tend to get many notes on posts but I think it may be a Radek Zelenka/Evan Lorne edit with 185. 

9. How many mutuals do you have? 

I don’t know really. A lot. I started off just re following everyone who followed me.

10. How many followers do you have? 

485. Not sure why because all I do mainly is re blog other peoples posts

11. How many people do you follow? 

442. As i said I started out re following everyone 

12. Have you ever made a shitpost? 

No 

13. How often do you use Tumblr each day?

A lot more than I probably ought to. 

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

Not as such. I had an ex follower asking me to stop spamming John Sheppard and Rodney McKay posts and showed them the door. Politely :) It’s like they’d never seen my blog before lol. Also had anon hate about my “shitty art” but no fights. 

15. How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts? 

I really hate them. I hate being guilt tripped into doing anything. My blog is my safe space and it’s there to cheer me up. I put what I want on it. I try to stay clear of political subjects etc because that’s not why I am here. Doesn’t mean I don’t care about them. I have my personal Twitter for that kind of thing. 

16. Do you like tag games? 

Yes I do

17. Do you like ask games? 

I’ve never actually done one. Perhaps I should.

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

Fame is relative I think. I was asked the other day who the most famous person I had met was and I said Benedict Cumberbatch and they asked who? They weren’t joking. Meanwhile I’m like

So, who am I to know anything about fame but I can tell you some that when they followed me I had a little  'omg I’ve stalked them for ages and now they follow me’ moment. @scarletmanuka1 @zaganthi  @nerdgatehobbit  @destihellhound @logicgunn

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

NO. I’m old enough to be your mother :)

Ah, who to tag. feel free to ignore if it’s not your thing. @maverick-werewolf​  @alicia178  @autie-j  @nerdgatehobbit

[stargatelov3r]

Hmm… We'll see, anonymity and all that.🧡

If you do write some I would love to read it. Can’t stop thinking about these funny scifi characters. <3 I completely understand and I cannot wait to see said reactions. 

It’s kinda cool with those ships where you need to think about it more. I like to analyze why that happens, like as you were saying with Sam/ Elizabeth (Which I will be getting too!) and how the ship was off for you because of the actors. It can reveal our personal biases in a way. In a good way, I think.

Hmm… More Chuck/ Radek headcanons? Why the hell not.

Chuck has no idea he is about to become smitten with the Czech scientist, he only goes to the infirmary because of his guilt. Because Radek deserves an apology. He comes out of the interaction buzzing and tingly, the entirety of it lingering in his mind. Chuck tries to push it away expecting everything to go back to normal. But, no. Radek starts shooting him smiles and being extra friendly. 

When Radek realizes Chuck has a crush on him he is surprised but ecstatic. He tries to maintain a semblance of calm during the work day but his face keeps breaking out into a mischievous smile. The sight of which has Rodney on edge all day.

Hobbies hmm… I’d be worried about them doing Archery. I could see them both painting, I bet they would take lessons from Lorne. You know what, and Pottery, they definitely do pottery. Heck, all the characters do pottery, because doing pottery together is one of the sexiest of hobbies, I’m pretty sure that’s a fact. (Not a Fact.)

Hmm… Radek mentions he had racing pigeons, this gets Chuck interested in birdwatching. Because of this they start to do nature hikes every week on the mainland. Eventually, at the request of Dr. Baxter, they start collecting/photographing insects on the hike as well. I assume Atlantis probably has a small nature identification community and the two of them become quite prominent within it. (Dr. Baxter and his interest in insects is canon. I believe they mention him offhandedly during Tabula Rasa.) 

They always host the winter holiday party and even though it’s unnecessary they still send out physical holiday cards. The front of which always has a picture of the two of them wearing matching sweaters. The sweaters, of course, change every year.

That anon is right, Atlantis is quite stressful for Radek. He can’t even swim! Could you imagine? The terror he must experience just being there, especially at first. But don't worry, Chuck will teach him how to swim.

I love that others are joining in on the Chuck/ Radek! All of these headcanons are just so lovely.

*Side headcanon: Aiden tried to name a ton of stuff on Atlantis, most people shook their heads and laughed at the time. But since Aiden’s disappearance, many Atlantis personnel have taken to using the names he’d suggested.

I love all these headcanons, they are absolutely adorable

I headcanon that atlantis has a lot of pools, both indoor and outdoor, and now that you mentioned Chuck teaching Radek how to swim i can’t shake the image of them at one of the more shallow outdoor pools and Chuck trying to encourage Radek to join him in the water. He probably bribes him with kisses or backrubs or his favorite snacks/food. Very soft

I love the idea of them painting, too, but i feel like Chuck would get a lot more out of it than Radek, who just wouldn’t feel it. Or maybe he would feel it but his paintings would be… interesting.

I feel like as time progresses on Atlantis and they all get settled in and are still cut off from earth a lot of people come forth and start offering workshops for things they are good in. Those range from all sorts of sports to all sorts of arts, and music too. Let’s get the Athosians in here as well, they have art and music and all that stuff as well and they all learn from each other!

Gosh, I love the Atlantis we (and probably a billion fic writers before us) are creating <3

[soapybitch]

How To Write a Sex Scene

Resonant

Summary:

Four tips for creating better sex scenes in erotic romance.

Notes:

I posted these tips in my LiveJournal in 2005. I'm not going to rewrite at all (aside from updating links where I can), so don't be surprised if sometimes I'm explaining things that don't need explaining after all this time. Like, uh, definining 'slash' in the first paragraph. It's historical or something.

Work Text:

I first published this series of essays on my LiveJournal in fall 2005. These suggestions were published in a slash community (what is slash? click here), so they reference, and in some cases quote, fanfiction involving romantic relationships between same-sex characters. The tips aren't genre-specific, though; I'd like to think that anyone who wants to write an erotic scene can learn something here.

Caveats:

1. Obviously, Rule 1 is to get great betas, train them to be very very picky, and train yourself to listen to them and not take it personally.

2. I'm not, strictly speaking, telling how to write a sex scene; I'm telling how to write a scene whose purpose is to be arousing. There are sex scenes that exist for other reasons -- to be comforting, for instance, or to demonstrate a lack of connection between two characters, or any number of other things. In pro-fic it's fairly common to read a sex scene that generates the same reader response as would a description of a stabbing -- it's not there to turn you on; it's there to give you a thrill of revulsion and fear.

But I'm talking about smut here. If you're writing another kind of scene, you may still find useful points here, but you'll have to take me with a very large grain of salt.

1. Make me yearn.

The lack of something to long for is absolutely the single most common problem I see in otherwise well-written sex scenes. And if I don't have anything to long for, then the scene is trivial, skimmable. It needn't even be there.

Beginning writers often preface a sex scene with a long conversation, in which the characters share all their hopes and fears, and reassure one another, and make declarations, and then go to bed.

This is a problem! Because if you do that, then that conversation is the climax of the story. Which means the sex is just an unimportant part of the resolution.

Much better to take them into sex with a few things still uncertain. Don't put their fears to rest before the sex; don't put their fears on hold until after the sex; put their fears to rest by means of the sex. That way it means something.

This can be tricky in long stories with multiple scenes, because there has to be something to yearn for in all of them, and it has to be different every time. It's pretty common to read a story where the first-time scene is fine, but all the subsequent sex scenes are either pointless or boring. Or else they fade to black after a few sentences -- this is an author who has an intuition that there's a problem.

Even in an established-relationship scene, though, or the fifth sex scene of a story, it is possible to have something left to yearn for. You just need some barrier to intimacy that remains to be crossed.

I don't mean "X has never bottomed." I mean "X is still trying to protect himself from getting his heart broken." Declarations and particular sex acts are only going to have meaning and significance if they're signals of emotional progress.

(Or lack thereof, of course; if I read your sex scene and yearn for a particular level of connection, and despair along with the characters when they fail to make it, that's a successful sex scene, though a depressing one. You just have to make me want something. There's no rule requiring you to give it to me.)

If you're going to write a long story with lots of sex, go back to your first time and make sure you leave emotional issues still to be resolved. Does he love him? Does he know it? Does he accept it? Is he confident that he's loved in return? Is he prepared to sacrifice something for that love, take some risks for it, do things he finds emotionally uncomfortable for it? Can he accept sex as an expression of love rather than an exploitation or a meaniingless exchange of pleasure?

Leave some "No" answers to be addressed in later scenes.

2. Pick one zing and stick to it.

When I read a first-time scene, there's a certain set of pleasures that I want from it. Disbelief, anticipation, the joy and fear of a relationship finally taking this big scary step into greater intimacy. I call that set of particular pleasures the first-time zing.

A bondage scene, too, has its own zing -- power/powerlessness, trust or fear, the increased sensitivity that comes with enforced passiveness.

Other kinds of scenes have their own zings. Maybe your scene is all about distance and longing, or about pure meaty muscular maleness, or about secrets. Maybe it's about this, this is the one, this person in particular, or maybe it's all about self-discovery and self-acceptance.

But you have to have one zing, because if you try to have two, then neither of them is going to be very effective.

Now, I'm not saying you can't have, say, bondage in your first-time scene or chocolate in your peanut butter, because obviously you can; I'm just saying that all the other elements have to serve the zing, not compete with it.

If you have both elements, and you decide the zing will be first-time, it will look something like this: "Oh, my god, I can't believe it, after all this time of watching and wanting I finally get to pin you down and take you ..." If you decide the zing is bondage, it will be more like this: "Since the moment I met you I've been dreaming of how you'd look like this, with the blindfold stark against your face and your skin reddening around the ropes ..."

Naturally I like some zings better than others, so if you want to grab me in particular, you'll stay away from power-dominance zings and incest zings and "X feels unattractive and can't believe gorgeous Y could possibly want him," and instead focus on sexual discovery, characters telling dangerous and complicated emotional truths, straitlaced characters suddenly letting loose and showing unexpected depths of wildness, love as the scariest risk ...

But, hey, it's your story. If your zing doesn't do anything for me, still odds are it will do something for someone. All I'm saying is, don't try to pack everything into a single scene. Find this scene's zing, and hone your focus on it.

By choosing one zing, you have to sacrifice a bit of the others. It's OK. There will be other sex scenes.

3. Make the sex fit the characters

(and not the other way around)

Some writers can stay in character for any scene but a sex scene. It's one of the most frustrating things in the world to be reading along, having a good time, following our guys as they do their thing and are entirely themselves, until suddenly they disappear and are replaced by two porn stars who superficially resemble them.

I'm guessing that some writers really just want that particular set of sexual behaviors more than they want to stay in character, and there's probably nothing I can say to them, because that actually is satisfying to them.

But I'm also guessing that there are other writers who want a certain erotic effect and don't know how to get it without going out of character.

Here's how to start: Don't think about what happens in the scene. Think about what payoff you want from it.

Now, there are two ways to do this. You can think about what one character feels, or you can think about what the other character does. For instance, maybe you say, "X goes all crazy and animalistic," or maybe you say, "Y feels like he's been pushed way beyond self-consciousness and can just let go." Or maybe you say, "X uses his mad sex skillz," or maybe you say, "Y feels utterly coddled and pampered and treated like a king."

Right. Get that spelled out in your brain. And then go, "OK, fine, then. How might, say, Rodney McKay go all crazy and animalistic?"

Now, there are obviously lots of right answers for that. Maybe he talks just as much as he talks the rest of the time, but it gets less coherent, or dirtier. Or maybe he stuns his lover by going entirely silent.

But what, you ask, is the difference between a silent Rodney McKay and a porn star who looks like Rodney McKay but can't be him because he's not talking? The difference is that if you've started out thinking, "How is Rodney in particular going to do this?" then even if your answer is, "Surprisingly, he's going to do it without words," you're going to take note of how unusual it is. John is going to take note of how unusual it is, and is going to find it strange, or frightening, or funny, or so hot he can't stand it.

And he's going to say, "Jesus, Rodney -- say something so I -- know it's you," and Rodney's going to put his mouth right against John's ear and say very quietly, "You know it's me," and I for one would have no complaints at all about a scene like that.

If you think of it that way, and it doesn't work for you, then try approaching it from the other side: How is John -- John in particular -- going to act if he's totally blown beyond self-consciousness and shame?

Again, lots of possible right answers. Maybe he doesn't change. Maybe he gets really clingy and needy. Maybe he starts babbling. I could be convinced of any of those, as long as the writer never forgot that this was John and nobody else.

You can have most hot things with most pairings, but some of them are going to take more work than others, and I suspect that some of them may be impossible. If your thing is seductive stripping, you may be out of luck if your pairing is Snape/Lupin or Rodney/Radek. If you're writing a teen Ray/Stella or Harry/Ron and your thing is smooth, confident dirty talk, you've got an uphill battle. (Though to see any of these done well would be fascinating.)

By the way, this problem also sometimes comes up in scenes where the payoff is not erotic but romantic. Suddenly my two canon characters go away and I'm left with two guys who are quoting John Donne to each other. And here again, unless you want the Donne more than you want to stay in character, the solution is to define the exact payoff you want (say, "A guy making a heartfelt emotional declaration") and then ask yourself, "OK, how does Rodney in particular make a heartfelt emotional declaration?"

Because he probably doesn't quote poetry, I can tell you that, at least not in a way that isn't utterly embarrassing for him and everyone else. He's probably not smooth and suave, not if it really means something to him. He will, in fact, probably babble something highly parenthetical and only partly comprehensible, and then go away, and it will only be hours later that John will suddenly go, "Oh, my god, I thought he was complaining about being on jumper pilot rotation but actually I think he just told me he's in love with me."

4. Choose your details carefully.

When I was in college, a student group showed a bunch of Swedish porn films from the seventies. (In fact, that was all the porn I'd ever seen until somebody on my flist uploaded her Patrick collection.) One of the movies began with a shot of a nipple that filled the entire movie screen. Not the aureole, mind you -- just the nipple. The pores were bigger than my head. It took me several minutes to figure out what it was.

I always think of that nipple when I'm tempted to put too much detail in my sex scenes.

Actually, of course, the problem isn't too many details. The problem is ill-chosen details. Brighid can write a sex scene four lines long that I'll be unpacking in my head for days; Paian can knock my eyes out of focus with a sex scene so in-depth that a single orgasm requires more than one paragraph.

All other things being equal, I personally prefer more detail, but only if it's the right detail.

Use too many details that have no significance, and one of two things will happen: I'll start skimming, or I'll start laughing because the whole thing sounds like Wild Kingdom: "The male retracts his nictating membrane; the female responds by opening her dilator ..." *

The right detail is one that does one of these things:

1. It supports the yearning you're trying to create in me.

For example, say you've got a hand. It sweeps down over a guy's chest, gets to his navel, hesitates for a moment, goes down until it brushes the boundary of his pubic hair, hesitates again, brushes very softly up his cock ...

Now, if you're writing a scene in an established relationship where I'm waiting for some verbal declaration, this is kind of irrelevant. Make it go on too long, and I'll start skimming.

But if you've set things up so that the owner of that hand is kind of freaked out about being in bed with a guy, and so far has allowed things to be done to him but hasn't done very much in return, and I'm wanting, hoping, longing to see him get over his inhibitions -- well, then, I'm going to want to see every centimeter those fingers cross.

2. It supports your zing.

For example, we all know about the inexplicable sensitivity of necks, collarbones, and ears. The kiss behind the ear, the resulting shiver -- in most sex scenes, these only get a passing mention.

But if your zing is sexual discovery -- if, say, you're writing Harry Potter's first make-out session -- then that detail becomes really sexy, because he doesn't already know about it.

3. It tells us something about the character and the relationship.

Benton Fraser's got a gunshot scar on his lower back. What Ray Kowalski does and feels when his fingers brush across that scar for the first time is likely to be significant. What Ray Vecchio does and feels in the same circumstances is likely to be even more significant.

4. We need to know about it to understand what happens next.

Usually, if you're not laying out every detail, you can still count on me to assume nudity, horizontalness, lubrication, without you necessarily telling me about them. On the other hand, if somebody's going to get smacked for putting his hand in the wrong place, I probably need to see the hand go down.

5. It really turns you on.

Hey, we're not writing essays on historical criticism here, we're writing porn. If it does something to you, there's a good chance it will do something to me, too.

If your detail doesn't do any of those things, it may still be fine, but if you're in doubt, try deleting it. You can use transitions to get over boring parts in a sex scene just as you would in any other scene. My favorite example is from Helenish's Sentinel story Seemingly Impermeable:

"Good," Blair said, tumbling off him, "good. Jim, my room, I can't carry you." and the next thing that was worth focusing on, after a blur of yanked off pants and Blair's frantic fumbling in his closet, was Blair, wetly kissing his left shoulderblade, rubbing a wet finger into his hole and whispering,

"Don't worry, I'm sure two fingers is enough, you have very big fingers."

* eyefuck!