#Rouran

[choujinx]

KUSURIYA NO HITORIGOTO (2017-?) by nekokurage

[znsluc]

https://x.com/ryosuketarou?s=21&t=55HyzerWcN_RxNpgV2Jocw

[bai-rouran]

“What happened to your Pantalone / Dottore Reddit posts?”

I posted about real-world history Genshin Impact bases character designs on. Ancient cultures, figures, languages, etc. Many folks were supportive. Unfortunately, the Genshin Impact community lived up to its toxic reputation, and Subreddit mods chose not to address it. I decided my mental health was more important than tip-toeing around scary-ass people, and deleted everything. Here’s the longer version of what happened, for those interested.

Please don’t read if su*cide or racism are triggering topics for you.

1. A popular PantaloneMains poster spent months threatening to hurt themselves, talking about the “blood dripping” from their wrists because I posted about the influences/history behind Pantalone’s character. They also started posting that they wanted to be assaulted/m*rdered because of me in r/su*cide.

I lost a sibling to su*cide. I don’t appreciate people manipulating me with threats, so I cut them off. When I blocked them, they made a new account, waited until I made a 2nd post, read it, and started posting graphic threats again. I blocked them a 2nd time, so they made a 3rd alt and used it to follow me.

A friend and I put 2 and 2 together, checked timestamps, and discovered the suicide threats and abusive/harassing behavior started every time anyone new posted a theory on the PantaloneMains subreddit. We also learned this user harassed at least 2 other users in DMs for things like… Not following their other social media accounts, or not commenting on and “liking” their posts. They also publicly attacked another theorizer on PantaloneMains, spammed stolen leaks without spoiler tags or sources for attention, and pretended to be a native CN speaker to incorrectly correct us on traditional translations.

This user was getting upset with anyone whose info/theory took attention away from them, or contradicted their premiere, racist “Pantalone is a lizard person” theory. Their posts were offensive nonsense based on anti-semitism. But folks from the sub pressured me to include their lizard-person theory as a “poor possibility” in my later posts to protect myself from being guilt-tripped/harassed yet again. In the end, I deleted that garbage. I’m tired of people insisting I tolerate others intolerance towards my community to protect myself.

PantaloneMains mods claimed they couldn’t do anything about any of it, because only *some* of the abusive behavior took place directly on their subreddit. That said, I checked their feed, and they let this person post the lizard-person theory for 7+ months with 0 consequences. That’s telling.

2. Let’s move on to the several people who went out of their way to bash and harass me solely for the length of my posts. Some folks from the Genshin Lore subreddit were so upset my historical posts were longer than a paragraph that they: Accused me of being an addict, accused me of being an AI / karma farming bot, threatened me privately, and told me to die. The poor mods had a hell of a time banning them. Special thanks to the dedicated person(s) who made accounts with numerous variations of “sykbackwards” as their usernames. Anonymous harassment on Reddit is a stereotype I understand, now.

3. Other “content creators” copied and pasted the contents of my posts to use - claiming credit. Soon after my posts went up, the contents were spammed all over other social media. One girl spammed the Pantalone and Rouran Wiki sections with my reasoning right after finding my post, pretending she theorized it for clout. Another went to Tumblr, having copied and pasted the entire writing/images and formatting verbatim, asking for people to buy her coffee. And it goes on… 😒

The last straw? Discovering a video of a popular Genshin TikToker reading chunks of my and 2 other users collaborative Pantalone/Dottore history post, word-for-word, pretending it was her hot new theory. We spent 2 months researching and writing it. She dropped a Cashapp link for “her” efforts. Our post had been up for less than a day when she stole it. I suspect “content creators” like her are vultures hanging around the lore/theory subs for writing to sell, now. Many of the folks who did things like this made it a point to crop out my username from images I spent hours creating/editing, and omit the original post link, so they knew what they were pulling.

Meanwhile, people who hunted down my original posts on Reddit went off on for me “spoiling” Pantalone, assuming I was the one behind the spamming.

It would be one thing if these events had been sporadic/isolated, but this sort of drama was happening every other week… Despite only actually posting 3x in 6 months. 3 posts in 6 months, and absolutely stunning levels of continued aggression/dishonesty from the fans compared to… Every other platform and gaming community I’ve ever engaged with. I couldn’t visit Reddit without finding a new nasty comment or DM from a Genshin player, and eventually had to turn DMs off.

“Will you be posting again?”

Nope! I’m disabled, learning about and sharing the background history/cultural inspirations (like Siroe, Heraclius, the Rouran Khaganate and Avars, etc) was a lovely hobby to cope with physical pain. Educating people on this stuff is fun and important. When it stopped being a fun and valued effort, and started being “walking on eggshells around unstable racists while being stolen from and harassed,” I was done.

I deeply appreciate the folks who were supportive, respectful, and collaborative. The community overall, however, is too aggressive to safely interact with.

[cavity-core]

Here’s a cropped version of my Rouran with his hair down dakimakura style art wip

Keeping your screen clean of peen 👍🏻

[aewinning]

Hidden Flower

Chapters: 1/1, 4.6k Fandom: 原神 | Genshin Impact (Video Game) Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Baizhu/Gorou Characters: Gorou, Baizhu as Rouran, Background & Cameo Characters Additional Tags: Mating Cycles/In Heat, Secret Identity, Sex Work, Anal Sex, Knotting Series: Part 3 of Aewin's Baizhu Week 2022

Gorou's rut comes on while he's serving as ambassador to Liyue, but it shouldn't be a problem. All he has to do is go to the pharmacy to grab some suppressants, and he'll be fine. Right?

Unfortunately, the doctor is currently away at his second job with no supplies on hand. (And the job isn't what Gorou expected at all.)

Fortunately, that nature of said job places him in the perfect position to give Gorou a hand regardless.

[zodyandleo]

Rouran’s horse body is based on Przewalski’s horse, a stocky, true wild horse native to central Asia. As such, I gave him the name of a Mongolian nomadic tribe (I had many other Mongolian names on the list, but Rouran visually matched him best). His hair was a traditional Mongolian warrior style I’d found in my research (but can’t seem to find again). Rouran himself doesn’t really have much of a character yet. He was the final one I designed, and I haven’t quite finished constructing his character.

Boost post

[ancientoriginses]

La silla de montar con estructura de madera más antigua descubierta en Mongolia, que data del siglo V d. C., ayuda a redefinir nuestra comprensión de cómo se desarrolló en el este de Asia la tecnología de montar a caballo que dio forma a la guerra medieval.

[swrdcryptd]

I miss her,, I haven't played Kuro yet but I miss her,,

[ash-and-books]

Rating: 3/5

Book Blurb: Why is the dragon the only fantasy creature in the Chinese zodiac? Maybe it's because dragons aren't a fantasy after all...

Moli has never seen a dragon, but she'd imagined one many times. Following the death of her father, a museum curator and historian, her need to escape from the real world has never felt so acute.

Travelling from China to London to attend the funeral, Moli takes the opportunity to visit her father's last exhibition, "The Lost Dynasty of Rouran". The trip reveals Moli's connection to an ancient khanate and, unexpectedly, opens the door to another realm. This is just the beginning of an adventure that takes her travelling through time to a world of shamans, rituals, conqueror worms, dragon chariots and even a confrontation with the world's greatest foes.

To save humanity, Moli and an unlikely quartet of heroes are sent back in history, but can they outrun a fate worse than death? And where does reality end and magic begin? Enter a world where everything is possible...

Review:

A young girl who loves dragons finds her life turned upside down after her father's death as she ventures into another realm while looking into her museum curator/historian father's research. The story centers around the modern-day events of COVID-19 and focuses on a young girl named Moli who is traveling from China to London to attend her father's funeral and see his last exhibition. She finds herself pulled into another realm, one that is filled with mythical creatures and she gets to experience first-hand the ongoing war and the lives of the Rouran's, which her father was looking into. Her involvement in the past time has a ripple effect when she returns to her own time. The story is a fantasy one but poses a lot of philosophical thoughts. It's an interesting read and definitely leaves room for a second book. My only big thing about this was that the writing style was all over the place and it was hard to get into the story when I felt like I was constantly being pulled out of it. I did enjoy that this book was trying to tackle a lot of things but it felt like I was being pulled back and forth between the fantasy realm with Moli and the modern pandemic times. The story just felt a bit all over the place but I can appreciate what it was trying to do.

*Thanks Netgalley and UK Book Publishing for sending me an arc in exchange for an honest review*

[ganondorf]

less than 10 days until reliable baizhu leaks and drip marketing.....i never thought i'd be here today.....it's been such an honor

[c0rpseductor]

[revo voice] win-win de happy!

[rexonalapis]

Playable Baizhu but like Scaramouche, he'll be playable under different name.

[timetravellingkitty]

Mulan 2020 sucks lol

Written and edited by yours truly

So, Mulan 2020 happened. And I am disappointed. Seriously disappointed. It is utter garbage. I would genuinely prefer it if I watched Mulan II 5 times in a row, and that's saying something.

There is so much to talk about because this has so many issues. I don't think my brain can handle a movie as bad as this for some time. It is a disgrace to the original animated movie.

(Who cares about spoilers?)

And yes, I can and I will compare it to the original movie because it is a remake. It is totally valid to see where this fell flat and where the original succeeded. I'm not saying it has to be like the original cartoon, that is stupid. As I mentioned, it's to highlight the failures of this movie.

Besides, even if we forget the fact that it is a remake, this movie is still horrible.

INTRODUCTION

Mulan 1998 is a classic. It has great visuals, an awesome soundtrack, wonderful and compelling characters, a great message and a cool plot. It's just a great movie in general. It is an adaptation of The Ballad of Mulan, a Chinese legend. Both the legend and the animated movie are about a young girl named Mulan who disguises herself as a man to take her father's place in the army to fight back against an invasion.

As big of a success Mulan was, Chinese audiences thought some things were weird. For instance, having a dragon be a comic relief character, given that dragons are highly respected in Chinese culture. So of course, Disney decided to try another shot, claiming that they wanted to be more culturally sensitive, accurate and closer to the original ballad.

Mulan 2020 is a remake of the original animated movie, and was marketed to be more "accurate to Chinese culture and the Ballad". This claim is, of course, false, because they failed in that aspect. Say what you will about the cultural inaccuracies in Mulan 1998, but at least it was a great movie. Besides, Mulan 1998 didn't pride or market itself on being culturally accurate, the way Mulan 2020 did, so there's that.

CHANGES

I don't mind some changes. And honestly, if there's one thing I appreciate, it's that it isn't a carbon copy of the original (looking at you The Lion King 2019).

Li Shang's character is divided into two characters: Commander Tung and Mulan's love interest Honghui, apparently in light of the Me-Too movement. This is a dumb reason. Disney wasn't comfortable with a superior having a relationship with a subordinate? The hell? The romance between Shang and Mulan was only insinuated at the end, when Mulan wasn't even a part of the army anymore, so there's that. Also, Mulan gave her consent, so I don't know what they’re talking about.

Mushu isn't present in the movie. I can see why though. He contributed quite a bit to the soul of the animated version but a CGI dragon would be very distracting. Also, the director said that removed him to achieve a more realistic tone.

Grandma? No grandma. Mulan has a sister though, who only exists to mess stuff up.

The Huns are replaced with the Rourans and Shan Yu is replaced with Bori Khan.

Mushu is replaced with a phoenix, who acts as an emissary for the ancestors

There are no songs, except in the end credits, which isn't a bad thing. The instrumentals of the songs in the animated one play during some scenes (I'll talk about the music, don’t worry)

CHARACTERS

The characters in this movie are so boring. Our lead character Mulan lacks the charisma her animated counterpart had. She's utterly bland, uninteresting and poorly written. In the original, she knew she wasn't physically strong and that she couldn't solve her problems with her strength, so she used her intelligence and wit. She excelled by working hard and being strong willed and determined. This Mulan is a well rounded character.

Mulan in the live action is given Chi powers (Chi is a big part of Chinese medicine, in case you didn't know). Honestly, I wouldn't be as mad at Mulan being given superpowers, had they actually done this properly! Chi isn't like midichlorians, it's something that flows through everyone. Mulan is naturally born with dumb superpowers and has to hide them because as her dad says, " Chi is for warriors, not for daughters”. There is a problem:

It has been mentioned many times that Mulan needs to hide her superpowers otherwise she will be shunned and ostracised. Then why doesn't she get more repercussions everytime she uses her powers? The worst thing that happens is little Mulan getting looks of disgust when she uses them. On other occasions, when she is now a part of the army, she uses her powers in training and she doesn't get any backlash? What the hell?? Then why even bother in the first place?

The only way for this narrative to work is if Mulan got more repercussions for using her powers.

If I were to make the line "Chi is for warriors, not daughters," work, I would make it go something like this:

*At the end of the movie when Mulan comes home*

Dad: Didn't I tell you that Chi is for warriors, not daughters?

Mulan: "I am a daughter, but I'm a warrior too."

(Yes, I know this is similar to a scene in Avatar: The Last Airbender, but this would be better, tbh. Also, watch Avatar: The Last Airbender)

Let me compare the training montages from both movies.

In the animated one, there is an absolutely AWESOME montage of Mulan training side by side with her companions, slowly gaining their trust. She climbs the pillar with both medallions by using her wit, not by brute force. This Mulan worked hard. Besides, the fact that "I'll Make A Man Out Of You" plays over this is the only thing that makes it better (banger song, thank you Donny Osmond)

In the live-action, Mulan is supposed to lift up buckets and climb on top of a mountain. There are also other training scenes, but those aren't very important. In these scenes, she succeeds with the power of CHI. WHY? Mulan here just achieves her goal because she is oh so special. She didn't work to achieve her goal at all, because she is perfect. No struggling or development here at all.

Mulan in the animated version was more concerned about saving her father. Mulan in the 2020 version is a dumb patriot who can't even do patriotism right ("I know my place. It is my duty to fight for the kingdom and protect the Emperor") How very empowering.

In short, live-action Mulan can do no wrong. She has no flaws, no personality and no charm. Everything comes to her pretty easily, because MAGIC.

Li Shang's role in the live-action is divided between Commander Tung and Mulan's love interest Honghui, as mentioned before. Both of these characters are flat, dumb and boring. Tung exists to tell Mulan to cultivate her Chi and to train these idiots (and to offer his daughter’s hand in marriage to her, unaware that Mulan isn’t actually a guy, but eh). Honghui is there to be a stupid love interest, who gives us an “I am Spartacus” moment.

The witch is by far the most interesting character. She actually has more than one side to her, has SOME kind of depth and you can even feel sorry for her. She is supposed to serve as a foil to Mulan, given that both have similar powers. In case you've forgotten (which is something I wouldn't blame you for), she's an outcast who's now working with Bori Khan. Why is she an outcast? Because of her Chi. The witch has said many times that she could kill Bori Khan in a snap, then why doesn't she kill him? Because she needs acceptance? What the hell? She decides to pull out the whole "We're the same, you and I," stupidity to Mulan, and I can see that. It's just that the writers just didn't put much thought into it. “It’s too late for me” because you saw a woman leading an army of men? Also, why does she warn Mulan that Bori Khan is coming? Unless she's playing both sides, except her motivations aren't made clear enough for this to make sense. Finally, she dies for the dumbest reason. God, it just makes me so mad. She had so much potential, but no. They just had to mess her up.

Bori Khan? MORE LIKE BORING KHAN. Not much is there. His animated counterpart Shan Yu was scary and contributed to some of the darkest moments in the movie. This guy over here is just...nothing. That's all I have to say.

Mulan's sister is only there to mess up the meeting with the Matchmaker. What a stupid change. First off in the animated version, it's Mulan who messed up, because she isn't perfect. She fails at being stereotypically feminine AND masculine, but in the live-action, she literally pulls off a Spiderman cafeteria scene, and the blame is put on the sister. In the animated movie, this scene is groundwork for Mulan wanting to prove herself and going on a hero's journey, providing depth to her character, but in the live-action, she's perfect. What is the point? (I know this section was supposed to be about the sister, but eh). The sister doesn't provide anything else to the movie, so thanks! I hate it. Moral of the story: Girls can do anything boys can, as long as they have superpowers. If you are born special like Mulan, you can be respected, whereas if you are like the sister, you have no significance and in the end, you can just fit in and be irrelevant. Congratulations!

The live action group of guys Mulan met and befriended in the army lack the charm and comedic timing of their animated counterparts. That’s it. Seriously. I have nothing more to say about them, because they don't really have anything going on. I don't even know why they are included, because their contribution is nil, save for them blandly speaking lines from the animated version’s songs ("I don't care what she looks like, I care what she cooks like"), which is seriously cringe.

The dad is there to tell Mulan that Chi is for warriors. A shame, because I really liked the dad in the movie. He was a source of wisdom for Mulan, whose greatest honour was having her for a daughter. In the live-action, he just takes the sword that Mulan is given at the end of the movie. The mom is meh.

The emperor is also meh. At least he was wise and cool in the animated version, but here he just does bed sheet kung-fu.

Did I mention that the dynamics between the characters are unnatural, forced, awkward in a bad way and in no way indicates any chemistry between them? Oh yeah, I didn’t, until now. They don’t establish much when it comes to emotion.

Simply put, Khan (Mulan’s horse in the animated version) had more personality than all of these characters combined

PERFORMANCES

Liu Yifei as Mulan was a pretty terrible choice. She is just a block of wood, who has absolutely no range, and this isn't because of the writing. She is genuinely bad, and is regarded as one of China’s worst actors (I kid you not). She just can’t emote.

Jet Li as the emperor is meh. But hey, he doesn’t have much to do, so eh.

Jason Scott Lee as Bori Khan is fine. He doesn’t suck, but he lacks the command and authority of a character who is supposed to be intimidating, but I guess it has something to do with the writing of his character.

Donnie Yen is a martial art legend, but unfortunately, he doesn't have much range as an actor.

The best performance of this movie is that of Gong Li, who played the witch. Honestly, she is charismatic, charming and has an idea of what she is doing.

To save everyone’s time, simply put: most of the performances are bland and mediocre. Partly due to bad writing and partly due to most of the actors not being, well, good at acting.

CULTURAL AND HISTORICAL ACCURACY

So Disney went all “we like cultural and historical accuracy”, which is nice. For example, the Huns are replaced by the Rourans, a real tribe in China around the time Mulan was supposed to be alive. They also removed the hair cutting scene, because as iconic and awesome as it is, it doesn’t make sense. Chinese men wore their hair long too. You know what? I like these kinds of changes. I appreciate accuracy. If only Disney didn’t pride themselves on their accuracy when they got almost everything else wrong (They somehow got Mulan's house wrong lol). I don't know jackshit about Chinese culture so just go watch that Xiran Jay Zhao video it's very swag

THE BALLAD OF MULAN

In a surprising turn of events, this isn't accurate to the Ballad, like they had marketed it to be (I know, I’m shocked too). In a reference to the Ballad, Mulan is riding a horse and she sees two rabbits running side by side. She goes home and tells her family that she saw 2 rabbits, and she thinks that one was male and the other female, but she wasn't sure. This just misses the entire point of the Ballad.

Long story short, Mulan in the Ballad is actually a seamstress. She joined the army in her father's place. She defeats the barbarians and goes on a ten year long campaign with her friends, after which they meet the Son of Heaven (a sacred imperial title of a Chinese emperor). He offers her a high ranking position, which she refuses, because she just wants to go home. She returns home and her family welcomes her. Sometime later, her friends come to visit her, and they find out that she is actually a woman. The friends are shocked because she has been in the army for 12 years and in those 12 years, they didn't even realise that she was a woman.

Mulan then replies:

The male hare's feet hop and skip

The female hare's are muddled and fuddled

But when two hares are running side by side

How can you tell the male from the female?

Which is where the poem ends.

So, Mulan just going on, judging those rabbits like that makes absolutely no sense. The Ballad is about how no matter how different men and women look, when they live and fight amongst each other, who gives a damn about the differences? You know what would have made sense though? If Mulan got off her horse, went close to the rabbits, examined them, and then made the conclusion that one is male and the other is female. This would actually be sticking to the message of the Ballad. Also, why do they make it ambiguous as to whether she accepts the high ranking position? I assume for a sequel (yes, God save my soul). Here we can see another example of its impeccable accuracy to the Ballad.

THIS ISN'T EMOTIONAL AT ALL

Everything that made the original film good has been stripped away. Every moment that is meant to be emotional is very dull. For example, the scene where Mulan makes the decision to take her father's place in the army is supposed to be a very powerful scene. Mulan is risking it all just so her dad can be safe. She might be killed if discovered, and her family would be dishonoured.

When Mulan comes back from the Matchmaker, she has a moment of reflection while singing "Reflection". This is the beginning of her personal journey, discovering who she is. In this, after Mulan comes back from the Matchmaker, she doesn't have a moment of reflection. The army immediately shows up. Am I really supposed to believe that Mulan feels bad about this? That Mulan is really struggling?

When Mulan’s friends are singing, it suddenly shifts to the striking scene of the burnt village. This, in my opinion, is the best use of tonal whiplash. From this point on, things are getting serious, and the emotional weight of this tragedy is felt. In this, they just randomly show up at the village.​​ There is no seriousness (stop trying to tell me this movie is adult, mature and serious, it just looks like that on the surface).

Their attempts at being emotional are poor and unconvincing, and ultimately, the end product is an emotionless, soulless, depthless entity.

THE MUSIC

The director mentioned in an interview that she didn’t add songs into the movie because it is “unrealistic to break into song when you're in war”, and I don't think I’ve heard anything more false (apart from the concept of a flat Earth). Even I, who isn't going into war anytime soon, know this is false. They instead inserted instrumentals from the original film. Except, it's very weirdly placed. The instrumental for Reflection is placed when Mulan is fighting the Rourans after she reveals herself to be a woman. Like, there isn't any context. In the end credits, they had the original song "Loyal, Brave and True" sung by Christina Aguilera, which was nice. I don't really have much to say in regards to the music. The music is overall forgettable.

THE ACTION

The action may seem weird, but this kind of martial arts is a part of the Wuxia genre, which is what they were going for. Well, they failed. The choreography is bad, the CGI is bad, EVERYTHING is bad. Honestly, if you want a good Wuxia movie, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon exists. The action is here stupid and stiff.

OTHER DUMB STUFF

Why does Mulan take her armour off before going into battle? That is just stupid. Can't you just take the bindings off? Also, WHY OPEN YOUR HAIR-

Mulan really likes kicking spears (and pointy stuff in general). Seriously. It’s weird.

The CGI is okay I guess, I don't know. The phoenix in some scenes looks pink to me. There are some pretty visuals though.

It is very obvious that there is a green screen used in the scene where Mulan and her friends find the burnt village. And it looks bad. Pretty ugly. It looks bad. The green screen looks bad.

The war strategy is just weird. I can't really say anything about it in text form because how am i supposed to describe it, help- (she literally teleported behind the bad guys in the avalanche scene-).

I like how the animated film, which had a dragon as a comic relief and other silly stuff, is more mature than this.

For what joy does Mulan get another sword from the army? Also, shame the dad is all “oh look at the values written on the sword, they are honourable” even though in the original the greatest honour was having her for a daughter.

How was Mulan even able to tell the gender of the rabbits?

Why not just try to send a warning to the Emperor that the Rourans are coming to get him?

Why does Commander Tung let Mulan lead them-

I AM SO DONE

Well, I think I have said everything I wanted to about this movie. I know I havent talked about its controversies but honestly, I am done. I am so done with this. This document took 5-6 months of my life. I am kind of proud of this, and there isn't much I have done to be proud of. I did procrastinate on this a bit, and I had stuff going on, but finally, I am done. In the future, if I remember something, I'll add it here, but I think that is unlikely. I never want to watch or even go near Mulan 2020 again. It's horrible, and there is barely anything redeemable. I hate it here. It’s been reported that a sequel is in development. If it’s true, of course I’ll watch it, how else am I supposed to validate my self hate? I am also, of course, the resident “friend who suffers for everyone else’s entertainment”. If you want a live action remake of Mulan, Mulan: Rise of a Warrior exists. Go watch it, it’s free on YouTube with subtitles. I really liked it.

If you’ve somehow made it this far, thanks for reading. I congratulate you for putting up with whatever this is. I would also like to take a moment to congratulate myself for actually committing to this. It was painful yet fun to complain about this to the best of my ability. If anyone wants to add anything to this, feel free to do so. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m out. I have lost my faith in humanity, and I have other things to complain about.

[chirpycloudyrobin]

about to do something really fucking funny (make my own interpretation of what happened between qingheng-jun and madam lan that would require me doing extensive research on the sociopolitical history and interactions between the xianbei people, the rouran people, and the han chinese people, and which would also explain why lwj was always noted to have light eyes compared to the other characters whose eye colours were almost never mentioned or pointed out)

[sinofhearts]

???

a/n: honestly i struggle to express my thoughts in a way that resonates with others. therefore writing is a challenge, for i have to keep in mind the reader. however, sharing this short story, i hope someone might find comfort in it like i did. also... i need a name for this. also... not proofread. pairing: pantalone(rouran) x fem!reader warnings: suicide. major character death. synopsis: the morning after an argument between a husband and a wife. she was standing on the precipice, her mind already made up. he wanted nothing more than to change her mind. yet even in that, he had failed her. wordcount: 2008

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It was a decision made on a whim. But she was quick to follow it. yes, yes. i am in the right mind. this is the right way. the only way. She watched the wide expansion of the ocean on the horizon and she pondered, no longer. Her glass house, as a figure of speech, was crumbling. She shouldn't have thrown all those rocks. She was quickly on her feet, not bothering for shoes nor a coat as she walked into the large main hall, in a quick pace that conveyed she had a purpose. It was determination driving her forward. She opened the wooden double doors of the mansion, ignoring the way the guards gawked at their lady in her nightgown. yes, yes. a purpose! i have a purpose. She didn't pay their questions any mind as she stepped down the snow covered road. Her pace was quick, determined. The cold sznezhnayaian winter air was biting at her skin but it hardly slowed her down. No, she didn't even feel it. No, there was nothing she felt but determination. Her mind was made up. Not even the cold snow under her feet could stop her now. but oh, it was snowing again, how ethereal.

She only stopped once she had reached her destination, yet her determination didn't quell. She stood motionless and in silence at the edge of the precipice. Another indistinct moment passed. She spent it watching the raging tides below. it feels peaceful. yes peaceful. for it might look painful but that does not matter. there is peace in its agony. yes i see it clearly. with my own eyes. peace. just out of reach. He was just passing by the main hall, on his way to the study, after the night he had spent sleeplessly, in solitary silence. He spotted her and a wave of panic surged through his very being. For the feeling in the pit of his stomach was a sudden burning sensation, that foretold impending doom. Why, you ask? He didn't know. But he had to follow. There was no doubt. He was out the doors before he himself was able to fully process his intentions. He pursued her footsteps in the fresh powdery snow urgently, his heart racing in his chest. But still, he did not understand why.  He only halted in his tracks when he spotted her, his heart by now a wildly hammering drum. He approached slowly, carefully, fearing she could hear his drumming. she's too close to the edge. to close for comfort. Yet he failed to consider if maybe she found comfort in that. His voice was strained yet he tried to compose himself as he questioned her. "What are you doing, love?" She had looked away from the tides, her eyes puffy and red from last night's ordeal, as they met his. Yet he couldn't find a single hint of emotion in them. Nothing at all, to be precise. Even when she gave him a gentle smile, she was utterly devoid of them. "It's snowing, you see?" She asked seemingly carefree, as she disregarded his words, and using her open palm, caught a snowflake in it. She observed its fleeting beauty for a moment before it inevitably melted against her skin. No proof of its trifling existence remained. He watched her in silence. She confused him, but that didn't strike him as unusual or original. But the way she smiled yet didn't, did. "I can see that," He replied, his voice strong, yet laced with fear. He took a step closer, his eyes never leaving her petite frame. His hand yearned to reach out and pull her back. Away from the edge. Away from the peril. "Step away from the edge, darling" He urged instead. "The edge?" She repeated his words in return, almost sounding confused. She looked behind her shortly, then back at him. But the way he had oh so slowly inched closer didn't go unnoticed and with little room left, she still took another step back. It was enough to freeze him on the spot, and unbeknownst to her, his heart skipped a beat when her feet shuffled away from him. Yet he seized her with a smile. "What is the meaning of this, love?" His voice was characteristically calm and composed. Yet his hands trembled as he fought the urge to rush forward and pull her into his arms. He was afraid, oh so very afraid, of what she might do. "Hey, Rouran," She had called, using his real name. "Do you remember? It was snowing back then too. When we got married I mean" She thought of that fateful day for a moment, the image of his smug and confident smile flashing before her as she blinked slowly. She thought of the snow. how fitting that it was snowing today too. He was taken aback by the sound of his real name on your lips. It felt so intimate, and yet so foreign. When she mentioned that day, a flash of her shy smile appeared in his mind as she stood across from him, radiant and enchanting in her white dress. 

how ironic. He looked at her now, standing across from him in this moment, in her white nightgown and her brilliance dulled to the husk shell she embodied. 

"Of course I remember, love. It's been almost 4 years now. Time really is a fleeting concept" For a while she didn't say anything in return. "I'm sorry i wasn't the wife you wanted me to be" Was what she had decided on after the long stretch of silence. wasn't. why wasn't? He wanted to step closer, to reach out and touch her, to reassure her. But he was afraid of what you would do if he did. "You were more than enough, my love" he insisted, his voice unwavering as he spoke to her. "You still are." He said so effortlessly. "I was never enough. I will never be enough. " she spoke her own words, looking away and across the wide ocean. The sun was hidden behind thick wide clouds and it was still snowing. so ethereally. "That's not true. You are enough. You've always been enough," he insisted, his voice firm. "Look at me, love. Look at me, not at the ocean." It almost sounded like a plea, yet his composure hardly wavered. A hint of desperation had filled his tone. "Hey," she started again but then her lips fell silent for a moment. "I loved you" she said, not looking at him, and he knew her expressionless eyes wouldn't make a difference. "When i said i hated you, i meant to say i love you" she corrected. "You didn't understand that, did you?" A hypocritical accusation for she didn't even understand herself. The admission of her love and hatred, combined in a way that was so quintessentially her. He could only stare at her, unable to speak for just a moment. "No... I didn't understand," he eventually confessed. "How could I have known? You never showed me you loved me" She had to agree. His words held truth. "That's true. I didn't know that i loved you until last night" she hummed, the memory of her tears, her pain, her raw emotions, not a painful one anymore. She didn't feel anything. He was hit with the almost painful realization that she had only understood her feelings for him after he had shattered her heart last night. It was a bitter pill to swallow. One he refused to swallow. He pushed the feeling of guilt aside. "Is that why we're here, love? If that's all we might as well head back home. It is rather chilly after all" She looked back at him. "No" She had answered shortly, plainly, her lips lifted upwards in a gentle smile, that held no meaning. "I don't feel that love anymore. I don't feel anything at all" i don't love you anymore. yes, it's the truth. "So, we're standing here just because you're feeling numb? love, i'll have the doctor fix you something for that" he probed yet offered a plausible solution, his voice gentle, trying to understand her detachment. "Just because..." She repeated his words back to him. "Yes, just because" She confirmed, after mere seconds, not having to think about it. Not having the capability to think about it anymore. He absorbed her answer and sighed. "Let us head back for now. We can work this out." He knew it was a lie. Deep down, he knew he had broken her beyond repair. "Rouran," she said his name again. "Did you ever love me?" He knew he couldn't lie. Not now. But he wanted to lie. Oh it was so tempting to tell her what it is that she wanted to hear. To say that he had loved her from the very start, that he had cherished her. But he couldn't do it. "No. No, I never loved you. I don't think I was ever capable of loving you." There was no reaction from her. Apart from her already dead, unchanging eyes, looking back at him, like that of an animal that was hunted for survival and skinned. "It doesn't hurt" She said eventually, with an unwavering but soft voice. "I thought it might hurt. To hear you say it" There were no tears, no outburst, nothing. It was as if she had completely disassociated herself. From him. From everything. "It doesn't?" He repeated, his voice holding an edge of surprise, uncertainty even. "I feel oddly at peace" she said, looking at the horizon in the distance. It stretched across the ocean, yet you could hardly tell it apart.

He seemed to have undergone a sudden transformation, his eyes wide in shock. "Wait, wait, love. What is it you're planning?" His voice was shaky as he spoke. "Come back to me, darling." He had yet another urge to run closer, to grab her, to pull her back. But he was frozen in place, his fear outweighing his rationality."Why..." she looked at him, her previous smile faltering. "If you don't love me, never loved me, then why?" It was a simple, yet complex question. He had no answer. Why was he here? What was that feeling earlier? Burning his insides. He felt like it would have consumed him if he didn't follow her. Yet if he really hadn't ever loved her, why did it matter to him what she did? "Because I care about you," he said, his voice cracking. "Huh" that was the last thing she said before she smiled at him, and took the last step. The final step. It wasn't painful, there was no regret, as she fell for far too long. There was only eternal slumber and oh, how she had longed for it, unknowingly, all those years she had spent by his side. She hoped with her last thought that he would come to understand himself better. For she realized, he couldn't understand her, because he couldn't understand himself.  Time seemed to freeze as his heart felt like it had stopped. He couldn't bring himself to move, to look. He had been too late, too slow. Realization dawned on him. And the pain in his heart, he's never felt anything like it before. Was it physical pain? A heart attack maybe? He grabbed his robs in place of his heart, squeezing hard to ease the torment, the suffering, yet it never did stop. He was unable to comprehend the enormity of his loss, the regret of his actions, the realization of his own shortcomings. He stood there, alone, panting painfully, the cold wind biting at his face, and he felt his heart had died with her. 

It was still snowing. So ethereal yet paired with such a painful memory that would no doubt continuously torment him.  Her words, Her pain. 

For he couldn't think of many happy memories he had with her.  For he never made any. 

And well, when did it ever not snow in Snezhnaya?

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a/n: thank you for indulging my escapism.

[xuexishijian]

The Ballad of Mulan: 木兰诗 mù lán shī

I was curious about what the original story was like, so I looked up (a version of) the original text. It was really interesting and eye-opening because (unsurprisingly?) it's nothing like the Disney movie(s). The only real similarity is the premise: a young woman with no older brother takes her elderly father's place in the war draft. Apart from that, about every other detail is different:

Mulan has siblings: an older sister and a younger brother.

The ruler of this kingdom is referred to as the Khan/Khagan (可汗) and as the Son of Heaven (天子), titles used together for the emperors of the Northern Wei Dynasty (北魏 386–535 CE).

Mulan is never discovered to be a woman during her time in the army, spending 12 years there.

The enemy is never specified explicitly, though historically this may have been the Rouran (柔然) in present-day Inner Mongolia (内蒙古). Places that Mulan passes include the Yellow River (黄河), the Black Mountain (黑山, thought to be southeast of Huhhot 呼和浩特, Inner Mongolia), and the Yan Mountain (燕山, referring to either the 阴山 Yīn mountains of Inner Mongolia or the 燕然山 Yānrán mountains of Mongolia 蒙古).

The description of her journey is much longer and more colorful than anything about the war itself, providing imagery and parallel structure that differs from the rest of the poem.

On the soldiers' return, the emperor offers Mulan a government position (尚书郎), which she turns down, asking only for a 明驼 to return her home across the 万里 that separated her from her family. I wasn't sure if this "camel" was to be taken literally; translations I found differed on whether this was a camel, a horse, or some magical version of these which traveled at incredible speed.

The soldiers only discover that Mulan is a woman when she returns home, changing back into her old clothing (旧时裳), pulling her hair back into a feminine style, and applying makeup. I found it curious just how quickly she readjusted to her old life.

The last lines of the poem were also really beautiful and spoke to me in a queer way. It says that when you see a pair of rabbits, male and female, running together, side by side, how can you tell them apart?

雄兔脚扑朔，雌兔眼迷离，双兔傍地走，安能辨我是雄雌？

These lines include a chengyu, 扑朔迷离, meaning "complicated, confusing," which originally comes from this passage, referring to the difficulty in telling apart the male and female rabbits. "The male's foot is twitching, the female's eyes are squinted, blurry," but these small differences aren't noticeable from afar or when the rabbits are in motion. Though you might eventually be able to pick out some small details regarding the sexes of the rabbits, in the end it doesn't really matter. To the hunter, for instance, these are both simply targets; their sex is inconsequential.

For Mulan, in her role in the army, it didn't matter that she wasn't a man; she completed her tasks regardless. (And not only did she complete them, she earned recognition from the emperor for her work.)

Transphobes online may waste hours picking apart the details of people's bodies that they deem gender variant, but in the end, in many cases, people simply don't care whether the rabbit has twitchy feet or squinted eyes or whatever else. A rabbit is a rabbit, and our genders are rarely, if ever, consequential enough to the task at hand to merit such scrutiny.

安能辩我是雄雌？你到底为什么要知道？