#SEPTEMBER? AM I FUCKING BLIND?

[imaginationteashop]

where are you?????? are you alive???? breathing????

What a good question. I have no idea when you sent this.

[rustedhearts]

trouble (boxer!steve harrington x fem!librarian reader)

summary: the morning after a fight brings comfort and longing to you and steve.

uses she/her pronouns and female anatomy.

✶ the king of the ring (1989) ✶ main masterlist

tags: angry!steve again :); violence; verbal argument; angst; hurt/comfort; I did not edit this so ignore any mistakes.

hawkins, indiana. september 1990.

The dawn was quiet. Soft: a blended stroke of amber through pale blue across the sky. The interruption of tree limbs came with bright yellow leaves, changed by the cool breeze and autumnal warning. Somewhere beyond the glass you peered through, a crow cawed. In the parking lot below, a car engine shuddered alive.

The dawn was quiet, but the dusk was deafening.

The hiss and click of Steve’s lighter caused you to turn your head. And there he was: rolling into a seated position on the edge of the bed, dipping the mattress with shifted weight. In the swirl of blended lights, his bare back still held the tint of a late summer bronze. Speckled with beauty spots and the indigo, spiderwebbed haloes of burst blood vessels. Bruises from fights he never lost, but fights you wished he wouldn’t pick. The familiar haze of cigarette smoke settled into the room, paired with the potent tobacco sent you’d come to know all too well.

“What do you expect of me, huh? I’m not some fuckin’ punk, Libby, I won’t put up with that shit.”

“I’m not asking you to! But you didn’t need to do that—you don’t need to fight everyone!”

Steve’s shoulders hunched with exhaustion, hands slow to pull the cigarette away. A steady plume of smoke exhumed from his lips toward the bedroom door. His sheets were soft around your body, recently washed this past weekend. You’d spent those two days tangled together in the confines of this tiny apartment, enraptured with each other. The past few months felt like a lifetime. You latched onto each other like magnets, and now you couldn’t let go.

Not even when he broke your heart.

“Jesus, you need to stop pretending you’re such a fuckin' saint.

“You need to stop acting like I’m the bad guy for calling you out.”

Steve’s legs swished over the sheets, cotton rustling with the strained shift of his body in an attempt to straighten his posture. The flex of muscles came with a visible wince, a quiet hiss he hoped you were too unconscious to hear. Even with your alertness unbeknownst to him, he did his best to hide his sounds. Always the tough guy, always the man. He could never be soft, never gentle or real. Pain was weakness.

His hand came to cradle the welt festering on his ribs, but it twitched away to rub his eyes. You knew a migraine must’ve been collecting behind them and pounding in his head. He took another drag of his Marlboro and sighed it out.

“Because it’s me, right? I’m the bad guy? If you’re so embarrassed to be with me, why are you?”

“I’m not embarrassed to be with you, Steve. God, don’t you know how much I care about you?”

“Don’t you see that’s what this is all about? I mean—fuck’s sake, never-mind.”

Gently stirring, you turned onto your side away from the window, toward Steve. His profile appeared when he moved his head an inch; the bridge of his nose swollen and pink. His lashes fluttered in acknowledgement for your consciousness. His cheeks hollowed around the cigarette again, and the smoke streamed out of his nose. You tucked your hand beneath your cheek and watched him quietly.

Neither speaking a word, but both waiting.

“No, talk to me. Say what you actually fucking mean for once, please! But don’t you dare say you did this for me.”

“Then who the fuck do you think I did it for? All I want is to protect you. It’s—“

“All you do is fight! You can protect me without being so violent.”

“That’s who I am, honey. If you don’t like it, then fucking leave.”

You knew somewhere in the parking lot lied the contents of your purse, burst open by the impact of it hitting Steve’s back in a moment of blind rage when he just wouldn’t listen. Steve only ever saw things his way. He couldn’t understand that maybe you just wanted him to be okay. Maybe you just didn’t want to see him lose himself to the rush of another beating, or more blood and bruises and broken bones.

The coolness blowing outside settled into the room, seeping through the windows and cracks. You slid a little closer to the warmth of his body. Reaching out, letting your finger skate down his spine. His skin was soft, sprinkled with dark hair. His breathing stopped for just a minute at the delicacy of your touch.

“So that’s it? You’d rather throw this away than actually hear what I’m saying; than actually talk to me? Sometimes I wonder if you really wanna be with me, Steve, or if I’m just a pastime until your career takes off.”

“Are you—Jesus, it’s like you’re fuckin' blind. Don’t you see? Don’t you see that—“

“What? What? All I see is you getting into fights!”

“For you! I’m fighting for you, for fuck’s sake! To know you’re okay, to know you’re safe, to know you’re mine.”

Before Steve, you’d never known violence like this. You’ve been audience to few fights in your life, most childish and broken apart by school faculty. Boys rumbled behind the football field, shoved each other into lockers on the way back from gym. Once, a girl slapped another girl for stealing her boyfriend, but by the next week they were over it. It wasn’t until Steve came into your life that you knew how badly someone could bleed; how heavy hits could feel from the sidelines. How loud an uppercut was. How bad a rib could bruise, how much a nose could gush. How easily skin ripped apart.

Bottles shattered on the sidewalk, bar stools splintered by the weight of a grown man’s body. The gurgle of liquor spilling over the floor. The sputter of a mouth against a windpipe being squeezed. What it sounded like for someone to lose their two front teeth in the time it took to blink.

“This is the only way I know how to tell you how much I—that I—that I want—“

“Why can’t you say it, Steve? Hmm? Just look at me and say it.”

You could still see his face, eye swollen by a tattooed fist from the corner of the bar twenty minutes prior. Eyes welling, cheeks flushed pink, hands still balled together at his sides, black cotton tee soaked in beer and sweat. The night was cool and dark and everything blurred around Steve.

Even with your heart still racing from the fight he started, it wept only for Steve. It ached for him entirely.

“Don’t you know, angel?”

Pressing up on your palm, you closed the gap between your bodies on the bed. The sheets went with you, twisting around your thighs and waist as you pressed against his back. The smooth firmness of it was a welcome feeling. The warmth eased the stiffness in your limbs, arms circling around his middle to rid of any distance. Cheek against his shoulder, lip buried in his flesh, inhaling the musk of his bareness.

Steve sighed another stuttered breath.

“Know what, Steve?”

“That you’re mine. It’s me and you, and that’s how I want it to always be. Do you…don’t you want that?”

With the cigarette dangling from the corner of his lip, Steve slid his hand over your yours against his chest. Grateful for your touch, delighted by your smell. He let his head press back against your shoulder, and his eyes sink shut. He breathed in the sweetness of your recent slumber. He felt the warmth of your thighs, squeezing around his hips. Your lips left the softest wet ring on his skin, cooled by the breeze.

“I’m scared.”

You nuzzled your nose against his shoulder, exhaling a deep breath into his skin. You never wanted to be further from him than this, and you could’ve stayed there forever. Listening to each other’s heartbeats, containing each other’s bodies.

“Scared o’ what, baby? Don’t be scared.”

The crow cawed again. Another engine grumbled and faded into its morning route. A door slammed down the hall. The acidic stench of someone’s coffee seeped through the wall. Marlboro smoke tickled your nose, settled into your hair. His hand was rough around yours, skin callused and tough.

“M’ scared I’ll lose you. Trouble follows you wherever you go, and I…I’m worried it’ll get the best of you.”

His thumb rubbed gentle, mindless shapes into the back of your hand. You brought your chin to rest on his back, nose brushing the dark hair at the nape of his neck. It smelled like sweat, pillow-case-laundry-soap, and Steve.

And Steve always smelled like blood.

"You won't. You won't, baby—c'mon, don't cry."

Cigarette perched between his lips, held steady by that strong jaw, Steve raised a hand and searched behind him. His fingers grazed your hair, sweeping in a downward motion to stroke the back of your head and hold you close. He cupped your skull, pressed until your forehead met his own. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter and inhaled.

He never wanted to forget this feeling.

You drove home in silence last night. The rumble of his Harley deafening, your grip around his torso tight and unrelenting. The argument found second life in the complex parking lot, where more than one neighbor threatened to call the cops if you didn't keep it down. Steve directed the screaming toward them. You just wanted him to talk to you, to listen to you; to stop letting his fists do all the explaining.

Steve was quick to knock someone out for wolf-whistling, swift to blacken eyes for glancing your way too long—but when it came to telling you how he truly felt, he shut down. When it came to reassuring your worries, he became a stoic statue.

You crawled into bed heavy with exhaustion, peeled free of clothes and begrudgingly covered in your favorite of Steve's t-shirts: big, crisp white cotton, patterned with his favorite football team. It smelled like his cologne and a cigarette smoked on the balcony.

Turned separate ways, staring at opposite spaces of darkness, feeling anger and regret fizzle in your chests.

"I hate fighting with you."

"Me, too."

But something curdled around that raging, guilty fizzle. Something tender and achey, weepy like an open wound pulsing life. Something sweet and sweeping. Something unlike either of you had ever felt before.

Something like...love.

"We don't have t' fight."

Love bruised. Love sliced. Love terrified the pair of you equally; chilled you right down to the bone.

One of you terrified to love something so gentle and beautiful, so bright and wonderful.

The other terrified to love something so cruel, so boorish and cold.

"Yes we do."

Lifting your chin, you tipped your head aside to get a peek at Steve's face. Blank, but peaceful, he fell still with steady breath. You ran the side of your finger down his cheek gently, stroking the skin where stubble collected. His eyes peeped open, lashes brushing his brows where they furrowed contemplatively.

He gave you a moment to continue your stroking ministrations before turning his head aside. You passed him a lazy smile, noses brushing. His hand traveled to your thigh, rubbing the pudgy flesh appreciatively. You squeezed around him a little tighter. He inched his head a little closer. His breath tickled your lips. His cigarette was the size of a half-bitten stick of gum in his other hand. The ashes collected on the shag carpet, a few decades old. At this proximity, you could see all the different flecks of colors in his eyes.

There was nothing scary about him, or that weepy feeling in your chest.

"Eggs or pancakes?" you asked.

Steve inhaled, bringing the butt of the cigarette to his mouth for one last drag. It burned against your mouth. "Pancakes."

He smoked his second cigarette at the table, tapping his ashes into a porcelain mug and watching you flip pancakes in his shirt with a silent brood. He took his stack of pancakes with a kiss, deep and tender and full of tongue. He tugged you into his lap and fed you bites off his fork.

He spent the afternoon alternating his hand and head between your legs.

And when the sun went down, he took you to the Harley with his arm around your waist. He collected your strewn items from the asphalt and shoved them back into your purse, leaving the broken zipper open with a promise to replace. You swung your leg over the Harley seat and wound your arms around his waist.

You waited for the next moment he'd turn his words into fists.

[jaylver]

CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE — P.SH (TEASER!)

SYNOPSIS: Having a one night stand wasn’t your forte, but with the help of adrenaline, and most definitely not alcohol, you managed to rope yourself into one. Worst part of all was the fact that you didn’t even know his name! The only distinguishable part of him was his blinding white hair. You figured you will never see him again after, but you were so wrong. Your friend practically set you up for failure after convincing you to take her place on a blind date to try and drive the guy away, only for it to be the one you slept with, who also happened to be your mother’s best friend’s son that you met right before that. 

PAIRINGS: ice hockey player!sunghoon x afab!reader

GENRE: strangers to lovers, college sports au, romance, comedy, slice of life, angst

WARNING(S): profanities, slight violence, suggestive content (no smut), drinking, partying (subjected to change)

RELEASE DATE: (estimated) 8th September 2023 / (latest) 15th September 2023 / 11.30 pm GMT+8

AUTHOR NOTES: send in an ask/comment to be added to the ongoing taglist! will be closed before the release date (when i update it). after the last jayke fics being filled with angst, i've decided to go back to my roots and write something more light hearted.

TAGLIST (CLOSED!!!!!): @1800-beomgyu @yawnzshit @shinrjj @skzenhalove @taekwondoes @lalalalawon @ce1ight @enhacqke @winteringdream @strvlveera @rikisly @rikakhai @renchai @sievenderz @fariylixie0915 @enhastolemyheart @ckline35 @imhuh @yenqa @jayfrvr @tobiosbbyghorl @liikno @vizstars @kells5595 @addictedtohobi @rikisly @luvkpopp @delulu4-life @leep0ems @moonlighthoon @internet-folks @flwrshee @beansworldsstuff @bitehee @asyleums @luv4cheol @yur1a1 @dammit-jjk @kjrcrz @jhopesucker @enhaz1 @lilriswife4life

© jaylver all rights reserved.

THIS SHOULDN’T BE HAPPENING TO YOU NOW, BUT IT ACTUALLY WAS. 

Never in a million years would you have expected yourself in some random guy’s bed, naked and a throbbing head reminding you of last night's mistake. Blacked out, you were too drunk to even remember making a callous decision in fucking a guy’s name you couldn’t even remember now. Wow.

How did you even manage to bring yourself into this situation? Well, a frat party might explain it. Letting Wonyoung and Yunjin drag you to their favourite frat party was already the first mistake, but when you discovered good booze and consumed too much of it, you ended up wandering off and found a hot man, not turning back, instead you ventured into his bed. Horniness along with a pinch of alcohol could really cloud someone’s mind and awareness, unfortunately you could prove that fact since you were a victim of it. 

It was currently 4 am and the man you fucked last night was dead asleep with his back facing to you while on the other hand, you were wide awake, swallowing whatever information you got from last night. You remembered him as a charming, flirty, funny white headed man who had a big dic—heart—excuse you, that was equally respectful and polite. 

He was just as handsome, gorgeous and breathtaking as his personality. Bright eyes, pale skin that complimented his hair, a pair of dimples that had you swooning, and legs long enough to outshine a professional model. Hell, how was he not a model in the first place?

Whatever happened yesterday night stays in the depths of his bed. Period. Though you couldn't deny his … skills, and you wouldn't mind another night with him, yet something in you was rejecting the idea of seeing him again and determined to have him remain as a one night stand.

Frankly speaking, you didn't want to leave this bed of his at all. Was he a morning stay in bed cuddling type of person? You wouldn't know and you're scared to know. What if he kicks you out? You needed to save yourself the embarrassing walk of shame in the morning, so instead, you slowly slipped out of bed, making sure he was still sound asleep before scurrying out.

The clothes scattered on the floor were unsurprising. You picked up your undergarments and the skimpy black dress you wore, pulling it on quickly as if your life depended on it. You weren’t cold hearted enough to leave without saying nothing, that was too low. Taking the nearest piece of paper you could find, you wrote down a few words of farewell and thanked him for the night, cringing all while you wrote it. Gosh, this was shabby but it would have to do.

Rounding your things up, your handbag and phone in hand as you buckled your heels strap, you quietly and sneakily exited from his dorm room, thankfully no signs of his roommates were around. Now, the problem was walking back to your part of the dorms in the cold of the night. Exciting, wasn’t it?

The moment you got back, the dorm was silent and dark. Wonyoung was asleep in her room, but Yunjin was lying on the couch with her hair in a mess and you knew she was going to have the worst hangover in the morning. You crept past her sleeping figure and went into your own room, letting out a sigh of relief before dropping into the comforts of your bed. Never again.

. . . to be continued !

[justagalwhowrites]

Yearling - Ch. 34: Anything

You're left behind in Jackson when Joel goes on overnight patrol. A continuation of Yearling ch. 1-33 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Canon-typical violence. Smut :). No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ Only 

Length: 9.2k

A/N: We are heading into the final arc of Yearling and we are going to see some TLOU 2 OVERLAP again. There isn't any this chapter but there will be in this arc and here's how: a character from that game will be mentioned as will the spoiler-y incident from a few chapters ago. What happens plot wise in this arc is completely separate from the game and entirely original content BUT there is that character overlap and more specific mentions of the incident and the motives behind it. If you're trying to go in blind to season 2, it might be wise to step back. Feel free to send me a DM, I'm happy to answer any and all questions!

AO3 | Chapter One | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

September, 2013

The gunshot made you jump. 

It was distant but sharp, the crack jarring against the quiet of your cabin. Marisa’s head shot up from her book, a frown on her face in the flickering firelight. 

“Was that…” 

“Shhh,” you sat up from where you’d been lying against her, held a hand out to her, ear perked and listening. Another crack, a little louder this time. You set your book down and went to the front window, drawing the curtains and pinning them shut so no light from the fire would slip through. 

“What…” 

“Stay here,” you said, your heart pounding as you got your rifle off the wall. 

“You’re not going out there!” She shot up, her eyes wide. 

“Not gonna sit here and wait for whoever that is to show up at our door,” you replied, grabbing a flashlight, too. 

“Well, I’m going with you,” she said, going to get her gun, too. 

“No,” you said, grabbing a saddle bag with ammunition and turning to face her. 

“Yes, I am,” she narrowed her eyes at you but there was a tremble of fear in her voice, her rifle clutched tightly in her hand. 

“No,” you said quietly, reaching out and gently taking her face in your hand. “You’re not. You’re staying here to look after Savannah…” 

“But what if something happens to you?” Her eyes searched yours, wide and frantic. “You’re her mom, not me. I can’t be that for her like that, just… stay here, we’ll figure it out if they find us just…” 

“Not lettin’ them that close to the two of you, baby,” you said, brushing your thumb over the arch of her cheekbone. You kissed her gently. Her eyes were wet. “I’ll be back soon. But… if I’m not, take care of Savannah for me.” 

You didn’t wait for a response, going to jump on Nike, not bothering with a saddle. You were too afraid to take the time, you had to protect the people who had become your home. You couldn’t lose them, you couldn’t let anyone take them away, you had to make sure they were safe. 

There was another gunshot and you followed the sound, your heart racing, eventually finding a man with two infected nearly ripping him apart. You shot them quickly, the man’s fearful gasps loud in the night. 

“Fuck,” he panted as you turned on the flashlight, shining it around the nearby forest. You caught a glimpse of another infected on the ground about 20 feet away before turning the light on him. He was limp on the ground, his eyes wide. “I think I’m bit, I think… I think they got me.” 

You knelt beside him and looked at his exposed skin. There was a vicious bite on his hand, the flesh already looking sick and wrong and so like Justin’s bite all those years ago. 

You sighed. 

“Yeah, you are. I can make it quick for you, if you’d like. Can’t let you leave here, though. You can wait ’til you turn, if you’d rather.” 

He blinked a few times, staring up at the dark canopy of trees as moonlight filtered through the leaves. 

“Just do it,” he said, turning his eyes to you, cocking his head slightly. “Is it just you out here?” 

“Kind of,” you said. “Got my girlfriend, my daughter. No one else, though.” 

He looked back to the sky and nodded. 

“That’s good,” he said. “It’s hard, being alone. Been alone for a few months now, wife got bit back in June. Should’ve just ended it then, don’t know why I waited this long.” 

You nodded slowly. You understood that. You stood up again, rifle in your hand. The man’s eyes were still wide, looking up at the trees. 

“Here OK?” You asked. “Might be able to get you somewhere you can see the sky…” 

“No point,” he said, still staring up. “Just do it.” 

His eyes refocused, looking at you. 

“And thank you. Know it’s not easy.” 

You aimed the gun at his head and he went back to looking at the trees. 

“I’m sorry it’s endin’ like this,” you said. “Hope you get to be with your wife again.” 

“Yeah,” he whispered. “Me too.” 

You took a deep breath, pulled the trigger and he was gone. 

You stayed for a little while after, waiting to see if there were any clickers that would come for the noise you’d been making but none showed up. You realized you didn’t even know the man’s name. You were the last person he spoke to and you didn’t know his name. 

You cleaned the blood off your hands as best you could and made your way back home, Nike moving slowly through the trees and you didn’t rush her. When you opened the door, Marisa damn near knocked you down, you barely catching her as she threw herself at you. 

“You’re OK,” her voice was thick and wet and she clung to you for a moment before pulling back to look in your eyes. “I was so scared, I heard more gunshots, I didn’t know…” 

“I’m sorry, baby,” you said gently, kissing her, her lips plush and soft on yours. “Didn’t mean to scare you…” 

You got cleaned up and took her to bed and made her come on your fingers before she had to swallow the desperate sounds of your orgasm to keep from waking the baby. You held her close after, telling her what happened in the forest, that you’d go bury the body in the morning and do a check for infected, that she was safe here with you. 

“I think you’re the bravest person I’ve ever met,” she said quietly, toying with your fingers, her breath warm on your skin as she lay her head on your chest.

You scoffed. 

“Don’t feel very brave. I was scared shitless the whole time, thought my damn heart was going to beat out of my chest.” 

“Oh baby,” she whispered, adjusting so her face was over yours, the light of the moon making her dark skin glow. “That’s what makes you brave, that you’re scared and you do it anyway. You don’t let the fear own you. That’s why you’re going to make it through all this, I just know it.” 

You hummed, not really agreeing or disagreeing, just wanting her close again. She rested her head on your chest again and you gave her a squeeze, focusing on how she felt against you as she fell asleep. 

It didn’t really matter if it was bravery or not, you supposed. If it kept the people you loved most alive, you could push past the fear. Life wouldn’t matter without them, you would do anything if it meant it would protect them. 

Anything. 

May, 2028

“No way.” 

You cleaned the last of the gunk out from Shimmer’s back left hoof and set the pick down. 

“Bambi,” Ellie drew out your hame, whining it. “Please? I swear, I’ll owe you forever…” 

“I am not coming out to your dad for you,” you grabbed the file. “Absolutely not.” 

“But…” 

“Ellie,” you looked up to her as she perched on a stall in the barn. “No. That’s not something you just do for someone else. If you want Joel to know you’re gay you need to be the one to tell him, I can’t do that for you.” 

“But why not!” She pouted. “You already know and you get it and you can help him get it and…” 

“I’ll help you do it,” you cut her off. “I can be there when you tell him, I can intervene if he reacts badly - which he won’t - but I’m not doing it for you.” 

“That’s bullshit,” she huffed. “I don’t want to tell him…” 

“Then don’t,” you shrugged, finishing filing the hoof down and getting the next horseshoe ready to go on. “Live the rest of your life in the closet if that’s what you want to do.” 

“But that’s not what I want.” 

“Then tell him,” you shrugged again. “Those are your options, kiddo, hate to break it to you.” 

“You know, straight people don’t have to come out,” she kicked at the stall post. “This is dumb.” 

“That I can agree with,” you said. “But, unfortunately, that’s not the way the world works. If you want to be out, you need to come out. It sucks but that’s the way of things.” 

Ellie sighed and crossed her arms, leaning her head on the post at her back. 

“Do you really think I should?” She asked. 

You shrugged. 

“I think you have a father who loves you more than life itself,” you said. “And I think he’s also a man who has proven that he really does not care what a person’s sexuality is, given that he’s married to me. I think you should do what feels right but you should know that Joel is going to love you to pieces regardless.” 

She sighed again. 

“You’re right…” 

“Usually am.” 

She glared at you before going back to staring straight ahead. 

“I just don’t know why I’m so freaked out about it.” 

You shrugged.

“It’s a big deal. You’re telling him ‘hey this person you think I am? I’m actually different than that.’ It’s hard.” 

She considered you for a moment. 

“Did you come out to your parents?” She asked. 

You laughed. 

“No, I did not,” you said. “Never had the chance. I would have eventually, I think. But I was about your age when the world ended and it felt a lot safer to hide it from my parents when I was that age. I lived far away and they weren’t as… open to other ideas as Joel is.” 

Ellie scoffed. 

“I mean it,” you said. “They had a hard enough time handling the fact that I wanted to get thrown off horses for a living. They’d have had a hell of a time understanding why I was bringing a girl home for dinner. You know Joel ain’t that way. All he cares about is that you’re safe and happy. Everything else don’t really matter.” 

You finished shoeing Shimmer and set her hoof down. She twitched her tail and chuffed in response. 

“Can you at least tell Joel you gave me…” She scrunched her nose in disgust. “The talk?” 

You laughed a little. 

“Yeah, that I can do,” you said. “I’ll tell him I told you everything you need to know. Which is be smart about who you take your clothes off with and if a man ever tries anything, cut his dick off.” 

She barked a laugh. 

“Yeah, that I can handle,” she said. “I can’t believe he thought someone needed to talk to me about sex…” 

You were less surprised about that fact than Ellie, but then, you had the full context. 

You’d been watching Savvy and Kyle from what you hoped was a respectful distance, giving her the chance to fall for a boy in the way you always wanted her to be able to. But there was the other part of that, too. You knew what teenagers were like and, while Savvy knew about sex, you’d never given her the sex talk in the context of her being around boys. She had questions about seeing animals mating when she was a girl and you’d answered them and explained that humans worked much the same way. She’d scrunched her face in disgust and you laughed a little, not bothering to tell her that, one day, that was going to be damn near all she was interested in doing. 

But that had come with the knowledge that, in all likelihood, it would be years - if not decades - before she even had the opportunity to find someone she wanted to do that with. You figured you’d update things as she got older or when there was a person she was interested in. 

Now, the time had come. You just weren’t sure how ready you were for that. You’d gone to Joel for advice about it, feeling like you were flying particularly blind in this arena. 

“Shit, baby, been a long time since I’ve had that conversation,” he said as he traced abstract little patterns over your bare skin. “Tryin’ to even remember how I brought it up with Sarah now… My face was burnin’ up the whole time, that much I know.” 

“There were perks to being hermits,” you sighed, pressing yourself closer to him. “Didn’t have to worry about my kid getting knocked up as a teenager for one.” 

“Mmm,” Joel hummed in agreement. “Least she has boys to flirt with now.” 

“You say that like it’s a good thing,” you muttered but smiled against his skin all the same. 

“I can talk to her with you if you think it’ll help,” he said. 

“Let me give it a shot on my own,” you sighed. “See if she will actually listen to me. If she doesn’t, I’ll call in the reinforcements.” 

Savvy had, mercifully, been at least open to the conversation. 

“I already know this stuff, Mom,” she’d rolled her eyes, arms crossed as she sat on the couch.

“You know the biology of it,” you said. “But it’s… different. You’re older now, there are going to be feelings you have that you want to act on…” 

“Ugh!” She buried her face in the arm of the couch. “Please don’t!” 

“You’re young,” you said. “Too young to really understand the risks. Do you feel like you’re ready to raise a child?” 

“No!” She pulled her head up. “Obviously not!” 

“Then you shouldn’t be having sex right now,” you shrugged. “That’s the risk. Not to mention that there are a lot of emotions that come up when you do that with someone, it can complicate relationships and you’re too young to figure that out on your own…” 

“I’m not a baby,” she practically scowled at you. “I can handle emotions!” 

“I’m not saying you can’t,” you said gently. “I’m saying that adult relationships are complicated for adults and, as grown up as you might think you are, you’re still a kid. I understand that you might want to feel close with someone and, honestly, there’s not much I can do to stop you. But I want you to understand what you’re risking if you go that route and I want you to not let anyone pressure you into it, even if it’s someone you care about. OK?” 

“Alright, jeez!” She groaned. “Can we stop talking now? Please?” 

After that conversation, though, Joel became worried about how much time Ellie was spending with Jesse. 

“Never really thought about what she did or didn’t learn in the QZ,” Joel said gruffly that night when it was just the two of you. “What if she don’t know how to keep herself safe?” 

“I don’t think you have much to worry about,” you said, trying to avoid telling Joel exactly why he didn’t need to worry. 

“Would you be OK talkin’ with her for me?” He’d winced as he asked it. “Feel like you’re her mom, think she’d be a little more… receptive to it coming from another woman.” 

You’d said yes more to buy time than anything else. 

You weren’t thrilled about the idea of lying to your husband but you could tap dance around the truth of it well enough. At least, that’s what you were telling yourself. 

“While you’re trying to decide whether or not you want to tell your dad,” you said, getting up to lead Shimmer to her stall. “Think I’m going to call in that favor you owe me…” 

“What favor?” She demanded. “You’re not telling him for me!” 

“No,” you shook your head. “But I’m also not telling him that I didn’t give you the talk and he needs to do it himself…” 

“Jesus…” 

“So,” you continued. “Can I ask you to keep a closer eye on Savvy while Joel is out on patrol the next few days? She’s still… more comfortable talking with him than with me. Want to make sure she’s doin’ OK…” 

“Of course I will,” she said, relaxing a little. “You know, I still think…” 

“Ellie.” 

“I’m just saying!” She said. “I know she’s doing her best to move past shit, she really is, but it would be a lot easier if she knew what she was actually moving past, that’s all I’m saying.” 

“She’s getting there,” you said, giving Shimmer a scratch. “You don’t understand this yet but it’s hard when you know you can’t protect your child from everything. I can protect her from this.” 

“Whatever you say,” she rolled her eyes. “I’m going to the mess hall. As far as Joel knows, you’ve talked to me, right?” 

“Right,” you said. “Feel free to act all awkward and lay it on real thick…” 

“Alright, bye,” she rolled her eyes and stalked off and you laughed, watching her leave. 

It was good to see Ellie acting like she normally did. You knew she was worried about Joel going out on a longer patrol, too.

You were trying not to panic about it. It was time. Consciously, you knew that. He was ready for it, his body as healed as it would ever be. He still had a bit of a limp - one you knew he tried to disguise when he thought you were watching - but he was fully capable. You’d seen it on patrol with him the two times you’d gone, the second one thankfully far less eventful than the first. 

He’d since gone out just him and Tommy, never going too far from Jackson. It still made you nervous, even though he always came back whole and well. You always clung to him when he got back and he let you, holding you against him, a hand running soothingly up and down your spine as he did. 

But this was his first overnight patrol. He was going to be gone for a few days on a route that had been calm lately, you knew you didn’t have much reason to worry. That didn’t make it much easier. 

“What’s got those wheels turnin’?” 

Joel’s voice made you jump as you brushed Shimmer down in her stall. He was leaning against the entrance to the stable, arms crossed over his broad chest as he watched you, his denim shirt rolled up to his elbows. 

“Who said they were?” You asked, giving the horse a final brush before leaving the stall and walking up to your husband, your own arms crossed over your chest. He smiled and quirked his jaw, shaking his head ever so slightly. “What brings you here, cowboy?” 

“Tryin’ to get my wife all to myself for a bit,” he said. “Think I can entice you away from the mess hall for the evening?” 

“I dunno,” you stepped closer. “What’d you have in mind?” 

He shrugged. 

“Just have to see.” 

You laughed, dropping your arms and the pretense. 

“Lead the way.” 

He draped an arm around your shoulders and pulled you in to kiss your temple before walking slowly back to your house. When you stopped to think about it, it still struck you as funny that it was your house and that you thought of it that way and not as Joel’s place. But you did, it was the place you’d made your life together, feeling more like you belonged here than you had almost anywhere else you had ever lived. 

When you got in the door, there was a small bouquet of wildflowers in a glass in the middle of the kitchen table, a table that was set for dinner for two. You looked at him, brows raised in surprise. 

“What’s this?” 

He shrugged, a sly smile on his face. 

“Wanted a night in with my girl. Might have talked my way into a steak or two. Think you take yours… medium rare, right?” 

“Yeah,” you laughed. “I do.” 

“Well,” he pulled you in for a long, deep kiss. “Why don’t you go get cleaned up and when you’re done, there’ll be a medium-rare steak waitin’ here for ya.” 

“Think I can be convinced,” you smiled against his mouth before kissing him again. “Feel like you’re butterin’ me up or something here…” 

“Just tryin’ to make sure you remember why you’re married to me while I’m gone,” he said. “Try to keep you from getting too fed up with my shit…” You laughed and he smiled. “Go on so I can get this going, you’re too distracting standing this close.” 

You rolled your eyes but obeyed, going to shower and, instead of putting on jeans or sweats after, finding one of the dresses in your closet, one that Joel had never seen you in. You got your wet hair out of the way and went downstairs again, strangely aware of how the dress hugged your curves. 

Joel’s back was to you when you came in but the plates were on the table, steak and green beans and a pile of fresh potato chips on each one. 

“Are you kidding me?” You gaped at them. “You realize we’re already married, right? You don’t have to try this hard.” 

“Like tryin’ hard for you,” he turned around, glasses in hand, and his mouth fell open, blinking a few times in surprise. “Hot damn, baby…” 

“Shocking, know,” you smirked. 

“I ever tell you you’re the most beautiful goddamn thing I’ve ever seen?” He asked, setting a glass down at your place. “Now, let me feed you before I change my mind and try to pull that dress off right here in the kitchen.” 

Joel really did grill a mean steak. He’d even made the two of you whiskey cocktails with a recipe he’d gotten from Julie and, by the time dinner was done, you were pleasantly tipsy and full. 

“Where did you get the flowers?” You asked, trailing your fingertips over the tiny white blooms. 

“Might have gone outside for a bit,” he winced a little. You raised your eyebrows. “Not far, the kids in town sneak out that way all the time…” 

“Wait, what?” You gaped at him, practically jumping out of your seat. 

“Not Savvy and not Ellie,” he said quickly and you settled. “Made sure they know better. But lot of the other kids do. S’pretty out that way, have to take you sometime. Still owe you a trip to the lake. But, in the mean time…” he got up and offered you his hand, pulling you to your feet. “I’ve got someplace to take you tonight.” 

He led you to the living room, a nest of pillows and blankets and sleeping bags set up in front of the TV. 

“Just one second…” he turned the TV on, the opening sepia toned shot from Titanic on the screen. 

“Joel!” You gasped. “Where’d you even get this?” 

“Asked around,” he smiled. “Would’ve gone and hunted it down just to see you get all excited though.” 

You elbowed him lightly in the side and he laughed as the two of you settled into the pile on the floor, you in Joel’s arms with your head on his chest as his fingers trailed up and down the bare skin of your arm. 

The movie was just as good as the last time you’d seen it with Joel. Better, really, because you got to watch it pressed completely against his broad, strong body. But you could only really pay attention so long, twisting in his hold so you were looking at him and not the screen. 

“Know it ain’t exactly a date like before,” he said softly. “But… I do OK?” 

“Oh you blew past OK a while ago,” you laughed a little and he smiled. “This was… thank you, Joel.” 

“Course, baby,” he trailed his fingers over the outline of your face. “Gonna miss you when I’m out there.” 

“You could just not go,” you said. “Don’t think anyone’s holdin’ a gun to your head about it…” 

He laughed once, softly. 

“I know,” he said. “But… I do appreciate you lettin’ me go. I know it ain’t easy for you. Don’t blame you for it. But I’m feeling a lot more like myself since I’ve been patrollin’ again. I feel useful. I missed it. Thank you for letting me find that again.” 

Your eyes searched his. You couldn’t really argue that with him, not when he was being so damn open and honest about it. 

“Just need you to come home to me,” you said quietly. “You can have and do whatever you want, long as you come home.” 

“Long as you’re here to come home to?” He said. “I’m comin’ home. Every time.” 

He kissed you, gentle at first but deepening, until he was shoving your skirt around your waist and pulling your underwear down your legs. He sank into you, slow and firm, his breaths heavy and hot on your skin. You sank your fingers into is skin, holding him close and tight and the worries you had about clutching onto him too hard were far away. 

Joel kept his pace, his body so large and strong on top of and inside of yours. You could feel his heartbeat, his eyes locked on your own and you focused on how close he was to you, how you knew he was safe and whole like this. How you knew he wouldn’t lie to you, that he would do everything to come back home to you. Your body got tight and needy, the heat inside you pulling into the center of you and burning hotter and brighter with every desperate stroke. 

“You’re gettin’ close baby,” he pressed his mouth into your throat, nipping at the tender flesh there before soothing it with a brush of his tongue and a kiss. “Want you to come for me. Love makin’ you feel good, fuckin’ live for it…” 

“Promise it’s not the last time,” your voice was tight, too, the intensity of your orgasm crashing into the fear that you couldn’t seem to shake. 

“Promise,” he pulled back from you enough to look in your eyes again, his large hand coming to cradle the crown of your head. “Nothing’s keepin’ me from you, baby, nothin’, it’s OK, it’ll be OK, promise it will…” 

Your back arched, last ounces of tension gripping you for a moment before releasing in a forceful, desperate wave. 

“Fuck, there you are,” Joel panted, fucking you through it, never easing, chasing his own orgasm through yours. “Feel so good, so goddamn good, fuck, that’s it, keep comin’ for me, know you can…” 

As your own orgasm started to ease, his took hold, pressing himself deep inside and emptying himself into you there. 

Joel pulled himself from your fucked out body with a groan and collapsed beside you, immediately pulling you tightly to him as you gasped short, shaky breaths. 

“You’re OK,” he said gently, still breathing heavy himself. “I’ve got you, s’alright…” 

You buried your face in his neck and fought to catch your breath, focusing on his scent and the feel of him against your skin. 

“I’m sorry,” you said eventually. “I thought I was stronger than this but ever since… I can’t stop thinking about how close I came to never seeing you again and I just…” 

“I know,” he said gently, pulling away from you enough that you could see his face. “I know how you’re feeling. I feel it, too. But I need you to know that I mean it when I say I’m comin’ back. I am, baby.” 

You just nodded and focused on the feeling of him tracing the outline of your face in the dim light of the TV, his body close beside your own. He pressed a soft kiss into your lips, holding you closer as he did and staying close after he pulled away, so close that his nose brushed yours. You stayed like that, not bothering to turn to watch the movie let alone put in the second tape when the first one ended. Instead, you just memorized how he felt against you, how his eyes looked into your own, how his fingers found their familiar paths along your skin. 

You weren’t sure when you fell asleep but you were still entangled with him in the morning, his forehead against yours, his breaths easy and deep in sleep. You ran your fingers through his graying curls and his face tensed a little in his sleep before he adjusted, sliding down your body to bury his face against your chest. You just stroked his hair and held him there, the early morning light becoming pink with the sun. 

When you couldn’t avoid it any longer, you woke him reluctantly and the two of you made your way to the stables, your body tucked against his. He gave you a squeeze before separating from you, the two of you working together to get the horses ready to head out on patrol. You walked with the patrol to the front gate, Joel leading his horse by the reins instead of riding him so he could hold your hand on the way. 

“Be safe,” you said quietly as he faced you, every other horse on the other side of the wall now. 

“Promise,” he said gently, his large hand going to the back of your neck and holding you at just the right angle to press a gentle kiss to your lips. “Take care of yourself and our girls. Gimme somethin’ to come home to, OK?” 

You smiled a little. Like something was going to happen in Jackson. 

“Promise.” 

You watched the patrol leave until they were out of sight, trying to calm the thudding of your heart as you headed for the stable to get started on all the work for the day. 

You’d purposely set yourself up for a busy few days with Joel gone. If you were occupied, your mind couldn’t wander. So you focused on training horses. 

It was the hardest part of your job but also the part you liked the most. You had to concentrate on it otherwise you’d get thrown. The horse could always tell when you were distracted, if you gave them an inch they would take a mile at this stage. 

You were finally thinking about finishing up for the day, the sun low in the sky and your back sore after getting nearly thrown off a horse more times than you cared to count when Ellie and Savvy wandered into the stable, giggling to each other as they made their way over to you. 

You took a moment to fully appreciate what they were to each other. You’d always felt bad for Savvy, having just you in the world, no one closer to her own age to bond with. Now, she and Ellie were attached at the hip, sharing the kind of bond you’d always longed to have with the sister who had never materialized, no matter how much you begged your parents for one. Both of them meant so much to you, the whole of the future wrapped up in them. You had survived a lot to get to this point, horrors you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy, but you’d do it all again to see these two girls find sisterhood in each other. Conspiratorial whispers and knowing laughs and deep love was everything you wanted for your daughter and she had found it here. 

“Terrified to know what this is about,” you half smiled as they walked over.. 

“Why does it have to be about something?” Ellie rolled her eyes. “What if we just wanted to come say hi.” 

“Because I don’t think I’ve ever seen you two stop by to just say hi,” you said. “So that would be highly suspect. What do you want?” 

“Can we go spend the night at Dina’s?” Savvy asked, the words all spilling out of her at once. “I promise we’ll behave and…” 

“Dina’s?” You asked, raising your eyebrows at Ellie. 

“Yeah, my friend Dina’s,” she gave you a firm look as she said it. 

“And what will you be doing at Dina’s?” You asked, turning your attention back to Savvy. 

“Just hanging out with some friends,” she said. 

“Any boys?” You asked. 

“No,” Ellie said quickly. “Mostly some of the girls who just finished up school and the girls who are about Savvy’s age, nothing crazy…” 

“Please Mom?” Savvy interrupted her. “It’s going to be so fun and I haven’t done anything like this before but I’ve read about it and it sounds so cool and I really want to go and…” 

“And Dina’s sister will be there?” You asked Ellie, who perked up at the question. 

“Yeah,” Ellie said. “And she doesn’t let Dina get away with shit…” 

“You do realize that you’re 18 and I can’t do a damn thing to stop you, right?” You said to Ellie. “Adults don’t need to ask their moms for permission.” 

“I know,” Ellie said. “But so is Dina. And it’ll be more fun if Savvy can go. I’ll keep an eye on her, I promise.” 

You looked between them, Savvy looking more happy and open with you than she had in months, so like how she used to look at you when asking for something when she was small. Her eyes were so wide and hopeful and you couldn’t say no, not when she was looking at you like that. 

“Alright,” you sighed. Savvy squealed. “But you have to behave. Savvy, no drinking. If there are boys, you come home. No doin’ stupid shit like climbing buildings…” 

“Oh that was like one time!” Ellie protested but you silenced her with a look. 

“And I expect everything to stay PG,” you finished. 

Ellie frowned. 

“What the fuck does PG mean?” 

You shook your head a little, some things still surprising you about how different the world was, even after all these years. 

“It’s a saying from before,” you said. “Means make sure whatever you do, it’s family friendly. That means if you say you and Dina are friends, you act like friends.” 

“We are friends,” Ellie rolled her eyes. 

“Oh sure,” Savvy drew out the last word, laughing. “I always want to kiss my friends…” 

Ellie elbowed her and she laughed harder before quieting down. 

“We won’t cause any trouble,” Ellie said. “Promise.” 

“You two have fun,” you said. “And come by the stable in the morning so I know you’re still alive.” 

“OK Mom,” Ellie rolled her eyes, nudging a giddy Savvy toward the door. 

“Thank you, Mom!” Savvy called, giving you a wave as Ellie urged her outside. 

You just laughed and watched until you couldn’t see them anymore before taking your time getting everything set for the night. Your house would be empty overnight for the first time since you’d gotten married. You hadn’t slept without Joel beside you in months, you weren’t in a rush to get home and feel his absence there. But, after a while, you couldn’t stall anymore. You made your way to the mess hall, already mostly empty, but found Maria there with William next to her. She smiled and waved you over and you joined them, sitting across the table as William crashed a carved moose and deer into each other, complete with sound effects. 

“See you’re putting off being home, too,” she said, putting one hand in the middle of William’s back. 

“Yeah, well,” you sighed. “That’s a damn big house for one person.” 

She smiled tightly, knowingly.

“It’s always hard, thinking about them out there like that,” she said. “But this one feels harder.” 

“Yeah,” you said, laughing once, darkly. “It really does.” 

“Hey Aunt Bambi,” William looked up from his toys, his brown eyes reminding you of Joel’s. There was so much of the Miller men in his face it made your heart ache. “Did you know that moose are the biggest deer sp…sp…” he frowned and looked up at his mom. 

“Species,” Maria finished for him before looking over at you. “He’s been obsessed with that carving ever since Joel gave it to him for Christmas so we’ve been learning about moose…” 

“Well, moose are pretty cool,” you said knowingly. 

“I want to see one,” he said. “Mommy says I can’t ride it but I bet I could ride it.” 

You tried really hard not to laugh, William’s springy curls bouncing as he looked down at the carving in his chubby hand. 

“I don’t think ridin’ it would be a good idea,” you said. “They’re big, could be very dangerous. But they are neat to see.” 

“They’re not dangerous,” he frowned. “I bet we would be friends, just because they are big doesn’t mean they’re dangerous…” 

“OK let’s I’d rather not think about you riding a moose,” Maria rolled her eyes. “We can start with seeing one from afar once you’re older.” 

He just sighed heavily, as though the weight of the world were on his small shoulders, and went back to playing with the carvings. 

“I remember when Savvy was that age,” you smiled a little. “She was all about horses, though…” 

“Wonder where she got that from,” Maria smiled back. 

The three of you were the last to leave the mess hall, the clean up team heading to the kitchens  before you started heading out. 

“You’re welcome to come over if you don’t want to be at home,” Maria said, carrying William as he started to fall asleep on her shoulder. “Our door is always open…” 

“Thanks but I need to bite the bullet,” you sighed. “If Joel’s going out on longer patrols again, I need to get used to spending some nights home alone.” 

“Well, the offer still stands,” she said. “As long as you don’t mind my kid babbling to you about moose, apparently.” 

You laughed a little. 

“He can babble to me about whatever he wants,” you said. 

You parted ways and walked around Jackson for a few minutes before heading for the barn where the dogs were kenneled overnight, leaving a note on the log and taking Gatling from her designated place. She trailed behind you home, happy to be under your control again, and you fell asleep with her curled up against your stomach. 

It was a relief to start the next day. You were halfway through your days with Joel outside, not sure if he was safe, too far away for you to see our touch. You could do one more night. You brought Gatling back to her kennel before heading to the stables and getting to work.

The girls came by in the late morning, both looking exhausted but otherwise OK. 

“We’re going to go home and take a nap,” Ellie said, talking for Savvy who was staring straight ahead, looking dazed. “But we’ll be in the mess hall at lunch…” 

“Go sleep before you fall over,” you smiled and shook your head. “Fill me in on everything later.” 

Ellie steered Savvy out of the stable and you laughed a little. Savvy had friends, friends she was staying up all night with. It was everything you wanted for her, watching her grow up both beautiful and sad, thinking she would never have friends like this. 

The girls beat you to the mess hall, their backs to the door you came in, their heads together, talking conspiratorially. 

“She can’t know,” Ellie said quietly. “She’d freak out…” 

“We can handle it,” Savvy said, quiet but sharp. 

“Handle what?” You asked, making both of them jump, their eyes going wide. They looked at each other quickly and you frowned. “Girls. Handle what.” 

“Nothing,” Ellie said quickly. Savvy was looking at you with a strange expression on her face. “Just… there’s a girl we know, this guy is being a dick. I think we can handle it without talking to her because I think if she knew it’d just be extra shitty.” 

You frowned. 

“Not gonna go pick a fight, are you? Because…” 

“No,” she said. “Not picking a fight.” 

“OK,” you said, still uncertain. “But I think…” 

“Actually, Bambi, if it’s OK, we’re just going to head out,” Ellie said, cutting you off. “We got here early and I need to go bug Jesse about something.” 

“Alright,” you frowned, looking between the two of them. “Are y’all sure everything is OK? Because…” 

“It’s fine,” Ellie said before you could finish. “Right, Savvy?” 

“Yeah,” she said, still looking at you with an expression you couldn’t quite place. Part of it like she didn’t know you at all. “It’s OK.” 

“Alright,” you didn’t really believe either of them. “Look, if this boy is a serious problem…” 

“Nothing like that,” Ellie cut you off again. “C’mon, Savvy.” 

She got up and took Savvy’s hand, pulling her to her feet, too. 

“Where can I find you two later,” you said. “Because…” 

“We’ll be home,” Ellie said. “Don’t worry. It’s fine.” 

She started pulling Savvy along behind her but Savvy just stayed where she was, her feet planted, eyes locked on you. 

“Are you sure you’re OK?” You asked, brows knitting together. “If there’s anything you want to talk about…” 

Savvy threw her arms around your waist, catching you totally by surprise, burying her face in your shoulder. You slowly, cautiously, put your arms around her, too, just holding her for a moment. It was so foreign yet familiar, so long since she’d latched onto you like this but holding her one of the only things it felt like you’d been made to do. 

“You can always talk to me,” you said softly, running your hand over the back of her mass of curls and pressing a kiss to her temple. “About anything, I’m always here for you.” 

“I know,” she said, stepping back and looking at you again. “I love you, Mom.” 

You just stared at her for a moment, heart feeling like it was cracking open. 

“I love you, too,” you said, your hands still on her shoulders. “More than anything.” 

“C’mon Savvy,” Ellie said, taking her arm and tugging her away. “See ya, Bambi.” 

You watched them go and debated following them before deciding to give Savvy some space. But, by the time you finished having lunch, you’d thought better of it. You were heading to see if they’d actually gone home but Olivia stopped you as you went past the stables, needing help with the horse you’d been working with the day before. It was hours before you could make it back to the house, bypassing your front door and heading straight for the back yard, knocking on Ellie’s door instead. 

“One sec!” Ellie called and you heard her scramble for the door, breathless when she opened it. “Hey Bambi, what’s up?” 

“Nothing,” you shrugged, not asking for permission and just stepping inside. Savvy was sitting crosslegged in the middle of her bed looking a little more like herself. Or, at least, the self you’d come to recognize her as lately, a little angry with her mouth set in a firm line. “Wanted to see what you girls were up to tonight, make sure everything was OK.” 

“We’re fine,” Savvy said, sounding less angry than she looked. “Just pretty tired.” 

You nodded slowly. 

“Get that stuff figured out with your friend earlier?” You asked, looking between them. 

“Think so,” Ellie said. “We can handle it. Right?” 

“Right,” Savvy said, giving her a firm nod. 

You looked between them, hoping one of them would elaborate. Neither did. 

“Alright, look,” you said. “Both of you are actin’ real weird. I need you to tell me what it is you’re schemin’ up because, while I understand that you want to take care of your friend, you can’t just go around causing problems here in town over something like a break up…” 

“We’re not causing any problems in town,” Ellie said reassuringly. “I promise, we’re not going to go beat up some kid in Jackson or anything like that, I swear.” 

You looked to Savvy. 

“She’s right,” she said. “We really aren’t.” 

You clenched your jaw for a moment. Something felt… off. They were telling the truth but you were uneasy. Something was up. 

“We’re actually still really tired,” Ellie said after a minute. “So, if it’s OK with you, we’re just going to call it a night…” 

“You swear you’re not going to go beat up some boy?” You asked, looking between them. 

“Promise,” Ellie said. “The Jackson boys are safe from us.” 

You sighed, hoping to get Joel’s help getting more out of them when he was back the next night. 

“Alright. You two actually get some damn sleep, OK?” 

“OK Mom,” Ellie rolled her eyes and you smiled a little. At least that seemed like Ellie. 

You went back to the house, sitting at the window to the backyard with a cup of tea for a bit, until the lights went off in their little house. Something still pulled at you but you went and settled on the couch, putting on an old VHS tape that had been in Joel’s house, whoever had lived here before’s recording of some episodes of Seinfeld. You didn’t fast forward through the commercials, marveling at how far away the world that sold things like Oreos seemed. You’d only been about Savvy’s age when this had been recorded. Your relationship with your mother had been fraught, too. As hard as it was to have the only reason you’d fought so hard to survive be distant, she’d done more with you today than you would have with your own mother at that age. You sighed. Maybe you were through the worst of it. Maybe this was just what it was like parenting a teenager, strange distance interspersed with shocking moments of vulnerability. 

You dozed off halfway through the third episode and the pounding on your front door made you sit bolt upright, shocking awake with a gasp. 

The sound was relentless, a fist slamming into wood instead of rapping against it. You scrambled off the couch and pulled the door open without bothering to see who was on the other side of it, your heart in your throat. What if it was Maria? What if something had happened to Joel?

But standing on your porch was Kyle, the boy Savvy had been spending time with, his shock of red hair slick with sweat, his freckled skin blotchy and red. There was a gash on his cheek.

“Mrs. Miller,” he panted, looking at you with wide eyes. “I’m so sorry, they let me go, they let me go to come find you…” 

“Slow down, kid,” you said gently, heart still pounding. You put your hands on his shoulders and guided him inside. “Take a deep breath, what’s goin’ on, is everyone OK?” 

“No,” he shook his head, his eyes still wild and frantic. “No, they’re not OK. He’s got them, he’s got them, I tried to stop him but I couldn’t, there were too many and…” 

“Who’s got who?” You frowned. “Need you to slow down, you’re not making any…” 

“Savvy and Ellie,” he said. Your heart stopped. “He’s got them.” 

***

“Swear to God this is the longest damn patrol I’ve ever been on,” Joel said, happy he could actually recognize some of what was around them now. 

“And we’re even gettin’ back a few hours early,” Tommy gave him a cocky smile. “At least it was an easy one.” 

“Jesus, don’t know if I’d call it easy with how my damn leg is feelin’,” Joel said. “Swear all I’m doin’ tonight is soaking in the damn bath…” 

“See how your wife feels about that,” Tommy teased and Joel rolled his eyes. “I’ve seen how you two look at each other…” 

“Fuck off,” Joel said, smiling all the same. 

“S’what I thought,” Tommy said. 

It had been an easy few days, all things considered. They’d picked off a few stray infected but no signs of a larger group. No immediate signs of raiders, either, the territory they covered broad and quiet. They’d made good time coming back, closing in on Jackson around noon instead of that evening. It was one of those times that Joel was glad that you worked in the stables, happy he’d have an excuse to go right to you the second he was in the gate. He didn’t care that he knew that he smelled, days of sweat and dirt stuck on his skin and clothes. You wouldn’t mind. You’d damn near tackle him, throwing your arms around his neck and pressing your body into his and he’d forget for a moment just how bad his damn leg was hurting after spending two and a half days on a horse. 

But Joel knew something was off the second the gate opened, guards whispering low to each other as Joel and Tommy dismounted. 

“Who died?” Tommy frowned, looking around. 

“Maria’s on her way up,” Jason, one of the guards, said. “She knows what’s going on…” 

Joel frowned at Tommy, who’s face had fallen, skin going pale. 

“I’m sure s’all fine,” Joel said, limping more than usual as he went to stand beside his brother, clapping a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “It’s Jackson, what could happen?” 

Maria appeared then, walking quickly and talking seriously with Warren. 

“Oh Jesus,” Tommy said softly. “This is bad…” 

“Think we lost someone?” Joel asked, voice low. 

“Feels like we’re about to go to fuckin’ war,” Tommy said, matching Joel’s tone. 

“Good to see you two back and in one piece,” Maria said, Joel’s stomach lurching at her tone. She was talking like a member of the council not like his sister-in-law. “Jason, take the horses to get settled. I need to talk to Joel and Tommy.” 

Joel’s heart beat a little faster. She said it like she needed to talk to him, like Tommy was there to make sure he didn’t fly off the handle. She put her hand in the middle of Joel’s back and guided him to the Tipsy Bison, the bar empty this early in the day. 

“What’s goin’ on?” Tommy asked the second they were in the door. “Is William OK? Why’s everyone actin’ like someone fuckin’ died?”

“William is fine, he’s with the neighbors,” Maria said gently before turning her attention to Joel. “I need you to stay calm…” 

“Why,” he demanded. “Maria…” 

“We don’t know everything,” she cut him off. “We’ve only known about it for maybe two hours, we’re still coming up with a plan and…” 

“Known about what,” Joel demanded. “What’s goin’ on?” 

Maria took a deep breath and looked him dead in his eyes. 

“Bambi, Ellie and Savvy are gone.” 

Time slowed. His heart dropped and there was a high pitched whine ringing in his head. 

That didn’t make sense. This was Jackson. Things were safe here, everything was supposed to be safe here, that’s why he’d stayed here, risked everything to bring Ellie back here, done everything to keep you here when you’d tried to leave before and something had taken you from him anyway. 

“What do you mean they’re gone?” Tommy’s voice snapped him back into his head. “Where’d they go? What happened?” 

“This is everything we know,” Maria held a folded piece of paper out to Joel, his name in your handwriting on one half of it like you were addressing a letter. “We’re doing everything we can…” 

Joel unfolded the page with trembling hands, the crinkle of the paper almost sharp in his ears. 

Joel, 

I know I promised to be here to come home to but Cody has our girls and I’m going to get them back. He told me to come alone or they die and I can’t risk them. Please don’t come after me, not until we know they’re safe. I’ll do everything I can to come back to you but if I don’t, protect them and take care of yourself. They need you. 

If I never see you again, I want you to know that loving you was worth surviving for. Getting to be your wife and taking care of our girls with you was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

Be safe. 

I love you. 

You signed your name, your real name, like you had the tape you gave him for Christmas but there was one notable difference: your last name was Miller. 

Joel’s fist got tight around the paper. He’d lost you and his girls. He’d let the man who had hurt you live and now that had all three of you, doing who knows what to you. 

“They were here yesterday,” Maria’s voice sounded far away. “It must have happened overnight. When Bambi didn’t show up at the stables today, Olivia sent someone to check on her around 10 a.m. and they found the note…” 

Joel wasn’t listening, turning and stalking for the door, taking mental stock of the supplies he still had on him. How much ammunition? He was pretty sure he had a good count of how many rounds he’d fired on patrol but now he was less certain. 

“Joel!” Maria’s voice was sharp, making him stop, one hand on the door, the sunlight pouring through the glass of it oddly bright. How could anything be bright right now, at a moment like this? “What are you doing? You can’t just…” 

He looked back over his shoulder, his brother and sister-in-law, the pair of them standing and watching him with cautious looks on their faces. 

Joel hoped they wouldn’t try to stop him. He loved them both, they were family, but if he had to choose from you and the girls or his brother, his brother would lose every single time. He wouldn’t hesitate to go through them. 

Joel had felt like he’d been meant to do very little in his life. Before, he’d worked a job that let him pay his bills and watched college football for a school he’d never had a shot at getting into. Since, he’d done plenty to get by and distract himself from the emptiness of his existence, none of it feeling like it was worth a damn thing. The one different, constant piece had been how he felt about the people his world revolved around. Sarah, Ellie, you, Savvy. The four of you were his calling. The four of you were why he was here at all. He’d survived the loss of Sarah by the skin of his teeth. In so many ways, he never really recovered. He wouldn’t have recovered at all if it weren’t for Ellie. 

He wasn’t doing that again. He wouldn’t survive it again. This was life and death, not just for the three of you but for himself, too. 

Joel met his brother’s gaze.

“That monster’s got my wife, my daughters,” Joel said, voice dark and firm. “I’m gonna hunt him, I’m gonna hurt him and I’m gonna bring them back.” 

Next Chapter

A/N: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I know, more angst. I don't know why I'm like this either. Feel free to yell at me in the comments or my ask box or my DMs. I'll still love you.

Thanks for putting up with me and all my shit and for continuing to read this story. It really does mean so, so much to me.

I love you!!

Taglist: @ashleymsnodgrass@planet-marz1@kalea-bane @juneswonderlust @ilovepedro @h-annahayy @starstruckmusiciansartghost @beccerjune @mumma-moonchild @netonetoneto @mellymbee @purplelye @n7cje @flugazi @evyiione @randomhoex @aliengirl99 @orcasoul @reds-ramblings @pedropascalsbbg @fupoola @tinypotatothing @knopes-waffles @lilmizmoz @ayamenimthiriel @jenispunk @panda-pascal @sarap-77 @flugazi @your-slutty-gf @daniegraceg @partyofone3413 @cumberpegg @noisynightmarepoetry. @fifia-writes @grumpygrumperton @srmacaroni @txlady37 @bigboiseason123 @ashleyfilm @arizonadreamingg

[gatzbright]

[october] one year of togetherness.

@/dreamsecretclub: dteam Christmas won’t be happening unfortunately, thought I’d say before that way Christmas can still be great :) totally out of our control unfortunately, can’t wait for the future still :)) 2022 incoming ♥️♥️

Dream: I'm gonna expose George's feelings on his behalf ... He was just saying, he was like, 'I think I'm depressed', and we were like 'What do you mean?' and he was like, 'I don't know. I don't do anything, and no one's here, and I just wanna come to the US'. And Sapnap was like, 'Well, what if I came to the UK?' and George was like, 'You should'. And then Sapnap went and filed for his passport the next day.

Dream: Because George hasn't got his visa yet, Sapnap's going to the UK. Sapnap: Fine. I'll go. [Dream Team laughs] Dream: So, unfortunately, Sapnap's getting the first George hug. [George Laughs] Sapnap: I'm getting the first George hug.

Dream: I feel like if George isn't here by, like—I wanna be like, 'Well, next month'. I feel like if George isn't here by September, my like, mental health will take a dive. Massively. And that sounds like, fucked, but it's one-hundred percent true.

Dream: You will see the fact that George, um—George's reaction to seeing me ... We said when he got his visa he could FaceTime me, so, stuck to the plan. Not saying anymore because you have to wait for the meetup video.

Dream: You sure you don't want to wait to see me in person? George: I'm ready. I've got my camera set up—I'm all ready to go! Dream: I guess I just, I wasn't expecting this. I'm gonna go look in a mirror and make sure I don't look like trash. I'll be right back! George: [laughs] Okay ... Oh my god.

George: After years of waiting, I was finally going to America.

Sapnap: Dream? Dream: Yeah? Sapnap: Clay? Dream: Oh god. Sapnap: I brought him. He's here. You excited? Dream: I am ... very nervous. Sapnap: Nervous but excited. Dream: I'm nervous, but I'm excited! I'm doing excited hops. Sapnap: It's a big day—an exciting day! ... Take your time. This is big stuff. He's going to be living here forever.

@/GeorgeNotFound: Just met Dream!! :)

“This doesn’t even feel real,” George says in the video — a sentiment he reiterates to Variety when asked about how he felt in the moment. “The sun was directly behind him, and it was blinding me, and he had an aura about him.” 

George: It's so bright, I can't even see you. You're like a—you're like a god with the sun behind you!

George: I guess I gotta go get my bags in, and time to live in the Dream House. Dream: The Dream Team House!

@/GeorgeNotFound: why didnt you post the one where you actually kissed me?

dream @/dreamwastaken: just felt better leaving things up for larger interpretation

George: Look it's Dream, and Sapnap. It's all of us!

Dream: [softly to George] Rise and shine. We're home.

Hypnotised, Delta Goodrem | Dream's secret George photos in smile hoodie, Deleted @/dreamwastaken Tweet | Dream Priv Tweet,@/dreamsecretclub | The Collector, John Fowles | Dream Team Minecraft Skins | Dream Discord Podcast, Dream Merch Server | Our first selfie :], @/GeorgeNotFound Tweet | Sapnap Tiktok with George, @/Sapnapvids | Fortnite w/Dream and George, SapnapAlt VOD | Waiting for Godot, Samuel Beckett [Used Many Times] |  You Laugh You Lose With George, Sapnap VOD | Dream Discord Podcast, Dream Merch Server | The Trial, Franz Kafka | George Visa Tweet, @/GeorgeNotFound | Dream Twitter Space, @/dreamwastaken | October Passed Me By, girl in red | George Visa Selfie, @/GeorgeNotFound | I Met Dream In Real Life, GeorgeNotFound [Used Many Times] | There It Goes, Maisie Peters | Dandelion Wine, Gregory Alan Isakov | Electric Touch (feat. Fall Out Boy) (Taylor's Version) (From The Vault), Taylor Swift | Coastline, Hollow Coves | George Tweet, @/GeorgeNotFound | Dream and George Interview, Rachel Seo, Variety | Dream Deleted Tweet Photos, @/Dream | George Tweet Reply,@/GeorgeNotFound | Dreamland, Glass Animals | Photograph of Dream and George during the Foodbeast's Panel at Twitchcon San Diego, @/itsjusttai_ | Dream Team Christmas – Baking Cookies, Sapnap VOD | fallingforyou, The 1975 | Dream Team Christmas – Gingerbread Houses, GeorgeNotFound VOD | Dream Tweet Reply, @/dreamwastaken | It's Not Living (If It's Not With You), The 1975 | just got back from hospital..., GeorgeNotFound VOD | Home, Gabrielle Aplin | Dream and George on set: Everest – Dream & Yung Gravy BEHIND THE SCENES, Dream Music | Dream Snapchat Video, @/Dream | Frankenstein, Mary Shelley

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

So I decided back in September that it is Time. The time has come. I am going to try and get a formal diagnosis for my blatant and provable ADHD, because I am very interested in Doing Laundry

And in my defence it has only taken until this week (late January) to kick things off, which I am very aware should probably be part of the diagnostic criteria

Anyway

I have a plan! For the best chance of being taken seriously. If the university can do their in-house screening of me, I can go to my GP and make the following two points:

I am here because my boss felt I said "But everyone does that" one too many times while discussing the ND students, and she wants me to chase this in case it means she can support me better (I of course am charmingly bemused about it because I personally would never try and get diagnosed, no no, only those attention-seeking fakers do that)

An official educational institution i.e. my employer has in fact initially assessed me and deemed me Medically Distractible. I even have an ALN plan, look. So uhhhhh, maybe my boss is right? (I of course remain charmingly bemused about it because I obviously don't really believe it, no no, I could never be the expert on my own experience, but a Third Party is invested, so...)

Anyway yesterday the uni got in touch, and had me do the initial screening.

Now, they're doing it as part of a wider screening process of learning needs, so they also check you for dyslexia, dyscalculia, dyspraxia, and autism, as well as ADHD. Plus how good your reading/writing/maths is. Plus they make you do these really fun tests - one was like a classic American spelling bee, one was a spelling test where they read out increasingly lengthy fake words and you had to spell them (we started with "blit", and by the end she was saying things like "unintarcation" and "iffrig-oggonery" and "self-regulating free market" trololol I JEST), and the other was that she'd read out a string of numbers and I had to type them backwards to test my working memory

Good fun, actually. Anyway, my results were mostly completely fine:

Study skills are good! I mean, we're going orange at the end, look, time management is bad - but that's the ADHD, so expected.

No problems with the tests! I mean I'm slightly grumpy about the social and communication score going blue, because I'm pretty sure it's because I explained how I was bullied in school, which I feel is more about them than me. But eh.

Dyspraxia was a little less solid- that's the time blindness, I think. Also attention and concentration, that's expected. Maths, lol - that's not medical, I'm just bad at maths.

The autism testing. Again, mostly fine, but some overlap with ADHD symptoms, so blue instead of green. Makes sense.

And then

Fucking rinsed.

[bellysoupset]

so glad to hear you liked the request! i was a bit worried I was being annoying 😭

having a brainworms moment btw. so yknow how leo continued working out after college and jon hasn’t. and leo is buff as hell. thinkin about leo princess carrying jon. which is know would be difficult because jon is definitely not a small or light guy. HOWEVER 👆 . he has a strong giant for a bf. so technically. would it be feasible. for a leo carrying an exhausted jonah to bed from the couch moment 🤨🥺 ( like it definitely wouldn’t be graceful. or easy. leo is huffing and puffing about jonah’s ass being lazy and difficult to carry. and jonah is loving every minute of it even though he’ll Never admit it) i knowww jonah is also a huge guy. i still think he deserves to be carried around like a princess <3🍄

Jumping straight into action with this one, bc I tried writing the start like 20 times and gave up.

Leo super hungover

--------------------

"LEO PUT ME DOWN-" Jonah shrieked, when his boyfriend lifted him up bridal style and twirled them around, giggling manically, "LEO!"

"I AM A LAWYER!" Leo yelled in return, throwing Jonah up in his arms and then promptly falling on his back when Jonah fell back down in his arms.

They crumpled to a pile of limbs on the wet grass of the park outside their apartment building and Jonah let out a groan, rolling on his back and rubbing his sore side, "you're such a fucking asshole, that's what you are," he groaned, picking a leaf out of his hair.

Leo was still sprawled on the grass, chest heaving with laugh and laborious breath, a dizzy smile on, "Jon..." he panted, staring at the sky. It was just about the break of dawn, so the sky was a lilac-grey shade, with the stars about to fade, "Jon, I'm a lawyer."

"You've been a lawyer since September last year, baby," Jonah rolled his eyes with a smile, sitting up on the grass and scooting closer to Leo. The blonde shook his head, closing his eyes, still with a smile on.

"Now I'm a hired lawyer, a real one," his voice came out a little squeezy and Jonah draped himself over him, catching Leo's lips into a kiss.

"I am. So. Proud. Of. You," he punctuated each word with a kiss and Leo opened a blinding smile, wrapping an arm around his neck and then letting out a snort when Jonah completed, "but we should go inside before you become an arrested lawyer."

"Uhm, we're not even doing anything," Leo whined, but pulled back, opening his arms in a T position on the ground, "I can't get up, everything's twirling."

"You can, c'moon," Jon grabbed his arm, forcing him up, "let's go inside before Matthew calls the police on us for public indecency."

"Matthew would never," Leo pouted, but allowed Jonah to pull him out of the ground. There were a bunch of leaves stuck to the back of his shirt and his hair, "Ah- Uh," he grimaced as they entered the garage of the building, smartly avoiding the front door, "I feel weird."

"You're wasted," Jonah rolled his eyes, shoving him inside the elevator, "please don't puke in here."

Leo nodded, planting a hand to his stomach and making a little confused face, "it's all gurgly... Feels like I need to burp."

Jon squinted at him, "don't burp, it'll just make you puke," he said, knowing damn well it was never just burps with Leo, "just three more minutes, babe."

"Okay," Leo poked his belly, wrinkling his nose when that caused a whine to erupt from the organ and then he let his head rest on Jonah's shoulder, "I wanna get a tattoo."

"Now?" Jon chuckled, voice muffled by his boyfriend's hair, "right now?"

"As celebration," Leo mumbled, his mouth pressed to Jonah's sweater, "because I'm a real lawyer now..." he let out a sigh as the elevator came to a stop and Jon wrapped an arm around his back, guiding his drunk boyfriend towards their door.

It wasn't that he hadn't been drinking as well, after all they were celebrating Leo's promotion. However, he had drunk alongside their friends and switched to water when Leo showed no signs of slowing down. At least four hours before.

Jonah was opening the door, not bothering with the lights since it was practically morning already, when suddenly his feet left the floor. He let out a shout, then glared at Leo's pink, strained face, a smug smile on it.

"Put me down," Jonah rolled his eyes, grabbing on the doorway to stop them from going inside with one hand, the other resting on the blonde's shoulder, "Leo."

"You're like a prince..." Leo pressed his forehead to his and Jonah's cheeks turned red.

"Leo, I love you and this is very cute, but if you throw up on me I'm going to put you on the couch for the rest of the week," Jon snarked, leaning in to plant a kiss on his boyfriend's lips, "put me down."

"You're no fun," Leo grumbled, letting him go and then immediately folding in half, wrapping his arms around his stomach, "ugh, but maybe you're right... Feels like my tummy is burning."

"Probably the vodka that you chugged as if it was water," Jon rolled his eyes, keeping a hand in the middle of Leo's back and closing the door with the other. He kicked off his shoes, then squeezed his boyfriend's nape, "bathroom or bed?"

"Bed...?" Leo sounded sleepy and confused, "where's my cat?"

"Asleep," Jonah grabbed him by the shoulders, "c'mon, bedroom-"

It was a hassle to push Leo all the way to their suite, when he wanted to stop and comment on everything he saw along the way, his attention spam all but gone.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Jonah managed to push Leo against the pillows, without his shoes or his shirt on. He had given up on removing the blonde's pants, settling for just removing his belt and undoing his fly.

"Sleep now," Jon planted a glass of water and some Advil on the bedside table, as well as an empty bucket on the floor. Normally Leo wasn't a pukey drunk, but normally Leo didn't drink so much or arrive home so wasted.

"Jon," Leo sprawled on the bed, breathing deeply, "Jonah."

"What?" Jon yawned, closing the black out curtains of their room and falling into bed. He scooted up and smiled when Leo promptly rolled on the bed so he could face him, "what is it?"

"You're so handsome," Leo leaned in, resting his forehead to Jon's and not seeing as his boyfriend turned a whole shade deeper as he blushed, "and you have a real lawyer as a boyfriend."

Jon grinned, wrapping an arm around the blonde, "I already did, baby," he pushed a strand of hair away from the blonde's face, "get some sleep."

Leo yawned in agreement, snuggling up even more.

Jonah wasn't sure when exactly he fell asleep. He knew it took longer than it did for Leo, because the blonde was all but draped over him like a weighted blanket and Jon was still awake when he heard JD meow and get out from where she was hiding under their bed, sneaking out of the room to find a nice, warm sunny patch to sleep on.

What he did know was that he woke many hours later with his weighted blanket of a boyfriend moaning softly next to his ear. Thanks to the black out curtains the room was dark and Jonah felt more than saw Leo suddenly heave, it was hard not to, when the blonde’s stomach was pressed to his. 

“Leo!” Jonah grabbed his arm, more than a little clumsy due to sleep, “Leo!” 

He felt his boyfriend recoil at his exclamation, but then Leo moved on the bed just enough to hang his head over the side of it, whole body arching as he retched. Jon gagged himself, as he could feel every heave rocking Leo’s stomach, since the other man was still practically lying on top of him. 

“God, Leo, get off me-” Jonah groaned, gulping down nauseously, only to hear the distinct sound of liquid hitting wood. Jon froze, realizing Leo was leaning over the wrong side of the bed to throw up, the bucket was sitting on his right and his head was hanging over the left side, “bloody hell, Leo-”

“Jon,” Leo whimpered, coughing and curling up, his voice all strained, “Idon’t- Idont feel good…”

He sounded incredibly wounded and pathetic and Jonah fought the urge to strangle his boyfriend. If this was some sickness he’d be a lot more concerned than pissed, but this was just pure and simply a hangover from hell. 

“I know,” Jonah sighed, planting a hand on his back, “c’mon, let’s go to the bathroom, okay?” 

Leo didn’t move at all, except for hiccuping, still draped diagonally on the bed and then bringing up a little more puke, “uhrghhh…” he groaned, sounding dangerously close to tears, “my head is killing me.”

Jonah grimaced, his own stomach sloshing at the sound and smell of vomit right next to him, and he pushed Leo’s waist, managing to free himself from the blonde’s weight. Once he was standing, Jon stumbled and fell on his ass. It hadn’t occurred to him that he’d also be hungover. 

“Jon?” Leo whined and he rubbed a hand over his face, trying to get himself in check.

“I’m here,” he forced himself up and crawled on the bed, grabbing Leo’s naked shoulder, “help me, Leo.”

“I can’t,” the blonde groaned, “I can’t move- I-” he lurched and nearly fell forward and out of the bed, more liquid hitting the ground. Jonah squeezed his boyfriend’s shoulder, keeping him from taking a dive at the puddle of not-digested alcohol, and gulping down. He felt horrible and wasn’t sure how much was sympathy nausea, how much was just his own hangover. 

“Jon,” Leo whimpered, “hurts…” 

Jonah ground his teeth, grabbing the blonde’s arm, “Leo, I’m gonna move you to the bathroom, okay. Please just- Just don’t puke on me-” he forcefully pulled on his boyfriend, causing Leo to groan, his whole face scrunching up in pain. 

The blonde was boneless and incredibly heavy, causing Jonah to huff and puff as he draped one of his arms around his neck and hugged Leo’s waist, pushing them both up from the bed. 

“God…” Leo’s head lolled, meeting Jon’s shoulder and he gagged weakly, “itssslike everything’spinning…” 

“Uh-hum,” Jonah rolled his eyes, stumbling their way to the bathroom. He all but fell in the bathtub, hurrying as he heard Leo let out a watery burp just as they entered the room, “Leo, c’mon-”

“I’mso’Ory,” the blonde hiccuped, falling in front of the toilet and barely retching before more puke rushed up. Jonah planted a hand in the middle of his back to keep Leo from causing a mess, since he was swaying like crazy, then he leaned himself over the bathtub and tried to force his stomach to calm down. 

He felt Leo gag once again, his back arching, and Jon let out a frustrated groan of his own. He wanted to crawl back into bed, not to deal with this… 

“I’m really sorry, I- Fuck,” Leo rasped, seeming completely out of it, “Jon…” 

Clearly he wanted comfort and reassurance and Jonah couldn’t help it. Even pissed as he was, he didn’t want to make Leo feel worse. 

“It’s okay-” he sighed, turning around and muffling a sick burp against his fist, “baby, it’s okay, just get it up. You’ll feel better.”

“Made a mess…” Leo groaned, resting his cheek to the toilet seat and causing Jonah to grimace, “I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay,” Jon carded his fingers through the man’s sweaty hair, “it’s fine. I’ll figure it out,” he probably wouldn’t, but their building had cleaning services and Jonah figured Leo was out of it enough he wouldn’t notice or bitch about it. 

He sat next to his boyfriend for another fifteen minutes, trying to get his strength back up to deal with the room and feeling his anger melt into worry as Leo continued to puke nonstop. 

“You’re gonna be okay for a while? I’m gonna go deal with the room and the rest,” Jonah pushed himself up, his ass was hurting from falling on the ground and then sitting on it for twenty mins. 

“Uhmmmm…” Leo answered, his whole face scrunched up in pain, still draped over the toilet. 

Jon took this as a yes and walked out of the bathroom. 

Their bedroom was a disaster and the quick glimpse of it Jon caught was enough to have him hurrying back to the bathroom in order to retch loudly in the sink. Everything he had valiantly been able to push down made its way up and Jonah went deaf for a second as his belly squeezed and sent up a horrible acidic rush of vomit. 

He let out a whimper, panting over the bowl and then startled as he felt something touch his calf, only to realize it was his zombie boyfriend trying to comfort him. Jonah felt a squeeze to his stomach, now having nothing to do with nausea and everything to do with guilt, “I’m fine,” he rasped out, noticing Leo’s pasty complexion and making a mental note to force him to have water, “I’m okay, don’t worry.”

“I’m really sorry…” Leo breathed out and Jonah let out a sigh, washing his face. 

“It’s fine, just focus on getting better.”

Dealing with the bedroom took longer than he wanted to and Jonah did end up calling the building’s janitor, because despite trying, his stomach simply wouldn’t let him clean it. He then took to the guest bathroom, in order to shower and look presentable, and finally returned to the suite’s main bathroom, this time carrying a bottle of gatorade and everything he thought could help.

Leo had fallen next to the toilet and for a horrible second Jon thought he was passed out, only to realize the blonde had just curled up there. 

“Ah Leo,” he sighed, crouching down, “the ground is freezing, baby.” 

“Uhrgh…” Leo groaned, “at least down here it’s not spinning.”

“Okay,” Jon rolled his eyes, grabbing the gatorade bottle, “I want you to drink something.”

“Nu-uh,” Leo shook his head the slightest bit, “not gonna stay down.”

“It doesn’t matter, you still have to drink,” Jonah forced the blonde to sit up and gently cupped his boyfriend’s head, not liking one bit how clammy he felt or how he could feel his quick heartbeat, “a couple sips.”

“I feel like death,” Leo groaned, taking one small sip and swallowing it- Only to immediately gag and turn to the bathtub. It wasn’t even vomit, just spit up blue drink and Jonah sighed.

“Babe, you didn’t even drink,” he pulled Leo to lie against him, “let’s go again.”

Half a bottle wasted down the drain later and Jon was feeling more than a little fried from stress. Leo had long wrung himself empty and he was currently sprawled on the bathroom floor, with his head resting on Jonah’s lap and napping. 

At least when he was asleep he wasn’t puking or sobbing from the headache, Jonah thought bitterly, running his fingers through Leo’s hair and causing the other man to stir slightly.

“Jon?” he whispered, voice muffled by his boyfriend’s thigh. Leo forced his eyes open when he didn’t get an answer and glanced up. Jonah seemed to be far away, he was still awake, but clearly zoning out as he petted Leo’s hair. 

“Jon, hey,” Leo touched his wrist lightly, causing the other man to jerk as he snapped into the present, “you okay?” 

“Yeah,” Jonah nodded, “are you? Are you gonna be sick again?” 

“No,” Leo grimaced, he probably was gonna get sick again soon, “just dizzy and have a killer headache now… Can we move to bed?”

“Of course,” Jonah wrapped his arms around Leo, hoisting him up and letting out a sigh when the change of positions caused the blonde to lean over the sink and dry heave. 

“Sorry- Sorry,” Leo groaned between burps, “I thought I felt better-”

“It’s okay,” Jon pressed a kiss to his shoulder, rubbing his back, “take a deep breath.”

They entered the now clean bedroom and Leo collapsed against the pillows. Jonah planted a bottle on his bedside table and gestured to the bucket, “let’s try this again,” he said humorously, opening the door so JD could dart in and jump on the bed, promptly going for Leo. He rolled his eyes fondly at the scene and walked to the mattress, falling on his back, with his legs dangling out. 

He let out a deep breath, hearing as JD purred and Leo cooed over her for a little bit. His eyes felt heavy and Jonah yawned, only to hear Leo say quietly, “are you mad?”

Jon rolled on his side, planting his forehead to his boyfriend’s thigh and petting JD with his free hand, “I’m furious.”

“Aw,” Leo pouted and Jonah muffled a scoff against his leg. 

“You’re never drinking again like this,” he said darkly and felt Leo breathe out deeply.

“Deal, yeah.”

[raccoonfallsharder]

future projects.

back to the main masterlist

below you can find the stuff i am working on, in order of (hopeful) release date. i have a lot of simultaneous projects so these will be coming out slowly over the coming months. thank you for bearing with me ♡♡ you are shinier than a lilac bush full of fireflies and more precious than pocket-sized pegasuses.

i am hoping to be done with current works on the following timeline: windfall 𖤣𖥧𖡼⚘.˚⭑ ~ june/july 2024 florescence ❀ ~ august/september 2024 cicatrix .⋆☁︎ :･꧂~ october 2024

may-june 2024

the raccoon, the witch, & the roadtrip. angst, comfort, & fluff | rocket & wanda | multipart headcanon | word count: 1,370. for @hibatasblog During a watch party for Avengers: Endgame on Twitter, Markus revealed the idea to team Wanda with the Guardian of the Galaxy captain actually made it into several versions of the film's script. "We had whole drafts with Wanda on a road trip with Rocket," Markus wrote, "but after the Vision plot in Infinity War, nothing we came up with was anything but wheel spinning for her character." CBR

june-july 2024

warm compress ☾.༊·˚⋆⭒ fluff | no use of y/n | gn reader | oneshot | word count: pending. you've taken care of rocket when he's been hurt in the past. when he comes to visit you and finds you tired, in pain, and less-than-receptive to company, he decides to return the favor. can be read platonically or romantically.

WARNINGS: reader is experiencing abdominal pain attributed to hormonal/ovulation cycle. reader cries at one point.

･:*𑁍✧˚₊ overheard on the bowie 18+ only MDNI | no use of y/n | f!reader | oneshot | word count: TBD. rocket laments building the bowie with such thin walls between bunks. ie, you haven’t been able to get off in a while, and your neighbor knows it. [preview]

july-august 2024

᠊ᡃ࡚ࠢ࠘ ⸝່ࠡࠣ᠊߯᠆ࠣ࠘ᡁࠣ࠘᠊᠊°.⋆｡✶˖ evasive maneuvers ⌖˖✶｡⋆ expansion: practice (day 9) of °˖✧♡kinktober 2023 18+ only | no use of y/n | f!reader | ?? | word count: pending. providing more context and, uh, follow-up. title may change.

untitled Domestic Scenes in Space Travel finale. 18+ only MDNI | no use of y/n | f!reader | length pending | word count: pending. The Nineteenth & Twentieth Visits. Series Finale. based on Guardians of the Galaxy (2019).

love is blind: andromeda 18+ only | rocket x f!oc | 5 parts | word count: pending. rocket has broken out of twenty-three prisons. this one will be no different. slow burn + probable smut with feelings. mcu/comic medley (kinda au?)

september 2024

⭑.⋆๋࣭✪ hot local dads in your spaceport ✪⋆๋࣭ ⭑ undecided rating | no use of y/n | undecided reader | ?? | word count: pending. born of this statement i made ages ago and think about daily: daydreaming about quitting my job and running away to outer space. i’d live in a city in a giant floating skull and i’d run a street-food stall for the neighborhood. i’d teach the local sentient tree how to play stardew valley, and just fucken recklessly hit on his hot dad every chance i got

⊹₊⋆☁︎⋆⁺☀︎ sunshine ☀︎ ⋆⁺☁︎⋆₊⊹ expansion: sunshine (day 15) of °˖✧♡kinktober 2023 18+ only | no use of y/n | f!reader | ?? | word count: pending. after what was intended to be a one night stand, rocket & sunshine reader navigate the awkward aftermath of being new crewmates. oops.

october 2024

★♫｡°𝄞☕︎✎▤ other duties as assigned▤✎☕︎ 𝄞°｡♫★ 18+ only | rocket x f!oc | ?? | word count: pending. natasha romanoff is an administrative nightmare - a fact that does not go unnoticed by the (interim) captain of the milano. First she demands that the remaining two guardians of the galaxy be reachable via a primitive terran messaging system, and then she can't be bothered to read the frickin' emails. thank fuck she's hired a new assistant. mcu-based, slight au, begins five months post-snap; rocket x oc email romance/LDR (lol); slow burn + probable smut with feelings.

[slashersgirlypop]

Grilled Cheese Chapter 13.

TW: NON-CON KISSING

(September 3rd, 1978)

            I groaned, rolling onto my side, away from the blinding ray of sunlight that shone on my eyes. My back ached from whatever the hell Michael laid me on. I knew we were no longer driving, but I didn’t know where we were.

I opened my eyes, sitting up and rubbing my neck. I was in a dirty, bare-walled room with stains on the carpet. There was a small, smashed window, the glass scattered on the ground beneath it. On the ground next to me was a shattered mirror, with bits of my reflection along the floor, a constellation of me. What was the white thing on my forehead?

I reached up and touching the side of my head where it was aching. My fingers brushed along gauze. Taking one of the pieces of glass, I investigated my reflection. There was gauze wrapped around my head clumsily, but with intent. There was a small dark stain on the side of my head, probably from where Michael smashed my head against my headboard. I gently lifted the gauze, grimacing at the wound. It didn’t look too deep, but it was a head wound so it seemed worse than it probably was.

Getting up, slightly wobbly, I made my way to the door on the other side of the room. I glanced back at the makeshift bed I was on. It seemed like a sleeping bag, well, my sleeping bag. Michael must have packed it. I noticed another sleeping bag, maybe a few feet away from mine. Maybe someone left it?

I slowly opened the door, stepping out into the next room. I think I was in some abandoned mobile home. It looked like someone was in a rush to leave, and whoever used to live here had problems. By that, I mean the various amounts of cheap beer bottles scattered along the hallway.

Stepping into the front room, I saw Michael. He was sitting on a broken sofa that was tilted on its side. 

“Hi,” I croaked out, my throat dry from lack of water.

“What time is it, Mikey?” He pointed to a clock leaning against the wall. 2:45.

“How long are we going to stay here, uh, wherever here is?” He didn’t respond, only returning his attention back to the sketch book he had in his lap.

“Okay…Do you still have whatever you wrapped my head in so I can maybe clean the wound?” I asked. He pointed to the bag on the floor.

Retrieving the first aid kit, I went to the bathroom and tried to find a reasonably clean spot on the messy and stained counter.

I hissed as I felt the alcohol sting my skin, gently cleaning the wound. I was surprised Michael had bandaged my head, although it was a sloppy job. It’s the thought that counts I suppose, though.

I gently applied fresh gauze, content with the job I did. I mean, it wasn’t nurse-level good, but when you are virtually alone most of your life, you learn how to treat a wound decently.

As I cleaned my wound on my head, I thought back on the strange and crazy turn of events that led to this moment. It’s been, what, four days since Michael has entered my life? He entered my home one night, demanded I prepare him food, choked me, spanked me, killed my assistant manager in my own fucking home, and then knocked me out and took me God knows where. To top it all off, despite my dizzy head, probably from the wound he gave me, I am relatively calm about the whole situation.

Shouldn’t I be screaming? Begging, pleading for my release? Saying I won’t tell a soul if he lets me go?

Why am I taking this whole situation so well?

“Mra?” I softly smiled as I finished the knot on the freshly applied gauze wrapped around my head, feeling Mrs. Petunia brush softly against my leg.

I guess having something that provides some sort of comfort does keep me more grounded and less likely to act irrationally. Okay, aside from my escape attempts which have ended with me being choked or spanked cruelly.

Exiting the bathroom, I walked back into the living room. Michael was in his same position, only moving to draw more to…whatever was on his sketchbook. Jesus, was that a picture of him stabbing some poor blonde girl?

“Um, so, what now?” He paused his drawing, slowly looking up at me.

“I mean, I’m surprised I’m taking this whole situation well right now, but what will happen from this point on? Stay here forever? Because if it is, I need some cleaning supplies because this looks like some, uh, drug…place,” I finished weakly, looking at the several grossly colored stains along the wall along with the cheap empty beer cans around the room. Why did it smell like…a skunky smell, I wanna say?

He said nothing, only nodded before drawing his attention back to his sketchbook. I sighed, crossing my arms. I jumped, feeling Mrs. Petunia begin to climb up my pant legs and then up my side, perching herself on my shoulders. She began to purr in my ear, content. I reached up and stroked her, my attention still on the silent masked killer who was using crayons to graphically depict the blood spilling out of whoever that poor lady was.

“Mikey, I’m going to be honest with you here. Why me? What’s so important about me that you couldn’t just, I don’t know, leave me at my house, at least tied up so I couldn’t escape to get help and you could get away?” He once again paused. He looked up at the wall, as if pondering his words, or something like that.

It’s really hard to tell what he’s thinking since he always has that damn rubber latex whatever on.

Finally, he flipped to a new page of his sketchbook and his hand flew across the page, writing something.

He got up once he was finished and made his way over to me. As he got closer, Mrs. Petunia grunted and hopped off my shoulder. Soon, he stood right in front of me, making me feeling immensely small and weak compared to his towering and built figure.

He handed me the paper, and I took it.

“Becuse you are m ine,” Is what was messily written on the paper.

“‘You are mine?’ Mikey, what does that even m-“ He grabbed the back of my throat and pulled me close, crouching slightly to my level. The nose of the mask briefly rubbed against mine before he pressed the fake lips against mine. Shock ran through my veins along with fear. It was over as soon as it started, and he walked back to his seat, plopping down on the sofa. It creaked under his form as I stood there frozen.

Well, this just got more complicated than I thought. Fuck.

~🔪~🔪~🔪~🔪~🔪~🔪~🔪~🔪~🔪~🔪~🔪~🔪~🔪~🔪~🔪~🔪~

WHAT IS UP MY BITCHES????? Yeah, things are now gonna move more into the Michael being his more bad side!!! I'm sorry it took so fuckin long to update. I've had a mental breakdown, got a new job being a waitress, been sick, and am slowly losing some of my best friends. Oh yeah, and I've officially entered the stage of having alllllll level 3000 courses at uni. so yeah. next chapter might be out next weekend. Fairwell, my fellow slasher sluts ;-3

[melusine0811]

2,996 people were killed in the September 11, 2001 attacks in the United States. We memorialize and celebrate them every single year. Their names have been etched time and time again on walls, memorials, and there is a bell that rings every year in each of their names.

FIVE THOUSAND people have been killed in Gaza in the past week and a half alone.

"Not ethnic cleansing" my ass. It's because they're not white. Fuck anyone who supports Israel, I hope you choke. WHO THE FUCK KILLS CHILDREN??? BABIES??? Who starves and entire population of people? This IS the Holocaust all over again.

I am so sickened and so heartbroken, so revolted at the human capacity for hatred and violence. We are a garbage species, honestly.

ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND human beings have been systematically, and purposely slaughtered like cattle. FORTY SEVEN PERCENT of those are CHILDREN. Almost half of them are somebody's baby. SOMEBODY'S BABY.

I am a mother. If anything ever happened to my child, that would be the end of me.

47% of 100,000 is 47,000. Forty seven THOUSAND children. 47,000 screaming mothers on their knees covered in blood. 47,000 mothers wailing in the night, their souls pulled from between their teeth. 47,000 mothers who had whatever little joy and light that was still there torn from their chest cavities. Can you imagine?

Fuck any government official turning a blind eye. Fuck Joe Biden. Fuck the American Government, my country's leaders are a bunch of lazy fucks with their thumbs up their asses. I'm not sorry.

[muselixer]

dumb things my friends and I have said: 2023!

part three: july - september apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for foul and dirty language, and capslock-implied yelling :)

“They look like the bonk filter.”

“Yes, I will still have ass after surgery.”

“Bite my ass, meatbag.”

“Your college papers are like fairies, dude. They only exist if we believe.”

“So you got corn fungus from Instagram?”

“I am loathe to call him a himbo. Even himbos have emotional intelligence.”

“You’re telling me there’s EmineMpreg?”

“Me no need mind when me smash.”

“Hand it over... That thing... Your essential vitamins and minerals...”

“Gotta go to Chicago and beat up the homeless people on Saturday.”

“Bitch it’s genetic! So either you or your mom. Shut up.”

“Boba is stored in the balls.”

“Home is where the balls is.”

“RED BULL TASTES LIKE ASS! ...Guys I can’t fucking do this.”

“God lets me live because he’s afraid of confronting me directly.”

“They beat up Mr. Racist and then they checked his ID and his first name is ‘Stop Being’.”

“Autism planet. This is not an insult.”

“I called you an Ancient One. It was a compliment.”

“I’m having feelings right now and I gotta say, not for me I think.”

“Getting political in the shitpost server today.”

“His influence is beyond one man.”

“Oh! See, that, there! Who needs affection when I have blind hatred!”

“Ah, there he is... Footman.”

“So you can survive a fall from god knows how high, but check this out. I pull out a 9mm handgun.”

“Atoms never actually touch, they align. So no, your honor, I did not punch that child.”

“My heart just stopped and when it started again I cursed directly at God for allowing me to survive this.”

“No! I’m saving my body for microplastics!”

“If I add ‘Stairway to Heaven’ to the playlist is that based or cringe?”

“Aw hell nah, Death got the car door hands.”

“Understimulated and bored, about to start biting people.”

“Finally, the first gay person that knows how to drive.”

“There is nothing sacrosanct about bacon.”

“I saw Jesus on Labor Day weekend and all I got was this glizzy.”

“Oh, by the way, bombs dropped and now your poor ass has to go fight for the Brits.”

“As you all know, I’m about to be jail like nobody.”

“Sorry about the, uh... all of it. It’s the ketamine.”

“MOTHER FUCKER JUST FLIRTED WITH A TREE?”

“If I die of hypothermia today, just know it was self-inflicted.”

“On a real note, why do you want a porn ’stache?”

“Negroni. Spaggiato. With Progresso in it.”

[blooming-violets]

Today I attended one of my kids IEP meetings to help them set it up for when he goes off to preschool in September. It will be his preschool/elementary school for the next few years. The way that they treated this mother and her child was mind blowing to me. This is a little boy who, in a few years, will be completely blind and deaf. He's a little boy who is going to need a lot of help as he goes through school. He is currently receiving 20 hours of specialized care a week with us. The school "promised" that he would receive the same kind of care when he came to them.

Until they sat down to discus his IEP.

Then they cut him down from 20 hours to 2.5 hours??? He will get 30 minutes a day. That's it.

For a child who desperately needs to learn sign language before he loses his sight, needs to learn braille before he loses his hearing, and needs serious work on his speech and socialization due to him occasionally going through periods of selective mutism. This is not enough.

It didn't help that English is his mother's second language so she was struggling to follow along because they were talking so fast. She had to keep asking them to slow down and repeat what they were saying. She couldn't properly advocate for her child because they kept trying to rush through everything and not let her take her time to put her thoughts together. No one there spoke Spanish so it's not like they could help translate for her.

They kept treating this child like he was just a hard of hearing kid because, right now, he can see and has hearing aids/partial hearing but it was like they could not comprehend that he is not going to stay that way for long?? At 3, this is the best his hearing will ever be and it is already not good and will only get worse.

I am just so frustrated at how they treated his mother. They treated her like she was stupid because English wasn't her first language. They steam rolled over her. They wouldn't let her speak properly. They did not fucking listen to a word any us of said about this kid. Everything they "promised" was a damn lie.

I hate the school systems, bro. Rude ass people.

[welcome-to-the-end-of-eras]

Live Reading: The Salt Miracles

I am only doing this for The Salt Miracles and not the other stories in The Winter Spirits because it's too much effort and I'm already going insane. I'm also going in 100% blind, I have absolutely no idea what it's about or whose perspective it's following, but my lord am I nervous.

I haven't even started yet but I just realised I've been calling it The Salt Mines by accident and put it in a twitter post oops-

OOO IT'S SOMEONE NEW

I STILL HAVEN'T STARTED READING YET BUT I SAW THEM REFERENCE A PRIEST AND NOW I'M GOING INSANE I NEED TO BE SEDATED

I'm chewing on glass and gnawing at the bars of my fucking enclosure

This (not) reading is more indicative of my mental illness than my actual diagnoses

If St Hilda is a fucking asylum I'm going to commit several crimes

I already love Mhairi she's so fun

Wait why is it changing to another dude Mhairi was fun :((( ik I'll probably like Flint but Mhairi is cool and I want her to write a proper female mc for once

Wait wait wait if the salt is pink it's probably Himilayan, and that along with Russia was where Mori said there was a weird no-clairvoyance zone thing so ??? I'm going to lose my marbles

Ohh nvm it's algae, that would've been cool

Okay Flint is also a priest, we have two priests now

"... I've been, you know, head first in a bucket the whole way" yeah okay this is a Pulley protag and I love him

" 'A whole...Christmas selection?' 'Nuts' " that may just become my new Twitter bio (probably not I like my Glass Onion reference too much)

He has a portable camera so this is probably taking place in like the twenties, but Kodak as a company was founded literally the same time tlfop was happening which is funny

Motherfucker are we getting animal-human hybrids???

I like fog as a metaphor, especially in tlfop, so I will probably write out something about it later

"...beehives, or cairns (graves)" this sounds like when Mori threatened Ito's wife who was allergic to bees

Why tf are there pilgrims??? Ik they're not like the Mayflower types of pilgrims, but what kind of religious journey thing are they doing???

I also want to write about the complete lack of respect for government officials and just general authority from the pulleyverse protags bc none of them have any fucks to give about authority figures

"...in his unofficial capacity as the bishop's shoulder-angel" PLS-

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was mentioned and now I'm 1.) thinking about tlfop again, and 2.) am fairly certain that this story takes place not far from the events of tlfop, because the first Sherlock Holmes book was published in 1887 and he references them as being "new:

"...now the bishop didn't believe in miracles"

"I'll be Eve in a cider factory" tbh I don't understand what that means too well rn but I love it regardless (ik Eve bit the apple and all that jazz I just can't wrap my brain around the metaphor please don't explain the Bible to me)

I auto-filled an Irish accent for Kerryn in my brain so when he called Flint "Father Kang" I thought he meant "King" for a minute

Okay so it starts December 18th, which is also the date that Mori said he would come back to Japan if I'm not mistaken??? (Edit: I WAS RIGHT AND I FEEL LIKE GOD)

But I must be slightly off because X-rays weren't invented until 1895 :(((

Also I know Kerryn is probably the secondary lead but there's something off about him I don't like, I can't put my finger on it

Either Ms. Pulley messed up her math or I don't know what an advent calendar is, because I was under the impression this was in December, so how tf has Rosemary been on the island for 38 days if she's been there since September??? She would've had to have come in November for that to be true

Flint out here profiling people by name like his name isn't fucking Flint (I also definitely laughed and thought of Batman when I read Bruce's name for the first time)

I can't handle references to the winter king rn don't do this to me-

I stopped to make dinner because I'm hungry, I started at like 5:30 and it's now like 7:35 and I have some yummy pasta and pumpkin tea (I also had like 1.5 margaritas)

I can finally use my insanely eurocentric art history class notes to explain the imagery of what Flint describes in Ezekiel's angels; each of the four creature's heads is representative of the four apostles who wrote the bible, and that coupled with the biblically accurate angels coming down from on high are clear indicators of the second coming in art, meaning the previous priest was preaching the end of days to these people

I've always been such a sucker for Catholicism in gothic media, especially when it comes to imagery, so this all is right up my alley

THE O W L ? ? ?

"...the Almighty had forgotten about the United Kingdom" she's so fucking real for that

Honestly??? The Bishop sounds like he'd be a good love interest for Flint. Maybe it's because I don't like Kerryn that much even tho he's the standard choice, but the whole "hearing them talking to you in times of stress" thing is a fun thing I like with all the pulleyverse couples and it happened with the Bishop so. Hmm.

Fliny's whole color metaphor for logic + Thaniel's synesthesia sounds like another essay for me

The optimism of Flint and the pilgrims is really going to make the horror aspect of this all hit so hard I'm excited

On that note, I love how the stones that looked like beehives so readily became cairns as the tone got darker

My computer started updating as I was making this and I was so scared that I lost everything but thank fuck for tumblr drafts

Anyways those salt rocks are a grade A prime example of Chekov's gun if I've ever seen one

The rocks are fuckin BIRDS???

The fear of machinery is something we have seen in Pulley novels before, especially around this time period, but it's just making me think of the Mars House and how that would tie in

HIMB BABY BIRD I'M ABOUT TO CRY-

N O NOT THE BIRD :(((

That was fast

"The islanders didn't leave a hundred years ago. We're walking in them." this line goes so hard, especially because it includes the audience in the "we"

OOO altitude sickness, very Bedlam Stacks-core

The cloaked devil imagery and unforgotten knowledge description is giving very much Edgar Allen Poe and it's gorgeous

I cannot say I care at all about Kerryn becoming salt but damn was it a creepy twist

And the way she physically started crumbling??? Genuinely horrifying

It took this short story for me to realise that that scene in twofs where Mori is giving his side of the argument with the priest in the future where he actually did go to the wedding, he's arguing about the story of Lot, which likely was derivative of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. Wonder why that would come up. Hmm. A mystery.

"He could taste it -- something electric." PLS I'M GOING NUTS-

What in the fucking Cthulu-

Oh Mhairi's back!!! Yay!!!

Alright maybe I spoke too soon with the whole Bishop and Flint thing

Wait it's not Flint??? I thought Bruce was Flint for a second

Oh f u c k dude that was HEAVY

That's so nuts

I literally do not have words what the fuck was that ending

It was really good and clever and fun but w o w

Ending thoughts: I genuinely have none, that was terrifying and beautiful and cool as FUCK, and I think if Ms. Pulley started pumping out only horror novels from now on I would be in full support. It's a really fuckin out of pocket move considering her previous works and even her last short story that had a relatively happy ending but my god it was good. 10/10, very creeped out. Also the sign at the end??? Knowing Flint probably wrote that out and put it around his own neck like a noose??? That's so fucking hardcore I can't believe it. Utterly amazed.

[smute]

30 reasons why summer is the best season:

i love waking up every morning feeling like utter shit

i love getting to choose between keeping the blinds down and having them open and i love that no matter which option i pick, its ALWAYS the wrong one

bugs. i LOVE that there are bugs everywhere

i love being coated in a layer of my own juices 24/7 and having my eczema flare up

i love CHAFING :)

i love taking more than one shower per day

i love going through an ungodly amount of clothes

i love how stinky my garbage can gets and i especially love that my kitchen is 3 feet away from my bed

i love that my tiny-ass built-in fridge has the ability to raise the temp in my apartment by like 5 degrees within half an hour when i close my balcony door

i love that when i keep it open, the wind from my south facing balcony feels like an open convection oven

i love sitting down on the plastic desk chair and aquaplaning on a layer of my own ass sweat

i love traveling in various metal tubes with strangers

i love smelling them and squeezing past their moist slippery bodies

i love going to the store with even more sweaty strangers and schlepping my groceries home in the sweltering heat

i love that the perishables basically start wilting and rotting the second i put them in my cart

i love mosquito bites they feel so awesome

i love cooking dinner and inhaling the refreshing vapors

i love being just. constantly on the verge of a dehydration headache

i love that even the simplest of chores feel like a fucking ironman triathlon

i love having to coat my skin in a thick white lotion that feels like it inhibits my body's only way to thermoregulate so that i can maybe not die from melanoma

i love that i get sunburned anyway

i love POLLEN <3

i love not being able to go to bed before 1 or 2 am which is when the inside temperature finally begins to return to normal levels

i love getting a solid 4 hours of sleep in before the sunrise at fucking five ay em

i love being chronically sleep-deprived

i love never getting any work done because of how well-rested and energized i feel

i love being anxious and irritable all the time

most of all i love being forced to wear revealing clothes that never fail to remind me of my biggest insecurities

i also love interacting with summer lovers who genuinely seem to be on some sort of mental high between june and september

and i love that they get personally offended when i say any of this out loud

[dkniade]

September 19, 2023. 4:15 AM

I think when I wrote this I was irritated about something but didn’t know what… (See end for notes on titles and allusions)

Warning: metaphorical violence, self-destructive tendencies, some swearing, generally aggressive tone from narrator

Like a Torrent? …Before Dawn

…

OI. CANVAS. COME CLOSE

AND LET ME DESTROY YOU.

I don’t care for image anymore—

Have this sword slash and

draw red paint for all I care.

“Not a sword, but a badminton racket.

Don’t forget who you—”

Don’t tell me what to do! So I raise my arm,

extend the reach to that shuttle’s trajectory—

Go down. Shoot onto that court

like an arrow that pierces the body,

for you’re nothing but—

“Your arm hurts, doesn’t it?”

…

And that snowscape, I want to fight that too.

To rush down the silvery hill with wind whipping past me—

“You make enemies out of nothing but fantasies—”

But I know I’ll come out on top on this board,

‘cause I dominate the fucking scene here.

That’s right. Like a torrent— No, like a sword—

Like a streak that races down the hill—

“Like a torrent?

You’re yet again blind to

what you’re fighting against.

There’s no sword to sheathe.

Do not see it as a battle.”

What if I want to? What are you

gonna do to stop me, huh?

“You’ll regret it next morning.

When the sun rises and you return

to your proper self, you’ll look back

on this either in confusion,

or lamentation.”

“So leave this ruined canvas and its red paint.

Leave the racket and shuttle.

Leave the snowscape.

And walk away, calmly.”

.

.

.

Also, typically I go through lots of titles before landing on one I like (sometimes the initial title worked the best). For this one, it was initially “Like a Riptide?” and after “Like a Riptide?” I considered the extension “Not a Sword/Battle”, “a Ruined Canvas”, “Or a Ruined Canvas Before Dawn?” but didn’t want it to be too descriptive when that’s the job of the poem itself. (I’m not saying this has anything to do with Tartaglia or Dawn Winery, since it’s about my own feelings, but I did initially call it something along the lines of “that one poem that references Tartaglia’s riptide” haha)

However, after searching for definitions of riptides I’ve decided it’s not the right metaphor to use. I then considered undercurrent but that doesn’t make sense if two lines earlier I wrote “I’ll come out on top”, so to keep the confusion of a sudden water/ocean-related metaphor (which I rarely use) I used torrent instead. …After Tartaglia’s Normal Attack “Cutting Torrent”… The moment I wrote “And that snowscape, I want to fight that too” I thought to myself, “It’s happening, oh no, Tartaglia is showing up in my own poetry…”

Board refers to a snowboard.

[helenmarie95]

Petition Against Raising the Income Requirement for Family Visas in the UK to £38,700 (Only Sign if You are a UK Resident)

So among the other awful things the Tories are doing to this country, they have decided to raise the minimum annual salary requirement for a UK citizen to bring their foreign spouse to the UK from £18,600 to £38,700 from next April. They have more than DOUBLED IT.

This is incredibly fucking stupid for an number of reasons, chief of which is that the median salary across all British jobs is £35,000 if you are a white man, and even worse if you are not that.

On a personal note, this does affect me as an American living in the UK with my British spouse. Luckily, since I changed jobs in October, we JUST BARELY clear this income requirement - and if I hadn't done that, I would be frantically searching for a new job anways. And we have to hope that our situation does not drastically change before I apply for Indefinite Leave to Remain next September.

Here's the thing: I am INCREDIBLY LUCKY. It's also took me five years to get to this point, including over a year working remotely for my parents' business because no UK company would hire me for 'reasons' (my fave being that I didn't sound sophisticated enough. lol.) I'm thinking of so many of my friends right now who suddently have to come up with another £20,000 in the next six months, which is absolutely insane. I'm thinking of my friends who have just had children and are counting on their parter's income to support them during this time who cannot afford to do that anymore. I'm thinking of university students who fell in love on a study abroad like myself, and had everything all planned out for their spouse to move here, only for everything to go up in smoke. I'm thinking of everyone who through no fault of their own are working essential jobs that they enjoy that are suddenly not enough. The NHS, which at this point is built on the backs of immigrants, is going to get even worse.

The government is forcing poor people to choose between the UK and their spouse. And these people are going to choose their spouse, because DUH. And people are going to leave. For some people that means moving back to their spouse's country and hoping that country lets them in. But what if they are LGBT and they cannot go back to their spouse's country because queerness is punishable by death? What are they supposed to fucking do?

It is high-key xenophobic to force British people to ignore foreigners and expect them to marry British spouses. And it's even more heinous considering that this new rule does not apply to the rich. Our own bloody PM has a gajillionaire wife who is not a citizen.

I made a video at the start of this year about my feelings being an immigrant in this country, and so many of my points still hold up and are even more true today.

Heck, I just got an autism diagnosis but because I'm not a citizen I cannot get disability benefits because I am not allowed public funds - the SAME PUBLIC FUNDS THAT I PAY FOR THROUGH TAXES ON MY PAYCHECK. And don't even think about protesting, because you can be arrested for 'being a nuisance', whatever that's defined as.

But I'd still rather be here that in the U.S. where health insurance and student loan companies would rob me blind and there's a high chance of getting shot walking down the street.

More and more, merely existing in the UK as a person had the gall not to be born here is one of the most radical things you can do.

And I'm going to continue to do it. And so are the rest of us.

So if you do happen to live in the UK, please sign the petition in the link. If you don't, please consider phoning your country's representatives to ask them to condemn this move. Moth and I and all of the others affected by this new rule are extremely grateful for any support you offer