#SORRY i think ive kinda lost it
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me and . your mom. last night . if you even care
#salmon scribbles#my art#SORRY i think ive kinda lost it#'hey can i sleep yet' no you must draw shoving your arms into the dcas chest cavity#'whats happening in this image' I Do Not Know#literally could not sleep until i finished drawing this goodnight i am Tired#got so lost in the sauce of drawing i had every status effect inflicted upon me when snapping out of the Drawing Haze#dca community#dca fandom#moon fnaf#moondrop#fnaf daycare attendant#sunday's silly sb self insert au#cw suggestive#?#<- just in case bcs others are tagging it in their reblogs ^_^
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MiqoMarch Day 21 - Lost
#ffxiv#miqomarch#miqomarch 2024#ffxiv azem#emet selch#emetazem#implied#Arsay Nun#Lethe Nu#shadowbringers#shadowbringers spoilers#endwalker spoilers#sorta#ffxiv gpose#i will always be thinking about how much arsay reminds emet of lethe#sure aside from the eyes they look quite different#but when it comes to their free spirit it is almost a perfect match#and thats the part of her that emet was always particularly fond of#even if lethes constant wandering gave him nothing but stress#anyways ive always imagined emet to kinda be at a cross road when it came to arsay in shadowbringers#hes starting to gain something of a softspot for arsay as an individual#enough to bring back her dear friend from being lost in the lifestream#but then bits of azem shine through her and emet has to remind himself what all of this has been for#he's doing it to bring lethe and all his other loved ones back#arsay is no replacement for the person he lost so long ago#anyways if this dialogue is cringe im sorry but its what came into my head so
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the madohomu thing i drew that I’ve crossposted on several platforms so many times im sure people are sick of it already but I want to consolidate my madohomu stuff in one place so here it is again lol :’))
This time with a never posted before bonus- a non-cropped unedited version of the og for fun
#madohomu#pmmm#gorscourse#ive posted this like everywhere sorry#i just think that if i have a madohomu blog theme i should have more madohomu art#and this is all i had on hand#anyway random backstory time#the final thing is only cropped because i thought my assignment required all our pieces to be a4#hence half of the second mado painting was lost for a long time#also i think i rushed this in like 3 ish days lol you can tell#this is kinda chunky of a post so i wont clog the indiv chara tags with it... i hope the people who see this enjoy;;
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brainrot
two versions b/c i couldn't decide if glitch or w/o glitch looked better
stupid bonus:
#my art lol#vocaloid#vocaloid fanart#moke zhiyu#zhiyu moke#chromatic aberration#mushrooms#lmao you cant really tell its him skjdhkhsk. i saw a cutesier art of moke w/ mushrooms on his head for some reason so i had to make it. emo#not the first/last time we'll see plants growing out of a voca's head as a concept lmfao; this one isnt meant to be anything really tho#have i mentioned i hate the neue post format. I HATE ITT ok sorry ik ive bitched abt it before but shkjhjkh UGHHH. anyways.#i think i lost a follower from rbing that moke post like 50x LMAO???? i cant believe zhiyu moke was their last straw in putting up w/ me#ugh this kinda doesnt look that great and is kinda lazy but if i didnt draw anything i was gonna go insane. 2am for me wooo *dies*#sorry for extremely sporadic activity a lots been going on
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0 / 0² doodles
#zero two#zero#kirby gijinka#zero kirby#zero two kirby#0 kirby#0² kirby#zero two gijinka#zero gijinka#gikabi#sorry for the abscence... still very into ygo and i kinda lost motivation to draw#ive also been sleeping a lot#but i love doodling with the g pen so :))#ALSO TO THE PERSON WHO SENT AN ASK. IM SO SORRY. ITS PROBABLY BEEN MONTHS#ITS ALWAYS ON MY MIND. im trying so hard to think of a response its a bit hard (me when i dont know my own characters)#ill try to draw more!!!!#blood tw#disturbing imagery tw#i think
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THIS SUCKS!!!!
#SORRY I HAD TO GET THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM#she's not gone yet but. very soon.#if i had to guess i would say sometime during the night or tomorrow. very very soon.#ive already said all my goodbyes and we sang around her bedside one last time and i think im as ready for it as ill ever be#but that being said. how the fuck do u get ready for your mom to die.#but it's not all bad.#my aunt was sitting by me while we sat at my mom's bedside and just shared stories between singing#and she wiped the tears off my face and traced my veins and held my hand while we both cuddled my dog#and idk. im the black sheep of the family but that doesn't mean i'm not part of it. even when shit sucks.#and these last couple months have been rough because first i lost my friend suddenly and now the thing we've been waiting for#for 3 years is finally happening#and idk. in a way i'm glad it's happening because i won't have to watch her suffer anymore. and in a way i won't suffer either.#just kinda ripping the bandaid off yk.#anyway i am contemplative and mostly at peace this fine night. we'll see what the morning brings.#winter speaks#personal#grief tag
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"when you help someone, you help everyone" -- MAY PARKER
like a river runs, bleachers
mutuals may interact (no reblogs!)
#im not sorry for this#like a river runs is the most peter and may ive lost you and i look for you everywhere in the people i meet kinda song#she is always with him!! always!!#he is alone but hes not alone because by god she is always with him and he thinks about her constantly and he wonders what she would think#of him now when hes swinging and studying for the ged. he wonders what she'd say about all the stuff feasts working on#all the good in the world that may parker helped keep alive is alive and it is in peter parker#tw death#tw blood#PBP. WEBHEAD / visage#PBP. MADE IN NYC / musings & aesthetics#PBP. JUST ME AND YOU / dyn. may parker
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BED!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!
#also I FOUND MY WEIGHTED BLANKET!!!!! IT'S UNDER MY DUVET BUT YK#also yhe pride flag will be repositioned dont worry#going on a bit of a ramble rn but like. ive just found a couple things that have been hiding under the drawers of my old bed#for example i found a cool bandana i thought i lost for like. a year. and now im obsessed with it so prepare to see that maybe#and i also found a snood i had that still fits me even though i even wore it in first school#and the crazy thing is that i dont remember#anything of first school#the only thing i have are school books from yr 4 and that snood#along witg like. old pictures of me#then again they look absolutely nothing like me. like. blonde with really long hair?? nu uh not me (not anymore at least)#i dont remember much of anything now that i think about it#i dont remember what i did last year#i cant even remember what year i came out as trans#i cant remember when i joined tumblr#and when i first made rayan or foster or zuriel or ailean or even the day i made ruaridh#perhaps its my shit sense of time but i have such a horrible memory that first school may have never happened if it werent for the fuzzy and#few things i actually. remembered. though i doubt i remember them correctly#idk if its anything that Happened™ that blocked out my memory or something. i know a certain thing may have since it kinda scarred me (ig??#idk i dont wanna sound overdramatic) but. you know im just a silly guy with a silly memory#anyway sorry for that vent lmao
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.
#death //#really tho just. losing two family members within a week from one another is. really rough#even if it is from natural causes and old age it still feels very sudden#and even if we werent that close it still hurts#little things remind me of the grandparents i dont have anymore. like making dinner and realizing im not eating their cooking again#or my grandmas favorite songs. its just. rough#im just thinking a lot. and not looking forward to two funerals within the next few weeks#just.. yeah. i feel kinda fucked up on the inside. more so than usually but for once not cause of myself#its. odd to me. grief hasnt really been constant in my life in years. apart from losing my brothers cat few years ago#before that i lost my other grandma like eleven years ago. since then immediate family has been okay#its just weird. i dont really know how to grief. it comes in waves and odd memories and it feels really.. idk. off to me#ive had few crying fits over some random things but i just feel. numb. maybe its cause of the sudden frequency of these#or cause i dont know how to deal. its strange to me. feels out of place to mourn something other than what i made myself lost#maybe its cause while there was a connection there was a larger disconnection. i havent seen either of them since covid started#idk. regrets and shit and whatnot. i just feel all but nothing at the same time#just. just saying. idk. just wanna clean my brain a little. its been a difficult day. sorry#night is an absolute mess on main
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It's so confusing even to me sometimes especially when it perhaps matters the most how I am an empath as in I will feel like crying while watching someone else cry out if their hearts and I could literally feel their pain but then I'm also so detached like so much so that if someone I know is going through something (as in trouble in paradise (yeah I'm eloquent)) and completely losing it over that person, not being able to function properly like not eating being sad feeling depressed -- it just makes no sense to me??? Like I can't even begin to try to comfort other than just pat pat like??? So you found out they don't care about you don't you just instantly lose all feelings as well? Don't you feel cheated and ridiculed?? Does that mean nothing to you, your self-respect?? And if it does all those things then why do you feel sad. What do you feel sad for. I would feel angry. So incredibly angry and I would simply think I was an idiot to not notice the signs or to stay for as long as I did and it would be like a switch just completely off. I don't think I could ever hold a human above myself. And this makes me wonder if I could ever love at all.
#like ive thought about this ofc but just#it came to me again today#bc someone i know is going through it so im jusy#so lost? like bro snap out of it she used such a lame ass excuse and youre gullible and naive enough to take it at face value and cling on#and crying and feeling sad and sorry and taking your anger out on everybody else#and its extra pathetic the way i always knew that what that person felt was one sided from the beginning and kept telling them about it but#they were so in on their head#like insane level delusion#and i had to comfort them and all i could do was spit out bitter facts#and theyre v immature and like kinda narcissistic#and ik youre not supposed to tell them the bitter truth so soon but that also doesnt make sense to me#oh god am i antiromantic? i dont think so? like ive had crushes before?#im definitely in LOVE w my fav characters and tae and zayn#huh so maybe i am just hopeless irl#well. we'll see about that ig#comfort#antiromantic#detachment
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Why tye fuck am I crying over ninja clash in the land of snow???? I fucking love this movie so much. It's sooooo fucking good. It's definitely my favorite and it was only the first ever Naruto movie. Can you believe they peaked at the first fucking one??? Why is it so good??? Fuck man aaaaaa
#i admit ive only seen three shippuden movies. but not counting the last or road to ninja (cuz they seem so good but i still havent seen them#sadge i know) but for real i wanna say they peaked at the first one. and i say that as a BIG fan of the lost tower#which is admittedly kinda rushed so like yeah of course ninja clash in the land of snow is better. im just very biased about the lost tower#granted i am certainly biased about all the part 1 movies. i guess im biased about the movies in general tho#since they count as filler and im always defensive of filler#also its SO funny to me that the land of snow has steam trains and blimps and the movie says movies exist#when all that stuff doesnt get invented in canon until post shippuden#theres a full on novel where kakashi and guy go on a mission in a. blimp?? hot air plane or something#and like half the point of the plot is that ITS A NEW INVENTION.#and i think the nerd kid's dad from boruto (IM SORRY I CANT REMEMBER HIS NAME RN) like. invented trains i think??? or he invested in their#invention. and that like#mega related to his character as a rich tech guy's kid.#and i KNOW the land of snow is technologically advanced and also not canon. BUT LISTEN.#its just so funny to think that kakashi literally saw a fucking blimp like 8 years prior and then proceeded to be impressed when#going on a mission to protect like some rich lady on her trip to the take off of the world first blimp or hot air plane#whatever the plot of that novel was.#like. its just fucking funny.#i dont even remember if regular television is confirmed to exist pre-boruto. outside like#cctv for the kages that we saw like. once? in fucking. season 1 or something.#personal
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afraid for my brother hours
#while one brother is now happily married to the love of his life#the other ia going thru (ugh) the psycho ex ordeal#the term is fitting i prommy#i got a message from him at 2 am asking me to block her from everything and i was like whaa#i think theyve officially been broken off for a year#but he told me that he tried meeting up with a girl on tinder and she LOST IT#she got into his insta and got the girls contact info and called her and said that she was his wife and he was cheating and he sucked#and now refuses to leave his apartment#now i know what youre thinking. im taking the side of my brother because he is my brother and like#yes? but because ive seen with my two own eyes how she does her fucked up things#i see how they interact and how my brother has to walk on eggshells to avoid her bs#im afraid for my niece. she already witnessed with me a lot of stupid bullshit coming from her and she is kinda resigned#BUT SHE SHOULDNT BE THO SHE IS EIGHT#literally all my brother does is point out easy solutions and suddenly she is crying and throwing things#and then she messages my retired MOM saying what a piece of shit of son she raised and that she should do something#and thats SO SAD because she wasnt like this! i used to really like her but now#sorry for the rant its just that my other brother and i are very worried about him#he doesnt deserve this#tessas txt
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Yknow what makes me reaentful? How ive been sexually abused so much growing up, no one did shit besides shove me off to a therapist, ive been promised by feminist spaces that ill have a place to heal within them, and as soon as my abusive ex tries to smear me and project their behavior on to me by accusing me of doing that shit too, all the sudden everyone acts suspicious, and i still dont get any of that promised healing. Its hard not to feel like my ex did this intentionally to prevent me from having a space to heal. And its my issue with the "believe victims" narrative because it seems to me like people dont actually want to believe victims but to believe the victims they *like* and *agree more with politically*. If people can just say whatever about someone and you feel obligated to believe them because "believe victims", its very clearly going to be exploited by abusive people, and while i dont think we should stop per se, we need to have some sort of actual system to vet who is and isnt telling the truth, like a pseudo-courtroom. At the very least let everyone and their side of the story actually be heard. Bc idk how you guys plan to believe two victims at once who are accusing eachother other than throwing your hands up and picking one or deciding that we're both bad, which doesnt seem very fair to me since people seem to looove demonizing me for no discernable reason.
#anyways ive lost faith in feminist spaces in actually being a place to heal#it kinda just feels like cliques to me dawg.#maybe it used to be sorta healing but i never actually got to find a support system or anything anywhere.#like idk man. maybe the reason ppl go to the right is bc yall are cutthroat and do everything based on vibes.#if i cant even get help and healing from yall like you promise whats the feminism label even for besides for spreading awareness?#because i feel like ill always be excluded because i dont fit the recquired aesthetic.#there needs to be a space for dudes to go to heal too. and id ideally not have to go to one of the mra type spaces.#idk but im just disenchanted with this whole movement. so many unfulfilled promises.#too many terfs infiltrating it also.#im left out in the cold and no one cares and everyone pretends to care about victims but cant even bring themselves to image that i#was the one who was victimized. why should i rely on these spaces at all. its clear yall favor the more fem person in any situation#like this.#also unrelated but related this website is trash and most people on here suck so fucking much.#the mostly cliquey cutthroat spaces for being so 'caring' like you like to think yourselves as.#'oh well we have to be careful so just in case we're gonna kick you out!!' oh really#is that the feminism you were talking about?#youll leave me out on the streets based on a rumor? and if you find out theyre lying then what will you do? are you gonna come over to me#weeping about how you shouldnt have believed them and how sorry you are? bc chances are ill already be dead from starving#but yknow. believe whatever anyone says about someone else. sorry i meant victims*#itd be so so funny to me if someone came up to me with that justification for why they ostracized me and then be like 'how can you be mad!#i didnt know better!! you cant be mad at people for not knowing better >:(' the hell i fucking cant lmao!#yall perpetuated a narrative about me to actively grind my name in the dirt. and im not allowed to be mad?#yall ostracized and excluded me from spaces i need to rely on for community and healing.#yall did nothing for me and threw me in the fucking trash. yeah. i think im allowed to be upset with you and want you to go fuck yourself.#if you believed them and found out theyre a liar. cool. leave me the fuck alone though. go make a post about it and try to rectify the#situation you contributed to you pos.#yknow. maybe itd be one thing if you believed them and i didnt do anything and you apologized.#its a WHOLE OTHER FUCKING THING. WHEN YOU BELIEVE THEM. IM INNOCENT. AND *IM*THE ONE WHO WAS#SEXUALLY ABUSED AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED TO THE FUCKING MOON AND BACK. and then think an apology is enough.#like go fuck yourself. ive been alone with this trauma this whole time you pieces of shits.
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today a friend looked over and told me “every time I see you I’m struck by your beauty” and like well, thanks, now I’m in love with you (but she has a girlfriend)
#rev speaks#listen two guys like will not leave me alone rn#one I have explicitly told no already once but said okay friends#and I guess he thinks it's been enough time ive changed my mind????#the other is like maybe but keeps trying to do like last minute shit and bruh i do not know you well enough for that#i need like four days advanced notice if we're not close#AND THEN SHE JUST#ugh women and other non cis dudes tho#sorry I dont get many compliments#the guys Im like 90% sure it's just that ive lost weight and am nerdy#but she said it and I felt something other than kinda gross about being perceived
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is it really really stupid to give her the gift. i know she’s not worth it and im making myself feel like shit over and over and i need to stop and it doesnt matter how sad or angry i am about it she’s not just gonna dump him and even if she did i wouldn’t like. want to be the second choice (not that i inherently would be. weirdo dream scenario) and it’s just not gonna affect her much to not see me anymore and i have to be okay with that. and im truthfully not rn but i have to be cause that’s the reality. anyway lost my point there
#like. i just cant imagine class being over monday and just being like. ok bye forever ig. or not rlly saying anything#idk guys im sorry i know ive gone on and on and on nonstop for months#it just sucks#even if i think back to monday like. it's classic baby steps of leading me on and i fortunately for once didnt nip at the bit right away#but just the little ways she looked at me and smiled or joked around. kinda flirty. just for her to yk#post the bereal today and hes in it and its like 'wait let me get a shirt on' so just blatantly fucking yk. didnt even have to do my sleuth#work. and like. i know maybe ive overreacted to a lot of it and over thought it and she really didn't intentionally do a lot of it#and wasn't ever confused or anything and i just told myself that to justify being sooooo bonkers over it. idk#so it's like. with all that in mind. no i should not give it to her i should just walk out of class and not talk to her again#but the wounded part of me the 17 yr old in me is desperately asking why it's so easy for someone to get over me#but she was never into me! or at least not enough yk. she has a boyfriend. and that yk. shouldve been enough#but i got so lost in all these little signs and feelings of tension and#i guess. lol look at me abt to say this. doesnt help to dwell (lol!) but who knows if it was mutual some of those times when it just Felt#tense. yk. or if she just has problems and really liked the ego boost#cause boy did i make it fucking easy to enjoy my attention! and i never ever ever shouldve done all that bc she wasnt mutually engaging#at least not till like. october. and only briefly. and i just. ugh#anyway :( whatever. i know the answer is no. i know it's no i know i shouldnt#but as i was saying. the wounded part of me wishes i could make her feel even a fraction of the hurt or even just fucking regret#but not pity. but regret for being an asshole. if i could just say something as my final word or something and still be dignified#but i just dk how that would happen. so. yeah#hopefully this is one of my runner up last posts about her#film girl saga
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some name ideas bc I literally want to talk to ppl abt them but i cant really talk to anyone ?? Idk so public post on tumblr dot com ig.....
- Rayne
- forest/Forrest (spelling????)
- Phoenix
- Nichols (as a tribute to nichelle Nichols probably used as a middle name) or Nicholas (even though I dont really want a """boy""" name...... Idk)
- rea (pronounced as "Ray")
- Chris (still bc a lot of ppl call me that and it would make my life easier but idk..)
- Nick/Nicky (a nickname of a couple of the above)
- idk.. I literally dont know what to call myself I dont feel like I have an identity
- icarus (probably wouldnt actually do this irl cause I feel like ppl would idk be like super weirded out by it????)
- ive also thought abt the name "carus" but it's not a real name i made it up.....
- something celestial?? I dont really know I just like trees and stars and rocks and idk what i am
#i think the most genuine i have felt abt indentifying#is when i saw my gender as a puddle reflecting stars...#and since then i feel like i have constantly tried to fit into a more clear box. like . idk... i just feel lost and like im really no one#so.. ive just been struggling tbh.#idk what even i like or really suits me#and it feels like when i have an idea even someone thinks its really stupid or absurd and im so insecure#i just feel like i could never do it#its like i just keep trying to wish and pretend i can be normal and blend in but it just makes me feel empty...#sorry for this but if u have like thoughts abt me and what you think im like????? idk what would suit me ?????#vent /#kinda sorta#idk#note to myself#i know this probably isnt gonna help in the long run but its just smth that has been really bothering me#bc it really feels like i dony have an identity and i dont even have enough trust/confidence in myself to give me one
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