Misadventures in Matchmaking (AO3)
When Alec and Magnus both express their loneliness to him within the same day, Ragnor decides he'll do a bit of matchmaking.
It's too bad Ragnor doesn't know the first thing about romance.
Bingo Square: Ragnor Ships It
“Why so morose, Shadowhunter? I know the Academy is a depressing place to be at the best of times, but this is a little much.”
Ragnor stood in the doorway, arms crossed, and watched as Alec Lightwood uncrumpled himself from his desk and sat up straight. His face still looked a little smushed from where he’d been burying it in his arms, his hair unkempt from running his hands through it.
“You don’t have to call me ‘shadowhunter,’” he grumbled, “we’ve known each other for ten years.”
“And what an unenlightening ten years they’ve been,” Ragnor said, and was rewarded by Alec’s lips tipping up into a smile. “Why are you moping?”
The Academy itself, for all that it was a particular version of hell, didn’t usually get Alec down. Ragnor supposed it was because he was a shadowhunter, and was meant to be there. Ragnor wasn’t meant to be in the Academy, but stayed anyway in the hopes of swaying a least a few of the fledglings away from the path of ‘righteousness.’ And Alec was alright too, as far as shadowhunters went. Ragnor liked to think he had some hand in that. And he was good with the littlest kids, which Ragnor, who had very little patience for bodily fluids, wasn’t so much.
So Ragnor felt some responsibility to make sure his student turned pseudo-foster child turned assistant instructor turned child wrangler turned—somehow—Academy Headmaster wasn’t about to off himself.
Alec sighed, leaning back in his chair and running his hands through his disastrous hair. “Mom’s trying to make me get married again.”
Ragnor had a lot of opinions about Mom, and hardly any of them were good. Normally he’d share some of them, but he didn’t think Alec was in the mood. He sat down in the chair across from Alec’s desk. “Any good prospects?”
Alec snorted. “No. They’re all her idea of a good match, after all. You think I’d pick the type of person she would?”
“I suppose not.” Ragnor could picture the type of person Alec would pick. Someone diligent and conscientious and caring. Someone reserved, with simple tastes. Someone driven to forge their own path. “Who would you pick, then?”
Alec just looked at him, and Ragnor got the sense that he was trying to tell him something, but whatever it was flew right over his head. He’d never been good at this sort of thing, romance or whatever. That was probably why.
“So did you have someone in—”
His phone rang before he could finish his sentence.
Frequently Ragnor wanted to curse these infernal modern devices. He especially wanted to today, as his phone was blaring some obscene song that he didn’t care to identify, which could only mean one person was calling.
“Magnus, I’m at work, you can’t keep changing my ringtone to—”
“Oh, but it’s so funny,” Magnus complained. Ragnor didn’t think so at all, and it really didn’t help that Alec was stifling a laugh. “You know how little humor there is to go around these days.”
“No, I don’t. Anyway, why are you calling at—” he checked his watch— “5:23 am New York time? Are you alright?”
Magnus huffed out a breath, and Ragnor could just picture him flopping backwards onto his couch. “Bored.” There was a pause, then Magnus sighed, long and slow. “Lonely.”
“Oh, Magnus.”
“It’s fine.”
“I have a class to teach in a few minutes, but how about we get brunch later?”
He could practically feel Magnus perk up, even across thousands of miles. “At the place with the good mimosas?”
Ragnor didn’t drink anything other than scotch, so he couldn’t speak to whether any particular place’s mimosas were good or not, but he trusted Magnus’s judgment on that matter. “Wherever you want.”
“You are a god amongst men.”
Ragnor sighed, rubbing at his eyes. But at least Magnus seemed happier.
Alec was watching the conversation with a look of amusement, even though he could only hear half of it. “Is that your son?”
“More like a deranged nephew.”
A yell of ‘hey!!’ echoed over the line, and Alec chuckled. “Hello, deranged nephew,” he called into the phone.
Ragnor put it on speaker so Magnus could reply. “Hello, mysterious and alluring stranger. Perhaps we’ll meet again someday.”
Ragnor rolled his eyes, but Alec just looked charmed. “Goodbye, Magnus,” Ragnor said. “I’ll see you at brunch.”
When he’d hung up, he turned back to Alec, whose mood seemed somewhat lifted.
“So tell me,” he started, and watched as Alec had to shake himself before turning his attention back on him, “is it your mother’s choice of prospects that bothers you so much, or is it the marriage itself?”
Again Alec gave him that same sort of don’t you know? look, and again it went over Ragnor’s head. Finally, he said, “The former. I don’t like the idea of it being arranged, but I think I’d…” his voice went sort of soft, a distant look in his eyes, “I’d like to get married. Maybe not immediately, but someday.”
Ragnor’s heart panged for him, but he couldn’t help but feel that this was good, because this was a problem he could solve. He could find someone for Alec to marry. He could certainly do a better job of it than Maryse.
He stood up, patting Alec’s arm. “Fear not, young shadowhunter. If it’s marriage you want, it’s marriage you shall have. I’ll find someone for you.”
Alec looked mildly alarmed. “You don’t have to—”
“Hey, listen. I travel a lot. I meet way more people than you do. The only people your age you meet are already-married parents bringing their kids to the Academy. I can find someone you’ll like, I promise.”
That just made Alec look more wary. “If you say so.”
“I say so.” He squeezed Alec’s hand. “You’ll have little Lightwoods running around before you know it.”
Again Alec got that conflicted look on his face, but he didn’t say anything about it, just nodded hesitantly.
And with that—admittedly tentative—approval, Ragnor strode out of his office.
He had matchmaking to do.
*
“Why’s life so full of trials and tribulations and trials and…” Magnus trailed off, sulking into his third—or fourth? Ragnor had lost track—mimosa.
“It’s life, dear.” How many depressed youths was Ragnor going to have to counsel today? Though ‘young’ was rather a relative term, in Magnus’s case.
“Then I want to be unalive,” Magnus mumbled, picking at his blueberry pancakes.
“All things come with time.”
Magnus squinted up at him, fork frozen halfway to his mouth. He was wearing bright pink lipstick, but it was starting to get smeared from all the drinking. Or perhaps he was just still wearing it from last night. “You aren’t going to tell me not to say that?”
Ragnor shrugged. “That’s never worked with you before. Now I’m taking a ‘live and let live’ approach instead.”
“Nihilism?”
“Something like that.”
Magnus turned back to his pancakes. “If nothing matters then why are people so shitty, Ragnor?”
“Did someone hurt you?” If someone had, Ragnor would hunt them down. Maybe he could rope in Alec to help so he wouldn’t even get in trouble for it. Having one’s former student be a high-ranking member of the Clave did have its perks.
Magnus nodded, then shrugged. “Hurt, no. Disappointed, yes.”
“People tend to do that, I’m afraid.”
Magnus sighed, pushing his plate away and leaning back in his chair. “Why do people only want sex?”
“I’ve been asking myself this question for 786 years, and I don’t have an answer,” Ragnor said. “Wait, don’t you like sex?”
“Not only sex.” He seemed so sad. Ragnor reached across the table to pat his hand.
“I thought you weren’t dating?”
Magnus pouted. “I was lonely. I thought I would… try, finally. All for naught, of course.” He dropped his head into his hands in a gesture that reminded Ragnor of Alec earlier that morning.
A memory which sparked another idea in him. If he was already going to find someone for Alec, why couldn’t he do the same for Magnus?
“If you really want to date again, I can set you up with someone.”
Magnus’s head snapped up. He stared at Ragnor, apparently trying to see if he was serious, then a burst of hysterical laughter escaped his mouth. “I can’t tell if you mean that.”
“Why wouldn’t I mean it?”
“You, Ragnor ‘these Hallmark movies are tedious’ Fell, want to play matchmaker? What makes you think you can even find someone ‘suitable’?”
“I have many talents, Bane.”
“Sure you do.” Magnus leaned back in his chair, an evaluative look in his eye. “You know what? I agree to your proposal. Set me up with someone. If only because I’m desperately curious to see where this goes.”
Magnus looked just a little bit too smug, and all of a sudden, Ragnor realized he was going to have his work cut out for him. If finding a person worthy of Alec was going to be hard, then finding a person worthy of Magnus was going to be even harder.
But Ragnor would do it, because when Alec had called Magnus his son he wasn’t far off. He loved Magnus more than he’d ever loved anyone, and if he had to wade through the putrid waters of the dating pool to see him happy, he would do it.
If he could figure out where to start.
*
Several weeks and eons of effort later, Ragnor had two suitable candidates lined up. He’d found someone driven and dependable for Alec, and someone outgoing and romantic for Magnus. He’d set up two dinner dates on the same night at the same restaurant so he could keep an eye out in case anything went wrong.
But nothing was going to go wrong, because he’d set everything up perfectly.
Which was why he was confused when he saw Alec walking across the restaurant towards him, a crease in his brow.
“What’s wrong?” Ragnor asked when Alec reached him. “Is something the matter? I picked your date very carefully, there shouldn’t be any—”
“No, no.” Alec cut across him with a wave of his hand. “She seems… great. I just—” he seemed at a loss, a sheepish expression crossing his face. “Ragnor, I’m gay. I thought… you knew that.”
Oh.
Oh, dear. Now Ragnor knew what all of those looks he’d been missing were supposed to mean.
“Oh, dear,” he said aloud. “I’m sorry, dear boy. I didn’t realize.”
“Hey, it’s okay. I appreciate the effort. And I mean, you did way better than my mom. She really does seem great, just… not exactly my type, you know.”
Ragnor stared off into space, despondent at his failure. “Yes, I understand.”
Alec patted his shoulder. “I think I’m gonna grab a drink at the bar.”
Halfway there, he stopped and turned around to look at Ragnor again, a furrow in his brow.
“By the way, even if you thought I was straight, why’d you set me up with a lesbian?”
Ragnor spit out his drink. “A what?”
“Did you even tell her the gender of the person she was meeting?”
“No?? Clearly not? Was I supposed to?”
Alec just chuckled and continued on for the bar.
Ragnor planted his face in his hands. This was becoming a disaster.
Well, at least he still had Magnus’s date going for him. Perhaps that would salvage the—
He looked up at Magnus’s table just in time to see Magnus’s date toss her wine in his face and storm off.
Ragnor groaned, sinking down in his chair in an effort to disappear. Never meddle in others’ affairs, that was what he’d always lived by. This was what he got for not obeying the mantra this time.
He drowned his sorrows in more scotch, hoping he could just forget this entire evening in a drunken haze, hoping Magnus wouldn’t hate him by tomorrow.
He’d downed so much scotch that he almost thought he was having a drunken hallucination when he looked up to see Alec crouched in front of Magnus’s chair, dabbing the wine from his face with a napkin.
“Are you okay?” he seemed to be asking. Ragnor could just make out the tenor of his voice from where he was sitting.
Magnus smiled down at him. “Ah, Mister Mysterious and Alluring Stranger, I was wondering when we’d run into each other again.”
Alec raised an eyebrow. “‘Deranged Nephew,’ is it?”
“I resent that designation.”
Ragnor gaped at them. He gaped at the way Magnus’s entire bearing had already softened in a way it never did around strangers. At the way Alec, who never let strangers near him, had so effortlessly slipped into his space.
But this made no sense. They were the complete opposite of what he’d picked for each of them! Obviously Ragnor thought they were each separately wonderful and deserved the world, but for them to be interested in each other? For Alec, who Ragnor had only ever seen wearing neutral colors and simple clothes, to be into Magnus’s purple lipstick and leopard-print trousers? For Magnus, who was the life of any party, to be into someone so reserved and serious? It was ludicrous! They were—
Ah. Perhaps that had been his folly from the start. He’d been looking for matches who were the same as his targets, when he should have been looking for ones who were different enough to play to their strengths and complement their weaknesses. Of course. He was such an idiot.
While he’d been pondering his ineptitude, Alec and Magnus had made their way over to the bar and were now leaning against it, talking animatedly. They both glanced in Ragnor’s direction and then dissolved into giggles. Alec turned back to Magnus, and Ragnor didn’t think he’d ever seen such a sickeningly soft and lovestruck expression on Alec’s face before. Then he watched, transfixed with a strange mixture of relief and horror, as Magnus, beaming like a maniac, reached out to thumb at Alec’s lower lip, only for Alec to grab his wrist and pull him into a kiss.
Oh, this was horrible. Ragnor had to get out of here. He was happy for them but he had to get out of here before he witnessed any more.
As he fled the restaurant, his phone pinged with a text.
Magnus: thanks for the matchmaking, Ragnor 😘
*
After witnessing all of that, perhaps Ragnor shouldn’t have been so shocked when, a mere few months later, Alec cornered him in the Academy with a question.
“Hey, Ragnor, do I have to ask for your blessing or something to propose to Magnus?”
Ragnor crossed his arms. “It’s not 1861, Alec, Magnus doesn’t need my or anyone else’s blessing to get married. And I’m not even his father, more like a stubborn old barnacle who clung to him once and never left, or so he says.” Then what Alec had said finally caught up to him. “Wait, you’re proposing to Magnus?”
“Yeah,” Alec breathed. He seemed nervous. “Do you think he’ll say yes?”
Instead of answering, Ragnor pulled him into a hug.
“Of course he’ll say yes, you git.” If his voice wavered slightly, he wasn’t going to mention it. “You two are insufferable.”
Alec choked out a laugh over his shoulder. He was practically beaming in Ragnor’s arms. “You only have yourself to thank for that.”
And didn’t Ragnor know it.
All the same, he was never going to attempt matchmaking again. Aside from the fact that his first attempt had almost been an unmitigated disaster, well. He just could never top this.
Take care of him, he wanted to whisper into Alec’s shoulder, but didn’t, because he already knew that he would. Take care of him, he gets lonely sometimes. And let him take care of you, because I know you do, too.
Instead, he said, “Break his heart and I’ll banish you to Antarctica to live out the rest of your life with the penguins,” and listened to Alec’s wobbly, tear-stained laugh.
“I don’t think that’ll be a problem.”
79 notes
·
View notes